#trauma is complicated and God knows i can talk forever about how complicated

[elytrafemme]

oh you know what it is actually. the reason that i’m way more willing to talk about me being a bad girlfriend is because i have done a lot to be a better partner and have fought probably the most brutal uphill battle trying to heal from relationship issues in the past so that i can like actually love people better. and i still stumble and fall but i really am trying to be a better friend and partner and everything. 

but i can’t like. say the same of my exes. because you know, i’m not them. which makes it a lot harder to talk about anything they did because, like. i want to believe that they’re better now to anyone that came after me but i don’t know and unfortunately i don’t know if that knowledge would even fix this feeling. 

[roseworth]

Any thoughts on Bart and Rose?

MANY

they make me so goddamn emotional. first of all bart being genuinely interested in being friends with her in a period of her life where she felt like no one really wanted her around.. like the titans kinda had to look after her and the older titans saw her as an unstable child that had to be taken care of (which is correct. but she didnt like that). but BART just looked at her and thought she was cool and wanted to hang out with her <3

and him saying "its not like that" is sooo sweet bc he really just wanted to be friends with her 😭 ge*ff made their relationship sorta romantic but its so sweet that he saw her and said "idk how i feel about her but i just know i want to hang out with her <3"

also my fav thing ever is that he sees her screaming at donna and crying and goes "this is the perfect time to make my move 😎" its so fucking funny because then the NEXT time he sees her he does the exact same thing. she watched her foster parents get murdered in front of her and bart goes "hey rose! its me your friend!" ily bart. but he just keeps running into her at the absolute lowest points in her life and trying to be friends. like baby shes about to kill herself this is not the time to hang out...

and then. GOD. HELLO. tt03 #12 makes me lose my fucking mind btw

sobbing because hes the ONLY PERSON that ever reached out to her during this era. hes the only person that recognized there was something wrong and tried to help her. he knew her!!! he thought she was lying to slade because he couldnt believe she would do that. GOD.

it drives me insane that so many people who shouldve done something to help her just. didnt. but i understand that sometimes the story has to happen and they couldnt do it. thats FINE its FINE

ooouuuuggaaagahguhhohuguhhoyhuguhhughggaghahhguhhuogouhghhggagghhguhuahgguhhohooouuauauhghggaagahhuhguhooouguhaggahghgh. im fine.

"rose was there. trying not to be like her dad. trying to be something else." ACK. OUCH. ok im fine.

then. titans of tomorrow 🤮

scraps of what could've been....... i assume geoff had an arc in mind where the titans take rose back (they were at least kinda hinting at it in some of the stories) and i so badly want to know what would've happened. i like the renegade arc but i wish we got a story with the titans taking her back :((( i dont trust jeff geohns with anything but... in my imagination it would've been a great story with bart coming to get her and convincing her to leave her dad

and im still refusing to acknowledge the rest of the titans of tomorrow arc because that story is so goddamn stupid and boring. but theyre married or something in it idk

BUT. BUT BUT BUT. heres where i get insane

because ouuughhhh they could be besties but they just. keep missing each other. right person wrong time but platonically because oughhhh they first met when rose's life was just completely destroyed. then they meet again when rose's life was destroyed AGAIN. then!!!!!!!! when rose meets the team its right after bart leaves and later dies

throwing up and crying bc after rose dies we get so much of rose's favorite trauma response of suppressing it and pretending she doesnt care then trying to fuck someone

someone that she considered a friend but hadnt been able to talk to in years dies and she says "LOL that funeral is so boring! haha bart meant nothing to me. im fine. stop talking about feelings and lets skinny dip right now. bart who" go off queen <3 she does not want to let herself feel any emotion so she represses it as hard as she can forever

(btw. i have complicated feelings about this bc as much as its in character for her to repress all her feelings with sexualizing herself,,,, ew. idk if this is johns or mckeever but its one of their faults and i know it because despite defining all the important aspects of her character theyre both so gross about her sometimes. men 👎 but thats a completely different rant)

ARRHCHHGGHFAHN.... THEN. titans of tomorrow (🤮) again

bart spent this entire story saying she was awful and trying to murder her (they divorced i guess. stupid ass storyline i dont care) shes still sad to lose him again. this is literally the only time she lets herself mourn him and its right after hes been trying to kill her. there is so much wrong with her <3 <3 <3

also as i was looking for that panel i saw this one and i think its so silly:

thats my girl!!! take no responsibility for anything ever and always find someone else to blame for your actions 💞 and bonus points for hating men !

anyways. then later the krul run happens and theyre both vaguely out of character but they FINALLY get to be friends again!!!!!! theyre buddies!!!!!!!!!!!! theyre hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

besties bullying a 12 year old together <3

also one of my favs because i know its supposed to be "haha barts being creepy to her XD isnt that so funny" but inside my head this moment is just bart getting so excited about being on a team with rose again that he refuses to let her miss any of the action. he grabs her hand and gets her into her costume and doesnt think anything of it because hes just so happy that he gets to hang out with his buddy <3 that wasnt the writers intention. but it is to me

if youre willing to exaggerate. they r so besties here. they are taking every opportunity to hang out because they finally get to be buddies :') we still get to see bart just genuinely liking her and once again he just thinks shes cool and wants to hang out with her <3333 theyre so much fun

and i cant keep looking for screenshots because reading the end of this book bums me out since the new52 happened and they couldnt finish any of the arcs they had planned. lili worth i miss you every day

anyways yeah to answer your question. i love bart & rose 👍 the way hes one of the only people that just. likes her. hes the first person (ish) that reaches out to her after her mom died when she was at a very low point in her life and he continues to just enjoy her company and like her as a person which doesnt happen a lot <///3 there are so few people that like her and want to spend time with her and just genuinely think shes a good person but bart always does!!!!! barring t*tans *f t*morrow bart always likes her and always thinks highly of her when no ones else does 💞💞💞 theyre so sweet and i want them to interact again

[blastlight]

#christian followers feel free to infodump in my inbox

☆hi beam!! okay i'm agnostic (spiritual and leaning hindu) now, but as a kid i used to be catholic (and also hindu at the same time. i was both simultaneously it's Complicated)

☆when i was little (before the Upsettings happened) god was sort of like my imaginary friend that i talked to all the time and demanded stuff from him constantly and i felt super upset whenever i did something to make him "angry". One time when i was 7 i prayed for about a week straight for him to turn me white. I was also convinced he would give me superpowers before i turned ten. I told all my friends about it. and then when it didnt happen i convinced myself it was because i was (vaguely) hindu too and God doesnt like it when i talk to other gods (???????) I won't get into the more traumatic aspect of the whole thing but the thought of someone always watching and the prospect of hell and dying forever messed me up for a good long while

☆surprisingly unrelated to that, i was obsessed with the bible as a kid (not really in a religious way so much as an autism way). My favourite book/section in the bible was leviticus and i just sat there for hours reading over and over what the ancient israelites were supposed to Not Do and the proper rituals that had to happen if they did those things anyway. My second favourite was the book of revelations but that was out of childish spite because at some point I remember the priest at my church saying that nobody understood what revelations meant or what was going on in there and i went "okay I'll just be the first then". I had Theories.

☆i was also going through my ancient history phase around the same time of my obsessive bible phase so every single week at church i bothered every single adult with questions about evolution and why the dinosaurs aren't in the bible until they made me feel too guilty to ask LOL (same thing happened when i asked stuff like why they eat shrimp or wear purple if leviticus says they can't)

☆tldr; i was obsessed with the bible in the way other kids at the time were obsessed with stuff like percy jackson, not because of religion but because i was fascinated by the Lore. But at the same time (and mostly unrelated to my bible interest??) i also believed in god fully and thought he would do stuff for me if i asked nice enough but be also scared me very much. Around age 12 I eventually reasoned myself out of christianity because, among other things, i decided the whole heaven/hell situation wasn't fair and unrealistic and also genesis made zero sense. The religious trauma that came later didn't help but was surprisingly not a driving factor for the most part. I still read the bible sometimes. I think it's fascinating

Oh wow that's way more than I thought anyone would send hahah

Definitely sounds interesting. I can see how you might end up like that but it sounds unusual. i don't know a whole lot about hinduism, but if you want, can you elaborate on how being hindu affected your catholic experience? just for curiosity :>

i relate with the "talking to G-d as if He's my imaginary friend" thing so much. i don't do that much now, but it's just way easier to speak directly than through very specific pre-written prayers sometimes...

hyperfixating on Bible Lore TM is kinda fascinating. i would not have chosen levitcus but i can see the hypothetical appeal of analyzing The Rules. (i was a child of chaos.) i don't know anything about revelations. what is going on in there?

bothering church adults with dinosaur questions is hysterical. also, where does it mention not wearing purple again? because religious jews do follow a lot of the commandments that originated from there, but that one's never come up. seems like a weird mistranslation/misinterpretation maybe?

makes sense why you'd leave based on that, i think that's more or less a common experience with ex-christians from what i've seen? good luck with the rest of that ♡ 👍 ♡

[mildew-spirits]

TW: RAMCOA, PROGRAMMING

Wow. Three posts in one night. How "cool."

I went from feeling like an emotional light switch that got turned off into being an angry light switch who's pissed off at the world. One week. One word. That's all it took for our life to go to even more shit then it was. That's all. All it took. And now our life is completely changed. I want to go back, I want to go back to when no one knew me or any of my sidesystem existed. I want to go back to before we did research. I want to stop ourself. But who am I kidding we would've still done it anyway. We have questioned many things over the past few years especially ever since system things came to light. Some things we have been right about and some things we have been wrong about and just went on with our day. I wish this was that. I want it to be that so badly. I want to wake up tomorrow and go "oh my bad". But I can't do that and neither can anyone in my system who knows do that. I want to go back and stop this. Yes, it would've happened at one point or another I know that. But why now? Why now? Why did we have to see that God damn post that mentioned programming? Why did we have to have the gut feeling to research it? There were signs. There always were signs. I feel like everyone always says that once they make a new discovery. There was signs. A few of us had suspected religious trauma. Another few of us had suspected sexual trauma on top of what we already had. We tried to think about it and wondered why the dots weren't connecting. It was because we didn't get the whole picture. I hate this. I hate this a lot. From what I've gathered, we can't even talk about this without feeling screwed one way or another afterwards. But we still try. We still did it just to have proof something was in fact happening. I want to go back to being one of the innocent ones who doesn't know. I wish we were educated or warned before researching. It still would've gone to shit but surely it would've taken longer then a week. Instead we had no warnings, no nothing. Just a morbid itch and curiosity to keep going. And that's on us right? I'm pissed at us, I'm pissed at everything. A WEEK AGO WE WERE OKAY AND LIVING LIFE AND NOW ITS BEEN FOREVER WRECKED. We had trauma before this. We were always confused on why some of those were just apart of collective memory and some could even recall it without hiccup. We felt it was weird because for a system as complicated as ours surely there'd be more to the story. WHY DO YOU GET TO WRECK OUR LIFE IN JUST A WEEK. 4-9. 4-9 is when he had easy access to us. 4-9 is when our parents willingly let us go with him under the guise we were with a trusted adult. Yeah, sure, after the almost wreck (at 7?) it was touch and go, but still had access. "He used to take you everywhere" ... She. She had shown signs of programming. She was our best friend for years. How did we not know. Almost felt like she unknowingly projected it onto us. So many things felt weird. And we just. Went through life. We trusted him. We were fine. A week ago. We were fine. It's not fair just how fucked up our life could get in a week. Growing up, we had this weird social anxiety around adults, especially around ones we didn't know. Our voice would automatically go a higher pitch. It still does. I wonder if that's connected. I'm not going to be that person who pins all their issues on their latest discovery as I know that's simply not true. But I really do have to wonder what all is connected in this web of fuckery. So many unexplained things I wonder just how many can be explained now.

[dee-in-the-box]

i. may or may not have made a Dsaf oc/self insert type thing (it's both because, appearance and partially personality wise, xe's based off of me irl. but backstory stuff is pretty different).

named the little guy Morgan Bane. he's sort of the "Jack of All Trades" in Dsaf 3. he's kinda one of the only main workers in Jack's restaurant.

time for some background on this lil guy:

23

they're genderqueer. and just queer in general.

they've got that LGBTQ+ Christian Religious Trauma™

Autistic and an Utter Anxious Wreck <3

associated with the color blue.

left home after college and went to go stay with a friend for a bit.

got a job at Jack's restaurant because Why Not, and also because she was also considering doing something similar later in her life and wanted to get some first hand experience with how these places work.

xe views Jack as a mentor of sorts. which uh. Makes A Certain Version Of The Legacy/Evil Route For This Guy Particularly Fucked Up!

please ask me about the Morgan and Dave (Pre-Henry Trauma) parallels i could go on for hours please-

during the Legacy Route, Morgan will accidentally walk in on Jack and Dave about to murder the baby, but will stand in shock and horror, trying to stammer out a question to Jack "B-Boss, I- What in God's name are you-?!"

there's two versions of Morgan during the Legacy Route (well...technically four if you count the routes where he'd get framed, but we won't count those for this-): one where Jack and Dave choose not to get Morgan involved, and simply threaten him into silence (which works), or uh...well, Anyone Heard Of The Snowgrave Route From Deltarune Chapter 2-?

so here's how it works, right? Good/Neutral Routes = Morgan is generally friendly towards Jack, and is actually quite eager to talk with him! Legacy Route (Normal) = Morgan is scared of Jack and will actively avoid him, and will fidget nervously whenever the two do interact. at the end, after Phone Guy gets done with his lecture, Morgan will give a much shorter one: "I...don't really know what there is to say. Y'know, I'm not one to say this lightly, but I believe that you deserve to hear this: Don't keep the Devil waiting, sir." Legacy Route (Snowgrave Edition) = same as Normal Legacy Route, except Somehow Worse, and gets dragged into Even More Shit. this poor boy. he needs a hug. and a fucking break.

Morgan is just sending. so many distress signals to Harry. So Many. help it.

also, i thought it would be interesting if Morgan had a QnA thing like the Phone Guy does in the game. have some differences in dialogue between Good/Neutral Route answers and Legacy (Snowgrave) answers for a few questions:

"Tell me about your family."

Good/Neutral: "Oh, well...my family are rather loving people, don't get me wrong; they said they only ever wanted the best for me, sir. They just weren't quite...accepting, you see. We had some disagreements, you could say. I love them all dearly, it's just...they don't love me for who I am, you know? They don't hate me; God no. They're just...rather set in their ways and faith, just as I am in mine.

It's...complicated, shall we say. We haven't talked much since I left for college...."

Legacy (Snowgrave): "Oh, well...our relationship isn't perfect, sir. Not by a long shot...b-but we still keep in touch rather often, I-I assure you! I can promise you that I've certainly been keeping in touch with them regularly for the past three years!

...

Why are you staring at me like that? I'm not lying! I-I do!"

"Who's this "friend" you keep talking about?"

Good/Neutral: "Oh, they're the sweetest! We've known each other for years, ever since we were little. They actually gave me a place to stay while I got my life somewhat in order. I'll be forever grateful for it.

I...don't know what I'd do without them, sir..."

Legacy (Snowgrave): "Oh...the friend I keep talking about? Well...we talk often, I lived with them for a while during college, and I feel like I could tell them anything."

(I see. And what would their name happen to be, Morgan?)

"....W-With all due respect, sir, I don't feel comfortable telling you that.

I-I'm not risking.....Of all the people in my life, I can't lose them. Please, I can't..."

"What do you know about Henry, Employee?" (note: in the Legacy Route, this question would be purple and would have a smiley face at the end)

Good/Neutral: "...Henry? as in Henry Miller? Well...I'll admit I don't know much. I know he was the co-owner of Fredbear's Family Diner, he was a doctor of sorts (apparently), and that he went missing in 1983.

...I'll be honest with you, sir. I might not've been alive when he was, but all the photos I've seen...he's got bad vibes. I don't know what it is, maybe the smile...? Just...ugh, he gives me the heebie jeebies and he's not even alive anymore...."

Legacy (Snowgrave): "W-Why did you ask it like that, sir? And...why're you looking at me like that..?

U-Um, well, I-I know he co-owned this place called Fredbear's Family Diner and that he went missing in the early 80's...but that's about it...

...W-Why did you need to know? Why are you still looking at me like that, sir?!"

"Do you have any hopes and dreams?"

Good/Neutral: "Well, y'know how this place is? And Chuck E. Cheese? I was thinkin'...maybe I could open my own place like this someday. Y'know, not a Freddy's or Chuck E's, but...my own little place! You think I could do it?

(...Yeah, you seem like you'd do great, Morgan.)

Really?! I- Thank you, sir!"

Legacy (Snowgrave): "...Well...I hope to get a better job someday. Maybe get married to someone.

.....Why do you ask sir?

...Sir? Jesus, you really like staring at me like that..."

"What do you think of me and your job here?" (note: same as the Henry question during the Legacy Route)

Good/Neutral: "Oh, well...you're certainly blunt, sir. B-But I don't mean that as a bad thing at all! You're a great boss! And this job, while it's certainly...chaotic at times, it's still one of the greatest I've had!"

(...Really? Wow...I feel kinda bad for you, Employee.)

N-no, I'm being serious! I like making people happy, and what better job for that than this one?

...Sure, this place hasn't had...the best track record of making people happy, but I hope to change that!"

Legacy (Snowgrave): "...Well, that depends. Do you want the truth, or do want to hear what you want to hear?"

(The Truth, Morgan.)

"....Sir, I have blood on my hands that can never be washed off. I feel too scared to fall asleep, afraid that I'll see that poor baby's face when I close my eyes.

...I'm also scared that either see you or Dave one standing over me, ready to..."silence" me...but that's neither here nor there...

...But I also know that I'm in too deep to back out now.

...So what real choice do I have, sir?"

2. (Well, that also depends...how much do you value your life, Morgan? :))

"...Well, in that case:

This is one of the greatest jobs I've ever had! Love you and my coworkers! Yep! Definitely don't live in terror every waking (and sleeping) moment, sir! Nope! Not at all! Heh heh..."

(Morgan nervously fidgets with her cross necklace, nervously looking behind you towards the door of The Office.

It seems like they're ready to make a break for it at a moment's notice. He tries to smile wide, but it doesn't reach his eyes.)

anyway, please send some asks about Morgan i'd love to talk about my lil dude here!! :D

[foggyparadisecandy]

Honestly I don't think I've ever heard other people talk about it as well but there is something about watching other people share what they're going through and talk about their trauma that sometimes helps you look in on yourself and start to be able to process your own issues

It's almost silly in concept, having to watch someone else hurt to realize oh! I cut my hand as well, I'm also bleeding, I'm also just,, hurting, as if you would've never noticed without seeing someone else react in pain

I think half of it is the reminder that life goes on during the hurt, during the pain and that's okay, you'll keep living

Thank you for sharing what you're going through, I know it's hard to be open at times

Thank you for just sharing your journey through it all

Thanks nonny.

I appreciate that and your kind words. It's honestly been a combination of pure anguish on my part in sharing and the desire to let others know:

A lot of us are hurting.

It's ok to hurt. It's part of the human experience.

I think it's foolish to think life is all beautiful all the time. If we didn't have the lows, would we appreciate the highs?

The only things I regret really are some of the sloppier posts where my words have been harsh toward K. My emotions have been a fucking mess and while I have always felt overriding care and love and concern for her, I've said some things in a brutal way that honestly aren't fair and not really my vibe.

The truth is when she first ghosted me I was ... so lost ... so hurt ... so confused ... and, in general, ghosting triggers self-doubt in the strongest people but for me ... well shit ... abandonment is my number one fear in relationships so ... I was filled with so much self-hatred and doubts and just "why did I hurt her?" "how did I hurt her?" "why do I suck so much?" kind of stuff.

It took four weeks of venting and some extremely kind souls walking me off that ledge (some of them got so much from me that I'm no longer welcome in their dm's - so embarrassing to me) to remind me of who I am. I am not perfect. But I did my best for her. And I knew she benefitted from our time together.

Which ... honestly ... made it even harder in some ways lol.

Because I *felt* she still loved me as much as I loved her so ... my little brain just couldn't understand why someone would leave what I thought was such a great, loving, special relationship.

Once I finally put my "I fucked up" fears to bed and realized that I did my best, I started wondering ... why *did* she leave? And then I saw her trauma and actually READ what she had been telling me. And that raised all sorts of other concerns. I missed her hurt on the first go around. That made me feel so shitty.

I became afraid for her.

My "daddy" / "protect my baby girl" / "save the woman I love" instincts were going in overdrive with no way to properly express them. Fucking sucked tbh. I lashed out. Reached out to her sister and sent her a snail mail to her work - a complete violation but I was so panicky to connect and make sure she was ok.

I regret those messages and am sorry I did them. I can see how that completely freaked her out further and did the opposite of what I wanted - to comfort her. :(

And ... it was none of my business as so many people told me. I just ... I ... couldn't ... process it. My fear for her was so loud in my head. I wasn't eating. Wasn't sleeping. I would wake up in a sweat thinking of her in trouble. Wake up crying with worry. Ugh.

Well shit ... look at me recap all of this ... I'm clearly still not fully through it ... but ... I do feel better these days.

In an act of courage (it might be more complicated on her end but this is what I see it as), she reached back out and gave me so many answers that were still driving me mad. My god ... the strength of character she showed in doing this is inspiring.

I will forever be grateful for that kindness she showed me with that act.

Plus it reconfirms my belief that she is going to have a great life - she challenges herself even when she's uncomfortable - she is not perfect - who is? - but she is working at improving.

NGL ... I've said it over and over ... and ... I ... am aware this might make her uncomfortable so I'm doing my best to not keep going on and on about it ... but ... yeah ... I still do love her ... and I care ... and I want her to have her best life ... and I forgive and forgive and forgive ... I don't want her for a second to beat herself up - I actively do NOT want that - it's a waste of her energy ... she can focus on healing her own stuff and not feel guilty or bad.

Fuck. That woman has had enough hurt for one lifetime. I sure as hell don't have any desire to add to it. Fuck no. That is the opposite of what I want for her!!! Live. Be happy. Respect yourself. Feel deserving. Feel loved. Feel wonderful. Heal. Have a wonderful full life filled with joy and contentment and love.

THAT is what I want for her. (not my business really ... I know this ... she is not "mine" to want things for ... she is her own person and has a handle on things)

She did a horrible thing to me and us. But that thing she did is not her. She is good and decent.

Good people do horrible things. I hope she internalizes that difference. She deserves to feel good about herself. She is a good person in so so so many ways.

She reacted in ways she learned to react as a kid when confronted with "a lot." I harbor no delusions. I am a lot lol - usually in very loving way but ... a lot of loving is still a lot!

Add that to the dom stuff I was pushing on her and ... all the other stuff she was facing ... I didn't give her room to breathe. I thought everything was open and honest but ... I have grown to realize that wasn't fair! I was her daddy, her dom, an authority figure ... it's hard to speak up and out to authority figures - especially if you love them.

So ... yeah ... she ran. A few times ... :(

But ... I don't blame her.

It hurt me but ... I don't blame her and I also forgive her. Do better do better do better - of course that's true and I know she doesn't feel good about things. She is sharp as hell and she's working on things like I'm working on things. I believe in her. I have faith in her.

(also true: it's no longer my business - but still ... I care I care I care and I want the best for her.)

She literally has NEVER let me down long-term. Just ... some ... horrible ... short-term ... pain ... lol

And even that pain? Good has come from it.

It has propelled me to work on my own shit and grow. So ... I straight up have gratitude there for the experience - as shitty as it was going through it.

LOL - you triggered a book, nonny.

Thanks for your kind words and I hope whatever struggles facing you or other readers are seen as growth opportunities and you can find peace with them.

[OFC ... I'm still working on my parental issues ... which ... are going to be ... something ... ugly. That's tomorrow's problem though lol]

[selchwife]

also ive been thinking about pfeilmet bc of emetwol week (NO SHIT HUH?) and i think. man. in some ways it is better than i always give it credit for now that ive really explored it in writing and in others it's SOOOOO much worse <3

like to his credit i think when they are together emet-selch tries to do "right" by pfeil, although the most right he could do by him is not date him in the first place bc he is AWARE it sets them both up for heartbreak and pfeil is under the impression it will potentially be okay. i think emet is kind of ambivalent on how much he accepts that; i think part of him understands that pfeil trusts him too much and part of him is like "i know this guy and he's not an idiot, so there's no way he sincerely thinks this will last forever with no complications" (he does because he is 23 and in love, asshole!!!!). so like in his own tsundere way he treats him nicely, spends time with him, listens to him talk about trauma stuff and is...i won't say he's not out of his depth but he cares and pfeil has had No One to talk to about it for years.

on the other hand, GOD, that rug pull at the end is just like...such a horrible thing to do to him, especially because emet knows it's coming (even if he doesn't want it to and kind of pretends something else might happen, because you know how emet-selch is). and pfeil is very much right to feel angry and confused and like emet doesn't love him and like emet is a terrible shitty person. my thoughts on it i guess are kind of like, it's the best possible thing for pfeil to be able to have that last conversation with emet and be told that yes, in fact, emet DID love him, and it's also the best possible thing for pfeil that emet is firmly in the past, so he can have space to cope with everything that happened between them.

i guess like, part of it is definitely because of circumstances out of their control, because the dynamic itself was like...not necessarily entirely healthy, but something that could have been worked through if it were some other universe where he and emet-selch were not on opposing sides of what was essentially a war. but that part definitely bumps it up to like, extremely toxic, and emet's betrayal of pfeil is like. just so bad, in its psychological impact on him. but pfeil is (probably too) forgiving and he really just wants to hear "i did at least care about you even if i absolutely fucked everything up beyond our wildest possible imaginings," and this is what he hears, so he can square it a lot better than if emet-selch hadn't loved him and was just yanking his chain.

[thegirlwiththestrangereality]

It All Began With the Backwards Hat

The day started like any day I've had recently. I didn't sleep well, I was asleep but my mind wandered all night to different timelines and different realities and yet none that were memorable. The only memorable aspect was feeling how complicated those worlds actually were, complicated for no other reason than the fact that *I* made them complicated. I woke up later than I really needed and I decided I would just throw a hat on. Normally when I throw my hat on at work it is for the sole purpose of remaining incognito; however, this was solely because I didn't wash my hair and it was looking oily. I left the house, ate my captain crunch while driving to work, and began my work day.

Work is very slow right now. There is no freight, and when there is no freight, it means overstaff. When we send the kids (associates, but I refer to them as my kids) to overstaff, it costs the building anyways, so there isn't a real need to care about hours, volume, nothing. They make us do pointless tasks that don't matter but it keeps them occupied. Now that I think about it, if you let the busy bees *think* long enough, they might realize they're NPCs. ANYWHO, so the day was already expected to be slow, and on these days I try to keep myself occupied so as to avoid thinking about how long my day actually is. Luckily for me I had to take an HR call regarding my sweet assistant manager, Kirstin. She has been bullied by several people for over a year now and finally took it upon herself to go to HR and make SHIT happen. They called to ask for my input as a witness and I shared the whole truth about her misfortune. Without a doubt he will be getting fired. Having such a birds eye view of the situation, I can see this is God's way of forcing him out, because I know he has settled, given up on life, and made Amazon his forever. And that is not where his story ends. He will think it's a bad thing, as we all do, but hopefully he sees it is for his benefit.

Right before this I got an email that I had won a scholarship to go to Washington D.C. for Latino Advocacy Week. I had applied a few weeks back not giving it much thought and would you look at God! It's an all expense paid trip, and fingers crossed this is the door into my new career.

After the first hour and a half of my day, my hat started to bother me. It often does because it makes my forehead itchy, but I can generally get through 3/4 of my day before this starts to really bother me. It started at 9:00am and I really was not about it. I couldn't see everything, my forehead itched, and I just wanted to cover my oily hair, so I did something I have never done at work, I put my hat backwards. I am not sure what this did or even why it did but it feels as though I entered a different reality.

Brandon came up to me and I believe we were continuing the conversation about NPCs and who they are and what they do. Brandon talked about the different layers of characters: main character, main side character, side character, non-killable NPCs, and NPCs. As we started talking, it became very apparent how much of a simulation we are actually in. It seemed as though I was on the verge of exiting the matrix. But what is on the other side? Is there another side?

Our conversation was interrupted and I went up to the front of the building for unimportant work stuff, when my sister called me. I went into the new 2 person zen booth my building had installed and took her call. She told me about the dream she had of a woman who was brutally killing everything and everyone after she had been sexually abused. We talked for about an hour and basically came to the realization Alyssa had traveled through the timelines and came to the source of her trauma in a dream. We discovered that she is the creator of her own trauma, but aren't we all? I could go into detail of how that realization came to be but that is a story for another time. I talked to her for about an hour, bouncing from her, to my dad, to my mom, to my papa and then to me and back to her. After my conversation with my sister, I walked back to the floor and continued my conversation about the hierarchy of characters with Brandon and suprisingly Joe.

As Brandon and I started talking again, Joe also happened to be there. I have always been the type to only discuss in deep conversations with those I've felt comfortable with. And by comfortable I mean allowing my intuition to decide who's drinking the spiritual juice and who isn't. However, Joe has always been a special one. I knew when he first got to my job, I would have to be his friend. He desperately craved companionship and yet the desperation completely turned me off from him. And yet, there was something special about him. I did not know what, but there were moments I found myself thinking about him differently.

As the conversation developed, Joe talked about how he was a side character, but a side character that knew exactly who he was. He lived out of the matrix in a way that allowed him to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time. He lived in such a way that allowed him to fly under the radar and yet also exist in a brilliant way. So to the world he was just Joe, and yet all of a sudden i could see Joe. I kid you not, I saw exactly what I knew always existed, this confidence, this authenticity, this knowing of self. And THAT right there people is what lights me up. Joe talked about life as a side character and how it allowed him to exist so freely. We talked about how his life is better that he is not the main character because he is able to get so much more done. We talked about how he is everywhere and he is nowhere and how he can enjoy life without having to be so involved. He said he doesn't mind being a side character because he finds other things to keep him busy. But the moral of the story is he is aware but not disconnected. So basically, Joe is Joe.

The day continues and by this point 2 people have said, Alexa I didn't recognize you, I thought we got a new manager. This made me question how this was possible but it made me wonder, if I challenge the perception people have of me just enough, does this allow me to challenge the matrix and see people differently and reach those I wouldn't normally have these discussions with? Or could it just be something in the air the Universe was carrying throughout the collective?

I found myself everywhere and nowhere all day but it wasn't until I entered back into the 2 person zen booth for my 1:1 with Mona that I finally entered back into the matrix. I took care of some more work stuff and was brought back to reality. As much as I tried to go back in, it was as though God had said that is enough for one day. I challenged it time and time again, but the conversation continued to be interrupted for anything other than work talk. LOL I guess if you spend your day high you have to come back down at some point. For the record I was high on life. :)

By the time my day was complete 5 people had no clue who I was with my backwards hat and it was the most fun I had had at work in a while. I think what this is trying to teach me is that in my next career journey, the matrix will be even stronger but it is up to me to live within the timelines and recognize where I end and where the work begins. I don't share this depth with many people, mostly out of fear of looking strange, but that is what I am here for: to sound strange, to challenge the collective, and help them see the world as it is for me, and how it could be for you. Until next time.

[pink-lemonade-showers]

i guess i wish i didn't feel so alone, you know? i dont consider myself a system because its just...complicated, it doesnt seem like it's that way, but it feels so out of my control that calling them imaginary friends feels disingenuous (besides, one of them really hates being called that anyway...)

besides that, i really dont have anybody to talk to about this, not very close people or in a way that i dont feel like im "trauma dumping" in a way. i guess i just wish i could be more open, but i feel like i can't.

i feel envious. i have other friends who are plural, who have friend groups with other plural people and can talk to them about this stuff. when they're feeling scared or confused with what's happening to them, they can easily bring it up without having to feel dumb or anxious. and just the little things, too, like sharing experiences, being able to relate to one another...i worry i won't ever really get to have that.

a part of that is on me. i'm not brave enough to reach out. i feel like i'm too different. which in and of itself makes me feel awful. you always see those posts that are like, "oh you're faking it so you can be different and cool." and "people make up new disorders so they can be different" but i dont fucking want to be different!!! god i'd give anything to be "normal". i dont WANT people to think i'm not identifying as a system because im too "cool" to, i just legit don't think that's what's happening, and it doesn't make me more cool or different, and i don't want it to, if anything it makes me MORE stressed because I don't know how to find people who are experiencing what I'm experiencing, and that's scary.

it's just ughhh. not having a proper support network sucks. kaoru, one of the people in my head, tells me not to worry about this shit and that it's nobody else business but my own, but i don't think he understands how emotionally taxing it is, too. like it or not, humans crave understanding and acceptance, and i don't really get that if i'm kind of forever like this.

[vriskadyke]

anyone ever think about how the bad kids all started out with like, no friends

like gorgug canonically didnt have any friends pre-bad kids, riz's only friendship was his fuckin babysitter, kristen might have known people also in the cult but let me tell you, friends you have when you're as trapped as she was Do Not Count, adaine DEFINITELY didnt have friends, fabian's 'friendships'- if he had any- were all most likely not genuine at all- and fig lost all her friends when her horns came in

and then you think about how they all had some kind of trauma or psychological issue coming into their friendship, especially regarding their home lives

fabian's mom was an alcoholic. bill cares a lot about his son but sophomore year makes it very clear just how much his expectations, intentional or not, fucked up fabian, and how bill's expressions of love arent exactly... healthy. like, to me i'd probably place fabian's issue as being closest to parental neglect- yes, both hallariel and bill were present and loved him, but bill especially started out not loving him as an Actual Person ("i thought you were just going to be me. a way for me to live forever"). actually the entirety of family in flames really shows this- bill was not a good parent, and it Really Messed fabian up. hell, bill physically assaults fabian at one point and calls him soft. while fabian is in jail. bill is the root of his issues with toxic masculinity

we know adaine is an abuse and neglect victim, so that goes without saying

i am firmly in the camp that sandra lynn was a good parent to fig (yes, she fucks up during sophomore year, but i think that was Very Complicated and not something she ever intended for fig to have to deal with). but gilear was not a good parent to her. i will point to the very first episode on this. fig says "the look on his face when my horns started growing in didn't look a lot like love". in a later conversation in the same ep, gilear says "i know i said some hurtful things when i first found out". fig fires back with "yeah, you said 'you're no longer a faeth', and guess what, i'm not. i'm just fig now"

and god, how much that must have fucked her up. especially since canonically fig lost all her friends during this time period. How much that must have hurt. i firmly believe that fig's behavior during season 1 re: trying to find her dad is a product of the fact that gilear said that. "i'm not your daughter anymore? fine, ill find a dad who does want me". not to mention that she feels GUILTY for being the product of an affair. she says that she's "the living embodiment of someone betraying gilear". thats so fucking sad. and couple all this with the loss of her friends, a double puberty- tiefling *and* normal (i hc fig as a trans girl so this is especially gutwrenching for her)- and that's enough to fuck up Anyone

sklonda was a wonderful parent to riz and so was pok- i love them both- but just because they were both great parents doesn't mean there's not trauma from the loss of a parent, especially since riz is so young, and he had so little closure. remember, all he knew was that his dad died in a shipwreck. plus, his only friend goes missing and so do a bunch of other girls and he has no answers about what happened. and maybe it's not trauma, but the combination of these two things is definitely a huge emotional weight on him, especially before he met the bad kids!!

and gorgug- like i said, he had no friends growing up. i don't think i can fully explain how much it hurts to have no sympathetic peers growing up- and i had some friends, even if they weren't always the best of friends and even if i couldn't talk to them about everything. gorgug had absolutely no one. not to mention the fact that he grows up in a community where no one looks like him- and wilma and digby were absolutely great parents (the world if all parents were like wilma and digby.....) but that doesn't change the fact that there was a huge gap between him and the rest of the people who surrounded him. and how sad and lonely that must have been. how utterly full of despair

kristen. kristen applebees. i think people forget that her home life wasn't just ultra-religious but a full on fucking cult. she had probably never met anyone outside the cult before going to the academy. the reason she was even allowed to go was probably because coach daybreak worked there and would keep an eye on her. and kristen's a lesbian. and it's canonical that she's a lesbian, yes, but also that the cult was explicitly very homophobic. i firmly, adamantly believe that there was a whole journey between season 1 and 2 where kristen had to grapple with that. tracker brought her to lgbt parties and kristen literally hid in the bathroom because it was so fucking alien and scary to her. 

how full of fear she must have been growing up, expressing herself and immediately being told that it's a sin in the eyes of helio. ESPECIALLY because she was the fucking chosen of helio. she was their pinnacle, the embodiment of everything they stood for. there's so many things that the cult probably did that kristen didn't even bat an eyelid at. the scene in dishing with a demon where she's talking about the harvest festival, kristen talks about adults torturing children with sleep deprivation as if she's talking about a cool summer class she took. gorthalax talks about the harvestmen and kristen doesn't think about cultists in robes hurting people, she thinks of corn ears and pop quizzes and her parents. 

these kids were all so fucked up prior to meeting each other. and yknow what. i think that might be why they all ended up being so close. there's a certain recognition that kids who have Gone Through Shit have for one another. especially if you fight a demon corn glob butthole together.

[umbran6]

The Argument Against Caleo

Spoilers up to Blood of Olympus and beyond. Beware! (Or not, the book series has been out for a few years, get over it). I wrote this after seeing a user wondering why people didn’t like Caleo, or in some cases, hated it. Here, I want to explain the answer as much as possible while doling out my own points. 

One of the main grievances I have as a fan of Leo Valdez would be the ship Caleo, or Leo x Calypso. It’s a complicated ship, to say the least, with multiple issues that make me question why people like the ship. And I admit it, they initially had some chemistry, but there’s multiple issues that Uncle Rick produced through making such a relationship that makes it extremely open to criticism, criticism which I will explain through this post.

One of my main points against them is that the ship was created on a very limited time scale. Although we aren’t given an exact date to date of when Leo and Calypso met to when they fell in love, we can safely estimate it to be a week at best. Such a limited amount of time from going through the multiple stages of a relationship already stresses the limits of the suspension of disbelief.

A counterexample would be Percabeth, or Percy x Annabeth. Throughout the series, we aren’t introduced to them being romantically involved until the Titan’s Curse, which was two years after they met. Specifically, this is brought up by Aphrodite, the goddess of love herself. Admittedly, Percy and Annabeth were twelve years old when they first met, when romance was definitely out of the picture, especially with a quest to get the Master Bolt.

However, from there we get to see multiple examples of their character depth, ranging from their respective fatal flaws to their ambitions, hopes and dreams, and their friendship. We get to see the slow build up of their chemistry, which was a really good writing move on Uncle Rick’s part. These characters took their sweet time to get to where they wanted to go, and despite the false romantic lead of Rachel, they still got together.

On the other hand, we don’t see enough of this between Leo and Calypso — we only see one book where they interacted with each other in The House of Hades, and that was only for a handful of chapters. While they are definitely older so they can jump straight to romance (some may say too old, but I’ll get to that) its still a pretty huge gap to jump through without making it stick. This makes it hard to root for a ship when it is built on a rather faulty foundation from the ‘they just met’ to ‘they get together’, especially when they don’t have a lot of events to show their chemistry.

Which brings me to Ogygia, which has raised a few red flags for me when looking at it from a retrospective point of view. Now, we know what the main issue of the island is that the hero who landed on said island can’t leave until Calypso falls in love with them. And we’ve seen this with Percy during the Battle of the Labyrinth, where he lands in the island and Calypso falls in love with him while tending to his wounds from, you know, being erupted from freaking Mt. St. Helens. Needless to say, this falling in love with each other montage happened quickly to the point of suspicion, which sets up the complication that Calypso and Leo might have fallen in love due to magical intervention.

And hear me out, because although this  might be a pretty big pill to swallow, we have evidence for this through Percy. It only takes one chapter for Calypso and Percy to meet, and the next he’s willing to consider leaving Camp Half-Blood and Annabeth behind to live on the island when Hephaestus gives him the choice to leave Ogygia or stay. We don’t even get an explanation on why Percy considered giving it all up just so he can be with her. All we know is, girl meets boy, now they want to live on an isolated island forever. It’s especially absurd considering Percy’s hamartia (fatal flaw) is freaking loyalty to those he loves.  Needless to say, It’s a huge YIKES, especially when we apply it to Leo and Calypso. 

It also raises the possibility that the romantic relationship between them is doomed to failure. And if you guys want to fight me on this, let’s look at Jason and Piper, a couple whose relationship started with a similar foundation. Piper had romantic memories implanted into her brain by Hera through the use of the Mist, while Jason was reduced to a Tabula Rasa (a blank slate for those who lack culture) by said goddess. They broke up before the Trials of Apollo because it was clear that when the dust settled, Piper had been aware that their romance was a lie and that their intentions to stay together was a mix of delusion and pressure from freaking Aphrodite. Leo and Calypso get together under what is arguably a very similar set of conditions if Ogygia’s magic had any influence on their relationship, and that this magic could wear off if given enough time. 

Third, and here’s a pretty big one for me, would be Calypso’s character, mainly because there are a lot of unfortunate implications attached to it. In The Blood of Olympus, she was turned into the divine equivalent of Princess Peach, with Leo being her Mario (except he saves her with a badass metal dragon). Its extremely unnecessary to make a character, especially as one such as Calypso, get  turned into the typical reward of a B-Class action movie. It’s insulting and puts her up as a trophy, a narrative that is definitely not ok by any means necessary.

In another direction, Calypso is also really, really worrying when things don’t go get her way. First, let’s look at The Odyssey, the first myth she pops up. Calypso had imprisoned Odysseus for ten years on her island until Hermes said to let him go, and although it gives them plenty of time to fall in love, it also raises the implications of stockholm syndrome. Then we’ve got the fact that Calypso cursed Annabeth out of spite, implicitly saying that she wished the daughter of Athena would suffer the same isolation that she did, which came to reality when Percy and Annabeth met the Arai in Tartarus. And Annabeth wasn’t even aware that she was still in Ogygia, much less intentionally intervened in the matter. When Percy left Ogygia, rather than be angry at Percy, Calypso cursed Annabeth out of all people to suffer the same loneliness and misery she went through. That’s some Hera at her worst levels of spite. 

Through such evidence we can see that Calypso is extremely wrathful towards those who break her heart even though they don’t want to. It certainly implies that Calypso isn’t in a good state of mind, and could easily repeat said actions if provoked. We could almost compare it to Medea and the original Jason, but at least in that case, Medea has every right to be pissed off at Jason and take her revenge. Calypso’s curse and how she handles things certainly implies a level of immaturity that would end in disaster if they broke up.

One issue that, I’ll admit is more from my personal point of view is that the ship took a lot of Leo’s character and threw it in the garbage in Blood of Olympus. Though we see him do a lot of stuff behind the scenes, the fact that its all for the goal of reaching Calypso just reduced him to someone who is more focused on love than, you know, fighting the evil goddess that was responsible for killing his mom and getting sweet sweet revenge. While the revenge plot can be cliched sometimes, it can be played well, while romance and the typical ‘always save the girl’ trope is just overdone. If Leo had been allowed to, you know, be more focused on other things rather than Calypso, we could have seen a lot more variety in his character.

For example as one of the possible character arcs he could’ve gone through, Leo has always been alone among the couples, often being isolated. Heck, Nemesis herself stated that he would always be the seventh wheel, and that he would never find a place among his brethren. Though some fellow tumblr users have taken this in multiple ways, either saying that he should learn to be happy by himself or that he is socially isolated in the Argo II because of these romantic relationships (I prefer a mix of both). Uncle Rick just giving him a girlfriend seems like taking the easy way out of solving such an issue and abandoning what could’ve been a rather interesting character arc. The relationship isn’t a bad thing if we remove some of the unfortunate implications, but it is a bad way to end what is a complex and realistic problem for a character and in some cases maybe possible in real life.

One more minor but still yikes worthy point is that there’s a huge age gap between them. We’re not talking about the ‘Hazel is 15 and Frank is 17 and in one year that’ll be a problem because then Hazel will be jailbait’ age gap. And even then, we can argue that Hazel is older since she is chronologically ninety-one years old. No, Calypso is older by millennia in terms of mindset and body due to the perks of being a goddess, while Leo is sixteen.

God-to-Mortal relationships are already complicated, even with emotionally and socially well-functioning adults. The fact that Leo is underage, inexperienced with romance (despite his flirting, Calypso was his first kiss), and has been through a freaking ton of trauma in his youth, does not make this okay. At best, they’re both mutually interested in each other but may have different expectations when it comes to a relationship. At worst, Calypso is taking advantage of a boy just so she can get out of Ogygia and possibly dumping him later on like the wrapping of a candy bar. Even though Calypso lost her immortality during The Trials of Apollo, that doesn’t even compensate for the immense age gap alongside Leo’s guilt at the possibility that he might’ve been responsible for her losing said immortality.

Oh, and about Leo... I’m a fan of him, but I can admit that he is in a bad spot both mentally and emotionally throughout the series. He’s lost his mom due to a mix of his own powers and Gaea’s trickery, and never had the chance to fully process that event and come to terms with it. The foster home system alongside his own trauma has forced him to hide his emotions through a façade of happiness and jokes when it’s quite clear to me he needs a therapist, stat. He's also run away from several foster homes, implying this means he was and still is being affected by the event. His mask is still on during The Blood of Olympus considering he hid a lot of things from Piper and Jason.

Speaking about them, not helping this matter is the fact that he’s rather isolated in terms of friendships since Jason and Piper, his supposed best friends are more interested in locking lip rather than, you know, actually hanging out with each other.  He doesn’t have good friendships with the rest of the Seven, and the closest ones he does have is with Hazel and Frank. And even then they start off in the wrong spot since Frank is very insecure about possibly losing Hazel to him during Mark of Athena while Hazel in the meantime, is also dealing with the fact that he is the descendant of her possible boyfriend Sammy Valdez. 

This could indirectly have made him desperate for affection since he has nobody else to confide in during the rest of the series, which is a bad mental state to be in when one lands on Ogygia, the island that we’ve seen could possibly force two people to fall in love with each other. A romantic relationship is not something that he needs or something that will help him in the future. He needs more than that, and having him in one that could end in disaster is the last thing he needs. 

And that does not make him a bad person, much less a bad character. While some who are similarly emotionally and socially isolated may turn to violence or creepy behavior on those they want affection from, Leo does not do that to the other characters. It just means that he as a character needs more time to recover and develop before we go giving him romantic relationships, much less one with Calypso.

That’s not to say that they don’t have some things in common. Both are starved for love and affection, with Calypso being constantly rejected by heroes while Leo was rejected by foster homes and his own family. It’s a trait that they have in common, but it shouldn’t be the only thing that they have in common, especially since it is laced with a trauma that is clear they haven’t had help processing. They need to develop more as characters and as friends before they should be paired together.

So… yeah. The Caleo relationship is, in my eyes, doomed to failure, or at least heavily flawed after taking the above points into account. Uncle Rick, as if seemingly aware of these criticisms, has put the relationship in a rocky place by The Tower of Nero, giving them the possibility of overcoming the above criticisms and their own flaws, or giving fanfic writers an out and pairing Leo with another character or have him single, but happy. Either way, in my opinion Caleo is a bad ship when it comes to how it was created, alongside the flaws and unfortunate implications it has.

While I can see some of the chemistry the ship has, you can’t just use a couple of moments where they get along as evidence that they belong together, especially with the above reasons. That’s like using a band-aid to cover a bullet hole without removing the bullet, stopping the bleeding, and preventing infection. If both characters and their relationship had been given more time to develop, I would understand how they would get together. 

[wallwriterstuff]

The Good I Come Home To ||Leon S. Kennedy x Female!Reader|| Part 1

Warnings: Angsty, PTSD Leon being very jumpy and shell-shocked, mentions of sex. 

Words: 3318

Summary: Originally posted to my Archive of Our Own Account. 

Part 2 can be found here

Leon has kept it very casual with you for months, seemingly oblivious of the growing feelings you harbour. You have no idea just how badly it hurts him to leave you every time until he tries to cut you out of his life completely. You have other ideas. You just have to persuade Leon they're the right ones.

Leon S. Kennedy was a complicated man in many respects, but it was easy to unravel all those complex layers if you started looking at his core values, his sense of purpose. To serve, to protect. Leon was built to be the bodyguard of humanity, the first line of defence between unimaginable horror and the things he loved. Every experience had moulded him into this hard shell of a man, so far from the one people used to know. It had been interesting, really, to see an old friend from the Police Academy approach him and see just how different they had turned out. They both had the eyes of experience anybody in the force acquired over time, but Leon’s were sterner, like an unbreakable stone as opposed to ice you could chip away at and eventually shatter. This old friend of his had a small-town job and apple pie life. He had the white picket fence and the wife who kissed him when he came home to freshly made dinner. His children were doing well at school.

Leon had listened like his life was a whole other world away. It was visible in his eyes, though he carefully kept it off his face, that the comparison between each man actually disturbed him. You hadn’t meant to see of course. It was pure coincidence you’d happened to be in the supermarket, walking down that same aisle. His old friend had hit the barricade you so often hit when you asked. You’d stopped questioning it after a few months of back and forth and the looming threat of losing him became a dark and unbearable burden.

“So er, heard about the huge explosion at Raccoon. Where’d they place you after that?”

“Nowhere. I work for the government now.”

“Oh damn. FBI?”

“Something like that.”

His job was the complicated topic. Classified and bad enough to put a certain brand of darkness behind his eyes when you asked, it was  best left untouched by your hands because it was hidden beneath the many layers of the man you’d only ever been allowed to scratch the surface of – literally and figuratively. Beyond his core values, the simplicity of Leon S. Kennedy lay in his needs. He was a flesh and blood man after all. He was guaranteed to need to eat, to do laundry, to shower, to relieve himself. These simple needs were what made him somewhat predictable to you. On his best days, when he text you days or hours before, you were almost guaranteed to be wined and dined. Okay so the wine and dine option was sometimes more like beer and take-out pizza but it was always paid for by him if you bought the alcohol.

When he was feeling a little less than okay, you’d get no outright statement of his desire to see you, but he’d hedge around the topic and wait for you to ask him, like he was afraid to be a nuisance. You’d only get this awkward and prompting behaviour from him an hour or two before he showed up which left you little time to prepare, but a quick shower was always on the cards. In his worst moments, he’d give no warning and simply show up at your house with smouldering eyes that demanded your attention and everything else you had to give him. God help you, you always gave him everything. As simple as his needs were, as his feelings on the matter appeared, yours were much more complicated. Leon S. Kennedy had made it clear from the start when he met you at the bar that fateful night, all chiselled jaw and playful eyes, that nothing serious was to come of this.

It had progressed to a proper agreement when you both seemed to just keep running into each other. You were free to date, if you so pleased, and he’d stop showing up. He’d be gone like dust in the wind, untraceable and impossible to bring back. You didn’t want that. Until the day either of you became tied down you had agreed you were exclusive. You sated each other only. It was hard to keep to that promise all the time when he was away for long periods, but you remained true to your word anyway, and that was how it had stayed for a solid eight months. Leon came back to a bed you kept free just for him and left in the morning like it was no more than a pit-stop on a long and winding road.

You suspected he wasn’t proud of it. You thought sometimes you could see something softer in his eyes, something that made you think he wished for something more than he was already giving you. There were moments his eyes lingered when he said goodbye, times his hands stayed on you a little longer than they usually did. On rare occasions, when he was just a bit too drunk after what you guessed was a bad job, you let him sleep it off with his arms around you and listened to the whimpers in his sleep with an aching heart. Leon consistently let you have his body, gave you the briefest glimpses at the big heart he held so carefully hidden away, but never once did he let you into his mind. As much as you loved being with him, you had never truly been with him at all. You’d never truly connected with him beyond anything physical. It pained you to know you never would. You cared for him too much. You saw the deep pain he carried with him everywhere, and you’d never be able to alleviate that load because he wouldn’t let you.

You had to pause the TV to be sure you’d actually heard anything at all, but when you heard the noise again it was stronger, bolder. Knocking. Glancing at the clock, you turned the TV off with a frown. There weren’t many people who would come knocking at this late hour, and you didn’t know if your heart was in it tonight to let him in when he would forever keep you out. As if on cue, when you opened the door to a dripping wet Leon, thunder rumbled and rattled the open window in the corridor of your apartment block. A small puddle of water had formed on the windowsill, dripping in as the harsh rain battered the glass. Leaving your door propped with the door stop you kept nearby for moments like these, you crossed to the window to close it and lock out the weather. You felt sullen enough without the storm clouds invading your house.

“Leon if you’re here to drink that’s okay but I’m not really up for-“ you cut yourself off, uncertain all of a sudden as to what it was he was here for. His needs were always so simple, the looks and actions associated with them something you had come to learn to recognise without much conscious thought. This was entirely new. Those piercing blue eyes were sullen, fighting between being as hard as sapphire and as soft as calm ocean waves. What was frightening was the depth of the ocean you saw. It was like staring into an abyss of torment. Red-ringed and with whisky on his breath, it didn’t take a genius to realise Leon had been crying and was in fairly bad shape. Hair soaked and plastered to his forehead, he stared at you through those horribly complex eyes, his mouth half open like he wanted to say something but couldn’t force the words out. He was pale, breaths even but heavy, like he had to physically remind himself to huff out each one.

Wordlessly, you took him by the hand. His skin was freezing to the touch and you guessed the faithful jacket had done little to keep the bitter cold from seeping into his exposed skin. Your theory was proven right when his cheeks were just as cold to the touch.

“I…” you thought he might say more but it was like watching a caveman learn to talk. There were only sounds, no words. He was usually very skilful with his tongue but tonight those talents were nowhere to be found. Pushing his jacket from his shoulders you hung it to dry over the back of your sofa, hoping the radiator would do its job and leave it toasty for him when he inevitably put it on to leave you again. You ignored the stinging in your chest at the thought. Leon didn’t need you to be petty right now. Truthfully, you were frightened. Leon’s carefully constructed composure had been shattered by something and you didn’t think you wanted to know what was strong enough to shatter this man’s rock hard exterior and cut him so deeply. He stood dumbly in your hallway, and you gently pushed him to the edge of the sofa to take off his shoes so they wouldn’t traipse water into your home.

“Shhh Leon, just come with me.” You coaxed him back onto socked feet, leading him down the hall to your bathroom.

“No…no Y/N I, I don’t…” he swallowed.

“Do you trust me Leon?” you asked him, keeping your voice gentle like you were cajoling a wild animal into eating from your palm. Leon nodded without question and you smiled slightly. “Then just follow for me now.” You kicked open your door and led him to the edge of the tub, grabbing a towel from the shelving units there and placing it on the sink.

“What are you doing?” he could barely speak above a whisper, looking confused and upset and lost all at once.

“I’m going to run you a nice hot bath before you catch your death. I don’t know how long you were in the rain for Leon but you’re frozen to the bone.” You said calmly, putting the plug in the tub and turning on the tap for the hot water. Leon didn’t answer, merely watched you with the eyes of a man so lost in trauma he couldn’t find his way back to the surface world and make sense of the happenings around him. While you waited for the water to turn steamy, you rubbed at his hair with the towel in your hand to dry it. You knew something was incredibly wrong when he let you mess it up like that. There were very few instances you were allowed to touch his hair and you had to always, always comb it back into place or suffer the consequences. Occasionally, you took a break to fill the tub with some of your prized bath oils. Lavender, camomile, jasmine, all your favourite scents from a beautiful kit a colleague had bought you as part of secret Santa last year.

He didn’t comment as the room filled with intoxicating, relaxing scents, nor when you checked the temperature again and told him he could get in when he was ready. He held the towel in both hands, staring at the cotton as if it might hold some answers.

“Thank you.” He mumbled. You nodded once.

“Have you eaten anything yet?” you asked him. He nodded once, but he didn’t meet your gaze. He was lying you were sure. “Okay. Take as long as you need in here, I’ll be about when you feel ready to see me alright?” you promised, leaning up to kiss his cheek softly. Your lips lingered a little too long, but Leon didn’t move away. He closed his eyes as if the contact was all he had wanted and more. As the door closed behind you you heard the soft, muffled sob he tried so hard to bury in the towel, and your heart broke a little more. Something had shattered Leon S. Kennedy and it didn’t sit well with you at all to see him this vulnerable. He needed the space right now to get his mind back in order but once he did, when he was ready to face you, you weren’t sure you’d get an explanation from him. He’d shut down every time you’d ever asked for one before.

He’d woken screaming one night, lashing out so violently that if you had been sat upright there’d have been no way to avoid his fist and he’d have knocked you out cold. When you tried to ask what was wrong, he’d simply snapped at you to leave him be and left your apartment so fast there could have been a fire under his ass. So, what did you do? Did you just not even try? He hadn’t made a move on you, had specifically said no when he saw you heading in the direction of the bedroom. But if he wasn’t here for sex what was he here for? It only added to your anxiety that you really had no clue what he wanted if it wasn’t your body he’d come for, and though part of you thought that should make you angry, another part of you hoped that that meant it was something more that he was after this time. The kind of more you wanted.

No. You had to try for him. You couldn’t let him go on like this. He didn’t have to fight the war in his head alone, not when you were here. At least, if he wanted to go it alone, he could have someone stable waiting with a safety net if he stumbled. For now you’d let him linger and soak in the tub, and you’d make the most out of the ingredients you had in the fridge. If he stayed, he could eat it off a plate. If he didn’t…well, you’d make some in a container in case. Pasta bake had always been your father’s speciality and it had been your favourite as a child, was still your comfort food now. Chicken and bacon sizzled, pasta boiled, and you grated the cheese to the rhythm of your favourite song playing softly on the radio while the milk and butter warmed on the stove. You snagged a piece of bacon from the wok and let the salty flavour burn your tongue.

With your masterpiece constructed and more cheese grated on top, you slid the dish into the oven for it to crisp up and set your timer, setting about washing the utensils next. It kept your hands busy, kept your mind from wandering too much, but even the sudsy water couldn’t quite keep your mind from ticking over. Why had Leon come here in the pouring rain? What had spooked him so badly he’d thought, in his less than coherent state, that he needed to be here in your apartment? Did the fact he’d come to you mean anything at all or did he just happen to be nearby? You put the saucepan a little harder than necessary into the rack when it slipped from your hands, jumping and cursing to yourself at the loud clang it had made.

“Y/N!” Leon almost roared your name in pure, abject terror. Eyes wide you rushed for the bathroom, hands still soapy and dripping water. He was already out of the bathtub, naked and scrambling through his jacket until he came up with a gun of all things, aimed right at you as you burst through the door. A shriek escaped you and you immediately dropped to the floor, hands above your head.

“Leon it’s me!” you begged. Harsh breathing filled the room.

“Where is it?” he demanded. You peeked up at him from below your arms, lowering them slowly. He was half-crouched, eyes wild and fixated on the door that led back to your room. He offered you a hand. “Come on, get up and get behind me, where is it?” he repeated the question more firmly now.

“Where’s what? Leon I – there’s only us here. I just dropped a saucepan.” You breathed. His expression faltered, confusion flooding his features first , then guilt, and finally grief. His eyes closed and he inhaled deeply, held it, exhaled slowly. He lowered his gun after a few more deep breaths.

“I’m sorry.” He said, looking a little like a kicked puppy. You shook your head, slowly pushing to your feet so as not to startle him. His skin was tinged pink, little suds clinging to the ends of his hair. The timer went off in the kitchen and Leon flinched again, hand tensing around the gun. You soothingly placed your hand on his arm.

“It’s just the timer. We’re the only people here Leon, nothing’s going to hurt us. How’s about you dry off and come have something to eat?” you suggested. He blanched at the mention of food and you frowned. “You don’t have to eat everything, just a little bit, you look really pale.” You reached for the towel and held it out to him until he reluctantly nodded and wrapped it around his waist. You left the door slightly ajar and headed for the kitchen to switch off the damn timer. He was so jumpy, so eager to jump to your defence. You plated up a small portion, not wanting to put him off with a large one. You didn’t feel particularly hungry yourself but you’d had a proper meal earlier in the evening, a cup of tea would suffice, camomile and honey would soothe your nerves. Leon had a liking for peppermint you knew. Maybe if he was nauseous that would help him eat? Tea and pasta bake served you sat opposite his place, one hand wrapped around the handle of your mug and the other pulled up to your mouth, your teeth nibbling the side of your nail.

“You’ll make your thumb sore.” He lingered in the doorway like he wasn’t sure if he should sit down or run away. You dropped your hand and placed a more welcoming smile on your lips, nodding to the plate.

“Chicken and bacon pasta bake. It’s good.” You invited. Hesitantly, Leon shuffled to the chair and sat down. You didn’t push him to talk. Months of being with Leon had assured you that pushing would only clam him up further, and you wanted to pry him open tonight. With a sinking feeling, you realised it might be the last night you ever saw him. He’d let himself be extremely vulnerable to you already and you weren’t the type of person to see this kind of trauma and let it go unchecked. You’d want to check in on him, you’d want to help him feel better, and Leon didn’t appreciate the questions you’d have to ask to get the kind of help he needed right. He sighed slightly, picking up the fork and taking a small bite. He looked physically sick for the first few mouthfuls, and you made an effort to distract him with small talk about the weather, your day and all its mundane happenings.

He seemed enraptured by your very voice, soaking in every syllable that crossed your lips and mindlessly working his arm and mouth to clear the plate and drain the mug in front of him.

“Can I have a bit more? It’s really good.” He surprised you with his request but you obliged him, spooning some more on his plate.

“If you’re that partial to it you can take some home to.” You said simply. He nodded once, clearing the second portion with ease and looking much better for it. The colour had returned to his cheeks and he looked a little more put together than before. You settled back in your chair, watched him clean his plate and put it in the drying rack. It was a courtesy you’d never have asked for but were grateful for nonetheless. He didn’t turn around though, keeping his back to you and tightening his grip on the countertop.

[theartofdreaming1]

Slightly paraphrased, but Peeta talking about that moment he developed his crush on Katniss is just too sweet 😊

As usual, my thoughts regarding this week’s prompts and random thoughts on chapters 22-24 are below the cut (sprinkled in some psychology thoughts again).

heart

Honestly, I think the people in Panem would perceive the whole everlark storyline the same way we perceive and react to our ships on tv (desperately wanting to reach through the screen, shoving the characters forcefully together, screaming “And now, kiss!”); especially the Capitolites who barely recognize the tributes (or people in the districts, in general) as people. The people in the districts would definitely view the whole thing more under a “reality tv” kind of lens, questioning how much of the relationship is real or not (we know that Finnick certainly thought that the entire thing was just a spiel, until Peeta hit that forcefield). The time spent in the cave must have been pretty convincing, though.

mind

I think that Katniss is still torn here - On the one hand, she kind of wants to believe that Peeta is actually into her (remember the happiness she felt when Peeta told her how his crush on her began, and it all added up and seemed so real), but on the other hand she’s terrified of that possibility because A) lingering trauma from her mom’s depression in response the Mr. Everdeen’s death, B) Katniss never even considered falling in love, so that’s a sudden unexpected thing to deal with, and C) maybe it’s just for the sake of the Games; and wouldn’t that hurt, getting your hopes up only to learn it was only for show? (How about we ask Peeta about that?)

soul

Yeah, that quote about Peeta only eating stale bread also struck me as quite sad. It just further adds to his understanding how there should be more to life than just survival, though. (One day, I’ll make that post about Peeta, Katniss, and Maslow’s pyramid of needs, I swear! I’ve already gathered some research material)

Chapter 22

My mother’s hand strokes my cheek and I don’t push it away as I would in wakefulness, never wanting her to know how much I crave that gentle touch. How much I miss her even though I still don’t trust her. - Ugh, I can’t... Katniss misses her mom, misses being cared for😢 I’m so glad we’re going to see her patch up her relationship with her mom in CF... On a different note, Katniss craving that gentle touch just perfectly illustrates why she’s so drawn to Peeta, who is generally such a gentle soul (I mean, he’s literally the person stroking her cheek here 😊)

He [Peeta] doesn’t seem angry about my tricking him, drugging him, and running off to the feast. Maybe I’m just too beat-up and I’ll hear about it later when I’m stronger. But for the moment, he’s all gentleness. - As I was saying... 😉

“I’ll go hunting soon,” I say. “Not too soon, all right?” he says. “You just let me take care of you for a while.” - I love them so much😊🥰 And then Peeta makes sure she’s well-fed and hydrated, he rubs her cold feet and tucks her into the sleeping back... and she let’s him! 💗

“He [Thresh] let you go because he didn’t want to owe you anything?” asks Peeta in disbelief. “Yes. I don’t expect you to understand it. You’ve always had enough. But if you’d lived in the Seam, I wouldn’t have to explain,” I say. “And don’t try. Obviously I’m too dim to get it,” he says. - Oof. This exchange here is interesting in many ways: 1) it highlights their different experiences, tied to their different socioeconomic backgrounds, basically, and 2)  that Katniss is very much aware of this difference, but we also see hints of her own ignorance here - because Peeta didn’t have to starve in his childhood, she thinks that he can’t possibly understand this level of hardship; but there are other ways in which one can suffer/lack fundamental needs, which brings us to 3) Peeta’s response about being “obviously too dim to get it”; I think this is a clue to his mom being also verbally abusive towards him: she called him “stupid creature” when he burnt those loaves of bread for Katniss and when he’s losing it in the attic of the Justice Building in D11 in CF he is mad that Katniss and Haymitch keep things from him “like [he’s] too inconsequential or stupid or weak to handle them”, which - to me - sounds like he’s tired of being treated that way (i.e. the way his mother treats him)

“I want to go home, Peeta,” I say plaintively, like a a small child. - God, this is a teenager in a murder-arena who feels like wanting to go home is a childish notion instead of a totally legitimate wish for anyone in that situation, regardless of age 😢

It’s not that Peeta’s soft exactly, and he’s proved he’s not a coward. But there are things you don’t question too much, I guess, when your home always smells like baking bread, whereas Gale questions everything. What would Peeta think of the irreverent banter that passes between us as we break the law each day? Would it shock him? The things we say about Panem? Gale’s tirades against the Capitol? - Geez, Katniss, give Peeta some credit here! A) It’s not like Peeta can walk around District 12 talking publicly about the injustices happening there - she and Peeta hadn’t even talked with each other before the reaping, whereas Gale is her best friend who rants to her while they are outside the confines of D12 and B) Peeta is literally the one who introduced the whole “not a piece in their Games”-idea to her; why would he be clutching his pearls over Katniss and Gale’s irreverent banter?! Just because Peeta didn’t live on the brink of starvation (she again brings up how his house smells like bread and - at this point - still thinks that the family running the bakery actually gets to eat what they produce just like that), doesn’t mean he doesn’t see how shitty life in D12 is - he can still want better conditions for those who are worse off than him!

“I did do the right thing,” I say. “No! Just don’t, Katniss!” His grip tightens, hurting my hand, and there’s real anger in his voice. “Don’t die for me. You won’t be doing me any favors. All right?” - Well, we’ll see this song and dance again in CF...

And while I was talking, the idea of actually losing Peeta hit me again and I realized how much I don’t want him to die. [...] And it’s not about what will happen back home. And it’s not just that I don’t want to be alone. It’s him. I do not want to lose the boy with the bread.” - I wish CF Katniss would remember this moment when she is questioning her motives about saving Peeta’s life in the arena - You. Care. For. This. Boy! You. Value. Him. For. Who. He. Is!!!

This is the first kiss that we’re both fully aware of. [...] This is the first kiss where I actually feel stirring inside my chest. Warm and curious. This is the first kiss that makes me want another. - Whoo! Is it hot in here or is it just me? 😉

I’m struck by his immediacy now. As we settle in, he pulls my head down to use his arm as a pillow; the other rests protectively over me even when he goes to sleep. No one has held me like this in such a long time. Since my father died and I stopped trusting my mother, no one else’s arms have made me feel this safe. - He makes her feel safe in a murder-arena!!! 😭 This is the kind of stuff that makes everlark just a top tier romance, tbh

Peeta telling Katniss about his crush starting on their first day of school 🥰😭 - and her reaction to it... For a moment, I’m almost foolishly happy - yes, because you have a crush on him, too! - and then confusion sweeps over me. Because we’re supposed to be making up this stuff [...] So, if those details are true... could it all be true? - YESSSSSSSS!!!

“You have a... remarkable memory, “ I say haltingly. - as a severely socially awkward person... I felt that lame response in my bones 😅

“You don’t have much competition anywhere.” And this time, it’s me who leans in. - God, this would be such an amazing moment if it didn’t get tainted by that immediate sponsor gift, which just serves to muddle Katniss’s feelings with her sense of survival, further complicating her relationship with Peeta... *sigh* 

Chapter 23

“What was that you were saying just before the food arrived? Something about me... no competition... best thing that ever happened to you...” “I don’t remember that last part,” I say, hoping it’s too dim in here for the cameras to pick up my blush. “Oh, that’s right. That’s what I was thinking,” he says. - Peeta is the master of being a cheeky little shit and adorable flirt at the same time

“So, since we were five, you never even noticed any other girls?” I ask him. “No, I noticed just about every girl, but none of them made a lasting impression but you,” he says. - I appreciate that while Peeta has had a crush on Katniss forever, he clearly didn’t spend the entire time pining after her, oblivious to the rest of the world - he has a life outside of Katniss Everdeen, but ultimately, it all lead back to her

A disturbing thought hits me. “But then, our only neighbor will be Haymitch!” “Ah, that’ll be nice,” says Peeta, tightening his arms around me. “You and me and Haymitch. Very cozy. Picnics, birthdays, long winter nights around the fire retelling old Hunger Games tales.” “I told you, he hates me!” I say, but I can’t help laughing at the image of Haymitch becoming my new pal. - Laugh all you want, this is going to end up being your future anyway 😄

He [Haymitch]’s at something of a disadvantage because most mentors have a partner, another victor to help them whereas Haymitch has to bready to go into action at any moment. Kind of like me when I was alone in the arena. I wonder how he’s holding up, with the drinking, the attention, and the stress of tring to keep us alive. - Katniss is already worrying about her “new pal”, I see ;)

Maybe he [Haymitch] wasn’t always a drunk. Maybe, in the beginning, he tried to help the tributes. But then it got unbearable. It must be hell to mentor two kids and then watch them die. - Honestly, that sounds absolutely awful...

Poor, Katniss, when she learns of Thresh’s death :( - But no one will understand my sorrow at Thresh’s murder. - It’s horrible how compassion and basic human decency gets construed as ‘weakness’ in the world of Hunger Games (esp. the Capitol)

Then I escape into sleep, comforted by a full belly and the steady warmth of Peeta beside me. - Honestly, I think a word analysis of THG-series could be interesting; how often does Katniss mention “warmth”, “steady/steadiness” “safe/safety/security” in connection with “Peeta”?

“We make a goat cheese and apple tart at the bakery,” he says. “Bet that’s expensive,” I say. “Too expensive for my family to eat. Unless it’s gone very stale. Of course, practically everything we eat is stale,” says Peeta [...] Huh. I always assumed the shopkeepers live a soft life. And it’s true, Peeta has always had enough to eat. But there’s something kind of depressing about living your life on stale bread - Katniss is starting to realize that the lives of the merchants isn’t a cushy as she thought; also, in a way, we see a “prettier” version of how Panem treats the districts overall -> feeding the districts just enough that they can do their work (plus/minus a couple of people who’ll die of starvation, but at a small, for Capitolites insignificant margin), but not so much that they are in good shape to rebel; here, the merchants of D12 have just enough that they can live a “decent” life (they know it could be worse -> the Seam), but they don’t have enough to live a free, comfortable, self-determined life either. This also just further drives a wedge between the inhabitants of D12 (the merchants won’t want to rebel because they don’t want to get ‘demoted’ in their lifestyle, starving like the people from the Seam, and the Seam folk feel resentful towards the merchant people, while also not having the resources to rebel, due to their awful socioeconomic conditions)

What would be my life like on a daily basis? Most of it has been consumed with the acquisition of food. Take that away and I’m not really sure who I am, what my identity is. - It’s so sad who Katniss has been so consumed with ensuring that her most base needs are fulfilled that she barely has had the time to really figure out who she is and what she wants from life (If we’re talking Maslow’s pyramid of needs, Katniss would primarily be stuck on the lowest tier 😢)

At least, we’ll be friends, I think. Nothing will change the fact that we’ve saved each other’s lives in here. And beyond that, he will always be the boy with the bread. Good friends. - Honestly, Katniss counting on being good friends with Peeta after the Games is the highest honor she can bestow on him at that moment (she’s so into him, lol); of course, knowing that their relationship is going to be a bit rocky once they’ve come back makes this thought a little sad... but we also know they’ll make up (and out ;) in the future

Peeta licking his plate and blowing a kiss out to Effie is such an adorable goofball-moment 😊

I cover his mouth with my hand, but I’m laughing. “Stop! Cato could be right outside our cave.” He grabs my hand away. “What do I care? I’ve got you to protect me now,” says Peeta, pulling me to him. - This moment would be so cute (also, Peeta’s so confident in Katniss’s skills to protect him, which is adorable - toxic masculinity who?) but... Ugh, he’s just so giddy here, it kind of breaks my heart for when he learns later that (at least some) of Katniss’s reactions were just for show

“If we want food, we better head back up to my old hunting grounds,” I say. “Your call, Just tell me what you need me to do,” Peeta says. - Love how Peeta’s always ready to follow Katniss’s lead :)

Ideally, I’d dump Peeta now with some simple root-gathering chore and go hunt [...] “Katniss,” he says. “We need to split up. I know I’m chasing away the game.” [...] “Show me some plants to gather and that way we’ll both be useful.” - Teamwork! If it weren’t for Katniss worrying for Peeta’s safety, they’d be on the same page here

“What if you climbed up in a tree and acted as a lookout while I haunted?” I say, trying to make it sound like very important work. “What if you show me what’s edible around here and go get us some meat?” he says, mimicking my tone. - I really like how Peeta’s challenges Katniss here; he doesn’t just go along with everything she says, while still being quite reasonable

I feel like I’m eleven, again, tethered not to the safety of the fence but to Peeta, allowing myself twenty, maybe thirty yards of hunting space. [...] I allow myself to drift farther away, and soon have two rabbits and a fat squirrel to show for it. - I don’t know, but Katniss feeling tethered to Peeta makes me think of Mary Ainsworth’s attachment theory, according to which children with a secure attachment to their primary caregiver use  their “attachment figure as a safe base to explore the environment”... Of course, Ainsworth’s Strange Situation was conducted with young children, but attachment styles are supposed to influence the relationships we form with people in our later lives as well (including romantic relationships)... I dunno, just a random association that popped into my brain 😅

Chapter 24

Peeta’s a whiz with fires, coaxing a blaze out of the damp wood. - Heh, Peeta sure knows how to handle fire, huh, Katniss (or should I say: Girl on Fire?) 😏

I order him into the sleeping bag and set aside the rest of his food for him when he wakes. He drops off immediately. I pull the sleeping bag up to his chin and kiss his forehead, not for the audience, but for me. Because I’m so greateful that he’s still here, not dead by the stream as I’d thought.  - Aww, this is so sweet (and domestic)!

It’s funny. I feel almost as if it’s the first day of the Games again. That I’m in the same position. [...] But no, there’s the boy waiting beside me. I feel his arms wrap around me. - They are a team! Katniss doesn’t have to face the horrors of the Games alone anymore! It keeps boiling down to this.

[badbookopinions]

The Jasmine Throne - the Burning Kingdoms #1, Tasha Suri

A+: unfollow me now, this is going to be the only thing I talk about forever. I’ve wanted this for years, what the fuck. (I think I got the meme template wrong but you know what I mean.)

Princess Malini, sister to the despotic Emperor Chandra, has been sent to the crumbling temple of the Hirana in conquered kingdom Ahiranya, to waste away in punishment for the coup she attempted. Priya is a maidservant in Ahiranya’s palace, trying to move on from her traumatic past and the powers she gave up. Mixing up with politics and fate and magic, Suri weaves a powerhouse of a start to this trilogy.

Do you know how long I’ve wanted a fantasy book about Desi lesbians? Do you know how worried I was that this wouldn’t live up all I hoped it would be? Well. It did. I read the first hundred pages in an afternoon, my heart in my throat, and then got to the first twist of the story and slammed it shut - this is a book with reveals, and I wanted to be able to savour it. 

Also, if you love evil manipulative women - if you read the Locked Tomb trilogy and needed to fan yourself every time a woman committed an atrocity, as I did, you’re going to LOVE this. 

Malini is 500% aware of everything going on around her at all times and how to make people love her, one of the first characters written in this archetype I’ve seen who actually pulls it off. Priya, who is My Girl, practical yet still softhearted - she’s the protagonist a little more than Malini. She’s a bit of an everyman, but was still likeable and charismatic and her arc was great. 

So much of this book is about complicated sibling relationships, which I loved. Priya’s siblings, bonded by trauma instead of blood, and their different goals meaning they hurt each other even as they apologize and wish it could be different. Malini’s siblings a twisted version of this, providing a great mirror.

Also - I was talking a lot about how Suri’s previous work is Peak Bollywood Romance, and this one is full of Desi themes as well. The way fate traces its way through this whole thing. The way women aren’t fighting against the patriarchy because they know they won’t win, but are trying to manipulate it in their own way, grabbing power however they can. The different cultures and religions both clashing and coexisting. 

Plot: great. Smooth pacing building to this explosive conclusion - I can’t wait to see what comes next. The reveals are epic, as well, and Suri nicely walks the balance between building enough suspense and making us wait the whole book to find out a few uninteresting bits of information.

Characters: I love manipulative women! Like. Bhumika? Malini? Even Priya? Complex, fascinating, characters. I already mentioned the sibling relationships and the romance in this book as fantastic, but I’m going to mention it again.

Setting: wonderful. I had a great time trying to draw connections between real Indian cultures and fantasy ones in this book - none of them line up, but the inspiration is there. I’m especially fascinated by the Alorans and their nameless god, and the way that Rao spends so much time thinking about fate and destiny, and the wild magic that threads through this whole book.

Prose: good. A few lines in this are absolutely stunning. “The moment I saw you, I felt a tug. You are the feeling of falling, the tidal waters, the way a living thing will always turn, seeking light. It isn’t that I think you are good or kind, or even that I love you. It is only that, the moment I saw you, I knew I would seek you out. Just as I sought the deathless waters. Just as I sought my brother. Just as I seek all things - without thought, with nothing but want.”

Diversity report: an all-Desi cast, two lesbian main characters, well-written women. I’m so pleased, also, by the fact that Suri mentions several times Priya isn’t light-skinned.

[ajaxwrites]

Genshin Impact Fanfic Rec List

(because this is my most current obsession~~)

The Narwhal of Dihua Marsh by GreyLiliy

Childe hears of a strong Adeptus living at the Wangshu Inn. Despite warnings from Zhongli that fighting Xiao would be a deathly mistake, Childe seeks out the Adeptus living in the Dihua Marsh eager for a proper fight.

However, Childe severely underestimates his opponent, and the consequences of his actions may keep him from returning home to Snezhnaya.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: This fic is interesting primarily because it's not necessarily what you would call an easy story to read. The content can surprisingly get quite heavy as the relationship between Childe and Zhongli isn't healthy and it becomes increasingly obvious as the story progresses. You swing between wanting to separate the two and also desperately wishing that they'll work out because there is something there. The story snowballs from what seems like an innocuous, if stupid and rash, decision on Childe's part to a complicated mess that you can’t help but be enthralled in. I went in expecting your typical romance and ended up in something that was more complex than I expected but also beautifully thought provoking.

Entirely Out of Spite by Bgtea

"Welcome to a new user experience! You have triggered this interface with the keywords, ‘Stupid game! Stupid devs! I want my f*****g money back!’ You are now bound to the character Tartaglia, the Eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui, codename: Childe! We hope you have an enjoyable user experience and we welcome you once again to Genshin Impact 2.0!”

Those are some of the first words Ajax, starving college student extraordinaire, has the misfortune of hearing upon waking up in a brave new world from what he's fairly sure is a very, very fatal accident involving water and a shit ton of electricity.

Okay, so he's not dead. That's good. But what's this about him being stuck playing the character Tartaglia? Tartaglia, as in the shitty, one-dimensional, cartoonish villain who met his untimely, gruesome death in the first act of the original game?

Fuck that noise. Like hell Ajax is going to share that fate.

And so begins one man's journey to unfuck himself.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Whenever this updates, I squeal. If you’re a fan of The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System or just transmigration/reincarnation plots in general, you’re going to love it. Bgtea does a beautiful job in balancing humor with the trauma that comes with the whole reincarnation plotline. The whole of it is beautiful written and watching Childe/Ajax interact with the other characters (and the perspective of those characters) is a delight! 

the sister by glassdrachma

The tragic and unexpected death of Zhongli-xiansheng of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor occurred to the sorrow of many and the deep skepticism of a few.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: glassdrachma has a gift for humor and romance. In short, Zhongli fakes his death for plot reasons and comes back as Jianlao, the bereaved twin sister. Shenanigans ensue, featuring overprotective Liyue-ians (?), chaotic gremlin Venti, and Kexing. Very light hearted, good for the soul.

The White Cicada Society by clementinesgulag

After his little brother is bundled back to Snezhnaya, Childe makes good on his promise to the traveller and takes the first boat out of Liyue Harbor. Any sense of homecoming lasts about as long as an uncooked steak in front of Xiangling, however, when his boat sinks, grounding him back in the mainland.

It's just as well, because the next morning, a body is found in the Northland Bank. A visit from a fellow Harbinger reveals a far more insidious plot than anything Childe could concoct with a god of the vortex and twenty minutes without supervision. The murders aren’t limited to the one Bank. They’ve been trailing down the Liyue border, getting closer and closer to the city. The Tsaritsa has a new mission for him: to figure out who, or what is targeting Fatui forces.

Against his best wishes, Childe is forced to see Zhongli again at the morgue. It becomes clear that he’s going to need a guide, and Childe resolves to quash his pride, and their differences to request his help to navigate Liyue and solve the case.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: A diamond in the rough that I slept on and then stumbled back to by accident. I had it marked for later on AO3 and forgot about it for like a good week to my utter self-disgust. It. Is. So. Damn. Good! The mystery is intriguing but I live for the realistic portrayal of the aftermath of the whole gnosis plotline. The betrayal, the bitterness, but ah, the sexual tension. The harbinger interactions in this fic make it gold though.

Lungs full of Roses by SecretlyACatLady

Childe had always assumed that he would die young. He had accepted that a long time ago, ever since he accepted the mantle of a Fatui Harbinger. However, he always thought that he would die in a glorious fight, his body broken but spirit relishing the strong opponent that had bested him. He was okay with that type of death.

Unfortunately, it seemed like Fate had decided to add one last insult to injury, because, here Childe was, dying because he had fallen in love with the ex-Geo Archon. The same Archon who seemed to have discarded him like an old toy ever since the Osial Incident. --- In which divine beings are cruel and a cursed Childe starts preparing for his inevitable death because no Archon could ever love a mortal.

…Right?

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: The fic that started it all for me, the one that sucked me into the fandom. This fic is heartbreaking. We always do love a hanahaki plotline but something about the way it frames the disease and the shame that comes with it...I highly recommend giving it a read. The angst is real I tell you.

The Bride of The Golden Dragon by Erika_Bee

“You’re to be sent on a special mission, Tartaglia.”

The young man’s eyes gleamed in interest. “How special?” He asked as he wiped the blood off his daggers.

His superior grinned. “Special enough to put your name in Snezhnaya’s history books.”

—

In which the Archon War ravaged the land of Liyue and to ensure the people’s survival, the God of Geo established the Harvester Contract: One bride per village, every year, in exchange for protection and a good harvest.

Or: Childe is sent on an undercover mission to kill the Geo Archon, but things don’t go as planned.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Don’t let the title scare you off--this isn’t one of those fics where they feminize one of the male characters and reduce their personality to a mindless submissive bobblehead to the point that I want to throw my laptop out of the window. Not that there’s anything wrong if you like that kind of thing, just not my cup of tea. This fic though---READ IT! There’s just something refreshing about the writing and the plot, the way that Childe’s character reads off the page. I live for the interactions between the characters and how the author has mapped the relationships. Warning that recent chapters have swerved decided into NSFW territory though.

the brothers grim by izabellwit

Left in an unfamiliar land with a mission he never wanted, a young Kaeya lies, survives, and somehow finds a family in the process.

Or: How Kaeya came to Dawn Winery, and why he left it. Includes lore, sibling bickering, found family struggles, and a more in-depth look at the years between Kaeya’s arrival and Crepus’s death.

Ships: N/A

Notes: Ahh, little Kaeya. Cheeky ass little shit that’s too angsty and adorable for his own good. I don’t have words for this fic. It makes my heart warm but also makes me want to weep because god, this fic covers exactly how traumatic Kaeya’s situation is and why child soldiers/spies just shouldn’t be. And the dynamic he has with Diluc and Crepus--do me a favor and read it. Screams found family.

the wind through the mountain tops by glassdrachma

Boredom brings Barbatos of Mondstadt to bother a certain ex-Archon of the Earth.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: A light-hearted, humorous and fluffy as hell piece. Short word is that Venti comes to Liyue for some fun, causes chaos, accidentally plays matchmaker, and steals some vegetables. A get-together fic for Childe and Zhongli that includes a surprisingly self-aware (if blunt and snarky) Zhongli and jealous Childe that gets increasingly flustered.

melt (speak or forever hold your peace) by anatakana

Falling into bed with Diluc was an unbelievably bad idea given their tumultuous shared history, but Kaeya’s impulsive urge to amuse himself knew no bounds.

It’s all fun and games until emotions got involved.

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: THIS IS NSFW. With plot though? This is THE FIC that got me shipping the two (though the game did a good job on its own). The angst is real here and we love the sheer gal of both of these two stupid men.

Cascading (In a good way) by Hubbleablubble

Kaeya is a fascinating annoyance.

(Or: A series of events in which Albedo gets to know Kaeya, and they slowly go from strangers to acquaintances to something more.)

Ships: Albedo/Kaeya

Notes: Sweet fic. Not my typical ship pairing. Loved the Khaenri’ah mentions. Kaeya is Trans FTM here though it’s only briefly mentioned. There is also an incomplete sequel (as of May 2021) featuring an Overprotective Big Brother Diluc on a warpath giving shovel talks to everyone except apparently Albedo that’s also worth reading.

The Language of Flowers by Jules (Penwyn)

Kaeya Alberich has made a habit of lying—after all, the only truths he’s ever spoken cost him everything—but there are only so many lies a man can tell before the truth comes spilling out.

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: Hanahaki! Except not! Basically, Kaeya pukes up flowers that say the truth whenever he lies. Cue, angst! Lovely and quick read--love Kaeya’s voice here.

i know i'm where i'm meant to go by paperclips (pastel_paperclips)

"Childe," Zhongli says suddenly. "I am enjoying myself greatly."

Childe’s face breaks into a grin. "Then-"

Zhongli gasps, grabbing his wrist and tugging him over to an unsuspecting peddler with a cart full of rocks. "Is that an intrusive igneous pegmatite formed in the Inazuma regions?"

Childe’s grin smooths into a small, adoring smile. He has all the time in the world to figure the other man out.

OR: Finding the Geo Archon is on Childe's to-do list but hanging out with Zhongli is significantly more fun.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Childe, you idiot. Humorous and funny, very light hearted. Makes you wonder if Childe has an IQ. He’s too busy pining/lovesick to realize that he told his target that he’s going to kill him for his gnosis. Zhongli and Liyue remain confused on how Childe still DOES NOT get it but half-ass hiding his Archon status anyway.

the bird without wings by Anonymous

"Kaeya!" someone yells. Small arms wrap around his waist tightly, red hair spilling out of the ponytail, and Kaeya's heart almost stops.

He's talked his way out of all types of situations. From placating international disputes to buttering up his informants, he's always had a quick response to everything.

But for once, Kaeya is speechless. He stares down at the boy with puffy cheeks, slightly crooked teeth and sparkling bright eyes.

Eight year old Diluc beams back.

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: Diluc gets de-aged and Kaeya gets angsty. The interactions between the two are heartwarming and will induce tears. Childe makes a brief appearence that *chef’s kiss*

call me "lover boy" by Anonymous

Zhongli turns back, eyes bright with amusement, a stray lilypad still stuck in his hair, and Childe thinks, wow. I want to kiss him stupid.

Childe's not into the whole "swooning maiden patiently waiting for his beloved to swoop down and smooch the daylights out of him" thing. Nah, that's not his style. He's Tartaglia, eleventh of the Fatui harbingers, and he's going to kiss Zhongli right now.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: FUNNY AS HELL. Childe is straight up just trying to plant one on Zhongli but fate and people just keep interfering. It’s a weird trope aversion where the character is actively trying to confess rather than avoiding it but life gets in the way. 

springtime in snezh-nya-ya by miaomaomei

Tartaglia’s body moves before he can even think about it. He arches his back and flattens his ears against his head, baring his teeth in a hiss. Considering he barely even reaches Scaramouche's knees — Scaramouche, of all people! The guy is practically the size of a fourteen-year-old — he doubts that he is cutting as imposing a figure as he hopes.

It isn't a surprise, though. No one could become a Fatui Harbinger if they were scared of a little cat.

OR

Tartaglia is turned into a cat and he goes to Zhongli for help. It goes about as well as expected.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: TOO ADORABLE FOR WORDS. This is just pure fluff I swear. Love how Childe is written and the interactions between the two are just ahhhh. A balm on the soul.

Melt by tanktrilby

“My name is Diluc,” he says. A scowl naturally furrows his brow, and Kaeya looks like he wants to laugh.

He’s looking at him through his lashes again, blue eyes teasing and warm. “Diluc,” he says. “A knight in overalls isn’t quite where I thought my preferences would lie, but here we are.”

(or: Kaeya loses his memories and makes some assumptions. Diluc can't honestly tell him that he's wrong.)

Ships: Diluc/Kaeya

Notes: As the summary says, Kaeya loses his memories. Diluc plays babysitter for plot reasons. Meanwhile, Kaeya freaks out and has an essential crisis because his instincts freak him out which = angst. Simultaneously, sort of love confessions? 

you are cordially invited by ktenologious

When the Traveler receives a mysterious invitation from a Snezhnayan businessman, they seek out help from the only Snezhnayan they are on good terms with. They decide it is a wonderful idea to go to this business party in the middle of the ocean because, well, what could be better entertainment than watching a Fatui Harbinger at work? It is too bad Childe couldn't come with them...

Meanwhile, the Tsaritsa needs someone to track down the source of a brand new drug at a party on a cruise; it just so happens that she has two Harbingers who specialize in causing chaos and sinking ships. Scaramouche is a sadist and loves this, and Tartaglia... Well, Tartaglia just wants to know why is he the one in the dress again.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe, sort of Diluc/Kaeya & Scaramouche/Childe

Notes: Features a crossdressing Childe and Kaeya for plot reasons. Funny as hell. Love Fatui dynamics/interactions. Highly recommend. Go read it. I’m serious. It’s so beautiful, I can’t. Also Zhongli is so love-sick and jealous, it’s hilarious.

The Road to Snezhnaya by paranoid_fridge

Everything's done and over. Now, Zhongli only needs to adjust to living like an ordinary mortal. Or that is what he thinks until a familiar face shows up in Liyue. Teucer comes looking for his brother who failed to return to Snezhnaya on the Fatui ships. And as Childe's declared "friend", Zhongli must help Teucer find him.

Or: Teucer drags Zhongli on a cross-country goose chase looking for Childe. Zhongli just happens to find a bit more along the way.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: I have no words for this fic outside of the fact that it is clear that Teucer has the only functioning brain and should be Best Man because he obviously did all the work here. Features an oblivious Childe and overprotective Zhongli, plus bystander Kaeya that is getting allll of the gossip. And also the most destructive group of children ever.

basket of knives by oronine

“I just want to be loved,” Childe says to himself, to whoever is listening. “Is that too much to ask?”

They are on the roof once more, this time Childe’s foot touches the edge of the building as he daydreams of something that cannot be. The sky is blank and cloudy and perhaps Lumine fears it’ll all end when he takes a step.

“Not at all,” she says. It’s still the truth.

Contrary to popular belief, Childe hates his family but loves them all the same.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: TW for suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, self-harm, depression, etc. Not a light read by any definition. Set in a modern AU, not in the genshin impact universe. Features a Childe that is Not Okay, good friend but also probably traumatized friend Lumine (and her brother Aether), and Zhongli. Family dynamic is messed up as hell and explores mental health quite well in my opinion. I’m not sure how healthy necessarily Childe’s relationships are but I think that’s a given considering the context and how derailed his mental health is in this fic. Definitely angst as heavy, made me tear up quite a bit. Read, but pay attention to the content/trigger warnings as it does get quite explicit.

Bane of All Evil by tzitzimeme

When Chongyun unintentionally offends Liyue's second most powerful adepti, he vows to mend the thorny relationship between Adeptus Xiao and human exorcists-- even though no one has succeeded in currying Xiao's favor for over a thousand years.

His best friend Xingqiu offers to come alone, mainly because he's worried about what kind of trouble Chongyun will run into. Along the way, they receive help from others: Xiangling packs them meals for their journeys, while Zhongli gives them advice on what demons to track.

Childe is just there because he thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

Ships: Chongyun/Xinqiu

Notes: JFKLFJS I LOVE THIS. I love Chongyun’s characterization and the interaction between all the characters. The dynamic between Chongyun, Xingqiu, and Xiangling are to die for. Also, this line: “Stuck-up Persnickety Bastard.” Random note but Xiao throws Chongyun off a balcony yet is also 100% a softie.

Talks about Nothing by tzitzimeme

In which Zhongli unlocks the Memory of Dust, only to find out:

1. Guizhong is 100% alive (just disembodied) within it, 2. Guizhong has been watching over him this whole time, and 3. Guizhong is very excited by the prospect of Zhongli getting a cute Snezhnayan boyfriend.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe, Venti/Xiao

Notes: The pure judgment that Guizhong unleashes on Zhongli (as well as her sass in general) is pure comedic gold. The dynamic between Xiao and Venti are also adorable. Meanwhile, Childe misunderstands and also just wants to know what the fuck is going on.

xi wangmu by tzitzimeme

Xiangling scales entire mountains to satisfy the palettes of her two pickiest customers.

(Or, two men who are emotionally stunted by their own immortality inadvertantly turn an overly enthusiastic chef into their messenger pigeon.)

Ships: Zhongli/Xiao (?)

Notes: Not sure if it reads romantic exactly, can definitely be read as platonic. The fic boils down to Xiangling trying to expose Xiao to variety because just eating plain almond tofu is a no no. Zhongli gives advice/uses Xiangling as a messenger pigeon. Backstory is explored!

Falling (Fallen) by asinglecrow

It’s only when Childe finds himself in front of Zhongli, a spear protruding from his stomach, that he thinks oh I might have fucked up.

Or: The worst (best) day of Childe's life.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Funny and lighthearted! Gets sort of NSFW with passing mention of mpreg but otherwise, it’s just pure humor/fluff. Get-together fic featuring deadpan dragon Zhongli and Childe that is just done with everything. 

the louvre by morisuke

Here in Liyue, the air is filled with the ocean, and the sun shines through the mountains like it’s flowing through a crack in the sky. Here in Liyue, there is a man with no wallet at a vending machine that is going to waste the rest of his day showing a stranger around their school campus for a pocket sized can of iced coffee.

It’s interesting here in Liyue, Childe thinks.

or

Where Childe flirts with a stranger at a campus vending machine.

Ships: Zhongli/Childe

Notes: Set in a modern/college AU. This is a relatively quiet, soft kind of story. Childe comes to Liyue because reasons and falls in love quietly. It’s more of a snippet of life type of fic that’s sweet and peaceful. Love the change that comes over Childe as he finds a home.

[betweenlands]

This chapter. Hurt. Neither person has enough context to know *why* the other is acting the way they are (and how can they explain it? Doc never met the RK Ren made a deal with, can't even really imagine how bad third life was to get to that point. Ren didn't see Doc falling apart after he was assumed dead, he's not in the right headspace to understand that Doc couldn't ask questions without accepting Ren wasn't coming back and was gone forever), and. Well. If a bone heals broken you have to rebreak it to set it properly. Doc couldn't be honest with Ren because he couldn't be honest with himself, he couldn't say "I don't know what happened and I can't fix it for you" without breaking down even in his head, and Ren is hurting so much he needs someone to hurt too so he isn't alone with a god who's claimed him, who overwrote his being to the point that he's a stranger in his own body and emotions. Ultimately it's good that it's out there and they can start actually talking, but Renbob still is the only emotionally intelligent motherfucker on the van.

Doc's relationship with Martyn is going to be, uh, complicated though. Ren and RK both trauma bonded with Martyn to a codependent degree and that isn't a good thing or something to try and emulate, but. Doc misses his best friend so much. He wasn't replaced, but god it must feel like it when this person he doesn't know holds such a complete part of Ren's fragile mental state when *not even present*. It'll probably go both ways though, because Doc can help Ren move on in a way Martyn will never be able to accomplish. Granted that depends on how Martyn shows up though (my bet is Renbob with a big net). As a side note though, if Ren was the one to have a breakdown after killing Scott, was RK in the passenger seat experiencing it? Because I imagine a god of war and blood doesn't experience regret or sadness or personal disgust on a personal level very often, and not only was Ren driving Martyn was actively comforting him and reminicing. That's two people he actively (if clumsily) cares for exposing him to emotions he never had a reason to care about before. Thinky thoughts.

As a final note I loved the chapter and farewell to the bead curtain, may it have a viking funeral

this is all very good commentary! to answer the one question you had about who had that breakdown after killing scott: it was both of them. it was absolutely both of them.