#that and my debilitating need to hyperfixate on everything

[literallyjusttoa]

Guys I think Troy is becoming my Roman Empire.

[scoups4lyfe]

Bipolar Essay PART 5

Ian's short movie (part one) open with a voice over and then the first song that plays, aka the introductory song, is SERAPH.

For me, "It's his last conversation with his God as he sets his wings on fire. In those moments when my world starts splitting, it's a question from me as to why it always has to be like this."

This line really **HIT**.

I have literally (in my online journal entries) written, "[God] Why have you forsaken me?" During one of my more debilitating episodes.

Because, ey yo? WHY does it always have to be like this?

Literally feels like we're a shattered teacup tossed to the floor, and now we can't be put back together ever again and we just have to constantly live with that knowledge that our own glass shards are what's killing us.

And yet...."So hold me this one last time" is the last words Ian chooses to end the conversation he has with his God on, and that KILLS me even MORE.

Because, same.

(Lmao. If y'all aren't religious in any sense of the word, you might just be reading this like 'PSHsht' but bare with me.)

God to me is all that is beautiful in the world. He is

hope.

And so what do you think it feels like to be abandoned by hope itself?

:/

Icarus is a very apt metaphor for someone with BD.

Not a lot of people discuss the Hypersexuality aspect of Bipolar disorder.

To the point that even I -- someone WITH bipolar disorder -- had misconceptions about it.

One thing that I never knew was that the excessive sexual behavior, thoughts (and what not) were compulsive and unwanted. "Seemingly uncontrollable."

I learned this about hypersexuality in a podcast, actually -- where the host (who has BD), and a psychiatrist, discuss bipolar things -- hypersexuality being one of the things they discussed.

The host even stated that he once called / texted his family that he was sick instead of going to a get together because he was so horny that he spent that entire day m@$terbAiTing. Like 20 times in the span of a few hours.

(Which isn't healthy, and def. something the psychiatrist said she would hear and go, "yeah. That's not normal.")

The host stated that sometimes he wasn't even turned on at all. But he still felt the compulsion to follow through on the act. (Y'kno, because its a compulsion.)

I don't think these aspects of hypersexuality get discussed enough. I was fr sitting there listening to that podcast like:

Not that anyone needed or wanted to know this, but I am basically aroace (more ace, less aro, LOL) through and through.

Unfortunately for me, I would suddenly have bouts of hypersexuality during hypomanic and manic episodes which caused me a lot of confusion and self-loathing.

Going from absolutely no sexual thoughts, interests, or desires, to suddenly a plethora of all of those things combined with a compulsion to complete such an act ---made me think of myself as someone disgusting and morally wrong on every account.

It was painful too because it's not like I **wanted** to do any compulsive behavior, or to think, or act on any of that nonsense, because I wasn't INTERESTED in those things. I never was! !!!!

Literally the only way to distract myself from that nonsense was hyperfixating on a tv show, book, music, youtube --anything to distract me.

Now -- you see why, "Hypersexuality" is so much more than, "wants to have a lot of sex" or "being overly promiscuous" 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 🦆

I feel like the statement "Entering an episode isn't easy" is rather redundant, LOL.

But well and truly.

It isn't easy.

What gets me the most is the uncertainty.

I don't know when a new mood cycle is going to hit. For me -- I'm a rapid cycler. Mood switching happens more frequently than I'd like.

My mood journaling makes this fear and uncertainty obvious. I never know if I'll go to sleep and wake up normal, or more "able", or if I'll wake up zapped from all of my humanity.

When I'm hypomanic I can feel on top of the world -- like I've finally fixed my life and from now on I'll do everything right. I'll work out and eat right, and sleep when I'm supposed to, and read regularly, and engage socially --- blah blah blah blah bLAH.

(You get the point.)

Because that energy never stays. I'll "dip" and soon all I'll be able to think about is the agonizing question of how anyone can stay awake longer than 2 hours without needing a nap.

Literally me after 2 hours of being awake:

When I'm in a depressive episode, I go from being someone like "SENKUU" from Dr.Stone, to straight up being Sleepy Ash/Kuro from Servamp. (My friends have also compared me to Shikamaru.) ....Not that this is anything important 🤪.

For this one, let me expand on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD can be defined as:

"a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions). To get rid of the thoughts, they feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions). The repetitive behaviors, such as hand washing/cleaning, checking on things, and mental acts like (counting) or other activities, can significantly interfere with a person’s daily activities and social interactions."

Source: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/what-is-obsessive-compulsive-disorder

I bring this up because intrusive thoughts come hand-in-hand with OCD. For Bipolar you can have auditory hallucinations -- like hearing voices, and / or you can have intrusive thought trains that are debilitating.

For me I have mental compulsions.

Often my intrusive thoughts will either be (1) Unwanted sexual thoughts that are disturbing or (2) Blasphemy aka a spiral of intrusive thoughts cursing out God as if its in my own voice

--> These force me to spend hours of my time constantly saying "Shut up" and "Stop" in my head. Doing my best to disrupt or distract myself away from the thoughts. As you can imagine -- that kind of makes it hard to focus on things in everyday life.

I stated this before but sometimes I have to imagine myself fighting my own intrusive thoughts. Though like 0.2 seconds later they start back up and the cycle continues.

This one shouldn't be all that surprising.

Depression can / is one of the constant fears of someone with BP. As it always looms ominously on the horizon like some sh*tty tax collector.

Like tbh -- I'm on antidepressants and mood stabilizers and blah blah blah--- I don't care if the antidepressants are making me hypomanic. I prefer that insanity compared to the depression.

Do you know how much it fvcking SUCKS to have absolutely ZERO energy? To constantly have to nap, but it never makes a difference because like 15 minutes later you'll be just as tired as you were before, if not more?

FR I'm legitimately afraid of who I'll become or what will happen if I get off my antidepressants. Like....when I say "I don't think I could live" (like that) I mean it. And that terrifies me.

Closing up on this part of the PPT, here's (of course) the link to the short movie that these slides reference:

[Prev] [Next]

PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

Visuals of a Depressive Episode: (1), (2)

Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

[browzerhistory]

Whomst is this yanny and also 🍀

OKAY so i had to wait until i got home from school to respond to this because hoo boy. hot dog.

so in order to properly explain who yanny is i need to go back a couple months when I started hyperfixating on a semi-popular video game... except i hated it. hated the concept, the creators, the fandom, everything (i won't say what game it is bc that would be swinging a bat at a hornet's nest). but my brain kept going back to it because one can't control the hyperfix. i ended up making a couple of characters in the universe of the game, one of whom was yanny (though the others got abandoned rip).

at first they just sort of existed and i didn't really do much with them besides doodle them on homework on occasion. they were sort of like a punching bag because the video game wasn't very well written and a lot of the effects of some in-universe events were either downplayed or ignored completely and i was like "well i could totally do better here's what would actually happen to a person going through this". and as it goes, i ended up liking their design more than i meant to (since they were sort of just made on a whim). however, by the time i realized the potential they had, the hyperfix was finally fading and i was more than ready to abandon all memory of that game existing. i was kind of sad to let yanny go but i really didn't want to continue interacting with the game or its fandom because it had an actual affect on my mental health.

then i realized "hey! i don't have to forget about them, i can just shove them into my oc universe!" and oh boy that's where it got out of hand.

removed from the context of the game, yanny lost a lot of their character and at first i was worried it wasn't worth keeping them if they were just going to be an entirely different person. but i tried reverse-engineering my way through a backstory and ended up making them more well-developed and interesting than they had been before. in turn, i also ended up fleshing out a huge chunk of my ocverse! there's a lot of world building there that would just not have existed if i wasn't so determined to put this poor guy through the Horrors.

that's the backstory out of the way. I'll tell you about who they actually are now (christ on a bike this post is long)

so yanny was originally a placeholder name, but it ended up sticking, and eventually evolved into their current full name, which is yanahel owens. they're a demon/fallen angel getting used to life outside of heaven (which is more like a hive mind in my ocverse and is currently referred to just as THE HIVE or THE SINGULARITY). they were roped into joining THE HIVE when they were very young and ended up spending seven or eight years as a drone (18 to roughly 25 or 26). once they break free, they're basically lost since they remember very little of their life before or during their time in THE HIVE. through sheer dumb luck, they meet up with someone they knew before, stella, and she offers to help them get back on their feet. she lets them move in with her and gets them a job at a café near her apartment. there, they make two more friends: tea and hanna, coworkers who are generally worried about their well-being but enjoy their company. they also meet up with more old friends there, vivienne and adam, who are currently in college.

their story overall is going to be about them making a place for themself in the world and recovering from the debilitating paranoia that comes with escaping a situation like that. THE HIVE is like a high-control group on steroids, so healing is going to be difficult and painful, but yanny perseveres because they want to find joy in life again and they want, above all, to live. it's more than a little bit of vent writing for me, but in a good way, because in the end, they're able to carve a place in the world for themself while making peace with what they went through and eventually finding joy in life again.

good lord this got long. can you tell they're my favorite oc right about now? have a drawing of them as a treat for reading this lengthy ass post. thanks so much for the ask!

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[neurodivergientqueerthoughts]

Introduction

Have you been wondering what ADHD is really like? This will not be biased towards one minority of people who have ADHD. It will be focused on the big picture.

This document will explain the seriousness of ADHD and everything that may come with it. Make sure to do more research into ADHD, as I am not an expert (although I, myself, have ADHD). In this, I go into detail about different aspects of ADHD and why it should not be taken lightly.

What is ADHD?

(Note: Not everyone with ADHD has these symptoms. They can vary from person to person.)

Constant activity going on internally (Hyperactivity)

Hyperfixations

Hyperfocusing

Depression (Co-occurring)

Anxiety (Co-occurring)

Sensory Processing Disorder

Executive Dysfunction

Auditory Processing Disorder (Co-occurring)

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

Insomnia / Sleep issues

Inability to focus

Difficulty switching tasks

Inability to stick to one task

Mood swings

Difficulty regulating emotions

Choice paralysis

Problems with focusing

Poor impulse control

Trouble recalling things, such as commonly used words

Exhaustion levels

Imposter syndrome

Overwhelm

Overstimulation / Sensory Overload

Understimulation

Memory issues

Motivation issues

Time blindness

Poor sense of time

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (Co-occurring)

Extreme boredom

Going into Detail

Executive Dysfunction/ADHD Paralysis:

A feeling of constantly ‘waiting for something’, without knowing what or why.

Confusion as to how to start or do a task.

A feeling of being completely overwhelmed, even by mundane tasks, to a point of being unable to do the task or function.

A very good description of how this can feel is “a fuzzy-restless feeling when you need to do something but your brain won’t focus on anything… you’re silently begging yourself to just do one thing but instead you’re [sitting there] even though you don’t even want to be. It’s like your head is filled with heavy electric cotton… you’re both uncomfortable and unable to stop.”

This is not the same thing as procrastination or laziness. This occurs with tasks that the person is afraid to do, does not want to do, or even wants to do. Laziness means that a person does not feel like doing something, but they could if they wanted to. Executive dysfunction/ADHD paralysis can be described as something a person has been trying to do for [insert amount of time between minutes and months/years], but they physically cannot do the task and end up feeling like a failure because of that. It is debilitating.

Hyperfixation/Hyperfocus:

An extreme obsession over something. This can be creating something, finding out everything about something, or just something that creates extreme emotions in somebody.

This obsession can easily become unhealthy as the person may forget to take care of themselves due to it. However, these hyperfixations cause extreme joy or curiosity in the person.

Difficulty switching tasks:

“When you have ADHD, task switching can often be difficult. You might feel like you're stuck in a gear. It might be you're trying to start, and your gears just keep on grinding. Other times you may want to stop but the gear just stays in place because you're hyper-focusing on whatever you're doing.”

Inability to stick to one task:

People with ADHD often have issues with motivation, which leads to many unfinished projects.

If a task does not give a person with ADHD dopamine, they are often unable to complete the task (i.e. homework; chores).

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome:

Instead of having a regular circadian rhythm, with sleeping hours from 11 pm to 7 am, people have an irregular pattern of 2 am to about 10 am.

These times are flexible. However, this means that people with ADHD tend to have issues with falling asleep at a “normal time”.

Extreme boredom:

People with ADHD have issues with dopamine and serotonin.

There are moments when boredom can be painful. People with ADHD can be bored to tears due to extreme emotions and a lack of dopamine.

Time Processing:

If somebody has to leave at 8 am and they wake up at 5:30, they will think that they have two hours or less to get ready. Time seems to pass without a pattern or rhythm.

“Today is Monday, but tomorrow is Tuesday and I have class. After that is Wednesday: I’m having lunch with my mom. Then on Thursday, I have a night class which means it’s basically already Friday and this week is already over.”

Time Blindness:

Not knowing how much time has passed based on their ‘internal clock’; they don’t have one!

Being completely unaware of how much time something will take.

Memory issues:

With ADHD, memory can be greatly affected. Some things will be forgotten very quickly, and some things can be over-remembered.

Difficulty regulating emotions:

“Processing emotions starts in the brain. Sometimes the working memory impairments of ADHD allow a momentary emotion to become too strong, flooding the brain with one intense emotion.” -Thomas Brown, PhD

Brain imaging shows that delayed rewards don’t register for people with ADHD. They are more motivated by the instant gratification that strong emotions deliver.

As a result, a person with ADHD may struggle to deal rationally and realistically with events that are stressful, but not of grave concern.

Motivation issues:

People with ADHD have much lower levels of dopamine than those without ADHD. This causes the brain to constantly crave dopamine.

If a task is not providing the dopamine the brain wants, it will make a person with ADHD less motivated to complete the task, or even start it.

Overstimulation / Sensory Overload:

Information reaching the senses feels like an assault of competing stimuli.

Understimulation:

Outside stimuli are dulled, as if a shade has been pulled over the environment, muting sights, sounds, and touch. These people crave extra stimulation to feel alive.

Exhaustion levels:

Feeling fatigued and tired all the time can actually be related to ADHD. Due to low dopamine levels, people with ADHD can feel exhausted even after getting ample amounts of sleep.

Ironically, people can get bursts of energy from ADHD as well. This can be from hyperactivity or high amounts of dopamine.

Imposter Syndrome:

Feeling like a fraud and doubting your own abilities.

Somebody who is intelligent and who has ADHD can have imposter syndrome towards both. They are not related to each other, but the ways they are portrayed in media causes imposter syndrome.

Auditory Processing Disorder:

Things can take longer to process when somebody hears them than when they see/read them.

The amount or complexity of noise around somebody can affect how they hear things.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria:

Extreme anxiety towards being criticized or rejected by others, despite their relationship with the person.

Extreme pain or emotional sensitivity is caused by a sense of ‘rejection’.

Hyperactivity:

This is not always visible, if at all. There is constant activity going on inside of a person’s head when they have ADHD.

This creates difficulty with sleep and relaxation.

If visible, it usually takes the form of fidgeting or stimming.

“Dealing” with ADHD

ADHD cannot be fixed, but some things can help people work with it. The coping mechanisms vary from person to person, and they aren’t always going to work. Getting diagnosed with ADHD is the best step to take before anything else, as trained professionals can help with ADHD symptoms.

It is important to understand that ADHD is a learning and doing disability. It affects every aspect of life, but it isn’t a bad thing! Many things with ADHD can be positive as well. Hyperfocusing can lead to a lot of productivity! Additionally, people with ADHD are known to be more creative and inventive (according to numerous studies). Empathy and compassion are higher in individuals with ADHD. People with ADHD even have a stronger moral compass!

[sunnysviolin]

Basil minnie here, can you make some ADHD Basil headcannons? I have a few, like how Basil will sometimes forget to water one of the plants and then proceed to apologize to it a bunch. Also he goes on long rambles about hyperfixations and things he is very obsessed with! One more is that he struggles with rejection sensitivity dysphoria and gets sad when his friends seem to be ignoring what hes saying even though they arent ignoring him. Most of my headcannons are kinda angsty and I need wholesome ones 🥺

Hey Nonnie! I love me some ADHD Basil (Even though that isn’t what I personally headcanon him having...we might talk about that in the future) for now I really like all the stuff you’ve said so far! Let me add some stuff of my own! Part of this is going to be a TW: Drugs

Basil doesn’t get diagnosed until he’s 18 years old. His parents had always been distant, and they didn’t see an issue. Their unwanted child got good grades and stayed out of trouble, so if he was out of sight he was out of mind. 

They ignore the fact that Basil couldn’t focus in on a conversation unless he began it. They ignored that he couldn’t sleep, that his dreams were wild and frightening in their elaborate details. They ignored his bouncing legs, his tapping fingers, just like they ignored everything else about him. 

Basil....wasn’t super happy when he was diagnosed. He felt like he had failed some unspoken test. Like he had spent most of his life trying to look just like everyone else, and now here was this obvious way he was different. 

After more therapy and talking with some other people (Kel) who have ADHD Basil changes his mind and starts to view himself in a more positive light, but those first weeks are hard. 

Kel and Basil are two ADHD BFFs. They can sit together and ramble at one another for hours at a time. Their conversations are so fast paced no one else can keep up, and they tend to interrupt and finish one another’s sentences a lot. 

It’s actually a relief to both of them to have someone else that fires as fast as they do. Kel loves his other friends, but Aubrey usually cuts him off and Sunny doesn’t contribute as much as he just listens. Basil adds, changes the subject and leads Kel down roads he never thought

For Basil it’s great just to have someone who never wants him to stop. He’s spent so much of his life being told to stop, or that he’s too much. He’s never too much for Kel

They swap hyperfixations a *lot*. Kel learns all sorts of things about plants, and Basil learns everything about different dog breeds. He quickly is able to get over his fear of dogs, because Kel just babbles endlessly about training Hector, and Basil hangs on to every word.

Basil does have really bad RSD. Like debilitating. He spent most of his life just trying to mitigate symptoms by being the best friend he could be (How you get situations like what happened with Mari and Sunny....) 

After he starts therapy and gets his diagnosis, Basil begins to work on his RSD. One of the main things is also working on his codependency, which means that at first, Basil doesn’t talk to Sunny. He doesn’t avoid Sunny, doesn’t try to pretend he isn’t there anymore like he did before, but he doesn’t seek the other boy out. 

They’re both healing, and it’s clear that healing is better when done apart. At least for now. 

Basil starts off working on his RSD in very small ways, just Kel Aubrey and himself going to get a slice of pizza. They had asked him if he wanted pizza, and Basil’s automatic repsonse was Yeah sounds good but he didn’t want it. He wanted to get something healthier, and a new salad place had opened up down the street from the plaza. 

It was a simple thing, just a tiny little thing. No he wanted to get a salad, but the frightened boy inside of him just begged him to keep his mouth shut. 

After multiple attempts to speak Basil blurted out his request. He hated himself for it, and he was sure his friends would hate him too, but there was a calm voice in his head that hadn’t been there a month prior. This voice reminded him that speaking up wasn’t bad, and that the worst they could say was no. 

He was terrified, and halfway to a panic attack, but if Kel and Aubrey noticed they quietly both decided to keep their mouths shut. They each took one of his hands and began to walk towards the salad place instead, starting up a conversation about school

It wasn’t great, but it was a step towards better. Basil barely ate his salad, but he did enjoy the company of his two best friends. 

[moogieandadhd]

trauma ferris wheel - A Personal Note on ADHD and the Holidays

(i want to briefly apologize for my absence. i was pretty unmotivated to write, i got a full-time job, and i took a break from my meds for a bit. but, i'm back, and i have a lot to say. thanks for being awesome and patient with me, friends. i hope you guys are having a safe and healthy holiday season.)

there are many things i want to say to my family members during the holidays when the inevitable joke at my expense happens. for the past year, in particular, it has been about me never getting a license. i am 22 and i still only have a permit. the jokes were funny at first, but now they send me into a spiral of insecure thoughts. not a big deal on the outside, but after being berated and not even asked why it's taking so long (financial restrictions and debilitating anxiety, thank you very much), it starts to take a toll on you.

maybe you have receptive family members who you can say "hey, that wasn't really funny and i'd appreciate it if you didn't joke about that" and theyre like "hey man, im sorry about that, i should have been more mindful, i got you." but maybe most of your family is like mine and when you bring up that sometimes they say hurtful things, you're met with "you have always been so sensitive. it was just a joke, come on." or something along those lines.

now, take that and apply it to pretty much every little thing that you do. that is what living with ADHD is like. everything you do is inconvenient, or annoying, or misunderstood, and you are expected to mold yourself into the neurotypical's expectations of how you should be. but god forbid you ask for a little consideration.

with ADHD, many of us dread the holiday season. if it were up to me, i wouldn't have visited my family and just dealt with the "maybe i should have gone" guilt later. that sure beats physically having to leave the room and hide in the bathroom because everyone is loud and there are to many lights and everyone is far too touchy and the fancy clothes you were forced to wear have become a boa constrictor around your entire body and....

when we disappear from these overwhelming situations, i have also noticed it isn't met with great reception either. "you always have to be the center of attention, don't you? why do you need to make everything about you?" as if protecting your brain from an overload which would lead to a panic attack or a shouting match would have somehow been better.

again, misunderstood.

or maybe you are one of those ADHDers who love the holidays, either because your family isn't filled with self-interested people, or because you have already cut those people out of your life and you now have the freedom to make new memories and enjoy holidays the way you want to. how i envy you!

when i was younger, i loved the holidays because i was always so understimulated and seeing my cousins and spending hours playing games and running around was genuinely fun. now that i am an adult and my attention is now spread thin between maintaining my home, my mental and physical health, my marriage, my job, college, my social life, my bills, and still somehow find free time to relax... the holidays might as well be an inner ring of hell.

another stressor is finding the right gifts. some people make no sense to me and i have no clue what to get them, but a gift card feels so impersonal and lame, and then the other people who you know a perfect idea for but that particular item is also $900 and you make minimum wage.

not to mention, nobody ever seems to get your gifts right. they assume they know you and would want you to have something they want you to have - but it's just not you. fair enough, our hyperfixations can change like the weather, but ask us about it and we probably have something in mind.

or, the bittersweet feeling when you're gifted something in relation to a hyperfixation that you are no longer madly in love with and have since all but thrown it away. i weirdly feel guilty, and sad. but i remember how much i loved that thing, and how close it would have been to my heart, and how amazingly excited i would have been to have that gift at the peak of the fixation.

if you have a comorbidity with your ADHD, which most of us do (combined type adhder here with generalized anxiety disorder and cptsd, with a history of disordered eating, how fun), there's so much more to dread during the holidays. there's insecurity, triggers galore, you name it. but that's for another post, i suppose.

i know this idea has been regurgitated forever, but i really do wish that ADHD wasn't named after the symptoms that are burdensome to neurotypical people. "attention deficit", but i pay attention to everything at once. "hyperactive", but i just need to move around more or talk it out before i can feel content. that's just who i am, and the fact that it is an inconvenience really does just feel like pushing on a bruise.

if you had a fantastic holiday, i'm so happy for you. may that warmth follow you into the new year. if you didn't have a great holiday, i'm sorry. you probably didn't deserve that stuff. or maybe you fucked up royally in some way. no matter, you're still human and you still deserve love. know who loves you and who doesn't and weed out that shit you don't need anymore. you can start fresh whenever you want. make a little room to forgive yourself. love you.

[fauslayer]

📌✨💕💔🍀?

📌 how did you find your hyperfixation?

roy actually got me into gear! an artist we mutually follow retweeted a guilty gear design thread and we got attached to zappa .3! then it just kinda rabbitholed

✨ what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

this is always hard to explain but i think for gear its like. the themes in it speak really hard to me. a lot of talk abt humanity and love and love in spite of humanity and humanity in spite of everything. weh weh sniff.

💕 tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

Holy Shit I Love Doctor Faust. like. debilitating brain fungus level. literally a man that is entirely driven by his desire to help other people and even like. the guilt being the main thing that drives him doesnt hold up to just how much he wants to make sure people are safe like. agony. this guy got his whole practice burnt to the ground very shortly after dealing with like. SO much and did he get angry? no. his first priority was making sure everyone in there got out of there safe to the point that he was delirious on fucking smoke fumes afterward!! aughhhh. i love everything abt this man.

💔 tell us about one of your LEAST favorite characters and why you dislike them.

zato fucking wifebeater babykiller one he is the embodiment of everything done wrong in gear he is the patron saint of an arc half-written i almost wonder if the people currently writing him have literally just forgot his first appearance every time i see him. he is not love regardless of humanity hes a husk that theyre wishy-washy over whether he feels bad ever. his fucking stalkerish obsession with wanting his ex to fix him. his ex who he tried to stalk and murder for years after literally grooming her into being a killing machine. the writers trying to portray that as some kind of love or lingering affection from the ""good old days"" will always make me angry because its more than likely zato never loved millia. i need to stop.

🍀 do you have any kins or comfort characters from your hyperfixation?

i think my brain is trying to hit me with a dekinning beam (in general) recently and im kinda thankful for it so im just going to go cc mode. there is a reason i want zato to boil in acid tho.

dr baldhead kamioshi moments he is my favourite guy his presence elicits extreme joy from me. i barely know why besides the fact that he is a vessel for my favourite type of pretty much anything. dw sensei we are both mentally ill and fucked up ill buy you a snack at the convenience store. different spot from being obsessed with faust somehow. jian also takes up a separate slot (he has normal guy moe im trying to finish smth cute with him as we speak pray for me)

other than the doctor gauntlet. zappa is my little tiepnsy sweetheart jellybean i want to pick him up and care for him and give him kisses like LOOK at him thats a rodent! and also slayer because hes so fucking cool. also going to give him kisses. this is the kiss gauntlet tier. thank you for the questions bestie |> | ily

[idk-my-aesthetic]

Ok you can discuss how ppl have gotten into the habit of trying to turn everything into a symptom or w/e the current discourse about mental health talk on this site is w/o mocking adhd/autistic ppl. Y’all know that right?

Like. Look i get that it’s annoying when ppl try to ask if having a favorite color is a adhd/autism thing. But I did the same thing when I first found out adhd existed. I was so fucking excited to learn that “hey maybe I’m not a lazy fuck up, maybe there actually is something different about me” that any scrap of proof I could find I held close to my chest. Especially with all the people telling me that there was no way I had adhd- that I was too smart. It took me 6 years of constantly asking to get a formal diagnosis. And I needed all those little validations to keep fighting.

Idk. Maybe it’s not the best thing to try and psycho analyze every little thing about yourself. But I don’t think it’s the huge deal ppl make it out to be. I think it’s smthn a lot of kids do and will eventually stop doing. I think it’s just part of growing up, especially when your nerodivergent

And I definitely don’t think it’s turning ADHD into a trend or getting ppl to misdiagnosis themselves or whatever tf ppl are saying. Like seriously grow up. You think it’s a bad thing that ppl with adhd are getting too much attention or whatever? Like seriously go to therapy. So many ppl irl still see adhd as “ohh squirrel disease” and there’s literally no positive representation for us in traditional media. Why are you so mad ppl are finally getting the chance to discuss their struggles with other ppl like them

And if your argument is “well everyone online says they have adhd so clearly it’s just a fad”. Online spaces like tumblr are like catnip to ppl with adhd. They’re more accepting and accessibile, it’s easy to indulge hyperfixations with fandom, they’re constantly stimulating, if something doesn’t interest you all you need to do to find something new is scroll, and they’re generally free of the bullies that have mocked us for being nerodivergent. Such a fucking mystery why a lot of nerodivergent ppl would converge here. It’s literally like when everyone was saying “well everyone is gay now bc of the internet” and ignoring the fact that gay kids were in online spaces bc they were safer, had communities of ppl like them and had information/resources

Like fuck guys. I do think there are some problems with how we talk about adhd on this site. For example a lot of adhd symptoms are relatively normal things taken to such high of a degree that they become debilitating. A lot of symptoms of adhd overlap with a lot of other things. These are both things that need to be remembered and aren’t recognized as much as they should be.

But I basically never see criticisms like that I literally just see NT ppl mocking ppl with adhd like we’re back in elementary school. Like go do something productive instead of being a dick head.

I’ve honestly seen more ppl mocking adhd or saying the way we talk about having adhd is problematic than I have seen ppl actually talking about having adhd.

And like, worse case scenario, someone misdiagnoses themselves as having adhd. What are the world ending consequences? They go to the dr and find out they don’t? Or find out they have something else? Hell maybe they find out they don’t have anything but questioning if they did got them to start going to therapy and improve their lives

Like y’all freak out that we’re “confusing ppl” or w/e but shouldn’t everyone do some introspection? Check to see if they feel different bc everyone feels different or if there truly is something different about how they’re wired. Why is this the worst possible thing for you guys

Or is all of that justification so you can make fun of ppl with adhd like elementary and middle school bullies. Literally grow up.

I really feel like the way ppl talk about mental health on tumblr has shifted. One way is how we stopped romanticizing mental illness- which is a really really good thing. But now I feel like discussing nerodivergence at all is like cringey. Ppl used to talk about their symptoms all the time and there were communities of ppl that supported one another. And now I feel like the only time we talk about it is when you guys are once again mocking ppl with adhd and autism. Anyone with basically anything else you ignore. Which is fucked up btw fucking listen to psychotic ppl, ppl with different forms of depression, ppl with personality disorders, etc. it’s really not that hard

TLDR: stop being dicks to ppl with adhd. You can comment on and critic how ppl talk about adhd without being an asshole. Listen to all types of nerodivergent ppl.

[jihyuncompass]

ADHD Seven/Saeyoung Headcanons

Okay so as a person with ADHD I’m a heavy believer that Seven has ADHD. So I decided to write some headcanons about it. 

As a disclaimer I am a person with ADHD so a lot of these are drawing from my own experiences with dealing with it but ADHD is an extremely complex neurodevelopmental disorder with a lot of symptoms and behaviors, so many that I can’t include them all here.

Seven/Saeyoung

Seven wasn’t diagnosed until he joined the agency. 

Seven mostly deals with a combination of hyperactive and inattentive type, however his hyperactive symptoms are much more obvious to people. 

Seven has a prescription for meds, but he’s really bad at remembering to take them. He tries to keep the bottle on his desk to remember to take them when he sits down to work but he usually forgets. 

As a kid Seven had a hyperfixation on computers, which is how he learned to hack so quickly. He would lose himself for hours just learning about how they work. 

Some of that still lingers but he hyperfixates on electronics and tech as a whole now. 

This is partially why he has so many strange inventions littered around the bunker. Many started as brief ideas that his mind went wild with leaving him hyperfocused on creating that idea. 

However for every finished invention there’s about 3-4 unfinished ones. Projects he lost interest in or stopped being fun enough for him. And unfortunately once he loses interest he rarely gets it back. 

He drinks Dr. Pepper partially because it tastes good but the caffeine actually helps his mind settle and makes it easier for him to focus on his work. He depends more on caffeine then his own meds tbh. 

Part of the reason he mostly eats HBC is not only because they taste good but often times cooking is hard for him. Almost everything takes too long, takes too much energy to make, or is too confusing. He also once almost burned down his bunker after leaving the stove on trying to make noodles after he got distracted. He won’t admit it but that moment was kind of traumatizing. 

As annoying as they may be, Vanderwood is actually a huge help for him. Getting anything done without an external motivation is nearly impossible. They may be harsh about it but Vanderwood’s pressure actually helps him focus a lot better. 

Unfortunately his ADHD also makes him a bit oppositional defiant so yeah he’ll do the work, but he might be a pain about it. 

Seven struggles with some sensory issues, things like noise and touch are especially sensitive for him. 

Big hoodie and headphones? ADHD sensory saviors honestly. 

Sleep is also a huge issue for him. He’s almost never tired at night and even when he is he finds it impossible to actually fall asleep. He relies on melatonin supplements to get himself to sleep. 

Other times he just falls asleep when his body physically gives up. This is usually at his desk or on the couch, it’s not very restful sleep but it’s what his body needs. 

Socially Seven has a difficult time. On top of having ADHD he also didn’t exactly socialize a lot of a child so he missed learning a lot of the social cues and expectations that most people learn as children. 

He’s also rather impulsive in the way he speaks, he blurts out things and goes on long unrelated tangents. If you think it’s bad in the chatroom its even more intense in person.

Seven is more than aware of how impulsive he can be while speaking, He tends to agonize after conversations about things he said. He would never let people in on that though. 

He leans heavily into the quirky, aloof 707 personality for this reason. He knows he’s socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right things so he acts as this sort of cartoonish caricature of himself he’s created.

Although Seven tries to hide it he cares a lot about what people think of him. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a huge hidden aspect of ADHD and he can’t stand the thought of people rejecting him, or even disliking him. 

It’s why he always listens and follows what V asks of him. Seven deeply cares about what V thinks of him. And considering V’s the only older male figure in his life he actually trusts wholeheartedly? The thought of V being disappointed in him is debilitating. 

It was similar with Rika too, Seven didn’t think it was a good idea to install a bomb in the apartment. He couldn’t think of a single reason why that could be a good idea, but he’s petrified of the idea of her being unhappy with him. 

To end on a light note, Seven is the living embodiment of that one vine. 

“Got diagnosed with cool guy syndrome yesterday, so now I take ~adderall~ haHA” 

[addminds]

Having a Hyperfixation

Okay, so I tend to see a common theme on ADHDblr being that many ADHD questioning people (and even many that have diagnosed ADHD) wonder what a hyperfixation feels like, and if they have one. Fair warning, this is much different than my usual posts. This goes into a personal feeling of how hyperfixations feel to me and how they affect my life.

I speak about hyperfixations a lot, but just for anyone who is unaware, I’ll give an overview. A hyperfixation is, in terms of ADHD, something that an ADHDer takes interest in and wants to learn about completely. It often takes over everything and takes the place of anything else that should take precedence. It effects our social lives, our personal lives, our school lives, our work lives, basically 8 times out of 10 we’re thinking of our current hyperfixation. It’s an all consuming urge to reorient everything in your life around this one specific thing.

I could go on for hours about how it feels to have a hyperfixation. There’s the excitement and debilitating shock each time you learn a new piece of information about it. There’s the overwhelming fixation on bringing it up in every conversation. There’s the unheard of relief once you finally get to talk about it to someone and get out everything you’ve had built up for however long you’ve fixated on it, and you finally feel your muscles relaxing and your brain feels satisfied for just a moment, until the subject changes and suddenly the incessant nagging is back again. 

A hyperfixation feels like the most important thing in your life. You hold on tight to it and hope it doesn’t slip through your fingers. You clutch this thing as close as you can and show it off to anyone who dares strike up a conversation with you, because this is your thing. This is all that really matters, because in the grand scheme of things, who needs to do real life stuff when you can focus on this cool thing? 

And then, whether it be a week down the road, a few months, or a few years, something finally crosses in front of that path you’ve been on. You see this New Thing, and you can’t help but look away from Old Thing. You can’t take your eyes away from it. New Thing is now the most important thing in your life. You’re not going to forget Old Thing, and you never could, and you’re sure you’ll circle back around to it at some point, but right now? Right now it’s New Thing’s turn. 

Hyperfixations are a vicious cycle of finding something, diving headfirst into this thing and devouring every tiny piece of information you possibly can about it, bleeding this thing dry of every bit and piece it can possibly give you, getting fed up that there’s nothing else, deciding to set your mind to making new ideas around this thing and creating things for it, devoting every moment you possibly can to it, and then, sometimes, seeing something else and starting the process all over. Sometimes a hyperfixation lasts a couple weeks. Sometimes they’ll last a few years. Many hyperfixations stick around as casual interests in the background while you hyperfixate on something else, but someday maybe you’ll come back around and hyperfixate on that casual interest again. 

So, what is a hyperfixation? A hyperfixation is everything. It’s addictive, and it’s wonderful, and it’s dangerous, and it’s awe inspiring. It’s the perfect mix of good and bad, because yes, this thing gives me immense, unadulterated joy, but at the same time, it’s all I can think about. There’s no portion control with a hyperfixation. So, no, a hyperfixation is not just me enjoying something. A hyperfixation is me loving this thing until it becomes nothing more than dust and ash and it can be devoured no longer. A hyperfixation diverts any and all attention I have back to itself. But the worst part is? When I don’t have a hyperfixation, all I feel is empty. Because my everything is gone, and until I find a new one, I don’t know what to do in my own mind. 

That’s why I have such a love-hate relationship with my hyperfixations. That’s why I constantly bring up that one specific thing that you’re fed up with. That’s why I tend to revert back to old flames of interests from years ago and spend months taking in only that one thing. That’s why I can’t stand it when people insist that a hyperfixation is just a normal interest. Because I know how it feels to be interested in something, and this is so much more.

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[thetruebadwolf]

notes to self:

definite signs i have ADHD:

1. hyperfixations. i dread getting into something new a little bit bc i know that i’ll only be able to think about that thing, be obsessed with that thing, and relate everything i think or do back to that thing for an age and a half and i know it annoys the people around me but i cant stop it aa

2. inattentiveness in class and a need for stimulation. i find it hard to focus unless i’m doodling, embroidering, etc and this is reflected in teacher comments

3. stimming, but sometimes.

4. rsd in like social situations? this one is part of why i am unsure bc i dont know if i have rsd or simply want to be liked

5. nervous habits - esp an oral fixation where i chewed my hair when i was young. i was told to stop so i chewed my pencils to hell and back (and also my bedframe a little that was weird) then when i stopped that i began biting my nails

6. i finish peoples sentences sometimes?? again not strangers tho so i think it’s more than normal but not abnormal

7. weird sleep schedule to the point where my friend (whos best friend is narcoleptic) asked me if i had a sleeping disorder. i fall asleep if i feel bored or uncomfortable in social situations and in class i get extremely tired from the getgo and feel very alert as soon as it ends

8. oh right and not being able to concentrate on classwork to the point of it’s very debilitating and i don’t know how to solve it.

reasons i might not have adhd

1. the big one is i can’t remember a time i hyperfocused to the extent people say where i ignore bodily needs for hours on end. yes i would obsessively read etc in elementary school and play civ and shit but those just kind of work like that for everyone.

2. don’t know about rsd. i dont experience feelings as physical sensations that people describe and i dont think i’m overly emotional

3. i like one on one conversations a lot and get very involved in them. perhaps this might be an example of hyperfocus bc i do neglect bodily functions to talk to people idk.

[antagonist-chan]

Yeah, I’m gonna be greatly reducing my presence on Tumblr at this point even if I make it out of this incident unscathed. God, this site is so terrible. A lot of the things that kept me here have been gone for a long time, and I’ve been thinking for a while that maybe I’d be happier without it in my life, since the year that I joined it, 2011, is also the year that my ability to just live in the moment died. Like, ever since I joined Tumblr, absolutely everything’s been an overwhelming rush. Until that point, my life moved at an incredibly comfortable pace and I could appreciate the details of my life and my surroundings. I miss being able to appreciate the moment. A lot.

It’s a shame; Tumblr is actually fairly effective at keeping my interests stable, and I fear that I’m gonna go back to forgetting all of my fandoms once they’re not my hyperfixation anymore. But, that’s not worth it. Besides, I can find other ways to keep my mind on track for the fandoms I actually give a damn about, and other fandoms probably deserve to get left by the wayside a little.

After seven years of putting up with this site’s crap, this whole thing is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Well, sort of broke. I’m not leaving this site altogether, and the “reduced presence” thing is almost certainly gonna happen gradually over a few weeks. But, like, yeah.

For one, I’m giving up on the idea of having a lewd blog. Or using Tumblr for anything even remotely sexual. This one’s the obvious one, but I’m not JUST doing it for the obvious reasons. Just... eugh. There are so many reasons I don’t need that anymore.

Also, I’m gonna unfollow a bunch of people I don’t really need to be following. Mutuals, you stay. Blogs that post stuff related to my fandoms? They mostly stay... for now. But blogs like i-am-a-fish that are basically just walking shitpost generators? Yeah, I don’t need to be following blogs like that. I love i-am-a-fish, but I don’t need that content in my life and I want to cut out all the content I don’t need. That also goes for the blogs of people/groups that I mostly know for their non-Tumblr content, so I’m probably gonna be unfollowing, like, Linkara and scp-wiki-official. Plus all the Touhou suggestion blogs, those aren’t necessary at all.

I’m also gonna just. Stop caring as much about my queue’s longevity. From now on, I’ll only put stuff in the queue that I REALLY want on my blog (which means that you’ll start actually seeing changes in the queue in about two and a half weeks). I might speed up the queue, too (which will also mean that you’ll see those changes sooner).

I’ll try to reblog a lot less memes, because those aren’t necessary, really. Except fandom memes, fandom memes are totally necessary.

And I’m also gonna try and actually get closer to my mutuals? I need to be more social, and since I’m gonna be reducing my presence here and I want to actually get to know some of my mutuals, I’m gonna try to overcome my debilitating shyness and actually talk to them while I still can at all. This is mostly just to my mutuals that I haven’t interacted with much, but it’s also partially to my mutuals who I haven’t talked to ENOUGH in a LONG TIME, so. Plus, the main thing I’m planning on replacing Tumblr with is Discord, which definitely requires more actual social interaction. And more social interaction should be good for me.

And, uh... I’m gonna have to figure some things out with Jikankyo. Like, where Jikankyo is gonna go from here if I’m mostly giving up on Tumblr.

Oh, and here’s something important: I’m not giving up on using Tumblr at all, I’m just trying to give up on Tumblr being my main thing like it’s been for the last seven years. I might not have a “main thing” at all anymore; that might be good for me. If it turns out to not be good for me, then I’ll figure out a new “main thing”.