#the hardest one to find was about sev (and the most one I wanted)

[cienie-isengardu]

Walon Vau about Delta Squad [from Republic Commando loading screen]

[ace-oreos]

I see that you've opened the gates for Alpha-17 prompts

How about some protective big brother/dad Alpha with his cadets?

I am ALWAYS open to Alpha prompts.  😄 

I am way too attached to him. Send help. 

Alpha has no recollection of signing up to be ori’vod to the Grand Army’s latest batch of officers, but he figures it was bound to happen anyway, what with the Alphas being the first successful batch and all. 

He’s done his best to keep the cadets at a distance thus far. Their success - and survival - rests on his shoulders; better for them all, to stay at arm’s length. 

(If he realizes history is repeating itself, he chooses to ignore it.) 

But he’s not a father; he’s their brother. Alpha is beginning to wonder if there isn’t some fundamental difference there. He can’t quite piece it together, but he’s certainly conscious of it - to the point that it stings when he finds himself echoing Jango’s words far more often than he would like.

(Ten years of training and two since his death, and Alpha still doesn’t know where he stands with his father. He can’t bring himself to hate him - however much he might have, not so long ago - but he can’t exactly call himself grateful, either. It’s all too messy for him, and much easier to avoid altogether.) 

One thing leads to another, despite his best efforts, and soon Alpha isn’t just an officer anymore. It’s entirely the cadets’ fault, he insists to a skeptical Fordo, glossing over the fact that he isn’t exactly putting his all into resisting. 

“I gotta admit,” Fordo says one day, grinning wickedly, “I never thought you were cut out to be a buir.”

Alpha takes him to task for that one, and can’t help but smirk when he catches Fordo wincing for days after. 

He doesn’t consider himself the cadets’ father by any means, but after a while he’s forced to admit that he might just be their brother. It’s the Kaminiise that bring about the realization in the first place.

They leave him to his devices for the most part; they know perfectly well from years of observation he won’t hesitate to push back if necessary. They know he is Jango’s in ways beyond even their understanding, and so they treat him warily. They don’t cross him, and he doesn’t give them reason to suspect his brand of training officers might not line up with their meticulously regimented courses.

But they make it known that he’s being watched. It’s the little things, at first - an offhand comment from a scientist, deliberately placed medical personnel in his training sites. That he can brush aside; being subjected to their relentless scrutiny growing up means he hardly bats an eye at the near-constant presence of the Kaminiise.

He thinks it might be his disregard that rubs them the wrong way. The Kaminoans have never taken kindly to the realization that their creations aren’t the two-dimensional wet droids they were intended to be. Whatever it is, one of the higher-ups deems it necessary to have greater influence over his training program.  

Fordo tips him off. It’s not just a courtesy from one brother to another; it’s a warning. If Alpha pushes too hard, he’ll disappear in the night like so many others and leave his cadets defenseless. Fordo admonishes him - it isn’t fair to them, Sev - but there’s a hundred other things just beneath the surface that Fordo can never speak for fear of being the one who disappears. 

So Alpha watches his step, and makes sure his cadets do the same. Presenting a bland face grates on him, but it’s for the best. 

Fortunately, his cadets are a perceptive lot; it doesn’t take them long to pick up on the subtle shifts in his expression and posture when the Kaminiise are around. Like all clones, they learned early on to only show the Kaminoans exactly what they want to see. 

When they’re free from supervision, Alpha is treated to flashes of personality from each cadet. 24 displays a knack for tactics; 52 often picks up on minute details his brothers overlook. 04 is quieter than the others, but observation proves that his silence masks an analytical mind.

(Sometimes Alpha can’t help but see himself and his brothers in the cadets. They never had the nerve of the newer batches - not openly, anyway - but the similarities are there. Alpha isn’t sure if it’s painful or oddly reassuring in a way he can’t quite piece together.) 

The cadets are a handful and then some; Alpha doesn’t remember his brothers causing nearly as much trouble as these di’kute. Still, he can’t deny that he’s grown fond of them. He doesn’t know whether to be alarmed or amused, but that doesn’t stop him from smacking Fordo upside the head when his brother pokes fun at his newfound tolerance for his recruits. 

Fordo keeps at it. “Going soft, Sev?” 

“Want to come over here and say that again?”

“I’ll pass, thanks - I’ve got all the evidence I need.”

There’s going soft, and then there’s looking out for his subordinates, Alpha decides, the latter of which is expected from any decent officer. 

(It’s such a feeble argument, he carefully avoids the subject when Fordo is in earshot.) 

Every cadet in this batch is set to graduate within a few months. They’ll be scattered across the galaxy then, deployed to the hardest-hit sectors in the hopes of salvaging the Republic’s foothold on planets that weren’t worth the cost. On the off-chance Alpha encounters them outside of Kamino, their sole focus will be the welfare of their troops. It’s all too likely that they won’t come back; he tries to remain mindful of that even though it hurts on some level. 

(And that’s the one critical piece the Kaminoans somehow overlooked: the more they see of the galaxy, the more they come to realize that it’s not much of a life, this unending violence and bloodshed. Alpha does his best to tune out such thoughts - he’s not sure he’s ready for the doubt to slip through the cracks - but he’s seen enough beyond Kamino to know that this isn’t a life at all.) 

So he does what he can to prepare them for a galaxy that will always turn its back on them. It’s just as well that they don’t question him - he doubts he’s capable of explaining that it isn’t that he doesn’t care; he wouldn’t be doing it at all if he didn’t care.

But such things stray too close to Kenobi’s Jedi prattle for Alpha’s liking, so he sticks to what he knows. The cadets seem to understand, and that’s all the reassurance he needs. He still hasn’t fully accepted the notion that he might need them just as much as they need him, but he’s learning, in his own way. 

And there is something gratifying about watching the cadets hone their raw skills into combat proficiency any Mando’ad would be proud of. Alpha down plays his role in it, insisting he’s more of a guide than anything, but there’s still a sense of pride knowing it was his training that brought the cadets to this point. 

They’re not his - not really, not for long - but he won’t let the war claim them, either. It isn’t what Fett would want, but Alpha resolves to hold fast to a little bit of whatever is taking shape here in the endless white hallways of Tipoca City. 

In spite of his father. In spite of the war. In spite of everything.

[thedungeonsbat]

Muggle Love (Chapter 10)

Chapter 10

"I am… a wizard." Severus had never been this nervous in his whole life and trying to maintain his usual tone, seriously the hardest job right now. He kept looking at you waiting for an answer. He would not have been surprised if you had screamed or jumped up in surprise because he had told you his truth after calculating all of the possible reactions. He had his mind made up, he wasn't gonna lie to you anymore, at least not with this.

"You what?" You exclaimed, your expression had turned even more bewildered. You were pretty sure you heard him wrong.

"A wizard, (Y/N). Just listen t-" He was beginning to say but you could not hear anything after he told you what he was, if you heard him right, a wizard. All other words out of his mouth were mute to you.

"B-but they don't exist. Wizards are- they are just fantasies! There's no such thing a-as magic!" You were almost shouting. Seeing you panic so much Severus thought- well, was sure- that he had made the wrong choice. You did not take it well apparently but he knew this could happen. He was positive this would be the end of your 'friendship'.

"That is what you think. There is so much you do not know that exists." He tried to maintain himself calm while also doing the same for you.

You suddenly got up causing Severus to look up, a hint of surprise on his face. This was it, you were going to leave him or so he thought.

"Tell me its some joke, Sev. It's seriously not funny." Of course it was not a joke, his face was all you needed to know he wasn't being 'funny'.

Severus took your hand in his and made you sit again. You two had been looking intently at each other and had hardly broken the eye contact even once.

You felt vulnerable under his touch and you could feel your face redden, even if it wasn't the right time to blush. You wished for him to not notice him and God knows if he ever did, his face never reflected any of his thoughts. But, his eyes were filled with so many emotions, mainly remorse.

"It's not. Why would I ever lie to you? I would never want to break your trust, you know that." His voice was soft and low and his expression melted.

"Then why did you not tell me before?" You tried to maintain a steady voice but you knew it would break very soon.

Severus was lost for words. What would he say? The truth was still unclear to him, he wasn't even sure why he told you now.

"I- I did not want to lose you." He almost whispered. You had not noticed but the gap between the two of you had lessened and you were barely inched away from each other.

With your other hand you held his and replied, "I d- don't know, Severus. I always feel like I know nothing about you. I thought we were friends, "

"But we are, (Y/N)." He said shortly, he was hurt. So were you.

"I thought so too." You said in a barely audible whisper while slowly loosening your hands from his grip. You looked down at your feet and your eyes began to water. Believing he was a wizard was impossible for you. You had never heard anything of such kind. But also, your heart was not ready to believe he would lie, to you. And even if he was a wizard, even if he could do magic, how would ever be able to be with him like you were before?

You got up again, preparing to leave. But of course Severus was not gonna let you go so easily. He did not tell you his true identity just to see you leave.

"(Y/N) dont. Please. I can show you..." He said, placing his finger under your chin to make you look up to him. You resisted but once again, you were weak under his tender touch. You did not want him to see you crying. It broke his heart to see you like this, specially because he was the reason.

A part of you told you that it was wrong to believe him. But a part of you told you that he would never lie to you, that he would never break your trust and evidently the other part's opinion was much, much stronger. You were the one who hid your birthday from him, he wasn't the one to lie to you about something but then again, he never really did tell you something about himself.

You opened your mouth to speak something but closed it again. The words would come out and it was harder to believe that this all wasn't a dream. What was he going to show you? Was this for real?

"Close your eyes." Severus said as he stepped one step closer and seeing no other option, you did accordingly. Your stomach was twisting, again the same feelings. Damn these hormones!

"Trust me." He whispered, sending chills down your spine, as he very often did. You could feel him very close to you and you began breathing heavily. Your heart rate increased every second and you soon felt him taking your hands in his.

Then suddenly, you felt strange. Extremely strange and sick. Everything seemed to revolve around you and because your eyes were closed, you could not see what was happening. A moment ago, you felt like… floating and now, in a mere blink of an eye, you felt ground beneath your feet. What was he doing? Whatever it was, it made you feel very, very uneasy. Thank goodness you did not faint but you were really dizzy. He had gripped your hands tighter to make sure you did not fall.

Severus had closed his own eyes too and within seconds he spoke, "You may open them now."

You slowly opened them, scared of what you might see. Severus had not told you what he was about to do, he was a wizard even though you still couldn't completely believe it. You had spent years studying science and now a person tells you he could do magic and sorts, it was going to be extremely hard to trust the fact that another world existed where people with magical powers lived and where there were wonders you had never even dreamed of.

When you finally opened your eyes, you couldn't believe them. You saw Severus standing in front of you, still very close and hands intertwined. He was not all you could see, your eyes trailed around the surroundings. You were no longer in his house. No walls and no roof!

"Sorry about the sickness, it happens." He told you, finally releasing your hands from his grip, realising how long he had been holding them. You looked around and seeing what you were seeing, you pinched your arm to make sure you were not dreaming.

"Ouch... It is real." You muttered under your breath. Then you turned around again for a better view of everything around you.

You were in an open field, the sun was setting and the sky was red. All around your feet was long, thick grass. It was neither too hot not too cold, it was pleasant and quiet. Tall trees were behind you and not a single soul could be seen in front of you. You knew for sure you weren't in London anymore but still had no idea where you could possibly be now.

(The location should look something like this, just the sky was a bit redder.)

"S- Severus, what is this? I mean, how did we? Di- Did you do this?" You asked turning towards him. He would have been amused by your reaction but he was in no such place. He was hesitating and afraid of what could happen now. He had apparated with a muggle, again. And it was you both the times, of course you did not remember the first time.

He sighed and replied, "Yes. I want you to believe that I am not lying to you about anything. Try to understand, (Y/N)."

"I- I am, but this, " You paused to glance around you again, "this is unbelievable. And I think… in a good way." Severus could see the slightest hint of a smile but disappeared as soon as it came but it was enough. Enough to know he could hope for something.

"Really?" He asked, tilting his head a bit. Severus Snape was a person who wasn't expected to look cute but right now, he was and there was no denying it.

"Perhaps." You replied mocking his tone to which he raised his eyebrow. Very attractively in fact.

There were no tears in your eyes now, but excitement about what oddity just happened. And there you were! The best of you showed, you were back. The most astonishing fact that Severus found about you was how easy-going you were. All the time. You let go of old things very easily. Maybe that is what made you so special.

Not only your mood was lit up by the new surroundings but also you lift up Severus' spirits too. He was confident now. Confident that you might start to trust him and most importantly accept. It somewhat disturbed him that he needed you to accept him.

You approached him and he looked down to maintain the eye contact as you came closer to him. It was strange how hard it was for any of you to break it. It was like you never wanted to be free from each other's gaze.

For a minute you hesitated to do anything but then you hugged him lightly, still hesitant.

"I'm sorry." You whispered and he judged by your voice you were crying.

"Shh..Its alright. It was my fault anyway." You battled your urge to protest his statement but at the moment, you had found so much of comfort in his arms that you did not say anything.

He pulled away slightly only to wipe your tears.

After that, you sat down on the soft grass, pulling Severus down with you. He resisted but failed. You sat silently for many minutes which felt like hours. You were watching the beautiful sunset, it was one like you had never seen before.

"Where are we, Sev?" You asked breaking the silence.

"Someplace away from everyone's eyes." He replied but did not look at you.

You pouted, "Why can't you ever answer my questions properly?"

He faced you now, a smirk on his face. He did not respond and you scowled. "Don't do that." He remarked.

"Why? You're not the only one permitted to do that. Its not like I need a license to frown, Mr. Grim." You tried to sound cold like him which only amused him more although he was not really pleased with your way of addressing him.

"Very well." You turned away, "But tell me, do you mean to say that the blonde-man was a wizard and he vanished with magic?"

"Yes, and that is how I did it."

"Cool." You commented earning a frown of confusion for him.

"Cool? You find magic cool?" He said in his drawling tone.

"Well, yes. Everything must be so easy."

Performing tasks with magic was easy, true, but the challenges faced by the wizarding community were a nightmare. Specially for Severus for he had a secret no one but Dumbledore and he knew.

"So you believe me then?"

"I never doubted you but it is still hard to… accept."

"Take your time." He softly told you. You smiled at him and then again a comforting silence spread over you.

~~~Severus' POV~~~

I told her to take her time. At least I know she was trying. It was a huge relief for me to know that she did not think I was a liar. Even though she did not take it well in the beginning, she took it better than I had expected in the end.

I feel like she has become a part of my life. I don't want it to be true, it can't possibly be. My mind says it's not right but my heart says otherwise… Everything is bright around her, she makes me smile. Genuinely. I never even knew I would ever be capable of it after whatever happened. For some moments, all the worries vanish but they come back as soon as she leaves. What is my heart doing to me?

~~~Your POV~~~

It's weird, super weird. Magic always sounded so absurd to me but here I am, believing Severus. I seriously do not know what I should do. Something makes me want to trust him, no matter what. Because if I do not, I'll lose another person I hold dear.

It's really complicated. I thought I was capable of handling situations well but apparently I am not. Right now I do not care who or what Severus is. It feels right to be with him and that is what I am doing and hopefully will do in the future. He might be a 'gloomy' person but he seems to have made a permanent spot in my heart… What's happening? I never feel this but I am now.

The whole 'wizard' thing is too much to handle right now. I'm trying to get it off my mind and see the positives of it even though it's so crazy. I am glad that Severus decided to share it with me. Well, it does seem better this way, after all I can't go fussing about everything after… that's a whole other point. At present, at this moment I am just happy to have met a person like him because he is someone who makes me feel right. The only one.

_______________________

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think of it because I am not really satisfied with this one. Its sometimes hard to write something that won't be too unhappy and make it as real as possible. I really hope you liked this chapter. Also, the updates might be less frequent for the next two weeks though I will try to upload a chapter or two a week. Thanks again and lots of love to ya all❤❤

[pupcrimes]

*gentle gasp* oc meme for Sev!?

( from this thing ) 

Ah, yes, Sev, my favorite asshole…

Full Name: Sev Kilvaer, born Sevaarin Raltí Kilvaer

Gender and Sexuality: Still in that place where he’s questioning stuff. Gender is null. Sexuality is very firmly in the Not Het category but other than that… not a fucking clue. Personally doesn’t think it important enough to label. He just.. doesn’t think about it. @sunsetofdoom puts it best: Everyone Is Bi In Space.

Pronouns: He/him. See also this post. 

Ethnicity/Species: Zabrak from my made up world of Jiroo, though he grew up mostly homeless in the slums of Nar Shaddaa, trying to scrape by with his brother Basile. Eventually they wound up working for the Exchange, running drugs and tech through difficult checkpoints.

Birthplace and Birthdate: Sev was born on Jiroo, in the Bajon region. He’s 39 by 3632 BBY.

Guilty Pleasures: Bubblegum pop. His life is a fucking nightmare so sometimes he just needs to put on his headphones, kick back, and let some teeny bopper pop band soothe his soul.

Phobias: Being abandoned is a big one for him. Being forced to kill the people he loves. He also… really cannot stand lightning, especially Force lightning. Freaks him out.

What They Would Be Famous For: He is actually already famous on his homeworld, for being the living vessel of the Bajoni deity Ras as well as ending the oppressive reign of Comtois. He is also the son of a king, but that’s not nearly as impressive as being the first Ralzaar in over 1000 years. Outside Jiroo, uhhh, probably all the shit he’s done when he was still with the Exchange, which he would absolutely detest. Sure, he ran a good crew, smuggled guns and drugs to some of the hardest to reach places in the Republic, but he is not proud of that shit At All.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Intimidation, aggravated assault, bribery, unpaid parking fines, take your pick. He has been arrested… so many times. Now that he’s sober, arrests for public intoxication have gone waaaaay down, but he fights just about the same. Self-destructive dumbass.

OC You Ship Them With: Zhadi and Andronikos! It starts off just as a way for him to blow off steam and be taken out of his head for a little while, but then he begins developing getting capital f Feelings…

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Probably Hataria… She would be very fascinated in Sev’s connection to Ras, would want to pick at his brain and run experiments on him. He’d probably die on the table like most of her other subjects.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Sev loves comic books, especially the ones where the underdog protagonist saves the day. Basile used to give them to him, as a way to keep him occupied when Basile was out Taking Care of Business.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Romance plots, especially ones that don’t add to whatever he’s looking at. He finds them boring and unnecessary. He especially hates it when people kiss on-screen and you can hear the noises. Who thought that was a good thing to put in a movie?

Talents and/or Powers: Sev’s very birth foretold a bad omen, that the deity Ras had glimpsed something in Jiroo’s future and came in this vessel to later exact vengeance when the time was right. Sharing his body with a literal god of prophecy and vengeance, Sev has extremely vivid and violent dreams (and visions, later on when he learns how to harness his connection to Ras) that nearly always come true. Also thanks to Ras, Sev is able to manipulate the Force so as to make himself jump farther, run faster, and hit harder than the average being. There is also a bit of.. physical transformation, but that’s mostly when Ras decides he wants a turn controlling the body.

Non-Ras things: Sev is a proficient boxer with a remarkable endurance - dude can take a beating. He knows all the best ways to smuggle various drugs through security checkpoints. He is able to resist Force mind tricks.

Why Someone Might Love Them: Extremely loyal to the ones he loves. Can be rather open-minded, moreso especially post-Jiroo. Awkward as hell when receiving affection, which can be rather endearing.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: Snarky bastard asshole, blunt and cynical and sarcastic as fuck. Resting Dick Face. Gets in a lot of fights over stupid things, and might not apologize for it ever.

How They Change: Sobers up, escapes the Exchange with Dego, lives as close to a life on the “straight and narrow” as he can get, what with collecting bounties and all. Doesn’t really live, though, not until he reconnects with his birth culture and learns of his role within it. Learns what his dreams mean, who it is that whispers in his brain. Learns to open himself to communicate with Ras and how to shield himself when he needs it, and just this one thing changes so much… He leaves Jiroo feeling like a different person, lighter, more himself than he has ever been in his life.

Why You Love Them: He started out pretty much as a way for me to talk about my depression and some of the ways it manifests (which is actually why I don’t… post about him a whole lot honestly), but he has become so much more than that over the past couple of months. He gives me hope for the future, that things won’t always be the way they are and that it’s never too late to discover something new about yourself. Reminds me that it does no good to numb yourself to the lows of life because, ultimately, you’ll numb yourself to the joys too.

Ahhhh, other than all that Personal Shit™…. Despite being an asshole, he cares for his friends and his people very deeply, is willing to go to the ends of the galaxy for them and he always, always comes back. Even when he feels he’s fucked things up beyond repair, even when it would be easier to run, Sev comes back. He’s stubborn like that.

[idealpages]

Crown of Feathers is an awesome adventure with kick-ass characters. The story is set in a world where the governing Empire prosecute people who are animages: people who possess magic that allows them to connect and influence animals. The most powerful animages were the legendary Phoenix Riders, who were at one point the protectors of the land and of the people before the Blood War saw both phoenixes and their human counterparts executed or imprisoned. At the books opening, anyone who is found to be an animage is either heavily taxed or enslaved, which is why many animages are in hiding.

Meet Veronkya. She and her sister evade the empire by living just outside the empire’s border, and dream of becoming Phoenix Riders. Veronkya is ecstatic to learn there is a small rebellion group who are trying to bring back the Phoenix Riders, but she’s disheartened to learn they don’t recruit girls. However, she decides no gender will get between her and her dreams, so she joins the group under the guise of being a boy. There she meets fellow animages and feels like she has a purpose, but quickly gets on the wrong side of Tristan, the leader’s son.

Meet Sev. He’s a secret animage who is part of the Empire’s military, who gets roped into a plot against the empire when someone uses his secret against him. Whilst this predicament frustrates him, he can’t help being drawn to one of the animage’s who is involved in his blackmail, the very handsome Kade. Sev’s journey involves healing past wounds and questions of morals, which makes for an enthralling read.

This is the hardest review I’ve written in a while, purely because, I don’t know how to put my immense feelings and thoughts about this into the right words. Quite literally, this review has taken me days to get to a point where I feel I’ve done it all the justice I can do it.

This book has inspiring world building and imagery. The setting is “The Golden Empire” which has different regions with varying levels of Empire influence. The regions, such as the landscape and the people, are written so vividly and distinctly, making the story all the more enjoyable. These illustrations were supported with events prior to the novel’s beginning, that act as a backdrop to the main storyline, like the Blood War and the adventures of past king and queens of the realm. It was effortless to imagine the scenes that unfolded, particularly the climax. It was really entertaining.

Also, this deserves recognition for its inclusion of diversity. We have gay romance, a girl with a disability whose attitude is larger than life, and some focus on mental illness through phobias and breaking free of psychological abuse. This diversity made the book all the more enjoyable because the way in which the characters and storylines were written was really brilliant.

I must mention this for anyone who could find this distressing: there is a small amount of animal slaughter. I’m really in two minds mentioning this, because I don’t think it should put anyone off, but it could certainly distress someone who isn’t perhaps prepared to read such scenes, as quick as it is.

I'd say good characterisation is one of the strongest elements of the book, which is achieved by blossoming relationships and terse family bonds.

The book alternates between three POVs; Veronkya, Tristan and Sev. This serves the pace of the book really well, as all three characters are likeable, and beyond the overarching story, their independent stories are interesting too. The development of these characters, and secondary characters, is well done and thoroughly satisfying. I can’t wait to be back with them in the sequel.

And seeing as I’ve mentioned the sequel, I hope to see both of the early and subtle romances pick up in the next book.

Overall, I read this over 3 days and I'm going to give it *4.5 stars. Toward the beginning of the book there was some repetition of details which stood out enough to distract my building enjoyment. I'd actually say this goes down to an oversight in editing. Nonetheless, what we have here is the beginning of an immersing and enjoyable series, as its plot development and characters show promise. The ending was breath-taking and left me wanting more – I’m going to be one impatient lady waiting for the sequel. Definitely recommend to all fantasy lovers!

*(11/11/2019); edited review to change 4.5 star rating to just full blown 5 stars. I loved this story all those months ago, and still love it just as much now. I’d happily reread it (and plan to this month, for the #PhoenixRiderReadalong), and will definitely do that whilst listening to the audiobook.

[p-and-p-admin]

Interview given to The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group.  (sharing here Admin approved)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/

Hello snapeslittleblackbuttons and welcome to Behind the Quill, thank-you for letting us get to know you a little better.

Many of our members will be familiar with your body of work, including works Watch over me and Once, Now and Forevermore.

Okay, let’s jump right in.

What's the story behind your pen name?

It’s actually a subtle tribute to a scene in one of the first fanfics I ever read. It was an SSHG one-shot, and there was a scene in which Sev muses aloud whether his wife is more taken with him, or his buttons. I thought it was adorable.

Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most?

That’s hard to say. I probably see more qualities of myself in Hermione than any other character.

Do you have a favourite genre to read?  

I enjoy fantasy most, but sci-fi and historical fiction tie for a close second place. When an author can seamlessly incorporate a bit of fantasy into history--like Diana Gabaldon does in her Outlander series--that’s the best of everything.

Do you have a favourite "classic" novel?

A Tale of Two Cities by Dickens is my favourite classic by far. I also love The Mists of Avalon by Bradley.

At what age did you start writing?

I started writing when I was an adult. My senior year English class pretty much ruined my desire to focus on writing as a craft. Now that I’ve found my Muse again, I guard my personal voice as an artist fiercely.   

How did you get into writing fanfiction?

I adore Sev as a character--his strengths and his flaws--the whole lovely, complex mess that is Severus Snape. My heart just broke for him--life had been so unfair, right from the start. I wanted to give him a glimpse of happiness, just a taste, you know? It was probably more to make me, as a reader, feel better than anything else! So, I wrote a parallel story called What Dumbledore Knew, which focused on his relationship with Lily during the First Wizarding War and tied my story into the canon events of DH, making it so that it could have actually occurred.   

What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works?

The most interesting themes for me to explore (both as a reader and writer) are abandonment and fate. You Know Where to Find Me is about abandonment, and Unanswered Prayer touches on both abandonment and fate. Of course, Once, Now, and Forevermore and To Dwell on Dreams focus on fate.    

What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter?

None, actually! HP is all I’ve ever read or written. I’d bet I’d love Star Wars / Reylo fanfic, but I’d be afraid to start down that road with all the commitments I have right now.

If you could make one change to canon, what would it be?

Well, I think I would have let Severus live so he could realize the fruits of redemption. It’s awfully clean and convenient when he dies; you don’t have to fit him into the wizarding world any longer, and you don’t have to deal with how you’ve treated him. And he doesn’t have to live with what he’s done. I think all of that merits exploration.

Do you have a favourite piece of fanon?

My favourite? I have a few. Severus is Draco’s godfather, wizards sign betrothal contacts, and Blaise is a bit of a Casanova.

Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet?

I prefer quiet, but I can write when things are extremely chaotic and loud, too. I can write at a library or a rave. It’s hardest for me to write when sound is somewhere in the middle, for example, when I can hear a single conversation or just a TV.   

What are your favourite fanfictions of all time?

Second Life by Lariope, The Secrets We Keep by IShouldBe (which was, incidentally, the very first fanfic I ever read); Turn by Saras_Girl, and Advanced Contemporary Potion Making by Lariope. All of them can be found on archiveofourown.org.

Are you a plotter or a pantser? How does that affect your writing process?

I’m a plotter, but I’m willing to listen to the Muse if she suggests diverting from plan.

What is your writing genre of choice?

Fantasy, certainly. I write historical fiction as well, but I find that I get ensnared in making sure the all details are perfect--like moon’s phase on September 6, 1978, or the average temperature in Sudan in late July, or whatever. Writing historical fiction takes me FOR. EV. ER.

Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why?

That’s one of the hardest questions I’m asked--it’s like asking which of your children you like the best. I have favourite scenes from every single one of my plot-bunny-turned-story babies, but overall I would have to say my favourites are Fur and Sin and Child of the Moon.

Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote? What did you learn from writing it?

Generally, they unfolded as I had planned, but the Muse provided some details along the way that I hadn’t thought of until I was actually writing the scene.

How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write?

I don’t have any personal ties to themes in those particular stories, I’m just happy with how they came out.

What books or authors have influenced you? How do you think that shows in your writing?

Certainly, the works of Saras_girl, Aurette, Loten, Lariope, and IShouldBe have influenced me.

All of those authors have inspired me to challenge myself as a writer. After reading Turn by Saras_girl, I challenged myself to write a story in present tense (Fur and Sin). Others have inspired me to try humour (The Shape of You) and first person POV (Child of the Moon).  

Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction?

My immediate family knows, and just two of my RL friends. I have a fabulous support group on FB who first knew me as only snapeslittleblackbuttons, and now I am honoured to call friends as well.

How true for you is the notion of "writing for yourself"?

Well, that notion was true for me when I first started my writing journey. As I mentioned, I wrote my first story (What Dumbledore Knew) to develop Severus’s motivations more fully. I wrote that story for me.

While Dumbledore Knew was supposed to be for me alone, I eventually wound up sharing it on ff.net (because why not?), and a very kind soul messaged me and asked to if she could be my beta for future stories. She showed me things I was doing well and coached me on things that I wasn’t. She was the perfect mix of encouragement and correction, and I’m thankful for her to this day.  

How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media?

It’s incredibly important. I can tell you that each and every review or comment I receive reinforces the desire for me to return to my craft, to produce more, to hone more. I am very grateful for my readers.

Right now, the only ways I engage with them are through FB or archiveofourown.org.

What is the best advice you've received about writing?

Typing is different than writing. Don’t confuse the two. And yes, you can actually be writing--crafting a scene in your mind, for example--without touching your keyboard.

What do you do when you hit writer's block?

I read, and try not to stress about it. Sometimes, I’ll reread a favourite ff, or even my own, until someone’s words inspire me again.

Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing?

Absolutely. Themes in You Know Where to Find Me, and a scene in Nightfall (the conversation on the garden bench) come directly from my personal experience.

Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser?

I’m working on a novel-length original fiction right now. It’s an expansion/adaptation of one of my ff stories, but I’m not ready to share a teaser yet. Stay tuned.

Any words of encouragement to other writers?

Keep going, you’re doing great. Really, truly, you are.

Thanks so much for giving us your time.

Thank you, Relish Redshoes, for giving me the chance to talk about my work.

[nobodyzhuman]

Don’t Trust Dumbledore ch. 22

                                                  Snape’s POV

“It appears you are all here. Now I must ask each of stand and step inside this circle.” The goblin said as he waved his hand and a large white circle appeared in the center of the room. Etched runes glowing throughout it. Severus studied the circle, something about it seemed familiar, but he couldn’t place it.

“What is this about?” He turned to ask the goblin.

“I’m afraid, Mister Snape, I can not tell you until each of you as stepped into the circle.” The goblin’s black eyes stared up at him.

“I will not--”

“Enough, Severus.” Lucius demanded stepping into the circle, two confused redheads watching him, “This is Draco’s spell work. I would recognize it anywhere. Get in here.” His blonde friend glared at him, “Now.”

He felt a shiver run down his spine. He hadn’t taken an order from Lucius in years, not since they were young, but his body still reacted. He returned the glare, stepping into the circle.

Zabini following behind him just a little hesitant.

He saw the twins look at each other and nod, before they to joined them inside the circle. Severus wondered what they were doing here. If Draco had set this up, the rest of the group made sense, but not the twins. Unless, Draco was working with Potter? But still wouldn’t The younger brother and Granger be here?

He felt the magic snap in place around them.

“I must have each of you swear, that what you will not speak of what you learn here today. Not to anyone not locked inside the circle with you.

“Fucking…” One twin said at the same time the other cursed, “Hell…” And to his surprise Zabini spoke in sync with the due, “Truth circle.” Severus saw the twins eye the slytherin, then they both grinned. And he felt a wave of worry. Not for Blaise but for the rest of the world if the three became friends. Keeping Draco and Blaise out of trouble was problem enough without the two Weasleys influence.

Lucius however ignored the small exchange, “I swear.”

“Luc, stop.” He ordered moving towards his friend, “You have no idea what you are swearing to. This could be a trap.”

“You think Draco would trap us?” He friend said look him in the eye, anger and worry clear as can be.. “You think Dragon would do anything to hurt us, his father? His godfather?” His friend growled, then tilted his head towards Blaise. “What about his best friend?”

He fought against a forgot instinct in lower his head to his friend. It wasn’t something he did anymore.

He gritted his teeth, “He would if someone tortured him or forced the spell from him.” He said, hating himself for doing it. He didn’t want to think about the horrible things that could be happening to his godson. But it was his job to think about things like this. Normally Lucius would be thinking the same. But his judgement clouded by worry over his son.

“He wouldn’t.” Luc said, straightening his shoulders. He wanted to reach out and shake the man, because it was killing him not knowing, but walking into something blindly just because he was worried was stupid.

“Luc--”

“We wouldn’t be here.” One of the twins said, cutting him off.

“What?” Blaise said.

“If this was something personal about the younger Malfoy, we wouldn’t be here.” The other twin said.

“And if Harry…”

“Is involved…”

“They would have targeted Ron..” He was starting to get annoyed with the bouncing back and forth, and from the way Luc’s eyes darkened, so was he.

“Or Hermione.”

“Not us.” They finished together.

“How can you now for sure?” Blaise asked, looking intrigued. Great.

“Easy,” One of the twins said smiling at the younger boy, “No one knows how close we are to Harry.” The other said, grinning. Close they are? Okay now he was curious. He stepped back from Malfoy so he could see everyone in the circle.

“Aside from Harry.” The first one said again.

“So, your the proof.” Luc said eyeing the twins, “That Potter and Draco are for some reason working together.”

Both redheads shrugged. “We are just saying that, the only reason we are here. Is because Harry wants us here.”

As much as he hated to admit it, they made sense. Though he was going to have to rethink the connection to Potter. He had no idea, they knew him that well. He knew Potter was close the their brother, but he had never seen any sign of friendship between the three boys. And if he hadn’t neither had anyone else. Which meant the three gryffindors were better at hiding and keeping secrets then he expected.

“Fine. Alright. I swear.” He said. He saw Luc’s shoulders relax.

“We swear.” The twins said, getting a sigh from him, Lucius, and a chuckle from Blaise. Who then added, “I swear.” The circle glowed and then a box appeared at its center.

One of the twins was the first to move, kneeling down on the floor and opening the box. Inside it were a number of letters. Severus took a step closer, only to be handed a letter with his name and the number 1 on it from the young man kneeling on the floor. Then he watched as a few more were handed out. One to each person in the circle, though he could see a couple letters left in the box.

He sighed and opened his letter.

                                                    Severus,

Please don’t be angry at me. Or Potter. We had no hand in what happened to us. I don’t know what all to say in this letter. I feel I should ask you to reassure father that I did not run away nor was I taken. I would never shame or betray him like that. However, I am stuck where I am, and need your help. And that of the others, hopefully standing in the circle with you.

I know you will find this hard to believe, but Potter and I are stuck in the past. Your past. Well yours and fathers, and a group of strange Gryffindors. The only proof I have is that after sharing a room with a younger version of you and father for the last several weeks, I have decided you to owe me an explanation on many things. And that I had no idea how much father truly dislike mother.

As to what happened to us. I still am not sure. I had been out for a late night walk, my cat needed it. I heard Filch coming so I hid. Imagine my surprise when Potter hid in the same spot. After Filch wandered off, we started talking, well arguing, whatever. When this bright light appeared along on of the castle walls. I tried to warn Potter, but when he tried to move away from it, it started pulling at us. Dragging us into it. After that all I remember is walking up, outside during the day.

While I don’t know how we got here. We have worked out a plan to get back. We hope.

Inclosed in another letter is a set of instructions and supplies. Potter assures me that the twins can get a few of the harder things to find. And I believe him. Let them help, Sev, please.

The hardest part of the spell, outside from needed help from people in our time. Is time.

We have no idea if the days are passing at the same rate. Or if we are moving at a different pace. Which leaves us with a problem. How can we work the spell on the same at the same time, if we don’t know. I am trying desperately to find a suitable time. I will send another letter, hopefully when you get this one. You will get that one as well.

Hope you are well,

Draco.

                                                  Lucius POV

He watched as one of the Weasley twins knelt down over the box. He felt worried as the young man handed out letters to everyone in their group. He had to will his hands not to shake as he took his. What Draco okay? What had happened to him? Why hadn’t he just come home?

Taking a deep breath, he opened his letter.

                                                  Father,

I am sorry. I know me disappearing cannot have been easy on you. And to make matters worse, I’m sure the Dark Lord thinks I have run off like a coward. While I do not believe in him like you do, I would never betray you.

I have explained most of this in detail to Severus, what happened, please read it there.

However, I must ask you not to show this letter to anyone, (outside of Fred and George, as they are the only two Potter trusts.). Potter is a submissive. A bound one, father, I don’t know what to do. He is emerging slowly and he has never been informed about any of it. I have tried to help him. But we don’t know anything about the Potter line or their inheritance.

Dumbledore! The man Potter has trust above anyone else, is the one who bound him. 7 different spells, father I was furious when I saw them. It seems being here, in the past, is causing them to unravel, but I fear for what will happen once we return. The headmaster is sure to feel his spells have gone. I don’t think Potter has thought about it. Truth he is distracted. Between his inheritance and being around his parents, I don’t blame him.

Another note, his so called friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, are liars. He found out they have been faking their friendship with him all these years. I don’t know what they are telling people, but watch them closely and believe nothing.

Now for the part of the letter Potter, will kill me for. Find Remus Lupin. He is important to Potter and I have seen how protective the younger version of the man is towards Potter. No way he would ever betray him. I know the circle is set to stop you from speaking to anyone else, but I have written in an expectation, not that Potter or the goblins know. You can tell Remus, everything. I believe he needs to know. Potter is going to need him when we get back.

I know you joked about me being in love with Potter, with how often I talked about him. At least I had thought it was a joke. But in truth, I am confused. I feel drawn to him. And here in this time, with no one influencing us, we have become friends. I am not sure though if it’s me that is drawn to him or my cat. I hate feeling confused father.

I hope to see you soon.

Love, Dragon.

                                                Blaise POV

It felt strange to be standing a a circle with two older students (well ex) that he had never said a word to before, his professor and his best friends father. He knew which families stood on which sides of the on war, and the fact that these four people (not counting him) had been not only civil towards each other but seemed to be in agreement to trust that this was all set up by Harry Potter and Draco surprised the hell out of him. So much so, that he jumped with the smiling Weasley handed him a letter with his name on it.

“Thanks.” He muttered, turning it over and breaking the seal. When a deep breath he read it.

                                                 Blaise,

Time travel is real. And it is horrible.

I never wanted to know things about my father, that I now know.

I’m sorry if my disappearance scared you. Or if it has in anyway caused you problems.

I explained most of this in Severus letter. But Potter and I have been thrown back in time, going to school with our parents, and we need help to return.

I am also sorry to drag you into this. I know how you feel about getting involved with the war, and this helping Harry Potter, return, will impact the war. No matter how I look at it, I know that. Either he will come back and win or lose, but either way it means he will be there. I am sorry. You are my best friend and the only friend I trust. Speaking of, Don’t trust Pansy. I caught her sneaking off private information to her father. Be Careful, I think they tend you force your mother's hand.

Also, I will never punch you again, when you joke about my obsession with Potter.

Please help Father and Severus. Also the Weasley twins. Potter tells me that they are smarter than they appear and of ways of sneaking unnoticed into Hogwarts. Maybe you can learn a few interesting things from them. Don’t Trust Ron or Granger.

Draco

                                                   Fred’s POV

Fred saved his and George’s for last, ignore the three still in the box addressed to them and Snape with the number 2 and 3. Then he stood next to George, who he let open it. Because he wasn’t sure his nerves would have been able too. He took one last breath, hoping his little brother was okay, and read it.

                                             Fred & George,

Hey guys. I’m not sure how to say this. Or if you will even believe me. So I guess I’ll start with the beginning. Towards the end of the year, I received a letter for Snuffles. Telling me not to trust Dumbledore. No explanation on why, just not to trust him.

I was angry at him at first. And confused. I thought the headmaster was our friend. But I have learned recently not all those I thought are friends are. Like Ron, please believe me, I heard him and Hermione talking about me. They HATE me. I don’t know why. I don’t even know if they have always felt that way or if it something knew. I don’t know what I did to make them feel that way. I wish I did. That way I could at least understand why they are faking our friendship. With them and Dumbledore, lying to me. I had to question a lot of things lately. Like my other friends. I hated that I started to doubt, everyone. You guys, Remus, even Sirius (briefly), and I pray I judged you right and that by sending you this letter, you understand my doubt.  

Now as for a bigger bombshell. I’m in the past. With my parents! And Remus and Sirius! They are so different. More happy and relaxed, and it hurts knowing what is going to happen to them. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t save them from it. No matter how much I want to. But I finally got to know my mum and dad, a little. I’m scared to get to close to them. But actually seeing them and talking to them. It’s so strange. And kinda great.

I don’t know how we (Malfoy is with me. He isn’t an arse, well not completely, or a dark wizard) got here. But Malfoy has found a way to get us home. Hopefully. He sent a letter with all the information. And as much as I dislike Snape and don’t trust Malfoy’s father, I need you guys to help them. You and Blaise, can get it the castle and the common rooms to get something to use as a tether. And you all (expect Malfoy) can be there to perform the spell.

I need you guys to do me another favor though.

Look into Sirius’s trial. I have been thinking it over. And I can’t remember anyone mentioning one. How could he have been sent away if he was never tried?

Can you also looking into werewolves getting custody of children. I wanna know why I wasn’t sent to him when Sirius was locked away. Why did I have to go to my Aunt and Uncle? I can’t believe it was because Remus didn’t want me. It doesn’t make sense.

Also, please ask the goblins about my accounts. I have a theory about something and need you to see if anyone outside of me as access. I have written a letter, giving you permission. I need you to know that it’s not that I don’t trust you, because I do. But the letter is spelled. It will only open if you are true in you desire to help me. Sorry.

I miss you guys,

Harry

“Fucking hell!” His brother shouted as they finished. George turned to him, “I’m going to murder him.” He nodded. He couldn’t believe what Ron had been doing.

“Umm…” A quiet voice asked, causing both of them to look over at the stunning olive skinned Slytherin, Fred really wanted to get to know better. He was sure his brother would agree, “Kill who?” The both chuckled.

Then frowned, “Our brother.” He said. “He’s been lying to Harry.” His brother added.

He bent back down to the box, handed Snape his second letter and third letter, and took his back to George. “It seems we have some other business to attend too,” he said looking over the strange group, “before we can leave. However, if any of you which to talk all this over, we have a flat over our shop. You can meet us there tomorrow.”

The young Slytherin nodded and he looked to the older two. Who seemed to be having a silent conversation with their eyes. He grinned, it was weird to see someone else do that. He wondered just how close the two men where that they could? He had know they were friends, and that they both worked with Voldemort. But Malfoy had called Snape Draco’s godfather? So they had to be close, at least enough for the elder Malfoy you trust the potions master with his son.

His brother nudged him, and he looked down at the letter. They both touched it and it gave a soft glow, then unwrapped itself. They looked at each other and let out a relieved breath.

[everyonewillsee]

“Jon gasps and Lovett lets his other hand reach out…. his body fitting perfectly, soundly home against Jon’s” from ‘Left on the ground’ because I’m obsessed with this scene.

REUNION!

This fic was sparked by a h/c prompts list that included something to the effect of “I thought you were dead for ten years and now you’re on my doorstep, I love you, I hate you, what the fuck,” so this scene is pretty much the raison d’être for the whole thing.

When Sev and I first chatted through this part, we were actually in Lovett’s POV after backtracking to talk about him on the island (a coda I’ll hopefully write someday when I manage to get rid of whatever writers block I’ve got going on rn) so this scene is one that I can see all the angles because I’ve been in both their heads:

Jon gasps and Lovett lets his other hand reach out, grabbing for Jon’s shoulder. “Would I look like this in a dream? Would Pundit be growling at me- angel, hey - in a dream? Would the men in black who I’m sure are watching us like hawks from the street be here in a dream?” Lovett presses, his voice stronger and surer as he speaks.“No. Yes, I don’t know,” Jon runs his thumb under Lovett’s eyes, over deep, dark bruises that look like they must hurt. “I’ve been dreaming about this for so long. How are you here?“

Jon is so sure he’s looking at yet another ghost created by his imagination. It probably takes him a while after Lovett comes back to be completely sure it’s real, see his little check-in with Steph and the way he wakes up panicked. And of course, Lovett rambling, utterly himself, is what convinces him, every time. 

“You know, ocean, island, some real survivor shit- I can catch and skin and cook fish now, I have skills - boats and scary military dudes and-” waves his hand a little, “ta da.” Lovett sounds confident, blase, joking. But Jon knows him too well. The little tremor in his voice gives him away every time.

One of my favorite things to write in this second half (and the hardest) is the balance Lovett would find in talking about something this traumatic. Most of the times he talks about it, it’s this joking tone, trying to turn it into a funny story for Andy, for the listeners, even for Jon and Dan and Tommy until they push. And yet Jon knows when to push and gets sincerity, and in the immediately post-fic visit with his family, I think his mom and Steph get him to talk too, cause the truth can’t possibly be worse than the suffering they imagined for a year.Jon’s shoulders drop. Dream Lovett is never quite this vivid. When he tears his eyes away for a second, sure enough there are terrifying men in dark military gear and an official looking car in his driveway. Maybe.Jon glances at the car, then down at Pundit, who’s inching forward and sniffing at Lovett’s hospital shoes. He whispers through the knot in his throat, “Lovett? you’re really- Jon?”Lovett’s voice breaks on a sob. “I’m really.”Jon’s hands shake as he grabs Lovett tighter and pulls him into a fierce, tight hug and Lovett gasps out “Jon!” as he hugs him so so tight, so so real. Alive and here.“I’ve,” Jon leans his cheek against Lovett’s shoulder, bonier than it should be, but real. “I’ve thought about this so many times, but I never imagined-”

[whispers] it’s so fun to torture them because then you get this JOY.Lovett shakes his head and holds Jon even tighter. Jon squeezes him, heart pounding and Lovett is real and solid and here and he has the second chance he never thought he’d have, he can’t waste a fucking second.Jon takes a rattling and shaky breath and runs a hand down Lovett’s back. “I love you.”

I had a passing thought that the love confessions should wait, not long, but until everybody had like, eaten breakfast. But Jon’s been swimming in regret and wishing to tell him for the whole year, he can’t wait, and especially when I got to actually writing the scene, he was so determined that I couldn’t have held him back if I wanted to. Thus, frantic doorway kisses.Lovett sobs out a breath and pulls back, just enough to look at him. “Not a day went by on that island when I didn’t wish I’d told you, before it was too late,” he says forcefully.Jon shakes his head, barely able to see through his tears and needing so desperately to see him, to feel him, to prove to himself that this is real. “Me too.“Lovett’s hands go to his face before Jon realizes they’ve moved, holding him still, looking at him intently. “I love you so much.” And then he pulls Jon towards him and kisses him desperately.

Tiny spoiler/maybe obvious part of Lovett’s POV here: he’s spent a year convincing himself that Jon’s definitely moved on, probably didn’t care that much in the first place, and wishing that he had just SAID HOW HE FELT and got an answer. And he spent the entire long journey home trying to figure out what would happen when he knocked on Jon’s door and this is far beyond his imagining.

They’re both so happy it makes me cry.

It still feels like a dream, but Jon pulls him close, tripping a bit and catching them both against the side of the doorjamb as he kisses Lovett with an entire year’s worth of anger and regret and fear.Jon pulls back the tiniest fraction of an inch to whisper "I am so in love with you,” and then kisses Lovett more. Lovett whines into his mouth and presses closer, his body fitting perfectly, soundly home against Jon’s.

I have nothing to say except: Lovett is home.

[fyeahjamesandlily]

we could be royalty (king and queen of nowhere)

gift for @expectoepatronums

an; wow okay so! this is my first actual jily fic and i do hope it was good for you and everyone and this was so much fun to write ahh. happy holidays or just happy winter idk but i hope you’re having a lovely day today.

rating; teen and up

word count; 10,612

–

The first time she ever saw her soulmate she was 10 and had eaten an entire jar full of peanut butter on a dare. She was so tired she fell asleep and dreams of stormy nights with the stars still out. It’s raining and she is cold so she starts looking around for somewhere to hide. There is a cave and as she gets closer to it, Lily sees another figure huddled in it.

Lily marches into the cave eyeing the person. Logically she knows that she is in a dream and nothing can happen to her. Curiosity bubbles beneath her and finally she blurts out “Who are you? I’ve never seen you before”

The other boy looks up and grins at her. He has hazel eyes she realizes, they’re the same colour as Petunia’s, and he has black hair just like Sev’s. But his hair juts out everywhere and for a second she wonders if a lightning from Zeus hit it. “I’m James” he introduces himself “who are you?”

“Lily of the Evans residence” she says in her best grown-up voice. She heard Petunia answer the phone once saying that phrasing and liked it. “What’re you doing here?”

At this he grows quiet and scuffs his shoes around. Lily realizes she has hit a nerve and looks away trying to think of something else to say so he doesn’t feel as bad. “I was looking for some friends” he finally says quietly with a hint of sadness seeping into his tone

Lily frowns looking at him with hands in his pockets.  It doesn’t suit him she decides, and neither does the sadness on his face. “Well I’m your friend now” she tells him. He looks up at her a little startled and she grabs his hands. “C’mon lets go play something fun”

They play together for a while. She isn’t sure how long it was but after a while he complained that he was getting tired so they both sat down. “So this is your dream” he finally says

“Yeah. What do you think?” she asks

He shrugs and looks around. His hair is still messy and his glasses are lopsided on his face. “Most of my dreams are about me being a wizard and beating a dragon. Or becoming a wizard and using magic to pull pranks around the world and making people laugh. This is just really plain”

Lily shrugs loosely and looks around. They’re sitting at a beach, the night not quite there yet, a soft glow on the sky. A few stars already were coming out and the moon lazily hovered above them, the sea expanding above the two of them. “Here” she finally says “there are rows of houses, the kind with nice families who always did their work on time, had money, and their biggest fight in their houses was what to have for dinner. And I live in them with my family. My dad comes home every night after work and he helps me with my homework. Mom takes me to school perfectly on time and lets me help her with dinner. And Petunia, my sister” she pauses for a second “she is happy” Lily ends looking down at the sand

The boy turns to look at her. He stares at her like she is a puzzle, a mystery he wants to solve but isn’t sure how. “I like it then. Its nice. And its what you want”

She blushes and pushes him lightly into the sand. They get into a sand castle competition and hers keeps falling apart. After a while her mom comes out and she smells like strawberries instead of liquor. When she comes the boy gets up and brushes the sand off and raises out his hand.

“Hi Ms. Evans” he says politely trying not to giggle, “I’m James of the Potter residence”

Her mom grins and shakes his hand and offers to help them with their sand castle. They play for a while longer, the evening lasting as long as they need it to. When Lily’s dad comes out James introduces himself again and her dad brings them lemonade with sandwich ice creams. Hes wearing a clean shirt, his tie slightly loosened since coming back from his job. Lily giggles as James falls into his castle by mistake and he splashes at her feet. They get into what James calls, ‘the greatest water war in the history of wars’ while Lily’s parents stay on the beach distracting one another by kissing.

They go back to shore hand in hand. On the beach Lily finds a big stick and writes ‘Lily is better than James at building sand castles’ and he crosses their name and switches it around. She laughs and he trips over his feet again. Eventually Lily’s mom calls them inside their house and they race to see who gets there first.

In the morning Lily can’t remember anything. She sits in bed for an hour trying to remember any details, but nothing comes to mind. Not his name or face or if it even was a him. She thinks he made her laugh. She thinks her family was there too, and they were all happy.

+

The day before Lily’s twelfth birthday she comes home from school to see her mother asleep on the couch. A bottle of vodka is lazily lying beside her, above all of the pens and unpaid bills. Lily takes out her wallet and takes out half her bills and stuffs them in her mom’s purse. She picks up the bottle and quietly makes her way upstairs.

On the third step there is sounds of ruffling and Lily can hear the couch groaning as her mother sits up. She feels her mom turn around and look at the back of Lily, “Hey honey. How was school today?”

“Fine mom”

“Anything interesting?”

Lily thinks about Jimmy Barker telling her to bend over, thinks about all of his friends laughing. She thinks about the anger that coursed through her veins and how she punched him squarely in the jaw. His friends attacked her and now she was sporting a black eye and possibly a broken finger or two.

“No mom, nothing interesting” she says lying easily through her teeth before running upstairs.

She sits on her bed and pours out some of the vodka. She’s never had some before and a part of her wants to try it. Carefully she pours some out and presses the wet liquor against her eye. In old movies she watched the guy always dab some on and just like that the injury was gone. In the back of her mind she knows that movies aren’t reliable sources for medical things but they can’t afford to go to the hospital so this’ll have to do.

She tucks the bottle away under her bed and lays in bed. She considers taking a nap, she has detention later and she’ll probably have to write lines or something. But her dreams always involve that boy and she can never remember him and it’s so frustrating. The worst part is even if she did remember anything it would be no help. She couldn’t draw and she couldn’t afford to travel around the world just to find her soulmate like they did on the t.v. shows.

Once she asked her mother what all the rich people were looking for going place to place. Her mom told her that they were looking for their soulmate. What happened was that a person’s soulmate came to them in dreams and you could talk to them. That confused Lily because she had dreams with a lot of people, did that mean she had multiple soulmates? And her mom looked at her fondly in that way only moms can and told her that she could have multiple soulmates. She could have a best-friend soulmate or a romantic soulmate. The dreams with the romantic soulmate were always the hardest to remember her mom told her. Lily wanted to ask more questions but her mom looked tired so she went to bed.

Lily glances at the clock and realizes the time. Her mother is still downstairs and would see the bruises so Lily opens her window and goes down the fire escape. Her arms swing aimlessly as she walks down the streets on her way back to the school. She wonders about her soulmate. She wonders if they can see all the bruises on her body and what they think of her.

That’s the thing about soulmates she thinks. You could only see them in your dreams and in reality the only way to prove to the other you exist is through markings on your skin. She hopes her soulmate doesn’t think too badly of her for painting his body with bruises she doesn’t quite understand either. She always thinks that he’ll ask her at night but he never does. In her dreams they play on the beach and she doesn’t lie to her mom. He does handstands and she pushes him into the water. The moon hovers over them, lazily watching. And she could live off of that forever.

+

Lily is sixteen and isn’t sure the difference between offensive and offense. She’ll ask her soulmate, she decides as she sways her hips at Thomas Martin’s party. People keep bumping into her and the music is thumping into her skull. Lily makes her way to a table and fills her red cup. The alcohol rushes to he head and all she can understand is dancing with the music filling her head. She likes it better that way. That way she doesn’t have to deal with her thoughts.

When she’s done with her cup she puts it down forcibly looking around. Everyone around her seems to be taken except for a a few. From the corner of her eye she spies Alison Coy and makes her way towards her. She looks exceptional in her red dress. Its been a little over a year since Lily’s realized that girls are just as lovely to her as boys.

“Hey Alison” Lily slurs leaning against the wall. A part of her wonders how much she’s drunk tonight and another doesn’t really care.

Alison opens her mouth to respond when another guy Lily doesn’t know slides next to her. He starts chatting up Alison and Lily holds back a sigh before turning to leave. Outside the fresh air hits her like a slap as she makes her way across the town. Her feet wobble in her heels but Lily doesn’t have the energy to take them off.

She finds a park bench and falls down on it crawling into herself. Her eyes close her heads spins and then she is at a diner with James. He looks fainter and fuzzier than normal but she can still tell it’s him. She would always be able to tell James apart from a crowd.

“Lily” his voice comes to her faintly. It feels like he’s a thousand miles away even though she knows that he’s he’s right in front of her. “Lily you okay?”

“I’m fine James” she says hiccuping. “I’m just. fucked up”

She can feel him relax against the booth and rolls his eyes. “So am I. All the time, you should visit my dreams one of these nights”

He keeps fading and Lily gets scared that he’s going to disappear from her completely. She grabs his hands and interlocks fingers holding on tightly to make sure he doesn’t run away from her like everyone else.

“Lily” he says again, “Lils I’m right here. I’m never going anywhere”

“Promise” she asks him her voice not really hers

“Pinkie promise” he swears

She holds onto him still waiting for him to be focused in all the darkness. She loosens her hold on him and a waitress comes around to get their order. She orders fries and some soda. He orders a milkshake. When the waitress comes back around he switches their drink and she kicks his leg.

“The milkshake will help clear your head” he tells her, rubbing the spot she just kicked. She looks at the milkshake eyebrows raised. “Really I swear” he tells her

She rolls her eyes but that makes her head hurt too so she drinks her milkshake while he steals some of her fries. She tries to be mad but she finds out she can never be mad at him.

“Hey James?” she asks after a while. They were talking about if a whale or a shark would win in a fight and other things that didn’t matter. “James do you. Do you like believe in soulmates?”

He fixes her hazel eyes on her and nods. “Yeah I do,” For a few seconds he hesitates then asks “do you?”

“I think you’re mine” she says without looking at anything.

“I’d be okay with it” he tells her and when she looks up abruptly he keeps her gaze. He’s the only one who’ll do that she realized a while ago. Most other people focus on some other point but when she looks at him he looks right back.

“It isn’t okay if we never meet”

“One day we might get lucky enough too” and the words ring in her head for hours later. She thinks about all the people that are lucky enough to see him everyday and envies them. She wishes she could remember him at least, or part of him or anything because she thinks then maybe she’d be better. She would get into less fights, try harder, be better.

“Hey I have a question” James says jostling her out of her thoughts. They’ve left the diner now, walking on the street barefoot because Lily couldn’t bother with shoes. Its empty, the houses are abandoned, shattered glass laying around, paint chipped. Some parts are burned others are taken over by plants. Everything is quiet except for the sound of the two of them walking.

“Whats up?”

“What happened to the beach where we built sand castles in the evening and you ate ice cream until it melted?”

She grows quiet and looks around. There isn’t an ice cream parlor and the sky has been black for weeks now. She wonders if she can even remember the hues of pink and purple that streaked the sky.

“It didn’t really get anywhere with it” she responds and it really isn’t a lie. Petunia didn’t love her all of a sudden, her dad never came back, and and her mother still could only face the world while clutching a bottle.

“Oh” he says after a moment and it sounds like he understands. She looks at him from the corner of her eye and wonders what his life is like, if it is as good as she romanticizes it or if he’s got shit hiding in his closet.

She grabs his hand and runs, tugging him behind her. She dreams up an ocean and a beach and it isn’t as perfect as they had when she was younger but she tries. Lily sits down the ocean licking her legs while her hair runs with the wind.

“Hey I have an idea” he says

“Is it a good one?”

“Of course not”

She grins and looks up at him, “I’m in”

“So you told me that you want to remember me when you wake. And so do I, it’s been driving me insane when I’m awake. The only things I can remember is this girl with orange hair”

“My hair isn’t orange it is red!”

He waves his hand as if it is an unimportant detail, “same difference. Anyways I was thinking and maybe we could mark up our bodies”

She blinks, “Tattoos James? Are you sure?”

He nods and blinks. When he opens his eyes again she is holding a box and is already laying out the materials.

“Help me then you idiot” she says and he grins.

He lies on his side and points to his ribcage. Someone once told him that it was one of the most painful places to get a tattoo but he wants to feel it. Lily hesitates slightly and looks down at him. His hair is full of sand his skin stands out brightly against the sand. She isn’t even sure how to tattoo a person but he looked as if he needed it so she went along. She would go along with anything he wanted she realizes and the thought terrifies her slightly.

“Hey,” he reaches for her wrist, “I’ll be fine. Just tattoo whatever you want. It doesn’t have to be Van Gogh level or whatever”

Lily takes a deep breath and starts. Her hands shakes a lot and she pauses so many times but she likes the feeling of his skin under hers. When she is done she stops and admires her hand work.

“Love is also a violence and cannot be undone” he repeats raising a single brow

“I read it in a book. I liked it” she tells him grinning

He laughs and pulls her closer to him. She nestles where his heart is, making sure she isn’t touching the area she just marked. She can hear his heart beating in the bars of a ribcage and wants to stuff herself into it.

“You know I have this friend Remus. I think you’d like him”

“Yeah?” she asks her eyes watching the horizon where the sky and sea meet.

“Yeah he is also into all the nerdy book crap”

She laughs and pushes him off. He splashes water at her and suddenly they’re 10 and everything feels okay. For a moment everything feels okay.

+

They move. Their mom tells them that she has a friend who has a job for her and they can be happy there. Petunia and Lily smile but its hollowed out, a shell of what it once was.

They move to a city with more people who are too busy running around to pay attention to three lonely scared girls. They move into an apartment and get a t.v. in their rooms and a bathroom that works. There’s still a fire escape from Lily’s room.

The first day she goes to school Fitz William grabs her hand and starts to whisper dirty things into her ear. She punches him and then calmly steps over the body as if nothing bad happened.

A rumor goes around the school that she had to move in the middle of the school year because she killed three and a half people. A kid named Matt Lawson goes around and tells everyone that her hair is so red because it’s full of blood she couldn’t wash out.

Principal Dumbledore calls her in. He’s an old man with half moon glasses and a beard so long it would put Rapunzel to shame. She struggles not to laugh when he tells her that he really doesn’t care what she’s done in the past but please do not murder people on school property, Filch the janitor would just get more put off. Lily tells him that she’ll do her best to not do so and as she’s leaving his office he calls out “Fitz William is suspended and the minute he returns he has detention for the rest of the year”

Lily thanks him and leaves.

+

In English class she sits at the front. They’re learning about old Disney films and their impact on literature. The teacher, Professor McGonagall calls on a boy named Remus. The name sounds familiar to Lily but when she turns around she can’t recognize the boy whose freckles stand out against his dark complexion.

“Well for instance in Snow White, the Evil Queen says ‘mirror mirror on the wall’-”

“Magic mirror” Lily interrupts.

The boy turns to look at her a brow perfectly rose. “Excuse me?”

“The line” Lily explains feeling everyone’s eyes on her, “is ‘magic mirror on the wall’. You probably think its ‘mirror mirror’ due to the Mandela effect”

The entire class is silent. Not only did the new, possibly murdering, girl correct Remus but she was right.

“Who are you?” he asks her interrupting the delicate silence

“Sleepy”

He breaks into a grin and reaches out his hand. “I’m Grumpy”

“Well it is a pleasure to meet you” she says and he laughs.

+

“Oi idiots come down here I’ve got a surprise for you” Remus calls up

Lily waits by his side patiently as three boys swung down from the tree.

“It is a girl” a boy says.

“How observant of you Peter” another one responds.

“Shut up Sirius”

Sirius flips Peter off and turns to the girl. “Well m’lady I’m Sirius. And this twat over that is Peter and I see you’ve already met Remus. And this is James” he says bowing down and kissing her hand.

“M’lady? I know this school believes in tradition but we aren’t in the 16th century”

Sirius grins and nods. “I like you” to which she responds “I don’t give a fuck”

+

She fits in well with their group of misfit toys. At least one of them is in one of her classes so she’s never alone. They sometimes hang out at Remus’s room, or on the roof of Sirius’s house. Peter has a balcony to dance on when they’re drunk, but oftentimes they wind up at the diner her mom claims to work at but suspiciously is never there when they hang out. Then one day while aimlessly walking through the streets Lily sees her mom exiting a club counting the bills in her hand and she runs home and throws up.

When she leaves the bathroom she sees Petunia in her room. The door is open and Petunia is nursing the bruises marking her body. She looks up and sees Lily watching her and gets up to close the door.

“Who did this to you” Lily whispers

“No one. Myself. I fell down” Petunia says and they both know it’s a lie

“Petunia please” Lily tries again and she isn’t sure why it’ll work this time. The two of them hadn’t talked in years, at school she pretended Lily wasn’t her sister and their mom wasn’t her mom.

“Nothing, go away Lily,” Petunia says and it’s the first time she’s used Lily’s name since they were 10. Her phone rings and the name ‘Vernon’ flashes the screen. Petunia’s eyes widen slightly and she pushes Lily out scared, and locks the door.

Lily sits against the wall for hours wondering when this happened, and how she didn’t notice it before.

+

She hangs out with the boys everyday. They’ve become her normal even though they’re anything but. At Peter’s house she tries and bakes with him but messes up even more that they end up with a giant mess she blames on him. He rolls his eyes and throws flour at her and they end up having to call the rest of the boys at three in the morning to help them. Sirius laughs and takes picture of Lily with white hair while Remus promptly turns around and goes to sleep on the couch. James slides on it and falls breaking his leg. They take him to the hospital while laughing.

When he’s in the hospital Lily visits him everyday. She tells him about how Remus fell asleep in class because he was so tired and how Sirius and her painted every locker purple with pink polka dots. She hands him all of his homework to which he throws out and tells her he can’t do it, he’s injured.

She gets closer to him like she hasn’t with anyone in a long time. They argue while throwing grapes at each other to see who can get under whose skin first but they get along. He feels like an old fiend to her, ever since the first day they met and Lily corrected Remus and told Sirius to fuck off. He’s steady, like an island amidst the entire ocean. And really Lily needs that these days. Someone to hold onto.

+

Lily hears shouting as she approaches the apartment door. She opens the door and everything’s a mess. Petunia is yelling and her mom is shouting. There is a hurricane in her living room and Lily is standing in the eye of it, completely paralyzed.

“Petunia that boy isn’t good he’s hitting you!”

“Vernon loves me”

“Vernon loves himself and nothing more Petunia please” her mother pleads tears flowing down her face freely. Her makeup is smeared and her clothes are tattered.

“At least he isn’t a fucking prostitute” Petunia shouts her face turning ugly at the word. Before anything else happens she grabs a pair of key and runs out of the apartment without looking back.

Her mother swallows and slowly goes around the room cleaning up the mess. Lily hesitantly goes to hold her mother. She chokes back a sob until Lily starts rubbing her back. She collapses in herself and cries into Lily’s hair.

“I’m sorry baby girl this is the only way I could” her mom hiccups

Lily shakes her head her eyes closing in any tears that would want to wander out. “It’s okay, it’s okay”

+

Her mom’s in the living room the next morning looking around frantically. Neither of them talk about what happened last night but it’s there, as a constant presence. Lily wonders if she’s supposed to hang posters or something.

She wanders into the kitchen and puts bread in the toaster. She picks off the little mold that’s starting to grow. Her mom falls down on her knees to look under the table.

“G’morning mom” she says searching the cupboard for jam. Her crop top rises and as she glances down she sees the words ‘love is also a violence and cannot be undone’ she’s had for years now. Her mom looks up and frowns slightly.

“You got a tattoo?” she asks rubbing her hands.

“No, soulmate did. It appeared on me when I woke up” Lily explains shutting the cupboard.

“Huh” her mom says turning her attention around. “Hey baby girl have you seen my phone anywhere?”

“Try-”

“Ah! Never mind I found it. See you baby have a nice day at school” her mother shouts

Lily opens her mouth but shuts it after the door closes. “See ya” she says to the empty apartment.

+

Sirius calls Lily at one in the morning.

“Hey you want to go for a walk?”

“The hell? It isn’t even six yet Sirius”

“So no? I can always go and call James”

“No,” she grumbles “I’m coming”

“Good because I’m standing outside your window right now” and just as he says that a pebble is thrown at her window.

Lily puts on socks and grabs a sweatshirt that is barely holding together. She climbs down the fire escape, landing in front of him. His hair is in dreads while his hands are tucked away nicely in his pocket. He looks up at her as she comes down.

“I like your outfit” she tells him smirking. It’s an image of Tom and Jerry but with the face of Queen Victoria instead.

He grins and they start walking down the street the gravel crunching underneath their feet. She lets him lead her around the streets until finally asking him “whats up?”

“The sky”

“Sirius this isn’t 2012 you cannot keep making those jokes”

He takes a deep breath and looks at her. “I applied to UPenn,” he tells her. “Today, last night whatever. I applied and stuff”

Lily grins and jumps up to hug him. “Sirius that’s great! We could end up going to the same university!” she yells jumping around.

“If I even get in” he mumbles scuffing his shoes.

“You will,” she reassures him, “and if not Remus learned how to hack. We’ll fuck the system” she tells him and a hint of a smile appears on his face.

“Yeah but still…” he says anxiety filling his bones, “I’m a black muslim kid who has more detentions than anyone in the entire school. And I’m nowhere near as intelligent as everyone else is applying and I’m just.” he stops and Lily understands.

“Hey,” she says holding him squarely, “You’re enough. For everyone, for UPenn, for the world” she says and he releases a breath of air he didn’t even know he was holding.

“So are you” he says and Lily blinks, surprised. “Lils you are just as important and as needed as anyone else. More actually” he says and Lily turns away so she doesn’t have to face him.

“Yeah sure, whatever,” she says.

He jogs to keep up with her and they wind up at a ShopRiteLIQUOR store. Lily pulls out the I.D. she has from before she moved and buys a bottle of vodka while he looks around to make sure no cops are coming.

They walk to an abandoned field and lie down. They pass the bottle among each other getting drunk and slurring their words. As they fall down Lily points up to the stars and tells him each of the constellation names.

“How” he says slowly “do yah know all of these stars”

“I uh. I learned them after my dad left. He likes stars” she says closing her eyes. She wonders if he still does.

“I wish my dad would leave” Sirius says after a while. “He just yells when I’m around. So does my mom.”

“I’m sorry” she says and she means it. Sirius is too kind to have to put up with such a harsh world.

“Not your fault” he says quietly. “That’s why I was so happy when I met James and Remus and Peter. They help…calm down the noise sometimes” he says

“Yeah” Lily hums. “You help too. Or at least with me. You help quiet the hurricane going on”

“That’s really poetic of you”

“Thanks”

He laughs and she lays on his stomach. There aren’t any clouds in the night sky, just the moon lazily hovering over the two of them. She passes the bottle to him and when it’s completely empty the two of them take it and throw it as far as they can. Laughing Lily tumbles back into her apartment dragging Sirius behind her. They fall asleep on a pile of clothes.

+

James flicks her ear as she sits down. She flicks him back and grabs the popcorn bowl from his lap and turns her attention back to the movie playing in front of him.

“So what’d I miss?”

“Well the girl found out that whats-his-name is actually the blue guy so now she is really angry at him and that dumb guy is acting angsty”

“Your explanations are always so helpful and detailed” she tells him. He laughs and she flicks a popcorn into his eye.

He eats in loudly pointedly and Lily laughs. She originally came over to do the history project with him but they ended up distracted and watching Megamind. She is mildly annoyed because her average is currently an A and this would probably drag it down but she also doesn’t have the energy to do anything about it.

“I hope she doesn’t end up with either of them” he tells her

“What if one of them is her soulmate?” she asks

“Doesn’t matter. Neither of them deserve her” James says taking a handful of popcorn from her.

She pauses the movie and turns to look at him. “You think that even if two people are each other’s soulmate one might not deserve the other?”

“Yeah. Like,” he says sitting up, “one of them might be really toxic. Or maybe only one of them puts in the emotional labor and the other doesn’t. It isn’t fair or right”

“Like my parents” she says partly to herself.

He grows quiet but curiosity bubbles beneath him. “My dad just. Left us one day. He forced my mom to take care of two kids without a single cent to help”

“That sucks” he finally says

“Yeah” Lily laughs. “Like when I was younger I used to dream that he would be here. And my mom would have a steady job and everything would be great and I’d be happy. But I guess that wasn’t really my fate” she says laughing humorlessly.

“Hey” he says sitting up. “You’re going to be happy. You deserve it more than any of us”

Lily swallows and wonders when they got so close. She was on a roller coaster once, at a school carnival. She remembers the dizzy free falling feeling pumping through her veins that came with the steep drop. Having James so close felt so much like that; Lily giggles and coughs hoping her cheeks aren’t as red as she feels.

“What about you Potter? What’re you sob stories?”

James sits back his eyes still on her. He knows she is just changing the subject but plays along with her. “Well I don’t have as tragic of a past as you” he says. “My mom was just really busy with work and stuff you know? She would be in and out and sometimes she’d be gone for weeks at a time. My dad ended up taking care of my and raising me more than anything else”

“You miss her a lot?” Lily asks tangling her legs with James’.

“Sometimes. But really I think the two of them are such different people, the fact that they’re separated at times is actually good. They can have a break and then meet up again with a clear head”

“Why don’t they just get divorced?”

He shrugs and takes a handful of popcorn. “It’s too expensive I think. And plus my dad is really sentimental, he completely believes in all of the soulmate stuff so” he says, “I just sometimes wish she was around more”

“Maybe they can work it out someday” Lily says softly

“Maybe” he says. They’re quiet for a moment but then Lily hits play again and they go back to watching t.v.

+

Lily accidentally tells Remus that her 18th birthday is in two days. She makes him swear to not tell anyone else but then Sirius saunters up to her and tells her that they are going to throw her the biggest party ever.

“Fuck Sirius please don’t”

“It’s too late, it’s out of my hands I’m afraid” Sirius says

Lily turns to James with her best doe-eyes. “James please no big party”

James feels his heart go weak and instead turns to Sirius who smirks at him. “I’m sorry baby girl it is well out of my hands” he says grinning

“Jesus fuck” Lily says groaning into her hands

+

The day of her birthday she wakes up to find several hundred bouquets of flowers in her room. At the foot of her bed there is a card that says ‘Happy Birthday Lils I got you a million flowers. I don’t know what Sirius and James are planning so whatever happens don’t blame me. I love you and you’re wonderful. - Grumpy’ Lily grins and tucks a single flower in her hair.

When she gets to school she stands on her toes and plants a kiss on Remus’s cheek. He looks down at her with a smile and pulls her closer, kissing the top of her head. “Happy Birthday”

“How much did the flowers cost?” she asks him. She knows it must have been a lot.

“Not much. Just like. Three hundred and seventy two dollars” he shrugs

Lily’s mouth drops open slightly. She wonders how many night shifts he must have had to cover in order to pay for that, especially with his medical bills.

“Good God Remus I need to pay you back here” she says reaching for her wallet. She knows she only has a couple of twenties but she has to pay him back in some way.

“Lils” he says putting his hands out, “I don’t want any cash. It’s your birthday”

“I still feel bad” she confesses

“Don’t. You’ll be making it up by putting up with whatever Sirius and James have planned” he reminds her

She groans and he laughs. They walk into the school together, speculating over what they might be planning. As they walk into their English class Lily’s jaw drops completely as she takes in the sight. Everyone in the class is in a pyramid wearing a ridiculously bright neon coloured shirt, with a giant banner that says ‘FUCK LILY EVANS IS 18 AND THUS. OLD’. Peter takes a picture of her face and Professor McGonagall sits on her chair behind her desk with a flower crown on her head.

“Mr. Black and Mr. Potter, I have been generous enough to allow you to do this now will you get out so I can teach my class”

“Absolutely not Prof. We still need to bring in the horse”

Professor McGonagall fixes a glare on Sirius but there is a slight twitch to her lips that makes Lily think that maybe she likes this too. “Now Mr. Black, or else I’ll fail you for the year”

He sighs and jumps from the high point of the human-pyramid. James promptly follows and the two leave the classroom after blowing a large exaggerated kiss at her.

Later they five of them are at the park setting up a picnic. She sits with Peter and James while Remus and Sirius play with a frisbee. Peter pulls out a bottle of wine he stole from his mother’s cabinet and takes a large sip before passing it around.

“Oi Evans mind saving some?” Sirius calls out to her

She flips him off and pointedly takes a large gulp from the bottle until he jogs up to her and snatches it away from her. She laughs and falls down on Peter’s stomach where she lays comfortably letting the wine sink into her system.

“Hey you know what I want?”

“A cheesecake?” James asks

“No. Well, yes” she says pausing to think about it, “but more than that I want an oreo ice cream cake”

“We don’t have that unfortunately for you” he replies with a smirk and Lily kicks him from where she’s laying down.

“Hey don’t be like that Lily it isn’t very 18 years old of you” James says sliding back to avoid another kick.

“I hate you”

“Love you babe”

They grow quiet for a minute before Lily pipes up again. “You know what is a great Disney movie?”

“Moana” James replies without missing a beat.

Lily props herself up using her elbows and squares a look at him. “You watch Disney movies?”

“I pirate Disney movies” he corrects her with a grin. “I don’t want to give my money to Disney after all the shit they’ve done”

“Still” she says “you’re into Disney movies?”

“That much of a surprise Lily?”

“Yeah kinda”

He grins and lays back down. “Still got a lot to learn about each other huh Lily?”

She hums in agreement and lays back down on Peter’s stomach. She rolls out a joint and blows a ring of smoke watching it disappear into the air. For a while everything is quiet except for Peter’s phone which plays random songs until he falls asleep on their green blanket. Lily watches Remus blow bubbles as Sirius pops them. She watches two girls walking on their date animatedly talking clearly in love. An elderly couple sit on a bench and everything looks content and lovely.

Its all Lily’s ever really wanted, to have everything be lovely.

“You know which Disney character reminds me of you Lily? Moana but with oranger hair”

“My hair is red first of all” Lily says “and why? Because I’m Hawaiian?”

“Evans shut up or else I’ll call my very desi father and have him sternly look at you”

Lily laughs and sits up straight. “Seriously though why Moana?”

“Because Moana is headstrong and determined and brave and she loves more than anyone else. Also because she has the best voice out of every Disney princess ever”

Lily nods, “can’t argue with logic like that James”

“And” James says after a second, “I had the biggest crush on her. Kinda like the one I have on you but bigger”

Lily stops for a second. “What?”

James sits up and looks directly into her eyes. They don’t waver for a single second and Lily feels her entire body go on fire and be frozen all at once. She didn’t know that was even possible. “I like you. A lot actually”

Lily forces out a laugh trying to cover up her heart beating wildly in her chest. “I like me too I’m glad you agree”

“Lily,” he says “I’m serious”

“So am I” Lily says because if there is one thing she is skilled at, it’s deflecting conversations she doesn’t want to talk in yet. “Anyways I gotta go. I um. I left the stove on”

“Lily you’re a shit cook”

“Exactly why I must have left it on” she says laughing nervously. “I gotta go sorry James tell the boys I said bye” she says and breaks into a light jog. She can feel James’s eyes on her, she can feel his heartbreaking from miles away and hates herself for it.

+

Lily quietly enters her apartment. Her mother is passed out on the couch barely holding a piece of paper. She picks it up and on it it reads Happy Birthday honey. I’m sorry I’m not a good mom, the kind you bring to your school or to help you with your homework or to come running to when you’re afraid of a bad storm. And I know this isn’t nearly as much as you deserve, and I know that this isn’t enough to make up for all the neglect or anything but I love you so much. I’ve been saving this up, I know it isn’t much but I hope you’ll always wear it.

On the table sits a blue velvet box and inside of it is a silver chain that holds a baby bird with a rose. Lily puts it on and it falls down to her stomach. She doesn’t realize she is crying until she feels something on her hand. She sniffles and wipes it away and turns back to her mother. Lily wraps her arms around her and plants a kiss on her temple.

+

“Evans open the fuck up”

“Cursing is rude Remus”

“Open the goddamn door or so help me God I will-”

Lily swings open the door and Remus falls through. Lily smirks above him and turns around to go back to watching t.v.

“Evans”

“That is indeed my name”

“You can’t deflect me Evans” he says and she pointedly looks at the t.v.

“Evans” he says and plants himself directly in front of her so her view is blocked. Then in a softer voice says “talk to him. He’s a mess”

“I will I just.” she sighs, “give me time”

Remus sits down cross legged and looks up at her. “Listen I know James. I know how he behaves and I know that when he cares about someone he doesn’t stop. He’ll wait forever for you but that isn’t really fair. To either of you.”

Lily swallows thickly and nods. He looks at her for another few seconds before shifting to watch Phineas and Ferb with her. She barely watches any of it.

+

She goes to see James at midnight. She keeps throwing rocks at his window and when he pushes it open he gets hit with dozens of pebbles.

“Shit sorry!” she shouts “Can I like. Come up there?”

“Maybe I don’t have long blonde hair for you to carry. Still think you can make it?” he asks and Lily lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She partly thought he’d be pissed at her but the teasing tint in his voice was reassuring.

“I think I can brave it”

“Come on up then”

When she gets up there the entire room is a mess. Half his textbooks are open but at various corners of the room. His clothes are all over and there are lists scattered about full of multiple pranks they could pull off.

“Hey” she finally says and it dawns upon her that she has no idea what to say. She prepared a whole speech on her way to his house but standing so close to him, she completely forgot everything.

“Hi”

“So um. You told me that you liked me. Which is great but I” she laughs nervously anxiety running through her.

“Lily whatever you need to say I won’t be mad”

“Promise?” she asks and the conversation feels strangely like deja vu

“Pinkie promise” he tells her

“I” she says and she’s about to tell him everything. That she likes him too maybe more than she is supposed to, that she wants to kiss him all the time and his eyes remind her of Petunia but maybe his eyes won’t get that firey look in them hers do when she gets mad. Instead she blurts out “I’m saving myself for my soulmate”

His breath hitches and they both know she’s lying. “No biggie Evans. We can just pretend like I didn’t say anything”

She nods and can feel her heart between her teeth. It isn’t until she’s halfway to her house that she realizes he called her Evans for the first time.

+

Sirius knocks on her door when she is making gingerbread cookies. He holds up a sheet of paper and it takes a minute for Lily to read all of it and realize it’s an acceptance letter to UPenn.

“Sirius! Dude thats fucking amazing! I told you that you were gonna get in” she says breathlessly.

He laughs and jumps up and down with her as if they were children. “Yeah well the only problem is I can’t afford it”

“Your family is rich as hell how is money the problem?” she asks sitting on the kitchen counter while licking icing from her finger.

“Got disowned” he confesses. As she opens her mouth he raises his hand to stop her, “it’s no biggie Evans. I was gonna run away anyways they just saved me the trouble. Besides I’m living with James now”

“Sirius you know you could have told me. I would have helped or something” she says and he nods.

“I know. But it’s alright being with you and just hanging out is more than enough”

“You’re a cheeseball”

“It’s Christmas time Evans get in the spirit!”

“You’re not even Christian”

“Not the point”

“God shut up and help me make this house” Evans tells him and he pointedly takes the Gingerbread man and eats his arm off. She flips him off and thinks about when she and Petunia used to make gingerbread houses. Lily wonders if she still does.

+

It’s been a week since she told James that she was waiting for soulmate. They barely had talked, only in group environment and she felt herself breaking every second. She didn’t know how to fix it.

The phone rang and when she picks it up all she can hear at first is sniffling. “James? James are you there?” He mumbles something but she can’t understand him. “James are you home?” she tries and she can faintly make out a ‘yes’ so she goes with it. “James just wait there I’ll be at your place in less than five minutes”

When she gets there he’s lying on the floor shaking. There are cops everywhere and she doesn’t understand until she sees the body.

“Ohmygod James” she says rushing over to his side

He reacts to her instantly, pressing himself against her for warmth and comfort. She holds him as he cries, wet sloppy tears flowing down. Cops keep circling around taking down notes.

“James do you want to get up and leave this room” she asks him gently. She thinks seeing the body is just making him worse.

He nods and she helps him stand up. He leans on her as they walk up the stairs to his room and he collapses on the bed. Lily sits next to him, rubbing his back. She feels too small for this.

+

“He died of a heart attack” James says. It’s the first time he’s talked about that day when his dad died and he called her. She sits up from her position on the couch, arms wrapping her legs. “That’s what the doctors and everyone told me. Natural causes and all that bullshit”

“I’m sorry” she says because that’s the only thing she can say.

“I miss him” he whispers and he looks at her. There are heavy bags under his eyes she realizes. And he’s thinner, he’s a shell of what he used to be. She kisses his temple and lays down with him.

“Tell me about him”

James pauses for a minute and then starts. “He was an asshole at times. Unreasonably stubborn, and could ice you out if you hurt him. But he was my dad. He was kind and when I scraped my knee he’d put a band-aid on it. When I got detention for punching Michael Falks for yelling at Peter he didn’t get mad. He understood me sometimes, and when he didn’t he tried to”

“Tell me what you need” Lily whispers because he’s James Potter and he’s the happiness of the Earth. Because she cannot bear to see him sad and would burn the world if it would light up his face.

“I just” he says struggling for words, “I feel everything. And nothing at the same time and I don’t know what to do with that”

She holds him tight, hoping it’s enough to fix his broken rib cage.

+

She almost kisses him when sitting on the rooftop of her apartment complex. The sun’s setting, a few stars are out while the moon is hovering lazily over them. The whole city is under them moving around, full of people who are too busy to concern themselves over a boy with lightning hair and a girl with emerald coloured eyes whose half in love with the boy.

He’s laughing and Lily decides it’s the most beautiful song in the world. She also decides that she wants him, desperately and thoroughly. She thinks that he was born for her or perhaps it was the other way around but it didn’t matter they were made for each other.

She’s scared and a little drunk so she reaches for his hand and intertwines their fingers. He doesn’t coil away or break the hold so she thinks that it’s so far still okay. They sit and make stories about the people below.

“That one in the blue hat - they’re a dancer”

“Do you know how to dance?” she asks him

“Yeah I had lessons when I was younger” he tells her with a grin and she laughs. “I can teach you if you want” he offers and without missing a beat she accepts.

It’s awkward and terrible because Lily has awful feet coordination. They end up falling on the hard pavement and their faces are an inch away from each other. Her breath hitches and he gazes down at her.

He awkwardly laughs and gets off of her. She blinks and there he is standing above her. “Sorry about that, I know you aren’t…into me like that” he says quietly and she doesn’t know what to say.

+

It’s early in the morning and she’s at a lonely gas station with Peter. He grabs whatever chocolate is on the shelf and she takes three bags of sour cream and onion chips.

“So have you two done it yet?” Peter asks grabbing seventeen bars of Hersey.

“Who is ‘you two’ and what is ‘done it’?” Lily asks

“You and James. Are you two together officially yet?”

Lily snorts and rolls her eyes. “Of course not we’re just friends”

Peter groans and looks at her, “Y’all are still going on about that bs? C’mon you both like each other and want to be with one another. What’s the hold up?”

Lily sighs and stuffs a bar of Kit Kat in her jacket. “I’m just not sure if it’s the right time Pete” she tells him

“Miss” the cashier says behind the table, “you will have to pay for the food you’re trying to hide”

Peter looks at her with half a smirk as she pulls out her wallet again. “Lily you’re just avoiding the dating thing because you think you don’t deserve him. You do. So stop with that nonsense of time and whatever”

Lily rolls her eyes at him, “And you’re obviously an expert because…”

“I listen to Remus when he talks about shit” Peter answers cheekily and she elbows him.

Lily snorts into her hand and strolls out the store with him. “Listen Pete I’m really glad that you’re happy with Alex but that doesn’t mean it’ll work out for me”

“Sure it will. I trust the universe” Peter says confidently, “And honestly Evans?” he says and looks at her squarely in the eyes so she knows he’s serious. “James would do anything to make sure you’re happy”

Lily looks away. All of the boys, she realizes, look at her squarely when talking about James. It occurs to her how deeply rooted their friendship really was and she fell in love with each of them a little more.

“You just gotta give him a chance” Peter adds and they’re sitting on a bus on their way back home.

Lily sighs her breath fogging up the window next to her. It’s not that she isn’t willing to give James a chance. She doesn’t want to give herself a chance to screw things up. James doesn’t deserve that. He deserves a girl who can and will love him for everything and who isn’t a total fuck-up. Who doesn’t drag him into every mess she makes and won’t leave after a while. He’s a lot like God in the sense that he deserves the very best and she’s just a paper bag floating in the wind trying to not be destroyed.

“Promise me you’ll try” Peter says and she nods leaning her head on his shoulder.

+

It’s one in the afternoon and all she can think about is James. She wants to talk about it to someone, tell them how she’s feeling and for them to tell her what do. Her mom walks past her room and stops. She hesitates at the door frame but then comes into the room

“Lils it’s the middle of the day. Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“Early dismissal” she says easily

“For what?”

“Dunno. Some teacher confrence thing” she lies closing her eyes tightly

Her mother hums in understanding and sits next to her on the bed. “What’s on your mind then kiddo?”

“What makes you think there’s something on my mind?” Lily asks

“Because you’re lying to me about going to school,”

Lily sighs and shifts her position so she’s lying in her mother’s lap. She strokes her red hair and Lily allows herself to let go of her tension. For a couple of minutes everything is peaceful. “Mommy” Lily pauses. Her mother keeps stroking her hair waiting patiently. “How’d you know dad was your soulmate? Albeit a terrible one but still”

Lily’s mother stills and Lily thinks she may have crossed a line. After a couple of heartbeats her mom says “I kissed him. When we kissed every dream we had flooded back and that’s how we knew. Why have you met yours?”

“I’m not sure. But if he isn’t…how terrible of a person would I be if I fell for someone who wasn’t my soulmate”

“You’d be as amazing as one can be” her mom says gently pressing a kiss on her cheek. “Love isn’t something you can control and neither are soulmates. Sometimes they’re one and sometimes they’re separate. Besides soulmates can be platonic, or familial not always romantic” her mom says and Lily nods.

She thinks about her boys, Remus with the dark skin and bright freckles. Sirius with his gold heart and mischievous brain. Peter and his soft skin and loyal soul. James with his lightning hair and addicting laugh. She loves them all she can live off the high of their existence forever she thinks.

“Just,” her mother struggles “find someone who loves you back. I know I’m not around but Lily I know what kind of a person you are. You have so much love in you I’m surprised it hasn’t combusted in you. You…you’re the most kind and gentle soul I’ve ever seen and you’re still so strong and I don’t know how all of this fits into your little body but it does. Find someone who can appreciate  all of that kiddo”

Lily blinks back tears and hides further into her mom’s lap. She feels herself as a normal girl with her mom, not holding the entirety of the galaxy on her shoulders. She feels at home for the first time with her mom and wants to live in the moment forever.

+

Lily runs to his house barefoot. When he opens the door he’s bleary eyed and half-blind without his glasses. She tells him to hurry up and to please get ready. He obliges and she swings her arms by the door waiting.

He comes back out wearing fluff cookie monster slippers and a faded sweatshirt. She grabs his hands and drags him behind her.

“Lily not that I mind being woken up abruptly at three a.m. but where are we going?”

“Shut up and walk faster” she tells him and he rolls his eyes. She needs to be outside under the stars. They end up at a bus station and she buys them two tickets. They’re the only ones in the bus and for a minute it all feels like a dream. But she can feel his body, he is ever so present all veins and hair that can never stay down. Every once in awhile the bus jostles and he nearly falls into her. She doesn’t tell him where they’re going so instead he fills the time with random topics of conversation that don’t matter.

When it’s four a.m. the bus finally stops she pays the driver extra cash and gets out with him. They’re standing at the foot of a beach and she runs to the shore. He goes after her because she’s Lily and he would follow her to the ends of the earth.

She needs to be outside under the stars near the beach when she tells him. Her heart is wildly beating and it’s a miracle it doesn’t completely jump out of her chest. She turns to face him and maybe he sees the fear and anxiety in her face because his voice gets gentle and he says in a soft voice “Evans what’re we doing here?”

She takes a deep breath and swallows thickly. Lily focuses her eyes on him, “I like you too. Maybe more than I’m supposed to. I want to kiss you and hold you and tell you how wrong you are when you don’t like a song that I do. I want to fall asleep next to you and tell you everything”

His eyes widen but before he can say anything else she pushes forward. “I want you. More than I’ve wanted anything. I want you like God wants Eve to not eat that apple. I want you in every possible way, in a dirty grimy way with your body under me. I know when you walk into the room before even turning around, I know that you hate coffee if it has less than three and a half pack of sugars”

“Lily” he interrupts “what’re you saying?”

“I’m trying to tell you that I want to live in a shitty apartment with you. One where we can paint the walls to match our mood, one where you can pirate Disney movies or do whatever it is a James does in his spare time”

He snorts at this and relief floods through Lily. “I’m trying to say I like you too soulmate be damned. And I know it’s been months you’re probably well over me but I thought that you had the right to know” she says in a voice that isn’t entirely her own.

“Fuck Lily are you kidding me? I don’t think I’ve been over you since they second we met. Probably before that” he tells her and she feels a grin splitting her face.

“You still like me?”

“Never stopped” he tells her and she loops her fingers through one of his belt buckles.

“I’m enough for you here?”

“You’re enough for me anywhere Lily” he says connecting their forehead.

Their kiss is slow at first, soft and uncertain. His hands are on her face so she pushes a bit deeper. She kisses him with all the energy she has and memories flood into her. They were ten and splashing water at each other. She had made a world where her dad had never left and Petunia loved her. They were sixteen at a diner in a broken town. She tattooed him, and in the morning it had appeared on her skin as a dull ache.

Lily breaks the kiss and stares up at him. His eyes run over her face as if he’s looking at her for the first time.

“So” she says clearing her throat

“So” he echoes

“Soulmate is us”

“Very coherent Lily”

She lightly slaps his chest and takes a step back. “Is. Am I okay?” she asks him timidly “I know I’m not-”

“Lily” he says patiently pulling her closer to him. “You are my dream girl. Literally”

She laughs into his chest and he grins down at her. “Hey Lily?”

“Yeah”

“I think we’re a pretty good Disney movie”

She giggles and feels lighter than she has for a long time.

+

Graduation comes with a large bang. The five of them get drunk on her apartment complex. Peter is rattling off possible ways to still be in contact despite being separated and Sirius throws water balloons down at unsuspecting people. They swear at him and he laughs harder.

Remus grins and carries Lily around for a while. James sneaks in more bottles of wine and champagne and they giggle at the stars with the moon hovering over them. Lily kisses James as loud music pumps out of Peter’s phone.

Sirius asks when they got together. James tells him the exact date and time and Lily giggles calling him a sentimental sap. Peter and Sirius groan and fork over money to Remus who looks far too smug. Before Lily can ask why she hears James shouting that ‘this is my song’ and grabs her wrists.

It’s young and stupid. They’re still learning about each other and their relationship. She feels loved and he reminds her of it on days Lily can’t remember. He tells her stories and draws her when he thinks she isn’t looking and she throws grapes at him to see if he can beat his previous record. She holds him when everything is too much and kisses his cheek until the tears stop running.

She loves him more than the moon loves the sun. Her love runs through her body spilling from her veins until it fill every room they’re in. She loves him and he loves her back completely, fiercely and undeniably and that’s enough. They’re enough.

[ngop3]

I’m going to start with a secret. Actually, you may learn a few secrets in this story, because I feel like I am misunderstood by many people. But let’s start with the first one.

Three months ago, when Barcelona made their incredible comeback against Paris St.-Germain in the Champions League, I was watching every moment from my couch. You might think from reading the newspapers that I was hoping my old club would lose.

But when my brother Neymar scored that beautiful free kick? I jumped up from my couch and was screaming at the television.

“Vamoooooooos!”

And when Sergi Roberto performed a miracle in the 95th minute?

Like every other Barca fan in the world, I was going absolutely crazy. Because the truth is that Barcelona is still in my blood.

Was I disrespected by the board of directors before I left the club last summer? Absolutely. That is simply how I feel, and you can never tell me any different. But you cannot play for a club for eight years, and achieve everything that we did, and not have that club in your heart forever. Managers, players and board members come and go. But Barca will never go away.

Before I went to Juventus, I made a final promise to the board at Barcelona. I said, “You’re going to miss me.”

I didn’t mean as a player. Barca have plenty of incredible players. What I meant was that they were going to miss my spirit. They were going to miss the care I had for the dressing room. They were going to miss the blood I spilled every time I put on the shirt.

When I had to play against Barca in the next round, it was a very weird feeling. Especially in the second leg at the Camp Nou, I felt like I was home again. Right before the match started, I went over to the Barca bench to say hello to my old friends, and they were saying, “Dani, come sit with us! We saved your seat!”

PHOTO BY JOAN VALLS/NURPHOTO/ZUMA PRESS

I was shaking everybody’s hand with my back to the referee. All of a sudden, I heard a whistle. I turned around and the referee had already started the match. I went sprinting back to the field, and I could hear my old manager, Luis Enrique, laughing his ass off.

It’s funny right? But that match was not a joke, especially not to me. People see me and they say, “Dani’s always joking. He’s always smiling. He’s not serious.”

I could hear my old manager, Luis Enrique, laughing his ass off.

Listen, I’ll tell you another secret. Before I go up against the best forwards in the world — Messi, Neymar, Cristiano — I study their strengths and weaknesses like an obsession, and then I plan how I am going to attack. My goal is to show the world that Dani Alves is on the same level. Maybe they will dribble past me once or twice. Sure, O.K. But I will attack them, too. I don’t want to be invisible. I want the stage. Even at 34 years old, after 34 trophies, I still feel I have to prove this every time.

But it goes even deeper than that.

Right before every match, I have same the routine. I stand in front of a mirror for five minutes and I block out everything. Then a movie begins to play in my mind. It is the movie of my life.

In the first scene, I’m 10 years old. I’m sleeping on a concrete bed at my family’s tiny home in Juazeiro, Brazil. The mattress over the bed is as thick as your little finger. The house smells of wet soil, and it is still dark outside. It’s five in the morning, and the sun has not risen, but I have to go help my father on our farm before school.

My brother and I walk out into the field, and our father is already out there working. He’s got a big, heavy tank on his back, and he’s spraying the fruits and plants with chemicals to kill the bacteria.

We’re probably too young to handle the toxins, but we help him anyway. This is just our way to survive. For hours, I compete with my brother to see who can be the hardest worker. Because the one who our father decides has helped him the most gets the rights to our only bicycle.

If I don’t win the bicycle, I have to walk the 12 miles from the farm to my school. The walk back from school is even worse, because the pickup football games in our neighborhood will start without me. So I run the 12 miles back and then just keep running right out onto the pitch.

But if I do win the bicycle? Then I can get the girls. I can pick up one of them on the road and offer them a ride to school. For 12 miles, I’m the man.

So I work my ass off.

I look at my father as I leave for school, and he’s still got the big tank on his back. He’s got a full day in the field ahead of him, and then at night he’s got a little bar that he runs to make extra money. He was a hell of a footballer when he was young, but he didn’t have the money to make it to a bigger city so he could be seen by scouts. He wants to make sure that I have that opportunity, even if it kills him.

The screen fades to black.

Now it’s Sunday, and we’re watching the football matches on our black-and-white TV. There’s steel wool wrapped around the antenna so we can pick up the signal from the city, far away. For us, this is the best day of the week. There’s a lot of joy in our house.

The screen fades to black.

Now my father is driving me to town in his old car so I can try out in front of some scouts. The car is a stick shift, and it only has two gears — slow and slower. I can smell the smoke.

My dad is a hustler. I gotta be a hustler, too.

The screen fades to black.

Now I’m 13, and I’m at this academy for young footballers in a bigger town, away from my family. There are 100 kids packed into a small dormitory. It’s kind of like a prison. The day before I left home, my father went into town and bought me a new football outfit. He doubled my wardrobe, because I only had one outfit to begin with.

After the first day of training, I hang the new kit on the line to dry. The next morning, it’s gone. Somebody has taken it. That’s when I realize that this is not the farm anymore. This is the real world, and the reason they call it the real world is because shit is real out here.

I go back to my room, and I’m starving. We train all day, and there’s not enough food at the camp. Somebody stole my clothes. I miss my family, and I’m definitely not the best player here. Out of 100, I’m maybe 51st in ability. So I make myself a promise.

I tell myself, “You are not going back to the farm until you make your father proud. You might be 51st in ability. But you are going to be No. 1 or 2 in drive. You are going to be a warrior. You are not going back home, no matter what.”

The screen fades to black.

Now I’m 18 years old, and I’m telling one of the only lies I’ve ever told in football.

I’m playing for Bahia in the Brazilian league when a big scout comes up to me and says, “Sevilla are interested in signing you.”

I say, “Sevilla! Amazing.”

The scout says, “Do you know where that is?”

I say, “Of course I know where Sevilla is. Sev-iiiillaaaaa. I love it.”

But I have no f******g idea where Sevilla is. It could be on the moon for all I know. But the way he says the name makes it sound important, so I lie.

A few days later, I start asking around, and I find out that Sevilla plays against Barcelona and Real Madrid. In Portuguese, we have an expression for this kind of moment.

I said to myself, “Agora.”

It’s like, Bang. Now. Let’s go.

The screen fades to black.

Now I’m in Sevilla, and I’m so malnourished that the coaches and other players are looking at me like I must play for the youth team. I am in the middle of the hardest six months of my life. I don’t speak the language. The manager isn’t playing me, and it’s the first time I really think about going home.

But then, for some reason, I think about the new outfit that my father bought me when I was 13. The one that got stolen. I think of him with the tank strapped to his back, spraying chemicals. And I decide that I’m going to stay and learn the language and try to make some friends, so that at least I can go back to Brazil with a new experience to share.

When the season begins, the manager instructs everyone, “At Sevilla, our defense does not go past the halfway line. Never.”

I play a few games, kicking the ball around, looking at that line. Just looking at it, like a dog who’s afraid to cross an invisible fence in his yard. Then, one game, for some reason, I just let go. I have to be me.

I say, “Agora.”

And I just go. Attack, attack, attack.

It works like magic. After that, the manager says, “O.K., Dani. New plan. At Sevilla, you attack.”

In just a few seasons, we go from being a relegation club to lifting the UEFA Cup twice.

The screen fades to black.

My phone is ringing. It’s my agent.

“Dani, Barcelona are interested in signing you.”

I do not have to lie this time. I know where Barcelona is.

PHOTO BY DAVID RAMOS/GETTY IMAGES

That is the movie that plays in my head when I stare in the mirror before every match. At the end, before I walk back to the dressing room, I always say the same thing to myself.

Shit, I came from nowhere.

I am here now.

It’s unreal, but I am here.

When I was 18, I moved across the ocean just for the opportunity to play for a club that played against Barcelona. So to have the honor of playing for Barca? It was incredible. I got to be a witness to true genius.

I remember during one training session, Messi was doing things with the ball at his feet that defied logic. Of course, that is what he did every day. Only this time, something was different.

Now, I need to remind you, this was an extremely intense training session. We were not messing around. Messi was dribbling through the defense and finishing like a killer.

And then as he’s running past me, I look down at his cleats, and I’m thinking to myself, Is this a joke?

He comes running past again, and I think, No, it’s impossible.

He comes running past again, and now I’m sure what I’m seeing.

His damn cleats are untied. Both of them.

I mean completely untied. This guy is playing against the best defenders in the world, just floating around the pitch, and he’s acting like it’s a Sunday in the park. That was the moment when I knew that I was never going to play with someone like him ever again in my life.

And then, of course, there’s Pep Guardiola.

PHOTO BY OTTO GREULE JR/GETTY IMAGES

If you turn the word computer backwards, it spells Steve Jobs.

If you turn the word football backwards, it spells Pep.

He is a genius. I’ll say it again. A genius.

Pep would tell you exactly how everything was going to happen in a match before it even happened. For example, the game against Real Madrid in 2010, when we won 5–0? Pep told us before the match, “Today, you’re going to play like the football is a ball of fire. It never stays at your feet. Not even a half second. If you do that, there will be no time for them to pressure us. We will win easily.”

The sensation when we left every one of his prematch talks was like we were already up three-nil. We were so empowered, so prepared, that it felt like we were already winning.

The funniest thing was if we came in at halftime and the game wasn’t going well. Pep would sit down and rub his forehead. You know how he rubs his head? You’ve seen it, right? Like he’s massaging his brain, searching for the genius to come to him.

He would do this right in front of us in the dressing room. Then, like magic, it would come to him.

Bang!

“I’ve got it!”

Then he would jump up and start barking out instructions, drawing maths and figures on the board.

“We will do this, this and this, and then this is how we will score.”

So we would go out, and we would do this, this and this. And that’s how we would score. It was crazy.

Pep was the first coach in my life who showed me how to play without the ball. And he wouldn’t just demand that his players change their game, he would sit us down and show us why we wanted us to change with statistics and video.  

PHOTO BY DAVID RAMOS/GETTY IMAGES

Those Barca teams were pretty much unbeatable. We played by memory. We already knew what we were going to do. We didn’t have to think.

That is why, to this day, Barca is in my heart.

That is why, when we beat Barcelona in the Champions League quarterfinals, I walked up to my brother Neymar, and I gave him a hug. He was crying, and a part of me felt like crying, too.

I can imagine people reading this and asking why I am sharing these secrets.

Well, the truth is, I am 34 years old. I don’t know how much longer I will play. Maybe two or three years. And I feel as though people do not understand me, and my full story.

When I came to Juventus this season, it was like I was leaving home again. I did it when I was 13, going to the academy. I did it again at 18, going to Spain. And then I did it again at 33, going to Italy.

When I first arrived at Juve, it was like going to a completely new school. My whole life, I had loved to attack. And now I was coming to a place where they value defending above everything.

Once again, I was the dog in the yard. I was staring at the invisible fence.

Should I go?

But I did not go. At the beginning of the season, I wanted to make sure that the Juve players understood that I respected their philosophy, and their history. Once I made sure that I had their respect, I tried to show them my strengths, too.

One day, I looked at the halfway line, and I said to myself, Should I go?

… Bang. Agora.

Attack, attack, attack. (And, O.K., maybe defend a bit, too, or Buffon will be yelling at me.)

I sometimes think that life is a circle.

See, I cannot get away from these Argentinians.

At Barca, I had Messi.

At Juve, I have Dybala.

Genius follows me everywhere, I swear.

PHOTO BY DANIELE BADOLATO/LAPRESSE/ICON SPORTSWIRE

In training one day, I saw something in Dybala that I had seen before in Messi. It was not just the gift of pure talent. I have seen that many times in my life. It was the gift of pure talent combined with the will to conquer the world.

At Barca, we played by memory.

At Juve, it’s different. It’s our collective mentality that has carried us to the Champions League final. When the whistle blows, we simply find a way to win no matter what. Winning is not just a goal at Juve, it’s like an obsession. There are no excuses.

This Saturday, I have a chance to win my 35th trophy in 34 years on earth. It is a special opportunity for me, and it has nothing to do with proving to the Barcelona board that they made a mistake in letting me go.

I know that they will never admit that.

That’s not the point.

Do you remember what I told you about the moment at the academy in Brazil? When I said to myself that I would never go back to the farm until I made my father proud?

Well, my father is not a very emotional man. I never knew when I had actually made him truly proud. For most of my career, he was back home in Brazil. But in 2015, he was there in Berlin to see me win the Champions League final for the very first time in person. I remember after the trophy celebrations on the field, Barca had a special party for the families of the players. We got to hand over the trophy to the people who had helped us achieve our dreams. I remember when it was my turn I passed the trophy to my father, and we were both holding it, posing for a photo.

And he said something in Portuguese that is actually a dirty word, so I won’t translate it word for word.

But he basically said, “My son is the man now.”

And you know what? He was crying like a baby.

That was the greatest moment of my life.

On Saturday, I will have the chance to play for another Champions League trophy against a very familiar opponent. Like always, I will study Cristiano like an obsession.

Like always, I will go to the mirror before the match and play the same movie in my mind.

The screen will go black, and I will remember these things….

My concrete bed.

The smell of wet soil.

My father with the tank of chemicals on his back.

The 12 mile bike ride to school.

The new outfit.

The empty clothesline.

“Of course I know where Sevilla is.”

Shit, I came from nowhere.

I am here now.

It’s unreal, but I am here.

DANI ALVES

/ CONTRIBUTOR