#this is coming from someone with cptsd from abuse

[ineffectualdemon]

[lilworms]

should i get the word despite tattooed on my left knee 🤨 (this is a vent post btw)

[minne-risa]

If you're chronically online and have a hot take, please considering touching grass before you speak, because you all end up sounding goofy as hell. It's like you aren't real people behind the screens sometimes I swear 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️.

[night-wyld-system]

Trauma-Punk (Coining)

Concept

An aesthetic and social group/movement focused on trauma survivors of any and all kinds. You have gone through hell and back and you are allowed to be loud, angry, aggressive, and selfish. Traumapunk is for all the unsavory survivors who don’t fall into society's ideal victim mold. It’s taking back the power from times you could not before, it’s being independent and self assured, it’s saying fuck you to the system that allowed your traumas to occur, saying fuck you to the abusers you may have had. You don’t have to be quiet or docile, you can be loud and aggressive.

All trauma survivors matter, and the discrimination and biases we face on a daily basis should no longer go ignored. This is a movement for all the cluster-b disordered people, all the people with PTSD, all the people with DID/OSDD, and any other trauma induced disorders. Everyone with the “wrong” reaction to their trauma and everyone who has decided they will no longer take anyone's shit.

All trauma survivors can be a part of this, regardless of disorders or the lack thereof. Your trauma no matter how big, no matter how small, is valid.

Trauma Punk Flag

[Image ID: The trauma-punk flag, consistent of 7 stripes which are reflected horizontally. The stripes go as follows; Dark Sienna, Rosso Corsa, Old Brick, Carousel Pink, Old Brick, Rosso Corsa, and then Dark Sienna. The flag is all tinted towards a redish color. End ID]

The flags colors all have their own meaning

Dark Sienna: All the negative feelings and emotions that comes from having experienced trauma, the feeling of being alone.

Rosso Corsa: Anger towards what happened, having to fight to survive. Not being docile.

Old Brick: Any and all people with socially unacceptable reactions to their traumas- including disorders, temperament shifts, and being untrusting of others. (Separate from anger).

Carousel Pink: Recovery and healing

This flag is free to be used and never requires any credit.

Core Beliefs

Pro/Supports

People with Personality Disorders

People with PTSD/cPTSD

Traumagenic Systems (DID/OSDD)

CDDs (Complex Dissociative Disorders)

People with lesser known disorders like RAD, ASD (acute stress disorder not autism), DSED

People with trauma based adjustment disorders

People with trauma based anxiety disorders

People with “problematic” (trauma induced) OCD themes

Anyone with trauma

Low empathy

Hyper empathy

Well researched self-dx

Sex-workers

Hypersexual survivors

Sex repulsed survivors

Trans People

Gay People

Intersex people

Xenogenders

Self-defense

Angry Survivors

Survivors who want revenge

Survivors who want to see their perps be better people

Anti-Psych/Psych-Critical

Psychology/psychiatry should be available for those in need- however there are massive issues within the field and it needs to be addressed. We personally prefer Psych-Crit, but people recognize Anti-psych more.

Anti/Against

Ableists

“Narcissistic/Histrionic/Borderline/Sociopathic” Abuse 

The abuser made their choice, having a disorder will never make someone be an abuser, that abusive person CHOSE to be evil. Your anger should be at them, not fellow trauma survivors.

Trauma Comparison

All traumas are valid, some may be harder to deal with than others but we are still all survivors.

Sanists

Fakeclaimers

You never know what someone is going through it is not your place to decide if they have a disorder or not

Terfs/Swerfs/Radfems

Transphobes

Homophobes

Transmeds

Intersexists

[abyssalzones]

C-PTSD as a diagnosis makes so much sense for Ford because he really does fit almost all of the criteria, ESPECIALLY if you take the stuff in J3 into account in conjunction with his traumatic childhood (bullying, bad dad, etc.). It just makes sense in regards to his motivations and his issues with interpersonal relationships (like with Stan). Also buring yourself in your work (like he does) is a very common 'flight' coping mechanism to trauma in adults

I'm smiling like this right now

ford's whole.... mental health deal is extremely interesting to examine because Oh my god this man is the textbook image for "reacting to ongoing, continuous trauma". intentional or otherwise (I'm inclined to believe it's both).

like. okay hang on I'm about to get very in depth with it

I feel like there's no way this entire guy's life and in some ways his lasting identity haven't been defined by and constructed around various forms of trauma, maybe the most obvious and true-to-canon-intent being peer abuse/bullying from childhood. a lot of people downplay the impact of this type of abuse but it's... responsible for a lot of social ills in shocking ways. (if you're more interested in this topic here is an article my friend mer linked me a while back, it gets into it very deeply)

(a lot of this is going to be sourced from the wikipedia page for CPTSD [and my own experience Living with it] which I realize isn't very professional of me but Whatever this is tumblr)

one of the core tenets of ford's personality is that he's Different. he owns it, sure- his six fingers become a point of pride rather than something to be ashamed of- but they make it extremely clear that from a young age he associated being different with being a social pariah. ford's generation was characterized by notoriously cruel bullying, and anything that remotely made you stand out rendered you a target. ford could've been bullied for being nerdy and jewish (and failing to perform socially, ie dating) alone, having such an obvious mutation definitely was not winning him any points.

so it's honestly no surprise, when from childhood ford feels like he has One person in the world to trust and confide in, that he would go on to form very unhealthy attachment patterns typical of CPTSD. as you elaborated on regarding AvPD (which I know far less about but seems to have comorbidity with CPTSD): if you're hard-wired to believe socializing with others results in failure or betrayal, then you're not going to make an effort. but what does end up happening is that you're going to pour all of your trust and dependency into one person at a time, one person who is "safe".

previously, that was his brother. and it's not really hard to draw the conclusion from there that fiddleford was a subject of ford's attachment style, considering he was his One friend from college, and... one of Maybe two people ford is friends with at all who he isn't related to. he cites him as the only person he can possibly trust to work on the portal project alongside him, and he still can't bring himself to tell him the full truth, because he's terrified of losing him. I love their dynamic (I do think they were mutual best friends, and there was no small amount of trust reciprocated between them. "fiddleford was weird as hell too" is something I keep coming back to) and I don't think it's built on entirely unhealthy terms, but that kind of pressure is... setting things up to crash and burn.

enter bill stage left. back to "continuous yearning to be liked and accepted"- this guy knew that and made every effort to prey on ford's insecurities to reel him in as close as possible. this is what really pisses me off about the idea that bill was just "inflating ford's ego", because it's way, way more insidious than that. throughout the entirety of journal 3 we see ford reintroduce someone to his life he has a very positive relationship with (fiddleford) and how that trust gets gradually broken down by bill's influence "winning out" over their friendship. I think it's safe to say ford was already vulnerable: from the start, he'd been isolated in his research for six years (and it's unclear for how long he'd known bill by 1982), and bill proved time and time again to be someone who wouldn't judge him, someone who would praise him for his hard work, and perhaps most critically, make him feel like being different was something special.

like that's... that's really not good!!!! and that kind of thing works wonders on someone who has already settled with the idea that they're inclined to be alone just by design.

trying to put a cap on this. in relationships like the one he's had with his brother or fiddleford it doesn't even necessarily have to be ""toxic"" (vague term anyway) or outwardly bad to be built on unhealthy attachment patterns, and considering for a good chunk of ford's life his attachment to others can be characterized as "I can only trust ONE person at a time" it feels essential to any discussion of his CPTSD or canon trust issues. That is something that happens a lot in Real cases of CPTSD (hi) and only further snowballs into More trauma by leaving you vulnerable to manipulation and abuse (see: bill.)

I've been going on for way too long now and I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the thing I wanted to elaborate on sorry. that post traumatic stress disorder can complex

[gaywarcriminals]

Shen Jiu’s horrible response to trauma is incredibly relatable.

At least in western media, there’s this huge prevalence of the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” narrative, and that… is simply not how trauma works. There is some truth to that statement, in that when healed properly, you often come out reinforced along the seams where you shattered, but it was the careful repairing that created this newfound strength, not the thing that smashed you to the floor to begin with.

Without that repairing and reinforcement, you end up fragile, haphazardly cobbled back together without any glue preventing your pieces from just falling apart again. 

I read Shen Jiu as having cPTSD. This seems well supported by the text (though obviously this setting would not apply such language to his mental health). Shen Jiu is someone who has been broken over and over again, never getting properly repaired in between. 

He is not beautiful broken. He is a mess of sharp bits and missing pieces held together by sheer spite.  And the thing that I love so much about him is that it is simultaneously not his fault that he is so sharp and difficult to hold, and it is still his responsibility when those sharp edges cut someone. The narrative absolves him of nothing.

He is not at fault for the circumstances that have brought him to this point, but he is responsible for being better. But that is just so. Incredibly. Hard. It’s easier for him to just decide he’s inherently a terrible person, that he’s fated to be like this, that there is no possible path to being better.

Even without trauma as extreme and all consuming as Shen Jiu’s, it’s so easy to feel that way. There’s a reason the cycle of abuse exists: it is hard to heal, and it is hard to be better. But we are still morally bound to do it, if not for ourselves, then for the sake of those around us.

[iovealexivs]

it is actually fucking unreal how many people miss the signs of abuse and think gabe is any less of a shithead in the pjo show and think he’s less deserving of his ending.

you all need to do some thinking and educate yourselves on what abuse looks like. while physical domestic violence is common it is not the only form of abuse, and people responsible for DV are often very good at covering their tracks to everyone else, sometimes even including victims, which makes it harder to leave. they could be charismatic and respectful, or even just some deadbeat leeching off of another full grown adult that doesn’t seem “that” awful. not all abuse is obvious, or physical, at first glance unless you’ve lived it or know the signs. people like this, ignoring glaring obvious signs in this case, are showing the same mentality as the CPS agents that let children, including my best friend, die because they didn’t see a parent as “abusive” until it was too late just because physical needs were met (sometimes just barely) and the child wasn’t getting beaten.

stop downplaying abuse. he clearly has a emotional hold over sally (and financial, and maybe physical, if they stay true to when percy finds out about that towards the end of the book). that’s still pretty traumatic, coming from someone who’s experienced that and has CPTSD from it. the show doesn’t invalidate survivors of physical abuse or downplay what an awful person Gabe is because it’s showing another form. it isn’t erasure of DV. please. PLEASE educate yourselves. this is scary.

given what we know about medusa now and her experience with being manipulated and whatnot it would make even better sense for sally to kill him.

[darkphoenix07]

could u do a yunho reaction / comforting reader who has cptsd related to sexual abuse? i know it might be vv uncomfortable to write about so it's okay if u don't feel comfortable with it, but i wanted to try my luck 🥺

Yunho helps you after being assaulted

Links :

Masterlist

Ateez Mental health request

Paring : Yunho x Reader

Genre : Angst, Confort

Warning : Sexual Assault, Blood, Manipulation, Blackmail, Cursing, Self Harm, Suicide. Please don't read this if you aren't uncomfortable. It's horrible so I will love it if the one who requested it reads it only.

To the girls who needs comfort for getting assaulted

Your neighbor who is six years older than you had been stalking you for a month by now. You informed police but they didn't find any evidence or you being harmed which is why they made no response. So, you didn't see that coming which was about to make your life upsidedown.

Electricity was gone when you were going to your house by stairs. Like all the other nights, his eyes were on you and you didn't even know. He dragged you, took you in his house, forced himself on you and blackmailed you to stay quiet or else he would hurt your boyfriend, you had to believe him because he knew everything about you. It was a cold obsession of his for you which you were unaware of. But now that you know, you couldn't do anything. You had to go with him in his car, his house and everywhere he told you to.

You kept avoiding your boyfriend for a whole week because he had eagle eyes, he would know right away that you had been sleeping with someone else. You weren't allowed to let him know, it could put his life in danger.

Like every other day, your neighbor assaulted you and let you go to your house, with bruises on your body and lips. Even your nose was bleeding as you begged him to stop but instead of stopping he hit your face with his fist.

You were done more with yourself than him. He was diabolical and you were feeling like a masochist for not being able to do anything. You just let him do anything he wanted to wether it was your mouth or something else.

As you got home and locked yourself, you stare at big mirror of your house that Yunho gifted for you. You don't know how to face the girl in front of you as she had scars on her wrist, palm and lips. Well, you gifted yourself all these marks because his marks didn't feel enough to punish you and also you wanted to get rid off his touches.

Why are you even living? You thought as you lifelessly stare at your filthy self. You feel like you're stinking, most importantly you smelled like him. It was too much to take.

You take your electrical razor and take off your dress. Running the razor on every part possible, you fall on the ground until you couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry Dad. I'm so fucking sorry Yunho. I can't live this way," you throw the razor away because it wasn't enough for you to perish. Maybe you are a coward which is why you haven't been able to kill yourself yet, maybe you are a masochist which makes you hate yourself even more.

You want to go upstairs but you are too dizzy to walk. So instead of that method, you take a knife from the kitchen and try stabbing your wrist. You try so hard to reach deep so your veins are cut. But they don't feel enough. As you try to slit yourself again, you feel a hand on yours.

Sitting on the cold floor, alone by the sofa, you feel your blood going cold as you look at the person behind you.

"Y/n," you start trembling hearing him.

"What the fuck are you...oh my god... There is too much blood. God, fuck... Look at me, love," he screams your name shaking you.

His eyes get bigger as he notices your whole body covering in blood, less than your wrist.

"Fuck, no... Please don't do this to me," he says as he takes you in his arms.

"I gotta call an ambulance, damn it," he says starting to leave but you call him.

"Yunho, don't call," you tell him feeling cold sweats falling from your skin. You didn't know that your mother gave the spare key of your house to him because he was worried sick about you.

He watched you with your neighbor and for sometimes he thought you wanted to leave Yunho and go for that guy. But your behavior seemed very fishy, your tired voicemail, your avoiding video calls.

"Don't you dare say a word. I am coming," he tries to leave again but you need to stop him.

"They will know if you take me. I don't want them to know. Don't take me to hospital," that is the last thing you tell him before passing out in his arms.

"Y/n!!! Shit, shit, shit," Yunho panics more as he hugs you in his arms, "Don't you fucking die on me."

He keeps trembling as he takes you in his arms and keeps your unconscious body in your bed.

As he grabs his phone from the table, he falls on the ground seeing his hands full of blood, your blood. It scares him. What if he loses you, what if you disappear from his life forever? No, he won't let it happen. He will protect you at any cost, he thinks calling his family doctor home.

The whole time he keeps his pressure on the cut but he doesn't understand how to stop the bleeding of other places. You look so pale like someone has sucked all of your blood out of you. He doesn't understand why you had to do it.

Until doctor comes and gives you stitches, tells him to be careful with you because there was scratches all over you and your lips.

After waking up, you see him staring at you. You get scared seeing him beside you, on your bed.

"Stop it, stop," he tries to control you but you keep shaking your head.

"Don't do it anymore. Give me some break. I beg you, I can't... I can't take it anymore. Please stop it," moving behind to hide from Yunho who isn't looking like Yunho in your head, you fall on the floor.

As you fall, the saline stick starts falling on you but Yunho grabs it by one hand looking at you in horror, "Baby, I am Yunho. Can't you recognize me? It's me, your sweetheart. Please stop, stop doing this to me. It hurts."

He leaves the saline and sits in front of you as you hug your knees hiding your face from him.

"I am sorry, I misunderstood you. I didn't know he has been hurting you. I am so sorry," he says softly so you don't panic anymore but you are still trembling, the scent of the sinner, his touches, his curses are all inside your head repeating itself like there are no stoping.

"Baby, please look at me once. Look at me closely," he tells you and you slowly face him, your eyes full of tears, your lips trembling and you are a sobbing mess.

"Can I touch you?" He asks crawling towards you slowly and you nod.

He has gone numb looking at how broken you are, how messed up you look.

As he gathers your pieces into his arms, you feel something warm filling you with softness and stops the chaos inside your head in instant. He doesn't leave you with one single hug, he breathes in you and let you breath. You can smell how good he smells, how perfect he looks, how softly he is holding you.

After feeling safe inside his arms, you break down in his arms starting to feel every emotions that you thought you've lost.

He hugs you closer, slowly paces his hands on your back being able to touch all of the bandages on your back. If he was in front of you, your tears would melt with his because he can't stop crying feeling guilty for not being able to protect you.

He feels like a failure, unworthy of your love.

"What happened? Tell me the truth or else I'll make him say everything," he asks you after some days as he brought you to his home for keeping you safe.

You know how stubborn you are, you tell him everything one by one and end up trembling, throwing up. He helps you to vomit rubbing your back, washes your face and brings you to bed.

You don't remember when was the last time you walked on the floor by yourself because he carried you all the time, fed you like a kid, changed your bandages by himself, stayed with you all the time making you feel like the safest person.

"No one can hurt me. Do you get it? No one. You don't have to give yourself up for protecting me. Look at yourself, look what you've done to my baby," he tells you, gives you the nicest scolding and for the first time you smile in front him.

He hugs you again and kisses you on the forehead, "I've taken care of him. He will die soon."

"What have you do-" you start to ask but he puts a finger on your lips, "No question. Tell me what can I do for you to make you feel good. Do you want to go somewhere far away? Beach House? Anywhere, I'll take you anywhere, love."

"I want to stay home with you for a while. Can we do that?" You ask him, scared of him saying no that he has works.

But he makes you straddle him and touches your forehead with his, "I'll be home with my baby and kiss every part of you until you forget everything about the past weeks."

And he does, he takes care of you, moulds you into a new version of you as you get well.

[ To the people who got assaulted by someone. You did nothing wrong. It was them, they were wrong for doing this to you. So, don't think you are filthy or unworthy of love. You deserve more love for only surviving, doesn't matter what you did to survive this. So, thank you for surviving. You are doing a great job. ]

[frvnkcastles]

Hello love! I know you’re probably still in recovery, so feel free to table this request as long as you like (or permanently if it doesn’t vibe with you!) but it came to mind and I immediately thought of you.

I thought, maybe something happens to the reader as a consequence of Frank’s life. Maybe they’re kidnapped or tortured or otherwise hurt, and it’s really not that bad - Frank gets to you in time, and you’re not too terribly hurt. But it sets off the readers cPTSD, which they weren’t ready to share with Frank yet. And he thinks they’re haunted and traumatized by the event, and you don’t know how to tell him it’s not what he thinks. And Franks doing his whole guilt spiral but you can’t explain that it’s not his fault, that these cuts and bruises are nothing. That you’re not scared of those men. That it’s something else you’re scared of

WILL YOU STILL LOVE WHO I AM ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: You’re kidnapped and Frank comes to your rescue, but the ordeal triggers your CPTSD and you just want to make Frank feel less guilty.

Warnings: Knives, guns, mild torture, childhood abuse, hurt/comfort

Word count: 1.8k

Author’s note: I hope I did your idea justice!! I don’t feel like this is my best work but it’s a very heavy topic to write about and I really wanted to be respectful and careful with it. Sending you lots of love <33 (Also, I’m realizing I am NOT good at ending fics lmaooo.)

It was supposed to be a fun night out with your girlfriends. And you could have sworn you hadn’t taken your eyes off of your glass, but somewhere between laughing at your friend and reapplying your lipgloss you must have lost focus and that was when they had struck. The dancefloor was full, anyway, so you shouldn’t have been surprised that no one paid attention to a stranger dragging you away, and yet, you wished so dearly that someone would have.

That, you figured, was how you ended up in that warehouse, tied to a chair with your head heavy and groggy, just like your eyelids. You couldn’t tell how long it had been, but you were tired and scared and all you wanted was to go home.

You came to when one of your captors roughly grabbed your chin and tilted your head up. ”Smile. It’s for your boyfriend”, the man grinned in satisfaction, and as he squished your face and snapped a photo of you, you squinted at the flash. It was over quickly but the burn on your jaw remained, and it made you groan as you tried to look around you and process your surroundings.

”What do you say we make you all pretty for when he arrives?” the man spoke up in front of you, and when you turned to look at him, you saw the gleaming knife in his hands. You inhaled sharply and your whole body tensed at the implications, but with your wrists and ankles tied, there was nowhere for you to go.

He traced the knife across your stomach, not enough to draw blood but enough to remind you he could. He then fisted the material of your dress in one hand and, with his other one, drove the blade through the fabric, creating wide tears over your chest and thighs. He laughed mockingly, and as he trailed the knife past your revealed chest, tears welled up in your eyes.

”You’re going to regret this”, you mustered, but the shakiness in your voice didn’t make a very convincing case. Still, the attempt was enough to piss him off, and before you could do or say anything else, he had cut you right across your collarbone.

”Don’t talk back to me”, he warned you, and despite the tears running down your face, you stared back at him defiantly.

”You’re pathetic”, you spat at him, and within seconds, he had swung his hand across your face, making the warehouse echo with the smack. You cried out, and in an instant, you were back in your childhood home — at the hands of your parents, slapped around like you weren’t worth anything else.

You supposed that dissociating from the situation was how you got through the next hour. You were far too busy stuck in a flashback to fully process the cuts you received at the hands of your captor, but you heard every word he whispered in your ear.

You’re worthless. You deserve this. No one’s coming to save you.

It was all too familiar to you. But you had survived then, and you were determined to survive now — you knew Frank was coming to your rescue. Even if you had barely started dating, he wouldn’t let an innocent person get killed by his enemies, and that was exactly why you had faith that it was only a matter of time.

And, indeed, eventually you heard gunshots from behind the heavy door closing you alone with the man. He flinched, and when you both heard Frank roar out his name, you knew it was time. He reacted by circling behind you and holding the knife to your throat, so tight you barely dared to breathe.

Then the door opened, and Frank looked absolutely feral as he pointed the gun at the man behind you. ”Let her go”, he demanded with his gravelly voice, and the man only laughed.

”You stupid—”, he began, but Frank didn’t waste more time — he pulled the trigger, and your captor dropped dead, the knife clattering against the floor as he did.

You exhaled heavily, and immediately, Frank was rushing to your side. ”I gotchu, sweetheart. ’M here now. I’mma take you home, okay?” he rasped, using his own knife to free you from your binds. Your body slumped forward and he caught you with ease, supporting you against his chest as he gathered your limbs and heaved you up into his arms.

”I got you”, he repeated in a quiet whisper, before carrying you out to his truck and taking you home.

Soon enough, you were seated on the edge of your bathtub with an ice pack against your bruising eye and Frank’s hand ghosting over your body to assess all the damage. In hindsight, it really wasn’t as bad as it could have been — minor, shallow cuts littered your skin but they didn’t even need stitches, and the drugs were wearing off. Frank still made sure to disinfect the cuts and apply band-aids where it was necessary, but for the most part, there was nothing to do about the physical aspect.

He helped you out of your torn dress and into one of his sweaters, and the whole time, you could tell how tense he was, like he was a ticking timebomb about to go off.

”You saved me”, you voiced your thoughts out loud, after not having said a word since he had found you. Your words got his eyes to meet yours, and you gave him a weak smile. ”You found me and I’m okay”, you added, and with a wry scoff, Frank looked down at your conjoined hands as you stood in the middle of your bedroom.

”You’re not okay”, he grunted, his voice dripping with guilt and blame, all of it directed at himself. ”I never shoulda let this happen”, he continued as he let go of your hands and started pulling off his skull-adorned vest, only now finding the time to take care of himself.

”It wasn’t your fault”, you argued with a frown, and with his back turned to you, Frank shrugged.

”Wouldn’t have happened to you if you weren’t involved with me”, he pointed out, and from the fragile tone, you felt like he was on the verge of tears. It made you sick to your stomach, and in a sick twist, you started to feel guilty, for causing him distress.

You weren’t used to someone looking after you, either. And his care-taking seemed to only emphasize the voice in your head that your parents had instilled in. You didn’t deserve it. You would have been better off dead.

Swallowing, you gave Frank’s back a caress before dropping your hand. ”Let’s just get some sleep, okay?” you proposed, ready to put this night behind you, and with a small nod, Frank agreed.

It was 4 AM when you jolted awake from a nightmare. You cried out as you flinched up, and reacting to the potential danger, Frank snapped out of his slumber, ready to attack. When he saw you sitting next to him, on the edge of hyperventilating, he ran a hand across his face and reached for your arm.

”Sweetheart”, he called for you, and startled out of your haze, you turned to look at him. You let your shoulders drop and with a sigh, you buried your face in your hands, all the while Frank climbed out of bed and began pacing back and forth in the room.

”This is my fault, shit, I never should have let you go. I never should have gotten you involved in the first place”, he rambled away, ”I fucked up, I did, and now you’re sufferin’ ’cause of me.”

Shaking your head, you tried to open your mouth and tell him. You wanted to. But a part of you was nervous. You hadn’t told him about all your trauma yet, hadn’t disclosed the effects your childhood still had on you, and you didn’t know how to get the ball rolling.

”Frank���, you croaked out, but he didn’t stop pacing. ”Frank, listen to me. It’s not your fault”, you insisted, and finally, he gave you a weary look, like he was catching you in a lie. But it wasn’t a lie — your nightmare hadn’t been about the man with the knife, it hadn’t been about the cuts or the bruises, it hadn’t been about any of it. It was like any other nightmare you had on a regular basis, and if anyone was to be blamed, it was your parents.

”Look… I didn’t want to tell you like this, but it’s not the first or the worst time I’ve been hurt”, you started, and finally, Frank paused and sat on the edge of the bed to be closer to you.

”Whaddya mean?” he wondered, curiosity and concern in his voice as he looked at you intently.

”My parents”, you shrugged with an unamused chuckle. ”I guess all of this is reminding me of the way they treated me. They put me down, physically and verbally, and no one’s ever looked after me the way you do”, you explained, and instantly, something shifted in Frank’s eyes.

”Shit”, he breathed out, ”baby, I’m sorry. You realize you deserve to be looked after, right?”

You licked your lips in thought. ”I don’t know”, you answered truthfully, and that was what got Frank to snap out of his guilt. He sat closer to you and took your hands in his, peppering your knuckles with kisses.

”I mean it. I’m real sorry no one’s shown you that before. But lemme tell you, I was going outta my mind tonight. I was wonderin’ if I’d ever see ya again. And that’s a feeling I never wanna deal with again. I want you in my life, and I fuckin’ wish it wasn’t so dangerous”, he ranted, and pursing your lips together in a faint smile, you nodded.

”It really wasn’t that bad. I’m okay. You came to get me”, you assured, before adding, ”and you’re worth it.”

Chuckling, Frank ducked his head before leaning in to kiss your forehead. ”You’re worth everythin’. I adore you, y’know? There ain’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you”, he emphasized, holding you close to him.

”Thank you for saying that. I might need some support for the next few days. I think I can manage it for the most part but after getting triggered things suck a little extra for a while”, you spoke shyly, worried that you were putting too much pressure on him, or revealing too much of yourself. This thing with him was still so fresh, and that was why you had avoided telling him about your past before — it was too much too soon. But now, you supposed, you both had baggage and it was just a part of who you were.

”Hey, you got it. Anything else you need right now?” Frank tilted his head at you, and quickly, you nodded.

”Yes. For you to stop blaming yourself and to get in bed with me”, you decided, and with a chuckle, Frank nodded.

”Aight. I’ll try my best. C’mere, sweetheart.” And with that, he wrapped you into his embrace and helped you fall back asleep, satisfied that you were still in one piece and home with him.

[khaire-traveler]

Avoiding Trauma Reenactment in Pagan & Polytheist Communities

***Mentions of emotional abuse***

Something I've noticed is that there's a lot of trauma within the pagan and polytheist communities. Many trauma survivors - religious or otherwise - seem to come to these religions, maybe seeking comfort or maybe not.

Unfortunately, when there is a lot of trauma within a community, there tend to be cycles of it as well. People traumatize other people because, to put it simply, hurt people hurt people. I've experienced this first-hand and done it, obviously unintentionally, myself. So here's my advice on how to avoid traumatizing the shit out of one another.

Go to therapy or counseling if you're able. If you're not able, I suggest at least looking up ways to cope with trauma (CPTSD or PTSD may be specifically helpful for some people) and identifying your personal triggers. For example, some people might be triggered by not getting an immediate response to their messages, especially if emotionally charged, and may react based on the burst of emotion that triggered trauma can cause.

Recognize whether or not you're reenacting your own trauma in unrelated situations. This happens A LOT with abuse survivors specifically. There is a tendency to reenact one's traumatic experiences which can even come in assuming the worst of a situation or staying around people who remind you of (or treat you like) past abusers. Do you find yourself reenacting past trauma with others? Do you find yourself engaging with self-fulfilling prophecies?

When you feel yourself reacting with extreme emotion to a situation, try to pause yourself for a moment and ask yourself why you're feeling such a strong reaction. This is a skill that's easier said than done, and it takes some practice, but overtime, it becomes easier and easier. I've found it to be very helpful in identifying when my trauma is causing me to react a certain way to something vs. my genuine reaction.

Remind yourself that constructive criticism is not a personal attack on you. It's healthy to receive constructive criticism from others, especially friends who may be addressing issues within your friendships. Remember that when you receive criticism, it doesn't automatically mean that someone is trying to tear you down.

You are not responsible for how others react to you. This is a very helpful reminder for survivors of emotional abuse especially, since there's a tendency to self-blame. This is a reminder that takes a lot of practice, but when someone sends you cruel and hateful words, remember that 1. you don't have to listen to them, and 2. you are not responsible for the way someone else feels about or reacts to you. Simply put, we cannot control the emotions of others, as scary as that can be, and it's best to keep reminding that to ourselves.

If someone makes you uncomfortable, you are allowed to block them. You don't need permission from anyone to block this person. It's best to keep away from people who remind you of past abusers specifically to avoid potential reenactment.

Try to assume the best of people. Most people are not out to get you; most people are trying to passively enjoy internet time just the same as you. Of course, this doesn't mean harmful and hateful people don't exist, but it's best to not make yourself riddled with anxiety over that potentiality.

Practice healthy conflict resolution skills. This is something I recommend doing with a therapist or only after extensive research. The best type of conflict resolution, in my experience, is relating your emotions calmly and maturely. Try not to go flying off the handle or reacting with repeated apologies. Take a moment to ground yourself before addressing the conflict because even though it feels extremely pressing and urgent, it can likely wait for you to ground yourself first.

Don't go looking for a fight. Don't start arguments where it's not necessary, and don't go after people's personal character just to prove your point. These situations can end horribly for all parties involved. Should go without saying, but this includes not harassing people for their "wrong" opinions. It's an opinion, not a fact; please ground yourself if it truly upsets you that much.

Try not to say things with the intention of hurting someone. This is unwise for several reasons. It can lead to long-term regret later on, you can end up traumatizing someone with your words, and you may find that you were projecting your own feelings onto someone else. All sorts of consequences can come from this, so I encourage you to think before you speak. If you're extremely upset, wait to respond, and take time to cool off first.

This is all the advice I can think of off the top of my head. I hope it helps someone! Take care, everyone. 🧡

[adhd-mess]

I have so many thoughts about episode 8 but I'll begin with my favorite dumbass: Tusgaru Shinuchi, this is a little meta I made, it was supposed to be about him and Aya's relationship but I got distracted.

This scene is by far one of my favorites. I love Jack's just utter confusion on why they were chasing them. Like he can't imagine why?

"Chasing us? For what? Revenge? A cure?"

He doesn't get it. Because he wanted to be this hybrid, he had a choice whereas Tsugaru didn't. But what catches my attention in this scene is Tsugaru's reaction to him saying "for what?"

The most likely involuntary head raise, the widening of the eyes, the gasp. What Jack said triggered Tsugaru trauma. The curtain closes only for a moment on his performance of being the Headliner.

And then we get his memories coming in

A normal shot of Tusgaru standing in front of some body of water covering his face

Then it shifts and he's completely shaded black

He's shaded completely black as he remembers the torture, his trauma. To me it kind of feels like he's reliving his trauma . Typically when someone with ptsd is having a flashback they will think that it's currently happening to them--reliving it.

But that doesn't always manifest in the way we see ptsd portrayed(specifically with veterans)in media. You can relive a flashback, think you are there, but it doesn't show in real life. (i have cptsd as does my sister). Maybe except for eyes widening and gasping, and some others that aren't relevant.

To help bring someone out of a flashback you need to remind them of the present, he does this himself. Jack's question triggered a flashback but it also reminded him of why he was doing this.

The person who gave him a reason to "live", or better put, a better cause to die for--destroying the man who is to blame.

Aya Rindo.

or appearing in blood is just a power of the immortal and she knew Tsugaru was having a flashback and could have died either way Aya brought him back to reality.

He sees her in the pool of blood between his legs which is interesting but okay. And then our favorite Headliner is back

Our Jack here takes that the wrong way, I doubt he knows the double meaning that lies in those words. The meaning we learn in the first episode where Tsugaru says the only reason he keeps killing is one day he'll go feral from using his ability(? cant remember exactly)and kill his owner and all the people who support his and the onis abuse.

A little tangent here: Tsugaru's nonchalant and "dumb lug" attitude is the reason Tsugaru got the diamond in the end. He knows acting that way gives him a certain power, the ability of being underestimated. I know that's a given but I just love that

[the80srewinders]

So I posted the truth on why sysmeds are the way they are. How they attack people who they feel are invalidating them and anyone who disproves their false reality they hide in. How they bait the people they want to smear. And I got a comment on that post that proves as an example of that.

First, I'd like to start with this is blatant misgendering: I have never gave any gender clues on this account about me (host.) I never used a feminine name here, and the name I chose is gender neutral and common with masculine aligned people, non binary or transgender. I don't advertise my pronouns here because I like some form of anonymity, and the name I use on here is not my real name as an alter, host at that, or anywhere- its a way of keeping anonymous, somewhat. So what this person did was assume gender or intentionally use "girl" knowing there is a chance I might not be. That alone says all you need to know about this person.

Yes, the body is special needs. Not revealing too much for safety, but we have immune system issues and psychological issues other than DID and CPTSD. But how does special needs even come into this? Even if you're referring to the ableist stereotype on people who are both mentally and physically disabled, it still doesn't mean they can't be plural from trauma. Or at all.

You don't need trauma to be a system. You might need it to be a DID/OSDD system, but even that hasn't been proven yet and as of this writing (February 1 2024) it is not listed as a requirement in the DSM or ICD. There have been people with DID/OSDD who report no trauma although those numbers are small. People have spread the "DID/OSDD forms from trauma only" view without knowing that for a fact- sure its what causes most cases of DID/OSDD, including ours. But if you read the science behind how DID develops, a high ability to dissociate is all that's needed besides overwhelming experiences. This could be sensory/overstimulation in an autistic child (and many people with DID/OSDD also have autism, maybe sensory/overstimulation trauma causes or paves the way for DID/OSDD in them) or frequently having needles and other scary or invasive medical treatments as a child. DID/OSDD is commonly associated with the most severe abuse when it's not always the case. If DID/OSDD is a disorder caused by trauma then why can't "mild trauma" be on that list if it causes dissociation? What seems like "mild trauma" is severe to a small child in the age range DID/OSDD develops.

And about the "have a horrible life" comment, thank you because it's obvious I have or else I wouldn't have DID to hear you tell it, right?

That's also not something to say to someone who is still struggling with their trauma. Being a so called traumatized person going out here and saying hateful comments like that only proves that you let your trauma turn you into a miserable toxic exclusionist, when we built ourselves into better people because of our trauma. You know trauma is a serious and sensitive subject, and you should be just as serious and thoughtful when talking to other traumatized people.

Also I'd like to add the use of delusion in this context is ableist. Delusions are often painful to the people who have them and people with DID/OSDD can experience delusions, as can anyone with any mental disorder. The brain is complex and no one will fully understand it, which is why we're always going to advocate for everyone's lived experiences.

[many-but-one]

i dunno if you guys answer asks but what’s the best way to start… remembering? our social worker suggested hypnotherapy but i don’t know if that works well. we’re aware of the possibility of ramcoa trauma happening and have a few memories but we don’t know how to go about piecing things together

We do answer asks! We just forget we have an askbox sometimes. This one caught my attention in particular due to the mention of hypnotherapy and a possibility of RAMCOA trauma.

Obligatory “I’m not a therapist I’m just a random system on tumblr and you should make your own informed decisions on your own mental health.”

So if you suspect RAMCOA trauma in your history I would advise to be extremely careful and/or cautious about pursuing hypnotherapy. We have never done hypnotherapy and never will because hypnosis is a very common mode that programmers will use to create a dissociated state in a child. Hypnosis therefore is extremely triggering to us and if your system has parts who are programmed to run when hypnosis begins, it could cause a risk to your system’s stability.

As for tips on how to remember, all I will say is that you should probably consider the factors that make you unable to remember at this time.

Common reasons why amnesia can be strong/worsen for systems (side note: these are all personal experiences or experiences I’ve heard from other systems):

stress in daily life often causes amnesia barriers to strengthen or worsen

a lot of trauma has already recently come out. Especially in the case of HC-DID or C-DID where higher ups can often control amnesia levels to an extent, your gatekeepers will often increase amnesia levels if trauma has already recently slipped out to avoid even more slipping out

you are still having to consistently interact with someone who was involved in or complicit in your trauma. If you are living with your dad who you think is kind of a dick but not that bad and suddenly get memories that he tortured you, living with that person will become nearly impossible for your wellbeing. Gatekeepers will often keep stuff locked down when you are still having to be in contact with past abusers

you are not in a stable position to begin to receive trauma memories. People with CPTSD, a CDD, etc often report that they function fine enough when they are living in an abusive environment, but once they leave that environment and can truly relax, that’s when memories and flashbacks start hitting them and they become nearly nonfunctional despite being in a significantly calmer and safer environment. That’s your body and mind finally leaving fight or flight mode and when you truly get to relax for the first time it’s going to hit you like a truck.

Take it from a host that dug too much too soon and learned things way too fast: slow the fuck down. /meant gently. Your memories will surface in time. There is no rush to figure everything out. Trust me, the more you start learning the more you will probably be like “damn actually I don’t wanna know any more this is getting pretty bad” and by then your system will be like “WELL THAT’S TOO DAMN BAD.”

I had to get pulled from the host team for nearly a year because of how bad digging for memories fucked me up. Granted, I ended up taking up inner caretaking and inner deprogramming and now that our system is very nearly completely deprogrammed, my inner world job is less necessary so I can return to full time host business. There were several other factors that also led to me being unable to host again for so long, such as programmed parts constantly attacking and harming host team members (couldn’t handle that I am Fragile) and also having a harder time speaking in an American accent and masking my English one due to a series of splits that happened after we got divorced from our ex wife. I can mask my accent better now and my distress tolerance is much higher now due to having worked with programmed parts internally for so long, which makes me able to return to main host stuff and not get absolutely mentally destroyed anytime I experience a flashback or programmed response or an attack from a programmed part anymore.

If you have RAMCOA trauma, no matter if it was stuff from a single parent or a high control group, none of it will be fun to learn. It will be some of the most devastating, heart-wrenching, soul-crushing things you will ever experience, seeing flashbacks of your kid self being harmed in ways no human should be harmed, let alone an innocent kid. And I’m not saying you’re trying to learn for the fun of it, I’m assuming you want to learn for two reasons at least:

1) you’re in denial and need proof

2) you want to help your system heal

What I did to help myself through these two things were this:

When I experienced denial, such as when a part told me something or showed me something, I would just default to believing them no matter if I thought something like that could ever happen. My kid self deserves to have someone believe them. We were never believed as a kid, nobody paid attention, we were ignored. I’m never doing that to myself ever again. If the memory turns out to be a pseudomemory, or you realize maybe this didn’t really happen the way you thought, you’ll figure that out when you get there and that doesn’t mean you were faking it.

As for wanting to help my system heal, I learned I actually didn’t need to know as much info as I thought I needed to know to help my system heal. The extent of what I know now is a few visuals, that’s it. I have seen maybe about a dozen visual memories (not even in their entirety, often just 1 or 2 seconds of something) and the rest is just “this is what happened” as told to me by my parts. It’s like reading a horrible story, I’m incredibly detached from it. But the things I have seen have helped me learn to take my parts seriously when they tell me what happened. I catalogue their triggers, I learn what to avoid, I learn how to positively trigger out other parts who can help, I work on inner communication, etc. I don’t need to know all the details yet, that will come later. For now, I can teach my parts who haven’t seen the light of day for 15 years how to ground in the present and show them healthy coping skills. I can give them the comfort and love they always deserved. I don’t need to know what happened to do that. I can know it’s bad because they got triggered out when I looked in the mirror and they saw my red lipstick and freaked. I can know it’s bad because they internally look like a doll with no limbs or a young girl with no eyes and only a mouth full of teeth. I don’t need to see what made them that way/remember what made them that way to help them.

I hope my answer helped anon! Good luck!

-Dori 🌹(she/he/they)

[jemeryl]

As someone overwhelmed at the prospect of reparenting myself, where do I start?

I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier, I've been using social media very sporadically this year. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic to share that are based on my long and ongoing healing journey.

This is going to be a lot of information about something that's already overwhelming, so I've tried to include advice on how to deal with the overwhelm of it all.

Disclaimer: I'm not a mental health professional. With that in mind, these are what i consider the main aspects:

Physical Reparenting (getting your needs met/asking for help)

Emotional Reparenting (understanding what you're going through)

Finding Other Kids to Play With (making healthy connections) (highlighted because it's the one most personal to me!)

1 - Physical Reparenting: getting your needs met/asking for help

I put this at the top because you need to stay alive in order to heal, and sometimes that's all you can manage. That means feeding yourself and your dependents, cleaning, doing laundry, UGH. Your parents didn't teach you how to do any of that, but other people can. And when you don't have the energy to ask, or you feel too ashamed, you have the internet!

A search engine can help you with even the most basic of topics. How do I brush my teeth? How do I do my laundry? How do I make friends?

Importantly, there is now lots of advice on how to do these things when you're struggling. For example: disposable paper plates and cups mean you don't have to do dishes. There are recipes you can learn so you can get a healthy meal with minimum effort.

I've found reddit great for this, eg: mom for a minute and cleaning tips. I've usually found that you can ask anything, even the most embarrassing thing, and people will either give you advice or direct you to where you can find out more.

You can't learn it all at once: focus on one thing at a time and find something that works. Once you've built the muscle memory for that one thing, you can focus on learning a new thing. That way, over time, you can build up your toolbox and turn your attention to other things. Such as...

2 - Emotional Reparenting: Understanding what you're going through

Often when we're abused or neglected, we lack the language to articulate or even understand what we went through, let alone heal from it. Once you understand what happened to you and why you act the way you do, you can start to figure out how to come back from it. This is where you learn to parent yourself emotionally.

There are lots of resources, so find one that resonates with you. Stick with it till you've got what you need from it, then move onto the next.

Here are some resources I've personally found helpful, based on what form of media you like to consume.

Books: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Podcast: Respectful Parenting by Janet Lansbury. This is aimed at parents of infants and toddlers, but I'm finding it extremely helpful in being compassionate to myself and others when feelings are running high.

YouTube: Heidi Priebe; The Crappy Childhood Fairy. These two make videos on attachment trauma and various things related to CPTSD. Also on specific issues that crop up in our relationships and daily lives. They also are great for recommending other resources that you might find helpful.

3 - Finding other kids to play with: Making healthy connections

Playing is super important, whatever age you are! So many of us were too busy parenting our parents, or we never had anyone to play with, or we only ever got bullied. It's an essential part of childhood development that we missed in some way. This is something I find distinct about reparenting and treating childhood trauma.

This is hardest part by far, imo, but a vital one. Going to therapy is a great step. Devouring content and learning how to meet your basic needs is essential. But I believe true healing can only take place by establishing and maintaining genuine connections with others. Playing is the perfect way to do that!

Connecting with people is easier said than done, so how the heck do you go about it, you may ask? Keep going, gentle reader, because I have got some tried and tested advice for you!

This is the long one, so skip to the bottom for the tldr.

Mental health support groups are great, but spending all your time talking about how miserable you are can get you stuck ruminating and make you feel even shittier. That's something to be mindful of.

I recommend joining a group activity, like a sport, band, or gaming club.

Ideally something you're passionate about, your hyperfixation, even if it feels cringe. A structured activity gets everyone motivated to meet up regularly (something that's very hard to do for the purpose of just hanging out); all the burden of making conversation is taken off because you can all focus on the task at hand; and you have to practice communicating with one another to make it work.

Connecting with people is scary, and you will make mistakes and get hurt. It's important to keep trying anyway.

You will run into people like you, who are suffering and trying to better themselves. They will act out because they can't help it. They'll flake, they'll ghost, they'll accuse you of being abusive because they can't tell if it's abuse, a genuine mistake, constructive criticism, what have you. They sometimes turn into abusers themselves because they're now in a situation where they can punch down and get away with it. That makes people feel powerful in a way they've never felt before, which is seductive.

You might do any and all of these things, but you can learn to fix your behaviour. You will find people who'll establish appropriate boundaries, support your growth, and you will emerge as a healthier, better person.

The key is to find a peer group that is committed to healing together.

This takes time and experimentation, but you are not alone. You will find people of all ages and walks of life who will walk this path with you. This is what all the resources and books are for: learning to identify how to make connections and build a community that's healthy and supportive. Where you will probably fuck up and hurt each other, but will fight to come back from it and fight to grow together. This is where you will build the healthy, enriching relationships you should've have from the very beginning.

You may need to sever unhealthy connections.

It's extremely painful and difficult to cut off a family member, partner, or friend who's bad for you, and this is a whole topic on its own. However, you can develop a sense of when to stay and when to leave, and even though it's hard and lonely, you will be able to find people who are better for you. That will make it easier to know who to commit to in the long run.

TLDR: Focus on the social thing that brings you the most joy.

It takes a few tries to find out what is the best thing for you. Once this is stable, then you can expand your horizons.

Personal example: For this entire year, my main social focus has been keeping my Dungeons & Dragons groups going. I have two games a week on average, so I get to DM and play. Now that that's stable, I can go back to other friendships, and stuff I neglected (such as social media). The people who are worth it are the people who would never hold it against me for going off the grid for awhile.

I hope this has been helpful!

[bemamar]

How sure are you that Amber is lying? About how sure you were that Taylor Swift was a lying bitch manipulative mean woman snake, and deserved to die, lose her career, be assaulted, “stop existing,” be “taken down a peg,” have her awards taken away, all due to your undeniable, super concrete, phone call recording proof? 

How sure are you that Amber is not only mentally ill when her “diagnosis” wasn’t a diagnosis by any means, but that this also means she is clearly the one doing something wrong and should be stopped? Maybe about how sure you were that Britney Spears was “sick, out of her mind,” and deserved to have her children taken away, have her bad influence on girls stopped, and was clearly incapable of living her own life, because being mentally ill means you’re either incapable or dangerous? --- all because the media “diagnosed” her as such?  

How sure are you that Amber is a huge fame/attention seeking cheating slut, that deserves to get beaten around? About how sure you were that Paris Hilton was a huge fame seeking slut when her 33 (fourteen years older than her) year old boyfriend released the tapes against her will and knowledge, when she was a teenager? Or maybe you’re as sure that Amber is a money digging shallow blonde as you were that Paris was one, even though now we know she was just reacting to deeply traumatizing childhood abuse and CPTSD?

When all of those things happened (and we could keep going), did you do your own research? Did you look into things yourself? Or did you just believe what someone told you, that someone told them, that their cousin read this on the headline cover of a magazine? Did you use your own critical thinking, or did you just believe what someone “exposed” on Twitter? 

And when all of the truth came to light, did you feel ashamed? Were you one of the people clamoring about the “deceitful, hateful, media” and how “we really should” think before dolling out judgement, specially in a public forum? Maybe you were one of the people pointing out how many profited from the taken down of these people?

None of these cases, none of the “regrets” people have over it, no amount of “I’m sorry I went on with the crowd,” NONE of it means ANYTHING, if we don’t learn anything from them. 

That all being said. If you’re STILL so sure, tell me: How SURE are you? Are you SO sure that you would laugh at a recounting of repeated rapes? Are you SO sure, that you would help propagate sayings such as “bitches lie”? Are you SO sure, that you would feel comfortable knowing that abusers who are NOT celebrities can and have now started using your mockery as a defense?  Are you SO sure that you don’t care if your posts and mocking videos discourage victims even more from speaking up at all? Are you SO sure that if your harassment did cause another human being to take their own life, you’d celebrate? Are you SO sure that you know for a fact you’ll be happy and satisfied with yourself having spent all the money you’ve made from the mockery of a domestic violence case, if an year --  or 10 years -- from now some sort of evidence you finally believe comes up?

Are you THAT sure? 

You might never believe her. You might even be right. But even if you are, is THIS the legacy you want to leave behind? Is this amount of hatred and harassment that you think will help other victims of abuse? Is this how you think that the rights of male victims of abuse are to be forwarded? With mockery of recounts of abuse and sexual assault? With online harassment? Whether you believe them to be real or “stolen” or “made up”? Because trust me, even if you are right, someone has been through, and is going through, these exact things. Do you REALLY think they’d take joy in watching you? That they’d laugh at your videos? Or are you so sure that you are right, that you just don’t care?

How sure are you?

[frecklystars]

im sorry i gotta vent one more time about this situation and then i'll put a lid on it for the night 😭

dude im still so so so baffled that my abuser, will full awareness that it's easy for me to run into the *thousands* of commissions of herself that she has floating around online, literally changed her fucking color scheme to barbie pink because she knows pink was a trigger for me because of her. that's so malicious. i asked a group of friends who also struggle with cptsd and i was like "hey am i being paranoid, or-" and they were like "no, that was intentional behavior. that is how manipulation works" and it just. hurts. it sucks.

because i know the truth of why she does those tiny, subtle little actions that she knows would hurt me, and i cannot point at them in the public and say "look how this person is intentionally hurting me" because she'd phrase it as "what did i do? i just made a pink OC :) i do nothing wrong." this happened one time when she joined a patreon that i was a part of, that she KNEW i was a part of, specifically because it would fuck me up knowing she was there. and then when the patreon artist confronted her about that she was like ":) i do nothing wrong. im just supporting an artist! what's so bad about that"

it just reeks of venom that somebody that is not in my life anymore would go such lengths. she told me in the very beginning "i'm getting too attached to you. this isn't going to be good for you." and i had no idea what she meant. i know now. she'd tell me some disorders she had that would "make her act this way" and i asked my therapist about those, and she said "well let's assume she's telling the truth and she has these disorders... yeah she's going to be attached to you for a very long time. it's obsessive behavior and it's manipulative and i'm sorry it's probably not going to stop until she's attached to someone else" ... yeah that's horrifying! i remember the days she'd tell me in a creepy voice "i'm getting attached to you... this isn't good for you." and i was like, wtf does that mean...

the fact that i've been out of contact with this person for over one year now, and coming up in one week it's going to mark another year that i am still harassed and in danger by this person. i wish i could go into more detail about all the stuff that i've been dealing with offline but it's just so much and i am just, i am so tired. i am so exhausted of dealing with this person whether it's online or just battling the flashbacks and triggers.

i still feel really. bad. when i see barbie pink now. the fact that she changed her OC to make sure it was specifically that shade of pink because she knew it would trigger me... on a st/rscream commission of all things. my god. ive learned my lesson that i can never ever ever ever look at any TF images whatsoever unless if it's strictly from the source material, because she's just. everywhere. google images. i can never look at TF fanart ever again because she is more than likely to have commissioned these artists more than once. i am never touching the fandom again and i'm fine with that. i won't make any more friends who are into TF and that hurts but in the long run i accept that.

but dude. barbie pink? really? my god. i keep hoping i'm just freshly triggered and i'll move on, but i don't want to be scared of barbie. she's the one who was healing me. i don't want to lose barbie, then i'm going to lose the entire hyperfixation. i can't let this happen to me again. i feel it slipping away from me but i don't know what to do to stop it from happening. this cannot be a tr/nsformers situation all over again dude this canNOT happen to me again, i will not survive this a second time