#this is scary because this is not paranoia but a real thing that can happen to me at any moment

[didiwaffles]

Recently I have been struggling to make any plans, even though it doesn't involve anyone else but me. Because what if I'll feel so bad tomorrow I can't get out of bed?

Mid 20s be like.

[thelesbianpoirot]

I think the trans issue is pushing people further into conspiracy theories. I usually engage in water cooler talk with my normie coworkers, and I started noticing how many of them are subscribing to more and more right leaning conspiracy. And when I am like, why do you believe these things, they have been debunked by experts? They usually cite a lost of faith in major governing bodies because they are trying to gaslight them into believing nonsense already, so why trust them on other issues. A woman explicitly cites the American Psychological Associations support of gender transition and child transition as a reason she doesn't believe autism and ADHD are real. If this expert agency is lying to her on something she, a layman, knows is common sense, why should she trust anything else they say. I have seen this with anti-vaxxers too. If news bodies and medical bodies are telling her men can become women, and it's healthy for people to take cross sex hormones, why would she believe them about the usefulness of vaccines or events happening globally?

Paranoia, conspiratorial thinking and anti-social group think is growing amongst people who would have spent their lives as unaware normies because people have no trust in experts or governments that won't admit what a woman is. It's scary but makes some much sense. You stop trusting people who keep lying to your face about something you do not need to go to university to understand.

[thagomizersshow]

Content warning: blood, gore, sexual content, sexual assault, parasites and body horror

This is a heavily modified version of an essay I originally wrote for a literary theory class and then turned into a script for a video essay that I never finished. 

Enjoy :)

One of the things that really bothers me about the critical conversation around Alien (1979) is the long-running idea that the alien and its various forms are so enduringly horrifying because they break the sexual/gender binary.

The worst example I can find is this excerpt, from Alien Woman: The Making of Lt. Ripley, by Ximena Gallardo and C. & C. Jason Smith:

The Alien species disregards the sexual difference that is so essential to our definition of what it is to be human. The male body is repositioned to correspond to the female body: the male mouth becomes the vagina, the chest the womb. The dichotomy male/female is broken down, as all humanity is female (a womb) in the face of the alien.

I get that this was published in 2004, but Gender Trouble had already been around for over a decade, so that’s not much of an excuse for weird ass gender essentialism in academia.

Art by AlexanDraxleean ↑

The idea that the xenomorph and its various stages are scary because the gender binary is being broken down is comically disregarded by the simple fact that trans people (like myself) ALSO find the damn thing scary. We are living embodiments of a shattered binary, but we aren’t shitting ourselves over our own existence (usually). I contend that the alien is scary not because of a violation of gender or sexual norms, but because it utilizes a much more widespread and visceral kind of horror: that of the parasite.

Most other animalistic horror monsters rely on the fear of the predator: monster wanna eat you → you run away → get caught → get eated. This is an oversimplification, obviously, and if you want a really good exploration of how the fear of predators effects us, read Val Plumwood’s Eye of the Crocodile. For real, my fav ecophilosophy book.

No, instead of the more straightforward horror presented by the predator, the alien uses the inescapable, cloying, and violating horror of parasites and parasitoids. Where the predator hunts, kills and eats, the parasite clings, defiles and tortures. When the predator catches you, you’re dead. When the parasite catches you, you don’t know what is going to happen. Is it going to bury inside you? Is it going to feed on your body? Is it going to lay eggs in you? You literally don’t know, and that’s what makes them so scary. Hell, they could get inside you without you even knowing. It isn’t just the fear of death, it’s the paranoia of violation AND the fear of the unknown. This makes Alien akin to a Lovecraftian horror in many ways, but instead of the fear of race-mixing or disabled people, it is the fear that whatever you do, wherever you go, there are beings that can enter your body and use it against your will.

Hell, the whole premise of the movie, at least according to the screenwriter, came from the thought “what if ichneumon wasps laid eggs in us instead of in worms?” That basic idea is glossed over constantly in analysis of Alien in favour of more Freudian explanations that rely heavily on antiquated notions of gender essentialism. When early screening audiences were throwing up in their seats in 1979, were they thinking about how “this monster really transgresses gender norms :/” or were they thinking “fuck what if that thing was growing inside me?!?!”

The only time I agree with these old school interpretations is when they view Alien through the lens of sexual assault. The fear of sexual assault and the fear of parasites are fucked up sisters in a way. They are both fears of bodily violation that induce a strong paranoia, and their symbologies easily feed off one another. Sexual imagery (e.g. a penis shaped head with a mouth on the end) combined with parasitic imagery (e.g. a creature grabbing a hold of you and doing unknown things to your body) are both niggling at the part of your brain that is repulsed by internal invasion.

However, I’ve seen arguments that Alien specifically targets fears for cis men being sexually assaulted, and I think that’s a very limited approach to the movie. The idea of a creature latching onto you, ignoring your autonomy, and using you as an incubator is pretty universally scary if you ask me, and I think for most people, that idea connects to a primal and often unaddressed fear of parasites far more than sexual violation. Just look at videos of botfly maggot removals and tell me you don’t get the same yucky feeling as when you watch Alien.

Even for people like me who find these creatures fascinating, I still get that skin crawly feeling when I look at images of them for too long. And it isn’t just a short-lived disgust reaction happening, it’s also that feeling of paranoia that it could be happening to you right this minute. This is all a part of what is called the behavioural immune system, which is the brain’s first line of defense against infection and why most people are grossed out by signs of disease on the body (pus, rashes, body odours, etc.).

We really don’t like thinking about parasites, and it shows across our culture. Deadly predators of all kinds have been worshiped all over the world, but is there anyone in history who paid fealty to the tick? Who invoked the name of the roundworm for strength? Are there cartoons about anthropomorphic scabies and their kingdom of flesh? (If any of these exist and I just don’t know it, please tell me.)

I’m not saying that this is an innate feeling in all of us (the human experience is about as diverse as it gets, and I’m sure some people just don’t have this reaction and never have) but I do think it’s widespread enough and so infrequently felt that when this parasite repulsion is triggered it makes for a horror that is far harder to shake than any socialized fear of gender violation. Far more than any Freudian psychosexual imagery, the horror of the parasite is what I believe has made the xenomorph such an enduring cinematic monster.

I wanna leave this post off with one of my favourite quotes about parasites from Annie Dilliard’s book, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek:

It is the thorn in the flesh of the world, another sign, if any be needed, that the world is actual and fringed, pierced here and there, and through and through, with the toothed conditions of time and the mysterious, coiled spring of death.

[beauty-and-passion]

TMA - Chapters 41-50: Everyone is Michael

Hello people, welcome back to the beginning of TMA season 2! Ten more chapters are waiting and I am ready to find out if this season is gonna start with a bang or not.

I have high expectations.

<< Main Masterlist < Previous post 

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MAG 40.1 - Season 2 Trailer

Oh, a trailer! And it was… absolutely incomprehensible and cryptic af. All I got is that a trapdoor should’ve been locked, which translated from author-to-reader means: “The trapdoor is open and some weird supernatural shit will come out of it during the season”.

Well played, Mr. Sims. Now I really want to know more.

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MAG 41 - Too Deep

Ooooh, statement of Jonathan Sims? And it’s about the recently discovered tunnels! I love that we start season 2 directly from where we left in season 1: Jon is recovering, Jane Prentiss is recently dead (I suppose they burned her, considering the ashes) and there are a shit ton of tunnels to explore.

Also, Jon is now paranoid. Great, that’s exactly what he needed.

Jokes aside, this is an amazing choice from a writing perspective, because it’s perfectly justifiable. Jon got assaulted by Jane Prentiss and her worms on July 29th, now it’s September 2nd. It’s been a little more than one month, of course he’s still haunted by the idea that Jane (or other things) might be alive and spying on him.

Even if the feeling of being watched is not just paranoia. I bet everything that it’s Big Brother’s fault for that.

And just to confirm my words, it seems that the Archives have been built on part of this ex Millbank prison, which was built by following the idea of the Panopticon. You know, the prison centered around the idea of making the prisoners feel like they’re always watched, thanks to the central tower.

I love the idea of the Panopticon: it’s extremely cool and I’m very happy to see it here too… but it also proves I am right and Big Brother is some supernatural shit who watches everyone and has something like one million eyes or whatever.

The goddamn weird tunnels. And what about that incorporeal voice telling Jon to leave, right after inviting him to go down? I am extremely curious now, I want to know more! Who was it? Big Brother? Another supernatural shit?

Ah, so Jon will now add supplements to the statements, hide them from his staff just like he hid the existence of the second tape recorder and will put these parts away with precise instructions for his replacement, in case he dies. Great, so he’s this paranoid. Basically one step away from being pathological.

Fine, from one side, I can understand him because he faced some heavy shit not too long ago and he cannot trust anyone. So his sentence “Trust can get you killed” is understandable.

But I also watched Gravity Falls and I’ve learned that “trust no one” doesn’t help, especially if there is a demon watching/haunting you. So please, Jon: please. Be safe. Don’t pull a Dipper Pines on us. Don’t force me to start calling you Jon Dipper. Or Jipper.

And trust someone before some bad shit happens. You’re trying to find Gertrude Robinson’s killer and we all know it was Elias (don’t “first suspect” me and yourself, we both know it was him). So, since Elias already killed one person and he’s in cahoots with the Lukas family, you REALLY need as many allies as possible.

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MAG 42 - Grifter’s Bone

Here we are, back with simple, meh statements. This time, it’s “weird supernatural band kills with their weird supernatural music”. It’s a shame we don’t see how they do it, I would’ve loved to see the whole process. But I also understand that leaving this to the reader’s imagination is a good choice to make something scary.

Also, Alfred Grifter looking up after the massacre and asking “Encore?” is probably the most badass move of the series until now. He might be some minor supernatural shit, but that was a real power move. I respect him a little bit after this.

Glad to notice Jon’s skepticism is back too, but after the end of season 1, now I know why he does it and I understand. Also, his skepticism doesn’t seem as “stubborn” as before and that’s another great writing choice because it shows how all these supernatural shits are affecting him.

Also, since Jon is in Paranoia Land now, I suppose that emphasizing skepticism helps him hide his true intentions, which are… sigh, controlling Martin. Seriously, can this poor guy take a vacation? First the worms, then Jane Prentiss, now Jipper. Martin can’t even be competent, that his boss will question it - all while insulting his poetic skills. The paranoia made Jon even more of an asshole than before.

What? Martin is worried about the others finding out he’s been lying? Lying about what? Jane Prentiss? His supposed incompetence? His poetic skills? His need to go on vacation? In any of these cases, don’t worry, Martin: just take your stuff and go as far away from this Institute as possible.

I still dream something like this for Martin.

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MAG 43 - Section 31

I feel Basira will be a recurring character from now on. I mean, she is currently working on Gertrude’s case and she is a Section 31 - i.e. she dealt with supernatural shits before. But she’s not the only one: we also have Alice “Daisy” Tonner, who came in contact with “spider husks” and, for me, that means one thing only: “Spider Mom & gang”. So I bet these two women will probably be involved again with any other supernatural shit happening in this Institute.

It was also very cool to find out the name of the guy from MAG 12: Diego Molina. And I remember that, when he and Gerard were brought to the hospital, Gerard asked if Diego had “a small book bound in red leather and a brass pendant with an eye design”. The eye pendant is probably related to Big Brother, while the red book basically confirmed it was one of Leitner’s chaos books. I already suspected this considering Gerard was after that, but glad to see an implicit confirmation.

Speaking of the supplement, Jon gained access to the tapes in Gertrude’s room and I’m glad about that because we will surely find something cool and scary. But I’m also sure that’s the easiest way for Jon to get himself killed, so I’m a bit scared for his life.

Also, how weirdly cute is this part?

“I only ever spoke to Gertrude once or twice during her time as archivist. I-I was very new. I don’t remember what her voice sounded like.”

Jon sounds so young, here. Almost like a child. I mean, I imagined he was in his thirties or something, but I actually have no idea how old is he. Is he younger? How old is he?

Also, it’s just nice to see this little moment of him being so… soft and human, with his predecessor. He barely knew her, he barely spoke to her, he probably looked at her and saw just an older, stern figure. But now, he’s in the same position. They became a lot closer than they ever were. It’s fascinating - and there’s a lot of potential for angst too, so I’ll brace myself for it.

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MAG 44 - Tightrope

A statement recorded by Gertrude! it was such a pleasant surprise to finally hear her voice! And she sounds amazing <3

As soon as I heard it was a statement from a guy in Algasovo, I felt it was connected to something I already knew. I remembered there was a circus mentioned in season 1 and, after a little bit of research, I found it: MAG 24, Цирк другого: the Circus of the Other. Ringmaster Gregor Osinov and organist Nikolai Denikin - whose granddaughter recorded the abovementioned statement.

Sure, here it’s called Другой Цирк, which is correctly translated as “Another Circus”. So my question is: which is correct? Did the circus change its name? MAG 44 is from the 70s, while the photo mentioned in MAG 24 was from 1948. Maybe the circus was called Цирк другого, then it changed its name after Denikin left and became Другой Цирк. Anyway, it was very interesting to read and I was so sure it was the smae circus mentioned before (despite the different names). So when Jon mentioned Gregor Osinov, my smile grew bigger than ever :D

Speaking of Jon, he asks some very interesting questions: Gertrude knows a lot more than it seems. And she didn’t finish recording everything in the archive. Why? Was that her way to oppose Big Brother/the Lukas family/the “crimson curse”? Maybe Big Brother can “eat” these statements, so by stopping her recordings, Gertrude was voluntarily leaving it hungry, as a sort of “fuck you, I won’t get eaten by you” kind of thing.

Or maybe she just wanted to not do her job anymore, thus provoking the Lukas family to fire her for not doing anything. Or maybe she was just too busy trying to find a way to escape, to record statements like an insane you-know-who who keeps recording stuff because he wants to find out the truth even if the truth can get him killed.

Did someone find Jon’s tapes? Or is he in full Jipper mode and maybe the drawer wasn’t even ajar? In any case, now he’s hiding them too, which reminds me of Gertrude and her secret hidden library and I don’t like the parallel at all. I don’t want to see Jon dead on a chair, in a room, surrounded by his secret library.

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MAG 45 - Blood Bag

Another meh statement, even if this time I’m quite perplexed by the weird turn of events.

I mean, once Dr. Thompson sold his syringe, there was a sudden spike in heat, the ‘haemoglobish’ became real blood and the mosquitoes decided to wait for their moment to kill the doctor. They’re a lot of weird consequences and they don’t seem too connected either - especially the heat. Why is there always some heat involved?

While speaking of the mosquitoes planning revenge… yes, this is the most plausible thing. These little bitches always plan revenge on everyone.

So, the doctor’s buyer is “Indonesian, I think, or Samoan”. It’s Salesa, isn’t it? Yep, Jon confirms it. Well, I suppose he will be another recurring character. And if Gerard can smell Leitner’s book, Salesa can smell any supernatural shit and make a profit from it. In this case, I suppose the syringe was a real lucky charm or whatever, considering how everything degenerated once the doctor got rid of it.

“Can’t stand mosquitoes. Horrible things.”

You and me, Jon. You and me. Glad to know that, even if he’s in full Jipper mode, he can still be very relatable.

I know Jon was super paranoid with Martin, but he might have a point about Tim. I mean, a guy with this resume decides to work in a place that isn’t so appreciated by normal people? And he doesn’t seem too interested in the supernatural either. Why is he here, to bribe people to get info and do whatever the fuck he wants? If that’s the reason… honestly, mood. I loved him before, I would just appreciate him even more for the power move.

Jonathan Sims, Master at Hiding Things, gets caught by Martin in 0.2 seconds because he’s so clever to record his paranoid thoughts in the middle of a working day, in a place where everyone can enter. A genius.

But now I’m curious to know where he will go to record these statements. I can almost see him, all crammed up into a closet, while Martin searches for him with a cup of tea in his hand.

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MAG 46 - Literary Heights

Oh gosh, I LOVE this chapter.

First of all, as soon as Michael Crew was mentioned, I immediately checked the previous chapters and here he was: MAG 17, the Boneturner’s Tale. Also, if my last theory is correct, Michael Crew and Supernatural Micheal are the same thing. And you know what? I think this statement confirmed it. But one thing at a time.

Second: my man Leitner! Ex Altiora my beloved! We finally know where it was and what it is! It’s a poem and I ADORE the plot. It’s such a perfect mix of weird, suspense and desperation… uuuurgh, I’m so mad I can’t read it, because this plot can be developed into a fantastic story.

And now, let’s put together all the pieces we have:

Michael Crew is interested in the Leitner.

Michael Crew has “a branching pattern of white scar tissue” on himself.

Jon reminds us that, in MAG 4, Mr. Swain said there was a “woodcut of the dark night sky, with the branching, arching design of the Lichtenberg figure” inside Ex Altiora.

This drawing isn’t mentioned by Mr. Knox here.

Lichtenberg figures have a branched shape, similar to the shape of lightning discharges, and appear on the surface/inside insulating materials during dielectric rupture. But they can also appear on lightning victims.

They are also “natural phenomena which exhibit fractal properties”.

In MAG 4, Mr. Swain says Michael Crew got struck by lightning when they were kids.

Michael Crew is surrounded by smells associated with lightning and electric discharges.

Michael Crew has been followed by a tall, thin figure, “its limbs angular and branching”.

Supernatural Michael has angular and branching limbs.

Supernatural Michael Is associated with fractals too.

The figure also “crackled and fizzed, lit by a strobing white light, as though the lightning was within the room itself”.

When Michael Crew reaches the bell tower, the prays something with the words “altiora,” “vertigo,” and “the vast”. then he says “I’m yours”, leaps through the open window and disappears.

Now, here’s my explanation:

Micheal Crew was followed by a supernatural shit. This supernatural shit was the same immense figure mentioned in the poem of Ex Altiora.

Micheal probably came into contact with it when he was a child and got struck by the lightning. Since then, he started to resonate with Vertigo/the Vast just like Jane Prentiss started to resonate with the Hive.

(Also, since Jane Prentiss’ supernatural shit was “the hive”, I think I’ll call this one “the vast” because it was a bit odd that he specifically said “the vast” with a definite article)

So, since Michael Crew came into contact with the Vast and started to resonate with it, he was accompanied by smells associated with lightning/electric discharges and he started to search for all kinds of magic books, trying to find a way to properly connect with it/being consumed by it, just like Jane Prentiss did with the Hive.

In Prentiss’ case, she connected through the wasps’ nest and got “consumed” by the Hive. Michael Crew tried to do the same by using different methods mentioned in the books, but failed. He had to find something stronger to connect to the Vast. And that something turned out to be a tale featuring the Vast itself, told by my man Leitner.

So Michael got it and waited for a storm. And as soon as the storm came, he ran towards it, calling for the Vast. And when the Vast appeared, it looked like that figure similar to an actual lightning.

Michael sang/prayed for it (please notice how Mr. Knows refers to his words like a chant first and a prayer later, just like Jane Prentiss talked about the song of the Hive. These little shits truly talk through songs) and closed his invocation, by saying “I’m yours”, which can be also read as “I give my body to you”.

And so, he jumped. And by doing that, he gave his body to the Vast and the Vast became him. And that turned him into Michael the Supernatural Shit, also known as Best Boyo of this series.

If all of this is true, then:

it’s very cool

his name isn’t Mr. Distortion, but Mr. Vast. Still cool, but Best Boyo is better :P

And if this is true, that also means my previous Leitner theory was completely wrong. His books don’t turn you into the protagonist: his books are about the real, actual supernatural shits living in this world and by getting the right one, it’s easier to connect to the supernatural shit in question. They’re like… facilitators, in a way.

That also puts into question Gerard’s work. What is he actually doing, by searching and destroying all Leitner’s books? Maybe he’s saving the world, because without books it’s more difficult to connect to these supernatural shits. But destroying the books doesn’t mean getting rid of the supernatural shits themselves and these books might actually be useful to recognize all supernatural shits and “catalog” them. I don’t know, I need more info about these two guys and what they’re actually doing.

And yes, there’s also Spider Mom taking possession of the hidden tunnels of the institute and she’s probably the one who opens the door and maybe she even walks around in her human form and that’s very cool too. Just… how fricking cool is this statement?! I think it’s among my top favorites, along with MAG 2, MAG 5, MAG 20, MAG 26 and MAG 39.

(Now that I think about it, I should probably do a top of my favorite statements once I finish the whole series. It would be fun.)

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MAG 47 - The New Door

Holy shit. Just holy shit.

I thought this was just a simple statement. A statement featuring a tall blonde guy. And yes, I was 200% sure it was Michael. But I just though he appeared and did some weird supernatural shit.

For a while, he did it: he made a door in that house, Mrs. Richardson got lost inside it for three days and escaped just because one of the mirrors was “empty” and didn’t reflect Michael. So she did what everyone who met a supernatural shit did: she went to the Institute. My theory about “hiding behind a bigger predator” seems even more convincing.

I loved the little moment when Mrs. Richardson asked Jon if he believed her and Jon admitted that yes, he believes her. It’s a tiny exchange of words, but it’s enough to show the massive change in Jon from season 1. Before, he would’ve been more stern and showed more skepticism (fake or real whatsoever). But now, after all he went through, he’s showing a softer, more empathetic side. Jon is truly evolving as a character.

And speaking of characters, time to talk about the real shit and time to overanalyze everything:

*

Michael’s voice is perfect

First of all, I ADORE Michael. Sorry Tim, you deserve the world, but Michael’s soft laughs and the way he gently mocks Jon because he’s this powerful supernatural shit while Jon is just a mere human it’s just too adorable. His voice is too adorable. And the distortion effect makes him very creepy - but still extremely adorable. I love him so much.

*

Domains?

This part about domains is very fascinating and, in a way, it confirms my theory about the supernatural shits having territories like mafia bosses.

But it seems like they don’t simply take a place and own it. It’s a bit like they are these places. As if these domains are an appendix of them. So I suppose Michael doesn’t simply “make doors pop up”: he is the doors and the corridors. such a cool concept, it makes these supernatural shits look even more eldritch and… well, supernatural. Love it.

But also: if my theory about Big Brother is correct, does that mean Big Brother isn’t just hidden in the Magnus Institute, but is the Institute? Mmmh, I need more details.

It’s also very interesting how Michael refers to Mrs. Richardson as “the Wanderer”. Since it doesn’t seem like Mrs. Richardson is a supernatural shit, I suppose that “the Wanderer” is a name to identify the people who enter the domain of a supernatural shit and become food. But since calling them “food” isn’t nice, Michael (and maybe other supernatural shits) opted for a more sophisticated name, like “the Wanderer”.

Also, Michael reconfirms he’s a poet and I love him so much.

*

The concept of identity (and maybe my theory already failed?)

That’s another interesting part. Michael considers itself a “what”, because “it requires a degree of identity I can’t ever retain”. And this connects to its domain: since it’s so huge and can “overlap” reality by creating new spaces inside it (inanimate spaces), it was probably easier for Michael to identify itself as a “what” rather than a “who”.

But this distorted appearance made me think: wait, probably my brand new theory about Michael as Mr. Vast is completely wrong.

If Michael’s power is being distorted and making weirdly long, distorted corridors (that confirms Michael was probably the voice who told Jon to leave, when he explored the tunnels in MAG 41), that doesn’t line up with the previous statement, where the Vast’s power was related to lightning and to being this colossal figure.

At the same time, Michael laughs with a weird, distorted effect as if it’s more people in one figure and this detail seems coherent with my theory.

So I think there are two possible solutions now:

my theory is correct and Michael can both be hugely vast and very distorted

my theory is wrong and Michael Crew just offered himself to another supernatural shit

Or maybe the correct option is:

3. Mr. Sims is the biggest troll of all mankind and he made a series in which every supernatural shit is named Michael and this explains why everyone is named Michael and why Michael is such a familiar name. If this is true I would respect him even more.

Jokes aside, I really need more information now. Especially I need Michael (this one at least) to talk about itself and its powers. And maybe all other Michaels should talk a bit about themselves too. At least enough to confirm if my theory is right or wrong.

*

A war?!

No, wait, you cannot drop this bomb, tease us like this, then leave. Stay here and explain!

Okay, so the Institute is important. It should stay where it is, because losing it would bring imbalance in the hidden war that’s going on - between supernatural shits, I suppose.

In MAG 41, Jon said the Archives stand on an ex-prison, built around the concept of the Panopticon. This could explain why this place is needed: a place from where you can spy on everything and everyone is a great leverage in a war.

My question is: what are the sides of this war? I suppose that one side is Big Brother and maybe the weird supernatural fog of the Lukas family, but the other? The supernatural meat? And the spider gang? On which side was Jane Prentiss with the Hive?

And what are they all fighting for? To take over the world? To eat as many humans as possible? Or maybe the “All Michael theory” is correct and since all these shits are named Michael, they decided that the last one standing will officially take the name Michael and all others will have to choose another name? All while Best Boyo Michael decided “fuck this shit, I’ll keep this name anyway because it’s just a name and my identity is more than this”?

You know what? I love the All Michael Theory. It’s stupid and yet it somehow works. If it’s true, it would immediately turn the whole series from dramatic to comic, but I love it.

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MAG 48 - Lost in the Crowd

Oooh, a statement settled in Italy! Never visited Genoa, but now it deserves a visit. After all, I already think about this goddamn series every time I see a spider and have to kill it, so why not going to Genoa and fearing weird supernatural shits? Apparently, they love to go anywhere. Was this one taking a vacation?

Speaking of vacations: honestly, I never expected to see my man Gerard, rebel punk and goth, chilling in Italy with a bright shirt on. I hope you’re also wearing some nice shorts, Gerard. And no combat boots. Or sandals with socks. The Italian fashion police can be way worse than any supernatural shits.

So, my man went to Mrs. Nunis, told her she was “marked” and told her to think about her mother. To remember her. To, you know, feel less alone. I immediately thought about Naomi and how she too felt alone, when the mysterious fog tried to “eat” her in MAG 13.

But this time there wasn’t really a fog: the sunny day simply became overcast. So maybe the fog isn’t supernatural but… the clouds are? But then, what about the weird fog from MAG 33? Or maybe, the fog simply hides the real supernatural shit, which is this weird faceless crowd. And this time the fog was on vacation too.

Or maybe Italy’s weather is too warm for the thick UK fog, so the fog dispersed and left only the crowd. I’ll admit it, it would be hilariously funny if a supernatural shit is simply an atmospheric element end you can get rid of it by traveling far enough or by using, idk, an electric fan.

So one question remains: what was Gerard doing in Italy? Was he truly searching for a Leitner? Or maybe he was really taking a vacation? I like to think it’s the second one: unlike Jon “Trust No One” Sims and Martin “Self-preservation is overrated” Blackwood, my man Gerard knows when it’s time to get the fuck out and take a vacation. So he left all the supernatural shits and books to chill on a beach, take a cafè and eat some real food.

Great choice, Gerard, Genoa is a beautiful place.

Speaking of the supplement, Jon realized Michael was warning him about Sasha! But unfortunately, thanks to Not!Sasha’s evil powers, Jon cannot understand what the problem with her is. Damn you, evil imposter! Give Sasha back!

Jon “Jipper” Sims, Master of Secrecy, after being caught by Martin in 0.2 seconds, got caught both by Martin and Tim again and they both immediately realized Jon was spying on them. So they reported him to Elias.

See? See where “trust no one” brings you, Jon? Please, stop spying on them like a creep. why don’t you start spying Elias, instead? He’s the most suspicious guy that ever walked on this planet, why the fuck are you wasting time with your team when you have him?

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MAG 49 - The Butcher’s Window

I read the title and I immediately was: “The meat is back, isn’t it?”

But it’s not just the meat, it’s our old friend Jared! And he does incredibly weird creepy things! And I like them, because they’re creepy without being gorey. You know, it’s just too easy to use gore: scaring without gore is harder and I appreciate it.

Also, what the fuck is the weird… underground superleech he’s feeding? Is that the boneturner? Is this the name of this supernatural shit? After all, every supernatural shit seems to have a name that starts with the definite article: the hive, the vast, the boneturner.

And if we add up all the things we discovered until now, that means that Jared became the Boneturner/the body of the Boneturner thanks to the Leitner’s book that “facilitated” the connection and, since he became that thing, that thing also became him. So the underground creepy superleech is still part of him and by feeding it, he’s feeding himself too.

You know, the whole process of feeding it was creepy, fine, but it made me smile too because… come on, it looks like a guy throwing snacks at his dog. That’s funny.

But not as funny as the mental image of this weird superleech I got, that resembles something like this:

This is a sea lamprey. It’s not a leech, but it’s the closest animal to represent what I imagined. And yes, this is a real living creature on this planet. You’re welcome, glad to know this will haunt your dreams too.

A-ah! We finally got more info about Elias! I knew it was weird that he managed to go from filing clerk to head of the Institute, but I had no idea he became head of the Institute just in five goddamn years. What did he do, did he kill everyone else? Did he kill James Wright too? Did this man also “die on the job” as Gertrude?

Also, how absolutely, insanely funny is it to think that Elias was a pothead? I read it and I was like… what? This guy?! I always imagined him like a posh guy and now you tell me he was smoking crack or whatever? That’s too funny, I love that and it would be hilarious if that’s the reason why he killed everyone else: not because of the Lukas family, not because of the supernatural shits: just because he wants to hide his past.

_______________________________

MAG 50 - Foundations

Oooh, another old statement addressed to Jonah Magnus! I suppose that’s how the Institute started: with this guy walking back and forth inside his house, surrounded by creepy stories. A bit like Jon now. And nope, I don’t like this parallel.

The story itself is very meh. It’s not really creepy nor scary, just “mysterious guy appears outside an office” and “fingers on a stone uuuh”.

This statement probably served to remind us about Robert Smirke’s existence. Jon probably forgot, but I remember that in season 1, he said Tim mentioned him an architect he was obsessed with and this architect was Robert Smirke. So I suppose this guy is important.

We also have Sir George Gilbert Scott now. When Mr. Kempthorne said Scott’s projects had odd symmetries and seemed claustrophobic, they reminded me of the underground tunnels of the Institute. Is it possible that one of these guys is responsible for the construction of the ex Millbank prison? I suppose only time will tell.

I died laughing when Tim thought Jon was hitting on Basira. How he went from “That woman is weird” to “Good job boss, get her”. He’s the best, I love him.

_______________________________

In conclusion

Oh my, what a start for season 2! We have more Michaels than ever, too many theories and lots of mysteries I still can’t grasp.

I want more. I want to know more about Michael, I want to find out which theory is correct. Is Michael Crew one of the many identities of Best Boyo Michael? Is Michael vast and distorted or they’re two different Michaels? Is every supernatural shit named Michael? Is Elias just a pothead trying to survive in a world full of supernatural shits? Is Gerard still on holiday?

We’ll meet back soon with ten more chapters.

>> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[cowgurrrl]

I’m Still Glad I Met You

Summary: Ellie and her ghosts [~500 words]

Author’s note: this was almost titled “Don’t Go Where I Cannot Follow” so take that for what you will

Warnings: unedited, spooky activity, baby things, grief, insomnia

Sometimes Ellie thinks her house is haunted. It started after JJ was born and, at first, she didn’t believe any of it was real. She’s not usually one for specters and scary stories considering there’s no piece of fiction that could ever scare her more than reality. She thought they were just sleep-deprived or egging each other on with the delusional stories. But, once JJ’s first birthday rolled around, that seemed to be a weak excuse for everything happening.

When she’s home alone or Dina and JJ are still sleeping and the house is quiet, she swears it’s like there’s another person there with her. She feels eyes watching her every move and has walked around the house with her gun drawn more than once because she’s positive she heard uneven footsteps. It’d be easy to write that feeling off as paranoia or a lingering wound left over from her childhood but it’s harder when things move on their own.

When she’s exhausted after getting JJ to sleep, her slippers are an inch over from where she left them, narrowly missing her foot which would’ve made her fall and wake the baby. When she’s struggling to finish a drawing, something will move just loudly enough to catch her attention and suddenly she has enough inspiration to draw the way the flowers look next to Dina’s boots, especially when a bright blue butterfly lands on the petals. One time, she was cooking and ran outside because a lamb got out of the pasture. She completely forgot she’d left the stove on and sprinted back to what she was sure would be a burning house but everything was fine— the stove off and cold when she touched it.

Dina’s had similar experiences and JJ is known to babble at one corner of the room as if someone were there, entertaining him. But it doesn’t scare either of them. If anything, it’s a comfort to know there’s someone else protecting them and their son from unseen forces. They make silly guesses as to who it is haunting their home— Lord knows the amount of ghosts between them is innumerable— but there’s an unspoken agreement that they both know who it is.

Sometimes she thinks she sees him out of the corner of her eye like he’s just lingering there but when she turns to look, he’s gone. Sometimes she gets a whiff of leather and coffee and she has to grab the back of a chair until the unexpected tears pass. Sometimes she talks to him just because it’s the only way to express her grief that doesn’t make her want to scream and tear her hair out and sometimes when she’s talking to him, she swears she can feel a heavy, familiar hand on her shoulder.

She thinks about telling him to go, that she’s okay and doesn’t need him to watch over her anymore, but every time she tries, she falls short. Because the truth is, she does still need him. The truth is, she’s still a little girl wanting someone to rely on and give her fears and worries to and he was that person. He was the closest thing she ever had left of a parent and she was the closest thing he ever had left of a child. They were broken together. Maybe they still are.

Sometimes Ellie thinks her house is haunted but it doesn’t scare her. She knows there are much scarier things in this world than her father.

[marble-cake]

I was thinking about youtube horror series and what makes them scary vs less so, and one thing that stands out to me as making your series' monster less scary is giving them lore or a well thought out backstory.

Like in mh's case, we get a tiny bit of operator lore (that being that it appeared to Tim early on in childhood), but we don't get any more explanation than that. No characters searching up the operator online or mythos. Alex has a tiny ramble about a scary story in the middle of the woods that might not have anything to do with the operator at all.

As opposed to a series like Chainmail Chasers (which I ADORE), where we get a huge amount of lore about angels and memetic demons and such. It makes the main monster in the series less scary to me, with the tradeoff of making me think about how BADASS it is. I wouldn't say the lore is a detriment to the series as a whole, but is instead a tradeoff of horror vs intrigue.

Also, in mh none of the characters ever say "the operator made me paranoid" or "I lost my memory because of the operator," it's always "I was paranoid" or "Jay changed after whatever happened to him in rosswood". Mh has such a fantastic focus on its characters rather than on the operator, and it grounds the effects of the operator while leaving a lot of the operator's abilities up to the audience's interpretation. Does the operator cause paranoia directly or just by proxy of him being a weird stalker? Did the operator set Jay's old apartment on fire, or was that Masky? Can the operator kill people itself? Is it real?

A lot of horror comes from the fear of the unknown, and I think mh uses that rather expertly with regards to its main monster.

[lanaluthorlang]

Now, I don’t necessarily think that Lexana are that out of character in season six. On the surface at least. With everything the two of them had been through, together and separately, you wouldn’t have to suspend your belief to accept that cracks would begin to show. Those trials could have strengthened their bond, or,they could have brought to the surface any anxieties that might have been lurking in their minds. 

For Lana, this is a new relationship. There’s bound to be doubts or fear that she’s rushing into things. Especially when you take into account everything that happened with Zod possessing Lex. She had to make a choice on the spot to follow him into the unknown. And she did. And once the dust settled she had time to sit and think about what she just got herself into. All her past relationships have either been built on lies, or staying with someone she had fallen out of love with for the sake of the other person’s feelings. 

Nothing new would have ever been easy for someone who’s used to being put on a pedestal until it’s time to discard her and move on. Clana might have had many ups and downs but at the same time, Clark represents a safe place for her to run to when her current situation starts to feel too real or she starts to have second thoughts. Lex might have been her confidant, but Clark had always been her constant, no matter how fragile that base might be.

And there is a version of Lex where his paranoia leads him to do all these awful things. Here is a man that has had every bad thing said about him proven to be true in the eyes of the people he cared for most, and as a result been rejected and abandoned. Who’d been lied to and deceived countless times over. There is a world were his fear of losing Lana, the one person he has left, leads him to going to extremes to keep her in his life. And with this being a sci-fi show, a fake pregnancy or a little cloning wouldn’t be out of the question. I think that’s what this season was going for, but the writing was so cold and detached that we couldn't connect with Lex’s reasoning. 

Also, obviously manipulating situations to keep your partner is wrong in any circumstance, but the point is that they could have given Lex a very human motivation and they didn’t. They wrote a mentally ill character and never followed through in a way that mattered. 

The biggest change in their dynamic this season is the absence of their communication. Y’know, the very foundation their relationship was built upon. I could buy Lex lying to Lana about his secret projects. I could buy Lana hiding her resurfacing feelings for Clark from Lex. I could even buy the clones and the fake pregnancy. But Lana wouldn’t have been afraid to push Lex until he told her the truth. She wouldn’t have been afraid to vent to him about her fears, her feelings, or her insecurities. Lex has had a habit from day one from hiding the truth until it blows up in his face (secret Clark room anyone?) but he wouldn’t have so coldly brushed aside those massive breaches of trust. 

You could make the argument that every single thing Lex did to and for Lana in the previous seasons was leading to him trapping her in this abusive marriage, but quite frankly, I don’t think the Smallville writers were smart enough to plan long term like that. I still respect that reading, but, as with a lot of things, our perception of these characters changes how we perceive their interactions with others and how we read their overall narrative. This entire breakdown is soaked in my bias, but it’s still how I see the show at the end of the day. 

Because I don’t see the Lex from the first half of the show as a scheming mastermind. You can have Lex be the big scary villain all you want, but you can’t go from one season where he’s clearly shown to have empathy and understanding to having him be a volatile gaslighter in the next with no signs leading to that point. As for Lana, I could buy this relationship being an act of rebellion on her part. After all, Clana was the dying star that this show revolved around for eight seasons. Still, it’s a disservice to her character to tie her to a ship we all know is sinking.  

Tldr: the foundations of the Lexana divide is in character for both of Lex and Lana’s traumas, but the execution of how they deal with it, and the framing of Lex as the shallow villain and Lana as the silent victim makes the entire storyline feel cheap and poorly written.

[cr1ms0nesp3ra-ac3]

Part 3: DAY 03

( Sleep Token Lyric Challenge by @a-s-levynn )

This ain't gonna be art for now..

yet.

But instead! An oc's sibling angst oneshot,but before you must start.. warnings ↓

{ TW/TRIGGER WARNINGS:

Implied kidnapping

Mentions of Dysfunctional Family and Implied Abuse(such as either mental, emotional and physical.)

Mentions of Death ( which includes characters who are my ocs, also um parent death. )

Implied Panic Attacks

Mentions of Nightmares

Styles of Anxiety and Paranoia

And Mental Heath mentioned.}

( Btw, just to let you know that this is only my oc lore and my interpretation canon lore to ST, and no this is not canon in real life that they will be having a new band member. I just had to clarify just in case fore' I had to block someone who had said it. )

That will be a first POV of this lore I will be working btw.. and with that!

Let us begin..

an Ascensionism inspired angst oneshot.

Undercut: ↓

[ August 3, 2023 took place of-

Las Vegas, the REDACTED Residence on a streetown. ]

There is no way, no way that the brother that I always love..

now went missing.

I can't be all alone! NOT LIKE THIS!!

Not without my brother like that!! How am I supposed to keep on waiting since he told me that secret?!

...But none of that matters anyway, my sisters were still nicer to me.. though I- can notice that they felt tired.

I see why..

All was starting with worry when Jasmine tried to call Ace, over and over again but there is no response.

Til now.. Hell broke loose when She and Nora began to argue outside of my room during 8:14 PM after Nora returned from working at Starbucks.. I didn't like that, when I began to just hearing that Ace haven't responded her calls.

I didn't believe her at first.. til I tried calling him too.

No responses.

Yet it's the same thing when I tried and tried again. But again, all nothing but silence.

Now I feel scared, scared if my brother was either snatched by someone, or is it because he was busy? But what I am now officially dealing with is that.. well—

I didn't want the broken family we used to had unto from return, Jasmine began to feel tired, feel workaholic, and yet anger is inside because she'll do what it takes to find Ace.. She now works for the detective after she had to quit her job for being a gardener, but Nora and I were worried, but we also didn't want to interrupt her.. and so, we had no choice.

We had to leave her and move somewhere so that she won't hurt us again.

Like our own mother and grandfather from before.

I remember Father and Auntie trying to protect us from them, not until they died from a terrible accident.. yet we're the only three left, the Siblings.

[ August 8, 2023, 10:38 PM.. 4 weeks later after. ]

My own sense of anxiety and paranoia began to spread as I was just lying still on my bed, staring at the celling from midnight. Reflecting it like a shadow shuddering behind the celling fan.. and yet I was shaking from only fear. Because of fear, only just fear and nothing else.

I can't help but feel nothing as a fragile doll, but I don't want them to know..

...There was a nightmare I had, 3 weeks ago at 11:11 PM.

I didn't even want to mention it but it was so scary... Scary but at first, me and Ace were just playing around at the neighborhood, I didn't realize that something happened. Then I stopped, in confusion.. and now scared, as I just saw my brother being held from blue strings, for me, I was forced to watch him get dragged away by... those 5 red eyes.

Yes, those 5 red eyes... I'm not sure what that was. But it scared me.

I was supposed to run up to my brother, reaching him, trying to save him from whatever is trying to get him.

But darkness nor light either tried to stop me, as I got greeted by an...archangel entity–like demi-god, it looked like a woman but not like that in my own eyes.

This demi-god I first saw has 5 eyes, white silvered skin, glowing red color, 3 wings, a black veil dressed and dried dark brown medium-like hair, while staring at my brother who is now in strings like a puppet doll. There was someone controlling him..

I was too frozen when staring at...whoever is hunting my dreams, the expression was blank, blank at first but there is a smile to the lips.. she slowly placed a finger on her lips to keep me quiet, I don't know what to do now but to nod despite my paranoia and fear beginning to rise up.

Then she proceeded to leave like a floating angel, when I tried to get up and shouted at my brother's name to make him "respond"..

I now woke up, shaking and shivering what I just witness.

It was someone, someone who was actually the one who took my brother away from me. And yet I...hated that nightmare. I really do.

Then weeks later, I always pretended that everything is okay to my sister Nora, she was suspicious at first but she always just shrugged and just..let that slide, thank god.

I was this lucky enough that I began to had an panic attack when I was home alone, lucky me didn't have the security cameras at our new home.. Wonder how Jasmine is okay but who knows...

I feel she is no longer the first older sister I loved now. She has changed.

But what that reminds me... Ace is a journalist, he is trying to research about that "Sleep" God he tells me and my sisters' stories about. Every now and then.

Until realization hits me...

Did it just..

.....Was it the one who took Ace?

..Did it, or she actually did?

Or is just my anxiety trying and making me feel delusional?

And yet I hate it.

I hated it so much that I can't help but cry quietly and softly in fear and anxiety mixing together from my brain and body, I tend to cover it with under my own pillow and my blanket.

This is really all my fault for keeping a lot of secrets, it must have been. Because before the week he went missing, he told me about something of him wanting to be a new bandmate of that band we all loved.

I just wish I could stay with Ace.

I just wish I couldn't keep his secrets but I just can't do it, ..bitter consequences will hit me if I say the truth to the ones I know.

This will be the bitter deception I will be forced to live on for now. And it cannot make me feel safe. Nor to set me free from the tragic and sadness that I've been through.

....But maybe.... just— m-maybe..

If you are really safe for me, or you feel comfort for being safe to whoever snatched you, dear brother..

Will you come home?

[historia-vitae-magistras]

I'm so late for this but, how does Matthew scare Alfred with his Catholicness? My own personal experience is just seeing an altar at my friend's devoted Catholic household 😭

So this is a very large and very complicated topic but I'm giving it a go. It's something that's mostly historical, a good chunk of the US is Catholic now but even 100 years ago that was a lot more controversial and 200 years ago unthinkable

Catholic Canada to the north, Catholic Mexico to the south. Early British colonists feared encirclement. This is the period in Americans history where colonists hadn't yet made it across the Appalachians and New France technically does surround it, it's just not settled.

Early American colonists, especially extremists in New England who later became WASPs were regularly raided by French Canadian settlers or First Nations groups aligned with France. Those settlers were often hauled to Quebec City to be ransomed if they were important, often in retaliation for the British seizing French ships which could easily cause food shortages in Canada. I wrote this happening to Alfred once and Matt bailed his ass out. It was probably the first time Matt disobeyed Francis actually. Also racism, because the French had much higher intermarriage rates with First Nations than the British though rather lower than the Spanish.

The British in America framed the world as Britishness and protestantism against French Catholicism. The perpetual wars between France and England, The war of Three Kingdoms or the English Civil War resulted from religious strife and other factors. Puritan paranoia was fueled by the proximity to Catholic Canada. Alfred's own overly adorable eldritch strangeness that lead to his turn doing the witchcraft conga might have been fueled in a small part by too much contact with Matthew as it was very common for less whacko New Englanders to trade and interact with French Catholics on the frontier. Religious strife was very much a source of pain and trauma for Alfred. Later, The Quebec Act of 1774 which was very generous to the French settlers the British had conquered a decade earlier because they ran out of money to do anymore ethnic cleansing like they did to the Acadians. This was one of the intolerable Acts that led to the American Revolution. It was quite literally allowing the antichrist to live on their northern border. Alfred is just really uncomfortable Arthur isn't forcibly dunking Matt at least into the Church of England. He loves Matt and I can see him being one of those weirdos who go "I fear for your immortal soul burning in the hell of the heretics" earlier in life.

But protestants to this day will call Catholic apostates (I'm technically a Catholic and was called this last year) the pope is the anti-Christ, yadda yadda. This is pretty much a non-issue for Matt now, except he gives Alfred shit like "Still having nightmares about stained glass and joy?"

The Irish had more problems than French Canada ever did, largely because of the French Catholic help the Americans got in their Revolution. But it was still a very real factor of discrimination against Irish and Italian Americans, and still is today for Hispanic Americans and Filipino-Americans especially. French Catholic Canada was scary because French Catholic Canada was armed. The Canada of history, especially for New England was a shadowy entity that stalked settlers in the woods and hunted them, raided them, killed and terrified them. That is not the case today, to put it mildly. Alfred's image of his brother is very selective. Cute broken baby he was when he was conquered, sweet and snuggly baby with too big blue eyes. Alfred is powerful now, he doesn't like to think about when he wasn't and Matt didn't automatically come second. And he loves Matt dearly so letting the religious trauma of their childhood become a thing Matt gives him shit about and Alfred rolls his eyes at was the more appealing offer.

[muffinninjafairy]

BPD : “Derealization / Dissociation" my personal experience.

Derealization can be a scary thing and it is a thing I still struggle with today. one moment all is well, the next you don't even know what's real.

Derealization is a mental state where you feel detached from your surroundings. People and objects around you may seem unreal. Even so, you're aware that this altered state isn't normal.

The analogy that would use in my therapy was "Feeling like I am watching a tv show, I'm seeing all these things occur and just watching it happen"

For myself it comes in and out like phases. One moment I will be lucid, the next moment I'm in a state of internal paranoia because I can't tell if something is actually happening to me. It gets to points in my life where I forget I exist. Like I'm going to snap out of a coma and everything that has happened was not real.

At other times it can cause me to have "time blindness" where I will blip out and its already the end of the day. I can still function but to put it simply, I forget what I was doing or question if I actually did those thing.

It happens when I also have extreme emotions, mostly when I am in a depressive state . My mind will "turn off" and I will just go numb till the emotion subsides in myself and I return to normal.

To help my self with these moments, I use my senses . In a form of grounding I will use touch, smell, hear, and taste. Tell myself what the texture is I'm feeling, what am I smelling, focus in on a sound or voice. and if food is around taste that or drink super cold ice water to shock myself back.

at work I always have an earbud in playing a long podcast. when I'm getting overwhelmed or losing myself I focus on the podcast and what they are saying. reminding myself that the sound I'm hearing is there and I am here. When I am at home with my partner, when I am close or next to them, I place a hand on them as my "signal" and they provide support and comfort to help.

Having BPD is a struggle, it can cause a lot of pain and confusion. but it gets better, with the right professional help and support system things can be easier. And struggling is normal, not everything is going to be smooth sailing. But recognizing that you are struggling and want to fix it is the first and most important step to the path of healing.

[unnervinglyferal]

I got a brain injury in 2017 and I’m only now getting it looked at because the hospital diagnosed me with a “minor concussion” and gave me a single day off school and sent me on my way (incompetent fucks). I was unable to stay awake for more than a couple hours a day for several weeks and of those weeks, I have a lot of gaps in my memory. I had just gotten out of an abusive home and I wasn’t in any place to advocate for myself in the nightmare that is the American healthcare system, so that was just sorta that.

I knew SOMETHING happened because once I was well enough to stand and think snd do stuff, I was a VERY different person. I used to be very high energy all the time, massive extrovert, ready to talk to anyone all the time. And then suddenly I didn’t. I was tired a lot. Suddenly I had to deal with crippling anxiety and agoraphobia and paranoia and a bunch of other Issues(tm) both physical and mental.

It wasn’t till I met someone who used to work with Traumatic Brain Injury patients, that I realized it might be useful to get that shit looked at now. But I still didn’t really want to, because going to a doctor might make it real. It meant I’d have to admit that I actually had a serious injury instead of just pretending I had a “minor concussion”. It wasn’t till I saw your blog and read your posts and you talking about your own brain injury that I was willing to start talking to doctors and make it real so to speak.

You humanized it in a way that I very much needed. “brain injury” isn’t a spooky scary thing on tv and in movies, its just something Feral deals with. And Feral deals with a lot of shit.

People have really specific ideas about what "brain damage" means. They hear the words and immediately think you got bonked in the head and now you're some dangerous unhinged lunatic that can't be trusted not to kill for no reason, or a complete vegetable that just sits and drools.

I don't tell people that I have it firsthand, I'll just explain it when I absolutely need to. Then I can just explain that I don't see properly on my left side, or that I can get lost indoors in a 3-room apartment. People apparently tend to go "oh, I couldn't even tell" like it's a surprise that someone with an injury on the brain could just be someone normal.

People with brain injuries are just normal people, but with a brain injury.

[schizosupport]

hey, i'm not sure if this is the right place to ask but you talked about like... people who aren't sure if their experiences are full-blown psychosis. i'm looking into symptoms i have (i've taken to calling it paranoia disease because it sounds funny and makes it feel easier to talk abt) and it's very difficult for me to like figure out what i'm looking for. my health providers keep asking me what i'm looking for, anyway, but all i know is that i have these really anxiety-inducing spirals where i believe people hate me and want to ruin my life. & generally when i do tell them what i'm looking for, like that one time i told my provider i thought i might be autistic, i get flat-out rejected (seven years later the joke's on you, nicholas, but thanks for making support really difficult for me the entire time)

(cw for details)

last december i spent an entire month deleting old accounts & changing passwords & usernames & deleting personal information because i was completely convinced i was going to be doxxed even though there hadnt really been an inciting incident. before then i've had entire months+ where i couldn't think about anything but how my friends could ruin my life if they wanted to. & the worst part is it's resulted in me isolating myself from my friends & eventually cutting them off because being around them was making it worse (& it keeps trying to happen again)

it's hard to understand exactly what this kind of thinking is too because i've had trauma where people i believed to be friends or close friends of mine ruined my social life & ripped my friend groups away. i talked to a therapist about it before but usually i just got asked 'what can they realistically do to you?' & it frustrated me so bad because the answer was everything. and the more she asked that the more things i could come up with that they could do and the worse my anxiety/paranoia/whatever got.

(// end of details)

i'm autistic too & i've been scrolling through your blog a little and it was kind of cool to see the overlap between the two but also kind of scary because i already struggle with being taken seriously as an adult (even though i'm technically low-needs) & i feel like psychosis-type diagnoses (if that's the right name) could really hurt my right to my autonomy. i struggle with a lot of day-to-day stuff already but i want to have the opportunity to struggle & fall back on a safety net, not get trapped in one.

this is really long sorry. i'm just trying to figure this all out but it's scary and difficult. 🍒

Hi there,

It definitely sounds like you're struggling with paranoia - that can be a result of trauma, definitely, and it can be that you have "the tendency" - often that comes with a diagnosis on the schizo- or psychosis spectrum, but it's also worth noting that autism is often associated with a lower threshold for psychotic and psychotic adjacent experiences.

I think your therapist did a terrible job responding to your worries about your friends - whether trauma hyper vigilance or delusion, prompting you into a position where you have to argue for why this is actually a danger/how it could happen, just isn't really helpful. Especially when it's based on real experiences you've had.

I don't want to mirror the professionals who ask you what you are "looking for" too much - but I think it still might be helpful to give some thought to the question on your own, outside their influence, so you don't get put on the spot.

I guess the options for what you might be looking for could be

- professional validation that this is a psychotic symptom

- a diagnosis to reflect it

- therapy to address it (from a therapist who knows how)

- medication to address it

And if you want any of these things, then it might be worth it to bring it up with your providers, and try to be strategic depending on what exactly you are trying to accomplish. And likewise, if you don't desire any of those things, then it might be that the professionals in your life don't have much to offer, and then you can decide to which degree it's still worth it for you to discuss these experiences with them.

I definitely think that it MIGHT be helpful to you to talk to a therapist about these things IF it was someone who was actually competent at dealing with this type of thing. Unfortunately a lot of therapists aren't very well-versed in how to deal with psychotic and psychotic-adjacent symptoms, so it can be a hassle to find the right fit. :/

In any case I wish you all the best! This definitely sounds difficult to deal with, and like it's having a bad impact on your life.

[jehans]

okay so look, one of my favorite tv shows of all time is The Flash, i have that shit on repeat frequently and a lot of the time i restart it as soon as i finish it or i'll wait like three months and then watch it again. it's fun and corny and earnest and great, and there's a storyline or two that are absolute nonsense, but i love it anyway and the ending payed off so well for me. it's pretty much my main comfort show. but so far, it's the only Arrowverse show i've actually watched all the way through, right? like, i've seen all the crossovers but really not interested in watching Arrow from start to finish and i've never really gotten around to Legends or Batwoman or anything. i watched most of the first season of Superman & Lois but then forgot to finish it.

WELL i'm finally watching Supergirl and i really like it a lot! Kara was always my favorite crossover character while watching The Flash so watching her show has been a delight. and then i got to s01e16 "Falling" and it hit me like a train how fucking GOOD that episode is as a metaphor for mental illness holy shit. especially when Kara comes back to herself and has to deal with the fallout from everything that evil!Kara said and did.

[spoilers for an 8 year old episode from here.]

the scene when she's talking to Cat on the balcony and says that she knows it wasn't exactly her fault and her brain was altered, but that it brought something inside of her out that was horrible and scared people and now she's afraid she's never going to win people back was just...so real? also, the scene when she woke up and felt horrified at what she'd done and described it as terrifying. when you deal with mood-altering mental illness, sometimes you find yourself doing things that don't feel like you, whether that's a deep-down part of you in the moment, or how you feel once you're more yourself, but that you know have hurt people or changed their perspective of you, and that's so scary. to know that that can happen to you. and to know that it might not be entirely your fault, but you're still the one who's going to have to fix it once you're you again. that you're still responsible even if you're not completely to blame.

and i loved Cat's response about it not being easy, but also not being impossible, and how she personally doesn't believe in failure, "as long as you get back up and face the music."

just. what a wonderful message to those of us who struggle with any mental illness that causes bouts of depression, mania, delusion, paranoia, anything. how real and complicated it is, and how hopeful.

and to have Kara, the epitome of what is good and wholesome and optimistic, struggle with this. the message that sends to me, personally, about how your struggles do not make you a bad person, but facing the music, taking responsibility and building back that trust — that means more. just. ugh. it's good.

also, i'm not even reaching to make this a metaphor, it's clear from the text that this was INTENDED because of the scene where Cat says that Supergirl is having some kind of mental break and offers to get her an emergency appointment with her psychiatric provider for some lexapro. it's said in that semi-tongue-and-cheek way that Cat says things, but it's also clearly a genuine sentiment from her.

[bandofchimeras]

okay a longish deepdive about PDs & Succession.

CONTAINS SPOILERS

some people leave no space for curiosity. no interest in other's inner worlds and constant projections of self into quieter people's energetic life, leaves those other people exhausted and unable to develop a real desire to get to know more.

I can be like this, at my most defensive and manic.

But being around other people like this for years has worked like sandpaper on me. Because if you both project yourselves at the other person with the same intensity the friction starts to escalate. Or you build on one another until sometimes you start sharing a psychosis. So to keep the peace you can try to be agreeable, validating, and listen as much as you can.

However soon the whole thing drains you and you realize you're being talked at, performed for, that this is not a relationship of equals, you have become an audience to the self-performance of this person, and your criticism or praise is largely irrelevant except insofar as they take it as helpful feedback for self development.

I do suppose this is the kind of person you could describe as a narcissist. But understanding the wounds, anxiety and beliefs at the core of this problem from having been In It for a long time, I don't feel like that label does justice to what is happening in relationship. Personality disorders exist mostly in the presence of other people. In early remission, people with BPD will share in forums how they feel okay now, so long as they are alone. other people trigger the defensive formations of the self that comprise the "disorder."

People who do this often are highly anxious and traumatized. The fear at the core of it is somatic. It is fear of being erased, silenced, destroyed, or fear of one's own power, of the shadow...many things but what runs the whole thing is fear, paranoia, distrust.

That's what struck me most about forums for people w NPD. most threads were talking about trust, of God, of the universe, of other people. The lack of it.

I think the pathologization of these personality formations has had net negative results but also aided us all in understanding a bit more how not to get lost in sick people's dreams and control.

Narcissism & personality disorders aren't scary crazy unreal spectacle things all the time. They're human suffering from spiritual misunderstanding and emotional damage or neglect. In fact I think entitled narcissism comes from neglect of emotional guidance (teaching limits, boundaries, respect, fairness) and wounded/defensive narcissism comes from abuse (berating, controlling, wounding child's self image, emotional manipulation, etc). And so they manifest a bit differently.

But I digress - because narcissistic people aren't just fun blorbo bugs to study under a microscope. A lot of people who do good in the world are still impossible to get to know and love on an intimate level out of glitches and destruction in the formation of their person good.

Succession, as a show, handles the interlinking clusterfuck of dysfunctionality that leads to these disorders by putting the characters psychosexual motivations on full display - it's one of the best written shows I've encountered yet, for character studies. I joked that I was "downloading Roman Roy's personality to become insufferable."

In particular his form of psychopathy compelled me the most because he clearly understands more than many people around him, he's just abnegated his own power to the point he is essentially neutered, castrated, helpless before the will of his father or the almighty dollar. However he still pays attention sometimes, listens. Unlike Kendall's manic depressive swinging that passes through reality entirely into constructed ideas of who he could be and what he could do, Roman knows what they are, what he is, even though he hates himself, and does not actually care about the harm the family causes....or does he? In some way he copes with extreme guilt.

The thing about Kendall that's tragic is he does, sometimes, try so hard. But he's trying. He never does it, not really. He doesn't connect with the lower class people he hangs out with. He thinks he does. But he never stops to check in, to really listen.

That's why he becomes most like his father in the megalomania, the abusive manipulation, the paranoia, the entitlement. He never gets checked all the way. Until, *SPOILER ALERT*

his siblings do it. What a poetic resolve.

My point is, studying the blorbos of the Roy family et al provided me some real insight into my own dysfunctional family, people I know and attract into my life, and gave me much food for thought about yes men, complicity and what it means to have a spine.

Yes men win, in the end, but they have to sell their souls so completely you can almost watch the personhood leave their eyes.

A refusal to intervene or accept responsibility for choices...what the Roy siblings demonstrate over and over no matter how many times they try to make things work, is what happens when the fundamental core of a person is neglected and trampled on. They refuse to take responsibility for themselves, their own personhood and choices.

Kendall blames systems and his family. He ignores his own obligations and failings by trying to take down or own the family legacy. He's a mercenary, out for hire. He wants to care but does not have the mechanism of accountability installed in him. He hides his crimes like a child hiding an ice cream spoon from a controlling parent (and God do I relate).

Roman blames himself, or no one. For him it's all a tragedy and a farce, he is the sharp tongued commentator. He gets what he wants no matter what other people say or do, or tries to. His awareness of how little self respect he carries himself with is...questionable.

Shiv does not show who she blames. She plays as if she is smarter than she is, because she wants respect from men who will never, ever, give it to her. She thinks she can get it. Or tolerate enough to get something. Shiv almost gets it but her controlling and undermining of her brothers is a very older sister undoing. She tries to square with people, her father, Matsson, even Tom. But because she is lying to herself and everyone about what she wants, nothing ever sticks.

Connor gets it right on the nose calling all his siblings love hungry. He knows, he says himself he has learned to survive without love. He knows he and his family are pathetic. He still puts on a show. Maybe he half believes his own show. He fakes everything to the and demonstrate his worth but under that knows it's a lie. Willa, presidency, all of it is a show to get people in his camp, to scrape up some kind of approval in lieu of genuine affection. As his outburst and praise at the gala demonstrates, whether or not he wants anything to do with you depends on your performance/to him/.

It's all ratings, baby, especially for the males of the Roy family. For the women it's proximity to power.

Anyways Kendall does call his father out as a grandoise psychopathic narcissist so there's that. But my point is that personality disorders are disorders of relationship, and individualizing Logan Roy's particular "pathogen" as Gerri calls it, distracts from the larger picture, the picture*SPOILER* Ewan tries at the funeral to convey with grace:

"my brother brought out a meanness in men."

The meanness is already there, in all of us. Ewan admits it's in him, too, but he still tries. Some people stop trying.

That part hit me hard. Because I think over the show you can track when Kendall stops trying. He almost gets it, that "the poison drips down" - it's not trickle down economics, it's a IV drip of toxins being fed into the veins of ATN viewers.

My thesis here is not very mindblowing: American political culture disorders our personalities. It is built off personality disorders.

No one in this show or in it's real life counterparts, are really happy. The only happy moments we see with the Roys...maybe "a meal fit for a king"? Goofing around together. Even in that, they are still being cruel, but their target is a shared outer target.

I loved those scenes, brief as they were, where the siblings were a united front against the big bad world, with their plans and their cool sunglasses and planes - you almost root for them. Almost. And then - the truth breaks it all to pieces, again.

The truth of who they are: not serious people.

Serious people, they think, watching their father do shit, do shit. Serious people own stuff and lord it over others. They don't remember the work their father did put in, the soul he sacrificed, to get to the top, they don't connect the dots of all the people working for them silently in the background at all times, how those people make the world go round, even if they feel like THEY do.

Being a serious person, finding joy, is accessible to every human being in the right context - the context to discover a purpose, a love, a passion - to stop merely taking and believe something good can come out of your self. The show is a tragedy not because wahhh poor rich people, it's a tragedy because it reflects a deep contortion in our own shredded social fabric.

I could say so much more but I have to go pack and make a tart and do laundry. If you read this to the end, thanks for stickin with it!

[denimbex1986]

'Since its return to the BBC last week and global streaming debut on Disney+, Doctor Who has taken over Saturday nights for their three 60th Anniversary Specials featuring the fantastic David Tennant and Catherine Tate as the Fourteenth Doctor and Donna Noble respectively, with this Saturday (Dec 2nd) being home to the second special, Wild Blue Yonder.

With the Fourteenth Doctor, played by David Tennant who also helmed the title of the Tenth Doctor, back once more with an adventure with long-time companion Donna Noble (Catherine Tate), we finally get to see what happens following the first special, The Star Beast...

ANOTHER ADVENTURE AWAITS IN WILD BLUE YONDER

Following the Fourteenth Doctor’s shiny new TARDIS malfunctioning from a slip of coffee, the pair find themselves onboard a spaceship with nobody around except themselves, literally. The TARDIS plus the new and improved Sonic Screwdriver teleport out of this situation, all because the Doctor had enabled ‘Hostile Action Displacement System’ on the TARDIS, meaning it’d only return once the TARDIS is no longer threatened. On top of that is a rusty robot moving ever-so-slowly. What follows is a Doctor Who story that dives deep into paranoia, trust, and offers a mindboggling episode of television.

The episode doesn’t immediately begin with our beloved Doctor and Donna onboard this people-deserted spaceship first, however, as the special starts off with a historical spin in 1666 with Isaac Newton yet to formulate the laws of gravity. Newton, played by Nathaniel Curtis (that of It’s a Sin fame, a miniseries also written by Russel T Davies), is bewildered by the Doctor and Companion who drop an all too on-the-nose joke despite the gravity of the situation. Get what I did there? Anyways, turns out the no-to-so-Sir-yet Isaac Newton misremembers this “delightful” word as ‘mavity’.

A hilarious exchange between Donna and the Doctor with Isaac Newton leads to the unintentional renaming of gravity as ‘mavity’ in the Whoniverse, a fun temporal paradox which persists throughout the special with every mention of the should-be gravity now replaced with ‘mavity’. Oh Russell T Davies, you funny man.

Yes, gravity in the Whoniverse is now (or technically, always has been) called ‘mavity’. Donna and Doctor have intentionally (and by now, unknowingly) renamed Sir Isaac Newton’s word for gravity for all of time and space. This temporal paradox is downplayed for a bit of humour, and that is especially what was needed following the appearance of this episode’s pair of shape-shifting antagonists – the ‘not-things’.

ALL ABOARD… OH WAIT?

David Tennant described this special as “unlike any Doctor Who episode ever” with Empire, and he sure was right. This special features almost-identical renditions of the Doctor and Donna who have been stranded in this spaceship for years. To have our brilliant duo run around to find that they’re now chasing themselves was quite the twist.

But these ‘not-things’ aren’t perfect in recreation. Their arms get too long, or they forget how many knees are in a human leg. Sure, they can remember memories but they can’t hold themselves together brilliantly. This flaw marked for some fun interactions in which the Doctor and Donna Noble had to truly quiz each other, and make sure the one they’re speaking to is the real deal. This is Doctor Who’s version of The Thing, except we’re in space with a cutesy but oh-so-slow robot on board.

It’s fun seeing how the special handled this fear factor throughout the almost hour-long runtime. While the show is of course for everyone, we’ve all seen how scary they can make it. In fact, I’d say this is the scariest story we’ve seen from the show since 2008’s The Waters of Mars. Those flood-infected humans still give me the heebie jeebies.

Alongside seeing the Doctor and Donna riding in a fun hover-car, reminiscent of their time in a frankly chaotic segment of 2006’s The Runaway Bride, the show continues to show off its flashy new budget. Wild Blue Yonder‘s spaceship feels never-ending, and beautiful to look at, and the VFX used on the shape-shifting pair resembling Donna and Doctor was eery in all the good ways.

As the special unfolds, it becomes clear that those who fought these ‘not-things’ before were only able to abandon these not-things inside in the slowly-to-be-exploded spaceship at the furthest edge of the universe, with the cost of the crew and particularly the captain’s lives in the cold vacuum of space to make sure this happens. This is why the cute but pretty much non-existent rusty robot they find (cutely dubbed Jimbo) is that slow and why Doctor and Donna believed themselves to be all alone at the beginning. These shapeshifting beings use fear to their advantage, and making the ship slowly self-destruct was the best way to make sure they’re gone for good.

SELF-DESTRUCTION IS THE ONLY WAY OUT

After accelerating the countdown, the pair run back to the newly arrived and recovered TARDIS, with the Doctor managing to rescue Donna once more. Until we release seconds later that this isn’t Donna, it’s the other no-thing Donna. This speculator and jaw-dropping moment truly highlighted just how much this episode was rooted in its acting as well as the story. I mean, how can you mistake an almost 99.9% duplicate of the person? I definitely can’t, but the Doctor did. He managed to cast out the fake in almost seconds, and was reunited with the real Donna in the TARDIS towards the end of the special.

While the story certainly hinged on the electric chemistry of David Tennant’s Fourteenth Doctor & Catherine Tate’s Donna Noble, it still marked a fantastic new edition to the return of Doctor Who. Just with the previous special, however, not everything is as wrapped up as you’d expect. Returning back to Earth to reunite with Donna’s family, the pair arrive a “day or two out” than when they originally left, and are instead greeted with the return of Donna’s grandfather, Wilfred Mott, played by the late and dearly missed Bernard Cribbins.

This lovely reunion is left bittersweet, however, with the world “going mad” as Wilfred fearfully warns his the Doctor and Donna. Fights break out, the London public in mass hysteria, and a plane flies low ready to crash. This isn’t Lost, but it will be all explored in the last 60th Anniversary Special landing next Saturday.

With Wild Blue Yonder wrapped up, it should be noted just how much speculation was behind this second 60th Anniversary special. The minimal advertising and lack of advance story elements and teases for this special led to lots of discussions about what it could all be about, and frankly, this certainly paid off for the episode. Sure, there weren’t any returning actors or monsters, but we did have a special like no other which also commented on concepts and topics added to the Whoniverse by the previous showrunner, Chris Chibnall.

During the Jodie Whittaker era, the Doctor’s backstory was added to, particularly with their not-so-born-on-Gallifrey understanding. This is further cemented in this special, which may have fans being a bit disappointed following the mixed reception that the new canon element had back in its 2020 episode’s reveal, The Timeless Children.

IT’S NOT OVER JUST YET FOR DONNA & DOCTOR AFTER WILD BLUE YONDER…

What’s to come, however, is sure to be more exciting for Whovians! Up next for the last special, called The Giggle, is the Doctor facing up against Neil Patrick Harris’ The Toymaker. Not to mention, if trailers are to go by, the return of Jemma Redgrave as UNIT’s Kate Stewart.

It’s sad to see the Fourteenth Doctor’s last special broadcasting next Saturday, but given how fantastic his last two adventures with Donna Noble have been, it looks like the end of the world will make for a great conclusion for this short-lived Doctor.'

[subjectseventeen]

Hi, it's me again 😊

So, all definitions I read online are about "big" delusions. Government watching you, parents being replaced, something like that. But for me (idk if that counts as delusion) it is that I, for example, can't sleep with my wardrobe doors open because I'll wake up every few minutes to check, if some monster is inside them. I rationally know it's bs. But especially when I am tired or just woken up, rationally isn't my strength. And your example sounded a bit like that so, idk how much creative freedom you took, when you wrote it.

Another thing I have is (this only happens in very stressful times), when I open the bathroom door at night (always the bath and even in other ppls appartments) I expect someone standing in front of it and, either looking creepy or attacking me. Again, rationally I know it is bs (which is why I can leave the bathroom) but no matter how many times I wasn't attacked when leaving the bathroom (all of them) I still have this expectation.

I usually describe it as, what ppl feel right after watching a horror movie. They might expect the monster from it behind every corner, although they know it doesn't exist.

So yeah, what are your thoughts about that?

i see now what you mean! yeah, a lot of delusions described on websites and stuff are usually delusions that seem huge to people outside of that delusional reality. bizarre delusions that seem hard to accept as real

i could consider this delusional awareness where you have this very vivid image in your mind that you are convinced will appear behind this door. or it could be described as simply paranoia or intrusive thoughts. it depends! do you truly believe that one day something Will get you from that wardrobe, or are you simply thinking about the possibility and checking to wipe that thought from your mind.

it depends how deep the thought goes. delusions are heavily impactful and deep with twisted roots that continue to sprout more and more delusions. is it a fleeting scary thought that goes away? then you're probably looking at just intrusive thoughts.

i experience the thought of something scary popping up behind the door too. its like my brain goes and says "whats the scariest thing that could be behind that door?" but it goes away once the door is open. i believe this to be an intrusive thought in my case because it doesn't extend farther beyond that.

i hope this answers your questions, but absolutely feel free to keep elaborating if i missed something! and also remember i'm no doctor :3