#we're not stupid- our brains just work and process differently

[softpine]

This might be juvenile, but do you have any tips on not comparing yourself to others? (Especially when it comes to note count or popularity.) I’ve been posting a story for over a year and it hardly gets any traction. It’s tough for me to see new creators post and get hundreds or even thousands of notes. I hate that I’m doing this but don’t know how to quit it!

this is not juvenile!! i struggle with this myself, especially knowing that i hit my peak years ago and i've been on the decline ever since – but only by numbers alone! i'm more proud of my story than i've ever been, i'm more attached to my characters, i'm putting more love and thought into everything, but i had to be realistic with myself and understand that i'll never pull even half the notes i did in 2020. gone are the days when i would wake up to 3 new anons about my story and dms from people every day (i can't believe i used to get overwhelmed by it...) and i would be lying if i said it didn't make me sad sometimes, because we're humans and our brains are practically wired to crave the hit of happy chemicals you get from seeing the stupid number go up 😭 it does feel demotivating. it makes me feel less urgency to post quicker if i convince myself that no one is waiting for me anyway, which means i post less, which means even less people stick around, which makes me post less, and on and on. it's a tough thing for me to come to terms with in all honesty.

but it helps to remember that i would be writing even if no one is reading. and i know that, because i have! i've written entire novel-length fics that i've never published, i've written countless short stories in the frozen pines universe that i'll never post, i've created alternate universes that will never be shown, etc. i do it because the idea is in my head and it needs to Get Out and i'm kinda just a conduit for that. that might not apply to you, and that's okay! everyone is different. the important thing is to really sit down and think about WHY you write and what you get out of it. which part of the process makes you happiest? what makes you feel a sense of fulfillment / satisfaction? play to your strengths. try not to spend your time doing things you think other people will enjoy and instead, spend more time on the things that make you happy. for me, i haaaaate editing and i always have, so lately i've been trying to speed through it a little bit quicker even if it means the final product won't be as appealing to others. (this is still a work in progress for me...) i have more fun when i experiment with different writing styles, which might not appeal to others because it takes longer and i don't really have a recognizable style, but i don't care anymore because i'm having fun! ask yourself what YOU want from your story, and then write for yourself and only yourself.

essentially what i'm saying is: there will ALWAYS be people more popular than you, and there's no guarantee that when you find the popularity you seek, you'll be able to keep it. so you need to find some sort of intrinsic motivation to continue or you'll just keep comparing yourself to others forever and you'll deny yourself the joy of creation! "comparison is the thief of joy" could not be more true!!

[avissapiens]

Jockbull Summer Week 4 Set C (3/12/23-10/12/23)

Model used is Onome Egger

1.

I have continued the trend of fasting+cardio day. It’s actually not that bad. What was bad was the decision to bake while fasting. It’s not that I wanted the food. I don’t eat most of what I bake. But I couldn’t realistically test things too much to make sure they came out well. Luckily they were quite good the next day. Only half of one. It’s still cutting season.

2.

I got two in again! The first one was just kind of a general muscle flash. Brain producing lovely images for myself. Who needs AI when your head is already so full of muscle.

The second one however was a deeper introspection done together with Abg. We’re both POC but in many senses we are atypical. And yet still the presence of stereotypes still kind of gets in the way of both of our minds, and in particular our muscular journeys. We are both dead-set on breaking stereotypes and still coming out on top, so that was the seed for this meditation. There’s a lot of stereotypes for Black folks. And I know they are nonsense because not only do I not embody them, but most of my friends, relatives, peers etc from back home don’t either. But every time that one encounters a situation where you do meet that stereotype in yourself or in others, you pause for a second. Because especially while living in a mostly white country, you become extremely aware of the fact that everything you do is a form of ambassadorship for anyone who looks like you and visa versa. Which is a shitty burden to bear. Even after coming from a background of Black excellence in the Caribbean, there’s still so many stereotypes that come to mind. The perception of black people being unattractive, or if we are, it can only be in a brutish, animalistic, unrefined non-aesthetic way that doesn’t adhere to societal norms.

The mental stereotypes of underperformance and stupidity. The lack of ambition.

So many stereotypes are strangely contradictory too

That we're just needlessly loud and confrontational all the time but still get portrayed as servile slaves.

That we can only be good at sports but still deserve to be excluded from them. That we can't perform well at anything else. The strange juxtaposition of the athletic achievement that many POC are forced into because they lack the resources to pursue other interests and the idea that Ethnic food is unhealthy, dirty. And the very real reality of unequal access and outcomes for healthcare. The idea, often reinforced within the community, that we do not belong in certain places. In certain professions. In nature, in the world at large. That we should remain forever in this conservative slave mentality while we exist in the west.

Frankly, I see muscle and hypnosis as ways of outgrowing and defeating these stereotypes. Of changing perceptions not only for me but for my community. Perception is everything because it means that those who come after can see something different for themselves.

3.

Anyway on a lighter note. Yup, we’ve entered an edging period. It always feels so fucking good after a full week of building that erotic energy. It takes you to new and darker places and makes you vulnerable to things you might not have been before. Sometimes thats good. Sometimes its dangerous. But even that danger comes with a certain appeal.

4.

Its been a rough and busy week working on the first comm. I have some ideas brainstormed with Jockrs for an avis abstraction, it’s just always a whole different story putting pen to paper. Wish me better luck for the next week.

5.

So this one’s been interesting. It’s less been a process of drafting and then sticking. More a progressive building of momentum. Incorporating more and more things until the morning and myself feels more whole. I’ve ordered a bunch of supplements to take. A bunch of skincare stuff to harden my routine. I’ve expanded my already existing routine and even incorporated some new concepts from the world of Looksmaxxing. Truthfully, there is this deep desire in me to grow so much more in so many dimensions.And the himbo programming has definitely made one of those dimensions my aesthetics. Not for anyone else’s pleasure but for my own. I already know i’m gorgeous to other people. I want to be brilliant for myself and to be able to use that element of me like a tool and a weapon.

[peachymilkandcream]

Hi! I have a scenario in mind. After giving birth to their firstborn, Evelyn realises that Levi treated her a lot better during her pregnancy. Post-delivery hormones fogged up her brain and in a stupid split second decision she concluded that if she couldn't run away from him, she could at least try to make her life easier during those nine months. So she decided to ask him for another baby. What would be his reaction?

Levi x Evelyn -> No Escape

(A/N: Ooh this is a good one, we've never seen a slightly mind broken Evelyn before so I think this is going to be a good one with a sweet sweet prompt. We love to see it ;) Also it doesn't help that I've been looking at Levi as a dad arts on Pinterest :P)

WARNINGS: implied noncon/dubcon, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, manipulation, mind breaking, yandere themes, yandere behaviour, domestic violence, slightly soft and good father Levi should be a warning in and of itself, etc.

=============================================

Evelyn watched Levi with their firstborn son, Furlan, he had bragged to her months prior that he would be just as strict with her as their children, but he was unusually loving and sweet. He held their child with such care and love, talking to him in his soft voice, bouncing him gently.

"Did you know you're the descendant of the strongest bloodline on earth? Oh yes, personal guards for the king, a line of warriors and soldiers, the most feared in the land."

Despite herself Evelyn let a small giggle escape. "I thought you never cared about where you came from."

A smile creeps onto his face. "Oh I don't. But he'll care. My reputation is shitty at best, respected and loved only because I'm feared. He'll be different, respected because he is the first Ackerman in a long time. We're better than any of those stuck up rich pricks, our name's been around longer than theirs."

She shakes her head playfully. "The feared part might stop if you keep acting this way towards him."

"Mm, he won't fear me. He'll be in awe of his dear Papa, riding on the front of my horse and seeing what a hero he is. He'll be disciplined, but that doesn't mean I can't spoil him, I'll buy him a pony, that way he can become better than everyone else, show those other rich brats he's the best."

She rolls her eyes as the little bundle squirms and cries. She stands and takes him from her husband. "It's time for little one to go to bed."

Levi's reluctant, but hands him over. "I'll leave you to it wife," His hand cups her cheek, a glint in his eye. "Come to me downstairs when you're done."

She shivers, but nods in agreement, watching him as he retreats downstairs.

As she settles in the child her mind starts analyzing Levi's change in behaviour over and over. Had the birth really changed him that much? Changed them both? Here she was thinking warmly of her abuser, smiling and laughing at his sweetness. Even during the pregnancy, he had treated her differently, he didn't have sex with her as roughly, he didn't beat her and was overall loving and sweet. He was like a real husband, tending to her needs, a life without stress or work as he took care of everything.

She looked into the face of the sleeping infant, and her heart squeezed. He looked just like his father, the same raven hair and grey eyes, she was trapped. She couldn't leave Levi now, where would she go? And if she thought escaping on her own was difficult enough, if she ever left with his child that would be unforgivable. Levi would hunt her down with more vigour. Where would she go? A single mother with a child? No one would take her in, and the thought of the little one on the streets when he could stay here and have everything he could ever want in life? The choice was simple, she had to stay. But that doesn't mean she couldn't make it easier on herself in the process.

==========================================

Evelyn stole into the living room, trying to gather the courage to speak to the man she called husband. His expression was as stern as ever, focused on his book. But she knew that it was just his focusing face, she had come to learn his expressions, all of his quirks and habits. Despite everything it was still Levi, the same person she struggled and cried with, and rejoiced at their victories. They had been best friends, telling each other everything. Her mind went back to those nights on the beach before all of this mess, their pants rolled up and barefoot in the sand. Her singing some song they both knew as he chased her to throw her in the waves, showing his smile and laughter that no one ever saw. She missed that Levi, and if having his children brought it back, it would be worth it.

"Levi?"

He looks up, nodding with approval. "You came, good, come sit by me."

"Uhm...before that- can we talk?"

Levi rolled his eyes, undoubtedly waiting for one of her rants about his behaviour. "What is it?"

She shifts between feet, trying to find the right words. "So, I was thinking," She takes deep breaths, trying to keep herself in check. "delivery wasn't as difficult as I thought-"

"Well that's good I suppose." He had already gone back to his reading, half listening to her.

Finally she blurts it all out. "I want another baby."

He freezes, turning slowly to look at her. "What did you just say?"

"I want another baby."

He scowls at her. "That's not something to tease me about wife."

"I'm not."

He shuts his book aggressively, coming to stand in front of her. "And why all of a sudden do you want to have my child when before you fought me so hard?"

She shakes slightly, his intimidating presence getting to her. "I...I like being mom."

At this he softens, taking her hands gently in his. "Oh honey...you really feel this way?"

She nods, tearing up a little, this kind of niceness she wasn't used to. "I do Levi...honest..."

He brings her gently into his arms, holding her close. "Okay, okay, we'll start trying soon, alright? Once you're all healed and everything then we'll start trying."

She held onto him, thankful that this had gone off so smoothly.

[skyloftian-nutcase]

I don't know if you're taking prompts or ideas but! If you'd like, this popped into my mind: Four/the colours around another link who just so happens to be colourblind

I take your hilarious request and raise you - what if Four himself is colorblind?

The palace hummed strangely as he reached for the sword in its pedestal. It felt like it had taken forever to get to this point, but now that the sword was in front of him, he felt a strange dread.

Shaking his head, Link reached forward and touched the sword, and it immediately started glowing and humming. Startled, he took a step back, but he couldn't release his hold on the hilt. His body felt like it was being pulled in a million different directions, his mind screaming and voices overlaying so loudly he wanted to pass out just to silence it. His breath was knocked out of him, and he dared to hope that he actually would faint, and his brain processed holding... four swords?

Four swords. Four breaths. Four hands. Four views of the palace, four--

Blinking, he looked around and screamed. What the--who was--

"Who are you?!" he yelled.

"Who am I?! Who are you?!" he yelled back.

There were--was this--

There were three more of him! They looked a little different by their clothes, wearing yellowish, and purpleish, and... yellowish.

Wait, but he was wearing yellow too! Or wait, no--he looked down and gasped in horror - now he had a purple colored tunic as well!

He stomped his foot. "What the actual hell."

Why was he suddenly--this was--okay, this was freaky, this had to be fake, he needed to fight these creeps!

Wait, no, maybe I need to just figu--

Fight! I need to fight! The aggression and fear was overwhelming, slamming into him and spurring him to swing the sword. One of the Links yelped and leapt out of the way while another deflected it.

"We need to figure out what's going on!"

He blinked. Wasn't he going to...? No! No, he needed to fight, this was a trick!

"Guys! It's called the Four Sword, maybe it--"

"There's no way it could possibly split me into four people, that's just completely impossible."

"It's magic!"

He huffed, tears stinging in his eyes. "It's stupid!"

He hated this. He hated this, he hated it he hated it--

"But, like, why am I wearing purple and so are you? Are we cursed?" the other purple one asked.

"Yeah, what the hell, why do you two get to be yellow!" Link snapped. Nothing made sense and nothing was familiar and he was altered and he couldn't even wear his clothes right?!

A yellow Link held up his hands to calm him down. "We can figure this out, okay?"

"No! This is stupid! I want this to stop!"

"I do too!" the other yellow one yelled, openly crying.

"But the legend says it took four people to stop Vaati," the other purple one said. "Maybe we can use this?"

"Are... are we ever going to be normal again?" Whiny Yellow asked.

Not Whiny Yellow looked worried. "I... I hope so."

"Okay, well, if we're doing this, we need to be able to coordinate," Other Purple said. "We'll need nicknames."

"Already got them," Link huffed, crossing his arms. "Let's go kick Vaati's butt so we can be normal again."

It took a good deal of time to figure out how they were supposed to work together, and it quickly became apparent that aspects of Link's personality were suddenly highlighted in different Quartered Links, nearly to an extreme degree that made it difficult for him to control himself. As they became less of a petrified mess and more of a team, a hot debate for nicknames started to break out.

"I am not Whiny Yellow!"

"Why can't you be Yellow, then we could call you Pissy."

"WHAT THE HELL YOU SON OF A--"

"DON'T INSULT OUR MOM YOU JERK!"

"Come on, it's like, so appropriate."

"IT IS NOT!!"

"Everybody, stop!" one of the Yellow Links said, holding out his arms. He cleared his throat and started pointing. "Smart Purple. Stupid Purple. Sad Yellow. Not Sad Yellow."

"I like Smart Purple," one of the purple pair said.

"This is ridiculous!" the other purple snapped. "We'll figure it out later, let's just get out of here!"

When the four emerged from the dungeon, they realized they really were terrified to go anywhere and reveal what had happened. Their father would have a meltdown.

Of course, that would imply they could keep such a secret from him. Which they could not. Because he was standing right outside of the dungeon.

Leon took a hesitant step back, eyes wide and confused. "Link...?"

Sad Yellow immediately started crying. "Father, we don't know what's going on, we just grabbed the sword and it did this to us, please don't be scared or mad at us please I--we don't know how to fix it--"

Angry Purple groaned, burying his face in his hands, wanting to punch Sad Yellow and scream. He didn't even dare look at their--his--their?!--hell if he knew.

"It's okay, it's okay," Leon quickly said, holding out his hands, but all the Links could see his hesitation in getting near them, and it stung. "We'll... we'll figure this out. At least the colors make it easy to distinguish you."

"What? No they don't!" Not Sad Yellow said, his face scrunched in confusion. "We have two yellows and two purples! We don't understand why we were picked with specific colors, but the purples are different from our usual yellow outfit."

Leon blinked. Then he blinked again. "Link... you're all different colors."

Everyone stared at him. "What?"

Slowly, their father pointed to each one, starting with Angry Purple. "Blue. Red. Green. Violet. None of you are yellow."

Angry Purple gawked another moment and then groaned, throwing his head back in annoyance. "You've gotta be kidding me. That dumb sword thought it was a good idea to differentiate us by freaking color?!"

Not Sad Yellow--wait, had Father said he was wearing green?--shrugged sheepishly. "Well... it's not like the sword knew we were colorblind."

"I almost forgot our tunic was supposed to be green!" Emo Yellow said thoughtfully.

Leon finally smiled, kneeling to be closer to their height and holding out his arms. "Well, you're all still my boys nonetheless. Let's get back to the city and see if we can figure this out."

[canyoufucksoniccharacters]

CAN YOU FUCK CHAOS?

... Y'know, the Sonic character. Not the abstract concept. You can't fuck concepts, last I checked. Might be wrong, though.

WARNING: SONIC FRONTIERS SPOILERS. Yes, the game's been out for a bit, but some people haven't played it yet, so be warned- it'll be cited often in this post, as it had some enormous lore drops related to Chaos, the Chao, and the Chaos Emeralds.

Strap in, this is a long one. At least, a bit longer than the usual post.

I would start with age, but that's kind of stupid. We know how long Chaos has been around, we know it's immortal, and we know it's pretty much a deity. Hell, Sonic Channel didn't even try listing an age, it was just listed as ''Unknown" while it was listed. Chronologically speaking, it's been around for over 3000 years. It's also not really been dormant dormant by any means, sure it's spent most of its life sealed inside the Master Emerald, but still seems to be able to come out of the emerald when needed or desired- such as during the events of Sonic Battle, where it came out of the emerald seemingly with the sole purpose of meeting Emerl and requesting a battle with him (At least, it can be interpreted as such, since you get the option to battle or not battle Chaos when you encounter it ingame).

On top of that, it's been implied that it protects the Chao from within the emerald one way or another, so it's about as old as the chronology would imply- although it likely can't physically age, considering the way the Chao life cycle works. If it did age, it would either be a really, really slow aging process, or it would have reincarnated by now, as Chao do once they're old enough. It isn't stated whether it was an adult or a child when it "mutated", but it's never been implied that it was a child, and considering the role of protector it assumes over the Chao of Angel Island, it's likely not a child.

You might say, though- it's still a mutated Chao! Chao are either weird sorta perma-babies, animals, or both, and they probably shouldn't be fucked. And I would maybe agree with you, before Sonic Frontiers came out, buuuut...

Yeah, these guys.

The Chao, as implied by Eggman in Egg Memo 11, are the remnants of the Ancients, after some kind of radiation corroded their DNA for countless years to the point where they turned into what we now know them as. Chaos' mutation seems to be less so a Chao becoming bigger and more powerful, and moreso the remaining DNA of the Ancients being brought back to the forefront and slightly regaining its form, seemingly more in the image of the anthropomorphic animals that now inhabit the world. Even the visible brain was there from the start- although it's hard to see on the adults, likely due to the amount of blur and sepia tone used for the flashbacks of the Ancients. The children have them pretty visible, though! Likely due to background color, amount of blur, etc.

This may seem like a red flag when it comes to Chaos, since the brain is always plainly easily visible, but it's clearly not an intended key feature or anything of the sort, and most likely just a result of the game's artstyle, as the concept art doesn't have the brain visible on any of the different Ancient types.

Interestingly, Chaos doesn't really seem to match any of these one to one- the visual similarity is obvious, and they're confirmed to be related genetically speaking, but Chaos has no pointed shapes on its hips to differentiate gender, and additionally has 2 small tendrils on the sides of its head that resemble the ones on the elders, but are far shorter than what is shown ingame and in the image; and on top of that, it has a short tail, for whatever reason.

Gender-related side tangent aside (it probably has no gender anyways, and it's all the better for it), clearly Chaos shows all the physical maturity needed, but...

Can it consent? Should you fuck Chaos? Is it ethical?

We're not exactly able to resort to our usual methods here, so let's pull out an ancient internet artifact- one that has been referenced and cited plenty of times, and is generally considered to be a good guide as to whether or not you should fuck a fictional being.

Ladies, gentlemen, those in between, and all those not entirely convinced of the societal construct that is the gender binary, I present to you;

The Harkness Test.

Now, aside from the fact that this image is visibly and verifiably old enough that smelling it would probably direct about 500 grams of dust straight into your lungs, it's generally a good guideline without any real holes in it. So, let's go by the boxes one by one- in reverse order, that is. Because it works better for the format.

Is it of sexual maturity for its species?

Although it likely can't reproduce- yes. I mean, this should be obvious by now; there is absolutely no implication that it was a child at the time of its mutation, and it very clearly resembles adult Ancients, as opposed to the children, which lack the long tendrils on both the adult Ancients and Chaos's heads. So, by all accounts, despite its ageless status, it's clearly of sexual maturity for both of the species that could be referenced for it.

Check.

Can it talk or otherwise communicate with language?

Chaos can't talk. Obviously. The Ancients somehow could, despite not having a mouth or lungs or vocal chords or anything of the sort, much like Chaos itself. BUUUUUUT-

This moment from Knuckles' story in Sonic Adventure implies that Tikal is able to communicate directly with Chaos, meaning that on some level, it can communicate and understand language- further reinforced by a later cutscene in the final story, where Tikal talks to Chaos to calm its anger, explaining that the fighting that angered Chaos in the first place is long over, and that the Chao it protected are alive and well, living in peace alongside people.

So, clearly, it can understand words, and it can communicate with some people, so best case scenario you can find a way to directly communicate with Chaos verbally, and worst case scenario you can get Tikal (or uh. her ghost?) to translate for you, although that might be a bit awkward considering it's unlikely that Tikal was an adult when she died, but it's really your only option. She probably knows what sex is anyways, she can be a mediator, doesn't need to get involved past that. Yes this is a very silly hypothetical scenario, but hey, it's there and it could help you out if you wanna fuck this thing.

Check.

Does it have human intelligence (or greater)?

This one is... Complicated. Again, Chaos can't speak directly, and the aforementioned line is all we have to go off of- and it's unclear whether what Tikal said is Chaos's exact wording, or what she gleamed from communicating with it somehow. On top of that, Chaos is strung along quite easily by Eggman; though Eggman loses control of Chaos entirely once it acquires the 7 chaos emeralds, so this could be interpreted as Chaos going along with the plan with full intent to stab Eggman in the back once it has all the power it needs to let out the anger that it's been building for so many years.

So, SA1 doesn't give us too much on this end. In Sonic Battle, though, it's shown fighting with a decent degree of technique, using its stretching properties for some tricky maneuvers, as well as poking its limbs out of the ground. It's definitely a capable fighter, and while it's not a martial artist by any means, there is a degree of technique to what it does, which would make sense considering the Ancients had dedicated warriors which likely had fighting prowess outside of just using mechs.

That's really all we have on that end as far as games go, since the Chaos in Sonic Forces isn't exactly real, and brain size isn't that good of a frame of reference either since the brains of the adult ancients are quite hard to see and blurry- although the size does mostly seem to match up, adjusting for how small the Ancients' heads look compared to Chaos's.

Our only guide from this point on is Sonic Channel artwork, which is non-canon but should still provide a decent enough guideline.

One of these is obviously much more serious than the other- although they both look really nice. The way Chaos is shown kneeling on the left image implies a capability for body language similar to that of people, although the purpose of the pose is quite ambiguous- it could either be accompanying Tikal in whatever ritual is being performed, or be trying to mimic her position, similar to that of a prayer, in a sort of "Monkey see, monkey do" manner.

The right one is obviously completely impossible (I don't think the ancient echidnas knew how to make pizza, let alone make entire diners- although their food probably slapped. Probably.) and is mostly just there to look cute, but it still does show Chaos doing something that requires a large amount of technique. It's cooking! And it seems very good at it, judging by the pizza Tikal is holding. I'd try one, it looks really good! ... Shit, now I'm hungry. Anyways.

These images, although non-canon, do depict Chaos with a level of intelligence similar to that of humans, one more than the other- although it has full freedom to, considering it's the sillier and clearly more for-fun of the two, no matter how hard it's rocking that little chef's outfit. It seems more or less in line with its behavior in the flashbacks and Sonic Battle, with a few creative liberties.

So while it can't talk, it seems to be about even with humans. Think something like Gardevoir and Gallade from Pokemon.

Check.

So, to recap; Is it of sexual maturity for its species? ✅ Can it talk or otherwise communicate with language? ✅ (Though you may need some assistance, ideally from Tikal.) Does it have human intelligence (or greater)? ✅

Chaos passes the Harkness Test.

So, with all this taken into account, we can come to a verdict. I would normally write a conclusion, but this post is long enough as is. And so, the verdict is...

You can, with some effort and maybe a bit of help, fuck Chaos.

I know a lot of you are gonna be very, very happy about this one. Go ham.

[warpedsenseofmercy]

A Theory on Pain Tolerance and Trauma

I have a theory: people of extreme trauma or severe depression have a higher pain tolerance than people who haven't experienced trauma or depression. 

This theory is based solely on personal experience. I have a stupid high pain tolerance. Years ago, I broke a toe at work and only acknowledged it because my boss heard a snapping sound. He asked if I had just broken something, as a joke. I replied that I thought I had just broken my toe, but I really needed to know what to do about the late Pacific deliveries. While in labor, I tried to convince the student doctors that I could insert my own epidural. (They fucked it up anyway, so statistically I had a better shot of hitting my own spinal cord than they did. During contractions.) I'm pretty sure I broke the tip of my finger the other day at work, and though I did see stars for a moment, was more irritated that it split my latex glove and got industrial solvent on my skin. 

My theory stems from another theory that children of trauma process events differently in our brain. We are calm during high stress events, and can parse facts quickly in periods of high anxiety. This is partially due to our brains processing far more information than necessary in our day to day function. We constantly analyze the ridiculous amount of data our senses pick up because we're looking for dangers others might not see. Our trauma has trained our brain. 

I'll give an example. I have an older family member who is a passive aggressive narcissist. They expect me to know what they're thinking and how my behavior negatively affects them. My brain has been trained to hear aggressive dish washing. Let's break that down: I have been trained, from a young age, to know if this person is angry by the way they scrub a dish. It's 60% body language, 20% facial expressions, 10% sound, and 10% being aware of the current state of my environment. I have to constantly reassess my environment to know if the aggression is toward me, and be able to determine my options within a millisecond. 

People find this ability hilarious and fascinating. Go into any restaurant, bar, public space, and I can identify points of egress faster than a trained member of the military. Trust me, I've tested it. Crowds are panic-inducing because of the shear number of variables. My senses gather too much information and I can't process it quickly enough.

How does this relate to pain tolerance? Outside stimuli is far more important than internal stimuli. External stimuli cannot be controlled, is in a constant state of flux, and must be analyzed quickly and repeatedly in order to adjust my reaction. Internal stimuli can be controlled and/or ignored if it doesn't affect my response time. 

If this sounds exhausting,  rest assured it is. 

So, internal stimuli - pain, emotion, panic - is minimalized to accept input of external stimuli. The brain only has so much computing capacity. It focuses on what it has been trained is most important. And in the case of trauma survivors, the most important information the brain can focus on is what's going on outside. 

I have absolutely no scientific data to back up these theories, but I'd love to delve into them if they exist. And would love to see any counter arguments, because holy shit please prove me wrong. 

[alostlittleriverlotus]

Wait, that was a stupid question. We already are. Then, my actual ask is, what's your favorite pass time? Like what do you do when ur not on Tumblr??

Let me think. Mostly play video games honestly. DS, 2DS XL, Switch and after I move I'll have my Wii U and GameCube to play games on.

I will sometimes draw and paint, most general art. I do write fanfiction and write stories I hope to be published one day. These are all pretty rare since ADHD and fatigue kick my butt most days.

I watch mostly YouTube as of right now. Typically the gaming side of things with like Markiplier, Call Me Kevin, RTGame, Alpharad, stuff like that, but I watch a variety of content.

I'm on my phone a lot. I mostly just check fandoms for my special interests like the Splatoon subreddit or scrolling on here. Or just checking news.

I'm in the process of moving rn so I've been busy organizing some stuff and putting stuff away.

The only show I really watch right now is Bluey just cause I'm a traumatized individual lol, but I'll get with my friend MA on call and we'll watch videos or shows together. Like, we're trying to watch the rest of The Owl House, but with her busy schedule and not getting home till like 9 pm my time, yeah, we don't really got time to do that.

It really does just boil down to mostly video games and watching something and focusing on taking care of my body since disabilities and unable to get help for em thanks to financial stuff and relying on my parents. So I pretty much just spend time in my room, chatting with my friend MA and my girlfriend, watching stuff which is whatever I feel like, playing video games, and working on the boxing stuff up part of moving when I can. I also love reading, but I have a lot of books I bought for my trauma so they can emotionally exhaust me 😅

My favorite past time is def video games and watching stuff that seems so cool to me. For instance, watching speed runs or Mario Kaizo stuff. Since my hands don't respond well, I could not do a lot of it though I do want to get into speed running one day, so I love watching these people do things I cannot do. I love commentary side of YouTube. I love video essays on stuff I would normally not care about or stuff I haven't thought about in a long time, especially when it comes to lore of pieces of media that I will never care about. I have a wide variety of games and game systems to play, I'll also often play with my friend MA when we get the chance. So those are definitely my favorites. Just doing stuff that lets me relax, turn off my brain, or watch something that will make me almost die of laughter. I've played video games since as long as I can remember, starting with like educational kids games on the computer before I could even read. So they've always been a big comfort for me and a big part of my life and I love to challenge myself now with them and explore a variety of different games.

One thing I wanna get back into is Legos at some point. I miss building with Legos and so probably for a holiday or something or if I can save up for it, I'll just buy myself a nice Lego set to build.

I rambled a lot cause my thoughts are very disjointed, but I hope that gave ya an idea of what I do. I mostly play on my switch these days since it's the easiest for my to access. With my set up in my room, it's difficult to play the Wii and GameCube without back problems or the Wii remote struggling with the sensor bar + I'm moving so I'm getting them packed away. And then for my DS's, it's just I don't keep em charged honestly 😅 though I am actually playing Leaf Green on my DS right now so yay, I finally charged one lol. But yeah, that's pretty much all I do :p with video games and YouTube being the most prominent. I also mostly talk to MA and my gf a lot of the time. They're both long distance so texting is our main way to communicate since we can't just like hang out. But yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm gonna stop now lol. It's basically just whatever I hyperfixate on most of the time.

Edit: Pffft, just remembered. I roleplay with MA a lot. Mostly just comfort roleplays for both of us. I used to roleplay a lot and even had an Envy (fullmetal alchemist brotherhood) roleplay account, but gave it up cause of how fandoms can be and just some personal reasons and anxiety around interacting with people. I do that about just as much, when MA is free of course.

[disdaidal]

Grounded they say? Ok, here's a personal favourite of mine: Jason Dixon from Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri.

From his Wiki:

"Dixon is incredibly inept, lazy, and incompetent. Despite wanting everyone around him to respect his authority, he has no qualms with abusing his position of power to do what he wants. He is also openly racist, yet expresses great disdain when people call him out on it.

By the end of the film, he has a change of heart after receiving a letter from his former police chief reinforcing his desire to become a detective, going as far to instigate a fight and get mercilessly beaten in order to obtain a DNA sample of someone suspected of murdering the daughter of a woman he despises."

I love this character, because he is engaging and incredibly well acted. The audience, however, is largely composed by adults, that understand complex morality issues and don't see or divide the world in black or white. Discussing this character is pleasant among fans. Not to mention depicting these characters is very important to fight racism in the first place. I can't stress this enough.

I hope antis will understand this while growing up. It's harmful dividing the world in good and bad people only.

That's interesting. o.O This is literally my first time even hearing about this character/movie, but you've piqued my interest. Thank you for bringing this up, I'm going to add this movie to my watchlist!

"The audience, however, is largely composed by adults, that understand complex morality issues and don't see or divide the world in black or white" & "Not to mention depicting these characters is very important to fight racism in the first place"

Totally, absolutely agree. The world isn't black and white, people aren't black and white, the decisions we make aren't always black and white. We are far more complex than that as human beings and living creatures on this planet. We shouldn't be reduced to just 'good' and 'bad'. It's impossible for one thing because our brains don't actually work like that in real life - we make decisions based on what's best for us and for the people around us, and not all those decisions are good unfortunately. And it's just really redundant, condescending to even assume that we can be sorted into good and bad, just like the students are sorted into different houses in the Harry Potter series. We're all grey characters in our lives, more or less. We make mistakes, bad decisions, hurt people around us, sometimes even ourselves. All we can do is try to learn from them and do better next time. But learning and improving isn't easy or even possible, if we're not even given the chance to learn and improve ourselves in the first place.

Which is why representation is so important. We can't deal with difficult things or even begin to understand them if they're always hidden in plain sight. It's like telling someone 'this is bad' and when you're being questioned about it, you start calling them stupid and accuse them of bad things. It doesn't work that way. The only way people can truly start processing things, understand them and maybe even learn something from them, is when they actually have to face them.

It's not gonna be pretty, it's not gonna be sugarcoated for you and it may not even have a happy ending. But that's reality. You can't just go around asking for representation and then start screaming and kicking around when it's not the kind of representation that you asked for. Racism imo is one of these things. It's a difficult, touchy subject in our current society. But if we don't actually talk about it, like proper grownups, instead of like bickering children, or keep skipping around the subject, completely avoiding it. Then guess what? Things won't change, ever. Nothing's gonna change. Because we aren't actually dealing with it, not in a healthy kind of way at least. Fighting doesn't solve it, avoiding doesn't solve it either. We need to find a common ground and actually talk about it. Like grownups. Try to understand each other, where it's coming from and can we do anything to change it or at least improve it. It's wishful thinking maybe, too idealistic perhaps. But I truly believe in facing the difficult things instead of just denying or avoiding them.

But. From what I've seen so far, it's largely the younger Stranger Things fanbase that participates and actively encourages this kind of cancel culture thing. I haven't met a whole lot of older fans who actually care about fictional characters enough to debate over them, let alone get themselves into fights over them. Most people at 25+ have way bigger issues in their lives; it only makes sense.

In my 30+ years of life, I have never ever needed to defend myself this hard for liking any fictional character - not until I got into the Stranger Things/Billy Hargrove fandom almost two years ago. I didn't even have to block anyone before (besides bots), even though I've stanned literal mass murderers (fictional) and other very problematic characters (again fictional). I didn't have to go to the fandom/shipping tags ready to block new people every time, when I went looking for something entirely different (and much more pleasant) things there. Never, not even once, had I people coming at me and accusing me of racism, pedophilia etc. etc., like actual serious crimes, because I liked the wrong fictional characters/ships.

And now? It's almost my daily life on Tumblr. It's pointless and so ridiculous. :D Because we're not even talking about real people here anymore; we're talking fictional characters. It feels absurd, surreal even.

I don't understand how and why we've come to this, but it's gotten completely out of hand. I'm sure we all have bigger things in our lives to worry about, than some problematic fictional rat boys with a mullet and wearing dangle earrings. <3

[the-firebird69]

You're suddenly seeing something it must be able to get angry and we do too he helped design something after those kits and ripsaw is supposed to forget he designed the kids for motorcycles I mean these people are complete freaking assholes and delusional so he wants us to go after it right running around laughing and they're dumber than hell there's a lot of products that he works with other people on and he can't get to it from here and he can't direct it he said I want you to go after it is way too many products for him to remember he definitely wants people to do it

Thor Freya

We're on top of it but we need to form teams we need people to come forward and start forming a team I guess I can put up on the board who's running it and that we have openings for majors and tenants and what areas are open it's a good idea there's no areas that are really covered so I can do it in the computer and once they sign on formally it turns different color I want this done and we'll switch out to get to find someone for your spot it's not that hard and it really would help out and hopefully a new new enlistee we need this done I mean that's ridiculous the attitudes horrendous

Frank Castle hardcastle

People are so greedy they can't see anything and people are hanging on to stuff and it's getting ruined to tell you we need to announce the value of everything is going down Harley-Davidson is down 20% from its original value and it's because the facility is eroding the equipment and pretty soon it's going to be worth worth half and it won't do anything he has a feeling that they're not interested in grabbing it and want to keep us from it just to keep society from doing anything but being stagnant and dependence on the government so we're going to take the government over and we're doing that and we're also going to take over businesses and they can try for ships all they want mostly doesn't seem like they're launching

Thor Freya

Nothing I say will stop the trumps trumpsters from getting shot in the head they declare victory over me every few seconds demand to sit there and be annoying and later that afternoon they get their brains flown out they're ridiculous pile of s*** the problem is they don't know it they can't remember what happens to them you can't use it to discipline or control at all you're not obeying most laws I mean they should be arrested every few minutes and off me they don't care so we have to start taking territory weaponry and more and I want a huge share of those stashes and caches it's what we did it for and if I have to sit here and suffer that stupid a****** is going to lose it all to us

Zues

I believe the same thing we did a lot of work haven't take all this stuff in the extraction process has been real slow but right now back to everybody is at those places and we got to get rolling and I mean it I want to take it all because my husband is saying your father that is he did most of the work encouraging the moron and he sees it he says we did a lot of it too and that's perfect we got to get teams together massive ones I want to pull it all out I want every single piece of equipment and I want to chase down anything that someone else gets and we hear you again blindly no we actually need this and we need to start pushing like this right now

Hera

We're going to get going on this stuff we needed this a while ago and now we're getting it we need the hardware that's what we mean I'm going to go take it tons of it they only huge huge assholes you're going to pay through the nose and we're going to take them down too wise ass with the phone in his hands you can go for a long walk I'll go short.dock. John remillard who thinks I don't know it is so phone and by the way some of the cell phones that we carry our armed you guys don't care

So we have an agenda today and we're going to follow it we have several goals to meet one of them is to take all the guys stuff I mean all of it I got to get in there and pull it out I'm going to send in Giants and care less about these twists they're so stupid they think they've got the AI so we should take advantage of it we'll see you too they're all a bunch of morons can take it they're going to find out where we are

Thor Freya

Olympus

[extravaguk]

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: But above all things, the last thing you expected to happen when you came back was to show your tits and get pierced by none other than motherfucking Jeon Jungkook.

Jeon Jungkook. Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

wordcount: 15k

genre: summer!au, ex high school classmaters, kinda frenemies to lovers, tattoo artist!&piercing artist!jungkook, popular!reader

rated: m (fluff - smut - angst)

warnings: you broke jungkook's heart you bitch!! , oral sex (m&f), protected sex (shocking tbh), CL as your bestie it doesnt get better than that! idk i dont wanna spoil too much

author's note: fucking finally dude!! i've been writing this since february but school was kicking my ass. now that i finished my exams and mercury is in gemini i was able to finish it. if you read this, i hope you enjoy it!

Inkphoria

You've been standing outside the shop re-reading the word for fifteen minutes, although it definitely feels like it has been longer. You're gripping the flyer too tightly, rumpling the paper in your hand until you're pretty much sure it's ruined. It's the first day of June, and it's already too hot. The sun and humid weather are causing beads of sweat to form in your hairline and your white tank top to stick to your skin. Your jean shorts didn't feel this uncomfortable a few hours ago and you're sure the heat is causing your mascara to transfer to your eyelids and lower lashline. You've never needed a slushie and a smoke this bad in forever, even if you knew the later would make your parents lose their shit.

Inkphoria

You read it again. Your brain is trying to guess what font its written in, an excuse to try to steady your heart beat until your nerves ease a little and you can finally gather the courage to step into the damn shop. You've noticed a few people passing by giving you strange looks because maybe it hasn't been fifteen minutes. Perhaps you've been unmoving like an idiot in the middle of the street for longer than you want to admit.

Chaelin's voice echoes inside your head.

'Its not that much of a big deal. It's not even that painful, trust me.'

You wish you could trust your best friend, but your best friend is also the same woman who assured you Cats was the movie of the year. Yes, not 'Cats: The Musical'. 'Cats', the movie.

'And this could be a great start to get out of your comfort zone and start living your life exactly the way you want to, not the way people expect you to. Not the way your family wants you to, not the way Adam wanted you to.'

But although her credibility could sometimes be questionable - like that time she also told you she'd tried marmite and 'honestly, it's not as bad as people make it out to be'-, you also didn't trust anybody in this world as much as you trusted her. She had always been your entire support system, the only one around you who never sugarcoated, who always treated you as an equal, who was always there for you to help you discover yourself and, at the same time, remind you of who you were.

'And it's gonna look so hot, too.'

That's it. Sticking the wrinkled flyer on your back pocket, your feet finally start moving. It doesn't take longer than three strides and you're pushing open the door.

The first thing you notice is that, thankfully, the shop is empty. The second thing you notice is the bright sky blue walls, a green undertone peaking through. Your eyes scan nervously the interior. Frames with tattoo designs and people modeling other different designs decorate the walls, some skateboards also hanging from the ceiling. A few plants in the corner, and two leather couches on either side of the room. Your scanning stops on the counter, where a girl with short, platinium hair and -what you guess is- the eighty percent of her body inked. Face included. She's been looking at you, a smirk tugging at her lips. Her tone is amused when she speaks

"Hi." she says. "You can come closer, you know? We don't bite."

Great. As if you couldn't feel more out of place, apparently you also couldn't look more out of place.

"Sorry." you gulp as you walk forward. "It's my first time doing anything like this."

She laughs this time, but it's not mean. It's not mocking, thank God, and the smile she sends you is as warm as the weather, friendly, luckily helping you calm down a bit. "A virgin, huh? JK's gonna love this." your eyes jump in surprise, but she's fast to wave her hands in front of you. "Just a joke. So, first time getting a tattoo. You have something in mind, honey?"

"Um, no. Not a tattoo. Not yet, I think." you wet your lips, regretting not reaplying chapstick before stepping inside. "A piercing."

"Oh! Cool!" she claps her hands, too excited for your own taste, pulling from under the counter a catalogue. "So, where will it be? Cartilogue? Nose? A lot of people are getting their septums pierced right now, though, so you might-"

"Nipples. Like, one of them."

Her gaze finds yours in surprise, although her face swiftly transforms again into an amiable expression. "Now, that's badass. Alright!" she skims through the pages of the catalogue until she finds the nipple piercing collection. You scratch your head before wiping your forehead sweat-free. "You can pick either barbells or hoops, although barbells heal faster and they don't move around as much. There's different kinds of metal, too. Gold or platinium. If your skin is sensitive, I recommend titanium. It's hypoallergenic and not as problematic."

The blonde keeps talking as you nod your head, a smile making its way into your face while silently thanking her for her easygoing personality. It quickly makes you feel comfortable and stupid for being so terrified of doing this.

Once you decide, settle on the cost and sign the papers, she stands up from the stool she'd been sitting on. "Ok, I'll go tell my coworker. He's been sketching tattoos all morning, it's time he gets to work!" she laughs, but suddenly your smile banishes and your throat shuts down.

"He?" your alarmed tone halts her motions and she looks back at your frightened expression.

He? A he is going to pierce your nipple? You're about to let a random stranger, a HE, see and touch one of your boobs and then pierce a needle through one of your nipples?

"Oh, baby, don't worry. I'd do it myself if I knew how to, but I only do tattoos. Most of our staff are on summer vacation so it's mostly just him and I. If you don't feel comfortable, which is totally understandable, you can wait until september when Minzy comes back and she can do it for you." It's her turn to scratch the back of her head as she adds: "but trust me, we're professionals. He's not a creep or anything like that. He's been doing this for a long time. He won't cross any boundaries."

September? You won't even be here in september. Fuck.

Sure, you could do it when you move back into the city. But this summer was supossed to be the summer. You already decided after your breakup with Adam that there would be no trace of the old you. That it was time to push yourself, to do the things that you've always wanted to do, unapologetically. To find the new you, the real you. To stop being scared.

So after going through you options for a few seconds and taking a deep breath, you make up your mind.

"It's fine. I can do it."

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"JK, sweetheart!"

Jungkook is finishing drawing a Chinese dragon when Mijoo opens the door without knocking. Again. He puts the pen down, rubbing his eyes. It's monday, a slow monday, not much work, and he had hoped it would stay that way until closing time. It's summer and Jungkook hates summer. He hates the heat, he hates being drenched in sweat, and he hates the fact that he can do nothing about it. Because working in the summer is terrible. Summer makes him lazy, makes him want to bathe in a tub full of iced water and not get out until he turns into a raisin and october comes. It makes him irritable. Summer makes him annoyed by people -like Mijoo, even if he loves her to death- and himself.

"I got a girl here who wants a nipple piercing, her first piercing by the way, so get your shit ready and bla bla bla. Straight titanium barbell. Also, don't flirt and don't be creepy. She almost ran away when I told her a male was going to be touching and piercing her tit, be mindful of that. She's too cute, if you want to get her number you should wait until it's done. I think that's it. I'll bring her in in a minute."

Mijoo leaves as fast as she talks, but Jungkook is already used to it. He's already used to the headaches her mouth causes too. He sighs before standing up, tying his too-long raven hair into the best bun he can manage. He washes his hands, sets the table up, sits on the chair and puts the gloves on. He's too busy sterilizing the jewerly when Mijoo comes back with you.

"Alright, my babies. I'll leave you to it." she turns to you. "He'll explain everything, from how the process will be to how to take care of it after it's done." she leaves before saying bye, closing the door behind her, and then he finally turns to you.

Your eyes meet and suddenly everything stops. He almost drops the sterilizing machine, his whole body tensing, going into panic mode as he recognizes you immediatly. His hands shake.

Of course he does. Of course he recognizes his high school crush. The too goody two shoes, too pretentious and too rich, too good for everybody and, most importantly, 'too good for Jeon Jungkook' girl of his high school dreams. Of course he recognizes the girl he had confessed his stupid crush to when he was sixteen. Of course he recognizes the girl who rejected and broke his young and foolish heart when he was a dumb teenager.

It doesn't matter that six years have passed ever since. He still knows every lock of your hair like the palm of his hand. He still remembers the shape of your lips and the exact shade of your eyes. He can still identify the body he fantasized about -and jacked off to- when he was a hormonal teen, now filled in all the right places. Now a grown woman.

Just one look at you after years and years of pining is enough to almost make him faint. And grow a boner under his jeans.

And by the look on your face, your eyes wide and your mouth agape, you recognize him as well.

Dammit.

He schools his features and clears his throat. Forces his body to relax and compose himself, because he's not a teenager anymore. He's also a grown man, who has matured, who now has much more experience with women than he did back then. He had already embarrased himself enough when he was sixteen to be doing it all over again. You're just another attractive girl in a sea of attractive women.

He turns to you. You still haven't said anything. Neither has he.

"Um, you can sit on the table." he manages, motioning to the set up in front of him. He watches you taking doubtful steps until you're sitting down, your eyes avoiding his gaze. He almost forgot you were here to get pierced. Holy shit, you were here to get pierced. To get your nipple pierced.

You're a professional, Jungkook. You can do this, Jungkook. You've seen boobs before, Jungkook. You've pierced nipples before, Jungkook.

Clearing his throat again and forcing his hands to stay by his side, he speaks. "The... The top." your gaze finds his, like a puppy about to get scolded. You look at your top, realization dawning on you. "You don't have to take it off. You can just pull it down."

So you do, pulling the straps of the white tank top down and dragging the fabric down with trembling fingers. No bra. Jungkook gulps as your breasts comes into vision. As perfect as he had imagined years ago. His cock twitches. Round, full, perky and so damn inviting he has to hold himself back from latching onto one nipple with his mouth around it and swirling his tongue over the nub until you're a pretty, moaning, little mess on his piercing tabl-

He closes his eyes for just a second before reminding himself to act like the 23 year old Jungkook he's tried so hard to become. The confident, assured Jungkook he is.

"Okay, this is how it'll go. First I'll clean it and scrub it to get rid of any bacteria." he's so glad he hasn't stuttered yet. 23 year old Jungkook doesn't stutter like 17 year old Jungkook. He's also glad he can pick the alcohol bottle and the surgical scrub without trembling. When he faces you again, you're watching his motions with your lip caught between your teeth. That has him swallowing the lump in his throat.

Making eye contact with him again, you take a deep breath and offer a small nod, so he gets to work. He can show you and himself he's a grown man. A grown man who can pierce a nipple without appearing like it's the first time he's seen a boob in his life. The sooner he does it, the sooner it's over.

Jungkook wets the paper towel with alcohol before carefully wiping over your nub with it. Your back arches, probably from the cold feeling, he guesses. He rubs it a few times before throwing it in the trash can nearby. He avoids looking at how enticing the soft peak is salluting him when he reaches for the marker. He doesn't say anything when he dots it with it, jaw clenched and his dick painfully stiff.

"Lay back." his voice low as he commands, turning away to get the clamp. When he slides closer, he tries to ignore the view: you, with your hair sprawled and your sweaty, shiny skin and your eyes focused on the cieling, nipple fully erect, like the star of one of his most erotic dreams. He extends his free gloved hand before he can stop himself, fingers carefully working the nub until he's sure it's painfully hard. Almost as hard as he is.

You gasp, your back arching again. He stills and looks at you, your cheeks flushed pink. Probably from the heat, he guesses again. Or at least that's what he tells himself. He can't stop himself from wondering how responsive would you be in a different setting, most likely his bed while his teeth play with your breast and his cock dives into-

"You okay?" he studies your face, your eyes not meeting his and instead still focusing on the white ceiling.

"Mhm." you reply with a small voice.

"Relax, alright? It'll be over soon." his voice is as gentle as he can, his fingers mindlessly caressing your breast to try to soothe your nerves. Or maybe it's just because he's a selfish bastard. Whatever it is, he forces himself to bring the clamp to your nipple, securing it around it.

"Take a few deep breaths. This will only take a second of pain and then it will go away." He misses the way your mouth falls open, but he doesn't miss the way your eyes squeeze tight as the needle goes in.

"Ah!" he definitely doesn't miss that either. He goes rigid for a second, because that didn't fucking sound like a cry of painfulness. It's breathy, and whiny, not too loud and, for fucks sake, if that's how you sound when you're getting fucked, he swears to God-

He feels your heartbeat under his hands when he puts the barbell in and then the bandage over it. He takes a look at you, chest moving up and down. And then you take a look at him and what he sees is almost enough to take you right there.

Reddened cheeks, drops of sweat framing your face and those eyes glazed with something he's seen too much in the women he's fucked throughout his life. They're half lidded, mascara adorning your long lashes and almost smudged, looking right through him.

"Jungkook..." and your voice, as you say his name -acknowledging him for the first time since you stepped into his shop, for the first time since you were sixteen-, it's hoarse, almost inaudible, like you just came all over his-

He's on his feet in an instant like he's been burned. "It may bleed for the first week, and it can be really sore. The swelling will eventually come down." he's quickly tidying up the table, a bottle in his hand that he hands to you without looking directly. "Wash it gently with this soap and warm water once per day. Don't touch it. Wear a comfortable...bra. If it gets crusty, clean it with saline. Not alcohol or any other thing you might clean a wound with. The soap I just gave you or saline. Nothing else."

He's pacing around the room as he takes his gloves off and throws them in the trash bin, too agressively maybe, then he keeps rambling, like he's hurriedly trying to make you leave as soon as possible. "Avoid pools and the sea. It takes about six months to a year to heal, so don't... don't touch it, don't play with it or..." he clears his throat, "don't let anyone else play with it. And if it gets infected, come back immediately and I'll take a look at it." which he honestly hopes it won't happen. When he faces you, your top is back on and you're getting off the table.

"Alright, um...I'll do that." clearing your throat, your hand gripping the doorknob. "Thank you."

But right before you can exit the room, Jungkook says your name.

"_____." when you turn around to face him, it takes a few seconds for him to make eye contact from across the room. "It was good to see you."

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"Let me see!"

It's the first thing Chaelin says when she opens the door to her appartment. It's on the second floor, small enough to compare it to most expensive appartments you'd stayed in throughout your life, but big enough for Chaelin, her cat and her -impressive- collection of acrylic nail kits and pairs of high heels. It's also big enough for her to offer you the only guest room until summer is over so you didn't have to, one, stay at your parents' place, and two, find an appartment in a short period of time for a short period of time.

When you left years ago, you did so with the thought of 'never looking back'. You never really expected to return here, of all places. Maybe visit your best friend for a weekend at most, have dinner with your parents on a saturday and then go back to the new life you'd made for yourself on a sunday.

But that was before you'd caught Adam cheating.

Tale as old as time: childhood sweethearts get engaged, move in together, son of a bitch sleeps with the assistand he told his girlfriend not to worry about, and then the brokenhearted girl packs her bags and leaves the cheating bastard begging for her to come back.

You'd be lying if you said you were surprised.

Throughout your life, you'd learned to expect many things, regardless of being sheltered and babied by your family since you were born. Watched too much Maury and Dr.Phil. Too much Gossip Girl to know what the deal with life really is.

So, thankfully, you'd only shed a few tears, mostly because your ego and self steem were slightly triggered. You'd realize long before that your feelings for Adam started to disappear once he popped the question and you said yes. Your love story began as teenagers but soon after graduating, the two of you went on different paths: you'd matured, grown into your twenties while he got stuck at 17 and never stopped acting as such.

So yeah, whatever, break ups are hard. But they're not as hard when the love is gone and the sole reason to stay with your partner is to please your parents. You were also right when you expected your mom to tell you to 'forgive and forget' because 'those things just happen, it's not a big deal, honey'.

But above all things, the last thing you expected to happen when you came back was to show your tits and get pierced by none other than motherfucking Jeon Jungkook.

Jeon Jungkook. Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

The lanky nerd with braces, glasses and an anime obsession much bigger than his hentai obsession, which is saying a lot. The shy, awkward classmate who'd stuttered his undying crush for you when you were just kids. That one who you had rudely rejected like the bitch you used to be in high school.

But my God, Jeon Jungkook was anything but a kid now.

You were shocked. You were gagged. Couldn't seem to fathom what was happening and what your eyes were seeing. It took you a while to close your mouth when you realized JK was Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie.

With messy black hair, a smoldering gaze free of glasses, piercings adorning both ears, and his right eyebrow,, the braces long gone showing perfectly straight - but still bunny like- teeth. The clothes he wore were loose, all black, but it was impossible not to notice the muscles of his back and arms, covered with tattoos from his hands to his forearms. You'd bet there were more of them underneath the fabric.

It was awkward at first. You didn't know what to do, or what to say. Didn't know if he rememberd you. So you chose to stay quiet while your body chose to react like it had never been in the presence of an attractive young man in it's entire life.

And oh, did it react.

He was reluctant, his old timid demeanor peeking through his newly adopted persona. But as soon as those hands came in contact with your skin, your whole body was lit on fire. Like you were 16 and losing your virginity over again and it was the first time a dude touched your boobs.

There shouldn't have been anything erotic about it -besides the fact that your entire breasts were exposed-, it should've been just a professional procedure. But those gloved fingers touched and pinched and suddenly you were too aware of Jeon Jungkook and the way you were starting to sweat profously, not due to the heat of the season.

You tried to distract yourself by looking at the cieling and not at his gorgeous face. Tried to avoid thinking about Jeon Jungkook and how his mouth would feel wrapped around you. Tried not to think about the way your panties were a second skin to your folds, and how tempted you were to grind your hips until you recieved some sort of friction with the jean fabric of your shorts. You wonder if he noticed you squeezing your thighs together. You hope not.

And then the needle happened. You never thought of yourself as a particularly kinky person. Sex with Adam was boring for the most part and you'd lost your libido for a long time. Stopped thinking about sex altogether. But the pain. The pain mixed with his hand rubbing soothing circles on your breast and his voice, as sweet as honey, guiding you through it. It made you reconsider a lot of things you'd once dismissed as 'weird' or 'deviant'

You swear you almost came right on his table.

And then your eyes connected, you made the mistake of calling his name like a satisfied woman who still needed more, and it was all gone. He stood up like a scared cat, gave you a bunch of explanations about the aftercare that you barely grasped without even looking at you and pretty much rushed you to leave.

So you walked, all the way from the tattoo parlor to Chaelin's appartment, mortified, and completely humilliated.

"Are you gonna let me see or not?" your friend says expectantly as you finally sit down after chugging a glass of iced water. You sigh, placing the glass on the table before carefully pulling down your top. "Oh my God, it looks so cool!" she gasps and you can't help a smile while she studies it in amazement. "Did it hurt?"

"Um, I guess." you keep out the part where you almost orgasmed, obviously, stopping her hand from touching when she reaches towards you. "Wait, no. He said something about not touching it for like six months or a year, I don't remember."

At that, Chaelin's eyebrows quirk up. "He? It was a he? Was he cute, at least?"

"You won't believe this..." looking away for a few seconds, you take a deep breath. "It was Jeon Jungkook."

There's a pause, a silence that fills the room when Chaelin's jaw drops. "Jeon Jungkook...pierced your nipple?"

You close your eyes, bracing yourself for what you're a hundred percent sure is coming.

"Ha..." there it is. "Ha ha..." you still know there's more. "Ha ha ha..."

Chaelin laughs hysterically for about God knows how long, while you keep drinking your glass of water unfaced, your mind drifting back to Guk. Gukkie. Jeongukkie, his tattoos and his stupid gloved hands.

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You know he's here.

Everything was cool, you were doing alright, having a great time with your vodka sprite in hand and your cute white bikini on. Chaelin was by your side, the guys were excited to have you back and thankfully, you'd avoided most questions about Adam and they'd avoided digging too deep into the topic. You'd sunbathed the whole afternoon, kept away from the water like he'd told you and ate the Hawaiian pizza Yoongi insisted on ordering despite Namjoon's and Jimin's complaints.

It's at night, when you're a little tipsy and your cheeks are flushed, that you feel it. You'd barely noticed Taehyung disappearing to let in a new guest.

You don't see him, but you feel him.

You're sitting on the pool tile steps, legs dangling and the water baely reaching your belly to make sure it doesn't touch your very sensitive and newly pierced nipple. Your back is facing the sliding glass doors of Hoseok's house, but the moment you hear his voice, smooth but animated as he converses with Taehyung, your body wakes up immediately, back straightening, goosebumps forming on your arms and nipples tightening against the fabric of your two piece.

You don't turn around, instead opting for downing the remaining of your drink and coming to the realization that, of course, Taehyung, social butterfly who'd always got along with everybody and remained friends with most people from high school, still keeps in touch with Jungkook.

You ignore him when he enters the pool, still peering from the corner of your eyes while pretending to be engaged in Chaelin's and Jihyo's conversation. Your mind sabotages you by taking you to that day a week ago at the tattoo parlor.

To the warmth of his hand, to the few strands of hair that his small ponytail couldn't keep together, to the way his eyes focused on such an intimate part of your body, to the endless ink decorating his skin, to-

Great. Now your bottoms are wet and not due to the water.

You don't miss Chaelin supressing a laugh and her not so subtle elbowing. You glance at her in warning and try to keep calm for the next fifteen minutes until Jin proposes moving to the living room to watch a movie.

"I'm gonna stay here for a little longer, guys." you say, after clearing your throat. You needed some time to gather yourself before being in a confined space with Jungkook.

"Are you sure?" Jin stops by your side to place a hand on your shoulder as everybody starts exiting the pool. "It's Mean Girls! You love Mean Girls! You never miss a minute of Mean Girls!"

Rolling your eyes, you wave him dismissively. "I know every dialogue on Mean Girls like the back of my hand, I think I'll be alright, Jin."

When everybody finally leaves, you take a deep breath, covering your face with your hands in an attempt to get him out of your head. Damn Jeon Jungkook and his irresisitble glow up.

"You okay?"

The unexpected voice startles you, a gasp finding its way out of your mouth and causing you to jump on your seat, heartbeat erratic as you instantly recognize who it belongs to. Your hand grasps your chest as if that would do anything to protect yourself against him.

"Shit, don't do that!" you say, the words almost getting stuck in your throat as you see him approaching you, still submerged in the pool. The more he nears you, the less water depth there is and the more visible his torso comes into view. Wich was exactly what you'd been avoiding.

Because Jeon Jungkook was ripped, as you'd imagined when you first encountered him.

Broad shoulders and strong biceps and chiseled abs and veiny forearms. Drenched hair, a full sleeve of tattoos and water dripping from delicious tan skin and all just so very hard. That paired up with a loopsided smile that does nothing but make you shudder.

"Sorry." he doesn't sound apologetic at all when he says that, the smirk adorning his features telling. "You just seemed a little off." you advert your gaze when he pushes his hair back.

"I'm fine, just...just wanted to be by myself."

"Oh" Jungkook's smile disappears. "I can leave, if you want me t-"

"No!" you're not sure where that comes from and neither does he, judging by the look on his face when your eyes find his. Eyebrows raised and mouth slightly parted, he's as surprised as you and there's an awkward silence for a few seconds. "Um, you don't have to. I mean, it's not my house, you can do whatever you want." you sniff and tame your voice, trying to seem cool and collected like you didn't just practically beg him not to go.

Ironic, considering this was exactly what you had been fearing for the past thirty minutes.

And then he smiles. A knowing smile. A smile that says 'you just totally checked me out and now you don't want me to leave'. A smile that you would have never associated with Jeon Jungkook of all people years ago. A smile that makes you want to look away but still keeps you in place.

"Sure." he says, closing the space between the two of you slowly but still leaving enough distance. "So, how's it going?"

You clear your throat, head high and determined not to let this man, or any man for that matter, turn you into a trembling mess. You're still you and you're not easily shaken by the opposite sex. Or at least that's what you helplessly chant in your head.

"Everything's cool. I'm on summer vacation now," a little white lie, "so I decided to-"

"The piercing." he says, the smile never leaving his face. "I meant how's the piercing."

"The pier- right." you almost miss the step he takes forward, all too aware of his height over yours but thankful for the centimeters that being propped on the stairs added to yours. "It's-" you almost, almost miss his knee touching your knee and him slightly separating your legs with his own inch by inch. Or how your thighs open unvoluntarely to welcome him in and how you can barely find coherent words to speak. "It's doing-" or the way his smile disappears and is instead focusing his dark stare fully onto yours.

"It's doing well." you finally say in a whisper, not being able to bring yourself to be louder.

He hums. "May I see it?" Jungkook wets his lips with the tip of his tongue and the action and his voice is enough to make you nod your head, bewitched.

His movements are unhurried, his hand coming up to tentatively come in contact with the flesh of your clavicle. His fingers skim through your skin upwards, his touch is feather-like when it wraps around your throat. You pant, and he stops but he doesn't move away, his eyes still focused on yours, studying you, daring you to pull back, to tell him to back off. But just a simple touch of his and you're fully under his control. It reminds you too much of the day you got that damn piercing.

Your lips are parted and for a moment he stays just like that. His body so close to yours but not close enough, and his hand slightly gripping your neck. Your pussy clenches around nothing and you can't wrap your head around the fact that something so simple sets your entire being alive and leaves you aching.

Then, as slow as he started, his hand travels from the front of your neck to the back, pushing your hair aside to carefully untie the straps of your bikini. He breathes through his nostrils, doesn't make a sound. He seems so collected it's starting to annoy you.

Instead, your breathing is ragged when the top falls down, exposing both your breasts to him. That's when he removes his eyes from yours and his jaw clenches. Your nipples perk up under his gaze, like they remember him and the effect he had on them just a week ago. You're at least glad you're not the only one affected but he seems to be a master at keeping it under wraps.

Then, his hand moves again, leaving goosebumps on your skin as it goes south. Jungkook takes his time, so deliberate you want to scream, until he's cupping your pierced breast, keeping away from the nipple just like he'd advised you a few days prior. You can't look away from his face, from his eyes observing you like you're a full course meal and he's been starving for days. You feel drops of water falling from his hair to your thighs, his thumb caressing your skin so delicately as it faintly nears your still tender nipple. Just nearing it, never touching it.

"Beautiful." his murmur is almost imperceptible and for a moment you think you've imagined it. Your back arches on its own, breast pushed against the palm of his hand, almost like your body is begging him to come closer, to touch you more, to feel you all over. He meets your eyes briefly, gauging your reaction, before going back to your chest. Suddenly, the grip on your breast tightens, fingers ever so softly squeezing your flesh. From your throat comes a mewl, your eyes shut and your legs close around his waist.

"Jungkook, please..." you whisper when you open your eyes. He looks at you, unvertainty written all over his face, lips bruised as if he had been biting on them too hard, gaze as glassy as yours. And just like that, the spell is broken. He blinks and his expression changes completely. Lips forming a straight line and jaw tight. His hand retracts, fixing your bikini top over your breasts before tying it around your neck like it originally was. Meanwhile your eyebrows crunch in confusion. But when you're about to start asking questions, he clears his throat.

"It's healing okay." he steps back, avoiding your eyes. "I'll see you inside."

Jungkook leaves the pool like nothing happened.

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Jungkook is fiddling, fixing the position of his glasses and combing through his straight hair with shaky hands, habits he's tried so hard to get rid of in his sixteen years of existence but still finds impossible to.

He can't help it. He's always been like this: the quiet and awkward kid in class who sits in the back, a misunderstood puppy in a sea of stronger dog breeds that could eat him alive. An outcast. Too geeky for his own good. Notebokes full of Dragon Ball doodles on the margins of the pages, the shelves in his room stacked with Marvel figurines, and a closet filled with outdated clothes that he has been inheriting from his older brother.

He has never been the type to stand out, always being overlooked by people like he's invisible. He doesn't mind though. He'd much rather be ignored than getting picked on by bullies like he used to in elementary school.

He never gets invited to parties. Ever. He's a nobody who barely speaks, and when he does he either stutters or manages to embarrass himself in one way or another. He's seen the look on people's faces when they look at him. Their eyes seem to scream 'weirdo' everytime he gets acknowledged.

So obviously the only reason he was invited to this particular party had a first and last name: Kim Taehyung. The only kid in Jungkook's entire life who didn't look at him in a funny way, the only kid who took the time to entangle in a random conversation with him after class and who seemed geniune enough to make Jungkook feel comfortable.

He's not sure how it happened, since Taehyung mostly hangs out with the cool kids. But somehow it did, and now Jungkook is uncomfortably standing in a living room full of drunk teens, looking directly at you.

You, the one girl Jungkook had been pining on for God knows how long. You, who are obviously too pretty, too popular, and way out of his league. You, with your plaid skirt and your polo shirt and those legs that never seem to end. You, who are sitting with your friends in a couch, drink in hand and visibly tipsy. And yet, he doesn't think he's ever seen anyone pull of the 'drunk-rosy-cheek' look better than you.

He can hear your laugh through the music and he already thinks it sounds better than whoever is playing in the background.

"Come on, Gukkie! Her friends are leaving and she's all by herself now! It's your chance" Taehyung's obviously drunk too because it took Jungkook a while to decypher his exact words. He'd disappeared for a while and now that he's back, he's pushing Jungkook in your direction.

"This was a mistake, Taehyung." Jungkook shakes his hair and steps back, quickly glancing at the front door to prepare his escape. But his new friend's grip on his hoodie keeps him in place.

"Guk, listen. The only thing you have to do, is walk up to her, and say 'hey I think you're, like, really pretty. Just letting you know. Bye!' That's it. Jung- Dude, Guk, seriously, look at me." Taehyung grabs Jungkook's cheeks, squishing them between his hands and forceing him to face him. "You've been crushing hard on her for years, my man. We're graduating and you won't see each other again. What's the worst thing that can happen? Getting rejected?"

Jungkook's eyebrows draw together. "Um, yeah?"

"Exactly! Getting rejected is not the end of the world, bro! It just means keep trying on other girls!" Taehyung releases his hold on Jungkook's cheeks. "I just think you're going to regret not telling your crush she's your crush. Who knows? Maybe in the future you two will get married."

Jungkook snickers, muttering a 'yeah right' under his breath. Still, he can't help the smile that Taehyung's words always seem to pull out of him.

"Now," Taehyung playfully slaps Jungkook before turning him in your direction again. "Go get 'em, tiger!"

"Okay," Mijoo's voice slices through Jungkook's memories. She's sitting on Jungkook's desk, munching on her brownies and looking at her coworker expectantly. "And then what?"

He sighs, running a hand through his hair, sits back on his chair, already feeling the effects of Mijoo's baked goods. "And then I walked up to her, like a damn fool, stutter and all. And I say:" he clears his throat, making an effort to do his best teenage Gukkie impression."'Hey, _____, um, so, I think you're beautiful and I've had a crush on you since seventh grade, haha, just wanted to let you know.'"

Mijoo rolls her eyes, still chewing. "And then what?"

"And then she looked me up and down, giggled, fucking giggled, Mijoo, and said 'Who are you, again?'" Mijoo gasps and Jungkook closes his eyes, trying to force that recollecion out of his head.

"What a bitch." she can't help but laugh before apologizing. Jungkook merely shrugs his shoulders and takes another bite of his brownie. "She didn't say anything else?"

"She said something along the lines of:" he clears his throat again, this time, doing an impression of you. "'That's sweet and all but, you and I... we're not the same. And I have a boyfriend, so...' She said that like I didn't know, like I wasn't aware of the school's it couple! Like I was dumb!"

Mijoo nods. "And now you want to fuck her even more than you did in high school."

"I- No! Well, yes. Fuck, of course I want to sleep with her! But I just... can't."

"Why not?"

"Did you hear anything about what I just told you or were you too concentrated trying to get high?"

It's Mijoo's turn to roll her eyes. "I heard everything you just told me. I just don't understand what the problem is. You two were sixteen. Sure, she was a bitch about it, but Lord knows I've been a bitch my entire life and now I'm not anymore." Jungkook raises an eyebrow at that. "Okay, sometimes I can be nice. But the point is..." Mijoo finishes her piece of brownie before getting off of Jungkook's desk. "It's been, what? Nine? Ten years? People change, JK. You're the best example of that. You want to fuck her and she obviously wants to fuck you too. You're both adults." she wipes her hands on her shorts. "I think it's time you fulfill that high school fantasy of yours."

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You've made up your mind.

And by you, it means Chaelin has made up your mind.

It didn't take long to convince you though. That last interaction with Jungkook cause too many emotions stirring within you. It left you hot, it left you bothered, it left you confused. Sure, it also left you a little bit embarrassed like the first time, but above everything else, that interaction with Jungkook left you absolutely livid.

Because who the fuck did Jeon Jungkook, formerly known as Guk, Gukkie, Jungukkie, and currently known as JK, think he was to come near you, speed your heart rate's up, and then runaway like that?

You've spent days thinking about it. About that face, about that body, about those hands and- shit. You're doing it again.

You've spent days trying to push those intrusive thoughts. Spent days trying to bury what happened. You've spent days trying to keep quiet, not telling anyone about it and just wishing that stupid spark of desire simply went away.

But it has just been simply unavoidable. You haven't been able to ignore the sleepless nights with your brain drifting back to that night and forbidding your hand from slipping under your panties. Or the excessive amount of time during the day where images of him suddenly popped in your head and wouldn't go away, even with you squeezing your thighs to try to make the ache go away.

So you ended up ranting and ranting and ranting to the only person you could confide on, who is obviously your best friend. Your best friend, who's too smart for her own good and knows you too well for your liking. Because apparently your moodiness and snappy remarks couldn't go unnoticed.

And after explaining the fiasco over a bottle of wine -and minutes of endless laughing on Chaelin's part because, again, it's Gukkie you two were talking about and, according to her, this was "the most karmic thing I've ever seen"-, she gave you the best advice an older sister could ever give.

"Fuck him."

"I know right? Fuck him!"

"No. I mean, fuck him."

And now here you are. Right inside that room you stepped in weeks ago, confronting the man in question with the same confidence that has always distinguished you from others and trying to act like the fluttering inside your belly wasn't nauseauting.

"A date."

"Yes."

"You want to go on a date with me." this wouldn't be so hard if Jungkook didn't look so delectable in a plain white t-shirt and ripped jeans. You cross your arms over your chest, doing your best to not look down at the exposed skin of a man who obviously worked out a lot and apparently, never skipped leg day. "What's the catch?"

He's sitting on his chair, back resting comfortably and legs spread, narrowing his eyes at you and probably wondering why the girl at the front desk let you in without an appointment. Also, probably wondering if there was a catch to all of this.

"There's no catch. I just want to go to the fair this weekend. I'll ask Taehyung for your number and text you the date and the exact place we'll be meeting. Unless..." your quirk one of your eyebrows. "Unless you're already planning on how you'll chicken out this time."

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Of course, Jungkook says yes to going on a date with his high school crush but spends the following days overthinking every single thing.

He can't help but feel like it's kinda sketchy. What if you're planning your vendetta on him? What if you don't even show up and he ends up there looking like a damn idiot? What if you hate him and are just messing up with him? What if that incident in high school is going to repeat itself?

"If she doesn't show up, you simply move on and never speak to her again. It's that simple. She can't have that much power over you to cry about something like that." Mijoo had said that same day she let you in the tattoo parlor after you'd asked to see Jungkook. Jungkook's coworker hadn't even question you and just motioned you to Jungkook's room with a knowing smile on her face. Later that day, Jungkook had scolded her about it and she'd simply shrugged.

He considers cancelling, eyes reading the 'won't be able to make it, sorry (sad face emoji)' over and over again and fingers hovering over the send button so many times he's lost count. But then he remembers that comment of yours about him chickening out and Jungkook starts seeing red.

How couldn't you understand he's just terrified of you rejecting him one more time? Sure, Jungkook is now an adult who doesn't get butthurt over stuff like that. He's experienced too much after graduating from high school and he's a much stronger individual than his fragile self back was back then.

But something about you just makes him feel so... weak.

He still finds it impossible to concieve where he got the courage to approach you like that at Taehyung's pool, or how he brought himself to touch you for longer than a minute without coming in his pants. He'd enjoyed it too much. Allowing him to see you so exposed, just for him. He'd be so tempted to kiss you right there and then, to run his hands up and down your thighs and fully wrap your legs around him to let you known how much you'd affected him. Once you called his name, it was like he'd finally snapped out of it and backed away like he'd been burned by you. He spent the next twenty minutes trying to keep himself from pulling down his pants and jerking off in his friend's bathroom.

It's terrible. Because he feels like the teenager he used to be when you're around. Shy, insecure and overall a mess. You showing up in his life after so many years and now apparenly being interested in him seems like a dream that he's not sure he wants to keep being in or wake up from before it's too late and he falls back into that tumoltuous longing that will inevitably end up in heartbreak. His heartbreak.

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It's saturday night, he's standing by himself in the crowded fair at the spot. You're fifteen minutes late and he's already about to turn back and dip out. He feels too awkward and the nerves are eating him alive.

You're not going to show up. You're not going to show up and now he feels and looks even dumber than the time he told you he was crushing on you. You're not even going to show up and now he's going to come back home, get drunk by himself and curse your name for-

"Hey!" he turns around to the sound of your voice and sees you running towards him. "Sorry I'm late! I couldn't find my phone and spent like thirty minutes looking for it. Turns out, Sharon Stone, was taking a nap on top of it and I didn't even notice."

"Sharon Stone?"

"Chaelin's cat."

To be honest, he's too surprised to process your explanation right away. He might also be a little speechless because that sky blue sundress looks too good on your skin and your eyelashes are so long, framing your beautiful eyes, and your lips are all glossy and kisseable that it takes him a while to find his own voice.

He clears his throat. "It's alright." scratching the back of his head, he momentarely adverts his gaze from you in an attempt to not get distracted by how soft your hair looks and how much he wants to wrap it around his hands in a ponytail. "Um, where do you want to go first?"

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Almost an hour and a half later, when the sun has already disappeared and you're both surrounded by colorful lights, Jungkook decides to buy the both of you hot dogs and a drink and you both settle down on a bench.

You've been walking all over the fair, going from booth to booth, playing any game in sight Jungkook dared you to -he obviously had a competitive streak-: from the ballon and dart games, to the shooting games, to the bumping cars, to the ball-in-basket one. To say you were having fun was an understatement.

You'd almost regretted setting the date up. You were sure he wouldn't even show up and if he did, you were scared of how awkward things could get between the two of you. And if things were awkward, you were sure it would only take less than thirty minutes for the both of you to part ways and never talk again about such failure of a date.

To your surprise, none of that happened.

The conversation was flowing, both of you acting like you were strangers on their first date getting to know each other, which, to be fair, that's exactly what it felt like. There was a slight banter, teasing each other when one of you lost in whatever game you were playing while the other was obviously winning. There were laughs and a funny feeling in your tummy whenever you'd walk side by side and his arm brushed yours.

There was no stiffness on his shoulders, no mention of the past or your previous encounters, no acknowledgement of the blatant sexual tension you'd experienced before, not an ounce of avoidance whenever your eyes met his and he was even sure of himself enough to place a hand on your lower back or briefly interwine your fingers with his to guide you through the mass of people.

It felt like you'd both unspokenly agreed on making each other feel comfortable enough to have a good time.

"I didn't think you were going to show up, to be honest." you suddenly say, taking a sip of your strawberry juice and thankful to finally let your feet rest for a while.

Jungkook looks at you, hot dog mid air and eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline. "You didn't think I was going to show up? I didn't think you were going to show up." you simply shrug, lowering your gaze seepishly, the beginning of a smile on both your faces. He surprises you by tilting your head in his direction with his forefinger. You watch him watching you, a little dazed, a little lost in how his dark hair messily falls over his forehead and his equally dark eyes study your face, his thumb swiping over your lower lip. "You um... There was ketchup right there." he lies.

"Oh" you say, feeling your face heating up. "Thanks. Red doesn't really match this dress." you manage a smile and tuck a lock of your hair behind your ear.

At that, he eyes your dress for a moment, mouth slightly ajar. He's debating on whether or not to say something but you beat him to it.

"I'm sorry, by the way."

"For being late? I already told you it's fin-"

"No." you shake your head. "For... that time when we were young and I was such a concieted brat." you say, looking away , trying to find anything else that's not his pretty face. "I thought I was a queen bee back then. I was annoying and rude, specially to you. I..." you lick your lips. The cherry glittery gloss was already gone. "I thought it was cute, what you said. There was no reason for me to act like that. I know this doesn't make anything right but..." when you turn to face him again, there's still the same expression on his face. "I'm sorry."

A few seconds go by before it's him who's shaking his head. "It's okay. It was a long time ago, anyway." he smiles at you, although it doesn't reach his eyes and seems sorta forced. You sigh, and he takes your hand. "Let's go to the ferris wheel."

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tell you're tense. You're sitting right beside him in the ferris cabin, your back is all straight, you're facing forward and he believes you haven't blinked for what feels like an eternity. He thinks it has everything to do with your conversation a few minutes ago. You were probably not content with his response but what could Jungkook do? There was really no point in apologizing for something that happened years ago, but at the same time, he didn't want to hold anything against you like a resentful asshole because it was really not who he was. But there was still a little bit of stingyness inside of him and he didn't know how to make it go away.

At the end of the day, here you were, on a date with him that you'd asked for, getting along and asking questions about him and laughing at his jokes and trying to start all over again.

But then the ferris wheel starts moving, and he finally understands why you look so uncomfortable.

It's the way you immediately grip his forearm, nails digging in his skin and he swears he hears the smallest gasp forcing itself out your throat.

"Are you... scared?" he tentatively asks.

You say nothing for a while, not moving an inch. He would laugh if you didn't look so pained about it.

"I don't like small confined spaces nor rollercoasters." you finally say through gritted teeth.

"It's not really that small and ferris wheels are not rollercoasters. " your nails dig deeper and he winces. "Okay, okay. You don't like small confined spaces nor rollercoasters, and that includes ferris wheels. So why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. I've never liked ferris wheels but you seemed excited about it, so..."

There's a silence after that in the environment, neither of you exactly sure of what to say or how to act. Until Jungkook moves one of his hands hands until it's resting on the one who's holding onto him for dear life, fingers caressing yours. The warmth of his hand spreads through yours and although it's almost July and you can already feel your sweaty back staining your dress, it's oddly comforting. What's more comforting even, is him twisting his body towards you and talking with the calmest and most soothing tone you've ever heard.

"Look at me." you do instantly, unwillingly, and kinda wish you hadn't. It's almost as if your body will do anything he says without question. Like he has some sort of power over it to just react however he wants. His eyes bore into yours and suddenly the cab doesn't seem so suffocating. "It's just you and me right now. We're not even on a ferris wheel." the corners of his mouth turn slowly upwards. You zone out the environment, suddenly too aware of him and how close he is and how loud the beating of your heart is to your own ears.

"Jungkook."

You swallow the knot in the back of your throat when he removes his hand from yours. It almost makes you protest, - now realizing you've losened the tight grip on his arm- , before it craddles your face, keeping you in place while bringing his body closer.

"You have to stop saying my name like that."

With his thigh touching your thigh, your whole demeanor melts. When he leans closer, and you feel his breath fanning over your lips, your eyes shut closed.

"Tell me I can-" he starts to say.

"Yes." you finish for him. He doesn't doubt on closing the distance between you two. His lips touch yours and your body shakes in excitement. It's just him lightly skimming your lips with his but it's already too much and at the same time, not enough. It has you deepening it, yourself moving closer when he kisses you again. It has you relaxing against him, the tenseness prior disappearing and making you arch your back when his tongue asks for permission.

But it's exactly then, the moment you open your lips to him, that has you losing your mind.

The sparks fly, traveling from your head to your toes and then settling on the pit of your stomach as soon as the kiss starts to turn desperate and rough. When he nibbles your lips with his teeth, it makes you mewl and whine and your nipples tight against the cotton of your dress. It makes the metal barbell to feel uncomfortable, slightly painful. And when he goes back to being messy and filthy with his tongue tangled with yours, your thighs close on their own.

He forces himself to pull his hand back and bring it down, finding the parting of yd opening them for him. "Wait," you say, your fingers wrapping around his forearm as you try to catch your breath."The ferris-" he shuts you up with another kiss.

"We're not on a ferris wheel." he reminds you, a soft whisper against your mouth. And for whatever reason, you believe him.

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"He fingered you on the ferris wheel."

"Yes."

"And you came before the ride was over."

You take a small sip of wine, your eyes focusing on the TV where a rerun of the Golden Girls is playing, although, to be fair, lately you haven't been able to pay much attention to anything else but a certain brunet with doe eyes and kisseable lips. "Yes."

She hums, stealing a handful of popcorn from the bowl between your thighs.

"How long did it took? Like five minutes?"

There's a pause in which you clench your jaw, your fingers twitching around the glass in your hand, and then you answer. "Probably less."

There's another pause, and then-

"Ha...Ha ha...Ha ha ha-"

You let her laugh. It's okay. You knew you had it coming.

Chaelin knows the pillow you throw right at her face is also something she had coming.

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It's not that you're mad.

Jungkook and you had a great time on that fair date, he made you laugh, bought hot dogs and drinks for the two of you and got you off inside the cab of a ferris wheel on record time with those magical, long fingers of his. Technically, there shouldn't be anything to be angry about.

Except it's been a week and you can't stop thinking about him, about wanting more, and about those words that he left you with after the ferris wheel ride ended, when you had tried to return the favor.

'Next time, maybe.'

And there hasn't been a next time.

The thought of texting him or giving him a call to ask for another date is persistent in your mind. It remains while you do the laundry or wash the dishes, while you shower, while you eat or while you spend your days at the beach with Chaelin. There's always the incessant desire to reach out towards your phone, unlock it and dial his number to beg for more.

But you'd never been one to beg, so you resist the urge everytime that feeling starts to creep up on you and it washes over you like a wave. You silence your phone and try to concentrate on making the most out of your summer.

It's one random night, when you're tiredly dragging your feet across Chaelin's apartment's carpet, yawning and ready to succumb to a well needed slumber, that you see your phone screen's lighting up with a message.

Your heart pathetically leaps inside your chest when you read his name.

'you free on saturday?'

You wish you could say you ghosted him, ignored his text and moved on with your life until it was him who begged you for another date. But the truth is you opened it in a matter of seconds and typed 'i'm free, why?' back in a rush with trembling fingers.

So now you're on the passanger seat of his car while he sits on the driver seat, the first saturday night of July, like he's Danny Zuko and you're Sandy Olsson, watching a vintage movie in a drive-in theater which plot you don't give a shit about, even if Jungkook's date plan idea made something inside of you churn with adoration.

And the only reason why you don't give a single damn about the movie playing in front of your eyes, is because you're hot. Way too hot. And the reason and cause is none other than the boy-now-turned-man sitting on your left.

You barely exchanged words when he picked you up, just rode in silence until you got to your destination and you bet he can feel as well as you do the tension in the air.

You've surveyed him a few times from the corner of his eye, noticing him fiddling with the rings around his fingers and shifting in his seat from time to time. And if the sight of his fingers bring memories that you've tried to bury to keep yourself from lunching towards him, a brief glance at his forearms, adorned with ink drawn through his golden flesh -doing a poor job at concieling the veins running underneath- and his skin-tight jeans wrapping those muscled thighs of his is enough to have you be the one squirming in your seat.

A woman can only endure so much, and you come to that realization thirty minutes into the movie.

"I want to suck your cock." you say, a stern expression on your face as you turn your body in his direction.

Jungkook frozes as your voice slides over him. It takes him a couple seconds to look at you, shock widening his eyes and parting his lips.

"Huh?" he manages, his grip on the steering wheel turning his knuckles white.

Without separating your gaze from his, you gather your hair and tie it in a ponytail with the hair tie previously around your wrist. You don't miss the quick glance he sneaks into the curvature of your neck and the valley between your breasts.

Inching forward, closing in on him, you place one of your hands on top of his thigh, the action making his whole body tense. "____..." he whispers your name in a warning that doesn't sound convincing even in his own ears.

You smile, your eyes never wavering from his as your hand inches upwards, slowly caressing over the fabric of his jeans until you finally come across what you were looking for.

His hand flies to your wrist, stilling your movements. "____, this is not-". He starts, but his voice gets stuck inside his throat when you palm his undoubtly growing erection.

"Shh." your shaky breath fans over his cheek and you force yourself on your knees on the passanger seat in a more comortable possition to stop the trembling to reach them.

You fumble with the belt holding his pants in place, then with the button and finally with the zipper. He helps you by lifting his hips to pull his jeans and boxers to his thighs and you have to bite back a mixture between a gasp and a moan at the sight below you. You haven't even seen Jeon Jungkook naked all the way, but the mere sight of his hard cock with pre-cum glistening on his crown is probably the sexiest thing you've ever had the pleasure of appreciating.

It gets sexier when you wrap your hand around the base and his body melts in the driver seat, throwing his head back with his eyes shut. It gets even sexier when you finally lower your head, swirling your tongue over the head before finally engulfing him fully in the wet warmth of your mouth.

"Shit." his voice is tight, uneven as his hand loosely grips your ponytail, as if careful not to accidentally hurt you and break the glorious moment.

Although you wouldn't mind at all. Because the moment your hands are on him, and your tongue is on his shaft, that's the only thing you care about. Your belly is twisting, an undeniable wet spot on your panties as the fabric sticks to your folds, and the more you suck Jungkook, the more you want from him. His earthy taste is addicting and the soft little whimpers he occasionally can't prevent himself from are making you want to milk him until he can't take it no more. There's this desire within you to whorship him and his cock like you had been dreaming for the past weeks.

"This is s-so fucking h-hot." he rasps between ragged breaths, the bobbing of your head, sliding up and down his dick as your hand works the centimeters your mouth can't take is about to make him faint.

"Getting a blowjob?" you joke, your throat starting to feel sore as you kiss his leaking tip.

"N-no." he draws in a rough breath when you take him all of him again. "You giving me a blowjob... T-the f-fact that anyone c-could see us..." he darts a quick glance at your body, your ass up in the air and your dress sliding down, almost exposing you completely. "The fact that-ah! Shit..." he squeezes his eyes when he feels a glob of your spit lubricating him.

There's a sudden need to make you feel the same, to touch your skin and have you shaking the same way you have him. So one of his hands travels from your spine, to your perked ass, finally dragging the cotton of your dress to allow himself to see your thin white panties. "The fact that anyone could see you l-like this," he murmurs, regaining a little bit of control when he squeezes one of your cheeks. "letting t-them see you s-sucking my cock and..." he smirks when he feels you gasping around him, his fingers trapped between your thighs and pushing them inside your heat easily "and letting them see me fingering this pretty little pussy."

Soon after that he's cumming in your mouth while you're cumming around his fingers.

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At first, it's mostly on weekends when you see each other. Weekends of stolen kisses and soft sighs and whispering against each other's lips. Then weekends turn to week days, sitting on grass while sipping on refreshing beverages, drawing each other laughs, elbows touching as you walk around the park side by side because the both of you are too scared to interwine your fingers together.

Jungkook feels content like this: sitting on the sand with you between his thighs, admiring the sunset while nuzzing your neck and inhaling your scent every now. He likes waching you enoying your strawberry ice cream, almost forgetting the chocolate chip one already melting in his hand.

"If you were an ice cream flavor,which one would you be?" you ask him, relaxing against his chest.

"Rocky road."

"Why?"

He shrugs behind you. "Everyone likes rocky road."

You hum, playfully rolling your eyes. "What about me? Which ice cream flavor would I be?"

"Lemon sherbet, in the summer."

"Lemon sherbet? Out of all of the flavours out there, you're rocky road and I'm lemon sherbet?"

"Lemon sherbet, in the summer." he corrects.

"Okay, fine. Why?"

"You're boring and basic."

You gasp, trying to feign outrage but not being able to repress the laugh that escapes your throat. You elbow him, his laugh mixing with yours while taking the time to wrap his arms around your form, the breeze blowing your hair allowing him a spot between your neck and your shoulder. "You're boring and basic, but once you have a taste..." he presses a small kiss on your skin, causing the tiny hairs on the nape of your neck to rise. "Once you have a taste, specially on the hottest day in the middle of summer, you can't stop tasting and licking until there's no more lemon sherbet left."

You suck in on a breath when he craddles your jaw to face him. "It's been my favourite flavor since I was a kid." he kisses you immediately after, his lips swallowing the small whimper now stuck in your throat.

You close your eyes as his tongue opens your mouth, arousal blasting your insides and something much, much deeper that you fear to even name shredding your chest.

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The beginning of august comes faster then you two realize, but what you both do realize is how hard it's becoming to stay away from each other.

It's been thirty days of dates happening almost everyday, sharing high school memories and anecdotes of the time you spent away from each other. Hours of getting to know each other and opening up to each other. From failed relationships to new friendships. Of park dates walking side by side and fingers now interwined because you both realized one day that, fuck it.

It's difficult to sleep when you realize you're starting to catch serious feelings for somebody who was just supposed to be a fling. It's hard to sleep when his face, his voice and his touch and thoughts of missing him when you don't see each other start haunting you at night.

It's hard for Jungkook to focus on work when you're everything that's occupying his mind. Because he has a hundred sketches to make but he's too busy thinking about the hundred different sketches he would make of you.

It's hard not to send him a goodnight text, just like it's hard for him not to reply in a matter of seconds, almost as if he was already waiting to recieve it.

Jungkook thinks of you at night. Of how pretty and absolutely perfect you are for him. Of the taste of your lips, the way your hair feels between his fingers, or the flush on your cheeks when he makes you cum as droplets of sweat accumulate between your breasts. He thinks about your voice. He also thinks about the amount of hours left to be able to listen to it again.

But mostly he thinks about how ridiculous this situation is. Because he was stupidly crushing on you when you were only teenagers, daydreaming about a chance with you. And now his crush is long gone and he's starting to realize that he's falling, and falling fast.

You, too, think of Jungkook at night. Of his ability to bring a smile out of you, to soothe you with just a few words and filling your belly excitement, happiness and feelings you're sure you've never felt before.

Jungkook's managed to imprint himself in your dreams, and you, in his.

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Getting drunk with Jungkook is fun and messy.

It's fun because he lets loose, he stutters a lot like he used to do when he was a teenager and he makes you laugh louder than ever before. It's messy because he has no control over his hands as they explore your body, clumsily taking your clothes off as his mouth laps at the breast he's allowed to touch.

He's more forceful and dominating too, pinning your hands above your head, and commanding you to keep them right there, on the pillows of his bed. When you rebel against it, your fingers finding the hard planes of his chest, he pulls away from you and places them back where he left them. "Don't make me tie you up." he threatens, and your body shudders beneath him.

He sucks, and bites and leaves marks all over your skin, grunting in response to your moans. Creating a path of kisses from your lips to your stomach, his shoulders separating your knees, opening you up only for him. And thankfully, when you reach down to tug at the strands of hair framing his face, he lets you, because he knows you need something to hold on to the moment his tongue eats you up. He leaves his fingertrips on your thighs as he keeps you in place, not allowing you to runaway. Just forcing you to take it as he takes from you.

And when you cum, he doesn't back away. He keeps sucking, and licking and punishing you with his mouth until you're cumming over and ove again, screaming and begging for his cock.

Having Jungkook over you, both completely naked, skin to skin and only sweat in between is more than you could've ever fantazised about. He slurls your name when he puts the condom on. He would do anything to feel you raw, but he also knows he wouldn't be able to last a minute. The sight of you spread open, with your cheeks darkened by a crimson blush and your hair tangled all over his pillow is a picture he wants to keep forever.

He enters you when you call his name, your voice dripping with need. He stretches your warm and wet felsh, slowly easing himself into you at first, until he's fully inside and your bodies are completely in union. A shiver runs down Jungkook's spine when he looks at your contorted face in pleasure, your lips forming an 'O' and your pussy clenching around him.

"Oh, my God." you moan into the dark of Jungkook's room, and even then, he can clearly appreciate every curve of your body lifting off the mattress to connect with his. He lowers himself on his elbows on either side of your head, caging you in and capturing your mouth with his.

"I know, baby." he murmurs. It's hot, in the middle of August but suddenly Jungkook doesn't hate summer as much as he used to. Not with you sharing the heat with him. "It's way beyond what I could ever imagine." You nod hurriedly against his lips, your arms finding their way around his neck as he starts rocking in and out of you.

"It's too good." you cry, when he hits a particular spot that has you rolling your eyes in bliss and gripping his waist tighter with your legs against you. Your fingers thread through his hair, not bothered by the beads of sweat gathered on the nape of his neck.

"Too good..." he agrees, not missing the shiver that's shaking your own frame when he picks up his speed. "You have no idea what I would do t-to fucking feel you with n-no barriers between us," his movements become frantic as his hips slap against yours, his jaw clenched as he keeps talking, "to s-stuff you full of my c-cum over and over again until it won't stop d-dripping."

Jungkook's voice against your ear has you trembling and your orgasm nearing closer, your nails scratching down his back as his thrusts overpower your form. "Would you like that?" he asks with his voice strangled.

"Y-yes. Anything y-you want."

"You'd take all of my cum like a good cum-slut?"

You hate the fact that that's what makes you come undone. The twisting and knotting in the pit of your stomach finally snapping until you're holding on to him like you never want to let him go and he's following soon after.

Because if Guk, Gukkie, Jengukkie was not only able to make you come in less than a few minutes with his fingers or his tongue, but he was also able to make you cum instantly just by calling you a good cum-slut, that means you're fucked. Like, really, really fucked.

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There's a knot in Jungkook's stomach and a suffocating grip around his vocal chords as he caresses your skin. The sun is rising in the distance with the first rays of light entering his room through the window. Your shamphoo is intoxicating him, numbing him and enticing him to bury his nose in the tangled curls pressing against his chest. Your arm is thrown across his stomach, your breathing leavig goosebumps all over his body.

"It's too early. Go back to sleep." you mumble against his heart. He wonders if you can feel it dangerously speeding up.

"I can't." he says, voice struggling to stay balanced. "I have to tell you something."

You hum in response, sleep still interwined with your body, your arm tightening around him. You sigh in content, expecting him to elaborate.

He wets his suddenly dry lips. "I don't want this to end. In fact, ____.... I want more. Need more."

"Jungkook..." your whole body goes rigid right away, untanglling your bodies from each other and sitting up on the mattress.

"No, listen to me." he mimicks your movements, rapidly grabbing your hands to make you look at him. His eyes are expressive, a mixture of fear and hope swirling in his dark irises. "I wake up everyday, and you're the first thing I think of. I go on about my day, and I keep thinking about you, wondering what you're doing and counting down the hours until I get to see you again. I spend every night dreaming about you, and when we'e together, the only thing I can think about is how I wish I could stop time so I don't have to say bye to you the next morning. ____, I-"

"Jungkook, stop please." you shake your head, pushing away from him and in desperate need of air. You press a hand against your chest, beating back the throb of pain while the other curls in a tight fist, the feeling of your fingernails digging into your palm less painful than the ache inside your heart. "This... This wasn't supossed to happen, Jungkook." you start pacing around the room, as if trying to find an exit while avoiding his gaze. "This was just a summer fling. That's all it was, I'm supposed to come back to the city in two weeks and-"

"A summer fling?" a sardonic sneer comes out of him. "Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening again..." he mumbles to himself before rising from the bed. You stop immediately, a shiver quaking through you as his impressive frame intimidates His eyebrows are drawn together and his dark eyes are void of any prior emotion. "You're going back to the city in two weeks? And you didn't care to tell me until now, after I just spilled my guts to you?"

You eyes fill up with uncomfortable tears, reaching one arm towards him. "Jung-"

He flinches, taking one step back. "A summer fling is all I mean to you?"

"Ju- "

"Look me in the eyes, right now, and tell me that's all I mean to you. A summer fling." panic crawls up your throat. There's the need within you to confirm, to stare into his beautiful and stern eyes and tell him that, yes, that's all he is to you. But you've never been a good liar. So nothing comes out. You opt for wrapping your ams around yourself wishing they were his and lowering your eyes to the ground. "I think... I think you should leave."

Those are the last words he says to you, and the last thing you see when you turn around one more time after gathering your clothes, is his back as he looks out the window.

You allow yourself to cry the exact moment you step into Chaelin's apartment. Your friend is sitting on the couch, bowl of cereal in hand and a fresh cup of coffee sitting on the livingroom's table.

"Hey, you're early tod- Baby, what's wrong?"

"Please, don't laugh."

That morning, you lay down for hours on the couch with your head on Chaelin's lap while she softly brushes your hair as you cry, hiccup, fight through the pain in your heart and relate to her as best as you can the latest events.

She doesn't laugh at all.

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"She'll come back." Mijoo's slurred words do nothing to put Jungkook's state at ease that night. He simply shrugs, fingers clenching at his sides, frowing into his drink before gulping down the bitter taste of vodka in one shot. "Seriously, I think she's just afraid. My ex was the same."

"Comparing her to your ex is not the analogy you think it is."

"Ugh, shut up. Things didn't work with my ex because she was a bitch." Jungkook gives Mijoo a pointed look which she responds to by rolling her eyes and sipping on her rum coke. "Your girl is not a bitch. She used to be a bitch. What she did this morning was bitchy, but, like I said, she's just being a pussy. If she only wanted sex with you, she wouldn't have been doing couple stuff with you the entire summer."

"Whatever. I don't care." he lies and Mijoo knows he's lying but decides to drop the subject fo now.

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"We can't keep spending our days smoking weed." Chaelin speaks over Blanche's voice on the TV.

"I know. I'm just sad."

"You have to come back and tell him how you feel."

"I know."

There's a beat of silence before your friend kicks your thigh with her feet.

"I know and I will." you mumble through red eyes and smoke clouds.

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It's September first and it doesn't feel like Jungkook's birthday at all. He's been trying to focus on his work, alternating between isolating in full hermit mode and hanging out with friends to drink away his sorrow. The days have gone by and before he could realize it, he woke up today with over twenty text messages wishing him a happy day and a throbbing hangover.

He dresses up on autopilot. First a cotton shirt, then a pair of jeans and lastly, his Nike's. He doesn't bother tying his sneakers just like he doesn't bother taking a shower. He smokes a cigarette for breakfast, the death stick making him feel nauseaus on an empty stomach. And then he goes to work.

He's been repeating the same routing for the past weeks and he's not thinking of changing it, not even on his bithday.

He spends hours drawing, tattooing and drawing some more between yawns. He ignores texts an phone calls and simply waits until the day is over to go home, go to bed and forget about the fact that you're probably on your way to the city and that he hasn't crossed your mind not even once.

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Inkphoria.

You've been standing outside the shop re-reading the word for fifteen minutes, although it definitely feels like it has been longer. You're gripping cup of ice cream as it melts down your fingers the more you wait. The shop is already empty and it's starting to darken out side, and still you're so hot. Your shorts are heavy and your tank top is sticking to your skin. You didn't even bother to put on any make, although your eyebags definitely needed some concieling and your lashes some dimension to hide the fact that you'd been crying for the last few days.

'You're crazy about him.'

Chaelin's voice echoes inside your head.

You've lost count of how many times your best friend has given your advice, or simply encouraged you to do something you've been too scared to try.

'And he's cazy about you too.'

Chaelin might be wrong about marmite and the movie Cats, but she's definitely now wrong about anything regarding your and Jungkook.

That's it. You briefly close your eyes, inhale a deep breath then release it slowly. You start walking. It doesn't take longer than three strides and you're pushing the door open.

The tattoed blonde looks up from the counter the second you come into view. She smiles at the distance between you two. "You can come closer. I won't bite."

You clear your throat, stalking closer to her. "Is he-"

"He's in the back." she replies before you can finish you question. You close your mouth, clear your throat and nod your head.

"Thanks, Mijoo." she gives you a small wink, her smile easing your nerves like she had three months ago.

She watches you disappear. She shakes he head, her smile meeting her eyes. "I told him so."

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Jungkook ignores the knock on his door at first. It's almost ten and the parlor is about to close. He just has to finish this last fucking sketch so he can grab his shit and go the fuck ho-

Knock knock.

He growls, exhasperation cursing through him. He runs a hand through his messy pile of hair, his rings tangling between the strands, making him wince in pain. "Come in." he grunts under his breath. The door opens. "Mijoo, I really have to finish-"

He stops dead in his tracks as soon as he sees you.

"Hey." you say after a moment of hesitation.

"Hey." he replies and although there's something inside, deep in his chest, shouting at him to stand up, run up to you and kiss your face while he tells you how beautiful you look right now and how happy he is to see that you're still here, he decides against it. "Listen, ____, I'm pretty busy-"

"No, you listen to me." you cut him off abruptly. He looks taken aback and is already opening his mouth to say something, but you're not having it. "Please, just... Let me talk."

Silence looms between the two of you for a while, a staring contest defying each other to back down. When you take one step inside and close the door behind you, he sighs and leans back against his chair.

You move towards him slowly, your lip caught between your lip going through your mind for the speech you'd been preparing the last few days. Your hands are sticky due to the the sugary treat liquifying in your hand. "I know there's no reason you should give me another chance after rejecting you in high school, and there's definitely no reason why you should forgive me for the way I shut you out a few weeks ago. You've been confessing your feelings to me since we were teenagers, and now it's my turn to tell you exactly how I feel about you."

"Jungkook, the truth is... I like you so much. I like you more than I've ever liked anyone. Ever. I said this was just a summer fling, and I was lying. I was lying because there's no way a simple summer fling could make me feel the way you do. There's no way a simple summer fling could make me want not just summer with you, but also fall and winter, and spring and every summer that comes next."

You hadn't realize when your eyes filling up with tears until the sight of him starts blurrying in front of you. His fingers reach yours, his thumb comforting on your skin. "____, it's okay-"

"I'm not done yet." you sniffle, gathering enough courage to continue. "I brought you a lemon sherbet because you said it was your favourite. But you also implied I was your favourite, and I want to keep being you favourite, but now it's already melted and-"

The corners of Jungkook's lips start pulling upward as he tugs you towards him, his heart loudly jumping inside his chest. "Shhh, come here."

He takes the ice cream from your hand and places it on his desk. Then he's helping you onto his lap, your head tucked under his chin and your arms wapping on their own around his neck.

He doesn't care about your sticky fingers or the wet stains of your tears in his shirt. The only thing he cares about is the fact that you're right there, letting him engulf your frame and drown in the scent and warmth he'd misses so much.

≿━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━༺❀༻━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━≾

The first day of June has Jungkook sweating and wishing for a haircut. Jungkook usually hates summer. He hates the fact that he has to shower at least twice a day, and the fact that the heat is almost unbearable to sleep in and also the fact that he's easily sunburnt.

This year, however, Jungkook likes summer a little bit more.

"Excuse me, miss. Do you have an appointment?" it's the fact that you're starting to wear those summer dresses he loves so much, and the fact that your skin glows under the sun like glitter, and also the fact that he can lick ice cream off of it whenever he desires.

"I am the appointment." your giggle is almost childlike, playing with Jungkook's heart strings. You shut the door behind you, nearing him. You also seem to always have that flush on your cheeks. Although he likes to think part of it is due to him. He doesn't say anything else as he puts his pencil down and instead turns around in the chair to have you immediately on top of his thighs.

Yeah, he also likes the path your lips trace from his cheek, to his jaw, ending at the juncture between his neck and his shoulder. It still makes his body quaver to this day.

"Let me see." he murmurs against you forhear, his hand already working on unbottoning the front of your dress.

"Mijoo hasn't left yet." you whisper back, your smile impossible to supress and the faint whimper impossible to hide when his fingers expose your breast and tug at the titanium barbell adorning the already hardened nub.

Jungkook loves knowing he was the one to do that, and also the only one to play with it. He doesn't hesitate when he dips his head. "As if we'd ever cared about that." he adds, wrapping your sole point in his mouth.

He fucks you on his studio table with your legs around his waist and his tongue playing with both your breasts, the tattoo sketches long forgotten, scattered on the floor as he whispers against your flesh something that sounds a lot like 'I love you'.

[illwynd]

Sometimes I feel like people are overly derogatory about “fanon” as opposed to canon as if the subversion of canon wasn’t part of the appeal of “fanon” in the first place.

Yeah, and I can understand the derision, or at least the annoyance it stems from, in some cases, like when fandom seems to have genuinely forgotten that something isn't in the text and goes around acting like it is and starting shit over it.

But in so many cases it's more complicated than that:

There's retcons, where both things were canon at some point, and a portion of the fandom has decided that the council made a stupid-ass decision so they have elected to ignore it.

There's all the times where, yeah, fandom just did it better. I mean, we have so many more brains to work with and so many more perspectives, it's inevitable that it'll sometimes happen, even before you get into the problems with the alleged "artistic process" at certain, ahem, corporations, and how much of a difference it makes to have people who actually care about the "product" making the art! In these cases, we're aware that our version is not canon: that's kinda the whole damn point. Our version is a "screw you" or a "let me show you how it's done" to canon. (And in the cases when someone does assert that it's canon, their tongue is pretty firmly in their cheek!)

There's times when what is being asserted as Canon is instead an interpretation of what we actually see, perhaps a reasonable and supportable interpretation but also not the only possible option, and someone doesn't want to acknowledge that they are no longer talking about the provable facts of the text and are instead discussing the subjective meaning of it.

And there are absolutely times when some contingent of the fandom, in the name of stupid shipwars and the like, tries to use The Grand High Magnificent Canon as a cudgel against anyone who's just, y'know, doin their own thing in their own corner and not bothering anyone with it.

I think it's always worth remembering that one of the basic principles of fandom---and one of its foundational paradoxes---is that we're brought together as a community by a shared interest in a particular piece of art, but that we are also approaching it as a shared sandbox, rather than an Aura-laden perfection on a pedestal, in which we all have a right to play. And the ability to look at the original art as something the viewer can interact with, reject parts of, change at their whim, etc., also means that no piece of fandom art and interpretation around it has undue control, either. Just because something's canon doesn't mean I have to accept it as part of my own take. Just because something's a popular fanon doesn't mean I have to accept it as part of my own take. Same statement, and much better than the alternative of actually trying to enforce one particular interpretation on a whole huge group of people.

[chocolatecakecas]

Rockin' the Suburbs: Chapter 4

chp1 chp2 chp3 or read on ao3

After an afternoon of failed research attempts, Dean found himself carrying an excited Jack in his arms, walking up the sidewalk, hand in hand with Cas. Which didn't immediately send Dean's mind running wild because it honestly was starting to feel natural. Which of course is what sent Dean's mind running, but at least the act of Cas grabbing his hand wasn't the real source of the freak out anymore.

Dean's fine by the way. Totally cool and normal and under control.

"You ready?" Dean asks as they come to a stop at the back gate.

"As I'll ever be" Cas quips, giving Dean's hand a squeeze, which he gratefully returns.

"Holy shit" Dean gasps, jaw-dropping, head quickly snapping towards Cas.

"I agree completely...." Cas trails off, as he drags Dean further into the backyard.

There were people, food, drinks, tents, music blasting, and lights strung up everywhere. And a giant fire pit in the center, with crowds of people hovering around it, roasting marshmallows and hotdogs.

How many people lived in this damn neighborhood?

"So see any fugly faces?"

"If you're talking about demons, then no-"

"Well, what about that lad-"

"No she's no-"

"What about that group, those guys seem kinda-"

"No Dea-"

"Okay well, what about th-"

"Dean if I see a demon I'll be sure to let you know, promptly" Cas sighs, clearly exasperated, which only causes Dean to smile wider.

(read the rest under the cut)

"Okay.....but what abo-"

"Hi guys! Oh my god, we're so glad you decided to come!"

Their heads snap over to see Molly and Jason making their way towards them.

"Time to schmooze with the capitalists" Dean whispers to Cas, earning an elbow jack to the rib, but when he looks over, he sees amusement in Cas' eyes.

"Your home is lovely" Cas gushes when they're within earshot.

"Yeah, this is quite the rager you've got going on back here" Dean muses, earning bright smiles from the pair.

"Thank you! But Amanda's already managed to find at least ten things wrong with the decor, or the lights, or the food" Molly grumbles, as Jason gently rests his arm around her waist.

"Seriously, and Bill picked up every bottle of wine and inspected the year. As if these people aren't drunk enough to even care about the aged taste" Jason continues with an eye roll.

"Oh! Speaking of drinks what can we get you? We've got beer, wine from the wrong years, whiskey, scotch? You name it we've got it"

Shit. Dean hasn't had to talk about this with anyone outside of his family, but his dumbass should have thought about it. He is a party after all.

"Oh um..." Dean starts, but trails off realizing he didn't actually think through what he was going to say. His mouth has been doing that a lot lately.

"Oh we actually don-"Cas rushes in, giving Dean's hand a squeeze, which makes Dean's breath hitch.

Dean was floundering like an idiot and Cas cut in to help. That stupid, undiscussed swirling feeling dancing in his stomach, and he also can't help the dopey grin that spreads across his lips.

"I actually don't drink anymore, not since this little bug came around. But Cas here will definitely take a beer" Dean smiles, giving Jack a little bounce in his arms.

"Dean are you sur-"

"Yeah babe, it's good. I promise. Have a beer, you dork" Dean says turning to fully look at Cas so he gets that he means it. And he must because Cas gives a small smile back, which definitely doesn't make his stomach flip.

They turn back to the pair, praying they get the memo so Dean doesn't have to explain any further.

"Oh! So we have water, seltzer soda. We've got sprite, rootbeer-" Molly quickly moves to offer.

"A coke is good if you have it" Dean interrupts before Molly lists every single brand of soda they've got. And with a nod, Jason jogs off to get their drinks.

"Oh! Jack's probably itching to play with the rest of the kids. There's a whole section set up on the far side of a yard, keeping them far away from that fire pit! But don't worry, a handful of the parents are taking shifts" Molly rushes to add, as she points them in the right direction.

The two turn to follow her finger, Dean's eyes blowing wide at the sight. Four different size bounce houses, two jungle gyms, a huge sandbox, and pretty much every toy you can imagine. And yeah there's things definitely for toddlers, but Dean can only focus on the height of the slides and the amount of kids jumping inside that inflatable nightmare.

His hold only tightens around Jack, as he glances down hurriedly at Cas. But to his surprise Cas isn't gazing horrified at kid-sized deathtraps, he's smiling brightly, eyes shining.

Dean's gotta put his foot down. There's no way, it's too dangerous

"I don't know Jack's neve-"

"Exactly, why he should. There is more than enough equipment his size, and looks like there's plenty of kids around his age. And we both agreed it would be good for him to play with more children his own age, remember?" Cas supplies calmly, resting a hand over his shoulder. The heat radiating through Dean's jacket is doing nothing to put him at ease.

"Yeah but that fire-"

"Is perfectly safe. See, there's at least six parents over there right now. We can even take a shift watching the kids soon if you'd like?" Cas offers in the same tone, eyes shining with sincerity. And Dean manages to pull his gaze away long enough to glance over at the kids' party zone again.

There's a sort of gate squared off in the corner of the yard, with a large and small bouncy house, and what looks like a group of parents watching every move intently.

Cas is right. Jack will be fine. Of course, he will be. And if he's not, they'll just kill whoever's responsible. Stupid angels and their stupid sound logic.

"Alright, you're right" Dean sighs in defeat, as he gears up to walk across the yard. Besides Dean can probably use this as a chance to talk to some of the other paren-

And it happens so fast Dean almost misses it.

But he sure as hell feels it.

There's a heat on his cheek that quickly comes and goes, but there's a lingering warmth that blossoms in its place, spreading across his entire face and down his neck. Lighting shooting through his veins with a jolt, and of course that swirling feeling is back.

What the hell?

Dean's slowly turns towards the source and sees Cas smiling up at him. There's a nervousness dancing behind his features, the kind that's only visible to the trained eye. His hand his still on his shoulder, but he's closer now-wait.

Dean's entire brain short circuits as it works to catch up with the rest of his body, most importantly with his face and that whole lightning thing going on.

Then his brain finally snaps back into action, sending his stomach flipping, that swirling thing looping right along with it.

Because Cas kissed him.

Cas kissed him. On the cheek. Like it was nothing.

And the culprit refocuses in his vision, still smiling up at him anxiously, blue eyes searching his features. And Dean without even thinking, smiles back, which seems to settle Cas.

"I'm very proud of you for making the mature fatherly decision, now go! I'm sure Jack's dying for a turn on that bouncy thing" Cas teases, shoving Dean away, and he vaguely hears Molly giggling behind him. Dean doesn't even have time to process what he said before he's walking across the grass.

Actually, Dean isn't processing anything at the moment.

Because Cas just kissed him on the cheek like it was nothing, and Dean's face is on fire while his heart does its damnedest to pound its way out of his chest. Because now Dean Winchester is having a flustered meltdown over a friggin kiss on the cheek like he's thirteen again?

But it was more than that. Because he sure as hell didn't think Cas would go for it first so what i-

Dean almost stalls, but quickly forces his feet to keep moving as his stomach twists.

Because that feeling, the feeling Dean doesn't talk about is swirling in his stomach, bubbling upwards, trying t-nope.

Dean clenches the hand, that isn't currently supporting Jack, into a fist, nails digging into his palm. It was just a peck on the cheek it didn't mean shit. They had talked all about PDA, and both agreed to it, so that's all it was. It was a kiss for the sake of the case, all for the act.

So Dean tries to shove it from his mind, but failing to get rid of the warmth still radiating through his body and the tingling on his cheek. But hey, he isn't perfect.

He thankfully makes it over to the kid's section in one piece, but unfortunately, an over-excited mom immediately spots him.

"Hi I'm Maria, I don't recognize you, so must be one of our new neighbors!" Maria practically cheers, and Dean doesn't buy her false enthusiasm for a second, but he plasters a smile on his face ready to play the part.

"Yeah I'm-"

"I spotted you and your husband carrying boxes in yesterday! Didn't look like you had very much hmm?" Maria continues as if she hadn't heard him. And Dean didn't miss that little dig and he definitely didn't miss the way she emphasized husband.

"Yup that's me, Dean Richardson, and this is my son Jack" Dean says before she has a chance to cut him off again.

"Pleasure to meet you two! Now I assure you Jack is in good hands, you've got some of the best parents on duty right now!" Maria jokes and Dean has a feeling she's a little tipsy, which only increases his nerves. At least there's some other capable-looking parents standing around.

Maria continues to chatter loudly about god knows what, so he ignores her opting to carefully stand Jack on the ground, crouching to his level.

"Alright Squish, you're gonna hang out over here and have some fun with the rest of the kids! Me and your Dad are going to be right over there" Dean says excitedly, which only makes Jack even more excited.

"So if you need us, you tell one of the other grown-ups, and we'll come right over. And remember the rules kiddo? No mojo, capiche?" Dean reminds, whispering the last part.

"Capeesh!" Jack promises and Dean can't help but smile. So reluctantly, he presses a kiss to Jack's hair, and gently nudges him towards the other kids, watching as he runs away laughing.

"He's such a little cutie! Oh look he's playing with my Ella" Maria gushes while Dean silently prays Jack will drop that kid so he doesn't have to Maria and her false sweetness, ever again.

"Yeah, adorable. Anyway, my husband and I will gladly take a shift watching the little rugrats a-"Dean starts trying his best to sound like he doesn't want to strangle her.

"Oh no I wouldn't dream of it! It's your first party in the neighborhood, we have more than enough capable parents on duty tonight! Get back to your husband, drink, mingle!" Maria interrupts shoving him away, and Dean has no choice but to obey, unless he wanted to cause a scene. Which he did want to, because he was practically fuming from that subtle dig at capabilities at a parent, but he couldn't he had the damn case to think about.

And with a final glance to assure Jack was okay, Dean quickly surveys the crowd, easily spotting Cas' leather. He begins to make his way over, but suddenly the memories from five minutes ago come rushing back leaving him frozen.

Cas had kissed him-yeah it was on the cheek, but it was a kiss nonetheless. And that stupid swirling feeling began to bubble up in his stomach, unable to move as the-

"Dean, over here man!" Jason calls from across the yard, effectively kicking Dean's back into gear, as he made his way over to them.

Stuff it Winchester, focus on the case. It's all for the case.

So Dean jogs, over stopping next to Cas, who was lightly laughing along with Jason and Molly. Jason hands him a bottle, an honest-to-god glass bottle of Coke. They probably had to buy hundreds of these, must have cost a fortune.

"Is Jack all settled?" Cas asks, the slight worry on his face. And so without thinking, Dean takes his hand giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Yeah babe, kiddo is having the time of his life over there," Dean says with a sweet smile, pet name rolling off his tongue like nothing as he meets his eyes. Cas only responds with a smug smirk that says "I told you so", which definitely didn't make Dean's stomach flip.

"So, new neighbors let's get the good gossip out of the way before the bitch squad corners us. Tell us about yourselves! What do you guys do for a living?" Molly teases, effectively snapping them out of their staring contest.

Showtime

"Well I'm a mechanic, still looking for a good space in the area to set up shop, but Cas here is all set with a position at Amherst College in the sprin-" Dean begins, gushing about Cas like a proud husband.

"Dean, of course, is wildly underselling himself. He specializes in classic car restoration" Cas cuts in also like a proud husband, but there's a hint of sincerity in his voice that twists Dean's heart.

"Wow! So that gorgeous Impala really is your's after all?" Molly asks in awe.

"Yeah that's my Baby, rebuilt her after a crash a while back, she's been in the family for years" Dean shrugs, hand instinctively reaching for the back of his neck, but he can't help the little sense of pride that swells in his chest. He feels Cas squeeze his hand, but before he can glance over Jason starts talking.

"And Cas, Amherst that's impressive! What course do you teach?"

"English literature, and global history" Cas answers. They decided to tack on the history on account of Cas knowing pretty much all of history, and that it might be an in seeing as weirdo rich people are often weirdo history buffs.

"Oh I actually teach history over at the high school" Jason reveals, and Dean has to hold back a laugh.

Weirdo rich people, weirdo history buffs. Score.

"Well looks like we're surrounded by academics! Amherst, an incredible school, but that's a bit of a commute from here, isn't it?

"Oh it's not too bad, and the drive is all worth it if we get to live in this beautiful neighborhood. But what about you, Molly?" Cas deflects smoothly shooting them a charming smile-that Dean definitely didn't find charming.

"Oh, I'm a real estate lawyer. That's how we're in this gorgeous neighborhood" Molly jokes, Jason laughing along.

Real estate law, Dean tucks away that info for later because maybe that's how they got their house on the market and sold so quickly.

"Hey everyone, sorry to interrupt but we just wanted to introduce ourselves to the new neighbors," A shorter man says as he appears on the other side of Cas, with another man in tow.

"Oh come join the real party, anything to stay away from those vultures" Molly snorts with an eye roll, earning a laugh from everyone.

"I'm Tom, and this is my husband Stephen" The man, Tom, supplies as they each stretch out a hand. Dean reluctantly lets go of Cas' hand, and as they each shake their's, exchanging greetings.

Turns out Tom and Stephen live right across the street from them. Great, they're gonna have to get in extra good with them, because they might have seen something the night of the murders.

"So, we were giving these two the rundown on our lives, before Amanda and Bill start circling" Molly groans, and Tom and Stephen launch into discussing what they do for a living. Dean, of course, listens very intently, as he tries not to think about the sudden loss of warmth in his hand.

But he really doesn't have to think too long because he finds Cas' arm is curling around friggin waist.

Dean's eyes instantly snap up, as he tries to keep his expressions in check, but he can feel the heat creeping over his cheeks. Cas only gives him a nervous look, which makes Dean's chest tighten at the sight. Damnit.

Because yeah Cas keeps taking the lead, but he's never actually done this before, he's just doing what he thinks he should do. Cas must be anxious as fuck. And Dean's general "lets never talk about emotion or affection" attitude, probably isn't helping. He's the one who knows what to do, he should be helping ease Cas into this more, not having breakdowns every time they make eye contact.

So without really thinking, Dean slightly leans into Cas, causing him to wrap his arm around him tighter. It clearly settles Cas' nerves, because that worried look is gone, replaced with a smile, before he turns his head back to the conversation.

And Dean figures since Cas is listening, it's okay to tap out for a moment. Because excuse him, but Cas' arm is around his fucking waist, not even 20 minutes after he kissed him. Dean's just surprised he isn't passed out on the ground yet.

And that feeling-the feeling Dean of course doesn't talk-about is back and swirling around his stomach, threatening to bubble up his throat. It's making him feel nauseous, as his heart thumps against his chest.

But he can't exactly bring himself to care because there's a warmth washing over his body in waves. The heat of Cas' arm around his waist and shoulder resting against his own, radiates through his jacket. Dean can smell the worn leather mixing with Cas' cologne as he tries to focus back in on the conversation-what is he doing.

He's supposed to be getting info about the neighbors, and all he can think about is Cas' arm around his waist. Which is only there to keep up the act, and it doesn't matter that it fee-nope not even gonna go there.

Focus Winchester.

"-but enough about work, how did you two meet?" Dean catches Molly asking, and thank god he chose that moment to pull it together.

So Dean quickly meets Cas' eye. Both knowing they have to nail this part if they plan to gain anyone's trust. They hadn't exactly rehearsed it, but they are best friends who've spent over a decade lying for a living. They've got this.

Dean takes a steadying breath, ignoring the swirling and the warmth and the heart rate.

"Well, it was back in 2008. I was sort of going through a bit of a rough patch at work and was frequenting the local bar a bit too much. But maybe the hangovers were worth it, because one night this guy with wild hair and baby blues strolled in and happened to sit at the other end of the bar. And just my luck he looked about just as much of a mess as I did-no offense babe" Dean began putting on a show, and Cas rolled his eyes.

"Oh please, you didn't look half the mess that I did" Cas teases dramatically. Cas then gave him a look, leveling Dean with an arched eyebrow, causing laughter to bubble around them.

"Yeah yeah Casanova, we both looked a wreck okay? So much of a wreck that we apparently felt so sorry for each other, that we unknowingly bought one another a drink"

"After the bartender pointed out who bought me the beer, I looked up to see it was the person I had just bought a drink. So I figured he was worth a little conversation, and I moved to sit on the stool next to him" Cas continues, throwing a wink at Dean.

Damn they were good at this.

"And it turned out we were both walking disasters. I was out of a job, and Cas here had just gone through the world's worst breakup-"

"We had been together for years, and I had decided I'd had it. It was a mess, his whole family got involved. But I guess it was a good thing it was such a disaster, or I never would have gotten a drink from the gorgeous man at the end of the bar" Cas cuts back in, which definitely didn't make Dean's cheeks flare.

"Anyway, we got to talking, probably overshared way too much with a complete stranger, and called it a night. But I thought I'd be crazy to let him get away, so I practically chased him down on the street to get his number. And god was I lucky he didn't think I was a creep-"

"Actually I thought it was very romantic. Like a movie, too bad it wasn't raining. But honestly, I was just lucky he didn't think I was a creep when I called to ask him on a date the next morning" Cas jokes, earning another laugh from the group. Dean quickly surveys their faces to see that they're hooked. Time for the grande finale.

"And really the rest is history, we just sorta clicked. It sounds like bullshit, but it was like we were made for each other ya know? Cas just always knew what to say, always knew what to do to, understands me better than anyone else, helps me through every obstacle. I guess you could say he basically pulled me out of hell. And he still does, every day. There's no one else in the world I'd rather have by my side" Dean gushes, tacking on the hell line as a joke, but it didn't exactly sound like one. No, it sounded like the most sincere thing Dean's ever said, and he quickly realizes that it's not part of the act. He really means it.

He glances back over at Cas to see him slightly slack-jawed, gazing at him in soft wonder. Dean's heart picks up again, stomach swirling as he makes a little fist to ground himself.

Because of course, he means it Cas is his best friend, he's family that's nothing new. But it's more than that and yo-nope. Focus. Cas is only looking at him like that as part of the act, he's playing up.

Dean quickly tries to wrack his brain for something to say, but thankfully Molly cuts in.

"God aren't you two just the cutest, sappiest couple in the entire world! Oh my god, you're like a romcom. The perfect couple" Molly practically shouts earning a laugh from everyone and nods of agreement.

"Trust me, it wasn't as simple as a romcom. We fight, and we scream, but we always come back to each other" Cas says earnestly, looking right into Dean's eyes.

And Dean's pretty sure his heart is gonna burst through his chest because Cas' heart eyes look pretty damn convincing and it's sending his thoughts running. But thankfully, Tom and Stephen start telling the story of how they met, so Dean can thankfully push those thoughts aside. For now.

And after an hour of small talk, Dean and Cas have got a pretty good grasp on the people they're dealing with.

They learn that Stephen and Tom are both doctors at the same hospital, they have three-year-old daughter named Elizabeth. And with a glance over at the kids' section, they see that she and Jack are playing together. Another couple, Emma and Rachel come and join them all about halfway through. Emma is a cardiologist, and Rachel is a biomedical engineer, and they're in the process of adopting. They also learn that this entire week is the "Annual Autumn Festival", and there's a different event hosted by a different family each night, ending with a huge block party on Saturday night. Apparently, the school in town gives the kids a whole week off for some "district convention" with the higher ups, so they've been doing this for years.

And honestly, despite everything, Dean's actually having a good time. Yeah, these people's careers are insane, but Dean thinks they're pretty normal, and he's genuinely enjoying talking to them. And they seem to have warmed up to them, so with a slight nod from Cas, Dean goes in for the kill.

"So, we have to ask. We saw some crazy stuff in the news about this neighborhood, of course, it was after we bought the place. But we couldn't find much info about it" Dean begins gently to ease them into the conversation.

"Oh you must be talking about Carol and Mike" Rachel supplies with a frown, and a silence settles over the group.

"We're sorry, we didn't mean to pry. We were just curious sin-"Cas begins to apologize

"No, it's okay. You've got a right to know since it is about your house and all. Not your fault someone paid to keep it out of the news" Ton sighs heavily, and Stephen comfortingly presses his kiss to his temple.

"Carol and Mike were our best friends before they we-before everything" Stephen chokes out.

"We're so sorry for your loss" Dean offers, Cas nodding along.

"The night it happened, we were actually all supposed to go out to dinner. The four of us and the kids, it's a monthy tradition. But when we walked across the street to meet them, Carol answered. We should have known something was off bu-"

"Hello! I'm seeing frowns which is never a sign of a good party!" A shrill voice calls, which earns a groan from the group.

Damnit. They were so close.

Suddenly there's a shorter woman with platinum blonde hair, and a man with enough goop in his hair to grease a pan, who've both clearly had some work done.

"Hi I'm Amanda, and this is my husband Bill. You two must be our new neighbors" Amanda smiles with her too-white teeth, extending a hand with perfectly manicured nails. Of course, they are.

Dean resists the urge to roll his eyes, but with a squeeze on his side from Cas, he's reaching out his hand to shake theirs'.

"Bill, a pleasure to meet you! Nice to see you've already found your people. I know how you guys like to group up" Bill laughs with an equally blinding, white smile.

A pit drops in Dean's stomach. "Your people", who does this guy think he is? And these aren't Dean's people he's stra-

Give it a rest Winchester, you can only lie to yourself about so many things at once.

Fine so maybe they are "Dean's people", but this homophobic assclown has no right to say it, especially not like that.

"Well, not as much as your people lik-"Dean starts, only to be cut off by a pinch to his side and he whips his head towards Cas.

"Just let it go, he isn't worth it" Cas softly whispers in his ear, while he gently pulls him closer. With a huff, Dean begrudgingly lets it go.

He turns back to the conversation to see Bill and Amanda completely ignoring them, as they ramble on about nonsense. Dean quickly locks eyes with each couple, they throw him an eye roll, or a face when Amanda and Bill aren't looking.

"Oh Amanda and Bill, looks like you found the new neighbors" Molly calls slightly strained as she and Jason practically run back over.

"Yes, but sadly we don't have much time to chat with them tonight. There are still some people we must say hello to" Amanda informs, and honestly, Dean could cheer from relief.

"But you two must stop by sometime this week so we can get you properly acquainted with the neighborhood. Maybe widen the variety of your social groups" Bill snarks and Dean opens his mouth to retort but is silenced by a sharp tug from Cas.

"Thank you for the offer, bu-" Cas answers cooly before Dean even thinks about reopening his mouth.

"Perfect! Stop by Tuesday around two, we'll have lunch! But like I said we must be going, try to have a pleasant evening. Oh and Molly, that chicken looked a bit dry, might want to check on that" Amanda proclaims, and then she and Bill are disappearing into the crowd.

Dean turns to glare at Cas, who only gives him a look that reads "we'll talk about it later".

"I'm so sorry you got trapped by them. God, they're the fucking worst" Molly groans in apology

"Yeah can't argue with that" Dean grits out, still fuming from Bill's words and Amanda's stupid smirk.

"And Bill's such a homophobic bastard, thinks he's so subtle. God, what I'd give to shove a-" Emma rants, only to be cut off by a gentle shove from her wife.

"We can try to get you out of the lunch with them, we can sa-"Jason offers, but Cas of all people shuts him down.

"It's okay, if we go once and make them hate us, maybe they'll never bother us again. Oh and I'm sorry, but we really better get going. It's almost Jack's bedtime. Thank you for everything" Cas explains with a smile, shooting a look at Dean.

"Yeah, this was a killer party. So great to meet you guys, hope we see you all soon!" Dean says plastering on a smile despite his bubbling anger.

And with quick goodbyes, Cas' arm unsnakes itself from around Dean's waist. But before he can mourn the loss, he feels his hand in his dragging him silently towards the kids' section. They scoop up an exhausted, but ecstatic Jack, and carefully avoid running into Maria, as they make their way through the gate.

Now that they're alone, walking down the cold, dark sidewalk, Dean can hold it in anymore.

"God we were so damn close then, Barbie and Ken had to show up and shut the whole thing down! And now you want us to have lunch with them?" Dean rages, pointedly ignoring the way Cas' hand that isn't holding a sleeping Jack, squeezes his own. And of course, the fact that they're still holding hands.

"I know they were dicks, but I noticed them circling us for at least ten minutes, and they only rushed over as soon as we started asking about the murders. Isn't that suspicious?" Cas questions.

"Yeah I guess, but wh-"

"So I think they might be the thing we're hunting. I only agreed to lunch so we could check them out, and scope out their house" Cas continues, amusement dancing in his voice

Of course. God, it's so obvious how could Dean miss it? This whole thing is really fucking with his head.

"Alright, no need to be smug about it. But I still don't understand why you wouldn't let me tear that assclown a new one" Dean grumbles, anger quickly returning as they climb their porch steps.

Cas sighs dropping his hand, turning to look at Dean fully. Dean's heart starts up, as Cas levels him with an intense, unreadable stare.

"Because he's just some rich, homophobic asshole, who believes he's better than everyone. But he's not, because he isn't even worth your energy or thought. He doesn't know anything about us" Cas speaks, softly, as he rests a hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean suddenly realizes they're standing almost nose to nose.

"And I certainly don't care what he thinks of me or you, and I certainly don't care what he thinks of us. Because all that matters is how we think about ourselves." Cas continues purposefully, and Dean's throat constricts at the words. Dean of course knows Cas is "indifferent to sexual orientation", but he doesn't know that he-wait is Cas-

"And besides, if he's the monster. We'll get to kill him, slowly" Cas says in a mock-serious tone, which startles a laugh from Dean's throat. He's so close he can feel Cas's breath on his face, and Cas can probably hear Dean's heart racing.

But thankfully the logical part of Dean's brain is still somewhat running because it reminds him that it's all for the act. "He doesn't know anything about us", Cas was talking about the act. These people don't know they're pretending.

Because none of this is rea-

And it happens so fast that Dean almost misses it, again. But now he's watching Cas' retreating form walk through the doorway, and up the stairs. Leaving Dean, standing alone in the cold night air, his hand moving to his cheek without consent.

Cas kissed him on the cheek, again.

But this time. Nobody was around. They were completely alone, nobody to put on an act for.

That swirling feeling his back and wreaking havoc on his stomach again, while that lightning thing courses through his veins, and his mind races a mile a minute.

Dean lets out a breath, aggressively running his hands through his hair, as he stares out onto the empty street.

Because what the fuck is happening.

tag list:

(Please let me know of you'd like to be added or removed!!💛)

@wormstacheangel @smiledean @shelikestv @chaoticdean @midnightwings-deancas @jellydeans @sunshine-jack @archervale @wikiangela @organicpurplepants @you-cant-spell-subtext-without @writtendevastation @tkdwolf2012 @doemons-blog @sinnabonka @rolling-stoned-girl @skylerkernaghan @icefire149

@shadowywerewolfqueen @the-cookie-navy @thelahatiel @thefantasyfiend @castielle-deanna @aestheticflyer26 @multi-fandom-imagine @x-mypeopleskillsarerusty-x @wellofwoes @becky-srs @multi-fandom-dark-lord @perfectkoaladream @castiel-for-lunch @it--hurts--to--become @bowtiesandneckerchiefs

@dakiaty @feraldean @teamfreebees @keshetcas @hrh-princess-bea @martymar1963 @midnight-sparks-studio @slipper007 @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @winchester-novak @lyonessrampant @angelic-bee-enthusiast @nguyenxtrang @idiot-on-the-hill @ethicalbitch @fandoms-and-things @doreschary @confix

[mittensmorgul]

Incoming sad rant about the spn ending. Don't read if you're not interested in reading something like that, but I literally don't know anyone in real life I can talk about this with, and I really need an outlet:

Sometimes I can put the way SPN ended out of my head and think "it's just a stupid show. I don't have to accept the finale, and the writers/network are wrong." But other times I just get gripped with really intense sadness at the disrespect that was done to my favorite characters. To the point where I'll sit still for hours a day, just wallowing in it. It ruins my whole day and mood. And then I think to myself "I'll just find some other stories that end better!" but then I get sad again, cuz I don't think I will ever love other characters as much as I love Dean and Cas, and then I spiral again thinking about all the potential this unique beautiful love story had, and how we're never going to get the closure we deserve.

I really hate that after all this time, I'm a grown ass adult getting sad over fictional characters. I know it's not that trivial, but I sometimes wish it was so I could get over it 😞

Hi hi, and first of all *socially distanced internet hugs* I’m sorry you don’t have an outlet, but you’re always welcome to chat with me (if you come off anon we can talk privately if you want. My DM’s are always open, even when it takes me a bit to reply. no one should have to feel alone in this.)

I’m actually gonna start at the bottom of your message and work my way up, because I also, as a grown-ass adult, get sad over fictional characters. And I need to emphasize that this is the *point* of fiction. A well-written and developed fictional character is *indistinguishable in our minds from an actual real human being.* The way we react to them *feels exactly the same to our brains and bodies* as how we react to real people, and that’s a testament to just how well developed Dean and Cas were in canon.

I am not a young person. I have engaged with a lot of media over my life, and have *never* felt this strongly about fictional characters before, so I understand what you mean when you struggle to think about finding another story that ended better, or struggle to think about finding other characters you might become this attached to or experience this sort of emotional investment in. And I think there is another factor you didn’t consider there: The vast majority of other media I have engaged with, I was able to relate to on a level of “oh that’s nice for them” or “wow that sucks for them.” I have never, and possibly never will again, feel so utterly invested in fictional characters, to the point where it affects my real life as much as Supernatural has. Period.

I will likely never experience *literal physical lovesickness* over two fictional characters ever again. I hadn’t ever experienced it *in my own real life* before, and yet 15.18 triggered all those symptoms in me. As an aromantic person, this was pretty shocking to me. It also says a lot about just how real these characters feel to us, and how important they have become to us. They make us feel this! This is not an accident. It’s *incredibly difficult* to create fictional characters with this range and depth of emotional connection, and yet here we are.

I think that’s the biggest evidence possibly to present in defense of the statement that THIS IS NOT JUST SOME STUPID SHOW.

Other evidence: this fandom, still going strong after 15 years. Look at every SPN convention for proof. Look at AO3, where there are more posted stories about Dean and Cas than literally any other pairing on the planet (by a not-small margin, too). If that isn’t enough evidence, we have fanart to look at as well. Look through @theroadsofararchive where at the time of this posting there are over 40,000 artworks catalogued, and more being added all the time. Same with @canonspngifs where you can search through through nearly 75,000 gifsets organized by an excellent tagging system and made by dedicated fans out of love for the thing. This is all proof that you are not alone, that so many of us care just as deeply about them as you do. Not even mentioning the people who have written hundreds of millions of words of meta, articles, and even masters theses and doctoral dissertations on Supernatural and the fandom. This is a unique thing, even within the larger fandom culture. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your feelings for it are stupid or irrelevant or wrong.

But also don’t let anyone try to convince you that you must accept the finale as part of the story if you don’t want to. Don’t even let *yourself* believe that if you don’t want to. This show has done more to play with the themes of “what is reality” and “who gives a story meaning” and alternate universes and curses and djinn dreams to easily account for whatever the heck the finale was.

my current go-to theory: everything after Chuck’s defeat takes place in the Mockumentary Alternate Universe... it fits way too uncomfortably well... and then I just apply the fic I received in a cosmic transmission from the actual supernatural universe wrote detailing the events of what *I* hoped would transpire afterward. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for me, mostly because it *has* to. It means far too much to me not to.

You are not alone in having invested yourself into this story, and these characters. Your feelings about them are not wrong or stupid or frivolous. And the proof is everyone else who feels the same exact way, who connected to this story (and to each other through this story), and whose lives have been forever altered through this journey together. The fact that Dabb turned out to have been Chuck Junior and couldn’t see (or was prevented from showing us) what Team Free Will would’ve chosen to do with that after defeating their original creator just stands to prove to me that the finale can’t possibly be The Truth, you know?

I don’t know if any of this will help you, or provide you some small comfort right now, but maybe it will eventually. We’re all processing the loss of the show and the abject failure of story that was the finale in different ways, and I’m sure our emotional reactions will shift over time. It was just A Lot to process all in the span of a few incredibly emotional weeks-- not even mentioning how all of that emotional response was compounded by the american elections and surrounding nonsense, the general stress of enduring a global pandemic and all that entails, and *waves hands around broadly at everything else contributing to the trauma occurring in the collective of humankind right now.* We’ve all been emotionally compromised, so be kind to yourself in how you feel you’re coping with it all.

And know that no matter what, you are not alone in how you’re feeling. The grief is real, and our brains don’t care if it’s felt for fictional characters or real people. This was honestly a once in a lifetime experience for a lot of us, and not even the wtf of the finale can kill it for us if we don’t let it. I reject that particular piece of rusty rebar and choose to believe in a just and narratively coherent resolution. To do anything less feels like dishonoring the story and characters who have drawn me in and made me feel so much for them over the years. If the story itself couldn’t honor them properly, then I can choose to do so myself.

<3

[pluralismajestatis]

18: What has your experience with therapy been like?

Oh, it's been... depending on what time period we're talking about, really. ^^;

We've been in outpatient clinics since we were seven years old, so we've been through a lot of different providers, but we've only actually done proper therapy twice with a licensed therapist. The first one was not a good experience - we picked in a hurry, and got an art therapist who treated us like a child and really didn't work out in the long term. We were 15 at the time.

Being in therapy now, we've been with our therapist for a year now and we love her. She's a trauma/dissociation specialist and has been so helpful and approachable about everything, and we really feel like we can talk with her about just about anything. The only downside to it is that she's very adamant about her client first method, so sometimes we get a bit lost about where we should be heading, or what we should be addressing, when we don't have an urgent concern to talk about. From her perspective, any prompting needs to come from our end, and she doesn't want to dictate where we go or what we talk about. She does make suggestions when she notices a topic we should approach later, but she doesn't actually set the times on when we talk about those things. Just that they'll be important "when we want to do it." And then we forget them, because we don't take notes, like the dumbasses that we are, really. And there's things that we, well. We're dissociative - there's some things we don't go back to because our brain doesn't want us to talk about or process them.

But even then - it's been so helpful, actually, to get a specialist who actually understands what's going on with us and has the patience to work with us, and doesn't judge us even when we're being stupid. She's so good and we're hoping to keep her for a long while more!

[virtual-luvr]

˗ˏˋMary, Midari, and Runa with an s/o who is a ghostˎˊ˗

Pronouns: gender neutral; they/them

Warnings: cussing. mentions of death, murder, suicide and a g>n-

Note: request by @massivewolfpandaknight thank you so much i love writing for kakegurui especially these girls!! Also marys is longer then all the other ones sorry😔 i tried to have more fun with this request too so i hope its still good :(

-----------

Mary Saotome

First off, you met because of Yumeko

She was dragging you all over the school and at one point it was pissing you off so much you just decided to work your ~ghostly~ magic and get out of her grip

As shes lecturing you on acting normal, you're just staring at her with a black expression

"I dont see the problem"

"The problem is that we dont want everyone knowing your DEAD" she says ending her sentence with a sinister smile

It lowkey creeped you out

So you let out a sigh and give her a, "fine but dont drag me around like you did at our old school"

You actually died at the old school you used to go but you didn't have to stick at the school, you could go where ever

There weren't any boundaries lets say

So when Yumeko moved schools she dragged you with her and here you were now, pretending like you were still alive and not dead at all~

While you both were in deep conversation Mary came barging in asking "who in the hell is this bitch"

Sighing at her rude attitude you flick her forehead, your cold finger almost giving her a brain freeze and she stood in shock for a second.

"Who do you think you are" she says crossing her arms

What were you supposed to say to that, "a ghost???"

You mimic her actions and words in a high pitch voice

Yeah your relationship didn't start on the right foot

But hey after that whole meeting, you and Mary spent quite a long time together

Even though you fought a few times since her ego was so massive at the start of your relationship

But after a while she started opening up to you more and being nicer

Even going as far to be more affectionate to you and Yumeko noticed fast

Seeing as you were, very, oblivious

And didn't think anybody wanted to date you because you're a ghost, you thought nothing over her new actions towards you

At one point Yumeko just grabs you, brings you into a room, and tells you the truth

"Mary likes you, are you stupid? Oblivious or something? Go get her"

And as soon as you were in the room, you were out

As you stumbled out the door, Yumeko walking out calmly after you, Mary finds you

She looks between you and Yumeko, rasing her brow

Before leaving Yumeko says "no, nothing happened" winking at Mary and running away

You're still lowkey shocked at what Yumeko said

If you were alive, you'd probobly be blushing right now

"Heyyy Mary"

"What was that all about?" She asks, her cheeks puffed up a tiny bit

"Oh, it was nothing we were just talking"

"Didn't seem like just talking.." She mutters under her breath but you caught it

"Are you jealous??" You snicker out, getting closer to Mary step by step

As you walk closer and closer you basically have her pinned to the wall, blushing she just looks away from you

You smirk and give her a cheek a peck

She looks back with a shocked look on her face before giving you a smirk too

"Idiot, you missed"

Y'all kiss after that-

Honestly, she really doesent care that you're, dead-

She really likes when you pat her head or scratch her scalp since your fingers are cold

Flicking her forehead actually became a habit too-

You also have scheduled gambles and she gets mad at you if you say no sometimes

Midari Ikishima

To be honest, at first you wanted nothing to do with Midari

But she just kept on talking to you and annoying you

And even though the memory is blurry and hazy somewhere in between begging you to gamble with her and her being by your side twenty four seven

You started to get less annoyed by her

In the midst of starting a friendship with that girl you told her you were actually

And when you saw that glint in her eyes you got w o r r i e d

She almost tried to commit not alive on the spot

You screamed

Your reflexes were good enough and you took the g>n out of her hands

You tried to push her away but she fell on top of you in the process

Knowing her you knew she was going to say something that will not do good for you

So you panic and accidently go through the floor

You can hear her hit the floor even through the thick floor, it made you laugh but you wont tell her that

When you go back into the room shes actually knocked out

Did she really hit the floor that hard-

Either way you grab her unconscious body and take care of her until shes back on her feet

For once in your (after) "life" you see Midari calm

It was a very weird sight

She made you gamble with her once too

Never again.

You somehow one and she got too excited waiting for whatever punishment was going to happen next, she was on top of you at one point

You've also caught her in...compromising positions and you've ran out of that situation as fast as you could

She dreams of the day she can actually get you alone without you running away

It happened once, and that was the day you guys actually got together

She cornered you and you forgot all about your ghostly abilities for once

She pushes up to you and puts her face right in front of your face

"Why do you panic so much"

..what in the hell-

Since she's only met with your silence and your eyes aren't even meeting hers she gets a little impatient

She bonks you on the head with her g>n, not very lightly may i add

And as you open your mouth to protest she takes this opportunity to kiss you. After all shes been crushing on you for so long, not like you noticed though

You thought she chased everyone around

Im not going to act like the kiss went too smoothly, your teeth crashed with hers before you pulled away to give her an actual kiss

You grab her chin and give her a proper kiss this time, her g>n making a soft thud when it fell on the ground but you didn't pay much mind to it

After that she tries to kiss you as much as possible, sometimes more then kissing even when there are people around

Shes like one of those kids you have to put the animal backpack leashes, yeah you always need to check up on her before she does a disaster

When you joke about it she doesn't take it as a joke

So next time you see her at school with a leash in her hands you run away immediately

Runa Yomozuki

You guys met when she caught you trying to watch a gambling fight and didn't recognize you as a student there.

You guys met eyes and you just sat there like, "...hi :D"

She immediately starts questioning you, lollipop still in her mouth and you could barely understand half of the words she was saying-

When she notices you don't even care and you're just staring at the candy in her mouth she sighs and grabs another lollipop from her pockets

She hears you softly mutter, "i haven't had these in ages", shes a little confused

You just look up innocently and say, "oh im dead", when she gives you a questioning gaze

You're surprised when she doesn't start doubting your words-

She just goes "oh, makes sense" and walks away

You just sit there like, ?????

Also you might not have any taste buds

But you're still addicted to those lollipops

Anyways after that you make it your goal to annoy her as much as possible

And you do

For a few months actually

She usually shuts you up with a lollipop sometimes you annoy her by making the lollipop pass right through you

At one point she takes on a different method to shut you up and kisses your cheek, you sat there for a second and malfunctioned

She giggles at your reaction and does it a lot more

Doesent matter how many times she does it, you never get used to it

Your relationship kind of just blossomed

You guys didn't even notice any of it until one day you were staring at each other and kissed and you both just went "okay well we're dating now"

Everyone else barely knew about you so when they see Rona and you just kissing they're so confused

Rona doesn't even explain and you don't bother too either

She finds it funny

She giggles a little when you give her kisses since your lips are just as cold as you are

She now has to get even more candy since you both are obsessed and you steal her candy from her too

You pay back in kisses though

She likes it that way😌

She also likes to join you in scaring the students of the school

You guys do it in various ways but there are some that you like more

For example, sometimes she starts talking to someone and youll randomly appear right behind her and somehow that scares some of the students to death

Another one of your favorites is hiding behind a corner together and just waiting for people nearby and then yelling in their faces

Usually she goes first and after the person has calmed down you chime in and yell in their face too

[1699 words; aug/10/2020]

[kanmom51]

the thing you, me, and every anon might need a reminder on is that we don't know the inner workings of the members' minds. we don't know what makes them happy or hurt or uncomfortable. we can see what they do and hear what they say but we'll never know their feelings unless they tell us. we're all just filling in the gaps. we can't say that jungkook and jimin feel this way or that way about what the other does or says. we really can't impose our own feelings onto them.

So now we're coming at it from another angle are we?

Yes, we don't know what they think or feel all the time.

Yes, we have eyes and ears and can see and hear the way they act, interact, and talk about each other, over a span of over 8 years.

Part of having some kind of emotional intelligence is being able to interpret what a person is thinking or feeling from the situation, facial expressions, body movement or posture and listening and hearing what is being said.

So, no. We're not mind readers, but we are not stupid, and we do have a brain and can process what we see and hear from hours and hours of BTS content.

'Filling the gaps' you say? Well, that's life most of the time, because 99% of the time people will not tell you how they feel or what they think, you will, as you put it 'fill the gaps' and figure out, with the level of emotional intelligence or lack there of, what is going on.

Yes, sometimes you can be wrong. But the bigger your content base is the less likely you are to be. You see that person, how he acts with others, does he act differently with x or y, how differently, is this over time or a one time of, you listen to what he has to say, and you do that over a long period of time. That's called looking at the big picture anon.

So, do we know 100% what they are thinking or feeling? The answer will always be no. Only they do.

But can we come to conclusions based on that big picture? I think we can. You can see JK's reaction to being touched differ over the years, you can see how it is different with JM (and how that in itself changed around 2015), you can see how he pushes away the others (not JM) when he doesn't want to be touched by them. Just example of powers of deduction anon.