#still holding myself to my high school standards which are just impossible to reach in uni

[iron-niffler]

not me sitting at my desk staring off into space wistfully thinking about what im going to do on december 19 at 11am after my last final as if i don't have ten assignments to do, a paper to write, two exams next week and 3-4 finals to study for

[bbbqlays]

This took a whole four hours to write. It’s not the best but I’m trying to be better at short stories. (Ps, do yall want a series?)

Overhaul Soulmate Imagine

In this world, you’re assigned a soulmate. But you only know by touching them. Now, You think that you don’t had a soulmate, because everyone you have shaken hands with, hugged, pinky promised, and or touched in your life, have left you with the inability to see any future with them.

So that was your mentality.

You meet a guy, a guy who is easy on the eyes, but not very ideal to agree with philosophically. You originally met him behind a warehouse where he was simply “dealing” with his associates.

He saw you as a liability so he kidnapped you the next day even though you swore to keep it to yourself. He simply didn’t want to risk it.

You had a room to yourself, he was nice enough to leave you with a bed and new clothes each day. You followed his orders, because you were already depressed that the society was hellbent on soulmates, and now everything had just gotten worse for you.

Though it was still better than life outside. You were given gourmet foods, snacks of your choice, and weekly you had flowers waiting for you on your nightstand.

It was odd, but you could never bring up conversation to anyone about it.

After about two months, you were given your phone back. And a request of the boss himself to see him in his office at 8 pm.

You agree and travel with his right hand man down a hallway. Chrono, to which was the only person you actually talked to in the building other than the child, which you knew nothing about, welcomed you in the room, Only to leave a few moments after.

Across from you was the young yakuza boss himself. He offer the seat across from him, to which you took it.

“I know you’ve been here a while. And I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m overhaul.” You would nod to that not knowing what to say, because what are you supposed to say? “I see that you haven’t really fought for anything.” He seemed to stare at you with soft eyes. “Why is that? Did you just accept it from the beginning?”

All you could answer was. “No.” He hummed for you to continue. “I just see no reason to fight. You’re the head for a reason, so that means you dominate everyone here. And also, it seems to be better in here then it is out there..” he heard all the sadness and rage in your voice, even though you were soft and calm.

He simply leaned back, sinking in the couch and closing his eyes. “I wanted to ask about the flowers...” you perked from the conversation. Hoping to figure out who admired you so. “Do you enjoy them?”

“I do, Yes. But, I’d rather enjoy them more with the person giving me them.” You started mumbling away from the conversation saying your suspicions.

“Don’t mumble.” Overhaul would look down at you menacingly and roll his eyes. “That is all. Chrono is waiting out there for you.”

It was a short conversation but it was better than nothing really. You finally got to see the man that kidnapped you, but it only left you with more questions.

Though, after that encounter you were called in to see him almost every night. Most of the time it was just to sit their in silence.

“What’s wrong?” Overhaul asked, his tone feeling genuinely worried, even when he tried to mask it.

“I’ve always hated the standards people had with me.”

He cocked his head to the side. “I have no soulmate. And my quirk... i don’t use often. So I was always outcasted.”

It almost seemed like your eyes were tearing up. “And, I tried so hard to just, fit in like everyone else by high school. But it was just impossible.” You choked on your own words and closed your eyes, raising your head up. “And whoever is sending me flowers, are going to be disappointed that I am not who they expect.”

Overhaul could only chuckle. “What?” You’d ask, sort of angry that he’d laugh at a time like this.

“Why must society get to choose your fate? Why you have no drive in life is because of society, is that correct?” You nod meekly.

He chuckled again. “It’s stupid. And the person sending you flowers isn’t going to change their mind either. They have no care for societys standards.” He tapped his arm and then his temple, thinking. “Which reminds me...” he reaches under the coffee table and opens a drawer. “I have a proposal.”

You eyes meet his as he pulls a paper from the drawer. He slides it across the table and turns his head away from you.

‘Dear y/n

I have been the one accomodating you with flowers and luxuries to cherish. To which I say you should be romantically envolved with me. It would help up my status and provide you with a better living space other than the small room you have now. I should expect an answer by tomorrow morning before my meeting at 9 am.’

“Overhaul?” You couldn’t help but laugh at the scenario, but your laughing ceased when he looked at you with dead cold eyes. “Overhaul? Is this the proposal?” She cleared your throat and tried your best to hold back all emotions.

“Yes.”

“Okay. I’ll agree.” He looked away and ran his gloved hand through his hair. “Next time I suggest just asking me out like a regular person.” You couldn’t hold back a snarky comment, but it opted to continue on a different conversation.

And this started your life with Overhaul. With this, you were given more clothes that would match with his, gifts and even more flowers and respect. You were even allowed on walks with him, even if they were all meetings or missions.

After almost a year with him, sleeping in the room next to his. He was finally comfortable enough to have a mask off around you. He was around you enough that he knew you weren’t disgusting. So, after you both had cleaned up, instead of taking you to your room, he simply brought you in his. He offered a seat his bed, dressing you himself in silk shorts and button up shirt.

You fidgeted with the buttons and when you look up, you look to see him taking off his mask and gloves, placing them on his nightstand.

“Kai! What are you doing? Do you want me to leave?” You held your mask to your face, cautious of hurting him. He didnt say anything, instead he ruffled up his hair and slowly turned to see you.

“It’s fine.” Was all he could answer. “You’ll sleep here tonight. So take off the gloves and the mask.”

You were hesitant with his request. Afraid of him breaking out, but you did as you were told. You slid off the mask slowly. And when putting it on the nightstand nearest you, you stared down at the gloves. Clean and satin, you looked over to him, as he got situated with the blankets, he couldn’t help but look at you.

He turned his torso to you and reach his hand out. You placed your hand on top of his and looked at his face in awe. He was pretty with his mask on, but off... it was a whole new feeling.

“Next time please list—“

You shivered as you felt his hand on your skin. But then your head went blank.

All that filled your eyes was flashing photos. Each one with Kai. You’re eyes were frantic, and you were anxious, but it felt... heartwarming.

You’re back shivered once more as you tried to find Kai again. This time, in the same position you left him in. “K-Kai?” He was frozen still. His eyes were wide and stuck at the same spot where you touched.

“Y/N...” you both tore from each other, you were blushing madly as you thought of each moment that played in your mind.

“I didn’t think...” You began.

“We are meant to be...” Kai finished.

[thistle-and-thorn]

my goal-setting manifesto

So recently @woodswit wrote a super thought-provoking post about struggling with the benefits of loving feeling fit and struggling with external validation regarding fitness and so this is kind of my reference guide for myself about goal-setting and the way *I* need to remember to think about it.

I minored in a very specific form of organizational management in college and a huge part of that curriculum was goal-setting. We were encouraged to make one-year, five-year, ten-year career plans, we learned how to set SMART goals, how to identify what steps were right for you, etc. Well, babies, I did not need this curriculum because in high school we had done this exact same curriculum. SMART goals, college planning, etc. Bitch, I knew how to plan my life and, bitch, I had it planned. I was a very high-achieving and ambitious student—I went after awards, AP scores, good grades, letters of recommendation. The school system I attended was very typical of an American school in that those things were the primary indicators for success and the “quality” of our grades determined our classes (and subsequently our social groups) and myriad other things. I was a “good girl” and bought into and benefitted from this kind of structure immensely.

Well. I also have struggled with severe anxiety and periodic depressive episodes that significantly interrupt my daily life and ability to care appropriately for myself. These disorders reached a critical mass at the midpoint of my college career and, after two very bad semesters (one of which ended with me getting a tiny sexy scar from fainting into a doorway), I realized I needed to make significant changes to my priorities. More specifically, I needed to examine the method by which I was defining and collecting achievement and validation. So, after much therapy (I love u Claire), soul-searching, several glasses of a very good local hard cider, I decided to write out the way I goal-set now that enables me to actually breathe and not spiral into self-hatred.

Why Do We Need Goal-Setting?

I actually think that goal-setting is deeply important. If you are a dreamer, I would even say that goal-setting is essential. Personally, I’m a planner/dreamer and enjoy setting goals. It comforts me. Getting a little organized around amorphous ideas like “I want to be a novelist” or “I wish I could travel the world” allows those things to become attainable.

Process and Product

I would say that there are two ways of thinking about goals:

1. Product-Oriented: This is the type of thinking that was taught in my management classes and is exactly what it sounds like. If you do these steps, then you will get x-result. An example of a well-written product-oriented goal is, “By Tuesday, I need to complete three research reports.” (This is true, and I completed them today motherfuckers.) It’s concise, attainable, and happens within a set timeframe.

2. Process-Oriented: This type of thinking focuses on what you will learn or benefit from accomplishing an activity. When I was teaching preschool, an example of this would be taking the kids for a nature walk or free drawing, basically doing an activity where there is no expected result. There is nothing to achieve, there is no medal. The work and the discoveries you make doing the work is the reward. A process-oriented goal would be, “I want to learn about characterization from writing this story.”

In woodswit’s example, she talks about the benefits that cardio exercise has on her mental health, how much happier and confident she is when she is doing a certain variety of exercise regularly. She also talks about how she used to do intense sports.

In this case, a product-oriented way to frame that discussion would be, “I want to get back to the weight I was when I was playing sports” or “I want to be able to lift fifty pounds again.” You will take smaller steps to reach that product—changing the way you eat, figuring out a plan for to work up to lifting heavier things. But the product-oriented way is ultimately a binary—you will either be able to lift fifty pounds or not, you will either reach the weight you were or you won’t. But the process-oriented way to think about these things would be, “I love biking and want to do more of it. Every weekend this summer, I will bike a different rail trail in my county.” The process-oriented method is less specific, but it takes that pressure away from your performance—in the biking example, the only expectation that is set is that you’re going to travel to different bike trails, not that you have to go to every rail trail in the county or that you have to complete the whole trail when you go or that you have to do it in a certain time, just that you are going to go.

There is space for both of these methods, and they are best used in conjunction with each other. Product-oriented is useful, especially in financial situations. A goal for 2022 is to visit my childhood best friend in her new home, halfway across the country. Say I want to go in May 2022 and I figure out that it will cost me roughly $2000. I should probably set a goal with steps to save $2000 by May. It’s also beneficial for the smaller steps to bolster your path to your big dreams—When I was a kid, playing piano gave me a lot of discipline and I would like to have that habit again. That is a process-oriented way of thinking about playing music, but you will probably need to set smaller, product-based goals to achieve it—you will need to select a song and learn to play it, within that song you will need to master it measure by measure.

When we are trained to reach for product, it is hard to recognize the value of process-orientation. A phenomenal example is my WIP. The story I am writing now has 3% the amount of kudos as my biggest fic. I also had a goal of updating every Tuesday. By product standards, that story is a flop. It has the least amount of engagement of anything I’ve ever written, and I haven’t updated it in like two weeks. However, why do I write? I write because I enjoy it, I write fanfic specifically to practice new skills. This story has stretched my abilities and I’ve grown from working on it. By process standards, it’s the most successful of my fics.

And in terms of bigger life things? Process-oriented is the way to go. Why? Because if the pandemic taught us anything, it is that life is not linear. It is nearly impossible to set a straight path—be it up a corporate ladder or a fitness goal—why? Because life sucks. Someone dies, you become ill, it rains, you fall in love, you fall out of love—minute inconveniences happen every day. Process takes the pressure off of your performance because you can’t perform all the time. This is essential in fitness goals because our physical state is especially ephemeral. Of course, it happens in other areas of life, too. An example: In the autumn of 2017, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever been in before or since. I could not remember to shower, let alone do my anthropology homework. As a result, for the first time, I was struggling to create the basic products—like, you know, homework—expected in my classes. That was even more devastating. Around the midpoint of the semester, I realized that product was not sustaining me and if I didn’t want to drop out or harm myself when I “failed”, I had to change my approach.

Once my classes became less about “I need to feel my Middle East studies requirement so I can get a History degree and get an A so I can get on the Dean’s List,” and I reconnected with, “I want to learn a lot about the Middle East,” the products came more naturally. They came more imperfectly, too, but I was able to complete the product because I put less pressure on making them to a certain standard. It became easier to recommit to my goal of being a college-educated woman when I remembered the why of receiving a college education. In woodswit’s original post, she acknowledges that the definition of intense exercise is different for every individual. But it’s also different for the individual at different points in their life and recognizing that intensity and success are arbitrary standards is an essential part of reframing your goal-setting as being process-orientated.

How Do I Goal Set Now?

I still goal-set and a lot of my goals could be likely defined as product-goals. However, they are all made with a long view in mind—if I set a goal to run a 5K, what am I going to get out of it besides just saying that I can run a 5K? Here are ways that I stay process-oriented throughout:

1. Goal Periods

I have three times of year when I set goals: January, June, and Lent. I will set a date on the calendar every year to sit down and just think about what I want to accomplish just in the next twelve-month period and what vision I have for myself in three to five years. No more than that.

January is when I set my personal goals and June is where I set my professional ones. I keep a spreadsheet throughout the year of experiences I would like to have. I will look to this list for inspiration. In January and June, while goal-setting, I check in with the opposing goals. So, in June, I checked in with my progression on my personal goals. I rethought if those goals were still realistic and if I was benefitting from them and in what ways. Then I recommitted to them or adjusted them to help me reach them.

2. Holistic Goals

Unless it’s curing cancer, there is no single goal worth putting all the rest on hold for. Each goal is a battle, and your life is the war. This is a deeply privileged example but: the goal of living independently the first two years out of college was probably achievable. But the effort to achieve that one goal meant that, like, six other personal and financial goals would not be met. So, I put off my career goals and stayed at home and taught preschool for two years. It meant a delay while it seemed like my other friends were growing up and achieving at faster rates, but the temporary strain of achieving a particular goal is sometimes worth it when it dominos into other opportunities.

3. Goal Bundling

I bundle my goals now as a part of my goals check-ins. An example of this is: I loved studying abroad and would love to spend more extended time in the country I studied in during undergrad. I would love to go to graduate school. Ipso facto, presto change-o, I should look at graduate programs in that country and see if that is an achievable goal.

This post is a good example of all of this lol. Why did I write it? there won't be an audience for it but the process of setting all of these thoughts on to paper was cathartic, creating a reference guide on this topic for myself when I am depressed is important, and that has to, has to, has to be good enough.

[some-cookie-crumbz]

Passing of the Torch

Passing of the Torch Fandom: My Hero Academia Pairing: TodoMomo Summary: TodoMomo Positivity Week Day 4 Prompt Fill: An evening is spent where the Todoroki and Yaoyorozu families finally have the chance to meet and get more familiar with one another. And Shoto gets the sinking feeling that his girlfriend’s father may not be his biggest fan. Standard Disclaimer: If you read and enjoy this, please give it a like/ reblog so I know if I should write more.

Shoto took a deep breath as they approached the upscale barbeque restaurant, feeling unusually nervous. He was normally a rather composed sort but this situation was not something he had ever been faced with before. After a year of dating, the time had finally come for him to finally meet Momo’s parents and, in turn, for his family to meet Momo proper. Natsuo and Fuyumi had had plenty of run-ins with his girlfriend before they were dating and even since, but this was going to be the first time they’d be having a meal together. It was also to be the first time his Mom and Father would be meeting her under the proper terms of being his girlfriend.

“Relax, Shoto,” Mom’s voice giggled softly in his ear, causing him to jump and glance at her. She giggled and reached out to gently smooth his bangs back out of his face. “If you don’t breathe a bit, they’ll be able to see how tense you are the moment we walk in.”

“Yeah, Sho!” Natuso agreed as he came up on his other side, grey eyes twinkling in mirth. “I mean, so long as you don’t spill tea all over them, I doubt you could make a worse first impression than Keigo did.”

“I heard you insulted Nezumi-San’s older sister the first time you met her family,” Fuyumi chirped behind them, leaning a bit closer to her own fiancee as she spoke. The blonde man flashed Natsuo a smug smirk, clearly unashamed to let Fuyumi fight his battle for him.

Natsuo puffed his cheeks out. “I’m starting to think that there’s a problem with you and my girlfriend getting along so well,”

“If you ever gather enough courage to ask for her hand,” Father chimed in flatly from his position beside Fuyumi, “shouldn’t that be a good thing?”

Natsu looked like he had some snarky retort ready but a quick snap from Mom silenced them both. “Mind your manners, boys. Tonight is very important to Shoto and I do not want either of you ruining this for him,” she said evenly, smiling as both men dipped their heads and let out grumbled agreements. Shoto himself let out a small, relieved breath and silently thanked whatever greater forces were at work for Mom.

Upon entering and offering their name, they were whisked away to the back of the restaurant. There was a spacious booth area in the back, where three figures were already settled in. Momo was easy to spot, with what could only be her parents settled in beside her. Her mother and she had many similarities, he noticed, in the curve of jaw, shape of cheeks and jet black hair. Her mother’s eyes, however, were a striking orange hue and more narrowed, the shape reminding him a bit of an almond. To her other side was a frail, pale man with dark purple hair. His eyes were a perfect match to Momo’s in both shape and hue, watching her as she shared some story with a softness that left him a little shaken. Her mother perked up and blinked. “Ah, Todorokis, I see you’ve made it in one piece,” she said, carefully moving out of her seat to greet them properly. “I am Yaoyorozu Miran, Momo’s mother, and this is my husband and her father, Umeo.”

Umeo squirmed his way out, his movements slow, but righted himself with his cane as they went through introductions. As he and Shoto shook hands, his grip tightened a surprising bit. When he stole a glance up at the older man, the look in his eyes was unreadable and his smile cryptic. For a moment, all of Shoto’s worst fears pushed to the forefront of his mind again, panicked that he’d already somehow gotten off on the wrong foot.He was snapped out of it as he was ushered into the booth, Mom insisting that he and Momo sit next to each other. He resolved himself to try and redeem himself for whatever transgression he’d committed against Yaoyorozu-Sama.

Which, as it turned out, was near impossible.

Yaoyorosu-San ended up taking the spot beside Momo, with Yaoyorozu-Sama taking the seat on her other side, placing him at the far end of the table. There wasn’t an extraordinary amount of space between them, but it was a bit difficult. He tried a handful of times to strike up conversation with him, only to have his words drowned out by some large proclamation by Keigo or a inquiry regarding business ventures from Yaoyorozu-San to Father. Momo took his hand under the table, giving a small reassuring smile when he turned to face her. He let himself relax and get swept up in a conversation about a recent mall trip she’d made with Jirou and Uraraka.

When he was paying attention again, their food was being delivered and he noticed Yaoyorozu-Sama staring him down, expression blank. A knot settled itself in the pit of his stomach.

As they ate, he tried a handful more times to speak with his girlfriend’s father between conversations with her, but the man seemed to be outright ignoring him. Instead, when he saw Shoto opening his mouth, he would direct his attention to a different Todoroki. He would ask Fuyumi about her work as a school teacher, or what he was to be his specialized area once he completed med school. He even prompted Father about a discussion regarding the changes to Pro Heroics in the time between their high school years and the modern era, which seemed to take over the rest of their meal time.

While they awaited the checks, Shoto excused himself to the restroom. He splashed a bit of water on his face, using his right side to chill it up and help refresh himself. He stared at his own reflection and tried to mull over what, exactly, he could have done to perturb the older man so terribly. Did he think that the fact they were only meeting after Shoto and Momo had been together a year was a bad sign? He’d heard that normally introduction happened a few months sooner than they had done, but it didn’t seem to be such a large issue to warrant being ignored. Or perhaps he was concerned based strictly on Shoto’s family name alone? The Todoroki family certainly didn’t have the most pristine reputation around. But his being a Todoroki didn’t seem to bother Yaoyorozu-San.

But it wasn’t Yaoyorozu-San that worried him. He knew from what Momo herself said that she was closer to her father than her mother. Yaoyorozu-Sama’s opinion, he reasoned, would therefore be the one that could make or break their relationship. He shook his head and headed out, telling himself that the likelihood of Momo breaking up with him just because her father did not completely approve was slim to none.

But that didn’t stop him from following after than man when he saw him stepping outside while everyone else tended to the check.

The other man was leaning against the wall beside the restaurant when Shoto stepped outside, his eyes closed. He steeled his nerves as he walked over. “Yaoyorozu-Sama,” he said.

The other perked up, blinking at him in clear surprise. “Ah, Shoto-Sama! I didn’t realize you had come outside as well,”

“I want to apologize,” Shoto said while quickly bowing, “if I have said or done anything to offend you this evening. It was not my intention and, if told how I stepped out of line, promise to never do so again.”

A small chuckle came from the older man. Shoto tilted his head to peek at him through his bangs. The other man was covering his mouth to try and muffle the laughs escaping him, a gesture he’d seen Momo imitate multiple times. “I’m sorry, Shoto-Sama,” he said, clearly his throat and letting his hand fall away. Any sense of mystery in his expression was completely dissipated, revealing only genuine amusement. “Please rise. You’ve done nothing to offend myself or Mikan.”

He blinked as he stood back up at his full height. “I do not understand. If I haven’t crossed a line, why did you seem to be ignoring and dodging me when I attempted to speak with you?”

Yaoyorozu-Sama smiled. “Because I wanted to observe how you interacted with my daughter as opposed to how you would address me,” he said simply.

Shoto blinked a few times before tilting his head at him. “I don’t understand,”

“If you’ll be kind enough to humor an old man, Shoto-Sama,” he hummed, his gaze shifting to the stars above, “allow me to explain. If there is something I observed frequently in my youth, it was the idea of presenting oneself in a specific light for a specific audience. When speaking from the lens of Pro Heroics, it makes sense. One must be attractive to the public to have any level of true success. But… When it comes to courtship and romance, I saw this frequently as well. I saw peers pretend to be someone they were not in front of their partner’s families, just in hopes of impressing them. I decided, then, that I wanted my opinion to be based on who my Momochi’s partner was when they were with her. Because… That is what is truly important, especially if you intend to be with her for the foreseeable future. The person you are towards my daughter will forever be more important than who you try to be to me.”

“The foreseeable future?”

“You two are young. There could come a day where one of you wakes up and realizes that the love is gone between you,” he said patiently. He let his gaze turn away from the stars to Shoto, still smiling but his eyes bright with conviction. “I am asking you, as her father, that if that day comes you be a real man about it and walk away as gently as you can. To be honest and upfront, to not play games. And if it is she who decides to end it, let her go with grace and dignity, in a way deserving of the kind of love you claim to hold for her.”

The request caught him off guard. The idea of someday being with someone else? FInding a partner other than Momo? He took a deep breath as he tried to sort out the thoughts in his head to something cohesive. “I do not see such a day ever occurring. The only partner I can ever see by my side is Momo. A future we are not facing together, as a team, is impossible for me to envision. However… I promise to fulfill this request, if such a day should ever come to pass,” he said, squaring his shoulders and holding the other’s eye the whole time he spoke.

Grey eyes gleamed before he chuckled, closing his eyes as he nodded. “Thank you for your honestly and promise, Shoto-Sama,”

He nodded. “Though, in the spirit of honesty, if I may say one thing, Yaoyorozu-Sama?”

“Of course,”

“I feel as if there were better ways to accomplish your goal without spending most of the evening ignoring me, thus leading me to believe I had somehow started out with making a bad impression with you,”

That got a hearty laugh out of the other man. “My, you don’t hold you back, do you? How charming to see that level of honesty from a man so young!” His laughter only lasted a bit before he started coughing, pulling a handkerchief from his coat pocket and coughing into it. “Forgive me. I’m afraid I fall into coughing fits much easier than I did in my younger years.”

He opened his mouth to tell him there was no need to apologize when Momo appeared beside them with a worried frown. “Father, are you okay? Are you pushing yourself too hard again?”

Yaoyorozu-Sama flashed her a bright smile and shook his head. “Not at all, Momochi. Shoto-Sama just said something incredibly clever,”

She visibly relaxed. “I am glad that the two of you are getting along, though I would appreciate you stay close to Mother or I if you need help,”

“Of course, darling,” he hummed, taking one of her hands in his own. He stroked the top of her hand gently before offering it to Shoto. “Now, why don’t you two go on ahead while this old timer catches up with the grown ups again?”

There was no hesitation as Shoto took Momo’s hand in his own, offering a small smile to her father. “Thank you for your time, Yaoyorozu-Sama,” The older man smiled and tipped his head before moving past. Without needing to say it, Shoto knew what this gesture had meant.

He squeezed Momo’s hand gently at the inquisitive look she flashed him, choosing to leave it at that for now.

[seiin-translations]

2.43 S1 Chapter 2.3 - Dracula and Princess Briar Rose

3. GIRL’S MIND

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Seiin High School was located on a slope at the foot of a mountain, and it took twenty minutes to walk there from the shopping district in front of Nanafu Station. That was why the height difference between the school building and other facilities was so severe. The mountain behind the school building was flattened, and the first sports ground and the slightly narrower second sports ground were arranged like terraced fields, and the outdoors court was on the slope that ran beside those two grounds. That slope was about a hundred meters long, and it was the perfect course for hill running.

The dirt road, which had absorbed the sweat and curses and vomit from thousands of athletes since founding and was trampled down firmly by them, was bone dry from being exposed to the scorching September sun. The regulars were holding game-centered finishing practice for the Spring Inter-High volleyball qualifiers coming up later this month, so during that time, we first-years were assigned to do basic strength training. Our second-year senpais who weren’t on the bench were in charge of it, but these second-years were far stricter than the third-year captains.

“Ayano! Who said you can rest!? Get up and run!”

Our senpais’ angry voice flew at Ayano, who was sitting down halfway up the slope. Somehow, she managed to get up and unsteadily meandering up to where we were, before covering her mouth with an “Urp” and sinking down again. Without giving Ayano time to rest, they scolded, “If everyone’s here, then go down now!” We didn’t even have the energy to complain and came down the slope with our faces hanging down like exhausted slaves. Ayano, standing up while wheezing, was on the verge of tears. Ah, she might throw up… When I saw that, I felt like I was about to puke too, so I decided to not to look back at her.

I didn’t have it in me to reach out my hand today. In terms of physical strength, I was just as exhausted as Ayano, but it was just that I refused to sit down out of pride. I felt gross. My hips felt heavy. Sometimes my vision would suddenly go red and black. I think…that is coming. It was supposed to be still around four days away, so I got careless. Once I became possessed by that thought, I couldn’t stop worrying about the inside of my underwear. How many more times did I have to go up? Do I wait until club activities were finished? What would I do if I run to the washrooms right after and it really comes?

…It was no good. I had to tell them.

“Senpai…”

I called out to my senpais in a fidgety whisper, which was startling for me. Though it shouldn’t be something embarrassing because I saw other girls coming forward about it from time to time, I had to muster up all my mental strength to broach that topic.

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When I told them, I was unexpectedly readily allowed to leave for a short period. Apparently I looked sicker than I felt. Because I, who never whined like Ayano did, told them about it with a ghastly pale face, and it actually made my senpais panic instead.

I was strangely embarrassed about that certain time of the month that every girl had, and even in places where there were only girls, I was afraid to talk about it. Being afflicted with heavy menstrual pains didn’t suit a masculine girl like me if I do say so myself, and I felt like if people knew, they would judge me or be put off.

“Long hair doesn’t suit Ibara-chan.” —I felt like I was letting that kid down, the one who determined my character with an innocent smile. They would probably be picturesque when they fell asleep with menstrual cramps because they were so small, dainty, and fragile.

My motto was to stand up straight and walk with big steps, but I was currently slouching slightly and my stride naturally narrowed. While praying that I didn’t run into anyone, I hurried to the club room building. I was able to get out of club activities, but my crisis hadn’t actually gone away. I recalled not bringing my pouch with me because I didn’t think it was coming yet.

It would be bad if I just rummaged through Ayano’s backpack without asking her…I don’t want to go back now and ask her either…What should I do, what should I do…

There were several boys taking a break in front of the drinking fountain of the club room building. Crap, this was bad timing… I straightened my spine that was bending forward and casually walked past their backs. As I began to walk up the stairs, feeling gravity pulling at my hips ten times more than usual, I ended up slouching again, and right then,

“Suemori Ibara-saaaan. Please show us your panties again today!”

Hearing jeering voices from below, my hands immediately went to my butt. Four or five boys with stupid grins on their faces were looking up at me on the stairs, forming a weird cluster like giving each other neck locks. Were these the same idiots who told Ayano to show her panties last week?

Should I try to run upstairs and escape to the club room? But turning one’s back to the enemy is out of the question! Or should I run down and try to bring down divine punishment to these middle school-looking stupid boys—my head didn’t know what to do, so my body was at a loss, and my left and right feet twisted in a weird way and I ended up missing a step. My legs opened wide and one leg plunged through the gap between the steps, hitting the inside of my thigh hard. This impossible dullness from Suemori Ibara of all people!

“Woah ho, Suemori’s so lame!”

The boys laughed, but they too were indeed a bit flustered. The shame was more unbearable than the pain, and tears welled up in my eyes. The pain of a bruise was nothing compared to the shameful sight of spreading your legs above boys’ heads on the day your period arrived.

And then, someone from behind grabbed me by my arms and pulled me up.

“…Are you alright, Ibara-chan?”

A somewhat gloomy voice came down. The first thing I saw as I craned my neck, half suspended in midair, was red lips and a thin chin, so close that I panicked and pulled my face away.

Kanno, with a sports towel covering his head, was looking down at me worriedly.

“Don’t, don’t touch me!”

I pushed Kanno away without thinking and clung to the railing of the stairs. Kanno awkwardly withdrew his hands, which had lost their place, and apologized as usual. “I’m sorry…” It seemed like I had refused to let him help me up, but I simply didn’t want my body to be touched by Kanno right now… The stupid boys were still looking up at me from below the railing, so I squeezed my throbbing thighs together.

“Oh, okay…Ibara-chan.”

Right after Kanno looked like realized something, he pushed me to the back and stepped forward. My body, which had been hidden in the shade of the eaves, was now exposed to the sun, and I almost shouted, “Ah!” Right at that moment…

Bang!!

A metallic roar pierced my eardrums. My heart shrank, and the sounds that were about to come out of my mouth and the tears that had welled up in my eyes receded.

Kanno had kicked the railing. The towel had fallen, exposing his pale face.

As the shaking of the metal lasted faintly…

“Sorry, but please don’t tease people too much.”

That was said by a voice so meek and subdued that it made you wonder what was that outburst right before. It was directed at the boys who had stiffened in a mass below the stairs and were openmouthed, probably having braced themselves for an angry voice.

“Ibara-chan, come here.”

As though nothing happened, he dejectedly went into the shadows of the eaves again, called out to me and climbed up the stairs. I was rooted on the spot from amazement, but Kanno beckoned to me with his hands behind his back with a “Hey” and I crab-walked up the stairs, mindful of my bottom. Kanno went straight past the girls’ volleyball room that was second from the front and nimbly passed through the outside passageway that was already narrow but crowded by the junk overflowing from each room.

Relegated to the very end of the second floor, in a spot where it was a hassle to get in and out of, was the boys’ volleyball club room. This was just my own impression, but aura of losers was leaking out from the door gap.

“No one’s here right now, so feel free to come in. I just came here to get my stopwatch because I forgot it.”

Kanno said, opening the door and going in. There was no way I could just walk into the boys’ club room and say “Pardon the intrusion” if I was told “Feel free to come in.” As soon as I cautiously peeked in from the door, an indescribable smell of sweat hit me. It was completely different from the scent of the girls’ room I was used to smelling. It wasn’t mixed in with artificial smells like antiperspirant spray, just the smell of bare sweat. It couldn’t be called neat and tidy by any standard, with equipment, personal belongings and trash lying around, but I wondered if it was because we had three times the number of members that it looked emptier than the girls’ volleyball club room. Or, maybe it was simply because girls had more stuff.

Kanno opened the door of one of the lockers, rummaged around, found something and handed it over to me. It was a rectangular object with a short edge of about ten centimeters and long edge of about twenty centimeters, with a colored plastic bag wrapped around it. Its shape, size, and tight packaging, as well as the drugstore logo printed on the bag. A girl would recognize what it was right away, but—why was it coming out of Kanno’s locker!?

“C’mon, take it.”

Kanno said in a muffled voice, sticking his head halfway into his locker. Vividly reminded of a vampire who felt safe being in his own coffin, the picture was strangely familiar.

“And please close that door when you’re done. People will think I’m a pervert if they see this, so…”

“No, you’re enough of a pervert already…?”

Kanno awkwardly tossed it at me, like he was unable to bear its weight, and I had no choice but to yelp and catch the thing that flew. Hmm, there was no mistake about it, this feeling and lightness. There were probably about twenty-four inside to use for many days.

“I didn’t have it because I wanted to have it. I was sent to buy it before…They were probably betting on something, but when I came back, the guys who ordered me to do it were getting yelled at by a third-year and it ended there, then I wondered what I should do with these… I couldn’t have anyone see me have them, I couldn’t throw them away, and if I brought them home, my mom would probably faint.”

“They even made you do that…? When was that? Why didn’t you tell me? I did warn them to stop it.”

“I guess June…? I know you aren’t very good at talking about things like this, Ibara-chan, so I thought it would embarrass you if I talked about it…” June meant that Kanno had this in his locker for three months.

“So, please, use this.”

Kanno said, poking a third of his face out from the other side of his locker. Oh, I’m saved. For a moment, I was simply grateful, but——

I belatedly realized what this offer meant, and my face instantly turned hot.

“Wait, h-how did you kn…you, you really are a pervert…”

“I am not a pervert. It’s unfortunate. It’s rather obvious when you see it, you know? I’ve been practicing with girls since middle school… Don’t girls feel tired and look sick?”

“Yeah, but even other girls don’t know.”

“Huh? Really? But even when I’m there, they say things like, ‘Do you have that today?’… You always look like you’re in pain from the twentieth to the twenty-third…Wait, today’s still the sixteenth.”

“Just wait a minute and be quiet. How did you grasp my…you know…”

The important words wouldn’t pass through my throat, and I turned bright red, my chin wobbling. For me, it was a disgusting, taboo word to even say, something that would force me to transform into an unclean creature I didn’t want to be.

“That’s because I’m always watching you, Ibara-chan…”

“So you’re a stalker, creep!”

“No, you have it all wrong! Don’t call me a creep.”

When I cursed at him unthinkingly, Kanno hurriedly added to what he said with a hurt look on his face.

“I’ve always been your fan, that’s what I meant by always watching you…ah, it does sound kinda stalkerish, but I’m not…um…Ibara-chan, you always saved me, and that’s why I’m here in the girls’ club. If you weren’t here, I would have quit a long time ago, and I might have even quit school…My parents are just overjoyed that I’m going to high school, but they’re shocked that I’m joining the volleyball team again, and that’s all thanks to you. Volleyball is fun. You were also the one who taught me the fun of volleyball…You were the best at volleyball, you were always cool, confident, someone who I could never be on par with. But, lately, I’ve been wanting something more, and, um…”

He retreated into the shadows of the locker once again while restlessly shaking his gaze left and right, and he was coughing so much that I was wondering if he had trouble breathing. No, how should I put it…if someone who didn’t know him saw his behavior, he really would seem like a pervert, but…Kanno, who didn’t talk a lot normally, was earnestly talking like he was scraping up the fragments of words scattered all about his body. Unconsciously overawed, I was unable to interrupt. When he calmed his breathing and faced forward like he had resolved himself, his wandering eyeballs had settled, and his gaze was fixed on my face. He straightened his body that seemed like it was going to snuggly fit into the locker at any moment, and ah, that was when I was reminded that he had overtaken me in height a long time ago.

“Um, I like you, Ibara-chan.”

Right after he said that while looking me in the eye, fire erupted from his face with a thud and he covered his face his hands, exclaiming stuff like “Uwah.”

While Kanno found himself in a fix all by himself, I…

I was so calm that it was uncanny. It was not the time for going into raptures over being confessed to by a boy for the first time in my life.

So it’s like that…

While I was listening, something got stuck in my mind. It was in past tense, all of it. In other words, in Kanno’s head, I was no longer an existence that was cool, confident and the best at volleyball. It meant that the current me was “something I could be on par with.” Even I was very well aware of that, but the fact that I was told that from Kanno’s mouth when I was supposed to take a little more time to come to terms with it within myself was a shock that was like having my head chopped off by a guillotine, and with that shock…

The feeling of something somewhat warm sliding down my inner thigh finally overwhelmed me.

“Ibara-chan…?”

Kanno cautiously raised his face.

The me who was a supreme existence for Kanno had nowadays fallen to the point where I could be obtained if someone wanted me. No matter how much I aimed for the top, I would never be able to jump higher than I did now, but Kanno was undoubtedly continuing to nimbly soar higher and higher at this very moment. Instead of attaching extra fat to his chest and buttocks, he would be covered in more and more supple and strong muscles.

I guess you don’t remember anymore…

“Long hair doesn’t suit Ibara-chan. You’ll look more handsome if it’s shorter.”

That was something said to me. From the smallest and most delicate kid in class. Putting a spell on me to shun being a girl and be cool and handsome, he became independent from my protection before I knew, and on top of that, confessed to me, like I was a clown.

It was now clear that the scratchiness that I felt within me every time I saw Kanno was jealousy and hatred.

“…Sorry, but no.”

Kanno’s eyes widened for a second, and then his shoulders slumped in disappointment.

“The only thing I feel for you is jealousy. You were lucky enough to be born a boy, and without using much effort, you were able to snatch what I want so bad but could never get. You grew a lot, I see… Did you know? I haven’t grown a centimeter since a year ago. My jump power is dropping. I’m gonna be less and less able to jump, just like Ayano. I don’t want that… I don’t want to be Ayano. Being so heavy and shameful-looking, just lumbering around close to the ground…”

“Ibara-cha…don’t…”

When I said Ayano’s name, Kanno suddenly interrupted me with an accusatory voice. I was irritated, wondering if he was finally going to talk to me like he was condescendingly admonishing me. I was very on edge.

I noticed that Kanno’s gaze was directed over my shoulder towards the outside hallway. When I looked back, sure enough, Ayano was standing there. She was holding a sports drink and towel, and her eyes were wide.

What did I say just now—? I was horrified at the words my own tongue wove together.

“Oh, um, Ibara-chan didn’t come back, so I came to check on her, but well, I half did it because I wanted to skip,” Ayano was speaking quickly with a shocked look on her face, and then forced an “…Aha!” like she just remembered to do it. “Ah, haha…that’s right, that’s why I’m useless. I get fat too quickly and it’s no wonder that Ibara-chan hates me, so, so don’t worry about it…”

She suddenly cast down her face with the whitish smile and spoke in a small voice.

“They, they’ll get angry if we don’t back now…I’ll go on ahead...”

She said and turned on her heel. Without looking anywhere but forward, she ran past the girls’ volleyball room, swinging the big butt I had shamed just now and disappearing down the stairs. The sound of squeaky footsteps stamping down the steps became distant.

“Ibara-chan, you have to go after her.”

Kanno grabbed my arm. I, who was frozen, jumped, but my legs didn’t move. If I took even a step forward from here, my blood will…

“It-it’s fine, it’s fine, we’ll meet in practice soon anyways, and she’ll understand once I talk to her… It wasn’t like I was talking about Ayano, just girls in general…”

Of course I was lying. It wasn’t about girls in general or anything like that. While I was blathering to Kanno about stuff that was just me taking out my anger from the ends of my prejudiced mind, it was definitely Ayano who I had been picturing in my mind with contempt.

***

When I returned to practice, Ayano, who was supposed to have gotten back before me, was nowhere to be seen. When my senpais asked me with concern, “Ibara, are you alright?”, I subconsciously put on a tough front and said, “Everything was completely fine. Sorry for all the trouble,” and despite worrying about Ayano, I did the rest of the regimen with the same enthusiasm as everyone else.

When practice time ended and the outside court, which had been roasted by the late summer sun, was finally in the shade with a somewhat comfortable wind blowing, Ayano returned.

She was with Kanno. No way, did he go searching for her…? She whispered something to Kanno, and then came to inside of the fence while awkwardly shrugging her shoulders. Kanno was seeing Ayano out and he himself didn’t go inside, just watching from outside the fence. The sports towel was once again snugly tied around his head.

Ayano first ran over to the captain, received a scolding, and then joined us as we were putting away the net.

“Wh-where did you go? Ayano…”

I made my face up like nothing had happened and called out to her, but she didn’t meet my eyes. I wondered where had she been until now—the tip of her nose was red from being sunburnt. “Ayano, Ayano, what happened?” “Why did you come with Dracky?” Immensely curious whispers immediately surrounded Ayano, and I was shut out of the circle.

Apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize… Just chanting that in my mind like a prayer to Buddha didn’t lead to action. Was I such a dawdling coward? In the end, I wasn’t cool or confident when it really mattered.

Clang, the fence shook violently.

On the inside of the fence, all of the girls’ team ducked their heads as they turned around, and then there was a sudden stir. Kanno gripped the fence with one hand and crouched down like he was hanging from it.

“Kanno!?”

I immediately ran over to the fence. I changed my mind on the way there and turned ninety degrees, rushing out the gate and went outside the fence. I rushed up to him and got on my knees, and when I touched his shoulder, it was hot—!? Kanno’s five fingers, which were still caught on the fence, slipped off and hit the ground. “Kan…” When I pressed his shoulders and tried to look into his face, the towel he covered his head with came loose and exposed his face.

The other members who belatedly gathered at the inside of the fence cried out.

From the bridge of his nose to his cheeks, a dense, closely-packed rash had emerged, and his skin was flaming bright red like he had blisters. Ayano’s slight sunburn couldn’t compare to it. The members in the front row were being pressed against the fence by the pressure from behind and blatantly trying to move back. “Hey, stop pushing!”  

“Don’t…Please don’t look…”

A feeble voice leaked from Kanno’s mouth. He fumbled for the towel and pressed it against his face, curling his back and cowering. The rash also appeared on the back of his hand, peeking out from his long sleeves. Ibara-chan, his small voice entered my ears, and I unconsciously brought my drawn back face close to his.

“…I’m sorry for getting carried away…I know, I’m a total disgrace, and I’m nowhere near equal with you, Ibara-chan…So please, don’t…don’t go saying silly stuff like that…don’t say things that will make you lose your friends because of me…”

There was no one to make fun of, but without knowing what to do, and me and the rest of the team could do nothing but stay frozen in place from confusion. While we had been told that he had a health condition, it didn’t mean we could truly imagine the reality of it, so we thought it probably wasn’t as serious as everyone said, so that was probably why we could mess with Kanno so lightheartedly.

The only one who moved was Ayano. She went around the fence and ran over to our side, thrusting me away and switched places with me, putting the unfolded bath towel on top of Kanno’s head.

“I’m sorry, Dracky, you were with me the whole time, I’m sorry, and thank you… What should I do? Should we go inside the school? Can you walk? Senpai, please call the teacher!”

Ayano at that moment was not slow and sluggish in the slightest. She was quicker and braver than anyone. As though her voice released them from their paralysis, everyone regained their movements. The third-years ran to get their phones to call the advisor. Some came over to help Ayano while others carried over a cooler box.

Amidst all of that, I was the only one who was unable to take any effective action, just sitting on my butt in a daze.

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[kinglazrus]

The Haunting of Danny Fenton

Phic phight 2020

Submitted by @ave-aria: Valerie Gray is Danny Fenton's Bodyguard AU (*can be Modern AU, Medieval AU, Corporate AU, Full Ghost AU, whatever)

Summary: Valerie knows Danny Fenton, everybody does. Youngest of the family, son and heir, future owner of Fenton Works. Notable for all those reasons and infamous for none of them. Where Maddie and Jack are the local quirks, Danny is the tragedy. And, for the next week, he's the Red Huntress' newest client.

Chapter One: Local Tragedies

Word count: 1988 | [ffn] [ao3] | [next]

Valerie doesn't know what to expect of the Fentons. She knows about them, everyone does, but she's never met them. At least not face to face. The Fentons aren't just citizens of Amity Park, they're a feature of it, like the statue of the city's founder on Main Street, or the novelty billboard that welcomes people into town. Amity Park wouldn’t be the same without them.

They send her a town car. At this point in her career—which admittedly isn't that far—it's standard practice, at least when dealing with richer clients. The aggressively middle class can't afford the car. The lower class can't afford her, which is why she does those jobs for free. No point robbing good people of their money when the Amity elite already pay her extravagantly.

The Fentons aren't exactly the extravagant type, but they're nothing to scoff at, either. On the outside, the car looks fairly normal. Sleek, black, freshly polished and so clean she could probably eat off the hood. It pulls up to her office building, stopping right outside the front doors, snug to the curb.

Valerie doesn't wait for the driver to get out before opening the back door herself. She thinks it's such a ridiculous practice. Are rich people so needy they can't open a door for themselves? With a shake of her head, she picks up her suitcase and slides into the car. She freezes.

Inside, it's nothing like any town car she's been in before. It has the standard four seats, two against the back, two against the front, turned to face each other, but otherwise, it lacks all expected luxuries. Instead of plush leather, the seats are basic vinyl with neoprene covers on top. The carpet is stripped away, replaced with metal panels. Computer screens bearing the Fenton Works logo cover the windows on the left side of the car. The small drink stations Valerie has grown used to over the past couple years are gone. In their place stands a compact computer console on one side of the car and a fully stocked weapons' rack on the other.

Valerie stares at it all, mouth gaping shamelessly, wondering what all of this says about the Fentons themselves. Are they showy? Practical? The number of guns—she counts six—seems unnecessary. But, thinking of her own arsenal compacted into thick bracers on her wrists and cuffs on her ankles, she knows there's no such thing as too many guns when it comes to ghost hunting.

The partition separating the driver from the passengers goes down. The driver turns to face her, and Valerie's mouth falls open even wider. There's no mistaking that red beanie, those bulky half-moon glasses, the impossibly turquoise eyes.

"Tucker Foley?" Valerie exclaims.

"The one and only!" Tucker grins. Turning all the way around, he leans over the partition, elbows braced on the seats facing Valerie. "Haven't seen you since graduation. Feels like yesterday."

"It was two years ago."

Tucker sighs wistfully. "Yesterday."

"You work for the Fentons now? As their driver?" Valerie asks. She always thought Tucker would go big into technology development, coding, something like that. Or become a wanted cybercriminal.

"Me? A driver? And waste all these good looks? Please." Tucker scoffs and waves a hand dismissively. "I run the computer division at Fenton Works. When I heard Mr. and Mrs. F were hiring you, I just had to come get you myself."

"You're twenty," Valerie says.

"Hey, cool, you still know how to count. That's a great skill."

"You're twenty, and you're running a whole division at Fenton Works?"

"You're twenty and you have your own security company," he points out.

"One person company.

"One person division." Tucker grins. "It's really just me and my computer. Cyber security against ghosts isn't a big field yet."

Valerie eyes Tucker, unsure how to respond. Whatever she expected, Tucker wasn't it. Now, she feels off-balance, like she's missing something important, and she hates that feeling. It shouldn't matter that much. Amity Park isn't a huge city; the chances of her running into a former classmate are rather high. But Tucker was prepared for Valerie, and she wasn't prepared for him. Childishly, she feels like she's at a disadvantage. Which is ridiculous because she's here to fight ghosts, not Tucker. But his sudden appearance has disarmed her so completely that, if a ghost were to attack right then, she would be too stunned to react.

"You should see the look on your face," Tucker says.

Valerie purses her lips and scowls, wiping away whatever amusing expression has Tucker giggling under his breath. "You should drive."

Tucker's laugh balloons into gleeful cackles as he turns back around. "Whatever you want, Ms. Grey!"

Valerie, fuming, slams her thumb on the partition button, rolling it back up. To her annoyance, she can still hear Tucker's infuriating laugh through the glass.

—

When Valerie says the Fentons are a feature of Amity Park, she really means their laboratory, Fenton Works. Don't get her wrong, Maddie and Jack Fenton are a sight all on their own. On any given day, they can be seen tearing down the street in their bulky weaponized RV, guns blazing, wearing their brightly coloured jumpsuits. Seeing them for the first time is quite the experience. You can easily spot nearby tourists by checking people's reactions to the Fentons.

But Fenton Works. Fenton Works is a monolith dedicated to every crackpot idea the Fentons have ever had. When Valerie was in high school, Fenton Works was a single townhouse standing proudly at the corner of Lady and Red, bearing an obnoxiously neon sign. Above it loomed a massive saucer-shaped structure covered in more satellites than the local news station. Back then, Valerie thought the townhouse was a leering giant. Nowadays, it's dwarfed by the massive warehouse that takes up the rest of the block.

"Damn," Valerie whispers, peering out the righthand window as they turns onto Lady Avenue.

Tucker lowers the partition. "Pretty cool, right?"

Valerie eyes the mural of ghosts decorating the side of the building. "It's something."

Rather than stopping in front of the townhouse, Tucker turns onto Red Crescent and loops around to the back of the facility. Along the avenue, the warehouse is built almost right up to the sidewalk. On this side, however, there's a wide parking lot and, oddly enough, a lush garden surrounding a pond.

"I'm not the only one who thinks that looks weird, right?" She points to the pond.

Tucker cranes his neck, following her finger, and chuckles. "Jazz asked her parents to put that in so that employees have somewhere 'calming' to go. There's a greenhouse up on the roof, too,"

Pressing her cheek to the window, Valerie tries to spot the aforementioned greenhouse, but they're too close to the building now for her to see it.

Tucker pulls into a reserved parking spot just across from the homely picket fence that surrounds the townhouse's backyard. Valerie officially has no idea what to think about the Fentons.

"Come on," Tucker says, throwing open his door. "Everyone's waiting for you."

Valerie grabs her suitcase and climbs out of the car, nudging the door shut behind her. "Everyone?" She looks over the car at Tucker.

He twirls the keychain around his finger. "You'll see."

Valerie expects him to head for the townhouse but, to her surprise, he pivots right and starts walking to the warehouse doors.

"Come on," he calls over his shoulder.

Valerie jogs after him, easily hoisting her suitcase in one hand, and ponders on what the inside the facility looks like. Crates of weapons stacked one on top of the other. An arsenal of ghost hunting vehicles, everything from their patented RV design to their one of a kind all-terrain bus. All-terrain meaning it flies in the human realm and the Ghost Zone. The ground can't stop you if you never touch it. She pictures an honest to god warehouse and prepares herself for exactly that sight when they reach the front doors.

The moment they go inside, however, Valerie promptly decides to never assume anything about the Fentons and how they operate ever again.

"Something wrong?" Tucker asks when he sees Valerie stuck in the doorway.

"No," she says honestly. "It's fine." She steps into the foyer, complete with a receptionist's desk, comfortable armchairs for waiting, and a few potted plants. Looking behind her, she sees floor to ceiling windows looking out onto the pond. Valerie could have sworn the walls were solid from the outside.

"Hey, Octavia." Tucker waves to the receptionist. Pulling a lanyard out of his pocket, he shows her an employee ID card. "I've got the nine o'clock."

"It's four in the afternoon," Octavia, a modest middle-aged woman, says without looking up from her computer.

"Time is relative. Val." Valerie stops gawking at the room and looks to Tucker. "You can leave your suitcase here, unless you need anything from it. Octavia can take it to the guest room."

"I can, but I won't," Octavia says. "They're in the Boom Room."

"Love you too, babe." Tucker clicks his tongue, shooting Octavia double finger-guns, and ducks through a doorway at the back of the room.

Valerie stands awkwardly in the middle of the foyer.

Octavia finally raises her head, giving Valerie a critical look. After a moment, she sighs and holds out her hand. "I'll take your bag. Trust me, Tucker'll be halfway across the building if you don't follow him now. That kid never looks back."

"Thank you." Valerie rushes over, passing her bag across the desk, and follows Tucker. On the other side of the door is a long plain hallway. She looks right, then left, but there's no sign of Tucker. She debates her chances of choosing a random direction and finding him by pure luck. Before she can decide, a long ding rings out. The noise draws her attention to a set of elevators down the hall on her left.

The doors open. Tucker pokes his head out. "Hurry up, slowpoke.

Valerie wonders if punching Tucker in the face will affect her paycheque. Just once. Just a small jab. She won't even break his nose. In the end, she decides not to risk it, settling on a fierce glare as she reaches the elevator.

"This is a big place, you don't want to get lost," Tucker says.

"Then don't leave me behind."

"Not my fault you're slow." Tucker hits the button for the third floor—third out of five.

What on Earth the Fentons need all this space for, Valerie has no idea. She tries to picture it, then remembers how her expectations keep getting smashed to pieces and thinks better of it. There will be lots of time to find out.

"Why Fenton Works?" Valerie asks, filling the silence.

Tucker rocks back on his heels and hums. "Ghost stuff is kind of cool. I get to pioneer a whole new area of cyber security that no one even realizes we need, and I'm not even done college yet. Working here helps me pay for my online classes, too, so I don't even have to leave Amity."

"Why? Sounds like you'd still have a job waiting for you when you graduate." She can't imagine Tucker spilling his cyber secrets to someone else before he can cultivate the field himself. Surely, then, the Fentons would need him on board, no matter how long he puts off working for them.

"Yeah," Tucker nods, "I would. But I'm staying for Danny."

The elevator chimes when they reach the third floor, the doors sliding open. Tucker glides through them without looking back, but Valerie hesitates once again. Danny—Daniel Fenton. She knows Daniel Fenton. Youngest of the lot, son and heir, future CEO of Fenton Works. Notable for all those reasons and infamous for none of them. Where Maddie and Jack are the local quirks, Danny is the tragedy.

[x0401x]

Have you watched Tsurune, by an chance? If yes, what do you think about it?

Finally managed to write down a reply for this! (Told y’all I was gonna do it and I did not give up, lmao.)

So this ask caught me off-guard for two reasons: one is that I never see it coming when people send me Tsurune asks now that the anime is long over and the fandom is inactive, and the other is that nobody has ever asked me this question so straightforwardly. Whenever I got asks about Tsurune, people would question me about the differences between anime and novel, the anime versions versus the canon versions of the characters, fanservice and ship tease, alterations in character relationships and my opinions on specific episodes, chapters or scenes. As far as I remember, no one has ever asked me what I think of the anime (or the novel) in general.

I won’t go into the novel since this ask is just about the anime (I can do that in another one if you like), but I’ll end up mentioning it every now and then because it’s pretty impossible to discuss about an adaptation without talking about its source material. Still, I promise this review won’t be centered on that.

This is actually a very condensed version of my thoughts, because the real thing would be a bible. It’s still a lot, though. Here comes a long-ass ride.

I guess I should start by making clear that I usually follow the history of KyoAni’s productions very closely as I’m a big fan of the studio. This includes reading the novels and mangas they adapt into anime as well. I had read volume 1 by the time the Tsurune anime came out, so I already knew what the canon was like. I must add that I was also familiar with Japanese archery to some degree and I was reading Zen in the Art of Archery when the anime was airing (it’s referenced early in the novel, so I decided to give it a try).

With all of this being said, when it was announced that Tsurune would get an anime, my first reaction was to worry. This surprised even me, because I usually have high hopes for any KyoAni adaptation, even the ones I end up not liking. I mean, it’s a studio filled with brilliant stars and holds the golden standards of the whole industry, so even when the content isn’t good, the quality of the animation itself is enough to make their shows worth anyone’s time. But the choice of director had me very concerned.

Now, this is Kyoto Animation that we’re talking about. In no moment did I fear for the animation’s quality. Most of Tsurune’s staff members, if not all, already had previous experience working on Violet Evergarden. And we all know that even newcomers freshly graduated from KyoAni’s preparatory school can make a stunning visual masterpiece. Yes, I am talking about Kyoukai no Kanata. And yes, I said visual masterpiece, because we also know that what these productions normally lack is the most essential part: the content.

In those cases, the one who actually makes a difference is the director. I’m a firm believer that the more inexperienced the staff is, the more competent a director they should be placed under. If not a senior animator, at least let it be a rising talent with the best prospects possible. But the schedules usually don’t help with that, so these hatchlings ended up under Yamamura Takuya’s wings.

To elaborate a bit further on why I think brighter animators should be the ones leading new packs (no, it’s not discrimination against the less accomplished, because you gotta start from somewhere), it’s because they usually have this knack for bringing the most out of the stories they’re working on. When the story is great by itself, that’s a different thing, but when it doesn’t quite reach its full potential with just the text, then the one to give it life has to be a person with more vision.

Am I saying that Tsurune is one of those stories? Absolutely. Tsurune is about archery, which is an art that is best appreciated when observed. You can’t get everything out of it just with words, and there are many things in it that people who don’t know much or know nothing about Japanese archery wouldn’t understand without actually seeing them, so the series obviously needed an anime in order to reach its full potential. But other than that, I’ll be honest: I love the Tsurune novel for its cultural baggage, the handling of its characters and its fairly innovative views in the repetitive and boring scene that sports animanga are nowadays, but I don’t consider it a well-written novel. Because it isn’t.

This might seem controvesial coming from someone who defends the canon with claws and teeth, but I’m aware of its flaws. I think Ayano Kotoko has a lot of room for improvement, and she’s evolved remarkably from volume 1 to volume 2. But volume 1 is what the anime was based off, so there was a deep need for a clinical eye in that production. One that could measure the original work’s strengths and weaknesses and balance them out by powering one up and overcoming the other. And also a certain level of knowledge about Japanese archery. Sadly, Yamamura Takuya didn’t have any of it.

As much as I admire Yamamura as a key animator and in-betweener, I believe he has a long way to go before he can be considered a good director, and I certainly don’t think he was ready for his debut when he was put in charge of Tsurune. I would rather, and I mean this in a good way, have seen him work as anything else for the rest of his career. Being a series director was too much for him. I say this taking into consideration not only the fiasco that the Tsurune anime was in sales but also Yamamura’s history in the studio before becoming a director.

This might sound funny, but Yamamura had no idea how big Animation Do and KyoAni were before he decided to join. He also was never very skilled. His in-betweening was actually not approved at first when he was trying to enter the company. He even once admitted that his knowledge of animation was extremely limited at the time, and what a time that was, because the studio was busy up to the neck with the making of Lucky Star back then. He didn’t know left and right, basically, and he recalled in an interview from last year that he is still surprised the studio actually hired him.

Despite all of this, Yamamura joined the company with the intention of becoming a director. While he did manage the feat in the end, it took him +10 years and a few frustrated attempts. Animators usually start out at in-betweening and earn other positions through passing exams. Yamamura failed his first exam to be key animator, only managing to pass half a year later. He also failed his first exam to become a director. At his second attempt, one of their colleagues even suggested that maybe he should stay a bit longer as a key animator, and I couldn’t agree more. While he did pass the test, I can only bring myself to think that he did so with an average score.

Now, I did say that this info came from a 2019 interview, when the Tsurune anime was already over. But they weren’t really what shaped my opinion on Yamamura regarding his direction. It was the anime itself. But this interview served to confirm something I had already noticed from his tragectory to series direction: with him being in the studio for so long and having worked on so many titles, it was weird to me that he was rarely an episode director in comparison to key animation and in-betweening. Episode direction is a step that I consider crucial for one to become either series director, animation supervisor or series composer. I do know that quite a few directors take just as long as he did or even longer to debut and actually do thrive in the end, but observing Yamamura’s work always gave me the impression that he was better off following decisions made by someone else rather than making his own.

Yamamura also loses points with me in that he’s backed up within the company by Kawanami Eisaku, another director who doesn’t get rave reviews on his works. He’s the one who replaced Utsumi Hiroko after she migrated to Mappa, and ever since he took over the Free! franchise, its sales decreased to less than 1/3 of each of the first two seasons separately. I personally don’t like that he seems to look down on Utsumi despite his lack of success in inheriting her legacy, but leaving this aside and focusing only on his skills, I’m not fond of directors who opt for simplistic approaches in general. I think animation is a medium that should be used to amplify the appeal of the source material, not water it down. It also feels like these kinds of directors are always trying to play safe, which (they don’t seem to realize) goes against the audience’s expectations and kills the hype. It strikes me as cowardly, to be frank. I also don’t like when they ignore what the characters had been building up and simply retool them to their own tastes. I was praying that Yamamura would be different from this bad example, but turns out he was actually worse.

I got a really bad feeling when the anime PVs of Tsurune were released. My very first impression was that Yamamura was still too much of a beginner and he wouldn’t be able to make Tsurune into a successful anime. I know this might seem like an exaggeration, but here’s the thing: ever since KyoAni started making its own titles, I’d never seen lack of hype for their upcoming works. Ever.

Until Tsurune.

Every time a PV of a KyoAni show comes out, people go crazy. It’s not always a frenzy like it was with Free! in its heyday or Violet Evergarden when the novel commercials were the only pieces of animation we had of it, but there’s usually lots of debate and speculations going on. With Tsurune, almost no one cared. You’d see next to nobody talking about it save from a few people on Reddit. And honestly, why should they bother? It didn’t seem promising at all. Didn’t show much of the characters or the story’s premise, didn’t highlight any particularly interest aspect of the plot and didn’t leave any impression animation-wise. It was very bland, to say the least. Unfortunately, so was the anime series.

It might be blunt of me, but my overall evaluation of Tsurune is that it was a really boring show. Nearly all elements that made the story and characters interesting were either taken out or squeezed into a cookie cutter mold, cliche version of what they looked like they were going to be at first but turned out not to be in the novel. And I say this because one of the things that make Tsurune a good novel is how it turns stereotypes upside-down. It introduces the readers into what seems like is going to be a typical sports shounen and starts out describing the character archetypes in the most common ways possible and puts them in the most common situations possible, then it reverses them all. That’s what’s most charismatic about the books. It’s what incites actual character development and gives us different sides of each relationship, yet the anime makes no use of it.

The anime also hardly makes any use of all the mystic, Zen and lowkey folklore-ish veils of the novel, which are supposed to add up to the archery elements. The Zen part is actually essential since Japanese archery is fundamentally a Zen form of art. Yes, art. Japanese archery is, in fact, not a sport. This is one of the aspects that elevate Tsurune above other works of the sports genre: it’s only categorized as such because it can’t fit anywhere else, but it’s not really a sports novel. That could have elevated the anime to the same status too, if only the studio hadn’t treated it like a sports one. But they made that mistake.

Still, I think the biggest sin in this adaptation was to try to cling to tropes that are considered successful and ignoring the characters’ personalities, which didn’t match these tropes at all, resulting in both characters and bonds being utterly destroyed and the flow of the story slowing down to a slug pace. By the second half of the anime, literally either nothing interesting happens or the things that were supposed to be interesting don’t hold the audience’s attention enough, which the animators attempt to cover up with queerbait. Everything is so tediously predictable that I’ve seen countless comments from the Japanese side of the fandom about how similar the Tsurune anime was to Free! and how “KyoAni only ever makes male characters like that, don’t they”. They were referring to Seiya and his weird jealousy, by the way. Even first-timers could tell that the characterization was a disaster.

The sad thing is, they were right. The Tsurune anime really did feel highkey like a Free! copycat in the characterization department. The main character is always getting swung about by everyone around him. The best friend is very clearly co-dependent. The deuteragonist is revealed to be bitter because of a deceased relative and is an asshole to the rest of the main cast for a good portion of the series. The rival from the other school is rude as hell for no reason and he’s got annoying groupies on his team who don’t exist outside of idolizing him. There are only four female characters and they have almost no screen time. And the list goes on.

As for the animation itself, I would like to say that it was perfect, but what really rang the alarm in my head was the many beginner mistakes so evident here and there, such as missing frames, the opening theme starting out of nowhere, the colors of the background often being too bland, lack of movement or scenes where the characters are too static, etc. I shit you not that when I saw the title splashing onto the screen all of a sudden in the initial ten seconds of episode one, the first thing I thought was, “This won’t sell well”. Sure enough, it didn’t.

So there you have it. I didn’t like the show. The only things I enjoyed were the archery scenes and the soundtrack. The rest simply didn’t do justice to the original work. I hope this summary has explained why, but if you want more info on it, maybe visit my Tsurune tag. You’ll find me elaborating more on particular topics in response to similar asks. Or you can send me other questions if you feel like.

That’s it!

[mystarmyangel]

[FULL TRANS] YoonA – The Big Issue Korea Issue #227 Interview

SNSD is a representative girl group that rewrote Korea’s music industry structure. As the center of the group that stood at the top for more than 10 years, it is not an easy thing to bear the burden of a celebrity. Carrying the weight of the name ‘SNSD YoonA’, YoonA is also consistently working hard be it acting, hosting or variety shows, even receiving positive comments like ‘I am watching because of trustable YoonA’. When you search YoonA, you will realize there are related terms such as ‘SNSD center’, ‘flower deer’, ‘smile’, lately there is also other related terms popping out such as ‘All-round worker of Hyori’s Homestay 2’, ‘Huge success of movie EXIT’ etc. Even though she looks like she can do anything, and everything looks easy for her, but in actual fact, YoonA will always train herself each time she tried new things so as to be able to do her very best. Looking back, what YoonA’s position is, is already meaningless as YoonA, is just the YoonA that we love.

Q: How do you spend your time after shooting for ‘EXIT’ ended? I took a really good rest. I tried things that I couldn’t try in the past due to work. Recently I have been making bread at home. Isn’t Dalgona Coffee very popular lately, but I did not feel like trying it because it seem like everyone are doing it, so I was thinking if there are anything else I can do, and I went to browse on YouTube and began to make bread. Actually, when I was in junior high, I took up 2 years of biscuit and bread making class for my special module. (Laughs) Because I made bread for 10 to 20 times every year, so the result turns out good just by following the recipe. The food that I made most are cookies, pizza bread, pecan pie and chiffon cakes etc., and I will share them with people around me. Ah, also I recently took a Chinese exam called HSKK and has passed the intermediate level, it is an exam that tests on the speaking ability. Initially I only want to know where my standard is, but fortunately I passed.

Q: You received awards at The Blue Dragon Film Awards, Buil Film Awards, Women in Film Korea Festival etc. with the movie ‘EXIT’ which attracts more than 9.4m moviegoers. Your first leading movie receives huge success. Looking back after a year has passed, what kind of meaning does ‘EXIT’ has for YoonA? Realistically looking, it is indeed a huge success for my first leading movie. I feel really blissful and thankful to receive so much love. It is definitely a project that I will never forget because of how much love I receive right from the start.

Q: Do you still keep in contact with the staffs after ‘EXIT’ ended? Yes, I did. We had a gathering during the end of last year, this year we intended to gather again but because of COVID-19, we have to maintain social distancing, so this gathering has yet to be able to fulfil. Also, everyone are busy with their individual filming so picking a time is not easy. Jo Jung Suk oppa recently also just wrapped up a drama filming, so when the time comes that the COVID-19 situation has become a lot better, we will be able to gather.

Q: In the movie, there are a lot of action scenes that requires body strength, but you did really well. YoonA is well known in SNSD to have excellent dancing skills, but do you workout or do body training often? I wanted to do it more often but has not been able to do. I really hope that I can consistently persist on working out. Currently I am doing Pilates, and also because I have been dancing regularly in the past, so they have become useful when it comes to using my body (for action scenes in the movie)

Q: It seem that occasionally you will do dance covers too right? Every year when I hold birthday party with fans, I will do dance covers as surprise stages for them.

Q: 30 May is coming soon; do you have any plans on how to spend your birthday? I have many work schedules. (Laughs) There is a schedule that I specially add for birthday. May suddenly got busier as my schedules started increasing with the thought of hoping that my fans would like it. (Laughs) Although I couldn’t hold a birthday party this year due to various circumstances, but I think there will be other ways for me and my fans to communicate. As it is the one day in a year that I can officially communicate my fans, I am really looking forward to it. Just like being the cover girl of ‘Big Issue’ is also a way of communicating with fans, so when I thought of what meaningful thing I can do, I came up with this suggestion to you all. It is gift for my fans.

Q: You have spent your 10s and 20s doing all sort of performances and participating in variety shows etc. as a member of SNSD. How do you picture your 13 years as a celebrity? I was really busy. It feels like time passed by really quickly. But when I looked back now, I will realistically realize that I have really received a lot of love. I have also notice that my mentality and values have also changed when I reached 30 years old. This is probably the process of becoming an adult. I began feeling light-hearted too. Recently my friends have been calling me ‘Benjamin’ just like the lead in the movie ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’. My time and that of my friends are completely opposite. (Laughs) My friends are currently all working, and busy living as the new students of the working society. On the contrary, I am busy when I was young, and right now I am beginning to have more free time. The feelings I felt in my youth, my friends are only feeling that now, and all the feelings I have in my daily life now are all a past experience for my friends.

Q: Are you satisfied with your life right now? Although my life right now is really good already, but I feel that my life next year will be even better. I am like this, always thinking that this year is better than last year, so compared to this year, the next year will be even better.

Q: For the edition of Big Issue that you will be gracing the cover, coincidentally there will be a birthday support by your fans that will be published in the same edition. Do you know this beforehand? Really? I didn’t know of it. There are a lot of people around me who knows ‘Big Issue’ so I thought it will be great to be on the cover, this is really great.

Q: Every year, your fans hold a lot of activities to celebrate your birthday, there are events like photo exhibition to feature YoonA over all this time and then donating the proceeds to charities, Chinese fans also built a school under YoonA’s name. I am really grateful to my fans, and I think doing all these are great. Even though I think it will be great too if I personally do it myself but seeing my fans who support me coming together to do good deeds under the ‘name of my fans’ and at the same time I can feel their love for me, I am really thankful. My fans have really beautiful hearts and they are really kind. They are sending out positive energy among them to live with a pretty heart.

Q: You are selected as a celebrity who does a lot of good deeds and who speaks well. Donating, supporting and volunteer works… recently you also donated to the fight against COVID-19. Is there any turning moment that results in your consistency in participating in social contribution works?Once you start doing good deeds, you will realize that many other things will come to your sight. Whenever concerning matters happen, I wanted to express my heart for all the things. As time passes, I will realize activities like this become a lot. I think that it is a little hard to continue in the beginning, but once you start, you will be able to look at things from multiple perspectives, so the next step will not be difficult. I often ponder on what I can do, ways that I can express my heart. Just like what everyone have been saying,  one should give as much as what you receive, it is a good thing, giving is more blissful than receiving. (Laughs)

Q: What new things are you trying these days? These days, the time I spent at home become a lot more, so I will often change the decorations in my house. Recently I am into DIY interior renovation, so I personally painted a side of wall in my house. It is really fun. I also change the layout of my furniture. Because I tried painting one side of the wall, I feel that it is not impossible to paint all of them, but on the other hand I feel that this is enough. I have successfully changed my mood.

Q: Everyone know that your next project is a JTBC drama called ‘Hush’ that is estimated to air in the latter half of the year. Can you tell us something about the role Jisoo that you will be playing in the drama? Jisoo will appear as a reporter in the drama, she has a righteous personality. In this aspect, she has something in common with Eui Joo in ‘EXIT’.

Q: Is YoonA also the righteous type? Well, rather than saying I am the righteous type, I think I am more of the loyal type. When SNSD members have individual activities, I will go down personally to cheer for them during the broadcast of music shows, and I also like to take care of the people around me. Although I did these things because I wanted to, but I often been called loyal because of these things.

Q: Because of ‘Hyori’s Homestay 2’, YoonA as an ordinary person has become well known for her carefree charms. Taking the initiative to get close to the guests, and how you treated people kindly have left a deep impression. I am originally shy by nature, but I changed a lot due to work. When I was young, I disliked it even when someone touched me after telling me ‘I will help to do your hair’, I am quiet and don’t really talk much, although I do get along very well with people I am already close with. So, I often hear things like I am hard to get close to or I look cold. But as I get to meet more people for the first time, and then getting along together, my personality changed a lot too. Although I am able to relax and chat with the guests on ‘Hyori’s Homestay 2’, but after watching the show, I did notice there are still some sense of awkwardness that happen because of moments where I was too shy and did not know what to do, but the others told me that they can’t tell, I feel amazed too.

Q: Your activities lately all receive positive comments. It seem like you are really an all-round celebrity that can do everything well. Even though it’s embarrassing to say it like this, but it really does seem like I have been doing all fields of work from the past to now. Hosting, singing, acting, variety shows I did all of them. I am not the type to always fix a goal and then make my moves, rather, I am the kind that will do my best in things that I can be satisfied with at any moment. I do not want to have regrets thinking that I should do better then when I look back in the future, so I will always want to do my very best. So, it seem like all these gradually come together to come out with many fruitful results. When I was young, I often have regrets towards many matters, and then I came to realize that it is impractical to feel regretful over things that I cannot change, so I will try my best now and my sense of satisfaction also increase.

Q: SNSD is a name that is still very influential. The other members are also active in different fields, what kind of meaning do the members have for you? They are people that I am always comfortable with no matter when. We met when we are in our 10s, we spent our 20s to 30s together, we walked together for the first half of our life. That are things that words can’t describe. There are people around us that are envious just by looking at us.  

Q: There are many hoobaes or fans that like you and pick you as their role model. Can you give some advice and encouragement to the females in their 10s and 20s? First of all, I am really thankful that people think of me like this. Whenever I heard people picking me as their role model, I want to meet him/her. It feels amazing to be thought of as a role model. Because I also had someone as my role model before, so I can understand how it feels. There are many things I wanted to say… because I am a celebrity you might feel that I am someone who is distant and probably think that I am living another kind of life, but I want to say is, actually I am very ordinary, I am also a normal person. I also wish that you guys will not think too deep and too much in all the matters, as you live, everyone will definitely have their own kind of problems, the worst scenario that you had in mind will not happen. But once you keep thinking, you will continue digging and getting stuck in it, so I hope that you all will reduce worrying thoughts like this.

Q: This is a really great advice. Please tell us your thoughts of working with Big Issue today, and on Big Issue’s upcoming 10th anniversary in July.  Congratulations on the 10th year anniversary. I feel that to be able to persist on one thing for 10 years is a great feat. This is also what SNSD heard when we celebrate our 10th year. I think that it is really very cool for one to maintain in one position for 10 years. I felt really happy to be able work together on the same year as Big Issue’s 10th anniversary, I hope that me gracing this edition’s cover can become the most unforgettable edition. (Laughs) I will continue supporting this magazine.  

Cr: Chinese Trans by 黄黄 & 初夏 (Limyoonabar) Eng Trans: mystarmyangel

[mongrel-eyes]

Everything I Read in 2019

In total, I read 45 books of my own accord in 2019, and there were probably about one-fourth as many that I started but never ended up finishing. A loose goal for myself (which I formed in the later half of the year as I realized that I had read quite a lot) was to reach 52 books so that I would effectively have one book per week of the year. That obviously didn’t happen, but it’s not something I feel was of great importance. Last year, I read 10 books (I think I may have read a few more than that, but I don’t remember). That was more than all the books I’d read in the past 7 years added together. The past decade has been a rollercoaster, but this final year has brought something of a conclusion, closure, and some healing. It’s the end of one novel of my life - time for the next.

2019 Booklist

The Slow Regard of Silent Things // Patrick Rothfuss

I have read all of the books published for The Kingkiller Chronicle thusfar; however, The Slow Regard of Silent Things honestly trumps both The Name of the Wind and The Wise Man’s Fear for me (and I do not say this lightly because I think both novels are fantastic, and I was practically drunk and grinning from ear to ear after reading “A Silence of Three Parts” for the first time). Auri’s quirks and the way she sees and moves through the world is nearly identical to what I have experienced for much of my life. The first time I read this book, I wept because I saw myself so vividly written in its pages. Though it is short, and I think many would deem it as not particularly exciting or significant, I understand it very deeply. As Rothfuss writes in his end letter: it is not a normal story for normal readers; it is a story for the storytellers and the dreamers.

The Magician’s Nephew // C.S. Lewis The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe // C.S. Lewis The Horse and His Boy // C.S. Lewis Prince Caspian // C.S. Lewis The Voyage of the Dawn Treader // C.S. Lewis The Silver Chair // C.S. Lewis The Last Battle // C.S. Lewis

I grew up reading C.S. Lewis’s stories of Narnia. One of my earliest memories is of listening to an audiotape recording of The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I remember exactly where I was in this memory, and the exact sentences of the book being read to me through the car speakers. Narnia has always and will always hold a special place in my heart, and it was good to visit again after such a long time away. Thanks to a variety of health problems which had all but wiped out my long-term personal memories, I remembered only an echo of the enchantment of these books, and when I picked them up again early in the year, I was not disappointed.

Educated // Tara Westover

Educated was a hard book for me to read. It was raw and powerful, and I know a fraction of the pain and circumstance Westover describes. In one portion of the book, she writes that believing you are not hurt is sometimes the way in which abuse hurts you the most. I understood that, and by the end I felt so proud of this strong young woman who challenged her entire world. It wasn’t always pretty or heroic (oftentimes it was ugly and lonely), but it was true.

Bridge to Terabithia // Katherine Paterson

I grew up 10 miles away from the small town which served as the inspiration for Lark Creek. It has been a powerful and significant story in my life from the time I first read it early in 2009. Again, due to failing memory, I only recalled an echo of what it really was. One spring morning, I walked outside, hung in my hammock and didn’t budge until I had read this book from cover to cover. It was like reuniting with a very old friend.

Mortal Engines // Philip Reeve

I became interested in Mortal Engines because of the trailers for the upcoming film that kept showing up for me in Spotify. I was thoroughly warned by the internet to steer clear of the film (I still would like to see it at some point, but I don’t have high hopes), but my friend highly recommended that I read the book. I actually listened to the audiobook recording from Hoopla. Barnaby Edwards is a brilliant narrator, and I loved every minute of it. It was not the kind of story that struck me to my absolute core (personally), but it was powerful and captivating all the same.

Where the Forest Meets the Stars // Glendy Vanderah

I picked up this book because I liked the title, nothing more. It turned out to be a beautiful story of the making of a beautiful family (it also made for a beautiful hardcover). It was unfortunately triggering at one point, but despite that I enjoyed the story and the characters and the cleverness crafted into Ursa’s character.

Perelandra // C.S. Lewis

In the Fall/Winter of 2018, I listened to Out of the Silent Planet on my commutes to and from school. Many years ago (I can’t even remember how long), I had read Out of the Silent Planet but had quite forgotten anything about it other than that the main character’s name was Ransom. After returning to it at the end of last year, I listened to Perelandra in late May. Out of all of books in the Space Trilogy, I found this one to be the slowest and least interesting. However, that is not to say that I did not enjoy the book. Lewis’s descriptions of the world on Venus were riveting and vivid, and listening to and analyzing the debate/war between Ransom and Weston was of particular interest and importance to me.

That Hideous Strength // C.S. Lewis

Following Perelandra, I immediately listened to That Hideous Strength. It surprised me later to learn that this third installment of the Space Trilogy was received with the least positive appraisal of the three. I found it to be my favourite of them all. I see many echoes between this fiction and the reality which we face, and that was somewhat intriguing, frightening, and comforting all jumbled together. I have a theory (or more accurately, a hypothesis) which I refer to as “the mortal gods.” I won’t go into any details of it here, but I felt in That Hideous Strength that C.S. Lewis understood my mortal gods. He just called them by different names.

Night Flights // Philip Reeve

I listened to this book on Hoopla, and though it was short I thoroughly enjoyed learning more about the character of Anna Fang. This story provides details on how she rose to become the notorious Wind Flower plaguing the cities from Mortal Engines.

I Rode a Horse of Milk-White Jade // Diane Wilson

I first read this book when I was younger than 9 years old. Even back then, I loved this book, and when I returned to it this year, I loved it again. I had not even touched it for over 10 years. When I was very young, I had a great respect for the Mongolian nomads; and, of course, since this book brought those people to life, it became and is very special to me.

The Bible (English Standard Version)

Though I was raised in a religious household, I had never actually read the Bible from cover to cover (although I had read the majority of it in bits and parts throughout my life and been lectured on it for countless hours). It took me 3 months to slog through it, but in the end, it wasn’t just slogging. I found that if I put aside everything I thought I knew about this book and read it as if it was historic mythology instead of whatever rigid, legalistic stories and verses I had been led to believe it was when I was younger, it came alive in the way the story of Icarus comes alive every time you read a new rendition or see a new painting. C.S. Lewis described it as “true myth,” and I am inclined to believe that approaching it as “myth” is perhaps the most accurate of all the different ways in which I see people trying to describe or understand it and failing in their attempts to squash a god (seriously, the thought of a god in and of itself is mind-bending if you really stop to think about it) to fit into the tiny boxes of their mortal lives.

The Wanderer’s Journal: A Journey Through the Heart of Hallownest // Kari Fry & Ryan Novak

Saying I loved the game Hollow Knight is an understatement. Of course, when Fangamer announced they would be publishing a wanderer’s journal in collaboration with Team Cherry, I had to read it. I’ve always loved field guide-esque books (specifically, Dragonology), so of course I was especially delighted while reading the journal.

The Hobbit // J.R.R. Tolkien

Previously, I had only listened to The Hobbit as an audiobook. Once. That was over 10 years ago (probably closer to 13 or 15 years). This summer, I finally read the words written on the pages myself. Middle Earth is home to me, and it was good to be home.

The Book of Three // Lloyd Alexander The Black Cauldron // Lloyd Alexander The Castle of Llyr // Lloyd Alexander Taran Wanderer // Lloyd Alexander The High King // Lloyd Alexander The Foundling // Lloyd Alexander

I remember I was in the car with my mom and sister on the way to Nowhere one day. I was reading a book of my own in the back (I have a vague recollection that it might have been from the Redwall series by Brian Jacques) when my mom announced that she had a new series from the library that she wanted us all to listen to together in the car. Initially, I was annoyed because my mom did not always pick out the most interesting of books (there had been occasions where I was bored to tears when she picked something), but I grudgingly gave in. Of course, it was The Prydain Chronicles. I returned to these books this summer and barreled through them within two days (during which I had been excused from work with a doctor’s note due to a curious situation). Middle Earth is home, but Prydain (alongside Narnia) has to be a close second.

Native American Myths // Diana Ferguson

I have held great respect and admiration for the Native Americans and their cultures for as long as I can remember. Over the years, I’ve read books on Norse, Welsh, English, German, Greek, Egyptian, and Sumerian mythology; however, finding good books on Native American mythology seemed almost impossible (at one point I did find a book of Native American myths centered around Raven in a used bookstore but it was 60USD, and while I did want it very much, I was a poor student who couldn’t afford expensive second-hand books). Ferguson’s compilation of myths was fascinating to read. Some of the stories I had heard echoes of before in various places, but Ferguson also provided anecdotes and insights of how these myths were woven into the Native American tribes and cultures. Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed learning even a little bit more about these people whom I have admired since I was a small child.

The Fellowship of the Ring // J.R.R. Tolkien

[ See The Return of the King ]

The Remarkable Journey of Prince Jen // Lloyd Alexander

I started out reading this story expecting it to be one thing, but it turned out to be something else entirely. I had read it before a long time ago and gotten it mixed up with a different story I have been able to vaguely recall but unable to find for 10 years and counting. Jen’s story is captivating and lovely in its own right – simple and enchanting, like a dandelion wish.

The Two Towers // J.R.R. Tolkien

[ See The Return of the King ]

Tolkien and Lewis: The Gift of Friendship // Colin Duriez

Despite having read the vast majority of Tolkien’s literature and a good amount of Lewis’s, I had never read a biography of either of them. I found this biography addressing both authors and their unique friendship. I enjoyed learning more about both of them and how their relationship formed and affected each other’s work.

The Return of the King // J.R.R. Tolkien

[Unlike Narnia and Prydain, I felt I couldn’t lump the titles of The Lord of the Rings together and still maintain the chronological list; therefore, the first two titles received no paragraph, but here is a summary for all three.]

In lieu of how easy it is to just watch Peter Jackson’s film adaptations, it’s easy to forget how deep and rich Tolkien’s writing really is. I can say this with honesty and without judgement, because I forgot too. Relearning the depths of Tolkien and rediscovering why I came to love and live and breathe Middle Earth in my childhood in the first place was powerful and healing for me. If you’ve only watched the movies, you’re honestly really missing out. Yes, Tolkien loves to talk about plants and trees and forests to no end, and maybe that’s not your thing and that’s okay; however, these stories are pure magic – tried and true.

The Raven Boys // Maggie Stiefvater The Dream Thieves // Maggie Stiefvater Blue Lily, Lily Blue // Maggie Stiefvater The Raven King (+Opal) // Maggie Stiefvater

I had tried to listen to The Raven Boys on Hoopla earlier in the year and become bored to tears – the narrator was just that bad and I felt the whole thing was just doomed to become a terrible love polygon. Several months later, a friend encouraged me to give it another try. I did (this time reading it straight from the page), and I was delightedly surprised. I had heard of The Raven Cycle for years but been too scared to pick it up (honestly, love polygons can be terrible things), but I’m glad that this year I finally did.

Carry On // Rainbow Rowell

I heard of Carry On while in the midst of reading The Raven Cycle. I found it to be highly amusing: reminiscent of Percy Jackson, but perhaps with better writing (in my personal opinion; I still have a fondness for Percy).

Comet in Moominland // Tove Jansson

I have seen screenshots of the 90’s Moomin show for years but never bothered to truly figure out where they came from until recently. I learned that Moomin originally came from a book. I thought it would be a picture book, and I was pleasantly surprised when I learned that Moomin actually came from a book book. I found Comet in Moominland to be heartwarming and cute with beautiful illustrations and words that can speak to the oldest soul, despite being a children’s book.

Call Down the Hawk // Maggie Stiefvater

Ronan was my favourite character from The Raven Cycle because I felt I understood him the most, which is a rather amusing sentiment to me on the surface level since I am probably one of the least edgy people you will ever meet. Learning more about Stiefvater’s world of Dreamers was particularly interesting and important to me (dreams have always been important to me, and dreams have shaped a good part of my life, actually). Chapter 3 (starts on page 19 of the hardcover copy) was very much like reading The Slow Regard of Silent Things for me: I understood, and I felt understood.

Tales from Moominvalley // Tove Jansson

A collection of cute short stories from Jansson’s Moomins. These were amusing, but at this point Moomins are important to me, so the book was very special all the same.

Six of Crows // Leigh Bardugo Crooked Kingdom // Leigh Bardugo

Six of Crows is a significant book to me. I remember when it was first published in 2015. I heard of it and immediately wanted to read it; however, there were many circumstances and unfortunate happenings which led to me not being able to read it until this year. The duology is now ranked among the stories which made me. To me, it’s a victory song.

The Moomins and the Great Flood // Tove Jansson

I had heard talk of the Great Flood in Comet in Moominland and been slightly confused from it being out of context. This book provided the context for this flood and is somewhat of a prequel to the rest of the Moomin books. As always, it’s a cute story with wonderful illustrations.

Shadow and Bone // Leigh Bardugo Siege and Storm // Leigh Bardugo Ruin and Rising // Leigh Bardugo

After finishing the Six of Crows duology, I learned that it was actually a sequel series to Bardugo’s Shadow and Bone trilogy. I finished Ruin and Rising last night and while I didn’t enjoy the trilogy as much as Six of Crows, it provided context for some of the characters featured in the duology, and I enjoyed the characters of Alina and Mal as well as learning more about Bardugo’s Grishaverse.

Other Reading

For school, continuing education, etc… Basically stuff I was compelled to read in one way or another.

Gilgamesh (English version by N.K. Sanders)

“The sleeping and the dead, how alike they are, they are like a painted death.”

The Song of Roland (translated and with an introduction by Robert Harrison)

I’d read this long ago, and re-reading it would have been a better experience if I wasn’t being pressed into writing a paper about it for a professor who was Machiavellian in behaviour but only intelligent in his own pride (these are gentle words).

The Prince // Niccolò Machiavelli

I seriously hate this guy.

The Importance of Being Earnest: A Trivial Comedy for Serious People // Oscar Wilde

I read this for a compare-contrast essay between the original play and the 2002 film adaptation. I thought it would be annoying and tedious to re-read, but I actually enjoyed it because the professor was simply a delight to work with.

A General Introduction to the Bible // Norman L. Geisler and William E. Nix (8th printing, 1975)

I’ve always been interested in how the Bible came to be compiled because almost no one talks about it (asking questions on this topic basically got me excommunicated when I was 12 hah). I read this book to find the answers to the questions I suffered for asking. I found some answers and a whole lot of data (seriously, these people aren’t messing around).

In Search of Our Mothers’ Gardens // Alice Walker

A beautiful short story – perhaps one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I have ever read.

[teaboot]

Hi there! I want to ask you something, but feel completely free to not do so if it makes you uncomfortable ok? It's because my best friend comes from an abusive house, and I just wanted to understand better about this uncomfortable feeling you mentioned in your last post, if it's ok :)

A warning in advance for discussion of abuse.

The experience of being in an abusive situation as a child is different for everyone, and I can only truly speak for myself.

For me, the process of realizing it WAS abusive took the longest time- much longer than it took to realize instinctively that something about it wasn't normal.

From my memories of being a young child, my first sort of awareness that I was being treated unfairly was when I was tasked with chores, and no matter how hard I worked or for how long, somehow it was never *done*. Cleaning my room, my parent would come in, take a look, and tell me, "it's a good start".

That was the first time I was conciousness aware of my parent being unfair. The first time their actions weren't automatically rationalized as 'they're the adult, they're doing the right thing' before I had the chance to actually think about it. That was an important step, and I was about five years old when the concept occurred to me: my best work does not impress them. They expect more. I must try harder.

From there came a greater awareness, but no deeper understanding. They would yell when work wasn't completed, despite not having made it clear what work was expected. A common order was, "if you see something that needs doing, do it". Perhaps an expectation an employers may have of an employee, but in hindsight, not a fair standard to set for a child of six years.

My solution? The first experiment, and the first act of rebellion: Be Perfect, Always, All The Time. It seemed simple. Do everything I could think of to 'be good', to the absolute maximum letter of the law, and if they came to yell anyways, I could ask them why, and they wouldn't have an answer. They would feel foolish, I would be validated as a good child, all would be right in the world.

It turns out that perfection is impossible. Nobody had told me that at the time, do that was a fun discovery. Not only that, but no matter how close I came to it, it still wasn't enough; even while actively focusing my efforts to be the quietest, politest, hardest-working child, nothing was good enough.

Slowly, over a period of years, I came to the conclusion that meeting their expectations was beyond my ability, and that their praise or approval wasn't something I had any real hope of attaining.

Even then, though, they weren't abusive. Not in my eyes, at least. Abuse was something unspeakably horrifying, not something normal and boring and everyday as simply having high expectations, strict rules, a harsh tone, no respect for personal boundaries, regular threats of bodily harm, invasions of privacy...That wasn't abuse. That was Tuesday, 3:30 PM. The concept of 'abuse' was like... Something that happened to other people, like house fires or car accidents or cancer. They were things that I sort of knew existed, in an abstract way, but not things I associated with myself.

I read a lot of books, growing up. Looking back, it was probably escapism. I woke up to read, read on the bus to school, read during class, during recess, after class, on the bus home, at home, before dinner, after dinner, outside, inside, in the bathroom, in bed, under the covers, and while dreaming. When I was punished, sometimes I wasn't allowed to read. Sometimes my books were confiscated. Once they came into my room and pulled everything out of my bookshelf and onto the floor, then left me to clean up the mess. Books and fantasy were my life more than my life was my life. Later, as I started writing, I'd lose that, too. Stories were the best things in the world, and they became an odd sort of arms race.

It was while reading that I learned the most important things I know and where I adopted my favourite parts of myself- An awareness of others. A respect for strength and perseverance. A resolve to withstand pain and hardship. Self-sacrifice. Kindness. Maturity. Determination.

Books were where I looked to find people I admired, and where I learned to recognize the behaviors of a villain.

Interestingly enough, the characters I wanted to be like and the characters that turned out to be evil did not coincide. At all. In fact, the person I looked up to who acted most like the villains did lived in my house.

So, something was obviously wrong. As the internet came within reach, I had access to stories my library didn't have: fictionpress.net and fanfictiction.net; stories written by people my age for people my age. And a lot of stories discussed things like depression, child abuse, suicidal ideation, self-harm, isolation, etcetera.

Which blew my goddamn mind, because holy shit. Holy shit, that's me. Why is it tagged 'abuse'? That happened to me. Am I being abused? I don't have it THAT bad. Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion.

Better look up the dictionary definition of 'abusive behavior' just in case. And 'clinical depression', because geez that seems familiar.

Cue two to four years of on-again-off-again obsessive research into long and short term effects of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, as well as how to recognize abusive and manipulative behavior in others.

This all led to a very quiet, nagging, persistant realization: Holy shit, am I being abused?

Yes. Yes I was. My parents refused to acknowledge that anything was outside the ordinary, but I became aware of it. Threats. Gaslighting. Holding friends, family, and pets hostage as a tool of control. The physical isolation. The unreasonable standards. The hair-pulling, slapping, grabbing, humiliation, name-calling. Not just me deserving something terrible, but actions I didn't deserve that never should have happened.

And then one day, I went camping.

And somewhere nearby, I heard a father and his daughter arrive in their car to their own campsite, right next door.

And I hear him tell her, "Wow, we made it! Let's have a hug for the trip!"

Nonsense. Long drives happen. Why does that deserve a hug? Sappy and ridiculous.

Then the kid starts running around and screaming. Obviously shitting themselves with excitement. Being a nuisance. Disturbing the quiet. Running ruckshot, not helping the father set up camp at all.

And instead of telling her to shut up and be more considerate, or giving her a job to keep her busy, or hissing something else, he just... Let her. And it was annoying. Irritating. An aggravation that got under my skin like nothing else, because I never would have gotten away with that kind of behavior.

Hell, I never would have considered acting like that at her age. What was she, seven or so? Eight? I knew better at her age. That sort of shreiking and horseplay would have gotten me slapped, and I would have deserved it for being such an obnoxious, ignorant little puke.

Then I realized I wasn't breathing.

I wasn't moving.

I was sitting perfectly still, in a tent, in the middle of the woods, all alone, waiting to jump in.

Waiting to run out into the next camp and intervene.

Because soon enough he was going to get sick of playing the fun dad, and he was going to start screaming, and then he was going to hit her, and I'd have to stop him and make sure she was safe, because she was just a small little kid who was happy to be there and he was a grown ass man who knew better and if he so much as stepped harshly in her direction then I was going to tear his lungs out through his fucking throat, because she doesn't deserve that.

Because she's just being a kid.

Because I was just a kid.

So why did it happen to me?

I spent the rest of my time there hiding in my tent, one part too scared of my own shadow to come out and maybe actually see these people or God forbid talk to them and have to act like I wasn't losing my mind being within a thousand miles of them and an equal part ready to sprint out at a moment's notice if things got ugly the way I was used to.

And through the tarp I heard laughing, and jokes, and the father mentioning a mom coming to visit who apparently shared custody and still stayed friends, and a few more requests for a hug, and the girl put up some arguments over bedtime here and there but not even once did the father even raise his voice.

The screaming never came.

On Sunday morning, they packed up and left, and I never even saw their faces.

It's been a few years since then. I started therapy. Started keeping a journal. Work on cognitive behavioral homework so I can recognize when I'm being a bad parent to myself, so I can be kinder and more aware of my thoughts and actions. It's helped a lot. I still remember things sometimes that bother me, but they don't affect me the way they used to, and I'm not the scared and angry person I used to be.

So, yeah. Seeing something normal and healthy when you're not expecting it can be a bit of a jolt, and it can be a bit extra distressing if you're alone and unprepared.

Sorry for the long post. Hope it helps

[thetaboochristian]

Anger: The Double Edged Sword That Can Save Or Destroy Your Life (Sometimes Simultaneously)

When I was a little kid, I used to get angrier than most of the other kids I knew in school. I didn’t know why necessarily, but it seemed reasonable because people kept messing with me, picking on me, people kept doing things that I told them made me made and they never even cared or tried to stop. When I was a kid, I just figured that my anger was a normal, natural result of what happens when people keep on and on and on with some crazy BS until someone reaches their breaking point. Or, somebody does something that seems to pose an immediate, serious threat to the wellbeing of the person who’s getting angry. 

I discovered as I got older though that my dad had these characteristics, but worse. Then when I had my son, I noticed that he had an extra bad temper compared to most other kids… he would get super upset about 100 tiny things every single day that no one else would think are such a big deal, like toys not working the way he wants or me missing one of the 100000000000000000000 things that he points at randomly throughout the day and asks “what’s that”? He is especially prone to do this while I’m driving and can’t stop or look at whatever it is. He even had to be given morphine in the hospital when he was born because he was so upset and wouldn’t stop crying for so long. Don’t even get me started on what happened regarding the hospital, his mom, and his birth... that’s going to be included in my “Taboo Christian” book when it comes out. 

It was not long after my son began doing this that I finally discovered that the anger issue and emotional oversensitivity was something genetic that had come from my dad’s side of the family. The thing is, I seemed to have less frequent expression of it and higher stress tolerance than my dad or son. I believe that the anger thing came from my dad’s mom, but her husband was pretty angry too so maybe my dad got a double dose. I guess I got a half dose because my mom almost never gets angry, even to the point where it’s problematic, where she doesn’t get angry about things that she should get angry about! 

Even when I figured out that there was a genetic cause, I never knew the biological mechanism behind it, but now I’m really close to understanding it. It seems that our bodies either release an unreasonably high level of norepinephrine and epinephrine during certain stressful events, or our bodies cause these neurotransmitters to stay in our system and not be broken down nearly as fast as they should be. It’s also a possibility that DHT levels are abnormally high or that our bodies turn testosterone into DHT at an abnormally high rate. Also, above average levels of acetylcholine or glutamate could also play a role in the emotional sensitivity… it could be a mixture of more than one of these things that’s really responsible.

Even though there have been times where our anger caused problems, problems can occur when anyone gets angry, and that happens to everyone. There have been instances however where I can look back and see how my anger helped save my life! It caused me to no longer tolerate some things that were seriously destroying my life, increasingly quickly as time went on. I believe that when someone or multiple people in your life are causing you serious problems and they are preventable/avoidable, and the person continually refuses to acknowledge how they are hurting you or refuses to try to fix the problem, then an a short moment of loudly chewing them out may be the only way to get the point across or stand your ground when more calm and tame methods of problem resolution have failed to work with that person who’s doing you wrong.

Obviously, if you can avoid conflict or resolve it peacefully then that is almost always best, but if calm methods fail, and the continuing problem is destroying your health, finances, sanity, etc, then continuing to sit by and passively let yourself get ruined by someone else’s evil or ignorance is ludicrous! Absolutely ludicrous! 

If someone in your family thinks they know better than you and really doesn’t, and if they keep terrorizing you with constant bombardment of their well intentioned but destructive opinions of what they think you should do with your life, sometimes there’s no other choice but to cut them out of your life for a while until things settle down and you are able to figure out a way to interact with them peaceably… if it’s possible at all. Some people just don’t want to admit when they are wrong, no matter what. 

This happened recently with my dad. We used to have a good relationship, but it’s come up and down over the years with some lengthy periods of us not talking because it’s impossible to talk to him without him trying to force his wrong ideas upon your life and then getting angry if you don’t agree with him and won’t do what he says. He thinks he knows what’s best. He has a master’s degree. He has made $60-90K a year for the majority of his career. However, though he affirms to hold the basic beliefs of a Christian as far as Jesus being the son of God and dying for our sins and being the only way to heaven, my dad doesn’t really have much of a spiritual view or concept of life beyond that. My dad is absolutely consumed by “worldly thinking” and “man’s way of reasoning” and he has no concept of God’s Will for my life or anyone else’s life. 

Many Christians know all too well that God’s ways are not always our ways and that His reasoning does not always follow our reasoning. My dad cannot seem to grasp this. He cannot seem to grasp that there are certain circumstances that occurred over the years that were beyond my control that are partly responsible for where I am today in life, financially, socially, health wise, etc. My dad cannot seem to grasp that it’s most likely that it was God’s Will that am where I am right now, doing what I’m doing right now, and planning what I’m planning for the future. My dad just can’t seem to understand that if God wants something to happen in my life with 100% definite certainty, He is going to intervene and shape my circumstances in whatever was He needs to in order to make His Will come to pass in my life, IF I’m open to it and willing to do my part to cooperate with Him in bringing it to pass. That means working when and where He knows is best, it means putting forth my standards and expectations to those around me and not caving in or compromising on them just because they don’t fit or match what the people around me think is best or reasonable, or whatever. Sure, I’m realistic in my expectations and what I ask from God, but I also know that God has taken people from rags to riches very quickly in many cases, and God has done miracles in people’s lives in modern times that are almost as awesome as what He did in the Bible. 

It is also possible for everyone that there are some things that are such a concrete part of God’s Will that they will happen no matter what a person does. Where I’m saying that anger can save and destroy at the same time is like with my relationship with my dad. Because of the characteristics I described above about him, he kept on and kept on and kept on until I finally snapped and said some really hurtful things to him, one of which I didn’t really mean to say but it just slipped out in anger. This made him leave and we haven’t spoken in almost 2 months now because of it. Though I regret that one thing I said to him, and I regret having cussed a few times, the majority of what I said to him while in my anger was stuff that he NEEDED to hear. It was me putting my foot down to protect my son and my life, my livelihood and plan for the future, and to show my dad that he had violated major boundaries. My dad has worldly, humanistic reasons why he thinks my current choices and past ones regarding my job and schooling are bad, but I know that they are part of God’s plan and I can clearly see how and why God crafted my life the way He has thus far. While I acknowledge that I’ve made some bad decisions, I can see how and why God allowed me to make them and how God chose to use them to pave a way forward for me that’s better than I probably could have had without making those mistakes.

Seriously though, I get angry a lot less often than most people. It takes a lot more BS to make me mad than the average person, but I’m like a quick burst of intense flame when major boundary lines have been crossed or something major is threatening to harm me or my loved ones and has a considerable chance of succeeding if I don’t step in and do something. I can admit though that in the moment, I’m usually completely absent minded about the thought of God supernaturally protecting me with Angels, intervening on my behalf to fix problems, etc. In the moment I am just thinking that it’s up to me or it’s not going to get resolved at all. I am working on strengthening myself so that I can think more about the realities of the spirit world before I tackle a problem while steaming, but it’s something that will take time. However, there’s a certain amount of fierceness that needs to be available and kept locked away inside for use in the right time and place, so that my loved ones can see for themselves just how serious I am about protecting them with all my might.

I do still plan to try to reconcile with my dad, but right now, with all the difficult circumstances I’m in the midst of overcoming at this moment, trying to talk to my dad would only make my days more difficult and drain me of the focus and energy I need to fix all the current problems in my life surrounding my divorce from “Rebecca”, things regarding my son “Aaron”, and other major life changes. My dad just has this “my way or the highway” view, and there’s no reasoning with him. It just wouldn’t be a smart idea to try to work things out with him until these major issues in my life are resolved, because the process of reconciliation with him will likely be long, stressful, painful and emotional. Despite the current stresses, I know that I’m in the process of overcoming, and slowly but surely (and sometimes quickly) God is bringing about a future for me that’s growing more beautiful with every passing week, month and year.

Thanks for reading, God Bless! “Luke Davidson” - The Taboo Christian

[mosylufanfic]

The Qualifications for a Date

I was poking around my drafts recently and found this, and decided to finish it. I wrote most of this long before we learned that Caitlin's birthday is in February. So please handwave as hard as you can and pretend that Central City is having an unreasonably warm early spring. Or maybe that it's a more southern city than we thought. Both is good.

The Qualifications for a Date

Cisco hopped out of the breach and took the sidewalk at just shy of a run. He was late, which should be impossible for someone who could take the back way through dimensions and cover miles like walking from one room to another. But that just seemed to make it easier to procrastinate. Latino time found a way, apparently.

His phone notified him that his destination was on the right, and he looked up. He froze on the sidewalk and swore at himself.

He'd heard this place was fancy. Caitlin had told him this place was fancy. But he'd thought fancy meant pulling out his nicest sportcoat, ironing his slacks, and spending extra time on his hair.

There were guys walking in the door who were straight-up wearing tuxes. And the women were wearing the most gorgeous dresses. Like they'd come for dinner before going to the opera or the symphony or -

He looked down at himself, then rubbed his hand over his face. "Okay, fine, whatever," he said into his palm. "Caitlin doesn't care. She picked this place. If she'd thought you needed a tux, she would've said so. It's fine."

He was just standing here being a coward because when he'd opened his mouth to say, "I'd really like to take you out on a date, which I know might be a little weird because we've been friends for most of a decade but I just can't stop thinking about it lately, about kissing you and holding your hand and seeing you smile just for me."

. . . he'd said, "hey, you, where am I taking you for your birthday?"

Coward.

He poked around in his coat pocket for a hair tie and started to pull his hair back. Then he remembered she liked it down; she'd told him so a few times. His hands hesitated.

He tugged the tie out, gave his head a quick shake, and flicked a few strands out of his eyes. Le Fancy Pants or whatever was just going to have to deal with his hair down.

He rolled his shoulders and started toward the front of the restaurant, hoping she hadn't been waiting too long.

"Cisco?" a breathless voice called, and he spun around. Caitlin was coming up the sidewalk behind him.

"Sorry I'm late," she said. "I lost track of the time and then the cab took forever to get to my place and well, I'm here."

"Hey," he said. "No big, I just got here myself. Got caught up doing something last-minute - " Trying to figure out which shirt made him look the hottest, but let her think it was something Vibey or mechanical. "- and I just breached around the corner."

She smiled, and he suddenly clocked to how good she looked. She was wearing a strappy dark green dress that showed off the architecture of her shoulders and the soft curves of her throat and hinted at the swell of her breasts. Her hair was up, her makeup was on point, her jewelry was sparkly, and her shoes were sky-high.

"You, uh," he said suavely. "Wow. You look amazing. By the way."

She blushed and plucked at the sparkling fabric of the sheer wrap around her shoulders. "Thanks. You do too."

He looked down at himself. "Yeah, I'm going for the celebrity casual look. You know how celebrities can get into five-star places wearing, like, sweatpants because they're so famous? I'm hoping they think that's what's going on here and they don't kick me out for not being fancy enough."

"Stop," she said. "Your outfit is several steps above sweatpants and you look very nice. They will absolutely not kick you out."

"How can you be so sure?"

She smiled mysteriously and held out her hand. He started to reach for it, heart skipping a beat, and then he saw a couple walk by them with her hand tucked in the crook of his elbow, all Jane-Austen-movie style. Right. Obviously. He immediately bent his arm at the elbow and let her slip her hand into it, feeling a little sad that he couldn't weave his fingers through hers.

Still, it was nice, having her tucked up next to him like that as he escorted her up the front walk. Maybe that was why old-timey dudes did it.

"This is okay, isn't it?" she asked at the door. "We can go somewhere else if you'd rather."

"No," he said immediately. "No way. Birthday girl gets to pick. This'll be great." He opened the door for her and gave a little bow, rewarded with her soft giggle.

The maitre d's stand was at the base of a set of stairs. He must have heard them approach but he took a moment before looking up. "Good evening, madame, monsieur. Do you have a reservation?"

"No," Caitlin said serenely.

"Ah, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid we are a reservation-only establishment." His eyes lingered on Cisco's loose hair and he looked about zero percent sorry. "If I may recommend the Applebee's down the street - "

Caitlin snapped open her itty-bitty purse, extracted a business card with some scribbling on the back, and held it out. The maitre'd took it and looked at it.

Cisco had never seen a human being actually go Blue Screen of Death before. It was educational.

But apparently maitre d' school, or wherever you went to learn the precise angle at which to look down your nose, also taught the art of graceful backpedaling. "I have just remembered," he said, handing the card back with a single nervous look at Caitlin. "There has been a cancellation. I can seat you now, madame, monsieur. If you'll follow me?"

Cisco expected to be led into the big dining room he could see over the maitre d's shoulder, but instead, he led them up the stairs.

Cisco tugged Caitlin an inch or two closer to his side as they climbed and murmured, "Whaaaaat was that?"

"Just a little leverage," she said, smiling at him.

The stairs led to what looked like a more exclusive dining room. To Cisco's surprise - and probably the surprise of all the richie riches sitting there -  the maitre d' walked them across a corner of the room, opened another door, and up one more half-flight.

That let them out onto a balcony just big enough for a single table, overlooking a gorgeous garden, slowly turning golden as the sun inched toward the horizon.

"Oh," Caitlin said, wide-eyed.

"Wow," Cisco said.

Monsieur Snootface pulled out a chair. "Madame?" he asked, inviting her to sit.

Cisco didn't know if he would have gotten the same treatment, but he sat down quickly before it became an issue.

Monsieur Snootface dissolved for a moment, then reappeared with a basket of bread and a pitcher of water. He filled two of the goblets on the table and said, "Your server will be with you momentarily," and bowed very deeply before disappearing.

The tablecloth was snow white and silky smooth. There was a small phalanx of forks, a little army of plates, a battalion of goblets and cups. Each of them clearly had a very specific purpose.

Perched on top of the plates was a napkin, folded in some mysterious serviette origami into something like a swan, or a cloud, or maybe the Sydney Opera House in linen miniature.

Yep. This was the fanciest of the fancy, right here.

"Just a little leverage?" Cisco asked, shaking out the napkin and laying on his lap, then reaching to unfold the napkin away from the bread. There was a round dish of fancy whipped butter with herbs, sitting next to what looked very much like a doorbell in the center of the snowy white tablecloth. He considered it - modern art? Avant-garde centerpiece?

Caitlin was still staring at their view. "Apparently it was more leverage than I realized."

Cisco waited a moment, buttering the bread, then said, "Uh, yeah, no, that's not gonna cut it, Dr. Snow. I'm going to need the whole story." He took a bite of bread and thought oh, hi, I'm also going to need a forever supply of this stuff.

"Well, I don't know the whole story. But the day after my birthday, I found this in Frost's jacket pocket." Caitlin extracted the little card from her purse again and held it out to him. It was a business card with the name of the restaurant and the owner printed on heavy cardstock. Remembering that the maitre d' had read the back, Cisco flipped it over.

The holder of this card can get a table at any time, for any reason and will be treated as the most honored guest in the house. And the owner's initials.

Cisco goggled at it. Clearly, that had been enough to get them the most exclusive table and Monsieur Snootface falling all over himself.

"Caitlin, how did she get this?" He remembered the nervous looks Monsieur Snootface had kept giving Caitlin and shot a look at the stairs, suddenly horrified. "Oh, shit, she didn't - with that guy?"

"No," Caitlin said, her voice going two-tone. For a moment, Killer Frost's glowing eyes glared at him. "I do have standards, Vibe."

"Sorry," he said swiftly. "Sorry, sorry."

Caitlin shook her head and blinked, eyes going brown. "No, nothing like that," she said in her normal voice. "Like she said, she has standards. And besides, we have a very firm agreement regarding casual sex when she has control of our body."

"Thank god," he said. "Because there's not enough brain bleach in the world. How did she get it, then?"

"Apparently she stopped an armed robbery here one night."

"She did? Awwww. She took down the bad guys and got you a birthday gift?"

Caitlin's eyes went unfocused for a minute. "Stop. You were not."

"What?" he asked, used to hearing half of the conversation when she was talking to her colder half.

She focused on him again before rolling her eyes. "She's saying she actually planned to sell it on eBay."

Cisco laughed. "Upholding the law on her own, without any of us nudging her, that's pretty good. She's really gotten better."

"I guess she has," Caitlin said, smiling a little.

A server in flawless black and white came out. "Monsieur, madame, welcome," she said, looking like she'd been prepping for their visit for the past hour and not probably gotten told about it five seconds ago. "I am Thanh and it will be my privilege to serve you tonight. Is this a special occasion?"

"Her birthday," Cisco said.

She smiled brightly. "Happy birthday, madame."

"It was actually last week," Caitlin mumbled.

"But we're celebrating tonight," Cisco said.

"Excellent," Thanh said. "I shall bring out champagne. Our chef wishes you to know that menus will not be necessary since he will be designing your meals personally."

Cisco swallowed, trying not to remember the old adage that if you had to ask the price, you couldn't afford it. "Tasting menu, sweet. That'll be fun. Um, how much does that run?"

Thanh tilted her head. "Monsieur, I'm so sorry I wasn't clear. Tonight's meal is entirely on the house."

Caitlin glanced at him, wide-eyed, and Cisco mumbled, "Okay," under his breath.

"Does madame or monsieur have any allergies or dietary considerations our chef should know about?"

"No," Caitlin said. "No restrictions, thank you for asking. But - excuse me."

"Yes? Is there anything you require, madame?"

"You've all been wonderful so far. But I have a question. The woman who gave us this card is . . . is a . . . "

"Friend," Cisco supplied. It was close enough. "She's a friend of ours."

"Yes, but she can be a little rough around the edges," Caitlin added, winning the Understatement Limbo forever. "And if this amazing hospitality is because you're scared of her, then thank you very much, but I wouldn't feel right - "

For the first time, the server broke character. "Oh, no," she said. "No, she saved us. I was working last week and it was the busiest night we've had all month. If we'd lost that deposit, the restaurant might have had to close. Madame, this is sincere gratitude."

"Oh," Caitlin said.

"I mean, she did freeze Brett's feet to the floor, because he was getting in the way, so he might be a little scared of her. But the rest of us are so incredibly grateful. It really is our privilege to return the favor, even in a small way."

"Who's Brett?" Caitlin asked.

"Monsieur Snootface?" Cisco guessed.

Thanh coughed violently in a way that meant yes and I'm trying not to shriek with laughter right now and OMG everyone is going to hear about this in the kitchen. Cisco grinned.

She got ahold of herself and reverted back to the poker-faced server. "Champagne will be along shortly." She nodded at the mysterious doorbell art piece. "Please ring that bell if you need me for anything at all." She disappeared, leaving them alone.

Cisco looked across the table. "You're still not sure about accepting all this."

"I mean," Caitlin said. "It's so much."

He ate another piece of bread. "She saved their bacon. Did you hear her about what it would have meant to lose that money?"

"That seems like an exaggeration. One night's profits were that important? Surely they do most of their business on credit cards now."

"Not as much as you'd think. And if I had to guess, the robbers wanted all the servers' tips, too."

Her eyes went big as Thanh's gratitude fell into place. "Oh. Yes. Of course, that would have been awful for them. But it really would have been that much of a blow to the business? To lose the cash deposit?"

"Restaurants are like that. You remember my cousin Hector?"

"The one who owned that amazing seafood restaurant?"

"Yeah, the one that went out of business last year." RIP La Laguna and the best grilled swordfish he'd ever put in his belly. "That was his third one and he's planning a fourth, because that's totally normal in the restaurant biz. They all operate right on the edge. This place is fancy and new and probably way deep in the red. Frost saved their bacon big time."

She scrunched her face a little.

"If it makes you feel better, Barry hasn't paid for a pizza since 2015," he said.

She looked around their exclusive balcony, with flowers growing on the railing and from windowboxes. "This is considerably more than a pizza, and free stuff is not why we do it."

"No, of course it's not, but you heard her. This is their way of saying thank you, and if you don't accept it, how are you going to make them feel?"

"I didn't think of it like that."

"I know. Come on. It's your birthday dinner and Killer Frost did a good. Are you planning to overuse that little leverage card?"

"No! I'm going to put it away forever after tonight."

He'd expected that. "So? Enjoy yourself. Have some bread." He buttered a slice and held it over over the table. "This stuff is the shit, Caitlin. Seriously."

She took it and bit in. "Mmmm! Oh. Oh my god." She took another bite.

"I know," he said.

She chewed and swallowed her second bite. "So you think this is all okay?"

"I think this is all pretty awesome and you deserve every second," he said.

"Really?"

"Well," he admitted, "I'm a little annoyed. I mean, this dinner was supposed to be my birthday gift to you."

She smiled at him. "What I wanted for my birthday was a nice evening with you, and you're giving me that."

His heart skipped a beat. He reminded himself that she meant dinner with her best friend, the way they'd been for years, and just because he'd recently started to see her in a different light, he shouldn't read too much into it when she said things like that.

The champagne arrived with tiny hors d'oeuvres that looked almost too fancy to eat, but Cisco was glad he had, because a-maaaaaaaa-zing. He thought about taking mental notes for Hector, but figured his cousin was already planning to come here some night, if he hadn't already.

As the sun slid below the horizon, the garden below fell into shadow. Candles started appearing on tables, little points of light that illuminated other couples or groups having their own incredible dinner. A few tuning-up noises alerted Cisco to the presence of live music, and after a little searching, he found a cellist tucked away under some willows.

"Check it out," he said, indicating the musician, who was just starting what sounded like a Pachelbel piece.

"Oh, that's really nice," she said. "And look, you can eat in the garden."

"Yeah," he said. Some of the couples below them were holding hands across the table, or snuggling up. "This would be a pretty sweet place to bring your date."

"It would," she said.

He looked across the table. Caitlin was looking out at the garden, her eyes soft. In the light of the fading sunset, she looked as if she'd been brushed with gold dust, hair and skin and soft sweet mouth.

He wondered if she was wishing someone else were across the table. Ronnie, maybe, in some multiverse miracle. Or one of the guys she'd dated off and on over the past few years. Cisco called them the Gingerbread Men in his head because they all seemed like cookie-cutter copies, slickly handsome lawyers and doctors and businessmen who knew about things like wine and golf.

(He could know about wine if he wanted. How hard was it to know about wine?)

But maybe she really liked one of them and wished he'd brought her here.

She caught his eye and turned to face him fully, smiling. "I'm glad you're here with me tonight."

His shoulders unknotted and his heart melted. "Birthday girl's pick," he said.

"You're more than capable of making me pick again," she retorted. "Remember Garden Sushi?"

"That was for both our protection!" he protested. "I heard Hector's stories about that place."

She laughed, reaching out across the table to take his hand. "Anyway, this is beautiful. The food and the garden and the music - "

On impulse, he said, "Wanna make it more beautiful?"

She looked a question at him.

He got to his feet, still holding her hand. "Shall we?"

He only half-expected her to do it, and certainly not without a little convincing, but she got to her feet at once and stepped into his arms to dance.

The balcony was really tiny, and they could only manage the middle-school style step-shuffle, but that was perfect as far Cisco was concerned - an excuse to hold her close, to smell her perfume, to feel the slide of her hair against his cheek as they swayed together.

If this had been a date, it would have been the most romantic date in the history of ever.

Soft clapping brought him out of his dreamy daze, and his cheeks went hot as he wondered if they were getting applauded. Shit, Caitlin would hate that. But he when he looked down into the garden, everyone's heads were turned toward the cellist, who had finished her piece. She rose to her feet and bowed briefly before sitting back down and arranging her skirts and her instrument for another piece.

Caitlin had stopped moving when he had. She nudged his shoulder. "Look," she said.

Dusk had overtaken their balcony as they danced, and a lit tea light in a cut-glass holder had appeared on their table as if by magic. The dirty plates had disappeared.

But the spell of the music was broken. Cisco smiled uncertainly at her. "Guess we'd better quit messing around and eat the rest of our meal."

"Guess so," she said.

They sat back down, and Thanh reappeared with tiny bowls of clear, savory soup and another bottle of wine.

It was as delicious as the hors d'oeuvres, but Cisco toyed awkwardly with it, wondering if he'd let himself get carried away, if she was weirded out. Or if maybe she was asking herself the same thing.

He reached for his wine glass and used the motion to glance at her.

She was fiddling with her earring, but when she caught his eye, she dropped her hand and smiled brightly. "So," she said. "What are we doing for your birthday next month?"

"To top this?" he said. "I'm thinking yacht."

"Ooooo," she said. "Well, Vibe had better get cracking, hadn't he?"

He peered over the balcony. "What do you think? Do one of these people own a yacht?"

"I think it's almost certain."

They relaxed into a giggly speculation on the various rich people in the garden, trying to top each others' wild suggestions about what tribulations they could save one of them from.

By the time Thanh brought out the main course, some delicate meat wrapped in pastry, with blanched, still-crunchy asparagus on the side, they'd rambled into more general topics. As they ate the entree and then the light salad that came after, they kept talking about this and that, science and nerdery and everything under the sun.

They didn't get the chance to do this much, Cisco reflected while their salad plates were whisked away. It seemed like they were always too wrapped up in superhero business to just hang out and be together lately.

Even if he'd chickened out on calling it a date, he was glad they'd done this tonight.

Dessert was a kind of warm custard pie, with cherries buried in the filling. It was clafoutis, she told them, paired with a muscat wine from someplace with a hell of a lot of vowels in its name. Cisco was almost too full of good food to dive in, but watching Caitlin take her first bite and close her eyes in bliss convinced him.

Plus, he'd never turned down a sweet in his life.

The muscat wasn't a very strong wine, but as they finished up the dessert and kept talking, Cisco still felt sweetly drunk on Caitlin's voice and her laugh and the golden sheen of candlelight.

A breeze fluttered the loose hair that curled against her cheek, and he suddenly realized how cool it was, and that the cello music had ended long ago. The garden below them was almost deserted except for busboys clearing off the tables. "Whoa," he said. "What time is it?"

Caitlin checked her phone and squeaked. "This place closed an hour ago!" She jumped out of her chair and started gathering up her purse and her wrap. "They must be waiting on us so they can clean up."

Cisco dug for his wallet and pulled out all the cash money he'd brought. Caitlin saw him lay it on the table and opened her mouth.

"Hey," he said, holding up a hand. "I was going to treat you. Let me leave the tip. Besides, she gave us a lot of her time tonight and I've worked for tips before. She deserves every cent here."

"Will she accept it?"

"If we sneak out fast enough, she'll have to." He took her arm again and escorted her back into the building and down the stairs.

They met Thanh at the base of the stairs. "Are you leaving us so soon?" she asked, with no hint of sarcasm whatsoever.

"I think we both know it's not soon at all," Caitlin said. "Thank you so much. You were so kind, and the food was delicious, and your restaurant is beautiful."

"We'll definitely be telling all our friends," Cisco said. "Thank you."

"Again, the privilege was all mine. Please come back anytime. Have a lovely night," she said, and went over to open the front door for them.

He went down the steps first and held out his hand to steady Caitlin as she stepped carefully down them in her ice pick heels. At the base of the steps, he expected her to drop his hand, but she held on.

Thanh stood smiling at them from the doorway, and didn't shut the door until they were at the end of the walk.

"You know," Caitlin said as they strolled hand-in-hand down the sidewalk, late-night traffic whisking by them, "she thought we were there on a date."

His heart skipped a beat. "Well, that makes sense," he said. "Look at you, all dolled up."

"And you," she said.

"We both look pretty fancy, don't we?"

"And there was the dancing, and how we talked for hours - "

His cheeks felt hot. Why was she saying this? Did she wish it had been a date, or saying how it could have been mistaken for one by an outside observer? Someone who didn't know they were just friends, just Caitlin and Cisco, and had been for years . . .

He managed a laugh. "Well, if this was a date, I would have kissed you by now."

"Okay," she said.

He stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk. She walked another step before his hand, still linked to hers, tugged her to a halt. She turned.

"What?" he said.

A slow blush crept up her neck. "I said okay. You said you would have kissed me and I said okay."

"I - I know, I heard you." He stared at her, all off-balance. "What - why?"

The blush crept higher. She dropped his hand and turned her head away, brushing a loose strand of hair back into place.

The silence stretched out between them, horrible, awkward.

"Never mind," she said finally. "Let's - "

Oh. Oh shit. This was it, his big chance, and he was just standing here like a moron, goggling at her, asking why, when -

He stepped forward and caught her hand, pulling it down so he could press his lips to hers.

She caught her breath, he could feel it against his mouth, and then she was kissing him back, wrapping her arms around his neck.

Of everything he'd tasted tonight, her lips were the most delicious. She went to his head like the wine, swirling around in a dance of jubilation and finally and this is even better than I imagined.

Because it was. So much better.

It could have been minutes or hours or maybe days when they pulled apart again. Too short as far as he was concerned. Her eyes were starry in the streetlights and she was smiling at him. From the way his face ached, he suspected he was grinning like a fool right back at her.

"So," she said, twisting her fingers in one of his curls. "This officially qualifies as a date now?"

"Sure does," he said, and kissed her again. "You wanna go on another one?"

"Mmmm. When?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Okay," she breathed, and then they were kissing again.

They celebrated his birthday a few weeks later. It definitely topped the date at the restaurant.

They didn't leave his apartment for the entire weekend.

FINIS

[yiru-chen-blog]

Let’s go to Iceland!

I am a sophomore of International hospitality management this year. Because I like travelling and have been longing for the mysterious aurora, I also want to know the status of Iceland in the service industry, so I choose this elective course.

Iceland is a country I'm not familiar with, and the harsh climate and strict schedule added some challenges to the trip. But that's what makes this trip so much more exciting. I hope this trip will not only enable me to gain different scenery, but also enable me to have a more vivid understanding of the subject I have learned and acquire new skills. Of course, what I am looking forward to most is the process of pursuing the aurora and the wonderful memories left with my friends.

I believe this trip to Iceland will be wonderful and unforgettable.

When I was told that we were going to Iceland for a four-day tour this year, I was very excited because I had heard of Aurora since I was a child. It was something that only lived in my imagination. And this time, I'm going to have the chance to see it with my own eyes. It's really amazing!  Even though I was terrified of the cold, I couldn't bear the excitement of the moment, so I did some pre-trip research for my upcoming trip.

First of all, of course, is my most anticipated aurora! Aurora is one of Iceland's most famous sights. These beautiful green lights (sometimes white, pink and purple) often dance over Iceland, but only in winter. Fortunately, this trip is in March, which is the winter of Iceland! It needs to be dark to see the aurora borealis. Therefore, even if the aurora borealis phenomenon occurs all the year round, it is impossible to see them in summer because of the aurora borealis. To further understand the activity of the aurora on that day, I will be able to learn about the daily update on the Icelandic Aurora forecast or the hourly Aurora service forecast. But to be honest, I'm also anxious because the aurora borealis is a natural phenomenon, so it's impossible to determine how bright they are at a particular evening party - sometimes they can't even see the aurora borealis at all. It's possible to see the aurora every day for tens of days, and it's also possible that it's totally inappreciable for tens of days. I'm afraid I'll disappoint myself. After all, the higher the hope, the higher the disappointment. In order not to disappoint myself by not seeing the Aurora, I also explored some other related sightseeing spots and amusement projects. After all, it's a rare trip. This time, because of the school organisation, it only needs to spend more than 200 pounds on transportation and accommodation. Even if the housing is not so desirable in the picture, it's still a great bargain to get to Iceland at such a cost!

According to the schedule, this time we will go to SOUTH SHORE, BLUE LAGOON and GOLDEN CIRCLE.

South Shore has many famous waterfalls, so I have tight clothes and climbing shoes. To prevent cascades from splashing and slippery ground, I also have waterproof equipment for electronic equipment.

Blue Lagoon is one of Iceland's most famous geothermal springs. Its pale blue lake is surrounded by the lava of various shapes. It is a fascinating and mysterious sight and attracts numerous tourists. The hot springs of the Blue Lake are thought to have natural healing effects. More importantly, the water is rich in minerals such as silicon and sulphur. It has a good curative effect on various skin problems such as eczema (psoriasis). I must try that！

The famous "Golden Circle" scenic spot to be visited consists of three natural attractions gathered in southwestern Iceland: Singville National Park, Geyser Geyser Geothermal Area and Golden Falls. But what I am most interested in is a geyser, which erupts every other time. Geysir, Iceland's great geyser, is the source of the English word geyser, which shows its world status. Today, Rachel is rarely active and still erupts regularly from the Strokkur geyser next to Rachel, which sprays a 20-40 meter high water column every 10-15 minutes. It was said that the scene of Stoke's eruption was spectacular and unforgettable. It was like a dry whale lurking in the ground, spewing the water column into the sky with a roar, overflowing with steam, which made people feel as if they were on some extra-terrestrial planet. I hope to witness this fantastic scene with my own eyes! But its temperature is very high. I must not put MY hands and feet into the fountain, or I will get burned.

After talking about the scenic spots, in fact, the most worrying thing in my heart is the climate problem over there. As I grew up in China, when I actually came to Britain I was a little unwell for the cold here. Besides, Iceland has a name full of ice already! In March, the average temperature in Iceland reached 4 degrees Celsius, and the lowest was about minus 2 degrees Celsius. 

In early March, the average daily sunshine is 10 hours and 10 minutes, about 8:35 a.m. sunrise and 6:45 p.m. sunset. To prevent myself from freezing to death in Iceland, I prepared for myself waterproof and cold-proof thick coats, warm underwear and sweater, professional climbing shoes, waterproof gloves and ear-protecting hats, skid-proof shoes.

I also found that Iceland had some special activities in early March. In March, Iceland, to welcome the coming of spring, people are full of joy, so here are three very Icelandic festivals, which are related to food, fashion and music. First is the Food Happy Festival at the beginning of March every year. As a must-go food festival, world-famous chefs gather together to choose Icelandic food and hold high-standard cooking materials, for me who like delicious food, the view can be a feast. There are also Reykjavik Folk Music Festival and Reykjavik Fashion Week. Although Reykjavik is not as well-known as fashion week in other European countries, during the Reykjavik Fashion Week every year, a lot of Icelandic fashionistas and netizens can be seen dressing up in the streets of Reykjavik.

But to be honest, I also found some cultures that were strange to me. For example, most Icelanders do not have a traditional surname. Their so-called "surname" is the name of their father or mother with the suffix - sdttir (daughter) or - sson (son). It also says that whether they are teachers or doctors, they will call them by their first names. There are no gentlemen or ladies, for example, they also call the President by his first name. So Icelanders don't use such terms as sir, lady and miss very much. Fortunately, I know in advance, or I may think that an Icelander's affectionate name is offended, of course, I will go to the country and do as the Romans do, and will not call miss anything like a fool.

Besides, Icelanders are unambiguous about food. Icelanders love sauces, gravy, dips, spices... Basically, Iceland has a matching sauce, and the essential thing is to soak the food in the sauce!  Even though the meat, fish and vegetables themselves are already delicious, Icelanders are convinced that life will be better with gravy. Although many other countries also like sauces, they are definitely not in the same order of magnitude as Icelanders. And Icelanders can barbecue outdoors in any weather. Strangely enough, Icelanders also eat ice cream all year round.

Another important thing is Iceland's nude culture. As a Chinese, I have a more traditional mind. The cultural concepts are more conservative in China, such naked culture to me is just too shocking. In Iceland, nudity is a common thing. For many people in many countries, it's strange to take a bath in the public bathroom in front of others naked before swimming. In Iceland, bathing naked in hot springs or jumping naked into the sea is nothing new. As early as March 26, 2015, Iceland, following the United States, launched an avant-garde movement, Free the nipple, in which thousands of people participated. Although there are still some controversies about this extreme way, it is not difficult to see the avant-garde of Icelanders ‘thinking and the leading position of their nude culture. It seems that I have to be prepared psychologically. In the face of different cultures, I will be able to broaden my horizons. Although my mind will not change fundamentally because of a trip, I believe that my perception and concept of the world will change after this trip. The world is so big, and there are not even two identical people, why don't I enjoy the baptism brought by cultural differences? I hope everything goes well on my journey! Good luck to me!

[helena-studyblr]

a post no one asked for!

hello so i reblogged a questionnaire a lil bit ago and i’m going to answer them now because...why not

1. how old are you?

im 18!

2.  are you in high school or college(university)?

college

3. what year or grade are you in high school or (university)? 

im a freshman in college

4. what is your school’s grading system look like? do you like it? what problems do you have with it, if any? 

so my university has a standard letter grade system for most classes and pass/fail for some courses that don’t really need a grade. i do like it because it’s what i’m used to, however, a lot of times having a letter grade system can be more stressful because it makes you feel like anything but some kind of A is mediocre and not good enough, when in reality, a 75% or above is better than average.

5. if you are in high school do you plan on going to university or college? if you are in college do you plan on finishing and if you do, do you plan on continuing on to other graduate or professional schools? 

i plan on going to veterinary school after i finish my undergraduate degree! if i end up changing my major to my second choice(music education is my second choice), then of course I won’t be going to vet school.

6. if you are high school what do you plan to study in college, if you plan to go. if not, what do you plan on doing after high school? if you are in college what is your major? do you plan on changing it? 

i am currently studying biochemistry and molecular biology and i have a minor in music! i dont plan on changing it at this point, but if i do, i’d change it to music education.

7. why are you picking or why did you pick what you are currently studying? 

i want to go to vet school, and biochemistry has almost all the requirements for vet school admissions. also, i find it interesting

8. do you go/plan to go to community college, technical college, or a four-year institution? how did you make your decision, or how do you plan to?

i am at a 4 year university, and i went here because it fits what i want to do

9. what factors did you consider when picking a college, or what factors do you plan on considering? 

the college I chose is in my hometown, which is probably one of the deciding factors(i really wanted to be close to home). the campus is very pretty and small as well, and i really wanted to go to a small college. i could have potentially gone to The Ohio State University because i’m about 20 minutes away, but the camous is so big and i know i would have hated it. the school also has a good music program, soi can continue playing even though it isn’t my major

10. what is your favorite pencil?

i love my muji mechanical pencil and also the papermate clearpoint!

11. what are your top three favorite pens?

pilot juice, muji gel pens, and sharpie pens

12. do you prefer wide-ruled paper, college-ruled, dot-grid, or graph paper? 

college ruled is my favorite for class notes, graph paper for revised/nice notes/math work, and blank for planning generally

13. do you use different types of paper for different courses or classes?

i use college ruled for almost everything except math homework(i use graph)

14. do you use a backpack/bag for school or college and what kind is it? why did you choose it? price, quality, function, design? 

i use a backpack, i have no idea what brand it is, but its the perfect size for everything i need to take to classes and its also really pretty(it has a black background with flowers on it)

15. what is your favorite outfit to go to class in and why? 

i generally wear leggings and a sweatshirt/sweater just because they’re comfy and also look cute! if its warm enough, i wear flip flops but if not, i wear my vans or converse.

16. what is something you always have to have in your backpack or bag?

usually my laptop and pencil case

17. what is your least favorite subject and why? 

math!!!!!!! will always hate. guarunteed. 

18. have you ever gone to tutoring, if so, how has it helped your academic endeavors? 

i have not

19. have you ever seeked academic counseling, if so has it helped you?

i haven’t

20. has your mental health ever suffered during high school or college, and what did you do to cope? 

holy shit yes. i suffer from depression and anxiety(depression for almost a year and anxiety for 4 years). i could make a whole post about this but in general, i make sure i give myself time to relax. it can be so so hard to take care of yourself when you suffer with things like this, so even if you can barely get out of bed, try to make time to do things that make you happy. for me, it’s drawing, netflix, and video games.

21. do you like to listen to music when studying? if so, what genre, if you have a playlist share it! 

i do listen to music! i just listen to music i like, which is rock/pop punk/alt rock/etc. (here’s one of my playlists!: https://open.spotify.com/user/helenakitten14/playlist/4R6ZGIlz8K5UDEk80cVfV5?si=cXK0z3HTRUKCQSKx9F8tNA )

22. do you prefer to study at a library or at home at your desk?

depends what i’m working on and how much i have to do. if i feel like i have to be totally focused, i go to the library, but if i have some time to take breaks and get distracted, i just stay in my room. I also hate going to the library on my own, so sometimes i stay in my room anyway if no one can come with.

23. what are your top three items you keep on your desk?

my lamp, my laptop, and whatever drink i’m drinking while working( i always have a drink so i avoid snacking lol)

24. do you feel as if you are more productive during the day or in the evenings? 

evenings for sure

25. if you exercise, do you feel as if it affects your productivity and if so how? 

i do marching band which is usually my exercise, but i don’t work out. working out just exhausts me and i don’t have energy to begin with(ye ye depression)

26. do you participate in any extracurriculars and if so how do you manage your time?

marching band and wind ensemble! i’m also joing KKPsi, which is an honorary fraternity for music service! i am not great at time management, however, i plan out everything to hold myself accountable

27. do you use a bullet journal, a planner, or to-do lists? do you use a combination of all three? 

i use a combo of all three! i’ve been bullet journalling a lot recently, but i also use a planner during busy weeks when i dont have time to make a spread and i make to do lists for weekends

28. do you have a note-taking style?

nothing specific

29. do you have a color-coding system?

i like to make every different topic/spread a different color. also, when i make notes, i like to highlight vocab words.

30. what do you believe is one of the most overrated studyblr trends? 

100 days of productivity. its impossible to be completely productive for 100 days straight. shit happens, and i understand the purpose of the 100 days challenge, but i think it also takes a toll on you mentally.

31. what are your career goals, how do you plan to reach them? 

i want to be a veterinarian or someone that works with animals somehow. i hope to go to vet school and then have my own practice or join another practice.

32. do you use a laptop? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model would you like?

i use a macbook air! it is nice because it is easy to transport, but occasionally the functionality can be questionable(storage space is always my issue). i do reccommend it, though. if i could get a new laptop, i’d probably get a macbook pro. 

33. do you use a tablet? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model are you interested in?

i don’t, but i think having an iPad would be nice!

34. if you post pictures to tumblr, do you use a camera or your phone, if so, what is the model? 

i use my iPhone 6s

35. 0.5, 0.7, or 0.9 pencil lead? 

usually .5 or .7

36. 0.5, 0.7, 0.9, or 1.0 pens? 

.5

37. how many hours a day do you spend studying? are your hours consistent daily or do they differ depending on assignments and exams? 

i tend to study for a majority of the day most days, but it always differs. i have no set timetable

38. how many courses do you take? what are they?

so i am in 8 courses right now. Biology, Gen Chem, Bio Lab, Gen Chem Lab, Calculus I, The History of rock n roll, Wind Ensemble, and Marching band.

39. how long until you graduate? in credit hours, semesters, or years?

i still have 3.5 years left of college, which is 7 semesters

40. how did you find the studyblr community?

honestly i dont remember, it was so long ago

41. how did the studyblr community impact you? 

i was in a big funk my sophomore year of high school. i had no motivation, i hated learning, i hated everything tbh. but them i found this community and it inspired me and showed me that studying can be fun and pretty while also being a learning experience!

42. do you go to school in the day or night?

day!

43. what is something you are too afraid to be involved in at school or college and why? 

 in high school, i was very afraid to get involved with a lot of things, such as theatre and some other clubs just because of anxiety.

44. do you type or write your notes? 

i write them mostly, but my biology professor talks really fast so i usually type notes for his class

45. what do you do on your breaks from studying? 

netflix, eat, play video games, probably other stuff i’m forgetting

46. how do you study for math exams?

honestly i just look through lecture notes and hope for the best. occasionally i do practice problems but not often

47. do you rewrite your notes at home after class, or do you just use the ones you have already? why? 

i rewrite them because it helps me memorize things

48. what are your least favorite courses and why?

math of any kind! i also hate biology right now just because my professor sucks

49. are you in a relationship while in school? if so, why? if not, why? 

i recently got out of a relationship, but im open to being in a relationship with someone

50. if you are in a relationship, how do you manage that along with your studies? 

it was very hard to manage it honestly, but i did what i could to make time, even if it was only just having a meal together. 

51. if you aren’t in a relationship, do you plan on entering one while still in school? explain. 

if i find the right person, yea! being in relationsips is great, especially because you have a companion to help you when you’re struggling

52. do you worry about GPA, if so why, if not why?

oh my god yes i do. i have to have a certain GPA to keep my scholarship money and to stay in the honors program, plus i just want to do well.

53. did you or do you plan to take the SAT or ACT, how did you feel about the exams? did you study for them? have you taken it more than once?

i did take both the SAT and ACT. i did well on each, but the SAT was a lot harder for me. I got a 1220(i think) on the SAT and a 31 on the ACT. i took the ACT twice

54. did you or do you plan to take the GRE, LSAT, PCAT, MCAT, DAT (or any other grad exam)? how did it go? how are you or how did you study for it? have you taken it more than once? 

i’m going to take the MCAT

55. do you or did you take AP classes is high school? how do you feel about how they prepared you for college? did your school require you to take the exam?

yes i did take AP classes! i took 9 total, and they overall did help me learn how to manage time better as well as how to study. we weren’t required to take the exams, but i always did

56. do you or did you do the IB program in high school? can you explain it more for those who are unfamiliar with it? 

i did not, however the IB program is basically an intensive high school honors program that is very writing intensive. its like AP on steroids

57. do your or did you take dual-enrollment classes? how did you feel about how they prepared you for college? 

i didnt but i wish i did!

58. how many colleges or universities did you apply to or not? and why?

i applied to 5 colleges. i already knew where i wanted to go, but i wanted to be safe just in case i didnt get in, so i applied to the 5 i was most interested in. I also wanted to see if any other schools would give me a lot more financial aid.

59. how did you make friends in college or high school?

through band! in both situations

60. has your friend group stayed the same throughout your time in school?

yes actually! i’m still very close to all my high school friends and a few of them go to my college as well. of course i’ve met new people but i. also still have the same friends

61. how does your friend group influence your goals?

we all have our own goals, we just encourage each other and act as an outlet for stress

62. what is your favorite thing to learn about in your free time?

music and current events

63. what is your favorite study snack?

i like to eat carrots/pretzels with hummus or oreos

64. what is one thing that can completely make you stop studying? 

being depressed or tired

65. are there days during the week that you keep completely free from studying? 

yes. wednesdays are my hell days class-wise, so i refrain from doing work on those days after my classes are over

66. what do you do when you have to hustle? where do you go? 

i dont know what this means

67. are your parents or family supportive of your goals? if so how does this affect you? 

they’re very supportive!

68. do you like to read? and do you ever have any free time to do so?

i really love reading but i never have time

69. do you wear a watch? why or why not? what kind? 

nope, they annoy me

70. do you like to drink coffee or tea when working? decaf? what do you add to it? why do you like to drink coffee or tea? 

coffee with full caffeine! i always add creamer, and i drink it because it wakes me up 

71. how do you organize your notes after your finish writing them? 

i have notebooks for every class and binders as well

72. what do you do with your notes after the year or semester is over?

i either recycle them if they won’t be necessary anymore or i keep them in my closet

73. what are your favorite studyblrs?

studyign, emmestudies, and a lot more that i can’t think of

74. what are your favorite studygrams?

same as above except add on focusign and revisign!

75. what is the biggest impact a teacher or a professor has had on you?

my band director was very impactful on my life just because he was my teacher for 5 years, so we had a good relationship

76. what is the biggest impact that a class has had on you?

my film and lit class had a massive impact on me. it made me think in very different ways

77. who is your inspiration and who do you look up to academic wise and career wise? 

my dad inspires me a lot because he worked so hard to find a career he loved and kept going until he got there. he’s also endlessly supportive of me

thats it! this took me so long hahaha anyway. thanks for reading!

[fenweak]

a kane/toews rule 63 + genderswap fic rec. just because.

short  = ~2,000

medium = 2,000 - 20,000 words

long = 20,000 - 60,000 words

novel length = 60,000~ words

★ are personal faves 

girl!Jonny

Bluehawk by aohatsu ★ - explicit | medium | friends with benefits | podfic by exmahater

Jo sleeps with Kaner for the second time when she’s twenty-one and gets drunk off her ass in a bar in Vancouver.

only wanna dance with you by maleyka - explicit | medium | pwp

"Comfortable?" Jeannie asks tonelessly, and Patrick wriggles a little more, just to annoy her."Perfect," he says, deriving a great amount of pleasure from Jeannie's huffy sigh.

Jehanne Toews tag by SimoneCloseau (WIP) ★- expicit | medium | hockey player Pat and med student Jonny yesss

like you want me to - explicit | medium | pwp | podfic by exmanhater

So it's easy, when they're drunk and high on winning, and they've been dancing for a while, and Kaner is so so close and breathing heavily against her ear. It's so easy to say, "Wanna go back to mine?"

get on your knees (you’ve got something to prove) -  explicit | medium | friends with benefits | pwp 

“I am actually pretty good at sex though,” Patrick says as a non sequitur, picking back up on the conversation from earlier.

forever i’ll try for you and I by staraflur - teen | medium | college

It’s extra great—whenever Jo’s losing, she always makes like their running point tally competition isn’t real. Tonight’s true to form: when Trish holds up three fingers and points at herself, then two before pointing at Jo, Jo actually scoffs as she pokes at a couple chicken breasts with the tongs, trying to find the best one.

girl!Kaner

Two-Way Forward by exmanhater, torigates  ★ - explicit | medium | epistolary | podfic 

“I think I’m on my phone enough as it is, you know, always texting and emailing, and people complain that I get back to them three, four days later, I’m not fast enough for that. I’m bad enough as it is, and I feel like I’m always on my phone.”

Or; Five Times Pat emailed Jonny and one time he emailed her back.

Like You Have a Secret by Linsky - explicit | long | friends to lovers | girl in disguise | now with a hot new sequel!

Patricia Tabitha Kane is the best freaking hockey player in the NCAA, and it is ridiculously unfair that her brother is the one with an invitation to the Blackhawks prospect camp.

something old, something new by longtime_lurker ★ - explicit | medium  | friends to lovers | outdoor/wedding sex! | podfic by exmanhater

Jonny's standard canned press response is that he loves Kaner like a sister...which is perfectly true, if you’re talking like on Game of Thrones.

Like Other Girls by BlackEyedGirl - mature | medium | female friendships | podfic by smoulderandbraids, by | art by esouffle

Pat's relationship with the media has been fraught since she was drafted, second round, home to Buffalo. Her relationship with her new Captain, when she eventually winds up in Chicago a couple of years later, doesn't start off a whole lot better. But by the time she's flying back from Biel, she's willing to admit that she had missed their thing just a little, weird as he's always been around her.

Write Our Names On the Wall by twentysomething ★ - medium | friends with benefits 

 "What are you saying?" Johnny says slowly, because this sounds like she's trying to pick him up, which is impossible, because if Kaner has one concrete rule, it's ‘anyone but teammates.’

"We can help each other out here," Kaner suggests, crossing her legs in her too-short skirt. "That's all. Two friends helping each other out in a dry spell. You're free to do whatever. It wouldn't be a big deal."

Cutting Into You series by elisera - explicit | medium | friends to lovers, established relationship | friends with benefits 

Maybe she needs to stop complaining to him about guys not dropping everything to fuck her. Kaner does, and he’s basically been looking at her ever since they both hit puberty, so. + There’s people everywhere, music thumping through the main room and drowning out most of whatever everyone’s shouting at each other, and she needs to get out there, right in the middle of it, celebrate the fuck out of this Cup win with her team, but Johnny doesn’t give a single fuck right now. First things first.

anorgasmic girl!Kaner by fourfreedoms ★ - explicit | medium | follow up here | slack shenanigans and elevator hijinks, and a smug Jonathan making girl Patrick have the time of her life. A+

Life is a Dance Floor by bessyboo, thisissirius - teen | medium | friends to lovers

The first time I met Jonathan Toews, he let a door close in my face. Not one of those metaphorical doors that get shut ‘cause I’m a girl in the NHL, but a literal door.

All the things we never thought we wanted by toewsyourheart - mature | long | established relationship | angst | miscarriage | pat is a psychiatrist, jonny is a still in the nhl

Pat and Jonathan lean on each other to get through an unexpected loss. this is a story about grief, and a love solid enough to help you out of it.

patricia kane, figure skater by allthebros - short | olympics AU

the shape of you by thundersquall - explicit | medium | college AU

Patricia Kane. Well, Jonny at least has her name now.He can't help but watch her as she pulls herself out of the pool to sit at the side, laughing at something Dayna just said. She lifts her arms to fumble at her bun and then pulls her hair-tie off, shaking her hair out; Jonny stares, transfixed, as a cascade of thick blonde curls tumble down her back."Oh boy," Sharpy says. "Guys, Tazer is smitten. Look at his face.""Shut the fuck up," Jonny says, as the guys start hooting and laughing. "I just - I think she's pretty cute, that's all."

Pat(ricia) by friskaz - teen | medium 

 There's no way to tell, with her clothes on, that she's not who she says she is, Patrick Kane, rockstar of the NHL.[Always-a-girl AU]

Zero is our hero. by BoyGirlBothNoneImTheUniverse - mature | medium | high school AU

Patricia Kane gets a boyfriend and not much else happens.

Hang Up and You Call Right Back by cupstealer, SimoneCloseau  (WIP)- explicit | medium | enemies to lovers | college AU

Toews. Diana is grinding with Jonathan Toews. Aw, really? That guy? She hates that guy. Pat watches, disgusted as he bends his head to Diana’s neck, lips skimming the skin there.

Patricia Kane unwittingly follows Jonathan Toews to UND.

Think We Fell In Love + sequels | podfic - explicit | medium | friends with benefits | 

Jonny and Kaner have a lot of sex. Then they're dipshits about it.

+ Post-lockout sex.Or, Jonny and Kaner are still dipshits, but now they're dipshits who know they're in love with each other.(now with bonus fisting pwp)

This song is the cross that i bear (bear with me) - explicit | medium | friends to lovers | ice dancing AU

Because when you get right down to it, winning a gold medal was always more plausible to him than sleeping with Joanie Toews.

+ genderqueer Pat: 

Drawing Lines In The Palm of Your Hand by Sharksdontsleep - explicit | medium | podfic by Opalsong

“I kind of proved a lot of people wrong and proved to myself I can play this game in this body.” - Pat Kane

Genderqueer AU.

cause everyone’s heart doesn’t beat the same- explicit | medium | trans Pat

"Thirteen year old Pat Kane has short hair and a shorter temper, stands at five foot nothing and wants you to know about it. He plays hockey like he'll die if he can't, and if you have a problem with him, you have a problem with his whole team.

That's the way he's always wanted it."

1988 femslash!

That Round and Round Thing series by exmanhater  ★  - explicit | medium | podfic by bessyboo | roller derby AU

Pat’s pretty sure this has been the most confusing week she’s ever had since that time in fourth grade when she got her period for the first time in the middle of gym while wearing white shorts and thought she was dying, despite her mother’s previously imparted information about puberty (true fucking story). Or, the real account of how Patricia Kane and Jonny Toews, roller derby stars, finally pulled their heads out of their asses and started banging.

Shut Up Honey by aohatsu - teen | medium | mutual pining | friends to lovers | podfic by exmanhater

It's just a little frustrating, that Patricia can be so good at their sport, and then still look the way she does.

press yourself into me series by LikeAMovieIOnceSaw - explicit | medium | established relationship | pwp

"Oh my gosh, look at that butt" was the first thing she'd ever said to Jonny. They went from there.

I Was Busy Thinkin' 'Bout (Girls) by Linsky - explicit | long | friends with benefits

Jonny looks away quickly, cheeks going hot. She knows better than to stare at other girls’ breasts in the locker room.

You Might Want To Turn Your Head by exmanhater - explicit | medium | pegging! | established relationship | second part of a series about colliding genderbending universes

"It's not very big," he says, voice light and teasing. "You think I can't handle more than that?"

"We'll get there," Jonny says. "Start slow, eh?" 

Patrick laughs. "Oh, for sure," he says, doing his unfortunately accurate generic Canadian accent. Jonny doesn't think it's fair that she lives full-time in a world where Patrick Kane has a decent Canadian accent, but as long as she gets to wring orgasms out of him, she's prepared to accept it.

Pass Me Through Your Fingertips - mature | medium | friends with benefits

Five Times Jonny Noticed Kaner and One Time Kaner Noticed Her Back

 “I mean it, Tazer baby. We’re gonna show those boys how it’s done.”And Jonny looked her up and down one more time, before reaching out to tug a few curls into place, flicking her on the nose once for good measure.“We always do,” she said, and her gaze was locked on Kaner’s and Kaner felt like she could take over the entire world.

girl i've never loved one like you - explicit | medium | roomie troubles

Pat has the hotel room to herself, and she decides it’s not at all unreasonable to make good use of her alone time to have some, ahem, alone time.And then Toews walks in.(In which Kane and Toews face orgasms and feelings. They do alright.)

Strings Definitely Attached - mature | short | pining | podfic by exmanhater

“It’d be convenient, and it makes sense,” Pat says when she brings it up, her shoulders curving in a shrug as she slides her way into Janie’s space and lets her fingers brush Janie’s wrist in a touch that’s innocent, a sly, winsome smile on her face that is anything but.

genderswap

i get a good feeling that i never had before, no no by forochel - explicit | medium |  suddenly-a-girl!Pat

 kaner gets turned into a girl in the aftermath of game 6.me in an email: "it takes their minds off the loss okay! like, who the fuck can break down over that when they have this problem to solve. right here."and solve it they do. they solve it hard. everywhere. all day long.

pretty good looking for a girl by liketheroad - medium | suddenly-a-girl!Jonny

In which Jonny turns into a short, ugly girl, but Patrick still wants to hit that anyway.

my backwards walk - explicit | medium | suddenly-a-girl!Jonny | 

Jonny groaned again, then flinched at the sound of his own voice. He lifted his head and shoulders off the bed, stared down at his now much more shapely body. Threw his head back on the pillow, closed his eyes tight, then opened them again.

The breasts were still there.

 still into you by altri_uccelli ★ - explicit | novel length | suddenly-a-girl!Jonny | friends with benefits

It's not even 12 hours after Jonny discovers he's a girl that he's sprawled on an itchy sofa, biting on his fist and being eaten out by Patrick Kane. He can't believe that a day exists in which having oral sex with Kaner, his oldest friend on the team and frequently a pain in his ass, is not the weirdest thing to happen.

Disney Rules and Physics by sailorstkwrning - teen | medium | parallel universe

Patrick Kane and his rule!63 self swap places; Jonny gets them back where they belong.

Do You Know What You Started? by Linsky - explicit | medium | porn with feelings | masturbation

Jonny gets turned into a girl, and Patrick doesn’t recognize him. Jonny really shouldn’t take advantage of this.He really, really shouldn’t.

the shadow and the frame by longtime_lurker - explicit | medium | friends with benefits

"Quit freaking out," Kaner says, breath hot in Jonny's ear. "We're both chicks right now, nothing gay about that.""Do you even listen to yourself?" Jonny mutters.

For fic inquires. Rec me a fic?

Happy reading!

[neewtmas]

{#32} i’m her boyfriend // newt au (part iii)

fandom: the maze runner

pairing: newt x reader

word count: 1,7k words

request: by @newtsslut​

summary: not everyone is happy with y/n’s and newt’s relationship

part i  / part ii / part iv

masterlist

Instead of an answer, he just leaned down and pulled you into a passionate kiss, one hand behind your neck, the other on your waist, pulling you close to his warm body.

A few weeks later you entered the Building together, you holding his hand and you approached your lockers, which were almost next to each other, much to your convenience. You typed in your locker combination and opened the creaky door, taking out the books you needed for today's classes.

After you shut your locker again, Newt gave you a short yet loving kiss on the lips and the sweet smile he had reserved for you and only you, before he headed off to his friends from the basketball team, while you squeezed yourself through the crowd of students, on your way to your first class, chemistry.  

After you had taken your seat in the back of the classroom, you rested your head on your arms, staring out of the window into the distance, feeling your eyelids getting heavier and yourself dozing off.

A few hours later, you strutted into the canteen, quickly spotting your friends and taking a seat next to Brenda. You heavily put down your books on the table and buried your head in your arm, sighing. 

"I hate school", you mumbled into the fabric of your sweater, earning a pitying pat on the shoulder by Brenda.

"This bad?"

You nodded. "Chemistry was a drag. Where's Newt by the way?" 

Brenda pointed over her shoulder to a table across the room. "Over there, with his team and the cheerleaders."

You searched the table and almost immediately spotted your boyfriend. 

Smiling, you got up to pay him a visit but slowly sank back into the uncomfortable chair as you saw him talking with a pretty Girl.

"Who's this girl next to him?" You furrowed your eyebrows, feeling a hint of jealousy.

Brenda turned around, throwing a quick glance over the room. "Oh, that's Cathy. Don’t you know her? Captain of the cheerleader team and very popular. I don’t like her."

Teresa leaned closer to you. "If I were you, I would be careful. I always had the feeling she liked Newt."

Brenda scoffed contemptuously. "She doesn’t like him. She likes his popularity and i'm sure she would love to be his girlfriend just because he's the captain of the basketball team." 

"I -" The bell rang, interrupting your sentence and causing the students around you to gather their things from the tables and rush to the doors.

You slowly followed Teresa and Brenda, but your attention was on Newt and Cathy, who walked a few meters in front of you, Cathy pressed close to your boyfriend and obviously flirting with him.

She seemed to felt your burning stare and turned her head, meeting your gaze and holding eye contact.

Her full, pink lips curved into a mocking smirk, and she laid her hand on Newts upper arm and raised her perfectly plucked eyebrows at you in a provocative manner, before she turned her head, letting her hair follow the movement.

Without noticing, you had stopped dead in your tracks, balling your hands into fists, rage flowing through your veins at the thought of this girl flirting with Newt. You turned swiftly around, angrily stomping in the other direction, away from your boyfriend and his pretty Company.

*Time skip to end of the school day*

Just like this morning, you stood at your open locker, this time stuffing your books into it, not bothering to hide the irritation that followed you since the incident with Cathy and Newt at lunch.

When you shut the door, you stepped back in surprise as Cathy stood next to you, her back against the locker next to yours. Her hair was effortlessly thrown into a messy bun, yet still looked better than yours after 2 hours of styling. Or so you thought.

She wore a pretty smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes and her high pitched voice was as fake as it could be as she eyed you as if you were some kind of disgusting insect. 

"So you are Newts ...girlfriend?"

You could feel your self-confidence shrink under her intense gaze and didn't answer.

"Isn't it sad? Newt could do so much better. Some people have such low standards." She shook her head in fake disappointment and casually picked at her fingernails.

"What do you want?", you asked with a slightly quivering voice, mustering up all the courage you had. Newt chose you, not her.

"What I want?" Suddenly her pretty smile was gone, her clear blue eyes squinted together and her plump lips pressed together into a thin line. "I want you to stay the fuck away from Newt. I want him, and I'll get him." 

You made a step back, surprised by her sudden change of attitude. She began to smile again as she noticed your discomfiture and spoke in a sweet voice: "You know, Newt is always so nice to me, really, you could mistake us as a couple." She pushed herself off the locker. "Well, if you didn’t know with whom Newt wastes his time."

You suddenly felt as if a cold hand clenched your heart, making every intake of breath almost impossible. In all the weeks of dating Newt, you never once felt insecure about yourself or even doubted his love for you. All his affections, the kisses... He had made you feel so loved, was it all fake? 

You could feel tears well up behind your eyes at the mere thought of Newt breaking up with you to be with Cathy. 

But now, as you thought about it... Soon your mind was flooded with pictures of them both together. They would be the dream couple of the whole school, the Captain of the Cheerleader Team and the Captain of the Basketball Team. 

She was right, Newt could do better. He was such a great person, sweet, loving, caring and the best-looking guy you ever met, at least in your eyes. And Cathy... she looked perfect. An amazing figure paired with an angelic face with bright blue eyes and wavy chestnut hair that looked effortless good however she styled it. In comparison to her, you were... nothing.

All these thoughts shot through your head in a matter of seconds and Cathy just stood there, smiling deviously at your state.

"So stay the fuck away from Newt, you ugly -"

Suddenly you could feel yourself being pulled back into a warm chest and Newt’s voice rang through the air: "What is going on here?" You never heard his voice being so cold, you were sure he could freeze the whole school with it if he wanted to.

Cathy scrunched up her face, but quickly straightening her posture and crossing her arms across her chest, causing her already low top to reveal even more of her cleavage.

"Newt, good you are here! You have to help me, your girlfriend is so mean to me", she whined, clearly aiming for Newt’s sympathy.

"Don't bother Cathy, I've heard everything", Newt said flatly, turning you around at your shoulders and brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. "You ok?" You nodded, relieved that Newt was obviously on your side.

He glanced over your shoulder, squinted his eyes at something and without a warning, pressed his lips on yours. You didn't know why he did this just now, but you willingly kissed back, sliding your hands up his back and connected them behind his neck as he pushed you against your locker, deepening the kiss. 

Feeling Cathy's stare burn into your head, you did your best to ignore her and concentrate fully on Newt and the sensation of his body against yours.

After what felt like an eternity, he broke the kiss, allowing you both to gasp for air. He quickly pecked your lips again and then turned to Cathy, wrapping his arm around your shoulder at the action. 

The cheerleader stood there, staring dumbly at you.

"Better think twice next time before you going to insult her again or even thinking about it. Did I make myself clear? I'm taken and I do not intend on changing that, especially not for you."

He pulled you with him, squeezing through the small crowd that had formed around us and led you down the hallway, his lips curved into a small, satisfied smile.

Before you disappeared around the corner, you turned your head to Cathy, who stood still at the same spot, arms crossed and eyes squeezed together, looking furious.

You couldn’t restrain yourself, copied her exact expression from lunch and laid your hand on Newts upper arm before you threw your hair across your shoulder.

When you reached the main entrance, Newt took his arm off your shoulder, and you smiled shyly up to him.

"Thank you. For standing up for me", you mumbled, fiddling with the hem of your Shirt.

He enveloped you in a tight and comforting hug. "Don’t ever let you tell I wouldn't love you because I do. And I don’t ‘deserve better’, how she put it, because there is nothing better than you. I love you."

I snuggled closer in his arms. "I love you too."

After Newt broke the hug, he checked the clock. "I gotta go, basketball practice", he said, then averted averted his gaze upwards, where big grey clouds hung low in the sky.

"It looks like rain", he stated, eyebrows scrunched together. "Better take my jacket."

He took it off and tugged it tightly around your shoulders. As you opened your mouth to protest - he would need his jacket after practice -  he quickly kissed you, swallowing your words. "Don't. You look adorable in it, and I don't need it. Now get home safe, love."

He pecked the tip of your nose, then made his way back to his Team.

You smiled contently, humming as you pulled the jacket closer around your body, subconsciously inhaling Newt’s familiar scent that surrounded you, before you started walking home, all your insecurities vanished after Newt had shown you how much he loved you once again.

*Next Day*

The next day you stepped into the building, walking to your locker, where Newt already waited for you.

When he saw you, still wearing his jacket, his smile grew bigger, and when you proceeded to take it off and give it back to him, he lightly put his hand on top of yours to stop you.

"Don't. I like you wearing my clothes, they look really good on you. Also, it shows everyone that you are taken."

You smiled and squeezed his hand, straightening your back so that everyone could see who you belonged to as you walked through the hallway next to your boyfriend.

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