#this kinda helps me stay focussed

[updownlately]

wips: check marks mean in progress these are in no particular order btw

requests: - leah -> she needs to slow down in life - it's you by ali gatie song req - team fic (awfc) - lucy bronze fic (no idea what i'm writing for this one tbh) - singer!r x leah - bday celebrations x leah - ona x reader (based on a doublecamp song) ✅ - alexia x reader fluff ✅ - r in a poor relationship x alessia - alexia x reader angst song req ✅

other things im writing: - best part of me blurb series (12 of those) ✅ - alessia x reader sick fic ✅ - alessia x reader fic based off the song 'hey stupid ily' ✅ - alessia x reader christmas blurb ✅ - leah x reader fic based off a fletcher song ✅ - steph catley x reader angst blurb ✅

unfinished ideas i could continue if there's interest: - alessia x reader (5 times and 1 about falling asleep) - moth to a flame ideas - 3 fics for the black and white universe - alessia x r fic based off the songs lonely city (mokita), london (mokita), and this town (niall) - alexia x r fic based off the song catalonia

overall a shit ton of ideas and at the same time not enough. lmk if y'all would like anything expedited and i can try and do that! in the meantime, prolly gonna focus on the best part of me series, and knocking off reqs :)

[blue-moonjelly]

Listen closely and stay Silent

MINORS DNI

Satan x nonbinary MC (obedience, sub/dom, master/slave, kinda public stuffs)

Authors note: Yeah so I kinda made this on a whim, um, just let me know if you want a part two cause this was already getting long enough as is, but if yall want it enough I'll gladly make a part 2, okay that's it, ENJOY)

“MC” Satan’s voice hummed as he nuzzled his warm cheek against your head, his hands stirring atop your lap as you somehow seemed to curl further into the grasp of him, “you’re so warm” he continued to speak in a hazed tone as he continued to engulf you in his grasp. 

You could only giggle and sigh at his words as you continued to snuggle up with him on the couch under the blanket that retained your shared body heat.

“Hey don’t distract MC” Levi was quick to argue as he focussed on the game you both were currently in the middle of, “you promised that you wouldn't distract them from completing this level with me if I let you stay, so I repeat, do NOT make us lose our progress Satan”.

And while normally Satan would be quick to react to Levi’s half-baked threat and show him what a true threat was, your presence had him under such a trance of serenity that he couldn’t bear to get up from his spot and disturb you both. So he simply muffled a response he had no intention of keeping and continued to settle his head in the crook of your neck, his lips brushing your skin ever so softly that it could have simply been interpreted as a happy accident. 

Though you knew Satan better than to believe that excuse of innocence. 

“Hey Levi,” you said while continuing to click your fingers along the buttons of the controller you held, “I think the controller is starting to bug out a little bit,” you feigned while purposefully clicking the wrong buttons, “it won’t let me follow you into the next chamber.”

“No, no, no” Levi quickly paused the game on his end and ran to his room, you assumed to retrieve some sort of solution to the ‘broken controller’.

“That’s odd,” Satan said while fidgetting with the controller, “It’s working just fine for me right now”

You softly placed two fingers under the demon's chin and turned his gaze to yours, his lips mere inches from your own and already trembling at what you would possibly be doing with them next, “Satan, be quiet, not a sound can come out of you until I say so” you ordered with a soft tone of voice, a clear contradiction to the words that spilled from your lips. 

The order however seemed to be effective, though admittedly you couldn’t quite tell if it was because you were his master or if he was simply pathetic enough to not crave putting up a much of a fight. And while you wished to see right now just how obedient of a pup he could truly be, Levi’s steps and quickly sounded as he breathed heavily and entered the room with a new controller in his grasp, “I- I got the other one” he said between labored breaths as he hunched his body over and held out the controller. 

“Oh, thanks Levi,” you said in a cheery tone, “but I actually was hoping I could get a little break, my eyes are hurting from staring at the screen for too long, do you think Satan could play in my place,” you asked, using a tone of voice and pleading eyes that you knew Levi just couldn’t say no to.

Levi was more than reluctant to the suggestion of adding his brother to the game, but he couldn’t help but melt into your smile and begrudgingly handed Satan the new remote, “you do still know how to play right” he asked while sitting back down on another couch. 

Satan nodded to his brother, and though you could tell Levi questioned his lack of verbal response, you quickly interjected from any further questions being asked by starting the game back up.

A few minutes passed of calm gameplay, Levi was still leading the team perfectly, and Satan was actually doing quite well as an added fighter to the quest. While he wasn’t quite the gamer that Levi was, no one could deny that he was doing a pretty great job at keeping up with the pace. 

“You’re doing so well Satan” you carefully whispered into his left ear as you hooked your fingers along the waistband of his sweatpants, the soft comfy ones you had just bought him last week and adored to see him in, “keep playing pup” you continued to coo into his hear as you ever so slightly scratched at his lower abdomen with your sharp fingernails, the fresh manicure he had just bought you already being put to perfect use. 

Suddenly the controller that sat in his hands began to buzz violently and like clockwork, “SATAN NO” Levi suddenly screamed in agonizing pain, “you need to focus” he continued to yell while fixing his error in the gameplay before he went back to violently playing and rushing his focus to the screen. 

Your lips only curled into a devious smile as you fully snuggled into the warmth of the blanket that you and Satan shared, your hands once again coming to grasp at his waistband and tug ever so gently onto it as you traced a single finger onto his growing erection. “Make sure you’re paying attention pup, Levi will know something’s up if you don’t play” you cooed in his ear while placing a soft kiss on his cheek, “assist him while I take care of you”

Satan could only silently oblige, simply nodding his answer as he gripped at his controller.

You couldn’t help but adore your demon in this state, the demon of wrath a mere puddle in your palm, a higher being whose powers crumbled before your words and actions. Something as simple as a lick to his neck was enough to cause shivers down his back, a little scratch from your manicure could cause his hips to involuntarily buck into your grasp, and just one pull of his waistband could allow his hard erection to spring free and already begin to drip onto your hands. 

“You’re so obedient, albeit a little eager, but you’re listening so carefully” you continued to whisper, releasing a breath of hot air into his ear and using your free hand to tug at his hair, while the other continued to stroke him ever so slowly, enjoying the way he tried so hard to buck into your hands at a faster speed than you were willing to give. 

The sweat on his forehead continued to build up, and the corners of his mouth twitched while he tried so hard to focus on the game and not tip off Levi on what could possibly be happening under this blanket just a mere few feet away from him. But the feelings you were curating just for him were insane, and it wasn’t just the stroking of his cock that drove him to near growls, it was the way you put careful attention to detail in each of his senses. You knew exactly how to put each of his five senses into overdrive, in ways that he hadn’t ever thought to be possible, and yet you somehow discovered and did it all so effortlessly. 

“Satan”

Your whisper of a moan echoed so deeply into his mind that thoughts were no longer coherent, there was only one singular thought that shone brightly into his mind, and that was the image of the endless things you could do to him in privacy. The desire rang so deeply in his brain that without a second thought, he quickly pulled himself out of your grip, pulled his pants back up, tossed the controller to the side, pulled the blanket away from the both of you and carried you into his arms away from the room.

“SATAN WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU” Levi yelled from the top of his lungs while he tried to fight off the sudden swarm of enemies that were coming at him in the game, however as you were being carried away and looked at the screen from over Satan’s shoulder you could see it was to no avail as the words ‘loser’ painted the screen “NOOOOOOOO—”

Levi’s scream echoed through the house and was only muffled once Satan tossed you onto his bed and closed the door, quickly pulling off his shirt and tossing it to the side as he swooped down to your level and began to attack your neck in a flurry of kisses and bites.

And while tingles of pleasure ran across your body, you knew that your demon had disobeyed and for that, he needed to be punished. You lifted your hand and grabbed a full chunk of his hair into your grip and pulled it back hard, “Satan, what do you think you're doing,” he attempted to open his mouth to say something but quickly recalled through his efforts that you had banned him to use his words, “you’ve been a bad pup and bad pups need to be disciplined”.

His eyes were fogged with tears and overwhelming emotions, he swallowed hard as he got down and kneeled in front of you.

You thought it looked humorous, a demon kneeling before you as though you were the only God he could ever respect, especially when you both knew that you were, each word of yours rang like a hymn. His fingers twitched at his sides as the urge to touch your skin gnawed at him, but he stayed still, practically salivating at the mere thought of his endless desires.

“You’re such a beautiful demon, a statue of beauty” you spoke with authority, retaining your strong grip on his hair as you dipped down to his level and placed your free hand under his chin, caressing his jaw as the bottom of your foot gently stepped down on his erection, causing you to chuckle as he silently winced at the feeling of it, “It’s a shame I’ll have to break you down to ash”.

[shinestarhwaa]

New Horizons || P.SH

Genre: Smut

Pairing: Boyfriend!Seonghwa x Fem Reader

Word count: 952

Warnings/tags: some mild jealousy, nerdygamer!hwa, blow job, hand job, orgasm denial, cockslapping (very mildl6, just 2 times nothing bad), unprotected sex, Sub!Hwa & Dom!reader

Summary: Seonghwa was too busy playing Animal Crossing, so you decided that if he won't give you attention, you'll make him give you attention.

Happy 25th b-day Hwa <3

ENJOY!

Seonghwa was once again seated in his gaming chair, facing the television. His Nintendo Switch was connected to it and he played Animal Crossing New Horizons. Again.

Now you love your boyfriend, and you thought his nerdy obsessions were quite cute, but the amount of time he spent on his new game seriously annoyed you.

You missed his touches, his lips on your skin. You missed your perfectly good boy. You leaned against the doorframe, watching him. His hands flicked across the device, walking around his so called 'island'.

You sighed, not believing you were jealous of a game. Kinda wishing he'd flick your sensitive bud instead of his Switch.

Animal Crossing New Horizons... pfft. You'd show him new horizons. Better than that stupid game.

You walked upto him and stood behind him, roaming your hands over his chest. "Hi, boo," you said as you kissed the top of his head.

"Hey," he smiled. It was barely a reaction though, Seonghwa stayed focussed on his game. You rolled your eyes at him and decided that if he wouldn't look at you, you'd force him to.

You got in front of him and right when he opened his mouth to tell you you were in the way of his screen, you dropped to your knees and put your hair up to keep it out of your way.

His eyes widened a little but he did not stop playing his game, causing you to get even more annoyed.

You didn't even hesitate and slipped his sweats and underwear down immediately, revealing his already half-hard length. How pathetic.

You licked a stripe from the base of his dick to his tip, swirling your tongue around. You saw his eyes roll back for a second. When you saw he was about to play again you were ready to grab the Switch from his hands, until he stopped you.

"N-no let me turn it off," Seonghwa said, as he quickly turned off the game, leaving the room silent.

The silence was soon again broken when you took his length in your mouth and sucked harshly, drawing a long moan out of Seonghwa.

You bobbed your head up and down his shaft, taking just a little bit more of him every time.

Seonghwa groaned and his hands ran through your hair. You were quick to grab his wrists.

"You don't get to touch or control anything," you said when you came back up again, "don't you wanna be my good boy?"

Seonghwa was nodding quickly, and rested his arms on the armrests of his chair. He threw his head back when you took him back in your mouth, feeling himself hit the back of your throat.

He loved hearing you gag around his cock, made him feel so powerful he could not help but smirk.

When you noticed him starting to buck his hips up you stopped again. "What do you think you're doing?" You raised an eyebrow.

"Y/N, you just feel too good!"

"Should've thought about that before ignoring me and choosing games over me."

He groaned when you pumped his dick quickly, and you knew he was getting close to his climax.

"Y-Y/N, I'm s-sorry, m-make me cum, fuck!"

You let go of his dick and took off your shirt and bralette, revealing your bare breasts. Seonghwa was nearly drooling at the sight of them.

When he had calmed down you started pumping his length again while sucking on the red, angry tip.

Seonghwa whined and dug his nails in the leather of the chair. "Oh god, yes," he moaned out.

"Yeah? You like that? Should've thought about that too, hm?" you said as you slapped his cock. He clenched his eyes together and bit his lip but it wasn't enough for you.

He hissed and whined as you slapped his length again. "I-I'm sorry, I'll give you all the attention in the world, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

You licked the tip of his cock again and he whined so loud and pornographically you couldn't take it anymore.

Being over it, you stood up and took off your short skirt and soaking wet panties, sitting on top of him and gently sliding his cock into your wet hole.

It was amazing how horny he got you every single day. No matter what he looked like or what he did, just the thought of him was enough.

You threw your head back when you grinded your hips against his, roaming your hands over his flushed chest.

"Y-yes," he whined softly as you started bouncing on his hard length.

"Prove to me you're a good boy, then I might let you cum inside," you ordered. The obedient boy he is, he immediately started lapping his tongue on your chest as you rode him.

He licked and sucked on your nipples as he massaged the other one, before switching again.

You threw your head back in pleasure, moaning out when you felt his cock hit all the good spots in your body.

"Yes baby, fuck, so good for me!" you moaned when you felt yourself getting closer.

"G-gonna cum, Y/N, please, can I cum?" Seonghwa asked, putting up his puppy eyes which you can never resist.

"Yes, baby, you've been such a good boy, cum with me, baby, cum with me!"

You bounced on his length until you felt the two of you come undone, melodious moans filling the room. You panted heavily as you rode out your orgasms.

"I will never choose games over you again," Seonghwa said in such a cute voice you thought you'd just die from it.

"I know sweetheart," you said as you kissed his head, "you know better now."

[ya-zz]

but can you imagine Ramattra getting repaired by reader and after she's done and he's all grumpy that he had to seek out help from a human, she just kinda gives him headpats and tell him he did good? AAAAAA

Ramattra is a big softie at heart, change my mind.

Thank you so much for the prompt! ♥ I enjoyed writing this one

Ramattra x Reader (gen)

Word count: 1037

“Will you just sit still!” 

“You are pulling at wires that should not be pulled!” 

“That’s not my fault. You just had to get injured.” 

“That is not my fault either.” 

“Oh really?” 

“Yes. Now stop talking and fix me, human.” 

You release a sigh, shaking your head.

“I will find someone else if you cannot do this.” 

“Who else would you find? You do realise I am the only one around here capable of fixing your kind, don’t you?” You pull on another wire, moving it out of the way. 

The omnic in front of you stays silent for a moment, his body jerking slightly at the pulled wire. “Get on with it.” 

The tone in his voice made you stop. 

“Please.” He turns his head slightly, optics scanning over you, slightly pissed off at the entire notion.

You smile before getting back to work, noticing the tension within him. 

The damage done was almost severe. Too many split wires, broken metal and debris stuck in the harder to reach places. A full disassembly may help, but you knew he wouldn’t let you go that far with him. Hell, he was reluctant to let you do this. 

He could feel your every touch, the small touching of wires as you moved them out of the way, hands grabbing at the larger cables as you push past them to pull out the broken parts of him. 

“Be careful.” He spoke out, body jerking again as you tug at him. 

“I’m being as careful as I can. You’re just sensitive.” You replace one of his larger cables, fingers pushing the connectors in place.

“I am not sensitive!” 

A small laugh escaped you. “Sure, whatever you say.” 

You heard him scoff as you stepped back, walking around the table and facing him before turning away and walking into the backroom of the workshop. 

He listened intently, hearing the rummaging and clattering. His optics stayed at the doorway, waiting for you to appear. Ramattra went into a small daze, mind focussing on cooling himself down, optics unfocusing as he thought about his situation. Being repaired by a human was something he never wanted to do. Filthy hands touching him, defiling his wires. He had to put some trust into you, though. He couldn’t repair himself, not this time. The damage done was to his back, and he wasn’t risking any of his brothers shocking him and putting him out of commission for good. 

Ramattra had nowhere else to go, the thought of even having a human touch him sickened him, however, after he had heard you fixed other omnics before, including Zenyatta, he gave in and sauntered into your workshop. When he saw the various spare parts and blueprints littering the floor and shelves, he felt somewhat at ease, but that hatred and unease for humans was still present inside of him. 

Another tug at his wires pulled him out of his mind, a static yelp escaping from his vocaliser as his head snapped to look at you. 

“Sorry.” You muttered, not looking up at him as you continued to work. 

He scoffed, head turning to face the workshop, optics looking around. “How-”

“As long as it takes me.” You mumbled, screwdriver in between your teeth. 

Ramattra seemed taken aback at the sudden response. “I did not even finish my sentence.”

“Didn’t need to. Lean slightly forward for me.” You place one of your hands on his upper back, pushing him down. 

He obliges, leaning forward on the table, arms resting on top of his thighs. 

“Thanks. Don’t move.” 

Ramattra stays as still as he can, feeling you inside of his back. Another wire was inserted, plugged in from the top and bottom. He saw his sensors come back online, slowly setting up from the last backup. 

You could hear the sigh he released, a small smile creeping onto your face. 

“We are almost done, if that makes you feel better.” 

He nodded, going through the files to distract himself from your touching. For once, he felt relief. The trust he had put into you was not misplaced and he gratefully appreciated the work you had done. You were competent in your abilities and he would thank you for that when this ordeal was over. 

Another half hour passes by and he feels his backplate being put on, the connectors snapping shut and a pat on the back gave him all the confirmation he needed.

“There. You’re fixed.” You place your hand on his head, patting him gently as you walk around him. “You did good.” 

The sudden touch made him freeze, his mind a static snow as he tries to comprehend what just happened. You did good. It replayed in his head, the warmth of your hand atop his head sending a new signal across his circuitry. 

As you walk away from him, putting the broken parts of him in a scrap box, Ramattra stands up, metal feet hitting the floor. 

“Thank you.” He mutters out, his tone different from when he first spoke to you, almost nervous in nature. 

You look up at him, smiling. “Anytime. Workshop is open all hours.” 

“I will be sure to visit again, then.” He pauses, seemingly shocked he said that. “If that is ok with you?” 

Standing up and brushing the dust off your pants, you turn and look at him, still smiling. “Of course. Company is always welcome.” 

He heard the happiness in your voice, and something inside of him looked forward to visiting you again. If it meant he got to feel the same hand on his head, he’d gladly keep coming back.

His untrust for humans dissipated ever so slightly. Despite the harsh tugging at times, he knew you meant well. You fixed him and made him better than he was previously, whether that was due to newer parts or just the trust he had put into you not being displaced, he was grateful nonetheless. 

Something inside of him changed, and one human managed to do that for him in such a short amount of time. 

You did good. It echoed in his head as he walked out of the workshop, a feeling of warmth spreading through his chassis.

[libroseitm]

I'm feeling kinda down lately, I'm sure I'm not the only one.

SO. Battle jackets on! I'm going to drum up some positivity for myself and pop it on here in case it helps anybody else too.

First I'm going to look at the last week of ofmd daily recaps from the wonderful and sensational @gentlebeardsbarngrill. I'd recommend looking back at these too, Abby does such an amazing job and they're great for a moral boost!

From these, I've seen in the last week alone:

.The trending tags we've caught: Rhys x3, Stede, Ed and Stede, #MerStedeMonday, #OurflagBBC, OurFlagMeansDeath x2, BOYFRIENDS.

.OFMD was mentioned or written about in 17 articles.

That's utterly insane and ya'll should be PROUD that we're still being so loud, and that we're still still being talked about. Articles don't get written for the lols, they get written for views. So clearly people think OFMD is still news worthy and that's hyping me the fuck up right now.

Next I'm looking at the simple things that I've done, and that I've seen other people do. These are things that help boost our numbers and moral, so if you've done any of these this week, give yourself a big ol' horse pat on the back:

.Watched OFMD

.Used the hashtags

.Talked to a friend

.Been silly in the Tumblr tags

.Made something (meme, fanart, crochet, fanfiction, a joke etc)

.Commenting on or kudosing a fanfiction

I've mostly been on twitter for campaign reasons. Here's some of the wonderful fanart I've seen that has been made in the last week alone:

Roach if he had stayed on the revenge in Kraken era

Mer!Ed finding a message in a bottle from Stede

Ed wearing the bird robe, lovingly smoochin' Stede

Ed cradling Stede's face inspired by the BTS underwater scene

Captain Frenchie updating Seagull!Buttons on the latest gos

As a last lil' boost, here are the gentlebeard fanfics I've recently read that I can highly recommend:

let me wash your worries away by anathxmadevice (checkmate)

.1,985 words .Mature

Stede is very overstimulated after a long weekend and unusre about what he wants. Ed helps him through in an intimate shower scene. The fic focusses on self-care and not fucking, for once in Ed and Stede's life. I'm obssessed with it.

Tooth Hurty by nomandsland

.2,538 words .Mature

Ed goes to the dentist with a cracked tooth. He's uncomfortable at the dentist's but get's horny about it this time around because his dentist is hot. I laughed all the way through this one :'D

but if I'm all dressed up (they might as well be looking at us) by mediocrepirate

.5,159 words .Explicit

This fic is delicious- plain and simple. Ed and Stede are at an awards event for Ed's music (yeah, he's a rockstar keep up). They're more than a little riled up and shenangans ensue. Mediocrepirate's writing is just exquisite and you are missing out if you haven't read at least one of their fics.

When life gives you lemons by anathxmadevice (checkmate)

.6,627 words .Explicit

Ed is enjoying, or at least trying to enjoy, retired life in the quiet town of Revenge. Life gets way more interesting when he discovers a lemonade stand, or rather, dicovers that lemonade stand kid has a hot dad. It's delightful, endearing and funny!

sunflowers in the kitchen by daydreamcrash

.7,2777 words .Explicit

Ed and Stede have a marriage kink. No seriously. Very funny, very hot, and gloriously domestic.

and the songbirds are singing like they know the score by mediocrepirate

.3,789 words .Teen and up

Stede takes care of Ed, focussing on non sexual intimacy. Did I mention that Mediocrepirates writing is wonderful already? Well I'm saying it again. This fic is so beautiful it HURTS.

[your-divine-ribs]

Ice Cold Part 12

Words: 3.4k

Warnings: multiple deaths/injuries, description of a mass shooting

Ice Cold Masterlist Main Masterlist

The function room was exquisitely decorated and I couldn't help but look around wide-eyed as the three of us stepped inside. The assembled guests exuded wealth and privilege and I would have felt very out of my depth if I hadn't felt the cool metal of my handgun pressing against my thigh, reminding me why I was there.

We all split up, swiftly moving around the room, eyes scanning all over to locate entrances and exits and possible weaknesses, spots where an assailant could hide and launch an attack from. There were many in the large room populated with hundreds of guests. I quickly located the target, a middle-aged man who looked outwardly like a respectable and upstanding citizen, but I knew better. I'd read his file, heard all about his dealings with international criminals, vile excuses for human beings involved with people trafficking, preying on the weak and vulnerable. It made me sick to my stomach, but I reminded myself that the very people that Van worked for were very much embedded into this dark world, and so by association he was also involved. They were merciless at picking off anyone who had crossed them, a relentless machine bringing death and destruction, crushing anyone who dared to stand up to them or get in their way. A stain on this world.

Raj indicated that he'd sit to the left of the target with a clear view of the main thoroughfare into the bar area and Jen and I took up our positions on the other side. Jen sat down but I stayed on my feet, my body already surging with adrenaline, eyes darting around the room, my heart surging every time I saw a tall figure move through the door. I knew I wouldn't see Van but I had no doubt in my mind that he was here somewhere, lurking in the shadows. I could feel it with a chilling certainty, his cold gaze sweeping the room, planning his attack. Had he seen me? Did he look for me like I searched for him among the sea of faces in the room?

As if reading my thoughts Jen spoke. "God, it chills me to the bone to think he's probably here somewhere, watching us, thinking out his next move."

A loud shrill laugh went up from the target's table and I jumped, whirling around at the sudden sound.

"For Christ's sake, sit down Lyla. He's not going to attack right now is he? He'd never get through this crowd without us seeing him. We've just got to bide our time. Keep our wits about us. If the target moves, we move too. He's more likely to strike when he's schmoozing with the other guests after dinner."

"Don't underestimate him," I said, grudgingly taking a seat next to her. "He'll find a way. He always does."

Raj looked over and gave a nod and a wink and I smiled back at him. This small exchange didn't go unnoticed by Jen.

"So... Raj scrubs up alright then doesn't he?" She grinned, nudging me gently in the ribs. "I was quite surprised when I saw him."

I sighed, knowing exactly where the conversation was headed. "What man doesn't look good in a tuxedo?"

"You know he's definitely got a soft spot for you. You should go for it. He's a nice guy, really sweet. It'd do you good."

"Fucks sake, we're on an important mission here, keep focussed." I hissed. "And besides... I'm not interested in 'nice and sweet'."

"Yeah, so I hear..." Jen said pointedly, arms folded with a disapproving look. I looked away, ignoring her, but she wasn't finished.

"You do realise Jason's been spreading rumours about you don't you? Now you know I'd never normally listen to that creep, but I must admit some of the stuff he's been saying kinda makes sense."

I felt my gut clench with a guilty kind of dread, anticipating what she was about to say and not wanting to hear it. Luckily a waiter came to our table to take drinks orders at that moment and I breathed a sigh of relief as another guest struck up a conversation with Jen over the table. If I carried on immersing myself in this illicit fantasy world I was so caught up in it would only be a matter of time before my traitorous ways were exposed. And then what?

Two more waiters walked past our table, catching my attention. They had their heads bowed, whispering to each other and I watched as their eyes shiftily scanned the room. Unlike the other staff who were flitting around, smiles on their faces, eager to help, they struck me as odd. My training had taught me to notice tiny peculiarities, very small details that would go unnoticed to the untrained eye. I watched the two men, noted how they held themselves stiffly, parting company but keeping their eyes on each other. Their uniforms looked almost perfect but I noted small irregularities, the scuffs on their shoes and the crumpled material that wasn't evident on the other staff's pristine attire. I could see a tattoo peeking out of the neckline of one man's collar, took in the unshaven appearance of the other. Something was wrong. I could feel it now, an intuition which I always trusted which had saved my life on many occasions flooded me.

"Jen..." I leant over to get my colleague's attention, but I was interrupted by yet another waiter who was rushing to our table purposefully, eyes fixed on me.

"Excusez moi mademoiselle!" He spoke hurriedly, diverting my attention. I noted he wasn't one of the waiters who had aroused my suspicions.

"Yes, yes, what is it?" I said impatiently. "I said I didn't want a drink!"

He noted my lack of French and immediately switched to speaking in English with a strong accent. "You must come to the bar mademoiselle, quickly!"

He was standing right in my field of vision and I tried to peer around him but the look on his face was urgent. I huffed, reluctantly tearing my eyes away from the room. "I really can't leave my seat, I'm sorry."

The waiter lent into me, almost secretively. "But the gentleman at the bar... he said it was urgent. You must come quickly!"

And just like that, like the flick of a switch, he had my undivided attention. My body moved almost independently from my mind as I rose quickly from my seat, glancing back quickly at Jen and Raj who paid me no heed as I started towards the far side of the room in the wake of the waiter. There was a short corridor which led to the bar, meaning I couldn't yet see the whole area clearly and my heart was in my mouth as I rounded the corner, quickly scanning my surroundings.

Of course it was obvious that I wouldn't find Van there, boldly perching on a bar stool awaiting my arrival, but nevertheless disappointment sank in me when I scoped the area and there was no trace of him. "What's this all about? Who gave you this urgent message?" I questioned the waiter who looked vaguely bewildered, turning his head this way and that.

"But... but..." he started, trailing off, before a thought seemed to occur to him. "Hold on mademoiselle, he left you a note!"

He'd been here!

The thought temporarily stunned me, but not for long. I moved quickly behind the waiter as he strode towards the bar, any concerns about the suspicious characters that I'd noticed before suddenly distant worries.

I waited eagerly as the waiter ducked behind the bar and appeared again moments later with a folded piece of paper. I snatched it out of his hands rudely, not caring at all, my heart almost at a standstill as I read the scrawled message.

GET OUT NOW

ROOM 510, 5th Floor

I'll be waiting

I read the message over and over, trying to process it. It was simple enough, an instruction and a location, but the decision of whether or not to follow that instruction was far from simple. I stood there, eyes fixed on the paper, my head buzzing with indecision.

And then all hell broke loose.

The first thing I heard was the scream, and a loud cry from the adjoining function room. "Someone call an ambulance!"

The piece of paper dropped from my hands and fluttered to the floor as my head whipped up and I started to sprint back in the direction I'd come from. I paused in the opening of the room, looking across to the source of the commotion and my mouth fell open. The target was on his feet, face twisted in obvious agony whilst he clawed at his throat. His face was scarlet and he looked gravely ill. Several other guests were gathered around him, an elderly lady was beside herself with panic and fright calling out for help but one look at the man told me that no amount of assistance could save him now. He slumped to the floor, gasping and writhing in his death throes.

I started into the room, noting Raj rushing over to the table but was shunted to the side by a stocky figure, and my foot caught on a table leg, sending me sprawling to the floor. I immediately scrambled up on to my hands and knees to see one of the suspicious looking waiters from earlier, and I watched on in abject horror as he reached under a nearby empty table and withdrew his hands. He was holding a huge black semi automatic rifle and he was pointing it at the table where the man now lay dead. Right where Raj was standing.

"No!" I cried, launching myself on to my feet and springing at the man, grasping the barrel of the rifle and pushing it upwards.

A shot fired out and up to the ceiling, shattering a grand chandelier, causing glass to tumble down like rainfall. High pitched screams and shouts rang out and chaos ensued as guests shot up on to their feet, falling over each other to get to the exit.

"Lyla!" I heard Jen's voice cry out and I watched as she lunged forward with her gun, firing off a shot at the man stood next to me who now had his rifle trained on me. He dived to the side just in time, the bullet whizzing past and into the back wall. I took my chance to sprint across the room, pushing my way through guests who were fleeing in the opposite direction, glancing back to see the man with the gun starting to rise up on to his feet again.

"Fuck, there's two of them!" Jen cried, and sure enough I looked up to see the second man over the far side of the room brandishing an identical rifle. My blood ran cold.

"Quick, tip this table!" I shouted to Jen, gripping the edge, and we both pushed the heavy piece of furniture until it tipped over on its side, allowing us both some cover.

We both crouched down behind it, wincing as a wave of bullets hit the surface of the table. And they didn't stop. For the next few minutes as we scrunched ourselves up as small as we could behind the precarious safety of the table all we could hear was the deafening noise of the rifles firing, and terrified shrieks from guests as they tried in vain to escape.

"It's a fucking massacre!" Jen sobbed as she clutched her gun close to her chest.

A brief silence and then gun fire again as the killers fired at will at the guests, more screams, some which curdled my blood as people were mown down and writhed in agony on the floor. A young woman who'd been hit in the neck slumped at my feet, her hand outstretched to me like a plea for help, her sobs cutting through the cacophony of gun fire but then trailing off as her life ebbed away. I needed to do something. I had to act, and I had to act quickly. My heart thundered wildly as I frantically thought out a plan.

"Cover me Jen!" I whispered and her eyes went wide. She didn't reply, just nodded, a solemn look on her face as she steeled herself ready for action.

Jen manoeuvred herself carefully so she could just peer over the top of the table and started firing off rounds. There was a brief pause in the rapid rifle fire and that was my cue to go. I took a deep breath, reciting a silent prayer in my head and then I slid my body across to the small opening between the table I'd been hiding behind and the adjacent table. The room was littered with dead and injured people, their screams of pain and sobbing filling the air. One attacker was taking cover from Jen's gunfire and I didn't have a clear shot but the other was moving across the room trying to dodge the bullets.

"Quick Lyla! I'm gonna have to re-load!" Jen urged.

I brought my handgun up in front of me, steadying it on the table top, and despite all the chaos around, a calm kind of focus descended on me. The man was in my sights, just about to spin around and return fire but I was too quick. My finger firmly squeezed the trigger, firing off a round that shot its path clear and true to the desired target. I watched, satisfied as the bullet punctured the man's back and he slumped lifeless to the floor.

"I'm going after the other one!" I called to Jen, who had just managed to reload her clip and she nodded quickly.

My initial fear was pushed aside now, replaced with a steely kind of determination to take the other attacker down and end this. I pushed myself up, launching myself forward but keeping my body low. Jen fired off a few rounds to provide me with cover. I was just about to raise my gun when I caught sight of Raj. He was lying on his side on the floor clutching his abdomen, his breathing coming shallow and rapid. Blood bloomed on his white shirt. I hesitated, my attention shifted to my fallen colleague.

"Lyla, watch out!" Jen's cry made me freeze and I looked up just in time to see my assailant break his cover and raise the rifle up.

The shot sailed past me, grazing my arm as it went, a red hot pain as I felt the skin break and blood start to trickle down my arm. But I didn't falter. I returned fire but missed, and cursed loudly as the man darted quickly to the exit and then he was through. I couldn't let him get away.

"Jen, Raj is down, he needs help! I'm going after that bastard!" I roared, giving Raj one last glance and then I was taking off through the exit, kicking off my heels as I went.

I shot into the corridor which led to the hotel foyer, leaving behind the gruesome moans and cries of the injured. The usual hustle and bustle of the hotel foyer had been replaced with a deathly quiet scene completely empty as the guests had fled outside to safety. I could see them all outside, stumbling around in states of shock, some lying prone on the pavement whilst others tried to assist. It wouldn't be long until the whole area was crawling with police, but I couldn't wait. The killer would be long gone if I hesitated another second. This was my job and I was damn well going to do it. The old Lyla, focussed and determined, doing what I did best.

The sound of a door closing to my right caught my attention and I rushed to it, pulling it open a tiny gap and peering through. It was a stairwell, and I could hear pounding footsteps ascending upwards. I slipped through, carefully looking upwards through the shaft where I could just make out the figure of the attacker. I aimed a shot, but it ricocheted off the metal handrail. The footsteps stopped and then a second later there was the deafening roar of the rifle. I pressed myself flat against the wall until I heard the footsteps start up again. I set off in pursuit.

I passed the first, second and third floor, moving swiftly, hardly making a sound with my now bare feet, easily hearing the path of the killer, his boots heavy on the steps and his breathing laboured as he climbed higher. I was gaining on him as I passed the fourth floor landing. Suddenly the sounds above me halted and there was the distinct sound of a door opening. He'd exited the stairwell on the fifth floor. My mind immediately went to the note that Van had left me.

Room 510, 5th Floor...

It was instantaneous. As soon as my thoughts drifted to Van I could feel my resolve weakening, my bravery starting to ebb. I grit my teeth, mentally willing him out of my mind. I couldn't risk losing momentum. I had this guy on the run and I was going to finish the job. Maybe I could claw back a little bit of the dignity that I'd lost by losing my head over Van.

I creaked open the door slowly, peeping out to scan the corridor but it was empty. I cursed inwardly, there were so many rooms it would be impossible to find the killer if he'd snuck into one and locked the door.

A loud clatter suddenly rang out from further down the corridor. I froze, trying to discern exactly where the noise had come from. It sounded distant so I took my chance, moving stealthily along the corridor towards the open door that I could just make out at the far end. My heart was beating so hard that I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. Nearly there...

"FREEZE BITCH!"

The gruff voice rang out from behind me and my heart nearly leapt clear of my chest as I span around, coming face to face with the killer I'd been pursuing.

He wore a mocking sneer on his face and he gripped the rifle with both hands, the barrel pointed right at my torso.

Don't show fear Lyla... you can still do this. You just need to distract him and take your shot.

I swallowed deeply, praying my voice wouldn't betray my fear and luckily for me it rang out strong and true. This wasn't Van I was dealing with, and I felt oddly in control despite the imminent danger. My old reckless self, staring adversity in the face with courage.

"Drop the gun and put your hands up," I commanded, my small but equally as deadly handgun stretched out in front of me in unwavering hands. "I've killed one of your lot tonight and I won't hesitate to take you out too."

The killer's smile widened and his eyes sparked with a murderous kind of insanity. He started to laugh and it was a sickening sound that chilled me through. "Call that a gun you dumb bitch? That's not a gun. Now THIS is a fucking gun!"

As if to demonstrate he lifted the rifle so it now pointed at my head, taunting me. "NOW YOU DROP THE FUCKING GUN!"

It wasn't happening, I wasn't going down without a fight. The silent prayers scrolled through my head now, along with images of my dad. Regrets of what could have been as my life flashed before my eyes. My finger gently squeezed the trigger as I saw my assailant's do the same...

"You heard him. Drop the gun Lyla."

The voice came from directly behind me and just like that my heart practically stuttered to a stop and my body felt shivered through with fear. Van.

I turned, slowly, my arm lowering gradually as I did, so that when I came to face him the gun was hanging limply at my side. I tried to speak but my throat felt closed off. I felt like my whole body was shutting down piece by piece, a weak, useless, pathetic version of myself.

Van stood there, cutting an intimidating figure with a pistol raised and pointed right at me, a lazy smile playing on his lips, his words laced with ice as he spoke. "I said drop it... NOW!"

[falderaletcetera]

determined to find something positive for my brain to latch onto today, SO

stardew valley mods, apparently, are it!

god bless modders though. I thought East Scarp was gonna be a smaller mod than Stardew Valley Expanded, but looking at all the optional add-ons... it really might not be. and I'm interested to see how a bunch of mods made by different people in collaboration with each other plays as opposed to one big mod made by a very dedicated nutter (affectionate.)

((I think it might help! I like SVE a lot but I've also played enough to have bones to pick with various aspects, and I think having individuals focussed on the specific characters and parts they really want to flesh out might be good.))

also extremely amused by the person who made four different "let me date that old man" mods. I'm definitely leaving off the wizard one, because I've been playing SVE and I kinda miss the vanilla wizard - and because, well, it makes me a little sad to have those upper friendship levels locked behind a dating requirement. but the marlon one might be pretty cool. and I deeply respect the modder's decision to make him grumpy and sweary.

the annoying thing, the difficult thing, is that there are in fact lots of characters I'm curious about, and in order to find out as much as I want to about them, I do have to date most of them. which. the first time I played the base game, I dated everyone in a fit of aromantic apathy, saw all the heart events, got a bit creeped out by some of them, then had to edit my own save file to dump them all because that wasn't a game option yet.

I can see that happening again and it's already mortifying. potential solution: attempt to play as a character and not as myself, and see where things take them. 95% chance they'll stay single but it tends to make the interactions a little more interesting anyway.

(it's a lot of mods to wrangle and hope they all still work okay, but I've been needing the distraction, so fingers crossed that happens soon!)

(am I still ignoring the game I bought my current computer for? yes. very much so. vesemir beat my arse in the tutorial and I don't yet trust a friend's assurance that playing with a controller makes it way better.)

[pokemonispain]

Hiii !! I recently discovered you write for Twisted Wonderland too and this idea's been spinning around in my head since then...

I recently finished book 4 and i love how MC, and Kalim kept wanting to help Jamil stay on his feet even nine days after his overblot which makes me wonder just how bad his post-overblot symptoms were.

I'm stuck with the image of Jamil incredibly sick and nauseous and Kalim of all people, attempting to help him through, hold his hair back and everything and Jamil hates that Kalim is still kind to him after the ordeal but also is relieved in a way that he hasn't lost Kalim as a friend like... He's torn between pushing Kalim away, apologizing to him, or just focussing on the embarassment he feels to be so weak and helpless before the man he was supposed to be responsible for always.

Additional moment, imagine Kalim trying to cook something simple for Jamil to help his state and managing to give the poor guy food poisoning on top of that 😭

HeLp 😂 poor Jamil, I’d honestly feel kinda bad if he wasn’t so cute. I can definitely imagine him practically making Kalim leave his room or wherever he is because Jamil is like so used to licking his metaphorical and literal wounds in private that I can imagine that the while he’s recovering from over blotting he one hundred percent would attempt to brute force it if he could but the very next day he’s probably bed ridden against his will.

While Jamil actually wants to use that time to rest as evidence by him not minding too much when he ate that poisoned curry and nearly died😭 I feel like due to him being socialized and raised to be a workaholic on nearly every level for Kalim he has trouble resting in the sense that he’s always jumping from task to task right after he completes one and if he’s still for too long to rest then sometimes he gets antsy probably.

Jamil trying to curse Kalim out in between his puking and nearly choking on one of his retches but the curses are more from the frustration of being sick, and Kalim of all people getting him sick.

One thing I can imagine Kalim doing is not just holding Jamil’s hair while he’s throwing up but also like maybe doing Jamil’s hair for him in a more simple style. I feel like Kalim would have learned to do Jamil’s hair when they were really little, just in case a situation does arrive where Jamil is out of commission for a bit.

And since like practically everyone knows just how much Jamil like actually values his hair, maybe like Jamil waking up while he’s in and out of it with a pretty bad fever the very next day after his overblot and Kalim carefully doing his hair for him. Him thinking it’s a hallucination from the fever because he’s shocked Kalim is even sticking around 😭

I feel like if this were something that Kalim learned to do that it’s one of the few things he’d do extremely carefully especially when their relationship is still on the rocks.

Sorry I rambled anon but it was just a cute cute thought 😭

[ifyouhappentoremember]

Quick Thoughts - The Phantom of the Opera - February 4, 2023 - Matinee

The main trio was Ben Crawford, Julia Udine and John Riddle.

I think I’ve reached a point when I am so familiar with this trio’s acting choices, my brain just started focussing on very niche and random things, so this review is just going to be an incredibly haphazard collection of thoughts.

Joseph DePietro was on as M. Reyer and is it possible that I’ve found my new favorite Reyer? He was so incredibly sassy but it was clear that he was very good at his job, which is Reyer 101. I know I’m ride or die for Jim Weitzer’s Reyer, but DePietro is giving him a run for his money.

This is the third (or is it second?) time I’ve seen Ted Keegan as Piangi. I can barely wrap my brain around it because Keegan’s Phantom and his Piangi give off very different energies but are also somewhat similar? His Piangi is very earnest and a little goofy.

Keegan’s Piangi is first and foremost, Carlotta’s number 1 fan. The first time Keegan’s Piangi met Carlotta, he cried and would later write in his diary, “It was the best moment of my life.” 

RIP Keegan’s Piangi, you would have thrived as a stan account on Twitter.

I had thought that since New York City Ballet’s Winter season had started, I would stop focussing so intently on the ballet corps during the Dressing Room sequence and finally turn my attention to the action down stage. If anything, my scrutiny on the corps has increased.

The choreography during this sequence is so good. It’s structured to almost resemble the center portion of a ballet class but Gillian Lynn had deliberately put in references to Degas’s ballet paintings and sculptures. It’s so clever and it lends so much atmosphere to the scene.

I’m really nitpicking here but I wish the ballet corps was a little bit tighter and were more synchronized? The main issue is that each ballet dancer has trained at a different school so the little details like arm and head placement are different. Like I said, I’m nitpicking because this is such a minor detail.

I am always so obsessed with this detail during Notes. Raoul directs the sung line “Why did Christine fly from my arms?” to André. Why does Raoul think André would know the answer? Nehal Joshi’s André always looks and gestures at John Riddle’s Raoul like “Give me a minute to deal with Carlotta and then I can help you with your stupid question” and it always cracks me up.

Ok so on the rooftop sequence after All I Ask of You when Raoul says “Christine, I love you,” I always love that when he says it, Julia’s face is in shadow and when she turns back, she’s in the light again. It’s such a good visual representation of Christine ‘rejecting’ the Phantom’s world of shadow for Raoul’s world of sunlight.

Ted Keegan’s Piangi made a really good Don Juan?? I was actually really annoyed that the Phantom killed Piangi, because I actually kinda started to get into Don Juan Triumphant.

Ben got so raspy during some moments when he sang The Point of No Return and I’m annoyed because it’s going to be clattering around my brain until the next time I see Phantom.

I don’t know how Ted Keegan made his body so limp during the reveal of Piangi’s dead body, his feet were swinging around like he was a corpse. It was really disturbing.

Ben has a new line reading of ‘The world showed no compassion to me!’ I like it so much better!

I like it better when Ben’s Phantom says his second “I love you’ to the empty space Christine has left behind. I’ve seen him do it to Christine when she’s still standing in front of him, and it reads as more manipulative to me, like he’s still begging her to stay with him. When he’s by himself it reads more pathetic and sad to me.

When Meg {Polly Baird] ripped the cape from the throne to reveal the mask, someone in the audience (probably a kid) let out a giant gasp of surprise and it made me laugh. I know, I know, this means for spoiling the mood my punishment I will be forced to endure the never ending bathroom line during intermission at Phantom (I would like to throw the lady sitting next to me under the bus because she laughed too - it was not just me!!).

[fandomfluffandfuck]

hi!

im soooo happy you're unflagged now, slutty chris as your pfp was something i missed a lot when i opened tumblr haha 🫠

anywayy, i was wondering what tips you have for finishing WIPs? like, i have about 6 of them that are pretty long already but each time i open one i write about a paragraph and get unmotivated againn

i really wanna post this multichapter ive been working on since january (it's a dad's best friend trope, if you're wondering 👀) but im writing one last chapter and nothing will come to me :(

do you have any tips for getting motivated or just general things that help you stay focussed?

Hey!

Same! It felt like such a long time 😫 (I mean, it was almost three weeks, so it kinda was a long time, but you know what I'm getting at)

Your wip sounds super interesting. I'm sure they're all devine. Sending you all the ✨️motivation✨️

I don't know if I have tips as much as I can tell you what I do (or what I try to do, at least lol), but anyway, here goes--

I usually don't have more than one "actual" wip at one time, I obviously jot down ideas when they come to me, but I'm not writing multiple full-fledged fics at once. I'm writing a fic, and maybe I'm working on some writing for Tumblr at the same time. Other than that, I just don't. I'm VERY tempted at times, but I force myself to take it one at a time. Even when it might be painful, lol.

(And I'm aware that I'm very privileged to have a brain that works in such a way as to let me write like that.)

Plus, as weird as it sounds, I've found the more I write with a single wip at a time, the more moving onto the next idea I have becomes a reward in of itself.

As far as finishing what I'm working on currently, usually I start with an outline, literal jot dots, for what I want the fic to be. Obviously, it doesn't always follow what I first put down, but there's an outline at least. Then, I go back and fill in that outline where I know nothing is permanent. I literally write the full fic in jot dot form. It just might be missing bits and pieces. It's still in jot dots. After I finish through the whole outline--expanding the ideas into actual writing--I go back, and I go section by section, removing the jot dots while reading for things I might need to change, things I might want to add, etc. After I get through the whole thing that way, I re-read it as a normal piece of writing. Again, changing or adding or removing things or whatever as I go. Then, I usually run it through a program like Grammarly or some shit to catch stuff that I can't catch (thanks dyslexia). Finally, I copy and paste it into AO3, reading it one last time, in a different font.

My schedule for writing on the weekend (soon weekdays, too... almost hello summer 👀) is to write for an hour after I eat breakfast. I'm a morning person, I get up at 6:00 am, then I sit on the couch with my laptop and type for an hour. Usually like 7:00-8:00am. Then I'm done. I'll come back to it tomorrow. It's a routine that's been my routine for a couple of years now, so I don't even really think about it. I just do.

(Also, obviously, if I'm in the middle of a scene or something, I write down what I will need for later, but I have shit to do, so I have to stop.)

When I'm in the middle of writing and I get stuck, usually I scroll back up to what I've written earlier and do some rereading. Or I scroll down and freshen my memory of where I'm trying to take this thing. Then, I integrate back into what I'm trying to write, thinking about the feeling I want to create, what picture I want to paint, what the internal world of the character I am writing is like (what is their "voice"), etc. When words won't come, I think about things other than words--if that makes any sense, lol.

If that doesn't work, rereading, I might take a breather. I drink a lot of tea, so I might go make myself some tea, sometimes thinking about what I'm trying to write, sometimes not. Usually, I get a lot of ideas the second I set my laptop aside, lmao. Or it comes to me when I'm pacing, waiting for water to heat up. Usually, because I write for an hour, I feel pressure to write the whole time, but I don't have to. No one has to do anything. It's all good. Take a breath.

A breather.

I also always listen to music when I'm writing. Almost always music with words but not always the same genre; I'm not just listening to horny music or whatever when I'm writing, so if I'm stuck, I might swap to a new playlist. Maybe one that is intentionally matching for what I'm writing--a more sexual playlist for smut, a softer playlist for romance, an upsetting playlist for angst, etc. Or maybe one that clashes, that always shakes something loose in my brain.

(Listening to straight fucking screamo when writing an intimate, quiet, fragile scene is objectively hilarious, too, so I entertain myself.)

Usually, when I write in the morning, I don't have as much trouble with my dyslexia because I haven't exhausted myself reading and processing the bullshit that letters and numbers do all day, but if it's just a bad day for whatever reason... I might swap fonts and try to keep at it. Usually, I write in Verdana, but I might swap to Comic Sans or something for a while.

Or, if I'm stuck because of dyslexia or anything else, I might just stop for the day. As a perfectionist and workaholic and, just, someone who you could not pay to sit still and not do something, I'm trying to allow myself more times where I can just stop. A lot of the time, I push through, though. I tell myself 10 more minutes, then you're done. A tangible goal can be good.

What really motivates me is getting the fic out. Not even necessarily getting it out and publishing it to AO3 and seeing people's reactions to what I create, although that is undeniably an incredible thing to experience. I feel compelled to write. I like the process of writing. And because I've accidentally created this rule for myself where I have to finish one thing before the next, I have to get something out to start the next. Editing is the WORST, but I will do it to move on to the next. That's just my workaholic nature.

It'll probably kill me one day... it's not the best. As a consequence, I will readily admit I forget what I've written CONSTANTLY. I don't re-read what I write once it's finished. I move on to the next idea so fast that I forget what I did prior until other people bring it up. I'm propelled forward with very narrow vision. Again, it's not the best, and I should learn to stop and appreciate what I've done. It's hard, though.

Also, talking to people about your ideas is always a good way to go. I should do it more, too. I find myself being a very selfish creator. I create from this place of compulsion. I have to get it out. I don't know why, I just do. It's the way I am. And I create alone a lot. I'm an introvert and a highly independent person, I like to be alone, and I like to make things alone. So, it's easy to fall into the same pattern of being private and only showing off what I have when it's fully finished, complete with a sparkling varnish. But that doesn't have to be the way it is. Share bits and pieces, talk about what you're doing, let other people tell you you're doing it! You're doing a good job! They're excited to see the next update, no matter how small!

If you can't/don't want to share, though, a fun way to bounce ideas around is going, okay, I have to make a list of [whatever number, 20, 50, 100, etc.] ideas. They can be absolute fucking garbage, all of them, but I am going to list out as many as I possibly can. If none of them are good, great! They're no longer taking up space in my brain. They're on this list. If one or two are good, great! You can build on those or warp them to fit.

I hope some of that helped, lol. I just tried to explain the way my brain works, and it isn't pretty, lmao.

[pacifymebby]

hi sorry to ask this but what are the warning signs for an ed and how do I stop myself? I feel like I’m becoming obsessed with calories and I’m genuinely scared

no pressure to answer though!!! I know it’s a difficult topic

Aw no this is okay to ask!!! I'm really more than happy to try and give people any advice I can or like support at all.

My first bit of advice is really that as soon as you start worrying that there could be a problem, reach out and talk to someone. Try to get help as fast as possible. Eating Disorders are quite complicated and addictive so it's best to nip them in the bud so they can't make their little roots and come back again if that makes sense. The stat for recovery within the first two years of diagnosis is so much better for the stat for recovery outwith that time frame.

Secondly, when I start noticing that I'm focussing on calories too much, when I catch myself worrying about the food i want to eat I kinda take a step back and ask myself "am I hungry, am I craving this food, is it going to make me happy/will eating it be a good experience" usually the answer to one of these questions is yes and if it is then you can be like, "well then I need the food calories don't matter"

Depending how far in you are that can be hard though. A lot of the time I have the argument outloud with B and he reasons with me.

I think like, trying not to check the calories helped me,but then other people I know have said checking the calories and then saying "but that's okay" helps them because by purposefully not checking calories you're letting yourself fear them still. It kinda depends what works best for you but try both ways until something works.

Also like, 9 times out of 10 and eating disorder isn't just about food and weight loss. Sounds stupid but write in your diary about everything that's worrying you and making you feel bad. Like my ed genuinely stems from wanting someone else to take care of me, like feeling like the only way I can be taken care of is if I'm really seriously ill. It's like a cry for help behaviour that stems from trauma and probably if we'd discovered this when I was first ill I could maybe have been assisted to recover quite nicely.

So like working out what's making you obsess over calories, like are you controlling that because there's something else in your life worrying you that you feel like you can't control. Things that have triggered my ed in the past have been things like GCSEs, starting a new college and being anxious about all the new stuff, applying to uni, trying to graduate, actually finishing uni and realising I don't know what to do with my life and having no set routine or goals so then the ed came back as something to focus on, living in a bad environment (mouldy cold house, being poor so couldn't change circumstances), traumatic life events like sexual assault etc...

Really small seemingly trivial things can trigger it and like once you realise that, like fixing the external problem can often help.

I think like initial warning signs are things like

Worrying about calories, counting them obsessively etc

Constantly checking how you look, worrying about it, worrying about how clothes fit and like feeling uncomfortable in clothes you used to love

If your minds constantly distracted and preoccupied with thoughts about appearance, weight, exercise, losing weight, cutting out foods etc...

Something else for me is that I always get quite into like other stuff too, I get an urge to buy skincare products and new health foods or like new exercise clothes.

Staying away from certain areas of Tumblr and other socials is like imperative btw.

But yeah my main thing is if you're worrying about maybe you're developing disordered behaviour then get help asap!!! It's not shameful to ask for help and eating disorders are so so miserable so like escaping them at the earliest possible stage is really important!!!

[harleythealter]

I get sad when people beg for attention and connection and I just stand there like… you mean what I’ve been offering you this whole time? I’m not even sure I feel anything other than sad because it’s never going to be enough for that person until something in their life changes.

On a happy note, because I’m not going to just be sad tonight. I did something wild today and it was super cool. Also, I’m at this 3 day seminar called Get-A-Life Getaway. There’s too much to list off the top of my head. But it’s a lot of good stuff. Some of it’s hard to stay focussed during because I’ve learned it and my counselor had reinforced some of it for the past three and a half years. Like things we believe, how all criticism is usually self imposed and inside our head, a lot more things. There’s so much. Anyways. I’m grateful to be here because they’re teaching us how to see what we actually want from life-mainly it comes back to connection with people(also something I had reinforced for the last three years is that I crave connection. Quality time is my love language). Oh, I’m a decade or five away from most of the people in this seminar, so it’s weird when the coaches are teasing everybody that the teenagers are showing them up by talking more and sharing more. Which is awkward for me because im being used as a tool to somewhat shame others-but I recognize that my parents have already been to this seminar and were able to give me some tricks to get the most out of it.

Also I’m meeting really interesting people. And they have a lot to say and a lot of experience. OH MY GAWD. I forgot to mention until now that I learned I have a generational fear from my FATHER???? I’ve only known of the ones inherited from my mother. So. That’s interesting and also like. Hmm. Well now a lot of things make sense around that topic.

And then to help me let go of that lie, the coaches called me upfront to eat fire. It tasted a bit funny but I kinda liked that.

Most of the specifics happened today so I’m pretty exhausted.

[episbep]

rehab day twenty four

still no answer as to whether I’m heading home in 4 days or staying on longer…getting sick of it now and have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I’m more than likely heading home and making plans to do so just in case. You’d think the manager of a place that is big on honesty, time keeping and consideration for others would follow the same principles…trying not to let it ruin what might be my last few days here and remain focussed but I’m rly not happy about it.

I was rly down about things this morning and just felt generally shite - I have a dealer waiting on me to get home with a half oz sitting there but after a relapse prevention workshop I kinda really don’t think I want it…. I mean, I do, but I don’t want to be back to where I was at before I came in here, those were dark, stuck times…is it worth going back just to numb the pain and get a little wobbly? probably not. From other peoples experiences every relapse gets worse and the consequences also get worse. How much more am I willing to lose? We had group therapy after affirmations and meditation and they helped me to see the positives, reminded me that I cannot control people, places or things and that the answer will come soon enough. Well, eventually. I’m just stressing that I have no support at home, my family don’t understand at all and I continue to hurt them even now I’m almost a month clean and I will have to build a new life, all alone…

We went to beach at the end of the treatment day and I was still not feeling great but ended up dozing off in the sun while I was sunbathing and woke up feeling a lot better😄 yay. Hopefully tomorrow I will know what’s going on. I’m not gonna hold my breath though.

Was doing my assignment work and got a phone call from a friend back home checking in on me cos I’d messaged the girl he’s living with atm asking if she could get ket when I was adamant I was gonna go home and get buted, completely forgetting he was staying there🙈 thankfully that has passed but the main thing I took from the phone call was that my ex had called him up asking if he’d heard from me cos he (the ex) had tried to call me and couldn’t get through, cos I’ve blocked him😜 BIG WIN! a month ago I would’ve re-opened that door but something has truly changed within me and I genuinely don’t want to go back to our addictive/dysfunctional relationship or see him again, that’s done and over and I’m moving on to a better life - my life where his happiness isn’t paramount, and I put my growth and recovery first. Apparently he sends his love and is “there if I need him”, but I really and truly do not need him. I have me. What a fucking revelation. This feels like growth.

[i-luvsang]

hi love, i just wanted to check in to see how you're doing :)! (i hope you don't mind being called pet names? 😭 i figured you like them since you also use them, if you don't please let me know!! i'd never want to make you uncomfortable)

i was also wondering what inspires you to write? i've been trying to write myself since i come up with a lot of ideas and i'd love to create something myself, but for some reason i just get stuck at the very beginning... like i even tried just doing bullet points to not be so hard on myself but sometimes i have a hard time figuring out specifics? like for example i'd have a member and trope, possibly dynamic between the member and reader but have a hard time with scenarios you know? like for example how they meet, or little specific things like the progression in the relationship idk? i just keep procrastinating saying i'll do it later knowing i definitely won't, but whenever i try focussing on it my head just goes blank? and idk it kinda makes me upset and feel like it's impossible for me to ever actually write despite wanting too. that's it...

sorry for the long rant abt my inability to write lol. also wishing you the best for uni!! i hope you get to have a fun experience despite that uni sounds very stressful.. i'm sure you'll do well, good luck!! — 🎧

eEEK HELLO BELOVED !! i’m totally cool with pet names, hbu ?? it’s lovely to hear from youuuu. sorry it’s taken me a bit to reply but i have been oh so busy and only here for three days😵‍💫 LOL. but thank you for your well wishes!! i’m excited :)) (also you know i never mind a long rant !!! my response is even longer lmao)

as for writing advice !! as far as inspo goes, it’s a little hard for me to pinpoint specifics since depends a lot on each individual fic + i feel like i don’t have a set process. but i definitely understand your struggle!! every writer works in different ways but hopefully i can help at least a little bit!

my advice would be to focus on what you do have ideas for like those dynamics or tropes. there’s lots of different ways you can do that! i’ll try to give examples in terms of the grumpy!seonghwa x shy!sunshine!reader that you inspired me to write!! (ik it’s in headcanon format but this process can help with plot building for any type of fic i think!)

so i started off with just that trope and the cute idea that hwa is soft for the reader. so i started thinking of an image that would fit this seonghwa. how exactly is he “grumpy”? is he mean, more cold, or does he just not like talking to new people? it helps to be asking yourself questions to guide your own thinking! then i asked similar questions about reader’s characteristics! this light character planning guided me to the conclusion that these sort of characters and their dynamic would fit a college setting! and this then led me to different plot points like their first meeting. i asked questions like “what’s a situation that could display their dynamic that’s to come later in the fic that fits the college setting?”

i was having trouble coming up with something myself so i searched through college!au prompt lists and found the scenario of getting stuck outside of your dorm lol. prompt lists can be super duper helpful when you’re struggling to find a scenario (at least for me)! and i think that a lot of the time, finding just one or two plot details/scenarios to put your characters helps to let the rest flow! honestly i think candy bar part was also inspired by a prompt list! and another nice thing about prompt lists—you can change it or build new ideas off of it in any way that you want! dialogue prompts can also be a great starting point to start a creative flow! these can be from prompt lists you find, or a dialogue you’ve come up with yourself in relation to your characters! don’t worry about scenario or dialogue prompts being chronological either!! if you have inspo for any point in your story, run with it! it often helps in the long run!

other ways to stay focused on the ideas you already have are to create pinterest boards/moodboards/any time of visual representation or playlists that are inspired by your base ideas! i’ve really been enjoying these two with my wips rn. it’s fun and they help as a creative outlet for when you’re struggling to actually write or come up with new ideas while still being focused on the wip you have in mind! plus you can come back to them throughout the writing process to gain more inspiration or to keep expanding as you write!

and another lovely resource is other writers! anyone i know (and ofc me) are very willing to help fellow writers think of ideas, be a sounding board, help develop plots or make decisions! it’s a great time to collaborate and get help from/help other writers :)) so i hope this helps!! and let me know if you want any more help with anything like brainstorming for specific fics or any other general advice!! i should be less busy starting tomorrow <33

[fyodoro]

𝐒𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 & 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 - 𝐒𝐞𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐨 𝐍𝐚𝐠𝐢

-> You can’t help but wonder if you’d be holding him back in his soccer career this whole time

Angst to comfort, anxiety, overthinking, crying, breakdowns(?), this was meant to be pure fluff with multiple characters but then my draft crashed and got deleted so i got petty, short, not proofread, post U-20 match

In all your years of knowing Nagi, you’ve never seen him so serious when it came to anything.

Living a lazy life where he doesn’t have to do anything? Sure, he was pretty serious about that. But that seriousness didn’t have any passion behind it. At least, not the passion you’ve been watching him put into soccer lately.

The man you were seeing on TV the day of the U-20 match felt surreal to you. Right before he left for Blue Lock, all he did was complain about how much work he had to do. No one could deny his talent was raw and natural, not even Nagi. But he could deny how much he enjoyed using that talent.

But who you saw on screen depicted a Nagi who’s passion was filled to the brim. A Nagi you’ve never seen before.

And you just couldn’t help but wonder if that seriousness has always been there.

Which is why you lie next to him now, trying to focus on anything but your racing thoughts.

He’s tapping away at his phone playing the usual first person shooter he’s always played with his leg swung over yours, keeping you aware of his presence.

You keep holding back words, words that’d reveal you’ve cracked. Nagi wouldn’t listen, would he? Maybe he’d pretend to be listening, or maybe he wouldn’t care enough to offer any words of reassurance like you wanted, needed right now.

Is this what others meant when they said they’ve never felt more alone next to their lover?

No, you didn’t feel alone. You weren’t alone. Were you? This was all in your head.

This was all in your head, and it should stay in your head.

“(Name)?”

“Huh?” You turned your head to the voice’s owner, eyes feeling awfully dry compared to a few moments ago.

“You’ve kinda just been… staring at that wall over there for a while now. Is there some kind of ghost there?” Nagi asked lazily, averting his eyes from his phone, to you, and then the wall you’ve supposedly been staring at.

“Staring, ghost?” You asked quietly. “There’s no ghost. I was just sleeping… with my eyes open?”

“You only do that during class, not with your boyfriend.” He ‘corrected.’

There’s the word… boyfriend. Nagi is your boyfriend, isn’t he? He has been for months now. But do those months with you matter to him as much as his months training in Blue Lock?

You look at him again, and his eyes are focussed on his phone once again. Anyone else in this position would probably be annoyed, but why aren’t you? Why was the thought of him paying extra attention to his calling more nerve wrecking than the thought of him ignoring you for video games?

“You’re staring again,” he peered back up at you. “At me this time.”

“Sorry…” you mumbled.

Nagi isn’t an idiot, most would go as far as to call in a genius. But sometimes…

“What’s wrong?” He said, finally closing his game and turning his phone off, giving you his full attention.

Sometimes, you wish he was somewhat of an idiot.

“Don’t you ever feel like… restrained?” You finally let go of some of the words you’ve been holding back

“Restrained…? That doesn’t make any sense… why would I-“

“I feel like I’m holding you back, no.” You’re voice cracks. “I know I’m holding you back.”

Nagi’s eyes widen a bit in confusion, not sure where this was going. He couldn’t think of a single time he felt like you were holding him back, so where was this coming from?

“If what you’re trying to say is that you’re burdening me, then you’re wrong.” He stated. “I dunno where this is coming from… but you aren’t holding me back.”

“But you were so serious during the U-20 match! And you looked so focussed and like you were enjoying yourself and…” words flew off your tongue faster than you could catch them, and before you knew it, Nagi’s hand made its way to yours.

“(Name).” You’re vision was blurry, and all you could make out was Nagi’s lazy eyes fixated on yours. “(Name), need you to look at me.”

“I’m looking- I’m trying to look- Nagi…” tears spilt out the corner of your eyes, and broken sobs made their way past your lips.

Your racing thoughts, his voice, your anxiety, his touch… it was too much to keep up with. The overwhelming feeling in your mind and chest felt like it was about to burst.

And even then, you still felt like you were burdening him. Even as he held your hand and gently rubbed circles along your back, trying to give you all the reassurance he could, it still felt like you were holding him back.

“You aren’t a burden… and you aren’t holding me back. You aren’t one of those bitchy lovers that don’t want their partner to leave the house without them. You’re (Name), my (Name). I love you for a reason.” He said quietly into your ear, patting your back as you sobbed into his shoulder.

For a moment after he said that, you still felt like a burden. But the more he soothed you and whispered sweet nothings into your ear, the slower your racing thoughts became.

“You swear I’m not holding you back?” You asked quietly.

“I swear.” Nagi replied softly.

His voice sounded sincere, maybe even serious. And everyone knows that once Nagi gets serious he’s not playing games.

While your mind told you there’s a difference between sincerity and being serious, your heart yearned too much to care about any differences between the meanings.

As long as Nagi caressed you in his arms, sincerity and seriousness were all the same to you.

[queenofthegalaxxy]

//For the random kiss meme ;3

Blackfire had taken up residence in his place of residence since she had mentioned to him that she didn't really have a permanent place to stay here on earth since she wasn't exactly on excellent terms with her younger sister Starfire, and from all that Blackfire had told him about her, he could easily see why. Despite most of the upper structure being destroyed, the place was still perfectly inhabitable Regardless, he didn't really mind, besides, at this point, he had gotten very much used to the Tameranian's company, so much, that it would almost feel strange not having her next to him wherever he went.

At first, she was nothing more than someone that was going to help him with his plans, and him, offering to do the same regarding her sister and whatever she would have planned, but that partnership, was seemingly becoming much more than professional, maybe even personal.

They sat at the table with take-out thanks to some money they had stolen from a bank, they were helping themselves with burgers, something Vergil hadn't had in a very long time. With most of their food now gone, Vergil was sipping his drink through the straw as he listened to Blackfire talk suggest the next place they'd eventually seek out and rob next. As Vergil set down his drink, for whatever reason, he suddenly found himself becoming lost in Blackfire's purple unearthly eyes, it was almost hypnotizing.

Without warning, this sudden urge overcame him, next thing he knew, the half-devil had leaned in, locking lips with Blackfire for a moment, as sudden as it was he didn't really feel any resistance from her, after a few seconds, Vergil slowly pulled back, only now realized what he'd just done.

[{ 🗡️ }] - "..My apologies.. I was.. lost in your eyes.." He whispers, his tone soft and quiet.

Come into my inbox and give my muse a kiss for any reason!

[[Thank you for sending one! :3]]

This was all still rather new. Staying at a place longer, having another person around so much of the time, doing multiple 'missions' together one after another without just leaving for another planet and some other company for a while... it was all still new, yes, but it was also something she was getting used to. It was fun to hang out with Vergil, they were doing pretty well whenever they had a goal, everything just was so smooth and kinda perfect while they were together.

She couldn't wait for the time to come that they would exact revenge on Starfire together, but also... it wasn't bad to just spend some time together. Quite the contrary.

Blackfire was just thinking while watching him, until she noticed how he seemed focussed on her stare in return too, and then leaned over. They connected for a good few moments, and although it didn't really come expected, Blackfire enjoyed it thoroughly. She blinked at him when they parted, and to his words was quick to smile again.

"You're more than welcome to get lost some more with me," she hummed, before closing the distance between them again.