#time to suffer for the sake of fanfiction

[cerulianvermillion]

Enemies (with benefits) to lovers Guili hostage prince au where zhongli is the sickly prince of a small kingdom married off to the empire as a consort for a political alliance and Guizhong is the grand empress, rumoured to be heartless and calculating who only wants power.

[nocreativityfornames]

whats your opinion on the whole shipping alastor thing?

I'm not TOO bothered by it?

I mean, as long as you're not a bigoted asshole purposely dismissing this part of his identity because you don't respect the sexuality and the community and wish the writers had written him differently, I don't think it's THAT big of a deal.

Don't get me wrong, I still think it's a bit icky to do it even with no harmful intent. Similarly to how I think it's icky and eyebrow-raising to make a gay character straight for your amusement or to make a POC character white for the same reasons, even if you didn't mean any harm.

But at the end of the day people are going to do whatever they want whenever they want, what a portion of a fandom is doing isn't going to have an impact on the original work, these characters will maintain their intended identities in canon, and I don't have the energy to be arguing with people who'll probably dismiss all I have to say.

I mean, they're already doing that. Because I've seen way too many instances of people yapping "It's fiction, relax!" or "It's a spectrum, just because a person is aroace doesn't mean that they don't have sex/can't date!" whenever an aroace person gives an opinion on this topic that isn't "I'm okay with this and I actually ship aroace characters too."

Anyway, my conclusion is: you wanna take an aroace character and ship them with another character, write x reader fanfiction, etc? Go ahead, it's your life, do your thing. But at least be respectful of that sexuality and the community? Don't be a jerk if an aroace person expresses discomfort with what you're doing or simply disagrees with you, be understanding. 

And to my fellow aroace people and the allies who are out there trying to educate the fandom on our sexuality and express a view of this that isn't the "I'm completely fine with this" one and are being met with the same annoying and repetitive invalidating replies or straight up aro/ace-phobia, just don't engage. For your own sake, just block them. Don't stress yourself out.

But yeah, it's not necessarily the shipping that bothers me, it's the disrespect coming from some people who are into the shipping. It's just... tiring. And I could write a whole essay on how frustrating it is that people don't value platonic relationships as much as romantic ones and how aroace people are just always being dismissed.

But not to end this on a negative note: I loooove that Alastor is aroace and the weirdo has a special place in my heart.

I love his interactions with Lucifer (my 2° fave :^), they're funny as hell and I wanna see more of their friendly rivalry next season. I can see them being that kind of chaotic besties that argue and bicker with each other all the time but are there for one another when shit goes down and I'm so here for it.

He and Rosie are also a delight. Love them with all my heart, I had an amazing time whenever they appeared on the screen together and those were for sure some of my favorite moments.

Also, Vox's being tragically in love with Alastor and not being reciprocated AT ALL it's just funny to me. I don't like TV man, make him suffer. 

Anyway, Alastor is the best character in this goddamn show and I'll fight anyone who says otherwise, thank you for coming to my ted-talk :))))))

[ooppo]

National Bipolar Awareness day - March 30th.

I remember the first time I had a auditory hallucination (that I was aware of) was when I was, like, 15~ years old and I was sitting in my bed reading fanfiction. It was 7 at night when I heard the sound of these musical instruments being knocked together at a steady beat:

I started to look around really, really confused because like where the fuck is this sound even coming from? It sounded like it was being played right near me. So I was looking around until I found the source of the wooden knocking, which was from my stomach. Once I found the source the rhythmic knocking slowly faded until it was silent. Before this incident I had several visual hallucinations of spiders and bugs that weren't there but I attributed that to being tired (after a Google search of 'tired hallucinations') so when faced with this very loud new hallucination at 7PM when I was feeling awake, I told myself "oh. I must be tired." And went to sleep.

Moral of the story is that your brain will downplay the signs of serious mental disorders if you aren't educated in what they are. I think everyone should learn the signs of what mental illnesses look like just so they can help themselves or others. I went undiagnosed for seven years and my father went undiagnosed for nearly 50. The signs were there and obvious to both us and outsiders, but due to a lack of information that could have been cleared up by a simple search of 'bipolar symptoms' 'what are delusions' 'what kinds of hallucinations are there' these symptoms were overlooked.

Serious mental illnesses like bipolar/schizophrenia aren't as uncommon as you think. Here are some popular actors/celebrities who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (ones that are open about it):

I don't want to post a ton of links here so you can Google "celebrity name bipolar disorder" if you'd like to. Historically influential people with a suspected bipolar disorder diagnosis are Virginia Woolf, Vincent Van Gogh, and Edgar Allen Poe.

With national bipolar awareness day coming up (March 30th which is also Van Gogh's birthday) I wanted to post something for it.

So please learn the signs of mental illness for your sake and others. Bipolar disorder is as common as autism. They are both 1 in 100. Schizophrenia is 1 in 300. Ocd is also 1 in 100. Here are some helpful articles about the signs of these illnesses:

Bipolar

Schizophrenia

Ocd

Schizoaffective

Your mentally ill siblings aren't scary boogyman, they are mothers, teachers, artists, lovers, poet's, garbage men, deli workers, etc. They are people.

I remember when my father was diagnosed after me, he told me: "All my life people would ask me, 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' and I would always say, 'I don't know'."

You could be the reason why someone gets help.

No one in my fathers or my life knew what bipolar disorder looked like, so we suffered with it for years unknowingly.

I remember when I was learning the signs when I was suspecting my diagnosis, I had learned the signs for schizophrenia as well (since psychosis is a shared symptom between the two illnesses) and when I saw the symptoms of schizophrenia I remembered my old highschool friend who I thought was weird because he talked about how he could get called into the matrix and would go still for long periods of time when he was "transferring" from this world to the matrix world. Now I see that as possible signs of delusions and catatonia. That weird and off putting kid in school could be suffering unknowingly. Your strange uncle who accuses people of stealing his shoes could be suffering. YOU could be suffering and asking yourself why you're so weird/don't fit in/can't keep up.

So please for national disability month and bipolar awareness day learn some of the symptoms for serious disorders because you or a loved one could be suffering from it without knowing. Thank you.

[destiny-in-the-universe]

remember that angst idea? yeah- I decided to share it anyway!

So, because I made a c.AI bot for my own personal uses- I was hit with a very wild idea of my own design… it’s sort of, well, set in the past using an alternate universe. The starring main duo are the First Ninja who will be getting a name soon and Human! Nomicon (for the sake of the au, they’re brothers! whether this is ‘canon’ to my lore is up for debate) - there is also an alternative version with Rei Izumi but we’ll talk about that one separately!

Here’s honestly my thoughts for the entire AU- (buckle in and hold on to your seatbelt, y’all! This one’s going to be a doozy-)

🗡️ The First Ninja and Nomi are the sole survivors of the Norisu Clan. Ever since the demise of their siblings- they have attempted to continue tradition. The First Ninja is now the sole protector of Norrisville (even though the Sorcerer has been dealt with, he can’t find it in himself to stop-). On the other hand, Nomi is still young and becomes a scribe but he also has ninja training

🗡️ Nomi becomes more reserved than he was previously. He can’t bring himself not to focus on his own studies

🗡️ The First Ninja also begins to act differently- (he still remembers the destruction and the fire, the screams as he was forced to helplessly watch)

🗡️ Somewhere down the line, Finja and Nomi decide to begin working on the NinjaNomicon - to create a tome to store the teachings and wisdom of the Ninja; for the future holder of the mantle

🗡️ Unfortunately- someone else becomes power-hungry and Finja is sent out to deal with the problem, undergoing a mission while Nomi continues staying in Norrisville but things inevitably… go south

🗡️ Due to still cartoon-based logic- and because this is angst- the Sorcerer manages to be freed from his prison and captures the First Ninja. He holds him hostage inside the depths of an underground cave, determined to make him suffer before killing him

🗡️ One of Finja’s allies manages to report to Nomi who immediately jumps ship at rescuing his brother- no matter what happens, Nomi is not about to let his brother die at the hands of the Sorcerer

🗡️ After a lot of searching- Nomi manages to find the cave and sneaks inside, startled to see his older brother weakened and bound by enchanted chains. (He does not take this well, at all-)

🗡️ Having learned magic, Nomi is desperate to cast a counter-spell but before he can fully free his brother- the Sorcerer and Nomi are now locked in a duel. The problem is Nomi’s not mastered his abilities yet- as he is a teenager and still learning

🗡️ Nomi is slowly weakening against the Sorcerer but he’s fueled by the determination to protect his brother and in a sudden act of rage- he manages to knock the Sorcerer back and due to the power of ‘I said so’ - the Sorcerer is sealed away back in his prison but Nomi is exhausted and barely manages to stay upright

🗡️ Unfortunately, Finja is also immensely weak- bruised and battered- and they hardly have the energy to do much. I’m going to ignore what actually happened with the c.AI and say either Rei shows up to get them out of there before they inevitably pass out or Nomi uses the last bit of his strength to escape the cave with Finja

🗡️ I’m not entirely sure what happens after this but let’s just say that the recovery period happens and eventually they manage to complete the NinjaNomicon and well, I do have a bad ending version for this because I’m mean but at the same time, if things play out well, everything goes back to normal

This is still being fleshed out! Nothing is concrete for the time being! I might honestly turn this into yet another fanfiction- I have constant brainrot and far too many WIP’s this is a problem, holy shit

This is for my own angst reasons

[inquisitor13]

Hi. I haven't been writing headcanons for a long time, but now I have some ideas in my head that I've been trying to refine for a long time. At the moment, I'm working on some fanfiction for which I need inspiration, and in order for me to have it, I decided to revive my small column with headcanons on The Arcana.

Quaestor Valdemar x Pontifex Vulgora headcanons

I am more than sure that Vulgora occupies the "main" position in this relationship. They initiate many key moments, starting with dates and ending with kisses with other more intimate things. But this is not because Valdemar are passive or they are not interested in this relationship. More about this in the next paragraph.

Valdemar is not the kind of being who is well or even moderately versed in romance and in building a loving relationship with anyone. They are not passive, but they are also not inclined to take the first steps too often, however, if Valdemar still decide to take the initiative, then this exceeds all expectations, at least in relation to those with whom they are close. And this place in their heart in this case is occupied only by Vulgora. For their sake, Valdemar is more than capable of learning to understand the essence of building a romantic relationship, but it still won't look the way people do it. Valdemar have their own language of love, which they learn to show towards Vulgora, learning more and more about it.

However, Vulgora is also loved in its own way. And that's what makes these two look like each other. Both are immortal beings, whose age is either approaching a thousand, or has long crossed this boundary. But to be more precise, in my head Vulgora is younger than Valdemar, but not by much, to call it an impressive age difference.

Valdemar is by no means a passive partner in this relationship, despite having less initiative. With the development of these relationships, their dominant personality side is quite capable of revealing itself in some moments. It's not as fervent and passionate as Vulgora's, but more harsh and cold-blooded, but since Valdemar knows the measure and knows how to try on this quality when it's appropriate, it drives the younger demon crazy.

And the first thing Valdemar does after one of the nights together is hear something like this from Vulgora in the early morning: "DAMN IT, WHY DID YOU HIDE IT BEFORE?! IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!"

Vulgora is definitely the defender in this relationship most of the time, and Valdemar are the ones who are protected. Vulgora are ready to literally gut with their bare hands anyone who dares to look at Valdemar the wrong way or leave a comment. For the latter, by the way, Vulgora will not hesitate to rip out this unfortunate person's tongue.

However, when it comes to really serious things, rather than simple showdowns with people, Valdemar stands up. Their defense techniques are more subtle and sophisticated. And this is applied only in the most extreme cases. They know that Vulgora will fight to the last for the chance to protect both themselves and their partner, so Valdemar will not take away this chance from them if there is no real danger on the horizon, because of which Vulgora can theoretically suffer due to their own inattention or overconfidence. Valdemar will simply turn a creature that dared to cause trouble for Vulgora into a pile of dismembered minced meat and a mug of blood.

Of course, there are a lot of rumors about the relationship between these two at court, because neither Valdemar nor Vulgora see any point in following universal rules and declaring each other partners in front of everyone. This becomes obvious over time and no one in the couple tries to hide it, just as they advertise it. They just most often appear together at common events or somewhere else, sometimes holding hands and showing signs of attention towards each other. However, Vulgora is more prone to publicity than Valdemar and at the first time of a love relationship, they do not hesitate to yell at someone who will allow themselves to stare at Valdemar. It would be something like, "WHERE ARE YOU LOOKING, YOU MISERABLE PEASANT?! TURN YOUR EYES AWAY, IT'S MINE!"

Valdemar, as a rule, react very calmly to the manifestation of Vulgora's possessive nature and accept it without trying to change them. They are more than satisfied with this, because they still have no goal to build a close relationship with someone else.

Among other things, Valdemar is not at all worried about the physical manifestations of affection on the part of Vulgora. These are, of course, love bites, and everywhere, wherever their sharp greedy teeth can reach. Despite the fact that Valdemar's body is always hidden under clothes, Vulgora find a way to mark them so that absolutely everyone can see it. For example, hickeys on the cheeks, sometimes very bright.

In bed, Valdemar often puts power in the hands of Vulgora, allowing them to act in the main role. But it's not that simple. Valdemar can take the role of a hidden leader, allowing Vulgora to think that they are in charge of the process. They just like to see their beloved red beetle having fun in full.

Valdemar, taking a position "from below", can easily turn Vulgora into a trembling puddle of tenderness, just by telling them the right words. And they know how to get to the very heart of Vulgora. It works flawlessly.

That's all for today. But I know for sure that I will soon write the second part of the headcanons with this amazing couple. I just need to formulate the rest of my thoughts on this topic. And I do not exclude that I will even write headcanons related to NSFW in more detail. If that happens, it will be my favorite part.

[i-will-steal-your-intestines]

I’m feeling kind of sad. because. why is it that almost everytime I’m reading a fic I really love, the author is suffering?? like I’ll be so happy with the chapter, and then I’ll look at the author notes, and I will see that the author has encountered some form or the other of a tragedy or difficult circumstance in the time that they took to update. and they still chose to update btw, keep that in mind.

illness, surgery, death of a loved one, almost dying themselves, homelessness, the threat of homelessness, losing a job, going through a breakup or a rough patch in their relationships, caring for sick parents, having their parents divorce, etc. etc. they’re always going through something really, for gods sake I remember there was one where their house and most of their belongings burnt down, I think, it’s like a curse, that if you write good fanfiction you must go through misfortune at all turns of your life.

honestly I wish you all fic writers a very happy and safe, fulfilling easy life, and thank you for still continuing to write and contribute to the community even while going unimaginable horrors, I appreciate you and your efforts, love you 🫶🏼.

[morverenmaybewrites]

🍓🕯️🎲🍬 for the sake game (if you’re still doing it)

I am! Thanks for participating, anon! 🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?  My memory's got more holes than swiss cheese so this may not be the most accurate, but I remember just looking up certain characters on the internet and coming across several fanfiction websites (RIP Lunaescence, you will be missed). And just being absolutely in love with the idea of making stories for characters I love. 🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that? 10.

I'd give it a hundred if I could. My first drafts are borderline incoherent, one thought flowing into the next as I try to catch up with my thoughts. And honestly, this is the hard part. It's the trying to hammer down onto paper what you have visualized in your head part. It's the part where you have to turn vaguely-coherent daydreams into vaguely-coherent words. And the result is a mishmash of sentences I think are pretty and three word plot points and ✨vibes ✨. But after that? When I already have a general structure to follow, a path down a previously untravelled road, and the rest is just making it beautiful? Oh, I love that. 🎲 ⇢ What stops you from writing more in your free time?

The soul-destroying exhaustion from my job and my crippling depression.

Also, procrastination.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

If I had an unpopular opinion, I guess it's this: In general (unless it's an AU specifically catering to the idea, I guess?), I don't want Jason Todd to leave Gotham City and start a new life. Would it be healthier for him? Possibly (even likely!) Maybe it would even be better for him to go no or low-contact with his family, especially Bruce, who both consciously and unconsciously has brought him so much suffering. But I like the idea of Gotham City having a certain, almost eldritch hold, on its inhabitants. I love the idea of how, no matter how far they go or try to escape it, they will always find a way back. But I also love the idea of Jason eventually learning to accept Gotham City again, the way he learns to accept himself. After all, it is a little bit like him: something that some people have already given up on. I love the idea of Jason looking out at this city that regular people would find uninhabitable--the city that raised him, the city that murdered him, the city that is a little bit like him--and finding something worthy of love.

[theamityelf]

Okay, not to be unbearable, but the worst movie thing that keeps finding its way into Hunger Games fanfiction is the idea that mentors, when sending parachutes for their tributes, were allowed to send little notes with the gifts. (I have read some really amazing fanfiction that included this, so I'm not saying it ruins stories; I'm just saying I personally wish it didn't crop up as much as it does.)

Obviously, the reason this was done in the movie was so that the audience could understand, for example, that Haymitch's gifts were meant to egg Katniss on to continue the lover charade, and stuff like that, since it would be hard for a movie to demonstrate the internal calculations Katniss was doing in the book to identify what Haymitch meant by the contents and timing of each gift. I understand why the movies did this.

I do not believe a written story benefits from doing this, and in fact I think a written story suffers from doing this. First of all, the internal calculations and interpretations of the gifts were a joy to read, and replacing that with short notes really feels like it dumbs that aspect of the story down, even if functionally the narrative effect is the same. Second of all, allowing the mentors to send little notes, even if we assume for the sake of fairness that maybe there are rules in place that wouldn't allow them to just go "Your opponent is hiding in a cave to the south" or "There's water over there", just decreases the value of the gifts themselves in a way I think kind of undermines the point of the sponsor system? The sponsorships weigh the Games in favor of the popular tributes; this is a feature and not a bug. But if even the least popular tribute can get an empty (or very cheap) parachute with a helpful note in it, then all of a sudden we're using a Game mechanic as an equalizer, just like Haymitch killing with the force field.

[attorneys-against-court-violence]

I love Luke Atmey's thought process for how utterly deranged yet brilliant it is.

You could not write a more obvious "smart but neglected" character architype if you tried so I'm not even going to bother pointing that out. His name literally is "Look At Me!" (or "I Want Love!" in the Japanese version) and Phoenix guesses that he was something of a chronic attention seeker as a kid, we can take a hint. He's an Ace Detective, sure, but even the life of an eccentric private eye didn't draw enough public eyes to him. He needed MORE.

Enter Mask DeMasque; an equally eccentric thief who Atmey could have very easily caught on the first go. He knew it was Ron Delite from the first heist and getting a valuable gem back would get him some attention.

Buuuuuuuuuut... what's more exciting? A one-off defeat with no sign of a return? Or an epic battle of the minds between the so-called Phantom Thief and the Ace Detective?!

Atmey being Atmey, he chose the option that would net him the most attention. It's no good if he just leaves it to chance, of course - he may suffer a humiliating defeat or win just a little too soon to milk the dynamic for all it's worth... Wait. He knows who Mask DeMasque is. Atmey holds a key bit of leverage over Ron here. What if he were to blackmail him into following a set script and disguise it as a grand battle of law and larceney?

And thus the great rivalry was born. Atmey had full control over not just what heists Ron pulled, but also whether he won or lost the intellectual battles since Ron was told to leave the treasures with his blackmailer. He did have to pay Ron as an incentive, though it was always pretty low compared to the actual value of the items he stole. Not that Ron cared, he just wanted to make his wife happy, nor did Atmey - the man seems pretty well-off himself. It was never about the money after all. It was about the theatrics. The adoration and attention from people who wouldn't give this proboscis monkey a second glance otherwise.

Enter Kane Bullard. He seems to think Luke Atmey is the true mastermind behind the Phantom Thief - not that he was blackmailing Mask DeMasque, but that Atmey WAS said larsonist.

Can you imagine? Luke Atmey, Ace Detective, was the great theif he did battle with all along? That would be ridiculous! A ludicrous twist of fate! A scandal the likes of which no man thought he'd ever see!

See... See.......

See, this what I mean by "deranged yet brilliant". Luke Atmey saw someone threatening to undo his whole scheme and at least one of the thoughts that entered his head was:

"Holy shit I'd be so famous if it were true"

The pieces were all in-place; he had full leverage over Ron as his blackmailer, a new treasure in the form of Ami's urn was making its debut, and he had an idea or two about who it is that's threatening his entire scheme.

And he did it purely because he was so infatuated by the idea the man who was blackmailing him had inadvertandly presented. He wanted to be found guilty of being Mask DeMasque, not just to exploit the Double Jeopardy laws and get off scott-free with killing Bullard, but to also cement his legacy as a living legend of both law and larceney. Theft of a dingy urn wouldn't even be that serious a crime to be charged with, especially compared to murder. He'd happily take some jail time and endless press coverage over being found out as a blackmailer and a killer.

The scary part is? It almost WORKED! The only thing that caught him out at the end was an unfortunate slip of the tongue not even brought out not by Phoenix himself. Otherwise his innocence in Bullard's murder was iron-clad from a legal perspective (or at least from the perspective of whatever the fuck's happening in Ace Attorney's legal system). I've heard it said that his plan was Gant-tier foresight and I can't help but agree. The man goes way too hard for a second case villain, debatably only being matched by SoJ's second case villain long afterwards.

All for the sake of whatever fanfiction bullshit he wrote in his head about himself. Based purely on a misunderstanding from his BLACKMAILER of all people. Just because it would net him the most attention humanly possible given the circumstances.

How easy would it have been to send Ron to face the consequences of Bullard's snooping in his stead? Would it have been worth the risk of Ron revealing that he had been recieving blackmail of his own? But that's the thing. It wouldn't be a fitting end to the great rivalry for some schmuck like Bullard to defeat either man out of the blue like this. Atmey would've fallen into obscurity, either because he'd lost his greatest gimmick or because he'd be found a blackmailer.

He made the best out of a bad situation in a way that only someone as batshit insane as the one and only Ace Detective would ever think to do. He is ridiculous and I absolutely love him.

Jury is out on whether he'd remain an Ace Detective after the fact. I don't think he thought about his job security when coming up with his scheme.

[lelitachay]

Frozen fanfiction: Søsken

Summary: An accident in the North Mountain forces Elsa to spend several weeks in her brother’s apartment under Anna’s care. During that time, Anna realises there is more to Elsa than meets the eye. The truth about Elsa’s past comes to light after an unexpected family reunion, and both girls’ lives begin to fall apart when they realise Elsa wasn’t the only one with a big secret and a turbulent past.

Anna/Kristoff - Elsa - Family - Family drama - hurt/comfort - Modern AU - Elsa & Kristoff are adoptive brother and sister - Ice bros - Found family - Serious injuries - Mental health issues - Health issues - Frohana

Links:

Fanfiction.net - HERE AO3 - HERE

Tumblr -

Chapters 1 to 10 - Here Chapters 11 to 20 - Here Chapters 21 to 30 - Here Chapters 31 to 40 - Here Chapter 41 to 50 - Here

-

Silver lining

The slam of the front door caught Anna by surprise. Placing the knife on the cutting board, she dried her hands with the dishcloth and turned around to see Kristoff go about his evening routine. He had already taken off his muddy boots, leaving them forgotten by the door. He then took his jacket off and left it on the hanger before he squatted on the ground to greet Sven.

Her lips turned upwards as she watched her boyfriend scratch the dog’s ears and mumble to him. Anna stayed quiet, allowing him a moment with his dog. No matter how much time Anna spent with Sven, she knew she was no replacement for Kristoff or Elsa. And even if she had no way to prove it, Anna was certain Sven was suffering alongside the family. Perhaps it was the long hours he spent alone in the apartment, or Kristoff’s sombre mood; but whatever it was, it had been enough for Sven to notice something wasn't right. And ever since Elsa had fallen ill, the dog spent his days laying on the sofa, waiting impatiently for either Kristoff or Elsa to show up.

Keeping one hand on Sven’s head, Kristoff stood up and finally locked eyes with Anna. A small, tired smile drew on his face and Anna felt her chest constricting. She was tired of seeing him hide his sadness behind forced smiles. Smiles Anna knew were solely for her and his family’s sake. The bags under his eyes and the wrinkles between his eyebrows were a telltale of his sleepless nights and the concern he couldn't mask.

Shaking off the awful feeling, Anna smiled back, her grin a clear contrast to Kristoff’s forced smile. There was so much she wanted to tell him, but she thought it was best to give him a minute. Allow him to talk about his day and then give him the news. “Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” he said without enthusiasm. He walked towards the closest chair and sat down with a tired sigh.

“How was your day?” The question was stupid, Anna knew. It was late in the evening, meaning Kristoff had worked overtime and missed his chance to visit his sister yet again.

“Absolute rubbish.”

“I’m sorry,” she said as she turned around and picked up the knife to continue cooking while he vented. “Is your boss giving you a hard time?”

The owner of the ice factory had always been a reasonable man; but even if he had the best intentions, Kristoff was still one of the few people who could be in charge of the plant whenever he was not around.

“No. Not really.” He walked to the fridge and grabbed a drink. He closed the door and leaned against it to watch Anna cook. “He’s been more than understanding given the situation. When Elsa got sick, Jorgen and I agreed I would work with the guys during the morning and early afternoon. On his part, he would work the afternoon and evening shift on his own, allowing me to get off from work earlier. The boss didn't mind, as long as there was someone at the plant at all times…”

“Okay… That sounds reasonable.”

“Guess who broke a foot yesterday?”

Anna stopped chopping and turned to him. “Is Jorgen okay?”

He nodded as he took a long sip from the bottle. “The idiot broke his foot skateboarding.”

Anna stopped what she was doing once again, her brows knitting together as she tried to put a face to the name. “I thought Jorgen was the man I met at the company’s party last year.”

“He is.”

Anna looked at Kristoff. The man she was thinking about was at least fifteen years older than Kristoff. She even remembered meeting his wife and daughters. “Oh, I wouldn’t have thought he knew how to skateboard.”

“He doesn't,” Kristoff said, breathing out tiredly.

“What do you mean he doesn’t?”

“He bought his first skateboard three weeks ago.”

“What was he thinking?

“How could I know? Something tells me his midlife crisis had a lot to do with that stupid idea.” Kristoff exclaimed and Anna couldn't help but laugh. She could understand her boyfriend’s frustration perfectly well, but his exasperated tone of voice made her crack nonetheless. At least her laugh made him smile. “Boss said he'll try to find someone to cover his shifts, until then I've got to stay over time. Stupid idiot.”

Anna chuckled and returned her attention to her task at hand. “He didn't do it on purpose, honey.”

“Of course not,” Kristoff agreed. “But I hope he learns a lesson.”

The way he kept scraping the label off his bottle told Anna he was feeling uneasy. Knowing exactly the reason why, Anna thought it was best to finally share the news with him.

“Kristoff, there’s—”

“Did you get to see Elsa today?” he interrupted, not realising Anna was trying to say something.

“I did,” she said. Once again, she stopped cooking and turned to him. “I got home an hour or so ago. I've got some news…”

“No,” he was quick to say, walking away from Anna. “No, no.”

Anna turned around, her eyes narrowing. “What?”

“I don’t think I can take any more bad news, Anna.” He slouched on the chair and tipped his head back, staring at the ceiling. “I just can’t.

Sitting next to him, Anna leaned forward. He was avoiding her eyes but Anna didn’t mind, all he needed to do was listen. “The antibiotics are winning. Blood pressure is going up. Oxygen levels are higher than Nielsen expected…”

She trailed off, allowing Kristoff a moment to process the information. It took a couple of seconds, but finally he sat up. “What?”

A smile plastered on Anna’s face. “They've decided to wean her off sedation.”

Anna wasn’t entirely sure what reaction to expect out of Kristoff, but not once did she expect him to stare unfocused at the floor, unresponsive.

“Honey, did you hear what I just said?” Placing a hand on his knee, she explained herself better. “She’s going to be fine.”

Kristoff barely glanced at her before he focused on her hand. He stared at it, until he finally held it tight.

Anna stared at their intertwined hands as well, unsure of what to say. After a moment, a slight tremor caught her attention and she looked up to see Kristoff crying.

“Kristoff?” she asked, unsure if he had heard her correctly.

“I fucking needed this,” he choked out. “I don't know how much longer I could've put up with this shit. I—” Unable to continue, he wrapped Anna in a tight hug and hid his face in the crook of her neck.

Anna froze in place, surprised to see his hard shell cracking. For days she had been expecting him to reach a breaking point, knowing the worry was steadily dragging him down. Though, she was surprised to see it happen at that moment. Unsure of what else to do, Anna hugged him tight, glad he was finally letting it all out.

I took Kristoff a couple of minutes to regain some composure and calm down enough to be able to speak again. He let go of Anna and scrubbed his face with both hands, trying in vain to erase any vestige of his emotional breakdown. When he finally looked at her, Anna was glad to see an honest smile drawing on his face, despite his watery eyes.

“I should probably call dad,” Kristoff said when the implications of the news finally hit him. “See if mum needs anything.”

“She's not staying at the hospital tonight,” Anna called after him when stood up to look for the phone.

He picked the phone and turned around to look at her. “I thought you said they'd begun weaning her off the drug.”

“Nielsen said it'll take several hours for her to start responding,” she said. “He insisted Gerda went home tonight.”

“Is Marshall staying, then?”

With a nod of her head, Anna explained what Nielsen had told them earlier that day. “Marshall needs to keep an eye on Elsa’s powers. Nielsen is convinced they’ll react before Elsa’s fully conscious.”

Kristoff pursed his lips. “They don't really work that way. But I think it's safe to be prepared.” He then dialled his parents’ number. “I'm glad Elsa had the chance to talk to the big guy before all this,” he told Anna while he waited. “At least he knows what to expect. You were right about him.”

Anna nodded but stayed quiet, unsure of what to say. She was glad Kristoff and his family were on better terms with Marshall now that he was giving them a hand. After all, Marshall was indeed doing everything in his power to help like she had originally imagined. Sadly, Anna wasn’t entirely sure she had done the right thing. Ever since her conversation with Lena, Anna didn’t know what to expect anymore. She had been reading, trying to find information about his disorder; and so far, everything she’d been able to find on the matter did nothing but increase Anna’s ever present worry.

--

Promising his father to be at their place before sunrise, Kristoff hung up the phone and walked back to the kitchen. The conversation with Kai had helped him remain calm and control his need to go to the hospital as soon as possible. Even when he knew it was useless to go outside the scheduled visiting hours, he couldn’t help but feel anxious about seeing Elsa. He had only seen her twice in the last five days, and now that he knew she’d be waking up soon, he had to control himself not to go sit in the waiting room until she did. At least, he had found a good excuse to stop by the hospital the following morning. He could drop his mother off before work, stay a few minutes and wait for Marhall or Nielsen to give him a report on Elsa’s health. It wasn’t the same as seeing Elsa, but at least he would go to work knowing more about his sister’s condition.

He entered the kitchen and smiled when he saw Anna. She was too focused on the plating of their dinner to notice him, and he was glad that was the case. He knew exactly why she had chosen to cook an elaborate dish for them that night. Early on in their relationship, Kristoff discovered Anna enjoyed reading cooking books and trying new exotic dishes. She didn’t care too much about cooking on a daily basis, but she was fond of the challenge of trying to cook a new dish from time to time. Following the intrinsicate steps, controlling the time and ingredients, making sure the dish looked just like in the pictures… Those were the things that fascinated her, and whenever she had the time or needed a distraction —like she desperately needed lately—, she’d get to work on a new, extravagant dish. Her hobby was something Kristoff enjoyed as well, and there were times he made sure to find strange dishes for her to try. Given the stress of the last few weeks, Kristoff thought it was more than obvious for Anna to try and find a distraction. Especially now that they both were impatient to see Elsa and all they could do was wait.

Thinking it was best to give her a hand with the table, he began moving the books and things that were scattered over the table.

“How’s your dad?” Anna asked when she finally heard him moving around the kitchen.

“Optimistic,” Kristoff answered with a small smile. It was a nice change to hear his father being confident things would turn out for the best for once. “Mum was already asleep. Dad says she plans to show up at the hospital around six instead of eight like she usually does. I offered to pick her up.”

“They won’t let you see Elsa, honey.”

Kristoff knew she was only trying to save him the disappointment, but still he wished she’d be a bit more positive about it. “I can be charming when I want, a nurse might take pity on me.”

Anna chuckled and looked at him over her shoulder. “As long as they don’t confuse being charming with flirting…”

“You know better than anyone I have no game,” laughed Kristoff.

“I know,” Anna said with a smirk. “But some of those nurses are sleep deprived and haven’t seen the outside world in over twelve hours.”

“Ouch.”

“I love you.” Her merry voice said before Kristoff had the chance to complain.

“See, you say those words,” Kristoff said, standing behind her. “Though I don’t think you really know what they mean.”

“Shut up. You know I’m crazy about you.”

Kristoff grinned, knowing it was true. To his good luck, she was very much in love with him. He kissed her cheek and went back to his task at hand. He picked Anna’s bag and put some of her school supplies inside. He placed a couple of books in there as well and left it on the closest armchair. Being careful not to mix up the papers and documents scattered on the table, he placed one on top of the other, and moved them to the small coffee table in the living room. As he was placing them down in the right order, a small leaflet called his attention. He left it on the side and finished what he was doing before he picked it up again. He skimmed the content quickly. The different pictures printed on it piqued his curiosity even further.

“What’s this?” he asked, unsure why the whole leaflet was filled with images of people displaying violent acts.

Anna turned around, glancing quickly at him to see what he was talking about. As soon as she saw the red and blue pamphlet, Anna’s face paled. “Oh, umm… Nothing. You can put that away. Food will be ready soon.”

“IED?” Kristoff read out loud. “What's ‘IED’?”

“It’s nothing,” Anna insisted. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Dyscontrol syndrome.” Kristoff continued reading in silence for a while until a list of the common signs of the mental disorder were listed and he began reading them aloud: “Uncontrollable rage, shouting, threatening people… The list goes on and on. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound like nothing. Can you imagine dealing with a person like this? I’d be on edge at all times.”

When Anna didn’t answer, Kristoff looked up. She was still looking in his direction, the plating of their food forgotten, but her eyes were fixed on the floor instead of him.

“Are you okay?”

“Oh?” Anna said, meeting his eyes for a brief moment before she turned around and picked up the plates in a hurry. “Yes. Of course. Just thinking.”

“About?” Kristoff wondered. He knew perfectly well there was something she wasn’t telling him.

“It doesn't matter.” Anna placed the food on the table and looked up with a nervous smile.

Kristoff skimmed the rest of the information written and noticed there was a phone number circled at the very end. This was all the confirmation he needed to know there was something troubling Anna. “What’s this about, Anna?”

“Okay…”

She hesitated and he felt sick at the pit of his stomach.

“First of all, don't get mad. Just listen.”

He glanced at the pictures on the leaflet once again and then tried to meet Anna’s eyes, afraid he’d see fear written in them. “Anna… I’ve been irritable these past few weeks. More distant. But it hasn’t been that bad, has it? I mean, the lack of sleep and constantly worrying about Elsa has taken a toll on me, I know, but I would never— I don’t recall doing any of these—”

Anna gasped and, without hesitation, she crossed the room to stand in front of him. “Honey, no.” She said with a sad smile. She placed her hands on top of his, crumpling the piece of paper and throwing it to the floor. “You’ve never done anything that can be considered even remotely violent.”

He looked at her hands, still holding his before he dared meet her eyes. “If I ever raised my voice at you, I swear I—”

“This has nothing to do with you. I’d say I’m way more violent than you could ever be,” Anna chuckled.

Her small smile and the tender love in her eyes helped Kristoff understand she was being honest and he breathed out in relief. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he ever behaved in such a deplorable way.

Bending down, he picked the crumpled pamphlet and showed it to Anna once again. “Then what’s this?”

Anna glanced at the paper once more, finally noticing the red circle. She sighed nervously and guided Kristoff back to the closest chair. “The other day I ran into Marshall's mother,” she began to explain. “Well, I didn't run into her. We were at her house after all. You can't run into someone in their own home, can you?”

“Anna,” Kristoff warned, knowing she was sidetracking.

“Right, right.” She patted the air between them. “I was waiting for Marshall to get ready before we went back to the hospital and she—”

“When was this?”

“The day I asked Marshall to look after Elsa. Anyway, she began talking to me. She mentioned how being allowed to see Elsa would help Marshall with…” With a nod of her head, Anna pointed to the pamphlet he was still holding. “I haven't been able to stop thinking about it ever since. I asked the campus librarian if there were any books about this disorder. He suggested I’d better talk to the university counsellor.”

“And I guess you did.” It was clear that’s where Anna had gotten the pamphlet in the first place.

“I think she was concerned about my well-being and ended up circling the emergency number for me.”

Breathing in deeply, Kristoff pinched the brink of his nose and breathed out slowly. He was doing his best to remain calm, but life kept insisting things had to be hard. Permanently hard. And difficult. And unbearably complicated. “What exactly did the counsellor say about this?” he asked, smacking the folded paper on the table.

“Umm… It’s a mental disorder. The person suffering from it has no control over their violent outbursts.”

Biting his lower lip, Kristoff took a moment to understand what it all meant. “You're telling me Marshall could impulsively attack someone with no control whatsoever?”

“His mother said it's in remission,” Anna offered, hoping that would help him stay calm. 

Her worried smile did nothing to help, however. “Anna, you’ve seen the way he acts. It doesn't sound like remission to me.”

“I know. I know.” Anna repeated, as she rubbed her face. She was finally letting the overly optimistic mask slip. And once it did, Kristoff was surprised to see how truly concerned she was. “That’s why I can’t stop thinking about it. What if I made a mistake? Do you think I made a mistake? What if Kai was right? I mean, look at this.” She grabbed the crumpled paper once again and began reading out loud. “Outbursts are, more often than not, too extreme for the situation. They occur on and off unannounced, causing major distress for everyone involved.

“When she said he had an ‘explosive disorder’, I thought she meant he got mad from time to time. Madder than the average person, sure. But I never thought…” She trailed off, stopping to think before her eyes met his filled with trepidation. “What about the night he tried to beat the crap out of Hans? Do you think he was being serious?”

“Anna…”

“What about him getting fired? Kai and Nielsen said he got into a fight. Didn’t they mention him beating someone up to a pulp?” Kristoff had no chance to answer before she continued, “I’m so sorry, Kristoff. I shouldn't have told Nielsen about him. I should've kept my mouth shut for once.”

“Wait no,” Kristoff said, holding Anna’s hand and stopping her tirade before her anxiety blew things out of proportion. “I won’t let you do this.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, too tense to even try to understand what he was trying to say.

Only then Kristoff noticed her eyes welling up with tears and he tried to remain calm and offer Anna some comfort. “I'm not letting you take the blame. We all agreed he was a good choice. Even Nielsen said he was our best option… Perhaps, you did the right thing, Anna. We both know Marshall wouldn’t have taken no for an answer.” He waited for her to nod before he continued. “Elsa’s been friends with him for over three years now. She seems to know he’s got a temper, she’s used to it.”

“It’s not just a temper, Kristoff.”

He grabbed the leaflet once more and read the most important details once again. “Not once has Elsa mentioned anything like this. Perhaps it's not this bad.” He looked up and noticed Anna staring at him with an incredulous expression. “What?”

Anna put her hand on top of Kristoff’s, caressing his knuckles. “I’d like to stay positive, and I’m glad you’re trying as well… It’s just— I was certain you would freak out when you found out about this.”

“I am freaking out.” Kristoff laughed humorlessly. “I guess I’m trying not to let this change things. Marshall is helping, isn't he? He’s been doing exactly what he was told. Nielsen trusts him and mum is finally allowing herself to sleep.”

“Maybe you’re right. He seems calmer now,” agreed Anna. “It has helped him, just like Lena said.”

“Who’s Lena?”

“Marshall’s mother.” Anna chuckled.

Kristoff nodded and they both stayed silent, wondering if continuing to trust Marshall was in fact a good idea. Anna was the first to interrupt their pensive mood.

“What about later on? When this is all over…”

“There isn’t much we can do,” admitted Kristoff. “I don't think this will change the way Elsa feels about the guy. I'll try to keep an eye open. Talk to him if I ever get the chance.”

“But what if—”

“I’m no better than my aunt and uncles if I say Elsa is better off without him in her life.”

--

From the very first night, Marshall realised there was a change in the atmosphere in the early morning hours. Even in the remote room he could hear the sound of silence at the break of dawn. It was a strange feeling, if he thought about it. Under any other circumstances, he would have loved the peace and quiet. With Elsa unconscious by his side, he couldn't say he enjoyed it anymore. It reminded him of the deafening silence of the witching hour when he was a kid. Dreadfully quiet.

For this reason, he was very much surprised when a voice interrupted the silence for a second time that night.

“Any changes?” Nielsen’s voice echoed in the small room and Marshall had to blink a few times to make sure the man was actually standing by the door.

He had lowered his guard, it seemed. He hadn’t heard him getting closer, even when he had spent most part of the night alert of any undesirable visitors lurking in the hall. Had he fallen asleep, perhaps? It didn't seem likely.

Knowing the old doctor was a man who didn't like wasting time, he glanced at Elsa quickly, trying to find anything worth mentioning. She was still resting peacefully. The machines kept the air flowing and her heart rate in check, like they had done all night.

Nielsen watched him expectantly, while Gerda waited just outside the door for the man to move and let her into the room.

“Nothing. I know it takes time for a person to start responding,” he said, feeling chattier than usual. Tiredness did that to him at times. “But I’ll be lying if I said I wasn’t hoping she’d start regaining consciousness during the night.”

Nielsen nodded and walked into the room. Gerda followed suit and greeted him with a gentle smile.

“Here, allow me.” Marshall stood up, ignoring the stiffness in his legs, and offered Gerda the only chair in the room. He knew she was there to stay, even when there was still two hours left before her shift. He couldn’t blame the woman, though. As soon as Nielsen had informed them Elsa would eventually come out of the coma, he noticed the spark in her eyes, silently begging for the doctor to let her stay during the night.

Gerda thanked him and sat down, wasting no time to hold the hand he had previously been holding. He didn’t mind swapping places. There was no-one who’d offer Elsa more comfort than the old woman if she were to wake up.

A nurse walked into the room and requested him to move, drawing his attention back to the doctor. Nielsen was already checking Elsa’s vital signs and giving orders to the young girl who had just entered. The room felt even smaller than a moment before and he knew it was a matter of time until he was requested to leave.

“Do you need help?” he offered before he could think of anything better to say. “I could stay.”

“Go home and rest.” Nielsen dismissed him with a shake of his head.

There was no need for him to stay. No task to be fulfilled. Yet his feet felt glued to the ground; a knot tightening in his stomach at the idea of walking out of the room.

“Hålkesen,” Nielsen called his name, his voice a clear warning. “I said, go home.”

He looked at Elsa once again. Her breathing was still matching the ventilator rate and there were no signs of her responding. She was still completely vulnerable and Marshall didn’t feel comfortable leaving her that day. At least until he was certain someone would stay by Elsa's side at all times.

“Could I talk to you, then? In private.”

This piqued not only Nielsen’s but Gerda’s curiosity. The nurse looked at him as well and he wondered what was so difficult to understand about the idea of privacy.

“Is it truly important?”

Marshall's silence and seriousness seemed to be enough for Nielsen to trust his word. And so, with a sigh he handed his pen to the nurse and motioned for him to step out of the room. “Update her chart, please.”

Before the doctor walked out, Marshall noticed the subtle gesture he made, intended for only Gerda to see.

After closing the door behind him, Nielsen crossed his arms and waited impatiently for Marshall to speak. “This better be important.” 

What had happened in the middle of the night wasn’t serious. Perhaps Marshall was needlessly mistrusting people, but he wasn’t going to leave anything to chance when Elsa was involved. Thinking how best to explain his uneasiness, he took a moment before he spoke.

“A doctor came to see Elsa late at night. A nurse I’ve never seen before was accompanying him,” Marshall said, his voice barely over a whisper. “I know it may sound ridiculous, but I haven't seen them in the unit before.”

He expected Nielsen to tell him he was wasting his time or simply being foolish, yet the surprise in the man's eyes was tinted with concern.

“Who?”

“He introduced himself as Landvik. He asked questions about Elsa.” The crease between Nielsen’s eyebrows told Marshal he had done the right thing sharing his concerns. Massaging his neck to relieve some tension, he explained, “He asked about her recovery process and any perceptible changes I’ve seen in the last few days.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him all the necessary information was in the bed chart. The rest was between you and Elsa’s family.”

“Good,” Nielsen murmured. He stayed quiet for a while, his eyes fixed on the floor, thinking deeply. “Make sure that’s all he gets. All the information he needs is either in the chart or in my reports, as you said, clear?”

Marshall nodded, thinking what it all meant. Before he could ask, Nielsen turned around and headed to the room. So he stopped the doctor, once again. “Why would he come see Elsa personally? Why ask me these questions and not the team working in this unit? It makes no sense.”

Nielsen stopped, his hand on the door knob. He pondered for a while before he met Marshall’s eyes and said, “Use your head, kid. From a professional point of view, what’s the first thing that came to your mind when you found out about Elsa?”

“About her powers, you mean?” he asked in a low voice. “It’s impossible for her to do what she does. It makes no sense.” 

“Exactly.”

“So, what?” He was trying to remain calm, but he didn’t like what Nielsen was implying. “You’re telling me he—”

A high-pitched scream coming from inside the room stopped Marshall before he could get any more information. Concern washed over both men and they ran into the room — their conversation forgotten.

“What’s going on?” Nielsen demanded to know.

The young nurse was pressed against the wall, pointing at Elsa’s bed. A shocked, frightened expression on her face. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Gerda repeated over and over as she got closer to the nurse. “Please calm down. This is what we talked about.”

As soon as Gerda saw the girl nod her head, she turned to Elsa and leaned closer, speaking softly.  “Dear? Can you hear me?”

When Nielsen moved closer to Elsa’s bed, Marshall finally got the chance to see what had been causing all the chaos: Snowflake-patterned frost covered a quarter of the bed and it was slowly spreading to one of the legs of the bed.

The young girl seemed disturbed by the display of Elsa’s powers, and Marshall couldn’t really blame her. He had seen Elsa use her powers more than once already and he still had a hard time understanding them. It was a miracle the nurse had calmed down enough not to panic nor scream anymore.

“Step aside, please,” Nielsen told Gerda and reluctantly she obeyed.

“Elsa.” Nielsen called her name once, twice, before he asked, “can you hear me?”

There was no response so he moved closer, to try and check her pupil reflexes. As soon as he touched her face, her eyes opened wide. The icy blue of her eyes drawing everyone's attention.

“Elsa, over here.” Her eyes didn’t track Nielsen’s hand movement.

“Come closer,” he asked Gerda, and as soon as she walked in Elsa’s field of vision, her eyes fell on her.

A smile drew on Gerda’s face as her eyes brimmed with tears. Marshall breathed out in relief and felt positive things would turn out okay when the ice stopped spreading.

“I need you to blink twice if you can hear me clearly,” Nielsen instructed. Once again, however, Elsa didn’t respond, her eyes still fixed on Gerda. “Elsa?”

“Move to the side,” Nielsen requested Gerda. “Slowly. Away from her line of vision.”

“Nielsen, I—”

“Do as I say, please.”

When Elsa could no longer see Gerda, her eyes moved around the room, desperately trying to find her. Her eyes found Marshall’s then and hoping she'd recognise him, he smiled at her. This seemed to help her calm down until Nielsen stepped in between.

“Can you blink for me, Elsa?”

Losing sight of familiar faces seemed to set Elsa off and her breathing pattern increased rapidly. Steadily becoming laboured, above the ventilator’s rate.

“Don't be afraid. I need you to keep your eyes on me. Gerda is right beside you.”

“Doctor Nielsen, the ice.” The nurse pointed to the frost spreading fastly down the leg of the bed and onto the floor. She took a few steps back and Marshall thought it was best to help her before she panicked. Grabbing the nurse by the shoulders, he forced her out of the ice’s way and closer to the door, in case she wanted to leave.

Gerda moved Nielsen out of the way and held Elsa’s good hand, making sure she looked at her. “I'm here, sweetheart. I know it’s scary, but you’re fine. Trust me.”

“The ice keeps spreading,” Marshall said calmly. Stating a fact with no intention of alarming anyone.

“Move.” Forcing Gerda to the side, Nielsen grabbed a syringe from the tray he had brought with him earlier and injected a small dose in Elsa’s IV.

Gerda’s face turned red and she did nothing to hide her disapproval. “Jonnas, what are you doing?”

“I wasn’t expecting her to be this responsive so soon.” He informed her. He seemed unfazed by his choice and Marshall had to count to ten not to snap at the man.

“We’ll run some tests. I’m positive we might be able to extubate her before she becomes fully conscious again.”

“She was responding accordingly, there was no need to—”

“I’m not going to take any risks.”

As soon as the ice began to melt, Nielsen called the nurse’s name and listed the steps he wanted her to follow. He explained the dose given to Elsa was small —just enough to keep her calm for no more than an hour or two— and he needed to make sure everything was in order before she woke up again.

When the nurse was about to leave the room, he called her back. “I’ll need you to restrain her, just to be safe.”

“Jonnas…” Gerda warned, displeased with the idea.

“It’s not up for debate.”

Marshall tightened his fists. But he managed to remain calm. If he were to lose control of his emotions, he’d risk losing his right to see Elsa. But that didn't mean he'd silently agree with Nielsen's idea.

“Stay with her at all times.” With that last order, Nielsen walked out of the room and Marshall followed. Perhaps he could speak with the man, change his last choice without a quarrel taking place

“Nielsen, I—”

“You go home.”

Marshal was about to yell at the man to listen to them, but Gerda placed a hand on his arm stopping him on time. Nielsen continued walking down the hall unaware of Marshall’s rage.

“It's best if you go,” Gerda said in a low voice. “I'll make sure she’s safe.”

Tightening his fists once again, Marshall took a few deep breaths and counted to ten, in English, Norwegian and French. When the lump in his throat disappeared, he looked at the old woman, who was looking back at him with concern. She understood his indignation. He could see it in her eyes. But unlike him, she knew better than to start a fight. Knowing it was best for everyone if he left, he apologised to Gerda and disappeared down the hall, ashamed of his behaviour.

Marshall walked out of the wards at a slow pace, trying hard to focus on anything but Nielsen's choices.

Once in the main reception, he informed Andrea, who had just started her shift, he was leaving. While he waited for her to check something he didn’t care about, he felt a hand tapping his shoulder. He cursed under his breath and turned around, hoping it wasn’t one of his ex-colleagues.

“Marshall,” Kristoff greeted him. “Have you seen my mother? She said she'd come back and— Is everything okay?” He asked as soon as they locked eyes. “Please, tell me she’s okay.”

Taking another deep breath, he nodded. Kristoff had nothing to do with him being annoyed and so he tried to put on a good face. Elsa was okay, after all. He needed to focus on that. And he needed Kristoff to know that was the case. “She's responding,” he said with a small smile.

“Thank goodness,” Kristoff breathed out in relief. “Do you think I could—”

“I doubt Nielsen will let you see her. I was just kicked out of the room.”

“Are you sure everything’s okay?”

It was meant to be a joke, though Marshall should have known Kristoff would get suspicious. Playing dumb, he smiled again and nodded. “Yes. I'm just tired. I guess I don't know what I'm saying. Elsa's fine. Your mother's with her.”

He looked at the receptionist to make sure everything was in order, and once she told him he could leave, he began walking towards the main door.

“See you in a couple of hours,” he said, hoping not to drag the conversation any longer.

“Wait, Marshall,” Kristoff called after him, catching up with him by the door. “I want– Umm… Do you want to have breakfast?”

“What?”

“You’ve been looking after my sister for over four days now and we haven’t really spoken to one another. I haven’t even said thank you.”

“I haven’t got any money on me.”

“It’s on me,” Kristoff said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’ve got an hour to kill before work and I could use the company.”

Marshall wanted to decline. Go home, take a shower and sleep. But deep down he knew it was best to accept the invitation.

--

I’m not even sure if this is what was supposed to happen in this chapter anymore. On Monday morning I sat down to write and edit a few scenes and dialogues I had, and somewhere along the way the characters began to make their own choices and here we are.

I’m glad they did, though. I really like the final result. It was time Anna and Kristoff could enjoy an evening on their own, even if they spent more time worrying than anything else.

Thank you all for your kind reviews. I love you all and I promise I’ll respond to all of them soon.

Take care and don’t forget to leave a little something in the box below. It always makes my day, week and month.

Read you soon!

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[sunlightellies]

"deal."

→ masterlist

→ pairing: Bella ramsey x reader

→ genre: notfamous!bella, hospital!au, angst, melancholic, fluff if you squint, gn!reader

→ tags/warnings: mentions of dying and death, do not read if you get triggered by death. angst!!! slowburn-ish (takes a while until the reader is introduced. sorry peeps.). cursewords. a friend of bella's is not so nice:(

→ word count: 8k+

→ proofread? sorryy no

→ a/n: i saw someone say they wish there were more angst fics with Bella and as an angst lover myself i couldn’t help but to write some. warning this got way out of hand so this is like, SAD, sad. if you like reading heartbreaking things and enjoys to suffer like me tho then this will be perfect for you! also i know this isn’t a very accurate fic,, but i did it for the sake of great fanfiction, so don’t be mad. i hope you all will like it anyway!

(i try to stick with the same pronouns for Bella in fic writing but sometimes i slip up as i use any pronouns for them when casually talking about them; in this fic i’ll mainly use they/them for Bella, but excuse me if i use another pronoun as well lol.)

→ summary: While you sat on the bus on your way home thinking about Bella, Bella was laying in their hospital bed at the same time thinking about you. At this time neither of you knew how inseparable you two were eventually gonna become. Maybe running in the corridor at a hospital is sometimes a good thing?

It was another regular Thursday for Bella. They were on their way home from the television workshop while Phoebe Bridgers was playing in their earbuds. Walking in pace to the music and taking a left turn right at that cozy café they always thinks about visiting, but still never does. They could see the front of his gray apartment building, walking a little faster as they wanted to get home as soon as possible.

Bella yanks up the door as soon as they unlock it. “Jojo, Skipper!” The two pets came running at the sound of Bella. Their friend and roommate Vera owned the two pets together with Bella. Vera asked Bella if they could feed the cats before they left the television workshop since Vera wanted to stay and practice a little longer. “So.. are you hungry?” Dragging out the sentence they look at the two pets with an eyebrow raised. Jojo answers with a loud meow. “Me too Jojo, me too.” Bella chuckles to themselves while putting their bag down and taking off their shoes. They walk into their kitchen and take a painkiller. They’ve had this weird problem with headaches recently, so taking medicine for headaches has become a daily routine for them every night. Bella didn’t think much about it, they were very active, studying and doing theater, which both took a lot of energy so they thought their headaches were due to some kind of stress and that it was somewhat reasonable.

A few weeks later Bella was eating by themselves after practice and they thought about trying to drink more water and start taking some vitamins. The headaches were something they could live with before. But as the weeks had gone by they had gotten worse and on top of that they had gotten unusually tired and were often feeling nauseous. Bella believed that it might have to do with some kind of lack of vitamins.

The semester was slowly coming to an end and Bella had recently found out they got into LAMDA (London Academy of Music and Dramatic arts) to pursue performing arts. It was a huge achievement for them. They had celebrated with their friends the night they found out, and now a few weeks later he was beginning to pack their things for college. Bella sat down on their bed looking at all the boxes, trying to decide where to start. They had written down on all the boxes what should go in them, to keep things organized. Although Bella had trouble reading on the boxes due to their blurry vision. 

“Have you had that eye exam that you were talking about a few days ago?” Isaac took a sip of his coffee as he was looking at Bella while waiting for an answer. Isaac was a close friend of his, they had been doing theater together for years. Isaac was part of a group of people at the television workshop that Bella always practiced with and some of them also go to LAMDA. They all were really close and had been for years. Today Bella was only hanging out with Isaac though. 

“I went there and got my eyes checked but it was really weird. She kept asking me questions. She started with headaches and I get that, it’s somewhat logical she’s asking me about that, it’s normal to get headaches while trying to see, you know?” Isaac nodded. Bella took a deep sigh and continued,

“But then she kept asking if I’ve had problems with nausea or vomiting, feeling confused while doing everyday things and having difficulty with balance.” Bella paused to take a sip of their tea. 

“Did you tell her yes? Because you know I’ve seen you struggling both in school and at practice lately. You’re a really good student Bella, and an amazing actor. I mean you just got into LAMDA dude. If you told her no, I’m gonna be disappointed because obviously something is going on with you, and you need help. We’ve all been telling you to seek help from a doctor but you’re too stubborn.” Isaac was looking at Bella while putting a hand on their shoulder, “Me and the others are really worried about you. I know you haven’t exactly gone into details or talked alot about what’s happening but don’t think that we’re not noticing that you’re in pain and having difficulties.” 

Isaac who was usually a very upbeat guy was for once very serious. Bella felt kinda embarrassed and kept looking down on their cup while stirring it with their spoon. “I told her yes when she asked me about it, and then she didn’t say anything more than that I should book a doctor’s appointment and check it out. So I did.” Bella kept staring at his tea while hearing Isaac ramble on about ‘he’s been telling me to go to the doctor for weeks and how can I even listen to a random woman immediately like that and not my friends’.

Bella was sitting outside the doctor's office with Brianna and Isaac at their side. Bella didn’t like going to the doctor, but they knew they had to. They weren't feeling well and they had started to get worried. He was a little bit nervous, so Brianna and Isaac offered to come with him as support.

“Bella Ramsey?” a woman's voice sounded out. Bella stood up and Brianna gave Bella a reassuring smile before they followed the woman. They went into her office and sat down in one of the chairs. The doctor was looking at some journals in her computer before turning to Bella and smiling. “Hi Bella. We talked on the phone a few days ago. Do you remember?” It felt weird the way she said that, if they could remember it. Of course they could. Not the whole conversation, but parts of it. Bella decided to not put much thought into it and just simply answered, “Yes, I do.” The doctor continued to smile at them and said while nodding, “That’s great. So we both know why you are here?” Bella nodded and then they kept talking about their problems for a while. She was asking questions about how it affected their everyday life, how school was going, what symptoms they were having and the progress of them and if they had gotten any more since he called. 

They talked for a while and she did some tests on them regarding balance, memory, sensory and finally a blood test. “Okay Bella, we are done for today. I’ve scheduled an MRI for you in a few days, please don’t forget. We’ll call you a day before about preparations. Bring a close one if you feel scared or nervous.” Bella nodded and took the paper the doctor handed them and got up from the chair they sat on. Bella shook hands with the doctor before they turned around and walked out the door.

Isaac and Brianna stood up as soon as they came back into the waiting room. “So what did she say?!” Isaac looked nervously at Bella. “Nothing. She asked me some questions and did some tests, and then just said that she scheduled an MRI for me. I don’t know what for.” Their hands were fiddling with the paper they got before they handed it over to Brianna. Brianna read on the appointment paper while Isaac whispered, “damn, this may be worse than we thought.” Brianna hit him in the arm and looked at him. “You dumbass, don’t say that! It’s just an MRI!” Isaac said a quiet ‘sorry’ while rubbing his arm where Brianna hit him.

All three of them were quiet on the way to the television workshop. No one really knew what to say. “Maybe we should google your symptoms?” Isaac finally spoke up. “Stop saying dumb ass things Isaac, or else I’m gonna get that headache soon too.” Brianna paused before talking again, “We all know that googling your symptoms is just gonna scare everyone more. We all know except Isaac.” After that it went quiet again and everyone kept walking slowly to the television workshop to meet up with the rest of the group. Isaac said it may be worse than we thought and Brianna said it’s just an MRI to calm them down, especially Bella, and it’s normal to get an MRI sure, but a doctor would definitely not schedule an MRI if the problem was a loss of vitamins. Bella’s thoughts were racing with different scenarios. They knew it probably wasn’t a big deal, but they were still scared. 

“Hey guys!” Isaac opened the door to the studio while Bella and Brianna came shortly after. A few voices were heard from all across the room that greeted the three people entering. “How did it go at the doctor’s office?” A guy with blonde hair spoke up. That was Asher. He’s a great actor, but an even greater comedian, although Bella always thought Martha was the funniest one in the group. “It was fine, nothing special, she scheduled an MRI for me.” Bella said back to him while going up to hug him, but Asher took a step back. “An MRI? Why?” Asher looked puzzled. “Well I obviously need one. Why else?” The practice started but Bella had to sit on the side most of the time. Today the dizziness and nausea was really bad. They couldn’t even stand up straight and even if they were stubborn enough to keep trying, their friends told them to sit down. They gave Bella a look of pity before going back to practicing.

That night when Bella came home they went right to bed. They were so exhausted. Their mind was blank. Not a single thought. They sat down on their bed and took a deep breath and then began to change their clothes and then just threw them on the floor before sliding under the covers. After a few minutes of trying to sleep, the thoughts came running back like a herd of horses. They started thinking about what will happen, what has happened to them. They knew it was more than just an MRI, more than what Brianna had said to calm their nerves. Bella wasn’t stupid after all, they didn’t need google to know what their symptoms could be.

A few weeks have gone by, and Bella’s parents are in town to help them and be there as support when they’re going to the doctor to find out the results of his MRI scan. They have been worried sick over the last few months, trying to talk to Bella about it but only hearing from their friends about how’s it going for Bella. Bella hates feeling weak, especially in front of their parents. It cuts Bella’s heart into pieces about how they’ve tried to make their parents proud their entire life and now all their work is at risk of being all ruined. His parents have of course always been proud of them, whatever Bella’s done. They were happy for Bella when he got into LAMDA but they wouldn’t be less proud if Bella got into another school, and as for now, they won’t be disappointed that Bella may have to give up their spot in the school. All their parents could think about this day was how whatever ends up happening, they are gonna be there for them and they’re all gonna get through it. 

Bella texted with their friends in their group chat on the way to Dr. Watson’s office. They were obviously nervous, and their friends were too. The chat got sentimental quick and they all swore to Bella that they are gonna be there for them no matter what. Bella felt good expecting the worst, that way they wouldn’t feel as shocked if it’s worse or just as expected, they would also be relieved if it wasn’t as bad as they thought. 

The ride to Dr. Watson’s office was just as quiet as it was in the waiting room. Neither Bella nor his parents knew what to say. They were all just hoping for the best. As Dr. Watson came and called out Bella’s name, they rose up from their seat in a swift move and went after her, their parents following. Bella had told Dr. Watson earlier that their parents would be coming with them so she had already prepared seats for them all. When they all sat down Bella’s parents sat on each side of Bella, and both their mom and dad grabbed a hand each from Bella. Dr. Watson welcomed them briefly before cutting right to the chase while she brought up a file and took out the MRI scans of Bella’s brain. “I’m sorry but I’m not bringing good news to you today, Bella.” she started off and looked right at Bella, “You have Glioblastoma.” 

Bella knew what that was. They knew it was a severe dangerous tumor in the back of their head. Dr. Watson kept explaining what it meant, using a pen to point the mass of cells in the pictures while going on about how it mostly occurs in older patients but can happen with younger people too, how it’s not genetic and how you treat it and other stuff that Bella couldn’t catch up on. They weren't really listening and were just tuning out all sounds, stuck with their thoughts. They could feel his parents holding his hands tight and saw their dad wipe his tears in the corner of their eye. Bella thought expecting the worst would help them cope with bad news, but it didn’t. They were in shock and didn’t know how to react. Their mind refused to believe the things they had just heard. 

“So Bella. We’re going to put you in chemo first. We’re going to schedule a surgery as soon as possible but because the surgery is severely dangerous, complex and risky, it’s unfortunately going to be hard to find a neurosurgeon for this so you might have to wait a few months.”

The meeting finally came to an end after what felt like hours to Bella. Their mind still couldn’t really register what just had happened, but they were happy their parents were at their side and how they comforted them through the entire appointment. Bella’s parents still held their hands but let go to shake hands with Dr. Watson. On the way out their dad was walking at Bella’s side and held his arm around them tight. Their parents continued to smother Bella with love and support the rest of the day. 

Bella was laying in their bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, and thinking through all the events for the day. Their phone was blowing up with notifications and calls, but they couldn't bear to answer. Their friends were calling and texting, so worried and of course wanting to know what the doctor had said earlier that day. Bella just looked over their shoulder at their phone, picked it up, turned it off completely and then going back to not give a single fuck about answering them. Bella needed time. They barely knew what had happened and needed to regain their thoughts and energy before talking to other people. They didn’t want to hear people's pity for them and they most definitely didn’t wanna answer all their questions. They could wait.

Four days had gone by and Bella was on their way to the television workshop to talk to their friends. They haven’t talked to them at all in the last few days and they finally gave up looking for answers from Bella and eventually talked to their parents. Bella knew that everyone that knew them, now also knew about their diagnosis. The word spread fast, and as soon as Bella started their phone again after a few days with it turned off, it overflowed over with notifications, texts, voicemails, and calls, 

“I’m so sorry Bella. Sending our blessings.” 

“Hope you get better soon, we’re here for you.” 

“Sending all our love and support to you.”

The texts just kept coming in and Bella had a hard time holding their tears back for the first time since they got the news. They haven't been able to cry in the last few days, not a single tear. It was frustrating for them, they wanted to cry. They wanted to lose their mind and just let it all up. But they couldn't. 

Bella finally arrived at the television workshop after a long and slow walk. They stopped right outside the black door and took a deep breath, slowly reaching for the door, finally opening it and walking straight to the room where their friends practiced. Opening the door and seeing all their friends sitting on the floor, doing nothing. Martha was fiddling with her shirt and Asher was just staring down into the floor, the others also fiddling or just staring into the brown wooden floor. It was unbearably quiet, still no one heard Bella come in. 

“Hey guys.” Heads snapped at the direction of Bella’s voice and shocked faces were immediately seen before they all rushed up to Bella’s side. Hugs were shared and tears were shed. “We have been so fucking worried dude. I swear. We haven’t been able to practice without you and definitely not without knowing if you are fine.” Martha spoke up first after the silence, hugging Bella tight. Bella chuckled, “I wouldn’t really say that I’m fine, but I feel better now that I’m here with you guys.” 

Bella talked to their friends about what the doctor had told them, what their illness is and how the treatment works. They answered all the group’s questions and it felt good getting it out. Bella was afraid they would treat them differently, treat them with pity and caution, but they were the same. Teasing and joking about the situation. It felt good to laugh about it. They eventually started changing the subject and Bella felt happy. Bella felt hope and luck, thinking that with these guys by their side, they were gonna get through it. 

The days went by and Bella was now on their way to the part in the hospital where they would get their first chemotherapy. Martha and Brianna were supposed to go with them for support but ended up being stopped by the guards in the reception. They weren’t allowed to go with them. Only family was allowed. Unfortunately Bella’s family couldn’t come to visit them this time around. Bella took a long time to walk up the stairs. Counting the steps as they set one foot above the other. They could’ve taken the elevator, but they didn’t want to. They wanted to drag out the time as much as possible, and they weren’t in a hurry anyways. 

“305.. 306..” he paused at the last step and looked up, “.. and 307.” They went up the last step and began walking towards the map just a few meters in front of them, because they weren't really sure where to go. The map said they should go to the right and as they turned, he saw the sign for the ‘chemotherapy’ immediately. With even heavier steps than before, they continued their stroll towards their first chemo.

a few months later…

Bella was currently living at the hospital. They had gotten worse and the chemo wasn’t working. They were now in chemotherapy and radiation therapy because the doctor wanted to try them as a combination. However, Bella was still waiting for the hospital to find a neurosurgeon to remove their tumor and it didn’t seem that they were in luck of finding anyone soon. 

Bella’s friends came and visited them almost everyday. They were really grateful to have them on their side. They often showed Bella their new plays, they played games together, watched movies or just slept when Bella wasn’t in the mood to hang out. In the middle of their thoughts a sudden raise in volume rang through the room. “You cheated!” Bella looked up from their cards. “I did not!” someone screamed back. It was Wilmer and Isaac that were fighting. Bella wasn’t really paying attention at first due to their head being full of thoughts, but after a few seconds they came back to their mind. “Hey, hey, calm down and stop screaming. Let it go. Think about Bella, don’t stress them up for nothing.” Martha told them and Isaac, who was accused of cheating, who had also risen from his seat, sat back down. Both Wilmer and Isaac looked ashamed for a second but it all went away quickly as they kept playing. 

After a few hours they all had to leave for practice. Bella was all worn out, they always were after hanging out with them. They didn’t have much energy these days due to all of their medication and treatments. But they were getting hungry and it wasn’t dinner yet, so they went to talk to the nurses if they could have his dinner early. As Bella opened the door from their room they only took a few steps in the corridor before someone ran into them. 

“Oh my god, I am so, so sorry! How are you feeling? Are you hurt?” The sweet but panicked voice ran through their head as they looked at your hand that you were holding out for them to reach so you could help them up. They grabbed your hand and you helped them up from the floor. “I’m fine, and it’s not all your fault, I should’ve checked the hall before walking out.” Bella chuckled as they looked up at your face, studying your features. You were really beautiful, but they didn’t recognize you. “Have I seen you here before?” Bella asked you as they turned around to close the door to their room. 

“For starters, no, it was all my fault, I shouldn’t even be running here anyways. For the second question, probably not, I really don’t spend a lot of time here. I was just dropping something off for my mom. She’s a nurse.” You broke into a smile after you finished your sentence and it was the prettiest smile Bella had ever seen. “Oh okay, makes sense. Nice to meet you though, even if we kinda had a rough start.” You both let out a laugh. 

It went silent and Bella looked down to the floor and saw the bag that you were holding. “Wait, is that carbonara!?” He looked at your face with a shocked expression. “Yes, it’s for my mom. She forgot her dinner so I brought her some.” Bella's mouth went into an ‘O’ shape before they spoke again. “Wow. I’m so jealous. I haven’t had that shit in forever, and I sure do miss it.” they chuckled a stiff laugh. “You want some? My mom needs this for her dinner but I can go back to the restaurant and get some for you, my treat.” You gave them a smile as Bella visibly got excited and showed it through physical movements, not for long though. “Oof, I really shouldn’t be doing that” They said as they bent over and took some deep breaths. “But wow, you would really do that for me? That would be amazing.”

An hour later you came back to the hospital with a bag of more carbonara in your hand. You couldn’t remember which room was Bella so you asked your mom, and then went to their room. You were outside their door and knocked, and you barely finished knocking before it opened. With your hand in the air, you brought it down and instead brought up your other hand with the bag. “Ready to eat some carbonara?” You giggled and Bella blushed. “Only if you eat it with me.” You nodded. “Deal.” Bella smiled as you walked inside their room, sat down the bag, brought up the food and started eating. 

After a while of eating in silence Bella was getting curious and wanted to get to know you better. “Sooo.. do you work or are you still in school?” They glanced at you before shoving food into their mouth. “I work in a coffee shop called ‘A whole latte love’ actually.” Bella stopped chewing and abruptly looked at you. “The coffee shop at the corner of Southbridge street?” You nodded simply at their question. “I live in the apartment building next to it! I always walk past that place on my way home, and every time I see it I think about how much I want to check it out!” they squealed, getting excited. “Woahh.. what if we would’ve met there?” Bella stared at you with a stunned expression on their face. You just shrugged and answered, “Fate works in weird ways, man.” and then kept eating. 

You ended up staying much longer than you thought. You had a great time with Bella and they were really sweet. You two got along well, and you thought about visiting them soon again. While you sat on the bus on your way home thinking about them, Bella was laying in their hospital bed at the same time thinking about you. 

You two started to hang out a lot. Mostly at the hospital, since Bella wasn’t really allowed to leave at any time. But you still had fun. Bella loved hanging out with their friends, but it was nice to actually spend some time with someone other than a nurse or their friends. They snapped out of their thoughts when they heard the door open. Looking at the door they were hoping it was you that were coming but it was Martha and Vera. 

“Hey love. How are you doing? Sorry we haven’t visited as often as we used to.” Martha spoke up as he grabbed a chair from the corner of the room. “It’s alright..” Bella hesitated to tell them about you for a few seconds, but decided to tell them anyway. “I’ve actually met someone.” Both Martha and Vera got an astonished look on their faces. “Who? When? What?” Vera spoke up. “They literally ran into me in the hall.” Bella said while emphasizing ‘literally’. “They ran into you.. and you became friends?” Martha continued to ask. “Yes, and then they bought me carbonara.” Both of the girls next to Bella went ‘aaaah’ with a nod at the same time. 

“Okay, then I get it. Makes sense. But is there something going on between you two, what’s their name? Who is it? Spill it.” Vera wiggled her eyebrows at Bella. “Their name is Y/N. And you know that coffee shop at the corner next to our building? They work there.” Bella sighed. “I don’t know if there’s something going on yet, honestly, I really like them, but we barely know each other and I don’t know if they like me. I mean, who would even like me? I’ll probably die before I even get a chance of getting married anyways.” Suddenly the door opened in a rapid move. 

“Now why the fuck would you even say something like that you fucking fool!” Every head was turned to the door and there was Isaac. After him came Elsa and Asher. Everyone was silent waiting for an explanation from Isaac. “Sorry, we were eavesdropping.” Asher finally said. “Yeah, I think we understood that part.” Vera expressed with an annoyed tone in her voice. “Okay sorry I could’ve maybeee.. been a little harsh.” Isaac dragged out the maybe as if he was waiting for someone to disagree with him. No one said anything, they all just stared at him with an annoyed face.

“Well anyway. I disagree with what you said. Because you’re not gonna die. And also IF you were dying, you still deserve love, stupid.” Emphasizing the ‘if’ Isaac finally explained what he meant when he barged in. “Why do you always use a degrading word when you’re talking to us? Can’t you ever use a loving word?” Martha waved her hands around in some kind of frustration. “Of course I can, but I don’t want to. I can still be sweet though.” Isaac paused, “I love you all, you morons.” Martha just sighed and put her head in her hands at Isaac’s words while Isaac himself was cracking up by his own words and the annoyance of Martha. “I mean, points for trying.” Asher said and let out a chuckle while shrugging from behind Elsa, who both were still standing by the door.

A few days went by and you were at work. You’ve had to pick up a few extra shifts lately. Texting Bella that you were sorry for the lack of communication but you may be able to come by tomorrow, and ending the text with a cute ‘i miss you’. Bella had been missing you too, maybe too much. Seeing that the text they received was from you, they quickly opened his phone to answer. “It’s okay, but I need carbonara to be able to forgive you.” They sent the text and quickly added, “I miss you more.” you snickered at his response and texted him a quick ‘deal.’

Bella was alone in their room, listening to some music and just laying in bed, thinking. Turning to their side and looking out the window they pleasantly watched the rain fall down outside and hearing the rain hitting the window. Autumn was beginning to set and that made Bella happy, they liked autumn. For Bella it meant a fresh start. It was always a new school year, new classes, hopefully some new friends. But this time there was no school. They should’ve even gone off to college by now, but couldn’t due to their.. situation.

A knock on Bella’s door woke them up from their slumber. They weren't feeling good at all today, and just wanted to sleep the whole day away. You opened the door slowly and peeked inside. “Hi there lovebug. Heard you’re having a rough day. I bought carbonara, should I just put them down and leave?” you took a few steps inside to put down the bag. “No, please stay.” Bella’s hoarse voice spoke out. “Okay, as you wish.” you started to bring out one of the chairs as Bella spoke again. “No, lay down with me, please.” Their voice were barely audible but you could hear it clear as day. “Are you sure?” You hesitated but started to go to them as Bella made space in their bed and reached out their hand. “Please.” they whispered with tears threatening to spill in their eyes. 

You laid down beside them and they held you as close as they could. You were laying with your head on their chest and began drawing circles on their arm in a soothing manner. “Please, make the pain go away.” Bella choked out, voice still hoarse and tears slowly going down their cheeks. You sat up on your elbow and looked into his eyes. Bella followed you with their eyes and you were now staring at each other. Bella’s sweet, adorable eyes, the eyes that were filled with love and happiness, were now full with pain and misery. “Oh my sweet, sweet lovebug..” You brought your hand up to caress their cheeks. “I wish I could. I would’ve done anything to make your pain go away.” You were about to shed some tears too but you held back as much as you could. You laid back down and began drawing circles on his skin again as you calmly started to sing quietly to “Lullaby” by Sleeping At Last.

♪

“Goodnight, goodnight, it’s time now to sleep,

The moon’s watchin’ over you and your dreams,

Goodnight, goodnight, my sweet little one,

Tomorrow, your eyes, they will light up the sun.

But goodnight, goodnight, sweet dreams for now,

Drift off to sleep on your pillow of clouds,

Goodnight, goodnight, my sweet little friend,

Tomorrow’s adventures, they will soon begin

Tomorrow’s adventures will soon begin.”

♪

And after a while, you both fell asleep in the arms of each other.

Lucky for you, it was Saturday and you were free. You woke up before Bella, but it was kinda late. Almost 5pm. You were debating if you should wake Bella up or let them sleep, and went for the latter. But you really had to pee though, so you tried to get out of their tight grip on you as smoothly as possible. Your mission was accomplished when you got out of the bed without waking Bella. You went to the bathroom and when you were done you decided to go to the cafeteria to get some dinner. You wrote a quick note for Bella, and left.

When you came back Bella was awake and scrolling on their phone. “Good evening love bug, how are you feeling? I brought dinner.” You set down the food and looked at Bella and gave them a smile. “Better, but I’m feeling a little worn out. But why did you buy dinner? Couldn’t we just eat the carbonara you brought earlier?” Bella sat up with their legs crossed. ‘Oh shit. The carbonara.’ you thought to yourself. “I mean, we could, but I totally forgot about that if I’m gonna be honest. Let’s just eat both options while we play some video games, yeah?” You walked up to Bella and gave them a sandwich and a coffee. “I know that I’m dying, but you don’t have to baby me you know.” Bella said while they stuffed the sandwich into their mouth. “When you stop saying that you’re dying, because you’re not, then I’ll stop babying you.” You sat down in front of Bella and put your feet up on their bed. Bella looked at you with love in their eyes and said, “deal”.

Bella was casually sitting in the lobby for their division of the hospital where they were, well, living. Scrolling on his phone, they suddenly got a call from Martha. “Hey love, what’s up? Can I come by?” Martha's voice rang through his ears as she spoke a tiny bit too loudly for Bella. “Yeah sure. See you soon.” The call was quick, but Bella was happy she was coming to visit. Their friends unfortunately didn’t visit as much these days due to school and work. Bella understood that they were busy but they still wished they could see them as often as they used to before. 

Bella and Martha played video games in Bella’s room for a few hours. At some point they had to stop because Bella was getting dizzy. “So.. how’s it going with Y/N?” Martha asked Bella. “It’s going really well, I genuinely think that they actually like me, and I like them. Like a lot. “ Bella started to blush at the thought of you and started fiddling with their fingers. “Okay, that’s really great.” Martha said coldly, having a stiff smile on her face. “What’s up with the face? What are you thinking? Tell me.” Martha sat up straight at Bella’s words. “You know, I just think, maybe don’t go too far with them you know? You know I love you and want nothing but happiness for you, but think about Y/N. You might not actually make it Bella. We all hope you do, but both you and I know there’s a chance and it’s bigger than everyone wants to believe.” Bella’s face filled up with sadness at Martha’s words. “I know I’m being harsh, but all I’m saying is, don’t be selfish. If, only if, you wouldn’t make it through this, you’re gonna break Y/N’s whole heart Bella.”

Bella was still fiddling with their fingers. The tears ran down their cheeks. “I know.” They whispered. Bella knew Martha was right. They had thought the exact same thing before. Even if they often made jokes about dying, they really didn’t wanna fully realize that they actually were dying. “I’ve been holding back because of that. I really don’t want to hurt Y/N, but at the same time they actually give me hope, and I for once feel like it’s worth fighting this, for them.”

You and Bella hadn’t seen each other in about two weeks. You texted them everyday asking if you could come over, but they always declined saying that they weren't feeling great. You knew that they were lying, because you could see on their Instagram that they’ve been hanging out with their friends. Getting tired of being pushed away, you wrote a quick “we need to talk, i’ll be there soon” before sending it to Bella. Bella saw the text immediately and started getting anxious. It seemed to be urgent, so what did you want to talk about?

Arriving at Bella’s floor you went to their room with rapid steps. As soon as you got there you burst the door open and saw Bella getting scared and almost throwing their phone away. They quickly sat up straight and looked at you with a confused face. “We need to talk.” was the first thing you said when you came in the door. “I know, you texted me saying the same thing. Oh and you know, people often knock before they walk into someone's room.” Bella pointed at the door which you didn’t knock on. You shook your head, “Why are you avoiding me?” taking a few steps forward as you were taking off your coat and then hung it over a chair waiting for Bella’s response. “I haven’t. What are you talking about?” Bella has unfortunately  never been a good liar, so you could see right through them, also, you had proof because of their Instagram posts. “I saw your Instagram. You told me you didn’t wanna see anyone because you weren’t feeling well. Why didn’t you wanna see me? Did I do anything wrong?” Your voice started to become a little unstable and tears started to well up in your eyes but you tried to hold them back as much as possible. 

Bella went quiet and you were just staring at them, waiting for an answer. “Sorry.” Was the only thing they could let out. “Sorry for what? I want an explanation Bella.” You raised your voice and caught Bella a bit off guard. You’ve never raised your voice at them before. “I’m sorry I avoided you. I was scared that we were getting too close, that we were..” pausing and taking a deep breath they continued, “falling in love or something.” Bella spoke in a whisper on their last sentence. You could barely hear what they said. “Why would that be a bad thing?” You were clearly getting annoyed, and Bella could easily tell. They opened their mouth to say something before they closed it again. They didn’t really know what to say. “Because I’m dying Y/N. I didn’t want to be selfish and only think of my own happiness. Because I think you too know there’s a chance I’m not going to make it.” At this point both you and Bella were crying, you had so much to say to them but you didn’t know how to express it. “But you never thought of talking to me about this? How I felt, what I want? Bella, I’m a fully grown person. I knew what I was getting into when I first got to know you and honestly, my heart broke just thinking about you avoiding me and not wanting anything to do with me anymore.” You felt kinda bad for Bella who was practically sobbing by now. It obviously was a hard topic for them to talk about. But you were still kinda annoyed. 

“I’m really sorry Y/N.” Before they finished their sentence you started talking again. “And for goodness’ sake stop saying that you’re gonna die! We don’t know that! Even if you are, if you set your mind on it too much, and keep saying that you’re gonna die you’re just gonna make everyone around you miserable. That, if anything, is selfish. You gotta try making the best of the situation.” Bella looked up at you for the first time since you two started talking. “You make my situation better.” Their voice was barely above a whisper, but you heard it. “Don’t you sweet talk me now! I’m still pissed at you! Even if you’re so freaking flirty!” You liked their response and tried to hide it since you were most definitely still mad at them.. definitely still mad. At least you wanted them to think so. “Bella, I understand that it’s hard for you. Shit, you have cancer, it fucking sucks honestly. The only thing I’ve been doing is supporting you and trying to cheer you up. It’s sweet that you feel that I make your days better but I have feelings too. I really like spending time with you but you gotta make some effort for me too.” Bella nodded to your words. “I understand. But we gotta make a deal. I’ll promise to do better if you give me a kiss.” You tried so hard not to break a smile, but you still did. Sighing you started to think it over. “Ah.. Haven’t I done enough for you yet?” you let out a small laugh. “But okay, deal.” You sat down beside Bella and took their hands in yours. You two sat in silence staring at each other for a few seconds, “So are you gonna make the first move or do I have to?” Bella chuckled at your remark and started to lean in. You got tired of how slowly they were leaning in and you brought your hands up to their face to grab it and smash your lips together. You didn’t really make out, but you kissed them for a good minute. “I think this deal is our best one yet.” They said while stroking your cheek and you just laughed at their words. You both laid down to cuddle and after a while fell asleep.

A few months went by and you had spent time with Bella basically every day. You walked down the hall to their room as you did everyday. Opening the door to their room, Bella wasn’t there. You looked around but couldn’t find them. You had brought food, so you put it down to go look for them. Carefully closing the door, you went to the nurse station to ask if they’ve seen them. They didn’t know where Bella was. You started to walk to the activity room where they sometimes would hang out with other patients. As soon as you turned at the corner someone grabbed your face and kissed you out of nowhere. At first you were surprised and annoyed, but as your eyes sprung open in shock you saw that it was Bella and you started to kiss them back. “Surprise, babe.” They mumbles against your lips. You giggled at their antics and you ended up making out. Another patient happened to enter but you both made him promise not to tell the nurses. 

Bella had been trying a new treatment recently, and they were actually starting to get better, although they were still waiting for the hospital to find a surgeon. Since Bella was getting better, you had started to spend a lot more time together outside of the hospital. Going to the movies, eating in restaurants, shopping, going on walks and having picnics, meeting Bella’s friends and going to the television workshop. You two actually made a visit to your job too, since you remembered Bella really wanted to go there. But the happiest moments were when you two spent time at the television workshop with their friends. They all loved you so much and even if Bella barely could practice himself, you still made an effort to show support for their biggest passion. 

You and Bella were alone in the practice room and were joking around as “Can’t help falling in love with you” by Haley Reinhart came on. Bella instantly stopped what they were doing. “Care for a dance, my love?” They held out their hand to you and you accepted it with a giggle. You two started to slow dance to the song, doing some twirls here and there, but mainly just dancing as close to each other as possible and having eye contact. It was such a romantic and lovely moment until the door spurt open and your heads turned to the door. Standing in the door frame was Amanda who looked utterly disgusted. “I forgot my earphones.” She quickly went to get them and turned around in the door before she went out and closed it, “Please don’t end up having sex in the practice room and I think I speak for everyone when I say that.” With one last weary look, Amanda closed the door. You and Bella just exchanged looks and ended up bursting into laughter after the encounter with Amanda. 

You were playing video games with Bella and Wilmer in Bella’s room when it knocked on the door. Elsa who sat behind you went up to open the door. She opened and there stood two nurses, with weird looking smiles on their faces. “Bella!” one of them shouted, Bella’s reflexes worked quickly as they turned their head to where the voice was coming from. You paused the game and you and Wilmer put down the controllers to hear what’s going on. “Hey, what’s up?” Bella said with a confused tone in their voice. “We found a surgeon for you.” Everything went quiet after the nurse spoke. “What? If that’s a joke then I’m moving to another hospital Anna, I swear to god.” With a raised eyebrow Bella pointed at the nurse who apparently was called Anna, who also gave them the news. “I’m not kidding. She’s from Switzerland and we’ve scheduled a surgery as soon as next week on friday.” Everyone was speechless. Isaac was the first one to react. He went up to Bella and gave them a hug while starting to cry. “Did anyone else think that he was gonna do something inappropriate at first or was I the only one?” Wilmer spoke up and everyone agreed before he got a slap on his arm from Martha beside him. “Of course we did but we’re not always supposed to say everything we think!” she whispered to Wilmer .

The days were getting closer to the surgery and Bella was visibly getting more nervous as the days went by. Their parents are now here too for support as they haven’t been able to visit as much as they would’ve liked to. “How are you doing?” You asked Bella as you two were walking in the park. “Are you nervous?” They squeezed your hand before he started talking. “Yes, very much so, there’s literally so many risks with this surgery you know? But, I’m also so thankful for this opportunity, and I have all these amazing people by my side at all times.” They were looking down at the ground as they kept speaking, “So even if I’ve never been this scared in my life, I've also never been this thankful in my life.” You smiled at their words and gave them a quick kiss before you started walking back to the hospital.

The day had arrived. Everyone was really emotional. Bella was pacing around their room waiting for the nurses to go get them. They had earlier met with the surgeon, Livia, and they went through the whole procedure together with Bella’s parents. Everyone was watching Bella pace, their friends, their parents, and you. “Are you sure you shouldn’t sit down and calm down a little Bella?” your voice was hoarse from crying and lack of sleep. They just shook their head and kept on pacing. It knocked on the door and every head in the room turned to the door. No one went to open it. “Someone go open it, I can’t do it!” Bella shouted while waving their hands crazily above their head. Their mom got up to open the door. “Are you ready Bella? We’ll come and get you in 15.” was all the nurse said before she left again. Bella's mom got them to finally lay down after a minute of Bella freaking out. Everyone was hysterically crying and telling Bella how everything is gonna be fine and wishing them luck. You had been waiting for your turn to speak to them and finally you got it. You took both of their hands in yours. “I love you, so so much.” The tears were streaming down your face and Bella brought your hands up to their lips to kiss them. “But I don’t want you to worry, everything is gonna be fine.” Your voice cracked at the last word and Bella giggled. “I know, my love. In the end, everything will turn out alright.” They sat up a little bit to kiss you. “Also, can you bring me carbonara when I come back? I haven’t had it for so long, I would absolutely love to celebrate a successful surgery with some carbonara.” You laughed at them before you answered, “Deal.”

A few minutes later Bella had left and the only thing you could hear was people crying and wiping their noses. After a few hours you and Bella’s parents were the only ones left in the room. Bella’s parents had basically forced the others to go home and sleep since everyone had stayed up all night the day before the surgery. You had to grab some air so you went to buy some carbonara for later. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath when you stepped outside. It was in the middle of summer and the sun was shining. You walked slowly to the restaurant so you could enjoy the weather and think about something else so you wouldn’t spiral. You came back after an hour and set down the carbonara on the table beside you. The only thing left now was to only wait.

At the end of the day, the carbonara never moved. It stood there on the table so peacefully in the background while you were on your knees sobbing as a nurse held you, after receiving the news that the love of your life, had taken their last breath.

♪

“The evil it spread like a fever ahead,

It was night when you died, my firefly

What could I have said to raise you from the dead?

Oh could I be the sky on the Fourth of July?

.. The hospital asked, “should the body be cast?”

Before I say goodbye, my star in the sky

Such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth

Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?”

♪

[artificialcharisma]

The Linked Universe Fandom and Trauma

It's a pretty common theme among fanfiction to explore topics of trauma. Who doesn't like to see the aftermath of dramatic events and life-threatening danger, which are so commonly shown in fiction?

On top of that, fandoms are very neurodiverse spaces, filled with many who have experienced trauma themselves. Using fiction to explore your own experiences is usually more healthy than other methods, but I've noticed that throughout those fandoms, and especially a small one like the LU fandom, the approaches to exploring PTSD range from nuanced and insightful to horrendously tone-deaf and inappropriate.

What's going on here?

(This essay is written by six people. We’ll mention events and feelings from our pasts, say we have a certain disorder/condition, and use I and we interchangeably—this warning is in case you began reading this and thought it was written by one person who was collecting mental and physical illnesses like infinity stones. Also, if you’d like to avoid the child abuse tag, we’ve put markers where the child abuse section begins and ends in bold.

Writers:

@artificialcharisma

@deuynndoodles

@wakingwinds

and three people who wished to remain anonymous.)

Part A. The Legend of Zelda: Abuse of the Child

(child abuse section begins)

What IS it with people and making the 7 year old a soldier?

Seriously. If you've read fics around this fandom, you know the amount of fics with Wild as a child soldier is mad high. 

The story of BOTW is vague, which leaves a lot of room for speculation on backstory. A popular headcanon is that Link pulled the Master Sword at a young age and was raised as a knight since then.

You see a lot of child abuse in these fics. From his father, from Rhoam, from Zelda, name any character and they’ve probably yelled at him for not being good enough.

Someone portraying their child abuse is perfectly fine. Fanfiction, and by extension, writing in general, is a healthy space to explore your trauma. 

These topics aren’t always done by people who are venting, though. These fics, usually written by someone who is only writing child abuse for the sake of angst, read like a morbid fascination with the concept of suffering—which is especially strange when applied to children.

Another thing to note is the way that many authors tend to reduce character's ages in a way to make their trauma seem "more credible", when in fact, any trauma is credible.

Let's take a look at the Hero of Time, the epitome of a child soldier. 

It doesn't come off the same way authors depict Wild, and a key reason is this: It's fundamental to the story. If removed, you lose the lessons Ocarina of Time teaches you. In Wild's case, the only reason for the child soldier plotline is to gain sympathy points.

In Ocarina of Time, Link is a kid just coming into his childhood, and is immediately given full responsibility for something he didn't deserve to take responsibility for. He plays as an adult, and after the Master Sword, becomes an adult in other peoples' eyes. We, as the player, know this isn't the truth.

Link is given an adult role and by the end of the story, he is by most definitions, an adult, and becomes a child in body yet again and the cycle continues.

This is what's so interesting about Ocarina of Time—It’s what makes its story compelling.

Link being young is important to the themes of the story, and the trauma isn't the key focus. If it was removed, OOT wouldn't make sense.

Does Wild being 15 instead of 17 affect the story in any way? The objective answer is no. No, it doesn't.

(child abuse section ends)

Let's return to Wild and how his trauma affects the way fans view him.

Let me frame out a part of a fic for you: after an unexpected event, by accident or on purpose, Wild reveals his devastating backstory. The responses range from appalled to protective to altogether aghast at how someone so young could have undergone such a thing. Cue the comfort. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

It's a fine sequence, but the tone and sometimes even the direct phrasing with which it's written often frames Wild as an incredibly admirable and strong individual who is /perfect as he is./

Let me frame out another fic concept: panic attacks, a popular topic in the hurt/comfort tag. Wild panics, someone comforts him, he reveals his tragic past, and—he gets up and is perfectly fine afterwards. 

Besides having the occasional panic attack, flashback, and nightmare, Wild is sociable, kind, friendly. Ultimately, he's just the kind of person you would want to be. 

However, when characters have an incredibly tragic backstory, experience only the most loud and attention-attracting symptoms of mental illness, and act completely unaffected and normal afterwards, is it really a portrayal of trauma, or is it just an excuse for angst?

Not only does this lead to the character being seen as unlikeable to those who do have personal experience with trauma, but it also gives those fics less of an emotional impact.

Part B. The Legend of Trauma: Asshole Pass

How much trauma gives you the green light to be rude and take it out on others?

Trick question. The answer is none. Trauma is a justification that can influence whether you will be forgiven, but in no way is a free pass that makes your actions right.

Legend has been through 6 adventures, so if there’s anyone who wins the completely arbitrary trophy of Most Numerous Trauma, it’s him. 

One of the most common LU characterizations is that Legend Is An Asshole, which is kind of strange, because he absolutely is not in canon. He’s protective over his items and makes fun of people, but he is not a jerk. (This seems to be a running remark, the way that authors will demean one of the Links to one personality trait and one personality trait only.)

There’s no shorter way to say it than that. Writing Legend as a jerk who doesn’t need to apologize sends a similar message to the readers—that if they have a good enough “excuse,” they can get off scot-free, too.

In fics that center around him, his actions can come off as tone-deaf at best and downright cruel at worst, but it’s justified because he’s traumatized. Furthermore, it comes off like it’s more justified because he’s more traumatized. That’s not how it works.

Fanfiction is a place where people can write whatever they want. But what these authors tend to disregard is that other people can also read what you write. A lot of these readers are young and don’t have other mental health resources that talk about what they may be going through. 

From when I was 13 to 17, I was an avid reader of fanfiction and also had issues in my family life. Because no other source discussed what people do in these situations, I thought the authors on Ao3 knew it better.

Fanfiction is obviously not a good source of information on mental illness, and we recommend that absolutely nobody use it as their resource on what is or isn’t acceptable, but we ask you to remember who your audience is. 

When you subject young readers to these incorrect portrayals of mental illness, you might end up dictating how they view neurodivergence—-and when someone who’s reading has what you are portraying, they might see themselves in a negative light.

Fics that end in tragedy due to a character having a condition, leaving no hope for the character to recover or achieve their goals leave the reader in the same state too. 

I’ll reiterate: Projection is fine, it’s just that when authors who don’t have the illness they’re portraying join in on the party, it starts to seem less like a creator expressing their feelings and more like a person using other people’s suffering as a form of angst.

Veering a little to the side to get to Wild, for a second—-in one of the most recent updates (depending on when you’re reading this) he made… a mistake! How terrible. Parts of the fandom decided that he was either A. Possessed by Dark Link, because Wild could never make a mistake, and it’s just not in his nature to, or B. He was terrible, annoying, and should get beat up by Four.

(I will admit, the Four jokes were pretty funny.)

With both these interpretations claiming that Wild lashing out was evil, the problem we’re discussing here is shown in full.

Wasn’t Wild lashing out due to his trauma? 

This is what the fandom supposedly wanted: a correct portrayal of PTSD. The fandom’s idea of PTSD is less than correct, though, and an unromanticizable symptom isn’t forgivable. 

Fanfiction is, by nature, self-indulgent, and rarely do people want to indulge in the ugly.

Part C. The Legend of The Other Ones I Guess

The Hero of the Skies. Everybody’s beloved soft and lazy boi.

And that's pretty much all he is, it seems.

Ignoring the flat characterization Sky goes through, there's still issues. Namely, chronic illness, and the way it is portrayed through him.

When you depict the only "lazy" character as someone with chronic illness, it reiterates the stereotype that neurodivergent and chronically ill people are lazy.

As an example, when I was on crutches, experiencing chronic fatigue, and asked for a quick favor, I was told to do it myself, even though they would have a much easier time doing it—like I was capable of completing the task, but I just didn’t want to do it.

It gets tiring after a certain point, and to see a fictional character that is called lazy by other people be tagged the chronically ill trait feels demeaning.

I don’t think it’s not a fun thing to explore, though—-I find it interesting to see, but there's a problem when it's only Sky. (I will admit, this is moreso a societal issue where 'lazy' and 'chronically ill' seem to go together, but that's not the point.)

You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place: thinking of Sky as lazy when he’s mentioned to be chronically ill, or thinking of Sky as chronically ill when he’s mentioned to be lazy. 

When you’re able-bodied and/or neurotypical, it’s easy to fall back on stereotypes, and you need to think about why you think a character is disabled. If you’re allistic, why do you headcanon a robot as autistic? If you’re able-bodied, why do you headcanon the “lazy” character as chronically ill?

Another common “trait” people will give Sky is asthma, but I've always found this hard to follow.

As he grows up above the clouds (where we all know the air gets thinner as you go up) his body is already familiar with the strain.

Once he goes down to the surface, it would be noticeably easier to breathe—this is supported by real life children who grow up in high altitudes, who have to acclimate to high air pressure as they descend and, notably, still have to acclimate to the low levels of oxygen when they return, as well.

Instead, I propose chronic altitude sickness—commonly short bouts of illness related to changing altitudes without time to acclimate. This is both accurate and more interesting to read.

Sky is also often portrayed as having narcolepsy, a disorder with many stereotypes. Because it’s something even the medical field doesn’t know much about, it leads to people without narcolepsy who want to depict it in their fic thinking they don’t need to put research into it.

Narcolepsy is, in fact, incredibly complicated—I have narcolepsy, having fully gone through the long diagnostic process and everything and there's still things even I don’t understand about it.

To clear up any misconceptions: Narcolepsy is not a “falls asleep at random” disorder. Narcolepsy is a disorder of a person's sleep cycles, specifically REM sleep, as the brain is unable to regulate when the sleep cycles happen. 

This can cause things like excessive daytime sleepiness, disrupted nighttime sleep, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, having your brain be stuck in autopilot, (meaning your body keeps moving after your brain tells it to stop) and if you have Narcolepsy Type-1, cataplexy.

I won’t go too in-depth, though. I am not a doctor. I just know what my sleep specialist has told me. Please do your own research and talk to people who have this condition (and if you don’t know anyone, you know me now! @wakingwinds on tumblr—I don’t bite, I promise). 

Narcolepsy is not cute, or fun, or something you can use as a tool for angst. Narcolepsy is real. I and many others suffer from it daily. I love the idea of Sky with narcolepsy, but only when it’s done right.

-

The Hero of the Four Sword. The least popular LU character (at least in terms of fics), and the subject of some pretty heavy discourse.

The writer of this section is a system, and I am speaking to the singlets of the Linked Universe fandom. There are a couple things I want to touch on here, and hopefully, I will be able to better educate people who want to learn. 

First off, Four. Specifically, singlets portraying him with DID. 

DID is something that has a lot of stereotypes and misconceptions even within the psych field, which is something I won’t get into here, but it’s safe to say that if you want to portray it properly you’re going to need to be very careful. 

In my opinion, I don’t think singlets should write Four with DID. 

The fact of the matter is that Four… doesn’t have DID. Four’s plurality was caused by a magic sword, not trauma. You can write Four as plural without giving them DID, which avoids issues with an accurate portrayal.

Obviously, you still shouldn’t use pluralphobic stereotypes (the “evil alter”, among others), but I would hope that’s a given. Once again, this is my personal opinion. There are probably going to be systems who disagree with me on this, and I am absolutely open to hearing their thoughts on the subject in a constructive conversation. 

If you’re a singlet who wants to write Four with DID, I’m not going to stop you, even though in my opinion, this subject should be left to systems to write on their own if they want to. 

So, how can you do it right?

Talk to systems. Every system will have vastly different experiences, so if you can it’s best to talk to multiple, but not everyone knows that many systems (and if you don’t know any at all, once again, you know me now. @wakingwinds on tumblr etc etc). 

Make sure you do research into the real life experiences of real systems, not just what some singlets have boiled it down to. Systemhood is a very varied experience, so in all honesty, as long as you aren’t being actively harmful and talk to some systems about your portrayal it’s not too hard to do it right. 

The second topic I wanted to touch on is how all of you as singlets can make this community more welcoming to the systems in it. I personally have had some incredibly bad experiences in this fandom directly related to being a system, and I know I’m not the only system who’s dealt with the same thing. 

First off, even though the whole idea of multiple people sharing a body may seem “weird” or “unrealistic” to you, we do exist. 

Do not assume a system you know is faking. You don’t know them, you are not their therapist, you are not inside their head, and quite frankly, it is none of your business. Especially as a singlet. Just let systems exist. It doesn’t matter if you think introjects are “cringy” or think that everyone on the internet is faking for attention. It’s not your place. 

Treat introjects like real people, not characters, because that’s what they are. Some introjects may be similar to their source, some are entirely detached from it, but at the end of the day they are a real person. Not roleplay. 

Next, have pluralkit and/or tupperbox in your servers! These bots are used by many systems to proxy as themselves, with their own names and profile pictures. I know for me, it is so incredibly validating to be able to proxy as myself in a server instead of having to mask as our collective singletsona, and the rest of my system feels the same. 

None of them want to have to pretend to be me, so in servers without pluralkit they feel alienated – like they can’t talk at all. 

Ask the systems you know about their boundaries. Everyone has a different experience, and they will want to be treated differently. Do they want to all be treated as separate people? Cool! Do they all consider themselves facets of the same person? Also cool!

Ask about what language they prefer and most of all, be respectful. A little bit of kindness and an attempt at understanding goes a long way. And hey, if you really want to help make the community more of a safe space, call out the pluralphobia you see in other singlets.

Listen to systems and boost their voices. Stay out of any system related discourse/drama. And most of all, just be nice to people. 

-

The Hero of Time.

Something I've noticed is how many people seem to interpret Time as a stoic, stern heroic figure. There's nothing wrong with this interpretation, but there's something I find lacking about it.

Let's look at the fanon interpretation of Mask, before we get into Time.

Mask is commonly used in Hyrule Warriors fics or as a younger, teenage version of Time. He is typically jaded, angsty, angry and snarky—and I enjoy seeing such characterizations, since it's a realistic way to lash out from trauma. Said fics also explore the consequences of his 'angsty teenager' actions, which is also great.

Now, let's remember that Time canonically has a form of support in Malon, and perhaps other characters we haven't met. While, yes, he can be stony and stoic at times, that's not all he is.

He opens up, he lets himself show his emotions to others, talks about what makes him happy. All things Mask doesn't do—because he has had time to heal from his trauma.

Not to say he isn't perfect. Of course he makes mistakes, of course his trauma hasn't up and disappeared. But he's learned how to be himself again.

I notice in fics where Time is this epitome of a stoic, heroic figure; it feels like his efforts have been erased, like he's still stewing in his trauma. This feels like we're reducing him to a character archetype (which is fine, as long as that's not all it is) and erasing what makes him such an interesting character.

-

We all create art to indulge and enjoy sharing our creations with others, and that's completely fine—encouraged, even.

However, something we must always keep in mind is the fact that while fiction isn't reality, they are symbiotic and affect each other drastically. Propaganda takes example of this by influencing peoples' minds through content, even fictional content. The word may have a negative context, but it can apply to anything—even this essay!

When you write fiction, you must remember that if you share it with other people, the information in it will subconsciously ingrain in their minds.

And when said information is stigmatized, stereotyped, or puts off incorrect ideas of trauma and how to heal, it can hurt many people.

Disabled people are not your tools for angst.

You don't have to take everything to heart here, but we ask that you at least take a second to think critically about yourself and the things you read.

That's all.

[weaselbeaselpants]

Reading up on the leaked Q and As with Viv about fans makes me unironically worried about her. The quote in particular said: " Viv’s ADHD enables her to bounce around between things a lot, it’s been a blessing because she can bounce between the shows if she gets tired of either. Sometimes it gets overwhelming, causing her to lose focus, and losing sleep, but it’s working in the end "

As a creative who suffers from ADHD/OCD to me that sounds like a situation RIFE for burnout and exhaustion. I really would have been into Helluva (and Hazbin) taking a lot longer for everyone's sake because it seems like Viv, despite her nertwork, is committed to doing everything everywhere all at once and just...well no wonder she's so protective of it.

A lot of older work I was super proud of when I finished, is just super flawed now- all for reasons I didn't forsee in my own writing because, well, I was writting+drawing+mapping out+conceptualizing all of that by myself and on a deadline AND battling my other focuses at the time. In the 'moment' my one end was getting it all done and getting it all done well, I had no time for critique to seep in and cause me more stress and I'd be VERY volatile to people who were clearly just not in the 'zone' I was about the world/story/character I created.

Where I'm proud and impressed with the work I've managed to get done, I know it's far from perfect and maybe even suffered because I was pushing it too hard to be everything rather than be one thing. This is why, on my latest fanfiction project, I hyperfocused in the end on just getting it out at all and mostly being in coherent order rather than it being a perfect work of art- when you're one goal in your ff is silly musings, you should be making sure that that work specifically isn't a chore, but something indulgent for your sake. The ppl who like it even if it were made well won't like it and the people who would like it if it were better will understand- tldr; you work at your own pace.

With my original work I absolutely prioritize what I can and can not conceivably get done and commit to it and selling it and hoping people like it for what it is rather than what I hyped it up to be and...good god hun no wonder she takes so many vacations.

[luniellar]

Dain gets a bad rep, I get it. But, give him a chance?

I started writing a Dain's POV fanfic that is a retelling of the canon events from Fourth Wing and Iron Flame. We just made it to events from Iron Flame and some of my favorite scenes are coming up so I wanted to reach out to the Tumblr community to see if anyone might be interested! I haven't kept up with updates here, so I'm here to try to convince you!

SPOILER WARNING! Do not proceed if you have not read Fourth Wing or Iron Flame.

Things to know going into it:

I will not be pushing Dain X Violet because let's be real Xaden X Violet is end game (but I would be interested to see if you guys who you would pair Dain with....👀)

My own interpretations do not venture far from canon events! It follows the chapters from the books and I have chapter references for each chapter in case you wanted to follow along

If you hate Dain, this fanfic may bring you joy as he suffers from jealous syndrome and heartbreak (multiple times)

You get to see Dain's interaction with a sassy (but still caring) dragon personality, Cath

There are 7 chapters out already! (and you heard it here first, the infamous interrogation scene will be coming in 2 chapters!)

If you are suffering from FW/IF hangover, this will help!

Some excerpts:

A sudden lightning storm.

Then a lightning strike hits a window on the third-year floor.

And there was only one lightning wielder I knew. 

I clenched my jaws as my hands curled into tight fists. I tasted nothing but bitterness in my mouth as I tore my gaze from the window that was there just seconds ago. I needed to get back to my room. My legs pushed against the soft mud as I forced myself to walk into the same dormitory building filled with disgust. 

I found her, but I don’t think I have the guts to tell her tonight. Maybe someday, but not tonight.

And fuck, I’m petty.

Chapter 4

Mira stands back and looks around the room. “Who is in command?” She glanced at Quinn and added. “And let’s pretend that I don’t have three years of seniority on even the highest-ranked of you.”

I sat up straight, looking at Mira. “Then I’m in command.”

“Our wingleader is here,” Liam pointed at Riorson. “I would say that puts him in command.”

Gods, can Liam go suck Riorson’s dick anywhere else? 

“We can pretend I’m not here, just for the sake of the exercise.” Xaden lounged back, moving his arm across the back of Violet’s arm. I gritted my teeth as I glared back. “Give Aetos here the position we all know he craves.” 

Chapter 6

If I slightly convinced you, check out Defy on AO3 or Wattpad!

With that, I'm out! If you are following my Garrick X OC fanfiction Breathe Me, I am working on those updates too! Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[rose-arwen-padme]

Suppression: Sneak Peek at the next chapter

Hello there! I haven't been nearly as active on tumblr as I've wanted to be lately, but I thought I might make up for that with a sneak peek at one of the final chapters of the fic. This a flashback, and experienced readers know the text of flashbacks appear in the story in italics. Because the segment is on its own here, however, I'm changing it to regular font for the purpose of this post.

For those unfamiliar with my fanfiction story, Suppression, it follows the canon/legends AOTC story of Anakin and Padmé's courtship-- with a lot of extra scenes added in. Here are some links if you'd like to check it out!

AO3 Link and Fanfiction.Net Link

A galaxy's worth of gratitude to those who have found/followed me on tumblr. This sneak peek is meant as my sincere thanks to you all.

Hope you enjoy!

IX. NABOO

Chapter 57. The Holy Man Returns

O love, O fire! once he drew With one long kiss my whole soul through My lips, as sunlight drinketh dew. ― Alfred Lord Tennyson

“Don’t hold back,” I stated firmly. “I want them to be able to see it from the other side of the chamber.”

Rabé silently followed my instructions, drawing the makeup brush in the red pigment before reapplying it to my top lip. She was careful to mind the established lines so the effect did not bleed— ironic, as the color of the cosmetic was meant to symbolize spilled blood. The Scar of Remembrance deepened under her expert hand. The ceremonial markings represented the suffering my people endured before the Great Time of Peace. Since the day my term began, I’d donned the lipstick, face coat, and twin dots to solemnly remember an ancient history I had no personal recollection of. Today, it was my war paint. History took second-standing to contemporary threats. My pacifist home had an enemy… and we were losing.

I squinted at the blinding light coming through the window’s horizontal shades, but I didn’t move. Rabé had asked me to stand in the bright path of Coruscant’s sun so that she may better retouch my makeup. I obeyed the rules of my handler as devoutly as she obeyed the decrees of her Queen.

The tip of my tongue and the juices in my mouth captured the flavors. The red pigment tasted like almonds, as it always did; the white like sour candy. At least, to me. Sabé often insisted the white tasted how her aunt’s “nasty perfume” smelled. After a minute more of ministrations, Rabé retrieved a mirror the size of a datapad for a final check. She held it up from a meter away, and a ghostly white face interrupted by dark hues stared back at me. There was the red, of course, but she’d also filled in the brown of my eyebrows well— not that I used them much to convey expression when I adopted the Amidala persona.

Today had to be a careful exception. An exception to the usual brand of stoicism because I was here to plead a case, and I would seek to touch the emotions of those listening. Careful, because the Senator for the Trade Federation would be there too. For the sake of my home world, I could not afford to look unbalanced in front of him.

“Does it please you?” Rabé’s accent enveloped her question in its lovely way.

Weary of the weight of the horned headpiece, I only slightly dipped my chin in approval.

It was an ingenious trick— Eirtaé’s suggestion— to wear the ornate horns for the all-important event, as it added a significant amount of height and authority to my petite frame. The red and gold layers of my wide dress helped greatly as well. But although the adornments of arched hair and many tassels were counterbalanced by the full train of sectioned hair going down my back, I was still getting reacquainted with having such a massive embellishment on my head. Just three days on Tatooine allowed me to fall back into the comfort of being a regular girl again, with a regular girl’s braids. If I hadn’t worn the medium-sized, fanned headpiece during my strategy meeting with Senator Palpatine— easing me back into the physicality of Queen— the transition from simple handmaiden garb to this might have given me whiplash.

With my styling complete, Rabé stashed the mirror and went to help the others. Sabé and Eirtaé were storing the rejected wardrobe options back into my upright trunks.

The silence as they worked was deafening.

It was unnerving for all of us— to be a group of four, instead of our usual six. The compensating rhythm was awkward and… sad. There was too much space in the opulent room. Too much empty air. Fear for Saché and Yané fueled my growing impatience. It had been gracious of Palpatine to offer rooms to his Queen in his own apartment, but I was restless to trade these red walls and black statues for the audience I’d traveled here for— the audience I’d abandoned my people and run a blockade to be seen by.

{Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us.}

“How much longer must we wait?”

“Senator Palpatine promised he will be here to escort you before the special session begins.” If Sabé’s voice had an accent, it was one of lingering regal authority. Similar to me, albeit in the opposite direction, my decoy was still adjusting into her alternative-self. Her vocal cords were finding their way back to her natural tone after using the Queen’s voice, in which she’d been meticulously confined ever since we’d switched roles in the palace. It had been, by far, the longest she’d ever had to use it.

Rabé’s voice rang with concern. “Do you think it is as he said? The Supreme Chancellor does not have the power to help us?”

“Chancellor Valorum called for this special session so that I may address the Senate. I cannot believe they will allow the injustice to continue once they’ve learned of it.” Surely, the state of the government couldn’t be as bleak as Palpatine claimed. His idea of calling for a vote of no confidence had to remain a last resort. Even if Valorum was ineffectual, it was far better for Naboo to have an ally in a weakened Chancellor than for me to make an enemy of one. I fought back a nervous fear flooding through my chest. This would be the most important speech, not just of my political career, but of my life. “I have one chance to get this right.”

“The truth is on our side,” Sabé affirmed. “All you need to do is tell the truth.”

I dipped my chin in agreement, though I knew the theatrics of politics made it more complicated than that. My eyes dropped to the floor. After a moment, I closed my lids completely in order to concentrate. I hadn’t been in the Senate Rotunda since my time as an Apprentice Legislator. I pictured the unparalleled magnitude of the chamber. Its thousands of identical hoverpods. I would need to convince as many of their occupants as I could. “Esteemed representatives…” I lowered my voice into the Queen’s register. “Esteemed representatives of the Republic.”

I was fortunate the tone we’d chosen to hide our voices behind was pitched so low. It wasn’t unusual to the Naboo to elect fourteen-year-olds into sovereignty, but I was aware that many other planets— even with cultures populated by humans— did not share such a respect for their younger generations. Wardrobe, word-choice, timbre, posture, expression— I needed to broadcast the maturity of someone twice my age.

Wardrobe was complete, posture and expression were second-nature, and I was already successful at tapping back into the trademark voice. That just left the speech.

Back and forth, I paced across the blush-red carpet in my slowed, weighted walk. Three pairs of piercing eyes watched me work through the very best selections of Basic. I did not feel the gaze of doting handmaidens, but of frightened daughters. Sisters. Nieces. Each of them, just like me, had families and friends left to unknown fates. Each of them was as invested as me in the outcome of this nightmare— but their loved ones’ lives were solely in my hands, not in theirs.

The weight of monarchy had never felt so heavy on my adolescent shoulders.

I bit down on my lip without thinking and tasted the white pigment. Doing so made me realize how much Sabé must’ve thought about her aunt these past days.

{The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates.}

“Esteemed repre… Honorable representatives of the Republic. Distinguished delegates.”

{There is no interest in the common good.}

Every sentence would be an opportunity for a catastrophic stumble.

“Chancellor Valorum— Your Honor, Supreme Chancellor Valorum. I have come to… I come to you in a time of great peril for my people.”

{The Chancellor has little real power. He is mired by baseless accusations of corruption.}

“I come to you under the most perilous of circumstances.” I shook my head. “That’s not it.” My stomach twisted in the hand of anxiety’s grip.

Sabé’s voice came from somewhere behind me. “What about, ‘under the gravest of circumstances?’”

But my attention had been caught by Rabé. She was speaking into a comm. “Let him in.”

As she left our room and moved towards the circular atrium, I felt a rush of irritation. There wouldn’t be a need for a security-comm check if Senator Palpatine had arrived. Until I felt comfortable with my heartfelt-but-not-hysterical, emphatic-but-not-weak plea, I didn’t want any visitors. I made eye contact with the others. “If it isn’t Captain Panaka, an escort arriving to take me to the Senate, or the Viceroy himself coming to announce his retreat, I do not wish to be disturbed.”

Eirtaé suddenly looked hopeful. “What if it is Chancellor Valorum?”

I appreciated her optimism but knew the odds of it being right were slim to none. I heard the entry door close. Soon after, I was sure I heard my name— my real name, the name my parents gave me— spoken. I made my voice loud. “Who is it?” My feet carried me the steps it took to pass the wall barrier and see the visitor for myself.

Rabé announced the answer just as a scrawny arm and a matted head of blond hair came into view. “Anakin Skywalker to see Padmé, Your Highness.”

Our eyes connected. I waited a half-second— just a half-second— to see. It was strange, that though the success of the decoy switch was a life-or-death matter, I wanted Ani to see through it. But the funny little boy who knew so much— who gave me his bed while he slept next to it on the sandy floor; who blushed when I embraced him after he victoriously risked his life to help us— regarded me without any sign of recognition at all.

Good, I reminded myself, papering over the unexpected disappointment. That’s a good thing.

He bowed like any nine-year-old without practice at it would. Ani wasn’t going to be a critical news-bearer or an escort. I wasn’t as annoyed to see him as I might’ve been by another interrupter, but I didn’t have time for this. My voice was curt. “I’ve sent Padmé on an errand.”

I inwardly— never outwardly— flinched at my blunder. Eirtaé and Sabé were behind me. Rabé stood next to Ani. Three handmaidens had come to the capital with the Queen of Naboo. Three handmaidens and a Queen stood within his sight. Luckily, Ani didn’t seem to count or care. It only mattered to him that the angel he sought wasn’t here.

There was something about the way he nervously twitched his hands that pulled at my heart. This child had snuggled into my arms in the ship’s booth just hours ago, looking up at me with trust while he cried for his mother. I’d sung him lullabies until he’d fallen asleep. Now, he was clearly intimidated by the imposing figure— the stranger— before him. “I’m on my way to the Jedi Temple to start my training, I hope.” He became crest-fallen. “I may never see her again, so I came to say goodbye.”

Never see each other again?

No, no, not now. Not like this.

He’d burst into my life so recently, and at such a desperate hour, but the concept of a final goodbye between us was surprising in its discomfort. And yet… was it? Anakin Skywalker had been the only person or reason why I’d smiled— even laughed— since the moment Federation starships arrived in Naboo’s orbit. He’d been my eye of calm in the center of an overwhelming storm. He’d become my friend. Now, I was supposed to look at him as if I barely knew him— as if this was the first conversation we’d ever had.

I’d never wanted to wretch away the Amidala mask so badly before.

See me, Ani. Give me a sign that you see who I am, or even that you suspect these words are coming from me.

“We will tell her for you. We are sure her heart goes with you.”

It was as much emotion as I dared to infuse in my voice.

He bowed respectfully. Again, there was no indication Ani wondered if he was talking to the person he’d claimed just days ago he was going to marry. If anything, I detected an emerging smirk at my headpiece, like he found it a tad much. Padmé would have agreed with him. “Thank you, Your Highness.”

I turned away, fearful that my mask would not hold much longer. Fearful he would finally recognize me, which I knew couldn’t be allowed. I kept my eyes on him until the last possible moment, dreading and hoping for the flash of awareness that never came.

And then he was gone.

After I heard the exterior doors slide shut, I stared down at the floor, as immobile as Palpatine’s polished statues. When I eventually looked up at the two handmaidens studying me, I saw surprise in their expressions. It didn’t matter. My eyes were already scanning the room for something precious.

“There was a gray, drawstring pouch. I put an amulet in it. Is it here, or was it left on my ship?”

Rabé walked back into the room and looked between the three of us. She’d heard my question, but she, too, shrugged along with the others. “I am not sure.”

“There are designs carved into it. It’s strung on a thick, brown cord.”

Eirtaé apologetically offered, “I didn’t see a gray pouch anywhere.”

I told him I didn’t need the Japor snippet to remember him by, but I couldn’t have lost it so quickly!

“It’s of great importance to me.”

Rabé looked perplexed. “Do you require it for your speech?”

The speech.

The hooded trio were scrutinizing me, clearly confused. They didn’t know if this amulet was a lucky token of some kind I wanted for a superstitious cause, or perhaps a literal bargaining chip important to a secret strategy known only to their Queen.

I opened my white and red mouth to explain, but no words came out, except, “No… I don’t need it for the Senate.”

Sabé accepted the situation for whatever it was. She nodded and declared, “We will find it after.”

Once again, I heard the endowed authority that was supposed to be in my voice instead present in hers. I clung to it. On a rational plane, I knew the level of wrongness I felt under my skin was absurd.

But somewhere very deep within— some ancient part of my young soul that spoke a language I was years away from understanding— grappled with the poisonous idea that I’d never see Anakin Skywalker again.

“Yes. Make sure it is not lost.”

[livin-like-larry413]

hey there!! just regarding the state of the cod fandom: things really seem to be spiralling out of control based on some recent posts i've seen, and it just reinforces my decision to never get involved with the fandom at all.

and in a way there's a bitter irony to this all because people who adore and fawn over fictional men who are military can't even show a shred of decency or kindness to an actual veteran suffering from PTSD. and if they're incapable of doing so, then what is the point of engaging with a fandom that'll devolve into vitriol so caustic that they'll gloat over someone's passing?

obviously it's not that we should take everything as truth - things should be taken with a grain of salt as this is the internet. you never know that people will peddle. but if a post like that can already lead to someone actually dying over a horny shitpost, then there's no way to salvage this fandom.

sorry if this is a bothersome rant, i just feel like i really wanted to get involved with fandom and fanfiction at last after so long, especially because there's so many ways you can explore these characters. but this incident has really deterred me from it. and i suppose i just wanted to let it out somewhere.

i hope you're looking after yourself regardless and taking care, stranger! this is a heavy, taxing topic, and in times like this, kindness is worth more than its weight in gold.

Honestly, bestie, it’s understandable wanting to remain detached from the cod fandom even before all of this discourse—it’s what’s kept me from getting into cod at all from the get go because all I’ve ever seen from the fandom was just banana boat bonkers 100% of the time. It’s never bothersome to rant and express how everything’s impacting you as a bystander, and as someone who wanted to participate and have fun with something.

There’s plenty of other fandoms that are much less toxic than cod (not completely un-toxic, that’s unfortunate not possible) but don’t let this one instance deter you from having fun for your own sake. Even if it takes you time to share it publicly, it’s still possible to create and have fun with fandoms and fanfiction while anonymous or just keeping it between a friend group: it’s what I’ve ended up doing at this point, because open online fandom has just devolved so much over the years. Cod is still an available game and story to have fun with, even if you just want to do it on your own for now.

I’m just tired and disappointed at this point. What’s even worse is this isn’t the first instance of someone committing because of how vitriolic this fandom is to people—two cosplayers that ended their lives not too long ago are constantly on my mind and it’s—I’m really shocked at how easily and quickly it seems the rest of the fandom seems to have moved on, besides a few chance people, that is.

No matter what, there’s just no excuse for how spectacularly this has all spiraled out of control and into something that is completely irrelevant to what caused the issue to begin with—which was the toxic fanbase being vengeful and vitriolic to people who don’t deserve it: codslut and Soapskneebrace both. Everyone has lost the plot, it seems, and are focusing on everything other than “This person very likely killed herself because unknown individuals ran with a stupid comment made by someone else on a horny shitpost”.

I’m doing fine, thank you for taking the time to check in and give kindness, it absolutely is a fleeting online curtesy at the moment. It’s appreciated, and I’m sorry you’ve been deterred from joining much of any fandom for now. I hope you find people that you can vibe with about your interests and who you enjoy spending time with.