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sanctus-ingenium · 4 months

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I’m really inspired by your world building and the creatures you use. I’m trying to kickstart my own world using Celtic, Norse and Scottish myths (it also involves werewolves because they’re cool)

But I’m stumped and a bit overwhelmed. How’d you start your project and what were huge sources of inspiration for you as you worked on The Black Horse?

hi there!!! this will probably get wordy i have a lot of thoughts on this but here's how i built up my inver setting

i had the characters first, and the werewolf establishment was basically the first thing invented about the world. I wrote a decent amount about the characters in the pre-1st draft slush pile just getting a handle on their voices, their history together, etc. the first slush draft was in painstaking chronological order telling of their lives from birth to like age 40 - it wasn't pretty to read but it meant I knew what big moments formed their worldview, their relationships with others, things like that. and then i got to pick and choose which ones would feature in the actual 1st draft, and which i would leave unsaid, in flashback form, or only in the form of vague allusions. the plot and world events changed significantly as i wrote the actual 1st draft so this ended up only being useful for backstory stuff and not book plots, but it was still good to have.

There was an important moment of a character being kidnapped into a faery realm, which is what started me off thinking about fairies in general. they weren't originally a part of this world - it was an undefined space before just for the characters to exist in, because i was (and still am) more interested in the characters than the worldbuilding. but i still like for there to be SOMETHING there in the background, and it gives a lot of opportunities to inform characterisation, so i started to make my setting. I picked the Púca as a pivotal being & major inspiration source to include because of its relatively large presence in the fringes of my childhood in stories told by my older relatives and i like the unusual aspects about it as well, how it has been both heroic and malevolent in different stories. you have to remember i grew up in this culture too, i knew a lot already, and that's what got me thinking of alternate Earth history - as in, the setting of Inver as alternate history, not wholly original fantasy set in a fantasy land.

So then I had to think about the implications of that, and here is where I think a lot of authors adapting extant mythology fall short. A world where faeries/mythological monsters/gods based in real cultures exist and people interact with them is indistinguishable from our own. We already live in a world where people interact with faeries in their own way; I've heard many older relatives recount stories of being trapped in their fields by faeries, how you can only escape by taking off your jumper and putting it back on inside out. There was no question as to whether they believed this was a concrete, meaningful interaction with a supernatural being. We have a motorway that was diverted while it was being built because the builders didn't want to risk cutting down a hawthorn tree. There is a deep stigma against harming hawthorns. Now, tell me how things would be any different if faeries were real irl? ftr I do not believe in the supernatural whatsoever, not even a little bit, but it is impossible to deny that I live in a world deeply shaped by it - I need only look out the window at the stands of whitethorn around my house to know that. because the main expression of that supernatural element is in how the people of that culture react.

you cannot, you cannot pick and choose only the monsters from a legend and leave behind the people who made & propagated that legend. you're only taking a single thread from a rich tapestry. I'm not arguing that other cultures should be untouchable, far from it, I'm just saying that to truly appreciate it, you need context for everything you adapt. you gotta know what you're writing about

in that sense, the people are more important to building Inver than the faeries. a citizen of Inver not immediately affected by the main plotline would likely never see or interact with magic in their lifetime, but their society is still shaped by it. so is mine (though that's more on the catholic church than anything else)

So now that I'd had that realisation, I decided to dump a lot of the traditional fantasy tropes I'd been working with. Think basic fantasy setting stuff, pop culture "The Fae" tropes, even the terminology of 'Fae' at all - that is not something I've ever heard the older generation in my life call them. It's just 'fairies' to them (although I did shift the spelling to match the Yeats poem because I could not handle writing characters making accusations of being A Fairy and have it not come across as a unintentionally homophobic accusation lmao). I did some research; mostly on JSTOR, using my institutional access, because my own university is mostly science and didn't have a big library of anthropological texts. I read An Táin Bó Culainge which is honestly one of the greatest stories of all time PLEASE READ IT if you are at all interested in Irish myth. It is a fantastic story and extremely comedic as well (a canon mmmf foursome lol). In terms of academic sources specific to the Púca, I have a drive folder of pdfs I will share with anyone if they ask.

I decided I was not going to include anything from what people actually think of as pre-christian Irish mythology - no fianna [rangers notwithstanding], no Ulster cycle, no Tuatha Dé, no Irish gods. All the things I include are post-colonial aside from the notion of the Otherworld in general. This decision wasn't necessarily accurate to what might have happened in this alternate history (given that christianity still has no real foothold in Inver) but it is a colonised society after all. It's why I got slightly steamed once when someone filed my Púca art into their irish deities/irish polytheism tag (I have my own issues with iripols/gaelpols for the same reason I dislike people taking myths out cultural context and in this case contemporary cultural context), because the Púca is in fact a postcolonial being - it comes from the UK, and likely the mainland as well

One of the last things I did before starting on my 2nd draft, which is what turned into Said the Black Horse, was decide to always capitalise the word 'Púca'. Because what really clicked from doing my research and remembering what I'd heard as a child was that the Púca is a specific character. Not a species, not a class of monster. A character, one guy. And you'll find this everywhere - the obvious example is the Minotaur being one specific guy, the son of Minos, not just 'a minotaur'. One very funny consequence of speciesifying mythological characters is dnd ppl saying their character is A Firbolg (fir bolg is plural!!). Fantasy bestiary books like Dragonology or Spiderwick Chronicles have done some amount of damage to how people relate to myths and legendary creatures, and I am not immune as someone who loves speculative biology, but in Inver I decided to cut all of that out.

Next once I got that out of the way I had to think about tone, atmosphere, and intended results. I didn't achieve my holy grail of a very atmospheric, undefined, and uncertain story that provides no answers, due to limitations in my own abilities, but I tried. I have given less than 1 second of thought to how magic or faery biology in Inver works because that is not conducive to the atmosphere of a fairytale. Many of these source myths and legends are really about the fear of the unknown. They are rationalisations to explain away something unknown, some mystery of life, and you cannot explain the unexplainable and expect it to carry the same punch as the original myths that you are drawn to adapt. That's also why I try to never actually give facts about fairies, but instead I talk about what people think of them. The word 'considered' does some insanely heavy lifting in that linked post lmao. Is any of what I wrote true with regards to the Red King?? It is for the people who believe it.

I'm saying all of this because these are all points I had to think about before writing that 2nd draft, but also because I think they're worth considering for your own story as well. I'll admit I invented my werewolves from scratch, they have no mythological basis, because they pre-date the faery stuff and also I wanted them to fill a very specific role and appear a little more concrete than the other supernatural elements. It is what it is; I wanted a werewolf element that didn't match myths and legends (and honestly was partially inspired by me rolling my eyes about those posts going around moaning and whining about 'the doggification of werewolves missing the point of werewolf stories'. I thought, well, there's more than one story you can tell with a werewolf - it isn't always 'i fear the beast within', sometimes it's something else! sometimes it's daddy issues! it's okay to make something new)

ok i think that's all i have to say.. modern Inver is a bit different, that worldbuilding is largely the same but with a big dose of actual ecology because the main characters are rangers and in Inver in 2017, rangers mostly do environmental monitoring. and that's a whole different sort of worldbuilding lol

good luck with your story!!

#me about to write literally anything: this will probably get wordy #mvf #setting: inver

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headspace-hotel · 1 year

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so, in regards to your recent posts on kane-tucky and usa food industry, do you / how do you keep active hope and not slip in into apathy and "looking out for my own" get out of dodge mentality? im having a hard time articulating this, but what makes you not curl up into a shaking mess in anger resentment and a deep desire for change that likely, if ever, wont happen in our lifetime.... any advice is appreciated

The short answer is "getting out and doing stuff in the real world, educating, volunteering, whatever is within your ability"

I will add that "looking out for your own" is not...bad. Like I don't know precisely what you mean by this phrase, but it's actually very important to come to terms with the fact that your impact is strongest where your feet touch the ground, and you have a responsibility and relationship to the people immediately around you, the place immediately around you.

This has not been a popular opinion of mine in the past, but...you can't and shouldn't care about literally everything on the planet. There is of course huge global disparity with access to resources and aid networks, and the largest communities we belong to are: all of Earth and the whole human species.

However: your level of agency is so low with issues that are happening on the other side of the world from you, compared with issues that are happening in your home town. And we're seeing people just get completely burned out from compassion fatigue without ever doing shit because the global responsibility is pushed on us and the local responsibility is not.

I hated my hometown for a decade. In high school I wanted so badly to leave. It's one of those desolate-feeling towns that's developed enough for a shopping center and big chain retailers but not enough to have a sense of community or a single bookstore. I've never been able to place myself precisely along the urban-rural spectrum because I feel isolated from even isolation: there's nowhere to go that doesn't feel razed by human development, where you can't hear the noise of traffic on roads, but it's all cattle pastures, sprawling storage facilities, auto parts stores, big, empty churches. One wrong turn will put you in a dark valley where there are rotting, derelict trailers on cinder blocks hidden back in the woods, and this place has that same feeling of "nowhere to go."

And I felt paralyzed by everything bad happening around the world and the fact that I was just one person, and I had gotten the horrible impression that the only thing I could do about anything was vote and donate money to links I saw online. The worst lie the internet taught me was that in saving the world, nothing matters except Power, Money, and an unclear third category that involves throwing bricks at cops.

But I touched grass. And the weeds taught me something. Do you see the parking lots, the harsh pavement and gravel and brick? I saw. I was surrounded by this landscape of brutal, totalitarian surfaces, impermeable concrete locking the soil away. But in the cracks in the surfaces, dandelions, purslane, and spurge were thriving.

I observed that the spurge stretched out like a shaggy rug and padded the concrete surfaces. The old leaves of the dandelions, as they withered, caught bits of dirt as it flowed into drainage ditches after rains. Soil was forming, and the sprawling structure of the early weeds seemed specially adapted for the task. In older cracks, more plants moved in; I found a wild ruellia blooming in a paved road, an evening primrose. And in some places, seedling trees.

Have you seen what happens when a sidewalk is left unmaintained for years? It disappears. The roots slowly buckle and break it into pieces, and it vanishes beneath lush leaves and moss. A tree growing in a crack in concrete will slowly pry the slab apart.

This is how my IRL rewilding project got started—just pulling plants from the pavement cracks, raising them in pots. I was surprised and awed at the resilience of the plants. I found little trees in concrete with at least two years' growth on them, that had survived being mowed down multiple times.

The weeds changed my viewpoint on the world forever. Up until that point, certain facts about power and politics and money had seemed like law, but I'd suddenly seen that there was a deeper magic.

The dandelions' survival made it possible for others to survive, which in turn made even more life flourish. They could not demolish and remove the concrete and pavement, but they could overcome it by refusing to be destroyed, because the power to take care of each other is in their nature.

People have made fun of me for telling others to go plant a tree. I think culturally we have this ingrained dismissal of things like that due to the twee, cutesy associations of "tree hugging" environmentalists, except in this instance it's because planting a tree is pointless in light of something something systemic issues, not because climate change isn't real, or...whatever reason people have for finding environmentalists cringe. (That is kinda sus now that I think about it.)

And I'm not saying planting a tree will fix climate change. I'm saying that something in my brain had broken and planting a tree unbroke it.

Go outside. Touch grass. Do the work in the immediate community you belong to, in the place you are in, where you have the best and most impact. We have the power to take care of each other, and that power grows stronger the more we are cared for.

The internet is a good place to share information, but that's fucking it. The real stuff, the stuff you can touch with your hands, the stuff that will heal despair, is out there in the real, touchable world. You need to see and feel what you are doing. Don't just give help—accept it. The power to take care of each other is in our nature, and by nature we can give more when we thrive as a result of others' care.

I hope this helps.

#plants #gardening #dandelions #rewilding #plantarchy

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starzshopoflove · 8 months

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Civil Duties (Simon "Ghost" Riley x Reader)

needed a title i think

Notes: fem reader! i hc ghost doesn't wear a mask when he's off duty, this is just whatever rot my mouse brain creates, age gap but not to crazy, sfw mostly ,size kink if you squint, literally just me projecting onto reader sorry i'm terrified of men irl, no smut guys simon doesnt fuck on the first date erm,,

You were probably gonna throw up out of pure anxiety texting him, not like you were scared but this wasn't some guy from school or a random guy who hit on you, this man was an actual man, like he's probably had real relationships and has his own health insurance (both false ahem). Of course you eventually bite the bullet and text him, exchanging basic information; your name, how old you were, what your hobbies are.

After 2-3 days of consistent messaging mostly on your end with Simon preferring an actual phone call letting you do most of the talking assuring you he doesnt think your rambling and is in fact listening, he finally asks you out for a proper date because his mother raised a gentleman that doesn't call it grabbing coffee then tells you its a date.

I feel like simon would try and clean up a little bit for a first date, you're not some barrack bunny he fucks with a mask on and never sees again!! So he’ll get his hair trimmed, shave his stubble, wear his nicer slacks instead of his usual worn jeans and iron his shirt before seeing you. Checking to make sure he didn't look dirty or smell so you wouldn't make that face from what he was hoping wasnt from him.

He’ll call you from outside the bookshop were your family flat was above and let you know he's here while you basically stomp around upstairs running to do the final touches on your makeup, making sure the dress you decided to wear wasn't too short and your hair wasn't standing on ends while you held the phone between your ear and shoulder hopping on one foot trying to get your shoe while you told him you’d be right down.

Simon, who checks his watch ( yes he has a watch this man is OLD) while waiting for you only turning his head when he hears your quick steps making way down the staircase in the back of the shop and patterning of your shoes across the store floor where you make your somewhat grand entrance out of the shop. He just kind watches you grip the door frame and place a hand on your knee to catch your breath because he doesn't know you basically just did 2 hours worth of hair, nails and makeup in 45 mins and still pulled it off.

“You look nice” was all he could choke out because he can't simply throw you over his shoulder and take you home and let you be his little live in girlfriend (dw give him time it'll happen)

You straighten yourself swallowing silently to yourself basically eating him alive with your eyes praying he can't tell (he can't hes busy thinking about how your gonna be late for lunch and doesn't want the good tables to get taken) letting your lips pull that stupid smile you have when your reading the softest part of a book where the mc finally gets what she needs.

“Really?” Of course when you said that it had to come with a little giggle that tickled his ears because that kind sound doesn’t come to often especially when he can see your face burning just a little and your fighting the fattest grin

“Absolutely”

Simon seems like the kinda guy to take you somewhere family run for lunch, quiet but the best damn food you’ll ever eat. Course you chat and you nudge him some of your fries where he placing some of the meat from his plate onto your (THAT'S NOT THE MEAT WE WANT) and you share a little “oh thats good” over your conversation that ends with you both deciding to go on a walk around the square

You’re just fucking eating up everything the whole time, actually hearing him talk more with that sweet deep mank accent while you explain the plot to some mystery book the shop stocked recently after he mentioned he liked the author, or when he picked his glass up for a drink and his arm flexed a little, oh my god you wanted to climb this man like a tree and pick his brain apart.

Obviously Simons is a very attractive man but you like your men with some sorta substance, and he has plenty. The way he actually listened to you and had questions on whatever you were saying, not making you feel like you were suffocating him because he happily listened to your blabbering about the latest new installment in a series you've been keeping up with or when you had to explain the concept of reddit to him to explain a story. It was nice, like he didn't mind you had so much in your head and was happy to let you spill it out

You’re like a breath of fresh air for Simon, most of his time off a mission is spent reading anything in a park or at the gym just trying to make the time pass quicker till his next mission, he didn't know what made him give you his number but seeing you twice in one day didn't feel like something he could ignore. Your hands were as soft as they looked, and you didn't smell like smoke or gunpowder, you didn't care that he wasn't super talkative because that look in your eye told him you know he was listening, he especially liked how you didn’t push when he said he just did “contracting” for work

When the date ended with you both walking back to the shop and you both stood in front of the big glass door quiet and awkward while you shifted from one foot to another not yet ready to leave. At Least not without a kiss, least you could do to say thank you for letting talk your ear off.

“Simon”

“Yeah?”

“Somethin on your cheek c’mere”

There's was literally nothing on his cheek but he still leaned down to you indulging whatever you had in mind, when you hooked a finger on the collar of his shirt tugging his face much closer

“Still cant see it?” He gruffed out letting your eyes meet his while his hands made fists in his jacket pockets trying not to just jump out and hold you by the cheeks

“Def can now ‘ts right here”

You tugged the shirt a little closer, slotting your lips onto a small hum leaving you when his tongue licked your bottom lip with you happily obliging parting just enough for your tongues to slide over each other, before pulling away.

“Did ya get it?” hes got a stupid grin now too not as wide and bright as your but its there

“Mhm”

You did you it *confetti*

#cod mw2 #simon riley x reader #simon riley #cod mw x reader #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost cod #ghost x reader #mw2022 #ghost call of duty #sorry i just love civilian reader x ghost

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 7 days

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aita for flirting with my online friend 🌐❓

i (20s, trans man) have been getting closer to my online friend (same as me). we were mutuals for a while in what i can best describe as an online writing community but only started actually talking last year when i approached him to do a project together. we've been pretty strictly platonic for the last year but this year it's ramped up a bit (in part i think due to greater proximity)- we make a lot of sexual jokes at each other. now that's not necessarily a big deal because we do it at other male (and not male in his case) friends of ours, its just sort of how our circle interacts with each other, but it's a bit different for me because i do actually have somewhat of a crush on him. i'm not super sure of how he feels towards me, but i do think he knows at least partially how i feel and is at least humouring our banter.

now here's where i feel like an asshole. i have no intention of dating him at all- even if he does like me back, the reality is that we live on two entirely separate continents and neither of us have the financial means to go see each other. now you could suggest we date long distance or online but i've done that like 4 different times now with 4 different people and i just know it doesn't work for me, for a variety of reasons i won't get into. just trust me when i say it would end poorly. i'm not on speaking terms with any of my exes (nor do i want to be, bar one) and my friend is important enough to me that if we ended up like that then i'd be really upset about it. usually when i break up with someone or am broken up with i'm left with a lot of resentment and bitterness. plus our writing project would be tanked, which i'm not willing to jeopardise because i think it's excellent, he's a great partner.

in addition to that i'm only a few months out of a pretty rough breakup with someone i also had viewed as a close friend (irl, not online). i'm not conflating them here, because they aren't alike whatsoever, but i worry that im using my friend as an emotional rebound to cope with what my ex did to me, even if he doesn't know it. i don't want my ex back and i am honestly still feeling a lot of anger towards him, so it's been nice putting my attention and libido elsewhere. however i know how shitty it feels to be someone else's rebound guy and would hate to do that to my friend. plus i could be stunting my own healing progress?? idk

it initially was just a bit of fun but i've had to privately and seriously talk myself down from getting jealous as fuck when my friend has had other people jokingly (or not jokingly, who knows) flirt with him. i'm a pretty intense person (hi, bpd) so i've been trying to reign myself back and keep things chill and funny between us but i'm getting kind of concerned whether i should stop entirely so my feelings go away or if im fine enjoying giving and being given attention in return, even if it doesn't lead anywhere. even just liking him is kind of breaking three of the rules i'd set for myself after my last few relationship disasters (no more online stuff, no more white boys, let my brain cool down and dont be interested in anyone for at least a year) so i kind of just don't know where i should be taking this if anywhere

#aita #am i the asshole

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zorlok-if · 1 year

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Hi everybody,

It's been a while. Sorry that I've been gone so long without explanation or communication, I've been in a bad place. For more info check under the cut. Otherwise, hello! I'm alive and so is this project. Progress has been stalled and will continue to be stalled because this is a hobby and I have to focus on priorities. That doesn't mean that it's dead. I still intend to release everything when I can. I appreciate your support and interest.

Hope you're all well! 😊

Albie

(cw: discussion of bad mental health, anxiety, and depression; school shooting mention)

Okay, hello! Welcome to the rest of this post.

Basically, I've been in a bad mental place for a long time and have a lot of issues that I've left unaddressed or festering—most of which tie back to depression, anxiety, fear, and self-loathing.

To start, I wasn't able to graduate this past winter because I fell one class short of my requirements. That really sent me into a spiral and put a strain on my interpersonal relationships.

Then I tried to take that last class this spring but fear related to recent school shootings exacerbated and activated some bad ND habits and I won't be able to complete this course. That means I still won't be able to graduate until I find some online equivalent or professor who will allow me to remain fully remote.

Around the time I found out I wouldn't be graduating, I also got some really cruel anon hate which added onto how I was already feeling and made me hesitant to put anything else out online.

Other things have happened: family stuff, work stuff, health stuff, sociopolitical stuff, etc. (I don't want to go into details with some and won't burden you with the rest). But, essentially, I found myself at a darker place than normal. I withdrew into myself and have been stewing in crippling self-loathing while wearing a convincing smile in my everyday life. (being really honest with this stuff so that if anyone else is going through/experienced something like this they can know they're not alone)

Fortunately, I was able to get away for a bit and spent some time with loved ones I rarely get to see. I've also made a few irl friends recently and feel like I'm coming back out of my shell and starting to heal after traumatic events and relationships. For the first time in a long time, I feel invigorated. I mean, I still feel like stinking trash, but garbage with a will to live and better itself.

As of right now, I'm moving out and finding more work so I can better support myself financially.

If you've read all this going, where's the Zorlok/(other game) update? Here you go: I've been working on Zorlok somewhat, but in the situation/place where I was at, found myself unable to justify dedicating a lot of time to writing and struggling to feel confident about what I was creating when I actually did sit down to do so. This project is in no way dead and I want to work on it and release games more than anything, but I owe it to myself and other people in my life to keep my priorities in check.

This is a hobby and in the past I dedicated time to it when I should've been doing other things. As long as this is a hobby, I can no longer take time away from my priorities to do something I just want to do (no matter how badly I want to do it). So, that's where we're at. I'm continuing to focus on critical things and stop feeling like a jerk for doing that. I know that this might disappoint some people, but that's how things are right now.

If you want to know more about where things are literally at: I'm close to finishing a heavily updated and expanded prologue but episode one has been undergoing changes. I feel pretty shit about myself and that's seeped into my view on what I create which is in turn stalling my ability to make meaningful progress that I don't immediately want to destroy. I've worked on potential Patreon content (including an exclusive game and a Creating Goncharov director's cut), made a Twine template and tutorial, and made progress on updates for Mousetrap and System Processing. I've avoided making changes to the Zorlok page (and my other itch.io pages) these past few months since I don't want people getting their hopes up seeing some sort of "update" from itch.io—only for that update to be "there's no game update yet." That's why those are still out of date, but I'll be fixing them as soon as I can.

So, that's where we are. I wish that I had way more to talk about and release, but that's not been a possibility and I'm just going to be upfront and honest—even if I am disappointed and somewhat afraid and ashamed to admit it. (that's it for the game updates, the rest just gets back to personal)

In general, I've always struggled with shame and fear and those are the main culprits for why I've been radio silent until now. I couldn't find a way to address these topics or talk about them without my odious inner critic getting triggered and shutting me down. However, I'm trying my best to not listen to that asshole because this (*gestures at everything*) must stop.

To be honest, I'm not content with prolonged existence anymore. I want to live—and that's more than I've been able to say for a long time. To be perfectly honest, for the past decade or so I've lived simply because others wanted me around, not because I wanted to be here. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of indifference being my best hope for how I feel about myself. I'm tired of forcing an apathetic soul to drag my flesh through the muck of living. I don't expect what I experience to improve, in fact things will definitely be getting tougher, but I want to change how I experience it. I want to actively live rather than passively slip by. I want to answer questions like "what do you want to do with your life?" and "what are your plans?" with more than vague shrugs and dead-hearted replies meant to brush people off the topic of the future. I want to stop passing through life as a ghost.

I'm still trying to find the motivation, purpose, or courage to genuinely live for myself instead of existing for other people. I still haven't found my "spark"—that properly and blissfully selfish reason to live—but I think wanting to search is a good start.

Anyways, I'll be around more and I'll be more honest with where I am and what's going on. It's my personal mission to deny fear's control over my life and actions. Part of that means allowing myself to be more open with people even if I'm afraid of judgment or negativity.

Excluding a few outliers, you've all been exceptionally kind and encouraging. I'm always overwhelmed and astonished with the support that's been shown to me and my creative projects and I appreciate you all. Thank you so much. Thank you for reading through this. Thank you for caring. You're part of why I'm around.

I hope that you're having a lovely day/night/et cetera and if you aren't, you're not alone ❤️.

I'll see you around. 😊 Thanks again,

Albie

#hi #albie's corner #update #but not a game update #sorry #just a general update #personal

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nightcolorz · 9 months

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Can you talk a little more about how you view gender roles in the vampire chronicles vs amc iwtv bc I feel like sth is missing from amc compared to tvc that i can't place

I would love to !! (Explodes) I have so many tvc gender thoughts. So so many.

I believe the major disconnect between the show vs the books and gender is the place and perspective the writer’s are coming from. Something I really love about Anne Rice’s writing (and really hate sometimes lol) is that she didn’t think about themes or implications at all when she wrote. She just purged her story onto the page and themes and patterns just end up there. This means that every bit of consistency and meaning in tvc comes from something Anne Rice had fixed into her subconscious that she without realizing is putting into her work. So when it comes to gender, in tvc it’s all personal feelings of Anne rice’s. This differs in the show that obviously has a team of writers who put a lot of thought in about public reception and meaning and all. So these perspectives color how gender (and everything basically) is presented.

Anne Rice had some complicated feelings about gender. I’m not going to go too deep into that bcus that’s not what I want this post to be about, but in summarization she had a combination of problematic biases and internalizations that came from a Catholic upbringing in the 40s-50s and some apparent gender dysphoria or at least disconnect with womanhood and gender/gender roles in general. She’s spoken about not understanding gender or feeling like a woman. This comes off very strongly in how she presents her vampires as androgynous, almost genderless beings. It’s a reoccurring theme in tvc that vampirism takes away the burdens of gendered expectations and gives vampires the freedom of self expression and androgyny. It makes sense why a concept like this would speak to a trans person like me, so it’s a big part of why I prefer the book’s handling of gender. Of course Anne Rice also has problematic gender biases, so her presentation of being an androgynous being free of gender roles is flawed, since gender roles are very ingrained in her mindset, which adds to my dissatisfaction with the show’s handling, which could’ve been so good if they took what Anne Rice tried to do and enhanced it.

Anyways, when it comes to tvc there’s also Anne Rice’s subconscious projection of her irl struggles onto her characters. A handful of Anne Rice’s insecurities and struggles came from, well, being a woman, and since her characters r so much of the time vessels to vent her problems through, a strange occurrence happens where her vastly male cast is struggling in ways that would be relatable to women and people who face misogyny and/or internalized misogyny. (Cough cough this is especially apparent with Louis and Armand cough cough).All of this wasn’t conscious on Anne Rice’s part, it’s just a natural consequence of how personal her writing was. An outlier to the “cis men experiencing misogyny” phenomenon is Gabrielle, who I could write a whole essay on, one of the few afab characters who also has projected gender problems by Anne Rice syndrome, but since she is afab she just ends up coming off as a gnc/transmasc/ftm person dealing with gender dysphoria.

Then there’s the show, which disclaimer I like the show a lot, but boy do I have Issues with it. I could be wrong, we only have one season, but it doesn’t seem like the show is attempting to tackle the “vampires are genderless” concept. They definitely do things with androgyny and gender roles, but not in the context of “messing around with/being free of these things is amazing”. Vampirism in iwtv seems to only enforce gender, weirdly enough. Let me explain!

Ok, so what the show seems to be doing with gender roles is using the concept of a “nuclear family” and our expectations of what that entails to assert the dynamic of Louis, Lestat, and Claudia’s familial relationship. Through utilizing tropes and imagery associated with a nuclear family the viewers are easily able to pick up on the subtext and conflicts that the show is presenting us with, bcus we all know the nuclear family. I think comparing the rue royal family to a nuclear family is interesting in concept, but in execution, I’m not a fan. I think if the show went a different route, and had Louis frame the story in a way that compares his life to familiar hetero, mortal family conventions for the sake of being sympathetic and understandable to Daniel and readers, without that being the literal dynamic of the characters, that could’ve been interesting. Also, I like the concept of oppressive systems like gender roles becoming oppressive in different ways for vampires, since “vampirism isn’t freeing it just gives u different problems” is a theme of the show that I rlly like, esp bcus Anne rice was rarely able to decide if vampirism was super fun or tortuous. But that doesn’t seem to be what the show is doing. Lestat, Louis, and Claudia literally just fit into your stereotypical abusive nuclear family tropes. Sometimes things are switched around and subverted, but for the most part it’s pretty consistent. Anne Rice’s personal projections onto the characters is nearly nonexistent, most glaringly for Lestat. I don’t like this, it doesn’t make sense for the characters, and it also simplifies their dynamic and conflict in the book to be much less interesting in my opinion.

Sometimes the show will show us characters breaking gender expectations, Lestat occasionally or Antoinette cross dressing (speaking of Antoinette I’ll get to her), but none of these moments seem to mean anything adjacent to “vampires are genderless or gender-fluid and this is freeing for them. These moments seem to align more closely with imagery associated with queer coded villains during the Hayes code era. Both Lestat and Antoinette are being particularly grotesque and villainous during their gnc moments, which aligns with the old hollywood vibe that the show seems to be going for, which is mildly cool, but not particularly compelling or relatable to me beyond that. And it definitely doesn’t have the type of resonance that the books do when it comes to gender nonconformity.

So, I think Antoinette is the prime example of this. Antoine in the books was a young man, 19 years old, who Lestat used in a way that was reminiscent of how a cheating husband would use a mistress. He fooled around sexually with this younger man and also confided to him in ways he didn’t his “husband” (Louis), escaping to him when he was fed up with his family at home to blow off steam and vent his struggles, the way he does with Antoinette in the show. But Antoine himself did not have the stereotypical personality of a “mistress”, he was naive and well intentioned, didn’t realize he was being used and that Louis was being hurt in the process. When Lestat tells him that he needs his help fighting back against his family he’s horrified and confused. Antoinette in the show is not this, she’s very much a “mistress”, and the sex change from book to show makes this even more annoying to me. It just seems like the show writers wanted to make the subtextual coding of Antonine’s character in the books annoyingly unsubtle text, by making Antonine the stereotypical evil and seductive female mistress, which I rlly hate. And also they removed any and all sympathy attached to Antoine’s character in the process. (Side note ik ppl are gonna come at me with “oh but it’s from Louis’s perspective! That’s why Antoinette is treated that way, he hates her! And to that I say there is no evidence to support that, it hasn’t happened in the show, you made it up. And if it’s true and done well I’ll eat my words, but for now my opinion is based on what is in the show, and it prob won’t change until we get new content.)

There’s more, like how Louis fulfills the traditionally female roles in marriage (cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc) which is kind of gnc, but only so that the show can frame him as more of a stereotypical abuse victim, and not to say anything interesting about how vampirism gives people more opportunities to explore gender fluidity in ways they find freeing. The show uses gender roles to non subtly code the characters in ways that are easily digestible and relatable to a cis audience. That’s my main gripe, gender in AMC’s iwtv is very cis.

What I love about the books is how fluid gender is with the characters. Lestat is very feminine and very masculine, so is Louis, these traits can co exist without ever contradicting each other. But ig that was too complicated and varied for the show to want to tackle, just like the complex mutual toxicity of loustat’s relationship, which was dumbed down so much also. I feel like the show writers didn’t know what to do with a gay relationship where both men are feminine and masculine and also both men have complex trauma and traits that make their relationship unhealthy + a hot mess, and instead just reframed loustat to be traditional abusive relationship we’ve seen a billon times in media.

In conclusion, the show could very well change my mind and portray gender/gender roles in a way that I enjoy, but for now I’m unsatisfied. I want to be wrong ultimately. If you like how gender is handled in the show feel free to disagree, but plz don’t come at me with anger. I’m happy to have a discussion, I’m very interested in this topic, but I don’t want to humor you if you’re rude. And if you want to talk more about the books and gender I’d be more then happy, feel free to dm me or send me an ask or reply to this post, I love the androgyny of the books sm and love talking about it. Thank you anon sm for sending the ask <3 I’ve been wanting to talk about this.

#tvc #the vampire chronicles #vampire chronicles #vc #interview with the vampire #iwtv #lestat de lioncourt #louis de pointe du lac #anne rice #iwtv amc #amc interview with the vampire #gabrielle de lioncourt #Tvc meta

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desceros · 4 months

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Re: ableism w/Symphony Donnie: Definitely some internalized ableism but I think that’s unfortunately due to not many people knowing what exactly neurodivergence looks like and how people with it processes things differently.

Like, honestly, my biggest gripe was the recording and even that, for the SPECIFIC context of this story and Donnie as a character, it makes sense. Does it make it right? No, but if Donnie never had to think about these things before, for him it’s the same as recording everything to protect his family. Just something he does.

Also, even though my heart broke with Reader’s at her realization, MULTIPLE times reader has said Donnie says what he means and even at the beginning with the “I like you” thing I was like, “Girl, I’m going to need you to define the relationship with him.”

And I think, with Leo, even when writer’s do write him as neurodivergent, what I’ve read always has him as the he better masker whether it’s explicitly said or not. Idk if Symphony Leo is neurodivergent or not but STILL, reader has picked up that he’s good with masking which usually comes off as charming or “easy breezy beautiful cover girl”.

Idk, maybe because I know a lot of people like Donnie irl but if anything I was more frustrated at the obvious miscommunication between both of them than him directly, because as reader said, she projected her feelings on to him when he’s been super direct with his intentions.

Basically, there are sometimes where I wish people would just realize that processing the same thing between two people doesn’t always look the same and that one isn’t necessarily bad.

well-said, anon-chan!

edit: this got SPOILER!! HEAVY!! for chap. 22 and also soooo long so i'm going to tuck it under a cut. but here's some meta on symphony to explore this a bit since it's something that's very important to me and also... pretty critical to the fic itself! i don't typically like explaining myself outside of the text and letting the fic itself speak but. hm. i suppose i shall let it slide for today!

as you all have hopefully noticed by now, as an author, i like to be. hm. more subtle with things. i prefer to tuck things away versus having things be blatant in the text. and this is kind of coming back to bite me a little with donnie and his neurodivergence, i suspect.

i've tried pretty hard to make it contextually obvious that donnie's autistic. i've all but used the word. the way he behaves and communicates is heavily autism-coded.

meanwhile, the story is from viola-chan's pov, and she's neurotypical-coded (well. as much as i, an adhd-riddled autistic cat in a trenchcoat can manage).

as a result, she doesn't... pick up on donnie's problems with communication. not right away. but here, in this chapter, we see where she finally figures out what their issue has been the entire time:

…Oh. Oh god. He really doesn’t get it. You’d known, of course, that Donnie wasn’t great with people. That he doesn’t communicate well. He doesn’t pick up on cues, or use them himself. No wonder he’s always so frank in his language, you realize. No wonder he’s so comforted by the firm rigidities of science. No wonder he looked so lost. No wonder he was so perplexed.

then, she puts that into practice by being specific and precise with how she talks. and we see that she now knows how to communicate with him in a way that works for both of them. and it works for them:

God; it’s like—a breath of fresh air, you think, staring at him in a little bit of awe. It’s so easy to talk to him, now that you’re just… letting it all out. Being honest. Frank. Infuriating that you hadn’t done this earlier. Feeling your irritation deflate, you nod. “…Okay. You just—need an explanation. Clarification.” “Yes, please,” Donnie gushes, fretting a little.

it's going to take some work. she still takes things he says personally and extrapolates past them (the whole "leo being an important person" thing). but she immediately nips it in the bud and is like. no. we're not doing that anymore. so, going forward, her relationship with donnie is one that's built on learning how to develop this open communication.

of course, it's not perfect, because they're human. donnie twisting her arm into still talking to him by calling in the favor is shitty behavior. a desperate bid to keep someone close that, for some reason, he can't imagine being without. not cool. the recordings of them having sex were shitty behavior to us, people who Know Better. but when violist-chan said 'hey, that's not cool, don't do that' and donnie was given a reason why not to, he just says ok. he might not understand ("but i record everything"). but he acknowledges that there's a concern there, and he agrees to be more conscientious in the future (having a consent sheet).

now then, let's look at leo's behavior in comparison.

donnie's biggest fault was that he didn't know to check in and make sure they were on the same page with everything. leo's fault, on the other hand, is purposeful, manipulative, and cruel. his open admission that he's been manipulating her from the beginning. manipulating donnie. lying to her.

to me, this is much, much worse than what donnie did. even knowing that at some point he starts developing friendly feelings towards her—and some of their interactions were indeed genuine!—i'm with violist-chan here. i'm not going to be digging through every one trying to parse out which ones were real and which ones were him being a dickhead. they're all tainted by the stain of betrayal.

also. because it has come up in a different ask that i will be publishing probably tomorrow bc of spoiler reasons: someone said something to the effect of 'why didn't he just not say anything? he could have taken that to his grave. how selfish'. i will remind you of a conversation between violist-chan and leo that happened in the previous chapter:

“Most of all, he’s honest,” you keep going, tangling your fingers together, staring down at the way they knot at your waist. “If he says something, I can take it at face value. There’s no hidden meaning. Nothing deeper. If he says something feels good, I know it feels good. If he says he likes something, he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. If he asks for something, I don’t need to ask if he’s sure. He asks, so he’s sure. It—It’s a breath of fresh air. If I want to know what he’s thinking, really thinking, all I have to do is ask. And...” [...] Leo’s still as stone for a few moments longer, looking at you like he’s trying to decide if he wants to say something; but finally he relaxes and comes back to you himself. Reaching out, he flicks your forehead, causing you to wince and rub at it.

i think... leo maybe wouldn't have ever said anything about it. but then you said this. how donnie matters to you because he's honest. there's nothing deeper with him. it's all at face value. you never have to worry about what he's doing, what he's thinking. and that i think... really messed with leo. because he knows he hasn't been honest with you. you can't trust what he says at face value. you do have to worry about what he's doing. and for you to say that that's the main thing you love about donnie—it messed with him. so, even though he knew it would jeapordize the relationship with you, even knowing he wanted to put this off for as long as he could, even though, even though, he decides he has to tell you. he has to come clean.

so even though it feels like shitty, selfish behavior... it's actually him trying to do right by her for a change. to conform to what she looks for in a relationship (both romantic and platonic). it just... didn't go over so well, predictably. most people don't like hearing that not one, but two of their most precious relationships were built on a foundation of misunderstandings or lies.

side note. i do headcanon leo as having adhd that primarily manifests itself as an inattentive form. i don't suspect it has much to do with his behavior here... save perhaps for some possible rsd being triggered when violist-chan is like 'ok actually go fuck yourself i'm out of here.' i don't find it particularly relevant to the discussion of ableism, in this context.

so anyway. long post aside. it's... interesting to me. to see people saying 'actually fuck both donnie and leo equally!!! bleh bleh bleh!!!!' i don't know that it's. hm. active ableism. i'm certainly not accusing anyone of the sort. but it is, at the very least, indicative to me that there are a lot of people who don't read into the text as deeply as perhaps i would like on certain character traits, if i had a magic wand to wave.

....and also perhaps just ableism, haha.

#ask tag #symphony tag #rare desceros meta post #symphony meta

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quickreaver · 10 months

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Emptying my brain...

Recently, there was quite a kerfuffle in the SPN fandom, over the realization that several self-proclaimed “BNFs” had been Mean Girling fellow fans into hating on certain other fans and certain other members of the cast of SPN. Thoughts have been percolating around in my head about this for a bit. Here goes... There has already been some discussions of warning about how cult-like these tactics seem: the initial lovebombing, indoctrination, evolving into intimidation and threats if people don't fall in line. The hunger to belong and smug feeling of group-think is a helluva drug. The fear of losing favor and being ousted from the silo is also a helluva withdrawal. I wonder if there's a reason all these manipulative personalities, every one of them, have been from the Destiel quarter of the SPN family. Is it sheer numbers? Or does it begin with the selling of the ship as this monumental slow-burn greatest love story ever told (even though the show's actual canon does very little to support this fable)? The relationship between Dean and Cas has been romanticized to a legendary degree, and the fanon has become the preferred telling of the tale, replete with lengthy subtextual navel-gazing over lamps and fictional beer brands and artfully staged gif sets on tumblr. Every whiff of the show has been recontextualized to point to Destiel. A stroll through any given list of Destiel All-Time Fave Fics is chock full of AUs and characters that feel more like Any Two White Guys than the actual characters from SPN.

Maybe this primes D/C shippers to be more susceptible to grift, to believe anyone with charisma and confidence and leadership aspirations, who promises the fruition of some manner of Destiel endgame. Which, okay. I totally get how deeply we often feel about our fandoms and the dynamics, how we project onto the characters and idealize the ships as more than the show intended.

It'd be fine... if fans then didn't feel the need to evangelize for the ship and punish those who got in the way. Some groups have been actively attacking the cast and parts of our fandom for years, as well as making actual bank off it all. Under the guise of inclusion and camaraderie, they dangle paying admission into their sacred inner circles like worms on hooks. They took, and are continuing to take, money to offer glimpses behind the doors of their Patreons or special levels of their Discords, where those lucky customers would theoretically be honored with friendship (parasocial, much?), and gifted with the potential of supposed insider info, and/or proximity to the cast and crew at conventions. In return, that same congregation would be used as a tool to attack and discredit the parts of the SPN milieu that the grand poobahs dislike. They would be asked to buy their merch, to keep their secrets, to send hate mail to each other in order to place the blame on “the other side”, try to get competing fans (or even TV shows) canceled, carry the torches of hate, and the list goes on. I don't know where this is going exactly, but there's a difference between bickering over which ship has the best blorbos or whose fave is the most girlboss, and actively trying to generate a lemming-like mass of obedience, enough to impact the IRL health and well-being of other people. Fandom can rally to accomplish such good feats (and lord knows the companies and studios that own our favorite franchises have figured this out), but every coin has two sides. Just, be aware of which one you're on, I guess.

#thoughts on fandom cults #the whys and wherefores #spn fandom meta #quickreaverspeaks #and it's probably a bad idea #not exactly Destiel positive?#thoughtful wank

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clangenrising · 20 days

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i will give Mystique credit for one thing. she is right about the clan culture regarding mates and kits being.. rigid?

like she is definitely a bit too reckless/dismissive when it comes to having babies, but it's not necessarily bad to have casual stance on relationships and intimacy. clan cats from the go assuming that two cats having kits means they are totally in love and married, and if one of them is caught nuzzling another cat or getting someone else entirely pregnant then they are cheater who deserves to die and go to hell, is.. well. weird. not far different from irl views on relationships and having children of course, but weird when applied to cats, who aren't exactly most monogamous species.

obviously there is still the rigidity of the borders and codes at play. if cat A got three other cats in the same clan preggers, it will absolutely thin out the unrelated to related cats ratio. but besides that, the assumption 'having children = married' isn't.. very healthy, even if it's silly kitty cats and a game that loves to generate stuff out of blue.

I'm curious where you got the impression that RisingClan believes that two cats having kits means they're in love and married. They definitely don't believe that sleeping around sends you to hell. I feel like you're projecting something else onto my work because that's not how I've depicted my Clans at all.

The rigidity the Clans have around relationships relies entirely on Loyalty and making sure that there are no dangerous conflicts of interest. With Smokyrose and Ghost, knowing Smoky people assumed she would want her partner to be involved in her life and so expected him to join the Clan but after he didn't and she cut ties with him no one shamed her for that relationship at all. With Russetfrond and Mystique, the problem comes from her being a prisoner of war. The City Cats have essentially become a 5th Clan and so him having a relationship with the sister of that 'Clan's' leader is a serious conflict of interest. If you're talking about Sparrowpaw wanting her and Russetfrond to make up and be happy together, that's just him being a little bit of a romantic and seeing two cats getting along well suddenly not speaking to each other and wanting them to be friends again.

So yeah, to be clear, the Clans don't believe any of that. Two cats within a Clan can have kittens without having to have any kind of relationship. The thing they don't like is when one parent has loyalties to a different group that might cause problems in the future. That's it.

#not art #asks and answers #anon asks

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izzythehutt · 2 months

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if you were to tie faith into 'black mask', where do you think each character would regard their own faith? I'm asking for the sirius, regulus and the parents, maybe Colette too or someone else if you've thought about it? also, a chapter from the new testament you've reread the most? wishing you a good lenten season!

This has been lurking for a bit but since I got into a whole "religion in the Harry Potter universe" conversation I figured I'd answer it.

So, in my universe as opposed to the canon Harry Potter universe, I'm drawing on my own family—the Blacks are recusant English Catholic landed gentry. I think it honestly fits the whole "there are only 28 acceptable families" inbred pureblood vibe since that's basically the upper class English Catholic families, everybody is related. I feel like in canon HP universe if they are in an actual denomination they'd be Anglican, since they're so "establishment", but then again the Norfolks irl are Catholic so who knows?

As much as I have been accused of Black family apologism, even I cannot in good conscience describe anyone in this family having a healthy relationship with their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, but were they religious this is sort of how it would shake down:

Orion is a classic trad with all the attendant dysfunction therein. Extremely legalistic, he's very comforted by a the sense of order, regulations, hierarchical structure and tradition that the Church provides. Probably reads Thomistic theology in his room for fun and would never miss a Holy Day of Obligation. Does not have a good grasp on how to love, show mercy to his children for their failings or give a good example of the relational aspect of their faith. When the shit inevitably hits the fan he's left wondering why following the rules didn't make everything turn out right. I kind of feel like I did give him a moral arc in BM in the sense that he really had to grapple with his own failure and let go of the idea that he can control everything.

Walburga I see as having a pretty childish and shallow understanding of God/religious faith. Faith is more tied to family tradition than personal piety and is practiced out of habit/duty more than out of genuine interest. She is not an imaginative person, she's the kind of person who thinks if they follow the letter of the law and pray they should get exactly what they want. Zero understanding of theology of suffering as a form of sanctification.

Sirius is projecting his daddy issues onto God and struggles to see his own lovability outside of the conditions set by his parents. Will do the opposite of his family just to rebel—I could see him getting into the cozy provincial Anglicanism of the Potters when he moves into them. He's the kind who would start going to church all the time if his parents were secular atheists just to piss them off. His arc is about seeing that God loves him in a perfect way and that helping him forgive his parents for their extremely damaged and wounded way of showing they love him.

Regulus is classic Elder Brother in the Prodigal Son. Has some resentment about doing things right and not getting anything in return. I kind of feel like he's the only one who actually has a prayer life or thinks very deeply about metaphysical questions, but that he also has massive cognitive dissonance with all the religious hypocrisy in the family which makes him question the whole thing.

Bonus: Colette actually has sincere piety and an imaginative soul and would maybe get Sirius rebelling from his family and not really practicing back into going to mass, etc.

#the black sheep dog #sirius black #orion black #walburga black #regulus black #colette battancourt #asks #harry potter and religion

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mochipicchu776 · 3 months

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1am thoughts about a fic in progress and why it is the way it is in case anyone was wondering.

Ok I know no one was wondering but I just wanted to share this tidbit with anyone who wants to read my ramblings.

A few months ago, I wrote the first few chapters of a Crimson Flower Dimileth fic heavily inspired by offering boxes (saisen) found at Shinto and Buddhist shrines.

Irl at these shrines, it is common to toss coins into the box as an offering to the gods, usually in small humble amounts, so anyone rich or poor will be able to grant an offering.

The most popular choice is the five cent coin, a round coin with a circular cutout in the center.

五円 Go-en (five yen) is a humble choice but also is popular because it is a play on words of 御縁 Go-en, which is a phenomenon believed as the unseen connection that binds someone together. Upon offering the coin, it establishes a respectful relationship to the diety of the shrine.

Wake up babe, here's where we get to the part about Fire Emblem.

In my fic, the diety is not just Sothis, but "The Grim Dragon," the Nabatean god of the underworld.

The Blaiddyd crest has always had a very eerie connotation, whether in the form of Dimitri's ghosts (depending on your hc), or the original owner of the Crest stone, who's name we only know as the Grim Dragon Sign from the crest signs bought with renown in NG+.

After hearing Claude and Annette's A support, the "Creepy Creeps" in Annette's song are actually the dead, extending their reach from the underworld to try to return to the land of the living. Apparently, these are old Kingdom myths, but in my fic, they are reality.

The dead residing in Fharghus are sent to the underworld, and after the Battle of Tailtean Plains in CF, Dimitri is killed and bound to the afterlife ruled by the Grim Dragon. Distraught by the death of her old love, after Edelgard had spared Claude, Byleth suspected Edelgard had him killed out of jealousy, not for political reasons.

Jaded, Byleth mourns Dimitri's death at his grave, the very spot he perished. When Linhardt can't stand her moping around any longer, he tells her of the old Fharghan myth, sparking an idea to bring him back.

She figures with the power of the Goddess (she still has it at this point), she can establish a connection to the realm of death to the realm of life, by planting a blessed tree. The roots take hold and the Grim Dragon demands a hefty offering for the soul of his kin. Coins such as the five cent coin, are granted through an offering box.

Like all dragons, they are greedy, always demanding more for their hoard. I'd say more but that's for the next chapter to explain.

Before Byleth can offer enough to satisfy the dragon, Edelgard catches wind and has her killed by her ex-lover, Jeritza. Unable to finish her task, Byleth's body is dragged off the property to prevent her from joining Dimitri in the afterlife. (I'm being very mean to El in this one but I swear it's for plot reasons).

Thousands of years go by, and everyone has reincarnated into a Modern AU Fodlan run by the Empire, where the tales of old Fharghus is frowned upon, and the practices of the natives are seen as taboo.

We are always connected by the threads that bind us. It may stretch, tangle, but will never break.

Anyways! I've had to table the third chapter of my fic for other projects, but once my collab and yandere fic are completed, I will go straight back to it.

I've done my best to take obscure Fodlan lore and mix it with bits of the real world culture it was created by.

Oh, and modern AU Jeritza is in it and he owns a cozy cafe 🥰

I hope that if you read this far and are wondering what coins had to do with a small FE fic, uhhhhhhh well I wasn't sure where I was ever going to have to opportunity to share the inspiration so here it is.

Please enjoy.

#dimileth #three houses #fire emblem three houses #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #byleth #writing #ao3 fanfic #inspiration for writing #modern au

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douglysium · 18 days

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Episode 14 TMP Quick Thoughts

Housekeeping and Prologue

Hello, this is Douglysium and you might not know me as that guy who wrote over 100 pages of analysis on the Eye (which can be read on Tumblr here (https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/735599414228484097/the-relationships-between-the-dread-powers-the) or Google Docs here (The Relationships Between the Dread Powers: The Eye- Knowledge is Fear and Ignorance is Bliss)) or as that guy who wrote an article on the Extinction (which can be read on Tumblr here(https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/717929126195003392/what-would-avatars-of-the-extinction-be-like-a) and Google Docs here(What would Avatars of the Extinction be like?: A TMA Speculation)). Suffice to say I might be a bit of a TMA fan. Also, spoilers for TMP up until episode 10. You can read my ramblings on the last episode here (Episode 13 TMP Quick Thoughts).

However, Protocol offers a very unique opportunity and experience for me because I didn’t actually get into TMA until after it was over and I binged all of it. So this is my first time experiencing something even remotely similar to what the original TMA fans probably experienced when waiting for each episode week by week and slowly having to put everything together with the limited information they had. So I decided to throw my hat into the ring since this might be my only chance to do something similar. However, I’m working on some longer form TMA content so I can’t spend as much time on these articles giving a bunch of super detailed thoughts. I will try to keep these short and that inevitably might mean some could have questions about why I think or predict certain things and in those cases I would probably recommend you read at least some of the two articles I mentioned above to get a better idea of where I’m coming from. This also means I won’t be giving you a play-by-play of every single thing that happens in the episode so I encourage you to listen to or read them yourselves and feel free to comment if you feel something is important.

These reviews are probably going to end up focusing mostly on the Entities and their manifestations as they are what I have thought about the most and spent the most time interpreting and there’s been a lot of… interesting theories floating around about how the Entities are manifesting that I want to go over.

Finally, I’m just going to say it right now, spoiler warning for all of The Magnus Archives. I know that Jon and co said one could start with Protocol and be fine, and while that’s probably true, media like this tends to be made in conversation with or take into consideration what came before it in the irl chronology in order to connect them. While I’m sure you could skip The Magnus Archives, I don't really see the point of skipping over it when we are already getting characters from TMA showing up in TMP in Protocol. So to me it’s pretty clear that if we want to understand the full picture of TMP and all the things it is trying to say then we can’t just try to pretend TMA doesn’t exist or scrub it away. Just because you could understand what’s happening without the context in broad strokes doesn’t mean you're getting all the nuances.

These articles are meant to be quick and short so sorry if there’s typos and if I don’t address every possible question or possibility. I don’t want to repeat myself too much in this series outside of the prologue so be sure to skim some of my other articles.

Episode 14 “Pet Project”

As usual, we cut to a device listening in on the cast. This time it’s a camera in the breakroom as Celia and Alice grab a drink and Alice gives Celia a Choco Leibnitz (what I assume is a legally distinct version of Choco Leibniz for copyright reasons or a brand i haven’t heard of). They start talking about the date Celia went on with Sam and Celia explains that while the date was good they mostly just talked about work. Alice says “Oh Sam.” implying that this is something that is expected or been done before. Celia even admits that Sam can be a little… “intense sometimes.”

Alice notes that Sam has been acting weird ever since his date with Celia: “Yeah. What were you actually talking about? He’s been kinda worked up about the job ever since you two went out. It’s like watching a dog with a toffee – funny at first, but it’s hard not to worry... ” Celia says that she and Sam were speculating on “what the deal is” with cases and “the big ‘why’” in regards to what even is the point of going through the cases. Considering that Sam showed up to work drunk after his date with Celia, Alice’s point about Sam’s potentially odd behavior holds some weight. In all likelihood, the possibility of the cases being real, and maybe even the possible less savory reasons the OIAR goes through the cases, is weighing on his mind.

Alice also admits “Sure, I went through the same thing when I started.” Confirming that, like Sam, she was once very curious about what the OIAR was doing and if the cases were real. So when Alice tells Sam to not ask any questions she is probably speaking from experience after watching someone else get into some sort of pickle or because she herself ended up somewhere dangerous mentally or physically. It could also be that she just didn’t find any answers and gave up. Celia alludes to the fact that she and Sam will have another date and Alice’s attitude seems to suddenly change.

Celia asks if there’s going to be a problem and Alice responds with extreme sarcasm. Celia says “I’m serious. you need to tell me if you’re going to have an issue with us. I don't know what the deal was between you, but I’m not interested in getting tangled up in workplace drama.” and Alice responds with “(dripping with sarcasm) The only drama is the dilemma of how I could possibly get by without you all to myself! ” “…am too intimidated by your genius intellect and desperately hot bod and think we should just stay friends? I couldn’t agree more. ” “And on that note I’m going to head off before I make you any more in love with me. Just try to restrain yourself yeah? Sam’s masculinity is already hanging by a thread.” There’s so many levels of sarcasm here on Alice’s part that it’s a little hard for me to pinpoint with certainty the exact reason why she seems to take issue with Celia going out with Sam again. The most obvious and straightforward reason would be that Alice still has feelings for Sam and she is jealous of Celia. She might have been fine with the first date because she didn’t think it would go anywhere. But Alice does note that Sam started acting concerningly weird ever since his date with Celia so it’s also possible that Alice is once again worried about Sam’s mental state and the more protective side of her personality is kicking in. It could explain a potential change in opinion here since Alice might’ve been fine with the first date until Sam started acting weird afterwards and she is growing worried about what Celia wants with Sam. Whether Alice is actually suspicious about Celia, is worried about Sam, this is just some petty emotional drama, or some weird combination of all of these things feels possible to me.

Lena encounters Sam in the office and asks him if he knows where Gwen is to which he says he does not and the next case starts. I think it’s interesting that Lena has started looking for Gwen. Gwen might be purposefully running late or outright trying to avoid Lena or Lena simply has another letter ready for her.

We start this episode’s statement, and it includes something I’ve been looking forward to and many fans have been asking about since TMA. That thing being snakes. I think sometimes people get a little too caught up about the lack of snakes in TMA or read too much into it (the only real direct reference to snakes is in regards to The Extinction with references to mythological world ending serpents such as Jörmungandr and Apophis from Norse and Egyptian myth respectively). While TMA has a lot of episodes, at the end of the day it can only fit so many statements so it’s plausible that even a more common fear might slip through the cracks or end up not getting a dedicated statement. Not to mention most of TMA takes place in the UK and there aren’t a whole lot of super dangerous or big snakes running around. The only poisonous snake I could find after a quick google search is a kind of adder that “is the UK's biggest venomous animal, but they are rarely a threat to people or dogs.” The again most spiders aren’t super poisonous either and they show up plenty and fears can be far from rational. This episode finds an interesting way to include an abnormal amount of different snakes by setting the case within a pet store.

Chester starts off the statement with

Treatment Report.

Elima Pest Ltd.

Attending Technician: Alyssa Beck

Date: 01.08.1995.

Job No. 8146

Client Contact: Anthony Walker.

Property Type: Commercial.

Address: Resounding Reptile

Emporium, Hartshill, Newcastle Under-Lyme

Follow up Required: Yes

Report Type: Call Out

Note: Follow up postponed until location of attending technician determined.

Initial Assessment - 15:30

So we can surmise that some kind of exterminator (Alyssa Beck) has been hired to deal with something by Anthony walker. Alyssa explains “Client reported that a rat had been spotted in the shop’s break room.” and meets with the proprietor / owner who explains that they are “concerned about the potential of fleas or ticks brought in by the rodent.” Alyssa notes that the shop’s owner “...had clear red/sore patches around his neck from itching. I assured him that unless he had come into close contact, it was unlikely that he had been bitten or suffered from parasite transference. Most likely psychosomatic phantom bites as an effect of the current heatwave. Worth noting however, that the strong odour of the shop indicates that the IAQ of the Reptile Emporium is likely below recommendations.” So the owner is worried that he had been bitten or infected, Alyssa explains that it’s probably just the heat, and the shop smells absolutely terrible. But Alyssa then begins to hypothesize that mosquitoes might be the source of the sore patches: “Follow-up probably required. I suspect that due to the heat and humidity of the shop, mosquitoes may be present, which might also be the source of the shopkeeper’s skin irritation. The Resounding Reptile Emporium backs onto a marshy nature reserve, which increases this risk, although none spotted during initial inspection.”

Alyssa requests that the shop be cleared of customers so they can perform a full inspection and the owner becomes increasingly agitated, “presumably due business worries,

resulting in a brief altercation. Kept mentioning “his burden” and grabbing at my sleeve. Received slight scratch by accident, but no escalation or violence, so no need for a full incident report, although anyone following up should be advised there may be a mental health problem.”

The inspection begins at 15:41 (or 3:41) and Alyssa describes part of the store “Break room situated in an annex separated from the main shop by a formerly external door (adequate barrier between main shop and affected area). Customers vacated from premises by client.” They find uncovered food in the breakroom: “open bin containing various unfinished food items and empty frozen mice packets (snake food, presumably). Discarded crisp and sweet wrappers on countertops. Even with window open, there is a strong smell of spoiled food. Recommended consideration: sealed waste disposal and food storage.” They also find ants in and around the cabinets and take note of them in case of a possible full infestation.

At 15:50 (or 3:50) they note “Found Cylindrical droppings with sheared ends, indicating squirrel. Minimal volume: likely just the one. Woodland area and trees directly outside breakroom window. Recommended prevention: mesh grate over window to prevent further ingress. Squirrel discovered on overhead cabinets. Window left fully opened to aid exit. Area sealed.

At 16:10 (or 4:10) Alyssa notes “Retrieved live capture trap from van. Customers granted re-entry to shop floor. During room preparation small hole discovered between wall of breakroom and adjacent room. Used by squirrel as point of egress. Adjacent room locked, key requested and signed out with client. Hole sealed.”

Then at 16:30 (4:30), “Squirrel found among storage boxes and captured alive with trap. Will seal ingress hole after removal. Captured squirrel appears lethargic, likely injured or poisoned. Remov-” and we suddenly cut to “Police aren’t here yet. They say any minute but I don’t think it’ll matter. I can still hear the operator on the phone, but it’s just noise.” Alyssa says that somehow thousands of snakes are in the store and they leave a final message for their dad, saying that they know their dad will believe them and that it’s not his fault.

Alyssa speaks of the room they are in. One that the squirrel made it into and it acts as a makeshift CCTV office, complete with cameras. Although Alyssa does say “Just a storage closet, really. All the cameras show the shop interior.” So it’s probably about as small as a closet and used to be one too. They explain that just after they had caught the squirrel and began to head out they saw something on the screen of one of the camera monitors. The shop owner “...was reaching over the counter, grabbing at a customer, while their daughter stood crying nearby. I recognised the girl, or at least the toy gosling she was holding, remembered how she looked at her Dad when I told the two of them to wait outside. It reminded me of us.” and “It’s selfish how I wish you were here now dad.”

When Alyssa “unsealed the shop floor the shopkeeper seemed obsessed with continuing his sales pitch to the pair. He was adamant that they purchase a snake, and pretty much ignored me entirely. It made me a bit uneasy, so I hung back to watch. Thinking back… I should have noticed he was off.” Alyssa watches the camera monitor as “the shopkeeper suddenly lunged forward, clearing the desk, smashing the glass on his way with a crash I heard even through the closed door, leaving him sprawling among the crickets previously boxed on the shelf behind him. They were jumping, flowing, twitching. Thousands of them, just juddering pixels on the monitor, but the noise was palpable, punching through the wall like a fist. I grabbed my phone and called the police. I should’ve gone out there and helped but- but I was scared. I just couldn't.” Alyssa tries to explain what’s happening to the police but doesn't listen to their response on the phone. “On the screen I could see the customer had scrambled to his feet and he and his daughter were nearly out of the entrance. The shopkeeper lunged one last time and that’s when I noticed he’d… started to change. He was bloated. Swollen around the neck.” The door slams in the shop owner’s face and something falls out of his mouth, but Alyssa can’t make it out through the monitor.

“Moments passed with no noise except the screaming crickets and my own thudding heartbeat. The shopkeeper lay completely prone, he hadn’t moved at all, and I wondered if the fall had knocked him out, cracked his skull or something. Then there was movement near his head, and he began to twitch and spasm. I thought it might be a seizure but then, his mouth began to open, wider and wider, impossibly wide, his jaw bones snapping with the strain. And then a horde of slender shapes slithered out.” “Snakes, Dad. Thousands of them. All from inside him, pushing up through his deflating throat. The floor was lost beneath the heaving, writhing mass of them. I could hear the scrape of their scales on the linoleum, but they made no other sound. Then the owner's body began to slide across the floor towards the closed door between us. It took me a moment to realise his body was being pulled over the broken glass and debris, carried on the creatures' backs. Towards me. I got the door locked just in time. This room, it’s a mess. Printouts, delivery notes, a bunch of rejection letters from some institute he pinned to the wall with a kitchen knife. And it's hot in here, dad. Too hot. Oh god. I can feel it. My throat is swelling. And it itches. I can still hear all the snakes brushing up against the door and… in the walls, I think. Christ, they’re in the walls… Oh god. I forgot about the hole. I love you Da-”

In my analysis of episode 12 (Episode 12 TMP Quick Thoughts) I tried to look for any discernible patterns or correlations for when certain computer voices show up. Episode 13 was a live phone call, so we didn’t get the chance to hear any of the voices. However, this statement is told by Chester (Jonathon’s voice). A youtuber by the name of Maddie’s Maxis (This Channel's First Video - The Magnus Protocol Analysis and Theories) hypothesizes that Chester covers statements related to the Institute. Something that probably holds true here since I think it’s safe to assume that the rejection letters could be from the Magnus Institute (meaning that the owner was rejected like Sam). I myself proposed that Chester seems to show up in regards to statements that are connected to looking for things, which also holds true here. In this case Alyssa is an exterminator, which means their job involves looking for and catching things like pests (and they end up tracking down a squirrel). Considering the Institute rejection letters mentioned, it’s also possible that the shop owner is looking for information about The Institute. This also could relate to what Sam mentioned on his date with Celia about a string of bad luck after being rejected from the Institute. Alyssa also mentions “Printouts, delivery notes, a bunch of rejection letters from some institute he pinned to the wall with a kitchen knife” implying that the shopkeeper harbors ill will towards the Institute or blames the organization for something.

It’s interesting that Alyssa mentions that their dad would believe them and that this isn’t his fault. It could simply be that Alyssa’s dad really trusts them or that their dad is the reason they took this job for some reason but it’s also possible that Alyssa’s dad has some connection or experience with the supernatural that would lead to him believing Alyssa. He could have been part of some sort of faction or mentioned weird occurrences, or maybe Alyssa even experienced a supernatural encounter with him.

If we were to view this through the lens of Smirke’s 14 (plus The Extinction) from TMA this case actually falls pretty cleanly into the domain of an Entity like The Corruption. There are also some themes of The Hunt, with all the snakes seemingly hunting Alyssa down and finding their way to Alyssa through the walls, and maybe even The Eye in relation to the camera system and the fear of seeing too much as well as the snakes immediately knowing Alyssa’s location and finding them. There is also thematic overlap with The End, since Alyssa potentially dies and the snakes could be poisonous, The Slaughter if you see what the snakes are doing as a violent action, The Buried with how Alyssa is trapped in a small room, The Flesh with how the shop owner’s body contorts and the body horror involved, and The Desolation if you want to talk about some parts of the store being broken or the shopkeeper fearing that he might lose business.

However, I think something like The Corruption has the best argument for multiple reasons. First, I need to go over The Corruption a bit to make sure we are all on the same page. The Corruption is a fear that is connected to disgust. Most of this is obvious with the connection it has to gross creepy crawlies or illnesses but The Corruption also has strong themes of love, toxic relationships, and shame with some self-loathing. I’ve seen people express confusion over this but these themes actually still connect to the idea of disgust when used by The Corruption.

It’s important to remember that the Entities don’t always relate to just physical fears. It is possible to fear something that is physically disgusting but you can also find certain actions, behaviors, mindsets, and other non-physical attributes to be disgusting or repulsive. Certain behaviors or actions might be described as “gross” or “shitty.” So in the case of The Corruption it’s forms of love often connect to unhealthy or “disgusting” relationships (not just romantic relationships either). The Corruption does also seem to have a connection to shame and self-loathing which also makes sense for its connection to disgust. It’s possible to feel disgusted towards one’s own self or their own actions. Someone might feel unworthy of love because they are disgusting or they might feel like “shit” because they feel gross or terrible. It is possible to perform actions that make you feel “dirty” even if you aren’t physically any dirtier. Additionally, the more disgusting you are the more others are likely to judge or avoid you. I should make it clear that The Corruption isn’t the only Entity to have manifested as weird diseases or the only one that could ever relate to love (for example we see Annabelle Cane attempt to use the love her family feels towards her to manipulate them in TMA before encountering The Web. Love can easily tie into themes of control or breaches of privacy with Entities like The Web, The Eye, etc.). There’s also possibly a whole thing with feeling like you’re so disgusting and undeserving of love that you feel like dirt and the only things that could possibly love you are other disgusting things or rot itself because it’s what you deserve but that’s for another time.

Looking back at the case itself there are a lot of parallels to The Corruption. First the shop itself seems unsanitary. There are open bins of food in it (which can attract pests), ants crawling around before crickets later escape(and we know The Corruption often gravitates towards gross bugs), squirrel droppings, a terrible stench, etc.. The store is also located near a swamp, a biome that can have tons of stagnant water turn it into a vector of disease. Alyssa even hypothesizes that mosquitoes might be present in the store, and we know The Corruption has manifested as mosquitoes previously (like in MAG 45 (Blood Bag)). This is probably because mosquitoes are great vectors for disgusting diseases in addition to having the association of being a gross bug. The store is also extremely hot and heat can cause things to rot, spoil, or decompose faster (such as the uncovered food Alyssa finds).

The shop owner also has a strange sickness or infection taking the form of itchy red sore patches. He seems worried that he was bitten or infected by a parasite since Alyssa had to assure him otherwise. The Corruption has a connection to sicknesses and infections with how gross people find them and how gross they can make you feel. Later a bunch of snakes spew out of the shop owner’s mouth and Alyssa mentions how their jaw contorts unnaturally which might generate feelings of disgust and relates to the whole snake thing. Some people might find snakes related to The Corruption of all things to be weird since The Hunt, The Slaughter, or The End seem like more obvious answers for what kind of fears snakes could relate to. But I have met people who have said that they find snakes gross or disgusting so I don’t think someone fearing snakes because they associate them with something gross is completely unheard of even if it might not be why you yourself find them scary. Some might find how and what snakes eat gross too. Considering that the owner’s mouth opening unnaturally wide to release snakes resembles how snakes can unhinge their jaws, I have to wonder if the sore patches are meant to resemble an animal shedding their skin or if the infection was actually caused from a supernatural snake bite. It could just as well be that the show owner was infected by a scratch similar to the one he gave Alyssa.

The shop owner also mentions some sort of “burden.” Something that I think could tie in pretty well to the previously mentioned feelings of guilt, shame, or self-loathing. The owner might feel disgusted with himself which creates the feeling of some sort of burden. It could have something to do with the Magnus Institute but it also sounds similar to Doctor Webber is episode 3 (TMP Quick Thoughts 3). A character who also clearly feels a heavy burden due to an anxiety caused by some sort of action (presumably the death / killing of his wife). Alyssa mentions that the owner scratched them at some point, which sounds somewhat similar to something like “The Tale of a Field Hospital.” An artifact tied to The Corruption that would leave papercuts that quickly became infected if one interacted with its pages. We never get to see if Alyssa’s wound would have actually gotten infected specifically but some of their last worsd are “...and it's hot in here, dad. Too hot. Oh god. I can feel it. My throat is swelling. And it itches..” So they are getting infected by something and there’s an implied connection there. The store is already noted as being hot and they are in a presumably small room but it’s possible that they have a sickness which is causing their body temperature to increase. Which is kind of funny when you remember that many snakes can sense infrared radiation, which means they basically have a sort of heat vision. So if someone got sick and their body temperature started rising it would be easier for something like a snake to find them. It’s possible that the snakes were able to find Alyssa so quickly because of the wound acting like some sort of weird supernatural heat beacon.

Alyssa is an exterminator which we know is an occupation that has come into contact with The Corruption previously. In TMA Jordan Kennedy was a pest exterminator that encountered The Corruption. This makes sense because exterminators are usually hired to get rid of animals that are either dangerous, disgusting, or both. Especially, since things like bugs and rats can be a vector for diseases (something that can easily relate to The Corruption). Alyssa seems to reminisce about her dad a lot which seems like it could relate to The Corruption and love (familial love in this case of course). It’s hard to say how unhealthy the relationship sounds, if at all, but Alyssa does say “It’s selfish how I wish you were here now dad.” implying that they might feel some sort of guilt for wishing that their dad was present. Alyssa insisting that their dad is not at fault for what’s happening could also potentially allude to some sort of guilt present. It’s possible one of them accidentally hurt the other or there was a falling out of some sort. The case mentions “Note: Follow up postponed until location of attending technician determined.” at the beginning. Meaning that, at least at the time, Alyssa disappeared or a body could not be found. Maybe the snakes were looking for a new host and Alyssa is some snake version of Jane Prentiss or maybe the snakes simply devoured their body so there were no remains.

This episode has some pretty notable thematic similarities with the case of Webber in episode 3 (Putting Down Roots) which makes me inclined to believe that, Smirke’s 14 or not, the force in this case and Webber’s case are the same (or at least very similar).

We cut back to the office and Sam tries to wave off the mention of the Institute by saying it could be any Institute. Once again, I feel like something or someone is purposefully trying to entice or stoke Sam’s curiosity. Gwen startles Sam and she says “(putting bags down) I didn't “sneak up”. It’s not my fault if you're distracted.” Sam getting sucked into a case is somewhat similar to how some characters would get sucked into the statement they were reading but this could always just be because the events are horrifying or Sam’s “intense” personality, if Celia and Alice are to be believed. Gwen says “Just now. Seems pretty straightforward to me. Snakes, not sure what the collective noun is, horde maybe? Cross link with infection too probably. I wouldn’t have thought the letters have any bearing on the classification.”

Sam tells Gwen that Lena was looking for her to which Gwen asks how long ago this was. Sam replies “Dunno. Few minutes ago. She seemed uh… not happy.” and Gwen quips “Is she ever?” We then get this interaction

GWEN

“What did you tell her?”

SAM

“Hmmm? Nothing. Just that I hadn’t seen you. Something wrong?”

GWEN

“Nothing you can help with.”

SAM

“Listen, Gwen”

GWEN

“Just leave it alright. Focus on your cases. You wouldn’t understand.”

SAM

“(cold) Of course not.”

GWEN

“That’s not- (heading off) I don’t have time for this.”

GWEN exits.

SAM

“(muttering to himself) No-one ever does.”

Clearly, Sam is becoming annoyed by the lack of transparency and Gwen doesn’t think Sam will believe her about her encounter with Mr. Bonzo. It’s also possible that Gwen is even trying to protect Sam by keeping him out of it but this seems less likely. Gwen immediately wondering what Sam said about her whereabouts makes me suspect that Gwen is probably up to something or trying to avoid Lena.

Conclusion

I didn’t realize this till a few episodes ago, but the transcripts have the categories and forms the cases are filed under. Although, I can’t see anything that would change what I’ve said previously or shed a ton of new light on anything so I didn't really think about them. I still don’t have anything to say but here’s the one for this case:

CAT1RB4426-01081995-15032024

Transformation (snake) -/-horde

Incident Elements:

- Body Horror

- Snakes

- Implied Harrassment

- Mentions of: rodents, insects, dead animals

Protocol quick thoughts archive- TMP Quick Thoughts Archive

#tmagp #tma #the magnus protocol #the magnus archives #theory

16 notes · View notes

gomzdrawfr · 1 day

Text

Gomz rambles about something again so feel free to scroll pass :]

Recently had a video recommended to me on youtube and gave it a watch: how you play games is how you do everything so I wanted to give some thoughts after watching it

for starters, the video was pretty simple and straightforward and easy to watch, it got me thinking how true that statement is and I started reflecting a bit.

I rarely play games any more, simply because sometimes I couldn't bring in the time and commitment to games like I used to be, or that it feels like I'm completing tasks instead of enjoying the game (kind of what the original author felt)

That applies to some games I've played in the past, Minecraft, Valorant, Dont starve - when I play a game, I clock tf in LMAO I just tend to focus so much on it that everything else didn't matter. I guess irl this applies to me too, whenever I want to do something I make sure to put in 110% into it, very meticulous with completion and deadlines and ensuring the work I do are good quality, I spend time on researching every single questions or queries I have and yeah just, being into something. Though lately, I've dialled down a bit and take it easy (bcuz stress isn't fun)

Honestly, in another aspect, say Minecraft again, I used to be very active in a community, being the lead builder and just pumping out ideas and making builds after builds while still having fun, I loved brainstorming idea and vomit it out in blocks, being able to use part of my interest that are less relevant in my studies to something else, you know? but ever since the said community grew larger, I got overwhelmed and stepped away from the people. They're great friends, really, but sometimes it's a lot when a friend circle grows.

Reflecting this to irl, I tend to work in smaller groups and have a close-knit of friends instead of many friends. Better yet, working alone or just with another one person. It's easier to focus and manage things. Another takeaway would be, I guess, is the way I tend to walk away when things gets more than what I like, or can handle.

I used to be part of a group of friends online too, I liked what we had going, we were silly we were honi (lol) and things were more light-hearted. But as more and more people join, I started feeling overwhelm or a sense of disconnect. There's a lot going on, like a bouncing ball started yeeting against each surfaces at lighting speed and I can barely catch the ball kind of feeling.

I wouldn't say it's entirely their fault, it's mostly myself, which is more comfortable in controlled or slower pace(despite being hyper as well- brainrot goes brrrr). I guess what sucks the most is also watching a friend who liked hanging with another person that you don't really vibe with can be uh something(idk what or how to describe it, it's not jealousy either). The main issue is always around the aspect that I like person A, B, C and F, but not the rest of the bunch. Yes, I could bring it up, talk to them about it, and then highly possibly creating drama and beef with that process (relationships are so fragile). Knowing the people I was dealing with, I decided to just leave quietly (which, to no one's surprised, caused drama itself too - sigh)

I do miss them sometimes, the people I like talking to and be friends with, some of us kept the connection, some burn the bridge for good, some remains a mystery.

That brings me to another aspect in decision-making games, where I tend to walk the passive, most diplomatic route ever to finish the game. Well because irl I hate dealing with conflicts XD I also lean towards neutrality most of the time, unless it's something important then only I pick a side strongly. Using persuasion, communications and understanding, compromising and delegation to let a project or anything really(like relationship) run smoothly. Some of this cost my sanity, patiences and often, gaining less from the agreement lol

I stopped caring more than I do, I stopped trying to please everyone in the room after going through some stuff, and I learn to let go a lot of things because of those experiences, which for now feels like a good experience for me (Literally my page motto is my life motto, it is what it is)

This also made me think, that I am a person who likes to stay the same, more often than I'd like to admit. I mean this by saying like for example, no matter how many times I play Stardew Valley, I will follow a similar route. If irl, the mix rice shop I visit for almost 4 years now? I'll pick the same veggie and meat choices everytime I go there. I find comfort in repetition, I like following the same pattern, I enjoy being safe in a known routine.

If i want to ramble about this, I do like to change sometimes, explore different options, pick a different route etc. But, only if I finished the "foundation" first(both in game and irl)

So for example, stardew valley right? I tend to go min max route, getting my greenhouse and my plants, relationship, all those jazz to maximum first before I actually try something else. What's funny is the something else can be as small as picking a different spot to fish, wearing a different hat, try defeating the dungeon without espresso(that was awful) or romance other people(I still love Harvey more than anyone, sorry Sebastian, I do love the frog though)

Same with Minecraft, Im a builder yes, but I also grind a hell lot in the game, building industrial district and shit ton of farms to get whatever I need.

I think this is kinda reflected irl, where I like to have a strong stability of foundation before I try something different, something that is not part of the route Im used for. It's like once I am sure that our project presentation has the right amount of slides, informations and delivery, then only I try and test out animations, maybe some infographics and whatnot. Same with patient counselling, I usually follow a flow strictly in patient information gathering because that is what we were taught in University (name, age, height, weight, etc), but one time I decided to switch it up a bit to and try to make small talk in between info gathering (like when a patient tells me they're married, instead of moving on I congrats on their marriage instead) and has found it a nice experience and change of pace. You may find this a silly or heck, an obvious thing that I should've tried, but you need to understand every video, notes and lectures always follow a systematic manner with stuff like this. I've only started incorporating this style after being in the med course for like, 2 years, so when I transitioned to Pharmacy, it came naturally to me when it comes to building rapport with patients. The patients and lecturers love it, because the process can feel more like a conversation rather than an interrogation you know, it feels more lively, more empathy and whatnot. I hope to continue to improve on this actually, Im really happy that one of the change I made on an impulse stick through and benefitted my career.

Id say one bad thing with this habit (with how I approach change) is sometimes I miss out opportunities and again, missing out the fun. Heck, sometimes the process to finish the "foundation" itself feels like a chore that sucks out the fun from games. Like rn with tears of the kingdom(totk), I like collecting Light of Blessing to get more hearts and stamina, but god- totk is so much bigger now compared to the first one, and I got overwhelmed and stressful to play the game. So I dropped it on my previous semester break. (I wanna go back to it one day, hopefully)

This kind of also tie into something Im aware of, is that I get weary and overthink in the face of uncertainty. Like there are a lot of places in totk that I have yet to explore, because I have thoughts like

oh shit does this have important story plot? wait what if im suppose to go place A before going place B first? will it mess up the timeline? oh no that place is new what the heck let's just put a marker first-

you get the gist, same applies irl too. An invitation to quizzes, participating talk shows or experiments, most of which I usually don't attend in fear of my lack of skills or just, nervousness in new environment. There's always a lingering thought that I am not good enough to go to events that clearly, required skills and competence beyond what I have. Im no 4 flat student, hell my cgpa is shit lmfao, the only thing Im good at are soft skills and maybe level 1-2 clinical judgments. I still regret that one time I didn't join a community event where they've explored and talked about stem cells intervention, they had a whole freaking lab!! of cells!! like in the movies!!!!!!!!! ok anyways

Idk what im tryna say with this ramble, I just wanted to share and relate my experience to the video, maybe this is like a self reflection. I've been trying to be better at managing some of the issues I talked about, building confidence or maybe facing confrontations instead of dipping entirely.

If you read till here, thanks I guess! maybe you can relate to me or maybe you just wanna read my yaps, either way I appreciate it :D if you want to share your thoughts or experiences as well go ahead!

#procrastinating on my actual school work to ramble about stuff hA #scream to the void to feel better #gummyspeaks #rambles

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