#we don’t have any extra money until Friday or I’d give in to my craving of a rich chocolate cake and ice cream

[harmonizewithechoes]

.

[verai-marcel]

Life Level Up (RDR2 Fanfic, Arthur x F!Reader, Neighbor AU, Part 1 of 3, 18+)

Part 9 of Neighborly Affection. Read the other parts in the #neighbor au tag.

Summary: Your birthday is coming up, but with you and Arthur getting accustomed to living with each other and working out all your quirks and differences, you hadn’t really thought about it. But Arthur has given it a lot of thought.

Author’s Notes: This is it folks, this is the last part of Neighbor AU. I’ll be writing this in three parts, as a mirror of the first part: High Honor, Low Honor, and an epilogue that works for both.

Tags: finale, realistic relationship things, smut, slight breeding kink, rough sex, speedbumping, dirty talk, feels, HEA

AO3 Link is here, angel.

Word Count: 3201

--------------------

Chapter 1: High Honor

The past three months went by like a blur since you moved in with him, and at this point, you feel like you’ve been with him forever. The ease of switching from living alone to living with Arthur (and sometimes Isaac) had been smooth because the two of you had your big financial talk before you had agreed to move in with him. With both of you depositing an equal amount into a shared account from which you paid all your bills, food, rent, and an emergency fund, the rest of your money was yours to do with as you pleased. Things were going well. 

It helped that although the fire between you two still was burning, it had calmed into a cozy heat. The first week the two of you had the place to yourselves, you were sore as hell and tired everyday. 

But afterwards, the two of you would share more cuddles, more time just being with each other as opposed to fucking like rabbits. After a long day, Arthur loved to welcome you home with a nice meal and a hug. At night, he'd hold you in his arms and massage your scalp, or he would rub your back. You would do the same for him, of course, loving the feel of his muscles under your hands, his soft moans as you worked a knot in his shoulder blades. 

And so time passed. Without realizing it, your birthday was a week away. 

It had been a crazy year. A year of being with Arthur. Two years since you had met him. What would your life have been like if you hadn't said yes to him? What if you hadn't taken that chance? 

Still yearning, alone in your small studio apartment, that's for sure. 

Feeling grateful for this turn of events, you finished your last IT ticket and shut down your laptop. Leaving the bedroom, you blinked to see Arthur on his phone, intently reading something. He had I even looked up when you opened the door. 

"Arthur?" 

He suddenly looked up and saw you. "Oh, uh, you done fer the day, angel?" 

"Yeah. You alright?" 

Arthur's eyes flicked away for a moment before looking back at you. "Yep, just fine." He got up and walked towards you, slipping his phone into his pocket before pulling you into a big hug. "What do you want for dinner?" 

You eyed him suspiciously. "You sure you're alright?" 

He smiled, his eyes clear as a cloudless summer sky. “Yup, never better.”

***

You would eventually look back on that moment and realize that was when the gears started turning in Arthur’s head. But at the time, you just brushed it off as him having a moment of reflection and just carried on.

It was Friday and you were wrapping up your work for the day. Your birthday was tomorrow and Arthur hadn’t said anything other than asking you to keep your day open, which immediately clued you in on some kind of secret plan. You were going to groom yourself tonight so you could be ready for tomorrow, whatever his plan might be.

As you exited the bedroom, you smelled delicious food and walked over to the kitchen. You saw Arthur putting the last touches on two plates of grilled chicken and roasted root veggies, the scent of rosemary and thyme making your mouth water.

“Perfect timin’, angel,” he said as he turned around and saw you. “C’mon, let’s eat.”

You happily sat down and let him serve you, chowing down with abandon as the two of you shared your days with each other. He had a busy day at the mechanic shop as three people had rolled up right at the end of the day, leaving their cars overnight for the other team to work on tomorrow. But he stayed over an extra hour to take notes and write all the reports to make sure they knew what to look for.

“You work so hard, Arthur,” you said between bites of delicious chicken. “I really admire that about you.”

He bashfully looked down at his plate and pushed his potatoes around with his fork. “Ain’t nothin’, just tryin’ to do my best.”

You reached out and touched his arm, squeezing it gently. “Seriously, that’s one of the things that really drew me to you. Give yourself some more credit.”

Finally looking up at you, he gave you a wry grin before he continued to eat, asking you about your day. By the time you finished regaling him with a tale of a user who wrote every password down on a piece of paper and had lost said paper, expecting you to know all the passwords because you were ‘the computer person’, you both had finished your food and were washing plates.

“So… what are we doing tomorrow?”

Arthur turned to you and smiled. “Oh, just thought I’d take you out to dinner tomorrow night. For your big day.”

You grinned. You knew he had something planned. “Where are we going?”

“That, my darlin’, is a secret.”

“Aww, come on Arthur!”

“Nope, you hafta wait until tomorrow night.”

You glared at him, but his mysterious smile stayed on his face, undeterred by your stare.

***

The next day couldn’t go by fast enough. Arthur had to work an extra morning shift at the mechanic’s, so you cleaned the apartment, and you may have surreptitiously looked around his desk for any clue of where the two of you were going. You didn’t dig in too deep; after all, you respected his privacy. Besides, you knew hacking into his computer would be pointless, since he barely used the thing. His plans were probably handwritten somewhere, or all up in his head.

You didn’t find anything, no receipts, no print outs, nothing. You sighed after you finished cleaning and plopped down on the sofa in the living room to play video games until Arthur came back from work.

***

When he called saying to eat without him, but eat light, you were a little annoyed. He said he’d come back and hang out with you, that he would try to not let work talk him into staying longer.

Of course he’d stay longer. You knew this going into the relationship. But on your birthday, the fact that he couldn’t come back on time hurt just a little bit. You fixed yourself a salad and continued gaming until about 3PM, when you heard the door open and close. You kept your attention on the game, trying to not let yourself get more annoyed; you logically knew it wasn’t his fault. Emotionally though, you felt a little bit abandoned.

“Sorry I’m late, darlin’.”

You huffed. “It’s fine.”

Arthur toed his boots off and looked at you. “You mad?”

You sighed. “No, I’m not mad. Just… a little disappointed, I guess.”

He came over and sat next to you. You still hadn’t looked at him.

Arthur reached out and gently began to rub your shoulders. “I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be,” you replied immediately. “I’m just being selfish. It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

You heard him sigh. Hitting pause on your game, you finally turned to him. Seeing him look at you with such remorse made you feel worse.

“Arthur. It’s fine.”

“You keep sayin’ that…”

“Because it is!” you snapped.

Arthur blinked at your outburst, then he held his hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright. Just… let me know if anything changes.”

You sighed, upset with yourself. “I will.” You turned back to your game. “So where are we going tonight?”

“You still want to go?”

You thought about it for a few moments. “Yeah, I do. I’m just feeling immature. Like I know you have work and stuff. I just wanted you back home sooner.”

Arthur suddenly wrapped his arms around you in a big hug. “Oh, angel,” he murmured into your ear as he held you. “I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

You melted into his arms. Such an earnest man. Turning your head, you kissed him. “I love you.”

“Love you too, darlin’.”

***

Arthur drove you out towards the beach, and when you saw the restaurant you were heading towards, you gawked at him.

“You… you didn’t.”

“I did.”

“You got a reservation?”

“Ayup.”

You said nothing more as Arthur parked his truck, got out, and came around to the other side to help you out like a gentleman. You would normally scoff at such treatment, but he had asked you to wear something a little fancy, so you had on heels and a cocktail dress, which weren’t the easiest things to move around in.

Arthur looked delicious in his navy blue blazer, black polo, blue jeans, and boots. It was hard not to drag him back into the bedroom after seeing him in that outfit, but you knew you had to be patient; after all, there was always tonight.

Holding onto his arm, you let him escort you into the fancy Lakehouse Restaurant.

***

Dinner was wonderful; the foodie in you would always remember how scrumptious everything was, how beautiful all the dishes were, and you lamented how you would probably not go there again for a very long time. Arthur wouldn’t let you see the bill, which was probably for the best, since you would probably have a heart attack.

The drive home was relaxed, the negativity of earlier in the afternoon having faded away now that you had some distance from it all. Arthur was always good about letting you process your emotions, giving you time to recover. You would always be grateful for Arthur being patient with you.

His hand was on your knee, his thumb drawing circles on your skin the entire drive home. By the time you got back, you were craving his touch on all of you.

As the two of you entered your apartment, you kicked off your heels and turned to kiss him. He was surprised at first, given that he had barely gotten his boots off, but soon his hands were on your ass, lifting you up. Immediately you wrapped your legs around his waist as he carried you to the bedroom. Setting you down on the edge of the bed, Arthur suddenly let go of you and stepped back.

Looking up at him, seeing his eyes turn very serious, your heart stuttered. “Arthur?”

He got down on one knee.

“Ar-Arthur?” you said again, your voice high pitched and breathy.

He said your name, your full name, and you knew what was happening. Your eyes began to water and he looked blurry, so you blinked quickly. You wanted to see this moment clearly, burn this into your memory.

“I’ve messed up a lot in the past. I’ll probably mess up even more in the future. But even so, I would be honored if you’d be by my side through it all, just as I’ll be by yours.”

Arthur reached into a pocket inside his blazer and pulled out a small, black velvet box, and opened it, presenting you with a beautiful silver ring with a dark blue gemstone.

Your vision blurred again.

“You don’t have to answer me now. This ring is my gift to you, whether or not you’ll have me.”

You tried to speak, and choked on your words. He knew you always wanted time to think. He had waited to propose until you were safely at home, away from public eyes, because he didn’t want the pressure to force an answer out of you. He understood you more than anyone ever had before.

“Yes,” you finally said. “I never want to be with anyone else.”

You felt Arthur take your hand and slip the ring onto your finger, felt his stubble cheek brush against yours as he kissed away your tears. “My sweet angel,” he murmured. “What did I do to deserve you.”

You giggled as you reached down and brushed his inner thigh. “You make me feel good.”

He grinned. “That I can do, birthday girl.” Reaching around you, he slowly pulled down the zipper of your dress, unwrapping you like a present as he kissed your exposed skin. Each kiss lingered as if he was savoring each moment of contact, his warm breath making you shiver with desire. Sliding your bra off, he stared at your bare chest with a lustful look, taking your breasts in both his hands and squeezing, teasing your nipples with his fingers and thumbs, drawing out your soft moans.

“Lay back, angel,” he directed quietly. You did as he said, laying back and lifting your hips so he could slide off your dress. With just your sky blue colored panties and bra, you looked at him with a smile. He smiled back, bent down to kiss your inner thighs as he worked his way towards your center before moving the fabric aside, dipping his tongue inside of you.

“Ahhh!” you gasped when his lips made contact with your sensitive bud, your heart rate rocketing when he sucked on it. It was too much and you nearly kicked him, your body writhing madly under his touch. A strong hand gripped your ankle before you could move any further, and he trapped your other leg under his arm as he continued to pleasure you with his talented mouth.

“Keep moanin’ darlin’,” he said before he delved back between your legs. He drove you to the brink, over and over again, before easing off, kissing you everywhere else for a little bit as you caught your breath, pushing your hips towards him, begging with every fiber of your being for completion.

“Please baby,” you begged, “please make me come.”

“So sweet of you to ask,” he said teasingly before letting go of your ankle to slip his finger inside of you. He stood up and bent over you, his eyes capturing yours with his intent stare as he pushed a second, then a third finger inside of you, all the while thumbing your core until your fingers dug into his shoulders and your hips jolted upwards.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck!” you cried out, your body not ready for the intense climax rushing through you, as if it was coming from both Arthur’s fingers and his gaze. You were trapped by his beautiful eyes, his lips curved in the sexiest, most confident grin you’d ever seen on him as he watched you fall apart from his touch.

“That’s it darlin’, you look so beautiful when you come,” he said in a low voice, filled with love.

When his fingers finally left your body, you felt like you were floating on a cloud, pleasantly buzzed, your muscles relaxed.

Then he took off his jacket.

Your eyes zeroed in on him as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, taking off his clothes, knowing how hungrily you watched him. His hands purposely slowed as he undid his fly, dropping his pants and his boxers, letting you see all of him. Your mouth watered at his hard, thick cock as he took it in his hand and stroked himself lightly.

“Hungry, sweetheart?”

You nodded as you got onto your hands and knees and took him into your mouth. The salty taste of him hit your tongue, eliciting a soft moan of enjoyment from you. Licking him like a popsicle, you reached around him with one arm, grabbing his ass and pushing him towards you.

“Whoa there, darlin’. Careful,” he chuckled as he dug his hands into your hair. He let you dictate the pace, letting his head fall back as he made wordless sounds of satisfaction.

“Gettin’ close,” he said as he stepped away from you, slapping your ass playfully. “Git on the bed, lemme make love to ya.” 

Rolling onto your back, you spread your legs for him, crooking your finger in a ‘come hither’ motion. He smiled and grabbed your legs, settling your ankles on his shoulders before he pressed his cock against your slit.

“Love you,” he said before suddenly thrusting into you, filling you so full that you cried out. 

“Yes, yes!”

Towering above you as he rocked his hips, he looked at you like you were his whole world. "Darlin', you feel so good," he said, his voice low and raspy as he thrust his cock in and out of you, faster and faster. 

Then he suddenly leaned down and pulled you into his arms, folding you in half, and stood back up, still inside of you. With his hands gripping your ass solidly, he pumped you up and down, using you like his fuck toy. 

Your head rolled back and your heart raced at the show of his immense strength. There was no way he would drop you; he held you as if you weighed as little as a feather. 

As your eyes met, he grinned. "I think you should get to ride for a bit," he joked as he sat down. Laying onto his back, he let you maneuver yourself more comfortably. Once you were in position, he gripped your hips. "C'mon cowgirl," he murmured. 

You lifted up, smirked, then slowly lowered yourself onto his cock, teasing him by circling your hips, earning you a snarl. 

"You goin' to tease me like that? After all I done fer ya?" 

You laughed and let yourself drop onto him. Placing your hands onto his strong chest, you started to ride him hard, rubbing yourself frantically, chasing that sweet high. Watching Arthur's eyes flutter shut and his head roll back as he thrust upwards into your tight heat was a sight you wanted to remember forever. His body was covered with a light sheen of sweat and his muscles flexed as he reached for you, pulling you into his arms and taking control. His hips pistoned relentlessly, and all you could do was hold on as the tide of pleasure came rolling in. 

Your climax took you hard, making you shake and shiver in his arms. Your mind blanked as you stared into his beautiful eyes, words spilling from you in your delirious haze. 

"Arthur, please, fill me up! Breed me," you moaned.

"Oh, fuck, darlin'," he gasped as he came, your words pushing him over the edge. His fingers gripped your hips hard enough to bruise as he lost himself inside of you. Rolling you over, he pounded into you a few more times, crushing your body into the mattress, desperate to get as deep inside of you as he could. 

He stayed that way on top of you, catching his breath. You wrapped your arms around him and hugged him tight. 

“I love you,” he murmured as he slipped out of you. Rolling to his side, he held you close, running his fingers up and down your back. 

“I love you too, Arthur.”

He kissed you gently, full of love and devotion. Taking your hand, he held it up between your faces so he could admire the ring on your finger. He kissed the back of your hand before holding it to his heart.

“I’ll do my best to make you the happiest wife in the world.”

You believed he could do it too, because he always made you happy.

-------------------

Part 2 here.

[yandere-flower]

The Babysitter/Student Trope

You already know what this is 😏

(Female Darling)

—————————

“Luca! Let me know when the sitter arrives please!”

Cliff doesn’t bother to wait for his answer, hoping his son had heard him from wherever he was. He had just received a last minute email from the Dean saying that all History Department employees were scheduled a flight to a meeting in some fuckall location he wasn’t able to read up on. All he knew was he needed to be at the airport within the next two and a half hours or his head would be on a stick.

He had just finished sticking the last of his required paperwork into his luggage, cussing all throughout, when he heard a knock on his door and Luca calling out for him. Grabbing his bags, he swings the door open and Luca has to jump out of the way to avoid the swinging shoulder bag.

“She’s waiting by the doorway!”

“Thank you Luca!”

He’s practically sprinting down the stairs, looking at his watch and pushing his glasses up to try and escape the glare, not even bothering to glance up at the person he’d hired.

“Hi, sorry for the sudden call and thanks for coming on such a short notice! Feel free to buy whatever food the two of you are craving, card’s on the counter, but there are some fresh groceries as well. I’d love to stay and talk but I have a flight to catch in the next—,” he checks mobile flight ticket, “—hour and a half. If you need to get in contact, my number is with my card and I’ll see you in a few days. Take care!” and he’s out the door in record time.

The flight itself was shitty at best— because of the short notice, he didn’t have time to upgrade his seat to first class seating, and most of his sleep was interrupted by several different toddlers of several different origins.

How the 6 year old from 7 seats behind him ended up in the seat next to him half way through the flight, he’ll never know.

The meeting itself was somehow worse: supposedly it was a department meeting from several different universities, and he had to tune out a third of the way through in order to keep himself from exploding. How all of these people were hired despite knowing near nothing about their respective histories was beyond him.

And to make matters worse, it was only day one.

Much to his relief, the next two days when much better and the flight home was significantly improved.

Finally, he was home. Well, almost. He sighed heavily as he opened the front door, but grinned to himself when he heard Luca’s shrill giggles paired with a much softer laugh; the fact that his son was screaming absolute bloody murder was the first good sign.

Trudging is way to the parlor, he dropped his bags at the bottom of the steps to bring up later, knocking on the door frame as he came into the room. The sitter whipped her head up to look at him before smoothing out her sweater and standing up, Luca clinging to her.

“Welcome back! I hope the trip wasn’t too terrible.” He snorted at her words; she was grinning wryly, pretty eyes scrunched slightly in doubt at her own words.

“Terrible is a nice way of putting it...”

“You don’t say.” He barked out a laugh at that one. Snarky, but not in a hostile way. He can get down with it.

“Thanks again for coming on such short notice. Do you have a preferred way of getting paid?”

Her eyes soften now, empathetic towards his exhaustion. “What ever is easiest for you. As long as you can promise the check won’t bounce if you prefer that way.”

He huffs and smiles wryly, taking out his wallet and handing over some cash. She thanks him as she takes it (something he finds a tad bit strange, seeing as he should be thanking her for being such a saint. Though, it is polite to say thank you when someone is handing you money regardless, he supposed), patting Luca on the back.

“Alright buddy, I had a lot of fun hanging out with you! But it’s time for me to go so your dad can get some rest.”

“Aw but miss—!”

“I know, but I’m sure we’ll be able to see each other again some time! I can’t promise when, but who knows!” Cliff catches the glint in Luca’s eyes, chuckling wistfully.

“I’ll be sure to get in contact with her next time Luca, I promise.”

“You better! I don’t want anyone else!”

She laughs quietly, bending down to give Luca one last hug. “I had a great time, Luca. I’ll see you next time, yeah?”

“Okay... you better not forget me!” He huffs and squeezes her before letting go. She smiles and pats his head before standing.

“I promise I won’t.” She says one more goodbye before walking out the door.

——————

A couple months pass since he’s seen the babysitter.

(It wasn’t until the next day after Cliff had slept for 14 hours straight that he realized that he didn’t even know her name, and Luca wasn’t much help either. “I only called her ‘Miss’ the entire time,” he had said, “she didn’t tell me to call her something else either though.” He was thankful to see that she hadn’t walked off with his card too.)

Fall semester was starting; today would be the first day he would see his Monday, Wednesday, Friday students, and to say he was shocked to see a familiar face walk in for his last class period would be correct.

She still wore the same positive expression and had the same pep in her step as when he saw her last. Though her outfit was definitely a lot more casual than what she had wore to babysit Luca. He wasn’t really planning on it, but he was going to take some extra precautions to make sure he memorized this class, lest he give himself away.

“Good afternoon class, and welcome to your first day—.”

“— Alright, that should be all for today. Remember, if you need to contact me for class related purposes, my email is on the syllabus. Dismissed!” As the class started flooding out the door, he made sure to make eye contact with the babysitter and beckon her over quietly.

She walked down to the podium, a smirk on her lips. “Hello Professor. Nice to see you again.” He huffed out a laugh.

“Though I’m sure I look much better now compared to when we last met.”

“Oh, definitely. You don’t look like you’ve been hit by death incarnate. I’m sure you feel a lot better too.” He nods, grinning.

He knew he was going to come to like her, a lot.

“Luca’s been talking about you. I would almost feel hurt if I didn’t know he was just trying to get an excuse to see you again.” He watched for her reaction closely, a pleased glint in his eye when her face lit up with joy.

“Really? I’m touched! I was just wondering how he was doing the other day!”

“He’s been making wild excuses for me to check my email for another spontaneous flight. Though, if you’re alright with it, maybe you can come over and see him again? I’ll even pay you the same babysitting hours.”

She laughs, genuine and happy. “Oh, no need for that! Spending time with him is more than enough; he’s such a delightful boy!”

And there went the final, echoing thud of her putting the last nail in her own coffin. The final brick in the wall of this metaphorical Cask of Amontillado. Though, admittedly, the end result would be so much sweeter than any wine.

Besides, who was Cliff to deny Luca of what he wanted, especially when he wanted her just as much.

-------------------------------------------

This is ADORABLE! Perfect for Cliff and Luca! Thanks so much for the submission!

[sockparade]

tips for surviving the pandemic: things i learned from my immigrant parents

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a little over a week since the WHO announced that the coronavirus (COVID-19) was officially a pandemic. This has been a long, challenging week for a lot of people and it is nothing short of terrifying to read reports of what is happening in Asia and Europe as many predict that we’ll likely endure a similar fate here in the United States. In the midst of all of this chaos and uncertainty, I’ve been reminded of so many lessons that my Taiwanese immigrant parents taught me. I’m sharing them here so that others might also benefit. Thanks Ma. Thanks Daddy.

你昨天已經出去了.

“You already went out yesterday.“

1. Learn how to stay home. Our family is eight days into self-isolating at home and Tony asked me this morning if I had cabin fever. And strangely, the answer is no. I’m not. Not to downplay the difficulty of this moment but my experience with this “shelter-in-place” ordinance reminds of pretty much all my summers between kindergarten and 8th grade. Both of my parents worked full-time so summer was just three blissful months of nothing. No structure, no plans, no camps, no playdates, and no responsibilities. My parents never made me feel like I was missing a thing by staying home and I don’t remember ever feeling bored. There were always library books to read, stories to write, and thoughts to journal. Hours were spent playing school with my big sister (now a first grade teacher!), making up random games like who can avoid touching the carpet longest, learning Kim Zmeskal’s latest gymnastics floor routine, writing lyrics to Kenny G saxophone solos, and rehearsing for our variety show that we would perform to our tired parents at the end of the day. And that’s not even including the hours we spent watching The Price is Right, CHIPS, Knight Rider, and Airwolf (yep, no cable).   

As a teenager I carefully plotted all my hangouts with friends so that I didn’t have too many consecutive days when I was out of the house. Whenever I asked my parents if I could hang out with friends, they would always say, “But you already went out yesterday. What’s wrong with staying home? Why do you always have to go out?” It was as if having too much fun two days in a row was off limits. If there was a big party on Friday, I would purposely make sure I stayed home Wednesday and Thursday just to increase the chances of being able to go out on Friday. I know a lot of people talk about how awful their high school years were but I was one of those lucky kids who had a really great group of friends that made me feel seen, loved, and cared for. The downside was that I couldn’t get enough of it. I was always thinking about the next hangout, the next event, the next thing. It took me all the way until my late twenties to fully appreciate the fine art of staying home and to finish my unexpected transformation into the expert homebody that I am today. 

I’m reminded of that old quote by Blaise Pascal, “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." 

It’s great to be out and about, but it’s also really important to learn how to stay home.  

______________________________________________

晚上要吃什麼？清冰箱.

“What are we eating for dinner?” “Cleaning the fridge.”

2. Be creative with what you have. I love food. Not in a foodie sense, but I get a lot of pleasure out of eating. I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination. I thoroughly enjoy a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as much as I enjoy a fancy, inventive, Michelin-starred meal at Commis. What’s hard for me is when food is eaten as sustenance rather than with delight. But my parents taught me that you can always take pride in preparing a meal. No matter your ingredients.

My mom is an excellent cook. I know a lot of people think their mom is a good cook but my mom is legitimately skilled in the kitchen. There were some nights when I’d ask what was for dinner and my mom would just reply, “Cleaning the fridge.” 

Now for some, this might sound terrifying. But my mom could honestly make something out of nothing. I still crave my dad’s simple egg and garlic fried rice. My parents raised me to be able to make an tasty meal just from rummaging in the pantry and fridge for random leftover things. There were plenty of summers where lunches and snacks were an individual culinary adventure for each of us kids. I still remember the day I witnessed my baby sister add a Kraft single on top of her onion ramen noodles. She saw my confusion, shrugged and said, “You should try it, it’s good.” 

With all the hoarding folks have been doing during this pandemic, I’ve found myself feeling quite anxious. Trying to calculate if we have enough food. Estimating how many more meals we can eat at home before we need to make another grocery run. As someone who struggles with a scarcity mentality it has been hard not to panic. But then I keep reminding myself that I know how to make good food using just whatever’s available. 

You know, I was pretty disappointed with Mary H.K. Choi’s second novel, Permanent Record, given how much I enjoyed her debut novel, Emergency Contact. But I was absolutely thrilled with the shine she gave to what her protagonist calls “Hot Snacks”.

Here’s an excerpt from Permanent Record that is a beautiful ode to creative food mashups and immigrant kids everywhere: 

“I edit and post a Shin Ramyun Black video set to music. My favorite instant noodles with three flavor packets and so much garlic. It’s a classic Korean HotSnack, especially when you throw in cut-up hot dogs, frozen dumplings, extra kimchi - and this is where the artistry comes in- eggs, cheese, corn from a can, and a drizzle of sesame oil on top. And furikake if you’re feeling wealthy. The next night I put up a bacon, egg, and cheese not in a bagel but in a glazed honey bun. Laced with sriracha and pan fried on the outside. Then it’s chilaquiles with Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and chorizo. Jamaican beef patty casserole disrespected with a smothering of Japanese curry and broiled. With Crystal Hot Sauce over the top and pickled banana peppers. I’m trolling with that one but the controversy is berserk. When I run out of old videos, I make saag paneer naanchos with Trader Joe’s frozen Indian food, and it’s a hit. Especially when I add yogurt and a thick layer of crushed-up Takis on top.”

______________________________________________

看連續劇.

“Watch soap operas.” 

3. Find a way to escape. I’m generally pro technology but I’ll admit I’m a little bummed at the way iPhones and iPads have made TV viewing such an individual activity. I like how Disney+ has gotten some families back to watching TV together again. Although I will say, we really coddle our kids these days. I grew up in a time when movie ratings only applied in the theaters and we watched movies with our families like Alien, The Fly, and Gremlins. We were scared out of our minds and sometimes could only watch through the cracks between our fingers covering our eyes because it was so scary. Okay, this also might be why I can’t watch horror movies as an adult. 

From a young age, my parents taught me that watching other people’s drama unfold on screen is one of the best way to escape your own drama. Some people say binge watching became a thing when the TV networks started releasing shows on DVD. Others give credit to Netflix releasing their original content a whole season at a time. But truth be told, I first learned how to binge watch from my parents. 

We would rent 30-40 VHS cassette tapes from that random spot in Bellaire Chinatown. Can you picture it? You needed multiple plastic bags to transport that many VHS tapes. 

Do you remember the one about the dying mother who needed to find homes for each of her 7 children? I don’t think it’s normal for a 10 year old to cry so much but you better believe it’s made me learn the true value of a soap opera escape hatch. 

Are you in a pandemic? Now’s the perfect time to pick up that YA novel, binge that reality show, start that kdrama, or rewatch all six seasons of The Sopranos again.

______________________________________________

下個禮拜會下雨.

“It’s going to rain next week.”

4. Be informed about what’s ahead. If you ask either of my parents about the weather at any given time they can reliably tell you the daily percent chance of precipitation and humidity for at least seven days out. They’ve always been this way. They would inform me of the weather at various points throughout the week. They planned their yard work and car washes around the weather forecast. There’s something about the way the weather forecast is available to everyone. And it feels like it’s just a matter of making the small extra effort to access it and gain a slight advantage. I feel like so much of the immigrant mentality is to be diligent in making the right choices to not screw yourself over and seizing opportunities whenever you can. And it wasn’t just weather but this is such an obvious example of it. 

I remember my dad saying to me once, "Can you imagine if someone decided to read every book in their local library? If they just went shelf by shelf and systematically read all the books? You could do it, you know. It’s free, it doesn’t cost any money to check out a book from the library. But no one really does it.” 

I think immigrant parents get a bad reputation for forwarding chain letters and health/science hoaxes they get on email, WeChat and Line. And in a pandemic, yes, they are definitely susceptible to misinformation, rumors and flat out untruths. But the thought behind it seems right. 

The mistrust of government leadership is actually quite relevant right now in this pandemic. Many immigrants left countries with governments that were overtly corrupt, oppressive, and used propaganda to influence its citizens. And while many Americans still take pride in living in a country that verbally champions freedom and democracy, the truth is that our government has already failed us and lied to us in many ways. During this pandemic, we cannot wait on leaders to tell us what to do. We must be diligent in reading for ourselves, seeking experts, using our critical thinking skills, and making preparations accordingly.

______________________________________________

會不會冷?

“Are you cold?” 

5. Check in with yourself. Check in with others. I have so many memories of my parents walking through the living room and asking me and my sisters if we were cold. It felt like they couldn’t walk past the thermostat without asking us if they needed to raise it or lower it. As if they couldn’t hear us sneeze and wonder if they needed to turn off the ceiling fan. They couldn’t see us sitting in a dim room without turning on a light for us. There are so many times I fell asleep reading on the couch and woke up with a blanket over me. Or sometimes I was fully awake doing something random, like playing Egyptian Rat Screw with my sisters (a cardgame for the uninitiated), and my mom would walk by and wordlessly drop a warm, heavy blanket over my shoulders. That’s care, y’all. Consistent, immediate action, and often without words.  

The tip here is to pay attention to your discomfort during a pandemic. There’s this immigrant stereotype of stoicism and that’s true to some degree but maybe the resilience is made possible not because of unnatural toughness but largely because immigrant parents can also be so incredibly perceptive and tender in some very tangible ways. 

When everything is chaotic around you and you’re busy multitasking these next few months, don’t ignore your needs. Notice how you’re feeling. Physically and emotionally. Where are you carrying your stress and tension in your body? You don’t have to tough it out. Oh and remember to check in with your people on how they’re feeling. Is there a light switch you can turn on for someone? 

______________________________________________

笑死人.

“Laugh to death.” 

6. Laugh to survive. Look, we didn’t have the perfect family or anything like that. We’ve definitely had our share of difficult times, financial stress, health issues, arguments, and pain. But my parents also really knew how to laugh and taught us to laugh with abandon. Like, bent over, tears running out of your eyes, can’t breathe kind of laughing. Our dinner table was kind of like a writer’s room. It was difficult to tell a mediocre story. You had better come prepared with a punchline or a point. It was a tough crowd, every night. On many occasions I stopped myself halfway through a story upon the self-realization that there was no real way to land the plane. Polite laughs were nowhere to be found, except perhaps a charitable smile from my baby sister. But it didn’t stop us from trying. I think my sisters and I are all probably better storytellers for it and we definitely have learned to try to bring humor into difficult times.  

I know that this pandemic is so incredibly dark and depressing that it can sometimes feel disrespectful, inappropriate, or childish to laugh at anything. But my parents taught me that you laugh to survive. Nothing is ever so dark that you can’t find a reason to laugh. And sometimes you really need to find something to laugh about.

I’ve been taking long breaks each day from major media news outlets but I have been finding such joy and laughter from the meme creators on IG and the comedic geniuses on Twitter. In Taiwanese when something’s really funny, people will say a phrase that is imperfectly translated as laugh to death. Like you killed a person it was so funny. Now’s the time to find that content or those people who will get you to laugh to death. 

______________________________________________

我要去挪車.

“I’m going to go re-park the cars.” 

7. Go to bed with a plan for the next morning. I grew up in a suburb of Houston, Texas where one property developer built the entire neighborhood and used the same eight or nine floor plans for all the houses but changed up the brick and trim color to keep things interesting. Most homes have a long driveway that connects a garage set near the backdoor of a home to the street. By the time I was driving, we had four cars in total -- two in the garage and two on the driveway. At the end of the day when everyone was home for the night and my dad was getting ready to go to bed, he’d announce, “I’m going to go re-park the cars.” Then we’d all kind of stop what we were doing and rearrange the order of the cars to match our morning departure schedules. This meant figuring out who was leaving when in the morning and sometimes also prompted brief check-in conversations about any changes in our usual routine. 

In a pandemic it can sometimes feel like there are a million different things to attend to and large conceptual concerns that demand your attention. But there’s something calming and centering about spending a few minutes each night thinking through specifically what needs to happen just tomorrow. Not the day after or next week. Get super tactical and specific about what tomorrow morning looks like. Check-in with your partner about any aberrations to your schedule (e.g. I have a super important conference call at 7am tomorrow) to minimize any unnecessary surprises. There’s something magical about setting up your morning that helps you rest just a little easier at night. 

______________________________________________

星期三我們有禱告會.

“On Wednesdays we have prayer meeting.”

8. Make time for your spirituality. Growing up my parents both had physically demanding jobs. My mom was a seamstress for many years, providing alterations at my aunt and uncle’s dry cleaners. She later worked in an elementary school cafeteria and then eventually became a classroom aide for special needs students. My dad worked at that same dry cleaners for years until he got a job at the post office. He then became a letter carrier, delivering mail on foot. The summer months were especially grueling, carrying a heavy sack of mail in 100 degree, humid weather, and walking until sweat soaked his shirts and blisters formed on his feet. They had every excuse to skip weeknight events. But unless they were sick in bed, I can’t remember a time when they missed their weekly prayer meeting with their friends from church.  

Pandemics have an unsettling way of forcing us to confront our mortality and can trigger a bunch of unresolved shit that has been bubbling underneath the surface. We’ve lost some of our usual coping mechanisms and it can be super hard to quiet the anxieties, fears, and other demons that we usually try to keep under control. This isn’t a lecture about a particular faith or belief system. It’s just a reminder to prioritize your existential questions, your interior life, and your connection to things much bigger than yourself -- whether that’s a community, a yoga practice, a faith group, a tradition, or something else. 

I have a fledgling meditation practice that I’ve been trying to strengthen since last year. When I say fledgling I mean that sometimes I bail before the ten minutes is up and check my phone. Even though I’m not very good at it yet, I can really tell the difference on the days that I make time for it. Our church started hosting its weekly Sunday service online and that’s challenging for me because a church service feels like it’s designed to be so much about the physical rhythm of going to a place, seeing faces of people I love, hearing their voices co-mingling with mine in song and in prayer, and tasting the bread and wine in my mouth. The online service was short, and just for viewing through a zoom conference call, but there was still something meaningful about setting aside that time Sunday morning, asking our wiggly kids to be present, and saying the liturgy out loud knowing that in homes all across the country, other people are doing the same. 

If things are really going to get as bad as some are predicting, we’ll need the spiritual strength to make it to the other side. Those habits are hard to form overnight. My parents taught me that you really have to make the time for your spirituality non-negotiable, so that you won’t abandon it when it’s inconvenient or when you are too tired.    

______________________________________________

沒辦法.

“What choice do we have?” 

9. Rise to the occasion. Whenever my parents are telling old war stories about things they had to do to get to where they are today, inevitably one of us will say, “Man that’s crazy, how did you manage to do it?” And instead of pointing to some super personality trait of theirs or some complex self-help principle, they always say, “We had no choice.” It’s not said in a defeated way, but in a posture of accepting that life can be cruel, unfair, and capricious. And that it’s not helpful to dwell too long on the why’s and how’s. My parents taught me that you can’t stay in despair mode. You eventually have to push yourself into problem solving mode and you do whatever it takes to move forward.  

This coronavirus is so unlike anything we’ve ever experienced in our lifetime. It is so unprecedented for me that my brain is having a hard time processing the reality of what’s happening right now and the rest of my lived experience. I spent the first few days of this week just being overwhelmed, anxious, angry, and irritable. At this point though, I’m in go mode. I’m doing what needs to be done for our family and taking care of business. What choice do we have? I can hear my parents saying it. One day, if we’re lucky, we’ll say it to our kids too. 

[purplesurveys]

1045

surveys by lets-make-surveys 1 - What did you do to celebrate your last birthday? Did you get any decent gifts? Guh I honestly barely want to recognize my birthday this year because 2020 has been a huge waste of my time...but fine, I guess I’m 22. It had been during the peak of the quarantine/pandemic, so we had no choice but to stay home. I just played the Switch all morning, then I think I watched my dad play video games, and then Angela and Hans sent over a box of sushi to our place. Real chill day.

2 - What was the last “random act of kindness” you experienced? It was my first day at the office today and I had to go up and down the stairs several times to bring packages to delivery riders, since I had to send those out to certain people. A member of the maintenance staff in the area was super nice and offered to carry some of the boxes for me, since he saw how much I was struggling with the boxes.

3 - Have you ever “paid it forward” by putting money behind the counter somewhere so the next person can get a free coffee or similar? Not yet. I’d love to be able to do that soon.

4 - What caused the last injury that made you bleed? Was it a serious injury? I was trying to open a bottle of soju last night but the cap just would not budge. Next thing I knew my finger was already bleeding. Never got to drink my soju :(

5 - Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Are you close to that person at all? One of the delivery riders who took my package earlier. Bless his soul, he was very new to the delivering thing and I think I was his first-ever customer, and he kept asking for my help. I did my best for a while but eventually I had to tell him I genuinely did not know how to answer some of his questions as I wasn’t a driver myself.

6 - What was the last item you received in the mail? Something I had ordered online. It was the gift I’m planning to give my grandma for Christmas.

7 - When was the last time you received flowers? What kind were they? A year ago, I think. It was a single stem of a rose. We were saving up last year hahaha so I had gotten her a single stem as well.

8 - Are you a fan of salted caramel? What about other “odd” combinations like sea salt and chocolate or chilli and chocolate? Ooh, I didn’t know salted caramel was considered odd; it’s a pretty common flavor here and has even gotten more popular in the last few years. I like it as a flavor in desserts, like cupcakes with salted caramel frosting. When it comes to food, I’m generally open-minded and will try any combination that exists at least once; that said, chili and chocolate sound especially intriguing haha. I’ve only ever tried chili ice cream, which was delicious.

9 - Do you enjoy watching bloopers or outtakes from TV shows? If so, which series do you think has the funniest ones? Yes. Bloopers in general are great but it’s best when they come from shows that have a reputation for being more drama-heavy and serious - that said, Breaking Bad bloopers are the fucking best. ‘Bloopers’ from animated movies are hilarious too; they were always made so well too that as a kid, I legit thought the characters were actual actors as it never crossed my mind that animators would take the extra effort and time to make bloopers out of fictional characters and that they had to be real actors in some way lol.

10 - What’s your favourite dessert food? OMG macarons for the win. I’ve been craving them so much. Cheesecake is great too, and also cupcakes.

11 - Do you have any really dangerous wild animals where you live? Have you ever encountered any of them? Nope only stray dogs and cats, and probably some chickens somewhere.

12 - Have you ever dreamed of owning your own shop? What kind of thing would you like to sell? I’ve never dreamed of this; it’s never been a goal of mine and running a business doesn’t sound like my kind of thing.

13 - Are you a twin? If not, would you ever want to be a twin? If you are a twin, do you ever wish you weren’t? No. I’ve never really found myself wishing for it, either.

14 - Do you prefer wearing your hair straight or curly? Maybe just a little wavy. Definitely not in the extreme of either side of the spectrum.

15 - Would you ever want to go and visit the moon? If I had the chance and everything was paid for and stuff, hell yeah. It’d be cool to get to cross out one of my childhood bucket list items.

16 - What was the last hot drink you had? What about cold drink? Or alcoholic drink? My last hot drink was...probably the coffee I asked my mom to make last Friday, but I did wait it out until it was considerably cooler as I didn’t want to drink it hot. My last cold drink is the iced caramel macchiato I ordered tonight and still have with me at the moment. Then for alcoholic drink, I had soju mixed with Yakult about two weeks ago.

17 - Does anything on your body hurt or ache right now? My lower back, unsurprisingly. I also cut my right middle finger trying to open a soju bottle last week, andddd I gained a blister on my right foot today because of the shoes I picked to wear for work.

18 - When was the last time you struggled to get to sleep? Was there was a specific reason for that? I can’t remember exactly when, but it happened within the last week or the last two weeks. Sometimes I just drink too much coffee during the day that it affects how sleepy I’d ultimately feel at night.

19 - What three countries would you most like to visit? Morocco, India, and Thailand.

20 - Who’s your closest friend from another country? How did you come to meet this person? I don’t really have one anymore...I’ve grown apart from my internet friends from different countries a long time ago, and I also don’t tend to keep up friendships with my friends who’ve since migrated from the Philippines to another country. I suppose the one I’m on best terms with is Angel who migrated to Toronto around a decade ago; but I use ‘best’ very loosely as the most we do is comment on one another’s posts whenever we reach like a life accomplishment, like when we graduated college.

21 - When was the last time you had a cold? With everything going on in the news, did you worry that it was COVID? It’s been a while. I can’t remember; it was definitely pre-Covid.

22 - As of today (10th December, 2020) the COVID vaccine is being rolled out in the UK. Are you going to have it once it’s available to you (if it ever is)? A part of me is a little concerned because I know vaccines take years and sometimes even decades to be fully developed, but that doesn’t mean I don’t trust doctors and science. I very much do, of course. It’s just that I’d personally prefer to wait it out first to see if it’ll have any negative effects once rolled out on a massive scale.

23 - What are your favourite websites to browse when you’re bored? Wikipedia black holes are the way to go.

24 - Do you think people should have to pass a test in order to own pets? A local animal welfare NGO already does that; Nina had to go through several tests before she was allowed to adopt Arlee. There was a verbal interview, a written form she had to fill out, and a representative from the organization even visited our house to see if it was a suitable environment for Arlee; I’m sure there was a few more steps she was required to undergo. I certainly think it’s a good and responsible process. 

25 - When was the last time you fell asleep/had a nap during the day? Is this something that happens often? It’s been monthssssssssss. I don’t really take naps during the day anymore.

26 - Do you suffer/have you ever suffered with bad acne? What kind of things did you do to try and improve it? I’ve never had issues with acne and was always rather fortunate when it comes to my skin. I’ll have a pimple or two show up once or twice a year, but they go away within a week or so. Since I don’t want to jinx it, I just wash my face with water and I’ve never experimented with any skincare products ever.

27 - When you think about it, do you think it’s odd that we stop drinking human milk at a young age, but we happily drink milk from other species instead? Not really.

28 - How’s the weather where you are? Is this a good or a bad thing for you? These days it’s humid and hot during the day (as always), but now that it’s Christmas season the weather tends to plunge to like 24-26C during nighttime. I’d say the night part is good for me as I prefer being cold than hot, so I’m glad we’ll be having this weather until March at most.

29 - When was the last time you ate a pizza? What toppings did you get? Tuesday. Relatives came over then and my cousin got us pizzas. I don’t remember what toppings he got but both pizzas had stuffed crust in it.

30 - How often do you wear make-up? What kind of make-up do you wear? Wow, almost never. Gab used to put makeup on me but now that she’s gone, I don’t really see myself wearing makeup for the meantime as I definitely wouldn’t apply them onto myself. 

--

1 - If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? Eh, sometimes. Sometimes it’ll do what it’s supposed to and make me stay up for a while, but other times it doesn’t work and I’ll end up getting sleepy the same time I usually start feeling so.

2 - When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? Watching videos has eternally worked for me.

3 - Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? Hmm I met my co-workers Ysa and Bea for the first time today, if it counts. I’ve only ever talked to them through Viber since we’re on a WFH set-up, but we had to go to the office today to fix up some boxes that we needed to get delivered. But the last person that I really hadn’t met nor spoken to before was Jhomar, the company messenger who takes care of pickups for the day. 

4 - If you have a pet, have they ever embarrassed you in public or in front of friends or family members? What happened? Kimi is typically unfriendly towards strangers, so as cute and cuddly as he looks he would probably bite your finger off. I’ve had to explain that to guests who’ve felt puzzled about his demeanor. He’s my little baby though and I wouldn’t say he’s embarrassed me because of it. Cooper on the other hand is hyper-friendly to the point that he looks aggressive and it has scared some people away; in reality, he’s always SO pumped to meet anyone and everyone and can never contain his excitement haha. He’s literally the nicest dog.

5 - Do you leave the house every single day? I never leave the house, except if it’s to withdraw cash or go to the Starbucks drive through to pick up a coffee.

6 - Would you rather spend the day at the beach, or a day in the snow in the mountains? I would normally pick beach, but I think the mountains would be best for me at the moment.

7 - Do you prefer tops that are plain, or ones with patterns/logos/slogans? Plain.

8 - Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? I’ll watch Spongebob every now and then. When I’m bored and have enough time on my hands I’ll sometimes watch other shows from my childhood just for that nostalgia wave, like Barney or Hannah Montana.

9 - How many texts would you say you send on an average day? Used to be hundreds, but now it’s probably like...5, on average. Sometimes I’ll need to text media for work and that’ll come up to around 15-20 texts but that happens only occasionally, like once every two weeks.

10 - Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? I never know what to buy for people. I like buying gifts for a significant other, though. I tend to spoil one to no end.

11 - Girls - if you get periods, do you suffer from period pain or any other horrible symptoms? I get the hormonal symptoms, but the physical symptoms are almost never there. My stomach will usually contract in a way that tells me it’s coming soon, but it never really aches. Most of the time, I just cry and mope a lot and that’s how I know it’s on its way, ha.

12 - The last time you were in a car, where you were travelling to? Were you the driver or a passenger? I was headed back home. but I came from the office. I was the driver as always.

13 - Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? I took myself out on a date.

14 - What book do you wish they’d make into a film or TV series? The Septimus fucking Heap series, please. They’ve been trying to get it made into a movie series for years but as far as I know the talks have always fallen through.

15 - The age old question - do you prefer coke or pepsi? That’s a big ‘or’ for me. I don’t drink soda.

16 - What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? Bea took over the office TV earlier and she had it set to a BTS + Taylor Swift music video playlist so that we had background music while working. No, neither are my artists of choice, really.

17 - Do you have a favourite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? Pro wrestling (a seriously underrated documentary subject) and crime. Documentaries on anthropological issues or discoveries are great as well. I do love history, but I prefer to absorb it in text/museum form.

18 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks? What snack would you say is your overall favourite? Savoryyy. I get tired of sweet snacks pretty quickly. My current favorites to munch on are any salted egg flavored chips.

19 - Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? It can be harder to breathe and I get exhausted a lot faster with a mask on, but I keep it on because I would want to keep other people safe and because it’s so easy to keep a damn mask on.

20 - Do you prefer zip-up or overheard hoodies? Either is fine.

21 - If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? I prefer the rooftop, and if I do go there I usually stay for a few hours during the evening just to have some time to myself. Being in a house with four adults can get pretty overwhelming and taxing sometimes.

22 - When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? I think it was for Valentine’s Day last year. If not, it was for the anniversary which was a week after Valentine’s Day.

23 - How often do you get takeaway? What’s your favourite thing to order? I don’t really do takeout. I usually dine-in or have food delivered to my place.

24 - Do you own a lot of clothing items in your favourite colour? What is your favourite colour, anyway? I don’t have a lot of clothes in pink. It’s not my best color, but I like it in everything else hahaha.

25 - When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? Idk probably a sleepover at Gab’s place early this year.

26 - Would you ever be interested in seeing a live magic show? Sure. Magic shows are already a staple at kids’ birthday parties here, and I’ve always enjoyed them especially since magicians are quite the comedians too.

27 - What’s your favourite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? I don’t have a favorite period per se but I’ve always had an affinity for the royalty. I like reading all about them, no matter what period they reigned or what house/country they’re from. Historians have kept impressive and super detailed accounts or records for most of them, so reading about their lives has also allowed me to learn more about the culture they lived through.

28 - Do you still use or carry cash, or do you pay for everything via card? I heavily rely on cash and I actually realized how behind I am just today, when Bea ordered lunch for the office. I paid her with cash and she looked at me all puzzled and was like, “Can you do bank transfer instead?” another big girl stuff I had to learn lol. Everyone in college used cash pls forgive me

29 - Are there any TV shows that remind you of your grandparents for some reason? Not really.

30 - Have you ever had to wear a tie for school or work? If not, do you know how to tie a tie without looking it up? I had a necktie as part of my uniform in my old school. I never knew how to tie it and always asked someone else to do it for me whenever it came loose.

[euphoriacrossing]

The closer we get the more my anxiety plays up...

What if I can't keep up with my journal that I worked so hard on?

What if I mess up something I can't change on my island? (I don't WANT to have to reset, but if it's the first day i will... i don't want to have to reset two or three days in because i change my mind about something...)

And the bigger ones.... I've been so tired I can barely stay awake two or three hours at a time. I can't do a whole lot of recreational things because I'm asleep. Right now I'm attributing it to depression, but I am going to ask my oncologist if maybe the meds could cause it (the meds I DID stop, but thay messed with my hormones anyway) or if the slight bit of anemia I have could cause it maybe? What if I am not awake enough to fully enjoy the game?

I go to the oral surgeon I think for a consultation to get some teeth pulled, what if he wants to do it anytime soon after the game is out? Will it mess with my enjoybility to have that kind of procedure? (Last time I had teeth out... my wisdom teeth I did very poorly, I got two dry sockets and was in some of the worst pain... I was LUCKY to be able to sleep as much as I did, because the pain was awful. And I followed instructions, so I don't know if I am more prone to those kinds of things or if it was the fact he didn't tell me to stop my birth control or what... but it was bad. And now I have a much higher tolerance to pain meds and will have to use the ones I'm ON so they'll be less effective probably. I'll die if I get a dry socket. Pain tolerance, mine is high until you get to my mouth and then I'm an absolute crybaby.) So say he wants to do it the Monday after... will I be out of commission to play for two weeks or more while I recover? I know this sounds more important, but to me the game is important, too. I want to be able to put in at least some work daily for quite a while so I can create a beautiful island at the same time others who start on the 20th are. So it may not seem like a huge deal, but it is to me okay? Enough of a huge deal for my anxiety to use it against me.

Those are just examples though. I have an anxiety disorder which in past years has become more generalized and entwined with my bipolar symptoms. So I am in no short supply of things related to the 20th to be anxious about.

I wish I could just be happy. And I mean, I am. We have less than a week and I'll be playing a game that is 7 years in the making for those of us that play Animal Crossing. I've been waiting with baited breath probably more than a year, to the point where when Pokemon Sw/Shld came out it was just a distraction instead of the main event, at that point I was already craving New Horizons desperately. And here we are nearly at the end of our waiting, I am happy, don't get me wrong.

But my mind never just let's me be happy.

What if I am too late to make friends in the first few days like I've planned? Everyone else seems to already have their friendships, but I knew I couldn't keep up with a friendship that long. So here is the week to make friends, and I don't feel I know how, or I feel like most people already have their friends. I have maybe two people besides my sister to play with. And I'm excited for that. But I'd love to be included in a larger group of friends or something, you know, that sort of thing is nice. If I only have a few close friends though, that'd be nice too. And i think the first few days it seems people might just be playing on their own, i don't always NEED someone to play with, I'll probably prefer to play alone, or maybe with my sister mostly, or just my close friend when I play. But it's just i guess i expected to use this opportunity to make more friends and now i feel i am wasting it. I don't often have such an "easy way" to make friends because I am disinterested in most things and just don't have a lot to talk about. This common interest is an amazing thing to talk about and should make things easier, but it doesn't as much as I hoped I guess.

What if I don't finish my journal? I worked so hard on it, but i need my dad's help with the label maker and need to finalize the decisions about what I'm going to record in it before I do make the labels. It can still be changed later because I am using labels on plastic tabs and a discbound journal but what if I don't have time once i'm playing?

Ugh. Just all the "what ifs". And I know some people will think "why'd she bother making this post?" Well random person, it does help to get them out in the open. Since most everything I have been thinking has been AC related lately, this has turned into a bit of a personal blog. Sorry for that. I do plan to make it a New Horizons blog and post as much original content as I can once ACNH is out.

Oh another one. What if posting original content is too hard?

Like, I want this blog to have original content and all that, but if you have to remove your memory card and get on a computer to do it, that's a lot of trouble and extra energy I don't have these days. And you had to do that for New Leaf and everyone did including myself, but I had more energy and it seemed easier. And it seems like it was less effort those days because people DID THINGS on the computer including myself. Now I use my phone and ipad as computers, you can do almost all the same things on them, and my laptop sits idle which might be the reason it doesn't run as well these days. Or it may just be that it's old as crap for a laptop. I mean, I guess it's moderately old for what it is, it's a very nice laptop, but I think it's the same one I had for New Leaf so it's been with me a while. Anyway, it SEEMED like less trouble because you were on the computer doing stuff anyway, so just pop your memory card in there and go while you're checking your stuff. It's not that easy on a phone, BUT I am hoping you can post photos and screenshots to SOMETHING through the Nooklink app. We don't know everything about the app yet as it isnt out yet, and I doubt you can post straight to tumblr (though that'd make things easy, huh?) because this is not the most used platform anymore, but if I can post them to anywhere (like facebook or twitter... I'd probably post them privately to facebook because I am less versed in twitter stuff, but then I did recently become an AC twitter on my personal twitter because I never used my personal twitter anyway, so... yeah...) I can grab them on my phone once they are uploaded and reupload them here. But I also plan to make my "diary like" text posts here. I am not recording a diary in my journal having to do with NH, I only want like... data and information I can use, etc. But that doesn't mean I won't want to write diary like entries, and I am less likely to lose my blog that a physical journal anyway it feels. (I say less likely... I lost my New Leaf blog for a few years there, but with effort I did recently find it.) So it could be very easy to post original content here, or if the app doesn't do things it really totally should, then it might be a bit more effort and I don't know if I have that to give right now, so I'm nervous about that. Everything I post here about my game experience is going to be more for me to look back on than anything, so I WANT to be able to post about that stuff here. But I guess we'll have to wait to see, along with waiting for the game.

And everyone knows how well waiting and anxiety get along. They are two peas in a pod, they play off each other like it's no one's business.

But I hope everything in the end will just be okay. I am "lucky" in a way. Since I'm chronically ill, disabled, and have cancer, I don't have work or school to worry about and while being sick is a big bummer, that does take a lot of stress off of me. I don't know how I would handle a job or school even just mentally these days, I don't see how it could go well and I guess that is because I am so sick, even just mentally... but I know a lot of disabled people DO still do those things anyway, sometimes because they HAVE to, so I am glad I am in a position at my age where I am still largely take care of. My disability money doesn't cover a fraction of my necessities, so I feel blessed everyday for my parents, even though my mom and I fight like cats and dogs. Annnndddd now I am getting to be anxious about what happens to me when my parents are gone and that's a WHOLE different type of anxiety... yikes... I need to stop letting my anxiety run rampant now I guess, it's gone too far.

But I am very "lucky" to be in a position where once the game comes out it can be my main focus for a while. Partially because i don't have the energy to focus on many different things, so it's good Animal Crossing can take up that main spot in my life for now.

Come on now, back to AC anxieties. Ya stupid general anxiety...

And I guess I am anxious about the typical things people are anxious about... what fruit will I get, will I like my first Islanders, etc. but to me those things arent as major. All the fruits are so pretty I could really get on with any of them I think, and hopefully my first villagers will be great, but I'll make myself a net if they're not, and I do have amiibo cards for moving in some of my favorite villagers later on, so I can deal with a dud or two.

I'm a little anxious about map layouts too, just picking the right one seems a little difficult to me since there are some things you cannot change. But I think I can make a good choice, I'm more worried if I'll be able to draw it in for my journal or not. I should draw the general layout for the map, but I don't even know if I can do that right.

Oh I also have a package to finish working on and get in the mail before Friday, BUT I finished the hardest parts (writing a bunch of postcards, basically a latter's worth of text but on postcards) last night, so I just have to do finishing touches and get it out. I maybe want to type another letter to send out, too, but if I don't get it done I'll try not to beat myself up. I got really burnt out on mail stuff lately and as much as I still get, which is about one or two things in the mail daily, I can't reply to all the things I should. I'm stressed about it, but I won't let that ruin my New Horizons time. Especially since mail was supposed to be a fun hobby for me and just... stopped. But that's a whole different thing, that has less to do with New Horizons than the other stuff.

Now I genuinely do feel less stressed since I rambled on for a while. Thanks for reading this, if you read any of it. I don't expect anyone to read all this anxiety inducing, depressing junk.

But anyway, now I am going to try and think about the Nooklink app and what kind of features I think it should have. Like I said, it really should have a way to post screenshots/pictures to social media, and I bet it's got something like that since we have the camera in game. I bet we maybe even can post pictures to social media from the switch. I mean, well, I know we can technically, but I mean I bet we can without having to leave the game. Because you can do that in New Leaf now. Gosh would that have been handy YEARS ago. I guess it came with the "welcome amiibo" update?

But at least we know we can scan in QR codes. I dunno if you've noticed but I have been collecting some and tagging them (you can find them under the "QR" tag on my blog, or by type of QR code, likes dresses I just tagged "dress") so I have them once we are able to use them in game. I am going to check my @playtimewithmadi blog to see if I have QR codes saved that I used in New Leaf, too, so I can reblog any good ones here. All of that gives me something to do, I suppose.

I could also work on my journal, or my mail. Both need to get done before Friday and need work.

But honestly, I am probably gonna play Happy Home Designer right now. I'll design at least one house, and then maybe I'll work on my mail and journal stuff. We'll see.

Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me, I love everyone who stays subbed to this blog even though the BS posts like this. Sorry for rambling on, but I needed this, so thank you for letting me have it.

Off to more distraction then...

[tatooedlaura-blog]

Cooking

the series read as follows:

Superman … Monday … Cheezy Pouffs … Bacon … Stumbling … Trail Mix …  Punch … Friday … Preparation … Uncle Mudler … Normal … Backseat … Mudler-sense … The FBI … Unthinkable … Patience ... Elephant Jokes

___________________

The next three days were a blur for Scully. She had to leave Mulder home with Maggie as well as the children, scared and scarred but attempting to front with a calm that gave them away as frightened of their own shadows and everything else in the world. The four parents couldn’t get home without paying exorbitant amounts of money and dealing with three days of layover/circuitous route travel so it was Sam, brave heart and soul, whom, that first morning after Scully went to work, spoke for the group, relaying the firm and utterly untrue message of ‘we are fine and we will see you when you get back.”

Maggie watched him deliver his lie to speakerphone-anxious parents, then hang up, tears shining but unfallen as he sniffed hard, turning to regard everyone shorter than him, “we’re gonna stop crying about our parents. They are on vacation and they need it so we’re gonna let them stay on it. Understand?”

Every one of them from four to eight nodded solemnly, wiping tears with small fists and sleeving running noses until they looked ready for the world again, Jake speaking first, “we should make dinner.”

So out of left field with that one that the rest agreed, moving Uncle Mudler bodily into the kitchen and making a list of foods they needed from the store. They searched cupboards and opened cabinets and debated courses and meats and sides and salads and desserts until they were all starving and drooling and desperate for sustenance. They ate PB&J sandwiches before Mulder and the older two trooped to the store, list in hand and concrete promises that they would not deviate without the sole and express permission of the other three by way of phone call.

Then they cooked, mashed, steamed, buttered, salted, baked and boiled until the entire house smelled delectable and Toby decided that Aunt Dana should come home right then so she could smell the food and eat with them. Mulder gently told him there was a good chance she wouldn’t be home for several days so he instead asked to call her and let her know what they’d made for dinner. It was then that he popped Toby up on the counter to look him square in the eye, as all men do, “if we call her right now and tell her we made pot roast and smashed potatoes and garlic bread, she will immediately quit her job and come home to dinner and eat it all and we will get none. How about we make her a plate and if she gets home tonight and you’re awake, you can help me heat it up for her; otherwise, she’ll have it whenever she gets here.”

Toby accepted this and nodded, sliding down to the floor and going to inform the rest of them that they had to save Aunt Dana a plate.

Mulder hung his head for a moment, hands firmly on the counter holding him, floor staring up cheerfully with its polished shine that defied the hundreds of feet that passed over it daily. Toby wasn’t the only one who wanted to call her.

&&&&&&&&&&

He was exhausted by the end of the evening, helping Maggie, bathing small children, telling non-scary stories to them all before finally getting them to remain in their own beds, upstairs and together, with bribes of stacked pancakes and bacon in the morning. One ear on the sleepers, he pulled open the sofa bed, then sat down, lacking will and energy to do more than stare at the wall for several minutes before finally losing the battle.

Picking up the house phone, he dialed her, wondering which Scully would answer.

“Hi.”

That threw him off immediately, “Scully?”

As she stood in the locker room, forehead against the cool metal of her temporary clothes keeper, looking down at her messy scrubs and stained shoes, “tell me again why I’m a doctor who works for the FBI?”

His voice, tired, strong, satin, soothing, “because you are you and love your job 99% of the time.”

Normally, she held it together just fine, tornadoes, flesh-eaters, homicidal cats, weirdest shit in the history of the world but that second in time, connected only by sound and not touch, she wavered, words cracked, syllables quavered, “I want a hug.”

He fought the urge to get in the car, muscles coiled to drive, foot already pressing the accelerator, “I can’t come down to give you one … I’m sorry.”

She could hear the anguish in his voice at not being able to give her what she asked and it made her feel a modicum better, knowing he would if he had any means possible, “it’s okay. I know you can’t leave right now.” Turning, she sat on the wooden bench between rows, “tell me something good from today instead.”

Mulder, in racking brain fashion, took a moment to unearth something, anything, to make her smile, “Hannah discovered that if you tickle Toby just as he’s breathing in, he belches.”

Her laugh echoed, bouncing off silent walls, giving her enough of a boost not to cry the rest of her life away, “how did she discover that?”

“Total accident. I finally had to make them stop before Toby booted all over the countertop.”

“Booted?”

“Puked, vomited, heaved, tossed cookies, I’m branching out with my verbs, don’t fence me in.”

“Did you give them all hugs from me?” She craved any news of home, anything not related to burned flesh and dead friends, “did you get them all to sleep upstairs or are they down with you still?” Mulder answered, continuing the conversation for another ten minutes until Scully interrupted him, “hang on.” Coming back on the line a second later, “that was the tech saying the room is clean and …”

Her trailing off told him the next victim was on the table and she had to go back to work, “I love you and I’ll call you tomorrow morning. Maybe bring you some breakfast if you’d like.”

The thought of food turned her stomach and wincing, “how about another phone call if I’m not home yet? I don’t know that I can handle actual food right now.”

“Maybe I’ll just bring you some more crackers and yogurt?”

She’d packed a cooler full of them that morning, eating only when her body told her it was calories or collapse, “I’d like that and I love you, too.”

He wanted to ask who she’d identified so far but his heart couldn’t take it, not this late in the evening so he left it hanging there, the question floating aimlessly in the atmosphere, to be plucked down and answered sometime in the future.

Scully heard the unasked, “g’night, Mulder.”

“’Night, Scully.”

&&&&&&&&&

He didn’t sleep, listening for nightmares from all corners of the house, anticipation driving away rest, a blurry-eyed, clumsy Mulder welcoming the day and somewhat better rested children at 7am.

He burned the pancakes.

He undercooked the bacon.

He spilled the milk and dropped the plates.

He tripped the Sam.

He elbowed the Betsy.

He felt so bad he gave them all brownies for dessert and vowed to take them to the movies for double features and extra large popcorns.

Sam patted him on the back and told him to go take a nap, that he would get the dishes done and after Maggie volunteered to spearhead any and all activities for the next few hours, Mulder crashed on Scully’s old bed upstairs, Sam’s presently, snoring before he hit the sheets.

&&&&&&&&&

That second night, around eight, with children tired and yawning, with Maggie insisting and Betty prodding, he packed up food and headed out into the night.

Scully sat quietly against the wall, hidden from view, head back, eyes closed, nearly feeling bad about her television doctor cliché posture and expression but nearly wasn’t enough and since she opted not to give a shit about her appearance after 48 hours straight of identifying bodies, she remained in the dark, wallowing in misery-filled solitude.

Until large, gym shoe ensconced feet appeared in front of her, shoes at the end of skinny legs and low-riding white socks. Crouching Mulder came into view a moment later, stack of Tupperware settling on the floor, hand moving to grip her knee, eyes sad, worried, concerned, take your descriptive pick, whispering into her forehead as he leaned into her, “the kids made you dinner.”

That, of all things, made her cry. Just one solitary tear but still, she swiped angrily at it, reminding Mulder of her nieces and nephews, “they made me dinner?”

“You didn’t get to eat what they made yesterday so they cooked again today and said I had to bring it to you. Maggie and Betty joined in and the pressure was too much and here I am. I left your mom in charge with Betty as backup so I imagine there’ll be a card party going in about 10 minutes.” He could see the second tear revving up at the thought of home and ignoring food and passers-by, he sat down beside her, pulling head to shoulder, lips grazing hair, remaining against her, warm breath into crown of head, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t come earlier.”

Shifting, she disregarded the cold tile and scooted until she was lying with her head on his thigh, dirty floor be damned, “I’m so tired, Mulder.”

Hand now on shoulder, he rubbed his thumb over the roundness, trailing her collar bone every so often, “do you want to go find a couch or something to lay down on?”

No answer came.

And he sat patiently … unmoving … unruffled … unapologetic … to the few weary technicians and personnel that walked quietly by, several whispering offers of a futon down the hall or a spare pullout bed but he declined, murmuring back that they were just fine.

[wishhbones]

Wednesday, November 1st, 2017 -- 1:11 am

I type this as she is asleep beside me. 

I believe I met her at a swim meet during junior year of high school. I was a 15 year old boy. Hungry for attention and eager to please for it. This is our love story.

It doesn’t matter who I was around or which other girl I was attempting to flirt. I knew I wanted Valerie the most. Fuck, I think everyone knew that. The night of the swim meet we skyped for 7-8 hours into the night about Metallica and my bucket list. She has strict parents so this fact means a lot to me. I texted her everyday and like a fuckboy would say my “goodnight sweetdreams” and “good morning <3″. I wanted to get in her pants and thought I was being sly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But the more I talked to her I realize I had finally met my match. She’s funnier than me, smart; and not to mention, stunning. I’m sure of I’ve been caught a numerous amount of times staring. Just. Staring. The best part was, she would just.. stare back. I could feel the energy oscillate between us telling me that she wanted what I wanted. 

But what do I want now.......

.

I want her to be mine. 

I can’t let any other person take away this opportunity.

But

She wasn’t ready. 

.

.

And I lost it. I wanted beg... and I probably did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

She wanted to stay as friends. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I assumed I’d be kept on a leash and be forced to watch her kiss another man.

So I left.. And she resented me, but at the time I don’t think she understood why. Through rumours I know she called me a bitch and such. okay :/

Time passed and when I would hear her name my heart would skip a beat. An equivalent to when its about to be your turn to present your project to the class. I swear I had arrhythmia too (I actually went to see a doctor about this, anyway I want to believe but I cant prove that she is the cause. o well)

She ended up dating a teammate from my swim team. Fucking hell. Of course it’s the fastest guy on the team. Of course she doesn’t want a mediocre fuck like me. This is what she wanted the whole time I thought. I hate her.

I think there was a time here where we felt interest for each other again, but she was still with him. It wasn’t right for me to take a woman away from her man. She knew it was immoral to keep flirting with me. 

It’s time for me to move on. I hated myself for hating myself. I stopped talking to Valerie. I found a girl who went on to became my lover and prom queen. And on Prom day, guess who came crying. Not my girl lol. I did feel bad. No one deserves to cry after this much preparation and in front of this many people, but I don’t think she would have let me approach her (I asked her recently, she said I should have lol).

There’s something I want to confess. Even though my prom queen was lovely. I had Valerie on my mind. All the time. I left her for the purpose of wanting a new opportunity, and guess who I went to right away. You guessed it. Val. She had newly become single and I wanted her like always.

Valerie wasn’t ready. Again...... And again she went off with someone else.......... I should have learned the first time :c

The summer after that year, I was able to witness her on the day she left that man. I’d pay good money to see that shit, but I saw it for free instead. I made her laugh that day with my awful singing. That’s a (+1) for my ego.

I want her. I crave her. I am desperately curious to know what she tastes like.

One time she actually let me come over to catch up on life. It was around the time where she had recently let go of her best friend (and mine at the time). I truly remember this distinct moment where we walked through her kitchen and I wanted to kiss her by her fridge. I didn’t. Also when she invited me to her room and I sat on her bed. God, I wanted to grab her and kiss her passionately like in the Notebook. I didn’t.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After leaving, I texted her about how I felt a connection again and that I wanted more. I think she went along the lines of, “we’ll see how life turns out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”. Yeah, I asked her out like 3 times in a 6 month span after that. All “No”s.

But, why did she still talk to me... Does she only like the attention give to her. Thats probably it. When she’s lonely she comes to me for attention, gets high from it until she finds someone else. (This is actually what I assumed at the time).

Well, during May 2016, we clicked again. It felt real. She even said over the phone that she missed being friends with me. (idk how to insert a crying emoji here. i dont use a macintosh). We were due for a Blink 182 concert in a few months, except I had to buy my ticket separately from her and her friends. I was pumped, were finally taking off.

Well, hold your fucking horses because I was supposed to see her one weekend back from Ottawa and she stopped me. In fact, she didn’t want to continue what we had going on because she wanted to work on herself. She said she couldn’t produce her own happiness and I while I do agree that this is a very valid reason, I was fucking disappointed again.

A month goes by and I send her a regretful essay over text pouring my heart out and saying something along the lines of, “dont even msg me on my birthday, youre gonna ruin it :’(”

Another month goes by and I learn that she invited my best friend, Jeremy to go to the Blink 182 concert. She had an extra ticket. Another month goes by and I learn that she has a new boyfriend..................... 

just fucking kill me now.

It is September 2016, I fall into a deep depression. Stay high in my room. Skip class and eventually drop out of school like a fucking miscarriage. December rolls in and I find myself at home. A disappointed family surrounds me at the Christmas lit dinner table. Everyone is quiet and afraid to ask me how things are going. No one asked me actually.

My aunt gave me a self help book as my Christmas gift and I learned a very simple and great lesson. “Awareness is the first step towards Change”

I wanted to get better. I wanted to change from what I had become.

I applied to work at the pool.... which happened to be the same pool Valerie would supervise at... I carefully picked hours when she was not there. I dreaded that I would see her... but I was also sad that I didn’t see her. Strange. Anyway, I needed to reset my work ethic and picked all early bird shifts Monday to Friday. I invested over a thousand dollars into recording equipment to jump start my life as a musician. I rehearsed songs to play at open mic events. I flirted with girls again. I got back in shape doing cross fit. Soon after that, I got my first step into a job related to my field of study. I began working for Hibar Systems, an engineering firm dedicated to building high quality pneumatic pumps and assembly lines, as a Jr. Project Manager.

My life began to pick up again. Things were going great and I felt like I was finally moving on from Valerie....

One day, I decided to text her over Instagram probably about how dumb she looked in her profile pic. Apparently, it was great timing. I soon learned that she had gone through a life changing event just recently and wanted to break up with her boyfriend. I tried hard to act as a neutral body and give support.

On July 16th, Jeremy had tickets to go see Metallica. This was my first ever show and was ready to shit my pants. He had extra tickets though. So who did I hit up? ... Valerie.

And she said “yes” !

That night she told me that she only listened to Metallica because of me.. and that she thought at some point in the night that she was in love with me. Ain’t no drug can me higher than that. We had some great closure that evening. I learned that she was afraid to date me in case of the consequence that our breakup would mean the end of seeing me. That at least when were not together, I come around periodically (when im not ghosting on her) and thats better than never seeing me again.

A few days later on the 18th, I drove her back to her apartment from a get together with her friends. 

That night she broke up with her boyfriend. 

That night I kissed her. 

That night she told me, “Thanks for never giving up on me.”

It has been 6 years since I first met her. Now, I type this on her laptop as she is asleep beside me. I love her.

-Kevin ‘Konkon’ Chung

[imnoexpertblog]

Don't Stress, You're Blessed

This is the Health & Beauty Blog! I’m going to switch this up and gear it towards health this time; mental health at that. I have had a really hard two weeks, and it seems to keep dragging on. I’ve mentioned how hard it is to sleep lately, in the heat and light and noise. So to put you in my shoes, cut the amount of sleep you want to get in half these past couple weeks. The heat also makes it hard for me to eat. It’s hard to be happy when I don’t feel well, either. Now add being nauseous or having a headache from lack of sleep and food. Next, pretend it’s also shark week (what I nicknamed my period, its funny). Hormones are a-raging. Lastly, add anything that may stress you out, big or small. You’re now turned me into someone you really aren't. Someone you don’t even like. You're not you anymore. And it sucks.

I’m weird in the way that I can handle big problems/stressors very well. I can hold myself together (and everyone else, too). I can carry a great deal on my shoulders when I have to. The weird part is that I fall apart over the small things instead. Those are the things that push me over the edge. I can’t afford to fall apart during the big stuff, so sometimes I crumble with what most people would consider small or minor things. This is pretty hard on the people around me and I need to manage my reactions better.

First thing (for me) to stress less and be happier AND healthier; SLEEP MORE. I know getting enough sleep is very important. I know it. I used to sleep NO LESS than 8 hours a night. No matter what. It was a huge priority of mine. Sleep is still important to me and I still try to sleep as much as I can. But. Sleeping during the day is different. Besides the heat, noise, and light, things are happening during the day. Let’s walk you through something pretty common for me. Can’t get an appointment with the dentist until 10 am? Well it looks like I will have to attempt (and fail) at a short nap when I get home at 7:15 am. I do have to get up at 9:00 am anyway so maybe I won’t even sleep until after the appointment. Get home from appointment at 11:30am. Well, I will hopefully get 5 hours of sleep before Baby and Nugget get home this evening. Unfortunately, I can’t sleep through much anymore. So many things can wake me up very easily. At this point, I have awaken at 1:30, 2:45, and now 3:45. I’ve probably gotten about 3 and a half hours of sleep. I can’t fall back asleep. Guess I am up for good. My boys will be home in an hour or so, anyway. Maybe I will get a few more hours of sleep in before work at 11:00 pm. Maybe not. That is something I have to deal with all the time. Even if I don't have an appointment, I am woken up by the landlords cutting the grass or weed-eating, the neighbors hanging decorations up on the walls, sirens from police and ambulances on the nearby highway, etc. Falling back asleep can be really difficult after/during these instances. It feels like I can't catch a break.

Then for food. If I can’t fuel my body adequately, how can I expect to feel healthy? Trust me. I am well aware of this. The issue is if I am hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, there is no way I will be eating anything. I’d gag on it if I tried. Honestly, need to get back into meal replacement shakes because I have no problem drinking my calories/meals. I also just need to pound water as much as I can. I've mentioned the Keto diet is low-carb, which makes it harder for me to retain water. I have hormonal migraines (meaning as long as I have shark week, I will get migraines), but I am sure that water would help out a lot in general.

Now for the outside stress. Tackling this is a big project. Sleep and diet can only do so much for you. So. First things first. We need to pinpoint what is stressing us out. You can’t fix something without knowing what is causing the issue. My stressors are adult things that I cannot really escape. Saving for a house and wedding is hard. Not knowing how much longer I can work third shift is hard. I more or less just need to stop worrying about money, continue to save, and look into first shift positions. I tend to get worked up about the unknown very easily. That’s my anxiety. At least I know and recognize this. What is stressing you out? Money? School? Work? Explore your emotions and why you feel the way you do. It always points to something. Some say writing about your stress helps. Journaling what is stressing you out, how you feel about it physically and emotionally, how you are reacting/responding to it, and how you relieve that stress. Things like this are helpful to refer back to, especially when trying to stop a cycle or pattern. Or if you are trying to instill better habits.

Now that we hopefully know what is stressing us out, we can try to avoid those things. Personally, I need to notice when I am overthinking and put an end to it. That’s a big issue in my life. Something may not be a big deal, but I can’t stop thinking about it over and over and over (anxiety) until it’s become a huge problem in my mind. A problem so big that I work myself into a panic or rage. Something else that seems to really weighs on me is what my family thinks of me and what I am doing with my life. I mentioned in my first blog post, Let Me Explain… and About Me that my parents have put a lot of pressure on me to succeed ever since I was pretty young. I've taken over the role for them since having moved out four years ago. I know they think highly of me, are proud of me, and expect nothing less than excellence. I now do the same to myself. The feeling of letting them down or disappointing them absolutely terrifies me. I need to learn to let go a little bit. I know they love me and that they are fully aware that I do my best when it comes to anything. Easier said than done, but these feelings I get are unnecessary. They may be warranted, but that doesn’t mean they are obligatory. Its not like anyone in my family makes me feel inadequate; I really do this to myself out of fear. My desire to make them proud is very driving (and driving me nuts LOL). Are there things in your life you can cut to avoid any extra stress? Do you need a new job schedule? New job in general? Are there certain people that you shouldn’t have in your life? Are there things you have been putting off that need to get done?

If there are things you absolutely can’t stay away from, you can try to change the situation. There are things you can control. I knew I was behind on sleep this week so I took a day off to catch up. You can also change the way you handle a situation to make it less stressful. My personal example it that I can’t avoid the fact that we need to save money so I made changes in my budget to make it easier. Compromise isn’t always fun but it is a must. It would be very difficult to save money if I shopped every Friday or went out to eat a few times a week, but I cut those things out of my budget.

As much as I don’t use this tactic in the moment, I really think it’s great. Think about the cause/issue of your stress. Will this even matter in 5 hours? Will it matter tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?! Most of the time; HELL no. Then why does it matter now? It doesn’t. Don’t let your emotions run you or control how you react. It is so easy to be bothered sometimes; to worry. But isn’t life so much better when you’re happy? I really have to remember this one for the future. Also ask yourself if you’re being realistic in your expectations of something. I cannot expect everything to always go according to plan, no matter how badly I wish it would. I get very bent out of shape when routines are hindered. I crave structure and consistency. The minute something has to change unexpectedly, I immediately get anxious. Realistically, that is normal. I cannot control everything. I just need to remind myself of this.

Something that helps: TALKING. I encourage you all to talk about this stuff. With whoever you want. Family, friends, spouses, a professional, anyone. Sometimes I think I talk too much, vent too much, complain too much, but it’s actually how I work through these things. It’s also sometimes how I realize I am being ridiculous. It helps you discover things like why you feel a certain way, what might help, etc. When the issue is out of your hands and you can’t do anything about it, talking can still be therapeutic and helpful. You can also use the typical advice of relieving stress through physical activity. SO many people go to the gym. Take a break and do something new or fun?

The last thing I want to touch on is something I really struggle with in these stressful moments; being positive and forgiving. Rather than focus on what went wrong, I need to remember what is right. There are silver linings, and those are the things to pay attention to. Things happen that aren’t anyone’s fault. There just isn’t anyone/anything to blame sometimes and that is okay. Even if there is someone to blame, letting go is better than holding it against them. Turning energy into hate and resentment is a waste. You should use your energy towards being happy.

Baby is always there to take my venting, my frustrating, my monster. Whether he deserves it or not. He is so patient and understanding. Although I appreciate it, that can only last so long. There are only so many apologies I can give before they don't mean anything. I don’t want to be the monster I am when I am overwhelmed. I don’t want him to have to ever feel like he’s “putting up” with me. He is there for me to lean on, not use as a punching bag. He knows why I get like this sometimes but that isn’t an excuse to be that way. I need to practice what I’ve just preached and harness this energy I have in being frustrated and difficult, and redirect it to being the happy person I know I am. I have too good a life to be unhappy.

[mykatesingh-blog]

    The new year is coming.  I was bewildered when a documentary ask “what will you change in 2018?”  My first thought was how silly to asked that so soon.  It took the next morning for my muddled brain to realize that 2018 is within weeks.  By the time this post, it will be days.

I’m one of those die-hards that just love my New Years resolutions.  I’m getting pretty good at setting goals and reaching them.  The trick is to set goals you can’t wait to tackle and make plans you jump out of bed to accomplish.  It has to be fun things you love doing.  You then interweave the not so enticing task that will only improve the following lifestyle.

For example, my goals are to do as much homesteading as possible and to save a lot of money.

Easy peasy!  Except that building a homestead takes money, right?  Not necessarily.  We already have the foundation laid such as having land, having a huge compost rotting in the back of the detached garage as I type, we have chickens, raised beds…I even know where to get free horse manure.

I’m using my winter months wisely.   I have until the last frost in March to study and study I’m doing.  I’ve been browsing through backyard farming books, buying ones I feel are a library must such as The Encyclopedia of Country Living, watching anything on YouTube on gardening how to’s.  My new celebrity is Novella Carpenter that wrote Farm City, The Education of an Urban Farmer.  Fun book to read (not for the vegetarian though).  She and her partner moved to the worst part of Oakland and began farming an abandoned lot next to their house.  She raises poultry and goats, bees, even pigs for a time but that was too much.  The lot has a huge veggie garden with fruit trees.  I love this clip about her and her urban farm.  Vegans and vegetarians be warned, she does raise meat to eat.  There will be blood.

I would love to meet this lady.  But what I love about backyard farmers the most is when they spend almost no money to develop a mini farm that feeds them abundantly for years.  As one farmer calls it, “money on trees”.  They use what they find or is already there and create a sort of paradise.

I don’t know how well I’ll do or how far I’ll go.  I’m still a bit shocked that I have hens.  That was a move that seemed so advanced…so revolutionary, to have chickens in the suburbs, that I only dreamt big chicken dreams until grannie told me to get over it and get some hens.  Now I have 4 hens bossing me about my own yard.  They have a cute yellow cottage and a white picket gate to a yard that goes along the side of our house (all free).  I hear my girls clucking and scratching about under my bedroom window and I swear I hear them talking in the middle of the night even with my windows shut tight to the cold winter nights.

I’m already thinking bees.  I would be a very good bee mother, not stealing all their honey greedily and giving them sugar water for the winter as so many farmers do.  What a crime.  I think I’ll wait for the boys to get a bit bigger…or not, maybe just have some Epi-pens on hand just in case we have an allergy.

But gardening, that is something I can really get crazy on.  We have 5,260 square feet of yard.  It’s less than 1/12th of an acre.  I didn’t think it was much land until I saw a small family farming in the city on 4,000 acres and they were feeding themselves year round.  There were goats and chickens, trees and row after row of beds.

We have a cement patio in our yard.  We have a lot of grass…and fences.  There is so much potential in each situation.  We could grow grapes and berries on the fences, container gardens and a greenhouse on the cement, dig up the grass and make plots.

I’m really into the food forest idea.  I’m learning about companion planting of say corn, beans, and squash together.  I’m learning about growing bamboo to use for building fences, trellis, and more.  Potatoes grown in tubs, the magic of mulch, and how bees not only give you honey but make your crops more abundant.

It’s very addictive.  With each step of self-reliance and green living, I find myself doing all sorts of little things to further slow down the pace of the modern world that tries to creep in through the cracks of our magical world.  The wood floor vacuum broke down and would be easy to fix but I chose a handmade broom that I’m currently in love with.  Dishes are hand washed and the thought of taking up precious space in my little 1940’s kitchen for a dishwasher is forbidden.  I hang my clothes on a line outside most of the year and felt like I was taking a step backward when the dryer had to be plugged in this winter.  I have a wooden rack on back up but we have the heating on the ceiling and clothes take so long to dry that they begin to stink.

I love my coffee and recently I replaced Mr. Coffee with a stovetop espresso maker and a stove top percolator.  Bali had a conniption the first morning he couldn’t work the espresso maker (it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t been trained, I would have hit the roof myself).  Now he makes himself coffee every morning with either the espresso or the percolator.  He never used to make coffee in the morning before work so I know he loves it.

Paper books are still big in our house and waiting for popular movies from the library trumps renting from Redbox or Netflix.

For me homesteading means that I do a lot of garden therapy year round, we feed ourselves for pennies, there is a connection to the land happening, and an old pioneering instinct is tapped into.  Our farm is creative and fun to build, it gives my husband and myself great pride in every victory.  I am thrilled when I can eat from the yard.  We love our hens.

Bali is not thrilled with the idea of rain barrels because he doesn’t feel we have space but he always talks about grey water.  He agrees on digging up the grass and planting food but he doesn’t agree on wood chips everywhere, as in no grass just a land of mulch.  He also is completely against getting rid of the garage.  If I had my way and extra money I would tear out the detached garage and all the cement.  That ain’t happening on his watch.

Oh well, I’ll negotiate on grey water and more veggie plots on the lawn.  When I get more courage I’ll get bees and a couple more hens.  But that is it!  Maybe…

Homesteading is living like a farmer in the city.  You get the entertainment and convenience of the city and not the isolation of a real rural farmer but all the health and well-being benefits.  You also save a lot of money as you get better at it.  You are growing clean, organic food that is so fresh and packed with nutrition.

As for the budget, that is changed vastly when the gardens produce and the trees mature.  Until then I do what I can to save money in all areas while I buy organics at the Coop.

Do I want to be off grid?  Live in an eco-village?  I’ve checked all these out and I’d say not.  I like small towns, walking to the store, buying burger buns when lazy, having coffee in a cafe and monthly movies at the theater (I keep threatening my family I’m having this again).  I do love some of the modern conveniences.  But I love the old-fashioned ways and the quiet and slow pace.  I’m a walking contradiction.

But what I love the most is being a housewife and staying home with my family.  I don’t want this to ever stop and recently we encountered some issues and I was looking at possibly going back to work and putting my boys in a school and daycare.  Things worked out in our favor but it made me really pursue all avenues of self-reliance and trimming our budget to the thread.

My budget is simply mortgage, food, utilities.  Bali gets free gas at work as part of his manager benefits and we have begun walking a lot.  If we can shop or do the library within walking distance, we do it.  My DirecTV contract will be up in the spring and I will be relieved of that.  I have the smallest internet, home phone, and cell bill ever.  The utilities are small.  Even for AC in the summer we paid half of what our neighbors paid.  I am always looking into other ways to save.

Our groceries are purchased at a very nice health food store in Grass Valley.  It is my one luxury.  Everything is organic now.  I afford it by joining the Coop and getting almost everything in bulk.  I only buy rice, beans, produce, nuts, raisins, flour, coffee, and plant milk and cream.  I make all my food from scratch.    I make everything from granola bars to lentil loaf.  If I crave it I have to make it.  I have a list of things I want to make such as pickles, burger buns, soap.

I do little things too, I save all the bags to reuse, water down dish soap and shampoo, boil toothbrushes instead of buying new every 6 months.  I am back to making all my own house cleaners and will be making laundry detergent again.  I even make my own houseplants from trimmings off the main plants.  Then I get all my needs met with hit movies and popular books by the library.

I write books to make money.  I was a caregiver for a season and that paid for book covers, editing, and sending Arjan to Fox Walkers every Friday for a year.  I also redecorated the living room with beautiful new furniture all under $220 at a high-end thrift store.  My royalties are set aside in a far away bank and automatically deposited.  Any extra home job I get I use for all the luxuries.  I am now considering babysitting to bring in some extra money for vines and seeds, a greenhouse, and doing more work on the house.

Those to me are luxuries.  And the occasional theater movie with that God awful popcorn.

      How to streamline that household budget and building that urban farm. The new year is coming.  I was bewildered when a documentary ask "what will you change in 2018?"  My first thought was how silly to asked that so soon. 

[3one3]

The Sequel - 862

Scudetto

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s (okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

Christina was keen on short veg-out sessions during transitions between the horsey part of her day and other plans. Her mind and body needed a reset period on most days. Usually it involved sitting in bed or on the couch and allowing herself to become fully absorbed in a deep dive into Instagram, or the news from around the world on her Twitter feed. Occasionally she flipped through a magazine, or took mindless Buzzfeed quizzes. So it didn’t surprise André to find her half sitting and half lying on her side on a pillow mountain in bed with her phone and some music when he went to tell her they needed to leave soon or they’d be late for their appointment at Ferrari, and probably get stuck in traffic too.

“Are you at least dressed to go?” he asked on his way across the room to join her. His tone wasn’t plaintive or concerned. His girl reacted like she didn’t expect him to be there. She began to turn around, and put her phone face down on the comforter by her legs.

“Yeah,” she yawned. André set himself on top of the comforter too, and leaned over to smooch her temple. “I just sprayed dry shampoo all over my head and I like to let it sit for a few minutes before I brush it out. It absorbs all the ickyness on my scalp or something.”

“It smells like cake.”

“I know. What time are we leaving?”

“Few minutes. Are you not excited? What’s with this music?”

“It’s called “Tethered”, and I like it, so shut up.” She fake-punched him in the stomach and glanced at her phone. The song was quiet, seductive, and packed with floating synth lines. It was moody, dramatic, emotional, and she more than liked it. There was no way she could even come close to being able to sing it, so she mouthed the powerful hook at her partner from her pillow. “Round and round in my mind, there’s a truth I can’t ignore. I spent so many years, wandering from myself until you came along. Yeeeeah, you got it. I have never needed nobody, nobody but you, nobody but you. Yeeeah, you got it. I have never needed nobody, nobody but youuu.” The thing was, she’d been lying there texting Juan, and thinking about Juan, and wishing she could be lying next to him with her head on his thigh while he did things on his laptop, like read those emails she was sure he got that told him about every cool or interesting thing happening everywhere in the world on any given day. That wasn’t what she wanted to be doing with her down time. It was what she craved nonetheless. It’s just because I miss him. It’s because I’ve had so little time with him lately, she argued while André watched her face and her eyes roamed up and down the trim on his oatmeal colored cardigan, where there should have been buttons.

“Is it new?” he inquired, thinking she silently sang the song to him because he was the one she was feeling emotional about.

“It came out in July. I like a few songs on the album. He has a beautiful sounding voice and he can do so much with it. My favorite one is like an 80’s pop song over an up-tempo Weeknd funk-ish beat. There’s almost something kind of Rick Astley about it.” Christina couldn’t help but laugh a little at the thought of the “Never Gonna Give You Up” singer. “I’ll put it on in the car. It’s fun.”

“Do you feel like fun? You’re smiling, but you seem...I don’t know. I know you like to chill and do nothing...are you just tired?” The player waffled on his impression. While it was normal for his favorite Olympian to relax and listen to non-dance or party music, her energy read as somber to him rather than calm or chilled out. He struggled to put that perception into inoffensive words, or match it to his belief that she was enjoying those lyrics as they related to him.

“We’re about to go shop for a Ferrari. How could I not feel like fun?” A no-teeth grin lit up her face and assuaged his doubt.

“What song will be the first you listen to in the new car when you get it?” The first song in a car is always so important to her, he remembered, recalling her stories about the first song from her first couple of cars and also the lengthy and out-loud debates she had with herself about what to play first in the cars they got together. It was particularly hilarious to him that the soundtrack for her first drive as a BMW owner- a major milestone in her life, and a big goal ticked off her list- was one hit wonder Petey Pablo’s easily forgotten “Freak-a-leek”, with impressive rhymes such as “Do you want it on the floor? Do you want it on the chair? Do you want it over here? Do you want it over there?” Christina claimed she just liked the bass and that her 330 had way better speakers than her old car.

“I don’t know. It’s kind of criminal to listen to music over a Ferrari V12.”

“You’ve ruled out all of the V8 cars already?”

“I told you. I want an f12tdf.” Why doesn’t he listen? I didn’t say to him “hey let’s go test drive all the Ferraris and choose one” when we talked about this on Friday. I said “hey I’m going to go order my f12tdf this week”. You can’t buy a car that costs that much money and not know which one you want. It’s not like picking out which trim level to get for you boring Honda minivan. I want a 6.3L V12, 7-speed F1 dual-clutch gearbox, the wider tires, the rear steering, the extra downforce, and all of the reluctant driver assistance programs that make it truly terrifying to drive. I want Dirk in car form. I won the medal and now I get the toy I want. You have to really want it. You don’t need a Ferrari if you don’t even know which one you want. Leave it for someone else.

“I know, but maybe you’ll like the convenience of the more practical ones,” André shrugged, none the wiser about her internal rant. “You already have a racing inspired car.”

“An old R8 with a bunch of aftermarket parts is not even in the same league as-“

“Okay, okay, calm down,” he laughed. Christina took a deep but subtle breath through her nose to prevent herself from responding according to her first instinct. “Shall we go? Ready?”

She nodded and went to the bathroom to brush out her refreshed hair, and to text Juan back. He was waiting.

“Give me a reason to visit soon.���

“G spot orgasms.”

“One I can explain to Schü.”

“He needs them explained? No wonder you love coming here.”

“Don’t. Not fair. Not nice.”

“Tell him the truth.”

“I’m not entirely sure what it is.”

“Chriiiiiiiis. Let’s goooooo,” André whined from the bedroom.

“Coming!”

“Yes you do.”

“Nah.”

“Yeah.”

“Ferrari time.”

“Tell them you want Sebastian Vettel to deliver it to you.”

“I don’t think my gold medal is important enough for that. I’d have to out-do Phelps or something.”

“We should go to Monza together.”

“Can you?”

“Yes.”

“Make it happen!”

“Todaaaaaaaay, pretty girl,” the German told his girl from the doorway with another hurry-up gesture. Christina chucked her brush on the vanity and stuffed the phone in her jeans. They told Lukas they’d be home in a few hours and headed out. The footballer did the driving because he didn’t like being on the road that long as a passenger. His co-pilot handled the soundtrack. In addition to the other song by her new favorite artist, she queued that “1000 Nights” song she thought about earlier, “I Like Me Better” (when I’m with you), and a bunch of other tunes the driver assumed where generally a reflection of the love she was currently feeling for him. The love and longing themes in the songs were actually invisible to her, or inaudible, as it were. She didn’t notice the current running through her selections. They were just new-to-her songs she picked up from various places recently, like the radio, Apple Music’s recommendations tab in iTunes, and a certain Chelsea player’s music catalogue. Any significance was lost on her.

André noticed, and assumed her musical mood reflected the meeting of her sense of closure on the Olympic dream, the ensuing emptiness and uncertainty about her next big goal, and a need for love and affection missed over the end of her busy summer. He thought she was unknowingly asking him to spend more time with her and be more close. A certain loneliness set in for him after his first Premier League title, and after his World Cup victory in Brazil and their little wedding and honeymoon. They got home and she went diving head first into the German equestrian team and he was expected to step up and be a big player at Chelsea after a shortened preseason. That was tough for him and he didn’t feel good inside, especially about missing Christina all the time when she traveled. He wanted to help her avoid the emptiness- the hangover from winning gold and silver medals. Happily, he could see and sense her excitement when they arrived at the showroom. Her heart being set on the limited edition track-ready model didn’t mean she wasn’t seriously looking forward to test-driving the full range of super cars. The player arranged for her to have a go in each and every one available, including some of the Maseratis offered by the same dealer. They were there for an experience, not just to buy a specific car.

And what an experience it was. The dealership and sales managers welcomed the Germany athletes with fruit-infused water and swag bags that included caps “just in case” they wanted to don some cover while testing out the topless California and 488 Spider. They built up through the range, sampling the “tame” V8 in the former and the classic, quintessential one in the latter. The footballer liked it best in that Spider, and the equestrian appreciated it more in the regular coupe. They were both curious about the practical 4-seater Lusso, just to see what a practical Ferrari was actually like. Both found it oxymoronic. Both believed a Ferrari should be ferocious and tremendous to drive, totally flash and stunning to look at, or both. That shooting brake style Lusso was neither.

Christina got most excited about the 812 Superfast- the platform upon which her precious f12tdf was built. Only 799 lightweight, more powerful, more extreme versions were built, and she knew none of them were at the Düsseldorf dealership for her to try, so the regular 812 was as close as she would get that day to experiencing “her” car. It was a sexy, sexy thing in white, with wheels and tires that completely filled their arches, the swoopy roofline of a classic long, wide bodied Maranello super car but edited just a bit at the back to give it that true GT silhouette and stance, the cleanliness and simplistic beauty of the front end, and the sculpted carve outs from the front quarter into the door and stretching upward all the way to the rear deck. The rear was perfectly balanced from exhaust tip to exhaust tip across the tidy diffuser and also bottom to top, where the two pairs of lights mirrored the pairs of tips underneath. Every angle offered something to feed the different senses and tick all the enthusiast’s boxes. The V12, beautiful in and of itself under the glass and derived from the old F12 Berlinetta, which was once one of the rider’s favorite racing cars, was tweaked to offer 80% of its maximum torque very low in the rev range, ensuring insanely powerful and consistent acceleration from even a stop or slow roll.

The power just kept coming, and flicking through the gears was so satisfyingly quick that the limitations of the road and traffic were devastatingly disappointing. Christina just wanted to put her foot to the floor and continue on until the car ran out of extra grunt to propel her forward. At the end of her stint, she struggled between wanting to remain behind the wheel and feeling desperate to shove André into the seat so that he could understand everything she said about it. She’d always wished she could hop off Dirk and hand his reins to her husband so that he could experience the same wonder, and that was impossible. That 812 was something he could share almost exactly the same way she did, and his smile was just as big after he enjoyed 5 minutes at the helm. His only lamentation about it was that he knew immediately how much his girl must have loved it and he didn’t get to watch that from next to her because the sales manager had to be in the car. He didn’t get to see her lose her mind over the wonderful and expensive toy. Luckily he had an ace up his sleeve that could give him that joy on Tuesday evening instead of having to wait until they actually owned one and could hit the road in it together.

“Would you like to walk around back into the service center for a look?” Nicolas, the manager of the whole dealership suggested after the sales manager replaced André in the 812 to return it to its prominent parking space in front of the showroom. The two athletes nodded that they’d like to see the cars being worked on. Christina loved to check out “naked” cars because she actually understood the components revealed, and she whispered to her shopping chaperone that there might be some interesting customer cars in for service, like a LaFerrari perhaps, which was too special and in-demand for the dealership to even have one on display. He wasn’t that excited by the prospect of spotting one since his club’s first-choice striker parked one at Brackel all the time. Driving the different models was more fun for him than simply studying them. “So the f12tdf is still the Ferrari for your heart, Chris?” Nicolas questioned.

“Definitely. I hope you can get us one,” Christina sighed wistfully. I know they haven’t all been pre-ordered and sold, but I know they aren’t exactly readily available, she reminded herself. I’m glad the regular 812 is amazing, because if I have to “settle” for that it would be totally okay. I thought it wouldn’t be worth it to do that. I love that thing though, she added, glancing back over her shoulder in the direction of the white coupe. White was her secret favorite color for most Maranello-built cars, but she always thought that it would be a shame to have “a real Michael Schumacher Ferrari” in anything but classic Rosso Corsa red- Italy’s official racing color, and the hue of all the Formula 1 title winning Ferraris including Michael’s, and Sebastian’s, hopefully. If they can’t get us a red one it would be okay, Christina thought. I don’t really love the yellow but I could live with it. White or silver or black is fine. It would be amazing to go to Monza with Juan IN A RED FERRARI. God, yes, she grunted silently in her head, thinking about the Italian Grand Prix in a week and a half. For a half-second she considered the prospect of taking delivery of her car at the factory on the Friday before the race, but realized that is probably the dream of many a Ferrari customer and impossible to arrange last minute, so she went back to the colors. She was also falling back behind the two men, and her blonde man slowed to put his hand on her back and urge her forward as they rounded the corner of the main part of the building. “Do you know how many of each color are left? Or are the remaining ones in the allocation not actually built yet so you can still choose paint?”

“Your husband thought you might like red,” Nicolas replied with a knowing and exceptionally warm and friendly smile as he stopped just a step or two from the sensor for the automatic garage door separating them from the service bays. He waited for them to catch up and then moved the few feet to activate the door, which lifted speedily to reveal a stunning Rosso Corsa f12tdf absolutely sucking up all the available oxygen in the vast, clean service department as the bright lights glinted off its hand-designed and crafted fenders. Christina’s eyes grew in sync with her chest as she tried to fill her lungs. She could see all the extra vents in the rear fenders, and a more aerodynamically aggressive front end greeted her with the same warmth as the Ferrari guy’s grin, but also with an invitation, like a challenge. An actual squeal came from her body once the surprise passed, and André and Nicolas laughed at her as she did a mini hop on her sneakers and hurried round the back of the car.

“This one is for you, Prinzessin,” the BVB man confirmed, just in case his sometimes-underestimating wife hadn’t figured that out.

“It was just delivered to us only an hour before you arrived, so we had time to clean her up inside and out but we haven’t done the mechanical checks and verifications yet or topped the fluids,” Nicolas added, building toward an apology. “You cannot take delivery today, I’m afraid, but we’ll have your f12 ready for you to pick up any time tomorrow- as early as first thing in the morning, if you like.”

André assured him that there was no need to hurry. He would bring Christina back in the afternoon, after training. She was already installed in the alcantara driver’s seat and working out the best driving position, which was difficult because of her size and the lack of infinite range of adjustability. André was not offended that she was in there pushing buttons and feeling textiles instead of hugging him for getting the car there for her. He knew it would come, just as he knew she wouldn’t change her mind about which one she wanted. His only worry between communicating with Nicolas on Saturday and that very moment in the service department was, as he said to Tim, that the Olympian would decide she didn’t deserve such a thing, or that the expense was too great and not worth it. He was fairly certain that she wouldn’t change her mind once the actual car was sitting there in front of her though. As he watched her wonderment through the front windscreen, he’d already forgotten that he thought it was a wasteful expense and that they didn’t need another fragile, impractical car for which they had no room- the arguments he made when Christina announced that she was rewarding herself with a Ferrari. She stressed that it was something she wanted to get for herself, and that she was going to pay for it. She wanted to sign the papers. That was important to her. The charter money from the boat was in fact all hers, since the boat belonged to her. He got the down payment from that fund and would let her sort the rest of the financing and paperwork herself, for her satisfaction. He knew exactly how good it felt to sign on the line for an expensive token and know that his hard work and talent paid off. She worked just as hard and was just as talented and seldom got the satisfaction of using a big chunk of her earnings to obtain something special or meaningful- not even any of her horses, and the boat didn’t really count because it was a gift. Unsurprisingly, her mind quickly turned to the price tag. She waved him over for a private word.

“Babe, can we afford this?” she whispered cautiously when he squatted inside the open door. There was no key fob in the car so she couldn’t drop the window. I have literally no idea how much it costs, she was thinking. It’s not published. I just read on Top Gear that it’s “at least £240,000”. What if it’s like half a million dollars?

“Yes, you can,” he whispered back, laughing. “I have the deposit check in my wallet from the corporate account. The rest you can pay monthly, or wire it all now from savings. Whichever you want. It’s cheaper to pay up front without interest, but it makes more sense to spread it out if you think you might want to trade it in in a few years, you know? Same as the others.”

“Yeah but how much is it?” Christina asked, feeling awkward and hoping Nicolas couldn’t hear her. He was talking to one of the service techs. The place was quite busy but she didn’t notice.

“About €340,000.”

“Wow.”

“You want to gift yourself, pretty girl, so it’s up to you. You really want it, right?”

She reached out to touch the black alcantara on the door next to him, and the red double stitching, and glanced over at the packed gauge cluster through the wheel. The tachometer was featured in the middle, flanked on one side by a digital speedometer and an array of other little gauges and graphics with systems data on the other. The car was off, so the rider had to picture it lit up from memory. In her mind it was practically a Formula 1 car steering wheel display. She momentarily imagined turning a knob to adjust brake bias, and then realized her wheel actually did have a knob just like the many packed onto Sebastian’s, for traction control settings.

“Yeah, I really want it,” Christina mumbled.

“So get it. Your car; your deal. I just called to make sure they could get you one.” André rubbed her thigh kind of idly and watched her eyes move around. He could tell her mind wasn’t made up. “You like the black interior, yeah? It’s right off the factory line so there was no choice. I think it was someone else’s order and they canceled too late. A blue one is coming available in a couple of weeks but it’s very dark, not like the Smurfy color.”

“I love the black. This is exactly what I would have ordered, probably. Actually I don’t even really know the options because I was afraid researching the car would ruin my chances of getting the medal. It’s so perfect...”

“Well come on out for a few minutes to do the paperwork and then you can sit in it again.”

“Okay. Help.” The rider let her considerate shopping date help her out of the very low car and the very grippy seat, empowered in her conviction to treat herself and not feel the least bit self-indulgent about it. Plus, she was secure in the knowledge that André wouldn’t encourage her to spend the money if they shouldn’t. He was even more responsible about money than she was, though they were still paying to maintain a large equestrian estate outside London and had no plan for what to do with it yet, largely because he couldn’t make up his mind. Christina actually really wanted to spend Christmas there, but there was nothing in the house- no furniture, electronics, towels, plates, pots, etc.

“Ready to add another fine prancing horse to your stable?” Nicolas asked the couple. Christina nodded and allowed him to show them through the work bays and the service department into the showroom and then the sales manager’s office. It took about 40 minutes and a call each to Tim and their financial manager to complete the purchase and registration documents. That was about 30 more than the BVB forward could comfortably tolerate, and he was eager to get a bite to eat somewhere nice in Düsseldorf before heading home. His wife was similarly eager to get home to eat with Lukas, but he did such a nice thing for her and she wasn’t going to make demands- at least not beyond holding up their departure for an extra 5 minutes so that she could go say bye-for-now to her new car and take a couple of photos. They went straight to Juan.

He congratulated her and suggested she drive the f12tdf to Monza for the Italian Grand Prix. He said she should meet him in Strasbourg on Saturday evening. It was about halfway between her and the circuit, or 4 hours or so on the motorway. He could fly to the charming old Alsatian capital after the match at Stamford Bridge, and they could spend the night there and then leave early in the morning for another 4-hour trek down to the historic home of the Tifosi. His Monday was a free day as well thanks to the international break, so they could take their time returning north along the French/Swiss/German borders and explore a little. Christina thought that sounded like an amazing idea, but not one she could say yes to. André would hate it.

She still wanted to go to the race though, so her counter offer was meeting him in Italy on Saturday evening with a car rented from the airport in Milan, staying the night, enjoying Sunday at the Autodromo Nazionale Monza, and then departing Milan on separate flights Sunday night. The Spaniard negotiated for a second night there. His sometimes-girlfriend was firm. He accepted her original terms and said he would figure out how to book everything, which would be difficult so late. His only remaining point of debate was whether he should try to get regular general admission or grandstand seats, the generic Paddock Club package, or attempt to work one of his many connections to the paddock to secure them access as guests of one of the teams. IWC could help him out with Mercedes, for example, and Fernando Alonso for sure would have supplied McLaren credentials. Christina wondered if being a brand new Olympic medal winner, German international footballer’s wife, and very new Ferrari owner could be parlayed into an invitation from the “home” team to be their guest. Juan told her that finding out would be a job better suited to her agent, and promised to talk to him about it. They’d worked together on the Dirk video, so he knew how to reach him. She consented but asked him to wait until the next day to call, so that she could talk to André first. “Thanks for helping me get my dream Ferrari, and by the way I’m going on a Ferrari-themed overnight getaway with Juan next weekend” didn’t appeal to her as a topic for discussion at dinner.

Approved topics included where to photograph her new car, what shoes to wear when she drove it for the first time, where she was going to park it at home, and what to name it. Her sporting hero and favorite Ferrari pilot named all of his Formula 1 cars. His Toro Rossos were called Julie, Kate, and Kate’s Dirty Sister, the last of which inspired the genre of names adopted for his Red Bull Racing cars- Lucious Liz, Randy Mandy, Kinky Kylie, and Hungry Heidi. There was an Abbey and a Suzie mixed in. Abbey and Suzie were the least successful of the bunch. Abbey won a title but it was the closest of his 4 consecutive Championships, and Suzie was terrible. It surprised Christina that he didn’t revert back to the “sexy” names when he moved to Ferrari. His first red car was Eva, and she was disappointing. His second was Margherita, and only slightly better. The current car, named Gina, was currently leading.

“I have trouble reconciling the rearing black stallion with a female name,” she complained over a bowl of fettuccine with pancetta, roasted summer vegetables, garlic, olive oil, and a healthy dusting of Parmesan. There was no way they were eating anything but Italian that night. André really wanted to go to one of the many exceptional Asian restaurants there but his wife was having none of it, primarily because she was sick to death of even looking at sushi, smelling soy sauce, or watching people eat with chopsticks.

“I have trouble reconciling why people call it “the prancing horse” when it’s not prancing,” he shot back.

“Wanna hear something interesting?”

“Always.”

“Seb started naming his cars because American pilots did that with their planes in World War II. The Ferrari scudetto- the logo- comes from this Italian pilot who painted it on his planes during World War I. Apparently their air force didn’t have like separate regiments yet, so technically he and the rest of his squadron were still part of the Italian cavalry. Some say that’s where the horse comes from. Others say he saw a downed German plane with the horse on it, and that the plane actually had the emblem of the city of Stuttgart on it, because it’s basically exactly the same as the Ferrari logo. Now, follow along because this is really getting in the weeds. Stuttgart itself, the name I mean, is derived from Stutengarten, which means “mare garden”, which is the same as a stud farm. Scuderia, as in Scuderia Ferrari, also means “stud farm”, technically. Legend has it the mother of this Italian pilot asked Enzo Ferrari to put the horse on his racing cars for good luck. His first chance to do so was the 1932 Spa 24 Hours. He put yellow behind the horse to nod to his hometown, Modena, ‘cause I guess yellow is big there. That’s why the yellow paint is always called Modena, by the way, in case you couldn’t put that together. So he won the race and the “prancing” black horse on the yellow background with the “S F” for Scuderia Ferrari went on all the cars. Isn’t it kind of funny that Seb names his cars because American pilots put names on their planes and now he’s driving a car with a logo derived one way or another from the pilots and planes those guys were fighting?”

“Do you think he knows that?”

“Oh absolutely. He knows everything about Ferrari, I’m sure. He loves motorsport history, and he loves Ferrari.” Christina nodded emphatically and then twirled some pasta on her fork with a piece of salty pancetta on the bottom of the prongs.

“So are you going to give your car a name like Luscious Liz or like Gina?”

“I don’t know! I don’t like girl names.”

“You should call it Casper-Sky because you thought the sponsor was Casper-Sky like the ghost and clouds and not Kaspersky like the Russian cyber security company,” André sniggered. She knows so much useless but fascinating stuff like the logo story but she doesn’t know how to read the sponsor on Vettel’s car and suit and everything. It’s amazing. She didn’t know until Kaspersky was in the news because of the American elections. I remember her face when she heard it on the news and the light bulb went on in her head, he laughed to himself.

“You should shut up and eat your fish.”