#sorry for rambling and in a totally not concise way

[clambuoyance]

ngl I know nothing ab your DC blorbos except they're gay and cool or something Idk I just think they're neat... I'd ask what comics I could read ab them being super blorbo-y but Idk...

OKAY so there’s a lot of characters in dc but the ones I draw/talk about the most are these group of friends!! They feature in Young Justice 1998, Teen Titans 2003, and Young Justice 2019, as well as having their own comics and other appearances :)

each comic run has different vibes but my personal favorite is yj1998 bc I like its wacky and zany vibes. It was not my first comic though, and it’s a little older so it might be hard to understand or read if it’s your first time reading comics like this, and again it is old soooo some stuff does Not age well such as certain jokes or depictions and it is of course not all perfect but overall I love it and think it has a lot of heart

I think i have a lot of fun with it bc it feels so…animated? And it has funny slapstick humor. Honestly I probably like it bc it makes me laugh the same way ninjago makes me laugh…a group of 4+ friends that have cute dynamics with each other and just Being Silly Together. I really don’t know how to explain it but between all three runs, I can see yj1998 in my head the most as a wacky animated show with exaggerated bouncy animation idk so that’s part of the fun for me. I think the moment I realized this was going to be a long term emotional investment was When I read the issue where they randomly end up on a planet and have to play baseball bc I am a SUCKERRR for baseball shenanigans

But yeah the group starts out with Bart, Tim, and Kon in JLA: A world without Grownups, and they just have a good trio dynamic 🙏 the banter between all three is so good 🤩and I liked seeing their friendship develop throughout yj1998 too! Especially for Tim, with his hesitancy at the beginning.They weren’t without conflict ofc but that adds to why I like them bc eventually they became besties for life. They are also quickly joined by others but the main one that stays w the group through all three runs is Cassie Sandsmark , aka Wonder Girl ii.

But yeah I guess some things I like are the way they actually Hang out? like they will do camping trips or go to the mall and games together etc etc, but there will be parts that feel more serious while never losing that humorous tint to it. For some examples, I love how Tim tries to be a leader in the beginning, but then one arc shows just how much Cassie is more fitting for it, and how they bond over Leader things like how hard it is to tell Bart what to do and then will share a really nice hug 🥺, and I love Cassie and Cissie’s relationship a LOT because they sometimes misunderstand each other but clearly care for each other (they aren’t canon but in my heart they are.) I also like Tim and kon’s build towards understanding and friendship for a similar reason, and cissie and Anita also have a nice development with each other, but yeah all the dynamics are just fun to think about tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️ I am pointing at them eagerly and going “wow! Friendship!!”

And as for the guy I never shut up about…well that’s a whole thing I could ramble about but i became obsessed with him the moment he quoted Peter Pan while lamenting about how he was afraid his friends would leave him behind after several issues of him acting like Hot Shit and erm I’m predictable so it got to me 🙄 also he makes dumb jokes every second like he expects someone to laugh at them like he’s so dumb sometimes….anyways I do not want to ramble too much so I will get on with it

I was only familiar with his black tshirt look before, so when I first saw this goofy looking dumbass with a leather jacket and glasses and an earring I WAS LIKE “THATS SUPERBOY? THATS REAL?” and quickly became interested in the notion of a Superman associated hero wearing something like this bc I don’t think my brain ever considered the possibility before….also it is something I cannot explain some panels just activate my cuteness aggression 😔 I just think he’s really cute 🫶🫶🫶

[dandelion-idk]

side order truly is weird, so many people have had so many different experiences with it, and I think thats the most beautiful thing about it. I've seen many people literally finish the entire spire in less than 24 hours from the release, and finish 100% fairly quick too, which isn't really a bad thing. This IS supposed to be a rogue lite, where you repeat the same cycle over and over until you succeed. In the end it is all about the gameplay loop, and whether you end up getting tired from the same tasks. I personally found myself really obsessed with it; I truly couldn't stop myself till i finished an entire run. The possibilities really are endless, and you can make it as easy or as difficult as you want with the hacks (or the lack thereof). On the other hand, i cant deny that the enemies and stages are pretty repetitive (cruel sisyphean is in my nightmares), the music is somewhat forgettable and that the story is... there. But i overall think this is one of the most innovative ways for the franchise to evolve, and a great successor for octo expansion :)

[snowdropluck204]

You're My Prize - Todoroki Shoto x Fem! Reader (Mafia AU!) - Pt 3

Sorry this took so long, once again... I'm a bad author... Anyway! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! ______________________________

3rd Person pov

Shoto sat in total shock, not only had he learned that his father had happily handed him over to a Yakuza syndicate, but the leader of said syndicate wanted him to be her 'little dove', chose him over any money his father could have easily given her...

(y/n) was still stood behind him, her chest against his back and her hands gently caressing his arms. The sweet, gentle smile was back on her face, a far cry from the confident smirk she was wearing earlier. Shoto was so confused! Which side of her was the real her? (y/n) seemed to notice that the poor man wasn't processing all of this very well. She tried to lean away from him, to give him time to get used to all of this information, but Shoto wrapped his fingers tightly around her gloved hands, tugging her back to him.

Kenji moved quickly, starting to make his way over to the two of them, clearly believing that Shoto was going to attack (y/n), but she held up a hand, halting him in his place. She brought Shoto's head to her chest, soothingly stroking his hair. Even though the chair in between them made this position uncomfortable, Shoto was grateful for the comfort.

(y/n) felt awful for the man, he had just had the life he knew ripped away from him, now he was in a cold, seemingly empty house, surrounded by strangers and a woman who wants to use him for her own devices. Looking up from Shoto, (y/n) looked up at Kenji, "Get my room ready, he'll be staying with me for a while." She told him, her voice all business but the words she used made Shoto look up at her with a start.

"What?" He asked, curious. His eyes glistened with brimming tears, looking into them, (y/n)'s heart melted slightly. She tried to be the cold-blooded killer she was, but she couldn't help it, her heart ached for this poor man.

"You can't be on your own with all this new information, you don't have to stay in my room if you don't to, I just thought it might be something you'd like, you might feel more comfortable in your own room of course..." (y/n) had begun rambling, she never did this. She was always calm and collected, saying what was on my mind in a concise manner. (y/n) could see even Kenji being shocked at her behaviour.

She didn't want to make Shoto any more uncomfortable and scared than he already was. He looked into her eyes, his mismatched eyes meeting (e/c), he nodded gently. (y/n) smiled softly at him, "So, dinner?" She asked, he nodded again, still confused and speechless. "If you want to know anything, my inside businesses, the people who work for me, anything, just ask. I can't guarantee I'll be completely honest with you at the moment, I don't know if you can be fully trusted yet." She said truthfully.

Shoto nodded, picking at his food that had been placed in front of him, (y/n) sat in the chair to his side, not across from him, she wasn't hugely hungry, and he needed her close at that moment. As he sat there, thinking and eating, she gently raked her fingers through his hair, doing her best to calm him.

"Who was that man? The one you... That I saw earlier?" He asked timidly. She could admit, it was quite amusing to see the once great pro hero Shoto Todoroki so bashful in her presence, (y/n) couldn't help a small smile.

"That man was just a calculation error. He owed me a significant amount of money, he had the ability to pay me back, not once, but twice, he chose to spend that money on his gambling addictions. Whatever he owed me, has been written off and his family will be compensated for his passing." She told him, her voice back to being business like.

Shoto looked intrigued but obviously quite horrified, it's not every day a person you're having dinner with turns out to have killed someone, let alone as many people as (y/n) have. "But, how could you say that...?" He asked softly, so soft it was a whisper.

"Say what my dove?" She asked him, using a napkin to wipe the corner of his mouth, causing him to blush. (y/n) couldn't help but smirk slightly, the satisfaction of getting him to blush was too insistent.

"You called him a calculation error... Acting as though his death meant nothing, you've left a family without a father and a husband and you're showing no remorse for it..." He told her, his voice becoming more confident as he grew more passionate in his point, too bad it was misguided passion.

"Dove, if you knew what I knew, about human beings, about Fujima Hiroto, you would understand why I did what I did. Mr Fujima was nothing but a petty thief, a terrible gambler and a wife beater." (y/n) began talking light and sweet, but her voice became hard and venomous. "If there is one thing I cannot abide, it's domestic violence, in any form."

Shoto sat shocked, he hadn't known any of that about the man, obviously because he had just seen the murder, nothing else, but was all of that really true, he looked to Kenji for some sort of answer, he solemnly nodded his head, revealing more than an answer. (y/n) raised a hand behind her head slightly, Kenji walking up and placing a file in her hands.

Setting the file down in front of Shoto, she began flipping through it, there were dozens of pictures of Mr Fujima doing less than legal things... Bribing an officer, leaving an illegal casino, countless images of him abusing his wife, and pages upon pages of papers that seem to indicate him being involved in organising and illegal fighting ring and fraud...

"Yes Mr Fujima owed me money, but if he were an honest man, I would have looked the other way and agreed to another extension, but he could have paid me back in full within the agreed upon time, he chose to spend and lose that money in a number of days. We have returned the money we took from him as payment to his wife, she will always be able to call on us if she needs help and we will gladly give it." (y/n) continued, less cold now.

"Now if you're finished with dinner, we could go to bed, it's getting late." There wasn't much room for argument as she stood up and took his hand in her's, gently nudging him from the chair. "Kenji, could you set up my room with some pyjamas for Shoto, I'll be taking him on a little tour in the meantime." She asked.

Kenji nodded and left with a small bow. Shoto was confused and said so, "I'm perplexed, if you've known Kenji for so long and have been friends since you were children, why on earth do you treat him as a butler?" He asked, leading (y/n) to smile sweetly.

"Kenji is my oldest and dearest friend, but this was the role he chose for himself, he would prefer to be behind the scenes and act as the face of family, when in reality, he was always the carer, he would look after people when they were sick or sad, so this role allows him to do just that, he has my back and I have his." (y/n) explained simply.

Shoto nodded, although he was still confused, "Let's go dove, you can comprehend things after a good night's sleep." She told him, as we began walking through the many halls of the manor.

"To your left is the west wing, not forbidden by any means but you may prefer not to visit there, it's mainly business rooms and other... Activities." (y/n) told him, my voice dipping slightly, Shoto nodded quickly as she giggled at the aghast look on his face.

"The East wing is where most of the rooms are, although the only bedrooms currently in use are a few guest rooms for some of the staff, my room, your room and Kenji's. Other than that, there are multiple libraries with hundreds of books, an indoor and outdoor pool, the billiards room, ballroom, obviously you've seen our dining room, the parlour, the gallery and the gardens." (y/n) listed all of the amenities as though they were a daily occurrence, which for her they were.

Shoto's mind was running at a million miles a minute, his thoughts kept bouncing back to his father, his family was rich, but nothing like this! This manor made his home look like a dungeon, which of course to him it was... Previously, he was fretting about how to get away from this place, how to escape, now his brain was going through all the decisions it could. Which room to visit first? Naturally he was interested by the libraries, or the ballroom, or the gallery?

(y/n) laughed from her place beside him, "Don't worry my dove, we have all the time in the world, I have the day off this weekend, we shall explore then and I can show you around properly."

Shoto nodded excitedly, "I would enjoy that." He told her, a small smile gracing his face for the first time since that morning.

Just like that the tour was over, and Shoto had a new thing to worry about, he would be sleeping in the same room, and presumably, the same bed, as (y/n)... __________________________________

This chapter is slightly shorter than the others because it's getting late and I wanted to get this published! I am so sorry about the wait, but hopefully I should be more productive for a bit! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Xxx

[chrysanthemumgames]

Hi! I'm so happy for you that you've finished your first draft and so excited to read it soon! (I wish I could finish mine haha). I have a... well it's sort of a question I guess. More of a rambly group of suggestions/requests? It's in reference to the type of bedroom that we can design near the beginning of the game, and the LI's eventual reaction to it.

So, more to the point, I'm the type of person that likes to "match" my LI's and their interests as much as possible. I can't really explain why it makes me happy to do so, it just does. Maybe I feel closer to them? I know it literally doesn't matter at all because they'll like anything I pick, but I still want to match them somehow. Like, for example, with some of them (Hermes and Pyri for sure I think) it mentions that if I pick the option with bright colors and plants, they seem to fit right in into my room, and that made me happy. But then for others (Charon and Hades were some I think) it said they seem out of place in my room, which made me a little sad (even though I know it doesn't really matter and they like it anyway). I would prefer to be able to pick options that my eventual LI will look like they fit into if possible? Like if it was something they would pick? (Are there options currently that I could pick where they would look like they fit right in? If so, could I know which ones? Ah, but if so, some would probably not include the two options with plants, which brings me to my next point...)

So I truly mean this with love and as a suggestion, but it kinda bums me out that only two of the room design options have plants as part of it. Because for me, as someone trying to play a Persephone who's really leaning into her powers, it feels like that means I really only have two options to pick from, since for me having plants is a must. And those two option are either adding bright or soft colors with plants, neither of which really appeal to me personally. I was thinking it would be cool if we could have a dark colors/darker vibe with plants option too. Or maybe even better, would there be a way to be able to make the "add plants to room" option separate, so that we would really be able to choose whichever design we wanted, without being limited to the couple that have plants now, if we are someone that definitely feels like plants are a must?

If not I totally understand, I just thought I'd give my thoughts and recommendations! I really hope I didn't come off as demanding or ungrateful! I'll love whatever it is you come up with, even if you feel you don't want to change anything, don't worry! :) Apparently I'm incapable of being concise, sorry and thank you for reading my wall of words! <3

Hey anon, I'm definitely planning to take a look at the room options again. It's already a lot of variation to write in the scene where people visit, but I will consider some alternate options in that vein, yes. :)

[aihoshiino]

I haven't read the Spica novel since I don't know Japanese, so your latest ONK post had me wondering why you thought it was a bad novel?

So full disclosure: I have not read Spica in full yet in its original form but I have been working on a TL of the free preview which was posted by the publishers (which you can see here) and the rough TLs/summaries posted by folks in the fandom who bought the book - I, uh, feel slightly off about directly linking to those since they are reproducing content from a paid published release and I don't know exactly where that falls in terms of Piracy And OnK Leaks which I know Mengo especially feels really bad about, but you can easily find them by looking up the associated search terms on Pastebin (tho be aware, you apparently have to be logged in to search Pastebin's database??? TIL I guess)

If it wasn't for the free preview, I'd be more willing to put some of my issues with it down to just TL choices made by people who were quickly summarizing the novel for the fandom but like... between having access to the actual prose and how much the summary TLs are just straight up giving you chunks from the novel, there was enough consistency with the stuff that was not passing the smell check that I feel pretty confident in saying that Spica just flat out has issues. I actually did a bit of a ramble elsewhere talking about my issues with it way more concisely than my initial attempt here

(message from claire 40+ minutes after writing the above sentence: i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i lied. the following passage is 900+ words long.)

Spica stands out pretty distinctly from Akasaka's short stories in that the Tanaka written parts of the novel are all in third person limited POV vs 45510 and Viewpoint B being in first person. Spica also has the issue of being EXTREMELY heavyhanded and hamfisted in terms of its emotional beats to the point where I felt it was straight up tacky and emotionally manipulative at multiple points, in ways that betrayed the spirit of the story it was trying to tell.

Like, as a point of contrast, in Viewpoint B, Ai casually mentions that she's on the verge of aging out of the children's home she was in and that her relatives who were supposed to adopt her backed out and dumped her after meeting her for the first time. The story does not linger on this beat, aside from Kyun's stunned reaction that something so shitty is happening to the invincible seeming Ai. The situation is just laid out in front of the reader and they are allowed to have their own emotions naturally arise from their own sense of empathy for Ai. In contrast, in the Ai-centric prologue to Spica, the story cannot go more than a few exchanges of dialogue without hammering in just how horrible everyone in Ai's life is to her and how tragic everything is. It is SO eager to do this that it trips into straight up contradicting how Akasaka has talked about these events and it's not the only time.

It's maybe a nitpicky complaint, but there are a lot of small moments in Spica that have timeline snarls or just contradictions in vibes and tone that make it feel like it was written by someone who just… didn't really know or care all that much about Oshi no Ko. For example, the first song Sarina makes Gorou listen to is implied to be Sign wa B and he quotes its opening line ("We're your idols, the sign is B!") while talking about it. The issue here is that Sign wa B wasn't released until after Ai came back from her hiatus following the twins' birth so its appearance here is at least four years out from it actually being created.

There are various other small timeline snarls like that and a few that are not necessarily textual contradictions but feel off from how things are portrayed in the manga — Gorou being totally ignorant of how bad Sarina's condition is in Spica vs the implication that he was well aware of it in the main manga. These sort of contradictions happen because the story is CONSTANTLY reaching for like… there's no kind way to describe this, but it is constantly grabbing at cheap emotional payoff by leaning excessively on references and calls forward to beats from the main story, hamfistedly setting them up and repeating them so clumsily that it almost feels like it cheapens them by comparison. To once again talk about Ai, because the Battle Royale collar around my neck will go off if I go more than 1000 words without doing so, the epilogue of Spica has this absolutely fucking excruciating conversation between Ai and Ichigo where they look up at the actual Spica star itself and Ichigo goes off on this random tangent about how it's a BINARY, TWIN STAR known for its AQUAMARINE SHINE and Ai (who is 12 at this point btw lol) has this whooooole speech about how it's so lovely that the star has a twin so it's never alone and she hopes that if SHE has a family that SHE has twins and WOOOOWWW WOULDN'T THAT BE CRAZYYYY… and basically the whole novel is like this. It's like the emotional equivalent of the fucking Superdictionary LMFAO

My other big issue with Spica is just that I absolutely despise how it chooses to characterize Sarina. While I can't necessarily say she's OOC just because there's so little Actual Sarina Herself pagetime in OnK, there's this really… honestly skeevy as fuck bent to the way she's written in Spica that actually really upsets me. Spica really leans into sexualizing her feelings for Gorou in a way that feels like pandering to people who have a thing for bratty, uppity loli characters perving on adult men. It 99.99999999999% almost absolutely definitely was not but those are the only words I can find to describe the vibes here.

The INSTANT she and Gorou meet, before they've ever had a full conversation or ever started idol fangirling together, Sarina immediately goes GOSH WHAT IF I WANTED TO BE UR GF ;) and makes a joke in her brain about Gorou being an S (Sadist) and not an M (Masochist). Later, after the two of them have spent time together and she's come to a bit of epiphany about her feelings for him, Sarina cries and laments his lack of interest in her, putting it down to the fact that she has "absolutely no charm as a woman" and like… I'm sorry but what the actual fuck is going on here!!! Sarina is twelve years old!! She is a prepubescent child!!!! NOTHING about Sarina's behaviour in OnK or her upbringing that we hear about elsewhere has the slightest indication that it should organically result in her articulating herself like that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing a child developing a puppy love crush on a reliable adult like a doctor or a teacher because… that stuff happens in real life! You can write that stuff without it feeling creepy or objectifying but Spica absolutely indulges in both of those things.

I'm forcing myself to stop here because I genuinely thought this was going to be a quick response banged out before I had to start dinner prep and then I ended up in hell but the long and short of it is that I feel like the Spica-original portions of the novel just... betray the spirit of OnK in a way that I really don't enjoy. To put it in academic terms, it just lacks the sauce.

[education-over-demonization]

Hello!

Firstly, I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate you giving others the opportunity to educate themselves on anything related to the multiple personality disorder. Being willing to do it is almost never easy (totally understandable). I completely agree with your account name. If it's not a bother, I'd like to ask you some questions that came to me while doing research on this topic. I don't have this type of disorder, but as a neurodivergent and empathetic person in general I don't feel good with the little information I have.

Some of the questions will be in form of statements, because they are conclusions that I reached by reading, but obviously I do not assume that they are true. I would be very grateful if you could instruct me regarding any of these or what you consider appropriate. I don't want to stop apologizing for the ignorance that my vocabulary probably contains. I'll cover this from a point of view that doesn't reveal most angles, and I'm sorry if any of that makes someone uncomfortable.

I'll start then:

This type of disorder only develops from an extremely traumatic event during early age, when the person is still developing their personality. You are not born with this disorder. Is that true?

I understand how a person can be, for example, Dean and John at the same time. But some people report having non-human alters. How is that possible? What kind of fragmentation occurs?

While this fragmentation is not technically a bad thing, I've read that some people don't want to heal, or "fusion", or whatever. I understand that there are different terms to describe different stages. Would it be wrong to tell a person in this situation that although their identities are respected, since right now they are more than one person at a time, they could be cured and it is not good to deny them that cure? I'm not saying "it can be cured" in the sense that if you don't, you're going to be a bad person, but I can't think of how it could be a good idea not to reverse symptoms that have fragmented a healthy development.

Do you know valid percentages regarding the rate of people fully recovered from this disorder?

Can it happen that some personality does not feel part of the family to which the real personality belongs? Is it valid to say "real personality"?

Sorry for rambling too much, I hope not being bothering. Once again I thank you. I hope my doubts are useful.

Have a good day!

Sorry for taking so long to answer this, but here you go! I’ll also number my answers for ease of correlating then to the correct question. Keep in mind that ages and specific experiences vary from person to person, thus why I often say “usually.” I also want to make it clear that while my language may sound harsh, this is not directed at you, I simply wanted to convey the information in a clear and concise way.

1. True! People aren’t born with DID. DID forms when repetitive trauma is experienced at a young age, often seen as before the age of 8, though there is speculation that it could happen with trauma occurring up to around age 13 in children who take longer to develop mentally. The child simply cannot deal with what is happening, so the brain creates a separate “person” to deal with the trauma. Depending on the type of trauma and the extent to which the child can handle it different types of amnesia can occur. In full blown DID (so to speak) you usually end up with total amnesia, meaning you don’t remember anything, while many people with OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder) have reported feeling emotional amnesia, where they can remember the event but have no emotion attached to it, or it can feel like walking a movie. Often you can get a mix of both, where the worst will be completely omitted but with lesser events the emotions may simply be removed, though it will vary from system to system. So while no one is born with it, the severity of dissociation and amnesia depends on each child, the trauma, and how it is experienced.

2. “Two people at once” could actually refer to a number of things! Most commonly to being cocon, when two or more alters are sharing control. They may trade off who does what, or one may simply be there to enjoy the ride! And nonhuman alters tend to happen when the child is alienated or being nonhuman provides safety. Religious trauma could cause an alter who is a demon or angel for example, and animal alters can come from corresponding abuse. While these are more common, it’s entirely possible to have an alter that could be something like a rock, for example this would allow them to be “outside” the trauma and just an observer.

3. This is a pretty complicated point, and there isn’t necessarily one “cure.” DID is a vast and complex disorder that looks different in everyone, so what could work for one system may not work for another. Being “cured” or “fixed” are controversial in terms as they imply something is broken, and while you can definitely argue that splitting is breaking apart the consciousness, it can also imply that it should not have happened and that the child should have stayed “whole.” And our head mates can feel like family, we’ve been with them practically our entire lives, and while to some systems final fusion (where only one “identity” remains) can be the dream, it can feel like murder to others. Fusion is when two or more alters fuse together to create one, however it’s a very tricky topic. While you can get amazing results, such as two very fragmented parts forming a more complete part, just one alter not wanting the fusion to occur can cause a lot of chaos and disorder within the system. Final fusion would also require the sharing of all memories as only one alter would be left, something not everyone wants to do. Many systems instead have a goal of functional multiplicity, meaning they do not plan on working towards a final fusion, but rather on perhaps the fusion of fragments to create more “complete” alters and to improve communication and break down amnesia barriers. While wanting to be “cured” should seem like a universal want, but it’s so much more complex than that. As above mentioned, calling it a cure can imply that the dissociation resulting from the trauma was “wrong” and that the child should have “dealt h with it.” While this is rarely what people mean it’s how it often comes across. Final fusion, and even functional multiplicity require tremendous amounts of work as well. Alters that are designed to function in day to day life by not remembering trauma might not be able to function suddenly, so it could potentially require a job that would allow you to take the necessary time off. It can mean extensive years in therapy, and can require a trauma specialist which can be expensive and hard to find, especially since DID is so under discussed even within psychologists. And the idea of being all alone in your head can be terrifying. If you spent most of your life working with a team of people, each with a role to conquer life, suddenly having to do all of it on your own can be terrifying, and it comes with the reality of what can feel like loosing friends, family, and even partners. So you can work to reverse the negative symptoms without final fusion, which is the goal for many while others work towards final fusion.

4. As said above, “fully recovered” is not easy to define. Unfortunately the statistics don’t look super good. Up to 72% of people with DID either have or will attempt suicide. And substances and the risk of addiction poses a huge threat as well. Depression and anxiety are common, and seeking help is terrifying. Many also end up in and stay in abusive relationships as well, and the lack of specialists and the difficulty of escaping abuse can make any sort or recovery extraordinarily difficult.

5. “Personality” tends to be seen as an outdated term, and “alters” or “parts” is now generally accepted, though some systems prefer one term or the other, and there’s nothing wrong with like one term and not another! The “real personality” you’re referring to is what was commonly referred to as the “core,” or the “original.” However those are also seen as outdated terms, and tends to imply that one had more right to exist than another. the “original” can be just as fragmented, if not more so than other alters, and is not necessarily set apart when categorizing. Rather, the host tends to be what people think of, as many assume that the “host” and “original,” (so to speak) are the same when that often isn’t the case. Many systems will refer to biological family as the “body’s family” or simply as theirs depending on how long they have been host. Who the host is can change over time as circumstances and needs change, and many systems have a host team, or a group of alters who front frequently to walk through day to day life!

Tldr; people aren’t born with DID, nonhuman alters are typically caused by severe trauma that dehumanizes the child, healing looks different for everyone and many dislike the idea of being “cured,” healing is very hard and time consuming, alters may not feel any relation to the body’s family at all, and the term “real personality” is very outdated as well as offensive.

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

Hello! Random question but is there a catch all term for people with schizophrenia and adjacent issues? I've heard terms like schizo-affective, paranoid schizophrenia, catatonic schizophrenia, etc, but I'm not sure if theirs a concise way to talk about all branches of it without shortening the word, which I'm relatively sure is used as a slur, if I'm not mistaken. Sorry if this is rambly, I'm not totally sure how to phrase it without stumbling into offensive language 😅

the best term i know of is “schizophrenia spectrum and other psychotic disorders” which encompasses schizophrenia (all types), schizoaffective disorder, schizophreniform disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder, as well as psychotic disorders such as brief psychotic disorder, delusional disorder, and substance induced psychotic disorder. it’s kinda a long name so some people shorten it to “schizo spec” but as you said, the shortening of the name can be an issue due to the use of “schizo” as a derogatory term. i often just says “the schizophrenia spectrum” when referring to it and then specify which disorder im talking about regarding specific symptoms

hope this helps!

[dniifnotan]

drunk af but want to post. yesterday was pretty good and i managed to about reach my target of 1000 c deficit. had an ordeal having to get subway for lunch cos siblings but my parents weren’t home so it was alright and i could ditch some of it.

today was okay then i ate too much for lunch, frank so many calories in wine, and had a huge dinner. good news? it bougie as fuck do the portions were small. bad news? i had a puffins AND a starter . tbh i had a lot of fun with my family but it totally ruined my deficit .

i went for a walk and got 10 k steps which was good, but i’m sharing a room with my didbilings do i couldn’t do a workout. would probs fall over now if i tried anyways so whatever.

i’ll be doing this core thing almost every day cos i want to try doing trapeze or aerials in the future which is a good way to burn calories hopefully, and i’ll be starting that tomorrow which im looking forward to. i’ll upload what i tracked tomorrow or smth can’t be bother now.

reallyfucking oissed i ate so much, cos i definitely didn’t need so much at lunch, but also i 1. physically can’t purge it seems via vomiting and 2. i don’t want to seem like insecure to my parents so i ate too much at dinner as well . i’ll put my tracked stuff for yesterday tho.

hope it’s going better for all yous out there. sorry for the ramble i can’t be bothered to be concise .

[bigskydreaming]

That thing where people are harping on about your tendency to ramble and reiterate your point multiple times over in the same post....and you’re like....you do know that’s how ADHD works for some people right? 

Not trying to make this a big deal but it comes up often enough that like.....guys, I’m not unaware of my tendency to do that, but that’s just....how my brain works? It jumps around a lot, *I* lose track of what I’m thinking, and so when I HAVE a point I’m trying to make, I often end up reiterating it multiple times over because I get distracted ten times per post and forget what I’ve already covered. And I can circle back to double check as many times as I want, it doesn’t mean I’ll actually retain the results of that double-check because it doesn’t like doing that either. So the second I start doing that I start a cycle where I keep doing it over and over and just treading water with nothing to show for it. Eventually I kinda gotta just hit post or not, hence why various posts come out the way they do.

Does this make many of my posts large and unwieldy, unnecessarily repetitive and pedantic? You betcha! This is not new information to me. I’m aware it can make many of my posts not worth the read or annoying, but luckily there’s a handy dandy solution for people who dislike this? They can just....choose not to read literally any of my posts they don’t feel is worth the read? I genuinely don’t mind! I’m just.....posting. I’m not handing out a quiz at the end of each one to see who did and didn’t make it all the way to the bottom. I literally DO NOT CARE if somebody just decides eh, this post isn’t for me and skips it entirely.

What I DO care about is when people feel a need to like.....make it a point that they’re not going to read a post because its too ungainly. Its like okay, and? I needed to know that because why? LOL don’t get me wrong, I fully get being a dick to someone you’re having an argument with when you just don’t give a shit about the essay they wrote in response. That’s not what this is about. Someone I’m debating says “lol yeah fuck that, I’m not reading all of that” - lmao I wouldn’t either if I were them, and I get THEM pointing that out because its literally intended as a kind of slight. A slight slight, but a slight nonetheless. “Congrats on wasting your time, because if you only wrote that post with the intent of me reading it, time-wasting was had, because that’s not happening.”

But most of my posts aren’t made with the intent that anyone in particular read them. I’m perfectly happy to ramble on at length about a subject maybe at most two other people actually give enough of a shit to read. Anyone who’s followed me longer than a week has seen me go off on a series of posts that never get more than five notes. I post what I feel like posting, sharing what I think others MIGHT be interested in, and I’m totally okay if it turns out nobody is! I’ll be the judge of what is or isn’t a waste of my time, and if I bother to hit post, guess what, I’ve decided its worth it.

But like, there reaches a point where people’s responses start to come across as ‘any post that isn’t perfectly tailored to MY preferred consumption is a waste of time.’ 

This literally is not intended to act like any of this is as deep as other neurodivergency related matters, but sorry not sorry, there’s a clear difference in my posting style - due to how my thoughts themselves end up organized - when I’m on my ADHD meds versus when I’m not. 

And when the subtext starts to sound like ‘you shouldn’t bother posting unless you’re on your ADHD meds and can articulate any random-ass post you feel like making in most peoples’ preferred fashion’.....that might not be the superior take some of you seem to think it is. Like, just scroll past. Hit that unfollow. Do what you gotta do. The power is yours.

I wish I was better at being concise ALL the time, not just when I have medication to burn on official work, pieces of fiction or posts I prioritize as the ones I think need to be articulated MOST clearly. But there’s no such pill that organizes my thoughts into an ‘ideal’ framework 24/7 though, and yeah, I’m not going to limit my talking online about stuff that interests me to just the times I can communicate the way other people determine to be ideal - especially when I’m not demanding people tune in or holding their attention hostage.

So if you happen to notice your response to someone posting something random kinda sounds like:

“I was inconvenienced by how you communicated the point that I voluntarily chose to be interested in, and I just want you to know that.”

 .....please examine what you’re actually saying there and what you’re actually looking to accomplish by saying it.

And yes, someone else could have made this same post in half the time and at half the length. This is how long it took me. I’m really not interested in apologizing for that and I find it weird and obnoxious that people certainly seem to act like I should feel embarrassed or apologetic about this.

[thatsnicebutimmarried]

I find it so interesting how you and i have such different views on our adhd. You usually say you don’t like how some people frame it as a superpower and i always feel a little weird when people remind me that it’s technically a disability.

Both of them are valid takes though, because yeah it kinda IS a bit of a devastating disorder sometimes, but at the same time a lot of the people in my life want to take that as an excuse to treat me like im an invalid (like the old timey term not the modern use). So if i don’t tell myself that my adhd makes me the baddest bitch on the block i might not have the confidence to tell those people to kindly fuck off.

It’s such a complicated world we live in where it’d all be so much easier if society just rewired itself completely to be less ableist! /s

This ask wasn’t meant to discourage you from adding to those adhd posts i reblog btw! I just thought it was interesting that you have a lot to say on a subject matter I relate to while also having an almost complete opposite approach to it.

I'm sorry I'm just now answering this; I have absolutely no idea when you sent it to me because of course tumblr doesn't tell me how old this ask is, just that it exists. This ended up being an insanely long answer where I rambled a lot about how I relate to these ideas and feel about them and why and how I also think it is interesting that we can have such different (yet valid!) reactions to some of the same ideas about a disorder we both have. Put it all under a read more because uhhh I wrote a lot, because ADHD also means I am incapable of being concise (but it also means I can be super thorough!)

It is interesting, and like, yeah, they are both totally valid and how you view these things is so dependent upon your own experience with it and how people have treated you.

I am not totally against the idea that ADHD is kinda like a superpower, because I will totally agree that there are some cool things about it. I can multi-task in ways other people are baffled by, because my brain is so used to focusing on multiple things at once. Hyperfocus can be a gift as often as it can be a curse. I probably would be a creative person with or without the ADHD but it feels like my mind's tendency to wonder has helped with that.

If I could magically get rid of my depression and anxiety, I'd do it. In a heartbeat. But with ADHD, I'd choose to keep it, because it feels the most intertangled with my personality and who I am as a person. (Maybe I'd see about trading in the Executive Dysfunction and the lack of dopamine upon task completion.)

I definitely think the pros of ADHD should be celebrated, absolutely. I don't want people to think that an ADHD diagnosis means their life is over or for parents to freak out if their kid is diagnosed and demand another explanation. Those things just hurt us all in the long run.

I think the thing that bothers me is when I see ADHD touted as if it is ONLY a superpower. Or like, treated like instead of being in any way a disorder, it is just a "different way of thinking", and that all the issues are just societal, and if we fixed society to be less ableist all the problems would go away. And yeah, there is a lot of validity to the social model of disability. My life gets infinitely easier to deal with when I stop trying to keep to a neurotypical idea of what organization looks like. I'm so much better at putting my dirty clothes in the hamper in the bathroom closet instead of making a pile beside my bed since we moved from our old apartment (where I had to walk around the bed, open the bathroom door, open a french door, open the hamper, and put my clothes in) to our current townhouse (where I walk two feet from my side of the bed to the bathroom door, open bathroom door, immediately open closet door, toss clothes in open hamper). Such a small change and yet the elimination of obstacles means I actually do it.

My time management doesn't look like other people's. It never will. But I also can't imagine there is any society that could ever feasibly exist, especially in my lifetime, where all the social problems that clash with my ADHD are solved and I could just live my life like I didn't have any sort of disorder.

Maybe I'm especially sensitive to this because I've spent most of the last two years kinda left to my own devices, able to create my own schedule, and not necessarily having the outside world pressing on me to fit certain ideas of productivity or organization or functionality, but I still have struggled immensely to be productive or organized or functional even to my own standards. I need more willpower and motivation than I have to create a world for myself within the freedom of my own home and schedule where I take care of myself and keep my home clean and organized and do the things I need to do and also do the things I want to do, and live up to the creative aspirations I have. If I lived in a world that basically let my ADHD take over and dictate my life, even if I was still medicated, I would have the most messed up sleep schedule, I'd spend too much time hyperfocusing on the hyperfixation du jour, I would end up neglecting my own health, I'd live in squalor as would everyone around me, and I would lose all impulse control and never finish the things that I really want to do. Maybe the world wouldn't judge me for those things, and maybe society would be okay with my taking a year to finish a project that really should only take me a couple weeks. Maybe my badass Animal Crossing island would be enough for society to deem me a worthy member of society. But I can't picture a world where I get both the freedom from difficult things like deadlines and precise appointments that need to be remembered and kept, AND the routine and structure and support I need to live up to my potential, even if that means I need those uncomfortable things like deadlines and fires lit under my ass because to my brain, if it isn't on fire it doesn't exist.

So I guess these hot takes where ADHD is theorized to be something that started as like an evolutionary advantage and that if we just put people with ADHD and ASD in the right situations they will naturally flourish and thrive strike me as dismissive of the problems that come with those disorders even in the best possible circumstances, because at the end of the day, our brains don't do certain things that brains are supposed to do. And it can be downright crippling at times. And because I have experienced a lot of people who are dismissive of ADHD in general, that's the thing that irks me.

I'm aware that as a girl, I am DAMN LUCKY to have been diagnosed at age 9, even though my brother was diagnosed at the same time I was, and he was only 5. Because he had the super-energetic hyperactivity so his ADHD was recognized as soon as he started school. Whereas my hyperactivity presents in the form of a brain that has never known a quiet moment in my whole life. The average age for diagnosis in boys is age 7; for girls it is age 12. And that, I assume, is the modern case. I was diagnosed in 2000. A time when many pediatricians were still questioning if girls even GOT ADHD. And I was actually diagnosed with ADD, while my brother was diagnosed with ADHD. I took offense for a long time to the combination of those two disorders into one under the heading of ADHD, because I saw the fundamental difference of the hyperactivity. It wasn't until a few years ago that it occured to me that the different types maybe shouldn't be 1. Inattentive without Hyperactivity and 2. Inattention with Hyperactivity. Girls are more likely to be diagnosed with Type 1 and boys with Type 2. But someone on tumblr pointed out that girls still often present some type of hyperactivity, but instead of literally bouncing off the walls the way boys do, we are often talkative, or, as in my case, I haven't known a quiet moment in my brain since birth. So I'd say maybe we need ADHD: Type 1: Inattentiveness with Mental Hyperactivity and Type 2: Inattentiveness with Physical Hyperactivity.

I was lucky I had a good pediatrician who prescribed me Adderall XR. My mom wasn't against me being medicated. My dad, who ALSO has ADHD, was fine with giving my brother his adderall because something had to stop him from literally bouncing off the walls. But because my ADHD was quieter, less obviously disruptive to others, my dad wouldn't give me my adderall when I went to his house, because he believed that it would ruin the good parts of ADHD for me. I had to start keeping track of my meds and take my adderall secretly on my own when I went to his house. I still deal with people who seem to think that adderall and ritalin are basically just used to get hyper kids to calm down, and that ADHD was and is over-diagnosed and too many doctors prescribe adderall to kids who don't need it. I had this conversation recently with my father in law. Are there cases where doctors prescribe stimulants to kids to help them "calm down" even if those kids DON'T have ADHD? Yeah, it probably happens sometimes. If the parents are super pushy and insistent about it. But I doubt any decent doctor is going to prescribe a STIMULANT, an AMPHETAMINE, to a kid who doesn't have ADHD to calm them down, since if you don't actually HAVE ADHD, those medications are absolutely NOT going to calm you down. If the meds did help the kids calm down, then they did have ADHD and it wasn't a wrong prescription.

My dad for years didn't believe that I could have enough struggles with my ADHD to need medication for it. That instead of losing my creativity on medication, I could actually finally channel and focus it. I've spent so much of my life trying to get people around me to recognize the ways that ADHD exists in my life and the lives of others who have it, to recognize that it is so much more than hyperactivity or "not being able to focus". That no, I can't give you some of my adderall, because 1. I fucking need it, and 2. it's extended release, so if you take it you won't sleep for three days. I've had too many people downplay the seriousness of ADHD's impact, and/or exalt the good things of ADHD and pretend like the steps ADHDers take to manage our disorder (including medication) are going to take away ADHD's benefits and make us too normal and boring or something like that. Or turn us into zombies. Or all that crap. I guess I have always been aware of the benefits of ADHD, and it has been a part of my life since I was so young that I have never had to question whether or not it is a part of me that I would keep if given the choice.

But I have had to fight to get it recognized as a disorder. A real, valid thing that I live with and have to bend my life around in order to do the things that come easy to everyone else. I think people treating ADHD like it is a superpower and like, ONLY a superpower (save for those times when icky ableist society expects us to do things a certain way) is just kind of triggering for me. So often it feels like these studies or positivity posts are trying so hard to celebrate the positive things about ADHD that they just pretend the negative things don't exist. Like, they act like ADHD is Captain Marvel's superpowers. And society is that little chip thing that keeps her from being able to access the full strength of her powers, so, in her words, "I've been fighting with one hand tied behind my back." Like if society could change and we could get in the right position and rip that little disk off our neck, we'd be fully-powered Carol Danvers.

I don't want to sound like I am against any and all ADHD positivity. We need plenty of that, too. Hell, I even need reminding occasionally that for all the shit my disorder puts me through, it's why I can sit down and hyperfocus on a project for 7 straight hours sometimes.

I guess I just want balance. I don't want so much focus on the negative that people are just discouraged and feel like it's impossible to live a happy, healthy, productive life with ADHD. I don't want us to stop celebrating that, yeah, it takes me four hours of fucking around in the morning before I can get anything done, but once I've done that and sit down to work, I will forget the rest of the world exists until I either finish, hit a roadblock so big I burnout and lose steam, or someone reminds me that I need to eat to live. But I also want to acknowledge that we have to be reminded to eat sometimes. That these superpowers have tradeoffs.

ADHD is less like Captain Marvel's powers and more like...vampirism. Like, vampires can fly, and live forever without aging, and turn into bats, and hypnotize people, and maybe sparkle, etc, (depending on what version of myths you want to go with), and like, that's all cool stuff and sounds like a pretty sweet gig. But you also can't go out in sunlight or it'll kill you, and garlic and holy water are deadly, and you can only subsist on blood and maybe have to kill to survive. And those tradeoffs kinda suck.

Idk, I guess I just would like more ADHD positivity that doesn't center on treating ADHD like it isn't ever a negative thing. Disorders and disabilities are not inherently dirty things. It's a different kind of life with different challenges and different advantages. But trying to reframe these things as if they are never negative just further demonizes and dirties the idea of disorders and disabilities. It's like, "Having a disorder is BAD and UGLY and DIRTY and STIGMATIZED. So let's talk about ADHD like it isn't a disorder! It's just a Difference!" Because that just...keeps making "disorder" the bad guy. People with disorders and disabilities don't need to be told we don't actually have a disorder or disability; we just need support for those disorders and disabilities, and for it not to be a "bad, ugly, dirty" thing to have disorders and disabilities.

I want it to be okay to just have a disorder or disability. It doesn't make us any less, it just means that sometimes we need additional support or help. Sometimes it even comes with benefits.

I want to see ADHD positivity that doesn't rely on invalidating this disorder as a disorder, in order to make it positive. I'm not saying we always have to take time to focus on the negative, I just can't vibe with ADHD positivity that focuses on making it seem like the negatives don't exist and ADHD is only ever a superpower. I've struggled too much to get the support I need for the non-superpower parts of ADHD to see any part of ADHD invalidated.

ADHD is a superpower with drawbacks. It's a disorder with benefits. We're neurodivergent, and that's okay.

I've been rambling for long enough now that I don't remember if I've made the points I was trying to make. But uhh idk maybe this explains how I feel about this and why?

Because basically, ADHD positivity, heck yeah! ADHD positivity that depends on treating ADHD as a superpower disguised as a disorder? Uh...no thank you. Can it not be at least a little of both?

[wizardnuke]

I think I might have ADHD and from what research I've done I fit most (around 75%) of the criteria, but I don't want to be totally wrong about it so I was wondering if you would be alright telling me when you knew you had ADHD or overarching things/behaviors that people who have ADHD tend to do? Sorry if it's a bad question.

bad questions don't exist my guy! they Are Not Real! so by default this is a good question and I will try to answer coherently. this is not going to be coherent or concise, I am sorry

you don't have to match every single symptom! I'm probably about 75% there too because I'm not hyperactive- not in the way that people think it means, I'm not energetic but hyperactivity is sensory-seeking which I'll elaborate on

1. I say this with an incredible amount of love in my heart, rambling and maybe not getting to the point quickly when you're talking bc u want to add as much detail as possible in order to get ur point across clearly is an ADHD thing and this ask (and my response) is a lovely example of that

2. worrying that you're wrong about it is also very much an ADHD thing because we get really anxious about being laughed at for being wrong about things (google RSD for more info on that) and or because of that we have trouble talking about our issues to people who could impact them in any way, aka a doctor that's diagnosing you

3. I was diagnosed with ADHD-inattentive type (ADD) when I was 13 and I don't particularly remember being 13 or any younger than that jdjfjfjf, my mom is also ADHD-i and she recognized the symptoms!

but uh some assorted ADHD things that I do or see others do that aren't really included in symptom lists are:

- having a bad sleep schedule (like falling asleep at 2am and waking up at 12) bc our circadian rhythm is different. doesn't necessarily mean u wake up a lot when you sleep because I sleep like the dead,, once I manage to fall asleep which takes hours more than it does for nts

- seeing patterns in things that there aren't always actual patterns in. I don't know why this is a thing that ADHD (and autistic!) people do but it seems to be widespread. personally I have an emotional attachment to the fibonacci sequence and I really love music theory bc. patterns.

- gifted kid burnout. I'm 100% serious. it's often, not always but often, an ADHD thing

- ADHD people are disorganized because it's hard to prioritize things. should I put my clothes in the hamper or should I bring the dishes to the kitchen or should I text my friend or should I check my email or- etc.

- constant overwhelm

- trouble with social skills other than interrupting/impatience, I have trouble discerning tone both online and irl so I take things too literally, which is commonly seen as something that only happens to people with autism but I'm hmm most likely not autistic.

- this isn't an example but I think about the "I was diagnosed with ADHD which means my doctor said hey you have autism lite and you should microdose meth" tweet every single day and it never stops sending me

- neurotypical people DO NOT have hyperfixations and they don't hyperfocus. they literally do not. I don't care if an nt says that they do. it means that they're autistic/ADHD. NTs have hobbies and interests and jobs. NDs get overtaken by their interests and sometimes it's difficult for us to focus on other things because of it

- it's comorbid (exists alongside/is impacted by/causes) with a lot of other disorders/mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, PTSD (I mean that ADHD causes PTSD), dyslexia, dyscalculia, audio processing disorder, etc

SENSORY STUFF BECAUSE IT DESERVES ITS OWN SECTION:

sensory issues

- not liking textures, light being too bright, sounds being jumbled together and hard to discern.

- some people with ADHD also have audio processing disorder, which makes it hard for them to understand verbal speech quickly. ppl talk to me and it feels like I have to buffer for 10 seconds before I can understand them

sensory-seeking behavior.

- this includes the Leg Bounce™, other physical motions that you might do which ranges from wiggling around to pacing to cracking your knuckles a lot, echolalia (saying something repeatedly bc uhh its fun), etc. those are all types of stimming, which autistic people (and neurotypical ppl but less so for reasons I'll elaborate on in a second) also do.

this is because ADHD is caused by low dopamine, one of the happy chemicals, and it's harder for us to feel content by literally everything because our brains require a level of activity that they aren't getting because they.. have low dopamine. so stimming gives us more of the sensory input that we need.

- did u know that nt people actually feel satisfied after doing daily chores like laundry and doing the dishes because apparently they do and I got so jealous about that that I almost cried

- this is also why adhd people are "impulsive" or whatever the fuck they say that we are. it's a need for More Stimulation that we don't get unless we work for it in ways that nt people find inconvienent lmao

- so addiction, and by that I mean substance abuse, is something that adhd people are very susceptible to because it makes brain go brrrrrr

- and not addiction, and it makes me mad when people call it that, are behaviors like getting stuck playing games/scrolling social media (which I am very very very guilty of to a painful degree but I literally,, it makes brain go brrr okay), talking aloud, getting upset by monotony, etc.

and this is what we call an infodump

I don't think that a lot of NT people mistake themselves as ADHD. I don't think that self diagnosing is a bad thing to do. if the coping methods and the community help you then you're valid, even if the doctor says that you aren't adhd. doctors can be wrong.

[crqstalite]

writing tag game

tagged by the lovely @ljandersen!

tagging @confundere + @staff-lieutenant-alenko + @lyrishadow +@mariaalenkoshepard + @that-wasnt-so-bad <3 If you've already been tagged, sorry!!

How many works do you have on AO3?

26! (1 unfinished epic, 3 multi-chaptered and 22 gen. stories)

What’s your total AO3 word count?

252,821!

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Aftermath (F!Shep/Kaidan Alenko, 5.8k words - 29)

2. Shadow of the Sith (Multi, 104.4k words - 20)

3. Shan (F!Inquisitor/Theron Shan, 26k words - 18)

4. Atin'la (F!BH/Torian Cadera, 3.7k words - 16)

5. TML-143 (F!JK/Lana Beniko/Theron Shan, 2.1k words - 14)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

On the occasion I get them, yes! It takes me a while to get around to them though, sometimes I just don't know what to say! I'm more likely just to ramble back at you or say thank you in thirty thousand different ways than give any insight on a story.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hm. That's...debatable.

Top one? Probably Crisis. I'm still not quite over it, and I still haven't taken another crack at the early months after Koda's death because of it. Usually stories like it I'd be pretty careful to make sure I fleshed it out enough, but it's shorter than most others like it. Short, concise and to the point. And really damn sad because it ends with how Citlali found out she died.

Morbidly, I'm still rather happy with it even just under a year since I wrote it.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I have a pretty small handful, enough to count on my hands. The happiest ending is probably between Rubber Duck (F!Shep/Ashley) and Coasting (F!Shep/Kaidan). Both post-war, both about mostly meaningless tasks or events. They're probably the only ones that are pure fluff.

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

No. Doesn't interest me, I like my fandoms in neatly made boxes.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I have not. Let's not start that.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

No.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes! I found some really old fics on a translated site that had never asked my permission maybe three or four years ago, right when I was starting to gain traction on another site. Given, I was one of many and I'm not sure what I should've done in that situation, but unfortunately I'm not sure what happened. It was years ago, yet I wonder why they did that. It was a little fic about kids in space. It just doesn't check out no matter how I think about it. Am I upset? Not really, just always thought it was weird.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

See above.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Technically, I currently am. Not quite a fic, but it is writing heavy and I'm terribly excited to share it when I can.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Of all time? Percy/Annabeth easy. I was a YA nerd. Occasionally I still am. Those books were the best escapism I was going to get. But I'm also nearing the three-ish years I was on that both with ME and DA now so that'll probably eventually change.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

It's a pretty high hope, but getting Nine Lives done is seeming more and more impossibly by the day. Developing more characters, developing more relationships, sticking all that on a timeline -- figuring out where the hell Citadel-dweller kids go to school, how they interact with other alien children, biotics, the list goes on and I get more and more frustrated.

What do you even study in alien school?? What the hell do the history books look like?? Gah.

What are your writing strengths?

Combat prose and weird poetic one offs. I am still very happy with the Mars chapters in Redamancy for that reason.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Romance and keeping things concise. Emotions are hard sometimes, I don't know why they did it, all I know is that they did. I get lucky if it's in 1k words or less, and it's not rambling on about an under-explained metaphor.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Meh. I'm not of any opinion, I just appreciate it when it's translated at the end of the chapter if they do it. Other than that, well, that's the reason I'm learning other languages.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I feel like my answer changes every time I answer this, but probably Legend of Korra? Or anything coherent, it'd have to be pushed forward a few years to Maximum Ride. I remember scribbling away on loose leaf paper during class with my trusty stolen (read: found in the hall) mechanical pencil I never had lead for.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I'm not sure right now. I love and nitpick at every one of my fics equally. However, while Letters Home has it's problems, I am terribly happy with how it came out in the end, especially since it came after a bit of a dry spell.

[retphienix]

It's been 6 years :)

On March 30th, 2015 I decided I wanted a gaming side blog. (so we're early, but shush, it's the month for me)

I didn't know what I'd use it for exactly, but I had ideas- something I always have even if most of them only get as far as daydreamin' or writing out before closing them :P

For proof on the lack of direction the blog initially had- the March 30th date is the anniversary of my first post, an in-depth and lengthy review of Dragon Warrior Monsters for the GBC.

If you know the blog then you know "Extremely long and in-depth reviews" aren't the norm around here. As a matter of fact, that first post is the ONLY one I've done!

The closest I've come to ever repeating that would be the (word of the day) Directionless video I put out on Hades to get a grip on the concept of making videos, but that wasn't nearly as much of a 'review' as that first post is.

Tangent, definitely planning on trying my hand at videos some more for the foreseeable future. Probably not gonna use the tagline Full Impressions that I tossed as a whim for the Hades video but yeah- I'm excited to try my hand at a few videos :) tangent over.

It didn't take me long to come up with what I'd like to do for the blog though :)

A few months later I liveblogged a challenge run of FFT where I used only Ramza- a solo run. - Which maybe only happened because I tried a nuzlocke run a year prior on my main account-

(Nuzlocke | FFT challenge run)

Thanks to that haphazard liveblog experiment I started to realize a couple things which became the primary motivators behind this blog.

1) I LOVE sharing experiences. No brainer, I'm sure, but being able to share my experiences, and compare them with others' experiences, and just that mutual sharing is uplifting and feels good to do.

2) Liveblogging is an EXCEPTIONAL motivator to buckle down and play all those games I said I'd play (cue everyone laughing because I'm still way behind and have an immeasurable backlog).

But I mean that, on both respects. I have plenty of motivators toward the blog today, but if I were to be concise it's pretty much "It's easier to beat games if I liveblog them- otherwise I get distracted and play other games" and "I love sharing experiences and thoughts with people about my favorite thing- games."

Since 2015 I've tackled around 70 games as full playthroughs, and an untold ton as one offs or just to ramble about for a bit.

I've had a lot of highlights over the years, and I don't talk much about it as an overall experience so I thought for the anniversary I'd try to do just that. Not everything- I can't say I have photographic memory that would bring all of it up without prompting after all :P But whatever comes to mind as I browse some of my old stuff- as well as some thoughts on what I'd like to see in the future.

It's gonna be a bit self-centric I assume as I type this preamble to it, so let me say outright that this blog wouldn't be half of what it is without all the people who've given it the time of day over the years.

From recommending games they love or appreciate, to comparing thoughts, to offering kind words for analysis I've done over the years, to pointing out when I'm dumb and misread a situation :P- to, yes, even the people who decided "Fuck this guy's ramble" and deleted my captions before reblogging my gifs way back during Hamtaro (Of COURSE I remember that! It's amusing lol).

This is better because of others, because of the interactions and the people I've gotten the chance to chat with or befriend. It's just a liveblog more or less, my own little bit of fun I toss out for myself if for anyone- so seeing others enjoy this or that from the work I put into sharing my experiences or thoughts is always a joy in itself :)

Anyway, onto selfishly rambling about some tidbits of the past :)

Also sorry but no, opted to not shove a ton of photos in, it does have a handful of links to old posts though :P

This'll be disorganized as heck as I'll add to it over time before I feel it's worth posting (or the tumblr post editor becomes a hassle and more or less forces me to).

First~

FFT Solo Ramza Challenge: Considering it was roughly the first thing this blog has done, it's also something that's stuck in my head a lot more clearly than most of the other stuff I've done to be honest lol.

In truth, this is partially because FFT is my favorite game, bar none. But it's also because the whole experience was pretty new to me. Prior to it I had really only done one self-imposed-challenge that wasn't requested by the game in some manner and that was a nuzlocke run of Blue version.

So adding a challenge to my favorite game was a fantastic experience!

Notes I just wanted to say today about that run: If anyone enjoys FFT I honestly recommend giving it a shot for the unique story it lends itself to. I do recommend skipping the rules until after the second battle but that's up to YOU to decide.

My first post on the subject is me complaining about spending 4 hours grinding out the second fight and, despite hyperbole being my natural state, that was NOT hyperbole.

It DID take 60~ restarts to beat. It DID take 4 hours. The reason is that that 2nd battle is RNG as HECK, you HAVE to have Delita do some meaningful actions, you HAVE to have the enemies miss and make poor plays, you damn near HAVE to crit a few instances to save yourself from taking too much damage.

It's a numbers game to the extreme, so I wouldn't fault anyone for 'cheating' and skipping the 2nd fight for the ruleset lol.

The memory that stands out the most for that run is actually isolated in a post in which Ramza (Purrick in this run) talks like a total badass as just ONE DUDE running into a room full of enemies. I just think on that as a great encapsulated view of what it was like. The run started off face grindingly difficult, but because FFT is a game that offers so much freedom to the player it was extremely easy to 'break' the game into making Purrick overpowered as hell.

That's something I love about some tactical RPGs, I love having the ability to play smart so that I can play stupid later on, and breaking the game into making him one shot god is certainly a good payoff for playing smart early on :P

RetQuick: I miss RetQuick, it was primarily a short experiment I did in 2015 where I'd play a game for a short span of time (REALLY short, like 10-20 minutes) and record that for the purpose of making gifs and saying a short piece on what I thought.

It's one of those formats where the purpose was pretty shallow- but had a reason. I wanted to try making some gifs with some tools that existed online, so I made an excuse to do just that.

I also wanted to play a TON of games, usually through emulation on my sister's PSP, and this let me do that.

These two minor goals came together and so I spent a while making RetQuicks which were honestly more fun to make than they had any right to be. I mean the gifs were tedious but the playing? The thought sharing? The end product ocassionally having more appeal than just a photoset? It was fun.

I'm thinking whenever I have trouble picking a game for the blog I'll revisit the format... sorta.

I already reused it for a short stint to show clips I had no plan on expanding into a playthrough, but that died as well as it was too similar to Tidbits posts (another tag I no longer really use).

My thought is to rebrand retquick as something of a tryout for what game comes next. Play a handful of my backlog games for an hour or so each and say some thoughts before saying which one I'll continue as the main game for that period of time.

Old Tag Stuff: One of those things that only sticks to me since I made the decisions but it's always funny for me to look back on my old posts because I was apprehensive as hell toward making my posts visible. The reason my early playthroughs on the My-Tags page are variants of Ret instead of just "The name of the game so people can find this post" is because I felt like a liveblog would just spam the tag to hell-

Something I don't remotely feel bad for doing anymore.

So I avoided getting any sort of spotlight for quite a while on the blog for little reason.

Why Retphienix?: This is just a dumb thought I wanted to share and I'm sure I've said before.

It stands for retro!

Yeah!

Ain't that dumb and also not a real shorthand? lol

I think I have some sort of deer in headlights anxiety towards naming things, I mean do you think I think Full Impressions is a good summation for a video? I don't. But perhaps that's overshadowed by the other inexperiences and anxiety driven decisions that had- doesn't matter.

Retphienix is Retphienix because I sat there in 2015 and thought "Well... what do I name an alt account?"

My main is Redphienix, which yes, is ALSO a terrible name AND is misspelled. But it's that because of sentimental reasons. As a kid I misspelled Redphoenix when making my gamertag (I knew how to spell Phoenix back then as well, I was too excited about xbox live and misspelled it) and it's become something of a sentimental misspelling.

So I wanted to make a mix on that for my game blog, but I had no idea what. In the end I thought "RetroPhienix? I don't know. Retphienix is closer to Redphienix. I'll do that" and so it was done.

And just like how Redphienix is both bad and misspelled but exists because of sentimental reasons- Retphienix has acquired the same 'flavor' in my eye lol.

Aspirations for the blog: I have no immediate ramp up plans or road map or whatever, and in truth I'll be happy if the blog stays just as it is forever- up until tumblr ends- I cry over lost posts- and I reopen it on another platform.

But I do have blurry half-considered daydreams that I'd like to see happen for the blog through some hard work or shifts on my part.

One is something I'm already doing kinda, hence my embarrassing means of bringing it up a lot lately. Videos- I want those. I wanna make some looks back on series people don't talk about that I enjoy, I want to make videos sharing my thoughts on games I beat for the blog (like what full impressions kinda was, but I don't think they'll have a unified name from here on out). Maybe retrospectives, but mostly when I think of making a video tied to retphienix or me in general it's me looking at a game that said something to me, and saying it louder with my own interpretations on it.

You know the kind, videos where they talk about a video game but not the whole thing- just a singular message they really heard loud and clear from it intentionally or not. I dig those and I know I end a lot of games having plenty to say that could be directed into such a format.

We'll see.

And I'm along for the ride on that one as well- currently I'm keeping my eyes on whatever is directly next, which happens to be "I plan on playing Omori, if it clicks as something to talk about I would like to take a shot at that in a video too!"

The other is that I'd like to build a small community. Wouldn't know the first thing on doing that in a modern sense, but just a little online friend group to chat with and play games together. Something that could open up multiplayer and coop experiences being better shared on the blog and would just in general expand my gaming to what it used to be back on the 360 when I had a large group to play with.

Since the 360 era ended I've pretty much closed off- stopped playing competitive games due to lack of interest- and slowed down to playing all games either solo, with randoms (and no mic usually), or with my cousin. It's a rare instance when I play with some good people like @gamesception or another friend of mine, John.

When I diverted from playing competitive games nonstop toward other genres I didn't intend to also cut out all my online gaming buds, it just kinda happened, and I never really put any effort into rectifying that.

So more or less I'd like to one day sit down and work on a discord server, and then buck up and put the leg work in to make some gamin' buds again, but that's such a vague concept anymore.

Sounds all sad and what not but it's more ambivalent, I made decisions that

changed how gaming worked for me after the 360 and this is just where it landed for better and worse- I'd just like to see if I can make it a little better :P

General things I think when I think retphienix: Honestly? I think of how much fun I've had over the years and how thankful I am to have had an outlet that encouraged me to explore more of the medium.

I REALLY love games. I went to college for games, I've written LEAGUES about games, I've played countless games, my childhood was games, my adult life is games- games games games yada yada yada.

So when I think of retphienix I think of how without it I probably wouldn't have explored a lot of the corners of gaming that I have.

I genuinely, and I mean this, might not have sat down and beaten FF7 for myself and would have considered the amount I played as a kid to be enough.

I might not have played Chrono Trigger yet, and I KNOW I wouldn't have played Chrono Cross, and I'm happy as hell to have played both of those. CT was a mind blowing moment for me that showed me just how good an RPG can be, and CC gave me miles to think of in terms of innovating an RPG and how beholden to the narrative a sequel should be (I don't feel CC should have been chrono at all lol).

I DEFINITELY wouldn't have given New Vegas another chance. And I know I'm a sourpuss on NV, I've been that way since I maxed my achievements on the 360 for it, but replaying it really did reveal to me how exceedingly negative I was being.

My memories had become "It's brown and a boring location >:(" and "The factions all suck and it doesn't do anything with the idea of bad factions >:(" and became "It's... a little brown guys, not a big fan of the area" and "They didn't do enough with exploring the gray factions" while adding "Wait. This is pretty damn fun. And 90% of the additions are stellar. And I forgot about Dead Money, my favorite dlc in any game ever with a story that tears at my heart every time I think of it, NV good actually?"

Faxanadu would have remained a cool game I saw on SSFF and not a game I played to the end and fell in love with the aesthetic feel it has!

Also that's a game I cheated like crazy on lol, I would do it again! Save state scumming games meant to be rudely difficult is only fair :P

I probably would have never sat down to play through Windwaker which was such a positive and uplifting experience that I now get the most relaxed and warm feeling in my heart when I see those blue waves.

There's so many experiences I would have left on the table in favor of like... putting more hours into a live service title or something.

Maybe, and no offense to my cousin or anyone else playing it, but maybe I'd be no-lifing World of Warcraft nonstop just stagnating my interest toward the skinner box mechanics of an MMO?

Some offense, actually but lightheartedly lol.

But beyond the entire games I've played for the blog, when I think retphienix I picture all the time making gifs, all those games I played on the PSP for short stints, buying a retron 5 to add to what I could explore and being stoked when they shipped a freebie box of old controllers to go with it, getting angry at the retron for being a Piece Of Shit lol, crying at the end of damn near every game with an emotional story because I'm a big emotional mess of a person who finds investing and crying at a story way too easy thanks to empathy pulls, oh!-

Getting excited whenever I found that I had a "*controversial*" opinion that no one would care about lol. Like the one that comes to mind is that I thoroughly believe that Dragon Ball Z II: Gekishin Freeza!! for the NES is WAY better than the fandom recognized and appreciated sequel/remake Dragon Ball Z: Legend of the Super Saiyan!

How many people do you hear talking about either game, let alone saying the NES game that is roughly half of the SNES remake is the better one :P But I stand by that! The SNES one is a remake of DBZ1 and 2 for the NES but it loses all the charm and some of the fun of the NES ones by being a lackluster SNES game!

lol

I admitted wholeheartedly that this post would be a lit-

little directionless (gotta love the new tumblr poster making me break sentences like that), but to sum things up.

It's been 6 years. It's been an untold amount of work to be honest- liveblogging a game, at least for me, hasn't been the easiest thing. It's a lot of thinking out my thoughts (heh), it's a lot of learning tools to make the capturing process possible, it's a lot of experimenting, it's a lot of writing and editing, and, well, sometimes it's just tough.

I mean I went to school for coding, not video editing, not writing, not image processing, not this or that- but this hobby has introduced a lot of things even if only at a VERY base level (I admit fully to using online alternatives to make gifs for instance).

I learned a lot about, well, a lot of things in order to use this blog to learn more about games- and all that work has become part of why I've loved all 6 years of this blog.

6 years of gaming, work, and you all- and it's been worth the investment :) Here's to many more and all of you whether you stumble upon this post or not- literally anyone who's interacted in these 6 years, thank you, and anyone who hasn't I offer you well wishes as well.

<3

[chorusnihili]

I know I still owe you a tag from my Gaster and thank you for your patience on that!! But gonna go ahead and add to the “plots please” because I definitely want to interact with you more

send "plots please" for three (or more) plots / ideas etc. I'm too lazy to go hunt down the actual post (still accepting if anyone wants me to ramble on for them too)

take as long as you need tbh, as long as I'm still hanging around this blog I'll be happy to reply whenever you get around to it.

Honestly anything with Gaster + Gaster is just --- great. It's amazing, 10/10 I'm totally into all of it. (This also applies to any other Gasters reading this.)

My Gaster especially has a love / hate relationship with all other Gasters and his reaction is just ... fun lmao.

I know I chose Refused Form + your Void but honestly, any combination has the potential to be interesting.

Original Form + your Void ; Spoiler Alert, my Original Gaster does not like alternate Gasters at all and. Will freak out a little, ngl. Mainly because he actually doesn't have any knowledge of alternate timelines or really DT or the Void, so it's all very ... Spooky! to him.

Refused Form + Pre Fall ; My G has really ... interesting reactions to Gasters who haven't yet met their demise. He doesn't try to stop it, but he might vaguely allude to what's going to happen. ("The CORE, it's beautiful. What do you think would happen if you fell into it?" ... "Well, lets hope that doesn't happen, shall we?")

Why? Well, that's kinda outside the scope of this question but to put it concisely it basically comes down to his beliefs in KARMA yada yada and thinking that whatever other Gasters did to deserve getting struck out of existence, it's probably not his place to intervene.

That being said if you want to try out an AU where his intervention would cause your Gaster not to fall, I'm all for it. 90% of this blog is bullshit thinly hidden behind a professional presentation, so I'm more than happy to contradict myself for the sake of having a good time. Gaster's a walking contradiction anyways.

To be honest I don't have too much to suggest for your Grillby. He's a cool character and I've read your bio for him a hundred times but? I've got nothing really. The only thing I can suggest is Refused G coming to visit the bar and Grillby having a distinct feeling that this guy is familiar and yet--something seems ... different.

Probably not substantial enough to do something with, tho, I'm sorry!

I'm not super familiar with your other muses, though--Ferno and Flambe I think they are? I've read some of their content but I can't really find much information on them.

That being said I'm willing to just yeet a skeleton into their timelines and see what happens.

Alternately I have a vague concept Fell!Gaster who murdered Asgore, took the throne, and eventually got yeeted into the CORE by Undyne but that's a topic for another time.

But yeah. That's some word salad for you. Other than that, like I said, 90% of this blog is vaguely coherent garbage strung together by sheer force of will, so if there's something you're interesting in doing, chances are I'll find some way to make it work. Feel free to chat with me in IMs or if you prefer, I'm always on Discord: FlourTheCat#0542

[honeyveins]

       — -      hello,  yes,  hi.  it’s  me,  your  least  favorite  planet  named  mun,  here  to  try  and  explain  my  child  without  actually  writing  out  a  full  intro.  fingers  crossed.  oofies.  this  got  long,  please  just  go  on  and  skip  to  the  bottom  for  plot  ideas  !

        —    quick  stats  :

full  name  :  link  jang nicknames  :  n / a  age  :  twenty - two  (  22  ) gender  &  pronouns  :  non - binary  masc  presenting  /  he  &  they birthday  :  august  twenty - sixth  (  08 / 26 / 1998  ) zodiac :  virgo romantic  /  sexual  orientation  :  biromantic  &  bisexual   fandom  :  the  legend  of  zelda  /  breath  of  the  wild  timeline occupation  :  assistant  to  master  blacksmith

(  SKIP  TO  THE  END  FOR  PLOTS  !  )

         —     memory  :

     ❛       — -   the  smell  of  damp,  still  and  spoiled  water  itches  at  the  soft  freckles  that  reside  on  your  nose.  those  that  have  faded  in  the  one  hundred  years  you’ve  been  locked  away  underground.  locked  beneath  the  tall  grass,  cold  walls  that  coated  you  in  a  thin  layer  of  restless  sleep.  with  the  stale  water  that  blanked  your  pale  skin,  covered  in  gorgeous  scars  that  rested  against  your  hips,  the  curves  that  your  waist  held,  your  chest  that  was  constantly  covered  by  armor  was  still  peppered  in  raised,  white  healing  moments. how  these  all  came  before  that  which  they  aptly  named  CALAMITY  GANON. 

    ❛       — -   with  chills  raising  against  your  toned,  yet  fragile  arms,  you  bright  eyes  opened.  sapphie  eyes  that  shone  against  the  water  that  drained  below  you,  cornflower  shade  against  the  moss  covered  stone  that  surrounded  you.  the  slightly  tinted  walls  now  mirroring  that  of  the  necluda  sea,  remembering  being  at  the  helm  and  watching  the  waves  go  from  that  sweet  cerulean  to  white  as  the  waves  crashed  against  the  adorned wood. eyes  that  mirrored  the  sea  were  never  hard  to  forget.

    ❛       — -   crawling on your hands and knees  over  the  rough  rock  bed  that  you’d  gotten  comfortable  in,  a  stretched  spread  along  your  figure,  blonde  tendrils  brushing  against  your  ski  slope  nose  and  blushed  colored  lips. long  blinks  over  those  unforgettable  necluda  eyes,  before  getting  used  to  where  you’d  been  placed.  why  am  i  here  ?  did  we  lose  ?  is  mipha  okay  ?  daruk ?  urbosa  ?  revali ?  ZELDA  ?

        —     teaser  /  summary  :

   ❛       — -   link  jang  leads  a  life  as  boring  and  generic  as  you  can  think.  while  there  were  bumps  along  the  way,  link  still  enjoys  the  life  he  was  given.  along  with  the  parents  he  was  gifted  to.  he’s  shy,  doesn’t  speak  much  and  a  total  dork.  plays  world  of  warcraft  and  reads  comics  in  his  spare  time.  hates  the  taste  of  coffee  and  (  doesn’t,  but  should  )  wears  glasses  that  will  give  you  a  headache. very  sweet  and  loyal  but  with  his  fists  are  always  closed  if  he  needs  to  knock  some  sense  into  you. will  never  tell  someone  a  secret  you  tell  him,  but  it  always  very  bad  at  making  friends  because  he  can’t  open  up.  of  course,  this  will  all  be  explained  in  the  intro.  but  for  now,  this  is  all  i  can  expand  on.  if  you  have  any  questions  about  link,  feel  free  to  ask  them  and  i’ll  be  happy  to  answer  !

       —     plotting  :

i’m  really  bad  at  plotting  and  plots,  but  i  can  come  up  with  a  few  and  i  ADORE  brain - storming,  so  we  can  do  that,  as  well  !

001.  would  die  for  a  plot  where  link  has  a  crush  on  your  muse  and  never  says  anything  about  it.  just  admires  them  from  afar  and  it  too  scared  to  say  anything  about  it. maybe  they  come  into  his  dad’s  shop  or  link  has  seen  them  at  a  coffee  shop /  book  store  /  any  meet - cute  hot - spot  and  they  always  end  up  there  together.  link  has  never  been  in  a  relationship,  so  please  don’t  tease  him  !  CLOSED.

002.  also  think  a  best  friend  that  he  almost  looks  up  to  would  be  sick.  link  is  a  man  of  VERY  few  words  and  never  really  says  much.  he  talks,  but  doesn’t  ramble  or  anything,  keeps  it  very  concise.  but,  if  you  muse  can  ramble  and  talk  and  teach  link  how  to  use  his  big  boy  words  and  get  him  out  of  his  shell,  that’d  be  RAD.

003.  lastly,  i  think  link  having  a  someone  who  he  doesn’t  talk  to,  someone  where  they  can  just  enjoy  each  other’s  company  in  silence  is  cute.  someone  where  they  can  give  each  other  a  look  and  it  speaks  volumes  !   could  also  include  tons  of  fluff  with  cuddling,  watching  movies  and  kisses  on  the  cheek  /  forehead  /  nose.  little  acts  of  showing  their  friendship  and  how  close  they  are.  CLOSED.

that’s  all  i  can  really  think  of,  i’m  up  for  literally  anything. i’m  partial  to  angst,  so  i’m  sorry  if  we  plot  and  it  turns  into  a  big  ball  of  sad,  messy  angst.  but,  feel  free  to  message  me  /  ask  me  for  my  discord.  i’d  love  to  plot  with  all  of  you  !

[artificialqueens]

Case Closed (Part 1/2) - Shalaska - pureCAMP

A/N - So… guess who watched Brooklyn 99 and then decided to… make something… 

It was me. I did that.

So, to preface - I made this inspired by (as you’ll see when you read) Jake and Amy, but not entirely because I like to make my own characters. Anyway, here’s the one where the gang are detectives.

(Also, this will be submitted in two parts consecutively. It was intended to be a oneshot, but it’s… you know… 18.5k words. I really don’t know either. Happy quarantine and much love to any key workers, affected students or teachers out there <3

It was a perfectly normal day in the precinct and Alaska was forty minutes late to work.

In some of her previous jobs, such as waitressing in that horrible little restaurant or working as a store clerk as a teenager, being forty minutes late would almost certainly mean being fired. However, Alaska revelled in the fact that she would most definitely not be fired for her tardiness, and she grinned proudly as she was met with polite applause.

The gentleman who she led in with cuffs behind her didn’t seem quite so receptive to her hero’s welcome.

“Check out this punk,” Alaska announced to the room. “Busted with two hundred kilos of cocaine in his storage unit and found to be the asshole behind that huge drug ring we’ve been tracking. Proud of yourself, bud?”

As expected, her roughed-up drug dealer said nothing, staring fixedly at his reflection in the handcuffs.

“Good work, Detective Thunder.” Captain Tidicue nodded, impressed. “Take him to the holding cell, meeting in five minutes in the break room. Dismissed.”

It was a perfectly normal day, Alaska’s perp was in the holding cell, and as she stepped into the break room, she bumped shoulders with Jinkx.

“Detective Tsunami.”

“Detective Lightning.”

Jinkx’s smile, as always, seemed to stretch from ear to ear and her lipstick was eerily red. Captain Tidicue had tried a few times to get her to tone down the brightness of her makeup, but eventually she had gotten so fond of Jinkx that she let the matter go entirely. Jinkx seemed to get away with a lot of things in that way, and Alaska loved her for it. As a matter of fact, so did the rest of the squad.

Captain Tidicue closed the door behind them and took her place at the front of the room. There was absolutely nothing extraordinary about a normal morning briefing, even if Alaska had been forty minutes late. That happened sometimes and nobody minded. Everything was normal.

“Good morning everybody. I wanted to let you know that we’ll be welcoming a new detective to our squadron beginning today. She’s experienced and smart and she just moved into the area, I think she’ll be a good addition to our team. I want you all to welcome her.” Tidicue smiled. “I know you will. Let her adapt to our ways, yeah? Make her one of us. Anyway, Detective Needles is on her way now. Dismissed.”

She headed off, leaving the rest of the team to break out into excited discussions, with zero intention of running straight to their desks. Jinkx turned to Alaska with a loud laugh.

“Short, sweet, concise. Never thought I’d see that from a New Yorker.” She quipped.

Alaska chuckled. “Okay, Chicago, calm down.”

“Whatever, Pennsylvania.” Jinkx paused. “Fuck, that isn’t nearly as insulting even though we’re just naming states.”

From across the room, Sergeant Royale beckoned the two of them over, where she was chatting with Detectives Velour, Coulee and Michaels. Inexplicably, Willam, the notoriously work-shy secretary, had also managed to sneak her way in and was perched on the table, right in the midst of the conversation.

“So! New detective, huh? Things are getting exciting round here.” Latrice fought back her laugh as Alaska, rising to the bait despite knowing it had been laid there just to get her, opened her mouth.

“Hey! I literally just busted a massive drug trafficking ring! Is that not exciting?” 

The squad laughed, and Alaska acquiesced with a giggle. “But seriously? Detective Needles? Do you think she’s just really good at drug cases or what?”

A new voice appeared suddenly. “Well, yeah. But unfortunately that’s my actual name.”

Alaska whirled around and promptly smashed foreheads with possibly the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. The woman in question reeled backwards slightly and started to rub her head, but offered her hand and a charming smile regardless.

“Detective Needles. Your story is pretty impressive, I’m sorry that my name is stealing your thunder.”

Alaska started to giggle in spite of herself. “Oh my god, this is brilliant. Hi, Detective Needles, I’m Detective Thunder.”

“You’re shitting me. That’s such a fucking cool name.”

“And Needles isn’t?”

“Yours is cooler.”

“No way!” Alaska faced her colleagues again. “Am I really arguing with someone about whose name is cooler and I’m not on my own side? Jinkx, slap me.”

Jinkx raised her hand. “Gladly!”

Before she could deliver what was sure to be an almighty sobering smack, Latrice butted in with a calming hand and her ever-diplomatic ways. “The only way to solve this is by first names. At the same time, go.”

“Alaska.”

“Sharon. Fuck!”

Sharon crossed her arms over her chest as Alaska celebrated her victory. “God, I hate my parents right now. They gave me the most suburban white mom name ever.”

Thus began Alaska’s first triumph over Sharon Needles. Sharon Needles, who was a detective, who would be working a few feet across the room from her now, who was surprisingly tall and with dark curls that really suited her face and eyes that were surprisingly sparkly even though she seemed like she would be quite intimidating in the interrogation room and a leather jacket that made her look so badass and-

Detective Needles made quite a strong impression on that perfectly normal day.

-

It turned out that Detectives Thunder and Needles worked together like a dream. Alaska called them thick as thieves, once, and Sharon proceeded to double over in incredulous laughter that her partner hadn’t even noticed her own hilariously unintentional joke.

Usually, Captain Tidicue would assign Alaska to work with Jinkx, given the close nature of their friendship, but seeing Sharon’s arrest numbers at a similar rate to Alaska’s, she had decided they could work the case together instead. It was almost like she didn’t know they had an unspoken bet about who was going to get more, and that it was actually a very spoken bet that was being monitored daily by tally marks on the whiteboard and was currently tied. 

And she almost definitely did know about the bet, because there was no way Latrice hadn’t told her.

“Okay. I think, when we catch this guy, we both add a point to our list of arrests since we did it together. That cool?”

Sharon laughed. “Ooh, feeling nervous? You want to keep us on an equal playing ground, huh?”

“No, I just don’t wanna hurt your feelings,” She teased, “I know you’re a little sensitive. You need these arrests to make you feel cool.”

“I’m already cool.”

Alaska snorted. “Right, sure. I did some sneaky detective work and found out your favourite show is Jeopardy.”

Sharon frowned at her, the mirth evident behind her eyes. “You mean, you followed my Twitter? Also, Jeopardy is a great show, and if I was straight, I’d go for Alex Trebek in a heartbeat.”

They were nestled in a discreet car to help them blend into the city, dressed casually to avoid arousing suspicion. When Sharon rocked up in leopard print and leather, Alaska had first mercilessly mocked her before admitting that she was highly impressed by the choice of attire, and wished her jeans were quite as bold. Naturally, Sharon gave as good as she got. 

Still, they had been getting bored waiting for their suspect to turn up around town, and had taken to mindless conversation. It was beginning to get… interesting.

“Alex Trebek?! Sharon, he’s like ninety.”

“He’s seventy nine!” Sharon shrugged, and then chuckled and conceded. “He’s a total zaddy, okay, you wouldn’t get it. Anyway, he’s a man so I’m not actually into him, and no one will believe that I told you this so you have zero leverage.”

Alaska leant back in her chair, keeping her eyes on the street. “Well, if you can hold that against me, I can do that too. I used to be terrified of Marilyn Manson as a child, but then when I was a preteen - so before I was gay - I had a crush on him. There. Something no one will believe.”

Sharon gasped. “You monster. I’m dying to use that against you!”

“Well, you can’t.”

“I can’t believe you’re aroused by scary people. Do you jack it to Freddy Kreuger or something?”

“This is getting weird.”

“Agreed.” Sharon held up her hands. “In all fairness, you took it there, not me. So, we should quickly go over the plan because the asshole just turned up for his shift at the store, fifteen minutes after it should’ve started.”

She pointed. A tall, balding white man was entering the run-down convenience store, his bright employee vest halfheartedly tucked into his baggy trousers. Alaska looked down at their case file and nodded.

“Alright. Darren Jones, you’re going down. Sharon, tell me your fake name and invent a story to go with it, I like a bit of storytelling. Adds some pizazz to the case.”

Sharon rolled her eyes and giggled. “You’re the world’s most immature detective. We don’t need to go undercover for this.”

Alaska raised an eyebrow. “It’s fun, Needles. Much more fun than watching episodes of Jeopardy.”

“Rude, but fine. My name is Sarah Anne Jefferson and I’m visiting from Iowa, I have an addiction to cigarettes and I need the store clerk to search all the way at the back of the shelf for the good ones, because I may be desperate but I’m still picky and that bullshit fake excuse means he’ll have to face away from us so we can surround him. I also happen to be very conversational and may casually ask him about his weekend during my rambling about my dumb boyfriend Brad, who’s from California.”

Alaska shuddered, snapping the case file shut. “I don’t know what’s worse, California or Iowa. Gross.”

Sharon winked, and Alaska maybe found it a little bit hot. “Iowa. I grew up there, it’s terrible. The town I lived in is famous for dryers and meth. A great combo.”

“I’d argue California is still worse.”

“You’re right.” Sharon undid her seatbelt. “Okay. Detective Thunder, you’re heading to the back of the store so that you can search for the milk and sneak round so we got him on both sides and he can’t run. You ready?”

Alaska winked back. “Born ready, baby.”

So what if Alaska became a detective just to pretend she was one of those badass cops from a movie? It was worth it - she could protect civilians, take down bad guys and pretend to be a cool movie cop, all at the same time.

She browsed the store idly, waiting until she heard Sharon enter the store and began listening for her cue. Darren Jones was connected to a series of robberies around the area, and despite his penchant for breaking into places without witnesses, the guy was a total dunce. Each of his crime scenes had several valuable items stolen, all of which had been recovered in his apartment earlier that day, and he was stupid enough to leave fingerprints all over the items and the crime scene.

He was a terribly unskilled criminal, that was for sure. Whilst Alaska loved cracking the difficult cases, this one had been pretty fun. It was like watching a child blundering their way through college. He had no idea what he was doing, and it was an easy arrest. 

“Hi there! My name’s Sarah Anne, sweetie, y’all got cigarettes in here? Oh, perfect, thank you so much. Listen, I know this is an odd request, but do you mind digging for the ones at the back of the top shelf? They’re always better when the air can’t get to ‘em, you know?”

Alaska held her breath, fighting not to laugh as Sharon exaggerated her Iowan accent. There was nothing… objectively funny about the accent, just that fact that it was Sharon’s but stronger and the fact that Sharon seemed to work so hard to convince everyone of how much she loved Pittsburgh when she had lived there. She almost always sounded like she was born there, except for now.

Nobody else would find it funny. But Alaska knew her and Sharon would laugh about it later, because they had great banter and no one else could stop them. She crept further along the aisles, inching closer to the cashier desk, listening.

“-asshole boyfriend Brett convinced me to smoke them like that years ago and I always do now. He was here all weekend, driving me nuts. Did you get busy this weekend?”

Alaska readied herself, the signal having been sent. The idiot cashier/criminal kept his back turned as he responded, allowing Alaska to position herself behind him on the other side of Sharon.

“Oh, not really, just hung out at home…”

He trailed off when he saw their police badges glinting in his direction.

“NYPD, you’re under arrest for three robberies. Darren Jones, you did have a busy weekend, huh?” 

It was highly unprofessional, but Alaska still offered a high-five on the way back to the car, dragging the cuffed Darren behind them, and Sharon still accepted it.

“I thought your asshole boyfriend was Brad? You said Brett.”

“Did I? Oh, I’m cheating on Brett with Brad. They don’t know about each other.”

“Depth! Nice, I love it. Real fleshed out character.”

“Shut up.” Sharon started the car. “So, one more arrest for me since I said the words, so that’s 25 to Needles and 24 to Thunder-”

Immediately, Alaska had to protest. “What?! No, we agreed to split it. A point each, he was an easy one.”

Sharon fiddled with her badge, deep in thought. “Okay, fine. We need some stakes, though.”

“I’m vegetarian.”

“No, not steaks! Stakes!”

“The things you kill vampires with?”

“No! Like, a reason for our bet.” Sharon’s eyes glinted dangerously, and Alaska sucked in an excited breath. “Something that we want from each other. Personally, I want to crush your spirit.”

Alaska nodded. “Alright, nice. I also want to crush your spirit. Maybe we should be more specific.”

An idea started forming in Alaska’s head, and for once it felt like a pretty good one. Naturally, Alaska loved to embarrass and humiliate people, and she loved for people to bring her up in conversation all the time, and her idea would work perfectly for that. Plus, it would be hilarious, particularly for her, and it would make for one hell of a story.

“I got it. However, judging by the slight inclination of your head and the beginnings of a smirk on your face, you’ve got an idea. Hit me with it.”

Predictably, Sharon grinned. “Okay, Detective Alaska Thunder. When I win this bet, you have to watch reruns of Jeopardy with me, and you have to play along. No sitting and saying it’s boring, or dorky-”

“It is dorky.”

“-Didn’t ask - you have to answer questions or rag on the idiots who answer the questions wrong with me. Full involvement, it’s my favourite show.”

As she resisted calling Sharon a dork for the second time (she really was a complete dork beneath her incredible cop/badass persona), Alaska hissed outwardly. She really didn’t want to watch some stupid quiz show, not when there were so many better things on TV these days. For example, Golden Girls reruns. 

“Fine.” Alaska smiled. “I think it’s adorable how you used when and not if. So, when I win this bet, you…”

She held her breath for dramatic effect, watching as Sharon playfully rolled her eyes.

“…Will go on a date with me. And it will be the worst date of your life. I will make sure of it.”

Sharon made a disbelieving face. “Yeah, right. I had a date once where the girl spilled her entire glass of red wine onto my dress and then cried for two hours about her ex, who it turned out she had invited to the restaurant so that she could beg her to get back together. Nothing can top that.”

Alaska sucked in a breath. “Oooh. One, that’s terrible, and two, you just set the highest bar for this date and that is going to be your downfall. I will humiliate you, Needles. You just wait and see.”

“You’re on.”

-

A few weeks passed. Alaska took a considerable lead, and swanned into the precinct every morning with the arrogance level of, according to Captain Tidicue, a peacock who had stumbled into a Las Vegas dressing room. No one had been quite sure about whether that was a compliment or not, judging by her stony, passive face, until it suddenly morphed into a cartoonish grin and they swiftly left the briefing room amid terrified laughter. 

Then, Sharon’s arson case took an interesting turn and Alaska watched, green with envy and competitive spirit, as she made six arrests in one day and started closing the gap between them.

“That’s how you do it, Thunder.” Sharon mimed injecting into her forearm, which in hindsight was probably a little inappropriate, but only Alaska saw it, and she didn’t give a shit.

“Do what, Needles? Get a crippling addiction?”

Sharon shrugged. “I guess I’m just addicted to justice, baby. You better start reading up on your trivia.”

She took off with an infuriating amount of swagger, even worse than that of a Las Vegas peacock.

“That was a fucking fantastic line, Alaska.”

“Shut up, Jinkx.”

-

“Ladies and gentlemen of our squad, no need to be alarmed, but this is just a reminder for Detective Sharon Needles to clear her calendar for our deadline, because she’s looking at a brilliant officer who just took her total up to 41, dwarfing your measly little 37.”

Latrice high-fived Alaska, and Sharon groaned. “Seriously? What the fuck, how?”

“Simple theft case turned murder investigation, naturally. Gang crime. Boom!”

At Detective Michaels’ stern face, she deflated slightly. “Okay. Gang crime and murder isn’t cool nor acceptable to celebrate in the workplace, however, I am winning.”

-

It was 11pm, which meant that Sharon had definitely missed that night’s Jeopardy episode, and yet Alaska noted that it didn’t even seem like she cared. Maybe that was her professionalism, given that they were on a short stakeout waiting for a drug deal to go down so that they could rush in and arrest the guys, but whatever. She hadn’t even mentioned it, and they had been talking a lot.

Jinkx had been Alaska’s best friend ever since she joined the precinct as a new officer. They had connected so well, and it almost felt like they were easy best friends within a week or two. But it wasn’t quite like that with Sharon.

If anything, it was totally the opposite. They got along extremely well, but it wasn’t the kind of easy-going friendship that she shared with Jinkx, not at all. Of course, they talked personally the same way, and argued and laughed and cooperated the same way, but being around Sharon didn’t feel easy. It felt… exciting, almost. Invigorating. 

Perhaps it was the thrill of a new friend, coupled with an exciting job and a fantastic work relationship.

“It’s getting late, I hope this drug deal happens before three in the fucking morning. I’d love to get some sleep tonight.” Alaska groaned, sitting down on a plastic chair beside Sharon. She had perched on an overturned storage container, as apparently the roof of the building they were staked out on didn’t have much in the way of garbage removal.

“We can take shifts, if you like? If it gets real late and we’re exhausted, I mean. I’d happily take first watch.”

Sharon tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and Alaska watched her with a soft smile. “I can’t let you do that, Needles, that’s not fair. But, I did bring snacks, so that should give us some energy. How do you feel about…”

She dug into her bag. “Uh, off-brand chocolate counter things? I hear they’re pretty good… probably.”

In the moonlight, Sharon’s skin looked almost blue, like a nymph. Her quiet giggle was mesmerising after the awkward silence of an abandoned industrial site.

“I won’t turn them down.”

They kept watch, determined not to miss any minor discrepancies that would reveal their perpetrator in the midst of the darkness. All they needed was one damning deal, some incriminating photographs, and they could make their arrest and still get a good night’s sleep.

In the meantime, they had their ways of entertaining themselves. Namely, telling horrific jokes, and attempting to catch chocolate counters in their mouths, at which Sharon was awful.

Yet another victory Alaska could laud over her.

She doubled over in laughter as Sharon kept trying, missing by miles and in turn, collapsing into giggles. Her head was bent at all kinds of strange angles as she kept going, the counters flying everywhere but her mouth, even pinging off the edge of the roof. The closest she came was landing smack on the middle of Sharon’s forehead, which she counted as a win, and Alaska counted as a complete and utter fail.

“I can’t fathom someone being that bad at catching them in your mouth! It’s so easy!” Alaska wheezed. “Look, let me show you.”

Sharon stood up. “Fine, fine, you gotta teach me. As soon as I throw it, I can’t see it anymore! I don’t get your game, Thunder!”

Alaska stood in front of her, close so that Sharon could watch. She quite liked being taller than her partner - it meant Sharon had to look up to her, just like she would be when Alaska won their bet. It must’ve been a humbling feeling, Alaska assumed. 

“See? Watch.” She flicked the counter into the air and caught it deftly on her tongue. “Easy. Challenge mode, throw me more than one. Get a good handful or something.”

Sharon’s hand was already reaching into the bag. “You’re never gonna get all these. Nobody’s that good.”

“Try me.”

The handful rained down out of nowhere, and needless to say, Sharon’s cackles of delight made the meagre one counter that she managed to catch seem a little better. A good amount of them had fallen onto her face, anyway, so by Sharon’s standards, that must count as a win.

“I concede, you’re the chocolate champion. Congrats.” Sharon grinned. 

Bowing, Alaska offered her most dazzling smile. “Told you I’m amazing.”

“And you have chocolate on your face. Real dignified.”

“Ha! You’re bluffing.”

“No, I’m serious!” Sharon’s eyes sparkled with humour. “Let me get it.”

She closed the tiny gap between them and stepped closer, Alaska again noting the slight height difference between them and how kind and sweet the moonlight made Sharon’s features appear. Her eyebrows furrowed and then relaxed as she reached an admittedly cold hand towards Alaska’s lips. Everything seemed to happen agonisingly slow, as she gently brushed her thumb over the corner of Alaska’s mouth and her expression softened. In the background, Alaska heard a car door shut. She never wanted to take her eyes away from Sharon in the moment, but regrettably found herself doing so.

“I think that’s our guy.”

She sighed, internally cursing herself over and over as they each took a step backwards, Sharon coughing and righting herself with a nod. “Right. Armed and ready?”

Alaska nodded, confused about why she felt so disappointed. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

-

They caught the guys red-handed. Alaska said the words, so she took credit for the arrests. 

Sharon rewrote the scores on the board and blew raspberries at her. Detective Velour suggested that Sharon had sunk to Alaska levels of childishness, to which she received a high-five from most of the other detectives, some laughs of agreement, and one outraged huff followed by a much louder raspberry than Sharon’s had been.

-

When Alaska got to her desk, Jinkx was already there waiting. She held a case file between her fingers and she tapped her foot impatiently as Alaska sat down and looked at her.

“Tidicue just thanked Sharon for the two of you offering to take that drug stakeout and rejecting the backup offer.”

Alaska shrugged. “That was nice of her.”

Jinkx pressed on. “She seemed a little confused. Almost as if she didn’t know that the two of you volunteered, or that there was a backup team. I didn’t pry, but I saw her face. Just wondering when you were planning on admitting that you like her.”

Something about the accusation made Alaska feel a little hot under the collar. What the hell was Jinkx trying to imply? That she liked Sharon? It made no sense. Alaska took comfort in how absurd it was.

“Of course I like Sharon,” She chose to respond, deliberately ignoring the obvious implication. “She’s a great detective and a good friend. We didn’t need backup, so I didn’t ask for it.”

Inexplicably, Jinkx’s eye roll was almost audible. “Or you were just enjoying your alone time…”

Alaska looked at her screen. Her computer was open and unlocked, as she’d left it, and there was a form that needed filling in before she got started on some of her paperwork that had been piling up on her desk. Really, she needed to get a move on with it all. Jinkx was highly unprofessional for interrupting her. Alaska had never done that to anyone before, of course.

“I have work to do, shut up. It wasn’t alone time, it was a stakeout! We were literally working together, as colleagues.” Alaska sent back an eye roll of her own. “I don’t like Sharon that way, she’s not my type. Don’t make it weird.”

From behind her, someone cleared their throat. Alaska spun in her chair and found Sharon having just approached, tucking her hair behind her ears and smiling awkwardly. “Tidicue said we should split the paperwork. I just came to pick up my half.”

She gathered some of the files from the desk in a few seconds and left with another brief smile. Alaska watched her go, then turned and met eyes with Jinkx, who was nothing if not a picture of smugness.

“See? We’re professionals.” Alaska retorted.

Jinkx shrugged. “Sure. Okay. I believe you. Just putting it out there that you seem so determined to win the bet and make the forfeit the worst date ever, you’re putting a lot of thought into this. But fine, I’ll leave you to it.”

As she slunk away, back to her own desk, Alaska swore she heard Jinkx humming a wedding march. 

-

“Hey, Sharon! Hey, glad I could catch you. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

The roof had quite the scenic view of the city. It wasn’t particularly high, but it gave a perfect vantage point of everything that Alaska considered essential to make up her home - graffiti, pigeons, dodgy food vendors and an every-man-for-himself attitude wrapped in an aura of grey bleakness. That being said, grimy and dark as it could sometimes be, there was a lot of life and colour and excitement in the city that could always be relied on to keep things interesting. As she joined Sharon by the edge of the brick wall, where she was absent-mindedly tapping off cigarette ash, they watched as passersby went about their days.

“I know you probably overheard a little of what Jinkx was saying to me, which was totally out of line, but I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t hurt your feelings or anything with what I said.”

Sharon looked pensive for a moment, then she took one final drag from her cigarette and stubbed it out before throwing it into the trash. Alaska felt strangely nervous as she waited for a response - apologies and humility were not really her style.

“Oh, it’s fine.” Sharon replied, amused. “I wasn’t hurt. My type isn’t really cocky, arrogant and goofy, so…”

Alaska laughed. “Right! Like, I’m just not into… I mean, you look like a nerdy dork who tried to reinvent herself as a biker chick by just wearing leather. Different personalities.”

“Exactly!” Sharon agreed with a smile. “You’re too blase for my tastes.”

“And you’re really Type A. Too strict for me. I don’t know what Jinkx is seeing, but she should get her eyes checked.”

Sharon giggled. “Alright, I’m going inside. You coming?”

Alaska watched a pigeon chase a man halfway down the street. “In a minute, you go ahead. I’m getting some fresh air.”

So, progress. This was good. Alaska had proved Jinkx wrong, and clarified in no uncertain terms that she didn’t like Sharon and that Sharon didn’t like her. But at the same time… cocky and arrogant. That struck a nerve, somehow. It wasn’t like her nature hadn’t been commented on before - hell, it was open game to everyone in the squad. They all knew that as a detective, and in general, Alaska was pretty lax and carefree and chilled out. But the fact that those qualities made her unattractive in Sharon’s eyes…

It wasn’t like Alaska wanted Sharon to like her, not in that way. It just… stung. It stung, and it had never stung before when others said it.

-

It was late. The shift was almost over, the clock edging towards midnight, and Alaska overall thought her day had been pretty good. There had been a long, tedious interrogation, but that had kept her entertained for long enough that the rest of the shift was pretty much smooth sailing. She had even had time to harmlessly prank Detective Coulée by covering her computer monitor in googly eyes, during which Latrice, her superior, and Detective Michaels, her moral superior, watched her with disapproving but amused stares.

When Sharon walked in, at two minutes to midnight, her smile lit up the room.

“Thunder, you got a pen? I need to update our arrest numbers.” She asked with a wink.

Alaska shrugged. “I never have a pen, Needles, but I know for a fact that you have one, so I see right through your little power-play.”

Sharon smirked. “Right. Just wanted to make you sweat a little, that’s all.”

She sauntered into the other room, pen in hand. Jinkx got up from her desk and scuttled across to Alaska’s, practically bouncing with excitement. Looking around the room, Alaska noticed that the rest of her colleagues were all watching her with anticipation, knowing what was about to happen. In response, Alaska just offered a grin and held her finger to her lips.

“You’re not gonna tell her?!” Jinkx scream-whispered.

Alaska shrugged again. “She can read, she’s a smart girl. Anyway, I want to hear how she reacts when she-”

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

As the room erupted into laughter, Alaska stood up in the midst of the desks and opened her arms wide. Perfectly on cue, when Sharon stepped out of the briefing room, Jinkx, Sasha and Latrice started releasing party poppers whilst Willam gladly helped Shea unfurl a banner proclaiming Alaska a champion. Detective Michaels, loathe to take part in the childishness of it all but still wanting to offer her support, broke into polite applause.

“Why the fuck is your count one higher than mine? We were tied, I was about to beat you, I-”

Sharon’s eyes fell on the parade and she shook her head. “How?! How?!”

As if rehearsed - although it wasn’t, as Alaska had asked and Captain Tidicue had insisted it would be funnier if it was entirely natural - Tidicue stepped out from her office and shook Alaska’s hand.

“Working with a bunch of children is definitely a challenge, but I enjoyed this little bet. It made two of my best detectives work harder than ever and, Detective Needles, you’ve helped to increase Detective Thunder’s productivity massively. She’s willingly completed paperwork because of you.”

Sharon’s jaw dropped. “But-!”

Alaska’s carefully timed alarm ticked over, and celebratory music cut Sharon’s protest off before it could even start. Deciding to add insult to injury, Alaska performed the most obnoxious victory dance she could think of.

“You see, my dear, dear colleague and close friend, whilst you were out today working your little detective socks off on your case, arresting your one suspect…” Alaska trailed off, leaving the room in gleeful suspense as she wheeled the whiteboard with their scores in, “I put away two guys. And now, since the clock has hit midnight, the bet is over and I have won. Ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Thunder wins again!”

Jinkx joined Alaska’s enthusiastic dance, but they stopped in unison when Alaska held out her hand for silence. “Now, I believe first of all you have a statement to announce?”

If looks could kill, Alaska would have happily died under Sharon’s murderous gaze. “You’re a great detective and you’re hot.”

“Hmm… a little louder. Also, that’s not what I texted you to say, so…”

Sharon shook her head. “I’m not saying it again, nor am I reading your horrendous text. It was scarring enough when I had to read it in my own head.”

Alaska raised her eyebrows in mock sympathy. “Aww. Listen, your terrible date starts now, and our first port of call is for you to do what I say in every humiliating way possible. Would you like a chair?”

“A… chair?”

“To stand on, so everyone can see and hear you.”

This had to be the best day of Alaska’s life. Nothing would compare to the pride and glee that she felt at dragging a plastic chair into the middle of the police station at midnight for Sharon to stand on. Every part of her indignance only made the experience more enjoyable. The rest of the officers rallied around Alaska in a crowd, palpably excited that the bet had finally come to its end.

Sharon read from her phone, and sighed audibly at the content. “I really don’t want to say this.”

“Come on, date-o-mine!” Alaska cajoled her. “Tell everyone what you really think!”

There was a long pause, and then Sharon began speaking in a loud, flat voice. “Attention, everyone! I have… an announcement to make. Alaska Elizabeth Joanne Thunder - that’s really your full name? - is the greatest detective known in this world, and in comparison to her, I am… I am a helpless misguided child. This… wonderful influence on my life will now take me on a date and teach me her mastermind ways.”

She paused and groaned. “I don’t wanna - I also would like to confess to the room the deep and embarrassing nature of my feelings for this heroic woman. She makes my pan- fucking hell I’m not saying that!”

“You can say basement.” Alaska interjected, as unhelpful as possible. “Keep going.”

“She makes my… basement flood, every day. It will be difficult to keep my hands off her tonight. Goodnight everyone.”

The room burst into laughter again, and Sharon stepped down from the chair and whacked Alaska’s arm with a nearby folder. It hurt more than she expected, but something about Sharon’s glare told Alaska to just laugh it off. Instead, she offered a charming smile and handed a plastic bag over.

“Feel free to do your hair however you like, but I’ve packed a beautiful date outfit for you and a lipstick colour that I think will look gorgeous. Meet me out here when you’re done and we’ll head off.”

Naturally, Alaska’s planning for the Worst Date Ever had been meticulous, in possibly the most un-Alaska behaviour of hers ever. Since they had started the bet, she kept track of little bits of information that she could use - things that annoyed Sharon, things that she hated, offhand comments she made that indicated her opinions on things.

For example, she now knew that Sharon hated pink lipstick, claiming it made her look like a man. She thought anything off-shoulder was stupid, and pale colours didn’t flatter her skin tone, and long strappy shoes were dumb because the ties looked weird wrapped around people’s legs.

Her face when she reappeared was something Alaska never wanted to forget.

In the time Sharon had been changing, and likely cursing herself for not winning the bet, Alaska had slipped into something a little nicer in the bathroom too - just a ripped jeans and button-up combo that she would usually wear on a date, which had been made to feel twice as good by Jinkx’s compliments. Alaska suspected her friend was hoping for a romantic connection to blossom on the date, and inwardly laughed at the idea. One, they weren’t into each other like that, and two, this was not the kind of date that would make a girl fall in love.

Sharon emerged with a scowl, but even so, Alaska couldn’t deny that she looked pretty. It was abundantly clear that she hated her outfit from head to toe, which was a great start. In all fairness, the skin-tight pink minidress, off-the-shoulder style with long sleeves, actually looked pretty good on her. It clung to her curves in a somewhat intoxicating way, showcasing a figure that Alaska never knew had been hiding under her detective uniform and leather jackets. 

“I look ridiculous.” She sulked. “I hate these shoes, and this lipstick makes me look like a man. Are you happy?”

As soon as the question was out, Sharon rolled her eyes as she predicted Alaska’s gleeful response. “Thrilled.”

Latrice walked past and stopped to marvel at the outfit, before bursting into infectiously loud laughter. “Damn, Needles, I ain’t never seen you dressed like that before! You look like Angelyne!”

Sharon crossed her arms over her chest. “And you’ll never see it again! It suits Angelyne, it doesn’t fucking suit me! Can we get this thing started already?”

Alaska offered her arm, ever the polite, charming date. “Since you spoke so sweetly of me earlier, of course. You’re going to love my date.”

Sharon was not going to love Alaska’s date.

There were very few restaurants that were still open and serving food past midnight, but that was fine - Alaska wasn’t in the mood for a restaurant. What the city had a plethora of, however, was exactly what she wanted. Even in the darkness of the city streets, lit only by street lamps and the jarring white light of the food stalls, Alaska saw Sharon’s face drop.

“Fuck off. No. You can’t do this to me.”

By far, the worst street of the city was the one they stood in, lined as far as the eye could see with various unsanitary or just plain unusual food trucks. Even drunk Alaska knew better than to search for something edible from them after a night out, which meant it was perfect for her terrible date.

“You get to pick!” Alaska beamed. “I’m a great date partner, so it’s up to you. Of course, I’m paying.”

Sharon tugged at her dress and huffed. “Thunder. You can’t be serious. If we eat from any of these places we won’t shit solid for a week. I am not subjecting myself to food poisoning because of you.”

Eventually, they settled on what seemed like a fairly inoffensive option, a small truck selling wraps and burritos. Sharon took about two bites of her ‘vegetarian special’ before spitting it onto the ground, disgusted. It turned out a cold wrap filled with lukewarm lettuce, tomato and sour cream wasn’t the most appetizing meal. Once she’d thrown it away, she leant towards Alaska and playfully barged into her.

“You’re an asshole! I hate this. I hate you.”

Alaska winked. “Oh, you think you hate me, but trust me, things can only get worse from here. I promised you an awful date and I will deliver because I am a woman of my word. Now, how do you feel about mud, loud noises, and smashing vehicles?”

Sharon glanced down. “In these shoes?”

To be completely honest, Alaska didn’t see the problem with lace-up heels. In fact, she thought they looked quite good wrapped around Sharon’s legs. She had nice legs.

“Come on, let’s go.”

To make the date even worse, on the way to a monster truck rally that some dumb kid Sasha had arrested a few weeks ago had mentioned, Alaska chose a ride-share, subjecting Sharon to twenty minutes in a car with a bunch of hammered straight girls. Every five minutes or so, they whooped loudly and demanded the driver play some Dua Lipa.

Sharon looked murderous, but in a sort of amused way. Alaska figured she was surprised at quite how horrific the date was turning out to be. It was quite a shock, really.

It quickly became apparent that the truck rally, however, was a pretty big mistake on Alaska’s part.

Unsurprisingly, it was just as terrible as she had planned it to be - floodlit, loud, dirty, and full of raucous drunk people thriving off destruction and chaos. They were perched on the edge of shaky metal benches, disgusted at the filth of the place.

“This… is disgusting.” Sharon almost seemed impressed. “I thought the food choice was bad, but the activity is so much worse.”

Alaska could barely hear her over the noise, but she nodded. “I told you I’m good.”

Sharon laughed and conceded. “Fuck. Something about this place feels very illegal, and I don’t even know why. I’m just going to ignore my surroundings.”

Behind them, a greasy-looking man wearing a beer-stained vest and sagging jeans clicked his tongue. “Hey, ma, shake that thing on over here. That’s right, I’m talkin’ to you, hot stuff. You look good in that pink.”

Sharon stiffened, and Alaska bit her lip. “I… forgot about the existence of gross men in a place like this.”

In spite of the comment, Sharon cracked a smile. “So caught up in the fun of humiliating me that you forgot about sexism. I love that. We should leave.”

“Fantastic idea.”

Luckily, there was a decent bar not too far from the site of their awful date, so they hastened away from the chaos of the rally as quickly as they could and made their way inside. Alaska reasoned that maybe a good bar would act as a little bit of a reprieve from the bad date and vile comment, and figured she could still ruin it tactfully by ordering the grossest drinks they had available. Straight tequila would do, probably.

“Can we get six shots of tequila? Thanks,” Alaska handed over the money and laughed at Sharon, who sat on the barstool and groaned exaggeratedly loud. “This is what happens when you lose the bet, Needles! Maybe you should be better next time.”

“I tried so hard!” Sharon defended herself, laughing. “I held the lead for at least three weeks in a row! Stupid fucking criminals working alone instead of together.”

When the shots arrived, Alaska barely had a chance to gloat about how horrible it was going to be before Sharon had downed her three, wincing but persisting nevertheless. Alaska quickly caught up, taken aback and tickled by how fast she had knocked them back.

“Listen,” Sharon giggled at Alaska’s stare, “I look dumb, I ate gross street food, went to a fucking monster truck rally and got catcalled. I need to get shitfaced, you succeeded. Your date is terrible.”

Alaska pumped her fist into the air. “Yes! Succeeded and the night is still young! Although I can’t help but feel like the catcalling was my fault because of the outfit, so I will offer a rare Alaska Thunder apology.”

Sharon smirked. “Oh, thanks, I appreciate that. I’d look better in a body bag.”

Checking her phone, Alaska saw that it was just coming up to around two in the morning. She ordered two double whiskeys and winked at Sharon. They still had plenty of time before she would call the date finished and let her go home.

Sharon could hold her alcohol incredibly well, Alaska discovered, but also that she became a heightened and twice as hilarious version of herself the more she drank. Or maybe Alaska just saw it that way, as she matched her drink for drink. She found herself doubled over, howling with laughter at something that one of them had said, with no idea what had been said or by who. 

They even danced a little, with drunk Alaska unashamed to show how terribly uncoordinated she was. Sharon was by no means an expert dancer, but drunk Alaska was more than a little open-mouthed and amazed at how close drunk Sharon danced against her. There was hardly space between them to breathe, and Alaska found it difficult to tear her eyes away from Sharon’s hips.

It wasn’t like it mattered anyway… finding someone physically attractive didn’t mean you liked liked them, or wanted to date them or have sex with them or engage in anything other than a friendly professional relationship with them… Jinkx was stupid. There was no such thing as ‘chemistry’ or anything like that. There was just Sharon, who looked good, and Alaska, who had drank a lot, and a dance floor and some loud music, and that was enough.

Alaska didn’t remember when they decided to leave the club, but at some point they had made the decision to. Her phone read four in the morning, not that she could really register that either. The ground was cold and a little bit stony - she looked down and saw she was walking barefoot, holding a pair of heels by their straps, and Sharon was wearing her flats. 

Perhaps she’d offered them to her. How kind.

Both girls stumbled down the street, presumably towards the Uber they had probably called that would be arriving in ten minutes or something along those lines. Alaska’s head was swimming, and a bubble of laughter escaped from her for no reason, triggering Sharon to do the same.

She was really kind of beautiful, in the darkness. But that sounded bad - Sharon was pretty in the daylight, and in the moonlight, and through the lens of drunk, smug Alaska. She had successfully created the worst date, and she’d had so much fun.

“This is so fucking fun…” Sharon slurred, wobbling as she clung to Alaska’s arm and laughed. “I’m counting the worms on the street. I’ve seen like five, and they’re all called Joe. They’re my sons now.”

“You’re a mother!” Alaska exclaimed. “How exciting for you! Congratulations!”

She almost tripped, grabbed onto Sharon for balance, and started howling with laughter. “Oooops, I might be a teensy bit drunk.”

“Good! So am I!” Sharon declared proudly. “I’m ha-having so much fun. This is definitely not the worst date ever. I’ve been- I’ve been on worser- more worse - badder dates than this. One time, this girl left me for her ex! At the table! Was fucking bad, Lask. But funny.”

Alaska gasped. “Aww, shit. You told me that! Now I gotta plan a w-worse date?”

Sharon smiled, her expression dopey. “I like hanging out with you! I’ve had so much fun tonight. Also, you’re waaaay pretty! Even though you’re a goof! A goofy goofball dummy head.”

“That’s me, baby!” Alaska puffed her chest out. “OH! I think that’s our car. It is! Let’s go, pretty pretty girl. You’re pretty too. Let’s gooooooo!”

-

No amount of alcohol was worth the raging headache that Alaska woke up with. Her memories were hazy but nevertheless still there, and as she tried to think back on the events of her night, her head spun. Where did Sharon end up?

The reluctant opening of her eyes soon solved that mystery. Alaska’s bedroom door was wide open, and if she squinted to try and focus her blurry vision, she made out the shape of Sharon’s body passed out asleep on her couch, one arm thrown up in the air and one leg stretched out. 

With a groan and an extreme amount of effort, Alaska shifted herself up and into the kitchen, overlooking the living room. She needed coffee and she needed it now. Thank god neither of them had work - there wasn’t a chance in hell that either of them would’ve been able to make it in.

“I feel like Satan’s asscrack right now.” Sharon’s voice came weakly from the couch. “I’m so tired.”

Alaska smiled, though Sharon couldn’t see her from where she was lying. “Coffee? I just brewed some… gonna fucking need it.”

“Oh, please. Black, no sugar, and toss in a Redbull if you got one. I need the caffeine more than I need a steady heart rate.”

Alaska poured the two drinks and brought them into the living room, the two of them laughing weakly at each other in their hungover, exhausted states. She handed over the mug and recalled how her drunken self had dwelled on Sharon being pretty as they walked together.

Sharon’s eyes were puffy and rimmed with smudged black makeup, her lipstick smeared across her cheek but mostly on her hand. Her hair was loose and stuck up wildly from the way she’d slept, not that she seemed to care. As she sipped her coffee, Alaska realised she must have offered her something to sleep in, as the offending pink dress had been discarded halfway across the room, and instead she wore an old Golden Girls t-shirt of Alaska’s. She looked a mess, as they both did. 

Alaska was sober, it was daylight, and she still thought Sharon looked beautiful.

Fuck. As much as Alaska hated the thought of it…. Jinkx might’ve been onto something.

-

Jinkx was onto something. 

Her case had suddenly had this amazing new lead, and within a day of hard field work, she had enlisted Alaska to join her for the arrest and taken down a guy she’d been hunting for months. It was obviously an amazing feeling, and as a celebration, she invited her friend over to spend the evening.

It soon became clear that Jinkx had an ulterior motive, because the questions began the moment that Alaska’s second glass of red wine had been refilled.

“So… no work talk tonight, we did a good job. How was your date?”

Alaska rolled her eyes and giggled, feeling relaxed in the comfort of Jinkx’s home. When she’d joined the force, she hadn’t expected to become such good friends with her colleagues, but Jinkx in particular had assumed the position of best friend in no time. Her home was slightly kooky and unusual, but the little touches of her personality made the whole place endearing and safe in Alaska’s eyes. In the soft lighting, a glass of wine down, she found herself more open to talk.

“I thought you said no work chat,” Alaska teased.

Jinkx coughed expectantly. “That wasn’t work and you know it. Spill, bitch.”

“Fine.” Alaska lazily sipped her wine. “I took her out and tried to embarrass her, succeeded, and we ended up having a really good night. Sharon’s pretty fun.”

“You could’ve stopped at pretty.”

Alaska laughed. “Are you sure it’s me you’re trying to imply liking her? You seem into her.”

“Har, har, har,” Jinkx shot Alaska a meaningful look, going as far as to push her glasses further down the bridge of her nose to make eye contact away from the lens. “She’s good looking, of course, but she’s not my type.”

“What makes you think she’s mine?”

Dangerous territory. Alaska still couldn’t shake the thoughts she had woken up sober with after their night out - that Sharon was pretty, even when she looked and felt like death. Sometimes, she’d walk into work in the morning and see that Sharon had tied her hair up or worn something different or just looked the same, and would internally note that she looked nice. It was like all of a sudden she couldn’t not notice her colleague’s appearance.

“The way you look at her.” Jinkx shrugged, matter-of-factly. “You have to admit there’s an element of attraction there.”

Alaska swallowed. She drank some more wine and thought for a moment - it wasn’t like she couldn’t trust Jinkx, but admitting it would feel so humiliating. Still, she supposed, there was a reason they called it liquid courage…

“To be honest, I feel like I’ve been looking at her differently since the date. Nothing happened, but I guess I’d never considered looking at her romantically before that. I mean, why would I?” She stared off into the distance, not quite wanting to look Jinkx in the eye. “She’s obviously pretty. It’s just that… I notice it now, you know? She’s this badass detective and that’s attractive, but then it’s like… she’s also this dork who likes dumb shit and it’s funny to me when she talks about it.”

Alaska’s gaze flickered over to Jinkx, who seemed to be masking her smugness in order to hide her judgement. Her face was so perfectly still that she burst into laughter, prompting Jinkx to do the same.

“I knew you liked her. You give her this look sometimes, I don’t think she ever notices it, but you smile with half of your mouth and then laugh at things she says. Almost subconsciously, I would say.” Jinkx wrinkled her nose and giggled. “I’m a love expert, just saying. I have a PhD in love.”

“You’re so full of shit.” Alaska deadpanned, and then spluttered into laughter. “I can’t keep a straight face. Look, I just… don’t know how to proceed with these new… observations, alright? I wouldn’t make a move on her, it’s not like she sees me the same way.”

Jinkx’s gaze somehow seemed wise, like an owl’s, and knowing. “I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“Wouldn’t be so sure?” Alaska repeated, confused.

Jinkx got up and started walking into the kitchen, her back to Alaska so she couldn’t read her expression. Dammit, social cues! Alaska was going to go crazy.

“Jinkx, wouldn’t be so sure?”

-

They texted a lot. Even sometimes at work, when they were only across the room from one another. Alaska would text something dumb that she knew would make Sharon laugh, and watch as she looked down at her desk and then smiled to herself, privately.

No one else got to see those smiles of hers. Just Alaska, who had caused them.