#something about sad men going to therapy does stuff to me

[reallyromealone]

i want to request a part 2 to the bonten cheating on reader for a 2nd time where the reader leaves them. it can either be angst or not. whatever you choose i just want to see any ending because it was really good 😭. just to refresh your memory of which one i’m talking about the ending says “if you actually mean it were al going to therapy” or something along those lines. Thank you

Fun fact, I couldn't find this fic for like five minutes till I went to my notes where I write and realized it was an event lmao

(name) sat on a chair as his alphas sat on the couches away from him, the therapist calm and collected as they stared at the large pack "we can start whenever you're ready"

"They lied and cheated and betrayed my trust" (name) said bluntly, arms crossed and not even looking at his mates "they broke the basic rule of our relationship not once but twice"

"I gave them an ultimatum, come here to therapy so we can figure out why they can't keep their dicks where they belong or I leave" (name) said seething, his ring finger bare and scent patches on his neck.

"I see, well thank you for sharing (name), I understand how this can be difficult for you" the therapist said calmly and turned to the alphas "and how are you all feeling about the situation" they asked calmly and Bonten was silent, not wanting to talk to the therapist but when (name) gave them a look to say 'fucking try me' Kakucho was the first to open up "It feels like shit"

"Could you elaborate?"

"We know we did something fucking awful, not once but twice" he said softly "we didn't deserve the first forgiveness and we definitely don't deserve this, I am honestly surprised (name) didn't go full no contact with us...he's not even staying with us anymore"

"I see, do any of you wish to share anything you feel? Remember this is a judgment free space and confidential"

Besides Kakucho, the rest of Bonten were pretty tight lipped about their feelings and after five minutes of silence (name) sighed annoyed "well this was fun, maybe next session you guys can learn the gravity of this"

Last night (name) learned something... Terrifying.

He was pregnant.

Somewhere between the first apology and the second affair (name) got pregnant and he desperately wanted his kid to know their dads but he didn't want them to betray the pup like they did (name).

He wouldn't allow it.

Bonten felt like shit but it wasn't easy for them to open up in any capacity, their entire jobs revolved around secrets!

But (name) wasn't a job.

He was their mate.

And he deserved better.

Chifuyu was gentle with his brother, the beta wanted nothing more than to beat their asses for what they did.

But sadly this was his brother's battle.

He was on (name)s side of just leaving them but they both knew it wouldn't be that easy, they were territorial and possessive alphas after all.

But that didn't stop him, kazutora and Baji from putting together a crib and such, the three having two spare rooms as they shared one.

The two were surprisingly excited at the concept of (name) staying with them even if for sad circumstances.

"I feel like I don't deserve him" Koko said simply, hands in his lap as he continued "seriously, were awful people and he puts up with our bullshit and does shit we don't deserve without any complaints! I don't know what god we sucked off in a past life to get this lucky"

The other men made sounds of agreement as (name) sat in silence, letting them continue "he's dealt with us at our ugliest and still gave us a chance, hell he sacrificed everything for us"

"And we took it for granted" Mikey spoke up, having been silent the entire session.

"My family would be ashamed of me" the tired blond said simply.

(Name) was pleased they were talking about this, actually making an effort.

The next few sessions were separate, each person getting to talk about stuff one on one to the therapist and actually learning to work through things.

"I have something to tell you guys" (name) said softly, sitting the men down after a therapy session and they could see the nervousness on (name) "i-im pregnant" (name) said practically shaking as the men sat in silence.

"When did you find out?"

"A week after you guys cheated the second time" (name) said staring at his hands and Bonten felt their heart break, they really didn't fucking deserve him and they knew he was probably debating on even telling them.

They should have been angry but the therapy made them understand that (name) didn't trust them at all anymore.

It also helped them understand their feelings and that there's serious shit they need to work on.

"If... If you guys improve by the ninth month... I will consider moving back here"

(Name) would be a dirty liar if he said he didn't miss the touch of his mates, cuddles and sleepy hugs.

But he wasn't a fool and he wasn't going to forgive them like that.

But he wanted what's best for his pup.

"We promise--we will do our best to be good enough for you"

[fanaticsnail]

Update on what's going on in the Snail Household

If you're just new to my account, you'd likely not know that chef-husband (how I refer to my husband here) had broken his shoulder in late January, had complications in recovery, had been off work for nearly 5 months to nurse the injury back to health.

I'll put the update under a break here to not take up too much space on your device. If you take the time out of your day to read here, I love you 🖤

He has returned to work now, which is amazing. His apprentices and coworkers had missed him so much, and he is so glad to be back. He is attending some physio appointments and rehabilitative therapies to regain strength - and he is doing very well. I'm so proud of him.

The two breaks were within his armpit, the bone where the socket meets the join. There are also several debris still in there and his ligaments are still very tender from splitting them and the cartilage apart on impact. The injury happened at work, so every medical expense has been covered by his workplace.

While he has enjoyed being back at work, he has been missing home time with Young-Sir & Dottir-Bean (my 4yo & 3yo) and they have been missing their dad when he goes - especially my son when he does the night shift.

I am very proud of him for returning to work, but I do miss him at home too. Very selfish of me to love my husband so much to want him home. 11 years of relationship, almost 9 years of marriage, and he's still my best friend and love of my life. Something about tall men with broad shoulders, who are kind and compassionate, who smoke to cope with stresses at work...

Now that I've said all that, here's a little going on with me, currently.

I am recovering from the flu right now, still all gross and foggy and blocked nosey. The kids have had it and it's always my turn to get it last. It's gross, and I am surviving on black coffee, honey and lemon tea, paracetamol, and numbing throat lozenges.

Now for the uncomfy stuff.

I've had to say goodbye to a friendship of 15 years with someone who, once upon a time, was very important to me. He wrote me a handwritten letter that hurt me very deeply and came across a little yandere. It made me very uncomfortable reading it. Yandere belongs in books fanfiction, not in real life.

The letter was given to me at the Star Wars themed wedding I attended on May the 4th - which I think I posted here in response to an ask from @mfreedomstuff: which I appreciate all the time, love.

I have been speaking to my extended family, and a few mutuals on here have been reassuring me that ending the friendship was the right thing to do. It was sad and I've been having a lot of anger about it that I'm working through.

This is what's been going on for the month of May, alongside finding out one of our prettier chickens was actually a rooster in disguise. He's going to make the most beautiful chicks with our hens - particularly our Araucana. Gonna get a Black Copper Marans Hen one of these days if it's the last thing I do 😤👌.

If you've made it to here, thank you so much for reading. I'll get right back into writing some content for you. Just thought I'd share a little about my personal life here to give you a glimpse into what's going on with me (and why I've been writing so much this month: to deal with all this).

Writing and this community has been such a beautiful aspect of my life, and I have enjoyed getting to know you on here. Even though I am just a snail on here, this part of my life has been so much sunshine amongst the dreary. Love you all, and I'll get right back into the writing soon.

[starlightshadowsworld]

Sorry if I ended up spamming your notifs but I looked through your dashboard cuz of that Fukuzawa post- how he could feel the bond snapping if the people he consider his subordinates died, and... never in my life have I considered that bond could've applied to Fukuchi when the guy left---

(But then it crossed my mind as I write this that idk if it's fortunate or devastating for Fukuzawa if something life-threatening happened to Ranpo because Ranpo doesn't have an ability that bonded with All Men Are Equal.)

Anyways, I love your post about Atsushi being in the mafia as part of the exchange cuz I love seeing Mori suffer.

I always define Atsushi as "light in the darkness" because in Beast, that's how he was for Kyouka (he'll always be her light).

Sorry for rambling, I should've sent you this as a message but idk if you'd feel comfy about some random acc popping in your inbox.

First off, ramble away.

I love having discussions and stuff about the stuff I talk about.

You're good, I don't mind. If you or someone else was spamming my inbox, I'd let ya know.

I do generally prefer people message me thro the asks, especially if I don't know you.

That aside and onto ur message.

I just can't get over that line of Fukuzawa saying he'd know if Kunikida had died.

That in some way he would've felt it. And I see it as a connection, as an almost physical bond between them that would've been cut.

And the idea of his connection with Fukuchi breaking. What was possibly one of the oldest connections Fukuzawa had, dissolving over time.

Fukuzawa trying to hold onto it because he still sees him as his friend. But it's broken and there's nothing he can do to get it back.

And it being so sad because Fukuzawa is used to these bonds breaking at death, but Fukuchi was lost to him long before he died.

I didn't think about Ranpo.

I think Fukuzawa sees it as both a blessing and a curse that he can't feel if Ranpo is okay.

But it's a testament to their bond that it isn't required. They trust each other so much, that it's like a sixth sense for Fukuzawa to know what Ranpo's up too.

While also knowing that if he wasn't grey before he met Ranpo, he would've definitely gone grey after meeting him.

Agreed.

Atsushi is the beast beneath the moonlight. He is the literal light in the darkness.

The idea of Kyouka envisioning the light with Atsushi as a apart of that, is gonna make me cry I love them both.

Atsushi in the Port Mafia to me is Mori being like I'm gonna corrupt you and Atsushi's like power of friendship motherfucker.

Atsushi won't go to therapy but you bet your ass he's giving everyone in the Port Mafia therapy.

Atsushi met Mori as werid ex doctor who gave him good but advice once. I think he'd be a bit... Skeptical this man is the head of the Port Mafia.

I think he'd listen to him but would think through and use that advice while following his own morals.

Like he did before.

Which is infuriating and fascinating to Mori because clearly Atsushi gets where he's coming from... He just won't do it.

Quite a juxtaposition from everyone else in the Port Mafia follows Mori without question.

But Atsushi does not.

I love the idea of his interactions with Mori are him being mostly maliciously compliant.

Like he's not outright doing something wrong but he's still pissing him off.

Something Dazai and Kunikida would've definitely taught him.

Like Mori's going on a whole spiel and Atsushi is just colouring on the floor with Elise paying him no attention.

And Mori can't say anything because Elise is so happy so he's just silently seething.

That whole Anne's Room episode and seeing these two interact for the first time, with Atsushi not knowing Mori's identity

Is just so intresting to me. More interactions between them is something I want.

That and I'd be curious to see if there was any information to do with the Port Mafia getting the bounty for Atsushi from the Guild and Fyodor.

Because yeah it could've just been for the reward, but was there more to it than that?

Or if the Headmaster had connections to the Port Mafia.

Because however small it may be, the Headmaster still made contact with the Port Mafia to sell a gun.

He's not from the area, but somehow arranged a meeting with them.

And in my opinion died very suspiciously.

I mean I personally hc that the injections the Headmaster was giving Atsushi were obtained from Mori when he was an underground doctor.

Whether that's true or not, idk but it would be intresting if Mori knew more about Atsushi than we realise.

But yeah that's just some of my thoughts.

[rrcenic]

dead poets society as things my friends/family have said

huge trigger warning for discussion of suicide

-

neil: fuck fuck fuck

todd: what’s wrong?

neil: my workload was too much so i switched from honors algebra 2 to regular algebra 2 and i don’t know how to tell my dad

todd: you’re still two years ahead in math though

neil: yeah but my dad gets so mad when i don’t take every academic opportunity i can

todd: dude you just got out of the psych ward. i think he’ll understand!

neil: hhhhngg

-

neil: bro i didn’t even realize i had daddy issues til i became unnaturally infatuated with my english teacher

-

cameron: greetings fellow fraternity males. i am not working for your landlord and i simply want to hang out with fellow “dudes.” on an unrelated note are any of you in possession of illegal drugs and/or alcohol?

knox: yeah check under the chair

cameron: alright “broski” i will be simply taking photos of this not for reporting reasons and for personal reasons

pitts: do you have like a fetish or something

cameron: yes um a fetish i am not working for your landlord

-

todd: oh he’s so pretty! it’s so sad that he killed himself

todd: i mean obviously because like. killing yourself is never the answer

todd: but mainly because he was so pretty!!

-

charlie: i call this poem “every day i wake up and dream of olive garden”

-

meeks: this is literally the most autistic group i’ve ever been in and i love it

neil: oh i’m neurodivergent in many ways but the ‘tisim is surprisingly not one of them

-

charlie: shakespeare sucks ass

neil: i will stab you

-

neil: i can’t hang out today, i have therapy

pitts: you? therapy? but you’re so happy!

neil: …

neil: i’ve tried to kill myself like 5 times

pitts: WHAT

neil: did. did you not know that?!?!

-

knox: hey dyou wanna watch a tv show with me

neil: what’s it about?

knox: there’s lots of pretty women

neil: …

knox: …

neil: …

knox: and pretty men

neil: i’m in

-

charlie: america is fucked. our society is literally being ripped apart by capitalism. trans people are being criminalized more every day

knox: it’s not that bad

charlie: name one good thing that has happened to the trans community in the past year. i’ll wait

knox: …

knox: well um some politicians support trans people

charlie: THATS NOT ENOUGH

-

keating: *texting to the group chat* so technically since most of you are my former students i’m not allowed to be friends with you

keating: but you all rock so my excuse is we work on creative projects as a group outside of school

keating: however i can’t just chat with you when you’re bored

*that night*

todd: hey i’m really sorry for contacting you about non creative stuff but i just had a panic attack and don’t know what to do

keating: oh that bullshit? nah man you’re fine text whenever

-

cameron: charlie just gave me this plastic spoon and ran away does anyone know what it means

gloria: lucky i wish nuwanda had given ME the spoon

cameron: WHAT DOES IT MEAN

-

neil: i know what we’re gonna do after group therapy. we’re gonna have a poetry contest. we’ll call it psych ward poetry. i’m going to beat all of you with my mad poetry skills

-

meeks: oh and pooh represents… hm, i actually can’t remember

charlie: google it

meeks: yeah but we can’t have our phones

knox: hey mr mcallister? could you use your phone to google what mental illness the winnie the pooh characters represent?

mcallister: what the actual hell are you talking about

[connoisseursdecomfort]

It’s really something more than abuse.

Wow I never thought so many thought that Loid was being mean to Mr. Austin.

Here’s my two cents. This chapter is a reaction to a commonly played out, or regularly interpreted, or widely received, dynamics between married couples in Asia.

There are two main aspects of this phenomenon. Firstly, there is this historic perspective, i.e. stories of men, especially powerful ones, who were afraid of their wives. Then, there is this new phenomenon in Japan - men are becoming unwilling to go home after work, so much so they would go home at 11pm and leave the house at 7am just to minimise their time spent with their wives. This has thus been named the “too scared to go home” syndrome. 

According to the press, or the interviews, wives are complaining how their husbands are not willing to, or not capable of, helping with the housework. And the husbands think they are helping, or at least they want to, but every time they try to help, they risk getting scold because they don’t do it right. Eventually they just want to avoid to be in the house at all.

Doesn’t that sound familiar now?

It is torture to both sides. Of course you can ask questions like, oh so the husband can surely learn and do better? The wife just needs to be more patient? I’m sure they can work things out? Couple therapy? But I really think it’s something waaaaay more complicated than just labelling these cases “communication problems” or “domestic abuses”. It is easier for us to ask the question: “why can’t these women care less about housework?” than to solve the real problem women are encountering when they try to return to work after quitting for their children.

Now you can still say it is a form of abuse, but there are so many stuffs to unpack there. Meaning that when you look at this kind of unhealthy relationships, there’s the whole cultural thing behind. Like what does it mean to be “afraid of your wife”? Are the wives that scary? Why wives need to be scary in order to establish dominance? What is the role of men in it? Or more like, what are the roles of both husband and wife in a household? What causes this to be a phenomenon or a “syndrome”?

For me, a woman, the selfish question is: what does it mean to be a wife? And ultimately, it is something for Loid to think about, “What does it mean to be a husband?”

It is really a sad story about how both parties suffer under a rigid cultural/gender system and it has created enormous stress for both sides. And that doesn’t only happen in Japan. There are, of course, differences and similarities when it comes to stories of “being scared of your wife”, but the sentiment is still more or less that. In the meantime, actually I will have to agree with Loid, or Endo, that they all should go to therapy and talk about it.

It’s very unhealthy, even if it is just so common that we literally make jokes out of it. I am of course still greatly generalising the whole situation. But what I can tell you is, this is really more than just “abuse”.

PS I’m not saying it’s healthy or anything, but here are the different versions of the same “joke” in Asia about how wives punish husbands: kneeling on washboards, a modern version of it is kneeling on keyboards, a violent version is kneeling on shattered glass. Again, that doesn’t mean the husband really has to be kneeling on shattered glass. It’s a joke - it’s something people say when the husband makes a mistake, even the tiniest one, then someone would probably say something like, “You’ll have to kneel before your wife to beg for forgiveness.” Kneeling is really the key. And we all know what that means - the husband has to show his submissiveness to the wife to complete the whole act. 

Have you seen this meme? I’m sure I’ve seen several versions of it - sxf and buddy daddies both have their own versions of this meme. You get the gist.

Edit: 1/ Why don’t they get divorced, you ask? You know, late-life divorce is a thing in Japan, when the husbands get retired... You can actually find research papers about it. And there was this legal change made in 2007 and it actually encouraged a lot of women to get divorce.

[msshadows97]

Ok, episode 6 of season 2 spoilers below finally and overall thoughts on season 2 and the series of a whole

Hugo went to MIT no thoughts just pointing it out

Noel is still talking to the cut out, boy needs therapy

Betty being jealous of the cardboard then attacking it

Hugo is me on a mental level

Evil santa is a highlight along with Olga the only reason I liked this season

Why do I feel like evil santa getting a reaction arc

I Hate Scott's short beard it gets shorter each episode

Carol "IS HE DEAD" and being a momma bear I love her

Canoe kid was fluffy?

How did he recognize Mrs claus she look like a normal person not any depiction of what Mrs claus looks like. She's in a jacket with hair down.

Attack squirrel I wish we saw it attack Scott's beard

Noel starting a war without everyone what bro. You can't fight a war alone

Betty and Gary beef

Uncanny valley reindeer

Why bring fluffy? I love him, don't get me wrong, but civilian.

Eddie is in charge

Fluffy said crap and then swallowed a bug

Do the elfs mine coal since the gnomes used to?

Lemon easterbunny

Would he rot?

Oh my god Easter bunny is aware as a lemon!!

Sandra doesn't know how to do magic you are putting a lot of faith is someone who has no idea what to do

MAD SANTA THINKS THE EARTH IS FLAT

Why is Betty holding a damn toy sword

Cal needs to be a real boy

Again toy sword against an axe.

Men being OCD on where things go.

Ew, their bellies touch and made a sound.

Betty just "this is sparta"

They are fighting like children and not the centery old beings that they are

Mad santa hating on the beard and I agree

God, this is petty between two Santa's. It doesn't even feel like a fight more like a playground argument.

"Give me back, my son." Bro is way too calm, having his son in enemy hands. He could have destroyed him.

Noel making peace with the gnomes makes me happy. (I have a lot of gnome Christmas stuff)

Honestly, why didn't they make peace a while ago?

The amulet being a chalice lowkey bothers me. As an amulet, to me, tend to be a jeweled necklace. Like saying "the chalice" would still be cool

Hahaha, Scott being yeeted

I want an Olga redeption arc

I wish he says chalice

Befana is a mood

Olga exploring is cute. And making something useful and making a printer ink lol

Again, since mad santa isn't human, DO THEY JUST SPAWN IN?

Scott, i feel like still wasn't listening to Mad santa when he was talking about Cal not wanting to be santa

Befana is saying soup and (I forgot who) said chip and dale.

Cal loving being a Nutt cracker, then immediately had a stroke

Reception arc mad santa

Betty being able to make toys now? OK, was last season a wake-up call for her? Was she just sad about Christmas and couldn't make toys? Did she learn how to make them?

Gibberish is best to make toys

Olga REDEPTION ARC

OLGA TOASTER

mad santa putting himself in jail

GARY SAID DIVA

since mad santa is not human what does he do? Does he go to the yule verse? How does a santa go to the yule verse when they retire? Does mad santa need to die?

Fluffy in jail also is a mood

Again, I think Scott's beard is getting shorter every second

Prom is cute, and all that happened to the Easter bunny? Is he still a lemon?

Scott is thinking Cal is going to college while Carol knows better. Bro, not making it through college.

Mad santa needs therapy let's be honest

Olga breakup with mad santa lowkey sad as it was a cute father daughter relationship. Hateful relationship and cute

Fluffy, not going to lie, honestly added nothing to the show and him being a character felt really pushed. Expessually this last episode.

La befana being "no I don't want a job"

Easter Bunny isn't a lemon anymore. I wish we saw him yell and have a break down

Now there's troll drama. They aren't being racist but speciest? Is season 3 about trolls now?

Betty better not be leaving

Betty and Noel better not leave. I'm sad they are my otp. They are probably leaving as the actors might be getting too old now.

Curtis isn't dead! But then that begs the question, what in the willy wonka happened to unblueberry him?

Where the hell is curtis

"Santa claus is coming to town" as Santa claus is in literally in the crowd

Ew Scott is breaking the fourth wall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Final thoughts on this season and the characters:

Carol felt useless and needs a hobby other than telling Gary what to do. I'm honestly sad that her character is feeling flat. I don't exactly know how they CAN fix it as Mrs Claus is very in the background as a whole in the holiday.

Fluffy felt like an unneeded character. His jokes were bland for a comedian. Most of his jokes were about daddy issues, which his character did have, and it wasn't funny tbh. Idk I feel like mad santa could of done better without fluffy being there.

Mad santa and Olga: I love the design and his sass. Olga and him really bounced off eachother well. I loved that Olga didn't put up with Mad Santa and would make fun of him. Olga and Mad Santa were honestly the reason is ticked this far into this reason as they were actually fun.

Cal is a golden retriever with two braincells, and both are thinking about girls. I hate Riley, but she's fits his lack of thought well as she is also head empty. I wish Cal was actually intelligent and not your stereotypical disney boy.

Sandra is the golden child. Sandra, I truly like and was worried she would be as flat as Carol. I'm glad she has magic, but I have no idea where they might go with her magic. Might be interesting if she becomes halloween as that's a legendary we haven't seen.

La befana, I have mixed feelings on this season. I liked her a lot, season 1, but now she just seems weak and not the powerful witch we thought she was in season 1.

Scott....... needs a longer beard. He needs to get his ass out of his head and actually listen and look at his children instead of what HE wants. I want to see him make toys like he did in the movies and actually be in the workshop.

Betty and Noel leaving makes me sad as they were my OTP and will be sad to see them go. I'm scared who the next head elf will be if they do decide not to return from Kribble Krabble. Because none of the elves we see currently are head elf material. Eddie should not be head elf.

Curtis isn't dead????? I need an explanation how he survived.

If season 3 does happen, I want to see more hands on Scott in the workshop. Cal gaining 5 more braincells. Carol having a hobby. Backstory on Gary's eye

[pbandjesse]

I am finally starting to feel better. Today was rough. And after yesterday I was hoping today would be better but I felt so unhappy. It sucked. I am glad I'm starting to feel better but it is annoying that it comes at the end of the day.

I slept alright last night. I had some really intense dreams. And woke up feeling alright. James went to the doctors. I did not go with them. The doctor would tell James they are healing so well they don't need to do physical therapy??? Why is James super human??

While they were gone being praised by medical professionals I was trying to get myself together.

I liked my outfit today. And I felt good. My hair felt super clean and good. But my bangs need to be trimmed and I am having trouble with the way my hair is laying, but I felt cute.

But I also felt really low. Low isn't even the right word, I just felt nothing. I felt empty and bad.

I wanted to accomplish something. I had my leftover eggs from yesterday. I made the bed with my temperature in blanket and I love how it looks.

I got back in bed and worked on my squares. I did a lot of them today. Finishing all my blue yarn and my yellow yarn. I am making great progress on using all of the leftover colors.

James would come home soon and after I finished the square I was working on we got ready to go out.

James let me know that the doctor said they were allowed to bike again. At a park and not yet on the road. Makes me nervous. But it makes them happy so that is positive.

James took me to a park to try to cheer me up. I wanted to walk near some water. So we went to loch Raven. I also though it would be a good idea to try out one of my jackets as a test if it would be good for our honeymoon. Because it was drizzly today and would actually rain later. The issue with all of my coats is they are either to large to pack or don't zip well over my hips. I am specifically talking about the possible waterproofed ones.

But the one I wore today was alright. A little tight but not terrible.

I enjoyed the walk. I talked to James about my jacket concerns. And enjoyed seeing the birds. I tried to convince James we saw the loch Ness monster. I texted the picture to Laura and she said its Nessie's cousin Vanessa.

James would take initiative to take me to REI to look at rain coats because Jess had good luck there.

And I love looking around REI but man does it stress me out. It's so stupid expensive!! Like it is not accessable to like. Anyone. The first jacket I looked at was $300??? Then we went to the return room, that they call the garage, which is all significantly cheaper and I immediately found a coat I really liked. But it was $200. Then I found one on sale from $700 to $500?? And I was so disgusted. I tried to be positive. I figured I would st least try the one on and see if I like the style. But it didn't fit me. The xxxl jacket didn't fit me.

I was a little frustrated. Like I know sizes are fake and not a moral judgement. But the jacket that wasn't fitting me well was a large. Now a triple x isnt fitting. So I was trying not to be even more frustrated. First the price, now the sizes. I was trying to not be sad so I went to the clearance section. Tried the men's. The XXL I found fit my hips but was giant on top. Which is the problem I keep having! I need a triable shaped jacket.

James had some luck though. I gave up on looking at coats. And was looking at stuff. And James found a new helmet and bike shoe attachments for a significant discount. Since the doctor gave them the clear to ride they deserved new safety gear.

We left there and went to the pet store next door to get Sweetp dry food. I liked looking at the fish and hamsters. And then we were off.

We went to a goodwill to look at coats there. I found one I sort of liked. But not enough to actually buy. It was just a little to short. I'm glad it's not a rush but it is still frustrating. I don't actually need another coat. I have so many. But I don't feel like I have the correct one for this specific trip and that's hard.

I was still really down. We went down the street and got five guys. And that was nice. I enjoyed James's company. But I was also ready to go home.

When we got back here we got inside and took a moment to sort ourselves out. But then it was time to start putting away the Christmas decorations. It took a bit. We had to take everything down in the closet. I wanted to fit all our Christmas in one box and all our Halloween in the other. Our spring decor is in a tote bag. It would take a little bit of time to sort everything to fit as well as I wanted. But it worked great in the end.

After we put it all away James helped me redecorate the mantle in the livingroom. We went through the box we had of the stuff that had been up there. Made some choices. I love how much color is there now and while it took it came out really good. James was a ninny about me being on the ladder. But I was having fun. It was one of my favorite things we did today.

I did some more cleaning and putting things away. Just tried to feel normal. I opened the back door to get some air and sorted the shelves in our bedroom. I tried to feel okay.

James would get ready to go for their bike ride. I would do my knitting for the day and start another square. It was getting late in the afternoon. I would spend the rest of today just in bed working on squares and watching videos.

James went for their bike ride. And then to their parents house. It seems to have gone well. I enjoyed my time working on my squares. But I was also still feeling really hollow. Is sucked.

I was happy when James was home. I felt safer. The sun was going down. And they would make me a little sandwich and themself some pizza. And we just chilled.

James played video games and sweetp was here. We would have snacks. I would try to be positive.

The fog started lifting around 8. And I made James laugh a few times. I took a shower. And now we are getting ready to sleep.

Tomorrow we are back to work. O'Malley needs a ride tomorrow so we are going to pick them up in the morning. And it's a busy day with a small group but a few extra hours to watch the desk and build boxes for our reaches. I am hoping it will be a good day.

I hope tomorrow I feel like myself. I hope you all feel great. Sleep well everyone. Remember to wash your hands!!

[wanderingsquirrelgirl]

filling out dating apps is hard when you constantly cycle through different niche interests once every six months.

like i could pretend im going to be obsessed with dnd for the rest of my life but this wasn't my personality back in january when i was obsessed with neurodivergence, or my personality a year ago when i was obsessed with the green brothers

i guess i could just advertise being a chaotic mess if i was interested in being accurate

"PERSONAL AD: literally i'm insane and unpredictable but im always delusional about it, date at your own risk"

oh this is probably related to my adhd and depression huh

(for context: a mild crush im sure doesn't think about me much just messaged me separately about finding me on hinge and now im sad it's never going to be a reality bc i'm simply too chaotic to be a viable option. this isn't self-loathing, it's just a fact that most folks seek predictability in their relationships to gain a sense of stability in their lives. as much as i'd like to be stable for someone i'm pretty sure i'm the opposite of that. and now im sad i'm not a completely different person again, like im back in high school. and im also sad that idk how to flirt well enough to try to make this happen despite the odds, like they do in the movies. i was hoping he'd make a move on me but he probably sees me as a little sister or something, like everyone else does. and im too chickenshit to try anything on my own. i wish i was as confident with him the same way im confident with the men whose hearts i've already broken. but it never works out that way. i also wish i weren't acting like a fucking teenager when i'm thirty something years old and should know better but here i am, being an absolute unlearned goblin person who is still obsessed with seeking acceptance from men despite all the work that i've done. i really really really really need to go back to therapy and be much more up front with who i am there so we can start unpacking this shit and maybe even undoing it. i'm not the person i wanna be and idk if that's because i'm not ambitious enough or if it's bc i'm not accepting myself enough. this shit is so hard to parse out. maybe i need a career counselor or something in addition to a therapist.)

wait hank green LITERALLY JUST TWEETED THIS BEFORE I WAS ABOUT TO POST: "You can be a disorganized mess and still achieve stuff! There's just less content out there for disorganized messes because we're disorganized messes."

THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR BEING ON THE SIDE OF MY CHAOS

[the-dream-beyond]

Masculinity and Qualities of The Feminine with Connor Beaton

Nik Tarascio 

Today we're going to be hearing from one of the leading minds on men's work and masculinity. And for you men that are listening, if you're really open, stay open to it, you may have a little bit of an emotional experience on this one, it may bring up some stuff that you've been working through. And for women that are curious and say, Maybe this one isn't about me, it's really an opportunity to hear what I think a lot of us men go through and don't want to admit to ourselves. So I hope you really enjoy.

Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO musician, an overall seeker of Truth, inspiration, and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it through on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting? How to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.

Everybody today, I'm excited to have the founder of man talks with us. It's an international organization focused on men's wellness success and fulfillment. He's also a coach, a facilitator, a teacher, a podcast host and a speaker. And most of his teachings are based on young being young in psychology. Gestalt, there's a gestalt I never know which way to say it. Cognitive behavioral therapy, Buddhism and, and Taoist traditions, a lot of fancy words that are hard to say today. And again, just please welcome Connor Beaton. He's an incredible dude, thank you for being here with us.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, man, thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here with you and to catch up and connect them. I'm excited.

Nik Tarascio 

Absolutely. And it's, this is a personal one for me too. Because, you know, you and I connected over a dinner a while back, I think it was at the Mavericks group. And they're after I think I connected to sad love to get a men's coach and I worked with someone on your team. And it just really helped me navigate what's turned out to be one of the more difficult things for me to solve, which I imagine is not so unique, right? Understanding that polarity of what does it mean to be fully embodied in the masculine? What does it mean to be in relationship with the feminine? And what about those two polarities within myself? So again, just really appreciate the work you do. And normally, when I open up, I talk about kind of what was the early dream. But I think today, because of the work you do, I'd love to talk about what your early concept of being a man was, like, your early concept of what, you know, the, the goal of my masculinity, when I grow up was going to be like,

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, I don't think like most guys, I don't think I really thought about it too much. Back in the day, I think it's one of those things that for most of us as men, we look at in hindsight, you know, there's kind of a reflection process that happens is we look at the, the sort of social conditioning, or the unspoken messages that we received growing up. And, for me, I grew up in northern Alberta in Canada, which for all the Americans, I always say is like the Texas of Canada, it's got lots of guns, there's a ton of oil, it's one of the biggest oil producers in the world. There's lots of big trucks, there's lots of country music, you know, there's bars called cowboys, except six months out of the year, it's minus 30. Right.

So that's where the discrepancy resides. But, you know, within that type of culture, there's a very, what I would refer to as a sort of one dimensional framework of masculinity, and what it means to be a man. And again, this, this isn't something that I was sort of aware of back then. But there was a lot of, you know, I played hockey, I played baseball, I played football, I played sort of all the sports and, and the commentary that I felt like I had to live into in my future was, be a good provider, make a lot of money become successful, do the things that sort of create the appearance of status of strength of power. And under no circumstances should you or should I show any real type of flaw or weakness. And so, you know, I did my best to try and live into that I developed a decent career, I was traveling the world I had this beautiful girlfriend. I had the toys, the motorcycle, the Mustang, although maybe that's not exactly maybe the Mustang isn't what a lot of guys want to go for.

But I liked that five liter you know, burn the tires out kind of thing. But I was also kind of searching because it it didn't feel really fully fulfilling. You know, it felt like it kind of lacked some depth. And I explored a number of different things yoga, a whole bunch of other traditions. But I think that was kind of the the framework that I thought I needed to live into that I needed to kind of build this life of success, of affluence of status of power, and that I needed to kind of do those things by hiding some of my weaknesses, how I was struggling, not really letting people know what was going on behind the scenes of my life. And I did that fairly well, until it really backfired on me. So maybe I'll just pause there, because I think I've sufficiently answered your question.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, absolutely, it does, it does very much bring to mind that I think most of us are unconscious about the things that we've taken in as the model that we're trying to build early on. And I know in your book, you open up pretty powerfully with the story of the turning point and the rock bottom moment for you. And I feel like people, you know, should pick up the book to really hear that in detail. But I'm actually curious about not your path, and maybe some of the people you work with, which is the winners, the guys that just win too much too early, and never have that moment in a parking lot where they're having to face the existential crisis. I mean, I'm in New York, right? So I see it everywhere I'm in while I'm in YPO, I'm in these networks of people that have just one too much in my mind, I'm curious to hear what happens when there's not the gift of the rock bottom on the other side of that.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, I mean, you know, I've been fortunate over the last decade that the men that I, you, mentor of mine, actually, in one of my recent weekends, pointed out, the men that I generally seem to attract are the eighth type, high performing really successful guys, you know, they're the hedge fund owners, they're the top of their game rappers, and athletes, you know, Olympic athletes, I work with some really extraordinary men. And, and I've been very fortunate to do so. And for a lot of these men, what's interesting is that they've oftentimes had a tremendous amount of success in their life that has been, not always but quite frequently burst out of challenge that they experienced early on in life, and that they didn't really know how to deal with that people didn't teach them how to carry or, or work through, whether it was, you know, witnessing their parents divorce or experiencing some form of abuse or neglect or abandonment, you know, being adopted, etc, etc, etc. and the list can just go on and on.

And what that can build within us is this incredible strength that is gritty and resilient, and can achieve and can accomplish extraordinary things. But the byproduct of that, that I've seen within a lot of men is that what, what ends up happening is that we do a couple of things. Number one, these men will oftentimes put a sense of fulfillment, depth, meaning purpose, on the other side of accomplishments. And so they start to hedge. And they'll start to hedge and say, I'm not gonna allow myself to feel happy, fulfilled, successful, in this moment, it's going to be on the other side of closing this deal, buying this company selling this company, you know, achieving this, you know, this, this big accolade within my field.

And then they get there. And because they've hedged, so much of their worth, their internal value, their internal sense of fulfillment, and confidence on the other side of it can never live up. And so what happens if they get there, there is this kind of vacancy and hollowness that shows up in this moment that they thought was going to be tremendous. And then instead of sort of pausing and saying, Okay, maybe this, this mechanism that I've built within my life isn't workable is not actually producing the internal results that I want, they keep going that sort of double down, and they produce more, and they output more, and they build bigger, they build more faster, you know, etc. Until either at least, to some sort of rock bottom, or it alienates them in a really sort of painful way, where they don't feel understood, they don't feel connected, they don't feel a deep sense of love from the people around them.

And there's this kind of loneliness that starts to emerge in their life. And they'll start to seek it in other places, they'll start to seek this attachment, or this depth, or this fulfillment, from other things, right? Traveling excessively, you know, going on hundreds of IO, Oscar retreats, and just sort of immersing themselves in this constant, never ending cycle of psychedelics, but they'll start to look for this depth somewhere outside of them in the world, because that's what we're often told that we need to do as men is that we need to explore externally for a very long time to try and find something meaningful internally.

So hopefully, I've answered that in as directed way as possible. I think, you know, the, the side effects and this, this isn't to sort of downgrade or put down what these men do because the majority of the men that I work with, they are phenomenal human beings, they you know, they have accomplish some truly remarkable things where I'm just in awe and wonder of like, Damn, how did you do that, you know, but sometimes the side effect of that is that they've had to sacrifice family, they've had to sacrifice friends, they've had to sacrifice a sense of internal worth, or meaning, or value, happiness. And so that's sort of the byproduct of what they feel like they're often missing.

You know, like, I'll give you an example of, I've been working recently with a few men that are within the music industry. And one is in one of the largest heavy metal bands and the other ones a very famous rapper, very different life's, you know, very different upbringing, very different careers. But at the core of what both of these men are dealing with, is that both of them has success, very young, you know, they hit it in their early 20s, they really started to crush it. And one is quite a bit older, you know, he's in his late 50s, early 60s, and the other one is in his 30s. And he's still trying to grapple with it. But despite the fame, despite the accolades, the accomplishments, both of them have come to work with me, because they had thought that by achieving and accomplishing that they would create some type of depth and meaning within their life.

And after winning all these awards, and selling so many records, and etc, etc, that thing that they were still hoping to feel is missing. And so that leaves us with a big question mark of like, well, why the hell does that happen? You know, why is it? Like, is it a lie that achievement and accomplishment? Is unfulfilling or unrewarding? Probably not, you know, like, there's some very real benefit and merit in achieving some great things. But there's still something missing. And so maybe I'll, I'll pause there, because I feel like I gave a good amount for you to sort of pick on and decide where we go next.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, and I mean, one, I love what you're sharing. And it's, there's so many different lenses to look through. And I think the place I go, because I believe I was probably one of those people in many ways, not at the level of like a heavy metal superstar, or rap star or something like that. But in my own world, I felt like I had justified where I was at, and when someone would try to reflect back and be someone I care about, were would reflect back on, hey, I think something's off. And I'm like, but look at all I've done, like I and I wouldn't say it that way. But my system would reject the invitation from the outside and say, No, you don't know the path I'm on you don't know my calling. And so I am wondering for people that are in that, how do we interrupt the pattern? How do we bring in that awareness? What are some of those signs that maybe were like someone's listening and saying, is that me? Or is that not me? How would I even know where I'm at?

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, I mean, there's a couple different things like in the Carl Jung and his framework, you know, and I think this kind of applies across any real therapeutic modality or most spiritual modalities. But Jung said, you know, the first step in the therapeutic process in any sort of psychological training, or development or expansion, right, if we were wanting to expand ourselves as men, as leaders, in whatever capacity we're wanting to expand ourselves in, the first step is confession. So the first step is actually beginning to, to circle near the territory of admitting that maybe something's missing, missing. And that that's, that's actually quite challenging.

You know, if you're a man who built a tech company at the age of 20, or 22, and you built up this, you know, this really substantial business, you you employ hundreds of people, your the your vision, and your dream and your hard work and your ethic, has now built something that's paying for the lives of hundreds of people, and producing a product that is supporting 1000s, or 10s of 1000s, or millions, to admit that there might be something missing internally is a very hard thing to do to just to just say that out loud, you know, or even to just come into contact with the sensation physically, because it might not be a rational thought. And we in our Western culture, specifically within our within the male population, I would say within the masculine portion of our population, we over index the rational mind way too much. We give it way too much credit. We have burdened our rational minds and our logical minds with trying to solve every kind of problem under the sun.

And they're not meant to sort through emotional challenges. They're not meant to oftentimes even come to a conclusion or or create a repair within a relational challenges. So like Einstein had a great quote where he said the rash Your mind is a faithful servant. And the intuitive mind is a sacred gift. And we've created a culture that honors the servant of the rational mind is forgotten the gift of the intuitive mind of our sort of gut intelligence. And so what I usually say to most men is, you've probably felt something deep inside of you deeper within you, whether you want to say, deep within your psyche, deep within your mind, your heart, your soul, your body, whatever language you want to put to it, you felt something that's just in the background, like, there's this uneasy sensation, you know, there's this disconnection, some guys will describe it as a numbness. Some guys will describe it as a void.

Some guys will describe it as an emptiness. Some guys will describe it as a sort of discontent. But however they describe it, there's this connection to, something's missing. And so really, the first sort of step is just can you be aware of that part? And it's not that we're going looking for a problem? I want to make that very clear, right? We're not trying to like, hunt down like, am I am I fucked up? Is there something wrong with me, you know, like, that's not what we're doing. It's just can you be courageous enough and brave enough as a man to say, I felt that, you know, I have, with all the success with the millions of dollars that I've made, I have felt the void, I felt the emptiness. I felt that accolade like I remember, this is a couple of years ago, it was working with quite prominent lawyer. And he had built out this incredible, incredible business and was worth a tremendous amount of money. And we've been working together for about a year and a half.

And for a year, at a time that we've been working together, he'd been working on this big deal that was essentially going to double the revenue and the income of his business. And it was going to sort of put him at the top of his field, and yada, yada, yada. And he had been talking about how excited he was, and you know, what he was going to do with the money and private jets and all this kind of stuff. And, and I'll never forget, after it happened the day after it happened, you know, the day it happened, I got a text message. You know, I fucking did it. It's amazing. It's so cool. The next day, I get a call. And I look and I see, that's him. And I pick up my phone. And he's on the other side. And he's like, so the deals done? Uh, huh, congratulations. And I was excited in the moment yesterday that it finally got accomplished, because it's a years worth of work and effort. And I know it's big logistically.

But I don't feel anything internally. I actually feel more empty than I did before. And my response to him was, okay, great. What do you want to do about that? You know, what do you want to do about that? It's great that you're acknowledging it? Are you ready to work with it? Are you ready to talk about it, because what he started to realize was that all of this accomplishment, all of this busyness for him than this isn't everybody in general. But for him, a lot of the the extra work the extra building that, you know, the Empire that he was trying to build was in avoidance. It was an avoidance mechanism of the hollowness that he had felt internally.

And he had been running for a very long time, from certain parts of his past his childhood, his previous marriage, the way he treated his kids. And when this sort of monumental accolade came into place, he couldn't help but be struck by the internal experience that he was left with. And I think that this is the case for many of us, that when we reach our peaks, is where the truth of our life starts to emerge. And this is why I'm so fascinated by working with men who are in these positions, because it's oftentimes when we, when we hit the goal, you know, when we get the gold medal, when we achieve, you know, pulling in the venture funding, or the, you know, a round investment, or we sell the company, it's in these moments that we've been working towards, for a very long time, where the reality of our life really shows itself.

And, and sometimes it's not the reality that we're hoping for, but it's the reality that we have, and we can either continue to run from that, or we can stand and face it. And for the majority of men, they haven't seen a model of what it looks like to say, shit, this isn't what I want what I was hoping or expecting to feel. Maybe I should get some support. You know, maybe I should explore what this is. Maybe I can slow down enough to kind of make try and make sense of what some urging in me, and in my life that maybe needs to be tended to, versus this continual rise and obsession with building and expansion and you know, everything else, every other sort of word that we want to put in place for that. So those are just some examples

Nik Tarascio 

What I really feel there that came up again, just as you're talking. I obviously see a lot of myself in the stories. And it was almost that the more externally successful I was, the more I felt I couldn't verbalize when I didn't have fulfillment, because it was almost like Wait, who you have everything like you have everything a person could want compared to the majority of people that have ever lived in all of existence? How dare you have a negative experience of that, you ungrateful bastard. Right, right. And so I felt like it just gets like it, almost the clamp gets tighter. And then I felt that I couldn't verbalize that to anybody else.

But it is interesting, it's, then the solution is, well, I guess I just have to make the live bigger to myself. Because at least if I can make the lie bigger to myself, I could push through. And maybe there is some truth that on the other side of the billion dollar exit, I'll finally feel like enough. But you know, again, I think that's the plight that I find, I find so interesting. And it, you know, kind of transitions to the question of, I feel like, this is the gift of the polarity of a partner. And, you know, again, for I know, for, for many men, it's a woman for, for many men, it's just a feminine, right, it's just like a feminine energy and another person, I've spent a lot of my life resenting and resisting the feminine polarity, I found it to be an inconvenience, understanding that I was living in that rational mind, right, and the idea of someone bringing in emotions and a rationality and just Well, I feel this way, why, I don't know, I just feel this way.

I'm like, you're making me crazy, it doesn't reconcile through the filter. So you know, that kind of opens up to me into for men that have struggled in being able to truly be in relationship with the feminine and not go through that hedonic cycle of it's novel. It's exciting. She thinks I'm amazing. Wait, this is not great. Gone. Next one, next one, next one, and so forth. I'd love to kind of hear more about people's journey in relation to that, or maybe even your journey and in relation to the feminine.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, we'll just, I mean, it is infuriating, sometimes where our feminine partners, so the women in our lives are bringing us their emotions, and they're saying, I feel this way. And we're like, But why, and we're trying to figure it out, rationally. I mean, that is just an infuriating cycle, you know, and so I just want to acknowledge that. And I also wanted to acknowledge what you were talking about before, which is sort of like this comparison that we do. You know, I've had all this success. And so I should be happy because I have it so much better than other people. You know, I'm so much more fortunate than other people. I've worked so much harder than other people.

And we've kind of all heard the saying, you know, Comparison is the thief, thief of joy. And that's true. But I think that comparison is also the thief of healing and wholeness, that the fulfillment that we seek, the depth that we know we're capable of creating within ourselves in our lives, is nearly impossible when we're stuck comparing ourselves to other people.

Why didn't have it as bad as John, you know, his dad did X y&z to him, or, you know, my life doesn't look as bad as Ted, because look what's happening with his wife and his kids. And so I got to be, you know, I just got to be super grateful. And so we kind of put the blinders on to our own human experience, by degrading our own human experience, through the lens of comparing it to another's and saying, Well, they have it worse. And in some ways, it's a it's a bullshit cop out mechanism in because it's the people that you're comparing yourself to our friends. You're both doing them a disservice, you sort of disrespecting them, disrespecting their experience, not understanding their experience.

And you're, you're, in some ways disassociating from your own, you know, you're getting to say, Well, mine's not so bad, or I should really be grateful for it. So I just want to put that out there. Because I think, oftentimes, what we do in order to avoid the hardship of our own life, is we compare it to another's. And, you know, in my book, The first line is a man's work begins with pain. And I wrote that specifically, because I think that how we as men relate to our own challenges, our own suffering, our own hardship, speaks volumes about who we are.

And for many of us, we haven't been taught how to deal with that part of ourselves. And so we either do two things, one, we act from it, which a lot of guys do in their relationships or you know, in their business and they become volatile and aggressive and you know, hostile and they yell and they cost us swear, fuck you, I can't believe you do that, or whatever that looks like, or we completely shut it down. And we try and stuff it deep within ourselves, which adds to the vacancy that we feel internally. So that's just a side rant. Thanks for attending my TED talk. I'll answer your other question more directly now, which is our relationship to women in the feminine. Jung had a great quote where he said, women stand at the edge of what a man knows about himself.

Women stand at the edge of a man shot or where a man shadow begins. And so in many ways, what I've talked about, and I'll share a little bit of personal experience here, but I'll also sort of just talk generally about the our relationship to women as men. What that means is that we we don't often understand women, and the feminine, and our need, our drive, our desire to try and figure them out, is the problem. It's the behavior that we need to move away from.

Because we, we as men are often very external, right? We like to look at things outside of us, figure them out, try and fix them, try and solve them, try to build them try to improve them. And we do that to the women in our lives. Right, we look at our wives, and our girlfriends, and the women that were that we're dating are like, let me try to figure you out, we try and solve your problems, let me try and fix you let me try and improve you and improve your lives. And when we do that, we're fucked immediately, because we don't actually see who that woman is.

And what she receives is, you don't understand me, you don't love me, you don't accept me, you don't embrace me fully. You're trying to alter me or improve my life or change who I am, or change my behavior, or you don't like when I'm emotional. And so when our partners get upset when the women in our lives get upset or angry at us, or sad because of something that we've done, our natural reaction as a man, if we're living in our head, in our rational mind is to say, let me solve that for you. Let me fix that for you.

And that's not what they're needing or wanting in that moment. So to sort of turn this back around our relationship to women, reveals what we don't know about ourselves as men. Okay, so what do I mean by that, because that might seem like a vague statement. I'll give you a very clear example. When I was in my 20s, I was a massive womanizer, loved women, love pursuing them love getting with them, I'd be in relationships, I mean, I lacked a lot of integrity, I would be in relationships, you know, be in a relationship with a woman and I'd be pursuing women outside of that. I like dating them, I like sleeping with them. I mean, they were really, they were kind of like my drug and distraction of choice. And the whole time that I was with them, that I was with women, I mean, I I'm married now. So I'm still with a woman.

But the whole time that I was in that kind of pursuit, one thing started to become very apparent. The more that I liked a woman, the more I felt drawn to her, the more that I wanted her in my life. The more that I felt myself, craving her validation, and craving her recognition, right her to acknowledge me, the more I wanted to succeed with her, and win with her and get it right with her. And what it was revealing within myself was that I was insecure. I was very insecure. Because I didn't have an internal framework of recognition. I didn't have compassion for myself, I didn't have a framework of being able to validate myself.

And to be honest, the way that I spoke to myself internally was borderline disgusting. You know, it was abusive. The way I talked, the way that I used to talk to myself was harsh, and demeaning, and self deprecating, self deprecating. And I would say things like, Oh, what the fuck is wrong with you? And how could you do that, and he's such a stupid piece of shit, and bla bla bla, that was the way that I spoke to myself. And so when I would get into a relationship with a woman that I really loved or cared about when I wanted her to get close to me, because I lacked this mechanism of internal compassion. And because I lacked this mechanism and the skill internally of self recognition and self validation, I began to seek that from the women that I would date, I needed them to give it to me, right?

And so we as men do different versions of this some men when they're with a woman, it will reveal exactly what it revealed for me, right, that they that they're missing validation that they're missing a sense of, of confidence that they're, you know, they're they feel sort of insecure underneath the surface, or what will be revealed is that they are deeply afraid of being loved. And so when they're around a woman, and the closer that woman gets, the more that woman wants to be with him, the more fear that will start to emerge within that man.

And he'll start to sabotage and push her away. Because he doesn't feel worthy, because he doesn't feel like he has value or because he feels on unconsciously or out of his core, like he's going to damage or harm that woman. Because he doesn't have a healthy relationship with his own feminine qualities, but his own emotions, with his own grief or sadness with his own anger with his own sense of compassion, with his own sense of self validation. And so he'll push her away actively to try and quote unquote, protect her. So I'm going to pause there, because I think I said, a good amount. And I can see that there's something present for you,

Nik Tarascio 

Ya know, you landed on my story at the end there, which is, I've recently come to terms with the fact that I was a very soft, creative, cuddly loving kid. And when I was in that mode, the other kids used to kick the shit out of me, is they were like, and they literally call me a pussy, they'd be like, Oh, look at the Plessy let's go beat him up, right.

And so it was interesting to see that I actually saw my feminine qualities at times as a weakness, like that inner soft part of me that was emotional, wanted to connect, and got along with the girls, you know, it was like I was in first and second grade that way. And so I think I immediately saw feminine as weakness, stuff at down rational robot become an alpha type that models the other boys that are going around beating people up. I never became a bully in that way.

But it was more that I've only recently come to understand that I saw the feminine as weakness, the high end. So when I severed from it, I resented it. Because it was that was what got me beat up. And that is ultimately why I ended up presenting all of my partners. So it's a really interesting thing to see. You kind of hit the nail on the head. And I've only recently drawn the lines that got me there. And I imagine for a lot of people that comes from so many different places, and I was resonating with that internal voice that where does that come from? Where does that like? What are you shithead? What's wrong with you? Like, Well,

Connor Beaton 

Can I can I speak to that from Oh, yeah, that might be helpful. Yeah. So we'll just this is the inner critic, what we're talking about, right that, that voice inside of our head, that's when we can give it multiple names, right. And the judge, the critic, the commentator, right, whatever feels the most aligned or real for you just use that label, right. And the label is less important than its function. The inner critic is a very interesting heart, especially within men. And for a lot of high achievers.

What I have noticed over the years is that they will oftentimes use what I call dark motivation to try and accomplish their goals. So dark motivation, another way of putting it is shame based motivation. So I'm trying to achieve in order to prove somebody wrong, those bullies, I'm going to fucking show them. So I'm going to become somebody that's so competent, and so alpha, and so successful, that it will protect me from ever experiencing that type of pain again, and that becomes our driving factor. And that can be beautiful and brilliant for a little while, right? It can really, you can accomplish some shit with that.

But eventually, the problem with dark motivation and shame based motivation, and I've seen this time and time and time again, with us as men, is that it reaches a point where it has a net negative impact on us physically meant mentally and emotionally, where it starts to become more draining than it is generative. Where the no matter how big the results are, that we're producing in our career, or in our business, or financially, or within our relationship, that we either don't believe the results that we're that we're getting, right we don't, we don't enjoy them, we're not able to celebrate them. Or we're just left with this emptiness, right. So that dark motivation is based off of shame, I don't want to feel shame.

And so I'm going to try and achieve greatness to prove somebody or something wrong, a story that I have about myself, a story that I have about business or the world, you know, trying to prove myself to my father trying to prove myself to those bullies. That's dark motivation, that shame based motivation. And eventually, that shame based motivation will start to consume us from the inside. And it will start to require that we drink more, or smoke more weed or numb out more or watch more porn or do more Coke or hire more prostitutes, right or whatever it is. And so the price that we pay for it eventually is that we can't sustain that type of shame based motivation. Why? Because we're not fucking recognizing ourselves. We're not validating our selves. So it doesn't matter how great the achievement is, we're not left with the nourishment and the sustenance that is supposed to come along with the achievement. Right, when you achieve something you are supposed to, to metabolize some kind of nourishment. psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, physically, right, you're supposed to receive something.

And if you're just producing results, and building businesses and achieving goals, out of shame, there, there's no nourishment in that eventually. And so eventually you have to, you start to eat yourself on the inside. So back to the inner critic, back to this, that maybe we can return to dark motivation if you want. We will, but this inner critic, what I've found to be true, so I'll use myself as an example. My inner dialogue was like abusive, you know, it was really, I would get super angry when I would do something wrong when I would screw up in my relationship.

When I would screw up in my career. Immediately that part was just like, I mean, it was on me it was like a tiger just waiting to pounce at any site or scent that I have done something wrong. And that would be raid on liquid the pucks wrong with you, how could you do that for proper proper, you know, it start picking me apart, and then I would feel more agitated and more aggressive. And I didn't know how to deal with that. And so I would eventually take it out on people around me, you know, I'd be more controlling at work, more controlling as as a leader, you know, I'd be harsher in my relationships and keep people at a distance. And what I started to realize when I did this work probably 1012 years ago with a with a mentor of mine, he was in his mid 70s.

And he had spent years training in Union psychology and I apprenticed with him. I was fortunate enough to spend, you know, two and a half years apprenticing with this man and learning these modalities. But he said, one simple question that really screwed me up. Because they fucked me up, it really fucked me up. He said, who does that inner critic sound? Like? Whose voice is that? And where did you learn it? And I first I was like, Well, I don't, I don't really know. And he said, Okay, well write down everything that your inner critic saying on a piece of paper. And I do this exercise for my clients all the time, because it's so impactful. I said, he said, write down all of your, all the statements, that you can remember that the inner critic says this, okay, so I write them down. If that's wrong with you, you're such a stupid piece of shit.

You know, I'm like reading these things out in the car to him. This is this is brutal to read, you know, this is brutal. Look at it. Okay, who said those things to you. And immediately, I realized that all of those comments I had heard from my stepfather, every single one of them, wow, every single one of them. And so I was carrying on this legacy of a man who had been verbally and emotionally abusive to me. And the truth that most men don't want to come into contact with is that their inner critic is a legacy of somebody in their life, who was harsh, or abusive, or so overly critical that it was damaging to them. A critical mother or a hypercritical father that they can never get anything right for.

Or, you know, in some cases, it's their voice that they created, because they weren't living up to the expectations of who they thought they needed to be for their father. Right? Some guys have this, you know, larger than life to have that they're like, Oh, my God, he's so amazing. He's so incredible. I just want to be like Him. And when they don't, they beat the show to themselves. Right? So but all of us have a legacy of where that voice came from, and getting the touch with whose legacy have I been carrying? Carrying on? You know, is it one of my parents? Is it a sibling? Is it a coach that I grew up with that was just brutal on me? You know? And do I need to continue that legacy? Or can I shifted? Can I begin to let go of that and speak to myself in a way where I can still get results without punishing myself?

And this is the last thing I'm going to say out and I'll pause. That's the type of discipline that most of us men have learned is that discipline is a punishment. That in order for me to be disciplined, or feel disciplined, I need to punish myself, because that's what we learn as young boys, right? You step in a line, you're angry, you do something wrong, right? You push back with one of your parents, you get punished. That's that's the tactic that that most young boys have experienced. And so when they get older, and they're trying to be disciplined in the routines and their habits in their mind frame in their mindset, how they do that is by trying to punish themselves. I got that wrong. Well, what should I do? I should beat the shit out of myself to make sure that I don't do it again. And again, that tactic might work in the interim, it might work to lead you to a certain place, but eventually it's going to have a net negative result.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I mean, that's a big unlock for me. I've never, I've never held that thought that most of the ways I try to get myself to do things, is like an angry gym coach. It's unreal. And I'm like, no wonder why I fall out of habits like that when I'm like, like, for example, fitness is a really big one. For me, I want to make myself get into a physical fitness routine. Like I hear so many guys say that to me. And it's like, no, what do I don't want to do, because I'm just yelling at myself the whole time inside, like, be better, be stronger, look better naked, like what's wrong with you, you know, like, it's, you know, it's just like, wow, this is not this is not loving at all. So that's really interesting. And it does perfectly tee up. The next point, which is, again, I've guitars on my wall behind me, for those that are not seeing the video.

As a musician, one of the incredible things I've done is I thought I had to be the martyr from my heart. And so I always thought that I had to suffer and create from dark energy, so the only energy I ever knew, and as soon as I heard, like, hippie music and happy shit, and like, you know, those Lifetime movies, I was like, who makes this crap, who feels happy and then creates anyway, because at that point, I feel like I would have no motivation to do anything. And so I'm really wondering, for those of us that are often feeling like we have to suffer to create, we have to be these malcontents to make the world a better place. I'm wondering where your creation force comes from? Or as you support these artists that you're talking about? Have they been able to tap into light energy? What does that even feel like? What is it because that is one of my life goals is to truly be able to create as equally beautiful things from a place of light and love.

Connor Beaton 

Yeah, well, I appreciate the question. And, you know, life, life's hard. Life is suffering. You know, if you look at the Buddhist tradition, or the Zen tradition, it talks a lot about suffering being an inevitability and a part of life. And so it's not that we want to ignore those things, I think that the tendency that some people have is to kind of spiritually bypass on the other side of this right is to just avoid suffering entirely and just light love and rainbows. And I mean, that's, that's just as false as the other end of the spectrum. But one of the things that I found to be incredibly helpful is to look at things from a generative standpoint, right?

So am I creating or wanting to build this habit, I'll give you an example. I turned 40 in November. And my goal, my mission is to be in the best shape of my life by 40. And so I built this gym in my home. And I've been working out four or five times a week. But rather than saying, I hate the way my body looks, or what's wrong with the need to go a train, or any of those other things, my mission is towards something generative, something positive, right. So rather than saying, I'm doing this, because I don't want to look like this, I'm saying I'm doing this because I want to move in this direction. Here's how I want to feel, right, I want to feel strong, I want to feel competent, I want to feel like I can do muscle ups on the rings in my basement, the gymnastics rings, right? So we move ourselves away from I am doing this, I'm trying to produce these results, because I don't want to feel this way.

And we move towards a I'm doing these things because I want to feel this way. And we start to shift our attention towards I want to feel grounded, I want to feel healthy, I want to feel positive, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror, and enjoy the body that I see. Right. And so we start to shift our lens of focus towards away from what we don't want, and towards what we do want what we want to create. And there's some great work in positive psychology by a woman named Carol Dweck, who wrote a book called Mindset. And the book focuses on exactly what we're talking about, which is fixed versus growth mindset. A fixed mindset is essentially another term for dark motivation, right?

I'm doing this because I don't want to feel this way. I don't want my body to look like this. I want to get away from how I feel or how I look or what my bank account looks like. Versus a growth mindset or light motivation says, here's how I want to feel. Here's what I want to pursue, here's what I want to create. And here's what I want to generate. And when we can do that there is an internal psychological shift, where we're not trying to get away from something we're trying to move towards something. And for a lot of men, I've noticed that this is sometimes challenging. And maybe this is, you know, me and some of the men that I've worked with, but I think that many of us have been taught that we that we need To suffer, and we need to struggle in order to sort of prove our worth.

And, you know, you certainly will suffer and you will struggle in life that was just sort of a given. But choosing the suffering, right, doing the cold showers doing the cold plunge doing the workout, from a place of what you want to build. And what you want to create is a much more generative process that allows you to free up some space for recognition, for validation, for fulfillment for joy for reward, where you can say, Look, I'm creating and building the body that I want the routines that I want, right? So the light motivation actually requires that you recognize yourself along the way, that you recognize what you're building, what you're creating, what you're doing, who you're becoming, who you're doing it with.

And that that, in and of itself, is a part of creating this, this wonderful way of being where self recognition is sort of baked into the process.

Nik Tarascio 

That makes a hell of a lot of sense. I mean, as I hear you saying it, I am thinking about the fact that is usually almost like pushing off the side of a pool, but I'm pushing off the negativity, the rejection of self versus pulling into the possibility of what can be and being really excited about that potential.

Connor Beaton 

So I can I say one more thing about that? Anything, I interviewed this, I love neuroscience, like I'm kind of a geek around how the brain works and how the body works and how the nervous system works. And I, I interviewed this guy, years and years and years ago, his name was Beau lotto, and like, what an interesting name Bolado. But he's like one of the leading neuroscientists when it comes to change, and how our brains are actually wired.

And I'll never forget, we were talking about how the brain is wired. Instead, your brain is wired, as a pattern recognition machine. So your brain is literally designed to try and recognize patterns in the world and then assimilate based on a couple foundational criteria. Number one, are you safe? And number two, can you choose patterns that are going to keep you safe? Now, why is it important, because the known is safer than the unknown. So our brains are desired to are designed to keep us safe. And to avoid change. They are literally designed and wired to avoid change. Why? Because most of the time, we don't know what's on the other side of change. We don't know what's going to happen, when we lose the 10 pounds, we don't know what's going to happen, when we put the effort into building the body that we want, or whatever it is, whatever we're looking to change, right, maybe you're looking to have a deeper level of intimacy and sexual connection with your wife, your girlfriend or your partner, that's probably going to require a good amount of vulnerability, that's probably going to require a good amount of open conversations and dialogue where you talk about the type of sex or roleplays, or, you know, whatever it is that you're wanting to experience.

And we don't know our rational mind cannot predict how those conversations are going to go, how the experiences are going to go. And so what does it do, it tries to convince us to move back towards what we know, the dysfunctional relationship, the unhealthy conversations, the shitty sex that we're having, etc, it pulls us back to the known, even if the known, is abusive, is unhealthy, and is what we don't want. So we have to work sometimes against our our instinctual nature, for comfort for safety. And we have to venture into the unknown.

And this is the one thing I really want to emphasize. This change requires you as a man to choose consciously to walk into the territory of the unknown. To say, I don't know how this is going to go, I don't know how this conversation is going to go. I don't know if selling this business is gonna go well, but I know I need to let it go. I don't know what's on the other side of it. I don't know what it's going to look like for for me to let go of it. But I know intuitively I know in my gut that this is the right decision for me to make.

And when we can begin as men to choose to face the unknown each and every single day, and B and all of it and find a wonder in it. And to practice that. We actually sharpen ourselves in many ways to how we relate to the feminine, because the feminine is the unknown, the feminine as we see it is very chaotic. It's very sporadic. We don't we don't understand it. Oftentimes, we want to control it, right. We want to temper it. We want to fix it. We want to organize it and create order out of it and make it structured, right?

And so of how we practice being, I don't want to say better but more efficient, more grounded with the women in our lives more grounded in our relationships more grounded with our own feminine, is we practice choosing to accept the unknown to say, I don't know how this is going to go. But I'm open to finding out. And I don't need to spend so much of my time and effort and energy and rational bandwidth, trying to simulate every possible outcome that could potentially happen, running myself into the ground, trying to trying to figure out what's going to happen, when I can just allow it to unfold and see the data and the information that emerges out of the unknown.

Nik Tarascio 

Man that is powerful. That is powerful, the idea of truly embracing the unknown, being okay with it not kicking and screaming, you know, think through, obviously, a lot of the people that I speak to are, you know, business owners, business leaders, people that own jets generally are entrepreneurs. And I see, despite the success, the amount of kicking and screaming we do, as we lean into that, like, this isn't what I wanted to have happen. And it's like missing the gift in that moment of uncertainty. Instead of seeing like, there's some gold in there. And in fact, I don't I just really saw for myself last year, the more I could sit in the chaos and the uncertainty, and just metabolize it within my body and let it come out as like a nugget of gold. I just really hold that in my heart as my invitation for myself to tap into my masculine.

And I think a lot of what you said validated what was kind of just an intuitive experience. There's so much you said, your that is magic. And I do want to turn it back to you before we wrap and I could talk to you for days, man, I feel like you just have so much wisdom to offer. I'm just grateful to have been able to watch your journey over the last couple of years. And here's, you know, you're this guy who's at the top of your game, influencing people from every corner of the world in every walk of life. You've got this, you know, going amazing family and and what do you wake up dreaming about? What's the dream beyond for you now.

Connor Beaton 

You know, I think it kind of ties into what we were talking about before is that, with all of those things said, there are still a lot of unknowns in my life. And a huge part of the what I would suggest to use your language to dream beyond is for me, is to continue to, to the best of my capacity and my ability to make decisions that are going to lead me closer and closer to the type of authentic life that brings me a depth of fulfillment, and joy. And challenge that, that lights me up. Because if I can be a walking embodiment of what it looks like to be a man who is present to the hardship, to the obstacles to the the authentic expression of who he wants to be, that, to me is a deep sense of purpose.

And so I think the dream beyond is continuing to write, which I have really found to be very confronting, and very challenging, but also deeply and richly rewarding. It's spending more time in nature, you know, I have a 22 month old son, and bringing him camping, you know, and taking him out into these excursions in nature. And I think the real, the sort of big dream is to, you know, I could talk about turning man talks into the number one organization in the world for men, or I could talk about having my book be the number one for men, and all of those things are meaningful for me that, you know, I'd be lying if they if they weren't. But I think the big thing for me is, is bringing men back into contact with the strength and beauty of who they are walking them back home, into their inner kingdom within themselves.

And doing that out in nature. There's something very primal that I think that we've disconnected from as men, as we've just moved into cities. And so a lot of my work, I'm focusing more and more about bringing men back into nature and to do some of the work that we've been talking about in person in nature, you know, amongst the trees with the bears off in the distance, or the lions or wherever the hell, you know, can take men in the world. And so that's, that's the that's the big dream.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, if you mean it in a literal sense, Sign me up. That sounds absolutely incredible. And I think on behalf of all men, and the women and children that interact with them, I'm just really grateful for the work that you do. And thanks for continuing to be a guide to I think something most of us have lost the way back to and you know, again, for anyone that Listening. There was so much here, it's so rich, I'm gonna have almost a hard time summarizing, but I do think the stuff that really stands out for me is the find a way to embrace the uncertainty. Really listen to that inner voice and decide if that's the voice you want speaking to you or guiding you, and if not make that change.

And ultimately, I think where we started was that idea of first acknowledging that we need some help. We need some help. And maybe, you know, maybe we are experiencing emotions that are true and correct and not trying to stuff those down and say my rational mind refuses to reconcile that, that you know, reality, just to be more compassionate, loving to ourselves, and I think women can teach us a lot in that. So I really appreciate the time today, please go check out Connors new book men's work A Practical Guide to face your darkness and self sabotage and find freedom. I'm currently diving through it right now.

And he's the one who spoke it on the audible so I appreciate the way you speak man. It's super common to hear you, you know talk with such confidence and power and courage of your own story. And again for everyone. I hope this was a really rich podcast experience and Connor thanks again for all your time.

Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you receive whatever message or inspiration you are meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it. That really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at:

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[blackstarising]

coming back to this post i made again to elaborate - especially as the ted lasso fandom is discussing sam/rebecca and fandom racism in general. there are takes that are important to make that i had failed to previously, but there's also a growing amount of takes that i have to, As A Black Person™, respectfully disagree with.

tl;dr for the essay below sam being infantilized and the sam/rebecca relationship are not the same issue and discussing the former one doesn't mean excusing the latter. and we've reached the glen of the Dark Forest where we sit down and talk about fandom racism.

i should have elaborated this in my last post about sam/rebecca, but i didn't. i'll say it now - i personally don't support sam and rebecca getting together for real. i believe what people are saying is entirely correct, even though sam is an adult legally, he and rebecca are, at the very least, two wildly different stages of life. for americans, he's at the equivalent of being a junior in college. there are things he hasn't gotten the chance to experience and there are areas he needs to grow in. when i was younger, i didn't understand the significance of these age gaps, i just thought it would be fine if it was legal, but as someone who is now a little older than sam in universe, i understand fully. we can't downplay this. whether or not you think sam works for rebecca or not, even despite the gender inversion of the Older Man Younger Woman trope, whether or not he is a legal adult, i don't think at this point in time, their relationship would work. i think it's an interesting narrative device, but i don't want to see it play out in reality.

that being said!

what's worrying me is that two discussions are being conflated here that shouldn't be. sam having agency and being a little more grown™ than he's perceived to be does not suddenly make his relationship with rebecca justified. i had decided to bring it up because sam was being brought into the spotlight again and i was starting to realizing that his infantilization was more common than i felt comfortable with.

sam's infantilization (and i will continue to call it that), is a microaggression. it's is in the range of microaggressions that i would categorize as 'fandom overcompensation'. we have a prominent character of color that exhibits traits that aren't stereotypical, and we don't want to appear racist or stereotypical, so we lean hard in the other direction. they're not aggressive, they're a Sweet Baby, they're not world weary, they're now a little naive. they're not cold and distant, they're so nice and sweet that there's no one that wouldn't want approach them, and yeah, on their face, these new traits are a departure and, on their face, they seem they look really good.

but at a certain point, it reaches an inflection point, and, like the aftertaste of a diet coke, that alleged sweetness veers into something a lot less sweet. it veers into a lack of agency for the character. it veers into an innocence that appears to indicate that the person can't even take care of themselves. it veers into a one-dimensional characterization that doesn't allow for any depth or negative emotion.

it's not kind anymore. it's not a nice departure from negative stereotypes. it's not compensating for anything.

it's patronizing.

it is important that we emphasize that characters of color are more than the toxic stereotypes we lay on them, yes, but we make a mistake in thinking that the solution is overcorrection. for one thing, people of color can usually tell. don't get it twisted, it's actually pretty obvious. for another, it just shifts from one dimension to another. people of color are still supposed to be Only One Character Trait while white people can contain multitudes. ted, who is pretty much as pollyanna as they come, can be at once innocent and naive and deep and troubled and funny and scared. jamie can be a prick and sexy and also lonely and also a victim of abuse. sam, however, even though he was bullied (by jamie, no less), is thousands of miles away from home, and has led a protest on his team, is usually just characterized as human sunshine with much less acknowledgement of any other traits beyond that.

and that's why i cringe when fandom calls sam a Sweet Baby Boy without any sense of irony. is that all we're taking away? after all this time? even for a comedy, sam has received a substantive of screen time over two whole seasons, and we've seen a range of emotions from him. so as a black person it's hurtful that it's boiled down to Sweet Baby Boy.

that's the problem. we need to subvert stereotypes, but more importantly, we need to understand that people of color are not props, or pieces of cardboard for their white counterparts. they are full and actualized and have agency in their own right and they can have other emotions than Angry and Mean or Sweet and Bubbly without any nuance between the two. i think the show actually does a relatively good job of giving sam depth (relatively, always room for improvement, mind you), especially holding it in tension with his youth, but the fandom, i worry, does not.

it's the same reason why finn from star wars started out as the next male protagonist in the sequel trilogy but by the third movie was just running around yelling for REY!! it's the same reason why when people make Phase 4 Is the Phase For Therapy gifsets for the mcu and show wanda maximoff, loki, and bucky barnes crying and being sad but purposefully exclude sam wilson who had an entire show to tell us how difficult his life is, because people find out if pee oh sees are also complex, they'll tell the church.

and the reason why i picked up on this very early on is because i am an organic, certified fresh, 100% homegrown, non-gmo, a little ashy, indigenous sub saharan African black person. the ghanaian tribes i'm descended from have told me so, my black ass parents have told me so, and the nurses at the hospital in [insert asian country here] that started freaking out about how curly my hair was as my mother was mid pushing me out told me so!

and this stuff has real life implications. listen: being patronized as a black person sucks. do you know how many times i was patted on the back for doing quite honestly, the bare minimum in school? do you know how many times i was told how 'well spoken' or 'eloquent' i was because i just happen to have a white accent or use three syllable words? do you know how many times i've been cooed over by white women who couldn't get over how sweet i was just because i wasn't confrontational or rude like they wrongly expected me to be?

that's why they're called microaggressions. it's not a cross on your lawn or having the n-word spat in your face, but it cuts you down little by little until you're completely drained.

so that's the nuance. that's the subversion. the overcompensation is not a good thing. and people of color (and i suspect, even white people) have picked up on, in general, the different ways fandom treats sam and dani and even nate. what all of these discussions are converging on is fandom racism, which is not the diet form of racism, but another place for racism to reveal itself. and yeah, it's uncomfortable. it can seem out of left field. you may want to defend yourself. you may want to explain it away. but let me tap the sign on the proverbial bus:

if you are a white person, or a person of color who is not part of that racial group, even, you do not get to decide what is not racist for someone. full stop. there are no exceptions. there is no exit clause for you. there is no 'but, actually-'. that right wasn't even yours to cede or waive.

(it's also important to note that people of color also have the right to disagree on whether something is racist, but that doesn't necessarily negate the racism - it just means there's more to discuss and they can still leave with different interpretations)

people don't just whip out accusations of racism like a blue eyes white dragon in a yu-gi-oh duel. it's not fun for us. it's not something we like to do to muzzle people we don't want to engage with. and we're not concerned with making someone feel bad or ashamed. we're exposing something painful that we have to live with and, even worse, process literally everything we experience through. we can't turn it off. we can't be 'less sensitive' or 'less nitpicky'. we are literally the primary resources, we are the proverbial wikipedia articles with 3,000 sources when it comes to racism. who else would know more than us?

what 2020 has shown us very clearly is that racism is systemic. it's not always a bunch of Evil White Men rubbing their hands together in a dark room wondering how they're going to use the 'n-word' today. it's systemic. it's the way you call that one neighborhood 'sketchy'. it's how you use 'ratchet' and 'ghetto' when describing something bad. it's how you implicitly the assume the intelligence of your friend of color. it's the way you turned up your nose and your friend's food and bullied them for it in middle school but go to restaurants run by white people who have 'uplifted' it with inauthentic ingredients. it's telling someone how Well Spoken and Eloquent they are even though you've both gone to the same schools and work at the same workplace. it's the way you look down at some people of color for having a different body type than you because they've been redlined to neighborhoods where certain foods and resources are inaccessible, and yet mock up the racial features that appeal to you either through makeup or plastic surgery.

it's how when a person of color behaves badly, they're irredeemable, but a white person performing the same act or something similar is 'having a bad day' or 'isn't normally like this' or 'has room to grow' and we can't 'wait for their redemption arc', and yes, i'm not going to cover it in detail in this post but yes this is very much about nate. other people have also brought up the nuances in his arc and compared them to other white characters so i won't do it here.

these behaviors and reactions aren't planned. they aren't orchestrated. they're quite literally unconscious because they've been lovingly baked into western society for centuries. you can't wake up and be rid of it. whether you intended it or not, it can still be racist.

and it's actually quite hurtful and unfair to imply that concerns about racism in the TL fandom are unfounded or lacking any depth or simply meant to be sensational because you simply don't agree with it. i wish it was different, but it doesn't work that way. i'm not raising this up to 'call out' or shame people, but i'm adding to this discussion because, through how we talk about sam, and even dani and nate, i'm yet again seeing a pattern that has shortchanged people of color and made them feel unwelcome in fandom for far too long.

coach beard said it best: we need to do better.

[rahleeyah]

Thanks for answering even months later 😊 OH and don't get me started on the christmas ep! I too am still angry about it!!! I really really wanted that to have been processed somehow and I was hoping it would at least come up in therapy: you know, your life hasn't been easy during this last year, it's okay to be sad... NOPE it's Elliot's/your lack of a romantic relationship's fault, like what???

the fucking christmas episode tho. liv and noah are at church??? (this is related to something that's been on my mind lately, how much of liv's character has been eroded in recent seasons, how they have blunted her rough edges and made her "soft" in so many ways that feel like "she's of a certain age and she's a mother she can't be a bulldog anymore she has to be sweet" and that is. a) not a good look and b) not true to who olivia IS) which doesn't make any sense bc apart from having baby noah blessed in a church (also. sidebar. amanda's from georgia. what are the chances she went to a church where babies get baptized i'm sorry i do not believe she was raised catholic) we have had zero reason to suspect that liv has been going to church all this time although. i can't remember now. has liv come out and said in recent seasons that she believes in god now? or is that just a fanon thing i'm thinking of? ooooh there's something about liv turning to the church after elliot is gone as a way to still feel close to him but that is neither here nor there lemme rein this in-

so we have the squad being ripped away from their families on christmas to work a hate crimes case (bc WL is still salty his hate crimes show didn't get made, which, thank god it didn't, they do not possess the nuance to produce that show with grace), we have the retconning of murphy and rollins' relationship/baby stuff, we have amanda's parents looking after the girls and noah which is INSANE bc her mother is an awful bitch who treated amanda like shit and her dad is an abusive alcoholic why were those children not with the carisis. we have the initial red herring, which was super racist and never revisited and wasted a bunch of time, NOT TO MENTION that for a white supremacy storyline a lot of the actors were not actually white?? and rollins flashing a white power sign on tv which imo was unnecessary and yes she was only doing it to entrap that guy but given their whole "we needed a character to represent the Good Kind Of Republican, bc that's definitely an underrepresented group, and we might as well use the southern girl bc they're all like that, right?" thing was in extremely bad taste. and then liv shoots some dude in front of a crowd of witnesses on christmas day and no one goes to comfort her. no one goes to speak to her. murphy says merry christmas, not dryly, not ironically, no liv says thank you like she thought he was being sincere and then he vanishes again. fade to black. never mentioned again, not even once.

no one steps up for olivia. we do not get to see olivia and rollins with their kids. we never hear about it again, like it never even happened.

bc to WL et al, it didn't bear revisiting. all they cared about was the "she saved the city" narrative; there was zero care for olivia as a person. which has kinda become par for the course over the last two seasons; svu does not care about her personhood. they care about her as a prop. they had her stand still while men emoted around her, doing nothing but covering her heart in a sweet gesture of compassion. they waited until the finale to allow her to express any of what she's been feeling, and like you said pinned it all on elliot, WITHOUT EVEN ACTUALLY LETTING OLIVIA TELL US HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT HIM. they had lindstrom and barba - they had two men - tell us what olivia is feeling.

jesus christ. i am so glad they're bringing in fresh blood. it is desperately needed.

[jostenneil]

you watched pattinson's batman? how was it👀👀?

detailed thoughts on the film below. i don't think any of this is spoilery except for one thing i say in the riddler bullet point but even then i don't think it will ruin anything for you

i actually liked the first half of it. the sleuthing aspect was fun and in general i like the way they set up that bruce goes about his work as batman. the cave, the way he works through film, the tech, the stuff with the cyphers. it was neat and i liked the aesthetic of it all

the penguin was the most enjoyable character of the entire film for me. which is deeply depressing considering he’s the penguin and like who the hell is going to give a shit about him when everyone else is there. but colin farrell is an actor and he delivered and i found his mannerisms to be incredibly memorable

speaking of acting. robert is an incredible actor! this is undeniable. he does the awkward boy who broods and silently yearns act very well. but that’s what it is. boyish. it feels like i’m watching a character who’s a petulant, self absorbed teenager rather than an adult who made a conscious decision to protect people and go out of his way to save even the most trivial life. i feel like the way his character was portrayed would work for one of those stories about teenage bruce learning how to fight and how to control his emotions but i don’t think it really works for a newly minted batman who’s aware of the circumstances he’s working with and who understands that his work as bruce wayne is as impt as his work as the batman. it's a weird clash of perspectives bc obv bruce in his first year or so of being batman is somewhat awkward and still feeling his way around things. but what i love about year one bruce is that being new to it means he's careful. it means he holds back. he's not just going to pound town and siccing himself on every criminal within vicinity. and that's what the movie makes difficult bc it tries to pair the awkwardness with the aggression and. i don't think it works? bruce just feels like a glob of a character whose arc is fraying in several different directions. and it's sad bc, as i said, robert's a great actor. he absolutely could have pulled it off had the script been more concerned with appreciating bruce as a character rather than trying to deconstruct him. but alas

selina is an oc. they do pull from the long halloween with carmine falcone being her father, but past the mere fact of that everything about her in the film is completely original material. and again, similarly to bruce, the film doesn't really know which direction to take with her. it doesn't know whether to make her a cynical vigilante or a hero for the people. she's just kind of. . . there. she's not even catwoman, really. she's a girl in a suit and she breaks into a safe to help save her friend. but there's nothing about what drove her to become catwoman or what makes the catwoman identity special bc her personhood doesn't really matter. her personhood has never mattered in the loeb stories. she's just an extension of other people and has no real background to call her own except for the men in the story that it connects her to, and that translates into the movie here as well. zoe is also unfortunately an average actor at best. by the fifth time she said honey i was starting to roll my eyes and it was definitely robert carrying their scenes together despite the fact that all he was doing was staring (very powerful stare)

remember how i said the script for this movie was written by that guy who wrote a story where leslie was a black therapist who threatened to call the cops on bruce if he didn't go to therapy? take that brand of white liberalism and then apply it to an entire three hour movie. this is something else i forgot to mention with selina but she more or less existed to do nothing but lecture bruce about his negligence of ordinary people. there's a scene where she's talking about her friend, a prostitute who's died, and bruce is so dismissive of her concerns in a way that's absolutely baffling bc, yes, bruce will obv condone criminals who harm others, but what would he realistically have against prostitutes? in selina's first solo volume it's him who's trying to convince her that he'll try to find a way to stick up for holly after a cop beats her up and it's selina saying that no one's going to take a whore's word for it. i think the thing a lot of modern writers seem to forget in trying to build this dynamic between bruce and selina where she lectures him for his privilege is that he literally used to be the guy who believed she had some good in her while everyone else wrote her off. he was the guy showing concern and empathy for her where no one else was. and it's like. as a bc shipper would you not want to see that adapted. like what is interesting or fun about a relationship where one person just lectures at the other about privilege why would you not want to see the version of bruce that believes in selina from day one bc he cares. idgi. but back to the point, that's where the movie's white liberalism more or less centers itself. there's another black woman in the movie who's similarly tokenized so that's fun too lol

the thing with thomas and martha. . . lmao. in general the movie's a holistic example of why it's better to sometimes accept the state of things bc that's simply how a genre works rather than attempt to "deconstruct" it. do we need to have a super deep reason for bruce becoming the batman beyond him going through a traumatic experience and never wanting anyone else to relive it? i don't think so. this is cape comics and everyone dresses up to play hero. roll with it. do we need to question the inspiration bruce takes from his father in terms of preservation of life or a commitment to do good? i don't think so. the movie doesn't go all the way there with questioning the waynes and merely presents it as a "mistake" thomas once made, but it's still just. . . so unnecessary to me like what is so wrong about bruce loving his dad and taking inspo from him. why does there need to be something inherently flawed in thomas so that bruce can prove that he's better. what's the narrative worth in it

ok after so many negatives i do have another positive. i actually did like gordon as a character and his dynamic with bruce a lot. their banter was very fun and the commentary on how cops can abuse their power was probably the least in your face thing of the entire movie and actually felt quite natural. obv it can't be perfect and allow the conclusion about police abolition to be reached, but it's like. decent for a take on gordon and i gelled with it

alfred is complicated bc i actually really liked his actor and i thought him helping bruce with the puzzles was very cute and fun, but the movie tries to hammer in this arc all of a sudden out of nowhere about how bruce takes alfred for granted and doesn't realize it until alfred nearly gets blown up. like ok. ig. maybe it would hit harder if alfred's total screen time wasn't under idk five minutes. ironically it felt very true to the comics in that. using the butler for a really heavily emotional moment on one page and then forgetting he exists for the next twenty. standard fare batman existence

i like the cinematography! i'm not a film expert so i don't have the words to talk about any of it and admittedly it was still pretty annoyingly dark (like physically, i mean. obv thematically it was too but here i mean physically) even if it was an improvement from just How dark some cbm's can be but i liked the shots for the most part yknow like it made for a cool action movie. it was about a bunch of ocs but it was fun to watch in terms of a visual

OH i forgot another part of the liberalism thing was the riddler. can you believe that. the riddler. i was going through this movie wondering why the fack the riddler would care about scrubbing gotham clean of its elite, corrupt scum and in the end it was bc he was like. an orphan or something and thought none of the rich understood how miserable that experience was growing up. like damn could you not just make the guy a psycho obsessed with clues. did he need to have a tragic backstory (granted idk shit about the riddler so idk maybe i am wrong here and he is in fact that tragic in the comics. who knows. it was still confusing for me tho and i think it ended up just diluting what made the long halloween murders so special bc gilda was the one behind them)

ok i know i just posted but i’m already adding something lmao. to add onto the previous bullet, i think the thing that doesn’t work about the movie’s white liberal message is the fact that it tries to adapt a comic arc where the writer is literally not thinking of class consciousness in any capacity. like jeph loeb and tim sale were just coming up with a fun murder mystery they didn’t give a single damn that the people dying were elite and that no one was paying attention to the suffering poor people. even selina in the story is concerned with finding potential security (both financially and emotionally) in the falcone family rather than scorning them. this just was not the story to adapt if they wanted to make a critique about class consciousness 

trying to think of another positive and i just rememberd JAY LYCURGO is in it. for some reason. he's right at the beginning in this small scene like he doesn't really matter for the whole of the movie or anything but goodness he makes such a good broken puppy dog face. not suited to tim as a character at all (he doesn't play tim in this movie he's just some rando) but god bless his heart he knows how to look positively adorable

ok last thing but yknow that sneak peek clip with like the funeral hall and bruce diving to save the boy when the car slams inside. there's a subtle attempt made to try to parallel bruce to the boy bc he's also a recent orphan but they have him and bruce share looks like twice and then after bruce dives to save him the boy is never to be seen again. that actually made me sad bc i think it would have been a good thread to follow through to the end and to help remind bruce of why he was doing this whole thing yknow but lol. if they weren't going to do that they should have saved it for a movie where they were going to introduce dick

the villain they foreshadow at the end. eye roll

[softtransbf]

Mister Nice Guy, part 2

part one

Summary: Shit hits the fan, and the rest of the BAU is done with it.

Word Count: 3523

Reader: he/him trans man, no physical description

Warnings: case involving targeting gay people, brief mention of a child abduction case, coming out/anxiety of experiencing transphobia (no actual transphobia though), alcohol, swearing

@aleccolocco (sorry it took so long to finish lol)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"No, that doesn't make any sense at all, doctor!" you spat his title. "He's not jealous of these couples, killing what he can't have, or a homophobe, punishing gay people for being happy. He's putting an end to their unhappy relationships. He sees it as mercy." Over the months, your cold war with Reid turned into outright conflict, and tonight, alone in the police station in Oregon, was no exception. Hotchner had tasked the two of you with presenting the preliminary profile the next morning, and it was going as well as conversations ever went.

"We have no evidence that he knows they're unhappy, though. All of his victims are clearly happy in their relationships," Reid challenged.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. "Please. One look at their social media and it's obvious that the relationships are on the rocks."

"Where do you get that? All I see are typical happy relationships. Selfies, checking into special events together, posts about kind things one does for the other. Nothing indicating a troubled relationship to me."

"The gentlemen doth protest too much. They're painting an overly happy painting on social media, hoping that some of that happiness will actually become real. They're desperate for the relationship to work."

"Let's say you're right. I don't think you are, but let's pretend for the sake of trying to see your logic through. Why? Why would they be so desperate to save a failing relationship?"

"God, straight men just don't fucking get it!" You went to grab a file, missing his small flinch. "You don't understand how limited the dating pool for men who are into men is. Look at the most recent couple in particular. The most lovey-dovey on social media, and got the most brutal deaths."

"Yes, because they were the happiest. My theory holds," Reid interrupted.

"No. Look, this guy put way more out there on social media than his partner, and look at the pictures he posted. Look how forced his smile is, look at the body language. He needs this relationship to work, because dating as a gay man is one thing, dating as a gay trans man is almost impossible. Having to start over and deal with transphobia over and over again is worse than being in a bad relationship. In his eyes, I mean." Shit, the first person I come out to on this team cannot be Spencer fucking Reid. He doesn't deserve the honor.

"That was yesterday. We haven't gotten the autopsy report yet. How could you possibly know that he's trans?"

"Testosterone vials and needles in the bathroom. Neither of them are old enough for a cis man to reasonably have issues that require testosterone injections. It's HRT, hormone replacement therapy."

"Even if you're right, your conclusion still seems like a much bigger jump than mine, that the killer sees the relationships as happy and is lashing out at that, be it from jealousy or homophobia."

"Whatever. You'll see tomorrow, when we talk to the M.E., that he was trans, and that fact backs me up. I am absolutely right about this, and you will eat your words. Then I will present my theory, and you can choke on yours."

"We? You anticipate us spending more time together?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I meant 'we' as in the team, asshat. The world doesn't revolve around you. Mine sure as hell doesn't. I'm gonna go back to the hotel, write my own damn preliminary profile, and try to get some fucking sleep. Clearly we won't agree on this."

"We don't ever agree on anything," he pointed out.

"Not true. We agree that we dislike each other and can't get along. Good night, doctor." You turned and walked away, not giving him a chance to respond.

This man is going to be the death of me, he thought as he watched you walk away.

~

The autopsy report came in the next day, and you were right. The tech team also found a locked notes app on his phone that catalogued his unhappiness and fear of leaving. You presented your preliminary profile to the team. Reid didn't even argue; he just sat in silence, leaving the room as soon as you were finished. Never one to pass up a chance to gloat for beating him, you offered to get coffee for the team, got everyone's order, and left shortly behind him.

You were expecting to catch up to him, his impossibly long legs be damned. You weren't expecting him to be waiting for you. He pulled you into an empty interrogation room and pushed you up against a wall, his face just inches from yours. It was only a moment before being flustered by the closeness and those goddamn eyes were replaced by anger.

"What the FUCK, Reid?"

"What game are you playing, Y/N? What game are we playing? What's your endgame?" He spoke quickly and softly, but there was an intensity in his voice that had you captivated.

"I'm the one playing games?" You pushed him back, away from you. "You're the one who decided to hate me before we even met. When I transferred, all I wanted was to do a good job and fit in with the team. But quite literally from the minute I walked through the door, you'd decided you hate me. Turnabout is just fair play, gorgeous." Oh, fuck.

"Gorgeous?" You walked past him to the other side of the room, running a hand through your hair and turning your back on him. "Fine. Yeah, okay? I wanted approval from the brilliant and handsome Doctor Spencer Reid. In a way that's respectful of your heterosexuality, of course." You turned around and faced him again. "But that doesn't matter, because you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me right off the bat."

"What makes you think I'm straight?" He's fucking with me, now that that cat is out of the bag. Great. Fucking cishet men. Even he's no different. Thank god he still thinks I'm cis.

"Garcia mentioned in her newbie-run-down that you're 'awkward, but in a cute way, especially around women'. Plus, she mentioned that Emily is bi, leaving everyone else implied straight as even the best cishet allies are wont to do. And as we both know, Penelope knows everything.

And before you make the hearsay argument I can see forming in that brilliant head of yours, I've heard and seen too much about your impeccable memory to assume you don't remember when we all went to the bar after my first case. I was unabashedly Queer, friendly flirting with Derek and calling out cishet bullshit. When I did the latter, you literally rolled your eyes and walked away. Which is, funnily enough, some cishet bullshit. 

JJ said you were just going through a thing and things would get better, but they just got worse. I'm not going to ask you to spill whatever was going on, because it's not my business, but god damn, dude. Why did you hate me so much so quickly?"

"You asked JJ about me?" He took a few steps towards you, a small smile on his face.

"That's the part you focused on? Jesus fucking Christ. Yes, I asked her about why you decided to hate me before we even met. Whatever. I hope you got whatever you were looking for by pulling me in here. I'm done. Done with this conversation, done with whatever has been going on with you and us since the day I transferred." You turned to leave, but he grabbed your arm. It was barely more than a light touch, but you let it stop you.

"Y/N. I can't-" he sighed. "God, you make my head spin. I can't organize my thoughts enough to say what I want to. JJ was right, there was something I had to work through, and I guess you'd made up your mind about me before I figured it out. It isn't an excuse for how I treated you, just an explanation. As for the more recent development of arguments… I guess I read a subtext that wasn't there. I could never dislike you, let alone hate you. I am truly sorry for- for all of it." With three long strides, he was out the door.

Make his head spin? What subtext? Since when is he unable to say what's on his mind? And what was that about not disliking me? All we've done since we met is argue or ignore each other. Why else would he act like that? Why do I even care? Why am I so knotted up about what he's thinking and feeling? Whatever. Fuck him, and not in the fun way. I've gotta go get coffee for the team. As you were getting the coffee, you couldn't get the memory of his face, so close to yours, to stop playing in your head.

The rest of the case was mostly as normal, but there was an energy between you and Spencer that was distant like when you joined the team, but there was something else to it that you couldn't quite put your finger on. It made you a little bit sad, though, for reasons you didn't understand.

~

"I love you, Y/N. I love you so much. I pulled away from you because it terrified me how much I loved you from the moment you walked through the door that first day. Being around you, even when we were arguing, made me feel alive in a way I never had before. You're all I think about, you're all I could ever want. I love you."

"I… I love you too." You didn't know which one of you moved, maybe you both did, but in an instant, you were kissing Spencer Reid, and you couldn't have been happier.

-

You woke up with a start, breathing heavily. You looked around; you were in your room, home alone, and it was 3:37 am. What the hell was that?

Four hours later, you trudged through the door of the BAU office, venti red-eye in hand. You made it about ten steps before Derek had his arm around your shoulders.

"Whoa there, hot stuff. Rough night?" You tried to shake him off, but he wouldn't budge, so you just kept walking, making him go with you towards your desk.

"So not your business, Derek. You being open with your personal life doesn't mean we all have to be open like that with ours."

"Personal life, huh? So who is he? More importantly, how was he, and should we expect more mornings like this in the future?" You rolled your eyes and playfully shoved him away. You'd reached your desk, so you sat on top of it, facing him. As you did, you made eye contact with Spencer, who was well within earshot. His face was unreadable, and you weren't sure why him hearing Morgan tease you like that upset you. It never had before.

"No, Derek. There's no one. Just some nightmares. Nothing major; I'll be fine by tomorrow." You got off your desk, sat in your chair, and logged into your laptop. Derek whistled and walked away without another word, shaking his head.

You tried to focus on the paperwork you needed to get done, but you couldn't stop thinking about that dream. The feeling of his lips on yours… it felt so real.

This is ridiculous. Love? We don't even like each other. Well… there was the stuff he was saying yesterday- 'I could never dislike you, let alone hate you', and some sort of subtext? But not disliking someone is a far cry from love. Plus, he's straight, so this is all absurd. And even if he DID have feelings for me, I sure as hell don't return them. I mean, maybe he's not as awful as I've thought, especially if he wasn't coming from a place of dislike. And he really is very pretty. Those eyes… Wait, what the fuck? This is all fucking ridiculous. I just need to get a full night's sleep tomorrow, and all this weirdness will be gone.

You took a giant gulp of your coffee, shook your head, and ran your fingers through your hair. Fortunately, Hotchner called a team meeting, forcing your attention to other things.

While no case could ever be described as 'normal', this case was pretty cut and dry, once you figured out what you were looking for. No dramatic twist, no tense showdown at his arrest. There weren't many cases like that, but you were very glad that this one was. You never sleep well when on a case, and no matter what you did, you couldn't shake that dream, the butterflies it left in your stomach every time you looked at him, and the strange disappointment when, unlike before that moment in Oregon, he wasn't looking at you.

Two more weeks passed. The energy between you and Spencer, whatever force it was that had drawn you together to argue again and again, was gone. You were polite to each other, and cooperated as necessary, but didn't do more than the bare minimum when it came to interacting with each other. Your interactions were cold and low-spirited. So you were so glad for a fun night out with Penelope, Emily, and JJ.

"So, Y/N, things seem… different… between you and Spencer these days. Did something happen?" Emily's tone made it clear that the three of them had intended to bring this up long before the plan to get drinks was even made. "I appreciate y'all waiting until I had a couple of drinks in me at least before going here. I guess we just got tired of fighting? I don't know. I can't figure out what's going on in that brilliant head of his. I thought I at least knew where I stood with him, even though it was purely adversarial, but I think I was wrong. But then that leaves me with no idea what he thinks of me or why I care so damn much."

"Really? No idea at all?" JJ asked. "I remember walking by a closed door in the police station in Oregon and hearing the word 'gorgeous' being thrown around." "Oh my god. You heard that?" You buried your face in your hands, and they all laughed.

"Yeah, I did, but only that one word. I'd figured you were on the phone with someone, but then you and Spence both started acting sad. I wasn't sure, of course, that you were talking to him until just now."

"Fuck. Okay, yeah. I think he's pretty. But I'm absolutely not alone in that. Derek calls him Pretty Boy, for goodness' sake. Appreciating someone's beauty doesn't have to mean anything more."

"Y/N, really? After everything we've been through together, you're gonna lie to us like this? Whatever happened, you've both been miserable since, and it's throwing the whole team off balance."

"What do you want me to say, Penelope? That I'm in love with him? He's pretentious and a know-it-all and a nerd and funny and kind and gorgeous and oh my God. I think I'm in love with him." The three women clapped and cheered.

"Finally, you get there! Took you long enough." Emily winked. "So, what's the plan now?"

"Keep this shit between us until my feelings go away. Even if he wasn't straight, I wouldn't risk fucking things up by telling him how I felt. As it is, I stand no chance in hell, so I'm just gonna write this one off as another straight guy I've fallen for and try to move on."

"Y/N, if you tell him-" Penelope started.

"No. You, more than anyone, know why I can't even entertain the idea of trying to be with him. I can't set myself up for that kind of pain. Not here, not where things are so good." You looked at all three of them. "I know that your intentions were good, but I just can't do this. I'm sorry." You grabbed your coat and left.

Your interactions with Spencer changed yet again. Now that you knew you loved him, you couldn't help yourself from being warmer towards him. As the weeks passed, you got closer. After three weeks, you considered him to be a good friend, not that that made things any less painful. You were just hoping that Penelope, Emily, and JJ were going to respect your wishes and drop the subject of your feelings for him.

[From: Penelope]: round table room ASAP

Shit. The last time you'd gotten that text from Penelope, the team left on a serial child abduction case 30 minutes later. So, despite it being your day off, you ran out the door and were there with your go bag in 15 minutes.

But no one else was there. No files on the table, nothing to indicate that there was a new case. You pulled out your phone to call Penelope, but then you heard a commotion outside the door- you'd closed it behind you.

"No, Derek, wait, I don't-"

"Can it, Pretty Boy, and thank me later." Derek opened the door, pushed Spencer into the room, winked at you, and shut the door, all in about 3 seconds.

"Spencer. Um, hi. Is the rest of the team not going to join us? Garcia's text seemed pretty urgent." You tucked your phone into your pocket.

"I don't think so, since I just heard Morgan barricade the door." He tried to open the door and failed.

"Oh my god they're Parent Trapping us. I'm gonna kill them."

Spencer tilted his head, confused. "Parent Trapping?"

"Oh my god have you not seen any of the Parent Trap movies? Were you living under a rock in 1998?" "I was seventeen and working on my first doctorate, so pretty much, yeah," he laughed. You couldn't help but laugh, too, as you firmly ignored how his smile made you absolutely melt.

"Fair enough. The '61 one is good too, but the '98 Lindsay Lohan one is Iconic for good reason. Anyway. The point is, they've locked us in here and won't let us out until we have a conversation."

"Just a conversation? Or do they want us to talk about something in particular?" He took a seat at the table.

"I- yeah, they have a particular topic in mind. I'm so sorry. This is my fault. I was tipsy and said things I should have just kept to myself. I thought they'd respected my wishes and left well enough alone, but clearly they didn't. And they won't let us out of here until I tell you-" you hesitated.

"Tell me what?" He leaned forward, and part of you swore you saw hope in his beautiful brown eyes. You looked at the floor, avoiding them.

"Tell you that I… have feelings for you. Romantic, cheesy, butterflies-in-my-stomach feelings. I don't know why they want me to tell you this. We've just gotten to a good place as friends, and you're straight, and-"

Somehow you missed the sound of him getting up and taking the few steps over to you, because you practically jumped out of your skin when his hands were suddenly on your shoulders.

"Y/N. Please, darling, look at me?" Bewildered by the endearment, you did, and his smile was blinding. "I'm not straight. I'm bi, and I think part of me has been in love with you since your first day at the BAU. The thing JJ said I was working through? The potential problems of having feelings for a coworker. For you. As soon as you walked through that door", he pointed and then took both your hands in his, "I loved you. The night at the bar? I was rolling my eyes at myself for how much I wanted to kiss you, and I walked away to stop myself from doing something reckless. I love you, Y/N. Can I do something reckless?"

"I'm trans," you blurted. "I hope that doesn't change anything, but it's something you should know. If knowing that I'm trans changes things, now is the time for you to say something. If it's a problem and it blows up later, it might actually kill me. Because I love you, too. So much. If it doesn't change anything, then please, Spencer, kiss me."

The words were barely out of your mouth before his lips were on yours. You weren't sure how long you were kissing before you were interrupted by cheers from the other side of the door. "Shit, Spencer, they're going to be the worst about this, aren't they?" You were a bit embarrassed by how breathy your voice was, but you were too happy to really care.

"Oh yeah. We're not going to get a moment that's just us in this building ever again. Do you want to get it over with and face them, or would you prefer we stay in this moment a bit longer?"

"What do you think, doctor?" you asked, pulling him in for another kiss.

[ladyalienist]

Health, size, and honestly fuck everything.

I wouldn't want to write this post, but here we are. I mean, this is the most anonymous I can get.

In January 2020, before this whole Covid mess started, my head started spinning at random.

It was slightly uncomfortable, but I could do stuff while slightly uncomfortable. I'm used to doing stuff while in pain.

In March 2020 I received an endometriosis diagnosis - after thirteen years of pain and bathroom gore one week a month, five different oestrogen pills that worsened the situation (to this day, I haven't spent ONE DAY in my adult life without taking some hormonal pill) and TWO YEARS OF ME SAYING "I have endometriosis, I have every symptom, PLEASE HELP ME!".

Finally I had a therapy that made me feel better - no more The Shining blood-in-the-corridor scene! No more pain! Just follow religiously the regimen of progesterone and supplements for the side effects and you'll be fine! Still fatigued as fuck, still suffering from dyspareunia, but who cares.

My head kept on spinning at random. I didn't bother.

I don't go to the doctor unless it's extremely necessary. It's not a matter of money - my country has free healthcare, thank you very very much - it's about how I was treated. Not listened to, my problems overlooked, diagnosed at best with "fat" and at worse with "maybe it's all in your head, sweetie", the very few time I was in for somethig that couldn't possibly be reduced to "fat" the exams were invasive and painful and included screaming at me for flinching. And then a "lose weight, anyway".

I won't go on and on with rambling about my misfortunes with doctors, but anyway, in late June my head spins a lot and it's not just being slightly uncomfortable, it's "I'm risking to fall and hit my head every morning when I get up and I can't do shit". I go to my doctor this morning.

This woman who had me as a patient for about a decade makes her visit and assumption - not that important, it's not the point - prescribes me more in-depth exams and one medicine that should help, and then proceeds to tell me "you must really be sick to come, you're not the type who ever goes to the doctor". Yeah ma'am, maybe if you had listened to me when I came the first two times I'd trust you better. Then she sends me to a very kind nurse who needs some information to make a new file about me. Including height and weight.

Based on BMI I am obese. And I am fat. Like, I'm a really big and intimidating sturdy woman. But I have unbreakable bones and a strong build and even when I'm not doing any sports I can still lift most of my friends up and spend a whole day marching. I am undeniably fat and I'd need to lose weight, but I'm far from being the kind of obese most people imagine when saying the word. Like, many people including males in seeing me genuinely don't think I'm in any way medically problematic.

BMI is shit. It's shit on so many levels. Everyone knows that. Yet the nurse kinda frowns, she didn't expect those numbers.

I go out from the doctor. It's a nice, sunny day.

I am thinking about killing myself once again.

I think about all of the desperate work I put into learning how to take pleasure from food and still eating healthy - once a week I have pizza. Once a week I might have a sandwich with a bit of mayo or a sushi lunch. No soda of any kind. Some biscuits at breakfast because in my culture breakfast is carby and sweet - but my breakfast is overall not that big deal. I don't drink alcohol. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. I try to be intuitive and follow the needs of my body. I take long walks whenever I can - if I can't it's because university is a fucking full time job nobody ever recognizes and I get TIRED.

I'm fat and no amount of salad can change that. My weight stayed the same for seven years after school no matter what and how much I ate. Science is telling us that size is 90% genetics and epigenetics and diet culture is killing people.

I tried to learn how to enjoy eating and how to do it in front of other people and how to share. But now I'm having thoughts about how much I need to lose and how to do - no more weekly pizza? No more sushi? Never again? A sad sad life of counting calories and going back into massacring my body in sports the way I did when I was a teenager? Or maybe I could finally fit (haha) the criteria for bariatic surgery, so I can have exactly one slice of pizza per week and be satisfied with it for the rest of my life. Still a bit sad but fine, I guess. I wasn't meant for pleasure anyway.

I think about how people were grossed out by my body and mocked and ridiculed me and whoever looked like me. Thin was the price to pay for being free to exist, for being at least a girl/woman - not even a person, misoginy still counts, but a girl/woman. A fat girl, a fat woman, is less than that, she's scum.

I think about how the men (boys actually) I partnered with were delighted with the fact that they could hit me and be rough - I could take the pain and no serious damage was ever done. But fucking me and hitting me did not make me their girlfriend. Their reputation could be ruined, God forbid. The very first male friend who didn't actually bother about being seen in public spaces with me... well I met him at 20, exactly 20, it was my birthday.

I think about the repulsion I feel in the morning when I shower and I see and feel my naked body.

Yesterday a friend of mine, a friend of mine who says I'm beautiful, who calls me "hottie" on a regular basis, and I were drinking a cocktail. She took a picture of me for Instagram and I was OK with it. Now I think about how people might see me and feel the same repulsion. I get them.

I think about a woman my age who just died in my country because of bariatic surgery. She went under and never woke up. She was just like me, big and sturdy but healthy, happy. She had a boyfriend and friends - one friend in common with me indeed - but the job market wanted her to be skinny. So she died.

I raise my gaze and see a man, his lower abdomen so bloated it hurts to watch, slowly walking to somewhere. I don't want to blame a guy who has done nothing but exist, but... has he ever thought about his body in the same terms I think of mine? Look at his slow slow walk... entirely different from my fast and nervous pace, the one that has my acquaintances and friends screaming "where the fuck are you running please wait for us short-legged people you valkyrie", fast and nervous not only because I have places to go but mostly because I have calories to burn. Does he know that fast walking makes you healthier? He doesn't seem to know. Health for him is a non concern.

I'd deserve a healthcare system that does something for me. What I have is ineffective measures for serious problems and a useless culture that would rather have me die in an unnecessary surgery than just reconsider it's priorities. Tell that woman that it was for her health. Please, go on her grave and tell her.

I get to a bar.

"Good morning, may I have a coffee cream, please?"

My head has not stopped spinning yet.

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom 14-20 thoughts!! I finished up s1 :D these last few eps were actually really really good!!!

-did. did tucker really just say esperanto was a dead language only spoken as a secret code between geeks. google says around 100,000 people actively speak it. oh my god...it being an auxiliary language doesn't mean its 'just for geeks to speak in code' ...it helps bridge gaps between people who don't have a language in common...

-danny really isn't pulling punches when it comes to fighting the ghost-cop possessed people huh. like he SLAMMED KWAN INTO THE CONCRETE SO HARD. HE THREW PAULINA INTO A BILLBOARD. will that...I mean it WOULD carry over to their bodies non-possessed, right? like if the ghost piloting their bodies gets hurt?? itd be so upsetting to be possessed, lose time, then wake up covered in bruises (and possibly, broken bones??) real horror movie stuff im sure wont be addressed in any way

-tuckers parents seem nice! I like them :)

-WULF IS CUTE AND I FEEL BAD. im so glad the gang realized he was only causing trouble bc of the shock collar walker put on him and helped. also, him wearing that big hoodie with the hood on, and thinking its subtle. we can tell youre still a giant wolfie :) THEN GETTING SUCKED INTO THE PORTAL AAAAH :( anxiously waiting to see Him Again....

-DANNY BLASTING HIS PARENTS THINKING THEY WERE OVERSHADOWED LMFAO GET THEIR ASSES. maddie marking how many ghosts she gets with lipstick tallies on the side of her portal gun? kindaaa iconic tho. (ALSO, SHE WAS LIKE, 2 FT AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT AFTER SHE TRIED TO SHOOT HIM. HOW DO YOU NOT RECONINZE YOUR OWN SON??? like sure, he might have diff hair/eye colors. but like, if one of my family members dyed their hair, and was wearing contacts, its not like id be like 'wHO IS THIS STRANGER!!!' ...he still has all his facial features!! same everything!!! I hate it here)

-paulina being #1 girl realizing danny's a friendly ghost immediately. smart queen. lancer and kwan ran away right after he made this sweet baby face at them:

which is hilarious.

-ok. im not saying his bullying is JUSTIFIED, but. dash looked so pleased with the (cute!) poster he just painted, and danny comes thru the wall and spills paint on his nice letterman jacket. his anger is justified maybe 65% of the time so far...(not the way he handles it, but STILL.) at least lancer is stepping in!! and them making a silly little bet was...cute?? until dash pulled out his GROSS UNDERWEAR AND SAID DANNY WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEM???? WHAT THE FUCK MAN. TUCKER WAS SO RIGHT ITS FUCKING WEIRD TO CARRY THOSE AROUND EWWW. THIS KID IS UNWELL. lancer was right, his animatronic setup was SUPER IMPRESSIVE?? hes actually pretty creative. danny meanwhile is stealing the fright knight's design...I hope dash is taking art classes or smth with his sports

-fright knight is the most bestest ghost so far i LOVE THAT DESIGN. I am biased towards knights, and characters with swords, but he fucks so severely. and should sue danny for copyright infringement for stealing his design for his haunted house. if some 14 yr old broke into MY house and stole MY sword, id also be pissed. his evil winged unicorn rules too with its FANGS. and he just CAN SHOVE THE PORTAL OPEN WITH HIS HANDS??? is he the strongest ghost weve seen so far? idk but hes my fav. SOUL SHREDDER IS SUCH A COOL SWORD NAME TOO. ANY NAMED SWORD ALSO FUCKS. 'flaming bedsheets of DEATH' funny king. ALSO he was polite to dash and tucker when just asking for directions and telling tucker 'oh maybe, just a suggestion, maybe be nicer to me and be more respectful :)' I LOOOVE HIM.

-I noticed this in the Ember ep, but jazz has an electric guitar in her room!! talent musical queen!! its cool to see hobbies just in the bg.

-fright knight's murder castle reminds me of the booby trapped murder castle in zexal!! another supposedly 'for kids' show with murder/trap castles! we love that. if you are a dp fan reading this, give yugioh zexal a try. its also got 13-14 year old protags and involves (alien) ghosts. the cardgame is just a vessel for the plot, which is really good. (I just want more people to watch my fav yugioh, man)

-danny. with a SWORD.

-danny doesnt NEED TO WIN this contest, dash didnt STEAL HIS DESIGNS AND STEAL A SWORD. he also got excited to hear lancer got sent to a dimension with his worst fears too just so he could win the contest? DANNY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! BRO MAYBE YOURE 14 AND HAVENT FULLY DEVOLPED YOUR WHOLE BRAIN YET, BUT...THATS FUCKED. this kid casually says the most deranged things, I do worry for my spooky son. once again, therapy needed. that judo toss was great tho. I wonder if he actually did pick up some martial arts stuff from his mom?

-danny can fly 112 mph!!! thats so fast! I love the lil montage of him and his friends testing his abilities and stuff, very cute and a good way to showcase what he can do by now and how much more proficient he's gotten from ep 1!!! I'm sure he's going to get more abilities :)

-im glad...maddie's at least TRYING this ep. I do feel for her because her husband is a man baby. but the fact it took 16 episodes to get a kinda semblance of any kind of real concern or attempts at bonding. hmm. jack's 'BACK OFF SHES A MINOR' @ the ghost trying to attack jazz. also was very funny. and him wanting to make an action figure of her? are the parents redeeming themselves to me? slightly. they gotta Work Harder

-THE GHOST. IS FLYING. THE PLANE.

-fenton machete. but she doesnt carry a PHONE??? ???

-I mean I expected vlad when you namedrop him earlier in the ep, and also the title card picture, and dalv corp being fucking vlad backwards. but seeing him just pull up on a golf cart made me bust out laughing. WITH the gift baskets prepared. why wouldnt you at least be suspicious. also, if he wants danny to be his lil sonboy, why is he so fucking malicious?? dude you are going about this in such a bad way. stop it. get some help.

-maddie not even hesitating to drag danny out. fucking good. danny is so right, go on the internet to date. get a cat. how do you spend...how many years?? has it been since college?? at least 20, right, since the parents/vlad are in their 40s? hung up on ONE girl. my god, man. incel drama queen. her kung fu IS impressive, but dude. 'we both know hes a creep' SO right. it sucks but they do need a phone and shit being in the middle of NOWHERE. also, just stealing his helicopter was great. <3

-'you must be exhausted carrying the weight of that mistake you made years ago' 'well we all make mistakes. maybe I'll make one now!' WHY DID THIS EXHCHANGE SEND ME. AND VLAD WITH THE BREATH SPRAY EWWW BITCH. 'OLD BAIT BREATH' SOO RIGHT. both danny and his mom playing him HAHAH hes so dumb. or rather, I think he thinks with his emotions too too much and is...actually pretty gullible? lmao he believed danny was ready to give in SO fast. (which is sad hes that hopeful, like you have SO MUCH MONEY YOU COULD EASILY GET ANOTHER GIRL WHO HAS A KID. AND WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND BE SUPPORTED. GET OVER THIS (1) WOMAN ALREADY IM GETTING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT AAAAH)

-GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR. it was also in the title card, but I still got very excited. we love bears here

-SAM'S BAT SWIMSUIT COVERUP!!! her outfits are simply iconic.

-'i'd tell you to go to the mens room, but I don't think you qualify' top paulina transphobic moments. :( and him wearing a tanktop to the swim park? hmmm! (actually I think she was overshadowed by then, so, KITTY top 10 transphobic moments??)

-kitty just piloting paulina around makes me feel SO bad tho, paulina's gonna wake up and be like 'wtf do you mean I was dating this rando' like youre leading danny on to make johnny jealous, and also just POSSESSING POOR PAULINA. dude take your relationship problems ELSEWHERE. last time we saw them, they seemed like such a cute couple!! wtf johnny!! I mean, she sucks for trying to make him jealous, he sucks for looking at other girls...maybe they need a break, but Not Like This. or, you know, just. better communication...

-and the A-listers having a full packet and a stamp system. who organizes this. kwan fucking owning being the new danny though, this is hysterical. THE TUCKER/KWAN FLOWER FIELD TWIRL. UNIRONICALLY ADORABLE. and him giving it his all for the poetry slam. bless his HEARTTTT.

-Star owns. actually, all of the extra characters are shining this ep and I love it.

-INVISO-BILL??? NOOOO THEY DID HIM SOO DIRTY. DANNY SWEETIE IM SO SORRY.

-johnny and danny bein friends and staging a fake fight (which danny takes too seriously, once again this child has aggression he NEEDS TO WORK OUT) I hope these three stay friends, I said it before but danny needs more friendly ghosts to hang with.

-at this point, Danny's ghost enemies are a lot like, I dunno, batman's rouge gallery is the first thing that comes to mind. they all have their own gimmick and unique designs, but most of them are easy to beat after learning the Moral Lesson. I still get excited when any of them show up again, though. 18 is another valerie episode!!!! :D skulker really said you two will get along if I have to handcuff you together <3 and the gym teacher really said, youre married now, have a flour baby! ngl, I'm not really watching this show for the shipping stuff (which I am very scared to look at the fandom for after I finish this watch through- I feel like there's probably discourse/arguing about ships...) but. I'm gonna put my opinion out there. valerie/danny > sam/danny. maybe I just really love the enemies to lovers trope. And the secret identity stuff adds Extra Flavor.

-SKULKER JUST HAVING THE BOX GHOST AND DANGLING HIM BY A STRING. HILARIOUS. and him watching them with binoculars and making his silly little commentary. AND MAKING THE SACK BABY CRY. LMAO. THIS DUDE IS A BABY KIDNAPPER. skulker is super fun

-danny, you just...collapsed the water tower. and then attacked the nasty burger machine...mascot thingy...out of anger..I KEEP SAYING HE'S GOT ANGER ISSUES BUT. HE REALLY NEEDS A LESSON IN MANAGING COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!! So does valerie!! They're both pretty focused on each other. I mean it's good of Danny to say he's trying to make sure PEOPLE don't get hurt, but... (I mean I guess it's not something 14 year olds WOULD worry about, but as an adult im like, who's going to fix that? how much money will that take??)

-TUCKER MAKING BANK. and sam and tucker being super emotionally attached to their flour baby and being pretty good parents. that's cute...also him just straight kissing her and being like. WAIT. O_O JDSKAFHD. his mom baking them into cookies was the funniest possible result. tbh I dont feel like this is on tucker, if anything the other kid's shouldve been more responsible! He was just taking an opportunity to get that $$ which I respect

-Danny being more understanding of Valerie's situation in the end (helping her at her job, too, and trying to keep that a secret for her!!!) And seeing them work together this ep, and also her letting phantom get her out of the ghost zone...was very sweet. LOVE that. more valerie eps pls

-me when I realize vlad's big stupid house exploded because of his own carelessness with changing the ghost portal ectofiltrator or whatever: *pointing and laughing*

-me when I realize it means he's gonna go make danny's life hell for it somehow: >:(

-SCOOBY PARODY!!! I feel like there's gotta be some scooby doo/danny phantom crossover stuff, right? also, 'guys in white' men in black wishes

-'oh, that's right! dad married the love of your life! you're bitter and alone!' DANNNNNYY GET HIS ASS ONCE AGAIN WE ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING AT VLAD

-'jack, you captured the ghost boy!!' UMM. he did nothing <3 'we have a weapon's vault??' YOU HAVE A WEAPONS VAULT??? and jack didnt put a handle on the inside. of fucking course he didnt! why would you leave that to your son!! or expect him to clean YOUR LAB when its where you work with probably dangerous chemicals and weapons and hes 14!! give him normal chores, like, I dunno, vacuuming, laundry, dishes...CMON. I hate it here. But I'm glad Jack is more chill about danny while he's a ghost, and willing to work with him for this ep. AND. I DID ENJOY JACK PUNCHING VLAD IN THE FACE. AND GENERALLY JUST OWNING HIM. the ghost punchy fists are actually amazing. like yeah, just punch a ghost in the face. that rules.

-ep 20 opens with the coolest fucking ghost lady design. her tattoos can come off and fight. MA'AM. I like ur nose ring and your cape maam hello 👉👈😳

-sam's grandma is hilarious and the most valid member of her family and I love her. thats my grandma now. and tucker covering for sam by dressing as her. thats true friendship <3 also skipping school to go to a goth circus. just bestie things! sam's parents are haters but for all the wrong reasons.

-'my family has controlled ghosts with this for generations!' WAIT. WAIT FREAKSHOW /ISNT/ A GHOST? I didn't expect that...he's just a fucked up guy controlling ghosts? anyway watching danny shoot at police cars and rob banks while mind controlled. its like, the most stereotypical 'bad' things lmao. (tbh an evil ghost circus troupe is a sick concept)

this gives off big deviantart emo edit vibes

(I'm going to assume evil circus reaper danny has a lot of fan content. people love an edgy au, except this one is canon (even tho its via mind control...having the protag go evil otherwise might be hard, I guess?) but au where he stays with the troupe...that has to exist, right?)

ANYWAY. excited to start s2!! lowkey surprised by how many notes some of these posts have gotten. I've gone back and tagged them all with 'dp thoughts' so they're easier to find on my blog! ^^ and I will probably possibly do (more) fanart on my art blog after I finish the watch of the whole show, so like. @sanchoyodraws follow my art blog :)

[pluviophile-imagines]

Could I ask what your sexuality headcanons are? I love comparing mine with other peoples’!

Ok second half of this; this is just like. non-students who i Actually have thought about HJBAFV not at all a comprehensive list. Again disclaimer i write all these chars as bi in my fics, also i am bi myself so the vast majority are also bi, and also leaving a lot of these vague so u can imagine ur favorite ship or urself or w/ever

ok lets start this off with Aizawa. I think....... hes another one who's rlly unlabelled, doesnt super care to think it through and define it, but calls himself gay bc his interest in women is very, very rare and it's just way easier to say than explain all that. Definitely do buy into the idea that he had a crush on Oboro in hs but i do NOT buy into the easermic agenda sorry. Definitely not someone who goes looking for dates, but doesn't say no if someone asks him and hes interested (also im not gonna give her a whole section but i saw a hc a while back that the Ms. Joke stuff is literally that shes a lesbian and hes gay and shes fucking with him and i love that so much i just wanted to put it out there)

on the topic of the erasermic agenda: Hizashi's pan and knew it before HS, had a sudden & intense crush on Aizawa for the first month they knew each other and then immediately got over it in favor of a similar sudden, intense, and then immediately fading crush on Midnight. Hizashi and Aizawa r just rlly good friends imo; maybe they messed around for a bit in their twenties but it never went anywhere serious. He dates around a lot, not even necessarily to settle down just to have some fun

Midnight is aro/ace but does get in qprs & gravitates towards women wrt that. Most people dont read vigilantes but theres a woman in that, Kazuho, who i imagine she's been in a long-term qpr with; her relationship with aizawa and hizashi leans a little more towards a qpr than a normal friendship, too, but it's not rlly defined that way

All Might is married to justice queer but v much not interested in relationships. He and that one guy from the first movie are ABSOLUTELY exes and i won't hear otherwise; it's the only relationship he's ever had, and they broke up bc he had to go back to japan. He was heartbroken but did eventually get over him; his lack of romance afterwards is from genuine disinterest and not being hung up on his past. I can see him finding someone else in his later years, after he's retired. Definitely feels like he's not worthy of it tho

Hawks is bi but unfortunately didn't get to figure that out until like Now in the timeline...... if youll let my dabihawks history shine through i think dabi was the reason JHBASFGJHB he was basically brainwashed by the commission to become a hero so he didnt have time to Figure That Shit Out; he knew he was into women bc that was easy & what the commission expected from him but then he started this undercover assignment and met dabi and realized Oh...... Fuck. Hawks is hard tbh, bc i think between the control that the commission has over him and his own convictions as a hero he doesn't pursue any romance (tho he does get crushes or find people attractive) and most of his flings are done to keep up his prettyboy act, not out of genuine interest in being a fuckboy. Can't imagine him having a relationship until well after canon but I do see him being interested eventually

Onto the villains, Shigaraki is unlabelled but probably would call himself queer if asked. Definitely admires women more but isn't very interested in romance; AFO actively encourages him to pursue the things interested in so imo if he were he'd talk abt it more lmfao. I kinda see him as demi as well, not the type to fall immediately but requiring a friendship beforehand; tho unlike Bakugo as i said in my last post I dont think it happens suddenly but rather slowly. Y'all know im a big fan of shigaraki being absolutely whipped for his s/o so i do thing hes a big piner, tho he's also pretty bold and unashamed of his affections. I'm a big fan of him falling for a member of the league or a civilian; definitely can't see him falling for a hero unless the hero was already halfway to turning sides already. I think he's also attracted to intelligence and someone who pushes him to think more abt his ideology...... maybe im just projecting at this point JSHDFBVAJKSHD but my point is that the gender of his partner is definitely the least of what he considers/notices

Dabi is bi and, here's my bold take, demisexual; not interested in sex unless its with someone he loves. Absolutely doesn't even think abt romance for most of the years where he's on his own. He's got revenge to plan. By the time he joins the league that hasn't changed much, and he's demi so he's not interested in sleeping around, plus he rlly denies any attachment to people at all. As I said in that other ask tho I do rlly like the idea of him with Magne, so I think they have a fling for a bit before her death :( it's one of the things that leads him to isolate himself further, unfortunately, even from Jin and the other League members with whom his relationships aren't romantic. I can see him dating someone post-canon bc i think hes gonna be redeemed lol. It could be someone he knew before but they probably didnt date again bc he was v guarded; i think magne was rlly the only person he dated

Magne is pan and heres the kicker: I think shes t4t, which led to a little moment just before she and dabi got together where he was like "she wouldnt be into me :/" but she was into him anyway so all was good. She got around in her circles, mostly casual stuff tho she yearned for something more serious.

Spinner's bi & trends towards women but does occasionally get things for men and they're almost always intense. He thought he was straight for a while even once he joined the league and then suddenly got a crush on Shigaraki (around the time of MVA) and realized otherwise LMFAO he's definitely a hopeless romantic type, the whole mutant prejudice thing makes it rlly hard for him and i can see him being rlly happy with another mutant-type; i feel like as he matures he starts to gravitate towards them

Toga is canonically pan to my understanding, iirc her interest in Uraraka and Deku is the same (and romantic) in canon tho i might be wrong. Poor girl just needs therapy. I like the idea of the two of them becoming her friends over her being involved with them but i totally can get behind her having a thing with Uraraka (and maybe Tsu) at some point post-canon (presuming she gets redeemed), tho I think a qpr between the two/three of them would be longer lasting. And again presuming she gets therapy i can see her settling down with someone, gender irrelevant

Jin is unlabelled bc he hasn't much thought abt it, definitely had a thing for dabi and for hawks which does make me sad on both counts. I think he likes women slightly more abstractly/aesthetically and gets crushes more on men,. The dabi thing fades as they get closer and start to view each other as brothers. In his later years he doesn't rlly care about romance, I think he enjoys the experience of crushing but doesnt like dating people; his found family in the League is far more important to him. But i can see him falling head-over-heels for someone quite suddenly and having a bit of a whirlwind romance. Also someone for whom gender isn't much of a factor

Mr Compress is also queer and also hasn't rlly thought abt it. Definitely leans more towards women; he's like 30 but i like to think he also goes for older partners, 10 or 15 years his senior KJBADSJFHB idk he just has that Vibe with the way he calls himself an old man etc. A lot of the league i cant see sleeping or dating around much, i feel like they prioritize each other, but I do think mr compress gets around more than the others. i can see him having a bit of a fuckbuddy who he catches feelings for

Kurogiri is fun; as Oboro I do think Aizawa's crush was reciprocated, tho he wasn't around long enough for them to act on it :( he's bi, tho kurogiri isn't supposed to have personal interests. I like to imagine the brainwashing isnt as good as AFO wants it to be tho so I like the idea of him falling for someone anyway. I also like the idea of the heroes managing to undo the nomufication and I 100% can see him, aizawa, and someone else (someone he was involved with as Kurogiri) ending up in a triad as a result of aizawa and the third partner helping him through the aftermath of all that shit

Lady Nagant is a manga-only minor character but im in love with her so imma talk abt it. Shes bi and leans VERY heavily towards women, probably spent years questioning whether she was rlly bi or a lesbian before finally having a fling with a guy that she genuinely enjoyed. Has only ever been in long-term relationships with women and I v much think she has a gf at home who stayed even when she was arrested 🥺

Finally imma talk abt Natsuo bc i love that boy. He's one of the few unmarried chars with a love interest and he canonically has a gf. I do see him as IDing straight in canon ngl, but the kind of straight where he might actually be bi but his preference leans so heavily towards women and he grew up in a bad home so he just doesnt rlly think abt it bc hes v happy with women anyway. In shiganatsu thoughts shigaraki is the first man he has a thing for; i rlly can see the two of them in a triad with a woman specifically, who helps the two of them find each other and is the one who initiates bc its definitely a weird situation for natsuo