#valid past instance of this happening:

[clonerightsagenda]

I don’t have a problem with people going through every post on my blog about a specific character but do be aware if you do this I am mentally assigning you a status of valid or invalid based on which character you choose.

[cantofworms]

.

[max1461]

One thing that was hard for me to get used to when I started learning math was what I call "static thinking". Math doesn't have any time evolution; everything either is or it isn't.

When non-mathematicians think about operations like addition, they think of them as "processes" that "occur": you take 2 and 8 and "combine them" to get 10. The expression "2+8" is like a sort of command, telling you to perform this process of addition. People think of math this way because it's basically how math is presented in schools.

To a mathematician, the expression "2+8" is not a command and it does not signify a process. "2+8" is merely another way of writing "10". They are two expressions with identical meaning. That's what "2+8=10" means, it means "these two expressions signify the same thing". There is no "process of addition" which "happens" and "results in 10". "10" and "2+8" are just alternate spellings of the same number.

For a more advanced example, consider the formal definition of a finite state machine. Intuitively, we think of a finite state machine as a network with various nodes and directed edges and so on, into which we input some string in the machine's alphabet. After inputting the string, it travels around the machine according to the transition functions before finally arriving (or not) at a final node, and by this process a computation is performed. Of course, mathematically, this is nonsense. A finite state machine is a network with various nodes and directed edges and so on, but the notion that you can "input a string" and it will "travel around the network via the transition functions" is bullshit. A string is recognized by the machine if and only if there exists a valid path for that string via the transition functions from an initial node to a final node. The string never actually travels the path, because such a notion does not exist in mathematics.

A finite state machine is not a machine, it never actually does anything. It sits there in the realm of abstractions, unmoving and static. Every string which it "recognizes" it recognizes by dint not of things that it does but of facts that simply are; every string recognized by the machine is so and has been so since the dawn of time, without the machine ever in fact going about the process of recognizing it.

This is philosophically a little bit trippy, but it can also confuse early math students in practice, too. As I mentioned at the top, I was very confused by it. For instance, in the finite state machine example, a perfectly ordinary statement to encounter in a proof might run something like

[Block of reasoning establishing that some string w is recognized by the machine M] [Block of reasoning establishing that all transition functions into a final node F of M have label x] ...since w is recognized by the machine M, there must exist a transition function T whose target is a final node and which sends w to that final node on the last character of w. Thus, since T must have label x, the final character of w is x.

To a mathematician this seems perfectly trivial. To me as a young math student, this kind thing seemed almost miraculous. We don't even know what w is, and yet we can run it through the machine? And from the fact that the machine recognized it, we can conclude things about what w is? We can tell its final character? How is that possible? I felt like this kind of thing involved "reaching into the future", reasoning about processes from the end when we haven't even begun them yet.

But, of course, we can do this, because there is no past or future in mathematics. The machine is simple there, the string is simply recognized or not, its last character simply is x or it isn't x. Nothing has to "happen".

[a-bit-of-a-queer-one]

I loved Wild Blue Yonder, I thought it was a great episode. But if I see one more person proclaiming that the Doctor saying Isaac Newton was "hot" made the character "finally queer", I'm gonna set fire to sth.

For one thing, since they changed into a woman, the Doctor has, depending on one's definition, been canonically genderfluid/trans/nonbinary/genderqueer. That was made even more explicit last week in Star Beast. So saying that the Doctor as played by a man and using he/him pronouns calling a man "hot" somehow made the character queer is stupid in and of itself.

And secondly, the Doctor has long been regarded as aro and ace-coded by people of those communities and guess what? Aro and ace people really do exist and we are queer. And it would be lovely if other queer people could stop excluding us by saying that characters who provide what little, mostly accidental and incidental representation we get "become queer" by expressing same-sex attraction. It happened with Good Omens and it seems to be happening again with Doctor Who and I am so fucking tired of it

Edit (6th Dec 2023): Several people have pointed out in the notes that there have been quite a few instances of the Doctor ambiguously or indeed unambiguously expressing 'same-sex' attraction and exploring their gender identity/identities in the past, both in the show and in extended media. I just wanted to be absolutely clear on the fact that I was in way trying to diminish the importance of those moments by emphasing the aspect of asexuality and aromanticism in my post. That is not to say that I think anyone was implying that I was doing that, in fact everyone's been lovely (which is why I also wanted to thank everyone for their input, I learnt a lot, especially about the novels!!)

Of course, as an asexual, aromantic and agender/nonbinary person, that is the lens through which I watch the show and relate to the character of the Doctor. This does not make my reading of them any more or less valid than anyone else's. In fact, I absolutely love the fact that the Doctor is a character who speaks to people of so many different queer identities and I am so happy that RTD is exploring their queerness more explicitly, building on what he and so many other writers and also the actors have already established. I just hope that the fandom will respect the aro and ace aspects of the Doctor's queerness the same way they do their gender identities and other sexual and romantic orientations. Part of the reason I was initially quite worried about this was because of my experiences in the Good Omens fandom, particularly post series 2, as indicated in my original post. The other is that I doubt the show will explore the aro and ace aspects of the character as much as they may other queer identities - unfortunately aspecs have a history of being left behind in this regard...

But we will see, maybe I'll be proved wrong! For the time being, I just hope the queer community can celebrate all the different facets of the Doctor's undeniable queerness, including the aspec ones. And as the reactions to this post have been overwhelmingly supportive (I don't think I've seen a single outright negative response), I think this hope is far from unfounded.

(Sorry, this edit turned out to be longer than the original post...)

[traumasurvivors]

I wrote a blog post about how harmful it can be to have your emotions invalidated growing up. It's here if you want to check it out! I'll paste the text below the read more for people who don't like links, but if you're comfortable, I really appreciate getting hits on my site! It feels really validating after all the work I've put into it. I've opted to not have any ads or anything to monetize my site, so it isn't like those annoying clickbait articles.

The effects of having our emotions invalidated while we’re growing up isn’t talked about enough and it can have lasting effects. This can happen when people say things like “you don’t know real struggles” when a younger person is upset about something they’re struggling with. This might include being told “I’ll give you something to cry about” which implied that the reason you were crying then “wasn’t a big enough reason”. Other people may have had to deal with “worse” problems and so we were told to be thankful for what we had because of what other children experienced. Your feelings of sadness, frustration, disappointment or anger were still real and valid. And you were allowed those feelings.

You may have been told to “stop being so sensitive,” which taught that you weren’t tough enough. You may have also been told “it builds character” which may have made you feel that you had to find a positive lesson in every bad thing you experienced. This can also be part of how people invalidate the seriousness of abuse, and other things that happened to you that were someone else’s fault. If someone doesn’t want to take responsibility, they may minimize what happened to you. They may say it’s okay because “they didn’t mean to do it” or “they don’t know any better,” perhaps because of abuse they went through. Your feelings may be invalidated because someone wants you to “let it go.” How serious they feel it was, or the reasons it happened, are not reasons that your feelings should be ignored or disregarded. Your feelings are valid. You should never have to “let it go.” 

These things that we were told, and many more, taught us that our emotions were bad and wrong. It likely felt invalidating. It may have been damaging And it probably affects how we see the emotions of others. I’ve had people say similar things to me now that I’m an adult, and I think it’s likely they do it because they were told things like these when they were younger, too. Over time, this has led to me invalidating my own feelings. I’ve told myself I should be strong and to avoid such feelings, or that the reasons for them weren’t “big enough”. I told myself that others had it worse than me, therefore I wasn’t allowed to be upset. None of these things helped me. Instead, they actually made me worse off. I bottled stuff up and then began using unhealthy coping methods to deal with the emotions. Having our emotions invalidated as we grow up can be traumatizing in its own way. It also doesn’t teach us how to effectively deal with and process our negative emotions. This can lead to people having fits of uncontrollable rage, spirals of depression and guilt, substance abuse to avoid feelings, and any number of other unhealthy reactions that can cause us more harm and prolong everything or make it worse.

Being unable to cope with my feelings was a big part of me not being able to cope with conflict in my relationships. Downplaying any “bad” thing that happened and ignoring it meant, for instance, I wouldn’t point out and deal with a small (sometimes completely unintentional) mistake. Instead, I let my feelings build without communicating about them and let my resentment build. By the time I acknowledged and spoke about my feelings, the problem was a thousand times worse than it would have been if I had dealt with it quickly. And sometimes it was too late to fix the damage done.

It’s not too late to learn and do better. You don’t have to be thankful it wasn’t “worse”. You don’t have to find a silver lining. While it’s important not to get stuck in our feelings long-term, sitting with them and feeling them and acknowledging you aren’t okay is okay! It’s okay to think something sucks or that it wasn’t fair. It’s okay to feel frustrated or sad over “small” things. Sometimes we don’t even understand why a situation or something has left us having such big feelings, and that’s okay, too! Your feelings are real and valid, even if they don’t make sense to you. And you deserve patience and compassion. Especially from yourself.

When you have negative feelings, if you find yourself minimizing them, or telling yourself why you don’t have a right to feel them, stop and try to be aware of what you’re doing. And allow yourself to feel it if you can. I've often had to remind myself that while it is uncomfortable, I can be uncomfortable and sit with my feelings. Think about if there’s a healthy response you can have to those feelings. For instance, if someone said something hurtful to you, talking to them about it might be a lot more productive than acting like you don’t care. Your feelings are valid. And invalidating them yourself is unlikely to be good for you.

Try to remember that, and try to be kind to yourself.

[karenandhenwillson]

I've seen so much discourse about Bucktommy and especially Tommy and it is so wild. I just want to write down some of my thoughts over all of it because that tends to help me to stop thinking about it.

"Oh, how can anyone just abandon Buddie for Bucktommy?"

Has anyone really abandoned Buddie, though? Or are they just for the moment very excited about a new and so very carefully portrait queer story line? Just because some people talk more (or for the moment only) about Bucktommy, doesn't mean they don't like Buddie anymore. They just have something shiny and most importantly canon to fawn over for the moment.

Also, I'd like to give that question back: Why aren't you all excited for a carefully and softly portrait new queer storyline about a character a huge part of the fandom—including the actor himself—hoped for years would get a queer story line?

And it's a pretty unique queer story. Of course, we had Michael figuring out his sexualtiy and growing comfortable in it right at the beginning of the series. But there are some huge differences between Michael's story and Buck's story.

For one, we ended up in the middle of that story. Michael had already done a huge part of the work of getting to know himself. He was ready to live as a gay man. And second, nothing of what we saw until season 3 was from Michael's point of view. It was all from Athena's point of view. 

So it was a "coming-out late in life" story line, sure. But it was a queer storyline from a straight perspective. And in some instances, from a very hurt perspective about it all (which are, of course, very valid emotions for Athena, May, and Harry, but it still gave the queer side of the story line a certain taint). And they did that beautifully, too, no doubt. I especially liked that the family didn't break over it, that they grew with that experience, and that Michael and Athena became great friends over the years.

But now we also have a "coming-out late in life" story line from the queer perspective! 9-1-1 is pretty much the only series I'm following right now, so I have no idea if we had something similar recently. But from all the talk I've seen, it's pretty damn unique, especially for a male bi character. So, of course a lot of people are super excited about it. Because it's honest and good representation that the writers and the actors are handling with a lot of care.

"Oh, if it were a female love interest, you'd all hate her again!"

First of all, go back read that paragraph about many people being excited about getting a queer story line again! I think that's about 40% of the answer for everyone wondering about it.

And then, of course, Tommy has now already more depth and character and background than we ever saw about Ali or Natalia. And despite some people claiming he didn't have any kind of redemption arc, he truly had a lot more of a redemption arc than Taylor ever got even if only glimpses of it were ever shown on screen. (Maybe I'll get into my thoughts about that in another post.) Not gonna talk about Abby, because I think most of the dislike for her came long after that relationship was over after she ghosted Buck (and after Eddie had shown up).

One huge difference between every love interest of Buck or Eddie we have seen in the past to Tommy is also, that Tommy gets along really well with Eddie. We've already seen a friendship develop there. That never happened with any of the women either Eddie or Buck dated before. We saw that one dinner Buck and Taylor had with Eddie and Chris, but it was very clear it was the first time, and that was over half a year into Buck and Taylor dating, probably more like nine months.

If you wear slash googles around Buck and Eddie or not, their deep friendship is undeniable. It's very much canon that they both have a hand in raising Chris. Any love interest coming in has to deal with that, and has to somehow fit into that friendship. Tommy is the very first love interest in canon we have ever been shown to have that potential at all.

I'm personally part of the fandom that thinks that Buck and Eddie have great potential in a romantic way, BUT that they are first and foremost soulmates, no matter if platonic or romantic. And at least the Bucktommy fics I've read so far have all acknowledge the friendship of buck and Eddie and Chris' role in Buck's life. With Tommy being very accepting and supportive of it. (Though, I admit I’m very careful in my selection process.)

"Oh, Bucktommy is only a steppingstone for Buddie anyway! Don't get so invested in it!"

Who are you tell anyone what they should get invested in? I also think, with the excitement right now, even if Bucktommy break up, the ship itself will live on in fandom.

And also, didn't any of you learn out of the cheating story line they settled Hen and Karen with?

There is barely any content for Henren*. And I've been looking! Most stories they are tagged in don't really focus on their relationship. And those who do focus on their relationship get barely any attention. And you know why that is? Because a lot of people can't or don't want to deal with the cheating. (I deal with it by trying to ignore it or seeking out content where it's fixed!) Do you all really want to have a second queer story line that centers around cheating?

And even if none of you care for Henren (which... I know many don't *shrugs sadly*), have you all already forgotten the real pain over Buck kissing Lucy and then not fessing up to Taylor about it right away? (Once again, I deal by either ignoring it or seeking out content that fixes that bullshit.)

I'm honestly pretty disgusted by all the speculation about 7x06 that has anything to do with Buck and Eddie cheating on Tommy and Marisol during the bachelor party. And even more so about all the fics one can find about that, or that use Tommy as a device for Buck and Eddie realizing they are in love. (Honestly, even filtering out the other relationship tag while looking for stories in one relationship tag doesn't prevent one from stumbling over those stories right now, no matter if one is currently looking for Buck/Tommy or Buck/Eddie stories. It's so fucking annoying. I've turned to only reading old Buddie fics for the moment.)

Aside from the whole cheating of it all, why do any of you think the next episode will focus on anyone else but Maddie and Chim?

"Bucktommy is so racist! But really, no surprise in this fandom!"

What's no surprise is that "racist" is once more used as a buzzword in this fandom. To the point that BiPOC fans of Bucktommy are being told they are racist for the ship they like. (Nothing new about that in this fandom either.) Honestly, half the arguments about why the ship is oh so racist either make my head hurt while I try to follow the many, many, many mental loops people are making to get there, or they just make me laugh outright.

Do some of you really believe it when you say "Buck got together with a White man instead of his Latino best friend, so of course that's racist!"??? I'm just... Are you okay? Do you maybe need something warm to drink, a snack, and a nice place somewhere in the sun far away from the internet to just enjoy nature for a little while?

As I said, I'll probably make another post about Tommy's redemption arc over the whole "He is an unrepentant racist and misogynist". That redemption arc exists and has been baked in since season 2 (even if some of people clearly lack the media literacy to see it). Though, other people already put together great meta posts about this. But maybe if there are enough of it, some people will for once acutally read and start to think instead of continuing to spew their hate.

*PS: If anyone has good Henren contant, especially fanfiction, feel free to drop me a DM. I'm always looking!

[gonktroll]

Imma need u to hand over some Bruce, Creek and Guy hcs 😳🤲🏼

Author's Note:

hiiiii nonnie i can do that for you easy peasy :3 ok so i lied its not easy,, writing is so haaardd,, but we must persist !! i'll be real these are three trolls i don't really think about often...sorry i lied again i think about creek so much...looking back there's more of him than anyone else im so sorry !! lemme know if the formatting is broken or any typos!! also feel free to send in requests also,, the box is open still

on a side note, when did the format tools on tumblr get so crappy?

RELATIONSHIP HEADCANONS

Characters: Bruce, Creek, and Guy Diamond

Word Count & Time: 2, 721 words and 10 Minutes Read. Writing took around Two Weeks. Warnings & Tags: NSFW, Minors Do Not Interact! Contains: fluffy/romantic headcanons, mentions of children & having children (bruce and guy), cake by the ocean by dnce is there i guess, insecurity (bruce and creek), dirty talk (bruce and creek), body worship (bruce), overstimulation (bruce), voyeurism (bruce), cuckoldry (bruce), depictions of a toxic relationship (creek), jealousy (creek), outdoor sex (creek), oral sex (creek), orgasm denial (creek), dacryphilia (creek), power dynamics (creek), genitalia descriptors.

BRUCE

Let it be said: Bruce wants nothing more than to take care of you, please let him nurture you. Let him secure you emotionally, psychically, and mentally. Just let him take the pressure off your shoulders, even if it's for a short while. Do you need help with cleaning up? He's already got the mop and broom ready. Are you getting started with dinner? He's hopping in the kitchen to prep with you. Sparing time is the least he can do for you. You don't even have to ask him to help out, he's already ready to go.

Wouldn't pass up the opportunity to be a little mischievous towards you. Your boyfriend has bad dad jokes, boyish pranks, and an impish banter to behold. He'll have you busting a seam from laughter but he can't help himself. Bruce thinks you look best when you're smiling.

Catching a glimpse of any giggly children and their parents makes his heart yearn for you. Would you want a family like this? What kind of trolls would both your children be? These thoughts follow him for the rest of the day.

He's actively trying to leave Brozone in the past so he can look forward to his future with you. But, sometimes he can't resist showing off to you. He has to let you know how amazing of a singer and dancer he was (and still is). Please, be proud of him.

This troll is a romantic at heart, Bruce is always planning a secret date of some kind. Whenever you briefly mention something you're interested in, he's definitely ironing out the details to make it happen. Seeing the look of surprise on your face during the date makes it all worth it.

He doesn't mind what kind of date you plan, but if you want to make him happy, he loves dates that involve water activities. For instance, a romantic bath with rose petals and soft music is something he'd appreciate. Similarly, a date on the beach with a candlelit dinner would be perfect, and he might even serenade you with 'Cake by The Ocean'.

Playing the role of 'the Heartthrob' for a long time before suddenly creating a new identity has made Bruce feel insecure. He wants to be more than just 'the hottest troll ever' to you. He is more than just a pretty face with rock-hard abs. When you acknowledge who he is and validate his emotions, his stomach starts flipping and his heart is doing somersaults. You might actually be too good for him…

Showing genuine emotions to him and sharing personal moments will get him hotter under the collar than explicit words or seductive clothing ever could. Simply being authentic with each other is enough to spark his desire to be physically intimate with you.

It won't take much to convince Bruce to try something new with you. He loves experimenting and even if it doesn't work out, both of you can laugh about it later.

Bruce isn't fond of quickies, public sex, or rushed sex, he would prefer to take his time with you and hates the idea of being interrupted. There's no set schedule, but you make time for each other. It's best when it's just the two of you and all the time in the world.

During making love, Bruce will always prioritize the experience you're making together. If your legs aren't trembling and your voice isn't hoarse afterward, then he isn't doing his job correctly.

Bruce will talk throughout the whole affair. If he wants a reaction out of you or coax your attention, words are his weapon of choice. A quick aside of sweet teasing to quickly fluster you or lecherous murmurs along the shell of your ear while his hips languidly plunge into your insatiable warmth. Feel free to return his energy and talk back to him, he welcomes it.

There will never be a session where Bruce doesn't lavish you with endless praise and worship your body. You will always be told how attractive and precious you are to him.

He secretly worries you'd find it slutty but he's very interested in watching other trolls flirt with you and has fantasies of watching you fuck someone else. It would take him time to admit it to you, but you may get suspicious of how worked up Bruce gets after someone tries to make a pass at you.

Underneath those beach-bum shorts, Bruce is packing. His sheath is chubby, giving the impression that it's petite or compact. However, make no mistake: Bruce is a grower and it's meaty at full length.

GUY DIAMOND

Get ready to date one of the most dramatic trolls of all time - Guy Diamond. He does everything with emphasis and panache, and why wouldn't he? As an iconic troll, he shouldn't have to limit himself to others' expectations, and he appreciates that you recognize this. Guy is looking for someone who would never ask him to tone it down - in fact, he wants you to encourage him to turn it up! He's not going to dim his glow for anyone, and you make him want to shine even brighter.

Every time he expresses his love, it's extraordinary. He might put on a grand musical performance, surprise you with an extravagant gift, or take you on an unforgettable date night. Guy just has to let you know how much he cares and regular displays of affection just won't do.

Guy Diamond is a unique Pop Troll, possibly the only one, with the special ability to auto-tune his voice. He loves to show off his talent by hitting high notes and emphasizing particular words, all to get you to compliment him. If you tell him how 'cool and special' he is, he will feel elated and proudly strut around like a peacock.

Guy is known as 'THEE Glitter Troll', so it's only natural that his partner should be as stylish and cool as him. However, he sometimes tries to improve his partner's fashion sense or curtail their negative personality traits. This can put pressure on the relationship, as no one likes to be told they're lame. It takes some time for Guy to realize that he is dating his partner for who they are, not who he wants them to become.

You'll have to adjust to his extreme stubbornness. It's even more frustrating when he is aware of the consequences but still chooses to proceed. Unless you have a fondness for men who behave stupidly, it will require a lot of patience until he learns his lessons the hard way.

Another way Guy expresses his affection is by pampering you. He's always looking for opportunities to help you out with anything. He reminds you to take some time out and practice self-care whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. He's also concerned with your health, making sure you eat well and get some exercise. If you haven't socialized much, Guy has no problem taking you to a party today. He reassures you that taking care of you is never a burden, and knowing that you are happy means everything to him.

Raising Tiny Diamond had a positive impact on Guy Diamond's maturity, which is clear in his relationship with you. He has grown more considerate of others' feelings, and more thoughtful about the consequences of his actions. Instead of diving in impulsively, he takes the time to discuss plans with you. He also spends more time contemplating what he wants from your relationship long-term.

Guy loves it when you plan date nights including Tiny. Spending quality time with the two Trolls he loves most makes his heart sing. Watching you show love to Tiny Diamond by playing or singing touches a special place in his heart. He may not say it aloud, but he's started to think of the possibility of having another baby - with you this time.

He doesn't have a preference for who guides or receives during sex, but he likes to lean back and let you take the lead. Guy is not selfish at all, you won't be unsatisfied that's for sure. He believes that making love with you means sharing yourself with each other - and we all know Guy Diamond isn't afraid to share himself with anyone.

When it comes to sex, he will never be afraid to be open about his interests and desires and he expects the same from you.

It's still a mystery how nude trolls hide their genitals but Guy Diamond is rather average in terms of size. And yes, the sheath and balls are glittery.

CREEK

Let's address the elephant in the room: Creek is not a pleasant troll to date.

On one hand, Creek strives to present himself as a reasonable, enlightened voice that brings positive energy to the village. He enjoys the significance he holds and especially wants your respect. On the other hand, he uses this mask to hide his judgmental nature. He is well aware of his social status and takes advantage of it to behave inappropriately. Most trolls cannot comprehend the extent of his behavior which makes it all the easier to manipulate them. You must understand that you will not be the exception as his partner.

Creek will use dating you as a 'shield' to embolden his behavior even more. He's a well-liked troll with an interesting partner and has the Queen's favor as a friend acquaintance. Surely, a well-adjusted and repentant troll like Creek wouldn't cause any issues.

Confronting him on his behavior is draining, not because there is shouting or bickering between you, but because he maintains his calm and refuses to acknowledge anything. He patronizes you and then sidesteps any issue you bring up. He won't admit his wrongdoing or promise to improve, instead suggests that you're blowing things out of proportion. He insists that you should be content with your relationship and the special bond you both share.

Despite his glaring faults, you see glimpses of the troll you love underneath. When you're overwhelmed, Creek is always there to help you calm down and plan your next steps. If someone's intruding on your boundaries, he's present to redirect them without escalating the situation any further. He's not always willing to prioritize someone else's issues over his own desires, but he would try for you at least.

Makes it a point to tell you how much he loves you and how special you are to him every day. It is disgustingly sweet, especially to anyone who may be nearby to witness. Creek lavishes you with pet names, sappy proclamations, and over-the-top public displays of affection, especially whenever Branch is around. He grazes his soft hand along your cheek with a tender declaration of his adoration or brushes his forehead against yours as he greets you first thing in the morning.

It seems that Creek has an infinite supply of affectionate nicknames just for you. These names can either make you blush with delight or annoy you to no end. Although he could simply use your real name, he prefers calling you 'Angel', 'Darling', or 'Sweetheart' as these names more accurately reflect his feelings for you. Your adorable reactions only encourage him to use them more often.

He writes songs and poems about you to express how you make him feel or reminisce about the memories you've made together. He surprises you by performing an emotional ballad at sunset, singing about how your beautiful eyes meeting his makes his heart skip a beat. Though he would never admit it, when he was held captive by Chef, those poems and songs helped him maintain his sanity.

You're both known to the village as a pair of lovebirds, despite Creek's difficult personality traits and your immense patience. It comes as a surprise when one of you announces the end of the relationship, usually accompanied by tears. Creek appears unfazed as he continues to run his meditation/yoga classes and engage in village events. He tells anyone who asks that the break-up was mutual, though you were more emotional than he. It's only partially true, he was more dumbfounded than he'd like to admit. Once you start moving on, he becomes secretly anxious and slinks his way back into your life before someone else can. It's no surprise when you're both back together within a week.

Underneath all the enlightenment chatter, manicured appearance, and insincere behavior, Creek is insecure about his place in the world and his community. He wants to control what others think of him and prove his worth to secure his position. You can constantly assure him with words, actions, and gifts, but until he feels secure in himself, it won't make any difference. To Creek, this isn't a problem; he'll just do whatever it takes to keep you around - morality be damned. He deserves happiness as much as any other troll.

Creek has included you in his yoga classes, claiming that he wants to "maintain your enchanting aura". Depending on the difficulty of the regimen, he either treats you as his top-performing student to praise and use as an example or his problematic student who needs additional attention. Despite the playful banter and flirtation, he maintains a professional demeanor in front of others. However, private classes are an entirely different matter.

Private classes for you and him are usually held at his place, where he has the necessary equipment, or out in the forest where he's previously found a quiet spot. The sessions start with some light banter, stretching, and warm-ups, followed by vocal affirmations, until Creek decides that your form is in desperate need of coaching. He starts with gentle sweeps along your limbs and then to more sensitive areas as he guides you into position. He flirts unabashedly with you, using honeyed words and heated glances to gauge your interest before nudging things further. It's a fun game to see how far you can both go.

Let him put his mouth to work on you, Creek is talented at more than just talking. He's obsessed with teasing you, his nimble fingers soothing your heat with languid motions as he watches you with eager, hungry eyes. Plead with him to give you the release you so desperately need, his tongue is dying to taste you.

Creek takes great pleasure in denying your orgasm, causing you frustration to the point of tears. Seeing those pretty streams down your cheeks as you hold back your sobs while he grinds agonizingly slow into you. You can ask him to speed up, but why should he? The turmoil painting your face is sweeter than he could have imagined.

You'll have to let Creek take control when it's time to play, he gets resistant if you try to imply that you want to take the lead. When he's in charge, it's never in an expected 'dominant' way. Instead, it's about using his words and your body's reactions to break you down into an absolute mess. Doesn't it feel good to shut off everything else and let Creek make you happy?

It takes so long to coax Creek to allow you to be dominant, skinning back layers of excuses and bitter self-reflection. He's hesitant to have you hold the reins and to just let himself relax. He's more afraid of the sentiment he may not be enough, especially if isn't able to do it himself. Like most situations with Creek, it will take a lot of patience and communication to ease his mind - and he'll never truly be at ease.

Once he discovers how relinquishing control feels, he's nearly appalled by how his treacherous body is responding to you. You praise him as you hover above him, murmuring to him about how he's doing "such a good job" and that he's your "good boy" as your hands ghost lower and lower. Creek is aghast that he isn't disgusted by this, telling himself to just flip you over and demonstrate how it's really done. All that guttural and depraved keening surely isn't coming from his mouth. Afterward, he can't deny that loss of control frightens him, but it's just so…erotic too.

This troll is both a grower - and it shows. Those low-waisted yellow sweats do little to 'hide' his sheath and he is well aware.

[em-writes-stuff-sometimes]

I would like to say thank you to all whom have shared, commented, or reached out to me about the situation I spoke of in my previous post.

I will reiterate that I am not blameless in all this. I have said mean-spirited things, and have reached out to those I have spoken ill of and been honest to them about this. I endorsed unkind beliefs about numerous members of the fandom, and I declined to take action on instances of anonymous hate, racial aggression or outright cyber stalking. I have engaged in untrue speculation about other users, and I have performed actions that I cannot take back. This makes me part of the problem, and I own that. Again, to those of you whom I have reached out to and apologised personally, I will reiterate this publicly: I am sorry. I was unfair, I was unkind, and I will do better.

I do not wish to make further public commentary on the perpetrators. I have said my piece, and I believe I have done so in a way that does not suggest I have not had a part to play. I will state again that, at the end of the day, this all started over fanfiction. We came here for our love of reading and writing stories about our favourite characters and our favourite worlds. Not this.

But where there has been so much pain, suffering, anger and hatred, there is also the burgeoning of hope. Individuals from all sides of this fandom have lent their ear and offered me a truly astonishing outpouring of kindness, acceptance and support. Many mutuals whom I have had little interaction with in the past have come to offer kind words and encouragement. Users I have not known in the past have reached out. People who have believed untruths about me and Ange have apologised to me, and I have readily accepted these apologies in the spirit of doing and being better. I have even been able to correspond with people of whom I had spoken ill of and levied a great deal of emotional damage to in the past, and the degree of love and well-wishes from a community that I had long considered 'broken' has really and truly been a testament to how willing we all are to effect change and move on as a group.

I would like to say thank you to you all: for those of you who have reached out, for those of you who are thinking of reaching out, and those who have offered your support silently. There are many ways in which you've all done this, and it is so incredibly appreciated. We've had a difficult run on here, but here's hoping we can call it the Post-Season 1 Madness in our fandom lore and recall it with wry expressions and the pangs of hurt since passed, rather than continued hostility. It won't be easy. There's been a lot of bad blood here. But I'm ready for change, and I know everyone else is, too. That's good enough for me.

Lastly, and these words are understatements: I want to say thank you to @ewanmitchellcrumbs. Ange, you have been admirable in all this. You've faced an awful lot in your time here, none of it easy and little of it kind, and while it is validating to see the outpouring of support for you, I know that none of it can truly erase what has happened. We all of us see the things you've endured, and you are absolutely one of the strongest women I know. I love you very dearly, and I truly hope that from here on out, fandom is the enjoyable experience that you deserve.

Thank you, everyone. Here's to a happy 2024, and an exciting lead-up to Season 2.

Team Daemon for the win!

[adelaidedrubman]

some scattered thoughts on plagiarism and sharing creative space in good faith before i turn my phone off and walk into the swamp 

so, this is a post i have avoided making for well over a year now. because i have spent well over a year minimizing, excusing, and trying to convince myself that i’m crazy and just imagining things. even more so, convincing myself that it’s worthless to talk about, because even if i talked about it, no one would particularly care, and i would only cause myself more heartbreak by officially confirming that. 

but the past few days in fandom have dredged up a lot of things for me and made me reevaluate. i’ve found immense reassurance from seeing how ready and willing everyone is to band together to keep the community safe from those entering with the intent to copy the work of others rather than creating their own. i won’t lie, seeing that unity and mobilization on my dash was at times bittersweet when it was interspersed by reblogs from someone who’d plagiarized me. 

but i also took the opportunity to move past the hurt and remember this is a community — seeing others have the courage to come forward and talk about the plagiarism they’d experienced inspired me to open up to more and more friends in private about my own experiences, and i cannot describe to you how relieving it has been to find myself validated and supported. sincerely, to everyone who has lent me an ear over the past few days, i appreciate it more than you know. i’ve been brought to tears several times, and feel like i now have the strength to talk about this. 

this is also a post i have backspaced on several time, because. well. frankly it’s difficult to even allude to the vague category of most obvious thing that was stolen from me without this amounting to a de facto callout post, which isn’t my intention so much as getting out my feelings and hopefully opening a dialogue about the lasting harm plagiarism does. 

so. i’ll just start by saying one of the most hurtful things about plagiarism is that it destroys the implicit trust that everyone is entering a creative space in good faith. most of us don’t come into fandom and oc communities preemptively guarded and ready to go looking for instances of plagiarism, and are far more likely to perceive things as incidental overlap than malicious theft even under circumstances where the latter is more likely. personally, it didn’t even initially set off alarm bells for me when i saw an oc with jestiny’s exact design plus color contacts and terf bangs also sharing prominent symbolism utilized in her story. 

my first instinct was to be welcoming and supportive in the spirit of celebrating that creative minds can find inspiration from the same sources. even as the symbolism began less and less to in any way resemble the context of said source material and more and more to resemble the version of the story i told, increasingly picking up elements that weren’t in the original but were sure as hell in my fic. in fact, i went as far as to offer resources on the source material in hopes that it would motivate the person to dig into it and find a way to make it their own, still hoping this was a case of overstepping taking inspiration at worst. 

it was after pushing my goodwill that far and giving an out only to then see another of my most well-known scenes copied down to my exact wording and pacing that i got the nerve to block. 

and i was naïve enough to think that would actually end it — hurt as i was by what had already happened, at least it was over. 

nope. 

even after blocking, i went on to see the scraps of another of my most well known scenes lazily repackaged. (i can forgive ripping off jestiny, but i draw the line at sullying poor daniel’s memory. he’s been through enough.) in fact, it continued incessantly enough that i have had multiple people independently send me screenshots of the same passage from within the past month commenting on how blatant it is. 

it should go without saying what a violation this was of my boundaries and my creative labor. every single aspect of jestiny’s story is deeply personal to me, both because of the extensive effort i have put into researching and crafting it and because of the pieces of my own experiences and emotions its founded in. 

but more than that, what sticks with me is the violation of the implicit trust and vulnerability that comes with choosing to share a creative work. i stretched my benefit of the doubt to its limits at the expense of my own mental health, i assumed good faith and tried to make space, and when i could no longer endure i quietly isolated myself rather than risk sowing discord or simply being a bummer in a fun time space. it made me no longer feel safe sharing works that were especially personal. the pain of the experience was one of the primary reason i put wildfire on indefinite publishing hiatus despite still loving the story and greatly enjoying continuing to write it in private. 

still, after the past few days and my own slow process of opening up, i am beginning to develop a renewed hope that we can act as a community and look out for each other. i still genuinely want to think we can by and large share creative space in good faith, and that people coming forward will leave us more ready to identify and deal with bad actors when they do pop up. 

and i have hope that i can heal and find ways to be open and vulnerable with my work again. that might mean soon thinking critically about how to curate my fandom experience in a way that will minimize having plagiarism thrown in my face, but for now that’s still a problem for future liz. 

for today, i just want to thank anyone who has read this far (y’all know i’m bad at shutting up). i’m still not ready to be super detailed in public, but if anyone wants to know more about the 5 ws and 1 h, you’re welcome to dm me — although i might be slow to respond right now, because i wasn’t being hyperbolic with the title. i am going to be on a camping trip in the swamp the next few days, and might not be online much. 

i am excited to have the time to unplug and reflect, and look forward to coming back recharged. until then, please know i am so thankful for all of you, from the bottom of my heart. 

[scarlett-vixen]

Bombshell

A/n: The long awaited next chapter is finally here!! This one is a little shorter than the others but it is also the first big piece I've done for Asmo so hopefully it goes well.

CW: a slightly obsessed Asmo, mentions of insecurities, reference to dead body,

Summary: MC is sick of Asmo avoiding them and wants answers, even if they have to chase him to the ends of the Devildom. Will they be able to handle the emotionally unstable Avatar of Lust?

Word Count: 4.8k

The Soundtrack

The Fight: Vicious

The Apologies: Beelzebub, Satan, Mammon, Leviathan

“I can’t escape the twisted way you think of me”

It had been a free for all trying to escape the dining room, each brother trying to push past the other in attempt to seclude themselves away in their rooms. Asmodeus felt the sting in his eyes and refused to let the others see him this way. He wasn’t one to run normally but, in this instance, he was practically running for his life.

Asmo’s reached out and made contact with the handle on his bedroom door as the first tear broke free, he ripped it open before more could fall. A hot white rage built inside him, how dare you do this to him, how dare you make him cry! Who were you to speak to him like that? Where did you get off being so malicious to such an innocent demon like him?

The more he thought about your words, your tone, your body language, the angrier he became. He slammed his bedroom door closed so violently that the walls around it shook as he did.

“I HATE YOU!”

The words ripped from his throat in pure rage.

He hated you so much.

He hated the way you looked at him, he hated the way you spoke to him, he hated the way you made him feel. Alive for a millennia and a demon for centuries, yet no human…no…no creature in all three realms had ever made him feel this way. He was Avatar of Lust! He should be worshipped, he should be chased and sought after, you should be lusting for him! Yet ever since you arrived you had been unaffected by his charm.

Asmodeus flung himself onto his bed, another scream tearing out of him was muffled by his plush comforter. You had such a powerful hold on him, the fact that you didn’t lust after him like all the others was infuriating but the way he craved your affection was absolute torture. You consumed his every thought, the thousands of comments from adoring fans meant nothing because they weren’t from you, he wanted— needed your praise.

He needed your validation.

He thought back to when you first arrived, the way he viewed you, the way he treated you. You were just a toy to him, a little doll to play dress up with, you had no real meaning to him. He assumed you would just become another lust crazed fan of his, one he could enjoy more easily since you lived downstairs, oh how wrong he was.

He had practically called you unworthy of a pact with him in the beginning, he had made you feel small in comparison to him. He found it odd how quickly his brothers were forming pacts with you but still saw no reason to form his own.

Mammon wasn’t a surprise but Leviathan was a major shock, you had managed to form a bond with his brother who had been locked up in his room for centuries and couldn’t carry a conversation to save his life. Beelzebub was another surprise, after everything that happened with Lilith and then Belphie, Asmo had been sure the sixth born would be against forming pacts with humans, yet here you were bearing his mark.

He was convinced that you were using some type of magic on them, using a spell to make them willingly form pacts with you. Asmo had suggested this to Solomon, wanting to know what spell it was and thinking perhaps it could be used on you so you would finally submit to him. To his dismay Solomon informed him you didn’t possess any type of magic, he checked.

That didn’t explain the catacombs though.

Asmodeus rolled over on his back, looking up at the gorgeous canopy covering his bed, he thought back to the night you borrowed Solomon’s magic. He sucked in a deep breath as he recalled the way you coursed through his veins, drawing out strength and power that had been lying dormant for years, untouched by even the most powerful sorcerer he knew.

From the moment your pact was formed he felt closer to you but it wasn’t enough, he needed more. He needed to know what you thought about him, how you saw him, how you felt towards him, but he needed it to be exactly what he wanted to hear. If you thought poorly of him, if you saw him as nothing more than just another pact, he would come unraveled.

His heart ached, was this what unrequited love felt like? Was this the way his fans felt knowing he would never truly love them as much as they adored him? It was a horrible feeling but he couldn’t make it stop. He knew you didn’t desire him the way most did but always hoped you at least liked him, now he wasn’t even sure about that.

“Don’t call me darling!”

Darling.

A name he had called you so many times before. The name, that was always said so sweetly and with so much adoration behind it, was now tainted.

“Darling!”

The venomous way you spat the word back at him still fresh in his mind. The hatred in your eyes as you looked deep into his. Tears started to streak down his face again, his eyes burned from the continuous stream of hot tears, his throat hurt from the screams that still escaped him as he fought with his own mind. Nobody had ever caused him to have a full-on meltdown like this, what he originally thought was anger towards you was actually fear, he was terrified of facing you again.

You were angry with him, possibly hated him now, and he couldn’t handle that. Asmodeus lived off the love people showered him with, his brothers occasionally became annoyed with him but they never showed him this level of anger, your love and attention meant more to him than ten thousand fans screaming for him.

Your opinion was more important to him than anyone else’s, he craved your validation and forgiveness, he needed to find a way to make it up to you but he didn’t know where to start. When others became upset with him, the fifth born would simply charm them into forgiving him for his actions. You would require actual work that Asmo wasn’t sure he could handle.

The thought of trying to please you, to win your heart back, only to be rejected or further scorned made his heart race. He was afraid you would rip him to shreds, the way you had sunk your fangs into Belphie at dinner, exposing his insecurities for all to see and mock him for.

His biggest fear was you severing the pact, he wasn’t ready to give up the power he felt with you, he was slow to form it but now that it was made Asmo would fight to keep his pact with you. He wanted to be yours, however you saw fit, he needed you to want him around. He loved you and he loved belonging to you. He hated himself for the way he treated you originally, remembering the awful things he said about you when you weren’t around made him sick, he understood why his charm had no affect on you. How could you ever lust after such a horrendously cruel and insecure demon like him?

Even so, he loved you. He loved the way you said his name in conversation, he loved your laugh when his brothers did something dumb, he loved how you gave him compliments and they actually felt genuine, he loved your smile when he told you good morning.

Your smile.

That beautiful smile, the one he thought he would lose forever. He remembered seeing you there in his brothers arms, body beaten and bruised, barely holding on to life. The sight of you so badly torn to pieces had drawn out a petrified scream from the fifth born, he was panicking over if you would survive, he wanted to fix you but Lucifer had deemed you too far gone.

Too traumatized to cry in the moment, feeling incredibly nauseous and afraid of blacking out, Asmo remembered how he clung to Satan’s arm to balance himself. No one could comfort him, they were all just as terrified and distraught, he spent the next few evenings texting you late into the night just to ensure you were still alive and well.

Asmodeus had been so grateful that you were alive, he had suppressed any thought of you potentially dying or being hurt, but in one single night you had forced him to see the ugly truth. He had treated you like a lesser being. His brother had attacked you. You did die. And they all pretended nothing happened. The guilt was starting to mix with his fear, making him nauseous once again.

Asmo tossed himself further into his bed, burying his face in the array of pillows, fighting back more tears. He pulled his phone out and opened your messages, he was immediately soothed by your contact photo, it was just you and no one else. The glisten in your eyes, the smile on your face, the soft glow on your cheeks, he was captivated by your beauty. What a wonderful human to have as a master, only fitting to be served by the Avatar of Lust. Asmodeus choked back a sob wishing he could be curled up in your lap as you comfort him, his eyes locked on your picture, he spoke in a barely audible whisper.

“I love you…”

*******************************************************

 “So like, I get why ya brought me along… but why is he here?” Mammon glared at his target, body tense and putting distance between it and you. Slumped over a counter near you was the sleepy youngest, looking at you to defend his existence and not daring to speak against Mammon on his own.

“He’s here to carry my bags,” You retorted as you continued looking through the clothes rack. “Besides, he’s not hurting anyone.”

“Not yet anyway…” Mammon kept his eyes locked on the youngest, following you to the next row.

You were used to this by now, Mammon rejoining the group in daily life had caused a slight skew in the hierarchy. He was used to being your loyal demon, joining you for any and all things you didn’t want to do alone. When he reemerged and discovered that Belphegor was now following you around, he became extremely protective. Unaware of your new deal with the youngest, Mammon had actually slammed him into a wall when he saw Belphie following you to your room one evening.

Sitting him down to explain the situation didn’t help much either, Mammon argued that it was a stupid idea.

“What if he tries somethin’??” He had challenged.

“Oh believe me, he won’t try anything. He knows his place now.” You told him. “And if he does try something, then you have my full permission to end him.”

Unsure of what he had missed while being locked away in his room, the second oldest was intrigued by your newfound confidence, the boldness of you ordering him to go after someone who tried to harm you was incredibly attractive, though he would never tell you that out loud.

Ever since, it had been a constant battle, Belphie doing as told and staying near to answer your commands and Mammon keeping a close eye on him. You noticed that any time Belphie got too close to you, Mammon would let out a small growl signaling him to back off, the youngest never pushed further once this happened.

You had pulled them both out of the house and brought them to Majolish, needing Mammon’s eye for fashion and needing Belphie to carry all your things. Truthfully, you would have preferred the fifth born to join you for this, Mammon was far too bashful to tell you how things looked on you, Asmo was always straightforward on if things were too baggy or if they hugged you perfectly. The problem there was Asmodeus had been avoiding you like the plague for about two weeks now.

Any time you entered a room with him he would dart out, if he walked into a room you already occupied he would turn tail and run, meals were the only place he couldn’t avoid you. He ate his meal and avoided eye contact, refused to make small talk, and would take off the minute he finished eating.

Asmo was a drama queen and you were well aware of that, but the constant avoidance was getting obnoxious. You had tried asking Solomon what his problem was but the sorcerer was just as clueless, informing you that any time he mentioned your name to Asmo he was met with sudden backlash, teary eyes, and a rather distraught demon.

As if by magic the demon of your thoughts suddenly appeared, a few rows over you spotted the Avatar of Lust looking through a collection of tops, he seemed perfectly fine at the moment.

Now was your chance.

You set down the jacket you were holding, but just as you started toward him Asmo looked up, locking eyes with you, you watched the color drain from his face. He dropped his bags and immediately shot out of the building, you cursed which caught Mammon’s attention finally.

“Mammon, will you finish my errands for me?” You turned to him, giving your sweetest smile and using a voice laced with innocence, you didn’t need him to know your plans. “I just remembered there’s something I have to get done before the end of the day!”

“Wha—Me? I mean, course I’ll do it but yer not takin’ him are ya?” Mammon gestured towards the youngest who was now lingering behind you absent mindedly playing with the sleeve of a shirt next to him.

“No, I need you to keep an eye on him actually, can you do that for me?” You were trying to speed this along, knowing Asmo was getting further away with each passing minute.

“Yeah, I guess so…”

“Great!” You turned sharply looking Belphie in the eyes “Listen to him and do not give him trouble, understand?” He nodded quickly, a bashful look on his face. You took off out the door in search for the fifth born.

“Listen here runt, yer gonna help me finish this list and then we’re gonna go home so I can keep a eye on ya, got it?” Mammon spoke sternly.

“Yeah whatever, I don’t want to spend time with you either, I’d rather be in my room. The only reason I’m listening to you is so they can go catch Asmo.” Belphie crossed his arms, pouting and wishing you had taken him with you.

“Asmo?? What’s he gotta do with this?” Mammon headed towards the check out, ready to get these errands over with.

“Oh right, you cried for a week in your room, so you don’t know.” Belphie smirked but it quickly vanished as Mammon spun around and grabbed his shirt collar.

“Watch it runt.” He hissed, inches from the seventh born’s face “I have permission to kick your ass, so I suggest ya remember why I was in my room so long and tell me what Asmo has to do with this!”

“Asmo was in the store and took off running, MC is chasing after to confront him.” Belphie swallowed hard once his brother let go of his shirt.

“How the hell do ya know they’re chasin’ after him though? They said they had things to do before the day ended!” Mammon refused to believe that his youngest brother could possibly know more than him.

“Because I watched them make eye contact and I saw the look in their eyes when Asmo took off. Plus, since I’ve spent so much time with them lately, they’ve been venting to me about all their problems.” Belphie knew he already struck a chord with that last bit and would probably regret it, so he took it one step further. “Guess I’m their favorite demon now.”

Mammon felt a rage flare inside him, he was so sick of Belphie’s smart mouth, but he knew better than to lose control in a store. He started taking steps closer to his brother, who began backing away until he was pressed against a display case with nowhere to go, Mammon leaned in close letting a low growl out before speaking in a spiteful whisper.

“Imma let ya off this time for sayin’ some shit like that. You think you’re the favorite?” He scoffed. “You ain’t nothin’ little man. Next time you get too close to my human? I’ll show you who the favorite is.” Mammon could practically smell the fear on his brother, it was his turn to smirk. “Now tell me, why are they chasin’ after Asmo?”

“Asmo has been avoiding MC and won’t speak to them, he won’t stay in a room with them and refuses to speak to or even look at them, it’s been going on for weeks now.” The words flew from his mouth in fear.

“So, yer tellin’ me they’re about to confront an overly emotional Asmo who’s been avoiding ‘em for weeks?” Mammon knew how his little brother was in these conditions, an emotional Asmodeus was a lot to handle but an emotionally unstable Asmo was dangerous to both himself and others.

“Shit.”

*******************************************************

You were prepared to search high and low for Asmodeus knowing he was likely long gone, but you lucked out when you exited Majolish finding him a few feet down the sidewalk. His back was pressed against the building behind him, knees slightly bent, he was red in the face and looked out of breath.

“ASMO!” You called, louder than intended.

Asmodeus snapped his head towards you, his eyes went wide and you knew this was going to be harder than planned. He took off down the street, faster than expected for a demon in heels, you chased after him.

He darted in and out of the crowded street, shoving past various demons and succubi trying to talk to him, he tripped only once but caught himself on a nearby fruit stand and took off again after flinging a crate of redxred apples to the ground in hopes to slow you down.

You were determined to catch up with him, knocking into demons left and right, not caring what they hissed at you as you pursued the Avatar of Lust. You jumped over the pile of discarded apples and kept running. Something inside of you started burning, you felt like a predator hunting its prey, starving for answers and chasing him relentlessly. Asmo would occasionally look back to see you closing in on him, you could tell exactly where he was headed and decided to cut him off.

Throwing the front door of the House of Lamentation open, Asmo headed up the stairs, he just needed to reach his room then he would be safe. He rounded the corner to the hallway leading to his sanctuary and came face to face with you, he screamed and jumped back slightly. You had known he would seek refuge in his room, so you had gone through the back door, taking a different staircase to beat him here.

“What is your problem?” You were sick of this all, tired of the avoidance, tired of him bolting from you. You wanted answers and wanted them now.

“Go away…” His voice was weak, the look in his eyes was familiar but you couldn’t place it.

“NO! I want answers Asmo! Why are you avoiding me? I get it, I yelled at you and you didn’t like that, but are you seriously going to treat me like this now?!” You stepped closer to him, you could see his breathing pick up, chest moving rapidly, his eyes wide.

“Leave me alone…” Voice wavering, you recalled the last time you saw this look in someone’s eyes. Belphegor had given you the same look when you had cornered him in your room, eyes full of fear, it was feeding something inside you again.

“No… answer me. Do you think you’re too good to speak to me anymore?”

“Please, just leave me alone…”

“Think you’re better than me again? Think I’m not worth your time?”

“Go away! Please!”

“All I’ve ever been is just a toy for you to play with until you’re bored! Just your precious little doll right?” A light flickered in your eyes, adrenaline pumping through you.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!! PLEASE!” In an instant Asmo transformed into his demon form, fear still in his eyes but now joined by tears brimming on the edge ready to spill. You didn’t back down, seeing his horns would have scared you months ago but after all this, after dying? Demons were no longer scary to you, but you seemed to terrify them.

“TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ASMODEUS! YOU WANT ME TO GO AWAY? THEN ANSWER ME!” Both of you were screaming now, you knew if anyone was home they could hear the two of you, you knew none of them dared to interrupt you though. No one was coming to save Asmo and no one needed to save you.

“I LOVE YOU!!!” His voice was shrill, using every ounce of himself to cry out. He dropped to his knees, face red as the tears poured down his cheeks.

You paused for a moment, stunned by his sudden outburst. Asmo was known for being narcissistic, full of love for himself and no one else, this had to be a lie or some sick joke. But if that was the case, why was he so distraught, why was he on his knees having a breakdown?

“What?” Your tone cautious, waiting for him to jump up and lunge at you, expecting this to be a cover for some attack.

“I love you!! I can’t face you anymore because I was awful to you but I love you!” His breathing shaky in between sobs, “I can’t stop thinking about the way you see me now! It’s killing me! You hate me now but I love you!” he looked up at you with pleading eyes, his hands gripping his thighs so tight his knuckles turned white. He started muttering ‘I love you’ repeatedly through his tears, his body shaking as he gasped for air.

When Belphie had broken before you, it made you feel empowered, it fed something inside you, watching Asmodeus have a meltdown wasn’t nearly as satisfying. You knew the fifth born never let others see his true emotions, always wearing a smile and keeping up his playboy appearance and attitude, to see him on his knees weak and vulnerable like this was either a sign of trust or total fear. You took a deep breath before sighing, you knelt down next to him, wiping tears off his cheek.

“You don’t love me Asmo…you barely know me.”

“I do though! I love you! All of you!” He tensed up under your touch, his breath hitching as your thumb glided across his face. His voice was desperate, you couldn’t tell if he was trying to convince you or himself.

“No, Asmo, you really don’t. You have no reason to love me.” You continued trying to wipe his tears away as well as the smudges of his mascara. His eyes followed your every movement, his breathing finally starting to even out. “We’ve hardly spent time together.”

“Then why do I feel like this? Why can’t I stop thinking about you? Why do I want to be with you all the time?” His hand slowly reached up to hold your wrist as you started wiping his other cheek, you could feel his eyes locked on your lips and knew you needed to stop this before it got out of hand.

“I don’t know Asmo, maybe you feel guilty for how you used to treat me? Maybe you have a crush on me, you’re Avatar of Lust, who knows but I know it’s not love.” You lowered your hand and looked at him, he looked pitiful. Another broken demon sat before you, begging to be put back together, you got your answer but were confused on where to go from here.

Love was really all Asmodeus knew, he received it from his friends, from his fans, from random strangers on the street. You had stirred up new emotions in him, ugly ones that he typically avoided having like guilt, anger, fear, and sadness. You knew he was just projecting his swell of emotions into the one he was comfortable with, telling himself that he was madly in love with you when in reality he was just lost.

“I’m sorry…” Asmo’s voice cut through your thoughts, he was still looking at you with those sad eyes, he moved his hand from your wrist and softly grazed your fingers with his. “I was awful to you… I said some very hateful things… it makes me sick to think about. I wish I could take it back, I wish I could fix this!”

“You can fix this Asmo.” You took his hand in yours, knowing he needed some type of comfort right now.

“How?” His voice soft and close to breaking again.

“You’ve already started by apologizing, by taking responsibility for how you treated me before.”

“You’ll forgive me for that?” The fifth born leaned in slightly, his wings fluttered behind him.

“Of course, as long as you realize what you said and did and actively work on being better, then I have no problem forgiving you.” You watched a smile form on his lips finally, he looked down at your hand holding his and began playing with your fingers.

“I don’t deserve it though…”

“Asmo look, you said some really mean stuff yeah, but I told you I’m willing to mend our relationship if you are.”

“No, I mean…” Asmo took a deep breath in, preparing himself to be completely honest with you. “I don’t deserve your love or forgiveness, I’m not the amazing, self-confident demon you think I am. I’m horribly insecure about a lot of things…”

“Asmo…” His tears fell silently this time, he was trying to occupy himself by playing with your hand still. You had known all along the fifth born had several insecurities, it only made sense with the amount of attention he always received, but Asmo was never one to openly admit that. For him to sit here and tell you, even if it wasn’t a specific insecurity, you knew this was him giving you total access and control.

“I don’t care if you’re insecure, I am too. I just want us to get along.”  You placed your other hand on top of his, “can we do that?”

Asmo gave a weak smile but shook his head vigorously, you knew he was exhausted emotionally and you were worn out physically from chasing him down. You helped him stand and walked him to his bedroom, telling him you both needed to rest for a while, he leaned into you as you made your way down the hall.

Once reaching his room, Asmo opened the door but lingered for a moment, a bashful look on his face before saying your name in a quiet voice.

“I know this isn’t the right time to ask but…do you think that maybe, you and I could… get to know each other better?” He looked at you with soft eyes, nervously awaiting your response.

“I’d like that,” You gave him a warm smile “maybe we can start with you helping me pick an outfit for the formal next week.”

Asmo beamed at you, agreeing to help you as soon as you were ready, and you left him to decompress. He shut his door and made his way towards his bed, he swiftly bent over and pulled a small box from underneath. Sitting himself on the bed, the box next to him, Asmo opened the lid and removed two pictures from inside. One of you on your own, a candid he had taken while out with the group, the other a selfie he managed to snag with you.

You really were a perfect creature, so sweet and innocent yet powerful and dangerous, just like him. The two of you were so similar, absolutely stunning without trying, objects of desire among demons, capable of driving others crazy with lust. It’s as if you were meant to be.

Asmodeus hummed happily staring at the two pictures, his heart starting to heal already, he laid back on the bed holding the photos over his chest. Even if you didn’t believe him right now, even if he had to spend the next thousand years proving it to you, Asmo knew he really was in love with you. And he was determined to make you see that.

Even if it killed him.

Tag list: @mrningstar @ari-shipping-stuff @asexual-levia-tan @devilfemdom @mamsvi @itsmeninerz @rose2889 @rysexblog @starberiparfait @spongiform-encephalopathies @all-of-my-regrets-in-one-place @starryniex @mistermoss18 @hamiltonwrite12 @otomaticallyobsessed @bearyposts @magic-forever-and-after @hero-the-diamond @321clockworkangels @midnightbluebell @drakaena @juminhanswifey @aptapata @nagitokomaeda-the69th @anni1600 @blackcatpandora @dtsyoongs @nishayuro it wouldn’t let me tag some people :(

✨Reblogs are much appreciated✨

[mxtxfanatic]

The Validity of Jin Guangyao’s Lookout Towers

There’s been a lot of discourse for a while about the validity of the lookout towers that Jin Guangyao builds in his capacity as Chief Cultivator: whether or not they were a good or bad thing, whether they helped civilians or not, and what the real motivation behind building them was. I’ll be going over my thoughts on these lookout towers, using quotes from the exr, fanyiyi, and boat-full-of-lotus pods translations as well as a translated snippet from @jiangwanyinscatmom for every instance the lookout towers are mentioned in the story. Be warned that with this in mind, this will get long. Analysis under the cut:

The first time the reader is introduced to the concept of the lookout towers is in Chapter 42 (Flora X for fanyiyi, Grasses for exr). Wangxian and the junior disciples had just escaped Yi City, and Wei Wuxian is lamenting the fact that lookout towers (which he had seen along their path and which Lan Wangji explained the purpose of to him) were not built anywhere near the city. This is the explanation for their building provided by the 3rd POV narrator:

These “lookout towers” were distributed across distant, desolate locations, and disciples were chosen from each clan and posted to them. If something strange appeared, they were to act immediately. In the event that they couldn’t solve the problem on their own, they were supposed to promptly request help from other clans or wandering cultivators. In the event that the cultivators who answered the call asked for compensation, the funds the Lanling Jin Clan raised each year were enough to cover it in spite of the locals’ inability to bear the financial burden.

–fanyiyi

These “lookout towers” were scattered around the more remote places. Every one of them were assigned disciples from certain sects. If anything strange happened, they’d take action at once. When they couldn’t deal with the matter, they’d send out messages to other sects or rogue cultivators for help. Even if the cultivators who came wanted something in return while the locals were too poor to give them any, the money that the LanlingJin Sect gathered throughout each year would be enough to support them.

–exr

However, before they were built, they were met with a lot of resistance and backlash:

After Jin Guangyao had officially succeeded Jin Guangshan as Clan Chief and risen to the position of Chief Cultivator, he had begun gathering and deploying personnel and resources from each clan, putting his hand to the task of realizing his earlier plan. Immediately, he was met by a wave of resistance; many suspected the Lanling Jin Clan of using the project as a pretext to stuff their own pockets and seize more power. Jin Guangyao plastered a smile on his face and spent five full years grinding down the opposition. In that time, he made a countless number of alliances, and a countless number of enemies. After much coaxing with the carrot, prodding with the stick, and generally deploying every strategy at his disposal, he finally prevailed. Over one thousand two hundred “lookout towers” went up throughout the land...

...All of this occurred after the death of the Yiling Laozu. Wei Wuxian had only gotten the whole story from Lan Wangji after the two had passed a few lookout towers during their journey. He had heard reports that Jinlin Terrace1 was preparing to build a second round of lookout towers, expanding the number to three thousand and covering an even greater area. After the existing set of lookout towers had been built, their effectiveness garnered them widespread approval, but nonetheless, the sounds of doubt and ridicule had never abated.

–fanyiyi

After Jin GuangYao officially succeeded the position of Sect Leader and became the Chief Cultivator, he immediately gathered people and resources from the sects, and started to carry out his past goals. In the beginning, the voices of opposition were deafening. A lot of people suspected that the LanlingJin Sect used it to gain personal benefits and stuff its own pockets. With a smiling face, Jin GuangYao persisted for five years. During the years, he allied but also fell out with countless people. Using both gentle and forceful methods, he did all that he could and what he wished for was finally completed. More than twelve hundred “lookout towers” had been built...

...All of these happened after the death of the YiLing Patriarch. Wei WuXian only heard the ins and outs from Lan WangJi after they passed a few lookout towers during their journey. Rumors had it that Koi Tower was preparing to build the next batch of lookout towers, increasing them to three thousand in number so that they covered a greater area. Although after the first lookout towers were built, they received widespread approvals due to their notable effects, the voices of suspicion and ridicule had never died either. When the time came, the cultivation world would definitely be thrown into chaos again.

–exr

The backlash was specifically because Jin Guangyao was “gathering and deploying personnel and resources from each clan” (fanyiyi). Yet, the opposition is eventually suppressed enough to proceed with construction after 5 years. How so? Well the 3rd POV narrator explains once again:

Back then, in order to build the lookout towers, Jin GuangYao not only faced quite a number of opposers, but also displeased a handful of sects. One of the opposing sect’s leaders lost the arguments, and went into a murderous rage, killing Jin GuangYao and Qin Su’s only son. The boy had always been a good child and he couple had always loved him dearly. Under resentment, Jin GuangYao tore down the entire sect in revenge.

–Chapt. 47: Guile, exr

An opposing clan leader killed Jin Rusong, Jin Guangyao’s son, and Jin Guangyao massacred the entire clan in retaliation. This is the second time the lookout towers are mentioned in the text, and this gives a more detailed explanation on exactly what “forceful methods” (exr) Jin Guangyao used at his disposal to push his plans through. The next time we hear about the lookout towers, it is very briefly mentioned in Chapt. 49: Guile (exr) where Jin Guangyao is seen through Empathy discussing the blueprints with Lan Xichen, and the last time they are ever mentioned is in Chapt. 86: Loyalty (exr, boat-full-of-lotus-pods, and @/jiangwanyinscatmom segment) when the clans gather at Lotus Pier following the failed second siege of the Burial Mounds to discuss Jin Guangyao’s treachery.

So first question: did the lookout towers create a positive change for civilians? From the little we are told, “their effectiveness garnered them widespread approval“ (fanyiyi) / “they received widespread approvals due to their notable effects“ (exr), so on the surface, yes. But we don’t actually see this approval or effectiveness in the story. For all that the lookout towers were meant to cover cultivator-less areas, remote places like Yi City* were still left untouched by their sights. On top of that, the previous system of night-hunting was that areas would be overseen by local cultivation families. Yi City became a blindspot partially because the Chang clan–the nearest cultivation family–had already been wiped out, and none other had come to replace them.

Futhermore, cultivators–particularly those from the big clans–were notorious for turning away night-hunts that they felt would not bring them glory, would not pay well, or were too troublesome (On Yi City: ”These places were usually located in relatively remote areas, beyond the control of cultivators. Of course, cultivators didn’t want to deal with them either, as doing so was extremely troublesome, even worse than dealing with an aquatic abyss.” chapt. 33, fanyiyi). In a perfect world, cultivators would pick up any task, but in the world of mdzs pre-Wei Wuxian’s resurrection, only Lan Wangji accepts any night-hunt with no compensation, hence his title of Hanguang-jun. As for the pay: well, the explanation says that if locals cannot afford the cultivators’ fees, the Jin would pay for it with “the funds the Lanling Jin Clan raised,” which remember: the Jin are using the resources of other clans to fund the lookout towers. Those clans would, therefore, still be footing the bill in a roundabout way. At best, the effects of the lookout towers are nebulous as, essentially, nothing has actually changed under this system: remote areas are still unprotected, cultivators can still refuse night-hunts they don’t like, and clans will still have to foot the bill for locals who can’t afford their fees.

Second question: was the building of the lookout towers a categorically good thing? I say no. The problem wasn’t that the idea was bad, but the execution of it was paid in blood. Jin Rusong was used as a convenient pawn to excuse Jin Guangyao’s slaughter of his political opponents. Clan Leader Yao (for once) makes the connection perfectly in Chapt. 86:

Sect Leader Yao continued, “And the one who killed Jin RuSong just happened to be the sect leader who opposed his construction of the lookout towers—how could there be such a coincidence?” He snorted, “Either way, no matter what, Jin GuangYao didn’t need to keep a son who’d likely turn out to be an idiot. He killed Jin RuSong, framed the sect leader who opposed him, and crusaded against sects that refused to accept him fair and square, in the name of revenge for his son—although it was heartless, it killed two birds with one stone. What tactics, LianFang-Zun!”

–exr

Sect Leader Yao continued, “Plus, the one who supposedly murdered Jin RuSong also just so happened to be the sect leader in opposition of Jin GuangYao building the lookout towers. Isn’t that too much of a coincidence?” He smirked, “Either way, there was very little reason for Jin GuangYao to keep a stunted offspring. He’d be much better off having Jin RuSong killed and framing it on an opposing sect leader. That way he could use justice and revenge as excuse to prosecute the sect that he could not tame. It’s a cruel yet very efficient method, getting rid of two birds with one stone. LianFang-Zun is a brilliant manipulator!”

–boat-full-of-lotus-pods

Master Yao continued, “And at the time, the person who poisoned Jin Rusong happened to be the leader of the clan who opposed Jin Guangyao's watchtowers. Can there be such a coincidence?" He sneered, "Anyway, no matter what, Jin Guangyao didn't need to keep a son who was likely to be an idiot. Kill Jin Rusong, kill the leader who opposed him, and then in the name of avenging his son, he justly kills that family who did not accept his rule. Although ruthless, it kills two birds with one stone. What a strategy Lianfeng-zun!"

–@/jiangwanyinscatmom

Jin Guangyao was specifically being opposed for how he was commandeering the disciples and resources of other clans while claiming to be putting the Jin Clan’s resources on the line. Meanwhile behind the scenes, he was scheming for ways to get rid of detractors and landed on using his son’s murder as the catalyst. (A murder which he admits to: “Jin GuangYao easily read what his eyes meant, laughing out of anger, ‘Lan XiChen! In this life, I’ve lied countless times, killed countless times. Like you said, I killed my father, my brother, my wife, my son...’” Chapt. 108, exr)

@/jiangwanyinscatmom’s translation even makes clear the distinction that what Jin Guangyao was being opposed on was not the lookout towers, themselves, but the massive overreach of power by which Jin Guangyao was allowed to commandeer the other clans or wipe them from the planet at his own whim and discretion. And he would have been planning for this for a long time, as he entangled Lan Xichen into his plans for the lookout towers (remember that very brief flashback) and then pulled him into grieving for his son, thereby gaining the approval of at least one other great clan to do as he pleased on this matter. If this was to truly be considered a good project, it should not have been accomplished by such underhanded and bloody means.

And my last question: if not to help civilians, then what was the motivation behind the lookout towers? Well Jin “rapist of sex workers” Guangyao, Jin “instigator of multiple clan and sex worker massacres” Guangyao, Jin “knew about the massacre of Yi City but kept it under wraps to save face” Guangyao does not care about civilians, so we can definitely cross that out. Looking at the evidence still in Chapt. 86, a few pages down from Clan Leader Yao’s explanation, we get this:

“I’ll say a secret too. The money and resources he used to build the lookout towers were all collected from other sects, right? Every sect helped out a bit. I heard that he secretly takes... this amount.”

“Oh Heavens... So much? He really is shameless. I thought he really wanted do good back then. All of our sincerity was fed to the dogs!”

Wei WuXian felt that things were rather comical, If they’re rumors, why the hurry to believe them? If they’re secrets, why would you come to know them?

These rumors didn’t happen in just the one day. However, in the past, when Jin GuangYao was popular, they were suppressed quite well. Almost nobody took them seriously. Yet, tonight, all of the rumors seemed to have become absolute truths, forming the rocks and bricks of Jin GuangYao’s supposedly-committed crimes, proving his lack of morality.

–exr

“Let me share a secret as well then. The money and resources needed to build those lookout towers of his were all gathered from other sects, right? Each sec would receive the portions they’ve contributed, but I’ve heard that he’d actually retain for himself…… this much.”

“Oh Heavens…… that much? How shameless! And here I thought he was honestly trying to do things with them. We’ve been feeding our devotions to the dogs!”

Wei WuXian found this all to be quite amusing. He mused in his heart, ‘If you know it’s only rumors, then why believe it without question? If it’s really a secret, then how did you come to know about it?’

None of these rumors were fresh or new. While the tides had favoured Jin GuangYao, they were effectively contained, and no one really believed them to be true. Yet, in the span of one night, it was as if all the rumors had suddenly become solid evidence, and one by one they became the cornerstone foundation to Jin GuangYao’s tower of sins; proof of his madness.

–boat-full-of-lotus-pods

Jin Guangyao was using the lookout towers as a test run to see how far he could stretch his newfound power as Chief Cultivator, a running theme for all of the previous chief cultivators in the novel (Wen Ruohan and the indoctrination camp escalating into the supervision offices escalating into flat-out war, Jin Guangshan and the Wen labor camp at Qiongqi Path run by the Jin Clan but employing disciples of other clans escalating into the Nightless City banquet and first siege of the Burial Mounds). Can Jin Guangyao as Chief Cultivator command other clans’ disciples without need of permission from their leaders? Yes. Can he seize other clans’ money and resources for his own expenditures? Yes. Can he annihilate clans without any pushback? Yes.

But I also want to draw attention to my bolded emphasis on not only the explanation but also the little chunk of text at the end of the quote. Before that segment, Wei Wuxian (rightfully) points out that these nameless cultivators are running with rumors as truth, the same way they had run with rumors to justify murdering him 13 years prior and accusing him of kidnapping the junior disciples just that day at the second siege. This is a fair observation to make, but the 3rd POV narrator (bolded) swiftly comes in to cap any sympathy that may have begun budding for our fallen villain by telling us what Wei Wuxian does not know: these rumors have existed from the moment Jin Guangyao seized power and began to test his boundaries; it’s just that Jin Guangyao had the power to suppress them before. Now that he has been dethroned and relegated back to “son of a whore,” there is nothing stopping people from recalling the opposition that had always been levied against him from the very beginning. There is nothing stopping them from tearing down the reputation he built in blood.

So there you have it, folks: everything mdzs has to say on Jin Guangyao’s lookout towers, with a little analysis by me on how I think we are meant to view their role in the story. Hope you enjoyed!

*Note: The lookout towers were built after Xue Yang had been expelled from the Jin Clan, but Jin Guangyao still kept an eye on him, as evidenced by the fact that Su She knew where to find him and that yin tiger tally was with him in Yi City. Yi City was sacrificed to Xue Yang to uphold Jin Guangyao’s reputation and hide away his dirty secrets from being exposed.

[codename-adler]

my niche take (not for canon tho): i quite dislike the wildly popular hc that andrew has tons of piercings… it just doesn’t seem… right? it would fit his style (?) and personality for sure but i just can’t help feeling like he would never? do that? i think the same of tattoos but that bothers me a little less…

ah, this is gonna get me sent to sleep with da fishes...

i am of the same opinion. (i would like to stress here, opinion)

my opinion stems both from personal experience and canon characterization, and it has nothing to with aesthetics. of course, of course, tiny emo beef boy would rock tattoos and piercings. he canonically wears all-black, smokes, wields knives and listens to soul asylum. of course.

however, so much of Andrew's traumas, trauma responses and PTSD are based in physicality.

first, Andrew did not own his body, it being abused and abused and abused, by people he trusted, and people he didn't. the 'trust' part didn't matter; his body was abused. he learned the lesson and kept guard of his body rigidly, tirelessly, violently (the lesson he thought there was; there is no lesson to get from child SA).

second, Andrew took back his body in ways his psyche could understand and accept. SH and hypersexuality. both instances have him in control of every inch of his body. nobody touches, only him. nobody inflicts, only him. before; during; after. Neil is the exception confirming the pattern, the rule.

third, Andrew defends his body against whoever he must. no matter family, friends, team, Neil. his body and subconscious always remember before his consciousness does. again, even if Neil helps start his journey towards healing, trust doesn't really have a say in his defense mechanism. violence it is. violence it must be.

now. say it is a professional tattoo artist or piercer: how long before Andrew trusts them enough? how long before trust doesn't matter and the itch of the past settles into his skin? what if the eyebrow piercing feels too similar to the bottle Drake broke onto his head? what if the forearm tattoos tickle his self-inflicted scars like Drake's kisses did? what if the person ticks off a no-no box of Andrew's mid-session? there are so many variables Andrew does not control, why put himself in the situation and risk his last pebble of sanity?

i think the only way Andrew would get either piercings or tattoos would be if Neil did them. hello fic writers go fucken wild with this one.

personally i'd say it would only happen quite a few years after TRK, when Andrew has matured, possibly when his pro career is over because ouch Exy brawls and piercings don't get along well, but that's just me. maybe just studs, maybe the tattoos are very minimalists and have nothing to do with Andrew's scars, idk.

i'd like to be clear on one thing though: my believing Andrew does not ever have piercings and/or tattoos has nothing to do with believing he does not heal enough to do that, or that survivors of abuse like him are broken to the point of never getting anything done to their body. to me it's like Andreil never saying 'i love you' and never getting married. Andrew, like Neil, like the Foxes, are unconventional, difficult characters whose healing journeys are not pretty nor normalized. but it doesn't mean they don't get to a healthy place, whatever that looks for them. it does not mean they are not okay, and valid in their choices. to me, it has everything to knowing yourself so thoroughly, forgiving yourself so wholly, accepting yourself so completely, that there is no need to hide your body or prove your limits, to your own self or to others. i think it would be much more significant if Andrew one day could simply remove his armbands, and never wear them again, than to cover his scars with tattoos. to allow himself softness rather than arm his presence with more piercings.

again, it's also not that serious. Andrew can have an ice cream cone tattooed on his ass for all i care. give him a dainty little nose ring he sniffs up one time and has to go to the ER to get in unstuck. it's all shits and giggles if you wanna.

[respectthepetty]

Hi Respect!

I really loved @placetneplacet's post calling out how Zo's fears around Joke went directly back to his interactions with Puen, and you highlighting the specifics of how it's impacted Zo throughout the series. You both tapped so adeptly into something I've been rather incoherently rambling about, regarding how fear is a reoccurring motif in the show. And I was curious about your thoughts (and anyone else's) on how Joke's fear is being portrayed so far. We're seeing him push through a lot of more...I don't want to say superficial, because they're still quite valid...but more traditional human phobias (height, rollercoasters, etc) due to his desire to be near Zo. But there was that one scene where he absolutely panicked at Zo not answering the door & phone, to a rather excessive degree (I think most of us would assume our friend was asleep or stepped out without their phone before we decided they were probably dying and needed our help). So it seems that he's able to overcome fears in order to get closer to love, but that same love is also his biggest Achilles' heel around fear.

It feels to me that Joke has a rather substantial fear around loss based on something that happened in the past. And I'm wondering if there's going to be something revealed that will cause Zo's fear to retrigger, and maybe pull back, and then that will create issues around Joke's fear around losing Zo...

Anyway, would love to hear your thoughts!

(Adore your color analysis, btw)

@befuddledcinnamonroll, this is me after reading this -

@heretherebedork has mentioned a similar idea that Joke has his own issues with abandonment and loss due to the way he reacts to Zo's distance.

I'm of the mind that Joke is simply a lovesick guy who subjects his cousin to Sad Boy Karaoke when Zo avoids him.

But you and @heretherebedork have pointed out several instances of Joke panicking when it concerns Zo like the apartment moment.

And @chicademartinica mentioned that episode three was just forty-five minutes of watching Joke panic to the point that he showed up in the middle of the night outside of Zo's apartment

All because Zo was "acting weird earlier."

When it was because he touched Zo, and Zo ran for the hills.

TWICE!

But now that I think about it . . . maybe I've been too dismissive of Joke's behavior.

I took Joke for being the usual pushy seme in a BL, but when it comes to Zo, he is really pushy.

I have defended Joke's behavior because, to me, it's needed to break through Zo's resistance, but . . .

Each time Joke has been called out for his behavior, he offers a variation of this response:

And next week, when confronted with his hidden agenda (if it isn't him conspiring with Pat to get Zo, I'm going to be shocked - LOOK AT THE REFLECTION!)

He offers the same reasoning - due to his actions being based on his care for and of Zo, he wasn't in the wrong.

Which leads to Zo getting upset.

During their pseudo-date, Zo told him the story of roses.

In response, Joke mentioned he would never let his lover go.

Joke stated he "would never let someone [he] loves face danger alone."

We have four episodes left and have no idea where Joke's parents are. Why did he take Zo to meet his grandmother, and not his parents? But we've seen Joke cover for Nita to protect her from a stalker to the point that he didn't defend himself against rumors. And we saw how he reacted to James and Puen hurting his loved ones.

Joke's reactions are reasonable to me, but both Nita and Zo had to drag him off James, and Joke wanted to fight Puen so the second Puen grabbed Zo's arm, Zo had to tell Joke to back off.

I want there to be a reason beyond love that makes Joke so protective, but like you mentioned, what if love really is his Achilles' heel? What if Joke gets so blinded by love that he can't see reason? What if he wants to protect Zo so badly because one time he didn't?

And what if it all stems from the freshy contest?

Because even then, Joke had his reasons.

Perhaps the one time Joke didn't cross the line and didn't push back, was the one time he didn't protect Zo.

And he can't allow that to happen again.

[talokanda-forever]

Oh boy.

I intentionally avoided posting any thing about the allegations against Tenoch yesterday because I require time to process information. I needed time to give my brain a rest. This still feels a bit too soon. I will never be one to say Tenoch or anyone else would, "never do something like that." Because I have no idea. I'm hoping that the allegations aren't true. This post is my way of venting. It is in no way meant to persuade anyone else on what they should think or feel about this situation. And certainly not meant to be proof or evidence of why it happened or didn't happen. I don't know. None of us knows.

1. The framing of the dissemination of this information as "news." My biggest issue is that I've seen a lot of Twitter accounts pick up the same link that appears to be the outlet that first brought the Tweet by Maria Elena Rios to light (reforma.com). I don't know what journalistic standards this outlet follows, so I won't speculate. I did check to see if any well-established US outlets had Tweeted anything (Associated Press, Reuters, CNN, MSNBC), and as of roughly 30 min. ago they had not.

So far, all we really have are glorified Retweets, not a news story. There are A LOT of accounts with well designed pages that have all the hallmarks of looking like "official" news organizations, but they are not. It takes virtually no time or effort to Retweet something and start an avalanche. It's a trend that has bothered me for the last decade or so. Journalism requires independently verifying information you have received. It's going to multiple sources to corroborate the information. It's at the very least attempting to reach out to the involved parties to get their statements. It's reviewing public records and court filings to see what has been officially documented. And not to say that WON'T happen at some point, but it sure as hell isn't going to happen within 24 hours. It will take time and we STILL may never know the full story.

2. We should believe victims. ABSOLUTELY! In this particular instance and from this vantage point, Maria is only his accuser. It has not yet been established that she is his victim. I understand that she is a victim involving another individual, and thank goodness she survived that horific attack. However, as it pertains to Tenoch, I don't think interjecting alleged sexual assault in a Tweet focused on a different issue is enough to automatically leap to saying she was absolutely, 100%, without a doubt victimized by Tenoch. If it happened I would hope Maria would take legal action, given she was comfortable enough to make the accusation publicly under her name. Even then, she is not required to do so (which is why I say we may never know what did or didn't happen). I would imagine navigating the justice system in Mexico is no less stressful as navigating the justice system in the US. There are valid reasons for women not subjecting themselves to (potentially) years of legal struggles. But I also hope she wouldn't be so reckless as to throw out an allegation and not allow Tenoch to formally defend himself, assuming he denies these allegations. Once again, something that requires TIME.

3. To all those I have interacted with over the past few months on this site, know that I luv ya! I value our time together here. Regardless of what you've said or haven't said about this situation, that hasn't changed. I'm choosing to reserve judgement because that's how I am and how I will always be. I respect that everyone is not like me (thank God). Like many others, I will suspend posting here because, if for no other reason, I know how to read a fucking room. Let's all be kind and respectful to one another. To those folks who interact with me regularly, don't hesitate to DM me.

[disabilityreminders]

Here’s a post I wrote on some tips to help with hygiene care.

Remember that not being able to take care of your hygiene does not affect your worth! You are still worthy, even when you aren’t able to do the things you need/want to do.

If you don’t want to open an external link, I’ve pasted this post below the read more!

If the acts of having a shower, brushing your teeth or washing your face seem extra daunting, draining or just outright impossible sometimes, you are not alone.

There are no magic fixes, but here are some tips that might be useful to you.

Brushing Your Teeth

Brushing your teeth may seem like it will take far more energy than you can even imagine having in the moment! And that’s so valid. The thing to remember is that it is usually better to ditch the regular “rules” and do what is manageable than to just do nothing. Some things that help me:

Keeping a toothbrush and toothpaste in the shower. I find it so much easier to brush my teeth while I’m already in the shower with the water running.

Brushing for 30 seconds is better than for no time at all! You don’t have to do the entire two minutes. When I’m not able to brush for two minutes, I just start by brushing at all and seeing how long I can manage.

If you can afford it, an electric toothbrush can help.

You can brush your teeth with water! No, really. It does more for your teeth than not brushing at all. Dampen your toothbrush with a bit of water and brush your teeth if you think you can do that!

For those who don’t like flossing, the disposable floss sticks might help! You don’t need to measure out the floss and twist it like you do the regular floss.

If you have someone at home willing to help you, you can get their assistance! For some people, the act of getting the toothbrush ready is the exhausting part, maybe there's someone that will do all the before steps for you and then just put the toothbrush into your hand so you can just focus on brushing.

Having a Shower

I don’t know about you, but having a shower is the most daunting task there is for me. It is so exhausting to even think about. Here are some ideas to make it easier.

Prepare for the After

For me, it’s what happens after the shower that is draining. It makes it a bit easier for me to get my clothes ready, have my towel laid out, and anything else I need.

Have Products you Love

There are so many different scented soaps, body washes, shampoos and other products for the bath and shower these days. I have found that my favourite smelling body wash is so nice, and there’s a part of me that wants to shower just to use it.

Don’t Focus on Washing Yourself.

This sounds weird, but hear me out a bit. Focusing on it as a task we have to do may make it more exhausting. It might sound silly, but for me, I imagine the shower is a waterfall or rain that is “washing away” some of my bad thoughts, feelings and helping me lighten the load. I focus on turning it into a calm experience.

You can also just focus on standing in the water, and not actually washing yourself. It will clean you more than not showering at all, and is likely to help you feel more clean!

If Showering is Made More Difficult By Physical Issues

Some of us find chronic pain, issues with flexibility or other physical limitations can make showering difficult. This might be because it is hard to stay standing long enough for a full shower or because you have a hard time reaching certain parts of your body, just to name two of the many possible issues you might have.

If this is the case, there are a lot of potential aids and tools that might help you. For instance, shower stools are a really great tool. Sitting may seem less painful and less draining than standing. Long-handled shower brushes also exist and can help if you struggle with flexibility. A detachable shower head may be more accessible for you to use if you don’t have one already.

Washing your Face

Some of us have a detailed facial care routine. These sorts of routines may include several products specifically made for cleaning the face or a whole process for moisturising. We may believe these routines are absolutely necessary to keep our faces healthy. These can seem even more necessary and become even more intense if we regularly wear makeup.

While these routines may be very good for our skin, they also may seem draining and daunting, especially on mornings when we feel like we barely have the energy to get out of bed or nights when we aren’t sure how we’re still awake.

If you don’t have the energy for your full facial care routine, that’s okay. If you can figure out a few steps that are the most important and seem more doable for you, try limiting yourself to those on your low-energy days. If even that seems like too much, it’s okay to drop the process completely and just wash your face with a cleanser and a cloth, or even just water. There are also pre-done facial wipes that you can quickly use to cleanse your face.

Doing something is better than doing nothing, and you might be surprised by how it helps you feel cleaner and better to just splash water on your face, even without doing anything more.

(Also, it's completely valid to just take a damp cloth to wipe your face. You'd be amazed at how much that can help!)

Tips for All of the Above

Seek Support

For me, sometimes I call a friend and stay on the phone with them until I actually get in the shower. This can help in the “pre shower” ritual and make it seem less intimidating. I have also kept a friend on the phone while I brushed my teeth and washed my face.

An alternative is that sometimes I find a friend who also finds the act of showering or brushing their teeth super draining, and we make a pact to do it at the same time and then we text each other when it’s time and both go do what we need to do. We then come back and text each other and tell each other “good job!” This works like an accountability buddy and it makes me feel more motivated and less lonely.

Play Some Music

I find that playing music helps, especially if it’s music that makes me feel a bit pumped up. Something with a good beat might work well to time with brushing of your teeth or wiping of your face. There are bluetooth speakers and headphones that are shower friendly as well!

Focus on One Step at a Time

I find the whole idea of showering and/or brushing my teeth exhausting. There are so many steps to showering, such as getting undressed, getting the water on, washing my hair, and so on... I find that sometimes it can help to just focus on one step at a time and not the whole picture. What do I need to do first? For me, I need to turn the water on because it takes a few minutes to heat up. So I’ll focus on one thing at that moment, just turning the water on. That’s all I have to do. And then I go from there and see if I can work my way through the steps without looking at the “big” picture.

Alternatives to Help Feel Clean

Some days, we just can’t do it. And that’s okay! Here are some alternatives to help you feel clean:

Wash your face

Brush your hair

Use dry shampoo

Use body lotion

Change your clothes

Get some baby wipes or other wipes to use

Have a bath! (You can use a bath bomb, bubble bath, or something similar to make it feel pampering instead of like a task. When taking a bath it is much easier to put on an audio book, or even a show to keep you occupied).

Use some mouth wash

Remember that not being able to take care of your hygiene does not affect your worth! You are still worthy, even when you aren’t able to do the things you need/want to do.

If you have any tips, please feel free to share!

[blazeeblake]

Having lived through that one show with that one ship that ended in super-hell, rebar heartache, watching everything go down with the emergency response show is both 'I can't stop scrolling' levels of interesting to me, and super, eerily familiar. Obviously, it's not a one to one, shot for shot redux; in fact, I feel like the trifecta of a network change, an actor who seems very respectful and mindful of people seeking responsible media representation, and the actually canonization of a bi-coded character's bisexuality are pretty uncharted waters that I find surreal in the best of ways (though not too surreal; this show has always had some good rep I can get behind). But, the fallout of all of this unprecedented stuff is just about what I came to expect back in the day. The infighting, the clashes between opposing ships that can have valid points AND get taken too far (on either side); the very valid and intense hope that longstanding, built-in narratives pay off after way too many (largely network-imposed) obstacles, right alongside the very valid fear that nothing will pay off because when has it ever? It feels like deja-vu all over again and honestly I hope some tide changes so that stops being true, because I have seen things get sad and nasty in other instances and I don't want that for people just trying to chill out with some fiction. This is probably going to sound (more?) annoying, but I don't necessarily have a horse in this race. I know what I want to happen, both for my own gratification and for reasons that have more to do with narrative satisfaction, but I'm not gonna jump at anyone who doesn't agree or see what I see. I'm just a funky lil college dropout who knows her tropes, and has probably never used a semi-colon properly in her life. I also feel like I kind of fall into the camp of doing my damnedest to shove down my hyper-fixated hopes because man have I been burned in the past. My best, largely unasked for advice is to tag your stuff accordingly, hide/block the things that dampen the enjoyment, and hopefully have a good time on this current rollercoaster. I didn't like how the last big shipping thing I cared about ended, but what a ride it was.