#unfortunately i'm back at 2 fucking am and will be having a bad day tomorrow because of it lmao

[kennabeth]

as someone who's seen both the x files and read the inkheart series do you also see a similarity between mulder and mo??? both of them have someone disappear in their lives and seem to perpetually victimize themselves because of it. also hot headed and kind of rash and self righteous. just realized this myself

congrats on sending my absolute favorite ask i've ever received omg

i 500% see exactly what you mean--i've been thinking about this the past few days and there are so many examples i think of mo's mulder-esque rashness but when basta says he's going to start maiming meggie in inkheart to make mo read and mo doesn't even change his expression or say anything and just pitches the mug of boiling water at basta's head has GOT to be something mulder actually did in the show. has to be.

idk if you're familiar with the absolute funniest txf post on the entire internet ("ever heard of the knife alien") but the energy coming off of that is the exactly how it feels when mo tries to explain how the reading thing works.

person: "there's no way that person over there is a book character you brought to life. that's just ridiculous"

mortimer: "ever heard of fucking magic"

and resa as samantha?? i could spend Y E A R S thinking on what that says about her since we never find out what happened for sure to samantha and honestly get to decide which of the possible options we like best.. which is so in-theme with inkheart in general i want to weep. samantha's story is always told FOR her and she never got the chance to have any agency in it which. whew. is so exactly what resa was furious about in inkdeath (how the inkworld is a world for men but she will not stand by and let them tell her story for her yk!!). even before we find out in inkheart that resa is alive and well (well. not really) there's so much speculation about where she could be, why she would have left (from the people who don't know she got sucked into the book), what she's like now that i refuse to believe cornelia didn't watch the sht out of txf and internalize it even by accident. ain't no way.

detour over--mo and mulder both just. THRIVE on being the designated Sad Boy in the room. mulder does because he's an attention whore but i think it's the only way mo feels validated in a grief he can never fully explain to people for fear of looking like he believes bigfoot came from the fucking moon. he certainly doesn't have peers he confides in even in a casual, non-magic-related capacity (all of the folcharts being such crippling loners is kind of funny; someone remind me to come back to that one day) so he needs everyone he comes into contact with to acknowledge his pain without letting them actually know him. so he--for lack of a better term--acts out and gets himself into the dumbest possible situations. always tells stories like he's the only one affected by whatever happened (unless the other possible victims are resa or meggie ofc) (and this isn't rabid dustfinger-stan!kenna talking, i'm thinking about the lack of empathy for fenoglio's grandchildren being traumatized, the dismissive "wow that sucks" when strolling players were killed because of him (although maybe we can argue he just didn't feel like meggie needed to hear that idk)).

all that's up until inkdeath which is so obviously and magnificently his book. his rise above victimhood to become the avenging angel fenoglio thought he was casting as cosimo is so gorgeously written i feel like i should send cornelia $50 for rereading privileges. and that's where he and mulder finally diverge i think--and it's not quite fair to mulder because so much of his character was dependent on duchovny but mans really just took tf off on his gf and their tiny baby, had no contact with her, took no responsibility, lowkey becoming scully's samantha for a while lmao.

[mischief-lies-and-stories]

Loki Episode 4 Coherent Thoughts

Spoilers for Episode 4 and before, obviously.

Christ, I have come up with ANOTHER fic idea that has to be posted before Thursday if I want it to be relevant for a little bit, and boy howdy, it is not short.

I think Sylvie got to Mobius. I'm gonna time it next time I watch it (and report back here when I do), but I'm pretty sure even if Loki and Sylvie's conversation happens at the same time as the scene in OB's workroom that immediately follows, there was still enough time for Mobius to look into his memories and get hot cocoa before. Even if he just finds files somewhere and tucks them away to look at later. [EDIT: YES. Sylvie and Loki's conversation in "pie land" takes about 4 minutes and 31 seconds. If we assume the hot cocoa machine takes 1 minute roughly, the total time he's with OB, Casey, and Timely plus that minute is 2 minutes and 42 seconds, leaving 1 minute and 49 seconds to do something that helps him figure out his memories. What that something is in that time, I don't know, but that's still almost 2 minutes of time unaccounted for.]

Listen, I know it's episode 4 so it's too early to be in pain. I know it. But goddamn I still feel bereft. That look on Loki's face that they left us with HURT MY SOUL. (And also I was there (kind of) for Supernatural at the very end and shit went down two episodes before the finale and DID NOT GET ADEQUATELY RESOLVED and I'm not gonna say I was traumatized because that's dramatic, these are tv shows, but I'm a milder version of traumatized. I've been burned by bad endings that started two episodes before the end before.) And I'm just really upset about seeing Loki in pain in general (don't get me wrong, DO IT, it gives me writing ideas and hurts really good, but ouch), and the comics seem to be implying some worrying shit coming down the pipe for my boi, so I don't like shit happening from both ends. I DON'T HAVE THE CAPACITY TO HANDLE IT, Y'ALL!!

I feel like we're going to restart the clock next ep, but I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GONNA DO THAT. The Loom (or timeline, I'm gonna get to this thought in a post tomorrow) exploded without any time for the main six to turn back the clock.

I haven't talked about it much on here, because I don't want to address a rumor and I don't want to believe it, but I have been dreading episode 5 since ep 1 because of Mobius and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Spoiler. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm very suspicious of this rumor and also a little superstitious of looking at it head-on because I don't want it to be real, so unfortunately you're gonna have to go into the lokius tag yourself to see if you can find it. It might also be in the Mobius tag. There is ONE good-ish possibility for this possible spoiler if it's legit, and it would be that it might prove one of my theories (plus maybe something else if they do it justice, but I don't have too much confidence they will), but either way it kind of upsets lokius and I'm not thrilled by that. I have a theory that's coming tomorrow that could have this happen while still giving us lokius endgame, but given how much time is left in the season I'm not very confident so I'm just gonna sit here for the next few days and pray it was a troll.

Also: "oh no" is a code phrase I've started with my friends that has made its way into my personal reaction notes, and now congrats, you've been (unwillingly) witnesses to it now, too. It means "I am starting to ship this and I don't want to-slash-I know I shouldn't, but I am." And (yike) if you recall this showed up on the reaction about Sylvie jumping into the lokius bickering. I'M NOT SAYING that I ship sylkius. I'M NOT SAYING that I'm GOING TO ship sylkius. I'm just saying I had THOUGHTS when she did that and I didn't love the thoughts I had. I think episode 4 of season one was when I started shipping lokius, though, so...fuck. (It should be noted that 90% of the time I go "oh no" just in general, though, I forget about it pretty quickly afterwards, so statistically it's unlikely.)

[thegeminisage]

a teensy bit of zelda...i played day before yesterday but didn't document it so:

i went to those craters at the edge of the world and barely recognized them, even tho i know ive been there in botw. it's wild how time will soften those spatial memories when it's someplace remote

also - there was a crystal shrine there - it struck me how comical it is that the crystals ARE the shrines. those rauru and sonia statues getting shaken and stirred while i bounce these bad boys all over hyrule

adn finally. i finally beat that FUCKING stalnox. the one that kicked my ass so bad at the beginning of the game. and THEN!!! RIGHT AFTER I BEAT IT. blood moon. what was i going to do? it killed ME multiple times. i turned right back around and went back to kill it again lol

the secret to stalnoxes i think - and this is annoying - is to wait for nightfall. wait a little longer. and THEN fast travel as close to one as you can. and hope you make it there and kill it before dawn :/

i'm only here to play for a bit (20 minutes, i can't get invested in anything crazy) so i think i'll go see if i can nab the one in hanu pond before the sun rises

got his ass!! i love how fast i can kill minibosses now, it's sooo nice and so much better than always getting my ass kicked like i was before

ok i took a break but before that i warped to kakariko to get two korok seeds i missed AND NOW THERES A SHOOTING STAR. 315am. ill never make it but i have to try!!!!

ok, i actually DID get it but barely...i couldnt see where it was bc it landed behind a hill. now i see that it landed right next to a shrine lol. so im gonna reload & try again (risky) to see if i can save all my stamina food i just used

mission accomplished, back to kakariko. geez lol

the reason i planned this trip was to snag a ylnel. back when i only had 15m to play. unfortunately this was a huge waste of time because there's so much i wanna do before pikmin comes out but i never have any TIME...

2 shrines left in the hebra region...maybe i can knock them out before bed

found a BEAUTIFUL cave with glowing ice and full of colorful mushrooms. map fatigue is one of my biggest critiques for totk so it's always nice to come across something like this

ok i am 2sleepy and i have the dentist tomorrow, so i gotta quit. UGH i'm not gonna have enough time!!!

[timeoverload]

I just wanted to say that I'm not upset anymore about what happened last weekend. I honestly don't have the energy to be angry about anything right now. I realize I never said anything else about it so I'm sorry. I apologize for freaking out. I figured it would be best if I took some time to calm down anyway.

I don't want to be a downer but I'm having a bad week again. I could use a hug right now. I need to talk about stuff because I was having bad thoughts when I was driving home. It has been super busy. Everything is a disaster. Every morning this week I've walked in to find a mess. There are 4 people off this week so that has made things worse. Of course everyone is in a shitty mood and pissed off. I worked 11 hours Monday and Tuesday and 12 today. Almost everyone has been forced to work overtime.

The new computer system isn't making anything easier because it crashes all the time and there are a lot of problems with it. The morning team lead was super pissed off about it this morning. He was throwing a tantrum and yelling. He was trying to record the results for a biological test and the system wouldn't let him because no one logged the information for the control when they put it into the incubator. I was trying to get him to calm down and all he needed to do was put a new control vial into the incubator but he wouldn't listen to me. I offered to open decontam for him because I wanted an excuse to get away even though I still had a ton of stuff to get set up. I get anxious whenever I'm around someone acting aggressively even if their frustration isn't directed towards me.

I think everyone is super tired and people are making a lot of mistakes so we had to flash a bunch of instruments earlier. Somehow I haven't made any major mistakes considering I'm very sleep-deprived so that's good at least.

I remember mentioning a while back that 2 of my co-workers are dating and they fight all the time. It hasn't gotten any better. Today she came up to me and asked me how to get away from an abusive partner because she knew I had been in a similar situation. I was shocked because I didn't realize it was that bad but everything is starting to make sense now. She's dating the same guy that acted really creepy towards me a few months ago. He has always given me bad vibes and I was right not to trust him. He's very manipulative and controlling. I gave her advice and reminded her that she can text me any time. I am going to do my best to help her as much as I can. I'm not afraid to tell him to fuck off if I have to because I've already done it once. It's going to be difficult for her to get away from him since they work the same hours. I'm just glad they don't live together but I really hope he doesn't do anything crazy. I feel horrible for her and no one deserves to get treated that way. I hope things get better for her.

Anyway, the past few days have been a blur. I am glad tomorrow is my Friday. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the day but I know I will. I don't want to think about it anymore right now.

I know I need to try to relax but I'm having a tough time. I can't shut my brain off. I haven't been eating enough this week so it's making me feel like shit too. I wish I had more of an appetite. I will force myself to eat something soon. I am so achy right now. My neck is bothering me a lot and it feels like someone is stabbing needles into my vertebra. I just want to feel better.

I'm sorry for being so negative and complaining so much. I have to talk about stuff so I don't explode.

I still have a lot to do before I go to bed unfortunately. I hope I can get stuff done quickly because I need to try to decompress for a while. I can't focus anymore so I should probably stop writing now. It would be nice if I could go to sleep at a decent time because I'm so tired.

Thank you all for listening to me vent. I really appreciate it. I hope everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

[ember-da-toon]

I just wanted to get this off my chest today,,,

This is a vent post so scroll on by, you don't need to read all this,

Okay, anyway tomorrow will be my last day of school before the holidays and I move up a grade. I've been skipping school the whole week and I'm contemplating on whether I should go or not.

If I go, there's really not much I can do tbh. The teachers aren't going to teach us anything and I'll (unfortunately) be seeing you again next year anyway because apparently we're gonna have the same teachers as last years. And just when I thought being in the middle of a group of K-Pop fans everyday was bad enough, apparently not because most of my teachers aren't the best at teaching. Like, my maths teacher, he had been absent for at least like what, 40% of last year and he crammed all the subjects into an hour every maths period. And my history and religion teacher has been bitches the whole uear too because of course they were.

Aside from just being bored the whole morning, it probably would be better if I weren't at home.

See, my parents had been giving me and my siblings the silent treatment for the whole week and I don't remember why. It was most likely over a small matter but still, thy do the typical stuff like take away the laptop or do the dishes aggressively. I've been skipping dinner with them because why the fuck would I want to be around them in the first place? I've snuck downstairs at around 1 or 2 am even to grab a quick bite from some peanut butter or something before I go back to sleep.

I can't get anything done without my motivation being drowned out by their bad vibes. I can't draw, I can't study properly and I can't just do chores without feeling forced despite them not telling me to.

I- I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I do apeases them anymore, it's never enough, I feel like I never will be. Not with my grades, not with my face and not even being a good example as the oldest sibling.

This week has taken a toll on my mental health lately and I've been contemplating on running away to my friend's house. They said that even their mom would adopt me just to help me get away from them. Their mom thinks my mom is weird too and I'm glad someone else thinks so too. I want to run away so badly.

But I don't have any money, I don't have my bank account yet because they still have a hold of it and I doubt they'll give it to me by the end of the year. How can I make money when I don't have the resources, equipment nor support in general I need. It's not my fault that I am more passionate about art than in science, I love escaping into fantasy books, I love weird, quirky and kooky shit. Why? Because I was raised by TV and an iPad. They left me with it and my grandma and nanny as I explored the internet with no boundaries. I want to leave this house and live with my grandma and aunt in another state. I don't even want to go to college or uni, it's pointless, I'll never get into any, no matter how hard I try....

[lambsearandlavender]

So... my January.

Got incredibly badly triggered in therapy. Had decided in advance to give myself a week off and so just, raw dogged reliving some serious fucking trauma in that time. Think like...I thought my attachments were secure and I unsurfaced a memory that literally took my closest, safest, most loving relationship and snapped it in half. One of two people I trust to never leave or hurt me. And the other one is dead.

So then I didn't sleep for 2 weeks.

So I missed a lot of work.

And I already have intermittent fmla in saying I can miss one day a week because of my pnes seizures. And some weeks I use that for panic attacks instead but whatever. Anyway, lack of sleep and increased panic attacks.

Then right when I was getting better, I got covid. I avoided it for 3 years, but when you work in a school and no one wears masks or takes tests or even stays home when they're sick anymore, well, it's going to happen.

Anyway that means I missed more work. And I'm still very sick and actually only confirmed today at urgent care that it's covid (I knew, but none of my coworkers will take a test anymore because they don't want to have to stay home or they just don't think it could possibly be covid for whatever reason).

And so, in the end, I missed literally 50% of my work days in January. And i am doing fucking everything I can. I am working my ass off as much as is possible, physically without aggravating my cfs/whatever else, mentally while intentionally aggravating my trauma and pnes to heal it long term. There is not a single thing I can be doing better in my life right now. But it's not working, it's all falling apart. I'm a fucking wreck.

My therapist agrees that I'm doing everything i can, which i guess is nice validation because i keep beating myself up over it. Today she told me I'm strong for logging into therapy, with covid, having had a panic attack earlier today, after 2 weeks of not sleeping much. She was like wow, and at your baseline on top of all that you're in pain, but you still logged in to therapy? But what am I supposed to do? My baseline is bad. Things right now are worse. But they never go any better than bad, and I have a home and bills to pay and a job to keep. I need therapy to get better. I know it will sometimes make me worse on the way to better. So you bet your ass I'm going to be there and do that work because it's the only alternative I see to suicide.

That reminds me that I've also gone through all of this fully unmedicated; no antidepressants, heart meds, pain managers, adhd meds, no combating my fatigue, none of it because I was supposed to be off them for a tilt table test tomorrow that I now have to reschedule. And tbh I've actually been really proud of myself because the lack of sleep and anxiety are bad, but they're trauma, and I feel like aside from the trauma responses, my un medicated baseline is better than normal rn? Which is wild because life sucks rn.

Normally on a good day, even a fantastic day, without meds I seriously want to die. Really truly can't stop thinking about it, want to be dead. But the last two weeks it only crosses my mind like twice a day and never too seriously or for too long. That's huge.

But then, back to work - obviously I can't be missing 50%. And unfortunately I don't do the kind of job you can just reduce your hours at, it's full time or nothing. So this isn't sustainable. But there is literally nothing more or better I can be doing about it right now. But today I got an email from hr about obviously being out of compliance with my fmla and that I need to update the paperwork or whatever or there will be disciplinary action.

I guess I have to email my doctor tomorrow. Idk. I'm a fucking mess. I might have more panic attacks about it before I get any sleep tonight. Sigh.

Anyway I also can't really afford to um. Lose my income. But the only thing I can think of to do is fight to finish The school year and then work my ass off over the summer to finish my doula certification and start my business so that at least I have more flexibility and no bosses to answer to about my illness. But. I have to do all that fighting to stay afloat and then all that working my ass off while continuing to be extremely physically and mentally ill, disabled, and dealing with trauma and ptsd. So.

That's when I find myself thinking, maybe I should just die. The odds are so very very against me in every way. I'm tired. I'm working so hard and I'm so burned out and I'm tired. And right now I feel very alone in it.

[lazypetals]

we're back at school bitches and i've been up to my walking all day and staying under my cal limit. let's fucking go. xmas break at home was just full of food and people and i wasn't weighing myself or bodychecking and yeah it was nice and i'm fortunate to have that, but in the back of my mind i felt like shit because i knew that i'd regret every bite of cannoli from that new bakery and eating sandwiches until my stomach felt like it was gonna explode and huge scoops of vanilla ice cream with extra chocolate chips (that i willingly added cause i'm fucking fat) once i got back to school and had more awareness of my body.

it sounds bad but it feels so good. i missed ed youtube. i missed weighing myself every hour and checking my waistline after every sip of water. bodychecking whenever i pee or just getting the urge to bodycheck and going to my mirror to life my shirt up. it's so comforting because i finally know i can do it. i plateaued so hard from 2020 to the first few months of 2021. i was like 160-165 for most of that time. then i got my shit together and it started working, and i finished off my semester and went home in the low 150s and i was so amped. but i went home for 4 months. and i went back to 163 JUST IN TIME TO GO ON MY FIRST SLEEPOVER COTTAGE TRIP AND TOOK PICTURES IN BIKINIS WITH MY FRIENDS THAT THEY ALL POSTED. and they're all so skinny and have those vertical belly buttons and honestly the pics weren't terrible but i look like an absolute blob but i wasn't gonna say that and stop them from posting because that would just make me stand out more. anyway september rolled around, i was back at school, then my grandma died, school was busy and i was just straight up not vibing.

but october -> december.......... im in love. december 2nd 2021. i saw the 140s for the first time since i was 15 years old. my lowest weight ever was around that time, beginning of 2017 when i was delivering newspapers every week and walking like crazy to high school and back. it was 138 pounds. if i could get back to something even close to that i would cry. december 2nd 2021 though was 149.8 pounds. and honestly? i was ecstatic. i bought a scale off facebook marketplace because i couldn't handle being away from the one i had at home and not knowing my weight. december 2nd i met that girl in front of a subway and i practically ran home i was so fucking excited. and to see my lowest weight in literally years, breaking below the 150s.... im still giddy.

I KNOW I CAN DO IT AGAIN. again, unfortunately winter break happened and i left home on jan 17th somewhere around 154 again. but that's okay. because i was 151.4 yesterday/last night and that's exactly where i was on november 27th 2021.

and actually i'm gonna weigh myself right now.

151.2!!!! AND I HAVENT EVEN POOPED IN 2 DAYS OR SLEPT YET IT'S LITERALLY 7:15 AM

im manifesting this for me. i have basically nothing to eat in my fridge or cupboard. the only food i really have rn is:

- assorted bag of oh henry/reese cups/cookies and creme

-cottage cheese

-carton of eggs

-3 cheesestrings

-a small sleeve of 8 crackers

-some cream cheese

-cans of 100cal chicken noodle soup

-some frozen broccoli

-frozen fries

-frozen fish

-hot chocolate powder (i deserve it fuck off)

-teaaaaa

-also some more frozen english muffins (160cal) and other dry pasta to be cooked, tuna cans, just other assorted low cal stuff that takes too much effort to make

it couldn't be easier. when i go in for my lab tomorrow i'm gonna get some cucumbers, cold cut slices (usually like 20-30cal per slice), and cherry tomatoes on the way home. those are my all time safe foods i'm telling you like 2 cold cut slices 2 baby cucumbers and im full for hours it's fucking magical.

wish me luck i cannot WAIT

(i just dont wanna lose all my ass though thats the only thing i have going for me) (it seems fine so far) (but id much prefer finally having skinny arms instead of my stupid thick meaty forearms and basically bingo wings over an ass any day)

peace

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Some Assorted Anon Answers! New Chapter for TB&TB 🐇will be out tomorrow (4/29) at 9PM UTC!

(I have more, but I cannot answer them all right now)

1. This made me so happy. I'm always worried that I get less interaction or that people dislike this format. I know it's not the easiest thing in the world to read them all (since you have to bounce back and forth). But I really hate the idea of spamming everyone's feeds. That's why I try to limit myself to five posts a day. That, and I get shadowbanned very easily.

I hope you're having a wonderful day, too! Thank you for the kind words! You really didn't have to say anything, so I really appreciate that you took time out of your day to say something nice.

2. [TB&TB Spoilers, NSFW] First of all, the fact you did the math for this is admirable and touching. I love you. Second, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is not what happens in Chapter 16! At least, not in the way you probably expect.

But, fret not. Trust me.

3. [NSFW] Heheh. I will say nothing until tomorrow after 9PM UTC.

4. Hi, friend! I'm looking for Diverse OCs. So, any OC that is not the typical short, skinny, pretty white girl, essentially (lmao). Feel free to send whatever! I'll probably add more groups as I find them (like someone sent me some about Abused!Reader and a Reader with cancer).

5. Yes! I've finally finished it. Unfortunately, one of my beta readers had something personal come up and I am SWAMPED at work for the next week, so it'll have to go up on Monday (5/3). Should be up then, though.

6. Awwwe, I'm glad to hear it. It really, honestly makes me sad to reject requests. I know people are just excited to see their daydreams turned to words (that's why I love writing, after all!). I really do try my hardest to find someone willing to take it. A lot of writers are desperately seeking requests, I have a surplus, and they will do a much better job than me.

I'm happy to share the love!!!

7. I admire the fuck outta you!!! Unfortunately I have bad experienced with MBTI thanks to an ex-boyfriend, lmao. I will also say that it's hard for systems, because we have gotten several types. It's almost never consistent. The host has been told she is an ENTP most often. I (Pom) usually get ISFJ.

Yeah. lmao. It makes sense, considering the host is a lawyer (Debator type) and I am a caretaker (Defender type).

That being said, I'm generally very critical of the roots of the MBTI tests. They were created by non-scientists and intended to be utilized purely for profit and corporate greed. But I know personality tests are just for fun, and I like to use them for character development sometimes!

Also, if you ask me, I think you're killing the Tumblr thing. I'm so glad you're here and I hope you continue to enjoy yourself for many days to come!

You truly matter, too ❤️

8. [NSFW] Ah! I am so excited for Fuzzy Pants!!! It's going to be so freaking cute!!!

9. I have absolutely no idea what this is in reference to, but I am honored, and I love you, too. 🥰

[sailor-freak]

Girls in the Park (GWSN): THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MOON - Album Review

(image source)

Alright then, let's get into this... IT'S A LOT.

(I've actually had to put triggers in the tags... I only mention them by name and don't go in depth but yeah I'll play it safe)

Burn - A VERY SOLID START this was a unit song between Miya, Seoryoung, Anne and Lena (they chose Miya and Seoryoung my 2 biases hhh), but was the shortest song so it works really well as a start to this album. It was kinda slow, intense, had an almost haunting sound? Definitely some sparky fiery vibes in the sound, and the use of autotune and vocal effects getting into it REALLY lifted it up. It was a sudden end after the second chorus, but it serves as an intro song to this album so I think it works. Again, very solid start.

I Can't Breathe - I'll start of by saying, with the teasers and concept a lot of us were expecting this album to be a little dark... WE DID NOT EXPECT THIS DARK. I'll get into the lyrics soon, but musically this again has a haunting sound and is now paired with lower toned vocals and even more intense backing vocals, and the way they have sudden silence and words like "wake" and "daytime" AND THE FUCKING BREATH AT THE END OF THE CHORUS ohhhh it hits. And the actual lyrics, looking at a piss poor google translation of the Korean parts they seem to be singing about a loss of self identity and made even self worth? And then the English lyrics, "sacrificial lamb", "death by drowning"?? KBS DIDN'T BAN THIS I'M NOT MAD I JUST WANNA KNOW WHY 😂. I think this is my favourite song on the album, there's another that comes close second and that one's also unbelievably dark 😂.

Like It Hot - THE TITLE TRACK I haven't done a post on the MV but I did give thoughts on Twitter when it came out, this song I guess is the one for the non-GWSN stans? It's not generic, at least not in my opinion, I think it does something with a bad style and makes it good. It starts with that kind of slower vibey sound, it builds slightly but stays pretty consistent, until the chorus hits and it is QUITE A CHANGE, it becomes more up tempo, the vibey sounds leave and it's more of a funky bass guitar sound, however unlike a lot of songs that use this trend the two sounds still fit together? They're different but they're both funky and dancey, the sounds will stick in your head. Considering they're nearly at 3 years without a huge fandom, a song like this could be really good for them, using modern trends but not completely changing and losing themselves to try and be popular. Also Miya singing in the bridge my heart 😭.

e i e i o - Okay this is another one with a lot to unload... uhh so this is a song about torture? Just as a song, it's fucking TERRIFYING if you think about it, they're using this twisted blend of children's songs and death threats, Lena legit sings head shoulders knees and toes it's REALLY twisted. Lyrically there's mentions of nightmares, chasing, and there's musical elements of childish melodies and dark intense electronic sounds. At the beginning and end there's literally an "e i e i o" chime sound like the nursery rhyme, it's used in a playful way which paired with the lyrics is truly CHILLING dark GWSN is here and we should all be scared, full on this song was banned by KBS FOR REAL.

Starry Night - I think this is more of a sad song than a dark song, it's not super slow and super somber but lyrically it's more about loneliness in general rather than the dark breeding of I Can't Breathe. Musically it's just kinda nice? It stands out to me more cos it really reminds me of Actually this is a secret by ZN of LABOUM, and while the vocals are really nice if it wasn't for the fact it sounds a lot like that song (they had the same producer it's okay I can say it lol) it wouldn't be as memorable to me. It's great, I LOVE it, but in an album that has sacrificial lambs and e i e i fucking o it's not gonna hold up as high to me unfortunately.

I Sing (lalala) - Honestly this song is kind of what I expected it to be, a mid tempo slightly jazzy song, it's a common type of song at least in the groups I stan (SNSD Love Is Bitter, Nine Muses Hate Me, Dreamcatcher Jazz Bar), so I guess along with Starry Night it doesn't stand out as much to me, but it's still such a sweet song 😂. I have to talk about Miya tho, first of all SHE SINGS AND IT'S GORGEOUS, and then ofc you get her rap WHICH HAS A LINE IN JAPANESE I'm so happy for her 😭. This song was also banned by KBS for the Japanese line (which ffs e i e i o I understood that shit is dark but a line in Japanese warranting the whole song being banned not okay) which is a shame cos I think this would have been a nicely promoted song with Like It Hot, but oh well.

Okay, overall thoughts, GOOD SWEET LORD THIS WAS DARK. I would say dark for GWSN, but... they sang about drowning and torture legit I don't even think Dreamcatcher could ever and they're VERY dark 😂. So this is an interesting album, I am liking this darker direction and if they continued with songs like this in the future I would be rather content 😂. But GWSN could release anything and I'd love it all their songs are so good 😭. Favourites, I Can't Breathe and e i e i o, least favourites Starry Night and maaaaaaybe Burn, but they're all such good songs 😭. Music show promotions start tomorrow and I am absolutely not prepared I'm gonna be getting up 8am every day for as long as these promotions go on 😂. Doesn't sound bad, recently my wake up time has ranged from half 9 to half 11 😂.

[radiorenjun]

Lavender Antics.

→ Pairing: Han Jisung X Reader

→ Summary: Shooting in a drama with him was your absolute nightmare. Working with your enemy and pretending that you were love interests has been the most frustrating experience of your life. Though, after saying your farewells, the scent of lavender never leaves.

→ Genre:enemies to lovers au, idol au, romance, angst, slowburn.

→ Warnings: Very hurtful words. Antics. Mentions of insecurity. Alcohol, Swearing, Making out. Suggestive?

→ Word Count:

→ Chapters: 1, 2, 3

You tucked your phone in your pocket as you entered the dance studio to be greeted by your group members stretching and warming up. "Hey y/n!" they greeted in unison, making you smile at how their cheerful aura greeted your exhausted figure. "Hi," you replied shortly, dropping your dufflebag near theirs on the floor.

"How was filming?" Jaehwa asked, letting out a groan when Haneul pushed her back down as she did a split. "The usuals: Jeongin being a crackhead, the director shoving it into our faces that we're going to Tokyo, that donkey being insufferable. Same as always," you chuckle, joining them as you stretched your arms.

"Oh yeah! I forgot you're leaving for Tokyo soon. When are you going again?" Cheonsa exclaimed, massaging her ankles. "Honestly, first Cheonsa was on hiatus. Now you're on hiatus just for some drama film?" Jaehwa chuckled. You rolled your eyes at Kiyeon before answering Cheonsa's question, "Im leaving in two days. I'll be out of your hair for a whole month so enjoy it while you can," you joked.

"Believe me, I know I will." Kiyeon responded, taking a sip of her caffeine. "Oh hush, you'll miss me when I leave." you snickered as you hit her shoulder playfully. "Since you're leaving your dearest best friends behind for some dick, you better treat us to something tomorrow." Cheonsa exclaimed.

"I want steak!" she added with a bright smile. You lifted your fist as if you were gonna punch her, sucking your lip into your mouth as you growled out. "Why you lil-" Jaehwa sat up from her split and patted your thigh, "don't kill anyone just yet, y/n. You still have alot to live for. Plus I don't wanna be the one getting you out of prison," she sighed.

"Cheonsa's not wrong though. You should treat us to something before you leave," Haneul nodded in agreement, making Cheonsa let out a victory cheer at her statement. "I agree. Last time, y'all completely ditched me in that restaurant leaving me to pay that tremendous bill when you all said we were gonna split it!" Kiyeon grumbled.

"It was all planned, by the way." you smirked with a chuckle. "It was Cheonsa's idea for a prank, too." Jaehwa smiled with a nod. Kiyeon glared at our leader who was giving her an innocent peace sign. "Man, I'm really gonna miss you guys when I'm in Tokyo." you sighed, laying your cheek on your palm as your elbow stood on your thighs.

"Of course you will, you can't live without us." Kiyeon chuckled, giving a soft punch to your shoulder. "And Im leaving," you pretended to stand up as the girls chuckled at your reaction. You giggled as you retreated to your former position. "Man, who am I going to talk to in Tokyo when you idiots aren't there?" you whined.

"Yang Jeongin? Or that makeup artist, she looks really nice when I came to visit you on set." Haneul suggested. "Stop acting as if it's the end of the world, you fucking drama queens. Video chatting and texting exists, too, you know." Jaehwa patted your back. You smiled softly at your friends.

"Wait, you're saying that y/n isn't going to die? Damn, I made a whole song and funeral and everything." Cheonsa said in a sardonic tone, causing the whole group to laugh. "You wish. You're stuck with me, get used to it." you wrapped your arm around her shoulder and pulled her to a side hug.

"I really hope our contract ends soon." Cheonsa uttered jokingly. "Very funny," you rolled your eyes with a smile on your face. "By the way, have you heard that Chen-sunbaenim is getting married?" Haneul gossiped in a dramatically posh-popular girl tone. "Oh my god, what? Ugh, I can't believe some girl took away my sunbae," you mocked her tone.

"Isn't Sehun your bias, though?" Kiyeon laughed. You nodded with a laugh, dropping the whole fancy act, "though, it wasn't a surprise, really. I mean, whenever I walk by there's always this girl he keeps hanging out with, I'm guessing that's her." you informed.

"Can't believe we're gossiping bout our seniors." Jaehwa shook her head with a chuckle. "What? It's already made public, it's basically the trending topic of the hour. I hope I get invited though, I wanna see my childhood idol get married. God, we're becoming old, girls!" Cheonsa whined, flapping her hands aimlessly.

"You're becoming old, that is. I'm still younger than you," you teased. "Oh hush, just because I have a boyfriend doesn't mean I'm getting old for fucks sake. You're probably gonna date that Jisung guy in the future, just wait and see." she tutted with a point of her finger. You pretended to gag, laying a palm on your chest as you stuck your tongue out in disgust. "No thank you," you croaked dramatically.

"I rather date, Shrek, himself than that stubborn cheesecake stealing donkey." you clenched your jaw angrily. "You know, he's not that bad. From what I see in interviews, he looks like a really nice guy to hang out with," Kiyeon shrugged, taking her coffee cup to her lips.

"That is, if he doesn't hate you for no absolute reason!" you exclaimed, flailing your hands up dramatically. "Well, it seems like you hate him too so you're both in the wrong." she smirked. "I do hate him, if that wasn't clear. But he started it first! If he wasn't such a dick then maybe I would've considered him a friend!" you huffed.

"You're being over dramatic. What did he do that was so bad to make you hate him anyways?" Jaehwa rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh. You paused, recalling the unpleasant memory, "I don't wanna talk about that." you mumbled, looking at your hands.

"Jesus Fucking Christ," Kiyeon grumbled. "Shouldn't we practice?" she asked. "We should, but we really need a break so let's just slack off for a while and get back to practise in a couple of minutes." Haneul suggested. Cheonsa was about to retort when her phone rang, her face lit up at the sight.

"The bf is calling, do what you want. But when I get back, be prepared to be trained hard vocally and physically." she chuckled, walking out of the room with her phone vibrating like crazy in hand. As the door swung shut, there was a peaceful yet awkward moment of silence. "So what now?" you asked.

"Have you packed yet?" Haneul asked, ignoring your question. You scratched your head at the thought, "kinda, but most of my clothes that I already packed are just sweaters and shorts." you shrugged. "I'll help you pack once we get back to the dorm, you always under pack and borrow my clothes or shop for really tacky ones in supermarket stores." Jaehwa laughed.

"Oh hush, I just like wearing comfy clothes!" you chuckled. "Unfortunately for you, comfy clothes isn't an option for this comeback." she grinned with a snap, causing you to roll your eyes at her statement. "Shut up," you groaned.

The door opened slightly, attracting your attention as Cheonsa's head poked through. "Hey girls, I'm about to go to the other dance studios real quick, alright?" she informed with an excited smile before exiting the room once again, grabbing her waterbottle in the process without letting any of us respond to her.

"Appointing her as our leader was the number one worst mistakes of our careers," you announced aloud, causing the girls to laugh and nod in agreement. "Couldn't agree more, y/n. Couldnt agree more," Jaehwa laughed.

A few seconds later, the door opened once again and Cheonsa's head poked into the room. "By the way, you're really gonna treat us to food right?" she grinned with a hopeful and teasing glint in her expression. You chuckled, waving your hand to dismiss her as she laughed and exit the door.

"Guys, is that really necessary?" you chuckled, looking at your members after you checked if your passport and ticket was there. Your members had thoughtfully decided to drop you off at the airport, while wearing unessecary disguises such as a Mona Lisa costume, a moustached detective, Dwayne Johnson's face duct taped to a clown mask and Oli London's face carved from cardboard.

"Yes it is. It's important for us to not be recognized by the public and drop our little y/n off to school." Kiyeon responded, shamelessly fidgeting with her detective hat. "If you guys are gonna walk out looking like that, not only y'all are gonna get recognized by the people, you'll also embarrass me and cause more drama online!" you laughed, crossing your arms as you entered the airport gate.

"Hush, I'm parking the car. You don't want me to make this long and miss your flight do you?" Cheonsa gave you the stink eye through the rearview mirror, gazing at your through her long wig. "Honestly, y'all are gonna be accused as weirdos and get escorted out." you pursed your lips as the car stopped.

"What's so wrong bout wanting to drop off our member?" Jaehwa asked, nudging your shoulder as she shifted her Oli London mask back on to cover her face. "Thank you for the ride," you rolled your eyes and stepped out of the vehicle, quickly grabbing your suitcases and running off before your members could spot you.

As you ran, you lifted your phone to call your manager, informing him where you are. "I'm in the station already, where are you?" you asked, looking around as it was almost 10 minutes til boarding time. "You what?" you gaped at your managers response.

"Hey ugly!" a familiar voice yelled through the crowded room. You winced at the sound of the voice and chuckled nervously at your manager, "you couldn't just come here yourself?" you exclaimed nervously. "Right, you have to check on the other staff." you nodded before rubbing the space inbetween your eyes, ignoring the voice yelling your name behind you that was getting louder and louder.

"Hey ugly!" Jisung exclaimed, showing his pearly white teeth as he layed a hand on your shoulder. You glared at him, giving him the stink eye at the nickname which caused him to chuckle. He has been calling you thathighly insultive nickname since that scene you had to do with you being pushed to a puddle of mud, smearing your face in it.

Playing the role of the bullied popular girl has never been so tough when Jisung became your real life bully. "Hello donkey," you spat as your manager spoke his last words bout checking the VIP tickets and hanging up without giving you a second to reason with him.

"Im here to pick you up!" he chuckled, his heart shaped lips forming a bright smile that never left his face. You shuddered before gripping the handle of your suitcase tightly, "I am very much aware, thank you very much." you answered with a shaky breath.

"Let me help you with your suitcase," his hand reached to grab one or your suitcase which you slapped away due to your suspicion. "I don't trust you enough with my suitcase, who knows you might leave it here when we board." You said with a raise of your eyebrow.

He frowned at your words, his lips forming a scowl before he rolled his eyes. "I was just trying to be nice, sheesh, don't need to be a bitch about it." he shot back, pulling the straps of his backpack to his shoulder before leading you forward to where the rest of the cast were sitting.

You felt his hand hit your back gently, you flinched at the contact looking back at him as you cursed in response. "What the fuck was that for?" you exclaimed, looking back at Jisung. Jisung just looked at you with an unbothered expression, "Chill out, Ms.Y/n. I'm being nice here, there was a bug on your back and I took care of it for you," he rolled his eyes.

"You're welcome." He smirked, crossing his arms as you glared at him suspiciously before sitting down with a nod. You continued to speak with your co-worker, Yeoreum, who was playing the role of your bully. Despite her role, she's an absolute sweetheart.

"I see you and Jisung are bickering, once again." Yeoreum smirked, offering you a lollipop which you happily accepted. "Im not surprised anymore, it's become a daily routine now." you sighed, sipping your lemon tea. "Your members didn't come to say goodbye?" she asked, "I wanted to see them before we leave."

"Trust me, they did. They dropped me off and dressed up as if tonight's Halloween or something. But to be honest, if I didn't leave them alone I would've been bombarded with more paparazzis than I was three minutes ago," you chuckled, showing her a picture of them with their ridiculous costumes on your phone.

She burst out laughing, grabbing your phone in her hands. "When we arrived at the hotel, we're definitely video chatting them to see if they still have those ridiculous outfits on, right?" she smirked. "I don't know... Im probably gonna feel to tired to even open my eyes," you joked, earning a strong push from her.

"Y/n!" she whined, shaking your figure vigorously. Jeongin groaned, feeling interrupted from his game. "Director-nim! Yeoreum is bullying me!" you laughed, whining playfully. "Would you guys shut up, you're distracting us from our game!" Jisung complained as he tried to focus what's happening on the screen of the Nintendo Switch before him.

"Shut up, donkey." you chuckled as you lined up for the VIP section of the plane. You heard Jisung snickering behind you, only to be smacked by a disappointed Jeongin who was shaking his head in disapproval. "Honestly, why are you like this?" he mumbled.

"Shut up," Jisung laughed, nudging his friend as you continued to walk towards your seat, subtly giving him a look filled with suspicion. "What's wrong with him?" you muttered to yourself, sucking your lollipop as you sat down next to one of the staff who was already fast asleep.

You plucked in your earphones and fidget in your seat to get into a comfortable position, you turned on your favorite playlist and relaxed in your seat, drifting off to sleep in a matter of minutes.

You stretched as you exited the plane and entered the airport, reuniting with the rest of the cast. Jisung was giggling behind you despite his tired eyes boring into yours. You raised your brow, "what are you laughing bout?" you asked with a croaky voice.

"It's 2 in the morning, what could you possibly be laughing bout?" you repeated in a cranky tone. He giggled before shaking his head at you, continuing to grab his suitcases. You huffed at the peculiar boy giggling away infront of you, rubbing your eyes to try and wake yourself up a lil bit more til you arrive at the hotel.

"Hey y/n. Is that sign on your back always there?" Yeoreum asked, dragging her suitcase behind her, pointing at your back. Your eyes widened as your arms quickly reach to venture your back, feeling a piece of paper taped to the fabric of your hoodie.

You gripped it and pulled it away from your hoodie, taking a closer look at the slightly crumpled paper. "What the fuck?" you whispered under your breathe almost inaudibly. Written in bold letters was a big 'KICK ME' in an oh-too familiar handwriting.

You growled, crumpling the piece of paper and tossing it into a garbage bin. "Han Jisung, I am going to slaughter you!" you exclaimed, running up to him who surprisingly ran for his life. Due to your lack of sleep, you were a little slower than him so you gave up.

You spotted him hiding behind his manager, his head poking out. He looked at you with eyes wide awake, grinning like the cheeky bastard he is, you raised a fist at him. He stuck his tongue out playfully at your small threat. You raised a middle finger at him in response.

"Alright then, once the bus to the hotel arrives, sleep as much as you can. We're going to start filming late this noon til midnight, so get all the rest you can." the director announce with a yawn, going through the files and looking at his wrist watch.

The whole staff groaned including you who was checking your phone, notifying your parents and members bout your safety. "I take it back, I'm gonna be sleeping like a pig for the next ten hours" you groaned at your costar. "Geez, weak." Jisung chuckled before yawning into his mouth.

"Im sorry, Mr donkey. I didn't order a glass of your opinion," you rolled your eyes at him. As the bus came to a stop infront of you, you yawned taking the first step with Jisung half asleep beside you. You chuckled to yourself at the sight of the older boy yawning and rubbing his sleepy eyes.

This was going to be a long month.

[dolphin-enthusiast]

bună seara, dragă mea 🌹🌜✨ ahh i hope i wrote that correctly,, another romanian friend of mine taught me that haha, he teaches me romanian phrases in exchange for me teaching him bits of italian ☀ ah, so much to address no? well, i'll just start off by saying i wasn't expecting my friend to expose my problems like that,, i'm not mad at all, just surprised. let me first say that i am okay as of writing this. i have eaten and hydrated and have been taking naps all day, i am stable. (1/9)

"my older brother and other siblings have been taking good care of me, and two of my friends came to sneak me out of the house for a bit and bought me food. so i am fairly calm right now (2/9)

now then, about that person, it was just some texts i woke up to that caught me off guard, my friends are apparently planning to go after this person, even though i insisted on not making this a big deal, and frankly i didn't wanna worry you all either, i feel bad when i do. (3/9)

sadly i hear a lot of horrid things directed at me on a daily basis, so this is quite ordinary and there's not much i can do about it, i cope by trying to stay positive for others and be as kind/loving as i can since i usually don't have people to treat me that way, you're quite the exception, what i thought of as a stupid question blossomed into something i could never imagine, and i was shocked to see how everyone, including you, took to me quite quickly (and not in a joking way either) (4?/9)

i'm not used to it at all, so i mean it from the bottom of my heart when i say that everything you guys say and do means the world to me, i get overwhelmed with positive emotion when you all treat me so sweetly, i truly couldn't ask for anything more. that being said, i wasn't planning to open up about my mental health on this account (since i don't wanna talk about these dark subjects when trying to brighten other's days),, (5/9)

but i guess it's warranted now so hopefully you all can understand me better and not worry as much, i suffer from multiple mental illnesses, two different depressive disorders, an anxiety disorder, and body dysmorphia, some from genetics and others from trauma. i try to keep it on the down-low to not bring down anyone's moods, so i be as cheerful as i can. i'm professionally treated for it, so please don't fret. it really went downhill during the start of this pandemic and declined since (6/9)

i was absolutely miserable, and having dealt with many s*icid*l tendencies, self hatred, and lots of destructive habits, i was truly falling apart my sister introduced me to your blog sometime in january, and even though i did not have a tumblr, i still greatly enjoyed checking it everyday with her and requesting things from time to time, it's a nice escape from the world i live in, and after months of checking your blog, i decided to interact a bit more with that silly ask of mine. (7/9)

it really is a miracle that we formed such a bond, it's truly the best thing to have happened this year, i love having such a meaningful connection and getting to experience some positivity everyday i am completely serious when i say that you and the followers give me something to look forward to everyday, and you all have helped me to stay a little longer on this planet. i owe you all so much for that, so i still plan on popping up everyday to cheer you all up,, (8/9)

i could never thank you all enough, you all truly do mean the world to me 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 i can't wait to come back tomorrow with something more lighthearted, so please keep being extraordinary, because i'd hate to lose connection with any of you - from the bottom of my heart and soul, with much love, your local waifu xoxo 💘 ps: i can't wait to hopefully meet someday morgy darling, there's lots i'd love to do, so that's another reason for me to stay alive a little longer 💞 (9/9)"

Dear this is quite alot so i'll just start by saying that im flattered u greeted me in romanian😳✌️ i dont wanna pull a ghiaccio but although dragă does exist in this context it would be more like "bună seara dragA mea" but it really doesnt matter bc my wig is snatched and i was n o t expecting this ddhxhddj

Trivial matters aside, you shouldnt feel pressured into opening up on here even though some things surfaced but you did it nonetheless and im proud of u bc i myself would rather y e e t than talk abt myself and personal issues🤡🤡🤡 but aNywAyS let me start off by saying that again, you shouldnt get used to horrid things being said to u. Its fucking tragic that u get treated like this meanwhile all u do is be kind and care for others, but them treating u like that is entirely THEIR fault and u should never feel guilty for it. And keep telling others if shit happens (including us if u want) since we're all gonna do some good ol' as whooping @ the ppl that talk shit😤👋

I wont reveal much but just so you know i completely understand what you're going through and felt what you described in ur letter on a spiritual level, although i know just saying "i relate" doesnt really help. Its unfortunate and unfair ur goin thru this and yes i agree the pandemic did only worsen things (even for myself) and its really shitty🗿🗿im glad u at least had siblings that took care of u and made sure u felt better in no time doe

As always seeing u say that me and my blog cheered u up and motivated u to go on truly is smth like...w o w i never expected any of this to have such a major impact on anyone when i first made this blog as half of a joke lmao hdhxxhdj but im glad it helped u and other ppl so that means i'll just have to keep on running it😳😳😳 you really dont have to thank us for anything since we enjoy brightening up ur day and i have to ageee it IS a miracle how all of this came to be but thats exactly why its goddamn wig snatching ahsydjdkf

Also bro to say u have another reason to stay alive just to meet me....😞😞 Take care of urself bro

[anochuu]

Idol!Taehyung x Reader

⤷ Genre: angst,fluff,humour

⤷Idol!Taehyung x Reader

⤷Summary: (Y/n) thought she could make it without having the world’s most favourite boy by her side even though she can call him officially hers. This wavy relationship always had its ups and downs.

Part 1, Part 2

Being in a relationship with an idol was never easy and the whole world knows that obviously.(y/n) is anxious and terrified every time he takes her out for a date but with the paparazzis have their eyes on everywhere is harder than taking an entrance examination.In result she never got the relationship she always wanted- hold hands in public, taking on vacations together just the simple domestic lives,really. But all they can do now is just contacting through text messages, sees each other through video calls.

It was selfish of her of course to ever think of ending the relationship but she loves him too much to do it however her heart is aching so bad. This issue is always the major problem of their heated arguments,their endless fights until one day it happen again in unfortunate way.

"Be my girlfriend."

Ha?

(Y/n) almost choked on the milk tea she is having for a short break.She looks up to see Yuta staring right into her eyes with a smile but serious gaze along with it. She gulps the liquid whilst wiping her lips,

"What?" Was all she managed to choked,

"Be my girlfriend,you know i like you since months ago." The Japanese bluntly pointed out.

"Very funny,Yuta." She tries to brush it off,averting his gaze trying to play it cool.

"I'm serious,(y/n)" He leans in, propping his folded arms onto the table

"I mean-you're beautiful,funny and talented hells,you're a girl every guys wanted,this is my chance,isn't it?"

Her cheeks heated up,clearing her throat, "Thanks Yuta but you know—i uhm..."

I already have a boyfriend

With his eyes staring intently at her waiting impatiently for the answer, she grew even more nervous,she have to look for an excuse!

"I'm not really..in the time to look for a relationship right now you see.."

"Hmm.." The male nod in understanding with a hum, "If you feel like one,give me a call,yeah?" He teased but meant it at the same time causing her to burst out into laughter

"In your dreams,Nakamoto."

"It's fine to dream then if there is you in it," He shrugs, "The guys next door are going out tonight and asked me whether you wanted to join us."

"You mean Lucas and Johnny?" She blinks at the sudden change of topic but thanking God too.

He nodded once more, "Yep, Taeyong and the others will be there too."

"Uhh," Her mind began to think,will he permit her to do so? I mean it is just a harmless outing with the gangs and her close friends.

"I'll think about it."

"Alright,give me a call whenever you changed your mind okay?"

"I will,thanks Yuta!"

That night again it was only a phone call she receives from her boyfriend,the only thing that hinders her from going out with her friends was just to wait calls from him.

"How are you today?" Was the same questions all over again ever since they were apart.

"Same old same old, are you still busy?"

"Well,our comeback's just a month ago so yeah,pretty much.”

Why doesn't he sounded sorry at all? a pain ache inside her heart

"The crews and Bang PD-nim wants to get a small dine out together tomorrow night to celebrate the awards yesterday."

"A dine out?" Her ears perks up.

"Yeah,probably just another drinking night."

"Uhm," She bit her lower lip hesitantly, "Is it possible for you to take the day off then?"

"What?"

"You know—we can celebrate it just the two of us..?"

She heard him hums in thinking, "I don't know.."

Her heart sinks, "Is it a must to go though?"

"Of course it does,(y/n)" He chuckles, "It's the boys' and the crews' hard work so it's duly for us to celebrate all together."

"What about me? I supported you guys from behind too,no?" She found herself frowning,her forehead wrinkled in slow anger.

"Yes,absolutely,but i can't-"

"It's been  three months,Taehyung. Three." She sighs heavily.

The other line was quiet for a moment, "I know,baby..just hang on a bit more,m'kay?"

"Until how long Taehyung-ah?" She runs her fingers through her hair locks

"Soon,i promise."

If he doesn't have time for her now,then was it fine for her to go out too with her friends? Supposedly it will be the same too as him isn't it? Not that she is thinking this is a revenge but the fact that her boyfriend is a global superstar  stops her from doing her free activities with her friends just to wait for him for at times he is asking for an impromptu dates. But now that she knows his plans for the next few days ahead, there must be no mistake in going out for a drink at night

"I was thinking to go out tonight with my friends."

"Oh? Who?"

"Erm.."

Okay,she have to think fast!

"Jisoo and the girls from next door,probably some guys too."

"And where to?"

"I don't know,she said probably the Viking bar or Fox's she said."

The other line went quiet again and she anticipated what's to come from him next,

"Taehyung?"

"Do you have to go though?"

Instinctively she almost scoffed,

"I'm not asking for permission,Taehyung. I am contemplating with myself."

"You're a girl—you shouldn't got home so late at night."

"News flash Mister,there's this thing called taxi." She huffs.

"And what about the guys? Are you sure it's safe to drink with them?"

"Of course,they're the one who will probably takes care of us,girls instead."

"Somehow i don't trust them."

"Oh my God,are you even listening to yourself? You just said you will be out drinking too tomorrow night!"

"With the boys!"

"And so am i! I'll do whatever i want!" She admits she sounded like a little child but the fact he forbids her from going out with her friends is just ridiculous. She hangs up the phone even before he could utter another words.

She is fuming and she uses that chance to determine getting full make up on and even the bestest outfit to be out and about on weekend night.The music blaring throughout the whole dim room, flashes of rainbow lights swept across the air, the dance floor are crowded so there is no way in hell she would squeeze herself in when she can just grab drinks by the bars.

Yuta,true to his words did bring the whole crew of his friends probably not knowing she have a boyfriend either tries to be a wingman or he flirted with her himself.The girls hit the dance floor leaving (y/n) alone with alcohol drinks in her hand, chatting with the guys especially Taeyong and another one of his pal named Jaehyun. It is so obvious they tries to get under her sleeves, their rag couldn't be more clearer than a day.

"How can a girl like you still single?"

"How can a girl like you still a virgin?"

Taeyong shot a glare towards Lucas, "Be more rude why don't you?"

She laughs, "Why not? I'm saving myself for the best."

"That's fucking tempting." Hummed Yuta beside her, wrapping an arm over her waist but only for (y/n) to slap his hands away,

"Hands off,Nakamoto."

"Oooh rejected bro!" cooed Mark from the other side,.

"It was hard to believe though,she must be lying. Who's the man?" Jaehyun interjected, and she faked a gasp,

"You don't believe me?"

"Well-you're the senior we all look up to. Hells how many guys were drooling over you in our class. All they talk about how Senior (y/f/n) passes by the hallways and all went nuts."

Well, the confidence that she have the looks does have it in her but she never expresses it outwardly. That is one of the reason why Kim Taehyung caught his eyes on her on the first sight;sure he said pretty face doesn't matter but she is having them just in case.

"That's sweet, but don't get your hopes up. As you said,i might already have a boyfriend." She smirks and some of the guys lets out a dejected howl, at this point she is on the brink of her drunkenness, the vodka comes repeatedly with the whiskey and cocktails as she lost track of time with the guys.

Her head feels too heavy eventually, the drowsiness slowly overcome her body and sight, everything starts to spin in her eyes as she let her body swayed to the side to rest her head on someone's shoulder,

"You okay?" Ask the person,and she nodded with eyes closed,

"Yeah, i'm fine Taeyong.Just tipsy." That's a lie. Most part of her chooses to drown herself in alcohols was too ignore the aching feeling she have encroaches inside her heart; how sad she is when she could be spending time with her boyfriend now but he is too buys entertaining the world.

Is she making the right decision? Will this relationship last? Will he love her forever when he got all the loves from the fans countless more?

"(Y/n)," Called Taeyong, draping an arm over her back to let her fall on his chest comfortably,

"You can't be this adorable when you rejected everyone of us." She heard him sigh.

"Ouw-hey! What the hell man!?"

But his sudden outburst causes (y/n) to frown, pulling herself up to a straight sitting position and forcing both her heavy eyelids up to see what is all the commotion about. Through her half-lidded eyes, she saw a man stand right before her, trailing her sight up to see the very familiar young man ,glaring at the latter beside her. The others already stood on their horses, ready to defend their friend.

"Get your hands off my girlfriend." He growls, releasing the threatening grip on Taeyong's wrist before shoving him away.

"Who the fuck are you?" Yuta and Mark stood up defensively, their fists forms on each of their sides.

He ignores them,dropping to his knee to level the same face as her,

"I'm taking you home." He said and (y/n) frowns with a pout, trying to study the familiarity of his face,

"Excuse me sir, you look very alike with someone i know but...i couldn't quite put my finger on it." She slurred between her hiccups.

He heave out a heavy sigh, "This is why i never let you have a friends drinking night out." He grab her elbow, trying to pull her up from the couch, "Get up, we're going home."

"No!" She childishly retort, "I am waiting for my scotch!"

"You are having none,get up i said." 

She threw tantrums then, "Well,fine! I am waiting for Kim Taehyung! So bugger off,mister!" She crosses her arms across her chest with a 'hmph!'.

The male curses underneath his breath, and when that name was heard out loud and clear enough for the others,they starting to recognises him even through the dim light of this clubbing.

"Holy shit," Johnny was the first one to gasp, "He is Kim Taehyung."

"What?"

"Impossible! As in from BTS group!?"

"Dude,look at him! In front of our own naked eyes!" 

"Why..is he here though?"

"I'm here to get my girlfriend,mind to help moving her arse?"

"But, (y/n) told us she doesn't have a boyfriend." Yuta pipes in,still reeling from the shock.

"Yeah," He sighs this time, his gaze softens at her face, "I told her to."

Everyone then went silent, only took them a couple of seconds to understand the complicated situations between them.

"(Y/n)," Taehyung call her name again, she looks up sleepily, a grin then broke through her expression,

"Oh my! If it isn't Kim Taehyung! Ooooooh i must be dreaming~" She sang, poking her fingers on his shoulder.

"Alright, night's over." He hoist the drunk female up and threw her over his shoulder,

"I'm flying wheeeeeee~!" 

"She is so wasted alright." Jaehyun mutters.

"I trust you guys could keep your words here unless you want your senior's life to be doomed." He darts his eyes around, each sending them a piercing glance as an indirect threats.

"Good." With that he left.

He lie her down on the back of the passengers' seats before then drove back to the apartment they are sharing.

"The elephant's moving so fast.." He heard her mumbling at the back,

"It's flying." Which he respond nonchalantly with a flat tone.

"Like me?"

"Yeah,like you."

She burst into a fit of giggles, "I can fly! Does that mean i can fly to see my boyfriend,mister?"

Taehyung's heart drop as her giggling subsided gradually, once in a while his eyes taking glimpses of her form at the back through the rear mirror,

"I can finally see my Tae then~! Do you think he will be happy to see me?"

He didn't answer,

"But he doesn't look happy whenever i visited him," She pouted before adding more complaints, "My boyfriend is toooooo handsome so it is no surprise the whole world loves him." She giggles again through her hiccups,

"He is always away so i rarely see him,the last time we had sex was 6 months ago!" That almost made Taehyung choked on his own spit.

"I miss him so muuuuch.." She sang nonchalantly, "Hey,mister. Can you drive me to Japan? Ah,wait never miiiind.... he will hate me if i show up unannounced again.."

Why is she making these assumption herself?

"I just—" He then heard her sniffling, a drastic change, "I just wanna see him...is that bad,mister?"

"(Y/n).." he softly calls her.

"Hey..." She toss around at the back, acting strange, "I don't feel so good..."

"What—OH MY GOD, (Y/F/N)!"

He couldn't help but to mutter curses underneath his breath as he cleans the car's jock, wearing his black mask to avoid the smell wafted into his nostrils which made him almost vomiting too. He can't believe she would be throwing her last lunch out from her stomach right at the wrong timing and place!

After he was done, he made his way up to the apartment and into the room to find the female tossing on the bed with groans escaping from her lips,

"It's too hot.." She complaints, few buttons of her pyjamas where Taehyung had wiped and changed her into came off,probably pulling on them.

He sigh, "Don't take it off,you'll catch a cold."

"Hoooot~" She whines as he catches both her hands to pull her down and lay on the soft mattress beside him.

"Is it just me or the sun is looking at me?"

"Get some sleep,baby." He pull her close, securing an arm over her hips and back, his thumb caresses its length on her skin.

"Hmm.." She hums, when she bury herself onto his chest seeking for his warmth and comfort he finally relaxes. The next thing he knew was the soft snore from the girl.

He stare down at her profile, her eyelash casts shadows over her pale cheeks and he couldn't help but to run his thumb over the soft skin of hers.

"I'm sorry," He apologizes though he is sure she is sound asleep, "I thought by hiding our relationship is the best way to have it between us but..i didn't knew this'd hurt you."

[bangtanbabeloveyourself]

Oh What A Wedding

Pairing: Female reader x BTS

Chapters: 1|2|3

Word count: 3k

Summary: You’re a new novelist and your little sister is getting married. Because of work, you could only show up two weeks before the wedding. While preparing for the wedding, the groomsmen catch your attention, but not as much as you catch theirs. They make a bet as to who can win your heart first and you may have just found your next novel.

Notes: The song used for the dance scene is House of Cards by BTS. To help the imagination. (;

Everyone else had fallen asleep. Taehyung and Jimin passed out over towards the pool. Jungkook was sprawled out across the lawn, half full cup still in his hand. Jin and the others had gone back to their rooms hours ago. Everyone but you.  

You had stopped drinking about half way through the night. You did get drunk for a little while, but it had run its course and you could tell you were sobering up. Despite all of the night's festivities, you still weren't tired.

You decided to go to the linen closet, getting out blankets for the boys outside. Once you closed the closet door, there was a Yoongi staring back at you. It made you jump and he smiled.

“Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Just wanted to see how you were doing after all that alcohol.” He looked at the blankets in your arms. “Cold?” He asked.

You nudged him gently with your elbow as you started walking. “No, not me. The boys fell asleep outside. I wanted to make sure they had a blanket.”

“Wow, even when you drink you take care of others. Normally we just let the boys deal with whatever problems they caused. Toughen em up, ya know?”

She shook her head. “I can’t. It's just not who I am.”

You made it out to the yard, handing Yoongi one blanket as you took the largest one, carefully laying it on top of Taehyung and Jimin. You walked over to Jungkook, taking the cup out of his hand and dumping it in the grass.  You then grabbed the blanket from Yoongi and covered him up. You blushed softly when you heard Jungkook mumble your name before he turned over and continued to sleep.

When you walked over to Yoongi, he smirked at the blush on your face. He poked your cheek with one of his slender fingers. “What's all this for?” he asked.

You bit your lip as you looked back to Jungkook and then back to Yoongi. “I think Jungkook might have a crush on me.”

Yoongi's eyes widened before he chuckled. “I'm sure it's possible. But I can tell you from experience that he probably just wants to fuck you.”

You shrugged as you walked back into the house. It wasn't a bad thought. Jungkook was attractive enough. You smirked before plopping back down on the couch that you both had sat in earlier, Yoongi following you.

“He did say I looked hot as fuck today,” you said, recalling the memory.

“I wouldn't have said it that way, but he wasn't wrong. I bet everyone thought you looked great.”

You blushed softly before looking up at Yoongi. He was watching you intently until you locked eyes. He was the first to look away. He ran a hand through his hair before giving you a sheepish grin.

“Anyway, I should probably get back to bed. You should too. You're going to be tired tomorrow.”

You stood up and stretched a bit. “Yeah, I guess you're right.”

“Yeah, Hobi is good at wearing you out. Trust me.”

You looked at Yoongi with confusion. He smirked. “Oh, no one told you. You have dance practice tomorrow. Your sister wants us all to learn this routine. And Hobi is in charge. So he'll be teaching you later.”

You groaned. “Dancing? Really? My sister is trying to kill me, I swear.”

Yoongi chuckled. “Don’t like dancing, huh?”

You sighed and crossed your arms. “It's not that. I'm just not the best at it. I did one year of dance as a kid and the teacher begged my parents to leave me out the next year. All I wanted to do was sit and read.”

Yoongi smiled before giving you a soft pat on the head. “You'll be okay. Hobi will take great care of you. Now go get some sleep or you'll regret it tomorrow.”

You nodded before turning to head towards your room. You walked a couple of feet before stopping and turning towards him again. “Thank you Yoongi.”

He gave you a nod in response before you turned back and made your way to your room. You could have sworn you saw a blush on his cheeks. Maybe you had just imagined it. You shook your head at the thought before closing your door behind you. You were more tired than you realized because as soon as you hit the pillow, you were out.

****

You knew you had heard your name, but you only mumbled before turning in your bed, pulling your blanket tighter to yourself. It was like high school all over again. Your mother would give up soon, letting you wake up and take the punishment from school for being late.

But this wasn't your mother. Hobi didn't like to wait. And when you didn't show up on time to practice, he went on a man hunt. He had been knocking at your door for over five minutes but you showed no signs of getting up.

This man hunt just turned into a kidnapping mission. Getting into your room was too easy, considering you didn't lock your door when you had passed out. Once inside your room, he scanned for you, chuckling when he saw your current state. You were curled up into a giant ball, your blankets wrapped around your legs and drawn up into your hands as if hugging a giant pillow.

Hobi sighed before walking over to the side of the bed your face was on. He bent down in front of you before starting to yell.

“GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!” He screamed at you, causing your eyes to pop open in surprise, your body reacting by slipping off the back side of the bed with a thud.

“Ouch! Hobi! What the fuck man!” You shouted as you stood, rubbing your butt in response to the fall.

“Don't Hobi me! You were supposed to be at practice over an hour ago. Let's go. I've only got two weeks to get you ready for this wedding. And unfortunately I've had the displeasure of seeing your old dance recital videos. We need every minute we can get,” he teased.

You glared at him before grabbing one of the pillows that had fallen to the floor and chucked it at him. “Oh shut up. I'll get ready! To be fair no one told me about this dance stuff until Yoongi, this morning.”

Hobi raised an eyebrow. “Yoongi huh?” He pursed his lips before shaking his head. “Well now you know. So go get out of your bathing suit and into the dress. It should be in your closet. Now let's go.” He had walked over to you and rushed you over to the closet.

“We'll be over in the work out room in your parents house.” He called out as he made his way out of the door so you could change.

You yawned as you shuffled over to your closet. You opened the door to see a beautiful azure dress hanging on the back of it. You stepped back as you held the bottom of the skirt out to get a better look. You really had to give your sister credit. She was really good at her job. She had designed the entire wedding party’s clothing from the moment Shane had proposed.

You let out another yawn before you started to shimmy out of your bathing suit from the previous night. You gathered some underwear from one of your dresser drawers and the pair of spankies that were left on top of your dresser. After getting your undergarments situated, you went for the dress.

You had to unzip the dress first before you could attempt to slip it on. When you finally did, you turned to look at yourself in the mirror. The dress was a beautiful azure color. It was fifties inspired with it’s sweetheart neckline, high waist, and flared skirt. You were able to connect the strap behind your neck but you realized you weren’t going to be able to zip it up. Your sister might be good at her job, but she’s not perfect. You made a mental note to remind her to create dresses without the need for someone ELSE to zip you up.

You sighed before holding the dress to your chest with one hand. Best to keep it in place to avoid slips on your way to find someone to zip you up. You left your room and made your way down the hallway, hoping to find someone quickly to zip your dress for you. To your dismay, not a single person was inside the guest house. You groaned before trekking off towards the main house.

You walked through the back patio door and into the kitchen. Still no one to be seen. You weren’t expecting to find your parents at this time of day. They had probably already left for work. But no one else could be found. You walked past the kitchen and headed down the hallway to the home gym. You could hear music playing the closer you got to the room.

As you approached the door, you peered around the door frame, looking into the room. You saw a very familiar pink headed boy dancing along with the beat of the song. It was faster paced, something a little too hiphop for your taste. You couldn’t help but stare as you watched the way his body naturally moved with the music. You prayed to all the gods in the world that this was not the dance your sister was forcing you to learn.

As Jimin had turned around in his dance, he noticed you peeping on his dancing and he stopped, giving you a big grin. “You can come in Y/N! I was just having fun while we waited for you.”

You blushed when you realized you had been caught. You sheepishly stepped into the room, looking over to find Hobi sitting in a chair near the stereo. Both their eyes were locked on you, which didn’t help the redness in your cheeks.

Jimin smiled as he walked up to you. “Wow, you look great. That’s your dress? It’s so pretty.”

You gave him an uneasy smile before fidgeting with the hem of your skirt. “Yeah, I’m not really used to wearing this kind of stuff. And my sister is making me dance in it.” You sighed before looking up to Jimin. “What are you doing here anyway? I know Hobi is teaching me, but I thought Namjoon was my partner for the dance.”

Jimin pouted before crossing his arms. “Are you saying you don’t want me here?” Your eyes grew wide but Jimin smiled before you could speak. “I’m only kidding. Hobi asked me to be your partner for now. Namjoon had something else to do.” He leaned in closer to you, lowering his voice to a whisper. “But between you and me, I think it’s because he can’t dance very good so he’s waiting until he gets better before he practices with you.”

You giggled before nuding Jimin. “That’s not very nice.”

Hobi rolled his eyes before moving in between the two of you and walking over towards the center of the floor. “Namjoon isn’t the best dancer, but his moves still put yours to shame Y/N. You need this practice more than he does.” Hobi said before eyeing you over. “You’ve already kept me waiting an hour. Are we going to start or not?”

Your face grew red with embarrassment at being called out before you lowered your head and walked over to the center of the floor as well.

“Now, this isn’t going to be easy. Your sister wants this to be very smooth. It’s all about the connection between you and your partner. One of the other reasons I asked Jimin to come help was because I thought you’d be the most comfortable around him. Especially for this kind of dance.” Hobi said as he began to pace the dance floor, turning on a song. The soft taps of a few piano keys began to play.  

“This dance is going to involve a lot of touching. It’s a slower paced song with a lot of emotion.” He walked out in front of you, turning his back to you as he began to move. His body started to move to the beat.

As you watched, you noticed Jimin move to your side, casually mimicking some of the moves that Hobi was doing. During the instrumental break of the song, Hobi had turned around, still moving but meeting your eyes this time.

“I will show you your steps. Jimin will fill in as Namjoon. I want you to watch us as we move.” Hobi said before turning to Jimin, giving him a nod. Jimin stepped up towards him, wrapping his arms around Hobi’s waist.

You stepped back as you watched the two move to the beat of the song. Jimin’s hands were wandering over Hobi’s arms and waist in such a manner that it caused you to blush. You kind of wished it were you, but seeing the way the two were dancing didn’t bother you one bit. In all honesty, it had stirred up that feeling between your thighs again.

They acted so naturally. Their movements were so fluid and graceful that you would have thought them to be more than just friends. There was no awkwardness between them despite the closeness of their body’s and the intimacy of the dance itself. You were totally awestruck when the final notes of the song drifted off from the stereo.

You could have watched them for hours. You really wished you could have. But the look on Hobi’s face made you realize that it was your turn. You had to make your body do what his just had. He looked you over before motioning for you to come and take his spot.

You bit your lip as you shuffled forward.“Hobi, I don’t think I can do what you two just did.” You turned to look at him. “My body just doesn’t move like that.”

Hobi gave you a reassuring smile. “That’s why we’re here. We’re here to get you to that point. Otherwise we would have just thrown you to Joonie and let him eat you alive.” Hobi looked over to Jimin, giving him a soft wink.

Jimin snorted with laughter when he realized what Hobi had meant; the bet. Jimin moved forward, wrapping his firm arms around your waist and pulling you against his chest, catching you off guard. “Don’t worry Y/N. Hobi is a great teacher. And I’m pretty patient. We’ll get you where you need to be.”

Your face turned bright red, causing Hobi to laugh. “It’ll be okay Y/N. Let’s get into first position and we’ll go from there.”

You took a deep breath before nodding. You slowly let out your breath as Jimin released you and you moved into the first pose you remember Hobi doing. “Okay, we can try. But I’m warning you two, you’re going to hate this.”

****

As soon as the song ended, you plopped down onto your butt, sweat dripping down the side of your face as you tried to catch your breath. Jimin was breathing heavy, but stayed on his feet, looking down at you. Hobi huffed when he saw you sit down but decided to let it go. He walked over to the table, grabbing three bottles of water.

“Are you okay?” Jimin asked as he crouched down to meet your eye level.

You nodded as you wiped the sweat from your forehead onto your hand before wiping it on your dress. “Yeah, I’m okay, just tired. I need a minute.”

Jimin smirked but nodded as he stood. He reached out to grab the water bottle that Hobi had brought over to them.

“Tired? It’s only been two hours!” Hobi said as he handed you a bottle as well.

You groaned and fell back onto the floor. “Two hours of nonstop dancing is more exercise than I’ve done since high school. Cut me some slack,” you complained.

Hobi sighed before deciding to sit down on the floor near you, Jimin following his lead. “I guess not everyone is used to this kind of stuff like we are.” Jimin said as he nudged Hobi.

Hobi rolled his eyes. “Yeah. I guess most aren’t. I kind of forget not everyone is like we are.”

You looked over towards the boys. “But aren’t you guys just models. Why do you have to go through this kind of work out?”

Hobi smiled. The first time you’d seen him smile since his dancing with Jimin. “Well, we have to stay in shape. Some like to go lift or run. But Jimin and I love dancing.”

Jimin nodded and gave you his full faced smile. “We really do. There’s something more meaningful to our exercise when we dance. We aren’t just picking up heavy things or running distances. We’re making something beautiful.”

You nodded before taking a swig of the water. “Okay, that makes sense. You guys are amazing, I'll give you that much.”

Jimin snorted before patting your head. “Oh honey, you should have known that from the start. Have you seen us? We're like sex on legs.”

“And great legs at that.” Hobi said as he walked around Jimin, looking him over before looking at you and winking.

You nearly spit out your water at his comment. Jimin looked at you worriedly while Hobi tried to stifle his laughter.

“Al-alright. That's enough of a break. We've still got two more hours of practice.”

You groaned before standing up and tossing your water bottle over to the corner. You moved your body into first position and turned to Jimin.

“Wait. Did he say two more hours?”

[penguinrecovery96]

*trigger warning* BPD SEVERELY FUCKED ME OVER TODAY!!!!

I didn't sleep at all last night. I actually feel like I have been awake for days. Most of it was anxiety surrounding my appointment with N because of how shit I have been. I was just properly up from about 6am also struggling with acid reflux (is this a common thing in eating disorders????)

I ended up self harming. I tried to distract myself with puzzles and also by watching two points of lager on iPlayer. It helped a little. N turned up at 11:06 when I thought it was 11:30 so she massively caught me off guard and I didn't know what was going to happen. My arm was still bleeding. I hadn't prepared so I massively failed at lying to her. Today's appointment should have gone somewhat simply. We would have discussed the potential of getting a job and then just the usual stuff. Instead things escalated to discussions about family dynamics, death and trauma. I also had to discuss the fact that these intrusive images are coming back and how it effected me over new year's. You can guess that all of this lead to me completely disconnecting and getting a very difficult image/flashback.

I made the decision because of my arm to talk about self harm. She left that in my hands. This escalated to conversations surrounding risk (conjoined with everything). This is where things get bad and I know it should have been fucking simple but just know that my bpd took me and everyone around me for a fucking ride today. I'm in no dissilusion that I was in the wrong. N got me an assessment with this crisis place and I freaked out during it. It's a big step. It's like a mini admission. I then started completely pushing everything back and N was not happy with me. She called bullshit on what I was saying and suggesting we do. She told me straight what would happen but my fear levels were beyond 100. I know I've put her in an awful position. And I am so incredibly grateful for this woman and the support that she gives me. She does care. Many haven't. Well anyway she stopped responding to me and said she would call me on Monday and walked out of my house closing the door between us.

My little bpd brain freaked the fuck out and I thought abandonment and also knew I had fucked things up, should have gone ahead with the all the things we spoke about, and also I was terrified about the prospect of the weekend and how I was meant to deal with it. How was I going to cope when I had pushed away my one support network. How was I going to cope with all this emotion and turmoil.

Thankfully I managed to text with N straight after. She was just trying to reassure me to stick with it. I told her I was sorry and explained that I am just scared. I had to tell her that in the midst of the build up of stress I had overdosed ( but I had purged so I knew I would be okay). N called an ambulance. I didn't want her to because I find being at a&e really difficult. The paramedics were lovely thankfully. Both female. I tend to get all male crews. We ended up talking about toy story and Disney mostly.

At a&e I had all the one done, 2x blood tests and an ECG. There is a receptionist there and she barged in and was like "what's going on!" I literally love her she is so freaking lovely and supportive and genuine. She stayed with me as much as possible. I always feel like I let her down when I am there. Someone else I feel this way to is a mental health nurse called Barry. He is so down to earth and will have a laugh but also tell you as it is. I kinda died a little inside when I saw him cause I had only seen him on Sunday. he got me to ring Nicola to ring him so I had to do that. I was so anxious at first but N seemed to be just like she always is. She just doesn't want me locked in a cycle. I don't want that either but it's difficult to see anything but a major crisis on the horizon and I feel unable to manage or sustain anything. She said the meds I had requested wouldn't be given to me because of the overdose. I don't know if they were going to give me sleeping pills too (probs not if I'm honest). We briefly discussed HTT but said I would discuss it with MHLT later on.

I met some lovely nurses who told me their stories and listened to mine. Made me laugh when I wanted to cry and I am genuinely so grateful for them tonight!

I was put in a room in one of those hospital nighties so I was convinced that I wasn't going anywhere tonight. I was then transferred somewhere else in a&e and pretty much left. I had been fighting the anxiety but I couldn't handle everything and I ended up self harming for about 15/20 mins before someone noticed my door was shut. I was then restrained by about 6-8 people. The lead consultant actually told a load of them to go. I managed to still cut with them on me. They started bandaging my arm so I couldn't get to it and then also trying to get the blade from my hand which took 3 people. They got it. They started saying they would read my notes and that if I didn't calm down they would have to give me a sedative ( I know they probably would have chosen haleperidol which does fuck all to me). There was one nurse in that room who he just held my hands and squose them. He told me that I was alright and everything would be alright. He cleaned my hands and then he held them more. He just made me feel safe. He tried to make me smile and he would keep bobbing in to see me as I had been moved to a more "observable bay". I don't think that it was really but ok.

I saw someone else from mhlt, not gonna lie I wish it had been Barry but oh well. She was alright but it was more matter of fact at first, not about what had it was happening but the coming days. I have to see HTT tomorrow. I have an appointment with them which does scare me because things went so badly before with them but N and Barry both wanted me to access it and so I agreed. I know that I will be seeing N and HTT on Monday most likely for a joint session. Fuck that's gonna be balls!!! I don't have any meds until Sunday probably because I've ran out of meds and they probably won't supply me with anything until Sunday or even next week. I want to see Maddie or Liz who I saw last time but I don't know if they still work there. I don't know why I particularly want to see them when shit went so badly once my care was in their hands. I am trying to be positive about it all. I know risks are increasing and at the first sign it isn't working I'm opting out because I cannot have a repeat of the summer.

I am so glad that they let me go home. Unfortunately I was not allowed to do that fully independently because the hospital paid for a taxi but they made sure I got home safe and it was free so.

I don't know how I would have coped with being in overnight. I did fear after the self harming at the hospital after overdosing and self harming that I was going to be sectioned or at least put on a 5(2). Thank fuck I bypassed that one. Had stitches and steri strips and patched up. Blood work normal. I'm not sure what the ECG results were. I'm just glad it's over.

...oh and I got a new diagnosis or anaemia which shocked me so much!

Like I said I have no cardiology knowledge so I don't know if that is abnormal or not

[justcallmemav]

7/20/18

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Pt.20

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“You didn't get along with her, so this shouldn't be affecting you this bad.”

(She saw how you treated me and wanted to adopt me.)

“You trust people too easy, girl.”

( I had known him for 13 years. I built that trust. )

“You put yourself in this situation.”

( I didn't ask for it.)

“I never liked him anyways, trash grew legs and took itself out.”

(I loved him for five years.)

▪▪   ·I love you, mom. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

---

▪▪   ·I'm at work I'll message you when I'm off. Ly2.

---

▪▪   ·I could use a call right now.

---

▪▪  ·Can't talk right now, will call tomorrow. You'll be fine for a day.

--------------------------------------------------

▪  You're my best friend. I love you. I can't take it anymore.

---------

▪   I think this is it.

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▪▪▪  Thank you for always loving me unconditionally. You're the greatest sister anyone could ask for. I love you. You're better off without me.

--------------------------------------------------

      You came to visit me two days after i was taken into the hospital on july 20th at 9 o'clock at night.

      I was drinking an excessive amount within the matter of two hours.

     Within the last few minutes of the second hour, I saw the walls of the world around me collapsing.

This is it.

I have nothing left.

     My mind wouldn't rest. I took a xanax but it didn't help ease my mind.

     It sure couldn't mend my broken heart.

                  This was the last time.

It didn't work before.

           It has to work now.

                          So I begged, and I cried.

I prayed to a God I wasn't even sure existed.

Please take me now.

        I want to come home.

                      I think I'm ready now.

JUST TAKE ME NOW. I AM READY. PLEASE FUCKING TAKE ME. I'M READY.

      I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I made the choice to give into my thoughts and my depression. I made the choice to finalize this shit I consider living. This existence. This truly was it. This is the end.

      I let my hands trace their way to my fate. To my drawer. Opening the pill bottle. Where the palm of my hand met my lips to fill my mouth with what I knew would make everything better soon. Next thing I know, my body was lured to the bottle of vodka as it stands at the end of the bed. I wrap my fingers tight around the neck of the bottle, lips to the glass. Down the hatch and into the rabbit hole I go. I feel my body spiral. Down...down...down...down…

                      Boom

                         So bitter.

                        Yet so good.

Was this the only way i could be happy again?

I will reach the numbness I yearn to undergo.

I've heard the rumors.

Does it seem as free as they say?

            Then along came the thump.

                       ALAS~

Nothingness.

Darkness. No voices, no pain, no criticism. Just the echoes of my heart beat.

Thump.. Thump….. Thump….

After what felt like days… the darkness fades steadily. The numbness dissolves like ice through my fingertips.

               Off in the distance I hear something. A cry? A car? A siren? A siren.

I struggle to come to consciousness.

                 I find it nearly impossible.

Then out of the blue, I hear a voice.

                A voice so faint and familiar.

After some time, I can open my eyes half way as I slip back into consciousness.

My vision is hazy. I managed to come to when I hear her voice.

“Cayley, there's some people here who need you to get up and come outside. They need to check on you.”

I see the pigments from the lights spinning on their vehicles, bouncing off of the brick walls on the outside of my home, but it's all blurry.

       I struggled to stand as I stepped through my threshold to go outside.

Who needs to talk to me? About what? Why?

I look up and see two policemen and a paramedic. I begin to hyperventilate.

“Is my dad okay?”

Ma'am, we received a call stating that you may be a harm to yourself, so I ask that you don't resist help. Are you able to follow us to the back of the ambulance, ma'am?

·I haven't done anything and I'm not a harm to myself.

·For your own safety we need to make sure that's true. We can't take risks, miss.

·I'm sorry, please ma'am let go of my arm, I don't need help. GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME I AM FINE.

I hear my father talking to the police officer but couldn't make out what they were saying over dad's coworker crying and all of the sounds around me. I panicked. I heard my dad speaking once more, only this time it was directed at me.

He asked me three things.

“CAYLEY BABY WHAT’D YOU DO?”

“WHAT DID YOU TAKE?”

My hearing began to fade slowly, as I focused on the ringing gradually developing in my head. I could ever so slightly hear the walkie talkies and daddys office keys jingling in his pocket. I heard Sues charm bracelet that she loves so much.

I felt my heartbeat through my chest, as if it was trying to escape. I feel my heart rate descend,  I look up to see what was around me. Everyone was there.

I saw my father crying and shaking.

 I saw his girlfriend crying.

    I saw my father's coworker crying.

          I was embarrassed.

Yet, too weak to care.

I muttered to the medic under my breath;

“I'm ready to go. Ma'am please take me.”

I collapse, but the woman was quick to catch me. She definitely had motherly instincts. Not even 2 seconds after i collapsed, I lose consciousness.

          I woke up in the back of an ambulance. I'm being hovered by two men with papers on clipboards and the medic who stopped me from busting my ass on concrete. They're bombarding me with questions and demands.

“Your oxygen levels are low, ma'am. I need you to inhale and exhale on ten. The oxygen being distributed through the tubes in your nostrils is a bit cold. Just a fair warning. Are you physically capable of removing your tunnels, lip piercing, your engagement ring, and whatever else pierced or on your person that could be a threat to yourself of me?”

“Do I have to take off my ring?”

“Yes ma'am, unfortunately it's code. We'll put it in this bag. It will stay unbothered. Please remove your piercings.”

Shortly after I began hyperventilating because I couldn't stop crying, and boom.

All consciousness was lost.

How could I harm anyone with a ring?

She should have been patient, anyways.

~Don't rush me.~

       You asked me why I did it. It took you two days, it took my father less than 60 seconds to get to me when he saw the ambulance at the door.

       You took 48 hours to muster the pride to visit me, and when you did, you showed no emotion at all. You hugged me that day and I felt no love.

        I was barely aware of what was going on, yet I somehow sensed tension coming from your end. As if you were forcing yourself to care when deep down you knew you didn't.

I felt like I was being smothered by a well maintained, ‘JLo Glo’ scented greeting mat.

          Even when I was much younger and you would stay in and drink, you'd hug me and I felt this giant strange force field of motherly love surrounding me, if that makes any sense. There was a step by step process of your home drunk persona and it went the same way every time.. but I'll get to that in a moment.

    Anyways, I'm still thankful you showed. Even two days late. You had me slightly convinced that you actually cared.

ALMOST. I was informed of the insensitive remarks you made to my father about me.  You really had the audacity to turn around and say I was wanting everyone to be worried about CAYLEY because ‘everything has to be about CAYLEY and CAYLEY was just looking for attention'.

         Like I didn't come home from school and take two steps through the threshold only to see you crying because you got dumped. You threatened to end your life. (Because you loved this man so much. The man you are with now. 9 years later. The man you use for money. Whom you cheat on)  Me and your biological daughter took you and admitted you.

         I felt like i betrayed you, but i needed you to be alive. For...whatever reason. I guess cos y'know.. a 12 year old needs a parent. You came home and the meds they gave you calmed you down, but you liked that too much. You quickly became dependent, actually you still are. You contradict yourself too often.

         Don't you remember what I have been put through..? By you, mostly. You were and still are so hypocritical that it makes me chuckle. Sigh- anyways, I couldn't fully comprehend anything you said during our visit. I couldn't gather the energy to move nor look at you, let alone reply to your bullshit motherhood quotes.

        You left when the time was up, two weeks go by in a blur still ever so slowly, and they transfer me. People were able to reach out to me. A handful of people I love and cherish which includes my sister, my father, his girlfriend... the woman who has been more of a mother to me than you ever were.

       It didn't take much time after me being in that God forsaken inpatient facility for me to be pulled aside by a nurse in a confidential manner. My brain threw around every possible reason as to why she was doing this.

--------------------------------------------------

Am I going home?

Are they moving me again?

What did I do wrong?

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  ~ Nothing, stop with the assumptions~

    She informed me that I had received multiple calls from a woman saying she is my mother but she couldn't pass it through because another woman, who ALSO claimed to be my parent/caregiver, had requested that this number (she was giving me )go on a restricted no contact list. She handed me a sheet of paper with with a number on it. Buttttt, it wasn't yours. So I had no idea what was going on. Who's my caregiver? Did my sister put you on the no call list? Nope. It wasn't your number and you never do wrong, so you denied having anything to do with that whole thing. I decided to call the number while the addiction groups were in the other room. I had no reason to be there so I had time to meditate, draw, socialize, or find out who was on the other end of that phone line.

It's obvious what I chose.

It took a few tries until someone finally answered. When they did I felt like an idiot. How could I not know.

You hated her because of how hard she tried to see me and my siblings. You had so many hateful things to say about her, yet no validation. It made you angrier when you told us about her then made her out to be a bad guy and we still got in touch with her. You hated that, didn't you. You hated it because the truth was going to come out if we found her.

Lady, I met my real mother when i was 11 years old. That was the day my father bought my favorite hat… a black fedora with a blue stripe inside of a purple stripe in the middle (which I still own). I was wearing this black shirt with a red graphic design on the front and back that was WAY too baggy on me and a pair of cuffed blue jeans, I do believe. It's been eight years, I have great memory but I'm not special like that.

If it weren't for daddy, my sister, and my brother... I would've never known who she was. Well, when I finally got ahold of my biological mother on the phone the day after I received the number by the nurse… she was genuinely upset. She said one thing that will stick to my brain for the rest of my life.

“I lost you once I can't lose you again”

You won't have to.

[theskygivesmelife]

"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

...

[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

...

You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

...

[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.