#the most invalid sleeping position

[seyaryminamoto]

Azula's most overlooked characterization element

Why, hello there.

It is I.

And I'm back on my bullshit.

I didn't WANT to be. But a bunch of factors pulled me back in.

For the record: I'm not here to start any fights or light the fuse of arguments that I most likely won't have time or interest in responding to. What I AM here for... is to prove that there's something out there a bunch of people are delighted to sleep on because acknowledging it would render maaaany simplistic interpretations entirely invalid...

That group of people includes the fandom, of course. And the original show's staff. And the liveaction's staff, to a fault. Surely the TTRPG ones too. And absolutely, the comic book writers.

Hell, I'll even include MYSELF in that group, even though I'm making this post right now.

I found it really curious that I very recently saw this element mentioned in a pretty neat blog I follow, @atla-lore-archive, I absolutely advise anyone who hasn't checked out said archive to do it if you wish to understand a lot of the "extra lore" the fandom had access to, back in the old days when the turbonick ATLA site still existed and used to be the only source of deeper knowledge about the fandom besides the occasional interview that most people didn't even know where to track down.

But the funny thing is that the post I'm talking about proved that even Turbonick forgot about the people this post is about :')

And that would beeeeeeee...

*cue drumroll*

Lo and Li!

What makes Lo and Li an important subject to discuss?

Why, a lot of things. Among them, the fact that almost nobody brings them into the core focus of any analysis made about Azula's character. I've personally mentioned them once or twice I believe, mostly as negatives, there's but ONE positive aspect I've ever found of them: them being non-benders MIGHT be a reason why Azula isn't shown as being quite so obsessive with firebending supremacy as Zuko was supposed to be.

But that's very much the sole good thing I can think to say about them and it's completely subjective, as good as a headcanon, because we don't even KNOW if they influenced Azula in that sense!

Why do they seem to get overlooked quite as much? Why... let's start thinking about it, shall we?

Lo and Li are Azula's firebending teachers. As far as anyone can tell, they're also her advisors. These two people should be an essential part of Azula's life... but ironically, we seldom see them with her. Most times, Azula isn't around these two. Whenever she is? It doesn't usually look like she's having a good time.

And that's no surprise, considering her first scene with those two very much puts forward a dynamic of cold distance between Azula and her mentors: Azula is bending LIGHTNING. We have not heard of other lightningbenders until that point, and once the full show wraps up, there's only THREE (Azula, Ozai, Iroh). Out of those three? Only one is a fourteen-year-old girl. It's very easy to assume Azula's lightning is actually a skill she mastered unusually early in life, perhaps relatively recently, hence the practicing... but she's pulling it off. She's succeeding. She's doing something that genuinely catches a first-time viewer off-guard!

And Lo and Li's entire opinion of what she did is: "Almost perfect. One hair out of place."

This tells you the Fire Nation's idea of "imperfection" is... insane. Strict. Imposing. Unyielding. Unforgiving. Azula's reaction isn't to get angry at Lo and Li for saying what they did: it's to get angry at herself and try again.

But... that's not the only instance where we see Azula getting angry around Lo and Li.

The next few times Azula is around them, she doesn't seem to have much of an emotional reaction (one is when they tell her to find other allies, the other when they herald her as a great hero who returned home from Ba Sing Se). In the second of these scenes, Lo and Li are praising Azula as incredible, beautiful, all sorts of grand things...! And Azula smiles. She smiles at the crowd. She's not smiling at the old ladies who are praising her... she's mostly just happy to know her people are welcoming her as a hero indeed! Most the fandom would go "true! what an ungrateful bitch! She should've been happy that Lo and Li complimented her that way!!" Me? I wouldn't say that at all. Not just because I love Azula to pieces? But because the only information we have of Azula's dynamics with these two... doesn't seem compatible with the idea that what Lo and Li are saying here is for AZULA'S benefit.

Anyone who's had a hypocritical parent/caretaker/teacher must have endured awkward, horrible, unpleasant moments where this adult figure treats you like shit in private but in public holds you as this grand example, and a perfect child, and they never seem to stop saying they're soooo proud of you even though you NEVER felt that what they're saying is true. Maybe the first few times, you're naive enough to believe it. By the tenth time of incongruent messages? You start to realize they're talking you up as a way to make themselves look better. They're trying to show they're doing their job at raising you/training you, be it whatever it may. The praises are not FOR you... they're for a third person to hear and think "Oh, this adult's so cool, saying nice things about this kid they're responsible for! Nice!"

... You're starting to get the picture now, I'm sure.

Lo and Li reappear in the Beach. Azula is notably chill, enjoying the ride, talking casually with Ty Lee, telling Zuko to lighten up and to stop taking Ozai's choices personally, right? She seems... content. Relaxed.

Then, everything changed when Lo and Li attacked.

We don't even see why Azula is making this face at first. But she does it AT ONCE when their ship reaches the dock.

Who is there indeed...?

The stars of our post! :') if it isn't our elderly twin ladies... who brought Azula to a very disappoting beach house. And when Azula sees the house in question, she makes THIS face.

Judge however you may... even Ty Lee is weirded out by the beach house, going by that expression. Zuko and Mai aren't impressed either. But Azula? The look on her face isn't merely disappointment if you ask me... part of it looks a bit like embarrassment too? This isn't at all what she was expecting when she arrived (she has her old beach house for standards, which makes this extra underwhelming, I'm sure). She counts on Lo and Li to provide them with a place to stay, it goes implicit... and then this is what they do. It most likely isn't what she promised the other three in terms of where they'd stay, hence, I'd dare say there's a component of embarrassment here.

Shortly afterwards, we have our well known scene with Azula being utterly unconcerned with Lo and Li's apparent wisdom to the point of yawning over it. This, too, tells you she's just not interested in whatever those two have to say or bring to the table. Then, they show up again at mealtime and I think Azula just ignores them the whole scene.

After this? Lo and Li vanish until the finale. And what do they do in the finale? Why... it's the first time anyone expresses a verbal concern over Azula's wellbeing! Ah! A sign that Lo and Li have SOME affection for Azula! This time, you pesky Azula fans, you CAN'T twist this into a bad thing! For sure!

... Can't we, tho? :')

What IS Azula's reaction to: "We are concerned for your wellbeing"?

"My father asked you to come here and talk to me, didn't he‌? He thinks I can't handle the responsibility of being Fire Lord. But I will be the greatest leader in Fire Nation history."

And here, my friends, is when we have finally hit the jackpot.

Lo and Li could have been Azula's Irohs. She could've had TWO of him! Then you'd say: "hey! Ozai is such a dick he let Azula have two elderly wise ladies guiding her but only gave one old wise dude to Zuko! Rude!" and it would be further proof of Ozai's favoritism of Azula, right?

... But actually?

Lo and Li are no such thing. Lo and Li aren't moral compasses for Azula in the least. Lo and Li are not beacons of wisdom that genuinely help her sort her way through life. Worth noting: THEY COULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN THAT WAY. They're not. They're not part of mysterious secret societies, they don't help Azula in any objective, significant, tangible way... there's very much nothing to say they EVER fulfilled the role Iroh did for Zuko. What role, then, were they fulfilling instead?

Why... I think we ought to listen to Azula, shouldn't we?

My take: Lo and Li are OZAI'S STAND-INS.

Someone's going to say "hey why would you assume that when Azula said this in the middle of a breakdown?? Surely she was just DELUSIONAL and PARANOID and ashdgkadhsgkjgh...!"

... Let me counter that one with a fun little analysis excercise:

WHY are Lo and Li Azula's firebending teachers and advisors?

The finale very directly tells us these two are not benders. We could've assumed they were! They're not: Azula's teachers are non-benders.

Has a single person out there ever asked themselves WHY this is the case?

How the hell is Azula, prodigy of the blue fire, epic lightning, cruel and powerful and precise and deadly bending... training under two elderly nonbenders?

Bringing this to a real-life example: do you remember what it was like when you were in P.E. classes and your teacher told you to spend 20 minutes jogging, and if you ever stopped you had to do 20 crunches and then get back to the jogging, and every time you stopped he'd tell you the same thing and you'd want that guy to vanish from the face of the planet? I don't know if that was only my experience, but I rather doubt it.

What did kids typically think/say when that happened?

"I wanna see that old fart doing the same shit he's making us do..."

It's a headcanon indeed to say that this is how Azula must have felt over Lo and Li, but it's VERY likely to be the case. But I'd dare say, in Azula's case, it's even worse because, to put it in another way? It's like taking programming lessons from someone who's never learned a programming language. They'll tell you you're getting things wrong without knowing how to help you get them right because they just DON'T KNOW what you're doing, and are outright INCAPABLE of what you're trying to achieve. They can't offer good guidance based on experience because they have ZERO experience on that subject! And yet they want PERFECTION from you! They expect it!

Lo and Li are these teachers for Azula. We only see them in one scene? And yet everything in the rest of the show suggests that they bring nothing important to the table for Azula, be it professionally, be it personally, be it emotionally... not in any aspect of life.

And this, if you ask me, is why the OG show barely ever brings them into scenes. Why the comics flat-out forgot they existed and even featured people like Sozin and Azulon in Azula's beach hallucinations but NOT the two ladies who looked after her and trained her. Why the live-action didn't even FEATURE them.

And us? The fandom? The fic writers?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I READ A FIC THAT HAD LO AND LI INVOLVED IN IT.

I'm not even saying as main characters, I don't even know if that exists, frankly: I mean as minor, or background characters. I have NOT seen those two be used in basically ANY fics I've read. I've scarcely used them in mine! In fact, I PURPOSEFULLY got rid of them early on in Gladiator because I didn't want them to sabotage and get in the way of Azula's progress as a character and I believed they'd do exactly that. They were an obstacle rather than anything useful, so I did away with them and then realized they could still occasionally serve some purpose in certain situations: I even had Azula visit them once and they were actually helpful! Fancy that! But... that's it. That's as far as I could go with them. I can't do MORE with those two because they're not characters one particularly feels compelled to work with.

And from what I've seen? That's the case for everyone.

So, I ask again:

WHY ARE THEY THERE?

WHAT IS THEIR ROLE?

WHAT IS THE POINT OF AZULA HAVING NON-BENDING TEACHERS?

Let's go further and further into logical thinking here, shall we?

Azula is a child. Fourteen years of age at the time she's introduced in the OG show.

Azula has no power over many things around her, particularly, her upbringing. That's in the hands of the adults around her. Her mother, up until she vanished, had some hand in it, then, it all falls to Ozai.

Ozai has been Azula's sole parental figure since Ursa left.

Ozai is the one who would reasonably call the shots regarding Azula's education, as all parents are wont to do... ESPECIALLY when he's a king with absolute power over his children.

... so, Lo and Li? Ozai either gave them the position as Azula's teachers personally, or someone else (Ursa) did, and Ozai either didn't WANT to remove them from the role (cue "Ozai being sentimental over Ursa" theories), or Ozai didn't give a flying fuck about who was training his daughter (cue "Ozai is an abusive dick without a heart or a brain" theories).

Anyone, of course, would likely interject here to say surely Ozai ALSO trained Azula himself because that's what he'd do with his favorite kid, right? See. I don't even disagree with that notion.

BUT IT'S A HEADCANON.

We have zero evidence that Ozai trained her! None! I totally will write that into Azula's backstory in many of my stories, but there's NOTHING in canon to suggest this actually happened and that Ozai was genuinely, actively, frequently involved in her progress as a firebender. Assuming he HAD to be is, still, a headcanon. You can't say that with any more certainty than mine when I say I believe Azula loves spicy foods. Does it seem to be something that would fit with her character? I think so! But if eventually canon goes "AZULA CAN'T STAND SPICY FOODS LOL JOKE'S ON YOU!" I... can't even say a thing about it. People's food tastes aren't reflective of their personalities. They really could do whatever they want in that respect. And that's the case for ANYTHING that isn't part of the show's storytelling or the character backgrounds or any texts we consider canon!

POINT BEING: Ozai, regardless of what you want to headcanon, had Lo and Li as Azula's teachers. HIS FAVORITE CHILD... and her only official instructors are two non-benders. Yang added Kunyo as an old instructor of Azula's when she was young, sure! But Kunyo was sooooo qualified that baby Azula was already kicking his ass. So, for that matter? He doesn't really seem to have been a cornerstone of her firebending development and the only other known teachers for Azula are Lo and Li.

For the last time: Azula's teachers are NON-BENDERS. AS CHOSEN, SANCTIONED, APPROVED AND ACCEPTED BY OZAI.

And with those two remarking on absolutely STUPID stuff like "one hair out of place"? Azula still became the incredible firebender she was.

Cue, now, the irony where Zuko was stuck in the basics 3 years after setting out of the Fire Nation... WITH IROH ACTIVELY SERVING AS HIS MENTOR.

You're not gonna tell me that Lo and Li would EVER be better instructors than Iroh, or are you? Because that makes no sense. Full-stop. Iroh is supposed to be the most profound and complete firebender thorughout the show because he's spiritually enlightened even though I admit I think that's bullshit and he doesn't just teach Zuko how to set things on fire, he actually makes him learn theory and spirituality and his teachings are more profound than just "ONE HAIR OUT OF PLACE".

So.

Banished as he is, disgraced and seen as trash by Ozai, Zuko STILL has a better teacher than Azula does.

... Is this LOGICAL? Is this NORMAL? Does this make SENSE?

If you think Ozai's favoritism of Azula takes the shape of "I'll give you every little thing you ask for, sweetheart, I love you very much, here, have ten million doll houses so you can set them on fire, and all the ponies you ask for and on your next birthday I'll buy you a baby dragon and you'll get your own region of the Fire Nation to govern and a fancy title..."?

Then Lo and Li, unfortunately, are right here to be a HUGE contradiction with your interpretation of Ozai and Azula's relationship.

Azula should have THE BEST teachers. Azula does not. Azula doesn't even LIKE them. Azula is openly shown to dislike them! To be annoyed around them, ANGRY when they're teaching her, she feels they're here to keep tabs on her for her father! In a sense, they're Ozai's SPIES on her! :')

Hence? Ozai's favoritism of Azula MIGHT not be what everyone keeps pretending it is. Maybe Ozai didn't do everything to make Azula get things EASILY... and to be fair? That's not what Zuko said anyway. People interpreted it that way... but that's not REALLY what he says:

"Everything always came easy to her. She's a firebending prodigy, and everyone adores her. My father says she was born lucky. "

Every line in this statement is absolutely questionable and all of it sounds like buuuuullshit to me. This is ZUKO'S perspective. And sorry not sorry, but it's tell-don't-show. People swear by his opinion of Azula and pretend he's absolutely objective about it. He's not.

But "Everything always came easy to her," does not mean "EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS HANDED OVER TO HER ON A SILVER PLATTER." And yet this is what the fandom has constantly interpreted it as.

Azula might just be a prodigy. Maybe she started out ten steps ahead of her brother: this does not mean she needs no guidance, no training, no help. She's seen training herself over perfectionism in her very second scene of Book 2. And the guidance she gets in order to achieve perfection is actually, objectively, stupid.

This is what Ozai chose for her. This is an OBSTACLE for her growth, just as much as Lo and Li were obstacles for me when I was starting with Gladiator! Azula doesn't have it EASY: she just works herself so damn hard that even shit that should HINDER her does NOT do that. And even when her brother objectively has spent THREE YEARS with an advantage in the shape of being trained by one of the VERY BEST firebenders out there? Azula is still beating Zuko at it. With two non-benders as her teachers.

Where am I going with all this?

To the fact that Lo and Li are overlooked in just about every instance of the fandom.

To the fact that nobody includes them, and their influence on Azula, in their analyses of who Azula is.

I've seen a shitstorm rising over the Netflix characterization of Azula: SHE'S TOO ANGRY, they say. Non-stop. She's sooooo hysterical, all the time! She's just pissed perpetually!

Well. I haven't finished the show yet. But the scenes I've seen Azula in so far? They don't fit the fandom's view of Azula because...

... they're not taking Lo and Li into account.

As usual.

:')

Azula's reactions around Lo and Li being frustration, anger, irritation EVEN in scenes like The Beach, where Azula was FINE until she sees them? That shit is storytelling that went over sooooooo many heads, EVEN MINE! When I saw people going on about how canon Azula is... not insecure? Not angry? Has no frustrations and was only ever smirking 24/7? I... didn't feel that was right. I knew it wasn't right. And when I thought about it hard enough? I realized that one reason why this interpretation of Azula is IMMEDIATELY dismissable is because of Lo and Li: those two constantly made Azula angry. Even if that wasn't their intent, it's nonetheless the effect they'd have on her. And Azula didn't like having them around. She CLEARLY didn't appreciate them the way Zuko does Iroh, for instance! And this could be taken as a flaw on Azula's part... if we EVER saw evidence that these two ladies actually love Azula as a grandchild, or so. If we had any evidence that they actually have cared for her in ways nobody else ever did. If maybe the ones Zuko talks about, upon saying "EVERYONE LOVES AZULA" were these two! And maybe he was jealous of them! Maybe he wanted two old ladies to watch his every move and tell him his every flaw!

... Clearly I'm joking about that last thing, but anyway...

There's nothing to tell us Lo and Li were anything but Ozai's assigned watchdogs to keep control and tabs over Azula. That Azula's immediate reaction upon hearing that someone cares about her is "Oh fuck off, my dad sent you here because he doesn't trust me!" is... telling. It's not just paranoia speaking, even if it sure can be read that way! It's actually Azula's perception of those two, which is 100% supported by what we saw of the twins throughout the show, WHENEVER we did see them: their roles in Azula's life are indeed to keep tabs on her, to keep her under control, to pressure her into perfection, AS OZAI'S AGENTS! Seen this way, it MAKES SENSE for Azula to disregard their concern and immediately assume it's FAKE. She isn't even shown to doubt it, never questions that MAYBE they did care about her! She assumes they don't...

... And considering that, as far as I know, the official concept is that they BOTH LEFT when Azula banished one of them only? That they didn't contest her command, staying to look after her even if she only wanted one? I mean, clearly Azula can't tell them apart, so they could've taken turns: one watches over Azula for 12 hours and the other for the next 12 hours, I don't goddamn know! But they didn't do that. They LEFT. And if they left? It means they don't care remotely as much as they say they do. Not to the point where they'd challenge Azula's orders and help her when they KNOW she's not okay.

And all of this further supports my point.

When we see Azula in the liveaction being angry, bitter, irritable at Ozai's choices?

I see a reflection of the same dynamics that the OG too subtly weaved into Azula's relationship with Lo and Li. I see Azula reacting against Ozai's control over her because she feels it's DISTRUST. She feels it means her father STILL needs to be convinced that she's competent, powerful, ready to do his bidding. It isn't a case where Azula's irritation comes from wanting to rebel against her father... it's Azula wanting her father to UNDERSTAND that she's 100% his supporter and will put everything on the line to serve him and the Fire Nation.

And it's very damn easy to read that exact same thing into Azula's dynamics with Lo and Li as it is to see it EXPLICITLY STATED in the liveaction.

My point?

What the liveaction did is not nearly as much of a distant characterization choice as people think it is.

Ozai is Azula's Achilles' Heel. Everything she became, everything she grew up to be, was for his sake. He molded her to become those things and simply didn't give a shit about raising a daughter, he treated her as a weapon, and absolutely pitted his children against each other, just as much as OTHER adults in their lives did. But the impact of Ozai on Azula in the OG is easy to ignore. Why? Because we SELDOM see them interacting. Because we don't get that side of Azula's character fully explored. Because they didn't want to explore Ozai's character either! They were as cheap as they could be with all these aspects and so, only the people who really got into analyzing things on a deeper level would be able to say, without a doubt, that Ozai abused Azula emotionally with all the expectations and demands he put on his own child. Through the golden child-scapegoat dynamic that people have been bringing up non-stop in the past years.

So, proving herself to her father is what Azula wants to do, more than anything. Proving worthy of his favor, of his approval, is the closest thing she can get to feeling loved. Which is depressing as fuck. Azula gets zero affection: it's not even conditional affection, there's NOTHING for her besides approving words if she gets anything right. And this show's work with Azula's character? It was meant to make these things less invisible to all the fans who like to pretend none of it exists. And yes, I've seen them, crawling all over Twitter shitting themselves in fits of rage because how dare that show pretend Azula EVER had a bad time in her perfect flawless life!!

Well, the irony is that the OG gives you a smidge of evidence -- and yet that's enough -- to show that Ozai was doing very similar things to Azula in ATLA, and her reactions to it?

Huh. No smirks for Lo and Li.

No smirks for the symbols of Ozai's control over her life.

It's almost like the confidence, the smirks, the apparent ease with which she handles everything? Is a front that crumbles easily whenever it concerns the ONE PERSON with power over her life.

I don't believe, worth noting, that Azula's power comes from rage. I've seen people say that in fandom in the past and I find it a completely absurd take when Iroh himself spells out that her bending is about control, about precision, and it's Azula's FURY that makes her a sloppy mess in the finale. It's even INTENTIONAL that when she shoots lightning a second time, in her second establishing scene, THAT SAME HAIR FALLS OUT OF PLACE. She's still angry. She didn't get it "right" this time either. She's imperfect and she's trying NOT to be, but she cannot succeed. And upon bending lightning with emotions (rage/frustration)? That hair falls YET AGAIN out of place. Proof that she's not going to achieve the perfection she's being FORCED (indeed, by her father and the people who are here to represent him, Lo and Li) to strive for.

The liveaction had Ozai pushing Azula for a perfection she couldn't attain either. She's perfectly content in her cruelty at Ozai's side, right until she hears the Avatar was found and that Zuko has a shot at taking away the privileges she's been basking in so far. That she WASN'T nervous about this in canon is pretty damn obvious: OZAI SENT HER TO HUNT ZUKO DOWN FOR BEING A FAILURE. We never saw her reaction to learning that the Avatar was out and about. We have noooo idea what was canonically going on with her back then. The first time we see her besides the flashback is Azula receiving a mission that tells her she's STILL #1 and Zuko is no threat to her because Ozai thinks he's a failure. Thus? She had nothing to fear. Here? Ozai is actively using Zuko as bait to pressure Azula further. And if you're so confident in Ozai's good parenting skills as to believe he somehow WOULDN'T do that? Sounds like you don't understand the very basic and simplistic Fire Lod Ozai from ATLA, and that's not something to be proud of. So probably stop screaming your bad takes at the top of your lungs, because being incapable of understanding Ozai in canon is not a badge of pride, just saying...

FINAL POINT...

This post is not written expressly in the defense of the liveaction and its characterization of Azula. To this point, what I've seen of it doesn't feel WRONG or OFF unless you're the kind of person who thinks Azula is only capable of smirking and if she stops doing that she stops existing or something. Only people who cannot understand the depth, nuance, subtleties in Azula's story would ever be claiming that Azula's relationship with Ozai COUDLN'T be like this, or that Azula couldn't possibly be frustrated with her father or his choices when it's soooo clear what Ozai is going for, and why it's working. But in order to read Azula as a character capable of this range of emotion, frustration and ambition, all at once? You have to be able to treat this character, be it in the liveaction or the OG show, as a human being.

And that's what most the people criticizing this specific change are determined not to do. It's what makes them uncomfy. It's what rustles their jimmies.

Yes. I'm saying it in this very demeaning way because I actually find it quite ridiculous to be this insecure over the portrayal of a fictional 14yo in two TV shows. Whether the liveaction sticks the landing or fails catastrophically, I do not know... but I do know that if it's forcing a bunch of people to rethink Azula's character, and making them panic at the idea that she could EVER have human emotions, even if they're AWFUL human emotions?

Then I'm afraid you're only convincing me that, as bad as that show could ever get? It's getting SOMETHING right. I do love to see misinterpretations of Azula getting slammed in the face by the reality that all those beliefs, headcanons and takes in bad faith are actively, categorically untrue: none of which makes Azula a fundamentally good person, worth noting! But it makes it very clear that reading her as a one-dimensional basic villain, which is what the anti-Azula-redemption crowd actively does, is literally only possible if you overlook, ignore and fail to understand her character and her complexities, be it in the liveaction or in the original show.

There. I said my piece.

Another post, regarding the rest of the liveaction, is bound to come later. I'd say stay tuned but it might take me a while to write it at all. So... wait around and maybe you'll see it someday!

[wonysugar]

i like how on winterssera i’m the sakura wh*re but over here i’m more of a chaewon wh*re smfmsmfmd got to love the duality!

but ANYWAY, everyone’s birthday posts are invalid…. that little femdom only wants you tied and helpless hours on hours! her present would be a personal fleshtoy (and borderline punching bag? w/ consent tho) hehehe ((also she obv had to film it too, her director’s debut!)

no because i truly love you for that voekfoefj and we will both be your loyal suppliers! also loving the pictures that come with it?;!(&

she gets home and sees you naked and you proceed to tell her that she can use you however she wanted, and she’s so excited ughh her only birthday wish would be to ruin you for hours on end :(

she’d ask to record, obviously. this is a one in a lifetime opportunity! what is she going to get off to when you’re not around? she could do anything she wanted to you, of course she would want to keep it

having your hands tied up to the bedframe, legs spread like a good girl for her just so she can do whatever she want to you ughh!! she’d probably start by touching herself, playing with her clit in front of you, maybe grinding on your thigh as you’re squirming, begging and pleading to please let you touch her. she’d make you look straight at the phone’s camera for herrr :(

“look at the camera for me baby, show off how much of a slut you are for me.”

then she’d maybe rub her pussy on yours omg… going at the slowest most painful speed she could, getting you so wet and needyy for her. you’re being too noisy, you’ve been whining about wanting to touch her ever since she started, her nerves causing her to slap you whenever you say anything to her… or maybe digging her nails in your thighs and arms, scratching you.. :< she’d give so many bruises and marks omgomgomg..

“can you just shut the fuck up and let me do what i need to do, y/n.” she grunts out, grinding her cunt on yours, lewd noises coming from the contact of both of your cores!! and if you don’t buck your hips enough to her liking? oh she wrecks you.. calling you a useless whore and grabbing your face, forcing you to count the amount of times she slaps you across the face for being disobedient… she’s being so rude to you!! and she knew it just made it harder for you to keep your composure.. she thinks it’s sososo cute seeing you like this, helpless, under her mercy. she’d gently play with your pussy, too, just to see you whine and whimper me thinks :(

oh and you know the cute little candles you put on the nightstand to set the mood? yeah now she’s using those on you! pouring the burning candlewax on your sensitive skin, earning a loud whimper or moan from you as she giggles, watching you squirm underneath her. she thought you looked so adorable like this, vulnerable and all hers. she just knows she’s going to rewatch the video a bunch of times later<3

would definitely sit on your face afterwards, she just doesn’t care if the position is uncomfortable for you, she just wants to use your pretty mouth for something that’s actually useful, getting her off. grinding on your face, god she just couldn’t care less about you not being able to breathe!! plus, it would keep you quiet :((

after cumming multiple times though, she’d finish up and be all giggly and happy as she’s turning off the recording, giving you kisses all over your body and face as you wish her a happy birthday, she’d go to sleep all cheerful, already looking forward to next year’s birthday<3

sorry i got carried away wayyy too much this ended up longer than i expected fkdkfkd also equally as sorry for just randomly including candlewax play i hope it‘s okay that i did, i COULDN’T help it!!

[scotianostra]

August 20th 1872, saw the death of the Scottish " laureate of the nursery", William Miller.

Miller was born in Glasgow in 1810 and spent most of his boyhood in what is now the city’s Parkhead area. His ambition to become a surgeon was ended by serious illness and he was eventually apprenticed as a wood-turner. He became a skilled craftsman, developing a particular talent for cabinet-making. Early in his life he began writing poetry and children’s rhymes, mainly in the Scots language he used in everyday life.

His song Wee Willie Winkie along with other verse by Miller, first appeared in Whistle Binkie: Stories for the Fireside, a compendium of songs, in 1841, it went on to appear in further editions of that and many, many more publications since then. However it was not received well at first, indeed the editor of Whistle-Binkie,David Robertson was not keen on the grumpy figure personifying sleep and it was received with mixed opinions by Robertson’s friends. To settle the dissent, he dispatched the manuscript to R. M. Ballantyne of Edinburgh (who had himself contributed much to the publication and was the writer of over 100 books in his lifetime) who asserted, according to the Perthshire Advertiser that:

“There is not at this moment in the whole range of Scottish songs, anything more exquisite in its kind than that little Warlock of the Nursery, “Wee Willie Winkie.”

Miller suffered from ill health throughout his life and never managed to make a career solely as a poet and continued to work as a cabinet-maker and wood-turner for most of his life, most of the time from his own house, he did however have his fans, Lord Jeffrey, founder of the prestigious Edinburgh Review, being one, another was the Countess of Selkirk, and it was during one of his bouts of illness it became known she helped the erstwhile poet out when reported in The Glasgow Herald in 1846 that…:

“We learn that the Countess of Selkirk has transmitted to Mr David Robertson of this city, by the hands of the Rev.Mr Underwood of Kirkeudbright, the sum of £2, for behoof of William Miller, the author of “Wee Willie Winkie,” &c.; her Ladyship having been impressed with a favourable opinion of the poet from having perused his Nursery Rhymes. Mr Miller is so much improved, that he is now able to pursue his occupation of a wood-turner.”

In November 1871, an ulceration of the leg forced William give up his trade. Despite the increasing frailties of his body, his mind remained as sharp as ever and he continued to write and disseminate poetry, works which appeared in publications such as The Scotsman. Learning of his condition as an invalid, The Greenock Telegraph and Clyde Shipping Gazette on the 1st March 1872 urged its readers to furnish monetary contributions ‘for this deserving old poet:

WILLIAM MILLER THE POET.

“Perhaps the most delicious nursery song that has been written by a modern minstrel for the delectation of the “bairns” in these northern regions is the song of “Wee Willie Winkie.” We are sorry to hear that the writer of it has for a long time past been an invalid, and that he is in poor circumstances. William Miller has a strong claim on the public for some help to smooth his declining years. He is now upwards of sixty, and at his advanced age, afflicted as he is with serious disease of the limbs, there is no prospect of his ever being able again to resume work. By trade he is a wood turner, and he resides in Glasgow, of which city he is a native. One who knows him says that his heart seems still young, his mind still vigorous; but he feels his position irksome and his spirit galled that he cannot now, as formerly, earn by the swear of his brow the bread of independence.”

You have to love the language of the day used in these newspapers!

The following July, Miller stayed at Blantyre for a time, hoping that the town’s airs – the settlement was 8 miles from Glasgow – would reinvigorate him. The trip proved futile and he was soon returned to his son’s house in the city, having suffered a paralysis of the lower limbs. He passed away, destitute, at the age of 62 on the 20th August, 1872.

The poet subsequently received a number of obituary notices in the newspapers lamenting the loss of this Scottish talent. The account below, in The Greenock Telegraph and Clyde Shipping Gazette on the 22nd August, 1872), reports the grim news:

DEATH OF WILLIAM MILLER, THE POET

“The death is announced of William Miller, the nursery poet. He was born in Glasgow in August, 1810. He was early apprenticed to a wood turner, and by diligent application to business made himself one of the best workmen of his craft; and even in his later years there were few who could equal him in the quality of his work. It is, however, as a poet that he is known to fame. In his early youth he published several pieces in the Day and other newspapers; but from the fact that no record of these productions was observed, it is impossible to know when they issued from his pen.

The first thing that brought him into public notice was the publication of the nursery song “Willie Winkie.” The MS. of this song was sent to Mr. Ballantine in Edinburgh, who gave it unqualified praise, as being the very best poem of its kind that he had ever seen. This led to the publication of the poem, and it at once attracted a large amount of attention. This was followed by a number of other pieces of a similar description, all of which were received with great favour, and led to the author’s acquaintance with Lord Jeffrey and other gentlemen of literary tastes.

The best of his nursery songs which have obtained for him the well-earned title of the Laureate of the nursery were all written before he was 36 years of age; but it was not till 1863 that, at the request of several friends, he collected together and published a small volume, entitled “Nursery Songs and other Poems.” It had a wide circulation and has earned for the author a reputation that will never decay.

Miller is buried in Tollcross Cemetery in a plot that does not bear his name a sad state of affairs that led to friends and admirers raising a memorial stone by public subscription and it stands in the Glasgow Necropolis, near the Bridge of Sighs.

In 2009, Glasgow City Council unveiled a tribute to the poet at his former dwelling, 4 Ark Lane in Dennistoun, erecting a bronze plaque on the wall of the Tennent’s Brewery which now sits on the site of William Miller’s house. A blue plaque in the Trongate also serves as a quirky tribute to his most famous creation, declaring that ‘Wee Willie Winkie was spotted here in his nightgown’ in 1841.

It is clear that, even now, William Miller’s pyjama-clad figure still urges children to get into their beds and sleep as a nursery song learnt and replayed the world over

Here is the Scots version of ‘Wee Willie Winkie,’ a rhyme anglicised very soon after its publication:

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the toon,

Up stairs and doon stairs, in his nicht-goon,

Tirling at the window, cryin’ at the lock,

Are the weans in their bed, for it’s now ten o’clock?

Hey, Willie Winkie, are ye coming ben?

The cat’s singing grey thrums to the sleeping hen,

The dog’s spelder’d on the floor, and disna gie a cheep,

But here’s a waukrife laddie that winna fa’ asleep.

Onything but sleep, you rogue, glow’ring like the mune,

Rattling in an airn jug wi’ an airn spoone,

Rumbling, tumbling round about, crawing like a cock,

Skirlin’ like a kenna-what, wauk’ning sleeping fock.

Hey, Willie Winkie – the wean’s in a creel,

Wambling aff a bodie’s knee like a very eel,

Ruggin’ at the cat’s lug, and raveling a’ her thrums-

Hey, Willie Winkie – see, there he comes!’

Wearied is the mither that has a stoorie wean,

A wee stumple stoussie, that canna rin his lane,

That has a battle aye wi’ sleep before he’ll close an ee

But a kiss frae aff his rosy lips gies strength anew to me.

[m-to-z-andbackto-m]

Bitty Dust Headcanon Time!!! I didn't do a good job at deciphering the lil' bugger-

Bitty!Killer HeadCanons

Bitty!Cross HeadCanons

I feel that he's. Awful at social interaction (at least at first) so he's a great choice if you're out of the house a lot!

Actually don't leave him alone-alone for too long, I feel like he has attachment issues so at first he'd be okay with alone time... apart from being emotionally unstable-

Once he warms up to you he'll probably stick around more and you'll probably start to understand what he likes and stuff, despite his lack of verbal responses

He probably doesn't like his face touched? I personally don't go with a no face Dust but I adore the idea/look so if you do, he probably doesn't want you touching his head

Maybe he'll let you pat it gently as long as you don't tug his hood off, you'll have to gain his trust first though, you can hold his itty bitty hands instead 🥺

Don't touch his scarf, if it needs cleaning he'll do it, probably in the shower or something

Most compatible with a well tended to Horror, maybe he'd be on edge with a Papy bitty so I wouldn't advise that pair up, unless you throw in a Horror!Paps, the difference is enough and similarities still comfortable, plus Horror would love his baby brother to be around and Dust could feel like this is his personal second chance (Like how Geno vibes with Papy!), though he won't say it

Edit: I think he'd be okay with Geno too actually, I don't see enough positive interaction between them D:

He'll probably vibe with Cross too but don't expect much interaction between them, again, good bitty choices if you're out of the house a lot!

If you want, you can try to pair/group him up with a Blue, he's tolerable, but make sure he doesn't overwhelm the tired man

You know these headcanons are if they potentially had their pasts played out, but if you don't wanna think they have backgrounds as bitties that's up to you

I think he'd like soft things (likes being wrapped in them for a sense of safety and support) and hate dirty places like the back of the microwave where Killer would venture into lol, only because the dirt and grime reminds him of bad stuff

Ketchup. He might want it spiked though, still, don't let him develop an addiction/habit-

I keep thinking it'd be cute if he hugs your hand/finger(s) (depending on the size you're imagining)

Probably watches TV and sleeps a lot, sluggish due to bad mental health/low motivation and poor quality sleep, this can be improved overtime if you emotionally bond with him and help him work out confronting his feelings which he tends to invalidate in his mind, he just needs some kindness guys

He's low maintenance, but he also forgets to take care of himself sometimes, you gotta make sure he's not stinky and hungry, actually, if you pair him up with a Horror bitty, he'll make sure Dust doesn't starve because that's just his moral compass y'know

Also he probably prefers hoodies and won't wear anything new/unfamiliar, especially if it makes him feel exposed

If you do get him to do more than just lay around sulking, maybe he obsesses over routines to feel a sense of predictability and has terrible paranoia, especially of unknown humans, bitty or not

Sensitive to change and may cause panic so tell him what will happen and when

For a small example, don't scoop him up without asking or warning him first

If you'll get home late, leave him a voicemail on the home phone so he's less anxious waiting

And don't invite people over or adopt new bitties without him being prepared for a new variable in the house, this might cause him to distaste the new person and be avoidant

Definitely not outgoing at all, but maybe a couple of times he'll accept some time outside the house

He'll want to protect you depending on how well you've bonded <3

[winters-mistress]

Fever and Firelight

"How is she?" Yennefer asks, pulling over the rock that encloses the four of them in the large cave just east of the pontar river. Her basket is full of wild vegetables and fruits, while Jaskier pulls the carcass of the large boar she had taken down with her magic. The poor bard had lost his breakfast when Yennefer had gutted it, so he was stuck dragging it behind them, two thick ropes binding the hooves in each hand.

Geralt glances up at them both from his position, laying in the makeshift bed that Yennefer's magic had conjured a couple days before. He glances back down at the girl who lays on top of him, adjusting his hand on her back.

"No change, still wheezing." He replies, watching as Jaskier finally lay the body down on the floor, wheezing just as much as Ciri was, hunching over and clutching his knees. His eyes flash to the girl still sleeping on top of her protector, pushing back against the cave wall to hold his weight.

"Alright, big man, switch." Jaskier lollops over. "The bitchy witch won't get her hands dirty, and I am sure to hurl once again if I should ever see that boor beasts insides again." He finishes, opening his arms to take the girl from the witcher.

"Clean up, first. She's hardly likely to improve breathing in your sweat and boar blood." Geralt grunts, his arm wrapping tight around her back.

"Who's a clucky mother hen, then?" Jaskier laughs, poking Geralt's nose. The witcher growls at him, and Jaskier chuckles, stripping off his red leather coat.

Yennefer is silent as she starts separating the vegetables from the fruit. Her heart hurts, and she can not help her pain when she watches Geralt treat the girl with such kindness and gentleness. Big hands capable of such violence and pain gently running across blonde curls, holding onto her little body with such care and tenderness that Yennefer proposes that anybody who speaks ill of this witcher may be struck dead. This man is so gentle, nurturing, and protective, and she hates herself for hurting him and hurting the thing he cherishes most above all else.

Geralt and Jaskier swap roles as the Queen of Cintra's bed, with the witcher taking a moment to stretch his muscles, before going over to the body and kneeling over it. One of his daggers skins the beast, while the other begins to cut out all the muscle he can find. The bones have their uses, for broth and a couple of his own ilixr recipes. The offel and giblets make Jaskier nauseous, but he's sure they can make use of them in some way. Even sell them to a butcher if they get desperate. Vesemir always told he and his brothers to never waste a kill.

He thinks he should spend a few hours making the boar skin into a blanket for Jaskiers pony that he had named Oatmeal, for its mane was the colour of gruel. Ciri had laughed at him when he said it, her own Astoria even snuffling in disgust as she headbutted the horse in greeting.

He hopes she will be as amused by the name as she had been that day whenever she would break this impressive and terrible fever. Be the same fiesty and firey and fierce little warrior sorceress Queen he had always known her to be. And the logical part of his brain says she will, but the frantic part worries that the fever will be tok great and reduce her to a drooling invalid who would be taken out in the night and that be that.

"Calm down, Papa wolf." Jaskiers voice calls out. "Keep that face up and we won't need the magic floaty candles, you'll burst into flame."

He grumbles at the purple bard, who grins at him. Yennefer comes closer, and Geralt tenses as he had since he had put all the pieces together about Yennefer's deception and betrayal.

"Here-" she lays a handful of leaves next to his knee. "found these for her. Chamomile, I believe. With a few sprigs of cinnamon. Should help her."

Geralt takes them in his hand, letting out a quiet hum in her direction as the great and mighty sorceress begins to cop the tops off carrots and slice their stringy skins to get to the bright orange within.

He looks at her, and she looks at him.

"Oh, no, you fucking don't. You do not get me holding the baby while you make moon eyes at each other. You want to do a jot of bedsport? Go outside, you couple of animals." Jaskier throws his sweaty coat at the two of them, laughing as Geralt growls at him once more.

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to the very lovely friends who have relentlessly sifted through tumblr archives to recover them, thank you all so much!! ♡

Thranduil x Short!S/O

- first of all, Thranduil is supposed to be like 6’5”, so around 99% of the world’s population is going to be short in comparison to him

- but as a dignified short person, I know that an actual short person is anything less than 5’5”, and considering Im exactly 5ft tall, Im a particularly short person, and this one goes out to all my fellow shorties

- needless to say, your height was a bit of a shock to Thranduil, even considering the fact that you arent an elf

- the fact that your personality exceeded your size so much was fascinating to him, and he quickly became utterly entranced by you

- I’d say Thranduil would dwarf you, but using the word “dwarf” as an example of anything positive in front of the Elven King is probably a bad idea

- but he adores your height!!

- he finds himself being thrown into spirals of anxiety every time he loses sight of you, because you’re so small you can easily disappear into a crowd

- he does tower over everyone though, so he’ll always find you soon enough, but he still freaks out about losing you

- Thranduil has realised that a vast majority of the time, he’ll hear you before he sees you

- whether it be singing as you skip down the halls, laughing very loudly, or just simply shouting to get people to acknowledge the fact you’re talking to them, he will hear you a good few minutes before you enter his line of sight

- to add to this, as a gift he crafted an anklet for you that is decorated with beautiful silver bells, so that even when you arent being particularly loud, he wont lose you as easily, because the bells on your ankle will alert him of your presence

- Thranduil had COUNTLESS elven robes tailored especially to your size, but whenever you wear his robes, his heart just sings

- on a more saucy note, the fact he towers over you so much is a bigbig turn on to him

- he loves picking you up and spinning you around, and even though he’s a king, he will gladly give you piggyback rides for days on end if you ask him to

- because of your size, Thranduil is far more protective of you than most people

- it’s not that he sees you as inferior, he knows you can handle yourself in battle, but people have a habit of not seeing you, so they trip over you or walk into you

- and if the King hears of anything like that happening, he will not be best pleased

- so he tries his best to prevent such instances, by always having you at his side in order for others to see you, or having you stand slightly behind him so that you are protected

- your small stature is utterly adorable to him, and whenever he sees you doing literally anything at all, he finds himself smiling because you just look so cute when you exist

- he refers to you as any combinations of petnames that he can incorporate your height into

“Good evening, ai’mela(little love)”

“Did you sleep well, aier(short one)?”

“What is it that amuses you so, ai’ arwen/ai’heru(little lady/little lord)?”

- Thranduil does not tolerate anyone talking badly or laughing at your height, especially if they use that as a reason to invalidate your royal status or your marriage to him

- despite usually being a pretty calm and collected King, he has had to force Elves and other creatures alike up against walls and remind them who your protector is, whenever he’s heard of them joke about/criticise your height

- since you dont take up much room, most of the time he’ll insist that you sit on his lap and share his throne, rather than sit on your own

- this is also his best excuse at getting you close to him, so that he can admire you and kiss your features

- your body fascinates him, not just in terms of being the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, but in a biological sense he is in awe of how all your vital organs and bones are compacted into such a small form, he thinks you’re a miracle

- again, Thranduil is apparently 6’5”, so majority of people are short in comparison to him, meaning all of these events can apply to mostly anyone

- but an especially small person? you become his little jewel, and he’ll never let you forget it

“You are like a star, ai’mela(little love).”

“How so?”

“You appear so small, but the closer I am to understanding you, the more your beauty exceeds the drop of starlight in the sky that I once thought you were.”

[arbitraryreveries]

I understand the self-insert that the showrunner is doing with Francesca and "Michael" (Michaela), and I'm not going to try to invalidate anyone who has positive feelings about this (bc ya know, not everyone has read the book and not everyone who has read the book has ... a very specific set of kinks ...), but of all the takes on this I have heard, "John should just agree to be Francesca's beard but also provide her and Michaela with a baby" is the most ... I cannot.

Like, excuse me? He should just give up the woman he loves to his cousin and yet still sleep with her but only so his cousin and tHE WOMAN HE LOVES can have a child? Like?

And granted, I do understand that Bridgerton has decided that if you don't love someone in that crazy omegaverse-coded way, you don't reaaaallllyyy love them and therefore Francesca and John are "just friends," but just because John is a beta doesn't mean we get to treat him like a second class human being.

And I just find myself asking, is this Violet's fault? Did she wish this into existence? DANG IT VIOLET YOU MADE YOUR DAUGHTER GAY BECAUSE YOU WERE SO OBSESSIVE ABOUT LOVE!!*

(okay actually Violet having some weird mind control thing with her children would be a pretty hilarious plot twist & hey why not bring that into the show)

As a sidenote, I'm not saying we shouldn't change any of the couples, but I'd already grieved for Sophie and already didn't care about Philip, so why Francesca when Michael is the only fractionally decent-ish hero in this series?**

*joking obviously but it is funny how obsessive Violet was about "this not being love:(" and then immediately after their wedding, Francesca is making googly eyes at the first chick she meets. Idk, couldn't we just have had quiet love without the show immediately undermining it?

**I know a lot of people are saying he's toxic, but like ... he's the only one without daddy issues. He has cousin issues instead.***

***Julia Quinn, are you okay??

[the-s1lly-corner]

Splendorman x gloomy!reader

realized that splendor literally gets no solo posts on this blog and that just. doesnt feel right. sure im not his biggest fan but i do like writing him!! i think he only has one solo post here.. sick and twisted !!

if youre more reserved and to yourself i think he would try to get you to come out of your shell every now and then

dont get me wrong i do think he would still try to keep your comfort in mind and understand that youre not always going to be willing to interact with others or do some high energy activity; for the most part he respects that

its hard to word this but hes kind of like one of those toxic positivity people that worry for you. except he truly does worry for you and hes working on trying not to smother and hurt you, last thing he wants is to silence or invalidate your feelings

generally very good at reading you and tones himself down when he notices youre a little more stressed than usual

snack master, very good at making your favorite snacks and comfort foods. will make them for you, and you dont even have to ask. always makes sure youre staying hydrated too

i dont think he would beat around the bush in asking if you drank or ate that day, nah splendorman doesnt know how to be subtle most of the time

likes putting on music for you, usually sticks to things he knows you like but i like to think he sneaks his own songs into playlists

doesnt really need to sleep but he loves winding down with you at night so you have someone to stay with you

always offers a shoulder to cry on

gives the best hugs

just like laughing jack i dont think he would leave you alone until youre at least feeling a little better... which depending on things might... make things worse since sometimes you need to be alone

please please communicate! he might wilt a little but ultimately hes going to understand if you need some alone time to gather yourself!

very positive and optimistic, always tries to get you to think more positively; or at least more realistically

"someones gonna die..." "OF FUN!" dynamic

[meraki-yao]

This is gonna be really personal, and really venty and probably really selfish, and I’m most likely gonna delete it in the morning, but I feel like this is the only place I can talk about it, so I’m just gonna shout this into the void. If you’re not in a good space either, please stop reading and keep scrolling.

I’m not in a good place in my life right now. Truth be told my mental health has been shit since I was 7, but this is the worst I’ve ever been. Long story short, I was pressured into a college major that I didn’t want by family, and I thought I could pull through the four years of school, but it’s the first semester of the second year and I can’t handle it. I do not suit this major, nor do I find any purpose or joy in trying to deal with it. I hate it, I struggle with, yet it consumes all the time in my life. It’s been like this since the start of college, and it’s just getting worse. It doesn’t help that adults around me keep telling me how good this major is as a career and how I need to start looking for internships. It’s gotten to the point where I’m mentally and physically unhealthy, and I skipped school for the entirety of October without anyone but my sister knowing because classes gave me panic attacks. My parents aren’t people I can talk to about this because 1, they invalidate mental health issues as my fault for not trying hard enough because engineering and science came easy to them 2, they’re the ones who put me in this position in the first place. My sister listens but I help her more than she knows how to help me, and my friends are all busy with their own stuff.

I am seeking professional help on my own, I have bimonthly counselling which helps, and I recently started taking prescribed antidepressants. But for me to find a psychiatrist for a diagnosis on my life long issues and more meds, or for me to start looking into switching a major (which is a fucking arduous process where I am, fuck), I need to wait till I’m done with my exams which will be the last two weeks of December

So for the following month, I’m stuck, and fucked.

RWRB saved me in a way. I accidentally stumbled upon the trailer when it came out and suddenly I had a source of joy, a reason to keep going and keep looking forward to the next day. RWRB made me the happiest I’ve been since January of 2022. I can’t explain why, maybe it’s how I relate to Henry, maybe it’s how firstprince’s relationship is so beautiful, maybe it’s how it’s a rom com, I don’t know. But I have a couple of movies/shows that make a huge impact on my life, and RWRB is one of them. Waking up to something new, waking up happy with something to look forward to felt so good after so long of wanting time to just pass by me. I’ve haven’t watched a movie on repeat since I was 6 and repeating the original Lion King. I started this account because I had so many thoughts about the movie and I wanted to share them.

And I know it’s not the healthiest to hook all of my sanity onto a fandom/movie. But I’m not in a space where I can deal with my actual problems directly right now. And I do have other things in my real life that make me feel a bit better, but RWRB really has been the most effective/impactful one right now.

This is also the first time since Infinity War in 2019 were I followed a movie’s promo and release rather than discover it when all is said and done. And it happened to coincide with the strikes. Which again I’m supportive of and proud of the agreements they achieved, but the timing of everything just makes me so upset.

I thought that Prime would keep it going for a bit, especially after the strike resolved. And right now I’m not saying they’re definitively not doing anything. We don’t know that.

But I thought they would release a new deleted scene on 18th since that’s the date the last two deleted scenes were released, and it was the 100th day since release. When that didn’t happen, I thought they would release it on Thanksgiving. I lost sleep over waiting for it. But that didn’t happen either.

I got an anon ask who kindly but objectively explained the situation on the business side. And after reading and answering those asks…

I felt really fucking bad.

I kinda just lied down, panting and trembling.

It kinda felt like drug addiction withdrawal. Which is a morbid thing to compare it to, because if it weren’t for my myriad of problems this would just be a hyperfixation, but withdrawal is genuinely the only way I can explain my reaction (but to clarify I never actually did drugs)

And the following days I just had this ache and weight in my chest.

I think the reason my reaction is visceral is because RWRB is really my only, singular source of unbridled happiness right now. It’s literally the only thing I’m trying to hold on and stay afloat for, the reason I wake up in the morning. I thought Prime would keep going for a while with a relatively fixed monthly schedule of something new, but that broke off.

And that’s not to say that the fandom isn’t included in my RWRB happiness. I still fucking love the fanart and fanfics I come across.

But the jump from August and September to now, and my worsening issues because of school, it just hits harder.

I’m kind of at a lost right now. I’m getting worse in my own life with exams that I’ll definitely straight up fail (and I used to be a star student: I’ve needed academic validation my whole life) on the horizon, and I feel like I’m losing the only thing I held on to for the past couple of months.

I’m fucked and I don’t know what to do.  

[battleangel]

Hospital Hellhole

Where are the open windows in hospitals?

Hospitals are exactly like corporate cubicle farms, where you see the windows in your office, but theyre never open.

So, no fresh air ever gets in.

Stuffy, recirculated air with zero outside fresh air + constant either central indoor heating or air conditioning + a bunch of sick ass people stuffed into one building isnt exactly a recipe for holistic health.

Nor is it meant to be.

Its actually a veritable hotbed for communicable diseases, viruses, infections, germs and bacteria to develop, spread and grow.

Idgaf about how "well the hospital is ventilated" -- you need fresh air, jackass!

Good luck ever getting it at a hospital.

They'll just parade you around bare ass in a drab ass drag ass light blue gown that doesnt even close all the way in the back yet have the nerve to talk about how "functional" it is.

They'll parade your literal bare ass through the hospital hallways so you can "walk around" -- but nevah outside.

Yeah okay.

There are windows, why cant I open them?

Because you cant.

The air inside a hospital is endlessly recirculated, stuffy as hell and filled to the brim with germs, bacteria, viruses and pathogens given that a hospital is, y'know, a building full of sick ass people.

Who in the hell thinks this is a good idea?

Exactly noone as hospitals are designed to mentally break you, dehumanize you and give you a different illness then the one you checked in with or make whatever your current issue is worse.

Being in a building with no outside fresh air and no open windows full of sick, dying, dead, incapacitated, vomiting, diarrhea, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, bleeding people isnt supposed to make anyone else sicker?

Yeah okay.

You need fresh air even in the best of circumstances forget about when youre sick.

You need to be in nature as it literally heals us, even their studies confirm that.

You need fresh, unrecirculated air from outside.

You need the sky, the sun, the grass and the trees.

But what do you get?

A dark, drab, sterile, lonely room with a large ass loud ass TV in it, a phone, a bed that you will be stuck in for most of your stay, a bathroom and a window you cant open.

Sounds exactly like prison.

Being stationary -- unless you are a literal invalid or completely physically incapacitated -- is awful for you.

They know this.

They know that being stationary in bed can cause DVT (deep vein thrombosis), blood clots, embolisms, poor blood circulation and bloodflow, swelling, edemas, muscle atrophy, weight gain, bed sores.

Not to mention depression, lack of mental sharpness and acuity, lethargy, anxiety, fatigue, listlessness, hopelessness, dread...

Its almost like its by design, isnt it?

Hospitals should be near parks or be built inside of parks.

All patients that are literally physically capable of going outside for fresh air and natural sunlight should do so, or if possible, should be taken outside in wheelchairs.

Blinding white bright ass unnatural fluorescent lighting has repeatedly been proven to deplete our melatonin levels, disrupt our natural circadian rhythyms, disrupt our sleep, cause insomnia and other sleep disorders -- so why is the lighting in hospitals so fucking bright???

Why do you think?

They dont want you well.

If you happen to get better after being hospitalized, its an unintended side effect.

The goal is to find -- or make up -- other things that are wrong with you so they can feed you further into the many tentacled medical industrial complex.

More diagnoses, more pills, more injections, more shots, more IVs, more surgeries, more specialists, more tests, more false positive results.

Just the way they intend it.

If youve ever visited someone in the hospital or ever been hospitalized yourself, youve probably experienced a general feeling of feeling run down, fatigued, sore, tired, like you were coming down with a cold, feeling out of sorts and out of it if you were inside a hospital for a few hours or more (days, weeks or even months).

Thats by design.

Patients should be outside every day, breathing fresh air, getting natural sunlight, touching fresh grass, hugging and sitting by trees, looking up at the clear blue sky, soaking up the sun, picking flowers and soaking up natures natural healing properties.

Nope, you get to walk up and down a ridiculously overilluminated bright ass fluorescent hallway with drab muted colors surrounding you, machines beeping, nurses having bored conversations at lunch, doctors being self-important and your bare ass cheeks on full display in your gown that doesnt "quite fully close all the way in the back."

You should be letting butterflies land on your hand, picking sunflowers, laying against trees, walking barefoot in grass, staring up at the sun and soaking up the individual rays, taking deep breaths of the fresh air all around you, looking at the clear blue sky, observing some of the cloud formations, lying on your back on the grass and staring up at the big blue sky supervised by hospital staff for about an hour a day.

That should be happening every day in every hospital.

It could be done in shifts.

Even a small park or garden even on hospital grounds or property would suffice.

In your everyday life, dont you walk outside once a day?

Even just to check the mail? Run errands? Pick up groceries? Go to work? Get takeout? Go shopping? Go to work? Meet up with friends and family? Go out to eat? See a movie? Take a walk? Go jogging?

Why is this simple freedom denied to you in a hospital?

When you need nature the most, they wont even open a window for you.

Antiseptic sterility, vomiting bleeding dying patients, coughing sneezing wheezing patients, patients with viruses, bacterial infections, open wounds, bodily fluids and emissions, mucus, phlegm, stitches, sutures, transfusions, transplants.

How would you NOT need fresh air even after one day in a hospital?

Why is hospital food so comically bad?

Youre literally back to the slop you were being force fed in elementary school but as an adult.

Since youre sick, shouldnt there be an interest in providing you with nourishing, holistic, healthy, fresh organic foods that will help heal you and aid in your recovery?

If youve ever been hospitalized, it took you back to your school days with rubbery chicken, mystery lunch meat, dry bread, nothing is seasoned, everything is out of a box, warmed over and bland as hell.

Why?

It doesnt have to be expensive!

Fresh spinach for salad is cheap, quinoa is cheap, tofu is inexpensive, steel cut oats are inexpensive, chickpeas are cheap, hummus is inexpensive, lentil beans are cheap, kale is inexpensive, kidney and black beans are cheap - these are all chock full of protein, cheap, healthy, good for you and can be prepared with fresh or cookied veggies, rice, noodles.

It doesnt have to be like this.

They want you sick and defeated.

Hospitals are literal hellholes.

Its not you.

Youre right to think they are creepy depressing prisons and incubators for all kinds of diseases and infections.

Because they are. By design.

[stxrslisten]

a study.

BASICS.

full name : narcissa acheson

name meaning : daffodil, a cheerful and bright spring flower

nicknames : cissa, nana

epithets : the spring rose

titles : lady of the autumn court

gender / pronouns : cis woman / she/her

sexuality : bisexual

date of birth : on the twenty-nine of the sixth month

age : twenty-eight going on two hundred and eighty

zodiac : cancer

place of birth : the spring court, prythian

species : high fae

languages : common tongue

allegiance : the spring court

APPEARANCE.

faceclaim : hanna dodd

height : 5′6″

eye color : honey brown

hair color : soft brunette with copper and blonde undertones

dominant hand : right

MAGIC.

abilities : immortality, winnowing, heightened senses, healing, dream manipulation, shift into a lynx, manipulation of air

weaknesses : vulnerable to certain magic attacks, individuals with higher level of magic, burn out

PERSONALITY.

positive traits : optimistic & caring

negative traits : gullible & secretive

hobbies : flower picking, high harp, piano forte, singing

charcater inspiration : sansa stark, jene bennett, daphne brigerton, elizabeth chenoweth

RELATIONSHIPS.

parents : former high lord & lady of the spring court

siblings : high lord emilio acheson, lord luka acheson

extended family : tba

spouse : cormac aster ( ex husband )

children : n/a

BIO.

there was a quiet room after the high lady had stopped screaming, the babe had yet to cry and as the seconds ticked by the room grew heavier and heavier. weakly the little girl finally cries and the room breathes, but the healer does not have a good face. the little one would not live long, she whispers, and her mother hugs the little thing to her chest in sobs.

against all odds the little girl makes it through the night, through the week, through the month. and finally on the thirtieth day she was named, believed the mother had given the little girl a chance to live and to remain with her family.

cissa grew up weak, often falling sick, and remaining indoors. her mother become over protective of her, she should not run, or agitate herself, she should be indoors and looked after at all times. the little girl simply followed, she was amiable, and often too tired to argue or fight against it.

this followed her into her teen years, and although she wasn't allowed far from the gardens of the spring manor, her world felt extensive. she found solace in romance books, in playing musical instruments, and on the days she felt as if she had all the energy of the world she could also sing. her voice was alluring, almost bewitching her father had once said.

with the years her sicknesses become more of a weakness she carries with her, she finds herself tired more often than others, sleep is something she requires in larger amounts. and from time to time, as if she is expecting it she still falls ill and it takes a while for her to recover. but she endures, as she has always from a young age.

the betrothal to one of the sons of the day court did not come as surprise to her, she knew one day she would have to be an asset to her family, even if she had spent most of her life as a burden. she was happy to do something in return for her father. in cormac she found a love she had not expected, she appreciated him, admired him even. there was light between the two, or at least for a few years that had been truth. she lost her husband the day the day court lost their high lord. the sorrow of loosing a father was never easy, and for cormac it become a challenge. a challenge his weak wife could not aid him in. and although she fought him, she stilled returned to the spring court with an invalidated marriage.

for many years cissa's brightness was deemed, opaque, almost gone. she felt like a failure to not only her husband but also to her family. she was quiet before she eventually became herself again, the spring court was once more full of her laughter, full of her music. some days were harder than others, some days it was easier to pretend, but she did her best every day.

II. EXTRAS & OTHER THINGS

cissa can play a vast range of musical instruments, but her heart lays with the high harp and the violin. those close to her know that she plays the harp when she is happy, and the violin when something saddens her. but when the emotion is unbearable, she signs.

as cliché as it might be cissa loves nature, flowers and the sort. she can often be found bare footed walking the gardens.

romance novels are her favorite, she has potentially read all the ones in the spring court and is often looking for new ones.

CONNECTIONS.

best friend ; this person could be from the spring court (preferable) but also from her time in the day court

a current betrothal ; perhaps someone the spring court wishes to stablish connections with, or the other way around

[romanticallyghosting]

Hi Ghost! So uh… yeah, here’s my post of pain IG.

I feel like most of my anxiety and depression are linked to doing things I love, which really, REALLY sucks.

I love acting, yet there’s always a dread that everyone there hates how annoying I can be, and I’ve been told so on certain occasions.

I love video games. Especially rhythm ones. I started up Rhythm Heaven Fever today (a classic), and I got to around the 6th batch of games before I started feeling bad. I was acing the ones before; why couldn’t I do so with these ones?

I started to beat myself up and scrutinize every mistake I made, just because I was bad at an otherwise amazing video game. Def top ten.

I know that kinda sounds pathetic, almost breaking down over a video game.

Also, I can’t really sleep at night. It takes me a while to get sleepy, and sometimes I just can’t fall asleep. So I instead turn to tumblr and start giving everybody the positive messages that I can’t really accept for myself.

Again, kinda sounds a little pathetic.

This ask can be private or public, I don’t really care.

Sorry for dumping all this on you. We barely know each other!

first off, dont apologize for it! i volunteered and i just want to make sure YOU feel safe and like you have a space to vent

and it’s not pathetic either. they’re real things that affect you, and when you genuinely feel bad about something, you deserve to be able to vent and work through it!

i also wrote some advice. i’m not sure if you actually want it or not, because we’re not super close, nd it’s completely your choice on whether you accept it or not, but i put it anyways :)

i know this sounds like simple advice, and you’ve probably gotten it before, but try to go easy on yourself. it’s easy to work yourself up into a negative space, and from what you’re saying it seems like your instinct is to just invalidate and push those feelings away. which is completely normal and people do that all the time! but (for me at least) sometimes it’s useful to acknowledge those feelings, and understand that even if they seem irrational for the situation you’re facing, that’s okay and those feelings are still valid. and it’s ok to allow yourself time to take a break and make sure that you’re actually in a mindset where you’re able to actually ENJOY the things you like :)

[nagichi-boop]

My friend sent this video to me and it annoyed me. I never asked for medical advice but she sent it anyways. I told her I don’t really believe in “use my product to cure your illness” money grab type videos (not using that phrasing though) and she said she just wants me to feel better. But the problem is that I didn’t ask for this advice - she just assumed I wanted it. I don’t think she was ill-intentioned, but she’s projecting her own anxieties onto me. I have accepted my health limitations, but she is now trying to ‘fix’ me without me asking her to. Being sick sucks, but I know that I have to accept and adjust to my circumstances. She is projecting her worries onto me by insisting there’s a simpler answer or fix to my problems, because if that were true, it would make her feel better. It’s really invalidating.

In the past, she has also dismissed my chronic pain and my constant tiredness as being a result of stress. I know that things like trauma and mental illness can cause physical health issues, but it’s also invalidating to dismiss health concerns like that. It just feels like a polite way of saying “it’s all in your head, just think positive!” Like sure, my knee crackles when I bend it because I’m stressed. (/s)

I hate being chronically ill. It’s annoying enough to be sick all the time, but I can handle it for the most part. People’s unsolicited opinions and advice is what ticks me off. No, I don’t want your TikTok cure-all. Yes, I have tried exercising and fixing my sleep schedule. If you’re only here to insist I’m okay or that there’s a simple fix to my health, please go away.

[aroaceconfessions]

hey there! i know that only you can decide your labels and such and i agree,

but after a lot of questioning and deliberating, i think i know how i’m going to identify! aroace, because i’d like to kiss people and hold hands and cuddle and do traditionally romantic gestures such as living together, but also poly! because it just sounds lovely to have maybe one or two people who i can understand and feel safe with and kiss and maybe, like, literally sleep together with! so this just makes me really happy:D — and i hope that one day, i can find someone to ‘date’ who’s okay with the fact that i can’t have a crush on them or want to sleep with them (while i don’t mind being in a romantic relationship, sex is off the table for me).

so i just wanted to ask if all of that is okay, and still makes me aroace and poly? sometimes i feel like i’m just looking for attention and i’m too young to know what i really want. but i don’t think i’ve ever had a crush and the concept sounds absolutely incomprehensible to me, and i know that i’ve never and never will be sexually attracted to someone, so i think that i am aroace, but wanting a romantic or queerplatonic relationship, maybe w/ multiple partners, doesn’t invalidate any of that, right?

on a more positive note!! would like to say that i came out to one of my best friends as aroace a few days ago, and not only was she supportive and reassuring and sweet about it, even getting a bit protective about it, she listened to everything that i said about maybe wanting to date despite not feeling the way that most people do! i said that i liked holding hands, and she said that it was sweet. i’ve seen a lot of similar stories on this blog w/ ppl whose loved ones don’t react as well, so i just wanted to share this to show that you can have friends, in real life, who are not aroace, but go out of their way to support you and make you feel loved! it’s a really, really nice feeling.

💛💛

[scotianostra]

ugust 20th 1872, saw the death of the Scottish "the laureate of the nursery", William Miller.

Miller was born in Glasgow in 1810 and spent most of his boyhood in what is now the city’s Parkhead area. His ambition to become a surgeon was ended by serious illness and he was eventually apprenticed as a wood-turner. He became a skilled craftsman, developing a particular talent for cabinet-making. Early in his life he began writing poetry and children’s rhymes, mainly in the Scots language he used in everyday life.

His song Wee Willie Winkie along with other verse by Miller, first appeared in Whistle Binkie: Stories for the Fireside, a compendium of songs, in 1841, it went on to appear in further editions of that and many, many more publications since then. However it was not received well at first, indeed the editor of Whistle-Binkie,David Robertson was not keen on the grumpy figure personifying sleep and it was received with mixed opinions by Robertson’s friends. To settle the dissent, he dispatched the manuscript to R. M. Ballantyne of Edinburgh (who had himself contributed much to the publication and was the writer of over 100 books in his lifetime) who asserted, according to the Perthshire Advertiser that:

“There is not at this moment in the whole range of Scottish songs, anything more exquisite in its kind than that little Warlock of the Nursery, “Wee Willie Winkie.”

Miller suffered from ill health throughout his life and never managed to make a career solely as a poet and continued to work as a cabinet-maker and wood-turner for most of his life, most of the time from his own house, he did however have his fans, Lord Jeffrey, founder of the prestigious Edinburgh Review, being one, another was the Countess of Selkirk, and it was during one of his bouts of illness it became known she helped the erstwhile poet out when reported in The Glasgow Herald in 1846 that…:

“We learn that the Countess of Selkirk has transmitted to Mr David Robertson of this city, by the hands of the Rev.Mr Underwood of Kirkeudbright, the sum of £2, for behoof of William Miller, the author of “Wee Willie Winkie,” &c.; her Ladyship having been impressed with a favourable opinion of the poet from having perused his Nursery Rhymes. Mr Miller is so much improved, that he is now able to pursue his occupation of a wood-turner.”

In November 1871, an ulceration of the leg forced William give up his trade. Despite the increasing frailties of his body, his mind remained as sharp as ever and he continued to write and disseminate poetry, works which appeared in publications such as The Scotsman. Learning of his condition as an invalid, The Greenock Telegraph and Clyde Shipping Gazette on the 1st March 1872 urged its readers to furnish monetary contributions ‘for this deserving old poet:

WILLIAM MILLER THE POET.

“Perhaps the most delicious nursery song that has been written by a modern minstrel for the delectation of the “bairns” in these northern regions is the song of “Wee Willie Winkie.” We are sorry to hear that the writer of it has for a long time past been an invalid, and that he is in poor circumstances. William Miller has a strong claim on the public for some help to smooth his declining years. He is now upwards of sixty, and at his advanced age, afflicted as he is with serious disease of the limbs, there is no prospect of his ever being able again to resume work. By trade he is a wood turner, and he resides in Glasgow, of which city he is a native. One who knows him says that his heart seems still young, his mind still vigorous; but he feels his position irksome and his spirit galled that he cannot now, as formerly, earn by the swear of his brow the bread of independence.”

You have to love the language of the day used in these newspapers!

The following July, Miller stayed at Blantyre for a time, hoping that the town’s airs – the settlement was 8 miles from Glasgow – would reinvigorate him. The trip proved futile and he was soon returned to his son’s house in the city, having suffered a paralysis of the lower limbs. He passed away, destitute, at the age of 62 on the 20th August, 1872.

The poet subsequently received a number of obituary notices in the newspapers lamenting the loss of this Scottish talent. The account below, in The Greenock Telegraph and Clyde Shipping Gazette on the 22nd August, 1872), reports the grim news:

DEATH OF WILLIAM MILLER, THE POET

“The death is announced of William Miller, the nursery poet. He was born in Glasgow in August, 1810. He was early apprenticed to a wood turner, and by diligent application to business made himself one of the best workmen of his craft; and even in his later years there were few who could equal him in the quality of his work. It is, however, as a poet that he is known to fame. In his early youth he published several pieces in the Day and other newspapers; but from the fact that no record of these productions was observed, it is impossible to know when they issued from his pen.

The first thing that brought him into public notice was the publication of the nursery song “Willie Winkie.” The MS. of this song was sent to Mr. Ballantine in Edinburgh, who gave it unqualified praise, as being the very best poem of its kind that he had ever seen. This led to the publication of the poem, and it at once attracted a large amount of attention. This was followed by a number of other pieces of a similar description, all of which were received with great favour, and led to the author’s acquaintance with Lord Jeffrey and other gentlemen of literary tastes.

The best of his nursery songs which have obtained for him the well-earned title of the Laureate of the nursery were all written before he was 36 years of age; but it was not till 1863 that, at the request of several friends, he collected together and published a small volume, entitled “Nursery Songs and other Poems.” It had a wide circulation and has earned for the author a reputation that will never decay.

Miller is buried in Tollcross Cemetery in a plot that does not bear his name a sad state of affairs that led to friends and admirers raising a memorial stone by public subscription and it stands in the Glasgow Necropolis, near the Bridge of Sighs.

In 2009, Glasgow City Council unveiled a tribute to the poet at his former dwelling, 4 Ark Lane in Dennistoun, erecting a bronze plaque on the wall of the Tennent’s Brewery which now sits on the site of William Miller’s house. A blue plaque in the Trongate also serves as a quirky tribute to his most famous creation, declaring that ‘Wee Willie Winkie was spotted here in his nightgown’ in 1841.

It is clear that, even now, William Miller’s pyjama-clad figure still urges children to get into their beds and sleep as a nursery song learnt and replayed the world over

Here is the Scots version of ‘Wee Willie Winkie,’ a rhyme anglicised very soon after its publication:

Wee Willie Winkie runs through the toon,

Up stairs and doon stairs, in his nicht-goon,

Tirling at the window, cryin’ at the lock,

Are the weans in their bed, for it’s now ten o’clock?

Hey, Willie Winkie, are ye coming ben?

The cat’s singing grey thrums to the sleeping hen,

The dog’s spelder’d on the floor, and disna gie a cheep,

But here’s a waukrife laddie that winna fa’ asleep.

Onything but sleep, you rogue, glow’ring like the mune,

Rattling in an airn jug wi’ an airn spoone,

Rumbling, tumbling round about, crawing like a cock,

Skirlin’ like a kenna-what, wauk’ning sleeping fock.

Hey, Willie Winkie – the wean’s in a creel,

Wambling aff a bodie’s knee like a very eel,

Ruggin’ at the cat’s lug, and raveling a’ her thrums-

Hey, Willie Winkie – see, there he comes!’

Wearied is the mither that has a stoorie wean,

A wee stumple stoussie, that canna rin his lane,

That has a battle aye wi’ sleep before he’ll close an ee

But a kiss frae aff his rosy lips gies strength anew to me.

[aftonfamilyvalues]

I genuinely need therapy, because my mental health is so bad like I trauma dump a lot and I don’t mean to and have a lot of compulsions and addictive behaviors and lack community… i act compulsively a lot. I need to sleep but I’m scared to and don’t really know how to let go/don’t feel safe enough to sleep, I’m constantly afraid of being violated, but it seems like for good therapy you need to pay out of pocket. I’ve never had a therapist in a clinic that wasn’t mediocre and project misogyny onto me and stigmatize me and judge me and make me feel worse, some have flat out been malicious and when I gave them feedback they didn’t like, they will blame me for their bad behavior and gaslight me. A lot of them have invalidated or even minimized my experiences being abused, even sexually abused. They’ll be distracted. I’ve spent a lot of time doing emotional labor (I think a lot of therapists are codependent.

I think a lot of women are socialized to give care but there’s a lot of misogyny in mental health. I was searching for feminist therapists on psychology today, just to see if maybe I could vet out someone who focuses on women’s issues because my trauma is a woman’s issue… I don’t need a therapist gaslighting me as to why I can’t get over my trauma and trust men, that’s not why I’m in therapy to heal so that I can jump into a relationship, I get so panicked when therapists do that because it’s so devaluing.

A lot of them aren’t grounded in reality, like when it comes to male violence and how the system works and ironically a lot I’ve had to explain how narcissism works… and one had never heard of negging; j feel like these are things a therapist should know. It seems like their only purposes is to label and perscribe medications and a lot actually don’t know how trauma works it’s bizarre?

I search and I see “kink positive.” This shit makes me want to die, like kinda feels hard to heal and find connection in a patriarchal system. I feel like I’ll never get out of poverty. Im going to be 32 in April and just now going to school, kinda feel like it’s hopeless hoping I can heal and have the life I want like it’s endless 😅

I’ve only found radical feminist spaces and actual feminist spaces helpful but I try not to trauma dump, sharing trauma in therapy is weird.

Since I’ve been around 4 I’ve wanted to die, I’d be terrified telling my mother I wanted to go home. She hated me for being a victim and denied any sexual abuse and acted so clueless; I blacked out most my childhood and she laughing shared with me that when I was 4 I was crying about wanting to go home. Like I was suicidal at 4 years old and I always hoped that would change but it only gets worse the older I get but then I’m also scared of dying.

Not sure what the point is when things keep getting worse; how do you find “your people” like sane people? I miss when feminism meant something, most people are untrusty.

It’s always felt like hell on earth and Tbh sometimes I miss being delusional and believing in god and heaven.

im sorry youve had those experiences. i think theres a strange over saturation of therapists nowadays. maybe not directly, but of people who really shouldnt be therapists. im thinking of the types of people ive seen want to go into/have gone into therapy and really, so many are not the types of people who should be trying to help others with their issues. i mean, my friend was forced to go to therapy in high school and the only feedback the therapist ever gave was "yeah, your life sucks, id hate to be you"

a lot of them dont really focus on healing but rather "fixing" especially with women. they dont want to validate you, they want you to be "normal" per se and to go back to be useful patriarchal cogs. i think theres a problem on therapists not recognizing where peoples trauma comes from. how can you help someone whose problems stem from poverty if you dont understand how poverty works? from misogyny and patriarchy? from racism? from homophobia? from the establishments which are built upon and utilize these oppressions? the worst are the ones indoctrinated by these systems, that work to strengthen them, like the "kink positive" ones you mentioned. all theyll do is push traumatized individuals, mainly women, back into traumatizing situations.

but overall, i dont really know how to answer your question. ive always had a sane dependable immediate family to fall back on. but there are people out there