#suicidal idealization

[spookymultimedia]

I've grown tired of this body Cumbersome and heavy body I've grown tired of this body Fall apart without me body

[kazimakuwabara]

Demon!Kuwabara needs some therapy, and Human!Hiei has learned a little something tragic about the weird demon who sleeps in the tub sometimes. But found family (and THERAPY) are gonna help Demon!Kuwabara eventually.

[lil-miss-pitiful]

I feel like I’m passed the point of self harm

Been there, done that, stopped it…

Like can I just skip it this time? Ugh.

Let’s just get to the part where I overdose on pills, please

[incorrect-web-novels]

"Your Highness, let me..." "Be quiet." I knew what Eleris was trying to do. I knew what she wanted. "Do not search for the tomb in front of me." It was obvious what Eleris wanted. I couldn't just let her die like that. Though she wasn't my real mother. Since I arrived in this world, Eleris had always been like a mother to me. Even if the plan failed. Even if the wind collapsed. Even if I opened the door to destruction with my own hands. I have no intention of letting her find peace in death. She must live a little longer.

- The Demon Prince Goes to the Academy, Chapter 449

😢

[xan-the-emo-trans-man]

”where do you see yourself in five years?”

dead tf

[anarchiekat]

Ghost

I hate the world for taking you away from me. You died a while back, but your memories still haunt me to this day. I still remember small details, details that even you did not care to admit. I told you multiple times how much I loved you, how much of my heart and soul I would give to you. Yet, you were high, just as high as me. You brushed it off like dust on your shoulder. We lived in a dream…

[imsosocold]

Why Junko first appealed to me all that time ago was that I saw her as the manifestation of the emotions you feel before you attempt suicide. There's the lows and highs and desperation and sorrow and manicness and just the overall feeling of wanting to destroy everything in your path and then yourself.

I don’t feel like that now but I still understand the draw.

[shadowtraveled]

"mithrun is the only real monsterfucker in dungeon meshi" is objectively the funniest bit you can get out of his everything, but in all seriousness i think his attraction to his love interest is deliberately overstated—and that makes sense, because romantic jealousy is a classic and digestible motive, which is explicitly what kabru was aiming for in condensing mithrun's backstory, and also because until chapter 94, mithrun wasn't willing to admit to the true nature of his desires.

but because romantic envy is both classic and digestible, it probably isn’t a unique enough or complicated enough desire to tempt a demon’s appetite. mithrun’s wish, as far as we can figure from kabru’s reduced retelling, was to have a life in which he had never become one of the canaries, and that carries like 3857 implications and desires within it. that’s delicious. his love interest acts as sort of a red herring to his motivation for making it, though. (side note: i'm saying "love interest" here because, keeping in mind that i barely speak japanese on a good day anymore, "想い人" is something i'd usually take as just kind of an old-fashioned and romantic way to refer to a lover, but in context i wonder if both the connotation of yearning and the vagueness are intentional, and i think this phrasing gets those aspects of it more effectively. anyway.)

mithrun considered his love interest to be untrustworthy. there was a minute where i thought that comment might be about a similar-looking elf (yugin, one of his squad members), but comparing the two…

the "sketchy" arrow is definitely referring to the elf we know as his love interest—the bangs go toward her right, she only has the one forehead ornament, and, most notably, her ears aren't notched.

every time she’s given a full-body depiction in his dungeon, she’s drawn as a chimera, with the body of a snake from the waist down. (side note: the “what if a dungeon has chimeras before reaching level 4?”/“then the dungeon lord is unstable” exchange just being mithrun grilling his past self alive is so funny. he’s so. but anyway) there are a couple things about this.

first, the snake part of the chimera appears to be modeled after some species of coral snake mimic

which, in the biology-for-fun manga, i… doubt is a coincidence, especially with the added context of the “untrustworthy” comment. the dungeon’s conjured illusion of mithrun’s love interest was a harmless copycat of a venomous original. for whatever reason, he felt this person was a threat and made up a "safe" version of her to be in a relationship with, and while it’s definitely possible to be attracted to or even love someone you find to be toxic and/or intimidating, when you take that into consideration alongside the configuration of her body, you get some interesting implications.

which brings us to our second point: if we assume that mithrun was not in fact fucking a snake, then sexual attraction, at least, was so far removed from his idea of a relationship with this person that he did not even bother to keep her dungeon copy human enough to maintain the illusion of the option of a sexual relationship. this is somewhat echoed in the depictions of their interactions, which also imply a frankly unexpected romantic distance. she kisses his cheek and he doesn't seem to react; she's at the edge of a narrow bed with only one set of pillows, on top of his blankets while he's underneath them.

the kiss is particularly interesting because it seems to contrast the text. kabru's narration tells us this was everything mithrun could have asked for, but mithrun is there looking unreadable to pensive, likely because this is right before the panel that makes it clear things in the dungeon are beginning to go wrong.

walking through this backwards for a minute, we have the physical barrier of his bedding and the spatial separation inherent in a bed made for one person, the emotional barrier of his mounting anxiety getting in the way of his ability to enjoy the affection he sought, and... the snake, which historically carries the connotation of temptation, yes, but also mistrust, barring physical intimacy. okay. ok. if a dungeon reflects the mentality of its lord, all of this might suggest that mithrun was not able to have any real desire for a relationship with this person. his unwillingness to be vulnerable or let another person in was insurmountable. but in that case, why was she such a focal point that she remained to the end, after his dungeon had stopped creating iterations of his friends to come and visit him? why would he get so upset over her meeting with his brother that he became lord of a dungeon about it?

well. mithrun's brother was also interested in her, probably genuinely. and mithrun had to win.

you have an older brother who your parents completely ignore, probably in part because he is chronically ill/disabled and almost definitely in part because he received a ton of recessive traits that resulted in rumors that he was an illegitimate child. you are aware, most likely because those same parents fucking told you, that you actually are an illegitimate child. but they keep you around because you had the good fortune of looking just like your mother. what can that possibly teach you but that you, like your brother, are disposable?

it's utterly unsurprising that mithrun, under these circumstances, developed a pathological need to be better than everyone around him. people don't keep you otherwise. i'd argue this is also why he says he looked down on everyone he knew while milsiril claims his dungeon reeked of feelings of inferiority—he sought out people's worst traits and prioritized them in his mind to protect his already extremely fragile sense of self-worth, and all the while he tried to be as likable and high-performing as he possibly could be. his parents disposed of him anyway, but even then he tried to keep up the performance. he was kind to everyone. he never once lost to a dungeon.

when he saw his "love interest" meeting up with his brother, what he saw was himself being replaced by a person his parents had always treated as worthless, and if that was what they thought of the child they'd kept, what value could anyone possibly see in the bastard they'd given away to die? mithrun and kabru tell the story like he wanted to win this unnamed elf's heart, but it was never about being with her. it was about cementing his worth, proving that he didn't deserve to be thrown away.

and so it's particularly cruel that his demon discarded him, too. but maybe it's also particularly gentle that, in the end, there was someone who refused to even consider giving up on him.

kui laid it out in three panels better than i could hope to.

yeah. it's love. you wanted to be loved, even when the only way you were able to understand it was through the desire to be wanted, and you wanted that so badly that the idea of being consumed felt like the promise of finally mattering to someone.

[wiltingg4rden]

i wonder if i killed myself would anyone truly notice

[spookymultimedia]

[weepingfireflies]

Pop music having a reputation for being "silly & happy" music is SO funny to me bc, like, at least 40% of it is "I'm going to kill myself" or "I wish you were dead" or "my family is abusive" or something

[basilsbestpainting]

Here's a Poem!

It's... not for everyone so it's getting a little hidden.

It's a poem I've been meaning to write since my college graduation honestly, and I feel a lot better having written it and sharing it!

Please be mindful of the fact that it mentions suicide if you choose to read it 🥰

A noose made from honor cords

There's a heavy metal sitting in the corner Round, golden, trapped on a ribbon to only be touched once. Two sets of yellow rope hang innocently in the closet, Knotted in the back, tassels on the end. They’re supposed to mean something, But it’s been long forgotten. There’s a letter tacked to the wall, pins shoved through it’s thick fabric This isn’t what is was meant for, But it holds no pride to anybody here

Two picture frames adorn the top of the desk Both in the same name The same fancy script- Though once is new. Both hold such significant meaning: Freedom, intellect, supposed power. Nothing truly accessible. There’s a sticker in the corner, something apparently important, But it never truly meant a thing.

Dust gathers on all these things, Laying forgotten over the years. Meaning once that someone was smart and important But all the meaning in those words has simply drained away.

A simple knot can easily be made with all this yellow cord And it feels like it’s been there the whole time- Tightening, pulling, Unable to loosen it’s unrelenting grip.

All that’s needed is to looses that knot in the center, and make the number eight

Almost like all the years that have passed since a smile has last felt real Or since the purpose of life felt tangible and real and personal

Three loops around the top

Like all the times it was supposed to be ok to stop. To breathe To slow down and live like a normal kid.

Then three more for all the times those were lies and nothing was alright.

It felt like there was only one escape, Through this small loop at the top

But that tightened And pulled And now?

All that’s left us a noose tied from the honor cords earned Instead of handling all the problems faced day by day.

And once again? The yellow cords seem like the easier way out.

[rainbow-blacklight]

im depressed, i wanna kill myself, give me 20 dollars

[xan-the-emo-trans-man]

Picture, picture, smile for the picture

Pose for the camera, won't you be socially accepted?

Everyone thinks that I’m happy

Please don't let them look through the curtains

D-E-P-P-R-E-S-S-E-D

I see things that nobody else sees

-dollhouse, Melanie Martinez

[anarchiekat]

Innocent Talk

“In the word ‘kill’, the only thing that dies is the ego.”- Susan Atkins “Adam, what’s going on with you?” said the therapist with his curious stare. “Well… I have issues, screws loose in my head… I have been angry, pissed-off for the last couple of months… I don’t know how to control them…” staring at his hands, murderous and mischievous. Adam thought, how an evil brewed inside of him, how his…

[eddiethebrave]

secret admirer part twenty-two

759 words

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one

Eddie do you ever think about what you’re gonna do after high school? like how am i expected to know what i want to do with my life? i mean, i have another year to think about it but not that much can change in a year you probably wanna do something with music, right? make it big with your band and have people screaming your songs i’d go to every show if i could be your own personal groupie who knows? maybe that’s my calling p.s. have a good time at hellfire tonight i hope you win !!!!! -H

You’d think the win last night would put him in high spirits, and it did. At first. He celebrated with the guys, passed on the get together someone suggested, and drove home feeling proud. It was when he was laying in bed, though, that he started thinking. When he graduates, how often will he be able to ride a high like that? From pure accomplishment?

Steve puts on a brave face for morning practice. He doesn’t wanna drag anyone down with him. He goes through the motions of accepting congratulations and pats on the back from his peers and teachers alike all morning long. 

It only makes him think, though. 

Seriously, what comes after this? More school? Does he accept that internship at his father’s soul sucking company? Does he get a gob and jump right into adulthood?

What it really comes down to is the fact that Steve had never thought he’d have a future. Honestly. He’s getting closer and closer everyday to the next stage in his life, though. The years snuck up on him and now he has to deal with it. 

On a lesser scale, Steve doesn’t like thinking about what life will be like once Eddie graduates this coming May. How is Steve meant to tolerate this hellhole without him? Sure, he’d gone years without really noticing him, but now that he knows what it’s like to have a taste of him in his life, he doesn’t think he could go back. 

The whole thing makes his pulse quicken and sweat begin to bead at his hairline. By the time he makes it to art class, there’s a tension forming at his temples and he’s not looking forward to the headache. He doesn’t think he has it in him to act like everything’s normal. 

For once, Carol doesn’t acknowledge his foul mood. She’s too busy staring at Robin. For the portrait, of course. 

The teacher had informed them today the class is basically a free period and they can choose what to work on or what to not work on. 

Steve sits slumped over the table with his head resting on his folded arms. He kind of wishes Eddie hadn’t put the divider up and also that he had his sunglasses so he could stare at him without feeling weird about it. 

Instead, he rests his eyes and tunes into the sounds of pencil on paper surrounding him. He dozes for a while and has nearly fallen asleep when he’s awoken with a poke to his cheek. 

Steve peels his eyes open, but no one seems to be wanting his attention. There is, however, a piece of paper placed next to his left arm. 

It’s a drawing. 

A stick figure with tall swoopy hair and eerily realistic eyes. 

Steve looks to his left, only to find the culprit still hard at work with his face tucked behind the divider. 

Steve visually fills in the blank and surmises Eddie’s smile probably matches his own. 

Steve doesn’t dare fold the paper. He tucks it into the notebook he has to keep it safe. Throughout the rest of the day, he opens the book just to look at it. When he takes it home, he tapes it to a wall in his bedroom, somewhere he can always see it. 

Eddie did i ever tell you how sweet it is that your club has matching tees? i haven’t seen anyone who doesn’t do sports or the school band have a uniform but it makes sense that other clubs would, too you look good in black, don’t get me wrong, but GOD i thought i was gonna die the first time i saw yours so thanks for that also, while we’re on the subject of how hot you are,  you should wear your hair up more often p.s. sorry about the existential crisis on friday i wasn’t doing too good but i got a pick-me-up eventually <3 -H

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