#the secret is that neither are inherently trustworthy!

[ravenkings]

i think one of the big issues with tiktok is that it's somehow managed to convince a generation of people that a single person with an iphone camera is inherently more trustworthy than a news organization

[itsclydebitches]

The big problem with Robyn is that, in an arc about secrets, trust issues, manipulative propaganda and political sabotage, we're expected to just blindly trust a politician simply because she's against Jac-Ass. "She can't be bad. I mean, who's ever heard of a Politician lying or being deceptively pleasant or masking ill intentions with promises of progress? Bad Politicians are all overt about being bad guys!"

Yeah. And the funny thing is that the politician aspect isn't even an overt, textual element. I mean it exists, obviously, but Volume 7 didn't really have a "politicians are bad" (or at least inherently untrustworthy in their tendency to spin facts) message like Volume 8 eventually had a "military is bad" message in the form of our general dying off, Marrow's "collar" comment, etc. Neither Robyn nor Jacques are politicians yet, what with both of them currently trying to get elected... and then each essentially lose that chance given that Jacques is immediately arrested and the council is in no position to help with the problems that arise. The show might have turned to Robyn post-arrest, asking for her help from a political standpoint now that she's got her coveted seat, yet it's her semblance and fighting ability that the plot relies on, not her political standing. They're each much more defined by their initial roles in society — racist CEO and Robin Hood analogy — than they are defined by what they're trying to become. Like Penny's framing, the actual election, and Ironwood killing off one of the councilmen, the political aspects of this situation are just kinda... there, with no real tether to the story as a whole. Does anyone care that Penny was framed for an attack, that Robyn should now be with the council, or that martial law doesn't involve killing off the previous people in charge because they asked wtf is going on? Nah. Because that would mean all of these aspects have to be carried forward, from Penny grappling with her lost status as the Protector of Mantle, to Winter reacting to Ironwood's murder. Which, in turn, would take the plot in directions the writers clearly weren't interested in. So we're left with the politics just existing in the background, characters occasionally referencing them like they mean something, but in reality they're background dressing.

God do I wish RWBY would engage with the propaganda already in the story though. They should be thinking about the difference between Ironwood being totally upfront about how complicated things are whereas someone like Jacques pretends that everything is perfect — and he has all the answers. They should consider decisions like why Ozpin wouldn't want, beyond personal reasons, for the one faunus headmaster to be outed as a supporter of Salem (especially when Blake is standing right there). They should have realized by now that how they present themselves to the world has a huge impact on not just flimsy things like trust, but concrete things like grimm attacks too. If they took one look at Mantle and were scared off of trusting Ironwood after spending a whole volume trying to reach him, how do they think the world is going to react to a tiny 17yo stuttering through a nonsensical sounding announcement? That consistent expectation that what applies to everyone else does not apply to Ruby (and her friends) is likewise seen in how the story approaches perception. After Ironwood explained everything and, as far as he was able, proved that he was telling them the truth, they had no reason to mistrust him except for perception. "Things look bad, therefore they must be bad. Who's to blame for bad things? The person in charge. They are responsible with no wiggle room or nuance allowed" Yet, as said, we're simultaneously told that we're meant to take Robyn's perception at face value — she says she wants to help Mantle — as well as the group's — Ruby told the world that Ironwood wasn't trustworthy and that they needed to listen to her. Yet if any character challenged the idea of trusting Robyn or, worse, challenged the idea that anyone should follow the random woman who dropped a story about magic and denounced a world leader... they'd be framed as foolish at best, maliciously "paranoid" at worst. How dare you not take these Good People at their word, no matter that Ruby not taking Ironwood at his word is, supposedly, what makes her better than Ozpin.

Who, of course, didn't take the group or the inner circle at their word either — with proof for why he found that necessary in the form of Lionheart. Yet he's still the one to apologize for keeping secrets. The story simply knows who is Good and who is Bad, demanding that the audience accept that division without question, no matter how much it messes with the rules being set down. You've got to hold two contradictory ideas in your head at the same time: this is a universal, thematic truth... but a group member breaking it doesn't make them Bad. A character thought to be Bad upholds that universal, thematic truth... but that doesn't make them Good. Everyone's got a little, moral label taped to their foreheads and nothing they actually do will ever change that.

[dawning-games]

I'm new here, so could you perhaps make a post describing the ROs and their personalities a bit? I'd really appreciate it. Also, what is the poly route?

Hello and welcome to the blog for my game! And with the understanding that I am somewhat less better at describing my own characters than throwing tens of thousands of words at you to do the same thing...

•Malcolm: a feminine trans man whose face is covered with burn scars and is missing one arm, Malcolm is terse and confrontational and has a habit of giving backwards compliments instead of coming right out and giving them in the first place. However, he is also strangely protective of the main character, and as time goes on, you get the sense he carries the weight of guilt with him...

•Twelve: a character that can be somewhat off-putting at first, Twelve wears an almost featureless stone mask on their face, with their head surrounded by snakes and vines for hair. They/Xie also has anxiety and OCD and tends to speak rapidly and using their hands. They love academic conversations, and can sometimes makes themselves more uncertain than they already were about certain topics. Xie is half Hawai'ian and and half Pakistani, and immigrated to Pakistan as a teenager to live with family, in life, which is something that will indeed come up in future chapters. Twelve identifies as gender fluid most of the time, but the labels of queer and nonbinary also fit comfortably

•Kreesh: Kreesh has chosen to use the magic inherent in most of the main characters to change her appearance to something resembling a sinuous dragon or a chimera, with long, spiraling horns. As she herself will tell the main character, she had enough of people deciding that she, a trans woman, was a monster simply based upon her existence or appearance and why not give them exactly what they wanted? She is a calming presence, but has little patience for sarcasm that comes with barbs attached

•The Splintered: a Vietnamese character who will come out as a trans man during the course of the game, The Splintered runs a shop that trades in memories. He is witty and charming and always seems to have a smile on hand if anyone needs an extra two or three. He is also very secretive, and deflects questions about his past with ease

•The King: a standoffish if not outright stern and unyielding trans woman, The King holds herself to a high standard few would be able to meet. She expects the best of everyone around her. Over time, she can and will comes to trust the main character and the companions more if they prove to be as trustworthy as she truly can be, herself, but it would be very easy to do just the opposite...

•Lichtenberg: an as yet unintroduced character who will be a potential queerplatonic relationship, Lichtenberg is friendly and boisterous and very loud. He is also autistic and will eventually confirm that he is gendervoid

•Scarlet-Be-Thy-Coat is neither an RO or a queerplatonic option at this stage of writing, but is still a significant presence in the main character's journey. Scarlet does not use gendered or gender neutral pronouns at all, simply preferring the name itself when referred to. Scarlet-Be-Thy-Coat is a strange mix of helpful to the main character to the point of endangering others, and utterly unwilling to answer certain questions. Time will only tell which will win out

I should also note that queerplatonic routes will be available for every RO character as well, if the player so chooses, as are antagonistic routes. There are also characters that are yet to be introduced or fully introduced, such as Ranada and Avarice Pillory, whose status as RO's will be confirmed at a later time

As far as poly routes go, each and every RO character can be romanced at the same time if the player chooses, but certain characters will have preexisting relationships of one sort or another, such as The Splintered and Twelve, or Kreesh and The King

I hope that helps!

[sepublic]

Suggestion on Belos’ past and motives...

           All of these asks, speculation, and discussion on Belos is just…

           …Even if it’s not confirmed, even if it’ll be disproven later on in the show. It all paints this VERY vivid image in my head, of…

           Imagine a young Belos, who’s a social outcast and doesn’t understand why people treat him differently for his unique ideas and ways of doing things. He has a genuine passion for magic, but like Luz and Lilith, Belos doesn’t have raw power; In fact, he might be actively hindered by a ‘disability’ of sorts, such as lack of magic bile sac! But Belos loves magic, so instead of working harder like the talented, able-bodied, and privileged are able to… Belos works smarter. Craftier. He’s more clever than the rest because he NEEDS to be!

           And the Titan recognizes someone in Belos, who is willing to learn Glyphs; Because he doesn’t rely on bile, and he’s looking for a way to explore magic regardless because he LOVES it! So Belos is ‘chosen’ by the Titan, or at the very least he’s one of many who are offered knowledge… And unlike most, Belos accepts. And he’s elated, because… He’s a chosen one! Like Luz in Episode 2, this is validation for the way he’s always been different, been treated as an outcast… It’s justification from the world that Belos isn’t inadequate; He’s outright better than others!

           Unlike Luz, while Belos learns to appreciate his own self-worth, and perhaps those like him… He never grows to understand that while every body is unique and is individually great on their own, nobody is inherently better than the rest. But Belos ignores the truth, because he wants a message that reassures him that all of his suffering wasn’t for nothing, it wasn’t because he was a freak or anything… Like Boscha, he tells himself that if people have mistreated him in the past, it’s because they’re jealousof Belos, that he’s secretly better than them!

           And Belos is so desperate to prove his self-worth, to not just be as good as, but maybe even BETTER than others… That like Lilith, he also does some cruel things. He drains Magic Bile, because unlike Luz, he never learned to truly embrace his outsider status, and still partially insisted on doing things the ‘normal’ way, of conforming, because deep-down despite building himself up, Belos was NEVER truly at peace with who he was! When the Titan reveals that it’s offered many others this opportunity and continues to keep doing so…

           Belos panics, because does this mean he was never special? That just by sheer circumstance influencing his decision, he was ‘chosen’… But so was everybody else, that Belos’ decision to accept the Titan’s guidance wasn’t the result of him being more special than the rest?! He rejects what the Titan says, instead! Belos decides that the Titan is WRONG, and argues to it that clearly Magic should be restricted to those who truly love it, who truly have a passion for it… People like HIM, people who are trulyworthy!

           Perhaps with some force, the Titan is swayed… And emboldened, Belos sets out the Coven System! It artificially makes other witches weaker, while uplifting a certain group, his own Emperor’s Coven. And members of that Coven…?

           To Belos, they’re people like him; People who are better than the rest, who EARNED that superiority by having a love of magic that he had! People who had to work smarter while others got by on just talent, a reward and justification for those who were studious –such as Amity, who had to work hard while Emira and Edric relied on talent- but willing to suffer! A form of reparations for one’s loneliness and inability, self-loathing and inadequacy, in the form of an elite group that puts you above the rest, to tell you that it’s okay, you were ALWAYS better and everybody else was just inferior and jealous of you!

           Belos sees Lilith. I’ve speculated that he has issues with being emotionally dependent… That he advised her on cursing Eda because to him, he genuinely wanted to help keep the sisters together! But I also have to wonder if Belos saw himself in Lilith… A kid who was overlooked and alone, who DID work hard, harder than most but wasn’t recognized because she lacked talent! A witch who needed to be smart and clever and work around her issues… Someone who deservedmore than others, to be treated special because of her lonely situation!

           And maybe that’s one reason why he accepts Lilith into his Emperor’s Coven, amidst other potential motives with more pragmatic undertones. To Belos, Lilith is someone he can understand, a person so desperate to prove themselves that they’ll do ANYTHING, even hinder others –be it by a curse of coven bindings- to validate themselves! Belos never had the guidance of anyone else save maybe the Titan… So he sees Lilith and others, and recruits them into his Emperor’s Coven to let them know that they’re not alone, to give them the opportunity to learn as they’ve always wanted!

          It’s like a dark and twisted version of Viney’s apprehension towards ‘outsiders’ to her friend group as people who might hurt her, Jerbo, and Barcus… A corrupted reflection of Viney carefully offering Luz the chance to learn with them in the Secret Room of Shortcuts! It’s as if Viney became truly bitter over her situation and decided that only people like her or Luz, or Jerbo and Barcus, deserved access to this sort of privilege, that only those willing to put in the work to TRULY learn magic should be allowed in! That everybody else is a potential threat and an encroacher, the way Boscha sees Willow as a threat to her popularity! The way Boscha believes that if people hate and mistreat you, it’s because you’re secretly BETTER than them…!

          And with someone like a psyche like this, who creates a Coven System meant to reflect these ideals and twisted lessons in life? No wonder so many people, when you look back, potentially reflect parts of Belos’ own personality, motives, actions, and history…! If he’s a counterpart to Luz, a dark parallel despite their shared Light motifs… He’s someone who believes in others who are separate from the rest and mistreated, a group of ‘misfits’ with a love of magic who have plenty of worth as people…

          …But unlike Luz, he never learned to stop being arrogant. Belos never learned that nobody is better than others, that believing in this ideal only retroactively justifies the same type of mistreatment he and others like him suffered! That Belos doesn’t recognize EVERYONE as having individual worth, only ‘his people’…

          It’s part of why he’s so patient with Lilith at first, why he gives her the chance to duel Eda on her own instead of forcing Eda to immediately join with Luz as a hostage; It’s why he lets Lilith prove herself! Not just for the pragmatic reason of Belos seeing if Lilith is trustworthy and competent… But because he also knows how much it means to a person, to want to be better than someone who’s been naturally more talented and ‘privileged’ than them!

          And he’s patient with Lilith’s bias for Eda, because BELOS never had to deal with a parasitic companion who hindered and dragged them down… Made them feel obligated to support them, instead of pursuing one’s own inherent greatness! But at the same time he wants Lilith to sever her emotional ties with Eda, because look at Belos! He doesn’t need connections, people told him that they didn’t want him, so he obliged by this sentiment and went off on his own! It’s hard for Belos to understand others; So why bother understanding them, if they never understood him?

          In Episode 2, Eda said that if one wants a magical destiny, they’d have to make it for themselves. To Belos, that’s what his Emperor’s Coven is… The idea that those who work hard and display genuine passion for magic have EARNED their destiny as his chosen elite, and that it makes them better than the rest… Because unlike Luz, he never learned to respect the stories and lives of all others as equal!

          It’s all just a childish way for Belos to cope with his childhood trauma and insecurities, to extend an olive branch to people he sees like him… Because Belos is aghast at the idea that he wasn’t mistreated because he was better than everyone! And he’s not content with the idea that at least he’s not LESSER than others, because that’s not enough for him! That he’s justified draining the bile of others, because to Belos he needs it more, and he’s going to make more use of it anyway, right? Because unlike the rest, HE has a brilliant vision… Only HE truly loves and appreciates magic, and can make the best use of the gift given to him by the Titan! And that’s why only Belos and his select few deserve the gift of Magic to begin with, or at least deserve to fully explore and utilize it!

          He’s still got sympathy for those ‘lesser’ witches, of course- The Coven System ensures they still have a place, that these inferior beings are reliant on one another in a codependent sense, and thus always together! So that neither they are lonely, like he was! But otherwise, those people are never allowed to embrace the ‘loneliness’ to become their own powerful individuals, the way the Emperor’s Coven is allowed to by being allowed access to all forms of Magic, unrestricted!

          Belos is Luz, if she never TRULY learned her lessons, if she was just content with the idea of being ‘better’ than others to make up for her own feelings of being different. He might see Luz, recognize himself in her… But unlike Lilith, Luz has learned, and she knows EXACTLY how twisted Belos and his message has become, how he’s become the very thing he’s swore to destroy; And she’ll reject him.

          And Belos will be HURT, because doesn’t Luz realize those other companion of hers are dragging her down?! Making her insist on conforming to THEIR weak standards, when in reality she should be embracing how much better and more magical she is!? He might continue offering his mentorship to Luz, as Belos begins to think, like Lilith, that he knows what’s best for this girl…

          That like Luz, Belos also gave a sense of belonging to others, but in this sense it was a VERY isolated sense of belonging, separate from the rest! And not done out of necessity and justified fear, the way Viney and the Detention Kids did… But out of a sense of entitlement, like I suffered, where’s my just and due compensation for this?!

          He’s like Willow, in that they felt stifled and not properly appreciated for who they were, but unlike Willow, Belos felt no guilt over wanting retribution over those he saw as mistreating him, and holding him back… He has genuine rage in his heart and Belos never moved past that identity. Willow and Belos both felt wrath over people acting like they were so much better than them, but unlike Willow, Belos took his retaliation as the chance to prove that, no, HE’S the one who’s so much stronger and better than you all!

          Luz and Belos are both Light; And Light reflects. They’re a reflection of one another in the end, a look at what the other could’ve become, under different circumstances… That Luz and Belos are both mirrors for each other to look into, and self-reflect upon by seeing themselves staring back. Belos is Luz, but if she’d never grown; If she’d never learned to differentiate conformity from having a sense of belonging.

          That there’s more to individuality than just being alone and ‘special’, that being a part of something and being your own person aren’t mutually exclusive. Belos is someone who is contradicting himself and the ideas he allegedly preaches, because he never TRULY made peace with who he was as a person and his feelings of loneliness, weakness, and inadequacy. That by this point he’s FORCING the idea of needing to be better than others upon himself, that in the end, Belos is still imposing a certain standard onto himself that he must live up to, in order to be happy with himself…

          That if he’s not good enough, that if he’s not BETTER… then Belos was never worth it, to begin with. He was never truly special, and never deserved to be chosen.

[souberbielle]

Lily Evans is Not a Bad Friend: A Closer Look at the Courtyard Scene

The courtyard conversation in The Prince’s Tale is not a scene I like. I hate the decision to set the Highly Amusing Murder Prank before the Snape’s Worst Memory incident, in my opinion shafting almost every participant’s character arc. I still hate that. That has not changed. But I also, and I am far from alone in this, hated what seemed to be Lily’s atrocious treatment of the boy she called her best friend, taking his bully’s word over his, and blowing off news that he nearly died. Except I’ve just examined it again, prompted by reading several essays and fanfictions based on that same interpretation, written by some of the snazziest people in the fandom – and I think we’re all wrong.

To come to that, from what I’ve seen, nearly universally-accepted conclusion, you have to assume that Lily and Severus have not previously spoken about the Prank, and that the version of events Lily heard came from James Potter. But neither assumption is warranted. 

I had previously assumed, as a lot of people do, that this conversation was the first one the friends had had about the Prank since it happened. That doesn’t really hold up, though. It’s been at least a day or two – Lily says it took place “the other night,” not “last night.” Still, it’s possible they haven’t gotten a chance to talk since then. However, if what Lily heard about “what happened the other night” is the first clue she’s gotten that anything happened that night, you’d think she would open the conversation by asking him about it. Instead, she only brings it up when Snape himself mentions the Marauders. It’s not unreasonable that she doesn’t ask if he’s okay or for his side of the story; she already knows he wasn’t hurt, and he’s had his chance to explain. Her reproachful “I heard what happened the other night” is more likely to mean “I found out about that thing you refused to tell me about” than “I just learned something awful happened to you.” 

Why wouldn’t Snape give her his own account? I don’t think he could.

In PoA, Lupin’s account of the Prank tells us that, following the incident, Snape was “forbidden by Dumbledore to tell anybody” about Lupin’s lycanthropy – and possibly about the Prank itself. This could mean that Snape simply made a promise and was expected to keep it or face punishment. Or it could refer to a magical gag order, perhaps something like the Tongue-Tying Curse put on Grimmauld Place by Moody to keep Snape from revealing its location. His incoherence later in the courtyard scene, attributed by the narration to his “bitterness and dislike” could potentially also be related to such a restriction.

If the only thing keeping Snape from telling anybody were his own honor, he would tell Lily. We know this because he is trying to tell Lily. Dropping heavy-handed hints about his werewolf theory is a clear violation of the spirit of Dumbledore’s injunction. If he could say, “Remus Lupin is a werewolf and he nearly killed me,” he would do it, so it seems he cannot. 

Now, about that theory…

Lily responds to Snape’s leading questions about Remus as though they’ve been down this road before and she’s sick of it. “I know your theory,” she says. Which is odd. If this established, well-known Werewolf Theory of Snape’s predates the Prank, why would he knowingly go down a tunnel to follow a werewolf who is about to transform? The whole point of the incident was that Sirius knew the danger he was sending Snape into, but Snape didn’t. So, either the theory Lily is talking about is something other than lycanthropy (unlikely) or it’s a very recent development. The Prank happened just “the other night,” but Lily is already weary enough of the topic to call Severus “obsessed.” It seems like Snape has been desperately trying to get around his gag order. He’s probably been answering all questions about “what happened the other night” with werewolf hints. In his mind, he’s trying to explain in the only way he can, but Lily would see it as an attempt to deflect and avoid her questions, the way he really is deflecting and avoiding her concerns about Avery and Mulciber.

 So, she gets the story from another source, one she apparently considers reliable enough that she presents their version to Severus as hard fact. Most people assume this story came from James Potter or his friends, either directly or through the gossip mill, and therefore criticize Lily for taking the word of the boy she calls “an arrogant toerag” over that of her best friend. But, again, that assumption doesn’t bear out.

 For one thing, are the Marauders really likely to circulate a version of events that includes the fact that there’s a “tunnel by the Whomping Willow” and something “down there” that could kill someone on a full moon night? Sure, Snape’s Worst Memory shows they can be cavalier about discussing secrets where they might be overheard, but they have just been reminded of the dangers of a breach of secrecy. Are they really going to spread around the existence of the Willow tunnel, when that’s exactly the information that nearly got Snape killed? Do they really want people to pay close attention to who and what goes in and out of that tunnel? And do they want to be caught by teachers sharing this secret after what just happened with Sirius?

  Additionally, Lily presents the information like it came from a trustworthy source. Considering her view of James Potter, she’s likely to give his accounts of his own accomplishments about the same credence as, say, Gilderoy Lockhart’s. If the tale came directly from him, she wouldn’t state it as unbiased fact. The same thing applies if she heard it through the grapevine. She would begin, “People are saying...” instead of “I heard what happened.”

 Even if she were gullible enough to just accept gossip as gospel, her actions suggest the story isn’t common knowledge. She “drop[s] her voice” before introducing this new subject. Why doesn’t she want to be overheard? It can’t be that she doesn’t want people to hear her upbraid Severus, because she’s been doing that the whole conversation. It must be the content she’s worried about, which means it isn’t a story that’s already circulating.

My guess is that she heard it from the faculty, most likely by eavesdropping on teachers’ private conversation, but possibly by asking Slughorn, who has been known to share behind-the-scenes Hogwarts info with his favorite students. Information from a teacher wouldn’t be inherently suspect the way student gossip or Potter’s boasting would, and the story fits with her interpretation of Severus’ behavior. Since she has no reason to think the Werewolf Theory has anything to do with the Tunnel Incident (because why wouldn’t Severus just say so?) it does look ungrateful of him to hide the fact that James saved his life by making up nasty rumors about his sickly friend. She didn’t mention it until Snape forced the issue himself by harping on Lupin, in the same way that she didn’t bring up Petunia’s letter to Dumbledore until Petunia insulted the world she’d been so eager to join. (The similarity of these incidents – she even lowers her voice both times – may be another indication that Lily found out both secrets by snooping.)

So, contrary to popular belief, Lily Evans is not being a bad best friend to Snape in this scene. She’s just fed up with him distracting her with Scooby-Doo mysteries when she’s trying to hold an intervention.

((It’s possible this is old news to the fandom. Apologies if that’s the case. But I’ve literally never once seen this interpretation anywhere, and I’ve read a lot of Snape and Lily fic and meta. People have varying views on whether Lily’s behavior is justified and whether it’s intentional on Rowling’s part, but I’ve always seen it presented as a given that she is condemning her best friend on the word of James Potter, without giving Severus a chance to defend himself. Until one hour ago, I believed that too. So, I’m sharing my revelation.))

[conceptsnest]

NEGOTIATION MINDSET: BEHAVIOURS & EMOTIONS INVOLVED

Negotiation is an inherent part of influencing someone. In a work environment, it can be external negotiations, with a supplier or a client; or internal, with a boss, colleague or subordinate. But we must also negotiate with ourselves, be aware of instinctive reactions (psychological and physical), in order to regulate them and respond consciously and appropriately to the circumstances so that we get the best result. All negotiations comprise two dimensions: The “substance,” meaning the subject matter or objective of the negotiation, and the “relationship,” i.e., the interaction or connection with the other person. We negotiate because we are looking to gain something or because the relationship with the other party is important. These two dimensions are always in play and under tension because the things we do to improve the substance—such as not making concessions—damage the relationship to a certain degree. Conversely, when we try to grow the relationship, decisions like being flexible can lessen the substance, which in turn becomes a source of frustration. Our Emotional Reactions

In order to change, we must be aware of the behaviour that needs changing. Most of us fall into assumptions or mindsets about negotiation, generally as a result of emotional reactions that trigger certain behaviours and can have an influence on either maximizing our benefit or achieving the exact opposite. Indeed, oftentimes the problem is not the behaviour itself, but rather the mindset that generates that behaviour. Changing mindsets will automatically bring about different results. Some of the most common assumptions regarding negotiation are:  Competing?: . . .  Not always. It is incorrectly assumed that negotiating implies competing. It is necessary sometimes, but not always. The key is being capable of adapting our behavior to the circumstances.

“Wait and see” vs. “be proactive.” . . . . Perhaps, due to ignorance, most people go to negotiations hoping to see how the other party behaves and then react accordingly. We tend to be reactive, which is a mistake because we have a huge capacity to influence others if we are proactive, if we have a definite plan and a clear approach to negotiating. When it comes to reactivity, the advice is: “Do not react. Wait, buy time, then respond.”

The value available is definite: . . . . That’s why we compete: We think we must divide what’s there and take the biggest piece, when it’s easy to increase the value available in a negotiation.

Not identifying intention with impact: . . . . There is a clear lack of communication in negotiations. The counterpart’s intentions are always misinterpreted because that makes evolutionary sense. If an ambiguous signal is sent, the recipient will always interpret it in the worst possible way. In a negotiation, we need to send clear messages.

Short term versus long term: . . . . . We tend to think in the short term, however collaborative thinking in the long term is more beneficial.

As for this last assumption, it is also important to mention reputation, which is difficult to build but can be destroyed in a heartbeat. Having a short-term mentality keeps us from thinking about the implications of our actions in the long run. Nevertheless, we should not simply place our trust if we do not have a basis for doing so. The key is to be trustworthy, but not overly trusting. The first key to negotiation, thus, is the mindset, being aware that we carry baggage that makes us react in a certain way that is not always the most appropriate. If we change our mindset, we change the behaviour and can get different results. Most of us fall into assumptions or mindsets about negotiation, generally as a result of emotional reactions that trigger certain behaviours and can have an influence on either maximizing our benefit or achieving the exact opposite. Negotiation Styles

There are five styles of negotiation, depending on how much the substance and relationship matter: A) - Competing: . . . . There are people for whom substance is everything and the relationship doesn’t matter. Their style of negotiation tends to be aggressive: they compete. The benefit is that it always gets great results; the downside is that in the long run nobody wants to play with them.

B) – Avoiding: . . . . . When neither substance nor relationship matters, we tend to avoid it.

C) - Accommodating: . . . . .. When the substance is minor and inconsequential, and the relationship is very important, we tend to adapt to their requests. The long-term problem is that the substance will be insignificant.

D) - Compromise: . . . . .. When both dimensions matter (neither for you nor for me), the decision is to compromise (50-50%) because it is quick and seems equitable.

E) - Collaborating: . . . . .. This style maximizes both the relationship and the substance. It is quite complex and definitely not innate. It requires training and counteracting our impulses. We can only collaborate when we have enough time and knowledge and we care about both dimensions.

Which style is best? That depends on the circumstances. We all have a predetermined style that we feel most comfortable with and we unconsciously revert to that in stressful situations, such as negotiations. We must be clear on two objectives: first, being aware of our own automatic reaction; second, using a style that fits the circumstances. From the outset, we must take into account that the collaborating style is not innate, since our instinctive reactions often lead us to compete, avoid, accommodate or compromise. To be able to move from positions to interests we must ask open questions, showing curiosity, without prejudice. Elements for a Collaborative Negotiation Framework Generally, simple criteria are used to define what a successful negotiation looks like. However, the criteria are lacking and leave us exposed to manipulation. Thus, it requires a more complex model that can:

Some key elements that are key in a negotiation process are: A) - Interests: . . . . . The needs and motivations that lead to negotiation. It is important to differentiate negotiations from positions, which are a unique way of satisfying an interest or a specific demand. We should ask about the interests of each party because the objective of a negotiation is to reach the point where both our interests and those of the other party are satisfied, so that the agreement is fulfilled. We need to make our own interests known in order for them to be met, but we should never reveal how important our top priorities really are. It is also vital to know what others want, so that we don’t offer them too much.

B) - Options: . . . . . Once both parties’ interests have been identified, that is when solutions are proposed. The key is to come up with as many options as possible and settle on the one with the most value. It is important to create a space that allows for brainstorming, and to separate the output of options from the selection process. This allows us to maximize the chances of creating an option that achieves the highest possible satisfaction of the interests at stake.  C) - Criteria for legitimacy: . . . . . When options abound, some will benefit one party, and some will benefit the other. The goal is to reach equitable agreements by means of shared criteria for legitimacy.  D) - Alternatives: . . . . . This implies everything that can be done to satisfy our interests without needing the other party, away from the negotiating table. If there are alternatives, they will always have to offer us something better.  E) - Relationship and communication: . . . . . In a negotiation, the goal is to spend as much time as possible talking about interests, options and criteria for legitimacy. This requires fluid communication and a fluid relationship. A variety of tools can be used to move from positions (demands of the negotiating parties) to interests (underlying needs that are not obvious). Foremost of these is the asking of open questions, showing genuine curiosity, without prejudice. We cannot have mindset of certainty; instead, we need to turn the negotiation into a learning-oriented conversation. After asking a question, silence comes into play. When used properly, given the discomfort it generates, it can help us get answers. We must also be aware of the emotional reactions it triggers in us and not react to it if we do not wish to. Next, we have listening, which should be approached as a two-way tool: We must listen not only to understand, but also to make the other person feel heard. And to achieve this second aim, we must demonstrate our understanding. Here are three methods for doing so:

1)      Repeating: . . . . .. The advantage is that it is very easy, but it does not really convey true understanding. There is no risk of mistakes; it allows us to continue the conversation.

2)      Paraphrasing: . . . . .. To say the same thing in our own words conveys a greater degree of understanding, but does not allow the conversation to move forward; it is like an insurance policy for having a smooth communication.

3)      Reformulating: . . . . .. This is a negotiator’s secret weapon, which opens any and all doors. It consists of constantly reflecting interests, making the person feel heard and understood. But, instead of echoing what they express, which is usually positions, it is about conveying the interests in a positive light while looking toward the future.

Again, the key to negotiation is changing mindsets. Simply by changing the purpose of the conversation, we will get better results. The very process of listening with genuine curiosity and showing understanding, not conformity, makes the relationship and communication flow, enabling negotiation to become an activity that strengthens relationships and maximizes value.

Content Curated By: Dr Shoury Kuttappa

[nehapatel64]

Devakshi’s Guide to Friendship

Devakshi have one of the most realistic of stories because it progressed from hatred to cordiality and sprung forth from a deep rooted friendship. This friendship is what helped them flourish in their dating days, and the regression of this component is what killed them in the end. Throughout their marriage, Devakshi worked so hard on being husband, wife and DIL, that they forgot how to be friends. Years later, we are again seeing bittersweet cordiality sprout into the beginnings of a friendship. Here are a few lessons Devakshi taught us about friendship followed by an analysis on what they had lost as spouses and are regaining again.

1. Given the right circumstances, even the dearest people who you trust the most can fail you. Not because they started loving you less but because something along the cores of friendship (communication, patience, understanding), started faltering.

2. It’s never too late to apologize or to forgive. Don’t regret the lost time. Make up for it. Forgiveness may take time and won’t be complete immediately, but with baby steps, it can happen.

3. Some people are more prone to forgiveness and less prone to long-lasting anger than others. People need their time and space, but only communication can eventually revive what was lost. In this case, Dev is far more optimistic and eager than Sona for full recovery of the “good old days”. 

4. Mistakes, though some worse than others, are never one-sided. The quicker you can accept this, the easier it will be. 

5. Love is not unconditional- friendship is. It’s friendship that makes you respect a person at all costs and friendship only that gives you the right to kick someone to reality AND help them back up. 

6. Friendship is the foundation of all great relationships. Making friends may come easy for some, but staying friends is a true attestation to love. Never forget to cherish that above anything else. 

“LOVE IS FRIENDSHIP THAT HAS CAUGHT ON FIRE...

     Every love story incorporates a deep friendship, but not all friendship is necessarily romantic. In the last three episodes, we saw Dev’s misunderstanding about Jatin clear up and a bond of friendship reforming between Dev and Sona. Upon seeing Jatin and Sona’s bond, Dev did perceive Jatin as a friendship that had amplified to something more. As much as he tried to believe Sona (and boy did he try to believe her), overhearing two shady conversation and seeing Jatin and Sona together at Devakshi’s favorite date place tipped him over the edge. The first of 3 episodes started with a drunk Dev saying “Ms. Sonakshi Bose. Tum yehi thi. aur yehi ban ke rehna chahti thi”Aur aaj ke baad to Ms. Sonakshi Bose ban ke hi rahogi.” De is implying that Sona was inherently inclined to break her relationship with Dev, and to break relationships in general. In the next second, Dev had a repeat self-realization that he has no right or reason to think she shouldn’t move on or there was something between them left to mend. As expected, Dev at this point decided he is never going to try to win her back, as if he is convincing himself to move on. 

  Jatin was circumstantially dragged into this mess and stayed there as Sona’s guardian and best friend. When he showed up with the police, Dev did a double take , as if he was gauging whether he should be upset that Jatin is helping Sona or thankful that he did so much for his family. To be honest, I thought it would take time for Dev to believe that Jatin and Sona weren’t together. But Sona had proved her trustworthiness at various points before Khatri’s arrest that he was ready to keep and open mind when listening about her and Jatin’s collaboration.

IT IS MUTUAL CONFIDENCE....

     As friends, Devakshi had a confidence in each other’s judgement, strength and kind heartedness. This included things as small as Dev calling Sona about taking sleeping pills or the way he took care of Sona during her accident. In fact, this was one of the biggest reasons they started falling in love with each other. Devakshi’s greatest asset as lovers was their confidence in each other’s love and the unhesitant promise to stay together forever. It wasn’t until after marriage that Dev and Sona stopped talking, understanding and listening. For Dev, explaining his intensity, his past and his family dynamics became an exhaustive task he barely tried to do. Sona, on the other hand, struggled to make Dev understand her intentions as a new married woman of the house and how her marriage to him can’t be separated from her marriage to his family. This became most prominent with the jhula track, where neither Sona understood how fast she was trying to change Dev nor Dev maintained the honesty required of a husband, and it only got worse from there. (This is where Asha aunty and my FAVORITE Dev and Ish hug come into play :) ). With worsening communication came decreased trust. Weakening of trust led to decreased confidence in each other and their promises. Dev and Sona had no doubt, that they really loved each other, even if that was the easiest bitter accusation to make 7 years later. If anything, they were disappointed with themselves and each other that they couldn’t maintain the promises or confidence in each other that had started brewing with their friendship. Seven years later, Dev and Sona started off showing off that they don’t need each other, trust each other, love each other and never did. However, Jatin and Khatri’s secret brought a turning point to both of their psyches that brought them to something resembling friendship. When Khatri asked Sona what Dev was to her, she confidently admitted that they have a relationship of maan, maryada and dosti. Even thought she hadn’t yet confronted a raging Dev since the fight, distance from Dev made the heart grow fonder, and Asha’s words on trusting brought a new epiphany and ray of hope for Sona. She wasn’t ready to love him again but became aware of the advantages of opening up to her friend and trusting him again. 

Sona herself was wondering how she could get Dev to believe and react appropriately to Khatri’s and Jatin’s truth. In order to stop Dev from killing Khatri (as expected from him), Sona started by establishing her trust on him rather than asking him to trust her. “Maine zindagi main tujhse zyada kisi pe barosa nahi kiya”.  The fact that she paused in completing this sentence showed it was something even she hadn’t fully accepted in a long time. But with Asha’s recent emphasis on trust, and Dev’s recent distrust, she subconsciously found the perfect point on which he could believe her. By not telling him how he should feel but rather showing her faith in him, Sona got Dev to calm down. Having Sona accidentally call Ishwari maa during her explanation yet again served a similar purpose. Dev started sensing how Sona had truly accepted his family’s problem as hers and how Sona still feels that emotional connect with the people who he knows had hurt her so much. From that point on, Dev became more prepared to verbalize his guilt and appreciation. Dev saw Sona standing with Khatri and couldn’t even dream that Sona would have come there just for his well being. This made Dev think she was involved in Khatri’s planning, and Jatin showing up could have also ended in something worse. However, all of these small moments collaboratively helped Dev be grateful to Sona and again cleared Dev’s doubt on Jatin’s role. Dev’s helplessness, guilt, fears, faults and regrets started coming out like uncontrollable word vomit post Khatri’s arrest, and he was once again taken aback when he saw Sona TRULY meant it when she said she trusted him. Dev was shocked seeing Sona consoling him and worrying about him, which forced him to recognize that his Sona, his best friend, was again at his side. 

IT IS QUIET UNDERSTANDING...

     A friend will joke with you confide in you and love you. But only a best friend has the patience, generosity and foresight to make you understand something about yourself better than you do and to tell you how they feel without needing to say much at all. In many cases, the body language ends up speaking louder than the words. There were several instances where Sona’s actions were more effective than all her explanations, but I’ll just discuss the best ones that come to mind. 

      As stated before, we saw Dev’s breakdown soon after Khatri’s exit. As soon as Khatri left, Dev assumed that his mom’s crime must be money related, as money was the one thing that the family could have been desperate enough for.  That doesn’t mean that this is all there is to the crime, or that what Dev is assuming is actually true. Now coming to Dev’s assumption that Ishwari robbed a family. Immediately after it dawned on him that the crime could have been a robbery, Dev started describing the desperate situations of his old life. Dev understands the plight of a poor person, and can see Ishwari’s act from that angle. Furthermore, it is an initial instinct to be in shock and denial when the mother you worshipped for so long may have potentially been involved in crime. Dev never once claimed this crime as okay. Rather, he emphasized just that he wishes he could have done something to prevent it. Dev has always been selfless. Even when he has hurt people, it’s because he didn’t know how to find a permanent balance between all the people he loved. In trying not to break hearts, he broke several. It’s this trait that makes Dev reprimand his 10-year-old self for not being the man of the house and made him confess to Sonakshi that he was unable to fulfill whatever little she had demanded of him. Sonakshi tried to reason with Dev regarding all his issues, but Dev only wiped his tears once she grabbed his arm and said, “It’s fine. It’s ok.” All of Sona’s previous words, though true, sounded like justifications to what Dev considered his faults. But when she grabbed his arm and said nothing but “It’s ok”, the cloud seemed to have lifted for now. It was as if Dev didn’t need someone telling him where he was right but a best friend who would patiently stand by him even when he was wrong. 

     Dev started outwardly expressing this comfort by subtly holding her hands a few time. Eventually, his emotions took over, and Dev couldn’t resist wrapping Sona in a bear hug. He thanked her not only for helping with Khatri but for coming back as the best friend he has needed for years. Golu was the closest to this kind of support Dev has ever had, but neither he nor Sona, could calm his heart’s turmoil like Sona did. Sona, on the other hand, only half hugged Dev. She was not fully ready to allow Dev into her bubble but knew how much he needed that at the time.

      We see Dev’s second breakdown when he thought about how unaware he was about the inner guilt that Ishwari had suffered through by herself. Ishwari’s secret lends to why she was so overprotective of her children, and potentially to why she had such a paranoia of Dev leaving her or no longer loving her. Dev is now realizing that this aspect of Ishwari’s behavior runs far deeper than basic insecurity and is feeling guilty that this was something he could never tune into or relieve. When Sona walks into the room, she immediately recognizes that Dev needed to release all of his emotions and for now just needed a shoulder to cry on. Therefore, she initially sat there with a hand on Dev’s shoulder while he continued his conversation with himself. We see Sona’s squeezes Dev’s shoulder even harder when he says he was a bad husband, as if to non-verbally assure him that neither was his love meaningless nor was her hatred for him real. Sona served as his silent shoulder to lean on until Dev had run out of things to say.

     Devakshi had their first light-hearted conversation as friends after the anniversary celebrations. Here we saw how Dev approached Sonakshi so carefully and started opening up upon seeing her smiling phase and receptive mood. Dev became so hopeful that he leaned in for a hug when Sona was only willing to to give a handshake. While this did lend to a humorous moment, we also saw the most understanding exchange between the friends, which happened just by picking up on each other’s indirect cues. When Sona silently offered her hand, Dev immediately admitted that it will take time for them to open up, but they will start to understand each other more with time. When Dev was unable to let go of her hand, Sona picked up that he didn’t actually want her to go and actually gave him a few chances to hold her back. 

     This ability to understand what the other needed or wanted better than he/she could was something Devakshi possessed prior to their marriage and started dying in their relationship. The scene that immediately came to my mind was when Dev quite literally asked Sona to understand his heart’s desires, which was something he knew even he couldn’t do. In comparison to this, Devakhi’s marriage showed increasing disconnect between the two in which even things said directly went insanely misunderstood or ignored. 

SHARNG AND FORGIVING ...

Devakshi have again reached a point where they take time to reflect on things that happen in their lives. They have reached a point where they can at least share their feelings, if not forget about them, and show each other a mirror where it’s most required. I love how Sona was able to compare Dev to Ishwari without a single ounce of bitterness. Instead, Sona took it as a moment to show Dev that he is doing to himself exactly what he regrets Ishwari doing: keeping all her pain contained and releasing it in an unwise way when he can’t take it anymore. To this extent, we can say Sona has forgiven Dev. She is not ready to forget and make the same mistakes again, but she is able to talk about the people who hurt her the most in a way that will help them the most. She was always able to identify Dev’s flaws, but after 7 years is attempting to at least understand what she can’t fully justify. 

     Even Dev, who was keen on calling Sona the obodro that left him, had huge moments of self reflection he was able to confess. When Devakshi were at the farmhouse, he admitted he was the reason that Sona had become an obodhro, and that she used to be the girl who laughed at his stupidest jokes. 

We see in the conversation after the anniversary, that Devakshi aren’t just opening up about their problems but actually taking time to enjoy each other’s company. Sonakshi is sitting here laughing at Dev’s stupid joke when, not even hours before, he was regretting that he changed her from the woman who laughed at his stupidest jokes to an obodro. Dev is almost more hopeful for full recovery of "the good old days”, and Sona is more hesitant. He doesn’t take long to ease into making jokes and friendly conversation once she welcomingly smiles and gives him the green light. By the end of the conversation, he’s even prepared for a friendly hug that she, albeit politely, declines. 

     It seemed throughout their entire marriage, Devakshi grabbed at the small happy moments they could to flow through the whirlwind called life. Devakshi stopped appreciating each other’s presence and stopped reflecting on those happier moments. Positive vibes became a needle in the haystack that they struggled to find and had no moment to cherish before the next problem arose. 

IT IS LOYALTY THROUGH GOOD AND BAD TIMES...

     Trust and loyalty are two components that require all the previously mentioned characteristics. When the understanding goes down, the confidence in each other decreases as well. When the confidence in someone decreases, it’s hard to trust them, and lack of trust makes loyalty all the more difficult. We aren’t talking just about a dying love or an extramarital affair. There was nothing in Devakshi’s relationship suggesting they loved each other less or really had plans to move on. Even though the circumstances for the break up had been building for eons, the intention was there to be with each other through everything. Devakshi stopped trusting each other’s ability to be there with each other against all odds. That’s why by the end, when Vicky put the blame on Dev for the prenup and losing Bose house, Sona believed it. As much as Dev had tried to balance his life, he had failed to do it and failed to realize that he had failed. At this point in time, Sona had reached the maximum point of her tolerance and was willing to believe that Dev could do anything of any caliber (even hurt her) for his family. Dev, who was still ether oblivious or in subconscious denial of his faults or his family’s faults, trusted his log-changing, superhero woman to be by his side through all difficulties. He didn’t think there was any problem so big that they, especially she, couldn’t handle. 

Eight years later, Dev is standing outside of the farmhouse admitting that he had failed as a husband and couldn’t provide Sona with what little support required through good and bad times. He is questioning why she is still there standing by his side when he couldn’t do the same and realizing on surface level, where he went wrong in their relationship and where he has gone wrong since they reunited years later. On the other hand, Sona voices that “Ek problem kya aa gayi, aur maine haar mani.” I’m sure many of us raised our eyebrows at how Sona reduced their marriage to one problem. However, the idea of that statement was that she was recognizing from what angle Dev would say that she left him too. Both had made promises they couldn’t keep. The main difference is, while Dev’s was a gradual downfall, Sona’s tolerance started declining exponentially. The Dev who had broken down his hard shell for this woman became so soft, he couldn’t handle the necessary struggles. The woman who found a best friend in her enemy and considered him her first and last love even when she was losing him to Natasha, couldn’t stand up to the promise she made once she had him. Now, Sona is able to be that person again, and Dev is able to recognize and appreciate that. 

At the end of this anniversary day, Dev is laying awake in bed, worrying about all of his new revelations. Conversely, Sona is unable to sleep while thinking specifically about him. She was there to hold his hand and wipe his tears. In some time, we should be seeing Dev do the same. 

IT SETTLES FOR LESS THAN PERFECTION AND MAKES ALLOWANCES FOR HUMAN WEAKNESSES.”

Some of my favorite scenes of all time have been when Dev or Sona are sitting below and against the other. These scenes are always full of impromptu calming motions such as holding hands, caressing the face and playing with fingers. Furthermore, seeing one kneel before the other amplifies the helplessness of the tormented person and portrays how they are with each other through their ugliest cries and weakest moments. Sona loved Dev even more when he was able to show her his weak side. Dev loved Sona even more for accepting it wholeheartedly. The first time we saw this was during Neha’s wedding. As a boyfriend, Dev had plans to keep his pain within and not worry his girlfriend, But he immediately broke down when she reminded him that she will always be a friend first. This was followed by a very appreciative and intimate “thank you” by Dev the next morning. In this instance, and in Dev ki Deewangi, Dev poured out his woes as non-stop tears. In both instances, Sona worried for him from within but stayed strong and practical to (quite literally) help him get back up on his feet.

We never saw such effective release of emotion through Devakshi’s entire marriage. When they said something, they fought about it. When they had a breakdown, it was more accusatory and usually resulted in the other person denying it or the hurt person forgetting it. The most recent example was just prior to Devkashi’s break up, we saw Sona’s least effective breakthrough of all time, She yelled her heart out, only for him to divert from the main point. They forgot it all in the heat of a romantic night, and it only became worse when Sona jumped up with joy at the thought of seeing Ishwari the morning after. 

Today, Sona is kneeling before Dev. We have seen in the past that the one having the roughest breakdown is the one usually on the ground. But this time, Sona came and kneeled down in front of him. That’s when I realized it’s not the person having the breakdown who is always on the ground. It’s the person who is ready to have all the emotions (whoever’s emotions they may be) come pouring out. Dev was stressed, but stoic. Sona showed up to hold his hand, comfort him and make him accept what was still bothering him. With her help, Dev was able to reason through the fact that Ishari’s past may have tarnished the hard work Dev put into this family but does not define it. By talking to Sona, he realized it’s time to stop blaming himself for not being able to prevent Ishwari’s guilt, and that the only way she would be able to absolve from any sins or guilt is the face the problem up front. As Sona always used to, she provoked Dev to release his deepest worries and used this knowledge to strengthen him rather than judge him or his family. 

[kat-and-her-cat-blog]

Finding Myself

Sunday, April 23rd, 2017 3:02AM

Both of my parents are narcissists. That’s easy to see from the outside, but harder to come to terms with as their child. Narcissistic parents leave their children with quite a bit of damage, especially when the narcissistic parent is the one raising the child. I lucked out in the sense that despite both of my parents having narcissistic traits, I was only raised by one of them, my mother.

Don’t get me wrong, my father is absolutely a narcissist too, but at least I only had to deal with him part-time. Some of the things I had to deal with, with both parents, were:

Favouritism. Blatant, obvious, and fluctuating favouritism. The favouritism with my mother, tended to be towards Timmy, without much fluctuation, but with my father it was a constant back-and-forth. The common trend with both parents though, was that the favourite was always the child who made them look the best, did what they wanted the child to do, and/or caused the least problems.

Blame. “I can’t do [activity] because of [person].” That person wasn’t always me, or Timmy. With my mother, it usually was, but my father will blame anybody but himself, for anything. Mom would do things like, “I can’t read my book, because you guys keep coming in my room to talk to me,” regardless of the circumstances. There would be days where I would come home, and try to tell her about whatever it was that I was out doing, only to be yelled at, because Timmy had been in her room for half an hour talking to her, before I got home. There would also be days where there would be a twenty minute gap between trips to her room to talk to her, and she would complain because the other sibling had “just left” the room. That happened from the time we were little, up until I moved out about two years ago. Dad blamed us less, probably because he wasn’t around enough for us to actually prevent him from doing anything. Instead, he’ll blame things on random people in his life, or he’ll just blame circumstances, as if they weren’t preventable. If a relationship fails, it’s not because he did anything wrong, it’s always the girlfriend’s fault. The time he spent our Christmas money buying himself a new phone, after swearing up and down that Timmy and I were each getting a present that year, wasn’t his fault, because the phone he already owned just wasn’t good enough, but we should be grateful that he held onto the money from July until mid-December because “he tried.” The time he threw out every single Christmas present Timmy and I had ever given him (we had a tradition for years where we bought him the seasonal Tim Horton’s mug), wasn’t his fault, because he was moving, and needed space in his luggage for “more important” things (like his outdated gaming consoles). I could go on about both parents forever, so I’m going to stop this point here. 

Selfishness. Everything has to be about them. When my dad calls me, it’s because he wants to talk about himself, as soon as I try to talk about my life, he suddenly has to go, or he turns it into a story about himself. If I say that someone is bugging me, he has a story about someone in his life acting the same way, which he’ll tell, before I’ve finished expressing my feelings. When I talk to my mother, it’s similar. She won’t end the conversation when I talk about myself, but she will get really pissy if I change the topic back to me, after she’s started talking about herself.

Jealousy/Competitiveness. This one is more noticeable in my mother, but I can see it in my father a little. Neither of them like when someone else is the center of attention. With Dad it’s mostly just changing the topic back to himself, whereas my mother will make snide comments, or try to compete with me. When I had the flu this winter, I was lucky it wasn’t as bad as when she had it ten years ago. When I told her about Joe and I’s budget for Anime North, I got a snide comment about how “it must be nice to be able to afford that,” and a huff when I reminded her that Joe saves up for six months, and it’s the only trip we go on. (Anime North is his thing, so he pays for it, and gives me spending money, which is considered an early birthday present, and a thank-you for going with him). Even little things like when I send her a cute picture of Tiger cuddling with me, or Kitty holding my hand hostage, she never fails to follow-up with a picture of her own cat(s) doing something similar. She even competes with things like who’s the most broke, even though she knows I get $400 less than her each month. On a few occasions, she’s tried to compete with me for who’s the most mentally unstable. If I’m having a bad day, and don’t have the energy to shower, she didn’t have the energy to get dressed. Again, I could go on forever. 

Ultimately, everything always had to go whichever way the parent I was interacting with wanted.

One of the main ways this has affected me over the years, is that I’ve lost touch with my sense of self. I’ve had to develop multiple personas as a survival technique with each of my parents, in multiple situations. I would sometimes have to be a quiet person, who stayed in my room, and didn’t interact with anybody. Other days I would have to be incredibly chatty, because the parent I was with wanted to talk that day. I had to be agreeable, and follow their rules, even if said rules were completely unreasonable. Sometimes I would decide not to be agreeable, and would question things, which ultimately ended up getting me hurt, either emotionally, or physically. 

This coping skill wound up making its way into my everyday life.

I developed a persona for myself while I was working, which was helpful, because it helped me cope with my anxiety. I developed a persona for myself in high school, which was unhelpful, because it definitely cost me the chance to make more friends. I developed a persona for myself while I was living in group homes, which helped me get along with the other residents better, but resulted in me being in the system for longer than I could have been. 

Who I appear to be, can change on a daily basis, depending on what’s going on. It’s exhausting, and confusing. 

I spent a long time feeling out of touch with myself, and not knowing who I really was. I’m finally starting to discover who I really am, because I finally don’t need to pretend to be someone I’m not, just to keep myself safe.

I am a good person. I love animals, especially my cats. I want a dog. I generally try to see the best in people, which sometimes gets me hurt. I don’t do well with criticism, but I’m working on that. I hold grudges. I’m generally very angry, and I hate that about myself. My fight or flight instinct usually sends me running, but if I have to fight, I fight ruthlessly. I can’t keep secrets from Joe for long periods of time. I like to talk, but only when I know someone well. It takes me a while to become comfortable with new people. I give respect when it’s earned, and try not to when it isn’t. I have a hard time being rude to people. I’m not good with confrontation. I sleep best when someone else is around (even if they’re in a different room). I keep my promises. I have a short temper. I’m loud when I’m comfortable with the people I’m with, but quite when I’m not. I like to cuddle. I’m loyal. I’m trustworthy. I’m not as motivated as I could be, and sometimes I don’t try hard enough. I don’t like being wrong. I hold onto embarrassment for too long. I don’t always share my feelings when I should. I don’t always have a filter when I should. I am a complex individual, with lots of feelings, and a colourful personality. I am not perfect, but my flaws are a valuable part of who I am. I was not born broken. I am strong enough to move past my history. I deserve to be loved.

 My mother led me to believe that I was born broken. She made me feel like I was crazy, and as if there was something wrong with me. I spent years thinking that was true. I’ve since come to realize, that there is nothing inherently wrong with me, I was simply damaged by being improperly cared for. I’ve also come to realize that I’m strong enough to put myself back together, and move past her abusive behaviour.

My father led me to believe that I wasn’t deserving of love. He made me feel like I acted out too much to deserve to be loved. I’ve since come to realize that he was trying to manipulate me into being his puppet. I’ve decided not to let that happen again, and have started defending myself, and my beliefs, even when it leads to arguments. I’ve also started letting myself be loved, and am working towards not doubting, or questioning it excessively. 

It’s a long process, and a tough journey, but I’m working on finding myself, after I was lost in a sea of abuse, and coping mechanisms.

[ezra-blue]

Okay, but now I want to hear about the fankids... ^-^

… so I wrote approximately 750k words of Gojyo/Sanzo with kids once. You know. Over the course of three years. I don’t talk about it much because it’s a little embarrassing. Not so embarrassing that I stopped, but embarrassing to the point that I was pretty sure nobody in the fandom would ever talk to me.

I’ve gotten past the point where I thought there was a secret fandom cabal that would blacklist me and that talks about me behind my back.

But the fankids are still a thing.

Yohei, the older twin, is a punk with a quick temper. He’s got Sanzo’s blond hair that he eventually grows out, blue eyes, and ends up as tall as Gojyo. He’s got a huge protective streak for his younger siblings, an enthusiasm for soccer, and a love of motorcycles. He gets along best with Gojyo and, oddly, Hakuryuu. Due to Gojyo and Sanzo’s ongoing love-troubles, he clashes with Sanzo. He sees Goku as a trustworthy big brother, until Goku has to leave (because plot happened). He also struggles with feelings of powerlessness – it’s hard to be ten when your family’s in danger. He’s got ambition, and may have inherited some of Sanzo’s inherent divinity.

Eiji is the shy, smart one of the twins. He ended up hanyou, but his family has done their devil best not to let him feel any different or any less despite trying to live in the world after the Minus Wave. He’s ended up favoring Sanzo, including needing glasses for his farsightedness and being willing to engage Sanzo when he’s upset, meeting his nastiness with calm. He’s also close with Hakkai, though this is not to say he doesn’t love Gojyo, because he does, he’s just aware of Gojyo’s flaws. He, too, loved Goku while he was with the family and misses him when he leaves. He’s meek, but he wants to care for his family, and he often struggles to assert himself unless forced.

Kana survived six days. Plot happened.

Kikue is tiny and sweet, but a spoiled brat. Her hair is dark and curly – Gojyo thinks she might have inherited it from his mother – and she has Sanzo’s eyes. She’s precocious, clearly has the potential for Sanzo’s intellect even at a young age, and as a small child, she has every adult in her life wrapped around her finger. Hakkai (unattached at this point) considers her as good as his, makes her dresses and gives her everything he has to give, and Gojyo and Sanzo, due to some preceding drama, are incredibly protective of her. She’s spoiled, and bullies her older brothers sometimes (which Eiji tolerates much better than Yohei, who will scream at her). As she matures, she ends up following in Gojyo’s footsteps as a florist and even learns herbal medicine from her aunt Yaone (once she comes back into Hakkai’s life, long story). She has neither of her father’s proclivities for adventure or magic, perfectly happy to live in the human world with her strange, diverse little family.

Ryuichi is a hanyou Gojyo adopted as a little brother after Gojyo found him alone on the street at age 14. He’s timid, easily cowed, and soon learns to take the path of least resistance, accepting employment as a mail carrier and choosing to settle for a quiet life despite the ongoing struggle for youkai to integrate back into human life and, like the rest of his family, being stuck somewhere between the two. However, he loves Gojyo, wants to protect him from his relationship struggles with Sanzo, and will stand firm when it’s important.

Finally, there’s Hanabi, from a completely different story. She’s much like Kikue, precocious and a little bratty, just written to be more closely attached to Gojyo than to Hakkai and Sanzo. She’s generally a good kid, but with a streak of mischief that matches Gojyo’s sense of humor. 

Basically Gojyo is the world’s best worst dad and I keep making up kids for him to care for and if someone doesn’t stop me he might end up with more.

[theconservativebrief]

LAS VEGAS – Inside a casino’s lavish high roller’s lair last August, a formally-attired waitstaff served sumptuous plates of steak and Dover sole to some of the world’s biggest gamblers. The floral-scented serenity that evening was broken by two occupants of a corner table who spoke loudly and profanely about kilos of cocaine and how best to conceal assault rifle ammunition in airplane luggage.

One of them – a large, disheveled man resembling a Hispanic Tony Soprano – boomed through a story about a SWAT raid on the hideout of a criminal gang he was with and how he narrowly avoided the jaws of a police dog named Booger.

His lanky, middle-aged companion – who wore an all-black outfit capped by an Air Jordan-branded knit hat – shared a tale about cursing out agents of Australia’s version of the FBI, his telling punctuated with well-timed Aussie accents.

The other diners could fairly assume their sanctuary was under invasion by a pair of particularly reckless criminals. But these two men are, in theory, the good guys.

Both boast of having worked as criminal informants for federal law enforcement branches looking to bring down dangerous drug traffickers and would-be terrorists, sensitive work that requires secrecy and discretion. The men exercised neither skill on this evening.

Instead, during 24 hours in Las Vegas that also included raucous hands of high-stakes blackjack with an electronica DJ and a private jet trip home, the pair fed closely guarded confidential information to a reporter in a gambit to coerce the FBI into paying out $80,000 for services rendered in a still-secret federal operation.

The episode is a rare and unnerving look into the murky world of confidential informants and the questionable characters that law enforcement officials sometimes rely on to ensnare and convict criminals. Though confidential informants are inescapable denizens of the American criminal justice system, their roles are typically only thrust into the public eye when something goes awry. That includes cases such as that of Whitey Bulger, who built his empire as a murderous Boston mob boss through his decades-long relationship with a corrupt FBI agent.

The Hispanic man – who will be identified in this article as “The Informant” in order to protect his identity – said he had played a central role in an elaborate 2017 FBI sting in which he allegedly lured a target into making a purported bomb to be used in a drug world murder. But more than a year later, the target had yet to be arrested for the bomb-related charges. The Informant and his Las Vegas companion, Robert “R.J.” Cipriani, concluded that unwanted publicity might pressure the federal government to finally indict the suspect and pay off the confidential informant behind the case.

The scheme bore the frenetic hallmarks of Cipriani, 57, a professional blackjack player and convicted white-collar felon. Cipriani has since 2016 tirelessly publicized his own role in the federal takedown of an international drug-trafficker who recruited him to launder millions at high roller tables.

While picking his teeth over post-dinner coffee, Cipriani envisioned The Informant being lauded in headlines as “an American hero” upon the revelation that an immigrant civilian operative was central to bringing down an alleged wannabe terrorist. Cipriani made clear he desired a piece of that fame for himself, at one point proposing that he would wear a “Make America Great Again” hat for a photo shoot to accompany this article.

In late October, Department of Justice prosecutors with the District of Arizona formally charged Tucson resident Ahmad Suhad Ahmad, 30, with charges including distributing information relating to explosives, destructive devices and weapons of mass destruction. The unsealed criminal complaint largely matched the story The Informant told the reporter in August: That Ahmad had traveled to a Las Vegas condominium to make what he thought was an explosive device to be used to kill a Mexican drug world target.

Ahmad Suhad Ahmad Ahmad Suhad Ahmad (Photo: Courtesy Arizona Department of Corrections)

Ahmad is set to be arraigned on Friday, with a trial date set for January. The judge in the case has ordered that Ahmad remain detained until trial citing, among other reasons, Ahmad’s apparent longtime substance abuse problems. Ahmad’s attorney, public defender Walter I. Gonçalves, did not return multiple phone messages seeking an interview.

Before Ahmad’s arrest was made public, Cipriani already knew that he had been taken into custody. “They got him,” Cipriani revealed to a reporter, after months of him aggressively pushing for the publication of a story about The Informant’s role in the case.

But he reversed course after USA Today contacted the FBI and Department of Justice for comment. Cipriani sent a message to a reporter that the call to the FBI was “causing a lot of problems” for himself and The Informant. Cipriani later threatened to sue USA Today for “$100+ million dollars” if the newspaper published a story about The Informant’s stated work.

The Department of Justice in the District of Arizona and the Phoenix FBI field office declined to comment on the case or confirm The Informant’s involvement in it.

For prosecutors, an informant publicly proclaiming his role in a major investigation – before the defendant has even been arrested – poses a unique hazard. The government typically guards such information closely and prefers to reveal any information about its informants near the eve of a trial, and only after plea negotiations have been abandoned.

Prosecutors have many reasons for such secrecy, including a reluctance to disclose details about the informant’s background that a defense attorney might use to undermine the government’s case.

Alexandra Natapoff, a Professor of Law at U.C. Irvine who has spent years studying law enforcement informants, said that while an informant outing themselves in a case before they are forced to is unusual, issues with their trustworthiness are regularly encountered.

“One of the great risks of using informants is prosecutors and agents become reliant on inherently unreliable people to make their cases,” she said.

In this instance, The Informant readily acknowledged during dinner that he started his career as a drug dealer. He parlayed that into a nearly two-decade tenure as a federal informant during which he boasted of helping to lock up 168 criminal targets in return for hundreds of thousands of dollars from the government. While some of that money was earmarked for moving expenses to protect his safety, he said he often just pocketed it and stayed put.

The Informant said his background could be confirmed in a prior case in which he testified under oath. Records in that case reflected much of his account.

James Wedick, a former supervisory agent who spent 35 years in the FBI, said that The Informant’s revelations to a reporter would inevitably cast scrutiny on his credibility as a witness in the Ahmad case.

“It’s obvious that this guy is manipulating what he wants to happen, and chief among his concerns is the eighty grand,” Wedick said.

The spare bullets lure Between mouthfuls of seafood bisque and steak, The Informant detailed what he claimed was a successful operation to convince Ahmad, a Baghdad native who immigrated to the United States a decade ago, to build what turned out to be an inactive bomb.

The Informant said he took his car to the Tucson auto shop where Ahmad worked and left some bullets inside his car to catch Ahmad’s attention.

He continued to visit the auto shop and befriended Ahmad. The Informant said he first bought drugs from Ahmad before shifting their conversation to making bombs. He said he told Ahmad he needed a car bomb to kill a Mexican cop who had stolen cocaine from his organization.

The Informant said he grew to like Ahmad and made sure he really was a knowledgeable bomb maker – not somebody entrapped into committing a serious crime.

“I didn’t want the guy to go to Youtube to figure it out and he is making the bombs because of me,” he said.

After flying on an FBI-arranged private jet to Las Vegas, The Informant said he and Ahmad went to a high-rise condo in the Mandarin Oriental. There, he alleged, Ahmad used fake C-4 provided by the FBI to turn a laptop into what he thought was an explosive device.

The Informant’s account was a more descriptive version of the charges prosecutors filed in a criminal complaint unsealed October 29.

Prosecutors allege that Ahmad traveled to Las Vegas on April 26, 2017, and while at a condo in the city “built the device and described what he was doing to one of the undercover agents.”

“Ahmad then guided the undercover agent on how to make a second device,” reads the complaint. “Once both devices were completed, Ahmad explained how they operated.”

Ahmad allegedly believed his bomb was going to be detonated in the United States when its target visited to attend a sporting event. The criminal complaint states that the C-4 and blasting caps Ahmad allegedly used to build the bombs “were inert items controlled by the FBI.”

Playing a “big doper”

The Informant said he prides himself on his eighteen-year tenure helping federal agents make these kinds of cases. He showed off the soft palms of his hands as evidence of a life spent not working.

Though he says he never knows exactly how much he’ll earn, he appears to be paid more for higher-profile cases. In recent years there have been few splashier FBI initiatives than ensnaring Middle Eastern men in conjured-up plots related to terrorism or weapons of mass destruction.

The Informant said he’s able to convince targets that he’s a “big doper” or Latin American drug dealer because he approaches the job like a high stakes method actor – the Daniel Day Lewis of the underworld.

For part of his life, he wasn’t acting. The Informant said he started as a drug dealer in his native country, which USA Today is not naming in order to further protect his identity. He then fled to the United States to escape rivals who wanted him dead.

He said he worked as a laborer until he had to handle an immigration issue that brought him into contact with a DEA agent. He said he impressed the agent with his knowledge of the international drug business, and in 2000, he agreed to help American officials infiltrate drug-trafficking organizations and other criminal enterprises.

He described crossing borders to cavort with some of the most dangerous criminals in the world. Even though they would certainly kill him if they found out he was working for American law enforcement, he said he liked spending time with his targets. They were his kind of people. He celebrated holidays with them. They cried with him when one of his grandparents died.

At one point, he said he decided to abandon the life of a confidential informant and get back into the drug trade.

“Drug dealers don’t do no paperwork,” reasoned The Informant, who is not fond of bureaucracy.

But he ultimately returned to the DEA, he said, after his handler threatened to charge and extradite him if he refused.

During previous testimony, a defense attorney asked The Informant what motivated him to do the work he did. The Informant responded that he liked the excitement and enjoyed helping to send bad people to jail.

In speaking to a USA Today reporter, he acknowledged he also had a simpler motivation.

“I’m not a [expletive] hero,” he said. “I’m getting paid.”

“It’s not supposed to be a career”

The Informant boasted about his work in another case in which suspected violent criminals allegedly took part in a conspiracy that was actually a ruse orchestrated by the FBI. The details of the case illustrate how much discretion The Informant has to sculpt operations, indictments and even potential prison sentences.

Testimony in that case showed that The Informant picked and lured his own criminal targets and conceived of much of the imaginary crime they allegedly took part in.

The case also shows why the government often takes pains to prevent their confidential informants from having to testify.

Prosecutors revealed his identity before trial and, as required by law, disclosed information about him that would be considered helpful to the defense. That included a disclosure that he had previously been arrested while allegedly attempting to transport dozens of pounds of marijuana across the country.

Court records filed by a defense attorney noted his efforts to use his status as an informant to escape trouble in that incident, in which he was not charged. Asked about the trafficked marijuana on the witness stand, The Informant was noncommittal about whether it was in connection with his DEA work.

Wedick, the former supervisory FBI agent, said that federal handlers are supposed to scrutinize informants who have been in the business for five years in order to root out those with credibility problems. He said it is unlikely for a person who is not a criminal themselves to be able to regularly generate new cases for their handlers.

“It’s not supposed to be a career,” Wedick said.

The Informant’s prior court appearance also disclosed some of the little-known economics of being a paid federal source. Court testimony showed that he had received more than $300,000, much of it in cash, from the federal government for his work to that point. His payment included tens of thousands of dollars for relocation expenses to ensure his protection.

The Informant said instead of using that money to move, he considers it an additional form of compensation.

“They think I move all the time,” he said.

Blackjack and good karma By last August, sixteen months since the alleged sting in Las Vegas, there had been no indictment against Ahmad for charges related to alleged bomb-making. The Informant said he was impatient for Ahmad to be charged because he considered him a danger to society, but also because he felt he deserved to be paid for his work.

“It’s really hard to do what I do,” The Informant explained. “It’s dangerous.”

He reached out to a reporter through Cipriani, a longtime friend who sometimes goes by “Robin Hood 702,” a reference to benevolent acts he says he performs in Las Vegas, which has the area code 702.

In recent years, Cipriani has sought to inject an audacious sort of publicity and notoriety into the typically hushed world of life as a criminal informant.

Cipriani’s best-known takedown began in 2011, with him enmeshed in an international drug trafficker’s scheme to launder millions in illegal proceeds at blackjack tables.

Owen Hanson, a former USC football player who was ultimately convicted of running a multi-million dollar illegal betting and drug-trafficking empire, had recruited Cipriani to wager millions in cash in an Australian casino and then transport his winnings to Las Vegas tables in the form of casino checks.

But after Cipriani lost $2.5 million at the tables — which he claimed was purposeful in order to extricate himself from Hanson — the drug-trafficker turned against him, and Cipriani ultimately assisted the FBI in indicting Hanson and securing his conviction last year. Cipriani has maintained that he was a victim and helped to publicize his role in the case in outlets including Rolling Stone, Washington Post, Vice, and the San Diego Union-Tribune. He was not charged in the scheme.

Hanson’s attorneys, however, called Cipriani an “important, yet unindicted, member of the alleged conspiracy.” His role in attempting to launder drug proceeds at blackjack tables led major casinos to ban him for years. Those casinos later reinstated Cipriani’s gambling privileges, he said, thanks to a letter the DOJ wrote on his behalf.

Though Cipriani styles himself as a vigilante, his own criminal rap sheet dates back to at least 1986, when records show he was convicted of carrying an unlicensed firearm in his hometown of Philadelphia. In 1999, he was arrested as a fugitive from authorities in Las Vegas, where he faced felony check fraud charges in a case that has since been sealed from public view. In 2005, he was again arrested as a fugitive, this time in California, on a warrant for insurance fraud in Pennsylvania. He was convicted in that case of a felony for filing a fraudulent claim concerning water damage in his home, records show. The next year, he was charged in Los Angeles with domestic violence in a case that was later dismissed.

A former pretzel vendor who filed for his second bankruptcy in 2012 and, according to those records, owed more than three quarters of a million dollars in federal income tax and unpaid rent and credit cards, Cipriani showed off a vastly different lifestyle during the weekend in which he arranged for a reporter and The Informant to meet at the ultra-swanky high roller area of a Las Vegas casino.

When he pointedly asked a casino teller, with a reporter by his side, how much cash he had on deposit there, he was told he had more than $3 million. Cipriani said he had accrued the money playing blackjack, crediting good karma for his luck.

Though casino officials have asked him to stop hectoring the celebrities, he interrupted electronica DJ Tiesto’s breakfast and later convinced him to join him at his private blackjack table. As they wagered up to $20,000 per deal, Cipriani belted out Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson songs inches from the dealer’s face and then attempted to get Tiesto to agree to produce a song for his wife, a Brazilian singer.

Cipriani ultimately flew home to Los Angeles, snoring under a blanket on a private jet provided by the casino, a perk he says he enjoys on a nearly weekly basis. His favored drink – extra-frothy, fresh pineapple juice – awaited him on board. He boasted to the reporter accompanying him that he also negotiates favorable gambling terms from casinos that ensure him partial forgiveness if he incurs a massive loss.

“I squeeze them for every [expletive] thing I can get,” Cipriani said of the casinos.

He said he’s coached his friend, The Informant, to take a similar approach with the federal government.

via The Conservative Brief