i hate you "influencers", i hate you tiktok, i hate you "content creators", i hate you "unalive" and "s€x" and "dr/ügs", i hate you instagram, i hate you consumerism, i hate you family friendly, i hate you puritans, i hate you facebook, i hate you family vloggers, i hate you violating other people's privacy, i hate you modern day social media
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god i hate neurodivergency sometimes because it's like
- misses social cue
- comes off as rude when joking
- comes off as joking when serious
- too much energy (makes people uncomfortable)
- too little energy (makes people uncomfortable)
- not matching energy (see: misses social cue)
- do they hate me or are they just tired and can't match my high energy?
- do i have a crush or a hyperfixation?
- are my friends secretly annoyed by me? overawareness of body language says yes, misinterpreted social cues says no. find out next episode when i say something wrong again!
- rare moment of shared interest and lovely discussion and mutual info dumping
- The Guilt.
- perfectionism
- "you were such a happy kid, what happened?"
- understimulated. need maximum media.
- overstimulated. if that person says one more word i'm gonna combust.
- masking? when? around whom? is it okay if i just don't? "why are you doing that weird thing? (existing as myself)" okayyyy thanks for the feedback never unmasking around you again. close family member. thanks that really made me want to jump out of my skin. yeah no i'm gonna go and scratch my face off now thanks.
- The Guilt (TM) part 2 where it's not anymore about Not Achieving Your Full Potential but about not being able to save the entire world actually. how dare you.
- horrbly affected by hormones. like so goddamn much. i hate how much my feelings towards things and my reactions change depending on my menstrual cycle. like i don't know who i am anymore. which one of the Mes is the real Me. how do i know how i feel about this when every week it's different?
and so on. i'm so tired. why can't people just be straighforward and say what they mean. why the cold shoulder and the awkward fake laughs. i'm so goddamn tired.
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For anyone keeping track (no one), I have started watching the first Avengers film (MCU not the 60s TV show) but only while eating lunch so it's gonna take a while. So far Nick Fury has been assembling the Avengers (the film was initially released in the UK as Avengers Assemble - because of that 60s TV show - but it's not called that on D+ so I'm calling it what the Americans called it, just FYI) even though there's not yet anything for them to avenge as That Suit Guy (j/k I know his name too!!) isn't dead yet, and now they're on THE FUCKING VALIANT FROM DR WHO and I assume we're gonna continue assembling for a while as they're not all there yet.
MEANWHILE Loki (who is neither an alligator nor a woman in this???) is in a SECRET UNDERGROUND LAIR with a bunch of his stans who are... idk something technobabble that involves irridium and anti-protons. He is there looking for the tesseract on behalf of ???? who I know will be revealed 47 films from now as... no, wait, it wasn't, was it? That was just announced on a website or something? So it could be LITERALLY ANYONE. The Avengers (in-progress) also seem to be after that thing, but I have already forgotten why everyone is wanting it, assuming it was mentioned (it probably was).
Thor hasn't shown up yet, but Arrows Hawkeye is working as a Loki Stan and there's Steve Rogers and THE HULK and The Only Woman One, whose power is that she's a Cold War assassin (??) and I think this one is the film where she gets called a cunt (!) and honestly I am not sure which of the men she's getting officially shipped with, I think Arrows Hawkeye though? Fairly sure, as the alternative is that a man and a woman like each other as people but not in a lusty way, which would never happen obviously. (Hey I may ship mostly het* pairings but I don't always like it!)
Based on the Valiant (if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) I am guessing that the film ends with Loki dying in Thor's arms romantically but then I remembered that I know it can't because one of Loki got kidnapped from... either the end of this film or the start of the next one or POSSIBLY just from a later film's time-travel bit (???) but like... maybe they've edited this film secretly and I was right after all? But nobody else has watched it on Disney + recently so nobody knows yet? IT COULD HAPPEN.
Not sure what to make of this film so far, a lot's been going on yet also not much has been going on, and the one I like best so far (Suit Guy) is gonna die (NOT EVEN IN THOR'S ARMS ROMANTICALLY) and god Iron Man really hasn't aged well now that we have that one tech billionaire being a twat in public all the time to remind us what such people tend to be like. WHERE IS THOR????
*I say het but everyone in everything is bisexual, I know this because I thought of it and announced it on tumblr and will now say "I don't make the rules" to make it an objective FACT. I don't make the rules!!!
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One of those texts I kind of need to sit on before I decide how I'm going to word it.
I never know how to start these, but I always have an idea on what to say. Your opinion of me actually matters a lot & the implication that you believe that I lie to you or I'm not doing enough is kinda hurtful. It comes across to me like my effort is worthless to you & that what I want doesn't matter at all. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think you cared, and I know you're going through a lot and shouldn't have to worry about me, but I'm getting mixed signals that are really throwing me off. What do you want from me? Am I asking too much of you and you don't know how to tell me? I sincerely want to be there for you, regardless of what it looks like to get to that point, but if you don't want me there you can tell me! What you want matters just as much, if not more, to me. I'm not the kind of person to be hostile about things if they don't work out. I don't want to be another source of stress or negativity for you, and I don't want you to be afraid of being honest with me. I constantly question if you're just too nice to tell me you aren't interested anymore, and even if you are, I might need more reassurance than you can give me because I don't think I'm very worth it to anyone for anything. If you don't think I'm trying hard enough then tell me what I need to do to change that! I'm at the point of just not knowing what I bring to your life, if anything at all. You don't need to deal with me on top of everything else, so, I'm sorry for this. Even if you don't text me back I'll feel better once I get it out there. The only thing I've ever been afraid of is not communicating exactly how much I care about you & how much you mean to me - even if it doesn't matter to you, or you don't believe me. If there comes a day where we aren't in each other's lives anymore for whatever reason, I don't want either of us to question what could've been said or done differently or regret not doing more.
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that feeling when you're in the middle of moving house and you barely even check whatsapp because you're too braindead and tired from being an adult™️ and then you get an email notifying you that some minor who hasn't realized that when their birthday comes they'll vote in the elections (or be eligible to anyway) and therefore is almost an adult leaving some absolutely nonsensical answer to a post from like three years ago and then tumblr doesn't even let me reply because for some reason the answer won't show on my dash (did the algorythm think it was too hostile? idk but lol)
kid I can't possibly muster up the brain power to actually cp that stupid email after I spent the entire day boxing stuff up but if you're reading here: fictional stuff in general is not about you, you don't even know wtf victim blaming means because if I say a 17yo as almost an adult can generally fuck most people they like especially if it's a fling I'm not blaming them for anything except having fun, I don't even know you and no one says *you* have to date anyone above your age if you don't want to like sorry you're not the main character in the universe's existence
also at 17yo I'd have found the idea of dating anyone below 16yo absolutely unacceptable because they all looked like immature kids to me and I'd have found nothing wrong with fooling around with someone a few years older, am I victim blaming 17yo me now?
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