#they’re autistic too but ableist! ableist I say

[soullessjack]

ive been thinking a lot about how adrien was supposed to be disabled during his concept development and how much of a missed opportunity the whole thing was, like. on one hand I honestly respect the writers for backing out of a topic they thought they wouldn’t be able to handle well; not to say the representation in miraculous is anything great but it shows they do care about it at the very least, which is more than most media can say. I also know this was a decision that came way before the show even started, but I feel like Tomoe Tsurugi is proof that they can write disabled characters and do it in a way that’s fairly decent, so i feel like they could still incorporate it in now since their prior concern is pretty much ruled out (they’re never gonna do this).

and narrative wise I think it would add very much to the entire Agreste family arc, like idk. you could have his disability be a result of the peacock’s damage, or damage to his Amok. have it be part of the reason why Gabriel is so controlling and isolating (ie; viewing his son as frail and made of glass now) and distant/abusive (viewing his son as now “less than perfect,” at least in terms of what he’d envisioned for a perfect child, and blaming Emilie’s sickness/death on it). Adrien’s modeling career is entirely just inspiration-sensationalism with a “hopeful ray of sunshine” public persona. it can even be important to cat noir, too! it’s still an escape from his home life and career, but it’s also a chance for adrien to show that he’s not as fragile as gabriel thinks. It’s his own way of having independence and autonomy and for once being someone that isn’t constantly pitied or made to pretend he’s a docile ray of sunshine constantly.

I’m also deeply autistic enough to say it could match with him being the holder of destruction; half of his life is centered around preserving him and, again, treating him like he’s made of glass. so why not give him the power to literally crack and shatter that glass? poetic cinema and all that. additionally it adds to both why he’s so unserious with his role as a superhero and why he values his partnership with ladybug so highly—he’s indulging in this new freedom while also recognizing that the partnership it comes with is about the only one where he’s genuinely treated as an equal and trusted to take his own part in something. that’s not to say I think all of his friends would instantly change personalities and baby him (especially not Nino) but let me tell you, even as someone who’s not physically disabled, the distinct feeling of being othered or unequal is there no matter how much support you have.

everybody knows this already but there’s just so much potential in everything that the writers don’t do reagghhhhhghhhh

[skeleton-monarch]

yknow some of you have gotten real comfortable mocking hyper-empathetic people because some assholes use it as an excuse to be a dick to those with low/no empathy

you guys do know that hyper empathy can cause issues? like it’s a real thing?? you know this, right???

[disabledbutchblues]

able-bodied neurotypical people want quiet disability. invisible disability. they love it when we don’t complain and don’t shove our needs in their face. they love it when we stay home and die quietly instead of trying to live (but they don’t like it when we stay home and need caregivers).

[paragraph about self then next ones on more general and important things] i recently realized that i make many people uncomfortable irl because i talk about my symptoms. i wasn’t aware it was wrong, because i’m autistic and struggle a lot with notions of public vs private space, and what can be said to whom. i’m very open about my disabilities and struggles, both because i don’t realize i’m saying something i shouldn’t, and because i don’t have a choice and often can’t mask (i am not high masking. not low masking either tho). i don’t wear unnoticeable noise cancelling headphones, they’re not good enough for me at all, i wear big obvious ear defenders with a fluorescent part. i sit down on the floor of a store if my legs hurt. i don’t sit normally anywhere, including at school, because i can’t, i can’t sit correctly and not move, it’s painful. i don’t hesitate to tell people i have terrible executive dysfunction. i openly say i am in pain and need to rest, even if it’s abnormal for a teenager to not have a healthy strong body. when it seems relevant to the conversation, i share the fact that i struggled with an eating disorder and self harm and that i recovered/am recovering. when someone asks me how i am doing, i tell them i’m feeling terrible because i am in pain or because i am suicidal or because i am overwhelmed— this is partly a choice to be open about my disability, partly the fact that i don’t notice until it’s too late that they don’t want me to be honest, and party the fact that there are many things i cannot hide. i tell people that i am not independent, can’t cook, can’t go to new places alone, can’t shop, can’t maintain hygiene and that i don’t shower enough or brush my teeth regularly. when someone asks if i plan on learning how to drive i say that i don’t want to right now because my processing issues would be dangerous and i would get in an accident. i tell people i have meltdowns and shutdowns at school. i hit myself in public sometimes.

yet i am not visibly disabled. i’m very lucky and privileged within the disabled community. i am visibly weird and there is visibly something wrong with me but i am only visibly disabled to someone who spends some time with me and sees me unable to process informations or unable to do IADLs. strangers don’t know i’m disabled until i tell them— they mock a symptom or ask why i can’t do something and i say i’m autistic, i’m disabled, i’m in pain. and they already hate that i tell them. they say it’s private. they say my struggles are something personal. something to talk about with doctors but that no one else should have to know about.

some people are way more disabled than me, visibly disabled, disabled at first glance. some use mobility aids, full time or not. some have intellectual disabilities, some use an AAC device, some have a physical disability that cannot be concealed or an intellectual/developmental/mental disability that very obviously affects the way they move or communicate. some people don’t have a choice to mask or not to mask, don’t have a choice to be visibly disabled or not. strangers will immediately notice that these people are disabled, even without engaging in a conversation with them. and they hate it ! disabled people are supposed to be quiet and invisible and going outside with ear defenders or a mobility aid or anything, no matter if it is a small or a huge accommodation, is too much. but the bigger it is or the more you need help to do a ‘basic, easy’ thing, the worse it is. they stare at me in the street because of my ear defenders, but they don’t just stare when someone is in a wheelchair, they touch and break and don’t have any respect.

ableists think disabled people shouldn’t be in their way because they think we shouldn’t exist or that we are worthless. having an accommodation or an aid in public is already activism for them, already disturbing, already forcing them to see that they are privileged and that the world is not accessible.

to exist as a disabled person is beautiful. it’s brave. it’s something to be proud of. not because it’s inspiring that you are strong enough to live with your disability, not because "someone else would have killed themselves already in your situation," not because "i could never be like that ! you’re so courageous !", but because ableism is everywhere and it’s so hard to live in this world where they don’t want us to exist. it’s so hard to advocate for ourselves.

and for those who are not visibly disabled (like me), or at least not always ; for those who have low support needs ; for those who know how to mask : point out inaccessibility. force people to see their own ableism. make them uncomfortable. it’s also our job, our responsibility. if someone mocks me and calls me useless because i can’t do IADLs i say i’m disabled, stay very calm and inform them that many people are unable to perform BADLs without help and that they deserve just as much help and respect as anyone else. if someone points out how annoying my ear defenders are i ask why the place isn’t accessible for people in a wheelchair. etc etc. listen to people with higher support needs than you and amplify their voices. but also act irl.

we can all do better and force society to be better to.

and remember that accessibility for you doesn’t mean accessibility for everyone.

a place that accommodates sensory issues might not have accessible toilets. so it’s not good enough. an autism support group meeting has stim toys and ear defenders and happens in a quiet place ? that’s wonderful ! can a nonverbal person participate ? are caregivers welcome ? we can’t just think that "something is better than nothing." yes it is, but it’s not good enough. if a place or an event is accessible for one thing but not for something else, then it’s not accessible. and we need to be loud about it.

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

ok calling out tumblr as a whole rn, gonna keep this reallll brief and simple

Leave. The Neil Gaiman fandom. ALONE.

are the takes coming out of it right now rancid? Yes.

It has been LESS THAN ONE DAY.

LESS. THEN. ONE. DAY.

Everyone rn talking about how they “already knew” and then using that as justification to engage in the WORST, MOST PERSONALLY INSULTING, DEGRADING, HEARTLESS, DEHUMANIZING, AND *CONSISTENTLY FUCKING ABLEIST* BEHAVIOR I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SITE

All y’all need to step back and remember when and how you DID learn this about Neil, or about powerful people/celebrities in general. y’all know you didn’t process it instantly, cleanly, or without any emotional turmoil, grief and deeply bad takes on the way to acceptance. And I’m sure the vast majority of y’all have SOMETHING that you like right this instant where you “separate the art from the artist”. This isn’t a “gotcha”, that’s LITERALLY JUST A NORMAL PART OF MODERN MEDIA CONSUMPTION

and even if you’re some pure untainted angel who only likes things that were entirely created by good people and has the ability to instantly detach all emotional, artistic and other ties to a piece of media once it becomes Bad(tm)….

You still have no right to treat these ppl like this. Plain and simple. These are the reactions of people who just had their view of their favorite author shattered

YESTERDAY

and while some will inevitably stay and defend Neil (fuck those guys), the majority WILL process this and react appropriately, just like I did, just like yall did.

(and if “appropriately” turns out to involve taking back the fandom en masse… listen I’m leery on it too but I think it would be a genuinely good idea to try. Interesting if nothing else, and absolutely not a cause for further hate) To treat entire fandoms this way, this immediately…. I am hundreds of times more ashamed to share a fandom, a website or a PLANET with y’all than with the ppl saying stupid shit while processing this stuff for the first time. The news itself was upsetting but unsurprising. Seeing y’all turn into Reddit chuds projectile vomiting anti-autistic stereotypes and telling people to off themselves is making me genuinely fucking sick.

I’m so angry. All this finally coming to light and you’ve all chosen hatred. Fuck you, fuck all of you. I don’t even have words.

Edit for clarification: I am NOT asking that Neil or his fans not be held accountable. I am asking people to have the basic fucking human decency to give the fandom ANY TIME AT ALL to process this stuff before rolling out the personal insults and su*c*de baiting.

Give People Time To Sort Through Their Feelings. Let People Process. Not forever, just a few days. Most likely yall didn’t process this instantly when you first learned about it, so stop expecting others to. Don’t be dicks. That simple.

EDIT TWO:

This post is NOT calling out criticizing people who defend Neil. Again: FUCK THOSE GUYS. This is a post calling out the massive amounts of hate currently directed at people who are just fucking upset, who believe the victims and feel furious, betrayed, etc, and yes even people whose first thoughts were of their fandoms. If they aren’t defending Neil, they aren’t defending Neil. In fact if they’re being weird and messy about fandom or internal stuff, it’s pretty clear that they’re FUCKING FURIOUS at Neil.

In fact, perhaps consider redirecting all this hate to the people actually defending Neil, instead of people who obviously hate him but whose processing methods are kinda cringe.

[badaziraphaletakes]

can you please stop? screenshotting someone else’s post is extremely rude and only makes the fandom a worse place. talk about a bad take you saw, describe how it’s harmful, and vague all you want, but don’t screenshot. i agree that most of these takes are awful but that’s no excuse to do this to people. either confront the person who’s take you don’t like or make your own post. stop screenshotting, please.

Either confront the person who’s take you don’t like or make your own post.

The assumption that I didn’t try that is where you went wrong. I (mod X) started this blog only after I tried many, many times to confront people about their offensive takes directly and it didn’t work. I was subjected to appalling harassment and even bigotry. That’s what happens when you try to engage with someone who’s being offensive.

I had been throwing the idea around for weeks and what finally decided me on starting it was that I found out that I wasn't alone. That the anti-Autistic bias and the ableism and the transphobia and the victim-blaming and the misogyny (and on and on and on) that we kept seeing and being subjected to was ruining our enjoyment of this show. This was bigger than just me.

FTR, most of the takes that are submitted to us (note that I'll be switching between "I" and "we" in this reply depending on the context) don’t have a handle attached to them, but of the few that do include a handle, 99% of the time I have recognized it as someone who I have seen being so bigoted that there was no possible way I could engage with them. We don't confront people directly partly because we don't want to direct people who disagree back to the OP's blog, and partly to keep the mods safe.

You say “do this to people” like this blog is committing some kind of outrage, which is absurd. We are, at worst, being slightly rude (which I think is justified considering sarcasm and humor are one of the only weapons we have to fight back against hate), whereas most of the posts we comment on are outright hateful. They’re the ones “doing this to people”.

We are being far more considerate of the writers’ feelings and their dignity than they ever were of other people’s in the fandom. The takes are not just ‘awful’ (although, that too haha); they are actively harming vulnerable members of the fandom, and, more concerningly, are spreading messages that will poison our views on how we should treat Autistic people, ab*se survivors, and the like in broader society. Quite frankly, the people who are spouting the kind of anti-Autistic/ableist/victim-blaming/otherwise bigoted crap that forms the bulk of the content we feature here deserve to have their posts screenshotted. People who say things like that do not deserve to be handled with kid gloves in response.

(Also I don’t have time to re-type and slightly paraphrase every bad take I see. And if I did, people would throw out “no one is really saying this”. And even if it weren’t for that, I don’t think it’s reasonable or appropriate to expect me to use my time that way.)

Incidentally, nothing is stopping people from messaging/asking us or commenting if they recognize a post as their own, but only one person has ever done that, asking if a post was theirs. I replied that it was, leaving the ball in their court. So far we haven’t heard back from them about the matter, which is fine. But I digress.

As for this blog making the fandom a worse place - even though it’s only a few weeks old, I’ve had an average of two new people a day, every day, tell me how grateful they are I created it and how it makes them feel safe and how it’s the only reason they haven’t left the fandom. I’ve even had multiple people say “I was going to leave the fandom because of that specific post and then your blog called it out and I felt like I wasn’t alone”. So yeah, I'd say screenshotting is important here.

There is a subset of the fandom - many of us Autistic, Disabled, ab*se survivors, GNC, trans, and/or otherwise oppressed - who have been made to feel EXTRAORDINARILY unsafe by the Aziraphale hate (which far, far too often is thinly-veiled hate for some of the aforementioned groups of people) and the truly scary way people double down when we push back against it. So I don’t care if people are annoyed by my sharing a screenshot of their post. Not when this blog has become a safe space for so many people who otherwise would have had Good Omens ruined for them by the bigotry and general hatefulness we keep seeing.

LSS I will not stop building this tiny lil corner of the internet that is the only part of the fandom where many of us feel safe.

I actually made a post addressing almost this exact thing a couple weeks ago; if I can find it, I’ll add it here in a rb.

[bloodyinkandquill]

Katana x audhd reader!

(audhd is autism and adhd)

did my best to be accurate to katana’s character while including many common autistic and adhd traits/problems for reader!

- Katana absolutely does not treat you any different due to your neurodivergence, and does his best to be accommodating and not to baby you for them either

- He’s very blunt and direct with his way of speaking which is a relief for you as most people aren’t as direct and it’s so confusing, however he gives double meanings to words like corruption and evil but he’s completely understanding if he needs to explain what they mean to you multiple times because you don’t understand (honestly i can’t fully tell what half of the symbolic shit he says means)

- Thanks to his mask you don’t need to make eye contact, it’s great, he prefers to wear it wherever he is, he doesn’t enjoy seeing his face as it gives him too many bad memories, but you try and be there and understand it, even if he doesn’t wanna burden you with all he’s gone through

- Since cafe trio (what i call shuriken, vine staff, and slingshot) are close to Katana you become close with them too, however they can be kind of loud and overwhelming so he understands if you get overstimulated and need to take a break form them, he does sometimes too, they apologize afterwards for it and even if they struggle if they’re too overwhelming for you they try and be more calm around you since you’re Katana’s partner and they like him and by extension like you

- He loves listening to you info dump, he’s more quiet but hearing others talk about what they’re passionate about makes him happy, so rant to him all you want, he’ll listen attentively and ask questions

- Likely being taller than you as he’s 6’8 he enjoys holding you, that is if you enjoy physical touch, if not he respects that and doesn’t touch you unless he asks and gets permission, he understands as he also is more reserved about being touched by others

- Katana would probably take you drinking with him and Hyperlaser if you asked, neither would mind if you drank alcohol or not, but depending on where they drank sometimes it’s a lot more stimulating, they’re more calm and quiet opposed to if they go to a proper bar where people are chatting loudly and tv’s are all around, if you do join him and get too socially exhausted and need to leave early he and Hyperlaser understand even if they are a little bummed to have their time cut short

- If someone’s ableist towards you and you can’t/don’t want to handle it he will gladly take over and put that person in their place, he cares about you so much and hates seeing people treating you differently just because of your neurodivergencies

- Plans dates for you two if you hate making choices, just verifies it’s alright with you first, and makes sure your not masking when you say sure to his ideas, if you do enjoy planning stuff he lets you do it as it brings you joy and he just wants you to be happy

- If you sometimes go non-verbal Katana can accommodate you very well, I like to imagine he knows sign language so if you know it you can use that to communicate with him, if not he teaches you enough words to communicate with him effectively while you can’t speak

these are centered around reader being audhd so if someone wants general katana x reader hcs please let me know! (when trying to type the exclamation mark i somehow opened my emojis and put the fucking ape emoji (🦧) and lost my shit) i also did my best to be inclusive to the different kinds of ways that both adhd and autism present and not just the way they present in me (idk if i’m audhd or just autistic) and to not be stereotypically since it’s so ingrained in our society unfortunately, just like the ghostwalker one if i have any other thoughts in the next day ill add them!

[atom-writings]

tangerine with an autistic s/o

0.7k words ~ gender neutral headcanons

tw: mention of ableism and subsequent violence

a/n: its my account i write what i want

Being somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum himself (don’t @ me,) along with his brother being autistic, it’s unlikely that Tangerine would end up with someone neurotypical anyway.

Constantly nicks you stim toys. It’s like a challenge to him since they’re usually bright and loud somehow.

He finds it so cute when you miss social cues, but he’d never say anything about it to you. He knows it can be embarrassing, and he doesn’t mind explaining what people mean.

He’s endlessly paranoid about the people he loves, so expect constant check-ins. Whenever you’re in public, he likes to hold your hand tight so he knows you’re safe (which is so, so nice when you’re in a crowd.)

When you’re on the verge of going non-verbal or having a meltdown, he notices immediately and gets you out of there. If anyone tries to say anything, he doesn’t even give them the time to do so.

“An’ who are you now? Nobody, tha’s right, fuck off.”

Whenever you talk about your special interests, he pretends he isn’t interested. He’ll sigh and make stupid snarky comments, but if you look closely, you can tell he’s still smiling a little. In reality, he doesn’t mind.

“Right, calm down luv, it’s really not tha’ big of a deal,”

“It’s a big deal to me!”

He sighs heavily and leans back in his chair before speaking again, “An’ by extension… me, now?”

“Yes!” Your ecstatic expression makes him groan, but he still has to cover his mouth to hide his smile.

But still, you might not notice he was really listening until he offhandedly makes a comment that only someone who had been paying crazy close attention would know. 

He might even know things you don’t, just because he comes to associate whatever you love with you. It comforts him to engage with your interests when you’re separated.

As you already know, Tangerine is a prickly person. Normally, he’s quite prone to anger and fits; but with you, he does his best to always remain level-headed. He doesn’t want to hurt you, especially he knows how sensitive you can be to anger. But he can’t help it sometimes. He’d never yell at you, at least. Anything too harsh is apologized for quickly. 

He’s working on it. You are one of the two most important people in his life, after all.

Speaking of which, expect to spend a lot of time with Lemon. Especially at the beginning of your relationship. He’s very nervous to make the wrong move and scare you off, and knowing that Lemon (also autistic) is there makes him worry a lot less. 

Generally, he doesn’t take criticism very well… especially when it comes to his behaviour… but he does try to be as receptive as he can when you’re the one criticising him.

Ableists get the shit beat out of them. Every time. Without fail. He will not stop this even when you ask. Although, if it makes you cry seeing him do that, he might stop himself early just so he can take you home and comfort you. 

Making you cry is the ultimate sin to him.

Even more “extreme” stims and tics don’t bother him. He just tends to tune them out like he does anything else.

He also might be even more vigilant about bringing along your comfort/accessibility items. Before you leave the house, he grabs you by the shoulder and checks you have everything. Again, paranoid.

Along with that, he may be a little infantilizing sometimes. He wants to always be by your side to make sure you’re alright, which can become… frustrating.

Like yes, it’s nice that he wants to drive you everywhere so you don’t have to worry about driving yourself or taking public transportation, but also you’re perfectly capable of doing those things by yourself (or if you’re not, I guess he’s just your knight in shining armour.)

If you’re otherwise incapable of doing some things, like speaking or cooking or whatever, he really doesn’t mind doing them for you. It makes him feel even more like your protector, which makes him so, so happy. As long as you pay him in affection, he won’t complain.

Actually, that’s not true. He complains about everything. But you’ll quickly learn what is “real” complaining, and what is just him being like that.

“Sweetheart, I wan’ you to know tha’ if anyone ever said anythin’ about you tha’s like- rude, in any way, I woul’ personally blow their brains out, understand?”

[emmatism]

To everyone saying that Kyle Gordon became famous from making fun of autistic people

And I say this as an autistic person

No he did not

If you see the videos of him pretending to be that one annoying kid that WE ALL KNEW in elementary school and immediately think “this guy is mocking autistic people” you’re the ableist one

And even if a majority of the “annoying kids” were autistic, that doesn’t take away from the fact that they were annoying. Being autistic doesn’t give you a free pass to annoy people. Again, I say this as an autistic person myself. Like if you deem somebody/something they’re doing as annoying, and you immediately think “this person is autistic” you’re the problem.

Ableism would be if he was outwardly making fun of the the autistic/special ed kids. But he’s not. He’s making fun of that one annoying mf who was almost always named Tyler or Ryan who thought he owned the fucking school

And I think we can all agree when I say that THAT kind of kid was the fucking worst and got away with too much shit

So, before you start attacking him or anybody who enjoys his content, simply don’t💜

[emmi-sturniolo]

i love nick, but wtf? making ableist jokes such as stimming, blindness, and deafness is outta pocket. the streams were positive and fun to watch before nick got back to la from australia. i know people are gonna say “but they’re siblings it’s normalllll” no. i have two siblings and i would never talk to them like that, nor would they talk to me like that. it’s so annoying how people try to defend nick with their lives. it’s also annoying and lwk pissing me off how nick KNOWS that he fucked up, and acts like nothing happened and posts about his brand instead of owning up to it. completely ignoring what he did. he’s gotten cancelled like twice this year. we can’t keep defending him. first it was the space camp controversy, now it’s the ableist jokes. chris is the sweetest person ever. he doesn’t do anything wrong. he was being HIMSELF when nick said he was “stimming out like a psychopath”. my nephew is autistic, and i would never make a joke about his autism. nick has never owned up to anything. an apology would be great. i’m sure multiple people can agree with me. nick is getting too disrespectful argue with a brick.

[bluedalahorse]

Public perceptions of Sara as a neurodivergent in love

As far as Sara’s romance arc goes in Young Royals, something I’ve thought a lot about is how there’s this ableist tendency to infantilize autistic people, and part of this ableist infantilization comes down to downplaying or ignoring or erasing autistic people’s sexualities. Luckily, there’s more shows recently that have pushed back against that in some form—Everything’s Gonna Be Okay and Heartbreak High being among them. (Everything’s Gonna Be Okay even has an ace autistic character to nuance things all the more.) Young Royals first and foremost pushes back by giving Sara a love story in her own right, full of as many ups and downs and complex turns of character that Wille and Simon’s relationship does.

There’s a second thing that I think might be going on, and it’s subtle enough to me that I want to see how season 3 plays out before I can say “this is for sure a thing that’s happening in the show.” And that is the way that other characters respond to Sara’s potential for romantic and sexual attraction, whether they’re downplaying it or actually seeing the reality of it. Now, Sara’s Manor House pals at least acknowledge her potential to feel attraction and be in a relationship, and that’s good, but it feels sort of… abstract? And while Sara does lack the experience the other girls have, they tend to presume a level of innocence and naïveté on her part that doesn’t quite match up with Sara’s more complicated reality. (Also, this may just be my bias speaking, but Fredrika’s comment about Sara’s virginity particularly grates on me. Fredrika plays it off as a compliment but I don’t think it’s meant to be kind.) Meanwhile, when it comes to Sara’s interactions with Simon, we see her teasing him about boys and boyfriends, but he doesn’t seem to respond to her in the same way. Not out of malicious intent I don’t think, but it was something I noticed in their interaction.

It also strikes me that Sara and August were in a secret relationship all season 2 and as far as we know so far, no one noticed. Neither of them is very subtle in how they’re texting the other one and they’re both always sneaking off “to go get a textbook” or whatever. Boys have walked by Sara as she’s walked through the halls of Forest Ridge dormitory. It wouldn’t be that hard to figure out! Felice lives with Sara and doesn’t suspect secret boyfriends or anything. I’m curious to see what the Hillerska rumor mill is like in season 3—whether anyone did pick up on the little sargust tryst like they did the wilmon one, or whether Hillerska students failed to notice because they don’t see Sara as being inherently connected to romance as someone like say, Felice is. Naturally Sara’s class background and gender play a role in that as well, but identities always interact and we can’t leave neurodivergence out of the equation.

We talk a lot about how Sara’s neurodivergence impacted the way she got into a relationship, mostly in terms of how her neurodivergent traits impact her sense of morality and the way she reads certain social signals. What I haven’t seen people talk about as much is how other people in her life perceive her neurodivergence and her capacity for romantic and/or sexual relationships. I’m curious, too, to know how intentionally the show is addressing this. As season 3 deals with the fallout of season 2, I wonder to what extent other characters might try to pigeonhole Sara as childlike or not in full understanding of her own feelings, as they try to make sense of what happened with Sara and August. And I wonder to what extent Sara will have to fight back and claim her own agency in relation to these feelings, even as she’s left this relationship behind.

What do you all think?

[milimeters-morales]

okay under the readmore is part 1 of a oneshot i wrote about an autistic miles morales for fun, but overlapped pretty conveniently with disability pride month at the time. Really self-indulgent, and i got some nice reviews on it and wanted to test sharing my writing on here for autism acceptance month ^.^

Content Warning: Miles does self harm a good amount in both parts without realizing, and thinks some pretty ableist thoughts (at least I think they would be considered that) about himself every now and then.

Word Count: 5k+

Pairings: Minor Milesganke, everything else is platonic!

Miles lets his feet dangle off the side of the building, his heel hitting the brick wall to a rhythm in his head. One two, swing out, one two, swing out, one two, shake-swing out, and start all over. He layed back on the roof, soaking up the last of the warmth from the sun and heated concrete. It was a common thing he did, this rhythm and movement, it helped him calm down or keep him from getting too bored. Too bored was bad, too bored was almost physically painful, but it’s not like he’d tell anybody that. Well, anybody besides Ganke. The other boy understood that perfectly well, it’s one of the many reasons they’re best friends.

He wasn’t sure why he actually did this though. But he didn’t like to think too hard about it, and he’s always got a lot of other stuff to do anyway!

Speaking of, Miles sits up, still letting his feet hit the wall and bounce off, when there’s a pained shout from below. Seeing a man in a dirty chef’s apron bending over with a hand on his back and a pained expression, Miles jumps down from the roof and lands quietly on the street in front of him.

“Do you want some help?” He asks him. The man nods his head to the paint buckets on the ground next to him, and Miles easily picks them up, barely registering the weight. The man walks stiffly and a bit hunched inside his shop, telling Miles to set the paints down on an empty table.

The inside was a mess. Napkins littered the floors and tables, sauces on the seats and counter, and a whole uneaten meal sat alone on the far end of the counter. Miles glances again at the man. He’s sweaty, exhausted looking, all alone in here going by how Miles can hear only his heartbeat, and he just hurt his back. There’s no way Miles would leave this man to deal with this mess himself.

“I’m gonna clean up these napkins so we don’t slip,” Miles tells him, already picking up the pieces. He wouldn’t slip of course, but the man definitely would if he wasn’t careful. “So, Mr…”

“Call me Bob,” the man says after putting the paints away somewhere in the back of the kitchen.

“Mr. Bob, how’d this even happen?”

Mr. Bob sighs and runs a hand through his short hair. “My kids invited their friends over, made a huge mess, left before I saw it, you know how it is.”

“Yeah,” Miles agrees, not knowing how it is at all. He throws all the napkins in the trash and was about to ask where a towel was so he could clean up some of the sauce mess, but Mr. Bob places his hands on his back again.

“Hey Mr. Spider-Man, how about you run along? My back is killing me, and I don’t wanna make you clean up alone,” he says, eyebags somehow becoming more prominent by the second. Miles winced under the mask and hoped it didn’t translate through. 

“That’s nice of you, but are you sure? I really don’t mind,” Miles offers, making a sweeping gesture to the rest of the mess still in the store.

“Nah nah nah, it’s fine. It’s my kids who should be cleaning it up anyway. I’ll make them do it when they get home,” Mr. Bob explains. 

Ah, okay. That’s better than the man just working in pain. 

“Alright. Bye sir!” Miles leaves Mr. Bob inside the shop, and swings away to another rooftop. He wishes he knew more about treating bad backs though, he might have been able to help more! Maybe he could ask his mom? But wait, would that be an overly familiar thing to do for a stranger? Surely not, helping someone in pain is what he does nearly everyday anyway…but some people get real upset if he has to help them, and he just doesn’t know why. Ugh, so complicated, and for what?

Doing a few extremely low swings that end up sending him high into the air, he lets the wind press against him with each rise and fall. It’s like being smushed, or hugged just tight enough to make you so relaxed that you feel weightless. He gets dizzy sometimes, but in a good way, he promises. He wishes Ganke could feel this. He wishes a lot of people could feel this, actually. They’d be much happier, he’s sure of it!

___

It’s not like he’s… embarrassed, he guesses is the right word, to have to keep shaking his hands at his sides. It’s just that he gets weird looks sometimes when he does it. It’s not often at all, it’s actually pretty rare, but when it does happen, it makes a weird feeling curl in his stomach and around his throat, making it hard to speak, which is embarrassing. It makes him stutter, pronounce words wrong, makes him unable to focus on whatever’s happening, it even made him tear up one time. It’s different, when he just doesn’t speak for a while, because at those times there’s nobody pressuring him to talk or for an answer on why he’s “being weird”.

“Well?” the officer asks. She pointed out his shaking hands, and asked him why he was doing that. And Miles was going to answer her, he was! It’s just… the way she said it. It was like when he got caught drawing on his worksheets and the teacher made him throw the entire paper away and start over. Or his parents caught him sneaking small animals under his clothes into their apartment. Or when the kids at school would try and see what he was drawing by looming over his shoulder. 

His chest felt kind of tight. Why did he even let her approach him? He tries to avoid as much interaction with the cops as much as he can besides calling them to places

“I… uh…” was all he could manage to utter. It felt like everyone was staring at him, even when he knew that it wasn’t true.

“Spidey’s still around?” Oh god, of course his dad is here. And approaching rapidly. 

“Yeah, was trying to ask about the hand shaky thing, but he just froze up,” the officer explains, turning away briefly- Miles can feel the tightness just a little- shrugging with a raised eyebrow. She tucks her hands in her pockets and turns to look back at Miles. Great. The feeling was back.

“Oh, this?” His dad asks, copying the moment, making it much harder for Miles to not shake his hands. Thanks a lot! “My son does that, lots of kids do that. You don’t do that?” 

Miles wants to run, so he does. Not like he needed to be there anymore anyway. He’ll go somewhere that calms him down so much to the point where he doesn’t even need to shake his hands.

___

Pavitr tightens his hold on him, arms a comfortable pressure on his waist. He nuzzles into the crook of Miles’s neck, humming when Miles lets out a happy sigh. 

They do this, sometimes, when the stress is becoming too much. Just hold each other. It works out great, because Pavitr loves giving hugs, and Miles likes getting hugs, and they have no problem being this close to each other. 

Miles traces a figure eight onto Pavitr’s back, fingers feather-light on him. He doesn’t like pressure the way Miles does, says it makes him feel trapped and anxious, but Miles couldn’t disagree more if he tried. Besides the obvious bad-pressure, like a building and debris falling on you, there’s good-pressure, and that pressure is what Miles craves almost daily. It makes him feel much closer to whatever’s going on around him without making him hypersensitive to it- he can focus better, basically. The weight on his body is like a firm reassurance that he’ll be fine, that he’ll be safe, and that he’s… real. Not some mistake and about to float away into non-existence, or whatever. 

He’s heard of weighted blankets, and has been wanting one for a few years now, but he’s always chickened out when it came to asking his parents. And it’s not like he can ask any of the other spiders, then he’d have to lie to his parents how he got it, and he’s trying to keep the “lying to your loved ones” part of being Spider-Man to a minimum. Plus, he just doesn’t think it’s that serious. It’s not like he’ll die without it.

Miles stops drawing the figure in Pavitr’s back and simply rests his hand on the back of his neck. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Pavitr mumbles into his neck.

Miles wishes they weren’t wearing their suits. He’d much rather feel the vibration directly on his skin.

“Nothing,” Miles answers automatically. The two are silent for a bit before Miles continues, “Oh, there was this cop. She kept asking me about this thing I do with my hands-”

“The stimming?”

Miles ignores the interruption and continues, “-where I shake my hands when there’s too much energy somewhere and I get all antsy.”

“Should’ve brought Hobie. He would’ve dealt with her,” Pavitr says, shoulders shaking lightly with silent laughter.

Miles rolls his eyes and raises his chin to rest it on Pavitr’s head. His hair was so soft, it was another thing Miles liked about these cuddle sessions, he guesses he’d call them. Pavitr was a good mix of soft and firm, like a foam cube in a gym or children’s play area.

“Wasn’t really her fault, I just got nervous. Thought she would call me weird or something,” Miles mumbles.

“Don’t they already do that? In the uh- the uhh… The news company with the musical instrument.”

“The Tuba?”

“Yes! That is the one, haha,” Pavitr giggles, “remember when they called you a clone of Peter?”

God, does Miles remember. Not only was it completely out of nowhere, it just didn’t make sense for so many reasons. One, how could a clone be a different race? Two, why would a clone be way younger and have no idea what he’s doing? Wouldn’t you want your clone to be just as smart as you and the same age, so when you died, it’s like nobody would notice? They even sounded different! People called him down just to try and rip his suit to see his face for days, causing fights to break out between civilians when someone tried to defend him. He couldn’t just fight back like usual, so all he could do was lightly slap their hands away or shove them off and swing away, and then just deal with his lowering reputation that came with “self-defense.” He was glad that there were a good few people, his parents included, ready to defend Spidey if they saw that happen in front of him, but it didn’t really matter. He really hated, still hates, the Tuba for that.

He can’t see the humor in it, but a lot of other people found it funny, so maybe it was just a him thing like it sometimes is… yeah, he's probably just missing something. Miles closes his eyes and says, “Yeah,” and relaxes again when Pavitr’s sensed his hold had gotten too loose and tightened it around Miles again. 

He’d have to leave eventually, but he’ll enjoy this time while it lasts.

___

“Miles, stop that, you’re gonna get a cramp in your legs,” his mom scolds him lightly as he passes by her.

Miles looks down, and hurries to flatten his feet from walking on his tip-toes. That was always embarrassing to have pointed out, but at least he wasn’t in public doing that. 

___

It was all too much. He thought coming to Gwen’s dimension would calm him down, it was much prettier than his and a huge inspiration when it came to art, so he thought he could come here after a particularly bad fight to just enjoy the sights and maybe draw them. But now, he can’t stand the sight of most things. He can’t even stand the feeling of anything. He was huddled on a roof, a dirty, disgusting roof, there’s probably dirt all over him now and his stupid suit- it’s too on him, he can feel it and the sweat scratching at him and trying to seep into his pores. The creases causing awkward pockets where the suit isn’t actually touching him, but he can still feel it, the thought of all the germs and dirt and god , the trash, the wet trash --

how would that feel?

--his body jerks violently and he falls to his knees.

He wants to yell. But even that would feel wrong. He’d feel his voice in his teeth for god’s sake.

He takes off his gloves, but he isn’t even able to enjoy the cool breeze hitting his now exposed hands because his nails, his fucking nails , they hit the concrete and scrape lightly. The feeling sends shivers down his entire body and makes him rip his hands away as if he had been burned, and bite down hard on his fingers. He can’t fucking stand it. He- it’s too much. It’s all too much. 

nails on chalkboard 

silverware scraping

that man coughing down the street

the smell of approaching rain

metal on your teeth

blood under your nails

flesh squelching in the rubble

sickening crunch 

his breath on your face

digging in your skin

too heavy too close he’ll kill you he’ll kill you

His thoughts spiral, he can’t control it. One bad feeling, and he can’t stop thinking about the other bad feelings just like it, and it keeps going until his brain reaches the end of its list. 

He hates this. He hates that his brain even does this, that it even thinks it’s the right course of action. Nobody else’s brain does this, he bets. Why is his so dumb that it can’t even realize it’s only making things worse? 

Miles keeps biting on his fingers and starts biting on the rest of his hands when the feelings aren’t going away. He tries to him to his favorite song to calm down, but it doesn’t work- nothing is working-

Gwen is here, he vaguely registers in his mind when a black and white blur lands in front of him. She’s here, and she’s grabbing his wrists and pulling his hands out of his mouth, and she’s trying to hold him. He scrambles back, but she catches him and lifts him bridal style. Miles tries to kick out and shoves his hand in her face to make her drop him, but she holds on as tightly as possible. The pressure from her fingers digging into him is- good. Bad. It’s just more touch - he doesn’t want touch right now, he wants pressure-

holding you down you’re a mistake breaking your neck is so easy keep fighting keep fighting 

“I know,” he hears faintly. Was that him, or Gwen?

He keeps thrashing in Gwen’s hold, almost escaping once when he bit her shoulder and started to scratch, as she hopped from rooftop to rooftop. It was all a blur, he could only focus on how her heartbeat was too loud, and the feeling of her fingers and just her being so close was confusing his stupid fucking brain, it was all good, but it was actually all bad because he didn’t want that now, it made it worse actually.

“I’m sorry, I know,” he hears Gwen apologize to him. 

God. Someone end it. Someone cut him out of his skin. He can’t be here. He tries to wiggle out of her grasp one last time before he gives up and brings his hands back up to his mouth to bite down, to have any sort of control over anything he’s feeling.

“It’ll be okay,” Gwen whispers- still too loud.

He doesn’t really remember much else.

___

Miles rouses slowly. His eyes don’t open immediately when he tries, the crust is uncomfortable on his skin, and his limbs feel like they were made of stone. He turns his head to the side, only to be met with webbing. He moves his body slightly, feeling himself swing. So he’s in a hammock then. That’s fine, it’s better than waking up on the floor. Or that rooftop.

Wait, the roof, Gwen, he bit Gwen-

He sits up and looks out of the hammock as best as he can, quickly spotting the girl gently rubbing her now bandaged shoulder with a solemn expression. Quickly scrambling out and crawling down to be next to her, apologizing before he even hits the ground.

“Gwen, I am so sorry, I have no idea what came over me, I don’t know why I did that to you, I’m so sorry-”

Gwen stops him, “Miles, calm down, I’m fine, see?” She gestures to her shoulder, and his eyes trail down and catch her bandaged hand.

He doesn’t even remember that one, and that makes him feel even worse. Shame curls in his gut, makes his fingers twitch, he feels disgusting.

“Listen, you aren’t disgusting,” Gwen says gently, “you were scared and in pain, you might have been overstimulated. I know it gets really hard to control what you do. I’ve done, like, the same thing.” 

Miles nods, not believing her.

“Seriously Miles. I’m not mad or anything.”

Yeah right. Who wouldn’t be mad after being bit and just… being forced to deal with whatever that was. Even he’s mad about it, because it never lasts. It always ends eventually, he doesn’t know why he was being so dramatic and violent when he could have just stayed still and dealt with it until it passed.

It’s whatever. It’s over now, and Gwen is clearly trying to move on from it. He shouldn’t make her more upset. Talking with her is already like walking a tightrope, lately.

“I uh, I wrapped you up in that hammock. Did that help? You said- well, not really said, it was more like… mumbling, that you just wanted pressure. So did that help at all?” Gwen stumbles through asking, fiddling with her hands and furrowing her brow.

Her question takes him out of his thoughts for a second. “I guess it did,” Miles says after a moment of consideration. He honestly wasn’t sure how he was feeling, but he certainly wasn’t feeling bad, so that’s definitely an improvement. He’d have to keep this hammock idea in mind, how did he never think of that?

And like the strings controlling her had been cut, her shoulders drooping and lenses closing as she breathes out a sigh of relief (look at what you did to her, Miles), Gwen reaches out to him. She stops right before they make contact, allowing Miles to move forward and finish the hug. Gwen hugs tighter, but in weird waves, like she doesn’t actually know how long a hug is supposed to last and keeps trying to part when she thinks she should. Miles loves it anyway, because it’s Gwen, and the last time she hugged him this tight was when… oh, nevermind that. He doesn’t want to think about that right now.

Gwen’s hug tightens again, and he feels the tension in his body slipping away.

___

The one thug that’s still conscious decides to try his luck at talking with him. 

“So I noticed something…”

Congratulations , Miles doesn’t say. He doesn’t have the energy to speak to anybody for the night, and while people didn’t really like that because it also tended to mean Peter was ready to beat someone to a pulp, they’ve learned that sometimes the new Spider-Man was just… didn’t speak.

“Why are you organizing us by shoe size? And you got Har- um, gray tennis shoes wrong. He wears a size 11.”

A good save on the name reveal AND a correction so his order is perfect? Well mister, looks like you’re walking away scott-free tonight!

Just kidding . Miles smiles to himself as he picks up “Gray Tennis Shoes” and places him in between Blue Nikes (size 10)  and Black Boots (size 12 and a half). He turns back towards the talking thug, pointing to his shoes, who sighs before answering, “Size 7. And a half.”

Miles smiles wider as he drags the cocooned man to the right spot, and begins walking away to investigate the den.

“Wait, you didn’t answer my question! Why are you organizing us like this?” The man calls out to him, trying to sit up but failing. 

Because he overheard cops on duty making fun of the way he organized people by their hair color last time. He had to go for something a bit less noticeable. Obviously. 

But Miles doesn’t say any of this, because he just doesn’t want to. Not like he had to answer that guy anyway.

___

Now, don’t get him wrong. He doesn’t have complete control over when he wants to speak or not, as much as he’d like to pretend he does to save himself some embarrassment from admitting it. And it seems to be both random and stress-induced, which is already bad when you’re Spider-Man. Most of your days are extremely stressful with worrying about the best outcomes, the best and most effective ways to save people in danger, time management because of school or a job interview or a party your parents threw that you cannot be late for again, the usual. The simple moments to help around are like a mini-break where he can take his time to breathe and get a second wind, so they’re greatly appreciated. Don’t even get him started on the power-naps he can sometimes sneak in if it’s a calm enough day with just the right temperature and breeze…

Off track. Basically, he can’t always control if he goes silent or not.

Right now, during the cleanup after a fight, where all the debris is moved to small piles for him and others to clean up, and any civilians injured are given medical attention immediately or taken away to hospitals, he can’t speak. The villain- which looked surprisingly too high definition- only stopped attacking after it heard a little girl screaming, and it was pulled through a portal by a red, blue, and white hand. Miles didn’t even care about a Rhino from a different dimension somehow turning up here, and what that could mean about the (worsening) stability of his dimension, he just wanted to curl up somewhere nice and dark, and sleep for fifteen hours.

But Spider-Man has a duty to the people.

He removes the last bit of rubble from on top of a woman’s car, tears in her eyes as he guides her away from the smashed vehicle. She’s certainly going to have to replace it, but she definitely has bigger things to worry about, like the glass sticking out of her arm from jumping through the storefront window to avoid the Rhino’s rampage. 

That was pretty badass of you, he can’t say. He frowns. He wanted to make her feel a bit better. That’s one of the many drawbacks of this unwilling silence, it prevented him from comforting people in the way he knows best: talking their ear off until they’re too absorbed in (or annoyed by) his ramblings to freak out.

He sits with her in an ambulance that’s treating the people with more minor injuries. The paramedics are stretched thin, so he’s here taking the smallest pieces out of her arm while the paramedic is on her other side and checking for a concussion. 

The woman winces.

Sorry, he can’t say, but he looks up with a sad expression to meet her own exhausted and tear-streaked face, and knows the message isn’t getting across.

He goes back to pulling the glass out. He can’t even apologize for all the pain he’s causing her.

Focus, Miles.

“Spider-Man, you’re alright?” The paramedic asks after the woman is cleared and sent off. The hospitals have been at their highest capacity since… ugh. He doesn’t want to think about it when he has something to focus on now. “Not a talking day?”

Miles shakes his head, already making his way to help other people.

The entire time he’s pulling more glass shards out, holding more hands through painful processes and anxious checkups, hugging more children and holding more babies as the parents are found and reunited, simply sitting with those too shocked to even understand what had just happened, not once does the barrier come down. The people look to him for words of encouragement, assurances that it’ll be okay, they cling tighter to him and hope he’ll say something kind to ease their fear, that the person on the stretcher will survive and heal just fine. 

And it breaks his heart when people see he won’t say anything, it makes him feel so useless, what is he even sticking around for? He sees the hope leave their eyes, sees it replaced by grief, by horror, by nothingness. Nothingness is the worst, if you ask him. They’ve given up because he can’t even muster up enough strength to say a few simple words. It shouldn’t be this hard for him, Spider-Man, to say “you’re okay” or “take a breath” for god’s sake! If he could, he would yell until his throat was raw about how he was sorry for all this pain he’s only made worse. How everyone would be fine, just don’t look at the bodies! How they just needed to follow his breathing, and to follow him to the ambulance! Don’t worry about your destroyed car! How he’ll do better, he won’t let something like this happen again, how didn’t want this, didn’t choose this, he wants to tell them so bad-

But he can’t. So he doesn’t.

The probably-now-orphaned girl clings to his legs as they stand in front of a pile of rubble Miles hadn’t moved yet. He knew there were bodies (or what used to be bodies, anyway) under there, heard the heartbeats instantly stop while the Rhino threw the hunk of concrete so he could hold Miles down and slam his fist into his entire body. He thinks she was the one who screamed and stopped that Rhino for enough seconds to be taken away. There was blood splattered on the bottom of her frilly green dress, and all over her legs and shoes, and Miles just hopes she has family somewhere that’ll take her in. 

He really should move her away from this. At least cover her eyes.

You’re a hero, he can’t say. And I know it doesn’t mean anything right now, but you’ve saved a lot of people, he hopes his look to her gets across. You saved me.

The girl looks up at him with angry eyes and a dirty face, clean lines created by her tears going down her cheeks. Some good that did, she’s saying.

Miles says nothing, because of course he doesn’t, and holds her hand as they walk to an ambulance. She needs that blood cleaned off her.

___

Miles sobs into Ganke’s pillow, wishing the boy would return from the nurse’s office quicker. It’s been a week since then, and now he’s finally able to talk. So of course the first thing his brain makes him do is cry so hard he can’t even breathe properly. Ganke was appropriately freaked out by his sudden crying spell, and went to go get an ice pack for him for the headache that was sure to follow. 

The hiccups are bordering on painful now, his teeth and jaw aching from grinding his teeth so he doesn’t cry too loud when he needs to take a break from practically suffocating himself in the pillow. He can still see the blood on the ground, on the rubble, and on the little girl’s dress. 

He closes his eyes and covers his ears, for a reason he doesn’t understand, curling up and sobbing some more into the pillow. He tries to dig his toenails into his other foot’s skin, the pain doing nothing but making him flinch. Maybe it just wasn’t the right spot to get rid of it, these thoughts. If he found the right spot, maybe even combination, his brain would focus on the pain instead of these horrible memories. 

He removes his face from the pillow and bites down on his hand and scratches at the side of his face, his thighs, his neck, any skin he can reach. He finally feels the switch from “slightly painful and annoying” to “very painful, we’re in danger” like a gentle wave, and releases his hand from his jaw, letting out a weak cough of relief as he falls limply back onto the bed. His breathing makes it sound like he just ran a marathon, and It aches and burns like he just did too. A lot. His mind is blessedly empty and numb, he realizes, as his eyes struggle to stay open. What’s he fighting it for again?

Ganke. Right. Ganke was coming back with an ice pack for the headache that hasn’t hit yet. Stay awake for Ganke.

He inhales his friend’s faint scent from the pillow and sheets, and feels the dip in the mattress from where Ganke sleeps, a bit off center. Miles always tells him to flip his mattress, but he never does.

He faintly hears the door opening over the blood rushing in his ears, and feels a hand grab his own. The touch is gentle, but is gone before he has the chance to lean into it. There’s a welcomed cold sensation on his forehead, making him shudder and sigh.

And he’s waking up, the alarm screeching into his ear and making him groan in annoyance. He goes to smash the alarm clock, but a hand catches his before it could do any damage.

“Not this time man,” Ganke’s sleepy voice scolded from above, “we aren’t replacing that thing again.”

Above?

Miles opened his eyes, realizing he was in Ganke’s bunk. Oops. An apology was already on his lips as he peeked out from under the bunk, but it died on the tip of his tongue at the sight of Ganke’s bed-head, squinted eyes, and scrunched up nose. 

“You good? Because I had to take care of your hand last night,” the boy asks with a yawn.

Miles looks down at his hands and his eyes widen in shock. His right hand was bandaged up in a white gauze, albeit a little sloppily, like Ganke was in a rush or something when he did it.

“Yeah, sorry if it looks bad. It’s just that I wasn’t really expecting you to break skin,” the boy tells him, “have you seen my glasses?”

“They’re on your forehead,” Miles tells him in a fond tone, “and thanks man. I know it’s weird-”

“Uh uhn, don’t start that now. It’s too early in the morning for me to talk with you about if anything’s weird or not.”

Miles shrugs and rolls his eyes. “It’s always too early in the morning for you,” he says as he tries to find his clothes to get ready for the day.

___

Dear Diary,

Haven’t been the best lately. It’s like i’ve only been hurting people and myself. I bit Gwen a few weeks ago, then i couldn’t speak and help people when that Rhino dude came, and last night i bit my own hand. I know it’s bad and gross, but it feels like it’s the only thing i can do sometimes even when i can’t really control it. And it works for me most of the time so it’s real confusing. It’s like i don’t have control, and then next thing i know i’m biting myself, and i’m calmer. Ganke says it’s not weird, just worrying, but i’ve never seen anyone else do it. Guess i never really bothered to look it up either because i know it’s bad. wanted to end this entry on a good note but i can’t think of anything. tomorrow is another day though so there’s that.

Part 2 >>>

[noddytheornithopod]

I'm aware of this sudden spike of discourse around The Good Doctor, and while I have never seen the show and I think many Autistic people are right to feel uncomfortable about how it portrays them, the way people are treating it with memes and stuff to criticise it bothers me?

Like I'm seeing even Autistic people instead of engaging in thoughtful critique just share memes and mock the character in it. And like, you can say it's "bad acting" or an "inaccurate portrayal", but I still think there's something uncomfortably ableist in how people are acting?

Like, the way people are acting is like when people act like bullying "weird" people or people who don't have friends is fine, but suddenly you find out they're Autistic and then you find out it's all bad to do that now but only because they have that formal label.

That's what this whole Good Doctor thing reminds me of. Thing is, even if it might not be true to you... I know other Autistic people who watch the show and even relate to the character. It might be problematic or not fully authentic, and you have every right to feel that way, but the thing is, not every Autistic person is the same. Some of us DO respond in ways many of us would write off as stereotypical. Some of us DO act in ways that might make us uncomfortable, and are not what we want to think of ourselves as.

Like, it feels a lot like there's a lot of respectability politics going on, deciding what the "right" way to show us is like, which is ironic given we're trying to fight a lot of stereotypes in the first place, which TGD sounds like it does fall into.

I might even go as far as calling it purity politics, in that we're so concerned with how people see us that anything uncomfortable is making people react poorly and lashing out as a result.

I will reiterate, I have not seen the show. I've heard mixed opinions from the friends I've spoken to, their relationship with it is complex. It doesn't sound like something I'd care for, especially with the neurotypical lens it's created through.

But my ultimate point is... no one of us is the same. We're not a monolith. Even if the show does suck hard, some of us might still relate, and they're not bad people because of it. Deciding who is and isn't a "good" Autistic is gatekeeping bullshit we don't need.

So yeah, you don't have to like The Good Doctor. You can hate it. But the way people are mocking it instead of having serious nuanced, empathetic discussions feels just like one step away from giving Allistics permission to mock us.

You can go "oh it's from us so it's fine!" but people still can internalise bigoted beliefs about themselves. Look at the purity politics in queer communities, for example. To act like your actions have no consequences is pure arrogance.

Also, think of how it looks out of context. I know I just whined about respectability politics but seriously... random person making fun of an Autistic character? Even if you make excuses, it still looks shitty, even if your reasons ARE valid.

I'm not defending this show. I do not have interest in doing so. What I'm concerned is that Autistic people have given in to internet toxicity and the need to appear perfect to the point we're willing to throw anyone who doesn't fit the "good" narrative under the bus.

And lastly, if you see me not uncritically mocking the show in a way that would be identical to a neurotypical bully at work or school and think that makes me your enemy, you're exactly who I'm talking about. Take a breath, step back, shut up, and reflect on yourself. You're really going to give into petty infighting over a show that some people have more complex feelings about than just pure hate when there's groups like "Aspie Supremacists" and the "Autistic Dark Web" out there?

You're not making our lives better by putting people who have diverging opinions about a questionable show on twitter or whatever. If you genuinely want better, more nuanced representation (I do too!), start by not putting each other down in the first place.

[marcusbrutus]

I feel like I have a tumblr anon in my brain…. Like a tiny cop. But it’s an chronically online anonymous weirdo. And every thought I have, I get “anons” telling me how it’s problematic and I should kill my self LOL The other morning I saw an RFK sign and I thought doesn’t he have brain worms, someone running for president shouldn't have brain worms. maybe apply for literally any other job. and the anon was like ummm ableist much? Like WHAT. I turned off anon on tumblr a while ago, so even if I post something “risky”, someone will have to tell me what they think to my face. They can’t hide. Even posts I think are innocuous can be wildly misinterpreted, and someone will probably call me problematic. But even if no one says anything, I still hear it. In my brain. Sometimes I delete things because the thought is so strong. I’m probably not gonna make it to any heaven or enlightenment because I can’t forgive yourfaveisproblematic. In my mind, Tumblr was great before then, or at least it felt that way, and that blog sewed the seeds for cancel culture in the future. That stuff sticks to my brain, even if I don’t want it too. When you put sins like "said disabled people shouldn't be alive" on the same level as "has a tattoo in a language they don't natively speak," it is very confusing to a people-pleasing undiagnosed autistic 14 year old. I felt/feel like I can’t like anyone or anything because it’s ~problematic~ I worry it will never go away, because it affected me in my developing years, 14-19 I want to get better, but it’s hard. I wish I could run from the internet, but I can’t. It’s a part of life now. It’s how we stay connected. But it’s also like…. Idk. The internet used to be my safe space, right? Deviantart. Early tumblr. Seeing weird people like me made me feel less alone. I was a weeb surrounded by “preps” for lack of a better word, not that I didn’t have friends but NONE of them were into what I was into, you know? And no one became as obsessive about things like books and anime like I did, except online. But now it’s like, idk, corruption of the garden of Eden. But instead of me eating the fruit, the garden/internet ate the fruit. The world is too different now… I can’t keep up. And it’s not just because I’m getting older. Things happen faster now. Trends will last half a year when in the past they would have lasted a decade. I hate knowing everything all of the time. I hate that my garden is now a cesspool.

I’m just angry that people on tumblr and lefty spaces online are so blind to their own propaganda, and calling it out is “hate.” Like idk, I guess I expected better from people who are supposed to be ~intellectuals~. Well, if YouTube video essays have taught me anything, style over substance goes a LONG way. And they’re like “oh we’re so compassionate and we want a better future” but they tell everyone to kill themselves and laugh when red states get devastated by natural disasters it's not just that but it's like…. if you're not constantly aware of everything, you're ~part ofthe problem~ #wakeupamerica. silence is violence, blah blah blah. it's just hard because i grew up with a strict dad so learned to be a people pleaser. i'm extremely sensitive to guilt and shame. and all most of the internet has done since 2014 is shame everyone for everything. you're either with Us (good, pure, morally righteous) or you're with Them (problematic, evil). you don't want to be gasp problematic, do you? you don't want to have a callout post made about you and lose all your friends, right? well, keep you nose clean and reblog all the right posts so we know which side you're on an maybe, maybe we'll leave you alone. i have the stress of someone in debt to a mob boss. nah it's more like… i have the stress of everyone in the scarlet letter and im hoping everyone will keep their eyes on the Villain of the Week and leave me alone there's a decent video called "how to radicalize a normie." i say decent because it treats radicalization like a right-wing only issue and the "answer" to right wing radicalization is, of course left wing radicalization. "Even though they're on the bad, evil side, there's still hope because we can get them to our good, morally righteous side!" That kinda bs, and I say bs not in a left vs right way. According to my dad I'm a full blown communist! I'm saying it in the sense that the answer to radicalization isn't "just radicalize them to the other side." That's not at all helpful. You might as well tell an alcoholic who likes jameson to just switch to jack daniels. It's all poison, it's all harmful. ANYWAY, he talks about how most people don't set out to be radicalized, the politics comes to them. That happened to me - but on the left. And I'm sure if I left a comment on his video saying as much, he'd say it didn't happen or say it was a good thing. On tumblr, I came for anime. And for the first year, I got anime. But then I got really intense political stuff. "silence is violence." "i see you not reblogging this." "if you're not angry, you're not paying attention." I was 14-15, sheltered as fuck, I don't know anything about the world but now tumblr is convincing me that I know more about political issues than anyone. And it changed me. And it fucked me up. and I want to get unfucked. But I don't know how. I feel like an internet alcoholic. Like, even if I do stop using it, it will still be there, haunting me, forever, you know? because all my friends use it, not just you guys but irl friends. and the internet is effecting the real world. I miss the days when there was the internet, then there was reality. but now the internet is the reality. That's why I also fell so hard for the [REDACTED] stuff. Tumblr made me think everyone was [REDACTED] because like 99% of tumblr is [REDACTED], and I was worried about it because god help you if you question anything or show the slightest bit of concern. God help you if you're not full steam ahead on everything. I want to escape the matrix. I hate the hypocrisy…. And I hate even more that I’m also a hypocrite. I fall for group think and propaganda but act like I’m above it all. I hate social media but use it every day. YouTube too. I guess that’s why I get so mad when I see them act like that. It reminds me of me. People think the consequences of social media on a teenage girl are like "omg I was feeling good about myself….. but then I saw a model on Instagram… alas. I will never be her. I weep."

But it's more like: Oh my gosh, I just saw a post asking for mutual aid (aka MONEY, BABY) and I scrolled past. What if they died because they couldn’t afford food because I didn’t reblog their post? But what if I DID reblog their post, but it was a scam, and I led my followers to give money to someone who didn’t need it instead of someone who did?

I was hoping to share more examples, but I'm worried someone will misinterpret, and even though anon is off, the anon in my brain is on. always. on. i keep going back to the internet because i keep expecting it to get good again… like how it was. for some reason, i can't accept that it will no longer be my safe space. i wish i had a massive angel to keep me out, or something. like the actual garden of eden. I have to accept that it will never get better. I have not only an addiction to the internet, but to the obsessive thoughts it brings. By wishing it will get better, and continuing to use it, I am chasing a dragon. That is to say, I'm hoping for the same feelings I got from initially using the internet. No one ever catches the dragon. anyway, if you read all that... thank you so much! i'm taking a break from the internet, until mid november at least. maybe by then, it will be better. or not. we'll see.

[valravn72]

Disabled Xion Flags!!

For funsies :3

Alright to use without credit, just please reblog if saving/using!!! Thank youuuu 🫶

Reasons for my disabled Xion headcanon below the cut (the summary bc otherwise I will go all day):

Xion is obsessed with “usefulness” and only considers illness in light of how it will affect her productivity or burden others

Xion is also very preoccupied with whether or not she is worthy of existence

Xion experiences chronic episodes of dizziness, migraines, fatigue and fainting. This comes from how her body reacts to her paradoxical existence and how the state of that existence relates to the simultaneous nature of Sora, Roxas and Naminé

The way her body attacks itself because it knows something is wrong is so so real as a disability allegory immune systems be like that

She collects shells!!! And stims with them by rubbing them!!! And gives people them as her love language!!! Autism!!!! And she carries them around in her big dramatic coat pockets! Me frrrrr

Also having Nobodies as a dissociation/low empathy allegory effects her character a lot, including how she and Roxas don’t really understand most phrases and social norms… autisma…!…

She spends a lot of time in bed recovering from fainting episodes and dizzy spells

Roxas’s comas usually have clear causes that correlate with events such as Sora being put to sleep, but for Xion it’s usually just because she’s in burnout. My girl’s a spoonie

Another autism moment is how ???? her gender is. She’s widely considered to be a trans allegory and autistic people are statistically more likely to experience gender in abnormal ways/be nonbinary so wahahaha my headcanons support each other that’s how right I am

The separation from her body that comes with finding out she is a replica is a good parallel with disability mourning (as well as dpdr and gender dysphoria)

She’s also very fixated on whether or not she is “real” and how she could become real and is referred to as an object or a doll/puppet by a lot of other characters, which is a big trope in disabled media

Overall her internalized dehumanization and ableism is a big part of her character

She also parrots back ableist things people have said to her in order to justify not asking for help, especially when Roxas and Axel try to convince her that she comes first

There’s some dialogue from other characters where several of them mention how they think she’s overworking herself and is too invested in seeking approval

Saïx calling her a “waste” is a big part of her character arc. As is losing to Riku, which is stupid because he’s older than her and has more experience

When Roxas gets sick she immediately recognizes him hiding his symptoms, working too hard and refusing help and begs him to be gentle with himself because she understands exactly what he’s going through

Her body and abilities are consistently depicted as being unstable in nature overall. Her magic and abilities are unreliable and can stop working for seemingly no reason

She also has a high sense of justice, starts out nonverbal, displays limited emotions when not having a breakdown and is very rule focused + takes what authority figures say at face value. My little yippee

She’s very quiet overall and also stays in her hood a lot, which is common for Nobodies to disguise her identities but she’s also very inexpressive when hooded and is only verbal with effort. She retreats into her hood when overwhelmed pretty consistently, especially when she doesn’t want to engage emotionally. In the manga she is shown to typically be expressionless when in this state.

She’s doomed by the narrative and she knows it

She was basically made as a backup in case Roxas and Sora couldn’t be useful to the organization, so her body is reacting to how there’s several pieces of herself missing and how they all exist simultaneously and effect each other constantly even though they’re all completely separate people. It’s implied that only absorbing Roxas and Sora would allow her to have a stable body. She opts to have Sora absorb her instead.

Anyway yeah this isn’t really a perfect explanation but this is the most I can do without writing another Jumbled Autism Dump essay. I hope it was legible and thank you for reading it lmao. I’m just excited to spread the gospel of spoonie Xion

[milfzatannaz]

ANOTHA READMORE I just don’t put these in my notes app bc I don’t remember to go back to them nor do I check my drafts. lol my bad

my mother is point blank really difficult. She falls into ableist ideas about productivity because of her own anxiety and resentment that we’ve had it easier than her.

and uh. I don’t really discuss this. But when I was getting tested two years ago because I have severe anxiety issues, the onsite councilor actually saw signs of PTSD and that’s why a test was ordered before I was cleared to get meds. It was so embarassing almost. And afterwards I told my mother how my test went and was like “they’re testing for bipolar disorder. andalsomaybePTSD” And she was like “oh yeah because of your dad you probably have one of those” (my father is bipolar and autistic and it’s a very long, long winded subject to unpack)

but the thing is. my dad moved out permanently when I was 15. and afterwards the abuse didn’t stop. there was a few physical moments even when we moved to a new house my sophomore year. It was distressing and embarassing to relay to teachers or councilors what was going on. I latched onto adults because they felt safe.

but I can’t just. Confront her about this. She’s really difficult to get through to, because she’s had a really traumatic life with little help. She faced tons of economic instability just so she could raise us alone. And god, there are moments when she’s the only person in the world I confide in.

so I don’t like to mention The Bad Times too too much. My resentment terrifies her which then pisses her off. So I try to like. Cool Down and Suppress Shit to keep the peace. Lately I’ve done a bad job considering all I’ve been through and it’s making life hellish. She tried to be there when my friend died but she didn’t understand my prolonged sadness and one day woke up and was done with it. That moment in the summer fundamentally broke me.

All this to say, I can’t tell her any of this. My last therapy session was me breaking down finally admitting my true feelings about this summer and my various losses and how I just don’t think my mother understands me anymore.

anyway tmr after my weed is out my system ill add this to my drafts so dw you guys

[aregularhuman]

idk if this is controversial but is the neurodivergent label actually helpful outside of activism? like as an allistic adhd person i only relate occasionally to autistic people (mainly sensory issues tbh or social stuff but then again i have mad anxiety) n p much not at all to dyslexic/dyspraxic/etc people (the question of whether ocd n bpd are considered neurodivergencies is another question). but i keep seeing videos n stuff about ‘nd traits’ or ‘calling all nds’ and it seems like it’s become a quirky shorthand mainly used by autistic/audhd people that doesn’t feel like it includes nd allistics? im not saying everything should be focused around me me me, just that if you mean autistic just say autistic rather than neurodivergent.

I guess this kinda ties in with the whole (saw a tiktok and did no actual research) self diagnosis/quirkification of nd + mental illness online. (I’m v much pro informed self dx bc of costs n accessibility n consequences of having an official dx esp for autistics w housing n kids). I also think even if ur diagnosed making light hearted ‘put a finger down nd edition’ videos should b done w caution bc they often inadvertently contribute to the trivialisation of the struggles faced by nd ppl. you have to be aware of who your content reaches- tt/ insta is v different from tumblr/reddit lol.

and while I’m on this rant I hate the ‘neurotypical bad and complicated, neurodivergent good and direct’ narrative too. neither is good nor bad, just different. you gotta find your people because no one owes it to you to change their entire communication style just for you. just like I have to make an effort to do small talk etc with nts I have to focus on what I’m saying and explicitly spell out certain things when talking to my autistic friends. I understand people are hurt by nts being unaccepting and actually ableist and so go into this ‘I’m special and better than them’ mindset but it’s just not helpful imo.

I also feel like nd people find it hard to accept that you can be hella annoying and people finding you annoying isn’t ableist. I can be annoying as fuck and I try not to be- instead of going ‘ugh I can’t help interrupting people all the time and never letting them finish a thought- they’re being ableist’, I try n number the ideas I’m having and wait for the other person to finish or say ‘hey can I quickly add something before I forget and then you can continue’ and listen if they tell me to hold on a sec. relationships are about compromise n that’s not ableist.

maybe it’s just me not feeling like I fit in the ‘adhd is a gift’ narrative or the neurodivergent movement. I hate having adhd and would do anything to not have it. I do struggle to call it a disability tbh but I accept that that’s partially internalized ableism bc I can temporarily convince myself that I can function unmedicated n then I have exams n I fall apart…

anyway if anyone has thoughts pls do lmk