#stupid adhd brain got the better of me

[ughgoaway]

ace!!! i'm in the final stretch of my first au and I am very happy for it, I think I have overcome the fear of publishing so thank you <3

while I will continue waiting for mayhem bath request because i think it will be amazing

🪐

oh my god, yay!!! im so happy for you!! I CAN'T WAIT to read it. Posting stuff is really hard, but it's so rewarding, too <3

I'm so sorry for not doing the request today, it completed slipped my mind! I was busy recovering from the show, and my brain completely forgot. I promise to do it for you tomorrow, my love! (thats technically today bc it is 1am for me lol)

it is such a good idea, I can't wait to write it :)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[running-in-the-dark]

and it just occurred to me that when we move, I might try to find a new therapist. there might be one/a few right in the town we're moving to (I haven't checked), but we'll be really close to a city then. so I could get there regularly (maybe. it's very scary but maybe I can manage it). so. I should probably do that? maybe find someone who'll like.... do more than just accept that I've got social anxiety (because that's what I said when I first saw my previous therapist) and help me figure out the real problem.

[jockgothbitch]

the fact I made the post that confused and prompted this person(s) to ask and insult like 8 years ago is fucking insane like I went through the 5 stages of grief I think after initial confusion

anyway imagine taking it so personal where I said I didn't like a book I had to read in school but liked the other one I had to read I wish I had this kind of free time I miss that shit

[inkskinned]

it is hard to explain without sounding vain or stupid - but the more attractive others find you, the more you're allowed to do. the easier your life is.

i have been on both sides of this. i am queer and cuban. i grew up poor. for a long time i didn't know "how" to dress - and i still don't. i make my sister pick out any important outfits. i have adhd in spades: i was never "cool and quiet", i was the weird kid who didn't understand how "normal" people behave. i was bullied so hard that the "social outcasts" wouldn't even talk to me.

i got my teeth straightened. i cut my hair and learned how to style it. i got into makeup. it didn't matter, at first, if i actually liked what i was doing - it mattered how people responded to it. like a magic trick; the right dress and winged eyeliner and suddenly i was no longer too weird for all of it. i could wear the ugly pokemon shirt and it was just "ironic" or a "cute interest."

when i am seen as pretty, people listen. they laugh at my jokes. they allow me to be weird and a little spacey. i can trust that if i need something, people will generally help me. privilege suddenly rushes in: pretty does buy things. pretty people get treated more gently.

i am the same ugly little girl, is the thing. still odd. still not-quite-fitting-in. still scrambling. still angry and afraid and full of bad things. of course it became my obsession. of course i stopped eating. i had seen, in real time, the exact way it could change my life - simply always be perfect, and things can be easy. people will "overlook" all the other things. i used to have panic attacks at the idea others would see me without makeup - what would they think? even for a simple friend hangout, i'd spend a few hours getting ready. after all, it seemed so obvious to me: these people liked me because i was pretty.

i worry about how much i'm being a bad activist: i understand that "pretty" is determined by white, het, cis, able-bodied hegemonies. if i was really an ally, wouldn't i rally against all of this? recently there's been a "clean girl" trend which copies latinx aesthetics: dark slicked-back hair, hoop earrings. i almost never wear my hair like that; i can hear the middle school guidance counsellor advising me that i might fare better if i toned it down on the culture.

the problem is that i can take pretty on and off. that i have seen how different my life is on a day where i try and a day where i don't. i told my therapist i want to believe the difference is confidence, but it's not. and when you have seen it, you can't unsee it. it lives inside your brain. it rots there; taunting. i get rewarded for following the rules. i am punished for breaking them. end of story.

pretty people can get what they want. pretty people can feel confident without others asking where they got their nerve from. pretty people can be weird and different. pretty people get to have emotions; it's different when they get aggressive, it's pretty when they cry with frustration.

of course people care about this. of course it has crawled into you. of course you want to be seen as attractive. it's not vanity: it's self-preservation.

[cybersteal]

ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕀𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨: 𝕍𝕚𝕔𝕖𝕣𝕠𝕪

Tagged by @dreamskug and subsequently ripped off inspired by his, @lokiina’s, @nightcityace’s & @arcandoria’s creative take on it.

V: Hey, sorry I’m- Interviewer: Late? V: Only by thirty minutes, can't be that big of a deal. Interviewer: Maybe it is-

V: Okay, well, I'm here now, on a Friday night, instead of drinking myself stupid like I wish I was. Go ahead and ask your questions.

ɴɪᴄᴋɴᴀᴍᴇ:

V: V. Interviewer: That’s it? V: Yup.

ɢᴇɴᴅᴇʀ:

V: Male.

ꜱᴛᴀʀ ꜱɪɢɴ:

ʜᴇɪɢʜᴛ:

V: Six feet. Interviewer: Actually? V: Does this look like a face that would lie to you?

ᴏʀɪᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ:

V: You first. Interviewer: Excuse me? V: Hah! Relax, choom, just trying to lighten the mood! Jeez. I’m Pan. Equal opportunity for all. Mostly me.

ɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟɪᴛʏ / ᴇᴛʜɴɪᴄɪᴛʏ:

V: I was born in SoCal, but my parents are both from Mexico. I have a…complicated relationship with my Latino heritage, since it wasn’t really somethin’ that my parents took the time to share with me in detail, or my siblings. Never had the chance to ask why, but after comin’ to Night City, I realized I kinda missed out on a lot growing up.

ᴅᴏɢ ᴏʀ ᴄᴀᴛ ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴ:

V: Well, I have a cat at home. One of those hairless ones. But I did always want a dog. Interviewer: Oh? What kind? V: Xoloitzcuintli.

ꜰᴀᴠᴇ ꜰʀᴜɪᴛ, ꜱᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ, ꜰʟᴏᴡᴇʀ, ꜱᴄᴇɴᴛ:

V: Whoa, whoa, slow down, Jesus. Uhh…first one was-? Interviewer: Fruit. V: Right. I like grapes. The purple ones. Interviewer: Why purple? V: Shit, I dunno. They taste better? Interviewer: Heh. Yeah, fair enough. Season? V: I love summer. Life slows down a little, people take more time to relax. I don’t mind the heat, neither, ‘cause I can just go for a swim whenever, or go for a drive with the windows down. Cools me just fine. Interviewer: Preem. V: I like those orange poppy’s that grow all over the Badlands. California poppy’s I think they’re called.

Interviewer: And for your favorite scent? V: Right – probably amber. I've used the same brand of amber-heavy cologne for years. Oh, and I really like that one specific brand of tobacco my mom smoked. Interviewer: What brand was that? V: Can’t recall. Somethin’ imported.

ᴄᴏꜰꜰᴇᴇ, ᴛᴇᴀ ᴏʀ ʜᴏᴛ ᴄʜᴏᴄᴏʟᴀᴛᴇ:

V: Coffee. Double shot. Sometimes triple, if I’m doin’ a long gig. Interviewer: Christ. V: Hey, merc work ain’t easy. It’s that or synthcoke. Interviewer: I’m scared to ask the next question…

ᴀᴠᴇʀᴀɢᴇ ʜᴏᴜʀꜱ ᴏꜰ ꜱʟᴇᴇᴘ:

V: Yikes…like 5? If I’m lucky. Interviewer: I’m not at all surprised. V: The fuck is that supposed to mean?

ɴᴜᴍʙᴇʀ ᴏꜰ ʙʟᴀɴᴋᴇᴛꜱ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱʟᴇᴇᴘ ᴡɪᴛʜ:

V: No, no. Hold on. I wanna know why you’re not surprised. Do I got bags under my eyes or somethin’? Interviewer: Actually, no. V: Nova. Interviewer: You got suitcases.

V: You’re fine, choom. I appreciate the banter. I don’t need to sleep with any blankets though. Interviewer: Really? Why not?

V: Sub-dermal armor. Got a bunch of other stuff you can’t see as well – keeps me runnin' hot, all the time.

ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍ ᴛʀɪᴘ:

V: Aw, shit. There’s so many places. If I had to pick, I guess…Havana. Interviewer: Cuba. You into history? V: Nah, choom. Beaches.

ꜰᴀᴠᴇ ꜰɪᴄᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ:

V: Mad Max. Interviewer: You don’t think that’s a little…stereotypical? V: Does it look like I care? Me and my sister used to pretend we were members of the MFP and annoy the hell out of our brother. I called him nothin' but Toecutter for two years. He hated it.

ʀᴀɴᴅᴏᴍ ꜰᴀᴄᴛ:

V: If you lick a person’s elbow when they’re not looking, they won’t feel it. Interviewer: …huh. Misty: Oh, V… V: It was the first thing that popped into my head, okay, I panicked-

This was a lot of fun to make tbqh. He's such a gonk - that ADHD brain keeps him moving around and fidgeting 24/7 even without the help of caffeine or stims and boosters, and he can talk about himself for hours, the narcissistic dickhead.

Shoutout to my bestest choombatta @klept0kid you deserve to have your name attached to your masterpiece lmao.

tags: @chooh2 @pinkyjulien @meltingangels @ouroboros-hideout @ne0n-rust @netripper @wilxfyre @klept0kid @glitchinginthegarden @nightcxty @shimmer-like-agirl @noirapocalypto @katsigian @wanderingaldecaldo @cyberpunkaddict @elvenbeard @wraithsoutlaws

[thedemonsurfer]

the frustrating thing about about the Mental Eelness-- ADHD in my case, though I'm dead certain every neurodivergent person out there will have their own similar feelings-- is that I can be as kind and forgiving and understanding of myself as I want... but it doesn't? Change anything?

I can understand that poor time management skills is a result of my brain not being very good at estimating, but I still got fired from two jobs for being late a lot.

I can recognize that I have a hard time regulating my emotions when upset, and I'm trying to get better about putting myself in time out when I recognize what's happening, but there's still a couple of people that I was friends with for nearly a decade that won't talk to me anymore.

I can acknowledge that I have bad object permanence, that executive dysfunction makes starting important tasks feel like trying to climb a sheer wall, that my brain seeks out quick and easy shots of dopamine because it doesn't produce enough of its own-- but that doesn't really change anything.

All the understanding and forgiveness in the world doesn't make low payoff tasks any less painful and difficult than eating glass.

It's great that I know I'm not stupid or a failure, don't get me wrong. Modern society is already an enemy, I don't need to make myself into one more. I'm on medication and I'm old enough to have developed some strategies in the struggle against my own brain. But it's always going to be this difficult.

It's the first day of consciously starting a new habit, only it's every day, over and over. There is no routine that will develop. There is no schedule that I won't have to fight myself to stick to. I'm always going to have to force myself into doing things and then feel bad when I don't make it.

I'm not really going anywhere with this, and I'm definitely not looking for advice or strategies to help. I'm just, y'know. Yelling about it.

And to everyone else out there who has to fight the daily fight against the sack of pudding in their heads or the meat prison they call a body (or both), I'm pouring one out for you.

It fucking sucks, and I wish it didn't.

[nightgoodomens]

He is literally just answering the question. https://twitter.com/thewhitecurl/status/1356323895817760768 It seems like if poly marriage was legalised in the UK, and they got married, people would STILL say they're just giving the fans what they want. That is such a stupid argument in itself, which brings me to another point.

Look at Pedro Pascal and Oscar Isaac as an example. Their fans are perfectly happy with a platonic bromance. Pedro is always hanging out with Oscar and his wife & kids at Oscar's house, or in public. They always seem to be video chatting when they're not together, but there are zero rumours of any romantic or poly situation happening with them. Everyone still thinks they're adorable, enough so that they beat out David and Michael on the DILF list when Pedro isn't even a father. Would we not be equally as happy for DT & MS to have a relationship like theirs? I'm quite sure we would be. The difference is when you look at Pedro and Oscar, you see BFFs. When they are interviewed together that is how they interact. When you look at our boys together, they gaze at each other like they are the only two people in the room/universe. They look like they're restraining themselves from pouncing on each other. Both relationships ARE adorable but they are NOT at all the same thing. I do not understand how these anti people call us delusional for seeing the difference when it is so obvious compared to an actual "just best friends" relationship.

Sorry for the long post. Originally, I only wanted to mention the partner video because I have been watching it on repeat lately. Then my ADHD brain went on a tangent. Also, Thank you for your blog! I live on the other side of the world and it is literally the first thing I read every morning… Sometimes I even check it in the middle of the night if I know it's going to be a big day, haha.

Oh anon you just made a perfect comparison!

Oscar and Pedro… this is how two dumbass besties act 😂 they’re normal about it, they take the piss out of each other, they joke, they take hilarious pics together. They’re normal about it all because it is just a bloody good friendship. There’s nothing to hide or be weird about.

When people always use the argument regarding MS and DT - omg my besties and I act like this too - they mean like Oscar and Pedro.

Not the shit that MS and DT have been pulling from the beginning. I really think that people got so conditioned to the antics they and the partners have been doing that they forgot how it looks when it is just two dudes who are besties. Im just surprised that after all the hard work they’ve put in the last few months people still think this is all basic friends behaviour and nothing is happening. If they don’t want to see it that’s fine but thinking they’re better for not seeing it … it’s quite hilarious.

I barely take notice of antis to be fair. Bunch of twats spending their free time obsessively reading blogs they hate to have meltdowns about it and constantly using words they don’t understand like “sexism” “delusional” or “depraved” and patting each other on the back. Let them swim in their bile of hate, I’d rather spend my time chatting happily about the new things MS/DT did. If I’m depraved for thinking two dudes are in love then no problem!

First thing you read in the morning? At night? Anon you are an angel. I never thought anyone will care what I think 😂 Thank you that actually means a lot 😘

[lefluoritesys]

Deinfluencing DID? Cool

TW: injuries, dissociative seizures, fainting, general health problems, medication, abuse, forced switches, religion, burdning things down, mentions of rape

Our room is a mess, dirty laundry everywhere, clothes are not hanged up and thrown on our bed, we haven’t cleaned our table, and barely ever vacuum or clean anything else. Why? Nobody wants to do it, plus we have ADHD that's interfering eith daily tasks as usual.

Our host forgot to tell our partner system they sprained our wrist. They sprained it January 30th. Told them, by accident, on July 11th.

Speaking of sprained limbs. Our co-host & persecutor-caretaker sprained our foot because they were stupid and weren't looking at where they're going. Resulted in missing a step on the stairs. They got a yelling lecture from our host (very loving lecture), and what did they do? Called the thing we had to wear on our leg "foot prison." Nothing else.

We got sick... I wanna say 2 days ago (memory issues). How did we do that? I don't know. What are we gonna do about it? Idfk, why are you asking me, we have like one medicine we take, but other than that-

Whenever people tell us that we're a minor and shouldn't be researching/reading stuff involving sexual topics, our sexual alters' immediate response to it is "if they wanted us to act like a child, they shouldn't have let us get raped when we were 4."

We suspect we have dissociative seizures. When things around us are overwhelming, we can very well just faint. Still conscious but unable to move or speak. Everything we hear during it will be forgotten. And those of us who are not host and co-host can faint because simply being in the body for too long is overwhelming.

We forget to take our meds that prevent us from fainting fully. Teenage thing, but our blood pressure drops unexpectedly, and we might pass out. Does the threat of literally dropping in the middle of the day, for which we had previously gotten admitted to the hospital, work? No. It's not happening rn, so-

Outer world is being run by 5-6 people (alters) who are not equipped for the outer world shit. Dealing with parents? No. School? So-so. Basic biological needs? Who needs those, am I right? /j

A while ago, we found a spider near our room, and we are all, collectively, terrified of spiders. Who did we push to front to deal with it? Our co-host, who hates/is scared of them more than all of us combined.

We have a factive of our mother in the system who fused with a Ballora fragment. Like, yk, the person who potentially abused us most in our lives is their source. She's currently in inner world therapy and is actively getting better. And we are learning to separate her from her source.

When we first figured out we were a system, our host was so stuck and so determined to find out more about our alters, we had to force switches to happen, and for a while thought we were actually faking. I'm aware that that's exactly what DID/OSDD is supposed to make you feel like, but others literally could not front sometimes without being physically forced out. Moreover, we didn't even know how switches were supposed to feel. Everything felt fake. How did we accept it? Pushed through (quite literally) and focused more on the exciting parts of it, rather than sad.

Speaking of first figuring our about our DID, we filmed many videos of our switches when we felt them coming, and alters introducing themselves via filming. We are now looking at them and both cringing and feeling nostalgic.

We still sometimes want to be a smaller system because it feels like it would have been simpler, and we would love to have all members of the system get along. But we also know our brain created us the way it did for our survival, and our nostalgia about "simpler days when we only knew 4 people" is a romantization. This is the first time we have actually had a semi-stable environment in 2 years.

The only one who celebrates the body's birthday is our host. Everybody else has their own birthdays either from source or made-up. We still celebrate them. Today (September 14th) is, in fact, one of our alters' birthday.

Our host and co-host have a child-parent relationship (respectively). A while ago, they were in co-con, listening to a song. Our co-host was holding our host to their arms in front piggyback style, was hugging them and rocking them back and forth. Why? For comfort. Because they're family.

Are we all collectively doing schoolwork? Nope, lmao. Doesn't work for us like that, we simply don't have memories of most things we studied since like 4th grade, can't get them either. Our host used to do all the schoolwork, but they got so much trauma from school and homework that now our co-host is in charge of it. And only them unless it's Japanese. And even then, it's a big maybe. Nobody wants to, so we created a schedule that works for us and our switches when it comes to studying.

Did I just have to look up where I was going on the metro because I realized I have no memories of it other than autopilot, and I am doubting whether I wanna leave on the right station? Yes. Yes, I did. Am I gonna be fronting when I reach the destination? Nope.

A while ago we burned down an inner world kingdom. Why? Idk, we just didn't like it. Who cares anyway?

One of our prosecutors bought premium on one of the apps we use, and they didn't get in trouble for it only because our host liked it. We're still using it to this day.

We have a system quote book.

Everybody in this system is pagan. I might be the only one not, and even that's a big maybe.

We really wanna watch Elemental but can never get around to it. Also, Nimona, although we have a good reason to postpone watching it.

We haven’t brushed our teeth in 2 weeks. Did yesterday like once. When's gonna be the next time? Who knows? :D Hygiene issues are real.

On Halloween, we're probably gonna watch FNaF Ruin the entire evening-night with our sibling.

Our ex-host is so unhinged that we have to watch them whenever they front like a hawk.

We are not a perfect system. Any blog you see, no matter how real it seems, doesn't reflect day-to-day experiences systems have. Most posts, generally, are made with strong emotions in mind, or for aesthetic purposes, or for venting purposes. I repeat what has been said before a million times: don't trust everything you see on the internet. People are real, but they are not going to let you know anything personal about them.

Honestly? Not sure why I wanted to make this post. Not gonna give you a reason either because I don't know it.

I am currently going to get cocoa and push our co-host to study. Have a good day, y'all. ✌️

-sexual protector

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for kissing my best friend, even without having feelings for her

So I (19m) kissed my best friend (19f) a few years ago and it’s still a major cause of conflict within our friends, anytime it gets mentioned.

For context: when I was 16 I met this girl (who even now I have to admit) I fell head over heels for. We came from two completely different backgrounds and were polar opposites on the outside but idk something about us just clicked. However we were 16 and stupid and really still kids. As much as we cared about each other we fought ALOT. She had this need to be perfect (her parents are the worst and put wayyyyyy too much on her) and I was undiagnosed with adhd which in the past has lead me to do some pretty stupid things impulsively . This included.

I constantly was fighting for this girls attention, even after we had started dating. It seemed like to me back then she cared about everything more then me, so I’d do stupid things to get her attention because I thought that fighting with her at least meant I had her attention. Dumb I know, I can see how stupid that was.

Anyways we had a bigger fight then normal but there was a class trip going on (my gf and best friend went I didn’t) so it gave us enough time to cool off. When I saw them next, my gf ran up to me and hugged me saying she’d missed me. I had missed her too, but then she instantly went back to obsessing over school work and shit. Ignoring me.

That’s when I did something stupid. I kissed my best friend. I knew she’d started to develop feelings for me sometime around after her and her bf had broken up (they broke up because he was insanely jealous of our friendship) and I kinda took advantage of that and when she tried to kiss when we were alone. I didn’t stop her . See I knew my gf and her NEVER got along, like hated each other. And I for a split second I thought to myself how this would get her attention on me again. I pulled away once my brain actually caught up to what was happening and I made her keep it a secret.

Nether the less a boy in our class had spotted us and a few days later told my gf in front of EVERYONE.

She was broken hearted and I felt shit. It was like a part of me died seeing her face when she heard. I had completely betrayed her and we were both devastated. But that’s not even the worst part. (Unknown by me) her and my best friend had been assigned to the same group on the class trip, and had become friends.

She kissed me right after becoming friends with my gf.

Anyways we broke up. Which I completely understand, she deserves better then me, I always knew that. Her dad always knew that and I just don’t understand how’s she ever loved me to begin with. I’ll never stop regretting what happened.

But even know 3 YEARS later it’s tearing up our friend group anytime someone mentions it. I’m still friends with this girl ( I actually dated her for a little while to try and save face but we ended up breaking up because she knew I still loved my ex)

Am I the asshole for just wishing we could all leave this in the past? Like I know it was a horrid thing but it’s been 3 years and I don’t think it should still be causing as much conflict as it is

What are these acronyms?

[rustic-space-fiddle]

Lil rant (MAYBE PJATO SHOW SPOILERS?)

Lots of opinions up ahead so uh, look out.

I’m watching the PJATO show and I really love some parts. The casting—they’re all wonderful (literally everyone, Mr D is hilarious) and any fears I had have been quelled because they’re all amazing and the trio fit their characters well (even IRL and they’re so precious). Camp Half Blood — so well done. The cabins are huge, the colosseum is just what I imagined, and they really did great on making it properly large and vibrant. I love it. Some of the extra beats they’ve added to make it better expanded beyond the strictly Percy POV in the book have been good. Annabeth and Grover chucking Percy into a fountain to try to heal him was hilarious and totally in character—probably my favorite part so far. Also: AHHHH SEAWEED BRAIN!

But is anyone just feeling… like the pacing is super slow? Like I get that us “zoomers” have tiny attention spans and stuff but “The Horse and His Boy” was my favorite Narnia book and I read LOTR when I was 11 so I don’t think my attention span is quite so bad. These kids got ADHD and it feels like every talk and every scene just drags. Every time I think the energy is gonna rise, it gets smacked back down by lackluster scene climaxes. Again, I’m not trying to say we need more explosions or booms or arguments, just that I]it isn’t even remotely eliciting the same kind of goose-pimple/heart thumping moments I remember from the books. I reread them constantly and it’s always thrilling.

And the music… someone I was watching it with said it sounded like generic Marvel music, and they’re kinda right. I can’t remember a single note from the score at all, and I’m always listening to movie/TV scores because they’re like listening to the story in music format! PJATO’s score though? Can’t even remember it. I can’t remember any of it even being used in certain places. I thought they’d try to get older instrumentals to make it unique, like lyre AND electric guitar in the mix, but honestly I can’t even remember what it sounds like. That’s bad, right?

[[EDIT: I just looked up the score on Spotify and it was literally made by the people who did the “God of War” game score. There’s no freakin way this music is bad. I’m gonna listen to it alone later. Maybe it’s just set really low in the mix… ]]

The “death” of Sally Jackson was so lackluster. Just a standard medium long shot, can’t even remember if the music flourished or dropped or anything. Their acting was great, but it was framed so poorly that it just felt… idk…

The pacing feels like it’s something I would do as an amateur who doesn’t yet understand how to edit on my first few write-up’s of a script. I’m not trying to be mean or unfair because I REALLY wanna love this show and I genuinely love a lot of stuff about it and I can tell that so many people are working so hard on it, but holy moly I feel my brain begging for someone to do something impertinent and just slap the show into a roll whenever I’m watching it.

There’s another issue I have with the timing of the most recent episode but I don’t wanna go much further.

Again, this is all opinion and not meant to say anyone shouldn’t like the show or that the people in it are stupid because they aren’t at all and people should like it! I’m just saying that as someone that really appreciated the pacing of the books (that was quick but never sacrificed the storytelling and slowed down when it needed to), I am really feeling that this show isnt shaping up like that. Additional note: I’m not even saying that the pacing of the show needs to BE the pacing of the books. I’m just saying that the pacing of the books is one of the things that made it so good and I really haven’t read many things with pacing of that quality.

Aaaanyway feel free to disagree with me or roast me alive. I just haven’t seen anyone talking about it and I wanted to rant a little and see what other people thought. I’m still gonna keep watching because I think if they can fix the pacing, imma really freaking enjoy this and in case they do, I don’t wanna miss it. And because I’d rather have more PJATO show than less!

[uncaught-coolfish]

Penny rant

(+ruby)

RWDE below. Don’t like unedited criticism of your show from someone who’s been offended by it, don’t read.

Trigger warnings for ableism and Mentions of Suicide.

I would like to begin this rant by saying that around the start of 2020, I found out that I had Tourette’s Syndrome. Long before then I was diagnosed with ADHD, but when I found out I had Tourette’s… safe to say, It made me feel much more different about myself.

The disability had always been something made to sound awful. It was the “You’ll blurt out bad words at the worst time” disability, when it really… isn’t. It’s a lot more than that, but at that time, when 2020 was an already fucked year for all the obvious reasons, I felt bad about myself.

I felt bad because this whole time, I had something in my brain that I knew was going to absolutely wreck my future experiences. With it, my anxiety got worse, and that’s something I still struggle dealing with.

But also around that time, the seventh volume of a certain show was coming out: that show, RW//BY.

I’m not going to talk specifically about V7 in itself, but I will talk about one very important part of it:

Penny was back.

Since her debut, Penny Polendina was easily one of my favorite characters, if not my favorite in the whole cast. In a cast of already colorful characters, she was the one I arguably related to the most. She was this sweet, fun ray of sunshine who… was also a robot. And it was expressed to us early on that it was something she felt slightly insecure about.

And to note, Penny has almost always been a character people have coded as disabled, that sentiment being even more prevalent in her return. Namely, she was coded as autistic for many.

And when Penny spoke to Ruby about her being an android, I… remembered the first time, coming to telling the friends I’d known for years that I had Tourette’s. Just like this fictional character, I was worried they’d start treating me differently because of my disability, or if they’d just… outright leave me.

But Ruby didn’t treat Penny any less, robot or not. Because the thing that mattered most was her heart, and no matter if she was a robot, she was still a real girl.

…Yeah. Safe to say, that kind of message hit me hard. So when she came back in V7, after such a heartbreaking death in V8… I was very happy :) (me when I’m putting it lightly)

PENNY! WAS! BACK! And honestly, in V7 I think she was handled better than I’d expect. Where V7 had problems, I don’t find myself thinking Penny was one of them.

Hell, she became a maiden! Even furthering that she was a real girl, no matter what. And like I said before, at the time this came out, I really needed something like that.

But then there was V8. V8 began at near the end of 2020, and…

I’m going to say it.

This volume is genuinely one of the most cuntshit garbage things I’ve ever seen in any show. And I mean that with all the frustration, anger and disgust I can.

Because do you remember when I said, Ruby reassuring Penny of her still being a real girl was something I seriously needed at the time of watching this show? Because of how much it reminded me of my own experiences with my own disability?

Volume 8 essentially told me my disability was a curse. It made me less human. And my friends saw me as nothing more than that disability, nothing more than that curse.

Forgive me if I’m being hyperbolic. Forgive me if I’m being a whiny bitch about a stupid fucking dogshit fictional show made by the transphobic racist and ableist fuckers you lick the disgusting boots of.

In an already horrifically ableist volume, Penny was forcefully converted into becoming human. They had that part of her so many people including myself saw as her disability stripped out of her without her consent, to let it die before our eyes. 

Even framing it as the “worse” version of her. Her inferior, inhuman self.

And then, they had her stand barefoot and gloveless to show she was “finally a real girl”, and then at the last episode of this volume they had her be assisted in killing herself.

Remember how I mentioned how anxious I was about telling my friends about my Tourette’s? How I worried they’d see me differently, or stop talking to me altogether?

But how this show’s portrayal of a similar situation, to me, helped calm me?

Never said the ending of that story, did I? Because there wasn’t one. My fears were right, because half of my friends whom I’d known for years all but left me the instant they learned I had Tourette’s.

And then I watched as Ruby, the same girl who told the character I related to the most that she was a real girl despite her artificiality volumes ago, force Penny into becoming a human without her consent?

Yeah. You know the message I got at that time from that? 

That my friends would accept me better if I just got rid of my disability. That I just wasn’t me enough because of it.

And then they killed her. They killed Penny for good, and by that, I mean they had her commit assisted suicide. All so a white, rich cop princess could get her powers.

Yeah. That’s fucking fun. I love this. I hope whoever wrote that garbage never comes into contact with a real disabled person in their life, genuinely. Again, sorry if I’m being pissy. I’m not whole enough either, apparently.

And then came V9. I’d consider 2023 to be one of the lowest points of my life. I feel less in control of myself. My anxiety is through the roof. I’m irritated and distracted by the slightest sound or movement. I’m worried I’m losing more friends, if I’m embarrassing myself, and I just feel like I can’t do anything right anymore.

That I’m not me anymore.

And in V9, there was a fictional character who i… again, found myself relating to.

And that was Ruby.

Ruby in this volume is a character who i related to a lot, just as I did Penny. She was struggling with similar things I was, and am, currently struggling with.

And just like me, her emotions and feelings and struggles were being all but ignored by the friends around her, until they finally burst out. Ruby’s breakdown in Episode 7 was, in a funny way, cathartic to me, because the amount of times I’d break down in a similar way… I probably couldn’t count. I thought this show would never let a character’s emotions come out in a way that wasn’t meekness or quiet crying, but here I was, watching Ruby fucking Rose rightfully call out the friends, her older friends, who had all but ignored her this entire time.

And like… Yeah. Let her fucking bake, dude.

And then episode 8 happened and I watched that character I related to the most at a time when my mental health was at its absolute worst be beaten down to a pulp and then kill herself on screen.

If you come complaining to me “it was medicine”, “it was therapy”, take this as a note: Fuck off. Maybe that’s mean, but… fuck off. Because they sure as hell didn’t make it seem like it, and I’m not buying it one fucking bit.

The main character of this show finally gets to express her emotional state in a way that’s not palatable, that’s almost real, and how is she rewarded the episode after? How dare she have those feelings, Ruby is beaten down again and again and again and watches the one companion she still has get crushed beneath her tormentor’s shoe.

And what do her friends, including her sister, do? What do they do when they see their youngest friend, their teammate and leader, the one who’s inspired one, partnered another, and been the little sister to?

Fucking. Jack. Shit. They don’t do a single fucking thing but stand. Tell me it’s them in shock, I fucking dare you.

They watched their friend take her own life after being beaten and beaten and beaten and the next episode they’re all hugging and smiling. So fun. So fucking fun.

So fucking fun they pulled this shit and still had the gall to say you are enough.

Maybe I am. Maybe I am enough. Oh wait, I’m disabled. I’ve got Tourette’s and ADHD. That’s my bad. I’m not enough, actually. I need to have those parts of me ripped out of my brain so then people will accept me.

Then I’ll be a real girl.

So. Fucking. Fun. 

You can like RW//BY. Hell, I do. I really do. I wouldn’t dedicate my blog to talking about it if I just hated it. There’s still so much I do like about this show, and it’s inspired me in dozens of ways creatively. 

But to me, it ends there. I like RW//BY. But RW//BY is not a good show.

And that’s not because of some vision not being followed. Not because of some ship becoming canon or not canon. Not due to some “wasted potential”, “unresolved arcs”, “unlikable characters.”

RW//BY will never be a good show in my eyes, in the eyes of an actually disabled girl, because of it’s continued failure to address real, serious topics.

Whether it be racism, abuse, mental health or disability.

And no matter what take I read, what someone tells me, and no matter what this show as it’s own will try and try and fail and fail to get me to realize, that won’t change.

Maybe my feelings are wrong. Maybe they’re not palatable enough, and this is all just some inarticulated horseshit im spewing through the text.

That’s fine. That’s okay.

I can’t really bring myself to care anymore.

[larry-22-blog]

Period Complications 5 x ADHD

Hi guys, thank you for all your feedback regarding the series, I hope you enjoy this one too, as always please add your input in, I love to read your comments and messages.

I try to take all the suggestions and include them in the story.

"I'm just so fucking angry! Why is it not fucking working!" I exclaimed in frustration trying to fix the bugs in my code, but I swear each time I fix one, another one just pops around the corner!

I hate this shit!

Who's idea was it to study Computer Science?!

It's bullshit!

I would be better off studying-- screw that! I would be better off not studying anything at fucking all!

I should have become a stripper or something! Would probably make more money selling feet pics to crazy people online than in this shit hole!

"You've got pretty feet… But they are for my eyes only" Erling chuckled from where he was leaning on the doorway, looking at me with his too-damn pretty face.

He's also not wearing a shirt.

Just some shorts. Some short shorts.

And he's sweaty and ---

Seriously why is he so damn hot all the fucking time?

"Awww thanks, babe!" He cheerfully said fist bumping into the air before moving towards me.

"Nope, out! Erling Braut Haland!" I said, trying to make him leave.

He shouldn't see me like this.

I don't want him to see what a mess I am.

Especially under stress.

"You're such a beautiful mess though, baby!" He exclaimed slowly coming closer to my desk, well, his desk. Since it's his house.

I just tried to kick the guy out of his own house.

"What's mine is yours, love, you know it!" He leaned forward from the other side of the desk, head resting on his arm as he watched me with a big smile on his face.

"Seriously what are you? Can you read minds?!" I asked frowning.

"Nah, you just tend to speak out loud when stressed or under pressure. It's cute. I find it quite endearing." He leaned and kissed the tip of my nose.

"Oh, oops!" I felt myself blushing.

"It's super entertaining too! Your mind is very funny, you go from one thing to another then back to the other thing and so on!" He chuckled, taking one of my trembling hands in his much bigger one and kissing the back of it.

"I can't help it… It's my ADHD brain going at 500km/h on a countryside road…" I sighed.

I hate the way my brain works sometimes.

Some other times I like it, makes me feel different but most of the time it's just frustrating and hard.

I feel so stupid most of the time, always thinking differently, always taking the long way around.

I just want a break from all the stress and pressure sometimes.

"Baby how can you say that, you're so smart, the smartest person I know, the most hard-working and selfless" he moved from where he was leaning over and came around the desk to where I was.

"I just feel like I have to work so much to make up for all these bullshit issues…" I feel tears filling my eyes.

"Baby…" he pulled me to his chest, hugging me tight as he leaned down so I could put my arms around his neck.

"Sorry, I'm all sweaty… I probably stink too" he said in my hair, kissing the top of my head.

"I love your scent," I said against his neck, on my tippy toes, hugging him tighter.

"You're something else baby" he chuckled.

"What do you say about a shower and then some comfy clothes, sneaks and Netflix and chill in our bed?" He proposed his accent peaking through quite a bit.

It's something that happens when he's tired or misses home or his family.

"Sounds like a plan, add some tea to the list and we are good to go," I said, kissing the top of his left pec as I moved away.

I let out an embarrassing loud squeal when he lifted me up and began carrying me upstairs.

"ERLING!! You have to stop carrying me around all the time!" I blushed into his neck.

This man is something else.

"Why? I quite enjoy it, no shush, go get the shower ready, I'll be back in a min with some clothes for us" he put me down in front of the shower and left running back to our room. I could hear him going through the drawers in the walk-in closet of the ensuite, smiling to myself as I started the water, making sure it was the perfect temperature as I undressed and stepped in.

I washed my body and was in the middle of washing my hair when I feel arms around my middle, pulling me back so our bodies are touching.

"I wanted to wash you!" He pouted, looking too cute for his own good.

"You can still wash me, come on, I'll wash you" I proposed, getting the soapy bath fluff nice and bubbly as I proceeded to press it on Erling's chest, washing his toned body. His chest, his arms, his back…

"You've got such an amazing butt… It's unfair!" I could not help myself so I squeezed it, loving how muscular and nice it feels. It looked so good all soapy.

"Hey! Hands of the merchandise!" He joked and I have him a playful slap on the right cheek as I moved back up, trying to get him to lean down to get a kiss.

"No kisses for you, you've been too naughty," he said, straightening his back so he put even more distance between us, smirking down at me.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to continue to wash myself then… Alone" I purposely turned my back to him, bending down to get my favourite shower gel and then proceed to wash my body, soaping up my chest and then looking up to see his reaction.

Well, I could have looked down also, there was definitely a reaction there too.

"Baby!! Those are mine too!" He exclaimed, moving his big hands on my chest, squeezing both my boobs, making me moan as he touched my sensitive nipples.

"Fucking hell, Erling!" I moaned as he moved behind me, pressing his front into my back, not letting go of my boobs as he played with my nipples.

"Love how sensitive they are, how sensitive you are…" he kissed my neck, holding me close as he played with my boobs. I could feel him pulsing against my back, he was hard. And so fucking big.

Everything about this guy is huge. Of course, his dick was also fucking huge.

I blushed at the thought.

"Erling please…" I begged.

I don't even know what I was asking. What did I want?

I just wanted him.

"Baby, slow down, we got all day" he chuckled.

"I want you inside me" I turned around pulling him down so we could kiss.

"No way in hell! Not going to happen on my watch!" He broke our kiss, putting some space between us and I looked confused up at him.

I couldn't help but feel insecure and rejected.

"You don't want to? With me?" I asked, looking sadly up at him.

"Of course I fucking want it! I love you, I desire you, can't you see how much you turn me on? I swear I'm always hard around you!" He groaned, using his hand to release some pressure on his very much still rock-hard cock.

I blushed, looking away.

"Then? Why do you keep rejecting me…" I whispered, looking up at him, into his lovely green eyes.

I love his eyes. They are such a complex colour, I swear they constantly change, depending on his mood.

"I'm not rejecting you, baby, I just don't want it to happen like this, it's your first time! It's supposed to be special, perfect! Not a fucking quickie in the shower!" He explained passionately.

I love how passionate this guy is about everything he does, and everything he loves.

I especially love it when I see him so passionate about me.

My man.

"I love you Erling. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me, always. Thank you for being you." I said hugging him.

"It's going to be perfect and special no matter what because it's you," I admitted, kissing his chest, right where his heart is beating so strongly.

"You're the same to me, we're perfect for each other, soulmate and all." He whispered, tightening his arms around me and kissing my forehead.

"Now, let's finish here," he said, starting the water again.

We quickly washed ourselves this time, to avoid distractions.

Erling finished quicker, he got out first, getting towels for both of us, before starting to dry himself.

He was a sight.

In all his naked glory.

His body was art.

"Take a picture, it lasts longer" he commented, not even turning around from where his muscular back is facing me.

I blush for the tenth time today.

Seriously what is his secret? Does he have superpowers?

How the hell did he see me?

"I have to be very aware of my surroundings baby, I'm a footballer, remember" he joked.

"I don't think I could ever forget you in your Manchester city home equipped even if I try. Wet dream material." I admitted, getting out of the shower and shivering because of the temperature change.

He immediately helped me, putting the big towel around me and a smaller one on my head.

"Awww thanks baby, glad to know you get off on me wearing the blue kit, got to wear it more often," he said, his cheeks a bit pink too.

"Or just don't wear anything, that would work too, for getting me off" I suggested, playfully.

"Oh shush it you, you would constantly blush whenever you see me partially baked! You would not resist me being naked around you!" Erling said while drying my hair carefully.

"No, I don't!" I slap at his arm.

Ok, maybe I'm a bit intimidated by him, especially naked. But like who isn't? Have you seen him?

He's a fucking God. A Nordic God.

"I love it when you do that anyways, don't worry. I find it very cute, the way you react around me" he admitted.

"Shut up" put the other towel on top of his head, pouting.

"Awww my little angry kitty," he said, leaning down to kiss all over my face, as I tried to stop him, giggling.

We ended up using the same drier for drying our hair, I let him have a go first Erling while doing my night routine then took it after he finished while he was doing his own night routine. Much simpler than mine.

"Let's get in bed!!" He suddenly said, lifting me up and walking out of the bathroom, ignoring my protests.

"Erling!!!"

"I prepared you some clothes" he gestured to the pile of clothes on the bed, one of his kit light blue shirts, which was a dress for me and a pair of short white yoga pants, together with some fluffy blue socks and for him just some white boxes.

"You're basically naked" I comment, dressing myself in his shirt, loving how big it feels on me, then going to the closet to get some panties, deciding on some white ones.

"Very nice sight baby" he commented from the bed as he looked at me since I left the door of the closet open. I was bent down to pick the panties and of course, he was watching.

I blushed and immediately pulled the shirt down to cover myself.

"Perv!" I walked back to the room, closed the window shades and joined him on the bed.

"Oh God, this bed is like heaven…" I moaned as my back hit the soft material of the sheets, pulling the covers over me as I moved closer to Erling, searching for his warmth.

I moved my freezing feet under his shins and I put my hands on his abs to warm them "Nooo, you ice cube! How are you so cold?!" He shivered but hugged me closer.

"I don't know… I'm always cold, but you're hot" I whispered, hiding my face in his chest.

"Even your nose is cold" he giggled.

"What should we watch?" He asked, scrolling through the Netflix recommendations.

"Something with Vikings" I joked, almost asleep. He was just so warm and comfy.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me!" He nudged me, kissing my hair.

"But I'm sleepy…" I complained, trying to get even closer to him, pulling my covers over my head to hide.

"It's so early thought, what are you, a chicken?" He giggled pulling the covers down.

"I'm an old lady, let me have some peace. You'll understand when you get to my age" I pouted.

"Your age, baby you're 3 years older than me that's no old" he laughed and started tickling me.

Did I mention I'm very, very ticklish?

I absolutely hate being tickled.

"Erling!!!!!!" I squealed, but he was having none of it.

By the time our tickling fight was done, I was trying to catch my breath, my face was covered in tears from how hard I was laughing, while he was laughing his ass off at me.

"Awww baby I made you cry, come here" before I could react he moved around, hovering over me, not putting all of his weight on me, as he used his arms to support himself but still. He was so fucking heavy!

"Nooo! Get off me you giant! I can't breathe!" I groaned, trying to shove him off, "Aww baby, I made you breathless too, am I this pretty?" He playfully spoke, trying to sound like a girl, flipping his long blonde hair.

"You are actually, the prettiest girl out there" I kissed his nose, moving one of my arms around him while I used my other to run my fingers through his soft hair.

"Hey!!" He playfully protested, but I kissed his pout away, making us both smile dumbly at each other after.

"I love moments as these" I looked into his eyes.

"Me too" he kissed me.

We sat like that for a while, just looking into each other's eyes, smiling and kissing until Erling spoke "Let's go eat something, I'm so hungry"

"You and your appetite, baby, don't know how you can eat so much and be this fit, it shouldn't be possible" I admitted, admiring his body once again as he got up from the bed.

"I'm a Viking baby, we are not normal people" he offered his hand to help me get up but I just rolled over on his side of the bed, pulling the covers over me as I hugged his pillow. I changed the sheets this morning and he barely sat on the bed since then, but I swear it has his scent.

I love his scent with a passion.

"Stop smelling my pillow, I'm getting a bit jealous over here! Plus, you could have the real thing…" he smirked, pulling the covers from around me and pulling me up.

"You can be a brute sometimes, Erling Haland" I sighed, following him out of the room, well not that I had much of a choice since he was holding my hand, basically pulling me.

"Only for you baby" he lifted me up on the island-like counter when we arrived downstairs into the kitchen, kissing my nose and then proceeding to take half of the fridge out to eat.

"You're something else, Erling, I swear…"

Note:

Thank you for reading, if you liked the story/series here is a way to support me:

[adhd-languages]

how do you actually like. learn languages with adhd? like in terms of "how do you stay focused" and "how do you stay invested/motivated for extended periods of time" and "how do you actually like. sit down to do* a study session?"

i know that immersion's good and all, but i find it really hard to just. sit there and watch [language] content when there's so much other stuff in my native language that's so much better and understandable.

with talking to ppl, i always feel like i gotta know enough to have a conversation in order to have a conversation, y'know? so i never end up having any conversations lol

when i've tried learning languages before i've almost always lost interest in it after a few weeks, and that kinda sucks. esp because half the time my interest shifts to a different language lmao

so yeah. advice?

*"to sit down to do" is a curious construction in my ideolect that means like. "to try to start doing"? it doesn't nesesserily mean physically sitting down, but does come from when i sit down to do maths homework or whatever and then actually start it two hours later, y'know? having the distinction between that and "to start" is useful lol

Immersion is really tough -- it's hard to feel invested in plot and characters if you hardly understand what people are saying...so here's a secret. Rewatch a show you love in English, in your target language dub. I'm listening to a fandub of "Welcome to Night Vale". It's really fun for me. I know that people go on about how it's better to learn from Original Native Content, but anything that keeps your interest is always better than nothing. And besides, there's a lot you can notice about the way they chose to translate things - it's fascinating!

Here's my super embarrassing language advice - I just daydream in Spanish. And a lot of the time, the spark of motivation to figure out a new bit of sentence structure is just me trying to figure out how to say a sentence in my internal monologue. I got hyperfixated on languages and sprinkled multilingualism into my mind soup. It sticks with me better when I learn grammar because I want to use it, rather than just sitting down to try and study something that's completely abstract. This actually works from pretty much any level. I think the sooner you use your target language like your native one, the better. Not sure if this would help but it might?

It's ok to learn in bursts. It's supposed to be fun, and a hobby. It's worth trying to fit your target language into your daily routine. I am a Duolingo guy, and I know it's not the best way to learn, but doing a little lesson everyday to keep up my stupid little streak can jumpstart me into studying properly. Or at least have me do a little bit of practice if nothing else, remind my brain that these languages exist, yknow.

Also, I have gained and lost interest in a LOT of languages - Korean, Swedish, Toki Poni, Dutch, I've gone on and off with Japanese a few times, and so many languages I just tried to learn for one day. And that's okay too! You don't need to become fluent just to enjoy learning a little bit about a language. :-)

I hope at least one part of this was helpful? I'm going to be honest, I wasn't sure how to answer this ask because even though you would assume it with me running a language blog and all, I'm not always a great student. At all. The amount I'm studying fluctuates a lot, and it's just something I've accepted. There's no rush, so just do whatever works for you, even if it's not "the most effective" way of doing it. Everything is progress, anyhow.

(also, the "sit down to do" thing makes perfect sense to me. And for the conversations thing.... yeah, I don't talk to people much either. I'm shy. So, I'm not sure how to help with that one.)

[batmanrogues-scenarios]

Your blog is very interesting, keep up the good work! Also is it ok if you do riddler, scarecrow, and mad hatter (seperately) who has a childhood friend who protects them cuz they have high morals and "a true hero never leaves the helpless behind." Quote they just made.

S/o has adhd (like me) so despite they're not as smart as them, they would praise them and even their inventions cuz they think it's cool. Their s/o wanted to be a hero growing up despite it sound ridiculous but that doesn't stop them from achieving their dream.

Then they all grown up and they became a villain while s/o became a new hero in gotham city and sometimes team up with batman cuz they think his cool. So what happens if they realize it's their childhood friend due to their attitude, having difficulty on solving things that only they could understand, and their cheerful, silly yet strong hearted nature. It's ok if you don't want to.

Aww, it's so sad. I honesty love this trope. Also S/O means Significant Other so I'm not sure if you wants platonic or not. I'll try to make it so you can read it either way.

Scarecrow

They were only good thing about his childhood, he hung out with them when he could.

He wanted to learn more about their ADHD, it fascinated him how it effects Y/N.

It might be partly why he got into psychology.

Their cheerful attitude make him smile after great granny punished him.

Still doesn't think they would go far with this ideology, especially the more he grown up and saw more.

Still couldn't help missing them.

And the fact that new hero acted like them really played tricks with his brain. Especially since he thought they were too familiar.

Couldn't believe it was them.

Ha. Of course they would end up on opposite sides.

He will give them a chance to back away. For the old times sake.

Unburied! Riddler

Ah, sweet Y/N. He always remembers them fondly.

They were only ones to listen to his ramblings. They pulled pranks on his bullies life was good.

He thinks their ideology wasn't really working but he wouldn't say bad things about them.

When the new hero showed he thought they were similar to his old friend so he got soft spot for them. Then he realized they were TOO similar.

Basically stalks them and get's every info he can get and soon he figures it out.

Isn't sure how to react. Decides to meet them face to face to say hi.

"It's kinda awkward isn't it?"

Would let them win from time to time.

While he doesn't like them fighting him he can see it being a game.

Arkham! Anarky

They were probably reason why he started the whole Anarky thing.

He looked up to them, would like to be hero with them. They could be partners.

Y/N was angel in his eyes.

When he saw hero acting like them it make him interested, he must have work with them.

He suspected who they might be but he only got confirmation once they called him his old nickname.

So happy! They can finally be partners just how they wanted to be-

.... what do they mean by, no?

Why? He make sure that scums of Gotham will be dealt with. He does the same thing as they. Why they don't see it?!

TWOJAR! Kiteman

Always thought they were better than him.

Looked at to them, might even learned to get up again again because of Y/N.

He recognised their attitude when they showed up as hero but he pushed the thought beside thinking it's stupid.

But then it's turn out he was right.

It's a shame they have to see him in that state.

"... hey Y/N. I knew you were always better"

[inkskinned]

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.