#this time the brain is super anxious about the fact I invited myself into a possible outing two friends decided-

[contagious-addiction]

Shout out to anxiety making me dislike myself today weeeeeee

[dreambunnynotes]

daily reflection: nov. 16th ❤︎

good morning lovely friends! here is what i accomplished and what i could have improved today, to hold myself accountable. it was really effective for me to know that i had posted my goals list on tumblr yesterday where others could see it; whenever i felt like giving in to my adhd brain that tells me that tasks are to be feared, i would simply remember that i had kind folks online who were interested in seeing me succeed hehe, it helped me so much! here is my first day ❤︎

accomplishments:

i completed all of my cleaning goals and more! it turned into a deeper clean than i thought it would be which felt really nice (and is usually how it goes once i get cleaning). it's so lovely to be able to start fresh with a clean working and sleeping space; it's so much easier to feel inspired, be productive, and take care of yourself when your environment is as ready for you as you are for it!

i wasn't going to complete all of my texting and calling tasks, BUT I DID! these types of tasks are the hardest for me to get done because i have pretty intense social anxiety and rejection sensitive dysphoria, and communicating with others both online and offline takes a lot of mental preparation and energy for me. but i did it, and i am so, so proud of myself! in fact...

self-compassion:

not only did i accomplish my original communication goals, i also ended up replying to two friends i hadn't seen in a long time, even though i was anxious! both of them were at my sister's show last night and i was so surprised to see them and a couple of other friends that i had to go have a bathroom cry from the anxiety lol. i had so many emotions coming up; the first was sadness and shame seeing that they had all come in a group together and that i wasn't with them. i joined them two seconds after i saw everyone, but the sadness was still there because i was positive they would have invited me into the group earlier if i had been less isolated this last year, which is where the guilt came in. i realized i had been isolating from my friends for so long out of fear that i wasn't wanted, didn't provide anything to them, and that maybe i didn't have people i liked being around after all, but that is so, so far from the truth; i do have friends who love me and who i love, and all of them were so loving, so kind, and actually sent me messages after the show telling me how much they loved me and how happy they were to see me! it made me cryyyy and feel so many feelings. i have plans to see them next week, and i actually feel like i'm overcoming my isolation era at long last; i'm really proud of myself for having self-compassion and using tools i've learned in therapy to better my life! :')

my next step is to learn more about and overcome this shame i have around letting my friends love me for who i am; the only way to learn more about it is to actually make plans to see friends and be vulnerable; wish me luck 😭💗

improvements to make:

as for my other tasks; i cleaned out one of my emails, but i have so many email accounts that it felt a little bit lacklustre to call that an accomplishment. today i'd like to break down how big the task of consolidating my digital life will actually be so that i can take measurable and consistent steps towards completing my goal (writing that sentence is baffling me right now - bunny from a few days ago never would have realized how much writing out her goals could help her in being less afraid of them! this feels like a huge accomplishment for my adhd brain!)

today felt like a really successful day, and i'm super proud of myself! this was only the beginning of what i actually want to accomplish in a day, but it was such a great way to try it out. i'm excited to see where this journey takes me and how these daily checklists and reflections will affect my productivity; they already have helped so much! if you've made it to the end of this, thank you for taking the time to read about my day, it means so much to me! lets try our best to have another successful day! ❤︎

[moonflowerchanniesgirl]

Curses and Blessings

Pairing: idol chan x reader

Genre: Drabble, slightly spicy, best friend seonghwa, forward chan,

Warning: anxious reader? Curse words, reader wants to fuck chan that's the whole story lol, indecent thoughts

Summary: You’re backstage reading the script with Chan but you can only really focus on wanting to fuck him. You really gotta be a professional and keep your feelings to yourself but can you really?

Word Count: 1k

Authors note: this is not an accurate representation of stray kids but an interpretation based on an idea that stems from them.

Just a short thought I had while working on some longer stories lol, enjoy. If any good smut writers want to take this and write a smut for it be my guest.

You cursed every single star in existence for everything that was happening at this exact moment. For the fact that you were invited as one of the hosts for this award ceremony, the fact that your cohost was Bangchan of Stray Kids, the fact that the two of you were the only ones in the waiting room at the moment, the fact that he was so handsome in just a black hoodie and black shorts as he read over his notes, the fact that you had neglected to bring a jacket and the ac for all of backstage was on super high and the fact that Bangchan was not just super handsome, he was a gentleman that noticed your obvious discomfort.

“You sure you don’t want my hoodie?” He asked for the third time as you failed to cover up another obvious shiver.

“No I’m fine,” you flashed him as professional a smile as you could. You needed to be professional because you could not reveal what you wanted to do indecent things with the man ever since you happened to watch the Wolfgang performance on Kingdom. You had a thing for strong arms and wonderful abs and the fact that he was such a nice gentleman? Perfect combo known as your ideal type. But you were here in a professional setting not here to tell him that you wanted him to fuck your brains out. You thanked your amazing willpower for only thinking about how much you wanted him to bend you over the table a few times.

“It really would be no bother, I’m a bit hot anyway,” he began unzipping his hoodie but you quickly held your hand up. 

“No really I’m perfectly fine BangChan-sshi,” you were barely holding yourself together as it was, how on earth would you survive if he was wearing short sleeves? How would you hold yourself together if you were surrouned by his scent when already the few sniffs you had gotten when you two stood close had you squeezing your thighs together?

“You can just call me Chan or Chris comfortably,” he told you for the second time that night. The first you had semi-ignored with a smile and a nod.

“I’d prefer Bangchan-sshi if that’s alright,” you said and you regretted it the moment you noticed the frown on his face. 

“Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?” 

“No, not at all!”

“You just seem to jump every time I move even a little bit and you’re obviously freezing but won’t take a hoodie. If I make you uncomfortable I can go get a manager or a member of staff to sit with us?” It broke your heart for him to think that he was the problem so the next words out your mouth were….not your best.

“I‘ve been holding myself back from telling you that I want to fuck you since you’ve walked in so, of course, I can’t take your hoodie,” you blurted out before you quickly stood up. His mouth was wide open in an oh shape and you felt sick to your stomach about how he probably thought about you. “Excuse me,” you squeaked out as you ran out of the room as fast as you could.

You had no idea where you were going but you just needed to not be in front of Chan as he processed what you just told him. Luckily, you spotted your best friend Seonghwa in the hallway on his phone.

“Hwa!” You cried out and he turned his head up and immediately opened his arms for you to dive in.

“What happened to you?” He asked as he patted you on the back.

“Just fucked up majorly,” you whimpered into his chest and you felt him push you slightly off to look at your face. You felt how hot your face was and could only imagine how red you were.

“Mess up a line?” He asked, confusion clear in his voice.

“So much worse,” you cringed as you thought about what you said.

“Finally told Bangchan you want to fuck him?” The look on your face must have given the answer away as he then gasped and said, “no way!” You told Seonghwa everything, including your little issue of self control over thoughts of Bangchan and while it was embarrasing that he knew, at least you wouldn’t have to explain yourself.

“He thought he made me uncomfy so I kinda just blurted out I wanted to fuck him,” you once again dived into Hwa’s chest.

“And what did he say back?”

“Nothing, he just stared at me with his mouth open like I was crazy. How the fuck am I supposed to face him let alone host with him?” You wanted the ground to just open up and swallow you whole. Already in your brain, you were forming plans to maybe break your leg and get out of hosting when Hwa suddenly got very stiff.

“You're going to have to think of something pretty quick,” he whispered in your ear.

“Why?” You asked in a whisper not quite sure why you both were suddenly whispering.

“He’s walking down the hall clearly looking for you,” Hwa whispered back and now it was your turn to stiffen up.

“Hide me before he sees me!” You whisper shouted in panic.

“Little too late for that.”

“Hi Seonghwa,” you heard Chan say almost directly behind you. You still had your head in Hwa’s chest and couldn’t bring yourself to move to face Chan.

“Hi Chan Hyung,” you heard Hwa say with what you imagined as a strained grin on his face. 

“We need to get back to the dressing room to practice our lines,” Chan said simply and you were scared to pull away from Hwa but at the end of the day, you had your professional duties to attend to.

“Alright,” you said as you loosened your grip around Hwa and stared down at the floor to see Chan’s boots. Something black was thrust towards you and you looked to see that it was Chan holding up his hoodie. 

“Take the hoodie, it's quite chilly,” he said while you just stared at the article of clothing with confusion. With a sigh, Chan moved to place the hoodie over your shoulders and the warm vanilla scent enveloped your body. He then started pushing you from behind as he let out a cheerful, “bye Seonghwa, good luck on the performance later!”  And you heard Hwa let out a very confused “bye” back.

Chan had essentially pushed you back into the waiting room before your brain managed to restart and you hastily jumped a little bit away from him. The scent that surrounded your body made you a bit dizzy in the best way possible but the situation itself was more dizzying.

“Bangchan-sshi, the hoodie, I- what I said earlier,” you stammered to form complete sentences while Chan chuckled and closed the door. You finally looked at his face and he had such a wide grin on his face as he moved closer to you while you moved back.

Your back hit the wall and he placed his hands on the wall on either side of you and trapped you in position.

“You don’t have to explain anything as long as you just tell me what you want,” he said as he leaned close enough for you to feel his breath on your face.

“What I want?”

“Yeah, what have you wanted to do since I walked in the door?”

“I wanted to fuck you,” you answered honestly mostly from the shock. Chan let out a laugh as he leaned in closer so that his lips ghosted over your ear.

“Good because thats what I want too.”

[gummy-axolotl]

CW: Vent

I feel like such a burden for existing sometimes. Like people don't like it when I'm around. If I don't get constant reassurance that people like me and stuff, then I get super anxious and start feeling really bad. It's so stupid too, because it implies that I think my friends are bad people who are lying about wanting me around. I know they're my friends, I know they love me. But my brain keeps telling me that it's all a lie. Anytime I do anything slightly awkward all I can think about is how annoying I am. How much everyone must think I'm stupid. Why are you even here, who invited you. I hate it so much. I know for a fact it isn't true. I know that nobody is mad at me. I just can't believe it sometimes. No matter what I do. And I often ask for validation, saying "Hey, just checking, nobody here is mad at me or hates me or finds me annoying right?" But I feel like when I do that, it's even more annoying because I'm making everything about me. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just laugh off the mistake? Why can't I accept that people aren't going to hate me and block me and leave me just for a bad joke or incorrect timing or whatever. I obsess over everything all the time. I focus on one thing and I can't stop and I wish I could. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was just normal for once. I hate it. I try to love myself but as soon as the thought enters my head that a friend or someone I respect might have even the slightest of negative feelings towards me I break down and think about it for hours and it's so exhausting. I'm so so sorry guys. I'm sorry for being annoying and obsessive and anxious. It isn't your fault and I'm sorry I'm so needy for validation and attention at all times. I'm sorry.

[duskspring]

Ghost Mutals Tag Game 🦇 Send this to the last ten Ghesties in your notifications, then reply here with ten facts about yourself! Let's get to know each other!

My introduction post is admittedly very vague so I like getting to share some random tidbits here! Thank you anon :)

1. My first, let’s call it, attempt at fanfiction was for Yandere Simulator (HUGE yikes in hindsight. Even bigger yikes to the fact that I was probably 13 at that time). I only ever wrote like two chapters but it was very exciting

2. I had many different kinds of music classes as a kid; guitar, keyboard, violin, vocals. Nowadays I cannot play a single instrument and my singing voice is terrible

3. I have a pet snake named Charizard

4. Besides Ghost my interests are mostly FNAF, Pokémon and Miffy. But Ghost is definitely the most active one in my brain

5. I’ve practiced many different sports throughout my life (the ADHD dictated I had to keep switching); gymnastics, track and field, a kind of defense class that I don’t remember the name of, parkour and most recently pole dancing

6. I have made a few short films in my life and though I enjoy the process of making, it’s not something I’m super ambitious about

7. My favorite art style, specifically in painting, is romanticism. My favorite painting is ‘Romantic Encounter’ by Mihály Zichy

8. I’m currently not in school and have no plans of going back there

9. I made a cardboard cutout of myself once, just because I felt like it. It currently hangs on my bedroom door, stuck to an upside down cardboard cross

10. Dramatic drawn out sigh I’m ~158cm/5’2”

If you have any questions about me, feel free to ask!

Also I’m too anxious to actually tag people, but if you wanna share something about yourself take this as your invitation.

[mysticpetals]

Sorry for bothering you, but I had another idea! :D If you don't mind me sending two requests, how about a headcanon (or imagine if you want, you can choose what you like best) where Jake will meet MC's parents and he is super nervous because he is afraid of what they will think of him and if they knew that he is a hacker. But when Jake and MC arrive at her parents' house, they are quite different than Jake thought.

I'm sooooo sorry that this is super late but life got in the way and I just couldn't bring myself to write. And when I did have the time, I was almost ashamed of how long it had been and delayed it even further.

So this is me, finally writing what I should have done months ago. Thank you so much for your patience!!! ❤️

Jake and f!MC headcannons

(meeting the parents)

There aren't a lot of things that phase Jake

In fact, he's seen so much over the years he was on the run, done some illegal things too

But nothing and he meant nothing, could terrify him more than when his girlfriend told him that her parents had invited them over to have dinner together the next week

"next week? Like....like seven days later?"

"yes." she nodded and his brain short circuited.

"oh my god, oh my god."

MC amused herself by looking at Jake panicking about it for a few minutes and then grabbed his shoulders and made him look at her

"relax, babe. You don't have to. I can tell them that you're busy or something."

Jake calmed down for a moment but then he noticed the sad smile on MC's face

And he doesn't like seeing her sad

At all.

So despite his nervousness, he steeled himself to do this

"why don't we go? I think it'll be fun."

MC's face was priceless.

Shocked beyond belief, she cupped his face in her hands and leaned forward, eyes wide

"are you sure, honey? You don't have to force yourself."

She looked so hopeful and excited to hear his answer

And they had been dating for a while. So it was only natural that they meet each other's families

And since MC had already pretty much met his (only the people he considered as one!), it wouldn't be fair if he didn't make an effort too

"yes. We should go," he smiled and MC squealed excitedly, pressing a quick kiss to his lips

"oh my gosh, I'm so excited!! I'll go call them right now!!"

:))))

Did he make the right decision?

Wellllll, standing in front of MC's house, he was sweating profusely

He had worn his best outfit, a white button up shirt and black jeans

And they had already been late because MC liked his look a little too much

Anyway!!!

He was anxious about making the best impression and he really hoped that they wouldn't be put off by his shyness

Or his profession

About which they didn't know

It's fine it's fine it's fine—

MC's hand slips into his, she gives him a soft smile and the world around them fades away

"I'll be with you the whole time. Tell me if it becomes too much."

Jake swears he's never been more in love

Okay, he can do this!! Absolutely!!

He nods resolutely and MC leads them to her parent's doorstep

Jake's heart is pounding but he's ready

The door opens and he's immediately engulfed in a bone crushing hug

He thinks he can't breath and he looks at MC with wide eyes, asking what to do and she just rolls her eyes in fond exasperation

"really feeling the love here, dad. Not like your daughter is here."

And the weight immediately lifts off of him and turns towards his girlfriend who is laughing as her father hugs her to himself

She squeezes him tight in return and Jake feels himself smile

"it's been too long. I wish you'd come by more. And Jake! Welcome home, son!"

Jake is flabbergasted by the warm welcome. Especially coming from MC's father.

Aren't fathers supposed to threaten the boyfriend?

The flashcards he used to prepare for today did not cover this

"Um, thank you," he stammers out somehow and the man laughs

"My daughter here did say you were shy but no matter! Come on in, I won't bite."

He led them inside and Jake just knew that MC was enjoying all this a little too much judging by the amused tilt of her lips

He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw a stern woman sitting on the couch, watching them walk in

"mom! How have you been?"

MC immediately went in for a hug while the older woman kept staring at him and MC's father leaned close to him and whispered

"She's a tough cookie to crack. Good luck, son."

He was so screwed

Jake gulped and watched the smallest of smiles cross her lips as she regarded her daughter, who was talking excitedly

"and this is Jake! My boyfriend!"

Jake literally felt the temperature inside the room drop, when her mother looked him in the eyes

"h-hello ma'am."

She nodded at him and well, that meant she acknowledged who he was, right?

She immediately turned away from him and started asking her daughter how she had been

Well, apparently not

"sorry, Jake. She's not trying to exclude you. She's just....a little hard around the edges."

He appreciated MC's dad because at least one parent didn't seem to hate him

"I appreciate that, sir."

He looked horrified at being called sir

"please don't call me that. Makes me feel old. Call me dad!"

Jake was once again astounded by the man's openness and not wanting to offend him, nodded hesitantly

He smiled widely and Jake was immediately reminded of MC's face when she laughed

"that's more like it! Come on now, the ladies shouldn't be left alone, they'll talk the night away."

MC smiled as soon as Jake entered in the kitchen where both the women were cooking and bringing out the cutlery

"had a nice chat, you two?" MC asked and her father nodded enthusiastically

"I like him! He's very nice, I approve."

"you've known him for two seconds." MC's mom deadpans and Jake smiles nervously

"can I help you with anything ma'am?"

She appraises him for a few moments and then nods

"then please help MC set the table."

Jake literally sighs in relief when the two of them come out from the kitchen

"your mom is scary."

MC laughs and pinches his cheek

"only because you look terrified of her. She enjoys making you squirm."

"well I almost wet myself because she looked at me like I murdered her dog or something"

MC laughs loudly and her father pokes his head out of the kitchen

"alright you two?"

Jake fights off the blush he knows he's sporting and prays that neither of her parents heard what he had said

Table was set quickly, with MC telling Jake about her childhood memories and her parents brought out the food

Jake thought he might have seen MC's mother smile when he made MC laugh but he wasn't sure

Dinner was a loud affair, with MC and her dad competing about who remembers the most about MC's childhood and Jake and her mother listening quietly

He definitely knew where MC got her charisma from

MC's dad was sweet to include Jake in their conversation, addressing him directly and asking him about his own experiences

He slowly found himself relaxing in their presence and telling them about his own hobbies and pet cat

MC's mother gave an approving nod at his choice of pet and asked him to bring him along the next time

Next time

Jake's brain short circuited at the thought that she wanted Jake to come over again

Does that mean tonight was successful?

"so Jake, you didn't say what you do for a living."

Ahhh

Well, it had to go wrong somewhere, right?

Jake froze and looked to MC to see her in a similar state and immediately deduced that she had not told them about his profession

Well

He knew this was going to come up eventually

"I'm a hacker."

Pin drop silence

You couldn't even hear anyone breath over the quietness

MC's mother put down her spoon slowly and opened her mouth to say something but Jake interrupted her before that

"I know you might think it's not a respectful job but it's what makes me happy. And MC supports me every step of the way and I promise you that I'll do everything in my power to honor her confidence in me. Keeping her safe and happy and healthy is my priority and I'll give my all to make sure that she's never unhappy with me."

Everyone at the table looked at him, MC with tears in her eyes and her father looking very proud

Her mother's expression was still unreadable until she smiled at him

The first smile directed at him

"I was going to say that's very interesting. I myself work in cyber security so I've had dealings with hackers. I've found that they're usually very polite."

What

The

Fuck

Jake blinked slowly and MC shifted guiltily in her seat

"haha what a coincidence, right?" She smiled nervously and her dad picked up quickly at her hint

"oh definitely! Why don't you two talk about work stuff and MC and I can clear up the table?"

MC and her father practically fly out of the dining room and Jake and her mom are the only ones left

It was MC's mother who initiated the conversation this time and Jake replied to her questions

He found it quite pleasant to be honest

It was not a regular occurrence that he could chat with someone who knew about computers so this was a nice change

And MC's mom was quite knowledgeable

She even offered to hire him the next time her company had a need of someone to check their software

Jake had no problem agreeing to her wish

He found that she was actually a very kind but fair woman who loved her family dearly, judging by the way she spoke of MC and her father

His heart warmed to know that MC had grown up in such a loving household, even if his heart gave a twinge at never having felt something akin to parental affection

"okay, you two. I think that's enough chatting for today," MC's father said and Jake looked at the time

Holy shit

How is it so late??

MC gave him a discreet thumbs up behind her mother's back and he had to stifle a laugh

"as much as we loved having you two, you should probably get going if you want to reach the city before midnight."

The goodbyes were a little sad and Jake found himself getting a bit emotional too

He really felt like he belonged here and not like an outsider

And MC's parents are so nice and inclusive

No he did not cry

Not at all

To Jake's surprise, MC's mom pulls him into a hug

"take care of my daughter."

And then he's getting roped into another hug, this one much tighter by her dad

"you hurt her, I'll kill you."

And when he stepped back, he was smiling as usual and Jake almost thought that he imagined his words

Anyway!!!

They are in the car and MC is already planning their next trip

And before he would have been scared but now, after spending time with her family, he knew he had found people worth considering his family

[maybedefinitely404]

The Boy who Sings Next Door, Pt 1

Genre: just-out-of-college AU

Pairings: Pre-romantic/romantic Prinxiety, pre-romantic Logicality

Content: general anxiety/allusions to past panic attacks, (it’s Virgil, c’mon), food mentions, a lil yappy puppy, Hamilton songs (it’s Roman, c’mon), just the boys being super gay. 

Word count: 2.6k

Comments: I’ve been in a bit of a funk (not the good kind of funk) recently, and this is the only thing I’ve been able to churn out during it. It will have a part two, don’t worry. Gotta get that good Prinxiety content.

Comments (the sequel): This took almost a week to write due to said funk, so I apologize for any inconsistency that appears. I have edited this as much as my brain let me, so it should be good.

Virgil hadn’t lived there for long. In fact, it was just nearing the one month anniversary of the day his two roommates and him had moved into the townhouse complex on the grungier side of town. They were still getting to know the house; the basement Virgil swore was haunted, the crudely attached cabinets that Patton very nearly pulled down every time the shorter man had to climb the counter to reach the top shelf, and especially the upstairs bathroom’s shower that would become scalding hot if someone flushed a toilet while it was running. Janus’ shriek was something Virgil wished he could have recorded on camera. 

Meeting his new neighbours was still a fear he had to get over. Patton had already introduced himself to all of them (on the first day living there, with cookies, nonetheless), and was eagerly awaiting the day when Virgil would give the ‘okay’ to invite some of them over for dinner. He was especially excited about the man who lived to their left, a professor at the university across town that Patton claimed he had clicked with.

“A professor? How old is he?”

“He looked like he was our age!”

“A professor who’s twenty two?”

“Well… maybe he’s really smart! Or has a great skincare routine!”

Despite Patton’s obvious infatuations with the guy, Virgil was hesitant to meet him. He’d already had a less than promising accidental run in with the old man living on their right, incited by Janus parking in the wrong spot and poor Virgil being the one to open the door to the screaming neighbor. It had taken him twenty minutes to calm down from that panic attack. But after too many rounds of Patton’s puppy eyes, Virgil gave in. 

“Only the one guy though, and I get to have a code word in case I need to leave.”

“Okay! What’s the code word?”

“I don’t know. You pick.”

“Tiddylicious?”

“SHUT THE HELL UP, JANUS!”

Surprisingly, Virgil didn’t have to use the code word (which was not tiddylicious). Logan was a pretty great guy, if slightly lacking in the ‘emoting’ department. Patton and him got on like fire in a library, and his roommates happy wiggles the whole night was probably what gave the anxious man the bravado to stick through it. Janus even had the decency to make some honest conversation, which was a first for him. Logan eventually mentioned the fact that he had a dog, and the conversation immediately derailed into Patton squealing over the pictures he showed him. They took this as the opportunity to sneak away from the two, giving them the space they obviously needed. Gross. 

There was a line stretching across Logan’s backyard; a red cable that connected to his deck and reached to the fence on the opposite side. From this cord hung a pink leash, and to this pink leash, Logan attached his dog several times a day. Virgil didn’t know what the signal was for them, but every couple of hours, the sliding door would screech open and the dog would run to the gate closing off the porch, waiting impatiently until Logan clipped on the leash and let it run onto the lawn. The first time the small dog saw Virgil on his phone in the shade of his roof, it immediately took this as a grave act of terrorism and began to yap so loud that Virgil screamed. Logan quickly came back out, explaining that while his pup may have the intimidation factor of a stuffed animal, she thought all the grass of her yard and of the adjoining houses was hers to protect, even if the terrier was just about the size of a decent Thanksgiving turkey. A few head scratches later, and the two decently bonded, enough that she wouldn’t throw a hissy fit every time he sat on his porch.

That’s where he was now, half asleep in a lawn chair with one earbud in, when the tell tale squeak of Logan’s sliding door startled him from his rest. He reached up lazily and popped out his music, smiling slightly at the prospect of another conversation with Logan. Despite their age difference (it wasn’t all that much, but just enough that he got confused stares from the elder when he mentioned the prospect of ‘stealing someone’s kneecaps’), they were starting to become good friends. His hand froze, however, as he heard a voice that was very much not Logan’s coming from the man’s deck.

“Dear Alexander, 

I am slow to anger,

But I, tow the line,

As I reckon with the offense of your,

Life on mine.”

And if Virgil said he didn’t immediately feel butterflies at the soft lilting of the deep voice, he would be lying. He shrunk back into his shirt, hoping the other wouldn’t glance over the short bush between them and see his blushing face. Even if he wasn’t infatuated with whoever was letting Logan’s dog out, it wasn’t like him to try and meet someone new.

The screen door shut with a loud whap and the dog pulled at the red cord as hard as she possibly could, trying to get free pets from Virgil. He obliged, but made sure to duck back to his side as soon as the door reopened. 

“Raise a glass to freedom,

Something they can never take away,

No matter what they tell you.”

He lurched back into his own house at the sound of that gorgeous voice, slamming the sliding door and consequently scaring the hell out of Patton.

“Sorry,” he said quickly, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“What’s gotten you in such a hullabaloo?” Patton squinted from his table of crafting supplies, where it looked like he was putting together more pages for his scrapbook.

“I’m gay.”

“Ah,” The older man scrunched his eyebrows together, setting down his glue stick, “For Logan…?”

“No! Logan’s yours, don’t worry,” he ignored Patton’s indignant spluttering and blushing, satisfied that he wasn’t the only disaster gay in the room now, “Someone else is at his house.”

“Someone cute?” He was suddenly very interested in his book, trying to hide his red cheeks.

“I don’t know.”

“Then why are you in gay mode?”

“His voice.”

“His voice?”

“Quit laughing at me!” Virgil snarled non aggressively, refusing to meet Patton’s bright eyes.

“I’m not, I swear!” Patton giggled nonetheless, “It’s cute! I’ll have to hear it for myself sometime.” Virgil huffed, despite his growing smile, and went to his room, too overwhelmed to wait outside for the voice again, no matter how much his heart wanted to.

A couple days later, Patton showed up in his open doorway (it was his attempt to be less antisocial, and it made his housemates happy) grinning like a child who’d just gotten a puppy.

“I just talked to Logan-”

“Oh?” Virgil smirked, closing his laptop in favor of tea.

“Oh, shush. He just said during the summer, he has these fancy shmancy teaching seminars every weekend just out of town.”

“So?”

“Sooo…” Patton wiggled a little, sticking his tongue between his teeth, “When he’s not home, his brother watches Gremmy!”

“Gremmy?”

“How do you not know the puppy’s name? And also, you’re focusing on the wrong part of the sentence! His brother is going to be there every weekend, all summer!” 

Virgil tried to digest the butterflies that exploded in his gut, failing to hide his reappearing blush. “So? We don’t even know if he’s our age, or if he’s into guys.”

Patton dropped his gaze, sucking his lips into his mouth in a vain attempt to smother his smile. 

“Patton?”

“He’s our age and he’s into guys,” He squeaked. 

“You asked?!”

“It came up naturally!”

“How?!”

“Not important!” He was full on beaming now, hopping on his toes. “You should totally talk to him next weekend!”

“No. Nope. Not happening.”

The following Friday, Virgil found himself sitting on his deck under the roof, scrolling aimlessly through Tumblr, and it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he happened to see a new car pull into Logan’s spot thirty minutes after the man left. Nothing like that at all. He sipped absentmindedly on the lemonade Patton had brought him with a cheeky look on his face, trying not to think about the fact that the angel voiced man was right next door. And his heart absolutely did not begin to pound when the tell tale screeching of the screen door sounded.

This time, music accompanied the man’s singing as he hooked the dog, Gremmy, onto her leash.

“Angelica,

Eliza,

And Peggy,

The Schuyler sisters,

Angelica (Peggy) Eliza (Work!)”

Even if Virgil had only heard his voice once, it seemed fitting that he was trying to sing every part, altering slightly to nail the voice changes of every character. He curled up a little more in his chair as the man followed Gremmy out onto the lawn, music still pumping from his phone.

“Daddy said to be home by sundown,

Daddy doesn’t need to know,

Daddy said not to go downtown,

Like I said, you’re free to go.”

Virgil couldn’t breathe, but that was the heat’s fault. It definitely wasn’t caused by the gorgeous man now dancing in small circles on the grass, dog jumping at his feet as he laughed along to the music. The sudden warmth in his face was caused by the sun, not the toned muscle of the man’s arms, or the way his much too loose muscle tee showed off his tan, or how his light brown hair flopped over his eyes when he bent down to pick up a stick from the ground. All while singing; just carelessly enjoying himself. 

“Angelica, remind me what we’re looking for?

(She’s looking for me!)

Eliza, I’m looking for a mind at work (work),

I’m looking for a mind at work (work),

I’m looking for a mind at work (work),

Woah, woah, woah, woah, work!”

The harmonies were too much, his voice flawlessly adding a fourth harmony where there wasn’t in the song. Virgil jumped like a spooked cat, fleeing into the house and drawing the curtains shut hurriedly. He knew the other man had probably heard the door slam, but that wasn’t his main concern right now. 

“Gay panic?” 

Virgil spun around to see Janus, all too bemused, sipping Gatorade out of a wine glass. The man’s sense of class would not be affected by the time of day. “Gay panic,” He confirmed weakly, sliding down the wall, “He’s hot.”

“Let me see.”

“Janus, no, what are you doing?!” 

The taller man pulled the curtain aside, humming under his breath. “Oh yeah, he is hot.”

“Jan, stop!” He hissed, trying to tug Janus’ arm down from the curtain without being seen.

“Oh, he’s waving at me.”

“WHAT?!”

“Can I wave back?”

“NO!” 

Janus waved back, kicking Virgil lightly out of sight. “Let go of my sleeve, fucker.”

Virgil did, booking it upstairs as soon as Janus dropped the curtain. He flopped onto his bed with a groan that was almost loud enough to be a shriek, swearing to himself to not go outside for the rest of the weekend. And to kill Janus later. He did leave his window open though, but not because he wanted to keep hearing the snippets of song that floated up to his room every time the sliding glass next door opened. Not at all. 

Virgil hated that he ended up counting down the days until Friday, and that he couldn’t tear himself away from the window until he arrived. Responding to his housemates giggles and stares with a quick flip of the bird, he took his usual spot on the deck. Because the weather was nice, and he needs a tan. No other reason. Not that he would say out loud, anyways.

He didn’t have to wait long until the door scratched open and a calm, almost haunting melody reached his ears. He’s singing along to a track again, mixing in harmonies that send shivers up Virgil’s spine.

“I saved every letter you wrote me,

From the moment I read them I knew you were mine,

You said you were mine,

I thought you were- Shit, Gremmy, no, get back here!”

Virgil jolted upright as twenty pounds of fluff landed in his chest, paws digging into his sternum. The dog looked up at him with, dare he say, smug eyes? He ran a hand through the fur on her back, holding her collar with one hand in case she decided to bolt again.

“I am so sorry! She wormed out of the gate before I got the leash on her!”

He looked up from the dog and holy hell oh my god he’s way hotter up close. Never before in his life had he wished for Patton’s bubbliness or Janus’ general aloofness, but now he would rather have any personality trait besides anxious because oh god the hottest guy he’d ever met is staring at him and he has no idea what to say.

“Well, good thing she likes me, or you’d be down a dog.” What the hell was that?

Surprisingly, the other man laughed, folding his arms across his chest. “What, you don’t think I’d be able to catch her?”

“In all honesty, probably not.”

“How dare you!” He gasped, holding a hand to his chest dramatically, “I’ll have you know Gremmy loves me!”

“I’m sure that’s why she booked it as soon as she had the chance.” He extended the dog almost comically, her too short legs waving frantically in his grip. The man took her with a murmur of thanks, giving her a stern look that made Virgil snicker. A part of him was slightly shocked that someone related to Logan could be so… relaxed. The older man seemed held together purely by stress and logic, never without a collared shirt and tie, and he would definitely never be seen in the plain white v-neck this guy was wearing really well.

“So, you’re Logan’s brother?” Where the hell was this courage coming from?!

“Yup. You know him?” 

“About as well as I know any of my neighbors. So, barely. But he’s close with my roommate.”

The man’s expression turned to glee as he shifted the dog in his arms. She seemed unhappy being held when there were birds to be chased, but her struggle was lazy. “Patton, right? I’ve heard a lot about him.”

“Oh?”

He hummed happily, fiddling with Gremmy’s collar. “It’s about time Logan found someone who makes him happy. We never really understood each other when it comes to interacting with other people. He’s more secluded nerd, and I’m more…” He trailed off, waving his fingers under the dog cluelessly.

“More theatre nerd?” Virgil guessed, pleased with the way the man’s eyebrows flew up.

“How’d you guess that?”

“You’ve been singing a different Hamilton song every time you’ve taken the dog out.”

Instead of looking embarrassed or upset like Virgil would definitely be in his situation, he seemed to puff up more, almost delighted.

“Ah, I thought I had an audience! That was you?”

Virgil could feel his face turning beet red, much to his chagrin. This was it, this was the moment he died. Let the earth open up and swallow him whole, his little pride had been too wounded to continue. The man took his silence as answer enough, seemingly pleased with the reaction.

“I’m Roman,” The man grinned, holding out his hand. He took it hesitantly, the touch sending a shock up his spine that he was barely able to suppress.

“Virgil.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Virgil.”

He couldn’t help the authentic smile that tugged on his lips as they shook hands, Gremmy dangling from Roman’s other arm like a football.

“You too, Roman.”

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Reading up again on covert narcissism has been really helping me explain some things about my trauma and about my mom’s behavior. Like, I knew she was a covert narcissist, but I’d forgotten how tortuous the workings of a CN’s brain are. Some things I’ve realized, involving some quoting from the above source:

--They want you to feel a confusion between praise and shame, and to feel that you are less than them. It’s a combination of “How dare you achieve?!” and “But you’re still not as good as me.”

--Their praise contains negging. That’s why even when she complimented me, I never felt like I was good enough. Just like the time she read my dissertation and went, “It’s okay... bit dry.” She could always argue that I had myself said it was the more boring version of the dissertation, could argue that other things she had read of mine were better... But at the end of the day, I heard her intended message loud and clear: it’s not good enough.

--Her praise at required times (like telling me I did a good job after a school concert or something) always felt less sincere than my dad’s and I could never figure out why. Well, it’s because deep down she 1) resented that I did well, 2) resented that I had the attention in that situation, and 3) wanted to tear down my self esteem so I would see her as better than me, and so that she could more easily manipulate me in the future

--You can never do things well enough for them. They always have to do things better than you. That’s why I was never good enough at chores, especially cooking and dishwashing. That’s always why she came up with ridiculous reasons to be angry at me every time I brought her my credit card receipts. When she could no longer argue that I was spending too much or that I didn’t give her all the receipts, she began to complain that the receipts were slightly crumpled along one edge! HEAVEN FORBID!

--They refuse to acknowledge your accomplishments. They want you to KNOW they’re not impressed. ...This really explains why she intentionally (and uncharacteristically) tied up the phone line around the time I would finish defending my dissertation so that it was 45 minutes before I could get through to tell her I passed. Because she was jealous that I was getting a PhD and she wanted me to know how little my achievement meant to her. Her jealousy of my achievement was also why her worst abuse began the week I defended (and continued for three years afterward!)

--Mom used to argue that she thought well of my achievements by telling me how she was always bragging about me to her friends. Likewise, she would tell me constantly about how her friends said nice things about me to her. But these things were not about me: they were about HER. She was using MY qualities and achievements to build up HERSELF, not me. If these things had really been self-esteem building for ME she wouldn’t have said anythign about them, because she had a vested interest in me not thinking well of myself.

--I had an absolute COMPLEX about NEVER acknowledging my own achievements or qualities--to the point where I can’t take compliments or ring my own bell AT ALL because it feels SO WRONG--because the cardinal sin of our family is to think well of ourselves. We’re only supposed to think really well of HER.

--They want you to feel unimportant and small

--They want you to know they don’t care about your time or your feelings

--No one’s time, wants, or needs matter except their own

--I still get super anxious when my mom is upset about anything, because her feelings were always my problem. She expected me and everyone else to be entirely focused on her feelings when she was upset, so even if they weren’t my fault, I was made to feel that they were my fault.

--She apologized to me once for being so cold and unloving and cried at me. I said cried AT me because the only reason she was apologizing (because she’s PERFECT; why would she apologize for anyting??) was to make me feel guilty for suspecting her of being cold and unloving, and also to get attention and narcissistic supply from me as I comforted her (which I am proud to say, I did not do). She turned it from an issue of “daughter’s feelings were hurt; let’s focus on her” to “Mom is upset; let’s focus on HER”

--They demand you abide by their wishes. Even when they don’t express them to you. I was always expected to read her mind. The fact that I couldn’t was more evidence of how I wasn’t good enough.

--She forgot me at the bus stop once, and forgot REPEATEDLY to pick me up at school after practice. She had to walk a fine line between “i’m the perfect mother” and “i want you to know that you don’t matter to me/ how dare you require that i put myself out to pick you up?”

--they ostentatiously volunteer to show what a good person they are (teaching Sunday school, joining the library board, working for Christ Among Neighbors)

--she’s extra-sickening on Facebook. “Birthday blessings be upon you, (name)!” because she wants people to know how great she is

--they want to gaslight, manipulate, and confuse you in order to destabilize and manipulate you

--”You’re so sensitive”. Even though they’re obviously the most fragile ego in the room! they can take ANYTHING as an insult! you have to GROVEL to make them believe you’re saying something nice! (this is just a way to get you to say a lot of nice things about them)

--that time i told her i was feeling suicidal and she SIGHED and ROLLED HER EYES and said, “do you need to talk to somebody?” like I was ruining her evening. She wanted me to know how little she cared about my feelings while also saying just enough to have plausible deniability later if I told her her response hurt me (”but i tried to get you help! what do you MEAN my tone of voice was mean?? you always take things the wrong way. I think you hear insults where there aren’t any.”)

--They want you to feel that your emotions, which are inconvenient to THEM, are a negative part of your psyche and a reason that other people won’t like you. They want you to feel that they are in control of their emotions,and their emotions are always right, while yours are not.

--they make you feel small and stupid for needing emotional support. THEY’RE so independent! (except when you have to stroke their egos...)

--they ignore their “loved ones” (no wonder I felt so alone as a child. even now i’m DYING for attention. when other people get attention/praise for things i know i can do as well or better than them i’m TORN because i want other people to treat ME like that, but i can’t draw their attention to myself because that’s so WRONG. and also if i DO get their attention, then i can’t take the compliments anyway.)

--they don’t need to praise others because they’re so obviously superior!

--i was always uncomfortable when my mom sang. i always felt like she thought she was SO GOOD a singer, when she was only mediocre. it always felt icky to me listening to her sing or play the flute.

--they get angry when you’re sick. GOD, that explains SO MUCH. The time i kept nearly passing out and ended up just lying on the kitchen floor because every time i sat up i felt woozy again and i asked her to make me a sandwich because my low blood sugar was part of the problem and she was clearly ANGRY and COLD and didn’t say a WORD to me as she made me the sandwich. like, your daughter is unable to get off the floor, and beyond one, “are you okay” there’s absolutely NO care there. it’s no wonder i write so much hurt/comfort wherein someone is sick and the other person Notices and Cares for them... it’s wish fulfillment!

--they’re condescending.

--they forget about your requests on purpose. she’s always buying me just slightly the wrong thing for christmas and birthdays.

--i showed her some very artistic self-affirmations i wrote once and she started disagreeing with all the nice things i said about myself. because how dare i have self-esteem when SHE was there?

--they make people fight each other. kinda explains my brother and me and our undying enmity...

--they project their own issues onto you. that’s why she tells me i’m always so angry and that i hurt people a lot with my tone of voice. and that i’m oversensitive.

--they give you the silent treatment and make you beg and plead. 

--they never try to make you happy (or if they do, it’s only for show. like buyign you SLIGHTLY  the wrong thing, over and over again. plausible deniability. “i TRIED! i was being GENEROUS! how DARE you nitpick my presents!”)

--they intentionally ruin special days for you, especially birthdays. because they resent you being the center of attention. i remember the first time she let me have a birthday party with friends instead of older relatives (she always invited my aunts and uncles to my birthday parties instead of people my age because SHE wanted to be the center of attention at the parties, not me. the parties were for HER, not for me.) at this child’s birthday party, she organized all the games and ran them all and was very much the center of attention. the only thing i really remember from that party was the game she created and led entirely.

--they don’t really know anything about you. GOD, how very true. neither of my parents have a fucking clue about my personality, my tastes, my interests, or my sense of humor. they know about them on an EXTREMELY surface level. “oh, she likes cats. she did ballet for years. she likes trees.”

--the reason mom got mad at me when i cried as a child was not, as she told me many years later, because she was upset that she was unable to comfort me adequately. The problem was that SHE wasn’t in the spotlight. she was required to pretend to care about MY feelings. She couldn’t comfott me adequately because i sensed that she was mad about me crying, rather than loving me and having compassion. she sent me to my room when i cried so i wouldn’t be the center of attention--and also to punish me for being so.

--i’m scared of spending money because mom 1) made me feel guilty for spending money on myself, because everything should be about HER [seriously, i got seriously scolded once for buying things for myself on a shopping trip instead of ONLY buying xmas presents for the family]. 2) made me scared about our financial situation because she wanted to have money for herself first and foremost for what SHE wanted. Thus her and Dad scaring the ever-living SHIT out of me last summer about finances and then turning around and buying themselves iphones.

--i’ve always felt so alone because subconsciously i always knew mom didn’t love me, even though consciously i made myself believe it. and of course i could never know if dad did, because even now, it’s a pretty fuzzy issue (which basically means he doesn’t. le sigh)

you know what? i’m going to get out that art project of self-affirmations and add some shit to it about being able to see through other people’s bullshit. because GODDAMN, i deserve a fucking MEDAL. i’m not going to let her negging make me continue to feel bad about those affirmations. because she’s just full of shit.

[vandoornestoffel]

Hey has anyone asked you yet about the time you got to meet the Mclaren team? If not, I'd love to know about it more!!

oH WOW.

I wasn’t expecting this.

Well, I’m watching a 24hrs race with 11 hours to go, I might as well take the time to write this down. Sit down and get ready to read a lot of text. Seriously it’s a lot of text. I’m sorry but this story took part in about 4 or 5 hours so a lot happened. 

So the story has a little bit of background. I’m kinda vocal in Twitter. Not as much as the Papaya McLaren+ members, but somewhat vocal, specially around McLaren. The every weekend wishing the best for my babies, and such. Also, in 2017, I got to meet Stoffel and Fernando at the pitlane walk thing in the Mexican GP. Even appeared in Fernando’s Instagram Stories AND on the worldwide feed because I was the only Mexican with a Belgian flag cheering for Stoffel. So after that I told the team I was going to be back the following year and I did. For extra context, I had literally 48 hours earlier, broken up with my boyfriend at the time (fuck that guy), so I was really really sad. 

So the morning of Thursday before the 2018 Mexican GP, I jump into a plane and take the trip to Mexico City for the GP. I didn’t had a pitlane walk ticket but I was planning on going to the race track and buy one (illegally) outside. So I land, or well, the plane lands, and when I turn my phone on again I find a really surprising message. From McLaren’s official Twitter, I got a DM asking me if I had plans on going to the racetrack that day. For context, I had told the team I was excited to see them on action that weekend. So I said that I still hadn’t a pitlane ticket but that I was looking to buy one. I went to my hotel and then to have breakfast and while I was having a meal, I get a second text asking me if I could meet them up in a door of the racetrack, that they had a gift for me and give me a WhatsApp number to stay in touch. WhatsApp number is British, I don’t know how to save it up because my phone kept putting the Mexican first few numbers as I tried to send message to them, it was an stressful mess but when it finally worked, I was already outside of the racetrack. I met a guy, Danny, and when we meet he gives me a paddock pass. I’m freaking out. On the walk past security and all of that, we are chatting. He’s such a nice guy. I still have his phone number but I don’t dare to text him again. He explains I do have to give the pass back at the end of the day and teaches me to use it and then says Go and see the full paddock, let’s meet up here in 20 minutes. So I have plenty of videos seeing everything. Saw Mauricio Arrivabene, KMag, Romain, Charles, Russell, Gio, and a lot of drivers up close, but they were busy with interviews and I didn’t wanted to disturb them. 20 minutes are up and I meet up with Danny and two other men who I can’t remember their names. That’s when we are talked into the McLaren pit. They explained a lot to us, and the cars were being worked on so we could see the engines up close and many other amazing little details. We walk out again and that’s when we are told. They are also giving us a Pirelli Hot Lap. I cried. No joke. We were walked over the Pirelli Hot Laps place and got to see the cars up close, tried a helmet, met my driver (Josh Cook) and I was eating my brain off. Eventually it’s time to go. We walk the main straight to where the cars were waiting for us, and met Charlotte and Helen (PR girls of McLaren at the time), I got the second to last lap in a McLaren 570s, so as the cars came and went I got more and more anxious. They did delivered me a copy of the video that was filmed but I don’t appear in the Mexican clip they published in their YouTube Channel. And I never published it myself. But if you have seen the “Oh, you drivin’ drivin’” it’s pretty much the same. Going side to side. At times yelling but mostly silence of “holy shit this is happening”. When I got off the car I was shaking. Huge smile in my face. Asked for a pic with Charlotte and Helen, and now I wish I had asked pictures with Danny and Josh as they were super special for me that day. 

So this is where things get weird. Have you ever dreamt of something so much that you have a headcanon on how it’s going to be if something happens?? Well, I had a headcanon that I met Stoffel Vandoorne and in my headcanon I turned around to face his adorable smile. First time, that didn’t happen. This time around, we got invited to McLaren’s hospitality, got a free coke, Fernando was there but he didn’t wanted to even wave. He was in a chat with Buemi in the corner of the hospitality and Charlotte and Helen didn’t even made eye contact with him, it was clear to me that he has like “do not disturb” moments. So I was driving my coke and I hear one of the guys say “Oh the girl is going to freak out so much” and well, I was the girl, and I was wearing my 2018 team shirt with Stoffel’s name. So I was chilling and suddenly I hear a “Hi!” and I know that voice. I’ve heard that voice a million times in interviews. I leave my coke in the table and stand up to turn around and see him. Stoffel Vandoorne. I turn around again and sit down because this is not happening. This is a dream. I probably passed out and I’m dreaming. Charlotte asks “Are you ok?” and I know she’s talking about me. I turn again to face Stoffel and tears are in my eyes. It’s really him. And he has that stupid smile in his face. I can barely say “Hi” and my voice cracks but I’m trying my best to not cry. I raise my arm to shake his hand as Stoffel says “Don’t you want a hug?”, I crack again and just approach to hug him. IT IS THE BEST HUG IN MY LIFE. I can’t tell you what he’s smelled like because my definition is just clean. I didn’t smelled a cologne or sweat, I just smelt clean clothes and a clean man. We got a few pictures taken. On the first Lando is in the background, all funny, and we invite them to our picture. He stood on the side of the group and one of the other guys says “Why don’t you stand in the side of the girl, so she can have a McSandwich”. Best McSandwich ever. Stoffel had to leave (to track walk, I believe) and Lando stayed chatting with us for a while. When he finally left, we were invited for one last walk around the paddock. Even got into the stadium area of the circuit. And then it was time to leave. On the walk back to the main door where it all started I asked Danny why me? Why had they invited me? He said that he had noticed my tweets beforehand but the fact that I had tweeted to Lando saying I was excited to see him in FP1, and he retweeted me, was the reason why I got the invite. So, my dream way of meeting Stoffel Vandoorne became a reality thanks to Lando Norris and his really cute way of being with his fans. 

As soon as I gave the pass away, I started to run. I was on the opposite side of the circuit than the pitlane walk door. So I ran, bought a ticket, ran some more, and pushed myself to the front of the crowd to meet Stoffel again. Yeah, I’m that crazy. So Charlotte sees me and says “Hey, look who it is Stoffel!” and Stoffel sees me and he’s like HI AGAIN! so HE FUCKING RECOGNIZED ME. So I chat with Charlotte a bit and say that I forgot to ask for an autograph so as Stoffel is signing one, and hands it to me, she says, “give her more”, so Stoff signed 2 more and handed them over. I told him I was going to miss him in F1 but that he had my support wherever he went, and he said thanks and carried on with his duty before leaving. I stayed there, as people left when they realised there were no drivers to sign cards, until I was told I had to leave. Prior to this, I met Lee Mathurin (a McLaren mechanic who I just discovered he has deleted his Twitter account, and I’m scared) and asked for a picture with him and other mechanics (he chicked out in coming to meet me along so he asked some friends to tag along) and as I try to snap the picture he grabs my phone and walks to the pits. He snapped a few good pictures of Stoffel’s car and the people around and came back to me to take a selfie of us. So after that, I got asked to leave by security and I rode an Uber back to my hotel room. As soon as I walked in and my mom asked “How it went?” I started crying my eyes out. That was waaay beyond what I had ever dreamt about. I was coming there still crying about my ex (I literally cried about him on the plane) and I started crying about how lucky and happy I was 12 hours later. McLaren, unknowing to them, made my life experience something I could never afford, in a moment when I most needed it. I couldn’t attend to the 2019 race and I’m not going to the 2020 race either, but I couldn’t ask for a better and happier day in my life. I truly owe that day forever to that team.

[george-mackay-macfine]

Dear Diary. pt3

Requested

Word Count: 3, 188

A/N I have more written, let me know if you want it. 

September 14th 2011,

Dear Diary, 

What are your thoughts on parties? Not just any parties University parties. In my head, I didn’t think they’d be much different from High School parties, much different from the parties the people at school threw every year. 

How wrong was I, 

Harry had come home from his first introduction class with the news we’d all be invited to a huge start of year party at one of his classmate's houses when he’d said we’d all been invited I was sure it was actually just Harry who was invited. 

Harry, on the other hand, was adamant that Dean and I had in fact been invited, and he wasn’t just feeling sorry for Dean and me who were already being inundated with course work. 

“George will be there,” Dean smirked as he watched me pour myself a glass of juice. “Won’t he Harry?”

 “Yeah, He was in the intro class, the invitation was extended to everyone and he said he’d go.” Harry shrugged. 

“See Y/N,”

“Wow, thanks, Dean. It sounds so much more tempting now.” My eyes rolled as I picked up my juice. 

“C’mon Y/N. We’ve both already got a mountain of course work, and it’s only going to get bigger. So why don’t we use this time of minimal work to have some fun? You know… Flatmate bonding.” Dean walked over to our ‘liquor table’ (it was really just a small table we’d found on gumtree) “Let me add some vodka to that juice and you’ll be ready to party before you know it.” He swiped a nearby bottle of vodka, twisting the lid off as he walked towards me. 

“Don’t even think about it.” I put my hand over the top of my cup. “Apple juice is the only source of happiness for me right now, I don’t need it plagued with bad memories.” 

“That’s just sad,” Harry shook his head as a knock sounded from the door. “That’ll be George.”

“Why’s he here?” I looked at the door.  

“I figured we’d need help convincing you to come.” He stood up and walked towards the door leaving Dean and I, 

“Whose party is it again?” I pulled the juice towards me, afraid he’d pour some of the heartburn inducing liquor into it. 

To be honest, I wouldn’t mind some vodka, I was just worried that vodka-soaked Y/N would chase George down all night and end up like one of those girls you see crying in the gutter at two in the morning, or worse end up like Sarah. 

“I think Harry said his name was Harry?” Dean took a swig of the vodka from the bottle. “That’ll put some steam in your tank.” 

“Do I have to go?” I whined as Harry walked back, George following behind him. “Can’t you three go without me? Parties aren’t really my thing, I can just skip it.”

“Can’t let you do that, Dean says we need you.” Harry wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Remind me again why she needs to come?” Harry laughed as Dean went about pulling my bottle of juice over to him. 

“Don’t you dare Dean.” I reached back out pulling it back to me. “Apple juice is an innocent drink. Do not taint it.”

“We need Y/N because as soon as girls see us walking in with her they’ll see we’re good guys, and they’ll trust us easier,” Dean smirked. “Perfect plan.” 

“So you’re going to pretend that you don't want to get in with these girls, but really you do?” He nodded. “I still don’t wanna go,” I whined.

“Please Y/N,” Dean begged. “I need to meet someone to add to my roster.”

“You have a roster?”

“A rotating one,” He smirked. “But at the moment I’m missing a girl….” He looked over to George shrugging. “One got too clingy.”

“Wow, you’re such a good dude Dean.” I rolled my eyes. “Fine, I’ll go.” I pulled away from Harry and dragged my feet to my bedroom for good measure. 

“Has she been drinking?” I heard George whisper to Dean. 

“Only apple juice,” He whispered back. “She wouldn’t let me spike it.” I opened my door and slammed it closed behind me, pushing my back up against it for good measure. 

“One question,” I called through the door. 

“What is it?” Dean called back. 

“What do I wear?” 

“Let us in, we’ll help you pick something,” George spoke this time, the door handle turning. I pushed against it. “Y/N, you’ve gotta open the door.” I could hear Dean chuckle from the other side. I pulled open my door. The three men filed in, George sprawling across my bed, Harry sitting on the chair at my desk and Dean going to my wardrobe. I walked towards George, preparing to sit on the edge of the bed while Dean went through my clothes. 

“Try this one.” Dean threw something white at my head, I caught it holding it out. It was my white dress. I’d worn it on my first date with Julian. 

“I don’t know about this.” I pulled at the fabric. “It’s a bit tight around my boobs.” 

“Then it’s perfect.” Dean pulled me up, pushing me out the door. “Change.” The door shut behind me, I knew I had no choice but to change into the dress. Pulling my sweat pants down quickly, and my shirt off I threw on the dress. Pulling at the hemline trying to will it to go down my legs a little more. Even I had to admit my chest size had grown since I last wore this dress, and it was no longer hitting lower thigh. 

“Great you’re done.” I was heaved back into my room by Dean who stood me still again. “Boys?”

“Need’s a jacket.” Harry supplied. “Boobs look good though.” I crossed my arms over my chest trying to shield them. “That just pushes them up more.” I uncrossed my arms quickly. 

“Try the leather one.” Dean threw my jacket at me, tugging it over my shoulders. “There you go.” 

“Looks good.” George smiled, still laying on my bed, I know it was an off-handed compliment and he was probably trying to make me feel better about going, but it was enough to make my cheeks flush... “I’m getting a drink, anyone want anything?” He looked over at Dean and Harry who nodded, “Vodka for you Y/N?” 

“Uh, sure.” I walked over to my shoe rack, picking up a pair of black Doc Martins, should I wear these or my red heels? “I don’t really mind.” 

“I’ll help you.” Dean followed George out of the room. “Did you see the final goal of the game the other day…” 

“So Harry, Have you decided on what type of girl you’re going to try and get with tonight?” I made small conversation. If I was going to be in the flat when he brought girls home I could at least make sure that they were nice to me when they were leaving in the morning. 

“There are types?”

“Sure. You know there’s the one who thinks she can dance, but she’s not that great at it. The one who's looking for a rebound, The one who's always drinking…”

“They don’t sound half bad to me.”

“They’re always lovely girls, but every party has types.” I picked up a pair of my heels. “So what type?”

“Not sure, I’m not really looking right now.” I heard the chair move as he stood up. “What about you? You gonna find someone to take the plates?” 

“My virginity you mean?” 

“Yeah, That,”

“Harry, I’d sooner to lose my virginity to you than someone I’ll meet at this party.” I turned to face him. He was standing close to me, closer than I thought he’d be. 

“That can be arranged if you’d really like.” 

“Harry,” He smiled innocently. “If we’re going to live together, you’re going to have to stop flirting with me,” Harry smirked.

“And you’re going to have to stop being so easy to flirt with.” He countered. 

“Harry, I mean it. Haven’t you seen the movies or even read the books about the guy and the girl who live together, and they, uh….” I stumbled.

“Bone.” He suggested. I glared at him, shaking my head which only caused him to laugh and nodded his head. “Okay Y/N. Consider yourself officially in the friend-zone.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” I turned back around, focusing on the shoes I wanted to wear tonight.

Did I really want to torture myself and wear heels all night, or should I settle for my docs?

“But if you do ever change your mind, you just let me know.” I could feel Harry’s chest pressed against my shoulder. “Relax Y/N. I can practically see your brain overheating.” His chest bumped against my shoulder as he let out a deep chuckle. “But remember, all you have to do is ask.”

I didn’t turn to look at Harry as he walked away, I couldn’t. I was afraid I’d melt into a puddle of mush. 

Jesus, Christ Almighty, 

Between George and Harry, I was going to be flirted with to death. 

Here lies, Y/N Y/L/N. 

Cause of death, Heart attack, caused by the flirtatious comments made by roommates and friend. R.I.P

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        ��                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 1994 - 2011.

“Ready?” George stuck his head around the doorjamb. “You look good.” He smiled looking me up and down as I struggled to get my Doc’s on my feet quickly. 

“Are you sure? It’s not too much? Not enough?” I spun around. “I was never good at these things, Sarah always picked out what I’d wear to parties.” 

“Dean and Sarah look alike if you squint… kinda.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Even when I was feeling super anxious George had still managed to make me laugh. “C’mon Y/N. We’ll have a good time. We’ll drink and we’ll dance.”

“And what do I do when you pick up a girl like the rest of them?” 

“I’m not going too.” 

“You’re not going to pick up a girl?” 

“Don’t need to when I’ve got the best one right in front of me.” He winked. 

“You need to cut that out, someone might think you have a crush on me.” But if you really want too continue, don’t let me stop you. 

“I’m just saying, these clothes would look nice on my bedroom floor.” He crossed his arms over his chest as he looked over me again. “But one thing,” He took three long steps towards me. His hands running up my arms. “You should always leave your hair out.” He pulled the hair tie from my hair, letting it fall down over my shoulders. “It looks best when its like this.” 

Note to self; burn all hair ties. 

“You two done in here?” George looked over his shoulder, his lips falling into a straight line as he looked at Harry who stood in the door, glass in his hand, his face a mirror image of George’s. “Or should we put a tie on the door handle.” 

“No need, Virgin remember.” I growled as I walked past George and pushed past Harry out to the kitchen where Dean sat three full glasses in front of him. “What are these?” I fumed quietly, annoyed that Harry had interrupted whatever moment George and I were having. 

“Vodka and apple juice.” He passed one over to me with a devious smirk. “Couldn’t help myself. One for all of us, really get the party started.” 

“Ready boys?” I handed my glass off to George, picking up the final one. “Salute.” I tipped the glass back practically throwing the drink down my throat. “Another one,” 

“You’re using up all your apple juice Gracie.” Dean laughed.

“Look’s like we’ll have to buy more than won’t we Blakie.” I chimed back, slamming another one down. “Should we go?”

“You really get into the party mood quickly don’t you?” Dean laughed, grabbing my hand and dragging me out towards our front door. “George, you guys still catching a taxi?” 

“Yeah, mate. The boys ordered it for around now,” George pushed in front of Dean and I looking down at his watch. “I’ll stop in, make sure they’re ready.” 

“We’ll meet you out the front,” Dean looped an arm around my shoulder. “C’mon Y/N, Harry. Let’s leave the boy to gather the cavalry, and let’s all enjoy this minor buzz I’m feeling.” I looked over at George who’d stopped at his front door. I smiled. 

“See you down there?” He nodded his head. 

“Course, be down in a few.” He pushed open the door and fell into the flat, loud music poured out for a few seconds before the door shut behind him. 

“C’mon Y/N, you’ll see him in a few minutes, let’s go. I’m dying for a fag.” I turned hitting him across the stomach. “What the fuck was that for,”

“Don’t use that word.” 

“What fag?” Harry asked in place of Dean, as he pressed the elevator button. 

“Yes, that one! Don’t use it.” 

“Why not?” Dean rubbed his stomach as we stepped into the confinement of the elevator. 

“Because it’s ignorant.” I looked at both boys, neither of them were really getting it. “I know you think it’s just slang for cigarettes, and I’m sure neither of you actually have a problem with gay people, but the negative connotations that have been put on the word by stupid idiots really outweighs your necessity of the word.” Dean stands for a minute, thinking before he nods his head. 

“Alright, if it upsets you that much Y/N, I promise not to use the word again.” 

“Thank you, Dean. I appreciate that.” The two of us turned to Harry. He was leaning up against the elevator wall, hands shoved into his jean pockets. “Well?” Harry looked down from the ceiling, eyes meeting mine. 

“What was going on with you and MacKay in your room earlier?” I could see Dean turn to face me out of the corner of my eyes. “Was he hitting on you?” 

“No more than you had been, now what’s your answer.”

“You like him don’t you?”

“George is my friend, and that’s it, Harry.” I turned facing the doors, waiting for them to open. “Why does it even matter to you?” 

“Doesn’t, just wanna gauge how much he’ll be hanging around.”

“Thought you two were football friends?” Harry shrugs his shoulders indifferently at the question. 

“Doesn’t mean I want him hanging around the flat all the time.” 

“God, does it seem this elevator is taking a lot longer than most do?” Dean groaned. “Or is it just all this sexual tension.”

“There is no tension.” Harry and I snapped at the same time. I looked over from Dean to Harry who was slumped against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. His biceps bulging underneath his white button-down. God, he looked good tonight. Maybe there is sexual tension. 

THERE IS NO SEXUAL TENSION HERE,

“Thank fuck.” Dean praised when the doors slid open. We walked out and into the cold air of Scotland. 

“Took you guys long enough.” I looked up to see George and two other guys sitting on the steps of the building. “Haven’t you guys learnt yet that the elevator takes nearly three times as long as taking the stairs?” George stood brushing dirt off his jeans. “Y/N, Dean, Harry these are my flatmates Henry and Jordan.” 

“Hi.” I waved awkwardly. “No taxi?”

“Should be rolling up any minute now.” One of them, Henry looked off down the road. He was Scottish, with dark red hair and brown eyes. “Taxi’s in this country never run on time.” He laughed again. 

“The one time we need it too.” George sat back down on the steps. He looked up at me expectantly before tapping the concrete beside him. I walked over tucking the short material of my dress underneath me before sitting beside him. He moved in closer our sides flush against one and other. “You cold?” He pointed at my legs where goosebumps had arisen. They weren’t from the cold. 

“A little,” 

“Here,” He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into him, he ran the arm wrapped around my shoulder up and down my arm vigorously. “Better?” 

“Thanks.” I nodded my head. But by all means, you don’t have to stop. 

“Look at these two.” Dean lit up a cigarette. “The girls are going to be falling at our feet lads when they see Gracie with us.” 

“Yeah,” Jordan snorted. “George told us about the master plan,” He looked over George and I. “Nice of you to play along Y/N,” Dean offered the cigarette to him. He took it popping it between his own lips. “Not many girls cool enough to help their friends get laid.” He kicked George gently with his foot. “Right MacKay.”

Alright Jordan, how about you go fuck yourself…  I’d almost forgot I was just being used as a pawn to help these guys get laid. 

“If you keep talking to her like that mate, she might not help you out,” Harry smirked sitting on the step on the other side of me. “Y/N only promised to help out the nice guys.” Jordan held his hands up in defence. 

“I am nice I promise.” He chuckled. “Y/N, if you wanna see how nice I can be...” 

“Don’t finish that sentence, Davis.” George glared. “She’s too good for you.” 

“Taxis here,” Henry called, “Time to go.” He pulled open the sliding door and motioned for me to hop in first. “Ladies first,” He smiled sweetly. 

“Thank you, Henry.” I smiled standing up from the concrete step and walking towards him. I tucked the skirt underneath me as I stood up into the van. “Hello.” I smiled at the driver, scooting across the seat to the window. George jumped in next to me and Harry sat in the very back seat with Dean. “Are you having a good night?” I asked the driver who smiled in the rear mirror. 

“I am Missy, yourself.” I nodded my head. 

“Can’t complain.” I smiled again. 

“That’s everyone,” Jordan declared when he jumped into the front seat. I looked out the window as Jordan rattled off the address to the driver. 

God, how was I going to last at this party? I know they said they wouldn’t leave me but they’re totally going to leave me first chance they get. I know how persuasive boobs and a vagina can be to a horny boy. Sarah fucking Olsen 

“You all good?” George’s voice whispered in my ear. I turned he was leaning down, lips right next to me. I nodded my head. “Don’t worry Gracie, I won’t leave you at all tonight.”

“But what if you find a girl?” I countered. 

“I told you, don’t need one when I’ve got the best one right in front of me.” He grabbed onto my balled fist. “I’m not gonna leave you all night.” 

[vaguely-concerned]

Some more mass effect andromeda thinky thoughts as I run around heleus getting some achievements! 

- the murderous angaran ai is genuinely so fucking funny. “How are you feeling here on Aya?” “I hope you die” “Is there anything we could do to make you more comfortable?” “BURY THIS PLANET UNDER FIRE AND ASH” “o.oookay. Goodbye then.” “I HATE you.”

- I hope I never become irresistibly moved to write mass effect andromeda fic b/c there really is no other description for a good 70% of the expressions reyes makes than :> and how could one capture that in words

- as mentioned I’ve been doing a bit of achievement hunting and in the process I’ve been switching up a lot of gameplay stuff from how I handled it the first few times around and let me tell you it’s baller as fuuuuuuuuuck -- it just looks so awesome and is so satisfying between the maneuverability of the jetpack and biotic charge and the effects. special shoutout to what happens if you biotic charge a frozen victim enemy and the biotic pull/push combination. (throwing people around like ragdolls is actually so much fun I’ve kept doing it even after I unlocked the achievement lol)

- lol lol when you get meridian online there’s the montage of every planet coming back to life, right? well the one on kadara is from inside kralla’s song, with umi looking out at everything that’s happening. and all I can imagine is her jaded-ass voice going ‘what the fUCK did that asshole kid do now I only just cleaned up after the bar brawl he started with his krogan grandpa and now he’s rearranging the entire fucking planet right from under us goddess I need a drink’ 

- the implication that reyes ‘cards so close to my chest you won’t even know I’m playing’ vidal just does not shut up about how amazing ryder is to anyone who’ll listen gives me so much life. when you try to be mysterious and laidback but the human pathfinder is so fucking cute tho Y____Y (also go watch his scenes if you’re being standoffish with him the entire time -- he clearly wants ryder to like him so much right from the beginning, he’s doing so much work to no avail and I feel sort of bad for how funny I find it haha. interesting that it really does seem to be an emotional thing as well as y’know the practical/tactical benefits of having the pathfinder on his side. methinks the charlatan might be a bit lonely there behind all his masks lol) 

I think this is why I’m willing to give him some benefit of the doubt too, despite all the cloak and dagger stuff -- he’s so immediately drawn to ryder, who you can never make a bad person, really. something in him must respond to that, if potentially only in the ‘attracted to traits I do not possess myself’ way hahaha

- I love sam. so so much. some of the open world implementation is still grating (yes sam. yes I know I can mine this area for resources through my mining interface. we’ve been doing this for a hundred hours sam. you’ve been right here with me the entire time sam. please sam), but he’s SUCH a good and I’d argue underutilized concept (emotionally at least) and the best boy. the fact that he can get SARCASTIC on you fsdhfjsadh he’s growing and learning! he’s doing so from inside your brain which is kind of unsettling but also SO COOL! there’s something about that level of intimacy, of always knowing there will be someone there with you in your head that is super interesting and deserves to be examined more fully -- both how it could be comforting and how it’s  r e a l l y  not how people or ai are generally designed to work lol. 

he also gives us a unique link with our dad and I wonder if the writers would have explored that in more depth if there’d been more development time -- it practically SCREAMS out an invitation to get to play/see things from alec’s POV in short bursts, like the memories you unlock except you could go through playing it as him since sam is common to both of us. (see my ‘our dad comes back through either kett or remnant nonsense in the sequel and we need to find some way to connect with him’ idea. it would be. amazing. listen alec already looked at the ethical guidelines involved in creating ai and went ‘huh interesting ideas but not for me thanks!’, don’t tell me he wouldn’t have left some loophole in so this could happen)  

- reyes literally says ‘the cavalry’s here’ when we get to meridian and I for one love him more than words can express (he also asks us if we’re okay in sort of a sweet/worried way right before we get to the control room. aw buddy) 

- like we don’t think of them like that because we’re in control of them and see all the stumbles and awkwardness and how young they are all the time, but damn the ryder twins must look like something else to everyone in andromeda haha. they literally stride around like demigods restoring entire planets. on voeld spring non-metaphorically follows in their footsteps. shit dude if we’re talking realpolitik here the angara must feel  p r e t t y nervous about this -- there’s no one saying they can’t turn off the vaults as easily as they turned them on. I hope we get them somehow teaching the angara how to do it too, on a smaller scale at least, as a show of good faith or something in a sequel, because that power imbalance is disconcerting  

- I’m glad sam and I have such similar priorities whenever we’re on kadara. ‘maybe mr vidal would know. perhaps we should ask mr vidal about this. mr vidal said something relating to this pathfinder maybe we should speak to him’ . yeah sam i know the feeling, same (it does undeniably read as sam having a bit of a crush which is. hilarious?) 

- the fact that alec ryder thought ellen responded to his bad boy act in any way when what really charmed her was that he was a great big nerd <3 it’s kind of nice to see a fictional marriage that seems to have just been. nice and stable and chill? just two intellectual equals who like and respect each other very much and not a lot of drama until alec went full alec and started developing rogue ai instead of watching his wife die lol. again I would love for the sequel to involve ellen finally waking up and being like ‘death? trying to claim MY husband? I do not think so, I can die he can’t he’s not leaving me behind’ and helping out and you realize that the reason they were soulmates was that under the relatively rational and unemotional surface they’re both, at heart, batshit crazy mad scientists who are insanely devoted to each other. imagine it tho! the people of andromeda realize alec ryder is back from the dead somehow and doing some Shit out there, they put a ton of resources into curing ellen’s disease because their best shot is something to do with the implants she made, hey presto we’ve got all ryders on the board and in play. 

- just want to make it clear that I’m still sad about avitus rix and hope he’s having a good day

- do you think ryder ever asks sam to read something to him ‘aloud’ in his head if he’s anxious and can’t sleep. or just to talk at him about something boring until he nods off. again the possibilities inherent in the concept!!! he has someone who’s closer to him than any other person could be, what’s that like? 

- *me sticking to my sidewinder pistol the whole playthrough even though it’s laughably inefficient* I just wanna feel like a cowboy bioware please work with me here

- the male ryder voice actor has such amazing comedic timing, there’s a lot of reaction stuff out in the field he absolutely nails. I enjoy the female voice too and I like how much emotion she manages to convey towards the end of the game especially, but there’s a casual comedy in male ryder’s voice that can’t be beat. (well, it’s not hawke levels, but then nothing ever is, that’s too much to ask)

- I love vorn and kesh so much. nerd krogans unite & make out

- I still want to sit peebee down and have a long serious talk with her about emotional abuse, maybe give her a hug :( fuck kalinda 

- this game does not get enough credit for how stunningly beautiful it is, it all got buried under criticism about the animations and it’s a fucking shame. the last few vaults you go through are just mindboggling in scale and visual uh striking-ness. it makes me so sad to think there won’t be any more of it D: 

- I really like this mainly casual + logical dialogue options ryder I’ve found; it makes him sound like a younger and more irreverent version of his father, but also softer and less closed off and much more willing to show affection for his family especially. 

- i wonder if different people’s individual SAMs will take on a certain tone/unique pattern when they’ve coexisted long enough. have I mentioned. how much I want a sequel to this game 

- one last reyes note because don’t look at me okay -- I wonder how much we’re meant to read into ‘being honorable never got me anywhere’. on the one hand I’m fully prepared to believe he’s never even tried doing anything the honorable way in his entire life lol but on the other there’s also some interesting potential in the interplay of that sentence and ‘to be someone’. (there seems to be a deep fear in him both of powerlessness and of being truly seen/recognized -- he equates secrecy with safety pretty explicitly -- which seems... telling? of what I don’t know but telling all the same hahaha) like he might be saying he’s tried doing things the ‘right’ way and it didn’t work and the price was too high, so he just went for this instead with the ends low-key justifying the means. hmmm. :Ia (this is what happens when I get Attached to a character with like an hour of screentime my friends, and I’m already primed to give my entire heart away at the sound of nicholas boulton’s voice)

[salvajecho-a]

// Okay so... I’m going to post a very vague explanation of why my activity on this blog dropped off a few months ago. And most my blogs in this fandom. I’m hoping by sort of explaining a little bit of it, it’ll sort of make me feel better about things. I’m not going into detail about stuff, I am not saying names, but this has been a massive source of anxiety for me since it happened. I’d say a great majority of you that I talk to already know about it. And while it is against my way to list people in my rules page to say I refuse to interact with people who are friends with certain people, I do have the right to cut people out if they interact with people that make me uncomfortable. I will not post anything attacking anyone for what happened, even if I think that it is unfair because I didn’t do anything wrong and was low-key being gaslighted by a ‘friend’. That person gets to go on and have fun with their friends while I am too anxious to write my favorite oc in the fandom lol. And then, to make it worse Tumblr KEEPS RECOMMENDING THEIR BLOGS TO ME. This person that I didn’t block because I had HOPED they would eventually realize they were wrong and maybe try to be friends with me again. Well, fuck it. If anyone wants more detail they can IM me or w/e. I have caps and all that because I was fucking floored by all this when it happened. It was a few months ago. 

  So basically I had been talking with this person since I first started in the fandom. They seemed super sweet. We plotted on my other blogs and had some threads going. They invited me to their in-game linkshell and stuff. I played the game with them and their friends a few times. So I basically talked to them one night and everything was fine and dandy. Next morning, they sent me a message accusing me of stealing from them. Why? Because Zerah and their OC both had the Echo and left their tribes. Despite the situations being incredibly different. Despite their character leaving because something happened that they didn’t agree with and my character being attempted murdered and left for dead because he couldn’t bring himself to murder someone for his leader. The tribe in my story is basically a cult. Very very different. The ONLY things that were similar were the fact that they both had the echo and are no longer with their tribe. Personality and everything, totally different. They even accused me of stealing something a friend said in the linkshell about their character that I never even saw, which I had posted a headcanon about WAY before anyway. 

  The weird thing about this is that we had been mutuals for quite a while and even had a thread. So they must have read my about page before and never thought it. But suddenly they did? Not to mention how fundamentally different the characters are in every single way aside from them both having the echo. After talking with them about it, the agreed that they were different. Only to hours later tell me that they still didn’t believe me. They told me they didn’t want to associate with me anymore and removed me from everything. 

 I thought of Zerah before I ever even started talking with them, and even after that I was afraid to do him on Tumblr because of how fucked up his backstory is. One of my good friends on the site convinced me to try him out and even helped me out with him. 

I instantly went on hiatus because, despite literally everyone I talked to agreeing with me, I was really scared that people would believe this person because they seemed so sweet. I think they realized that they were wrong because they deleted their account and remade, they also never said anything to anyone that I know of. But I worried I wouldn’t even be able to defend myself if they did. Because like even if I know the truth, even if I know they were wrong, who would ever believe me? I was newer to the rpc. They also low-key gaslit me and seemed like they were trying to convince me I did it. Even though I didn’t. Zerah is 100% a character born from my trauma and my brain. It hurt really bad that someone would have such little respect in me. To not trust me despite being a friend. That they seemed like they were trying to convince me that I was guilty of this thing I knew that I wasn’t. 

 In a panic, I capped the entire conversation because I was terrified I would need it to defend myself. I know I did nothing wrong. Zerah is my favorite oc because he is a comfort character for me. He is a character I worked on for a long time and kept to myself out of fear of upsetting people. But it helps me work through my own issues to write him. And it just upsets me that someone was basically able to bully me away from him. I still don’t know how or why they thought this. If it was an anxiety attack or them just... deciding they didn’t want to talk to or write with me anymore and not caring at all about how much damage they did to me to cut me out. it’s literally the reason I remade roi since they were like one of my only partners there and seeing their blog made me upset. 

Update: I wrote this post a very long time ago. I don’t care about people not liking me because of this anymore so I’m just going to post it. I am also going to remake this blog and completely redo my rules and change my about to be more faithful to my original version of this character. Some people may not like the new rules. I don’t care. Zerah is one of my favorite OCs and I haven’t been able to write him. I’m finally posting this and come what may. I want to start fresh with this character. Too much baggage. Too much me not doing what I want and/or being a pushover. I’m done with it. If you have anything to say, my ask/IM is open. I’ll post a link to the new blog when I’m done. or maybe I’ll just start following people. Idk. Thanks for listening if you read all of this. It’s been a wild ride. I refuse to let these issues ruin this fandom for me. 

[ranissupercool]

Bitch

Fandom: Danganronpa Characters: Mikan Tsumiki, Hiyoko Saionji Relationships: Hiyomikan Rating: Teen and up Word Count: 2,346 Summary: Hiyoko is Hiyoko, and Mikan is happy with that.

Some fluff I wrote while drunk. The Hiyoko/Mikan can be taken romantically or platonically, but it's portrayed as a friendship in this fic

Read on Ao3!

“Give me one half-decent reason why I shouldn’t stomp you six feet into the ground right now, you sneaky little rotten pig bitch.”

“B-B-Because I’m s-sorry…?”

Yeah… Hiyoko was mad. Understandably mad, but also scarily mad. This wasn’t what Mikan had been going for.

“A ‘sorry’ isn’t gonna cut it for secretly drugging me, idiot!”

“E-Eek… B-But you keep telling me to f-fight fire with fire, a-and you drugged the whole class that one time…”

“I… Okay yeah, I did do that,” Hiyoko muttered, unable to refute Mikan’s reasoning. “B-But inviting me over just to drug me with aphrodisiac is super shady and totally makes you look like a creep. I was just doing it to be funny!”

Mikan sighed. She really couldn’t win with this girl, could she? Not that she was exactly wrong, either…

“Hmph… You really are useless. I tell you to stand up for yourself and this is the thanks I get?” To be fair, Hiyoko was one of her bullies too. She knew that damn well, Mikan was certain.

Still, all she could bring herself to do was poke meekly her fingers together and apologize. She knew Hiyoko hated when she did that, but what else could she do?

“Ugh, whatever. At least I still have more self-control than you did when you got drugged. Heh, you remember that? How you were seriously about to use Peko’s sword as a--”

“I-I remember! I remember, s-so you don’t have to s-say it… Ugh… B-Besides, I-I used a low dosage…”

Still, despite Hiyoko trying to act like it was nothing, Mikan could clearly see that it was taking effect. Her face was flushed, she kept trying to fan herself… and she kept strangely shifting and rubbing her legs against each other. Seeing Hiyoko in such a state was rather odd… Should Mikan feel bad? She knew Hiyoko wouldn’t, were she in Mikan’s position, but--

“Geez, whatever. A-And stop staring,” Hiyoko huffed. Ah, Mikan had been caught… “It makes me think maybe you did do this to perv on me. Damn lolicon…”

“A-Ah, I r-really didn’t… S-- Sorry. I, um… To make it up to you, what do you want me to do? Strip? Or you could draw something on me… O-Or I guess hit me, if you really wanted…” It wasn’t as if Mikan necessarily wanted her to do any of those things, but if it made Hiyoko less mad… Gah, and here she was trying to get back at Hiyoko for once. Yet, now she was only submitting again, wasn’t she?

“Ugh, none of that, you weirdo masochist! Why do I even bother with someone like you…”

“Th-That’s what I’d like to know…”

Ah. Crap. Hiyoko was giving her a rather dirty look now. Was that bad to say? It was the truth, but--

“That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You’re so pathetic it drives me nuts! How the hell are you expecting to survive after high school like that?”

“E-Eep…”

“Ugh… Whatever.” Hiyoko, already seeming exasperated with Mikan, let out another huffy sigh. “I guess I can at least give you credit for trying… even if I totally want to twist you up right now.”

“I-Into a crybaby pretzel!?”

“Hey, you remember! Guess you have more than half a brain cell in that dumb head of yours after all!”

“O-Oh, um… I-I try…” Mikan couldn’t help blushing lightly, even knowing that wasn’t at all a compliment. “B-By the way, are you… feeling okay? If you want, y-you can go back to your room and… y’know... I-It might make you feel better…”

“What? Are you seriously suggesting I do something so gross!?”

“I-It’s not really that gross! I-It’s… healthy…”

“Oh, I’m sure you’d know, wouldn’t you?”

“...W-Well actually, as the Super High School Level Health Committee Member… Y-Yes…”

Hiyoko rolled her eyes and flopped onto Mikan’s bed, startling her and causing her to instinctively back off to the furthest corner of said bed. “Whateverrr. I’m not doing that. You asked what you can do to make up for this, right? Keep me company and distract me ‘til it wears off.”

“Huh? Y-You want me to… talk to you?”

“Well yeah, no way I’m going to anyone else like this! Unless you’d rather I distract myself by twisting you up…”

“Eep! N-No, talking is fine! I-I just… ah, I usually memorize conversation topics for these kinds of situations, but I always get nervous and forget them…”

“God, you’re such a nerd. Maybe I should just sleep this off instead, so I don’t have to listen to your whining…”

“A-Ah, no, I… u-uh…” Mikan stuttered helplessly, racking her brain for something to talk about that Hiyoko might find remotely interesting. Unfortunately, it took her too long, Hiyoko having somehow already fallen asleep before she could think of anything to say. That aphrodisiac really mustn’t’ve bothered her very much, even despite the earlier signs…

...As anxious as Mikan may have been about being a boring host, maybe this was for the best. Hiyoko was a lot less scary when she was sleeping. In fact, if anything, she was kind of cute…

Was that creepy? That was totally creepy, wasn’t it? Mikan let out a helpless little whine for no one to hear, laying on the bed next to Hiyoko-- softly, so as not to wake her. Hiyoko was a bit of a light sleeper, and she did not like getting abruptly woken.

What was she supposed to do while Hiyoko was sleeping, though? She couldn’t just leave her there, alone. That would be rude and also dangerous, considering the mischief Hiyoko would surely get up to if left by herself to root through Mikan’s things. Maybe she could read a book…

That thought was cut short when Hiyoko began lightly clutching onto Mikan’s arm, muttering something incomprehensible. Well, now she was trapped…

...Hiyoko’s body sure was warm. And honestly, the clinging wasn’t too uncomfortable. Hard to believe this girl was capable of inflicting so much pain onto someone.

But, hey. She wasn’t all bad. Although her methods were unorthodox, she did try to inspire confidence in Mikan. While she didn’t get it at first, now that she understood, she really had to appreciate the rude, harsh girl now sleeping peacefully next to her.

She wouldn’t have dared try and drug her, otherwise.

“Wha-- You fell again !? God, you’re useless!”

“I-I’m sorry…! I’m r-really trying my best…”

“Like hell you are! Geez, I should’ve just let you clean the classroom by yourself and left with Mahiru, but no, she insisted I stay here and help… You better be grateful to her. If it weren’t for Mahiru being so generous and nice, there’s no way I’d cut a stupid bitch like you any slack.”

“Y-You’re not even helping anyways… You’re just watching…”

A pretty normal day, with Hiyoko acting the same as always. Not only that, but Mikan was forced into cleaning duty with her…

Well, ‘forced’ may have indeed been the case, but she didn’t mind. She’d been gradually getting used to Hiyoko over the past couple of years, amazed that the other hadn’t gotten bored of her by this point. Surely, she thought, if Hiyoko hadn’t gotten bored of bullying her, that meant she had to care in some way.

Er, maybe. It was, admittedly, hard to tell with her. Still, the attention was nice, and Hiyoko honestly didn’t do anything too horrible or gross, despite her insults and her threats. She may have been scary, but Mikan still preferred being with her over many of the people in their class.

She was… comfortable with how things were between them.

“And?” Hiyoko sneered. “Did you actually think I was gonna help? That isn’t stupid; that’s just delusional.”

“A-Ah… I guess you’re right…” Mikan sighed, resigned as always, and pushed herself off of the floor before picking up her fallen broom. “But, I mean… i-if you really don’t wanna be here, there’s no one to force you to stay… s-since Mahiru and Miss Yukizome left a while ago.”

“...Geez… Even when we’re alone…”

“H-Hm? I-I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that…?”

Hiyoko narrowed her eyes at Mikan, causing her to let out a small squeak and mutter another apology. “That. That’s exactly it. Even when it’s just the two of us, you don’t do anything . Are you some kind of masochist? Is that why you let everyone walk all over you?”

“Wh-What?” This was… new. Not exactly the questions being asked of her, but the tone Hiyoko took… “U-Um, no…?”

“Then why!? No matter what I do, you complain but still let it happen. It’s ridiculous!”

“You… m-make it sound like you want me to fight back…”

“No shit. You couldn’t even tell that much? Talk about pathetic…” Hiyoko scoffed, but Mikan still didn’t quite understand what was happening, so she could only stare quietly at Hiyoko. “...God, you really had no idea. You’re so… geh.”

“Geh?”

”You’re so disgustingly pathetic it grosses me out to watch. People feel bad for you, sure, but with the way you act, they’re still too weirded out to get close to you. There’s no way you haven’t noticed that, right?”

“That’s… j-just because I’m not very likeable, right? That’s the only--”

“It’s totally on purpose! I just don’t get why… All I do know is that if you were in my position, you’d be long dead by now.”

Mikan… didn’t know what Hiyoko meant by that. She sounded incredibly serious, though. “W-Well… I’m going to be honest in that I don’t… fully understand what you’re getting at. But if you want to know the reason I let people be mean to me, i-it’s probably just because I am that pathetic. I’m n-not any good at defending my--”

“I know damn well you can defend yourself. Maybe not against everyone, but me? You totally can; you just don’t. I’ve never even seen you try to stand up for yourself against anyone before. What, have you just… given up? Is that it?”

“I g-guess that’s not exactly wrong… Um… Trying to stand up for myself has never really done me any good before. So… I don’t. B-Besides, if I did, you might…”

“What? What could I do to you that could possibly be worse than what I already do?”

Mikan wasn’t sure how this would go over with Hiyoko, but she also wasn’t sure if she would ever get to see Hiyoko being so upfront with her again, so she might as well admit it. “...I-If I deter you from being mean to me, you might get bored and start ignoring me…”

“Seriously? Isn’t that still ten times better than getting insulted and hit and stuff all the time?”

“I-I don’t really think so…”

“...I think I’m starting to see why I haven’t been able to provoke you into fighting back so far…”

Was… that really what Hiyoko had been doing? This whole time? No, it definitely wasn’t that at first… but… maybe over time, Hiyoko had grown to be concerned for her? Mikan really wanted to know, but she couldn’t be sure without asking Hiyoko herself. “Um, do you… maybe… not… hate me?”

Hiyoko stared at Mikan for some time, perhaps trying to read Mikan the same way she was trying to understand Hiyoko.

Then, she sighed. “You really are an idiot.”

“Nrgh… Mikan…”

Mikan slowly opened her eyes. Right, she was still in her room, in bed, with…

“ Mikan! ”

A tiny hand roughly pushed against one of her boobs, and she realized her position had changed since she last remembered. She was hugging Hiyoko to her chest, arms and legs practically clinging to the girl… When did that happen?

Hell, what time was it?

“S-- Sorry…” She let go of Hiyoko, who immediately sat up.

“Jesus, what was that supposed to be? Were you trying to suffocate me or something!?”

“Wh-What? No, I…” Mikan sat up herself, glancing to the digital clock by her bed. 8 PM… it had been a few hours since Hiyoko went to sleep, so that must have meant… “I-I think I fell asleep after you did. Whoops…”

“Geez… Weirdo.”

“A-Anyways, how do you feel? Did the aphrodisiac wear off?”

“Must’ve. I’m not feeling anything.”

“Ah, that’s good…”

“Good? I don’t think you quite get the point of getting me back with the drug… Whatever. It’s a start, I guess.”

Mikan perked up a bit, leaning slightly closer to Hiyoko. “A start? Um… D-Does that mean I did something good?”

“Geez, you’re not supposed to expect praise from your bullies! Anyone else would get mad!”

“E-Eh? But… You did earlier, but you don’t seem very mad now. You were so good at acting like you hated me for two years… Why not right now?”

“Well… b-because clearly, you don’t learn anything unless I tell you when you’ve done something right. So… good job… I guess.“

Mikan couldn’t help it. She smiled-- giggled, even-- but her eyes also watered and watered ‘til they spilled over with tears. She was happy, yet--

“Wh-What the-- You still can’t take one nice thing being said to you without crying!?”

“S-Sorry, I can’t help it… I told you before that--”

“I know, I know… Trust me, Mikan, we’ve both had shitty pasts. And… I get it, sorta. But if you panic or cry whenever someone’s nice to you, you’re gonna scare them off. So, uh… work on that.”

“I-I’ll try.”

“Good. Also, stop apologizing for everything. It’s annoying.”

“C-Can’t make any promises on that one…”

“Huh? Did some useless pig just try to talk back to me? Did you forget who’s in charge here? Just because I’m trying to help you out here doesn’t mean I’m not totally willing to twist you up into a dumb little crybaby pretzel.”

Oddly… that just made Mikan laugh. “I’m not a useless pig… Hiyoko, you bitch.”

“Hey, that’s my word. Next assignment is to think of an insult without plagiarizing me. Bitch.”

“No… I think I’m still going to call you a bitch. Bitch.”

Hiyoko snorted. “...Maybe you are getting better at this.”

[chibikinesis]

some surrender/redemption!ending Sean/Jacob ideas because my shit brain just can’t let that shit go, son. Body wasn’t even cold and my brain was like ‘kay now so how can your rarepair-ass ship still possibly work after all that?

Borrows from my idea that Sean’s taken to wandering/drifting for a while maybe because he’s just sort of struggling to acclimate himself back into society, let alone everyone’s lives, and he’s just sort of lost. He struggles with the needs to be self-sufficient and the need to talk about it, but feels like a bother when he tries to talk to those he’s close to. He hopes maybe something will spark along the way. (I guess Michel has confirmed that part about Sean taking to wandering again so that’s cool)

Also borrows literally everything from this list of my headcanons about Jacob and Sarah’s lives after fifteen years.

This starts out like... a super lite fic and will probably end in bullet points/drivel but it’s... what I’ve got for now. This got longer than I thought <<; ♥

It’s sometime in the winter when Sean finally stumbles upon the town they’re living in. He stops at a store there to buy a few more supplies, and he sees a young woman, around Daniel’s age, who seems vaguely familiar to him. She has long,wavy, brunette hair and a beauty mark under her left eye. She calls out to, he assumes, a friend of hers, a few displays across the way, where he sees a head poking up.

“I’ve gotta’ go, my brother’s leaving! See you tomorrow, okay?” She turns on her heel, arm extended to wave them goodbye, and calls out to, he assumes, her brother. “Jake, wait up!”

Sean looks and is taken aback by another familiar-looking face, with more tidy facial hair than he remembered, a few more creases, and a somewhat different hairstyle, and some glasses that feel new somehow, but he stands, stupefied, for too long to act. He’s not entirely sure he wanted to anyway. The girl and her brother head out the door, and Sean wonders if he made a mistake in not acting. He’s not entirely sure if it’s actually them, or if it’s just his mind is so desperate for a connection that it’s looking for things that aren’t really there. But he proceeds through the checkout and makes his way towards the door, a bit disoriented and distracted by it all.

So disoriented, in fact, that he crashes into another incoming patron as he exits - muttering a couple profanities before apologizing profusely. The customer apologizes as well, and bends down to help Sean pick up his things from the cold concrete.

“Wait a minute... Sean? Is that you?”

The voice draws him back to reality and he looks up to see the same man from before looking him square in the eye. The man has suddenly forgotten why he was coming back into the store in the first place. He looks hopeful, but he’s also second-guessing on the off-chance that he got it wrong. He hopes he hasn’t, but he backpedals a bit anyway. “S-Sean Diaz?”

Maybe he wasn’t imagining things after all. “Holy shit...Jacob?”

The man releases a pent up air in his lungs in the form of a breathy laugh and a big grin. “It is you!”

It’s only a moment before Sarah gets out of the car and comes to investigate. The two barrage him with questions, and end up inviting him back to their house. “Are you in town for a few days? Do you have anywhere to stay yet? Why don’t you come have dinner? You’re more than welcome to crash with us for a bit.”

Jake is asking half out of the urge to catch up and spend some time with and old friend (and to pay him back for helping them out all those years ago), and half out of his sense that Sean’s just... not okay. Jake also has a vague sense that he’d probably just sleep in his car otherwise - and it was too damn cold for that.

Sean reluctantly accepts.

He gets in his car and Jake leads him to their home. They’ve made a nice little life here. Their place is small, but it’s cute and cozy and very lived-in. It’s comforting to Sean.

He and Sarah cook a nice meal for the three of them. They all share some photos - Sarah pulling out her phone to flip through, and suggesting he look at Jake’s album. It helps Sean to feel less empty for a little while, but as the evening winds down, he’s left thinking of all the time he missed out on with Daniel and his family. All of the stories and moments he didn’t get to be a part of. All of those voids that’ll never be filled. It feels selfish of him, and he doesn’t like feeling this way, but he can’t really help it either. He grows quiet and pensive.

It’s starting to get late and Sarah retires to bed. Jake offers to take the couch so that Sean can have a bed to sleep in, but Sean of course denies. Jake’s not the least bit surprised, so he smiles to himself, and goes to fetch some blankets and a pillow for him.

He comes back with those, and an old-looking envelope. He lays the blankets on the couch next to Sean and looks a bit sheepish as he fidgets with the crinkled old edges. “Another reason I was glad you came back here tonight was... I had something I wanted to give you.”

Sean looks a bit dumbfounded as Jake extends it to him.

“I know you never gave this to me with any intention of me having to pay you back, but... I wanted to. There’s a bit of interest in there, too. Or maybe just call it accounting for inflation. I saved it back... damn, probably eleven years ago or so. Just on the off-chance that I... might finally see you again.” 

“You didn’t have to-”

“I-I know, Sean, I... I wanted to. Because you did so much for me and Sarah without even realizing it. And I want to be able to do more. That’s why I opened our home to you. You’re welcome here... anytime. And I mean that. You can stay here as long as you need, or even just want.” He offers a warm, sincere smile, but it falls to something that feels more bittersweet. “And... forgive me for assuming, but you seem... downtrodden-”

“- I’m a fuckin’ mess, Jacob.” Sean scoffs quietly. He’s not angry with Jake for assuming - he’s more upset that it’s so obvious.

“I want to help you with that, too. If... if you’ll let me.”

“You don’t owe me shit-”

“- I owe you my life, Sean.” There’s a new intensity in his tone as he cuts off Sean’s sentence, but it’s not malicious. Jacob’s eyes grow misty and his expression shifts between three or four different emotions. He draws a shaky breath, trying to keep his composure. “Because if you and Daniel hadn’t come into the picture... if things hadn’t happened the way they did, and if we didn’t get them out of Haven Point... if anything had happened to Sarah, I can honestly say that... we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Because I’d probably be in some makeshift grave back in Humboldt somewhere. And I still think about that so often.”

Sean’s surprised by his bluntness, and he’s not sure what to say. There’s an awkward silence on Jacob’s part as he struggles to find the words, but he continues on anyway.

"I feel like... maybe you’re having trouble readjusting, or re-acclimating since you got out, if you will, but I also feel like... you’re not really telling anyone about it, either. You don’t have to do this alone, Sean. You don’t have to be the strong one anymore.” Jacob beams warmth and sincerity. “Talk to me. Even the stuff you’re not proud of for feeling. Our minds let us think some pretty shitty things when we’re in that kinda’ mental shape, I get it. And I promise I won’t judge you for it. But you need to talk to someone about it. Even if it’s not me. And if it is me, it doesn’t have to be tonight. But please. Don’t keep harboring it.”

There’s a long silence as Sean considers it, and Jake grows anxious he said too much, or the wrong thing, or-

“Goodness, that got really heavy, really quick. I’m sorry, Sean-”

“Don’t be. I think I... needed to hear that from someone other than myself.” He concedes. “Seemed like you needed to get that off your chest, anyway.”

“I think you might be right.” Jake laughs. “I mean it, though. I know you’re the type to try to shoulder everything on your own, but... you don’t have to. Remember that. And if you need anything we’re able to provide, don’t ever hesitate to ask.”

Sean nods, and Jake can tell it’s coming from a place of appreciation and honesty. “Thank you, Jake.”

“Anytime.” He smiles. “But if I’m being honest, I don’t see myself sleeping too well after that, so, uh... you want some coffee?”

“I would love some, actually.”

They sit on the couch and chat over their hot drinks, and Sean flips through Jake’s album of photos, for about an hour before he starts to open the flood gates. They’re both surprised by it, but Jake offers his undivided attention, with only a few affirming and encouraging words as he lay everything out on the table.

His feelings of anger and bitterness over everything. That he spent almost as many years in prison as he’d gotten to live his normal life. His feelings of both jealousy and happiness that Daniel got to live the normal life Sean wished he could have. His loneliness, and how he hated being out here solo. Feeling like the lone wolf. His lamenting all those years he missed, regretting he couldn’t be there. Lamenting everything he missed out on. His feelings of being so out of touch with reality and having trouble doing anything but meandering and just sort of existing in this changed world. His immense distaste for the way his perception of time is so skewed now -

And as it all boils over and the tears start streaming down Sean’s face, Jake puts his mug aside and grabs the box of tissues from the coffee table. He scoots closer and rubs Sean’s back to ease his nerves, and continues to offer soft-spoken encouragement. They’re not sure how long they sit there and talk, but when Sean mutters a small I don’t want to be alone right now, Jake knows this is where he’s stationed for the night. 

Sarah finds them in the morning, Sean lying at one end of the couch with his head on the pillow and one of the blankets draped over him, and her brother at the opposite end, sitting upright with Sean’s legs flung carelessly over his lap, arms folded across his chest, and his head fallen back against the plush backing of the piece of furniture. Neither one had bothered to change into pajamas, and their half-empty mugs had long since grown cold. All she can do is smile and presume it had turned into another late-night therapy session. 

They wake up to the smell of breakfast being cooked, and a fresh pot of coffee, each of them with headaches, for different reasons. Jake gets them some aspirin and they all share breakfast and chat some more. He and Sarah both make sure to get Sean’s contact info, and even Daniel’s. Jake reinforces all of his points from their talk the night prior - they’re fully preparing to say their goodbyes when Sean’s car won’t start because plot reasons asdasdf

That’s right about the time he wishes hed paid more attention in Esteban’s garage. But anyway, he ends up staying with them for a few more days while he waits for a friend of theirs to come look at it for him.

"Or you can take it to the shop in town, but either way it’ll probably be a few days.” Jake explains. “But you’re welcome to -”

“Stay here!” Sarah interjects enthusiastically. 

Sean’s a bit surprised, but Jake smiles back at him and shrugs. “I’m certainly not opposed. It’d be nice to spend some more normal time with you after such a heavy night.”

~ This is where stuff lost momentum, but I have a few more ideas like:

They probably talk a bit more about Sean’s feelings now that he’s had a chance to vent them and is more able to discuss them in a stable manner, and how he can better cope with them.

Sarah borrows Jake’s car on his day off so he and Sean end up wandering the town for a bit, probably getting lunch, and maybe checking out a winter market not terribly unlike the one in Beaver Creek. 

Sean definitely having an “Oh no, he’s still cute” moment in those few days. And suddenly feeling a bit more self-conscious. At least it’s winter and he can pass the beard off as practical and warm.

Jake remembering his feelings from all those years ago back in Haven Point: wait a second, are these just misplaced feelings of affection because he’s one of the first people to show me such human decency or is this an actual crush? I don’t know. But oh shit I think it’s coming back, whatever it was. Oh shit, it is.

"You should come back in a few months when the weather’s decent and we can actually go do something. Camping would be fun.” Jake suggests.

After a few months of regular correspondence, Sean finds himself in a better headspace. He still struggles with a lot, but he’s doing considerably better. He has good days and bad ones, but he’s getting better at keeping in contact with everyone in general. But especially Daniel. And it feels good.

When he finally comes back in the spring for a visit, this much is apparent just by looking at him. Jake and Sarah are both so glad to see it.

“See, Jake? Told you there's still a face under that beard!” Sarah teases.

Her giving Sean a much-needed hair cut to match his tidier facial hair before they leave.

Daniel and Chris showing up to surprise them. Group camping trip!

Sean and Sarah and Chris all sitting and drawing at some battered old picnic table.

Jake definitely taking his camera along and taking a lot of photos. Including one very nice one of Sean that he got while they were hiking, when he was actually smiling, and the sun was streaming through the trees just-so. THIS KILLS THE MAN.

One of them getting hurt on the trail and the other patching them up.

All 3 kids definitely catching onto something there and quietly chattering amongst themselves about it. 

They go on a hike on their own and find a nice spot to chill for a bit and just shoot the shit. Sean coos about going back to Arizona, to Away for a little while.

“It sounds really nice.” Jake smiles as he tries to imagine it.

“Next time you have some time off, maybe you could... come with me, if you want. I’m sure mom would be excited to see you again, too.” Jake’s cheeks darken and Sean realizes his err, and he knows there’s been too much of a pause for an addition to seem plausible, but he tries for it anyway. “- a-and Sarah Lee, if she wants to.”

Probably accidental hand or shoulder touch or something because I’m a trope-y ass bitch.

[illfoandillfie]

from the prompt list: 23,24 from fluff and 31 from hurt/comfort with roger? would looooooove to see this!

I kinda snapped with this one and wrote almost 2k words soooooo its under a cut, enjoy!

23 “I think I love you,” + 24 “Can I kiss you?” + 31 “Just breathe. Breath withme.”

When you’d moved in with Roger you’d been nervousbordering on anxious. It was in your nature to worry and you knew this was thefourth time in two months that Roger had advertised for a roommate. But youwere desperate, everywhere else in your price range was unsuitable – too faraway from the campus to make the cheaper price worth while, men who wereclearly looking for someone to clean up after them like their mothers had athome, streets that were too dark and made you feel unsafe. So you were willingto look past his previous roommates complaints about that fucking infernalbanging and at least give it a shot. Of course there were other thingsworrying you too, your friends insistence that he’d try to hit on you for one.That sort of attention wasn’t something you received all that much and youweren’t entirely sure how to handle it. But you did know that roommates sleepingtogether was a bad idea so you knew you’d have to turn him down no matter what.

Roger, for his part, seemed thrilled when you said youcould move in straight away. You’d met up at a pub to chat and discusspotential arrangements and he’d entirely put you at ease. You were a little thrownwhen he didn’t so much as look you up and down let alone openly flirt with you,having believed everything your friends had said, but you put it down to notbeing his type and pushed the tiny pang of disappointment to the side. What hedid do was make you laugh, a lot. The conversation quickly turned from discussionsof rent and moving in to general chatter about everything else – the subjectsyou were both studying, the band he was in, opinions about music and literature,anything that jumped to mind. Before you knew it half the night was gone, yourworries were dispelled, and it felt like you’d been friends for years. Youwondered if that was just the way Roger was, easy to talk to and charmingenough to put anyone at ease, or if there was just something about the two ofyou that worked well together.

Over the first few months living with him you got toknow him quite well, better than you might have expected. You now weren’t surewhether people’s complaints about the constant banging were related to his drumsor the string of one night stands he brought back to the apartment, the thinwalls doing nothing to muffle their moaned cries of don’t stop or theway his voice got low and gravelly as he told them how he wanted them to cumfor him. Everything was only made worse by the slight crush you had on him. Itwas a small crush, nothing in it at all, you told yourself, based entirely on thefact that he was a guy, a cute guy, who talked to you like a human being,or talked to you at all. But you couldn’t stop the way your gut twisted whenyou saw him the next morning, standing topless in the kitchen, hair a mess,shooting you his stupid grin as he made his tea. You also couldn’t help the wayhis voice stuck in your brain, the way his moans invaded your thoughts as you gotyourself off, alone in your bed. But you pushed it to the side. It was a badidea and besides he clearly wasn’t interested.

It wasn’t long before you were introducing Roger asyour best friend. You spent more time with him than anyone else. On the dayswhen your classes lined up you’d meet him afterwards for a drink, sometimesaccompanied by Brian or Tim or Freddie or any number of your friends. You followedhim to every pub in the area to watch his band play, always wishing him luck beforehand and showering him with praise after. It was a nice excuse to look at him withoutthe fear of being caught, taking mental snapshots of the way his face scrunchedup as he played and how his bare chest looked covered in sweat. You’d be lyingif you said it didn’t turn you on. Once a week he’d turn up at the café whereyou waitressed, despite barely having enough money to make rent. He’d order thecheapest thing he could and sit there for an hour or more, making you laughevery time you visited his table. When exams approached you stayed up into theearly hours of the morning studying, which is when he learnt about your tendencyto worry yourself into an anxiety attack, and how to calm you down. You were alwaysmore prone to working yourself into a panic when you were stressed but you couldhave sworn the attacks had been less frequent since you met Roger. You put itdown to his calming voice and charming nature – it had put you at ease thefirst night you met after all – although maybe it was that you just hadn’t hada whole lot to stress about since finding suitable housing.

On quiet nights the two of you would sit at homelistening to records as you finished whatever beer you had on hand and madedinner with whatever scraps were left in the fridge. Roger always tried to keepyou amused with rambling anecdotes and jokes that had you in stitches, or withsuggestions of drinking games.“Ask me a question,”“Rog, I don’t understand how this is a drinking game,”“Because every time you answer a question you drink,”“So we’re just talking and drinking then,”“Well we couldn’t keep playing never have I ever – it always ends with metanked while your barely tipsy. And shit like truth or dare doesn’t work withonly two people.”“So why don’t you invite the others around then? They could bring some ediblefood with them,”“Nah, they’re all busy tonight. Fred and Tim are working on an assignment andBri’s on a date or something. It’s just you and me love.”You tried to ignore the way your heart beat faster, reminding yourself hecalled every pretty girl he talked to love.“Why don’t we go out instead?”“We’re practically broke Y/N. Why pay for beer when we have perfectly alrightstuff here.”“Okay but I’m no where near drunk enough to play some game designed to get meto spill all my secrets.”“Secrets? Who said anything about secrets?”“You know what I mean.”“Oh c’mon, it’ll be fun.”“Will it? My stories are never as good as yours.”“’s not a competition, just wanna get to know you better,” he shrugged beforetaking a swig of his drink.“You have to ask the first question then.” You rolled your eyes at the grinRoger gave you.“First kiss?”“That would be a guy named Peter when I was 18. It was….not good.”“What was so bad about it?”“I don’t know, just didn’t feel anything. I only did it to prove I could do it,not cause I was actually into him.”“So I take it you and this Peter never went any further then,”“You would be correct.”The game continued with the questions getting steadily more risqué as you bothgot tipsier. He told you about his first proper girlfriend and you told him aboutthe time you were stood up only to discover you’d been asked out as a dare. Whenhe told you about accidentally throwing up on the girl he fancied you told himabout the time your last boyfriend fingered you on a crowded bus, so he told youabout the time he’d shagged a girl who wanted to do anal on the first date. Yourcheeks were still burning when he asked his next question and for a moment youdidn’t think you’d heard him properly.“What?”“Can I kiss you?” “K-kiss me?”“Yes, Y/N.”“This is…a joke right? Like a badly timed joke considering I just told you aboutbeing asked out on a dare.”“It wasn’t a joke,”You shook your head, mouth hanging open as you tried to work out what to do. Partof you was screaming at you to fucking say yes but part of you was alsotelling you it was a bad idea and part of you was just confused that he’d askedyou when he could go out and get any number of better girls. You brain wasbuzzing with noise and you could feel your chest getting tight, air notreaching your lungs as you hands trembled slightly.“I c-ca-n’t b-br-,” you stammered, trying to blink away the tears that sprungto your eyes as you clutched your chest.“Woah, woah, Y/N, it’s okay,” Roger’s voice got softer as he reached out foryou, his hands landing on your shoulders, “Hey, we’re gonna breath okay, justbreath. Breath with me. In,” he inhaled, “and out,” he exhaled. You triedto match your breath to his, closing your eyes and focusing on the sound of hisvoice as he instructed you and the way his thumbs were rubbing over yourshoulder. Gradually your breathing returned to normal, the tightness in yourchest subsiding.“Sorry,” you said softly.“No, I knew you weren’t into me and I still asked. I shouldn’t have put you inthat position.”You looked up at him so fast you saw spots, your heart beat speeding up to thepoint it felt like one of his drum solos was being played against your chest.“But I am into you,”“Really?”“Yeah. I didn’t think you’d feel the same though. You never hit on me.”“Yeah because I go to hang out at all my friends workplaces especially when I’mflat fucking broke,”“I thought that was just like, being friendly or something,”“Are you kidding?”“This doesn’t happen all that often to me. I’m not…I don’t… Guys don’t really gofor me, why would you?”“Shit Y/N, here I was thinking I was being super obvious and you’re completelyfucking clueless. I’ve been into you since the day we met. We talked for hoursremember? And the more we’ve hung out the more I’ve wanted to be with you.”“My friends told me you’d try and get me into bed and then I met you and youdidn’t and I figured I wasn’t worth your time.”“I didn’t hit on you because I didn’t want you to think that moving in here wasreliant on sleeping with me. But Christ, Y/N, you are worth every second of mytime.”“But the other girls? The ones you’d bring home and fuck so loudly.”“I was trying to distract myself, to stop thinking about you but it didn’t work.I think I love you. I mean, I know I love you because you’re my best friend,but I think I’m falling for you in a different way too.”You replayed his words in your head, searching for any hint of deception or ahidden agender. You must have been silent for too long because Roger carefullynudged your shoulder.“Are you okay? Still breathing?”You laughed softly, “Yeah, still breathing. Just umm, trying to process it all.We’re roommate’s Rog, as much as I want this to happen, isn’t it a bad idea?”“I’m willing to risk it if you are.”You nervously bit your lip, looking up into his eyes as you nodded, “Yeah, okay.You can kiss me,”Your breath hitched as his lips met yours in a soft, chaste kiss that made yourheart stop altogether. “Better than Peter?”“No competition,”“Didn’t think there would be since I stole your breath just by asking for akiss,”

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

5 Reasons Celiac Disease Is About More Than My Stomach

New blog post!

When you look up "what is celiac disease" online or receive a celiac diagnosis, it may seem like a simple disease at first. In fact, when I'm explaining my condition to new friends, I often just say, "Celiac disease is an autoimmune condition in which ingesting gluten damages the intestines." 

However, in the seven years since my celiac diagnosis, I've realized something: the answer to "What is celiac disease?" can be pretty complicated...because celiac disease is about waaaaay more than just my intestines. Not sure what I mean? In honor of Celiac Awareness Month (and raising celiac awareness all year round!), here are five reasons celiac disease is about much more than my stomach. 

1. The symptoms of celiac disease can manifest themselves in over 300 different ways.

It makes sense to think that a disease centered on intestinal damage would trigger symptoms related to digestion. And, in some dases, that assumption isn't wrong: for instance, my main symptoms of undiagnosed celiac disease were acid reflux, nausea and rapid weight loss. 

However, stomach problems aren't the whole picture. In fact, symptoms of celiac disease can include:

Anemia

Anxiety

Infertility

Headaches or migraines

Fatigue

Discolored teeth

Thin bones or being prone to broken bones

Skin Rashes

and much, much more!

Source

As a result, some people are diagnosed with celiac disease because they are underweight, bloated and have many stomach problems...but not everyone with celiac disease is thin or experiencing stomach issues.

2. The state of my stomach can drastically impact the state of my mind.

You've probably heard the old saying, "You can win a man's heart through his stomach." However, research has only recently discovered how much emotions are tied to the gut. This is called the brain-gut connection, and scientists have found that poor gut health can actually negatively impact people's moods. For example, people with IBS and gut problems to experience more anxiety and depression than expected on average, and an unhealthy gut has also been linked to conditions like chronic fatigue, ADHD, OCD, and Tourette syndrome. I've experienced first-hand how much my stomach problems and medically restricted diet can impact my mindset. When I'm going to a new restaurant with gluten free options or trying a new gluten free product that I'm still not sure will sit well on my stomach, I feel my heart rate increase and my hands start to get sweaty as anxious thoughts swirl through my mind. I think the isolation that can result from not being able to eat "normally" at college pizza parties or out with friends has also contributed to feelings of loneliness, and on days when I wake up randomly super bloated, I definitely have a harder time wearing a smile.

I don't say all this for pity or to suggest that having celiac disease means that I'm constantly anxious, sad or lonely. As I've shared in many posts, you can absolutely thrive with celiac disease and I have not let my gluten free diet hold me back from dating, going on outdoor adventures and eating at plenty of delicious restaurants. However, I do think it is important to make people aware of how much an "upset tummy" can really impact a person's day!

3. Social isolation is one side effect of celiac disease doctors don't warn you about.

Speaking of social isolation...a recent study found that restrictions can contribute to people feeling more lonely or isolated, and I get that. As the study points out, people commonly bond over food and sharing a meal...and when you can't do that, feeling like you belong can be a little bit more challenging. At least in my experience, this is one side effect of the gluten free diet (and life with celiac disease) that no doctor or nutritionist ever warned me about. After my celiac diagnosis, I was given advice on what foods to avoid and the best gluten free brands to buy, but I had no guidance for how to maintain social ties while turning down most of the food ever offered to me.

Source

Six years into having celiac disease, I have a well-stocked toolkit to help me survive any gluten-filled social event. I am open with friends about my dietary needs and am confident in turning down food with a short, "Thank you so much, but I have celiac disease so I can't eat that." And if someone does ask, "What is celiac disease?" in return,  I feel confident enough to explain. In the case of a social invitation where I know gluten-filled food will be involved, I typically:

Eat before the event.

Bring my own food.

Call the restaurant (if applicable) to ask about gluten free options, and eat there if I can safely or follow step 1 or 2.

As it's clear to see, celiac disease is about much more than my stomach - it also requires plenty of thinking ahead and the use of a well-experienced brain. ;)  

4. When I'm "glutened," more than just my stomach can suffer.

Just like celiac disease has plenty of different symptoms, people with celiac disease also experience different side effects of being "glutened" (or exposed to gluten) after going gluten free.

Personally, when I'm glutened, I typically don't feel the effects for a few days. Then, all of a sudden, I'll get extremely tired but also become unable to fall asleep, have massive brain fog and lose my appetite or have an upset stomach. It often takes me about a week to feel normal, and even longer to feel "good" (in terms of my stomach no longer being upset and having extra energy).

Beyond more expected side effects like vomiting or diarrhea, though, people with celiac disease can also experience gluten-triggered depression and fatigue, rashes, joint pain, migraines, blurry vision...I suppose you could say that no part of the body is safe.

5. Celiac disease has become a part of who I am - not just what my stomach is like.

But the biggest reason why celiac disease is about more than my stomach is simple: celiac disease is a part of ALL of me. As I've shared before, I don't make my chronic illnesses my entire identity. However, I think it is impossible to ignore how much celiac disease has shaped who I am today. Because of celiac disease, I am... ...a foodie and a big fan of experimenting with and trying new (gluten free) foods. ...an even bigger lover of planning ahead and sticking to a routine. ...not afraid to stand up for myself or others with invisible and/or chronic illnesses.

And those traits are why, in some moments, I am happy that celiac disease affects more than just my stomach. What is one way you've realized celiac disease affects more than just your stomach? Or what is one way your medical condition affects more than what people might think? Tell me in the comments!

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