#that was also a my own brain thing but like my art skill kept improving despite the failure of everything else for a while…

[falinscloaca]

prev i am now so angry that physics/chemistry isn’t doing better. its like if math had a baby with every bad part of science. sucks doodoo dogshit

[angelonasher]

i have an au (another one)

How do people talk about au's they have?

Usually they do it with little art things but art and me aren't cooperating very well- and im also not very good at visualizing details so making visual designs for stuff is kind of very hard for me ;-;

So yeah au its actually the most details for an au ive ever thought of in a short amount of time- i dont know what to name it so giving the general plot and hoping ya'll have some ideas?

Ofc my brain suddenly doesn't know how to explain things okay here you go:

worldbuilding:

So in the general ~world~ there are two "types" of technology, dark tech and clean tech. Dark tech has been banned by the government(s) for various reasons (oh its bad and people can make nukes oh oh evil ai oH the unethical experiments with it that totally weren't done by us oOh DaRk its clearly evil), and while clean tech has a more pristine futuristic vibe, dark tech in much more advanced

Redstone is considered a branch of dark tech, and whether or not its banned/what regulations it has varies from place to place

(The visual vibe of dark tech im not sure how to describe, but this entire au was inspired by the thumbnail of doc's robot battle video so uhm i guess kind of the vibe of the butterfly. It's like. A weird mix of cyberpunk and steampunk, if that makes any sense.)

Some people weren't too happy about the ban, considering many were: sentient/sapient androids and ai's; cyborgs; bionic people with cybernetics that either were essential to their life, would kill them upon removal, or greatly improved their quality of life; organic cyborgs (the term for hybrids such as golems, blazes, etc), or had their entire career on science/tech

So they ran way and made their own city. which, don't get me wrong, is a giant city. lots of connections with other dark-tech places. it definitely has a name. for sure. yeep.

It's made in this mountain where there was a giant crack inside, with houses underground, above ground, in the walls of the crack/cliff-face, above the mountain, and in the sky/towers way above the mountain

The government isn't too happy about this city's existence but because of *ahem* certain people who live there, they leave the place alone.

very summarized plot thing:

Every ten to thirty (haven't decided exactly when) years the [dark-tech city] hosts a competition of skill in technology. robotics, computers, cybernetics, weaponry, the works.

The exact details of the competition differ every time, the details of previous competitions kept vague. but everyone knows you gotta be good with tech to win, and you have to impress the judges with your inventions just to have a chance at competing.

The prize?

No one really knows. but it’s- something. something great. Resources and knowledge and equipment and something that’ll let the winner(s) achieve whatever dreams they may have in that little noggin of their's.

And its coming up soon.

Get creating :)

characters :D :

aka the people who i have a vague idea of their role/personality in this au for. 

“Name they go by” (real name/ what their friends call them) [no paranthesis if they don’t have a fake name]

Grian (unknown): 

An infamous name in the undergrounds, known for his skill in robotics. Never seen in person; appearance and species unknown. He’s rumored to have won the [technology competition] once before, but is entering again.

Npg: 

A little guy who works around Grian’s shop. He’s a sentient android made by his name-sake. His movements are a bit wonky, and he tends to have a goal-driven one-track robotic mindset, but his voice is pretty emotive and he even has synthetic skin!

RG (Robot Grian): 

The latest of Grian’s sentient creations, he has transparent casing to show off his components! His voice is- lacking, but he makes up for it with his realistic movements, “brain,” and expressions. He runs Grian’s shop and tends to be a replacement for the guy whenever he’s wanted/needed in person. He’s a bit more- sarcastic, then Npg.

TV (Impulse):

A prototype cyborg who has a penchant for dark tech. Having a sentient AI living in his head makes him a bit strange, but he’s just a nice guy! His eyes being yellow lets you know he’s the one in control. He’s entering the competition with the hope of being able to build a separate robot body for Skizz.

Skizz:

The sentient AI living in Impulse’s head, technically a cyborg. Look, he didn’t want to be here either. Or sapient. But he is, so he might as well be Impulse’s friend while following his programmed objective of keeping the guy alive. He can communicate through either his screen (that usually displays their left eye), Impulse’s voice, or the speaker on the side of their head. Blue eyes means he’s the one in control.

Tek (Tango):

Little gremlin tech man doing little gremlin tech man things. He’s a cats-folk*, of the that-cat-is-a-spawn-of-hell type. (And he’s proud of it.) He’s best friends with Impulse, Skizz, and Zedaph and is competing as a team with them for the same goal. He’s technically better at robotics than Impulse, but he’d never admit it.

*cats-folk are a strange hybrid mix of feline and some aquatic fish creature. They sometimes contain organic-cyborg features.

Zedaph:

Science man doing sciencey things. Skilled in robotics, redstone, and even code, Zedaph is a close friend of Impulse, Skizz, and Tango. He’s not officially in the competition, but he is helping out when he can. [I wish I had a longer description for him but he’s not that developed yet. Btw this is your sign to go watch Zedaph he’s criminally underrated and his style of videos is unique.]

K. Jumbo (Mumbo):

A newer name in the dark tech business, a mustache man building robots. He’s somehow nailed down making the sentient AI part and mass weapons of destruction, but he’s not that great at actually building the body, and tends to buy parts and instructions from Grian’s shop. He originally joined the competition as a chance to make a name for himself, but has since then teamed up with Scar.

Scar:

Strange man with his strange cat. A bionic human with a penchant for strangely wholesome violence. He’s mastered using and making mechanical crossbows and guns. He doesn’t know a lick of redstone but is pretty skilled at robotics. He joined the competition in hope to find more options for replacing his cyberntic parts, and has since then teamed up with Jumbo. No one knows if Scar is his real name.

Grumbot:

The first sentient AI Mumbo ever (accidentally) made, he lives inside of a communicator. Originally supposed to be a randomized option picker, he enjoys roleplaying, which is something Mumbo still has no idea how it got into his programing. He’s basically Mumbo’s son.

Jrumbot:

The second sentient AI Mumbo ever (accidentally) made. He needs to stop doing that. Also his son.

Sparrow (Owen):

An un-finished prototype cyborg unwillingly a cyborg, skilled in robotics. He has a bit of amnesia, so he can’t actually remember how he became half-robot, but he knows it sucks, given the control the programming has over what he does vs what he actually wants to do. He joined the competition in hope of finding some way to fix himself. (It seems the program is becoming somewhat sapient. That’s bad, right?)

Smajor (Scott):

Owen’s roommate and best (only lol) friend, he has a basic knowledge in robotics/cybernetics. [I haven’t decided what he is but I know he’s not human. Sorry Scott I don’t have more to say about you yet 😞]

Docm77 (Doc):

Creeper-goat-cyborg man. Also part butterfly but that’s (almost) all robotics baybe B) He’s another famous name in the tech space, even more so than Grian. He specializes less in sentient creations and more in world-breaking and physic-denying inventions. He’s intimidating in reputation and appearance but actually a really chill guy who enjoys gardening. Joined the competition because why not, he already has all the supplies he needs. (He may or may not be one of the reasons the government leaves them alone. He is on several watchlists.)

RK (Ren):

Ren-diggity-dog, it’s your local bionic hybrid. He’s part canine but also has a bit of sniffer origin in him. He’s also the owner of the only sniffers in [dark-tech city]. Extinct six-legged creatures are hard to get your hands on, y’know? He’s in the competition on Doc’s team, and although it's somtimes hard to believe, he does have a decent knowledge in robots, specifically cybernetics.

Slabs (Etho):

A famous name in the tech space, the bionic zombie-hybrid that’s actually pretty chill. He’s skilled in robotics, making weapons, and using them. He’s not officially on Doc’s team, but he does help out. He has won before. (He’s not running away from the responsibility of fatherhood if he’s technically their adoptive uncle, stop lying.)

Bdubs:

Loud short teen who sometimes hangs out with the cool redstoner guys. He’s Etho’s sister’s son, not Etho’s. Not at all. It’s just his personality that makes him call him Etho dad. His past-times include sleeping at a very specific time every night, becoming a spawn of hell if his sleep schedule is disturbed, bother watch people doing tech stuff, and brag about his older brother Scar, his mom Cleo,* and his mom’s friends.

*If it's unclear; Cleo and Etho are siblings. Cleo adopted Scar and Bdubs from the streets, who are siblings, and since Etho was living with Cleo at the time, he kind of became their dad, even though he’s technically their uncle. Etho left to live with the cool tech guys in their cool tech tower, and Scar (being an adult) left on his own but often visits Cleo and Bdubs. Bdubs lives with Cleo, but he sometimes hangs out with the cool tech guys in their cool tech tower too.

Martyn:

Funky little dude Ren found hiding in a box somewhere. Not sure how he got up the insanely tall tower, but Ren decided to adopt the guy into the found family jazz they got going on. He’s a bit traumatized, but that’s nothing some good ol’ friendship can’t fix. He’s some sort of bug thing. Cool wings, though.

Cleo:

With zombie genes much more present than her brother’s, Cleo has a name for herself as an amazing seamstress and armor-stand artist. (Armor-stand is a type of robotics art that I just made up.) She somehow deals with her two chaotic sons and her younger brother who still comes to her whenever he needs help. (So much for him being independent.)

Gemini (Gem):

Gem, also known as GeminiSlay, is a bit famous for her fighting skills. Oops. An anterled folk and Cleo’s and Lizzie’s roommate, Gem enjoys picking on Cleo’s brother and consistently beating him in the fighting realm to make sure his ego doesn’t grow too big. Unfortunately, her good heart has her taking pity on the poor souls that are Joel and Jimmy whenever Lizzie is unavailable. (Absolute beggars, those two.)

Shadow Lady (Lizzie):

A curious cats-folk that rooms with Gem and Cleo, Lizzie has the unfortunate fate of knowing Joel and Jimmy. Seeing as she’s one of the very few people that knows them in good relations and Gem only tolerates them half the time, Lizzie usually keeps them from killing themselves, and helps with the inevitable backlash of them doing the stupid thing she told them not to do.

Joel:

Better at what he does than his over-confidence would seem, Joel likes guns. He likes shooting them even more, so he does that. He gets in trouble for stealing and/or destroying stuff, gets Jimmy in trouble because he dragged him into it, and then goes begging to Lizzie for help. It’s a relentless cycle, but he does it, because he’s good at it. And he also gets paid for it. He somehow keeps on meeting tech-people.

Jimmy:

Helps Joel with his heists because Joel claims they’re related somehow and therefore he has to. He can be a bit un-confident or over-confident at times but has a geniunely good aim with guns and mechanical-crossbows. And bombs. Joel’s not allowed to use bombs anymore so he makes Jimmy do it, and then throws a bunch himself. He somehow keeps on meeting the tech people Joel meets.

and uhm i think thats it?

[upthenorthmountain]

One nice thing about drawing the same character over and over is that it lets you see your progress. I feel like I’ve made a fair amount!

When I drew that first picture in September 2014 I was 32 years old. I’d always wanted to be able to draw, but just never got round to it or knew how to get started. Like a lot of people, fandom is what inspired me and gave me the push I needed. It’s the most amazing feeling to be able to draw now, to be able to get down what’s in my head, to make things I love and am proud of. I know I still have a lot to learn but that’s where the fun is!

If you’re one of those people always thinking ‘wow I wish I could draw’, here is how I did it:

I worked through the book You Can Draw in 30 Days by Mark Kistler, which a friend recommended to me (if I'd known then about the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards I'd have used that too, but I didn't. It's good though)

I filled up a couple of sketchbooks with terrible drawings, mainly figure studies from quickposes.com and bad drawings of my blorbos

Finally thought I had something good enough to post, posted it, received so much support and love that I carried on, and I honestly cannot thank all of you enough for that

Kept drawing and drawing, making myself do the things that were hard or that I thought were above my skill level (harsh truth: you will never get better at the hands if you don't draw the hands)

After a little while I thought 'I wonder if I can use my iPad as a drawing tablet', and started using the Procreate app (then about £4, now about £10 I think, still a flipping bargain), first with my finger, then with a stylus that came with my iPad case, then with a slightly better stylus I bought on eBay, then two years ago I got a better iPad and could have a Pencil which is AMAZING

I have also recently taken two Procreate courses on Domestika which taught me a lot of things about drawing in general and Procreate in particular and I should probably have sought this information out sooner! They were Atmospheric Scenes in Procreate: Paint with Color and Light by Ramona Wultschner, and Female Character Portraits in Procreate, by Natalia Dias, and I would recommend them both

And I kept drawing a whole bunch and my friends were super encouraging so I just kept going and didn't stop

I have tips! Things I've learnt along the way

If you use Procreate, look up and learn about clipping masks, alpha lock, streamline, liquify, Gaussian blur

Don't worry too much about brushes, I mainly just use the hard and soft airbrushes and two versions of round marker (one with low streamline for sketching and one with high streamline for line art). I have a spotty one for freckles and that's about it really for what I use 99% of the time. People will try and sell you brushes by making you think you'll be able to draw like them if you have the right brushes but you won't and you don't want to draw like them anyway, you want to draw like YOU

Use more layers than you think you'll need, you can always merge them later

You will suck at first. You will suck so bad you will want to cry. But you have to be terrible, it's the only way to get to not terrible. The only way you STAY terrible is if you give up

Just when everything seems awful and everything you draw is crap and you don't ever want to draw again, that is when you must KEEP GOING and PUSH THROUGH because you are about to level up. Persevere just a little bit longer and soon you will be staring at your own hands thinking 'HOW'

Drawing is a learnt skill. There is no such thing as Talent, just people who've spent longer learning and practicing than you have. Eight years ago I couldn't reverse park my car, either, and then I got a new job where it was really handy to be able to reverse park in the car park and now I'm really good at it. You can improve at anything if you're willing to put in the time! GROWTH MINDSET!!

[angeliqueshelleyartist]

Review & Evaluation: Creative and Production Processes

Review Blog Post #1

Looking back at this past month and the work I have created and how I produced it, I was able to learn some things about the obstacles that inhibit my output and time management. In short, I perceive these obstacles to be:

Uncharted design aesthetics

Low experience in mechanical concept designs

Demoralised by industry gap

Adhereing to my Gantt chart

Trouble maintaining focus and self-driven motivation

Leo suggested engaging with art on a recreational level to remedy the art block that can come as a result of foraying into the void of a less-explored design aesthetic. Applying this advice, I have been really impressed with the vehicle designs in Cyberpunk 2077, and was blessed with one of those moments of inspiration when I noticed the stunning and angular gill-like designs protecting the rear windshield on my new in-game car. The shapes, designs and greebling were beautifully balanced in recognisable but tastefully-outlandish designs. I'm a little jealous of the craftsmanship and skill that went into those vehicles, but also feel inspired to try some of the sleek design elements in my own work.

Better observation and sketching with reckless abandon can also help improve my mechanical design abilities. I remember a concept artist saying that to improve your concept work, you need to be curious, figure out how things work, how they fit together. These observations and studies will eventually make it into your own work, adding credibility and believability. To help with this obstacle, I'm going to create moodboards with more research imagery, also looking into less expected places for inspiration, such as the joints on bridges, or the inside of a toaster oven.

The Dunning-Kruger effect may be at play as I consider the paralysis and despondency I feel comparing my work with industry professionals. It's an uncomfortable place to be, but it's a positive sign that if I persist, I'll be able to grow my skill past it's current level. Marc Dalessio’s Learning Curve seems to be based on Dunning-Kruger style observations, but is focused specifically on art skills.

https://stephangiannini.com/2010/12/24/marc-dalessios-learning-curve/

Persistence is key in the period of frustration I am currently navigating. I'll keep creating until my designs creep nearer my "ability to see".

Due to sickness and mental health issues, I'm quite behind schedule. I have some contingency plans in place to try to make up for the time, but this has also been a valuable chance to learn more about my brain's chemistry. Through the process of self-reflection, I've come to realise that I may have a focus deficient form of ADHD for which I'm currently investigating with a GP. We'll see where this investigation takes us, but this could genuinely be life-changing for the better if I am able to treat these mental health challenges.

Looking back over my levels of productivity during past semesters, I was able to be more motivated and driven during group projects as others were relying on me and the social interactions kept my feelings of isolation at bay. To remedy this, I can be more active on the Discord server set up for the MA Concept Art students and also join some more online communities. The only downside to these communities is sometimes they can be so large that work and comments are swept away by the sheer volume of posters.

References:

Dalessio, M. (2010). Marc Dalessio’s Learning Curve. [Online]. . Available at: https://stephangiannini.com/2010/12/24/marc-dalessios-learning-curve/ [Accessed 23 April 2024].

[lemliv]

You know what I’ve got time so uhhh here’s some basic art tips I’ve learned while at Art School™

This is gonna be long and I namely specialize in digital figure drawing but this can apply to traditional as well. These are also just 5 guidelines off of 2 years of knowledge so forgive me if they seem scattered these are just the ones that most impacted me.

quick definitions

Contour lines: These are the lines that define the outline of a shape. Think most cartoon line art - it gives you enough information on the features.

Cross contour lines: define the shape. Think of drawing a bottle with tape on it in a gridded pattern. The tape isn’t straight across - its curved. These help your drawings look more 3D

- Never reference other people’s art for poses

In fact if possible, work from life. That’s not an option for everyone especially now a days so just make sure you’re working from photos of real people. Whether you mean to or not your brain will pull from their style and whatever mistakes or decisions they made you will make. Drawing inspiration from others art is fine !! There’s just lines of befitting you in the short term versus the long term. That being said...

- Trace what you like. Do it. (Just don’t post it as if it’s your own)

This is like the one thing artists tell you not to do. It’s A LIE!!!! Kinda... Tracing over photos or art helps understand proportions and what makes them work. The kicker is you don’t want to do just do the contour lines - do everything and then some. Figure out how the limbs are connecting, the direction of the hair, if it’s a landscape figure out the vanishing point. Get some real information off of it to see how they solved problems. And then Do Not Post It. If you happen to post it directly credit the artist you drew and if they’re from the renaissance say it’s a (the artist) masterwork study.

- Fail fast and hard

This one is probably the most important, at least to me. Last year I did probably over 50 large scale figure drawings in a quarter long class and I think only like ONE. But they all helped me improve my speed, realize what was off with my proportions, and allowed me to be critical without destroying myself. Some of them I was only allowed 3 minutes to do and so it’s easier to accept what’s wrong and then work to not make that mistake when it takes you 3 minutes. Not everyone can work with charcoal from a model so the at home alternative that I still do today is going on to timed poses sites and trying to draw those in the time limit given. I recommend traditional just because it’s typically faster for this type of thing. You might not be able to keep up - that’s okay, allow it to be unfinished and continue. The sites at the end usually display the photos back to you so you can fix them later if wanted.The point is just for practice so no one has to see - and please don’t compare yourself to others. Instead compare it to the work you did yesterday and you’ll see the improvements.

- Art Styles are a solution to a problem

Technically I learned this online, but I was in art school so it probably counts. I think a lot of people online are obsessed with having a pretty art style or looking like their favorite artists. When what art styles are is basically you as an artist deciding what you want to draw and what you don’t. Think animation - typically it’s more cartoony / simplified because no one wants to draw all that detail for thousands of frames. So maybe you don’t want to draw every hair strand - simplify it into groups. You don’t want to draw a complex torso so you translate it into a square like shape. It’s all making decisions that help you ! Because sure, you could draw like Da Vinci did but why the fuck would you ??? (Unless you want to - and if so good for you I do not have the patience /gen) so when looking at other artists work see how they solved the problem of that complex forms we see every day rather than just seeing parts of a whole you want to take.

And this one is just a personal rule that I have myself

- Know when to be critical, and when to just have fun

I’ve seen so many of my friends stop doing personal art because they’ve forgotten how to not be critical of it. Not every moment is a race to make your best piece and for it to be perfect or even “correct.” Have art that helps you grow and learn more, the stuff that shows your technical skills. And then have art that makes you happy. That you do for yourself or for fun. Art schools often ask for both because they recognize that that detailed study of a bowl of fruit isn’t who you are as a person, but it does show you know your way around some value. Art is ultimately self expression! There’s the starting points and rules but they are there so you can learn them and then break them!

There’s so so much more I could say and I know this is so much !! But for now this is my knowledge for today !!! Also due to the nature of art, not everyone is gonna pledge by these rules and that’s okay. This is just what worked for me and kept me sane :]

I didn’t proof read this! Because my class starts soon!! I hope it’s comprehensive!!!

[dropofgoldensun]

omg hiiiii i am here from cat (@luvdsc) wondering if you could offer any advice about college apps 🙏 especially about the uc piqs? thank you so much i hope ur doing well!!!!!!!!

yes yes hello friend !! 💝 miss cat directed you to me because i did my college apps last year !!! (yikes one year passed already?? why does that feel ages ago 🤧)

first of all, congratulations on making the decision to apply to college !! i know it’s been hard for a lot of people our age to figure out the college situation recently, so i’m proud of you for choosing to take the extra step this summer to buckle up and write those essays 💞

i’ve compiled a few tips on answering the PIQs (i was actually in the middle of typing this up when i received your ask haha), but some of them can be applied to other essays, as well !! they’re all under the cut (because, unfortunately, being brief is not my forte) 😊

(and for reference, the prompts i chose were #2 (creativity), #6 (subject), #7 (community), and #8 (anything) !!)

tip #1: understand the prompt.

before you even begin writing, it’s important to understand what the question is really asking. for the UC PIQs, this will look different depending on which four prompts you decide to do.

in question one, for example, they want to know about your skills in leading others, but notice that they’re also curious about your resolution abilities and teamwork experience. or in question two, they don’t want to know that you paint and that you love painting—they could be asking how resourceful you are, how you think outside the box when you have an idea.

once you know the question you’re going to be answering, you can move on to brainstorming!

tip #2: write down three (3) key takeaways.

these are like the most basic, not-even-a-sentence answers you would give to each question. so for me, in response to question eight (“what do you believe makes you stand out as a strong candidate for the UCs?”), my answers were perseverance, courage, and character. i had a story about that, so i wrote about my experience with martial arts.

i recommend you do something similar. decide on three things that you want to communicate to your audience, and write them in the footnote of your document. your goal is to cover all three points so that, if anyone were to read your essay, they would walk away understanding those three things about you.

i found this strategy really helpful for keeping my essay streamlined while writing—if a sentence didn’t relate to any of those main points, i would cut it since those words would take up valuable space in the word count. stay focused on what needs to be in this essay, and if you have extra words left in the word count later, you can add those details back in.

and once you’re done with your essay, make sure to refer back to your takeaways and check that you covered all of them sufficiently!

tip #3: highlight your stories.

i sent cat an ask a couple days ago with a few pictures of my response to an end-of-year college counseling survey that referenced this tip (you can find it here). basically i said that, when choosing what topics to write about, pick things that interest you! if you get excited talking about it, your audience should get excited about reading it, because they’ll pick up on the passions you have and then everyone’s excited !!! :D

i’ll tell you a secret: everyone you meet, everyone you see, has countless unique experiences that few others may have. me? i spend hours making mashups out of kpop songs. i earned my black belt years after a traumatizing experience during training. i get russian harry potter and spanish dr. seuss books from the library. and i created a collaborative online google photos album for my classmates that now has thousands of entries. although these aren’t necessarily unique to only me, they’re still special enough to the point where, when you put them all together, you get a better image of the person i am, and what i value.

so find a story, a habit, a hobby that makes you different, because i believe that everyone has them. give them some food for thought, or that one-liner that sticks in their brain and won’t go away. and remember: these stories don’t all have to be extraordinary—they should be about people or moments of special value to you, because that’s what matters.

personal tip: when i was brainstorming ideas, i decided that the best way to get ideas out there was to go on a rant (because sometimes it helps to just have a conversation with yourself !!) and i recorded myself, so i could replay what i said !! this was so so crucial to me finding my own voice for writing essays. notice the way you word things when you talk—a good line or two may make it into the final draft :)

i found it helpful to read sample essays as well! they give a lot of great ideas on the kinds of topics people write about. (also, it’s kind of fun, because who doesn’t love a good story?)

but the people reading your essay won’t be there to just enjoy your story; what they really want you to do is to tell them what you learned from your experience. they want to know whether you’re teachable and willing to grow both as a student and as a young adult. so make sure to take note of the life lessons you learned, experience you gained, character you built, etc.

minor tip on ending your essay: if you’re telling a story that happened in the past, then close with what you learned and how you can apply that to your life moving forward. if you’re telling a story that has no definite end yet (like a passion or dream you have), you probably don’t have everything figured out (and you can say that in your essay!), so it might be better to close with your hopes for the future.

tip #4: ask your family for help.

peer-editing is one of the most effective ways to detect errors and inconsistencies in your writing, because, after staring at your essay for so long, you might gloss over glaring contradictions. for all of my essays, i printed them out and asked my parents to help me revise them. we’d meet every other night (or every night, depending on how much time was left) to review and discuss improvements.

i actually kept some of those printed drafts (only the first and the final ones for comparison), and let me tell you from experience—you’re probably going to have a lot of drafts (i think the most i did was seven? but you don’t need to go that far!). this part of the process does take some time, so remember to be patient and kind to yourself :) these essays won’t happen overnight!

enlisting the help of others also helps keep you accountable. one of the struggles many seniors face while writing essays is just... setting aside time to do them. and even though the constant reminders from your parents will definitely get repetitive and a bit stress-inducing, i can tell you from personal experience that i’m so glad they did; otherwise, i don’t think i’d have my essays done in time :’)

while writing college essays is challenging, your family will be there supporting you each step of the way. chances are that they’ll have their own pointers to pass on to you, since they probably remember doing this process themselves! and, out of everyone in your life, they probably remember the most about you (because you probably don’t remember much when you were four or five), so they might have a couple starter ideas for topics when brainstorming. you can rely on them for their advice and their experience.

tip #5: self-editing.

here’s the part that takes the longest time.

use action words. this is probably something you’ve heard all throughout elementary school where they didn’t like you to say “said” because it was “boring”… but honestly, the difference between “doing my own version” and “infusing it with my personality” could go a long way. also, use words that you would actually use in an essay—then it’ll have your own special flair, and not sound like it’s taken from some stuffy 80s textbook!

here are some of the words i used (once again, you shouldn’t use these words if they don’t sound like something you’d write/say): potential, overlay, wrestle, launch, analogous, weave, infuse, experiment, outlet, revel, fascinate, satisfaction, pursue, expand, distinction, capture, range, archive, engage, beyond, build, adversity, cultivate, preserve, commit, explore, convey, naturally

also, be on the lookout for repeated words. i once wrote an essay without noticing that i used “hope” three times in the same paragraph. don’t do that! use synonyms :) personally, i tended to run short on synonyms, so i always kept a tab or two open on my computer reserved for searching up new words.

side note: unfortunately, during my search for synonyms, i discovered that thesaurus.com just didn’t give me what i was looking for. i highly recommend using wordhippo instead; it has so many more options and they’re grouped by the different definitions of your word! i found the synonyms i needed really quickly and it was very satisfying!

avoid the passive voice! my teacher gave me this tip for theses or any other college-level writing. here’s an example of the passive voice: “there was a large part of me that wanted to turn back.” that’s twelve words taking up precious space in your word count! instead, say something like, “i considered turning back.” you’ve just freed up eight words :)

tip #6: final revisions.

this is the step where you fine-tune your essays. meet that word count.

read your writing out loud. does it sound like you? it should. every writer has a different voice, and you need to ensure that yours is pervasive throughout your essay. feel free to use contractions—not only do they reduce your word count (this was a good thing for me, since i had a problem with getting under 350 words), but they also give a more casual tone to your essay, as if you’re telling a story to someone in the room.

next, pretend to be an admissions officer and have someone else read your essay to you. do you get excited hearing about this student who shares your name? if you do, there’s a good chance the real admissions officers will love your essays, too. this also gives you a chance to review to your essay as a whole. pay attention to the overall flow. is there a clear beginning and end? do you resolve the issues and overcome the trials you brought up? listen to it as if it’s a story, and take this time to enjoy what you’ve written. you worked hard!

final thoughts / encouragements.

oh my goodness, did we make it to the end? honestly if you did, thank you so much 🥺

okay but despite my relatively optimistic tone throughout this post, i’m still going to be honest with you—the college essay writing process is difficult. it requires you to look inside yourself and analyze the “why” behind some of the things that you love, and that isn’t easy to do at all. it’s intellectually and emotionally challenging, because not only do you need to use so much energy writing, but you also have to dig deeper to understand yourself, and that’s not easy, either.

but i wanted to encourage you, too. no matter what you may think of yourself at 12am, 2am, 4am writing these essays, believe you have a personality that others love and will love when they meet you. you are an interesting person with unique experiences who deserves to share your thoughts with others. you have so many people behind you, supporting you during these next few months. and when you find that you can’t write any more, remember to take time to care for yourself. have a warm shower. go to bed early. i could go on and on about why sleep is good for your brain but i’ll spare you the details in this post 😉

one last thing: keep the bigger picture in focus. remember, by december or january, you will be finished with most of the application process. that’s no small accomplishment. you can do it. 💝

i really hope you found tips that you were looking for, and that they’re applicable to your own PIQs and other essays !! if you have any other questions, feel free to send in another ask (i promise my response won’t be this lengthy LOL) 💘💓

oh, and if you feel comfortable enough reaching out about anything in particular, i’m only a DM away 💕 i wish you the best of luck on writing your essays and i hope you enjoy your final year of high school !! 💗🌸💟💖

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[selfproducingfanfictionauthor]

the worlds collide - i: an old face

Summary: Who are you? Now that the new world has collided with the remnants of the old? 

Pairing: BTS x reader (slight Got7/Jackson x reader)

Warnings: Referenced violence, covert sexism, zombies  Notes:  I knoooow I should be working on lessons to build and looking back at you but this idea just won’t let go. I originally wrote it for my 30 minute challenge but it got out of hand. So here it is, a zombie au! Not sure how long it’ll be yet but we’ll see! UNEDITED. Word Count: 3.2k

At the center of the end of the world, humanity was stripped to what it only needs to exist - strength, camaraderie, and grit.

With the undead nipping at your heels day and night, the only thought that remained were thoughts of where the nearest exist is, how to store food, how much farther for the next stronghold, and how long will that stronghold last. To survive, you stripped away everything unnecessary from your former life. All the bashfulness, the shame, and coated yourself with an armor as thick as the new callouses on your fingers - you still remember the first time you’ve went topless around Namjoon, and neither of you flinched.

Frankly, you’ve forgotten how to be anything else but this brought you to your new role in the new world. You’re no longer a girl, or a woman - you’re a survivor.

And with your old life etched in the sinew of your muscles, of your arms and your legs, you became a valuable member of the group. Along with Jungkook and Hoseok, you carry the front, bashing heads of zombies left and right, clearing the way to a new possible food source and haven.

It was a tiring existence, the type of tired that can’t be washed away by sleep. If that’s what you can call those pockets of peace you have when you’ve finally trusted them to watch your back.

It took long for you to finally drop your guard around these boys that you now call your family. Understandable, given that men didn’t really have a great track record for women to trust them even prior to the apocalypse. But you’ve met them in a tight circumstance, that had them trusting you before you even bothered to try.

(It was Jimin who first reached out, somehow unchanged by the cruelty of the new world. Always soft, always yearning.)

The seven of them had been friends before shit went down, and you were just a lucky one to be part of their orbit.

You remind yourself of this now that the new world has began.

This is the longest you’ve stayed in one place since two years ago, and it’s starting to feel like a place everyone could plant their roots in. The town’s largely untouched by the apocalypse, its strategic location in the mountains and quick response had them building trenches and walls, to keep the hoard from closing in.

It’s an extra precaution thoughtfully made by a self-sustaining community. For once, isolation brought forth more benefits than mishaps. They’ve barely lost people, largely untouched by the terrors of the world outside theirs. Innocent. Their lives went on. No nightmares, nothing.

The first time one of the pleasantly-dressed girls approached you with what could’ve been friendship, you flinched.

The boys were taken to it so easily, perhaps being as weary as you are didn’t make them jaded as it has made you.

Namjoon was swept away by the village committee, his brains and leadership evident with how he led you to safety. Jin and Jimin’s apprenticed under the village doctor, Yoongi’s turned to farming along with Taehyung, while Hoseok and Jungkook’s muscles are put to test building houses at the craft shop.

Everybody’s found a place except you, because while this town’s been untouched in all the good ways, it’s also been untouched in a sense that it kept to all the antiquated ways of the old world.

And, you hate how much you resent it in your deepest of hearts.

It’s as if they thought that putting you in a dress will wash away all the blood in your hands, as if you didn’t shed as much as all the boys did if not more. You’ve been turned away from all the things you could do, and are now being forced into things they want you to.

It’s suffocating, being torn with the desire to put your foot down and the fear of being perceived as ungrateful.

“They don’t understand, do they?”

You blink out of your thoughts and turn to a familiar face making himself comfortable beside you.

Jaebeom’s pushed away the unfinished basket to the side and pulled up one of his long legs to rest his elbow on.

By his side is his gun, locked and loaded, always ready even after months of quiet. You didn’t even hear him come in, but instead of being unsettled, you’re a slightest bit relieved to know that at least someone hasn’t gotten rusty.

The scar on his eyebrow stands out underneath the moonlight, and on  the porch of your little house way’s away from the center of the town, you two make a fine pair of outsiders.

“No, they don’t.”

Even in times of peace, loss is inevitable.

Namjoon mulls over this as he looks at the list of names up for the next supply run. Two names have been crossed, and two funerals were attended last week. One had a body, another didn’t.

Old man Jungho died of a heart attack after his son died outside, and along with the grief, Namjoon could feel the pressure placed on his shoulders by a community unused to “unnatural” losses.

He’s developed a cycling procedure that makes it slightly fair to everyone who volunteered. Marked with blue ink are the ones who were in the previous run, those in black are the ones who are up for the next one.

With the latter list down by two, Namjoon turns to a different corner of his notebook to see your name. Until now, he’s had every excuse not to put you out there but now…

“Fuck,” Namjoon sighs and rubs his face with his hands. He doesn’t know why you’ll want to do this again. He’s tried asking you but somehow, you’ve grown farther and farther away.

When he tried to find you in the village garden with Yoongi, suddenly you’re out getting water. When Seokjin did your monthly checkup, you’re as impenetrable as the walls, when Hoseok tried to approach you with improvements for your home, you brush him away saying you’ve dealt with it with Jaebeom.

Jaebeom.

Whom you’ve only met a month in after you’ve settled into town. Who somehow’s been rumored to visit your house after dark, when the boys you’ve spent two years with haven’t even gotten the chance to step into your home.

Namjoon lets out a shaky breath. You’ve been so unreachable it’s made him cry out of frustration when the nights are dark and the seven of them feel your absence the most in their own quaint home.

They miss you, so much. Even Yoongi who’s as taciturn as they come has tried reaching out to you, working endlessly hard in his own little garden at the back of their house to produce strawberries that you love so much.

“Who’s on the list?”

Hoseok steps in the kitchen and jolts Namjoon out of his longing. He’s wearing his “fight” pants and boots, his gun taken out of the secret cellar and empty go bag slung on his shoulders.

Namjoon pushes his notebook towards him and watches as his friend’s face grow dark at the sight of your name.

“No.”

Namjoon sighs at the conviction in his friend’s voice. It draws in Jungkook from the living room, wearing the same pants and same tension in his shoulders every run.

It’s different when it was just the seven of them, now, they have to lead a bunch of unseasoned people outside the walls just so they don’t go in blind when - not if - shit hits the fan. The loss of the Youngho weighs heavily on Jungkook. They were of the same age, but not the same life experience and ultimately, that was what killed him.

“No, what?”

Jungkook takes in the tension of the room and glances down at the open notebook. “Oh.”

He mouths your name silently, treasuring each syllable. How long since he’s called you? How long since you two talked? Back outside, he liked to believe you and him had a special bond born in the midst of danger and trivial common hobbies from the old world.

He still has that photo card of an old gaming character you two loved.

“I can’t play favorites.” Namjoon states, teetering between duty and keeping you safe inside the walls. If you knew, you’d probably hate him for this, but you don’t.

“You can - you have!” Hoseok slams his hands on the table, the sound echoing inside their house. Everything falls silent followed by footsteps from the second floor.  “What makes it different now?”

“The difference is the fact that we lost someone!” Namjoon bellows, his anger and stress rolling off him like waves but Hoseok doesn’t stand down. He knows its selfish, but the only thing that has him going now that you’ve pulled away is the knowledge that you’re safe.

“We always lose someone—“

“It’s not just us anymore, you know that, Hobi.”

Hoseok bites his cheek at Namjoon’s use of his nickname and he could feel the rest watching him like a hawk. All at once the fight goes out of him. It’s true. In exchange for safety, the get a community - for better or worse.

A hand lands on his shoulder and he turns to Taehyung, who in turn offers a strained smile. “At least, she has two of you to keep an eye on her out there. Like old times.”

Hoseok never thought he’d feel nostalgic about the times they’re elbow-deep in zombie gut but — “Yeah, like old times.”

Except, it isn’t like the old times.

Jungkook’s always been an awkward guy around girls, especially pre-apocalypse. He was all long limbs and Bambi eyes, not quite steadfast on what he was as a man and easily shaken by every attractive girl’s attention.

And although he’s grown a bit, confident in his looks and skills in this new world, he still hasn’t mastered the art of rejecting someone.

(He’s never had to, not when it was you.)

And so, he’s stuck at the last meeting with his back against the wall and one of the town’s remaining daughters - Hyerin-  crowding his space as opposed to being beside you across the room.

He doesn’t even know that Hyerin signed up for the run, especially with how he’s told her that it’s dangerous and that she hasn’t had the proper training to go out there. It rankles him all sorts of wrong when she said that her father said that “it isn’t as dangerous as they made it out to be” as if they’re lying about the dangers they’ve faced.

And sure, they’ve cleared out a large space around the town of zombies but things can always go wrong, and if there’s anything Jungkook has learned is that things have a habit of luring you to a false sense of security before fucking everything up.

Hoseok’s giving the briefing to their small group of ten, and he could see his friend’s eyes linger a second too long whenever it passes you. You with your hair pulled back and back straight, it almost brings him back.

But then you smile at something Jaebeom says and Jungkook feels his chest tightening on cue. You haven’t smiled nor even looked at him since the start of this briefing. What had he done wrong? What have they done wrong that drove you away?

“We might encounter people on this run, and I want you to remember - people are more dangerous than zombies.” Hoseok reminds the group, “They can think, they can plot - and are much harder to predict. We’ll need someone to bring up the front before we flank the space—“

Before Jungkook could raise his hand, yours shoot up along with Jaebeom’s.

“I’ll do it.”

From the back, Jungkook could clearly hear the murmurs of the men in the group. Someone, someone stupidly brave enough speaks up, “I think you should let the men handle this, darling.”

Jungkook sees you put your hand on Jaebeom’s arm before turning to where the voice is. It’s one of the older folks, large and burly with eyes alight with mockery.

You smile sickly sweet, “Oh? I’m not the one who puked on the side of the road during the last run, am I?”

The man sputters and laughter erupts around him, his friends who were equal parts terrified at the sight of a half-torso crawling towards them last month. It’s easy to laugh when it’s not your ass on the line.

Before he gets another word in, you remind him, Hoseok, Jungkook and everyone in the room how dangerous you were on the outside. And how dangerous you still are here.

“And for the record, could you stomach killing a man when you can’t even finish off a zombie? I can,” you pause the silence being answer enough, “So, no, I’m not leaving this to the men.”

“Antagonizing them isn’t earning you any points.”

Keeping your eyes on the road helps you steady your nerves. Outside, you could see the remains of pushed over cars as your caravan makes its way away from the forest and down the mountain.

According to the last team’s run’s intel, there were traces of people loitering down the town proper and so Namjoon’s sent a team before you get caught unawares.

Hoseok coughs, “Y/N. Are you listening?”

“I didn’t know there were points to earn.”

One line, and its scathing but, Hoseok thinks, at least you’re talking to him. He was afraid he’s forgotten your voice.

He may have abused his power a bit to split you up from Jaebeom but it still makes sense, given that you two have worked together longer outside. You with your speed and him with his agility, you make a pretty good team.

And with your pretty face, people tend to underestimate you until its too late.

Hoseok pauses and mulls over your statement. Adjustment is hard, he knows, pandering to people who don’t know how hard it is on the outside but it’s needed. He doesn’t understand where your dislike of it comes from, so much so you’ve decided to ostracize yourself not only from the people in town but also from them.

(He’s a man. Of course he doesn’t understand. Old or new world, men can only touch the surface of what damage the world has done to women.)

“Y/N, it’s just so we could live with them peacefully. No trouble.”

You finally turn to him and he shivers from the coolness in your eyes. “When have I caused them any trouble? I help out, don’t I? I’m a functioning member of the community - is it required to be all chummy with them?”

Framed like that, Hoseok doesn’t have any answer but a semblance of the truth lying in a question, “Why don’t you talk to us anymore?”

Outside, the caravan reaches its destination and people pour out of the old trucks.

“Is there anything to talk about?”

Of course, of course there is, Hoseok wanted to say. But job calls, and  when the sight of tracks greet your group, everything goes back to the back burner.

By the looks of it, there were at least four people about. All with large feet which most likely mean they were males.

Hoseok made a executive decision and sent back all of the group except you, Jaebeom and Jungkook. Given the situation, your group had too many people for this run turned reconnaisance and moving that many people will slow down any retreat you might need to do.

So he sent them back up with a message to Namjoon about the situation. He’ll get a lashing later but he’s sure the guys will understand. A small group is more manageable, but a group with established trust and dynamics (at least with the three of you) is more than ideal.

Your tracking leads the team to one of the larger convenient grocery stores in town. It’s long been looted and cleaned out, but somehow, one of the older craftsmen in the village figured out how to run the generator. Now, it’s store room is being used to hold and freeze any meat and fish you can’t afford to salt. How long you’ll have it running with the generator, who knows?

At what previously was an aisle for chips and snacks, you and Hoseok tread lightly, guns cocked and hands steady, your ears straining to hear any off-beat step as you get deeper into the store. Somewhere across the room, you know that Jungkook and Jaebeom are doing the same, closing off the larger exit.

It’s four on four, the odds may not be on your favor if it comes down to it but it’s not on theirs entirely either -whoever they are.

The morning light filters through the broken glass windows and reflects on your gun as you step forward to the large space at the end of the aisle. At the corner of your eye, you see Jungkook, -free of that girl hanging off his arm- tilt his head towards the large freezer ahead of you.

Behind him, Jaebeom moves to the right, taking position for a surprise attack while you three continue to advance. The freezer’s door is slightly ajar and you could almost make out the conversation and the shadows moving about inside. There’s unfettered laughter and guffaws, pulling you into a false sense of familiarity.

That laugh…

You were so in your head that your next step crushes a stray glass and echoes in the store. For a moment, it rings in the air, suspended like Hoseok freezing to look at you, before suddenly everything just- drops.

Out the door, someone tackles you to the ground, grabbing your gun and tossing it under the shelves. Your head bounces against the tiles and it steals your breath in pain but without missing a beat, you drive the heel of your palm to the man’s chin, hard enough to unbalance him off your waist.

The man rolls to the side and tries to grab your foot before you break free and kicks it to his face. With satisfaction, you hear him grunt in pain before grabbing at you again.

To the side, you see Hoseok trying to reach you, his gun similarly tossed away by the paler and taller man clutching his shoulder, slumped against a turned over cart. You’re ears are ringing, and you might’ve hit your head but vaguely you could hear someone punching someone at the other side of the aisle.

Everything happens so fast - and ends so quickly.

Your vision clears up as a cock of a gun rings clear, pausing everyone’s movements.

In front of you is a face you’d never thought you’d see again. He’s darker, with what seems to be a permanent five o’clock shadow on his jaw, but his eyes light up at the sight of you and a smile stretches on his lips, his hands up but uncaring of Jaebeom’s gun against his head.

“Y/N, long time no see.”

You gasp, frozen on the floor. “Jackson.”

End Notes: Hearts are appreciated but comments are gold. Let me know what you think and if you want to be included in a tag list!

[prorevenge]

Ridiculed, accused of lying and incompetence, I shoved burning facts down their throats and made a successful business in the process.

"The best revenge is massive success." -Frank Sinatra

TL;DR; Told I was lying and didn't know anything about game design. Made a spite video game that became a huge hit. Jackass is also forever immortalized within the game credits.

PREFACE

This is a very unusual story compared to the typical posts you've read here. There's a lot to unpack but I'll try to summarize everything as best I can.

I hope you'll find it as entertaining as I did. And, what's great about this story is that it happened very recently, it happened here, evidence is searchable, and it's still kinda on-going. It's a tale of trolls, video game addiction, self-righteous arrogance, harassment, winning an impossible bet, a viral hit in Russia, and massive success with even some little revenge sprinkles for added measure.

Quick background about me: I've worked with game developers for decades and I'm an avid researcher and supporter of unorthodox and ethical video games used for educational and clinical purposes.

HOW IT STARTED

Two months ago, there was a new reddit post about "using video game to ease depression" that caught my attention.

The reason it caught my attention was because it was a game & study that I had in-depth knowledge of (from over a year prior.) Unlike everyone else in the thread, I was the only one who had actually seen the game, played it, knew the developers, and even had the original technical game design documents.

The article discussed a variety of topics but never addressed exactly HOW the video game was able to ease depression. So, I provided a quickly summary of what the game actually did.

[SKIP THIS SECTION IF NEUROSCIENCE & GAME DESIGN DON'T INTEREST YOU]

A quick side note about this article, for those that like extra details: One of the cool properties of ketamine is that, not only can it provide rapid and temporary relief for depression, it also actively heals damaged brain circuits. Then there's dopamine. A chemical that we internally produce, that has similar but less potent effects. There is no cure for depression, but these are promising treatments for some. The article focused on what's called "flow". Using certain game design methods you can induce a "flow state" by causing a sustained dopamine release. When used ethically, it can be highly beneficial in stimulating/training the brain to perform certain activities, improve or learn memorization, adapt to challenges, learn new concepts, exercise motor skills, and meanwhile rebuild pathways/synapses. While all of this is happening, the user is receiving pleasurable rewards without realizing it. This process can create new pathways, repair old circuits, and increasing their neuroplasticity. Increased neuroplasticity means improved cognitive functioning, reducing impairment of the reward process, and improving the effectiveness of antidepressant medications. Video games can be a unique non-drug option to accomplish this while easing symptoms. Research has already shown that many popular games can already accomplish this (unintended effects by the game developers). By comparison, the game design they used in this theoretical study was highly limited in scope, so permanent benefits were negligible compared to the temporary respite brought about by basic dopamine release. Science is still barely scratching the surface of neurotransmitters and flow state. There are still many unknowns, but dopamine isn't just a pleasure chemical that the media would like you to be believe. It can do quite a number of things. Research has shown that "flow state" can modify synaptic plasticity, improve connectors between cells/synapses, ultimately helping cells in the brain communicate better as a network and improve neural system intrinsic properties.

My summary posting was fine for a while, until predictable trolls arrived led by an "armchair game developer". Dr. Armchair definitely did not appreciate my post. It was an affront and insult to his profession. Within a few minutes, it dropped 30 karma. I don't care about imaginary internet points but I don't like being accused of lying. Dr. Armchair and his pals started with the usual "do you even lift?" Then it was quickly asserted, from their armchairs, that I knew nothing about flow, psychology, dopamine or game design at all. From their high horses, they contributed nothing useful; only taunts, defamation, attacking my character and physical appearance, and accusing me of being a liar and incompetence.

Apparently it was a very sensitive topic. Who knew?

It quickly devolved into Dr. Armchair gleefully, and repeatedly claiming, that he won, he was right, and I was wrong. He demanded that I essentially write a 300 page peer-reviewed study to prove him wrong, and when it couldn't be provided within 5 minutes, there were more gleeful cheers of "HAHA! I WAS RIGHT! I WAS RIGHT! I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU LALALALALA.."

Obviously, it was going to be impossible to reason with Dr. Armchair and his buddies. But actions speak louder than words.

So, I claimed that I would provide undeniable proof in the form of a video game "a few months from now" that he could actually play for himself. Once again, claiming that I was lying and it was impossible. And more of the usual "It's been 5 minutes, where is it? Oh, you can't do it can you. HA! I was right! I BEAT YOU! I BEAT YOU!"

It was weird.

Eventually the mods had enough. Dr. Armchair and his cronies harassment, ad hominem attacks, accusations and inflammatory attacks resulted in multiple posts being removed. But my promise still stood and I fully intended on keeping it.

THE BOLD CLAIM

The plan was simple:

Create a proof of concept that demonstrates just the critical neuroscience principles that induce flow. To prove it beyond a doubt, I intended to also prove that MOST COMMON INGREDIENTS of a game are completely UNNECESSARY to accomplish this.

So, I made the very confident claim that the game would still be fun, addictive, and demonstrate flow state, even after ripping everything out:

No extras or frills. Built within a short period of time.

No music. No sound effects. No animations. No story.

No expensive art. In fact, hardly any at all: I would use ONE SINGLE ART ASSET for the gameplay (plus some lines.)

No feature creep. No sign-in system. No gacha mechanics.

No level design. No achievements. No RPG gamifications.

I could get at least a couple hundred people to play it.

I should have also mentioned that it would be built with ZERO BUDGET and NO MARKETING.

If this sounds like a strange way to make a game, it is. For a typical game developer, this would raise many eyebrows, and they'd consider it highly risky or improbable to achieve any success with both arms figurately tied behind your back while blindfolded.

HOW IT ENDED

While I was preparing to stress test the game online, it was discovered by .ru bots that were scouring the web for new games. Even before the game was ready, they published the game link on several Russian gaming sites.

The game exploded.

It has graphical similarities to Tetris, so it was a nice coincidence that the game essentially launched and did so well in Russia at first. After that, other game sites started discovering the game on their own too, even before I had a chance to submit the game myself. Most importantly, the proof of concept and everything I claimed worked (high ratings and retention). It proved so effective that the game is currently being played by hundreds of thousands of users worldwide. And it's a clear demonstration about the importance of combining psychology and game design.

I suppose you could say that there are many layers of revenge happening here, maybe even karmic justice or backfiring on their part, it's really hard to classify. The best kind of revenge is always massive success, and shoving it in their faces, however. But, on top of that, I also fully kept to my promises while proving these ignorant individuals so wrong they look like fools.

I also added some extra salt to the wound. I figured that success of the game was partly due to Dr. Armchair's ignorance. It was only fair that I included his name within the Game Credits. So, I officially gave this very wonderful human being a very "special thanks" for their support in making this success possible.

(source) story by (/u/postfu)

[shikantazaart]

Shikantaza Creativity Interview III - SPARTALIEN

At Shikantaza we are not content to just create art. We want to understand art. We want to understand the people who make art. Into the act of creation. Who are the people behind the art work? What motivates them? Where do they find their inspiration?

No two people think and act alike, so it is even less likely to find two artists who think and act alike. Yet, there will be crossovers, shared thoughts and shared experiences. Where do we adjoin and where do we diverge?

Our series of interviews with artists and creators aims to answer these questions.

In interview number three we speak to multimedia experimenter SPARTALIEN. You can find his creations here https://spartalien.com/visual as well as a collection of his work in the Shikantaza gallery.

1 - Starting with the most important question - Who is Memoria?

Memoria is Latin and means, when translated, memory / remembrance.

I named the merchandise for the album "2358" Memoria instead of Memory, because the main track titles are also translated into Latin.

I see my merchandise as small memories/artefacts. Not only because they are very rare, but because I can never go back to that time.

“Memory is the treasury and guardian of all things” - Cicero

2 - You work across different mediums. Do you have any preference for a specific form? When did you first find the format that was “you”?

I became really infected with the digital virus around in the late 90s when I built my first computer. A year or two later I started taking photos and manipulating them digitally. I also had a few printed, which allowed me to bring the digital into the real world. Then I discovered IRC and started learning a little bit of TCL. Since I had fun coding, I decided to learn the basics of web development because I needed a website to show my pictures to other people. In general, I was fascinated by the flow of information on the Internet. That distance is no longer a real hurdle when it comes to data transmission.

I've always loved music as a listener and small collector. I was then and still am one of those people who never go out of the house for long periods of time without a Walkman. Music production came into play when a couple of friends set up a small studio where they produced Techno/Psy. When I was there for the first time, I knew immediately that I wanted to try it too. A few old tracks from back then are still available on my website.

From then on, many of my projects have developed in the direction of music.  The input for a program was often music metadata or it was a website that was about music in some way or another. But since I was still at the very beginning of my learning process, I kept discarding practically everything in order to improve it or to learn new things. Around 2001, I started a web radio with friends, which was online for several years. The music was mainly Downtempo, Trip-Hop, IDM and Ambient. Promos from unknown artists from around the world were also broadcasted.

The atmosphere, the feeling I got from this time - how the music finds me and not the other way around, how it can change people's thoughts - has never left me since then.

3 - Do you feel that each medium allows you to express yourself differently from the others? How do you choose which medium you work in any given moment?

Yes. But I think you can convey the same feelings with any medium. The question is how direct it is. For example, pain can be expressed with fire but also with a chair in an empty room. At the end of the day, in my opinion, it's not about the artist's intention but about the perception of the viewer and his or her subsequent thoughts and actions. For example, imagine you make a dark ambient track that you experience as sad and heavy, but someone else tells you that it helped to relax and develop thoughts.

In addition to all of this, each medium also has advantages and disadvantages when it comes to technical implementation. So, sometimes the choice can also purely depend on skill or resources.

We all have ideas and often out ambitions outweigh our resources. Sometimes we need more resources, but more often than not we need to chip away at our ideas until our ambitions and resources align.

4 - Do you seek different sources of inspiration for your music than you would for your visual creations?

It's everything in the world around me that inspires me. Everything I perceive and feel, so to speak. Most of the time I don't have a melody or a picture in my head. It is more of a feeling and then I look for the right tone or shape for it, so to speak.

5 - How closely are your creations connected to each other?

Very close one could say - through my thoughts that I have wrapped in it. I always had a bit of a problem putting my thoughts into words. I tend to stray through various topics when I talk about something. With music and visuals, it feels lighter and more natural to get to the point. The "message" doesn't always get through, but being able to do so is liberating and invaluable to me.

6 - If you were to direct people to a specific piece of work that you feel really nails what you are aiming for with your creations, which would it be?

This is a hard question. Maybe I would ask you to sit down and listen to the album "FLOATING HIGH" in one sitting. Since it felt like coming home to me while making it. The music is less intrusive and not as precise in its message as the previous releases. Like its cover art, where the clouds could be seen as opening or closing. I wanted to create tracks that leave more room for thought while still telling a story.

7 - You have “X minutes of peace” on your site. Why is this needed? Was this made for you or for others?

For others but also for myself. For me it is self-reflection that allows me to understand myself better. But since I have problems with "just switching off my head", the moments in which I just sit quietly and let the recording device do its work are very valuable. In moments like these I can really switch off and think about something very carefully. Asking questions even though I feel like I don't have an answer. Or simply enjoying the precious fresh air and sounds of nature.

Unfortunately, too many people don't have time for that kind of peace. Too much pressure is on them. They either get this or that, or they can't survive. It's so sad how the system works. I simply think that if everyone would have more inner-peace, the world would be a better place. But then again, what do I know living under a rock between mountains?

The videos should allow us to find peace for a few minutes, no matter where we are. So that new and hopefully useful thoughts can develop.

The series  Let It All Go is actually the same thing, just with music.

For the really dark hours there is BRAIN I/O. From time to time I prefer to embrace the pressure. Difficult to describe. The concept is basically: don't think, just feel and record it. It's about things that I personally want to leave behind or at least want to learn to accept (not necessarily being okay with) them if I can't change them.

Peace is an issue for me. When I briefly find it only points the way to the next act. This is fantastic but self defeating. Why can’t we just stay in peace?

8 - When inspiration has left the building where do you look to find it?

I'm not really actively looking for inspiration. Somehow it doesn't work that way for me. So variety is important to me. That is why I usually have several side projects going on in the areas that I do not much publicize. Much of it never leaves my hard drive and is mainly intended to free my mind and get on to new ideas in the process. Coding, graphics, drawing, etc. But the music production is and remains the main focus.

9 - These are the questions I am asking all the interviewees. Why do you create? What is it that pushes you to keep creating?

The inner child is just too strong. I've been living for a while and I know exactly nothing. It kind of feels like that. So many things that you can create with the computer alone. I'm stuck in that loop where you just love to create things and learn - and use the new knowledge to create new things. Things!

10 - What would most assist you to create more works? Is there an ultimate goal for your creations?

More time and resources for sure. but most important to me is the feeling that my loved ones are safe. When I have to worry about their future because the system is going the way it is, it feels like a pile of stones in my head.

The creative / social goal of my art is relatively simple and based on my own experience. Art has helped me tremendously when I felt lost - or when I was just "bored". Taking time to really listen to or look at something can be very liberating.

My short-term financial goal is to generate a more or less regular income through art. But since I never released anything commercially before 2016, this world is still new to me.

My dream goal is to hear my music in film and games and to generate an income that supports my family.

Nonetheless, I think goals are here to create an initial path, not necessarily motivation.

I do not know of a single soul who has not been lost. Some never find their way back. Some don’t need to find their way back, they are happier in the place they found.

11 - If you were to offer a creator any advice what would it be?

Based on my own experience in no particular order:

Stay curious and open minded for different viewpoints.

Tutorials can limit your creativity. Sure, learn the basics, but explore as much as you can on your own and never be afraid to fail. It's a process, not a game.

On projects that take longer than a day to complete, set yourself a deadline when you want to have it completed. Not important if it takes longer, but in general that helps to stay more focused.

Very few things are easy when you start.

Limitations are not necessarily bad.

Don't wait for motivation to create. It will kick in usually a few minutes after you've started. Therefore keep your tools ready and organized so you can start creating at any time.

You can always turn off the internet.

Be open for constructive criticism.

Especially for the digital crowd, backup your stuff!

(All images and works by SPARTALIEN)

[ranmanjuu]

Me again sorry if I’m spamming can request how the boys react to going to the future with mc be everywhere’s in lockdown thank you and stay safe love you~ (๑ゝω╹๑)

there’s probably a shit ton of them hcs around these parts and i feel like i’m just re-wording a lot of things so like,, ahaha i’m sorry. also the character cast is u-t forces cause ngl we have a lot of oda forces request previously and the coming requests dw just showing love to my kasugayama boys

—shingen:

the moment you stepped into the good ol’ modern times, the first thing you realized was that there’s a pandemic going on and with shingen being immunocompromised, it’s surely a danger more than ever. without a word, you quickly drag him into your apartment first thing’s first.

you quickly told him to take a shower (to which he’d probably jokingly invite you in, but to be fair, he doesn’t really know how bathtubs and shower heads are used). you didn’t have men’s clothing, not for his size so to say, so you just settled with your big, stretchy jackets you had.

after explaining the situation, you did consider going to the hospital for his treatment,, on one hand, if shingen doesn’t do it, he’ll. . .you know. and if he does, there’s a chance that he could get infected (with hospitals being a breeding ground for the virus). 

in the end, you decided to do it.

even after that, you were always careful with things like going out, mostly you taking care of the shopping and everything. you kept reminding him to wash his hands, social distance, etc.

and frankly, while he understands social distancing, he doesn’t like it. he just wants to hug and kiss his deity lover! prepare for the man to just recite poems so damn dramatically for this.

(^ this includes the amount of pickup lines increasing by a lot. the fact that he can now search some up from google doesn’t help.)

there’s a lot of things you do in quarantine, and you’ve found that the amount of carpentry has increased significantly prior to this.

said carpentry ranges from tables and chairs, to small decoration carvings of birds and the likes. the smell of wood now wafts in the air more than ever.

you’ve now replaced yukimura for his dieting of sweets. his illness may be gone, but teeth problems could still arise! but shingen can have some modern candy once in a while, as a treat. 

as for the reaction of the future in general—shingen finds it so, so warming how relatively peaceful it is compared to the sengoku. yes, protests are happening and there’s practically a new type of war going on (he most certainly advocates for human rights, etc), but it’s a step to a new light. a world he wants.

—kenshin:

you’ve had conversations of the future before—most of them on a,,, bizzare note, with the topic being on swords and war (or lack thereof), etc. a silent agreement was made between you two to not have kenshin be in the future since he’s missing one of the things he ‘needs to live with’ (them being war, sake, and you).

but a lot of improv had to be done when the wormhole was much more stubborn and managed to pull you through.

right after you figured out what happened, a security guard immediately came and told you to wear a mask (considering it’s a must). you had to haul kenshin back to your house before he attacks the guard with his sword.

after cleaning the two of you from any virus, you began running things over to him about the future. aaaand he’s already thinking about keeping you in your house by any means so you don’t get caught by it.

but you managed to convince him otherwise, you did have to go shopping and the thought of kenshin doing it with all the foreign technology around him made you sweat nervously.

no, kenshin, sake isn’t a need but you will buy it for him cause he won’t be able to survive, you feel.

you thought a peaceful modern world was bad enough for kenshin to reside in, ohoho, wait until you realize he can’t even go outside and fight sasuke and all that jazz.

a thought crossed your mind to learn how to duel and fight using mop sticks but he shot down that thought.

in the meantime, most of your days were spent in the garden with his sea of bunnies (how they got there, you don’t know) and mostly tending to them so they don’t contract the virus (kenshin almost flipped when you told him that rabbits could do that).

and by night, you spent it by looking out to the city skies (but the light from the buildings doesn’t hit like the stars do) and drinking sake.

he’d also be against social distancing, but—unsurprisingly—only to you. after a while that rule goes out the window as he cuddles you to death from being touch-starved.

i feel like he’d be interested in the past (or future, to him) wars just because. he’d read up about the wars from all sorts of places. and sometimes, you’d catch him with a deadly smile and say, “that sounds like a great idea, i should wage one like that.”

you had to remind him no, you can’t start a war cause you want to.

—yukimura:

he’d flip straight up by the idea of there being a pandemic in your time. you never talked about this when you told him you came from the future!

he’d probably groan at first with the thought of having to hole up for a long time, but he’d quickly understand. it’s for the benefit of the immunocompromised and the old, he’d like to help by following the rules.

besides, he has you. he’ll cope.

at first, his plan was for you to just let him do all the work during lockdown, like going out and stuff. he was non-chalant, if a bit stubborn.

until you mention groceries.

you start firing him questions, do you know what we need? do you know how much of it we need? or which one is which at all?

he shuts up after that.

yukimura will definitely do those workout things on youtube, and you’ll probably be roped into it. rip to you but you’re gettin’ buff during these lazy times.

small, silly arguments would most likely be the norm for you. it’s a bit of spicy bickering back and forth, you both find it amusing and it’s a way to stimulate the brain, no matter how stupid the topic is.

it can range from if mugwort mochi is better than chestnut dumplings, and you’ve even gone out to search for light topics to have small debates over.

occasionally, he’d invite you outside to watch the skies. the colorful lights from the tall buildings kind of reminds you of the loud fireworks during the festival back in the sengoku—only if they became stars instead.

much like shingen, yukimura is thankful of the positive changes in the future. horrible things may have stayed, but as long as there are people advocating for a fair and peaceful world, he can spend his days beside you.

—sasuke:

as any situation, sasuke was prepared as ever. the second you went to the modern days, he pulled out a spare mask (dw it’s clean) from his pocket and handed it to you. remembering the rule of mandatory masks, you quickly put it on.

you couldn’t really have a discussion about time-travel in the open, so you both went to your apartment.

sasuke is definitely well-versed in the virus, dumping most everything he knows unto you to better arm you with it yourself.

somehow, he could calculate how much groceries and overall shopping in any timeframe. a month, two, etc. so you find yourself bringing him out shopping with you.

since he’s now in the modern world, the amount of him being holed up kinda increases. if he’s learnt so much from a youtube tutorial, imagine the absolute machine he’d be by the end of it.

yeah he’s that guy who learns 45 million skills.

sasuke might seem unbothered by having to keep distance from you, but he really isn’t. you can tell; by the way his lips tighten, or the way his eyebrows furrow sometimes.

would regularly remind you to wash your hands, and would always say to take a bath each time you go home from the outside. if you’re ever sick, he’ll somehow have the perfect medicine ready.

you binge watch shows all the time, it’s another form of bonding cause you two already know about them. you’d spend nights on the couch with a blanket and snacks, discussing about things ranging from theories to crack cotent.

you really wouldn’t trade it for the world.

—yoshimoto:

honestly, yoshimoto isn’t even much interested in the future. mostly just how far art’s gotten (and trust me, it’s gotten so far). such is the situation when the wormhole caught you two.

he probably got sidetracked from the first art he could see (probably street art in this scenario) after you barely identified you went to the future.

again you must haul this pretty man after being told off by a security guard for not wearing a mask.

your biggest problem is probably his massive fascination with modern art. endless hours were used to have a talk that, no, he can’t go to an exhibit right now.

so you improvise.

you gave him a hand-me-down phone, or just share a laptop, and teach him the concept of digital art, along with how to operate certain social medias so he can browse around.

downside is he is currently—and unknowingly— planning to get you broke by commissioning artists. also he may or may not’ve been doing posting questionable things on his accounts (you really shouldn’t’ve given him one,,)

and so to fix the problem created to solve a problem, you decided to take it into your own hands.

popping out all the drawing supplies you’ve ever had, you began to doodle anything and everything, every day. and each one, you’d show it off to yoshimoto like a child to their parent.

and each time, he still looks at them so lovingly, no matter if it could hypothetically be classified as chicken scratches. as long as you make it, in his mind, it’ll be something worth cherished for.

but your strong suit has always been stitching, so you start a lot of projects of art on clothing. it counts as the one above.

oh—you know those pretty cloth masks? you now have about 100 of these at least, courtesy to yoshimoto.

[meowlayn-art]

You're really great at piano! May I ask you some question? I played piano for three years and then leave the lesson and continue by myself, but I'm not that good at it. Also, I'm not that big practicer(?) so what I want, miracles? Btw, how you get inspired? Have you ever had an "music block"? What kind of method of practice do you use? Thank you for your time! 🍀

♪ Hello dear pianist Anon !  ♫

Thank you for reaching out ! Although I am afraid I never posted a video of myself playing piano so you are giving me credit for something I can’t prove ( ´ ▽ ` ) (I was fairly good back in the days but not that much anymore haha).

I think you are referring to this post though, where I explained I got a new piano after stopping playing for a few years, and I was planning on learning MLQC”s theme. The video you saw, as I mentioned in the post, is a video by FlowerEmblem, who performed the MLQC theme (not me) beautifully and gave a link to the piano sheets in her description. If you enjoyed the performance please consider giving her a thumbs up and a nice comment on her Youtube channel  (o´��`o)ﾉ

NOW. I could give you a few advices, because I played piano for 12 years, and I still remember a thing or two haha.

♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ ♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪ 

1) “ I am not good at it” : it can be hard to keep practicing when you don’t have a teacher to help and motivate you to do so. I know. I had a piano teacher and that’s what kept me motivated for years, but I learned ukulele all by myself, so I understand how someone can feel discouraged of not improving “fast enough”. But funny enough, you answered your own question, Anon : if you don’t practice… Then you won’t improve. No miracles indeed ! ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌ It goes for any craft, any skills.

My advice would be to pick one or two SIMPLE pieces you REALLY enjoy, and start with that. Don’t bite on more than you can chew ! Really, choose something simple and enjoyable and keep practicing until you feel comfortable to move on to a piece that is a little bit more complex. I truly started to enjoy playing piano when I looked for piano version of Naruto’s soundtracks ( Sadness and Sorrow will always be my all time favorite) and kept adding the difficulty with more and more complex pieces, little by little. Also, that’s my personal method, but I never moved on to another piece unless I truly ‘mastered’ the one I was learning – and by that I mean being able to play with nuances and by heart. 

2) Inspiration : movies I really enjoyed, songs that made me cry, video games with gorgeous soundtracks (FINAL FANTASYYY) and anime were my main source of inspiration.

Again, to keep yourself motivated, I would highly recommend melodies you are deeply attracted to, almost in a visceral way. Not only will you be able to recall the melody more easily and spot the mistakes you make along the way as you read the partition sheet, but it will also make the experience more enjoyable. After all, if you don’t have a teacher forcing you to play a specific piece then, you are free to choose whatever you like ! Remember : start with something simple, nice and enjoyable, with a repetitive melody (or at least something you know by heart) if possible.

3) Music block : yes, it happened. And it can also happen nowadays when drawing – that’s called art block and it SUCKS (ง ื▿ ื)ว My advice whenever you feel blocked (either because you are not inspired or because you are not satisfied with what you are currently doing) :

Try something new. Do small exercises. Try and learn some basic music theory. Have fun with silly sound effects if you have a digital piano/keyboard. Try a new genre – but always KEEP. IT. SIMPLE.

Feed your creativity : do ANYTHING ELSE than playing piano and let your brain do the rest. You’ll notice a nice soundtrack in this show here, a beautiful melody in this videogame there, a new song you really enjoy… As I said, my inspirations came from my day-to-day activities.

JUST TAKE A BREAK. Don’t force yourself. Inspiration won’t come if you are frustrated or exhausted. Just accept that it can take a few days/weeks/months to feel inspired again. If playing piano is not your job, then there is no need to rush things. Find something else to keep yourself busy and it will come back 😊

4) Practice : so I might not be the best person to answer this one because I am not a professional, and that’s the method that worked for ME.

I usually make sure I am sitting correctly, that my nails are cut short, my hands are correctly positioned above the keyboard, I don’t have jewels or hair bothering me…

And then I decipher the partition bits by bits, right hand first, then left hand. Once I am comfortable with BOTH, I put them together – I am not that great at reading and playing at the same time at first. I usually do small sessions (not more than 45min because after that reading the sheets feels exhausting). And I don’t decipher the whole partition in one go – I prefer to “master” small bits at a time especially for long pieces, so that I can feel a sense of accomplishment between sessions – also my brain keeps working between the sessions and will memorize the gestures easier if it rests. I have always been taught that its better to work a little bit everyday than to try and learn everything in one afternoon 😊

My very talented writer friend @truth-be-told-im-lying blog (18+ blog) is a professional pianist and I am sure she could have a few more advices to add to this but I leave it to her :D Also please check out this beautiful collab she did with the amazing @saeyoungs-sunflower, it gave me chills  ♡＼(￣▽￣)／♡

Thanks for you message Anon, I hope it was useful in some way !

[mellomedia]

Youth Culture

For Media & Society’s first blog post, our class watched Euphoria, Mid90s, Mean Girls, Kids, and The Breakfast Club. If you haven’t figured out the theme yet, it’s youth culture. Most of these films were set in the 80s and 90s before this current generation. This is the first generation where our lives are saturated by mobile technology and social media (Divecha, 2017). But no matter what generation, youth culture has many common behaviors, or misbehaviors.

Often when I watch a film or read a comic book, I wonder if I relate to the story or anyone in it. I looked for anything in common I might have with one of the characters in the five films we watched. I can identify with Ray from Mid90s the most. I’m not a die-hard skateboarder like Ray. In fact I can’t skateboard at all, but I dedicate all my time and energy into art and animation. While we have different interests, I can relate to Ray’s passion for something he enjoys and the energy he puts into it. Ray is the top skateboarder in his group and practiced every day. All my spare time is spent drawing and taking online animation courses. My goal is to always do better than what I did yesterday. Words to describe Ray would be the same way I describe myself: down to earth, not concerned with fitting in, my own person, caring, always willing to help, and a very loyal friend. When Stevie joins the skateboard crew in the film Mid90s, he finally digs up some money to buy Ruben’s old, used skateboard. Stevie gets injured while attempting an insane jump over a hole in a roof and breaks his skateboard. Ray sees how much Stevie is trying to fit in, no matter how many falls he takes, he gets back up. Ray has a big heart and builds Stevie a new skateboard. As I mentioned, I’m not a skateboarder, but I enjoy trying to make people smile with my art. I enjoy drawing a cartoon of a friend to help them to get out of a funk or just listen to whatever it is they are going through. 

These films all share a few common themes. One theme is belonging. I admit I looked up the term “fitting in” and it was compared to belonging. Fitting in is defined as to be like other people in a group – what they wear, how they act, how they look. (Pace, 2018) Belonging is a basic human need – it is about acceptance – being where you want to be and being where you are wanted (Pace, 2018). A few examples are Stevie (Mid90s) wants to be accepted into the skateboard crew; Brian (The Breakfast Club) brings a flare gun to school as a suicide attempt because he didn't feel he was good enough; and Cady (Mean Girls) is the new girl trying to get accepted by The Plastics.

My freshman year in high school definitely falls into the theme of belonging. I struggled with speech and have a learning disorder. And at the time I had zero confidence in socializing. I’d walk over to a group of kids in the cafeteria just to try to get involved in the conversation, but I couldn’t form sentences quick enough to jump in. I would be the weird kid just standing there. One day my speech therapist asked me what I wanted to improve and I told her I wanted to gain confidence in socializing. She told me the best way to do this would be to just try to talk to more people. Well in high school that worked with some kids, but not all. I’ll never forget one day in the cafeteria I was trying to find a place to sit and eat lunch. I saw an empty chair at a table where a ‘friend’ was sitting. The group was taking turns roasting one another. At one point another kid challenged me. I was doing fine until he said, “You know people are only nice to you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.” That hurt like hell. He was referring to my speech impairment. I got up from the table and walked away. And that ‘friend’ at the table didn’t defend me at all. One girl came running over to make sure I was alright. I was pissed and hurt. I was not alright. Just so you don’t think I went off the deep end and had a miserable high school experience, I actually gained a great friend in high school that day. Alex, who was a senior, saw me leave track practice early. My head just wasn’t into track, so I went to sit in the empty cafeteria hoping to clear my head. He asked how things were going and I told him what happened that day. He told me, “It’s not easy finding out who your real friends are. But don’t change for anyone and don’t try to be like anyone else. Just be you.” I’ll never forget how he took the time to talk to me. After his advice, I could care less about belonging.

Another common theme between all five films is rebellion. When they aren’t skateboarding, most of the characters in Mid90s spend their time partying, drinking, and doing drugs. In The Breakfast Club, each character is in detention because they rebelled in some way. Why else would they be in detention? Every character in Kids was a rebel, actually more like a criminal. I bet the writer of the film was too.

A third theme is “bro” culture. “Bro” culture is defined as people who are bullies but at the end of the day they have your back, like a brother (Sloothunter42, 2018). Two great examples of “bros” are John (The Breakfast Club) and Ian (Mid90s). Throughout The Breakfast Club, John constantly insults the other kids in detention. He even insults the principal. The group escapes detention to wander the hallways. When the principal sees them, John saves the group by telling them to go back to the library while he distracts the principal. This link shows you the scene I’m explaining: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Iq7MRlHg5I (Hughes, 1985). Not something you would have expected from a bully, but you would from a “bro.” In Mid90s, Stevie’s brother, Ian, beats the crap out of him every chance he gets. But when Stevie is laying in a hospital bed after a car accident, his brother is there by his side. He even shares his precious orange juice.

Now onto one of my favorite things in life, music! I put together a playlist that relates to my adolescent experience. In no particular order, here are 10 songs and what each means to me. But let me point out that some song lyrics mean something to me, while with other songs it was the energy it gives off. I’m all about positive energy. First song is “Mr. Blue Sky” by Electric Light Orchestra. I first heard this song during the movie Guardians of the Galaxy. This song kept me motivated and positive during high school. If I was having a bad day, this was my ‘go to’ song. I also listened to it every day on my way to school. Next is “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley, a.k.a. CeeLo Green. This song reminds me of my mind, imagination, and the stuff I think about. I always have a trillion things going on in my head. I guess that explains my poor focus skills and super procrastination. “Inner Ninja” by Classified is another upbeat song. A few lines that always stuck in my head are, “I find my inner strength and I re-up; Here we go, I know I've never been the smartest or wisest; But I realize what it takes; Never dwell in the dark cause the sun always rises.” My junior year of high school I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. It has and still is life-changing and as much as I don’t let it change who I am, I’m human. But as the song says, don’t dwell on the negative, look for the positive. I always remind myself of the positive. “Through the Fire and Flames” by DragonForce always fueled my brain when I was tired of doing homework or studying. To me the lyrics mean to keep moving forward no matter how difficult. Just look at what your goal is and don’t give up. Plus this song has one hell of a guitar solo that is very motivating. Michael Jackson is one of my favorite artists and “Man in the Mirror” reminds me how important it is to try to do good in the world and make a positive change. Regardless of culture, color, religion, and disability, we are all capable of making good changes in the world. I tried this on a much smaller scale in high school by volunteering at the food pantry and community events. “Clint Eastwood” by Gorillaz is one of many songs by this group that I like. It’s not so much the words I relate to, but I love the animation in their music videos. I remember the first time I saw one of their videos I thought how cool and mysterious it was that we only see the singers as cartoons. We are never shown who they really are. I like the fact that it’s different. Different is good in my world. “Intergalactic” by Beastie Boys reminds me of breakdancing and dancing in general. I love to dance and looked forward to every prom and homecoming dance at high school. “Without Me” by Eminem reminds me that no matter how much people criticize you, you can be very successful at what you enjoy doing. The last song on my list is “Take Me Out” by Franz Ferdinand. To be honest, I just like the beat of the song and it’s one of those songs I listened to over and over in high school.

So that wraps up my Youth Culture blog. I hope it gave you a better understanding of how I relate to the assigned films. But let me make one thing clear, I do not relate to anything in the film Kids. Not one thing.

Below is my self portrait of what goes through my mind. 

Artwork by: Marcello Laudato

[bluebutter-art]

i know this is gonna sound embarrassing and very stupid but how did you learn to draw so fucking beautiful?? like?? can you please give me some art tips because damn am i jealous rn

Hello! Okay first of all, it’s not embarrassing or stupid at all to ask for art tips! I’m very happy to help although I don’t think I’m the best person to go for art advice because I suck at giving it hahah. Please note that before I started drawing digitally, I already had some practice with traditional art. I started drawing from a young age, so I did have prior knowledge and skill before moving to digital. Whatever skill I had before, I just had to refine it-- which is why I think I progressed relatively faster as opposed to starting from scratch with digital.

However, please do not be discouraged if you’ve never done art before and think that you have to be good with traditional in order to master digital. I know a lot of people who started learning with digital first before venturing to traditional!

Another thing is, use multiple references! References really helps with lighting, colour and anatomy. Try not to trace though. I find that I improve a lot quicker when I don’t trace because my brain tends to remember how to draw them faster/better for the next time. Tbh I still struggle with this too and I’m guilty of tracing sometimes 🤷‍♀️

I also watch a lot of digital art and speed draws on youtube! Some of my faves to watch are:

1. Sara Tepes

2. Ergo Josh

3. Marco Bucci’s 10 Minutes To Better Painting Series 

This one is specifically for digital art, but I never forget to flip my canvas horizontally from time to time as I’m drawing. Sometimes our eyes get so used to our drawings that we only notice mistakes once we’ve flipped it.

Try to draw something that you love. Something that makes you eager to draw again and again and again. For me, I kept drawing drarry because it makes me giddy and excited at the thought of getting to draw them again for next time. It makes you look forward to drawing sessions. And sometimes, when the art ends up looking rubbish, I don’t easily get discourage. It sucks, yes, but I always get excited to start again, knowing I’m drawing the subject I love.

I know this one is probably the most boring advice, but practice, practice, practice! Keep drawing even if you think you didn’t get it right. Use it as a stepping stone to improve for the next time. Learn where you went wrong so you can avoid the same mistake for next time. Sometimes, I draw without the intention of posting it. That way, you can be as adventurous as you like and  won’t be afraid to make mistakes or having it end up looking bad. There are a lot of drawings that I only keep for myself just for the sake of practicing, and this is one of the things that helped me improve faster too.

And most importantly take breaks! I usually let my arts sit for a day or two after finishing, that way I could look at it with fresh eyes and see what I got wrong before posting it!

I hope this helps (you’re probably not expecting a whole ass essay lol but I can’t help myself). I know that it’s probably very vague but that’s because I, myself am still trying to improve as well.

As I’ve said before, I’m not the best at giving advice, so if any other artist out there would like to add in their own tips, that would be amazing 💖

Happy drawing! 💛💛

[marikaaajoy]

my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I’m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

[trying-write-fanfics]

Shouji Mezo X Reader part 57 Remember

 That couldn’t have been her. She said her full name to them. It was her no doubt about it, and she was real. It was terrifying to see her in the flesh. To have so much history with her but she had zero history with him. His phone rang again and he answered.

“Shouji, I should have told you…” Deku started. “She didn’t recognize me either.”

“Aizawa was right about keeping anyone from looking for her. It just was too much.” Shouji said.”Why didn’t you tell me she was there?”

“I thought if I did, you wouldn’t come.”

He was right, he’d avoid that university like the plague. Shouji does have a tender curiosity for Y/n’s well being but he didn’t want to meet a Y/n that didn’t remember him and he wasn’t going to stalk her. 

“I remember how happy you two were when you guys were together. She did a lot of questionable things, but you both seemed to really care for each other and I just thought if you two met again, you would make each other happy again, like that.” Midoriya explained. 

“Midoriya, she may be an entirely new person now.” Shouji said, but then he made his decision. “I’ll stay on the security squad.”

“What! Really?” 

“It would be awful if she got hurt again.” Shouji said. “But I’ll try and protect everyone at that gala.”

“Thank you Shouji!”

Shouji hung up and looked back at the hospital selfie they took when they had their official hospital date. There was probably never going to be a date like that again. Well he could only hope that he wouldn’t have a hospital date after his partner got burned to a crisp. 

 It was just his horror to talk to Y/n again, knowing he didn’t share the same history. He was a stranger to her. She held her hand out like it was their first meeting. It was like his insides were being torn from within, and he had to pretend it was nothing. 

Shouji called the club for a more in depth tour, where attacks could hide, sources of power, the whole nine yards. The president of the club said he would give the tour. 

 Shouji got there and was greeted by the president of the club. He explained he believes an opposing club could be the culprit. 

“Why would another club be out for this one?” Shouji asked. 

“Ever since (last name) was made my Vice President, she’s been able to bring in more club members with her personality. A lot of members were drawn to our club because of her outgoingness and that she could persuade freshmen at orientation why we were the best club. Because of this other clubs have suffered not having any new members, which means lack of funding for them and more for us.” The president explained. “I didn’t think I’d be able to save our dying club, but when Y/n joined we made it to nationals.”

Shouji wanted to avoid this topic. He was glad Y/n was ambitious and found some direction in her life. She was doing amazing like she always was going to be. No, what he worried about was hearing about the possibility of a love interest.

“She sounds amazing.” Shouji told the president.

“She intimidated you didn’t she?” The president asked. “She scared the hell out of me when we first met. She barked out orders from day one on how to improve our club.”

“Do you think the attacker is going to be after her specifically?” Shouji asked.

“I never really thought about it. I don’t know if they know (last name) is the reason for our club’s sudden popularity. You would think because she’s so loud.”

“It’s only a guess, but she could be the main target.” Shouji said. 

“Should I tell her? I don’t want to ruin her big night making her feel responsible for the threats.” The president asked. “But I also want her to be aware…”

“We probably should.” Though they were technically strangers now, he didn’t want her living in the dark. “But it is only a theory. I could be wrong.” Shouji told them.

“Here’s our club- and speak of the devil.” The president said as they opened the doors.

Y/n was in the lab, with a machine and computer beside her. She was conducting some sort of trial, that Shouji did not know. She was in a white lab coat, recording data. She turned to them as she heard the doors opened revealing she was wearing safety glasses.

“Oh hey, showing our security around?” Y/n asked the president.

“Yes, and what are you doing here? All our projects have been wrapped up for the moment.”

“Doing, my own projects. You get me, Mr. Tentacole, just because the assignment is complete, there is always more work to be done!” She sang. “You have your security missions, but you also catch bad guys!” she twirled in the lad.

“Please stop.” The president sighed. “Tentacole thinks you may be a target of the threats.”

“Me?” Y/n was surprised. “What did I do?” she got a little angry.

“It’s only a theory, but with the information we gathered we think another club suffered from lack of recruitment-” Shouji tried to explain.

“Oh because people wanted to hang out with me because I am one of the best scientists at this school, that I should get hurt and have my club’s work ruined all for something so childish!” She yelled.

 “It’s only a hypothesis L/n, no one said it’s your fault we’re being targeted at the gala.”

“Not only are we successful in our technical skills, and our decision making, but because we also have social skills, covering all our bases for talents a good club needs, I’m to blame because I excel at all three, I feel like.” She explained. “It just hurts that someone feels so intimidated by me. They want to crush my beautiful success, after everything I've been through.”

The president rolled his eyes, but Shouji’s interest piqued. Did she remember?

“If Deku or Tentacole agree to be your body guard or something will you settle down?” The president asked.

“No! I must find the darkness that hides behind cut up magazine threats, and strangle them with my bare hands because I control my own fate, success, destiny-” She was going on.

Was she really the same Y/n! It really seemed like it. 

“Its illegal to strangle someone.” The president told her.

“I have proof they were threatening me! Tentacole just a little strangle? You would understand right?” Y/n begged.

Her (colored) eyes were wide as she pleaded with everything in her heart to be allowed to beat the crap out of her attacker. Shouji turned his gaze away, fearing he might blow his cover of trying to only be the pro hero of security for this event, not a foggy memory.

“It’s only a theory you may be the target.” Shouji told her.

“Well that’s not a no.” She said.

Charming as ever. Voice as smooth as silk, and her soul always felt like she was on victory road. Except that short time she was at UA. The president sighed in annoyance at his extroverted counterpart that was able to fluster a pro-hero, especially one that is not known for being emotional. Being close with his vice president, he always saw things going easy for Y/n, she could charm just about any professor or sponsor, and ten minutes later get hammered with the sports teams, and never face any social consequences. But as he learned more about his counterpart, he saw that Y/n had a troubled past, that she was trying to overcome. With all his knowledge, he had to believe this cruise style life came from something science couldn’t explain, that there was balance trying to be restored.

“Well, I’ll be showing Tentacole the hall we’ll be in for the gala. We’ll leave you to your fun.” The president said taking Shouji out of the lab.

They began walking  across campus to get to the fancy hall that the university uses to host their most elegant dinner parties.

“I told you she is very intimidating like a snake!” The president huffed. “You just have to be firm with your no’s with her, because she will choke someone and I don’t know how the hero stuff works, but I can assume you can get in trouble.”

“You think she’ll choke someone?” Shouji asked.

“I’ve seen it! It starts out all cute, or she’s flinging insults, and she gives  a warning and goes through with it, every single time.” The president whined. “It was bad when the dean’s son liked her, because he didn’t know what the word no meant, let alone threats. She beat him with a chair, and she almost got expelled, but she was able to convince the sexual harassment case pretty far, and expose the dean for nepotism. I thought I was going to have to dissolve the club, and she turned it around.”

It all did sound like Y/n. She was still the same Y/n.

“She sounds pretty tough.” Shouji commented.

“It’s all in the element of surprise, or thats what I first thought. No one expected a physics major to ever go insane like her. But then when the rumors spread, people started challenging her, and she could whoop ass. She doesn’t remember, but I bet she had some martial arts training.”

“Why wouldn’t she remember that?”

The president realized they spoke too much.

“Keep this to yourself, but before L/n came to this university, she suffered from amnesia. The university almost didn’t accept her, but she took so many exams to prove she belonged. The martial arts is probably a muscle memory rather than a part of the brain that was affected.” The president said. “I felt bad because I also tried to find a way to deny her entry in the club, but she fought tooth and nail.”

So it all was true, she forgot them, there was no doubt, but knowing things were still difficult after losing her memories just made him ache. She was kept away from UA hoping to lessen the possible pain of remembering, but there were new obstacles always trying to stop her.

“That sounds awful.” Shouji said.

“I just assumed the school was giving her everything on a silver platter, and I wanted no part of it. Turns out I was part of one of her fights to belong in a space she is probably above.”

That night, Shouji decided to google Y/n. No social media, but achievements from school newspapers. With his pro hero perks, he was able to find the case of Y/n vs the dean’s son for assault and sexual harassment. There was no lie, chair and all. He then looked up the dean’s son, and found out that right after the case, he got married, which recently his wife committed suicide. Apparently she wanted to legally separate, but there was no suicide note found. That man may have not stopped his reign of terror, but at least Y/n was able to put some fear in him.