#sorry guys i only find the annoying type easy to write i dont do feelings either

[allbeendonebefore]

trying to write dialogue for bert is like herding cats he keeps dragging this comic out and im just trying to pry him off his scratching post it’s not sustainable UGH!!

[nanamishair]

girl. u better post that headcanon youve been talking about its basically rotting in your drafts

okay bitch

jjk men professing their love

this is purely my opinion of how i think they’d tell their liking to s/o!

characters: gojo satoru, nanami kento, itadori yuuji, fushiguro megumi, inumaki toge

warnings: these are just some cringe and cliche stuff, really just trying to clear my drafts hehe, also i have side comments and those maybe annoying im sorry ;-;, grammar errors and typos!

Gojo Satoru

We all know this man is confident so he’ll probably confidently and straightforwardly say to you he likes you

But one problem is you only took it as a way for his flirting

He thought that was easy but boy, he did not expect you won’t sincerely believe him

Now he keeps on thinking about how he’ll tell you he likes you without you thinking it was purely for flirting purposes

You both were just chilling peacefully somewhere and he just looks at you and admires you as you stared happily at your students

“Hey, I know I have said I like you. But I’m just going to say it again, I like you. For real.”

And finally, you did not take it as his way of flirting. Red cheeks covered your and Gojo’s cheeks

he’s hopeful you’d reciprocate his feelings but who wouldn’t be right >.> he’s just relieved that you finally felt sincere of his confession

He’s nervous on what you’ll reply but he’ll accept whatever you’ll finally say to his confession

Nanami Kento

First of all, I honestly think he won’t tell you he likes you because we all know this man wants to protect the people around him ;-;

But okay let’s say this man finally took the courage and chance to confess to you

I always think that he’ll confess at night, or some time when you both will part ways already like when he has brought you at the bus stop or your apartment

You know, that way after he confesses and he gets a reply from you (or not, he’ll probably give you time to think about it) he can already go home or sleep

“I have thought about this so much y/n and I really wanted to tell you that I like you so much.”

He may look so calm about it BUT HE’S SO NERVOUS AND HE STUTTERED ALOT OF TIMES, FOR REAL

He’d be cool with whatever you’d reply him!

You like him back? He’ll be relieved and happy about it

You don’t feel the same? He’ll still feel the same and would just maintain the friendship you both have

Itadori Yuuji

I think Yuuji is the type to not know he likes you until someone teases him for that

He’ll spend more time with you to confirm that he likes you, he doesn’t want to confess to you just because his friends tease him UwU

But okay, Yuuji is a sweet boy and I headcanon that he’ll buy flowers or chocolates to give you on the day he’ll confess

I don’t know why but I think he’s actually chill about confessing!

Like he’ll give you the chocolate and confess

“You know, I really enjoy being with you. I thought about it and I do confirm that I like you.”

He flashes that signature smile of him ;’)

Both of your cheeks be on the red hue and he’s just there standing, waiting for your reply

Just like Nanami, he’d be completely fine with whatever you’d reply to his confession hihi

If you do reject him and he notices you feel kind of awkward with him, he’ll try to get you at ease coz he still wants you by his side even as his friend only UwU

Fushiguro Megumi

This guy keeps on stealing glances at you as if he’d be able to tell you he likes you in that way

He’s encouraged by Yuuji and teased by Gojo (Gojo would probably ask Megumi if he wants to set you up with him somewhere but megumi just screams no)

I do feel like he’ll just say it on the spot when he feels like it is the best time for both of you, something like a very chill day

But the words just won’t come out, his mouth be opening and closing like 0.0 0o0 0.0 0o0

You’d notice this and ask him if he was fine, and instead of answering your question, he’d confess

“I like you y/n. a lot.”

Okay he’d curse mentally because that wasn’t what he imagined he’d tell you, he was hoping he could also tell you about your smiles and laughs that makes his heart go fast (not to mention that he stuttered just from that short sentence)

Anyway, what’s done is done that’s what he tells himself after confessing to you, now he’s just waiting for what you’d reply

He’s fine with whatever you’ll reply too! (but i feel like he’ll cry at his room when you reject him ;-; )

Inumaki Toge

Cutie boy be stressed how to tell you he likes you because of his cursed speech

But he decides on a handwritten letter and maybe he’d give you your favorite rice ball (im a sucker for handwritten letters and rice balls)

He wasted a lot of paper coz he wants it perfect because its the best way he could relay his feelings to you UwU

He’ll give the letter to you on a day he’s sure you’re in a great mood

His hand is shaking while handing you the letter and the rice ball, he’s trying to stop the shaking but it makes his hand shake more (protect him please)

He looks at you nervously as he watches you read his short letter

“Hello! I don’t how many papers I have wasted already just to write you this. but here it goes. Y/n, I like you so much. My heart flutters whenever I see you, no enough rice balls can express how much i like you. Hope this letter and rice ball finds a way into your heart.”

He’s cheesy but that’s what makes it so cute and special please UwU

He also wrote in the letter a specially made ingredient for you which is equivalent to i like you, so he can verbally tell you too that he likes you and maybe later on, the ingredient will also be equivalent to i love you if things go well! 🥺 (protect!!!)

This boy is so hopeful that you’d reciprocate his feelings (you do not have an option to reject him period jk)

He’s happy and will hug you immediately when you reciprocate his feelings

But if you do reject him, he’ll force an eye smile and go straight to panda and cry (i said u dont have an option to reject him¡!¡ jk)

[lvlywook]

⭒ENHYPEN reaction⭒

to: you speaking your mother tongue (native language?)

tags: boyfriend!enhypen, gn!reader

tw: none

so i finally decided to post again lol

i hope you like it!

everything is under the cut!

h e e s e u n g

being away from home and family is never easy

and heeseung understands that

so when he walks into his bedroom and hears you talking to your parent on the phone in a language he doesn't understand

he just kind of stands in the doorway and listens since he doesn't want to interrupt anything

heart eyes

this man is so WHIPPED

and he'd listen in and hear you get really excited about something and he'd get all smiley and excited too even if he doesn't understand what you're saying :(

cause he's happy if you're happy

i feel like he'd want you to teach him something

like how to say a word that he just randomly thought of

"cupcake, how do you say 'marshmallow' in (your language)?"

overall i dont think he'd make a big deal out of it or anything

he'd be really nice and respectful

would clown you if something went wrong and you started cursing in your language tho

even if it was the smallest thing ever

omg he'd probably get the other members involved too

so they'd all be clowning you together lmao

and they just won't stop even if it's already been WEEKS

hee would also be the type to look at you and randomly say one of the few words you taught him - like literally out of nowhere

and now i feel sad haha

someone get me a heeseung pls

j a y

it was his first time meeting your family

let's say your family speaks only a bit of english and no korean so it's not easy for jay and them to communicate

and you kind of have to become a translator

like you might as well change your name to google translate lol

anyway

so lik the two of you arrive at your family's house and they let you in

and they're like "honey!! it's so nice to finally meet your boyfriend!" in your native language right

and jay's there just like: I'm gonna pretend like i understood everything you just said ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ

and then you translate

and he's like ( ꈍᴗꈍ)💅 yep that's me

and for the rest of the night you're translating what everyone is saying

then you get home and it's really late

but you had a good time and it seems like your family really likes jay

so you're happy

after a movie and a cuddle session on the couch you both get ready for bed and go to sleep

and after just laying there for 15 minutes in silence jay starts poking your side

so you're like wHAT

and he goes: can you help me learn (your language)?🥺 i wanna surprise your parents the next time I see them🥺🥺

that's it

imma just leave it at that

this boy has my heart

and if i continued any further i probably wouldn't even get to the other members lol

watch me write your whole entire life with jay just in this one post... I'm not okay

j a k e

you were on a videocall with your cousin/friend/someone

just talking about how everything is going for you and how you are and stuff

and then you remember you didn't tell them about your bf

??? how

jakey is like the perfect boyfriend

how could you forget to show him off to them??

so you're like "you know I have a boyfriend right?"

and they're like "really????? didn't think anyone would actually want to deal with you :P"

but then they get excited and really wanna see who you're with

so you call jake over to meet them

and then you become the translator (again rip)

even with the language barrier they still get along really well

or if your first language is english then you don't have to be the translator i guess

no matter what they just kinda get along well

but in that second scenario the rest of jake's part doesn't apply (rip)

im sorry ://

back to jakey and the call

after the call ends jake gently places his head on your shoulder and goes:

"i think your native language is really nice"

"do you think I'd do good if I tried learning it?"

so you're like of "course you would, like dUh brO you like physics..learning a language will be like easy for u since you're so smart :D"

and he'd seriously like, STUDY it

and you're just so proud of him

also it wouldn't be him if the first phrase he learned wasn't 'i love you' or 'can i get a kiss?'

so this boy now goes 'i love you so much' in your native language every time he sees you :(

s u n g h o o n

your relationship with sunghoon is still pretty new

let's say you've been dating for like 2 months

and you haven't really told your family yet

and one day you're on a videocall with one of your family members

and he slept over at your place

you're sitting in the living room after you've made breakfast

and you and that family member are on a videocall

and while that's going on sunghoon wakes up in your bedroom

and he's like ???

where r u

so he quickly does a bit of a morning routine

and goes to find you

and accidentally walks into the frame of your camera

so your family member just saw a random guy just emerge from your bedroom

and they're like ? who's that behind you

so you're like ??? there's noone behind me?? and you turn around and get startled since sunghoon is just standing by the door to your bedroom

he's like:🕴️

you fall off the couch and sunghoon's like "baby, are you okay???"

and he's trying to help you up

and your family member saw that mess unfold lol

after sunghoon checks up on you and the both of you sit down your family member asks a million questions and refuses to let sunghoon go out of frame for even a second

so sunghoon sits through the rest of the call next to you on the couch while you're answering all these questions your family member is asking

and he doesn't understand anything

after the call ends he probably walks back to your bedroom and falls asleep again since the encounter with your family member completely drained him of energy

since we know this boy's an introvert

and introverts have to recharge after being social and engaging with people

also the whole entire situation probably shook with him a lil

after he wakes up again he walks into the kitchen where you are and hugs you from behind

and then he softly asks "do you think you could maybe teach me a few words in your language?👉👈"

and of course you can't say no

who could say no to sunghoon???

so you help him learn some words

and the next time you facetime your family this boi is ready to impress them with his speaking skills😌

s u n o o

you and the other enhypen members were eating dinner together at their dorms

hee decided to make ramyeon and so the other members and you decided to help him and make some for yourselves

but sunoo was in their 'make-up room' doing his skincare routine (so you took it upon yourself to make one for him too)

after you set the noodles to cook your phone started going off

so jay and hee decided to compete and see who'd get to the phone first (since it was in the living room)

and so they ran to get it

knocking a lot of stuff over in the process

and scaring jake who went to the bathroom earlier

then jay (who was leading btw) tripped over a random bag on the floor and hee then tripped over him

when they got back to the kitchen they were a lil bruised up so you decided to take care of them first and just let the call go through

they both had some light bruises and jay somehow managed to also get a few scratches

so he was bleeding a bit

he was being extra

"pPalLi hElP jiGeUm riGht nOw okay???"

(i swear i love jay with all my heart im not trying to make him seem like he's annoying or anything)

you had to save him :')

so you got a few bandaids and patched them both up a bit

after that you went to the living room to call back to whoever was calling you in peace since everyone was busy in the kitchen

it was one of your childhood friends

you called them and they started nagging you for not picking up and scaring them

and right in that moment sunoo came out of the 'make-up room' and went into the living room where he left his bag when he got back from practice (the same bag that caused jay to trip lol)

and he heard you and your friend pretty much yelling at each other and bickering through the phone

and he got curious

so he walked up to you and was like

"who are you taking to?(✿^‿^)"

and the friend on the other line heard him and was like

"YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND??!?!"

so for the next 30 minutes or so they made you explain everything to them

and they were extra nosy

so you were taking about how you met, what your relationship is like, his friends, what he's like,

and other things

while sunoo was sitting next to you

looking up at you with so much love and adoration in his eyes even though he couldn't understand a single word you said

after you and your friend said bye and hung up he was like

"you're so amazing o((*^▽^*))o"

i don't think he'd make you teach him any words

apart from 'i love you' or 'i'm cute' or smth

he's just really happy to have someone like you no matter how many languages you speak so he's just gonna adore you for a bit and then start teasing you like he usually does ;)))

he WILL mention any time he speaks about you tho

'OH did you know my partner speaks (your native language)? ^-^'

j u n g w o n

you decided you wanted to visit your family

since you've been living in korea and felt really homesick :(( (at least for the sake of this scenario lol)

and since they live outside of korea you and jungwon had to separate for a while (he couldn't go with you since he has schedules and stuff ://)

I have a feeling he's a pretty clingy baby (or he'd miss you a lot at least - maybe not clingy physically but like emotionally?? he just needs you by his side lol)

so he'd demand you call everyday

and one day you were in your old bedroom, just laying on the bed and calling jungwon

when your parent/family member came into your room to inform you that dinner is ready or smth

and they saw you were calling someone and were like

who are you calling??? (since you didn't tell them about jungwon yet they couldn't really guess it was him or anything)

and well, you just didn't mention anything about having a boyfriend at all

you're there like uhhh can I tell them?? should I tell them??

and you do

which sparks a conversation about him

while you're still calling WITH him

so for like 15 minutes you're talking to that family member while jungwon just listens

and while that's happening his thought process is like..

'how did I get so lucky'

'i like that language'

'they sound so cool'

'oh shoot they said my name???'

'what's happening?'

'what are they walking about??'

'????'

'hurry up and talk to me now'

'hey >:('

'I'm the one you're calling :('

'but take your time i guess..'

'damn i miss them a lot'

'i need hugs :('

and then you get back to him and he asks you to translate everything you said

so you do

and he's just

so

damn

whipped

for u

like even more than ever before

he might ask how to introduce yourself in your language or smth and will not ask you about anything ever again

until you find out he's been secretly learning your language

so that he can surprise you :(((

and potentially your family once he gets to meet them :((((

n i - k i

let's say it's right after enhypen had a comeback right

so they have a few days off before they start working on some new projects and stuff and ni-ki somehow managed to get sick

even though you, the members, and the staff were making sure he was taking care of himself

so you're just hanging around the dorms

helping the members around the house and checking up on ni-ki from time to time

at this specific moment you were cooking dinner with jay

so you kind of just left your phone with ni-ki in their bedroom (where he's resting)

and you got a call from one of your friends or smth (maybe like your roommate??)

so ni-ki called you to let you know

and he was like: „Y/NNNNNN!!!!"

you're obviously concerned like ??? what's wrong?? is everything okay??? is ni-ki okay??? my child why are you yelling so much???

and you bolt from the kitchen to the bedroom

and when you run through the door

you stub your toe on a dresser or something

and you start cursing in your language

and ni-ki hears it all

and even though you're in pain

he can't stop laughing

cause he's kinda evil >:)

then after he stops laughing at you he's like: are you okay? ://

and you are eventually

fortunately no toes were broken that day

then he asks you what you were saying

and if you could teach him all those words

so you're like should i? should i not? and you eventually do (bad idea lol)

let's just say you got a beating from all his hyungs after he wouldn't stop cursing in your language

but it did take them a while to find out what all those words ni-ki is saying mean

so this child would probably teach them these words for fun

and would tell them that it means like 'i love you' and 'have a great day' or smth

but he would always laugh whenever they said any of them

and it was somewhat suspicious

which resulted in jungwon searching it up

and nearly then he nearly beat you with a pan later

you should feel lucky you're alive lol

hee and jay probably found it funny tho

[tommybaholland]

Hiya! I was wondering if I could request a one-shot with Sugawara where the reader is his best friend and secretly loves him but he doesn’t know? Then maybe another person catches his attention and the reader starts to distance themselves from Suga to try to spare themselves the hurt? Then maybe turns out the other person was just using Suga/wasn’t serious bout him and he realizes that the person he really loves is the reader but now they’re staying away from him and just angst and fluff and dramatic confessions?? Sorry if it’s far too much detail, I get carried away. Your writing is amazing, keep up the fantastic work!

somebody, some body

featuring: sugawara 

goddddd i’m so sorry i am late with a post AGAIN. this has been way overdue to be posted actually, and last night i finished it and was almost done with editing but accidentally lost everything i added and edited in the draft :// so thank you for being patient with me! this ended up being pretty long, so hopefully that makes up for the wait :) anyway, i really liked this idea! i have a little personal experience with this kind of situation, so it was fun to explore those feelings a bit. thanks for requesting and enjoy!

you didn’t always know that you would be in love with koshi sugawara. your dynamic was always friendly, and nothing more. so where did you go wrong?

when you think back to your history with suga, you could never find yourself resenting any time you spent with him. it all started when you moved into his neighborhood and as a shy child, you didn’t have the easiest time making friends. but he was a kind boy who was around your age and made it easy for you to form a bond with him. after all those years, neither one of you had changed that much. you were still reserved at heart but, he was the one who pushed you to things that you both could enjoy. 

one is joining the high school volleyball club together. you weren’t usually one to go outside of your comfort zone, but with him, you felt like you could do anything. he had you fuel your enthusiasm and you had him to thank for that. volleyball ended up being a great idea because it was quite a versatile sport that anyone could play. you found that you were quite athletic and took a liking to the libero position. there was just something exciting about digging a ball off the ground and rolling on the floor to get back up again. also, it looked pretty cool. 

so that was great until you hurt your shoulder during a game, which ended up being more severe than it seemed. now you couldn’t lift your left arm very far over your head unless you wanted to dislocate your shoulder again. it was already a tough recovery period because all you wanted to do was get back to the game. 

he was there with you for the entirety of it and even though he mostly encouraged you, he had to make sure you knew you wouldn’t do anything to hurt yourself. you felt helpless. it was the lowest he had ever seen you and he did everything he could to lift you back up again.

that was something you could never take for granted with him. 

the thing about you and suga is that you were in constant contact, especially during school. if it wasn’t sending each other funny memes or tiktoks, you were either on snapchat with each other or texting. sometimes simultaneously. 

are you alive?? 

yeah i’m awake, unfortunately

what do u want sugar-wara 

whoa how are you up this early lol and sugar is my thing ok

let’s go get sweet buns before class

ur right, it is ur thing. ur sugar-wara

okay i’ll meet you by the light in 15 

there was a lonely intersection in your neighborhood with a red stoplight that seems to have malfunctioned and now the light never stops blinking. you and suga lived on the same street, with the intersection being a perfect place to literally meet in the middle. 

“hey, sugar-- uh oh. someone doesn’t look so sweet today!”

he was always so peppy in the mornings. 

“yeah, well, maybe if someone didn’t wake me up with their annoying texts..”

“if you really don’t want to be woken up, you’d put your phone on do not disturb. you can thank me later for being your alarm clock.” 

he gave you a bright smile and a few head pats before you set off down the road to your favorite bakery which happened to be on the way to school. you didn’t go every morning, but most days it was necessary for you to start your day off right. 

“how’s the team looking this year, mr. vice captain?”

“pretty good, actually! four first years joined the team and one of them’s over six feet tall. our blocks will be unstoppable!”

 there were several things you loved about suga but, if there was one thing you enjoyed most, it was hearing him get psyched about volleyball. even though you couldn’t play anymore, his undying enthusiasm for the sport made you feel like you were living through him vicariously. 

“and there’s one who’s on the shorter side, only a little taller than noya. but he seems to have so much energy and drive, it’s just-- i don’t know, i have a feeling we could actually make it to nationals this year.” 

“wow, that’s great!” 

“you should come to practice and see them! also we just got asahi back so i need to make sure my sets really land.” 

“kou, you know i love watching you guys but isn’t that what kiyoko’s there for?”

“well, yeah, but you know how i play best!”

“yeah, sure. it’s not like i have anything better to do.” 

“you never let me down!” 

 his smile never let you down. 

it was your senior year of high school and it felt like things were going to be nothing but great.

“so...speaking of you knowing me best,” he started rather hesitantly.

“what would you do if i...made you dinner?”

“i...what?”

“oh, uh, oh, no. not, like, i make you dinner but, like...rei finally agreed to come around tonight and i thought i’d make something for them.”

“oh, um,” you tried to force a smile. “yeah, i think they’d like that.”

“yeah? you don’t think it’s too cheesy or anything? we haven’t hung out very much but i’d thought it would be a nice way to show them that i mean what i feel, you know?”

“yeah, yeah! that sounds perfect, kou..”

if only they knew that they were so lucky. 

you knew about this person, rei. they were your teammate and even a friend at one time. they transferred to karasuno during your second year and you bonded over your shared interest of the libero position. they didn’t get to play much that season until you got injured and had to quit playing. 

to see them fill that position so easily, it made you feel so type of way. a way that suga couldn’t know because even though he was there for you, he couldn’t deny his feelings. you remember when he told you that he liked them. about how he’s liked them ever since they came to karasuno and about how he was nervous to talk to them. 

and guess what?

you encouraged him. you encouraged him to try to pursue someone who you knew and liked, so now you had to hide that you were envious of both their position on the team AND the fact that your best friend is in love with them. 

at first, you tried to look at it as a positive point. you were still friendly with them, but volleyball was the only thing that connected you so you didn’t talk to them that much anymore. but now that suga, the person you’re closest to, was talking to them, it opened up the possibility that you would be able to reconnect with them. you had to be supportive. you were his friend, his closest friend, after all. 

-

the next morning you didn’t wake up from a text from suga. no, it took several snooze buttons to wake you up, which already put you in a bad mood. 

it’s ur turn now. are u alive??

i actually woke up to my alarms, how weird. u must be dead lol 

also have you done the english assignment yet? i need serious help >_<

you weren’t afraid to double, triple, even quadruple text him because more often than not, he did that to you. sometimes he’d even send longish paragraphs as he did later that day when classes had already started. 

hey sorry today has just been filled with fun and thriving and good stuff! rei asked me if i wanted to meet up with them before school last night and they made me some sweet buns and they were soooo good. i think we’re going to eat lunch together with some of their friends from vbc. ugh english sucks for me too. idk why you think i’m good at it

you almost jumped at the gesture to reply. it was never this long that he would go without text you at least one dumb thing. 

haha it’s okay don’t be sorry! so i guess last night went well?

also ur great at english sugar-wara what r u talking about??

it surprised you how quickly they seemed to become so friendly. it was kinda weird that he would already be spending a lot of time with her and now meeting all her friends. he probably already knew of them though, with volleyball and everything. the thoughts of how long you would have to wait for a reply crept in your mind, but that was quickly erased by an elapsed period of only a few minutes. 

yeah it went great! they had never had someone cook for them before, so they really liked it. this morning they told me they’d show me how to make fried eggs bc i said i dont know how to use a stove lol 

wait you made a whole meal for this person and u don’t know how to use the stove??

i used a crockpot and microwave ok :// don’t make fun of me dingus 

well a stove would definitely broaden ur horizons lmao that’s nice it went well though 

thank you i hope its going well 

that conversation was truly the end of the beginning. 

Every day after that seemed to happen the same way. you’d wake up, no text from suga. he hadn’t even replied to what you last said the previous night. you didn’t see him much either, but you knew who he was with probably. you would still stop by at volleyball practice where you did get to see him but they were there also. so you found yourself dipping out a lot more. 

it just felt weird. seeing him talk to someone he didn’t even know before. they didn’t even know him. even when you two were on the team together, they never once showed much interest in him and now it just seemed strange that they would. 

the transition was particularly difficult for you, as much as you didn’t want to admit it. one night you were so overwhelmed with work because you had waited too long to do it. frantically texting suga was an understatement. 

you knew you couldn’t put all your reliance on him but it was weird that he wasn’t replying on a school night as he was just as much a procrastinator as you. you dragged yourself through the night, trying to put together a somewhat coherent speech for english the next day. which, again, started as it had for the past few weeks. you still hadn’t heard from him, but it doesn’t even matter anymore. by the time he replied, it was almost embarrassing on your part. 

oh my god y/n i’m so sorry i didn’t reply sooner. i tried to get all my work done early so i could hang out with rei last night and i was asking my mom for advice and she told me to just pay attention to them as much as possible so i just wanted to be with them, you know? but i really hope you didn’t beat yourself up too much about it and that you got at least a little sleep. i’m sure your speech went well :) 

you sounded desperate for his help and meanwhile, he’s genuinely trying to show someone how much they mean to him. could you look any more stupid? 

you didn’t even want to reply but you felt like you had to. 

no don’t be sorry koshi! if anything i’m sorry i was just super frustrated in the moment and didn’t know what to do. i managed to pull something halfway decent together i think so it’s all okay now 

was it okay though? 

that was when you realized that things would never be the same. you’re his best friend and that’s simply it. you mean something to him, but not the same something that they mean to him. you couldn’t go to him when you help because then you’d be taking his time away from someone who wanted to feel that special meaning. it was a hard pill to swallow, for sure. but there were still several questions that lingered in the potential of what your relationship could be.

isn’t it possible to be both a best friend and a partner at the same time? you didn’t see any problem with it, so why couldn’t it be true? 

-

two weeks past and suga, your best friend, decided to let you in on some news. 

going up against all these powerhouse schools is definitely tough but it’ll help our team in the long run. we’re really amped to play seijoh soon but also i have an s/o now who can come and cheer us on 

WAIT you guys made it official?? when?

haha we’ve been official for like two weeks now 

oh well that’s great! 

(what the actual hell.)

months went by and you saw suga maybe two or three times. and only saw him, usually with the rest of the volleyball team or with rei and their friends. you texted now and then but it wasn’t the same. you had to accept that it wouldn’t be the same, so you did. you had a good group of friends who you spent more of your time with, as well as trying to focus as much as possible on school. entrance exams were coming up and you couldn’t let this be your downfall, even though you and suga had previously talked about possibly going to the same college together. but that wasn’t important anymore. 

you had your priorities and suga had his. 

which was the biggest reason why you decided not to go to the game against aoba johsai. you told him that you would try to make it, if schoolwork and college prep courses would lend you the chance. you were just trying to focus on yourself and work hard in on your own. you still texted him just to show that you still cared. 

sorry i couldn’t make it to the game! how did it go?

we lost :’(( we were so close too 

oh no :( i’m sorry kou. but i know you guys will get them next time!

he never replied, which only made you want to grow further from him. 

summer vacation rolled around and it was about a month out from suga’s birthday. a strange text appeared from someone you didn’t expect. 

Hey so I wanted to get manga for suga for his bday but I cannot for the life of me remember which ones he has so can you try to casually ask him which ones he has? like the next time you guys talk about manga or something?

you felt weird that they were asking for your help, considering that they now spent more time with him than you did. but you weren’t going to completely ignore them either.

to be honest we haven’t talked a whole lot lately but i’ll try to subtly ask him 

Okay awesome thanks!

what were you thinking of getting him?

Deathnote lol nothing original

hmm maybe the new aot volume? 

Yeah, that’s a good one. Or maybe BNHA

yeah that too! do you still want me to ask him? 

Yeah could you? 

yeah sure!

Yay thanks! 

okay i’ll let you know what i find out

going through with this was even worse. if it were you, you’d take him to see his favorite artist in concert. he wasn’t never much of a concert guy but he would talk about how badly he wanted to go see them live. or a more lowkey and personal option would be to customize a crewneck for him. you had a knack for designing and decorating plain-looking clothes and he would try to do it himself but would always remark how much better yours always turned out. 

but this time you’re simply the messenger and wouldn’t get that chance to get him something you know he’d love. not that he wouldn’t like manga, but it just seemed like they weren’t putting a ton of thought into it. maybe you couldn’t blame them though, it had only been a few months that they had been dating. 

that conversation honestly seemed more out-of-the-blue than anything, but you were hoping that suga would be as oblivious as ever. it didn’t even matter in the end because he never even answered your subtle way of asking. you didn’t feel like double texting because a.) you hadn’t done that in months and b.) it seemed too obvious. 

in the end, you did all that you could do and told rei that you had no information to provide, even after a week had passed. that was your, now monthly, interaction with suga that month. 

but it wasn’t like you weren’t thinking about him. 

your interactions moved from text to strictly snapchat, where you would hold streaks for considerable amounts of time. but every time you seemed to break contact with him, you found yourself blaming them. but you couldn’t blame them. they were with him, dating him. they had a right to claim a spot by his side. you had learned to pull back and just live your life. 

but life didn’t want you to have a great time either. albeit through a simple app like snapchat, he was the one asking you if you were okay. at this point, you would probably just deflect but somehow, you found yourself telling him about how you didn’t do so well on your entrance exams, despite having done what you could to prepare for them. you just thought you were so focused to do well, but maybe it was too much focus. you told him it would be alright. another notification came through.

snapchat from sugar wara  

you opened it to a selfie of him, one that was angled upwards to position him looking right up into the camera, his wide hazel eyes being the centerpiece of the photo. the caption simply said, “promise?”

and that was when it happened. you felt something different in your heart like it was knocked around in your chest. you smiled at the simple response and replied, “yeah i promise!!” 

it felt strange, but you finally admitted it, 

you were in love with koshi sugawara. 

timing was, without a doubt, a demise in all of your previous relationship endeavors. you could never seem to get that part right, also coming in too fast or not knowing if you should wait. you had only hoped that someone you liked would like you just as much. so catching feelings for someone, strong feelings at that, was not part of your current life plans. let alone with suga, someone you were, at one point, extremely close to. 

you know so much about him and what scared you was that your confession would be the only one that could mess up whatever relationship you had left with him. why couldn’t you just enjoy where you stood with him? why should your selfish feeling have to get in the way? 

stupid was an understatement as you how you felt. he was still dating rei, and that didn’t look like it was going to end anytime soon. you didn’t know what to do or how to cope. you can fight your feelings, but they can’t change right away. and for as long as you’ve known suga, the history you’ve shared with him, it seemed like these feelings weren’t leaving anytime soon. 

you spent the next couple of weeks trying to get everything out, while simultaneously trying to forget. you vented about it to your friends and while most of them offered advice, you stuck with just remaining stagnant. one of them suggested that you confess to him but that was what you feared most: that your feeling would become so overwhelming that you had to do something impulsive to relieve them. he would probably never talk to you again. there was nothing you could do. he was in a relationship with someone he really likes. why would you try to ruin that for him? 

you didn’t go to any of the preliminaries, mostly because of prep courses and trying to prepare for the next round of entrance exams. you still kept up with suga and saw that they won in the game against seijoh and we now going to the finals against shiratorizawa. you swiped up on his story and typed a simple, “omg that's amazing!! see I knew you guys could do it.” you continue to scroll through your phone, not thinking that much about it until a notification popped up.

sugar wara is typing…

snapchat from sugar wara

yeah it was great! Wish you could have been here though :(

me too! college prep courses seem to have been taking up all my time :P

is there any chance that you could try to find time to come to finals? 

we've been trying to get all the support that we can

plus it would be nice to see a familiar face there :) 

yeah i'll see what i can do to try to be there!

 wymd a familiar face? hasn't rei been going to the prelims?

they have been but we actually broke up about two weeks ago

i sort of initiated it but i promise it's okay

your eyes almost fell out of your head when you read that 2 weeks ago you were talking about how you were in love with him and were and decided to accept that it wasn't going to happen. now you're hearing that at the same time they had broken up? It seemed odd and... bittersweet. 

oh no i'm sorry kou :(

you bit your lip as you couldn't help but ask.

wdym you initiated it tho?

so kageyama has been killing it as our setter especially with his quick attack move with hinata 

rei was worried that i wasn't being treated fairly bc i'm a senior and vice-captain and all that. i tried to reassure them that i just want to see our team thrive and go to nationals but they still were worried about it and would talk about how they would go to games and never see me play once

it's been hard especially that it happened right before the seijoh game and now before finals

yeah i'm sure it's been difficult 

but don't beat yourself don't blame yourself so much! the team needs your support just as much as it needs players. nobody could replace that :)

thanks y/n :) i appreciate you so much

although you thought you would be happy, you can’t help but still feel weird about this whole thing. you felt like the ball was in your court but your bum arm couldn’t receive it properly. your feelings for him had been strong and you felt like you had to pack them all the way so now it just felt wrong to let them flow out again. but now that there was no conflict of interest, did you have to hide your feelings? 

it was more complicated than it was before. you didn't know how anything was going to play out at all and that kinda scared you. you did know one thing though, and that was how to be a loyal friend to suga because that's all you ever were from the start and that's what you could and would be for the future.

-

it was the friday before the finals game. 

you decided to stay late after school to maximize your focus on studying. it seemed to have worked because the sun was going down before you knew it. you wanted to get ahead on work so you could go to the game tomorrow. you and suga had been talking more recently and while it wasn’t as much as it used to be, it was more than it had been in the past several months. 

you quickly gathered up your things and left school for the night. the pretty orange and pink sky lit your way home through the quiet town and into the residential parts. at that point, the dark had met and light and-

“y/n! hey, wait!”

you turned to see none other than suga, jogging up behind you to catch up. you smiled at his sudden presence, looking past him to see the small group of the rest of the team. 

“hey! funny seeing you here.”

“yeah, haha,” he chuckled, catching his breath from suddenly running a considerable distance. “are you going home?”

“yeah.”

“can i walk with you?”

“of course.”

great! so i’m guessing you stayed late at school? you’re still wearing your uniform.”

“oh, yeah,” you affirmed, looking down at your monotonous outfit. “i just wanted to be all caught up on work and studying so i could go to the game tomorrow.”

“oh, yeah? that’s good to hear! yeah, we were-- we just had a late practice. coach left before us but we wanted to stay a little longer.”

“i hope you guys win tomorrow, it seems like you’ve been working really hard.”

“yeah, i hope so too. we’ve come a long way in such a short amount of time, it just feels like we can’t stop now.” 

you nodded in agreement. there was a beat of silence just then, and while it wasn’t awkward, it felt like something was lingering in the air.

“so, um,” he spoke up after several seconds. his eyes met yours and you felt that pang in your chest again, quickly looking away. “it’s been a while, huh?”

“yeah. yeah, it has, i guess,” you laughed lightly. you reached the intersection with the never-ending blinking stoplight and you turned around to face him.

“but i guess i’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“yeah. yeah!”

“okay, get some sleep. goodnight.”

he nodded and you grinned at him before turning around to walk the rest of the way home until his voice stopped you again.

“hey, y/n?”

“yeah, kou?”

he looked down and all around, anywhere but your face.

“i, um, i know things have been kinda weird between for a while but it’s made me realize that i missed you, a lot.”

“yeah, i missed you, too.”

“but it’s also made me realize that i enjoy spending time with you and talking to you. like, even now, just talking to you makes me feel-- i don’t know. it makes me feel at ease like i’m home. and i’d really like to spend more time with you because i, um, i really like you.”

“you, you what?”

“i really like you, sugar.”

in all the ways you had imagined this happening, you never thought that you would feel your face fall to a frown, your heart beating in your ears. something just didn’t sit right with you about it.

“i, i, i don’t know what to say...”

“it’s okay if you don’t! i just wanted to tell you.”

“but why are you telling me this now?”

“do you-- do you not feel the same?”

“no. no! i’ve been wanting to hear you say something like that for so long, it’s just. you broke up with rei not too long ago and-- i don’t know. something isn’t right about it.” you shook your head, unsure of what you were trying to say.

“it’s how i feel,” he shrugged. “i just wanted to tell you and have a good feeling to hold onto to make tomorrow a little easier.”

you looked at him in disbelief.

“oh, so you think you can confess all that to me right before this big game and that i’ll automatically reciprocate those feelings when you just broke up with someone not even a month ago? i’m not a second choice--”

“no, sugar, listen, that’s not how i meant it at all--”

“no sugawara.” those words made him go quiet instantly. you never used his full name, there was always some sort of play on it, so this was serious. 

“maybe that’s not how you meant it, but that’s how i’m taking it. i’ve been wanting to tell you for so long how i felt but i wanted to respect your feelings so i didn’t. so please, respect mine. i’m not the good luck charm that you can just confess to and expect that it’ll all be okay. this just isn’t right. i’m sorry, koshi. 

your voice broke as his name left your lips, tears beginning to fall. you didn’t even give him a chance to respond, a rush of adrenaline telling you to quickly turn and get out of there. 

-

you didn’t get much sleep that night. 

it was hard not to think about your conflicted feelings over suga’s confession. you had hoped for that moment for a long time but the timing simply wasn’t right. how funny and ironic is that? you thought your timing was off. maybe you were meant for each other in that way. you couldn’t help but let your feelings get the best of you and you were beginning to become what you feared most from him. you thought he would immediately reject you and make you feel bad about ever saying anything about how you felt. but the roles are reversed and that was the part that blindsided you the most. 

you didn’t think that how you reacted was wrong but you also couldn’t imagine how he was feeling right now. he just wanted to feel good right before a big game but that backfired right in his face. some might call it karma, but part of you thought he didn’t deserve it. 

the pressure was setting in as the game went into the fifth and final set. what made it worse was kageyama wouldn’t be starting that set, his nose bleeding from the spike he took to the face. suga was genuinely thrilled to be a teacher, a mentor, and a support system for his fellow teammates. he didn’t mind that another, rather talented, setter had joined the team because that meant he wouldn’t have to worry about passing the position over to someone who he thought didn’t deserve it. 

he almost forgot he was actually a player on the team when everyone looked to him to fill in. this was his moment and it just happened to be at the most overwhelming part of this game. Both teams were tired while simultaneously running on pure adrenaline to see who was going to come out on top. 

suga had an opportunity, not only to start the set but be the trailblazer for their success. 

the nerves set in as he held up the paddle with the number nine on it, kageyama holding it up with him for a moment. It was symbolic in a way. suga always thought he’d be passing the baton to him, his successor as karasuno’s official setter, but this felt just as sentimental. Suga hadn’t played much this season but he got to watch the team grow into something that it once was: something great. They’ve had their share of loss and strife but it finally seemed like they had come so far and the only direction they can go is up. 

the nerves set in as he looked around, anywhere to ease them. His eyes automatically went to the team banner, black with the simple word ‘fly’ written over it, where all the school and their supporters were watching. he went down the line quickly but the wave of a hand caught his eye. his eyes shifted back and felt that familiar grin on him.

it was you. 

“c’mon suga! You can do it!”

and so he did. 

once the final ball hit the ground, the room was quiet with shock. it had been tight for most of the game but no one really expected this outcome. they were going to nationals. daichi, suga, and asahi embraced, taking in the satisfying feeling of victory. 

after the awards ceremony, you were buzzing with excitement for them, trying to calmly follow the rest of the crowd out of the gym. you could tell they were somewhere along the hallway as another crowd formed to congratulate the winning team. you weaved in and out of it, even getting on your toes to see if you could spot a familiar head of gray hair. 

you finally caught a glance at him from afar, his smile growing as his eyes locked onto yours.

“y/n!”

you mimicked his expression and found your feet moving quicker than your brain could process. he put in the same amount of haste to meet you in the middle. you both stopped at about an arm’s length away from each other. his flushed cheeks and slightly red but glistening eyes held your smile as you decided to speak first. 

“hey, kou.”

“hey, sugar.”

another minute couldn’t be wasted as you finally crashed into one another. it felt better to hold somebody that you knew and genuinely loved. you could be sure that he felt the same way as he held your body tightly against him. 

heyo haikyuu night! send any requests right here..

[onf-headcanons]

First time (A Changyoon x Reader fic)

A/n : warning really long post , smut

 Hmm also I wont be specifically writing about hair color for Changyoon, even though I do love his short hair in Sukhimvit Swimming, (and I do picture that hair while writing) but I dont want to not being flexible in settings so I will be keeping a lot details vague this time.

Again English is not my mother tongue even tho its my second language. So please bear with me if my English or my writing is horrible and weird

OK story time let’s go

Quick setting, Changyoon is not your first boyfriend and you are not his either. But in terms of skinship, he is the first as your previous relationships you did not get to go too far.

You two washed up quite early. Having nothing else to do, you and Changyoon decided to watch a movie an streaming apps via TV. He lets you decide while he quickly whip up some popcorn at the kitchen and you just randomly pick one that has a high positive rating.

(It’s a romance genre but you did not knew there is a steamy make out scene in the movie that signifies advancement in characters relationship)

You and Changyoon cuddles on the couch, he is hugging you while you are hugging on a cushion. Enjoying and immersed at watching the characters in the movie in their slow burn relationship.

And then near the end of the movie comes the steamy scene. Changyoon, the usual easily flustered type, goes “Woah, Wah! Mwoyaaaa!! (What the heck!)”, and even lets go of you and covers his eyes with his hands

At the same time you goes “Oh dear.” and laughs nervously.

He suggests you to turn it off but you reply him there is just 10 more minutes left. Seeing you has no intention to turn it off, Changyoon licks his upper lips anxiously and before pursues his lips. His hands now are covering his ears and his eyes are shut tightly.

Seeing Changyoon doing that, you chuckled before turning the TV off. Finding it funny because it’s not like you two never kissed, also finding your BF is cute as he sure is very easily flustered. You reach out your hand to grab his wrist nearby his ear, and tell him you have already turned off the TV.

Upon hearing you, Changyoon opens one of his eyes to take a peek. Relieved when he sees the TV screen is black, then only he relaxes himself.

“Woah, thank god…things nearly get real bad…” Changyoon rubs his face with the palm of his hands while letting out a sigh.

Halfly want to tease him, you gets closer to him and ask “ Come on we are both adults, it was not a big deal.”

“No, its dangerous. Promise me, don’t ever watch stuff like this with other guys.” Changyoon makes a quick glance and then retorts you.

“Why would I watch that with other people?” You laughs because that comes out of nowhere, then another thought strikes you, “Are you being jealous?”

“No, not really… I mean…” Changyoon stutters. You wait for him patiently to find the best words to express himself, then he continues, “Well guys are beasts, thats why you need to more careful.”

“Okay.” you respond.

“Including me.” Changyoon drops instantly after your words ended. You raise your eyebrows upon hearing him. Changyoon finally looks at you in the eye and reaches out to cup your cheek before he goes, “ It will be a lie if I said I never had thoughts towards you.”

“So again, you need to more care-”

Before he could finish his words, his lips are taken by yours. Its just a peck, but since you literally leaped (lightly) to his chest, both of your upper body are pressed against each other with clothes as the only barricade between bare skin. You doing it because you suddenly feels that you want to do it.

It is rare for you to initiate, Changyoon nervously smiles at you when you push yourself backwards, looking at you unbelievingly. “You are the one who DOES NOT need to be THAT careful.” you look at him affectionately while assuring him.

“Did you.. chose that movie on purpose?” With one eyebrow raised, Changyoon voices out his doubt.

“I swear I really did not know about that passionate part in the movie.” You quickly explained that you are innocent.

And Changyoon lets out a sigh again as he knew you are telling the truth.

“This was never how I have imagined it to happen, but…” Changyoon frowns a bit and rubs his face with his palm again, his tone sound serious. “Y/N, can I?”

You promptly agree him and Changyoon pushes himself up. He pushes you up too. “I am serious. But not now, it does not need to be now. You can have a thought about it.”

You lightly bite you lower lip, pupils wandering a bit then you goes, “It is fine even if we do it right now.” 

Changyoon eyes got bigger due to your unexpected answer. “ Y/N, please think about it properly. What did I always tell you?”

If you did not know him well, you probably already shivering because of his sternly-piercing looking eyes. But after some time of interactions you could tell that he is just deeply concerned.

“You need to love yourself more.” you rephrase Changyoon’s words while he is repeating it in front of you. 

“I do take you words seriously, Changyoon. I love you that’s why I do.” You lower your gaze and reach out to place your hands on his and then you gaze at him again.

“I love and know myself well enough to tell you now, that I am ready and absolutely ok with it.” You sound firm, and you tighten you grip.

To your surprise, Changyoon suddenly pounces towards you, making you fell back to the couch. As your back comes in contact with the couch, your lips also make contact with Changyoon’s soft and plump lips.

He is slowly kissing your lower lip and occasionally giving it a gentle nibble while sucking it. His arms are resting beside your head, supporting his weigh, as if he is afraid of squishing you. But then he stops doing that as he moves his hands to cup your cheeks.

Then one of his hand slides to your chin, with a little force added, you let his tongue into your mouth. His breathing got heavier and you can feel it on your face as he exhales. As he is cupping your face, he is also holding you in place, making him had easy access towards you. You respond to him but he is much more passionate than usual. You could not keep up so you just let him lead you and had his way. You relax yourself by resting you arms on the couch.

The kiss was long and passionate, too long in your opinion, you lift you hands and wearily placed at his chest. Changyoon immediately understood the cue and he breaks off the kiss to catch his breathe, kisses your forehead while you are also gasping for air.

Seeing your moisty lips and unfocused gaze, he could not contain himself and leans towards you even before you get enough of oxygen.You whimpered the moment his lips touches yours. This time he did not go easier on you. It is slightly rougher and sloppier. Both his hands are at the sides of your neck, securing you while he immersed in his indulgence.

As he moves back, he frowns while biting a corner of his lower lips. You could tell he is frustrated. But not to the extent that he is annoyed.

“What… was that for?” You barely let your words out as you panted. “Payback?”

“Sorry… did I startled you?” His expression quickly turned to looking worried after he knew he lost his cool. You shake you head.

Changyoon lowers his head and places his forehead on yours, adjusting his breathing and trying to calm himself by keep reminding that it is your first time in his head. You can tell his switch is totally turned on, he is still wanting for another kiss since he keep tilting his head, trying to find an easy angle to land his lips on yours again. But he is hesitating (or maybe he is waiting for you to adjust your breathing)

You finally gain a bit of strength, reach out to cup his chubby cheeks and guide his lips to yours. As both of your lips pressed together for the third time, you wrap your arms around his neck, opening a bit of your mouth as well. He takes that as a sign that he could do more. So he engages another kiss with you once more.

While kissing, Changyoon slides one of his hand down towards the side of your waist and without warning, he hand dig through the fabric of your clothes and his palm comes contact to your skin. He starts to caress your belly moving his palm left and right, not moving upwards just yet. His hand movement had already made you arching your body as response. Unconsciously, loosen you arms let them fell on your chest. 

Changyoon break of the kiss and he takes out his hand underneath your shirt to grab your hand. He kisses your fingers before he whispers to your ear, “Want me to stop?” Such soft and attentive question but it also somewhat feels as if it is the final warning from him.

Overwhelmed by experiencing a whole new sensation for the first time, with your trembling lips and teary eyes, you shake your head.

Changyoon then kisses you forehead and your cheek. Later he pushes himself up to strip his shirt, revealing your favorite thing of his. His WHPH tattoo.

He helps you to take off your clothes while you cooperated. (Should you are female reader, you felt a bit nervous as you recalled that the underwear you are wearing were not the best ones you have. And that moment you kinda regret for making the decision without thinking another step further. But not for long) 

Changyoon adjusts his posture and you are now between his legs, he looks at you for a bit, not making any comments. But his hands are the opposite. He is touching you again. (Female reader part, he is caressing your chest with your bra on). While doing it, he is observing your reaction. 

He leans forward and lands kisses on your neck area. You do not know where to place your hands so you just rest them at the sides of your head, clutching the fabric of the couch tightly while letting out some whimpers.

(Changyoon reaches to the straps of your bra at your shoulders. Sliding them off and then slowly he pushes your bra downwards so that he can have easier access to your breast)

He give your earlobes a few nibbles and soft bites before he move further down to your collarbone. Unconsciously, your hands reach out and rest on his shoulders. Changyoon took it as a possible cue again and he raised his head to check on you again.You shake your head again to let him know it is fine to continue.

Then he kisses your chest while occasionally making eye contact with you. You jolted at his lips touches your skin. He did not stop there, and he starts to tease you using his tongue. He did not neglect the other one, as he plays your nipple with his fingers. The man on top of you letting out soft groans and grunts as he tries his best to please you. 

Conscious of him watching, you hold back your voice by biting your lower lip, your hands fell back on the couch again. But as Changyoon concentrates on what he is doing, you finally could not hold it in, letting out moans unintentionally riling him up even more. Feeling unfamiliar with what you are experiencing, you tried to change the mood by calling out your partner’s name.

“Hmm?” your partner responds

“Say something... would you?” you mutter out your thoughts. He pushes himself up again to look at you.  “This silence is making me embarrassed and it is killing me.”

“But wouldn’t talking too much kills the mood as well?” Changyoon reaches out to one hand of yours, locking his fingers with yours before pulling your hand towards to land a gentle kiss on the back of your hand. “Besides, I don’t like commenting much on someone’s body. You know that.” he continued as he lowers both his hand and yours and places them on your belly.

 While at it, he loosen his grip of your hand and slides his hand downwards. “ Can I?” he asks while kissing you on the side if your neck.

You gave him permission then he stops kissing you and advances his hand further, caressing your private part through your underwear. You don’t really have a hobby of touching yourself and it is the first time someone else doing it. Your hip starts to move and tremble as a response to his slow and sensual touch. “You are wet. I am glad you felt good.” “ Changyoon murmurs into your ear and it gave you chills towards your spine.

He strips off the final clothing of yours and touches you directly. While at it, he moves a bit and lowers his head to take your nipple in his mouth. And then,seeing he is distracting you successfully, he slowly inserts his finger into your entrance.

You jolt and exhale sharply as it is your first time something inserted into you. Unintentionally, your hip is squirming a bit as if trying to escape. Changyoon pushes himself up and places his free hand on your the side of your waist, he did not add any force, but weirdly it did hold you in place. 

Changyoon watches you closely trying to get all the cues from your facial expression. “It’s ok, relax. I am not hurting you.” he adds while advancing his finger further into you. You breathe heavily and relax yourself, he then adds in another finger into you. You just let him take the lead because you trust him understands what he is doing.

Then his fingers swept through a spot, it makes you tingle and your back arch in response. Due to a sudden reaction of yours, Changyoon look at your with a bit of disbelief. To confirm his doubt, he moves back to the spot and ask:” Was it here?”

It caught you off guard and you let out a loud moan as he slowly grinds his fingers towards the spot. “Aah,...” you whimpers in a low trembling voice while reaching your hand to his hand at your private part.

“Am I right?” Changyoon asks again as he presses the spot. Your legs jolt as a result of correct answer to his question. 

Changyoon lean towards you and kisses your forehead, “Should I stop?” he offers but he did not pull out his fingers, instead he is massaging the spot, making you moan even more. You shake your head and only mutter his name as he starts to thrust his fingers into you. 

“Does it feel good?” he confirms with you. You can only nod.

Without any word, Changyoon slides his free hand upwards to caress your chest, teasing your nipples while at it. He only quietly watches you  reacting to his touch.

Your hands are scratching and clutching the fabric of the couch, you are biting your lips hoping to lower down the noises you are making. It riles him up even more, “ Ya, don’t bite yourself. “ Changyoon notices and he leans down to kiss you on the lips. Your let out all your whimpers and moans into his mouth.

The whole new sensation was overwhelming for you. Your mind goes blank and tears rolling down from your eyes. It did not take long for you to experience your first climax. Changyoon breaks off the kiss and pushes himself up to check on your condition. 

Looking at your teary eyes, he wipes away your tears while smiling and feeling proud of himself. He pulls out his fingers from you. You are gasping heavily for air, still processing what has happened. Changyoon pats your head and praises you.

Changyoon reach out to your thighs, lifting one of it trying to spread your legs. You thought he will proceed just like that but he pauses. Then he pushes himself further up and eventually leaves the couch, rushing to the bedroom. You could not understand his actions and you use up all your might to push yourself up, wondering why did he leave.

He then returns with a few condoms, while looking a bit anxious and worried. He is nagging while walking to wards you, “This is why we should plan before doing it, what are you even thinking Changyoon-ah ...”

Seeing you already pushed yourself up, he let out a “Mwoya?” by habit.

You only look at him in a puzzling look.  “I did not have lubricant, and these are the only condoms I have.” he says as he walks near you.

“It might hurts.” he warns. “Are you sure you still wanna do it?” he gently pats your head while waiting you to answer.

You could argue that you are not thinking straight or, you just don’t want him to hesitate. As your breathing get calmer, you reply him while raising your eyebrow playfully, “Well I am just not sure if we should do it on the couch though...”

Changyoon gets your intention immediately and he retorts you with  “Ya, I am being serious here!”

Then he pauses again, you can tell he is thinking. You lean forward, enough distance to reach out his hand and pulls him towards you. In no time, Changyoon is on top of you again.

He knows he could not win you, so he lightly pinches you on your cheek with his free hand. “You asked for it, so don’t blame me later ok?”

He pushes himself up to strip his underwear. You take a condom from him and opens it. Changyoon then takes the condom from you and puts it on. You stare at him and unconsciously swallowed saliva due to nerviousness. (Of course you also felt glad that he is up)

Once he is done, his hands are now at the side of your thighs. You cooperated as he lightly yanks your hip upwards, grabs a cushion to place it under your hip.  He then adjusts your pose so that now you are lying down on your side and one of your leg is resting on his shoulder.

You could feel his bulge come in contact with your skin as you two are now very close to each other. Changyoon guides himself to your entrance, massaging your entrance with his tip so that you can loosen up and take him in.

“Don’t look if you are scared. “ he advises, then he inhales deeply as he slowly enters. He pushes himself in while landing some kisses at your inner thigh. 

 As the pain spreads from inside you, you curl yourself a bit and Changyoon stops advancing. He quickly asks he if you are alright and plans waits for your frown to loosen up a bit before proceeding further in. You nods as a sign for him to continue.

With his at your waist holding you in place, Changyoon gradually move his hip towards you until he has himself all inside you. As he was entering you, he was so concentrated at not hurting you that his lips are pouting unconsciously (and frowning as well).   Once he had everything in, he let out a groan of relief.

You are trembling because you could feel the heat of what is inside you. Uncomfortable is not the word, but it does make you a feeling slightly unease. Changyoon lowers your leg at his shoulder and bends down. His hands let go of your waist. One finds your hand that was clutching couch’s fabric while another hand cups your cheek and he kisses you again.

As he is kissing you, you could feel he is getting bigger inside you. Your cheeks flushes red immediately and you push him off to break the kiss.

“Hey! LEE CHANGYOON!!!” you wail out of disbelief.

“Sorry! But I can’t help it!” Changyoon exclaims. He then rests his forehead at your shoulder and buries his face. He is breathing heavily, as if doing that would lessen the burden you are having now. You reach out to his nape and give him some gentle stroke him to give him assurance.

Changyoon ask you if he can move, and you tell him to do it. He starts to slowly pull himself out and thrust in while his head still resting on your shoulder. He has a good memory of where your sensitive spot is, once he hits it, the tone of your moans changes immediately. 

Changyoon also letting out soft grunts and groans, as if he is harmonizing with your voice.

You could not help but focusing on his movements and his voice, and your voice starts to get louder. You are aware of it and you try to hold back but it was effortless. He does not deny your voice really riles him up. He pushes himself up so that he can observe you. 

Seeing you beet red from your face to your neck, he curses as he increases his pace. With that you lose your composure and just responded at every thrust and every touch where his palm lands.

“Y/N-ah, are you feeling good?” he asks you as thrusting. You could tell from his tone that he is worried if he is hurting you or he is not good enough.

You reach out to his hand that was the nearest you could grasp, interlocking his fingers with yours. “You... are the best.” you reply him and kisses the back of his hand before rest both hands at the side of your head. 

With his free hand supporting his weight, Changyoon lowers himself to kiss your chest, “Let’s cum together ok?” he suggests before he focusing on pleasing you.

You tighten and loosen your grip as additional response to his thrusts. Your could not care about those embarrassing voice you made anymore, and fully succumb yourself to the ecstasy your partner trying his best giving you. 

You two finally climaxed after several thrusts. Your lower body feels numb and heavy. Changyoon relaxes himself and let his weight lands on top of you. His heavy breathing roams around your ear. Also breathing heavily, you loosen you grip towards his hand and throw your arms around his shoulders, hugging him even though you are now weary,

You kisses him on his ear while at it. Changyoon occasionally letting out  groans while he is catching his breath.Then he pushes himself up and pulls himself out. He finally “come to senses” when he sees what a mess you both has made. (Yup the couch fabric is soiled and wet)

You pushes yourself up and he hurriedly helps you up. You are dazed and drowsy for no reason. Changyoon asks you if you need a glass of water or anything. You just wrap your arms around his waist and pulls him closer towards as a sign for him not to leave just yet.

He is surprised at you being a bit clingy. But he hugs you back and pats your head. “Did you enjoyed it?” Changyoon asks you timidly. “ I hope I was not being rough.”

You shake your head and lift up your head to kiss his cheek. “Yes.” you reply to him

“I love you.” you add

He pats your head again and with a loving tone, “I love you too.”

A/N: Thank you for all who reads until the end. Anon that requests this, sorry that it took so long. Actually I already has an idea of writing changyoon smut before you sending the request, but I really not content of my initial structure at all. I had to let idea slowly mature as time pass so that I do not look like repeating what I wrote.

[sword-brainrot]

Oh, um! May I request a matchup? I know these can be draining to do so feel free to skip me if you want!!

So, um hi! Im a 19 yo translation student! Everyone uses she/her when talking to me, but you can use whatever you like, I dont mind pronouns! Im really shy and kinda anxious when talking to people, but I'm completely see-through ;; cant tell a lie to save my life haha Im super curious abt practically anything and I love to learn new things! When I have to get work done, I make sure it looks shiny and perfect! (even tough I procastinate on it until there's almost no time left,,,,) I prefer indoors because loud sounds make me somewhat panicky??;;;; and in my free time I play games, learn useless stuff and sleep... y'know, the usual ^^;

As for what I'd like in a parter.... I want someone who cares about me ;; I know it may be a bit too much but I guess I can dream right? :') As for myself,,,, idk id be a completely mess ;; Im good at listening I think! but when it comes to affection Im at a loss and I just get embarrassed,,,, I blush at everything and when Im put in a spot I try to laugh it off ;;

Um, also... Im sure you already noticed but I have some self issues so you may want to take this into consideration???? maybe???? Im sorry I had to bring this up;;; i tought it could help you get a better picture of myself haha???? uuu;; (um also i apologize for this huge wall of text, i know its all over the place.... dont know how to organize it;;;;)

Oh, and I don't care about sword types nor I have a preference! I love all the slashy boys equally ♡

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it 💖💖

Oh I would never skip your request! If I ever get drained, I would take a small break. I wanna do your requests dear! Feel free to request as much as you want, I have a blast whenever I can write and make someone smile because of it. Don't worry about bothering me or anything, seeing requests always makes me smile and excited to write 💖🌺

I Match You With...

🌸 Ishikirimaru 🌸

♡  Ishikirimaru is a very calm and friendly guy, he would understand very well how scary social interaction can be for some people. He would never push you too far and make sure he knows your limits. He would offer you to have tea with him or help him clean just so you both can bond together and let you know what he does want to be around you. He doesn't mind if you don't talk much because you are shy! Ishikirimaru doesn't talk too much in general but doesn't mind starting the conversation and having a short discussion about things that may interest you or your thoughts on things.

♡  Don't worry about ever making him angry or annoyed, it is very hard to do that. He is very easy going and cares a lot about other people. The only way he would ever get actually angry at you is if you say something insensitive about how people's lives in war don't matter or something along those lines. He was a sword kept in a temple that often got prayed to for healing the warriors who came back from battle with deadly wounds. That is the only thing that would actually get under his skin. He cares a lot about the people around him and even the people he doesn't know, he prays for all of their well beings. Even yours. He cares about you a lot as well and will tell you often that you matter to everyone. He is aware that you would never say something to upset him on purpose. As long as the two of you talk it out and apologize to each other, he will forget it even happened. He wouldn't let one slip of the tongue to ruin the relationship.

♡  He tries hard to make sure he never upsets anyone and thinks over his words carefully, but even he makes mistakes and words don't come out how they planned. He will make the most effort to apologize and make sure his words didn't hurt you badly. If they did, he would spend hours on end talking it out and making sure you know that he would never mean anything that would hurt you. He cares about you a lot and your smile is his favorite.

♡  Ishikirimaru might be a little pushy when you talk badly about yourself. He loves everything about you and it hurts him when you think you are lesser than everyone. He will often try to stop you before you go too far with talking down upon yourself and give you plenty of compliments, even if they embarrass you. He wants you to know that you are deserving of love and that you are much better than you give yourself credit for. You have your own talents and people cherish you for being you. They want you in their life because you are you.

♡  "Aruji, I haven't been human long but I understand that being human is a complicated task. The mind can be a cruel one and the deadliest thing to our souls. My words may not mean much but please trust me when I say that you like you for you. You will see things you do not like about yourself because you are stuck with yourself constantly so you will pick up things that others will not. We are all hard on ourselves. Life is even worse on us. So take a deep breath and let yourself receive a little kindness. You deserve it. You give out so much to everyone so you need to know that it is okay to love things about yourself and be proud of who you are. You will make mistakes and not everyone will be your friend but that is okay, because you are human and you have your own life. Surround yourself with people that will love and appreciate you for who you are now. I love and appreciate you for who you are, aruji. So.. Don't be so hard on yourself, alright? It hurts my fragile heart when I see you beat yourself up for small mistakes. It's okay to stumble at times, just get up again... okay? I'll lend you my hand as well."

♡  As you can tell, Ishikirimaru is a very good listener. His whole life as a sword was to listen to those of the pained and give guidance. Even if he couldn't exactly do that in his sword form, he can do that now! He will listen to everything you have to say. Don't be shy to ramble to him. He will give you a happy smile as he listens. Tell him about the things that make you happy, what make you angry, what makes you laugh, and what makes you sad. Ishikirimaru will be right by your side, offering tea and a shoulder if you need it. You aren't alone and he will make sure you know that you don't have to face these thoughts alone.

♡  Just as how you are see through and can't lie, Ishikirimaru has a similar issue. He has a very hard time ever lying and chooses to never lie. The only time he will lie is if it is to protect others. He will often put himself in the painful position in missions so others don't have to face the hardship. He tries to not do it often because he knows that people care about him and he doesn't have to face things alone, but he would rather not see anyone sad if he can help it!

♡  He finds your embarrassed face the cutest thing in the world. Don't be scared to tell him to stop if the compliments become too much for you to handle! He will laugh it off and apologize for going too far with his comments. As stated above, he doesn't lie. So just know that every compliment he gives you is a very sincere comment that he means with his whole heart. Ishikirimaru doesn't need much affection, as long as you show that you simply care about him, he is happy. He would like to hold your hand from time to time but otherwise, he wouldn't force you to do anything you don't wish to do. Go at your own pace in the relationship, he won't rush you!

♡  Ishikirimaru will tell you anything you wish to learn! He might not have a library of knowledge of the past due to being stuck in a shrine for most of his life but he had also studied and learned about the history he came from. If you take an interest in his prayers and religion, he would gladly tell you all the tales he is aware of and teach you the cleansing sermon he often does to give positive spiritual energy. It is something that brings him peace of mind and makes him happy to talk about, so if you are willing to learn about what makes him who he is today and what makes him happy, he would be overjoyed to share all his knowledge to you.

♡  He understands very well the appeal of getting work done to the best of your ability and making it look the best you can. He wouldn't label himself a perfectionist but he does want to do the best he can. Often with cleaning. You will often see him stuck in a room all day because he wants to make sure it is spotless before he comes out and continues work else where. Though... by the time he is done... It is dinner time. Perhaps the two of you could work together and get work done to the point you are both happy with it.

♡  Ishikirimaru is also someone who happens to stay inside for the most part. The only time he goes outside would be to enjoy tea in the sun or if he has to work the field/horse keeping. Ishikirimaru is a very soft spoken and gentle man so you don't have to worry about him every raising his voice and scaring you. If there is ever a loud noise, whether it is other swords or a storm outside, he will gently hold your hand and try to calm you down. He will assure you that it's okay to not like loud noises but he will make sure that nothing hurts you. He will even try to lead you away to somewhere that may be a little more quiet. Giving you a distraction to get your mind off the noise. He wants nothing more than you to feel comfortable and safe.

♡  Depending on the game, he may want to play with you! He tends to like card games even though he is very easy to read and often loses. He tends to laugh about it after when he realizes that he was accidentally showing his hand every time he set down his cards to get a sip of tea. If it's video games, he would prefer to just watch you play and talk to you while you enjoy the game. He isn't the biggest fan but still enjoys to watch! Ishikirimaru is a pretty good teacher! So if you wish to study with him, he would be flattered that you wished to study with him out of everyone. He is very understanding that some material is hard to memorize out of no where. He would just softly correct you and tell you to work on it a little more. He rewards you with sweets every time you do really well on any test he gives you to test how much you remember.

♡  Ishikirimaru would be the most understanding and gentle partner. He wants nothing more than you being comfortable and happy. He would work hard on you slowly forgiving yourself when you make a mistake and love yourself a little more. He would never give up on you and be there if you ever needed.

[littlespaceporgs]

The Clone Wars Reacts - Part 3

Alternatively, Leah misses daddy Plo, gets annoyed by droids and is thoroughly entertained by Jar Jar Binks while simultaneously simping for Padme.

TA~DA! Welcome to part 3 of the reacts series, where we cover episodes 6, 7 and 8! I won’t lie to you, I actually found episode 6 really boring, 7 was less boring and 8 was maybe a little bit funny and I lowkey enjoyed it so much. So yeah, the first two reacts are kinda boring because I was super bored, but 8 is kinda funny. As usual, major spoilers for season 1 of the clone wars.

Part 1 - Episodes 1 and 2 Part 2 - Episodes 3, 4 and 5

So, lets do thissssss!

Tags (as always, let me know if you want a tag!): @acciokenobi​ @roseofalderaan​ @catsnkooks​ @peacelandbread​ @littlevodika​ @icedcoffeeandgays​ @captainrexstan​ @likeshootingstarsinthenightsky​ @mcu-padawan​ @onabouteverything​ @fractiouskat​

Episode 6: Downfall of a Droid

Notes: since writing these, I’ve discovered that I am 100% without a doubt very much a simp for Plo Koon and it shows.

> Pre-warning, I’m writing this on paper and on the train, so there may be slightly less thots thoughts in this one

> “Suffering serious defeats by Grievous”??????? All we’ve seen for 5 episodes now is Grievous lose????????

> Yeah Anakin! You should listen to Ahsoka!

>> (you need to trust my babey)

> Where the fuck is Plo when you need him? I WANNA SEE HIM

> Maybe that image will tide me over? (we all know it wont but that’s off topic)

> Oh for fucks sake I’ve had enough of Grievous

> YEAH R2, WE ALL KNOW YOURE THE ONLY REASON ANAKIN IS ALIVE!

> “this is too easy” oooohhhhh boy, you say that now......

*Grievous ditches his ship*

> ✨ disappointed, but not surprised ✨

> THERE IT IS!!!!! “I got a bad feeling about this” - bringing the total count so far to 2

> W H A T

>> R2D2?????????????????????????

>>> EXCUSE ME WTF?!?!?!?! DID THEY JUST - R2D2 NO!

> OBI WAN HOW DARE YOU R2D2 IS NOT REPLACEABLE

>> This is one of the few times I am more annoyed with Obi-wan than I am horny for him

>>> Wait no scratch that - i just looked at his face again 💖💖💖💖

> I miss Plo already, can he come back now?

> Oh Ahsoka, you’re so cute 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

> omg Goldie???? I LOVE IT he’s kinda adorable

> ooooohhh boy R2 is going to be on that dodgy ass ship isnt he?

> hahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahah

>> fart humour, i love it!

> Unique items, huh

> OH SHIT THATS THE TYPE OF DROID FROM THE MANDALORIAN

>> just thinking about the mandalorian reminds me of the new armour/helmet kink i discovered I had and how much i love pedro pascal

> Goddammit R3. oh shit oh shit bad droids BAD DROIDS

> is R2 just a really good droid? or do all of them make this many mistakes???

> hahahaha ‘gramps’, Ahsoka he’s literally only 5/6 years older than you

> *GASP* Anakin, he’s not a lightswitch!

> Oh shit, R2 was on the ship!

>> HA HA I WAS RIGHT

> fuck fuck Grievous no dont take R2 bad droid

> okay, I love obi-wan but he’s being a little harsh

>> mild turn-on but ok 👀👀

> aaaawwww the little stomping when he’s excited

> Do we get to see R2 do a mad escape?

>> WE DO!

> oh no, R2 you were so close

> tracking beacon?! R3, what’re you doing?!

> sorry anakin, they definitely saw it

> R3 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THE HYPERDRIVE TOO?

> YEAH AHSOKA, YOU SAVE ANAKIN’S BUTT

> You, know, I’m starting to wonder if R3 is doing all this deliberately??

> lowkey, I want to tally the amount of droids grievous hurts/destroys

> well, i want R2 back in the next episode, please and thank you.

Episode 7: Duel of the Droids

> Okay, all I want is for Anakin to hurry up and find R2, because I want this arc to be over

> I’m going to keep this reacts fairly short because I’m a little bit bored

> All I want is more Plo content, is that too much to ask???????

>> If you can’t tell I have a thing for Plo Koon and I officially joined the simp club for him.

> This trandoshan guy is just.... bleh 🤢

* insert gross shiver* 

> YEAH R2 YOURE DOING SO WELL! HOLY SHIT GO R2D2!!!!

> I said it in part 1, and I’ll say it again, R2′s whirring is a mood

> Okay so fucking R3 just turned R2 down, so I am definitely starting to think this is deliberate?

>> HOLY FUCK I JUST REALISED A THING! DUEL OF THE DROIDS???????? R3 VS R2??????????????????

> ANAKIN IGNORE OBI-WAN LIKE USUAL, YOU GO AND SAVE R2 OK?!

> Rex’s expression when he’s told to carry R3 is comedy gold by the way

> Oh please Captain, kindly fuck me

> FUCK YEAH AHSOKA!

> *sighs* Oh the droid humour

> I mean, it is a type of head adjustment I guess 🤷‍♀️

> ...

>> Did you seriously think grievous, being the slimy bastard he is, wasn’t going to kill you?????

> OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT I WAS RIGHT FUCK R3 MAN

> AHSOKA KICK GRIEVOUS’ BIN CHICKEN LOOKI- oh no she was thrown into a wall, never-mind.

> R2 YES ZAP THAT GODDAMN DROID AND SAVE ANAKIN

> oh this is awkward, I love how R2 is insulted that he got R3 hahahahahahahha

> YES AHSOKA YOURE RIGHT, HE IS A STUBBY LITTLE BACKSTABER

> okay the most interesting point of this episode is ahsoka is escaping grievous

> OH MY GOD I WAS RIGHT AGAIN?! R2 AND R3 ARE DUELLING!!!! I CAN SEE THE FUTURE OR SOME SHIT LIKE A JEDI

> THATS RIGHT BITCH R2D2 IS BETTER

> anakin looking out for R2 is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen

> ngl, i had a small degree of satisfaction when I saw R3 get smashed to bits

> “oh anakin... one day” obi-wan is a mood

> oh thank god its over, alright what’s up next?

Episode 8: Bombad Jedi

> HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH DOES THIS ONE HAVE JAR JAR IN IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

> please tell me it has jar jar in it, then it will surely be funnier than the last 2 eps

> OH SHIT THIS EPISODE HAS PADME TOO IM SO HAPPY YAY

> oh in the white outfit too, i love this woman so much

> I’m going to put a photo hear so you can appreciate it too

> My horny bisexual senses are tingling

> HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA IM ALREADY LAUGHING AT THE STUPID FROG

>> *for context he already fucked up once and we are 1 minute and 15 seconds into the episode

> she has a point though, C3PO does usually get into trouble

> oh boy, he sounds mad.... I’m getting a sinking feeling about this

> oh no

>> ah shit he’s gone and joined the separatists

> YOU DONT GET THE RIGHT TO CALL HER SWEET YOU TRAITOR

> I am much more entertained nonetheless by this episode

> wait so they fart insults???? it sounds like a fart and i giggled a little

> Oh and now jar jar’s trying to talk to them

> HAHAHAHAH C3 always gets shit thrown at him or shot at, whenever he’s in an episode I get a little bit happy 

> HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH ITS A FUCKING MAGNET OH C3 YOU POOR DROID

> why does he automatically jump to jar jar’s been killed oh my god so little faith like its a swamp planet???? and jar jar comes from a swamp planet????? of course he gone survive falling into water????

> buta mesa sav-ed you? i love this stupid creature oh my god hahahahaha

> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE JEDI CLOAK OMG

>> definitely 100% anakins, and I love the Padme has the equivalent of one of his hoodies

>>> I want one too

> ooooohhhh this is not going to go well

> oh boy

> I’m guessing this is where the bombad jedi comes from?

> DARTH JAR JAR

>> I am so sorry no its not mine, but I have no idea who’s it is

> wheresa jedi? OH MESA JEDI?

> have you guys seen zootopia? specifically where they trigger a ‘howl’ with the wolves??? Thats what I headcanon the droids are like with ‘roger roger’

> DAMN PADME THATS SOME MADASS CORE STRENGTH

>> crush me with those muscles please

> “There’s no jedi in here, wait there’s no prisoner in here!” hahahahahahahahah

> One day I’m going to have to do a little audio recording so you all know what sound I make whenever I’ve written hahahahahaha

> FUCK YEAH PADME SLAY THOSE DROIDS

> “I’m afraid the ship has been destroyed.” 

>> “Battle droids?” *shakes head*

>>> “... Jar Jar?”

>>>> “Jar Jar.”

> obviously Padme was right, she usually is

> oh boy Jar Jar is your only hope? you’re in for a shock buddy

> Padme is an excellent shot by the way

> OH MY GOD IT ATE HIM TO PROTECT HIM THATS SO SWEET

> “I think Jar Jar’s dead.” “Oh again?” goddamn it C3PO

> YEAH SLUG CREATURE THING GOOD JOB!

> ...

> excuse me????

> WHAT A FUCKING LEGEND HERE I WAS HATING ON UNCLE ANO WHEN HE IS STILL IN THE REPUBLIC

> okay he has my forgiveness now :))))))

alright, I enjoyed episode 8, 6 and 7 were a little lackluster, but I did like 8 a lot actually, more than I thought I would 

anyways, see you next time for 9, 10 and 11!! (I’m pretty sure I saw ventress and kit fisto in the title image, so be prepared for major ass thots because i am very heavily attracted to one (1) assassin and one (1) fish man)

[hyukiee]

Chapter 1: Destiny

warnings: cussing, drug use, mental illness (future fluff, smut, angst, etc.)

this is my first story i’m writing on tumblr, I hope y’all like it. I’ll probably update once or twice a week. I plan on this not so lovely love story to be pretty long.. and angsty. Enjoy :)

Dreams are one of the most unknown things we experience, yet no one questions our lack of knowledge about them when we lay in bed at night. Not everybody dreams. Some people only dream when their happy... or sad... or scared... or it just happens every blue moon for no reason at all. You dream every day, to the point where you feel a little depressed if you don’t have one. They never take you to wonderland, their never right, something is always off but you liked them anyways. They gave you an escape from reality, until reality started showing up in your dreams. The reality that you’re slowly killing yourself when really this was supposed to be the peak of your existence. The reality that you literally gave the most handsome man you’ve ever seen, the ugliest look in downtown Hollywood and the reality that you know you will ruin his life or get close to it.

‘That stupid fucking asshole, I can’t believe that no good piece of shit left me to fend for myself. It’s so fucking hot. Fuck off Karen, my face is easier to look at than that awful sweater. Fuck. I need to sit down.’ You stopped walking and you look at yourself through the reflection of some enterance to a cafe, it smells like. Jesus christ, those eye bags look like black eyes. You went to your closest friends party the other night, you didn’t want to go so that explains the oversized grey hoodie and grey sweats that... have dirt on them? How the fuck- you know what, you’ve seen worse. You can’t go inside the cafe looking like this though. The shady floor will do for now. Everyone is wearing work clothes so you must of slept through all of Sunday. Alone. Because your dick head of a friend abandoned you, god knows when but for someone that slept through an entire day, you’re tired. Maybe it’s just the mental exhaustion you live with but god you could use a nap. “E-eguse me ehm here you go,” you look up and see the most perfectly built man you have ever seen, holding a.. $10 bill? You unknowingly glare at him after noticing his arm holding out the money to you. He looked nervous, and foreign as fuck what accent is that? “I’m not homeless, fuck off.” Who the fuck is he to assume your homeless? Cant someone sit in piece for a little? Prick. You stood up, hitting his shoulder as you walked away, not ever looking back at his beautiful face.

Wake up, go to the beach, take a xans, go to work, go home, sleep, wake up, eat, sleep, and wake up to repeat the process. You always hated living by a constant schedule, but at this point you do anything you can to hurt yourself. The weekends are different though, its always spontaneous. Will you snort a line with the crackheads down the street or will you go to a party because you know the college kids adore their new interest in drugs? You really don’t need drugs. You’re fine. Depression put you in this place and god you feel like a coward. People go through so much more and stay away from drugs. Coward. Your thoughts consist of things like this often, even when your supposed to be hearing your idiot friends excuse for abandoning you last week. “Y/n, seriously, I could of sworn you were dead.” “Wow, thanks Julian, i’ll make sure to leave your lifeless body instead of calling 911 like a sane person when I get the chance.” You both rolled your eyes in sync. You loved Julian, he’s such a dumbass but despite saying he’s your closest friend, your hardly friends. You met before you dropped out of college, he was your dealer, one of the nicest ones you’ve met. You ran into him often and bought from him often as well so you would talk but the reality is he only stays because you’re his best costumer and you frankly don’t care because you are too lost to even care about someone else.

“Y/n, I think you should lay back on your habits a little bit,” Julian broke the silence you both had on the pier. You both liked to meet up at the pier and smoke a little. “Oh please, don’t act like you care. Drop the act and be a fake friend to me, please,” you spoke unemotionally, making eye contact with him. “I’ve never met someone asking for a fake friend.” “Real ones require you to love and deal with them. I can’t do that for you Julian but I know that’s not what you wanted anyways. I practically pay your rent, just thank me and change the topic.” He sighed. Not a disappointed one, a relived one. Julian has been a dealer for a very long time, he stopped caring about his costumers decisions. He didn’t truly care for your health, it was the sad truth. He did get worried that night at his party but only because he isn’t heartless. You knew that though, you seemed so lifeless and incapable of feeling anything to him. He wondered about your story at times but he knew somehow he would never get it. You’re easy to talk to though, it’s nice. “Thank you.”

Ever since you were little you wanted to live in a big city like L.A. Although, you imagined you would be going to UCLA and going to study on a beach just because you could. Standing next to Julian in line at Coachella, you just now take in how completely different your life turned out but at least you did end up here. Julian gets into Coachella for free every single year so your always his +1. You love gatherings like this but this one is just a little too Pg for you. You always end up spending most of your time at the food trucks. But according to Julian, ‘so many people would kill to be around this many celebrities’ so maybe you could get a drink or two in and mingle or whatever. It won’t kill you. So here you are, waiting to get a margarita because god knows you can’t be any type of social while sober. “I guess you weren’t homeless after all, my apologies,” you turn around and see the beautifully built man leaning down towards you. You could run. You’re not to far from the exit and it would be impossible to run into this guy for a third time... right? “Are you following me?” That was supposed to stay in your thoughts.. Is he though? How the hell do you see each other in two different cities? Sure, everyone knows about Coachella but how does he recognize you, you look good today, not homeless or drugged up, whichever works. “Ah, sorry, my english bad,” He stood up straight rubbing his hand on the back of his neck nervously. Right. Foreigner with a unknown accent. “What language do you speak?” It’s not like you’re going to understand his language but your curiosity is getting the best- “Korean.” You know it really isn’t too late to run. This man could be lying, trying to kidnap you and sex traffic you. What are the chances he just happens to speak the one other language you do as well. He could be faking this for all you know. “Hello,” You haven’t spoken in Korean since high school. You dont know why you even let that out. “You speak Korean? Wow, hello!” He bowed to you slightly with a box like smile on his face. That’s cute. It’s different. “I really am sorry for mistaking you the other day, do you mind me asking what happened?” “I was on a lot of drugs at a party and my friend abandoned me because he thought I overdosed.” You learned a long time ago to leave your addiction to yourself. People look at you differently when you do drugs, even your closest friends. That’s one of the first lessons you learn as a drug addict, keep it to yourself. The only people that know you do drugs are the ones that do them too. You could of lied to him, but the self destructive part of you couldn’t help but push this stranger away. You turned around to look at him after it got awkwardly silent. “What? You surprised? Scared? No harsh feelings, I don’t even know you.” You held in a laugh from his shocked and awkward expression. “Your right, we don’t know each other, I’m Taehyung,” He held out his hand replacing his taken aback expression back to his box-y smile, pretending what you said just never happened. ”Y/n,” You sighed. He won’t give up whatever this is. Fantastic. “Well actually, i’m supposed to be talking with famous people or something like that so I should get going,” You didn’t know how to get out of this situation. You felt like you couldn’t breathe with him standing so close to you. This conversation gets more and more awkward everytime you speak. “Then why are you leaving?” You both stared at each other, surprisingly not awkwardly. It was comforting looking into his eyes. “What? “You know what, I actually should go before i’m late, i’ll see you later,” he gave you one last smile and patted your shoulder before leaving you. “But- Why? What?”

“I just had the most uncomfortable conversation of my life with this insanely perfect looking man,” you spoke almost out of breath, finally finding Julian in the crowd. “Yeah, i’m pretty sure I saw who you’re talking about when I left you,” Julian is such an old soul. He responded while looking ahead at the stage, almonds in one hand like a football dad. “Who’s performing next” “Uh, BTS.” You hardly listen to music these days. Music that doesn’t fit your ‘fuck life, love drugs’ aesthetic. BTS doesn’t ring a bell so you probably won’t like it but it’s not like you have anything else to do, you’ve had enough with weird interactions. “Remind me why we’re sober,” you sighed, starting to feel the pain from standing for so long. “I’m sober, you’re drunk.” Julian glanced at the margarita in your hand. Right, you almost forgot. “Oh, don’t judge-“ “Sh sh sh their coming.” He hit your shoulder a couple of time looking at the stage like a child. You hate when people tap on you it’s so annoying. You sighed for the one thousandth time and focused on the group of people coming to the stage. Asians, how convenient. You know if life really hated you they would be Korean just like- “Ey, isn’t that the ‘insanely perfect looking man’ you were talking about? I can’t tell.” You have got to be kidding. That’s why he asked why you were leaving. He’s fucking famous. “I need another drink,” You sighed.

[emptymasks]

And I’ll be coming for you too

Pairing: Tom Cody/Raven Shaddock

Words: 3319

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Tags: Pre-Slash | Canon-Typical Violence | Non-Graphic Violence | Kidnapping | as in the canon kidnapping of ellen in which raven still tries to forcibly kiss her but then backs of maybe some think thats ooc but i dont like writing anything vaguely non-con or dub-con so | yeah im writing fanfic for a ship that has only 1 other fanfiction | Unresolved Sexual Tension | Swearing | Fist Fights | Gangs | Gang Violence | Bikers | raven just likes pretty things deal with it

Read on Ao3

Notes: So this whole fic was just written as a practice for the actual fic I want to write, but I wasn't sure if I was getting Raven's dialogue in character so I thought as a practice I could just write scenes from the film. So all the dialogue is actual dialogue from the film (apart from one line), and Raven's internal voice is all my writing. I wasn't sure whether to post it as this was just to help me practice getting into character for them, but once I finished typing I realised it was 3k words long so I may as well post it.

Also, yes, hi, hello, it's been over 2 months since I posted. I was being so good at writing frequently again and then I just dropped off. I don't know why I became convinced I didn't have the time to write, and when I did I just couldn't get myself to do it. But now the UK is on lockdown and I've had to shut my shop, my only source of income, guess I don't have the excuse of not having time anymore huh.

Also it's late and my eyes were hurting as I proof-read so there may be mistakes there wouldn't usually be, sorry.

He’d almost forgotten how pretty she was.

They’d tied her up as soon as they’d gotten back to the bar and Raven had stayed with his men, sorting things out and going through how he was going to handle her, and how none of them were going to tell anyone where she was.

Ellen was still on the bed where they’d left her, of course she was, it’s not like she’d be able to untie herself. She was moving her arms, trying to tug them free and failing. She was glaring at him with such cold hate that only sharpened her features. Her chest was heaving.

Raven was across the room in an instant. He sat on the bed, putting his hands either side of her waist. Not touching her, not yet. He smirked down at her and her expression didn’t change. He felt a twinge of anger. Couldn’t she feel something, even if it was burning rage? Without thinking he swept down in an attempt to kiss her but she turned her head away.

“You know, you’re making things real hard on yourself. You act nice, me and you fall in love for a week or two, and then I let you go. Nobody gets hurt,” He reached out to hold her cheek. “You see, I ain’t such a bad guy. I just… get excited around pretty girls.”

He tried to kiss her again but she continued to turn away and push her legs up to try and create distance between them. Raven frowned.

There were women in this area that would love a chance with him (some men too), though granted it was more because they figured sleeping with the leader of the Bombers would give them some protection, but here he’d had to go after someone who didn’t want him.

She was so beautiful though, even more so without those brightly coloured lights from the stage beaming down on her. She seemed so much smaller like this…

Raven watched as Ellen continued kept herself pressed away from him. He got to his feet and paced the length of the room and back. This should be easy, she was tied down, just… you know… do it… But he’d been hoping she could be into it, a stupid fantasy. Is that what he’d done all this for, some fantasy crush?

Goddamn, if it was that this would all be so much easier.

He’d sensed the Bombers getting restless. What with other gangs rising up, and trouble with the Road Masters, he’d sensed that somewhere getting pretty displeased about how he was running things. They felt like they hadn’t done anything big in ages, that Raven wasn’t bad enough, wasn’t tough enough. That he was starting to go soft. So what could be a bigger move to show he was not to be messed with than to successfully kidnap the single most famous and heavily-guarded person in Richmond. That would be big enough to shut them all up.

He cast a glance back at Ellen before storming out of the room. He let out a slow breath to make himself appear calm before crossing the hallway and into the room where a group of Bombers were playing cards, and he sat in his usual seat next to Greer. Greer wasn’t the best fighter among them, but he’d quickly become Raven’s right-hand man as he had an uncommon sense of loyalty towards Raven. He’d rather have an okay fighter who’d actually give a shit if he was shot, rather than the best fighter who’d leave him to bleed out in the streets.

Raven put Ellen from his mind. Either she’d come around and they’d have a fling, or she wouldn’t and Raven would move her to somewhere where the others Bombers couldn’t get to her. He didn’t want all his men putting his hands on her, and while he had gone to all this trouble, he wasn’t the type to force himself on someone. Abducting, sure that’s easy and hey you don’t have to hurt them, but he wasn’t comfortable doing that. Not that he could let the other Bombers know that.

He was trying to focus on the game and lit a cigarette, when some blond girl burst into the room.

“Knock, knock,” She said, smugly, as she pointed her gun at them.

Raven calmly took the cigarette out of his mouth. He’d had guns pointed at him too many times for it to bother him anymore. Maybe that would worry some people. Maybe it should worry him.

There was a commotion outside the bar, and then he heard footsteps closer to them, before retreating. Shit, someone figured out where Ellen was.

“Guys, it’s been a slice,” The blonde girl backed out of the room, shutting the door behind her as she ran off.

Raven shot to his feet. “Well don’t all just sit there!” He yelled as the Bombers finally started moving and following her out of the door.

When Raven finally got outside, away from all the bodies crashing into each other in a panic, there was fire in the street. Whoever came for Ellen sure was having some fun. Raven could respect that.

Navigating his way through the fire, he saw a man starting up a bike, a Bomber bike.

“Well,” Raven called over to the man as he approached. “Looks like I finally ran into someone that likes to play as rough as I do.”

The man on the bike turned around. Raven had never seen him before. Strange that it wasn’t a local, only locals knew how to get into the Battery. Maybe he was some hired hero or hitman paid off to get Ellen back.

He was pretty though.

It wasn’t like Raven to not notice that. He’d realised when he was fairly young he had a penchant for pretty things, whether they were girls or guys. His mother used to say it was a good thing he was named after a bird, since he always seemed to chase anything pretty and shiny.

“Yeah, this must be your lucky night.” Oh so the man was sure of himself. Quick too. And what those words could mean in another context. Raven could almost think the man was flirting.

“I’m lucky? I guess maybe I am,” Raven smirked, then dropped into a scowl. “And you’re dumb. Real dumb if you think you can pull this off.”

“I think you’re forgetting something,” The man pulled at the front of his coat. “I’ve got the gun.”

“I can get guns, smart guy, lots of them. Now why don’t you tell me your name?” It was a perfectly normal question. If he was going to find this mystery pretty boy (mystery man, his brain fought among itself) and track him down, he’d need his name. It wasn’t because he was interested… Alright, it wasn’t just because he was interested.

“Tom Cody. Pleased to meet ya,” The man’s lip twitched into the hint of a smile. It annoyed Raven.

“I’ll be coming for her. And I’ll be coming for you too.”

“Sure you will. And I’ll be waiting.”

Raven let his face break out into a smirk that seemed to get under the man’s skin as he turned his head away. Raven watched him set off on the bike, then turned to walk back through the fire.

--

Raven sent Greer to go and arrange the meeting with the cops. Greer could take care of himself, but also Cody wouldn’t care to go after him. Hell, Raven couldn’t show up alone anywhere right now, Tom Cody present or not. Ellen Aim was well loved and being her abductor was not making him any more well liked than he was. People still feared him, sure, but now people from out of town knew his face. He wasn’t sure if he liked that. A guy always needs to be able to disappear. You never know when you might have too.

“I want Tom Cody. I want to nail that son-of-a-bitches’ head to the side walk under that marquee that says ‘Ellen Aim’ on it,” Raven couldn’t help but grin at the thought.

Cody was infuriating him more every second. First he shows up and takes back the girl, then he proceeds to shoot his men, blow up his street, and steal a bike (maybe the bike should bother him less). He wanted to punch him in the face real bad. The idea of Cody losing to him, submitting to him, was a pleasing thought. And he needed it. Not because he was obsessing over Cody, no, not at all, but the Bombers had just suffered a lot of damage while he led them and that was causing a lot of rumblings. If Raven didn’t make Cody pay, the Bombers were going to him pay.

The cops hated him, he knew that. Fuck them.

“And to prove to you that I’m gonna be a nice guy,” Raven continued. “I’m coming in with just two of my men. After I take care of Cody, they’ll be no more trouble,” He was smirking again as soon as he said Cody’s name, he could feel it.

And they were lies of course. For a week or so he’d act like he was keeping his word, but then start to scale things back up again.

“Do your job man, keep the peace.”

--

That fucking bastard cop. Fucking liar. Cody hadn’t shown up. Knowing Officer Price, he’d probably warned Cody to get out of town.

Whatever. It wasn’t like he was dumb enough to trust cops.

He rode down, with Greer and Mikey riding just behind him, and came to a stop in front of the barricade of cop cars. He stopped his bike and watched as the cops approached, clenching his jaw.

“Well?” Raven lounged back on his bike. Cody was possibly still here, or at least could still show up.

“It’s real simple, Raven,” Officer Price spoke up. “There’s no showdown. Tom Cody ain’t here and neither is the girl.”

Oh fuck, yeah the girl. He’d sort of forgotten about taking Ellen back since he’d been so focused on Cody.

Cody who wasn’t fucking here.

“I don’t get it,” Raven felt his jaw starting to shake.

“Get off your bike, Raven.”

Alright, tough fucking cop.

Raven stood, swinging his leg over his bike. “I ain’t too crazy about jails, chief. I got a better idea for ya.”

As Raven raised reached into the pocket of his black, leather coat, he watched the cops tense as they expected a gun.

Idiots.

Raven pulled up the air horn so they could clearly see what it was, and he pressed it.

He watched the cops faces as they realised what was about to happen. It was so fucking satisfying. Watching their faces crumble as he head the rumble of bike engines approach and approach and the cops’ eyes widen as they realised just how many where coming.

“I told your friend Cody I could get a lot of guns.”

It felt like such a brilliant moment.

Some short little runt had to ruin it, pushing his way through the gathering crowd to start yelling in Raven’s face.

“What is this?! You can’t get away with this! You think you can ride into any town and kidnap anyone you want?”

Yeah, pretty much.

“Now, get the hell out of town and leave these people alone,” The man spoke as if he was somehow intimidating. As if that was going to make Raven leave. Pathetic.

He didn’t even need to tell Greer to get the guy out of his face, Greer just stepped forward and punched the man. The officer behind Price scurried over to help the fallen man.

They could easily take the cops. It would be something. Not as satisfying as if Cody was here. It wasn’t fair.

Then there was a screech. Tires on concrete.

Raven saw the red blur before he even recognised it as a car. Cody pulled up behind the cops, perfectly placed so Raven could see him, like he wanted all of Raven’s attention on him. As soon as Cody stepped out, he took one look at Raven and shrugged off his coat. He threw it back into his car with a sharp turn and stalked towards Raven. Raven couldn’t help but inspect the other man’s physique more. Perhaps Cody was more muscular than he’d thought. He could still take him though… especially with what he’d brought with him.

“Sorry I’m late,” Cody didn’t look fucking sorry at all. His face was this blank expression. Raven couldn’t tell if he was angry, or just bored.

He won’t be bored for long.

“I’ve got something special in mind. I brought them along, just for you,” Raven removed his own coat, revealing even more black leather underneath. He turned around to throw his coat onto his bike.

He motioned to Greer to get the weapons he’d brought with him.

“Well my plan went to shit,” Officer Price turned to Cody. “Let’s see how you do.” He stepped closer to Cody as if he didn’t want Raven to know what he was saying, but Raven could still hear. “Kick his ass.”

He watched Cody give a slight nod and a smile to Price. He looked more infuriating when he was smug.

There was shouting people started to run out form their houses, as they got closer Raven realised most of them had guns. Well, he really better fucking win this.

The hammers made a clanging sound as Greer spun them around in his hand, before throwing one to Cody and the other to Raven.

Fuck guns. These were things that could do some real damage. It also got them up close and personal, made strength come into it. Anyone could stand and fire a gun.

“Nice, huh?” Raven twirled the hammer in his hand, looking casual, before pouncing and striking towards Cody.

Cody’s reflexes were good. He dodged every blow and Raven fully realised the weight of the weapon. If you weren’t careful swinging it, it would bring you down with it.

“Get him!” Greer cheered as Raven struck Tom just below the shoulder.

He’d got a hit in. Okay, he could do this.

Their hammers locked and Raven twisted so it fell out of Cody’s grip, but he was quick to pick it back up. Fuck that. When their hammers locked again, Raven let go with one hand to punch Cody in the face.

That did feel good.

He backed Cody up against a car as he kept dodging more blows. He dodged Cody’s swing that continued on through the car window, covering them both in tiny shards of glass.

They continued to fight and while Cody managed to hit Raven, they quickly went to locking hammers against each other’s. This wasn’t going to work. Fuck! Cody was physically stronger than he’d anticipated. He couldn’t tell from that trench coat that underneath was a fucking jock. If he couldn’t beat him with strength, he’d have to be agile. He twisted and kicked his leg out, his boot landing in Cody’s gut.

Cody was caught off guard and Raven punched him again, sending Cody sprawling onto the floor. He was faintly aware of Greer screaming past the adrenaline pumping through him, blocking out everything other than Cody.

He went to strike down on Cody, but the bastard kept moving. He wasn’t paying attention, purely running on emotions, and before he knew it Cody had grabbed his hammer back and swung it around to hit Raven in the back.

Well turns out he’d been right about them fucking hurting.

Cody then managed to get up and bring his knee into Raven’s stomach, before hitting him across the back with the handle of the hammer.

They locked their hammers a final time as they both pushed with all the strength they had. Their gazes flickered between each other and the hammers which were slowly moving down. Raven could feel himself slipping, he wasn’t strong enough, god fucking dammit.

Raven’s hammer clattered to the ground.

He’d fucked up.

He watched Cody swing back and couldn’t help but feel all kinds of fucking scared as he realised if that hammer hit his head he was very much not going to be okay.

But Cody threw the hammer to the ground.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?! He didn’t want Cody’s fucking pity!

Raven heard himself screaming before his brain processed that that noise was coming from him. He charged at Cody, running him up against some of the Bombers, knocking them and their bikes over. He didn’t care. He didn’t fucking care, he just needed Cody to stop being so fucking infuriating.

He kept punching and kicking and Cody fell and tumbled some more, knocking over even more bikes in his path. When Cody tried to stand up, Raven kicked him in his stomach. When he didn’t try to stand up, Raven grabbed him and pulled him to his feet just to punch him in his face and sent him falling back down again.

He approached Cody again, but Cody’s leg flew up (how was he that fucking flexible?) and kicked Raven in the face. It was Raven’s turn to go sprawling over the floor, landing on one of the Bombers.

He looked up and saw Greer’s face was cold. Jesus, fuck, it’s always the loyal ones isn’t it. Or the ones that think you are. How dare he act like Raven was disappointing him?! He’d only been punched once and already the Bombers were giving up on him.

There he was, not paying attention again, and Cody hauled him to his feet, punching him again and again. They were both getting tired. Raven could feel himself slipping. Tom punched him in the face once, twice, three, four times in a row. Raven stumbled back, barely staying on his feet. He wasn’t sure if he was swaying or the whole world was. His vision was getting blurry.

A shape that looked like Cody walked closer to him and all it took was a push on his shoulder and Raven was falling onto the ground.

He was faintly clinging onto consciousness as he heard cheers and then the sound of too many guns cocking.

“Let’s get out of here!” Greer’s voice called out.

He heard the bikes drive off, more and more or them and he wasn’t sure what he hoped for. If they left him here he’d be sent to jail. If they took him with them… fuck. He’d fucked up. They were not going to keep him around as leader. If they took him with them, he was probably going to get more of a beating and either killed or left out in the street to die like some fucking roadkill.

He felt hands on his shoulders.

“I’ve got you, boss,” It was Greer. Greer was picking him up and placing him on the back of one of the bikes.

Fuck. He was fucked.

His bike was left behind because of course no one fucking thought he might need it. They knew he wouldn’t. He was so tempted to just let his body slide off onto the road before they reached the Battery, just slide off and lay there until someone found him, or he died. He didn’t really care which, right now. He tried to move, but Mikey’s hand was tight around his waist.

“Just making sure you don’t fall off, boss. Don’t want you getting any more hurt than you already are.”

Yeah, sure. That was fucking why. Because they were concerned. Not because they were going to take him back and use his limp body like a trophy to whoever knocked his teeth out first.

This was all his fault.

If Raven lived through the night he was going to hunt that man down.

Tom fucking Cody.

[grayson-22]

Navy and Scarlet

Warnings

Sex mention

Implied homophobia (blink and you'll miss it)

Intruxiety

I gave up on a word count because this is pretty long for my writings so....imma go eat a cookie.

It was thursday. Or maybe wednesday? Oh who cares. It was close to the end of the week when he came up to me. He was gorgeous. His eyes were a dark blue, his skin was light and looked soft, his jawline was so sharp I felt like if I touched it I would get cut. He was so professional looking, his hair slicked back, his glasses pressed neatly to his face, his tie around his neck tightened. He looked so professional, minus his navy blue hair.

I had just gotten my hair done as well, a lovely shade of red, dark near the roots and a blazing scarlet at the tips. When he came up to me and started flirting, you couldnt tell where my face stopped and my roots started.

I was sitting in the salon, fiddling with my pin. It was June, pride and i was determined to go with my best friend Patton. I guess he noticed my assortment of LGBT+ pins, or maybe i just gave off the energy, but he came up to me, placed his hand against the wall i was standing against and spoke softly.

"Is it safe to guess that you're more than an ally?" There was a soft purr in his voice. My face flamed up, "uh...yeah. I'm super gay!" He chuckled, "well I'm Logan." I blushed more.

"I mean...yes I'm gay...does that mean you are too?" I asked, trying to pull myself together.

"Is it that easy to tell?" He smiles he leaned against the wall with me. I sighed, "maybe it was the shameless flirting with a stranger?" I added.

"Well you dont have to be a stranger. I told you my name, what about yours?"

"Roman." I said with a smile.

We chatted for a bit, it was cute when i told a flirty joke and he laughed. Not long after the first interaction though, our friends came up to us.

"Lo! We need to head out before my mom finds us!" A boy with purple and black hair pulls at Logans arm. I know him from somewhere, his name is on thr tip of my tongue...

"Virgil! You're Virgil Storm, right?" He looks at me with bewilderment. "Uh...yeah, and who the hell are you?" He sounded annoyed.

"Roman Kingsly. We went to high school together. You were friends with my brother Remus." I said as i remembered their weird sleepovers.

As if the mention of my brother made his skin crawl, Virgil backed away slowly. "You're...i gotta go." He yelled out, as he ran away, pulling Logan with him.

~

I was at the hair salon. It was annoying how i got wrapped up in this mess...my friend Virgil got invited to a pride parade with his ex, and he dragged me along as well.

I decided if we were going to the parade we might as well look the part, we decided on hair dye.

Virgil had blond hair when we arrived, but left with black hair and purple highlights.

I went with a simple navy blue, not the most practical of choices, but one i could get away with. I arrived after him. I saw him sitting there, chatting with the hairdresser. His hair was blonde, most likely a bleaching first.

I watched as the hairdresser put red color in, i dont know why...but i was captivated by him. I went in after him, getting my hair done before making my way to him.

We talked, i learned all the proper information that i would need to know to continue this courtship: his name, his sexuality, and most importantly...that he was going to pride.

As i was being rushed out by Virgil, who found out i was talking to his ex's brother, i looked sadly at Roman, upset that I didn't get his number at least.

Virgil freaked out in the car, "why did we even come?! Its not like i miss him...why is his brother here too?!" I sighed.

"Well we didnt have to come for Remus. We could just stay because we are both gay. If we run into Roman and Remus....then we can have a chat and be on our way." I said slyly. I didnt think my dark companion knew that i had been, what some might call, flirting with Roman.

"Yeah, you'd looove to talk to my ex and his brother." Virgil rolled his eyes. "Yes, actually I would." He blushed slightly.

"Shit...did you hit it off with Roman? You realize he's the jock type...right? He's the kind of person who would beat you up in school." Virgil said as he groaned.

"And how would you know if he beat students up?" That made Virgil go quiet.

I sighed, "I see." He said softly. "I'm sorry. I will no longer bring up the matter." Virgil nodded slowly.

Later that day, we were decked out in our LGBT apparel, head to toe in rainbows. Although I looked ridiculous, I quite enjoyed the queer aesthetic. Pun intended.

I made my way out to see Virgil, who was trying to leave with his hoodie on, but I did not allow that to happen, knowing he would die of heat stroke.

I drove us to the parade, excited to see Roman, not really for the parade itself. I think my excitement showed a little too much, because not long after we parked and started our walk to the beach that held pride, Virgil gave me a concerned look, "Lo? You Okay? You're smiling. You never smile."

He was right, i never smile. What changed? Why was I smiling when I never smile? Roman. I was smiling because I saw Roman across the way.

~

I had gotten ready with Patton, my brother Remus, and his best friend Deen. We all decided on a very fem look, and by that i mean Deen bought us georgous skirts that I could never deny.

I took the dashing red and put it on with my rainbow checkered shirt tucked in. I decided to wear sandals instead of my pumps too, mostly because this was on a beach and there was going to be a lot of sand.

Patton wore the blue skirt and a baggy crop top, pulling it together with rainbow suspenders and tennis shoes.

Deen wore the yellow one with a black shirt that read, "move, I'm gay." On the back in rainbow as well as his converse.

Remus. The revolting creature...wore the green skirt, a rainbow dildo hat and no shirt, fishnet stockings and rainbow flip flops.

I tried to ignore him, i was on a mission to find him. Logan, i didnt know why I felt so...willing to just throw everything away for him but I did and i would if I had to.

Luckily...all I had to do was turn around. When I did I saw him there with Virgil, who had been glaring at me. He probably remembers high school now. It seemed that Logan had seen me, because he was walking towards me, he looked hesitant when my brother came up to me though.

"Remus, go away!"

"But I see Virgil, wanna go say hi?!"

"Not with you looking like that."

"Better this than what I had planned before this." He laughed, "one word, mankini!" He laughed more.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to Logan, "hey...come here often?" I asked feeling like an idiot. He just gave a small smile, "oh yeah, all the time."

God he was adorable. He blue hair shining against the sun, he was covered in rainbows, deffinatly gay. Which meant I had a chance. We walked away from Remus and Virgil, which I felt bad about doing...poor guy was not ready for Remus's...quirks.

~

As soon as we left Virgil with Remus, per his request, i decided to try and flirt with Roman again. He was wearing a skirt that made my head spin and my heart pound in my chest.

"You look rather dashing." I said softly, looking over to him to see that he was blushing, it was adorable, and it was clear he was a bottom.

Then he said something that snapped me right out of my thoughts, "can I get your number?" It took me by surprise, but who was I to deny him his request? "Of course, handsome."

He hands me his phone, open on the contact page, although he did accidently switch it to his gallery that had a picture of Roman with his shirt pulled up, held in his mouth.

"Oh? I think I accidentally found something." I said with a smirk, i will admit it. He was hot. He looked at the phone and took it away quickly, "you weren't meant to see that!"

"If not me, then who?" I asked, i felt something new inside...jealousy. "Well no one really...its more for myself." He looked down with a blush.

"Well, maybe I can see all that in person soon." I said with a wink as I finally put my number in his phone. I knew I was being what Virgil would call 'smooth as fuck', was I using my ability to know what to say and when to say it to get me a date? Of course I was.

~

I started freaking out when he asked about the picture, I'm lucky he didn't decide to scroll. Although I do like how I look in these pictures, they weren't just for me...i sent them to my ex. I felt lonely, and he texted me...not that I would ever tell Logan that.

Anyway, after the photo fiasco, we walked around for a bit. We watched the drag show together and just had a fun time. It was clear he was flirting with me the whole time, and i flirted right back.

Remus had texted me asking if I was coming home tonight because Virgil wanted to come with, i decided I would make do with what I had. I was going home with Logan, if he would let me.

~

Not even a minute after Virgil texted me that he was going home with his ex, i had Roman against my car, his thighs around me. I was kissing his neck and lips, it was sloppy in the best way.

I had his shirt opened up so I could feel his skin, i was going to wait before I tore off his clothing, but it was hard.

We did manage to get to my house without killing the mood. Kissing and flinging clothes around as we made out way to my room.

~

He threw me onto the bed, crawling over me to reclaiming my lips, he tasted like cinnamon, sweet and intoxicating, i couldn't get enough.

He pulled at my skirt lightly enough to signal that he wanted to go underneath, before realizing he could just lift it up.

~

His moans were passionate and full of love, not lust. I realized afterwards that this was not going to be a one night stand like I had thought.

Later that morning I heard the door slam, realizing it was Virgil, i panicked slightly. Romans and I's clothes are all over the living room and I'm naked in bed with him, with my door wide open.

"I see you got princey." He groaned out. "Well, i guess it's not too bad, it's not like you're the only one." He said with a dark smile creeping on his face.

"Could you uh...bring our clothes in here? I forgot to grab those earlier. " I asked as I sat up, keeping the covers over most of me.

"Whatever specs." He called out as he went to grab our clothing, throwing it in my room and closing my door. I sighed happily as I look over at Roman, he looked so perfect, even after a night like the one we had. His hair was messy now and sweat covered his entire body.

I put a hand against his abs and laid back down, i was fit, but I didn't have rock hard abs like him. I didn't look perfect, even after bottoming for nearly an hour. I was nothing like him, i was a nerd, i was healthy for the sake of being healthy, i wore glasses, i was a serious person. He was perfect...and he still asked me for my number, he still let me take him home.

~

I woke up in his arms, his big strong arms. I was over heating a bit, but there was no way I would let this moment go. I rolled over to see him better. "Good morning sleeping beauty." He said before placing a kiss on my lips.

"Morning." I said in a breathy way. He was georgous, the sunlight hitting his face just right to make him look like a god. Although he was godly in bed.

He smiled at me before kissing me again. The cinnamon taste didn't leave his lips, they were still sweet. I placed my hand on his cheek pulling him slightly closer to me.

Suddenly there was a hand on my thigh, "are you asking for round two already?" I called out teasingly as I pulled away. He chuckled, "considering my roommate just keft for work, deffinatly." He kissed me again, trapping me from leaving, not that I wanted to though.

"One more time...and then I need to start going home." I said softly before kissing him needingly.

Within minutes, I'm a mess of moans and too much grabbing. It was clear I was trying to grab onto any part of Logan I physically could, and he loved it.

It took another hour to finish, and then nearly half an hour for us both to get dressed. That had more to do with him not wanting me to leave, pulling me into his lap, kissing my neck, at this point I thought I should just move in.

He kissed me, pulling me back into his house before I told him that I had to leave. He offered me a ride, i thought for a second. I decided one ride home wouldn't kill me.

~

I drove him home, kissing him at the door, normally I would let them leave in the morning, but there was something about him that was so dofferent than the others.

He was strong and confident, handsome and god knows I took it all in. He was the perfect human being. I didn't want this to just be a one time thing, so I texted him all night, and the next one...and all next week. For months we were texting, there were more pictures than words though, and occasionally he would ask me over, or ask to come over. Those were my favorite nights.

About 3 months into this, i decided I wanted more than sex. I wanted a relationship. I asked him over.

'Let me get ready and I'll be there in 10.' That was his text, sent with a wink.

'Actually. I would like to take you to dinner. Please wear something nice, i can pick you up, you can pick me up, or we can meet there if you would like to.'

30 minutes passed before I finally got an answer. ' Meet me there then. Sorry, my brother stole my phone.' I smiled and got ready, sending him the address.

We went to a fancy restaurant, he looked handsome in his nice black shirt and pants. His hair was in a messy on purpose look, still red. He sat down in front of me.

I wore a nice blue shirt and black pants, hair slicked back. "You clean up nicely." He teased up. I laughed nervously. At that point I realized that I loved him.

"Is there a reason you asked to meet at a restaurant instead of just your house? That's where your bed is." He said softly, i nodded.

"Roman, in the past few months, i believe I have fallen in love with you." His face lit up "Logan...i love you too." He said softly. "With that said...would you like to be my official boyfriend?" I asked in a near whisper.

"Oh my god yes I would!" He was trying not to tell, but I didn't mind. I was happy.

That night was celebrated with a few glasses of wine and two margaritas, as well as him coming home with me, the first time as my boyfriend.

Ask to be put on my general writing taglist!

[strugglingbeingateen]

Weightloss

Weightloss is a bitch! And the only people that can understand what im talking about are the people who have been through it or are currently in the same boat as me. So far I have managed to lose 4 stone. Im proud of it but im not happy yet.

I have been told through out my life by various people that im not good enough because of how i look and it has shaped me into a person i no longer like.

As a child i didnt care that i was fat and the other kids were thin, i accepted myself for who i was, not how i looked. Unfortunately small minded people didnt and those who were too scared to be unpopular because they are scared their real opinion isnt cool enough decided to join in on bullying me and other kids with similar problems.

As the years went by what started off as one comment that stuck in my head, became many and then before i knew it i was depressed.

Yes, depression is a word people throw around here and there and others just think theyre attention seeking but the thing is, i had been such a happy person my entire life i never thought i could be depressed and then one day it hit me.

I felt stupid after months and months of wondering why i felt numb and why i would cry almost every day in my room alone, i realised i was depressed. I remember when it happened, i was pushing away all my friends with out even really knowing why, being horrible to them but deep down i knew i wasnt good enough to be their friend and i remember sitting alone in my room like i did every time i wasnt at school, id just lay in the dark and it was like a lightbulb going off in my head and i was just like...well shit.

Im not the type pf person who likes to share emotions or my feelings and im way to lazy to hand write a diary so this is what im going for, i dont care if people read this or if it just sits unread, when i have finished losing this weight i want to know how i felt through it all, because its easy to forget.

Anyhoo, it took me a long time to pull myself out of the depression and the way i did it was i started walking, this was the start of my first serious diet, i lost 3 stone on this diet. I was getting very very over weight and i decided the cause of all my problems was that i wanted to be thin and i wasnt.

What started off as a 2 mile walk a day soon turned to 4 and then before i knew it i was walking 18 miles a day, running 1 and a half and cycling 6 to 8. ( by this point it was the summer holidays) everything hurt and i was hungry all the time because i went from eating 4 peoples intake of calories a day to 1 and that shifted a lot of the weight but as the diet went on i got tired of doing so much every day and waking up feeling and looking the same at least in my eyes, so i quit.

I put on 2 of the 3 stone i had lost and i didnt even care. I had decided that being fat was who i was and who i am meant to be. Up until this christmas, i was around my family who are all relatively healthy and i was saw us all sitting and eating in the mirror next to the dining table and i just felt lost, everyone smiling and laughing while i sat staring at this reflection of me thinking how disgusting i was and how unhappy i was again and its all because i was too stupid to cut down and change the exercise to fit what i needed and a realistic goal each day instead of quitting entirely.

So i swore, this new year i am going to lose the weight and even though over the past 7 ish months there have been bumps in the road and a couple times where i quit, i got back up and am now 4 stone lighter than i was at the beginning of the year.

I know many people have secret opions on overweight people and some not so secret, i know a lot of people who call fat people ugly when im around and i just turn to them and say ‘being fat and being ugly arent mutually exclusive’ and i watch ad their face falls and they realise that there is a fat person standing right next to them, i then watch as they struggle to find the right words to say and stutter and i remember with this one guy i just said ‘look, i know im fat’ he looks so confused, he was stunned as if he thought i was completely clueless and he said ‘you know?’ And i remember laughing and saying ‘of course i know, i have eyes and a brain, i can put two and two together just as easy as a thin person’ he looked to confused and i just remember how funny his expression was and i just said ‘i cant believe you didnt think that i knew i was fat, even if i never looked in the mirror, the size of my jeans or down, the people shouting fatty at me would clue me on’

In my opinion, being fat and ugly are two different things, i think someone being ‘ugly’ is just an opinion each person has about different people, some to do with looks and other personality. I think beauty really is in the eye of the beholder because i remember this girl who was my friend, i thought she was absolutely stunning, so perfect and just amazing and then my brother genuinely didnt find her attractive in any way shape or form, he said ‘i dont know why you think she is so pretty, she is bland and is as thick as two short planks’

I defended her over and over again until i saw her true face, not the one that you might think, she didnt take off makeup and look completely different or anything, she was a natural beauty, i mean we fell out, actually its a bit more complicated than that, i fell out with a mutual friend and no one asked but she chose the mutual friends side, me and the mutual friend just ignored each other but this other girl, she used me to make herself popular, she spread lies and rumours about me and got her new found ‘friends’ to torment me, every day they would ask me questions about rumours that i didnt even know about and they harrassed me, she just stood there and watched, sometimes she would laugh but she would never get involved, i guess she was too scared or was telling herself she wouldnt stoop that low and bully me but the way i saw it was she enjoyed watching me be harrassed and embarressed and tormented every day, where ever i went and she wouldnt speak to me when i spoke to her, she just ignored me like we had never been best friends, like she thought she was better than me. Like i wasnt good enough. I ended up spending more time at home than in school just because i couldnt get out of bed in the morning because i knew what was waiting for me at school. My mum soon figured out what was happenening and wanted me to go to the head of year so i agreed, i would but i wasnt saying any names, not only because i didnt want to be a snitch but a part of me still had hope that we would be friends again and i didnt want to hurt her. I ended up moving forms from the one she was in but that still didnt stop them, my parents started getting annoyed that i wouldnt go to school and they would shout at me and every day was a struggle. I just couldnt believe that my so called best friend of 8 years could change into this bitch. If it wasnt for my other friend i wouldnt have gotten through it.

Once i saw this side of her i no longer saw her as beautiful, i still knew people would and i couldnt deny she was pretty but being beautiful means inside and out in my opinion and the only thing she was inside was rotten and she still is. Its been over two years now and im not in school anymore im in college, the people that bullied me, some go to my college and they laugh and slag me off when they see me but luckily the girl stayed on for sixth form. Me and the mutual friend actually made up a little over a year ago and actually see each other quite often, when me and the bitch originally fell out, i remember people that were mutual friends asking me why and i said because shes a bitch and they would defend her, i have seen all of them and each one of them have appologised and said they were sorry because now they realise how right i was. The original mutual friend me and the bitch fell out about actually hates her now and i have just realised recently that these so called ‘friends’ the bitch have, dont really care and when they go off and live their own lives, they will leave her behind because they dont really care and this bitch i have heard she has no plans for the future, not that there is anything wrong with that but it just goes to show that popularity may matter to her now but what happens when there is no one left to be your friend and to show off to.

Anyway after all this i have become a better person, not the best version of myself yet but im getting there, i have learned what really matters to me and who really matters and i dont want to be thin anymore, i want to be fit, healthy because the trusth is no matter how much i want to deny it being overweight is unhealthy, both mentally and physically. The reason i know im going im going to get where i want this time is because i am doing it for me, because i want to feel and look good, not to show off to others or take revenge on this bitch.

Anyways i know this probably wont be read, but in case it is, i cant be bothered checking on spelling and grammar so sorry if its a terrible read i needed to get that off my chest

[cow3survivor]

Episode 1 Pt. 1: “Playing A Game With A Fresh Slate” - Jessica

JESSICA

chamomile

JABARI

So im a little slow with names to start but everyone seems chill and nice to be around. I hope I can find some like-minded people here 

JESSICA

Hello hello hello, it is Jessica here with a confessional. I don't know a single soul in this game except for Silver and we are not even on the same tribe. I also barely know him so it's basically like I'm playing a game with a fresh slate! It's nice because I feel like I used to have a Reputation with a capital R and sometimes that made it difficult to play the way I wanted (which is chaotically but in a cute way). But since no one knows me... I can use whatever strategy I want and hopefully they don't see it coming. I am tied for the oldest person here. Everyone is college aged (or even HIGH SCHOOL aged? Didn't know people still did that) so I do not know what we are going to talk about. My only interests are taxes and coffee, things that kids these days know nothing about! Also I am only allowed one teenager friend without it being weird and that person is Zach so I will just vote out the rest of the teenagers in this cast. The tribe wants to play pictionary later so I am going to join that and wow them all with my art skills. All right that's it, that's my confessional for this round. I probably won't even need to write any more until merge because I will be immune every round :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) I am manifesting that it will happen 

CLOUD

my tribe is seeming kinda dry</3 but thats okay im here to be insane and annoying not to win 

SHANE 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IyGBdqi4OzsqrfedJim18OWhn-K1A5Lp/view?usp=sharing

PENNINO

I'm coming into this game with the mentality of "you need to write a vl everyday, a confessional every day and communicate with everyone every day. I don't think I know anyone on my tribe apart from Nicole and Silver, who I am looking forward to possibly work with. I'm the youngest as always. Jabari seems worried about the image he gives off. Nash looks like that chatty archetype, someone you can go to vent to. Mikey was pretty excited to not be the youngest. Jake seems like a pretty nice guy. His first ORG, and with 15 orgs under my belt, I think I actually can help, but he loves survivor so he must know the strategies. I think I know jones from other ORGs, but she wasn't very active today. Or maybe I just wasn't awake for it. Jennet seems like a cool person I'd like to talk to. Same goes for Lindsay. As for Brookesia, I couldn't help but notice that Ethan reminds me of someone, I just don't know why. No thoughts on Daisy, Lovelis, Sam, or Shane. Jessica is giving me a strange vibe. She's gonna get to swap/merge, and in those later days, I think she has the possibility to become a villain. Or maybe that's gonna be me hehehehe. Cloud spoke in ITALIAN in their Intro Video and I'M EXCITED CAUSE MAYBE THEYRE  ITALIAN. Madison is someone I know from another ORG and great person, may not get to even meet her, she may get booted out pre-swap. Everyone knows Sammy, may be considered as a liability and I do too. I'm hella scared of him, but I just hope Brookesia sees the threat before I'm on a tribe with him. And then there's Pete. Ughhhhhh whyyyyyy. Bitch you can't make that show up on my screen at 2 am and expect me not too have nightmares. May be just all for show and he may be voted out first. For now, let's just try to make friends. I could just go to Jake or Silver. I don't know yet, I still have to talk with everyone

NICOLE

So? This is overwhelming a bit. I haven’t played survivor in almost a year and really didn’t think I’d be playing any more games. Yet, here I am! And it’s very weird, because I like everyone so far on a surface level which means I might be the weakest member of the tribe? I don’t think that’s how that works. I’ve been talking to Jake a bit, Lindsay a bit, Pennino a bit, then I love Nash and Jones. Jennet and I were active at different times I think so I haven’t gotten to speak to them yet but I have watched them play Toy Story! And Jabari was really nice but we talked about the weather and the weather only so uh..we are gonna have to talk more. In a big game like this you have to have the personality and active time to move forward so, I’m trying to show people I have that. It’s just real hard to do so, and also Silver...he is hard to keep up with. I’ve been hosting him for the past month and I just find it difficult to find an in to align with him on, not really trying to align with him honestly. But I feel like I’d probably do good at pretending to align with him, which is all that matters right? In terms of the other tribe...kisses all of them. Sammy? Love of my life. Daisy? Love of all our lives. Like, these are super likable people! So it’s a little worrisome to have big personalities over there, I really hope they don’t eat each other before a swap can happen. Especially Madison and Daisy, both of them have a tendency to uh...stick with the men...and vote out the women. So I’m really hoping history doesn’t repeat because I’d love to work with both of them! I feel like I’m solid if I can find a way to keep communication constant this round and show I can help out. I feel like rallying the girls and the theys this round may be an opportunity. I feel bad because Silver is doing all this and I know sammy is a graphic designer LOL Speaking of he should be working on my book cover not this game...anyway I’m gonna go back to sleep for an hour before work but I hope this tribe shows an inact soon because I’m starting to feel like the weakest link 😳

PETE 

so right off the bat i’m really vibing with Ethan we immediately found our shared love for Bowser & Roadhog as our gay dads aw ♡ also talked to sammy since we have a little history but we’re cool i really think it’ll go well this time around at least i hope

(a little later)

IM SO HDDJ NICOLE IS HERE SHES GONNA KILL MEEEEEEEEEE IM DELETING BYE

LINDSAY

i recorded this very late so im sorry if its a mess: 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/17C9vr8lGOFOx02Dg1_RrnYf4FznoVcYY/view?usp=sharing

Also to add one pennino immediately started interrogating me about people i didnt like and is generally not giving me great vibes like dude. chill it down on the aggression. you gotta make a connection w people before you start doing shit like that and we definitely didn't have one yet. obviously i vagued him (while giving him just a little bit of tea so it wasnt intensely obv i was vaguing) but dude... dont do that shit. we ain't even know if we goin' to tribal yet what the fuck.

ETHAN

Charan's Hot Confessional Questions for Leafy (Charan is my diary room buddy <3) :dance: 1. You've had the evening to get to meet your new tribemates! Who are you connecting with? Who are you struggling to connect with? How did the Tribe VC go? I feel like I am getting my foot in the door with most of them, so rather than saying who I am connecting super well with, I will say Kiki is the only one who I haven't had a conversation with. They got back from work right after everything happened, and I was already asleep, and they have not messaged me back yet today. The tribe vc was fun! I love vcs, as my diary room buddies RYAN and CHARAN know, as they are a way to make even deeper connections, and talk about things more efficiently. VCs are also a way to more quickly understand the personalities of who I am talking with, so I got a lot of info quickly. Super excited because my tribe looks awesome! :dance: 2. How do you personally assess your gameplay? Where do you think your strengths lay, especially in the early premerge? In what ways do you find yourself capitalizing on those strengths to keep yourself safe? My gameplay is 100% rooted in my social maneuverability. I try to understand those I play with, and preferably, have them as allies. Even if they aren't allies, if I understand how they think, I will be able to anticipate how they will act and react to certain scenarios. So far I hope to use my social game to keep me out of harm's way, as I don't need to be in control, I just can't be the one to go. If things go well, I will naturally be in a more powerful position as people come to trust me, but I can never be seen as going for one or being in one. Perception is everything, and on day 1, I am going for the perception that I am a nice volleyball coach with a passion for education, and I am just somebody who wants to have fun and make new friends. That is all true, and that is all I need to be! :dance: 3. I personally have 0 clue how idols/advantages are obtained in this org. Do you expect it to be difficult or easy? And does the easiness of finding idols factor into your gameplay at all? Or are you used to playing without having to rely on advantages? I expect this to be difficult. My luck in life and ESPECIALLY in orgs is abysmal. This system is rooted in luck but also social prowess, so I can set myself up the best I can socially but ultimately it is a luck-based system. I am not anticipating on finding anything this season if this is the only way to find things, but more importantly, I just need to know who finds what and when. I am used to playing without advantages, and just need to know who has them in order to adapt my gameplay to them. :dance: 4. Lastly, tell me about your day! What did u do that made u feel happy about today and what're ur plans for tomorrow? My day has been good so far! I told one of my volleyball teams that I coach about this, and they said they want to be in my video confessional, so maybe that will be coming soon :eyes:. I love what I do and coach a LOT of hours, so if I am not typing in here I am likely doing that. In addition to that, the semester is winding down for school, so hopefully, soon I will have less school work and I can focus on this and on coaching. For tomorrow I play to more deeply integrate myself socially, and start to talk game with people! 

JENNET

i fear i will not click with my tribemates... im easy to get along with but idk if these people will like me

JAKE

https://youtu.be/Q3eDyTryE0g when I tell y'all I've had it....

JENNET

I feel like nobody hears me when i speak :(( i dont wanna sound like a toddler but hopefully its just my insecurities and they do enjoy me

(a little later)

Silver is kinda... hmmm kinda weird i dont like to isolate people or be mean but that’s just something i noticed. i do enjoy having somebody that’s awkward around bc it does take the edge/pressure off me being awkward

(after an afternoon of swimming)

this is such a different experience than what im used to.... nobody really messages me like at all and ive reached out but idk-

JESSICA

Well we are here on day three doing an immunity challenge. I hope we win! Today's song of the day is: HELLO by Allie X (I have listened to it 30 times this morning alone).

So far I like my tribe enough. I find people are falling into two categories: active/chatty or quieter/a little more difficult to talk to. In category one we have:

- Ethan: One of my favourite people to talk to so far, really liking him.

- Sammy: The only person I've talked any strategy with. I really like that out of the gate he was like "hey let's not waste time, let's STRATEGIZE". Since he was the one that brought that up first, I'm thinking I might go to him today (whether we win immunity or not) and see what he thinks about starting an official alliance with any of the people in category 1 (or anyone at all really)

- Daisy: Daisy seems very sweet and is easy to talk to. I really like her!

- Lovelis: Oh my gosh.... at first I was like hmmm not sure what my opinion is of this guy. But then we realized we are both from the FB Org community and now we are hitting it off! He said he cheered for me when I played Kingdoms Collide.

- Pete: Umm I don't really have a read on Pete but he does reply pretty quickly when I message him.

And then in the not so active group:

- Sam: Sam is actually here quite a bit but I've found he's a little difficult to talk to. He doesn't move conversations forward a lot. However we have been bonding over the evil that is braces/retainers so now he is opening up a bit.

- Shane: For some reason, I keep thinking he is also named Ethan? Not sure why. Shane is fine but same as Sam; not great at keeping conversations moving forward.

- Cloud: Okay I love Cloud. They are great and I really want to talk to them more! But they are also a little spotty with how much they're online. I would not want to vote them out if we lost but I also would not necessarily stop others if they wanted to.

- Madison: She is not here very much and doesn't seem to be putting in the effort when she is. Like she's left me on read already and in the span of 48 hours (or however long it's been since the game started) we have barely spoken at all and I've had to start the convo twice. I'd probably most want to vote her out if we lost.

In an ideal perfect wonderful world, we will win immunity and that gives me more time to try and subtly get some form of alliance going. I don't want to be the one to push it directly so I'm going to try and get Sammy to suggest it to people.

Usually I find I get two placements in games: I make it to merge as a non-threat and then kill it in the second half + go really far or I play too big too fast and by late pre-merge/early merge, I'm taken out. The only times I've gone into merge with a threat label and still won, I either won every single immunity (what's up, Jordan Pines!) or I had a once in a lifetime alliance. In my experience, it's way easier to play from a non-threatening position where everyone likes you.

I used to have that strategy down perfectly but it's been a few years so let's see if I still remember how the heck you win Survivor!

PETE

BYE IM GOING HOME LITERALLY I ONLY SCORED LIKE TWICE MY ASS IS FUCKING DEAD FUUUUUUUUCK

JONES

:pensive_cow: So we get on the beach and like omg I arrive like,, two hours later than everyone else but that’s all gucci idrc ab that but IN HINDSIGHT NOW feel like such an outsider on this TRIBE????????? It’s all internal I think. I haven’t done anything to make me an outsider other than be super super busy and preoccupied but I FEEL SO WEIRD :((( idk!! It might also be an age thing tho,, Bc it seems like a lot of people on my tribe are like 14-18 or smth like that I feel like the weird aunt who lives down the block!!! These kids make me SICK!!! But ya. It’s not like I have no one tho I’m just v v sad and feel rlly tuned out of everyone’s thoughts ajdkdkdkdk but uhm. 👉👈 first impressions cast assessment:

Jabari- have NOT had the chance to pm her 1 on 1 yet, but she was on call for a hot minute yesterday after the challenge was released!! She gave Lindsay some insight on the flash game which I thought was super super neat :) Jake - I definitely think on first impression he’s trying to take on a bit more of a savior leadership type position by organizing everyone for the immunity challenge and trying to make his own quirky cute flag too, but idk if we rlly like ? Need a leader rn ? I get it’s in good conscience but it’s a lil unnecessary. I do think he’s super super sweet tho and I loved his flag :) Mikey - this boy. JSJDJDKKD I think he’s TOTALLY FINE don’t get me WRONG but idk why he was like ,,, unintentionally lowkey shady??????? JAJDJFJFK LIKE when Jake’s flag came into consideration one of the first things Mikey said was smth like “well the judges might think it’s more illustration than a flag” LIKE AKSKSKSK ITS NOT A BIG DEAL ITS A FUCKING FLAG ANJSKS I think it might be,, an age thing or just him wanting his flag to be used which is FINE but it’s a reward challenge and it’s flagmaking it’s not,, the biggest deal ankskdksks I do appreciate his work ethic tho :3

Jennet - I’ve never heard bad things ab jennet so I’m RLLY EXCITED to get to meet them esp since they’re also kinda involved w fast twitter and whatnot but I feel like they kinda came in rlly hot? Like “I’m here to play this for real” I think Is what they said which isn’t totally fine but it’s also like,,, yes. Cool. Idk what it means ig hsjsjsj idk they’re v fun tho :)) definitely wanna work w them long term

Nicole - i Keep thinking Nicole is my emotional support counselor I’m so happy she’s here but I don’t wanna strictly rely on her ya feel (I don’t think I am rn Bc I think I have at least 2 solid allies anskkdkd but I don’t want to have to fall on Nicole Bc shes my friend yk)

Nash - is never rlly online :(( they messaged me yesterday and I messaged them back but they never respondedddddddddd Ik they said they napped but! Where are u I miss u

Pennino - this boy. ANDKFKDKDK he’s the kind of person that will respond to PMs w one word sentences and then go fking off in tribe chat like his life depends on it AJDKDKKDD I don’t see myself bonding w him that well tbh :( I think in the end it’s probs an age thing but he def seems nice and excited to play

Silver - at first I loved his intro,, filled me w joy,, but when I messaged him a bit later I felt like our convo was kinda stale? But THEN yesterday on call?? Chefs kiss I love silver sm. He said he wants to work w me too so BONUS??????? YES!!

Lindsay - this is it folks. This is the one. I love Lindsay sm. I haven’t had a great first impression convo w anyone like lindsay in a long long LONG ass time and I’m so. Appreciative. We both have said we wanna work w each other and I’m so so excited GOD lindsay is so incredible

But ya have to go back to work kiss me on the lipz

DAISY

https://youtu.be/TI72H8w-EK8

JENNET

flopped the immunity comp so i fear i may be next :/// i havent really made an connections this is sick

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair. 

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME! 

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

[smurfettte]

💎✖️️💕🍳🍭😂

DOTT IM SO SORRY I JUST SAW THIS TY

Im still using sm*rf bc i dont want it to show up in the tags its annoying and im sry

💎 - when and how did you discover your special interest?

Ooh this goes way back.

Well, when i was about nine my parents first seperated (they did twice, ultimately getting divorced 2nd time around) for a period of two years, and during that time we had very, very little money because my mom was a stay at home mom for years and had to get a job too, so we basically had to cut, like, everything/anything extra that we didnt need. The best my mom could do so we didnt get a total shock on top of everything was to get us the smallest cable package possible (im pretty sure it was way cheaper back then too, idk if even that would be manageable now) where we had just like, a little cluster of channels; one of those was boomerang. I was really, really sad about loosing cartoon network, so my mom hyped me up about being able to watch sm*rfs, even though i only had a very vague idea of what they were. From there, it kind of just became my permanent special interest. My mom and i watched it together a lot since her mom played into the really strange christian propaganda of “demonizing” cartoons that was everywhere in the 80s when she grew up. She would bribe her brother not to rat her out when she would sneak-watch it on saturday mornings and tbh that would literally be me

✖ - Is there something you Dont like about your special interest?

Definitely. The author of the original comics was uh… a really sexist, probably racist and a homophobic guy. Which, really shows in his earlier works – the full sm*rfette story is honestly much worse than the concepts of her origin that were kept in the cartoon. The 80s retelling is basically the comic but heavily censored for over obviously sexist content, while still being sexist in itself (just in a way where, maybe for younger viewers or a blind eye, its not obvious at first). Honestly just the treatment of most of the female characters is my complaint in the way a lot of them are portrayed, but especially sm*rfette. She cant do one self indulgent thing for herself without it being ridiculed or often portrayed as wrong, even when shes like the smartest and most caring person in the village. Its annoying and not a good message at all.

Also, it tries to be written as insanely het all the time and just isnt. Like its so gay and theres so many moments where youre like “ppl really tried to pass this as het…bitch” but time and time again… straight people think its reasonable that an entire village is attracted to. a single person (who most of the time heavily shys away from affection from men too, lmfao…). REALLY hoping the new movie addresses that in some way thats not bad, but im trying not to get my hopes up (ive got my hopes up).

💕 - Something you like about your Special Interest?

Honestly this is a lot of things, but i would have to say?? Like. Everything, except the things i dont like ^. Its constantly been such a comfort to me in so many ways. I love the characters, i love how it was my first real introduction to fairytale fantasy (aside from disney) and its just… so calming. Some people find it boring and annoying, but for me it was so easy to fall in love with and kept me company/calmed me down during some of the worst times ive ever had. Even when some of those worst times were because people would make fun of me for loving it.

🍳 - do you have a stim related to your special interest?

In a few ways, yea! I do!

I always compare it to this, but i think being surrounded in things related to it is a kind of visual stim that relates to the old woman who wants most everything in her house to be green. Just as it makes her feel calm, happy, and energetic, i have the same expirience but i sm*rf theme as many things as i can, and collect ALOT. I try to be surrounded by it as much as possible, and it always helps me to feel happy and calm. If im not in a space where its all around, i’ll have sm*rf things that i use day to day, like my wallet, cups, things like that. It always provides a feeling of happiness and safety.

Another for a physical stim is that i have a sm*rfette themed slime that one of my best friends made me for christmas! (He made a little white hat to put over the lid too, it was so sweet). Its a glittery blue, and has lots of gold, blue, and flower shaped sequins in it! i love squishing gooey and squeezable stuff. Textures like that are the best ever.

🍭- a headcanon/theory you have about your special interest?

This is gonna be long and im sorry i talk so much, but Brainy, Grouchy, Clumsy, and Fette (so i dont have to block out the full word again) are all autistic!

- Brainy expiriences a lack of empathy, tends to micromanage more than one usually would (especially if one of his special interests are involved/its something he came up with himself) and, as mentioned, expiriences special interests (a need for worldly knowledge – especially of magic, and for papa, who he constantly seeks to impress and be respected by, no matter what it takes. He loves him and wants to be just like him, and often does things for him out of the blue just so he’ll appreciate and recognize him + his potential). He stims by chewing (probably with the handle of a wand) and by writing + drawing swirly doodles on paper with his quill pen. He infodumps, and he usually lacks an understanding of social cues; this often leads to him making “bad decisions” being highly ridiculed, often overshadowed by his peers.

- Clumsy does not quickly process information + events, his comfort object(s) is/are his continuously growing rock collection/garden that he waters and talks to everyday, he stims by flapping and jumping, and is very uncoordinated. There are often ‘simple’ things that confuse him that he is unable to figure out quickly (like putting together things that fold up - chairs, foldable tables where u have to specifically press something, stuff like that. I think its an autistic thing even though im not able to describe it very well since ive struggled w it all my life myself and i always get weird looks when i cant do it) and his special interest is Brainy. Because he is physically incoordinated and processes information slow, though people do stick up for him, he can often recieve even worse treatment from those around him than Brainy does, on top of being easily able to manipulate due to him being so easily trusting and loving. Because of this, him and Brainy often do everything together, and eventually their mutual love for each other + relatability brings them to be almost inseperable (even if Brainy looses his patience more than he should sometimes). aka theyre boyfriends it rly shows

- Fette struggles with anxiety (as alot of autistic people, like myself, do) and has hyper-empathy. Similar to Clumsy, Fette seeks comfort in her flower garden and flowers in general, often holding conversations with them. This actually is a real theory, but she believes that talking to the flowers will help them to grow, and cherishes them as if they were people. She knows the name of every flower in the forest and could tell you at LEAST 5 facts about every single one. She stims by flapping, jumping, and chewing on her hair. Fette is quick to act to situations whether good or bad, and raised voices from others can often send her towards a meltdown (in where she retreats to her house for solitude to calm down + renergize). Though she loves her friends and being with them, she is an introvert and enjoys being by herself or with her flowers to regain energy.

- Grouchy uses echolalia to express his emotions and partake in conversations, while being mostly nonverbal. He often seeks company in animals or baby sm*rf (who i believe is also his special interest) because they bring him comfort and dont ask him to explain or change who he is. He is often very distant from most people, and only opens up to being around people he feels he can trust.

😂 - something funny about your special interest?

It just made me type up like. Disorganized paragraphs when im supposed to be packing up my shit 2 go to my moms. Also just the idea that a whole village could be attracted to a single person and no one else… funnie as shit my guy

[nottebuio3006]

If she blocked me on the orders of her baby daddy or if she did it because she herself just, for some reason, can't stand me anymore, does it really make a difference? Is she a better friend if she did it *only* because the baby daddy "forced her to"?  If she comes back to me saying she's sorry and that she didn't want to block me and that it was just because Jimmy told her to, should I forgive her? And be friends with her again??

It is quite the dilemma I am in now I feel, no matter what the circumstance is. Obviously it's the case that I am thinking of her in every minute that passes, and obviously I wantto look at my iphone and see that she will message me again. I want so badly to see something from hr -- anything--even just a message saying one word. But then I am also conflicted, because now its like someone who has basically revealed themselves to be totally toXic in a way. Previously Rebecca always seemed a bit toxic, because of how depressed she is and because of how weird her life is, and how dangerous it sometimes seems, but she never seemed totally toxic. Often she was fairly uplifting. She was always there to keep me company; and I was glad to keep her company as well. So she never seemed totally poisonous or anything. I mean I have some folks in my life who just, every time I talk to them, seem to put me in a bad mood.

Becca wasn't like that, and part of the reason I'm so confused with the cut off is that I know, more or less, that I wasn't  someone like that for her, either. It was pretty rare that Becca and I fought, in my opinion. We definitely argued politics sometimes, and in the recent week we had also argued, briefly, about a TV show she insulted me for watching -- but would that seriously be grounds for dismissal like this??? In this unbelievably cold way?? For me someone generally has to be consistently annoying and depressing and argumentative for a LONG TIME in order to get a cut. And even then, when I am annoyed by someone, I will give them time. I will gradually wean them off of me. I have never just, you know, BOOM! Blown anyone right out of my life. No way. That's dangerous. No one deserves that. I wouldn't do that. But is it perhaps how she felt? That I was holding her back from a better life instead of helping her find one? That I had become too much of a presence in her life? I always made sure to tell Rebecca that I knew her kids would always come first and that I admired it. I always told her that. I always said that, whether I was her best friend or even someone she married, I knew her 2 kids were more important than anyone else. So what the hell? I dno't feel like I ever rudely demanded attention. Did I type a lot to her? Yes. I did. But I generally type a lot to anyone, and I always told her it's just a habit of mine ... "I don't really take offense if I think you're not reading them. I understand I tpye a lot." But did she, like, not get it? Had I simply become  a completely overwhelming presence in her life???

In my opinion, even if it is the case that she felt I had become overwhelming, I still dont think this type of approach is fair. At all. And the reason why is because Rebecca herself -- did she not undoubtedly contribute, at times, to the fact that I felt lik I could talk to her and confide her in as much as I did?? I mean we developed a friendship. What the hell? Isn't it about intimacy and going deep and stuff? Survivng hard times? Talking a lot? Isn't it abuot loyalty? Understanding? About sometimes arguing? Being annoyed? And also about not taking it all that seriously at times? Of course the serious comment might have some readers confused.... cause they'll say "but look at how much you're writing about it!! Aren't you taking it seriously as hell???" Well yes, I am...but only NOW! Previously I wasn't taking it all that seriously. If she wanted to talk, she talked. If not, I didn't really bother her. Though I guess in recent weeks maybe my expectations had changed a bit? I started talking more? I don't knwo. I had said to her a few weeks ago that I feared I sometimes spoke too much and annoyed her. She assured me I didn't. In fact she often made it sound like I was, hands down, the best guy she had ever spoken to. She often, without me saying anything at all, would rank me above all the other friends in her life, most of whom she felt were largely unavailable, sporadic, and not all that interested in her life story. So was she lying? I guess she was, wasn't she? Unless of course this situation is all solely because of the baby daddy and not her at all. Like why would you lie about it? And don't you think its easy to let someone know that you don't want to talk to them as often if thats what you want -- without cutting them off completely outta fucking no where? It's not all that hard to hint at something like that...just stop replying as much I guess?? But what would i Have done? I would have been hurt I guess. Just ike now. I woul have been confused and saddened as to why she had ceased messaging me. So she just nuked it totally cause she didn't wanna hear it. She probably did reunite with the baby daddy and because of that she just nuked it. He prolly bitched at her about the phone (he always hated it) and so she knew she wuldn't have time to message me anymore, and nuked it. And now if she does return shes gonna try to make it sound like he set up some ultimatum even though he probably never did. He probably never flipped out. I dunno. I rhink shes just a bit of an asshole really, I guess...and not the friend for me.

But man, what a shity realization.