#tw: suidice note

[zimthandmade]

Beyond repair.

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[losingmyhope]

TW Suici.. TW

YESTERDAY

Yesterday,

I took too much pills.

i tried to k m s, but today i woke up.

so I didn't succeed.

I'm so disappointed on myself.

How can i be so bad at everything, that I couldn't even end my life....

[strangerplan]

lauren oliver, the creator of panic: yeah dodge “has had sex often and indiscriminately. cowboy style.”

me, an intellectual: no the fuck he has not.

to expand upon that, dodge’s whole plot is about getting revenge. that is his plotline. he wants revenge on luke hall for paralyzing his sister (even though there’s very little/next to no proof that luke did paralyze dayna) and even if he wanted to hook up with people on a whim, he doesn’t strike me as the type to.

like i said, he’s been focused on revenge and his plan for a long time. probably since dayna had her accident. there’s no way he’s going out and having sex with random people. i don’t know how much experience he has, but i’m willing to bet a good amount of money that he’s probably a virgin. i don’t know how much of a virgin he is, but i’m pretty sure he hasn’t had sex yet.

which brings me to his and natalie’s relationship. i don’t like it. i think it could have been handled so much better and i think shoehorning a romantic subplot into dodge’s storyline was lazy and stupid. i do think that if they had developed dodge and nat more than they did, it could’ve had the potential to be a good relationship, but they didn’t. they just had them hook up after dodge told her about his father committing suicide. that alone makes me cringe at it, never mind the fact that it’s not really in line with dodge’s character to hook up with someone at that point in his life.

do i think dodge never has sex ever? no. after all, he did in canon. i haven’t decided if my interpretation of dodge has sex with natalie or not. if he does, it’s certainly not like it was in the show. for now, i’m leaning towards he didn’t. he and natalie were friends/partners throughout the series and they didn’t hook up. i think they might’ve made out a little, but there was no sex involved. but that could change. like i said, i’m not sure yet.

[letterstonone]

Throwback to the time I lost my suicide note in middle school and was worried someone would read it and started writing everything on my google docs after that. I remember this rn bc I left my journal outside my class, and was worried someone would read it. That shit has some incriminating stuff. Ah the memories.

[sch-com]

This is a mental illness sideblog, focusing mainly on:

schizoid personality disorder

anankastic / obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (please note it's not OCD, it's OCPD. Totally different things, look it up.)

Occasionally I may post about:

major depression

body-focused repetitive behaviours

depersonalisation-derealisation (also a part of schizoid PD)

chronic suidicality (also a part of schizoid PD)

Tags:

#schcomtalk - original posts #tw [trigger] - format of trigger warnings

Other info:

i am an adult, pronouns are they/them

messages, reblogs, comments, asks are welcome, unless specified otherwise

[scarletcomet]

ok so maybe i am kind of making plans for killing myself tonight. i will most likely not go through with them, but a girl can dream.

[whatsabunnyuwu]

I’m sorry but-

One note a day post.

Things are getting really hard right now and I just-

[clowning-lessons]

one note on this post is one day i force myself to keep going so i can transition

[rvdbnotreally]

(this goes into some dark themes (r*pe, s*lfharm, de*th, pa*n and others) and i’m not promoting nor romanticize these themes!!)

i wish that could be raped, forever alone and forever together. forever in pain and harmony.

i wish that i could be poisoned with something that would make me feel pain. forever together and forever happy. forever burdened and forever at peace.

pain, it’s such a great word. p-ain, pa-in, pai-n, pai-n, pain-

alone, wouldn’t it be nice to forever be the only to care and hate?

harmony, such a sense of peace. harmony, as the way the wind would blow in the heavens.

burdened, that would be great. the people you don’t tell wouldn’t know you are in pain.

gods, why is it not enough. why can’t i die like in the films, stories or memories?

the people die in their happy moment, at the end of the film, right?

“say, maiden, why are we not dead?”

“i am not to know, you?”

“i wouldn’t have asked if i had an answer. if i were to die, i would like to spent my last happy moment with you, my lady.”

“as would i…”

right? that’s how it goes? they all die at the end.

die, dead, death.

never to been seen again. never to be spoken to again.

death, such a great word.

my close good friend told me around nine months ago that i should share these ‘notes’, with the world, my parents or a therapist. so here i am.

[human-person234]

UPDATE UPDATE UP DATE U P D A A A T E

I'm sobbing with relief, you guys. I've been so stuck on this. I can't believe it took me two months to update. Things were getting better, over the last week or so I managed to write a few sentences here and there, but today it just clicked and I banged out the whole chapter like nobody's business. It feels so good. I don't have the next one written, but I have it outlined, and I have a tentative outline for the rest of the fic--not that we're too near the end, yet. It's just a good sign.

I have some thoughts about the chapter, the fic, and its effect on my mental health, but I have a feeling this will get long so I'm going to put a break. Click if you want to read my rambling about all that, I guess.

Writing this fic ended up being a bigger part of my personal mental health journey than I anticipated, so it's natural that they'd be intertwined. I only wrote it because I was so obsessed with the Suicidal Midoriya Izuku tag I ran out of fics to read and had to make my own. Not exactly "mentally stable" behavior.

If you read Wish I Hadn't Got So Much Better, esp my notes and comments, you know that suicidal ideation is a very real issue for me, both in my past and (surprisingly, like for the Izuku of that story) my present.

I'm not opposed to talking about it, so if anyone wants to chat about that kind of stuff, my DMs and asks are open, seriously, I love talking about mental health and any excuse to talk about myself is welcome. But I won't get into it too much here.

Basically, I was depressed, and dealing with some other physical health issues (TURNS OUT I'VE BEEN BREATHING MOLD FOR MONTHS NO WONDER I'M EXTRA LETHARGIC), and when I started to fall behind on updates, that only exacerbated my anxiety and guilt and, thus, depression.

Something else that came up for me was that I don't totally feel qualified to write about suicide recovery, because I never experienced it in the way I'm writing it.

I basically dumped this on Izuku in Wish I Hadn't Got So Much Better, but essentially, I do have experience with being suicidal, just not the "getting help" part. I do see a psychiatrist for my disorders, but no one ever found out about the suicidal part.

So, like Hizashi and Shouta say in Chapter 13, "Who do I think I am? Why do I think I could take care of a child?" I have no idea what guided recovery looks like, because I did it alone. I kept thinking, what if I'm doing it wrong, what if I'm missing something important, what if people who really had these experiences think I'm taking it lightly?

So that's part of the source for my end note for this chapter--I realized that as long as I'm doing my due diligence, I don't have to feel guilty about getting it wrong, because real people get it wrong too. Also, it's fanfiction, I'm allowed some wiggle room. I've read and loved and recommended fics with far looser basis in reality, and never considered complaining. I'm just a harsher critic of myself than I am of others, as are most people.

On a more technical note, I also struggled with pacing the story. I kept feeling like I was stuck in a real-time pace, and I couldn't figure out how to stop describing literally every action my characters took. How hard is it to zoom out and do a fucking timeskip, for goodness' sake?

For me--very hard, it turns out.

So I kind of gave up, gave myself permission to stop trying. I even stopped reading MHA fics for a little while (no way I could stop reading fics, though). I went back to one of my all-time fave fics, from what might be my favorite anime--Run With the Wind. The fic is Beyond the Wind by kstar2091.

Honestly, I thought my first fic would be in this fandom. I figured it would be a poor homage to this fic, a continuation of canon events finally giving us the romance that had been simmering all 23 episodes. My pfp is best boy Kiyose Haiji for a reason.

Uh oh, that was a bit of a tangent.

My point is, re-reading my fave fic (with delicious new chapters) inspired me, bc kstar is legit VERY GOOD at exactly what I was struggling with--passing a lot of in-story time without sacrificing content or intensity.

So, the little interlude in Izu's POV covering a week or so in the chapter I just posted--that's thanks to kstar2091, Beyond the Wind, and ofc my best boy Haiji. Once I got through that bit, it all started flowing like chocolate sauce at a Golden Corral.

There's a lot of juicy bits upcoming, some of which people have been eagerly awaiting. One of them is obvious. Others, you might hate me for?? But also I hope you'll love them, because you're all screwed up like me.

So yeah, I'm not promising weekly updates anymore, but the juices are flowing, the sun is shining, the mold is blooming in my bedroom, and I'm slowly getting back on my mood stabilizers.

If anyone wants to talk about mental health, or ask me anything personal, feel free, you won't offend or upset me. Or, don't say anything, and just keep reading! Or stop reading, idk, it's your life.

[mispelled-thoughts]

sometimes, I wish friends notices patterns in what I drink and how I feel cause like, its so obvious that I think everyone knows but they intentionally ignore it a sugar loaded Frappuccino or whatever shit - im gonna fucking faint and I need something to bring my blood sugar up. fast.

tea - im normal, im fine

water - im prolly sad, exhausted, guilty, feeling like shit, I never really drink water a lot unless it comes down to that, so smh, damn me and then I wonder why im so dehydrated

coffee - im dying, im dying, Seriously, im dying and getting worse, I never drink coffee. Seriously, NOTICE and say it if you see something cause im too much of an egoistic bitch to say it aloud.

[princess-of-the-corner]

⚠️Trigger warning: suicide⚠️

Forged au:

Swallowing the bottle of pills, I laid down in bed as the tears began to flow

Clutching my stuffed bear, I smiled as I realized mom and dad wouldn't hate me anymore, they'd be free

I began to feel a bit sleepy....I'm tired....maybe I'll take a nap....hopefully now sabrina will have better friends....without having me staining her image, I smile, and then I closed my eyes

...maybe tomorrow will get better

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chloe didn't wake up the next day, but she still had a smile on her face

Why must you hurt me in this way?

[lost-inthenight]

So I’ve decided to write out a Facebook post that I’ll hopefully be able to schedule for after I’m gone (I don’t want it to be before otherwise I’ll get messages and shit🙄).

I’ve written a ‘general note’ in the past, but decided I should probably join the 21st century.

[fucking-aesthete]

the day after i killed myself

o quão triste é voltar pra casa, depois de passar dois dias no hospital fazendo lavagem estomacal por conta de uma overdose de remedios, e ainda sentir que nada mudou, que ainda esta uma merda e q se tivesse oportunidade tentaria dnv? queria sair de la dizendo que “renasci” e q agr eu amo viver e quero ter um grande futuro, mas essa n é a verdade. o real ponto é ainda n quero me m4t4r mas tbm n importo de morrer 

[bloodysinkk]

Good bye friends. This world isnt wide enough for me. I cant stand @random-shit-central not being here.

[icantdealwithlifeanymore]

Welp. It’s been an interesting early start.