#the burnout really hit hard the past months

[kusakichan15]

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[nanowrimo]

50k is Overrated: NaNoWriMo from a Disabled Author's Perspective

While it’s great to reach 50,000 words, it should not be a measure of success! Being a successful writer can be different for everyone, especially if you’re disabled. NaNo participant Quinn Clark talks about their experiences participating in NaNo as a disabled writer and writing tips to keep in mind.

NaNoWriMo is the gold standard for adrenaline fueled productivity. Oh, the allure of telling all your friends you wrote 50,000 words in a month! No wonder we all get so excited each year.

But what happens when you have a disability which conflicts with the caffeine-bingeing, late-night-sprint lifestyle so associated with NaNo?

Here’s the secret: NaNoWriMo isn’t really about the 50k. It’s about progress — whatever that looks like to you. The path to 50k is just the most well-known version of NaNoWriMo: it’s less a hard-and-fast rule, and more a landmark to guide your writing journey.

I’m an author, and I’ve participated in NaNoWriMo every year for twelve years. I also have a disability called Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). CPTSD affects me in a variety of ways: dissociation, panic attacks, and a medley of unpredictable physical symptoms which make my day-to-day life difficult to navigate. As is true for countless disabled and/or neurodivergent writers, no matter how much I want to do everything at once, some days my functioning is reduced and I need time for rest, support, and recovery.

So, what does my NaNoWriMo success rate look like? Well, I’ve ‘won’ NaNoWriMo (hit the 50k words within November) seven times out of those twelve attempts, with a cumulative word count of 446,760 words.

“Oh, that’s terrible!” some of you may cry. “How have you lost so many times?”

“Man, I wish I could write that much,” others might lament. “How have you done NaNo every year for so long?”

I’ve had both of these responses from different writers before, and that fact reveals something important. Your writing process is a unique and personal thing, and it won’t always be compatible with other people’s standards. Here’s a question:

Does the 1k someone writes for one NaNoWriMo matter less than the 50k they wrote for another?

Of course not. Everyday, we wake up to our social media feeds glutted with success stories and the pervasive idea that burnout is the path to success. This notion is incompatible with disability and neurodiversity, and is therefore inaccessible. While this style of breakneck working is great for meeting your short-term goals, it is awful for consistent, meaningful progress — and even more so for your well-being. Forcing yourself to write when you’re fatigued, nauseous, exhausted, dissociated and/or depressed is a sure-fire way to associate writing with punishment, rather than joy and weirdness and creativity. Yes, many of us enjoy writing when we’re feeling bad as a form of escapism — but foregoing self-care in the name of hitting arbitrary word targets is unhealthy, and is not in the spirit of NaNoWriMo. No matter how many words you make yourself write, if you are suffering to get them down, your writing will suffer alongside you.

…So how do we win?

Don’t worry — it’s not all doom and gloom. You deserve to take care of yourself, whether you’re writing or not. Here are some tips for making NaNoWriMo a disability-friendly experience:

1. Listen to your body and brain now, not later.

Many of us are guilty of this (I’m looking at you, fellow neurodivergent writers!): pushing past the need to eat, or drink, or use the bathroom because you ‘need’ to hit today’s target. Perhaps you’re deep in hyperfocus, or are feeling guilty for taking yesterday off because you couldn’t get out of bed. That’s okay — don’t beat yourself up! Remember to treat accountability for your needs the same way you treat accountability for your writing. Listen to what your brain and body are trying to tell you: NaNoWriMo, or any similar project, is not more important than your well-being. Take that nap, grab that snack, and spend the day bundled in bed if you need to. A burnt-out writer will just start to hate the writing process. I promise you start responding to your own needs, your desire to write will gradually return. After all, writers find it impossible to stay away from the craft!

2. Commiserate with others.

There is great power in sharing your experiences. For years I kept quiet about my mental health struggles, thinking that if people knew about my condition, I wouldn’t be seen as a ‘real’ writer. But something magical happened the first time I spoke to a friend about my disability affecting my writing: they felt able to open up too. Being honest about your bad days in a way which is comfortable for you is a magnificent vulnerability. You humanise yourself in the eyes of others, and in turn are humbled by the strength of your fellow writers. Regardless of diagnosis, label or background, the human desire to be understood and validated is incredibly valuable. You may find that talking helps make your writing journey a good bit lighter.

3. Allow yourself to fail.

‘Failure’is an acidic word to writers — but it doesn’t need to be. You are not a failure because you didn’t reach a goal. You are not a failure because you changed plans. You are not a failure because you are sick, or tired, or working on a different schedule. All those NaNos I did where I didn’t hit the 50k are still so important: one sentence, one word, one idea is still better than nothing at all. You don’t need to plot every missed deadline or ‘unproductive’ work day against a graph of your own self-worth. Be proud of your achievements, and look to the next challenge — whatever that may be.

Good luck to you all on your writing journeys! And the next time you start down that self-flagellating hate-spiral for needing a couple hours off, remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t write as an empty writer.

Quinn Clark is an award-winning author, poet and researcher from the North East of England. A fan of unfiction, folklore and etymology, Quinn weaves narratives of trauma with fantastical characters to provide an insight into the misunderstood experiences of disability.Quinn has a children's colouring book commissioned by Ladybird Books due for publication next year, and is working on their ACE-funded debut novel: the science fiction-fantasy romp Out of Your Depth, following an exhausted scientist who gains the ability to transform into an octopus. You can learn more about their work on their website (https://quinnclark.co.uk), or over on their Twitter (@adashofseaglass). They also have an essay in Kat Brown's upcoming Unbound publication, 'No One Talks About This Stuff'. Photo by Keren Fedida on Unsplash

[swollenbabyfat]

so maybe this is too out there of a question but you seem to draw a lot so i was wondering.... how? asking from a place where I used to draw a ton but had a burnout from it that i don't think i ever really recovered from, now im barely drawing and i feel like my skills are decaying but i just can't get myself to draw, and when i do i can't make anything i like and i just get frustrated ): i want to draw, i still have that urge in me to draw but i just. can't. do you have any advice? if not you can just ignore this ask.

Hmm....I will try my best to give a few ideas to help! But ultimately, I don't have a lot of interest outside of drawing to be honest (to the point I can argue in the past it's been unhealthy), I think a lot of it has to do with being autistic and it being my special interest, and I've always had a pretty high stamina from it, so I'm kind of bad to be compared to in a way I think ^^;

A few things though

-I have projects I work on, even if loosely, basically at all times. I consider my characters stories projects, and do a lot of work surrounding them outside of art that fuels the art - such as making mood boards, writing and talking about them, making playlist, stuff like that.

-If I feel burnt out in one area of art, i.e. character illustrations, I try to do something different, such as background focused work, or doing something outside of what I would normally do, like collage.

-I'm a really big advocate for studies to get out of burn out, and it's most likely what I will do to get out of one myself. Switching mindsets keeps things from getting monotonous, and can put your brain into a different gear which makes it easier to be creative in what you want it to be. Timed figure drawings can also be fun once you break through the "oh god I'm shit at this" feelings when you first start doing them.

-Drawing for others can be really nice sometimes, whether it be through art trades or drawing shit for your loved ones. I tend to do the latter one the most when I feel burnt out from my own work, and like to talk about their oc's a lot anyways, so it's fun to get to know their characters more through art. I use to also do art parties with my friends and do things like switching canvases every ten minutes, all working on one prompt but doing our own thing, stuff like that. In a similar vein, sometimes asking your friends for prompts can be helpful, think of it as an assignment of sorts if that works for you!

-Figure out WHAT you want to draw before you sit down and draw it. There's a lot of different ways to do this, a lot of time if I feel stuck unable to do work I'll look for visual references and make a mood board, or think about themes I've been wanting to explore and ponder on that for some times, a lot of times pieces will sit in my head for a month or so before I actually tackle them. Sometimes I'll go to my inspiration blog and hit the random button a few times and take the images I get from that and try to build something with it. If you feel stuck on a certain part of a piece, break it down further by doing a study of what's getting you stuck (if it has to do with form, I suggest tracing said thing and then practice drawing it yourself afterwards).

Overall, please don't beat yourself up, artist go through cycles of growth and slumber and sometimes you just have to rest, especially if you have outside factors making it hard for you to focus on drawing. It takes a lot for art skills to degrade and even if it were to be the case there's a lot of beauty in picking back up a skill, and sometimes you can even learn it better the second time.

I hope any of this was helpful, I'm rooting for you!

[tennythemany]

The Talk

Alright I've been dodging the topic for months now, and I did make this tumblr account to vent it out, but let's talk about why I've stopped posting on the tenpenny account

• Burnout, Identity, Elves vs Ducks

The slow but insidious reason. I've been gposing for about 2 years when I stopped in Feb, and I've been rummaging through my glam dresser everyday to make new outfits for my Elezen. It's what I started gposing for (making cute elf glams), and why I continue to play the game.

But sometime in 2022, that changed. Tried anam for the first time. Started making my own poses. Then I got a hit post. I saw more likes and views. I saw growth, and then I got ambitious. I tried making bigger posts, I read tutorials, I leveraged on my years of knowledge on memes, and I. Made. Memes. That's when things really took off.

That's also around the time I started noticing something. If I put the duck in my posts, I'd get more likes on that post. The duck became a recurring character in my posts. But then people started caring more about the duck than the elf, replies became more about the duck, and that was something I *really* didn't want. People wanted to see the duck. I put it in when I was having a hard time coming up with new ideas. Watch the duck post get more likes than the elf posts. Watch my heart sink.

While gposing would never not be fun for me, at some point I felt like I was posting more for likes than for myself. That feeling never really went away, and so it stayed long past Feb 2023

• The GShade incident

Y'all may remember a little incident at the start of 2023 that got the ffxiv community very plus not-good mad. Not going into details, but a small outcome of that incident resulted in some tangentially related creators to be lumped into that mess.

People wanted blood, and the creators basically got cancelled out of existence along with GShade's creator. Somewhere in that firing line, someone I supported and admired was targeted, and through some *very* shallow accusations, they were hit too.

(And no, I won't be naming anyone)

That event made me realize two very important things:

Years of goodwill and hard work can be undone in a single week if people believe you to be evil

I fucking hate X (formerly twitter)

So that was it. I didn't want to continuing doing something that can forever undermine my work in the heat of the moment, and I've developed a newfound hate for twitter and the mob justice the site perpetuated.

So I left.

(But just the main account, I do whatever I want on Tenny)

• Making a joke is hard when you're sad

So most of you might know me for my memes. A large part of me is driven by the positive reception you've given me, and I'll be eternally grateful for all your support, but that changed when all the above happened.

I've been agonizing over how I feel about all this, and scrolling through X (formerly twitter) just made me feel worse. I couldn't wring a good joke out of me. I couldn't make other people laugh when I couldn't make myself laugh. I didn't *want* to make when some of the people involved were my followers either.

So I stopped.

• The ever creeping shadow of age

I'm 34 this year. I've spent a lot of time on FFXIV, and to be honest, not much else. I don't have a significant other, and I don't do anything but play video games and occasionally hang out with friends for tabletop games. I've got a few projects outside of gposing, but they've been dead in the water for years.

Gposing and making memes take time. It's about 2-3 hours on average to make one, and that's if I already have a set piece ready. It's another hour to look around locations in-game, or who knows how many hours if I'm building my own. Because of work, that sometimes means I have to gpose late at night. Because of gaming, that means I *always* have to gpose late at night. I've been gposing late till 1-3am consistently in 2022, and my sleep schedule is all out of whack because of it.

I *really* don't want gposing to be my legacy.

Gposing comes to me at an opportunity cost. I've still got a few good years left in me, but at some point I need to start thinking about what I want to do, be it saving for retirement, pursuing a passion I've been putting off, or just any plan for the future at all. Maybe I'll finally put my gamedev knowledge to use, maybe I'll delve into the VR scene, maybe I'll learn how to make videos like the young me always wanted to.

But that meant I need to put less time into gposing.

So, the events of the points above was a good opportunity for me to suspend my activities and give myself some time to think about what I want to do in the future. It was clear I needed a break, and I needed a clear head to think things through. Come up with my five-year plan, so to speak. I'm thinking hard about what I want to do in the future.

I'm thinking real hard.

*Real* hard.

(Don't look at my playtime for Armored Core 6)

• Wow, video games are becoming really fun

I don't doubt ffxiv will be my forever game, and I'm glad YoshiP and team have made it so you don't have to play everyday, but holy hell have you seen how many good games have come out over the last 6 years I can't be playing ffxiv all the time you can't make me

Ehem.

Before gposing, video games will always be my main hobby. I have a vested interest in where video games are going, and ho boy are they getting interesting. I can't keep up with all the new terms we're coming up for them, from systemic games to survivor-likes, to Genshin clones being a thing. It's just an ever-changing landscape.

VR gaming is real, we're actually getting a full game from full-priced games, you don't even need to buy individual games anymore, you can play them on a game streaming service, and it's easier to make your own games now more than ever.

Just, wow.

I'd really like to experience all that for myself, so for the past 7 months, I've been playing other games.

A *lot* of other games.

And the biggest thing I've learned through all that is there's a vast and much wider world out there than just the ffxiv community and oh my god what the fuck is the gaming community outside of ffxiv why is it so toxic i can't even-

I'll still be playing ffxiv. Just a lot less. Some things are just irreplacable, y'know?

So there, if you've been wondering where I've been (or where all the memes are), that's the long and long of it. Thanks for reading, and I hope that gives you a sense of where I'm at. Hopefully that covers everything, so-

• CRIPPLING IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Oh yeah, that.

Wow, I don't know how to tell you guys this, but I am inside a self-deprecating piece of shit who when exposed to other people's work would inadvertently compare myself to them and conclude that "wow, I'm garbage".

It's no secret that I have had no formal art training, or even photography training, or even gposing training if that's a thing, a lot of what I do is self-taught. Just years of trial and error, and mimicking scenes from shows or comic panels I've seen, but I don't have any technical knowledge to know if a picture is 'right' or not. Color theory is completely alien to me before I started learning about them, I was gposing with a blue light filter so everything looked yellow on my end. I don't use mods, so I had to rely on the default models for everything I do. Let's not even talk about photoshop.

And over the years, I've been looking for gpose communities to share my work and see what other people are cooking up. I see it all. Better composition, better colors, better post processing, better poses, better backgrounds, better editing, better...everything. In my mind, everything just looks better than anything I could have done. I know I shouldn't let that get to me, but, y'know

So part of me wanted a smaller audience, somewhere I could curl up in without needing to think to myself 'oh god 3000 people are going to see this post' and think insane things like 'this isn't a 100-likes post' or whatnot. Creator thoughts. Insane thoughts. It was driving me insane.

Some part of me just wanted to post elves. The other part wouldn't 'just' let me post elves. It had to live up to what I've done before, it had to be perfect.

Now I just want to post elves.

• Final (fantasy) thoughts

So barring that last point, that's the thick and thin of it. If you read this far, then wow maybe my composition skills haven't fallen off a cliff just yet. Thank you for reading my jumbled stream of consciousness, and while Tenpenny might not be around anymore, Tenny's always around to talk about elves.

This is me, this post is about why Tenpenny is dead, and this is why I've stepped away from making memes regularly, and content creation in general.

Elezen cute.

.

.

.

Also FUCK the X (formerly Twitter) word limit, I've always hated it omg

[mokutone]

I'm drawing Kakashi for the first time (as much as I love them, I rarely ever draw naruto characters so this is a little fun and new for me) and I'm struggling a little bc I'm trying to draw him relaxed, reclining with pakkun (in the way I recline with my cat) and I'm realizing there's something so personal abt drawing him in such a vulnerable pose ig. Like? I'm very tired too rn so maybe I'm being extra emotional and rambly but there are so few scenes of kakashi in canon where he's not wearing the jounin vest, where he's alone and relaxed and out of uniform. And I didn't realize it until I was trying to think back to other similar scenes and there really weren't any. and I'm kind of mesmerized by how you draw him because you capture that so so well, your art is gorgeous but it's also so real and expressive in a way that shows a lot of practice and a lot of love. Idk i think I've said this before and I'm sorry if it's annoying that I'm saying it again (I'll just shut up after this lol) but I went to an art school and I had massive burnout and only really started drawing again in the past 6 months and you were one of my inspirations 2 start drawing again and I'm still not as good as I'd like to be but I draw so much more now and having an actual passion for art has led to a huge improvement, so thank you and thank u for bearing with me and my sleep-deprived rambles. I think my original point got sidetracked. I forgot why i started writing this ask.

dkgjhsdgkjdshg no i think you're 100% right abt the kakashi relaxed thing, even when we see him "relaxed" he doesn't ever really Look relaxed. like

here he is chilling out in the hot springs. this man does not look relaxed but he DOES look exhausted and maybe a little like he's gotten lost. somebody help this confused man find the exit.

anyway art + motivation talk beneath the cut

djhsdkjghsdkjhg thank u for all the compliments abt my art, i do work really hard in order to draw expressive characters, and spend a lot of time paying attention to how the small details in posture and expression change how the character comes across, and im glad it pays off!

also yeah no, similarly, once i left art school (when the pandemic hit) i did have a good 6 months where i did not pick up the pencil even once, and like, usually i feel rlly bad or guilty when i'm not drawing, but my burnout was real bad and i was straight up angry abt everything dgkjhsdgkjh so i just...didn't draw for like 6 months. i didn't even feel bad about it bc i was too busy being angry

and i had a bad relationship with art at the time and eventually realized i kind of had to like? make a different relationship with art—like, try to stop seeing art as something which gave me fundamental worth as a human being, or part of who i am? you know? that's a LOT of pressure to put on just...something that i do. if i took that kind of approach to literally any other task in my life, i'd never do it. imagine thinking that the way and style with which you descend the stairs gives you your worth as a person and if you don't do it exactly right then it means you're worthless as a person? buddy i'd just find a way to go down and out through the window LMAO

i think this is the thing which gives a lot of people burnout, it's exhausting to be constantly working on something and ALSO believe that if you fuck it up even a little, it's because you are the fuckup, and a fundamental failure of a person. god thats so much pressure.

anyway so i decided to make a naruto art blog because i don't even like naruto That Much but my best friend had been trying to get me into it for years (ty kate ilu kate), and so any art that i made would be purely for fun, wouldn't have anything to do with my self worth, and might make kate laugh too, and that's why this blog exists! and taking the pressure off of creating art like that has been enormously helpful to my mental health and my ability to create, also i take breaks alllllll the time, i'm like...way healthier about my art thanks to that, and also just...a nicer person, i think? anyway i'm very glad that i inspired you to get back into art but i'm far more glad that you've found a passion for it, cultivating that passion and joy is so important

[system-of-a-feather]

(Rambling on our System Dynamics)

It's kind of funny to say, but our system literally isn't doing any targetted system / DID work in therapy and havent since like, November 2022. Having hit functional multiplicity and having established an incredibly self reliant and internally strong dynamic with one another, we really have no need to specifically work ON our DID and rather just need to work WITHIN our DID. Our current (and technically old) therapist is trained in dissociation, but compared to our previous therapist who was a dedicated specialist, he is far more generalized and better for helping us in life and so that is what we've been doing for the past eight months.

Beyond context of the side fact that we live "as multiple people" and have a unique way of having to navigate our mental health and life as being many parts, we really don't think, talk or work specifically on DID and its really not something we really actively consider with how much of it just "is" part of our life.

We still do have PTSD and all, but a lot of the shit we've been through has been satiated or honestly healed over that we don't regularly have large scale symptoms unless we specifically sit on it. We are much more concerned with our day to day life, gender shit, adjusting to full-fledged full-time adulthood and figuring out what we want to do with our fully fledged and finally free wingspan that all of the DID stuff is feels a lot like talking about living as a brunette or some shit.

Honestly a lot of it stems to just kind of going back to square one with DID and going back to really just.... not fixating so much on the details of it and learning to be comfortable focusing on day to day life as your various selves and leave the internal shit to whatever goes on there, cause honestly - you lived and survived not knowing of it or not being overtly / constantly aware of it before figuring it out, and while it is important to approach it in the right way because often back then there were issues that could be addressed, you can go back to just living life and letting the DID exist in and around it - it just takes a lot of learning to self trust

Like I'm pretty sure its apparent from this blog, but all of us just kind of exist and do our own thing and while its undeniable that we have DID (I mean look at Riku and I) and that is obvious and overt in this blog, we aren't really frequently too hung up on the "Oh wow" and "Oh no"s of DID.

Like yeah we probably have a butt fuck ton of trauma holders and fragments we aren't aware of, yeah we have a whole side system probably that we don't know of, but they are both 1) dormant and 2) something our system can very easily handle and deal with regardless of how bad it is because the parts that keep an eye on those parts are chill and we have a way of doing things and experience of doing things that just work.

We also have basically thrown out most role labels save for Host, Gatekeeper, and Trauma Holder unless its for communications sake cause those are the only real big information defining terms really. Riku and I play roles as large caretakers and protectors as do almost every part because thats kinda just how we've fostered trust and care with one another.

It's not really a "role" anymore to be a caretaker or a protector cause its not a job or anything anyone is assigned to do or anything. We don't protect or care for eachother as an internalized job or function or anything, we do it cause we can and someone we care about needs it.

The labels really just don't make sense for us at this point anymore and honestly, in hindsight, I think they pushed a sense of learned helplessness for Riku and other "protected" parts and pushed burnout for the parts doing the protecting (also Riku ironically)

Riku doesn't need protecting anymore than anyone else on a day to day and when they do need protecting, they don't need it in any unique manner than anyone else in a hard time. I don't need someone coddling my emotions and telling me what I feel and comforting me on a day to day more than the average person, and when I do need some emotional support - it again isn't anymore than any other person who needs help in a hard time.

Likewise Lucille isn't someone who doesn't need someone to watch his back and protect him sometimes cause he isn't this special diety that can fix everything, he's a guy and thus why he has Ray covering his back. Ray is our FBI agent Omnipotent God Gatekeeper and he likes to look like he can fix everything but its a fucking meme in the system how the dude is always like one precise poke away from being a mess which is why Lucille has to cover his back.

Like everyone in this system is Just A Guy even if they aren't Just A Guy cause we are all fucking stupid and amazing in extreme and astounding ways. All of us are stupid on our own and need care and protecting from time to time in unique ways and the COOL thing is that we are all stupid in different ways so theres always someone to cover for the other.

We long long long since threw out primary protector, that hierarchy was stupid and led to conflicts with Aderis and Lucille. Then we just threw out caretaker and protector cause everyone is one.

Like honestly, I feel a lot of those roles add social status and class to a system which - if you know me - I fucking hate that shit and I think we should all just give what we can and take what we need as we need it. Assigning anything but the bare necessities that serve to describe unique responsibilities FOR the whole is just a lot of excess and extra shit.

Host - A leading part that fronts regularly and is responsible for guiding the system to a life that is good for the whole

Important due to the fact that his takes up a lot of energy and time and limits the amount of internal attention can be put to the system + lack of "RAM" to actually juggling the deep intricacies of DID; Designated Leading Role

Gatekeeper - A part responsible for Information TM

Important because they Do Things and Manage Things and are the Things tying the system together to keep shit stable

Trauma Holder - Not actually a role but a notation label to notate a part that needs particular consideration when being interacted with - similar to a "disability" label

Important because this label distinguishes parts that need special accommodation beyond the reflexive base line and would benefit from having a mentor to go to when trying to learn to reintegrate back into life and develop themselves beyond their trauma

And for the record - since someone might look at our definition for trauma holder and compare it to us saying that no part has unique need to be cared for or protected in our system - "trauma holder" does not inherently mean "need to be protected and cared for" - I'm a trauma holder and that's not a label I've outgrown despite also being a 'mentor' (anyone who hangs around a trauma holder in a dynamic where they might be a mentor - this is not a permanent role) role for other trauma holders. It means that other parts need to make accommodations for me to help enable me to do my best job and work in the system which those accommodations primarily are minding my triggers. Same thing applies for Aderis who is an "Elder" (I guess that's a "role" we use, but its more so a nickname for the parts that have a lot of experience as old-in-day protectors that have been around for a while).

[starrydixon]

Heyyy...

I just want to apologize for how MIA I've been for the past few months! I know this post isn't related to most of the tags I've added (trust me I know how annoying that it) but I'm in need of some writing advice/help! 😩 So below the cut is a bit of an explanation of what I've been up to and where I’ve been writing wise <3

Everything kinda snowballed out of control when I started to get really bad writers block. Then I got covid (for the first time 🙃). Then another wave of writer's block/low motivation hit, and now I'm dealing with severe burnout.

Currently, I've been working on a request (slowly), and I feel horrible for how long it's been taking me to finish!!

I think a major reason as to why I'm having such a hard time writing at the moment is because I've been working over 40+ hours a week lately and the job in general just drains me mentally and physically after every shift. I love my job but it's just so hard to do anything except sleep and work. 😭

I really want this burnout to end, and I'm thinking that a way to do that is to write some short stories by using prompts for a little while?? I haven't really figured it out yet but I miss writing and creating so much!! 🥺

If you guys have any advice for me, want to submit prompts, quotes or themes to create drabbles with, or have any opinions about the potential drabbles, please let me know!! My inbox and private messages are always open!!

Thank you for understanding and for being patient with me, I love you guys so much!!💗❤️

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph! Any advice to a person on reader's block? I wanna read a lot of fanfics, but I'm like... stuck :/

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Honestly? For me I either switch fandoms or go back to old favourite fics. That's it. That's why I read SO many alternate fandom fics the past couple years, simply because reading Sherlock fics, for me, felt like a chore for awhile since I have to keep meticulous track of what's in a story and how it will be filed on my blog rather than enjoy the content of the story first-time-around. It seems to have gotten better now that I took a bit of a semi-hiatus from NEW Johnlock fics, but honestly, for me, swapping fandoms OR re-reading an old fic takes away that obligation / job of fic filing, for ME.

For you, it just might be fandom fatigue, so going back to some old stuff you KNOW you enjoyed, or fics for fandoms that you really like but never thought about reading more about is exciting. NOW I'm NOT implying that the current fandom you're reading in just suddenly got bad, NO, not at all!! I LOVE and adore all our fandom authors. But sometimes immersing yourself in a different setting HELPS.

For instance, the past two years I've been alternating between Johnlock and MCU/Sci-Fi/Fantasy fandoms, with different characters and relationships with their own dynamic that's ALMOST-BUT-NOT-QUITE Johnlockian. For ME, reading a new Johnlock fic IS a job, BECAUSE I have to file it at the end, and it's easier for me to tag-as-I-go. Then I swap over to a Red Dwarf fic with a whole different universe.

AS I SAID, it's completely different for me, and I HAVE to take the break between new fics so I don't get burnt out again. Sometimes I'll re-read a recently read fic and really enjoy it, able to take it all in. But yeah, in all my years doing this, my advice is this if you're having reading burnout or reader's block:

Take a break, eat, and do some other mind-engaging stuff instead, like puzzles. I love doing Fill-In Puzzles.

Swap fandoms, maybe go back to one you enjoyed as a kid, or are lurking on the outskirts in. After, try reading the fandom you primarily stick to again, and if it's not hitting you yet, go back to another fandom. YOU ARE NOT FORCED TO STAY IN ONE FANDOM. I had a hard time accepting this, LOL. I felt like I was betraying my Lovelies by reading other fandoms, but now it only helps me reset my brain for a new fic :)

Try reading a published work! Go to your local library and just see what they have, and check out a book. Sometimes there's a LOT of joy in just... reading from a physical book.

Re-read a fic you know you love. I do this a lot, and ALWAYS have, as "palate cleansers" between stories. For me, if I read too many new fics in a row, I get the plot lines confused, so re-reading a fic helps my brain sub-consciously process the last story I read. You'd be surprised how much this helps.

If you're not enjoying a fic, stop reading it, and read an old fave. Fiction is subjective, and not everyone is going to enjoy the same things. I used to force my way through fics I knew I wasn't even going to bookmark, and one day I just finally said "why? this story is upsetting me". Again, "cleanse the palate" with an old fave to reset the brain, and start again with something else.

And finally, it's OKAY if you just simply lost interest in reading. Your brain needs resetting sometimes, and just... if it takes days, months or years to get back into it, it's OKAY. I know what it's like to REALLY want to read something, but not being physically able to do it. Take a week off of reading, and get back into it. In my case I just listen to music instead since most of my reading is done either in bed or on the bus, so yeah, just a total zone-out for a week is all you may need.

I hope this helps a little bit, and I'm sorry if it doesn't. If anyone has any of their own tips to breaking that reading block, let me know! <3

[kosmos-drifter]

Hey, i don't make posts like this like, ever. I rarely come on here. But tbh, im kinda desperate. I don't wanna make this a long drawn out post so i'll try and be quick. I'm a content creator, a streamer to be specific. I've been working p hard at becoming affiliate on twitch. I stream 100+ hours a week, i have the amount of followers, and i stream way more than 7 days in a 30 day period. The only notch i haven't knocked off the affiliate requirement is viewers. You need an average of 3, mine shifts from 1.83-2.51. I've started posting frequently on my social medias i use for twitch (twitter and tiktok) and my viewers were going up, i believe if i keep it up i can become affiliate by the end of the month.

The problem is i can't stream anymore.

My internet has gone out and i need that in order to work. I'm autistic and heavily PTSD riddled so working in corporate and (gods forbid) customer service truthfully fucks up my psyche. I wont go in details but it gets really bad, beyond even severe burnout. I've worked hard on being happy and finding myself, i wanna build community and change corrupt systems. You need money to do that. Which i wanna make myself and the best way i've found is through twitch. I'm not unwilling to get a more conventional job if i have to, but its the last thing i want to do. I'm hoping through mutual aid i can pay off my internet and get back to working towards my goals. To get to the point, my internet is $218.92. I know that's a lot for an internet bill, but i havent been able to pay it for the past 2 months. I hit a really hard time financially a little bit ago and im trying to work my way out of it. My cashapp is $Kosmos69

Asking for mutual aid is my last line. I don't have a support group so im hoping i could get some help from y'all. If i get even half of what ik asking i could get my internet back. Thank you to anyone who reads, reblogs, and helps. The place I'm using to get internet now is closing and this post is too long, so i'll leave it at that.

[sometipsygnostalgic]

i think i have hit full burnout.

i dont think ive fixated so hard on just one character before (well two to three if you count Catra and Glimmer), and on a series that short. it’s a lot of fun. but shera fandom is actually even quieter now than it was six months ago, so sources of inspiration have dried up. ao3 kept me going for a while but it seems most people whose stories i was following have walked away. checking it now just leads to frustration. so i think doing what i did with homestuck and taking a step back would be better than making a full break away like i did with adventure time (twice).  

i would say “expect a new fandom on the horizon” but usually my interim fandoms are video games and i have not been able to complete a videogame since mh world last year, only deltarune ch2 and only once.  hell, has anyone gotten obsessed with new games released in the past year? i did complete arceus legends but i didnt spend 100 hours on it or anything.  

dunno what to do because the pandemic has broken my brain. but i dont really want suggestions of what i should do. if you tell me to read something or watch something, i’m going to throw your suggestion in the dumpster, no offense. i just want to know if any of you have been able to get addicted to videogames recently and what those are. 

[tenelkadjowrites]

just wanted to say your reasoning behind writing almost exclusively for hwa is very relatable. i don't write, but i can't bring myself to read a fic about any other member. in the past i reviewed a few skz fics for a friend, and sometimes still do it for atz, but it's less for pleasure and more because i just wanna help people or someone asked for my opinion. i just don't see any other member or any other idol actually that way. hwa just hits different lol. i recently started a really good fic a lot of people recommended (it was a bts one), because it sounded very interesting, but i kept imagining seonghwa and it felt strange, but my brain just autoreplaced the member with hwa.

i remember reading we ransacked the city, i really enjoy that one, but ngl it was a bit hard to read smut with hongjoong, he's a pretty and hot guy and my other bias in atz, but i'm just not into him the way i'm into seonghwa, y'know? i'm barely into men anyways, so maybe that's why jkcjckvkcdnjddjshdjv.

i don't write but i do art and honestly whenever i start drawing i end up with seonghwa, it's a bit annoying sometimes, because i plan on drawing someone else, but the final product is SEONGHWA 😅 he's my muse as well. the chokehold he has on us, istg, what a guuuuuuy.

i started writing these fics just on the cusp of my bias switching from hongjoong to seonghwa which you can kinda see in the masterlist especially when hwa appears in best friend's code which i hadn't really planned nor intended but he was wiggling into my head.

we ransacked the city felt kinda like the last breath before converting fully to losing my mind to hwa. (sidenote: it also is probably the ateez fic i am least pleased with. it didn't turn out the way i wanted, i don't think i nailed the vibe i was looking for, and i experienced burnout in writing it so it also mentally marks a different turning point in writing these fics.)

i think a lot of ppl are surprised when i say that even though i got into ateez at debut, hwa didn't become my bias until around fireworks/kingdom era. i originally assumed that after a few months i would be burnt out on writing about him (due to my adhd) but instead, it has just steadily grown with each passing month with no sign of stopping. seeing him irl at the concert only stoked the flames.

i'm bisexual and my attraction to men really ebbs and flows. for awhile now, it has been at a pretty low point minus seonghwa who is always just able to drive me absolutely insane lmao. while every member of ateez is stunning (mingi hit me hard live as i think he did the entire crowd honestly) something about seonghwa just...impacts me differently.

so yeah, you absolutely understand what it is like to sit down and want to create a piece and then it ends up being seonghwa AGAIN. i decided not to fight it and write what i want and if that means every single fic i write is hwa then so be it. if that means sometimes i write another member but i include hwa, that's just how it'll be. i've made my peace with it. the way i feel writing someone else vs hwa is night and day and i believe it reflects as such in the work because i've gotten a lot of comments and remarks on how the work feels when it is about hwa.

thank you for sending in such a wonderful ask! <3

[pretty-boys-book-club]

Quick update

As I’m sure you can tell from the lack of updates to my fics, I’ve been experiencing a severe writer’s block for the past few two or three months.

I don’t mean the type of writer’s block where I can’t think of nothing original, but the type of writer’s block where my mind flat out refuses to form a cohesive sentence any time I sit down to try and write.

And I’m sure it’s something that has happened for many of you. You hit a wall. You’re have no idea what to write about. You try to look at the same topic from another angle, but there’s something wrong that you can’t quite figure out and you don’t have the inspiration you had before to do so. So you stop writing for a day, two days, then a week, then a fortnight and suddenly there’s been months where you didn’t post anything new. So questions start to pop up, the most dreadful of all: is anyone reading what I’m writing anyhow?

I haven’t experienced something like this before and it’s honestly just really messing with my self esteem and my anxiety. And to be quite honest, it’s not just my fanfics. Lately I feel like it’s my entire life, as if I’m under-performing everywhere. To be completely honest with you, I’m struggling even to write this post, too. (You’ll probably find some typos. But writing this serves as an exercise for me right now in terms of just letting words flow). Overall, an activity I used to love and would come very easily to me feels extraneous and stressful at the moment, and I’m taking that as a sign that I just need to give myself some more time.

I struggled with burnout in the past, so I’ve pushed myself past my limit plenty of times and it’s left me mentally exhausted before and I don’t want a replay of that. I’m currently up for a promotion at work and trying to save as much money as I can for an upcoming trip with a couple of friends on November, so real life has been pretty demanding and stressful. I’m also currently facing a couple of health related issues (thankfully, none of them are quite serious) so I’ve been spending time going to my doctors office, seeing a nutritionist and working on my physical well being. I’ve been also working hard with my therapist on allowing myself to truly rest during my free time (I haven’t taken a vacation from work since the pandemic began) and being more present, so being alone in my room writing is not that beneficial to my healing at the moment. I get how writing can be therapeutic for many (and it has helped me tremendously over the years, don’t get me wrong) but currently I don’t feel like it’s beneficial for my mental health to spend long periods of time by myself or inside my own room. I hope you understand that.

So I’ve made the decision to extend my break from trying to write for an additional few weeks or even for a couple of months. I’m not exactly sure how long this will last, but I think it’s what’s best for me. I might publish something during this time but don’t expect any sort of consistency in terms of schedule or frequency. I’m hoping taking the pressure off my mind will help get the creative juices flowing and just be more mindful of my current limitations. I’ll be spending this time reblogging content that makes me happy, likely brainstorming what I want to do with this space, seeing my friends and family, trying to get back at reading books (a habit also lost due to mental exhaustion), prioritising my mental and physical health and, of course, rewatching Criminal Minds (which I still adore).

I’m sorry for being so absent lately and I hope you’re doing well. I feel grateful for all the loving interactions I’ve had on the Criminal Minds fandom and plan on continuing to interact with all the amazing people I’ve met.

Much love,

Cat

[asbestieos]

we used to be friends, way before, and like, wow, youve gone so far, proud of you

🥹🥹🥹 oh my goodness!! anon if youre who i think you are (i am somewhat confident in my silly hunch), im so happy to know youre still out there even if we dont talk anymore!!! admittedly i have the most terrible memory ever so i barely remember much of our time together (i wish i remembered more!! but as is, i cant even remember the last time i showered lmfao) but since its been such a long time, i hope its ok if i give you a Riley Life Update of the past.. two, three years? <- it feels like it has been longer than that 😭😭

2020!! i graduated!! i enrolled in school! i girlslayed hard! however due to World Events, i cant go to school in person and am relegated to online classes in my room </3 unfortunately im also in the deepest depths of my genshin phase and ran both my own And denver’s acc. sometimes i paid for her acc’s battlepass too it was bad DBDKBFJ

2021! girlslaying starting to fail from burnout and severe depression from being shut in! i passed my first semester exams with flying colors! i failed all but one of my second semester exams. also come january im both afflicted with covid and experiencing a bad bed bug infestation. #girlsuffering. i dropped out in the summer ^_^ this is when the terrible moodswings hit (i thought they were moodswings but as it turns out, i was incredibly emotionally unstable!! more on this later)

2022!! last year oh my gosh! denver and jasper/moth and i started talking about moving in together, which requires me to have money of course. so aprilish i get a job! i work at starbucks! i girlslay REALLY hard. i also start playing ensemble stars (the beginning of my curse……..). come july i had a massive breakdown and almost broke up with denver and our mutual friend group 👍 it was Bad bad.. but things worked out? <- this experience has led me to believe im probably a bpd haver becos of how wildly unstable i am. fun! crasy asf!

moving plans fall through as summer goes by, im still employed at my job, still havent gotten my license yet but it is ok i will get it soon, and come 2023, moving plans are back on!! hopefully will be seen-through ny the time summer comes…

tldr i have bpd, i dropped out and got a job, im gay a shit over idol bot gacha game, and by summer, ill hopefully be moved in with denver!! yeha those are the important updates! for me at least. randys in college now btw!!! in her sophomore year!! shes incredible truly! she lives on campus so i usually only see her once a month or so but shes literally awesome ^_^

very long update post and i made it all about me 💔 theres history between us that ive unfortunately forgotten and im sad that ive forgotten (then again i could always read back, but every time ive tried, ive only cringed at myself like OOGH is that me?? sickening) but im really glad to have gotten this anon!! if youre not the person i think you are thats okay and also i am sorry i assumed UEGEJVFDJF i needed this i think to try and reflect back on. the crazy ass time my newrly three years of adult life has been.. im 21 in july!!! crazy as hell!

i also hope the formatting is ok, i try to break up big paragraphs w/o starting a brand new one for the sake of readability <:] i think i mightbe learned that from you? i dont remember though guwbddjjd.. but i think about you on the occasion as i do with everyone ive ever met ever and im glad to know youre still kicking it like i am.. life is rough a hell 💔

theres not enough words i can say that can make up for not remembering us too well and also for saying and doing hurtful things to you if theres one thing ive not forgotten, its that i was not a very nice person way back when. but i hope now youre in a better place and you have friends who love you just as much as i did and still do!!

i have to go to work but uuwheuehehhehehrhfht thank you for reaching out anon i hope this post was nice to read and feel free to live in my inbox for forever, even if you wanna stay anonymous forever i dont mind! if youre not the person i was thinking of, rest well with the joy that youve given me a moment to reflect on myself euwhhwrh but if you ARE the person i was thinking of. im sorry i hurt you. and thank you!! i love you!! im glad you were a part of my life. i hope your day is good and your tomorrow is better!! live in my inbox if it pleases you!!

EDIT: FROGOR TO SAY IM PROUD OF YOU TOO 👍

[kuriquinn]

Just had to share this because I'm so excited: for the first time since 2016, I'm under 200 lbs.

I've always been really worried about the extra weight I had on me, especially since we have heart disease and diabetes in our family. Prior to the pandemic I hit 230 lbs, which for someone 5'7" and a tendency to put weight on around the belly and boobs is not good (fuck BMI as a health calculator, the visceral fat is the thing that needed to go down.)

So in 2019 I decided to deal with one of the major deterrents to me doing anything physical and which had caused me terrible damage to my spine: scheduled a breast reduction.

For pandemic reasons it took me about a year before I was able to get it, but during that time I started trying to take off even just a little in preparation for surgery, not doing anything too strenuous (my back is too fucked up and my knees too clicky for something high energy like running or zumba or aerobics) but basically just walking and swimming and gentle yoga, and of course, the dreaded diet. I managed to take off 5 lbs by myself before plateauing in a way that my weight refused to budge.

Luckily my surgery fell between a period of lockdown ending and then month later going back into effect (ah, Quebec. Wtf.), so I spent early 2021 recovering but once my surgeon gave me the go ahead (i lost about 5 lbs more from that surgery alone), I really tried to get into better shape

And it sucked.

And my weight didn't change.

And I kept losing motivation and went weeks, occasionally months without activity and only barely watching what I ate. By some miracle I managed to maintain instead of gain but it wasn't until this year (about the time I was semi-living on my own) that I really got serious about getting healthy.

A lot of motivation for that came down to witnessing Rebel Wilson radically go from overweight to healthy in like 1 year and finding out that she did it without dieting. (And she's also like me in that she will never be a tiny person which is role model goals imo)

And most important (which I think is what messed me up every time I tried to lose weight) keeping in mind that losing weight is not an overnight thing. It might take me a year or more to do it, but I had to celebrate the little milestones and not hate myself when I couldn't stick to goals and such, and also make goals which were reasonable.

So in January I gave myself a best-case goal of losing 40 lbs by this December, regular case 20 lbs, absolute least maintaining (since most years since high school I've put on an extra 5 lbs).

The fact that I'm halfway to that goal by this time in the year makes me feel amazing because it's been so hard to stick to a plan or a goal in the past, especially something as important as health wise. So even if I don't lose anymore weight this year and just maintain where I'm at now (hit 199.9 on the scale today and I don't care if it's just 0.1 off, this is the first time there hasn't been a 2 anywhere on my scale in eight years!), I've already managed to meet my own expectations.

And I really hope that this is just one of more goals I've set for myself, such as finding a job I like (not even love, just something I can do my best at without killing my soul) and getting back into writing, that I can complete by the end of the year.

A big part of that is going to be getting some help with my ADHD, which has been crippling me a lot worse the past year. I feel like as the depression and anxiety meds started working, it exposed all the symptoms of ADHD I've been able to ignore or mask my whole life and which since my burnout I haven't been able to do. So yeah, either gonna need to find some kind of affordable therapist to work with and maybe meds to help manage it, but for the first time in a while I feel like it's possible?

Anyway.

That's just my mood today, and a lot of you have been key to keeping my morale up and dealing with depression stuff (even if I don't interact much with you, your posts make me smile and keep my confidence up!), so thanks so so much for being you, and I hope whatever your personal goals are, no matter how big or small (seriously, just something like getting out of bed in the morning or taking a shower is a huge goal and you are awesome for managing it!), you achieve them.

XOXOXO

Kuri 💜

[purplesurveys]

1498

What's a restaurant that you won’t ever have dinner/eat at again? I’ve been stuck on this question in the last ten minutes but I guess I’ve never had a particularly horrific experience with a restaurant to the point of me not wanting to ever go back. 

But in general, I do avoid dining in at fast food restaurants because I’m never sure of how clean (or not) those places are. I know it’s no different when I get fast food for delivery lol but I feel more comforable when I’m eating in my own home.

Did you have your morning coffee this morning? Or do you not like coffee? I did. I always have to for work, or else I’d be cranky, all over the place, or both.

Is there someone you know that is absolutely repulsive? One of my former religion teachers. He got away with a lot of crap in the past, like throwing students out of the class for not having textbooks, yelling at his students, etc, because for the longest time no one spoke up (times were different and disciplining kids through those methods was seen as normal). He really only started getting cancelled in recent years now that the younger generation has felt more empowered to call out shitty behavior.

Are you tired from last night? Did you stay up late last night at all? Not last night since it’s already currently 11:30 in the evening, but I am tired from today’s workday, yes, as I usually am. And yes, my body clock has slightly adjusted recently too – I normally sleep at around 2 or 3 AM now.

Have you ever seen like THE hottest guy ever and just almost collapsed? I would probably react like this if I saw Taehyung in concert but otherwise no.

Do you eat randomly, just whenever the hell you want? Not really. I like to feel super hungry first before I dig in.

Did you have trouble getting up this morning? Eh, I wouldn’t say so. I will say though that I used to regularly wake up at 8 AM to get pre-work done (my shift starts at 9) but it’s been months since I did that. I roll out of bed at like 8:55 now - just enough time for me to make coffee and splash some water on my face. Burnout does that to you.

What's a movie you cannot BARE to ever watch again? I mean it’s bear, but ANYWAY. I don’t think I will ever watch I’m Thinking of Ending Things again. I’m a big Charlie Kaufman fan so the fact upsets me, but it was the last movie I saw before the breakup that I had to go through, so. Lots of personal layers in there that I would prefer never to revisit and unpack again.

What’s a few things that automatically make you go, “Awww”? Parent-child reunions always hit me right in the feels. Stories about human connection also make my chest heavy -- like that viral TikTok series of the piano dude who found a bond with his elderly neighbor who also played the piano.

Do you have soft hands? Do you like holding hands? I have quite soft hands. Idk how it is in other cultures but in the Philippines the older generations will usually judge kids and whether they’re lazy or otherwise by feeling their hands, because the idea there is someone who’s gone through hardships in life and have done some hard labor will inevitably have rougher ones. And I’ve definitely been suspected that I “don’t do a lot of chores” because of my hands, lol.

Have you ever burnt a food, and make the whole house smell gross? Not me but it happens all the time with my mom - she always forgets she’s making rice. Fortunately burnt rice doesn’t emit a foul smell per se, but it will give off a scent that will send alarm bells ringing and will make you run to the kitchen immediately.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if you had your own personal jet pack? Nah. Jet packs only sounded cool in Grand Theft Auto LOL but at the end of the day I think there are other convenient modes of transport.

What’s your opinion on perfumes that are REALLY expensive? Do you like them? I’m fine with those as long as they don’t smell too strong. There are perfumes that straight up smell like the inside of an old old OLD closet and I hate those.

Have you ever really hated a teacher and practically made it clear you did? No because I went to Catholic school, aka a place where they constantly instill fear and trauma onto students. I hated some of my teachers but had to express those feelings very privately and only with close friends because the second I made it obvious, I know they wouldn’t have hesitated to make my life hell.

Who got you hooked on the addiction you’re addicted to (If you have one)? Nobody got me into this Bangtan shit other than myself, lol. Angela helped a lot with orienting me with them though. Are you a little bit cautious around horses? Do they scare you a bit? I’m not scared of being around horses, but I also don’t like getting on them because I’ve never taken any lessons. I’m also constantly paranoid that they might get spooked and throw me off and onto the ground.

Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Once. I don’t remember what it was that I ate anymore, but I was stuck in a situation where I couldn’t just spit the piping hot food out so I had it in my mouth until my tongue essentially felt numb. It had some tiny red spots for a few days after the incident.

If you could live next door to ANYONE, who would you want to live beside? Someone who knows how to play the piano and likes to play full pieces.

Do you think your friends are pretty? Do your friends think you’re pretty? They are. Idk what they think of me though.

Do you like having random power naps now and then? Only during the weekends.

Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? No.

Do you like concerts? If so, do you like being in the mosh pit? I love concerts, but I’ve never been in a mosh pit. Even though I’ve gotten literal front row tickets to a Paramore show, this was during the era where they shifted their sound to more new wave/synth pop (to the point of them actually doing their Riot!/Brand New Eyes songs with the corresponding synth-y vibes) so no one was moshing that night lol.

Have you ever “liked” two guy best friends at the same time? I’ve never even liked one guy.

Do you think having a sleepover with a guy is theoretically acceptable? Not in the Philippines it ain’t, unless you’re sneaking out or you have the chillest parents in the country.

Do you like to have cake on your birthday? Which kind of cake in mind? Never was a fan of cake. I’ve always preferred savory food to celebrate lol, like sushi and wings.

[hismercytomyjustice]

I spent 95% of the day today writing. I’ve finally hit 35k, but the last 3k were a STRUGGLE. I think they turned out okay, but my god I had several moments of “fuck this.”

I think the issue was this was a way more research heavy chapter and I didn’t feel as confident about writing some of the side characters. They don’t have much screen time in the game, which made it all the more stressful.

I desperately want to finish this fic. I don’t want to have made it this far only to give up. I s2g the Cardcaptors fic that I wrote that was almost twice as long as this didn’t give me NEARLY this much trouble. Maybe because I was more familiar with the source material?

I did get a really sweet comment on it recently though that I still need to reply to. I’m always baffled and pleased when folks take the time to read my older stuff.

I want to say I’m around 75-80% done with this fic now, though I still have no idea how the hell I’m going to end it.

…especially since I still haven’t finished the game…

I’m like 250+ hours in, but I still need to kill Orin and Gortash, save Lae’zel, get the Wyrm, fight Raphael, find Minsc… I’m sure I’m forgetting something. I know I could just power through to the end but I’ve been enjoying thoroughly exploring everything. I’ve also kind of worn myself out in the process though. There is just SO MUCH in Act III, it’s overwhelming.

Work has been hella busy again the past week or two too, which doesn’t help. I’m kind of dreading tomorrow because I have so much I need to do. I am getting desperate for a break and our next holiday isn’t until Memorial Day at the end of May. I’m probably going to have to take some PTO or at least a mental health day at the rate I’m going. The burnout is hitting HARD.

I love my job as much as one can love a job, but my god it is exhausting and demanding. Thankfully it isn’t like this all the time, but the periods where it is SUCK. Things will quiet down in another month or so, at least for a good chunk of the summer. I hope.

I think when I’m done writing this fic (please god in the next few weeks or so), I’m going to post it a chapter at a time like I did with my Cardcaptors one. Maybe a week apart to give myself time to edit each chapter. Pretty sure that’s the only way I’ll be able to trick myself into editing.

It’s just been so nice to have something I’m excited to write about again. This is the longest thing I’ve written in literal years. I feel like I’ve grown a lot, or at least I hope I have.

I’m also hoping that by writing more fanfic, I’ll be able to strengthen my writing for original stuff too. Right now I’m just trying to be happy with whatever I put out, so long as I’m writing something. Even if I don’t finish it.

I spent so many years struggling to get a word on the page because I spent so much time learning about writing through cons, books, podcasts, etc that I was hypercritical of everything I did. I stopped enjoying the process and I felt like a failure. I knew enough now that I knew what I did wrong or where I had skill gaps, but I had no idea how to fix any of it, so I just stopped creating. I forgot why I loved writing so much in the first place.

A book that’s really helped me view writing in a much healthier way is The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide by Jenna Fischer. Yes, it’s geared toward acting, but the advice she gives is just as relevant to other creative fields.

She talks a lot about giving yourself permission to do the thing, about not having to be at the same level as your idols to pursue your dream, and about how important it is just to create.

It’s so important to enjoy the process because, otherwise, what’s the point? So long as I’m having fun, it’s worth doing. Even if I never reach a wide audience with original stuff I do in the future, I have to remember I’m doing this first and foremost for myself. I’ve found I enjoy that type of content more too, where the creator takes risks and unashamedly throws their passion into their project.

Yes, this is just a fanfic I’m working on, but I’m honing my skills through it. It’s a lot less terrifying to play in someone else’s sandbox and it’s so much easier for me to get out of my own way while I do it.

But at the same time DAMN I AM SO READY TO BE DONE haha.

Fingers crossed I will be soon!!!