#so it's weird going in there. like aw childhood memories :) but also ow ow ow ow why are avocados $2.50 each why is cream a dollar more here

[six-of-ravens]

need to remember that my preferred grocery store opens late on long weekend Sundays for some godforsaken reason. had to go to the more expensive store across the street (bc I was not driving 20 mins, thank you), and I didn't break my budget bc I didn't need a whole lot today, but was very much haunted by the unpleasant feeling of getting screwed over the whole time I was there.

[gladerwolfstarkimagines]

Imagine your best friends Mai and Zuko setting you up with Sokka on a blind date

You had been the third wheel to Mai and Zuko for years. So much so you actually weren’t sure which one of them you were friends with first. Some of your earlier childhood memories were spent being confused why Mai and Zuko were so weird around one another. Then when you realised you spent your childhood trying to force them together so they’d admit their feelings. They were both so annoyingly unforthcoming with their emotions you were probably just as happy as the couple when they finally confessed to one another. You were so thrilled your teen years were spent covering for them when they wanted to meet unsupervised or outside of the palace. Zuko would just happen to go on a walk by your house when Mai was sleeping over or Mai would tag along with you to the Ember Islands at the same time Zuko and Azula were there. You did such a good job that everyone actually thought you were dating Zuko or Mai, they were all quite shocked when you revealed you had no part of it. When Azula eventually outed the pair they still invited you to things because apparently your presence while they stared at one another and more was required. You’d been getting kind of sick of third-wheeling with your two best friends lately and they thought they’d found the perfect solution.

Sokka.

"Why are we so dressed up just to go to our favourite restaurant and where is Zuko?" you asked as you and Mai headed into the restaurant district of the capital. The three of you had this planned for weeks but they’d be mysteriously quiet about the details and Mai had practically refused to leave before you dressed up a bit. So you were more than a little curious to know what was going on but Mai never let something slip if she didn’t want to. Mai just shrugged "because it's nice to dress up sometimes and Zuko's just got something to do beforehand so he's meeting us there". You nodded and fell into silence which did nothing to ease Mai’s nerves. Mai and Zuko were fairly sure you’d incinerate them on the spot when their plan was revealed.

You reached the restaurant and were shown to a table. You and Mai were chatting aimlessly when you noticed something. "The table has 4 places mats not 3". Mai feigned surprise "ow yeah it does". "And the waitress said we'll wait for your companions to arrive not companion. Plural not singular. As if were expecting 2 more people not 1". Mai looked at the floor "yeah...". "Mai!" you said in warning "what's going on?" but you were cut off by Zuko’s arrival. "Hi guys sorry we’re late. Y/n you remember Sokka?". You look past him to see the water tribe boy Zuko was fond of. He waved at you awkwardly "hi y/n, hi Mai. You both look lovely". Mai smiled "thanks Sokka take a seat" and Zuko moved to sit next to her leaving the space next to you free for him. This was a double date and you were furious.

Judging by Sokka’s awkward reaction he also hadn’t been prepared for this. You stared at Zuko and Mai, wreathing in anger as they both pointedly avoided your gaze hiding behind their menus. “Wow this all looks so good” Sokka said tentatively into the awkward silence. Zuko nodded “yeah it does, what you thinking of having?”. The two descended into chatter and you caught Mai’s eye “so when I asked if there was anything new you chose to leave this out?”. “Y/n” Mai hissed “please just try it” she said lowering her voice. You rolled your eyes “you are not getting away with this” and went back to your menu.

After your orders had been taken there was nothing left to hide behind and Sokka tried cautiously engaging with you. “So y/n Zuko tells me you’ve known him and Mai since you were all very young?”. You nodded “ahh so he can tell the truth sometimes?”. Zuko blushed and Sokka chuckled “I’m dying to know what kid Zuko was like? Was he anything like the god awful ponytail version?”. You paused caught off guard “you meant the pouty angst machine? That’s always been his main personality”. “I knew it!” Sokka cried “Zuko tried telling me he was wise and calm before his banishment”. You snorted “is your name Iroh? No Zuko has always been hotheaded and mardy” you smirked “some things never change”. Sokka nodded “tell me about it, I beat him fair and square in sword fighting the other day and he invented a rule to deny me the match”. “That is not what happened at all” Zuko complained and you and Mai smirked. “Ow yeah? What was the rule?” Mai asked. Zuko paused and Sokka turned to you both “apparently I didn’t wait three seconds after my last point of contact”. You and Mai burst out laughing and Sokka grinned “it’s crazy right? No rule like that really exists?”. Mai smiled “it does but at the academy when everyone is still learning and can easily maim one another. The rule is usually dropped when kids get to around 13...is there something you’re not telling me Zuko?” she asked and the three of you all continued laughing. Zuko blushed folding his arms “I didn’t know Sokka’s level, I was being responsible”. “He trained with Piando and you know it!” you cried before you paused looking at Sokka “that was you right?”. Sokka nodded proudly “yup!”. “Sorry Zuko talks about you guys a lot so sometimes it’s hard to remember who is who...are you the one who also got the same fish hook stuck in his thumb twice?”. Now it was Zuko’s turn to burst out laughing. “You told her that!” Sokka cried kicking Zuko under the table. Zuko just laughed and Mai grinned. Sokka sighed turning back to you “yes that was also me but I wish Zuko thought to tell you something less embarrassing about me”. You smiled “don’t worry we can get him back later” you found your mood had been lightened and decided to embrace it. “So Sokka, what is it like growing up in the Southern Water Tribe? We hear many stories of course but you're the first water tribesman I’ve ever met so i’d like to hear it from you”. Sokka sat up a bit taller, seemingly pleased by that “well it’s unlike anywhere I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of places” Sokka started and he proceeded to launch into an in-depth answer to your question.

Despite your good mood you hadn’t forgotten what Mai and Zuko had done so when Mai went to the bathroom you went too. She jumped when she came out to find you waiting. “So is there something you want to tell me?”. Mai paused “i’m pretty sure you’re aware of Sokka by now...”. “Very funny” you replied “if this is your way of telling me you and Zuko are sick of me tagging along with you? You could have been brave enough to just say it! I always ask if you guys would rather be alone so I find this so insulting and embarrassing. Do i not deserve your respect and honesty?”. “Woah woah y/n calm down, it’s not that at all! Zuko and I love having you around”. “Sure seems like it” you shot back and Mai sighed “can you be quiet long enough to let me explain?”. You crossed your arms angrily but remained silent. Mai nodded “thank you. Like I said this has nothing to do with us being sick of you, it’s more the opposite. Y/n we know we’re not the most fun to hang out, especially when we’re so absorbed in one another and we felt bad. You’ve already done so much for us and so we thought we’d invite someone like-minded to join us so it was less boring”. You frowned “so instead of hiring entertainment you bring me a boy? Don’t pretend this isn’t anything other than a date Mai”. Mai sighed “no you’re right we did invite Sokka and hope the two of you would hit it off but we put a lot of thought into it y/n! You’re only a year older than him, you both love strategy and planning. He’s interested in mechanics and engineering just like you love architecture and mathematics. You’re both hot-headed and incredibly smart. You also share a love of sarcasm and think your embarrassing puns are hilarious. We didn’t just choose the first guy we saw. We put a lot of consideration into it y/n and the two of you are really compatible! Even if not as a couple you should be great friends”. You hated when Mai was reasonable, it also made it so much harder to be angry at her. You sighed “okay fine you put a lot more effort into this than I thought but I don’t appreciate not being told. I am not some desperate lonely girl who needs a man to complete her”. Mai nodded “of course not and Zuko and I don’t think that about you at all!  We didn’t tell you because we knew you would never agree if we were honest so we had to be sneaky but tell me this. Are you having a bad time so far?". You paused "well no but...". "But nothing! If you're enjoying yourself why are you mad? Stop being stubborn and embrace the event". You sighed "i hate when you turn out to be right". Mai smiled linking your arm with hers "i know, now come on, you have a water tribe boy to quiz about battle strategy”.

Sokka seemed to guess why you’d followed Mai and while Zuko and Mai began discussing how ugly the colour scheme of the restaurant was he leant towards you. “So” he asked in a quiet voice “did they blindside you to this too?”. You nodded “yup, you?”. Sokka nodded “yep. Zuko told me he was showing me his favourite restaurant in the city. Then when we got outside he told me you and Mai were also here and that it was a double date. I tried to storm off but he convinced me to come inside and atleast meet you”. You couldn’t resist messing with people and so you kept your face passive and gave Sokka a hard stare. “Was there any particular reason why you were so opposed to being set up with me?”. Sokka jumped, as if just realising he’d told an expert firebender he didn’t want to date her. “No! I mean you’re very beautiful of course and from what Zuko’s told me about you I think you’re amazing I mean you were the only person who could match Azula in fire bending! That’s insanely impressive” Sokka cried and you nodded “keep going”. Sokka nodded “of course any guy or girl would be lucky to date you but I just hated being blindsided like this. I’m not some sad desperate guy who needs a blind date to get a girl. Please don’t be offended, the issue was definitely not you more the premise itself”. You allowed your smile to appear and chuckled “I know i’m messing with you. I totally agree them springing a date on us was bad”. “So bad!” Sokka cried and you nodded “so we’ll definitely have to get them back for it”. Sokka smiled “I like that devious look in your eye...what do you have in mind?”. 

The next morning

You lived in the palace and shared a wing with Mai and Zuko so your plan was very easy to enact. You made sure they were both in the dining room having breakfast before you turned to Sokka “you ready?”. He paused surveying himself in the mirror. He was wearing the same clothes as yesterday just very crumpled (you’d stamped on them to get that professional effect) and has his hair messily down. You wore a night robe and had your hair messily up in a bun. You were going to trick Mai and Zuko into thinking you spent the night together when really Sokka climbed up through your window half an hour ago. Sokka tousled his hair once more and nodded “ready!”. You paused for a second at how nice his hair looked before you pulled yourself together and nodded “let’s do this”. 

You grabbed Sokka’s hand and began chattering loudly between the two of you. You made sure you were in plain view of the couple but made no move towards them. You had to pretend like there was nobody else in the world except Sokka and that wasn't too hard at the moment. Sokka adopted the role of flirty smitten one night stand well. He whispered in your ear and trailed his hand around your waist. You weren’t one to back down so you stepped up your game giving lots of eye contact and twirling a piece of Sokka’s hair in your fingertips. Eventually it was too much for Zuko and Mai. “Ah-hem!” someone *coughed* and you turned as if startled. “Ow....hey” Sokka said blushing and you looked down “morning”. “Good morning” Zuko replied “would you like to join us for breakfast?”. Sokka shook his head “can’t i’m afraid i’ve got plans with Toph but i’ll see you later” he said suggestively, directing the question at you. You nodded and kissed him lightly. It wasn’t planned but it seemed to fit. Sokka was surprised, you could tell by how tense he felt against you but he soon recovered and wrapped his arms around you kissing you back. You eventually separated and Sokka said goodbye shooting his eyes up and down you before he left. You smiled after him before walking lightly over to the table and taking a seat across from a very shocked couple. “What the actual fuck?” Mai asked “you and Sokka...on the first night?”. You smiled “don’t be such a prude Mai it’s just sex”. Zuko spluttered and you struggled not to laugh. “So are you like...dating now?” Mai asked. “Nope” you replied and Zuko frowned “no? y/n you just had your tongue down his throat”. You rolled your eyes “so that means I have to marry him? We’re just having fun. Hooking up casually and stuff, i believe the term is friends with benefit?”. Zuko looked faint at the idea and Mai’s eyes were wider than you’d ever seen them. They looked at one another before glancing back at you. Zuko spoke first “well...if you and Sokka are...if that works for you then we’re happy for you. Right Mai?”. Mai nodded “yeah I mean this is certainly a new form of company we didn’t expect but you seem to be enjoying it so good for you”. You stared at their awkward looks of encouragement and burst. “Sokka and I didn’t sleep together you idiots! It was all a prank!”. Zuko sighed “ow thank god! Katara would have murdered me for sure”. Mai stared at you “wait a prank, why?”. “To get you back for blindsiding up both. We arranged it all last night”. You explained the finer details and Mai and Zuko shook their heads at how gleeful you were for getting them. “And now i’ve got what I came for I will be leaving” you smiled with a bow. “Hold on a second” Mai called “so I get you faked all the flirting and stuff but you kissed him. Planned or not that happened”. You paused unsure what to say and Zuko smiled. “Yeah and a kiss is pretty extreme for a prank, especially for you who hates physical contact unless it’s with someone she cares about or...fancies”. Their smiles were back and you sighed “I kissed Sokka for the prank, no other reason okay?”. “Sure keep telling yourself that” Mai smiled and Zuko nodded. “Ow and you’re welcome for yesterday, we could tell you had a good time no matter how much you tried not to” .”I...just because I didn’t hate it proves nothing”. “Sureee” Mai replied sarcastically and Zuko laughed throwing an arm around her. “Eugh I’m leaving” you groaned and they kept laughing. “Y/n’s first love” Mai called and Zuko chuckled “they grow up so fast don’t they?”. "I'm two months older than you!" you called and slammed your door closed blocking out their laughter.

The force of you slamming your door caused your room to shake and the person standing on your window ledge to fall forwards with a thump. “I’m okay!” Sokka cried and your eyes widened “Sokka? I’m so sorry I had no idea you were...here let me help you up”. You helped Sokka to stand and checked nothing was broken. “So what are you doing here?” you asked half pleased and half nervous. “To hear how it went of course!” Sokka cried “did they fall for it?”. “Hook line and sinker” you laughed “you should’ve seen their faces” and you explained their reactions in detail. Sokka laughed before he looked at you “well i’m not surprised we were brilliant actors...I mean for a second there I thought that kiss was real”. You froze but managed to keep your face calm. “You could have convinced me you actually wanted to kiss me” Sokka joked and you shrugged “well I am an excellent actress”. “Clearly” Sokka nodded “but just in case you did want to do it again how about we go out tonight?”. “You’re asking me out?” you asked “I thought you were mad at being set up”. Sokka nodded “I was and still am that’s why I’m asking you out myself. Zuko and Mai get zero credit”. You nodded “that sounds good....if I said yes where would we go?”. “I was thinking the theatre. I know we’re both so talented we could be up there but I figured we’d leave it to the professionals this once?”. You nodded “that makes sense, we’ve got to take a break sometimes right?” you joked. Sokka smiled “exactly...so what time should I pick you up?”. “I haven’t said yes yet” you retorted and Sokka laughed before coming closer. “You said yes the moment you kissed me. I could tell you liked me by how passionate it was and not to even mention the way you checked me out all morning. I thought your eyes were going to fall out the way you oggled me when you were stamping on my shirt and I was topless”. You laughed taken back “I’ll admit you’re visually pleasing and your personality isn’t awful”. “Best compliment I’ve ever got” Sokka joked “so fire girl what time?”. “I’m not sure if i’ll be able to fit you in but how about we say 7?” you asked nonchalantly. Sokka grinned “7 it is, see you later y/n” and he hopped out your window. You stared at the spot Sokka had just disappeared from and the realisation you had a date sunk in. You thought about Sokka and this morning and a smile soon appeared on your face which made you want to both curse and thank Mai and Zuko. They might be annoying but they really had done their research. 

[theveryworstthing]

So over on patreon Trevor asked for my take on the Addams Family and I grew up LOVING the Addams family movies so here we are. Instead of doing a straight up style interpretation, I decided to do a full on design challenge, using the characters as bases to make a black southern gothic Addams au. I actually drew the kids first, using the character bases of Wednesday and Pugsley to create some delightful kiddos I'm calling Sunday and Blanche. I of course then redesigned Gomez and Morticia into Carlisle and Mortesha.

The Addams have a very specific high aristocratic goth aesthetic (they've got a butler and nobody really works among other things) so in this re-imagining I wanted to go with vibes that run a little more middle class/upper middle class.  I thought it would be interesting to think about what would be considered weird and off-putting in an entirely different culture, and how being a big ol' goth is way less controversial than it used to be.

I tried to keep this short (HAHAHAHAHAHA) so I didn't spin off into an essay about villain coded families, black people in the horror genre, and normalcy as it pertains to social survival, but just...bits of that are in these designs and lore. Keep that in mind.

Also I made the kids twins because they've flip flopped in age so much in different media and also twins run in my family (i'm the daughter of one). And let's face it, I'm pulling a lot of their southern gothic traits from living as a southern goth so *shrug*.

10 thousand pounds of lore incoming loooooooooool.

The Parents

From the moment he saw her he knew that there was a 50/50 chance of him either never making it out of that swamp alive or marrying the figure that was creeping out from under the distant willow tree in a black cocktail dress. The third time she found him trussed up in one of her traps, he complimented her rope work and asked if she'd like to go out sometime after his head wound stopped bleeding.

Or while it was still bleeding.

If she was into that.

Some kids and a mysteriously burnt down Piggly Wiggly later, their love is still as strong and inescapable as a bear trap in a sink hole.

Carlisle Guillermo (now Addams through marriage but I wanted to give him two first names for a name since Gomez has two last names) makes a vaguely described living practicing ‘law’ around town. A loophole king, people come to him from miles around with contracts signed in blood, fights over chunks of hair buried in their rivals’ yard, dehydrated primate hands, memories that seemed like dreams until the evidence of their happenings became too real, and other regular Legal Items asking for counsel which he is all too happy to give. For a price. Sometimes that price is a homemade pie and sometimes it’s a million dollars, depends on who you are. Whatever you’re asked to pay it’s worth that price, and if you try to scam him out of work or he just plain doesn’t like you? Well. He knows how to twist a contract better than anything at the crossroads.

And he always gets his due.

He doesn’t just serve the local (living)humans though, there are many things that need proper legal representation in this day and age. You wouldn’t believe how many city councils try to build on sacred burial grounds even after he lets them know that his ghostly clients are totally gonna haunt the FUCK out of the ensuing shitty condos and curse their families for all eternity. At least 50% of his energy goes towards dealing with real estate bullshit.

Carl is an excitable and good natured(?) man who loves his family, cigars, dancing, and his many knife-based hobbies. People find him very charming once they get past the feeling that they’re talking to a sultry gator badly disguising itself as a human. I didn’t put a ton of deep thought into designing him, mostly I wanted to make a middle aged dude who looked like he would have been voted ‘most likely to smooch the literal devil’ in high school. Tbh he probably has, but no demonic ex’s can compare to his lovely wife~

Mortesha Addams(her name was already perfect so I just tweaked it)is a woman of many talents. A self proclaimed homemaker, she prides herself on a greenhouse full of Concerning Foliage, a beautiful wasp apiary, and a coop full of what are probably chickens that she keeps for what are probably eggs. She’s also an avid creator of the outsider art that can be seen around the estate. She has taken on the family business of selling her homemade goods in a little stall by the road just outside the swamp with her mom, and makes pretty good money doing so. A surprising amount of poison gets bought in quaint southern towns.

Speaking of poison, people who come out to the edge of the swamp to buy it are usually carrying a lot of secrets around, and Mortesha knows most of them. It’s not like she pries the truth out of people, it just so happens that many nervous hellos eventually turn into the tragic backstory power hour if she’s alone with a client for long enough. She supposes that’s just how people are. Despite the fact that the Addams are very active in the community (whether the community likes it or not) she especially, as a direct descendant of the first Addams matriarch, is seen as…Well not an outsider because the community feels A Certain Way about outsiders and despite it all the Addams are their people, but maybe something like an exception. They feel like whatever weirdness they’re hiding can’t be weirder than any given Addams, so they get a little loose with their words.

This is amusing to her, since Addams’ don’t naturally keep the kind dramatic secrets that their surface level prim and proper neighbors do. It’s much more fun to openly talk about those things.

Do they have a sadly decrepit yet terrifying grandma up in the attic? Yeah, like three. They got a tv, all the creepy porcelain dolls they could want, and they’re close to family. Where do you keep your gram-grams?

Any bodies buried on the property? Yeah some, but most are thrown to the gators.

Any creeping through the balmy summer night with ill intentions? Yeah dude, everyone loves a nice family stroll.

What about dangerous forbidden love? If an adult Addams isn’t incorporeal then they’re either queer or in a torrid romance with some person/thing mysteriously drawn to that awful swamp. Sometimes both at the same time. Most times actually.

Mortesha would know.

The current head of the Addams family is just as outgoing as her husband but a lot quieter and harder to read. She never really seems to get mad about much and always has a genteel smile for everyone whether they deserve it or not. A seven foot tall human shaped “Oh, bless your heart”. A perfectly composed Lady even when she’s, oh I dunno, burning down a Piggly Wiggly. You know. A regular southern mom. Chat her up at the hair salon for 50% off a jar of wasp honey with your next purchase of a mysterious but foreboding packet of herbs.

Designing her was pretty easy because I just drew a lankier Grace Jones and called it a day. I had some problems with her outfit simply because if we were going HARD southern gothic then she’d probably be wearing a white/cream dress with a fuller skirt but I thought keeping the silhouette and the black was more important. She’s supposed to be an anti southern gothic southern gothic character anyway. A woman who looks like she has a million secrets who is actually the most open person you could meet. For better or worse. The red hair came from a coloring error that I really ended up liking (my mom had red hair her whole childhood that only darkened up in high school so I can buy that an Addams can be naturally fire engine red) and the veil was to get more of that classic Morticia silhouette in there.

The Children

Sunday and Blanche are the twin children of Carlisle and Mortesha Addams. Some say the Addams clan got their cursed homestead when a wealthy local businessman made a deal with the devil and lost, leaving his grand mansion to his least favorite maid and cutting his losses once he realized that the swamp would do everything it could to drag the house into the water and take what was owed with its horrible curse. Others say that the family has just always squatted there and no one really cares because man, fuck that particular swamp. Have you been in there? Absolute horror show.

Anyway.

Blanche is the more outgoing sibling and quite the engineer/mad scientist in the making. He started going grey at 2 weeks old but considering he was also rocking some extra fingers, toes, and a tiny tail (he takes after his dad), his parents just put it on the 'not life threatening' pile and decided not to worry about it. He's the kind of smart that teachers find utterly infuriating, less a dog eagerly learning and obeying commands and more a hyena who keeps teaching itself how to pick locks. He has a few friends in his school's robotics club (which they honestly allowed him to make so the school could contain his... creations) but mostly hangs out with his sister exploring the swamp. They find all sorts of neat things in there! wedding rings, suspiciously lumpy garbage bags, cloaked cultists who can't read private property signs, it's an adventure every day!

Blanche is all about experimentation with his creations, his look, and his tether to this mortal coil. Is lipstick a cool thing to try? Let's find out. Can he get out of a strait jacket fast enough after being pushed into the depths of the swamp by his sister? let's find out. He's not dead yet and confused local doctors can attest to the fact that he's rarely attained more than a bad bruise so he's pretty set on continuing to kiss rattlesnakes on their cute little heads and have his sister practice her knife throwing at him until that fact changes.

Blanche is very much a country goth. Cowboy boots (customized by his mom), knife, and lighter are daily accessories. He likes to wear the crusty swamp jewelry they find (the rust adds a splash of color!) and despite appearances he does try to keep himself neat. He's just got  natural Grunge Colors and a tendency to wear clothes he likes until they fall apart. Pugsley always seemed the most modernly styled to me (which might just be because little boys clothes have been the same for a long time) so I wanted Blanche to be the most purposely fashionable Addams. Everyone else is goth by nature, but he's the only one truly familiar with goth as an alternative fashion.

I got really into designing Blanche because honestly, I find Pugsley to be the most boring member of the family. And he was hard to design! I had to mess with his vibe a lot to get him looking how I wanted. I know he's supposed to evoke an " 'evil' little boy next door who's parents never reign him in", but that's just goth Dennis The Menace.  I's 2020. We can at least go queer goth Calvin.

Sunday was much easier to design. Wednesday was my favorite as a child (of course) and I really wanted to keep the spirit of her look while adding things like billowy sleeves (it gets HOT down here), big poofy twists instead of braids, and a nice tie. She's a professional after all, been running the local pet cemetery since she was 6 and the previous groundskeeper met with an unfortunate accident after telling her that tarantulas don't have souls. Her specialty is creating beautiful naturalistic animal funerals similar to those that Maquenda (https://linktr.ee/artofmaquenda) makes, and she takes pride in creating miniature dioramas of her subjects after each burial which she uses as a kind of 3D catalog for future clients.

She really wants to try out her skills on humans one day. Well. Publicly try out her skills. Lotta random bodies float into the swamp. None of them have turned down her requests for diorama models so far. Most seem downright flattered. Plus, she usually figures out which graveyard/crime scene they floated over from and gets her parents to give them a lift back. She'll even help enact terrifying revenge from beyond the grave on whoever put them there if she's not, y'know, busy.

Besides arts, crafts, and pet based funerary arrangements, Sunday is an avid lover of archery (any ranged weapon really), books where little fantasy adventure animals die dramatic deaths, and history. She is That Kid who eagerly raises her hand when asked who Christopher Columbus was and ends up being sent out of class after 15 minutes for making 'a scene'. Her favorite party trick is just picking an item in the room and talking about how it relates to either some obscure historical figure with a buck wild life or a horrible disaster. At least one charity pancake breakfast ended with children in tears after her vivid description of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.

Social-wise, while Wednesday is the girl that people ask to smile because they think she'd, "look so pretty", Sunday is rarely asked anything at all. People just kind of assume from her quiet nature (in between horrible history facts) that she's angry all the time and that she hates everyone. This is untrue. She hates some people but she's ambivalent to most everyone else and even downright friendly if you bother to talk to her like a person instead of a terrifying cryptid. Like, she IS a terrifying cryptid but she's also a little girl.  

That’s about it for now. One day I might do the other family members but for now I’m happy with the four I’ve redesigned. Making an au! Lurch in a family that doesn’t do butlers could be interesting. Over on patreon I put forth that he could just be Motesha’s mute little brother (similar bone structure) but Amy Crook had the nice idea of quote: “ a mysterious "cousin" that "helps around the house" whose origins are both long in the past and faintly unsettling. He's good for lifting heavy things, like that tank of propane you're about to throw into the burning Piggly Wiggly... “ which i now consider canon. Who's kid is he? How old is he? Not important. Anyone willing to commit arson with you is family.

Annnnyway.  This challenge was a lot of fun! I love indulging in AU’s.

[yarichinbokutoclub]

Childhood Friends

Ukai Keishin One-Shot

Plot - Y/N (gender neutral) is going home, for the first time in 12 years, to start their new career in Miyagi. They never thought they would run into their old best friend, and they certainly didn’t think it would go like this.

word count - 1.3k

A/N - This is my first ever one-shot so pls be nice bc I will literally cry. I hope y'all like it tho bc I do hehe.

This was it. You were finally returning to Miyagi. It’s been years since you last stepped foot in your hometown, being forced to move all the way to Osaka at the age of 10. Your nerves were off the charts, but you were also extremely excited. You left so many memories behind when you departed, both good and bad. To be completely honest, you had no intentions of ever returning, there was nothing left for you here aside from lost connections and old memories, but that all changed when you got your dream job as a teacher at the reputable Shiratorizawa Academy. Not only was the school widely known for their powerhouse sports teams, but they were one of the best schools academically as well.

You had to take the train to get there seeing as you did not have a car, hiring a moving company for your few belongings to the small house you had purchased. Thankfully the area has a good public transportation system because after buying the house and moving all the way across the country you, quite frankly, did not have the money to get a car yet. The train ride finally came to a stop putting an end to your long trip to your new home. You grabbed your small suitcase that you decided to bring along with you containing anything you deemed important enough to keep by your side, an extra change of clothes, chargers, your laptop, etc. “Now arriving at Sendai Station.” announced the pre-recorded voice before the doors of the train opened and people began piling out of the car. You made your way out of the station and into the streets of Miyagi, ready to start your new life.

About to begin your walk to your house, your stomach suddenly growled, and it was LOUD. ‘Hmm maybe I should stop by a convenience store on my way home to grab some meat buns.’ you began to think. Afterall you wouldn’t have time to make an extravagant meal with all the unpacking an organizing you would have to get done today, seeing as tomorrow was Sunday and the following day you started your new job. Pulling out your phone you quickly googled convenience stores near you, looking for an option that would be on your way home. “Oh, this one is only 1 street off-course!” you announced to no one but yourself. “Hmm Sakanoshita store… looks cute!” and thus you began your trek.

After 15 painful minutes of walking the store came into view, you couldn’t have been more excited to eat a meat bun. Pulling the door open, the bell rang to signal your arrival. “One minute!!” announced a gravelly voice from the back room of the store. “Take your time! I’ll be shopping around a bit!” you shouted back and began your shopping. Of course, you made sure to go up and down every aisle just in case you saw something you didn’t previously think of. You heard the worker come out of the back room and suddenly felt an intense gaze on your back. Trying to ignore it you made your final selections and turned to go check out.

That’s when you saw him. The most attractive man you had ever seen. Long blond hair, tan skin, piercings, and an effortlessly casual style. He was, quite frankly, your dream guy. Realizing you had been staring, you snapped out of it, blush encroaching your cheeks. You brought your purchases up to the counter, going with a meat bun, a bottle of green tea, and some pocky as a tiny dessert. You couldn’t help the feeling that this beautiful cashier was staring at you a little too hard, however. “Excuse me miss, hope this isn’t weird, but do I know you from somewhere?” he suddenly asked you. Thinking about his question and studying you replied “I don’t believe so, I only just moved into town today, so I’m fairly new. I did live here for a while when I was just a kid though.” Suddenly he looked as though a lightbulb had gone off over his head, “Wait?! Y/n?!!! Is that you?” “How did you know my name??” you quickly retorted feeling a little creeped out. “It’s me! Ukai, Ukai Keishin!” he exclaimed. That’s when it all clicked. Keishin, how could you ever forget his beautiful face.

Keishin happened to be your neighbor when you lived in Miyagi previously. He also happened to be your first love. You could not be more ecstatic to finally see him again. Your best friend of 5 years that you so abruptly had to leave, the first boy you ever crushed on, and someone you had desperately wished you could have stayed in contact with. “Oh my God! Keishin how are you?? How have you been?? Any lady friends??” of course you had to throw that little question in there with a suggestive look on your face, you were an open book as always, having a filter was something you struggled with, but you didn’t mind. “I’ve been really good. And no, to be honest I haven’t had any serious relationships. How about you? What brought you back to Miyagi.” “I actually just got a job teaching at Shiratorizawa and of course there was no way I could turn that down so here I am. And no, no relationships for me, unfortunately.” Of course, what you couldn’t tell him was that your feelings for him just never seemed to go away, even in High School when you started to crush on other boys he was always at the back of your mind. How could you forget someone you always considered your soul mate? Having clicked so effortlessly that was the only logical explanation you could come to. “That’s amazing! They’re a great school and they’re lucky to have you. And I’m glad to see you back, Y/n. It never was the same after you left.” He responded, “You know, I never could seem to forget the moment you came to say goodbye to me and the letter you wrote me.” Letter? What letter? Racking your brain for any memory of writing him a letter and it hit you. You had confessed. How could you forget something that important? You were immediately a blushing mess, the guy you have been in love with since you were only 5 years old was standing in front of you and he knew you liked him, at least at one point in time. “Oh, haha, that letter.” God could you be any more obvious and uncomfortable. “Yeah, I was ecstatic to find out that my first love felt the same way.” Wait, what? You looked up abruptly, making eye contact immediately. “You know, y/n, it’s been a while and I have no idea what kind of person you’ve become. BUT I would be lying to you if I said my feelings weren’t still lingering, especially after seeing how beautiful you’ve become.” God he was smooth, you didn’t know how to react, so you stayed silent just staring with a bright red face. “How about you let me take you out to dinner one night this week? I would love to catch up with you, we can consider it a long-owed date seeing as I never did get to take you on a ‘date’ back when we were kids.” There was only one word to describe how you felt right now: shocked. You were in awe of everything happening, you moved home to your childhood town and here was your childhood best friend and first love standing in front of you asking you on a date. Hell-of-a first day back in town. Knowing you couldn’t leave him hanging any longer you decided on your response. “I would love that Keishin.”

[whatsup-200]

The Marauders and the Slytherin Chapter 8

Remus lupin x reader

TW: mentions of suicide/death

Chapter 8: The Letter

STORY MASTER LIST

(Yn pov)

 

I know what to do. I know the only one I would be leaving behind, the only one that actually liked me is Lily. But I am making it easier for everyone. James will finally be with Lily. Remus will move on and find love. Sirius and Peter will be pleased. So it’s the only way. I will have to leave Hogwarts forever. I will write a letter to Lily explaining where I am. So then she can visit me. I mean it is me last year anyway.

Then my door opened.

*At dinner time*

(Lily pov)

I have not seen y/n once today which is really weird. I asked Severus if he knew but he said the last time he has seen her was at breakfast. I guess I could talk to a few others even though I don’t think they would really care.

I walked up to the Gryffindor table where all James, Remus, Sirius and Peter was.

Lily – Hey guys! Do you have a minute?

James – Whats up Lily? Still hanging around that pathetic excuse of a person.

Lily – She is not pathetic and no. I was wanting to ask you if you knew where she was.

Sirius – Why would we know. We don’t follow her around like a loss puppy.

Lily – Listen I am really concerned with the missing student list so please just help me out.

James – fine bit you owe us. Ok?

Lily- Fine just come.

Sirius – alright let’s go!

It’s been two hours and we have been searching the castle non stop. Not that the others have been searching. The last place we have to go is the forbidden forest and that is were we will be.

As we’re in the forbidden forest. Sirius and James kept telling me to go back to the Castle.

James – Come on Lily! She is clearly not out here.

Sirius – Yeah let’s go back inside!

Lily – NO! I will not rest till I find her.

Do we kept looking.

Remus – Wait what is that?

Remus was pointing toward something. We step closer to see.

Lily – that’s not something Remus that’s y/n. Y/N! Are you okay?

I try to shake her awake to find out that she is not breaking.

Lily – she is dead.

I hear the others gasping behind me.

Lily – come on we need to tell Dumbledore.

We raced to go tell Dumbledore and he looked at the body.

Dumbledore – we are sorry to tell you that y/n has committed, we found in her pocket that she has left a letter for each of you and a memory vile. Please take these to a private room when reading and watching her memories. With that I was crying non stop and we all went up to my dorm.

 

(Dumbledore’s pov)

*In his office*

Minnie- Why didn’t you tell the truth!

Dumbledore- it is easier to say she committed then having the school on lockdown for her murder.

Minnie – but we have a killer on the loose.

Dumbledore- And we will find them and get justice for y/n death but until then we must remain patient.

Minnie – I think her murder was planned!

Dumbledore- I think it was as well. The person who killed her also wanted it to seem like she committed so they can get away with it. My biggest fear is that it may be someone in Hogwarts right now. Maybe even a student. But only time will tell. Remember she may be gone but never forgotten. Y/n was a true Slytherin, she showed Leadership,  Cleverness, determination, Resourceful, and more that made her just right for her house. And today she has proven to the other students that being in Slytherin dies not make you the bad guy.

 

(Lily pov)

We are in my dorm getting ready to read the letter she wrote. We are all going to take turn reading the out loud then we are going to watch her memories.

Lily – So who will start?

They all stayed quiet.

Lily – Nobody? Fine then I will go.

“Dear Lily,

I wish to tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry for not trying to live in a world that has done nothing but hate me. You Lily were my only friend, my only family. I will miss you dearly. I know that you may not like James right now but he is a good man. I can’t blame him for not trusting me based on my house. I will miss you so much and don’t worry this is not the end. I will see you soon.

Love Y/n.”

Lily- That’s mine whose next.

Sirius – I guess I can go.

“Dear Sirius,

I understand your past with your family and how difficult it is I never had a great childhood either with will be explained in my memory. I want you to know that I always saw you as a brother even though you hated me and torched me for years. I still care for you.. I wish you the best in life. Remember Life is only seen on how you choose to live it!

Love, Y/n.”

Sirius – that’s the end of mine.

I noticed that Sirius looked like he was going to tear up.

Remus – I will go,

“Dear Remus,

I want you to know that I will always love you. Even after you have yelled at me or hurt me. I was the one who took you to that cabin. It was my family’s get away cabin when I was young which will also be included in my memories. I have the key and the step by step direction for the chocolate you always liked. I want you to know that the cabin is yours to go to after full moons. And one last thing you should never be afraid of people judging you for being a werewolf. You are perfect as you are.

Love, Y/n”

Remus – It also has the key and directions. I need to go I will be back.

He ran out of my dorm with his head down.

Lily – Whose next?

 

(Remus pov)

I can’t believe it. Y/n is gone and it’s ally fault.

Tears are spilling from my eyes as I can’t control my anger.

I miss her and I don’t know what to do. I said awful things to her when she has done nothing but help me.

After a good 15 minutes I go back in Lily’s room.

Remus – Has everyone gone there turn?

Lily- yeah! And while you were out there a few boys confessed anything you should tell Remus before we watch y/n memories? Boys?

I was so confused what did she mean?

Peter – Y/n was never mean to us!

Sirius – We bullied her and made her feel worthless.

James – I am the one who told her that it would be better if she died.

Remus – YOU WHAT! ALL THIS TIME I HAVE BEEN ANGRY WITH HER AND BELIEVING YOU WHEN SHE WAS THE REAL VICTIM. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YPU DO THAT. YOU GUYS KNEW THAT I WAS INLOVE WITH HET BUT YOU HURT HER. AND THEN BLAMED HET BECAUSE YOU GUYS DID NOT LOKE HER?

I was furious to know that they did this.

Sirius – we are so sor-

Remus – Sorry is not going to bring her back. Let’s jus watch her memories.

I said as I snapped at them. We followed the directions to be able to see her memories.

It started when she was little and she met me. Told me I was monster to when she got home she was abused by her father. She was only eight . Then to when she met the others. As we watched her memories we noticed she always looked happy but was really not. We did not know her father hurt her constantly. Not only did he abuse her but her mom was il. At the age of thirteenth her and her mom found the cabin. The same cabin she brought me to. Later her dad was thrown on jail . And one day when she got home to the cabin she saw her mom die in front of her. Her mother’s last words was “Goodbye is not forever" then it showed all the Pain James and Sirius and Peter caused her they bullied her. Then it showed the moment that the others made me believe them and I snapped at her. Then all the times Lily has cheered her up. Lily was there when no one else was!

Now the memories has ended. It was awful we all were crying at this point. We miss her. And her death was my fault.

I miss her!

 

 

(Unknown pov)

And that is why you should never bully someone. They may just take their life from it. Me and your mother got together two years later to fulfill her wish. And there is not a day when we all don’t think about her. Remus couldn’t move on from her, and it hurts to seem h in pain. When you see this letter you will be old enough to understand. Don’t judge someone based on their house before you are put into their shoes for a day.

We love you Harry!

Love Dad!

(Harry pov)

Hermione- wow that is something for you

Harry- yeah we should ask Sirius and professor Lupin about this. Maybe they can tell us more about Y/n.

So we head down to the meeting.

 

Authors Note: This is not the end of us don’t worry keep reading to find out more!

[lizacstuff]

SCK/Edser Asks Episode 36 (+37 spec)

(asks under the cut)

Anonymous said: I really liked parts of SCK this week, but other parts made me want to scream. What did you think?

Same, same. This episode taken as an exercise in just watching Hande and Kerem doing their thing...  AMAZING. But... even they can’t save the writing. 

I’ll get into detail as I answer asks, but I felt this episode was a bit disjointed and I’m wondering if that is due to some of the alleged rewrites that happened. We know  for sure there were rewrites for Bige, for instance I’m guessing that the Serkan/Selin conversation was supposed to be in person and not on the phone and that it might have been watered down due to that. But even prior to that, we know that they delayed shooting for a day and a half and it was said to be because there were rewrites. I’m honestly wondering if they got the scripts and there wasn’t enough Eda and Serkan, and so maybe the producers had the writers go back and try and fix that and maybe that’s why there seemed to be some emotional inconsistencies scene to scene? Who knows, but I got that feeling just like I did with episode 24. Another one with great scenes that didn’t always make sense one after the other. 

That being said, lets jump in:

Anonymous said: Just me or did anyone else feel uneasy at how quickly everyone in SCK decided to just forget the last 6 weeks? Eda & Serkan were just so happy to be back together and we got lots of sweet moments but it just felt like something bad was going to happen. Plus did the characters (and the viewers) really go through all this pain just to gloss over it and pretend things were normal again? While I think the Selin pregnancy story will be wrapped up quickly mostly due to Bige’s current situation, I think (and hope) it has brought to light that Eda & Serkan have some work to do before getting married. They love each other but something feels off. The super quick proposal with a random ring just felt so wrong to me. I am still struggling with Serkan’s character and Eda needs some time to process everything that has happened.

Uneasy is a great word to describe how I was feeling. I think that was a huge problem with this episode.  It’s almost like as the audience we’re being gaslit. Like they write this huge traumatic, dramatic storyline, they have Serkan go through hell, break Eda’s heart over and over again, they have Selin and Deniz as awful, manipulative people terrorizing the protagonists, but then at the end the narrative is like *handwave* “Nah, you’re crazy, it wasn’t that bad. These people don’t need to talk about anything or heal, no apologizes, no emotional showdowns and the villains don’t need to be punished, we’ll all just move on.”

IT’S UNSETTLING AS A VIEWER. I feel cheated. I invested in this story, watched in week after week, and then they’re not even going to give us a remorseful, devastated Serkan? Everything was glossed over. They gave us some wonderful, sweet Edser scenes (especially visually) but on my first viewing it felt like this weird cloud was hanging over everything and I couldn’t really enjoy them because I kept expecting the narrative to make some sort of meaning out of everything they’d been through, and that did not happen. (notes on my second viewing down below) 

The problem is these writers. They seem fine at coming up with melodramatic plots and shocking cliffhangers, but they have no idea how to give the emotional pay off for what they’ve set in motion.  When you put your audience through hell, you owe them to really deliver the emotional climax and these writers dropped the ball pretty much in every way they could throughout this story.

The random ring felt very wrong, but I’m sure they didn’t want to go back to the flower for a proposal that wasn’t going to be successful. No need to make it even more cursed than it is. Serkan’s decision to propose while sweet, was way too soon. I think what the writers were going for was having him propose in front of all of their family and friends, because deep down he knows how much he hurt her when he proposed to Selin in front of all of them. There was a hint of that at the wedding when he wanted to make sure everyone knew how he felt. Especially with the imagery of him getting down on one knee. Getting down on one knee signifies loyalty, obedience and respect so I think there was a lot of significant to him laying himself open to her, and symbolically declaring himself subservient to her in front of everyone. 

It’s actually very sweet and does a bit of work in the righting of wrongs, but it’s misguided, and I’m glad it failed. Maybe if we hold out, there were be new writers before she next proposes! 

Anonymous said: The real crux of SCK is that these writers cannot write for Serkan. They do not understand his character and probably never watched previous episodes. Since episode 29, there almost seems to be an internal battle with the character because he jumps back & forth between almost being old Serkan & then a straight up cold jerk usually directed at Eda. Still felt it in this recent episode, honestly the only thing that seemed to change was having his memory back & being 100% sure that Eda loved him. Maybe Eda turning down the proposal and him confronting Selin about the pregnancy will finally bring him?

You know maybe that will bring him back. I agree with you, I very much doubt these writers have seen all the episodes, it almost seems like they’re writing him from a character description or something. 

On the other hand, I could see after being through a plane crash and having a brain injury, amnesia, PTSD and then weeks of brainwashing and manipulation, that Serkan might be different, especially at first as he adjusts to getting his memories back. I don’t know how retrograde amnesia usually works, if it’s just bits and pieces as he learns to access them or a flood, but I’m sure it’s a lot to handle.  And I would be FINE with that, if that was the story they were telling. That he’s overwhelmed and hasn’t processed everything yet, that he’s not exactly the same as he was. However... I have zero faith the writers are doing that on purpose or telling this story. They just ain’t that nuanced. 

Anonymous said: I am wracking my brain trying to come up with something to justify Serkan asking Selin to stay at the company & not sell her shares. Like how is that acceptable? And he wanted Eda to be happy with just getting an apology from Selin.....nope, still do not get it. We all know that Serkan does not love Selin but he is never willing to make her feel bad about awful decisions & never goes out of his way to humiliate or hurt her. Nope, he tends to save all of that for Eda.

As I was watching, that scene made my blood boil. BOIL. 

However, afterwards, I calmed down, and I can think of a few reasons to justify where Serkan’s head was at.  First, we don’t know what Serkan exactly remembers, or if he’s just been hyper focused on Eda. He might not have thought a ton about what Selin had done and how they parted when she left the country the first time around.  

Second, remember that Serkan does not know what we know. He doesn’t know that Selin has been actively conspiring with Deniz to keep him and Eda apart and working against them every step of the way. He doesn’t know that she sabotaged Eda’s presentation and Art Life, he doesn’t know that the car accident was fake, that her injuries were fake, that she has been stalking him or that she goaded Deniz in to running from signing the marriage thing. 

He doesn’t even know all the things she did in the past. He doesn’t know that she leaked that story to the press which caused Eda to faint. And he can’t even be sure she switched the addresses that caused them to miss each other at dinner, though we assume he suspected her. 

From what he said to her, he now has processed enough to realize that not all was on the up and up, she was trying to steal their love. Insert herself where she didn’t belong. But as soon as he said that, she started manipulating him again. She instantly turned herself in to the victim and put him on the biggest guilt trip ever. Blah Blah He called her. She was there for him. She loved him. She was trying to build their life together. Blah Blah Blah. All his fault. She’s spent months brainwashing him, that doesn’t wear off in a few hours.   Manipulation. Guilt. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I also think they wanted to show him being more than fair to her, so that he wasn’t the asshole in her story and it would be clear that he doesn’t deserve anything she’d done. We saw him tell her that he wants her to be happy, to show that he is a much better person than she is. She’s still trying to ruin his life, when he’s being more than fair and equitable about things. Plus the guilt is not new. He’s felt guilty about Selin since the beginning, because he knew he used Selin as an excuse to keep Eda near during the entire fake engagement period, and it led to her broken engagement with Ferit, that’s why she got away with a lot in the first 20 eps, Serkan's guilt, and she’s still playing on it. 

Also, lets remember he did give her that epic take down in 20. Which lets face it, does it get any more hurtful or humiliatingly to have your ex yell in your face that he never loved you and your childhood friend say that your friendship is over?  So I don’t entirely agree with you that he’s never done that. He has, it just took him seeing her hurt Eda to get him to act. 

You also say that he saves all his hurt and humiliation for Eda, first for most of that he had amnesia and was being brainwashed, so lets take that into account. Second, he also saves ALL his love, trust and admiration for her.  And I think that’s part of it, its the dynamics of the relationships. I don’t think Selin and Serkan really ever fought, there was no passion, there was no heat. They seemingly treated the relationship as an extension of a business relationship. Very cold and impersonal. Simply stated he rarely gets upset and angry with Selin, because he just doesn’t care. With Eda their relationship was built on passion. They spark. They argue, they like to argue. And for her, he cares more than he ever knew was possible. Falling in love and learning to be in love is part of the character’s journey on this show

It goes back to that scene in 18, where he came down a little hard on Eda. Maybe it’s not right, but from Serkan’s perspective, how he interact with them is very different because how he feels about them is very different. He said it during that conversation when Eda asked how he can be kind to Selin when she sold the shares, but discard her... and Serkan blurted out because he has never loved Selin. At that point she couldn’t inspire him to anger. But with Eda sometimes all the emotions overflows and erupts.  

Anyway, to that scene, yes it pissed me off, but I do think there is a way to justify it. Also I wonder if they watered it down and decided to save some of it since it had to be a phone conversation instead of in-person because of the death of Bige’s father?

That being said, I would have stood up and cheered if Eda said right then and there that it’s her or me. Serkan needed to be shaken out of his stooper and made to realize that they can not have Selin’s toxic presence anywhere near them and he needs to understand how hurt Eda was.  I’m hoping he just hadn’t had time to put all the pieces together yet. 

Anonymous said:Mar 21 · a day ago 1) i've seen the garage scene has been making its round across the fandom as the #1 example of how "this is not our serkan" because of he was "being cold." what are your thoughts on it? because to me.. they were literally just stress bickering and then made up. eda wasn't offended by anything, so why is the fandom tied in knots over it? isn't this what we wanted from them? for them to bicker and fight but at the end of it just BE together? i guess i saw that scene differently than most people.

I think that’s exactly how that scene was supposed to be taken. IMO it was the writer’s attempt to insert an argument (because Serkan and Eda’s relationship is always going to have arguing, and the audience loves it, so they have to find a way to give us that every so often) to get that dynamic going. 

But the problem is the narrative didn’t earn Serkan bickering with her after everything that’s happened. If you take that scene and insert it after they’ve had a heartfelt talk where Serkan has acknowledge how hurt Eda was through everything and we saw real remorse from him, then those scenes are absolutely fine. Well minus the one line where Serkan tried to dismiss her talking about things with, “Didn’t we talk about this yesterday?” That was not great. Serkan has not earned the right to shut down any line of conversation about his amnesiac behavior. 

The writers are just so BAD! They trapped them together with nothing to do but talk, this was the perfect opportunity for them to actually go deep and real and to have Eda tell him how hurt she’d been and for Serkan to really show some emotion and let us see that it hurt him that he hurt her. But they didn’t do that. 

I went back and rewatched these scenes and I enjoyed them. Hande and Kerem were great. Without the angst of expectation hanging over them, they’re good scenes. As two people under stress from a race-against-the-clock situation, stuck in a garage and arguing about that, and then making up they were fun.  It’s just that lack of emotional consistency after everything they’ve been through that is a problem. 

I have no idea why the writers didn’t have the big conversation between them. They gave hints of it. We saw Serkan offer an apology while dancing the night before and Eda shut it down. They had some tender moments in his loft, but it wasn’t enough because we really didn’t see that Serkan was hurt by how he hurt Eda.  He seemed to realize that he needed to apologize and that she was the hero and that he needed to make things up to her, but the thing that was missing was them really talking about it. And that would have been okay, Eda was exhausted, both physically and emotionally after everything, but then they should have addressed it later in the episode. 

Anonymous said: Can we talk about how the side characters actually serviced the main EdSer plot this episode? I loved that Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi were out there trying to catch Deniz, and they still had time for an Aydan/Kemal conversation. That Alex plot did these women a huge disservice.

Yes! I agree the supporting characters were all doing what they should be doing, supporting the A-story. I enjoyed the Aydan/Ayfer/Seyfi scenes, glad they were useful!  

Plus I was actually touched by how Aydan called Ayfer in her time of need, they’ve actually become real, true friends which is a cool development. I’m looking forward to the Kemal storyline. Dude is way too interested in Serkan... I’m not sure if he’s Serkan’s father or not, but I think he thinks he might be.  Loved that Serkan’s spidey-senses were tingling when it came to him and he was on his guard... if only those spidey-senses worked with Selin. 

Melo remains queen and Ceren earned a few rights back by getting the legal in order. 

However, WTF was that random Piril/Engin storyline with the hospital? For a second there I thought this show was going really DARK. 

Anonymous said: Is it weird that the scene with Serkan apologizing to Eda in his apartment and her kind of brushing it off with the comment “you did not do it on purpose” reminded me a lot of Max trying to apologize to Liz after getting his memory back? Like you just knew that the happiness was not going to last for very long. You cannot gloss over all that pain just because the person you missed is back. Although I will say Max was a lot more apologetic than Serkan and did not act like a jerk during the rest of the episode. Feels like even if this Selin baby situation is resolved quickly that Edser still has a lot of work to do before getting married.

Oh interesting comparison, but right, Max lost his memories for about 30 minutes of screen time (vs Serkan’s almost 900) so Max had a lot less time to do damage! I was always left unsatisfied with that memory-loss storyline I think it should have lasted until the next episode, but everything with the timing in S2 RNM was a little off for me. 

But to you point about Edser having work to do before marriage, I completely agree. Although, I don’t even think it’s like they need to take a ton of time, they just have to spend some real, uninterrupted time together and talk all this through. There is no need to rush it when they haven’t dealt with any of the trauma. Like a nice two-week vacation would do them a world of good. 

Anonymous said: So are we supposed to think that Eda slept by herself on the sofa downstairs after they had sex? Not exactly romantic. Serkan’s character is still coming off very cold to me although it was definitely a lot better than previous episodes.

Not sure what that was, other than maybe (HOPEFULLY) they want to show us Edser’s carnal reunion and that episode wasn’t the place for it? Also, tbh, I assume with shooting schedules they just didn’t want to have yet another location to prep and shoot in, which the bedroom would have been, so Eda on the couch. Though I don’t know why we couldn’t have had both of them waking up on the couch like ep 11. 

Anonymous said: The whole scene at Serkan's house at night felt like such a balm to my soul after the past few episodes. Him telling her that she's the hero in their love story and he owes all the happy moments for the rest of their lives to her... whew it had me welling up. I feel like we'll get more of that guilt out of Serkan after this whole new Selin plot is unraveled, but that scene (with the beautiful music) was honestly what I NEEDED after ep 29 onwards.

Oh I’m so glad it worked for you. I enjoyed those scenes, especially on rewatch. On rewatch I could take them for what they were, but while watching the episode as a whole I was so on edge waiting for some sort of emotional conversation or breakthrough, so that was harder to enjoy.  

Hande and Kerem were terrific in them as always. I like that Eda suggested they start fresh in a place of their own, and that he immediately agreed. I liked him wanting to dance with her and hold her, and he did say some very nice things, apologizing and saying she was the hero of their story, but the scenes just didn’t go deep enough for where they were the next day with Serkan being a bit flippant at times. These scenes didn’t do enough repair work to warrant his behavior, though I do acknowledge he was under a lot of stress. 

Anonymous said: I'm convinced that these writers are here to sabotage the show. There is no other explanation. No offense to Bige but they should've just cut all of her scenes out and have Selin leave the country abruptly. We didn't need Serkan wishing her happiness, wanting her stay at Art life, and arguing with Eda over it. (what the actual fuck?) To have Bige come back to set this week to play out this pregnancy plot is unfortunate - they really could've just ditched it last minute and that makes me so mad.

The writers suck, and I need them to go like I need a giant vat of sangria while watching this show, but they are not here to sabotage the show. 

Anonymous said: I've seen some people say that the serkan now is not "our" serkan and serkan from 28.. do you agree with that? Because of COURSE he won't be the same after everything they've had to go through since then.. I think mainly people seem to think that unless he's like on his knees sobbing for Eda's forgiveness, he's not "back" which I don't agree with. Or maybe I'm just personally over the sadness and don't need a huge breakdown scene and would rather just see them move past it.

I’d take the breakdown scene. This is the man who sobbed when he found out his father was responsible for Eda’s parents death.  How has he not had been devastated by how badly he treated her? He said some very nice things in the last episode, but hasn’t offered any specific apology or explanations. It’s all been very broad and on the surface. 

Seriously, the scene could last only 3-5 minutes and be amazing and not drag down the entire show. The writers insisted on Serkan treating Eda pretty roughly for a LOT of episodes in a row, they owe it to us for him to face that and deal with it. Maybe it will happen when this Selin stuff comes to a head. 

Anonymous said: idk if i'm the only one who feels this way, but after 6 WEEKS of no edser, we get an episode full of happy (except the last 10 mins) and somehow people still nitpick the scenes? and im the first one to admit the writers have sucked all through out the memory plot, but im also not gonna just hate scenes automatically bc i hate them? if you're at the point where you can't even enjoy edser in love and together then what's the point watching? maybe i need to get off twitter after watching the ep.

First I do agree with that. Twitter after the episode is a toxic pit of joyless negativity. Also it always has been that way, even after awesome episodes. For whatever reason on that platform, people knee-jerk react to everything and it’s super unpleasant. 

As to your point about nitpicking, I agree. It’s very prevalent in fandom. Because maybe you watch something and liked it. There were a few things that weren’t great, but over all, enjoyable. Then you go online and you see people spiraling about things that hadn’t even hit you and you start thinking about them and all of a sudden something that didn’t bother you while watching is now looming large as as a huge flaw in the show. 

In a vacuum the Edser scenes were great. Lots of sweet moments, stunning visuals, H/K chemistry on full display, it’s a shame that it was all a bit disjointed while watching the first time through. The writers just can’t seem to do the big moments justice. 

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the ending? She can’t really be pregnant can she? At least not with serkans kid. How the hell are they going to solve this if bige probably isn’t in the next ep or more? :(

Well since you sent this we’ve seen the fragman. At this point, my money is on her being really pregnant with Deniz’s child (By the way, before the fragman I wasn’t sure if she was really pregnant, but if she was I was pretty sure it was Deniz)  and I still have a ton of hope that Serkan will know it’s not his, because they didn’t sleep together.

If she’s really pregnant and there was any possibility that Serkan could have been the father she would have been throwing it in his face and making a play to keep him. There is no doubt about that. The fact that she was fleeing the country and adamant that she didn’t want Serkan to know? I think it’s because it can’t be his because they never had sex and she doesn’t want him to know she was cheating on him while they were engaged. She couldn’t continue to play the victim card if he finds that out. 

Anonymous said: Selin is def not pregnant IMO. But would she have even concocted this plan if there wasn’t a good chance of eda and serkan believing it for a while? So does that mean the writers are going to make it so that Selin and serkan slept together :( would they really go there?

I think if you watch the Eda/Selin scene again you will see that Selin never says that Serkan is the father, she just says she’s leaving and she repeats again and again that she doesn’t want Serkan to know.  

As I said above if she’s really pregnant and there was any way to sell it as Sekan’s, then she would tell him right away and keep on keeping on with the guilt and manipulation.

Even if it’s fake, then she’s doing it just to try and throw one last wrench at the relationship. She told Eda not to tell Serkan over and over again. It it’s fake, maybe a Hail Mary hoping Eda will pull the breaks and potentially leave.  This woman is desperate to ruin their happiness, she would do anything even if all it does it cause upset and turmoil for a day. 

Anonymous said: I keep hoping that they would pull of one of the biggest twists in dizi history and say that these last 7 episodes were a dream. Imagine how epic that would be.

That would be amazing. Let it all be Serkan’s coma dream after the plane crash and he wakes up to Eda at his bedside.

Anonymous said: While I don’t like Eda saying no to the proposal due to believing Selin’s pregnancy story, I was actually happy that the Edser reconciliation was not wrapped up so quickly. I want them back together but had a real problem with Serkan’s attitude for most of the episode. And him allowing Selin to still work at the company and just apologize to Eda like she borrowed her favorite sweater & never returned it....like who is this guy? And being unwilling to take any blame with the Deniz situation? He needs to actually seem remorseful considering everything that Eda went through. I fear the real problem with his character is the writers which means we may never see episode 1-28 Serkan ever again 😭.

I’ve pretty much addressed all this, but, yes, I feel you. I think it’s a good thing that their reconciliation is going to take more work. Let’s hope the writers find some sort of nuance and skill and get it done! 

Anonymous said: I wish bad things on those people who came up with the rumors that we were getting new writers 💀Or the ones who keep saying that Selin will be gone in the next episode and we are coming up on #9 with her. I know it's my own fault for getting my hopes up but still lol - they are purposely extending her stay on this show to spite us, no? This is starting to feel like a personal attack 😂

I KNOW! Those damn spoiler people with their snake oil and false promises! LOL. I have believed them more than once (mostly because I wanted to so badly). That Yasin person (who lies more than he tells the truth) still insists there will be new writers. We shall see. I know more than a few hearts broke when we saw the same names wrote ep 37. 

Anonymous said: Do you ever think we’ll get our serkan (ep 1-28) back? Even though he recovered his memory he’s acting so different. In the moments when he’s not being super sweet with eda, he’s inexplicably cold or apathetic. Like when they were stuck in the garage, it was hard to believe he just dismissed her when she brought up being hurt by the memory thing. And telling her to shut up when she was worried instead of comforting her? ESP bc he knows she’s claustrophobic. And answering the phone in the end, even though that “efendim... sevgilim” was turned into a comedic bit, the way he just didn’t seem excited to talk to eda at all? Compared to their phone convos in 12(?) and 27. Idk I can’t believe he has the audacity to be 1) annoyed with eda’s lingering frustration 2) in general not be more apologetic 3) so civil towards Selin? Asking her to stay and saying he wants her to be happy? What the ABSOLUTE FUCK?

I get it, but I think you’ll enjoy the show more if you take a deep breath, realize these writers SUCK, and then try and enjoy the Edser scenes individually. They’re actually pretty good that way. It’s like what I said last week, in order to enjoy, emotionally detach yourself from the plot, and view this as an excuse to see Hande and Kerem make their magic together. 

Anonymous said: Ugh sheesh of eda doesn’t tell serkan about selins non pregnancy right away and we have to spend a whole episode with both of them hurt and serkan confused idk how I’m going to have patience to watch it through

This came before the fragman, but from the fragman it appears it’s going to take the whole episode, but I thought it looked like it would be watchable.  Seems to me Eda is not going to tell Serkan about the pregnancy. Deniz is going to tip Eda that Selin might be up to something. Cue the girls investigating. At the same time maybe Eda tips off Deniz that Selin is pregnant. Deniz confronts Selin asking if he’s the father.  Separately Serkan is trying to find out what’s going on, he finds out Selin is pregnant and the trailer is him telling Engin. I think his reaction could very well be because he’s super confused because how can Selin be pregnant when she was engaged to him but they weren’t sleeping together?? Or he’s furious because he thinks Selin told Eda that and he knows it can’t be true (at least that he’s the father).  At least we know that Serkan and Eda have a romantic night at some point...  

Anonymous said: I feel like the SCK fandom is on pins & needles waiting to find out in the next episode if Selin & Serkan actually slept together during the 3ish months they were together. Like I want Eda to be honest with him about why she turned down the proposal but then it is either a quick “we never slept together so not possible” that ends that storyline or he admits they did and we spiral into figuring out if she really is pregnant/who is the father. But if she decides not to tell him then he has to spend the episode trying to figure out what happened. Worst case scenario is her not telling him, him spending the whole episode trying to find out and then it ends with a reveal that they did sleep together & pregnancy is possible.

I’m still sticking with that they always purposefully showed us them not sleeping in the same place AND these writers have proved they are aware of the whole “Nobody touches you but me” thing. Why, out of everything, with this storyline looming, is that what he remembered if it wasn’t going to come into play?  

And honestly, I don’t want to even speculate it could go the other way, so everyone can stop asking me about that. If we have to cross that bridge, we’ll do it when the time comes. As long as there’s hope, that’s where I’m camping.

Anonymous said: damn, people were just joking about it, but selin and deniz really DID get freaky in the woods lol. no wonder the next time she visited the cafe after the trip she was all awkward about it.

She was totally awkward! And she was checking herself out in the mirror, primping, before she saw him. That’s totally when they did the ugly. 

I was cracking up today reading all the people on twitter screaming about “HOW?  WHEN?” in regards to Selin and Deniz. UM... they had ample opportunity. They were constantly meeting to discuss their nefarious plans. She was always at his coffee shop. That night at the cabin, Selin and Deniz both went away disappointed and angry leaving Eda and Serkan at the shelter, makes sense they would find cold comfort in each other’s arms. She was acting weird in the last couple of episodes like she’d almost given up and like she was disheartened by how into the sabotage Deniz still was.   Also they are side characters in the Edser show, we’re not always going to see what they’re doing. (THANK GOODNESS, last thing we need is that burned into our brains!)

[pietromelim]

Short story of Gabriel Lightwood and Jesse Blackthorn!

Idea by @thechainofiron !

-Well,this is it. You are ready to be a true Shadowhunter,Jesse. I'm sure you must be happy with that.-Gabriel said.

It was time for a patrol,since the demonic activity increased after the destruction of the Mandikhor. Gabriel was with his nephew,Jesse Blackthorn.

Gabriel never liked the fact that he couldn't see or talk to Jesse when he was just a boy. His sister,Tatiana,never allowed him,nor Gideon.

As a matter of fact,she never allowed any Lightwood or anyone else to come near them. Tatiana hated him,he knew that,she was full of resentment and anger.

But Jesse didn't seemed to,even though he was raised by Tatiana. It was quite a shock to Gabriel to see how responsible and kind Jesse was,in comparison to his mother.

Jesse looked at his uncle. He had saw his face before,when he was younger. He would usually dream of a different world. A world where there was no hate between the Lightwoods and the Blackthorns. A world where he could have a normal family,full of love,as it should have been.

It felt weird now. To be with his uncles and aunts,his cousins as well. He knew what his mother thought of them all. If she were not at the Citadel,she would never allow him to see them.

But she wasn't there,and Jesse was tired of so much hatred. They were family,and that was a fact. He could choose to let darkness define him,but he would never do that. Life is light,and a life in darkness is no life at all.

-I am. I died because i wanted to have a rune. Now i have many of them. I can be the warrior i always wanted to be. I owe that to you and Uncle Gideon. And Lucie,of course.-Said Jesse.

Gabriel smiled.

-Lucie! She reminds me of Cecily in so many ways. What she did for you,Jesse. I doubt many would do.-Gabriel said.

Jesse stared at the moon above his head,white like a flame in the black sky. Lucie was his heroine. That new life he had was thanks to her.

-Yes. She is quite amazing. I'm just glad that i will be able to make part of this family now. I was terribly lonely,i didn't had friends my age,or any friend. I only had Grace.-Jesse said.

Grace. She was a mystery to Gabriel. She was his niece,but she never seemed comfortable in his presence. He wanted to know her better,as he was doing with Jesse.

-I have tried to talk to her before. But she barely says anything. Is she always like that?-Gabriel asked.

"Not really" Jesse thought,but said nothing. Tatiana treated them very differently in their childhood. And she never made any effort in hiding that.

To her,he was her beautiful boy,her prince in a castle of thorns. Perhaps Tatiana only loved him. She was hard with Grace. She was rigorous and impatient,sometimes even cruel.

She tried to hit Grace once,but Jesse could not allow that. He defended Grace,refusing to let Tatiana touch her.

-It is just the way she was raised. Grace is deeply grateful to all that my mother did for her. She is probably having a hard time realizing that mother lied to us about you all. I am not going to lie to you,Uncle Gabriel. Mother said awful things about you,and about everyone else. She seemed to see all of you in a very specific way.-Jesse said.

Gabriel didn't really knew what to say. He was not surprised,he expected such things from Tatiana,since she was unable to give up her hatred.

It was hard to believe that she had raised such a nice boy,like Jesse.

-I understand. I truly want you and Grace to see us like family,for that is what we are. But let me ask you,Jesse. Why do you not hate us? You never believed in what your mother said?-Gabriel asked.

Jesse shook his head.

-It is not that i never believed her. I just think that every tale has two sides. She hated Mr.Herondale. She used to say that he was a lunatic who ruined women and was stupid enough to marry a warlock. But the Herondales are nothing like she said. Mrs.Herondale was incredibly nice to me when i came to Institute. James and Mr.Herondale helped me with my training. And Lucie...-Jesse said.

There were many things he could say about Lucie,but if he began,he would only finish by dawn.

-What i am trying to say is,i think you need to know both sides of the story before having an opinion.-Jesse said.

-It's good to see that you think like that. You mother never knew,but when you died,i cried. I mourned your loss.-Gabriel said.

Jesse stared his uncle. Was he being serious?

-But why? We never had the chance to create any kind of relationship. You shouldn't feel sadness for the death of someone you don't even know.-Jesse asked.

-I think that is why. I deeply care for all my nieces and nephews. But Tatiana never gave me the chance to do the same with you and Grace. Perhaps i should have tried harder. I believe that a strong love can destroy even the deepest hatred.-Gabriel said.

Jesse also believed in that. All those terrible emotions Tatiana had in herself would do no one good. It wasn't even good to her. If she were there,she would not accept Jesse creating bonds with the Lightwoods. Her wrath would grow even more.

And she would never accept the love he felt for Lucie. But Jesse was not willing to give up neither of them.

He loved his mother,and he would always love her. But she needed help,and he wanted to help her.

Jesse didn't knew if it was possible,but perhaps he could ask Charlotte permission to visit his mother. Perhaps he could convince her to let go of that hatred.

Perhaps they could still be the family he had always dreamed of.

-I believe in that as well.-Jesse said.

-Then let us put an end to this grudge between our families. You are the only one who has Lightwood and Blackthorn blood. We shall be having a ball in our Manor at Idris,to celebrate your return. Come and have a good time with your family. And bring Grace with you. She is family as well.-Gabriel said.

Jesse was about to accept his invitation when a shadow moved in the alley bellow. They were standing on top of a roof.

He had a Seraph Blade in his hand,Jesse jumped in the direction of the shadow.

-Gabriel!-He said,as the Blade began to shine,an intense light in the dark alley. He slayed the demon in no time. Ichor spilled on the walls as his feet touched the ground.

Gabriel was an angel's name. Of an Archangel,to be exact.

Gabriel watched Jesse destroy the demon with ease. It seemed quite natural for his nephew. He jumped with graciousness,almost like an angel of the night.

Jesse heard the sound of something hitting the floor. He turned around to see his uncle standing behind him.

-How was that? Not bad for a first time,right?-Jesse asked.

Gabriel looked at his nephew,whose eyes were as green as his. Technically,Jesse was 24 years old. But he still looked like a teenager. He was just his 17 year old nephew.

Gabriel remembered the first time he killed a demon. He was with Gideon,his brother. He had cut a Deumas demon in half,only to get covered in ichor. Gideon laughed for minutes.

The memory made Gabriel laugh as well.

-Well,it was certainly better than mine. You do seem to have a talent at being a Shadowhunter,Jesse.-Gabriel said.

-It was better than yours? I suppose you never told me that story.-Jesse said.

Gabriel nodded.

-Well,don't worry. We have the rest of the night to hunt demons together,and plenty of time to tell you many different stories.-Gabriel said.

Jesse smiled. He was beginning to feel part of the family already.

-Tell me all of them,Uncle.-Jesse said.

[sea-side-scribbles]

Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: 

https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/58925701

Chapter 18: 

Soon, the band came together again for another session and Nick’s new, or better, old outfit was well received once more. As the day progressed, there was still something that got the better of him. The more time passed, the more he had to think about another promise he had made, another one he had been serious about but what got him in dire straits now. Then the band took a time out earlier than yesterday, because they all were exhausted and their ideas had started to run out. In the general tension of them all Nick’s unease didn’t stand out that much. But he felt the knot in his throat grow again while the others prepared to go out. He would’ve loved nothing better than to simply join them and ignore his problem, as he would’ve done in the past. But now there was more on the line. He needed another excuse, and he franticly tried to find one while the others got ready to leave. Hopping from one foot to the other, he finally attracted the other’s attention.

Morrie, who was keeping an eye on Nick anyway, asked him what was wrong.

Thereafter all the others took notice and looked at him too, what was rather uncomfortable for him.

„Don’t worry, tomorrow will brighten up, you’ll see“, Matthew tried to cheer him up and Nick gave a faint smile.

„It’s not that….uh…I gotta take care of some things…Why don’t you go ahead, I’ll catch up with you later.“

„What are you up to?“ Morrie didn’t like this.

Nick held up his hands.

„Hey, hey, no bullshit this time“, he said and smiled. „I agreed on that. It’s just…I have an appointment.“

Nick gave everyone an innocent look and it felt wrong.

„Come on guys, you can trust me this time,“ he went on and wished he could bite his tongue. His friends considered this for a second and it was Matthew who dismissed him first.

„Whatever. See you then.“

They left, but Morrie fell behind to have one last conversation with his secretive lover.

„If it was something I should know…you’d tell me, right?“

Nick locked gazes with him.

„Of course…don’’t worry. I’ll see you in the evening, okay?“

As an answer they kissed, and then Morrie left.

Nick watched him go, and only the thought of Arthur waiting for him in his hideout kept him from running after Morrie. Soon, the other man was out of sight and Nick went back into the house and struggled up the stairs, not really motivated to do anything. He knew, if he wanted to go back to the tunnel, he had to change his clothes first. 

When he was ready, he still didn’t leave. He remained sitting on his bed, unable to move. Then is gaze fell on his bed stand, for once, and he noticed what was still there, waiting for him to look after it, silently sparkling a little in pale red. The flowers. Arthur said they would last very long if he treated them right, so he should give it a try. When Nick watered them, it was almost like he caressed Arthur. Even if it was obviously stupid, the little flowers made him feel like he was in the room and Nick wouldn’t forgive himself if they died. So there he was, watering a plant like a gardener. But soon he was done, and even if the flowers had reinforced his wish to see Arthur, he hesitated.

He felt awful.

He wondered how he should look Morrie in the eyes again after this. It had been hard enough to tell him such a blatant lie. But unfortunately, sitting around didn’t help either. Now that he told them, he had to leave.

Pondering, he wondered how this beautiful morning a few hours ago had led him to this. Now he felt more miserable than ever. An old habit awoke inside him, asking him if he was looking at all this from the wrong perspective. What if everything was much less bad than he thought? What if he only needed more Joy? Or something stronger than Joy?

He took one of his black pills and weighted it in his hand. He could start with more Joy….

While looking at the seductive pill he remembered something else. Or better, someone. Someone who had promised to be his friend, to help him, when he needed him. Maybe he could really help?

It was still weird, telling this stranger his dirty secrets. But what choice did he have? He needed help, and he couldn’t tell anyone else.

Virgil wasn’t an option, firstly because he didn’t want to be bothered with Nick’s relationships and secondly because Nick didn’t want to create the impression that this new project was in danger, giving Virgil a reason to abandon him once and for all. So what could he do?

After all, whenever he thought about James, he noticed that there was a deeper connection between them. He didn’t know where it came from. Must’ve been developed during one of their meetings and he didn’t pay attention. Anyway, he had the feeling that he could come back to James every time he needed. And he could trust him. It was time to try it out.

Nick but the pill back in his pocket, got up and made his way to the house he vaguely remembered.

It seemed to be ages ago since he last visited him, but if James was sore about it, he didn’t show.

He greeted him with the usual friendliness and Nick, nervous as always when they met, started to speak before he could think twice.

„I have a problem. Or better…two problems.“ Then he paused, stuttered a little before he lost his courage and fell silent.

„I see,“ James said and put a hand on Nick’s shoulder. „Let’s make ourselves comfortable first, then it’ll be much easier to talk.“

Nick followed him, feeling the connection between them through the warm hand that was placed on his shoulder.

In the living room, James offered him a drink, but he refused with the excuse: „I have to stay sober for this.“

James gave him a look that was both understanding and both curious and sat down on the couch with him.

„So..what’s bothering you? Your secret will be safe with me, just as I promised.“

„You know me very well, am I right?“, Nick began helplessly and James lifted his eyebrows.

„It would be stretching a point to claim that I know you better than your dearest friends.“

„But you know the thing you called…my preferences.“

Now James gave him a faint smile.

„You remember my words…“

„Yes.“ Nick sheepishly returned the smile. „My memory is much better now, thanks to you.“

James’ smile widened and for the first time, he looked really happy.

„But now I also remember what a mess I am…“ Nick went on and hung his head, causing James’ smile to fade quickly.

„What happened?“

Nick took his time to consider his words.

„I bet you noticed that things worked out good for me?“

James nodded. „It was a great comeback and I’m happy for you.“

Suddenly, Nick was curious.

„Were you there?“

„Well, I couldn’t miss out on this.“

A cold shiver ran down Nick’s spine when he realized he must’ve seen what happened at the end of the concert. 

As if James had noticed, he continued to speak: „What I saw only confirmed me that I chose the right one.“ 

He sounded benevolent.

„So, what’s darkening your hopes?“

„Oh, where do I begin?“, Nick sighted

He noticed his hands were sweaty and he meekly wiped them dry on his pants.

„Perhaps we start with the basics: is it a complex problem, or a simple one?,“ James helped him out.

„It’s rather complex.“

„Then it might help you to describe it at length. How did it start? Does it belong to your past, perhaps to your childhood? Of course what you’re telling me is entirely your own choice.“

„Well…it really started in the past…The reason why I got my old friends back is one of them. Morrie Memento…my pianist…I mean he’s not only that…we go back a long way…we met in school. We’ve been a pair for years and I still love him. But somehow I ruined it and we broke up. Then I started my solo career and forgot about my old band, even Morrie sometimes…I still hate myself for that…“ Nick gulped and waited for James to judge him. But the other man remained silent, only gave him a mindful look.

„Anyway, we met again a few days ago and he’s willing to give me another chance. He brought the band back together too…it’s almost like the old days. I should be happy, and I bet I would be, if only…wait no! I didn’t mean it like that…“ Nick eagerly shook his head and huddled up.

„It’s alright, Nick“, James assured him, his soft voice broke through Nick’s panic. „Don’t worry about the way you say it. Just listen to your feelings.“

With his help Nick recovered himself and said quietly: „I’ve met someone…before I saw Morrie again…It was completely random and I was so lucky because he saved my life.“

James’ eyes widened a bit.

„It’s true. I was so high, I would’ve killed myself by accident but he stopped me. From this day on…I was attached to him. I had no idea if he returned my feelings but I stayed close to him, just to take my chance. But before anything started, I saw him with another girl and I thought that’s it. Of course I wanted Morrie back when I met him. I made an effort to win him over again, I promised to abandon my…preferences. I really thought there’s only the two of us. But he came back…he didn’t love that girl, it was all a misunderstanding. We’ve met again and…he loves me.“

Nick looked up to James with a desperate look in his eyes. 

„What am I to do?“

James, who had hung on Nick’s every word by now, stirred, crossed his legs.

„You could reject him. Tell him that you’re taken. Or otherwise, choose him.“

Nick closed his eyes. He had feared to get such an advise.

„I can’t refuse any of them,“ he whimpered and shook his head again.

„You mean, you love both the same way?“

„Yes…don’t you believe me?“

„Well, we can balance one against the other. Maybe we discover something you couldn’t see alone.“

„Oh…okay…“ Nick wiggled about on the couch. „How does that work?“

„Let’s begin with Morrie. You said you feel guilty because you divorced and you pursued your own goals. And he’s the reason for your new success, at least in your opinion. I wonder, could it be that you cling to him because of your guilty feelings? Because you believe you owe this to him?“

„I…what?“

Nick was dumbfounded, then he eagerly shook his head again.

„No, I just love him, that’s all.“

„Imagine you weren’t guilty and you’d be responsible for your success, what would you think of him then?“

Nick had a hard time imagining this. He knew what James was getting at, but in this case he didn’t know how he could done it all by himself, without any help. It was a part of Morrie’s personality, that he solved problems, and it was part of Nick’s, that he caused them. That’s how it was and how it would be.

„Okay…If I managed to do this trick somehow…“ he said and wiped his forehead, „then there are still so many other things he did for me.“

„And when you leave them out too?“

„He wouldn’t be himself anymore. He’d be his evil twin brother.“

They locked gazes for a second, then they broke out in laughter.

When they calmed down again, James went on: „Let’s try to look at it from another perspective. What did you do for him?“

Nick furrowed his brows. 

„I guess…not that much. What a poor record.“

„Are you sure, or do you rather want to see you like that?“

„What do you mean?“

„It’s remarkable. In your opinion, everything is your fault.“

„Because it’s true!“, Nick flared up.

James remained unimpressed.

„Perhaps you don’t remember it right. Or you blocked it out…What if you you like to be guilty?“

„Now hang on a minute!“ Nick was upset.

James lifted his eyebrows.

„No?“

„No, I don’t like it one bit! And it’s new to me, too! I’m just starting to realize what I was really doing all these years!“

Nick made a pause to search for the right words, and he calmed down a bit while thinking.

„In the past I simply did what wanted. I wasn’t that bad at the beginning, and I never thought about where it could lead me. Morrie was the first one who made me change a bit…but I wasn’t really…consistent. Perhaps it’s unbelievable that one person alone could make so many mistakes but that’s how it is.“

James didn’t give up.

„Did Morrie mention it? Did he make you feel guilty and forced you to take him back?“

„No, no, no, you got it all wrong! I was the one who pleaded for another chance! I wanted him back at any cost! And now I betray him…“ 

Nick’s voice broke and he stared at the ground with watery eyes.

„Don’t judge yourself to soon, Nick. We should examine that first,“ James said softly. „I’m sure that you have a good reason for everything you do, despite all your self-doubts.“

Nick took a deep breath, feeling his anger fade away. Seconds ago, he was about to punch this guy in the face but now he began to understand that he was trying to comfort him. And it felt good. Somehow James knew exactly what he needed, before he noticed it himself. When he looked back at James, he was ready to continue.

„So..you’ve met someone at random, and you believe he saved your life.“

„It’s true, you can take my word for it. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. In a way he’s also responsible for my comeback.“

„If so, I owe him too,“ James said and smiled.

Nick gave him a surprised look, then he returned the smile.

„His name is Arthur, by the way,“ he told James. He had been uncomfortable about revealing the name, because it had been in the press and all. But he had the feeling he could trust James with this too. James however didn’t ask further questions about Arthur’s identity.

„Do you feel obliged to stay with him even though it affects your relationship with Morrie?“

Nick thought about it.

„I feel obliged, but for another reason. He needs me…“ Nick paused. „James, this is just between us, right?“

„Of course.“

„He…doesn’t feel good.“

Nick watched James’ reaction, and the other man didn’t look disgusted at all, just like he didn’t when they first met and Nick himself was in a bad state. Of anything, he seemed to be rather understanding.

„So…you comfort him?“

„Yes,“ Nick admitted. „You see why I can’t abandon him like that.“

„But why does he need you, out of all?,“ James returned skeptically.

„Because he has no one else but me.“

„Does he know you?“, James asked cryptically.

„Sure, who doesn’t?“, Nick shrugged.

Then he understood.

„Alright, he’s a fan, but wait!“, Nick raised his hands as if he had to defend Arthur. „He’s not like the others! He really cares about me.“

„Did he force you to sleep with him?“

Nick stared at James who kept a straight face. Then he thought about the offering, that normally was an obvious request.  Arthur however had only wanted to meet him again.

„He didn’t force me into anything. He didn’t want to be alone, so he asked me to meet him. He’s really careful.“

„Do you stay because you pity him?“

„Of course I pity him, but that’s not the only reason…I miss him already. He’s waiting for me…but I didn’t dare to go. I don’t know what to do.“

Nick hugged himself in frustration, James instead leaned back and relaxed.

„Looks like no one is inferior to the other,“ he concluded. „You know, in the end, what really counts is you own will.“

„But my will is like chalk and cheese!“ Nick slapped his forehead. „I want them both, but I know that they don’t want to share me with someone else!“

„Maybe it helps to imagine what would happen if you refused one of them. What if you refused Arthur?“

„He’d be shattered. Perhaps he’d hurt himself. I can’t risk that!“

Nick shivered.

„And if you refused Morrie?“

„I can’t!“, Nick blurted out. „It won’t even work, we’d see each other every day, or I’d have to kick him out of the band. Or he’d have to leave himself…I don’t want any of that!“

„I see it’s a very convenient relationship,“ James stated.

„Uhm…what?“

„I mean, if you chose Arthur, you’d have nothing.“

Nick silenced for a while.

„I’d have him.“

He sighted deeply.

„They are both wonderful. Why do I have to make a choice? Why do I have to let one go?“

„Please don’t take it the wrong way, but I wonder if any of them can give you what you really want.“

Nick gave him a confused stare.

„Don’t you enjoy your freedom? Don’t you like to live without any pressure or guilt, without being bound to someone who wants to keep you in chains?“

Nick’s head was spinning. Whatever James did to him, he felt like he was falling, and whatever he would grab to save himself, it would be a fatal decision for someone else.

„I lost Morrie this way…“, he said helplessly.

„And you could lose Arthur too,“ James added without mercy. There was something dark in his tone now and Nick could barely turn his gaze away from him.

„Again, I mean no offense. I have to ask all these questions, simply because you never thought about them before.“

„I’m not offended…“, Nick answered quietly and straightened himself a little. He noticed had been sitting in a cramped position all the time. Also James stretched himself.

„Alright, I think I tortured you enough for one day,“ he stated. Then he reached out for Nick and put a hand on his arm. His silver masked face was close to Nick’s when he said: „Go to Arthur, if he needs you. See Morrie too. But think about what you really want from time to time, and come back to me if you need to talk. You’re always welcome here.“

„Thank you, James…“, Nick whispered, still a bit confused. Then he got up.

[jae-canikeepyou]

| just say it | j.jh

pairing: jaehyun x fem!reader genre: fluff a/n: this ain’t proof read since i wrote this at 2am. so there could be ugly grammar down there hahaha. enjoy reading! ^^

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“y/n! sejeong!” yewon called from the table at the very back of the cafeteria. “over here!”

with tray in both hands, you hurriedly walked to your group of friends. “sorry y’all had to wait. this girl slept through literature.” you rolled your eyes.

“when did she never.” chaeyoung laughed as she pinched sejeong’s half-awake state.

not long since you arrived the cafeteria, screams were heard; and it seemed like it grew louder as number of girls followed the campus’ radio djs: jaehyun and johnny.

“here they come.” sejeong giggled.

“the ritual everyday.” yewon rested her chin.

the two lads walked towards your table, jaehyun had his hands in his bag before pulling something out of it. “a box of yakult for you.”

“aw thanks jung.” you grabbed the product. “you remembered.”

“yeah, why would i forget when my phone’s buzzing with your messages every two minutes?” he scoffed, yet his pearly whites were seen. “idiot. see you.”

“well someone’s gotta remind you.” you stuck out your tongue. “later.”

the girls witnessed the short conversation exchanged between you and jaehyun. they nudged each other as you waved to the boys. “spill the beans y/n.”

“what?” you asked in disbelief, you rolled your eyes, realizing where this was going. “there’s nothing to spill. i swear this is like the hundredth time y’all asked me.”

“because we’re not convinced no matter how close of a relationship you have with ‘jung’.” sejeong said, emphasizing on the name, she finally awoke from her sleepy state.

“like i said, my family and his are business partners. so it kind of stuck to me to call him that.” you shrugged. “it’ll be awkward for me to suddenly call him by his name.”

true enough you and jaehyun have known each other since you were four. he often played at your house whether there were meetings to be held between your father and his. but you both grew close when you had to help the kid when he got stuck on a tire swing or had to calm him down whenever his parents dropped him at the daycare you both attended. who knew a crybaby would would to be a heartthrob. you didn’t see that coming.

at elementary and high school, you would go to the campus together. every single day. it wasn’t that you both wanted it. your mothers seemed to like it better as both of your fathers have been going onto business trips frequently. they probably thought it would be best if it applied to your school life. ‘mothers have the final say’, as it was said.

definitely there were misunderstandings that maybe you both lived in the same roof or had a special relationship. worse fact; engaged. that all cleared out when jaehyun had to stop the rumors because it was getting uncomfortable. and seriously speaking, his so-called fanbase at basketball would follow you everywhere. gladly though, you weren’t once ganged up, yet.

“‘nothing more to that’.” sejeong mimicked your words. “just admit you like him already. maybe by then you can call him ‘jaehyun.’”

you slapped her with a tissue that was placed on your side, afraid that others may hear her. “do you know how much our relationship will change if i confessed?” you hissed.

“okay stupid, you just did.” yewon laughed, her hands grabbed onto chaeyoung’s tee. you hit your lips several times, giving out tiny tantrums.

jaehyun sat on the table across from yours, giving hi-5s to the rest of his friends. his eyes were still on you and smiled when the little whiskers on your face slowly appeared. johnny took notice of the boy with a slight pink tint on the top half of his ears. “funny how y/n’s the only person who calls you ‘jung.’”

“why does she call you by your surname?” mark asked the older one.

“it’s a childhood thing. initially i thought she does it on purpose but i guess it became the norm for her.” jaehyun munched onto the roasted beef slices.

“never once you wanted her to at least say your name?” yuta teased the lad.

jaehyun only kept silent, leaving the others hanging.

“tell you what. jaehyun and y/n known each other since they were four, and y/n never called him by his name.” johnny elbowed the blonde hair boy, who clearly was interested at jaehyun’s story.

“no way. that’s insane!” mark laughed with his knuckles slightly covering his lips. “i’m really sure she’s choosing to not call you by your name. there’s definitely a reason for it bro.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you waited for jaehyun at the glasshouse located at the garden, where he would teach you science. it was a kind of a pact and promise you both did since you failed the last quiz. jaehyun thought it was only fine to teach you. and you on the other hand? it wasn’t.

the thing was, jaehyun rarely tutored anyone. he usually studied alone or with his friends. by the time you entered university, little did you know his fanbase from high school still existed. however, uni life became worse. jaehyun was offered to be the campus’ radio dj along with johnny. that meant another fanbase. two fanbases combined meant trouble.

it also meant double trouble.

they knew you were hung out with their ‘beloved’ most of the time. their aim? it was to drive you out of the picture. last month, you thought the study session at the library was supposed to be quiet, but with jaehyun in it, it wasn’t. in the end, the librarian had to ask jaehyun to move elsewhere— you somehow got dragged too.

you flipped over the pages of your literature notebook. the columns indicating the weekly journals you have to finish. “agh, there’s never an end to writing about symbolism.” you complained, slopping yourself onto the table.

“and there’s never an end to your tantrums.” jaehyun appeared and sat beside you, grabbing the novel you were reading.

“ha ha. that’s funny. shall i applaud for you?” you brought your hands together to clap.

“sarcasm is something you’ll never succeed at.” jaehyun stuck out his tongue. dimples formed slowly until they became evident.

“should i give you an a+ for bluntness?” you rolled your eyes. he did the same, hitting your head with your novel.

“let’s just start.” he took out the folders and laptop for possible researches.

a few hours have passed and while you were focused on the journal writings, he stumbled upon an old picture of the both of you. a little y/n and jaehyun on a seesaw. memories seemed to attack him with nostalgia. he scrolled down several columns you have sent him from your albums.

there was one of his favorites; you and him in front of a pillow fort, except you cried because he destroyed yours. jaehyun didn’t realize he was giggling quite at a volume, making you look his way. “i thought you were studying, jung.”

“i am, but this pic just cracks me up so much. look at you all snotty and red.” he held back his laughs.

“can’t concentrate you know.” you sighed as you went back to studying.

“how about a fast quiz on what we studied? it’s been a few hours since we started.” he turned to you.

“fine.” you grabbed your file. “have to answer quickly right?”

“mhm. i’ll start, but i’ll ask you random subjects.” he tapped his chin.

“just get on with it!” you hit him lightly.

“choline is also known as?”

“vitamin j.”

“what’s the name of the third book of the hunger games?”

“mockingjay.”

“what bird has the ability to memorize and repeat a conversation?”

“jabberjay.”

“first initial of harry potter series’ author?”

“j.”

it was weird. jaehyun asked questions that covered nothing of what you have studied. sure they were literature and science related but he was not doing what he was supposed to do.

“look i don’t-” you were cut off.

“y/n, by what nickname does my parents call me?” his chocolate eyes stared into yours.

oh crap.. you had such a late realization. you fell for his motive.

your heart beat doubled. “..j-”

“what? i can’t hear you.” jaehyun singsonged, clearly teasing you.

your breathing fastened. “ja-”

“hm?” he asked.

“it’s.. ‘jae’...” you lowered your head as you tried to hide the fact you were embarrassed.

“you finally said my name.” his voice softened. you felt his fingertips onto your chin, bringing them up to the same level as his eyes. he was happy that you called him by his name. “and by the way you’re blushing.”

“s-so what if i am?” you covered your face but he grabbed hold of your arm.

“that’s okay.” he smiled like he saw cherry blossom bloom at spring. “y/n look at me.”

“i can’t.” you insisted. “i might pass out if i do.”

“i might do the same.” he cleared his throat.

“what?”

his words caught you off guard. you took a glimpse of jaehyun. oh man your eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing.

he was red as a tomato.

“took you long enough.” jaehyun ruffled your hair in a mess. “i think you know what this means.” he pointed at his tinted ears.

“you ate spicy food?” you questioned, only to be hit on the head again. “ow.”

“idiot. i like you.”

“ah..ahaha.” you chuckled because you didn’t know what to say now that your crush liked you back. “since... when?”

“since i destroyed your pillow fort.” he fiddled with his fingers. 

“oh..” girl you’d be lying if you didn’t say you were in cloud nine. “i’ve always liked you too..?”

the smile on his face will probably be something that will stay on your mind for a while. his heart seemed to act on his own, and his body just followed.

jaehyun was getting closer.

actually, too close.

then,

there was warmth on your lips.

he let go of the nape of your neck, as his large hands held yours.

“so, should i get an a+ for getting the girl?” jaehyun smirked, the usual expression to tease you.

“i really don’t know why i’m in love with you.”

[kamekamelea]

Homework and hobbies for the prompt list???

the one where Jake gets a warrant that Pilsners are boring indeed

#34. Hobbies from this kids prompt list

This is far from my best work (sorry about that *hides*) but even though the idea was clear in my head from the moment I saw this request the words just wouldn’t form and this one has been in my inbox for so long I had to get it out of my system. Hope you enjoy it anyway, Anon! :) Thank you for sending the prompt 💕 it turned out silly but I like it :D

Thank you so much @cheddar-the-dog for beta-reading and your words of encouragement 💖💖 

Special thanks go to @rosalitadiazz and @vernonfielding for being my information sources on this one, your help is very much appreciated! :D 💕 

read on ao3

“Isn’t it weird our 17-year-old son is spending his Saturday with his Nana?”  

Jake asks his wife one day, getting suspicions after few weeks of Atlas staying all afternoons at Karen’s on work days (Amy responds that she finds it endearing, and hopes her own future grandchildren spend so much time with her when they’re teenagers). Jake’s totally aware of his son’s special bond with his Mum and is very grateful for it but still, call it 6th sense or work-related bias after so many years being a cop, he can’t help but feel something is off.  

Sure, Atlas and Karen’s bond is truly special, especially given the fact that he’s a teenager and kids his age are not mostly known for spending an awful lot of their afternoons with their Nana. But they have just so much in common, Karen being the only competent person supporting his love for cooking and helping him with developing his skills making with him all kinds of weird foods only Uncle Charles seems to enjoy.  

(At a very early stage of his life it turned out cooking is Atlas’ passion and since his parents aren’t very talented in that area, it was Jake’s mum who’s helped Atlas to discover his skills. As he grew older, he started making more sophisticated dishes, he learned to bake and make all sorts of pickled vegetables. He even made some jams one summer and the amount of jars full of sweet substance was so enormous, the whole family still has their pantry packed with it, even after a giveaway to the whole Nine-Nine squad). And his Nana was there throughout it all - such victories as the first batch of well-done pierogis for Mother’s Day one year, or a 5-level birthday cake for Jake. But she was there for the failures as well, like when a whole box with jars of pickled beetroots gone bad and Atlas, being a sensitive boy, cried all afternoon because of it.)  

Eventually, Jake convinces his wife to visit Karen later that day. “What do you say we pay my mum a surprise visit this afternoon?” To which suggestion she agrees eagerly, realizing Karen might appreciate them doing groceries for her.  

Jake knows he’s been right seeing the unpleasant surprise on his Mum’s face the moment she opens the door, seeing him at her porch with bags in his hands. 

“Jake?” Karen’s bewilderment, showing in her eyes being wide, is priceless.  

Busted.  

“Hello Karen!” a muffled shout comes from his car, where Amy is picking up the rest of the groceries they got for her. Conspiracy visit or not, his mum still is an old lady, who needs help with basic chores (even though she has a hard time admitting it).  

Jake gives his - still a bit in shock - mum a quick kiss on the cheek and heads straight to the kitchen, for one to leave the bags there and for two to get over with this mission on catching his son red-handed as soon as possible.  

The problem is, the kitchen is empty.  

“Amy, my love, Jake - would you like a cup of coffee? And cake?”  

“Oh, yes please!” his wife obliviousness of the situation really taking place (Karen trying to distract him from finding his son) is annoying, but Jake couldn’t clue Amy in, because she’d call him obsessive and would made an awful lot fun of him.  

“Mum, where’s Atlas?”  

He goes past her, ignoring her attempts to distract him from going further the hallway (while Amy’s still blissfully unaware of her husband and mother-in-law’s game, cheerfully asking about Karen’s well being).  

There’s no sign of Atlas all over Jake’s childhood’s house so the only place left for Sergeant Peralta to look for is the garage. And that’s where he finds his one and only son doing a thing he would never accuse him of, startling Jake and filling his heart with horror, simultaneously shattering it to pieces.  

HIS SON IS BREWING BEER.  

For a moment Jake thinks he’s having a heart attack, his legs suddenly too weak to hold him and Amy seeing him in that state rushes to his side and only then she notices the source of her husband’s sudden deterioration. There is a million thoughts going through her mind but there is one that is especially loud ‘HE’S UNDERAGE, HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK ALCOHOL NOT TO MENTION MAKING IT’ but also a quiet one ‘How did my son turn into my boring ex-boyfriend?’ .   

She orders her son to go straight to the car and as Jake starts to feel better they all go home in a suffocating silence. Jake feels heartbroken seeing that his son shares a passion with his wife’s ex-boyfriend (especially when only last month Atlas confessed to him that “only the first Die Hard movie is good, Dad”) and doesn’t utter one word even when his wife makes a long and loud lecture to their son once they arrive at Santiago-Peralta household. In the spur of the moment she bans Atlas from making any more alcohol which results in Atlas shutting himself in his room for the rest of the evening.  

Mr. and Mrs. Santiago-Peralta spend the rest of the day questioning all their parenting choices, wondering when did they put him on this road to being a boring person. Especially Jake can’t see a moment when everything went wrong - his son has made so many explicit “Title of your sex tape” jokes ever since he was 13, he and Ana team up every year for a Halloween Heist, not failing to fool their old parents for 3 years straight now and they go together to the waterpark every year (just the two of them, some quality father-son time) -in Jake’s eyes Atlas is the most fun person he knows (but don’t tell Amy that).  

Their self-pity party gets interrupted by their 22-year-old daughter Ana, who enters demanding answers as to why everyone is acting so weird today. After telling her the whole story of the staggering discovery at Nana’s, she tells them how Atlas has been afraid to tell them about his new hobby for the longest time, knowing of their weird prejudice towards beers that are not Blue Moon (or Corona if they feel fancy).  

(Actually it was Ana herself, gutted by her parents taste in beers, who convinced them shortly after her 21st birthday - discovering there is more to adult alcohol-drinking-life than the cheapest beers in her parents’ fridge - to switch to Dos Equis (her personal favourite), so that the policy of ‘not drinking anything that doesn’t taste like piss’ is no longer on the table. Their resentment towards trying anything new beer-related was obvious and weird to their kids even.)  

Ana’s revelation actually makes them even more sad - to know their son kept a secret from them, being anxious of their reaction feels like a true parenting failure for the Santiago-Peralta couple. Sure, their interaction with Teddy has been traumatic for the both of them, the memory of it still giving Amy a Pilsner-TSD. But they see now so clearly it should have never influenced their behaviour towards their son.  

“He has foreseen you might react this way so he decided to keep his mouth shut. And Nana was his partner in crime because she’s just the best, obviously.” 

And they reacted in the worst way possible. Especially Amy seems to have huge regrets regarding her outburst.  

She has tears in her eyes, cursing herself for being so harsh before, and she’s overcome with the strongest urge to just hug her son and never let go (well she has this urge constantly from the second he was born but sometimes this need gets just unbearable just like in this moment) so she sprints to his room, apologizing and hugging him until he’s all abashed from the sudden affection coming from his mother ( “It’s okay Mum, I’m not even angry anymore. Could you let go, I can’t feel the half of my body, you’re crushing me.”).  

“We owe you an apology, Atlas. We should have trusted you with this instead of being so close-minded when it comes to beer.” Once Amy finally lets her son breath again, loosening her grip on him, Jake takes a seat next to him.  

“Where is your animosity towards beer coming from anyway?” Their son’s question catches them off guard and there’s no way for them to hide it, as they start to mumble incoherent excuses.  

“It’s... just that at one point your Mum was really sick of it.”  

“Title of your sex tape, Dad!”  

After Jake high-fives his son and his wife rolls her eyes with a fond smile forming on her lips, they make a promise to Atlas to never ever react that way to anything happening in his life and he assures them he will not drink his own beer (Jake doesn’t believe this promise for a second but Amy seems to be satisfied with his answer). As Amy makes a move to leave, Jake stalls, almost insecure and tries to make an attempt to fix what once was an unbreakable bond with his son (before he stabbed his back with the Die Hard confession and start this new “a-lot-like-Teddy” hobby) asking him about his new interest.  

(Of course he’s being overly dramatic - such a silly thing would never jeopardize his relationship with Atlas. Still, Jake can’t help but feel a bit left out, jealous even, of not sharing Teddy’s knowledge of beers so that he can impress his son and engage in this new passion of his.)  

“So, what is it you’re brewing there, buddy? Some good ol’ pilsners?” Jake’s knowledge about beers is really limited and he has never even tried expanding it, what he mildly regrets right now.  

“Pilsners, Dad? Really? Who do you think I am? Some old, boring Czech guy? Pilsners are like the worst type of beers! There’s nothing fun about them. They’re BORING. I brew Ales and sometime Weizenbiers but NEVER Pilsners!” 

His son is so indignant and almost offended Jake would think he has anything to do with THE MOST BORING type of beer his heart warms and he becomes overwhelmed with a wave of affection towards his son, resulting in him grabbing Atlas' round face in his palms and planting a very manly kiss on his forehead. They spend most of Sunday talking about Atlas’ new hobby (Jake actually learning a lot of new and surprisingly interesting facts about beer brewing).  

(Jake’s the first person honored to taste the first sip of next batch of Atlas’ beer and is pleasantly surprised finding out he actually likes it. When he pats his son on the back, showing his appreciation, a giant beam appears on Atlas’ face, the one, as Amy says, that makes him look exactly like his father.)  

[spiffysixxsense]

Hello annoying best friend here to fulfill my duty by asking you to answer all of the cute asks

angel; do you have a nickname?

not really. my name is already short and I don't have a prominent quality to nickname me after. The only person who refers to me as anything other than my name is my boyfriend, but I don't think “babe/baby” really counts as a nickname lol

awe; how old are you?

24

baby; favorite color?

dark teal (blue-green? I've never found a good name for my favorite color)

bloop; spirit animal?

so because I didn't have a good answer for this, I decided to google a quiz to find out, lol. My answer was a deer. here's why;

When you have the deer as spirit animal, you are highly sensitive and have a strong intuition. By affinity with this animal, you have the power to deal with challenges with grace. You master the art of being both determined and gentle in your approach.

The deer totem wisdom imparts those with a special connection with this animal with the ability to be vigilant, move quickly, and trust their instincts to get out the trickiest situations

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

i don't really have a favorite book, i don't read much outside of school (I wish i did)

movie: A Beautiful Mind

song: oh dear lord i cannot pick just one, but all-time favorite band of mine is Shinedown

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

a little stuffed dog that looked like Kipper from the TV show, I still have him :)

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

lmao what came to mind was when i pledged to never drink, smoke, or say bad words. two out of fucking three ain't bad i guess. 

bright; mermaids or fairies?

(honestly neither but) fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

given the asker, i would say yes :) also i am lame and my boyfriend is also my best friend 

buttercup; showers or baths?

S H O W E R S. hate baths!

butterfly; dream destination?

I've never had a huge desire to travel honestly. like sure i could say Italy or Greece look beautiful, but the actual act of traveling overseas really stresses me out lol. so i would have to say more like upper midwest, like Maine, in the fall time for all the pretty trees.

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

i am neither

calm; favorite scent?

anything fruity - pineapple, mango, berries, apples. at least in terms of what candles i like lol.

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i do not remember anything from last night - the last dream i remember involved my boyfriend, dad and i being lost up north lol

charming; have you ever been in love?

currently 

cozy; eye/hair color?

hazel / brunette 

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the 1970′s for the fashion

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

love me a good succulent

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

well this last birthday was amidst quarantine, so I got some candles and granola (my boyfriend knows me well lol)

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

i have no idea? what an odd question? probably some stuffed animal?

cutsie; what makes you happy?

picnics, alone time, my boyfriend, my cat choosing to cuddle with me.

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

I really cant think of a time I've ever felt truly free. maybe when i drove myself to school earlier this year & didn't have to wait for someone to pick me up? 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

as a light in others lives. happy, bubbly. things i currently am not

daylight; favorite album of all time?

gosh these dang music questions. well, Nickelback - All the Right Reasons was the first album i ever bought myself. then maybe Shinedown - The Sound of Madness (i cant pick one OKAY)

dear; zodiac sign?

Taurus 

delightful; concerts or museums?

concerts

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes? this question makes me feel old, lol. 

dobby; dream job?

criminologist. some way to be reducing the mass incarceration rate in the US. 

doll; how do you like to dress?

comfy, v necks and leggings. As i have gotten older i have slowly wanted to be more feminine i think, because i really want some sundresses for summer lol

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

one! when i was 12ish, i swear i saw a reflection of a uniformed man (like old school soldier uniform - blue blazer with gold cufflinks) behind me in the glass of my snakes tank at the time. it was weird because the only reason i even looked that way was because my snake started shaking his tail against the glass, something that corn snakes do when they are scared, but also something that in his entire life had never done unprompted ever. 

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

want yes, have no

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

100%. no way we are alone in this universe

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

he makes my days so much better :)

fairy; do you have a pet?

I have one little old kitty :)

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

to vacation, ocean. to live, mountain

forever; where do you feel time stop?

the secretary of state? lol

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

I've never owned a plant lol

garden; how many languages do you know?

one :(

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

@cy-ne-fin 

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

sepia photography/old books that have yellowed into sepia. or fresh greenery on white marble. 

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

i don't really get any anymore, but as long as they are nice or just questions/venting, im down. don't be offended if i never answer though, for some reason i never get Tumblr notifications lol

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

im compassionate

im empathetic (which is similar but im struggling to get to 5 lol)

im goal-oriented

im determined (once i have said goal. again, related lol) 

i guess i like my lips/lip shape

heart; silk or lace?

lace

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

tea. iced, black or green really, with sugar. 

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

bird watching because it means i am probably alone and in nature as opposed to somewhere in a crowd of people. and i wont feel creepy for watching the birds lol

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

white noise, a fan running. if that's not enough, i enjoy asmr. if i am really struggling/having anxiety, i will look up sleep stories from the headspace app on youtube (life hack to not have to pay for the app lol)

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

to be outside, i enjoy just warm enough to be comfy in pants and a t-shirt (so like 65F-ish) and sunny.To be inside, i love when it is cooler (like 50F?) and raining. I love the look, sound, and smell of rain but it is usually just inconvenient to be in. 

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

well now all days are the same for me, #quarantine, so the same thing i do every day, just about nothing, lol

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i guess laugh loudly because i am a loud person in general. i have a deep voice

kinky; do you blush easily?

i don't think so, my embarrassment turns into sweat, not blush, lmao

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

i guess being proposed to someday? but i don't have a certain dream way of it happening, just the fact that its happening is enough for me lol. id enjoy if someone (cough Elle or also maybe Michael lol) were secretly filming and/or taking photos of it? I am not sure how you'd manage that though

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

late at night when everything is quiet

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

old school three days grace (one-x album in particular)

love; what is your favorite season and why?

i always gravitate to fall for the leaves and pumpkin patches. but honestly, i think my favorite season is spring. i love the newly budding trees and flowers, the feeling of renewal, the release from the horrible Michigan winter lol, but most importantly, spring time for my whole life as of yet has always meant that school is over for the semester! as opposed to the fall when the semester starts. this is very long winded but spring final answer lol

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

I've never had a macaron and blue moon ice cream 

magic; what are five flaws you have?

ooooo boy

im short tempered/angry too much 

im unmotivated (which is confusing maybe because i said i am determined earlier. you see, once i HAVE a goal i feel determined to finish it. but i am unmotivated to create said goals, lol) 

im nonconfrontational to a fault where i always put others’ feelings before my own

i let fear of change stop me from ever taking risks/ am anxious

i am stubborn and sometimes have a hard time admitting i am wrong

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

this depends - screw pastels. warm neutrals for makeup purposes, but cool darks for aesthetic or decor purposes

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

someone who feels like home. I am not entirely sure how else to explain that. you just feel peace and content with them. 

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

something that allows you to only be with your date - so like a picnic or hike or just a walk even. my boyfriend and i liked to walk around in the fall for me to take pictures of leaves while he played pokemon go (man i miss the pokemon go summer and i have never even PLAYED it, it was just so fun to be with him while he played)

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

on youtube usually

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. if your family is toxic for whatever reason, you do not owe them your time strictly because they are family. 

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook, im not super into sweets & i want to enjoy the final product

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

normal? like its legible but its not pretty or cute

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

no:( wish i could play bass or drums

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

i don't :)

i really don't have an answer other than solving whatever is stressing me out, lol. i wish i had more mechanisms to calm me down but nothing i have tried has ever really worked

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

you know these favorites questions are hard for me lol. right now, i am loving watermelon, but i also love most fruits. kiwis! vegetable, i feel like i have to say potato lol

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

lol the last thing i read had to be some academic text, so that's boring

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

meeting Alex i guess, it changes my whole life path to have someone you want to do life with 

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

quarantine? lol

shine; art or music?

music is art.

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

i think so. Elle’s dog griffin loves me for some reason lol

smitten; do you collect anything?

not really

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

4

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

jolly ranchers 

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

nope

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

nope

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

Spongebob probably. unless we are talking like really tiny, toddler age, then Winnie the pooh

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

i live in a 2 bedroom apartment, there arent any spots. lol. my bed i guess

soothe; digital or vinyl?

i mean digital for convenience but vinyl for aesthetic 

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

i mean the only person i really actively miss ever is Alex. @cy-ne-fin sometimes, but i have also grown used to living away from each other

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyalty, honesty, & humor

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

if i must pick, practical. 

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

absolutely not. i feel like a burden with my feelings even though i shouldn't 

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

honestly not really. am on the fence still about ever having any 

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

not really

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

i am as average as they come man, nothing is unique about me lol

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

like a background friend? like i am not very social, so we do not have to talk every day to be friends. so like im here if you need me, but i enjoy alone time. 

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

the way my boyfriend looks at me, & as i was working on this my cat came to cuddle, which i gave as an answer earlier before he jumped up here :)

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owlllllll

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

the power to heal those who are hurting (including myself)

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home home home home

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

not anymore, i did in high school/early college years. not I've stopped caring

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

messy? kinda in the middle really. 

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

my state, sure. my city in particular is definitely pretty boring

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

I've never seen one :(

[childofthenight2035]

Letters To Who You Were

A/N: This is a Chan fic that I thought of writing for a helluva time now, so enjoy! Don’t forget to check out my masterlist! Unrequested

Pairing: Bang Chan x gn!Reader

Summary/Prompt: You receive letters from someone you’re sure you don’t know.

Genre: Angst, Confusion, Time travel, Fluff(?)

Word Count: 12.6k

Warnings: Mentions of death, depression

-

Bloody Mondays. You hated them.

Chucking the alarm across the room and satisfying yourself with the sound of the battery falling out, you heaved yourself onto your elbows, staring at the pillow groggily.

“Why?” you whined, throwing off the covers and sitting up.

You squinted at the curtains, knowing the sky was too dark to get up, but you had to. You had class. Anthropology of all things. Eight o’clock. Ugh. You loved the subject, but not at six in the morning.

Your bus was at four past seven. You needed to get the heck up.

After a quick shower and a banana, you stumbled out of the apartment, still pulling your shoes on. You set your foot down and realized that you were not, in fact, standing on the cement floor of the landing. You were standing on something else. Paper. A couple envelopes lay under your shoe. Cursing, you bent down to retrieve them and continued your dash to the bus stop.

You managed to catch the bus, after all. Quite the day’s work.

Huffing, out of breath, you collapsed into a window seat towards the middle of the bus. The letters were still clutched in your hand. Flipping them over, you observed what was written on the front. One had the stamp of the Water Authorities on it. Clearly your water bill. You didn’t even want to know. Stuffing it into your backpack, you focused on the other one. It wasn’t official. Your address was handwritten on it. No sender’s name. No return address on the envelope. Hm.

You tore it open. In (somewhat) neat handwriting, was a letter. Addressed to you.

Y/N,

You’ve probably forgotten me. But you’ll remember—through these letters.

 What the heck? You’ve probably forgotten this person? Childhood friend? Okay…

 We’ve been through so much in the year that we were together. It seems like only yesterday. It’s already been a year but I don’t think that I could ever forget you. Not the way you sleep with your limbs splayed out like a starfish; not the way your eyes crinkle when you smile; not the way you chew on your bottom lip when you’re nervous. I could never forget all that.

 Whoa. Wait. Smiling and chewing your lip was one thing; but you did sleep like that. Who could possibly know—was this your old roommate or somebody, pranking you? What did they mean, in the year we were together?

 You’ll think I’m crazy. I know. You’ll claim that you don’t know who I am. But I’m not crazy. I’m the sanest person in the room right now.

Have you gotten that raise yet? I may be a little off, but if you haven’t, then I think you’ll get it within the week. It looks like a good week, huh? I know getting an A in your anthropology class isn’t easy. I’m proud of you.

I realize you must be confused now, but I promise you that you’ll understand. Just give me some time, for once. You were always so busy. Is that why we couldn’t make it? Is that why you couldn’t afford a second chance?

Read these letters now. Someday we’ll meet.

Chris

 Hold up. You didn’t know any Chris. Your previous roommate definitely didn’t go by Chris. Maybe Gail, when she was drunk, but Chris? Who’s that? Also, when had you ever gotten an A in anthropology? It wasn’t that easy, especially not for you. And you’ve never gotten a raise yet. What the fuck was going on?

You read the last paragraph again. Just give me some time, for once? Well damn. Ouch. Sorry. Is that why we couldn’t make it? Make it? Make what?

This was going to drive you crazy the whole day, you just knew it.

You slowly closed the letter, troubled. Were your friends pranking you? Was that what this was? Putting it into your bag, you zipped it shut and stared out the window. Youngjae had asked you for your address recently. Hey, maybe that was it! So he was pranking you, huh? Maybe they were all in it together? You relaxed. That’s what it is. Idiots.

…

“Yah, Youngjae.” You plunked a hand onto his desk and pointed at his face. “What do you think you’re playing at?”

His eyebrows disappeared into his bangs, grabbing your finger and twisting it so you squirmed in pain. “What do you think you’re playing at, huh, disrespecting me?”

He let go of your finger and you slid into the seat next to him.

“It’s a weak idea, bro. Come on, why prank someone if they can tell it’s a prank right away?”

He looked confused. “Prank? What prank? On who?”

You tsked. “Come on, man, April Fools’ is months away. Give up.”

He stilled, glancing around like he thought you were crazy and wanted a quick escape. “I honestly don’t have a clue what you’re saying.”

Your smile faltered. “You didn’t send that letter? Or Jisung? Or Minho? Or even Yeji?”

“What letter? Y/N, are you okay?”

You searched his eyes for any sign, his lips for an uncontrolled twitching, his hands for nervous fiddling. Nothing. You silently brought out the letter and showed it to him, crossing your arms and watching for a change of expression as he read it. Nope. Only confusion.

“What the heck is this?” he asked you curiously. “Who’s Chris?”

You slumped. “I thought one of you guys might have sent that as a prank.”

He handed it back to you. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you asked for my address last week!” you defended.

He threw his hands up. “That was for the ad you asked me to put in the campus paper for a roommate!”

“Oh.” You pouted, sitting straight, facing the front of the class. Your anthropology professor hadn’t yet come in, and the students were being loud. As usual.

“And besides,” he added, nudging you in the ribs (‘ow!’), “I wouldn’t go as far as even imply you got an A in anthropology, like, what even—hey!” You swiped his pen from where he was doodling on his notebook.

“You’re being mean.”

“I’m telling the truth. You know it. Give me my pen back.”

“Silence!” A voice boomed. The entire class rushed back to their seats or straightened up or shut their mouths. Youngjae took the chance and stole his pen. Your professor gazed around at all of you, her expression stern and disapproving. “I have your exams graded.” A collective groan sounded around the room. “The overall performance is lower than usual—“ your heart sank, “—but some of you have done better than I thought.” She proceeded to sit at her desk and call out the names. She also had the irritating habit some teachers have of announcing the grade as well. Your heartbeat was already picking up pace.

“Jacob! B, better than I expected, good….Eric! C, you can do better than this….Kevin.” You cringed at her expression, feeling desperately sorry for him. “D. You didn’t open your book at all, did you?”

Four names later, “ Youngjae! A, good work.”

“As usual,” you grumbled, but feeling proud of him nevertheless. He worked for it. You squeezed his arm when he came back to sit with his paper.

“Y/N!” You stood, hearing Youngjae whisper a ‘good luck’. You made your way to the front of the class, heart pounding. Your professor looked up at you and you winced apologetically for the abomination that was your paper. “A.”

What. Wait, what?

“What?” You accidentally blurted out. She smiled thinly.

“Well done. Keep it up.” She handed you your paper and you traipsed back to your seat, your head throbbing, unaware of the eyes on you.

“Oh my gosh you got an A,” Youngjae muttered, seizing your paper and staring at it like he couldn’t believe his ears or his eyes.

“I did. I got an A.” Your voice came out awed, in a hushed tone, drowned out by the sound of your classmates meeting their fates. A particular sentence, scrawled onto paper, read on a moving bus, flashed from your memory banks. You gasped. “ Youngjae!”

Yanking the letter from under your desk, you spread it out on the table. Youngjae understood what you meant just from glancing at it.

It looks like a good week, huh? I know getting an A in your anthropology class isn’t easy. I’m proud of you.

“Whoa.” He was shocked, too, but quickly composed his flow of reason. “Someone saw your grades. That’s the only explanation.”

“It’s still creepy,” you countered, falling silent and putting both papers away as your professor stood to teach. Still weird.

…

“I asked the others if they sent any letter; they didn’t,” Youngjae informed you, huffing as he and Jisung caught up with you on the way to Sociology after his Korean language class. You groaned.

“It’s not my old roommate Jeongyeon either, I called her.” You scratched the back of your neck. “This feels weird! Someone who’s close enough to know how I sleep? To notice me so well that they know how I smile? How I chew on my lip?” You shuddered. “Do I have a stalker? This is scary now. Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Well, someone could know you sleep like that from that pic of all of us sleeping on Minho’s Instagram,” Jisung suggested. “But what if it was a one-time thing? You’re right, I think you have a stalker.”

You grabbed Youngjae’s arm. “Could you stay with me, then? Until I find another roommate?”

“Wait, but what if your new roommate turns out to be your stalker? Oh, that would be epic.” Jisung pressed his hands together and rubbed them.

“Jisung, not helping!”

“Y/N, you know we hostel people aren’t allowed to stay anywhere else without permission unless it’s break,” Youngjae explained patiently. “One night might be okay, but if it’s more than that, they’ll chuck us out and honestly, I don’t think I could afford off-campus housing right now. And my parents wouldn’t like it.”

“I’m technically broke now, so…” Jisung trailed off. “You know my parents aren’t sponsoring me this year since I told them I’m dropping English and taking Music. Until I prove that I’m good at it.”

“I know, I know,” you sighed, regretting having brought it up. “It’s okay. It’s probably just Jeongyeon and she doesn’t want to admit it. But then, how did she know I got an A?”

…

Two days later, you practically flew into your Anthropology class, to find Youngjae.

“Whoa, what happened, calm down!” he exclaimed as you dropped into your seat. “What happened, Y/N?”

You steadied your breathing, a hand on your heaving chest. “I…I got a raise.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Are you serious?” When you nodded, he broke into a smile. “That’s great news! I thought that coffee place never gave anyone raises!” You didn’t react. He faltered, looking at your tense expression. “What’s the matter—oh.” You pursed your lips. He finally remembered. “The letter.”

“How could anyone have known that?” You were chewing on your lip again and Youngjae tapped your chin, reminding you to stop before you tore the skin open.

“Does anyone there know a Chris?”

“The manager’s sister has a son named Chris, I asked. But,” you added quickly so Youngjae wouldn’t overreact, “they live abroad. And how would they know me?”

Youngjae sat back in his chair, thinking. “Hmm. Whoever’s writing it knows English well, but from the seals of the post office, I don’t think it’s international mail.” He waved it away. “Don’t think about that now. Did you put up the flyers in the coffee shop?”

“Yes, sir, I did.” You were grateful. “Thanks for getting Yugyeom to make them for me. Although I guess you should be thanking me for a chance to go to him, huh?”

“What?” he spluttered, smacking your arm. “I said I don’t like him, okay?”

“I know.” You smiled smugly, satisfied at the red blush dusting his cheeks. “You love him.”

…

On Thursday, it happened again.

Your classes were only in the afternoon, so you didn’t rush. But the floor in front of your door presented you with another letter. You brought it in, curiously. You hadn’t thrown away the first letter, even though you had the strangest urge to do so. Instead, you kept it in a box on top of your fridge.

You tore the new letter open. In the same handwriting, it read:

Y/N,

Yesterday was my sister’s wedding. I had no idea that she had invited you, but now that I think of it, I’m not very surprised. She was always fond of you. She took your side even when we fought, did you know that?

I don’t think you saw me. I got one glimpse of you and I ran. I’m a coward. But, did you, perhaps, know somehow that I was there and that I was looking for you? Were you looking for me?

Disgrace. That’s what my mother said to me. That I’m a disgrace. Just because I didn’t have the courage to greet guests and risk you seeing me, just because I can’t stick to something for long, because I’m a loser. And I don’t blame her.

Is it just me? Am I the only one hurting? Seeing you so happy hurts me. It makes me think that this fight isn’t affecting you at all. I can’t help it. I’m selfish.

My sister says that you were so polite and wanted to see me. She says that if only I had come out to talk to you, things would have been alright. Now I wish I had. Maybe I wouldn’t need to write anymore letters if I did.

I wonder if you kept that painting you said your friend gave you on your birthday. And speaking of birthdays, I hope you have a terrific one. You deserve nothing but the best.

It’s difficult. It’s like talking to a person with amnesia. Writing to a person who doesn’t know who’s writing to them is confusing. I know. There are things that I can’t say. But you’re smart. You’ll figure it out eventually.

Chris

 You were beyond confused now. You were thoroughly disturbed. You had not gone to a wedding. You knew no girl whose brother was called Chris. You had not received any painting for your birthday. It was next week, so maybe you would? But how would Chris know that? If he even was called Chris?

Beyond all that, what scared you was that you felt this. You could feel the hurt in it. You could feel it as if it was…your own.

The words that called himself a loser, a coward, a disgrace…you understood. But what was the next part about? Him asking if the fight was only affecting him but not you? What fight? What on earth was going on? He wished he had talked to me; he wouldn’t have needed to write any more letters if he had?  And that last paragraph? It’s difficult. It’s like talking to a person with amnesia. Writing to a person who doesn’t know who’s writing to them is confusing. I know. There are things that I can’t say. But you’re smart. You’ll figure it out eventually.

So he knew that you had no clue who he was. From the last letter, you assumed that it was a person you had forgotten about, but this one implied that you had never known him? There were things he couldn’t say? You would figure it out eventually?

What?

…

From the look on your face, Youngjae knew something was up. When he asked, you only pulled out the letter. He groaned.

“That ass wrote again? This is some elaborate prank, huh?” He took the letter, still chuckling, but as his eyes scanned the paper, his smile disappeared.

You didn’t speak, upset that you didn't understand what was going on, upset that someone was clearly having some fun at your expense, but also upset that, at the same time, it didn’t feel like a joke. This felt personal and…real.

“Oh my god.” His little whisper had your attention on him.

“What? What is it?”

Youngjae didn’t seem to hear you. “How the hell…who could have known about that…”

“ Youngjae, what’s wrong?”

He reluctantly pointed at a sentence in the letter. “That’s…that’s me. I’m that friend. I just bought you a painting for your birthday next week. How the hell….” He trailed off, astounded.

You were speechless. Okay, that was scary.

“Damn it,” he spat, banging his fist on the desk, startling some students in the class. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“ Youngjae, I still haven’t seen it, so it is still a surprise,” you reassured. “And I think that’s not as important as the fact that this person might be stalking you too.”

Youngjae had his focused face on, probably thinking who could have had the chance to see what he bought for you. “Minho wouldn’t do that, right?” he asked quietly, referring to his roommate at the dorms, the second oldest in your group. You shook your head.

“Minho’s petty, but I don’t think he would go this far for a joke. No one else knows about the painting?”

“Other than the guy at the store, I don’t think so.” He ran a hand through his hair, agitated.

Both of you were too disturbed to communicate throughout the lesson, you almost blacking out when the prof asked you something.

“It’s not even details like that,” you told him after class, walking across campus to his dorms. “ Youngjae, when I read that letter, I felt it. It hurt me. It was like I knew this person, but my brain is struggling to remember who he is. It felt real.” You grasped his arm. “I haven’t been in like, some accident and lost my memory, right?”

Youngjae laughed at your comment, some of the tension dissipating. “Of course not, dumbass. As if we would let you.”

…

Another letter was waiting for you on Tuesday. The weekend had flown by with your coursework and your job, but luckily you had managed to complete everything.

You tore open the letter, glancing at the other two in the box on the fridge; two letters you had read over and over again, hoping for some meaning to this. The third letter wasn’t addressed to you by name.

 Red.

That was my favourite colour.

The moments until the ice broke between us were so awkward and cliché. You even popped the favourite colour question. I’ve never understood why that question became the standard first when getting to know someone. Can you automatically analyse a person  based on their favourite colour?

You told me yours and then asked for mine. I scoffed at you. I didn’t feel like telling you, right? Don’t you remember? I told you, “Guess.” And then I had to endure you following me around and naming random colours. And then you asked me why.

 His favourite colour was red. Nothing very special in that. But he was talking to you with such a sense of familiarity, as if the two of you had actually been close once upon a time. There was such…nostalgia in what he said. And he was asking if you remembered? No, Chris, you didn’t.

 Red showed me passion. It showed me heat and power and rage: just like the sun. Because I wanted to shine. I wanted my name on billboards and neon signs, spelling it out in fierce red letters. Red reminded me of the deep maroon stain on the carpet in the living room, the stain that you made by dropping a scented liquid candle on it in your first year. Red showed me blood and it reminded me of my heartbeat and how I’m still alive.

 You let out a shaky exhale at the words, both awed by the poetry in them and frightened at the fact that there was, in fact, a stain on the carpet in the living room made by you dropping a candle on the floor. This person knows you here, knows you now. And that was scarier than ever. Up until now, you had the chance that he was someone you knew long ago who decided to fuck with you with knowing your grades, had a pull with the coffee shop owner and saw your best friend buying you a painting. But now…the paper crinkled from how tightly you were holding it. This person knows you in this time of your life. He’s been to your apartment and knows how you sleep. And yet…as much as this makes you afraid, you can sense that he’s hurting. He doesn’t mean harm.

 Red reminded me of your blush.

Red is no longer my favourite colour. It stopped being so when you walked out the door with your suitcase and your tears. And without my apology.

My favourite colour is grey.

I see nothing but it nowadays. There’s no black or white anymore. It’s only grey. No clear differences, just a mess of confusion. Who was right? Were my actions justified? Were yours? What have you believed in the year you refused to speak to me?

Stagnant. Disinterested. That’s what my life is like without your presence. How did I ever think I could manage without you?

I’m weak. Too weak.

Chris

 Against your will, a tear escaped the corner of your eyes.

“Why am I crying?” you mumbled, wiping your face with the sleeve of your sweater. Your heart ached; your mind was searching again, searching for a face, an identity, but you were clawing blindly in the dark, only gaps where information should have been.

You and Chris had clearly fought. You walked out with your suitcase and your tears…and that meant you lived together. Was it here? In this apartment? You definitely haven’t had a roommate called Chris. Briefly, you wondered if this was addressed to another Y/N who had lived here with him long before you came, but the details proved otherwise. This person was watching you, here, now.

His life was stagnant without you. Was this person delusional? Crazy? Was your presence just in his head? What did he think of you, exactly? What was the nature of your relationship with him, in his head, at least?

You didn’t know. And if he was insane, you weren’t sure you even wanted to know.

…

Your heart broke at lying to Youngjae. When he asked you if you had any more letters, you shook your head.

“Maybe he’s given up,” you said cheerily, aware of the way Youngjae was observing you.

Well, maybe you should have known that lying to your best friend doesn’t get you very far.

“I’m not pressing you for information, Y/N,” he said gently. “I’m just saying, we’re all here for you. You don’t have to do anything alone.”

…

 Your birthday party passed in a haze. It wasn’t really a party, just you and your circle of friends chilling at your apartment, and them emptying your kitchen of food.

Youngjae gifted you a Van Gogh painting. Or, a copy of a Van Gogh painting, you should say. It was clear that both of you remembered Chris’ letter, but you laughed it off, saying that at least Chris didn’t tell you which one it was.

Jisung presented you with a track he had composed for you in his class. He winced, knowing that he was being cheap, but you hugged him gratefully all the same. You would’ve done so even if he hadn’t given you anything. Their presence was enough.

Minho, unfortunately, couldn’t show up, since he had a dance routine due that day, but Yeji showed up, bringing you food that Minho had made the day before, and although it served your friends more than you, you thanked them for it. You blew out a weak candle you had found somewhere in the kitchen while the others sang, your only wish being that you wanted answers to the letters you had been receiving. You cut through a rice cake and stuffed a piece into each of their mouths. And in return, of course, like the great friends they are, shoved a whole rice cake into your mouth and smashed another one on your head.

You didn’t mind. Not too much, at least.

After all, what were friends for?

…

Saturday. You had work in twenty minutes. It was only a five minute walk from your apartment, but you decided to leave early.

You were hardly surprised at a letter on the floor in front of you. It was more of anticipation. Anxiety. Fear. But you picked it up nevertheless.

It was a dull cloudy day that reminded you of the winter that was to come. As much as you were excited about snow days and Christmas, the cold was really a bitch. Ripping the envelope open, you pulled out the letter and began your walk to the coffee shop.

 Y/N,

There are fifty thousand things I want to tell you, but nothing more than this: I miss you.

Don’t you remember?

You would force open my door at two in the morning and wallop me with your pillow because I was snoring so loudly that you couldn’t sleep. But hey, you were worse. I remember you one night, yelling in your sleep that you needed a pencil. Were you dreaming about your finals? I don’t know. You had no memory of whatever it was the next morning.

 Despite the cold, despite your nerves, you couldn’t help but smile fondly at his words. You’d been told before, that you sometimes talked in your sleep, but couldn’t recall ever yelling for a pencil. No one had told you that, at least. This definitely confirmed that you had shared living space with him, whether as a friend, or as a roommate, or even…a boyfriend? Your eyes ran over three words again: I miss you. And then he asked, don’t you remember?

“I wish I did,” you whispered bitterly. “I really wish I did.”

 I still remember the night you found the courage to come to me because it was a terrible thunderstorm and you were scared. I wanted to make fun of you, but the look on your face stopped me. I’m glad I didn’t. That night you began to trust me. We stayed up all night through that storm, do you remember anything? There was the loudest clap of thunder and the power went out. Neither of us said it, but I knew we were afraid. We sat there on the sofa in silence, in the dark, until you suddenly spoke: “Please tell me we’re not going to die.” And I started laughing. And that was all. The ice was broken.

 “Oh.” You were probably just roommates. That night you began to trust me. “Wait, what am I saying?” you questioned yourself. “I’ve never had a roommate called Chris. Why am I acting like I do?” You smacked the side of your head. “Snap out of it.”

But even still, you couldn’t shake off the feeling that you did know him.

 But I never got around to telling you it. When the thunder died away, I forgot that there might be more storms to come. I never told you we weren’t going to die. And now I think that I’m going back on that promise I never made.

I can see those thunderclouds again, Y/N. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate a life without you.

Chris

 You were outside the shop now. You swallowed your emotions down, taking a deep breath, trying to compose yourself. Calm down, Y/N. It’s just some deranged psycho writing letters to someone he thinks he knows. Relax. You don’t know him.

.

Seungmin, another barista, waved to you as you entered. You returned the gesture, stowing your jacket away and putting on your apron.

“You okay? You look sick,” he commented as you washed your hands.

“Just the cold, I’m okay.” You glanced at the your flyer pinned to the bulletin board across the room. Seungmin noticed where your eyes were.

“Oh, by the way,” he continued, gesturing to the ad, “you know my friend Hyunjin, right?” You nodded. “He’s kinda looking for a place to stay.”

Intrigued, you perked up your ears. “Yeah? Tell him to call me.”

“Are animals allowed?”

“No. My landlord is pretty strict about that.”

“Ah.” His shoulders slumped. “Never mind, then. Hyunjin won’t leave his dog behind.”

You smiled gently, recalling the time Hyunjin had brought his little black and white puppy into the coffee shop for about fifteen minutes before the manager saw and threw them out. “It’ll work out somehow. He’ll find a place.”

“Hm. I guess so.”

The ringing of the bell indicated someone had just walked in. Taking a glance at the door, you smirked. “I think you should take this order, Seungminnie. I’ll be out back.”

Seungmin looked up from where he was trying to solve the crossword (which he simply never can) and saw Jeongin, a freshman that he had been long crushing on. He threw you a dirty look that didn’t hide his blush and reluctantly moved to the counter to take the kid’s order—hopefully without making himself look like a fool.

You busied yourself in the kitchen, making way for the deliverers bringing the day’s pastries. Half your mind was on the letter and every time you thought about it, a weight pressed down on your chest. It was a horrible feeling. You couldn’t wait to get to the bottom of this. None of the others knew you had been receiving more letters. Youngjae probably sensed that you had, but you weren’t about to involve him in it. This felt too personal to share with even him.

You sighed. This entire ordeal was eating you alive and you felt helpless in it.

…

There was no letter the next week. Chris seemed to have finally fallen silent. And you didn’t want to admit how attached you had already gotten, from just four letters. It was a sort of feeling you couldn’t control. You wanted to be scared, you wanted to burn the letters and pretend they never existed, but something warned you not to. Something told you that you might need them, sooner or later.

He took up most of your time; most of the thoughts in your brain had something to do with him. You wondered what he might look like, what kind of person he was. There was a lot about you in the letters, but precious little about him. He was observant. He was lyrical. Poetic. Emotional. Ambitious. What did he like to do? What was his passion? What relationship did he think the two of you had? You couldn’t help but wonder.

You didn’t want to admit it, but you sometimes addressed him when you talked to yourself around the apartment. For you, he was associated with only you, only these rooms. Maybe that was one reason you didn’t share this with the others. Chris seemed to belong to only you. Only known to you. And at some point, you would begin to feel like you only belonged to him. Whoever he was. You wished you only knew.

…

The next Saturday was a work day for you. There was no letter in front of your door when you left, but when you returned after a hectic day and rude customers, just wishing for peace, you were surprised to see an envelope with familiar writing scrawled across it. Snatching it up immediately, you dashed inside to read it.

 Y/N,

Do you remember the first time you spoke to me about your parents? It was so sudden. I didn’t know what brought it on. One moment you were busy around the kitchen and the next you were on the floor crying. The only thing that I could understand was that they had called, your mother said something and you were upset.

You went into a pathetic rant about how your parents had locked you in the four walls of your home, not bothering to listen to you, emotionally abusing you because they wouldn’t listen to you about your stress. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I could only hold you as you cried your heart out on my shirt.

 Your breath hitched.

This…this was real. This was too real. That was exactly how you felt. Even you couldn’t have organized your thoughts so well. How does Chris know me so well? Who are you? Already tears were forming at the corner of your eye at the emotion you felt from reading those sentences about your parents.

 Would you believe it if I saw you as cold and distant until that day? We were always civil, but you seemed shut off, closed to me. I know that you didn’t mean it. I realized that you were scared to open up. I can understand how hurt you must have been when your parents refused to care.

I can only say the same thing that I said then: They may never understand you, they may never accept you, but it doesn’t matter. There is enough love in the world that you are not at all restricted to seeking support from your family. That’s why humans can pack bond. There are people who know what you’re going through, and if there isn’t anyone else, I will be here. I always will.

 You choked back a sob. Whatever your rational brain said, you knew that Chris wasn’t out to hurt you. It was as if he knew what you were going through, and wanted to reassure you despite you not knowing him. You were grateful for that, regardless.

 Is it weird? Is it awkward that you know me but at the same time you don’t? Will you not be suspicious when you see me? I don’t even know if you will. I don’t know if I’ve messed things up by writing this. But even if I have, it’s okay. If it means that you’ll be alive, then I’ll be okay not having you as a friend. Even if we’re awkward and don’t get closer, it’s okay. I’m scared of what will happen if we do. I’m scared of getting stuck in this vicious cycle. It’s better if you stay away and survive than get to know me and ruin your life.

Chris

 Wait. Wait. Let’s try that again.

Is it awkward that you know me but at the same time you don’t? Yes. It is awkward, Chris. Am I living in some parallel dimension where I don’t know you but you’re living in the other side where I do know you?

Will you not be suspicious when you see me? When, you noticed. Not if. You paused, staring at the paper in your hands. When I see him? So you were right? You’ve never seen him? Or at least, you haven’t seen him recently? Yes, Chris, it will be suspicious. If I ever do see you, you better have some answers. How do you know all this when we haven’t met?

I don’t even know if you will. I don’t know if I’ve messed things up by writing this. Okay, now he doesn’t know if I will see him. What does he mean by messed things up? What has he messed up other than my sanity?

But even if I have, it’s okay. If it means that you’ll be alive, then I’ll be okay not having you as a friend. You noticed that your fingers were trembling. You tried to calm yourself, to understand what he was trying to say. Even if he has messed things up, it’s okay. He will be okay not having me as a friend if it means I will be…alive? Am I not alive?  Your parallel universe explanation popped up again. Am I not alive in his dimension? What?

Even if we’re awkward and don’t get closer, it’s okay. I’m scared of what will happen if we do. So he thinks we’re friends? And he’s scared about my life if I’m his friend? Is he a gangster or mafia leader or something? He’s okay with us not getting closer?

I’m scared of getting stuck in this vicious cycle. Vicious cycle. What cycle? You ran those words through your head, over and over again, trying to make sense of it. They sounded oddly familiar, but you just couldn’t place it. You felt like they were associated with Youngjae, for some reason. But why?

It’s better if you stay away and survive than get to know me and ruin your life. So he’s scared that I’d ruin my life if I got closer to him. And yet, you could almost hear the undertones in that sentence. The bitterness. He wanted to be close to you, desperately. But he was too scared to.

“Why do you have to be so fucking cryptic, Chris?” you mumbled.

You shook your head. You still had no idea what was going on.

…

That afternoon, Minho and Jisung came over to your place without any prior warning. You raised your eyebrows at them when you saw them shivering on your doorstep, backpacks on. They pushed past you into your living room and relished the warmth with loud exclamations of relief.

“Can I help you?” you asked, knowing your idea of peace was shattered. You closed the door before the cold could get in and make things worse.

“ Youngjae hyung kicked us out,” Jisung said, pouting. “He has a math test on Monday and he said he would fail if we kept disturbing him.”

You remembered telling Youngjae so many times to think again before taking math, but then, each to his own. “And you couldn’t stay in your room because…”

“Felix has his boyfriend over,” he explained. “And I’m not particularly fond of watching.”

“So we thought you’d be the best option.” Minho pulled his jacket off and tossed it onto the sofa before trudging to the kitchen.

“What makes you think I’m okay with watching you two?” you retorted, following Minho. You could already hear Jisung turning his laptop on, probably to play a game or watch a movie.

“You’ve been okay with it for seven years now,” Minho shot back, opening the fridge and closing it again in dismay. “You don’t really have much choice.” He stood on his tiptoes to grab at the box on top of the fridge, and you snatched it away in horror.

“What are you looking for?” you snapped, cradling the box in your arms. “You know you can just ask.”

“Don’t you have, like, real food?” He opened the cupboards and, finding a box of pretzels, turned to you in disgust. “Seriously?”

“You don’t have to eat it, you know.”

“Nah, I will. Food is food.” He reached into his backpack, brought out a packet of unpopped popcorn and set it on the counter. “Pop this, will you?” He gathered up the pretzels and the cereal box he found and walked out. You carefully set the box back on the fridge and let out a groan of frustration.

You reluctantly shoved the packet into the microwave and stared at it, still enjoying the ‘pop’ sounds it made. Your mind drifted back to the box on the fridge. You had to admit, you thought about this mysterious Chris more often than you liked.

“Who are you, Chris?” you muttered, eyes still on the spinning paper, your words drowned out by the noise. “Where are you?”

.

You found Minho and Jisung curled up on the sofa, intently watching what you assumed to be a movie. Plopping down on it and carefully setting the popcorn on the table, you peered around Minho at the screen. You were surprised to see that the movie was over halfway done.

“How did you guys watch it this far so fast?” you questioned, settling back into the cushions.

Without even taking his eyes off the screen, Jisung replied, “We were watching this at the dorm when hyung kicked us out.”

Nice. “What are you watching?”

“The Lake House.”

Not very helpful. “What’s it about?”

As Jisung opened his mouth to answer, Minho reached over and slammed the space bar, pausing the movie. Obviously he was irritated at the interruptions. Jisung held his hand to calm him down.

“It’s like this time-travel thing,” Jisung began, but Minho cut him off, choosing to explain in his quick, no-nonsense way.

“A house by the lake. Two people accidentally corresponding by writing letters but they’re actually two years apart in time.” He shrugged. “So things that she,” he pointed at the screen, “writes about haven’t actually happened for him, because he’s two years in the past. It’s trippy. Watch it sometime.”

“Ah.” You nodded and they resumed the film. You tuned out the dialogue from the laptop, mulling over what Minho and Jisung had just said. Corresponding by writing letters. Things that she writes haven’t happened for him because he’s in the past…

Time travel.

You sat up, the significance of that concept weighing heavily down on you.

The sound shut off once again. “You…okay?” Minho asked uncertainly.

You didn’t know how to respond for a moment. You barely heard him, blood pounding in your ears. All that was in your mind were the letters and Jisung’s voice: It’s like this time travel thing. You swallowed the revelation and the sheer possibility down.

“Yeah,” you gasped, “I just….” You stopped, the rest of the sentence dissipating into thin air.

Vicious cycle.

Those were words from your textbook.

You could still remember your professor lecturing your class on the beliefs that humans have had over the years. There was even a story, a legend, a myth, about time travellers. The class had erupted at that, referencing old pictures of people that bore eerie similarities to people living now. Social media made fun of them, calling them immortals and time-travellers. The story in your book spoke of a person who kept trying to change the past and alter the future and ended up going in circles with no result. Moral: don’t mess with things beyond human comprehension.

Vicious cycle.

“Y/N?” Jisung’s concerned voice broke you out of your thoughts. “Are you okay?”

You looked over at them, your eyes blown wide. Worry was etched on their faces. You forced a smile.

“Yeah, I just…I just remembered I have a paper due Monday.”

They laughed at your shock, and when you gestured to them that you’d be in your room doing that, they waved you away, calling out their thanks for letting them stay. You nodded absently, quietly padding to the kitchen and retrieving the letters from the box. Five of them in all.

The boys were immersed in their movie and didn’t even notice you slipping away into your room. You locked the door, finally allowing yourself to breathe.

You looked at the letters with a shaking heart. Was that what was happening? You couldn’t believe it. You didn’t want to believe it. You sat down on your bed, taking out the first letter and scanning through it. You put the idea into your head.

Time travel.

Could it be true?

Maybe it was. It would make a lot more sense with regard to the letters.

That’s how he knew, you thought. If he was your future roommate, he would know how you slept. He would be around you enough to notice how you smiled and that you chewed your lip when you were anxious. He would know that you recently got a raise and an A once in your class. He would know that the painting that hung on the living room wall was one that your friend gave you for your birthday. He would know that the stain on the carpet was your fault—and a candle’s. You could almost see yourself telling him all that.

It would explain how he knew you sometimes talked in your sleep and got scared of thunderstorms. He would know about your feelings towards your parents. Of course he would.

I realize you must be confused now, but I promise you that you’ll understand. You did. At least, you hoped you did. If that was even possible. You couldn’t see how time travel existed, but what other explanation could you give this?

It’s difficult. It’s like talking to a person with amnesia. You saw how it would be. If this was indeed future Chris writing letters to past you that didn’t know him yet…you understood how it would be difficult. There are things that I can’t say. But you’re smart. You’ll figure it out eventually. Have you? Have you figured it out?

It would explain why he said you had attended his sister’s wedding when you knew for sure that you hadn’t—yet. It would explain his anguish at the fight you were to have. His pain was contained in all of the letters you had received so far. Was the fight that bad? You couldn’t help but wonder what it would be about. Evidently it split the two of you—or, it would split you beyond repair. Chris was clearly hurting very much without you.

I never told you we weren’t going to die. And now I think that I’m going back on that promise I never made. This line still spooked you. Was he dying? Were you dying? What was going on? If he was really from the future, what was happening there that had him contact the past? Did he think he could change it?

Today’s letter made much more sense.

I don’t know if I’ve messed things up by writing this. But even if I have, it’s okay. If it means that you’ll be alive, then I’ll be okay not having you as a friend. Even if we’re awkward and don’t get closer, it’s okay. I’m scared of what will happen if we do. I’m scared of getting stuck in this vicious cycle.

He wanted to change the past? In a way that didn’t involve the two of you anymore? Wait. So, in his past, the two of you had evidently been quite close, as friends? more than friends? you didn’t know. But because of that, your fight had been severely worse? And that led to the fight breaking you up for good? And now, he couldn’t handle it, and he wanted to change the past so you didn’t become close, you didn’t fight and nobody got hurt? Was that it?

You rested your head against the wall, stunned by the turn of events. What was going on? What was happening?

…

 Your two-week winter break had you bidding Youngjae, Jisung and Yeji goodbye and sent them off home on the train. Minho’s family had gone to Japan to visit friends, and besides, he had his dance performance to think about. He confessed to you that he would much rather stay at the campus than waste his time in Japan seeing people he couldn’t care less about. Rather than be stuck in an empty dorm for the week, he decided to move in with you briefly, helping out at the coffee shop when he wasn’t practicing. You were grateful for his presence. Alone, he never got on your nerves. And he could cook better than you could.

“Why not stay at Jisung’s place for the holidays?” you asked him one evening in the kitchen.

“I didn’t want to intrude.” He sighed, pushing his glasses up with the back of his hand. “Jisung deserves some time alone with his family.” He cleanly chopped up an onion and tossed it into the pot simmering on the stove. “Don’t ask about me when you haven’t gone either.”

You threw a piece of pepper at him, which he caught and ate. “I hate travelling in the cold. That’s all. You know that.”

“I do know that. And you would have been very lonely.”

“Aww, you stayed for me?”

“Shut up and cut the vegetables. I can still leave, you know.”

“I know.”

…

Two nights later, you received a text from Jisung.

you seduced my man to move in with you huh I see how it is

You rolled your eyes. as if. he was begging me to let him stay

Jisung’s reply was quick. whatever that’s not what I wanted to tell you

okay what is it

felix has new neighbours and theor son is joining the university for the next sem and he doestn have a place to stay so

You raised your eyebrows. This was news. oh okay then ask him to call me then

okay I will I wasn’t sure I shud be giving ppl your number without telling you

You smiled. Jisung was considerate after all. thnx sungie

You had just placed the phone down when the thought occurred to you. A thought that had been haunting you a while ago. Chris was apparently your roommate at some point in the future. Was this person…Chris? You tapped out another message for Jisung. wait sungie whts the guys name

idk lemme ask felix hold on

You waited impatiently, anticipating (or dreading?) the reveal of the person’s name. You became alert when Jisung started typing.

flix doesn’t know hes asking his mom wait a sec

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Really? Does it have to have so much suspense? But what if it was Chris? What were you going to do? Were you going to tell Jisung not to give him your number? Or were you going to let Chris into your life anyway, despite all the warnings? The ‘ping’ of your phone startled you.

his names chan smthg

You relaxed. Oh. Well then. It wasn’t Chris. That decided things for you, then.

okay give him my number then

will do

You shut off your phone screen and lay back onto your pillows. Maybe Chris was right. Maybe by sending you the letters, he had changed time and now he wasn’t the person being your roommate. If the letters hadn’t been sent, would Chris be the one ready to call you?

That’s not how time works, you thought. No one is told what would have happened.

But you sure wished you were.

…

The next letter arrived in the morning, when Minho stepped outside the house to buy some breakfast. He didn’t think about picking it up, just shouting ‘you’ve got mail’ into the apartment before continuing on his way to the store.

You dashed to the front door and snatched it up, tearing it open once in your room. You had to know. Maybe he would finally crack and tell the truth instead of hiding things in code.

 Y/N,

I’ve never seen darkness like this.

I saw you again today—on the train back to Seoul. Where had you gone? I pretend like I don’t care, but I do. Deep down, you know I do, right? Honestly, I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of this existence. Why are we even fighting anymore? I know that you’ve forgiven me—you told my sister at her wedding. I want to forget it, too. I’m just too anxious to face you.

 You couldn’t help but feel like your suspicions were true. Back to Seoul. Where had you gone? Maybe back home? Where had Chris gone, if he was on the same train? From what he said, both of you wanted to patch up the fight but didn’t have the guts to?

 Did you see me? I felt like you did. Your eyes ran over me as if I didn’t exist, but I felt even more broken than I already am. Is this just a stand or do you really hate me now? Do you really not want to see me anymore? I don’t blame you.

I could have spoken to you. I could have stopped this feud but I’m a coward.

 Maybe you did see him. You could feel the ache in your heart as usual, but this stung a lot more, for some reason. Is this just a stand or do you really hate me now? I don’t blame you.

“I don’t hate you, Chris,” you whispered.

 You were sitting by the window, like you always do, wearing that sweater your mother bought you years ago, the one you thought was silly because it was orange and green. I agreed with whatever you said about it because I didn’t know colour schemes very well. But what I never said was that it looked good on you.

 “Sap,” you muttered, laughing under your breath. “Of course you would think that stupid sweater looks good on me.” The sweater in question was tucked deep in your wardrobe. It hadn’t seen the light since you first moved in. You wondered how Chris would know about it.

 I realized again that you’re so beautiful. I used to have a crush on you, you know? Back in the year we first met. You were such an odd character. You never did what you didn’t want to and you said what you meant. You were never good at hiding your emotions. You closed off a lot—I understand it was because of your parents—but I’m glad you finally opened up. I wish I were half as good at expressing myself. Y/N, can you promise me one thing? Even if after all this, I still show up at your apartment, even if we still become friends, even if we do fight, could you knock some sense into me?

My life is despicable and worthless without you. I’ve hurt you so much. But I can die in peace knowing that I’ve spent a year in your company. Even after I’ve wasted away, keep smiling.

Chris

 You couldn’t help the tears that escaped your eyes. Why was it that you felt such raw pain from these that you had to cry?

He used to have a crush on you. So that confirmed it, didn’t it? You were only friends. You could hardly imagine the depth of that friendship to end up like this from a fight. In your books, only one thing could break you apart from a relationship: betrayal of trust. Was that what happened? Or, what would happen?

You were such an odd character. You never did what you didn’t want to and you said what you meant. You were never good at hiding your emotions. True. Perfectly true.

Y/N, can you promise me one thing? Even if after all this, I still show up at your apartment, even if we still become friends, even if we do fight, could you knock some sense into me?

If you show up, you thought. But you’re not going to…right? Chan is. But you couldn’t tell anything. Maybe Chan wouldn’t last very long. Maybe the person to come after Chan was this Chris. But you were too weak.

“I promise, Chris.” You closed your eyes.

Even after I’ve wasted away, keep smiling.

You did.

…

 Monday came around again. But this time, you didn’t particularly hate it. It was the day after Christmas. Still the holidays. Classes wouldn’t start up until the next week.

Minho idled on the sofa, using his laptop, headphones around his neck, a true picture of professionalism. He could be doing anything for all you cared. Seated at the dining table, you were busy typing out an essay due for your anthropology class when break was over. Little by little each day. You simply forced yourself to not procrastinate until Saturday.

Your phone vibrated. An unknown number was calling. You picked up.

“Hello?”

A voice you were not familiar with spoke. “Is this Y/N?”

You narrowed your eyes. “Yes. Can I help you?”

“I was, um, calling to ask about the opening for a roommate?” the male voice answered hesitantly. Thick accent.

“Oh! Are you Felix’s neighbour? Chan…something?”

“Yes, I am!” he sounded relieved. “Bang Chan. But you can just call me Chan.”

You scribbled his name down on your notepad. “I suppose you’d like to see the apartment?”

“Yes, I would, um…” A pause. “When could I come over?”

“Um…” You thought about it. Youngjae and Jisung would be back on Wednesday and Minho would clear the area by then. “Is Friday okay? I assume you will be starting your classes on Monday?”

You heard the rustling of paper. “Yeah. Yeah, I am starting on Monday. Friday’s cool. Um, what—what time?”

“Any time is fine. I’m free all day on Friday.” You wrote down Friday on the paper. “We can talk about splitting the rent then.”

“Rent won’t be a problem,” Chan replied. You raised your eyebrows. Rich, huh?

“Very well. I guess I’ll see you on Friday.” You noticed Minho looking over at you. You rolled your eyes. “Take care. Bye.” You hung up the call, feeling like this Chan was someone you weren’t going to get along well with.

“What’s up?” Minho asked.

“Candidate for roommate,” you told him, setting down you phone and turning back to your essay. “Mister Bang Chan.”

“Ah. You got me safely out of the way first, huh?”

You winked at him cheekily. “Of course. The number one spot goes to you. I didn’t want him to feel incompetent.”

…

The next day, Minho packed his bags and left. You were sad to see him go, but you knew he had work to do. Youngjae was coming back tomorrow, and he would most definitely have a heart attack if he saw their dorm room in the state that Minho had left it in.

And speaking of work, you had enough as well.

Your essay was halfway done and you stepped outside the flat to take a break, get some fresh air, maybe get a coffee or hot cocoa or something. But of course, fate had it in for you.

You sighed at the all too familiar handwriting lying on your doorstep and brought it inside, opting to read it before going out. It would make you upset for sure, why not get it over with and then grab some coffee?

You slit the envelope open. The first thing you noticed was that handwriting was different. Shaky, almost.

 Y/N,

You’re not going crazy, I’ll tell you that. I am.

I heard the news today. I couldn’t believe it at first, I was in shock. But it’s true. It happened.

Had you really been drinking? That’s what they say, the police and the doctors. That’s what they reported in the paper.

I still can’t believe you’re gone.

 Wait, what? What do you mean, I’m gone? Your heartbeat picked up tempo.

 Was it just a car accident? Or was it suicide? Why had you been drinking? I don’t understand anything. My world is slowly spiralling into darkness and these letters are my only hope. My one chance, the only chance.

 The words spun around your head. Car accident? Suicide? Drinking? These letters are my only hope. The only chance.

 I haven’t spoken to you in almost a year, but it was comforting to know that at least you were alive and breathing the same air that I was. But now you’re gone and I can’t breathe anymore. I’m trying to grasp what happened and I’m trying to convince myself that it couldn’t possibly be true. But it is.

Reading all these letters, I know you might have understood what’s going on by now. You were always so smart. I’ve put the newspaper cutting in the envelope. I don’t know if you can see it or if I’m breaking the law.

Don’t ever drink and drive. Promise me.

Chris

 You stayed motionless, just standing there in front of the sofa, clutching the letter in your hand. Did…did you die? Your fingers fumbled around for the envelope, shaking it open. A piece of paper slid into your palm. The envelope fell silently to the floor.

Your face was staring back up at you.

You didn’t dare to read it, but some phrases registered in your memory before you could turn away. Killed in a car accident. Drunk driving. Research assistant. Road safety. Enquiry. And your name.

You shuddered, sinking onto the sofa, world swaying under your feet. Your hands were shaking badly and you squeezed them together, trying to release some of the tension. You were in shock. This proved everything. He was trying to contact you from the future.

“Oh my gosh,” you finally broke, burying your face in your hands.

So this was it. This was the reason he was writing to you. I don’t know if you can see it or if I’m breaking the law. Of course, the laws of nature. Don’t meddle with time. He thought he could have prevented your death? If only you two weren’t fighting?

Don’t ever drink and drive. Promise me.

Perhaps.

Maybe things had changed.

Chan was coming over on Friday after all. Maybe he should stay.

…

Wednesday saw Youngjae and Jisung stopping by your place with food that their parents had sent along for you. Thanking them profusely, you stored the dishes carefully away in the refrigerator. Since Minho had gone, you knew you would be facing a shortage of food. You wondered how well Chan could cook, if he could at all.

“Missed us?” Jisung asked, launching himself at you in a tight hug. You laughed, patting his head.

“Of course I did, Sungie,” you murmured fondly into his hair. He could be such a pain sometimes, but only when he was gone did you realize how much you all depended on him to keep the mood light. “My sunshine baby.”

“Aishh, stop it!” he whined, pulling away from you. “I’m not a baby.”

You giggled, ruffling his hair. “You’ll always be my baby.”

Youngjae engulfed you in his arms, rocking back and forth. “Your parents are a tiny bit mad that you didn’t come home, you know.”

You squirmed out of his hold. “I guessed. I just didn’t feel like visiting at the moment.”

He squeezed your shoulder comfortingly. “I know, Y/N. I know.” Briefly you considered telling him about the letters and your conclusion, but you thought it might sound rather far-fetched for rational Youngjae. Especially after what happened yesterday.

“Hey, did that guy ever call you?” Jisung interrupted, stealing a carrot from your fridge and gnawing at it. You pursed your lips.

“He did.”

“Who are we talking about?” Youngjae was confused.

“Felix’s new neighbour’s son is attending uni here and he called asking if he could check out the apartment.”

“Oh. Hm.” He seemed wary about this new person. “When is he coming? Or did he already?”

“Friday,” you told them. “So I don’t want any of you near this place, you hear? I’m keeping it spick and span. You are not ruining this for me.”

Jisung pouted, the food in his cheeks only making him look cuter. Youngjae put his hands up in surrender. “Understood.”

…

By the end of the night, the apartment was relatively tidy. At least, clean enough for a college student. You hoped Chan wouldn’t mind too much.

Thursday morning was cold. Just. That’s all that came into your mind when you woke up. Stretching around on your bed, instead of relief, you were hit with the strangest sense of foreboding. Something…you didn’t know what, but something told you there was a letter today. You jumped out of bed and raced to the front door.

You heart stuttered when you saw the envelope, addressed to you in his handwriting.

 Y/N,

Today was the funeral. I couldn’t bear to see you. I waited until the coffin was lowered to come near the vicinity.

 The funeral. Your funeral. You felt odd inside, reading about your own funeral, but felt even worse at Chris’ plight. He couldn’t bear to see you.

Your parents are devastated. Can you blame them? You left them around seven months ago and you haven’t spoken to them since, have you? I don’t know what to feel. I can only pity them but I feel so helpless inside, so guilty, like I could have prevented all this.

 You left your parents seven months ago? And didn’t speak to them after that? You placed a palm over your heart. Why? Did you fight with them, too? You couldn’t imagine the pain that must have caused. To not even say a good word to each other before you died? Chris felt guilty. Could he have prevented this?

 Today I thought a lot about the first time we met. Do you remember? You heard my name and went into a rant about some letters I had apparently written to you. I had no idea what you were going on about, but now, I realize it must have been these. I asked you to show me those letters, but you said you had thrown them away. Have we been stuck in that cycle forever?

 Your eyes darted to the box safely on the fridge. No wonder you had felt the urge to throw them away. Time was wired that way! In Chris’ past, you had thrown them away and when he showed up, you had gone off on him about the letters. But since he hadn’t written them yet, he had no clue what you were talking about.

Vicious cycle.

It made sense now.

 I saw your friends today. They say you were celebrating one of their promotions, and that you refused to go home with them. You had become reckless, they said. Ever since… They didn’t say anything about…us. They didn’t need to. I could see it in their eyes, the blame piercing into my heart. This is all my fault.

 My friends? Did he mean Youngjae? And Jisung? Minho? Yeji? They blamed Chris? And Chris blamed himself for your recklessness? He thought that if you hadn’t fought, you wouldn’t have attempted to drink and drive? You wouldn’t have attempted….suicide?

 Couldn’t I have stopped this? If only I had tried a little harder, if only we both had made a little more time...Wouldn’t things have changed?

I can’t breathe. There’s nothing but darkness in front of me now. There’s this horrible weight pressing down on my chest.

 “But what did you do, Chris?” You couldn’t help but ask. “What did you do that was so unforgivable that I killed myself over it?”

 Y/N, by the time you finish reading this, I will be dead.

 You gasped, clapping a hand over your mouth. No. No, no, no!

I know I’ve never said it to you very often, but you mean so much to me. I’m sorry that I let things come to this.

I’ve hurt you in the worst possible ways. But didn’t we deserve a chance? Just one more chance? Just one more chance and we could make it, couldn’t we?

I don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve anything I’ve given you. Even if I don’t deserve a chance, you do.

 “You do deserve a chance, Chris,” you choked out, openly crying now. “You deserve everything.”

 I can’t do anything but this. I don’t know how many forces of nature I’m breaking to get these letters to you. Everything is in your hands now, along with this letter.

I’m dying, Y/N.

I’m dying now because I can’t live without your presence. I’m dying now because my presence killed you.

I’m dying now to save you.

To save us.

Chris.

 Your blurry eyes fixed on the full stop after his name. He never did that before. You knew why he did it now. He was done. No more letters. This was it.

You clutched the paper to your chest, legs giving way, sinking to the floor with your back against the door, sobbing uncontrollably. You didn’t know him, but you felt it deep in your heart. In your soul. You felt just as you would if one of your gang had committed suicide. Y/N, by the time you finish reading this, I will be dead. And the oddest part? That weight on your chest had gotten heavier, but now you felt empty. He really was gone. You were the past, and he had destroyed the future. Everything is in your hands now, along with this letter.

You cried until you had no tears left.

You cried until your head spun from dehydration.

But in the end, against the cold door, you calmed yourself.

He’s alive. It was his future self that had died. This was the past. Or now, the present. He was most certainly alive.

You didn’t know where he was. Where he would come from. But hopefully, your paths would cross some way or other. At least, they would pass close by. You would find him. Whatever the cost, you would find him. Just to observe him from afar. Just to know if he was safe.

You swallowed thickly, rubbing the dried tear tracks off your face.

You would find him.

Sooner or later, he would come to you.

…

By the time the sun came up on Friday morning, you had composed yourself. Or at least, until Chan came and left. The apartment was pretty presentable, from your point of view.

You half-hoped Chan didn’t like it, so there would be a chance that Chris would show up. But then again, would that be playing right into the cycle you were trapped in? What if Chris coming to you ended up in misery whichever way the tape played? Maybe you should just keep him away and let Chan be your roommate.

You tugged at your hair in frustration.

When the time comes, I’ll know what to do.

Someone knocked twice on the door.

You immediately panicked. Fuck.

You cleared your throat, letting out steady breaths.

Cautiously, you opened the door.  

A pale-faced (you didn’t think it was from nerves) young man stood on your doorstep. At first glance he was quite ordinary. Dark brown hair, plaid button-up over a white tee, under a black overcoat. Jeans. He looked like any other college student. He had the type of face you could certainly get used to seeing. Seeing you, the corners of his mouth turned up in the sort of forced awkward ‘first meeting’ smile reserved for situations like this.

You returned the smile. “Chan, right?” you confirmed.

He nodded. “That’s me.”

You opened the door wider for him to enter, shivering slightly at the draft sneaking inside, and shut the door as soon as he came in. You noticed that he had been careful to shake the snow off his shoes before he stepped inside.

Considerate, you thought. Time to get to business.

“Nice to meet you, Chan,” you welcomed him, extending a hand. “Y/N.”

“Oh. Yeah.” He took your hand and both of you gasped at the shock that travelled through your forearms, jerking apart at once. He laughed nervously. “Weather does that sometimes, aye? The shocks.” He stuck his hand out to try again. This time you were able to shake it properly. “It’s nice to meet you too, Y/N.”

You nodded and as you drew apart, you didn’t bother to tell him that summer storm weather caused the shocks. Not winter. It didn’t matter anyway.

“You can hang up your jacket there,” you offered, gesturing to the hatrack in the corner. He obeyed after a moment’s hesitation. You noticed his physique as he shrugged his jacket off. “Um,” you weren’t sure how to go about a tour. “You can look around, I suppose. Take your time.” You pointed to the kitchen. “I’ll be here.”

He gave you a thumbs-up that he seemed to instantly regret. Turning away, you watched as his figure disappeared down the hall into the spare bedroom.

You sighed, planting your hands on the kitchen counter. You didn’t know what to do. Despite your curiosity about Chris, you figured that it probably wasn’t smart to risk both of your lives by insisting that Chris live here.

After all, he had said himself that he might have messed things up. That he might have changed his past. Your present. Chris might be anywhere. He could be a world away. He could be down the street. Maybe it was safer that way. You technically didn't know him, anyway. You only thought you did because of the letters. You didn’t know what he looked like, his personality, his past. You didn’t know how he would treat you. And what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you.

Maybe you should just let it all go. Chris is probably safe now. Sooner or later, you would forget about him. Why not sooner? You raised your eyes to the box on the fridge. One day, you wouldn’t need them anymore. One day, you would be fine with throwing them out, with burning the memories that wouldn’t exist because the past was changed. But until then…you would wait.

“It’s a nice place.”

You were so deep in your thoughts that you hadn’t heard Chan enter the kitchen. His eyes roamed the small room, a dopey smile on his face.

You allowed your expression to soften.

“You look upset,” Chan observed. “Is something wrong?”

Yes, something was wrong. But how do you tell this beautiful stranger your story? Where to begin? You shook your head. “You know how time breaks friends apart?”

He winced. “Only too well.”

The two of you stood there in silence, his gaze trying to reassure you. You didn’t need to say anything at all. He understood. Maybe you could get used to having him around. Maybe Chris was right. Maybe staying away was the best decision.

“So,” you broke the silence. “You like the apartment?”

He nodded. “I really do. But…um, how far is the university from here?”

You shrugged. “Fifteen minutes or so. There are buses from here direct to uni.”

“I have a car,” he informed you. “Hey, I could drive you there. We could go together.”

You felt warmth in your chest despite the cold weather. “We’ll see.”

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I’ll bring my stuff over tomorrow. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

He teetered on the edge of speech but then turned away as if to leave the kitchen. But then he stopped. “You’re—from abroad, right?”

“I am.” You tapped your fingers on the counter. “Aren’t you, too? You have an accent.”

“Yep.” He pressed his lips together. “You can call me by my English name, you know. If it’s more comfortable with you. Chan is my Korean name.”

In hindsight, you had no clue what you walked into, no idea where things were going.

“But I don’t know your English name?” your voice carried a questioning lilt. “Felix didn’t mention…”

In hindsight, you were ashamed that you didn’t consider the possibility.

In hindsight, you should have known better.

He smiled broadly.

“Chris.”

.

The smile fell off of your lips at once. And so did his.

Chris.

Suddenly the name was all you could hear over the blood throbbing in your veins.

Chris.

And all you could see was the name, scrawled on the bottom corner of paper in handwriting that you had become all too accustomed too.

Chris.

You heard him too well.

I’m dying, Y/N.

I’m dying now to save you.

To save us.

 His expression morphed to one of confusion. “Um. Y/N? Is…Is there something wrong?”

You turned your face away, so he wouldn’t see the droplets running down your cheek.

“No,” you breathed out, trying to keep your voice steady.

Even after I’ve wasted away, keep smiling.

Despite your suffocation, through your tears, your lips curved upwards.

“Not at all.”

…

fin.

[luckyspike]

Adventures in America, Ch. 12 - Adam and Lucky have feelings

so many feelings

this was a very long and very intensely emotional chapter for a lot of reasons, so writing it was a lot like walking uphill through quicksand, which is why it took so long

but we here now so let’s hit it

This fic is NOT ON AO3 YET SO here’s some links:

Start with chapter 1 here

Refresh on chapter 11 here

or check out my fic tag for all sorts of goodies

--

The boys considered the best way to approach calling Crowley and Aziraphale for a long time before they did it. They went back to the hotel room. In awkward silence, they changed into sweatpants, and sat down on Adam’s bed, his phone inert between them. They discussed how to start. Discussed what they had shared with what they now knew to be their mutual guardians, and how much they might suspect the two boys would have put together*. They discussed whether or not they should both speak right away, or if Lucky should wait until Adam had a chance to break it gently.

[*Almost nothing, Adam asserted with confidence. He assured Lucky that although his childhood memories depicted Brother Francis as the bumbling, oblivious one and Nanny as the sharp, observant one, they were both in fact, actually the bumbling oblivious one.]

They talked it over, they considered it and then, eventually, they swallowed their nerves and screwed up their courage and decided to call. With a few final muttered agreements, and a solemn nod, Adam tapped the phone, tapped Crowley’s name, and then tapped speakerphone. Lucky, next to him, swallowed nervously.

It might have been three in the morning in the South Downs, but Crowley answered on the third ring anyway. “Adam?”

“Hi, Crowley.” Adam realized he was sweating a little, and his t-shirt felt uncomfortably cold against his skin in the overzealous air conditioning of the hotel room. “How’s it going?”

“Not bad. How’s America going? Everything alright?” There was an undercurrent of anxiety there, stuffed behind a curtain of casual confidence. Lucky sniffed, wiped his nose with the back of his hand, and then bit his lip, swallowing any further sounds. Even so, the demon heard it. “Are you alright?”

“Hm? Oh. Yeah, America’s great. Did you get the videos?”

“Yeah, we did. Really something, it looks like. How’s it stack up to your expectations? Learning a lot?”

Adam nodded in spite of the fact that they were on the phone. “Loads. It’s really wicked, too … it’s wild, how powerful they are.”

“Told you, didn’t I?”

In spite of himself, he smiled softly, shot a glance at Lucky. The other boy was cross-legged, his elbows on his knees and his chin nestled in his hands, his eyes shiny and wet. He caught Adam looking and smiled too, waving a hand encouragingly. “Yeah,” Adam said with an easy laugh. “Yeah, you did for sure. Hey, is Aziraphale there?”

“Oh, yeah, hang on.” There was the sound of tapping, and then Crowley spoke again, a little more distant this time. “Right, you’re on speaker now. It’s Adam, angel.”

“Hallo, Adam! Staying safe and sound, are you?”

“Yes, yes, promise.”

The next to speak was Aziraphale. Adam was too absorbed in his own thoughts, his own tangle of anxieties, to notice that the angel’s usual easy tone was strained and tight. Worried. “To what do we owe the pleasure? Just checking in? Not that we’re not happy to hear from you, of course.”

In the little motel room, the boys shared a look across the phone. Lucky nodded. “Um,” said Adam, before he took a deep breath and squared up his shoulders. “Well, sort of. Actually, I … I actually have a few questions. Some weird stuff has been happening.”

The silence on the other end of the phone spoke volumes. Adam winced. “Where are you?” Aziraphale asked, finally. “I can be there in a moment, Adam, if you need -”

“No,” he said quickly. “No, I don’t … I don’t think I need you to come here, anyway. I just have some questions.”

“If you’re sure.” Crowley sounded doubtful. “Really, Aziraphale can be there in a second, and I could -”

“I’m sure,” he cut in firmly. “Really sure. Just some questions.” He didn’t wait for them to respond, and instead blurted out with the first: “What was the name of the other kid? The one you thought was the Antichrist?”

This time, the silence stretched. It was a long silence, an uncomfortable silence, and Adam stared at the phone, brows knit, while Lucky sat with his chin in his hands, tears welling up in his eyes. He swallowed, looked to Adam, and opened his mouth - this was a bad idea, he was going to say, Adam thought, a really bad idea - but then, softly, Crowley spoke.

For a moment, he sounded Scottish. “Figured it out already, did you?”

“Nanny.”

“You knew?” Adam boggled. “You … were you gonna just let us like, spend weeks together and not tell us?”

There was a sigh in the background, and Crowley went on, in the same soft, highland voice, “Didn’t take you two very long, did it? We figured you’d get there eventually, when we saw you’d be doing the same program, but I thought we might’ve had a few more days. Hello, Lucky.”

“Hi Nanny.” Lucky was shaking, leaning over the dark screen of the phone. “This is … weird.”

“Right.” That was Aziraphale in the background, and there was a rustling, like he was moving around. “Where are you, I’ll be there, I’m sure you’re both confused.”

“I can -”

“No, don’t. We’re confused but uh.” He laughed, dry and tired, and rubbed his head a few times, mussing up his already-messy blonde locks. “Super confused, but I think … I think we’re gonna be alright without you guys in person. I think.” He looked to Lucky for confirmation.

“... Yeah,” Lucky said after a beat. “Yeah, we’re okay. Promise.” He looked to Adam to go on, but the other boy gestured to the phone, an invitation to steer the conversation. “Nanny, Brother Francis … First of all, you didn’t ...  it wasn’t me that you were supposed to be raising. I’m not the Antichrist. Uh. You know that, though.”

“Of course, dear. But in the end it wasn’t really relevant what we were supposed to be doing, was it? What’s important is what happened.” It was the first time Adam had ever heard Crowley call someone dear, and in that soft voice, it almost made Adam jealous, just for a second, until he remembered that he’d stolen Lucky’s parents, he’d stumbled in to the family that was full of love and support, and Lucky had been left with a father that was disappointed in his lack of interest in football or baseball or hunting, and a mother that had treated him like an amiable acquaintance. The least he could have had, Adam thought, was two godparents that watched him, guided him and, by the sounds of it, loved him.

“So you still - I mean, I’m not … you don’t …” he trailed off and made a frustrated little noise. “I don’t know how to say what I want to say.”

“You are not, never have been, and cannot possibly be a disappointment, if that was it,” said Aziraphale. “You weren’t the antichrist, Lucky, but you were also a wonderful boy in your own right. Still are, for that matter.” 

More quietly, Crowley added, “For all the mess that happened with the whole Armageddon business, Lucky, you were one of the wonderful things that came out of it.”

“Are you sure we shouldn’t come over there? Really, it wouldn’t be a lot of trouble, you could always just summon Crowley, he’ll talk you through the circle -”

Adam laughed. “No. No, don’t. Not yet, anyway.”

Crowley heaved a sigh. “Right, you’re gonna have to get some chalk and have a flat surface to work on, preferably at least two feet across, I can fit in smaller but it’s really not pleasant -”

“Are you really a demon, Nanny?” Lucky was crying, and Adam clambered off of the bed to retrieve a box of tissues off the desk. “Sorry, I didn’t want to start crying again, it’s not about the demon thing, it’s just this has been a … weird day?”

“Right, that’s it, I’m coming through. You have this on speaker, I assume?”

“Don’t-” Adam started, but it was too late. There was a curious sound, like satellites screaming, or a million tiny gold-plated circuits howling in surprise, and then there was just Crowley, standing in front of them, a little mussed for, apparently, crossing the Atlantic through a wifi connection but mostly just the way he always looked, black and sharp and unspeakably cool. Next to him, Lucky gasped.

Crowley shrugged, a little apologetically. “Yeah. Demon. Sorry, I just thought might be better to have this conversation in person, ah. You know.” He might have said more, looked prepared to say more, but Lucky was on him then, arms wrapped around his shoulders and hugging him like he may not ever let go. Crowley stiffened up for a second, like Adam knew he always did, and then visibly relaxed, pulling Lucky close and running his hand through the taller boy’s hair. “There, there, dear,” he said, in the same Scottish accent as before.

Lucky sobbed. “Nanny.” His breath hitched, like maybe he wanted to say more, maybe wanted to start talking and explain the whole day and never stop, but he wailed instead, biting off and swallowing the sound and holding Crowley tighter still.

Crowley didn’t move, save to rub the kid’s back, but he did look to Adam for a beat. “Aziraphale’s coming too - he’ll be at the door.”

“Got it.” It was a relief to turn away. He liked Lucky, tremendously really, and felt awful about telling him about everything and pulling the rug out from under his world, but at the same time, a haunted doll had sort of got it all started, and it wouldn’t have been fair to hide all that from him. Especially, Adam thought, if it was going to involve elements of … Antichristliness. Either way, whether he liked Lucky or not, he felt a little uncomfortable standing there watching him choke out hitching sobs, clung to Crowley after years of physical absence. Sure, the motel room was small and it wasn’t as if Adam could go far, but he took the excuse and stepped a few feet away, hovering nervously by the door to the room and waiting for the knock.

“I’ve got you, Nanny’s got you, devil. Come on, sit.” That was Crowley in the background, sort of awkwardly inching Lucky toward the bed. 

“I missed you.”

Adam swallowed. It was because of him. They’d had to leave Lucky behind because he had been the wrong boy. Because Adam had been the right boy. Because they had to keep an eye on him, and make sure he didn’t end the world while their backs were turned. I’m sorry, he wanted to murmur. He ached to cross the room and put a hand on Lucky’s shoulder and apologize, let him know how sorry he was, but he needed this time with Crowley - Nanny, which was weird, and would take some getting used to, certainly - and so Adam stood by to wait for Aziraphale.

As if on cue, no sooner had he thought about the angel then the door rattled. He yanked it open and Aziraphale stepped in without a word, hands on Adam’s shoulders. “Dear boy…” He glanced to Crowley and Lucky, now side-by-side on the bed, Lucky’s face buried in Crowley’s shoulder, his sobs a little more subdued. He and Crowley must have exchanged some kind of non-verbal communication, because Aziraphale nodded then, and turned his attention back to Adam. “Dear boy, are you alright?”

“Yeah.” He swallowed hard, and realized his eyes were watering. “Kind of. Not really, actually.”

“Then that’s just fine.” And Adam found himself in the arms of an angel, crying and hugging Aziraphale, his hands twisted into the old dun jacket, grounding himself in the feel of the fabric across the shoulders, just slightly threadbare, and the way the angel was warm and soft and familiar. “That’s it, take your time,” Aziraphale soothed, running a hand through Adam’s hair and tugging out an errant knot. 

“Every time I think I’m over it,” Adam forced out, between gasps. “I always … I think I’m past it but then something happens an’ it’s just …” He whimpered. “Should I not have … maybe I should have just not said anything.”

“I’m certain you had a very good reason to do what you did. You said something happened.”

“Yeah.” He took a breath, shuddering and deep, and tried to talk, but Aziraphale shook his head and, with a handkerchief produced out of nowhere, wiped Adam’s face.

“Take your time. No rush, dear boy. Shall we sit down?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Aziraphale tucked him under his shoulder then, and he leaned into the angel as they walked to the bed, Aziraphale sitting next to Crowley, the pair of them flanked by a couple of eighteen-year-olds that had been joined at birth by a set of unbelievable and absurd supernatural circumstances. 

Adam recovered first. He had, after all, had more time to process the entire thing than Lucky had. Lucky, who had just discovered the truth of his birth this afternoon, right on the heels of learning that ghosts, demons, angels, God, Satan, and Antichrists were also real and, in some cases, more familiar than he might have thought. Lucky, who had for years believed that his beloved childhood nanny and her strange gardener companion had moved away to some remote village in England, only to ever be reached through telephone and e-mail again. Lucky, who had believed said beloved Nanny was just a weird Satanist human, and not an actual demon, and said gardener was just a devout man, rather than an actual angel. 

Granted, the demon thing didn’t seem to be bothering him too much. He had his arms slung around Crowley’s neck now, crying gently into his shoulder, while Crowley rubbed his back and looked very tired, and a little defeated. 

“I thought I wouldn’t ever see you again in person,” Lucky managed after some length of time - Adam hadn’t really been keeping track, and it wasn’t important, not really. “I thought you were too old and sick to travel, and you never gave out your address, and I just thought …”

“I’m sorry.” Crowley ruffled Lucky’s long hair. “Really, Lucky. Really sorry. If there was a way to be in two places at once …” He trailed off, while Lucky nuzzled into his shoulder, shoulders still shaking intermittently.

“I’m sorry too,” Adam mumbled.

Aziraphale shook his head. “Why would you be, Adam? All of this is hardly your doing - you’re as much of a victim of circumstance as Lucky.”

“Still can be sorry.”

“I suppose so.” Aziraphale sighed. “I think we all feel sorry, really.”

“I’m glad you came,” Lucky said into Crowley’s shoulder, after a while. “Even if we said not to.”

“Sometimes kids just need their nannies.” Crowley smirked, looking down at Lucky with a fondness Adam had rarely seen before, and more rarely still towards anyone besides Aziraphale. “Even if they are too tall and have beards.”

Lucky laughed wetly and sat up a little, enough to swipe a tissue across his nose. No one decided to say anything about the tears and snot still left in his beard and mustache. “I could shave it.”

“Why would you, if you like it? Didn’t I teach you to always do what you want? Everyone else can piss off.” Lucky laughed again.

“I don’t think you used those words, exactly.”

Crowley nodded. “True. But in my defense, you were four.” That got another giggle, and this time, when silence settled over the little motel room it wasn’t quite as thick and tense as it had been. 

“So,” Aziraphale started, his hand still on Adam’s shoulder. “Would you like to hear the whole story? Then you can tell us what happened, how you figured it out.”

“I would.” Adam looked shyly over. “Not sure … would you?” Lucky nodded. “You’re sure you’re okay, you don’t want to -”

“I just want to understand a little bit more.” Lucky took a breath. “Even if there’s no good answers, I just want to understand.”

“Very well.” Aziraphale fidgeted a little on the side of the bed, hand coming off of Adam’s shoulder, all the better to fiddle with the sigil ring, which Adam always knew was a sign of discomfort. “Crowley, I believe you were there at the start of it.”

Crowley swallowed. “I want to make something very clear before I tell you both this, alright?” The boys nodded. “I … well, in Hell’s books, this all is my fault. I fucked it all up, made all the mistakes at the beginning, what’s new there right? And from your point of view, that’s probably going to be true, too. What I should have done -”

“Hey.” Adam cut him off, quiet and calm, eyes still watering just a little, but otherwise as composed as ever. “Crowley? The world didn’t end, so you can’t have done that much wrong, right?” Aziraphale squeezed his shoulder.

“That’s what I’m always telling him.”

Adam swiped his hand across his eyes, drying away the wetness there, even if just for a minute. “Right. So you can talk all about what you should have done, should have gone, should have known, an’ yeah, maybe it would’ve changed stuff, but then also maybe I would have ended the world and incited the final battle between Heaven and Hell? Which wouldn’t be … ideal.” He waved a hand. “Not that any of it’s ideal but like … Well, I wish Lucky wouldn’t’ve had to be involved, or the other kid, whoever he is, but. You know.” He forced a little laugh. “Could’ve been worse. Sorry, Lucky.”

“Well.” Lucky snorted, swallowed, and shrugged. “I mean. When the alternative is the very real possibility of Armageddon like … yeah. Wish it wasn’t me, I guess, but like in this case we can actually say with confidence that it could’ve been way worse.”

“So much worse,” Adam agreed, and Aziraphale and Crowley exchanged a relieved glance. “So okay yeah, some bad stuff happened, but that happens, right? Part of the world. And you guys taught me that sometimes when bad stuff happens, the stuff that happens after turns out okay anyway, and sometimes it sucks. In this case I think it … was kind of both. But more okay.”

Lucky nodded. “Yeah. More okay. No Armageddon.” He sighed. “And my parents were - are - kind of jackasses, but like … they did some stuff right too, I guess. Plus I had Nanny and Brother Francis.”

“You can call me Aziraphale now, dear boy.” He looked a little bashful. “If you’re comfortable with it. It is … well, it is my name.”

Lucky looked to Crowley, but before he could say anything the demon already answered the question on the tip of his tongue. “Nanny’s just fine. Or Crowley. Whatever. Just not Crawly.” That garnered a strange look, and he patted the boy on the shoulder. “Tell you about it later, sometime.”

“So hang on.” Lucky took a deep breath, and through narrowed eyes peered at the two man-shaped beings. “Actually an angel and a demon?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you just magically come through the phone?”

“I did.”

He frowned, and sighed, and put his head in his hands. Crowley patted him on the back, consoling. Muffled, Lucky went on, “So much makes sense about that, but it’s so weird. I only like, half-believed in ghosts until this afternoon, you know?” He spread his hands. “Now my Nanny’s a phone demon or something, and the gardener was actually an angel the whole time and not just like, a weird monk, and I went to the Middle East when I was eleven because everyone thought I was the Antichrist.”

Crowley bit his lip, shrugged, and sighed. “That’s pretty much it, yeah.”

“You’re not a phone demon,” Aziraphale said reproachfully. “Actually, in the Beginning, he was -” Crowley cut him off with a glare. “Ah. Well. Perhaps later. I suppose it’s not entirely pertinent right now.”

“Tell you later,” Crowley assured Lucky, who was watching him warily. “You sure you want to hear this? Now the secret’s out, not like we’re going to have to stay away anymore.”

Adam found himself nodding. “Yeah, we could all wait, I sort of gave you the brief at the restaurant.” He frowned though, because suddenly Lucky was grinning like an idiot. “Uh.”

“You can come visit now? Really?”

“I … suppose we could.” Aziraphale looked thoughtful. “I don’t see why not. Before it was all a question of logistics, but I suppose now that you’re aware of ah, the particulars, instantaneous travel isn’t entirely unexpected.”

Lucky was hugging Crowley again, and if the demon had actually needed to breathe he might have had a serious problem doing so. As it was, he was looking a little strained, and Adam found himself listening for the crack or pop of a rib, maybe, under the intensity of the other boy’s embrace. “You will, right?” he asked, voice a little thick again. “You will?”

“Of course, devil-child. Ungh. Gentle.” Lucky loosened up on his grip, and when he sat back he was beaming, although he looked exhausted under that excitement. “Yeah, we’ll visit.” The shifting in accents was a little disconcerting, after all the years Adam had known Crowley to just be … Crowley. He imagined Lucky was having a similar sensation of disorientation, although heading in the opposite direction.

“What prompted all of this?” Aziraphale asked Adam quietly, gesturing vaguely to the four of them, all seated awkwardly on the edge of the bed. “Why don’t you start there, instead? If you both know the generalities of the, ah, of your beginnings.”

“Might all be a bit much for a day, yeah.” Adam looked to Lucky. The other boy shrugged, trying to put on a brave face, but under the thin smile he was tired, wrung-out, as Adam’s mum would say, with pale skin under the dark beard, and gray circles around his eyes. “You think?”

“I do wanna know. But yeah, maybe another day.” He rubbed his eye with a fist, and yawned. “I guess I sort of have the idea, anyway. But yeah. We saw a ghost or something, today.”

Aziraphale looked to Crowley, and then to Adam, and then back to Lucky. “Go on,” he said, at last. 

“We were touring haunted houses,” Adam said, while Aziraphale hummed in acknowledgement, urging him to continue, “and looking for ghosts. Which we weren’t finding, ‘cause, you know.”

“Right.”

“And them we were in this room with a bunch of dolls -” he chose to ignore how Crowley winced, “- and we were just gettin’ ready to leave, but then one of the dolls said ‘Antichrist’.”

Aziraphale boggled. “What?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. An’ so we were like, what was that, an’ he started talking to it.” Adam pointed to the other boy.

“It was the dolls,” Lucky clarified. “Like. All the dolls at once, and I asked who was there, and they just said ‘us’.”

Crowley rankled. “Legion. Bet it’s that bastard Eric, bet you anything, I thought he’d at least honor the agreements -”

Aziraphale patted Crowley on the shoulder, politely and gently cutting the demon off. “What happened then?”

“Well,” Lucky said with a sigh, “first, we tried to run away. But the door slammed shut and then Adam couldn’t get it open.”

“It was like it was stuck or something. It had shut on its own, too.” He shivered a little, and Aziraphale wrapped him in a one-armed hug. “I couldn’t find the knob, or whatever. An’ then the dolls were floating an’ everything, and they said, ‘Beware, Antichrist.’”

“Beware?” Crowley looked surprised, one eyebrow raised incredulously. “Unexpected.”

Adam shrugged. “Dunno. But yeah, they said beware, an’ then they started really freaking out, an’ then they said -” his face creased in puzzlement as he recalled the exact words, “- ‘Beware the Duke, beware the Warrior. You hear us kid? Beware!’” He took a deep breath. “An’ then everything went right back to the way it was before, like nothing happened.” He did look over to Crowley then, still thoughtful. “Smelled a bit like sulfur, I thought.”

“It did.” Lucky was frowning, too. “And like … fresh paper. Or something like that.”

“Sulfur and fresh paper,” Aziraphale said, thoughtfully, while Crowley muttered something about the Duke and the Warrior. “Was there … anything else?”

The boys exchanged looks and then, eventually, shrugs. “Don’t think so,” Adam said. “But, uh, yeah, that’s what happened.”

“I started telling him how you used to call me the Antichrist,” Lucky told Crowley, also sparing a few sidelong glances at Aziraphale. “And how you were … well, I thought you were just both sort of weird. But I told him that, and I’d already said something about being born near Tadfield, and I guess he knew enough.”

“Yeah.” Adam shrugged. “From what you guys told me. I kind of figured. And then I thought, well, I wanted to call you two anyway, because ghost, an’ Lucky was there for it, an’ there was the whole Antichrist thing and I just thought …” He trailed off, and stared into some middle-distance in the direction of the stucco wall separating the room from the bathroom. “I thought I owed him an explanation. Because I figured things would start getting weird,” he concluded, after a long time.

Lucky laughed. “Start? They’d already started getting weird.”

Adam managed a grin. “Well. You know. Weirder.” Then the grin fell from his face, and he turned back to Aziraphale for a moment, and then Crowley. “So what are the Duke and the Warrior? Do you know them, or?”

“The Duke,” Crowley said, leaning back onto his hands, elbows locked, as he stared toward the ceiling, “I’m almost positive is Duke Hastur. Duke of Hell.”

Adam’s eyes widened a little as he drew in a quick breath. They’d talked about Hastur before, at the restaurant, and he hadn’t put it together then. Stupid, he thought, and then he forgave himself, because sometimes things don’t come as easily when you’re under pressure. “Oh, yeah. That’d make sense.”

“Hastur la Vista?” Lucky balked. “He’s a Duke of Hell? Does this mean he’s like … watching us?”

“Might be.” Crowley scowled. “Who’s the Warrior, though?” He looked to Aziraphale. “Any of your old lot, do you think?” His mouth dropped open. “Not Michael, couldn’t be Michael, do you think?”

“Oh good,” Lucky said faintly. “An Archangel.”

Aziraphale had winced as soon as Crowley had suggested it. “It’s probably Michael. And to imagine them in cahoots …”

Adam was looking between them, a little desperate. “Are they after me? I thought after everything at the airfield, you two retired.”

“Eh … in a manner of speaking.”

“You can retire from being an angel? Or a demon?” Lucky asked, stunned and wide-eyed with disbelief. “But you came through the phone …”

“I’m still a demon,” Crowley elaborated with a little shrug. “But not working anymore. No more jobs from Hell. Officially.” He shifted uncomfortably. “Get the occasional milk run kind of thing, nothing significant.”

Adam looked to Aziraphale, who also shifted a little. “I’ve popped in for a few minor blessings for Heaven, as well. You have to understand, after 6000 years -”

Lucky spluttered for a second, before stammering out, “6000 years?”

“Tell you later,” Crowley replied quickly. “I will, devil-kid, I promise. For now, it’s late, and you two had a big day, and -”

“And an Archangel and a Duke of Hell might be after me,” Adam said harshly, bristling. “Why? No more, I told them! No more, and here they are, back again! I told them!” He looked afraid then, and searched frantically around the room, as if Michael or Hastur might be lurking behind the reading lamp. “What do they want? I’m not restarting it, I … I can’t restart it!” He waved his hands, and then ran them through his hair. “I can’t do that stuff anymore.”

“Which is why I’m very glad you called us, indeed.” Aziraphale leaned in to Adam, bending forward and twisting until he met the boy’s eyes. “Listen to me, Adam. Whatever they’re doing - and I don’t know yet, what that warning means, what might be happening, but I have every intention of figuring it out - I’m fairly certain it’s not ah, official. So to speak.”

Crowley shook his head. “Definitely not from my side. I can call Zozo or Eric just to make sure, but.” He stopped. “And someone warned you. You said you smelled sulfur?” 

“Yeah.”

“So someone from Hell warned you, for sure. Ghosts don’t smell like sulfur.” He thought for a minute, muttering intermittently to himself as he did. “So Hastur could have gone rogue, not surprising and hardly like anyone cares, these days.”

“I thought Beelzebub said I was to be left alone.” Adam looked hurt. “You said.”

“Ze did, but ah, Ol’ Beelz is a little preoccupied these days.” Adam was watching him, imploring and scared, and Crowley slumped. “No one’s seen Lucifer in at least five years, Adam. Rumor has it the Dark Council saw him once, right after everything at the airfield, and then no one’s seen him since. You didn’t hear any of this from me, by the way.”

“Oh, it gets better,” Lucky said faintly. “A Duke of Hell is chasing you, and no one’s seen Lucifer, so, you know, actual Satan is out there somewhere, too.”

“Certainly not chasing you,” Crowley hurriedly assured Adam, who suddenly looked on the verge of tears. “You’d know. No, leading theory right now is he fucked off to some other planet or something, which good riddance if you ask me. Either way, no one’s been able to track him down, and they’ve been trying.”

Lucky laughed, a strained, forced little sound that wheezed out of him in a few sharp barks. “So what,” he said, looking to Aziraphale, “Satan’s gone, you’re gonna tell us God’s MIA too?”

Adam gulped. “Well I don’t think … I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s not exactly new. Is it?”

“God is all around us,” Aziraphale responded automatically, while Crowley rolled his eyes. And then the angel looked a little embarrassed. “But ah, you are correct in that no one has … heard from Her … in quite some time.” He concluded, in a very small mutter, “At least a millenia or so.”

“... Oh.” Lucky swayed a little. “This has been a long day.”

Crowley was up then, and tapping Lucky lightly on the cheek. The Scottish accent was back, as well. “You need to sleep. Nothing we’re going to do about any of this in the next few hours. Get ready for bed, on you go.”

As if on autopilot, Lucky rose, and shuffled into the bathroom to wash up. Adam, left alone with his godfathers, looked between them. “So what’re you gonna do?” he demanded. “If you think I’m gonna sleep, if you two are gonna go off to talk to your old bosses, then you’re wrong, ‘cause -”

“You are going to sleep,” Aziraphale cut in firmly. “And we’re going to stay here all night, and try to puzzle out what on Earth all this is about.” He looked Adam up and down severely. “And if you think you’re going to be finishing your trip on your own, young man, you’re quite mistaken.”

Adam blinked for a second before he said, a little dumbly, “There’s not room for you in the truck.”

“We’ll rent a car,” Crowley assured him, hands tucked into his pockets. “Go on, get ready for bed. One of us’ll be here, if not both. I’m gonna have to go get a car,” he added, and because Adam was glaring at the floor of the motel room, he didn’t catch the wink Crowley shot Aziraphale over his glasses. “Might be good - could do with a walk, clear my head. Sniff around for anything unusual.”

Adam looked to Aziraphale and suddenly, in spite of growing up, the two-day stubble and the broad shoulders of a grown man, Adam looked very much like the frightened eleven-year-old they had met on the tarmac seven years ago. “What if they come? What if they come and you’re alone?”

“A reasonable concern but,” Aziraphale said, standing up and rooting around in Adam’s duffle bag for a moment before producing a soft pair of tartan pajamas that Adam was certain he had not packed or, in fact, owned when he left England. “But all signs at this stage would seem to imply that if Michael and Hastur are up to something it is not official business. And you may well have someone else watching out for you, if the dolls are any sort of indication.” He waved a hand and a similar pair of pajamas - blue, instead of brown, but otherwise the same pattern - appeared on Lucky’s bed. “Although at this stage we don’t know who.”

“We’ll be working on it, though.” The bathroom door opened, and Crowley kept talking as he bundled Lucky over to the bed, shoving the miraculously new pajamas into the boy’s hands. “Get dressed, there you are. You too, Adam. I’ll see what I can dig up while I get the rental car. Call up Zozo.”

“You think they’ll tell the truth?” Aziraphale asked doubtfully, holding his hands out to Adam and helping the boy to his feet. “They are a demon …”

“Eric, then. Eric’s a good egg, more’s the shame.  One of ‘em’ll work.” He frowned. “We just need to know if it’s official. If not, it’s Hastur on his own, which isn’t great but it’s not the worst thing. It’ll mean he has to use indirect interference too, which makes it easier for us to re-route things. He won’t be able to just call up a spout of Hellfire or anything.”

“Wonderful,” Adam mumbled. Aziraphale pointed him toward the bathroom door, and he took a few steps, suddenly feeling just how incredibly bone-tired he was. Each step was a labor, and although his brain was racing around, trying to think about what to do, how to deal with this, about Michael and Hastur and Heaven and Hell, his eyelids drooped. He stumbled through his nightly routine, spending a full minute staring blankly at his reflection with his toothbrush in his mouth while his brain kept running in the same circle - Michael, Hastur, beware kid, beware - before he spat the toothpaste foam into the sink, gargled half a cup of water, and stumbled out of the bathroom.

Lucky had laid down, Crowley sitting on the edge of his bed and watching him, while Aziraphale was holding Adam’s phone, a little nervously. “It went off,” he said, holding the thing out toward the boy. “I didn’t look at the message.” Adam shrugged. Aziraphale probably had, he was fairly certain, but the angel was funny about what he did and didn’t want people knowing he’d done, so Adam went along with the charade.

He tapped the screen, read the message, and typed out a single-letter reply: ‘K’. “It’s Rachael, one of our guides. She says we’re s’posed to meet in the lobby tomorrow morning at nine. We aren’t going to be going far - there’s a good system building up over Nebraska that’ll probably do something cool.” He flopped onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling for a minute, hands folded over his belly. After a time, he started fiddling with the button on his new pajamas. “Seems kind of dumb to keep storm chasing, doesn’t it? Maybe I should just go home. I could make something up about a family emergency. Wouldn’t totally be a lie.”

“No, don’t,” Aziraphale admonished. “Adam, you were looking forward to this.”

“Before I knew an Archangel and a Duke of Hell were gonna be after me, yeah.” He glanced over to his roommate. “I don’t wanna put anyone in danger.”

“You aren’t.” Crowley was looking at the floor, elbows leaned onto his knees, hands folded. “You’re being a kid that’s doing something they love. Hastur and old wank-wings are the ones putting people in danger.”

Aziraphale frowned, the picture of disapproval, although Adam started laughing as soon as his brain had caught up with his ears and processed ‘wank-wings’. “Crowley, I’m not any more enthusiastic about Michael than you are, but really, that nickname.” He sniffed. “It’s unbecoming.”

“Of who?”

“Hm.” Gently, Aziraphale took Adam’s phone and set it on the nightstand. He didn’t bother to plug it in, but it made the little sound it did when it started to charge anyway. “Regardless, Adam, he’s right. Any danger is not your fault. It wouldn’t be fair to you to cut the trip short.” He pulled the covers up to Adam’s nose, practically, and, casually, as respectfully as he could, Adam pushed them back down to his chest again. “Besides, we’re here now. We can be … ah, sort of like … like, er … Help me, dear.”

“Secret agent bodyguards,” Crowley whispered enthusiastically. “Your supernatural secret service.”

Adam giggled. “You make it sound very cool, when you put it like that.”

“Whole point, innit?” The demon shrugged, grinned for a second, and then continued, “Listen, Adam, I - we - don’t know exactly what’s going on here, but we’re gonna work on it, see if we can’t figure it out. If you go back to England, you’ll have the wards we have there to protect you, but whatever those two are up to, it won’t stop that. So you might as well do what you came over here for, now we’re here, while we run interference and figure it out.”

Aziraphale looked mildly excited at the prospect. “One-to-one defense, man-on-ma - oh. Ah. Perhaps angel-on-demon.” He blanched. “That doesn’t sound very good, does it?”

Crowley was downright leering. “Depends on who you’re -”

Adam winced. “Don’t be gross. Secret service agents aren’t gross.”

“You’re eighteen, dear boy, I hardly think two consenting and sentient beings in a respectful and affectionate relatio -”

“Yeah but it’s like watching my parents get all in love,” Adam hissed. “It’s weird. Don’t.”

“You’re going to have to wear sunglasses,” Crowley said suddenly. “Secret service agents wear sunglasses. I have some extra pairs, oh, and maybe a black suit-and-tie…”

“I hardly think that will be necessary.” Aziraphale shook his head. “Although it was a bit sunny earlier today, I suppose.” He looked to Crowley, who was grinning, and coughed. “I don’t know if your sunglasses will match my coat, though, dear.”

“Nothing made after 1900 matches your coat, angel.” Still, he looked pensive. “I could get a selection tonight on my way back with a car. Stop off at Target, get you some glasses, summon Zozo, be back here in two hours.”

“Perhaps leave the shopping bit out. The sooner you’re back, the better.” 

Crowley looked a little downcast at that, but he stood up anyway. Before he turned to leave, he looked to Adam imperiously. “You’d better be asleep by the time I get back. You’re getting up at eight.”

Adam snorted. “Okay, Mom.” Crowley made a face at him, which he returned, and for a second it was almost like he wasn’t in mortal danger again. Then the demon left, slipping out of the motel room and into the night. Adam rustled around under the covers a little, trying to find a comfortable position in the new silence, the little room filled only with the buzzing of the air conditioning unit. After a time, he sighed.

“Yes?” Aziraphale looked up from his book - where had he found a book? Oh, it was Meteorology and Severe Weather, Second Ed., out of Lucky’s stuff - and frowned at Adam, radiating concern as well as a soft golden light from his halo. “Are you having trouble sleeping?”

“Dunno how I’m supposed to just go to sleep, when someone might be trying to kill me.” He sighed. “I know you’re here, and it’s great, really, and I’m tired, but I just can’t get to sleep.”

“Of course. That’s very reasonable.” He closed the cover of the book, keeping one finger tucked into the pages to mark his place. “I have something that could help, if you’d like.”

Adam shook his head back and forth emphatically. “No. No miracles.”

“That was not what I was going to offer. I know how you feel about miracles in situations like this, Adam.” He rustled his free hand around in a pocket, and produced a little white-and-blue pill bottle. “No, what I do have here is some nice, good, old-fashioned Nytol.”

“Oh.” Adam suspected there might have been some kind of miraculous component behind the appearance of the Nytol, but after years of hanging around Aziraphale and Crowley, he’d learned that most of the time when they pulled something out of the ether, it had existed somewhere real previously, and had just happened to get pulled through whatever little hole in space-time angels and demons sent stuff through. Which, somehow, made the Nytol in Aziraphale’s hand alright. “Yeah, I’ll take one.”

“Let me get you a cup of water.”

--

While Aziraphale was putting Adam to bed, Crowley was out for a walk in Kansas City. When the boys had called, he and Aziraphale had parked the 4-Runner in a Wal-Mart parking lot, the better to leave it unharassed until they could get back to it or otherwise sort out what they were going to do next. They hadn’t been far, what with their entire goal being keeping an eye on Adam, and so Crowley walked, hands in his pockets, deep in thought, turning over what Adam and Lucky had said about the day.

He wondered if they sold chalk at Wal-Mart, and immediately chided himself for even thinking such a thing. Of course they did. Probably had it next to the rifles, or something. This was America, after all.

So lost in his thoughts was Crowley, that when he walked past a plain brown sedan parked outside of Adam and Lucky’s motel, and he felt a wave of Holy power, he paid it no mind. Probably, his subconscious brain reasoned, just some residual energy leftover from Aziraphale appearing there - it certainly wasn’t enough to be an avenging Archangel or anything else of consequence. It might even have been a human offering up a particularly heartfelt prayer, if they were faithful enough. He shooed the thought from his mind and walked on, past the car, and didn’t notice the thin man dressed in all brown sitting in the driver’s seat, watching him go over the top of his book.

In the car, Raziel made a note in a little spiral notebook he’d set in the center console, smiled, and returned to his reading.

-

Now with Chapter 13!

[taaroko]

Post-IW MCU Rewatch: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Here we go, Winter Soldier. I somehow never watch this one outside of marathons, even though I know it’s amazing. 

ON YOUR LEFT

Steve and Nat’s friendship is awesome. I love how invested she is in his love life and how confused he is by that.

“Well, all the guys from my barbershop quartet are dead, so no, not really.” I’m still trying to figure out how to define Steve’s sense of humor. It’s like quiet, deadpan understatement? I guess? I love it.

That shield looks pretty dingy, Cap. Could do with a wash.

There’s a really random sting in the score when Nat attacks a dude, and for a second you think it’s going to be a kinda retro spy score, but then it’s just over. Weird.

Steve has by now adjusted quite well to being a part of modern tactical missions, if less so to being a part of modern everyday life.

This French pirate dude really likes his unnecessary acrobatics.

Bonus points to Cap for doing trash talk in French.

One of the best parts about Steve and Nat’s friendship is how seamlessly they work together in battle. Whenever there’s something dangerous (especially explosions) on the way, she hunkers down or grabs onto him and lets him and his shield do the work, and they don’t even have to signal each other.

“Last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye.” Oooooh I wonder if that has anything to do with the Skrulls in Captain Marvel. Can’t wait to find out.

“I thought the punishment usually came after the crime.” “By holding a gun to everyone on earth and calling it protection.” “This isn’t freedom. This is fear.” Cap is not down with your surveillance state or pre-crime nonsense.

I love the awed little kid who spots him. So cute.

*pauses on Bucky’s memorial* “When Bucky Barnes first met Steve Rogers on the playgrounds of Brooklyn, little did he know that he was forging a bond that would take him to the battlefields of Europe and beyond. Born in 1916, Barnes grew up the oldest child of four. An excellent athlete who also excelled in the classroom, Barnes enlisted in the Army shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor. After winter training at Camp McCoy, Wisconsin, Barnes and the rest of the 107th shipped out to the Italian front. Captured by Hydra troops later that fall, Barnes endured long periods of isolation, depravation, and torture. But his will was strong. In an ironic twist of fate, his prison camp was liberated by none other than his childhood friend, Steve Rogers, now Captain America. Reunited, Barnes and Rogers led Captain America’s newly formed unit, the Howling Commandos. Barnes’s marksmanship was invaluable as Rogers and his team destroyed Hydra bases and disrupted Nazi troop movements throughout the European Theater.

Wait a second. Up top, the thing says he was born in 1916, but at the bottom, it says he lived from 1917-1944. Wow. Nice continuity there, guy in charge of putting words and numbers on a single pane of glass.

Peggy! “He saved over a thousand men, including the man who would become my husband.” Yes and that man was Daniel Sousa. Oh hey, photos of Peggy with her kids! She had at least one son and one daughter. It’s hard to tell if the girl with her in the first picture is the same one as in the second picture.

The effect to make Hayley look old isn’t nearly as good as the effect to make Chris look skinny. It’s rather off-putting, actually. But oh man her dementia is so heartbreaking. “Well I couldn’t leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance.” *sobbing*

“What makes you happy?” “I don’t know.” *more sobbing* Everything that made Steve happy is seventy years gone. Steve is never not sad. No wonder he refuses to compromise for a second when it comes to Bucky.

The attack on Fury’s car is so nerve-wracking and he handles it so well. I wonder if Sam Jackson imagined he was going to get so much cool stuff to do in this role when he agreed to be in the end credits stinger of Iron Man.

The Winter Soldier’s introduction is masterful.

So...Fury pretty much got out of that by using his lightsaber. :D

Hi Sharon! This is some cute flirting.

“My wife kicked me out.” Was it because you insisted on taking your super-suit out for some daring do?

There it is. That Winter Soldier music. *shiver*

I totally bought Fury’s death when I saw this in theaters. Not sad that it turned out to be a ruse (I will never be sad about Marvel pulling character death-related punches), but I do think those bullet wounds were a little too convincing.

“To build a really better world sometimes means having to tear the old one down.” Heh. Except Cap is going to be tearing down your “better” world and standing up for the best parts of the old one.

Elevator fight! I love how observant Steve is. He’s always been that way. Just quietly taking in everything around him and putting it together. He’s brilliant. And then “It kinda feels personal.” Bahaha.

So if Steve falls a couple hundred feet and lands on his shield, it absorbs the impact ‘cause it’s vibranium?

Holy crap he took down a quinjet with just his shield.

I am not a fan of Nat’s straight hair in this one, especially with that center part. But it’s still better than how it looks in Infinity War. Especially the eyebrows.

Undercover engaged hipster couple Steve/Nat is so great. Steve is so bad at it and it’s adorable.

“Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.” “Yes, they do.”

I love Nat putting her feet on the dash.

There’s no way Nat didn’t know who Peggy Carter was. She asked Steve to gage his reaction.

They are pretty far underground, in a bunker. How did the missile even affect them? Did they make a special chute for the missile to go into in case they needed to blow up the base? Doesn’t look like it.

The design for Zola’s computer face is effectively creepy.

Hydra’s plan is so insidious and horrifying. Screw up the world on purpose until people want to trade their privacy and freedom for security.

That’s a really pathetic amount of milk Pierce poured himself. Like two inches in a really tall glass. Weird.

So...I guess Sam has a straightener. For some reason. Why couldn’t they have just let Nat’s hair stay wavy?

Steve is so sweet with Nat. She’s numbly horrified that she might’ve been working for the bad guys this whole time and he’s all nice and reassuring. Aww.

Senator Stern arranging for a young prostitute with Sitwell is gross.

Nat: *kicks a guy off the roof* *immediately transitions to asking Steve about girls he could be asking out*

Okay how does Sam have access to military equipment like his wing pack when he’s not on active duty?

STEPHEN STRANGE. How is he already on Hydra’s radar? There’s no way Zola’s algorithm accounts for magic, and even if it does, how can it possibly predict that he’d become a master of it several years down the line? It’s not like he was dabbling in it in his surgeon days. That came about as the result of a freak car accident! Pfft. They clearly only threw that reference in there to get people freaking out about a possible future Doctor Strange movie. 

Bye Sitwell.

Hehe, as soon as the Winter Soldier shows up, Nat crawls into Steve’s lap ‘cause she knows he’s gonna have to make an insane exit and she will be PREPARED.

Okay I never noticed that Bucky ripped the freaking steering wheel out.

Gah, Steve getting tossed off the bridge and into the bus looks so incredibly painful.

So Bucky has now shot Nat twice. (I still ship it.)

There are some excellent kicks and knife fighting moves in this showdown. And the way the music ramps up is hair-raising.

I hate Runlow so much.

Maria is awesome.

Um, hi, Joe Russo. He plays Fury’s doctor! Dang! No role for Anthony, though.

“I’m with you to the end of the line.”

Yesss. Vintage Cap. And the shield is clean now! Symbolism!

HI DANNY PUDI. (Apparently Alison Brie was going to be Sharon Carter, but she had scheduling conflicts.)

I love this brave curly-haired kid. This is courage. He has no power and he’s so scared he might wet himself, but he will not launch those helicarriers even with a gun to his head.

Shouldn’t have helped SHIELD with that repulsor tech, Tony.

Okay, I guess Steve can tuck and roll to land a fifty foot drop without using the shield.

These helicarriers store their data in a really strange way.

“We’re the only air support Captain Rogers has got!” *all immediately get shot down and blown up by the Winter Soldier* Whoops.

I wonder if we’re gonna find out more about Bogota in Captain Marvel.

STEVE IS A CRAZY PERSON. You do not jump before you know you have your ride!

It’s a good thing Bucky neither knew nor cared what that data blade was.

I’d love to read a fic that’s just Steve and Thor sitting around talking about all the times Bucky and Loki have shot and/or stabbed them.

Sam has the correct reaction to Runlow’s nonsense.

Why is Jeremy Irons on the list of targets? I wish they’d put more Easter eggs in here, like the names of the Netflix Marvel characters and the Agents of Shield characters. It would’ve been an extremely unobtrusive way for the movies to reference the shows, instead of it always being one-sided.

It’s a good thing they were planning on firing after the count of 3, not on the count of 3.

Steve, you really need to work on your attitude towards exit strategies.

HOW did Runlow survive that?!

Steve would rather Bucky kill him than live in a world where Bucky can’t be saved. And that’s what saves Bucky. *wibble*

“On your left.” Bahaha.

Hi Pietro and Wanda!

Winter Soldier is awesome. I love a well-earned, narratively consistent game changer. One thing I definitely did not expect the MCU to do back then was buck the status quo, but they did it in a huge way, and they did it extremely effectively. I was deeply impressed. And it still holds up even looking back now. The way they tackle the issue of surveillance is very effective. Probably the best thing about this movie is that they realized that Steve Rogers was not going to work as a character if he adapted too much to modern times. Instead, they derived much of their conflict from the disconnect between Steve and his surroundings, and they added a deeply emotional connection at the core of it. Steve ultimately succeeds against Hydra and in getting through to Bucky by shedding his modern trappings and affiliations and going back to what he always was, complete with the old outfit and the shiny clean shield. Steve Rogers reminds us of the ideals America is supposed to stand for. Freedom, justice, honor, and truth. He makes us want to be more like that. Take a note, DC; this is the kind of thing you should’ve been doing with Superman. This is how you make a paragon character we can still be deeply invested in even as we look up to him. (They did a pretty good job with Diana, but the real test will be how she adapts in a more modern stand-alone film.)

Another great thing about this is that they kind of dumped all the side characters from Avengers into Steve’s story. As the First Avenger and as a man out of time, this a brilliant way to give him a new supporting cast without it being jarring and forcing us to spend a ton of time getting to know everyone. We already know Fury, Nat, and Maria and like them, so we’re perfectly prepared to watch them being awesome without feeling like it takes something away from Steve. We know the World Security Council. We know SHIELD. And then there’s Peggy, the Smithsonian exhibit, and Bucky that are all from Steve’s time. It’s a very solid foundation onto which we can add Sam, Sharon, Pierce, and Runlow. It just works so well. And Hydra manages to be even more frightening as an evil organization than it was in the first movie, when it was honestly kind of silly. (So many bonus points for how that played out in Agents of SHIELD, too. As far as I’m concerned, that was when the show finally got good, and it has steadily gotten better since.)

[outinthewastes]

Diary Part 2

A sequel to Part One, which I put up earlier this morning

April 18th

Working with Krow is... challenging. He's whiny and petulant but also overeager to please. He constantly needs to be told he's doing a good job. I've been tempted to hit him just to get him to shut up when he repeatedly asks how he's doing.

He is doing an okay job, but good god man. Good god, shut up. I am not your father figure or friend or lover or whatever it is he wants from me. Get your validation elsewhere.

It's especially hard to not become violent when he gets on the topic of women. I wouldn't call myself a feminist, but jesus lord, just listening to him is really swaying me to the cause. Disgusting little wretched man. He's in here for good reason.

He thinks I'm going to help him escape, too.

I don't know what I'm going to do when the time comes, but there's no way I could, in good conscience, allow him to escape with me. I may have to do something drastic.

Somehow I don't think Jacob will disagree.

Well, I've got time to consider this. It's going to take us a while more to collect enough stuff for this. I am not, by nature, a patient man, but I will have to just deal with it.

June 20th

It has taken, seemingly, a lifetime to finally assemble enough packages for this operation. An agonizing process slowed by the fact that we only get a few hours of free time a day, and the guards are constantly flipping random cells for contraband. I almost got caught a few times.

Someone carved this scary looking face into the wall behind my pillow long before I got here. So, I slowly chipped away at it myself until the drywall came loose. Behind that I carved another small hole. Not very big, but big enough to hide things. And the little mouth shaped drywall I could place back and no one could hardly tell what I'd done. Not without really looking it over. And the guards aren't THAT thorough.

Almost ready.

July 5th

We've planted the packages at key points throughout the facility. Well. the parts we have access to.

Tonight's the night.

July 7th

A lot went down yesterday. Where to even start.

Jacob betrayed me. Sold me out. Good thing I never fully let him in on the plans, so he didn't know where all the bombs were. Never fully trusted him, anyway. Still, hate to have that distrust validated.

I didn't expect Phineas to come through at all. I hate the idea of owing him anything. I hope I never see him again.

Krow's dead. Big loss. Was still a bit traumatizing to see. He probably deserved it, but... I don't know. I think the thing that bothered me the most about Krow was how similar we were. We both had the same fucked up childhood. Isolated, domineering mothers, unpopular in school. Maybe he was just born broken or something, though. It would never have occurred to me to hurt anyone. Not like that. I guess I should stop thinking about it. If only I could...

The man who rescued us. I knew him. He was that agent that hassled me in my lab. before. Before... That thing I did. I thought he was a government agent. But apparently not.

We've flown out to Virginia. I would like to crawl into a nice bed and sleep for a week. but first I would like to have a shower that lasts about two days.

July 14th

Met with intimidating smoke man's boss. Smoke man's name is Abel. Boss's name is Thanatos. No, really.

My grandfather. They didn't want me, they want my grandfather. Like I fucking know anything about the dude. But they want to sneak me into Chicago to see him. I guess they think he'll see me and do as they say out of familial nostalgia? Heh, wrong family for that, man. If he gave a shit about me at all he wouldn't have left me alone all those years with Gloria. Wouldn't have ruined the family name by being a big psycho. Well, whatever, they're paying me enough. It's just one night out of my life. He's probably not even alive anymore. How could he possibly be?

Oh!

Most importantly. I can't believe it. I saw Laurence. He was sitting outside the building when I finished up my meeting.  Was he just there by coincidence or was he waiting for me? It was interesting talking to him again. We fell back into the same kinda... roles. the same brotherly bond. Joking and teasing. Talking about movies and music. We didn't really talk at all about what we'd been doing these past decades. It was like we didn't need to. We're just in tune with each other.

This is the best I've felt in a very long time.

We went to a close by diner. He had some big nasty sandwich and I had a big plate of fries and he made fun of how I eat and it was just so nice. I really missed him. I knew I did, but I didn't realize how much. It was like there was a part of me missing for a long time. I think things are looking up! Surprisingly enough! He works for Thanatos. Maybe all this shit was almost worth it... heh. Nah. That's crazy.

We exchanged numbers. I'll have to call him when I get back in town.

July 19th

I don't know.

I don't know what to think.

August 22nd

I mean where do I even...

Opa was alive. Sort of. I think he did something to himself so he wouldn't die in that place. I don't think he's human anymore. That city was awful. Caked with fungus. Moist and slimy, shit floating in the air. Hard to breathe through that mask.

And Orville. The things he did. He made me do.

I don't even know what to write about any of it. I don't know who to talk to. No one would understand. Those kids. They were just kids. Why would he make me do that? Every time I think about them I'm just flooded with all these intense memories. They aren't mine. And I can't make sense of them. They're just rattling around in my head contradicting each other and I really shouldn't know what it's like to have a period or learn to drive stick or grow up black or have sex with a man... or all these things. And I still don't because I can't process these memories!! It's like a movie I'm watching but I can't look away and also I'm IN IT but NOT IN IT, and the more I try to think about it the more I feel horrible and wrong and if I don't stop I'm going to throw up some more and I've been doing that enough today. And APPARENTLY I'm not real, I mean, like, everything in my life is just weird fake bullshit, grown in a lab, my entire destiny guided by a madman. I don't know!!

I wish I could still drink. Would it really be so bad? I could just... one time. Or perhaps some weed would be the better choice. It might make it worse, though... Aghfffk

Thanatos and Abel can go to hell. I don't care how much they paid me. It wasn't worth it. One last meeting and they can fuck off forever.

I feel ruined.

August 24th

Got the meeting over with. Got the rest of my payment. Look who's a millionaire now, it's this boy. Well. I was already one. But. Now I'm double one. ha ha. Whatever.

I don't feel as bad today as I did yesterday, but I'm still pretty pissed off about his whole rotten year. Met an interesting girl. More on that later.

In lieu of my grandfather they're now targeting some guy I don't know at all, so I'm off the hook. Although...

Opa said something about that man being responsible for my father's death. Which is intriguing. I'd always assumed my mother drove him to kill himself. She almost drove me there a few times, so, you know, it fit. But.

So now I can't stop thinking about this guy. I'm obsessing. I know, it's stupid. I should let it go. But I can't.

Oh.

Laurence screamed at me. I forgot how mad he gets... Can't say I didn't deserve it...

We were at his house. We did actually do the catching up thing this time. Everything about this time felt weirder, awkward. He seemed testy at me from the start. Now I know why. He found out about Janet and me. His sister. He thinks I abandoned my kid, Janet abandoned ME. But I don't want to argue with him about it... But she's the one who left...

Now I'm definitely feeling that decade long gulf between us. Sucks.

[bsd-hq-writer]

Sentence 1 for List 11 with Kageyama? With his female childhood friend? ^^ (Haikyuu!!)

 IM SO SORRY WE HAVEN’T BEEN POSTING LATELY BUT I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THIS ONE! And I got a bit carried away hehe

~

You had known Kageyama for so long, you could always tell what he was thinking or what he’d do. You just knew him.

… Or so you thought.

Lately he had started acting overprotective, jealous and sometimes just downright mean to you. He was being more invasive then he usually was and it hard to deal with that. You figured, you should actually stop dealing with it. You went to confront him instead.

Seeking him after school, you ran over your head all that you wanted to see him. You quickly spotted him over by getabako, the shelf at the school entrance where students placed their shoes. You stopped him before he could turn away from it.

“You listen to me right now.” You said, right out, which startled him. You weren’t normally that forceful, but you figured, drastic situations… “I don’t know you like this, Tobio-kun. I really don’t. And I also don’t know what’s going on with you, but this… this isn’t my friend. I honesly don’t think I can call you that when all you do is put me in this… bubble and keep me hidding from the entire world while also ocassionally taking shots at me yourself. You could’ve talked to me, you know that, right? I’m supposed to be your friend.”

Your eyes stared at Kageyama as he avoided your gaze. His whole body screamed to be screaming “I WANT TO RUN AWAY!”. You had never seen him like that before and deep inside, it scared the hell out of you. You were afraid you’d lose him. But Kageyama stayed silent, not opening his mouth to say one word.

“You won’t answer?“ You tugged at his shirt sleeve. “You’re just letting me walk away? After everything…”

“Just go home.” You heard a faint mumbled, but you couldn’t make out the words.

“Speak to me!” You pleaded, your eyes burning with the threat of tears.

“Just, go, home!” Kageyama yelled out, hands bawled into fists. 

In shock, you stood there in front of him paralyzed. Those words where like the final blow on the stack stabbing your heart. It made it shattered, and you felt it. 

You faced Kageyama, making him look you eye to eye. “Fine!” You answered. “Just don’t come crawling back to me when you’re feelings needy or you regret anything. I’m done with you, honestly.”

It was quite a scene, you imagined. As you left the school grounds, you noticed the people around you who had been watching.

“What?“ You screamed, angry, “Never seen friends fight before? GO AHEAD AND TAKE FUCKING PICTURES IF YOU WANT! I don’t really care.”

–

The fight had taken place weeks ago and neither of you had talked to each other in the mean time. Of course, you were as careful as possible. You even avoided looking at him, cause everything you did, it hurt like hell. But you acted like you didn’t have a heart anymore. Sometimes, that’s what it actually felt like to you. And the phrase ‘friends can break your heart too’ had never carried more meaning. 

Things remained the same until one day. One day where you found ourself actually searching for Kageyama at school, because he hadn’t showed up all day. 

You tried asking Hinata, his friend at the volleyball club.

“Not that I miss him or anything…” You tried to come up with an excuse. “But our teacher asked me to see what was up with him, since he used to be friends and all.”

Hinata had a suspicious look on his face but he answered your question, shrugging. “I have no idea what Bakayama is up to now. But he was acting a bit weird at our last practice.”

“How weird?“ You inquired, his words peeking at your curiosity.

“He’s usually really focused but yesterday, he spaced out a lot. He even took some balls to his face.” He answered. “Most of them were my fault… All of them, actually. But it was really weird, I’d never seen him like that before.”

–

The next day, Kageyama arrived in class. Instead of taking his usual seat, he walked right up to you.

“I need to talk to you.” He simply said.

“Classes are starting soon, Kageyama.” You replied, looking ahead. “We don’t have time to talk.”

“At break then.” He had barely let you finish. “I don’t care when, as long as we get to talk today.”

You breathed in deeply before sighing. “Fine. At break.”

Kageyama nodded and went to sit by the wall with all the windows. Your eyes followed him as you kept thinking about what Hinata had told you before. Kageyama’s behaviour seemed to have changed yet again, and it was twice now that you didn’t know why. You hoped that’s what he was wanted to talk to you about.

Concentrating was hard, with all the anxiety building up inside you. You managed to held out until the bell rung. Kageyama quickly stood up. He reached for you arm, our of habit you guessed. But then, he stopped himself.

“Somewhere private.” He mumbled. “Near the gym, no one goes there at this time.”

Following him, you felt your heartbeat steadily increasing. The tension was killing you! Kageyama stopped in front of the gym doors, and waited for you to stop as well before speaking.

“I was… a dickhead.” He laughed at himself. “And it was because I had some feelings I didn’t know how to deal with, it’s why I skipped school yesterday. I stayed home and talked to my mom about everything. It was the first time I ever actually asked and took advice from her. This is really hard for me to say, cause I’ve never said it before… I’m… I’m so-rrrrrrrie… so-soft. I’m sordt- Shit.”

You did know Kageyama had trouble sometimes complimenting other people. And… with saying he was sorry.

“Kageyama…” You whispered. “Are you trying to apologize?“

Your old friend nodded, timidly. “I suck at this.”

A smile creeped on your face. “I know. Go on.”

“Eh…” Kageyama’s face grew redder. “I don’t need an answer to this or anything. I just need to explain it to you. Cause those… feelings I had. They were for you. But I didn’t know what they were, so I got frustrated. And I got… that way. I realized why a couple of days after our big… big fight. I still didn’t know how to deal with the fact… the fact that I like you. Love you, actually.” By that point, he had already been looking down at his feet. “And I know it doesn’t excuse anything I did, but it’s an explanation. Which, is the least I owed you I think. All of my agressiveness was just me… Well. I was kinda hoping that you’d, y’know… fall in love with me.”

“You know that I’d never ever fall for you like that, right?“ You questioned, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off of you.

“I do.” He nodded again.

“But…” You continued. “I like you before that.”

Your words made Kageyama’s head shoot up to face you. “WHAT?”

“I couldn’t just tell my best friend, ‘hey, i love you’. I was terrified!” You replied, laughing at yourself like Kageyama had done with himself earlier. “And then you went and did all this bullshit… You crushed me, you know. I really did think I was done with you forever.”

“Wait, so you’r-” You interrupted him.

“OF COURSE NOT!” You knew what he was going to say. “I’m never done with you, especially when you act like this when trying to apologize.”

The boy just stared at you in awe, and an open mouth. A scene that would be just a random memory that you’d remember forever. 

“Are you going to kiss me or will your brain blow up?“ You questioned, an innocent mocking tone resonating. 

“I think the latter.” Kageyama replied.

You rolled your eyes. “Oh c’mon!”

Resting both hands on his cheeks, you brought his face closed to your and then your lips met. The warm feelings spread through your body, making your heart thump.

“Never pulled anything like this with me again.” You said, eyes closed and forehead on his. “Deal?“

Kageyama nodded, ever so slightely. “Deal.”

~Admin Laura