#this also means me because of trich

[petalpetal]

Shout out to the girlies with bald spots you are valid!!!!!

[butchhamlet]

hi :) i don't know if it's really my place to say since i'm not sure if i actually have ocd or not; but as someone who's struggled with a lot of horrible taboo intrusive thoughts, guilt, rumination spirals and possibly trich this summer your ocd hamlet post really resonated with me.

i've been rereading hamlet and hamlet being an ocd sufferer just reframes so much of his acting and his “antic disposition”. to me it feels like he’s putting on masks upon masks upon masks not just because he NEEDS the control (if it’s all an act it means i don’t actually want to hurt anyone right? if i’m pretending to be insane i’m not actually insane?) but also because he’s afraid of being known. like my deepest fear is probably anyone knowing the extent of my intrusive thoughts and the things i feel guilty about and obsess over. so if he says all this nonsense nobody will know what’s happening in his mind—which i guess was probably the original intention anyway, the idea that claudius wouldn’t suspect him of treason if he acted insane, but i think it still fits.

there’s also his first soliloquy, “o, that this too [solid/sullied/sallied] flesh would melt, / thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!” i like the reading of “sullied” because it really highlights that feeling of being contaminated. hamlet feels tainted by the immorality in the danish court, but if we’re going by the ocd reading, he also feels tainted by the horrible intrusive thoughts and obsessions he has (tying in with what you’d said about him having sexual intrusive thoughts rather than um. an o*dipus complex.) the disgust towards the flesh can also be related to physical compulsions like body repetitive behaviours (e.g. skin picking).

this one is a bit “trust me bro” but the “i have of late, but wherefore i know not, lost all my mirth…” line is just. exactly what my experience was. i’ve always had intrusive thoughts, but one afternoon everything just Went Downhill and suddenly i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a couple weeks. i’d be normal for a while before it all started happening again. again, i know in the play he DOES know why he “lost all his mirth”—he saw his father’s ghost—but well.

the famous scene where he yells at ophelia too feels so striking. “get thee to a nunnery. why wouldst thou / be a breeder of sinners?” feels like such a PERSONAL fear of raising a child or being responsible for another life. obviously this isn’t unique to ocd but i imagine for people who have taboo themes (harm ocd, scrupulosity ocd, especially pocd) it’s especially prominent. i feel like the word “sinners” is really important because someone with moral/scrupulosity/religion-related ocd would be very preoccupied about the idea of sinning, and that guilt is something you would never wish on anyone, least of all a child. (HE wouldn't know this, but ocd has genetic factors so even though i don't know if i have it, the possibility of passing this guilt and anxiety on puts me off ever having kids even more).

that ties in to the next lines too: he says, “i am myself indifferent honest, but yet / i could accuse me of such things that it were better my / mother had not borne me. …. what should fellows such as i do / crawling between heaven and earth?” hamlet admits himself he’s “indifferent honest”—rationally he’s probably not the Worst Person In The World Ever—but in the next lines he does seem to consider himself the Worst Person In The World Ever. that kind of all or nothing thinking (small mistakes puts you in the same category as the worst, most morally repugnant criminals) is apparently really common in real event ocd. (https://ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/) hamlet goes on to list everything wrong with him (“i am very proud, revengeful, ambitious…”) which itself feels so much like an intrusive thought. that self-condemnation just feels like he's trying to cover up his anxieties about not being a good person but telling everyone he's not a good person so nobody gets the wrong idea. (he's not an inherently bad person, but he can't possibly convince himself of this because what if he believes that and he starts doing bad things? what if not beating himself up makes him lose control and become even worse? better keep suffering to keep himself in check.)

sorry for clogging up your inbox!! i really wanted to put this out there somewhere but i didn’t want to put it out on my blog since i’ve never really talked about potentially having ocd (? i don’t seem to ALWAYS have it maybe i was just going through a rough patch mid 2023). again i don’t have a diagnosis or anything i’m just going by my own experience and hopefully i’d read enough about it for this to not be way off—though please correct me if i am!! hope you’re having a really nice day, thanks for reading this if you made it all the way through :)

!!! i'm so glad the post resonated with you! honestly, i've gotten some of the sweetest messages about that post from people who saw themselves reflected it in it, which is astonishing to me because i wrote it basically for myself. so it makes me very happy that it means something to you :]

not just because he NEEDS the control (if it’s all an act it means i don’t actually want to hurt anyone right? if i’m pretending to be insane i’m not actually insane?) but also because he’s afraid of being known. like my deepest fear is probably anyone knowing the extent of my intrusive thoughts and the things i feel guilty about and obsess over

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH! i sometimes catch myself having the paranoid thought that people around me can read my mind--i don't actually believe this, but i have a simmering fear of my Worst Thoughts sort of seeping out of me, so reframing hamlet in this light is. ohhhhh man. and sullied really is such a good word for it! the stains! the contamination! miasma theory was right <- JOKE

(also, "if i'm pretending to be insane, i'm not actually insane, right?" is the kind of thought that ocd will chase in CIRCLES, my god.)

i’ve always had intrusive thoughts, but one afternoon everything just Went Downhill and suddenly i couldn’t stop thinking about it for a couple weeks. i’d be normal for a while before it all started happening again

BTW ANON THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT AGE 14. SHAKING YOUR HAND. DOING A FANCY CODED HANDSHAKE WITH YOU. it really can get so much drastically better or worse at once and it's often (in my experience) hard to tell why, but even when it's not hard to tell why--i think the reasons for Losing His Mirth can be multiple. like, my OCD always gets way worse when i'm stressed about unrelated things. i can see a hamlet whose father's death pushes him over the edge into his worst-ever symptom flare, which exacerbates the grief, which exacerbates the obsessions, which...

i feel like the word “sinners” is really important because someone with moral/scrupulosity/religion-related ocd would be very preoccupied about the idea of sinning, and that guilt is something you would never wish on anyone, least of all a child. (HE wouldn't know this, but ocd has genetic factors so even though i don't know if i have it, the possibility of passing this guilt and anxiety on puts me off ever having kids even more).

YEAH. GOD. OH, MAN. anon your fucking MIND. (i personally read hamlet as having religious components to his OCD; this is at least in part me projecting lol but i think there's evidence throughout the play that he is a deeply religiously conflicted person, & this line is part of that.)

(he's not an inherently bad person, but he can't possibly convince himself of this because what if he believes that and he starts doing bad things? what if not beating himself up makes him lose control and become even worse? better keep suffering to keep himself in check.)

ocd will literally be like "okay so i'm not allowed to believe i'm a good person because if i let myself off the hook for one second i will become complacent and self-justifying and then become a bad person. could this possibly be maladaptive and self-harmful thinking? no, it's the everyone else who is wrong."

AND ABSOLUTELY DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ANYTHING! i fucking LOVE talking about ocd hamlet this ask was SUCH a delight to receive. me clicking on this and seeing how long it was

also tbh anon it sounds like you are definitely having symptoms that could be grouped under OCD, and ultimately diagnostic labels are just the words we apply to groups of symptoms. which is to say, i can't armchair-diagnose you, but looking into coping skills/tips for OCD might help whether you "have" it or not!

thank YOU my comrade for the brilliant thoughts and analysis :3

[montypng]

new follower here, love your art so much it's filled with so much character! I saw your tag on the lovely ghoul art; so, thought I'd send an ask: I'd love to hear your thoughts on danger days! Any things at all, feel free to ramble if you want! I always love hearing others hcs/opinions/etc on the series!

HELLO this ask has been sitting in my inbox since january sorry..its mostly bc i have sooo many things 2 talk about and i wasnt sure what i wanted 2 say in this answer but whatever im just gonna ramble SO!!! U get a bunch of random hcs and maybe thematic analysis yippee!! and thank u soo much for the kind words :]

imo all the kjs have some form of body focused repetitive behavior because this is my world and i do what i want.. poison and ghoul have dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking), and kobra and jet have trich (hair pulling) maybe. I think constantly being on the run + adrenaline highs and lows would lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms for all of them and desert living leads 2 pretty shit skin (poison+kobra have at least had bad acne for sure) which is conducive to skin picking..i think the venom siblings and ghoul are bat city runaways too so the withdrawal from bli pills (+shakes and sweats) contributed to them developing bfrbs.

ghoul also gets really bad shakes and jitters from withdrawal, so when it gets so bad that they can’t work on their explosives he blasts mad gear as loud as it can from its speakers and lets himself scream all the frustration out.

also ghoul definitely has hearing loss from bomb detonation in too close proximity. tell me it would know abt proper hearing protection safety protocols with a straight face its impossible.

kobra was born w microform cleft lip, which means he has a little deformity/groove in his upper lip kind of similar to a snake’s . also he broke his nose at some point and it healed wrong so crooked nosebridge↴

both jet and kobra are prone to migraines bc of eye strain and sensitivity (jet is nearly fully blind in his right eye and both kobras eyes are extremely sensitive to light, hence the sunglasses).

sometimes when the migraines are too much they both lie down in the trans am seats together at night and close their eyes and breathe in the dark

prior to jets eye injury they were the teams best marksman, and im not sure yet how greatly that changes after they lose depth perception, but one thing i like to believe is that jet is also a great sniper (stereoscopic vision due to retinal disparity is also only effective up til about 30 meters too so he wouldnt need to rely on binocular vision for that), so maybe they focuse on that skill post-injury. how i picture their scar ↴

this is so long already but 1 last thing more in a thematic analysis vein: i need ppls opinions on the girl and her story PLEASE. she has so little agency in the canon narrative but . Where r the girlposters around here i need to hear others thoughts on her guilt complex from the fab 4s sacrifice and her running away from her own role as the protagonist of a story she never wanted 2 be part of and her blowing up the city that killed her family and whether or not that alleviated her neuroses and brought catharsis or not and her characterisation as a literal bomb and destructive force even though shes just a kid and ughhh. Linking this girl post i made a while ago w an anne carson quote that makes me crazy ANYWAYS. Talk 2 me about her. Im begging.

[gettingfrilly]

Edd for 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 18, 19, 20.

1. My first impression of them

When I first watched the show as a kid, I saw Double D as the "good" Ed and I blamed Eddy for his status as an outcast. I felt really bad for him lol I always took his side in each episode.

2. When I think I truly started to like them (or dislike them, if you've sent me a character I don't like)

I always liked him! I was a stickler for rules as a kid, so I saw Double D as very righteous.

4. How many people I ship them with

Eddy mostly, but I also really like him with Nazz. I have some interest in Eddmay as well but haven't really explored it much. Double D is the character I ship the most people with.

6. My least favorite ship of them

Kev*dd. I think it could work and be interesting, but the shippers soured me on it (not all kev*dd shippers etc etc.)

7. A quote of them that you remember

For some reason the first one I always think of is "Ed-d-d-d-d-d-dy-dy-dy-dy-dy?" I think about his dialogue from brother can you spare and Ed a lot, too.

"My hands are contaminated by the filth of chicanery! Oh, what dastardly deed have we sowed?!" (Which is followed up by one of my fav Eddy lines, "Who writes this guy's stuff?")

8. Your favorite outfit of them

The masked mumbler. He's so bean shaped.

10. Describe the character in one sentence

A stupid sockhead and a babbling dweeb who can't lift a butterfly.

11. What’s the first thing you think about when thinking about the character?

Like I've said before, I usually start thinking about a character because a quote of theirs comes to mind, and said quotes I think of are listed above.

18. How do you think they were as a kid? (Like, were they shy, noisy, wild, etc)

I think he had less self control when he was younger. Probably gave into his angry side more often (like the way he tries to go after Sarah when she sneezes on him.) Definitely precocious and maybe a bit of a brat.

19. The most random ship you've seen people have with them

I mean imo kev*dd is pretty damn random lol

20. A weird headcanon

Not really weird, but I don't see it all too often. My "what's under Double D's hat?" hc is type 4a hair that he has no idea how to take care of because his mom (who also as type 4 hair) never taught him how or took the time to take care of it herself. He got teased mercilessly for his hair before moving to peach creek (both because it was messy and also because it was curly to begin with) and it lead to him getting into fights on occasion (I also hc he used to be more viscous.) So that's why he started wearing his hat, and continues to wear it because of how his hair looks but also to hide his bald spots from trich.

[homeofhousechickens]

A Cinnamon Queen Hen with Hemangiosarcoma

This hen right here is Chicken Salad, she is a seven and half year old production layer, specifically a Cinnamon Queen which is a type of Red Sex Link. She is a beloved hen of my friend Curt (say hi to Curt he might be reading this!) and she recently developed a health issue that i just wanted to educate some of my fellow chicken owners about as i have seen multiple birds with this condition before but rarely there is answers about what it actually is.

Almost a week ago Curt noticed something odd about Salad and brought her in for a bath since to him it looked like she may have had poop stuck to her vent or a prolapse. After cleaning her up he noticed a very strange growth a few inches below her vent, not only that a very similar looking lump on her beak. Given her breed and age its not difficult to come to the next sad conclusion, cancer. Yes Miss Salad here has cancer specifically Hemangiosarcoma which is a cancer that is basically cells that are supposed to be building blood vessels that instead get confused. This type of cancer is typically associated with ALV (avian leukosis virus) when it develops in younger birds but with Salads breed and age these types of cancers can just pop up as Salad is very old for a production hen. You see the average lifespan of a hen like Salad is only 5 years but Salad is almost 8 so she is quite a golden girl for her breed so issues like this shouldnt be terribly alarming in a bird her age. Curt is also low risk for ALV since he isn't a breeder and has had the same birds for years with a closed flock to my knowledge so there is no need for him to worry about this being contagious to his other beloved hens. Below are the pictures of Salad's tumors, i think its important to show them because this is not the first time i have seen a hen develop masses in the same way in the same location and i would like to provide some mental relief and explain what will happen with Salad going forward as Im sure this isn't the last time me or one of my friends will see this and if your a vet if you see a bird presented to you with similar symptoms you may be able to find out where start looking for answers. Here you can see the black colored rough looking mass growing on the bottom part of her beak. This is a very common location for hemangiosarcomas in chickens and these lumps are commonly mistaken for Fowl Pox and Trich/Canker that wont respond to typical treatment.

This is a picture of her the mass near her vent, i can why my friend thought this might have been a prolapse or compacted poop at first.

The lumpiness and black color is very common with this kind of cancer. This cancer can be quite aggressive, like it is with Salads case. It can start in the skin, beak, legs, neck, even inside of the mouth or the organs and is known for infiltrative growth that causes inflammation and necrosis (which likely causes the blackened color). This cancer can spread to the organs such as the spleen and lungs.

((picture via poultrydvm)) There is no cure or treatment, removing a mass like Salads is very difficult as severe blood loss due to hemorrhaging is a concern with these masses and since this cancer causes distant metastases just removing it will not get rid of the problem as it has likely already spread. Sometimes the kindest option is patience, you cant fix this and trying to would cause suffering. I am hoping posting this gives someone answers when they encounter something like this with their own birds. Salad is an old chicken, while it can be common for hearty heritage breeds to easily live 10+ years it is not the case for production hens. Salads age means that surgery would likely be very tough on her and Salad also does not enjoy confinement or a house chicken lifestyle which would make recovery even more stressful and difficult for her. Salads owner has chosen hospice and will let her continue to live on intill she shows signs of distress. As of right now Salad seems unaffected by her cancer and is still living a happy chicken life despite her terminal illness. Salad has only ever lived with my friend Curt and she has only experienced one bout of illness as a very young pullet. Salad has lived a happy almost 2,800 days in Curt's care and has laid almost 900 eggs! Our beloved feathered friends are not meant to live here forever and sometimes when they start failing and their time draws close the best thing to do is to love them and support them with what you can intill it is time. Here is what Curt has to say about Salad "Ultimately, since Salad is still doing well, I've decided not to pursue an aggressive path, which would include surgical removal. First of all, that's hard on a old lady like she is. And secondly she's still gives every appearance of feeling healthy. So as long as that continues, I will just monitor her situation.

To say this girl is important to me is an understatement. She has brought me lots of joy, and has been with me for over seven and a half years. Funny enough, she had never been indoors until this started. And she doesn't like being indoors, and I have to say I love that about her. I caged her inside for a few hours while she dried from the last bath, and she complained the whole time that she wanted to get back outside.

She has had a wonderful life, the kind of life that vanishingly few chickens have ever experienced. I don't spoil them, but they get extraordinarily good care. And I will continue to give her the best care I can, so that she can (hopefully) live a few more good years."

[blogthebooklover]

I may have shared a post some time ago about body focused repetitive behaviors (BFRB). Well, I’d figure it was time for me to share my own struggles with it. I have trichotillomania, and I’ve had it since I was 10 years old. It basically means self inflicted hair pulling, which 100% sucks ASS. When I turned 18 it went into (lack of a better term) remission and my hair grew out. I had it so long, that it touched the middle of my back (unfortunately, I don't have any pictures at this time of me with long hair). I absolutely loved how long my hair was.

And then, the whole 2016 Presidential election happened.

Aside from that, there were some other issues going on at the time, too.

That first picture is 23-year-old me feeling absolutely the worse I had EVER felt about myself. I felt so bad, all of the hard work I had put in to grow my hair out. There is so much shame around trich, constant self esteem issues, feeling alone, and too much bullying unfortunately. It was then, when I finally decided I would shave my hair completely. I felt so much more like myself than ever.

It absolutely does suck having this, especially when you’re a kid.

Here’s a small collection of me wearing four of my wigs (I have ten, yes TEN!), that I wear in public sometimes. Mostly during a holiday (that deep red one is my first lace front, btw).

Wearing wigs helps me out, I wore more natural looking ones in high school, and I like to express myself through them. I usually wear them in public, because I got done with people asking me about my hair loss (& I had a child ask me if I was a boy or a girl). I do like to choose whichever hairstyle I feel like coordinating with an outfit (yes, I intentionally wanted to look like a leprechaun for St. Paddy's Day, lol).

As you can also see from the photos, I'm plus-sized, which is DOUBLE the self esteem issues as a pre-teen and a teenager.

It took me a very long time to accept and love myself fully. I have my moments from time to time now as an almost 30-year-old woman. The point I am trying to make is that it wasn't until I was an adult, that I decided to really be honest about my mental health struggles. When you're growing up, you just want to fit in, no matter which group you wanted to be included at that time. I'm just mad at myself for not being more open and honest about my mental health.

We all want to be accepted and loved for who you are.

I want anyone who struggles with BFRB or any other mental health disorders to know: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! YOU ARE ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL!

I am here for you, if you just need to talk.

Edit: Apparently, I recently found out that September is also Trichotillomania and Alopecia Awareness Month. YAY!!!!

[coulson-is-an-avenger]

Some BFRD Headcanons

Trichotillomania:

Tinker Bell (Disney Fairies - this one might be actually canon!!)

M.J. (Spider-Man: Homecoming)

Leopold Fitz (Agents of SHIELD)

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Star Wars)

Clone Trooper Tup (Star Wars the Clone Wars)

Sabine Wren (Star Wars Rebels)

Prince Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Navin (Amulet)

Newton Geiszler (Pacific Rim)

Dermatillomania:

Loki Laufeyson (Marvel)

Hera Syndulla (Star Wars Rebels)

Prince Trellis (Amulet)

Prince Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender)

Ahsoka Tano (Star Wars the Clone Wars)

feel free to add your own!!

[fulokis]

Can’t stop thinking about the other day when my roommate asked my what I did before I got in the shower, and when I replied honestly she said ‘oh yeah everyone does that but I stop myself after five minutes’ and I wish it was that easy for me, I wish I could just stop picking at my skin and pulling my hair.

[gay-otlc]

Legacy Recap

Spoiler alert: It's gay

An unprecedented 234 pages before Sophie pulls out an eyelash! I'm genuinely so proud the trich is improving folks

Sophie is not good at prioritizing

Keefe's mental health is improving too! He's shown signs of suicide ideation but he does want to keep looking very proud of him as well <3

Dex and Keefe deserve to interact more often because their relationship is fantastic, I'll die on this hill

Actually, Ro should stop making people uncomfortable for the fun of it please and thank you.

SOPHIE WINCED AFTER BEING CALLED LADY THIS BITCH NONBINARY GOOD FOR THEM

Sophie being bad at prioritizing, part two electric boogaloo

Fellas, is it queer of gender to complain about dresses for an entire page?

As usual, Biana's introduction is extremely sapphic.

We stan Wylie bitching at the council.

Tiergan confirmed what we already knew; being in the black swan is inherently queer.

Also, the council now knows Tiergan is Granite, for reasons related to being pissed about Prentice and/or losing at Uno.

Linh and Wylie are siblings pass it on.

We stan Tiergan bitching at the council.

Sophie, validating their friend's genders, doesn't want to call them lords and ladies.

Biana, validating Sophie's gender, doesn't want to call them lady.

"Master Sophie" is considered, which is a masculine honorific did Shannon realize she had Biana suggest a masc title for Sophie and no one thought anything of it?

Stina grabs Sophie's wrist. And calls her Foster, which is a sign of affection as we learn from Keefe.

Bronte is aromantic.

Sophie is (a) not ready for a relationship, (b) in love with Biana, and (c) nonbinary. This can be deduced by their reaction when Fitz says girlfriend.

Someone give Keefe a hug.

Aro Wylie supremacy. He's so tired of the allo drama.

Bronte should have been Sophie's father solely because I would love to see the Wylie/Forkle/Bronte confrontation.

Not only do Linh and Marella train together a lot, they train together a lot. Italics are a direct quote. Were they necessary? Seems kinda gay.

AMY MY BELOVED

Forkle and Bronte made out. Forkle then studied his saliva for the inflictor DNA. How romantic.

Cassius should get punched. Repeatedly. I volunteer.

Marella is so fondly exasperated with Linh and her Princess Purryfins antics.

Lesbian coded Linh? I cannot think of another purpose for that line-

Your favorite Solreef angst bitch is back to remind you that Linh moved back in with Quan and Mai and I want to know how it went when she told her family aboout this decision. For science.

(From what I've gathered, Tiergan is ignoring problems by focusing on work and no one is talking to one another)

Although Bronte's not Sophie's biological father, his reaction makes me think he knows who it is, which means it's probably Fintan.

Forkle straight puns? Forkle straight puns.

SOPHIE AND EDALINE DYNAMIC OWNS MY HEART CURED MY DEPRESSION ETC ETC

Fitz should have heard about Wylie exploding a chandelier, just because I think it would be funny to explore Fitz's complicated relationship to chandeliers.

Livvy understands why Sophie finds Vackers hot.

Fellas, is it gay to call your friend your "Best Dude" and make a ship name for the two of you? Asking on Keefe's behalf.

Livvy yeeting Forkle out of the way 🧡

Hey, Keefitz shippers- don’t think about Fitz hiring Keefe to paint a romantic picture of him and Sophie :D

Grady's ability needs to be explored more istg there's so much potential!!!

Forkle and Dex both ship Sokeefitz.

Sophie jumping off a cliff to avoid getting grounded. Iconic.

Time zones in the lost cities are addressed, and are then promptly forgotten.

DARK FITZ. FORESHADOWING FOR DARK FITZ. I WANT TO SEE THIS

Fitz and Keefe (and Sophie) being terrified they'll turn into their evil relatives supremacy

Sandor wants to fight Forkle. Deserved.

Everyone in the Neverseen is queer, explicitly confirmed.

Sophie doesn't know about coping mechanisms. Get Sophie therapy.

Alvar has the "little miss perfect" gene, just like every other Vacker ever.

MORE DARK FITZ FORESHADOWING

Gisela probably has another ability; could be beguiler, technopath, mesmer, pyrokinetic, ???

Keefitz!

Oralie mom reveal!

I think Prentice and his family deserve to yell at Oralie just a bit. As a treat.

Other than being mlw, Sophitz is very little miss perfect-ish.

Sophie's way of coping with her breakup is my way of coping with life (avoiding eye contact! hiding!)

LINH WAS HOLDING HANDS WITH MARELLA AND MARUCA. CANON THING THAT HAPPENED. I AM SCREAMING

I want to know what Tiergan would do if one of the councillors was hurt or killed because he didn't get to finish but I have a feeling the end of that sentence would be hilarious.

Elwin 🧡🧡🧡

Elwin used they/them pronouns for Sophie we stan supportive queer elder Elwin in this household.

Shannon foreshadowed an Empath having their sanity shattered- Keefe is the most likely option but Oralie or Stina could be interesting.

Okay you know what. Solreef family happy ending Tam comes home we were robbed of this scene I need to see it for science

[bfrbboy]

ok, SO! i have noticed a trend with characters who pull out their hair bc they're "crazy/angry". and its incorrect. if ur gonna do it, at least do it right, my dudes. this is why i'm here! i'm a Proffesional Hair-Puller(tm) and i'm gonna tell u how to do it correctly. (I tried to make this as short as possible, for my fellows with ADHD)

First, it's harder than you'd think to just grab a fistful of hair and pull. it's gonna hurt and you might not even get any out. If I'm doing chunks, usually I can only get about 5-15 hairs out at once, and i have to section it off to get the right amount (not counting, just estimating). of course, the amount depends on hair thickness, hair strength, and hair type (ie curly, straight, etc.), and hair length. curlier hair is hardest, and if you haven't pulled hair recently/a lot then it'll be easier.

Also i find that not a lot of people know how to pull out the roots? idk how to describe them, but its so soothing when u get them cause theyre kinda cold usually? anyways, if ur character pulls a lot, their head will be itchy. very very itchy. because hair grows back. Also! your character will very likely not get a bald spot if it's their first/only time pulling out their hair. This is because it takes at least 50% of ur hair to be gone before anything is visible.

I wanted to make this post because recently i saw some very very bad representation of trichotillomania in a book, and i wanted to correct it so more people knew! i know stuff like this isnt very common when u search it up, so i thought it would be useful to make a post on it.

sidenote: if you want, you can try it on your self, but i wouldnt recommend it because you might be at risk of getting it. trich is more common in families, particually families of people with OCD, although it doesn't mean that you wont get addicted if your family/relatives don't have it, or that you will get if they do have it. In my family it skipped a generation and landed on me, for example. HOWEVER, for me it's a very pleasent expirience 1000/10, it's just the social implications that suck ass.

side-sidenote: pulling hair from the top of your head isnt the only type of pulling, there's also pulling at eyelashes and eyebrows. Those are the ones I mainly pull at, and eyelashes are typically not noticable and eyebrows tend to be very visible. you can't really hide eyelashes, but you can hide eyebrows if you have eyebrow makeup. I've gone years without anyone noticing my missing eyebrows, thanks to this. You can also use tweezers for these, as well as beard hair. I do not have beard hair so idk how that works, but I'm sure there's something online about it. I don't think pulling out eyelashes/eyebrows hurt, nor the hair on the top of my head, but that's just my opinion. Bottom eyelashes do hurt though. I have been pulling since I was 7, so I might just be desensitized.

[dollsahoy]

I used to buy so many pairs of tights whenever I'd find them on clearance or in a wild print (and those were usually on clearance, too)

I had a giant basket full of pairs of tights in packages, waiting until I had the perfect reason to open each one, whether the reason was "the black pair of tights I've been wearing for a year has developed a hole" or "that wild print would be perfect to wear for this particular event/occasion/outfit"

and then I would open them and usually discover that the elastic in the waistband had completely deteriorated from age

So that was an early lesson learned about not buying things I won't immediately use

but, unfortunately, my brain only applied that lesson to buying tights at that time

and it is still filtering through the rest of my buying habits

(also, writing this post, it just clicked for me that all those pairs of tights I have, that I have not been able to wear for the last few years due to my concentrated-on-the-abdomen weight gain...a lot of those tights will probably be unwearable due to failing elastic once I get my waist back...)

Oh, and, another aspect of being unable to wear tights for the last few years

I am more comfortable with having bare legs in public. See, one reason I started wearing tights so much (back in middle school) was because I picked at my legs so badly that they were always covered with scabs, and I wanted to hide that.

But, being unable to wear tights, as well as the summers getting hotter so that summer-time tights were impractical, meant I have had to have bare legs the last few years, and I have figured out what triggered the urge to pull (stress and hair texture) and pick (being close enough to see what was being pulled, leading to discovering other hairs below the surface) and worked on alleviating that (if legs are bare, I have to shave, because I certainly can't stop stress-touching them to feel for hairs. Also consider this my "You don't speak for me" to anyone who insists that leg shaving is only ever done for patriarchal male gaze reasons. Trichotillomania and dermotillomania aren't for popularity.)

Yes, I do still have a few active scabs on my legs at most times, but not like it used to be.

Two things did help convince me to accept being bare legged once my tights no longer fit

One was noticing that other people had splotchy legs and still wore shorts and most people in the world didn't notice, so why would people notice my leg issues unless they had issues themselves (with their issues either being having problems like me and wondering how other people can go bare legged, or being judgemental jerks who find everything wrong with everybody anyway)

And the other was having the slashy Floof, who would attack my legs unprovoked (and then seem to expect immediate punishment, poor kitty obviously had come from someplace that just didn't understand how cats work), meaning I had scabs and scars of other sorts, so, if anyone happened to notice and be rude enough to ask me about it? I could blame it all on cats, and, overall, with that plausible deniability, not stress about having scabs visible on my legs

And that meant that the cycle of "I'm feeling a bit stressed, let me feel my legs, oh, hair, pull it out, oh, hair under the surface, dig that out, oh no I've done something stupid, have some more stress, oh, hair..." was interrupted a little, and that allowed me to stop doing it so much.

That's how I managed to lessen pulling out my eyelashes so much, too, by just accepting that it's something I do, and, as such, it's not something to get stressed over. I've been working on that attitude for about 20 years now, and I understand the 20 years of pulling before that means there's probably a lot of damage that will never grow back, but I very rarely pull out eyelashes anymore, so that's a net gain. (eyebrows have had so much damage that some hairs are now a texture that my brain finds completely unacceptable, but I'm getting better at dealing with those without destroying everything around them...dunno if they'll ever grow back completely, though. I'm trying to find out!)

I used to be on a huge trichotillomania support message board, and I remember posting with great excitement my discovery that accepting that I pull meant less stress over pulling which meant I was less likely to pull, and I got so much negativity in response--from people thinking I was giving up and needed to keep fighting instead, to others saying that my trichotillmania wasn't that bad to begin with so what worked for me couldn't possibly help people who actually had it bad...as if there's any culturally acceptable level of pulling out eyelashes versus puling out scalp hair, heh. I left that message board shortly thereafter, and a few years later saw that the new development in therapy for hair pulling was...accepting that it's just something you do so you should stop stressing over it.

Another trigger for pulling that I later figured out was the general eye pain brought on by headaches--the trichotillomania brain wants to say "Oh, that pressure is because of the eyelashes, just pull them out and things will feel better" which of course is not true, but it seems completely valid to the headeachey trich brain. Understanding my headaches helped that a lot, too. Sometimes my brain still tries to tell me that it's the eyelashes' fault...

Anyway.

I look forward to being able to wear tights again, but I'm no longer freaked out by not being able to, and I firmly place all of this into the categories of "Never too old to learn" and "everything is interrelated"

[cantteachanoldguardnewquotes]

Trich

Special thanks and much love to my beta readers @energievie @thebiggestnaturaldisaster @god-of-narcissism @haniawritesthings they were a Delight to work with and my story was very much improved 💕💕💕💕💕

Read on ao3

Warnings: Trichotillomania, emotional hurt/comfort (please let me know if I should tag anything else)

It was still unbelievable. It had been four months and Andy still couldn't believe Quynh was back with her. Most of the time when she had to remind herself this was real, that she wasn't only dreaming, she would have to find Quynh and tell her again how much she loved her. This time, as she mulled over the miracle of Quynh's return in her mind, she only needed to whisper it in her ear.

"I love you." Andy murmured, stroking Quynh's hair.

Quynh was already half-asleep but she still smiled and managed to mumble it back.

Quynh was still getting used to the twenty-first century. She loved the modern conveniences and how simple many things had become, her favorites being a toss-up between showers and how easy it can be to make food, but everything was so new and different it was still a lot to process, still a lot she needed to catch up on. She would excuse herself from the group frequently, still feeling the need to rest a lot. This meant ample time for cuddles and Andy was not complaining.

Andy continued to stroke her hair as the two of them drifted off. She was surprised when her hand ran across a smooth patch on the back of her head. She ran her hand over it again, wondering what it could be. It was covered by the rest of her long hair. She tried to look but couldn't with how Quynh was laying on top of her. She shrugged it off, since it hadn't been bothering Quynh enough to mention it and quickly joined her love in slumber.

Quynh woke up early that morning to make coffee and brought it back to Andy. She sat quietly, waiting for Andy to open her eyes, letting the smell slowly wake her up. Of course if you asked Andy she would argue that with all the sugar and cream Quynh added it couldn't even be called coffee.

Andy looked up at her and smiled a half smile letting her eyes drift closed for a few more moments before she stretched and sat up. She took her cup, taking in a long slow breath to smell the wonderful aroma and then let it out in a contented sigh. "Did you sleep well?" It had become something of a habit to ask Quynh how she'd slept. Andy tried everyday to ease the pain in Quynh's heart, but she couldn't chase away all of her nightmares. It was her way of gauging what pace to set for the day.

Quynh took a sip of her coffee. "It was alright. I slept most of the night and this time it actually feels like I did." She gave Andy a soft smile.

Andy smiled back. "I'm glad to hear it." She then set her cup down. "Can I fix your hair for you?" She never tired of brushing and fixing Quynh's hair, but she was also thinking about the spot she'd found last night.

Quynh didn't need to be asked twice, nodding happily and moving to the edge of the bed so it would be easier to sit without putting her drink down.

Andy grabbed a brush and an elastic and started gently working the knots out.

"Will you tell me a story?" Quynh asked sweetly. She loved hearing about all the things Andy had done while she was gone and Andy had a way of making her feel almost as if she was there too.

"Anything in particular?"

"Something nice."

Andy racked her brain for something light and smiled when she thought of just the right story to tell.

"I was the first person to introduce Joe and Nicky to skydiving. It's an amazing rush and I've been hooked since the first time I did it, I'll have to take you one of these days. I did it often enough that I got some training and became certified to jump with someone strapped to me. Naturally, I picked Joe to go with me and Nicky was strapped to another dive instructor. They weren't really scared, I mean, with everything we've been through we've all jumped from things under worse circumstances but the first time is always intimidating. I told him I would jump on three and the noise that came out of his mouth when I jumped on one is going to be something I cherish forever. Thought he might kill me when we landed because I pretended the chute was broken and only pulled it at the last second. Told him to come up with a cover story while we plummeted for why we weren't dead and everything. I don't think he fully believed me but he was still mad." Andy was laughing too hard at the memory to keep fixing Quynh's hair and had to take several deep breaths before she could continue.

Quynh was laughing too, how could she not when Andy's was so contagious?

That was another thing that surprised Andy. Her laugh came so much easier now that Quynh was back. Sure, she had laughed and joked with the guys plenty of times but she felt so free now, so unburdened and her laughter showed it.

Andy began fixing her hair once more and rediscovered the spot, parting her hair to get a good look at it. She frowned, slightly when she saw that it was actually two spots, both about the size of a dime, though not perfectly round. "Does this hurt?" Andy asked, gently running her fingers over the spots.

Quynh seemed surprised. "No, I don't feel anything. Why?" She reached her own hand back to feel where Andy had touched.

"There's just some hair missing but it's small and if it doesn't hurt I'm sure it's nothing."

Quynh shrugged. "Yeah, it's probably nothing."

Andy finished braiding her hair, giving it a playful tug to signal she was done.

*****

A few days had passed and Andy was still thinking about the spots on Quynh's head. She didn't know how concerned she should be since Quynh didn't seem concerned herself and she didn't want to overreact to nothing, so she didn't bring it up again.

It was a quiet day around the house. Joe and Nicky had gone for a hike, Nile and Booker were checking out the farmers' market and she and Quynh were relaxing at the safehouse.

Quynh had the TV on, watching some murder mystery show. Andy had missed the whole beginning despite Quynh's attempts to wait for her, so instead she was working on fixing the wobbly side table.

At a particularly intense scene she looked over to see Quynh's reaction and noticed she was messing with her hair right where she had seen the bald spot. "Does it itch?"

"Hmm?" Quynh put her hand in her lap and looked at Andy, confusion written on her face. "Does what itch?"

"It looked like you were scratching the spot I found the other night." Andy gestured to her own hair as a reminder.

"Oh no, it doesn't itch."

Quynh got sucked back into her show and didn't say anything else about it, so Andy went back to fixing the table.

*****

The next time Andy noticed Quynh messing with her hair was when she took her to a very busy mall. Sometimes she still struggled with the hustle and bustle of twenty-first century life. Andy had made sure she actually wanted to come and wasn't just doing it for her sake and Quynh had insisted she would be alright.

Quynh was not alright, though, it was too loud, there were too many smells and too many people. She should have taken up Andy's other offer to go for a bike ride instead.

Andy was holding her hand, taking great care not to get separated and add more unnecessary stress on top of what her love was already experiencing. She knew Quynh was trying to put herself out there, being the fearless spirit that she was but Andy also knew it was overwhelming and she was still healing emotionally and mentally from being isolated for so long. Andy tried to get her to take things easy but Quynh refused. She wanted to feel like she fit into these times now, not in a few months or even worse, years. Andy both admired her for it and worried about her. Most days she wasn't sure which emotion was stronger. In the end, she always let Quynh set her own pace.

"We can leave anytime you want." Andy reassured her, pulling her in close and linking their arms together, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

Quynh smiled gratefully but ultimately shook her head. "I want to try that ice cream you've been talking about."

Andy chuckled at her undying love of sweets. "Alright, it's right this way."

Andy noticed when Quynh was trying to pick a flavor that her hand went to the back of her head again. She found herself wondering why that spot in particular if it didn't hurt or itch? She made a mental note to check on it again.

They enjoyed their ice cream and bought some new clothes, then went back to the safehouse. Booker and Nile had dinner ready for everyone and they all had a good time catching up on everyone's day.

When they retired to their room after helping with dishes, Andy asked. "Can I braid your hair before bed?"

Quynh looked about ready to fall asleep as soon as where head hit the pillow but it had been a while since Andy had done her hair and after such a long day it was an offer she couldn't refuse. She hummed her agreement and they both sat cross-legged on the bed.

Andy carefully brushed her hair but before she began braiding it she checked the spots again. To her dismay they were bigger and there were a few more spots near them. She looked more closely and could see that some of the hair was starting to grow back but it was so short you couldn't even grasp it yet.

Quynh was too tired to notice Andy had stopped, so she finished braiding her hair, wondering the whole time what was going on. She knew Quynh was still healing, she had watched a paper cut heal just this afternoon.

After Quynh had fallen asleep, her head resting comfortably on Andy's shoulder and one of her legs thrown over her, Andy decided to see if the Internet had any suggestions for the hair loss. She hated using her phone for anything other than talking into it but it was a practical way of getting information.

She saw plenty of reasons why someone could be losing their hair and it was a little tricky factoring in their healing abilities. Trichotillomania kept coming up and it seemed to fit. Usually caused by stress, PTSD or anxiety. Andy knew just how much Quynh was suffering from all three of those despite trying to hide it. She decided she would keep a closer eye on her to see if she could tell whether or not Quynh was doing this to herself.

*****

A few days after that night Quynh wanted to go with Nile and help with the grocery shopping.

Andy double-checked that Quynh was sure about going out again but she insisted it would be fun, even telling Andy she could stay home and relax if she wanted.

Of course, that was the last thing Andy wanted to do.

Driving there Andy watched Quynh out of the corner of her eye and noticed her hand going back to that spot. Andy felt her heart break a little when she saw that Quynh had plucked a piece of hair from her head. In that moment she desperately wished she could take all of her troubles away with just the sweep of her hand or a gentle word but healing always takes time. Andy decided to simply place her hand on Quynh's knee and give it a gentle squeeze. She smiled when Quynh used both of her hands to cover Andy's.

*****

Andy continued watching Quynh. She was waiting for the right moment to sit down and talk to her about what she thought was going on but she was also trying to figure out if there were specific times Quynh was pulling so that she could find a kind way to distract her. She was worried it would only stress Quynh out more if she talked about it.

"Can I fix your hair before bed?" Andy asked one night. She felt like they could both use a little help with unwinding.

"That's ok, I can do it." Quynh answered.

Andy nearly got whiplash from turning to look at Quynh so fast. "What?"

Quynh shrugged like it was nothing. "I can do it."

Andy just stared at her. Of course there were plenty of nights when Quynh would braid her own hair, even a handful of nights when Quynh had told her no, for one reason or another but Andy instantly knew this was different.

Still it had been a long day, so she kept her voice light and teasing as she said. "I know you can do it but don't you want me to?"

"Tonight I'll do it."

Andy didn't miss the guilty look that passed over Quynh's face, and Quynh knew it. She looked anywhere but in Andy's eyes and quickly started braiding her own hair.

Andy walked over to her, gently covering Quynh's hands with her own to still them. "Quynh, what's going on?" She asked softly.

Quynh still wouldn't meet her eyes, instead looking down at the carpet. "Nothi... Wha-?" She tried to say Nothing, silly, to ask her Whatever do you mean? But she couldn't lie to Andy, she wouldn't, but she also didn't have the heart to tell Andy what was going on, she didn't want her to worry. Instead she squeezed her eyes shut and just stood there.

Andy tugged lightly on her hand, leading her to their bed and Quynh followed, she would always follow Andy.

"Hey, hey it's alright, Quynh. You can relax, I've got you." Andy murmured as they sat down and Andy gathered her into her arms, laying Quynh's head over her heart, kissing the top of her head and then resting her cheek on it.

"Please, Quynh. Please talk to me." Andy pleaded as the silence stretched between them. She couldn't stand the thought of Quynh feeling like she couldn't talk to her, like she needed to hide anything from her.

Quynh couldn't refuse, not when Andy held her like she was scared of losing her again. "I..." She trailed off with a shuddering breath and then started again. "I don't want you to see how much hair I've lost. Because... It's me. I'm the one causing it. I... I keep pulling out my own hair and I don't know why and I don't know why I can't stop."

Andy felt Quynh's tear land on her arm and realized she had waited too long before talking about this. She hadn't thought Quynh would feel the need to hide this and carry it on her own. "Oh my heart, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, I should have talked to you earlier about this. I think you have something called Trichotillomania and it's when people pull their hair because of stress and anxiety. It's compulsive, you'll hardly realize you're doing it, but a lot of people have it, you're not the first."

"There are other people who do this? So many it has a name?"

"Yes and considering everything you've been through..." Andy's arms tightened protectively around her. "Well, I count myself the luckiest person alive just for having you back with me."

Quynh pondered her words and when she spoke it was barely a whisper. "But what if I pull it all out? I know how much you love my long hair, how much you enjoy braiding it."

Now it was Andy who had to squeeze her eyes shut to keep the tears at bay so they could keep talking. "Oh, Quynh, I hope you know that nothing will ever stop me from loving you and wanting to take care of you."

"I know, Andy, I do."

Andy believed what she said, but she had to make sure there wasn't a shred of doubt in Quynh's mind. She tilted Quynh's head back and kissed her soft lips, tasting the salty tears. She kissed her long and slow and Quynh kissed her right back.

"I love you, Quynh. You could have no hair, no limbs, your face scarred beyond recognition and I would still love you because those things don't define you, those are not what I fell in love with a millennia ago."

Andy saw her eyes relax some but not completely, so she kept talking. "I fell in love with your brave spirit that never puts up with cruelty, I fell in love with the way you laugh at every bad joke you've ever heard, I fell in love with the way you fight for what you believe in. Everything that makes you you, Quynh, that's what I'm in love with."

Now Quynh was crying even harder. She wrapped her arms around Andy's neck and sobbed into her shoulder.

Andy held her tight, slowly rubbing Quynh's back just the way she liked and she cried too.

They stayed like that for a long time, until both of them felt like they had cried out every tear they had.

"Hey, how about I get us some water? Are you as parched as I am?" Andy asked, placing a kiss to Quynh's neck.

Quynh nodded her head and squeezed Andy's hand, returning a kiss to Andy's temple.

She came back with two cups of water and they both drank them down quickly. "More?" She asked, taking the cup from Quynh.

Quynh shook her head. "No, thank you."

Andy put the cups on the floor and crawled back in bed, gathering Quynh close to her once more. They were both completely exhausted.

"I love you." Quynh whispered.

Andy nuzzled her neck. "I love you too."

*****

Quynh was up before Andy and went to make coffee and start the day.

Andy was awake when she came back into their room. "How are you feeling?"

Quynh shrugged. "Tired. Worn out." She handed Andy her coffee.

"You could have stayed in bed with me." Andy tugged playfully on her pajama shirt.

"I like bringing you coffee in bed, it makes your eyes light up."

"Oh, it's not the coffee that makes my eyes light up." Andy leaned forward and gave Quynh a kiss.

They fell silent drinking their coffee and staring out the window at nothing in particular.

Quynh cleared her throat, breaking the silence. "I got up early to look into Trichotillomania." She said it quietly, as if she almost sounded guilty about it.

Andy's eyes softened. She moved so they were sitting side by side and took her hand. "You are not alone in this, my heart. Please don't forget that."

Quynh laid her head on Andy's shoulder and stroked the back of her hand with her thumb. "I know, I know you're here for me. I just wanted to look for myself while the house was still quiet and everyone was asleep."

"And?" Andy felt like she wanted to continue.

"While I'm getting used to everything." She vaguely gestured." To being back, to adjusting to the twenty first century, I... I think I would like to shave my head. I can't stand the thought of pulling it all out, and even if I start to pull from somewhere else it should be better than this." She paused, tracing the rim of her mug with her thumb. "Then when I'm more adjusted to this new world I can try growing it out and work on getting help." She held her breath, waiting to see what Andy would say.

Andy kissed her forehead. "I have clippers with me, whenever you're ready. May I do the honors?"

Quynh let out the air she'd been holding. "Thank you, my love. Thank you for understanding, of course I'll let you do it."

"There's nothing to understand. I've been wondering what you would look like with a new do anyway. I think it will look incredibly chic and sexy."

Quynh actually laughed at the way Andy wiggled her eyebrows when she said that and it warmed Andy's heart so much she thought she might burst.

"I'm ready now, let's do it this morning." Quynh said with confidence.

Andy jumped up and grabbed the clippers from the drawer she kept them in. "How short do you want to go? Do you want to see skin? No skin?"

Quynh cocked her head to the side. "You pick, just make it short."

Andy placed a hand dramatically to her heart. "Your trust in me is touching."

Quynh grinned. "Drama queen."

They headed out to the kitchen and Andy began to set up just as Nile and Joe emerged from their rooms looking barely awake. Nicky was already in the kitchen making omelets for everyone.

"What's going on?" Nile asked, looking skeptically between the two of them.

"Quynh's getting a haircut." Andy flicked the clippers on and off once for emphasis.

"She's letting you do it?" Nile asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey, I can cut hair."

"Hmm, I'll have to see it to believe it."

"She's cut all of our hair before but she's not allowed to touch Joe's anymore." Nicky chimed in.

"Why can't she cut Joe's?" Quynh asked.

"She gave him a terrible mohawk and then hid the clippers so we had to wait days before we could fix it." Nicky explained. "I haven't let her touch his curls since."

Andy threw her head back and laughed. "He deserved it."

"I did not!" Joe interjected.

"He ate my baklava and didn't even buy me more." Andy explained.

"It wasn't me, that was Booker!"

"Booker didn't do it. I knew instantly you were lying."

Joe grumbled something about her having no proof.

Nile looked around. "Is he still in bed?"

"Most likely, I think he stayed up late watching movies." Nicky said.

"Sorry, my heart, for the delay, I'm ready now." Andy patted the chair and Quynh sat down.

"Hmm, I don't know, I think they've changed my mind about letting you do it." Quynh teased.

"Turning my own wife against me." Andy shook her head.

Nile rolled her eyes. "As if."

Quynh only laughed.

Andy studied her assortment of clips before selecting the number two. "It's gonna be short." She warned Quynh.

"I'm ready."

"A buzz? Oooh, that's exciting, Quynh!" Nile moved chairs so she could easily watch Andy work.

Andy turned the clippers on, took a breath and made the first cut. She worked the clippers around Quynh's head and made sure it was perfectly even before turning them off and admiring her handy work.

"I love it." Andy said, running her hand over the top of Quynh's head feeling how different it was compared to what she was used to. She had to resist the urge to kiss it until after Quynh could wash it and make sure all the little hairs were gone.

Quynh ran her hands over it. "It feels so weird."

"Good weird or bad weird?" Andy asked.

"It's good." Quynh reassured her.

"Wow, Quynh, you pull it off so well! It makes you look very elegant." Nile said.

Joe and Nicky chimed in with their love for the new look.

"I'm gonna go look at it." Quynh said.

"Wait." Andy said, causing her to pause. "You said you trust me?"

Quynh eyed her, trying to figure out what she had up her sleeve but answered immediately. "Yes."

"I'm gonna add something, alright? A finishing touch I think you'll like."

Quynh nodded and settled back in the chair.

Andy picked up the trimmers and got to work.

Nile came up behind her to watch what she was making. "Aww." She exclaimed once she realized what Andy was doing.

Quynh smiled but didn't say anything, waiting patiently.

"Done. This time for real. Go look, my love." Andy kissed Quynh's cheek.

Quynh ran to the mirror to see and was surprised by how much she liked the shaved look. Then she turned her head so she could see what Andy did to the side and saw she had shaved a heart just above her ear.

She ran back out to the kitchen, flinging her arms around Andy to give her a crushing and urgent kiss.

Quynh knew she had a lot of healing left to do, that none of it would be easy but if her heart remained by her side, she knew they could face anything.

[angria]

I have to do these stupid progress reports for the program each day and I apparently they personalize it because I had whole pages on dermatillomania, trichotillomania, OCD, hoarding, and body dysmorphia.

Hon. Hon…when in any of my intakes did I mention skin-picking or hair-pulling? And just because I have some traits, it does not mean I have freaking OCD? Do I “hoard” books? Yes. Otherwise, no. And I do have a level of body dysmorphia, but it doesn’t impact my daily activities and functionality.

What the actual fuck is this program. I stfg if they put the derm/trich in there because I self harm…they do know those are not examples of self harm??? I left over half the survey blank because I don’t have these fucking disorders. Also, I love how they give me no time for lunch and yet argue that I have an ED. Good jobbb.

[positivityforlesbians]

i don’t know if i’m gnc or chapstick or neither and it’s stressing me out.

i always identified as a tomboy (b4 i was brainwashed by the internet) bc i liked sports and activities and didn’t care about getting dirty and prioritized feeling comfortable and having functional clothes over how i looked, but as i’ve gotten older, i can’t do a lot of physical things anymore and have developed some ocd tendencies around ‘cleanliness’ and i don’t know if i’m appropriating the term i guess?

bc i like dresses more now that i’ve detransitioned. i like that i don’t have to worry about trying to fit into pants that weren’t made for my body type, and they’re comfortable and easy to throw on. i still wax my legs and underarms every now and then, but that’s more because i have trich (i pull my hair out) and i go out without trying to hide my body hair. i hardly wear any jewelry, but i like shiny things and ‘light’ makeup for special occasions. i have a buzzcut that i do myself and i don’t wear bras but those are also like feminist related actions for me. i like heels every now and then, and leggings-as-pants (with a long shirt) every now and then but i prioritize comfort and functionality over looks.

i just don’t know where i fit or if i fit in these smaller niches of lesbian culture. i know it’s enough to just be female and homosexual but it’s so hard to find actual lesbian communities irl and online nowadays and it seems like there is less appropriation in more specific labels. (i would say i’m a bambi lesbian cuz i’m also asexual but that tag is basically dead except for positivity posts for other unrelated groups)

i know these labels aren’t as important as lesbian (female homosexual) but i still find it hard to conceptualize myself as part of the lesbian community when i never had a real Girlfriend and covid makes community difficult, and i find myself doubting my sexuality again

basically: i have trouble accepting myself as i am, as a lesbian, when i don’t have other lesbians to relate to. i just keep hearing like tra conversion therapy rhetoric and replaying moments where i convinced myself that i liked men because i have a LOT of internalized homophobia from my family, from society, and from my online experiences. i just wish i had more people like me in my life, even if just online.

i guess i’m asking what the difference is between gnc and chapstick and if there’s a certain amount of gender conformity that isn’t like considered ‘being gnc’. that part is even hard as i realize how femininity and masculinity are mostly relative and tools of the patriarchy but i digress.

thank you for this blog, i rely on it so much when i start to spiral into my own internalized homophobia

Hi, like you said, these specific labels don’t matter as much, they just fit some of us better than others and it’s fun to recognise a lesbian as this or that type but that doesn’t mean there aren’t grey areas. There isn’t really a strict code of what makes a woman a tomboy/gnc, we get the general idea but it’s not like we have a list of criteria that should all be ticked to be allowed to call ourselves that, other people are usually very able to see that we’re tomboys/gnc and they’re the first ones to point it out to us.

A woman can be both a tomboy and a chapstick lesbian, they don’t neutralize each other as they are similar (it’s just that tomboy isn’t specific to lesbians). For example a “soft-butch”, who is more on the androgynous side than the very masculine side of her style can be both a tomboy and a chapstick lesbian, there are overlaps and it’s important to be conscious of it. A chapstick lesbian is neither butch nor femme, she’s in the middle and more neutral about her style. Nowadays a lot of us are chapstick but within that group you could find yourself aligning more with a bit of masculinity or more with a bit of femininity, specifying it is not necessary.

An interesting fact is that the word “kiki” was used in the past (50s/60s) to talk about lesbians whose style fall “in the middle” (which shows that this word isn’t used only in the gay men community to talk about a gathering of friends to gossip and “spilling tea”), now you’ll also find a lot of us call ourselves andro/androgynous, though we aren’t all actually androgynous (def : ambiguity and confusion for others to find whether we’re a woman or a man). I cannot really know what you are but usually when you don’t fall in either the butch or femme category then the chapstick one is the right one. Xx

[sunflowerapocathary]

Thanks for tagging me @gettingdizzyoh

I wanted to do this because I never really share personal shit on here.

This has taken me agesss to do because I didn't know what to write.

“💕 get to know your mutuals!! when you get this, it means someone wants to know more about you, so list 5 things about yourself you want your followers to know. they can be as simple as your age or as complex as your deepest fear, as long as it’s something you’re comfortable with sharing. when you’re done, send this to ? people you want to get to know better!! 🥺🌼💕”

1. I'm a Baker. I love baking, I always knew that I was going to work in kitchens from such a young age. I will never be happy doing anything else.

2. I have struggled with mental health for so many years. For a long time I had trichotillomania. And I feel strongly about sharing this because it is so uncommon to hear about. When people talk about disorders and mental health, it is always anxiety, depression, eating disorders. And yes it is so important that this conversation is happening but we also need to talk about the uglier ones. So I had trich. Please ask me about it or just educate yourself.

3. Because if my trich, 2 years ago I took a pair of scissors and cut of my loonnnnggg hair. I now have a cute pixie cut and it changed my life.

4. I am very close to my family, we spend so much time together. Me, my sister, my parents and our cat. We love each so much. Things have been tough over the years, with my mental health and sexuality (and political opinions) . But they are pretty damn great all in all.

5. Last, and most importantly, tomorrow I am moving 282 miles away to start a new life completely on my own. I have a new job I'm so excited about. I'm moving to my favourite costal village and I'm trying live my dream. Because why the fuck not.

I hope this was okay... I'm not very interesting. Sorry its long.

Tagging anyone who is comfortable to share.i would love to know more about you all 🥰

[wyrdify]

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea. 

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai