#they were my first healthy adult relationship I saw as a child so it feels fucking hard to turn away

[philsmeatylegss]

*Types into search bar*

“How to still be an active fan of a creator when previously being an obsessive fan for most of your teens because they were one of the few good things keeping you from killing yourself in middle school so now trying to become a more casual fan feels like a betrayal and I cannot get into new fandoms because the high I got in middle school from the extreme emotion switch cannot be replicated both because I’m literally twenty and I’m far from suicidal so now and I love these creators with my whole heart and still engage with all of their new content but I want to move on while also still being a fan but I just can’t?”

[daenysthedreamer101]

Youngest Original ~ TVDU

Mikaelson!OC headcanons

Elijah's relationship with Kassandra

Their relationship is my Roman Empire! I'll write for the other siblings as well, but Elijah goes first since he's my fave (and kassie's lol)

Masterlist

Elijah remembers the day Kassie was born very well (also he was like 10 btw)

It was a bright and sunny day, despite it being autumn

He wondered if it would be another girl, since their mother gave birth to Rebekah only a year prior

Klaus and Kol were saying it would be a boy, but deep down he wished for another sister

He was with his brothers, training with wooden swords under their father's supervision

Then, Ayana, his mother's friend came down running toward them

"Good news, Mikael! It's another healthy girl!"

He remembers holding her for the first time, her little face red and wrinkly

"What shall we name her, Elijah?" His mother asked him softly

Elijah thought about a name and said the first one that came to his mind

"Kassandra. Like the Greek Princess from your stories"

As he was much older than them, Elijah was quite protective of his little sisters

He remembers Kassie asking their father if she could also train with a sword and later he comforted her when their father yelled at her

As a child (even as an adult) Kassie was scared of thunder. Often when there was a storm brewing, she would hide in Elijah's arm

Many times, little Kassandra would be plagued by nightmares

She was too scared to wake up her parents so instead she would wake up Elijah

With teary eyes she would shake the dark-haired boy and ask if she could sleep in his arms

He never refused her

Elijah also remembers the day Kassie died, because, well, they died together

After the death of their youngest brother Henrik, his parents started acting strange

One fateful night, everything changed

He and Kassie were put in a room and told to wait. Elijah had a bad feeling about the whole thing

Their father came into the house, closed the door, and stared at them

"Father? What's happening?" Kassie asked quietly

Elijah's heart dropped when their father pulled out his sword and lunged toward Kassie

Elijah stood in front of Kassie, shielding her as their father plunged the blade of his sword into his heart

The last memory of Elijah's human life was the screams of his little sister echoing in his ears

Kassie screamed as she fell to her knees. She was in too much shock to defend herself.

She felt the blade piercing her chest and fell next to Elijah

Her last memory was the sight of her brother's dead body

In the early days of their new life, Elijah tried his best to keep everyone under control

Out of everyone, Kassie seemed to struggle the most with their new vampiric urges

She had a hard time accepting the fact that to survive, she had to kill innocent people

Over time, they learned to feed without killing

Kassie would never admit but Elijah was most definitely her favorite brother

Elijah, ever the peace holder, refused to admit Kassie was his favorite sibling

The others knew well that she, in fact, was his favorite sibling

Bookworms, both of them lol

They would spend countless hours in libraries, reading together and discussing the current state of the world

She almost sees him as a father figure, since Mikael wasn't the best father to any of them really

Forehead kisses! So many forehead kisses!

Kassie always had a gentle heart and her vampirism only magnified that

Elijah would always shield and defend Kassie from Klaus when the latter would raise his voice at her

One look into her big blue eyes and her pouty lips and this man is crumbling (see gif above lol)

She knows she has Elijah (and Klaus) wrapped around her little finger

She's aware that manipulating her brothers using their love for her isn't the right thing to do, but a girl sometimes has to use morally dubious means to make her life easier

"Elijah?"

"Yes?"

"Can you give me your credit card? I saw these really cute boots, I have to have them! Please???" She asks while batting her eyelashes

*he sighs and pulls out his wallet*

*she squeals and kisses him on the cheek*

"You're the best brother in the whole wide world!"

Elijah smirks while shaking his head and continues reading

He knows he's being manipulated but doesn't to anything about it

[archivalofsins]

“UNDER”

Which way will you throw down your weight? To be the deceived, or the deceiver.

Let's have an objective conversation about the deceiver, the snake, the ever-self-absorbed masquerading as the selfless.

Shidou Kirisaki

I was discussing Shidou in private with @tsuwmya and the response I received encouraged me to post my objective thoughts on his character and actions.

First let's talk about Shidou when it comes to his relationship with children. Shidou is bad with children and Milgram has done everything in its power to display this fact.

In Throw Down Shidou's main and only focus is on saving one individual. Someone who is very clearly shown to be a fully grown adult or adult sized.

Outside of this portrayal of the individual in Throw Down looking adult sized which could be considered abstract in these instances. The bed we're shown in Triage is literally just a different bed entirely from this one-

And Milgram does nothing to hide this information.

This is the sight we're shown when the death of a child is heavily alluded to. Clearly making these two separate instances and possibly two different family members.

This displays that the person in the first bed- The one he is trying to save throughout Throw Down is more than likely his wife and not either of the children. To take it even further the flowers meant to represent his victims throughout Throw Down are in full bloom and the food that represents them in Triage is ripe as well.

Further implying that most of his victims were adults or at the peak of their lives.

This imagery can allude to his victims being perfectly healthy as well as these things only wilt or rot after Shidou interacts with them. Because a plucked/cut flower can only live so long even if you put it in new soil.

And no one can still have their cake and eat it too. Once it's eaten, it's gone. Once it's been cut into, it begins to spoil and lose its flavor.

"It becomes more and more diluted, it doesn’t have any flavor even if it’s chewed. If it’s not needed, I’m not interested."

Before we see his wife, before we see his kids, before any moments with family we see Shidou getting the necessities in Triage. We see him getting food. The food is highlighted before we even see his loved ones.

After it's alluded to that he lost his family in Triage something that should be a tragic scene where his kids or his wife should be the focus. The bed is empty, there's no one to be seen outside of himself/someone who may just look like him from behind. Either way we're just seeing him.

No wife, no kids, or kid.

Then immediately after this image of loss what do we see-

The food going rotten. It's spoiled now. Everything is ruined. It's gone to shit definitely but even when it has, his family is still an afterthought to him. They come after the food, after the dead flowers.

They always came after the necessities. They always came after his work. They were always a convenient excuse for his actions-

"Now slowly close your eye, put your regret on display wish for being there for someone."

Just like the feelings of Shidou's victim's families came as an afterthought to tack on when he saw Es had reservations about just finding him guilty immediately and killing him like he wanted.

"The death penalty is what I'm hoping for. Thank you in advance."-3:31 "If you want to hand down the correct punishment for me, then all you have to do is put an end to my life. It'll be over in the blink of an eye." You're being annoyingly persisten, Shidou- Know your place here! "Please listen to me, Es. I've killed people. Lots of them as well. It was for such a selfish reason too. I'm a fine specimen of what a murderer ought to be." I really don't... get you. "If you don't put me to death then neither the people I've killed nor their families will be at peace. Don't you think so too?" 4:39-5:10

From the beginning Shidou displays that dying is something that he wants. Something that he's seeking. Because he wants to be at peace he wants to be reunited with his loved ones. It's not because he genuinely feels remorseful about what he did, cares about the fact what he did was wrong, selfish, and hurt many people. No, it's still about him and everything he tacks on after is just there to justify him getting what he wants.

Milgram displayed from the beginning that Shidou wants to die but he doesn't want to take his own life. If his end goal is being able to reunite with the people, he cares about in the afterlife.

To be reincarnated and see them again-

Q.19 What do you think happens to people after they die? Shidou: I like the idea of reincarnation. I hope that’s what happens.

Then he cannot religiously commit suicide. The implication through the mention of reincarnation is that Shidou is either a Buddhist or Hinduist both religious beliefs do not condone suicide. Except for Hinduism which condones it only on the grounds of religious reasons which Shidou does not have. Both state that taking one's own life can impact reincarnation.

It's really funny to consider that Shidou is trying to get Es to kill him based on religious grounds that he's been fully open about yet for some odd reason the only person being persecuted for their religious beliefs and how they adhere to them is the child.

Shidou has also shown his desire to circumvent or skirt passed this rule- Very openly in the portal timeline.

20/05/26 Kazui: Ahh, this old man’s gonna go and smoke in the corner a bit. I checked with the guard, and apparently we can use our free time however we want. Man, I’m glad this place is so relaxed. Shidou: ……! Are…… we allowed to smoke……? Kazui: Huh…… Shidou-kun, was it? You smoke too? That’s kinda unexpected. Shidou: Ah, yes. ……I only started fairly recently though. I’ll go with you…… to smoke. Futa: Ahh, those old men really stink of tobacco. Are they idiots or something? They should know better at that age…… If they really can’t cope without relying on something like that then I worry about their sanity. Yuno: ……it doesn’t really matter does it? They’re making sure they’re staying far away from the people who don’t smoke. Personally I quite like the smell anyway. Futa: Huh!? What are you talking about? It means you’re more likely to get sick, it costs money, it’s a nuisance for everyone around you, what’s even the point. Our tax money is being wasted going towards paying for that, you know? If you were really smart, you’d know not to smoke at all! 20/06/20 Mikoto: ……oh, so you are here after all. Shidou-san, are you free? Let’s chat~ Shidou: ! Ah, just give me a moment…… Um…… I don’t mind talking, but you didn’t need to come over while I was smoking. Are you sure it isn’t too smoky for you? You’re not a smoker, right, Kayano-kun? Mikoto: Ah, you don’t need to put it out! That’d be such a waste!I smoke too occasionally. Though just vape. Like, the smoking room is a really good spot for communication, right? So I thought now might be a good opportunity to talk with you. Not like I have anything else to do. By the way, I’ve been wondering for a while, but do you always wear those gloves? Shidou: I don’t…… How to put it…… I suppose…… since I have my hands covered all the time, then when I take them off, it feels as though the feeling in my fingertips is even greater…… I know it’s probably all in my head…… but that’s how it feels. 20/08/04 Mikoto: By the way, why did you two start smoking? For me it was just a means for communication with people at work. Kazui: Hm? I don’t really remember…… It’s maybe changed nowadays, but in the past it was just natural for everyone to smoke. What about you, Shidou-kun? Do you remember? Shidou: ……I wonder. I suppose…… I just wanted to do something that was bad for me. Mikoto: Ahh, I kinda get that. It’s like eating instant ramen in the middle of the night. Q.20 What do you think about smoking? Shidou: I often get stopped and told it’s bad for my health. I smoke because I want to be unhealthy, though.

Shidou admits to only beginning to smoke recently and that he's only doing it to be unhealthy. He recognizes that smoking is dangerous and unhealthy not just for himself but those around him. Just as Futa points out.

This is indicated by how quickly he goes to put his cigarette when Mikoto comes over to the smoking area. The area literally designated for smoking which would mean anyone going to it would rightfully expect those to be ya know smoking. Even still he quickly attempts to put it out.

Showcasing just how new of a smoker he is along with the fact that he doesn't want to ruin anyone else's health but his. Then he just bluntly states when asked why he started smoking that he just wanted to do something unhealthy.

Because he is purposely trying to make himself sick and die. Because he believes that would be an indirect enough method for him to die by despite it being his choice to do this that it wouldn't technically count as suicide-

This guy is trying to pull a technicality on the fucking gods. He's basically going if the rube goldberg machine I built kills me because I purposely trigger it I'm still not technically killing myself. However, he doesn't just want to die. He wants to die with-

"Emotions with no color I wonder if I can die with it still left."

He wants to die indifferent to his behavior. He wants to die feeling nothing about what he's done and for that purpose he used Mahiru as an excuse for why he needed to be innocent.

"That’s right, there are lives that need safeguarding. So hey, prolong my life, I’m indispensable."

Because he's seen what a guilty verdict does. He's seen first-hand the mental stress it causes to people. The regret it drags out. He doesn't want to feel that. he wants to die not feeling that and from the beginning he's known-

"Hm... But this place does smell of the dead though. I'm sure that some sort of death will lie at the end of Milgram."

He's willing to wait for it and receive the regretless death he wants. In order to get that, he's more than willing to do the same thing he did to people before to someone Es cares about to change their mind.

"If you don't put me to death then neither the people I've killed nor their families will be at peace. Don't you think so too?"

X

Well, moving on from that to the topic of him with children overall due to all that he's been through.

Shidou is bad with children that much is clear from how he interacts with Amane in the Portal Timeline. However, Triage just makes this more apparent with his interactions with his own children.

By that I mean the lack of them. Instead of seeing him spend time with his kids we mostly see him spending time with his wife. We see him cooking with her, going on walks with her, and outside of when he hugs his children upon getting home the only time, we ever see him with the kids after that is when they are all together.

It's after Shidou is shown thinking about the kids playing by themselves that he sings,

"I yearn to be found “GUILTY”."

However, when he thinks back to the time, he spent with his wife walking with her alone it turns into-

Showcasing what Throw Down put on full display that Shidou threw down his duties as a father in favor of trying to do everything within his power to save his wife. He neglected to watch his children properly in favor of working towards saving the love of his life and his kids ended up paying for it. He says so plainly in Triage-

"Those cards of promise I discarded were they retribution for my incessant taking."

And Throw Down goes even further to allude on this.

"“Throw down” connecting you with me. To keep you alive, you are still living. “Throw down” the invitation that I can’t take back. Lying, replacing with hope." "“Throw down”, someone’s value cannot be the same as another “Throw down” should choose between superiority or inferiority. Has come true, stabbing the despair to death."

Even his very first glitched character voice line-

"Ah, ha, ha, ha- Not dead... Yeah, she's definitely not dead... I finally understand the value of what I've been robbing people off."

Hell, here's all his voicelines in a resonable order from the first character voiceline trailer, second, and the second trial teaser trailer.

"Have you ever taken out a person’s insides? The weight of a human life, there’s no difference between people. And therefore…… I will save the lives I want to save. You're in my way...hurry up and die. Ah, ha, ha, ha- Not dead... Yeah, she's definitely not dead... I finally understand the value of what I've been robbing people off."

Shidou fuck them kids Kirisaki everyone. Both of his kids are male presenting the only she we see in his videos is his wife. His only focus was on saving his wife. This is why he says this from the beginning-

"I've killed people. Lots of them as well. It was for such a selfish reason too."

Shidou has perfectly illustrated that his understanding of children is that they should be seen not heard. Stay in line of sight, don't cause trouble, help out if you can, and be quiet. When he came into Milgram he was remorseful due to how his neglect led to the death of his children. How throwing himself into his work and trying to save his wife led to him losing not only her but both of their kids.

His family is important to him now-

Q.04 What is important to you? Shidou: Family.

Because he didn't appreciate them enough when they were around. He took it for granted thinking they'll always be there later. I just have to do this first it's important. I'll make time after this is done.

Q.07  Is there anyone you’d leave behind if you died? Shidou: Not any more. Q.08 Is there anything more painful than death? Shidou: The death of someone you love. Q.09 What do you want from a lover? Shidou: I want them to stay healthy. Q.14 If there was one person you could bring back from the dead, who would you choose? Shidou: I can’t choose.

Only no longer able to choose between superiority and inferiority in the case of choosing between people he loves. Because he now knows the pain of losing them. I guess doing things like that is harder when he actually humanizes the people he's doing it to, huh? Convenient.

This warped relationship with his own children is why his interactions with Amane are so stunted. Mainly focused on what children should like and how they should act instead of accepting that Amane is her own person. Because he was not responsible for taking care of his children's emotional needs. He was not the one consistently present for that his wife was.

Q.19 What was your partner like? Shidou: A strong person. I tend to be a bit careless in my personal life, so I was always relying on her.

This is also why Shidou's behavior does get to Amane in a way and we see him being given a seat in the counsel even if he does sort of just pop up uninvited. Because Shidou is like Amane's dad and she recognizes this.

Amane's father is out for work frequently trying to do something that he believes will make the world a better place. Doing difficult and demanding mostly underappreciated work and when he does come home he more than likely acts like Shidou.

Q.01  Why did you choose your current job? Shidou: I wanted to do something that would be of use to society. Q.15 Do you think you’ve made a contribution to society? Shidou: I used to think my work was a contribution to society. Q.02  Who do you look up to? Amane: My father. He’s been away on a trip for a while, but I think that’s very honourable of him. Q.13 Who do you want to see right now? Amane: My father. I want him to praise me for all my hard work. Q.10 What was your father’s job? Amane: After a lot of hard work, he became a lecturer I think it’s something to be proud of.

Dotting on Amane for the limited time he has with her when he is home from working. Because Shidou was like this before and it didn't turn out well he was trying to rectify his past mistakes by being their for Amane at the start of Milgram. Yet feel into the same old habits as soon as there were more important things to take care.

He's similar to Futa in that regard. Since he tries to be there for children more from the start of Milgram as well and has gone more into that it seems as a result of his verdict. While Shidou has fallen back into his own self-centered nature. Only using the safety of others to excuse moving towards his own goals.

With no real guarantee that he'll actually help them or not outside of trust me I'm a doctor. This isn't even touching on the fact that Shidou is not medically permitted to diagnose brain death and states as much in his second voice drama-

"This may be out of my profession, but her mental health is deteriorating as well."

He is literally not allowed to diagnose this on his own and neurologists are meant to be involved in some capacity when diagnosing this. Something that he is not.

"“Throw down” ethics is a delusion."

So, he would not know if they were actually brain dead or be allowed to pass down that diagnosis to family members at all. Because, again, he is not qualified to diagnose that on his own. However, pushing that to the side.

Shidou is not treating Amane differently because she is misbehaving right now, or because she's not the child he'd expected her to be, or even because he doesn't like kids. A person can like children and still be bad with kids. Shidou Kirisaki is just bad with children. He was bad with his own children and he's still bad when it comes to the children within Milgram. His behavior comes off as condescending and he stereotypes kids. Believing that if one kid likes something all kids will.

A very hit and miss way of dealing with children or anyone for that matter. Because one would not be treating the child as an individual with their own feelings and interests and due to that overlook or miss that child's individual needs entirely. He's inattentive in his personal relationships.

He takes them for granted, frequently tending to hyper-fixate on higher priority things just to end up straining or neglecting his personal relationships entirely. On top of that he's just objectively fucking evil and selfish. Never really understanding the value of what he was taking from others until it was ripped away from him. Then upon feeling that pain making it everyone else's responsibility to give him the ending he feels he deserves including another child like Es.

Because he can't handle living through what he made multiple other people go through and again he wants to meet them again in the next life so he can't really take himself out in this situation. I didn't vote Shidou Kirisaki Innocent this trial because I thought he would change. Because I trusted him to keep his word. I voted him Innocent beccause I wanted him to live with what he put other people through. I refuse to help him alleviate his pain and get out of the consequences of his actions.

If he wants to go so badly, he's going to have to do it himself instead of once again leaving the tab to other people. When I heard him sing this-

"So, this is unpleasant. So, this makes me sick. What do you mean INNOCENT? If this is my punishment- Now I see, this world is cruel and merciless."

I thought yeah you fucking live with that dick. You think you can just get a convenient out as the people whose family you admit to killing multiple times- have to live in a world without their loved ones. No, fuck you. Have a nice life with reaping what you fucking sowed.

[otakween]

Digimon Frontier - Episode 27

This episode was juicy! Koji's backstory unlocked (partially anyways), Seraphimon does something, and Duskmon's identity revealed (kinda!) I will say, I had to close my eyes during the new ending theme because there were so many spoilers in it! Why tf does Digimon always do that? >:( I've seen other anime put stuff in silhouette until it's revealed in the show, so they could at least do that.

Notes:

Everything with Koji and Duskmon was so exciting. I love when the grumpy/dark character gets caught off guard. I feel like we saw a lot of rare Koji emotions in this one.

It was kind of funny how Koji just spent the whole episode confused. Most of his dialogue was just "what's happening?" or "what's going on!?" Same, buddy.

Takuya and Izumi realizing that their digivices are also walky talkies was also funny. Either you can just will the digivice to do things or its always done that and they never found that feature. I think the latter is funnier.

"You have to defeat all 10 areas to escape" Yeah unless your name is Izumi, Junpei or Tomoki apparently.

Out of pocket adults in this episode! First the flower lady rudely asks Koji why his parents have only been married 3 years (wtf) and then his dad is like "you STILL have a picture of your dead mom?" (double wtf). Even though Koji seems to think his dad's in the right, I think what he said was fucked up. You shouldn't try to force your child to call their step parent "mom" if they don't feel comfortable doing so and you shouldn't deny their grief and connection with their deceased parent! I know plenty of people who call their step parents by their first names and still have a healthy relationship. In the dub they soften this a lot by implying that Koji was mean to his step mom: "Can't you at least be nice for her for me?" instead of "I want you to call her Mom."

Lol @ Takuya and Panjyamon's manly Dragonball Z battle where they just kinda stare dramatically at each other for awhile.

Beowolfmon is a fantastic name, BUT the concept pisses me off. Koji's human spirit is already a human combined with a beast so this is nothing new! I kinda miss it when digivolutions were more random and varied (even though I thought that was weird at first lol).

So it's revealed that Duskmon was actually Koichi all along (some of y'all spoiled his name for me 😑). However, I still don't really know who Koichi is. Koji doesn't seem to know who he was and he wasn't in the flashback scenes at all, so...separated at birth? We'll see!

The comedic pause when Neemon asks Bokomon how he knew that Beowolfmon was called that was great.

So apparently Sephirothmon was Mercuremon's digivolution. But wait...wha? It doesn't look like a human or beast spirit so...? I think they said something like "iron spirit" (too lazy to go back haha) Feels very "making shit up as we go along" but okay.

[lizzybeth1986]

Headcanon: Sloane's Kids - Hamza, Artemis, Orion and Zohreh

(FC: Sloane Washington (center) - Nelly Muse)

Everyone who has read my fics kinda knows I have three separate universes for PM, with some commonalities. One in which my MC dates only Hayden, and two in which they date all the LIs. Hayden and Sloane in two of these universes also actively date other people. So in all universes, Khaan is someone Sloane has a relationship with, as well as Alana. I do plan to develop a "childhood sweetheart"-like character for her sometime in the future as well. So Hamza definitely is like a firstborn child to her, even though Khaan and Sloane don't exactly marry.

Sloane has three other children, twins from a fertility treatment as well as one daughter with Khaan many years later.

I see Sloane starting out trying to emulate Kim because she's such a fantastic role model, but she eventually gets her own groove and realizes she will be a different kind of parent and that's okay. Where Kim was more intuitive, Sloane is a consummate planner and she does bring that kind of energy into her parenting.

Tagging @sloanewashingtonappreciationweek and @sazanes for SWAW Day 2: Written in the Stars (since all Sloane's kids are named after certain celestial bodies).

Hamza Mousavi

(FC: Anthony Cyrus Keyvan)

• Born to an Iranian father and a Filipino mother, Hamza spent his first five years constantly moving house because his father Khaan constantly feared that Hamza would be targeted by Eros. Most of those early years feel like a bit of a blur in later life, because once the group entered their lives, things became far more settled for them.

• Hamza took an instant liking to Sloane the moment he saw her. She was shy and smart, was always sweet to him and tried to make healthy treats he would like, and clearly adored his dad. He definitely encouraged Khaan a bit to ask her out (in all universes).

• Hamza obviously is the oldest of the kids that came from the group, and revels in that fact. He is quite fond of bossing the kids around a little 😄

• His dinosaur-love eventually becomes a fascination for mythical beasts in general in later years. Unsurprisingly, his favourite genre for books is fantasy.

• At some point, Sloane revives her writing hobby, and starts writing books for children. Largely with Nadia's encouragement (she promises to do illustrations if Sloane completes a manuscript). Hamza very enthusiastically becomes the test audience for her first book before she sends it to publishers!

• Hamza got his love for healthy treats and a balanced diet from his father Khaan. It's an interest he grows up with. As an adult, he becomes a very sought-after nutritionist (to the initial chagrin of his siblings and cousins 😂)

Artemis Washington

(FC - Arsema Thomas)

• Artemis and her twin brother Orion were born around 3 and a half years after the events of the second book. Like her mother Kim, Sloane did want to have kids at that point, but wasn't ready to have a kid with the people she was dating. She did talk it over with them tho and instantly had everyone's support before she took the plunge.

• The names were of course a suggestion from all the Hayden's in all my universes 😄 Mostly coz Sloane had always loved that story, even before they came along.

• Arty loved to mix and match different pieces in her outfits from the time she was a kid, including a phase where she wanted to wear colourful underwear over her onesies at home coz it made her look like Superman. She was also known for layering different clothes over each other - there was a point at age 4 where she wore a onesie, wore a T-shirt over that, wore bright rainbow leggings over THAT, and completed that look with unicorn-printed shorts. In summer.

• She gets into haircare and makeup as an adult. Loves testing out different products and inventing new looks. I think she builds a brand of her own much later in her late 20s, when she is more confident of her expertise in the business.

• Her favourite film is the animated beauty "Hair Love".

Orion Washington

(FC - Kelvin Harrison Jr)

• Sloane always feels that Ori took after his Nana Kim in a lot of ways

• He loves cooking, and when he gets older loves experimenting with teas!

• Like Sloane, his favourite meal is also a DC Smoke.

• He loved being in the kitchen, loved mixing and matching things there. Sloane, Khaan and Alana would often find grapes in their cups of tea/coffee, an innovation 4 year old Ori would take pride in 😂

• Cooking is really this guy's love language. He does grow up to become a chef later on, joining culinary school early on.

• At some point both he and Hamza teamed up for a "Hello Fresh"-like initiative, where Orion would devise affordable and healthy meal kits, while Hamza assisted with consulting for meal plans!

Zohreh Washington-Mousavi

(FC- Yara Shahidi)

• Zo is five years younger than Artemis and Orion, and fourteen years Hamza's junior. The three of them did spoil their baby sister quite a bit in the early years 😂 She could bat her eyelashes and get away with practically anything - that was also a perk of being the youngest among the entire group of kids!

• Like her twin siblings, Zo's name was also astronomy-based. Artemis is a Greek name for the moon goddess, Orion is a constellation and Zohreh is the Persian name for Venus.

• The kids of the group (Hayden x MC's kids, Nadia and Steve's kids and Sloane and Khaan's kids) do have their own stargazing parties! All of them love looking out for rare astronomical finds, and have their fave constellations. Zo, tho, has a more scientific interest and cultivates it from an early age.

• Zohreh has her mother's interest in Astrophysics and both her parents' interest in tech, so she does actually enroll into NASA as an adult. She takes on a paid internship through the Pathways program after graduating, and that transitions into a full job there.

• Her favourite planetarium is the Hayden Planetarium in NY.

• Arty did plenty of hairstyling experiments on her baby sister as she reached her teens. That still doesn't change when they're adults and Zo has had a number of her friends vie and pay anything for her older sister's services after seeing her amazing hairstyles.

• Zo's fave dish that Orion has made is a Persian fusion dish - saffron chicken wings.

Family HCs:

• Sloane never actually marries, but she's pretty happy with the life she gets to live with the MC (in my poly universes), Khaan and regular visits from Alana.

• All my Haydens, and Sloane, are still close, and they're in fact is Orion's godmother/father in every universe. The MC is the same for Artemis. Nadia and Alana become Zo's godma's years later.

• As a kid Sloane always kept a stress corner for herself with things that would both calm her down and help her with stimming. She does keep one in the house for her kids and it really works for them.

• Hayden(s) kids, MC's kids, Sloane's kids and Nadia's kids all love to form their own group in every universe. Initially inspired by Hamza's stories about their parents, they also band together and envision scenarios where they can save the world 😁 Hamza is undoubtedly the leader haha, he keeps things from getting too out of hand.

• Sloane already looks up to Kim, but she does so even more after becoming a mother. She definitely does come to her for advice and suggestions from time to time.

--

Other HCs on the PM kids:

The Park-Young Kids (Hazel x Iris)

The Park-Tennyson Kids (Nadia x Steve)

[bella-goths-wife]

Slashers toxic traits

Michael Myers: lack of communication

Michael refuses to communicate with you

Not because he can’t, he can, but also because he just doesn’t want to

You at first thought that he just didn’t like to use his voice

So you offered to teach him sign language or to give him a notebook to write things down for you

But he completely refused and stormed out the house

Another thing he does is leave you for weeks at a time

He’ll justify it to himself as needing to get his frustrations out by killing people

But you just see it as an excuse to not be around you for weeks

Sometimes you think that he’s just using you for food, sex and a place to sleep

Let’s say you break up with him like in my other post and he tries to get you back and succeeds like in this post

After that he does genuinely try and work on his communication skills and cuts down of the time he spends killing

To prove he wants the relationship to work he even learns how to communicate with you in sign language

But if he does succeed in getting back together with you it’s unlikely that Michael will make the mature alterations to his actions and will probably continue to sabotage your relationship

This is because he has the emotional intelligence of a child

You can’t really blame him for that, the asylum wasn’t the best place to be raised to be functional in adult relationships

Bo Sinclair: his temper

Bo has major anger issues

We can see that especially with Vincent

He throws stuff, yells and breaks household items

But then you came along

At the start of the relationship, Bo hides his temper and forces down his anger to seem like the perfect partner

He fooled himself into thinking that you made him a better person and that you could “fix him”

So he attached himself to you and rushed your relationship in an unconscious attempt to trap you in the relationship

But after a few months his temper came back and he no longer took it out on Vincent

He never physically hurt you, but he would yell at you for hours and his words would hurt just as much as if he physically punched you

If we’re going in the same universe as my break up post, the situation that pushed you over the edge was when he threw something and it missed your face by inches

You left and reminded Bo that you made him better and he made you worse

But I do genuinely think he could change as I’ve stated in this post

I think with therapy and talking about his issues that the two of you could have a genuinely healthy relationship

But this only works if he goes to therapy, if he doesn’t but you still go back to him, he’ll put the charming, calm facade that he had when you first started dating

It’ll quickly fade away though and then your back to square one

Vincent Sinclair : jealousy

Vincent has always been a jealous person

He was jealous of his brothers, for looking normal

He was jealous of Bo, for being called the handsome twin

He was jealous of his victims sometimes, because they got to have a normal, non abusive childhood

He was jealous of you when you first met, because you were the most beautiful person he’s ever seen and he wished he could be as beautiful as you

But when you started dating, his jealousy was ramped up to the next level

He saw every male as someone who wanted to steal you away

And when you and Bo started to form a sort of sibling bond, Vincent saw the “handsome brother” trying to take away the one person who was his

Vincent has a massive inferiority complex so he sees Bo as your perfect partner even though you and Bo are completely non attracted to each other

So that makes Vincent see you as an object, his object

That will eventually cause you to leave him

But if you get back with him like in this post, then Vincent will genuinely try and change his behaviour

He’ll become less possessive and jealous of you and he’ll see you as a person again

Not just as his beautiful object but as your own person with thoughts and feelings like him

Of course he still gets jealous but now instead of letting it fester and rot, he’ll talk about it with you and you can reassure him that you only love him

But that’s only if he can change, if he can’t he’ll let you go

If he genuinely does try but can’t change his behaviour no matter your reassurance, he’ll let you leave

Then you can be free and he loves you too much to see you go back to being sheltered again

Thomas Hewitt : not standing up to his family

Thomas loves his family

Correction he loves Luda may, but he still cares about Hoyt and monty

He adores Luda may but even she has used him as a verbal punching bag just like everyone else in the family

And that never really bothered him, until you came around

Luda may never really liked you because of her sons infatuation with you, she thought you were a temptress who made him stray from the Christian way

So along with Hoyt and monty she would give you snide remarks and verbal beat downs any chance she got

And while Thomas didn’t like how upset you were afterwards, he revelled In the fact he was no longer the family punching bag

He would never admit it but he secretly enjoyed when you would get yelled at because that meant he was safe

He definitely regrets his actions when you break up with him because he never stood up for you

And while sometimes he wanted to, he was too afraid of his family

So when you leave it breaks him

Let’s say he succeeds in getting you back though like in my other posts

He would attempt to heal all the wounds his family caused you and explains how he feared his family because he was raised being verbally and sometimes physically abused by his family

He has moved out of the house into an abandoned home in the village and only visits his family once a week to collect some meat and help kill some of the “livestock”

The only way the relationship would work is if he keeps his family separated from you and if he gave himself some independence from them

If he doesn’t then you’ll be put in the same position as before because even though he’s afraid to lose you, he’s more afraid of his family

If he does though, the two of you will live a relatively happy life and will even see each other as husband and wife

Asa Emory : lack of care for partners feelings

as I’ve said in my break up post, Asa treats you like a pet

He gives you little to no respect in a relationship especially of you were kidnapped beforehand

So of course this bothers you a lot

He especially shows his lack of care for you feelings when he practically uses you as a vessel to clear his pent up sexual aggression in the bedroom but he never cares about your pleasure and aftercare

In my breakup post, the thing that pushed you over the edge was when he said he was “owed some kind of payment for keeping you” so you left him

But he still doesn’t make a pure hearted attempt at changing, he instead decided to manipulate you into loving him again

And while yes, he does actually unknowingly and treats you more like a person in the relationship that doesn’t make up for the fact he’s using you still

He’ll constantly love bomb you with gifts, moving you into his home and a big expensive wedding all so you’ll play the part of American housewife

If your afab he also does it to give himself a son so he can pass down his traditions

Tiffany valentine : holding on to feelings for ex’s

Tiffany loved you with her whole heart, but she had a problem with fantasising about what her life would have been like if she had married Chucky

As stated in my break up post, she still held a candle for him and still brought him back to life

She was so caught up with this fantasy she forgot she was actually dating a loving, supportive partner like you

She practically cheated on you when she brought chucky back to life and talked about getting married to him and when you found out you got out of there immediately

That broke the fantasy for Tiffany along with Chucky admitting that he never wanted to marry Tiffany

So she settled with Chucky and it got her killed

She works on herself more when Glenda/glen came around and found that she truly missed you and was still deeply in love with you

Any love for Chucky had faded away after his constant verbal attacks and threats to their child

So like I said in this post when her soul is transferred to Jennifer tillys body, she sees this as a second chance with you and deceives you

She eventually comes clean to you and begs for your forgiveness which you give her

Honestly, I think the relationship will only truly work if Chucky is dead because he’ll always have a weird hold over Tiffany

But she does try and change for you and will be a pretty supportive and loving partner after your break up

[bbygirl-aemond]

If you consider viserys a creep, then I hope you realize Daemon is also one just slightly less so, laena was young when daemon married her and rhaenyra was even younger when to took her too a brothel and kissed her, plus he asked for her hand in marriage, he would have no problem sleeping with rhaenyra if viserys had agreed to marry them. Daemon just has pretty privilege, so people aren't willing to see that his more problematic than viserys

CW for CSA, grooming mentions

Okay so first of all, let me remind everyone that my posts that only talk about Viserys shouldn't be taken to mean anything about completely unrelated characters like Daemon. Now, this post isn't going to be an apology for Daemon, and it shouldn't be taken to excuse his actions. But I will be making the argument that what he's done isn't as bad as what Viserys has done.

In the books, Laena is twenty-three years old when she and Daemon meet for the first time and get married. There's still obviously an age gap, and I personally hate age gaps in real life, but Laena's very much a grown woman here, even by modern standards.

And I've discussed before here that I very much DO think Daemon's treatment of younger Rhaenyra is problematic. As for adult Daemyra, there are a few things that I think are important here:

During the brothel scene, even though Rhaenyra is acting willing, Daemon doesn't have sex with her. Also, Rhaenyra is seventeen. Obviously we rightfully take issue with this, but by Westerosi standards she is technically capable of consent. Again, we know this shouldn't be the case and it doesn't excuse Daemon's actions, but it does provide context for them.

I could make a whole separate post about how Daemon's interest in Rhaenyra as a child wasn't about her, but was entirely about her being an extension of Viserys. Daemon doesn't genuinely want Rhaenyra when he proposes to wed her; he's feeling rejected by Viserys and is trying to get close to him in the only way he knows how.

Daemon then distances himself physically from Rhaenyra, and explicitly says this is because she was a "child," implying that he didn't feel it was right for them to have a relationship and felt that he needed to remove himself from the situation to allow her to grow by herself.

When Daemon and Rhaenyra DO start a relationship, it is when Rhaenyra is twenty-seven years old and unquestionably an adult. And it starts on Rhaenyra's terms. Now, this isn't fully okay, because we know that their dynamics when Rhaenyra was younger impact what she wants as an adult. But I do think this is still significant when comparing him to Viserys.

Finally, Daemon's relationship with Rhaenyra is about as healthy as a Targaryen relationship can get. Rhaenyra maintains the upper hand in every single scene with him-- even in the choking scene, she laughs in his face and he is ultimately rendered impotent in the face of her confidence. Daemon unquestioningly supports Rhaenyra's decision-making skills and her power as a ruler. When she asks him to do something, even if he clearly doesn't want to do it, he always backs down. Daemon obeys Rhaenyra at every turn, never the other way around.

Daemon's relationship with Rhaenyra is obviously still problematic, and Emma D'Arcy has said it counts as grooming, and I won't argue against this because I agree. I also don't think Daemyra should ever be used to excuse these dynamics in real life, ever. But it's not quite comparable to what Viserys did with Aemma and Alicent, for all the reasons outlined above.

TLDR: Viserys raped a 13-year-old girl and a 15-year-old girl, the latter of whom he saw as a daughter. His relationships with both of his wives involved mistreating them and sacrificing their physical safety, comfort, and wishes for his own whims.

Daemon had sex with a 23-year-old woman and a 27-year-old woman, the latter of whom he saw as a niece. His consummated marriages were amicable and he always allowed his wives autonomy, even at the detriment of his own personal desires. You can see how these two things aren't 100% the same, yes?

[silentalltheseyearsnomore]

Hmmm. Tiny bit better.

Big screaming nightmares. Wanted reach out tell S again but didn't... she knows she knows she knows. She's doing her best. She must love us. She will see us as soon as she can. There must be another reason she's not saying the usual things or responding to our stuff about feeling worthless etc. She responds saying she's still there.... if she didn't want to be she wouldn't. Must be something else. Tried believe. But just so so so dark.

Then she contacted us and told us family stuff happened and she can't hold anything, she was going to try see us weekend but thinks wouldn't be healthy... can tell she will be triggered by us doubting her care when she's so emotionally full already. Needs to take care and rest. And told us she see us after weekend.

And it sucks but also feels better. Context helps. Her lack of saying certain things (or repeating.. she said them a couple weeks ago) is because she is overwhelmed with so much need from so many places in her life and not a confirmation things have changed between us. Ofc we'd rather hear the things... but it helped. Helped us hold on to the logic we know exists.

And now we know a day we will see her. Its only a handful of days. She's there. And she's taking time to sleep and work over the weekend. She said maybe it helps to know she will be building strength this weekend alongside us, both trying to recover and see each other after. And I appreciate that a lot from an adult place. I know logically if she saw us this weekend and child parts felt disconnected AGAIN we may lose our mind even more, we may rupture big in person, and there's not much time and space for repairs in her life currently. K and others in past would have seen us and not thought it through or been aware enough. This is what a relationship that LASTS looks like. It's not a lack of love. It's sustainability. And it just takes time for child parts to understand.

We asked if her voice notes from a couple weeks ago, before we saw her last, were still true, so we could use it as a resource. Because she's so *her* in them and her care is so clear. "I'm here darling, I hear you, I care." "I'm just working and sleeping and so busy, but you are top of my priorities, you are there", and deep breathing with us. We can feel the care. Even the word darling does it, as we've talked about how she only uses it for a few people who are special to her. We have this thing where we can't allow ourselves things that help incase they've changed, especially people, as we've had such sudden traumatic endings. And when S is stressed, of course she is different, and she doesn't say things the same way and doubts things. Which adds to our fears. And we know us doubting her care and commitment is a trigger for her. So it's a tricky combo and can be wildly painful but... I'm hoping healing too. Because we have to meet in the middle. I have to help our system look at facts and not rely on reassurance. And we are growing in that area. But in crisis its obviously hard. And she's the first attachment figure not to fucking vanish or become abusive so of course its hard. But anyway. We put in our email thank you for sharing context, and also that we realise perhaps her "I'm still here" is her way of saying all the things are still true. And she replied saying yes, all still true. And. That's enough. It's enough. For now anyway. And that was never true before.... any change, any mismatch, any refusal to answer or reassure just broke us. And we'd be arguing how it can't all be true because if we were really a priority she'd see us on this nightmare week, or this, or that, or... etc. And yes those things are still thoughts and fears and feelings but we can hold them. We can argue them ourselves (eg, seeing us when shes triggered makes us *more* unsafe, if she did that its kind of caring *less*) We can do that now. At least til we see her maybe lol. And that's huge growth. And maybe this helps eventually? If someone endlessly reassures maybe we'd never learn it ourselves. We used to believe hearing it enough helps us hold it. And that's true too.. thats how we build any capacity. But this is the situation we have now so I'll choose to see it positively and see it as a chance to grow our ability to hold the connection in other ways. And trust. And we are slowly learning that change can be tolerated because I mean fuck me.. so much huge change. And yet she is there. And maybe that's representative of the fact that things can change and we dont need to hold so tight because the right things and people will stay. Or something. Lol. But if you're listening universe... no more lessons needed to learn through pain okay? Some nice easy comfort and love and gentle learnings from now on thank you 👌

[sweaterkittensahoy]

An interesting bit of my relationship with Sean:

Until I was 14, all my primary caretakers were--at minimum--narcissist to a point. My stepfather was definitely an abuser and a drunk, but I honestly don't recall enough of the man (he died when I was 12) to guess at the narcissism level, but looking back with the knowledge I have, definitely some traits. My mom, bio-dad, and stepmom? Narcissists. All of them. And that's based on my therapist recommending books about dealing with narcissists when I described them.

Sean's parents were married until he was 19 (fun fact: his mom told him she was going to divorce his dad the same weekend we had our first date). Sean's mom taught him that a couple arguing/fighting is healthy ("Sometimes you have to yell to get to a good conclusion."). Sean's mom taught him that going to couples's therapy is healthy.

Sean's dad, unfortunately, grew up the son of an intense alcoholic mother (gee, that's familiar) and has, at least, narcissistic tendencies. He does not go to therapy. He goes to group "therapy" at his church (not run by a professional).

Sean and I have very different experiences with our narcissistic parents. First, I've had more of them. Second, all of mine have been very, very loud.

Sean's dad's narcissism is much quieter. He doesn't shame Sean or rewrite history. Instead, he does things like call Sean when there MIGHT be a tsunami on the Oregon Coast so that SEAN will look up the information and report it to him rather than just look it up himself.

No joke: Sean's dad recently saw one of Sean's cousins on his mother's side talking about a health issue in the family. Was Sean's dad response to message the cousin (an adult) and get clarification?

No.

Sean's dad called Sean, explained he'd seen a facebook post, and asked what was happening.

Short answer: Someone in Sean's mom's family known to Sean's dad is having severe health issues.

Two days later, Sean got a sudden flurry of texts from his dad. It was all contact info for family on his side. Sean's aunt, the two uncles, and a few cousins. Sean stared at it and said, "Why is he sending me this?"

Here's the thing: My narcissism experience is much crazier. I've had my mom lie to my face about things that have happened. My bio-dad made me apologize to my stepmother literally directly after she'd hit me. More than once. My mom can give me an excuse to never visit me in my city and then turn around and talk about how many vacations she takes.

Sean's experience with his dad's narcissism is very funny to me because I truly believe his dad does not mean to do it. He simply has no idea how to communicate well.

I cannot stress enough, intent does not matter with a narcissist. It's not about whether they INTEND to hurt you or not. It's about if you feel shitty after. Because narcissists are particularly good at making you feel shitty while sounding nice. Sean's most common response to his dad's behavior is confusion.

Anyway, Sean's wondering what the fuck his dad is doing, and my brain clicks a few things together, and I said, "OH! He wants you to know who to contact if he drops dead!"

And Sean just stares at his phone for a moment, then sighs and go, "Yeah. Yeah, that's what that is."

Not gonna lie: I started giggling because my experience sees an amateur effort at getting Sean to ask a question.

Sean: "Really?"

Me: "Sorry. It's just...sorry."

Sean: "I'm just gonna say thanks."

Me: "An excellent decision."

It absolutely is. It acknowledges the effort and does not open the room to conversation.

It's an odd place to be, coming from several professional-level narcissists, to getting a genuine giggle out of Sean's dad's amateur efforts. I think part of what makes it funny instead of angering is that Sean is an only child, so his dad can't aim any secret shittiness in another direction.

I won't lie: It feels good that my shitty upbringing can be used towards giving guidance to someone I love who knows shit isn't perfect and that imperfect relationships have meaning and worth.

[jdgo51]

The Path to Healing Starts with Confronting Hidden Problems

Today's inspiration comes from:

Get Past Your Past

by Jason VanRuler

Editor’s note: It can feel like brokenness is the title of our stories. Or the ending. But, with God, we can face what we’ve been through, work through it, and truly have abundant life in Him (John 10:10). Enjoy this piece from Get Past Your Past by Jason VanRuler.

"Something I learned early on about remodeling a home is you have to fix even the stuff other people can’t see.

This fact became evident when I was faced with a gross basement wall in a house we were remodeling. The wall looked quite dirty. Normally a perfectionist, this time I reckoned that the best thing to do would be to slap some paint on it and call it good. So that’s what I did. The dirty wall was now “clean.”

This method worked. For a while. The basement was dark, so I just assumed the paint had covered the rough spot and everything was fine. Until the day I walked by the wall and saw that the spot I’d painted over had come through the paint and was as ugly as ever.

What?! I painted over that spot! The problem was that the dirty spot was not just dirty. It was moldy and mildewy. Without my having cleaned the spot first, the paint couldn’t solve the problem. It just covered it up for a while.

Multiplying Problems

A lot of us go through life like this. We see a dirty spot and figure that if we just throw some paint on it or avoid that area of the house, things will be fine. When this doesn’t work, we now have two problems: the original problem and this new problem created by our avoidance.

What I learned from the moldy-wall experience is that you have to solve the problem the first time. Throwing some paint on our issues doesn’t help in the long run. And that’s good, because the problem is important and worthy of our attention.

When I examine my life, I realize how much time I’ve spent afraid and running away from my issues. I think that sometimes when I check out, I’m probably not checking out so much as running away from a scary situation or an unwanted feeling.

While I’m running from fear, I typically find myself lost and alone the way I had felt as a child. It might be oversimplifying things, but I think that at the heart of this fear is a faith issue.

I want to show that inner child that he is protected and that I am an adult now.

I want to change my relationship with fear. I don’t want to keep running away from or slapping a coat of paint over my problems and calling it good.

But maybe it isn’t bad to be afraid.

When I think about it, checking out and running away feels a lot like the night someone tried to break into our house.

After trauma, healthiness requires healing.

A Childhood Trauma

When I was a young kid before my parents’ divorce, we lived in a ranch-style house in a decent area of town. In those first years of my life, I felt safe and protected. Until that one night.

I woke up to yelling and screaming and the sounds of my father running down to the basement. My mother was yelling that someone was trying to break in through a window. Having no concept of what was happening, I felt confused and terrified.

My father eventually came up from the basement brandishing a baseball bat and ran outside to chase the would-be intruder through the neighborhood until he got away.

After that night, my life changed in many ways, but I never slept the same again. I’d wake up terrified, having to check the doors and windows even when I lived on the sixteenth floor of an apartment building.

What’s funny is that I never even saw the person who was trying to break into our house. Nothing happened to me. My father saved the day by chasing him away. Nonetheless, fear followed me. I remained terrified.

I now know that this response is called trauma, but before I learned that concept, I just thought I had lost my mind. It was like being afraid of a ghost that I had never seen. It bothered me for years.

So many of us have experiences that are similar to or worse than this. Something happens that changes us, but instead of seeking healing, we seek comfort, which often isolates us. Every time I checked a window or door at night, it made me feel better only in that moment. It didn’t address my underlying fear or offer any type of healing.

After trauma, healthiness requires healing. Otherwise we go through our lives spending tremendous amounts of thought and energy trying to protect ourselves, even when it’s unnecessary.

Maybe you check a lot of doors and windows in your life because of a legitimate wound, but is that helping you? Or do you need to go back and heal instead? Most of the time healing is what needs to happen.

The good news is that our heavenly Father can handle the protection part if we let Him."

Excerpted with permission from Get Past Your Past: How Facing Your Broken Places Leads to True Connection by Jason VanRuler, copyright Jason VanRuler.

[guaxinimraccoon]

jesus christ why-

oh mY DEAR GOD-

FIRST OF ALL I'm SO sorry for taking so damn long to answer those, I've been really really busy and I'm very sorry, I'm doing my best to answer everybody ; o ;

BUT FINALLY let's talk about our big last Euphoria reveal (about four months ago but ok-), where I showed you guys that Alex is Brad's father and Elisa is Toby's mom.

"BUT GUAX WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? HOW?? WHEN??? WHERE??"

SHUSH , CALM YOUR TITS DOWN and let me explain:

Ok, so I'll be putting some links here and there because yes, Alex and Elisa's story is very, VERY connected to Brad and Toby's. 

And get ready for a veeeeeeeeeeeeery long post. You were warned.

As you all already know, Alex and Elisa had a troublesome meeting, but eventually got closer to each other, they fell in love yadda yadda yadda BUT their will to get closer to each other, in other words, their relationship brought HUGE consequences.

Yes, they did manage to build a healthy relationship, they were happy, they were fine.

But they were also adults, adults that wanted something serious and concrete, they couldn't spend the rest of their lives as forbbiden lovers.

So Elisa did something literally illegal. She did a potion that was forbidden by the Colony authorities - a shrunken potion - to get closer to Alex.

Those potions were never developed, they're rustic and really antique, so they could do more harm than good or not work at all.

But Alex didn't care, he took the risk and drank the potion to get closer to his girl, the woman that was the love of his life.

The effect of the potion is temporary, so Alex would drink them from time to time whenever he had the opportunity to visit the Colony, spend some time with Elisa and, of course, be a part of her life.

He wasn't just trying to "be like her", he was also trying to be a part of her home. He made friends with her friends, he met her family, he met new imps, new fairies, all of it under his "imp disguise". He even fought for the Colony at it's war times (that is lasting till the current story time). He EVEN presented himself with a more “impish name” - Turk - to make sure people wouldn’t suspect anything.

Of course, people eventually started to ask why didn’t he live in the Colony with Elisa, why did he only showed up from time to time. Alex and Elisa lied, obviously, they told everyone that Alex belonged to a secluded imp tribe that lived walking around the forest as nomads, which made sense since those types of imp communities do exist.

ANYWAY THE POINT IS Alex grew affectioned of those people and with their lifestyle. He started to feel like he was one of them. 

And, of course, he was now closer than he ever was to Elisa.

Since they were different species, they never worried about having kids. I’ve never said this before but Alex is a doctor, he knows about this stuff, so he always made sure to reassure Elisa that "they were their own condon" and, as sad as it may sound, they couldn't have kids.

... Or so Alex thought.

You know how tigers and lions can have offspring together? Yeah, it's the same thing.

It's very hard to happen, but they spent YEARS together if you know what I mean so yeah

That's how Alex and Elisa gave birth to their first child: Tobias, the only one of a specie that is a mix between human and imp.

His parents were really worried at first, afterall, they new NOTHING about Toby's condition. They didn't know if he was going to grow as large as a human or if he'd assume imp proportions forever. After some research with his son's blood, Alex found out that Toby was indeed half human and half imp, but he was predominantly physically an imp. That means his biological features are, mostly, imp like: he'd hardly grow as large as a human through his life's course and could live as a normal imp in the Colony. The fact that he showed talent for magic (once he was old enough to do so) and was able to do it just like any other imp in the Colony also made things easier.

Elisa and Alex chose to raise Toby in the Colony, they believed it’d be healthier and safer for him (especially after some events that I’ll be talking about in other posts), although it hurt Alex to pretend that he was an imp to his son and that he couldn’t see him everyday. 

Even if they couldn’t see each other everyday, Alex and Toby were very close. Toby loved his daddy very much and was very attached to him.

After five years after Toby was born, Elisa got pregnant again and gave birth to their second child: Bernardo (that’d eventually be nicknamed as “Brad”), one of the two only beings of the specie Alex and Elisa accidently created together.

For preucation, Alex took a bit of Brad’s blood and made some research, just like he did to Toby.

And what he found out wasn’t exactly... relieving.

Brad, just like Toby, was half human and half imp, but he had expressed mostly human features in his physical body. He was as small as a baby imp now, but it was a matter of time until he started to grow very VERY large.

Unlike Toby, Brad couldn’t live as an imp in the Colony and things got very complicated for them.

Alex wanted to leave. He told Elisa the Colony’s community would NEVER accept their youngest, they would never accept Alex and probably wouldn’t accept Toby either. They had to leave that place before they couldn’t hide the truth anymore, even if it cost revealing Toby, a five year old child, that most of his life was a lie.

But Elisa was hesitant. She didn’t want to leave her home, her parents, her friends. She knew Alex was right, they couldn’t stand that play for too long, but how to leave everything she had built behind? How to leave everything she knew as home behind? It wasn’t that easy.

Until something very bad happened.

Remember I said Alex made a few friends in the Colony? So, one of them was Stefan, a experienced fairy soldier that had known Elisa for as long as she was alive. He was pretty much her best friend (even if he was old enough to be her father) and now he was also great friends with Alex.

Stefan is important here. He has a very tragic backstory involving humans. He lost pretty much everything to them: his whole family and his wings, something that meant more than just flying to him.

So, as expected, he hates humans and truly believes that they are nothing more than monsters that try to manipulate you and to get advantage from imp’s and fairy’s magic. 

After some years, he started to get very suspicious over Alex. Some things weren’t making any sense anymore and that “nomad imp community” was starting to sound way more like an excuse than the actual truth. He simply didn’t understand what was stopping him to live with Elisa and his sons for once.

So he did some investigation. One day, he followed Alex (that he knew as Turk) out of the Colony, in one of the days he had only come to visit his family. Alex had said earlier that he had to “go back to his own society”. Yeah, right. Stefan was hiding the whole time and followed Alex till a good distane from the Colony’s limits. 

And he didn’t get exaclty happy to see his best friend growing impossibly huge out of nowhere.

Stefan now knew the truth: Alex was pretending to be an imp using shrinking potions. He didn’t belong to any nomad imp group, he was a human that lived in his own house and was coming to the Colony to play family with them.

Of course, he didn’t only felt betrayed, but pissed as fuck. Stefan didn’t waste any time: as soon as Alex came back to the Colony he confronted him. Alex tried to explain himself, but they only argued and ended up having a pretty bad fight.

In anger, Stefan didn’t want to hear no more explanations, so he told some of the Colony’s high authorities about Alex’s lies and that they had to do something about it. 

The Colony’s Council decided to call Elisa and solve things between imps and fairies only. But they showed her no mercy.

They basically gave her two options: or she’d prove her loyalty to the Colony and would kill her husband and her human son, or the Colony would sentence all of them to death penalty, including Toby and Brad, children that they claimed should have never been born. 

Elisa was in shatters. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t kill the man she loved and her baby child, she just couldn’t. She was about to accept the second option, rathering die with her family than killing them, but Stefan decided to help her out.

He wasn’t expecting the Council to be so cruel and he started to regret his decisions the moment he saw how Elisa was worried about her family and how much she loved them, even if they were human. He hated Alex and Brad, but seeing Elisa in excruciating pain over them was impossible for him, so he made up a plan with her to save everybody.

It cost Elisa to trust Stefan, he had told their secrets to the worst people possible, but she had no option aside from accepting his help and following his plan.

The plan was simple: Elisa would tell the Council she’d kill Alex and Brad and would tell Alex that she had changed her mind and that they should leave the Colony as soon as possible now that Stefan knew the truth.

Alex believed her and, after Stefan’s confirmation, so the Council did. The next step was to take Alex and Brad to the Colony’s limits, pretending they were about to leave. 

Then it happened.

Elisa made, with Stefan’s help, a huge barrier on the Colony’s frontier that didn’t allowed humans to cross it. It was basically a security method that they never thought it’d be necessary.

But now it was and it wasn’t meant to protect the ones inside the Colony...

Of course, Alex didn’t understand SHIT.

He spent MONTHS returning to the Colony in his shrinking form, trying to find a way to cross the barrier and to get Toby back. 

Or to talk to Elisa.

Or to understand.

Or anything.

He just wanted his family.

Eventually, his potions ended and he was left to raise Brad on his own and to never see his wife and oldest son again.

Since then, he hates Elisa. Or at least thinks he does. He’s just deeply mad at her, he doesn’t understand why she left them. 

He did everything for her. Denyed his own race, submitted himself to the dangerous effects of a extremely nocive potion which he faces the consequences till this day, did his fucking best to be the best father and husband his family could have-

All this love, all this effort, all this sweat and blood

Wasted.

It took years for him to fully recover. Aside from the health problems the abusive use of the shrinking potions brought, he also became alcohoolic. Because he wasn’t mentally estable enough, neither to take care of himself and of his very very small son, he went to live in his parents house. His family knew about Elisa and the children they had together, his folks actually liked her a lot so it saddened them as well that she simply abandoned Alex and Brad and that they would never see Toby again.

His family didn’t had to worry about Brad’s very little size for too long though, before he was one year old he had already reached his human size.

Anyway, Alex’s family gave him a huge help until he was healthy enough to take care of Brad, the only one left from the family he built.

Back to Elisa, she didn’t told Alex her plan because she KNEW he wouldn’t want to do it. She simply knew Alex would be too stubborn. He’d have wanted to try to escape or to face the Council. Both alternatives would get them all killed.

Toby didn’t understand why his mother did what she did. He was forced to go back home with her, screaming the whole time, saying that they left his father and brother behind while Elisa was crying endelessly.

Stefan came to them eventually and calmed Toby down. His heart broke when he saw Elisa. She was... not okay.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to assist her. He immediatly went to a representent of the Council and took them to Elisa and to the Colony’s frontier to prove that she had done it and did even more than she was suppose to. Of course, not without consequences to her sanity, she had just killed her husband and baby, of course she was in pain.

Nevertheless, the Council confirmed Elisa had done her part and left to leave her alone with the child they let live.

After that, Toby spent weeks returning to that spot of the frontier to look for his dad and brother. No sucess.

As time went by, he eventually forgot about Brad, he was very young when they tore apart and Elisa and Stefan never talked about him nor Alex. All he can remember is that there was a baby in the middle of that mess, but he can’t relate to it.

He kept the memories of his father though, who was closer to him, and till this day he believes he’s alive somewhere and that he can be found. But he has no idea he’s a human and has no idea of his own true nature.

Elisa and Alex miss their respective sons deeply and think about them everyday. They also miss each other very much and the first months after the incident were terribly agonizing for the both of them.

They kept going for the child that had remained for the both of them and raised them apart from each other. Alex never told Brad what happened and so Elisa did to Toby. Like that, none of the brothers knew about the existence of each other.

Until the day Toby was sent, coincidentally, to his “little” brother’s house

And none of them has no idea of this fucking long backstory I just spent four months writing :)

enjoy

[ashesandhackles]

The Hogwarts Express scene in Prince's Tale: A Sirius and Snape analysis

I really, really enjoy Sirius and Snape as characters and their respective narrative functions in story. But what gets me most about them is how much Rowling hints about their backgrounds and so much of it makes sense with regard to who they are as adults. So I am going to be breaking down a very small scene from Prince Tale and getting into long winded hypothesis about their respective childhoods.

So, let's start with Snape. The scene begins with Snape rushing to find Lily, already in his Hogwarts clothes. Harry notes he must have been eager to get out of his clothes - ones that look like he borrowed from his mother, as Petunia spitefully pointed out. This has always been a very interesting detail to me - first off, it indicates how poor Snape's family is. Second, this indicates his tiny rebellion from his father - he refuses to wear clothes of the abusive man, and prefers his mother's. I admit, I am partial to the reading that Snape refuses to associate with his father in tiny ways, rather than Tobias refusing to hand his son clothes.

(I have seen readings which say that it is also a sign of neglect - perhaps his parents bought clothes that simply don't fit him, but I am more inclined to think it's a hand me down, simply because Harry identifies so strongly with it. Because Harry knows what it is like to wear a hand me down that don't quite fit, that are too big for you, or the ones that make you look ridiculous.)

Lily and Petunia's relationship is fraught with Petunia's jealousy. And young Lily is upset over it when Snape meets her. "I am not talking to you. Tuney hates me" she tells him. "Because we saw the letter from Dumbledore". Young Lily shows signs of being extremely emotionally reactive and this scene is one of them. It's easier for her to deal with Petunia's rejection of her by telling Snape she doesn't want to talk to him. It's a childish displacement of her hurt over her sister's rejection. (I am genuinely baffled by interpretations that Lily and Hermione are similar. Hermione is very cognitive person, Lily, as we have been shown repeatedly in memories, is not).

Snape, however, with his bad history with Petunia and his inability/ poor social skills to understand why this matters to her, goes: "So what?"

Lily, who throws him a look of deep dislike, says "So she's my sister". This seed is important because this is what develops into "he doesn't get me" feeling she later displays in her teenage scenes with him. Interestingly, most of Lily's personal relationships have deeply interwined love and dislike - Petunia (whose rejection bothers her but she cheerfully informs Sirius that Harry nearly broke a vase her sister sent - which means there is resentment on her end too), James - who she was attracted to even before 7th year but also disliked at one point, and Snape - again, a contentious friendship filled with love and distance.

"She's only a -" we dont get to hear what Snape intended to say. And given his own acrimony with Petunia, it could be anything. However, I read it as "She's only a Muggle" because it ties into his feelings about his father. Snape, who is proud of being half a Prince, emphasizing his magical lineage from his mother's side, his refuge in a violent, neglectful home. (Barty Crouch Jr and Snape with their disappointing fathers - I imagine Voldemort is supremely attractive leader to people with broken homes like this)

Snape, by all accounts, shows a disorganised attachment style. His caregiver, his mother - and perhaps the only parent he seems to have regard for, is too preoccupied by her own abuse to be there for her son - we see this in glimpses Harry sees in OOTP: " woman cowering" where a man shouts at her, and a young, neglected Snape cries in the corner. Children born in homes like this have trouble regulating their emotions, simultaneously displaying tendencies to aggressively lash out or show disassociative symptoms. Both of which Snape displays. Statistically, this is also seen more in low income households where economic instability and resulting domestic instability creates an unsafe environment for the kids to safely form ideas of their identity, or express emotions in healthy ways, modelling instead out of behaviour seen at home.

Then, Snape reminds her that they are going to Hogwarts. He is already in his Hogwarts clothes - now, Snape gets to be the impressive figure. The one who told her about magic, who theorised about how Muggles get letters from magical people, the one who told her about Dementors and Azkaban. He has already left behind the Spinner's End version of him, he wants to bigger than that, and is keen to be in place of magical learning and to join Slytherin. Essentially, he shows signs of unstable identity, insecurity - all prime for grooming into a cult.

And here comes along James Potter, who looks around at the mention of Slytherin. James's comment uses Snape's line and directs it to Sirius instead and it becomes a conversation between them, as a way to bond more with a fellow "rowdy boy" Sirius. Effectively ignoring the other two.

Sirius as we see here, "does not smile" when James talks about Slytherin. He essentially says something that can be construed as a way to nip that conversation in bud: "My whole family has been in. Slytherin". This suggests to me that there is some loyalty to his family there and his disillusionment with them isn't entirely fixed yet. After all, Sirius's intense loyalty to his friends, more specifically James, did not come out of thin air. It is reasonable to suggest that he felt some loyalty to his family at some point and the intensity with which he regards his friends is a reaction to burned off and being a "displaced person without a family" as Rowling put it.

Interestingly, while his reaction to his mother and Bellatrix are obviously sore spots, his response to Regulus is comparatively quite soft. ("Stupid, idiot" - something he calls James later on in the same book, OOTP). I imagine Sirius has quite complicated feelings about his brother and he is capable of nuance (when the person isn't Snape, where his dislike seems to be borne of an intense projection): "The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters". As someone who is grown up among them, Sirius would understand that.

His framing of Regulus's need to please his parents also further highlights what exactly is the source of disillusionment. He calls Regulus "soft enough to believe them" - which means he is crediting his own intelligence to see through his parents bigoted world view. Clearly, bigotry is not something the Blacks explained in a way that Sirius, eldest of their male line and their heir, bought it. It also probably didn't help the Blacks case that Grimmauld Place is in a Muggle neighborhood and that their eldest son is a bit of a wild boy with interest in pushing boundaries. His intellectual disconnect leads to the righteous rage he later feels but it began there. (Boy, it must suck to discover that everything you have been taught to value in the world and in yourself as the heir is essentially rubbish). Since his differences with his family began with seeds of intellectual disconnect rather than on intense empathy with downtrodden, it makes him, as a pureblooded privileged boy, unable to truly understand Lupin's fears regarding his lycanthropy. Hence, the Werewolf prank (I am not getting to the Snape bit, just the Lupin bit). To James' credit, he does understand what that means for Lupin and saves all three of them from different set of consequences.

Anyway, back to the scene. James, who has made an ass of himself in front of his new friend, who he was getting along with fine until now, then goes "Blimey, I thought you seemed alright". (Btw, I find James wildly large ego kind of hilarious here, especially in light of Snape's comment about him to Sirius in OOTP: "You will know he is so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him"). Sirius, who I believe has been raised like "royalty" as Blacks would, has good enough social skills to defuse a situation. He grins and says: "Maybe I will break the tradition".

This line is an indication of Sirius's desire for independence, an identity seperate from his family. The use of the word "tradition" is interesting. It sounds like Sirius is expected to behave in a certain way, the heir of Black family whose parents thought being a Black "made you practically royal". Adult Sirius is contemptuous of this, or their "valuable contribution to Ministry" which means they just gave gold - it tells me that any and all conditions put on him by his family were to fulfill tradition that is either worthless or holds no meaning in his eyes. The root of the emotional abuse Sirius suffers from his family is this - realising his parents love for him is conditional on him being a certain way. (In fact, you can read Regulus desire to emphasise his connection to the family as a reaction to what he sees with Sirius - Sirius does not behave, Mum and Dad don't love him). As a child with unconscious knowledge of lack of love, Sirius then acts out, they react, rinse and repeat "until he has had enough". Sirius chafes against boundaries well into adulthood and doesn't react well to people enforcing it on him, even if it is out of love for him. Cue the fire scene with Harry where he behaves as if Harry is rejecting him instead of protecting him.

Sirius asks James about where he wants to go, and Snape, who is incensed about James being insulting about a House he put stock in, which he made part of new identity (so that he is no longer that Snape boy from Spinner's End) and was in general trying to be impressive about in front of Lily, "makes a disparaging noise" once James talks of Gryffindor. Snape's response to James' : "Got a problem with that?" is interesting. He says: "If you'd rather be brawny, rather than brainy-"

This is an important value for Snape. He knows he is clever and values it. He spends his spare time inventing hexes, making great shortcuts to Potions. He has genuine thirst for learning and he hones it. In SWM, we see that he has written far more longer answers than anyone else, he is poring over his paper after exams. He even mocks Hermione's lack of inventive answers: "Answer copied word to word from the textbook, but correct in essentials". He values originality. It may be me stretching this, but I am partial to the reading: this is his way of rejecting his father once again, who is implied to be a violent man. (in other words, someone who is hypermasculine - "brawny". In fact, Snape's rejection of hypermasculinity is a huge post on it's own - Potions (brewing, cauldrons - coded as feminine arts), the doe Patronus, his proficiency in Occlumency and Legliemency (intuitive mind arts, again seen archetypically feminine) etc).

"Where are you hoping to go, seeing as you are neither?" - Sirius is quick with emotionally cutting insults. Snape hasn't even finished his sentence, but Sirius is already on his case. Which suggests growing up in a household with sharp tongues. It's a fair assumption, given Mrs Black's half mad portrait. It also tallies with Sirius's talking about his mother: "My mother didn't have a heart Kreacher, she kept herself alive out of pure spite" . The wounds are fresh enough on this. (Another interesting way Snape and Sirius act as inverse mirrors - Snape rejects his father, Sirius rejects his mother. Sirius acts as proxy for James for Harry while Snape takes on Lily's role of protecting him). However, you know who else is spiteful? Sirius.

While James is the physical bully (the tripping Snape, doing most of the bullying in SWM), Sirius attacks emotionally. ( Sample the one about Snape's appearance - "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment, there will be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word" or even the carelessly vicious- "Put that away, before Wormtail wets himself in excitement"). Curiously, with all that talk of how his mother being spiteful, it's her room he spends time in when he is depressed. (Again, in inverse mirror way, we can talk of how Snape looks for a father figure in Dumbledore - craves his validation and is proud of Dumbledore's trust in him). We could argue it's also because Buckbeak is there, and perhaps it's the largest room in the house, but it's very telling that's where Sirius spends time when he is "in a fit of sullens". Sirius's sense of abandonment from his family, makes him look for family connections with friends - a trait he shares with Harry. Interestingly, the first time he glimpses Harry in Privet Drive, Harry is also running away from home - just like he did. Anyway, I could go on.

[ptergwen]

from one kid to another

w/c: 6.0k

warnings: mentions of drinking, lots of swearing, implied smut, and angst at times

summary: it was a mistake, a beautiful one that you didn’t make on your own

a/n: this genuinely is my favorite thing i’ve ever written :,) i say that a lot but this time i mean it, it’s really special i think and i so so so hope y’all do too <3 enjoy my loves

-

there’s only one thing in life that testing positive for is actually positive.

depending on the situation, obviously. yours isn’t ideal, or planned or a blessing or whatever people say. it’s a gigantic mistake that you didn’t realize you made until a minute ago.

you’d noticed something was wrong when your time of the month came and all you experienced was the symptoms. cramps, cravings, everything except your actual period. as everyone is pretty much taught to do, you ran to the closest drug store for a pregnancy test. what the hell else could it be? you messed around a few weeks ago, so there’s a possibility.

your heart felt like it was going to explode out of your chest the whole time you waited for the results. you’d thought of calling tom over for support, but there are a couple of reasons why you couldn’t do that. you realized you made the right decision when your timer for the test went off.

two red lines. you’re pregnant. you’re pregnant, and your best fucking friend is the father.

where do you go from here?

the test falls from your hand and hits the floor with a mocking clank. you slide down until your back is against the bathtub. well, you’re fucked. what an ironic word choice.

the fact that you aren’t ready in the slightest to be a parent when you’re still growing up yourself is one thing. it’s another that this could ruin the most important relationship you’ve ever had.

no, tom won’t be mad. he’s never once fought with or even raised his voice at you. in your times of need, he’s been the one to uplift you and kiss your puffy cheeks dry. no matter how he takes this, you know it won’t be out on you. he is half responsible.

but, with how you left things the last time you spoke, you’re not sure you’ll be able to get past it.

tom is alarmingly good at hiding how he truly feels. you always tease him that it’s because he’s a gemini. he’ll come back with shut up, i’m an actor and stick his nose in the air to give you the full image. in all seriousness, it does take a toll on how well he can communicate.

you’ve seen it in small ways, like when he brings you along for press days and uses unenthusiastic smiles to cover up his yawns. how he’ll be polite in a conversation with people he’d rather not speak to, then mumble about it once you’re home. he tries to put forward the “appealing” parts of himself even though he’s more than them.

tom’s biggest communication issue is that he’s been in love with you since year nine and hasn’t said a word about it. you’ve yet to figure that one out.

you two became friends while tom was starring in billy elliot. his schedule was so scattered between shows and school, so he struggled to balance both. he often had to stay late for extra help on the lessons. you’d also been there a few times. you worked better in the classroom, and he was grateful he didn’t have to be alone with the teacher.

most kids made fun of tom for his interest in theater, to his face and behind his back. not you. you thought it was just incredible that someone in your own classes worked at the west end. you’d told him on your way home one night.

he’d heard you before he saw you. “you’re tom, right?” you asked from behind him, the two of you making your way through the hall. the question sounded friendly, and it wasn’t every day kids were nice to him. tom stopped walking so you could catch up. “yes, and you are?” you gave him a small smile, books clutched to your chest. he instantly returned it.

“y/n. i heard you’re in billy elliot?” you laughed at your understatement, then corrected yourself. “that you are billy elliot, i mean. that’s so cool.” “oh, i am. thank you,” he chuckled back, a full grin taking over his face. you were both walking again, you by tom’s side. “i was hoping to come see you soon.” your voice got quieter as you told him, like you were nervous.

tom never had much luck with girls, not at this point in his life. this was an opportunity to change that. at the very least, to make a new friend. he offered something you said yes to without a beat of hesitation. “what if i got you the tickets?”

from then on, you began talking during class and not only when it ended. tom really knew how to keep the conversation going, telling story after story that left you laughing so much your teacher would shush you. you’d eventually moved to hangouts at either of your houses. harrison came into the mix at some point, the three of you forming your own group.

the difference between tom and harrison was that while harrison linked with other girls, tom was only interested in you. he’d gotten a crush on you pretty fast, if he was being honest. it might have been your shared sense of humor or the way you said his name.

thomas, when he was being cheeky. tommy, which took the place of a pet name. even regular tom. that might have been his favorite. he loved how it rolled off your tongue. he loved, and still loves, you.

you’d gone to all of tom’s performances you possibly could, the ones for school theater included. you also gave him the push to take his talents to hollywood. tom was afraid he wasn’t cut out for the big screen, that he needed more practice and experience first. you told him that if this was what he wanted to do, he had to start somewhere. why wait?

tom then landed his first movie role in the impossible at the age of fifteen. he’d received tons of praise and almost gotten nominated for an academy award, all because you convinced him to audition. you played a huge part in keeping him grounded when he was between films, and caught him up on whatever schoolwork he’d missed.

you practically zoomed to tom’s house when he was announced as the next spider-man. you’d been constantly refreshing every social media platform marvel was on since tom became a finalist for the part. that process was probably the most difficult experience he’s ever gone through. you’d know, having heard all about it from tom.

the two of you celebrated along with the rest of tom’s family that night. you kept giving him little proud of you squeezes on his shoulder or knee. tom is eternally indebted to you for being the most supportive of everything he does.

he of course sends the support right back. although he went down the movie star path, acting wasn’t for you. you’d gone off to university and studied hard as hell and aced all your shit. tom quizzed you on material whenever you needed. he wanted to help you somehow, and this was all you’d let him do.

he’d offered to pay off your loans and any other expenses necessary because he had the money to do that now. you refused every single time, not trying to become dependent on him. he admired your drive, yet hated it at the same time. everything you’d done for him, it was his turn to be the caretaker. it should’ve been.

whenever tom wrapped filming for the holidays and came back home, you were always preparing for final exams. he kept you company, content with simply being in your presence. you typed away on your keyboard and read over notes until your eyes burned. tom occasionally brought you snacks, tea, asked how you were and what he could do.

sometimes, he would have to cut your study time short. he’d say it wasn’t healthy or you were overdoing it and to come relax with him for a bit. other times, tom let you be. he didn’t want to get in the way of your already stressful assignments. those were the nights you’d fall asleep in front of your laptop. drool on your chin, hunched over at your desk.

tom made sure to tuck you in, press a light kiss to whatever part of your face wasn’t covered in spit, then let himself out. he knew where your spare key was, so he used that. you’d wake up to a “Fell asleep studying again. Rest today x” text the next morning.

when it came time for you to graduate, tom was on the first flight there. it was during another round of reshoots for chaos walking. he respectfully told doug that he’d have to work around his schedule or replace him, which couldn’t be done so late into filming. tom didn’t care that it made him seem like a prick. he was getting to you no matter what he had to do.

he’d earned plenty of stares and whispers from people as he took his seat in the crowd. he was a proper celebrity now, so he expected it. his solution was to ignore everything and chat with your family about how proud they were of you, tom the most. he saw you go from a kid attempting algebra equations to an adult at her uni graduation. you’ve really grown up together.

it was why he teared up hearing them call your name, seeing you beam as you walked across the stage. your mom grabbed his hand and nodded at him, like she could tell exactly what was going through his head.

you ran right up to tom after the ceremony was over, leaping into his arms. he let out a couple of chuckles as he spun you around. “i didn’t think you’d make it,” you’d admitted, happy yet sad tears in your eyes. tom put you down so he could pull you in for a real hug. “i’ll always be wherever you are, y/n,” he said into your ear, rocking you while you gripped at his suit collar.

flash forward to a year later, your career is finally taking off, tom’s is flourishing like it has been for years, and you’re pregnant with his child. you’re trying to recall the series of events that led you to this moment.

you were both drunk, blackout drunk because the only reason you remember sleeping together is that you woke up naked in the same bed. harrison’s bed.

he threw a housewarming party for himself, having recently moved out of tom’s and the other boys’ place. the three of them, sam, and you were all in attendance, along with a lot of others you hadn’t met.

neither you nor tom could figure out where he knew all those people from. he’d clinged to you two for the most part, more so you now with tom usually away. they could have been from work. harrison is breaking into the business himself, small roles here and there. tom actually met him in your school’s theater program, then he introduced him to you, ten years ago already.

sam entertained himself by making concoctions with the snacks harrison set out. harry got together a playlist for the party. harrison and tuwaine struck up a conversation with some of harrison’s actor friends. that left you and tom alone, out of stuff to do, and with one way to fix it.

“drink?” tom had asked you, a smirk playing on his lips. “love one,” you hummed back and set off for the kitchen. the two of you raided harrison’s liquor cabinet, grabbing his biggest bottle of wine. he’d dumbly pointed it out during the house tour he gave you before the other guests arrived.

you were about to search for glasses, but tom’s fingers threaded through yours. he gently tugged you away and nodded behind him. “let’s bring this upstairs. seems much more fun there,” he’d murmured over the music, a grin breaking across your face.

tom is big on clubbing and socializing, however, you aren’t. he comes up with ways to get you out of these events, just in case.

“we can break in harrison’s bed for him,” you said as a completely harmless joke, no intentions of that becoming your reality later on. spoiler alert: it did. “and how are we gonna do that?” tom quirked a suggestive eyebrow and breathed out a laugh as you dragged him towards the stairs. despite yourself, you’d giggled at his words.

not one drink in either of you yet, and you were stumbling and cracking up as you ran upstairs. you’d pulled tom by your still attached hands into what you remembered as harrison’s room. tom shut the door, locked it, saying under his breath that would be a “convenient investment” for him to make as well.

he took out a bottle opener that he must have put in his pocket at some point and got to work on your wine, you getting comfortable on the new mattress. the two of you passed it to the other after every sip, tom licking the taste of your lip gloss off his own lips every so often.

the equivalent of three drinks in, you were making out. both of you were just tipsy at this point, tom holding you by your hips as you lied down, your legs around his waist. god, he could’ve done this sober. he’d dreamed about kissing you, really kissing you since he was fourteen. you’d always felt like you two had something more. ah, there it was.

halfway through the bottle got you past the next two bases, and you were ready for the fourth and ultimate one by the time you shook the last few drops onto the tip of your tongue. tom groaned at the sight of that, drawing your half naked body in closer to his.

you two had forgotten to use protection in each of your drunken states. without a doubt, you both would’ve agreed to a condom had your minds not been everywhere but where they should have.

you’d woken up first the morning after, panic immediately coursing through your veins thicker than blood. a fully nude and sleeping tom had you in his embrace, arms secured around your middle, facing you. you gasped when you made the connection, loudly enough to wake tom up. his long eyelashes tickled your face, a confused pout on his lips. uh... um...

“did we fucking...” you trailed off, no words to describe whatever unfolded. “fuck?” tom finished for you. a very blunt explanation, but true nevertheless. “looks like it,” he rasped, pout changing into a smile. your face fell at the vague memories of how you spent your night.

you definitely wanted to do it. just, he’s your best friend, who’s seen you at your least sexy moments over the years. when you were sick, had breakdowns from stress, you name literally anything, tom was there. it took one bottle of cheap wine for him to forget that?

the real answer was no. tom is entirely in love with you, for a decade at that. you were beginning to discover you feel the same, only you had no idea he already loves you. you’d assumed this was meant to be merely a hookup. from the frown your face held, he’d thought you were regretting it. oh, were you both so wrong.

“um... we don’t have to talk about it,” tom told you halfheartedly, under the impression that’s what you preferred. you physically felt yourself get weaker in tom’s strong arms. he’s not interested. “yeah, that’s probably for the best. i...” you were lying. his heart shrunk, shriveled up inside his chest. she doesn’t love me like that.

“you have to go. aren’t you behind on some emails?” tom hoped you didn’t hear his voice strain from the tears pushing at his eyes. “right. almost forgot, thanks.” you’d plastered on a smile, slipping out of his grasp. a tear rolled down his cheek, so he wiped it away before you noticed. you’d already gotten out of the bed and begun picking your clothes up off the floor.

“i’ll drive you home, then.” he rolled on to his other side, you thought so he could give you privacy to change. it was that, and also because he was crying. he couldn’t hold it in. tom is naturally an emotional person. imagine finding out the love you’ve had almost half your life is unreciprocated. it’s soul crushing.

you two found harrison snoring and on top of tuwaine as you left the house. no silly remarks or shared glances for the first time in ten years. tom couldn’t muster anything up, and you felt numb.

the drive was painful. you’d said your goodbyes after tom pulled up to the curb, which held an odd weight to them. once you were out of the car, a sob wracked through him, banging on the steering wheel and not giving a shit about the loud horn going off. you collapsed face first onto your bed. hours passed by while you stared at nothing and contemplated everything.

since it happened, you haven’t spoken much. small talk over text every few days or so, both of you pretending things are normal for the other’s sake. about a month later, today, is when you found out you’re pregnant.

there’s no use wallowing in any of this. you need to figure out your next move, one that should probably involve tom. first, you want to talk to someone else. you want other opinions and a voice in your head that isn’t your own. harrison gets a text from you saying to come over now, the now in all caps. he does.

you let him in after the second knock, his eyebrows furrowing in concern. however torn you are, you must look it. shirt balled in your fists, lip quivering. he keeps his eyes on yours as he steps inside, pushing the door shut behind him. this is all becoming too real. “y/n, are you okay?”

you’re about to cry in three, two...

“haz, i fucked up,” you choke out, tears unable to stay at bay. he takes you into his arms for a hug. half your face is hidden in his shoulder, hands clutching at his back. he lets you cry it out, holding you until your heavy breathing steadies. “what’s happened?” harrison asks quietly, both of you leaving the hug.

“if- if i tell you, you can’t freak out. you can’t tell anyone else, either,” you instruct, searching his eyes for certainty that he won’t under any circumstances. “i won’t, y/n/n,” he assures you and puts an encouraging hand on your arm. your heart pounding abnormally fast, you spit it out. your first time saying it aloud. “i’m pregnant.”

harrison flinches and doesn’t even try to conceal it. he takes his hand off of you, worry swimming across his features. he blinks at you, unsure of what to say. you’d react the same way, maybe worse, so you don’t blame him. a discussion you, him, and tom had a couple years back replays in his mind.

the three of you were talking about your futures, seeing as you were close to living them. when tom asked you two where you stood on having your own families, you didn’t hesitate to answer. “nope, the factory is closed for a long ass time.” until you were in your thirties, you aimed to focus on yourself. harrison distinctly remembered because of how you phrased it.

“you’re... you... wow,” is all he replies with. you head over to the couch, more tears welling up in your eyes. do the pregnancy hormones act up this early? harrison follows you over and sits down next to you with an awkward clearing of his throat. “do you want to be pregnant?” he has to ask because he’s not sure if he should congratulate you or what.

“i don’t know,” you answer honestly, voice airy. your eyes are fixed on the wall in front of you. you haven’t given yourself time to think about it. there are so many reasons you don’t, and a single one you do. “do you, um, know who the dad is?” harrison glances over at you. “yeah.” your voice cracks. you’re both afraid for him to ask what he does next.

he shifts so he’s sitting up. “can i know?” a sniffle passing through you, you finally look at him. “it’s tom,” you say it before you lose the nerve to. harrison’s face doesn’t change this time. he isn’t surprised you and tom went there. he’d seen your friendship growing into more the older you all got. what he can’t believe is where it took you.

his best friend pregnant, and his other best friend responsible for it.

“when did you...” “at your party,” you explain, bringing your legs up so they’re criss cross on the couch. “i thought you were gone a little too long.” he says that to try cheering you up. you appreciate the effort, but it doesn’t work. you’re not in a joking mood. he’ll stick to the main issue. “so, have you told him?”

“clearly not,” you scoff, not at him but at what you two have gotten yourselves into. “y/n... i think you should tell him,” harrison sighs out, then adds, “whether you keep it or not.” “why? that would ruin everything, it already has.” you’re getting angry now, which plunges you into angry crying, voice unsteady as you go on.

“the last time i saw tom was that night, and i guess it meant more to me than it did to him because we haven’t talked about it at all. he didn’t want to.” you swipe the back of your hand across your eyes, gaze stern compared to harrison’s soft one.

he drapes an arm around your shoulders, you curling into him with another sniffle. he doesn’t say anything for a minute, then he tries again. “i know you, y/n, and i know tom. you’ll kill yourselves not talking about this.” he’s right, no shit he is. avoiding telling tom how you feel, and your pregnancy on top of that, it’s eating you up inside. it’s swallowing you whole.

“what if he doesn’t want to be a dad? or- or i’m a shit mum?” you croak out, your doubts getting the best of you. “i can barely take care of myself. what am i supposed to do with a baby?” you’re leaning forward with your hands pressing into your temples. harrison’s hand moves to your upper back. “i- i don’t think i should have them. i... we can’t,” you conclude.

“tom loves kids,” he gives you a gentle reminder. “why would his own be the exception?” another good point, yet you still have rebuttles. “right, he’s a godfather and he’s really good with them and all that, but i’m not the right person, and it’s a terrible time,” you tell him all at once, in a rush to get your words out before harrison’s sway you.

“he’s never around, i’m doing my own stuff. we’re not meant for this.” you lift your head out of your hands and sit back on the couch. harrison returns his hands to his lap. he’s frowning at you, which you see from the corner of your eye. “i’m not going to force you to have the baby. just saying you have options.”

yeah, really shitty ones.

“either way, talk to tom.” harrison says this more like a demand so you’ll take his advice into actual consideration. “at least about the hookup.” your teeth sink into your lower lip, eyes watering for the nth time already.

you have no choice because he’s right again. you’ll never move on from what happened unless you and tom address it.

the next morning, you do what harrison told you to and invite tom over. he replied saying he was on his way maybe a minute later. he’s nervous to see you because yeah, but more so looking forward since it’s been so long. you’re so nauseous you barely have room for nerves. it’s morning sickness with a hint anxiety.

it feels almost normal when he first gets here, no how’ve you been and what are you up to these days? being as close as you and tom are, you’re not capable of such a dry conversation. personally, you still feel uneasy while he recounts a golfing incident him and harry got into the other day. you know something he doesn’t.

“when i tell you we flew, we flew,” tom makes a pushing forward motion with both hands. “right into the tree. i think harry, like, dented part of his face.” he lets out a breathy laugh, you forcing out one of your own. you’d be more interested without the fact that you’re expecting a child, his child, at the back of your mind.

tom exhales, shifting to face you on your couch. it’s funny how different things were when you and harrison sat in these same spots yesterday. so much has and is about to change.

“they had to send another golf cart to come get us. it was wild.” “it sounds wild,” you hollowly agree. he can tell you’re not too invested in hearing about harry’s terrible driving skills, so he changes the subject. “anyway, harrison told me he came over last night?” your stomach drops, heat coming over your whole body.

“did... did he say why?” you murmur with a look of urgency in your eyes. tom shrugs a shoulder, and casually. there’s no way he knows. “no, was he supposed to?” his tone stays playful, which you can thankfully tell. that puts you more at ease. “no. no, never mind. i would’ve asked you to come, but...” you’re searching through your catalog of excuses.

thank god tom says something else because you can’t find a good one. “it’s alright. i actually, um, had a work call.” a small smile spreads across his face, a proud one. intrigued, you raise both eyebrows. “what’d you talk about?” tom twiddles with his fingers in his lap. “i’ve been offered an audition for this really amazing film. everything works out, it’ll be huge for me.”

you’re smiling back this time, putting a hand over one of his. “woah, that’s incredible. i’m so happy for you, tom.” you lock your fingers with his from the back of his hand. he looks down at them, humbly shaking his head. “when is it?” “a few weeks from today. it films in brazil...”

oh. you can’t tell him now. it’s not worth him missing out on a milestone in his career for a baby you’re not sure you should have. that would be so unfair of you to ask. what are you going to do, not support his dreams for the first time in a literal decade? and, you’d call yourself his best friend through it all?

you guess this also means the way you feel about tom is one sided. he’s okay with leaving you after the most intimate moment you two have ever shared. you’ll dance around it the rest of your lives. better yet, act like the night never even happened. that’s not so easy to do when you’ve got a permanent reminder of it.

the thought makes you sick to your stomach. so sick, you could...

while tom is talking more about what the audition entails, you suddenly bolt up from the couch. you run for the bathroom, a hand cupped over your mouth. his face twists up in confusion from your disappearance. tom calls, “y/n/n?” out to you, but you can’t respond because your head is in the toilet. he rushes in when he hears you retching.

he gets onto the floor with you. you’re bent over, puking your guts out, back in another place where your life changed forever less than twenty four hours ago. tom pulls your hair out of your face and into a makeshift ponytail with one hand, his other on your back. that’s all you have in you. you stay over the toilet just to be sure.

saliva drips from your mouth, making you cough roughly, the sound echoing. tom moves so he’s next to you, keeping his hand in your hair and not caring one bit about the smell because he loves you and he’s utterly concerned about what he witnessed.

“love, are you sick?” he coos, searching for your eyes. they water from the intensity of everything. “morning sickness,” you answer without thinking first. shit. shit, shit, shit. it came out of you like more vomit, word vomit. there’s no going back now.

tom lets go of your hair with his eyes still on yours. his hand on your back then leaves you, fingers trailing down your body as they go. “morning sickness,” he repeats, putting it together. “you’re pregnant?” guilt taking over your features, you sit across from tom. you’re once again leaning against the bathtub, him against the counter.

“this isn’t how i wanted you to find out,” you admit and bring your knees up to your chest. “i took a test yesterday. it was positive.” your arms wrap around your legs, you now tearing up because tom figured it out. a shaky breath passes his lips. “i haven’t gone to my doctor or anything yet, but i-“

“are you keeping the baby?” tom cuts in. not to judge you for your choice, to find out what the fuck is going on before he travels across the world. you tighten your arms around yourself, grabbing your wrist. “i haven’t decided.” he gives you an understanding nod and reaches out for you. you dodge him. he might not want to do that after what you say next.

“tom, i... there’s more,” you whimper out. “yeah. i’m... i’m listening,” tom croaks, unable to hold in his infinite amount of emotions for a multitude of reasons. he’s losing you a second time. more tears spill from your eyes as you break the news, the news that will destroy what he’s been working towards his entire life.

“the baby is yours.” his face relaxes, looking almost relieved when you confess it. “when we slept together, uh,” you’re sure it’s obvious enough that you don’t have to go over the details. he’s tearing up himself. you reluctantly continue. “if you still want to audition, i get it. we don’t have to do this.”

“fuck the audition. fuck the whole movie. all of my movies, really,” tom surprises you by blurting out. he moves in until your legs are touching. “i’m staying. even if you don’t have the baby, i have to be here.” you watch in disbelief as he wipes away what are actually happy tears. “really? i was scared you’d resent me for it, or hate me even,” you mumble to him.

“y/n, what? why would i ever do that?” tom places a hand on your cheek, touch gentle and filled with love. you part your legs so he can be closer to you. he takes the space between them, thumb brushing over your skin. “i didn’t think you’d want to deal with all of this. i thought that night was only a hookup for you.” your voice wobbles under his gaze.

“no, are you kidding? i thought that’s what you thought.” he’s smiling now, eyes twinkling along with it. what he’s been meaning to tell you since you were only kids finally comes out. “i’ve loved you as long as i’ve known you, y/n. i always imagined myself doing this with you.” his words draw a quiet laugh from you, a happy one. “i know we were drunk, but i meant it all.”

the sincerity in his voice, the warmth in his eyes, they make you cry all over again. you’re getting used to it.

“i love you, tom,” you lean into him with a sniffle and a grin, his forehead now resting on yours, using his thumb to catch one of your tears. “i really do.” “i love you forever. i always have,” tom speaks lowly, breath fanning across your face. your hands grab at his shoulders. “so, you’ll stay? you’ll do this with me?” he reminds you of what he said before, this time a promise.

“forever.”

-

you ended up having the baby, and tom held your hand through the entire labor. nikki was holding his other hand, your mom holding your other hand. harrison had originally been in the room as well. when you started to push, he got freaked out and had to leave. your support system remained strong either way.

despite his repulsion of your daughter’s birth, you and tom decided to make harrison her godfather. he eventually became the godfather of your other two children also, which you had a few years later.

tom took a paternity leave from the industry so he could be with you and jamie. he’d also used his time off to propose to you, something else he fantasized about since year eleven in school. it wasn’t anything too grand because the whole world was already buzzing about you two, and a big gesture felt too impersonal with everything you’d been through together.

he did it in the form of passing a note, something you often did in class to avoid being scolded by your teacher for talking. the note came with a pencil to check off either the yes or no box, “will you marry me?” written above them. anyone else would have found it so unromantic, but you giggled as you checked off yes before your lips crashed into his smiling ones.

you were married shortly after the proposal, jamie as your flower girl and all your friends and family in attendance.

to do what he loved and stay with the people he loved, tom created his own version of hollywood in london. he took it upon himself to assemble a team and make a production company. harry behind the camera, harrison and tuwaine in the films, and tom either starring alongside them or directing. they give so many young actors tons of opportunities.

you eventually went back to work, too. it was like you’d never left, coworkers offering endless hugs and going over what you missed, not that you struggled getting into it. tom was there to celebrate every promotion, every compliment from your boss, every part of your life. jamie was also there, then liam and lucy.

all three of them are running around the house right now, putting on shoes and collecting their supplies for school. you take a sip of the orange juice liam didn’t finish with a lighthearted eye roll. tom chuckles as he passes you in the kitchen, getting the kids’ lunchboxes for them to minimize the chaos.

“you have that pitch meeting today, right?” he slips his hands through the lunchbox handles and walks over to you. “mhm,” you hum, mouth full with juice. his lips press to your temple, giving your waist a one handed squeeze. “you’ll smash it. always do.” “thanks, tommy.” putting down the cup, you reach up to button whatever parts of his shirt he didn’t have time to.

“aren’t you doing a casting? for the new script they sent?” you wonder aloud and smooth down the cotton material. “me and harry. should be interesting,” he remarks, you giving him a quick kiss back on his chin. they tend to have their artistic differences. “good luck with that. you do drop off, i’ll do pick up?” you pat one of the lunchboxes around his arms.

“deal.” tom goes in for a kiss on your lips, then a chorus of dad, we have to go led by jamie rings through the house. with a knowing smile, you push at his chest. “see you later. love you.” “love you, holland,” he bites back a grin of his own. his last name, now yours, suits you perfectly.

[labarch]

Witch Hats and Prejudice Part II

<-- Part I

Olruggio, my love, my man, I’m sorry your proposal to Qifrey in chapter 40 didn’t go as you hoped, let’s sit down and discuss your workaholism, temper issues and saviour complex, yes? Yes. It’s couple therapy time at last, we’ll have a look at Qifrey and Olruggio’s relationship and at chapter 40 in particular through the following points:

-Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

-Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

-Help as a collaboration between equals (spoiler: they haven’t made it to that stage yet)

-What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

 Panelling in the Orufrey conversation in chapter 40

The conversation in chapter 40 is never framed as a happy reunion. If we reuse the analysis of the panels from Coco and Qifrey’s conversation I made in my previous post, we find the same markers of unease between Olruggio and Qifrey. Most of the panels are narrow, and get darker and darker as night falls. Qifrey and Olruggio rarely share a panel, and even when they do, they rarely make direct eye contact: Qifrey looks down, or Olruggio walks away from him, or they are curled in on themselves or standing on a slope at different eye level. For a while Qifrey is up in the air and mostly talking to himself. Oh yeah, and there’s a hat that gets in the way at some point.

It gives the sense that they are having two separate conversations, and that they never truly achieve the connection that we saw between Qifrey and Coco. On top of that, while the conversation is supposed to be about comforting Qifrey and earning his trust, Olruggio never manages to get a smile out of him, except for wobbly, miserable little grimaces. So what’s going through both of their heads, and why are they failing to meet halfway?

The chapter has an outward pull to it. The scene takes place on a slope that leads away from the atelier. The chapter opens with a herd of dragons flying away and into the night. Then Qifrey takes flight to look into the distance, while giving a very contradictory speech about how fulfilling yet dull his life is here, how happy yet trapped in an illusion he feels. He has to hold on to his cape as it flaps in the wind. It brings those dragons back to mind, like they are a metaphor for the side of him that wishes to escape. Qifrey’s migration season is just starting folks, it’s a confusing time for him okay.

In contrast to Qifrey looking ahead into a dark wilderness, Olruggio in this chapter is almost always looking back. He walks away from Qifrey to talk to him over his shoulder, or he looks back towards the atelier. In the only scene where he faces Qifrey full-on, the past is so present on his mind that he de-ages them both. It’s interesting, because it adds a caveat to his pledge of listening to everything Qifrey has to say: he is not so much trying to adapt to Qifrey’s new situation as he is trying to bring them back to the childhood stage of their friendship, when they were always together and kept no secret.

This whole looking ahead / looking back dichotomy brings me back to the mentality of the Great Hall, a society obsessed with keeping itself in an insulated bubble, wrapping itself in good intentions and noble ideals, and ignoring its own inner darkness and complexity. Qifrey, because of his inability to be content and stay in place, threatens that delicate balance. That sends the other witches around him into such a state of panic and outrage that even those who genuinely love him end up lashing out at him with uncharacteristic brutality.

Prejudice and power imbalance in Qifrey and Olruggio’s interactions

I have described in my previous post how vicious and oddly personal Beldaruit got in his attacks against Qifrey in chapter 36, but you can make the same case for Olruggio, especially since the two scenes run in parallel. There is something excessive about the violence with which Olruggio confronts his friend. For one, he is choosing a hell of a time to do it: the girls are safe, there is no urgency to press Qifrey for answers right this instant – except if he is hoping to shock Qifrey into honesty while he’s disoriented. Qifrey has just woken up from a three-day coma; he is half-naked in a place Olruggio knows worsens his nightmares; his scar is exposed; he is half-blind because Olruggio has taken his glasses; Olruggio is literally an angry dark blob looming over him. I’ve often heard it say that Qifrey is manipulative towards Olruggio, but in return Olruggio isn’t above using intimidation tactics against him, consciously or not.

There is also the staggering lack of empathy of the approach: what started this whole thing is that Olruggio learnt about Qifrey’s impending blindness. And his knee-jerk reaction was to attack Qifrey about it. Like, um, my dude, your friend almost died, he is going to go blind and lose his job, you wanna try being sensitive about it? (Note that Qifrey running after the Brimhats didn’t trouble Olruggio that much at first: after his interview with the Knights Moralis he is mainly concerned with “getting his story straight with Qifrey”; it’s only later on, when we see him staring at the glasses he’s just repaired, that he starts voicing his doubts about Qifrey’s intentions). He may be right to suspect that Qifrey is hiding things from him, but there’s a pretty big leap between “you are keeping secrets” and “you are wilfully using your own child as bait”.

This whole suspicious climate, that makes Olruggio jump straight to the ugliest conclusion possible, is once again a feature of the Great Hall mentality. The mind of a person who has been in contact with forbidden magic is forever corrupt, and his actions are forever suspect. Had Qifrey been anyone else, he would probably have been given the benefit of the doubt for losing track of his students while he was, you know, extremely concussed and suffering from blood loss. Interestingly, Olruggio’s concern – whether, when faced with a chance to go after the Brimhats, Qifrey would choose his quest over his students’ safety – is addressed as early as chapter 22: after an instinctive movement to rush into danger, Qifrey pulls himself back and takes measures to keep Coco and Tetia safe, and even plans to call Olruggio and the Knights Moralis as reinforcements to help rescue the others. Then he gets hit in the head by a giant snake golem, and the rest is history.

In general, Beldaruit’s and Olruggio’s accusations that Qifrey is using Coco as bait without caring for her wellbeing just don’t hold up. First, all the attacks by the Brimhats so far have occurred in completely mundane, teaching-related settings with other adults present (at the stationary shop, or during an exam), so pushing blame onto Qifrey clearly comes from prejudice rather than evidence. Second, if Qifrey’s sole aim was to get clues on the Brimhats, he would pressure Coco into taking the Librarian test as early as possible, but we keep seeing the opposite: he encourages her to take breaks and to enjoy her training rather than be laser-focused on her goals. Hilariously, out of the two tests Coco passed so far, Qifrey gave his approval for none, thinking it was too early for her (extra-hilariously, Beldaruit is the one who speed-ran Coco through her second test). I’m just saying, if Olruggio hasn’t noticed any of this and can’t take it in consideration before bringing out the accusations and threats, maybe he’s not doing that good a job as a Watchful Eye.  

Another thing about this climate of suspicion, added to the power imbalance between Qifrey and Olruggio, is that it prevents them from having a healthy fight. Olruggio invokes his duties as Watchful Eye to berate Qifrey whenever he steps out of line, but when Olruggio lets his temper carry him too far and misuses his own power (when he drags Coco out to the Knights Moralis even though she had already been officially accepted as an apprentice in volume 2, or when he accuses Qifrey of using Coco as bait in volume 7 without proof), Qifrey never criticises him for doing so. It’s not that he is shy about speaking up to power – he is more than happy to yell at Beldaruit and Easthies when they mistreat his students. But when it comes to Olruggio, Qifrey is compelled to shoulder as much blame as he can, and seems almost afraid of saying anything negative to him.

It would have been justified for Qifrey to start chapter 40 by getting mad at Olruggio for his earlier accusations: Olruggio had been insensitive, unhelpful and completely out of line. But instead Qifrey pretty much encourages Olruggio to attack him again: from his “I thought you might be mad at me” to frantically denying that Olruggio might have ever done anything wrong. In return, there is something defensive in Olruggio’s delivery during the “I’m angry that I wasn’t someone you could trust” segment: he walks away from Qifrey as he gives the non-apology, and it comes out sandwiched between criticisms of Qifrey for being reckless and a long speech of Olruggio praising himself, and how everything would be alright if only Qifrey behaved himself and relied on him more. It’s an issue that this old distribution of roles is so well-entrenched between them, with Olruggio as the golden student and Qifrey as the eternal problem child.

Qifrey’s exaggerated gentleness and praise towards Olruggio participates in the feeling of wrongness that weighs on chapter 40. The memory erasure scene is framed like a kiss, and Qifrey keeps complimenting him even after sending him into an unnatural sleep. It would come across as condescending and manipulative, except for how fervently Qifrey seems to want to believe that Olruggio is perfect, and that any dysfunction in their relationship has to come from him.

Qifrey, focused as he is on his own dark secrets, is utterly unwilling to see any darkness in Olruggio. It makes sense when you consider that Qifrey has also been absorbing the prejudices of the Great Hall: he thinks very little of himself, and has probably been looking up to Olruggio as a moral compass ever since Olruggio took him under his wing as a child. He must also comfort himself with the thought that, when/if his quest drags him away from the atelier, Olruggio will be a perfect teacher for the girls. Having to come to terms with Olruggio’s flaws must be terrifying to him. But what about Olruggio’s perspective in all this?

Olruggio is an example of how even those who materially benefit from an elitist, close-minded society are damaged by it in some way. He grew up in the Great Hall as a bright-eyed, idealistic genius, and even as an adult he clings to the principles of that society like a mantra: “bring the blessings of magic to the people”. He is successful and respected by his peers, popular with the nobles and well-liked among the commoners. Yet somewhere along the way he became a ragged, workaholic hermit.

I have mentioned in previous posts that I suspect Olruggio of grappling with his own, deep-seated fear of being unwanted and left behind. He betrays that fear in the way he is attacking Qifrey: his concerns about Qifrey’s treatment of Coco aren’t based on evidence, and underneath that veneer he is mostly complaining that Qifrey is neglecting him. “Be straight with me”, “Don’t lie to me”, “You wouldn’t even tell me about it”, “You took her as a student without a word to me first”. There again, Olruggio is being a bit hazy on how far his influence goes as Watchful Eye: from what we know, Watchful Eyes are meant to ensure that students don’t get mistreated, but they don’t get a say in who teaches whom: it’s the disciples who choose their masters. Olruggio grumbling about Qifrey adopting more and more children behind his back is cute when we treat them as a couple. But from the perspective of their professional relationship, Olruggio is claiming the right to veto Qifrey’s students and take them away from him without any evidence of abuse.

The problem is that Olruggio is very bad at expressing his feelings without using his job, and therefore his authority, as a crutch. It’s endearing when he uses it to explain away his gifts to the girls (“I just want them to test a prototype”) or his marks of affection and care (“Drying your hair so you don’t catch a cold is part of my duties as Watchful Eye!”). However, it adds a layer of threat to his arguments with Qifrey, because he is constantly dangling that authority over his head, even when he is urging Qifrey to trust him. In his more agitated moments, it turns into a one-man good-cop / bad-cop performance (“Step out of line and I’ll report you” / “Why won’t you confide in me? I’m your best friend!”). Sure, he is willing to side with Qifrey against the Knights Moralis when he deems it appropriate, but here’s the catch: Olruggio gets to decide where the line in the sand lies, and that line seems to shift depending on how hot his temper is flaring at any given time.

It’s no wonder their conversation lends them in a dead-end when it is so one-sided. Thourghout the manga, and in volume 8 in particular, the author explores the idea that help should be a collaborative effort between equals, that encourages both parties to grow and learn more about themselves. Trying to unilaterally “save” someone is almost guaranteed to miss the mark and come across as condescending; it might even cause further harm.

Help as a collaboration between equals

Therefore, Qifrey and Olruggio can’t really come to any connection unless they make it clear that they are helping each other, not just endlessly acting out their roles as the golden student who knows all the right answers, and the problem child who must be saved from himself.

Aside from the framing, help as an equivalent exchange is the other key difference between chapter 40 and Qifrey and Coco’s dialogue earlier in the volume. In order to counter Coco’s doubts and growing self-hatred, Qifrey reinforces everything he admires about Coco: from her social skills and capacity for teamwork to her practical skills and her straight lines. He reminds her of all the things that she achieved so far. He also strongly hints that her fight is his fight, too, and that they should hold onto hope for each other’s sake. Finally, he makes a (pretty dramatic, unnecessarily literal and definitely unsafe, but still awesome) leap of faith by letting her decide what direction she wants to take next. His support isn’t conditional on Coco making the “right” choice, but freely offered. In return, Coco makes a display of saving Qifrey as well, saying she wants him right by her side while she figures out her path. The rescue itself is symbolic (it would actually have been safer for Qifrey to go back on his own), but Qifrey’s gratitude is genuine, because Coco made him feel valued, irreplaceable, just as Beldaruit and Olruggio were making him doubt his place as a teacher.

By contrast, Olruggio’s speech of friendship contains a grand total of ONE compliment, served in such a back-handed way that it sounds almost like a warning: “To Coco, you are a good teacher, so don’t betray that trust”. This is weighted against a slurry of criticisms about Qifrey’s recklessness, and heaps of self-praise. Olruggio is making a case for why Qifrey needs help and why Olruggio is best-qualified to deliver that help, like he is making a sales pitch to a client. It’s probably not a coincidence that Olruggio is remembering his successful bout of diplomacy in chapter 39 as he gears himself for his conversation with Qifrey. Olruggio, look, I get that you have more faith in your professional persona than in your regular self, but you can’t talk to your best friend like you are doing customer service, it just doesn’t work that way.

The help that Olruggio offers leaves no room for Qifrey’s input: once Qifrey has confided everything and laid himself bare, Olruggio will pick apart “where he needs the help” and “when he is about to do something stupid”, and either support or stop him as he judges appropriate. It reinforces Qifrey’s inferiority complex and interiorised guilt, by implying that his moral compass can’t be trusted. It also places the blame for Qifrey’s rash actions solely on his lack of judgement, rather than on having to grapple with complex, life-threatening situations and being caught in a pincer between a terrorist group and an oppressive system. There’s no mention that the definition of what’s “lawful” and “responsible” and “just” has gotten a bit messed up lately, and that Olruggio himself has had to compromise with his duties to cover for the kids. Olruggio fakes confidence in his capacity to fix everything, and pretends that things can go back to the way they were, but it would have been more honest of him to ask Qifrey to work with him so they can form a united front to face their new, complex reality.

Instead, by claiming that he is helping Qifrey out of a sense of duty, as Watchful Eye and as a friend, Olruggio reinforces the feeling that Qifrey is a burden to him. This gives Qifrey more incentive to keep his friend away from his investigations, and to see himself as expendable. In that light, since their friendship brings Olruggio so much trouble and so few benefits, betraying him and stealing the memories that relate to Qifrey’s secrets start to look like the lesser evil.

The only way that the conversation in chapter 40 could have gone well is if they both freely admitted to needing each other. However, it is too early in Olruggio’s character arc to be honest about his own feelings and worries. And it is too early in Qifrey’s character arc to see past his own self-loathing and recognize that his “perfect” friend also needs support and guidance. Yet, when they do, it is hinted that Olruggio can draw inspiration from Qifrey, and help Qifrey in a more meaningful way by highlighting how Qifrey matters to him, letting them reach this stage of true collaboration.

What Olruggio wants from Qifrey

I think Olruggio is repressing a sense of disillusionment about his work, the fairness of the system, and his usefulness as a witch. We see glimpses of his anxiety in chapter 39 notably. While he says that his true role is to help the commoners, circumstances keep reminding him that like it or not, his main function is decorative. He gets dragged in on short notice to be yanked around by petty nobles and arrange light shows at weddings; he has to act in secret to help the destitute, and even then can only do so much before the rules of magic society get in his way. So far he manages to keep his head above water, using his talent for diplomacy and showmanship to keep the nobles appeased, and finding small, creative ways to help commoners without breaking any law. But it leaves him with the feeling of being trapped in an increasingly constraining role, and is slowly pushing him towards a burn out.

He seems to feel a kinship with princess Mia, who like him is used as a tool in petty squabbles between nobles. He even metaphorically puts himself in her shoes: after likening her situation to being trapped in the spotlight in a dance she doesn’t want, he applies the same metaphor to himself and his inability to act outside the narrow constraints of witch rules, of being constantly watched and judged. And then, adorably enough, Olruggio actually brings Qifrey into the metaphor. He muses that Qifrey, who has gone against established rules before, might be the key to escaping that dance.

For all that the “problem child” / “star student” dichotomy has been weighing on Olruggio and Qifrey and warping their friendship, there is a flip side to it as well. As a prodigy who always pressures himself to perform perfectly (to the point where he will work himself to a zombie-like state and then hide behind a mask to look perfect and pristine in front of his clients at parties, Olruggio no), Qifrey provides a chance at escapism. For all that he berates him for causing trouble, Olruggio seems to fondly remember their old adventures. It’s possible that he valued the opportunity to do rebellious, forbidden things without having to jeopardise his reputation. His fear of being left behind by Qifrey is then also a fear of losing his hope that, when the pressure of being the perfect witch becomes too much to bear, Qifrey will be there to break him free.

In summary, Olruggio wants Qifrey to be his rebellious prince who breaks him free from the ballroom, and we respect him for it. Qifrey had his reasons for not being able to confide in him, and they both have a lot of character development to do before they can reach a stage of actual collaboration and trust. But I don’t dispute that taking his memories was a dick move. Thank you for coming to my ted talk.  

[vluepapers]

Reaction to Rejection

Characters: Venti, Noelle, & Barbara

Heads up: The relationship dynamic with you and each character is pretty different. So how heavy one's reaction doesn't reflect on all characters cause of that. (Also it'll depend on my knowledge of each character cause the more I know em the more heartbreak-ish it'll be. Thanks and hope you enjoy!)

Contains: fluff, angst, some spoilers for stormterror, & minor (?) spoiler's on Barbara's lore.

Smol Summary: How they’ll react to being rejected by you romantically.

Venti:

- Mah boi is h u r t

- How could you do that to the (self-proclaimed[and possibly true]) cutest and most talented bard of Mondstat??

- Other than that, of course, Venti didn’t expect the rejection. He really believed that there was a spark between you two. Or at least a hint of chemistry. Everyday felt like a fresh breeze when he was with you. Even the simplest of pleasures, such as playing the lyre, humming a tune, or simply having a drink, is much more enjoyable when he has you around.

- Didn’t you feel...the same?

- He thought you liked his child-like gimmicks and his little pranks. Even though you are an adult, the youth inside you never passed away. Which was how you two could get along so well in the first place. You have your own life, job, and bills to pay, so he understands that you can’t always be a part of his life. But he loves that despite your busy schedule, you make time and put in the effort for him to be a part of yours.

- Venti believed that you wanted him to be a part of your life but...it's rather sour that you'll only ever mean it as friends.

- He’ll probably be in shock for 5 seconds and then you’ll see the gloomy aura in his eyes as he tries to laugh it off. Fails, but gives you an apologetic smile and says sorry for the awkwardness. As you try to stop the heart-broken bard, he disappears into the wind.

- Off to the bar he goes...

- To buy a few bottles with whatever amount of mora he had in his pocket. Which was empty, great.

- Expect a lot of wailing, weeping, whimpering, and stuttering when he teleports to Dvalin and tries to explain the situation as he stuffs his mouth with an apple to lessen the pain. Might not talk to you in a few weeks, but hopes you two can still stay as friends.

Noelle:

- Noelle only said her true feelings in the heat of the moment.

- She couldn’t hold it in any longer, but it’s not like she expected a relationship. She believed such things will get in the way of her training, but the way you carefully treat her wounds, listen to even her strangest ideas, and how you were able to make even the shortest of breaks seem so lovely in her memories. It was hard for her to not fantasize the ‘what if’s’ in her head.

- And that’s how it ended, unfortunately.

- She knew, deep down, that everything you’ve done for her was because you had a good heart. Because you saw her as a good person. One who helps the people, so you hoped to repay her kindness, even just a little. 

- Listening to her troubles, engaging in small talk, reminding her to take care of herself, tending to her wounds. Everything you’ve done is what a good friend would’ve done as well. But did you ever consider Noelle even as a friend? Noelle doesn’t know and, to be fair, she wouldn’t like to,

- ‘You were just a crush, weren't you?’

- ‘Our conversations aren’t that long and I’m mostly the one talking...’

- ‘But I know your name, hobbies, and the basics but...with this level of knowledge, aren’t we only acquaintances?’

- ‘It should be true, right? Shouldn’t it?’

- ‘Yet...why does it hurt?’

- Expect a few tears running down her cheeks, but she’ll most likely wipe them off completely as they start to multiply. Excuses herself as she speed walks past you. Will completely avoid you for a few weeks and cuts your conversations even shorter. Might try to cope with overworking herself to a certain point to get you out of her head, then starts to realize that this isn’t very healthy.

- Kaeya would lessen his ‘requests’ and might offer her a drink or some company for the time being. Amber and Eula would probably try to give her advice though whether it works is a...different question. Though of course they'll do their best. Sooner or later, I'm sure she'll move on with everyone's support. Though things might still be a little awkward between you two...

Barbara:

- You did what to who?

 O h    b o i

  Albert’s boutta beat someone up-

- Aaaaaanyways, you’ve always been Barbara’s #1 supporter, even before she was the ‘Beloved Deaconess of Mondstat’. In the past, when she only considered herself to be the black sheep of the Pegg family, she felt helpless. Of course, Barbara is a natural optimist, but she finds herself always lacking compared to her sister. Whether it be combat, grades, or anything else. She was but an atom in the cosmos compared to her galaxy of a sister. Though she never lets it get to her and keeps moving forward. With every step she takes, and every fresh path she finds, she’s simply happy to have you along for the ride.

- Compared to Jean, she lacks many things. Yet she’s glad that at least to you, Barbara as herself was enough. When she first started singing idol songs, you were at the square poorly moon dancing. Treating her first patient? “YEAHHHHHHH THAT’S OUR BARBARAA! TOP TIER HEALER EXTRAORDINAIRE- Oh no shouting outside the Cathedral? Okay-” After she gained her vision? You just kept on smirking to no end while being a broken record repeating “I told you soooo” over and over. Though before all that happened the validation she gained from the people couldn’t compare to the amount they showered on Jean. Heck, it couldn’t even compare to the compliments you received for being one of Jean’s spar buddies at the time.

- You had a thing for swordsmanship, while it wouldn’t compare to Jean’s level. Despite being younger, you could almost surpass her. (Okay by almost I mean barely-) This made you and Barbara the two little kids who always challenged Jean to battle. Whether it be one at a time, two at a time, or maybe if you're both feeling bold, a surprise attack. In the end, you both always seem to get the shorter end of the stick, yet it never tasted bitter for any of you.

- Though as Barbara grew, she decided to find a new calling and became a healer. If she wasn’t fit for the front lines, then the next best thing was to support those who are. One of those people, being you. She wanted to support you with all her might, in the same way you supported her through all these years. She always considered her feelings for you as platonic, but to any outsider's point of view, it was anything but. The way she looks at you with such gentle & loving eyes, how she holds your arm with a kind grip, and how whenever she talks to you, it’s as if you're the only person in her world. It was as clear as day to everyone that she loved you.

- If only you felt the same. She confessed her love for you while you rested at her lap, but wouldn't think that you'd hear it. Usually you'd pretend that you didn't hear a thing but it was too late...she noticed. You were at a lost for words and felt nothing but pity for the girl. You loved her too, but not in the way she loved you. Deep down you knew how she felt even long ago, but you never wanted to ruin the friendship you had now. “...I’m sorry Barbara. Is it okay if we just stay...friends? Maybe?”

- Barbara looked stunned. She didn’t want you to hear anything, but her heart couldn’t hold it. She quickly apologizes yet before any words escape, her eyes couldn’t help but water. Her teardrops landing on your cheeks. She knew how she felt and knew even better that you didn’t feel the same.

- Yes, at first, she wanted others to recognize her, but as time passed, most of all she wanted you to acknowledge her, not as a friend, but as someone that could be so much more. So she kept trying and trying, but nothing ever worked. Healer? Idol? Vision holder? She’s grateful for all, yet none of it turns your head. A good personality, a good friend, and has a bright future?

- She’s blissful to have it all and yet she can’t have you. So she just thought that maybe it was for the best, and that she should accept her role as your best friend. Supporting you as you had supported her but...why isn’t it enough? Why do your words hurt so much?

- She expected this, she always knew yet- the tears aren't stopping. You reach out to dry her tears but it’s too much for her to handle, so she quickly flees the scene. She couldn't believe that the friendship she cherished yet despised the most was evaporating before her very eyes.

-Let’s just say...it’s going to take a possibly long while before you two are on good speaking terms. You may or may not be on Albert’s hit list though considering he’s always been a loyal fan of Barbara and so have you, I’d say he’s more disappointed than pissed. You both seem to actively avoid each other in public, you do it to give her space, and she does it since she doesn't know what to do next. Most likely visits the cathedral more often looking for advice from the Anemo Archon.

-Venti probly heard the news of the two cutest-supposed-to-be-couple and is attempting to cheer Barbara up with some tunes. Kaeya & Lisa probably trying to give some advice, Jean’s comforting her, Amber offers her some Sticky Honey Roast, and Rosaria’s most likely is going to go softer on her.

- Wonders deep down if you two could ever be anything again. After all, anything beats nothing, right? Maybe being 'just friends' wasn't so bad after all... Though you know Barbara, she's strong enough to take anything in life. This will pave new paths for her to take...but this time, you won't be there to walk alongside her.

- For now...at least.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Can we take a moment to talk about what a tragic character Minerva is? Y’all know that for the longest time I haven’t been the biggest fan of her, and honestly I’m still not? but I think I might’ve had a breakthrough on why that is. 

Whenever I’ve asked around to see why people find her so appealing or why they consider her their favorite, I’ll get answers like, “she’s such a complex character and she deserved a redemption arc!” or “she should’ve come back to the school with us! Let Minnie be happy, you cowards! Telltale did her dirty! I could write paragraph after paragraph about her!” all sorts of things along those lines… but like, no one seems to want to actually talk about her. I find that interesting? Since when I do follow up with a “care to explain further?” I get nothing. Radio static. Like…. no, talk to me please, I just wanna understand-

Minerva within the context of TFS is such a tragedy. She grew up in a school for troubled youth where all the adults left them for death at the start of the breakout, they had walkers trying to eat the living all around them, and I’m sure she saw her fair share of traumatic violence and despair… but on the bright side, she always had her twin sister, Sophie, and little brother, Tenn. She had her friend and eventual girlfriend, Violet. She had music, and a dorm full of pretty paintings done by Sophie. She and Louis composed a song together to make everyone feel better. There are worse places to live than the school. 

Then one day she got traded away to a bunch of raiders against her will, having no idea what the hell these people were gonna do to her and Sophie. They were made to be soldiers to fight in a war that had nothing to do with them. The delta fucking broke her. If we’re to believe Lilly’s story about the twins, they started their brainwashing process early on when Sophie was still alive, and it seems like Minerva was easier to control as Sophie was still planning a way out and causing trouble. Then, when Sophie convinced her to steal a boat and get the hell out, they got caught and the delta forced her to murder her own twin sister. 

Like…. I’m sorry, not only did Minerva kill her own sister, but she was made to believe that was the right thing to do? That line she says about how she had to prove her loyalty to the place she calls home? That shit’s ingrained in her brain, you can tell that isn’t the first time she’s heard or said that very thing. That is what made her family to the delta. Delta is her home now, her family. Sophie was just a thing that needed to be dealt with. You keep your head down, do as you’re told, and you survive.  You survive and you get to go home, eat a hot meal, take a shower, and be with your delta family.  If not, you end up like Sophie.

What’s also fucked is that Minerva actually cares about these people now. Think about that. After everything they did to her and made her do, she’s been trained to see them as her family and obey. When you save Louis and he kills Dorian, Minerva actually cries out and is visibly hurt by her death. When she’s with the other raiders on land, she's screaming at walkers to get away from them. She cares about the people who made her kill Sophie… and no one ever talks about that??

She fucking hates Clementine. Clementine is just another thing in Minnie’s way. I know the part of the fandom likes to ship these two together and they think it’s hot when they fight and shit, but within the canon text, Minerva wants Clementine gone. Dead. She is the thing stopping her from having her old family merge with her new family. If Clementine hadn’t made them fight, they all would’ve been captured and they’d all be a delta family now. She would’ve had Tenn back. 

Clementine is the problem, she made everyone fight back and that’s why people are dead. Minerva hates her for it… it’s not a “I hate you but like the sexual tension, y’know?” that I see people pretend it is, it’s “you are ruining everything and if I have to, I will kill you myself and I won’t give a second thought about it when they toss your body overboard.”

Like….. seriously, think about how fucked up all of this is. Minerva is a husk of who she was before she was taken away. Sure, you do have to keep in mind that when Tenn and Violet are describing her, their sights are a bit clouded, y’know? But I do believe that she was someone who was kind and cared about people, she wanted to make people feel safe and comforted. 

Now she’s a brainwashed soldier who won’t help the people she used to call friends when they’re about to get limbs cut off. She won’t hesitate to knock someone unconscious or threaten a child.  She’s willing to trick them into being captured with no regard for what’s going to happen to them. … all she knows is this was the mission, and now they all get to be together again back at the delta. 

Then when she finds out there’s a bomb on the boat, she ditches Violet to blow up with it in order to make it to land herself. She loses her shit seeing everyone die and gets her face chewed off by a walker… and then she tries to blow Clementine and AJ up with a grenade. 

Oh, and who can forget the fact that she tracks the group down with plans of murdering Tenn so that they can go to a better place together? And she’ll take down anyone who gets in her way?

Like….. jesus christ, Minerva’s waaaaay too far gone. It’s awful. 

I think that’s what stumps me about why she’s so loved in the way that she is. It’s not that I don’t understand why she’s complex and well-written, I get that perfectly fine. She’s a compelling character study when you comb over all her scenes and take different factors into account.

What I don’t understand is why we tend to just throw everything interesting about her away? For what? 

These days, I never see anyone talking about any of this unless they’re insisting she deserved a redemption arc which…. Eh, I’ll touch on this later. What I mostly see here and mostly other platforms is how great it would be if she and Clementine made out, or hey what if she and Violet got back together if she did come back to the school? Or they just….the best term I have for this is “uwu-ify.” As in she’s reduced to a caricature of a tall, pretty, mean, white lesbian who has “good damage.” 

People insist that Telltale are cowards or bastards because their predictions of her turning on the delta to save Clem and crew didn’t happen. Instead, Minerva ends up being the final baddie you gotta get away from, and she ends up taking someone down with her. But did you really expect to just do a 180 and suddenly decide being brainwashed for over a year was lame and Clementine and friends are cool? Gonna help them out and be with Tenn again? Sure, there’s some left over trauma but love conquers and fixes everything, right?

Uh…. no? That’s not how people work? Honestly, if we entertain the idea that Minerva wasn’t bit and somehow didn’t murder Clementine when they all got back to the school…. romance is the last thing she is ever gonna think of??

I think that’s what bothers me most when reading these au’s and rants about redemption and the entire idea of clemerva as a whole. It’s the same thing that I see happen with Violet- Minerva only has value to fans if she’s in a wlw relationship. By herself, she doesn’t matter. They don’t care about her canon story, they don’t care about Sophie, they don’t care about discussing what could’ve happened if she and Tenn reunited under better circumstances or had a healing recovery together. But why?

Throwing a girlfriend at her isn’t some band aid that’s gonna cover up all the bad she went through?? Having an enemies to lovers romance with Clementine isn’t going to fix a years worth of brainwashing, trauma or the fact that she murdered her own sister and the delta told her she's proved her worth to them?? 

Having the support of those around her is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. The idea of the Ericson crew as a whole trying to help her out and do the best they can to accommodate her is bittersweet since there’s only so much they can do. They’re not trained therapists, which is what Minerva would need and plenty of years ahead of her to work through and come to terms with everything that happened as well as taking steps forward. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t have friends or that she couldn’t have a healthy romantic relationship someday... but that isn’t the solution, y’know? 

I don’t know how else to explain this, but it makes me feel weird that all of this stuff is flat out overlooked or doesn’t appear to matter to fans of her. 

Look, I get it. We all want these characters to be happy. AU’s are a thing, after all. Sometimes we want to forget about the bad things and focus on the good that bring us comfort. You wanna gush about the idea of an AU where the twins never got traded, the raiders didn’t exist, and Clementine got to meet them the way they were before? I feel that, AU’s are super comforting and fun to explore, and my point isn’t to try and shame anyone who has an AU you like this. 

Hell, you think I don’t have days where I pretend mute Louis isn’t a thing because the whole concept of Louis having his tongue cut out of his mouth breaks my fucking heart? No, lot’s of days I just want to forget everything about that route, I want to set aside all the bad and just intake as much clouis fluff as I can get…. But that doesn’t mean I always ignore or refuse to acknowledge the bad just because I don’t like it. I fucking hate the fact that Louis loses his tongue when you don’t save him, but guess what? That’s a canon route you can play, just like any other route, and the possibilities that come with a mute Louis are vast and compelling. 

This is how it is for me… my favorite characters are my favorite for a reason, and I take all the bad with the good. Louis isn’t perfect, and I don’t want him to be. I was to dive into his backstory about why did that to his parents, I like to talk about what he went through with Marlon’s murder and his feelings about AJ and Clementine at the point, I like to view his love of music as bittersweet. He can stand on his own, and while he is a love interest for Clementine, that isn’t his only purpose. 

I know everyone’s different, they express their love for characters in their own ways, but I do have a genuine question: do you guys actually like Minerva?

Believe it or not, I’m not trying to step on toes or make everyone feel defensive which I know is how people will react to this. “You’re just saying all of this to make us feel bad for shipping clemerva! You don’t even like Minnie so you don’t get to say shit!” yeah yeah, I hear you and look, it’s true that she’s not my favorite character. I know I’ve said I hate her in the past but upon reflection and throwing out fandom interpretations.... I don’t hate her. I get it now. She’s a great character study to dissect and analyze and I think she deserves more than what the writers and the fandom have given her. 

And yeah, what I do hate is clemerva, and I’ve explained why. It’s not for me, it makes me uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, who cares? Me not liking it doesn’t mean anything to those who create AU’s for them. They have their reasons, they can do as they please as long as they’re not hurting anyone. I’m just here pointing out things I see and things that bother me in hopes of starting a discussion.

There’s my ramble about Minerva. I’m gonna go make some tea now.