#usually the classes are only an hour and people not on periods can cope

[i-was-bored-so-this-happened]

In today's news, I could not go to class because I have my period and the building my class is in [film class in the dentistry building] does not allow non-dentistry students to use the bathrooms and, surprise surprise, I can't really carve out twenty to thirty minutes of class time to go to the library bathroom

[neonnoir-ao3]

Some Words of Comfort.

Recently, I’ve seen a lot of people (especially those who have read spoilers/are actively searching for leaked content) lament about their future reactions to the deaths of our beloved characters in-game.

We all knew this was inevitable, and that them living was not an option for the plot of the game, but the time has finally come to face it head-on.

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I understand that someone outside this community might be like “it’s just a game”, but I know it’s way more than that to many: the concept of a female villain that, to many, can be seen as sympathizable and even endearing, is a bit of a new concept— especially on such a large scale as this instance.

In addition, Lady Dimitrescu and her daughters have become a bit of a comfort item for some (with an emphasis on sapphics/wlw, from what I’ve seen personally) in the form of a large, protective, and caring hypothetical partner, or even just a maternal character one can appreciate simply because of her love for her children. Regardless, most of us are here due to some desire for comfort.

Take my own story with this community, for example:

(tws for death, covid, suicide, and general medical emergencies)

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Frankly, 2020 and the beginning of 2021 have ruined me. I lost two men who were the only two positive father figures I’ve ever had. The last of the two tested positive for covid and deteriorated within days, to the point where less than a week after testing positive, my family was making the choice to pull the plug. This all occurred days before Christmas and my birthday. On the first day of the spring semester, having not had the time to properly mourn my grandfather, my mother is in the ER for multiple days with an internal infection that doctors said likely would have turned septic if she had waited to come in any longer. This led to three surgeries throughout the next few months. (Oh, and one of my relatives quite literally dropped dead on that first day of class, too). I am also estranged from one of my parents, and they have been trying to contact my family: they have multiple untreated mental illnesses (severe NPD, bipolar, and more) and they are extremely aggressive in that state of mind and they are agitated extremely easily. That only brings more stress, along with resurfacing trauma and related emotions. Every moment of every day has been a struggle. So much so that I failed half of my classes voluntarily simply because I couldn't do them anymore.

To be perfectly honest with you, I didn’t expect to be here right now. I expected that the pain of simply moving forward would have finally overridden my fears of death and that I would have already ended my suffering by now.

Then, in late January, I saw something trending on Twitter. About a new female villain in an upcoming horror game. And it went from there.

As cheesy as it sounds, this fandom and its content seriously saved my life. In the darkest of days, I’ve come to this tag for comfort. The oddest way I found said comfort was through those who were attracted to Alcina aesthetically. I have extremely long-term trauma related to being bullied and being the victim of a hybrid catfishing/'Oreo Game' on early social media by peers in middle school to the point where I do not think of myself as being able to be loved, let alone being worthy of it. Finding this community not only provided a great form of escapism (and opened a door into a fantasy world where I could imagine my own person vampire milf gf), but also gained a little bit of self-esteem (as many of you know, I share a lot of visual qualities with Alcina. -yes, I'm still kinda freaked out about it-) via seeing people where features/attributes like mine were actively praised and desired rather than insulted and pushed away like they have been until now.

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(okay sorry that kinda turned into a trauma dump but I needed to emphasize the fact that this community has seriously helped me during a really dark point in my life, and I know I can't be the only one with that sort of experience)

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What I’m trying to get across here is that, like many others, this community and its content have been comforting and therapeutic, and it really is more than just a game to us. It’s entertaining and even a form of escapism in these extremely trying times. We all have some degree of PTSD from surviving a literal mass plague— and this is something we're using as a method of coping. a distraction. a coping mechanism.

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With that being said, here are some ways to hopefully assist in lessening the emotional stress:

(please note that I am not a mental health professional and these may not be healthy coping mechanisms for everyone.)

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Understand that it’s just a game.

I know, this sounds completely counterintuitive, but it’s more or less about keeping your level of immersion down. Personally, I can’t do scary shit in general: I have to listen to music on low volume while watching dark ARG vids at night or when I’m alone because I get too into it, and then my paranoia kicks in. Sometimes just pausing for a moment and grounding yourself/reminding yourself that this is a video game: a jumble of code and 3D rendering that doesn’t have to affect your views/headcanons if you don’t want it to. Did your favorite character just get slaughtered? Nope, that 3D rendering of them just got un-alived, that’s all.

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Ignorance is Bliss/We are the Captain Now

Simple: Capcom can’t even pronounce Dimitrescu right, or even acknowledge the way it’s correctly said in Romanian culture itself. How can you trust them to give you a perfect canon? That’s the thing: with that logic, you can’t. What they say is true means little (if anything, for that matter) to your headcanons and preexisting ideas of the Dimitrescus. In short: fuck ‘em.

I’m currently seeking a double major in pop culture, and one of the cool things I’ve learned so far is affirmational vs transformational fandom. Affirmational is where official canon is seen as the law of the land, and followed to a T. Transformational is seen as much more inviting for audiences, allowing them to bend canon as they wish to fit their own creations. This fandom is obviously transformational, so take that game canon, rip it up, and get back to whatever you were doing.

Capcom’s canon is not the end-all, be-all. Far from it, actually.

Want to still acknowledge canon? Godmod your way out of it.

Character A died? It’d be a shame if they emerged from the rubble they 'died in' a few hours later, very beaten but alive nonetheless... how awful would it be if they sulked away, nursed their wounds, and continued to live... (/s)

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Ignore it completely.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there w be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the in any way. Stay with the version in your head that makes you happy.

Get Creative!

If you're into creating fanart, writing fics, or even just posting a list of headcanons, take some advice from the late Carrie Fisher: "Take your broken heart, and make it into art". Make the fluff oneshot of your dreams! Draw the fanart you've been wanting to! dump lighthearted headcanons into the tags! Not only will it cheer you up, but sharing it with the community will spread the love!

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I know a lot of people are struggling with this emotionally (especially with the pandemic making entertainment like this even more important sources of escapism and coping mechanisms) and I hope that, at the very least, I was able to help comfort one person who reads this.

Remember: give it time. Once the game drops, there will be a wave of grief, but eventually, we as a community will recover, and get back to business as usual. Think about it like the flowers that bloom after major wildfires: after a period of loss, some beautiful can still come of it.

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💙

[lixiehan]

stress reliever

pairing: chan x self insert (female)

description: college au! school was hard and you often find yourself taking life a little too seriously - that’s where chan comes in. after being paired up for a science project (that’s worth a lot of your grade), you become irritable and stressed. the problem being, chan doesn't like attitudes. 

warnings: fluff and smut themes, lots of dirty talk, male receiving oral, dom!chan, bratty and sub!reader, degradation and public sex ig???

word count: 2.5k

requested by: @coffeechangbeanie​ (slightly adapted the plot - not by much) also based on this unholy gif of chan. ur welcome

“and that leaves chan and y/n” your professor said, nodding at you both. “i expect every single person to do their part in this assignment, is that clear?” he continued. the class acknowledged his wishes, despite half of them being asleep. 

you looked to your side to see your project partner, chan, who coincidentally happened to be your current fuck buddy. you had absolutely no idea how this came to be. you were a quiet, quote-on-quote ‘nerd’ and most boys at your school didn’t look at you. at least, that was the case, until you caught chan’s attention. of course, you found him insanely attractive. after all, his big lips and buff body ran around in your mind most days. you mostly saw him at school, as well as the very few parties you attended. you never considered approaching him, though. he’s usually found beside dozens of girls (hotter and more popular than you), pretty much begging to ride him. 

you also never considered the idea that chan, of all people, would approach you and offer you help. the very few times that boys spoke to you, it usually consisted of them for help with the work that had been set. yet, the ‘relationship’ between you two started the day he saw you staring at the paper in front of you with utter distress in your eyes. 

-

“y/n, right?” he spoke from behind you, his hand making an appearance on the table next to you. instantly you felt a knot in your stomach as he leaned over you, “you are looking particularly stressed” he continued. 

“u-urm, yeah a bit” you choked out, trying to swallow your nerves away. “maths is hard” you near enough whispered, not daring to look at him. 

“hmm, that’s not good. is it?” he sympathised, which sent shivers down your spine. the deep tone in his voice made it sound more like a groan, one that you had daydreamed of frequently. you shook your head frantically in response, acknowledging his words but fearing what your mouth would blurt out. this was quickly noted by chan, who radiated confidence like you had never seen before. you felt him bend over, his mouth now level with your ear. “can’t you use your big girl words?” he whispered. “want me to help you?” 

you gasped quietly at his seductive words and although you may be shy, you certainly are not stupid. his choice of words gave away exactly what he was offering you and as nerve-racking the experience may be, you were certain that a man as fine as him was going to know what to do in the bedroom. 

and well, you were right. 

-

“so when do you wanna get this out of the way with?” chan asked, snapping you back to reality. he noticed the dazed look in your eye, it was very apparent you were daydreaming about something. “thinking about last night?” he smirked, his hand now placed firmly on your thigh. 

you tutted in response, “no actually, i wasn't”. you tried to suppress your emotion, considering his guess wasn't too far off what you were actually thinking about. “stressed” you explained in attempt to change the subject. his hand moved to your lower back, rubbing gentle circles to soothe you. although chan was strictly your fuck buddy and stress reliever, he always provided you with comfort when you needed it. “relax, y/n” he told you, “we’ll get it done and we will get a good grade for you”. 

although he wasn’t the type of student that particularly cared about his grades, he at least tried to get a half decent grade - to some extent, at least. “can we meet up in our free period tomorrow?” you looked at him, wanting to get this stupid project over and done with. he nodded, secretly knowing it meant he would get some alone time with you. 

“cool, thanks”, you smiled forgetting where you were for a second, too busy staring into the chocolate brown eyes next to you, until the loud ringing of the bell made you jump. you were relived to have an excuse to look a way from him. 

without fail, every time you made eye contact with chan you were left with a pool of wetness between your legs - he knew it, too. he would stare at you, his head slightly titled back with his perfect pink lips begging to be kissed. he would lick his lips while staring at you, making them glisten in the most beautiful way possible. from his point of view, you looked desperate for his touch and he thrived off it. he often laughed at the expression on your face when you frantically deny that you aren’t turned on - you both know he can read you like a book. 

you hopped off the lab stool before bending down to pick up your bag, making sure chan had a good view of your ass. you heard him chuckle, “already wet from a bit of eye contact?�� he teased. you smirked as your back was facing him, not offering him a response to his question but rather throwing your hand up to wave him goodbye. most likely, you were going to pay for that behaviour later. chan made it clear from the very beginning that he wanted you to be verbal and most of the time you were, except the odd occasion when you felt bratty. 

although you could count on chan to help with the project, ultimately you never split assignments with anyone 50/50. there had been one too many occasions of classmates fake promising you that ‘i’ll do it later!’, for you to fully relax. you headed towards your usual spot in the library, a table that was slightly hidden away amongst the endless shelves of books before setting your books down on the table. 

you picked your phone up which led you to the realisation that only an hour had gone by. you sighed, throwing your head onto the table in frustration. this project was a lot harder than you thought it was going to be and will all due respect to chan, if you didn't understand, he wasn’t going to either. 

your entire body had been screaming for you to go home and sleep for the past four hours, yet you refused and continued to sit there in complete and utter annoyance. it wasn't until the clock read 11pm that you decided enough was enough and picked your bag up with significant force, stress seeping from every inch of your body at this point. 

when you arrived at your apartment you immediately ran to your bed, not bothering to change - sleep was your priority right now.

*buzz, buzz* 

your eyes flickered open to the painful sound of your alarm, desperately throwing your arms around until you found the sounds source. you sighed, staring at your ceiling, contemplating if the pain of going to college was worth it after all. 

forty-five minutes later you were ready and heading out of the door, ready for another day of stress. you felt your phone buzz in your pocket, smiling to yourself knowing exactly who it was going to be.

[08:49am] chan: still on for later baby girl?

[08:49am] y/n: yes

you thought by now you’d be used to the pet names he called you, but you sure as hell were not. 

[08:50am] chan: ok. excited to see your little pretty face. 

[08:51am] y/n: science project, remember? 

you rolled your eyes in annoyance and shoved your phone back in your pocket. yes, as much as you wanted to ride chan’s face and be fucked into oblivion by him, you had other priorities right now. you barely slept last night because of this stupid project, the last thing you wanted was chan to be all over you when trying to complete it. 

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"you’re late” he teased you as you walked into the science lab where you agreed to meet. your eyes gazed at your watch, which showed 1:33pm. you scoffed, “hardly”.  

you took out your laptop and textbook, tossing both onto the countertop next to chan, before making your way over to the stool to this right. he noticed your demeanour straight away, usually you would have apologised for being late - even if it was only three minutes - and you would have crawled to his side offering to make it up to him. he decided to remain quiet for the time being though, the longer your attitude lasted, the more reason he would have to get his way with you. 

you opened up the textbook to reveal the notes you spent hours on last night. “you already started?” he queried, pulling the book closer to him with a confused look on his face. 

“yes and it’s going to be a hard essay to write so we better get on with it” you noted, opening up a word document on your computer. 

“and you started writing it?” he asked, this time in disbelief. 

“only a few hundred words” you shrugged like it was nothing, even though it took you hours. he sighed, “its a project for two people, y’know?” 

“yes chan, of course i know that. i was in the class with you when it was given, was i not?” you snapped at him, running your hands through your hair in frustration. he meant nothing by his words and you knew he was right, you probably should have waited to start it but your inability to cope with stress takes over you sometimes. 

“attitude, y/n” he warned you sternly. alongside the rule of always being verbal and answering his questions, chan also had a rule against bratty attitudes. if he sensed an attitude on you, he would fix it via a punishment - something you were *somewhat* familiar with. the few times you were bratty it was usually because of how irritable you become when stressed. “was just saying”, he defended himself. 

you ignored his warning, continuing with “you weren’t gonna be the one to do the background reading, were you chan?”. 

once you made the mistake of turning to face him and realising he had an eyebrow raised at you and a dark look in his eye, you knew you well and truly fucked up. 

“get on your knees” he ordered you, which for some reason, took you by surprise. you gulped, hesitating for a moment before he told you for a second time. “don’t make me ask three times, princess”. 

you scrambled to the floor and placing yourself under the desk and in-between his legs. “what have i warned you about multiple times?” he asked, placing his finger on your chin, forcing you to look at his eyes. 

“n-not to be a brat” you stuttered, his gaze making you nervous. 

“that’s right” he hummed. “and what do you continue to do?” 

“b-be a brat”, you admitted. with deadline season around the corner you hadn’t been able to help your attitude lately. 

he nodded, appreciating your honesty. “now, i’m going to fuck that attitude right out of our mouth” he told you as he slowly lowered his jeans. “and you’re going to take it like the good girl i know you are. isn't that right?” 

you nodded frantically and bit your lip, scared you may end up saying something you shouldn’t. “remember princess, you gotta be quiet otherwise we’ll end up with an audience” he warned you. “but something tells me my pretty little slut would like that” he hummed, running his hands through your hair before grabbing it in order to control your head. you instantly felt the heat rise in-between your legs as you listened to his filthy words. 

you opened your mouth wide in anticipation for him, hoping it would work your way to his good side. he teased his member at the end of your mouth, knowing you probably wanted this more than he did. you felt his grip tighten on your hair as he pushed his way into your mouth with no warning. you battered your eyelashes up at him, hallowing your cheeks and trying to suppress your urges to gag. 

“you like being used like this, don’t you” he groaned in a low tone. your mouth felt insane around him, there was no way he was ever going to get used to this feeling. you hummed in response, sending vibrations down his member and earning another honey glazed moan from him. 

you tapped his leg and he pulled back, knowing that was your indication that you needed to breathe. you still hadn’t learnt to take him like this fully, his sheer size being too much for your petite mouth, but he loved the way your mouth looked so full as he thrusted in and out of it.

“god, look at you” he appreciated, “you're taking me so well after that bratty little outburst of yours” he groaned, his head rolling back in pleasure. 

although you could hardly ignore the pool of wetness that was growing in your underwear, you were aware chan would catch onto any slight movements you made to try and release yourself. right now, you had to focus on your breathing and making chan cum. 

although he was being careful not to be too rough with you, his pace picked up slightly as you drew him closer to the edge. you moaned around his member again, adoring the sight you saw above you. “fuck baby” he moaned, i'm gonna cum all over that tongue of yours”. 

you wiggled in excitement at his words. you adored the taste of him (considering he ate exceptionally well), but you adored the fact that you were the one that made him feel that good. 

his thrusts continued to pick up pace as you coughed slightly around him, but moments later he came undone all over your mouth. “hold it” he told you as he bent down to pick you up from the floor. he did this a lot, he liked to watch and make sure you swallow his cum - otherwise there’d be another punishment over his lap. 

you obeyed, waiting for his instructions. “okay, you can swallow”. you promptly swallowed his mess, opening your mouth wide to prove to him it had all gone. 

“that's my good girl” he cooed, pulling you onto his lap into a gentler manner. “what’s with the attitudes, huh?” he asked. now he punished you, it was time to make sure you were actually okay. 

“sorry, channie” you apologised, twiddling with your thumbs. “been really stressed. shouldn’t have taken it out on you” you admitted. 

“yeah, you shouldn’t have” he nodded, “but it’s okay. feel better now?” he asked, brushing your hair behind your ear. you nodded in response, your stress levels now significantly lower. “talk to me properly next time princess. i’ll help you” 

you agreed to approach him next time you felt like this, knowing it would be better for both of you. you placed a small kiss on his plump lips, hoping off his lap and sitting next to him - suddenly remembering someone could enter at any second. he giggled at you, considering you didn’t care if someone entered 5 minutes ago.  

“thanks chan” you smiled at him, picking up the pen in front of you, ready to give this project another go. 

“no problem princess. i like being your personal stress reliever”

[slothspaghettiwrites]

19. The Final Countdown

The Final Countdown - Sleepless in Stark Towers

Story Rating: Explicit, 18+ only

Warnings: period talk, Dom/sub relationship, hints of DD/lg, thumb sucking as a stress coping mechanism, discussions of Dom/subspace, 

Relationships: Tony Stark x Plus Size!Reader/OFC

Word Count: 3409

Summary: You make it through finals, Tony goes to Cali and comes home to a bit of a mess. 

A/N: if you don't like the way I'm taking this series, well, I'm not sorry. this is my dumpster fire. it's all about the next part honestly. I'm already sweating.Also, I would recommend Dumplin if you haven't seen it and want a good cry.

<< 18. Thanksgiving  |  20. Punishment >>

Tony's arms wrapped around me in the crowded airport. Soft flannel fabric that smelled like motor oil and something so deliciously spicy brushed against my nose. It goes straight to my head. A deep sigh escaped my lips and can feel my whole body sag and go a bit softer, like how my mom acts after that first drag of her cigarette after a long day. This warm feeling invaded every part of my senses, made me feel like I was moving through molasses. The people faded away into a blurry of colors as tears came to my eyes.

Warm hands cup my face. Thumbs brushed away the wetness on my cheeks. A smile as soft as I felt graced Tony’s features. His lips fell onto mine like it was the most natural thing in the world. The ball cap he wore today nudged against my glasses and I smiled into the kiss.

I was home.

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“I WANNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

First, I get my period for the first time since getting the implant and my uterus was literally trying to Alien-style burst from my body. I couldn’t even begin to handle that shit. Every part of my body just burned and ached, centered right at my crotch. No amount of hot baths and drugs was fixing that problem. I couldn’t move without wincing, let alone think about studying for finals.

That brings me to my second point, what kind of monster tells Calculus 101 students there would be no cheat sheet notecard for the final? I felt like I was barely managing as it was and then he just decided to drop that bomb on us two classes before the test. My brain couldn’t even comprehend the idea of studying for the other finals I have. I was spiraling into a mess of letters, numbers, and equations that made no fucking sense.

“Dying is forbidden,” Tony moved away from the stove to rub my shoulders.

I leaned back into the barstool and tried to make puppy dog eyes at him. Dying would be a great alternative to this nightmare.

“C’mon, I slaved over a stove for like an hour, let’s eat.”

I didn't want to eat. I felt bloated and disgusting, but I couldn't say no. Not just because it would be rude, but because well it was my daddy taking care of me. Tony had been extremely… diligent since I got back. There was always a hot dinner and nutritious breakfast waiting for me when I stayed over now. In the evening, we'd work together in the lab until we were done on a project or too sleep deprived to continue. Then Tony would drag me up to the penthouse, kissing me softly while stripping me down so we could shower together. He would scrub and wash away the paint and pollution of the day.

Then he'd shampoo my hair. His fingers lathered up that magic soap that smelled like heaven, massaging and scratching on my scalp. He was always gentle, never tugging at the knots, and never getting soap near my eyes. He slathered on the conditioner before setting my pudding soft limbs on the tiled bench. If the hair washing hadn't gotten me all floating and warm, watching my daddy scrub and wash away the day's stress certainly finished it off. There was almost never anything sexual about it, usually rushed while I slumped against the wall. His hands worked the soap around his thighs, his torso, the arc reactor. The blue glow reflected off the suds, making the moment even more magical. The intimacy of the action, the comfort he had with me, that made me feel special and loved. That felt like real magic.

The world would get all misty. A soft fog settled over my mind garden, merging colors and ideas for projects with equations, dates, and societally stereotypes. My everything just relaxed.

Tony then helped me put on a set of soft flannel PJ's, each pair some kind wintery design. I noticed a slight increase in different types of clothes for me in the closet, in colors I didn't normally wear. All of them were soft, comforting, and faintly smelled of Daddy™. I couldn't help but stare at them when my clothes were laid out for me.

The clothes were expertly mixed with things I normally wore to class. For example, tonight my daddy picked out something that was 50/50 us. A pair of thick fleece leggings and a structured, expertly designed oversized Wolf of Wall Street vibe button-down dress were matched together, and a new sexy panty set I would never have bought myself was paired with my soft, fuzzy boot socks. All in all, Tony would somehow know exactly what I need to feel good and pretty and worthy.

I knew, that he knew, that I kinda knew what he was doing. We had talked my subspace, that floaty place my mind tries to travel up to while Tony took me apart. We had talked about what I needed or wanted when I was there. He explained his domspace to me, his own headspace that he gets into sometimes where he feels primal, almost godlike as my daddy. We both discussed how good it felt in those places, even without the sex.

And we had talked about the sex part of our relationship a lot when I got back, but consent and trust were really what it was about. It ended with my reassuring Tony that I was very much the one of us deciding we'd be in this kinda relationship, but that he also had a choice. Eventually, it broke further down to me just smooshing his face between my hands and telling him I trusted him with my life. He was my daddy, and Daddy knew best.

"C'mon, let's get you to bed sleepy baby."

"Can I read my art history notes in bed?"

There was so much more to study, so many dates and topics I didn't know yet. I was trying to fight my fuzzy warm headspace. Only two more days of tests. All my papers were finished, projects and modules were wrapped up, and all that remained were my art history and calculus hell tests. I trusted myself enough with Art History assuming that annoying senior kept to himself. And honestly, I'd been so stressed about math nonsense I didn't even consider him a threat to my sanity anymore.

"No work in bed," Tony reminded me, arm around my shoulder. "Do you really need to study? It's like three in the morning already."

"Just one more hour, Daddy, please," I yawned.

"JARVIS, when did I last get a good night message for my girl?"

"Thursday night, Sir."

"And you were with me all weekend, so that means you haven't slept for at least 24 hours," he guided us to the bed. "And a good night's sleep will be good for your test."

He was right, sleep would do me some good. I knew that, but it didn't make me stop feeling guilty for not studying enough. I didn't know every word cover to cover yet, therefore it wasn't enough. And it wasn't just me who needed to sleep. Tony had to fly out to California tomorrow for some kind of end of year presentations. He needed to be rested and present for the long day of meetings and dealing with people. Tonight wasn't a night to fight the rules.

"Daddy," I yawned again, snuggling into the soft sheets, "do-do you mind if…"

An old habit, a coping mechanism from when I was younger, had surfaced again since being back home. Turns out if it was someone else's thumb in my mouth the horrible taste memories of vapo rub didn't creep up. Tony said it didn't bother him, after the first time he woke up with his finger in my mouth. Told me it made him feel good, knowing even in my sleep I sought him out for comfort. I still felt weird about not asking, checking in to make sure he was still okay. I was sure once finals were over, I'd get over it again.

Tony pulled my head onto his chest and gave me his hand. While I held on to it for just a moment, massaging the muscle and tendons, trying to give him any amount of comfort I could, he kissed the top of my head.

"C'mon pretty baby, time for sleep."

I was counting down the minutes until you were done with your calc final. Three whole weeks of no classes. Three whole weeks of you staying here. Three whole weeks of doing… stuff. Honestly, I didn’t know what we’d do. I was too focused on the fact that after the hellish time you’ve been having since your last break, you’ll finally be able to just do whatever you wanted. No pressures, just relaxation.

“Mr. Stark, what do you think?”

“I think…” I glanced over the plans for the new Paris HQ. “They look fine, average.”

“Average, sir?”

“I think what Mr. Stark is trying to say-”

“Pep, what I’m trying to say is they look average. It’s a perfectly acceptable office block, but it isn’t a Tour Stark.”

“Mr. Stark, I can assure you that we’ve pushed all the boundaries we can with the area’s construction limitation,”

“Mhmm, and why do Tour Hekla designs have 15 meters on this proposal? I’m not some EDF wannabe. If I’m going to bring Stark Industries green energy and technology properly to the EU, I’m going to be making a statement.”

There was a pause. Pepper and the architecture team from Paris were unsure of what to do next. I wasn’t in any rush to break ground for the new HQ. In my opinion, we could still move it somewhere else, so a simple redesign should have been nothing. I say simple, but we probably wouldn’t have the new mockups until March or later based on how slow they were responding to my critique.

“Thank you for coming in today. I will email you all the notes from this meeting and we will be in touch within the next week.”

Pepper shook their hands and guided them out of the conference room. One lunch meeting, one R&D walkthrough, and then one final management meeting, that’s all I’ve got to make it through until it was home time. Well, time to get on the jet home, fly five hours, and then it was home time.

Thinking of home time though, you should be calling me soon for a debrief. Final results wouldn't happen until late tonight, but you and Peter were going to go sightseeing when you got out of class to keep you distracted. Our call was mostly to check in on both sides. Me to make sure you weren't at an unreasonable level of stress and you to make sure I wasn't threatening people's lives for their stupidity. A win-win really.

"Tony really you co-"

HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE  

"Sorry, this is an important phone call," I smirked at my CEO.

"Jesus, just meet me and Happy down at the car."

She stomped off as Scorpion continued to play for a moment. Her sassy comments about my relationship with you could really go fuck themselves.

"Hey Baby," I smiled, leaning back in my chair.

"Hi Daddy," you sighed quietly.

You sounded dejected and exhausted. It sounded more like you could use a night in rather than trapezing about the city until late. It's decided, next time I've got to take a business trip, I'd bring you with me.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I just- I just-"

You paused, but I could hear how wet your voice sounded. Had you cried during the test? There was a sniffle.

"Why can't I understand basic math?"

"One calculus isn't 'basic', and two not everyone's mind works that way. I couldn't make art the way you do," I tried to be supportive, but neutral to not upset you further.

"I'm sure if you tried, you'd be great. Look at your suit, you clearly have an eye for design."

"It's true, I do, I had to tell a team of French architects their designs were boring just now."

I changed the subject, you hated crying in public. You were my crybaby in private only.

"Why does it matter that they're French?"

"Makes it easier to get the planning done if you use a local team. Pep is insisting we have an EU headquarters, so I lost a bet and she got to pick the place."

"What would you have gotten if you won?"

You already sounded better, calmer.

"I'd have gotten out of a month of meetings," I moved you to speakerphone and pulled up the security systems on campus. "Where you at Babygirl?"

"On the sofas outside class, you gonna find me?"

"Taking all the fun outta bein' a creep," I grumbled but the smile on my face told another story.

God was I so happy you didn't freak out too much when you found out I could do that, did do that on a regular basis. After the whole shit show of Thanksgiving, I felt like I had to tell you about it and you took it in strides. Freaked out a bit, mostly concerned that I would think you were 'super weird'. I mean, have you met Peter Parker?

There you sat, curled up as small as you could get, resting against the arm of a long grubby looking couch. My smile grew.

"Your hair looks nice today."

"You just like it when I braid it," you looked in the direction of the camera and smiled.

"What can I say, they are practically begging me to-"

"Freshie!"

Someone off-screen caught your attention and I saw you shrink. A guy, maybe someone in a class with you, walked over to the couch, and stood right in front of the camera line. What a dick.

"You have to promise me you'll start coming around for art nights in the new year."

UUGGGHHHHH THIS FUCKER.

"I'll think about it."

Does he not see you were clearly on the phone? Does he know how rude he is being?

"You keep saying that, but I don't believe you."

Why does it sound like he is laughing at you? What the fuck was his deal?

"Sorry, I need to finish this important phone call."

"Text me, babes."

Am I having a stroke? Is that what this feeling is?

"Hello?"

"I'm still here."

You looked to your left and right before responding.

"That guy can really go fuck a cactus."

∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆

All I could think about on the elevator ride up the tower was marking up your beautiful skin, showing you exactly who you belonged to. I mean, you knew already, but the thought of spending the very early hours of the morning sucking and biting on your soft skin until little bruises formed was so tempting. Feeling you squirm and beg for more beneath me was exactly what I needed to wind down after that shitty long ass day. I wanted, no needed, you to my good girl. I needed someone to listen to me without me having to be a dick and give me control.

The elevator doors opened on the communal floor and the smell of savory roast meat hit me. You must have made dinner for you and Peter then. The lack of pizza smell was honestly fucking nice for once.

You hadn't sent me a picture of what you'd eaten.

The sounds of Dolly Parton and men crying was not what I expected to come home to. I walked through the kitchen, noting the pile of cleaned pans drying on kitchen towels and the note on the fridge for me. Left the best bits for you. You doodled little hearts around the words and that… god that made me feel good. You could have left the scraps, and I'd still be over the moon about the note. I plucked it off the fridge and tucked it into my trouser pockets.

On the sofa, with dirty dishes stacked on the coffee table, were you, Peter, Steven, and Barnes. All of you bawling your eyes out over some movie you were watching. I stood there for maybe a minute longer, the characters at some kind of drag bar, and the credits started to roll.

"What the fuck kind of sleepover is this?" Everyone's heads whipped to me.

"It's all Queens' fault," Steve was quick to wipe away the tears from his red face and clear his throat.

Barnes less so, "I just have too many emotions right now. Men cry too Stark."

"Why are you crying though?"

"Because everybody deserves love, Mr. Stark."

The three men burst into tears again. I was losing my grip on reality now. What the fuck was going on?

"The movie was a coming of age story about accepting your body and that you're capable of anything," you explained. "It's called Dumplin ."

Oh.

Oh, good god.

Peter and I were going to have words. Lots of them. About things that are and aren't okay to show someone recovering from a shed load of... of... shit.

Time to change the subject.

"Why are you two here?"

"They found us at Rockefeller when we were looking at the tree, which by the way was not as magic as I was told it would be," you sniffled, voice still a bit croaky from crying.

"It's not my fault," Peter wailed.

"Everything is your fault, Petey-Pie," Barnes chuckled and shoved the kid.

"Mr. Stark!"

"Oh my god, just-" I pinched the bridge of my nose trying to not blow a fuse, "everyone go to their rooms."

While the boys filed out down the hall to their suites, you picked up the plates and took them to the dishwasher. I pulled the plate of food from the fridge and tossed it into the microwave. You sat down at the island, looking everywhere but at me.

Did you even realize you’d broken a rule? I watched the meatloaf and potatoes and vegetables spin and spin and spin contemplating how to handle that. There was a fine line about to be drawn. When we’d set up the rules, you were very adamant about rewards and punishment. I wasn’t surprised or resistant to the first. You had a serious praise kink and I was more than happy to facilitate that. You were my good girl after all, and I’d tell you that any chance I got.

But you had this resolute idea that if you were “bad”, you had to be punished. To the point of punishing yourself, which was absolutely unacceptable, which I told you. Punishment was mine to dish out, when it was deserved. Ding!

And this cold reception you seemed set on giving me was only adding to your punishment. I pulled a fork from the drawer, setting my plate down so I could look at you.

"You eat dinner Baby?"

"Yeah, Daddy."

You pulled the sleeves on your sweatshirt over your hands. I took a bite, even reheated the meatloaf practically melted in my mouth, the mashed potatoes were still creamy and vegetables hadn't turned to mush. This was making being stern difficult.

"Why didn't you send me a picture?"

If there was a valid reason, I'd be understanding. Our rules weren't cast in stone, they were there to provide structure, not stress. They were a system set up to provide reward and praise more than anything else.

"I didn't want to," you shrugged.

"Why?"

You weren't looking me in the eye. I kept eating, waiting to see if you'd give me a real answer. There was no part of my mind that believed you would just break a rule because. You weren't a brat.

"I-" you gulped, fidgeting. "I just didn't."

I looked at you, fork dangling from my fingers. You were really sticking with that. You were really going to just lie to my face. I wasn't even upset about the picture at that point. You just lied to me. I ran my tongue over my teeth. If that's the way you wanna be, then I can accommodate that. I'd still get to mark you up at least.

"Go up to the penthouse, get ready for bed, and wait for me." it's all about the next part honestly. I'm already sweating.Also, I would recommend Dumplin if you haven't seen it and want a good cry.

[peaches-writes]

member: hyunjin  wc: 1.3k genre: fluff, high school au (yall r like reviewing for college exams in this or summ), bad boy au, secret relationship au (kinda)  note: me realizing my fave period wlw film is not on the internet and projecting one of my fave scenes from it to hyunjin to cope lmao

[9:40 AM] A piece of paper rolled inside one of your black pens greets you after recess break, left outside of your usually organized pencil case for you to notice first as soon as you return from the convenience store across the street. Without even unrolling it, catching sight of Hyunjin right after, ‘sleeping’ with his earphones blasting a familiar RnB song across the room, was enough to give you an idea on who it could be from. 

“What? Are you trying to cheat on exams now? It’s only the CSAT reviews, Y/N, how could you?” Your best friend and seatmate, Chaeryeong, snickers playfully when she belatedly notices the paper, elbowing your side before sitting down next to you with her snacks. “If I were you, though, I’d hide it on my eraser. I heard that’s more discreet!” 

You roll your eyes at this, following her actions and sitting down as well with your own snacks. From the corner of your eye, you see Hyunjin shift in his hunched over position exaggeratedly loud, almost as if covering up an amused chuckle from him. “It’s not a cheat sheet.” You reprimand sternly, eventually cracking from the façade and giggling anyway. Exchanging your newly-bought snacks in your hands with the pen on the table, you immediately twist its cap open and take out the cartridge where the message has been rolled haphazardly around. “It’s...something else.”

Curiously, Chaeryeong leans to your side of your shared table with her banana bread and rests her chin on your shoulder as you separate the paper from the cartridge. “What is it, then? Who’s it from? Are you in on a CSAT conspiracy? Are you dating someone behind my back?” She gasps scandalously, making you laugh even more that you almost drop the bare cartridge on your lap. Ignoring your flustered reaction, she reaches for your arm and begins shaking you frantically for emphasis. “Come on, let me in on the gossip! Is he from our year? Is he older? Is he a she? Is he a they? Because if it’s a they, I’d gladly be in your exam conspiracy but not in a poly relationship—you know, just giving you a heads up.” 

You hear Hyunjin shuffle in his position once more, changing the song on his earphones halfway to a quieter one that makes his intentionally faint giggle sound louder in your ears. It makes you want to burst into more laughter on the spot as well but you focus instead on returning the cartridge back in its barrel first then opening the message fully. 

‘Hey, we’re still hanging out after school today, right? I heard from Jisung that your friends are having extra hours of study group today :( 

- HHJ

P.S. You look really cute today.’ 

“’HHJ’?” Chaeryeong raises a brow before releasing a belated gasp, removing herself from your shoulder to slap your arm and hiss, “Ya! You’re still hanging out with that troublemaker, Hwang Hyunjin?!” 

Glancing to said boy’s side of the room, by the entrance door where your cram school classmates have started piling in once more, you shrug in feign denial and answer, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Chae.”

This time around, Hyunjin purposely lets you and Chaeryeong hear him snicker.

-

[10:56 AM] “Ma’am?” You raise your hand up in the middle of a mock exam, lifting it down only when your proctor has reached your side to pass her your answer sheets. “Can I go to the bathroom? I’m already done with the exam.” 

Ms. Park nods and takes your answer sheet, gesturing for you to stand with a smile. “Sure, Y/N. Go on ahead.” 

“Thanks, ma’am!” You nod with an equally grateful grin, waiting for her to turn her back to you before subtly pocketing your eraser and standing up from your seat. 

You make a quiet beeline to the classroom’s back door where Hyunjin is seated, loudly opening the door to simultaneously drop the eraser near his foot. Stepping out of the room, you then make sure to close the door behind you quieter this time to hopefully avert the classroom’s attention away from Hyunjin.

Back inside the classroom, Hyunjin waits for your footsteps to fade onto the outside hallway first before taking out your eraser from its paper cover and noiselessly flattening the box-shaped structure.

‘Yes! We’re still on for later! I told them I’m hanging out with you but I kinda lied and said I’m tutoring you for something back in the regular classes heh...

- Y/N

P.S. You look really cute today too. Is that a new lip piercing? And...are you forgetting something?’

-

[11:01 AM] There’s a pink post-it note with its adhesive side turned upwards on the floor when you return from the bathroom. Finding Ms. Park sitting down on her table to watch over the students, you instinctively step on the folded note with the heel of your shoe and drag it over to your desk to discreetly hide it under your backpack on the floor. 

You then hurriedly retrieve your answer sheet from Ms. Park as per classroom policy during exams before settling back down on your desk, pretending to reach for your pencil case in the outer pockets of your backpack to pick up the post-it note from the floor. 

“Gosh, you two are so in love it’s so painfully obvious.” Chaeryoung mumbles teasingly under her breath as she steals a glance over to you while finishing her own exam. “If you keep this up, Yeji and I might actually spy on you two one of these days.” 

Heat rises up to your neck in an instant which you expertly hide by tilting your head away from Chaeryoung and elbowing her. “We’re not...in love or anything. We’re just hanging out.” 

“Sure, keep telling yourself that.” She rolls her eyes, returning her attention back to her work. 

‘Aah, now you’re lying. Am I rubbing off on you? You’re not making it any easier for me to win your friends over >:(

Anyway, it is a new piercing! I got it yesterday with Jisung so it’s still a bit painful but it’s cool, isn’t it? I also picked up something after the appointment that I thought you might like! I’ll show it later :)

- HHJ

P.S. Almost forgot! I was in a hurry to write a while back because Jisung kept bothering me but here’s your daily I love you from me <3’ 

“What does it say?” Chaeryoung whispers to you after a while, resting her head on top of her folded arms on the table. “The PG parts, at least.” 

“Shut up.” You hiss with a chuckle, re-folding the paper before pocketing it. “He’s just, uh...asking for tutoring later.”   

- 

[12:30 PM] You find Hyunjin tying his shoelaces by your cram school’s mini parking lot as you and your friends return from buying lunch at the convenience store. With only Chaeryoung noticing as she has her arm linked with yours and pointing at Hyunjin, you shoot a crumpled piece of paper to your boyfriend that lands right under his motorcycle.  

“For questions about ‘tutoring,’ you two sure are making it really dramatic.” Chaeryeong snorts in amusement at seeing you cover your mouth in giggles as you refrain from turning around to see Hyunjin pick up the paper. “You know, you two can talk to each other in person like normal people, right? At this point, I’m not even going to be surprised if a pigeon suddenly lands on your table during lecture.” 

“Yeah, well, he started it.” You defend yourself, dragging Chaeryeong to catch up with the rest of your friend group before they could notice the two of you acting strange. “Come on, we’re behind everyone else! It’ll look suspicious!” 

Behind you, Hyunjin excitedly opens the paper and flattens out the creases as much as he can, chuckling at your smaller than usual handwriting. 

‘It better be the matching lip rings you promised before! Now, I can’t wait to see you after class even more :( 

I love you too <3 The pen trick’s really neat, by the way. I really need to one-up you one of these days.

- Y/N’ 

m.list

[eyeofthedrgn]

I have finally decided on a title for this multi chapter Rowcan fic: A Heavy Battle Symphony. Inspired by two Linkin Park songs (Heavy{feat. Kiiara}, Battle Symphony) that seem to fit the bill of the overall tone of the story. Since it deals with such dark topics and mental health, it just works. I wasn't intending for this to be song inspired, but here we are.

Also, I'm bad at summaries, but here we go:

Set in a modern high school AU. Lorcan was forced to live with his Aunt Maeve and boyfriend James Perrington, both of which are abusive. Once they move to Orynth, Lorcan's life is thrown into disarray when he meets Rowan.

Trigger warnings : language, mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, violence, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, self harm, self-esteem issues, sexual abuse (only alluded to briefly in future chapters), just a lot of trauma, angst, smut - lots of lovely gay smut

Word count: just over 2k

Chapter 1 - Numb

Lorcan Salvaterre has had a pretty shitty life for only being 17. He's been to so many different schools, he doesn't remember them all. His mother died long ago, he didn't have a father, and he was then forced to live with his despicable Aunt Maeve when he was five. Lorcan didn't remember his mother anymore, all he knew was the cruelty of his aunt and her boyfriend, James Perrington.

Maeve's job required them to move every few months. Which meant his schooling was rather poor and often overlapped from school to school. He was always the loner and easily overlooked, at least until his growth spurt last year that catapulted him to be six and half feet tall.

He'd never had a friend in his life. No one would ever want to be friends with him in the first place. He always had a scowl on his face, wore black, long black hair, head down, his skin was a beautiful deep olive, his eyes dark as onyx. He was rather strange. And since his growth spurt, his hulking frame kept everyone away.

He never smiled, he rarely talked. To anyone. Not that he had much to say. He had no hobbies, no pleasures. All he was allowed to do in this meaningless life were chores, his homework, and lay in his room staring at the ceiling.

The way Lorcan had grown up was brutal. There were beatings for not finishing chores, misbehaving, or most of the time, just existing. He never got three meals a day, on the very rare occasion, he would get a small dinner, but generally, the only meal was usually lunch at school or when they were traveling. Even then, Maeve would order the smallest meal for the boy, gods forbid she had to spend more money on him than necessary or look bad in front of people.

That also meant that if he needed new clothes or something for school, he had to work extra for it. A lot of the time, he felt like a severely more abused Cinderella. His aunt made him do some of the most tedious chores in payment for his necessities.

The chores he could handle, sometimes they were even relaxing. The beatings on the other hand were less than desirable. Especially when most of the abuse wasn't even a result of Lorcan's supposed incompetency. But every beating was recorded in Lorcan's journal and accompanied by self harm.

Lorcan's mental health was far from healthy. He wished he had the courage to slice his wrists deeper, but if he failed to finish the job, he couldn't imagine how Maeve would react and what she would make Perrington do to him. So, he settled for the scars. 

His wrists and forearms were covered in scars. Every shirt he had was long sleeved to cover his coping habit. He didn't want questions or people staring, he hated being pitied. Honestly, he hated pretty much everything.

---

The new apartment Maeve had rented in Orynth was just like the rest of them. Lorcan's room was the smallest and also used for storage. Not that it mattered to Lorcan he only had a few things anyway, but it did mean that either his aunt or her boyfriend would barge in, whenever they wished, to grab something. Since Lorcan realized they were never going to stop and they always removed the lock from his door, he took to changing in the bathroom.

Lorcan was exhausted. He had spent all day moving every single box Maeve and Perrington had into the new apartment, making sure he put the boxes in the correct rooms. And setting up his room to give himself some semblance of privacy with the way he piled the storage boxes. 

A sleeping bag, a duffel bag full of worn and faded clothes in various shades of black, a few well worn books, a journal that he used to record every beating and every cut, and a fraying backpack full of school supplies were all of Lorcan's belongings. He didn't even have a real bed. Or a pillow.

Almost asleep in his sleeping bag, Maeve barges into his room and starts yelling at him.

"Lorcan! Where in the gods' forsaken apartment are my hair products!"

Lorcan had no idea why she needed them at midnight. "They're in your bathroom." Obviously.

"If they were, I wouldn't be here, you useless piece of shit!" She grabbed him by the hair and pulled him up, then shoved him into the hall. He knew better than to fight as he stumbled down the hall, he did his best to keep his face neutral, but fuck, that hurt.

Resisting the urge to rub his poor scalp, he stalked to Maeve's bathroom and opened the box labeled MAEVE'S HAIR PRODUCTS. Lorcan sighed when he was greeted with her towels.

"I already looked there, you little welp," she snarled. "Now find my shit!" She stormed out and slammed the door.

Lorcan hung his head and looked around the room. He just wanted to sleep. It wasn't his fucking fault she mislabeled her fucking boxes. Again. Finding the box labeled MAEVE'S TOWELS, he opened it and sighed with relief as he set eyes on her missing items, and set the box on the counter. He informed Maeve of his discovery before heading back to bed.

---

Five hours later, Lorcan woke up, like clockwork. He released a heavy sigh and rubbed his eyes. Hel, he was tired. Time to start an exhausting day of learning a new school and schedule.

Every morning was the same, up at five, shower, get ready for school, make breakfast that he wasn't allowed to eat. Only the adults were allowed breakfast. He'd get a knee to the gut if he attempted to snatch a strip of bacon or a link of sausage, or even a piece of toast. So, his stomach would growl until he got to eat a pathetic school lunch.

This morning would be slightly different from the rest, though. Maeve would have to take him to school and make sure he was registered. She always acted the caring aunt in public. It disgusted Lorcan. Especially when she would go the extra mile and kiss his cheek.

After Maeve left without a word to Lorcan, he stood in the main hall with his schedule and map in hand. This school was huge. Much bigger than most of the other high schools he had been to. That was to be expected, though. This was Orynth High after all, the biggest high school in the biggest city of Terrasen.

He looked over his schedule. He had no idea how he made it to senior year with all the holes in his education.

Fuck, why was pre-calc first? At least he was good at math.

He looked at the clock at the end of the hall, he still had half an hour before school actually started. Rather than wasting time, he found all of his classrooms in order, twice, and then went to the library to grab the necessary textbooks. 

By the time he left the library, the halls were filling up. Kids all around him were chattering, he was either ignored or kids looked at him with scared eyes and scurried out of his way.

He tugged his hood up and shoved his hands in his hoodie pocket and made his way to first period.

---

Since it was the start of a new semester, most teachers ignored that Lorcan was new to the school. That was fine, he didn't want the attention anyway. But in his last class of the day, creative writing, they had to split into groups for an assignment. Lorcan hated group assignments. He was partnered with the smallest teenager he had ever seen.

"I'm Elide. You're new here aren't you?"

His nod was barely perceptible.

"It's Lorcan, right?" He nodded again. "Where are you from?" Her eyes were filled with pure curiosity. 

He cleared his throat. "Originally from Doranelle, but I don't remember it. My mother died when I was five. My aunt took me in and we move a lot." He blinked and shook his head in confusion at himself for telling a complete stranger something he hadn't told anyone else before.

How did this petite young woman bewitch him to talk more than he had in weeks? Lorcan felt exposed under her gaze. It felt like she could read him like a book. It was unnerving. 

"That sounds rough. I hope you like it here and I hope we can be friends." She finished with a smile.

Lorcan just turned back to the assignment.

The class passed without much other conversation besides about the assignment they had to do together.

Finally, the bell rang signalling the end of the day.

The first day at this school was done and he was exhausted and hungry. Lorcan was so focused on packing up his supplies into his ratty backpack that he didn't realize Elide was talking to him.

"A group of us are going to the park to hang out, wanna join?" He was zipping up his backpack, not hearing a word she said. "Lorcan?"

"Huh?" He looked up, confused. She giggled. His cheeks heated just slightly.

"Do you want to hang out with my friends and I after school?"

Why would he want to do that? Lorcan did remember saying she hoped they could be friends, but he thought she was just being polite. Now, she was trying to follow through.

But there was only one answer.

"No."

---

Elide adjusted her bag on her shoulder as she walked to the park to meet her friends. She could see Lorcan walking on the other side of the street away from her. His hood was up, head down, hands in his hoodie pocket, his posture slightly hunched. She thought he could almost pass for a shadow if his black clothes weren't so faded and worn.

She remembered looking into his eyes during class and seeing deep pools of onyx, they would have been gorgeous, but instead, they were dull, and lifeless. He had been so hard to read. Elide had guessed that he didn't have a good home life and they were poor, by the state of his clothes and backpack. She had seen the scars on his wrist when he reached into his bag for an eraser. It broke her heart. Watching him walk away, she noticed how awkwardly his clothes hung off of him. He was definitely too skinny for his frame.

So lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear one of her friends come up behind and loop his arms through hers. Elide yelped and then realized it was her friend, Rowan Whitethorn. He had silver hair and pine green eyes that were always bright.

"I didn't mean to scare you! I called your name, but you were off in your own little world!"

"Sorry. I was thinking about the new kid that you will probably end up having a crush on." Rowan scoffed, Elide just laughed. 

They walked a bit in silence until Rowan made his confession.

"He is hot! He's in my gym class. Tell me everything, my precious Elide! I want to know!" Rowan was so excitable, it was infectious.

"He's in my creative writing class and we were partnered together. He said he's from Doranelle, his mother died when he was five, and his aunt took him in. And apparently, they move a lot." She also told him about the assumptions she made from her observations.

Rowan soaked up every word.

---

Lorcan was doing homework at the kitchen table when Maeve and Perrington came in with take out. It smelled good, Lorcan's stomach rumbled. Damn it. To his surprise, Maeve set down a small Chinese take out box right in the middle of this textbook. He blinked at it, and then up at his aunt, she looked kind for once. "Thank you." It was barely a whisper, but he knew she heard it because she nodded before walking away.

Sometimes he actually thought she loved him..

After his studies and meager dinner, Lorcan laid in his sleeping bag, using an old hoodie that didn't fit anymore as a pillow, trying to sleep. A sigh left his lips and he rolled over.

He couldn't sleep even though he was exhausted, so he pulled a well worn novel from his duffle bag. It was The Hobbit. Lorcan had read it many times. The spine was broken, pages were dog eared, some of the pages weren't even glued in anymore. But he enjoyed the adventure.

Lorcan was halfway through his book, when his window started lightening with the new day. He groaned and his stomach growled.

++++

Rowan couldn't get that new dark haired boy out of his mind. Lorcan Salvaterre. He had soaked up all the information he could from Elide about his new crush. Concentrating on his homework was so hard.

"Ugh." Rowan ran his hand through his hair and smacked his cheeks a couple of times to get himself to snap out of it. He still had homework to finish.

"Rowan, love, would you like some hot chocolate?" His mom leaned into his room. "You seem distracted today."

His mom, Barb, was the sweetest lady and the best mother one could ask for. They talked about everything. And he swore she had eyes everywhere because she always knew everything. Sometimes, Rowan hated that his mom was so observant.

"Yes, please." He got up from his desk and followed his mom to the kitchen. He enjoyed his cocoa with marshmallows. After taking a few sips, he told his mom about the new kid in school. She just smiled knowingly at him.

"Elide says he moves a lot. But I don't know exactly what 'a lot' means. Also, he's probably not into guys." He quirked his lips to the side. 

"You should probably start with actually talking to the boy."

Rowan whined, "Mom!" She just laughed and kissed the top of his head before retreating to the living room, leaving him with his thoughts and empty cup.

_____

Thanks for reading! I'll probably post the next chapter next Thursday or Friday.

[oliviermiraarmstrongs]

mid-year book freak out tag

thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood. 

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?

I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?

5. Biggest Disappointment?

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!

6. Biggest Surprise?

I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.

7. Favorite New Author?

The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life! 

9. Newest Favorite Character?

Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.

10. Book That Made You Cry?

I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.

11. Book That Made You Happy?

fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?

Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?

14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?

I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?

Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.

I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.

[thebluestbluewords]

Soulmates Aren’t Just Lovers, You Know (chapter 2!! It’s on ao3 now!! For real!!)

(malvie, ~4000 words, pre-relationship h/c, cw for mental health issues including non-explicit references to suicide and a lot of sad bits before the actual comfort)

When Mal wakes up again, there are a hell of a lot more people in her room.

Oh, fuck no. This is not some-- some kind of family meeting bullshit. She is so not down for that. Sometimes a girl just has to have a breakdown on her own, and it’s not anybody else’s business what she does when she’s in the throes of panic after having what might be the worst day of her entire life up to this point. Maybe the worst day period, if Mal has her way with it.

“Hey, Mal.” Evie says. “Good morning.”

Mal lets her eyes flicker over to the open window.

“Well, uh, it’s more like nighttime, actually.” Evie says. “But it’s the thought that counts. I brought you dinner, if that helps?”

She holds out a box from the dining hall.

Mal doesn’t want to sit up and eat dinner and pretend like she’s a real person. She wants to lay here forever until her bones rot and her flesh melts to the bed and she’s left as a discarded husk of a person.

“It’s those fancy potato pockets?” Evie offers, shaking the box a little bit. “And I think there’s dessert?”

Mal sits up. It feels like there’s a weight where her spine should be, but she manages it. “You think?” she asks. “You don’t even know what you got for me?”

Evie has the decency to flush. “When I said I got you dinner, what I meant is that dinner has been summoned for you, and I helped.” she says arily. “It was not meant to be taken literally.”

Mal reaches out for the box. “So, what you’re saying is, the boys brought me dinner.”

Evie nods, sharp. “Yes.”

“We got you apple cake.” Carlos offers. “But if you want something else we have the door code for the freezer.”

Of course they do. Mal knows that. She was there, she’s pretty sure, when they followed one of the assistant cooks around until they could watch her put the code in and take the knowledge for themselves. She’s definitely been there when they’ve gone into the main freezer before, not just the little student one. They don’t keep the raspberry popsicles in the student freezer. She knows this.

“You are….a menace to society.” Mal says, taking the box. It’s still warm. A little bit damp on the bottom, condensation from the warm food inside. It’s weird, to think that it’s been this easy all along. Just come to Auradon, and you can have all the hot food you want. No bartering, no threatening for it. No knives involved at all for the good little kiddies in princess school. Wouldn’t want them to get hurt, finding food for themselves. Wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to the precious little royal brats.

Anger might not be the right emotion, but it’s something other than empty, so Mal’s going to take what she can get.

Evie is kind enough to wait until Mal has one potato pocket in her mouth and another one in her hand before she speaks.

“So,” Evie starts, and Mal spits her potato thing out so that she can cut her off right there, because no, it doesn’t matter that the boys are in her room, or that Evie went to the effort of tracking them down and making them bring her dinner, this is not a family meeting and Mal is not going to sit here and listen to more people tell her that she’s doing everything wrong.

“No.” Mal snaps, and picks up her only-slightly-damaged dinner again. “We’re not talking about it.”

Evie sighs, dramatically. “No right back at you. We have to talk about this.”

“We don’t!” Mal says, around her mouthful of potato pocket. Fuck, but these things are good.  “We can just pretend like it never happened, and I can go back to--”

Evie interrupts her. “To being miserable all the time and not telling us?” she asks. “That’s what you want to happen?”

Ugh.

Mal flings an arm out, gesturing to the room, where her stylish little backpack is hanging up, where her princess-appropriate shoes are resting on their little white rack in the corner, where her-- okay, where her clothes are still in piles all over the floor and her textbooks for her science classes are sitting unopened on the desk but that’s fine. That’s normal. Everyone has weeks where their room is a mess, that’s why they have a cleaning staff to come around and do the things that the students are too busy to do themselves. It’s not Mal being lazy, it’s her adjusting. To this brave new world. Of. Being a spoiled rich brat.

Anyway.

“To coping!” Mal shouts, mad at herself and not-- just, so not ready to touch that one yet. “I’m coping. It’s fine. I’m just having a rough adjustment, that’s all. It’s hard, learning all of this new Auradon--stuff.”

“I don’t think you are,” Evie says, gently. “Coping is what we did months ago, when we were figuring out how to get through classes, and how to find sunscreen, and all of that. This kind of feels like, well.”

Ugh. “What.” Mal demands. “Spit it out.”

“Like you’re struggling.”

Oh. That’s-- yeah. That’s pretty obvious. Adjusting to the restrictions of school, to all of the times where back home Mal could go and do what she wanted and now she has to go to class and turn things in and speak in turn and not use her hands and sit up straight and share her things and--

It’s a lot. She’s been working on it.

“Sure.” Mal says, because it’s pretty fucking obvious that she’s putting in the effort. If she ends every day so tired she could cry and wakes up with sandpaper where her eyelids should be, that just means she’s working really hard at doing everything right. “Coping, struggling, whatever. I’ll get through it. It’s fine.”

“Mal, I don’t think it is fine.” says Evie. She looks--

Mal sticks another potato thing in her mouth instead of thinking about it. Emotions are overrated anyway.

Evie sighs again. “Some of the things you were saying, it feels like you aren’t happy here.”

“I--” Mal stutters. Stop. Breathe. “I--”

She’s not happy. Anyone with eyes to look at her right now, hiding pathetically in the bed of a girl who she wouldn’t even talk to a year and half ago, could see that. Mal’s pretty sure the lack of feeling that swallows her up sometimes isn’t the same thing as being unhappy, though. It’s the absence of happiness, not the presence of unhappiness. It’s fine. Survivable. She’s supposed to feel grateful, she knows that. She can show her best smile for the cameras, usually, and tell anyone within earshot how grateful she is for the chance to leave the island, and it’s not even a lie, most of the time. It’s awful being here, and it was awful being there, but at least it’s been a different kind of awful, and that’s got to be worth something.

Mal can convince herself, most of the time, that it’s better to be here. Better to be warm and dry and fed and miserable, than to be cold and starving and interested in her own life.

It’s just hard to remember that sometimes.

Jay shifts, pushing off of the table he’d been leaning on and then stopping, like he’s not sure where to move. “We’re not saying that you have to be happy all the time, or whatever,” he says “I’m not. Evie’s not. We’re-- yeah.” He hesitates. Even now, there’s things they aren’t talking about. “I don’t know what’s up with you and Ben, but he’s not happy all the time either. That’s how people work.”

Mal will not cry. “Ben hates me is what’s up with him.” she explains calmly, like a rational person who isn’t suddenly on the verge of tears over nothing. “ He wants me to give up magic completely and I can’t do that, I just can’t. It’s a part of me and it-- when I don’t use it, I’m cutting off a part of myself.”

“Have you talked to Fairy Godmother yet about the magical theory classes?” Evie asks softly. “Jane is taking them, and so is Aria. You wouldn’t be alone.”

Mal scoffs. “Magic theory. Like that’s good for anything.”

“It could help--”

The tears are back, suddenly.  Prickling hot at the back of Mal’s throat, threatening to choke her again. Making her voice wobble like she’s weak.

“It’s not going to help!” Mal shouts, instead of giving in to her other impulse, which is to start sobbing. “It’s not the same thing! I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, but it’s not something I can just-- wish away if I just try hard enough! I need to use magic, and it’s the only way I can be good enough--”

Oh, gods. Fuck. She wasn’t going to cry again.

Evie’s there again, touching Mal’s hand and then her hair, soft and cool and just right in a way that makes Mal want to cry more and not less. Like, Evie’s here, and she’s saying soft words that Mal can’t hear over the pounding in her own head, but it’s got to be just the right thing because Evie always knows the right thing to say whenever Mal is acting stupid again.

“I don’t--” Mal tries. “I--”

Evie wraps an arm over her shoulders and rocks both of them back and forth like she’s a child again.  “It’s okay,” she’s saying, or at least that’s what it seems like she might be saying. It’s hard to tell what with the hysterics and all. “I’ve got you.”

Mal holds her breath until there are spots over her vision, and then lets it out. It’s not easy, but it’s doable, which is more than she could have said just a few hours ago.

Jay shifts forward again and actually makes the move to sit on Mal’s other side this time. His shoulder just barely brushes against hers. It’s nice to just have him there. Grounding, or something.

“Hey. We’re not saying you have to give up magic, okay?” Jay says. “What about, like, we find a way for you to use it somewhere that’s not on your royal boyfriend?”

Oh no.

“He hates--” Mal sniffles. “Hates me anyway. Doesn't matter anymore.”

“Yeah. No. He doesn’t. Trust me on this one,  it takes a lot more than one spell to drive us guys away.”

“I’ve done a lot worse than one spell,” says Mal. “It’s more like-- a whole spellbook.”

Jay bumps her shoulder. It knocks her over into Evie a bit, but that’s just fine with Mal. Evie is always a good place to be. “He’s gonna forgive you.” Jay tells her, like it’s already happened. “He never shuts up about you, for real.”

“I don’t know if I want him to forgive me.” Mal whispers, low and terrible and mostly to herself. She doesn’t know--

She loves Ben, she thinks. She could love him. She does love him, maybe, but in the same way that she loves her other friends. There’s room in her heart for at least three people, but when one of them is so much more it’s hard to say if there’s any space left over for people who don’t get it.

It takes a long minute of sitting with that thought before Mal realizes that oh, right, she was saying something.

It feels too late to finish the thought. Limited-time offer, already expired. No more talking about boyfriends who aren’t what she needs right now anyway. Better to think about Evie instead, safe and warm at her back, or her boys, steady and bright and sweet in their own ways that Mal already understands. It’s easy to be with people you’ve known since you were children, even if they think more about stabbing and stealing than about treaties and marriage and life after high school and all of the things that Mal is supposed to be thinking about now.

Evie shoves Mal upright. “Okay,” she says, clapping her hands together. “I think it’s time to do something that’s not moping now!”

Mal wants to mope forever.  She doesn’t want to rehydrate and rest and do all of the things that Evie is going to make her do. Mal would happily (hah, as-if) stay flopped out in Evie’s bed, draped over Evie’s shoulder forever if she could. It would be easier than facing her problems. Simpler.

Evie pulls a metal dish out of her bag. “We brought popcorn, if you want to do the honor,” she says, clicking out the handle and waving the pan towards Mal.

It’s an effort just for Mal to be sitting up right now. Fire has always come easily, but the act of reaching out a hand might be too much. Transforming her throat to blow a breath of flame wouldn’t just be an effort physically, but mentally as well. It’s easy enough to change her whole shape at once, but there’s no space for a dragon to curl up in a dorm room and transforming her body in bits and pieces is so far beyond what Mal can manage right now that it might as well be impossible.

Mal shakes her head. Nope. All out of fire juice, can’t do it today.

The do have a microwave with a heating element, and at least three lighters between the four of them, so there’s really no need for Mal’s crew to look so fucking stricken.

Ugh. One hot hand won’t hurt too much, and if it can get them to stop looking at her like that, it’ll be worth the effort. “Fine. Give ‘em here,” Mal says, gesturing for the popcorn tin. “I’m doing this because I love you.”

Evie hands it over. “And I love you,” she says back, easily. “Let’s get some Stage Moms going. Let the boys get it set up while we get all cozy.”

Mal sniffles. The popcorn is heating up on her palm, where she’s sending a steady stream of heat up through to the container. It’ll pop in a minute, so long as she doesn’t do something dumb like forget to regulate the heat and light the whole thing on fire. “You don’t have to do this.”

Evie wraps an arm around her shoulders, jostling her close again. “I know. What are friends for, right?”

Oh, Evil.

Evie takes this new bout of tears in stride, pulling Mal close and rescuing the popcorn before it burns and producing a handkerchief from somewhere for Mal to wipe her nose with as she cries.  “I know, I know,” she says soothingly, as Mal sobs into her shoulder. “We’re here for you.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Shh, hey. You do, Mali. You do, and you always will. Nothing you do is gonna drive us away, okay? We’re your family, and you can’t make us leave even if you try.”

There’s a weight behind Mal, and oh, that’s the sound of Stage Moms up on somebody’s laptop, so the boys must be done getting that set up, and then there’s a hesitant hand patting her back, and oh--

“Um, please don’t try.” Carlos says. “We love you and all. But please don’t.”

There’s a jostling, and then the sounds of someone (Evie) whacking someone else (definitely Carlos, then) upside the head.

“If you need us, baby,” Evie says. “Wherever or whenever or anything. We’re here for you and you can’t change that even if you want to.”

“Even if I’m just like my mother?” Mal asks. She doesn’t want to, but she can’t seem to stop herself. It’s an awful compulsion, the constant need to weigh her actions against her mother’s. Following the trajectory of bright young girl to bitter young woman, to becoming more and more entwined with her magic, until finally she can’t resist the need for power anymore, and she snaps and starts cursing people left and right with no mind for the consequences.

Mal can’t look up. She can’t know what’s going on in this terrible silence that’s going to choke her, even though she wants to know, so very very much, what her crew is doing right now. How they’re going to lie to her when they try and reassure her that she’s not her mother and she won’t ever be, even though the roots are already there.

Evie doesn’t lie to her. “Even then.” she says. “We’d still follow you, Mal. Even if you start cursing people with no rhyme or reason. I’ll always get you back.”

Another wave of hot tears somehow trickle out. “I want to go home.” Mal whispers. She wouldn’t have to worry about dragging her crew back with her if they were home. If they’d never left in the first place. Curse Auradon for making her think about things like morality and goodness and what she could have if only she could be a good girl for a little bit longer. Curse them all.

Evie sighs, and Mal can feel her chest rise and fall with it where they’re squished together on the little island of Evie’s bed. “I know, babe,” Evie says. “You keep saying that.”

Goddess help them all. “I want to go home,” Mal tries to explain. “Not, like, to my mother. I just-- I hate it here. I don’t understand any of the rules and I don’t know how to be a princess like you, Eves. I don’t--” Mal breaks off to swipe a hand over her face. She is not going to cry again,  not with almost everyone she cares about still here to watch. “I don’t think I can keep up with everything anymore. I just want a break.”

Evie sighs again, and rubs a hand over Mal’s back, gentle-like. “What if we got you one?” she says, so softly that Mal almost misses it.

She doesn’t though, and that’s what matters. “What?” Mal asks. Tries to demand, really, but it doesn’t come out quite right.

Evie’s hand doesn’t break rhythm. “A break. We can do that. Get you some time to regroup.”

“I don’t-- it won’t help--”

“Hm.” Evie says, and it sounds skeptical even though it’s barely a noise at all. “You don’t think I can do it?”

“I-- no!”  Mal says, almost tearful again. Fuck, what’s gotten into her, crying at the drop of a brick like this. “You could-- anything, Eves. You can do anything you want, I’m not doubting you.”

Evie conveniently ignores the final emphasis. “Great!”

Oh no.

“No, ” Mal tries to tell her. “I don’t-- Eves.”

“You said I can do anything I want.” Evie challenges, dangerous even under her sparkly lipgloss. Dangerous because of it, maybe. Like a poisonous moth. Something beautiful that you should know better than to touch. “I’m doing it.”

“You did say that.” Jay echoes, watching Mal a little too closely with those stupid bright eyes of his. “Like, just now.”

“I lied.” Mal says immediately. “I’ve never- I would never say a thing like that.”

“Mmm.” says Evie, petting a hand over Mal’s head. It feels not-so-great, so Mal ducks away. She doesn’t need to be reminded of her hair just now. “I don’t think you did. I think you know I’m right, and you’re afraid to think about what it means.”

Oh no. “Can we not psychoanalyze me right now?” Mal begs.

Just like that, Evie backs off. “Sure.” she says breezily. “We can plan your getaway instead. Do you want to see the mountains?”

“I--” Mal tries, but the words stick. “Sure?”

“I think there’s a cabin up there that I can convince, ah,’ Evie barely stutters, but she does wince, and goes on anyway. Great. That’s perfect.  “Nobody in particular! To let us borrow!”

“Eves, please no.”

Evie breaks out into a brilliant smile “Oh yes. Do you think two weeks is enough? An extended spring break, so to speak,  and then we can talk about a longer-term kind of thing.”

Running away forever sounds like something that might be good, but forever also implies some sort of continued existence, and Mal’s really not sure if she’s down for that just now.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.” she says, instead of the full thought. “What if it doesn’t change anything?”

“It’s a great idea,” says Evie. “All of my ideas are great, remember?”

“You’re coming with me, right?” Mal asks, hating how pathetic it comes out. She’s not a child, but she feels silly and childish again, watching her best friend plan out how to fix her life.

Evie pauses. “If you want us to,” she says, hesitant for the first time. “I don’t want to put any more pressure on you.”

Oh. The thought strikes Mal for the first time in this awful, no-good, very bad day that maybe she’s not the only one who doesn’t know what she’s doing here. That maybe Evie is scared too.

“I want you there.” Mal says firmly. This, at least, is something she knows. “I want all of you, but please, Eves, I need you there. Don’t send me away on my own.”

“I think we can do that.”

Mal doesn’t want to show her whole soul here, but it’s too easy to just tip her face up towards Evie’s, like she’s a flower reaching for the bright Auradon sun. “Yeah?” she asks hopefully.

Evie brushes a piece of Mal’s hair out of her face, so gentle that it doesn’t even tug on the tangles. “For sure.” she says. “We can go with you.”

“All of you?” Mal asks again, pathetically. “Just for a week, please.”

There’s an intense conversation happening in eyebrows and facial twitching going on over her head, but Mal isn’t ready to follow that just yet, and eventually it seems to resolve itself and Jay reaches over to pat her head. “Yeah, fine.” he says. “All of us.”

Evie lets out a breath. “It’s settled then. An extended spring break, starting next week. Can you do one more week, Mal? We can always call you out sick.”

Mal can’t imagine leaving her room in the next week, much less leaving campus to go out to another unknown place for an extended period of time. “I can do it.” she says, instead of explaining. Classes are the lesser of the two obstacles right now, and besides, she can’t ask the others to take the time off from the classes that they’re finally doing well in. It wouldn’t be fair to them. She’s already-- oh, Evil. She’s asking Jay to give up the university visit he was going to do over break. Fuck. Maybe he can travel down and back, but he hates driving on his own, and she’s already asking so much of them, coming with her at all, and oh--

“We’ll call out early next week.” Evie whispers to her. “One week with everyone, and then we can have a week just for us if you’re up for it, okay?”

Of course Evie already has it all figured out. “Okay.” Mal whispers back to her. “I’ll be okay.”

“Oh, good.” Evie says, at a more normal volume this time. “If you’re feeling up to it, there is one other thing--” she picks up her phone and tilts the screen over towards Mal.

There’s a whole mess of texts, and at least two missed calls that Mal can see already. From a very particular number. Oh, gods.

“No.” Mal says as firmly as she can manage. “No way.”

Evie doesn’t lower the phone. “He’s been calling me.”

“Then tell him to not!” Mal bursts out. “I can’t talk to him about this now!”

Evie grins at that. A full-out, unladylike, evil grin. “Gladly.” she says sweetly, and taps to immediately dismiss the whole mess.

What.

“Really?” Mal asks incredulously.  Evie loves being proper and outwardly kind and not telling people to fuck off to their faces. Evie is a firm believer in the idea that insults stick best when the person has to say ‘thank you’ and ideally won’t even question it until they’re back home that night (where they’re most vulnerable, Evie says. It’s just efficiency to make sure that you’re always hurting people while their guard is down).

“Mal. Baby.” Evie says, shifting so she can talk with her hands without Mal’s sad droopy self in the way. “You don’t know how long I have been waiting to tell this boy to fuck off and let you adjust on your own time. You broke up with Uma like, a month before we came here. That’s not long enough to jump right into another long term relationship, no matter what this Auradon boy thinks. You need time, and space, and I will tell him to give you all of that.”

Mal will not stare with her mouth open like a fish. She’s better than that.

“Wow, okay, Eves.” Jay says, almost laughing. Right.

“Go Evie!” Carlos practically cheers. Of course the boys are still here too. They wouldn’t leave the perfect opportunity for drama behind just because Mal is having a moment.

Evie nods to them, graciously. “Thank you, thank you.” she says. “I do take requests.” she hesitates for a moment. “But, um, Mali, do you want to maybe write him a letter? I can drop it off when I make the call. Make sure he really gets the message.”

“Yeah. I think that-- that would be good. I need space. And time.”

Evie picks up Mal’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “Of course.”

“You’ll really do it for me?”

Evie’s eyes are dark and intense and so, so close. “Anything, Mal.” she says. “Just say the word and I’m yours.”

Oh. That’s-- well.

Maybe more than Mal can handle at this exact moment, honestly, but something that is going to be very very important just as soon as she gets her shit together again.

Evie’s face is still very close.

Mal pulls back. “I love you.” she says. It just feels like the right thing to do. “So much, Eves. I love you more than anything.”

Evie’s mouth quirks up at the corner. “More than strawberries?”

“More than strawberries.” Mal echoes back. More than anything, really. “More than chocolate.”

Evie brushes that stupid piece of blonde hair out of her eyes again, and the touch isn’t even a bother this time. “That’s a lot of love,” she says “You’d better be sure about that kind of thing.”

More than anything.

“I’m sure,” Mal tells her. “I love you.”

[sweet-symphony0]

Despair

  Hey hey, guess who’s back and finally had time to write! Happy Twin Tuesday! This one is...current, I’ll say. That’s all I’m going to say.

Summary: 01/06/2021. Rami and Sami can’t believe their eyes. They cope the only way they know how.

 Tags: @the-real-ramimalekpeen @xmxisxforxmaybe @killerqueengigi @txmel @laminy @ramimedley @rathernotmyname @ramilicious @sherlollydramoine @edteche2 @hah0106

---

Sami’s phone was ringing, he could hear it vibrating in his bag from he stood next to his desk, surveying his thirty students, their attention quickly diminishing. He ignored it, even as it rang a second time. 

“Alright guys-hey, don’t pack up yet, this is important-reading for tonight is chapter 12, your essays on Slaughterhouse Five are due Friday, so don’t forget.” There were groans heard from around the room, and Sami continued, “and no, I won’t be accepting any late papers; I gave you a month and a half for this. That’s more than generous, get it done.”

There were more groans and Sami smirked inwardly to himself as the bell rang and students began shuffling out the door, with a few calls of “see ya, Mr. Malek!” and Sami smiled. “Yeah, have a good day guys. Nice work today.”

When the last student was out the door, Sami took a moment to himself, glad he now had a free period before his next class. He cleared his throat, and began erasing the notes from the smartboard in preparation for the next round, when his phone vibrated and he remembered someone was trying to reach him, idly wondering what was so important that someone would call him at work.

Skimming his notifications, he frowned. Three texts from Rami, a missed call from him, and two texts from friends which he ignored for the time being, instead reading Rami’s messages:

“I know you’re at work, but you need to see this.” and underneath, in a separate message, a link to a CNN article that read “Rioters break windows and breach US Capitol.”

Sami stared, bewildered, and then read the third message Rami had sent.

“Turn on the news.”

Sami reread the headline, clicking the link Rami had sent, and he skimmed the article, his mind reeling.

“What the fuck...?”

Rami’s response was instant:

“You need to turn on the fucking news. Now.”

Sami wasted no time in rushing to the staff room, thanking his stars he had a break for the next forty minutes. It didn’t surprise him that nearly a quarter of the staff were already there, and he slipped inside, spotting a few of his colleagues from the English department. Even though the second bell had rung, no one in the room bothered to move, their eyes transfixed on the news coverage blaring from the TV. And as Sami turned his gaze to watch too, he felt his stomach sink in dread.

There were a cacophony of murmurs around the room, Sami catching tidbits here and there.

“What are we going to do?”

“There’s nothing we can do right now-”

“No, we can’t just-someone has to explain to the kids-”

“No, they’ll find out soon enough, we keep teaching like normal-”

“This is a high school,” one of Sami’s friends in the history department finally sighed tiredly. “You really think those kids don’t know by now? They have social media and cell phones. They know. And we can go about like usual, but this is something we’re all going to be talking about tomorrow.”

Sami’s eyes drifted back to the television, watching intently as he drowned everyone else out. They were inside the building now, hoards of them, a never ending sight. Sami watched with wide, disbelieving eyes, horrified as people scaled the building walls, smashed through windows, and he couldn’t help but think frantically: why wasn’t anyone doing anything?

He snorted to himself. Right. You know why.

He didn’t think he’d be able to go back to work after this. Slowly, one by one, his colleagues filtered out as most of them had classes to attend to that period and couldn’t push being late anymore. Once he was alone, Sami sank into one of the chairs, eyes glued to the newscast, feeling frozen from what he seeing.

He felt sick.

He texted Rami back and forth, a steady stream of furious conversation, not even realizing when the bell rang. Scrambling out of his seat, he rushed back to his room, just in time for when kids started filing in.

“Hi guys,” he pasted a smile on his face. “Settle down, and we’ll get started.”

He taught on autopilot, the forty minutes going by without him realizing, and before he knew it, kids were standing up and he was calling out the same thing from before: “read chapter twelve tonight, your essays are due Friday...”

Whatever previous intentions Sami had about sticking around the rest of the school day to get his work done, he threw right out the window. Racing home, he dug through his fridge for a beer, and then after better judgement, grabbed another, before he turned his TV on and called Rami.

Sami didn’t even let him say hi. “Are you safe?”

“Yeah,” Rami nodded. He was moving through his apartment, Sami could see, presumably to get to a quieter spot, and his gaze was off to the side, watching something. “I’m fine. Nothing here has happened yet, thankfully.”

“Listen,” Sami said urgently. “Stay inside okay? Don’t go out today if you don’t have to. You don’t-no one knows what will happen. Please.”

“I’m not moving,” Rami said. “I can’t-fucking after this, I can’t concentrate. I’m supposed to be rehearsing lines for tomorrow but fuck that. This is insane.”

Sami watched as the mob of people made their way inside the Rotunda, and he sank onto the couch. Then a few minutes later, they were inside the Senate chamber, pushing things around, and when he changed the channel to find another possible view, there was a photo up of a man carrying a confederate flag.

“Oh my fucking god.”

Rami’s voice was low. “I know. It gets worse.”

“Oh no, don’t say that.”

“They-they took down the American flag,” Rami said with barely restrained rage. “And replaced it. With a fucking Trump flag.”

Sami choked. “You’re not serious.”

“I wish I weren’t. And our president,” Rami scoffed. “is encouraging it. Fucking-” he stopped short, thinking for a moment on whether or not to complete what he wanted to say, before he shook his head in exasperation. “It’s all so exhausting.”

“That’s unconstitutional,” Sami murmured, flipping channels again, and he dropped his beer when he saw the constructed noose on the other side of the Capitol, staining the carpet, but he didn’t care. “Who is that for?! What the fuck!”

“What? What am I missing?”

Sami didn’t answer, still rooted on the spot, watching as officers finally brought out tear gas. “Fuck...is there any update on the Senators?”

“Not that I can tell. Though they are saying a few Republican ones are agreeing with this bullshit.”

Suddenly everything clicked, and Sami realized why today, of all days, this was happening. As he watched the coverage of Trump’s tweet, the rally earlier that morning, he idly wondered how much damage had already been caused, and whatever else he’d missed.

“I’m not drunk enough for this,” he sighed, and Rami chuckled flatly.

“I’ve had a bottle of wine open for the last hour. Wish you were here to join me.”

“Well,” Sami stood up, grimacing at the mess he’d made from the spilled beer. “I can join you from afar. What are you drinking?” Rami gave him the name of a Cabernet they were both fond of, and Sami grinned triumphantly when he found a spare bottle in the back of his wine cooler. Propping his phone up on the counter against the block of chopping knives, he made quick work in opening and pouring himself a generous glass. “Cheers, man.”

“Cheers. What are we cheers-ing to?”

Sami hummed, licking the bit of wine that had dripped down his finger. “To the compete and utter fuckery that has been...the six days of this new year.”

“That works,” Rami was silent for a moment, both of them lost in their thoughts, watching the news again. “You know, I...obviously after the last four years there’s been a lot of unrest and contempt. But to this extent, for thousands of people to..to believe-”

“Say an election is rigged and then stop the process in almost every way they can?” Sami took a generous sip of his wine. “To destroy the Capitol? Yeah. I know.”

“Unbelievable,” Rami said succinctly, and after a moment: “I should’ve stayed in London.”

“They’re not much better,” Sami snickered, glancing at his twin. “Besides, London doesn’t have me.”

Rami laughed. “You think I plan my life around you?”

“What, you mean you don’t? I’m shocked. That hurts.”

“Definitely not,” Rami smirked and Sami laughed.

“Alright hot shot, don’t let that hair gel go to your brain too. There’s enough on your head already.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Rami was grinning, and Sami grinned back.

“Just trying to keep you humble, you know. I don’t give a shit if you have a shiny gold toy now.”

“Wow,” Rami muttered. “You wish your hair looked as good.”

“A greasy mess? Yeah, no thanks.”

Rami laughed again, and Sami grinned, pleased at the fact, sipping his wine again as they turned back to the news. “Fuck, it really is a shit show isn’t it?”

“I’ve always said he would leave the White House, but he’ll burn it down with him as he goes.”

“Yeah,” Sami sighed, his anger boiling all over again. “Looks like it. I wish you were wrong.”

“Me too.”

Glancing at the clock, he saw it had been a hour since he’d gotten home, which meant it was around 4pm on the east coast. Tuning back to the coverage, the mob outside the Capitol had grown, more people were scaling the wall to get inside, and Sami couldn’t help but think how all too easy it was for them.

“So uh...where’s the tear gas? The rubber bullets? The arrests?”

Rami snorted. “You’re fucking kidding, right? C’mon. Like that applies to them.”

Sami snorted too, and then laughed weakly, which turned into a laughing fit, and he could hear Rami calling his name. “Sorry...it’s just...fuck all of them.”

Rami raised his glass in a toast before he downed it in one go, pouring another serving. “Amen.”

“God, how am I supposed to explain this to my kids? You’re telling me I have to go to work tomorrow after this?”

“Same here,” Rami said. He was moving again, and Sami could see he was back in the kitchen too, digging through his refrigerator. He produced a bunch of grapes, a platter of salami, and a block of cheddar cheese, and Sami watched as he began to assemble an antipasti platter for one. “I don’t want to head to work. Seems pointless, after this.”

Sami bit his lip thoughtfully. “It’s not...useless. Use it. You’re angry-”

“Angry? No, I’m well passed pissed off at this point.”

“There you go. Use it, use that rage towards your scenes and whatever your character is. It’s...” Sami shrugged meekly at Rami, who was watching him intently. “It’s the only thing we can do at times like this, right?”

“I suppose,” Rami muttered, a tired expression on his face, and popped a grape into his mouth. He turned around, opening the fridge again and came back holding some hummus and olives in his hand. “I imagine it’ll be the only thing anyone will talking about for the next week. Rightfully so.” He opened the olives, laying a few of them out next to the salami, and stuck the jar back into the fridge. 

Sami was bemused. “How much are you eating?”

“As much as it takes to get through this shit show. I’m supposed to be on a diet right now, but I don’t give a shit. If I’m going to wine and dine watching this, I might as well do it properly.”

“Now I really wish I were there.”

“Yeah, me too. It would make it more bearable. But...this will do for now.”

Sami went silent, watching the TV again, which was now reporting about gunshots and a woman wounded. “Jesus Christ.”

Rami was muttering under his breath. “Shit, shit, shit, shit-”

They didn’t speak after that, both of them too lost in watching the news coverage, and Sami gripped his glass tightly as took a breath in to ease his anxiety.

Swallowing, he poured another glass, knowing he wouldn’t be finishing the bottle, and instead capped it and placed it in the fridge for tomorrow. It was an odd feeling, one that “scared” wouldn’t be able to cover. It was a looming, threatening feeling; something like this was so deeply entrenched in the fabric of the country. It wasn’t something that would go away on January 20th, as much as he wished for that. He wasn’t surprised that people had so much hatred for anyone other than themselves were coming out of the woodwork, blindly following what their commander in chief told them. The repercussions of this day would be something that would take a long time to repair.

“I’m tired,” he said suddenly. Rami’s voice was quiet, and though Sami didn’t elaborate, Rami seemed to understand what he meant perfectly.

“I know. So am I.”

---

When the crowds eventually thinned out, and Sami went back to work the next morning, he read the highlights of things he’d missed, flipping through the photos of the wreckage before the first period bell rang. When students trickled in, he was met with a sea of somber faces, and he knew he wouldn’t be teaching his regular lesson plans for the day. He felt enraged all over again.

Instead, he hopped up onto his desk, sitting cross legged and observing his students. “Alright. I would be...a very poor educator if I didn’t bring up what happened yesterday to all of you. And I know you’ll hear about it later in the day, I’m sure, but what we do here as teachers affects you guys for the rest of your lives. Now I don’t really care if you can’t tell me the imagery themes in The Great Gatsby, but I do care if you can’t think for yourselves. You’ll be reading and hearing a lot different things in the next coming weeks from people who think they’re right. And you’re all old enough, in my opinion, to have your own opinions on this. That being said, we all know what the banned book list is, correct?”

There were students nodding, and Sami nodded too, and he hopped off the desk to pull said list up. “Good. Pick a book from here, read it. There’s a reason all these books are banned from certain school curriculum, and I want you guys to pick one, and tell me why. It’s January. For every book you manage to get through from now till June, if you give me a one page analysis on your thoughts, I’ll give you extra credit that counts towards your final.” His students perked up at that, and he smiled inwardly. “Five points for every book, sound good?” There were murmurs of approval, and Sami continued, “it’s not mandatory, so don’t feel pressured to this. But I would...appreciate it if you did.”

“What if we read them all?” Someone asked.

There was always one.

Sami’s lips quirked up in amusement. “Good luck. You’ll notice there’s plenty of books on there we’ve read already.”

His students started chattering excitedly, and Sami cleared his throat, glancing at his copy of The Color of Water, which is what they were studying now. They would be finishing that tomorrow, the test for it was Monday, something which Sami had to make over the weekend. He hadn’t decided what to teach next, his gaze drifting to the copies of To Kill A Mockingbird in the back of the classroom, which was what he was planning to start Monday, after the kids took their test.

He debated on it, and then Rami’s words came back to him from the night before.

“He’ll leave the White House, but he’ll burn it down with him as he goes.”

He cleared his throat. “Guys, we’re just going to finish reading for the rest of the period, and we’ll go over the whole book for tomorrow before your test. So if you’ve got your books, take ‘em out.”

Later, once his classes were over for the day, he headed to the library, intent on finding Maria and asking for his next lesson plans.

“Hey Sami,” she greeted. “Back again? How’d they fare with Color of Water?”

“Not bad,” Sami said. “We’re finishing it up, test is Monday.”

“So, you’re here for Mockingbird?”

“No I’ve got Mockingbird,” he murmured, scanning the bookshelves. “That was what I was going to go with originally, but I’ve had a change of heart. Do you know if any of the faculty is teaching Orwell at the moment?”

“The freshmen, some of them are doing Animal Farm. But none of the AP classes right now. Which one?”

Sami spotted what he was looking for, and based on the piles of books they had, no one else had taught it yet, or he was late to the game.

“1984.”

[acadstuds]

my first ever year in uni is done! to commemorate, I’ve wanted to share how I experienced college and how I coped through it, with the stress and all. although with the current times, some of these may not be relevant as of the moment since most have transitioned to online classes, though when the time comes and we can all do onsite classes once again, I hope this would help you guys in some way! 😊 this is typewritten in laps lock btw sorry hihi

(note that I said ‘kinda’ since these are all just personal opinions and obviously, we all have different experiences hehe but nonetheless I hope this is helpful ily all <3 also, I put related links in some parts so that you guys can check it out if you want!)

what to expect in uni?

adjustment period. this is inevitable. the length varies to each person, however. some may instantly click within just a day, but others it may take weeks. hey, it's okay. don't beat yourself up for it. it takes time! you'll learn to be comfortable with your surroundings in time.

adapting to new surroundings. like I said, this varies. but personally, it would be great it if you become familiar with places around your uni and all the hidden treasures it has for you within your first few weeks. this will make it easier for you to find a place you can call your own nook, where you can feel comfortable staying while studying, like a hole-in-the-wall cafe or study hub. this helps give you a sense of constancy, having a place that you can always go to.

feeling like an outsider. it happens. being a freshman obviously means that you don't know anything that happens within the campus. the traditions are all new to you and don't be embarrassed if you're not aware of it beforehand. heck, most of them doing it probably don't even know them when they were freshmen either. soon, you'll come to learn about it, and it may even become part of your traditions as well!

how to make friends?

try to at least to make one friend or two during the start, especially when you are given tours or any freshmen activity the uni has prepared, so you won't be alone and risk getting lost by yourself!

if you have a block, this goes the same as well! a simple smile and some small talk can do wonders. then again, it is completely understandable if you can't make the first move. don't fret over it! there will be a lot of friendly and nice people who can do so, and you can start from there :)

but remember also, this people you get to know may or may not be the ones you'll be spending your whole college life with. sometimes by the end of the year, you're not even seeing the first people you hung out with, and that's completely okay! but also remember to have at least someone with you, a support system if you may call it. I swear it will make your life in college 100x more bearable, especially if you're far away from your friends back at home.

(quick disclaimer: I commute my way to uni, so I don't have a dorm, but I have tons of friends who do! so here's what I learned through them, especially during the times I had to stay the night at their place for a requirement or a night out drinking hehe)

having a designated container for everything

this makes everything easier to navigate to, especially if you're running late since you already know what you need to get and where to get it. if you have roommates, this makes it easier for you to know whose is who and avoid mixing all of your things together.

you can buy some cute little boxes for your containers to add some decorations, but if you decide to go with some old brown food pack boxes, as long as you know where you're putting them, go ahead.

how you decide to organize them in the container, however, is completely up to you. to recommend, I would like to follow the ever so famous KonMari method (here’s a good article to understand all about it, with videos!) as this has really made it easier for me personally in my own room, as I have my own containers as well.

stay clean - please do.

for starters, I think it's completely necessary to at least clean your room, like a general cleaning, once a month.

sweeping the floor? at least twice a week.

taking the trash out? at least every other day.

cleaning/organizing your desk? every time before you go to bed or before class. 

this will help not just in making everything more sanitized, but it’s also a good way to practice self-discipline. cleaning is also known to be very therapeutic! (great article links here: x, x) like they say, a clear desk, clear mind. keeping your space clean is the least you can do for yourself.

roommates

it is both a hit or miss if you're roommates with a friend. believe me. this can either strengthen your relationship, or not.

the important thing here is that you both respect each other's privacy, and each other's space. all the better if both of you are on the same page when it comes to how to clean your place, but if not,   the best thing is that you make it clear between the both of you to not interfere with one another when it comes to your sides of the room. i've had friends whose dorm looks like two different places at once, but they made it work!

essentials

my previous post regarding my bag essentials (here) is still the same as ever even in uni, with just a few additions! you can click the link if you want to see the whole length of it, but if you can’t, here’s a summary of what I think is the most needed things in your bag:

water bottle (drink your h2o pls)

sanitary kit + medicine kit

power bank (with a cord ofc)*

extra change

earphones

alcohol/hand sanitizer (!!!)

mask*

umbrella* (side note: the weather whenever I’m in uni seems to be so random I swear, it’s all sunny then after not even an hour passes, it’s so cloudy and looks like it could rain anytime! So yes, umbrella is needed.)

*these are new additions from the previous post I did! make sure those items that have cords have cord holders, too! So it’s more organized 😉

how to organize them

there isn’t really an exact way to organize it, but again, the best thing for me is to make sure that it is accessible for you to get what you need quickly. I personally use small containers to keep those with the same purpose together (like the kits and a pouch for my power bank and earphones)

if your bag has pockets on the side, put your water bottle there and your umbrella to save some space inside!

to avoid any possible theft, put your most valuable items at the bottom of your bag (like for example, your wallet, if you don’t need it and you have some loose change with you, put it at the bottom)

keeping it clean

my only advice for this is that you should clean and organize your bag pretty frequently. like your room, cleaning your bag can also be therapeutic (refer to previous links!). taking the trash out like scrap paper and other junk can be actually be cathartic for you and help release some stress.

importance of tracking expenses

here’s the thing: money can be pretty scary. even though I still live at  home with my parents, balancing my allowance for the week is pretty stressing! what more for those far away from their homes? you really need to be aware of what you’re buying and how much money you’re spending each day so that you can track and find the best way to utilize your allowance.

it's so tempting to spend a lot, especially when you’re with friends. It would be better if you and your friends also keep it in mind on checking your expenses! me and my friends, to save, would just usually go to the same place most days of the week that has a menu that is within our budget. this is so that when we have plans on going out by the end of the week or after a hellish one, we have some money to spare and splurge on!

It’s a good thing to note, especially in countries where student loans are commonly used, that tracking expenses and saving money can be extremely helpful in the long run. (I live in the PH so I am entirely familiar with student loans in the US and other countries so here’s an article that I think could help regarding saving money as a college student: link here)

why you need to save

learning how to save money is pretty beneficial for you and your discipline with handling money. this will definitely let you realize the value of it.

having extra money is extremely important because there will always be times when you suddenly need to spend, whether it be for a requirement or an emergency, and you need to prepared for those situations.

personally, saving money makes me feel independent and that I can manage on my own even if I still live with my parents. for those that are far away from their homes, this can be the same for them, too.

some tips in saving money

budgeting your money. my way of budgeting my money is that I would always take off 10-15% of my allowance first and immediately put that part of my savings for the week. after, I would equally divide the remaining money to each day I have classes for my lunch and commute (I only have classes 4 days a week with a uniform schedule, so I work around that). there would be times that I overspend due to needed contributions for requirements, so I make sure to always check how much there is of my savings and if ever, I would lower the 10-15% savings for that week to about 5%.

If you don’t need it immediately, don’t buy it. my rule for this is if I take more than 5 minutes to think about if I need or not, then it just means that I don’t need it immediately, so I let it go. If you really need that particular item, you wouldn’t spend so much time wondering if you really need to. so, bye and see you when I need you!

group meals all day, every day! sharing meal combos with your friends are definitely one of the best ways to save since you all are saving some extra cash. make sure to plan accordingly with your friends so that you get the best deal, and eat some good food without hearing a cry from your wallet.

student discounts are lifesavers. no matter how small or big the percentage off is, it will sure be a blessing so use it whenever you can! (the psychology students of my college have a organization called PsychSoc and all of us psych students are given these ‘psych cards’ that you can use with a 10% discount to all the stores given in the card, and yes you can say that I am using my card a lot haha)

there are a lot more that I would share that I think is extremely helpful especially to my fellow Filipinos, but I’m planning to make a separate post for that!

importance of managing your time with studies and orgs

admittedly, healthy study habits are hard to keep up with. this is especially challenging if you’re in an org or a club that’s pretty active and you have to split your time with it and your studies. keeping a routine can with help that! it is extremely important that you have a guide to follow so that you won’t feel like you’re swarmed with all of the pending tasks to do, whether it’s for your org or your class.

starting a routine. beginning something is always awkward, and sometimes you don’t know where to start so here’s some simple things I can suggest:

cutting back on your time on social media and streaming websites and adding more to your study time. that series you want to binge-watch? it can wait. set a time in your week where you can watch it and try to pace yourself. that goes for whatever is happening on twitter, facebook, or any social media.

trying the pomodoro technique! old, but gold. here’s a great post regarding it: (x)

doing your papers or other tasks immediately. better start now, than regret not doing so later. finishing a task immediately means you’re already done with one thing on your list, and this will help prevent you from piling up things on your to do list and cram at the last minute!

schedule non-academic or non-org related group hangouts after major activities and not before. you’re friends need to be on the same page with you with this, and it’s better that you are all agreeing with setting a night out on a date that is academic free, so you won’t have to worry about passing or attending something the next day.

understand that sometimes it’s okay to prioritize one over the other. if you have a major exam upcoming, talk to your org officers and tell them the you won’t be attending that much, they will understand! and also, tell yourself that it’s okay to shorten your study time for an important org event. you don’t have to always split your time equally, you just to need to split it based on what is more important for you at the moment.

 And lastly,

why you shouldn't forget to have fun

come on, you’re in college! have fun, meet new people, go out and drink (responsibly) and just feel like a college student. You don’t always have to be studying, you should make time for yourself to take a break and just relax and interact with your friends.

this will make things more bearable. college is an experience and you should experience it to the fullest. make your time count! doing this makes it easier to cope with your college life in the long run.

having fun is okay. don’t forget that! with all the stress coming through, especially during finals week, adding some fun makes it worth it. doing group studies with your friends, with you guys actually studying, is bound to bring some unexpected funny moments you’ll never forget. taking a breather from studying and playing some games can also be beneficial for you to relieve some stress. and like I said, maybe cleaning can help, too! just make sure that you’re not relaxing or studying too much, as too much can be harmful. always remember to try to balance things out, and that you got this! go and kick college’s butt!

thanks for making it up to here! it means a lot! and while we’re at it, buy me coffee? https://ko-fi.com/acadstuds <3

[thebooki3h]

Harry Potter x Draco Idea

It’s years after the war. Harry is the DADA professor at Hogwarts. both to teach students because he loves it and to help students in ways that adults could not help him. He is head of the DADA club as well as the Wizarding world 101 club for those who grew up with muggles so they can better acclimate to the wizarding world. Hermione helped him set up that last one)

the DADA club is pretty self explanatory. harry teaches defense spells and those spells rank by skill not by year. he also teaches hand to hand defense because one day you many not have magic. (he emphasizes this part for the girls. he's been to the clubs and he hates how girls can be treated) he also emphasizes prevention. he talks about how to prevent another dark lord.

some days they don’t even practice defense they just talk about what bother them. those days can be sad. but their nice. ( that reminds him he should talk to Hermione about setting up mental health clinics muggles have those and his therapist has been very helpful)

Harry and ginny broke up shortly after the war because as much as they loved each other, they just weren’t right for one another. 

Ginny becomes a famous quidditch player

Hermione becomes a Wizard lawyer. so she can put laws in place that would help prevent another dark lord from rising 

she also has plans to tackle the treatment of magical creatures. (Dobby and lupin haunt her and visit her nightmares often) but there's only so much that one can do in a year and she does not want to repeat 3 year

She pushes for laws that protect children so no one has to go through what tom riddle or harry went through

she also moves for primary school for wizarding children so they get to socialize with others and learn about the muggle world and their science. 

Hermione becomes minister of magic and incorporates muggle ideas like foster care and child protective services into the wizarding world because after she saw how Harry she could never in good conscious let other children go through that

Ron started auror training and became an auror for a few years because it is what helped him cope with Freds death. But after all of the death eaters were given trials and sentenced, he retired from the force and partnered with George to help expand the Weasleys Wizard Wheezes. 

He even opens up a partner store in the muggle world. (getting their toys and pranks to work without magic was tough but it really helped bond them together.) It’s what Fred would have wanted anyway.

and ron and Hermione are still together because the war made them closer and when they were apart 7th year it was awful, but they don't get married no matter how much Molly wants them to. they’re in their 20s and they still have time

Luna is a well respect reporter. The Quibbler is now the Wizarding worlds most trusted news source. (especially after Rita skeeter was arrested for defamation of character) (something Hermione presided over with pride)

she is also the only reporter that any of the students at Hogwarts in Harrys year will speak to. Most other student who attended the school while harry was there (especially after seeing what happened to him during 4th year) will only speak to her anyway. but it is not as hard a rule especially if they didn't really interact with harry.

Harry formally adopted Teddy when he was 6 years old. Teddy had been living with harry since he was 1 and a half because Andromeda couldn’t take care of him anymore. but he wanted Teddy to give him permission first.

Harry makes sure to tell Teddy all about his birth parents and about how much they loved him and about how much Harry love them.

the day Teddy called harry dad. harry most definitely did not cry in for an hour after teddy left for primary school

Teddy lives with harry in the castle during the school year. ( because where else would he live. all of the other professors lie in the castle. and harry may or may not be very paranoid about something happening to teddy, but that is something he talks about with his mind healer and not you so shut up)

Draco goes to school to become a potions master so he can work at St mungos and help people.

he still feels guilty about the war and about how he treated others during his Hogwarts years. he quickly learns that no one wants to be healed by him. he looks like his father more and more every year.

he hates that he has done all of those awful things. but he is making up for them! it takes the public awhile to see it but the glares aren’t as bad anymore.

but his fathers actions haunt him. and he wants to separate himself from his father as much as possible. so he does the unthinkable and dies his hair.

at first he uses spells but he finds the muggle way soothing.

he eventually gets a job at Hogwarts when he is 24 as the potions master. (bc let’s be honest Slughorn was a temporary solution at best he was NOT supposed to be at Hogwarts this long)

it is at this point where he meets teddy. Teddy roams the halls and visits classes from time to time. so long as he does not disturb any of the teachers that is

he gets excited when he sees a teacher with bright purple hair. (he thinks he found another Metamorphmagus. so he follows them to their classroom. he’s never seen them before and he wants to get to know them)

Draco is shocked to see a small child in his class, but he was warned about teddy so he kept his infamous Malfoy mask on to hide his surprise 

teddy is obviously disappointed that Draco isn’t a Metamorphmagus like him, but he asks Draco all about his hair and how he got it like that. Teddy’s hair may or may not match dracos for the next week, but he’ll deny it if you ask him.

teddy sits through all of dracos classes for that week as well. he does is school work and tries not to disrupt. (mcgonagall was very helpful in teaching teddy proper manners (so he didn’t take after his uncles George and Ron) so he knows when to be on his best behavior. )

uncles George and Ron may or may not send him Weasleys wizard wheezes every month. His uncle George also taught him how to pull off a prank and not get caught (especially by auntie Minnie)

even though auntie Minnie taught him manners sometimes he’ll get really excited and pull a Hermione and ask raise his hand to as a bunch of questions (because he is not old enough to do anything practical yet)

Draco answers all of teddy’s questions. (they are surprisingly good for an 8 year old so of course he does) he even mentions that his students could take a page out of Teddys book. (he hopes they don’t ask questions because that is not always encouraged, not because they are afraid of him)

the students had heard rumors about Draco from their parents, so they were a little afraid of him. they though that he would be like professor Snape. instead he is more like mcgonagall. he expects that his students respect that magic can be dangerous and that he is there to help. but he is also firmly kind. he never yells, only scolds. (and that is only when you do something that could have hurt someone)

harry hears a rumor that the new potions teacher is, as his 6th year students put it, H O T. he knows that it is someone from his years at Hogwarts, but he wasn’t really paying attention all that much. (he likes to get as much time with his son as possible)

speaking of his son, he hasn’t seen him in his class as normal. Teddy is usually in their rooms, in his classroom or with Minnie. (mcgonagall insists that he call her that. yes, it is very weird) teddy isn’t allowed in the greenhouses with Neville anymore after than sneezing incident.

So during one of his free periods ( that are usually reserved for helping teddy with math bc Hermione insists because “math is very important Harry!”) he takes out the marauders map and looks for his son. (completely missing Draco’s name because duh)

he finally finds him in the dungeons and he spots the new potions master teaching about sleeping draught and its properties to 3rd years. he is mesmerize by the (now midnight blue) hair. he doesn’t immediately recognize Malfoy bc the blonde hair is gone. 

he just sits next to teddy (who is attempting to take notes like the other students, but is really just drawing stick figures with potions and random ingredients written down)

once the class files out teddy goes to introduce his dad to his new favorite professor (sorry aunt Minnie). once they realize who the other one is it’s kind of awkward bc they haven’t seen each other since harry spoke for him and his mother to exonerate them and give Draco back his wand.

but they bond over teddy and how well teddy seems to do in dracos class (even though he is 8) and thus began the weekly visits and lunches. 

eventually teddy has to stop going to dracos class because they have begun brewing potions, and we don't want a repeat of what happened in the greenhouses. this really bummed teddy out so he insisted that they eat lunch together.

harry and Draco find themselves still eating lunch together, even when teddy has gone to nana molly’s house for the week to visit his cousins.

they already talked to each other in the halls once they had reconnected, but after that lunch without teddy they start having dinner in each others rooms instead

harry introduces Draco to something he calls movies and Draco talks about all of the wizarding pop culture harry never seems to understand

soon these nightly hangouts happen more than once a week. it has gotten to the point where Draco and harry have fallen asleep on Harrys couch in his living room on more than one occasion. 

most of these hangout happen in Harrys rooms bc he is still a little paranoid

then right around Christmas time Hermione asks harry to speak at a fundraiser for something or another and it is last minute because the other speaker had to cancel “ I know it’s last minute harry, but you know I wouldn’t ask if I had another choice”

Harry doesn’t want to ask Molly because she has so much to do to prep for Christmas and he doesn’t want to be a burden, so would Draco pretty please watch teddy for the night. Harry will be home really late and he is so sorry that this is last minute and of course you can’t watch him and I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked

and Draco loves teddy so of course he’ll watch him! it will be like a sleep over won’t it teddy.

draco is shocked that harry would trust him with teddy for the night because of his past  and he is freaking out inside but its fine and he is not going to mess this up he is not going to mess this up.

and harry goes and he os not as worried as he thinks he is but he is still worried bc parenthood y’know and he really doesn’t like going to these things because he is so over being the boy who lived twice and he just wants to go home a snuggle with draco and talk about movies while teddy is showing them how he can change his eye color now

and then it hits him that he included draco in the scenario and how long has he been doing that for. and then he finds out that he really doesn’t mind that and how long has he thought about draco being in his life and should he ask draco out he most definitely should ask him out

and draco going through the same thing but with working about teddy and knowing that harry really hates going to those galas and how he did too when he was a child and how much better it would be if they had gone together him harry and teddy

harry proceeds to panic about this new revelation to Hermione because she is always so easy to talk to and she always knows what to do and Ron isn’t there because he hates those galas almost as much as harry

Hermione proceeds to tell harry to just ask him out already you already trust him with teddy and you talk about him all the time in your letters and even Ron has noticed and he avoids talking about feelings as much as he can

so harry decides he is going to ask draco out 

(draco is already invited to weasley Christmas and has a sweater already made bc mama weasley don't mess around)

the next day when harry goes to pick teddy up he doesn’t know what to say and neither does draco and then they blurt it out at the same time and start rambling (Bc that’s always cute) and then they get really quiet

and then teddy says finally bc he made a bet with his uncle George (bc uncle George always helps him with new pranks and he is so awesome and easy to talk to)  and a couple other students about when harry and draco are going to ask each other out on a date 

(and he doesn’t really know what that means but auntie Minnie says its when you want to hold hands and you love each other very much but not like brothers but like best friends but more. he tried to get her to explain but she said that was his dad’s job)

and draco and harry are both shocked bc teddy knew? and if it’s ok with teddy then why not give it a go. 

then Christmas passes with everyone getting a new sweater (draco should really re-introduce his mum and Molly because they would get on like a house on fire with how much they love their kids and his mum could use a friend)

and the school year finishes with harry and draco becoming known as the cute professors how visit each others classes with gifts and hold hands when they think no one is looking

and draco spends most of his summer at 12 Grimmauld place ( harry spent the better part of a month renovating that house so it would be more modern and safe for teddy)

he also removed a lot of the dark artifacts and placed them in a vault at gringotts so he can study them later. the ones he deemed to be containable and somewhat mild he took for his upper year classes so they would know how to deal with those artifacts

and draco is basically moved into harry’s rooms by the end of the summer and he doesn’t notice until the school year comes around again and he has to pack and he finds that his flat in muggle London (yes he moved there. Hermione recommended it after the trials and he is so grateful to her because that really helped him break down all that he had been taught by his father)

but draco waits to see if harry says anything and harry does but harry takes to long so he says something, but its not the question he was expecting. he was expecting more of a well aren’t you moved in already sort of response when all harry said was you are welcome to be here and I love that you are here I just didn’t want to push you and I know you like having your own space

and draco is confused, but harry explains that their relationship is still new and he didn’t want to push anything unnaturally so he let draco set the pace because he loves him and he figured there was no harm in draco still having his flat because if he needed time it made sense

this whole conversation led to one about communication about needs and boundaries because harry has trouble with that still from the Dursley's and from the war and draco has trouble with feelings bc of his father and this whole thing just makes them stronger

they make the move in official but draco keeps the flat because it is still nice to stay in muggle London and harry doesn’t disagree.

and they also agree that draco should keep his rooms at Hogwarts just so that the students don’t get distracted by the professors living together even if they are together and boy is it nice to say that

also that way if draco needs to work on things for his potions class they can still keep teddy safe

and teddy still calls harry dad because harry raised him but he calls draco dray like his father does and that feels just as good as dad to draco. he doesn't expect anything like that from teddy because he became a father figure to him so late in his life and dray makes him feel so loved in a way he has never felt before

and their relationship only gets stronger as the years pass and eventually they do get married (it’s the summer after teddy’s 1st year and he couldn’t be happier) 

teddy moving out of harry’s rooms and into the Hufflepuff tower was a weird transition for all of them, but it was comforting to know that he could go talk to his dads whenever he wants

and he thinks of draco as his dad at this point but calling him anything other than dray would be weird and dray feels as good as calling harry dad so why change it

that year draco moved into Harrys rooms permanently and left his other rooms for good. (the happy couple still go there sometimes since it is attached to dracos office and they get up to shenanigans there bc teddy doesn’t ever go into those rooms like he does with the ones he grew up in)

and in teddy’s first year everyone is like wow those are your dads? and he is like yea they’re cool and they were in the war but I have seen them dancing with a mop and a dustpan and they’re really not that cool you guys 

and once teddy starts making his way up through Hogwarts the war seems so far away and the students come in with the stories they’ve heard from their parents about the great Harry Potter and dastardly Draco Malfoy and then like a 2 weeks into term they’re like these dudes are total nerds and super in love with each other and its adorable

then the Weasley kids start filtering through Hogwarts and harry and draco are in their 30s. teddy wanted to go to muggle university (which he can totally get into because Hermione is a real one lemme tell you)

also you’re gonna tell me she DIDN’T teach teddy all of the muggle curriculum he would need to know to get into college bc let’s be real Hogwarts wasn’t a challenge bc he’d been there his whole life so he def graduated early and still lived there with harry and draco while Hermione got him muggle books

also in their free time harry Hermione and draco definitely figured out how to get wifi in Hogwarts ( how would they live without their rom coms) in like a weekend

and George became the new charms teacher after flitwick retired and the students love him and his satires of pranks with his brothers

and in his spare time he still comes up with jokes for the joke shop and he even lets his students submit their attempts for items for the shop for extra credit (this eventually turns into an end of year assignment for each grade and former students of George love seeing their names on the tags for the toys in the joke shop)

and Ron who has a knack for business (who knew?) expands the WWW empire and he already has shops in America and he is thinking about expanding into Asia but he still needs to look into that market

but teddy goes to college and harry and draco keep living their lives and revolutionizing Hogwarts with Minnie (draco is still stunned she insisted that he call her that) they keep integrating muggle ideas, and it is easier in Hogwarts because the children are much more open to change

and now they are in their 40s and Hogwarts has a whole new branch of the school where children between the ages 5 and 10 can come in and learn about muggles and magic and math and science and why there is a giant squid in the lake

harry and draco are now a staple in Hogwarts like Dumbledore was but so much better bc they would never let kids return to abusive homes and they’re known for being so approachable and willing to help anyone with their problems

the students start calling them the dads of Hogwarts (teddy insists he didn’t start that but he totally did with George and Ron’s help)

and the name sticks and they not so secretly love it

and the war becomes a distant memory

until students start acting really strange and harry and draco think it is just them until George and Minnie and Neville come to them with concerns and they don’t know what is happening and as much as harry loves draco he knows he needs to call Hermione and Ron (Ron still will not touch a phone and if draco can use one why can’t he, but he insists) 

he calls them because the last time he was this scared in Hogwarts they were there and he is a Grown Man but suddenly he feels like he just left the Dursley's again 

draco calls his mother and he calls pansy and Blaise because they were there when he had to deal with his father planning and plotting and wanting Voldemort to return and they know what he felt like and he is a Grown Man but he feels as if he will never get his fathers approval even though he hasn’t needed that in years (and he doesn’t want it) 

the word spread about harry calling for his best friends and draco doing the same and if they are doing that then they must be scared

(they are so very tired of being afraid and so very tired of fighting)

but the must protect their students

so Molly (even though she is not as young as when her children went to Hogwarts her grandchildren do and she’ll be damned if anything ever happens to her family) arrives too with the weasley clan as ready as ever and Seamus and dean and even Oliver Wood (who is a world renown former quidditch player and even more famous coach)

when teddy gets there for his dad and dray they are suddenly so much more worried because he is their life, but he is an adult now and he is here for them

when their former students arrive harry definitely starts to cry (draco didn’t because malfoys don’t cry in public in front of their former students even if he didn’t really believe that now it was nice to hold onto to help keep some of his composure) and their students tell them that they are here now to help, to fight and that they shouldn’t have to fight anymore but if they must 

their students say that Harry and Draco did such a good job and helped the wizarding world, helped them so much, and we know professor potter that we must be kind to others because no one deserves what tom riddle went through even if Voldemort was awful.

professor potter we know that you taught us that defense should only be used in protection and we should always be mindful and we are here to protect you

and professor Malfoy you were so kind to us and you were understanding and you encouraged our questions and you taught us to be curious and to never be satisfied with something at face value. you taught us to explore and we are here

and it feels like the war again but better because they are all on the same side and what ever this is harry doesn’t have to hide under the invisibility cloak and draco doesn't have to hide in the room of requirement and this new thing? this new thing that threatens the life they have made together their family? their friends? their students? it suddenly it seems so small because with the support they have nothing can ever beat them because Dumbledore is gone Voldemort is dead and they did their best to help those kids age be damned

There is so much more that I would love to add to this, and I could but I should get back to homework, unfortunately. I just had a thought and had to write it down. I would also like to turn it into a fic but time escapes me

If for some reason someone sees this and they want to make it into an actual full blown fic, please tag me bc I would live to read it.

I might come up with a part two, who knows

[mosh-4]

stress

harry styles imagine

stress - you’re overwhelmed and forget to take care of yourself on the OTRA tour, and harry worries. (requested)

warning: lack of eating, stress, anxiety?

you are so stressed, but he doesn’t know that.

when Harry asked you to join him on the On The Road Again tour, you were ecstatic, but you had never imagined that it would be this hard.

you had a lot going on. at the end of the summer, you would have to return to school. while on tour, you were trying to complete some elective classes online in order for you to get some credits out of the way. it had been difficult for you to find time alone to study. with that going on, you also were dealing with family drama. you couldn’t help your family deal with your grandparents’ deteriorating health, and as much as you wanted to help and listen to them talk about it, it was hard with the time differences and the fact that they were in another country.

Harry, of course, didn’t know about any of this. you tried to keep everything that was going on to yourself. he left you alone at times because he knew were taking your classes, but you mostly spent that time on the phone talking with a family member.

you really didn’t want to share this with your boyfriend of two years because you were an independent person. you tended to keep your problems to yourself until you couldn’t handle them anymore. this was obviously not a great coping mechanism, but you couldn’t change it.

Harry had never seen you like this. although, it hadn’t ever been this bad when you were around him. the last time you had gotten like this, he was away on tour, and you had kept it to yourself.

             “jesus, girl,” your cousin said through the phone. you had facetimed her to get an update on your grandparents, but the conversation had shifted to talking about you on tour, like it normal does. “you look like you’re wasting away.”

             “what?” you said looking up from your notebook. it had the notes you took for the paper you were working on.

             “you look almost dead,” she said. “are you getting any sleep?”

had you been getting any sleep? you hardly remember the last time you actually slept. you napped every now and then, but you stayed up at night to finish your assignments or to talk to your family.

             “’m getting sleep,” you say defending yourself.

             “okay,” you cousin started. “you’re getting regular sleep?”

you throw your hands up in the air.

             “i’m on tour. there is no ‘regular sleep’.”

your cousin sighed. she knew you got defensive when you were hiding something.

             “okay.” she sighed again. “you’re eating, too?”

             “yes, I’m eating,” you snap.

to be honest, you couldn’t remember the last time you had an actual meal. you didn’t feel hungry when you got stressed. the thought of eating made you feel sick. you were too overwhelmed.

             “okay, okay,” your cousin said raising her hands in defense. “i believe you.”

you rolled your eyes at her.

             “’m fine,” you said calmly to reassure her that you were okay.

             “i believe you,” she said. she moved to change the topic. “how is ‘mr. popstar’?”

you continued your conversation with her, filling her in on Harry, the band, and traveling, until she had to go back to babysitting her niece.

--

Harry was concerned. he noticed that you weren’t eating. he noticed that you were tired. whenever he asked about it, you snapped at him. you never would snap at him. he thought it was because of spending too much time together so he gave you some space.

it wasn’t until he noticed you having a hard time standing up after sitting for so long that he became really concerned. you stopped watching his shows. instead of standing in the front row cheering him on, you sat backstage and ‘worked on your assignments’. you started getting ‘headaches’. everyday, you claimed to have a headache.

he worried for you. he could see the bags under your eyes. he could see light draining from your eyes. you were always cold.

he didn’t know what to do. he would ask, but you would say you were ‘fine’. he would ask you to get dinner, but you claimed to have already eaten and were busy. he would ask you to come to bed with him, but you said you had work to do.

he was at a loss. you needed help. you were not yourself, and he felt awful.

he did something he promised himself he would never do.

he planned to wake up an hour before he usually did, which was an hour after you went to bed. he reached over you and grabbed your phone. he rolled himself out of the bunk before taking a seat at the kitchen table on the bus. he unlocked your phone. he knew your password was your birthday. he opened your messages and got your cousin’s phone number from her contact on your phone.

he sent her a text.

            harry: hey, it’s Harry Styles. i have some questions to ask you when you have time.

he waited at the table for her response. she responded in a few minutes.

             (y/c/n): hi!

             (y/c/n): what’s up?

             harry: i’m a little worried about (y/n)

he saw her typing.

             (y/c/n): what has you worried?

he definitely didn’t want to talk about this over text.

             harry: is it okay if i call you?

he waited for her response. he rubbed a hand over his face and let out a sigh.

             (y/c/n): yes

--

             “am i crazy to be worried?”

             “no. there is something going on. she gets like this periodically.”

Harry had been talking to your cousin for about 20 minutes. he went over everything that had been going on. you barely sleeping, barely eating, and always working.

             “what is it?” he asked.

             “stress,” your cousin responded before going into the stuff going on with your family.

Harry rubbed a hand over his face.

             “i had no idea,” he sighed. “why didn’t she tell me?”

             “she tries to keep these things to herself.” he heard your cousin pause before continuing. “it was really bad in high school. she forgot to eat and sleep all the time. she was so focused on her work. it wasn’t until she passed out during school that anyone really noticed. she’s good at hiding this stuff, and she doesn’t tell anyone anything until it gets really bad.”

             “i feel so awful,” he started. how could he not see it before.

             “don’t beat yourself up about it,” you cousin interrupted him. “the only reason i could see it happen was because i have seen her do this before. she pushes everyone who tries to help away. she thinks she can do it all on her own, and she doesn’t recognize that she’s taking on too much.”

             “how did you get her out of it before?”

          ��  “get her away from her work. get her mind off it. take her out or something. she needs to eat something. she can’t think straight when she hasn’t eaten. then, try to get her to sleep. if she’s really exhausted, an old movie will make her sleep.”

             “okay,” he sighed.

             “Harry, it’s going to be okay,” she said. “she’s going to be okay. this happens. she’ll break at some point, and then she’ll puts herself back together again. it’s just different because she’s traveling this time, but she’ll be okay. she always is.”

             “okay,” he murmured. he rubbed his eyes.

             “keep me posted?” your cousin asked.

             “of course,” he said raising his head. “i’ll let you know how it goes.”

             “great, thank you.”

Harry had bid her a goodbye before they hung up. your cousin had to go to sleep. she was a couple hours behind you both.

Harry shuffled back to your bunk. he plugged both of your phones back into their chargers before climbing into the bunk to lay next to you. he watched you sleep peacefully before snuggling in close with you. he fell back asleep with you in his arms. he hoped to himself that you would be okay.

--

             “come with me.”

             “i can’t.”

             “you’ve been working all day, and it’s saturday,” Harry argued. “come explore the city with me, please.”

you sighed. you wanted to be left alone. you didn’t want to be around people.

             “Harry, i want to stay in,” you whine throwing your head back.

             “you’ve been staying in for the past two weeks. just take a day off from working and come spend time with me. i miss you,” he said slightly upset that she was denying him again.

             “Harry-”

             “stop with the excuses,” he shouted throwing his arms in the air. “i miss you. you’re always busy with school, and i know it’s important, but i miss you. can we just spend one day out exploring this city together?”

you sighed. you felt bad. you knew he was right. you hadn’t spent any time with him.

             “fine,” you sighed. “i’m sorry. we can do whatever you want tonight.”

--

you walked hand in hand around the city. it was beautiful. you had walked through the streets for a few hours. you visited local shops and took a walk through a park. you were having a great time, but you were growing tired.

             “do you want to grab lunch?” Harry asked pointing to a little café.

             “sure,” you breathed out.

Harry could tell you were growing paler. he needed to get you to eat soon.

you both sat at a table in the back of the café, and he went to the counter to order for the both of you. he grabbed you a cup of tea and a sandwich. it was always your go-to.

he got you to eat some of your sandwich. you seemed to be less pale. you felt less tired. you both sat at the café and talked until you had finished your lunch.

Harry was glad that you ate something.

             “do you want to go back to the hotel and watch a movie?” he asked brushing a hand through his long hair.

             “sure, curly,” you said grabbing his other hand that was on the table. “thanks for buying me lunch. i’ll buy next time.”

he laughed. you seemed more like yourself.

on the walk back to your hotel, you had become sluggish. unknown to him, you held his arm to keep you upright. he though you were being affectionate. you squeezed your eyes shut as you waited at the crosswalk. you bit the side of your cheek to try to get the dizziness to pass.

on the elevator ride up to your hotel room, Harry could feel your nails digging into his arm. he looked over to you.

             “you okay?” he asked as his eyes inspected you. you had your eyes squeezed shut.

the elevator dinged at your floor. you took a step out of the elevator before your vision became blurry.

             “’m fine,” you whispered before it all went black.

your body began to drop before Harry swiftly reached out to catch you calling your name. he pulled you up into his arms before carrying you bridal style back to your room. he unlocked the door before calling Niall freaking out.

--

you woke up to a crowded room. you were extremely groggy. there was a bright light shining in your eyes. you heard faint beeping.

f*ck, you thought.

             “mhm,” you moan slightly trying to get your voice to work.

Harry’s head whipped to you as he finished talking with the doctor. he quickly made his way to your bedside.

             “hey,” he cooed softly. “how are you?”

             “where am i?” you said quietly.

             “i had to call an ambulance,” he whispered gently to you. “you passed out on me. you weren’t waking up.”

he brushed a hand softly through your hair. his own hair was tied up with one of your hair ties.

             “oh,” you whisper looking down at your feet. you still had your clothes from earlier on. you had an IV in your arm.

the doctor approached you and introduced herself.

             “we want to monitor you overnight. you seem exhausted and slightly malnourished, and it’s causing your body stress,” the doctor stated.

             “uh, okay,” you said processing what she said. “you have a show tonight,” you say turning to Harry.

             “it’s okay,” he said calming you down. “we can cancel.”

             “no,” you argue. “you can’t do that. i won’t let you. that’s not fair.”

             “are you kidding?” he shot back. “you’re in the hospital. you passed out. i want to be here with you.”

             “you can go to your show. that’s not fair to your fans, and i’ll be here after the show. i can’t really leave.”

you argued with him for a few more minutes before he agreed to go to the show, only after Lottie agreed to be with you while he was at his show. he thanked her profusely before finally leaving. he had already missed sound check, and he had two hours until the show began.

--

throughout the show, he was distracted. he messed up the words to at least two songs. he didn’t goof off with the crowd. he just wanted to be with you. he felt like he messed up, like it was his fault that this happened. he had talked to your cousin as soon as you had been admitted to the hospital. she had tried to comfort him, but it didn’t work. he wanted you to be honest with him. he wanted you to confide in him, but you didn’t. you didn’t let him in. you bottled up your stress, and you got hurt because of it. he felt awful that he couldn’t see you suffering.

his eyes welled up as they sang Little Things. he thought of you, and his heart clenched. he voice became thick, and Liam helped him sing through the end of the song before placing a hand on his shoulder. Harry wiped his eyes before going for his bottle of water. he took a drink instead of blowing water out of his mouth like a whale like he usually did.

he was counting down the minutes until he could see you.

--

you and Lottie were talking in your hospital room as you ate a cup of hospital pudding. your eyes were getting tired, but you wanted to see Harry before you fell asleep.

at the end of the movie you were both watching, Harry made an appearance.

             “hey, lovie,” he said as he entered your room.

             “hey,” you greeted sitting up in your bed.

he pulled you into a hug. you could tell he just showered from the slight dampness of his hair and the smell of his shampoo. he released you before sending a small wave to Lottie. you exchanged how your night was with each other before Lottie decided to head back to the hotel.

you were curled up in the bed with Harry laying next to you. you had your head resting on his chest. he was running a hand through your hair while an old movie played on the tv.

             “will you tell me what’s going on, love?” he murmured.

he felt your shift in his arms, but you never turned to face him.

             “it’s been bad, haz,” you sighed.

             “you can tell me about it,” he said.

             “it’s hard to juggle everything. i got stressed,” you started. Harry could feel you sigh. “my family is having problems back home. my grandparents are getting older, and my aunt and uncles are fighting about it. i can’t do anything about it because i’m here, but it’s not like they would listen to me anyway if i was there.” you took a breath. “and, school has been hard. the assignments are harder, and i want to get a good grade so i can boost my gpa. it’s hard to juggle it all, you know?”

             “mhmm,” he hummed gently letting you talk.

             “this happens sometimes. everyone freaks out about it. i get stressed, and i forget eating and sleeping are a thing. i guess i was in denial that it was getting bad. i think (y/c/n) tried to tell me that i was getting bad, but i was mean to her,” you whispered. tears were forming in your eyes. you took a heavy breath. “i-i was mean to you. i’m sorry,” you voice cracks as you let out a little sob.

Harry pulled you in close.

             “hey,” he whispered softly. “you don’t have to be sorry. it happens but let me help you when you’re stressed. you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. please let me in. let me carry it with you. i love you. we’re a team, right?”

you nod to him wiping your eyes.

             “we’re a team. i love you too.”

he placed a kiss on your head before letting you fall asleep as you watched the old movie. you spent your night curled up with your boyfriend in a hospital bed with a heavy burden lifted off your chest.

.

hope you enjoyed! feel free to send requests - mosh

.

[swampgallows]

i was writin it in the tags before i maxed em out but it had me thinking about how much more shit i did in college because i actually had access to shit. for one, there was a viable public transit system there. there was a bus stop literally outside my dorm, and i used to take the bus all kinds of places and just walk around the city and shit. i did tons of things i previously would not have accessible to me because i didnt drive. back when disney passes were cheap as fuck i had days where id swing by disneyland after class just to hop on a ride or two and then go home. i went to parks, beaches, the aquarium, the movies, clubs, raves, morris dancing, restaurants, the mall, and all kinds of shit on my own because i could actually physically fucking get there. the only real challenge a lot of the time was if i bought anything to get it home (i remember walking half a mile with a full length mirror back to my dorm because i kept missing the bus). but the point is that i DID SHIT. i wasnt constantly being micromanaged by people in my environment about what food i bought or what i ate, where i went and when, etc. and i had the resources to actually go fucking do things.

it all came crashing down, i think, when i got into that series of bad relationships. i dont think i was aware of it at the time, but that was about the time that things were ramping up toward something great and then i was betrayed by people close to me and continuously shot down. i didnt know how to process those toxic relationships, and part of me still doesn’t. almost ten years later im still trying to recover from the damage of them. yes, it was the same time that i was having heightened anxiety and the worst period of panic attacks in my life, which were and are awful and shitty, but i also had very understanding and supportive friends who were there for me during that time. it would be no different than if i got very sick and had friends who took care of me. i was having a human experience and because i had a good support network, i was able to cope.

so like. of course i got depressed when my boyfriend would hate-fuck me and embarrass me on purpose in public or in front of his friends. of course i felt too scared and sad to go to class when i was constantly being told my art wasn’t good enough and was a waste of time and “useless to society”. of course i hid in my room playing video games with rude assholes because at least they couldnt touch me. of course i didnt want to open up to people when they told me it was “fascinating the way your mind mistreats you”. 

of course i got suicidal when i got zero weekend days off for three straight years. not even easter sunday, even though greek easter usually falls on a completely separate sunday. of course i didnt want to live anymore when i couldnt see or be with my friends or express myself naturally. of course i would be depressed about waking up at 7am every day to stand in a cold room alone for 8 hours and not even be paid enough to live.

friends and family and past teachers on facebook can encourage me to go on medication, but for what? will a SSRI pay me a living wage? is celexa going to make men treat me better? will prozac install a public transit system in my area, or help me move to a place where a better one already exists? xanax didnt sit in the car with me to teach me to drive and offer support, but it did help me recuperate from the dozens of screaming crying fits and panic attacks i had while orchestrating my own exposure therapy. it took years for me to get acclimated to just sitting in the driver’s seat of my car while it was off without having a complete meltdown and slamming it full speed into the garage to kill myself. because i am still so mad that i learned so late, that nobody gave a shit about me enough to teach me, that i had to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars on lessons with complete strangers to learn this skill that has become mandatory for survival in the place i live. i had to use money to replace the love and support normally given by family or my community.

i am trying to condition myself to see my car as an emblem of freedom, but it feels like a cage. it costs so much money, it is so scary and exhausting to operate it, and everything in this world and society is forcing me to use it. and honestly it feels like, because i have it, i have run out of “excuses” for not being employed. that if i have a car, i should be able to go to any job whatsoever and sit in my car in traffic for four hours a day like every other average person in l.a. even at the trader joes i interviewed at THREE TIMES before they eventually didnt bring me on, i would have to drive anywhere from 30-45 minutes to work every fucking day just to work at a fucking grocery store. i know people see those numbers and go ‘psh that’s nothing! my commute is so much longer!’ and that just feels like hustle propaganda. like why are you proud that you have to sit in your car in fucking traffic every day to do a job that you probably could (and now probably do) work at from home?

the shitty case worker i had, tonya, could not offer a suggestion to me when i brougth this up to her. how is medication going to make me more employable? how am i not supposed to blow my brains out when my life is going to be sitting in a car that i struggle to operate to go to a job that doesnt pay me enough to live and then doing that forever until i die? why dont i skip all that and just die right now? why live through that? all she could say was “well, that’s just how it is.” 

The much more obvious answer is that mental disorders, while influenced by genetic factors, are largely caused by trauma and context, and that oppressed groups of people experience way more trauma under capitalism, and are way less able to navigate the context of American society because it was built without them in mind, and in many cases to intentionally harm them.

this is why im going to be mentally ill forever, man. because i can’t fucking adapt to a society that doesn’t care about me. why would i do that? is it not inherently harmful and mentally ill to perpetuate an unhealthy environment? why belong to a society if we don’t care about the people in it? who is society for? if these circumstances were due to a partner, they’d tell me to leave them. if these circumstances were due to my living situation with my family or roommates, they’d tell me to move out. so must i leave society? do i have to live off the grid? do i have to hunt game and skin animals for fur and build my own shelter? even if i wanted to, like many natural peoples, capitalism is taking those things away too. look at first nations and indigenous people. look at the multitudes of the people experiencing homelessness and mental illness simultaneously. 

it is all so obvious when you’re on the outside. no one expects, or wants, people like me to survive. the whole point is that we do not belong to society. the whole point is that capitalism wants me dead. my suicidality means capitalism is working as intended.

[renniecirque]

More Rennie HCs!!!

how do they listen to their music? ipod, mp3, computer, cd, records, etc? Records, his phone, sometimes his school laptop

do they take baths or showers? do they prefer one over the other? Bath! Rennie is old fashioned and loves taking a soak in a warm tub filled with herbs and calming scents. It’s not uncommon to find him fast asleep in the tub after a long day.

do they wear their hair down when they sleep, or tied up / braided? Down. Though during the summer he clips his bangs up out of his face!

how many blankets / pillows do they like to have on their bed? 2 blankets! One thin one and another that is minky/soft. Rennie is the king of pillows; he has 4. 3 to lay on, one to hold.

what do they normally dream about? nightmares or nonsense? Dreams are strange for Rennie as they aren’t quite nightmares but they can leave him unsettled. He often replays the past in his sleep. 

do they wake up groggy or alert? do they like mornings? Groggy as heck. You’d think he was a different person with how silent and dragging his body-like he is if he has an early morning class. Some say it looks like someone dragged him across the field and left him there with how he looks in the morning. Not at all.

what do they sleep in? pj’s, normal clothes, nothing? A cardigan over his old night gown. He also wears night shorts under it. Though he also now has a matching lounge pj set with his friend.

what do they smell like? do they use perfume or cologne? Rennie either smells like coffee or fresh pine/floral scents. He uses sprays whenever he feels like it but doesn’t make a habit of it. 

what shampoo scent do they like the best and why? Lavender! Anything that reminds him of his home in the forest. Plus it has soothing attributes. 

bar soap or liquid? do they like loofahs? Bar! He’s quite fond of homemade oatmeal soap. Eh he’s indifferent.

do they prefer sleeping alone or with someone else? Sleeping with someone else. Back at his home, he used to share a bed with his brother and now currently with his sister in the small cottage. It just feels safe to him.

do they like the room cold or hot when they sleep? Cold. Layers are easier to deal with than sweating.

do they stay up too late? do they like staying up? Very much so. Rennie is a big night owl and likes to stay up until dusk before heading to bed. Sadly school makes that more difficult.

do they know how to drive? do they like to drive? NO WAY DFKGKDJ Rennie is used to using brooms or carriage if needed!

do they prefer taxis / buses / subways, etc? or none of the above? N/A. The valley doesn’t really have things like that.

do they have pets? what kind? dogs, cats, etc? No pets. Though Rennie is quite familiar with the animals that lurk near his home.

do they prefer cats or dogs? or neither? Neither.

what are their phobias? do they have any at all? Lightning, war, abandonment issues.

what do they hate being teased about? are they teased often? Their loud voice, getting too excited over things and not knowing when to tone it down- not often thankfully.

did they have any fears growing up that they’ve since conquered? Rennie had a fear of how weak humans were when playing went horribly wrong- ultimately adding fuel to an already tense war and causing them to flee their home. I wouldn’t say it was a full conquered fear just… Rennie copes with it better than he used to. Though not in the most friendly way.

do they have a fear they want to conquer, but haven’t yet? Abandonment issues. Since his brother left, Rennie realized just how quiet the family home is without the one who stood up for him all of this time.

how do they show fear? sweating, shaking, blankness, anger, etc? Biting his lip, twisting his hair, can range from fight to flight depending on the severity. Laughing especially.

do they have a short temper? what’s most likely to set it off? Not terribly short. Setting him off usually involves underestimating him or blocking his way for long periods of time. He also doesn’t stand for weak people getting bullied by fraud mages who think they’re hot shit just because they’re in the brawn dorm.

do they get scared easily? does loud noises, shouting, etc, scare them? Not super easily- though sudden crashes can make him jump. Yelling does put him on edge, especially if it is directed towards him.

what are they most passionate about? what could they debate about for hours? Rennie is very passionate about learning anything and everything about magic! It’s his goal to become a well-rounded magician his mother and father could be proud of. He is also very passionate with his work making clothes for his sister and goods to sell back home. Definitely the history of magic and it’s influence across the world. How each country lives in very different ways involving magic.

what do they never, ever want to speak of, ever? The incident where he hurt a human child on accident. Where his brother risked it all to protect him, even if it meant getting hurt himself on top of severe punishment from the school. How he dropped his birth name because there is terrible magic in knowing one’s true name. He didn’t wish to be controlled by the past anymore.

do they have kids? do they want kids? if so, how many? No kids, he’s a kid himself. Rennie wouldn’t be Against having a family though it’s hard to gauge. Maybe 1-2 kids??? He does like family.

is there something they’d like to change about themselves physically? Not really… though he wouldn’t complain about being a little taller.

is there something about their personality they want to change? The trickster side of himself he shows for sure. While it can be fun at times, he often uses it as a shield to hide his real feelings.

do they have good fashion sense? or do they just wear whatever? Generally Rennie wears whatever is comfortable, though he has an appreciation for certain styles. He at least tries to look presentable.

do they critique others easily? do they judge from afar? To a degree, yes. Though it is more from afar and only within his mind. He only lays light jabs to people and prefers to keep snide comments to himself. No sense picking unnecessary battles.

are they too hard on themselves over the little things? Eh not really! Rennie has a very carefree approach to much of his school life, only getting serious when it comes to his own courses and if others are trying to push him/his friends around. He only gets upset when he fails something he knows he can pull off.

are they the jealous type? what are they most likely to be jealous of? Not very jealous, no. If anything, he’s more envious and resigned to the fact that there are some fae who can live and exist among humans without worry. He’s envious some can survive the strife within the Valley with little issue.

are they possessive over their things? or over other people? Both? Definitely more over people. Those Rennie welcomes into his life are like family and he is not going to let people hurt those he cares about. Not being seen as a dangerous monster by others is all Rennie hoped for.

would they rather be alone or in a relationship? While Rennie feels safer being with other people, I still think he’d rather be alone. I don’t think Rennie would trust someone so openly with his heart as a Fae. Plus relationships with non-fae lead to an endless cycle of heartache.

what do they think about polyamorous relationships? would they do it? They never considered it but nothing is off the table???

do they have parents / parental figures? do they have a good relationship with them? Rennie has his mother and father! For the most part it is very positive. A strict yet loving household, Rennie’s father expects his children to upkeep the family tradition and talent with magic and good schooling. While Rennie’s mother simply wishes for her children to grow well-rounded and respectful. The change in their lifestyle really showed her what really is important and that’s family above influence.

do they have siblings? if so, how many? do they like them? Rennie has an older brother and his baby sister! He’s the middle baby! Rennie loves his siblings more than anything, especially having a close bond with his brother Brier. Brier tries to distance himself from Rennie now not in a mean way but as a- I’ve protected you for so long and I want you to live and survive on your own way. He can’t always be there, so he needs Rennie to be able to protect and live for himself.

do they have a big family or a small family? no family? A decently big family of 5!

where would they want to live if they could live anywhere? Why? Anywhere outside of the Valley. While Rennie’s home is comforting, the memories of The Valley of Thorns are very raw still and being in a place always on the edge of war exhausts him greatly. Humans and Fae never mix, no matter how hard they try to reconcile the kingdoms.

are they happy in their current living situation? why or why not? Honestly? No. The small hut feels welcoming and warm but Rennie feels he’d feel much better being in another country. Being at NRC for semesters gives him that escape from the reality.

do they like living alone or with another person / other people? Other people for sure!

did they go to college, or are they attending? did / do they like it? Not yet.

what’s their dream job / profession? do they have one? Rennie would love to be a teacher for incantations and potions.

if they could control one thing in the world, what would it be? I have no idea kdfjkdfj maybe how people get along? He’d never want wars again.

do they like tv shows or movies? or neither? Rennie doesn’t mind movies, though he really only watches them at school with friends.

do they have social media? do they like it or hate it? obsess over it? Rennie has a Magicame however, he barely knows how to use it.

do they have a creative outlet? if so, what is it? Sewing!!! Rennie loves making clothes and blankets in his free time.

where do they see themselves in 2 / 5 / 10 years? 2 years he hopes to be a great 3rd year student others can look up to. In 5 years he hopes to graduate NRC like his brother and make his family proud. In 10 years he hopes to be working his dream job and training his baby sister in magic alongside his parents.

[lesbianlovelanguage]

soulmates!au + enemies to lovers + #15???? :):):):)

Hi anon! Sorry this took forever to write, but I hope the 7k fluff makes up for it 😅

-

Billy had just presented as a sentinel when his dickhead of a father announced they were moving. He said that it was for the best, for Billy so that his newly enhanced senses wouldn’t have to cope with the assault of the city life, but Billy knew this was just another way to fuck his son over. Neil had been jealous of his son’s obvious destiny of sentinel since the boy had been seven years old. Declared dormant years ago, his father had turned into a cruel and abusive monster in Billy’s eyes. But this? To rip away the one thing Billy had been using to ground himself in the absence of a guide? He wasn’t sure what would happen when he couldn’t hear the gentle lapping of the waves, smell the salty air, or see the beautiful sunsets bounce off the surface of the Pacific Ocean, but he knew it wouldn’t be good. He had never been so scared to be right.

Ten days had been impressive. Ten days without the ocean and Billy still hadn’t slipped into a zone? Ten whole days and nights of trying to process the new sounds, sights, smells he was surrounded by? Even Billy had been reassured that maybe this wouldn’t be too bad. Then his first day of Hawkins High began.

He had been cocky, walking into the high school as if he already owned the place. He was wearing his favorite leather jacket and had put on just this side of too much of his favorite cologne, all in an attempt to ground himself a little more. But as soon as he saw Steve Harrington, even the ocean might not have helped him.

Steve was clearly the poster boy of guides. Soft edges, a kindness in his big doe eyes, and great with his little flock of prepubescent losers, Steve was basically every sentinel’s wet dream. Despite this though, he seemed ignored but the majority of his own class. People pushed him in the hallway, knocked his books to the floor, and spit insults into his face while he laid sprawled on the linoleum.

Billy didn’t get it, until he did.

Steve had seemed like the perfect guide, but his personality was anything but. Billy had the pleasure of meeting Steve in third period biology, where they had somehow wound up as lab partners, and Billy learned why Steve was still unbonded. He was an asshole.

By the end of their forty five minute class period, Billy felt his thread-bare control move closer and closer to snapping completely. Steve had been condescending and arrogant all period, despite having completely done the entire assignment wrong, and when Billy had tried to correct him? Steve had flown off the handle into some passionate tirade about how all sentinels thought they were better than guides, just because their biology was coded more for fighting than calming others.

While that was a common belief amongst the older generation, Billy had been shocked to have it thrown in his face, especially since he had officially met the guy only forty five minutes ago.

What in the fresh hell?

After that, it only got worse. Steve shared two other classes with him, including gym, where Billy had hoped to be able to work off some of the building anger that had festered and settled in his stomach, but instead he had to spend the whole period dodging Steve’s attempts to bump into him or push him during basketball.

Billy wasn’t sure how it worked here, in bumfuck nowhere, but back in Cali no one just casually touched each other. It was uncouth and borderline indecent, because it was only after two people touched that they would know if they were soulmates or not. So touching one another was reserved for dates, accidents, and already bonded people. But here Steve fucking Harrington was, an unbonded guide, trying to not only touch but rub his entire body up against an unbonded sentinel under the guise of blocking him in a stupid game of basketball.

After that first day, Billy began to skip gym. At least as often as he could without receiving any reprimands from the teacher, but luck for him the teacher, Mr. Jops, seemed pretty lax.

It had been a successful month of avoiding the obnoxious guide as much as humanly possible before the inevitable happened. He dropped into a zone.

His dad had been pushing him more and more, seeming to test Billy’s boundaries with subtle jabs and reprimands. On top of this, the replacement of the calm ocean with obnoxious crickets and relentless woodsy smell that seemed to permeate the entirety of Hawkins started to wear at Billy’s control. It only took one more simple factor to push him over, and it came ironically enough right next to the guide he had been trying desperately to ignore.

Billy had thrown on his beloved leather jacket in his rush out the door, and hyper focused on the fact that he would be an hour late to class hadn’t noticed the fact that the soft salty scent that had clung to the worn leather was gone until he removed it to participate in the biology lab of the day. As he tugged it off, he realized he didn’t get the quick hit of the ocean he usually would, and with shaking hands lifted the jacket to his nose. All he smelt was fucking pine, and he lost it.

Next thing he consciously remembered was soft hands rubbing up and down his arms and a slender body tucked right behind him. The offending woodsy smell was overpowered by the soft fragrance of rosy shampoo and something Billy couldn’t find the words to describe. He felt safe.

Slowly, the last of his senses came back into focus, and he could just make out the soft mutters of a voice. He turned around to see who it had been that had brought him back and settled him so firmly in his own body, only to be met with the sight of warm brown eyes and pale skin. Harrington. Fuck.

Billy shot up so fast his head spun, and his classmates parted for him as he staggered out of the classroom. He found his way quickly to the bathroom, and locked himself in the closest stall before registering the small noise of footsteps following him into the bathroom, just before he heard what he now would forever be able to identify as Steve’s voice, his guide’s voice.

“Billy, listen. I-I’m sorry. I know we got off on the wrong foot and I really was an asshole that first day, but please just talk to me? I know you can feel it now, but I’ve been feeling it ever since you stepped out of that damned Camaro a month ago. You’re mine, just like I’m yours. Please please just talk to me. We can work this out, but I need-“ He cut off as he took in a watery breath,”I need you to come out here and show me you’re okay. Please.” He begged one more time.

When Billy smelled the tears, he knew he needed to leave the sanctuary of the stall and confront his new reality. He unlocked the door and it swung open to reveal a red eyed guide on the border of being completely overwhelmed. Billy still felt unsteady from his zone, so in an attempt to lighten the mood, he fell back on the only thing he knew, humor.

“Nice speech Bambi.”

Steve sniffed and wiped his eyes. The soft glisten of tears hadn’t completely disappeared, but he looked less overwhelmed.

“I guess I was kind of rambling again, huh?”

“Yeah, but it’s okay. It, uh, it helped. Kind of.” God this was awkward. Billy wanted to crawl out of his skin, but surprisingly not in a way that indicated an approaching zone, but simply because he was a teenage boy in a deeply awkward situation. Luckily, Steve somehow knew exactly what Billy needed.

“So, um. I know a diner with great milkshakes?”

“What about the rest of our classes?”

“I’m sure they’ll understand. Not everyday a sentinel and a guide find out their soulmates.”

Billy tensed again at the reminder, but forced his shoulders to relax. He would figure this out, somehow, and milkshakes seemed like a pretty good start.

“Lead the way then Bambi.”

-

I kind of want to continue/elaborate on this AU, so let me know what y’all think! Thanks again anon 💖 and as always, my inbox is totally open to prompts ☺️

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.