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archiveikemen · 1 year

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Amamiya Henri Main Story — Chapter 14

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Kanade: He would always step away and watch us from the sidelines.

Kanade: It’s as if he’s putting himself in the audience's shoes.

Kanade: That bad habit of his has stuck with him from those days, all the way until now.

MC: Oh gosh…

I gasped when I heard Kanade’s words.

(As expected, Kanade is aware of it too.)

== Flashback Start ==

Henri: Especially in high school, where I met Kanade and Kyoichiro.

Henri: I realized that no amount of hard work can make me on the same level as geniuses.

Henri: Up till then, I’ve been doing everything without really trying, so I can just continue doing so.

Henri: That’s what I told myself.

Henri: But I knew deep down that it was because I didn't want to hurt myself.

== Flashback End ==

I was thinking about what Henri said to me at the cafe, and…

MC: Um.

I looked up at the two of them.

I was about to ask what they felt about that, when—

Henri: Oh? MC is here too.

I turned around when I heard the living room door open, and saw Henri.

MC: Yeah. Kyoichiro invited me.

Henri: Eh— but you turned me down when I invited you—

Henri smiled and plopped down right next to me, as if that were the most natural thing to do.

Maybe it was his shampoo, but a sweet and refreshing smell coming from Henri’s hair wafted into my nose.

Henri: What were you guys talking about?

MC: Uhm, I was listening to stories about the three of you during your high school days.

Even while responding to his question, I was still feeling nervous because not only could I smell him, the distance between our thighs was so small that they were almost touching.

(Henri is sitting so close to me…)

As I gripped my hands tightly and placed them on my lap, Henri didn’t notice my reaction and continued talking.

Henri: You mean stories like the one about the legendary King Kanade who controlled the entire school, from its student council, all the way to even its teachers?

Henri: Or the one about a fight amongst the male students over Kyoichiro—

Kyoichiro: … Hey. How come I don't know about that one?

Kyoichiro raised his eyebrows, and Henri grinned happily.

Henri: Eh— the sports club and culture club were competing over who got to have you in their club.

Henri moved his face closer to me and whispered in my ear.

Henri: I’m not exaggerating, you know? It's a true story.

MC: O-Oh.

I felt a sweet ticklish feeling radiating through my body from my ear, when…

Kyoichiro: Henri. Instead of talking about other people, why don't you talk about yourself?

Kyoichiro said with a sigh.

Henri: Uhhh I don’t have a “legacy” like the two of you, so my stories are boring.

Kyoichiro: … You’re always saying that.

Kanade: Hm.

Henri then turned to me and spoke.

Henri: MC, are you… interested in hearing my stories?

MC: Yes! Of course.

Seeing my enthusiastic response, Henri’s face instantly lit up.

Henri: Got it~ Ah, but I genuinely have nothing much to share.

Henri: Hmm well then, a long time ago, I…

I felt my heart beating faster and faster as I listened to him.

(It could be because I’ve been drinking, but I'm being more aware about the close distance between us than usual…)

I couldn't seem to get used to the lack of distance between our thighs and shoulders.

(I should move away a little.)

Kyoichiro chuckled while listening to Henri’s story.

Kyoichiro: You’re the one who had lots of friends, Henri. Both guy friends and girl friends.

Henri: Ah— I wanted to make 100 friends in high school and eat onigiri at the top of Mt. Fuji with them.

Kanade: Mt. Fuji? What are you talking about?

Henri: Ehh— Kanade, you haven't heard this one before?

Kyoichiro: It's the lyrics of a childrens’ song.

Kanade: I see. Sing that childrens’ song for us, Henri.

Henri: Now!? I don't want to. Kyoichiro should sing it!

While listening to their lively conversations, I sipped the alcohol Kyoichiro poured me.

The three were chatting happily about their high school days.

(It feels great… listening to everyone’s stories about Henri like this.)

(I want to hear more!)

My heart was pounding with excitement, and the alcohol tasted better than usual.

Just like that, it was getting late into the night…

I was struggling to keep my eyes open.

Kyoichiro: Stop leaning on me, Kanade. Hey.

Kanade: … I’m not leaning on you.

Kanade’s groans and Kyoichiro nagging as he looked after a drunk Kanade could be heard in the distance.

(This isn't good… I’m getting sleepy.)

When my body started to incline and I was about to knock out…

Henri: Heeyy, MC.

MC: Mm… oh.

The moment I opened my eyes, I saw that Henri’s face was right in front of mine.

Henri: Are you sleepy?

MC: … No. I’m fine.

I quickly looked up and shook my head.

Henri: Eh—? Really? I thought you looked like you were about to fall asleep.

MC: Uh…

(I think I had too much to drink.)

Kyoichiro: Leave the tidying up to me, Henri. You too, Kanade.

Henri: Okay~

Henri responded cheerfully, reached his hand out towards me, and…

MC: Oh! Wah!

I exclaimed in a small voice when my body, which had been seated on the sofa just a second ago, was now in the air.

MC: What!?

All of a sudden, I was being carried in Henri’s arms.

(Is this a princess carry…!?)

Henri: I’ll carry you like this, princess.

MC: P-Princess!? Please put me down, I’m heavy.

Henri: Haha! It’s fine, it’s fine~

Just like how we helped the lost girl earlier in the day, Henri started walking with me in his arms.

(Is Henri drunk too!?)

No matter how many times I told him “put me down”, he would only respond with a smile.

I ended up being carried back to my room.

…

Henri opened the door to my room and entered.

He then gently lowered me onto my bed.

Henri: We’re here!

I heard the sound of the bed creaking.

While laying down, I looked up at Henri.

Henri: Hm?

MC: … I was woken up by you.

Henri: Haha

Disregarding what I said, Henri sat down at the edge of my bed and reached his hand out.

He gently caressed my forehead and spoke.

Henri: Do you need a lullaby?

Henri: Should I call Kanade over?

MC: N-No, thank you. … I can’t ask for such luxury.

Henri: That’s a luxury indeed.

Henri gave me a small smile and his fingers stopped moving.

He rested his hand on my temple.

The lingering feeling of his touch made me nearly forget how to breathe.

(This is so embarrassing and my heart is going crazy… )

After staring at each other in silence for a while, I heard the bed creak again.

Henri: Good night, MC.

Just as Henri was about to leave my room, I…

MC: … Wait.

Henri stopped in his tracks when I called out to him.

Henri: Yeah?

Henri’s voice sounded more gentle than usual, it felt pampering to hear.

He slowly walked back to me and looked into my face.

Henri: What’s up, MC?

MC: Henri… um…

Henri: Hmm?

MC: … You shouldn't… be so nice.

I told him my most honest words.

Henri: Why?

MC: I might get the wrong idea.

Henri: … Oh.

I heard Henri chuckle.

(I have more to say, but I’m so sleepy… I don't think I can keep my eyes open.)

My eyelids became half closed, and I could see Henri reaching his hand towards me again.

His fingers touched my forehead like he did just now, and…

(... Ah.)

Something softer than his fingers touched my forehead.

Henri: That's fine with me.

Henri muttered and pulled away, then he got off my bed again.

Henri: Good night.

He turned my room’s lights off and closed the door behind him as he left.

(What was that?)

(That felt like a forehead kiss.)

I vaguely remembered that soft touch on my forehead.

I wanted to remember it even more clearly, but the drowsiness got to me and my eyelids grew heavy.

(Maybe I’m imagining things.)

This time, I fell asleep and entered dreamland…—

…

When I woke up the next morning, I took a quick shower in my room’s attached bathroom.

I looked at the bright sun from my window while toweling my hair dry.

(I spent the whole day going on a date with Henri yesterday, and drank with everyone in SilverVine.)

(And…)

== Flashback Start ==

MC: I might get the wrong idea.

Henri: That's fine with me.

== Flashback End ==

MC: …!?

(W-What!?)

My heart started hammering hard against my chest the moment I recalled those word that sounded so sweet like honey.

(T-That was a dream, right? Those words.)

(Don’t tell me that you're fine with me getting the wrong idea.)

…

I changed my clothes and headed to the living room to calm myself down.

Henri had just finished his breakfast and was about to leave for work.

Henri: Oh. Good morning, MC.

MC: Good morning.

He was wearing his usual smile, but I briefly saw his facial expression stiffen.

(I knew it. That was just a dream.)

I kept trying to convince myself that it was just a dream, but I couldn't help looking away awkwardly…

MC: … Wah.

Henri suddenly touched my forehead.

I turned to look at him in surprise, and our eyes met.

His gaze that seemed to contain a hidden passion burning behind those eyes took my breath away.

(H-Huh…!?)

While I was stuck at a loss for words, Henri smiled.

Henri: I’ll get going now.

#ikemen live #ikemen series #cybird ikemen #cybird otome #otome #ikelive main story #henri main story

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dearestaeneas · 2 years

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hi! haven’t done a book upload in a while. i tried working on this throughout nanowrimo, and for the most part i did! i definitely got a huge chunk created during november. currently we’re at 56,672 words! i’ve been feeling insecure about this lately for some reason, i assume its just general insecurities. here’s a little section of my kids. those of you who’ve read sections before haven’t met Adrian yet. i care about that freak a lot, i’m afraid. i hope you like this! but also please, please god, do not hesitate to tell me stuff you dislike, too! (i worried about this being too spoiler-y but i think i post these sections randomly enough that it doesn’t give anything away, really)

as always, other sections of the book are tagged “abc” on my blog or if you go to my table of contents on the pinned post i tag them as “[book exerpt]” :3

---

It was dusk by the time they reached the shop. Branwen’s nervous aura had settled, leaving her lighter. Making a beeline for the bedroom, she lay contentedly, Todd curled up on her stomach. In the next room Celeste’s voice was low and muffled, broken occasionally by the clinking of pots and cups. It was hard to imagine that someday it might not be there. No, she thought. I can’t afford to do that right now. Besides, Ardan is right.

It had been so long since she was forced to think like a mortal that her very being felt shaky, wobbling with centuries of disuse. Back when she was still selling those glorified juices, she’d wondered what it would be like to lose him. At the time, it was too painful to even think about. That meeting with Casek, which at this point felt like centuries ago on its own, awoke another realization in her: she hadn’t missed that life. It was frustrating to not remember his name or his face, but the memories were still there, and Casek was still there. She remembered the ache in her chest and the fear of loss, but loss came and went and she was…fine.

He would be long dead now, a fact that had at one point been her greatest fear. Should she mourn him?

But he wasn’t Celeste. But, the situation itself wasn’t that different, was it? She groaned at the idea of admitting for a second time, even if it was only to herself, that Ardan was right. Things are supposed to die and she was just in the minority. She’s not gone yet. There’s also a sign with the word “might” plastered on it over this whole thing.

The word “eventually” flashed across her mind again. She’d be happy for Celeste if it did happen. Eventually. That was okay for now.

For now, she closed her eyes and took in everything: the feeling of Todd's steady snores against her abdomen; Celeste’s muffled voice, now broken by muffled giggles from Ardan; distant sounds of music, seeping in from the street.

The music grew louder until Todd stirred. Now it was mingled with the sounds of voices blending together, shouting and singing and laughing. The dog rose, groggy for only a moment before howling in unison with the blaring horns from the street. Branwen trailed behind him, entering the empty main room. Todd pawed at the front door, which Celeste opened from outside. Her face lit up at the sight of a confused Branwen, pulling her through the door saying, “We thought you were asleep!”

A stream of bodies, not too unlike the sea the roads became when the circus visited, poured past the rows of buildings. Fireflies speckled the sky, bright against what was now a navy so deep it was almost black. There was order in this stream, though: the edges of the street were lined with people watching as the parade ambled past, the sounds of brass and snares floating above them. People walked alongside the parade, balloons clutched in hand. A tall woman dressed in a sparkling purple suit broke ranks to lean toward them, brandishing a rose to Ardan with a wink. Her uniform closely resembled that of the band behind her, the gold detailing of it blazing whenever the light from the fireflies caught it.

The lightning bugs themselves danced with the music, bouncing with the melody. Their lights alone were dull but together lit the streets in such a way that the lamps were almost unnecessary.

Performers in all silver now passed by, walking on their hands or carrying one another on their shoulders. The parade stopped, the band marking time in place as the gymnasts entered formation. They climbed one another until they formed a pyramid, upon which a lone performer began climbing like stairs. Once at the top he gave a deep bow before jumping further into the sky and becoming a bat. The pyramid collapsed neatly, like a stack of cards, and the pile of bodies became one. The man stood to raucous applause and bowed as deeply as his colleague, who popped back into the air above him in his human form. He landed comfortably on the man’s shoulders and the applause doubled. The parade resumed, the performers cartwheeling away as one massively tall creature.

Someone dressed like a ringleader handed out balloons to the watchers, their lipstick the same vibrant green as their long braids. They blew theatrical kisses to Celeste and Branwen after thrusting two purple and gold striped balloons into their hands. Ardan laughed brightly as his friends mimicked the gesture back at them as something caught his eye. On the other side of the parade stood a tall man whose hands were buried deep in his pockets. No one else seemed to take any notice of him, but he appeared to be studying the crowd. His dark eyes seemed to be studying them in particular. Heat rose in Ardan’s cheeks as Adrian’s face split into a grin. He waved and despite the throng around and between them, Ardan felt his stomach drop at the understanding no one saw the movement except him. A new wave of performers passed by- this time in gold with purple detailing- and once the other side of the street came back into view Adrian was gone.

#original writing #original story #book excerpt #abc #original characters

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weaselishmcdiesel · 2 years

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no comment no comment no comment no comment

#ok comment i just never see This dynamic and it's my favorite one #i dont control the thoughts i have at 3 am most of them mumbo #anyway sorry to tag this mumbo #mumbo #art #my art #hc #hermitshipping #sorta. guess it doesnt have to be #still to nervous to upload this to the main blog #interpret this whichever way makes your heart sing

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yeolmae-s · 3 years

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a chanbaek analysis from a veteran exo-l (part 2)

CLICK HERE TO READ PART ONE

Writing this was a bit harder in comparison to the first part, because I wanted to organize things into a neat timeline, but I ended up not having enough patience for it lol specially because both of ChanBaek's main archive blogs seem to have deleted their pages documenting each date of EXO's early years. Therefore I apologize in advance if this part is a bit more messy. Also, please don't forget that all of this is my opinion and I don't mean for any of it to be taken as truth!

I kind of want to jump from MAMA era directly into Wolf era, since we don't really have a lot of cover regarding their debut phase besides Chanyeol's overeagerness and Baekhyun's awkwardness towards it, so to sum it up, I felt as if Chanyeol was more confident and consistent on what he thought an idol should act like, while Baekhyun (sweet, innocent Baekhyun who was a trainee for less than a year!) was still unsure on how to act on camera.

On the few early variety shows/interviews EXO appeared on, the members always pointed out how funny Baekhyun was, how good he'd be at variety and at doing imitations, but he never really lived up to all the praise on camera, although off of it, he most likely was as good as his members claimed.

He was a bit stiff on his early days in comparison to what we see today, and that's normal, I guess, since he debuted really quickly, but when you compare him to Chanyeol the contrast is so interesting, because the latter was able to latch on to a persona as soon as the public gave him one, while to me, Baekhyun was still doubtful regarding what to put on display. In the end, deep inside, Baekhyun is a private person, and was even more so when he wasn't confident enough to talk to fans like he does today.

Once again, I’m sorry for not being able to upload the gifs directly into the post, so I’ll just link them like I did on my last one.

This is another one of the moments where Baek appears to tell Chanyeol to just. Hold on for a bit.

There's another one similar to this where Chanyeol does the same thing (try to whisper on Baekhyun's ear) and Baekhyun fake laughs and stares at a fan's camera right after. Then, his expression just goes blank. It's really interesting to watch because you can just see the gears spinning on Chanyeol's brain as he stares at Baekhyun for a second and clearly thinks alright, fanservice time, and leans in to whisper something: it happens so fast you just know it wasn't genuine whispering, just a playful interaction for the fans, and Baekhyun's direct stare to the camera as soon as it happens just confirms this for me.

1: Chanyeol spots his target.

2: He’s really thinking this through.

3: Baek's in a perfect position for whispering-time, so he leans in and does his thing.

4: Baekhyun laughs.

5: And stares directly at a fan's camera.

6: Immediately regrets his life choices. Chanyeol looks pleased.

It's actually better to watch the whole thing, so I'll leave it here. (starts on 0:28!)

(Random note: on this date EXO perfomed a cover of H.O.T's We Are The Future, and I feel like a lot of new EXO-Ls have not seem it and I adore this performance, so I'll link it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1-z4s3fdgo)

Now let's jump on to Wolf era, shall we?

Wolf era

I can't help but laugh when I think about how wild 2013 was for both EXO and EXO-Ls. They had their first hit song (which was Growl, not Wolf) the fandom grew considerably, shippers where just discovering the cute ISAC moments between "BaekYeol" and "HunHan"... Or at least that's how everyone remembers most of what happened during that year.

Are we forgetting the rumoured ChanBaek fight?

Considering their past interactions on airports, SMTOWN concerts, ISAC and other events, ChanBaek was now widely known to be close to each other. Baekhyun even said Chanyeol was the one who made him open up, and both of them mentioned feeling this "connection" to each other as soon as they met (although jokingly).

After Mama, the fandom was content-less for a considerable period of time, and what most people did was sharing around old performances and repeat overused memes. I think that in every fandom there is a period where fans establish their main inside jokes and basically just get together to create a collective line of thought for perceiving their idols. That being said, one of the most well established facts in the fandom was that Chanyeol and Baekhyun were close. That was a fact.But then Wolf came, and they suddenly were not.

This gif is a good example of how awkward their interactions were. Not even my delusional shipping brain in 2013 was able to come up with an explanation for it.

They simply did not acknowledge each other at all, and Chanyeol appeared to be closer to Kyungsoo (I think Baekhyun interacted a lot with Tao, but that may have been during the Growl era, not Wolf. As I said before, I'm a Chanyeol stan guys, sorry lmao).

Point is, these two boys who seemed to be best friends suddenly were clearly distant from one another.

What added fuel to the fire of the rumours was their appearance on Sukira, a radio show, where Sehun cried because the members sometimes had fights. Here's a fanacc:

[130530] EXO at Sukira

Sehun cried because the members sometimes fight.

Sehun: "Let's be loyal to each other, don't fight, and go until the end"

D.O: "We've been under a lot of stress lately because of the comeback, so I wish we won't fight in the future and do our best"

Here's a video cut of this part of their interview.

I think this ask on lets-talk-baekyeol, a popular ChanBaek analysis blog from back in the day, shows how curious a lot of fans were.

What happened back then?

There's really no answer for that. On my opinion, not even Chanyeol or Baekhyun could give us a concrete answer on it, because I don't think an actual fight happened. For me, it was most likely a personality clash, a disagreement that probably wasn't even voiced out loud, just both of them noticing how uncomfortable things got, if Baekhyun's reactions to Chanyeol's fanservice is any indication. I somehow doubt there was a specific episode that created this distance between them, specially because during Growl, they went back to being friends, although not as touchy on camera as before, as if one of them had established their limits (oh, I wonder who!), but I still have this feeling that all of this was unspoken, because unspoken things seem to be a pattern on ChanBaek's relationship (something I'll touch on later, hopefully).

But it was during Growl era that I noticed something else about Baekhyun.

Wolf era

EXO'S Showtime was a such a gift. I recommend reading lets-talk-baekyeol's blog for this. I don't really agree with everything they say they do present a lot of relevant points. I may repeat them here, since I noticed them myself as well, but credits for them nonetheless.

I remember finding the lack of ChanBaek interactions during the episodes really dissappointing, but considering the Wolf Era drought, this was better than nothing.

My 13 year old self was devastated when Baekhyun appeared so quiet during Chanyeol's birthday episode, and during a recent rewatch of it, I think realized why.

Baekhyun doesn't like superficial things. It's not that Chanyeol is insincere, but he's just better than Baekhyun is at handling people pleasing, even when he doesn't really mean what's he saying/doing. The Chanyeol birthday episode was heavily centered on Chanyeol's random admiration for Kai, which I think we can all agree that it was a little bit scripted or a really spur of the moment thing that they just ran along with and oh man. Baekhyun did not want to be part of it.

During ChanKai's hug, this is what he looked like on the background, and the poor boy even refused to eat cake. He's just in the back, which is weird, because he's such a talkative person and Chanyeol is one of his closest friends. The only moment where he seems to be genuinely comfortable is when Chanyeol blows the candle and it's really cute. To me, it seems that he was kind of embarrassed to witness so much acting from everyone else and was unable to participate because he struggles with things like this, but the moment Chanyeol blows his candles to comemorate his birthday seems sincere enough for him to fondly smile.

This ties in so well with everything from Mama Era. He's just unable to keep acting/people pleasing on the same easy way that Chanyeol does, but this time he's not as nervous about it as he was on his earlier-early days, where he probably felt pressured to actually do stuff. Now he just doesn't do **it, he just doesn't do something that he dislikes doing, and that sadly creates a distance between them on camera and probably on a deeper level in their relationship as well, because both are just realizing how different their perceptions over their jobs is.

There's also this moment that the mods on lets-talk-baekyeol pointed out.

On the Christmas episode, when the members leave the couch to go get their presents, Chanyeol stays seated while Baekhyun gets up to fetch his. This is the sitting arrangement before (almost) everyone got up:

But when Baekhyun comes back, there's free space next to Chanyeol, however he's hesitant to sit by his side. He actually hesitates and doesn't sit down. Jongdae even gives him a little push right after.

Baek just seems hesitant to do things on camera, to interact with Chanyeol in front of an audience. For this moment, I feel like he's afraid to sit next to Chanyeol and end up having to over act. It's not that Chanyeol himself makes him uncomfortable, but the image of the friendship that they ended up creating for fans demands a lot from him.

And when I say hesitant to do things on camera, I really do mean it, because when Baekhyun thinks he is not being recorded/seen, here's what he does:

Here and here.

Their relationship clearly changed, and I think the reason for it is actually simple: both of them were under the impression that they were compatible with each other when they actually were not. Their personalities are extremely different, even if the way they present themselves is sometimes similar. Wolf and Growl era was our way, as fans, of watching them navigate around each other and finding out how their relationship was supposed to work.

And you know what's nice about that? The members watched all of it unfold. Their reactions to some of ChanBaek's interaction is a gold mine when it comes to analyzing them, because they clearly know, just as we do, that their relationship is kind of complicated. But I want to talk about it on the next part.

I am sorry for cutting this off again! I don't know if the next part is going to be the last, because after Growl there's Overdose and we all know what happened on 2014 [coughs] dating scandal [coughs] god help me I don't want to talk about it [coughs] so there's a lot to uncover and I need time to organize stuff.

Thank you for reading!

#chanbaek #baekyeol #baekhyun #chanyeol #park chanyeol #byun baekhyun #exo #kpop

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hidden64 · 3 years

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I guess people do pinned posts instead of bios now?

Why not take a listen to some of my files?

If you're feeling generous, check out my custom file info!

The basics:

Please call me AC or Hidden! Either one works, but I prefer Hidden for when I am more dominant. That's not a hard and fast rule, though

My pronouns are he/him/his exclusively

I am a trans man (obviously). I have been on t since 2019, I've had top surgery but no bottom surgery yet.

I am currently 20 years old, but who knows if I'll remember to update that (making this post in November of 2021)

I am a switch, but I definitely lean more submissive.

I do not have a tist or sub and am not seeking one.

I am gay and prefer male and masculine nonbinary trance partners. I don't mind being hypnotized by women, or women listening to my files, though (I elaborate on this under the cut.)

I have a boyfriend. At time of writing, he doesn't know about my hypnokink.

My other kinks include [bold is dom only, italics is sub only, both means both]: edging, orgasm control, pet play, trigger play, light bondage, IQ reduction, humiliation and drug play

My limits include: bathroom stuff, forced fem, permanent triggers (aside from my trance trigger), detransitioning, misgendering, findom, any pain

For some FAQs that haven't been asked by anyone, see below!

I wanna send you an ask, but I'm too nervous!

Don't be! I don't take myself very seriously, and you shouldn't take me very seriously either. Just keep the above information in mind, and remember to treat me like a human being.

What is your trance trigger?

I'm not telling you that, silly.

Do you have an upload schedule?

Nope. I do this stuff as a hobby. I have a part time job, and I'm a college student- I just record when I have the time to do it. Making an upload schedule would just slow me down.

Where can I find all your files?

On my soundgasm!

What got you into hypnosis? / A brief history of my experiences with hypnokink

When I was very young and had unrestricted access to deviantart, I saw a comic featuring some girls being hypnotized by the pokemon Hypno. My older sibling and I were using the family computer (yeah, back when that was a thing,) so I was mostly watching them go on deviantart rather than exploring myself. I kept asking my sibling to go back to the comic so I could look at it again and again. Something about it just drew me in. Mesmerized me, even lol. Later, I saw a movie which had a scene where the main antagonist essentially hypnotizes the female lead, and again I wanted to watch that scene over and over. Part of that may have been undiagnosed ADHD, but that's besides the point.

As I got older and started going through puberty, I realized my attraction to these scenes and concepts was sexual in nature. From there, I started listening to audio hypnosis files on the internet (much like the ones I make now) and got into porn featuring hypnosis. Sometimes, I would go on Omegle to try and be hypnotized by real live people on there, but it was (and still is) a mostly adult crowd, who were unwilling to hypnotize a teenager- good on them! Later, I got into the hypnoerotica community on tumblr. I never liked any posts or followed any of the blogs while I was still a minor, but I loved the content. Unfortunately, most of my favorites were wiped out in the 2017 porn ban.

I didn't start seeking out live hypnosis in earnest until I was an adult. I go on Omegle in phases (it's a miserable fucking site, but every now and then you find a gem!), but I've also used r/hypnohookup. Most of those encounters never went anywhere, but if you've seen my "met an honest to god hypnodom" post, you know that I had one good one. I was a dedicated submissive to that guy for a while, but he really wanted to be my boyfriend and I didn't want that, so I left. Some time after that, I realized that I could probably hypnotize other people myself, and got into being a tist.

I have never been hypnotized in person, but I really want to someday!

What do you like about hypnosis?

I say I have a hypnosis kink, but it would really be more accurate to say I have a trance kink. I love the feeling of my mind slipping away, the relaxation and peace, etc. I struggle with anxiety, so it can be really nice to have someone just take away my thoughts for a bit. That, and the feeling of being controlled completely and utterly is thrilling.

As a tist, I care less about my personal pleasure as much as giving my subs a good time. I consider myself a "service tist", in that way. Honestly, I just copy what I would do to myself unless a sub has a specific request.

What's up with your sexuality?

If you asked me to describe my sexuality in one word, it'd be "gay". One word is rarely enough to describe sexuality, though. The best way to put it is that I am attracted to masculine and transmasc people.

Why would you want to be hypnotized by a woman, then?

Because I am desperately thirsty for trance. It's nearly impossible to find content geared specifically towards gay trans men, so I have to take what I can get.

How do you feel about women getting off to your content?

Honestly, if you're a woman and my files/stories/art turn you on, awesome! I make most of my files gender neutral for a reason (I may make genital-specific JOI files later), and that's because I want to make stuff anyone can enjoy.

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lyndiscealin · 3 years

Text

AFTG Collaboration Experiment

The story behind the story

This is highly inspired by this youtube artist collaboration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCpScnyLOh8&list=PLjvuq1J91QkZpevHWcdlMwFqaMX8fuq3L

An artist (ten hundred) started a painting on a canvas and gave this canvas to a fellow artist and that artist added to the original picture and then gave it to another fellow artist and so on. I highly recommend the video series, the picture isn’t finished yet.

As soon as I saw this, I thought I wanted to do this, too, but with writing. I quickly came to the realisation, that I should start smaller than just ‘any story’, because there are too many genres out there and I couldn’t come up with a beginning that was open enough so any author I admire could continue it. Starting a Slice of life romance story and giving it to a horror author just might not work. It could, of course, but it would be far more unlikely to turn out as something that worked.

So I decided to do this inside of a fandom. The AFTG Fandom is crazy creative and the one I am most involved in right now.

The rules are simple:

Look at what the other authors have written so far

Add something of your own

Document your thought process behind what you added and link it at the beginning of your piece (it can be a google doc, a tumblr blog or something else, as long as you can link to it)

Ask another author to continue this

Upload your piece to AO3 and give it to the collection (https://archiveofourown.org/collections/AFTG_Collaboration)

If you don’t have an AO3 account and don’t want to create one, write me on tumblr @lyndiscealin and we will figure something out.

Don’t forget to add the name of the next author at the end of your piece, so I can verify that the addition to the Collection is valid

Be as creative as you like, there are literally no restriction, as long as you don’t ‘overwrite’ things authors before you wrote already

If you write 18+ stuff post a summary, too, so people who are underage don't have a problem continuing the fic

A summary at the end of every piece would be great so the next authors don’t need to spend too much time rereading to search for major plot points

Any author is allowed to finish this, if they feel like it! No reason to hold back!

This should be self explanatory, but I will say it nevertheless: This is supposed to be fun, so no hate, no pressure, nothing that makes anyone uncomfortable. No one has any responsibility for whom he has given this work to. Which means that there is no policing and no asking ‘when will you finish your piece?’ or anything. You give this to the next person and that’s it.

So this was done and I created a Collection on AO3 for this: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/AFTG_Collaboration

This is an experiment. I hope it will work, but the nice thing about experiments is that even if it fails, you get something out of it.

I love to gather experience and even if this gets stuck right after my contribution, at least I tried it.

I’m a tiny bit nervous about this, because I saw too many times how people turned something good into something toxic, but we will see. I have trust in this fandom. We can do this. Let’s show the world what we can create!

But, how to start this?

The thought process

So I wanted something open enough that it was easy for nearly anyone to contribute. But even inside a fandom the diversity is very high. There are so many pairings, so many different interpretations.

I settled on Andreil as the main pairing, because it is by far the most popular and I trust people to not give this to someone who can’t work with it or for people to accept this without being able to contribute. I am a big believer in the concept of being responsible for yourself and trusting that people are able to be responsible for themselves.

So Andreil. But Andreil and then what?

What Scenario? What premise? How can I even give a premise without forcing others to follow that path? How can I keep the beginning open enough so others can be as creative with this as they want? Is there even a concept that allows that?

I was stuck.

The thing with a canvas and artist is that you have a canvas. If the canvas is full the picture is likely finished. Of course you can make more out of it, but in the beginning you have just a canvas. That in itself is hard enough to manage, but it is manageable. A far far universe without any direction is destined to get stuck somehwere. But I wanted this to be as creative and open as possible.

So I was completely stuck there.

Until today!!!

Because the Fandom is amazing and crazy and I love it so so much!

Some of you just presented me the perfect idea: Neil as a fanfiction author who writes about the Foxes.

Done. Perfect.

Why? Because this way you can contribute anything!!!!

You can contribute blog articles from Neil.

You can contribute news articles about the foxes.

You can contribute chat fics about Neil communicating with Andrew or someone else in the fandom.

You can even write a whole piece about Neil being on tumblr and AO3 interacting with his fans.

You can write the fanfiction that Neil is writing, so even if you are a JereJean fan, it is no problem at all to write a fanfiction about them and then let the next author write how the Foxes or Andrew or just fans reacted to it or whatever that author wants to make of it.

It’s really really perfect.

It gives me a canvas where I can outline some restrictions, give a bit of a path so the next author can do something with it, without restricting too much.

So what will I do?

I will write the end of the story and then go back to the beginning. I want to let the end be open enough so people can still contribute to it (if we ever get there). Like develop it in a Kandreil fic for example. Or add cats. Or whatever.

It doesn’t even have to be the end. Everyone is free to contribute anything, even a chapter after my ending. But it is at least some kind of frame. A good starting point.

So, I really am not a planner. Either an idea hits me or I can’t write. My idea is:

Start with the day Neil sees a tumblr post where someone theorizes ‘what if Neil was a fanfiction author and that is how he and Andrew met?’

He finds it very amusing, because it hits bullseye and he starts to drift off to the beginning of it all.

That’s it, that’s the idea. Let’s see how it will go from there.

The next author

I am in contact with some very very good authors. And I kind of want to ask them all to contribute. But there is one of them who had the displeasure of being online when this idea hit me and they got the full extent of me obsessing over an idea. And because they happen to be one of these great authors I asked them first. Additionally they were one of the contributors to the thread I linked above, so this was even more reason to ask them.

They said yes!!!

I am so excited and at the same time a bit sad I couldn’t ask the others. But I think eventually they will be part of the project, too. Hopefully.

I will reveal the next author at the end of the chapter^^

(I will reblog this with the first chapter, I just have to post this here first)

#aftg #all for the game #aftg collaboration

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severetimetravelnerd · 4 years

Text

Hatred and Love (ft. G Dragon) Mafia AU

Part 14

Jiyong realises something very important.

(I don’t own any of the images used. All credit goes to the original owners.)

Taglist:

@unabashedturkeytreeslime

@happiestgirlontheeastcoast

@kwonnansi

@aarfyie

@suhappysuho

If there is anyone else who would like to be tagged, you can comment or leave me a message :))

I only write on this blog on tumblr, so if you see my work on any other platform, please let me know immediately.

Now, things are coming to a close. It has appearances from Daesung, Taeyang, TOP, Mino, Hanbin and EXO (mostly Kai). This continues with the EXO storyline, but again, I have nothing against EXO :)) I love them, but I had to use someone for the plot. This chapter has a lot of Suho. It also has a good amount of Xiumin:))

This is the last part of the series and I’m so sorry it took me so long to upload it :(((( I know it’s been ages, but after all of this, I just blanked out when it came to the ending. Thanks for supporting me and following the story :)) I’m going to miss this one :))

Warnings: Violence, Death(not main character), Injury, Blood, Eventual smut, Abduction, Guns and Knives, language.

————————————————————————–

You had no idea what to expect. You turned to Jiyong, eyebrows raised, wondering what Joonmyeon could possibly want, but Jiyong looked just as stumped as you. He was also way angrier. His eyes immediately became cold and hard.

“What does that fucker want now?”

You gently took his hand, trying to calm him down.

“Let’s go into this with an open mind? Maybe he wants to come up with some sort of agreement?”

Jiyong tried to conceal his anger but that didn’t work very well. His jaw was absolutely taut when he spoke.

“Y/N, he wants to fuck things up somehow. Why else would he want you there? You’re the one person I’m scared of disappointing.”

You planted a light kiss on his cheek, instantly making him relax.

“Then maybe that’s a good thing. You won’t do anything that would disappoint me.”

He sighed, but he kissed you back.

“You’re right, Y/N. You’re the only person I can stay calm for.”

The two of you walked into Jongin’s room, that had been turned into a makeshift conference room. Joonmyeon was there in a wheelchair. Yixing and Sehun were also there with their hands bound, both flanked by Hanbin and Mino, making sure neither of them try something funny. Jiyong took his place at the head of the table, prepared to let Joonmyeon start, but Joonmyeon looked up straight at you. Still looking at you, he said,

“No Jiyong. That seat isn’t for you. That seat is for her. Your side of the table is over there.”

Jiyong stretched his neck, unable to believe what Joonmyeon just told him. You were also in complete shock. Why would he want you at the head of the table? Before you could overthink it, Joonmyeon said,

“I want Y/N to be the head and mediator of this meeting. She can guide us towards a merger.”

His eyes were thrown at you, as though daring you to take up the challenge, daring you to mess up. Jiyong eyes turned dark with pure, unadulterated rage and he was about to step in when you met Joonmyeon’s gaze. This guy had messed with you one too many times. You had had enough.

“Okay Joonmyeon. I will.”

Every single head in the room whipped towards you, wondering what you were playing at. Jiyong, still in shock, quietly got up and went to his seat. You sat down, slowly crossing your legs. Your eyes were so determined, they were nearly piercing through Joonmyeon. No one there had ever seen you that way before. Not even when they first abducted you. Staring straight at him, you began.

“Well, Joonmyeon, what did you want to discuss?”

Your gaze was hostile, openly challenging him to try and mess with you. Joonmyeon hated it. He hated that he felt so guilty about harming you and Jongin. He hated that he owed you his life. He hated that he couldn’t completely hate you. This was just his way of trying to find reasons to hate you. But none of this struggle showed on the outside. Eyes cold and calculating, he said,

“If we’re doing a merger, only I have control over my men.”

Even before he finished the sentence, you could feel the anger and the protests from the rest of the room, including EXO, but you silenced them all with a glare. Joonmyeon just wanted to make things messy and you wouldn’t let him. Jiyong snarled when he heard that, but he calmed down when he looked at you there, his grip on his gun slowly loosening. Your voice was quiet but firm when you spoke.

“Joonmyeon, I don’t think you understand your position. You asked for a merger. Not a partnership. With a merger, you become part of an organisation and work the same way the organisation had worked. So, no. You won’t be the only person to have control over your troops. You will be at the level assigned to you. And you will have to report to Jiyong.”

Joonmyeon already knew all of that, but he just wanted to get a rise out of you. Nonchalantly stretching, he said,

“Okay, but I’m second in command.”

That was too much for Jiyong to bear and he scoffed. He threw his head back to laugh and then he slammed the table. His voice was dangerously detached when he did speak.

“Joonmyeon, is this a joke to you?”

You saw the glint in Joonmyeon’s eyes. He was happy he succeeded in getting a rise out of Jiyong. He felt that it somehow validated his behaviour and his deep-rooted hatred for them, although he knew they weren’t that bad. You had saved his life. Jiyong saved his men. He was just clutching at straws to justify his behaviour. You were determined to not give him those straws. You would make him realise that there wasn’t any justification for his behaviour. He would take accountability and realise where he went wrong, so that he could go back to being himself, instead of being obsessed with taking Jiyong down. Your hand quietly wrapped around Jiyong’s hand, silently urging him to not say anything. Jiyong eyes flashed, and he glared at you, annoyed that you were telling him to not react, but he kept quiet anyway. You tried to look at Joonmyeon, but he was refusing to look at you. He didn’t want to make eye contact. He could only put up the act as long as someone didn’t see through him. You tried to get him to peacefully meet your gaze, but when he absolutely refused to, you resorted to desperate measures. Standing up, you grabbed his chin and forced him to look straight at you. Your voice was still calm when you said,

“Joonmyeon, you and I both know that’s not going to happen. You might not even get a commanding post for a while, because you, Yixing and Sehun have to prove your loyalties first. How are we supposed to trust you after everything that happened? You turned on Jongin. Why wouldn’t you do that again?”

Joonmyeon could feel this crushing pain when you said that. He didn’t want to accept that he did that, but there was no other way to it. Joonmyeon lost all fight when you said that. You had seen through him. He quietly slipped out of your grasp and turned to Jongin, bowing deeply before saying,

“Jongin, I’m sorry.”

Jongin sat there, on his bed, in complete and utter shock. Joonmyeon hyung never apologised, especially not in front of other people. He was too in shock to say anything. Heart sinking even further, Joonmyeon turned to you, bowed and apologised. He then looked up and for the first time, his eyes were genuine.

“Thank you for saving my life Y/N.”

Everyone other than Minseok was in shock. Minseok had the slightest smile on his face.

“Maybe we will get out Joonmyeon back after all.”

Sehun and Yixing were both furious, and they were about to protest it, and Hanbin and Mino were ready to supress it, but you beat them to it. Voice cool, you said,

“To prove their loyalty, Joonmyeon, Yixing and Sehun will work directly under Minseok and Youngbae for the next three months to start with. They’ll work on the Hongdae area.”

Joonmyeon’s head shot up when he heard you. You were giving them control over Hongdae? The area that they’d been fighting for? Joonmyeon’s eyes teared up a little. He would finally get to take care of his sister’s grave. Joonmyeon immediately bowed before you. Yixing and Sehun were too shocked to do anything except stare at you in disbelief.

“Thank you, Y/N. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

You had the slightest smile on your face when you replied,

“You’re welcome Joonmyeon.”

Jiyong sat there watching all the events unfold, feeling detached. He didn’t mind that you were making decisions for him. he knew the others wouldn’t mind either. He knew it was only because of you that they managed to resolve things with Joonmyeon. But he was more worried about the other things. The slight tremble in your hands from dealing with this. Your pale and tired face. Your tendency to flinch slightly when people make sudden movements. The near imperceptible tremor in your voice. You weren’t used to this, and it scared you. He felt awful. You didn’t deserve this. You had been through so much. You needed a break. And he would make sure you got one. For the first time in his life, Jiyong decided he would take a break with you. It wasn’t because he wanted to take a break, but more because you needed him around. As weird as it was, although Jiyong was the one drawing you into this world, your only way to feel better about everything was around him. And also, for the simple reason that he missed you, and couldn’t stand being away from you any longer. He was staring at you, making up his mind about exactly what to do when you turned to him.

“Jiyong, that’s okay right?”

He didn’t hear you. He had zoned you out, wondering how he got so lucky as to have you in his life. He would protect that at all costs. He would protect you at all costs. He would protect your happiness at all costs. You raised your eyebrows, wondering why he didn’t reply. You mentally scolded yourself for shooting your mouth off like that without talking to him first. You turned to Jiyong, much more nervous.

“Jiyong? All okay, Love?”

The vibe of the meeting had changed. Everything was much more relaxed. Sehun was trying hard not to cry, Yixing was apologising to everyone, Jongin was playfully guilt-tripping a very apologetic Joonmyeon about his injuries. But when you said that, everyone turned to Jiyong, a little nervous. He had a rather…intimidating reputation. Youngbae was the only one who was sure Jiyong would be okay with it. He was more interested in watching the drama between you and Jiyong unfold. Jiyong just stared at you, looking at him nervously. There was one thing that was different about you. No matter how nervous you were at that moment, there was no fear in your eyes. You looked at him trustingly, knowing fully well that no matter how dangerous a man he is, he would never hurt you. Ever. Jiyong didn’t bother answering your question. Jiyong just stood up, leaned over the table, grabbed your face and kissed you. A deep, hungry kiss. All his longing, all his fears, all his worries were in that. He deepened the kiss because as he felt your soft hands gently caress his bruised knuckles and kiss him back, he realised that there was something he needed to do. He needed to meet his grandmother.

You were very surprised when you were pulled up from your seat and kissed like there was no tomorrow, but you kissed him back equally longingly. You had missed him. You had never stopped worrying about him. You were right. You didn’t know whether there was going to be a tomorrow. You kissed him until you felt like you had the feel of his lips committed to memory. Cheers erupted all around you, although the two of you were quite oblivious to it. Hanbin rolled his eyes, laughing at the two of you while Jongin whistled. Hanbin leaned over and muttered to Jongin.

“Thank god the two of them are back together. I didn’t think it was possible, but they’re more annoying on their own.”

Jongin scoffed.

“Hanbin, I can see that you’re tearing up.”

Jiyong pulled away first, both of you gasping for breath. You blushed at all the hooting boys around you, some newer than others, but all equally determined to embarrass you. Jiyong didn’t even bother to acknowledge the hooting. He just turned to Youngbae and whispered something in his ear, making you look at him quizzically. He turned to give you a quick, reassuring smile before speaking.

“Okay. Now that the merger is done, I have an announcement. I’m going to be away for a month. Youngbae is second in command. Don’t try to reach me unless it’s absolutely urgent.”

Your heart fell. He was going to be away for a month. After everything. When you had just gotten back together. You had missed him so much. But you tried your best to not let your face fall, sticking a weak smile on your face. If he was leaving, it had to be important. You would talk to him about it in private. Everyone nodded except Hanbin. Hanbin was pouting when he said,

“Who’s after Youngbae hyung?”

Jiyong froze for a second, staring at Hanbin before sighing and answering.

“Seunghyun hyung.”

“After him?”

“Daesung.”

“After him?”

“Minseok.”

Minseok looked surprised while Hanbin’s pout deepened.

“Hanbin, are you really going to make me list this out in order?”

“Yes.”

Jiyong glared at him and answered.

“Then it’s Mino. Then it’s Jongdae. Then it’s Baekhyun. Then Chanyeol. Then it’s you. Then it’s Jongin. Then it’s Kyungsoo. Then it’s Joonmyeon, Yixing and Sehun. In that order.”

While the others laughed at Hanbin arguing with Jiyong, you struggled to keep that smile on your face. Jiyong playfully glared at the rest of the room before grabbing your hand and walking out of the room. Your heart sank even more. He was going to say bye. He was going to leave again. You were staring at the floor, letting yourself get lost in your thoughts when he tilted your head up and beamed at you, the smile leaving quickly when he saw that you weren’t smiling.

“What’s wrong love?”

You bit down on your trembling lips and looked away, not wanting to make him feel worse. He gently cupped your face and made you look at him.

“Talk to me Y/N. Tell me what’s wrong.”

You took a deep breath.

“I’m just going to miss you Jiyong.”

He looked terrified.

“Why? Why’re you going to miss me? Are you leaving me?”

You stared at him confused.

“No. You’re going somewhere, remember?”

Jiyong’s brows knitted together in confusion before he laughed and pulled you into a hug.

“Sweetheart, if you think I’m going anywhere without you after not having seen you for the past month, you’re in for a surprise.”

It took a while for it to hit you, but when you finally realised he wasn’t leaving, you hugged him tight, burying your face in his chest. You looked up at him, confused.

“You mean I’m coming with you on work?”

He leaned in and nibbled on your ear, pressing a light kiss against your neck before saying,

“No. I mean we’re going on a holiday.”

Two weeks later, you lay down on the plush bed in Jiyong’s hidden away holiday home, buried under the blankets and wearing his hoodie, so utterly happy with how everything just felt right. You closed your eyes and buried deeper into the bed, enjoying the warmth of it. You felt the bed dip as you heard Jiyong’s sleepy morning voice.

“Good morning love. I got you your tea.”

He sat and was about to sip his tea when you crawled into his lap and wrapped your arms around his neck, snuggling into him. Amused, he asked,

“Do you not plan on letting me drink my tea?”

You took in a deep breath, letting Jiyong’s familiar scent wash over you.

“Nope.’’

“Do you plan on moving from here?”

Pressing a light kiss against his smile, you said,

“Nope.”

You stared out of the balcony. It was 3 am on your last night there, and you were lost in thought while you stared at the stars. That one month was magical. You had Jiyong all to yourself, and both of you sat and worked through the problems in your relationship. You knew you loved him. You knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. You knew you weren’t scared of him. You couldn’t live without him. You didn’t realise how windy it was until he walked out behind you, wrapping a blanket around you. He wrapped his arms around you and nuzzled into your neck.

“Love, you have to be careful. You can’t stand out here in just my t shirt.”

You turned around to face him, wrapping the blanket around the both of you.

“Jiyong, you came out here in just your boxers. I don’t think you should be lecturing me.”

He had this blissful smile as he kissed your forehead.

“I couldn’t help it Y/N. I just needed to be out here with you.”

You had the same blissful smile as you kissed him, letting yourself get lost in the kiss. He pulled away, suddenly looking nervous.

“Y/N, I know we’re going back tomorrow, and I know I’ll get busy, but like we discussed, I promise I will always make time for you.”

He paused to take a deep breath, desperately trying to calm down that rising feeling of nervousness in him.

“I know you can do way better than me, and you deserve way better, but I promise I will always respect you, and I will do anything to make you happy. I’ve realised I can’t live without you, and I know this might be too sudden, and I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but you’re the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with and start a family with. So, Y/N L/N, will you do me the honour of marrying me?”

You stared at him in shock for a minute, unable to comprehend what was going on before a single tear slipped down your face, and you burst into the largest smile you had in you. You nodded vigorously.

“Yes, Kwon Jiyong, I would love to marry you.”

Jiyong felt all the nervousness leave his body only to be replaced with an overwhelming, indescribable feeling of joy. There are no words for how he felt in that moment. And as he slipped on the beautiful ring his grandmother had given him to give you, he lifted you up and kissed you, knowing that everything finally felt right.

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amitojo · 4 years

Text

6 Steps to Overcome Fear / Self-Limiting Beliefs

6 Steps to Overcome Fear / Self-limiting Beliefs

At first, I didn’t think I’d write about this. The challenge to myself was to just post the video, that’s it. But witnessing such amazing response I thought I’d share more and give you a background of what was going on in my head and how I chose to go past my limiting belief.

I recently uploaded a video on all my social media profiles. This video was purely out of my commitment to my growth and me moving beyond my mind-made fears and limitations. If you haven’t watched the video — Watch it below 👇 (not for content but for context)

undefined

youtube

Notice how I put “mind-made” in bold; it is because there are two kinds of fear. One is real, one is not.

One is life-threatening, like you falling down from a height or fear of crossing roads in fast moving traffic, etc.

The other fear is made by our mind to “protect” the ego, to keep us in a safe, comfortable place (emotionally). Basic example of mind-made fears is — one not raising their hand in class which is equivalent to one not sharing / communicating cause of fear of being judged. This fear encourages behaviour which is safe and comfortable. There’s not much to lose per se, but then there’s not much to gain as well.

Growth is outside the comfort zone. Growth is in doing things we’ve never done before, learning things we haven’t learnt before.

I am going to be talking about mind-made fear / self-limiting beliefs.

I am certain we all have gone beyond our mind-made fears / limitations some time or the other, out of necessity if not by choice. However, in this article, I will share the exact steps I took that inspired me to go beyond the limiting belief so it can be replicated and we can choose to move beyond our made up limitations at whim and not only when it is absolutely necessary.

----

I thought of this idea (of sharing a video) last week. I remember I was in the shower, just contemplating life, dreams, goals.

I thought about my dream of leading/influencing people (leading, educating, training, DJing). That lead me to think about the repercussions of coronavirus on the music, entertainment, and training/education industry. How a lot of artists/leaders/trainers/educators are going “live” on various social medias to further their vision and provide value. I thought about how I could also do the same and that’s where I stopped. I immediately said to myself, “Nah, I can’t do that.”

I introspected, why can’t I do that?

The answer was fear of being judged.

Thats when I thought I’d take a step beyond this fear and upload a video.

One half of me (the higher-self) instantly agreed to do this as it saw all the possibilities, the bright side, how it will expand me. It took this as an opportunity. I thought to myself, here I am, one who dreams to perform in front of people, lead people, one who dreams of fame, etc, and I am not comfortable with myself?

How could I lead people when I am not confident about myself? How could I play in front of people if am not confident about myself? — To be specific — When I get conscious of people looking at me and listening to me! [I have been comfortable with 1 on 1 conversations but 1 to group, not that much — working on it]

I thought to myself — How could I be everything that I wanted and more without being completely comfortable with myself — be it with the way I look, the way I talk, the way I am in general.

I assume that all the people I aspire to be like — the ones who are leading, the ones who are performing, the ones who are comfortable putting out videos, etc, are like that because they are comfortable with themselves, how they are, who they are, and are confident about themselves.

I have got to own myself and accept myself as is, I thought to myself! This is it, this is me!

Extra motivation came in the form of the realisation that I will be able to share / contribute much more value via video on top of what I am and will be providing through just writing.

So I said to myself — challenge accepted!

I took this idea as a stepping stone to achieve my goals and dreams.

The other half of me (the ego), however, did not like this idea at all! It was not confident about this. It thought this idea was stupid, pointless. It’s funny how the ego was giving me two contradicting reasons to stop me from recording and uploading the video.

People will make fun of you. You’ll look like an idiot. No one cares about your upload or what you’re doing, etc.

You are just doing this to satisfy your ego (lol) [I read somewhere, as we learn more, become smarter, our egos do too. #JusSharin]

Basically anything to get me not to do this.

My ego was asking me not to take any action — to protect itself. I had a lot of reasons not to do this, one of the main ones being — “what will people say or think?” (Hence I took around a week to upload a 30-second video. I did it nonetheless.)

This question of “what will people think/say?” alone has stopped me from living my best life since forever. I get present to this thought’s deep-rooted nature in my life, in my way of being each day. I get present to the impact it has on my life, the opportunity costs and it drives me to move ahead, go beyond this dialogue and be/do/say whatever I want to be/do/say. [It does, a lot of times, make me feel like a loser too, I won’t lie— mainly when I accept the limitations and I don’t take any action. ]

“Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.”

Benjamin Disraeli

I have been on a conscious journey of self-expression since 2013, I think.

Self expression for me = to be, do, say who I am, what/how I feel — unapologetically.

I have noticed how I suppress my thoughts, emotions, point of views and I am actively working on communicating the same.

I have come a long way from where I was back then, no doubt, but there is still a long way to go!

3-4 years back, I gave myself a challenge to write about my feelings, share my journey, my point of views. I was pretty nervous back when I started. It was new for me. But it was a small step towards self-expression. Once I did start writing however, it felt freeing and I got really positive response from people around me. Now I am pretty comfortable with that — so much so that I started a blog!

Now, I gave myself another challenge — to put out a video of me on social media.

This meant A LOT to me. I don’t know if you have noticed, but I am not one of those who post their pictures, selfies, or post videos of themselves or go live. I’m not comfortable getting clicked… So, posting a video which I took of myself — online? 😅

But I did it. And you know what, I felt great. I respect myself more. I love myself more. I am proud of myself.

----

So down to business, 6 steps I used to overcome my fear / self-limiting belief

Identify the fear / limiting belief

Get present to the impact it has had on your life till now.

Get present to its impact in the future, if things remain the same — the opportunity costs

Imagine if you didn’t have that fear — what would you be/do/say? How would you look like? How would life look like?

Ask yourself, what is one thing you could do today that would take you closer to that you/life without fear? One step to take you beyond that fear/limitation. It could be a baby step.

Take that step and acknowledge / celebrate it (It is extremely important to acknowledge and celebrate. Success breeds success. — Small victories form momentum and bring about big victories.)

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Lao Tzu

I took the baby steps and I love myself for that. I feel powerful. I guess the most powerful feeling is when you go beyond your own limitations; when you prove it to yourself that YOU CAN DO IT! That’s a different kind of high.

I felt so good and freeing after posting the video and receiving the amazing response, that I made a youtube channel! 😂

PLIS Subscribe 🙂 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9hui_ukYf811voHO6HrT1g?

Also, I used the above-mentioned method to start waking up at 5am!!! I don’t know if you know, but I have always considered myself a night person. It was effortless for me to stay up till 4,5,6 am and the best time to sleep for me was when the sun was rising. My closest friends call me DK (Dark Knight) cause I always meet them late at night, nothing to do with the fact that I usually wear the color Black (haha). I never saw myself as a morning person, but now I am waking up at 5 am 2-3 times a week. My aim is to wake up at 4 am on weekdays at least.

Late nights were productive (when I was at home). Late night is a good time to work because there’s little to no distractions. Same is the case with waking up early morning though. There is little to no distraction And trust me when I say this — the most productive days of MY LIFE have been when I woke up at 4/5 am!

*Bonus Tips*

If your mind says you can’t do it — Look for other people who have done what you’re committed to doing. If they can do it, you can do it! (Learn how they did it, what worked for them)

Repeat! — If you keep repeating the 6 steps, be it in any area of life, for any reason — you will not recognize yourself when you look back. The amount of growth and expansion you will achieve is going to be insane.

----

To conclude, this method did work for me in different areas of life and I believe it will work for you too if you apply it as per the steps outlined above.

Don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t see results right away though, it is a journey. Be patient, and more importantly, be consistent with your effort and never give up (characteristics of the people who succeed).

Start with baby steps. I am certain that you can accomplish whatever you set your mind to!

Extremely important note — ***All of this (me sharing and expressing my point of views), is possible because of the amazing listening and reception I get from my community (both online and offline) — my friends, family — all the generous, loving, and supportive people who have made this journey of self-expression, self-awareness so pleasant, peaceful and joyous. Thank you so much for being so supportive and encouraging always! Means A LOT!***

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you 🙏

Lots of love!

90 notes · View notes

border-spam · 4 years

Text

Wolf in wolf’s clothing

Gift fic for the lovely @artisthicc-nikyri of her oc’s Ari and Jameson, and her Troy!

Make sure to check out her art blog for more of her amazing shit

Jameson had been right.

This was so much easier than working in the kitchens...

Ari snorted to herself smugly as she popped another piece of hard candy into her mouth, lazily eying the slow crawl of the progress bar on her monitor as the file continued to render.

This was a piece of cake, this was so chilled out in comparison.

She’d thought at first it would have been terrifying, that working in such close proximity with the God King would have been even worse than dealing with the head cooks, but man, she’d had nothing to worry about in retrospect. A whole month now since she’d joined the editing team, and she’d not seen Troy once.

The other editors in his media team had filled her in, and it seemed for all J insisted God King Calypso was a “Pretty normal person under all the bullshit”, he was an enigma to work for. Fair, but weird. Quiet, but frightening. If you handed in your projects on time and didn’t get in his way? The job was piss as long as you had the skills he wanted. Safe lodgings within the main COV compound, food and medical care, and a position in the God King’s own media team was something followers would tear each other’s faces off for, and did according to the footage she was currently working on.

If you didn’t pull your weight though?

Well.

They’d not gone into details, but made clear through hushed warnings that she really should make sure she didn’t fuck this up.

Bobbing her head in time to the music thrumming through her earphones, she slid further into the huge custom chair, pulling her knees up to her chest with a shiver in the cool dark of the editing room. It was always cold in here she’d found, aircon set to suck the heat out of the machines and consoles that lined the rows of editing desks in the dim glow of the sleep mode displays, while Calypso’s throne-like personal station flickered data across the wall of monitors it faced that she’d yet to actually see him use. Helios had been so pompous and insufferably showy when it came to displays of wealth, but even living on the station for years with J before they ended up on Pandora, she’d never had access to tech or setups like this before. “The God Twins provide” really did have credence when you worked directly under them. Everything from the top end rigs to the leather high-backed editing chairs stamped with Troy’s emblem felt like it cost more than she’d ever earn, a sad reality she considered while running her thumb along the bottom row of keys on her backlit keyboard.

Ariana Serino shone at her from the custom board’s base, pulsing red light against matte black just like everything else in the room. For someone who was literally never here, Troy clearly had a tight grip on the department’s aesthetic.

She had hated the kitchens, she really had.

The head cooks were egotistical shitheads with superiority complexes who like so many of the Twins’s followers, saw any step up in authority as somehow being closer to their Gods. They knew she was like a sister to Jameson, and they knew how close Jameson was to Father Troy. It had painted a target on her she’d rather have avoided, and they had never, once, gotten off her damn back.

ANYTHING they could berate her over had been used against her, anything to make them feel like they were better than her. Better than someone so close to the King’s Pastor.

J knew, he’d seen how tired she had been, how stressed. It had been him that had gotten her this sweet gig, and she’d made sure to work her ass off for the last month straight. No one seemed to have actually noticed, but then again, no one was screaming abuse at her either, so she must be doing a good enough job. Troy didn’t come across as the sort of boss to hold back in letting her know if she wasn’t.

Checking in on her next task with a quick click on the flashing mail icon on her screen, she sighed and rolled her stiff shoulders with a stretch, tapping the keybinds to begin the asset download as she scanned the mail contents. _ _

“Let’s Flay 22.12.NL, due scheduling & upload 48 hours fn.

Focus on clip 4, 7, & 11, Ty closeups, keyframes 4-gore use @ clip 1-2. Get that shit visceral.

GKT” _ _

She’d certainly not had any negative feedback from the God King at least, then again, she’d not had any words from him bar these shorthand communications, and they seemed identical to the ones he sent to the full editing group. She’d wondered more than once how much he actually knew about her based on what Jameson had told him in order to get her this position, or, if he actually even knew about her at all.

J loved to gloat to her about all the effort he’d had to labor over to get her in, all the late night convincing and grandiose bullshitting he’d done in her favor to the God King’s ear, wheedling her into the editing team like his own personal project, but honestly? She was pretty sure Troy didn’t even know her name, let alone much else. She was a symbol on his mailing list, a faceless employee to pump out fuel for the COV media machine at his behest, and being so unimportant had some sweet benefits.

Ones like the 3am flashing on the wall clock facing her across the room, neon numbers burning red through the inky darkness.

Mannn, she thought with a smirk as she checked the open messenger app on screen. She’d had such a good lay in today…

Not being important meant no one actually cared when she showed up for her shift. She’d realised last week after oversleeping and arriving hours late in a panic, then not having anyone so much as bat an eye. Shifts here didn’t seem to actually matter. They had assigned ones, but people just seemed to really come and go as they pleased. Long as they clocked in the required amount of hours and sent on their completed tasks, there apparently wasn’t any consequences, and that suited her perfectly.

She could sleep as late in the day as she wanted, drag her ass out of bed and to her desk, and work away till the early AM hours. A nice empty editing studio with no distractions, no colleagues to deal with, and no J pinging her 40 times an hour with silly chatter, she confirmed as she checked the empty notifications in the chat app. He must be asleep, it was literally the only time the guy shut up, not that she’d change that for the world. Jameson filled the sad silences of Ari’s life with infectious positivity. She owed him so much…

The sudden flash of fluorescent light as the room’s door swung open startled her out of her thoughts, and immediately into habits formed a decade ago on Eden-6. She froze, silent, heart slowing as her eyes narrowed and then shifted smoothly towards the danger on the other side of the room as she heard the door slam shut.

Padded, heavy footsteps marked someone’s approach along the side of the low walled editing desk rows, and she sunk lower into the darkness of her cubicle, flattening her silhouette like dad had taught her years ago as she slid the headphones down around her neck. Stay low. Stay quiet. Listen closely. Don’t move. It won’t see you. You won’t be eaten.

She felt her heart skip a beat as the shadow appeared before the predator, the dim lights of the editing room just enough to cast it on the floor as they approached, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she for a moment recognised the narrow height of the shape prowling towards her row. Jameson. Thank God, for a second she’d thought…

No, not Jameson. It was still coming, and the silhouette was only getting larger. Jameson wasn’t this tall. Jameson wasn’t this graceful. She’d convinced herself for a moment that she was safe, but she wasn’t.

Ariana felt her bones turn to ice as the harsh light of the data flickering across the throne’s monitors revealed the towering outline of God King Troy.

He shifted slowly, back turning towards her as he faced his desk, unaware of the woman watching him from under the gaps of her monitors.

He looked.. tired? Smaller, softer. Not exactly as terrifying as she had prepared herself for, not as imposing in a loose sweater and low set glasses as he was in raised collars and draped fur. He was still very clearly Father Troy, but like he’d shucked off a heavy costume after a long day. Neater, less makeup, hair looser and not as spiked. No chains or accessories hanging from his belt, just his slacks and a rolled up sweater sleeve his massive prosthetic was connecting to its socket through.

She trembled nervously as he stiffly lowered his weight into the hulking chair in front of her, settling the cup of coffee he’d been carrying down next to his flesh arm as he deftly hit keys with the cybernetic fingers of his right and began to pull up files across the monitors flashing to life in front of him.

He had no idea she was here Ari realised, beginning to calm as the scent of his coffee filed the room alongside the quick tapping of his mismatched fingers across keys. What was she meant to do…?

He clearly thought he was alone here. She’d never heard of the God King looking like this, the twins were always pristine in their curated appearances when around others. Grunge psycho-chic or draped in gold and jewels, but never average. The idea of Troy looking relatively normal like this? It felt like she shouldn’t be seeing it at all. It felt private. She pressed her palms harder against the flat of her desk and eyed the distance between the curve of his shoulders and the entry doorway she was considering bolting through.

“Shit” she hissed through gritted teeth. He’d catch her, he’d either see her from the corner of his eye or hear the automated door as it opened for her, she was running out of options. If he caught her trying to sneak out, he’d probably be even angrier, right? He’d prefer if she just broke the silence and apologised for interrupting him, she decided as she swallowed the nervous lump insisting on tightening her throat. J said he liked it when people were honest. He liked it when people didn’t bullshit him, and J knew Troy. She should just.. greet him. Dad used to say it was better to face a Tyrant head first than die with its teeth in your back when you tried to run, right?

She slowly straightened, lifting her chest off the desk and leaning silently back into her seat as she carefully tucked her hair behind her ears and flattened out her tank. Wide eyes not leaving the back of his head as he hunched over his station while she began to pump herself up.

You got this Ariana. You’ve faced bigger fangs than this asshole has, he’s just a man. He can be reasonable, just say something.

She breathed out slowly, steadying her lungs before breaking the silence.

“Forgive me your majesty, I didn’t know y-”

She startled out of her sentence as he whipped round to face her, unprepared for the violent speed of his reaction as he rose out his seat.

“WHY ARE YOU HERE??” Troy bellowed over her quiet greeting, and her brain stalled in trying to respond as he stormed towards her desk.

“I.. I.. I’m just.. working some overtime, Father Troy, catching up on som - Ah!”

She flinched as he yanked the mouse out of her hand, ice cold metal digits tearing it out of her fingers and onto the desk in front of him, expertly pulling up her activity monitor script over the chat window where Jameson’s afk profile pic still flashed.

“Overtime? Fucking bullshit.” he growled, flashing gold capped teeth as he sneered inches from her face. “LOOK.”

She cleared her throat quietly, cowering under his looming torso as she snapped her eyes to the onscreen log he was referring to.

“You clocked in 3 hours ago.. Bunny..” -Her chat nick? He’d seen oh god this was so embarrassing oh g- “Overtime means working after your shift, not starting it in the middle of the fucking night. Did you just lie to me?!”

Wow. She was dead. This was it. It was the end. Why’d she ever listened to J, he was an idiot. She should have just run. She was going to be ripped apart by this lanky asshole and it was all J’s fault for insisting he was nice underneath. She was going to haunt that green bitch for the rest of his life. Nothing left to lose now, she accepted with finality. Just be honest. He was either going to break her neck or not.

“I’m.. sorry.” She whispered, then continued as she realised with rising surprise that he was waiting to hear the rest.

“I was very late today and I just wanted.. to make sure I finished these edits for you for tomorrow. I don’t have the right tech in my quarters, it felt like the right thing to do was just stay here and get it done..”

Ari waited as the silence continued, swallowing tightly as she raised her eyes slowly, hoping for a positive reaction. He was quiet, still hovering above her and leaning heavy on the massive prosthetic still resting on her desk as he massaged the bridge of his nose with his human fingers, but his face had relaxed, his mouth no longer a tight grimace. He just looked.. sad, and tired, and like he was done with this.

“You’re Ariana, right?” he muttered through an exhale as he pressed his fingers tighter into the corners of his closed eyes under the glasses.

“Yes Tr-SIR! Sir. Ariana Ser-”

“I don’t care.”

She jumped slightly as the metal limb to her right lifted off the desk as he stood.

“I don’t care when you get the work done. It’s fine.” he sighed, voice rough and quiet.

“I don’t shift people late because I don’t want people here late, but you can stay till you get your shit done.”

His hand dropped to his side as he looked down at her, meeting her worried gaze over the frames of his glasses.

“..but don’t ever lie to me again. You’re here because Jameson recommended you, and as much as a pain in the ass as he can be, I trust Jameson. This is your one strike.”

She slowly felt the tension relax out of her joints as he turned and began to walk back towards his station, flopping down into the massive chair with a sigh as he raised his eyes to hers again.

“If he hadn’t, and you were anyone else and lied to me like that? …You’d be dead where you sat.”

Ari twisted her fingers between her hands nervously as he swiveled towards his monitors and began to type once more. How the hell had she survived that. How had that worked out when she’d been so close to getting the axe, figuratively and literally. She checked the chat app once more while beginning to settle back into a more comfortable position. Jameson was still offline, he was probably sleeping soundly through the most stress she’d had in years, typical.

Opening the editing software again, she began to work on the next clip in her log, painfully aware of typing as quietly as possible so as not to interrupt her new colleague.

As the minutes ticked by, she found herself relaxing slowly. The atmosphere stayed desperately tense, and the God King’s heavy silence punctuated each harsh snap of a key or frustrated sigh he made all the more as they continued to work together. Troy was noticeably on edge, fidgeting in the corner of her vision every now and then, tugging at the rolled shoulder of his sweater or trying to sweep his hair forward as if his appearance was upsetting him, making him feel awkward in some way.

He was angry with himself, more than anything. This was Jameson’s friend. This was his only friend’s closest companion, the person he described as a sister, and this was going to be her first experience of him?

He hadn’t meant to snap earlier. She’d just caught him so unprepared. No one was meant to be here tonight, he should have been able to get these final shots compiled and queued for upload in peace. Instead, he was sitting in the same room as someone he’d probably just terrified, trying to work while hyper aware he was out of character, and he hated being out of character around others. He didn’t even have his fucking hair done, he looked like a tool. This was not the kind of cringe he enjoyed, and he had no experience in how to deal with this situation.

Should he say something? He wasn’t sure, she probably didn’t want to talk to him anyway he worried, glancing over his shoulder at the back of her monitors, just able to make out her hands working away under them. Jameson would tell him to say something, but he didn’t know what that something should even be. What if he just made this worse. This wheedling grip of anxiety in his gut was one of Troy’s least favorite feelings. It was the kind of stupid, unmanageable worry that left your heart beating just a little too fast, your palm sweaty, it was horrible. He liked to be in control, always. Of everything, but especially himself. Feeling like a nervous child in his own damn editing office, where he had come to clear his mind tonight so he could possibly get some sleep later? It was bullshit, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and tapped his fingers against the empty coffee cup to his left, trying to focus on what he should say rather than how awkward the atmosphere was. “You.. uh..”

He winced to himself at how his voice caught in his throat. Great start, God King. Fuck. Get your act on!

“-Ahem- You know Jameson a long time, right?” He prompted, noting the sounds of her typing had stopped in response, and the slight squeak of leather behind him meant she had shifted in her seat.

“Yes sir...” Ari responded meekly, barely audible over the wall of monitors between them.

“Troy. Troy is ok right now. It’s not like there’s anyone else around, huh?” He called back, feeling his confident act begin to fall back into place as his practiced nonchalant speaking tone shifted over the tightness in his voice from a moment ago.

He felt the pull of a smirk at the corners of his mouth as he heard a soft breath of a laugh from Ariana, and the tension beginning to disperse from the room.

“Yes, si-Troy! Sorry. Troy.” She called back, louder this time, and he leaned back a little more comfortably into his seat. “Yeah we’ve known each other a long time!” She continued, voice tilting upwards in obvious excitement.

“We met on Helios, when we were kids.” Ari offered, noting the slight turn of the Holy Twin’s head towards her as he listened.

“Well I was a kid, he was a bit older, but we were in the same class in what passed for a school on that place. He didn’t have many friends his age I guess, and I had no friends at all, so he kind of just attached to me! You know how some people are just like that?” A quiet snort of agreement from the desk in front of her making clear that yes, Troy knew exactly what ‘kind of people’ Jameson was exactly like.

“We just adopted each other then.” She followed. “We’ve kind of always been together since. He talked too much, he said, and that I talked too little! He’s been trying to make me get better at that.. actually.. uhh..” she trailed off, feeling a rush of returned awkwardness in the fact she was currently monologuing at a deity who could rip in her two if she irritated him.

He shifted further in his seat, turning far enough for her to catch the reflection of his monitors in his eye as he glanced back at her. “No, go on.” he encouraged reassuringly. “Kind of interesting to hear someone else’s opinion of the caustic tool for once.”

She caught the wolfish smirk before he turned back towards his screens, and felt a genuine smile of her own blossom in the relief that she wasn’t talking too much, he actually seemed to be enjoying this in some way. “Sure. Umm... Oh! We left Helios before everything went crazy up there, not long after all that shit happened with Jack. I think the COV was just starting up around then..” she mused for a moment, then let out a short laugh. “He’s my brother now I guess, and like you said before, he’s a pain in the ass, but I wouldn’t trade him for anything!” Ari chuckled, before excitedly continuing. “Oh man! Sorry, I-I mean, I don’t need to explain that, do I! I guess you of all people know all about that kind of feeling for someone like a sibling, right?”

Her smile faded as the seconds ticked by to no response, just the quick tapping of his fingers across the keys as he continued to work. That cold tension began to creep back into the air, and for a moment, she wondered if she really should have shut up earlier. “Where were you before Helios?” he prompted, voice controlled and tone unsettlingly blasé as he deftly opened up 3 more windows and dragged clips into them, his head subtly moving with his eyes as they shifted from file to file. “You clearly weren’t born there.”

The misdirection didn’t escape her, but she knew he was purposefully attempting to put her at ease by continuing the conversation, and it wasn’t a gesture she’d reject. “No, no I was born on Eden-6. I was there my whole childhood with my family before we all moved to-”

His raucous barking laugh interrupted her mid sentence, and she blanched, unsure of what she had said that was funny.

“Eden-6! Mannnnn!” he balked, hiccuping laughter rolling into a growling chuckle. “Dude, sucks for you, that place is a fuckin’ swampass shithole.”

He broke into laughter again, tilting his head back and running his hand back through the thick hair that she realised had been falling in front of his face this whole time, and Ariana saw red.

What the hell was funny about Eden-6? They were living on fucking Pandora by choice, and he calls Eden-6 a shithole? Seriously? She squeezed her fists shut and barely registered the bite of her long nails as they dug into her palms, completely aware she was losing the battle to keep quiet and not say something she’d regret.

“Wow. Funny. So what kind of up-its-own-ass wealthy bullshit homeworld did you come from?” Ari snapped back, before almost instantly reeling from how stupid an idea that outburst was.

She recoiled back into her chair as fear crept up her spine again, and felt her stomach drop even further as he slowly stood out of his seat, turning towards her.

His icy eyes met hers as he crossed the distance between their desks, half hooded and lazy above the rims of his glasses, maintaining their contact as he stopped in front of her monitors and calmly reached his prosthetic over before gently plucking the empty soda can off the desk beside her. She felt a wave of confusion as he turned with one last glare in her direction, before he began to walk towards the wall near the entrance door. She finally noticed he was carrying his coffee cup in the other hand.

Oh.

He wasn’t going to kill her. He was just.. getting more drinks. For both of them it seemed, considering she could hear the hiss of the team’s coffee machine in the dark, and the quiet open and close of their small stocked fridge. Ari stared down at her hands in her lap, cringing with each step as she heard him approach, desperately embarrassed by her overreaction.

She winced as she heard the clunk of the soft drink can he’d placed on the desk inches in front of her, and muttered a breathy “Sorry.”, still avoiding looking at him directly. The tap of his prosthetic’s finger on the rim of the can was a clear signal he wanted her to however, and she reluctantly raised her eyes to meet his, painfully aware of her flushed cheeks.

“Don’t worry about it.” he chuckled, still looming over the rise of her monitors like a lanky predator eying up its next meal. “J said you were good at speaking your mind. I kinda appreciate that with the people I have here. Means the feedback I get is uhh” he raised his eyebrows as he thoughtfully looked to the side “.. actually useful at times.”

“Besides, you’re wrong anyway, little miss thinks-she-knows-shit.” he scoffed, smiling into his coffee as he sipped from the refilled cup, then letting his gaze shift afterwards from the hot drink back to the extremely confused Ariana. “I’m from a shithole too.”

It took her a second for what he’d said to really register, and then Ari laughed. Really laughed, deep from her guts in snorting, gasping bursts. A moment later, he joined her, and for the first time that night it was truly genuine from him, even if it was quiet and tired, and still a little awkward.

The pause after was comfortable, and he stalked back to his chair, slumping into it as he nursed his drink. She eyed the can he’d brought her, the exact same energy drink as what had been empty on her desk, and the realisation he had been paying such attention felt oddly flattering to Ariana, like warmth deep in her belly. She reached out and touched the can, only the sounds of Troy sipping his drink and the fans and quiet clicks of the machine components around them breaking the silence. It wasn’t something she was used to. She was used to not mattering enough to notice things about, and wasn’t sure how to really handle this feeling. It felt welcoming, but frightening. Like being on the precipice of something. Like change.

“By the way” he smoothly interrupted her thoughts as he called over to her “I’m here most nights, around this time. If, you know, you do prefer working late, just keep in mind I’ll be around too. Long as it doesn’t affect your work, I’m ok to share the editing room with you like this.”

Ari was unsure why exactly, but that did something to her. It was innocent, it was an olive branch of friendship, she knew, but the reaction was visceral. Her instincts kicked in once more and a thrill of cold ran up her spine, prompting her to stand quickly and finally attempt to take her leave, approaching his desk nervously to bid her farewell.

“Troy, um, God King, thank you! For.. the chat, it was .. fun?” she stammered while eying the exit door as he lazily watched from over his raised cup.

“I’ve finished the tasks you queued for me so I’m going to, um, go to sleep hahhh.” she laughed unconvincingly, wringing her hands together as she awkwardly sidestepped towards the door, slowly turning away from him as she edged closer to her escape.

“Mmhm.. sure. Night.” he mused, cocking an eyebrow as he considered her with deep set interest, before continuing just as she reached towards the door controls.

"Oh, and Bunny?“ Troy drawled, watching as she stopped in her tracks and slowly turned to face the editing chair he was draped over.

"Keep all of this - " He gestured lazily between them, and raised a finger to tap the frame of his glasses as he locked eyes with her over the lenses. "- to yourself."

"Being cute doesn't stop wolves from eating little rabbits alive... Understand?“

There was a pregnant silence as Ari parsed the threat, the roaring of her own pulse overpowering the background hum of the cooling fans thrumming in the darkness of the almost entirely empty editing room she was so close to escaping from.

"Yes... sir” she swallowed shakily “ I understand."

She winced at the streak of blue light that pierced the darkness when Troy's metallic canines caught the monitor's glow as his mouth split into a vicious grin.

"Good girl. Sleep tight then. Night night." the God King sneered through those sharp, sharp teeth...

---

But Ariana didn’t sleep tight, and she spent all night trying to work out exactly why.

************

If you enjoyed this I’d love to hear comments or feedback, and you can check the rest of my twins writing:

Here

#borderlands #borderlands 3 #bl3 #troy calypso #calypso twins #ariana-serino #jameson-black #my hcs #my writing

56 notes · View notes

mammonspeanut · 4 years

Text

Mammon X MC - A little surprise part 2

So since the reaction to my first part has been positive I’m going to upload the second part. I did open a side blog to a) reblog all the wonderful content I have saved without annoying my followers on my main blog and b) to kind of separate both and to interact with everyone a bit more freely. This part is going to be a bit shorter but only because I like to clip part 2 exactly here. Plans are putting out maybe 4 parts so stay tuned (ca. 970 words)

part one

part three

Mammon has had one of his many ideas and carefully plans everything but how willing are his brothers to fall for one of his plans?

It wasn’t because he liked her, he could never admit to something like that but one thing he could admit to was that it was fun to dance with her and she enjoyed watching him dance and who was he to keep that from her? On his way to pick up the food from Hell’s kitchen, he had everything planned out. Only one thing was a problem, he couldn’t do it all alone. He was going to have to ask his brothers for help. He stood in front of MC’s bedroom door and shuddered. They would never do that, he would have to be extremely convincing to have them join him. He shook his head as he silently argued with himself about how he didn’t need anyone to help him and as the door swung open and MC stood right in front of him with her hair still wet and a droplet of water running down her cheek from the shower, she must have taken while he was out, in that moment he knew the only answer was that he needed his brothers to help him.

“Hey! You! Did you grow some roots? Come on in the food is getting cold Mister.” MC laughed “N..No I was just wondering if I could get away with running off with all of the food! But since I am so generous I’ll share it with you. The great Mammon sharing with a human, you should be thankful-” “Yada, yadda, yada. Come inside handsome.” MC cut his monolog short and pulled him into the room. He stood in the room trying to process what she had just said. Handsome? Well, yes obviously he was handsome, after all, he was THE MAMMON, but hearing it out of her mouth was surprising and left him at a loss for words as he watched her jump onto her bed and pat the empty space next to her. After a long night of teasing each other and telling embarrassing stories, MC finally fell asleep. He didn’t even notice it until she didn’t answer anymore as he was talking throughout a movie they put on. Mammon stood up to turn off her laptop, but right before he shut it off he glanced over his shoulder to make sure MC was asleep. Grabbing on to the pillow next to her a quiet murmur escaped her lips “..Mammon…” , he felt his heart skip a beat and quietly went into her music library.

The next couple of days he spent preparing everything and planning the entire gig. He didn’t want to propose anything to his brothers without having something in his hands that they would agree with. After a week of planning he had mostly everything planned out and had watched all of the videos and recordings of live performances of the songs he settled on. One afternoon he had called all of his brothers into a room in the basement. He knew it was going to be an almost impossible thing to get to work since they had already tried to form a band and no one had time but he was betting on them liking MC enough that they would agree. As he sat crossed-legged on the floor thinking about how he was going to ask them one after another entered the room. Getting more and more nervous, he began to fidget with his rings watching Lucifer entering last he thought he was going to puke on the floor. “So Mammon, what did you order us all here for?” Lucifer’s voice cut through the silence making Mammon stand up immediately to make himself taller “Probably one of his dumb schemes.” Satan added, “Mammoooonn~ Hurry up I need to go to sleep, someone as gorgeous as I am has to get enough sleep.” Asmodeus chirped from the other side of the room “S..So I-I I had -”, Mammon stammered “What a waste of time, I need to get back to my room and finish this game and Mammon is stammering like a five-year-old.”,Leviathan mocked Mammon “I want to perform MC with singing and dancing and I need you to help me.” Mammon blurted out before they could continue to roast him. The room fell silent for a moment until everyone began to laugh “Mammon, you’ll never pull this through. You’ll start this and then get bored leaving us with all of the work to do.”, Lucifer laughed “But, look I-” “That’s a no from me.” Belphegor yawned, cutting Mammon off before he could form a sentence and with that one after the other left the room. “Not, you too Beel? You have to help me.”, Mammon pleaded “Sorry Mammon but, Lucifer is right. You don’t take anything seriously and in the end, we’ll be doing all of the work.” Beel answered shaking his head sorrowfully as he left the room.

Mammon stood alone in the middle of the room and as the door clicked shut. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes. Yes, he often came up with ideas he didn’t follow through with and sometimes he was easily distracted but he really wanted this. Not for himself but for his human, all he wanted to do is see his human smile, it was his job after all. The tears began to flow over, “She’s my human and I want to make her happy.” he blubbered out as the tears fell one after another. If they weren’t going to support him he was going to do it alone. He’ll show them, he’s the great Mammon, he doesn’t need help or anyone else. He can do it all alone. He wiped the tears out of his eyes with the arm of his shirt and started to set everything up to practice. This was going to be the best performance ever, after all, he was the great Mammon.

#mammon x mc #thanks for reading #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me levi #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me beel #obey me belphie #obey me #my fiction #obey me fanfic

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archiveikemen · 2 years

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Amamiya Henri Main Story — Chaper 10 Premium Story

I do not own any of the Ikemen Series content being uploaded on this blog, everything belongs to CYBIRD. Please support them by downloading and playing their games.

read this before interacting with my posts

MC: Henri, wait!

I chased after Henri, who had just left the living room.

He stopped and turned around with an awkward smile.

Henri: Sorry, did I make you worried?

Henri: Makoto is really merciless, huh? I don't like it.

Henri pouted as he said in his usual joking tone.

MC: Um…

(I don’t know what to say to him, even though I chased him all the way here.)

As if Henri saw right through me, he bent down a little and brought his face close to mine.

Henri: Hey, MC. Do you still remember the appointment we made at the barbecue?

MC: What!? Of course I do!

I nodded, surprised by the sudden lack of distance between us and the change of topic.

(We made a promise to go eat pancakes together.)

== Flashback Start ==

Henri: Want to go with me?

Henri: Then let’s go after the upcoming ‘Own The Night’ live show.

== Flashback End ==

Henri: How about tomorrow? It’s your off-day, right? If you’re available, of course.

MC: I am! Let’s go.

I answered with great enthusiasm.

(I might be able to hear more of Henri’s stories.)

Henri gave me an innocent smile.

Henri: Alrighty.

Henri: I’m looking forward to our date.

MC: …!

Henri's wink made me blush.

MC: D-Date….

I gulped as I muttered that word in a small voice, feeling nervous.

The next day…—

Right before going out with Henri, I was spending more time than usual checking my hairstyle.

(I think I’m being too self-conscious.)

Looking in the mirror, I saw that my hairstyle was different from my usual.

I took a small breath as I checked the ends of my hair that I had curled outwards.

(Henri called this a date…)

I stopped touching my hair, took a deep breath and balled my fists.

(Anyway, let’s listen to what Henri wants to tell me today!)

(If he has any worries, I’ll see what I can do to help.)

Filled with enthusiasm and excitement, I went for my date with Henri.

Henri brought us to the pancake cafe we were talking about the other day.

MC: Mmm— it’s delicious.

Henri: Right?

Eating pancakes with berries and whipped cream toppings put me in a good mood.

(I’ve always wanted to come to this cafe, but I never thought that I’d come here with Henri.)

With my fork still in my hand, I glanced at Henri…

(...!?)

I noticed Henri staring at me.

MC: W-What’s the matter?

Henri: Hm—

Henri smiled and reached his hand across the table.

MC: … Mmm

I was surprised when Henri wiped away the whipped cream at the corner of my mouth with his finger.

Henri: Mmhmm. Sweet.

I got stunned for a moment when I saw Henri lick the cream off his finger, and then my cheeks instantly grew hot.

MC: U-Uhm. Sorry! I got too caught up in eating.

I hurriedly offered him a wet towel as I spoke, and Henri simply chuckled.

Henri: Was the food that good?

MC: … Well, I’ve always wanted to try these pancakes.

(I’m glad I came here with Henri.)

I put down my fork and took a sip of my tea.

When I finally stopped blushing, Henri spoke.

Henri: I think a girl with a good appetite and enjoys eating delicious food is very cute.

MC: Huh!?

Ignoring my reaction, Henri beckoned me to move closer to him.

(...? Is there still something on my face?)

I put down my cup and leaned forward a little hesitantly…

Henri: Your hairstyle today is cute too.

Henri: Did you pay special attention to your hair because of our date?

He gently stroked my hair, and this time, my entire body temperature shot up.

MC: …!? T-Th-Thanks.

(As expected… Henri's really good at complimenting girls.)

(I shouldn't be thinking about that right now.)

I drank a sip of water and took a deep breath to calm myself down before looking up at him.

I put my cup down and cut to the chase.

MC: So, um, Henri. Yesterday, Makoto said that…

Henri: … Huh? Oh, that.

Henri’s smile disappeared from his face, he straightened his back and said in a rather sarcastic tone.

Henri: The thing about me feeling empty?

MC: Yeah. Do you really… feel that way?

Henri looked down, as if he were struggling to answer my question.

Henri: I…

#ikemen live #ikelive main story #ikemen series #cybird ikemen #cybird otome #otome #henri main story

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forever-more-never-again · 5 years

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It’s Too Scary, You Have to Help Me (A Natasha Request)

Requested: Anonymous

Word Count: 3451

Pairing: Natasha X Reader

Warnings: Swearing, Blood, Gore, Horror! Creatures! Panic, Suicidal ideals

Request: Hi! <3 ur blog!!! Can I request a Nat x R (romantic) /Avengers x R imagine? This random idea came to mind after I re-watched Stephen King’s IT…R has an ability: thought projection & they’re still working on control. cool power + one MAJOR drawback. Reading/watching something scary leads to thoughts of: "what if this person/being was real, have some/all of their abilities, and are focused on tormenting me?” R inadvertently brings their fear to life. Major Angst w/ fluff at the end? Thank you!! Hey! This may not be necessary, but I wanted to clarify: regarding the Nat x R / Avengers x R request in which the R has the power of thought projection: it is the ability to alter reality through their own imagination and the degree of permanence these changes have depends on the circumstances…

a/n: So while I didn’t use ‘IT’ I did use another Stephen King Creation...The Mist! I didn’t really know how to end it, but I hope you like it! And enjoy all the terror, angst and Horror!

Masterlist

“Run!” Your voice echoed through the tech floor of the tower.

Tony jolted from where he was bent over one of his workbenches, Bruce doing the same from a table away. They shared a concerned look before Bruce booked it to the Hulk containment unit they had built after you had joined the team.

Tony ran to the comm unit that was wired throughout the Tower, “Run Code 2689! FRIDAY Alert the team!” Before his suit enveloped his body and he scanned the area.

“Where is [Y/n]!? Tony!?” Natasha’s concerned voice came clear into Tony’s ear comm, alerting him that she was back from her mission and hadn’t had time to take off her suit yet.

“Not sure where they are yet. They are somewhere on Floor Beta. Not sure what is happening, so be on the lookout.”

Natasha took a calming breath. She wasn't scared of you. No, it was the opposite, she was scared for you. Your powers were strong and strange. And they hurt you, mentally and sometimes physically. It was to be expected of someone who had thought projection paired with a reality altering ability. It didn’t help that Clint liked to play pranks and show you scary movies, which could affect your control since it was linked to how strong your thoughts on a certain subject became.

Natasha did not want a repeat of Godzilla. That was a hassle to explain to the Media and keep you out of Government facilities and testing centers.

Natasha ran down the staircase, half listening as the rest of the team came online and searched for her lover and whatever they had conjured up this time.

“So...I think I know what set them off this time.” A contrite sounding Vision said through the comms.

Natasha growled, “I was expecting Clint to be the troublemaker, not you Vision. What did you do to [Y/n]?”

Wanda barked, tone a little defensive, “Don’t go blaming Vision! [Y/n] is a new addition to the team, Vision didn’t know that he had to be careful about what he showed them.”

“No one is blaming anyone! Right now we need to focus on finding and calming down [Y/n]! Vision, what did you show [Y/n].” Steve’s commanding Captain voice shut everyone up.

Natasha had made it to floor Beta by then, and found Tony standing guard by his Lab. Through the thick Plexiglass, she saw Bruce sitting in the Hulk Containment unit, listening in to the Team’s conversation through the Comm unit attached.

“Well, you know that new movie that came out yesterday? My core recently uploaded it to my system and I was showing [Y/n] how it worked and my projector turned out and they may have seen a couple minutes of The Mist Monsters.”

Natasha groaned, “And what are the monsters?” She steeled herself, she would do whatever she had to to protect you. She loved you too much to see the terror and pain that would come if you found out you had hurt anyone with your abilities.

Vision coughed, a little chagrined, “Well… Expect to be in mist so thick you can’t see through it…”

Natasha cursed under her breath, briefly noting Tony doing the same.

“And the monsters, while never outwardly shown, seem to be some sort of cannibalistic tentacle creature that tortures their victims by tearing off body parts to hear their screams.”

Natasha heard Bucky’s sharp intake, “This is going to be worse than Godzilla.”

She agreed, but, “We just have to find [Y/n] and convince them that it’s not real and that they are safe. That the mist and the creatures are not real.”

And that was honestly the hardest part. They could fight and battle creatures of horror and terror all day long. Hell it was a normal tuesday for the Avenger’s. But trying to calm someone who could alter reality, who thought that what they created WAS reality, was harder. Especially when they made their projections have some form of permanence, which meant they could hurt people, possibly kill them. Which would have an effect on [Y/n]’s mentality.

Steve cleared his throat, and everybody could hear the nervous tone, though no one commented on it, “Alright team. Stay in groups, No one by themselves, and if you see [Y/n], containment and contact. Make sure they know you are real.”

Natasha nodded and that was when things went to shit.

“Tony.”

“I see it.”

Her and Tony adjusted to face the slow rolling Mist that was creeping towards them from the hallway.

Looking sideways, Natasha saw Bruce double over in pain and green pulse through his body. It seemed the Mist was affecting the Hulk.

Turning back, to focus all her attention to the threat in front of her, She drew her gun out of her holster and steadied herself, drawing in a centering breath.

“Stay next to me.” Tony ordered, pressing so that his metal clad leg was touching Natasha’s leather one. The contact making sure that they knew where they were as all to soon they were encased in mist so thick, it was almost like Cement.

Natasha whispered, not sure where anything was in the grey mass, “Vision, how does the Mist end.”

Vision’s voice was just as quiet, and Natasha could hear Wanda and Clint whispering in the background, clueing her in that they were together, “I believe the main character tries to escape with his son and some others in a car, but they run out of gas and in a fit of desperation he shoots everyone but can’t kill himself since he runs out of bullets, but as soon as he kills his son, the mist clears to show the military there to save them. It’s truly a sad ending.”

“Fuck. I don’t care about how sad it it. This just means that [Y/n] may have their gun with them and be desperate enough to kill us to ‘save’ us from the monsters they have created.”

From the horrified gasps echoed through the comms, Natasha deduced that no one else had thought of that.

“Looks like Ground and floors 2-5 are not affected. Bucky and I are in the control center on Ground Alpha and trying to monitor from there. Vision, Wanda, Clint, there’s a motion sensor going haywire on Ground Clarence where you are near, stay alert. No heat signature is detected, so it may be one of these monsters.”

“Run! Stay away! Nat!”

Natasha’s head jerked at your screams.

Tony made to grad her arm, but not being able to see her, even though she was only less than a few inches away, but missed as the weight and feel of her leg against his was suddenly gone.

“Natasha! Get back here! Steve! Natasha just ran off. She heard something in the Mist that I couldn’t. I think there’s more to this than just monsters.” Tony shot off a blast as he thought he saw movement behind him.

The mist didn’t even dissipate as the heat went through it.

Steve cursed, “Fuck! Natasha. Come in. I see a heat signature on Ground Beta, but I want to confirm it’s you. Natasha?”

Natasha couldn’t respond to her concerned teammates, she could hear the terror and panic in your voice as you continued to scream, and the only thing she could think of was helping you and showing you that she was unhurt.

“Natasha! It’s too scary! You have to help me! Please! The monster’s will kill you! They’re going to kill me!”

Your voice suddenly cut off and Natasha froze at the sudden silence. The Mist colagating around her, smothering her in it’s grey, silent mass.

And then it was cut by an agonized scream. One filled with pain and blood and terror.

“[Y/n]!”

Natasha took off again, narrowing in on the location of the drawn out blood curdling shriek.

It seemed that the sound had been heard by everyone else, as they all screamed into the comms, asking what was happening.

“I have motion sensors going crazy and a single heat signature in the middle, Natasha, be careful.”

Natasha nodded, even though Steve couldn’t see her.

Her run slowed to a jog as she neared the screams, as they slowly died into a strangled, whispered shriek of pain.

“[Y/n]?” Your name a whisper on her lips. Natasha kept her gun out in front, ready to fire at anything.

And then her foot hit something solid.

Glancing down, Natasha could barely make out the shape of a leg against her toes.

Trying to keep her cool, but not being able to control the shake of her limbs, Natasha squatted down to get a better look.

“[Y/n]?”

Another whisper. This time pleading.

Natasha let the gun lower to her side as she stretched out a hand into the Mist to where the head of the body should be.

Natasha let out a dry, ragged sob as she pulled your body up against hers. You were okay. Unconscious, but okay.

Faster than anyone could spot, Natasha whirled and fired off two shots into the Mist. Black sludge hit her cheeks but she didn’t flinch.

A horrifying Squeal echoed and then a single tentacle, pink, bulging, with Black sludge coming out of a single gunshot, slapped the ground next to where Natasha sat with you in her lap. The rest of the creature hidden in the depths, the thickness, of the Mist.

Natasha returned her attention to you. You couldn’t get rid of the monsters if you weren’t conscious.

Gently, she shook you, “[Y/n]. Wake up. It’s me. Natasha. Please baby.”

Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes as she looked down at your still form, your breaths steady and deep.

And then your eyes slammed open and you jerked out of her grasp, “Run!”

Natasha struggled to keep you in her sight, as you tried to disappear into the midst of the Grey Matter.

“[Y/n]! It’s me! You’re okay!”

Slowly, blinking, your gaze settled on her face. Raising a hand, you caressed her cheek, “Natasha?”

Nat nodded, her lips curving up into a grin. “It’s me. You’re okay. Now. I need you to calm down. The Mist isn’t real..”

But that seemed to be the wrong thing to say, because you freaked out again, panicking, and with startling speed, you had ripped the gun out of Natasha’s hands.

“No! The Mist comes for everyone! The monsters! They already killed the rest of the team. We’re going to die! And it will be slow and-and,” You choked on a sob, tears streaming steadily down your face as you wiped some of the black sludge off of Natasha’s face, “I can’t-I can’t bear the thought of you in pain. Not you, my Love.”

Natasha captured your hand, desperately, trying to convince you, “You won’t have to. Come on [Y/n]. Remember this morning? You, me and Tony decided to Put Nair in Clint’s shampoo? We made pancakes. You and Vision were relaxing. He showed you a clip of a movie, this isn’t real! I’m real. I’m here. You’re safe. I’m safe.”

Throughout her plea, you shook your head, tears falling at a steady rate, breathing growing ragged.

Eyes widened in terror, you spun and fired off a shot into the Mist, another painful squeal could be heard, like an echo coming from deep inside a cave.

In a contradicting, calm manner, you clicked out the clip and looked at the remaining Bullet.

Sadly, but in a whisper, “Only one bullet left. I can’t. I can’t have you suffer. I’d rather it was me. I’m the monster. With the rest of the team already gone. I deserve to die in pain for what I’ve done. But you,” Looking up at Natasha’s wide viridian eyes, you tried to smile, but were aware it came out as more of a grimace, “You are so good. Trying to get rid of the red in your ledger, even though you have ten times over. You are so good. You loved me, you cared for me, even when I thought I was good for nothing except a prison cell in government confinement. You gave me a life and a family. And I will carry that with me to the…” A watery laugh, “Very soon, I should think, End.”

Natasha frantically shook her head, “No! They aren’t dead! [Y/n]! I can prove it!” Natasha tried to take her comm out of her ear, but her hands were shaking so badly, she dropped it in the Mist. Lost in the grey sludge.

“No.” Hands splayed flat on the ground, disappearing into the Mist, trying to feel anything. Trying to find the Comm that was now gone. Her link to her Team, gone.

You shook your head at your girlfriend’s pleads, “I’m Sorry. But I can’t hurt you anymore. This will be the last time, I promise.” And you raised the gun in your hand to rest it against Natasha’s forehead.

Natasha sobbed, her body sagging as she cradled you against her, you were still straddled in her lap, your bodies combining their warmth. A single speck in the middle of the chaos.

“[Y/n]...I love you so much. I don’t want you to blame yourself. This isn’t real. If you do this...you will hate yourself. The Mist is just a movie. Vision didn’t know not to let you see the scary part. But I’m safe. Tony, Bruce, Wanda, Clint, Vision, Bucky and Steve are all safe. I’m safe. You’re safe. The Mist and the Monster’s aren't real! It’s a movie! Come back to me. Please! [Y/n],” Natasha rushed up and captured your lips in hers, the cold steel of the Gun still prominent as it dug into her forehead, aware of your finger, so close to pulling the trigger.

She pulled back, looking deep into your sad, surprised eyes, “I love you. And I promised I would protect you and remind you of reality.”

It was like a light switch was turned on. Suddenly the Mist was gone. The strange tentacle with it’s black blood disappeared. The black Sludge on Natasha’s cheek was gone like it had never been there in the first place.

Natasha heaved a sigh in relief and fell backwards.

You stayed sitting up, still straddling her, the gun still held tight in your grip. But it began to shake violently as the ramifications of what you almost did caught up to you.

“Natasha?” You needed to confirm that she was still alive. You had almost killed your girlfriend. The one person who you loved and who didn’t see you as a monster.

“Natasha?” The body under you was still warm. But you couldn’t stop seeing a bloody mess, a cold corpse, tentacles wrapping around the familiar black leather and strangling her.

“Natasha?” The light leaving those lovely green eyes, those ruby red lips opened in a scream, screaming your name, blaming you for killing her because you couldn’t control your powers.

“Natasha?”

A hand gently cradled yours and slowly, pried your fingers off the gun. Leaving it to clatter against the floor.

A scent of vanilla and cherries, a brush of fingers on your cheek, the pressure of arms wrapping around your waist, the whisper tickles of hair in your face.

“I’m here. You’re here. We’re okay.” And you relaxed into your embrace. Crying without a care. Shamelessly throwing yourself at her further, trying to hide from the world and what you almost did.

“Natasha!? [Y/n]!? Are you guys okay!? The Mist is gone!” Tony’s concerned gruff voice was clear and sent you further into your guilt. Shuddering violently, you kept your face firmly pressed into Natasha’s shoulder.

Natasha answered, rubbing a hand up and down your back, “It’s okay. I brought them back to reality. They thought you were all dead, so why don’t you call everyone to the common room so that they can see that they are all alive. But then I’m going to take them to our room to calm down.”

You were vaguely aware of being moved, but you kept your legs wrapped around Natasha’s waist, arms secured around her neck and your face buried into the crook of it, breathing in her scent, centering yourself to the real reality.

You had almost killed her. You had almost put a bullet through the skull of your girlfriend. And claimed it had been to save her from monsters that weren’t even real!

“[Y/n]. Babe. Look up please. See,” You raised your head, tears no longer coming from your eyes, but your face covered in the aftermath of water and salt, to see your team standing around you in concern. No blame or shame from any of them. Which furthered your own guilt. They shouldn’t be used to this. They should be blaming you, be scared of you. It was what you deserved for putting them through so much pain and horror and terror.

Natasha continued on, aware of your inner fight, but leaving it to confront when you were both alone, “Everyone is alive and safe. They are okay.”

You nodded along. Knowing that’s what they wanted. A sign that you were aware and in the present.

Your body was tired and felt like a bag of rocks, your eyes heavy from the torrent of tears and the adrenaline that had raged through your body.

The next time you looked, you were sitting on your bed. Alone.

Cracking your neck, you stared down at your hands, flipping them back and forth. They were hands that held a gun to the head of your lover. They were the hands that were attached to the person who couldn’t differentiate reality from fiction.

“Why am I even still alive?” Your whispered question wasn’t meant for anyone to hear.

But you got a response anyways.

“Because I love you. You matter. And you’re a hero.”

The bed dipped as Natasha crawled onto it and pulled you into her arms.

You snuggled into her body, into her warmth. Hiding your head against her chest. Your legs becoming tangled together.

“How can I be a hero when I can’t even control my powers and my mind thinks Monsters are real and can bring them to life? How can I be a hero when I was so ready to kill you!?”

And that was the crux of this episode. In all the weeks and months of living with the Avengers since they had found you, you had never once hurt or injured a teammate, and you had never been ready to kill Natasha. You had never once held a gun to her head. You had never once claimed you had to kill someone to save them.

Natasha rubbed soothing hands up and down your back, Her breath a warm rush of air tickling the top of your head, “It’s okay. I’m safe. You’ll get better at Control. Remember what I said?”

She pulled you back and stared deep into your eyes, her lips a soft smile, “I will always be here to help you know what is reality and what isn’t. I will never leave you.”

You shook your head, not believing her yet, “How can you still love me after I almost shot you in the head!?”

Natasha kept the smile on her face, her hands tracing from your back, to your arms, sliding up to cup your cheeks, “We’re Avengers, we face terrible things everyday. But I can always count on one thing, you know what that is?” She didn’t give you time to respond, closing the distance so that her nose rested against yours, her eyes impossibly close, her breath fanning against your lips, “I can always Count on your love. You. Your determination. Your drive to be better. Your laugh. Your infectious joys. Your ability to remain positive. Your jokes with Clint. Your brain as you solve complex problems with Tony and Bruce. Your solemn silence and empathy with Steve and Bucky. Your love of Vines and Memes when talking with Vision and Wanda. You. You are the heart and soul of this team. And you have my heart and Soul as well.”

Tears came again. This time filled with happiness and love.

Closing the last few inches, you captured Natasha’s lips in yours. Teeth catching her bottom lip and eliciting a gasp from her.

Slowly pulling away, her lips trying to follow yours. You reached up and tangled your fingers with hers, holding her hand against your chest as you grinned, “I love you so Much Natasha. Thank you for always Saving me.”

FOREVER Taglist:

@sxph-t @mialeelavellan @rainydaysrnevergrey @platonic-plots @sociallyawkwardcircus-freak-hi @ayyidkeither @queenbbarnes @mythixmagic @chas-z @thefridgeismybestie @strangersstranger @princess-evans-addict

Natasha Taglist:

@ludwigvonbaethoven @hanjiscience-slut @kitten-q-p @morbid-gaymer @honeybadgerwhodoesntcare @sunnyandtwisty @zoeyknight @kurlyafro @thewomanofwonder @5aftermidnight @myfemininelesboworld @rizamendoza808

Avengers Taglist:

@jadepc @marvel-is-a-mood

351 notes · View notes

euphoriacrossing · 5 years

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The closer we get the more my anxiety plays up...

What if I can't keep up with my journal that I worked so hard on?

What if I mess up something I can't change on my island? (I don't WANT to have to reset, but if it's the first day i will... i don't want to have to reset two or three days in because i change my mind about something...)

And the bigger ones.... I've been so tired I can barely stay awake two or three hours at a time. I can't do a whole lot of recreational things because I'm asleep. Right now I'm attributing it to depression, but I am going to ask my oncologist if maybe the meds could cause it (the meds I DID stop, but thay messed with my hormones anyway) or if the slight bit of anemia I have could cause it maybe? What if I am not awake enough to fully enjoy the game?

I go to the oral surgeon I think for a consultation to get some teeth pulled, what if he wants to do it anytime soon after the game is out? Will it mess with my enjoybility to have that kind of procedure? (Last time I had teeth out... my wisdom teeth I did very poorly, I got two dry sockets and was in some of the worst pain... I was LUCKY to be able to sleep as much as I did, because the pain was awful. And I followed instructions, so I don't know if I am more prone to those kinds of things or if it was the fact he didn't tell me to stop my birth control or what... but it was bad. And now I have a much higher tolerance to pain meds and will have to use the ones I'm ON so they'll be less effective probably. I'll die if I get a dry socket. Pain tolerance, mine is high until you get to my mouth and then I'm an absolute crybaby.) So say he wants to do it the Monday after... will I be out of commission to play for two weeks or more while I recover? I know this sounds more important, but to me the game is important, too. I want to be able to put in at least some work daily for quite a while so I can create a beautiful island at the same time others who start on the 20th are. So it may not seem like a huge deal, but it is to me okay? Enough of a huge deal for my anxiety to use it against me.

Those are just examples though. I have an anxiety disorder which in past years has become more generalized and entwined with my bipolar symptoms. So I am in no short supply of things related to the 20th to be anxious about.

I wish I could just be happy. And I mean, I am. We have less than a week and I'll be playing a game that is 7 years in the making for those of us that play Animal Crossing. I've been waiting with baited breath probably more than a year, to the point where when Pokemon Sw/Shld came out it was just a distraction instead of the main event, at that point I was already craving New Horizons desperately. And here we are nearly at the end of our waiting, I am happy, don't get me wrong.

But my mind never just let's me be happy.

What if I am too late to make friends in the first few days like I've planned? Everyone else seems to already have their friendships, but I knew I couldn't keep up with a friendship that long. So here is the week to make friends, and I don't feel I know how, or I feel like most people already have their friends. I have maybe two people besides my sister to play with. And I'm excited for that. But I'd love to be included in a larger group of friends or something, you know, that sort of thing is nice. If I only have a few close friends though, that'd be nice too. And i think the first few days it seems people might just be playing on their own, i don't always NEED someone to play with, I'll probably prefer to play alone, or maybe with my sister mostly, or just my close friend when I play. But it's just i guess i expected to use this opportunity to make more friends and now i feel i am wasting it. I don't often have such an "easy way" to make friends because I am disinterested in most things and just don't have a lot to talk about. This common interest is an amazing thing to talk about and should make things easier, but it doesn't as much as I hoped I guess.

What if I don't finish my journal? I worked so hard on it, but i need my dad's help with the label maker and need to finalize the decisions about what I'm going to record in it before I do make the labels. It can still be changed later because I am using labels on plastic tabs and a discbound journal but what if I don't have time once i'm playing?

Ugh. Just all the "what ifs". And I know some people will think "why'd she bother making this post?" Well random person, it does help to get them out in the open. Since most everything I have been thinking has been AC related lately, this has turned into a bit of a personal blog. Sorry for that. I do plan to make it a New Horizons blog and post as much original content as I can once ACNH is out.

Oh another one. What if posting original content is too hard?

Like, I want this blog to have original content and all that, but if you have to remove your memory card and get on a computer to do it, that's a lot of trouble and extra energy I don't have these days. And you had to do that for New Leaf and everyone did including myself, but I had more energy and it seemed easier. And it seems like it was less effort those days because people DID THINGS on the computer including myself. Now I use my phone and ipad as computers, you can do almost all the same things on them, and my laptop sits idle which might be the reason it doesn't run as well these days. Or it may just be that it's old as crap for a laptop. I mean, I guess it's moderately old for what it is, it's a very nice laptop, but I think it's the same one I had for New Leaf so it's been with me a while. Anyway, it SEEMED like less trouble because you were on the computer doing stuff anyway, so just pop your memory card in there and go while you're checking your stuff. It's not that easy on a phone, BUT I am hoping you can post photos and screenshots to SOMETHING through the Nooklink app. We don't know everything about the app yet as it isnt out yet, and I doubt you can post straight to tumblr (though that'd make things easy, huh?) because this is not the most used platform anymore, but if I can post them to anywhere (like facebook or twitter... I'd probably post them privately to facebook because I am less versed in twitter stuff, but then I did recently become an AC twitter on my personal twitter because I never used my personal twitter anyway, so... yeah...) I can grab them on my phone once they are uploaded and reupload them here. But I also plan to make my "diary like" text posts here. I am not recording a diary in my journal having to do with NH, I only want like... data and information I can use, etc. But that doesn't mean I won't want to write diary like entries, and I am less likely to lose my blog that a physical journal anyway it feels. (I say less likely... I lost my New Leaf blog for a few years there, but with effort I did recently find it.) So it could be very easy to post original content here, or if the app doesn't do things it really totally should, then it might be a bit more effort and I don't know if I have that to give right now, so I'm nervous about that. Everything I post here about my game experience is going to be more for me to look back on than anything, so I WANT to be able to post about that stuff here. But I guess we'll have to wait to see, along with waiting for the game.

And everyone knows how well waiting and anxiety get along. They are two peas in a pod, they play off each other like it's no one's business.

But I hope everything in the end will just be okay. I am "lucky" in a way. Since I'm chronically ill, disabled, and have cancer, I don't have work or school to worry about and while being sick is a big bummer, that does take a lot of stress off of me. I don't know how I would handle a job or school even just mentally these days, I don't see how it could go well and I guess that is because I am so sick, even just mentally... but I know a lot of disabled people DO still do those things anyway, sometimes because they HAVE to, so I am glad I am in a position at my age where I am still largely take care of. My disability money doesn't cover a fraction of my necessities, so I feel blessed everyday for my parents, even though my mom and I fight like cats and dogs. Annnndddd now I am getting to be anxious about what happens to me when my parents are gone and that's a WHOLE different type of anxiety... yikes... I need to stop letting my anxiety run rampant now I guess, it's gone too far.

But I am very "lucky" to be in a position where once the game comes out it can be my main focus for a while. Partially because i don't have the energy to focus on many different things, so it's good Animal Crossing can take up that main spot in my life for now.

Come on now, back to AC anxieties. Ya stupid general anxiety...

And I guess I am anxious about the typical things people are anxious about... what fruit will I get, will I like my first Islanders, etc. but to me those things arent as major. All the fruits are so pretty I could really get on with any of them I think, and hopefully my first villagers will be great, but I'll make myself a net if they're not, and I do have amiibo cards for moving in some of my favorite villagers later on, so I can deal with a dud or two.

I'm a little anxious about map layouts too, just picking the right one seems a little difficult to me since there are some things you cannot change. But I think I can make a good choice, I'm more worried if I'll be able to draw it in for my journal or not. I should draw the general layout for the map, but I don't even know if I can do that right.

Oh I also have a package to finish working on and get in the mail before Friday, BUT I finished the hardest parts (writing a bunch of postcards, basically a latter's worth of text but on postcards) last night, so I just have to do finishing touches and get it out. I maybe want to type another letter to send out, too, but if I don't get it done I'll try not to beat myself up. I got really burnt out on mail stuff lately and as much as I still get, which is about one or two things in the mail daily, I can't reply to all the things I should. I'm stressed about it, but I won't let that ruin my New Horizons time. Especially since mail was supposed to be a fun hobby for me and just... stopped. But that's a whole different thing, that has less to do with New Horizons than the other stuff.

Now I genuinely do feel less stressed since I rambled on for a while. Thanks for reading this, if you read any of it. I don't expect anyone to read all this anxiety inducing, depressing junk.

But anyway, now I am going to try and think about the Nooklink app and what kind of features I think it should have. Like I said, it really should have a way to post screenshots/pictures to social media, and I bet it's got something like that since we have the camera in game. I bet we maybe even can post pictures to social media from the switch. I mean, well, I know we can technically, but I mean I bet we can without having to leave the game. Because you can do that in New Leaf now. Gosh would that have been handy YEARS ago. I guess it came with the "welcome amiibo" update?

But at least we know we can scan in QR codes. I dunno if you've noticed but I have been collecting some and tagging them (you can find them under the "QR" tag on my blog, or by type of QR code, likes dresses I just tagged "dress") so I have them once we are able to use them in game. I am going to check my @playtimewithmadi blog to see if I have QR codes saved that I used in New Leaf, too, so I can reblog any good ones here. All of that gives me something to do, I suppose.

I could also work on my journal, or my mail. Both need to get done before Friday and need work.

But honestly, I am probably gonna play Happy Home Designer right now. I'll design at least one house, and then maybe I'll work on my mail and journal stuff. We'll see.

Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me, I love everyone who stays subbed to this blog even though the BS posts like this. Sorry for rambling on, but I needed this, so thank you for letting me have it.

Off to more distraction then...

#Animal Crossing anxiety #Animal Crossing #anxiety #mental illness #Animal Crossing New Horizons #personal #mine

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