#the memories are coming back and i don't remember a single living breathing person who lifted a finger to help me

[lumibuns-blog]

Omggg i saw the new episode of jjk and it gave me such a big idea i think you'd love. Imagine one day sukuna finds his wife that he married thousands of years ago and due to their marriage his wife was granted immortality. And just like she never cheated or kissed another man just waiting for her husband to return and when they reunite (even if he doesnt say it) he is over the moon and just wants to never leave his wifes side ever again. Just much fluff and romance ahhhh

OMG THIS. THIS IS SO CUTE

Sakuna x reader fluff

Sukuna scoffed to himself, the boy had finally allowed him to take control after all this time. Even in this deep underground it felt good to feel the air on his face and not through that brat. He continued forward. Thousands of year of stored power and he had been reduced to a fraction of it, despite the immense power he held he couldn't help but miss the time when he ruled over the landscape, unchallenged.

He had a partner even, the one human who he couldn't bring himself to kill, the one he realized he couldn't live without. You had married him, been granted immortality by his hand, and still he had lost you. His last memory before being split and exorcised, was you running to him, crying his name. He was happy that was his last memory.

Sukuna tore himself from his own thoughts, they so often drifted to you but right now he wanted to use the small amount of freedom he was granted.

He moved his hand foreword, fire erupting from his fist as he threw the heat forward, it crashed through a wall, tunneling through the train station. He heard peoples screams like music to his ears, he walked foreword through the rubble. People ran, screaming, away from him. Fire cast from all around him, bursting every human in his sight into flames, he hummed contently to himself.

"S-Sukuna?" A feeble voice trembled from beside him

He knew that voice, he knew that voice, he slowly turned, a truly befuddled expression on his face, his lip curled as he dare not get his hope up but...

There you were, you looked exactly as gorgeous as the last moment he saw you, nothing changed, your clothes were more modern of course but there was no mistaking it, you were here.

"I knew it was you!" you cried, tears streaming down your face. You threw yourself into his arms.

He was too stunned to speak, his arms unmoving, all he could he process was the blood running down your leg, he moved his arms to gently put you down,

"Sakuna-"

"Did I do this to you?" He asked, his hand moving down to your leg, activating he reverse curse technique to heal the gash. He just couldn't believe that he had hurt you, it had been 1000 years and the first thing he did was hurt you

"Oh my love don't worry about that now" you smiled gently, you had always forgiven him no matter what he did

You moved a hand to his face to gently tip his head to look at you.

"I thought you would have found someone else by now, had a family moved on, I mean I'm sure you have" his voice grumbled low in his throat

"I would never" you leaned your forehead against his "I haven't touched a single souls since I lost you, I-I knew you would come back just like you promised"

Sakuna remembered the promise he had made to you that dim moonlit night, on the engawa of the palace you shared, that he would never leave you, even if the world fell apart he would always find you.

"I've missed you" he whispered moving his lips to kiss yours, he moved back to take in your entire person

"Your as beautiful as the day I lost you" he breathed

You smiled sweetly

"What the hell is going on?!?-" the onlooker was silenced as his head burst into flames

You continued to smile as if it was nothing

He picked you up bridal style, "we'll go find the house we used to share" he smirked to you

"I'd like that" you giggle

'Hey what the hell is going on' the brat who's body he had been forced to posses voice rang out in his head

Sukuna slapped his face "just shut it would ya" he growled to himself

"What was that?" you questioned from his arms

"I have a lot to explain" he breathed out

[021894s]

— 02 the invite [1.5k]

MASTERLIST | PREV | NEXT

PAIRING: brothers bsf!sunghoon x f!reader

WARNINGS: mentions of heartbreak, mentions of throwing up, cussing

AUTHORS NOTE: babies!! this is my first ever written piece!! it’s not perfect but I hope you guys enjoy nonetheless. i’m excited for this storyline to begin to unfold. love you, thank you for reading <3

Sunlight streams through the curtains, and your eyes snap open. Panic sets in as you realize you're not in your own bed. Scrambling to check the time, the memory of last night's chaos comes flooding back – Jungwon, in a lot worse condition thanks to Jake's encouragement, making it so you had to play caretaker after the countless shots and rounds of beer pong.

You leap out of bed, heart racing. Class starts in twenty minutes, and your professor isn't known for leniency. Grabbing your things and getting dressed in some clothes you had left behind, you rush downstairs, only to nearly collide with Sunghoon, who's looking unfairly good with his tousled hair and that deep, just-woke-up voice.

"What’s the rush?" he asks, an eyebrow raised in amusement.

You're momentarily distracted by his disheveled charm, but the urgency of the moment snaps you back to reality. "I'm late for class," you blurt out, then remember Jungwon, still knocked out in the guest room. "Can you keep an eye on Jungwon? He had a rough night."

Sunghoon nods, a smirk playing on his lips. "Sure thing. you should go before you’re even more late."

Grateful, you offer him a quick smile, glancing around only to see niki and sunoo slumped on the living room couch. you turn back to sunghoon ,giving him a knowing look and bolt out the door, hoping you can make it in time.

You rush through the crowded hallways of your university, heart pounding in your chest. The sound of your footsteps echoes, matching the frantic beat of your thoughts. As you finally reach your classroom, you take a deep breath to steady yourself before pushing open the door.The professor pauses mid-lecture, giving you a stern look. "Late again, Y/N?"

You offer a sheepish smile, quickly finding an empty seat. "Sorry, sir. it won't happen again."

as if your morning couldn’t have gotten worse you feel your phone buzz with a new message. Glancing down, you see it's a forwarded email – a formal wedding invitation from your ex. Your heart skips a beat as you read the elegant script, announcing their upcoming marriage. It's a surreal moment, one that brings a mix of emotions swirling through you.

You're not sure how to react. Part of you is happy for them, genuinely wishing them the best, but there's also that tiny, complicated twinge of... something. It's not exactly sadness, not exactly jealousy, just a poignant reminder of the past.

Leaning back in your chair, you can't help but let your mind wander to Jeno. he was your first everything. Your first love, your first heartbreak, the first person who made you feel like you were truly alive. You remember the way he used to hold your hand, the way he smiled just before he kissed you, and the way he made you laugh until your sides hurt.

Heeseung had always been wary of Jeno. He'd seen the signs, warned you about his antics, and tried to protect you like he always has, naturally, being your older brother, but you don't regret a single moment. Despite the warnings, you plunged headfirst into the relationship. You got to experience love—the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

Even now, with the wedding invitation in hand, you can't bring yourself to feel bitter. Heeseung might give you that 'I told you so' look, but you'll just shrug it off, because to you, love, even when it ends, is something to cherish. It taught you, shaped you, and you wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

Class finally ends, and you make your way back to your brother's house. Opening the door, you find everyone except jay, saerom and jake in the living room, engaged in a random conversations about the previous night.

As you step into the living room, the change in your expression doesn't go unnoticed by Heeseung, his brow furrowing with concern. "What's up?" he asks, his voice tinged with brotherly caution.

You hesitate for a moment, feeling the weight of your phone in your pocket. Sighing, you pull it out and hand it to him. "It's Jeno's wedding invite," you admit, watching his eyes scan over the elegant script, capturing the attention of your friends in the room. Heeseung's protective instincts kick in immediately. "You're not thinking of going, are you?" He hands back your phone, his gaze steady on yours.

You meet his look with a resolve that surprises even you. "I think I need to," you say firmly. "For closure." Heeseung doesn't look convinced, but he knows better than to argue when your mind is made up. "Just... be careful, okay?" he says, and you can tell he's trying to understand. You nod, grateful for his concern but knowing this is something you have to do for yourself.

Niki, always the joker, jumps into the conversation, trying to lighten the mood. . "I never liked Jeno anyway, you were too pretty for him, and he’s the clumsiest person to literally ever exist”. You can't help but laugh at Niki's attempt to make you smile. "Thanks, Niki," you say, playfully rolling your eyes. "But let's not get too carried away with the ego boost, okay?"

you glance over at jungwon, who clearly has not made a full recovery and is still very much regretting letting jake feed him shot after shot. it’s then you realize that you have no idea about saeroms whereabouts. that probably makes you the worst best friend known to man but in your defense, you had a pretty hectic morning. iyou catch sight of her walking out of jake’s room. confusion spreads across your face. why would she be in his room?

looking a little disheveled, she freezes as she notices everyone's eyes on her. The not-so-secret secret is out, and her cheeks turn a shade of pink.

"Guys, it's not what it looks like," Saerom stammers, but the knowing smiles and snickers from heeseung and sunghoon tell a different story.

You raise an eyebrow playfully. "you and jake? when did that happen?” Saerom bites her lip, trying to suppress a smile. "Okay, okay, maybe it's a little bit like what it looks like, and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you. i was afraid you’d be upset since yknow jake is heeseung’s friend and all" she admits. “trust me im more worried about you catching something from jake than him being my brothers friend” you tell her.

heeseung smiles, “trust me jake’s ONLY been sleeping with her”. you snap your head, giving her an offended look, “my BROTHER knew about this before me? ok now im hurt”. Sunghoon laughs, “it was kind of hard not to find out when they both clearly have a thing for exhibitionism”.

“ ok i think im gonna throw up now” jungwon says causing everyone to let out a laugh”.

niki gasps, “SO THIS is why you’ve been wanting to come to every ksana party??? i knew you were still a boring bitch”. “ok who invited him” saerom rolls her eyes. the sudden commotion in the room wakes sunoo, who had still be deep asleep on the couch next to niki. “what’s going on” he says in a groggy tone. “you don’t wanna know” sunghoon tells him.

you turn to him. Once again admiring his look, now put together as opposed to his disheveled state you encountered when you ran into him this morning. you made a mental note to thank him later for keeping an eye out for jungwon.

You can't help but feel grateful for your friends, even in the midst of reminiscing about your past. With their humor and love, you know you'll be able to face whatever comes your way.

later on back at your place, you catch Saerom up to speed on all the details. “that dick invited you his wedding???, what the fuck is his problem” saerom states with a tone of disgust. “i found it odd too but I think it’s what I need in order to finally close that chapter in my life” you say, assuring her.

“you now what this means right?” she presses. “no?” you ask, a bit confused as to what she has up her sleeve. “you need a date!” “yeah no” you quickly reply. “come on babes you can’t show up alone. you need to show him that you’ve moved on too and don’t care that he wasn’t the one for you”. you ponder her idea. it wouldn’t be so bad. it’d save you from the internal embarrassment of showing up to your ex’s wedding all alone, looking like some pathetic loser who came to drown in her sorrows at the sight of her first love being wedded away to a different woman. after more careful consideration, you reluctantly agree. saerom claps her hands in excitement. “where in the world am i going to find someone that’ll agree to being my date within 2 weeks?” you weren’t exactly the popular type around campus, despite being heeseungs little sister.

“i can ask jake, maybe he’ll know someone?” saerom suggests. you’re hesitant and take a moment to really think about your plan here. “we need to find someone you can be comfortable with. you’ll need to hold hands and do couple shit to make it beliveable”. Saerom tells you, a little to excited about the whole ordeal. you swallow, oh boy are you in for a ride.

taglist: @cornenhapovs @myjaeyuns @magssu @leeknowsgfsblog @luminouskalopsia @jentlecoeur @heeslut4life @variety-is-the-joy-of-life @jaeyungxrl @rapmonie2047 @anormieee @nishislcve @leesura @en-happiness @kimsunoops @heelariously @rikiwaify-blog @ihrtgyuuu @purennn @hoonharem @g0niki @hearts4itoshi @yongbokified @shuichi-sama @xiaoderrrr @hongshuaknow @skylaly @yzzyhee @jwnghyuns @heelovesmeknot @kookify

[sickuma]

ORPHIC (2) — A Simon Riley fic.

❱ This is the last part of HIRAETH ! I don't want to drag it any longer than this. It's so much fun writing this and exploring more words to add to my vocab! Everyone's been nice (except when they give me their therapy bills) I love you guys srsly, You make writing so much more fun <3

I should have gotten this done HOURS ago, but I had to do stuff and just finished working out T-T but hey, writing block isn't killing me rn.

ꜝ？This fic may contain heavy topics such as death, depression and melt-downs, if any of those are not to your liking. Please do so exit the fic. Angst warning!

➴ SYNOPSIS — Ghost mourns of what's lost; reminiscing of the memories, apologizing, begging for you to hear his desperation for your presence as he sat Infront of your tombstone.

QUERENCIA — (n.) A place from which a one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self.

“Relationships in the military,”

He spoke, pausing to stare at your eyes. Searching for hesitance,

“They tend to be tragic.”

“But we’ll be together, no?”

“look , kid, it's not as easy as it sounds—”

“Do you feel the same way?”

You cut him off, not giving him the chance to speak. Catching ‘the’ simon ghost riley off guard, “Yes.” he breathes out.

“Then I don't see the problem, lieutenant, I love you, you love me. That's what barney said.”

He stares at the void, remembering yet again another memory he kept special in his heart. He wondered if you had not pursued him at that exact moment. Would he still feel the raw pain that plagued his heart now? Would it still hurt all the same?

If you hadn't stubbornly shown him how determined and real your love for him was, would he still be in this position, dreading every day that comes knowing the person he needs the most was taken from him.

throwing his gear onto the side. Making his way back to his quarters without giving anyone a second glance,

Ever since you've been gone, the base has been awfully tense. The rest understood his situation, trying their best to be there for him, all while attending to their own duties. The past few weeks had been the hardest, They could tell Ghost had been on edge.

He’d only speak to them if it's necessary, otherwise he’d be kept to himself. As if the past had repeated itself, there appeared a gap between his friends and him. He was mourning, and he plans to keep mourning,

If that means having you on his mind,

Then he’ll mourn forever.

“Ghost?”

Price’s eyes widened at the sight of Ghost, 

It’s the first month since you've passed away and the rest of the team planned to pay you a visit to show respect and also let you know how missed you are, not just by them, but also by Ghost who seemed to have shut his whole world out.

He saw how Ghost shown a tough facade when he would hear him call for her,

At night, when everyone slept, Ghost cried and wept for you to come back. Begging aimlessly for your return,

Begging endlessly to feel your arms around him again.

Price didn't expect him to be joining them. He hadn't been. The team visited your resting place a couple of times before, he’d invite him but he’ll make up reasons not to go. Price figured he still hasn't accepted that's where your body lays,

The ride to their destination felt almost eerie, the tension leading the hour long drive. Nobody dared to speak, not a single word.

Ghost’s mind resides elsewhere, watching the scenery they drove past. Chest heaving up and down as he struggles to fathom that he’d finally visit you, 

No—he was more occupied with thinking about how it’s only been a month.

It felt longer than that. It felt longer than his training days. He felt more exhausted, more agitated, and more angry. He resents every breathing thing he comes across to,

He knew it sounded cruel, but why do they deserve to live and you don't? You have been the kindest, and yet you were taken first. He couldn't understand,

As a soldier he’d lost multiple comrades, having to face funerals—visit the cemetery, and deal with death itself. Though yours felt unreal,

It felt as if his bones were crushed. He knew how pathetic it seemed, clinging onto someone who's never coming back, but he'd rather cling onto the past if it means having to hold you close to his heart forever, where you belonged.

、 

Everyone got out of the car,

Everyone but him.

Price sighed, not planning to pry. If his breath felt shallow just by being here, he could only imagine what Ghost felt at this moment, considering it was his first time to ever be here.

A few minutes passed, and the three sat quietly at first until soap had cracked a dad joke, lifting the atmosphere just a little bit. They spoke as if you were there, sitting with them, price would constantly glace at Ghost, who sat quietly in the car. He wondered what ran through his mind.

“We should give him his own time to talk to [name].” Price groaned as he stretched when he stood up, the two following closely behind him. “He needs this.”

Ghosts' eyes caught them approaching. He felt his stomach sink. He knew he planned to wait until they finished before he took his turn as he expected himself to break down and shed tears. He didn't want them to see that. And yet he still felt his heart beat faster when they came back,

Price threw him a small smile, a smile of empathy.

As if that's his cue, he jumped out of the car. Taking slow strides towards ‘your’ direction. He never thought he could ever despise a cemetery so much in his life,

The only thing he could think of was the way you laid down there, away from his grasp.

No matter how slow he walks, he soon finds himself in front of ‘you’, oh well—a stone that only proved to him that you're gone. “Have you been waiting?”

He couldn't believe it,

He was talking to a mere stone.

But he’ll take what he can get.

“Wake up.” he stared down with an expressionless face, “enough laziness, [name]. Get up from there.”

“You can have all of the shirts you want from me, you can pluck my eyebrows, do it, you can get a puppy. Anything you want just— just wake up.”

His voice betrayed him the more he spoke, 

The longer he looked at the stone, the way he kept reading the credentials written on it, the more it felt real. Every passing second is just another evidence of your disappearance,

“You always call me mean,”

He swallowed,

“Yet you're the one who left first.” his cold gaze softened, the more he looked at the ground. Under the ground where your body laid.

Where the body of his lover slept eternally.

“How do I find you now? Now that I'm stuck here?”

He recollects his promise, the promise to reunite in your next life. It all pierced through him. He’s a soldier, yet he finds himself worrying about the most ridiculous thing. What if you'd reincarnate before he passed?

What if you leave him behind again,

What if this time you find someone else to love?

What will he be then?

“Remember when you'd go on tangents about how fascinating reincarnation and universes are? I believe you now, okay? So— so wait for me.”

He sat down, quietly enjoying the breeze. He couldn't deny the pain of the piercing ache that developed in his chest. It never really went away. He would simply distract himself.

“I find it hard to sleep again, love.”

“The bed feels colder without you in it. Do i sound cheesy? Do not make fun of me. I want to be honest. Maybe doing that would lessen the overbearing hurt in my chest. It’s just—it’s only been a month since youre gone and im already a fucking mess. I mean, look at me,”

He chuckled,

“I look rough, dont i?” he sighed, “would you still find my eyes pretty even when i tire them out by crying?”

He looked away, observing the serenity of the cemetery. He wondered how many souls wandered around, and if yours were one, and if you stood close to him.

“I feel—just terrible. When I woke up, I thought I'd finally lose it, well I did. I caused price trouble, you'd have scolded me. I really did it this time, pushing everyone away as if you'd come back to tell me off. That's not ever happening, and that's what hurts the most.” 

He spoke slowly, yet he felt out of breath.

“It feels suffocating—you know? To live without you.”

“I don't know why I woke up, I wished I didn't. Maybe then I'd be with you.”

“It’s scary, [name], so scary.” he whispered, the rasp of his voice sounding more evident. “I have no certainty if we’ll see each other again; and I need nothing more than to hold—to feel you again. To hear your voice, to take in your scent. If I have to give everything up for that, I will.”

“Anything just to have you back to me.”

He stared at the words engraved on the tomb,

“but if i have to wait decades or centuries—i will—without hesitance, without a blink, i will. For you, I'll keep being patient.”

“That's how worthy you are [name]. So wait for me please, no matter how long it takes for me to find you again, please wait.”

He spoke lowly, but certainly, no matter where you are, he hoped you'd recognize him, hoping you’d recognize his eyes you loved so much,

“Even if it means i'll have to die again and again, i’ll keep searching for you until we’re back home until i can hear your voice call my name again.”

“Wait for me, [name].”

Hoping you’d recognize your Simon.

、 

Somewhere along the memories,

、 

Somewhere along the universe,

、 

Somewhere along life and death,

、 

Somewhere along—

、 

“Simon.”

“Pardon?” he looked at you, puzzled expression written all over his face. “Whatd you just say?”

“My simon.”

We're home.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM RED, WHITE & ROYAL BLUE *  assorted (and slightly adapted to suit this meme format) dialogue from the book by casey mcquiston, adjust as necessary

on purpose. i love him on purpose.

i've always thought of myself as a problem that deserved to stay hidden.

i'm going to have you offed. you'll never see it coming.

take anything you want and know you deserve to have it.

get in there.

you're literally putting your dick in the leader of a foreign state.

before you, i was all right letting everything happen to me.

i can't believe even mortal peril will not prevent you from being the way you are.

sorry, are we not? did i skip ahead again?

you've been warned.

he died as he lived: avoiding plans and sucking cock.

my life is a cosmic joke and you're not a real person.

hey, have i told you lately that you're brave?

i honestly have never thought i deserved to choose.

we're gonna make it work. you and me and history, remember?

if you finish that sentence, i'm gonna spend tonight in jail.

but the truth is, also, simply this: love is indomitable.

i actively wish for the sweet release of death.

yes, good, carry on.

i won't hear a word against it.

we're gonna do it together.

i said you look great, baby!

i meet you in every dream, and when i wake i cannot close my eyes again for ruminating on your sweetness.

i'm so in love i could die.

you can take your legacy and your decorum and you can shove it up your fucking arse.

i wonder if it's too late to swan dive off the roof.

i'm learning all your hidden depths today, sweetheart.

you must invent an entirely new system.

a curious thing about grief is the way it takes your entire life, all those foundational years that made you who you are, and makes them so painful to look back on.

he's proof that it doesn't matter where you come from or who your family is.

i've bloody well had it!

we can unpack the ironic symbolism later.

that's beyond our sense of decorum!

i'm not afraid of anything i feel. i'm afraid of saying it. i'm only afraid of what happens when i do.

aw, you do care.

if there's any legacy for me on this earth, i want it to be true.

straight people probably don't spend this much time convincing themselves that they're straight.

the moment you first called me a prick, my fate was sealed.

you are the absolute worst idea i've ever had.

should i tell you that when we're apart, your body comes back to me in dreams?

can you perhaps stop putting your sodding life in danger now?

what are we even defending here?

history will remember us.

when i sleep, i see you.

i hate this so much.

every person who bears a legacy makes the choice of a partner with whom they will share it with.

we're just gonna fucking fight.

he is my choice.

i can appreciate that maybe this isn't your fault.

i've been gay as a maypole since the day i came out of mom.

when i wake up in the morning, it feels like i've just been with you.

i can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache.

your spine's a ridge i'd die climbing.

for a few moments, i can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all.

the phrase 'see attached bibliography' is the single sexiest thing you have ever written me.

i promise you, one day we'll be able to just be, and fuck everyone else.

give yourself away sometimes, sweetheart. there's so much of you.

i want to set myself on fire, but i can't afford for anyone to see me burn.

you see, for me, memories are difficult.

never tell me the odds.

i wish there weren't a wall.

jesus christ, it's like they can see into your soul.

you're it, okay? i'm never gonna love anybody in the world like i love you.

i'm finished. i don't care.

god, i want to fight everyone who's ever hurt you.

the whole world watched, and history remembered.

are you quite finished?

just so we're clear. i'm about to have sex with you in this storage closet to spite your family.

you insane, hopeless romantic little shit.

[yrbladie]

—﹒୨` TELL ME GOODBYE (part 1/?)

˖ ࣪ summary. in which they're gone, but you call them one last time to hear their voice. but instead of the silent beeps and the voicemail message, you hear his quiet breathing. or in which you get one last chance to say goodbye.

˖ ࣪ characters. diluc, kaeya.

( warnings ) around 1k words. angst. gn!reader. heavy mentions of death (his). kind of modern setting since it has phones. mentions of living together (diluc). non-fluent writer

( a/n ) this is based on a book called "you've reached sam" and on a personal experience. also i'm not 100% sure if i should make a series out of this or not, i just had this idea randomly after reading the book and relating to it. and i kind of wrote this in a rush after an entire night awake so... if there is anything confusing or any mistakes, i'm sorry. and yes, i know it's small but i'm starting back slow :')

It had already been a year since your life had completely fallen apart, ever since your lover's passing. You kept wondering if you had made a mistake somewhere down the line or if your life had simply always been this dull.

Though time had completely stopped for you, the outside kept moving on, only precious memories remaining, like flames that spring to life one last time before being completely diminished to ashes.

Before, it was common to joke that you'd never be able to spend even a moment without his presence by your side, but who would've thought? Now, you'd have to spend an entire lifetime without him.

You, above everyone, knew how unfair destiny could be. But of all people, did it have to be him?

It's almost as if things hadn't changed much.

Your reserved seat in the tavern is still there, but this time it's Charles who greets you every time, a compassionate look in his eyes. And you don't know why — actually, you do — but you always find yourself waiting for him. Waiting until the moment you'll hear the door to Angel's Share open, and this time, surely, this time it'll be him. And you'd smile at him like you always did, and ask "where have you been? I've been waiting for you all this time!". But for some reason, you can't imagine what his answer would be anymore.

You always look for him everywhere you go, his red hair in the middle of the crowd, standing out like a rose in a field of lilies. Back then, no matter how much you tried to surprise him from behind, he'd turn around and greet you, like he was able to find you anywhere. He always did.

You always find yourself waiting for him to come back from wherever he is — even if you know where he is. Besides his father, in the cemetery next to the church.

On his birthday, his grave was filled with flowers of all kinds, and on most days, there was a single Small Lamp Grass that you'd change every few times. Sometimes, Kaeya would add a pink carnation to the pile on the days you couldn't go visit Diluc.

It was by no means a lonely and abandoned place there. And if you could be honest with yourself, you'd even say that spending your entire day besides his grave was better than to come home to a empty house. The place in which your voice echoed to nothingness and the silence was unbearable. The future, so meticulously planned together, now mocking you from a distance, out of reach.

Walking from room to room, you find bits of Diluc everywhere, your voice barely above a whisper as you try to connect all the pieces back together. As you try to remember how it felt to have him there. And you can't. You realize, with a coldness in your chest and a choked up sigh, that the human mind could be something so fragile.

So instead of dwelling on a life that no longer exists, surrounded by the shadows of a presence forever gone, you call him, just like you used to do. And for a single moment, it feels like you're back to the past. During the days where Diluc would never let it ring more than twice before answering.

And it seems like it rings forever as you wait for the usual voicemail to start playing, his casual voice saying that he'd call again later if it was something important. But this time, you're greeted by silence. And you're about to start wondering if your phone had glitched, before a familiar voice greets you again.

"(Name)?"

And maybe, you've really gone insane after all this time. Because it was still his voice, in the same way he used to say your name, although now he whispered, almost as if he couldn't believe it himself. Even if this was all a dream, just the fact you could hear him say your name again was a blessing in itself.

So you whisper back, "I'm here".

You can't help but feel like you've been there before. More times than you'd like to admit. It was like people around you were always doomed to disaster, so much so that it made you wonder whether you were somehow cursed.

"Well, then maybe we should be cursed together." Was Kaeya's lighthearted answer to your worries. Although he had quite the charming smirk at the time, you knew he was being serious.

Kaeya was someone that spoke about forever as if he was talking about the weather. In the way he joked about never leaving no matter what happened, and making promises under the stars.

In the end, you won the bet that neither of you chose to participate, the one you didn't even know you were part of. A bet with fate. It was like it was a cruel and twisted joke from destiny itself. To show you that indeed, your 'curse' would always be your downfall. Because no matter how many times you'd been there before, watching yet another loved one being buried, you still never expected it.

A fool's hopeless dreams. Like a firefly chasing a shooting star. Always looking up for the brighter days only to end up in the rainiest ones.

You had always loved rain. But now all your flowers where withering and your plant pots were overflowing, because as much as water can nurture, it can also destroy when it has nowhere else to go.

Mourning sometimes led people to the strangest places. Some would start swearing they could hear their loved one voice calling for them in their home, in the street. Some would even see them. And you couldn't help but wish this paranoia to yourself, because ever since Kaeya was gone, there was a simple and unending cycle of silence. No matter how much time you wasted waiting for something to happen during the late nights awake, you were never blessed by his faint presence again, created by a mind affected by delusions.

And so, with trembling hands you decided to dial Kaeya's number again. Like it had been on instinct, a habit too difficult to let go of. You heard the familiar ringtone as you took comfort in it. Slowly trying to delude yourself that things were still the same, that Kaeya was somewhere simply busy with work and he would call you back in a few minutes.

But the call was unexpectedly picked up. You wondered whether someone else already had his number, and you couldn't help but be angry, because how could they? But it wasn't their fault. Instead, you decided to speak as if it was Kaeya there, on the other side.

"Why?" You asked. Why did you have to leave? Why did you accept to go on that trip? Why didn't you stay when I asked you to? There were many questions you wished to ask, but knew you'd probably never hear the answer to.

"Uh… shouldn't I have picked up?"

The other person in the line suddenly says, their voice cheerful and so painfully familiar. You wondered if there was anyone else in the world that could have his voice, and now that you paid attention to it, you could hear his calm breathing through the phone, the same one that you used to hear when you'd call each other late at night only to sleep 'together'.

It seemed almost impossible to be him, but this time you wished to fool yourself just a little bit.

"Kaeya?"

And you can swear you hear his quiet chuckle, the one he always did when you said something silly.

"Yes, it's me."

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Floyd, Kalim: The Way of Water

I was wondering how the artwork would frame the sitting boys, but I guess having Floyd floating there on his butt is fine fjeviwgxkwjwhfoen I don’t know what the alternative would be…

It's nice to learn more about the land boot camp the Octatrio went to; Floyd's vignettes indicate that merpeople need passports and that they went to a zoo as part of the program.

A Tale as Old as Time.

Museums could be such snore fests sometimes. Sure, the place had an entire section dedicated to merpeople history, but it was nothing compared to what the Atlantica Memorial Museum boasted under the sea: the Mermaid Princess's silver comb, a replica of the Sea Witch's cauldron, bones of a sea dragon, a statue of the Sea King...

Here? All they had were some crummy paintings.

Floyd tilted his head back, taking in merman arriving in a dolphin-drawn chariot. He was an older man that sported bushy brows and a grand white beard that flowed in the water, his physique muscular and imposing. There was a regal presence about him, perhaps in how upright he stood, or in the glisten of the crown upon his head or the gauntlets cuffing his wrists. With his trident in hand, it was clear who he was.

The ruler of all the oceans. The waves obeyed his every whim, the sea and all its spoils bowing to his power. He, the Sea King.

Meh, what’s so great about him? So stiff and uptight. It’s be so much better workin’ for the Sea Witch.

Floyd's eyes flickered to the boy next to him, who seemed far more interested in the painting than he was. A steady grin crept onto his face, and he leaned in close.

Floyd pounced, hooking a long arm around Kalim's shoulder and yanking him over. The eel peered down at him, a single golden orb colliding with a pair of garnets. Leering, Floyd jerked his head at the depiction of the Sea King.

"Ne, ne, Otter-chan. What'cha think of this one?"

Any sane person might have been paralyzed with fear encountering Floyd in a dimly lit room, but not Kalim. No, Kalim was not sane at all.

The dorm leader greeted his peer with a smile so wide it could fill the horizon. "Floyd!! I'm so excited I get to see more of your history."

He blinked. "You actually like studying this kinda thing? Are you even any good at it?"

"Nope, not really!!" Kalim confessed (perhaps a little too easily). "I was looking at this painting and going, 'His beard's so impressive!' It reminds me of the one my dad has. I won't remember all the details later, but I'll always remember how cool the Sea King looks."

"It goes in one ear and out the other. Why bother then? Just dedicate your time and energy to stuff that actually interests ya."

"But it does interest me. It's fun learning about where your classmates come from! I heard humans and merpeople weren't always on good terms."

"Yeah. Back when the Sea King still ruled, there were tooons of rules forbidding merpeople from coming into contact with humans." Floyd held up a finger for each one he counted off. "No going to the surface world, no owning human stuff, no exploring shipwrecks... even no music at one point. You'd think Goldfishy wrote the lawbook."

Of course, even if those rules were in place, he would still totally disregard them. No one—not royalty, not his parents—could stop Floyd from venturing into the unknown.

"Whoa, the Sea King sounds like he was super strict and scary! I don't think I could live without music..." Kalim's face dropped. "He looks like such a nice person in the painting though."

Floyd rolled his eyes. "Cuz he lost his wife to a human ship. After that, he got all paranoid, thinking himans and merpeople are too different to coexist. He got especially protective over his daughters. The Sea King had seven of 'm and he breathed down all of their necks.”

"Ooooh!" Kalim didn't even bat an eye at the number (Floyd was sure it paled next to the number of siblings he had running around in his home.) "So the Sea King just wanted to protect his loved ones and make sure nothing sad like that ever happened again. He's a good guy after all!"

He now regarded Floyd with eager, sparkling eyes. "Wow, you know so much about this!! It's crazy thinking about how different things were in the past."

"Duh. It'd be boring if things stayed the same all the time." The eel smirked. He let go of Kalim and stepped back, giving a playful twirl, arms stretching out above him. "Ehehehe! Good thing the Mermaid Princess ended up opening doors for us to come onto land~"

Kalim beamed. "That's right!! She did! We wouldn’t be able to be friends without the Mermaid Princess’s help.”

The word gave Floyd pause, a rock tossed along his path as he brought his foot down upon it, snagging his step. Friend. He didn’t like spoken in that saccharine, trusting tone.

It was sticky and sweet, stuck in his teeth. Like cotton candy residue yet to be washed away by the waves, or sweat accumulated from summer heat. A gross feeling.

“You’re bein’ way too generous with your definitions again,” Floyd groaned, peeling away. “Cut it out, or I’ll get annoyed.”

Kalim (unwisely) laughed. Not at Floyd, but with him. “Oh, hey. When you think about it, we’re not really that different.”

“Mmm? What are you saying now, Otter-chan? Did all the sunbathing finally melt your brain?”

“In the Scalding Sands, waterways are really important. We use them for trade and travel. It’s the same for the Coral Sea. With all that water, it’s convenient for those sorts of things.” Kalim said matter-of-factly. “We’re using those same waterways now. We’re connected by water.”

“A good part of Twisted Wonderland is water,” Floyd pointed out. “You sayin’ everyone can be friends with everyone?”

Kalim nodded eagerly. “The Sea King was probably wrong. Humans and merpeople are actually very similar. I think the Mermaid Princess knew that too, and she wanted to help others recognize it.”

Floyd stared at Kalim, the moment long and hard. He wasn’t irritated anymore, only a little disappointed. Maybe mildly disgusted. “… Otter-chan, you’re so happy it hurts.”

“Thanks!”

“That wasn’t a compliment.” Floyd sighed. The energy and fight had been rapidly drained from in over the course of the short exchange, leaving him as wilted as a salted slug. “Aaaah, whatever. I’m tired of this already. I’m bailing.”

He turned on his heel and made for the exit and into the adjacent room. Already, Floyd could see a platinum frame of the Sorcerer of the Sand in the distance, bony fingers clasping a golden scarab.

“Wait up, I’m come with!” Kalim called after him. “I can teach you about my country’s history too!

That was how water was—always seeking to follow the flow. One body leading straight into another.

Floyd picked up his pace, arms pumping. (No running in the museum? Screw the rules.) Adrenaline deposited into his bloodstream, and he was hit with a rush.

Suddenly excited again, maybe a little interested in what a certain otter had to offer. A game, a chase, a thrill.

This is what he had come to the surface for.

Not rules or restrictions or a royal bossing him about. Not even friendship, as Kalim had suggested. Just fun, plain and simple.

It looked like he was going to get it.

Floyd grinned and shouted back, “Catch me if you can then!!”

And hurled right into the next room over.

Bless the Mermaid Princess.

[silvershiningtarot]

✨PAC18+ Channeled Messages From Your FS..... 💘💋💘

🪬Some of you say you wanted channeled Messages from your Future Spouses. But with more detail.💋 Thank You @fae-ngel for the details of the channel's message from y'all future spouses. If some of you guys feel offended about the religion thing don't read this. In the last pile. You can pick more than one pile. Remember this is a general reading.

👋🏽Hey baby, I hope that you are doing okay. I haven't been on my best behavior lately. I wanna tell you something, but I can't. For years I have been lied to. Cheated on and stabbed in the back. Since yesterday I got hurt by a friend. I almost got into a bad fight with one of my friends. I've been out drinking, partying, and smoking. Keeping myself distracted so I won't fucking hurt myself. So I want to cry 😭 so bad. But I can't. I hate that I have to keep a fucking smile on my face. I hate I have to deal with my responsibility without any fucking help. I need help. Not professional. But love help, nurturing help, and support help. I wish someone who is right now out there to help me. But there isn't. I know I can't quit my job. How am I supposed to feed my kids? Feed my family, feed my team. Of course, feed myself. Every time I tried to get a little piece and quiet to myself. Somebody or something always gets in the way. This fucking ex of mine is always on me. Yeah, I know it's my fucking fault. But hell I'm trying. I know I keep getting robbed and played by her. But I won't lie to you. I don't like to be alone. I get scared when I'm alone. I know right, the person who's complaining about wanting to be alone. I don't like to be with my thoughts. It is scary sometimes. You get it right! I've lived in darkness my whole life. Until my kids came along. But still... These thoughts, and memories. It’s scary. That's even half of the shit. I'm telling you about. Anyways, let me tell you something.. I've faced a lot of challenges in my life. Face them!! I did. I dream about you constantly, so my question is this. When are you going to come to me? I've been waiting and waiting for you. I know it sounds impatient. But I am❗. Whatever you go through right now or for a while. Fight that shit. Close your eyes and pretend I'm there fighting with you not against you. Because whenever I close my eyes can see it. You are with me every single time. Fighting my life with me. I know I go thinking that your energy is in my ex. But it isn't but it isn't. Okay, don't be mad at me! I can feel your anger when I said that. Haha 😂. Baby, you should go out and date other people. You shouldn't wait on me. That's kinda fucked up for you to wait on me. While I'm stuck! I should ask myself this! To My future wife! Should I keep you stuck with me? Tuh Hell NOO!! I wouldn't want my daughters to be waiting on some dude they haven't met yet. I haven't met you yet... Ooh, I have a song for us. That's a song I'm dedicating to us. I hope you like it. I just haven't met you yet. Once I do! I'll be screaming 🙀 saying YAY!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You take my breath away every time I see you in my dreams. The sad part is when I wake up early in the rising... That's right I said Rising! I took your word!! Haha 😂 anyway, when I get up I can't remember your face. Do you honestly think about me? Answer these questions for me. I'm serious Comment it down if you have to. How come you don't invite me back into your dream? What's keeping you from me? Did I do something wrong? I hope that didn't. Maybe, you should talk to me in the middle of the night. With your lights off and just call me in. I bet I'll come to you in a heartbeat. I mean Duh, I am your husband. Well not yet! I hope I can be your husband. It would be an honor to be your husband. This life, the next life, in the stars.. Or whatever I hope I come down being your husband or wife forever. I am your partner. You know what so fucking funny! I think you send me a message in my dream. But fucking deadasss!!! For the life of me, I can't remember! Do you get like that? But For the real answer. The funny thing is. I am crazy about you but again I haven't met you yet. I know you probably won't talk to me! But hear me out. Don't be mad. Please, please 🙏🏾 I won't forgive myself if you are mad at me for this. Hold up let me get myself together. Okay, (clear throat) I told my ex about you. I told her I fantasized about you when I'm sleeping with her. When she was kissing me I wiped that shit off fast.

Whenever her back is turned I wiped her lips off of me. These lips 💋 are yours. My body is yours. But again, I am sorry for the wait but I ain't sorry that you got to wait. I know it sounds harsh. Let me tell you why!! Because your mind, body, heart, and soul are mine. That isn't fair to someone else to have to take it from me. I'll hunt them down if anyone touches you. Even from a far distance, I'll still hunt those dudes down if they ever try. So yeah I haven't been on my best behavior. Now you know why. Anyways, I love you darling. Remember that's your name always with me... Darling.

🌟Hello, my cupcake.

How's my cutie doing? I just wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for still believing in us and our connection. You holding out strong. I've never had anyone who holds out like that. Thank you. I am dating around. Just putting myself out there. My advice to you is don't check up on me. Don't check up on me on social media, videos, or anything. I want you to start dating yourself. I want you to focus on yourself. So we both can become a little closer🙏🏾. It seems that you were afraid of me. I came to you into your dream today. Don't you remember? But you kept swerving around. So I stop following you for a minute. Until you called out my name in my dream. Only you know who this is. Keep it to your chest. The reason why I say date yourself is because I'm scared for you to find someone that's out there for you. You'll forget about me. I know I never experience someone like you and you never experience someone like me. Are you ready to? I feel like I kinda am ready to experience someone like you. I wanna get to know you a little bit more. Your energy and your spirit are here with me. I know it is your spirit next to me. I can feel it next to me. I told you a little bit about my past. I've cried to you. I am so comfortable with you. You know what's so funny... You always lay on me in your dreams. I can tell that you are comfortable with me too. Shush 🤫 that's a good thing. I'm glad you didn't judge me for my past. The mistakes I've made. You let me tear it down. Thank you. Do you know how special you are? I feel that you've been through a lot. Oh, damn! When you laid on me. I didn't just cry because of my past. I've cried to you too. Are you ready to start a new life with me? A new family with me. Our marriage, relationships, and our kids. Are you ready to be my wife/husband? Ask yourself this baby. It is scary once we are in it together. It's going to be hella fucking scary. But one thing I know today is that we will have each other. I haven't met you yet. But one thing is. I wanna dedicated a song to you real quick. Listen to both songs. I'm serious. They are for you, baby. Slowly listen to my words. Let my words from my song speak to you. Just as your present speaks to me. Your spirit talks to me all the time. I talk to myself all the time. I never thought in my life, I felt this way about you. The closer I'm getting towards you. I can feel you getting stronger. I'm not joking about this. I know I may sound 📢 crazy. I'm being honest with you. Anyways, I'm done talking right now. I'm assigning you homework. Those two songs give you! You better tell me what these songs mean to you. I can feel our connection getting stronger and closer. But of course, I keep thinking it was someone else. But it isn't. I know it's you. I just have to convince myself more.

🧑🏾‍❤️‍💋‍🧑🏾oh my sweetheart.

Have you been eating? I can see you putting on weight. I've been watching you left to right. How's your family doing? You told me you've been dealing with a lot of toxicity. So have I. The reason why is that my mother has been lying to me. She kept a lot of secrets from me. That I haven't even known. She told me things I wish no man or any child had to experience that shit. I felt that my mother wasn't sure about having me. I guess I was a third-party child. It was a one-night stand when she had me. But anyway, let's talk about us. I want to say to you that... You are the most important person in my life. I know I’ve kept talking about my mother. But she told me that you're nothing but a fantasy I'll never get to meet you. Never! You hear that bullshit. I tried telling my friends and other people but they laugh at me. I feel completely alone. Can you talk to me? Can I have a moment of your time? Just for a moment. Don't worry I don't live with my mother she lives with me. Even if I did live with my mother. Would you still date me? That's not the point but I'm sorry for feeling all insecure about us. I know I am the one who's holding us back. I've been wishing that you were right here by my side. Can we run away together once we meet? Please. This distance I can't deal with it. Can just two people who are meant to be just be together? That isn't fair, right? Don't you agree with me? Anyways, my shining light 💡. You light up my world when I think about you. When I talk to my boss and friends or even be on dates with different women I've been zoning out from them. Because they are boring as hell. Like ugh, I wanna have a real conversation with you. I wanna talk to you. I feel like the universe is holding us back. I'm about to say fuck it! Say, let's go ahead and find each other. I don’t care if I have to push through people and other forces get to you then I fucking will. I am tired of being patient here. What do you have to do? What do I gotta do? I am sorry for the yelling and the frustration. But I am frustrated. Anyways, this is what I'm going through. Don't worry everything will be perfect once we both lock eyes with each other. Everything is coming together soon.

💘Ahh, are you Cupid? Because baby your arrow shoot my heart 💘. I wanna tell you my name. But I think you know my name already. Think harder and look deeper. I know a lot of women think I'm very handsome and charming and have a lot of women coming after me. Which I do. But guess what though. You swept me off my feet. The only person I wanna chase after is you. I don't know how you do it but you just do. I love how you shot fire with your words. The way you way rap, move your body, and the way you maneuver your words. God! That shit is fucking sexy. I know I should speak the lord's name in vain. However, I ain't burning in hell. Unless you coming with me. Then I'm alright with that. My health has been up and down lately. In and out of the hospital 🚑 left to right. But don't give me your sympathy. I don’t fucking need it. I know It sounds like I don't open up. But I don't. But you!! YOU!! I don't know what kind of spell you put on me. I've tried to run away from you, ignore you, block you out of my head, dreams, and energy 🔋. You are so goddamn strong. Tell me! What makes you so powerful? What do you do? Are you a witch? If you are then cast me a spell right in front of me. I don't believe in magic ✨ but for some damn reason! Boom 💣 here you come. I won't lie to you. I wanna fuck you. You are drop-dead gorgeous. But even from a distance, you torture me. I don't know if it is a good thing. So it's a good thing. No matter how hard I've tried to forget about you, there you are. It's like ugh, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! tell me now! It's such a good feeling. I don't know how to describe this feeling. Maybe it's lust between you and me. Maybe, the truth is. I'm falling for you from a distance. I've fucked so many women just to stop thinking about you. But you won't go away from me. I hope that you know this. Honestly, you did this to me. I hope you are happy. You got me a simp for you. I talk to a psychic just to get you out of my mind, heart, and body. When I lay in bed. I can feel your head and skin on me. Especially, when you are out of the shower 🛁 😂😏😏😏. I'm a horny guy/girl. I'm always horny. But you made me feel like I'm a changed man/woman. I don't even know yet! Whatever you are doing!! Cut it out! Because I will find you❤️ I've got a lot of money 💵 I'll find you I don't know how but I will. The second I rest my head, you come straight into my dreams. You fucking siren! It's your voice and your entire aura pulls into your arms. Nah! I'm a master. Don't tell anyone this keep this between you and me. You make me weak. I can feel my bones 🦴 weak. Ugh, it's sad that you aren't here yet. So whatever you are doing!! I want you to..... Keep doing it. 🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦.

[emeraldhaven]

Celebrating You and Only You

V hated birthdays.

Another tick of the clock towards inevitability, a step towards the end of a life she loved so very much. She didn't hate them purely because of this of course - she also didn't like the expectations that came on a day like today. Gifts, parties, celebrations of her life which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't all that important. She'd much rather head out on her bike, drive by some Tyger Claws or Maelstrom and fry their brains to a crisp using her cyberdeck than have to accept gifts from her friends that, bless their souls, would be trying to make this year a "year to remember".

"Jesus V - could you be any more depressin'? Cheer up, live a little!" Johnny whined, appearing on the sidewalk beside V. He was looking wistfully over the Watson community centre, leaning on the handrail exactly the same as she was.

"C'mon Johnny, you've been trawling through my memories, you know why I don't like today." V said, looking over to see whatever Johnny was also looking at. She didn't really see anything other than a few people drunk or high stumbling along the sidewalk. She breathed in deeply, held it and closed her eyes, the stale Night City air burning her lungs, then dropping her shoulders and breathing out slowly, her hand gripping tightly onto the railing.

Johnny shook his head and scoffed, pushing off of the railing and crossing his arms.

"Hey, I'm not sayin' you need to like today, just at least visit the people who care about you most. Quit bein' a little shit and make people feel like you appreciate their efforts."

V sighed. She really didn't want to go and see anybody today, but maybe Johnny was right - maybe she ought to go see some of her friends? Taking out her phone, she opened up the contacts menu and scrolled down, tapping on So Mi.

The phone rang, and rang, and rang, and rang.

"Huh. Why isn't So Mi picking up?" V wondered. It's quite unlike her little Songbird to not pick up the phone when she called, given everything that happened between the two. Granted, she'd just come back from her little trip up to Tycho, and any kind of operation is going to be taxing on somebody - maybe she wasn't feeling up to chatting?

V tried to contact her other friends: Kerry went straight to voicemail; Judy was on do-not-disturb; Panam was "out of cell range" - whatever that meant; River was "at work". Tapping her phone against her chin, V hummed out loud some familiar tune that was stuck in her head whilst she thought why every single person she could possibly want to hang out with was suddenly completely unavailable.

She hears a ping from her cellphone - it's a photo from So Mi and it's of the front door to her apartment. The caption reads:

"Come home."

V's heartrate shoots up - what does she mean, come home? Songbird has no idea where her apartment is, she'd never gone there during the whole Dogtown event, instead staying at the various safehouses that Reed and Alex had set up. It was a worrying thing for So Mi to know both where she lived and that she was there - it wasn't a particularly safe megabuilding.

Hopping on her Kusanagi, she turned the key and kicked off the pavement, pulling the throttle hard and speeding off to her home. After some incredibly reckless driving (Judy calls it "literally asking for trouble"), she arrives in quite possibly the shortest amount of time it's ever taken for her to drive across Night City. V practically jumps up the entire flight of stairs in front of her block, somehow leaping up 4 stairs at a time to reach the elevator, barely even registering the small red-electrical glitch on the TV screens, and once it arrives at the top sprints towards her apartment door and opens it.

The first thing V notices is that it's too quiet. Taking a quick scan around her apartment with her eyes, she can't see anyone and even her Kiroshi's aren't registering anything out of the ordinary. It takes one, two, three steps into her home before anything happens. A red glitch takes over her vision; quite similar to how the Relic would give her trouble, but she feels completely fine; until it all starts to clear and…

"SURPRISE!!" A loud cacophony of voices and cheers and party horns and poppers go off, showering her in a sea of noise, warmth and a shocking amount of confetti. V blinks away the odd bit of static to see all of her friends standing before her: Panam, Mitch, Judy, Rita, River, Kerry, Misty, Reed, Alex, Jackie, Viktor, Takemura and right in the middle as though she was illuminated by the stars themselves, So Mi holding a cake with the cutest little artistic (and quite edible) depiction of V at work, Mantis Blades in hand.

"Guys, you didn't have to do all this!" V exclaimed, shocked that they could have even set up something as elaborate as this without her really knowing.

"V, choom, we wouldn't have had it any other way." Jackie said softly, walking over and placing a hand around her shoulders. "Now kick back, relax and grab a cold one - it's time for celebrating you, and only you, today. None of this back and forth shit."

V looked up at Jackie and back towards her friends, her eyes starting to well up from all the emotions. She started to see all the little details - the cake, the small pieces of ribbon around the apartment, the bunting celebrating her 24th birthday, and all her friends dressed up and here for her. It wasn't something she was used to, but it was definitely something she could grow to enjoy.

As the party started, Jackie left V to go talk to Viktor and Takemura about some boxing thing that V didn't really know a whole lot about. She walked over and sat down next to So Mi, dressed in an immaculate jacket and jean combo that was quite similar to what her Relic-form had actually looked like. She was stunning, truly a beautiful woman in her own right, but since she got back from Luna she had this sparkle in her eyes that made V's heart flutter.

"Hey V - didn't see this one coming did you?" Songbird smirked, her soft lips accented in a beautifully red lipstick. V felt almost unable to take her eyes off of them, flicking down between her two newest vices: Songbird's eyes and lips.

"Uh, um, n-no no I didn't actually. How long have you known?" V stuttered.

"Ha! Well, it was a combination of everyone really. I got back from Tycho and, well, I got contacted by Panam - something about you not really having a lot of time celebrating your birthday in the past?" So Mi took a sip from her drink, lips wrapped around the straw in her cup.

"Ah I shouldn't have gotten drunk and chatted life with Panam - didn't realise that I'd have left something like that slip." V chuckled. "What was your little part to play in all this, Song?"

"The whole fact you couldn't see anything - hooked into the Relic and altered your visualware for the whole effect. Might have spruced other things up, as well, but y'know that's just for personal fun." Song couldn't have looked any more smug, nor more beautiful given that it seemed like, to V at least, that she was literally glowing.

"You're beautiful." V muttered, completely unaware that she'd said that out loud.

Songbird blushed a deep red. "Thanks V, that means a lot coming from you." She started to play with the top of the typical red cup she was holding.

V's eyes widened and her own scarlet blush creeped across her face, the tips of her eyes going ever so slightly pink. Taking a swig of her drink, she placed her hand on top of So Mi's, their pinkies ever so slightly hooking onto the other's.

"No, thank you Song - for all of this. I really, really appreciate you being here, and I'd want nothing else." V smiled softly at So Mi, flicking down to her lips again. She suddenly got quite aware of how close they were actually sitting on the couch.

"V… I-"

"Hey V! Come check out this sweet new gear that Judy's got!" Panam called over, rushing to grab V's arm and pull her away from Songbird. V looked back guiltily at Song, mouthing out "I'm sorry, talk later!" towards the redhead who smiled back and nodded in return.

The party would continue into the late night, and one-by-one people said their farewells and see-you-laters until everyone had left except for Jackie and Songbird.

"Alright V, I'd best be off - got a cute date with Misty in the morning, and I don't wanna miss it." Jackie said, slapping his legs and standing up. V walked him over to the door and hugged him.

"Thanks Jack - I had a preem time today." V said, choking on the last few words and giving Jackie another hug before he left.

"And then there were two." Songbird chuckled, lounging back on the couch, heels off and feet up on the couch, arms outstretched over the couch's spine.

"Well it was one at some point right, back when you were just a cute ghost in my head?" V chuckled, the room slightly swaying. V stumbles over and flops down onto the couch, falling right into the space between So Mi's side and her outstretched arm. V's back is suddenly warm, the machinery within So Mi's body heating up as the alcohol within their systems work independently, but seemingly together.

So Mi wraps her arm around V's chest, slowly stroking her abdomen, fingers raising and dropping at the curves of her abs. "Mmm - only a cute ghost? I seem to remember a certain someone thinking quite a lot about other things that involve the 'cute ghost in her head'." So Mi giggled, squeezing softly.

"Would be a gonk ass move to think too much nowadays though; pretty sure I was getting quite visceral feedback myself." V looked up at So Mi, gazing back into those captivating eyes. "Couldn't help it, Song, you had me when you invited back to that bench."

So Mi hummed, a multitude of thoughts, feelings and pure emotions coursing through her head. As her heartbeat ramped up, the whirring in the motors in her spine lowly increased, and V noticed.

"Not gettin' too mushy on me, are ya' Song?" V giggled back, placing her own hand on Songbird's, the dark glow of both her apartment and Night City from her window illuminating the two.

Songbird shook her head and then slowly, softly and with the most care anyone has ever given to V, leant down and kissed the top of her head. Burying her nose in the plushness of V's soft, delicate stained-red hair, she exhaled in complete comfort.

"No V, I'm just as mushy and as happy as I want to be right here, right now, with you. Spending as much time as I can while we still have it to spend in whatever ways we want. Happy birthday, V." Songbird murmured, closing her eyes.

Taking a minute, V calmed her screaming heart and said quietly: "It's, um, it's Valerie. My real name is Valerie."

"Then happy birthday Valerie - you deserve it." Songbird affirmed.

V hummed happily, sleepily planting an ever softer kiss on So Mi's hand, entwining their fingers and drifting off, her eyelids fluttering closed as the comforting embrace of Songbird enveloped her in her wings.

Maybe V didn't hate birthdays after all.

[pmpwbrrs]

I'm pretty much in love with your off string au could you ramble more abt it .,. I'd be extremely happy to read it

Im glad you like it and thank you for reminding me that I wrote this, and giving a reason to ramble <3!! Sadly i don't have anything to really add? But I'll say what i kept to myself i guess!

I keep remembering about one of the things ghostlycoze said.

—

—

I actually REALLY like this idea. I don't think ALL iterators are gonna have this problem, because not all iterators, i like to think, associate themselves with their puppet? And they are all different. But i love thinking about how some of them look up at the sky, and see endless heavy clouds produced by their still giant, powerful colleagues(family? friends?), while they are here, small, and so vulnerable. I like to think that that the longer they stare at the bottomless, grey sky, the more they can't tear the eyes away. How they feel their new heart beating faster now, and it makes them nauseated and more stuck in this moment – because this heart is beating like a mouse's. So fast, they can feel it, they can hear it, in their neck, in their chest. And it's foreign. The sky is foreign. The choking dampness of the air is foreign, the wet cold soil is foreign. THEY are foreign. Can they be even considered an iterator? How? They are not even the same person, how can they still call themselves an iterator?

What have they done to themselves?

I don't think some iterators even manage to handle this. I think some of them, with no way of returning to a previous live, take an easy way out. Or at least risk it – after all, they don't know what the Cycle thinks of not only iterators, but of an abomination like them.

For some of them this is not freedom. For some of them, freedom is impossible to obtain, even when they have risked it all and threw away everything that made them who they were.

Or maybe, for some of them, at some point – standing in the cold, wet soil, becomes a sort of relieve. Perhaps, for some of them, the damp air and the now rumbling, endless sky, become more welcome. Maybe it's better for them, than what they were before. Maybe they'll get used to this, even if it's so hard it makes their head heavy, and their breath quickened, and even when they are not what they were, and never will be. Maybe as they breath in, they'll be reminded that they are no longer stuck because they've been given no other choice, but they are stuck on their own accord. Maybe that makes them ecstatic. Or, yet again, scared, or regretful. Or guilty. It depends on an individual. But overall, it's hard for all of them. And not all of them can or wants to deal with this.

–––

I also remember I was thinking about «what if Pebbles is saved only in Saint's era?». But the more I thought about it, the more sad and existential I became, and I never got around to drawing anything, because the idea of slowly losing yourself and all your memories terrifies me.

I think, if Pebbles is saved in Saint's time, there is no way to bring him the way as he once was. It's just NO WAY, i can't believe it. His whole body had fucking giant TEARS in it, there wasn't a single place left of him, his neurons are now squashed by 574020 kms of rot, 30942 kms of metal and dead organic and his flesh, and 2933892 kms of snow, he's a home for fauna and flora now. He will never come back. MAYBE some neurons will help?? But i don't think they will, or that they should help as much as they helped Moon.

Pebbles cannot recover fully. Of course, care and patience and not being in his corpse will help, slowly, but still not a whole lot.

I wonder how Moon would feel about him. How everyone would feel. And mainly, how Pebbles would feel.

I already somewhat explored the idea of Pebbles losing his memories. It was an animatic about his life flashing before his eyes, but wrong and twisted, and he can't remember the names of the people he cared about, but he feels guilt and shame, and in the end he gets ascended (right now animatic is abandoned).

But... If he's off string....

Imagine how painful it is to look in the eyes of a person and know that you did something horrible to them, but you can't remember what it was, and you can barely even remember who this person is. All you know is that you love them, and that you have hurt them. How would their forgiveness feel? Would Pebbles feel weird relief? Confusion? Grief? Will it even help?

Will he feel anger and an inexplicable sting of pain when they look at him with pity? How would he feel if he saw people's hope when they think he might remember something, but he just can't?

I already said that "iterator off string is not even the same person", but in the case of Five Pebbles in Saint's time, I think it applies to him even more. He's not the same person even before he gets out.

How would he feel being so small and fragile, but being aware of it, now? How aware is he, really? Has he even agreed to go off string? Could he agree? How would HE feel about the stuff I said earlier? The sky, the snow under his feet, the freezing, biting wind?

I don't like making things all dark and gloomy and no hope FOREVER only SUFFERING though. I think there are ways to help Pebbles and to heal. For all of them, really. Sure, as I said, I like to think there's not much you can do to help FP, but there are ways. And in the end, even though he doesn't have his memories, and he's scared and confused, and he's weak and small, and he's in pain, and he feels cold – he's with people he loves, and who love him. I think it's beautiful. And I think it's an improvement on rotting away in the snow and listening to the same tune until the end of time. And now he gets warm much more often.

–––

That's pretty much it? I didn't think about off string that much. I GUESS there are also some fanfiction i wrote, but ehh + I'm shy about my writing + it's russian and needs translation + it doesn't focus the on a dread of being off-string and all that, so I'm not gonna show that.

A lot of people left really interesting thoughts in tags on this post with nsh though, so I recommend you to check them out, they are lovely <3

[joyfullyacat]

Unordinarily Foolish

haha, don't hurt me, not beta'd it's another hurt no comfort - but this time no one dies! woo!! inspired by @gniteruirui 's animatic here (except then it spiraled way from that and im a little sorry-)

CW: so much self loathing, general heartbreak, pining when your heart wars with your brain, no happy ending word count: 2.7k

-

You’ve hit rock bottom it felt like.

What respect did you have for yourself any more?

There’s been a pain, irate and grating on the nerves right in your sternum lately but it was better than feeling numb.

At least, you think it is.

You go years single without affection, you had your time to date and you took time away from the pool, you got your licks from it, you thought you learned all the lessons. 

Now look at you.

Unsteadily, your hands follow the curves and grooves of the toys you clean with wipes. Under here, around there, get into that crevice. Your thoughts travel and your eyes wander to the subject of those thoughts.

Sun is cackling with giggly kids hanging off every limb, clutching about his legs and wrapped about his arms. He’s carefree and radiant, in his element, there seems not to be a care in the world with him… And maybe that was what had you ensnared. You stare at the panel in the back of his neck that his jointed neck comes out of. A distinctly inhuman appearance to his otherwise human personality.

Just maybe, this is what kept you away. You were an ordinary fool with a silly heart but your brain was logical… Cruel but logical.

You were an ordinary fool with not so ordinary lessons to learn. Like how bad of an idea it is to be in love with something - someone incapable of feeling as you do with temperamental chemicals and functionalities that dictate every part of you from head to toe. Who won’t share the experiences of life with you like an ordinary couple.

What you had was not an ordinary love.

This was no ordinary circumstance.

When did you take his exuberant nature for something more than what it was? When did his crushing hugs of friendly greeting become something that stole your breath away - more than just physically. The nicknames too, the sunshines, dewdrops, and daydreams, every single one of them stuck into you and hid between your ribs, becoming new butterflies that’d flutter in your stomach haplessly against your will.

You have enough respect for him to not dump this onto him or his lunar counterpart, Moon. 

Oh yes, a counterpart. A double decker to your psyche, really.

To be in love with not one but two distinct personalities and individuals that weren’t even human. Who likely could not grasp the concept of love, it wasn’t something to be easily defined like happiness or sadness, it was muddled by every emotion and bolstered by them similarly.

This wasn’t including the fact that you were fleeting in their very, potentially eternal, lives.

This also wasn’t including the fact that at any moment, they could be torn in twain and scrapped against your wants to make new animatronics, better ones, new personalities. They wouldn’t remember you - even if they kept the same face.

It already happened once, after Sun and Moon were split into their own bodies.

Most of their memories outside of the employee data bank were lost. You were pretty much another face in the crowd to them.

You were happy to befriend them again - at the time that’s what they were. Friends.

Because denial is not just a river in Egypt and you were hopelessly flowing down it back then, oh it’s just a crush. Merely infatuation! They were new, exciting, interesting and human enough, but you know now.

No, you were utterly endeared and helpless to how your heart speeds up around them.

Well over a year later.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Moon approaching, slinking in the designated shadowy corners you created with well placed large plushies and decorative hangings.

The animatronic lifts a finger, pointing to what you’re doing unknowingly. “I think that toy is clean enough…” He speaks in his typical low grumble, a permanent growl to his voice that rattles in his chest. Something that comforted you in your lowest moments when he’d hug you on days of stress.

His words bring you back to the moment, looking from him then over to the poor anthropomorphic turtle figurine with colored bandana in your hand.

You had stripped some of the color from it. Faded smears of green staining the little white rag.

“Ah, yeah. It is…” You cough, setting the toy in with the others and picking up a sort of tubby looking unicorn toy with cheap white hair and a set of sparkles on its hind quarter.

“You’ve been spacy lately.”

Ah, he was always the more confrontational of the two. A trait you admired and feared. You thought you were confrontational once upon a time, then you met him. Then you learned how ham-fisted your emotions could be to you. Making you clam up entirely.

Both were observant, eventually a comment would be made on your actions lately, your behaviors. Whatever vitals they’ve been able to read from you.

Sun was far more subtle, much more rounded. Acting sort of as a bumper to your feelings with careful gestures and honeyed words that served to entrap you further, much to his unknowing warmth. Leaving you little sticky notes of well wishes that you’d save and so on.

You felt… Dirty, really. Dirty about it all. Guilty may be more apt. Taking their gifts of friendliness for your own selfish needs. To fuel fantasies of your own design.

A low timbre breaks you from your thoughts, “Starbright?”

Right. He’s still there.

Moon brought himself closer, even in that moment of thought. Just an arm’s length away, well for him anyway. You’d have to lean forward.

“Things have been… Going on is all, Moon. Sorry about that, I’ll pay for a replacement toy.” The funny turtle guys are usually stocked in toy aisles, it’d be easy to pick one up the next time you’re going out for the easiest and cheapest premade meals because you haven’t been able to bring yourself to cook properly otherwise lately.

He doesn’t look convinced, looking past you to something just over your head, probably over to Sun if you had any guess. The two had a way of communicating without necessarily having to be in speaking range of one another.

Likely some technological link.

You watch as he nods once... Twice... Three times before suddenly decisions are made.

“...Come on, you’re taking your break early.” Is all he says before you’re swept up with an arm around your shoulders, promptly escorted to a doorway tucked behind one of the play structures with quite the tall baby gate that keeps wandering tikes from going into it.

Also known as the way to their personal room that wasn’t through that funny hook system that made them “float” to the balcony.

You squirm and writhe against his hold, trying to dig your heels into the carpeted area with all your might but he practically picks you up in your struggles. “Ho-Hold on now, I didn’t agree to this-!”

“Don’t care…” He draws out in a mocking sing-song. “Attendant’s orders, we care for children, this includes adults who act like children.”

Was this how you lost what shred of dignity you had left? Cornered to fess up by your coworker and crush? Could you dumb it down, play it off as if it were nothing? Make up a story about something in your personal life going on?

…Better question, did you want to?

You wouldn’t get a better opportunity than this, even if you wanted to do it with both of them present at the same time. No having to repeat yourself and becoming mortified twice over if there is only one band-aid to rip off, after all.

Though that question was answered for you with the reveal of Sun awaiting you up the stairs, hands on his hips and leaning forward, primed up and ready to chastise you for your mistreatment of yourself.

Quickly, you try to find a way out of this impromptu grilling on your being, “I know you did not leave the kids unsupervised.” You point out stiffly, gesturing to the balcony that the solar-themed animatronic likely scaled.

“You are correct, I set up their nap hour! We are both capable of it… Remember I was doing it alone for a time!” He’s chirpy in his jest but distinctly, you feel that smile he can’t necessarily help is more sarcastic in this moment.

“So that leaves you alone with us - ideally uninterrupted with plenty of time to figure out what is wrong with you.” Moon elaborates simply, resting his arms over your head and leaning his weight into you comfortably.

A common way he liked to make fun of his height over you. 

“Mhm! So tell us, sweet sunshine, what’s been eating at you?” Sun holds his hands out to you in invitation, flexing his fingers once.

You don’t hesitate to take his hands into your own two, staring right into his daylight-bright eyes that’d somehow shine more when he was excited you noticed. You hoped they’d stay like that. You don’t ever want to see that light dimmed.

With a deep breath, you decide to take the leap.

“...What would your guy’s responses be if I said I liked you?”

The way Moon goes tense, able to tell even with the rigid, barely padded metal resting against you, has you worried.

Sun twitches in your hold, almost as if wanting to pull away, “Well… It depends in what way you mean by that!”

The animatronic above you doesn’t reply.

Well, here goes nothing for you. Maybe you can ask to be transferred to a different area. Does Bonnie Bowl need any sort of supervision? Children are in every corner of this place, surely someone good with kids would be good in just about any place…

How hard do you play this up… Pouring your heart out would dramatically be for the best you figure.

A little tap to your temple makes you jolt and you can only wish to be able to look up and glare at the attendant who radiates smugness over your head.

“I want to experience life with you in the long run. I want to feel your hands in my hair and I want to be able to care for you similarly, maybe I’d pick up sewing or something to make sure your things fit, I don’t know. I wish to teach you what lies beyond these walls I want you - both… You and…” You point to Moon above you. “I don’t think I could ever choose and risk separation or division. I know there are differences and I'm sorry to dump this all out, it's unwanted and complicating and-” At some point, you start to cry, your frantic blinking had only kept the tears at bay for so long and you couldn’t bow your head to hide the waterworks.

So you stared at Sun who looked to you with, you think, eyes that weren’t remotely as bright as they once were. You caused that.

The seeming pity you felt from them, the awkward, stoney silence.

Your love for them was theirs to keep, your heart would never be your own you think, not for some time. They could do as they wished with it, it was the only blessing you could give them. For them to know they were loved in that way, even if for them, it does nothing.

“...I’m sorry.” You apologize once more after a few moments of the deafening quiet that you couldn’t bear any longer. “I didn’t want to say anything, I was trying to keep it under wraps hoping it’d go away but it didn’t even when I took that - stupid long break using up all my vacation and sick days in one go-”

“Wait, that was why you left for a month?” Moon speaks up, interrupting you swiftly and flicking your temple soon after. “You’re unbelievable. See Sun, this is what I mean. They’re a big child.” 

He’s so huffy about it you can see the silent tapping of his slippered foot against the ground… Actually no, you hear it now. The little bell jingles and his pants sound with the movement.

“Mmm, yes. Yes they are.” Sun confirms with a nod.

You huff out something that you think was supposed to be laughter, “You two are not making me feel any better about this.”

“Because you’ve chewed yourself out thoroughly I think! We had to get you smiling somehow.” Sun releases one of your hands to poke at your nose. “I say we did good.”

Your now free hand automatically went to rubbing at your eyes to forcefully clear the remaining wetness away, using your knuckles and making your vision scramble momentarily. 

“This… Doesn’t give me your answer though.” “Because I’m afraid we don’t have one, Starlet. You’ve dreams and ambitions - but we don’t share them… Especially when it sounds like this like is more of a love, isn’t it?”

Moon has you pinned and you can only let your shoulders lower slowly, forcing down that sticky feeling in your throat, the ball that wants to come out in a sob. 

They didn’t need to be so gentle about it. You wanted them to… Mock you. Do something that’d make you view them at least - something less than pleasant?

Something less than the sweet as peach nature of Sun and the toying black cat nature that Moon possessed, endearing even if sometimes you wanted to take him by the waist and shake him from side to side.

“...I’m sorry.” Is all you say, again.

You’re not sure what this means for you and your friendship with them. Do they view you as silly? Hopeless? A daydreamer with too lofty ideas? Potentially, too idealistic? Romanticizing what wasn’t there? 

“There is no need for an apology, really…” Sun soothes, hushing you when you went to apologize a third time with a press of his finger to your upper lip. “I think you knew our answer to begin with, somewhere in you, didn’t you?”

You did. The one your brain would tell you whenever your thoughts went down the rabbit hole of what-ifs and possibilities. 

After all, they were made with a purpose in mind. Artificial in design, they had their directive, and you were not part of it. They were in love with their duty, their charges, adoring the children they take care of and see grow with each visit. They were caretakers first and individuals second.

You want to find an end to this conversation, a solid conclusion, something of change, meaningful and positive and before you can broach the topic of how this should go on, the sound of a child crying echoes through the dying conversation, silencing it fully.

A part of you laughs deep down at the comical way the two attendants shoot-up like dogs catching the movement of a squirrel. Another part of you cries and laments at their presence leaving yours, the bubble thoroughly popped as arms drop from your head.

Not a moment of goodbye, not a note of continuing this later. They go over to the balcony.

“Oh ho ho! It seems we are up and shining already! Rise and shine from the clouds, who’s ready for snacks?! I say we have little apple bunnies!” Sun cries out with all his joyousness coming out in full force as he launches himself over the railing with a dive.

Moon only spares you a glance, giving you a simple two-finger salute with minimal words before his departure. “Go home.”

The moment he’s over that rail is the moment you feel the urge to keel over and curl up. You feel you screwed that over spectacularly.

This was never so painful, this was never such an agony. Never did feeling love make you feel like such a wretch of an individual. Like an utter bother.

But you go home as instructed. A quick text sent to your coworkers and a brief, phony explanation to the security guard stationed at the front how you sicked up in the bathrooms and wasn’t sure if it was contagious, and you’re out of there.

The rest of the day that’d serve as your shift, you spend staring blankly into nothingness while going about chores you neglected previously due to your shifts and emotional turmoil that left you unwilling to move once you got home.

Anything for normalcy.

Anything to not feel useless. 

Even got to cleaning your bedroom, sorting your messes and putting things where they belonged - briefly you feel accomplished.

You go into your prettily made bed at an hour that’d surely give you a sneer and a direct order to nap by Moon. The sun is kissing the horizon and the inky blackness of the sky, making way for heartwarming pinks that bleed to oranges and purples.

All you feel is cold however.

A meager handful of hours later and you wake up just a bit before your alarm is supposed to go off, to your phone chiming with a text.

…A text.

From your manager.

No email, nothing professional, no official slip of paper.

Hey, sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well, I hope it was just something bad you ate and not an actual issue since you don’t have sick days but, hey, you’ve been moved stations. Effective immediately and all that.

The arcade with DJ Music Man is pretty cool, you’ll do just fine there, you may have to learn some basic engineering and wire tampering though.

Your throat hurts from the wail that falls from you. Miserable and broken.

Desperately, your brain tugs at you. It tugs at your heart. That these tears aren’t needed, you’ve cried, this was for the best. You could heal from this, it wasn’t a break up. You still have your job, there are brightsides to this, that change was good.

All your heart could pound about was that you weren’t wanted anymore.

Unloveable. 

Foolish.

[thx-sunsxts-addrxss]

Hi Aelia! I saw your post saying I could write stupid things in your askbox whenever so.... Stupid thing coming right up! You, um, might wanna buckle up for this....

The first tree in the forest (written by Bea)

There was once a single tree on a big, baron field. The tree sat by itself, and growing tall and strong. Even though it was comfortable, it was also lonely, sitting by itself with no company. 

One day, a baby bird flew by, in need of rest. The tree offered it's branches to the little bird, giving it shelter and comfort. After it had rested, the bird flew away, dropping a trail of seeds in its path. The tree was less lonely.

Slowly, over time, the seeds grew into trees and bushes and shrubs of their own. The tree happily took care of each plant, making sure they all had exactly what they needed. The tree watched them grow strong and beautiful just like they did. The tree was less lonely.

Then the bird came back, all grown up with it's own friends. Slowly but surely, animals and plants came and surrounded the tree. A forest grew around the tree giving it friendship and a family. The tree was no longer lonely.

The tree spent many years happy with it's family, and became a friend and protector to all. They were loved and cared and they cared and loved for others.

After 100 years of joy, the tree let out 1 last happy breath, before passing away. Of course, the entire forest missed them dearly, but they were not forgotten. They would live on for many more hundred years, in the memories and stories of those who knew them. And even when they were gone, they were still not lonely. They would never be lonely again.

So if, by some chance, you come across this forest, be careful to listen to the wind and see if it tells the same story I've told you. And then the tree will have one more friend, one more person to remember them, one more person to lovingly watch over, one more person to make them less lonely. And maybe, just maybe....

You'll be less lonely too

Please don't hate me for this, I'm sorry

I FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS THIS WAS IN MY DRAFTS IM SO SORRY 😭😭🙏

I am speechless

I am

EVERYONE READ THIS DO NOT SCROLL IF YOU DONR WANT TO GET MURDERED BY ME BASK IN BEAS AWESOMENESS THIS SECOND BITCHES

[aftgficrec]

Hey! I love your page and getting fic recs! Do you have any fics where Neil goes or agrees to go to therapy? I’m good with Bee or someone else as the therapist too. It can be canon or an au. Thanks so much! :))

I was pleasantly surprised by how much we found for you! -A

previous recs:

‘another life to live’ here

‘Oakland’ here (completed)

‘you’ve been locked in here forever (and you just can’t say goodbye)’ here (updated)

‘If it means protecting you (I’ll pay my dues)’ here (updated)

‘Interlaced’ here (updated)

‘Regrowth,’ ‘To Be Close With You Is To Be Close With Myself,’ ‘I took a breath and took the knife,’ and ‘flashes of intimacy’ ch 4 here

‘call me in the afternoon’ here

‘The Wild Fox Den’ and ‘Roses Grow Between Bone’ here

‘(My Heart) Pierced By a Pin’ here (completed)

‘The Sun Still Rises’ here (updated)

‘day by day’ here

‘the shuffling of cards’ here

‘Ain’t it fun’ here

‘Breathe, idiot’ here

‘Healing’ series part 1 here, part 3 here (completed)

‘The Fear of Being Known’ here

‘That one party’ series and ‘keep telling me that it gets better (does it ever?)’ here

‘Affection can be shown in so many ways’ here

‘Ghost of You’ here 

‘Make This Leap (Geronimo)’ here

‘Tenuous’ here

‘There is Nothing You Can Say’ here (completed)

‘of ice blue eyes & twisted veins’ here

‘don't break the glass’ (completed) here

‘Bad Apple’ here 

‘Phantom Pains’ here

‘Therapy’ here

‘Birds of a Feather’ here (updated)

‘In which Neil had Aspergers and Andrew finds out.’ here 

‘For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry’ here (updated)

‘I Wanna Get Better’ here 

‘on the tip of my tongue (say something)’ parts 6 & 8 here

and more:

‘Ember’ here (completed)

‘leave the room (with a little dignity)’ here

‘Art Hoe’ here

‘Blame It On My Youth’ here (updated)

‘Black as is the Raven, He’ll Get a Partner’ (here)

‘Our body’ series, part 1 here, part 3 here, part 5 here

‘and all the roads will disappear’ here

‘crossed out’ here

‘Double Trouble’ series here

‘i had a dream (where you couldn't hear me screaming)’ and ‘hold me close, in fact bury me’ here 

‘Just closed eyes with nothing behind’ here

‘doubt thou the stars be fire’ here

‘SCAR TISSUE’ here

‘Lighter Fluid’ here

you may also like:

‘The Sound’ here

historians by cielalune [Rated M, 21508 Words, Complete, 2023]

He remembers when she didn’t smell of ash, but perfume. The times they’d play the radio to fill the quiet of the car, and she’d hum along. How she never missed a single exy practice, and cheered for him each time. She wasn’t all too different from Cass in the end. Just because she was dead didn’t mean she was buried. Five times Neil tries to come to closure about the person Mary Hatford was, and the one time he accepts who she came to be.

tw: heavily referenced child abuse, tw: heavily referenced rape/noncon, tw: heavily referenced csa, tw: heavily referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: sleep paralysis, tw: depressive episode, tw: flashbacks with blood & gore, tw: panic attacks, tw: dissociation, tw: victim blaming

Mommy Dearest by chronically_peach [Rated G, 915 Words, Complete, 2022]

Neil doesn’t talk about his mother much but Andrew knows it’s a touchy subject for the redhead. After a session with Betsy Neil admits he’s been thinking about his mother and allows Andrew a glimpse into who Mary Hatford really was.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Pain of a Forgotten Face series by Rose_vine [Collection, 2 complete works, Updated 2021]

Part 1: Pain of a Forgotten Face [M, 3086 Words] Neil Josten is awoken by a face in his nightmares from twelve years ago, a face he barely remembers. When he tries to brush it off and go to practice, he realizes too late that some memories refuse to let themselves be forgotten.

tw: ptsd, tw: panic attacks, tw: nightmares, tw: hallucinations, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: blood/gore

Part 2: A Hand to Hold Me Back From The Cliff [Not Rated, 2132 Words] After Neil collapses on the court from a flashback from when he was younger, Andrew convinces him to go to therapy. This is his first session with Bee, and it is only Andrew at his side that gives him the strength to walk through the door.

tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

After the Beep by kanekei [Rated T, 1030 Words, Incomplete, Updated Sept 2023]

Neil works through his relationship with his dead mother by leaving her voice messages that she'll never hear. It’s healthy, Bee says. He can’t help but think having the Minyards as patients has skewed her perception of what that word means. The number you have reached is not available. Please leave your message after the beep.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced violence

The Foxes by akaashisramen [Not Rated, 3386 Words, Incomplete, Updated July 2023]

Trans Neil is on the run from his father and goes to his uncles house. His uncle promises him protection and allows him to play Exy as long as he goes to group therapy to process his mothers death.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: graphic nightmares, tw: implied/referenced torture

someday, we'll grow by nopunintended [Rated G, 2078 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew and Neil see Betsy for a couple's therapy session per Andrew's request.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Couples Therapy by P0tatonoah [Rated T, 2014 Words, Complete 2020]

I got a lot of comments (like 3 or 4) on my breakup fic asking for a part 2 where Neil and Andrew patch things up and live happily ever after… This is not it. But you can read it as an alternative ending if you want. 

tw: implied/referenced nonconsensual touch, tw: implied/referenced violence

NB: find P0tatonoah’s andreil break up fic ‘Home...?’ here

They sicken of the calm, they who know the storm by EdgySpaghetti [Not Rated, 3162 Words, Complete, 2023]

After storm there always comes the sun. People born into the storm, who growing up sees only black clouds and lightnings striking everywhere, just learn how to live with it, how to protect themselves from cold, wind and rain. They recognize the pattern, know that lightning will struck sooner or later and are prepared for it. What are those people to do when there is no more dark clouds? They don't know how to live in this environment, how to dress to not get too hot and how to prevent potential sunburnt. They never had to do that before. They're still expecting the lightnings.

tw: ptsd, tw: anxiety, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: anger issues

Can I finally stop running now? by gracefromspace [Rated T, 12110 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil is intrigued by a blonde baker with piercings, two therapy cats and strong arms.

tw: heavily referenced torture, tw: flashbacks with blood/gore, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: anxiety, tw: negative self image

can't blame it on my youth by PoolToast22 [Rated G, 2650 Words, Complete, 2022]

The one where Neil Josten is Fine TM. But he's also in therapy. And today Bee decided to ask him that question.

hold on to happiness by minyarday [Rated T, 551 Words, Complete, 2020]

"self esteem had never been something Neil cared about. when you are a runaway that don't even have a place to call home, you learn to prioritize certain things and forget others" only that now he has the time to think about it

I'll Come Back To You by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, 6900 Words, Complete, 2022]

Some of the things he’s learned today feel like stories about someone else: Neil switched to playing striker at a tiny high school in Arizona. Aaron lives in Chicago with his wife. Andrew’s cousin calls Neil every Tuesday, because Andrew is too stubborn to pick up the phone himself. But other things are clear truths, even if they’re more abstract: Neil’s mother died. Andrew is safe. Neil was supposed to stay, but part of him is gone. - - - - It's about dreams, reality, trust, patience, and determination. It's about making promises and keeping them. You'll figure out the rest.

tw: car accidents, tw: major character injury, tw: implied/referenced violence

I will help you swim by unojonex [Rated E, 11699 Words, Incomplete, Updated Oct 2022]

He’s slowed down, stayed in one place for more than a few months and it's all caught up with him. In his sleep, ghosts of his past haunt him. And they have no mercy. Dreams and imagination swirl together in a confusing mix of nightmares that don't go away, even when he's awake. -- basically Neil and Andrew getting together while also dealing with a lot of trauma

tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/refererenced torture, tw: heavily referenced child abuse, tw: suicide ideation, tw: graphic nightmares with blood/gore, tw: dissociation, tw: hallucinations, tw: panic attacks

But Touch My Tears with Your Lips by transjorts [Rated M, 4070 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2022]

Andrew is sitting across from him, expression neutral, fork in hand. He’d dragged the tinnes across the plate—purposefully, if Neil had to guess. Andrew has already cut the burrito up into tiny pieces and spears one morsel on the fork, lifting it to his mouth. “Hi,” Neil says. Andrew chews, very deliberately. “Do you feel better?” Neil frowns. “What?” Andrew eats another bite. “Did all that running make you feel better?” Neil sighs and glances down, noticing that his water has been refilled. He takes a sip. “No.”

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced sexual assault, tw: nightmares, tw: dissociation

let's just sit awhile by artiest [Rated M, 17291 Words, Complete. 2022, Locked]

Neil and Andrew don't have to keep fighting for their survival. They can settle now. It's hard, but they're trying. OR: During Neil's second year in Palmetto State, him and Andrew learn to take care of each other.

tw: severe mental health issues, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced torture,  tw: nightmares with blood/gore, tw: flashbacks,  tw: dissociation, tw: violence, tw: homophobia, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: vomit, tw: alcohol abuse/alcholism

I could never give you peace by freshtaylorswiftduck [Rated T, 3407 Words, Complete. 2022]

Neil has both bad and good days. Today is a bad day.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: panic attacks

10 tips to stress less, without the tips by lumos_max [Rated T, 5404 Words, Complete, AFTG Exchange Fall 2020]

A lonely Neil lets his therapist bully him into checking out the clinic's support group without too much fuss, but little did he know he wouldn't be checking out the group that day, instead meeting a dramatic hunk of a man who drives a fancy car and forgets to wipe the cream off the corner of his lip. It's only fair that Neil tries to do it for him, right?

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

“God, I have my father’s eyes.” by perks_of_being_a_writer [Rated T, 673 Words, Complete, 2022]

This is based on Family Line by Conan Gray. In this short story, Neil is at a therapy appointment where he and Betsy dive into his parental issues. This covers Neil’s abuse from both parents (because, yes, Mary was abusive and a bad mother). This is Neil learning that it's not his fault his parents hurt him and accepting that he is loved.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

"There's blood on my/your hands." by markonasurface (idwir) [Rated T, 4667 Words, Complete, 2018]

The year after his 19th birthday, the other team decides to recreate the bloody locker scene complete with a ‘Happy Birthday, Jr.’ Instead of stuffing everything down, Neil has a complete freak out and sinks into a depression.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: blood, tw: panic attacks, tw: ptsd, tw: major depressive episode, tw: homophobia, tw: disordered eating, tw: vomit

Nothing is Safe series by hismiley16 [Rated T/M/E, Collection, 7 complete works, Updated July 2023]

Parts 3 and 7 recced here

Part 4: Written On His Skin [Not Rated, 11344 Words] The Foxes face the Ravens for the first time since Riko's death and things go as well as expected. Andrew is mildly injured on the court and isn't there to protect Neil when the new Evermore captain comes for him after the game. The team sees more than Neil ever wanted them to, including the ghost of Nathaniel he thought he'd buried in Baltimore.

tw: vomit, tw: bullying, tw: nonconsensual touch/assault  tw: dissociation, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: blood, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced animal death, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

The Josten Anxiety Method by orphan_account [Rated M, 1721 Words, Complete, 2022]

Neil talks to Bee about his anxiety.

tw: anxiety, tw: hallucinations, tw: dissociation, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Looking in the Mirror Never Felt so Good by Trimorphia [Rated T, 8693 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil Josten's journey to becoming a real person.

tw: nightmares, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Achilles Come Down by infernalstars [Rated M, 5017 Words, Complete, 2020]

Neil Josten was a liar before he was anything else. In the nest, sometimes his choices were between lying and dying. He’d had a decent amount of self preservation that he’d chosen the former. But now, being free, the world felt so heavy. He wished he’d chosen dying.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: graphic suicide attempt, tw: self harm, tw: blood, tw: eating disorders focus, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: vomit, tw: depression 

prompt: Neil x therapy bullet fic by @sadboyayeron [Tumblr, 2020]

[hikennosabo]

trimax vol 14 random thoughts (ch 5-8)

okay enough stalling... let's get this done... HOO BOY

chapter 5:

i love how vash is drawn in these panels... and vash waking up from hearing meryl's words... WAAHHHHH...

GET UP COWARD (<- lyric from my chemical romance's 2022 single 'the foundations of decay' which i may or may not be considering for a vash playlist)

oh, i LOVE this image of knives covering his face...

hmhmhm... the way knives addresses the other plants is... gentle, almost?

"sorrow and grief," huh... over the humans trying to communicate with them? those are the kinds of emotions this scenario is bringing out? there is something there but... i don't quite know what it is...

uwahhh... i do love this image...

"we were united in hatred" -> "i feel a murmur of fear"... hmmm. sounds like knives himself, who buried his fear underneath hatred... am i connecting any dots???

but fear in communicating with humans... fear because communication is scary in general? fear because of the abuse humans have put plants through? fear of uncertainty of what this communication will result in?

the tiniest merylmilly u can imagine...

they ask if it's safe, but it's not like vash cares if it's safe, he's been prepared to die for several volumes now, so... he's probably thinking "if i die i die," lol. (<- in pain)

this is a cute expression...

"don't touch me," he says...

knives trying to incorporate himself with the fused plants - now it's HIS turn to go "if i die i die" i guess LJSDKLFDS... both him and vash risking it all for their ideals. they really are brothers...

vash's "grant me that ticket"... it doesn't directly address god, but it feels like a prayer nonetheless.

chapter 6:

wah... meryl's strength gives vash strength... wahhh... is this the first time they've... well, "talked about it" isn't the right phrase, but is this the first time vash understands what meryl was going through that time when she flinched away from him?

"what matters is that you communicate. that you understand the person next to you is breathing and existing." ugh, fuck, i can feel myself getting weepy again.

the people getting good AND bad memories from the plants.. good! good! they said a few volumes ago that most(?) of the population has gathered in this city, so this really is everyone?! individual normal people couldn't do much about plant abuse, but now that EVERYONE understands, things can change! they can acknowledge what's happened, and they can change, and move forward!!

and vash being the bridge, the point of commonality between humans and plants... uaaghgh it's so interesting because for a long time vash's reputation among the humans was one of destruction. but in this moment everyone understands who he really is and what he wants. ueueeueueue....

also. this pattern of receiving traumatic memories via feathers, and to come out the other side not with fear and hatred but with increased compassion and understanding... sounds like what happened between vash and meryl, doesn't it?

"i've never made a promise like this before, but today i'd like to try" UAAGHGHHG.G U AHGHGHGHG.

haha. hey. why does it look like he's been crying. i'm going to throw up.

i don't know if the rest of this post will be comprehensible.

chapter 7:

what do i even say here.

hey remember the chapter title "king of loneliness." i'm gonna go eat rocks now.

even now, he's stubbornly clinging to his ideals, thinking he's in too deep, that he's gone too far to turn back...

oh, this is getting to me, the way it's worded. "caught up in something too big" and the panel of them as kids. they were just kids when this all started. this was too big for them. knives was a kid, a traumatized, scared kid who made a very bad, very destructive decision, and he has lived his life up until this point digging his heels in, growing more and more twisted, more controlling and violent, trying to justify his own actions to himself because how do you carry something like that.

"kill me, vash, there's nowhere else for me to go." literally two chapters ago vash said "where am i going? what's there left to see?" i'm fucking eating rocks.

"even though we were apart for so long, we were still brothers. but i was the one who broke away..." knives looks so pained when he thinks this. now, after all this, he's finally feeling regret, or letting himself feel regret. in the last possible moment.

...or so he thinks. vash has a clear shot, the opportunity to kill knives, and knives wants vash to kill him, he expects it - but vash protects him instead. with his last bullet. despite knives's blade going through his torso. despite everything. despite EVERYTHING!!!!! vash has EVERY REASON to hate knives, to KILL knives, and he STILL chooses not to!!!! i'm not okay i'm crying again

in 98, rem tells vash "take care of knives"... this is pretty much the same thing... i don't want to say this is necessarily another thing nightow took from 98 because of course this is what she said, what else would she have said at that time?

the beginning of the chapter had vash struggling to remember what rem said, but the preceding pages imply it's knives remembering her words... or maybe they both are...

this is fucking getting to me, fuck, i'm crying again!!! fuck!!!!

also, oh, chronica IS still alive... honestly i was (and still am) so caught up in the twins that that information just immediately left my brain the first time around LMAO...

i am so. fucking. unwell. about knives's expressions in this scene. he's feeling so many things at once. i just... the fact that vash protects knives and picks him up to haul him away... he ISN'T leaving knives on his own, even in the end, even after everything that's happened... and knives is just. what IS he feeling? shock, disbelief, regret... love, can i say love?? love for his brother?? the love between them that never went away, despite everything?? i am gonna fucking throw up

i don't know where to put this in the post because it occurred to me while i was proofreading, but knives stabbed vash, felt shock and regret, and then acted to save him... which sounds awfully similar to what happened between rem and vash, huh?

this, with knives's hair turning black... new hair, new outlook, right?

will you drive me back, can you take me home... (<- lyrics from gerard way's 'brother' from his 2014 solo album 'hesitant alien')

oh, the fact that they sprouted wings like this in the stampede s1 finale is gonna make it hit SOOOO MUCH HARDER once THIS scene gets adapted. this is such a beautiful spread, a beautiful moment... i'm gonna cry again...

LIVIO!!!! TO THE RESCUE!!!! also... that's not a double fang, whose gun is that?

WOLFWOOD!!!!! WWWAHHHHGHGHGHH!!!!! the "turn around and he's gone" scene is SUCH a cliche but FUCK!!!!!! IT'S GETTING TO ME!!!!!!

chapter 8:

i feel so normal i feel so normal (affirmations) (lying)

i can't. i can't type. i'm crying too much. this is love. it's just love.

his last act, knowing that it will kill him, is an act of love. love for his brother. so vash can eat. so the doctor and his kid can eat. and as time goes on it'll grow bigger and be able to feed more people. food as a love language. i'm crying and sobbing.

knives understands he has no place in this world, especially after everything he's done, and the world needs vash more than him... that vash can't live in the world as long as they're together... he doesn't even tell vash himself that he intended to disappear... it's his choice, he walks his path with pride... but i'd like to believe they were able to spend some time together before this. just being brothers. TALKING. eating together. sleeping next to each other. hugging?? apologizing?? knives finally being a good brother after so long and taking care of vash?? making up for lost time. i'd like to imagine it. let me imagine it.

i've been thinking this for a while but i actually do think that vash would forgive knives if knives expressed regret and asked for forgiveness. because vash is jesus and all, and that's how sin and forgiveness work in christianity, if you believe and repent you will be forgiven, etc... i don't know if vash would forgive knives right away - he is very, very human after all - but i definitely think he could. and maybe he did. maybe they had that talk.

phew. okay, i'm finished crying now, and BOY was it a big cry. not any easier the second time around. anyway.

does he really need a wig? if he doesn't spike up his hair, that would be effective by itself, since it's one of his identifiers according to the earth forces...

DOES THIS CONFIRM THAT VASH CAN'T GROW A BEARD WITHOUT EFFORT? like since his plant powers are completely drained he can no longer grow a beard???

AHHHH... VASH'S BIG SMILE!!!!! and everyone's wearing their old clothes, and with a bunch of guys comically chasing vash around, yeah, this is really all for callback's sake... we've come so far, and full circle.

meryl's lecture to him is so typically meryl LOL... he DID NOT keep his promise LMAO

the fucking jojo sound effects are cracking me up HDSFKSFJDFS

also everyone who complained about stampede """changing""" meryl into a reporter owes me $100 right fucking now. that was a complaint i saw SO MUCH. i thought it was a bit strange myself, but i figured orange had a reason, and now i know. those complainers know NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!!!!

meryl frantically reading from her script and milly's big smile... cute... also WHAT DO YOU MEAN WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS LMAO?? are they planning on stripping him?? vash the stampede nip slip???

AAHHHHH LIVIO GREW HIS HAIR OUT AGAIN!!!!! and he's at wolfwood's grave... oh fuck i said i was done crying GODDAMMIT!!!!

okay. okay i'm done for real now. man. man. what do i say. what can i say.

"the same song of humanity still sang." and what a beautiful song it is.

i don't really know how to conclude this post... just. wow. what a journey this was. i don't think i've ever cried this much over a manga, lol... i... had a really good time!

[jhrutvija]

People often ask me what it's like being me. They think I have some sort of superpowers and maybe I do but the weight of responsibility that comes with it is so heavy it weighs me down to the point I can feel my neck crushing. I will let u in on my secret I forget things little things ,sad things, happy things, major shit trauma things, I don't know its a curse or a blessing some say it's blessing because even after going through the most gut wrenching ,heart numbing situations I don't remember them at all ,just little bits and parts of it but I like to think it's curse because I want to remember exaxtly how I felt over who made me feel that way ,I want to keep record of every emotion I go through because trust me when u feel the most powerful sensation of lost and hurt its a punch in the gut when u only remember the feeling of hurt not the words that were responsible. So curse it is and this curse has been with me since I was child every time I felt inadequate or stupid or if some kid bullied me and I cried for hours I only remember how I felt in that moment not what the kid said or what his words were which made me cry or who made me feel inadequate or stupid. I don't remember those words only the sensations I'd gone through when it happened and then people assume I wasn't hurt with their words and when they ask which one the things they said did the hurting that is when I can't name them because I lost the memory or don't have any recollection of those exact specific words which hurt me so much I wanted to self harm for forgetting it.

Everyday is a struggle People think I am lazy for not doing my daily chores or if I forget tiny little details which a normal person wouldn't, now tell me how do I explain to u that it's all up in my brain chemistry that of I get signals over there to remember I'll remember every shit u tell me but if I get signals over to skip some details then I won't, it's not in my hand ,if it was I would live a  normal  life like every single one of u where there isn't a constant voice in my head  telling me how it's the world that hates me and I should just die and free the world of my stupidity 

So you people need to know it's something beyond my capacity to explain how it's like being me in short terms you'd die or kill yourself if you were me for just an hour but here I am still very much alive and very much breathing but barely but everything I am doing is happening on its own and I am trying to cope up with it but then if one day my brain shuts off and it decides it's all too much for me to handle and I give up ,don't come over my grave and whisper how it all happened when there were signs right in front of you but you just ignored them because I was too much to handle or it was a waste of time and energy trying ti explain every shit to me or how it's hard to constantly reassure how me being different is something you'd change rather than accept and love me for me the way I was born, don't go up to my parents on my funeral  asking what was the reason, when those reasons were screaming at you asking for help and you just neglected them right in front of my face,  don't go over to my brother asking if there is something you can do because you didn't do shit when it was needed the most, you were just too busy in your own stuff that u looked over my misery and probably laughed behind my back don't go over my grave where  my lifeless body lies and say I wish you were still here ,when in reality I was right there with you trying to understand your troubles,  helping you and so much in love with you that you ignored that I was struggling too I wanted  to give up too but you were so engrossed in your own self that u didn't even care to ask me that if I needed some help because I did I needed so much help but I was too ashamed to ask too guilty because I loved u so much and didn't feel like adding more of my dumb shit over the real ones of yours but guess whose was the real and deep one that it made u attend my funeral not over after living a long happy life like you'd promised me once but in the young youthful time where people discover themselves whilst living their life at, that I took my life just because there wasn't anyone here to listen how loud it had gotten in my head that I'd gone deaf and still could hear it over and over , the only way I'd find some peace was in my grave where it was cold I'd always loved cold It's the  heat i hated and finally I'd had something I'd loved to accompany me in that box where I'll lie down in peace ,so I guess in the end it all turned out good, you got rid of the girl who loved you like it was breathing who was too much for you to handle .I'd finally get to sleep in a sumber with no noise screeching in my head instead feeling chill cold and peace…………………

                ~ hrutvija

                                                                                                                   ~hrutvija 

[scribeforchrist-blog]

I Am Not Carrying It He Is

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

=========================

+ Psalm 150:6: "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!"

=========================

VERSE OF THE DAY

========================

+ James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of it.

=========================

** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM NOT FEEDING MY FLESH

I AM WALKING IN THE SPIRIT

I AM HEARING HIS VOICE

I AM GUILTY BUT SET FREE IN GOD

 ********************************

THOUGHTS:

=======================

  Defilement: we dont hear this word or maybe see this world only in the Old Testament, but we don’t hear it in the New Testament a lot, and a lot of people dont know what is it mean , but defilement is this: "To defile oneself means to make oneself spiritually unclean or impure." so its when we make ourselves unclean, and its many ways to do this and the bible gives us verses of what makes us defile

 •Mark 7:21-23 For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile a person."

  •Galatians 5: 19-21 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

  So within this verse, we have the basis of what could cause someone to defile themselves or what they could do to do this, and what we noticed is that anything that's of the flesh can do this; it tells us in Mark that out of the heart of a man comes evil thoughts and anything evil anything that's in our mind that is not of God and not of light and love in a decent way is defilement.

  Some people would say it is hard not to be defiled when we are around people every day because being around people, you can have thoughts to harm and thoughts to hate, and this causes defilement. I heard one man say one time that if you are by yourself. There is no one around you all day; that is how you can keep from defiling yourself. Still, the bible says these things are in our hearts, so I don't know if this is true. I spend a lot of time alone; I am single and have no kids. I'm alone a lot, and even texting people can cause me to defile myself because I might get upset, or I might watch TV and something is on there; it's something I don't like that can causes me to be defiled.

   There are tons of things that can cause you or me to defile ourselves; even what we look at can cause us to defile ourselves because what happens is the enemy will present us with something, and it won’t affect us right now. Still, we'll bring it back to our attention later on in our weakest moment so that we can react, so what we must do when we have these moments of defilement is ask God immediately to forgive us and give us the grace to withstand anything and everything that the enemy wants to attack us with.

 Ephesians 5:11  Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

   The word tells us that we shouldn't take on the unfruitful works of darkness; we can't grow in darkness, and we can't grow when we are dabbling in the works of the flesh. We must remember that living in this world. We have a ton of moments where lust, anger, and rage can grip us and pull us in,  but we can’t allow those things to stay. We must have joy, peace, forbearance, and be kind, and be good and, faithful to God, gentle to others who need it, and have self-control over our life; a lot of us avoid anything that could lead to fleshly deeds and some of us allow ourselves to lose control and not look at what God wants us to do which is bare fruit and be in the light.

  When we defile ourselves, we aren't walking in the light. We are thinking about ourselves, and the bible tells us that the heart is deceitful above all things And desperately wicked. Who can know it? Only the Lord knows our heart, which we have needs repair and healing, but we must be willing to put in the work and stay away from things we know will trigger us to sin.

 ***Today, we learned about defilement, what we can do to avoid it, and what causes it; as we grow and Christ, we will learn more about what doesn't feel right within our spirit and what, most importantly, what God honestly doesn't like. To keep from defilement, we must first not allow it around us or let it into our eyegates; every day, we must choose not to live in the realm of the flesh but in the realm of the spirit. The word of God states that when we walk in the spirit, we won't gratify the things of the flesh, and to stay in the spirit; we must do this: we must yield to his control and be led by the Holy Spirit, and fully rely on the spirit.

  The sinful appetite is fed when we submit to it; our sinful appetite can go away if we don't feed it as long as we feed it and allow it to dwell in us; we have to stop and ask God to give us control and a desire to deny the craving to allow what defiles us to stay around us, cleaning our home and phones of things that could defile can help I'm not going to lie the urges will be there for a little while and this doesn’t mean we won’t sin but this is when we must pick up our cross and say God help me carry my cross so I won't defile myself.  ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

========================

PRAYER

========================

Heavenly Father, we thank you for your grace and mercy. We thank you for loving us and keeping us safe. Lord, protect us with your loving arms. We ask you to help us not to enter into anything that could defile us. We give you our minds, eyes, and ears. Lord, we surrender these body parts and ask you to cleanse them and change us. Lord, our cross is so heavy we ask you to help carry it, and we ask you to help us not to fall into temptation. Give us strength in you, give us strength to say no to what we want; help us to not gratify the flesh but to walk in the spirit; in Jesus Name, Amen

========================

REFERENCES

========================

+ Galatians 3:10 For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them."

 

+ Deuteronomy 27:26 Cursed be anyone who does not confirm the words of this law by doing them.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'

 

+ Romans 8:7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot

========================

FURTHER READINGS

=========================

Proverbs 13

Roman 6

Leviticus 2

Deuteronomy 20

 =========================

[invisibleraven]

playing with each other's fingers for Rulie!

Julie's sure she's torn her program to shreds before the opening music even starts. Reggie places a calming hand on hers, shooting her a warm look. "It'll be okay," he assures her.

"Will it though?" she asks.

He tangles their fingers together, giving her a hand a squeeze before letting go. "I know it will."

"But what if she won't see me? What if she doesn't know me?" Julie whimpers, already feeling her eyes go glassy.

"She will. Please believe me. Her heart will know you, even if her eyes don't," Reggie says.

Julie nods, and takes a deep breath as the overture starts. Feels Reggie's fingers tease her own restless ones when they start to toy with her gown. She can't help but smile as he does, letting their fingers twist and play together as she watches the ballet. It helps calm her, soothe her worries, even as her mind swings violently back and forth with worry.

She's sure the show is lovely, but by the end of it, Julie can't tell you a single thing that happened, but she knew the feeling of Reggie's fingers against hers, the way he kept her calm, kept her there with him.

But now he has to go with Luke, hope that they can convince Carrie to let them in to see Victoria, the former Duchess. Her aunt whom she hasn't seen in over ten years.

Julie knows she should stay in the box, shouldn't follow them, but she's too anxious to sit still. This woman who might be her family, might be able to chase away the fog that is her memories from her childhood. Tell her who she really is, and what happened to the rest of her family.

She knows of course, that they're dead. Shot by revolutionaries. But she wants to know, to remember what they were like. To hear stories of dancing on her father's feet, giggling with her mother over bedtime stories, playing games with her brother.

It's better than a blank and growing up in an orphanage, abandoned by people who couldn't-or wouldn't care for her. So she has to cling to hope.

But as she approaches the box, she can see Luke and Carrie off to the side, caught in an embrace that makes her blush. She knows they have a past, that's how they got into see Carrie in the first place. She just didn't know the past was so-involved.

Then she hears raised voices, and creeps closer.

"How dare you!" a woman cries. "How dare you try to make me hope, make me believe that your latest con might lead me to the last of my line!"

"Please, Your Grace, if you'd only listen!" Reggie protests.

"No, you listen!" the duchess yells back. "Don't think I haven't heard about you and your partner, holding auditions for the lost duchess Julianna! Teaching some girl what to say, how to act! Well I'll have no part in it! I won't let you break my heart again! My sister and her husband, my nephew, all gone. My niece is gone too Mr. Peters, so let an old woman live out the last of her life in peace."

Julie bites back a sob, running from the ballet. All this time... it had been a con? She was just some pawn for Reggie and Luke to collect a reward?

She makes her way back to the hotel, crying and cursing her own foolishness. She wanted a family, a past so badly that she let herself be duped. And worse yet, she let Reggie have her necklace, the one he swore would connect her to the now gone royal family. Her only keepsake. But she doesn't think she can face him to get it back.

There's a knock at the door, and Julie yells for whomever it is to go away. But they persist, and when she pulls it open, there stands Duchess Victoria.

She looks older than Julie thought she might, but grief ages a person. She comes in, without invitation, and Julie pleads with her that she didn't know of the con, only wanted to have a family, have answers as to who she was. The woman drops the chain into Julie's hands.

"That belonged to my Julianna," she says.

"I've had it all my life," Julie replies. "They said I was wearing it when I came to the orphanage, where the police brought me after finding me at the train station. I don't remember anything before that."

"You poor child," the duchess says, cupping her cheek, wiping away a stray tear. Julie sniffles-then stops.

"You smell like gardenias," she says.

"A lotion for my hands."

"I-I remember it. I spilled a bottle on my rug as a child-you were so mad at me, but I remember laying there when you were gone, smelling it and feeling close to you," Julie says.

Victoria freezes at that. "What else?"

Julie searches her fuzzy brain, pulling out a story or two, and then... a melody. One that has always haunted her. And Victoria joins in, singing softly, her voice weak as the words come out, then dissolving into tears as she pulls Julie into a hug. "It's you... it's really you."

~

Weeks later, Julie isn't sure what her life is. She has no real status or power or position. But she's celebrated, and the small community of supporters hope for the day when she can return to their home country and rule. The revolutionaries government is close to failure, and the people are longing for the days of the monarchy.

Julie just misses the simplicity of spending time with her aunt. Not all the balls and introductions to the right sort of men.

The valise full of reward money for her return sits and gathers dust in the hallway-neither Reggie nor Luke has come to collect it. But Carrie confesses to her that Luke has come calling. They're planning to resume their courtship as soon as he finds a respectable job in town. Not hard for a man of his talents. Of Reggie there is no word.

"You miss him, don't you?' her aunt asks after Julie hears this news.

"Of course not! I just... why didn't he take the money?" Julie wonders aloud.

"He told me that your happiness meant more to him," Victoria offered. "But I think... you were his my darling."

:But how would that work?" Julie asks. "I just got you back. I can't leave you to..."

"Be with the man you love?" Victoria asks with a smirk. "Why not? I did. Married a wild and fun man whom my parents disapproved of. Lost my position as the next Grand Duchess. But I was happy, for many years. He was worth it."

"Tia.."

"Go my dear, be happy," Victoria urges. "Write or call, come visit. I won't turn you away."

Julie grins and kisses her cheek, snatching up the valise and is off. Finds Reggie in line for the next boat back home. Pulls his hand into hers, where it feels right.

And starts a new life with her family.