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smileysuh · 1 year

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the alpha's right hand

🌙 staring. Mingyu x afab!Reader

🔮 preview. Mingyu had thought he’d lost you - if even for a moment - and he’s not willing to lose you ever again. He doesn’t want you running into the woods anymore when you’re having emotions, he wants you running to him, and he kisses you as if to say ‘please, never leave.’ He had always thought Seungcheol would be his alpha, but you’d shown up and flipped his world upside down. Mingyu doesn’t care about appeasing his friend anymore- all he cares about is appeasing you- pleasuring you, giving you everything you could ever possibly want, everything you could ever need.

tw/cw. a/b/o au & power structures, mentions of a bad pack past, one mention of child death, blood/childbirth, exhibitionism/outside sex, clothed dry humping, fingering, mutual masturbation, hand job, big dick!Mingyu, pussy stretching, unprotected sex, pullout method, groping, overstimulation, praise, dirty talk, needy!Mingyu, hair pulling, orgasm control, small noncon/impreg thoughts, etc… I pet names: (hers) alpha. (his) Big guy, puppy.

👹 rating.18+ explicit I wc. 14.4k

🍭 aus. a/b/o au, werewolf au, alpha!reader, beta!Mingyu, etc…

☀️ mlist + an. this fic is in the Blood Moon universe, if I end up writing another fic for this au, it will get a masterlist, but until then read cheol here

Mingyu loves thunder storms. There’s something almost therapeutic about the percussion of the sky, the flashes of light and the smell of rain in the air. It’s been a dry summer, and the water is a much-needed reprieve.

The beta wolf sits on his sheltered wrap-around cabin porch, a mug of tea in his hand while he watches the sky. Some of his packmates have called him crazy, but Mingyu doesn’t care. They can bundle up inside, but a summer storm is just what he needs to clear his head.

Whats the point of being a wild thing if you don’t appreciate the weather? Mingyu knows he shouldn’t question alphas, but Soonyoung and Jihoon are particularly prissy about rain. Seungcheol, however, doesn’t have a care in the world. He’s out chopping wood, a white t-shirt sticking tight to his muscles while he swings the ax down on a log.

Mingyu had asked if he needed any help, but Seungcheol had refused. The beta thinks his alpha must be bulking up in preparation for his child on the way, and Mingyu doesn’t blame him.

No one would be crazy enough to challenge Seungcheol as head alpha, but in the dark corners of Mingyu’s mind, he supposes there’s always a chance. And with a new baby, Seungcheol is at least partially exposed. Mingyu admires his alpha for taking extra precautions like this.

Seungcheol stops cutting wood, straightening and looking out toward the trees. Mingyu is on high alert immediately, putting his tea down and standing, sniffing at the wind.

The cedar and newly moist dry earth are predominantly the scents that overwhelm him, but there’s something else too,something underneath the natural pleasantries-

Then Mingyu hears the snapping of twigs, as if something large is coming through the brush a few hundred feet away. Mingyu knows immediately that it’s not a bear, no bears come through their property, they’d be stupid to try- no, the scent is a much more familiar one; wet wolf. But as far as Mingyu knows, the whole pack is inside their cabins-

Seungcheol squares his shoulders as he stairs out at the trees, and Mingyu bounds down the steps to join his alpha, staying a few feet back. The ax in Seungcheol’s hand glints in the grey light.

“Cheol?” Mingyu asks, looking for guidance.

“Shh,” the alpha tuts, grip tightening on the wooden ax handle.

Something large stumbles through the tree line. A huge, amber-coloured wolf. You’re much too big to be a regular canine, and Mingyu knows immediately that the animal in front of them is no animal at all, you’re a person- and his suspicion is confirmed when you shiver, slowly beginning the transformation back into your regular form.

Watching a werewolf shift is always a unique experience, and Mingyu’s breath catches during the three seconds it takes for the wolf to become a girl. You crumble against the grass, naked and breathing heavily.

Mingyu can’t help himself, he immediately tugs off his flannel, running toward you to cover your modesty. “Oh my god-” he whispers. “Are you okay?!”

You nod weakly, letting out a soft groan, and his heart races when you curl up against his thigh, fingers tugging at the denim of his jeans.

“Mingyu, step back from her,” Seungcheol commands, and for the first time in a long time, Mingyu questions his alpha’s judgment.

“But-”

“Just do it,” the alpha growls, eyes flashing red as he bares his teeth at Mingyu.

Mingyu lets out a breath, but he does as he’s told, retreating from you on the ground to go join Seungcheol.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Seungcheol says to you. “Where’s your pack?”

“I don’t have a pack,” you respond, fingers grabbing at the grass as you lift your head to look at them.

“I find that hard to believe,” Seungcheol muses. “Alpha females are rare, they always have a pack.”

“Not me,” you shake your head and Mingyu is doing his best to get this whole situation straight. You? A female alpha? There aren’t many of those- not pure blood ones anyways- usually female alphas become alpha when they mate with a male alpha, but you- “I ran away.”

“You ran away?” Mingyu asks in shock.

The life of a loner wolf can be deadly, let alone for a female-

“They tried-” you sit up, wrapping the flannel around your body, “They tried to marry me off to an alpha twice my age. I refused. And then I ran.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Seungcheol says after a brief pause. “But I still don’t see how you ended up here.”

“I heard you’re a pack with three alphas- I thought… I thought if anyone would take me in it would be you.” There’s a vulnerability in your eyes, and a sincerity in the shaking of your voice.

Mingyu can see that you’re desperate, and it feels as if maybe their pack truly is your only hope- the rain beats down harder, and Seungcheol has a staring match with you while you sit in the mud.

“We wouldn’t know what to do with a female alpha,” he says finally.

“You don’t have to do anything,” you insist. “Just give me a place to stay, a home, a family- and I promise I won’t challenge you. I’ll be loyal, I’ll back you up, I promise. I never wanted to be a pack leader- I never wanted the responsibility, please- I have nowhere else to go- everyone else would marry me off to another alpha-”

“Seungcheol?” a pretty female voice calls through the storm, and both wolves snap their heads towards the sound. Seungcheol’s glowing new bride is standing on the deck of her cabin, one hand wrapped protectively around her large baby bump.

“Go back inside!” Seungcheol shouts, and his wife does so without a second thought. She’s very submissive in this last trimester, and she trusts Seungcheol to make decisions for her best interest above all things.

“You have females here,” you say quietly.

“Not female alphas,” Seungcheol states.

“Still- maybe you need a midwife- birthing alphas can be a rough situation-”

Seungcheol adjusts his grip on the ax. “Are you familiar with midwifery?”

“Oh yes,” you nod. “I had four younger brothers, I was there during all their births.”

“If you have four younger brothers, why aren’t they with you?”

“I had four younger brothers,” you repeat. Even from a few feet away, Mingyu can see your eyes glistening with emotion, and it’s not the rain. “My eldest brother- he- well, he didn’t want to be challenged.”

“You’re from the Arcadia Pack,” Seungcheol says suddenly, and things click in Mingyu’s head a moment after the words slip from his alpha’s mouth.

The Arcadia pack is a nomadic pack, very off-grid, known for their archaic practices- Mingyu had even heard a horror story about one alpha eating his own male offspring, although, Mingyu had always thought that was just a spin on the Greek/Roman myths, made to scare betas about the dangers of being an alpha.

You nod, looking down at the ground.

A muscle in Seungcheol’s jaw feathers. “You can stay,” he says gruffly. “Mingyu,” the beta steps forward, “we don’t have any extra cabins, and I don’t trust anyone other than you to take care of her. You can do this for me, right?”

“Of course,” Mingyu nods, already running through his mind what possible things he could cook to warm you up.

Seungcheol begins to head back to his own home, but then he stops, looking back. “If Wonwoo has a problem with sharing his cabin, tell him to move in with Hansol and Seungkwan until I sort out sleeping arrangements. Shouldn’t take more than a couple of days.”

“Got it,” Mingyu nods enthusiastically, watching his alpha depart.

As soon as Seungcheol’s cabin door is closed, Mingyu’s body kicks into high gear. He wants to rush to you, but at the same time, he wants to warm you up, so he opts for running to his deck, grabbing his discarded tea before jogging back to you.

“Here,” he says, kneeling down to hand the mug to you. “It’s hot, drink it, and I’ll help you inside.”

You accept the cup with shaky fingers.

Mingyu gives you a moment to take a sip, then he reaches for you, grabbing your forearm and pulling you to your feet-

The flannel covering your naked body slips off your shoulder, and Mingyu catches a slight glimpse of your breasts before you’re tugging the fabric back around yourself. The beta can feel his skin heating, and he looks away, swallowing thickly. “Come on,” he says again, “I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“Sweet beta,” you laugh, leaning on him. “Don’t you know us alphas don’t get sick so easily?”

It’s so odd for him to be around a female alpha. He’s used to taking care of women- his beta little sisters who he’d grown up with, his alpha’s beta wife- he doesn’t know to handle you, not really, and he has no clue what to say as he helps you toward the cabin.

The door opens before you even get to the steps, and Mingyu’s cabin mate, Wonwoo, is leaning in the door frame.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” he states.

“Well, you heard what Cheol said,” Mingyu insists, helping you up the stairs. “If you don’t like it, you can move in with Hansol and Seungkwan.”

“Where’s she even going to sleep?” Wonwoo asks, moving to the side so you and Mingyu can pass.

“My room,” Mingyu states. “She can have my room.”

“You? On the couch?” Wonwoo scoffs. “Good luck with that.”

“What’s your problem?” you say finally, looking Wonwoo up and down.

He meets your gaze. “In my opinion, we already have two too many alphas in this pack.”

“Well It’s not up to you,” you insist.

“You’re right about that, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it,” Wonwoo growls darkly, narrowing his eyes.

“Wonwoo, please-” Mingyu groans, reaching out to grab his friend’s forearm. “Can you go grab her some clothes from my room, I have to start making some food for her, she’s cold-”

“She’s fine,” Wonwoo rolls his eyes.

“Wonwoo, please,” Mingyu repeats, and the other wolf finally lumbers off. “Look,” he says, turning to you again, “the bathroom is through that door right there. The water isn’t that hot, but it will be enough to warm you up while I get some ramen going-”

“I’m used to cold water,” you cut him off, handing your mug of tea to him. “I’m sure even warm would be better than I’ve had recently.”

Mingyu blinks at you. He doesn’t know what to say as you walk away from him, entering the bathroom and closing the door behind you. The sound of water thrums to life a moment later and Mingyu finally shakes himself out of his daze.

Wonwoo returns holding a pair of sweats and a hoodie, he places them on the floor outside the bathroom door before joining Mingyu in the kitchen.

“This isn’t a good idea,” Wonwoo says quietly.

“She needs our help.”

“It shouldn’t be us,” Wonwoo points out. “It should be Jihoon or Soonyoung.”

“You sound like you’re trying to marry her off to one of them-” Mingyu’s nose scrunches with distaste. “Besides, if we did that, and they did get together, that would be a double alpha pairing and it would be very dangerous for Seungcheol.”

“So dangerous, in fact, Seungcheol might kick them out, or we might be forced to put them down. Two birds, one stone.”

Mingyu freezes, heart thumping wildly in his chest. He slowly turns to his best friend. “Wonwoo… I think you should leave.”

“You want me to leave?” Wonwoo asks in shock.

“I don’t think it’s good for you to be here right now.” Mingyu can’t believe he’s saying any of this- Wonwoo is his best friend- but… Wonwoo’s never acted this way before. Swallowing thickly, Mingyu squares his chest, straightening to his full height while he looks down at his friend. “Yeah, I think you should go to Hansol and Seungkwan’s cabin until we get this housing arrangement sorted out.”

“Seriously?” Wonwoo scoffs, but Mingyu doesn’t back down, doesn’t adjust his stance an inch. He stays steady, and after a few seconds, Wonwoo crumbles. “Fine. have it your way. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when this whole thing ends badly.”

Wonwoo doesn’t even bother packing a bag, he simply grabs his jacket off the couch and heads to the door, slamming it loudly behind him.

Mingyu finally lets out a breath, deflating, and then, he goes back to getting water boiled for ramen.

You listen in on the argument in the kitchen. These beta wolves don’t seem to be aware of how good a female alpha’s senses can be. You’re even more sensitive than males, it’s a natural adaptation to help mothers be better suited to take care of their young, and here you are, using it to eavesdrop on two stupid betas.

Well, the big one doesn’t seem so stupid. He seems kind of nice actually. But his friend? A dickhead.

You smile when you hear the front door slam, and you listen to the wolf lumber down the stairs, then the crunch of gravel as he walks away.

This will be a much easier living arrangement for you. Having one beta male around and in your space is going to be odd, but to have two would have been nearly too much for you. Their scent is everywhere, and when you get out of the shower, you find yourself staring down two towels.

You opt for the one that smells like the bigger wolf, and use it to dry off, trying to get used to his scent.

You’d heard one of them set clothes down outside the bathroom door, and you unlock it, opening it a sliver to peer out. You can hear the big wolf whistling in the kitchen while he cooks, and you quickly snatch the clothing into the bathroom, locking the door again.

Your pack has stayed in a few structures before, but many of them were hand built cabins deep in the wilderness. Running water - especially hot running water - is a luxury you’re not used to. When you wipe the steam off the mirror, assessing yourself through the reflective glass, you’re almost shocked to see how good you look.

You’d washed the dirt off your body- it’s been so long since you looked in a proper mirror, and you realize you even look pretty.

You shrug the hoodie and sweatpants on, marveling at how large they are on your much smaller form. They smell like the large wolf, everything does.

Standing in the bathroom, you do your best to psych yourself up. You’re an alpha for goodness sake- you don’t need to be afraid. Especially not when the wolf in the other room seems to be a complete softy- you can’t believe he’d given you tea and even his flannel- yeah, he seems nice, but you’ve not met many nice men in your life.

You exit the bathroom, tiptoeing to the kitchen. The wolf must be very preoccupied with his cooking because he doesn’t even look up. He’s focused on the ginger he’s grating, and the smell of the root mixes with the minced garlic already frying in a pot. It’s the first scent that’s not wolfish, and it makes your mouth begin to water as you watch.

“Hi,” you say finally.

The six-foot-two man jumps in shock.

He might just be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen, he even clutches his chest.

“Hi,” he sighs.

“I’m y/n.”

He studies you. “Mingyu,” and then, he reaches out a hand.

You look down at his hand, and after a moment, you give it a small shake.

“Uh…” he licks his lips, “welcome to the pack I guess.”

“Thank you,” you nod, moving closer to look down at the garlic he’s cooking. You find there’s also green onions, and he adds the ginger while you watch. “Are you the pack chef?”

“Something like that,” Mingyu laughs. “I’m Seungcheol’s right-hand man. I do anything he needs, including cooking for new pack members it seems.”

“He didn’t tell you to do this,” you note.

“Okay, maybe I wanted to do this. Seungcheol has too much on his plate, he would have reminded me to cook for you if it had crossed his mind.”

You nod. “His mate is very pregnant. Must be hard for him.”

“Do you really have midwife skills?” Mingyu asks.

You nod again. “I live deep in the forest, it’s important for all the women to be part of the birthing process, including alphas.”

“Luckily we have a hospital half an hour away.”

“You can’t always make it to a hospital,” you point out. “Alpha deliveries can be sudden, and dangerous. If I was making suggestions to your alpha, I’d tell him to ask any and all female pack relatives to come and stay for a little while. If he has a mother, or sisters, or aunts, or cousins-”

“You really think that’s necessary?” Mingyu blinks at you, stirring the pot of golden aromatics while adding boiling water.

“I do,” you admit. “I’ve heard you’re an all male pack, except for the alpha’s mate, and I’d hoped there would be a few more women around-”

“A few of us have had girlfriends in the past, but nothing that stuck. It can be hard for them to deal with a pack that has three alphas,” Mingyu tells you, frowning.

“Four,” you correct. “It might be easier now that I’m here. I’ve always had good relationships with female pack members. I wouldn’t have been able to escape my last pack without them.”

“If you could help us find some female wolves to join, I’m sure all the guys here would be really grateful.”

“Including that buddy of yours?” you almost laugh. “What is it he said? He wants me to get with another alpha so you can take me out and kill two birds with one stone?”

“He didn’t-” Mingyu stammers.

“Tell me, of your two other alphas, which one do you have more issues with?” you ask, looking Mingyu up and down.

The large wolf sighs. “Soonyoung has been causing trouble lately.”

“Yeah? How’s that?”

“He was sort of hitting on Seungcheol’s mate for a while- looking at her a lot and stuff-” Mingyu adds the ramen to the pot, and you note how uncomfortable this is making him. He must not like confrontation.

Who would have thought, an alpha’s right-hand muscle man who doesn’t like fights.

“Are they going to have problems with me being here?” you ask, cocking your head to the side.

“I mean- if anything, uh…” Mingyu swallows thickly, and you watch his adam’s apple bob with effort, “they might hit on you.”

“But as you said to that other guy earlier, if I don’t want to be a danger to Seungcheol, it would be wise for me to stay away from them.” You look down at the boiling ramen. “That was a smart observation from you.”

“Thanks?” He rubs the back of his neck.

“After dinner, I’ll need to sleep,” you tell him. “I ran all day to get here. But I can’t rest in your friend’s room.”

“You can have my room,” Mingyu is quick to assure you. “It’s cleaner than his anyways.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” The wolf opens a cabinet, pulling out a bowl. He spoons it full of ramen and hands it to you.

“Aren’t you eating?” you ask.

“No,” he shakes his head, “this is for you. Something tells me you’ll want to eat all of it, and I had dinner an hour ago.”

He’s right. Ten minutes later you’ve eaten all the ramen.

Your body is warm, for the first time in what feels like ages. When you head into Mingyu’s bedroom, and slowly lay down on his soft bed, the mattress makes you groan. You’ve been sleeping on hides on the forest floor for months now-

Before you know it, you’re drifting off to sleep.

You wake up to sunlight streaming through the window, and for the first time in a long time, you simply allow yourself to bask in it. You curl up against Mingyu’s pillow, breathing in his scent. The big beta obviously wears cologne, something spicy, but you can smell cedar and notes of pine too. He’s a woodsy guy, and it’s familiar to you.

Sitting up, you stretch your arms above your head, groaning softly at the feeling in your muscles. This is what freedom is, and you can’t believe you’ve finally found it.

Making your way to Mingyu’s closet, you find a red and black flannel, and you slip it on, enjoying the softness of it. Then, you grab a pair of boxers.

When you’d left your pack, you hadn’t been able to take anything, and in wolf form, not even clothes made the journey here with you. All you have right now is mens underwear, and they’re large around your hips, but they’ll do better than walking around with nothing.

The wood floorboards creek as you tiptoe to the door, opening it to peer into the room beyond.

You can hear Mingyu’s soft snores coming from his friend’s room. When you make your way to the front door, it squeaks on its hinges, and the soft sleeping sounds come to halt. Then, there are footfalls, and Mingyu peers out of his friend’s room, blinking at you as he rubs his eyes with one hand.

“You’re awake,” he says.

“Early riser,” you nod, taking in his bare chest and the pair of sweatpants that are hanging dangerously low on his hips. “I was going to go look around.”

“Okay,” Mingyu sighs, stretching his arms above his head and letting out a groan. “Give me a second and I’ll come with you.”

“You can go back to sleep,” you suggest.

“Nah, you shouldn’t be walking around alone.”

“I’m not in any danger.” You know how to deal with male alphas if you come across either of the two that are bound to be lurking around outside.

“I’m not worried about you,” Mingyu says, disappearing into his friend’s room. “Worried about the other guys.”

You crack a smile. “Yeah? And why’s that?”

“Because flannels look good on you,” Mingyu returns, torso covered in a black vneck, “and I doubt many of the pack know there’s a new alpha yet. Not sure how they’ll react.”

You suppose he has a point, and you stay quiet as he approaches you, slipping his feet into a pair of shoes by the door. Then he looks down. “Give me a sec, I’m pretty sure Cheol’s mate has a similar size foot to you, I’ll grab you some flip flops.”

“I can go barefoot,” you insist.

“You are a wild thing, aren’t you?” Mingyu chuckles, running a hand through his messy hair. “Just wait here, please.”

He shifts past you, exiting the cabin. Instead of staying inside, you follow, stopping on the deck while he jogs to the small house a hundred feet away. You watch him as he kneels, shifting through some shoes before finding a pair, and then he walks back to you, squinting in the morning sun.

“Here,” he says, holding them out, “give these a try.”

You slip the flip-flops on, nodding. “They work.”

“Good,” Mingyu yawns. “Come on, I’ll show you around.”

You follow him down the steps, enjoying his lumbering walk. He’s so big- and his strides are longer than yours, but he’s moving slowly, which makes it easy for you to keep up.

“So this is our pack compound,” he explains, still sounding a bit groggy. “Seungcheol and his mate live in that cabin, and then you’ve met me and Wonwoo-” so his bitchy friend does have a name. “There are seven cabins in total and I’ll walk you through them, we can see who’s awake.”

“Your pack doesn’t wake up at dawn?”

“Nah, we’ve got a lot of guys who sleep in,” Mingyu says, and from the way he’s still yawning, you can tell he’s not used to being up this early.

You’ve always liked mornings. Your pack is the type to be up and bustling about, but you think you could get used to the quiet of this place. Birds are singing in the trees, and the dew on the grass from last night’s rain is tickling past your feet as you walk through the area.

“This cabin belongs to Hansol and Seungkwan,” Mingyu explains, pointing at the next lodging you walk past. “They’re good guys, Hansol especially. When we joined all three packs, Hansol and Wonwoo were with me and Cheol.”

“So you’re very close then,” you nod, taking in the cabin with its dark windows. It’s clear the inhabitants are still asleep.

“Yeah, Hansol’s a friend,” Mingyu nods. “He’ll like you.”

“You think so?”

“Hansol gets along with everyone,” Mingyu says factually.

The next cabin is a short distance away, but unlike the last one, this one has signs of life. There’s even a man sitting on the front steps, and he stands as you approach.

He’s small in stature, but with the downwind sending his scent your way, you can tell immediately that he must be one of the other two alphas. He certainly holds himself like a man in charge, and you meet his gaze straight on.

“Jihoon,” Mingyu greets, coming to a stop a few feet in front of the stairs leading to the alpha.

“What’s going on?” Jihoon asks, scanning your form.

“We got a new member of the pack yesterday,” Mingyu explains. “This is y/n.”

The man scrunches his nose, eyes narrowing. “She’s an alpha.”

“From the Arcadia pack,” Mingyu nods, and a flash of recognition flutters over Jihoon’s features.

“Seungcheol is okay with this?” Jihoon asks.

“I wouldn’t be showing her around if he wasn’t,” Mingyu says, and there’s a firmness in his voice. “She’s going to help with midwife stuff.”

“Oh,” Jihoon’s head cocks to the side slightly. “That’s good to hear.”

“Is Seokmin awake?” Mingyu questions, and you both look past the alpha to see if his roommate is up.

“He’s never awake this early,” Jihoon scoffs.

“Well,” Mingyu turns to you, “guess you’ll meet him later.”

“Are you giving her a full tour?” Jihoon asks, eyes still lingering on your form.

“Uh huh,” Mingyu runs a hand through his hair, yawning loudly.

“Why isn’t Seungcheol doing it?”

Mingyu lets out a small laugh. “We both know Seungcheol has bigger things on his plate.”

“Bigger than introducing a new alpha female to the pack?” Jihoon cracks a smile. “I find that hard to believe.”

“You don’t have to believe it,” Mingyu sighs.

It’s interesting how he’s interacting with the alpha in front of him. You’d wondered what the dynamic might be like- but it appears that Mingyu truly only has loyalty to Seungcheol. As the head alpha, this is the way it should be.

Jihoon doesn’t say anything else, and Mingyu’s gentle touch on the small of your back prompts you to continue your tour.

“He’s cranky in the morning,” Mingyu tells you under his breath.

“And he can probably hear you,” you note, looking over your shoulder at the scowling alpha.

“My bad,” Mingyu says, but from the smile on his face, you know he doesn’t really care.

The cabins are all spaced nicely, giving earshot privacy but still mostly visible to each other as you continue down the dirt path that connects them.

The next cabin has not one, but two wolves sitting on its front porch, and they both stand like Jihoon had, looking at you curiously.

“What did you bring for us today, Gyu?” one of them asks while the other practically eye fucks you over his bowl of cereal.

“This is y/n, she’s joining the pack,” Mingyu explains.

“Really?” The prettier of the two bounds down the stairs, grinning. “Since when?”

“Last night.”

“I’m Jeonghan,” the wolf holds out a hand to you. “It’s lovely to finally meet an alpha female, especially one as gorgeous as you.”

The man still standing on the stairs lets out a loud scoff, and then he’s setting down his cereal to approach. “Don’t pay attention to him,” he says, “Jeonghan’s a flirt.”

“As if you’re any better, Joshua,” Jeonghan rolls his eyes.

“I am better,” Joshua grins, holding out his own hand to you. “In every way.”

You don’t enjoy the way he looks you up and down again, eyes taking their time to assess your outfit. You’re very aware of the fact you’re not wearing a bra, and when Joshua releases your hand, you’re quick to cross your arms over your chest.

“Where’s she staying?” Jeonghan asks, addressing Mingyu.

“With me for now, but Cheol’s gonna work out a sleeping arrangement.” Mingyu’s hand finds the small of your back, his touch as light as a feather. “We should keep going with the tour.”

“Need company?” Joshua questions.

“We’re good,” you say firmly.

With a nod goodbye, Mingyu and you head off again.

“Are they all like this?” you ask.

“What do you mean?”

You let out a small laugh. “Horrible with women?”

“It’s a pack trait,” Mingyu jokes.

“You’re not so bad,” you tell him, and when you sneak a glance at the beta, you notice his skin is flushed.

He’s so cute you want to just eat him up.

“I uh…” Mingyu coughs, “that’s debatable.”

“I’m telling you you’re not bad with women, and I’m an alpha, which means you have to listen to me.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Mingyu chuckles.

“Not ma’am,” you correct him. “Yes, alpha.”

“Yes, alpha,” he says, not missing a beat.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it, big guy?”

He lets out a small “shit” under his breath, and you realize you enjoy toying with him.

“So anyways,” he clears his throat, “this next cabin is Minghao and Jun, but they’re asleep-”

“Over half the compound is asleep,” you note. “Who’s protecting your boundaries?”

“No one?” Mingyu looks around. “I’m not sure what you’re used to from your last pack, but closer to the city, boundaries rarely get encroached on.”

“Oh, so I pulled a big no-no by just showing up, huh?”

“It was unusual, that’s for sure,” Mingyu smiles.

“My bad.”

The beta at your side only grins as you walk past another dark cabin. You don’t mind not talking, as it gives you a chance to listen to the sounds of the compound. More birds are singing now, and trees rustle with small wildlife. You watch two squirrels chasing each other, and the familiar sight makes you smile.

Yeah, despite the gang of clueless men, you could definitely get used to this place.

“So this last cabin belongs to Soonyoung and Dino-” Mingyu begins to say, and as the words leave his mouth, the lodging’s front door is thrown open.

A white-haired alpha struts out, his gaze fixed on you.

You stop in your tracks assessing his form for signs of aggression-

While he holds his head high, and walks like an alpha, the man in front of you is at least attempting open body language. He smiles, flashing his canines. “I knew I smelt something sweet,” he says loudly, thudding down the front steps and approaching.

So this must be the Soonyoung that Mingyu had mentioned. The alpha causing trouble.

He definitely looks like a bit of a flirt, and his eyes scan you up and down as the other wolves had. “Let me guess,” Soonyoung says, “Arcadia pack.”

“How did you-”

“Sweetheart, there aren’t many alpha females around these parts. It’s not rocket science.” Soonyoung comes to a stop in front of you. “The real question is, why are you here?”

“She left her old pack,” Mingyu answers for you. “She’s with us now.”

“Trouble in wilderness paradise, huh?” Soonyoung’s grin widens. “Their loss, our gain.”

“What are you doing awake this early?” Mingyu asks, and you see him stiffening beside you.

“I told you, I smelt something sweet.” The alpha is yet to take his eyes off of you, and you meet his gaze straight on, like a challenge.

“And I smell dog, but I’m guessing that’s you,” you say calmly.

Soonyoung lets out a bark of a laugh. “Damn, baby, you’ve got a mouth on you.”

“Enough of the babys and sweethearts,” you tell him. “My name is y/n.”

“Cute name,” Soonyoung says, but the compliment does nothing for you.

“Mingyu, I think my tour is done,” you sigh, looking to the beta at your side.

“What? But you just started.” Soonyoung whines, and the tone of his voice grinds your nerves.

“I’ve seen enough,” you say smoothly.

“Princess, you haven’t seen anything yet,” Soonyoung assures you.

A growl bubbles up in your throat, and you turn your icy gaze back to the alpha. “Nothing impressive, that’s for sure. And I doubt you have anything to show me that could change my mind.”

Soonyoung only smiles wider. “I like your fire.”

“Good for you.” You reach out, grabbing Mingyu’s forearm. “We’re leaving.”

“Aw, don’t be like that,” the alpha clicks his tongue. “You’re part of the pack now, it’s time to make friends.”

“Something tells me you’re not looking for any more friends,” you say coldly. “If you’re really that bored, go bug your housemate.”

“Dino’s not anywhere near as pretty as you, and he doesn’t talk back, so it’s not as fun.”

“I’m not here to entertain you.” You’re getting tired of this alpha already.

“Shame,” Soonyoung tilts his head to the side. “Something tells me you’ll be very entertaining.”

“She said we’re leaving,” Mingyu states, and it’s as stern as you’ve heard him be with anyone, let alone an alpha.

“Well,” Soonyoung sighs, “I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”

You feel the need to give him a snarky response, but you don’t want to give him the satisfaction, so instead, you turn on your heel, heading back the way you came with Mingyu scrambling to follow.

You can feel Soonyoung’s eyes on you, and it sets your teeth on edge. If there’s one thing you hate in this world, it’s presumptuous alphas.

“Sorry about him,” Mingyu apologizes quietly.

“It’s not your fault,” you assure Mingyu, knowing that he has no say over Soonyoung’s behaviour.

“I want to make it up to you,” the beta insists.

“Yeah?” you laugh. “And how are you going to do that?”

“You need clothes,” Mingyu says. “Let me take you to the city, and we can get you something to wear.”

“You know what?” you take a deep breath. “I think that might be the best idea you’ve had all day.”

Mingyu tries his best not to stare at you. He keeps his gaze fixed on the road the entire drive to town, even as you stick your head out the window and let out a soft sigh as you enjoy the air moving over your skin. He fights the need to ask you questions about yourself, about the life you had in the Arcadia pack, but there’s so much he wants to know.

He tries to be nonchalant as you head into an underwear store, but he can feel his ears burning as he lumbers through the thongs and bras. “I should really wait outside,” he says meekly, but you ignore him, grabbing his hand to tug him along as you pick out panties.

“I need your opinion,” you tell him, holding up two thongs, “Silk or lace?”

Mingyu lets out a deep sigh, eyes shifting to the simple seamless set. They’re more practical for the life the pack lives, and less devastating if they get tort to shreds during an impromptu wolf transformation.

“Really?” you ask, reading his gaze. You hold the red thong up, assessing it. “You really are a simple kind of guy, aren’t you?”

“Are you calling me stupid?”

“No,” you grin. “I just don’t know what I expected from a guy who wears flannel and jeans.”

“You should get what you want,” Mingyu says softly. “You’re the alpha, I’m just a beta. How should I know what you want?”

“Maybe I’ll have to try them all on,” you suggest.

He feels his throat constrict, and he swallows thickly, giving a quick nod. “Yeah, okay.”

You fill a whole basket with undergarments, and Mingyu feels his heart thundering louder in his chest as you make your way to the change room.

“Oh,” the worker there says when you approach, looking Mingyu up and down, “Men aren’t allowed in the changeroom.”

“How am I supposed to know what he likes if he can’t come in?” you counter.

“I’m sorry ma’am-” the poor worker looks as uncomfortable as Mingyu feels.

“It’s okay,” he assures you. “I’ll just wait out here. In fact, I have an errand to run. You can try all this stuff on and I’ll be back in ten or fifteen.”

He hates the way you frown at the suggestion, but you give in with a sigh.

Mingyu watches you disappear into the changeroom, and the moment you’re gone, he all but bolts from the store.

Once outside, he takes a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. He has to keep his hormones in check- but there’s a need growing in the pit of his stomach, and he’s not sure he can ignore it, especially not if you give him a whole modeling show of underwear-

God, he’s in big trouble.

“You were gone for twenty minutes,” you say when Mingyu shows up at the lingerie store.

“Yeah, well, it took longer than I thought it would,” the beta sighs, not meeting your eyes.

“What were you even doing?” you press.

“Had to get you a phone,” Mingyu explains, pulling the device out of his pocket. “But it wasn’t just the phone, the sales guy had to talk to me about data plans, and coverage and I-” He shakes his head. “Here, just take it.”

You look down at the cell, then back up to him. “Why do I need a phone?”

“So you can call people?” he suggests.

You cock your head to the side. When you’d lived in the wilderness, there was never a need for a phone, let alone the service to make one useful. “Who am I going to call?”

“Me?” Mingyu coughs awkwardly. “The pack?”

“Fine, I’ll take it,” you concede, grabbing the phone and holding it to your chest. “But only because you’ll have my number. I’m not giving it to the others.”

“Cheol will need it,” Mingyu points out.

“Fine, he can have it too,” you sigh.

“Did you find some stuff to buy?” the beta asks, looking down at the basket slung over your arm.

“Yup,” you hold up a few pairs of panties. You’d mostly chosen the simple ones, but there are a few racier designs too. “Should we go to the checkout?”

“Yeah,” Mingyu nods, following you to the till.

When the worker checks all your items through, the cost is pretty high, and you blink in shock at how expensive things like this can be. Mingyu pulls out a card, and pays without a second thought.

He even takes the bag of items, holding it tightly in a hand as you head out of the store.

“Tell Cheol thank you for buying all of this,” you say, immediately assuming Mingyu’s using a pack credit card. Your last living arrangement had had a similar setup, and it’s all you know.

“Oh, uh… Cheol didn’t pay for this,” Mingyu says awkwardly. “I did.”

“You did?” you blink. “The head alpha doesn’t control all the money?”

“No,” Mingyu shakes his head. “We all have jobs and our own banking situations.”

“You have jobs?”

“Well, Cheol comes from money, so he’s connected to a family business, but most of us do labour, construction, that sort of thing,” Mingyu explains.

“Do I have to get a job?” you ask.

“Sometime down the line,” Mingyu responds. “But for now, I think you should just get used to not being in the forest all the time. You don’t have to pay rent or anything to live on the compound, but if you want to go into town or buy clothes, you’ll probably have to get a job to finance that.”

“Are you sure you can’t just buy things for me?” you tease, poking at Mingyu’s side.

You enjoy the way he swallows, and looks to actually be considering your request. “For now I can,” he says finally.

“I’ll find a job,” you assure him. “I’ve got no references or past experience, but I have things I can do.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Well, I’m pretty good at building things,” you tell him. “My old pack moved around a lot, but when we found places we liked, we could build pretty good cabins out of what was available. They’re not like the cabins you have, but… they’re something.”

“For some reason, I can’t picture you building yourself a cabin.”

“Well,” you consider it for a moment, “let me talk to Cheol, and maybe you’ll get to see me in action yourself.”

Mingyu lets out a laugh. “Now that’s something I’d definitely like to watch.”

It’s the evening of your second day with the pack when Seungcheol arrives at your cabin door. “Can I talk to you for a sec?” he asks.

“Of course.” You set down the bowl of soup Mingyu had cooked for you, grabbing one of Mingyu’s flannels to put on as you follow the alpha outside.

He takes you into the field, and the two of you turn to look back at the cabins. “So, I talked to my mom earlier,” Seungcheol says. “She agrees with you about having a few more females come through the compound to help with the birth.”

“That’s good news,” you nod.

“She’s been trying to talk me into it for a while, but, when you showed up and said the same thing- I guess it convinced me,” Seungcheol sighs. “Anyways, a handful of my relatives will be arriving tomorrow. We don’t have cabins for them, so they’ll be bringing RV’s, parking in this field and staying until my mate has our baby. Should be any day now, she’s been having pains recently.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your wife,” you nod sympathetically. You’d watched your own mother go through rough final trimesters, and you can’t imagine what it’s like for a woman without other females around.

Seungcheol seems like a put together guy, but men with ego can sometimes forget that women can provide things for each other that they can’t.

“Anyways,” Seungcheol looks at you, “there will be an extra bed or two in some of the RV’s. it’s not a long term solution, but I was thinking you might prefer that over staying with Mingyu.”

“Mingyu’s not so bad.”

“Wonwoo wants his bed back,” Seungcheol smiles.

“Oh, right,” you nod, gaze shifting to the grass at your feet. “Yeah, I can stay in an RV.”

“I was thinking of asking my mom if we could borrow one, or maybe even buy one. The compound needs more cabins, but those take time, and an RV feels like an easy option in the meantime… Mingyu mentioned you have some experience building structures?”

“I do,” you confirm.

“How would you feel about being part of the build process?” Seungcheol asks.

“I’d love that,” you say honestly.

“Usually builds are a pack project,” he explains. “A few of the guys can get a cabin up in month or two- you’d be working with them. Think you can take orders?”

“Depends who’s ordering.”

“Mingyu and Jeonghan usually take care of project plans and direction.”

“That sounds doable.”

“Good, then it’s settled.” Seungcheol nods to himself. “The cabin designs we use are for two bedrooms, so you wouldn’t have one to yourself. We’ve been thinking of pack expansion for a while, and with you here, it might be easier to get a female beta to join.”

“I’m really surprised your mate is the only female here,” you admit. “With thirteen male wolves, I would have thought at least a few would have partners.”

“What can I say?” Seungcheol shrugs. “Our pack is a boys club.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“I heard Soonyoung was giving you trouble.”

You laugh. “Mingyu tells you everything, doesn’t he?”

“He’s loyal,” Seungcheol nods. “He said you put Soonyoung in his place.”

“I tried, but something tells me Soonyoung didn’t get the message,” you sigh. The alpha has tried to talk to you repeatedly in the short time you’ve been here, and it’s led to you putting yourself practically under cabin house arrest in a bid to avoid him.

“You still mean what you said about backing me up right? I shouldn’t be worried about you making an alliance with Jihoon or Soonyoung?”

“I’m with you, a hundred percent,” you tell him firmly.

“That’s good to hear,” Seungcheol admits. “It’s nice to have you in my corner.”

“It’s nice to be in a good alpha’s corner. From what I’ve seen of you, you seem like the kind of guy to follow.”

The alpha rubs the back of his neck, letting out a small laugh. “I appreciate that. Maybe you can convince a few of my cousins to join in when they come, they’ve been pretty adamant about not wanting to have anything to do with me.”

“Well, they’re coming to help your wife give birth, so that’s a step in the right direction,” you point out.

“I wish I could be as optimistic as you,” Seungcheol sighs. “Anyways, thanks for the chat. I’m glad you found your way to us.”

It feels nice to have some estrogen amongst all the testosterone in the compound. When the women arrive in their RV’s it’s the first time you feel like you can join the pack for lunch. Picnic tables are pulled up into the field, and fold up chairs are placed around a fire where Seungcheol’s mother roasts meat.

She wasn’t a born alpha, but she’s an alpha now, and there’s a calm peace that comes with having a matriarch around.

With her, are two of Seungcheol’s aunts, and four cousins. When these seven women combine with you and Seungcheol’s mate, that means there are now nine women puttering about. You’re still outnumbered with men by four, but it feels much closer to even.

One of Seungcheol’s cousins is very focused on his wife, and she goes into his cabin and doesn’t come out. Two of the others seem to be getting to know Joshua and Jeonghan, which feels like an interesting choice to you. The last cousin, however, is clear that her intentions are set on Mingyu. She follows him around like a lost puppy, and the sight makes you sick to your stomach while you gnaw on your food.

“Look at those two,” Soonyoung says, falling into the chair next to yours. “They’re cute, don’t you think?”

“Sure, cute.” Your voice is near a growl.

“She’s been into him for years, you know.” The alpha taps his fingers on the armrest of his chair. “Wanted to move here and everything.”

“Then why didn’t she?” You can’t believe you’re humouring him by entertaining this conversation, but you itch to know the gossip he has. Although, you’re not entirely sure you can trust a word coming out of his mouth.

“She was younger then, but now she’s grown.”

She’s definitely grown, and her low neckline shirt shows just how well she’s grown.

“Seungcheol would love for her to join the pack,” Soonyoung continues.

“Then maybe she should,” you spit, standing. You’re tired of this, tired of watching little miss Choi Seona hang onto Mingyu’s every word, standing as close to him as possible.

“Where are you going?” the alpha asks.

“For a run,” you say, already tearing off your hoodie.

“Oooh, need company?”

“No,” you respond firmly. “Don’t you dare follow me.”

If he does, he’ll get a full view of you stripping naked in the field behind your cabin before you take off, and if Soonyoung sees you nude, you might just have to kill him.

Luckily, no one follows you, and you’re able to slip out of your clothes unnoticed, your skin tearing as you transform into a wolf and bolt into the trees.

You only arrive back at the compound after the sun has set, and instead of heading to the RV, you push through Mingyu’s cabin door.

Wonwoo is sitting on the couch, and he blinks at you. “What are you doing here?”

“Need to use your shower,” you grumble, hardly looking at Mingyu who is standing in the kitchen stirring a pot of ramen.

“The RV has a shower,” Wonwoo says, and you know he’s not really trying to be helpful.

“I’m using your shower,” you say, firmly this time, and when you reach the bathroom, you slam the door behind you, locking it.

It’s bad enough that you have to stay in an RV with three of Seungcheol’s cousins, sharing a shower with them might be too much. You hope that by the time you get there, the girls are going to sleep, and you can skip any talks about the day. You have nothing to say to Seona.

The hot shower gives you peace. Your mind has been reeling all day, and it’s nice to finally just relax, letting the water wash over you. For some stupid reason, you hadn’t considered the idea that one of the women coming to the compound would like Mingyu, and you realize now that it had been a major oversight on your part.

Of course at least one of the girls likes Mingyu- what’s not to like?

He’s big and handsome and kind and caring-

To make matters worse, the two of them have a history, or so Soonyoung says.

You wonder if Mingyu has feelings for Seona. You wonder how deep the feelings are.

Pushing the thought from your mind, you finish your shower, taking your time to dry off and slip on your clothes. You’d chosen the panties Mingyu liked in the hopes that one day he might see them- but now, you think that day might not ever come… not of Seona has anything to say about it.

When you exit the bathroom, Mingyu is standing there waiting for you, and Wonwoo is nowhere to be seen.

“Hey, you okay?” he asks, looking at you with concern.

“Of course,” you say curtly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s just… you disappeared at lunch, and you just got back- it’s been hours-”

“Aw, did you miss me, big guy?” you tease, forcing a smile. “That’s cute.”

“I was worried about our deer population,” Mingyu says, and when the side of his mouth quirks up slightly, you realize he’s joking.

“I didn’t kill anything,” you admit. “Just needed to stretch my legs.”

“Do they feel good now?” He looks down at your thighs, bare in the shorts you’re wearing.

“Uh huh,” you nod. “I’m ready to pass out.”

“First night in the RV,” Mingyu muses. “Excited for girl time?”

“No.”

He laughs. “I didn’t think you would be.”

“Do I not seem like a girls girl kind of girl?”

“Not really,” he cocks his head. “The good news is they won’t be staying long. Seungcheol’s mom said his mate is really close to giving birth. It’s lucky they arrived when they did. Lucky you convinced Cheol to let them come.”

“I guess we’re all just lucky this week,” you sigh.

“Yeah…” he looks at you awkwardly, “we are. Or at least… I’ve been feeling lucky lately.”

“Must be nice having a handful of available females around,” you snap, “gives you your pick of the litter.”

“That’s not-” Mingyu’s voice catches. “That’s not what I mean.”

“Sure it wasn’t. Look, I’m tired, I should go.”

“You can take the couch if you want- or my bed, I could have the couch-”

“Wonwoo would hate me more than he already does if I did that,” you sigh. “But thanks for the offer.”

Mingyu sends you a small smile, and watches you go. As you exit the cabin, he calls out “Goodnight,” and you can’t bring yourself to say it back.

You stomp toward the RV. As you approach, you hear giggles, and you stop, listening by the window.

“I don’t know guys,” Seona’s voice makes you scowl, “I just think Mingyu is really sweet.”

“He was with you all day,” one of her cousins agrees. “And wasn’t he your first kiss?”

“Shhh! We’re not supposed to talk about that!” Seona whispers, but you can tell the answer is affirmative.

So there is something between Seona and Mingyu.

Soonyoung hadn’t been lying.

“I bet he likes you too,” the third cousin muses.

“He acts like he does,” the other agrees.

You’ve heard enough.

You can’t stay in the RV with them. Turning, you head back into the woods.

Mingyu wakes up with excitement coursing through his veins, and it takes a moment for him to remember you’re not in the other room. The morning sun is shining through his window as he pulls on his clothes- it’s funny how only a few days with you has reset his internal clock.

He exits his cabin quietly, not wanting to wake Wonwoo, who has been particularly grumpy since you arrived. Mingyu can’t imagine why though- it’s not like his friend has given you a chance, and he thinks Wonwoo will like you once he puts some effort into getting to know you, the way he has.

With his hands in his pockets, Mingyu heads to the RV, and he’s pleased to find the door open. He can hear a feminine hustle and bustle, and the smell of coffee makes him smile. “Knock, knock,” he calls softly, peaking his head into the living space.

“Mingyu!” Seona exclaims, rushing over. “How did you sleep?”

“I slept alright,” he nods, scanning the interior in search of you.

“Can I grab you some coffee? I just made a fresh batch, and I make the best in the whole pack.”

“Uh… no thanks,” Mingyu offers her a small smile. “Is y/n around?”

“Nope,” Seona shakes her head. “She never came in last night. We all assumed she was sleeping in one of the cabins.”

“One of the cabins?” Mingyu’s confused already. “Well she wasn’t with me…”

“Why would she be with you, silly? You’re not an alpha.”

The smile on Seona’s face tells Mingyu she hadn’t meant it as an insult, but her words still sting. “Well she’s not with Jihoon or Soonyoung, I can tell you that much,” he states.

His words make Seona’s expression fall, and Mingyu also hadn’t meant to be rude, but he can’t help himself. The idea of you spending the night with any of his packmates rubs him the wrong way, and he needs to be certain that the girls visiting don’t think you’re here to find an alpha mate.

“Like I said,” Seona sighs, “she never came in last night.”

“Okay, well, I better go look for her,” Mingyu nods, turning to go.

“But-” Seona starts, however Mingyu’s already walking away, sniffing at the air in the hopes he can catch your scent.

There’d been no rain last night, and no heavy winds, so as he walks into the field, it’s not difficult to catch your smell clinging to the grass. Mingyu guesses he shouldn’t be surprised to find your trail leading into the forest, but at the same time, it makes his stomach twist into knots.

When you’d left at lunch yesterday, there’d been a very real fear in the back of his mind that he wouldn’t see you again, and that fear has returned.

His pace quickens as he reaches the tree line. It’s harder to track you with the forest smells, but Mingyu does his best, stopping at a few points to take deep breaths. You have a note of citrus in your scent, and Mingyu’s come to enjoy the taste of it on his tongue.

But then, the smell stops, and Mingyu finds himself at the foot of a tree. For the life of him, he can’t figure out which way you’ve gone, and he cusses loudly, kicking the pine.

“What the fuck?”

Your groggy voice causes Mingyu’s head to snap up, and he peers through the branches- locking eyes with you.

“Alpha?” he calls.

“Mingyu?”

He watches you rub your eyes, sitting up on the branch you must have been laying on. “What are you doing up there?” he asks, relief flooding his system.

“Trying to get a decent sleep until someone kicked my bed- why are you out here attacking trees?” you retort.

“I thought I’d lost your scent-” he tries to explain, which causes you to laugh.

“You were looking for me?” you ask, beginning to climb down.

“Well.. yeah. You weren’t in the RV.”

“Couldn’t spend a night with those girls,” you respond, jumping the last meter and landing on your feet in front of him. “They gossip too much.”

“Really?” Mingyu cocks his head as he looks at you. “Gossiping about what?”

“First kisses, boys, that sort of thing.” You won’t meet his gaze, and Mingyu realizes immediately what you’re talking about.

“Oh,” he says softly.

“Yeah, oh.” You tug your flannel tighter around your body and Mingyu wants to take you in his arms-

“Wait… alpha, are you jealous?”

“No,” you snap.

“It looks like you’re jealous,” Mingyu points out.

“If you wanna get with Seona then you should get with Seona, why would I care?”

“I don’t want to get with Seona.”

You finally look at him. “You don’t?”

He shakes his head. “It was one kiss, we were both young. It happened years ago.”

“The girls said you were being attentive to her yesterday.”

“As attentive as I can be to Seungcheol’s cousin,” Mingyu explains. “It’s not like I’m going to be rude to her, or any of them.”

“Sometimes I forget you’re just a nice guy,” you sigh, running a hand through your hair and taking a deep breath. Your next words are quiet, “I guess when you were being nice to me, I thought maybe it was more than that.”

He swallows, reaching out to grab your hand. “It was more than that,” Mingyu assures you.

“Really?” You look up at him and he’s never seen you so vulnerable, so beautiful-

“I don’t just go around buying girls underwear,” he says, which causes you both to laugh. “In case you were wondering.”

“So you’re saying…” you step closer to him, and Mingyu’s body tingles at the proximity. “You like me?”

“That’s probably an understatement,” Mingyu admits.

“Good… I understatedly like you too.” You're still holding his hand, and you give it a small squeeze.

“But-” he blinks at you. “I’m not an alpha or anything-”

“I know you’re not, Gyu,” you laugh. “I think that’s part of why I like you so much. You don’t try to tell me what to do. You don’t try to control me. You just… exist with me. I’m not used to that.”

“I-” Mingyu’s brain is blank. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Maybe you don’t have to say anything,” you suggest, leaning closer. Your gaze dips to his lips, and Mingyu’s tongue darts out to wet them-

You’re about to kiss him, he knows it, and his whole body feels on fire as you close the distance between your chests.

You let go of his hand, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck. “Do you want to kiss me, Gyu?”

The word ‘yes’ doesn’t even cut it, so instead, he simply presses his lips to your own. It’s not a sweet kiss. It’s not soft, or tentative- it’s hungry, and Mingyu’s hands grab at your hips, tugging you closer.

Your tongue glides over his own and Mingyu groans loudly, fingers digging into your flannel. He’s not sure what’s come over him, but he simply can’t help himself. He leans down, grabbing at your ass and lifting you off the ground.

Your legs instinctively wrap around his hips, a mewl escaping you as Mingyu presses you back against the tree, pinning you there while he continues to kiss you like he’s never kissed anyone in his whole life.

You feel perfect in his arms, and he could get drunk from your lips. Mingyu can already feel his cock straining against his jeans, a need surging through him like never before.

Mingyu had thought he’d lost you - if even for a moment - and he’s not willing to lose you ever again. He doesn’t want you running into the woods anymore when you’re having emotions, he wants you running to him, and he kisses you as if to say ‘please, never leave.’

He had always thought Seungcheol would be his alpha, but you’d shown up and flipped his world upside down. Mingyu doesn’t care about appeasing his friend anymore- all he cares about is appeasing you- pleasuring you, giving you everything you could ever possibly want, everything you could ever need.

Nothing in Mingyu’s life has ever felt this right before, and he gets lost in the feeling of you as you claw at his shoulders, kissing him harder and taking his breath away.

You can’t believe this is happening. Can’t believe Mingyu has you pressed to a tree, his mouth hot against your own-

After so many conflicting emotions in the past twenty four hours, this turn of events has you reeling- or maybe that’s just Mingyu. No one has ever kissed you like this before- like you’re the very air they need to breathe.

He’s intoxicating, and you need more.

“Gyu,” you gasp against his lips.

He hums, moving his mouth to your throat, peppering your skin in wet kisses that have you groaning.

“Put me down,” you say, voice shaky.

He doesn’t question you, setting you onto the forest floor-

And then you’re pushing at his chest. “Get on the ground,” you command him.

His pupils are blown with lust and he takes a haggard breath, then he does what you’ve asked of him. He stumbles back, landing in the grassy dirt.

You’re on him not a moment later, straddling his hips and cupping his face, grinding down against his lap while your need for him grows between your legs. You’ve soaked through your panties, but you can’t bring yourself to care-

He feels like heaven below you, seated upright, hands grabbing at your waist and the small of your back, holding you firm to him while you swivel your hips.

Your kisses move to his throat, teeth grazing by his jugular, and the beta below you shivers. “Alpha-”

God, it feels so good to have him addressing you properly, to be giving himself to you like this-

“I wanna fuck you,” you tell him. “I wanna fuck you so bad-”

“Please,” he practically whimpers, and the sound has you moaning loudly.

You apply pressure to his shoulders again, and he falls flat to the ground, looking up at you while trying to catch his breath.

He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to say anything.

It’s just you and him, nothing else matters-

A scream cuts through the trees, and your head whips in the direction of the sound. “Did you hear that?” you ask, freezing, your hips coming to a stop while you sit on top of the beta.

“I didn’t hear anything,” Mingyu groans, fingers digging into your skin, urging you to pick up your motions again.

The noise rings again, clearer this time, and you realize immediately what it is. “Shit!” you gasp, jumping to your feet. “The baby is coming!”

“Now?!” Mingyu sits up abruptly.

“Now,” you confirm. “I have to go.” You lean down to kiss him one last time. “We’ll continue this later,” you promise, and then you’re running through the woods back to the compound.

Your heart is racing in your chest. You’ve never run this hard before, and your muscles scream at you, but you push on, knowing that you need to get to Cheol’s mate. You need to be there for the birth- it will solidify you as part of the pack, and Hell, lives could be at risk.

You push out of the tree line, eyes zoning in on Seungcheol’s cabin. Women are running around, and a few of the men too. Seungcheol looks wild as you approach, darting up the stairs two at a time-

His hand stops you before you can go through the door. “You smell like Mingyu,” he says.

“Are we really doing this now?!” you ask, breathless. “I need to go help your wife!”

He lets go of your arm, and you enter the cabin, knowing that the next few hours are going to be crucial for not only you, but the entire pack.

Four hours after arriving to the delivery cabin, you exit it, looking around at the male pack outside. You’d thought it best to leave Seungcheol’s wife with his own family, and after the difficult labour, you need an estrogen break. You also need to let everyone know how things went, especially Cheol, who hadn’t been allowed inside due to the small space already being full of female wolves intent on keeping things as calm as possible.

One look at Seungcheol tells you he’s the furthest thing from calm- and you offer him a small smile. “Congratulations, you have a son,” you tell him softly.

“Is everything okay?” he asks, taking in your blood soaked flannel.

“The baby had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, but luckily for you, two of my brothers were born that way too. We sorted it out. Your mate, and your son, are both looking perfectly healthy.”

There are tears in Seungcheol’s eyes, and he moves to go past you, to enter the cabin, but then he stops, grabbing your arm. “We’ll have to talk about you and Mingyu later,” he warns, voice low.

“I expected nothing less,” you nod.

The alpha releases your arm, entering the cabin and shutting the door behind him.

Mingyu’s the next person in front of you, taking in your clothes. “I-” he reaches out and wipes some blood off your face. “I don’t-”

“You don’t have to say anything,” you assure him. You can tell by the way his gaze dips to your lips that he wants to kiss you, but you’re much too dirty for that, covered in all sorts of fluids you have no wish to spread across Mingyu’s pretty features.

“You need a shower,” he tells you. “And new clothes.”

“Not a shower,” you state. “I need a nature cleanse after all of this.”

“I know a river nearby,” Mingyu nods.

“Let’s go,” you say softly, ignoring the rest of the pack as you follow Mingyu down the stairs.

An unexpected hand reaches out and pats you on the shoulder, and you turn to see Jihoon nodding at you. “Good job.”

Another hand reaches out, then two more- they’re all avoiding the blood on the front of your shirt, going for back rubs, and you’re shocked to find that the touch isn’t unwelcome.

It feels like acceptance. Like you’re truly part of the pack now.

Even Soonyoung offers you a small smile as you walk past, and your skin feels alive with emotion as you head with Mingyu to the tree line.

The beta doesn’t say anything as he leads you through the forest, and you prefer it that way. You’ve just had to listen to a woman scream and cry and give birth for hours- the silence makes way for the noises of the forest, and they wash over you, relaxing your tense muscles.

Five minutes of quiet bliss go by, and then Mingyu tells you you’re close to the river. You can hear it over the sound of wind brushing through the trees, and the smell of running water hits your nose.

Your pace quickens, and soon, you reach a small alcove. The river has cut a chunk out of the hillside, and the water is still in comparison to the rush beyond. It looks clean, clear, and welcoming.

Without a second thought, you strip your shirt and bra off, tossing them onto the rocks. Your pants come next, and soon, you’re completely naked, stepping into the cool alcove.

When you look over your shoulder, you find Mingyu gawking at you, still completely dressed.

“Aren’t you going to join me?” you ask, ignoring the icy water as you wade to your hips.

The beta tears his flannel off, and you turn away, reaching down to cup the water and wash it over your skin. The liquid tints a soft red colour as you brush away the blood, working your hands over yourself until you’re clean.

You can hear the lapping of water as Mingyu approaches you, and then his large, warm body is wrapping around your back, pulling you tight to his chest.

“You’re amazing,” he breathes, pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” you retort, turning in his embrace and encircling your arms around the back of his neck. Your breasts press against his bare chest, and he looks down at you with eyes full of wonder.

His hand comes up to cup your cheek, and then he’s kissing you softly.

You melt against him, letting out a groan-

You’d been in midwife mode, but the feelings of what had taken place just before hearing the initial scream come back quickly. The need you have for Mingyu returns with full force and you deepen the kiss, gliding your tongue against his bottom lip.

He stifles a moan, reaching down to grab your hips, pulling you flush to his body. You can feel his hard length trapped between you, and your pussy flutters at the realization that his cock is as big as the rest of him.

Before you can reach for him, Mingyu’s hand is slipping between you, his fingers seeking out your clit, and you moan loudly in his mouth. “I wanna-” he swallows, breaking the kiss to look down at you. “I wanna say you’re wet, but we’re in a river.”

“I’m wet,” you confirm, digging your nails into his broad shoulders. “You feel so good-”

His lips move down to your neck, and he finds your sweet spot much too fast. You gasp loudly, tangling your fingers in his hair while you grind down against his hand, his digits rubbing harder on your clit.

“No, you feel so good,” he grumbles, breath hot on your throat, making you twitch.

His touch rubs lower, teasing your opening, and you whimper in his embrace. Your eyes close and you lean toward him, resting your forehead on his shoulder while he presses a digit into your core.

“Shit, alpha,” Mingyu gasps. “You’re so tight-”

“Guess… guess you better work me open if I’m going to take you properly,” you tell him, tugging gently on his hair.

“Yes, alpha,” Mingyu pants, moving his finger in and out of your pussy, “I can do that.”

When you open your eyes and look down, you’re enthralled by his pretty cock, bobbing just below the water. You let go of his hair in favour of wrapping your hand around his length and Mingyu groans loudly by your ear.

“You’re so big,” you whisper, marveling at how your fingers can’t even touch as you slowly move up and down his shaft. “My big, sweet, beta.”

Mingyu moans again, pressing fevered kisses against your throat and your under jaw. He likes praise, and luckily for you both, you like praising him.

“Such a good beta for me,” you continue, gasping when he fucks his digit into your harder, palming your clit. “Stretching me so good- add another finger Gyu, I need it.”

You groan when he follows through, your pussy fluttering to accommodate the second intrusion.

The cold water is lapping at your sides, his forearm flexing with effort while he finger fucks you closer and closer to the edge. Your own hand is still wrapped around him, and you tease your thumb over the slit, making him gasp loudly.

“You like that, big guy?” You smile, pressing a kiss to his collarbone.

“Yes, alpha,” he nods, sucking on your earlobe.

“But you’re not going to cum until you’re inside me, right?” you question.

“No, I can-” he lets out a strangled sound when you pump him harder, “I can wait.”

“Good puppy.”

He whimpers at the pet name, licking your throat while his fingers continue inside of you.

You swivel your hips, grinding down against his palm, driving his digits deeper into your pussy while moans slip past your lips.

“Gyu,” you whisper, “I’m gonna cum.”

“Please, cum, alpha. Please cum for me,” he begs, sounding as needy as you’ve ever heard him.

Your pussy flutters at his words, and he continues to edge you on, moaning “please” softly in your ear until you’re on the cusp of pleasure.

“Gyu,” you groan, closing your eyes as your body tenses-

“Come on, alpha,” he encourages you. “Cum on my fingers.”

Your brain short circuits as your pussy clamps down on him, waves of ecstasy rolling through you, making you shudder in his embrace.

“You sound so good,” he praises you, sucking on your throat while his fingers continue inside of you, helping you through your orgasm until you’re gasping and clawing at his shoulder, tightening your grip on his cock. “Fuck, alpha-” he groans.

“Need you inside of me,” you tell him, letting go of his length to steady your hands on his shoulders.

He pulls his fingers out of your core, grabbing your ass to lift you up. Your legs wrap around his hips and one of his hands lines his cock with your pussy. His eyes look into yours, as if he’s asking permission, and you nod, bracing yourself for the stretch that comes a moment later.

“Fuck-” you groan, burying your face against his throat as he begins to fill you up.

Two digits were big, but his cock is bigger, and your inner walls work to accommodate him as he pushes in inch by inch.

You’re trembling by the time he’s fully inside of you, your hips pressed together. His lips press kisses to your hair, and his fingers dig against your hips.

“You feel like Heaven,” he breathes.

“But you better fuck me like Hell,” you retort, swallowing thickly as you get used to his size.

“You got it, alpha,” Mingyu nods.

Something tells you even if you weren’t in the river alcove, Mingyu could fuck you like a beast carrying you in this position, but the water makes it even easier for him to maneuver your body. It almost feels effortless, if it weren’t for his large biceps bulging as he begins to rut into you.

God, he’s so fucking pretty-

His cock hits all your spots, filling you just right.

If you’d been lost in his kisses, you’re practically brain dead from his cock. You’re clinging to his shoulders, eyes closed in bliss as he pleasures you, rutting into you faster and harder, making the water lap loudly at your sides.

Mingyu’s groaning in your ear, and the sound makes your pussy flutter around him, which only makes him louder. “Alpha-” he cries desperately, grip digging into your ass.

“That’s it, puppy,” you coo, threading your fingers through his hair. “You’re doing so good for me-”

He’s panting now, and you realize he must be close. You suppose that’s what happens when he gets to finger fuck you to an orgasm but you make him wait after stroking him off.

You hadn’t thought about what do to with his cum when you’d entered the water, and now, you’re realizing you’re going to have to make him pull out.

After just helping Seungcheol’s mate give birth, you’ve discovered you don’t want kids anytime soon, and Mingyu cumming inside of you could pose a bit of a problem to your future plans.

You’re going to hate to do this to him- even though you know he won’t protest.

In the dark corners of your mind, part of you plays with the idea of him refusing to pull out. Of him going full alpha and negating your wishes, of him filling you to the brim with his cum and forcing you to feel all of him.

But you don’t want an alpha. You want him. And it feels like freedom to be fucking a beta who is going to listen to your every word.

“Gyu,” you whisper, threading your fingers through his hair.

He grunts.

“You can’t cum inside of me,” you tell him.

“Fuck, right- yeah,” he nods, swallowing thickly. “I can pull out.”

“But you’ll make me cum first, right?” you question.

God, it might just kill him to fuck you while you cum and hold off his own orgasm, only to pull out of you and jack off into the stupid river-

“Yes alpha, I’ll make you cum,” he promises, fucking you harder. “Please, I’m close- I need you to cum-”

“I’m close too,” you assure him, closing your eyes and focusing on the feeling of his massive cock stretching out your pussy. You can feel a vein running along the underside of his length, that’s how big he is, and it makes your toes curl. “Shit, puppy-”

“Please,” he whimpers, and you realize he’s nearly overstimulated.

Having Mingyu completely undone while he fucks you is the cherry on top of your pleasure, and you let out a choked gasp, holding onto him tightly while your second orgasm slams into you.

Your pussy clamps down on his cock and Mingyu lets out a loud moan, fingers digging into your hips roughly. He’s panting hard, cussing all sorts of swear words into your ear while he fucks you through your high, taking care of you until you’re done.

The moment you push at his shoulders, he pulls out of you, letting you onto your feet while he wraps a hand around his cock-

“No, let me,” you insist, pushing his fingers out of the way so you can grab his aching length with both fists.

You press your lips to his neck, kissing him and licking at his sensitive skin while you jack him off, and a second later he’s letting out a deep moan in the back of his throat. It’s something near a growl, and it’s one of the sexiest sounds you’ve ever heard.

“That’s it, puppy,” you praise. “Cum for me. Cum for me, big guy, just like that-”

“Alpha,” he whimpers, body jerking as your touch overstimulates him, and when he’s done, he pushes your hands away from his throbbing cock, struggling to catch his breath.

He leans down, resting his forehead against yours while you both stand there panting.

“Fuck,” Mingyu groans, wrapping both arms around you and pulling you tight to his chest. His heart is racing wildly, and you smile against his skin, pressing soft kisses there. “That was so good,” he tells you. “You’re so good-”

“You did all the work,” you whisper, holding him tighter.

“No, I just did what alpha asked me too,” he argues.

You decide to let him win this one, and you melt against his warm chest, snuggling closer.

You’re not sure how long you stand like that, but when Mingyu finally lets you go, he cups your jaw, bringing your lips to his.

“I love you,” he murmurs, and it makes your body tense. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have said it-”

“No,” you assure him, pressing your hand on his chest. “I love you too.”

“You do?” Mingyu blinks down at you.

You nod. “In fact… I would have marked you, made you mine, but… I have to talk to Seungcheol first.”

“Right,” Mingyu swallows, “Seungcheol.”

“You remember your other alpha, right, big guy?” you laugh.

“Yeah.” The beta runs a hand through his hair, gaze shifting to the rocky shore. “We should probably head back.”

“That might be a good idea,” you concede. “Seungcheol probably needs you right now.”

Mingyu nods, grabbing your hand and leading you back to the water’s edge.

He lets you out first, and you have the suspicion he’s staring at your ass.

“Take my flannel,” Mingyu tells you. “Your clothes are ruined.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” you grin, reaching down for the long shirt that acts like a dress as you wrap it around your naked form.

Mingyu tugs on his jeans, and you fish your panties out of your clothes, slipping them on.

“You know, I got these so you could see me in them,” you admit, showing him your ass, “But you hardly got to enjoy them before we got in the water.”

“I have time to enjoy them,” he assures you, pulling you in for a kiss.

He smiles against your lips, and you laugh, looking up at him. “What?”

“I’m just thinking… thinking about the day you arrived here. How I gave you my shirt then, and now here we are, with you in another flannel.”

“You were my knight in shining armour,” you tell him, heart swelling at the memory.

“I can’t explain it,” Mingyu says, “but part of me knew even then- I knew that you were going to change everything. I’m so happy you came to us.”

You beam up at your new mate. “Me too.”

You’re not surprised to find Seungcheol waiting for you when you arrive back at the cabins. He’s on his porch, holding a tiny bundle of blankets, and he stands when you and Mingyu exit the forest.

“I’m going to go talk to him,” you tell Mingyu.

“Do you want me to come with you?” he asks.

“I think this is something he’ll want to discuss alone, you know, alpha business.” You gently elbow Mingyu’s side and he flashes you a smile.

“Whatever you say,” he agrees, breaking off from you to head toward his own cabin while you approach the alpha watching you.

“Hi,” you greet Seungcheol, stopping at the steps.

“Hi,” he responds, gaze following Mingyu.

“That’s a cute baby you’ve got there,” you offer, hoping to break some of the tension you’re feeling.

“He wouldn’t be here without you,” Seungcheol nods. “My mother said you pulled your weight today, and I wanted to thank you.”

“No need,” you assure him. “I was happy to help… is your mate asleep?”

“Yeah, she needs rest.” Seungcheol starts down the stairs. “Come walk with me.”

The two of you head out into the field, and you wait for Seungcheol to start the conversation you know you’re about to have.

The alpha stops in the middle of the open space, looking back at the cabins. “Is it real?” he asks finally.

“Hmm?”

“You and Mingyu,” Seungcheol clarifies, gently rocking the baby in his arms. “Is it real.”

“Yeah,” you nod, licking at the grass and everting your eyes. “I felt something the moment I saw him.”

“He’s a good guy,” Seungcheol sighs. “An even better beta, and the best right-hand man I could have ever asked for.”

“You’re lucky to have him,” you agree. “And he knows how lucky he is to have you as an alpha.”

“And that’s how it’s always going to be,” Seungcheol breathes. “I’m his alpha. I can’t have him torn between us if disagreements ever arise. I could manage if someone else was loyal to you, but not him.”

“He’s still loyal to you,” you insist. “As I said when we met, I’m not looking to be a leader. He can be your right-hand man, and I can be your… left-hand woman.” You both chuckle at the notion. “No one will challenge you with me and Mingyu at your side.”

“I guess there’s truth in that,” Seungcheol admits.

“I admire you,” you continue. “Not only did you not choose an omega as a mate, you chose a human, and you made her into a beta. I don’t know many alphas that can say that. I think… I think if you get to choose your mate, I should be able to as well.”

“Is that an alpha suggestion, or your personal opinion?”

“Just an opinion,” you say softly.

There are a few beats of silence, and you listen to the wind rustling through the trees. It’s shocking how much has changed in just a few days. New life in the pack, both the baby and you. New love too.

“I don’t know you that well yet,” Seungcheol says, choosing his words carefully. “But if Mingyu trusts you, then I guess I do too.”

“Really?” you look at the alpha, eyes widening.

Seungcheol doesn’t meet your gaze, he continues looking out at the cabins, but he gives a curt nod. “If you both like each other as much as you obviously do, who am I to come between that?”

“Well, you’re the alpha, so the decision is really up to you-”

“No,” Seungcheol shakes his head. “This isn’t the sort of thing I want to be a deciding authority on. And… if it’s any consolation, the two of you have my blessing.”

Your breath catches, and your throat feels dry. “Thank you,” you say, voice cracking. “I uh… Thank you.”

“No need,” Seungcheol smiles, repeating the words you’d said to him only a minute ago. “Just…” he turns to face you, “don’t break his heart, yeah?”

“Alpha,” you laugh, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Good,” Seungcheol nods. “Welcome to the pack.”

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🔮 preview. “You’re so pretty,” your mate groans, one of his large hands sneaking up to cup your breast. His thumb brushes over your nipple and you whimper at the feeling. Mingyu sits up suddenly, adjusting a palm to the floor so he can keep himself up while his lips seek out your breasts. He starts by sucking a mark into your skin, letting out a deep sound of pleasure while pressing his face between your boobs. You place your hands on his shoulders, using him as leverage to fuck him harder. The sound of your thrusts fills the small room, and you can hear how wet you are with each bounce. You bet Jeonghan and Joshua can hear it too.

cw/ tw. Protected sex, vouyerism (sex while others listen), slight exhibitionism (sex in an unfinished cabin), size kink, boob worship, mentions of claim marks, big dick Mingyu, praise, dirty talk, mutual orgasm, blow job, deep throating, etc… I pet names: (hers) alpha. (his) big guy, puppy.

👹 rating. 18+ explicit I wc. 3.1k I teaser wc. 400

🌙 staring. Mingyu x afab!Reader

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It’s not that working on building cabins out in the forest had been easy, but nothing compares to the difficulties of trying to focus on a build while Mingyu walks around shirtless, skin glistening in the sun with sweat. His scent perfumes the locations he’s working on, and it’s been three straight weeks of you trying desperately to ignore the wet of your panties sticking to your core.

The structure is definitely coming together though, and each day brings you closer to having a place you can call your own. Fucking Mingyu in the RV has been… interesting to say the least. He’s just so big- he doesn’t fit in the tiny bunk bed, so he’s taken to fucking you against the walls, the whole wheeled home rocking-

In fact, a few of your new packmates have come up with the saying, ‘When the RV’s a’ rockin’ don’t come a knockin'. You’re much too used to fogged up windows and biting into a pillow to stop screams from escaping the badly insulated vehicle, and the idea that soon you’ll have a cabin to fuck him in is making you all the more eager to get the project complete.

“When do you think we’ll get this done?” you ask, looking over Jeonghan’s shoulder at the project plans as you finish up for the day.

“Two weeks?” he suggests. “We’ve been making good time on this. Our window guys is set to come in a few days and then after that we just have to set up plumbing and electrical, then furnishings-” Jeonghan lets out a deep breath, considering all the moving parts. “Yeah, I could see you and Mingyu moving in here pretty soon.”

“Mingyu’s not moving in with me,” you insist.

Jeonghan flashes you a knowing smile. “Sure he isn’t.” The wolf rolls up the cabin plans, looking around the space. “You know, even though the windows aren’t in yet, I’m pretty sure if you and Mingyu wanted to christen the place, it’s far enough from everyone else that you could get away with it without Seungcheol knowing and getting mad.”

“That’s not a bad idea, actually,” you smirk.

“That’s me, I’m just full of good ideas,” Jeonghan returns your grin. “But at the same time… if you wanted us to hear you two, if you wanted to be loud, I don’t think any of us would mind.”

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alastorss · 6 months

Text

��𝑶𝑹𝑬𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑴𝑶𝑹𝑬 — 𝑨𝑳𝑨𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹 𝑿 𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑫𝑬𝑹

𝑨𝑪𝑻 𝑰 — 𝑻𝑶 𝑫𝑬𝑽𝑶𝑼𝑹 ☽ series masterlist | other works

syn. The Radio Demon gathers your wrist and presses kisses along your pulse, stopping when he feels it racing beneath his lips. Gently, he sinks his teeth into your flesh just above your vein, enough to draw a taste of blood, before lapping at the spillage like nectar.

He’ll let you frolic around in his daydreams a little longer—allow you to sip from the chalice and taste mortal life again. It would make your flesh all the sweeter when he finally digs in.

“You are strange,” he murmurs against your skin.

“And you bite too hard,” you complain.

warnings: literal and metaphorical cannibalism, non-sexual biting, soul selling, blood and violence, co-dependency, probably slightly toxic relationship, alastor is a whole walking warning. wc: 5.7k

𝑰 𝑺𝑯𝑨𝑳𝑳 𝑬𝑨𝑻 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑯𝑬𝑨𝑹𝑻

The Devil is beautiful beyond comparison.

Wrapped in silky red and black from head to toe; drenched in the colour and stench of blood; he’s dressed to the nines as if tonight will be his last. He stands seven feet tall—eight or nine if you trace all the way to the tips of his antlers now strung with the flesh and sinew of freshly slaughtered buffalo.

You think for a brief moment that he is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, hypnotized by the twirling of his cane. Only divinity could dare to be this breathtaking, yet here he is before you defying all heavensent rules. Unsure of whether you’ll ever stand so close yet so far from Heaven again, you reach out to touch him just to test if he is even real.

The Devil has a suave smile that makes his eyes crinkle in joy, teeth yellow and baring at you. A threat, you think, but you don’t care. His smile shrinks and grows in an endless cycle as you run a hand up and down the front of his coat, corduroy smooth beneath the pads of your fingers.

You recognize this look he’s giving you: who do you think you are? A filthy sinner begging The Devil for salvation? How pathetic.

And yet he seems equally entranced by your touch, as if you are the first. Somehow, he pierces you with his eyes but you can tell that he’s looking straight through you. A silly, powerless fool like you isn’t even worth his eyes.

Despite his apathy, he was the one who intervened with your early demise when he could have just as easily been on his merry way. Venison is best when fresh—that’s what he told the butcher. But it was spoiling in his hands the longer he stood there between you and the door, urging you to leave and simultaneously gluing you to the floor.

The Devil saved your life framed in the harsh red of the underworld.

Light pours in through the door he has blocked, illuminating his frame in warm shades of amber and crimson. His eyes shimmer in the shadow it casts on him, you realize. They glow like fireflies—yellow and flickering.

“You are wounded,” he suddenly points out as he towers over you. At first he seems taken aback by his own observation, as if he hadn’t meant to speak his thoughts into existence, but then it mellows into something along the lines of morbid amusement. Amused by your mortality—the mark of a demon.

Sinners were nothing more than sacks of meat and blood, after all. No less than they were when they were alive on Earth.

The question drifts dangerously through your mind: is he not a Sinner just as much as I am?

Static cracks in his throat, an eerie jazz tune faintly floating through the air, and you know then that you must be wrong. Regular Sinners do not know souls like the dozens you can hear screaming in the background of his smooth jazz.

“Help me. Please?” Your fingers dip into your wound and you cry out weakly in pain. His smile only grows.

Poor little lamb, so sweet and trusting. If he didn't know any better, he'd have thought you waltzed right into this shop knowing that the butcher wanted to flay you open.

“Unfortunately, I am not interested in…” He leans down so his face hovers just above yours. “Charity.”

From this angle, he can see the subtle widening of your eyes. The way your pulse jumps in your throat, deliciously afraid. You reek of fear and something else he can’t quite place. It makes him salivate.

The Devil is cold to the touch—death incarnate. You hadn’t noticed until your hands were on his face, his neck, lathering down his chest, nails raking deep marks into his skin.

“I’ll give you my soul.”

“I have plenty of souls, my dear. More than you could possibly imagine! What good would yours do in my collection, hm?”

Yes, what good would your soul be to someone like him? At the end of the day, your name would be drowned out by the endless sea of his other contracts. Forgotten and abandoned, the last piece of your identity. There’s only one way you could be more than those before you.

“I can do anything. I can be anything. Just name it.”

“Oh?” He hums with a raised brow, intrigued by the offer of the soul and body. “And if I said I wanted you to be my dinner tonight?”

You swallow nervously. “Then I would present myself to you on a silver platter.”

He laughs at this, clearly humoured by your answer. “You’ve got yourself a deal!”

And that is how it came to be: a lowly Sinner and an Overlord of Hell—forever intertwined by the messy entanglement of your souls.

Forevermore, you used to joke with your fingers braiding marigolds into his hair. Oh, how he misses that laughter so.

𝑨𝑺 𝑫𝑬𝑽𝑰𝑳𝑺 𝑫𝑶

The four walls of Alastor’s radio station become your only friends.

You learn that there isn’t much to talk to besides the walls anyhow, since the microphone and anything else on Alastor’s sprawling desk is off limits. Even he himself is not around very often, sometimes disappearing for days on end and coming back stinking of rotten flesh and blood, of which you have become acquainted.

You also learn that he likes things in a particular way.

For example, you may only see your reflection once every day. I hate it when my food has an ego—that’s what he had told you once. And you are only allowed to eat whatever he hand-feeds you. That is the life of a pet, after all, and you are nothing but a glorified domestic animal he has chained to his wall.

One day passes and he does not devour you like he originally intended. Then two. Then five. Eventually, you lose space on the wall to make another tally mark, so you resort to counting in your head until you forget how to track time.

“Usually people take their dogs for walks,” you once jested to him after he signed off his morning broadcast and sat there staring at the wall for a while.

He only gazed at you lazily from across the room for a moment before rolling his chair over to you and tilting your head back by the chin. He dipped his thumb between your teeth until you chewed on him and told you:

“How convenient it is that you aren’t a dog, then!”

You never brought it up again, not because you were afraid of him swallowing you whole where you stood, but because he tasted of death itself and you would rather avoid having his thumb in your mouth.

The third thing you learn is that he’s not all that scary so long as he deems you entertaining and obedient enough. Overlords—that’s what Alastor calls the ones who own souls—come and go and usually never return.

You earn raised brows and questioning looks. He often challenges them with his eyes: go on, ask me! Ask about my new pet so I have a good enough reason to dirty my coat with your filth.

The ones who pipe up about your presence are the ones who end up as wavelengths in his show. Alastor is quite protective of his pets, you see. What’s his is his, and what isn’t will be his one day. In his own sadistic, twisted ways, he is actually quite a good owner.

You’ve learned the loneliness that comes with being his pet, too.

Loneliness so empty that it swallows your lungs until you can’t breathe. A loneliness that crushes your ribs to dust. The familiar hum of jazz music became your most cherished companion.

Solitude is a funny thing. It plays tricks on the mind, drives people mad. Even Alastor can’t be immune to it, in his defense. You wonder if that’s why he’s opted to do nothing but stare at you from his desk for the night.

Soft whispers and laughter fill the room, voices enchanting you with their poetry. They buzz from the demon’s radio which is perched by his head where it rests on the table.

The room is illuminated only by the tiny lamp on his desk and the artificial glow of moonlight. He has decided to grace you with several blankets after weeks of your complaints of the radio tower being too drafty. They’re wrapped unceremoniously around you.

“What?” You ask him from the sofa after he’s been staring for far longer than he usually would.

He offers you a moment of relief as he tears his eyes away from you, like he had not even realized he was staring so intensely. But then they’re back on you in an instant, boring through your soul.

The soul he owns.

“I’ve never…” He trails off, seeming as if he can’t decide whether or not you are worth conversation.

Your head tilts to the side in confusion, watching him carefully consider his next words. Finally, he goes back to listening to the whispers and chattering from his noisy radio, pretending as if you no longer exist.

You take the opportunity to observe. It’s not like you hadn't had chances to discreetly watch him before—you live under the heel of his boot, after all. But to see him off of his show, face tired and dark despite the permanent smile that paints it, something stirs in your chest.

The final thing you learn is that the only soul more lonely than yours is the one which belongs to the demon who holds your heart.

He keeps friends in his shows. Voices to keep him company. You suppose that before you showed up, there wasn’t much else to talk to, and Alastor is a man of habit. He never stopped collecting those voices, no. Not even with you right there.

Thinking back, you wonder if he ever went as mad as you did when he first brought you here. If he counted days on the walls he talked to. If he would sit in deafening silence after his broadcast ended until deciding he wanted venison for dinner.

If he ever appreciated your presence, even as nothing more than his pet.

It was the only explanation for your beating heart. Why he had not devoured you down to the marrow yet.

You slowly shimmy off the couch and drag the blankets along with you, trailing behind you like a cape. The sudden movement makes his head turn at lightning speed, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

His body is impossibly rigid—it’s the first thing you notice when you drop to your knees by his side to rest your chin on his thigh. Alastor’s claws are threading through your hair before he can stop himself, feeling your warmth beneath his palm.

A dog and their owner. Only this pair could know silent adoration this way.

It’s twisted, you think, that he still holds this spell over you. That he’s still the most beautiful being in all of Hell.

It doesn’t matter anymore, though. Without him, you were nothing more than a plate of dinner that sprouted legs to all the other demons. You may not have your soul, but for some reason, you find comfort being seen by a monster like him.

“You look ridiculous, darling.”

“It’s not my fault you keep me suspended twenty feet off the ground,” you grumble, eyes drifting shut under the gentle smoothing of your hair.

“That’s what the blanket is for!”

“You’re about… five months too late,” you deadpan.

If it were any other Overlord, such a badmouth would have gotten you eaten already. But he only chuckles in response, quiet and lovely.

A long beat of silence passes before realization crashes down on you. Your eyes fly open as you peer up at him in curiosity. His voice is missing its usual lively buzz of static, as if a switch had been turned off. He sounds…

“Beautiful,” you breathe.

The demon raises a brow at you in question. You quickly shake your head, embarrassed by your sudden declaration. His hand stops atop your head. Laughing at your flustered expression, he suddenly removes you from his lap to stand.

“Come. It’s a nice night for a walk.”

“A walk?” You repeat, dumbfounded.

Alastor smiles ear to ear.

“That’s what dogs do, is it not?”

𝑳𝑰𝑲𝑬 𝑨 𝑹𝑶𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑵 𝑫𝑶𝑮

The difference between you and Alastor is that the only soul you’ve ever known is your own.

You’ve memorized its shape, the way it flickers like a flame within your chest. Like it has its own tiny heartbeat—a separate being residing in your body. You know its colour and its tendency to leap when adrenaline courses through you. You know every part of it. Even then, it had taken all of your afterlife to grasp.

Alastor understands something you cannot.

He has long since memorized the collective weight of a thousand souls. The way they all sigh at once, like waves in the ocean bellowing and sinking.

He is an Overlord of Hell. Someone destined to be greater than you. You’ve known this all along.

He’d always been involved in shady business, coming back to the tower stinking of new souls, meat and booze. You remember that he once boasted about his skills in gambling.

“Isn't it just luck?” You asked.

He laughed at your question, “It’s never just luck, dear. That is why you sell souls, and I own them!”

You resented him for those words, even if they were true. Reminders that your soul was sitting in the palm of his hand. That your entire life was that tiny, flickering flame he could blow out at any moment.

At the same time, you were strangely relieved. Alastor offered you more than just protection. He gave you a home, regardless of how boring, and gifted you whatever your heart desired so long as you were obedient.

And no matter how much he denies it and pretends it isn’t so, he’s also a friend. A companion. You have the nights you’ve spent awake talking to him until sunrise to prove it.

Perhaps that is why ugly guilt bubbles in your stomach when you see his bloody body and the first thought you have is:

Does this mean my soul is free?

You’ve smelled blood before. At some point, it became a comforting scent. The smell of Alastor—the scent of home. But you had only smelled the blood of others as it stained his clothes and skin. Never the demon’s.

His shady business was bound to catch up with him eventually.

Your first reaction is to panic. To turn his body over and scour his torso with your hands until you find where the bleeding starts.

“Alastor? Alastor!” You call his name over and over to no avail.

Again, the terrible thought crosses your mind: I should leave him to die. But then he groans in pain, and the thought vanishes just as quickly as it came.

To wish for him to die after all he’s done—you couldn’t stomach that. You would be no better than he who owns souls for his own amusement.

He had stumbled all the way home in the end. To you. There had to be a reason for that. For him to crawl back to you despite his animal instincts.

“I’ll fix you,” you promise with shaking conviction.

You piece him back together with your own two hands, however clumsily. You’ve never stitched together skin before—only sewn fabrics and crocheted yarn that Alastor brought home to keep you entertained.

It’s disturbing how easily your needle threads together flesh. How it writhes under your touch and how much blood really comes out of it.

Alastor bleeds red.

For some reason, you had always thought that he didn’t bleed at all. But he does. He bleeds the same colours as those that stain his face when he returns from long nights out. It smells the same, too—nauseatingly metallic and rotten.

You do your best to piece him together fully, clean the wound, and bandage him up despite his weak efforts to struggle and the bile that pushes up your throat.

“Stop moving!” You yell in frustration.

This is the last thing Alastor remembers from that night: your arms flung around him to stop him from squirming around; your pounding heart pressed against his while you carefully pin him down whilst trying to avoid disturbing his wound; your lips beside his ear as you chant—please, just go to sleep.

When he wakes in the morning, he’s delirious.

At first, he isn’t sure why he’s asleep on the sofa. Your sofa, as you’ve claimed. His head lolls to face the window to gauge the time of day.

Bright morning light sears his eyes and momentarily blinds him. Groaning, Alastor brings his hand up to cover his eyes. There’s a sudden white hot pain from that action that shocks his system awake.

He hisses, body involuntarily curling in on itself to ease the pain, but it only exacerbates it.

His hand changes route from shielding his eyes to feeling for the spot where it hurts the most. To his horror, he can feel bandages sloppily wrapped where his skin should be.

“The… Hell?” He mutters, trying to push himself onto his elbows to see his stomach better. But he freezes halfway up, propped back on his elbows when he finally catches sight of you.

You’re seated on the floor with your head in your arms, seemingly sound asleep by his side despite the ruckus he’s caused.

The demon slowly pieces the puzzle together, eyes drifting to the trail of blood smeared from the door to where you’re sitting. He assumes the sofa under him fares no better than his floor, and he groans in disgust.

He takes a minute to stare at the ceiling, trying to remember whatever else he can from last night. But the ache deep in his skin is too pressing to ignore, and eventually he returns to moaning and hissing in agony. Again, he turns his head to you.

You look peaceful this way. Drool pricks at the corner of your lips and as mundane as it is, Alastor can’t help but be a little endeared.

It’s strangely human. You are strangely human.

One hand falls atop your head and the other on his bandages as he watches you slumber. Perhaps it was in your human nature to help him, your terrible captor, when you could have just as easily left him for dead.

You look like an angel basking in the orange glow of the Underworld. His saviour. Beautiful and human.

Fondness boils in his stomach at the idea and he quickly retracts his touch, instead laying an arm over his eyes.

It’s too bright. He can’t think straight.

He considers counting this as an eye for an eye. Your life for his. It would only be fair to set you free now that you’re even.

Dread creeps up his spine at the thought of spending his days in lonely silence once more. You were originally meant to be nothing more but a companion for entertainment. But he was growing quite attached to you as pathetic as it was.

He had gotten used to your witty remarks and dry humour. The way you laugh before you tease him. How you sit on the floor and rest your chin on his thigh even though he’s told you before that his lap is available. And he finds your flustered and exasperated expression after his comments to be more amusing than death.

It would be a shame for it all to end, even if it were the right thing to do. He’s a demon, after all. Hell was for those who knew right from wrong and still became Sinners.

His silent reverie is interrupted by your shuffling. You groggily straighten up, blearily wiping the sleep from your eyes. It takes a minute for the realization to kick in, but when it does, you’re blinking at him in bewilderment.

You’re on top of him in seconds, clinging to his neck and wailing like a child. He hisses in pain, doing his best to sit upright for you and grimacing though his smile.

“You’re okay!” You exclaim, hugging him tighter and tighter.

“Darling—” He grunts, trying to shimmy away from you despite the warmth blooming in his chest. “My stitches!”

You scramble away from him, retreating as if he’d bitten you. Your back hits the other end of the sofa by the time he sits up. “I’m so sorry! I just…”

He watches as your face dims considerably. His heart drops to his stomach for a reason he can’t explain.

“I thought you were going to die,” you whisper. It’s followed by sniffles, and he can tell even without looking that you’ve broken out into tears.

“Come now, dear. Don’t cry. I’m very much alive, thanks to you.”

You nod, using your sleeves to pathetically wipe at your cheeks.

“I didn’t know what I was doing,” you quietly admit with an embarrassed laugh.

Alastor also can’t explain the relief that floods him at that moment. Relief that you’re smiling. That you’re still by his side. That he’s alive. That you saved him.

If he had died, would you have blamed yourself? Even if he hadn’t returned home, would you have waited by the door for him until your soul came back to you?

Would you be sad then, too?

It’s a strange feeling that rises in his throat. He’s never been so grateful to be alive before.

“But you did it,” he tells you. “See?”

You nod again. From the other end of the couch, he can see your shoulders relaxing. It settles him, too—calms his fraying nerves.

He understands, then, the spell you have cast over him in return. He would do anything to see that smile.

Trust is not his forte. Demons are not to be trusted.

However, he can’t help but think that you’d save him over and over again if you needed to. And at that moment, he swears you have a halo glowing atop your head.

An angel in a Sinner’s world.

𝑳𝑰𝑲𝑬 𝑨 𝑴𝑶𝑵𝑺𝑻𝑬𝑹, 𝑳𝑰𝑲𝑬 𝑨 𝑩𝑬𝑨𝑺𝑻

You wake up to the familiar stench of blood, as you do most mornings.

It isn’t what makes you jolt awake. Rather, it’s the other smell wafting through the air. Mixed with the iron sting is the soft smell of flowers and the deep earthiness of grass and soil. Stirring, you blink the blurriness out of your eyes and take in your surroundings.

Dewy grass pricks at your palms as you sit up. The outline of your body has flattened the moss down and packed it into the earth, downy shrubbery now crushed beneath you.

Alastor sips at his mug, lips nursing the rim as he watches you slowly wake over the top of his newspaper.

“Someone slept well,” he sings with a cheshire smile, ears flopping from one side to the other with the movement of his head. You blink at him from the ground, legs curled under you.

“Where are we?”

“My room, darling.”

You take another look around. A gentle breeze shakes the trees weeping with leaves and vines, tousling the branches so they appear to dance in the wind. You’ve learned never to be surprised when it comes to this demon. He’s a bottomless well of them, after all.

“It doesn’t look like a room,” you observe flatly. He only laughs, shaking his paper flat to continue skimming through the morning column. Dissatisfied by his lack of an answer, you press on

“Does your room come with air conditioning? It’s too humid.”

Alastor snorts. “I prefer it when my dinner marinades without complaint.”

“It’s been months and you have yet to eat me up for dinner,” you point out.

“Tonight will be the night,” he replies nonchalantly, as if it were just any other day. You can’t help but notice the slightest hesitation in his conviction. Like he hasn’t yet made up his mind.

Silence follows his statement and you can only stare at him in response. After he shows no signs of elaborating, you sink back down to the earth with a thud and a sigh. Watching the dark, eerie sky as clouds float by, you pipe up again.

“The sky’s dark. Isn’t it morning?”

“I prefer the night. Calming, isn’t it?”

Your nose scrunches up into a playful sneer. “The big, scary shadow man loves the dark. Who knew?”

“Sarcasm isn’t very cute on you, my dear.”

“Ha ha,” you deadpan. “I think I’m hilarious.”

The Radio Demon sets down his paper and peers at you from his seat at the garden table, chin propped on his knuckles. “Entertaining, yes. Hilarious? Not quite.”

“It’s apparently my last day alive,” you grumble, rolling over onto your side so your back is turned to him. “Let me have this.”

Your eyes drift shut as another breeze washes over you. The smell of grass and mossy waters—you never thought you’d have the chance to remember what this was like. What it’s like to be alive. How it feels to have grass between your toes and listen to the distant cries of insects and birds.

When you blink your eyes open again, you expect it all to vanish. To be back in Alastor’s radio tower, banished to your own little corner where he can watch you and entertain himself. To feel the rattle of the chain around your neck while he pulls you closer just to have a taste of your soft flesh.

But when you finally allow your surroundings to sink in again, you’re met with nothing but open night skies freckled with globs of stars. It feels free. You had forgotten what that felt like, too.

“I don’t enjoy it when my dinner feels sentimental, either,” he suddenly hums. You roll onto your back, head lolling to the side so you can glare at him. Slowly pushing yourself up, you haunch back on your palms with your legs outstretched toward the flowing water.

“I’m not sentimental,” you argue.

“Oh? Is that so?”

You scoff in lieu of a proper reply. On your hands and knees you drag yourself toward the luminescence hovering just above the water. You come so close that your hands sink deep into the mud of the riverbank, surely dirtying your clothes in the process.

Fireflies swirl in the air and make the surface of the water shimmer like the stars in the sky above you. You carefully collect a firefly between your muddy palms.

It flicks around in a panic, knocking against the tiny cage you’ve built with your hands until it finally settles down in defeat. You can’t help but feel a little sorry for it.

Trapped. Like you.

Alastor watches you curiously, your face dimly illuminated by the glow of the firefly. He’d usually prefer enjoying his swamp alone, but in a final act of mercy had decided to allow you in just this once. Perhaps he had made a mistake, however. There was a reason he killed swiftly.

He never did like getting attached to his food.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

The demon blinks at you. “Fireflies?”

You shake your head.

“Life.”

But it’s not alive, he wants to say. This is all just a grandiose daydream, after all. Soon enough you’ll offer yourself up to him and he’ll devour you without second thought. The dream will end and reality will come crashing down.

He’ll be alone again, the way a monster like him deserves to be.

He slowly rises from his seat and makes his way to your side. Sinking to his knees, mud cakes his pants and his coat. You look at him in confusion, hands unclasping to release the insect to the wild once more.

“Are you that impatient for dinner?” You ask jokingly, albeit with a shake of nervousness underneath.

The Radio Demon gathers your wrist and presses kisses along your pulse, stopping when he feels it racing beneath his lips. Gently, he sinks his teeth into your flesh just above your vein, enough to draw a taste of blood, before lapping at the spillage like nectar.

You suck in a sharp breath, perfectly still beside him. Your free hand comes up to cup his face carefully, causing him to release his bite. Thumb smearing mud along his cheekbone, you look at him in wonder.

It causes him to withdraw, recoiling from you as if you just burned him. The weight of your eyes is too heavy—like you know every part of him at just a glance. He loves being the center of attention, but with you it’s too much.

You always did look at him like he was beautiful. Like he was life itself.

He can see it in every inch of your expression—some kind of twisted longing. It awakens something burrowed deep in his stomach, primal and wanting.

For all these decades he had been utterly alone. And for once in his afterlife, he had felt what it was like to be wanted. To be worshipped.

Does it really have to end so selfishly?

He’ll let you frolic around in his daydreams a little longer—allow you to sip from the chalice and taste mortal life again. It would make your flesh all the sweeter when he finally digs in.

“You are strange,” he murmurs against your skin.

“And you bite too hard,” you complain.

He only licks at your wound apologetically.

𝑶𝑷𝑬𝑵. 𝑹𝑨𝑽𝑨𝑮𝑬. 𝑬𝑨𝑻.

The word devotion does not exist in Alastor’s dictionary. The fiery depths of Hell incinerated whatever meaning it held for him long ago.

Nothing is forever—that’s what his mother said to him with a quiver in her voice and trembling fingers captured in his. Her final words to him, not that he was all that sentimental about it anymore.

If you took a peek into Alastor's heart, you might expect to find some select choices of rye from the speakeasies he danced at in his youth. Or perhaps you would see the endless bog of contracts for every soul he owned, the names signed on them lost as if they were nothing more than grains of sugar in his coffee.

He does not know how to love.

To be honest, he can’t quite remember if he ever learned how to love in life. He remembers what it was like to have his head in his mothers lap after he quit his first job, sobbing pathetically while she hummed to him about how proud she still was. He remembers running his hands over the smooth wooden desk of his radio station in New Orleans, the feel of fresh lacquer under his fingers.

Love was not something foreign to him. He was surrounded by it—the way rye burned in his chest; the feeling of his mother’s hands in his hair; the smell of coffee and wood lacquer. And even in death, he was surrounded by love. By you.

The scent of your blood. The vulnerability of your skin and how easily he could pierce it with his claws. You were fragile and sweet, something strange in a place permanently stained with blood and reeking of death.

Before he had memorized the pattern of your snores, or the way you cradle his face when he bites you like an untamable beast, or the racing of your pulse beneath his lips, amusement was all he ever pursued. His next plaything, whatever would keep him entertained until they inevitably joined his broadcast.

But you had overwritten his heart too long ago to remember what that was even like. The thought of your voice screaming in the back of his show only makes his stomach turn until he feels like he is about to vomit.

The thought of losing you—his single treasure in the underworld—was more than he could bear. Amusement and a good meal were not worth your life.

Once, too many moons ago to count, you had promised yourself to him on a silver platter. In all that time you had kept him company, regardless of your sarcastic quips and your disinterest in his hobbies of killing for fun. You had become something worth cherishing. Worth protecting.

He hadn’t accounted for the fact that the only one he needed to protect you from the most was himself.

Here's what you would really see if you looked into Alastor's heart: you, with your jaw slack and eyes squeezed shut so tight that your brows are furrowed. Blood—lots of blood—spilling from your skin like liquid gold.

You, and those tears that he hates so fucking much. Don't cry, he would tell you, and you would listen to him because you adore him. Your flesh between his teeth as he sinks them deeper, plunging his fangs into your skin. A devouring so slow that it's agonizing, and finally your blissful little sigh.

He loves you so much that it aches, that it burns in his stomach. He's ashamed of it, of your effect on him—the spell he can't break.

No, that's wrong. He doesn't love you. At least, he doesn't think he does. Monsters do not love.

That's why you are being swallowed up whole, isn't it? Because he's a monster?

Your hands collect his face just as his mind starts to wander. You gaze at him so softly, so tenderly, as if he isn't all claws and teeth and blood soaked antlers. He wonders if you even realize what's in your arms.

"Alastor..."

His name is a whisper of a prayer on your lips—sweet and beautiful like you. If he could devour you like this he would, just to immortalize you. The iron stench of blood fills his nostrils as you cradle him.

Ah, he's gone too far.

Slowly, he laps up the blood trickling down your skin. A silent apology. And you forgive him—you always do. It's just in your nature to trust monsters. To trust him.

"I love you."

He realizes, then. He's no monster in your eyes. He's just the devil. A beautiful, charming demon who you signed your soul away to.

Alastor doesn't say it back, but he loves you. He's sure he does. He would love you into flame if he could.

☽

notes: this series was inspired by this post from like 2 months ago that i finally got around to!! shoutout to too sweet by hozier and morbid cannibalism poetry on pinterest for getting me through this

taglist: @the-lake-is-calling @dragons-and-dwarves-are-nice @averylonelysea @bri22222 @cxrsedwxrlds @amarokofficial @anae-naea-zacheria @for-hearthand-home @fantasy-is-best @angixyc @th3-st4r-gur1 @i-am-nonbinary-bean-deal-with-it @dilemmaiscool @concentratedconcrete @squiword7 @clarakainda @princekeerys @iicarused @lillylovesalastorsm1 @veroneverleft (send an ask to be added to the taglist!)

#forevermore — ☁︎#alastor x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin x reader #alastor fanfic #alastor fic #alastor headcanons #alastor x you #alastor fanfiction #alastor hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel alastor #hazbin hotel fanfiction #hazbin hotel fanfic #alastor hazbin x reader #faye's thoughts — ☁

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dee-writes-smut · 15 days

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Hopping, Hopeful Hounds (Eris Week Day Four)

FEATURING Eris Vanserra x Reader

SUMMARY Eris' peaceful proposal doesn't go as planned thanks to his excited pack of hounds

CONTENT WARNINGS just people getting tackled by dogs, the only pure fluff you'll ever see from me LMAO

AUTHORS NOTE happy day four @erisweekofficial!!! I'm early today, gotta give myself a pat on the back for that one. Any whoooo, today is tradition and hounds, hope you enjoy!

The crisp air of the Autumn Court was scented with the rich fragrance of falling leaves, the last hues of daylight casting everything in a golden-orange glow. You stood at the edge of the forest, arms wrapped around yourself as you watched the gentle sway of the trees, the ground beneath your feet blanketed in amber and russet leaves. It was peaceful, almost too quiet for a place so alive, but that peace settled into you, grounding you in the moment.

Eris had invited you here, to this quiet part of the Autumn woods, and while you didn’t know why, you didn’t question it. There was always something calming about the time you spent together, especially here, in the forests you both loved. His presence brought you comfort, a warmth that wrapped around you just as gently as the autumn breeze.

Footsteps crunched softly behind you, and you turned to see Eris approaching, his red hair glowing like fire in the golden light. There was something different about him today—a certain nervousness in his step, a glint in his amber eyes that had you tilting your head in curiosity.

He stopped a few feet away, giving you one of his crooked smiles. “You’ve always loved this place, haven’t you?”

“I have,” you said softly, letting your gaze drift around the forest again. “It feels like home in a way.”

Eris stepped closer, his hands sliding into his pockets as he watched you. “It’s always been that way for me too,” he murmured. “Especially with you here.”

You raised an eyebrow, sensing the weight behind his words but unsure what he was leading to. The gentle teasing he usually employed was absent, replaced by a sincerity that made your heart beat just a little faster.

“Eris—”

But before you could ask him what was going on, he took a deep breath and, to your shock, dropped down on one knee. Your breath hitched, your eyes widening as you realized what was happening.

“(Y/N),” he began, his voice warm and steady, “I’ve spent my whole life thinking I didn’t deserve happiness. That love was something other people could have, but not me. But then… then you came into my life, and everything changed.”

Your heart fluttered as you stared down at him, a million thoughts racing through your mind, but you were frozen in place, overwhelmed by the weight of the moment.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he continued, his eyes soft and filled with an emotion that took your breath away. “I love you, and I can’t imagine a future without you by my side.”

Just as he reached for something in his coat pocket—presumably a ring—you heard a sound that broke the solemn air. It was a deep bark, followed by the unmistakable rustle of paws against the forest floor. Your head whipped around just in time to see Eris’s hounds barreling toward him at full speed, their large bodies moving with all the grace of excited puppies.

“No, no, wait—!” Eris barely had time to shout before the first of the hounds tackled him, knocking him flat on his back with a loud thud. You gasped, your hands flying to your mouth as the rest of the hounds eagerly joined in, piling on top of him in a flurry of wagging tails, wet noses, and happy barks.

The sight was so absurdly comical that you couldn’t help it—you burst out laughing. Eris, his face somewhere beneath the mound of fur, let out a groan, though there was no real frustration in his voice.

“I was in the middle of something important, you little terrors,” he muttered, struggling to sit up as one of the hounds licked his face eagerly.

You couldn’t stop laughing, tears forming in your eyes as you knelt beside the pile of dogs, doing your best to help Eris untangle himself from his furry companions. The hounds, completely oblivious to the seriousness of the situation, only seemed more excited by your laughter, their tails wagging even harder.

After a few moments, Eris managed to sit up, his hair a mess and his expression somewhere between exasperation and amusement. “This wasn’t exactly how I pictured this going,” he said, a smile tugging at his lips despite the chaos.

You finally managed to stop laughing long enough to speak. “Maybe it’s better this way,” you teased, brushing a lock of his tousled hair out of his face.

His amber eyes softened as he looked up at you, still on one knee, even with the hounds clumsily nudging at him for attention. He held out the small box he’d somehow managed to keep safe during the ambush and opened it, revealing a simple yet elegant ring, sparkling in the fading light.

“Will you marry me?” he asked again, his voice quieter now, more vulnerable.

Your heart swelled as you gazed down at him, surrounded by the love he had for his hounds, the love he was offering to you. And in that moment, nothing felt more right.

“Yes,” you whispered, your voice thick with emotion. “Of course I will.”

As soon as the word “yes” left your lips, the smile on Eris's face was brilliant, almost blinding in the soft light of the Autumn Court. Before you had time to fully process the moment, he pulled you into his arms, still kneeling, wrapping you up in a warm, firm embrace. The hounds circled around, their excitement palpable as they barked and wagged their tails wildly.

You barely had a second to savor the feel of his arms around you before something heavy collided with your back.

Another hound—then two, then three—threw themselves against you, tackling you both in their joy. You let out a surprised yelp as you were sent tumbling forward, right on top of Eris. The two of you collapsed onto the forest floor in a tangle of limbs and fur, laughter bubbling up from deep within your chest.

Eris groaned dramatically beneath you, though you could see the laughter twinkling in his eyes as he lay beneath the weight of you and his boisterous hounds.

"Really? Now they go after you too?" he teased, his voice strained under the pile of dogs enthusiastically licking your faces.

You were laughing so hard you could hardly respond, your sides aching from both the impact and the hilarity of the moment. One particularly large hound licked your cheek, its tail wagging so hard that it nearly knocked over another one of its companions. The pile of fur and limbs wriggled with excitement, completely oblivious to the fact that they had just interrupted one of the most important moments of your life.

“I guess they wanted to make sure I wasn’t getting away after I said yes!” you managed to gasp between giggles, your face buried against Eris’s chest as the dogs continued their excited assault.

Eris chuckled, his arms wrapping around you tightly, pulling you closer despite the chaos. “You’re definitely not getting away now,” he said, his voice soft but full of warmth. “Not from me.”

One of the hounds let out a happy bark as if in agreement, and the rest of them seemed to settle down, content to simply be there in the moment with the two of you. You finally looked up at Eris, your face flushed from laughing so hard, and saw the way he was gazing at you—like you were his entire world, chaos and all.

With the hounds still playfully nuzzling into the two of you, Eris leaned up, brushing his lips against your forehead with a tenderness that made your heart swell.

“You’ve made me the happiest male alive,” he whispered, his voice barely audible over the sounds of the forest and the contented huffs of his hounds.

You smiled, resting your head against his chest as the weight of the hounds pressed down on both of you, the forest quieting around you as the last traces of sunlight filtered through the trees.

“I think I’m the luckiest,” you murmured, glancing around at the mess of dogs and leaves that now surrounded you both.

Eris let out a soft laugh, brushing a strand of hair from your face as he looked down at you. “Welcome to life with me and the pack,” he teased.

And as you lay there in the cool autumn breeze, tangled up in love, laughter, and fur, you knew you wouldn’t have it any other way.

ERIS WEEK TAGLIST

@littlest-w01f @mp-littlebit

#fanfic #x reader #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acourtofthornsandroses #acosf #fluff #eris imagine #eris vanserra #eris acotar #eris x reader #eris vandaddy #erisweek2024

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ervotica · 7 months

Note

Hi! Can you do one with Eris x rhysand daughter reader where they're mates, but in a secret relationship?? Maybe they're getting kinda hot on Eris's throne, but then Rhys & Feyre enter the room and they're discovered?

𝐦𝐲 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐝𝐨𝐦, 𝐦𝐲 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐞𝐧

pairing; high lord!eris vanserra x fem!reader

summary; being the high lord of the night court's daughter is feat unto itself. when combined with being the mate of the high lord of autumn, it becomes almost impossible to navigate. you've been keeping your mateship with eris under wraps for a year. on a visit to the autumn court, rhysand unwittingly walks in on the two of you, and all hell breaks loose.

warnings; smut themes (18+ only, as always), ANGST, rhys is very mean in this i'm sorry i made him the bad guy, family issues, eris is sexy and also the love of my life

word count; 2.2k

a/n; wow the daddy issues rly popped off w this one ngl. just to clarify, i really do love rhys with my whole entire heart but i had to villianise someone for the sake of the plot. so enjoy this mess.

The intensity with which Eris surveys you is searing.

Not a new development - of course - but no matter how many times those amber eyes rake the length of your body, the molten honey of them burning into a deep russet as his pupils engulf his irises, it sets your insides ablaze with need.

You're perched atop his throne, clad in a gown of deep red with slits that slip down to reveal your bare thighs as you cross one leg atop the other. You certainly look the part of the Autumn Court.

He wants to devour you whole.

Your thighs part just enough for him to catch a glimpse of the scant fabric that barely covers your dripping pussy, and you watch the way that his eyelids drop, gaze darkening to something primal as the scent of your arousal encases his senses.

"Sit back for me, fawn," he murmurs as he stalks up the steps that land at your feet. Your muscles seize in waiting as you suck your bottom lip into your mouth to suppress a coy smile. His palms slip beneath the silk of your dress, hiking the fabric further to reveal miles of bare skin that only he's privy to. You go soft like prey when thick fingers peel themselves from your skin to curl around your throat, a thumb pressing into the dip beneath your chin.

"Eris," you murmur. He coos, nipping at your earlobe.

"I know, my love. Needy little thing, aren't you."

Gods, you love it when he gets like this. The lust drives him mad–it's like he can't stop the dirty things that fall from his lips. Each word makes you wetter, has you squirming in your seat, begging for the sweet release you know he's bound to grant you– after he's had his way with you, of course.

His nose grazes at your cheekbone, breath hot against your prickling skin.

"Please," you whisper.

His grin is positively feline as his pointed canines protrude to scrape at the curve of your jaw. "All you had to do was ask."

And then his lips are slanting hungrily over your own, a palm curving around your waist to anchor your body to his own as he kisses the breath from your lungs. Your thighs part, granting him access to step between them and press himself flush to your chest; his fingers loop loosely around your wrist to guide your hand between his own legs. You gasp into his mouth and his tongue scrapes against the back of your teeth as you squeeze the hot, hard length of him, revelling in the way he ruts into your open palm. Your chest heaves as he growls lowly against your lips.

"This is what you do to me, fawn. I've wanted to rip this dress from your body and devour you since you stepped through the front doors."

You keen, head tipping back to bare your throat for him. Surrendering completely. Pleasure thrums through your veins when his lips trail down to latch against the soft skin you've exposed for him.

This male is your undoing.

His hand resumes creeping its way up your dress, the tip of his thumb pressing to your swollen clit through the damp fabric of your underwear. You moan softly, a sound that he swallows with his open mouth against yours and then chases, rubbing tight circles into the bundle of nerves until you're arching into his touch, lifting off of the throne to crush every inch of your body against his own.

His touch is dizzying, and you're so consumed by the feel of him against you that you almost don't hear the double doors to the throne room creak open. There's a bang as they fall shut behind the visitor, and it's loud enough to have you startling where you sit.

"I'm busy," Eris growls, his forehead still pressed to yours.

"This can't wait, I'm afraid," Rhys drawls. Your blood turns to ice in your veins, any and all arousal effectively dying as soon as your father's voice echoes against the stone walls.

"Oh, shit," you mumble. "We're going to actually die."

Eris pinches your chin between a thumb and forefinger affectionally, flooding the bond with as much warmth and encouragement as he can muster before his head turns, and you bury your face into the juncture of his neck in an effort to hide.

"If you'd be so kind as to escort the lady out, Eris." Rhys picks at the cuffs of his black jacket, brow quirking when neither of you make any effort to move.

"She's fine right here," he replies, clipped.

Your father's nose wrinkles in disdain as he strides for the steps, and your breath catches in your throat when he reaches the edge of the marble floor.

"What is this?" he asks, folding arms over his chest. "You really want your latest escapade present for this meeting?"

Eris' soft eyes harden, ablaze with a fury you've often seen but never been in the direct line of.

"You leave her out of this."

Rhys scoffs. "Don't tell me you've gone soft, High Lord." His tone is scathing, dripping with sarcastic venom.

Eris rises to the insult, shoulders squaring as he straightens to his full height. And it's then, and only then, that your father catches a glimpse of your stricken face, lips parted into a gasp as Eris stares him down.

You go still behind the High Lord of Autumn, pushing your body upright against the throne and willing yourself to simply sink into the chair and cease to exist. Of course, fate has never been in your favour.

"My daughter?" Rhys bellows. "You're fucking my daughter?" His voice bounces off of the stone that encases every inch of the room, and you wince as his violet eyes meet your own.

"It's not like that," you murmur; Eris is torn between focusing his attention on you or Rhys, even as you desperately try to soothe him through the bond as he did for you just minutes ago.

"What is it like then, baby?" Rhys condescends to you. "Don't tell me you love him, now." He spits the words with such hate that you're positive a slap would hurt less. "You are nothing to him, do you not understand that? He will use you and discard you and not think twice about it and I will be left to pick up the pieces because you are too fucking stupid to see that!"

You're sure that your heart ceases to beat when your father finishes speaking, becoming this cold, unmoving thing that weighs down your chest until you struggle for breath. Your father's chest heaves with a simmering rage that has always terrified you, and it makes your body coil tight with a silent sob; you continue to stare him down, eyes narrowed in an attempt to push the tears stinging your waterline back. Eris turns his back on Rhys then, surging forward to kiss the droplets away, smoothing the hair at the crown of your skull down.

"You are so cruel." is all you say.

"I'm telling you the truth," he spits. Your body snaps up at his words and you stand on shaking legs to plant yourself in front of Eris like a shield. The redhead settles his hands on your shoulders, his touch grounding as he directs his next words at Rhys, his voice like death incarnate.

"Apologise to my mate."

Your father blanches at the words, staggering back a step.

"Your what?"

"My mate," he repeats, voice quiet with the anger that coils tightly inside of him. The outrage at the way your own father deigns appropriate to speak to you. "Apologise to her. Now."

Rhys exhales, shuddering when he turns his gaze back to you.

"I expected better from you."

White-hot fire licks at your insides as you survey the disgust that curls your father's lip, the way his eyes flicker down to where Eris holds your emotions steady with his touch alone. You're overcome with the need to protect your mate, even if it means tearing your own flesh and blood apart with claws and teeth and poisoned words.

"You don't know the first fucking thing about him," you spit, willing your voice to stay steady. You won't give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry.

"So tell me, sweetheart." Rhys doubles down.

"Why do you do this?" you sigh, some of the tension in your muscles loosing when Eris steps forward another inch to press his chest to your back, no doubt delivering a deathly stare over your head. "Every time I find something that makes me happy, you ruin it. He makes me happy. Why can't you see that?"

"I never thought you'd be this naive. I'm ashamed to call you my daughter."

You stumble backwards, willing yourself to stay upright even as Eris' hand grasps you by the waist and anchors you to him. You breathe, in and out, forcing the acrid air into your lungs even as you want nothing more than to lay on the floor beneath you and sob. He might as well have hit you.

"You've always been ashamed to call me your daughter," you hiss through gritted teeth. "I've never been enough for you, no matter how hard I trained or how much work I threw myself into, I was always the disappointment. And now I find someone that loves me, that supports me and wants me to be happy, and you want to rip that away, too? It's not fair!"

"That's not true," he says, though his stance falters. The mask slips and it bares the fear that lies underneath the cold exterior.

"That's enough." Eris' voice cuts through the stark silence like a blade. "You will apologise or you will leave, Rhysand."

He murmurs crooning apologies against your ear when you turn to tuck yourself into him, tears hot and fast against your cheeks that flare with heat in the wake of your admission. You feel as though you've been stripped bare before him, every vulnerability dragged to the surface against your best efforts to bury them. Your head tips back, glossy eyes meeting his and finding nothing but unbridled adoration in his gaze. He accepts you, scars and all.

"It's okay, fawn," he whispers. "It's okay. I love you."

You nod fervently, lashes drooping with the weight of your tears when he cradles your cheek and presses a kiss between your brows. His face rises to your father once more.

"If you'd like to keep your alliance with this court, you'd do well to apologise." His voice is rough and rasping with your pain but still leaves no room for argument. "(Y/N) is my mate, and soon she will be my wife and High Lady of Autumn. And I will not tolerate you speaking to her in this manner."

You steel yourself to turn and wobble down the steps to stand face-to-face with your father. You gaze up at him through tear-soaked lashes and the sight pulls at something uncomfortable inside of him. It's how you've looked at him for two hundred years– the longing in your eyes for him to accept you, the unyielding need for him to be proud. He never bothered to decipher what it meant. It's all too clear now.

"I will be leaving Velaris," you tell him, scrunching your nose in the same way your mother does when she's upset. It nearly sends him reeling. "If you never want to see me again, that is your decision to make. But my loyalty lies with my mate."

His lips part and then close as though he wants to say something. You internally plead for it. Say something, you think. Anything.

"I'm sorry that I disappointed you," you continue on despite his silence. "Everything I ever did was to make you proud and it wasn't enough. But I'm done ripping myself apart for your approval."

He watches your lips downturn into a frown, the crease that works its way into your brow the one he's been pressing kisses to and smoothing over for your entire life.

It's as though a weight has been lifted from your shoulders as you pass the burden you've been carrying to him before you're striding back up those steps, more confident than he's ever seen you.

You walk into Eris' open arms and smile, your face resting comfortably in the hollow of his neck as you breathe him in.

You don't look back when Rhys walks out of the throne room, the heavy wooden doors thudding closed in his wake.

"I'm sorry, my love," Eris murmurs.

"I'm not." You tilt your head to watch him, bringing up a hand to trace the contours of his features. You drag lazy knuckles over the edge of his cheekbones. "I have you."

A smirk cracks your stoic features and he stifles an amused grin at the question he knows is coming.

"So, High Lady, huh?"

He rocks you in his arms, nuzzling his cheek against yours and marvelling at the way you so naturally fit together. His true mirror, his equal in every way. You preen happily at the contact.

"Anything for you."

"Anything?"

"Within reason, fawn," he chides. You roll your eyes playfully.

"I was merely going to suggest we should pick up where we left off, my dear." Your hand glides the length of his body, circling teasingly around his hardening cock before veering away. He grunts, head tipping forward to rest against your shoulder.

"How could I ever say no to that?"

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lizzieolseniskinda · 18 days

Text

LOGAN HOWLETT - all too well

x FEM!reader (POC!friendly)

REQUEST - MASTERLIST

SUMMARY: you & logan were a thing, but in the end it all fell down

WORD COUNT: 3462 (excl. song lyrics)

GENRE: angsty

CONTENT WARNING: english is not my first language, lowercase ahead, this is my third story soooo..., ik ppl say that the scarf is a metaphor, but here it's just a scarf <3

italics is a flashback <3

NOT PROOFREAD

listen to 'all too well' (five minute version) from taylor swift for better experience <3.

‘i walked through the door with you

the air was cold

but something about it felt like home somehow

and i, left my scarf there at your sister's house

and you've still got it in your drawer even now'

the autumn cold bit at my cheeks as i stepped out of the car. i looked at the mansion before me, the x-mansion. the winter cold bit at my cheeks when i got out of the car to take out my bags. i walked towards the tall doors where logan was standing. he took my bags as i walked through the doors. the old wood creaked slightly under our weight.

almost immediately i felt the warmth of the school. i took off my scarf with my gloves and jacket, it smelt like hot chocolate in here. reminding me of the times i used to spend christmas with my parents waiting on my chocolate milk my mom used to make.

professor x welcomed me with a charming smile. his school was spacious yet cozy, every nook and wall filled with complementing wooden furniture. i placed my bags by the stairs as charles led us into the living area. the room smelled even more of cinnamon and chocolate.

time flew by in that living room, sounds of loud laughter and chatting filled the whole massion. it was times like these i appreciated the most. students came wandering inside and outside, either sitting with us for a while or getting some snacks for their small gathering. charles told me that it wasn't always he let teens walk freely after curfew, but when it's the day before Christmas, who is he to say no to them?

i leaned my head against logan's shoulder, my stomach feeling content and full after consuming one too many sweets and chocolates. he placed a hand on my leg and asked if i wanted to go upstairs to rest , and i nodded in reply and we excused ourselves. teens were scattered around the hallways as the both of us walked towards my bags.

we reached the top of the staircase, and logan led me into his room. once we reached his room, we sat on his bed, and i opened my bag. i fished out my pajamas and turned around to change. after completely changing, logan appeared behind me, wrapping his arms around me and placing soft, gentle kisses on my shoulder.

'oh, your sweet disposition

and my wide-eyed gaze

we're singing in the car, getting lost upstate

autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place

and i can picture it after all these days'

the trees blurred by as logan sped down the twisting country roads, the wold a swirl of amber, gold, and russet tones. my window was down, letting the crisp autumn air rush in, my hair was in braids so that no small strands would fly in my face. logan was driving with one hand on the wheel, the other tapping along to the rhythm of the music. i wasn't even sure if he knew where we were headed; we'd veered off course miles back, but neither of us seemed to mind.

"do you even know where we are?" i asked with a grin, my voice raised over the music.

he glanced over at me, his eyes had a sparkle i hadn't seen in so long, but had become so used to. "not a clue, but does it really matter?" he replied with a light hearted laugh.

i shook my head, it didn't. nothing mattered in that moment except the rush of the open road and the way we were singing along to the songs. his hoarse but sweet, wild but calm voice carried the melody effortlessly, even when my voice faltered.

leaves were spiralling down in slow, soothing cascades, covering the road in a blanket of color.

we didn't talk much during that drive, just let the music carry us further, winding through the countryside as if we could do this forever and never run out of road or gas. i could still picture that moment now, after all this time - the way he hummed along, the way the leaves fell like pieces of a story we didn't fully understand yet. but thinking back, it didn't matter, it used to feel right.

'and i know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more

and i might be okay but I'm not fine at all'

it had been months since i had last seen him. people assure me that time heals, that i'll be okay eventually, and maybe i will be. every day is the same; i get up, go to work, laugh when expected, smile when someone asks about my well-being. but it's the quiet moments of silence that the reality intrudes, like a wave crashing down upon me.

the happy feeling that once filled this place - has vanished, vanished for a while now. yet, there are moments, brief fragments of days, when i can still feel it - like a phantom limb. i find myself searching for you in a crowded place, then the realization dawns on me - he's not here anymore. and there's a big chance he won't be coming back to me.

'cause there we are again on that little town street

you almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me

wind in my hair, i was there

i remember it all too well'

it was a late afternoon, and the sun hung low in the sky, casting everything in a tender, golden light. the small town we'd stumbled upon felt like a picture-perfect scene from a postcard - quiet streets lined with old brick buildings, trees bending overhead, their leaves tinged with the fading colors of autumn. we had been driving for hours, with no real destination in mind, again.

he was driving with one hand resting casually on the wheel. his gaze would flick between the road and me. every time his eyes met mine, a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, and i couldn't help but smile back, even though i tried act like i didn't notice. the windows were down, allowing the wind to dance through his hair.

the car slowed as we came up to a small intersection, the kind that didn't seem to need stoplights because the whole town was quiet - almost no cars to be seen. a red light was hanging above the street. it was as if his foot hesitated on the brake as his gaze lingered on me for just a second too long. i stretched out my arm towards his face, and redirected his gaze. the way he looked at me, almost took my breath away. the way he looked at me like there was no one else in the world, made me wonder what went wrong.

"you almost ran it, logan," i scolded him, half-laughing, as the car jolted to a stop just in time.

he chuckled lightheartedly in response, his voice carrying a sound that i cherished so much. "my bad, bub." his eyes twinkled in the red light.

i rolled my eyes, my heartbeat quickened, and i couldn't help the warmth that spread through me. the traffic signal changed to green, and he drove through the intersection. the town went by in slow motion, passing an old diner, a corner bookstore, and a nearby park where a few kids were running through the puddles and leaves, their laughter echoing slightly down the streets.

'photo album on the counter

your cheeks were turning red

you used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed

and your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team

you told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me'

a photo album was lying between us, logan was seated next to me in my classroom. i was trying to ignore how my past was so different from his, i had a better childhood than most of people here. logan's memories were scattered, and most of them too painful to keep.

logan let out a breath, "i don't have much to show from my past." his voice was low, there was a certain tension in the room, but not a negative one. "i don't have any pictures, or any family stories."

unconsciously, i started leaning in, he never liked to talk about his past. he kept it buried most of the time, but it felt different this time. his gaze flicked to the photo album for a moment, then back to me.

"i wasn't born as logan," he started, his jaw was clenching as he closed his mouth. "my real name was james howlett, back in the 1800s," he explained. i tried not to gasp, my boyfriend was almost 200 years old. "i grew up in canada, in a rich family. my father wasn't really my father, though," his voice dropped a bit. "i was just a kid when it happened. my actual father showed up, and it got violent, i killed him," he looked at me. "i didn't mean to, but after all that happened, i didn't know what to do. i was so lost."

"i've fought wars, and then i ended up in an experiment from the government. they took away what little i had left, wiped my memories, turned me into a weapon. i was barely human." he clenched his fists, knuckles whitening. "i spent years to figure it out, but never got anywhere close."

logan looked up, his eyes meeting with mine. "i didn't think i had a future, not until you. i don't know if i can ever escape what i was,' logan whispered hoarsely. "but when i think of the future, it's not as dark as it used to be, not when you're in it."

i swallowed hard, the weight of what he was saying pressed down on me. he wasn't talking about the past anymore - he was offering a piece of himself, a fragile piece.

'and i know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do

and i forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to'

the mansion was buzzing with students talking and wandering around. i stood outside jean's classroom, watching through the gap of the door as he spoke with her. jean. the way he softened his voice when he talked to her, the way he stood just a little bit closer, like he was pulled towards her without even realizing it.

he used to look at me like that.

but it felt as if he was miles away, even though i was only a few steps from him. by now i should've gotten used to it, the way he kept slipping through my fingers, always just out of reach. but everytime it hit harder, that feeling of being so close and yet so far.

i knew that when i was with him, it was something real. we had something real. the late night talkes, our laughter echoing the hallways of the mansion. the way he used to look at me, with that glimmer in his eyes that made me believe we were something bigger. but then he got to know everyone better, and so she came along. jean, with her fiery red hair and pretty face, and suddenly, i wasn't enough for him.

'cause there we are again in the middle of the night

we're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light

down the stairs, i was there

i remember it all too well, yeah'

it was quite late - well past midnight - the mansion was quiet. the only light came from the soft, yellow glow of the refrigerator door we'd left open, casting shadows that extended across the kitchen floor and island. i couldn't remember what had brought us down there in the first place. perhaps it was his restless energy, or maybe it was mine. we found ourselves standing in the refrigerator light, laughing over some long-forgotten jest, our bare feet resting against the cool tiles.

he was leaning against the counter, arm crossed, a crooked smile on his face, gracing his features. it was a rare thing, that smile - so much gentler than the stern and hardened expression he typically wore in public.

out of the blue, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him, catching me off guard. i smiled softly, stumbling slightly into his chest as he started to spin me around. "what are you doing?" i asked, words bubbling out with a grin i couldn't keep off my face.

"dancin'," he smirked, his voice low and gravelly, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

we swayed in the soft light, the gentle hum of the refrigerator the only sound in the room. our feet were moving in perfect sync with each other, our footsteps barely audible against the smooth surface of the kitchen floor. the world outside didn't matter in moments like these, it was just us, lost in something that felt so small yet so infinite at the same time.

'and maybe we got lost in translation

maybe i asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up

Running scared, I was there

I remember it all too well'

the moonlight streamed through the large windows in the hallway, casting long, eerie shadows that danced menacingly across the floor. the tension between logan and i had been building up for weeks, months even.

after what felt like an eternity, he finally walked in. his face was hard, guarded, a familiar look he always wore when he didn't want to deal with something. i could feel anger rising in my chest, yet underneath it all, there was another feeling, raw and painful.

"what's going on between you and jean?" my voice sharper than i meant it to be. he stopped in his tracks, eyebrows knitting together. "what're you talkin' about?" he said, his tone flat, evasive.

i sighed and pinched my nose, "you know what i'm talking about logan." he shook his head, denying everything i was saying.

"i see the way you look at her. like she's the only person in the room, the world even."

his fists clenched at his side, but he stayed silent. that only made it worse, made the hurt cut deeper. i could feel the tears threatening to fall down any minute, but i swallowed them down, refusing to show how much it hurt.

"maybe it was stupid to think we could ever be something more, that we might've had a chance. but, logan, whatever we had - it was real, good," my voice wavered. "you ruined it."

logan's eyes flicked to the floor, his jaw tight. "i didn't mean for it to happen like this, it's just you and me, remember?" he muttered, his voice was low, as if he was struggling to find the right words. "jean...she.. it's complicated, i didn't-"

"didn't what?" i interrupted, stepping closer towards him. "didn't mean to get lost in her? didn't mean to make me feel like i was never enough? ignoring me, the moment she stepped in the room?" i scoffed.

"i was there for you. i was there when you told me everything, when you let me in, and now you're throwing it all away for someone who doesn't even see you the way i do. she's with scott, logan!"

his eyes finally met mine, and for a split second, i though i saw something - a hint of regret, of the man i knew. but then his walls came back up, and he stepped away, creating a distance once again.

"i didn't tear it apart!" he growled, frustration simmering beneath his words. "it's not that simple."

"but it is," i whispered, my voice barely audible now. "it was simple, logan. you just don't want to see it."

once again, we stood there, inches apart but worlds away from each other. silence becoming suffocating, with all the thing that were said and unsaid, all the pieces of us that had shattered somewhere along the way. i wanted to reach out, but i couldn't, he was already gone.

'and you call me up again just to break me like a promise

so casually cruel in the name of being honest

i'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here

'cause i remember it all, all, all

too well'

it was cold and raining when i heard the phone ring - of course it was. the kind of rain that soaked through your clothes and settled deep into your skin. i sat on the edge of my couch, staring at the phone that hung on my wall, ringing. my stomach twisted in a familiar, painful knot. i knew that answering the phone would only hurt me even more, but i became so addicted to his voice, i couldn't stay away.

"logan," i said, keeping my voice firm and steady.

there was a pause on logan's end, i could hear his breath, heavy and uneven. my heart pounded in my chest, a small flicker of hope sparking against my better judgement.

“I wanted to talk,” logan said, his voice rough, strained. “About everything.” i let out a breath i was holding, letting his words sink in and physically melt from the sound of his voice.

my spine straightened, and that flicker of hope i'd been foolish enough to feel quickly died. a rustling sound came through from the other end. scott's voice came through the line, clear and hard.

"you need to stay away from jean," scott said without preamble, his tony cold. i shook my head, i did not need to hear this. this just made me question the fact that logan was still spending time with jean even more.

"she's not yours to run to whenever you feel like messing with someone's head, you've done enough damage."

i sighed, gripping the telephone tighter. i could hear logan protesting, but scott barely gave him a chance to talk. "and while you're at it, stay away from her too." scott's words hit like a slap to logan's face. "wh-"

"you know exactly who i'm talking about. you keep calling her, stringing her along whenever you can't figure out what you want, and i'm done watching from the sidelines. you don't get to hurt her anymore. so if you know what's good for you, you'll leave her alone," scott's voice was scarily calm.

i swallowed hard, i felt like i shouldn't be listening to this. scott's voice dropped lower, "and if you ever cared about her - about either of them - you won't call her again. don't show up. don't send a message. just let her be, logan." there was a long pause, and for a moment, i thought he'd hung up. "because if you keep calling her just to break her all over again, i'll make sure you never get the chance to do it again." i was surprised scott would talk for me like that. i never was really close with him.

"give me the phone, logan," and the line went dead.

i stood there, phone in my hand, i wanted to scream, cry, throw something, maybe even throw up. but i didn't, i just hung up the phone again and walked away.

'time won't fly, it's like i'm paralyzed by it,

i'd like to be my old self again.

but I'm still trying to find it.

after plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own.

now you mail back my things and i walk home alone,

but you keep my old scarf from that very first week.

'cause it reminds you of innocence,

and it smells like me.

you can't get rid of it,

'cause you remember it all too well, yeah'

it was a week that seemed to stretch on forever, time moving as slow as it could. i stood in my small home, staring at the box storm brought me that came from logan. it sat on the kitchen table. i already knew the contents of the box, my things, probably stuff i gave logan as well that he wouldn't want to keep anymore.

i opened the box, a couple of shirts, an old book i'd left in his room, little reminders of the nights we'd spend together. at the bottom of the box i found the scarf i'd wore when i first came to the mansion.

i held it up close, the soft fabric taking me back to that one autumn two years ago. back when it felt like we had all the time in the world.

but time made it so hard to forget. i'd tried so hard to go back to the person i used to be, before i met him - to the person who didn't get so wrapped up in boys.

'cause there we are again when i loved you so,

back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known.

it was rare, i was there, i remember it all too well.'

i remember it was a lazy summer afternoon when the air was thick with warmth and the world felt content. we were lying on the grass near the lake behind the mansion, the sun casted a golden light.

logan has his arms crossed behind his head, staring up at the sky, while i laid next to him, tracing invisible shapes in the clouds with my mind. i turned my head towards him.

"so, what do you want to do this summer?" i said with a small smile, my fingers playing with the blanket we put down on the grass. "what would you do if we could just... take off for a bit?"

logan tilted his head towards me, "summer?" he chuckled softly. "i don't really think that far ahead."

i nudged him with my elbow, "come on, logan. dream a little, where would you go?"

he sighed, glancing at the sky. "somewhere quiet," he said after a moment. "someplace where there's nothing but trees and mountains. no noise, no people."

i nodded in agreement. "i could get behind that idea, we could find a cabin somewhere, spend our days walking around or sitting by a fire at night."

"yeah," he mumbled. "maybe get off the grid for a while, forget about everything. i watched him, feeling the what the words settled between us like a promise.

“Yeah,” you agreed, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of your lips. “Maybe get off the grid for a while. Forget about everything.”

"i've never done that before," he said. "let myself think about things like that."

i looked over at him, "what do you mean?"

"something good," he replied, his gaze still fixed on the sky. "something that doesn't end in loss or running."

"you don't have to run anymore, logan," i said softly. "we could make those plans real. it would be just you and me."

he didn't respond right away, but i could see how his jaw clenched slightly. "it's just you and me," logan nodded.

i laid back down, my head resting against the grass. i closed my eyes, the warmth of the setting sun on my face.

'wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all.

down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all.

it was rare, i was there, i remember it all too well.'

232 notes · View notes

lalacliffthorne · 9 months

Text

🪽 ... then we go down together. 🪽

Azriel x Reader

part I part II

summary: confessions, more of those damn arrows. and a masquerade ball.

notes: I am so sorry. this damn thing just kept getting longer and longer; I think I stopped looking at the word count somewhere after 14k, but splitting it again wasn't really an option, so... sorry? *winces* it just had to fit everything!! we've got more smut, more drama, more Azriel - because honestly, he needs his own warning at this point - and that just required an unholy amount of words. so make yourself a cuppa, cozy up comfortably, and binge this ridiculously long second part.

______________________________________________________________

Wind howled around the cabin, the woods outside pitch black, visible through the cracks in the shutters as I stared at Azriel's face.

He'd pulled me into his body sometime in the last hour, still half asleep, his hand sliding in between my legs and dragging me through the sheets, hauling my bare leg over his hip before slipping his arms around waist and pulling me close until my bare body was completely pressed against his – stomach against stomach, thigh against thigh, chest against chest.

Something hitched and dipped under my ribs, and trying to swallow against the quick flutter, I let my gaze trail over Azriel's face. I could feel the bandages wrapped around his ribs pressing against my bare skin. I had changed them some time ago, reapplying the paste onto the stitched wound that already didn't look as sickly anymore, while Azriel had trailed slow kisses over my neck, his hands lazily roaming my sides, making focusing nearly impossible.

Now, his eyes were piercing mine, a little tired but watchful and steady as always. I was so close I could see the golden specks swimming in the clear amber of his iris, could see the pale freckles on the bridge of his nose. His gaze slowly dragged over my face, and I almost shivered under the intensity of it.

Somehow, Azriel had always been the only one who's stare could do this to me. Cause my skin to tingle just with the way his eyes pierced mine, deep, unreadable, swallowing me whole in their depths.

I tried not to think about that too much.

Azriel's fingers slowly ghosted over my back, following my spine, his rough skin causing my heart to hitch and breath to tremble, and his iris shifted, becoming a shade deeper, that blazing fire flaring to life as his eyes tracked over my face.

My heart toppled, and I blinked. Then I mumbled: “You know what I've been wondering?”

Azriel's eyes dragged over mine, silent, waiting.

I stared at him, slowly frowning softly.

"Since you're basically half bat, could you sleep upside down?”

Azriel blinked. Then his eyes narrowed, and I felt my lips curve upwards until I was grinning widely.

“There are beams up there. If you weren't patched up in six different places, I'd say give it a tr-“

I broke off with a soft squeal when Azriel rolled me around in one smooth movement and dragged my back into his chest; his arm locked around my waist, pinning me against his chest as his tall body curved around mine, and snorted giggles started breaking from my throat when his fingers dug into my ribs. I squirmed, my heart soaring from laughter, and Azriel nipped at my jaw.

“Watch it,”, he mumbled against my skin, and my heart dipped over at the sound of his deep, smooth voice.

“Or what?” I twisted my neck to grin at him, cheekily, challenging, but my breath got stuck in my throat when my eyes met Azriel's.

Slowly, a lazy twinkle spread through his iris.

My lips parted with a sharp inhale when he dropped his head and dragged his lips over my neck. Then he pressed a slow, lazy kiss against the underside of my jaw, and a soft shudder travelled through my body.

Azriel gave a rough sound deep in his chest, and one of his hands slid up and wrapped gently over my throat to hold me still as his nose dragged over my skin.

Something twisted and tightened in my stomach, a hoarse whimper built in my chest, and my head fell to the side when Azriel started pressing hard, hungry kisses onto my neck, his teeth dragging over my skin and nipping just firmly enough for my breath to shake.

My eyes rolled back as my lids fluttered, and I squirmed in his hold, something beginning to twist harshly in my lower stomach when Azriel dragged me closer into his body. Then his hands slid down and closed over my breasts.

A broken moan fell from my lips, and my back arched as Azriel's scarred skin brushed over my nipples, causing them to tighten. A soft rumble built in the shadowsinger´s chest, and he kissed my neck harder as his hands began to palm and tug at my breasts, causing my head to fall back and something twisting and tightening in my lower stomach as I whimpered.

My hips pushed back as I arched into Azriel's touch, my ass brushed against him, and something hot washed over my insides when I felt his hard cock press up against me.

Azriel growled deeply against my neck, his teeth nipping at my skin as his fingers pinched my right nipple, and my eyes rolled back at the sharp twinge of pleasure that shot right down to where I could feel wetness begin to pool between my legs.

Az lightly bit down onto my neck before kissing the spot lazily, his tongue dragging over my skin as his right hand slipped off my breast and slowly slid down over my stomach.

I whimpered softly when his rough skin skimmed over my hip bone, my back arched, and Azriel's nose brushed over my jaw as his hand slipped into my panties. I caught a glimpse at his face from the corner of my eye, iris blazing, gaze fixed onto my face and lips parted, and something tightened harshly in my stomach. Then rough fingers brushed over my clit, and my spine melted as my head fell back and Azriel groaned hoarsely into my skin as his thumb slid over the swollen nub.

Pleasure zipped through me, twisting my insides as I moaned thickly. My body writhed in Azriel's grip, trying to escape and move closer to the waves rolling through my body at the same time, and the shadowsinger gripped me tighter as his fingers slid through my folds, beginning to lazily circle my clit. I whimpered as his other hand palmed my chest and his nose dragged over my jaw, his uneven breath hitting my skin.

Azriel gave a deep, rough sound, and the pad of one of his fingers slid over my entrance.

My hips bucked, and my eyes rolled back into my head when Azriel slowly slipped one finger into me.

Azriel's arm tightened around me, pinning me into his chest as his gaze burned into the side of my face. Then he slowly curled his finger, his palm dragging over my clit, and my body shuddered.

My hand flew up to bury in Azriel's hair as my head fell back, to hold onto something, anchor me down, because I felt like I was slipping away. Azriel groaned against my neck, his teeth catching onto the shell of my ear, and my back arched as a whimper broke from my throat when his nose traced over my skin. Then he started to slowly pump his finger.

My body twisted in his grip. My hand curled into his hair as a whimper broke from my throat and my mind swam with pleasure, and Azriel nuzzled his nose against my jaw, causing my hips to twitch and roll down as my insides fluttered. Then he eased in another finger.

A broken moan slid from my lips as I felt myself pulse, and Azriel growled, the sound rumbling through me. His fingers curled inside of me, hitting some spot, and my back arched as my lips parted soundlessly.

Heat rushed through me, washing over my limbs as slowly, a tightness built in my stomach, causing my insides to clench and tighten around Azriel's fingers as little by little, they picked up their pace, the heel of his palm pressing into my clit and causing my insides to twist.

My hips bucked down into his hand as Azriel's lips dragged over my neck, and he softly bit my jaw, like a soundless encouragement, his forearm wrestling my legs apart as his fingers pumped inside of me. I threw my head back, my chest aching as I felt the knot in my stomach grow tighter. My free hand dug into the pillow, clutched the sheets as I felt my lips part.

“Shit, I –“

The tightness pulsed without warning. Then it shattered.

My body arched, became boneless, bloomed into something shuddering and shaking as waves of white hot scalding pleasure rolled over me, and I trembled, shaking moans breaking from my throat as Azriel's hand rode me through the high, until my whole body spasmed and shuddering jolts of pleasure made me throw back my head.

Azriel slowly curled his fingers inside of me until I fell limp, breathing heavily. A whimper left me when he slid them out of me, his scarred skin brushing over my clit causing me to jerk.

Something was pulsing in my lower stomach, wetness pooling between my legs as I exhaled with a tremble and turned my head, something rising my chest when my nose brushed against Azriel's and I met his eyes, blazing with heat, glued to my face.

A deep sound broke from his chest, and Azriel leaned forward and crashed his lips onto mine.

I twisted to face him, my fingers sliding into his hair, and Azriel's grip around my waist tightened when I pulled him down and kissed him back feverishly, tongues exploring lazily as his hand slipped under my thigh and dragged it over his waist.

My breath caught in my throat as I felt his hard cock nudge against my panties, and Azriel groaned softly into my mouth, his arm wrapping over my thigh and ass as he started to slowly grind against me. I moaned as I felt myself flutter around nothing, heat pooling between my legs as I dug my fingers into his hair and rolled my hips to meet his, seeking for some sort of friction against the throb between my legs. Azriel licked over my tongue, nipping at my bottom lip before dropping his head and burying his face against my neck. His hot, heavy breath hit my skin as he kissed harshly down my throat, teeth grazing my skin, and my head fell back.

I tried to shift my hips down further, feeling frustration twist in my stomach, pulling tautly, and Azriel's fingers slid under my panties, pulling them to the side. His thumb brushed over my clit, my hips jerked and insides tightened, and Azriel groaned softly against my neck.

“Fuck.”

His deep, hoarse voice rumbled through me, and my stomach dipped over, hips rolling down desperately as he softly nipped my collarbone, body still lazily grinding up against me.

His thumb slid down through my folds like he was planning on letting go, and with a desperate whimper, I pushed my hips foward.

Azriel's cock slid up through my folds and over my clit, and my body shuddered.

Az grunted, the sound strangled as his hands dug into the flesh of my thigh, dragging it up higher. Then he rolled his hips, and my head fell back slightly when the head of his cock caught my clit.

Azriel groaned, fingers tearing at my panties, dragging them down my legs, spreading my thighs further and pushing closer as he breathed heavily against my neck. But the angle was not quite working, our bodies too close and yet not quite enough, hips grinding desperately, breathy moans and groans vibrating over my skin –

The shadowsinger growled in frustration, my hips shuddered, and I slid forward and pushed my leg over his side until Azriel rolled onto his back and pulled me with him.

A whimper caught in my throat and my eyes rolled back when Azriel's cock slid up through my folds. My hips bucked back as my knees settled next to his hips, and Azriel's hands pressed against my thighs, his head thrown back into the pillows.

My heart stumbled drunkenly as my eyes dragged over the curve of his throat, littered with bruises, dark hair tousled and sweaty, swollen lips parted and the gold of his iris barely visible through his heavily lidded eyes; and my hips stuttered and rolled down on their own accord.

My spine melted to liquid and my lips parted as I felt the head of Azriel's hard cock notch against my clit. A soft, strangled sound built in my throat, my legs shook, and I whimpered, shifting and rolling my hips.

Azriel groaned, the sound strangled and hoarse, his grip growing tighter, trying to pull me down as he threw his head back.

Sitting up slightly and pressing my hands onto his chest, I bit back a whimper as his cock slid through my folds again, the head nudging against my clit. I inhaled softly and sharply, my eyes fluttering as I stared at Azriel. His jaw was shifting, working as he gazed at me through hazy eyes, his fingers digging into my flesh so tightly, it would bruise.

I shifted my hips, then, slowly, I started moving, riding his cock sliding through my folds.

Azriel's heated gaze was fixed onto me, every muscle in his neck visible with strain, his chest solid with tension under my hands, so hard beneath me. I could feel his hips shifting, beginning to roll up to meet me, and a whimper built in my throat, my legs trembling when the head of his cock nudged against my clit, sending sharp jolts of pleasure through my body and making me throw my head back. A broken moan left me, and Azriel's eyes flashed.

My body slid back when he pushed himself up, his wings flaring, and my arms slid over his shoulders, my eyes rolling back when the angle shifted, his cock pushing against my clit and causing my insides to twitch as Azriel's lips crashed onto mine.

My heart swerved and soared, and Azriel dragged me closer, his hips rolling up into mine as his tongue twisted with mine, fingers digging into my waist, helping me sink up and down. My fingers dug into Azriel's hair and I kissed back, breathless, feverish, soft whimpers leaving me as my insides twisted and coiled, the friction tantalizing, not quite enough yet leaving my body twitching and writhing, too little yet too much at the same time, something building in my stomach, tighter, more fragile.

Azriel's fingers curled into my hair, pulling my head back, his lips dragged over my throat before he kissed my neck, deep, feverish; his arm tightened and pulled me down harder, and his voice reached me through the haze of pleasure, deep, low, vibrating through me in a hoarse order.

“Come for me.”

My insides twisted and shattered, and I arched into him, my muscles locking as my vision whitened and my body shuddered, became weightless, stars and matter and pleasure twisting through me until it was the only thing in existence.

I woke with a familiar scent filling my lungs.

My muddled senses needed a moment to catch up, understand why it felt like the warm, solid surface I was draped over was moving; rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm. Then something in my chest dipped over.

I was sprawled over a warm body. My hands clinging to wide shoulders, face buried in the crook of a neck – and an arm wound around my waist, keeping me from sliding away to the side, holding me, just tightly enough.

My heart dipped and swerved, and I hesitated. Then I carefully raised my head, and my breath got caught in my throat.

Azriel's eyes were closed. He looked strange like this – unscowling, completely relaxed, off guard. No deep crease between his brows, jaw relaxed, lips parted slightly as he breathed steadily. He still looked a little sallow, but color was slowly returning to his cheeks. I could feel the calm rise and fall of his chest, moving my own as my gaze dragged over his dark lashes fanned against his skin.

I blinked, my heart skipped into my throat, and I carefully pulled my arms off his shoulders to slide off him, but Azriel's grip around my waist tightened, and a soft growl rumbled through his chest.

My gaze darted up, and my heart rose again when his eyes opened, the golden flecks in his tired iris melting together as Azriel glared at me.

Don't you dare move, his eyes seemed to say, and my breath hitched.

Barely suppressing the urge to swallow, I stared at him, my heart skipping high, and Azriel stared back, tired but steady, watchful. His eyes dragged over my face, and something twisted in my chest.

Even with tangled, messy hair and dark bags under his eyes, he was beautiful. So much so, it caused something to ache under my ribs.

Swallowing softly, I carefully rested my chin back on his chest and traced the pale shadow of freckles scattered over his nose with my eyes. Azriel's fingers started to slowly brush up and down my side. His touch was featherlight, causing waves of shivers to travel through my body as his eyes pierced my face, some of that flaring heat returning to his iris, and something pulsed in my chest. Warm, all-consuming; a rising feeling that seemed to seep into my whole body the longer I stared back at him, that raged and flared. And suddenly, something dipped over in my chest.

My breath hitched, and my heart dropped.

Oh.

I blinked, then I quickly turned my eyes away.

Suddenly, something was tightening around my throat.

Barely suppressing the urge to swallow, I pried myself out of Azriel's arm, its weight suddenly suffocating. Wrapping myself into a fur, I slid off the mattress, barely noticing the coolness of the floorboards under my bare feet.

Dread crashed over me like a tidal wave.

Shit.

I could feel Azriel's gaze on me, could see it sharpening from the corner of my eye as he straightened slowly, watching me silently. But I pretended not to notice, instead curling up tighter in the furs and shivering as I moved towards the fireplace where the last remaining embers were glowing gently. My eyes got caught at one of the windows, and something dipped in my chest.

Through the cracks in the shutters, I could see the first pale streaks of daylight. And suddenly, I realised how quiet it was. No rattling, no howling of wind.

In the soft blue light, the thick falling snow had turned into soft flocks, silently sailing to the ground. When I closed my fingers around my leathers, they were dry.

The storm was over.

“Our clothes are dry.” My voice sounded strange to my own ears, unbothered and vibrating with the lightest hint of a cheeky smirk that found its way onto my face without me prompting it as I looked over my shoulder and raised a brow. “Looks like we're getting out of here. Thank the Gods; no more cuddling.” The last part, I mumbled as I turned back ahead, barely suppressing the urge to swallow as tightness grew in my chest.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Azriel stare at me, and his eyes narrowed slowly. Then his voice vibrated through the cabin, deep, steady, matter-of-fact.

“You're scared.”

I stilled, and my heart dropped and fell. Then I turned to stare at him.

“What?”

Azriel rose to his feet, and I tried not to let my gaze dip, tried not to notice the way his muscles worked, his shoulders tense as his eyes pierced mine.

“You're scared.”

Something turned over in my chest.

Gods, how I hated him.

Hated how he could so easily read me when his face never gave away anything.

I tried to fight the pressure closing around my throat, that squeezing feeling under my ribs as I stared at him. Then I did the only thing I knew how to do, the only thing that would make him stop looking at me like he did now and me forget what it was like when he stared at me like I might be beginning and end to everything.

Attack.

“I'm not scared.” I straightened, feeling my heart pound as I narrowed my eyes. “What is your problem? Because you clearly seem to have one. Specifically with me. What is it?” I raised my brows mockingly. “That I don't give a shit about control? That I can't just decide with my head, that I'm not all rational and controlled like you?”

Azriel's eyes flared.

“You have no idea what you're talking about.” His voice rumbled through the ground, so low and deep, it sent shivers down my spine. But I was too far gone.

Again, anger was flaring in my chest, raging, familiar – and finally something I could handle.

“It must be really fucking hard to always push everything down. Come on.” I glared at Azriel, feeling my lips curve into a bitter, challenging grin as I opened my arms lightly. “Get it all out! No one's here but me, and you seem to think I'm too emotional anyway, so you can't shock me! Hit me, shadowboy.”

Azriel was staring at me, his eyes blazing with fire, darkness swirling.

“What's getting the mighty shadowsinger into a twist, what's fucking with your head? Go on, enlighten me.” My breath was uneven as I balled my hands into fists, but Azriel just stared at me, completely silent.

Something twisted in my chest, and I screamed: “What's your fucking problem?!”

“That I cannot think straight with you around!!”

Azriel's thundering voice shook the cabin, and my breath caught in my throat.

My heart dropped. Then it stilled.

“What do you think why you're so fucking irritating to me?” Azriel's flaring eyes narrowed in on me as he stalked forward.

“You're under my skin, always. And I just can't seem to get you out. No matter what I do, you invade every fiber of my being, with nothing but a look or a touch or just your fucking presence in the room.” His iris was blazing. “You make me loose focus, you make thinking slow and impossible, and that's dangerous. Because I can't be distracted, because distraction means missing things, it means death. It nearly fucking killed the both of us! And yet, all I can do is find ways to focus on both you and everything else, because just the thought of not having you around makes me loose my fucking mind.”

His jaw tightened, causing the muscles in his cheek to shift as he pinned me to the spot with burning eyes.

“You are a weak spot in walls that I spent centuries building, and I'm still drawn to you like a moth to a fucking flame, because just thinking about staying away from you makes me ache. Because being near you makes everything finally make sense.”

Suddenly, breathing felt impossible.

My voice shook as I tried to latch onto something, anything. “Then why are you still always so fucking irritating -”

“Because you are stubborn and reckless,”, Azriel prowled towards me, his eyes flaring, “and you give me a heartattack every time you decide to tempt fate with that godsdamned smile!” He stopped himself short, jaw clenched and hands tightening into fists as he stared at me, gaze blazing. “Because you annoy the shit out of me, always challenging me. Make me jealous, because you see the good in people where I can only see the bad, because you have that godsdamned beautiful mind that twists everything into a plan, because you can bring people to their knees with just a grin.” His eyes flared. “Because it drives me mad how you look at me and how I seem to lose any ounce of control over myself whenever you're near. Because every time you grin at me, I need every wall I ever built to keep myself from pulling you in to to kiss you and fuck you until I'm the only one you´ll ever look at like that.”

I stared at him, feeling my heart flutter against my ribs like a caged bird while my breath hitched in my throat and my whole body tingled.

Azriel's jaw worked, his eyes burning amber as they pierced mine.

“You are my problem. Because you´re all I can think of, always. And I can't change it.” His gaze flared. “I don't want to change it.” He stared at me, and it almost looked like he was trying not to swallow as his eyes dragged over my face. “Not anymore. Not now that I know that I am under your skin exactly like you are under mine.”

My heart dropped, and I blinked.

“I don't –“

Azriel moved, and my breath caught in my throat, my heart toppling and rising when he stalked towards me, his eyes flaring.

“You don't what?” His gaze pierced mine, something swirling in its raging depths. “Don't know what I´m talking about?” Azriel's jaw worked, and he dipped his head to stare at me, iris blazing. “You know exactly what I'm talking about. And it scares the shit out of you.” His throat worked, then Az shook his head a little. “But I won't let you push me away just because you're scared.”

I swallowed, something pulsing under my ribs as I stared up at him, and Azriel stared back, steady, stubborn, unshakable.

“I'm not scared.” Somehow, my voice shook only a little, even as I felt something close around my throat. But I refused to back away, my fingers tightening around the furs wrapped around me as I glared up at Azriel, defiant, and just as stubborn.

Azriel's gaze burned into mine, and I knew, knew just from the way he didn't back down, just towered over me silently as his eyes steadily pierced mine, that he knew just as well as I did that I was lying through my teeth.

And that he could see right past the anger and defiance down to the reason why my heart was pounding painfully against my ribs.

I was scared.

I was terrified.

Because in the span of a night, my traitor of a heart had become his. Maybe parts of it had already belonged to him before, but everything that had happened since we had left for the mountains yesterday, everything I had said and everything Azriel had let slip through the cracks of his armor before laying it all out before me – had caused something to click into place.

Azriel, who never talked about anything that happened inside of him, had offered me everything. And it scared the crap out of me.

The shadowsinger blinked, and something softened in his stance, his shoulders dropping at little.

“Go on.” He stared at me, calm, steady. “Push me away. Scream at me.” A muscle in his jaw shifted as his gaze dragged over me face, and his deep voice was a little hoarse when he mumbled: “I'm still yours. The same way you're mine. Every bone in my body, every fiber of my soul. No matter what you throw at me. It all belongs to you anway. And I'm not going anywhere.”

Heavy pressure built in my chest as I stared up at him, clinging to the furs wrapped around me, and Azriel stared back, stubborn, firm, eyes swirling with a flaring blaze of emotion. Want mixed with need, hunger, hesitation and determination, and something else. Something that was burning and deep and all consuming, and that made my heart pulse against my ribs.

All out on the open.

Swallowing, I blinked and tore my eyes away from Azriel, pulling my pants from the back of the chair.

Carefully, I unbolted the door and dragged it open, moving back lightly when snow tumbled over the floorboards, down from where it had covered the porch; so high, it reached past my knee.

Slowly beginning to plow my way across the porch and down the steps, I breathed in the icy cold air and felt something in my chest tighten softly at sight of the pale blue light, the clouds opening over the mountains in the distance, allowing rays of thin morning light to filter over the woods. Snowflakes sailed silently to the ground, a few landing on my hair and nose, and I swallowed and tipped my head back to hold my face into the cold for a moment.

There was the sound of the door being pulled shut behind me, and when I looked over my shoulder, Azriel moved through the thick layer of snow on the porch, sheathing Truthteller. His eyes were piercing against the snow, his wings still patched up but the swelling going down.

He was still not back to his usual full strength, but it would be enough to winnow us back to Velaris.

Azriel's gaze found mine, and I quickly looked away when my heart rose against my ribs.

Something dipped gently in my chest as I stared up at the snowladen roof of the cabin, and I barely suppressed the urge to swallow.

Azriel moved down the steps, brows crunched against the snow sailing to the ground. He opened his mouth when a cold shiver slid down my back.

The hair at the nape of my neck rose. Something icy closed around my chest, and I turned around, my heart beginning to thump against my ribs as my gaze flitted over the still dark space between the trees.

“What?” Azriel's deep voice washed over me, and from the corner of my eye, I saw his shoulders tense.

I felt the whizzing sensation a second before an arm wrapped around my waist and hauled me out of the way.

A soft sound broke from my throat; my head whipped up, and my heart stilled, time slowing for a few heartbeats when I found Azriel's face an inch away, gaze piercing mine, his grip vice-like around me as my fingers dug into his biceps. Then his gaze moved upwards, and a deep, rumbling snarl built in his throat as his blazing eyes fixed onto the ash arrow that trembled in the railing of the porch where I had just stood.

Azriel whipped around, and I caught movement at the edge of the woods, just twisting out of the way before another arrow sliced through the air; I slid my swords out of their sheaths and turned with an angry growl, and quick and silent like shadows, dark shapes melted out of the treeline and stormed towards us.

I dodged the first blade slicing down through the air, catching it with my own swords and spun around, my blades barely missing the male's throat. He was too quick though, moving and ducking smoothly, and I slid through the snow, whirling up clouds of white as I pushed myself back onto my feet and turned, dodging and catching blades with mine, the impact vibrating through my bones. I caught a glimpse at swirling darkness and Azriel, his shadows whipping out, protecting him. But even though he was swift and agile, I could see he wasn't up to his usual strength, his eyes blazing with fury and snow clinging to his hair.

I dropped and whirled through the snow, slicing my swords over the back of two soldier's legs, causing them to collapse with deep groans, and I shot to my feet, my eyes meeting amber ones for the fraction of a second, deep and dark.

We had to get out of here.

Azriel snarled and kicked back a soldier storming towards him, his shadows whipping out in a wall as he turned, and I dodged a sword swiping down at me, trying to dart towards him. But as one, the soldiers seemed to understand and moved in, cutting off my path and driving us back.

It started a dangerous game. Again and again, they pushed us apart, attacking from all sides. They moved quickly, even in the deep snow, swift and coordinated, keeping Azriel from getting to me and me from getting to him. The shadowsinger's eyes were blazing with fury, his face twisted into a snarl, but every time I caught a glimpse at him, I saw his shadows protecting him from blows he would have easily dodged normally, saw his neck straining in a fight he would have usually finished within minutes.

The soldiers caught on as well. Their attacks became quicker, more daring, and something in my chest started rising. Began to pulse under my ribs, sent strength into my arms and hands, and fury made me snarl as I pushed against the cold and whirled around.

My blades slid over one soldier's throat, muscles working as I dodged another one's blow and sunk my blades into his chest, pushing and pulling them out, turning and slicing my swords over another male's arm before whirling around and sinking my blade into his neck, fighting my way towards the tall, towering figure shrouded in darkness. Azriel sliced his daggers over a male's throat before turning, I threw out my arm to grasp his hand and saw his shadows rising –

Something struck my back, throwing my body forward slightly.

My heart pulsed once in surprise. Then it slowed, and cold trickled over my spine.

I raised my head, and the world seemed to slow around me as pain lazily flooded my system. My gaze swept over the snow like caught in time before meeting another, gold like amber.

The pain spread, from the throbbing point in my back to my chest, and my vision swam, the world tilting around me. The amber eyes widened slowly as the snowed in earth closed in on me. Then my body hit the ground, the impact shaking my vision as the pain slowly grew more distant.

I caught one more glimpse at the amber eyes, in a face beautiful like death, filled with terror and raging fury before beginning to blaze with something so terrible, my heart shuddered. Then darkness exploded, and my eyes slid close.

I slipped into a strange, drowsy state where the world was vague and fuzzy. My eyes were too heavy to stay open, refusing my foggy mind's control, my limbs too tired to move. Sometimes, everything around me seemed just close enough to almost grasp it, but my body was too slow, too far away from my conciousness.

The pain was blurry. There was lots of it, radiating from my chest, drowning out anything else. I could feel hands, cradling my face, rough and scarred, a deep voice reaching through the fog, tense and panicked as something warm tugged frantically in my chest.

Then I was lifted off the cold, wet ground, into arms that smelled metallic like blood and like night chill and cedar underneath, their grip careful as they hoisted me up higher, adjusting me until I could feel my head roll to the side against a solid shoulder. Then the cool of shadows enveloped us.

I slipped away after. Time felt strange, sliding through my fingers, difficult to keep up with. I caught glimpses of a familiar foyer, and felt the deep voice vibrate through me, calling for someone, urgent, thundering, making something in my chest tighten. There were familiar scents washing over me, more voices, and a low snarl when hands slipped under me, the arms around me tightening their grip.

The pain grew, flaring through my body. It ripped me out of my head enough to feel the soft mattress beneath me, the scent filling my lungs, and the forehead pressed against my temple. It grew until it became almost unbearable, until my body did listen, twisting and writhing, a whimper tearing from my throat at the gentle hands pressed to the middle of my chest that felt like it was on fire. The dark presence at my side was gone, and I faintly caught onto a scuffle a bit away, and two other voices, talking against a deep growl.

After that, pain and exhaustion overwhelmed me. I only caught one more glimpse at the room, now quiet and calm, and fingers, long and slender and rough, wrapped around mine, something cool whispering over my cheeks, and the voice again, causing something to pulse gently against my ribs. It was vibrating with something I had never heard before now.

Beneath the fury, the anger and deep searing rage, there was fear.

“- you're not leaving me. Not now; there's no world in which you're not going to put up a fight and come back to me –“

Another voice, rich and smooth, interruped him, and I dozed off before I could try and squeeze his hand.

When I finally woke up, I felt like someone had dropped me midflight.

A soft garbled sound broke from my throat, somewhere close to a hoarse “Ow.”, and there was a quick call of my name somewhere to my right, deep and rumbling and soothingly familiar.

I blinked, feeling my brows crunch as my eyes tried to get used to the soft lighting. My chest was thumping like a second heartbeat, like someone had sent me flying with a kick powerful enough to split a boulder.

My head was heavy, and it took a while until the hazyness had drifted away enough for my gaze to focus onto a ceiling. My mind, still foggy, needed a moment to follow as my eyes drifted lower, over dark sheets which smelled achingly familiar and a room I didn't know. The curtains were drawn, there were bloodied bandages piled on the nightstand next to a bowl with pinkish water and bowls with tinctures. Then I caught movement at the corner of my eye, and when my head rolled to the side tiredly, my eyes met warm brown ones that slowly started to crinkle.

My heart squeezed tiredly, and Cassian sent me a slow, toothy grin.

"There you are.”

I softly crunched my brows and opened my mouth, but the words got stuck in my throat, my tongue dry like parchment. My whole chest ached like I hadn't tasted a sip of water in centuries, and I winced and shifted, trying to sit up.

“Careful, you just nearly died, take it slow.” A big, calloused hand slipped under my arm and helped me move until I was propped up on my side. My eyes landed on the pitcher with water on the night stand, and Cassian clearly read the desperation in my eyes, because he quickly filled a glass and handed it to me. My fingers grasped the cold crystal, almost slipping, and Cassian steadied it, helping me gulp down all of it before refilling it.

After I had guzzled down another full glas, he sent me a smirk. “Better?”

I breathed out before slowly sitting up fully, wincing softly. My chest felt sore, like one big bruise, and when I dipped my head, I caught a glimpse at bandages wrapped over my chest beneath the wide shirt I was wearing.

Shifting, I straightened, feeling my brows furrow as my eyes moved over the room we were in. I knew it was the townhouse, but not the guestroom I had stayed in before, nor any of the other rooms I knew. It was dark and clean but warm and homely, with books sitting next to the fireplace, the armchair pulled up next to the bed –

Something dipped under my ribs when I recognized the scent filling my lungs.

My heart swerved and fell, and my gaze darted over to Cassian, something suddenly weighing harshly on my chest as my hoarse voice rasped through my throat.

“Where's Azriel?”

Cassian stared at me, and one corner of his lips slowly quirked upwards, like he was wondering whether I had hit my head.

“What?!” I felt my heart pulse harshly.

Cass blinked.

“He's fine.” Placing the glass back on the nightstand, he huffed softly and raised his brows, the curve of his lips deepening into a smirk. “Though I would really like to know what happened in that forest now.”

My breath caught in my throat, and I could feel heat threatening to flood my cheeks, but that rising feeling in my chest was too forceful to let me linger on it.

“Why?” My gaze darted over Cassian's face, and he seemed to see the panic beginning to pulse under my ribs, because he blinked again, one corner of his lips tipping up in a light grin.

“Because in 400 years, I've not once seen him like this. He wouldn't leave your side. He didn't eat, didn't sleep, he barely let anyone touch you, snarled at anyone who got too close to you –“ He huffed. “Rhys actually had to knock him out so he could get some rest because he just refused to even take a nap, let alone leave the room –“

My heart dropped and swerved, and suddenly, something closed around my throat.

I blinked, then I turned and slid off the mattress. The world swayed a little when I pushed myself to my feet, but I held onto the bedpost.

“Where is he?”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Cass straightening as I looked around for pants, his brows crunching as he squinted in soft concern.

“Are you sure you –“

I whirled around to glare at him, something squeezing tightly under my ribs.

“Where is he?!”

Cassian stared at me, and one corner of his lips ticked up in a mixture of confusion and amusement.

“Guestroom.“

I turned around and darted towards the door. I just heard his soft huff, then I was out in the corridor.

It was clear my body wasn't ready to be moving quickly yet. I almost stumbled before reaching the stairs, an ache settling in my chest and knees wobbling, but I pushed against it. Hurrying down the stairs, my bare feet flying over the steps, my fingers gripped the banister as I skidded around the corner of the landing and down another flight of stairs into a long hallway, and –

Behind me, a door was ripped open, and when I whirled around, my breath caught in my throat.

My heart skipped once, then it settled.

Azriel stilled. His wild gaze raced over me, tracking over the huge shirt and my bare legs, my hair that had come undone, and something deepened in his stare, became dark and blazing. In turn, my eyes flitted over him, drinking him in, tall and towering as always, hair tousled but clean, shoulders tense and still under his loose shirt, and something twinged in my chest, rising and pulsing as his eyes settled on mine.

Azriel's iris flared and his jaw shifted. Something that looked like desperation crossed over his face, followed by something heated and all consuming. Then he moved, stalking towards me.

My feet unfroze, and before thinking about it, without needing to, I darted forward, racing to meet him.

The impact of my body crashing into Azriel's should have sent him stumbling. But he stayed steady like a rock, scooping me up into his arms as mine wrapped around his neck, clinging to him, my fingers digging into his shoulders, a tremble running through me.

My heart squeezed, so harshly, my breath hitched in a soft sound, and Azriel pulled me closer like he'd felt it, tension keeping his body taut as he slid his arms around me until there was no place I couldn't feel him, his tall body curving as he dragged me up and into his chest and dropped his head to bury his face in the crook of my neck.

Something turned in my chest, warm and aching, and I clung to him, heat rising and pulsing under my ribs when I squeezed my eyes shut quickly and tried to breathe past the tremble in my body, a tightness in my throat as I pressed my face into his neck, his scent flowing into my nose and causing my heart to rise.

“You're okay.” Azriel's voice vibrated through me, deep, low, hoarse, leaving something squeezing in my chest as his hand closed around the back of my head, holding me to him. His arm tightened its grip around my waist until I nodded into his neck, wrapping my arms closer around his shoulders, my fingers sinking into his hair.

Azriel made a soft noise deep in his chest, pressing his nose into my skin, and I felt his shoulders sag. His body melted into mine, his wings shuddered, and something turned over in my chest, beginning to flutter quickly when he slid his arms tighter around me, pulling me further into his chest.

We didn't move until my calves started aching from holding my weight up on my toes and I slowly dropped back onto my heels. Azriel's arms slid off my waist, and when I raised my head, his rough hands slipped up to cradle my neck, tipping my head up. His eyes pierced mine as his throat worked, jaw shifting, his amber eyes swirling like a storm, and my breath hitched.

I barely noticed the heavy footsteps on the stairs until a deep, amused voice sounded somewhere behind me.

“Nice panties, sweetheart.”

Azriel's head whipped up, his eyes flared, and a deep growl vibrated through his chest.

There was a low chuckle.

“Alright, I'm going, I'm going –“

Azriel glared over my head until heavy footsteps moved towards the stairs, and when I threw a quick look over my shoulder, Cassian sent me a smirk and a playful wink.

There was a soft soft snarl rumbling in Azriel's chest, and Cass snickered and turned, disappearing down the stairs without a care.

Tension radiated through Azriel's body until Cassian's footsteps faded away, his eyes glaring at the spot he'd stood in. It caused something to dip in my chest, and I hesitated, slowly moving back a little and swallowing as I looked up at him only to find his eyes on me again, watching me, steady, deep, his gaze swirling with a tumble of emotion.

Something rose under my ribs, fluttering wildly, and my breath caught in my throat. Suddenly, my heart was thumping harshly.

Like he could sense it, felt the same sensation pulling at his chest, Azriel's gaze shifted, became molten and soft. Then he straightened, and his hands slid away from my body without pressure, leaving me close enough I could still feel the warmth radiating from his chest, feel him, but with enough space between us my thoughts slowly calmed enough to be steady.

My heart pulsed, and a gentle knot formed in my throat as I stared up at him.

My stomach twisted before letting out a soft rumble, and I blinked and made a face. Something tumbled against my ribs when I looked up at Azriel, feeling my brows draw together as I steeled myself, ready for him to go off, telling me I should've watched my back, had been reckless –

But Azriel's eyes just moved over my face, heated, dark, almost like he was drinking me in. Then he blinked, and one corner of his lips twitched just barely.

“Put on some pants.”

The door to the kitchen was open, and I heard voices, but I was too distracted by the delicious scent whafting through the hall to really focus on it. My stomach grumbled and twisted, and when I breathed in deeply, my eyes fluttered and I almost melted on the spot. My gaze immediately narrowed in onto the steaming pots on the stove and the smells lacing the air, causing a soft whine to break from my throat.

“Easy, sweetheart.” Cassian's deep voice ripped me out of the haze. “No one's gonna wolf it all down in the next few minutes, there's plenty left for you." I could hear his smirk. "Even though you look like you might wolf it down like a starved kitten.”

Somehow tearing my gaze away from the food, I started to scowl at the Lord of Bloodshed who was lounging on one of the chairs at the big table, just winking at me with a shit-eating grin.

“Azriel.” Rhys, leaned back at the head of the table leisurely, stared over my shoulder, watchful, though with a slight quirk to his lips.

Something brushed against my shoulder, then Azriel appeared at the corner of my eye, towering, relaxed, just lightly raising a brow.

A twinkle formed in Rhys' eyes, and he nodded softly. Then his eyes turned towards me, darkness tapping against the walls of my mind.

“Are you alright?”

My stomach grumbled, and Rhys broke into a smirk.

“Nevermind.”

“Cassian, I want to see you after not eating for days.” Feyre's dry voice made me break my staring contest with the Lord of Bloodshed. I hadn't even noticed her standing over at the stove until she appeared in front of me and wrapped me up in a tight hug, squeezing me carefully.

“I'm glad you're awake,”, she mumbled into my shoulder, and something clenched gently in my chest as I quickly wrapped my arms around her and squeezed back.

“Me too,”, I whispered softly.

Something clattered behind me, and just as I jumped lightly and tried to crane my neck, another body collided with mine, causing me to stumble forward into Feyre and a soft sound to leave me at the slight jab of pain pulsing through my ribs.

A familiar scent filled my nose, blond hair filled my vision, and there was a soft sound somewhere next to my ear.

“Hi,”, Mor mumbled into my neck, and I crunched my brows, managing to free one arm and reaching up to blindly pat her cheek, accidentally hitting her nose.

“Hi.”

Feyre pulled back, grinning, but Mor held onto me for another few seconds, squeezing tightly before pulling back enough to frown, quickly scanning me. “Are you okay?”

My stomach grumbled pitifully, and Cassian snorted softly.

“I'll get you something.” Feyre turned around, and Mor pressed a kiss onto my cheek and slipped past me, taking a seat at the table as Feyre filled a plate with mashed potatoes and stew, the smell nearly making me groan.

Feyre turned, and something warm brushed my side when Azriel moved past me. His scent rose into my nose, and my eyes strayed after him for a second until Feyre offered me the plate with a light grin.

I hesitated, my eyes flickering towards the table.

The distance between every free seat and Azriel, who had moved to the other side of the kitchen, closing the pots before turning to lean against the counter, caused a soft, highly irrational but very real ache to pulse through my chest.

My heart thrummed once.

I blinked and accepted the plate, and before I could change my mind, I slipped past Feyre, moving past the table and making my way over to the counter.

I could feel Azriel's eyes on me as I placed my plate on the marble and pulled a crystal glass and a decanter towards me.

Hesitating for a second, I turned my head just a little.

The shadowsinger's gaze pierced mine, steady, calm. His wing nearly brushed my shoulder, and I could feel whisps of darkness gently grazing my ankles before wrapping around them like a soft greeting. His shoulders looked more relaxed than a second ago, and his golden eyes slowly flickered over mine.

My heart squeezed gently, and warmth slowly spread through my chest.

Because even though Azriel just looked at me, I knew the thought of me taking the seat at the table had caused the same unease in his chest it had sparked in mine.

Like just like me, he felt the same shift in the air between us - to not being able to stand the thought of merely a few feet of distance.

Blinking, I turned my gaze back ahead, pouring a generous amount of liquid into my glass and trying to swallow against the something fluttering in my throat.

I was sure Madja would have a choice of words about me drinking alcohol, my body barely over the effect of the herbs she'd used to speed up my healing.

But I really needed a drink.

Turning, I pulled myself up onto the smooth marble, wincing a little at the twinge under my ribs before picking up the glass. But before I could raise it towards my lips, it was plucked out of my fingers.

My eyes snapped up and narrowed in an incredulous scowl, and Azriel glared back.

For a second, we just glowered at each other, irritation rising and swarming under my ribs. But instead of consuming me like it always had, causing me to snap or shoot a sharp, challenging remark his way, it was quickly swallowed.

Drowned by something else that rose in my chest as I stared into Azriel's eyes, something warm and pulsing that made my heart skip and breath hitch, and suddenly, my lips curved upwards until I couldn't stop them from twitching lightly.

Azriel's gaze shifted, narrowed in, and a slow twinkle spread through his iris.

For another moment, we stared at each other while I tried to ignore the growing flutter in my chest, the hitch in my breath and the skip of my heart. Then I forced my gaze away from Azriel's, turning it back ahead – and stilling.

Everyone in the kitchen was staring at Azriel and me. Mor's brows were crunched, eyes narrowed as one corner of her lips curved upwards in disbelief. Feyre blinked, looking torn between bafflement and a strange kind of elation, and Cassian's eyebrows were raised impressively high. Rhys' eyes were twinkling.

I blinked and frowned.

“What?”

My stomach grumbled, and shrugging, I pulled up my legs and crossed them. Then, ignoring Mor's slightly pained look towards my socks resting on the polished marble, I started digging in.

I didn't listen to anything until half the plate was polished off. Only then, the ache in my stomach lessened, had I relaxed enough to actually tune into the conversation.

“ – so Mor is winnowing over before the rest of us to make sure everything is ready for tonight.”

I crunched my brows and slowed my chewing.

Tonight?

“What's tonight?”, I mumbled around a mouth full of potato.

“The masquerade.” Feyre sent me a light, mischievous grin, and I blinked.

“That's tonight?”

Once a year, Rhys threw a masquerade ball in the halls of the palace in the Court of Nightmares. On the outside, it was to keep the residents in his favor, and to remind him of their High Lord´s power. The masks usually came off quite quickly, and it became the occasion to reevaluate knowledge.

It was a night where the rich and powerful of the Court of Nightmares gathered for lavish entertainment and other enjoyments in the palace, where Rhys and Feyre played the role of the ruthless rulers, and the rest of us slipped into the crowd, taking the opportunity of all of the most influencial of the Hewn City residents in one place - to listen.

Wine loosened the tongue, and with so many people with big egos and a distaste for their High Lord in one place, one learned a lot once the entertainment was flowing, the last of the inhibitions were thrown away for the night and challenges were made.

“It is, and we all can hardly wait.” Cassian was smirking as he got to his feet. Sauntering over, he picked up my abandoned glass before reaching towards my plate -

I growled, and Cassian chuckled easily, his eyes twinkling as he shrugged and turned around, chugging down the liquid.

Glaring after him, I turned my attention back to my plate, but my gaze got caught on Azriel.

Cassian's voice echoed through my head.

“He didn't eat, didn't sleep –“

Something tightened in my chest.

Blinking, I slid one of my legs off the counter and softly nudged the side of Azriel's thigh with my foot. He turned his head towards me, and wordlessly, I ladled some potato and sauce onto my spoon and held it out towards him.

Azriel's gaze flickered down towards the food and then back up towards me, and I narrowed my eyes, glaring at him.

I know you haven't eaten. Take it, now.

The shadowsinger's gaze shifted, became deep and twinkling as it narrowed in onto mine. Then he dipped his head, and my heart skipped softly as I held the spoon steady until he straightened again, chewing and swallowing. Something rose and fluttered under my ribs, and I had to fight the way my lips curved.

It took a heartbeat until I realized the kitchen had quieted down.

I blinked, then I looked back ahead.

If the others had been staring before, they were positively gaping now.

“What?” I stared back indignantly, trying to fight the way my ears heated as I glowered at them before turning back towards my plate.

Rhys cleared his throat, his eyes twinkling as he turned back towards the others. Cassian glowered at me and my plate for another second, then he huffed and shook his head, his lips twitching upwards.

“Anyway.” Mor smiled, wrily, prettily. “Seems like this time, I'm going to have to charm the lovely souls by myself.”

I felt my brows crunch. “No, no; I'm coming.”

The others exchanged a look, then Feyre's brows furrowed gently.

“Are you sure?”

I huffed. “I am sure that Mor can not work the whole room herself. Madja can check me if you want, but I'm fine. I'll manage an evening smiling prettily and not stabbing anyone." I felt my lips quirk. "And unless you want to make Cassian wear a revealing dress to charm some stuck up assholes, you need me, so I am coming.”

Rhys chuckled. “I think she'll be fine.”

Cassian smirked, dragging his eyes over me. “More than fine.”

There was a soft growl next to me, my heart skipped high, and when my gaze flew over, Azriel was staring at Cassian. His eyes were flaring, but Cassian just winked at him, his eyes alight with mischief.

Rhys cleared his throat. If possible, his violet eyes twinkled even more than Cassian's as he lightly raised a brow at his Spymaster.

“Alright…” Mor squinted, her brows crunching. “I guess that's settled then?”

My eyes flickered over the side of Azriel's face, something shifting in my chest as I waited for the inevitable scowl, dark narrowed eyes, and glare towards me followed by stating how reckless me going so shortly after having only just started recovering would be.

But Azriel just leaned against the counter, his shadows gently swirling around my ankle as he turned his head, his golden eyes steadily piercing mine.

"But you'll see Madja before you go.”

Blinking and tearing my gaze away from Azriel's, I found Feyre staring at me, and I felt my lips curve mischievously as I widened my eyes.

“I will. And I will go on bedrest for the next week, if you want me to.” I turned back towards my plate, mumbling: “I'll probably have to, just to recover from all the bullshit we'll have to listen to tonight.”

“Then it is settled.” Rhys leaned back, his arm lazily perched on the back of Feyre's chair. “Anything else?”

Mor started talking about the masks and clothes that would be waiting at Hewn City, and I focused back on my food. Shadows slowly brushed around my ankle as once in a while, I held a spoon out to Azriel.

Carefully, I straightened the straps of my dress, then I raised my head.

Madja had cleared me to go, with reservation, a grouchy look and the order to not strain the scar that had come to light once she had taken off the bandages. It was still fresh, and pulled lightly when I moved in certain ways, but apart from the fact that my chest still felt a little bruised, I was as good as new.

Mostly.

Mor had winnowed the both of us into the Hewn City right after to make sure everything was going to plan. Now, I was standing in my room in the castle deep under the mountain, held in rich dark colors and fairly unused. The wardrobe was filled with dresses that fit the fashion down here, with little fabric and little color. Mor had given me my mask, black intricate swirls that laid snug on my skin, covering the upper part of my face. I had chosen a fitting dress, made from silk that was black like the night, long and sleek, with slits that reached the top of my thighs and bared my legs, and a low neckline.

The little fabric took getting used to, but at least it meant there wasn't a lot to restrict movement.

Picking up a pair of shoes with sturdy, high heels, I sat down on the edge of the bed, sliding my foot into one of them. Wincing at the soft twinge in my chest, I started to tightly lace the shoe to my foot.

It took me slightly longer than usual, the pull of the scar making me sit up half way through and huff a breath out of my nose.

I was getting ready to start lacing the second when the air shifted.

My gaze darted up, darkness rose, and Azriel stepped out of the shadows.

My heart dipped, and my breath caught in my throat. He was wearing his leathers, the shoulder plates shimmering in the firelight, fingerless gloves slipped over his hands, Truthteller strapped to his leg. His eyes flickered golden as I slowly straightened, trying to suppress the urge to swallow, something fluttering high in my chest.

Azriel's gaze flickered down my body, and something twisted in my stomach when his gaze became deeper, more heated.

My skin tingled, and his eyes returned to mine, dark and piercing. Then he moved.

His footsteps were silent, swallowed by the carpet, shadows swishing softly and brushing gently over my bare skin as he moved towards me, eyes piercing mine. The closer he got, the harsher the flutter in my chest got, the stronger the rising feeling. Then Azriel reached the end of the bed.

His scent washed over me, and my breath caught in my throat when he leaned down and, without hesitation, dropped onto one knee.

My heart rose. Then it stilled.

Scarred fingers, calloused and warm, slipped around my ankle, and Azriel lifted my leg, placing the foot with the unlaced heel on his bowed knee. His fingers skimmed up my ankle, picking up the laces, and without even throwing me a look, he started wrapping them around my calf, his knuckles brushing my skin.

I swallowed, trying to fight against the weight that had suddenly closed around my throat as I stared at his face, like carved from shadows, both soft and sharp at the same time. His muscles shifted under his leathers, stance steady, and somehow, I found my voice, surprisingly firm, and a little defiant.

“Aren't you going to tell me that this is reckless, considering I've just been shot?”

I barely suppressed a shudder when Azriel's fingers dragged down the side of my ankle, something twisting in my lower stomach.

“Even if I did tell you that you could do with some rest instead of this, it wouldn't stop you.” Azriel's deep voice was slow, steady, sounding a little irritated and, at the same time, almost reluctantly amused.

My breath hitched.

The shadowsinger carefully tied up the laces before raising his head, and there was a barely there twinkle to his iris as his gaze dragged over my face. “If anything, you'd want to do it even more just to piss me off.”

I huffed and narrowed my eyes, and the corner of Azriel's lips curved just the lightest bit.

Trying not to swallow, I stared at him.

“If you know that, why did you still always push?”

Azriel's eyes pierced mine, and his voice sent shivers over my spine, low, deep, steady.

“Because I lose every ounce of control and logic around you. Because some twisted part of me liked that you pushed back, never backed down, not even from me." His jaw shifted. "Because it pisses me off how easily you're willing to put yourself in danger for someone else.” His gaze dragged over my face, blazing slightly. “Because being mad at you for doing that was easier than admitting why it bothers me so fucking much in the first place.”

My heart was rising under my ribs, pulsing harshly.

“Why does it bother you?”, I whispered.

Azriel's eyes became molten, and his voice vibrated through me, almost strained.

“Because just the thought of you getting hurt makes me lose my fucking mind.”

I stared back at him, something churning in my chest.

The next words tumbled from my lips slightly pressed.

“Are you telling me all of this because you think you need to prove something?”

Something in Azriel's iris flared, became piercing.

“I'm telling you because I was a fool for not doing it before. And because I will never hide how I feel about you from you again.” A muscle in his jaw shifted, his deep voice a little rough when he mumbled: “That already cost me enough.”

This time, I did swallow, harsh and slow.

Silence settled over the room as Azriel and I stared at each other. Almost on eye level, my foot still sitting onto his knee, my shin almost touching his chest, I was close enough that I could feel him, could feel the strength in his body, the steadiness and weight of his stare.

Azriel's fingers, loosely wrapped around my calf, shifted, his thumb beginning to draw gentle, slow circles on my skin. Shadows whispered around the edge of my skirt, gently brushing over my legs, and Azriel blinked. His brows crunched a little, then he tipped his head to the side.

His hand loosened its grip on my ankle, rough skin brushing over mine, leaving goosebumps in its wake as Azriel moved his hand up over my knee and my thigh and carefully pulled the fabric of my dress to the side where the slit had hiked up and now almost reached the crease where my hip and thigh met – revealing silver daggers strapped to my leg.

Azriel's eyes grew deep and molten as his fingers traced my thigh, outlining one of the blades and causing my heart to catch in my throat. Then they rose to meet mine, and I swallowed softly and shrugged, feeling my lips curve cheekily.

“I've been told I have a tendency to be reckless and get myself into trouble.”

Azriel's gaze dragged over mine, heavy, blazing, and slowly, very slowly, one corner of his lips turned upwards.

Something in my chest pulsed. Then it rose in a wild flutter.

Azriel's hand slipped down again, sliding into the crook of my knee. His thumb slowly traced over my skin, and shivers travelled up my body, causing my heart to swell and flutter. His eyes pierced mine, and something toppled in my chest at the heat flaring in his eyes, swirling with want and warmth and longing, and something else so deep and all consuming, my breath trembled.

I opened my mouth, but before I could say something; what, I wasn't really sure myself, there was a light knock against the door.

I jumped slightly, tearing my gaze away from Azriel's just in time to hear Mor's voice sound through the wood.

“It's me. Meet you down the hall in a minute, Rhys has given the go.”

Azriel's hand lifted my leg, and when my eyes darted back towards him, he carefully placed my foot on the floor before rising to his full height. His eyes met mine, molten gold, then he held out a hand.

Swallowing softly and feeling my brows crease, I slid my fingers over his palm, and Azriel pulled me to my feet. His hand slipped out of mine, then it slid around my waist, turning me around.

My breath caught in my throat when Azriel's chest brushed against my back, shadows whispering around me. Then something dark was lowered over my face, and when I reached up in reflex, my fingers brushed over soft material, molding to my face until only my eyes were uncovered.

Fingers brushed my temple, then Azriel tied the black silk ribbon at the back of my head. My heart thrummed against my ribs when I quickly looked up at him over my shoulder, and Azriel's breath fanned over my skin when he dipped his head lightly, his dark eyes steadily piercing mine, his low voice a little hoarse when he mumbled: “Every bone in my body."

My breath faltered, simply ceased as my heart rose, and shadows swallowed Azriel, leaving only a few to gently curl around my wrists, sliding between my fingers.

Every fiber of my soul.

All yours.

The revel had already been well underway when Mor and I had entered the throne room.

Masked Fae were everywhere, dressed so scantily, some wore basically nothing at all. The air was thick with fumes and alcohol, laughter loud over music and revel, the crowd parting only occasionally. Dancers grinding to the deep, compelling music, couples in dark corners, a few jugglers and flame breathers earning applause.

It had been easy to slip into the crowd without anyone even noticing. Move through the people, listening, smiling, charming, saving every bit of information to share later. I caught glimpses of Cassian, standing on the dais slightly behind the throne, watchful, his dark eyes flickering over the room, or a little behind Feyre and Rhys when they moved through the crowd, making conversation here and there, the picture of ruthlessness and beauty. Sometimes, my way crossed Mor's, her hair braided out of her face, her dark dress blending it seemlessly, exchanging information in soft whispers, or in taps against a wine glass.

I didn't see Azriel. But I felt him. Felt shadows brushing against my skin in the thick crowd, winding around my ankles gently, and eyes on me wherever I was in the room.

Plucking a glass from the tray of a nearby waiting faerie, I leaned against one of the huge columns lining the edge of the room, letting my gaze slowly trail over the crowd as I took a sip of wine. Ignoring the leering gazes from males passing, I swirled my wine around in my glass slowly and caught Mor's gaze over the crowd. She looked ready to roll her eyes at whatever nonsense the male next to her was spewing, her nails tapping against her arm even as she smiled at him, sweetly and charmingly.

Asshole.

Turning my eyes away with a suppressed grin, I contemplated diving into the crowd again when a voice whafted through the noise from somewhere on the other side of the pillar.

“ – these bastards in our city.”

I felt my brows furrow just barely and turned my head slightly, focusing on the snarling voice.

“Look at them. Parading around like we belong to them. Everyone knows none of us pledged loyalty to that half-breed.”

My spine bristled slightly.

Most inhabitants of the Hewn City shared a view towards Rhys.

Usually none of them were dumb enough to discuss these views out loud. Especially not when he was in the room.

But there were always the rogue ones foolish enough to think he wouldn't know.

Shifting lightly, I tilted my head to look around the pillar.

The owner of the drawling voice was standing in a small circle of males, looking like they'd all thoroughly enjoyed the debauchery and revel, wine glasses full, upper buttons undone and baring flushed necks. The male talking, tall, dark haired and handsome, stared towards the dais, a disgusted look in his eyes.

“Look at him and his whore. Protected by that bastard Illyrian.”

The hairs at the back of my neck rose, and I felt my eyes slowly narrow to slits as something hot began swirling slowly in my chest.

Careful now, sweetheart. You're about to get burned very badly by your own tongue.

“You can tell all about his judgement by the mutts he's surrounding himself with. Throwing this court to the dogs. Giving our females to those winged brutes.” The male scowled, his eyes blazing. “Lord of Bloodshed. Laughable. Nothing more than a bastard with a stolen title. Destroying our bloodlines by making our females spread their legs for his scum. Think of Keir's daughter. That bitch is now one of his.”

Something curled tightly in my chest, heat washing over me as I slowly placed my glass on a passing tray.

I'd heard enough.

If I didn't move away now, there was no guarantee I wouldn't forget about leaving this bastard to Rhys and go straight for the male's throat.

I got ready to slide into the crowd, pushing off the column to make my way over to the dais – when the male's slow drawl made me freeze in the spot.

“Don't get me started on the other one. Shadowsinger." He scoffed. "Nothing but a rabid dog on a leash. Have you seen his hands? It's grotesque. Here, something like that wouldn't carry weapons. It'd be tied up in a dungeon.”

The noise in the room faded away as something rose in my chest, deadly quiet.

It turned and twisted until blinding hot and pulsing. All reason slipped away, until the only thing left was the instinct to rip through the male's throat, tear him to shreds for the words he'd dared to speak.

My hand slipped into the slit of my dress, and my voice cut through the noise, the laughter and music.

“You know, you really should be careful.”

The males looked over their shoulders in surprise and disdain, and I slinked out of the shadows, feeling the rage pulse under my ribs as I leaned against the pillar, smiling wickedly. “Or you might be the one ending up in a dungeon.”

The dark haired male straightened slowly, a dark twinkle entering his gaze as it slowly dragged over my body. One corner of his lips curled into a leering smile, and he raised a brow.

“Worried about me, sweetheart?”

A snarl built in my throat, but I fixed it into a grin before tipping my head to the side and furrowing my brows innocently. “Can you blame me? I've heard it's garstly down there. So dark and cold. Isn't it true even the Darkbringers are frightened of going down there?”

The male smirked, eyes following the curve of my body. “We're not frightened of anything.”

I slowly started to smile widely.

“Really?” I crunched my brows and pouted softly, feeling my lips twitch mischievously as I looked up at him through my lashes. “Why's a tough male like you just standing around here all on your lonesome?”

The dark haired male's smirk deepend, but before he could open his mouth, I narrowed my eyes at him in thought, the corner of my lips curving wickedly.

“Is it because you manage to light such fireworks of warmth and kindness?” Mockingly, I raised a brow, my lips twitching. “Every female must love that. The arrogance. The cruelty, the cowardice. The lack of respect for anyone you deem below you, when really you are the one proving just how little respect you deserve. The brashness, the cockiness.” I grinned viciously, letting my gaze drag slowly over his body until it rested below his belt. “Well, maybe you're just trying to make up for lacking something in – other departments.”

The males looked amusingly shocked for a second. Then the dark haired one slowly slipped into a menacing snarl.

“You –“

“You know, I think I got it.” I pushed off the pillar and slid my fingers under the silk band of my mask. “Maybe us females that spread our legs for those bastards…“, I pulled, and the fabric slid off my face as I smiled wickedly, “are just simply sick of the actual bastards like you.”

The male's eyes narrowed sharply, and he bared his teeth. “You. You're one of his whores.”

Tutting, I smiled brightly and cheekily, letting go of my mask and sauntering closer, smoothly sliding a dagger from its sheath in the shadows. “Now, now, careful. You already gambled away your tongue, you're about to loose so much more.”

The male moved forward, towering, dark and angry, and his eyes flashed. “That can be prevented.”

I grinned, fury raging in my chest, vibrating under my skin.

“Please try.”

The male's eyes became slits, and he snarled as the other males around him moved out of his way, beginning to prowl towards me. “You are in far over your head. I could snap that pretty little neck in an instant, but where's the fun in that?” He smirked leeringly. “We'll have some fun first, and you'll see what you´d been missing, spreading your legs for me too, like a good little s-“

It happened in the span of a heartbeat.

Darkness grasped the male, and his back crashed against the pillar, a tall, towering figure on him, their bodies shaking from the impact as huge wings flared and shadows whirled and scarred fingers wrapped around the male´s throat and squeezed.

My heart dipped and stilled.

Azriel's face was frozen to stone, the only sign of the deadly rage flaring within him the blazing fire in his eyes as he dipped his head and growled: “I'll kill you.”

The other males pulled themselves out of their shock. Two came at me while shadows wrapped around the others like shackles, but I was quicker.

Ducking under the swinging arm of the first, my fingers closed around his wrist, and I whirled around until our backs collided and I wrapped my arm over his neck to slice my blade over his throat. I could feel his body spasm in my back, and something hot and wet spattered my skin.

I moved before his body even collapsed to the ground, dropping to dodge the arm of the second and sliding over the marble, slicing the back of his knee with my dagger. My dress flared around me as I turned, baring the daggers sheathed at the tops of my thighs, and I pushed myself up, another daggers sliding into my hand as the male's leg buckled and he went to his knees. His head whipped up, my daggers pressed against his skin, one over his throat and the other pointed at the back of his neck, causing him to freeze, and my head swept around as I snarled at the others.

“Don't fucking touch him.”

The male tried to grab at Azriel's hand that slowly but surely cut off his air supply, but the shadowsinger didn't move, just stared at him with that flaring, merciless fire blazing in his eyes, body rippling with tension, darkness whipping around his wings.

The crowd rustled as guards slipped out of the wide circle that had formed. The commotion must have attracted their attention, ready to break off the brawl – Rhys wasn't interested in too much of a bloodspill. But they visibly hesitated as their gazes flickered between me, Azriel, and the male that wheezed, trying to scratch at the shadowsinger's hands as he gurgled: “What – are you – waiting – for –“

Azriel's eyes darkend, and the male broke off, his eyes bulging. I snarled, sliding the tip of my knife higher up the kneeling male's throat as my gaze pierced the guards. They might have been sworn loyal to Rhys, but he wasn't around right now, and many of them shared the same view the male had paraded around.

Something skipped high against my ribs; I threw a look over my shoulder, and the same moment, Azriel turned his head.

Amber eyes clashed with mine; blazing, raging darkness, and showing a silent question, offer, reassurance.

My heart dipped. Then it rose.

I pushed away the male at my feet and turned smoothly, and Azriel's wings flared, spread menacingly as he let go of the male who lost his footing and collapsed, stepping back until we were back to back. Shadows wrapped around my arms and waist, possively, protectively, the breeze of the ones swirling around Azriel's wings causing the whisps of hair falling into my face to flutter as I flipped my daggers around, the blades pressing against the insides of my arms as I snarled at anyone who moved just a breath out of the circle. I could feel Azriel towering in my back, could feel the brush of his shoulder blades against my head, the power radiating off him in waves.

The guards exchanged quick glances.

“What are you waiting for?!” The male grasped his throat, his gaze raging with hate as he pushed himself to his feet, pointing towards us. “That fucking bastard was about to kill me, and that bitch actually sliced one of our own's throat!”

The guards hesitated, and the male barked: “Kill them!”

Azriel snarled softly, his wings rustling as his shadows whispered over my skin in a caress, and my heart rose as I readied myself, adrenaline rushing through my body and causing my lips to curve into a challenging, deadly grin as I fixed my eyes onto the nearest guard.

“I'll fucking do it myself!” The male ripped the sword off a guard and turned.

But before he could advance, before I could ready my dagger, the crowd shifted.

The guards stilled in place. Darkness rippled, power causing the ground to tremble. Then there was a low, familiar chuckle.

“Now, now…”

The male's gaze whipped around, and Rhys stepped out of the crowd, his violet eyes twinkling wickedly as he straightened his sleeve. They pierced the male who paled slightly, then they slowly turned towards Azriel and me.

“Even though I certainly wouldn't blame you for killing the worm with the bad manners right here and now, I am going to have to remind you of the mess it would leave.” He dipped his head with a feline smirk. “It would be such tedious work to scrub even more blood off the floors.”

The males blanched, but the dark haired one clenched his teeth, apparently gaining back some of his bravado as he pointed at me.

“This female –“

Rhys' gaze whipped around, becoming sharp as darkness built around him, and the male fell quiet like someone had closed a hand over his mouth.

“Careful about finishing that sentence.” Rhys' voice was deep and rumbling and every part the High Lord he was when he stared at the male, power radiating off him and causing the male to step back like his body had forced him to.

“Maybe rethink on whether to finish it at all. Because even if I wasn't very inclined towards having people's heads for the things that just left your worthless mouth, as you might have noticed, this female is very capable of holding her own. Not to mention -“ Rhys' eyes flashed with the smirk he sent the male and dipped his chin towards Azriel. “He would tear you apart before you even finished whatever vile excuse of an opinion you were about to voice. And what an upsetting sight for my guests to witness your insides spilling all over the floors.”

The male blinked, and even though his jaw worked, he paled.

“As for the plain slander you spewed directed towards my Spymaster…” Rhys' eyes were blazing even as he smirked. “He doesn't care enough about opinions to shred you to pieces for parading them around. I however do, and this one,”, his gaze was twinkling wickedly he inclined his head towards me, “even more. She gets quite protective of those she cares about. And won't have anyone spewing insults of such kind without facing dire consequences.” Rhys sent him a feline smile. “And the only reason she won't be ripping out your throat right here and now is that she knows I would rather not have her ruin such expensive silk with something as meaningless as your blood.”

The male blinked quickly, his cheek muscles working quickly.

“Now, just in case this wasn't already made clear.” Rhys tipped his head to the side, his violet iris losing all twinkle, his smile becoming sharp and vicious. “No one makes the kind of insults you threw around about any member of my court without facing the consequences. And only a fool does so in my presence, thinking that I wouldn't know...”

The male's eyes widened slowly.

Rhys' lips twitched, and he dipped his chin. “Take him away.”

The guards moved, uniforms rustling, and Rhys turned away, raising a brow at the crowd with a wicked smile. "Anyone else would like to add anything?"

The crowd shifted, and Rhys winked, his smirk lazy. "Excellent. That means we can all go back to amusing ourselves." He waved his hand, and slowly, the bystanders started to turn away as the noise of the revel picked up again, laughter echoing under the cavernous ceiling, the fire breathers earning applause from the people who hadn´t even realised anything had been wrong.

I snarled softly when the rest of the males slinked into the shadows, and something heavy slipped off my chest as I felt a soundless breath leave me, adrenaline slowly rushing out of my system.

Then something grazed my back, and my heart rose into my throat.

I hesitated and looked up over my shoulder, and my eyes met amber ones, dark and swirling, piercing mine as shadows slowly whispered around my hands and ribs, gently wrapping around my ankles.

Something pulsed once against my ribs, harsh and quick, and my breath caught.

“Well…”

I blinked, somehow tearing my eyes away from Azriel's, and Rhys arched a brow.

“I had something a little less dramatic planned to re-establish dominance, but this was certainly something people will remember, so who am I to complain.” His lips curved mischievously as he raised a brow. “As entertaining as this was though, I'd rather you not stir up any more trouble tonight, so why don't you two go home.” Stepping back slightly, he winked, his violet eyes twinkling, then darkness swallowed him.

I swallowed softly. Then I looked up at Azriel, and something started rising under my ribs when he turned towards me, his tall body towering over me, shadows softly whispering over his shoulders, and my body followed, like it was made as a mirror.

Something dipped and squeezed in my chest as I tipped up my chin to stare up at him, soared and fluttered when Azriel stared back, head tilted down towards me, so close our chests were brushing. His eyes were dragging over my face, deep, emotion raging within, causing my breath to swell in my throat. Then he turned his gaze down, and my fingers twitched when rough hands carefully slid the daggers out of my grip.

My brows furrowed, and when I followed Azriel's gaze, he wiped the bloody blades clean on the sleeves of his leathers before twirling them around in his grip and leaning down.

His breath brushed over my neck, then his hands slipped under the slits in my dress and slid the daggers back into their empty sheaths.

My heart dipped and fluttered. Heat washed through my body from the place Azriel´s rough fingers grazed my skin, his scent causing my heart to rise in a flutter, then he rose again, and when I looked up at him, feeling something close around my throat, his hand slipped to the small of my back, lightly tugging me forward as his arm wrapped around my waist until my chest was pressed into his.

I inhaled soundlessly, and darkness swallowed us.

When the shadows disappeared, we were standing in Azriel's room in the townhouse.

I hesitated, swallowing softly as I slowly moved backwards, Azriel's hands slipping away from my waist when I raised my head to stare at him, something dipping in my chest.

“I could have handled him.” My voice was soft, so unlike me, something churning in my chest as my heart thumped against my ribs.

“I know.” Azriel's eyes pierced mine.

My heart rose, and I felt my brows draw together desperately.

“Then why did you –“

Azriel moved, and my voice died away when he stalked forward until he was towering over me, his eyes blazing as he stared down at me. “Because you're mine. You might've not been before we went into those godsdamned woods, but you sure as hell are now, and I know that you can fight for yourself, but I am too selfish to not tear apart anyone who dares to try and harm you.”

My heart rose into my throat, and suddenly, breathing felt impossible.

Azriel's jaw flexed, and he dropped his head a little, his eyes piercing mine.

“You're mine.” His throat worked like he was trying to swallow, and his shoulders sank. “And you know that. You know that you are mine, that you belong with me, the same way you know that I am yours – with every fiber of my fucking being.” His gaze darted over my face, blazing, desperate.

“You know it, because it pulls you towards me just like it pulls me towards you, because just the thought of being away from each other makes you ache, because the thought of losing each other makes you feel like you're going to lose your mind. Because anyone threatening to harm me makes you want to rip them apart.” His throat worked as he stared at me, eyes steady.

“That's what was scaring you.” His voice was hoarse but fiery. "Because for some reason, it hasn't gotten into your head that I'm not going anywhere. That I belong to you just as much as you belong to me, maybe even more, and that it's not going to stop.”

Something tightened in my chest, and I tried to fight the rising feeling, feeling my fingers curl together to hold onto something.

“How do you want to know that?”

The whispered words were out before I could stop them, weak, scared, terrified.

But Azriel's eyes just dragged over mine, drinking me in, that deep, all consuming thing rising in his iris until it swallowed everything.

“I just do.” His quiet, raw voice caused a shudder to run down my spine. “The same way I know there's stars in the sky and earth under my feet.”

I stared at him, feeling my breath tremble, and something began to ache in my chest.

“What if I fall? What if I go down?”

The words tumbled from my lips, shaking, thick, but Azriel just stared at me, calm, steady, unshakable, his voice hoarse when he mumbled: “Then I'll catch you. Or we go down together.”

The ache in my chest grew, rising, like a storm as I tried to fight against the pressure in my throat and drank in the male standing before me, tall, unfaltering, eyes soft and burning, and my heart pulsed, thrumming against my ribs, firmer and firmer until my breath stilled.

I moved, and the ache in my chest tightened before erupting, turning to clouds of stardust when I stretched and pulled Azriel down to kiss him desperately.

A soft hoarse sound left the shadowsinger, and his hands slipped to the back of my neck, dragging me forward into his chest as he dipped his head and kissed back like he'd been made for nothing else.

My heart soared as my fingers tug into his waist, twisting and pulsing under my ribs as I pushed closer, Azriel's scent filling my lungs, causing a whimper to build in my throat as one of my hands slid up to the back of his neck, digging into his hair to pull him down, closer, just closer.

Azriel groaned into my mouth, his fingers sliding down to grip my waist as his lips parted mine, his tongue wrestling mine as his hand slid into my hair, tipping my head.

Heat rose from my core, washing through my body as my insides twisted, my hips pushing forward, and Azriel bit into my lower lip before dropping his head. His fingers slipped from my waist to drag one of the straps of my dress down my shoulder, then his hand pressed against my back to arch my body into his touch, and his lips dragged over my nipple.

My insides shuddered, something twisted in my stomach, and my head fell back when Azriel started licking and sucking on the soft skin of my breast, groaning softly with need, his heavy breath fanning over forming bruises as his teeth caught onto my nipple.

My hips jerked, and my fingers dug into Azriel's hair as my body arched into him and a broken sound tore from my throat.

The shadowsinger's breath was ragged against my skin, heavy and uneven, his fingers digging into my waist as he pulled me closer and raised his head to kiss me again, harsh and deep and desperate. His fingers pulled the other strap of my dress off my shoulder, and the silky fabric slipped down my body, a soft groan leaving the back of Azriel's throat when my back arched until my chest pressed into his.

My heart rose in a violent flutter, and I dug my fingers into his hair, kissing back just as desperately. My tongue dragged over Azriel's, and he leaned down, his arm sliding under my ass and lifting me off my feet as he straightened back up.

My legs wrapped around his waist like instinct, my body clinging to his as I curved my hands around the nape of his neck and kissed him breathlessly, feeling everything in my stomach coil at the way his tongue licked into my mouth.

Azriel's steps shook my body as he moved through the room, his wings knocking against books and sending them crashing to the floor. His grip changed, and his arms slid away when he placed me on a cool, smooth surface, his hips pushing my knees apart, and my legs wrapped around his waist, dragging him closer.

Azriel grunted, his hips grinding into mine, and I moaned into his mouth as heat washed through my insides.

Azriel's hands slid down my sides to the holsters wrapped around my thighs. His fingers undid the clasps, and the weapons clattered to the floor as his thumb hooked into the band of my underwear and dragged it down. I kicked it off before trying to wrap my legs back around his waist, but Azriel's calloused fingers closed around my thighs. Then he dragged my legs apart and sank down onto his knees.

My breath caught in my throat, and my heart ceased beating.

Azriel's hands hooked into the back of my knees and dragged me to the edge of the dresser, sliding my legs over his shoulders. Then his eyes found mine, hooded, hazy, deep and flaring, and my lips fell apart when he ran his tongue through my folds.

A deep moan rumbled through Azriel's chest, and my back arched. His hands gripped my hips, then Az pushed closer and started licking broad stripes over me, his tongue flicking over my clit, sending shudders through my body.

My head fell back as my fingers dug into the hard edge of the dresser, my thighs trembling. Deep sounds vibrated through Azriel's body, like somehow, this was bringing him even more pleasure than me, eating me like a male starving, lids fluttering over hazy eyes in which golden flecks were melting together into galaxies.

The sight of him, hair dishevelled, strands curving over his forehead, wings shuddering as he lapped at me, sucking slowly, caused something to twist in my stomach, my insides tightening. My heart thrummed against my ribs, heat running down my spine as it arched, and Azriel hummed, his hands sliding from my hips. He tore his gloves off, then his palms dragged up my legs, leaving goosebumps in their wake, and one slipped between my legs.

"Oh." A soft sound left me, my hips rolled, and Azriel licked over my clit until my body shuddered and his finger slipped into me.

Azriel took me apart with nothing but a few strokes. Then his finger curled, another joined the first, and he harshly sucked at my clit, lapping and licking, and the tightness in my stomach twisted and snapped, bloomed into something that turned my body to stardust and made my insides squeeze and twitch until I clung to Azriel's hair, sounds breaking from my throat that shook the ceiling.

Lazily lapping at my clit, Azriel allowed me to tug him to his feet. Shadows whispered, helping my trembling fingers to begin to get rid off his leathers when he kissed me again, his hands tipping back my head, his tongue slowly, heatedly dragging over mine.

Suddenly, the layers left between us were too much. I ripped at Azriel's armor, sliding it off his shoulders, the leathers following. My nails lightly scratched over his skin as I dragged my hands down his chest, his skin warm and solid under my touch, muscles shifting and shuddering when my legs wrapped around his waist and dragged him forward. I licked over his throat, following the deep sound rumbling in Azriel's chest when my teeth nipped at his jaw, his fingers digging into my thigh, sliding into my hair, and I inhaled with a soft shudder, raising my head and curling my fingers into Azriel's hair when he kissed me harshly.

Azriel's grip tightened, and he lifted me off the dresser. My nipples dragging over his bare chest caused my fingers to dig into his hair, and Azriel growled softly, kissing me harder, more desperate. I could feel his hard cock pushing against his pants as he kicked off his boots, and when I grinded my hips down, my insides twisted at both the friction and the hoarse sound leaving him.

Azriel leaned down, and my heart rose when he dropped me into sheets that smelled like him as much as me, our scents intertwined into something that caused my chest to ache with harsh flutters. Weapons and heavy leather hit the floor, then Azriel was above me, pushing my body up the mattress until I wrapped my legs and arms around him and dragged his heavy body down.

My heart toppled when his warm weight pressed mine into the mattress, causing my hips to buck and back to arch, and Azriel groaned into my neck. His hand dragged my thigh up, his hips lodged right between my legs, and my hand flew up to curl into his hair when the tip of Azriel's cock dragged through my folds.

I choked with a whimper, my lips parting as I twisted back my head. Azriel's hands pressed against the insides of my thighs, pushing them down further, sliding my legs apart until I was spread out entirely beneath him. His nose dragged up my neck, warmth washed over me, and I dug my fingers into his hair. Then he rolled his hips forward.

My lips parted. My back arched as a whimper left me, and my eyes rolled back at the way I felt myself stretch around him, sensation zipping up my spine as my body melted into the mattress.

Azriel grunted, neck straining as he dropped his head against my shoulder and mumbled hoarsely: “Fuck, you´re tight.”

“Oh.” My back arched up into him, my hips twisting, and Azriel growled softly into my neck, one arm hooking under my back to keep me from writhing.

My eyes rolled back as Azriel nudged his hips forward, and my back arched.

“Shit.” My fingers grasped the sheets, twisting, and Azriel grunted against my throat, the sound thick. A shuddering breath left me as my hands flew up to dig into his back, my heart rising into my throat.

My body became a pliant, weightless thing. Where Azriel pushed, it gave way, with a little hesitation and then all too ready. The deeper he sank in, the less I could feel that wasn't him. Him and how I was stretching around him, him and his body flush against mine, tall and solid and dwarfing mine as his hand closed around my thigh and hiked it up higher –

Azriel raised his head, and my heart toppled over when he pressed his forehead against mine, panting shallowly into my parted lips, grip bruising. Then his hips rolled again, and something twisted, shifting into place.

I whimpered when Azriel sank in to the hilt, hips flush with mine and filling me up to the very brim, my fingers digging into his back as one of my hands flew up to bury in his hair.

Azriel nudged his nose against mine, and my heart toppled over at the sight of his blazing eyes and blown pupils and harsh swallow.

I lightly rolled my hips upwards, and a strangled sound left the back of Azriel's throat. His fingers dug into my thigh, then he slowly pulled out, and my eyes rolled back when he sank back in, starting a deep, hard, torturous rhythm.

My nails scratched over Azriel's back as my body arched into him, my hips meeting his thrusts as he began to fuck me, slowly, deliciously, every drag of his cock against my walls causing tremors to run up my spine. Something began blooming in my chest, wild and pulsing, rising until I shuddered, and Azriel kissed me, lips parting mine as his tongue dragged over mine, tasting, memorising as he groaned into my mouth, and I slid my leg up higher over his waist, clinging to him, feeling his arm drag me up into his body as he slowly picked up his rhythm.

Something liquid pooled in my stomach, something hot that sent waves of pleasure through me and made my head fall back into the pillows, and I rolled my hips, desperate for more, more friction, more -

"Harder."

My breathless whisper caused Azriel's spine to tremble. His grip tightened as he growled, and from one second to the next, his control vanished. Slid away with every little thing remaining of his walls, and his hands pushed my legs up higher as his hips snapped forward, falling into a rhythm that made me press my palm onto the headboard, my body arching as Azriel started to fuck me deep and hard into the mattress.

My insides twisted. Tightened slowly around Azriel's cock as it hit spots that made my eyes roll back until I saw stars as I pushed back, rocking my hips until it felt like my body was about to burst, strung so tightly, I could feel every muscle quivering until I was writhing, broken sounds falling from my throat.

Then it snapped.

My body shattered. Became stars and galaxies and the earth trembling beneath our feet as waves of pleasure washed over me so blinding, my body twisted and shuddered still when I felt Azriel follow me over that edge, his hips burying deep within me as he cursed brokenly into my neck.

The sheets were no longer sticking to my skin when I finally wasn't floating anymore. My mind was still slow and foggy when I pulled my head back a little to stare at Azriel. He'd dragged me into his body, arm slipping between my legs to haul one of them over his side before sliding it around my waist, pulling me so close that our chests were pressed together until there was no telling where one ended and the other began. His hair was mussed and sweaty, his lips swollen, and his eyes looked like amber in evening light as he stared back at me, the golden flecks in his iris twinkling.

He was looking at me like I was beginning and end, the answer to every question, like the one thing between the earth and the stars entirely made for him.

Something rose gently under my ribs.

"Every fiber of my soul,", I whispered.

Azriel stared at me, and his gaze flared, became molten and soft and burning as he dragged me forward and kissed me until my heart soared and breath caught in my throat and I finally understood that swirling, all consuming feeling in his eyes.

All yours.

@azrielshadows1nger @waytoomanyteenagefeels @secret-ly-here @icey--stars @ailyr92 @azriels-mate2 @thisisew @kalulakunundrum @polli05927 @raisinggray @justdreamstars @ccucumbers @hanvstheworld

#azriel #azriel x reader #azriel x female!reader #azriel imagine #azriel smut #az #az x reader #az imagine #az/reader #acomaf #acowar #acotar x reader #acotar #lalacliffthorne #azriel/reader

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lavenderspence · 4 days

Text

unexplained sadness | A.H.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x fem!reader | Word Count: 2.5K

Content warning: pre-established relationship, depression, mental health struggles, mentions of therapy, angst, supportive!aaron

Summary: you've struggled to find a way out from under the darkness for years, but you were thankful he offered the final push you needed.

A/N: I drafted this a few days, contemplating if I should even post it. it's very self-indulgent. I wrote it at a time when I wasn't able to understand my own feelings, and im still not sure how. I think this is the realest my writing has been, but i do think I'm posting this with the most vulnerability as well. I want you all to remember, just in case you're struggling - you're amazing, you're enough and I believe in you. Life is crazy, but it will get better, allow yourself to be patient, and most importantly, take the greatest, most gentle care of yourself 💕

You looked around, well aware of the amount of relief that should be flooding your body right now. It usually did at the end of a case, where another monster was put to rot in a cage much appropriate for its’ sins.

But even knowing what you should be feeling, the simple truth was - you weren’t feeling anything at all, and you hadn’t for a while.

And even when you did feel something, you could never explain it. It was a mess, where many emotions fought a battle, but in the end, all it came down to was an endless void where the darkness and despair of the unexplained won out.

The only thing you could feel at that moment was the pressure of the vest compressing against your chest. It stole the little amount of oxygen in your lungs in favor of an overwhelming amount of hidden sadness.

Even with the sun high up in the sky and the warmth it was supposed to spread all over your skin, you felt cold - no warmth actually penetrated the top layer of your skin. And the chatter - EMTs, police officers, and outlookers, you couldn’t process anything at all.

It was like you were standing there, like a statue, a headstone to remind everyone of your presence once upon a time, but not anymore. Physically, you were alive and aware, but mentally, you’ve been fighting a battle you could confidently admit you were losing.

Your thoughts were deeply wrapped in a cobweb of confusion and melancholy, a never-ending cycle that couldn’t stop repeating itself. It felt like you didn’t exist outside the realm of your own despair. Each day the shadows around you persisted in their pursuit of you, dragging in with them this empty feeling, designed to leave you feeling like a loner.

The string holding you tethered to the person you’d been before was tinning each day as the distance between you grew bigger and bigger. You no longer even felt her presence at all. For weeks you’ve fought a silent battle against your own mind, and even your body sometimes.

You tried to hide behind a mask of fake smiles and nights spent around the people you trusted most, hoping you’d feel better, but you never did. You only felt this state you were in, as it gained speed and grew in volume.

But there was a certain pair of eyes that saw the subtle changes in you, straight into a place even you couldn’t see. Warm chocolate, sometimes shining amber in the sun - somehow strict but also oh so soft.

You thought you hid it well, but you could never hide yourself from him, and you should have known.

Your hotel room was dark and quiet, safe for the gentle light and sound that came from the TV. A movie was playing, an early 2000s song in the background. The duvet felt heavy over your body, and you longed to kick it off in an effort to feel less trapped, but you couldn’t find the strength to. It was like your whole body was paralyzed in a fatal position with your muscles locked and your eyes open but unseeing.

Case after case came, and each day it got harder. You had to try and perfect a mask you were getting tired of wearing, tired of hiding behind. You couldn’t skip work, lest you wanted to feel like more of a failure than you already did sometimes.

You felt scared to admit to your struggles, half unsure what your struggles were to begin with, half unwilling to unload on others. You were willing to suffer and fight this on your own until you either had nothing left to fight against or no strength left to fight at all.

Your mind was working overtime, half empty and dark, half full and constantly spinning, you didn’t even process the foreign sound at first. Only it wasn’t so foreign - a series of gentle raps or someone’s knuckles against the door. Knocking. They were just enough to alert you of a newcoming presence but not disturb you or others in any way.

You didn’t move a muscle. Even when two more knocks followed, even more gentle than the first, all you could do was blink. Even with the soft call of your name that came seconds later, you couldn’t find the strength to answer or even get up. You couldn’t even twitch.

You stood there frozen in place, in time. Frozen between the walls of a prison of your own mind’s making.

The knocks stopped, as did the voice calling out your name, maybe finally resigned to the fact you weren’t answering at all.

Giving up on you the way you’d given up on yourself.

You would be surprised if you didn’t feel a tiny bit of relief at being left on your own. Too bad the relief didn’t actually last long - just seconds after the lock beeped, signaling it was unlocked, and the door was slowly opening, bathing the room in the hallway light.

Even with the small, hesitant steps this person took, you were instantly able to tell by the sounds of his feet hitting the wooden floor who it was.

“Did you know it’s actually illegal to break into someone’s space?” Your voice came out raspy from misuse. You weren’t sure how much time had actually passed since you made it to your room, but if you had to guess, probably several hours had gone by.

“I do know that actually, it’s criminal law 101.” He retorted before you felt the mattress dip close to your feet, “You missed dinner.” He mussed.

A part of you couldn’t handle having a conversation with him, not right now. Not in the complete darkness, and the quiet stretched between you both.

“I wasn’t hungry.” You answered simply. You waited for him to say something, and you waited and waited, and he wasn’t saying anything. It was like he was looking for the right words to use, so as not to offend you, or set you off. But you wouldn’t feel any of it if he did - just as the night was dark outside and so was your mind.

“Just spit it out, Hotch.” You finally used a part of his name, unintentionally closing the distance the smallest bit even when you tried to stay away. Maybe subconsciously you knew you could trust him, if a little.

“You’re not doing well.”

You didn’t even hesitate. “Wow, way to show you aren't actually a gentleman.”

“I’m not trying to...” You could almost see him shaking his head, so in tune with his reactions from years of working alongside him, “I’m worried about you.” It left him in a whisper, like he was afraid to admit it.

“I’m okay, there’s no need.” You denied it like it was your biggest defense against his accusations. Except they weren’t that, genuine worry dripped along with his words, but you had a hard time accepting it. You couldn’t, didn’t want to. Being vulnerable, especially in front of him, could cost you a lot, and with the way you’ve been living, you couldn’t afford it.

Even when deep in your heart you trusted him with everything, even yourself.

You felt him place his hand on the duvet, enclasping his palm around your calf. “You were okay five weeks ago, and you haven’t been since then. I’ve been watching you wear a mark and barely holding yourself from falling apart. I don’t think ‘okay’ applies right now.”

“I thought we promised not to profile each other.” You muttered brokenly, feeling parts of the mask he was talking about cracking in places. It was like having him so close, peeling your outer layers slowly, and leaving you exposed, finally making your emotional reactions coincide with your lack of understanding. It was like he was exposing all of you both to himself and you too.

“Not at the expense of suffering in silence, we didn’t.” He answered with conviction, no hesitation. He was making it apparent your wellbeing was more important to him than any promise he might have made to you or others. He was letting you know he was prioritizing your health over everything else.

He understood you even without you having to say anything. Just by watching you try to swim to the surface of the ocean and still being pushed by the crashing waves, he could already feel that you were struggling.

He could see you were self-isolating, even when you were being surrounded by people. He picked up on the signs in the subtle subject changes you made whenever someone asked anything about you. You were unwilling to share, even though you loved sharing any little detail about your interest, allowing others to do the same.

You let Garcia talk about her software and cute animals and allowed Reid to share any little fact with you he could. But even when you listened, it wasn’t hard to see you really weren’t. Staring into spaces or faking an interest, even though he knew you would be interested in the first place, had there not been anything amis to begin with.

And slowly piece after piece had started falling together, like a puzzle started, yet left abandoned.

In the darkness of the hotel room, miles away from your home and mere doors down from the rest of your team, a piece deep inside you started longing for the understanding he was offering. It started building up with worry over the reality of the words you knew you needed to say but were too scared to. It started wishing for a new slate, where the overwhelming amount of confusion and empty darkness no longer followed you like a shadow.

It slowly started coming to terms with the fact that you weren’t enough to fight this on your own and that maybe you needed help to do so.

For the first time in weeks, months, who knew, maybe even years, you wanted to talk about it. You wanted to admit to your state of mind where reality got mangled with your deepest darkest thoughts imaginable, where self-doubt and the feeling of worthlessness took over. Where giving up sounded so much better than trying out again. Where any positivity was instantly turned into negativity whether you liked it or not.

For the first time you craved being helped, you wanted to understand your own struggles and get better. You wanted to thrive in the life you were living instead of settling for simply existing. You wanted to talk, and you wanted to tell him all that.

You rolled your lips between your teeth before you bit down until you tasted blood. One of your hands barely made it out from underneath the warmth of the duvet before you grabbed into the bedding with a tight fist.

“I don’t think I’m doing okay, Aaron.” You whispered into the darkness. The bed dipped and groaned as he moved closer, settling just centimeters away from your cocoon this time. You were so busy looking over the skyline that you didn’t even see his hand move until you felt his warm palm overtop your skin. He held onto you, trying to prompt you into releasing the bedding, tapping his fingers in a gentle manner.

He was offering you comfort without really saying or doing anything. He was letting you try and put your thoughts together before you entrusted him with the truth.

“One minute I’m good, and the next it feels like I lose all touch with my own self and my feelings - It’s all empty, or an overwhelming amount of sadness I couldn’t begin to even understand. I can’t even grasp what prompts this sudden change. I’ve tried fighting it for so long, years maybe, and each time it comes back, I’m left feeling more hopeless than the last.” You explained in a small voice.

A wave of relief, if small, rocked your whole body. There was something freeling about saying it out loud, ignoring the fear of admitting that had followed you for years.

“Have you ever told anyone about it?” His voice was just another shadow in the room. A timbre so calm, quiet, and soothing that you knew he was listening with no reservations and no judgments. Just a pure need to help.

You went to shake your head, but remembered you were both still looking towards the window. “I’ve always played it off as a joke. I’ve never let it sound like I really mean it. Not like I do right now.” It was one of the many truths you’d admitted to that night. Even when you played it off, you knew deep inside it was a small cry for help you didn’t want to. You were unwilling to take the right steps in order to get the help you needed.

“Why joke about it?” You thought about it for a second, trying to clear out the fog of the past.

“I guess…” Your fingers clenched underneath his own. “I guess I just wanted to see if anyone cared enough to ask if I was serious. They didn’t.” Realistically, you knew you shouldn’t wait on other people or expect them to see something amiss before you looked for help. But a part deep enough inside you wanted the reassurance that someone loved you enough to notice.

“But you want to get help?” He mumbled, still tapping his finger against your own.

“Yes.” You didn’t even have to think about it. You owed yourself that much, and all the help possible you could get.

“Okay.” He exhaled in relief, “As soon as we get back, we’ll start looking, yeah?”

“Yeah.” You whispered. You felt his hand squeeze your own in reassurance. You turned your palm up, enveloped his own hand, and gave him one back, “Thank you, Aaron.”

A few minutes of looking at the starless sky passed before he prompted you to move, if just enough to walk into the bathroom and wash your face - and you did. When you came back, he’d made himself comfortable leaning against the headboard, legs stretched on the mattress.

He spent the night sleeping in yesterday’s clothes, trying to make sure you were doing okay and weren’t left feeling lonely.

You knew there was a long path ahead of you - the path to self-understanding and acceptance of your own flaws and struggles, as well as the changes you may need to adapt to moving forward. Something you were undoubtedly going to have a hard time with. Where you’d need to fight against the days when you questioned whether it was worth it. Where you’d slowly have to come to terms with the fact that as long as you were making yourself happy and keeping yourself afloat, there wasn’t anything worth more.

The path to recovery was never supposed to be easy or linear, but you had him to thank for being the final push. You had to be thankful for each minute of the time he gave you. And each grain of love he showed you in the process.

You needed the help - for yourself, your past, your present, and your future self. And for every second you spent failing to understand the person you were and the feelings you held onto.

#aaron hotchner x fem!reader #hotch x reader #aaron hotchner angst #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner fanfic #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner one shot #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotchner x you #hotch x you #hotchner x reader #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds angst

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serverusslaype · 5 months

Text

Shameless, pt. 15

Severus Snape x professor!reader fic

Shameless Masterpost

hey guys.................. dont kill me. i'm so sorry for the incredibly lengthy hiatus.... i had no motivation, each time i opened the file to type i'd type a couple words, maybe a paragraph and close it. i finally found the motivation to finish this chapter recently, i'm hoping it stays. it's been a rough couple months, so hoping this can help me feel a bit better!!

i felt really guilty for sort of abandoning the fic where it was, but i couldn't force myself to write anything, there was no creative juice, i think i sort of burnt myself out. and for the previous posts saying i was back, i thought i was, but i'd have the smallest spark of inspiration and try to write, but then nothing happened, and i felt bad so i didn't want to say something like, sorry, i lied. :(

hopefully this chapter is okay, i know most of you won't like it, but i'm so glad i finally finished it, it was one of the hardest to write because i had so many ideas on how it'd end and effect the whole story itself, so i had to make sure it made sense.

i can't believe you guys are still here after so long, it made me emotional to see all of your asks and comments and likes, i was just floored to be honest, so thank you so much for your unwavering support. i love you all so so much. honestly. holy shit. this has been a journey. <3 i hope you guys are all doing brilliantly.

warnings: lack of snape, swearing, mentions of adultery, slight domestic violence, verbal abuse at the end

You didn't know where to go. You felt... lost. You couldn't exactly go back to your quarters, not with Ben there, you didn't need more questions about why you were crying your eyes out at this time of night. It's not like you could tell him the truth.

So, you did what anyone would: go for a midnight walk. Well, at least that's what you thought anyone would do when they had nowhere to go. You'd hoped that the fresh, cold air would soothe your burning lungs, and the gentle breeze would dry your teary eyes. In an even deeper, darker part of your mind, you also hoped that Black would find you. Perhaps that would make everything... easier.

With tears still streaming freely from your eyes and heavy feet, you padded towards the large, magnificent doors that led to the outside with your arms wrapped around your body tightly; trying your best not to breakdown until you were alone. Your hands were still shaking as you pushed them against the doors, opening it a tad as the cool wind blew through the crack and into your face. You gasped a little at the sharp breeze, but nonetheless you slipped out, and made your way into the courtyard. The temperature was a little more biting than you had anticipated, and so you squeezed your arms around yourself a little tighter, walking towards the infamous wooden, crooked bridge.

As you sauntered through the courtyard, the only noises you heard were the owls hooting in the distance, the gentle breeze brushing through the burnt-amber leaved trees and the faint clack of your heels against the cobblestoned ground. In all honesty, it did feel a little eerie to the say the least, but at this very moment that was the least of your worries. All you wanted was a little time alone to cry, or grieve what could have been with ...Severus.

Gods, it hurt to even think his name, let alone speak it.

You reached the wooden bridge, and you stopped in the middle of it; leaning against the intricately carved columns to gaze out at the highlands. The moonlight casted a gorgeous glaze-like reflection upon the Black Lake, and it twinkled beautifully, almost hypnotising you like an illusion. Your eyes flicked up to the moon and glanced around it, staring at the glittering stars surrounding it like a perfect painting. Only times like this did you miss teaching Astronomy. As your mind reeled back to your first year teaching at Hogwarts, you relished in the time where you did not know the man named Severus Snape, and suddenly your heart sank in your chest like an anchor dropped at sea. You were so naive back then, unknowing of what was to come.

As the memories of you and Severus flooded your mind like a dam breaking, you let yourself cry. You could still feel his lips on yours, his fingertips gently tracing the curves and grooves of your skin, the words he'd whispered into your ear - it was all there, stained on your skin, like a tattoo - or perhaps a branding. And now you had to live with it. You weren't sure if you'd survive this time, especially not with how deeply you felt for him. You were torn between pretending he didn't exist and trying to talk to him, perhaps even telling him how you felt, but truth be told you were petrified of how he'd react. Would he even look at you again with those glittering black eyes you'd come to adore so hopelessly? Would he dare speak to you again, knowing that he'd charmed you? Maybe he'd relish in the fact that he'd done so, take pride in bewitching you, and make you hurt for it. You knew Snape could be rather cruel, your school days here with him as your teacher was enough for you to know that.

All these unanswered questions swam through your head and you felt yourself becoming suffocated from them, and it suddenly felt as if your lungs had filled with water, drowning you. You sobbed helplessly as you slid down the wooden wall behind you with your hands against your face, the rough edges scratching your back through your clothes rather uncomfortably.

"Y/N?" A voice came from beside you, and you froze. You turned your head away from them and quickly used your sleeve to wipe your eyes, drying the tears that had fallen from them. Only one person has a voice as soft as the one you had just heard.

You gave yourself a moment to gather yourself before even attempting to use your voice.

"Hello, Remus." You croaked quietly, sniffling.

"What on Earth are you doing out here so late?" He questioned gently, and you heard him take a step towards you. "Are you alright?"

"Quite dandy," you sarcastically quipped, sighing deeply, "I'm brilliant..." You turned your head to face him, and immediately, his face softened at the sight of your own. You were sat up against the side of the bridge, knees up against your chest and your arms wrapped around them; nose and eyes red, wet with tears. Remus quickly dropped down to his knees beside you, placing a soothing hand upon your forearm.

"What happened?" Remus asked, careful to keep his voice quiet and soft. With empty eyes, you stared into his worried ones, and instantly you felt terrible. The last thing you wanted was people worrying over you.

You looked away, down at the ground. "I..." you mumbled, sighing, "it's a... long... story." You spoke slowly. From the corner of your eye, you saw a small smile quirk up on Remus's lips.

"I've got time, my dear." He replied as his thumb brushed your forearm, silently encouraging you to talk. You felt at ease in Remus's presence, it was almost like he had a calm aura around him, and naturally your body relaxed beside his. You took a deep breath.

"Erm," you choked, sniffling again, "it's Se... Snape." You couldn't bring yourself to say his first name without crumbling into a million pieces.

Remus let out a gentle breath. "Snape, of course," He tutted, glancing between you and the ground. "What's he done?" The fact that Remus reacted like he had expected Snape to have hurt you, further broke your heart. Were you the only one to have seen through his icy exterior?

"Broken my heart," You laughed dryly, and you had to fight back another bout of tears. Remus's brows furrowed in confusion at you. "We... I... Look, I'm not sure how to explain this to you. But... I fell..." You trailed off, unable to finish your sentence. Your heart hurt too much. You only hoped that Remus knew what you were about to say.

Remus blinked and stared at you, shocked. Clearly, the two of you had hidden your 'relationship' well - so well that everyone was oblivious to it. "You fell...?" He frowned.

"In love... with him..." You almost whispered, avoiding Remus's eyes. You weren't sure if you'd be able to handle the look in them.

"You're in love with... Severus?" Remus repeated, and you squeezed your eyes shut at his words. They were like daggers, stabbing your bleeding heart. It was almost like you could feel it trembling inside of your chest, begging you to free it from this cycle of torment. "But... Aren't you with... Ben? And... Severus... he's..."

"I know," you sighed, noticing his confusion, "I had feelings for Severus before I met Ben. And it sort of just, like, spiralled out of control, and now, erm, here I am- Gods, I should have just listened to Minerva, I wouldn't be here right now, hurting like this." You ranted, another strangled sob leaving your throat. Remus watched you, and his eyes softened. He felt terrible for you. "She warned me, Remus, why didn't I just listen to her?!" You cried, letting your head fall into your hands.

"Y/N," Remus whispered, reaching out a cautious hand to pry your face from your hands. With a soft gasp, you looked up with teary eyes, and he wiped a stray tear from your cheek. "We don't get to choose who we do and don't fall in love with. We follow our hearts blindly, most of the time, unknowingly." He said, and moved his hand from your wet cheek to your shoulder, rubbing it soothingly. "It's beyond our control who we love."

There was a moment of silence.

"...What do I do, Remus?" You sobbed softly, sniffling, looking at your knees.

"Have you told him?"

"No."

"I think you should."

"But what about Ben? Shouldn't I... deal with... that first?" You sniffled again. "And what if Severus doesn't feel the same way about me? Then what?"

Remus paused for a moment, thinking. You looked up at him. "What if he does?" He said, a small, comforting smile tickling his lips as he stared at you.

"Well- from the way he treated me earlier... I truly doubt it, Remus." You scoffed, glancing away from his pitying brown eyes.

Remus sighed, and you clenched your jaw. "Regret is a terrible thing, Y/N," he said, "it's such a short word, yet it stretches on forever." Your eyes were glued on the ground and your body was still, but your mind was running a million miles an hour.

You sat there in silence for a short moment, thinking deeply. Remus was right. You'd regret it for the rest of your life if you didn't tell Severus how you felt. That chance of him reciprocating your feelings was small, but it was still there. If he didn't feel the same, fine, you'd move on. Eventually. And if he did?...

"...Alright," You nodded sheepishly. "I'll tell him. I just... need to, erm, work out when and more specifically, how. Like, do I just straight up blurt it out? Work my way up to it? H-how do you know it's the right time?" You rambled with tears still falling from your eyes, glancing through them at Remus who sat beside you with a soft expression upon his features.

"You'll know." Was all he said before slowly standing and holding out a hand for you to take. Graciously, you took it, and Remus pulled you to your feet. "Feel better?" He hummed, casting a glance out at the moon, then a worried look suddenly struck his eyes. You noticed and frowned slightly at his behaviour.

The moon?

"A little." You forced a smile upon your lips, and lifted up a hand to wipe the remaining stray tears upon your red cheeks. Remus looked back at you, and returned your smile. "How come you were out so late?" You asked curiously, brushing off his odd reaction to seeing a moon.

"A walk in the night does me good," Remus shrugged, and began to walk back towards the castle with you beside him. "Clears my head."

"Ah, well, I suppose I'm glad you found me, then." You chuckled awkwardly, folding your arms against your chest.

Remus smiled at you and placed an arm around your shoulders, giving you a squeeze. "Let's get you back to your quarters, Y/N, you look like an ice block." He hummed and lead you back to the castle, but not before throwing another glance over his shoulder to the almost-full-moon.

Faint, footsteps trailed down an empty corridor, and a billowing black cape followed with it. As Severus marched, his chest felt horribly heavy, almost like there was a boulder chained to it, weighing him down. He couldn't figure out why he felt like this, and it was starting to make him a little irate. He knew it was something to do with you since it had started after you'd stormed out of his office.

As Severus was about to round a corner, the sound of familiar, sweet laughter rattled through his bones, and immediately he froze. Without a doubt, he knew it was you. Only you could have laughter that sounded like the sweet songs that birds chirped in the summer mornings. The breath in his lungs suddenly vanished and he quickly swooped himself behind a bookcase, poking his head out from the side of it to see who you were with.

The moment you appeared, that boulder chained to his chest became heavier, and he felt himself lean against the bookcase he hid behind. Severus's eyes widened as they glued themselves to the man beside you - Remus Lupin. His blood boiled at the sight.

What could have Lupin have said to make you laugh like that? He'd only heard you laugh like that when you were with him, not Lupin.

From a distance, he couldn't make out what the two of you were talking about, but it was obviously hilarious. Severus's jaw clenched as he watched Lupin place a hand upon the small of your back, guiding you.

Guiding you... inside your quarters?

Snape hissed silently to himself as he stared, his sharp and hardened eyes welded to the back of Lupin's head like molten metal. As your door shut, Snape could only huff in disgust with bared teeth. What were the two of you doing in there? It was past midnight and you and Lupin seemed happy as Larry to go into your quarters. Snape couldn't bear the idea of you and Lupin alone together - let alone the fact that Lupin had had his damned, grubby paws on you. Severus clenched his jaw in a violent fashion, very clearly upset at how you'd moved on so quickly, especially with another professor at Hogwarts. Was this your thing? Bewitch every lonely professor that you laid your wretched eyes upon and then move onto the next? Did it make you feel better about yourself in some fucked up way?

An uneasy, bitter feeling twisted inside of his chest as he pictured the two of you alone and he whipped around out of spite; the swoosh of his long, black cloak filling the silent hallway. How could you move on so quickly, so... easily?

"Never did I think I'd see the day that someone told me they fell in love with a man like Severus Snape." Remus laughed softly as he waddled to your sofa, glancing at you as if to ask if it was alright to sit. You nodded at him.

"And yet here we are." You hummed with a flat mouth, clearly not as amused as your friend was. "Sometimes I wish I was as emotionally guarded as he was, but then I remember how bloody miserable that would be." You mumbled, earning an abrupt laugh from Lupin who'd settled on the couch with a soft sigh.

Ben was nowhere to be seen, so you assumed he was asleep in the bedroom.

"Severus is an interesting character, most definitely," Lupin nodded and you turned around, walking towards him to join him on the sofa. "And I applaud you for being able to tame him. If it's any consolation, only one other woman had been able to, though I think it was... unintentional, if you will."

"Unintentional?" You questioned, your tone curious. Though almost instantly, that curiosity was killed as the thought of Severus with another woman stabbed at your fragile heart. "Actually, I'm not sure if I want to hear this right now." A dry laugh slipped from your lips and you exhaled sharply as another wave of tears prickled at your waterline.

"Alright." Lupin said softly, taking notice of your quivering voice. He stood up with a breathy groan and shuffled towards you, slinking an arm around your shoulders to pull you into his chest. It was calming, and the way he hugged you reminded you of all the times your parents would comfort you as a child. As Lupin gave you a supportive squeeze, it was as if he'd accidently pushed the button for the waterworks - hot tears began to stream down your cheeks once again, and you sobbed quietly into his wrinkled shirt.

"Hey," Lupin sighed as he watched your shoulders shake with sorrow. His hand sat on the top of your arm, squeezing it gently: a dire attempt at consoling you. "Don't cry, Y/N, it'll pass."

"Idon'twantitto-" You mumbled into his shirt, sniffling loudly. Lupin's brows furrowed together in confusion as he paused for a brief moment, silently trying to decipher what you'd just said.

"What?" He asked gently, leaning his head down so he could hear you a little better. You lifted your head from him, sighing, another heartbreaking sniffle sneaking out of your reddened nose.

"I don't want it to." You repeated yourself, lifting a hand up to wipe your wet eyes lazily.

"I know. But it will." Lupin sighed too. "Severus is... a very... damaged man," He cringed slightly at his choice of words, but he continued, "I'm not even sure that you could help him- or fix him."

At this point, you were staring soullessly at the floor, and the only thing you could feel was Lupin's chest against your shoulders. Were you and Severus really a lost case? You felt like you'd made so much progress, he'd opened up to you, he'd... he also ran away again. Perhaps your friend Remus is right.

"I think I want to be alone." You suddenly blurted out, slowly glancing up at the professor with glossy, red eyes. Lupin blinked at you, confused for a moment, though he quickly came to. He didn't blame you for saying such a thing - you'd just had your heart ripped out, to put it simply.

Remus didn't say anything, he only nodded, offering you a kind, yet pitiful smile - and that hurt you slightly. You didn't want his pity, in fact, you didn't want anyone's pity. "If you need anything, you know where to find me." He muttered, brushing a hand through your hair softly. You shut your eyes for a moment and sighed, a small gush of guilt filling your body. Here Lupin was, trying to console you, and you're kicking him out. You hoped he didn't take it personally.

"I'm sorry, I... I just need to be alone." You quickly offered. Remus shook his head and frowned at you.

"No, I understand. See you in the morning, Y/N. Feel better soon." The professor smiled at you and this time it wasn't rich with pity, but kindness. He tipped his head at you and began to shuffle his way towards the door, opening it with a quiet creak from the oak. Before he disappeared out of your chambers, Remus turned around and smiled at you once more, slipping away.

Seconds after the door shut, a drowsy-looking Ben opened your bedroom door, popping his head out. He squinted at the bright light, clearly having just woken up. That settled your nerves slightly, since you'd just spoken about Severus with Remus, only a few metres away from Ben.

"Are you crying?" Ben yawned, his bushy brows furrowed in either confusion or annoyance - at this point you couldn't tell.

"No," You coughed and turned around to pretend to do something else as you wiped at your eyes. "I'm fine, go back to bed, Ben." A curt sigh fell from your lips, and almost immediately you heard footsteps padding closer to you. "I'm fine." You repeated, listening as his feet stopped behind you.

"What happened?" Ben asked, the tiniest hint of sympathy in his voice made you shiver slightly.

"Nothing, it was just a rough day at work, honestly. I'd rather not talk about it." Your brows shot together as you tried to keep the tears at bay, but you couldn't help but think about Severus as Ben placed a hand on your waist in an attempt to pry you away from the countertop and towards him. You didn't want anyone else's hands on you but his.

"Hey," Ben said softly, though it felt heavy in your chest. "It's work. It won't matter in a day or two." You were silent. "Y/N?"

"I need a drink." You muttered and forced yourself to look at Ben, cringing slightly as you walked past him and towards a glossy wooden cabinet in the corner of your chambers. You rarely drank, and if you did, it was to either celebrate something, or forget something.

Another uncomfortable silence fell on top of the pair of you.

"Want one?" You asked with no emotion in your voice.

Ben hesitated for a moment, his groggy eyes staring at the back of your figure, silently trying to deduce you. "...Sure."

You were going to regret this.

You'd changed into comfier clothes, more specifically a pair of forest green silk shorts and a matching camisole top. Sitting on the edge of your bed, you faced Ben as he was sat on the windowsill opposite you, nursing his glass of wine. After a few strong sips, the pair of you were chatting and reminiscing like old pals. "Remember that time when I turned Peter Kipling into a weasel in McGonagall's class?" Ben giggled drunkenly, elbowing you gently as you nodded with tears in your eyes, an amused grin spread across your face.

"Oh my- I forgot about that!" You wheezed, smacking your lips together. "Didn't you get... like... at least- like a month's detention for that?" You laughed, slurring, taking another sip of your glass of Elven wine. You winced slightly at the strong aftertaste as it burned your throat. That was to be your last drink, you couldn't take much more.

"Ohh, yeah, I d-id," Ben hiccuped, his laughter dying out as he sighed; his tired eyes falling onto you. Shuffling under his gaze, you felt slightly uncomfortable. A brief yet thick silence suddenly engulfed the two of you like a slow-burning fire. Ben stood from where he'd been sat, stumbling over to where you were, stopping just in front of your knees.

"I miss talkin' to you, Y/N." He sighed, taking his hand and placing it upon your cheek; carressing the apple of it with his rough thumb. The strong scent of alcohol on his breath made you gag a tad - you were drunk as well, but the smell of it wasn't pleasant, especially from his mouth.

Your breath hitched slightly at the sudden contact.

"..Yeah." You answered quietly albeit awkwardly as you stared up at Ben. Though, all the wine you'd consumed was making him look like someone... else - the darkness wasn't helping either, in fact it was fueling your hallucinations. The dark cast of a shadow from the lit candles behind him made his nose appear larger, and his cheekbones a little more pronounced.

Slowly, he crouched down until you two were eye-level, his hands slipping to your ankles. Your body stiffened slightly at the feeling. "Ben.." You warned, sighing as the drunk buzz and pleasurable tingle from the pads of his fingers was starting to cloud your mind.

"Whaat?" He whispered, heavy-lidded eyes still glued to yours as his fingers began to trail up your calves. Ben began to stand up slightly, pushing his face dangerously close to yours, and so you leant backwards to avoid him, your back gradually making contact with the bed. He shuffled forwards slightly, pressing a knee against the edge of the bed to balance himself.

You shouldn't be doing this, you knew that, but Gods, the alcohol was truly fucking with your morals and mind.

Would it hurt?

Just a little... taste...?

You shut your eyes as you became lost in the feeling; his fingers reaching the backs of your soft thighs, a breathy sigh falling from your lips. Slowly, you opened your eyes again as Ben's smalelr nose pressed into your neck, followed by his wet lips. You gasped as his hands found your torso, his fingers pressing a little too harshly into your flesh.

Severus.

Memories of him suddenly flooded your mind like a reservoir breaking a dam, flushing out anything that didn't embody him. All the times Severus had attacked your supple flesh beautifully; pulling gorgeous moans from those pink lips of yours. Your brows furrowed together as your body silently yearned for his touch. It hurt.

You were stuck between stopping this and just shamelessly indulging in the dark, twisted fantasy of pretending that Ben was Severus. You were being so selfish. And yet, you didn't care, all of the emotional turmoil that you'd been through tonight was pushing you to the edge - all you wanted was the man who didn't love you, who only saw you as a quick fuck, maybe some midnight company.

You shut your eyes again and tried your best to imagine him. With a sigh, you ran your hand up Ben's neck and into his hair, though it wasn't the same. You missed the way you'd tangle your fingers in his raven-black locks, gripping on it as he'd ravish your neck and breasts like some mad professional. Sighing frustratedly, you moved your hands down to his shoulders, expecting the rough, black fabric of Severus's robes, and yet you were met with the flimsy, thin fabric of Ben's white cotton t-shirt.

You felt so fucking pathetic.

Knock, knock.

You froze, eyes snapping open as quick as lightning. Was there someone at the door?

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Ben groaned drunkenly as he continued to kiss your neck. Unfortunately for him, the feeling had worn off the second you heard those knocks.

"The knocks at the door."

"You're.. imag-ining things, baby." Ben sighed and hiccuped once more, his uncomfortably hot breath on your neck made you shiver. At this point, Ben was much more drunk than you, and so with your remaining energy, you rolled him off of you. "Whoa- heey-!" He groaned as you slipped from underneath him, padding to the door. You didn't bother to check if he was alright, the only thing on your mind was who was at your door at this time of night.

Was it him? Did you want it to be him?

Reluctantly, you reached out your hand to open the door.

Nobody was there.

You frowned and leaned forwards, poking your head out to glance around. The corridor was empty, completely empty. That was incredibly weird, did you imagine those knocks? You sighed softly - perhaps you were a little disapppointed. Turning around, you shut the door, only to be faced with Ben sat sloppily in a chair with a face like thunder.

"Waitin' for someone?" He asked with a flat tone, his head lazily cocked to one side, still clearly drunk.

"What?"

"You know what I'm talkin' abou', Y/N." Ben said with the same tone, standing up, albeit unsteadily. You swallowed as he inched closer towards you, dragging his feet, your toes burying themselves against the hard wooden floor beneath your feet. "I know about the notes you kept. From him." He spat, pointing his finger at your face. Your heart instantly began to gallop; the pounding of its beats echoed in your ears like a harrowing scream in the night.

The notes...

"Excuse me?" You choked out, brows furrowing together in complete shock.

This was not how you wanted this to go down.

"I went through yer little drawers. In yer greenhouse," Ben scowled, his nose turning upwards in what you could only describe as disgust. "All of his little notes were perfectly preserved, and mine? Well-" Your mind was running so quickly that you could barely even listen to what he was saying - the fact that he went behind your back and invaded your privacy was the only thing sticking out to you as of right now. Your skin felt like it was on fire as the anger began to flood your veins.

"You went through my drawers, Ben?!" You yelled, shoving a finger in his face.

"That's the only thing you care abou'?! Not the fact that you secretly- obviously, have some sort of fucked up... thing for a man who treats people like they're the tiniest bit of shit on 'is shoe?!" Ben screamed back drunkenly as he bared his teeth, stomping towards you and smacking your finger away. "The fuck is wrong withya?"

You knew this could get ugly quite quickly, especially as Ben was drunk - a lot drunker than you. But at this moment, your anger was far too hot to even think about cooling things down.

You scoffed at him, your lips twitching upwards into a disgusted sneer. "What the fuck is wrong with you?! Going through my stuff?!" You shouted at him, taking a step backwards as he began to get a little too close for comfort. "That's not okay, Ben!"

"How long has it been going on?" Ben asked, his tone suddenly calm. That put you on edge.

You paused for a moment, pondering on his question. It was probably best that you didn't answer that. "We're done here, Ben." You clenched your jaw, silently readying yourself for some sort of explosion.

"How long, Y/N?!" Ben yelled. The way the whites of his eyes were basically screaming at you made you feel terrified. In this current moment, there was only one pair of arms that you wish you were being held in. The man in front of you backed you up to the door, and you could only stare at him, for your wand was foolishly placed inside the pockets of your robes hung in your bedroom. Tears burned in your eyes as the guilt you'd tucked away was finally waking up and holding your body hostage with it's incredibly heavy weight. "Did you fuck 'im? Is that why ya never slept wit'me for months? Because you were too ...busy being his fucktoy?" Ben slurred, his face red and lips wet with saliva from how he'd been shouting.

"Shut up!" You cried at Ben as the tears began to break free from you and run down your cheeks like melting diamonds. This was so not the way you wanted this to go. "Please, just stop!" You were sobbing at this point as his words pierced your heart, quickly reminding you of what Severus truly thought of you.

"Oh, fuck sake, stop with the cryin'," Ben growled, drunkenly shoving a hand into your shoulder, sending you barreling backwards and into the door. You winced slightly as the bone of your shoulder blade made contact with the metal bar on your door. "Whiny bitch, yer the one in the wrong, not me!" He grumbled with a heavy sigh, turning away from you.

"Shit, Ben-" You gasped as you leaned forwards and pushed yourself off of the door, however, a sharp and excruciating pain shot across your shoulder as you tried to move it. "What the hell were you thinking?!" You whined, stumbling to the countertops of your kitchenette to lean on it. Your shoulder was fucking killing you.

"Me? What was I fuckin' thinkin'?!" A sarcastic, manic laugh fell from his lips and immediately you regretted your choice of words. The man spun on his heel, and suddenly he donned a wand in his hand. Now, you were scared for your life. "You're one to talk... you know what... I'm going to have you fired... yeah... blacklisted. From every job in this fuckin' area! That'll teach you to be a whore!" Ben screamed the last word so loudly that you were sure every sleeping student and teacher heard it. Your jaw ticked, and you had to look away, your face painted an embarrassed shade of scarlet.

Your heart dropped at his words. No way was this happening.

"You can't do that." You whispered, tears still streaming from your eyes as you stared at the ground.

"I work at the Ministry, darlin', anything is possible."

"Fuck you."

"What did you just say t'me?"

"Fuck you!" You cried out hoarsely with one hand on your shoulder and the other gripping the countertop. An animalistic like growl fell from your ex-boyfriend as he stormed towards you, fury burning bright in his eyes. He raised his wand, and you squeezed your eyes shut, bracing yourself for some sort of spell to hit you.

"Stupefy!" A familiar voice commanded, the swish of a spell following it suit. Then, a loud thud.

Reluctantly, you opened your eyes to see Ben laying on the floor, unconscious in a pool of his own saliva. Your chest heaved with fear, and you were incredibly scared to look up to see who had come to your rescue. Frozen, you stood still in your place, though you could feel your knees beginning to buckle. Within seconds you were on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably, your lungs on fire from how harshly you were breathing. Merlin, you could've just died.

uh oh.. who saved her?

i'm sorry if you weren't tagged, i went through the majority of my notes and tried to find you all!! pls forgive me :( there was a lot due to my absence <3

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