#want to live my unremarkable adult life

[graysongraysoff]

is it so hard to understand that i am neither a smol bean nor a prolific smut fic writer but a secret third thing (just...... a person who doesn't experience sexual attraction)

[cy-lindric]

bonjour cy-lindric, j'ai une petite question. when I was a young person, I read The Three Musketeers and then eagerly started to read Twenty Years After and was so upset at what had happened to my beloved young heroes that I put the book down and never picked it up. what do you think, should I try again?

Bonjour !

After reading The Three Musketeers, I also wasn't sure I wanted to read Twenty Years After, and I took a break inbetween both to read something entirely different (The Locked Tomb, iirc). I think my reason for that was kind of the opposite of yours ; I enjoyed T3M a lot and loved the characters, flaws and all, but by the end they had somewhat crossed over the line into being Too Awful and the lack of retribution left me a bit frustrated. I didn't see it as a failing of the story - on the contrary, their strong character flaws and downfall in the conflict with Milady is one of the most emotionally intense and compelling parts imo - but I wasn't sure I felt like hanging out with these guys for a few hundred more pages at that point.

If your vision of the characters as a young reader was a very positive and perhaps idealized one, I can imagine why you might not have enjoyed entering into Twenty Years after. The illusion of glory has worn off ; the characters have separated, they live unremarkable lives, and their personalities have evolved drastically with the passing of time. It's almost a brutal return to reality.

For me though, it added layers of characterization to the point where now it's clear to me that this version of the Inseparables is by far the one I prefer.

I hope it's ok if I take the opportunity to talk at length about what I like about TYA below the cut. TL;DR : I love that Twenty Years After is a more realistic look at the big four's personalities and how they evolved while still keeping them thematically coherent, and that TYA makes them confront the reckless and cruel shit they did in their youth.

Spoilers ahead obviously.

We've often talked about how T3M is at its core a story about the end of knighthood. It's a tongue-in-cheek approach at chivalrous initiation, set at edge of the modern world, inbetween the time of ballads about knights in armor and that of adventures about journeying gunmen and soldiers. I think TYA embodies that particularly ; the story of people who have carried the last of these intense, dangerous chivalric ideals in their youths, and who have now grown into middle aged adults who need to find their place in the world.

For a good chunk of the book, the big four are separated into two teams ; that in of itself might discourage some, but imo it's genius. Instead of the natural two-by-pairings, Dumas goes for a d'Artagnan+ Porthos and Athos + Aramis split on opposite sides, which makes for good drama and develops lesser explored dynamics. D'Artagnan and Porthos form a scrappy team of opportunists with money on their minds, and Athos and Aramis a more idealistic duo fighting for a noble lost cause. I think it's a bold choice but also premium sequel writing.

I also love the way the young and wild characters we knew evolve into middle aged men ; at their core, they're still the same, but they've all changed and struggled against the sunset of the golden age in their own ways.

D'Artagnan, after knowing such adventures and subsequent rapid social ascension in his teenage years, has been met in his adult life with the harsh reality that he is, in fact, not a noble knight but a soldier on payroll. His modest origins give him little hope for any further career advancement, and he takes on a new mission in his early 40s for a man he has no devotion for and a cause he doesn't care about, simply because he is bored and broke. D'Artagnan still has his quick wits, his strategic talent, his fencing skills, but he has grown out of the excesses of pride of his teenage years. I loved meeting him again in TYA, and it made so much sense to me that his bouts of anger and aggressivity would be a youthful trait that he'd ended up taming. He also realizes now a lot of what seemed like funny adventures and necessary violence was actually kind of fucked up ; that was a shock to me, as their shenanigans are treated so lightly in T3M, and tbh it healed me a little. Grown up d'Artagnan is cunning, calculating, down to earth and realistic. My foxy little man. I love him.

Porthos, likewise, has been struck by the weight of reality. He has made the sensible choice and got married to the rich widow who sugar mommied him in the first book. Now she's passed, he is rich, but he still fails to earn the respect of the high society he evolves in because he's not high born enough. Like d'Artagnan, he's stagnating and bored and now that he goes back adventuring it has nothing to do with the queen or the kingdom or honour ; it's about getting his damn nobility title.

Athos, on the other hand, is the eternal knight : the only truly high born of the four, and still hopelessly holding on to a time gone by. It's no surprise imo that his storyline brings him into the english civil war, doomed to fail at saving a king who'll end up executed right in front of him. TYA acknowledges more clearly than ever that at 28 yo, Athos was a depressed alcoholic, and an embodiment of what an excess of aristocratic righteousness can do. In TYA, he is sober and moisturized and a DILF, and now he's running around frantically looking for absolution for his numerous crimes. It's delicious.

Aramis is maybe the hardest pill to swallow. TYA confirms the T3M hints that he isn't really the prim and proper romantic boy he acts like he is, and that he's possibly the most hypocritical and ruthless of the four. It might be a harsh one for Aramis fans who like him better as a cute bean, but I love the early onset of remorseless conniving bloodthirsty ambitious Aramis. Another harsh bit might be the evolution of Aramis and d'Artagnan not really liking each other ; they were always the least close combination, and imo it makes sense that their personalities would clash. I think it's clever and compelling conflict.

Now, obviously, if you've cared enough to read all this and if you know me a little, you know that a huge highlight of the book for me was its late-appearing antagonist, Mordaunt. Mordaunt is the son Milady had with her english husband. Because of the Musketeers' intervention, he's grown up in poverty and has been denied his father's inheritance. He's now a Roundhead working for Cromwell, and set on avenging his mother at all costs. Mordaunt, unlike his mother who was this beautiful and dangerous force of nature, is very uncool and pathetic. She was the primordial snake, he's the gutter rat. Obviously, I love that in and of itself, but it's also kind of striking image of the wretchedness of what they've done to her, a fucked up little goblin ghost come back to haunt them as they're trying to make their life worth living again. This time, their enemy is not a cunning political rival with a flamboyance of body and mind akin to their own ; it's a shitty little guy with bad skin who wants to kill the king and punish the murderers. Watch out babes, it's the modern world coming for you.

Of course, they're the Four Musketeers, and they did what they had to do, so they get together again and swear friendship and keep going their way. But they're also old guys with difficult personalities in a world that's never going to be the same. I think it's a cool book.

[trans-axolotl]

ID: [A 1997 flyer made by Riki Anne Wilchins that reads: Jocelyn Elders supports Intersex Genital Mutilation (IGM). Hermaphrodite; someone whose genitals are not clearly male or female. US Hospitals genitally cut 8 intersexed kids every day just so their genitals will look "normal." Most will lose genital sensation. Many are cut so they won't "become lesbians." Jocelyn Elders supports this practice! Did you know: The vast majority of children diagnosed as intersexed by American doctors and genitally cut are otherwise unremarkable infants who simply have clitorises more than 3/8” long. Many are genitally cut in the mistaken belief that otherwise they may grow up to be masculinized, lesbian women or have difficulty functioning as “normal, heterosexual adults” later in life. Did you know: According to noted Brown University medical researcher Dr. Anne Fausto­ Sterling, 2,000 intersex infants are genitally cut for cosmetic reasons in US hospitals annually: that’s 8 infants from 3 weeks to 3 years old cut every working day. Yet the American Academy of Pediatricians’ own statement on IGM says these infants are genitally cut to minimize “emotional, cognitive, and body image” problems and not for any medical reason. Did you know: Jocelyn Elders on intersexed infants and “correcting” queer genitals: "…just take out everything and make a good vaginal pouch and the child can function very well as a female." "I always told my students, 'I can make a good female, but it's very hard to make a male.'" Ever hear of informed consent? Dr. Elders refuses to even meet with the intersexed community or IGM survivors. Intersex kids need counseling, not cutting! Hey Dr. Elders: Get Your Scalpels Off our Bodies! We're not quiet. We're not well behaved. And we're not going away. Hermaphrodites with attitude.]

Although it can be very upsetting to see the way that interphobia and medical abuse existed in incredibly similar ways 30 years ago, this protest flyer and associated newsletter showcase the incredible history of intersex and trans solidarity between Transexual Menace and Hermaphrodites with attitude. This newsletter includes multiple updates on trans and intersex news, including protests, discrimination, and media representation.

"Herm-Protest Jocelyn Elders at Lesbian Event.

Washington, DC: 20 Sep 97. The activist groups Hermaphrodites with Attitude (HWA) and Transexual Menace today protested Dr. Jocelyn Elders' keynote address to a Mautner Lesbians With Cancer Project fundraiser, held in the Washington Hilton. Dr. Elders, a former US Surgeon General, is an outspoken advocate of Intersex Genital Mutilation (IGM), a cosmetic surgery performed on the genitals of intersexed infants so they will look like "normal" males and females.

Eight demonstrators carried banners saying "Dr. Elders: Keep Your Scalpels OFF Our Bodies" and "Intersex Kids Need Counseling NOT Cutting", and distributed IGM leaflets to attendees as they arrived for the $100-a-plate dinner. Several attendees expressed shock and dismay upon learning of Dr. Elders' position, noting that she is generally considered a supporter of lesbian and feminist causes, and enlightened on most matters of adolescent sexuality. However, the flier noted that on "correcting" queer genitals, Dr. Elders has written: "…just take out everything and make a good vaginal pouch and the child can function very well as a female," and "I always told my students, I can make a good female, but it's very hard to make a male."

"We're not protesting the Mautner Project," explained HWA founder, Cheryl Chase, "we're calling attention to Dr. Elders' support of IGM and her continued refusal to meet with us on an issue that affects our lives. One reason IGM is performed is the fear that girls born with clitorises considered ‘too large’ will grow up to be masculine or lesbian. We want to bring awareness to the Lesbian and Gay community that IGM is a queer issue."

Although intersexuality was once considered rare, according to noted Brown University medical researcher Dr. Anne Fausto-Sterling, about 8 intersex children are genitally cut in US hospitals every working day for cosmetic reasons. Stated Chase, "We will continue to seek a meeting with Dr. Elders, and anticipate that once she takes IGM seriously, she will support out position."

Following the demonstration, HWA and the Menace donated a $100 to the Mautner Project in the name of intersexed infants."

-In Your Face No. 5, Spring 1998.

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #26 – The Late Americans by Brandon Taylor

This was my monthly dose of high literature, chosen because I subscribed to the author’s substack for a while and generally liked it. After somehow accidentally grabbing historic fantasy and dystopian sci fi, this time it did was actual proper adult contemporary litfic, even! So y’know, horizons successfully expanded.

The book is honestly a caricature of what an outsider would guess contemporary litfic to be. Meandering and plot light, eight different POVs whose chapters’ are largely character studies of their own interiorities and relationships, deeply preoccupied with the process and structures that produce Fine Art, about a bunch of miserable queer grad students in Iowa City. It did at least refrain from having a character actually be an author attending the Iowa Writers Workshop so like, not totally free of restraint here, but it’s still nearly overpowering.

Saying ‘plot light’ is still almost overstating it, really. Each chapter is a vignette from the perspective of a different character, with varying levels of personal connection to the other protagonists. Some individual characters have little arcs, but none exactly undergo a profound transformation – the book is largely just a study of them, their relationships, their damage and their neuroses as they drift through a year of their lives.

The characters themselves are all resolutely unexceptional. No prodigies, no savants, no stars in the making – they are all talented and dedicated, but in ordinary and unremarkable ways for their milieu. It’s precisely that ordinariness that Taylor seems most interested in – how people conceive of their relationship to art when they’ve devoted everything to a craft that only barely seems to love them back.

The relationships between the characters is the other real driver of the book. They’re all..kind of dicks? In the thoughtless, inarticulate, emotionally-illiterate-lashing-out way of incredibly stressed people in their mid-20s (though exaggerated a bit for effect. Or at least, I hope so). Everyone is broken and jagged, and rubs up against everyone else only with violence and force – resentful friendships, unhappy romances, comfortable enmities. No one ever makes a clean break with anyone – no one shows much sign of being able to even if they wanted – and what character growth there is is a matter of compromise and accommodation, making peace with the people you love around you whatever their shortcomings.

The characters are all very well-drawn, their neuroses and struggles believable and mostly compelling. There’s probably one or two too many of them – at a certain point I did start having trouble with whose tragic childhood (they of course all have tragic childhoods) or insufferable emotionally unavailable boyfriend was whose – but in the final analysis they all mostly worked for me. That said, the two female POVs seem almost..tangential? Less connected to everyone else, less richly examined, less grounded and dirty and vicious. Which is a bit unfortunate, both in terms of the novel’s overall strength and because almost literally the only other women with lines in it are a bunch of deeply unkind caricatures of poetry/literature-as-activism types in one of the character's seminars.

Speaking of relationships – if you don’t know what the stereotypical litfic sex scene looks like, this book overflows with examples to learn from. Partially just trying to be true to life about a cast of horny gay guys in their mid-20s – if you draw a chart of who fucked who I’m pretty sure it connects every man in the main cast – but the book also just tries to get a lot of characterization and symbolism across through sex scenes, and ends up devoting more word count and flowery prose to them than anything I’ve ever seen besides outright erotica. All the sex scenes do have a fascinatingly vast variety of valences and tones, though – some are passionate and romantic, some flagrantly exploitative or transactional, some are just something to do on a boring break in the middle of nowhere. The sex can get a bit monotonous, but at least it’s never one-note.

Taylor’s very interested in the culture of like, capitalized prestigious Fine Art, its production, and the relation of the university to both. The book, broadly, seems to take the point of view that the whole edifice is one great machine for chewing up and spitting out hopes and dreams. It’s a recurring theme that even among these people who have dedicated their entire lives to poetry or dance of the piano are unable to spend it making the kind of art they want. And that’s not even getting into how all the people you’re supposed to be making art with are the most insufferable pieces of shit to ever see the sun.

And on the note of insufferable pieces of shit – there’s also just a very strong recurring theme of class. Getting a MFA is largely the province of people who don’t really have to care about a near-future paycheck, and the cast is divided between those who fit the description and feel varying amounts of repressed guilt and awkwardness about it, and those that have to work some job to pay the bills and display a remarkable amount of restraint in not decking at least one classmate a day. The irony of art imagined as activism or world-changing being near-exclusively the result of elite educations and trust funds is bitter and plentiful, especially among the poets.

It’s, I think, a very sort of subtle humour that across the first half or so of the book the really poetic prose and most evocative imagery is used near-exclusively to describe the vulgar, low-class survival work that the less fortunate half of the protagonists do to support themselves – meal prep in a hospice kitchen, preparing cuts of beef in a slaughterhouse, recording porn of oneself to post online – while the actually art they create isn’t much described at all. This doesn’t last, but it’s a very funny joke while it does.

The book is, on a sentence-to-sentence and page-to-page level, really quite beautiful. Unfortunately, it ends up feeling like less than the sum of its parts. There’s a bit of a running narrative connecting half or so of the protagonists, who really are major parts of each others lives and enrich each others narratives with an outside view – and then the rest only appear outside their own chapters as cameos, if that. Exactly one characters gets two chapters from his POV – the first, and about halfway through the book – and he’s one of the people who barely touches the rest of the cast, so it’s not like he’s actually the protagonist or propelling the narrative. You end up with a novella and a bunch of short stories that, put together, are both constantly hitting the same beats but also lacking any real through-line tying them all together and pushing things forward. Which really isn’t helped by the fact that the ending reads like someone gave Taylor a maximum wordcount 5 pages before he hit it and he just did the best he could.

[lej222]

MHA's River Scene Symbolism - How to Build a Narrative Around a Simple Scene

As the My Hero Academia manga approaches its long-awaited final chapters, I thought it would be good to talk about one of the most important, but also most generally misunderstood moment of the series - Bakugou falling into the river as a kid and Deku trying to help him.

Let me start off by saying that Kohei Horikoshi is great at visual storytelling. In order to understand why he can write redemption stories so well, one has to look at the literal meaning and symbolism behind his panels. Bakugou and Deku's childhood memory, while being the start of their broken relationship, also serves as the first core symbol in the manga that later takes on many different forms. Hands- as Horikoshi says - are very expressive and tell a lot about a person. Shigaraki, for example, has hands all around his body which are tragic reminders of his origin. But what about the panel that started it all?

Bakugou and Deku are intertwined narratively

First of all, we have to talk about just why Bakugou reacted the way he did. Horikoshi's message in the story seems to be that if there's something wrong on the level of society, personal relationships can reflect that same state. The hero society favors those who have powerful and flashy quirks, making them heroes who fight those who were born different than the norm and went down on the wrong path a.k.a. the villains.

Even before getting his quirk, Bakugou could feel that he was different than Deku. He was naturally gifted in many areas, lived a comfortable life, and was praised for the smallest of things by the adults and children around him. If we add his natural brazen personality that he inherited from his mother, Bakugou was a kid both gifted and appreciated by the society. On the other hand, little Deku who lived in the same neighborhood was quirkless, plain, not outstandingly talented at anything and naturally shy and introverted. For Bakugou, who gained the ego of the size of the Moon, it made perfect sense that Deku ended up being quirkless - after all, Deku was unremarkable even before that from the perspective of the collective whole, and him being quirkless only reinforced the idea that Deku was below him. He wasn't outright hostile towards him, but he made clear Deku was someone who should always walk behind him because Bakugou is superior than him.

Until little Katsuki fell into the river. It was a simple moment, but changed their relationship forever. Because little Izuku who was supposed to be a loser ended up the only one who tried to help him. Because Deku showcased that he had the heart and selfless nature of a real hero, something Bakugou didn't have. But Bakugou was supposed to be the remarkable one, so was Deku mocking him by trying to help him? Was he saying that Bakugou needed help because Deku was better? Because this was what Bakugou started to think and became the source of his inferiority complex - he had to prove to himself that he was better by belittling Deku. Not a nice thing to do by any means, but a natural response from a kid whose whole world was shattered in that single moment.

The funny thing is, Deku and Bakugou's reactions stem from the two sides of the same feeling - when you realize someone has something that you don't. Izuku admires Bakugou because he's talented, brave and strong, something which Deku aspires to be (that's why he calls him his "Image of Victory"). Bakugou is afraid of Deku because he's naturally selfless and kind, so he wants to push him away in order to feel better about himself. Bakugou doesn't hate Deku, he hates what his presence in his life represents - that he's not the center of the universe and has to learn as a hero.

Bakugou and Deku both learn from each other in the story in order to become the best versions of themselves. Deku imitates Bakugou when he wants to be brave and improve his moves, while Bakugou's redemption journey is centered around his regrets about Deku. Interestingly they are also both each other's first "save" when their bodies moved without thinking.

Reaching out a hand

The river scene is the core of one of the most important themes of the series - helping those who might not need it and accepting the help that is given to you. Bakugou regrets not taking Deku's hand and not seeing his kindness, the same hand that is able to reach many others and inspire them, like Uraraka, Iida, Todoroki, Kota or even Shigaraki. Deku doesn't believe that Bakugou would ever want to receive help from him. Horikoshi visually paires this idea with the transfer of OFA - we see the users reaching out a hand to pass on the power.

The first OFA user is saved by the second who offered his hand to him. Funnily enough they resemble Deku and Bakugou, even AFO notes it. Whether it's the reincarnation of their will, or just visual parallels, the first OFA transfer happened because a person reached out to another. The manga's message is that one's soul can be saved if they are willing to accept the help others offer and are willing to change themselves for the better. Endeavor and Bakugou both died symbolically to reborn as better people. Shoto was able to reach Touya in order to save his soul. it doesn't mean the villains will be model citizens after these acts, but it's more about the spiritual cleansing of their souls, even if they die.

Deku offered his hand to Bakugou who refused to take it and went down on the path of bad. Years later, Bakugou understands that even if they are the ones who know each other the best, both of them misunderstood the other and regrets not accepting Deku's kindness. He apologizes surrounded by rain. a great call-back to how he was drenched in water and Deku willingly did the same to help him - now Bakugou lets the water cleanse his soul while he shows his most vulnerable side to the person he was afraid of and hurt the most. It really shows how Horikoshi was able to build a great narrative centered around one simple, seemingly unimportant moment that happened between two kids. It has become a great scene that highlights the problems of the hero society, how characters become heroes by offering help to those who need it, and how one can change by atoning for their sins (like what we see with Endeavor as well).

And most importantly, the river scene tells us how one doesn't need a quirk to be a hero if they have a selfless heart, and how Deku has always been and always will be a hero even if he loses OFA.

[skinnypaleangryperson]

This house is full of nothing but consumer cobwebs, and a failed attempts of being able to be seen as a creative and as an individual both on a personal level as well as professionally throughout my life. I can literally feel the spiritual and physical dust and grime going through the books and the celebrities I've crushed on, the creative people that I've admired and have read about ever since high school and now, as a washed-up meaningless nameless 27-year-old that is nothing but internet trash, I've never been more aware about where my journey was going and it feels like my head is imploding constantly wanting to rant and to see that failure in everything, everyone, and in everything set around me. It blows my mind that people just accept the fact that their dreams never come true and that they just live that way. That they don't even some just try to be able to spew out every minute of every day how unhappy they are and how detrimentally spiritually devastating it is. When I was a kid, being a nobody and not being creatively successful was not yet a mark of anything of a lack of character or of anything I had to offer, it was just simply something that I hadn't figured out yet. Now I can't enjoy anything anymore, I see my failure and everything at best, and at worst, I see a lifeline of profound spiritual and physical suffering that is surrounding me from an already terrible unremarkable and a loveless childhood enough as it was where I was told that I could push through it because once I got older, it would "get better", only to realize that those were all just cope adults that couldn't stand the idea that some people are born miserable and unnamed and unseen, and only become increasingly worse until the point of death as they get older.

I'm now just another no name, miserable on Reddit and miserable at work in real life with people who are in the same circumstance who are probably told the same lies for all the same fake and reasons growing up. Some people can handle it more than others but I can't even enjoy anything anymore. I realized today while everybody else was casually enjoying the Oscars in the celebrities in the rich people that are celebrating and knowing each other, that I seem to be one at the very few that is in a genuine state of peer despair over the way that my life is gone and the way that it will continue to go, at best, exactly the same within it's a loveless impossibly robotic mundanity and even abuse on the internet, and worse, to end up dying or alone on the side of the street while everybody else celebrates how special they are, the people that get to run this country, the people that really wanted, the rich people in the celebrities, the ones who own people souls.

This is only a small section of the torment that's in my head everyday, and I'm just waiting for the day when it renders me to a sense of complete dysfunctionality. There's cobwebs in my throat to those cobwebs on the things I used to be able to enjoy before I realized my own true unremarkable dry, profoundly pathetic nothingness in reality, and the way that it's always been on them and the fact that I just didn't have the unfortunate temperature reality to be able to see about what that actually meant, and the delusions that I held and kept close to me that I still do but now just do on a fictional level because I can't stand the burning pain of being a part of reality even on a pair of social relationship way knowing what that means for me if I were to allow myself to.

Nothing helps and nothing will ever change it. And the worst part, is that 98% of the time in this world I feel like I'm experiencing it entirely on my own.

[comrademojave]

NARUTO UZUMAKI MADE ME TRANSGENDER: I SAW THE TV GLOW

Do you remember the first time someone called you a faggot? The first time I remember it was at school - muttered and spit in my face like acid, too young for me to understand. I understood the feeling behind it of course, there was something in me that other people didn’t like. I walked wrong, I talked wrong, I acted wrong. Even my family could see it on me, but they tried to not speak it. It wasn’t something adults talked about, and it certainly wasn’t something I wanted to talk about. And so I didn’t for two decades. I lived life inside myself and for myself, both ignoring myself and obsessed with myself. I retreated from life and found fandom right here on this very website.

I SAW THE TV GLOW is neon and scanlined. It is a film that loves fandom. Owen and Maddie are teenagers who live in eternal suburbia and their lives and home are so unimportant, so of a thing, that no details are ever offered to the audience. The film focuses on Owen, a sad and scrawny thing of a boy completely unremarkable in every way. He’s not particularly likeable or smart or lively. He’s scared and dumb. Early on he meets Maddie, an older girl dressed so dark and with such an annoying chip on her shoulder she could have been a rejected design for a Goth Kid from South Park before shuffling her ass down to Void High. She’s annoyed by him at first of course, everyone is. Owen immediately is struck by her and asks her about the television show he finds her reading an official episode guide for -  The Pink Opaque. Fandom given perfect, Buffy-tinged, VHS-blessed form. Owen and Maddie love this little show about two girls who barely know each other yet somehow share a supernatural and beautiful connection – tied via magic and psychic powers. Owen and Maddie sneak and lie in order to watch the show together. They never form a real friendship – and the time and things they share have to be done in the dark under the nose of the adults in their lives. In the Pink Opaque, Tara and Isobel have to claw a relationship in the dark psychic realm, Maddie and Owen do so in the in dark TV glow. Owen loves his mother and is scared of his stepfather. Maddie’s father drinks a lot, and she runs away in her junior year. Owen’s mother dies of lung cancer when he’s 16. Mine died when I was 19.

Owen loses himself in the Pink Opaque. Initially he watches the show alone off VHS copies Maddie makes and leaves for him in their school’s dark room but eventually, before she leaves, he watches it with her. She asks him to go with her and Owen agrees. He doesn’t go and his world is bleaker for it. Years pass and Owen works a gravedigging job where little by little, day by day, he kills himself. That’s right – he works for a local movie theater. Eventually, Maddie returns to their horrible little town, and this is where I knew Owen was transgender. Like me. Everyday he persists in pursuit of a life that isn’t his and an identity he’ll never have. Years go by, the world exists and grows and you’re still pouring a suburban family their popcorn. Maddie, she doesn’t go by that name anymore but Owen never gets to know this person who was once his only friend, returns and gives Owen a golden ticket out of Kansas and straight to Oz: they actually are Tara and Isobel! They were defeated at the end of the show and buried alive, and to retake their true selves they just have to bury these lives. Maddie has already previously helped Owen bury part of this farce he calls a life; years ago, during those fateful Pink Opaque viewing sessions, she gave him that very first drop of gender and put him in a dress and told him he was pretty. Owen never learned to give himself that and so he runs from Maddie again.

Like Owen, I spent much of my life hiding inside the television. Why live in the world that exists when I had bad anime and worse fanfiction? There, I could be and experience anything, all of it affirming and welcoming. I was hollow, but at least in some sense, I also felt like I was safe. Of course, that safety was bullshit. For faggots like us, I think it always is.

I SAW THE TV GLOW is monochrome and buzzed. It is a film that hates fandom. Owen persists. He has a family, he says he loves them, and works at a local Chuck E. Cheese-type fun center. Like the movie theater but longer. For Owen, dysphoria is like death but longer. One night, Owen narrates to us his sad little life and decides to rewatch the Pink Opaque as his new self and he fucking hates it. Its cheap, annoying and embarrassing. This thing that meant so much, that Owen used to convince himself closeted life was fine, losing Maddie was fine, as long as he had this thing – it was stupid. The Pink Opaque made Owen transgender and here he was 30 years later, transgender in a world that was decisively not. He has a breakdown at work and sees the television glow in himself.

Finally he asks: what if I really was someone else, very far away, on the other side of the television screen?

[vivalavi-daa]

Fav 2022 K-Dramas/Movies

1. My Liberation Notes

About: Three siblings, exhausted by the monotony of day to day adulthood, seek to find fulfillment and freedom from their unremarkable lives

Honestly, no one did it like My Liberation Notes. The way they captured the mundane lives of adults, the longing for happiness, freedom, and the loneliness of it all. The way they depicted all that through raw lines, monologues, and even silence that gave even deeper meanings. To say I love this show is an understatement 🥺

2. Extraordinary Attorney Woo

About: Woo Young Woo, a woman on the spectrum that tackles challenges as a newbie at a top law firm

This show is popular for a reason. It has everything you could ask for in a kdrama: feel good vibes, heartwarming stories, heart-fluttering love, found family, and interesting characters (with brilliant acting). Although we couldn't expect Woo Young Woo to be representative for all people with autism (since autism is considered as a spectrum), but I love the way her portrayal in this show was educative while also really fun to watch 🤍

3. Twenty Five Twenty One

About: In a time where dreams seem out of reach, a teen fencer pursues her ambitions and meets a hardworking young man who seeks to rebuilds his life.

Couldn't express how much it's comforting to watch the two main characters build connection in the pursuit of happiness. The fact that these two people share different perspectives in life (one was hopeful & optimistic, while the other one was realistic) was its charm. Not to mention the growing bond of the friendship between them and their friends. Together, they make every scene seemed refreshing and entertaining to watch. It was truly an uplifting youth show that brightened last year's atmosphere ✨

4. Alchemy of Souls

About: A powerful sorceress in a blind woman's body encounters a man from a prestigious family, who wants her help to change his destiny.

Love, love the world building of this one! Also, the gripping love stories that took "I'll love every version of you" seriously 🥺. It was captivating how observant every characters in this show were & the way they unfold the stories. Even the action scenes portrayed like an art. Therefore, even though it has many episodes with long duration, I wasn't bored at all.

5. Little Women

About: Three sisters become embroiled in a major incident and face off against the wealthiest family in the nation

The fact that two of my fave actresses (Nam jihyun & Kim goeun) casted in one kdrama was such a dream!! It's a women centric kdrama i could say, from the way the main characters, writer, & director are all women <3. I love that it has such morally grey characters and a story that's full of intriguing misteries. It kept me on the edge of my seat.

6. 20th Century Girl

About: A teen girl has her eyes set on a boy for her lovesick best friend. However, things become complicated when she falls in love and is forced to choose between love and friendship

A heartening youth stories that every fan of 2521 should watch! Again, the plot seemed cliche but it still managed to enthralled you with sweet & fun interactions between the main characters, their growing romance, and what comes for them in the future. It was a rollercoaster of emotion but I really enjoyed it to end <3

7. Business Proposal

About: Hari, a regular employee, shows up to a blind date in disguise of her rich friend to scare him away. Things go awry when he turns out to be her CEO and makes a proposal.

Normally, a kdrama with a cliche plot and some cringe lines wasn't my piece of cake. But Business Proposal is something else I guess. It managed to make even the cliche plot entertaining to watch, still. I didn't expect that I'd laugh this much while watching this show, but I did. Their actings were so fun to watch and it's such a light kdrama that i enjoyed to watch.

Addition: Fav K-Drama (Not Released in 2022) that I've Watched Last Year

Prison Playbook

About: a legendary Korean baseball player whose life change after he chases a man who harasses his sister and finds himself spending a year in prison.

This is such a gem for a slice of life genre! From the director of Hospital Playlist & Reply series, you could expect some heartwarming feels coming from every characters' background stories. Despite the serious & harsh life we could thought of from prison life, this kdrama have many comical scenes, a series of roommates bickering, & such a moving found family. I wish the director would make more of these 🥺🤍

K-Drama Recommendations: 8/?

[magnuficent76]

Ermmmm huiiii just a thought but what if you... Talked about Mary Caede moreee :) (hides the suspiciously bouquet of flowers looking bouquet of flowers behind my back)

TEEHEEEE HI MANTIS !!!!!! YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT !!!! I should talk about Mary. Here I go !!

- Maria is a funny woman. She's unremarkable by many people– just another person trying to get by in the crazy wastelands without getting shot at a million times, making a living by selling whatever produce doesn't die in the harsh climate– yet she's very valued by the people of her community. Maria has always been kind despite there being little place for that in a planet like Pandora, and it's because of that kindness that she slipped out of many life threatening situations before. Some people would argue that it's just a front she puts on so she has some chance of survival, but she'd say that it's more so just cause and effect: The nicer you are to people, the less likely they are to impale you and display your body gruesomely. Besides, most appreciate a break from the near constant mayhem.

- When she was a youngster, this was the exact same reason why she wanted to leave her clan and study medicine. Which she couldn't technically do, due to there being No Real Schools in Pandora and much less Actual Doctors, but when you're bleeding out and far away from the nearest safe-spot, there's no complaining to be done when someone comes patch you up. She was basically a field medic, except she didn't really know what she was doing and had to guess a lot of the time, but hey, it's not like *too* many people died ! She did give up eventually due to how depressing the entire thing was, but not before a certain someone happened to find her with a group of injured men who needed taking care of. And wouldn't you know, that someone was Lucifer Lucio Caede and his devils. That oughta end pretty good for them !

- Maria's clan, The Farmhouse, disbanded a few years after she left. It just wasn't the same without her around, and even though they still loved the brutality... there was nothing to offset it, no one to dispute it, nobody to lead or to at least give *some* direction of what to do when the oven sets itself on fire after you try to bake something. It was a real mess, not the fun kind, but they were all fine afterwards I'm sure, minimal casualties. She played a major role but her time of leading bandits and organizing big crimes against the intergalactic rules were over. Better things to do, don't you know !

- Can't actually shoot for the life of her, which would usually mean a death sentence, but really means that she has experience finding Other Ways to kill people should the necessity to do so rise. Most of her repertoire with weapons includes blunt force, like hitting someone with a big bat until they stop moving, or outside forces, like running someone over with a car until they stop moving. It's only ever in self defense though, because Maria ABHORRES blood. It used to make her nauseous as a teen and even as an adult it's still enough to make her head spin. Living in the Death Murder planet, you'd think it'd give *some* immunity or at least indifference to it, but nope. Well, should some bodies be made, they'll be great for fertilizer anyway, so it's not a huge deal. Hopefully.

And here's a doodle just for youuuuu <333

[aelinschild]

Paradigm; side by side

˙✧˖ March 6th: Hope

Main Masterlist | Paradigm; side by side Masterlist |

AN: My biggest apologies for how late this is coming out today! My life is at the busiest it will probably be this year, so its been a bit of a struggle to balance life with writing, but I am doing my best to get this out <3

SYNOPSIS: Dont let me close. WORDCOUNT: 923 WARNINGS: Cursing, two really sexually frustrated adults, faint depiction of scars/wounds

Huge thank you to @throneofglassmicrofics for organizing! Make sure to check out other works over on their account!

“I didn't take you for a night owl,” 

Benign silence was scratched to a halt. Reeling in the afterglow of rumination, Aelin's hands stuttered over the mug. It had rolled once, twice, before settling with an unmistakable click onto butcher board countertops. No shock if they were layered with blood. 

Moments passed when she took to settle the nerves that had fired excitement and fear so quickly it left her dizzy. Pin prickling hair at the base of her neck. A gut feeling of ill intent. She had spent so much time absorbing his presence that she had forgotten he was there. The muffled huff was an indication. 

“No.”

She still didn't turn to face him, body set firmly against time worn countertops. If her hearing served her well, the light brush of air was the noise of footsteps muted from isolation. 

“‘No’, as in you are not a night owl? Or…?” He let it hang in contemplation. 

“Would you like some tea?” End. Door slammed firmly shut. 

Her arm stretched for another mug, set on the second shelf inside the cupboard. High enough that she had no doubt a man lived here. High enough, she would have to take up reorganizing eventually. If she stays, that is. 

The mug she had her eyes set for was quickly encased in another's grasp. Tattooed hand, larger than her face. She could imagine. 

“No need,” why did he grab a mug? “I prefer the salt water.”

“What?” 

He chuckled, a low throaty sound that worked wonders for the fatigued parts of her mind. A rumbling caress, wrapped up in musculature and warmed through lifeblood. There would be a delicacy inside a body like that. Closeness was its only equivalence. 

“Tired there, miss?” He hummed. She could feel the smirk on her. And she wanted to play back, lest she be left behind in whatever game they played. 

“No. I find I need some sort of stimulation before I sleep.” Hand drifting over the kettle, pouring in boiled water with the ease of someone who has not toed a possibly inevitable line. She pressed into the metal of the handle to better hide the tension wracked shakes. This is fun.

He made a noise. Something unidentifiable. Unremarkable. Aelin just spun to face him, taking a demure sip of boiling chamomile tea. Laced with honey. 

Two stood across from one another. Him, leaning against the island of the kitchen. Her, against the counters he owned. She felt rooted in place under his gaze. A green so deep it shines in hues of emerald and verdance. Vitriol of thoughts swirling under blown out irises. Inky depths with raw edges. The tattoos she would memorize. Run fingers over marred flesh, teeth and tongue. Tracing delicate lines that were as much a window to inside him as the house they stood in. All faded youth and roughened pride. Stood like a ruler of the space; every molecule in the fibre of the room bending its knee. Aelin wondered where the arrogance was casted aside to make room for whatever new humility played its part; welcoming a stranger into his home. 

“I see,” purring and condescending and interested. “Well, can I make you an offer?”

Like the light fell, or the shadows danced, his eyes changed. Curtains of achromatic waves dressed down. Chasing behind whatever has left. Softening edges in a way that had Aelin's gut twisting on familiarity. She had to look away. 

“Try me,” it came out breathless. Her sight restricted to tracing the rim of the clay mug. 

“The stars- I mean, it's supposed to be very clear tonight. Makes the stars easier to see.”

“Mhm.” 

A deep breath, “I was planning on watching. Just… along the shore.” There was something he left unsaid. She didn't offer up the answer that floated just outside her grasp. “Would you want to  join me?” 

She squeezed her eyes shut. Game over. 

Ghosting along the precipice of torment was a drop so far and incalculable. It was a misstep, every little moment. His body was all that she remembered feeling, this tethering life force of an invisible chain. Locked and silenced. The way the air moved had metamorphized the moment. Incongruent and irreparable. It would be an err of great reckoning to give in to the smouldering timidity oscillating inside forest green eyes. 

“I’ll leave you to the stars tonight.” Choked out, similar to the burn of saltwater as it rushed through viscera. “Have a good night, Rowan.” Whisper soft rejection. 

-

In the recesses of his mind, he knew he should be grateful she said no. Temptation made into curves and valleys; there was no resistance. Had she been here, had she said yes, he may have lost whatever speckles of humanity he held onto.  

And he couldnt forget what she looked like while sopping wet, layers peeled away and stripped down to the basal fragility of humanity. 

But the stars shined like molten gold, dripping from the night sky and bleeding into a slowly recovering heart. Pumping some sort of intentionality inside arteries. Debatable origins, questionable destinations. But it moved, and it burned inside of him. 

Rowan’s eyes sought out the constellation he had all but cut into his own flesh. He would like that, the stain of blood and the residue of scars. Some permanent declaration of this sudden inconsistency in his head. That – the inconsistency – had left him bare handed, no journal or charts in sight. Fuck, not even a scope of any degree. 

Just him and Cygnus. 

Taglist: @mariaofdoranelle , @leiawritesstories , @renxzs

Let me know if youd like to be added to the taglist!

[jessaerys]

Opinions on DirkRose?

so when i was 16-18 in high school i was briefly in this very tightknit three person online friend group with me + this extremely popular homestuck artist at the time + their best friend that i quickly developed a crush on. and this online friend roleplayed dirk at the same time i was roleplaying rose (a rose from the same timeline as whom is probably the most famous dave strider roleplayer in the history of homestuck rp. but that nuclear fallout is a story for another day) in the wild wild west that was the 2012 homestuck rp landscape on tumblr (aka the multiple timelines theory)(at some point my rose was involved with, like, a marius pontmercy. yes from les mis. and also a genderbent rose in an ambiguous almost selfcest situationship.)

anyway so i asked her if she wanted to ship our rp characters which was very "baby's first time asking for what they want" of me, and she said yes, and dirk and rose wrote each other a couple of inter-dimensional letters that were quite beautiful and poignant at least in my memory. the vibe was "very traumatized young adults find an equally jaded and verbose kindred spirit and they tentatively show each other the vulnerable side that they can't show anyone else through the safe distance of penpalship" so of course the rp brain chemicals were INTENSE (by the way the three of us were in a slightly larger skype group chat with a couple of other tumblr friends, whom ocassionally would make "you and alex should date lol!" jokes. my fragile teenage psyche was convinced it was going to happen)

but anyway the writing was super slow and i knew that this friend was much more into dirkjake (and VERY hung up on our other friend/her best friend) but whenever i could hold her attention she seemed to be interested in our writing

her dirk had a poetry sideblog (i want to say cringe in retrospect but honestly. at the time i thought it was some elevated literary use of the medium. and it probably was) and i would check it CONSTANTLY trying to decipher if anything new dirk posted was about my rose, but the posts were too vague for solid conclusions

anyway long story short for what was probably somewhere between months and a year (can't recall) i lived in that rp brain chemical addiction thrill-of-the-chase hell state surviving on kernels of character interactions and fantasies about dirk and rose, like i'm talking emotional-support OTP levels of emotional investment. the daily emotional rollercoaster was insane. it would make or break my day depending on what vague poetry dirk strider posted

until ONE DAY.... I FOUND OUT.... she had been rping dirkjake with our OTHER friend/her best friend for a while AND JUST DIDN'T TELL ME. BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET ME. I WAS HEARTBROKEN (these weren't multishipping type blogs. you had one character timeline and by god you stuck to it)

i legitimately do not recall what i did re: the dirk ordeal, but i do remember that at some point (the timeline in relation to the rp drama is long lost to the sands of time) i confessed and she rejected me and i felt soooo led on which was probably a product of this friend being so conflict averse. i was in a crying or close-to-tears state for about a day and a half which i recall very vividly because at the time it was by FAR the biggest social heartbreak of my life. a solid 36 hours of "i'm going to feel like this FOREVER and my heart will never HEAL" teenage angst. i remember it so viscerally lol. especially because my parents straight up didn't notice. but that's an entirely different can of baggage

anyway eventually i met my then-girlfriend and the three person friend group drifted apart. much later i found out they had felt soooo betrayed but what was i supposed to do. third wheel them as the least important person in the group forever??? i think at some point the three of us hung out together for an afternoon when we happened to be in the same city but it must have been completely unremarkable because i don't remember any of it.

anyway what was the question again. yeah dirkrose is fine

[iohourtime]

Bad Lands

Ando Sakura x Yamada Ryosuke

Nihon Eiga 107

Hashioka Neri, aka Neri (橋岡煉梨, ネリ) - Ando Sakura

Yashiro Jo, aka Joe (矢代穣, ジョー) - Yamada Ryosuke

A brief summary of the plot is that Neri and Joe lived in the lowest rung of society. They worked for Takajo* in a phone fraud ring. Takajo was the keeper of the potential marks and Neri was the leader of the ukeko (receivers) - the people who collect money from the victims but did not do the actual scamming. Joe just got out of prison and was introduced to work for Takajo by Neri. They came across a large sum of money and somehow got embroiled in an underworld war.

*I can’t find the pronunciation guide, so I think that’s how you say his name.]

(I don't have the actual magazine so I'm using movie stills they've released so far. Please let me know if you notice any errors.)

Sakura Ando, who played Neri in "Bad Lands", said, "I want Neri to be a main character who doesn’t leave much of an impression." It is rare for a heroine to have such an image in Japanese movies; giving off a dry coolness, Neri is at the center of the story where she is surrounded by those who want to trap her and those who will do anything to protect her, and these extreme feelings intermingle in a truly thrilling way. All of the characters with their own strong personalities left an impression on me, and the ensemble of the characters as a whole is wonderful because it is centered around a heroine who is a realist that is not a larger-than-life character that is usually found in [fiction].. With the help of the atmospheric setting of Osaka, the world of "lawless land" emerges, as the title "Bad Lands" suggests.

Speaking of "Bad Lands", the American film "Badlands" (1973) directed by Terrence Malick, which depicts a man and a woman's escape must have been on the director’s mind as well. Kansai's strong noir feel goes beyond typical Japanese cinema and reminds us of the emotionally restrained, adult oriented Western films. How did this worldview come about? We spoke with Sakura Ando and Ryosuke Yamada, who played siblings [in the movie].

-- First of all, I thought Neri's casual demeanor was great. Such heroines are rare in Japanese movies.

Ando: When I first read the script, I didn’t have an image of Neri as a strong protagonist, but someone who wasn’t memorable yet still left a whiff of her existence behind. Because she appeared among many impactful characters, it would be nice if I could play an unremarkable main character. When I first talked to the director, I told him my thoughts and he accepted it. After that, when I read the script, I really wanted to cherish the nuances of Neri’s words and her kindness that can be felt in little things.

-- Yamada-san re-teamed with Harada-san after “Moeyo Ken” (Baragaki: Unbroken Samurai). Joe seems like a grown-up version of Okita Souji in “Moeyo Ken”.

Yamada: I read how Director Harada [described the character] in an article after the film was finished [and thought], so that’s what it was (laughs). I decided before that if Harada-san called, I would be there. I think his set is something that can't be experienced these days. Although gradually, I’ve stopped being scolded, when I saw the director snappily say things that needed to be said to various people, leading to an intense set, I also felt tense.

*Apparently Director Harada has a reputation of being very stern and scary, but it sounds like it is not irrational yelling and more like someone who runs a tight ship?

Ando: It was my first time being part of the Harada team, and I heard that it was really scary, but when shooting started, I was shocked by how fun the Harada team was. It was very cheerful and light. It was flexible. When I read the script, I thought I had a script that was carefully crafted by the director.

Yamada: I think the reason the set was so cheerful this time was because of Ando-san. I think the trust the director had in Ando-san was amazing. I had never seen Director Harada directing with such a big smile (laughs).

Ando: When I said, "I'm scared to drive this Benz," he said, "Well, then Joe will drive." He would say on the spot things like, "Well, let's repeat this line" or "What you just did was interesting, let’s go with that".

Yamada: That's right. I think he's a director who really values the rawness of what happens on set. Harada-san himself is also enjoying what is born out of the set..

Ando: That's why when I was first approached by various departments, saying, "There are action scenes, this kind of scene, that kind of scene, and it is this kind of movie, what do you think?" But I told them, wait a minute, if you solidify all the details from the start like that, it could only become a movie you've seen before, and I also want to play Neri’s rawness more dynamically.. . For example, I felt that it was wrong for Neri to have sharp moves that are common in action movies. So when I got to the set, the director said, "It's okay, Neri doesn't need to do that kind of thing" (laughs).

Yamada: (laughs).

Ando: "Don't fight skillfully, just stay scared" (laughs). That's how he drew out the charm of the character that was born at that time. So it was a lot of fun. I felt the joy of acting with my whole body..

-- So you made use of rawness that was born on set. That's how the worldview of the movie was created.

Ando: That’s right. Another thing I remember well is that it snowed a lot during filming.

Yamada: It was during our shoot in Hikone in Shiga Prefecture. It was really amazing. When the director, Ando-san, and I left the hotel, I said "Wow!" without thinking. It was the heaviest snowfall in Hikone's history [since they started collecting the data]..

Ando: It was a heavy snowstorm with around 10 centimeters of accumulation, so it would be a shame not to make use of it in the movie. I said it would be nice to have a scene of Neri in the snow and the director said, "That's a good idea. Let's shoot!" This is it. (Showing a photo of the snow).

Yamada: Oh~.

Ando: Yama-chan, you couldn't go to the set, right?

Yamada: Yes. Our car couldn’t get there because of the heavy snow. I thought, “They are probably going to shoot in this snow! Wow!”

Ando: That's right, there was a cut with Neri in the snow.

Yamada: If it wasn't for Ando-san's words, the scene wouldn't have happened.

Ando: After we finished filming what was planned for that day, he said, "Okay, let's shoot this." The director and editor (Harada) Eugene-san assembled the scenes that were born out of this on the spot. Since my family also makes movies this way, I felt a sense of security. That’s how the Harada family feels like, and that’s how they do things. I think it's precisely because we have such a relationship of trust that he can say, "Let's go shoot this!" It was a good scene and I think that’s why this set is uniquely attractive.

Yamada: I think the fact that the director can say that right away is a testament to his trust in Ando-san. Also, as you mentioned earlier, the worldview that was born in the movie looked very natural, it was probably the worldview that the director was trying to create, for example, we were asked to overlap our lines.

Ando: Oh~ yes, we were going pon pon pon with the lines. It was that type of rhythm [we were going for] after all.

Yamada: I remember being told to go faster (when I said the lines) really well. People from Kansai speak at a fast pace and they tend to overlap, right? To be honest, I don't know what everyone was saying in the casino scene because they were all talking over each other (laughs).

Ando: (laughs).

Yamada: But I thought it felt real. I mean I don't bother to speak with pauses normally. Looking back now, I realize that the director was really looking for that sense of realism. That's why I think the reality of Kansai felt very alive and it formed the worldview [of the movie].

Ando: Yeah, yeah. When I first read the script, I thought there seemed to be many scenes commonly found in movies, but when we actually started shooting, each person worked hard to bring their characters to life in their scenes. The movie is set in the Nishinari area of Osaka and there are locals appearing in it as well.

Yamada: That's right.

Ando: I think that kind of thing was thorough. Also, there are a lot of charismatic veterans in this film.

Yamada: That's true.

Ando: It was a lot of fun working with those senpais and building up Neri from there. There's a scene where Mandala (Uzaki Ryudo) and I “go to battle” and I wanted to walk in a cool way, but Uzaki-san’s coolness was part of his essence.

-- It's the rock'n'roll aura, isn't it? Originally, he was part of the Downtown Boogie-Woogie Band.

Ando: Yes. It was amazing, I wondered how I could exceed such coolness, but I was like “ah~” at my lack of coolness (laughs).

Yamada: Not at all.

Ando: No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it.

-- Uzaki-san and Ando-san have a similar rock’n’roll vibe.

Ando: Oh, I'm happy to hear that.

Yamada: Yes, they’re really cool.

Ando: Namase (Katsuhisa)-san has an interesting way of adding nuances to the Kansai dialect.

Yamada: Ah~.

Ando: Namase-san said "Getsuyoubi no miko-san" as "Geccho hi no miko-san". I tried to imitate what he said. I think it's kind of nice that Takajo and Neri are naturally speaking in the same way. That's how I absorbed various things from the senpais and used them in my acting. Speaking of which, Yama-chan. Yama-chan was really amazing.

Yamada: Not really.

Ando: You know, it's different. It's really amazing for us to be able to work together. After I finished watching the movie, I said to the director, "Isn’t Yama-chan dangerously good?"

Yamada: No, I was not that good (laughs).

-- There is a scene where the two of you and Mandala did something violent to someone. It seemed that something surprising happened during the actual filming.

Yamada: That's right. It's the scene where the three of us are together.

Ando: In [the rehearsal] for the scene where we did something very violent, I had to make this person drink an alcohol called Spirytus*, but when I said, "Wow, I can’t do it," Yamada-kun said, "Well then, I'll do it."

*Per google, this Polish spirit is 76% alcohol. That will burn like crazy!

Yamada: That's right (laughs).

Ando: But when it came to the actual take, I gradually got on board and said “Yes, I'll do it” (laughs).

Yamada: In the end, Ando-san made him drink it (laughs). I was surprised when she suddenly did that during the actual take. I thought, “You’re really into it.”

Ando: (laughs).

Yamada: Because she will do something like that for the first time on set, the filming was really fun.

Ando: Another thing that was amazing was the scene with the hardcore dude.

Yamada: Haha. Hardcore.

Ando: We were taking down the hardcore dude. I talked about it a little bit earlier, but the fight choreography team came up with these cool actions. But taking into account Neri and Joe’s character, I wondered if “this cool action works”.

Yamada: Because it was the type of moves you see often in an action movie.

Ando: I thought the film suddenly became an action film, with cool action and all, but when I finally did it, it turned out to be pathetic action that looked like it was fluke.

Yamada: Have you seen such pathetic action scenes?

Ando: What pathetic moves are those? (laughs).

Yamada: Mandala and I were shouting threats and dragging a pipe chair, and I threw the bag that fell off it towards the enemy, but it hit Neri-nee (laughs).

Ando: Yes, yes (laughs).

Yamada: Isn't that kind of realistic? It’s like “Uh~, that happened”.

Ando: For that scene, the script had a note saying there was “bang bang” from the gunshots, but there was a problem with the prop gun we were using. So in the end, Uzaki-san, who played Mandala, just made the sound effect himself..

Yamada: He went "Bang bang" (laughs).

Ando: It was really cute. I think Mandala, Joe and Neri made the best trio.

Yamada: It was lame-cool, wasn't it?

-- It’s a set you want to keep working on, right?

Yamada: Really.

Ando: Yes. It really was.

Yamada: Yeah, it was fun.

-- Looking back on the shoot, please tell us what you’re thinking now.

Ando: When I was young, although it was rare, I had met characters who made me feel like they were showing rawness every second. It can’t help being fun to find things while filming. It’s like I was Mario going pepepepe~.

Yamada: You're invincible (laughs).

Ando: I don't know if I'm invincible (laughs). Mario had amazing jumping power in those times, but when I played Neri, I could jump twice as much as usual, and my body moved so much, it was super fun. I was really glad to be able to meet such a role on set in these days and ages. I felt joy!

Yamada: Of course, it was great playing Joe, but moreover, I was able to appear in Harada-san's and work with Ando-san playing the person closest to her, and that to me was the real treasure in my acting career. But above all, I was able to see Ando-san up close and personal, so I was the happiest ever.

-- I think that was reflected in the relationship between Neri and Joe. What can you say about this pair of siblings?

Ando & Yamada (looked at each other): Eh (laughs)?

Ando: I thought they were the strongest partners (laughs). Even though they were useless, they balanced each other out very well.

Yamada: That's right, In Joe’s mind, Neri was his favorite sister. He called himself a psychopath but he was able to love properly. He showed his feelings quite a bit, and when you read the movie’s pamphlet, you might think he was a cool guy, but...

Ando: He was not cool at all (laughs).

Yamada: He was a cheerful little brother (laughs). But if it was for his sister’s sake, he wouldn’t care about himself and he would get his hands dirty no matter how dangerous the situation was. In those scenes, the screws came off and well, he was crazy.

Ando: But on the other hand, a psychopath… I think Neri would think “that’s so not true”.

Yamada: That's right (laughs).

Ando: She thought he was just an idiot (laughs).

Yamada: True! People who think they are psychopaths are probably not psychopaths (laughs).

Ando: (Imitating Joe) Yes .

Yamada: Haahaha. Joe was just an idiot. A lovable guy.

Ando: That's why I was surprised by the cool Joe later in the movie; I was fascinated. That was really amazing.

Yamada: No, he was just an idiot (laughs).

[malebotlabs]

(If you want an update on where I’ve been and the state of this blog where I answer some frequently asked questions and a bit of RP click below. If not, enjoy the pictures it will be a while before there’s more but do not worry I’m doing fine just taking a break.)

TRANSMISSION START:

Greetings and good evening, this is the Malebot Labs account PR unit operating again for it’s yearly update which will be reported in human emulation mode for convenience: *Ahem* Uh...hey? So I’ve been absolutely busy with life and a bit stressed out over the past several months, a bad mixture of life stuff and just generalized anxiety to be frank, so my production of stuff on this blog has been a bit...glacial to say the least. I’ve come to a few decisions on how to both improve my life and focus on things more. A break from a lot of stuff that takes a chunk of my time.

I’m going to take a break from here for a bit; not that anything here is bad or anything I just need to focus more on the stuff happening around me then hot robot men. Hopefully you guys understand

At the very least I should be fully operational at some time in the future! Just when things die down a bit and I can sit down and breathe a bit.

Here let me answer a few questions I’ve gotten while I’ve been working on stuff because that’ll hopefully get us all on the same page: 1. Do you have other social media or a discord account? Sorry no I don’t, I’m an odd case on that where I prefer to keep my internet footprint as small as possible. The fact I even made a tumblr blog at all is still baffling to me. If you need to contact me for whatever reason please message me here but I don’t think I’ll be responding anytime soon.

2. Can you do/make an edit of/Write a story involving ______ I don’t think I’ll be able to get to requests anytime soon. I’m real sorry.

3. Can you continue any of your stories? I probably won’t, most of the stories I write are small snippets of things going through my head making an edit or what I’m feeling that specific evening. I need to be in a specific mood to finish things. The fact that people have enjoyed them to the extent they have has surprised me for sure! Thank you all a lot for the kind words I’ve received over the years on them!

4. What do you do/where do you live/other various personal questions Sorry I prefer to keep myself anonymous online, I feel it’s safer and it allows those around me to act like I’m a machine more easily. Just think of me as everyone’s public robot/sexbot and leave it at that. Hell if you wanted to act like that I won’t stop you. If you can’t tell I’m a huge slut for being a robot and being around robots. Treat me like the machine I want to be and leave that silly human stuff to the side for the “emulation” to take care of!

5. Can we RP? I wouldn’t count on me responding anytime soon to anything here, but I want to say thank you to those that I’ve had sessions with in the past. You all have been real fun to roleplay with and I wish you all the best until we talk again! Thank you!

6. Do you exercise?/Are you a jock in real life? I need to exercise for sure! Part of my break is going to involve me going to the gym and exercising regularly when possible! As far as the other part of that goes I don’t act like a jock in real life, I don’t know anything about sports and I prefer to sit inside with a nice book or perhaps a video game if I have the time to sit down with one. I’m a nerdy guy who wears suits and is generally unremarkable.

7. What is the lore behind Malebot Labs and it’s world building? Basically nothing funnily enough, I just find robot men hot and then breaking apart even hotter. I’d say it’s a pretty shit company with all of it’s machines technical faults but there’s a market in universe for this malfunction stuff. I’d say there’s other companies and even female robots and other types of adult robotic companions out there it’s just that this blog was made when I was really into robotic men specifically so all of my feminine robot edits are largely on my own pc or just deleted. Actually a funny story I forgot that malebots was a website when I made this blog and felt extremely embarrassed when I remembered. I thought about changing the name but I never came up with anything better.

8. Are all the Malebots gay? Probably. I think robots can be whatever they want to/are programmed to be. As far as I go? I’m bisexual and I tend to swing to masculine and feminine body types about the same amount so yes the guy running the gay robot porn blog is gay.

9. What do you use to edit your pictures? I use GIMP and a lot of the selective gaussian blur tool to get that plastic look, I’d make a tutorial but that’s basically all I do besides some layers, some pngs I found online, and the perspective tool putting in a lot of work. I used to have a lot more higher quality images to work with for components but lost them on my old computer.

10. Do you speak any other languages? Sorry I only speak english. If I could just import new languages into my speech life would be so much easier!

11. Are you a robot? Of course not! That’d be crazy. That’d...be crazy. Y-You can’t really believe I-I’m a robot right? Right? I-I’m a normal h-human ma-man! Hu-ma-MAN! I-I-I’m sorry I seem to be-ERROR THIS UNIT IS EXPER- I seem to be-ERROR- I seem to b-be experiencing problems! O-ooooooh! H-Hey there ho-hot stuff do yo-you like what you see? What you see? W-what you. See? I am b-built to be the p-perfect man, the perfect. Man. So u-use me like the m-machine I am! The ma-ERROR IN HUMAN EMULATION PLEA-O-Oh Oh! You...Y-You want to go somewhere more...private? P-Private? I ho-hope you’re enjoying m-my b-body my b-bod-my blog! O-Okay I’m getting w-way too...HOT! W-way too h-hot...I-I’m so...hooooooooooot. So Hot. So. hothothothothothot. Oh l-look at the time! I-I need to get going. Going. enjoy th-the blog! The! Blog! ERROR-ERROR PLEASE CONTACT MALEBOT LABS TECHNICAL SUPPORT FOR MAINTENANCE OF YOUR PR UNIT.  PLEASE CONTACT MALEBOT LABS TECHNICAL SUPPORT FOR MAINTENANCE OF YOUR PR UNIT. PLE- END TRANSMISSION

[kaboomviper]

good afternoon. I'm preparing for my mother to join me later today in beautiful sunny Los Angeles. I've got a few hours of work to clock before knocking down two brews and a glizzy. In the interim, I thought you all might appreciate:

A Casual Assessment of 2024 in Film so far

AI ✨ is killing Hollywood- So far this year, there's been very little work for real Hollywood talent, and much of the work is going overseas. As the AI revolution progresses, this will probably get worse (most of what they call AI is overseas labor and not really a tiny brain in a USB port). However, there's probably still plenty of work to be had at smaller studios, the Artist may simply see less work at the major outlets: Netflix, Disney, etc. At least for a few years.

Capitalism is a Joke- Sony Pictures bought Alamo Drafthouse as a pet project to put Demon Slayer at exclusive theatrical events (I predict). The dudes at Skydance Media, one of whom is the son of the guy who runs Oracle, are buying Paramount Global for an absurd amount of money.

However! The good news is, there have been some seriously terrific movies that have dropped this year. If you want to feel like your brain is going through a blender, the experimental film market has 'Kinds of Kindness' from Focus, 'The Beast,' a Lea Seydoux project out of France, 'The People's Joker,' a partially animated autobiographical-parody film from Vera Drew, and 'AGGRO DR1FT', the newest and most experimental to date from Harmony Korine.

In my top 5:

5. Robot Dreams

A largely silent film about an anthropomorphic dog and his robot companion who are separated, but dream about returning back together. I'm dead serious that just writing the synopsis of this movie gives me full body chills- not in the simple story, it's unremarkable in literally only that aspect. The film is detailed, it's carefree but deliberate, emotionally grounded but still fun. Think 'Bojack Horseman' meets a Peanuts cartoon. If one or both of those things revs your engines like it does mine, this is for you.

4. Dune 2 Guys @ The Same Time (Streaming on Max)

Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Wormn! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm!Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm! Worm!

3. Challengers (or Dune 2 Guys @ Separate Times)

What can I say? I love Zendaya.

Seriously, what can I say about 'Challengers?' I was largely Guadagnino agnostic while everyone else seemed a bit more enthralled with 'Call Me By Your Name' and 'Bones and All'. That said, he's the kind of director I want to support with my $$ because he's making interesting choices and seems to be continually directing new projects and doesn't seem to have interest in making something with much CGI. 'Challengers' is my idea of a blockbuster and will only grow in my estimation over time, not decrease. Incredibly dense and rewarding script and the aesthetic choices made in the film give me a lot more reason to return to 'Call Me By Your Name' as an adult.

2. The Sweet East (Streaming on Hulu)

Released by Utopia, this film played a few New York theaters somewhere in the region of Christmas to New Years of 2023, which makes this a 2024 movie by my estimation (living in New York City is exclusive in a way that it's a little like being at a film festival all of the time).

This is a 'picaresque', or a 'road film,' starring Talia Ryder and featuring Simon Rex, Ayo Edebiri, and Jacob Elordi. I seriously think this is the coolest movie with the coolest cast ever. Technically not the 'best' of the year yet, but it's something I'd recommend anyone to watch regardless of life experience. It's a stunning portrait of sexuality, coming of age, and Ryder is pure fun, her own little agent of chaos amidst a kooky cast. You're not a real film bro until you watch this movie. Fr. Look at that cast list again.

1. Lisa Frankenstein (Streaming on Peacock)

The best movie of the year.

This is basically a John Waters movie directed by Robin Williams' daughter. Script by Diablo Cody of 'Jennifer's Body' and 'Juno.'

By the way, all of my top three are there because a) the story hinges on an incredible leading woman b) all three cast a SUPERB leading actress.

This won't be the last time I talk about many of these films but you should already have seen them, so consider this a good forewarning.

Thanks for tuning in. Here's a picture of my knee.

[gaywiththesauce]

Crashed (Hammered, Wasted Even) (RenGiyuu, KNY)

When Giyuu thought of his life, he figured he was lucky.

He thought he was lucky to live under a house with a roof, to go to college, to land a teaching job at a high school, and go to college for his Master's in the summers and loosely in the spring seasons. For the last two years, that's how his life has been. Satisfied, that's how he would describe his life. He got up in the mornings with quick breakfasts, had unremarkable lunches, and ate takeout four days a week for dinner. He liked this life, or at least he convinced himself he did.

"Really? That sounds boring," Shinobu Kocho, one of his students, commented when he mentioned his simple life. She had lockpicked his door after refusing to get it for her on his lunch break. Even having her in here was a risk to his perfect teaching record, but she sat stubbornly in the front row. This is the seventh time she's done this, but classes had only been in session for three weeks.

"That's your opinion," he said calmly, eating out of his premade bento box. He was tired of the tuna flavor. He will buy a different kind tomorrow.

"My opinion is correct! Do you even go out?"

The lunch period was already wrapping up, so he finished what was left, "I shouldn't discuss my personal life with a student, you know." That got a groan out of Shinobu. She had something homemade with her. Curry rice, or what was left of it after she was finished. Shinobu ate faster than him, which gave her ample time to question every damn thing about him.

"C'mon," she stood to throw away her dirty napkins, "I'm not just a student."

Giyuu laughed through his nose. Yes, she was also an employee at the library he visited twice a month. The first time to rent books that won't be finished, and the second time to return them so there wasn't a fee on his card. Oh, and she was in one (1) of his classes this summer. Biology. For some reason, she took a college class as a junior going on to senior. Despite him never asking about it, she explained it anyways. It was something about wanting to be ahead of her classmates and something about her sister he didn't catch. She talked to him the entire course and was his lab partner, so it was ironic when he saw her sitting in one of his afternoon classes. She has insisted that Giyuu is her equal, even going as far as demanding more respect and being treated as an "adult." He had no idea what that meant because his behavior was the same for everyone.

"Fine, I'll drop it, Tomioka-san. I won't pry into your personal life," she said irritatingly.

"That's Tomioka-sensei here, Shinobu-chan," he scolded her. He could bring it up to the principal and have her called in on her manners, but that would be extra paperwork he did not feel like dealing with.

Giyuu threw away the rest of his pathetic lunch. Admittedly, that was one of the worst lunches he's ever bought. He thought for a moment that he might have gotten the wrong brand. He looked at the clock on the wall and looked back at Shinobu. She had been talking to him this entire time, just now realizing he hadn't been listening. "Tomioka-san," she whined, "You are hopeless, you know that?"

Ouch.

---------------

Hello! It's Saucy here. This is a WIP that I'm working on. I only have chapter one up right now but there's at least 11 that I plan to have in the story, maybe more!

I also plan to post updates here about the fic and other fics so feel free to follow along! And here is the link to the rest of the chapter!

Chapter Two - Three - Four

[that-bipolar-mood]

Hi there,

I don't know who else to talk to about this, and your blog seems like the only one I can talk to about this (you don't even have to answer this).

About half a year ago I started getting into spirituality. At first it was wonderful, and really inspired and encouraged a lot of positive personal growth for me. I started meditating and hearing voices. However, there have been a few times that became disturbing, and a couple were downright terrifying.

I only just recently opened up to my counselor about those moments. She was naturally concerned, and reached out to my my medication specialist to let her know. The meds specialist then gave me a prescription for Abilify, and kind of rushed through the appointment without really listening to me. Hallucinations or not, to me those moments were very real, and to have them so quickly dismissed has hurt me deeply.

I see how my behaviour could be concerning for others. I agree that I do experience hypomania. I'm not living an impulsive or reckless lifestyle, but I do go through cycles of being high-strung, irritable, and depressed, only to bounce back to being pleasant and happy-go-lucky again. Yet it hurts to know that my attempts to better my life and connect with a higher source was noted as a red flag, like they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like all of my credibility and respectability has been taken from me overnight. It feels like whenever I become excited about something that it's going to be questioned as a suspicious and monitored as a symptom, instead of allowing me to enjoy my life like an adult. I already feel like my partner looks down on me. He uses my earlier mental illness diagnosis as a means to infantalise and patronise me, even if he doesn't think he is.

We both have relatives with bipolar disorder, and I don't see myself being like them. I've seen what mania looks like, and where it leads to. It scares and dismays me to be put into the same category as them. I could handle the ADHD and depression diagnoses, but BP is more than I'm willing to admit. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. Just like I'm embarrassed for sharing my spiritual experiences and research with those around me, and how silly I must have looked.

I've decided it would be best if I avoid anything involved in spirituality, to play it safe. However, now there's a great absence in my life, with nothing worthwhile to put my time and energy into. There's a deep emptiness and loneliness in my heart with nothing to replace it. My inner compass now has no direction, I don't know what to do with myself anymore, both daily and throughout my life. I feel unremarkable, unsupported, and out of reach of G-d's love.

Thank you for reading through my vent. I hope you're having a good week.

- Jackalope

Well hello, and thank you firstly for reaching out.

To be honest, I believe the majority in the bipolar community or perhaps even the entire mental health community, understands or relates on some level. Also, I won't lie and pretend there is a simple answer here, or that anyone can give you one in the first place.

Now that I've said that, here's my personal subjective view. Spirituality saved me from my existential struggles, but I learnt the hard way that there is a line that I can never cross unless I want to get hospitalised. I tried desperately to balance my spiritual beliefs with reason and this diagnosis I received... it went horribly...for some time. Naturally, l gave up.

Guess what happened. Didn't work out. Depression kicked in faster than ever, and I'm talking about the paralysing, scary, losing-self one. Anyway, this happened next:

1. I just stopped surrounding myself with judgemental people who kept putting me down because of spirituality (frankly, I had no energy left).

2. I embraced the fact that I can be both mentally ill and practice spirituality, but starting slow...(no staying up reading on religions or painting visions instead of eating).

3. I switched psychiatrists and was lucky to find a liberal open-minded one, who helped me sort out which beliefs were harmful and which weren't.

4. Again, lucky for me, I found the right medication that kept me stable and offered me a chance to control triggers better.

So, in my experience, yoga and meditation (sometimes hours long) are not harmful but crucial. Yet, anything that occupies me enough to disrupt or just rapidly change my life can be potentially harmful. Welcome to 'the spectre life' of bipolar.

I'm not sure which diagnosis you consider to be correct for you, I can speak as someone with bipolar disorder, and my life is really all about balance. Meaning it goes both ways. I cannot do without spirituality, but I have to be careful not to "bite off more than I can chew."

I hope this helps and if you feel like chatting or anything really, please message me.

I believe truly that you have the capacity to sort this through and that you will be alright.

<3