The night where it all began, part three.
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Lilith: [voice quivering] Where am I? Who are you?
Vlad: [abstractedly] Ah, you’re awake! Much sooner than anticipated, but it can only mean the transfer was success-
Lilith: You undressed me? What else have you done, you dirty old man?
Vlad: You misunderstand the circumstances, girl. Those men nearly killed you. I saved you. Your gown was ruined, so I only thought-
Lilith: Thought you’d have your way with me while I was helpless to resist?
Vlad: Please calm yourself. You were rapidly fading when I came upon you. Although I try to avoid meddling in human affairs, I’ve been seeking a student to mentor for some time. I was forced to act rashly and-
Lilith: Stop speaking nonsense! My veins are burning, yet my bones chatter. What is happening to me?
Vlad: I bestowed upon you the dark gift. With it comes a second life, one that can be eternal. It will be difficult at first and certainly painful, but I can help. My name is Vladislaus Straud. Once you’re strong enough to travel, I’ll take you to my home. I’ll make you comfortable there. When the transformation is complete, there'll be no end to the things I can teach-
Lilith: I already have a home, and I’m not going anywhere with a violent pervert like you!
Vlad: [grunts in unexpected pain] Get back here, girl! You're being hysterical! [telepathically] You can run now, but you’ll return in time.
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I read that Doveheart ended up nursing/caring for Mudpaw when he came to MicaClan as a kit. I wanted to know what their relationship was like. I could see her keeping him at arms-length and it would make sense that’s where Whitepaw also learned to keep his distance from Mudpaw, since his own mother did it like all the other older cats, but I can also see her following her name sake and being tender-hearted since she looks like a nice cat. I mean Snaptail’s family seem to be far more endearing and welcoming than the other cats in the clan and I'm curious, does she see him like a son or a young cat that needs love. I would like to know that Mudpaw has more cats looking out for him. It would be sweet if she asked Owlpounce or even Birchspeckle if Mudpaw was getting enough sleep and was eating well, maybe she would encourage Whitepaw to talk to him more.
That's a great question, and not one I've thought about very deeply if I'm honest! Doveheart being a later addition to the clan makes some things more difficult to parse out, her relationship with Mudpaw being one of them.
I think Doveheart would have the same ingrained biases that the rest of the clan holds, but was also Not Immune To Tiny Kitten In Need. I think she would've been more comfortable being affectionate with Mudkit when he was still very young, but when he started getting old enough to like. Have Thoughts And Feelings As An Individual. She would probably be like 'oh, no longer Tiny Baby In Need' and just sort of assume that the rest of the clan would fill in for her if she took a step back?
To be clear, the clan doesn't go out of their way to neglect Mudpaw. They just sort of... assume someone else is doing the whole 'caring for him' thing. They're all vaguely uncomfortable around him due to the whole culturally ingrained "in-group vs out-group" mentality they've got going on, but the clan is usually really good at supporting each other as a whole, so they kind of subconsciously assume "well, someone's gonna make sure that's covered, maybe I don't have to do it".
All that being said, I could see Doveheart being more conscious of Mudpaw's wellbeing than the average micaclan cat. More likely to ask after him and make sure he's eating enough, you know?
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Everything Seems Small (From High Up)
Basically what happened after Sigma left the note and before Chuuya showed up.
Also me trying my hand at a different writing style-
TW for survivors guilt (I think), implied/mentioned starvation (it's small but there), a lot of injuries being mentioned and their causes.
@fukuzawa-armeddaddyagency may I perhaps interest you in seeing the aftermath of "lost one son to save another"? (ngl it would've probably happened anyway)
He doesn't remember how he managed to get there. The entire way is a blur. He doesn't remember how he managed to climb down, just that he somehow managed to slide down the gutter without falling.
In hindsight, he's more surprised he managed to hold on. His hand and arm ached from the effort of carrying his own weight, which the whole incident had reduced by quite a bit, but he barely cared. He just prayed that neither stab nor bite opened, and went on his way.
Sure, both are wrapped tightly in bandages, along with pretty much most of his limbs, leaving pretty much all of the bites and stabs and cuts he'd endured hidden from prying eyes, but it'd be a pain to rewrap them all again... and he doesn't want to bother Chuuya with this.
It's his own fault anyway, he dug his own grave, and now he may as well lie in it.
His legs ached all the way, but he barely paid it any mind. He just walked and walked and walked, until he barely even knew where he turned left and where he turned right. He just had his destination in mind.
And his legs still ache, an hour later, when he's finally sitting where he'd wanted to go.
He stares down, and for a moment he remembers falling from Sky Casino. Remembers the terror of thinking he'd die. Remembers the air whipping past his face, howling in his ears as if he'd been caught in a hurricane.
His legs, aching and stinging from bites that hopefully haven't started bleeding again, dangle down over the edge. He fidgets with his hands, plays around with the bandages wrapped around one of them. The bite underneath hurts as well.
Everything hurts, if he's honest with himself.
His legs hurt, courtesy of the dogs who'd dug their fangs into his flesh.
His hand hurts, from when another dog bit it and dragged him back into his room- back to Mori.
His face and arm and leg hurt from the cuts and stabs Other Kris had left on him.
His knee hurts, and he can't remember that one clearly, but he thinks a bullet grazed it.
His back hurts, from when he'd fallen down the stairs.
His throat hurts, and he wishes desperately for the bruises to fade so he can stop wearing turtlenecks.
He lets out a sigh and watches the city. From so high up, everything looks so... small. Insignificant. He knows his friends are down there. His family. His love... yet part of him think that maybe, just maybe, they'd be better off if he stayed here.
He'd left a note. Granted, a very vague note, but he did... god, who was he kidding? Everyone's a mess right now. Everyone's in various stages of grief and dealing with it better or worse. Everyone's mourning, and what is he doing? Running from his problems.
He lets out a breath, tears gathering in his eyes.
It's his fault they're mourning. What was it that Fukuzawa had said? Ah, right. He'd sent Dazai to get him out. He'd weighed his options and lost one son to save another.
He feels like screaming. Like crying. Throwing something, breaking something, tearing something apart and crying over that as well.
It's his fault, start to finish.
He'd started all of this with petty revenge that had been entirely pointless, and to what has it led? To Dazai dying.
Fukuzawa should've made the right call. He should've left him to rot instead of sending help. He wasn't worth another's life. Hell, he isn't even an actual person- just some writing on a page.
Karma was right. He's useless. He's useless and incompetent and he still doesn't know the reason- but he can see why he'd hate him. He wonders, silently, how many people hate him and are just too polite to say it to his face.
It should've been him who died. Would've been better for everyone... or no, scratch that. He really just should've stayed in the desert. Less pain and suffering for everyone involved. He should've stayed away after Meursault, at the very least.
... well, too late to prevent that mistake from happening.
So he sits, high up above the city, and watches. Watches while everything looks so small and distant insignificant, and he silently wonders why he ever thought he could be a part of that without ruining it.
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Thinking about Vulcans prizing “calm” over “happiness”.
Like how humans look back on their childhood and remember how happy it was - joyful days spent running around in the sun, getting into a bit of trouble, laughing with peers and family - that’s how they know it was a good one.
Meanwhile Vulcans might look back on their childhood and remember how peaceful it was. Quiet days spent studying, the warm glow of candlelit lessons in caves, getting along smoothly with ones peers - that’s how they know it was a good one.
Humans typically chose their friends and romantic partners based on if this person makes them feel happy above all.
The question of “Do you like being with them?” is interpreted to mean “Does being with them make you feel happy?”
But since Vulcans don’t experience (or strive for) happiness there would have to be some other parameter.
So I was thinking about like, what is a good relationship to a Vulcan?
There’s obviously a big emphasis on ‘togetherness’ in Vulcan unions. The Pon Farr ritual Tuvok does with his [hologram] wife involves them committing to becoming “Two bodies one mind” and it’s stated that they give and receive from each other all that they are. There’s also of course the iconic “Never and always touching and touched”. This is all (as was said during T’Pol & Koss’ wedding) “The Vulcan heart, the Vulcan soul, this is our way.”
Vulcans are also (ENT) expected to live together for at least a year after being married - I imagine so that they can bond with and get to know one another.
In SNW T’Pring wants for Spock to honor the commitments he makes to her so in that case T’Pring values Spock keeping his word to her and placing her above other things.
I see a bit of Tuvok in that, where he prizes his commitment to T’Pel over anything else to the point where he’d nearly rather die than break it:
(Even though he eventually agrees to having sex with a hologram it MUST be of his wife and he lets Tom/The Audience know that he will NOT be making a habit of it. There’s no ironclad logical reason for him to react this way as a hologram is not a person but his commitment to T’Pel seems to take precedence and I believe that’s his reasoning. His bond with T’Pel is logical, sustaining and important to him and he’s loath to break it over some bodily need. some desire that will pass even if it kills him.) <- By this way of thinking, betraying T’Pel would be the emotional choice while remaining loyal to her is remaining loyal to his logical self.
A strong emphasis on loyalty to one’s mate seems to be a common Vulcan trait. In the beginning this seems to be rooted in tradition but later on its probably assumed that the couple will be loyal to one another out of some sort of actual connection between two people as opposed to pure obligation.
In ENT T’Pol says that a certain degree of “affection” is eventually expected to happen within a marriage (though the way she says it makes me think this doesn’t always occur and isn’t necessarily The Goal) and her mother says that she and her husband developed a “deep connection” to one another.
All this makes me think that a connection and a sense of ‘togetherness’ or ‘compatibility’ would also be prized over more emotional things like a passion for one another. It’s a partnership above all and that would be prized over a romantic union.
It makes me think of Vulcans’ roots in violence and war. Maybe this commitment to a steady togetherness, two people who don’t know each other being able to work together so seamlessly they nearly become one, is a way to show they’ve moved beyond that despite the pon farr remaining.
Vulcans are a naturally very emotional species. Someone who incites that would probably not be seen as someone you should spend your time with. Someone who makes your heart pound, sets you ablaze, fills you with passion - that sounds like a bad Vulcan time v_v
Tuvok says as much when he talks about how he was struck with “shon-ha’lock”. Humans wouldn’t see anything wrong with having a crush on someone (and indeed in that episode Tom only comes to the conclusion that it’s a shame Tuvok couldn’t act on these emotions) but it’s obvious that even a teenaged crush when uncontrolled can become a very big problem to a Vulcan.
In one of the Star Trek Novels Tuvok even stops being friends with and talking to a girl because she tearfully admits she has feelings for him and he sees that her feelings for him cause her pain.
Instead of thinking “Oh, she really likes me, good! We’re close friends so maybe we can make this work.” or even “I don’t like her romantically but since we’re close friends we can work through it.”
Tuvok thinks “Oh, she really likes me. That must be causing her to become very emotional and I can see she’s clearly upset. I’ll remove myself from her life so my presence doesn’t incite those emotions anymore.”
And while him flat out just cutting himself out of her life might seem weird and kind of cruel and a frankly hilarious reaction to someone confessing their love to you - I also think it’s something he thought of as a kindness. If his presence harms her (stirs up emotions in her) then he will remove himself to keep from harming her.
Along that vein, calmness or the absence of strong emotions would be a good relationship and one worth staying in. Not that there can’t be any emotions (Tuvok and T’Les obviously care[d] deeply for their respective spouses) but that they must be controllable and able to be cast aside in the face of logic.
I also think that “knowing” the other person would be considered very important (after marriage of course). If you’re to operate as a partnership, a team, and especially if you’re both telepaths you should be able to know your spouse pretty damn well. I see T’Pring attempt to do this in SNW where she is constantly fighting to get to know Spock which Spock self-consciously discourages since he’s been told/shown that his human side is unappealing to Vulcans.
But yeah man idk...just picturing a Vulcan and a human talking for hours...walking along the beach...sleeping side by side...getting to know one another...and at the end of it all one says “You make me feel happy” and the other says “Your presence calms me” and it means, essentially, the same thing.
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did u read the good omens book? if so, what are your thoughts on it compared to the tv series?
i followed u for the steddie posts but fell in love with ur meta too 💜
I did, but honestly they're separate entities unless I want to steal something specific for a fic. They're both good, for different reasons and in different ways. They are written by different men, literally and figuratively, about different subject matters, for different reasons. You can compare an apple to an apple blossom, but even though one became the other, and came from the same tree, doesn't mean they are the same thing anymore, nor does it mean one is better than the other.
That being said, I've only read the book once, and I've watched the show over a dozen times, most likely because I saw the show first and read the book second. I enjoyed the book, but I think it was probably a better read in its day, by people who were the target audience at the time, and who didn't just read about or know the context, but understood and lived it. I can't be that, I can't go back in time and read the book before the series, I can't go back and read it in a time where it would have meant what it was intended to mean to the world it was born into.
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WIP WednesThursday
I was tagged by the lovely @nerdferatum for this, thank you (and as always, it's great to see your art!) <3
Since we're in the middle of moving, with most stuff already in our new apartment, but we're still living in our old one for now, I don't have access to the majority of my writing. So here's an unedited snippet from my notes app:
"What did you think about the ending?"
"I... haven't read it yet."
"You didn't finish the book?" Susan shakes her head in disbelief. "I would have thought you had enough time to finish it ten times over."
Nate traces the handle of his teacup. Porcelain, with tiny fractures below the glazing that show its age. "I had to think of an appropriate reply to each and every of your comments, did I not?"
She raises an eyebrow, but doesn't question him. (Yet. She will, one day. She will tell him she doubted he really needed that much time to formulate a reply, honey-tongued as he is, and he will smile at her, admitting that no, he did not. He will whisper into the crook of her neck that he hadn't wanted it to end. That he does not want this to ever end. "Stay with me, rouhi. Please, promise you'll stay with me." She'll laugh, breathlessly. "Is that a proposal, mister Sewell?")
Tagging anyone who sees this amd wants to share something (truly, please tag me if you do!) and also: @evilbunnyking @sealriously-sealrious @lykegenia @nerdierholler @ejunkiet @agentnatesewell @nsewell @wayhavenots
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