#when i find myself feeling overwhelmed by all the things that need to change/burnt out/etc etc

[16ozicedcoffee]

les mis fic writers who write really really great stories about the amis where political organizing is one of/the main plot (especially stories that feature such realistic organizing experiences) i want to give you all a kiss!!!!! many kisses!!!!!!

[dairedara]

hi, i hope you're doing okay. i'm sorry to ask this - but considering you made a switch from hellenic to brythonic/irish paganism, i was wondering if you had any advice for me. i'm worshipping many hellenic gods, and my shrines are overflowing with statues and devotions build up over many years. and yet i feel the pull of welsh deities - i have had one in particular reach out - and i find myself overwhelmed. i want to explore this new path, without the old feeling either 1) abandoned, 2) unworthy of my attention, or 3) forced if i can't beat the anxiety of the former 2 options. How did you tackle this? What was your experience? Thank you for your time.

Ooo this is a good question!

Alright, so, my main switch happened during a pretty sizable break I was taking from religion in general, when I was very burnt out and stressed, but I did incorporate some Celtic deities into my practice before that switch happened— namely Arawn, who I found out had been a presence in my life since I was young but I hadn’t been able to name him, and also the Dagda and the Morrígan.

My advice to incorporating these new deities is to get into the mindset of an ancient polytheist. When a Roman soldier went to Brittania and sacrificed to the new gods he met, he wasn’t abandoning his old ones— he simply made more room for them on his altar. Also, he didn’t necessarily have a super deep complex relationship with every deity he ever honored. He may have offered or prayed a few times to one for a specific reason.

The reason we associate gods with different concepts or things is because we need them in different spheres of our lives. We, as humans, are always growing, always changing, and as pagans we are going to naturally gravitate away from certain gods and go towards new ones. We may return to the old ones eventually. The gods understand this. I always think about it like my relationships with other humans. I have childhood best friends that I grew apart from, whether because of circumstance or because we just naturally parted, but despite the fact I don’t talk to them I still think of them fondly and appreciate the memories of them because they helped make me who I am today. One thing I did to ease the process was to do a new moon ritual where I thanked my “old” gods for all they did for me before I formally welcomed my “new” hearth cult.

One advantage of moving towards celtpol as a helpol rather than something else is the fact that there is… pretty much zero way to correctly practice celtpol from a reconstructionist perspective. If you are used to a certain style or process of ritual and/or worship, you can keep doing that. There’s no need to replace a working part of your practice when there is literally nothing to replace it with, lol.

Just some general advice for dealing with Celtic deities: you will have to rely on UPG a lot. Read the Mabinogion, read the Irish Cycles, wherever your deities are found. Read them multiple times, take notes. Eventually you will start to associate certain things with them. The archaeology just isn’t there like it is with classical religion, so there’s much less academic stuff out there if you’re used to that sort of thing. You will have to do a lot of extrapolation and put in the work.

One helpful resource I enjoyed from a contemporary perspective was Morgan Daimler’s Irish paganism books, she is one of the only Celtpol authors I trust and enjoy. Unfortunately there’s not really a Brythonic equivalent for her stuff, although maybe we’ll get one someday.

In terms of celtpol community, you’ll find it’s a lot lonelier than the helpol community. There’s just simply not many of us, and also we all just have radically different beliefs. There’s basically nothing that’s agreed upon. You’ll have celtpols who are very regionalist, anti-woo, etc. and you’ll have celtpols who are hyper-syncretist, very woo-y and whatnot. I’m in America, so it might be different for real-life communities in Ireland/the UK if that’s where you are.

Thank you so much for the question, nonnie <3 I wish you good luck on all your journeys, and please feel free to reach out again with asks or DMs if you have any other questions!

[sydneysstudies]

Motivation is very hard to come by when learning online if you are used to being motivated by those around you at school. We have to learn to become self-sufficient and figure out which methods are best to boost your motivation. If you’re struggling to focus, instead of getting frustrated, try to analyze how you feel and what changes you could make to help your situation.

Common scenarios:

1. You’re stuck or frustrated with understanding a topic

Change the subject/task that you are working on to something else and plan to come back to it later with a fresh mind or take a break altogether, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Ask a friend or professor for help. No shame in this (and something that I need to work on doing more).

2. You’re short on time so it feels like you're forced to do a task or you’re bored

(I’ve gotten so used to doing things ahead of time that I find that when I have very little time to do something I feel so overwhelmed that I’m tempted to not even do it at all. I have to convince myself that it’s better to submit as much as I can, rather than not try at all. However, I know that some work better under pressure, like I did too before.)

Change up what music/sounds you are listening to. I rarely am able to work without any sounds, I use music or background sounds to calm me down or keep me from getting too bored. Try switching between classical, video game music, library/cafe ambiance, ASMR, etc. until you are able to comfortably focus with it in the background. Sometimes I like to listen to music in a different language so I don’t get distracted by any lyrics.

Remember that you still need to take breaks. If you don't, you may start to hate doing what you’re working on and that's not what we're going for here.

3. You’re tired and you could probably nod off at any minute

Do a short meditation, which is perfect to clear your mind if you're feeling overwhelmed/distracted too.

Just take a nap. (They don’t always work well for me, but it might be that I’m not taking them for the right amount of time?)

Plan to go to bed earlier that night. Trust me it is worth it!

4. You’re just not able to start doing work at all

Having a schedule in place can help so you don't have to decide when to start working, you just follow the schedule/routine you have set for yourself.

Start with a task that has little resistance, like a topic that you enjoy or something easy and then try more difficult tasks once that barrier of getting started is broken.

The app Forest helped me because I knew that once I started a study session there is no backing down, which helps you get over that initial hesitation to start.

Watching other people's study vlogs/advice videos can be super motivating, just make sure to watch out for unhealthy habits (pulling all-nighters, not getting enough sleep, grinding, etc.) that you don’t want to adopt.  Recommendations: Jing, Ruby Granger, UnJaded Jade

What about when you really don't want to work anymore? When you’ve lost the will to even try? This usually happens when you’re burnt out or you don’t feel like online school is even real (the due dates don’t seem urgent, the grades on your screen don’t mean anything to you anymore, etc.).

Don't forget what motivated you or kept you focused before or in other terms. Reflect on what you've been doing different recently that has led you to feel this way, and set yourself new goals to try to return to (or start) good habits. 

You’re most likely lacking internal motivation when everything but school just seems way more interesting. Remind yourself why you’re doing this in the first place. One giant motivator for me this past term was just pure curiosity and the want to learn. I kept reminding myself about how privileged I was to learn in the comfort of my own home and at my own pace.

Burnout could possibly due to not enough breaks, making you feel trapped doing work. Making time for things that I enjoy doing like cooking, getting outside, or exercising always helped boost my motivation to get back to work. Check out my previous post on the importance on taking breaks to see how to implement more breaks into your routine.

Hopefully you found one of my tips or back-to-school posts helpful, feel free to ask me questions anytime or just message me if you need motivation!

[wisteria-lodge]

exploded bird primary (lion system → burnt badger system) + lion secondary (bird model)

Hello, you have a really interesting blog! It’s fascinating to read the process of you sorting someone. I was wondering if you could help me find my sorting.

I don’t know my primary OR my secondary. They might be burnt, but I think this is mostly a result of me overthinking and being shite with self-analysis. Which is a horrible combination.

I’ve found my best work is usually the result of me taking what someone else has done, ripping it apart, adding or removing parts as needed (usually all of them) and then making a cohesive Thing out of it. It’s how I’ve made projects, stories, art, etc.

What an interesting thing to say. Wanting something to start with something which you can then respond to is making me think Improvisational secondary. Snake or Lion?

The process of picking apart someone’s work/advice gives me an idea of what I want to make. Which is why I usually end up doing my work at the last minute, by begging everyone else for their work.

Oooh we’re leveraging the community. So a social secondary like Snake is still very possible, especially with that description of pulling something together last minute using pieces. Very improvisational. But I’m wondering if there’s going to be any Badger in your sorting. Maybe as a primary.

It’s also how I treat advice and suggestion (which annoys my sister a lot, heh). I listen to someone’s suggestions on how to act or react to some problem, and then decide what I want to do. It’s like I need a base to completely disregard. A signpost which tells me, ‘Going left looks like a decent idea’ so that I can decide for myself to go whether to go right or centre. The metaphor is somewhat nonsensical but it’s the best I’ve right now.

So I could read this as just being contrary (rebelling to rebel), or maybe being in a situation where you need to utilize negative indicators. It could be a way to bootstrap a Lion primary - get some outside advice, then see if you emotionally respond positively or negatively. But the fact that you depend so much on your community when deciding what to do makes me think an external primary - Badger or Bird.

Making a plan makes me feel secure, because ‘Finally! A direction to move in.’ However, I’ve never been able to follow any of the plans I have. I usually end up just doing stuff at the last minute when I can’t worry about other things. You know, when my head is too full with an overwhelming sense of ‘I have to do this right now!’ to get distracted. The plan’s just to get me started.

Oh this is executive dysfunction stuff. And not to armchair diagnose, which is super not ethical… but a LOT of neurodivergent people write into me, and a LOT of them have helpful bird secondary models that function as toys/coping techniques.

My go-to method for solving people-problems is to think of the things I want to get across, psyche myself up for the confrontation and just barge on with it. Just, do it. Yeet myself into the tense and undesirable situation and we’ll see what happens. It’s the only good method. The other two are ‘pretend this problem doesn’t exist’ and ‘ignore that person/those people forever’.

Super DUPER Lion secondary. There are two choices 1) Charge at the problem, see what happens 2) Do nothing.

It’s easy for me to fake my investment in things. I got into the Environment Club recently, and in the application form I remember writing about oil spills in a way that made it seem as though it was an issue I’ve been passionate about for a long time. It had only come to my attention when ‘Ocean on Fire in Mexican Waters’ became a headline. I was very proud of that one. While I won’t fake an opinion, I can and will control how passionate I appear about a thing. I am rather proud of this.

Still Lion. That is how Lions face-change - they can raise or lower their intensity.

Secondaries are easy to understand for me. The idea that there is a way of doing things that comes naturally to me is fairly plausible. Primaries on the other hand….they are murky as fuck for me. I always end up getting in tangles over it.

On one hand, it’s natural for a person to prioritise their loved ones and the issues that affect their people over other issues. On the other hand, this is the sort of mindset that stops us from caring about issues beyond our tiny sphere. The sort of things that makes us indifferent towards the suffering of those who are not a part of your group or one of your people. What is the correct mode of action here?

The way this is phrased, and even the way it’s framed as a search for the “correct” answer is already very Bird. I’m going to keep on using Sartre’s Loyalist vs Idealist example because it’s such a good one, but philosophers and moralists have been debating “objectively correct” morality for… a long time now.

Obviously, we can’t spend all our time caring about causes that don’t affect us. Not only will it make us laughing-stock it is also a foolish idea. A person’s priority, in my opinion, ought to be bettering their life and helping alleviate the problems that plague them and the people around them. Of course, it is every person’s right to choose what to care about, and to find what works for them, but in my opinion starting with what’s around will show maximum results and well, it just feels more right.

I think we have a Bird primary with a Badger-flavored system.

When I have to make an opinion, I first try to see if it’s something I can avoid. Seriously, having an opinion is so difficult. Socialising is easier than forming an opinion.

Oh ouch. I think it’s very possible that your bird might be a little bit… burnt. Or exploded. Specifically the frozen Chidi-style Exploded Bird, because how can you do *anything* if you don’t know *for sure* it’s objectively right.

I don’t have to make many moral decisions in my daily life, most of us don’t. I try to avoid passing judgements on topics I don’t know about or ones that appear too morally grey.

Primaries aren’t just about moral decisions. They’re also about things that you, you know. Want. The things that get you out of bed in the morning.

As a kid, I used to make snap judgments all the time and incessantly defend them in the face of opposition, but now it just feels foolhardy to do.

That’s definitely your stubborn Lion secondary combining with an Idealist primary. Immature Glory Hound Lion or Black-and-White Bird.

Not to mention having to change my opinion after realising that I made a mistake (which happens often) is really fucking embarrassing, even if it’s something I’m doing in private.

I mean, no one LIKES being wrong. But the choice of the word “embarrassing” is skewing me more Bird. I’d expect a Lion to say something like making a mistake is “miserable” or “stressful” or “disorientating.”

And not changing my opinion when confronted with new information makes me feel pathetic.

Yeah. Bird.

 There’s also the reality of ever pervasive fake news and showing + wording things in a light favourable to the people funding the news. I have zero trust in any of the media outlets I have around me (paranoia ftw!).

We have an Exploded Bird. No wonder you don’t like having opinions on things. You’ve cut off your ability to take in new information.

The same goes for what other people tell me, including my family. While I want to believe them (my family), they’re dead wrong about something I believe in with all my heart. So, what’s to say that they couldn’t be wrong about other things too?

Nobody can be right all the time. It sucks.

I love my family, and I’ll love them even if they disown me once I come out (I’m bisexual and they’re queerphobic).

I think it must be really, really brutal to have a loud lion secondary and also have to stay in the closet for an extended period of time.

As long as their mistreatment will be limited to throwing me out of the family, I won’t stop caring about them. They’re my family. They would have to become pretty terrible people for me to cut off ties with them.

So you’ve basically given me a set-up where you don’t feel able to have an opinion on anything, apart from a sort of generalized Badger worldview, and then you hit me with something as intensely loyalist as this? Is there a really Burnt Badger (or even really burnt Snake) underneath the Bird? Or is this a Loyalist talking point/model that you’ve picked up somewhere? Or is your Badger system just like, super intense? (also, is it just me, but have you kicked yourself out of your own system?)

This attitude was the one I used to have with my friends. Until I realised that friendship doesn’t work out for me for some reason. I’m simply grateful for company now. I only show people the degree of care that I feel they will reciprocate. I don’t want to be taken advantage of by people whom I choose to become close to.

This is sounding intensely Burnt Badger? Like you want a community, but communities don’t feel safe.

A lot of Shonen anime at an impressionable age has left me with high standards for friendships.

… or maybe you’ve got Prince Charming Syndrome, only with friendships.

If one of my family did or said something that I disagreed with and which granted them public condemnation, would I stand by them or condemn them? I would do both. I wouldn’t pretend to agree with what they said (doing that would make me feel horrible) but I would stand by them.

Lion secondary. Some kind of Loyalist *something* primary.

I will never lie about my opinions. I don’t care what punishment I get. I’ll either make it really obvious that I don’t agree with the majority opinion, make myself scarce or just outright argue about it.

… because you’re a Lion secondary.

I can’t lie without feeling guilty. It’s a hassle really, but what can one do? I’ve settled on becoming more authentic and truthful. I don’t want to hurt people with my actions or words. Apparently, I need to show my anger (per my therapist) but how can I do that without crossing any lines? Without making people feel bad?

You’ve probably heard this from your therapist, but sometimes people are just going to find you unpleasant. It’s inevitable, and it’s ultimately not that big of a deal. In the end, everybody is responsible for their *own* emotional well-being.

What if I was wrong for no reason?

… and there’s that exploded Bird primary coming back.

If something has hurt me, I do my level best to never do it to other people. Basically, ‘not hurting others’ is a pretty big rule in my book. It’s one I’ll bend sometimes, but not without reason. After all, a rule that doesn’t have exceptions is either something really obvious (‘no murder’) or something incredibly vague (‘always do good things’).

bird bird bird bird bird

As a kid, I was really power/fame-hungry. Now, I just want to feel secure, without second-guessing myself and my actions. Massive priority shift. Kid me didn’t really think about stuff beyond wanting to be the most powerful person on Earth. I wish I could go back to that.

… do you really though? :) But it is interesting that young you sounds so much like a Glory Hound Lion. I wonder if your Badger-flavored system used to be a lot more Lion-flavored, or if this is maybe a side effect of having a really loud Lion secondary.

I wish I could do things that have a tangible effect on the state of affairs. I wish I could hand-wave the world’s problems away. I wish, at the very least, I had a book telling me what to do, and I how to do it.

THE BOOK FANTASY. You are like the fifth person who has written in with “I wish I had a book that told me what to do.” It’s always in exactly those words too. This seems to be a VERY common Bird primary fantasy.

Although on second thought, I would probably read the book and cherry-pick advice that makes sense to me. And that’s if I even believed the book in the first-place.

… and then the Exploded element of your Bird kicks in.

……..So, I suppose that’s about it. It feels like it’s all over the place, and at more than one place I’ve tmi’d while at the same time not giving enough information. Sigh. I hope though, that it’s enough to sort me with. I would be grateful if you would do so. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hmmm. Well, your secondary is pretty straightforward. Lion, with a Bird model. And at the moment your Lion is pretty stressed out, because you’re in an environment where you do not feel able to be truthful and authentic. Primary is harder. Bird for sure, and I think you had a Lion-looking system when you were younger, which you sort of miss. Because at the moment… you’ve put together like a *Burnt Badger* system? Like, community is the ultimate good, but also impossible for you, personally? Trusting the community is impossible, to the degree that even trusting any *information* that gets to you is also impossible? Sorry friend. That sounds brutal. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, and I hope you find a better community soon.

[concerningwolves]

Hey I'm doing a short story for class about an autistic girl who discovers she have telekinesis and I want to knows how to portray her properly and how beint autustic affect her powets with makint autism sounds baf

Hi anon! I’m very sorry if I’m answering this too late for you; I barely had time to even look at my inbox in October and November, and then when I got time to do so this month, I got overwhelmed by the backlog. Nonetheless, I’ll answer this and hope that even if it’s too late for your original purpose, something in it will help you (/help anyone else who reads this) :]

AUTISM, SUPERPOWERS & FAIR REPRESENTATION

Okay, so, the basic answer to “how not to make autism sound bad” is approach the story with compassion and/or empathy – but that’s a very broad answer and probably not overly helpful for specifics. I’ll start with the “how to represent autism well” part and then break down the superpower-specific stuff from there.

1) Autism should be an integral part of your characters’ personhood, but not their entire personality

As an autistic, I struggle to define where my autism ends and my personhood (i.e., my sense of the “self”) begins, because they’re so deeply entwined with one another.  Autism is a condition that alters how I think and interact with the world, and therefore profoundly impacts how I perceive both myself and the things around me. That doesn’t mean, however, that my only personality trait is autism. It all gets very convoluted and existential – would I still be ‘me’ if you removed autism? What is ‘me’? Is it even fair to think of autism as a separate Thing? – but it is worth considering if you want to get inside your autistic character’s head.

A trap that allistic creators tend to fall into is “this character likes [X] / does [X] because they are autistic”. For example, I once saw someone say that their OC likes blue because it’s a calming colour and therefore sensory-safe. This is a valid process on its own: I also like pale blue (+ other pastel shades) because it’s a sensory-safe colour! But where many allistics fall down is in not considering that an autistic character’s likes, dislikes and hobbies don’t have to relate to their autism.

Although the show has its flaws, I do think that Sam Gardener from Netflix’s Atypical is a positive example of an autistic character just liking something because they like it. His special interest is all to do with penguins and antartic wildlife/explorations, and he also enjoys art as a hobby because... he just does. That’s not to say these things don’t intersect – he takes a scientific illustration class in college precisely because it combines two things he likes; it’s also fair to say that autism gives him an edge in drawing because autism brain is excellent at grasping theory/technicalities. But ultimately it’s nice to have an autistic character whose interests and personality traits go beyond the stereotypical special interest.

For more on representing autistic characters, check out [this post] where I go into a bit more depth. (NOTE: that post is on my list of things that I want to revise/rewrite/flesh out, so it might change soon, but the basic stuff is still the same).

2) Autism isn’t inherently “bad” – but that doesn’t mean it’s without issues, either

Autism is not the devastating tragedy that neurotypicals like to present, but it does come with its own difficulties and pitfalls that you should acknowledge if you want to write a well-rounded autistic character. There’s often discourse/debates on my dash about whether it’s fair to call autism a disability. I’d say it is – there are definitely aspects of autism that are disabling, i.e., sensory overload, burnout, trouble communicating, etc. – but it isn’t a disability in the way that allistics/abled people think.  

Some aspects of autism are “double edged”, in that they have useful and troublesome sides. Speaking for myself, hyper-empathy means that I’m good at grasping why emotions Do The Thing, which is incredibly useful in filling in gaps in my social sense! But. It also means that I struggle to draw a line between my own emotions and someone else’s, and am simply awful at creating healthy emotional boundaries. As the writer, you create good representation by showing both sides. Let your character have meltdowns! Let them have trouble in social situations! Let them get burnt out or overwhelmed! But also make sure to show that this doesn’t make them inherently burdensome to other characters, and explore the good/neutral aspects of autism, too.

3) So, how would all of this impact superpowers?

A lot of that depends on your world’s magic/superpower system. Some things to consider are:

Does your character need to be concentrating?

Do emotions influence how controlled the power is?

Does the power take a physical or mental toll on the user?

etc.

These are laws you ought to think about as part of worldbuilding, regardless of a characters’ neurotype or ability, but I do believe that autism will have an impact on how a character interacts with their powers. For example, many autistic people have difficulty with fine motor skills and spatial awareness, either as part of autism or due to a co-existing condition [1]. This could theoretically cause trouble if a character needs to gauge personal space/use spatial perception when using telekinesis to direct objects. Where emotions effect a power, emotional dysregulation or rejection sensitive dysphoria could also come into play by disrupting a characters’ concentration or control. 

Make sure to show your character working with or around these sorts of issues, and keep a balance between the pros and cons. If sensory input throws off her concentration, what are ways she can get around that? Earplugs for noise, dark glasses for light sensitivity, seamless clothes, headphones... etc etc. On the more negative side, I can only imagine the chaos I might cause during a meltdown if I had telekinesis: objects flying everywhere, lightbulbs bursting, general pandemonium. That said, telekinesis would be great if I could levitate myself and just hang there without any sensory input. Also useful if I needed to get stuff and didn’t have the energy to move because of burnout, or if I could use telekinesis to “weigh down” a blanket on top of me during meltdowns. There are some really fun possibilities here! 

Another way to avoid showing autism as a burden/something bad is to give your character a support network and/or accommodations in the story. Have your character find ways to work around issues just like a neurotypical person would, yes, but also have other characters be understanding and ready to help. Thriving support systems are just as important as the autistic character themself.

Basically, address the fact that some aspects of autism are difficult to cope with/require aid but don't overtly focus on that, you know? Your character can get upset, frustrated, or be resigned. She can beat herself up! All autistic people live with this feeling of "not good enough". But show her overcoming this, show her with a good support system, and show her being a person as complex and developed as any other character.

FOOTNOTE(S)

[1] general practise in diagnostic circles is to avoid diagnosing with things like dyspraxia if another developmental disorder is present (i.e., autism), but we’re still learning about what the big ice-cream bar of autism actually covers. What traits an autistic person has can vary hugely from one person to another.

[kingofthewilderwest]

I feel like one reason THW didn’t do much for me was that the stakes didn’t do something different or greater than before - at least, not at a tangible level, a concrete level.

Technically there were stakes in THW: the tribe left Berk, Hiccup had Toothless taken from him, generals were waiting to wage war on the world, and Toothless as alpha let the dragons of Berk be captured.

But here’s the thing: none of that was new. All of that had been done before in one if not two movies.

And it was done to greater impact before.

Just to take HTTYD 2. The stakes felt greater in HTTYD 2. To me, there was a lot more sense of realism, consequence, and impact to the events that happened to Hiccup here. Valka’s Bewilderbeast was killed, a loss that cannot be reversed. Hiccup also lost his father directly through Toothless. Watching Drago ride on Toothless’ back has an unnatural sense of horror to it, as Drago rides off with all the dragons now under his control. And when Berk’s home was threatened, it had more sense of reality.

I know Grimmel entered Hiccup’s house (a juicy piece of villainy I adore) and burnt down many of the homes, but even then... the raid didn’t feel as “personal” because of the Hairy Hooligans’ response. The tribe’s meeting in the Great Hall felt similar in tone to the meetings Stoick had in the war room - yet another attack that destroyed their buildings but not their spirits. Berk’s been on fire HOW many times from dragon raids? The Hooligans’ protests at leaving their homes were muted (I could and hopefully will later write a separate analysis on my issue with the Berkians’ characterization in THW), they shrugged into Hiccup’s idea fairly quickly, and the exodus was shown in such a lighthearted tone... that it didn’t feel like a moment of gravity. What should have been a high stakes moment wasn’t depicted as such. Instead, we laughed as the Light Fury knocked Hiccup off Toothless’ back. Instead, we listened to upbeat music as the Berkians used a whimsical method of carting their belongings with them on an adventuresome journey. Instead, we watched the Berkians remain upbeat as they found a new place to live, shrugging Hiccup off as chief, and treating the situation as a positive experience.

The stakes didn’t feel solid enough to sell me on the villagers’ plight - be it here, or later in the movie when Grimmel and the warlord swooped in again. The climax didn’t have as much sense of stakes because there were fewer tangible elements of consequence. We saw the dragons taken away and in cages (something we’ve seen before, including the start of this movie), but the Hairy Hooligans were otherwise largely unimpacted. We saw a force led by generals... who didn’t appear to be doing any damage to the world around them, and weren’t doing any damage to the tribe of displaced Berkians now. The dangerous consequences hadn’t been built up enough prior to the climax, and the climax wasn’t enough to make the threat vibrant. 

But in HTTYD 2, when Berk was under threat, it felt under threat. 

Hiccup and his companions have already lost a major battle (almost ten minutes long on screen!!!) against Drago with severe consequences, consequences that are given time on screen. We have a full scene of Hiccup sobbing over his father’s death, and another full scene of Stoick’s funeral. We are still reeling from what Drago’s done against our heroes.

But Drago’s not pausing for our heroes to pick themselves up. He’s moving to Berk. And back on Berk, the village’s dragons, in a creepy daze, fly away from their owners, and into the masses of Drago’s deadly forces. 

I want to reiterate AGAIN these are deadly forces which we have seen in action. Unlike the just-for-plot generals of THW, we actually KNOW what Drago’s armada can accomplish; they can overwhelm Valka’s dragon sanctuary, defeat our protagonists, even lead to the casualties of key leaders. Seeing this legitimately deadly force - with all of Berk’s dragons used against them! - hovering over the dark skies... that’s threatening stuff.

Furthermore. We’ve never seen an enormous fucking mountain-sized dragon stand on the shores of Berk. The dragon dwarfs the entire village, and presents a scene of horror and destruction that we haven’t seen the likes of before. We’ve seen Berk go through fires. We’ve seen Berk lose buildings. We haven’t seen Berk’s buildings stabbed to shreds by giant pillars of ice. This isn’t the Berk we know. This is a village in chaos. The villagers are terrified, they’re shocked at their leader’s death, they have no dragons to defend them, and there’s no way that even these bold souls can stand their ground against a massive mountainesque ice spitter. They had difficulties before with the Red Death, and now, an even greater Bewilderbeast is destroying their one place of safety, the place that had finally become a peaceful paradise for dragons.

Then that dramatic color keying? It’s ominous and sets the tone. 

To see Hiccup’s tiny group of companions move toward Drago, and see Berk in such disarray? That’s a sense of stakes.

It did a good job amplifying the stakes beyond the first HTTYD. The stakes of the first HTTYD are extremely exciting, and in many ways similar to HTTYD 2, but HTTYD 2 does a good job of refreshing what we’re seeing. In the first movie, the villagers were also in danger from a monstrous dragon, but they were on different shores, where their home wasn’t threatened. There wasn’t a human antagonistic element, a war leader out to conquer them. Toothless was taken from Hiccup, but it was by Hiccup’s father, not a power-hungry villain who hoped to demolish Hiccup’s people. In the first movie, we have two friends uniting, rather than finding a way to rebuild a destruction of trust, a rift.

THW didn’t give us a new level of shock and stakes beyond HTTYD 2. We saw things we’ve seen before - warlords, Toothless taken, Berk’s dragons taken, etc. - but not in an amplified or revamped enough form to feel like a great shock to viewers. It didn’t build up before enough, and it wasn’t built up enough during the climax... to feel deep tension.

And it’s part of why Hiccup deciding that Toothless should leave his side feels surreal and ungrounded. We’ve literally seen greater powers than this, and Hiccup’s response was, “We are the voice of peace, and bit by bit, we will change this world.”

If THW wanted the ending they gave us, they needed higher stakes, different stakes, revamped stakes. (Other things, too, but this included.) I know I’m not the only one who asked myself at first, “Wait, is this the climax?” when I got to it at THW. It’s because it didn’t build enough to something great enough to merit the end. HTTYD 2 did everything THW did, but better. HTTYD did basically what THW did, but better. Before you go out with a bang and change the entire status quo of the dragon world - taking dragons away from us - you have to give us a sense of stakes to match.

[-catelynstark]

No Lies

Pairing: Podrick Payne x gender neutral reader   I   Word Count: 2,117   I   Warnings: None  I  Summary: The reader has feelings for Podrick which hasn’t gone unnoticed by Tyrion. He talks them into confessing all to Podrick when they can no longer take the long nights and the jealousy that comes with them.

There were few who you found you could be confident around, Podrick was one of them. He was always kind, he never judged and like you he could be a little clumsy. 

But there was something else in him, something that was starting to make you feel a little nervous. You’d heard the stories about him and the whores back in King’s Landing and heard so many jokes about how good he was in bed. It got you to wondering and then that’s when you noticed it, just how hard you’d fallen for Podrick Payne. 

When he disappeared with two giggling girls from the hall, you couldn’t help the stab of jealously you felt.

“You know,” Tyrion said as he sat beside you and started to fill your cup, “If your feelings are that strong, you really should just tell him.”

You felt your cheeks turn crimson and quickly downed some wine in an attempt to cover up your shame.

“It isn’t like that,” you muttered.

“Oh isn’t it? I could have sworn I saw your hand rest upon your thigh and teeth bite your lower lip as he disappeared with those girls, but what do I know,” Tyrion teased.

You felt tears well up in your eyes, Tyrion was observant but he was also wise and a good friend.

Your fist landed on the table, “Fine. Okay I admit it, I have feelings for him okay?” You cringed at your own use of the word feelings.

Tyrion smirked, “Well you know, there’s no time like the present.”

You felt yourself shrink into your chair, “A little late for that now don’t you think?” 

You closed your eyes as you tried to fight back the tears, your feelings for Podrick had grown rapidly since you first met him like wildflowers after a dry period in hot summer sun. Every time you thought of broaching the subject with him you changed your mind, it was as if you were about to stand up and ask to speak to him alone and then something would happen. Brienne would want to train with him, he would be approached by girls and disappear to bed etc.

Only this was a lie you told yourself, the truth was that this made you feel better. The fact that you told yourself you were going to do something about it and it wasn’t that you were a coward or backed out of it. No, something always got in the way. These were the lies you almost convinced yourself of. Truth was that every time you thought of approaching him, you would wait until it was too late, then curse under your breath and tell yourself next time. 

“You know,” Tyrion continued as he swirled his wine, “Time waits for no one.”

You nodded, “I know…well nothing I can do about it tonight, but tomorrow, tomorrow I will tell him.”

Tyrion placed a hand on yours and squeezed, “Y/N Make sure that you do.”

His voice was full of regret then, Tyrion you knew spoke from experience. His eyes were kind yet full of warning so you nodded and thanked him, this time would be the last time you debated saying something and then didn’t. 

The following morning you woke slowly as sunlight creeped across your blankets and finally casting it’s warmth on your face. It was then that you realised your mistake, too often you would wait until you saw Podrick and then make your excuses for not telling him the truth. So that morning you decided to change that and seek him out in the early hours of the day. 

At breakfast time you saw him, there was an overwhelming urge to rush over to him but you didn’t wish to seem over enthusiastic. Besides, Podrick looked tired…oh of course he looked tired… You remembered the night before, the woman, no women, who dragged him so eagerly off to bed. 

You pushed your food around your plate, yet your gaze barely left his direction. Tyrion’s hand on your shoulder was what brought you back to the present.

“Morning,” you offered a sad smile to him. 

“I meant what I said last night, there’s no use you putting yourself through this day after day you know.”

You gulped and bit your lower lip, “I know,” but your answer was barely audible, it didn’t have to be for Tyrion to know what you were thinking. 

When breakfast was finished you saw Podrick get up to leave, likely to find Brienne, this was it you had to say something now before it was too late. You ran after him, perhaps a little too keenly, nearly knocking several people out of the way as you went. 

“Podrick!” You called after him.

He stopped and turned round to face you, you’d been running so fast that you practically skidded to a halt and nearly crashed into him. 

“Morning,” Podrick smiled, no beamed at you, his smile was always so welcoming, genuine and yet that shy boy was still a part of him. 

“Podrick,” you repeated. You wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder but thought better of it, “I was wondering, could we take a walk…I need to talk to you about something.”

Podrick seemed concerned then, his expression froze but only for a moment before he nodded, “Of…of course,” he went to take your arm in his and the two of you walked out into the fresh morning air. 

For a moment you walked in silence, enjoying the sound of birdsong which you could make out just over the sound of men preparing for battle. 

Impossible, that was the best word to describe your situation. For Tyrion it seemed anything was easy, was simple, girls for one reason or another loved him. Though you guessed for him to admit feelings to another might be a slightly different situation.

In the end it was Podrick who prompted you to speak, his expression as always was so warm, even if he didn’t feel the same way as you, you were sure he would put your mind at ease.

Looking up at the branches of the trees you sighed, there had been so many times when you’d wished for a simpler life. The birds that nested there had no such worries. Podrick’s arm was on your shoulder now, making you look at him, in his eyes there was no escape from the truth.

“Pod….I,” it was rare you called him Pod, only in moments of rare tenderness did you allow that name to slip between your lips.

He smiled, his thumb rubbing small circles on your shoulder, “I have to tell you something,” you straightened up your back, felt your feet firmed on the ground.

Podrick didn’t say anything, he waited patiently for you to continue, “I’ve been meaning to tell you this for some time. Part of me hoped it would be obvious so I wouldn’t have to say anything but that hasn’t happened and I can’t go on like this, lying to myself…lying to you.”

“L-lying? What, what about?” Podrick didn’t sound angry, more confused, clearly he had no idea what you were talking about.

“You…I, I see you every day, I watch you and see you laugh and smile and it makes me smile. When I’m around you I feel complete, my heart is lighter for you.”

You gulped and took a step closer to Podrick, your right hand reaching up to his face slowly, weary in case he pulled away. But when he remained still you cupped his cheek and looked into his eyes, now you had started to tell him how you really felt, it was difficult to stop.

“I…sometimes it’s difficult to be round you, it’s difficult when you’re slightly drunk and women…they flock to you.” You found yourself stroking his cheek now, “I’ve heard the stories…all the women want to sleep with you because of them.”

You could feel Podrick’s cheek flush under the heat of your palm, your own skin burning as bright as you cast your eyes to the ground for a moment.

“It’s really n-not like…” he stuttered.

You fell silent for a moment, his reaction so far was better than you had hoped for, he hadn’t tried to change the subject or back away from you, that was enough for you to keep trying.

“Podrick, when I see you disappear with them, I’m jealous okay?” You looked back up at him, “And I know that’s a terrible thing to be, that jealousy is ugly… but I can’t help it, the way that I feel about you it clouds all judgement and I cannot deny the fact that I….love you.”

Love. That perhaps was too strong a word in hindsight, only it was the truth and you’d promised him that much, so it had to be the whole truth.

“I love you,” you repeated, tears blurring your vision a little as they clouded your eyes. Your other hand clasped on his shoulder for support, “I love you and I had to tell you,” you looked at the ground still holding onto him tightly. Afraid to search his face for an answer.

Podrick didn’t respond for a moment, his eyes just staring into yours, face still kind despite the lack of words. And then he stepped back and laughed.

Laughter? That was not what you had been expecting and the shame that now burnt on your cheeks showed this.

Although he was laughing, his hands hadn’t left you, though now they had travelled from your shoulder and were lightly gripping your lower arms. His cheeks too were burning and the laughter that omitted from him didn’t sound like cruelness, rather embarrassment and confusion.

“You’re….” that was all he managed to get out before looking at the floor, his feet shuffling as he did so.

“I’m in love with you Podrick” you took a deep breath, “But it’s okay if you don’t feel the same, you don’t have to say it back…it’s okay. I just, I just couldn’t watch you any longer and not say anything it was killing me,” you confessed as you started to cry, unable to hold the tears back any longer.

“Hey, hey,” Podrick said as he stepped forward again and wrapped his arms around you pulling you into a tight embrace, “P-p-please don’t cry, not on account, on account of…on account,” he was struggling to get his words out you could tell. “N-not on account of of me.” He finally finished. 

You looked back up at him, the warmth on his face made you feel so safe, though his cheeks were still burning he was smiling, “I’m not so g-g-good with words so…” he didn’t say anymore instead he placed his hands on either side of your face. His palms were trembling but warm, slightly sweaty and as he touched your skin you felt a shiver run down your spine due to the contact. 

Podrick didn’t answer with words, instead as he took hold of you, he leaned in and pressed the softest kiss against your lips. You barely felt it as it was so gentle but that moment of intimacy meant everything to you, it was something you hoped to be true. When Podrick pulled back to gauge your reaction and you stood frozen, mouth slightly open in anticipation, awaiting another kiss, he pulled you close and placed his lips on yours again. This time the kiss was deeper, though it started slow he soon kissed with passion, his hands now reached up into your hair. That was when you knew it was the truth, in that kiss there was no room for lies. 

Your arms reached round his back and hugged him tightly, never wanting to break the kiss. There would be time to talk about this later, to discuss how long he had felt like that and to find out what exactly he did to those women for yourself. 

When the two of you finally broke the kiss for longer than a beat, you stood so that your foreheads were pressed together. Podrick’s hands now slid down from your hair and onto your cheeks once again, his thumb gently stroking you in small reassuring circles. 

“Y-y-your words…there’s no lies?” he asked trembling. 

“No lies,” you confirmed, finding it difficult now to contain your elation. 

Podrick let out a relieved sigh and chuckled lowly. You could feel his breath on your face as he did so, warm and inviting so much so that you found yourself kissing him once again.

[im-cre8tive-blog]

Interviews

DVC Student: Jojo

What does design mean to you?

Design is everything to me.

What do you believe in as a designer?

I believe in design that makes sense and is as communitive as a language.

What are your goals?

I want to do everything I possibly can while I’m on this earth. My current short-term goals are moving to NYC after graduation and hoping for the best in my post-grad career. I also will be (hopefully) attending NYU for my MA in Visual Arts Administration. I eventually want to design with fashion brands and working in ad agencies to prevent racially tone-deaf campaigns and create REAL diversity and inclusion in the design world.

What is your mission as a designer?

Refer to question 3 lolll

How will you benefit most in this program?

Not sure I benefited from this program design wise. It has definitely helped me realize that I have an obligation to design with intent and push buttons people really don’t like being pushed. This program has made me realize that liberal designers are to be side eyed at all times.

What do you wish you had known before going into the DVC program?

Nothing worth mentioning.

Are there resources you feel are important to be exposed to as a design student? If so, what are they?

Many resources like Microagressions 101, Intro to How to Be a Designer and Take Criticisms. But in all seriousness, these students need to take diversity classes.

How do you think your professors can help you become a stronger designer in the program?

Lisa Moline and Adream Blair were the only instructors that had a bit of value to me. They were understanding, helped me outside of design classes and encouraged me to be the best I could be.

What are your hopes, dreams, and fears when it comes to being a DVC student at UWM?

N/A

Is there anything you need, want, or wish to be successful in the design program?

N/A

What do you stand for?

Racial and Gender equality for black and brown men, women, and the LGBTQIA.

Why does it matter?

Because it’s important.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DVC Student: Farouk

Design to me is a form of expression that’s contained and more on the professional side

I believe as a designer I should be able to create and manipulate simple ideas and make them better than they already were

my goals are to be successful in life and to change peoples lives w whatever I create with my art.

my mission as a designer (I don’t really know, I haven’t really thought about it)

I will benefit most in this program because I will be learning things I don’t know about and how to better shape myself as a designer

I wish I had known about the flexibility of the classes I can take because I just have a certain amount of classes in my head that I am meant to take

resources include the adobe creative cloud (I don’t really understand this question)

my professors can be better listeners and really understand where I am coming from as an artist because I am not too familiar with what the norms of being a designer might be

a fear would be being too expressive and being overwhelmed with my ideas as a designer because I like to think and I like to be as expressive as I can be and I feel like designers sometimes can be restrictive and too simple

my hopes are to be able to be as expressive as I want to be while also being a designer so I can do me and also do design

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DVC Graduate: Danielle Dupey

How has the program helped you out post graduation?

Going through any branding process from beginning to end, and how each part is equally important and shouldn’t be overlooked. Thinking outside the box is a huge aspect; you don’t have to be new, you just have to be different. Obviously, I wouldn’t be nearly as versed in the Adobe Suite if it weren’t for my fantastic teachers/mentors. Between learning Photoshop and Javascript, the DVC program has helped me grow my passion for design tremendously.

What's the biggest you have learned in dvc?

Design can be simple, but meaningful. How it makes people feel is one of the more important facets of design. Design impacts everyday life more than we know, and effects almost everyone.

How is the professional world different from the classroom?

Sometimes I found myself feeling crushed for time with projects in class, but that was nothing compared to a professional environment. In my experience, clients/employers want things done yesterday, everyday. There are obviously many different scenarios, but I’ve come to learn that starting with fewer design variations then choosing one direction and perfecting it has been the most consistent and successful design pathway. Also, thick skin is a must. Learn to accept and understand constructive criticism in school, because in a professional environment people will tear apart your designs without the slightest thought of the person making them. Try not to take it personally, but always have reasons to back up your case. Sometimes a little convincing is all it takes. One last thing - make connections and network. This is my biggest regret about college - the more people you know the more resources and ties you have to fantastic opportunities. You might not think someone working at a logistics company would be a good connection, but maybe they just met up with a friend from high school who is now a Creative Director looking for a new intern.

What do you do when you get stuck on a design?

I take a break, and walk away for awhile. Sometimes I'm going in circles or stuck in a box and I don’t even know it, but after some time away from the design thinking about other things I can come back with some clarity.

How do you stay creative?

Design prompts are always fun https://sharpen.design/ Otherwise perusing other designers and projects on sites like Pinterest, Dribbble, Moat.com, Logoinspirations.co, etc.

How do you stay inspired?

I’ll be honest it’s a little difficult at times; I’ll get burnt out from designing and will need a little break. After awhile, I’ll start noticing everyday things that I’ll want to change up and redesign. I always try to have a desire to make existing things better, and how that influences things I create in the future.

How do you develop your style?

Try everything out! The more mediums you practice or try out, the more you learn if you like to do those things. And if not, you can check them off your list. Some people find their niche easily or right away, and some it takes awhile. Personally, I’m still trying to find my personal style. But through trying things out, lots of practice, and a strong focus on one idea I’m getting closer to my niche.

What made you get into design?

I’ve always loved art, since I was a kid. I would always be drawing and painting, so I knew I wanted to do something with it for a career. Attending UWM gave me so many options to choose from in the art department, and even though first year classes seemed redundant, each one was a core

What are your goals?

I’d like to be the Lead Designer at a fast growing and fun company in the world of recreation, retail, or entertainment.

How do you feel about the way others will view your work?

Honestly I wonder about that all the time. You want people to love your work, and you want to be the best. But I consciously remember to try and not working

Tell me about your most favorite design moment?

I was working on a project in Experimental Typography, and our project was an interactive installation of bubble wrap typography on the streets of Milwaukee. Seeing people interact with our designs was incredible, knowing that we positively impacted their day even for just a moment felt great.

How have you been able to manage workload?

Setting a time to work on something, and when that time is up move on. If you’re on a roll that’s fine, but working on one thing forever can get you bogged down and forget about other things. If you can chip away at multiple things throughout the day by assigning them a certain time amount and in the order they need to be done then your workload will seem more manageable.

Any other advice you would give to a DVC student?

Always always always always back up your work. Invest in a hard drive and back up weekly or every other week. Ramen is great but don’t underestimate the power of a great meal, and a decent night’s sleep. It’s not “cool” to be a starving artist (literally) with no sleep. Your personal and mental health are worth more than your final projects.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Proffesional: Sav

What should we keep in mind with working with clients?

Your time is worth money regardless of how Mandane of a task or seems to be

How. Do you keep your professionalism up?

Fake it till you make it, it’s all about the little things like business cards, a business email. But mostly it’s carrying yourself like a professional would.

How do you brand yourself?

Find the thing that is the most you, for me it’s drugstorebuddhist as a brand name, and stick to it. Also the things that you do in your services are branding too, you want your brand to be associated with good service and excellent work!

What are the 3 most important thing a designer should know?

Not every thing you do as a designer is going to make you as an artist happy, sometimes the client wants something really simple and you just go with it.

The clients are always going to want to tweak the design to death and sometimes it hurts but it’s okay!

It’s very important to keep a personal practice for yourself just for fun where you can reach those creative goals.

How have you been able to include multi-medium work in your designs?

Products! A lot a clients only think that I can offer digital label designs or tshirts but for me having a catalog of all the things I can do as a designer and an artists helps my clients, it’s like a good menu at a restaurant they always want dessert.

What can. You say about being an entrepreneur?

It’s hard! Nobody tells you that when you run a business you’re doing the work of 6 people but it’s awesome and eventually you’ll be able to hire people if that’s your goal. But it being hard doesn’t really hurt because you’re doing what you want to be doing for your business!

How is the professional world different from the classroom?

In the classroom I feel like there is a lot of critique that’s optional and you have a lot of control, a lot of the time as a designer you show them a finished product and sometimes they need something different entirely and you have to make those changes.

What do you do when you get stuck on a design?

I look through similar projects I’ve done in the past, other designers work to be inspired and generally seeing what the industry is up to or working on a different design for a bit and circling back with fresh ideas

How do you stay creative?

KEEP YOUR OWN PRACTICE ALIVE! Even if your creative energy is not in design make sure you’re doing work for yourself!

How do you stay inspired?

Honestly the energy that the clients have when they have project ideas for you and how excited they are to work with you and see your art!

How do you develop your style?

I feel like it’s years of being an artist surrounded with others in my community and pulling from all the things that I like and making them my own.

What made you get into design?

I don’t know what happened but all the sudden people who were commissioning me decided I’d be great for logos and product labels and I fell in love with the things I could do outside of my illustration background

What are your goals?

I would love to run a store front artists collective to maintain that community that often artists desperately need to keep their practice alive

How do you feel about the way others will view your work?

Nervous as all hell, hopefully that goes away sometime but I also hope it doesn’t because it makes me want to prove myself to my peers

Tell me about your most favorite design moment?

I finished a product Commission for a clients and she loved it a lot to the point of tears for me helping her Company become Something physical that she could see outside of her head

How have you been able to manage workload?

Wake up at the same time every day even though it will kill you a little bit and keep yourself on a strict schedule even if it means having to go somewhere else just to be able to work, just because you can work at home does not mean you should

[chronicles-and-studies]

I never thought I would be “that” person; the one who spoke of mental illnesses or the one who heavily struggled with just getting out of bed...

Well, since the Fall of 2017, I have been metamorphosing into “that” person. Within the past few months, I have been on Tumblr almost every day, but my posts were few and far apart and I couldn’t even respond to the messages that had accumulated in my inbox.  I felt burnt-out and drained of all of my energy.

Before the school year began, there were a multitude of ideas and goals within my mind.  I was optimistic (somewhat overly) and I was ready to conquer everything, but that never happened, because after two weeks, everything fell apart.

I blamed myself heavily for everything, I called myself a failure, I told myself that this is what I deserved and this was the reason that I would fail at each effort I put forth.  I was convincing myself that I couldn’t do what I had set out to do and, in the process, was disappointing everyone I loved.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I had been harder on myself than I needed to be, but in the end I did realize that I didn’t need to be hard on myself at all.

I’m a junior in college, suffering from polycystic ovarian syndrome, an illness that is often taken seriously only when it involves a woman’s fertility and whether or not she can produce offspring; this hormonal disorder keeps me in bed at times, coping with intense pain that radiates throughout my body; keeping me away from mirrors because of the shame of how I look; making me self-conscious about the hyperpigmentation I have on my body and how discolored different body parts are.  When I was diagnosed with it, I spiraled out of control believing that life was truly terrible.

Fast forward past deep concerns for my mental well-being and how I was faring in my daily life, junior year brought struggles of a different kind.  It brought struggles of dealing with my failure in sophomore year and what it did to my GPA, it made me more self-conscious about my body, and it made me feel as though I was breaking down because of the simple fact that I never was a person to ask for help, it didn't matter what was at hand.  That didn't get me as far as I had hoped, and I knew the day of pretending like I was fine were over.  Much to my chagrin, I could no longer push the feelings so far down anymore, because they would only rise like a geyser a few days later.

This is all to say that, yes, I took a break from this blog, but I didn't actually take a break from Tumblr in general.  But it made me feel terrible, especially when I want to deliver new material and whenever I am consecutively posting content here, I feel much more productive because I'm usually doing the things I should have done a few days, weeks, or months ago.  My studyblr does keep me accountable, but I have no discipline.

So, the entire reason as to why I wanted to type all of this out is to not only help myself understand why I failed and how I can change it going forward, but to also help anyone who may be in the same situation as me.  I'll segway into what exactly what I was feeling and how I figured out I was intensely struggling.

Signs of Overwhelm

Feeling helpless and isolated

Feeling as though you won't benefit from any outside help

Not being able to absorb any new information

A sense of being burnt out

Feeling dread whenever you have to go to class

This is not by any means an exhaustive list, these were just some of the things that worried me when I had no idea what was going on.  I had no idea what I would do to fix myself or try to recover from how I have been feeling, but I do have a few tips on keeping yourself together until you can get to some free time.

Tips on Dealing with Failure

Identify any weaknesses or gaps in your knowledge that may have prevented you from properly learning the material

Write out everything that your mind is worrying about (read: brain dump)

Identify where you went wrong in your semester and counteract those problems with solutions

Identify any personal concerns that may have prevented you from doing your absolute best, such as your health (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, etc.) and figure out what you can do to be the best you can be

Surround yourself with people who are positive and uplifting, and eliminate negativity that isn't serving to either make you stronger or give you experience

There are way more tips available on the Internet, but these are some my most utilized methods and surefire ways for me to have been able to realize my shortcomings.

Not to say that I'm completely free of my hole.  I'm still digging myself out and trying to find whatever footing I can to work my way back up from rock bottom.  There's a long way for me to go, but I hope to use this platform more as a way for me to chronicle how far I've come and for any resources I've collected throughout my journey.

Because one day, I'll be able to look back and reflect upon my strength during the most trying times of my life, and I can take pride in how I succeeded and pushed through to the next level.

(Not my pictures; all credit to the creators of the original Sailor Moon)

[lovemesomesurveys]

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you realized something about yourself, your abilities, or your financial situation that left you feeling disappointed? Uhhh. Well, I’ve been disappointed in myself for quite some time. I don’t like the personal I’ve become these past couple years. I just feel like such a failure. I don’t like that I’ve completely surrendered to my health and just have really given up. I don’t take care of myself like I should. I self-sabotage. I sit and mope and throw pity parties and I don’t do anything to try and make things better. Some things are out of my control, but some things aren’t. Even the things that are, they could still be better managed. I have no idea at all what I want to do with my life. I just can’t seem to get it together. What scares me is that I just don’t have the energy or motivation to care and the longer this goes on, the worse things get. It has really had an effect on my health.

2. Generally, are you more likely to blame others or yourself for problems you experience? Oh, definitely myself. I’m very quick to blame myself for everything.

3. What is one thing about your life that you don’t ever see changing, even if you might wish it would? It’s hard for me to imagine a time when things won’t be how they are now. I can’t envision myself being at a point where I’m happy and doing something with my life and I have finally have it together.

4. At what point in your life have you been the most social or had the most friendships? And at which point have you been the least social? My early 20′s. I had a few friends and I actually used to have a social life and did things. Hard to believe now. Over the past couple years I’ve become a complete hermit crab. I haven’t hung out with friends in almost 2 years, which is wild. I had a friend I saw at least once a week, sometimes more back when we were in school. I had another friend I saw every couple weeks or so, too. Now to have gotten to the point where I haven’t seen them in almost 2 years... it’s crazy. It’s the same with my cousins that I used to be close with, too. I even became withdrawn and distant from them. I have no social life now. Outside of my immediate family that I live with, the only other people I see are doctors.

5. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a bunch of random acquaintances? Which would describe what you have now? I liked having my few close friends. Now I don’t have any.

6. Do you journal? Generally, what do you write about? Do you find it helpful to get your thoughts out that way, or do you prefer another form of self-expression? I used to write in a journal all the time in middle school up until I was in the 10th grade. I had a Xanga I wrote journal entries in as well in high school. Now the closest thing I have to that are these surveys. These allow me to vent and ramble and sort through some of my feelings.

7. Do you like eating foods that other people have cooked for you, or do you prefer to have control over your meals? Well, I don’t cook apart from Top Ramen and things I can zap up in the microwave, sooo I have no problem with other people cooking for me. My parents and brother are great cooks. I also really enjoy takeout.

8. Have you ever been somewhere and REALLY didnt like a food that you were expected to eat? How did you deal with this? Are you someone who is likely to suck it up and be polite or refuse and save your taste buds? When I was a kid my grandparents made us grandkids eat our vegetables and we had to eat everything on our plate. I hate most vegetables, so it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

9. What is one way in which you compare yourself to others? In this comparison, do you regard yourself as better or worse off than the people to whom you usually do the comparing? I compare myself to others quite a bit. Like I see people my age and younger who seem to have their life together, at least more than I do. They have jobs and families of their own and they’re doing things they want to do. Not to say they don’t have their own struggles, but it just seems like they’re farther ahead in life than I am in many ways. I look at myself and I’m almost 30 with no direction, no aspirations, still living at home, never had a relationship (nowhere near a real one), never had a job...

10. What is something you’ve been particularly grateful for lately? That I have my family because without them... I really don’t know what I would do. I couldn’t keep going without them. I’d be a hell of a lot worse without them. These past couple years have been really hard and I’m just grateful that I have them by my side. They put up with so much. 11. What kind of change or opportunity would be the biggest help in your life right now? Well, I think seeking therapy would be a good start. If I did that and it was helping, then I could hopefully be an active participant in my life again at some point and start really working on things.

12. Is there one emotion that you experience more often than any other? Is there an emotion you rarely ever experience? I’d say I battle depression, but it’s not even a battle anymore because it won a long time ago, but yeah that. I feel irritated and frustrated quite often, too. 13. How mature would you say you are? What qualities do you think make a person mature? I’m not sure how to measure that, exactly.

14. When was the last time you believed there might be something seriously medically wrong with you? What was the ultimate diagnosis? Now? I’ve felt that way often throughout my life. I’d always think the worst and assume something was wrong. Sometimes there was, sometimes there wasn’t. I am currently dealing with health stuff and have throughout my life.

15. What is one illness you are afraid of having? Do you know anyone who has faced this illness? I am afraid of possibly getting cancer. I have had family members who have battled cancer, so it is in my family.

16. How do you tend to behave when you’re sick? What kinds of things do you like people to do for you, if anything, to help you feel better? I just sleep a lot and lie in bed...which is really what I do a lot of the time so I guess it’s not all that different. I sleep more; though, when I’m sick. I’m also moody and irritable, but that’s also not much different than how I always am. ha.

17. If you’re someone who rarely eats breakfast, is there a reason for this? If you do usually eat breakfast, are there any other meals you avoid or skip for any reason, and why so? I’ve never been much of a breakfast person. My body doesn’t like to eat early or when I first get up. I sleep in late, sometimes until like 4 in the evening, so by then it’s like late lunch and dinner time, ha. But even when I did used to get up early for school and such I’d maybe have a granola bar if anything. I like to just have my coffee and then after I’m finished I’m usually ready for something about an hour or so after, especially because like I said, I sleep in pretty late. I do like breakfast foods a lot, though.

18. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Were other people proud of you as well? Does it matter to you whether or not other people care about your accomplishments, or is your own satisfaction enough? The last thing I did that I was actually proud of myself for was graduating with my BA. Towards the end of getting my degree, I was so burnt out, overwhelmed, stressed, and just to the point of being done with everything. I was also dealing with some health stuff back then, which made things difficult. There were many times I wanted to just give up. Despite all that, I kept going and pushed myself to finish school and get my degree. It’s been almost 4 years now since I’ve graduated, and I’ve done absolutely nothing. Ya’ll know the rest of the story (see question 1). I feel like it was such a waste now. I also hate to admit that I don’t even want to do anything in psychology, which is what I got my BA in. I am not cut out for that. I have no idea what I want to do. I think about all that money that went into getting that degree and for what? I actually wish I would have thought long and hard after I graduated from community college before continuing on to get my BA. Truthfully, I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to do with a psychology degree, but I was so interested in it and I kept thinking/hoping it would just come together and I’d figure it out. I kept thinking I had to get my BA and not going to school wasn’t an option for me. I just really, really wish I would have thought more about it and maybe even took time off after community college. I was just afraid that if I didn’t keep going and took that time off that I would never go back. I put that pressure on myself that I had to do it. All the good that did me, though...

19. What is your least favorite thing about the season you’re currently experiencing? Are you okay with most types of weather, or are you only happy under certain conditions? Well, it’s supposed to be fall but California is still experiencing summer it feels like and I hate it. Summer is just miserable to me. I’m like, wtf it’s fall can this warm weather please go away now?? We’re still getting mid 80s and that’s still too hot for me. We’re in November now, like seriously??

20. Have you made any changes to your style or “look” lately? How often do you change your appearance, hairstyle, fashion, etc? Or is it a pretty constant thing? No. I don’t have the energy or motivation for that. I really need to get my hair done, but sigh. I last got it done in August. :X I was really good about getting it done once a month and keeping it nice, but I suck at that now just like with everything else.

21. What are some things you do to feel pampered? Getting my hair done. It feels good after it’s done and my hair looks all nice and pretty. Sigh. I really need to make an appointment.

22. What was the last thing you felt hopeful about? Do you think there’s a good chance of whatever-it-is working out in your favor, or not so much? I really don’t know the last time I felt hopeful about anything.

23. In what ways are you prone to black and white thinking? In what ways do you see more in terms of color or gray? I mean, I’m generally pretty open minded and I know there’s more than one side to some things and it’s not always just one thing or another. I guess when it comes to my life and health, I see things more gray.

24. Are there types of people you will simply never understand (not necessarily ~empathize with) no matter how hard you might try? Are there people you seem to understand almost immediately? Oh, definitely. I don’t even really understand myself I feel like, so. You can’t possibly understand everyone. There are just certain opinions and beliefs that I just can’t understand.

25. When was the last time you tried something you’ve never tried before? How likely are you to break from your routine and try new things? A crispy chicken sandwich from Burger King, ha. That’s about as adventurous as I get, guys. I don’t try a lot of new things and my life is very routine.

26. Have you ever “recovered” from anything? What does “recovery” mean or look like to you? Uhh, well physically, yes. Like from surgeries and other stuff. I can’t think of another example of recovery, though.

27. What are some ways your childhood differed from those of others around you? Do you think this difference was harmful or advantageous in the long run? I mean, apart from being in a wheelchair, I feel like I had a pretty typical, “normal” childhood. I was still able to most things. I really enjoyed my childhood.

28. What is one thing you are really good at compared to most people? What about one thing you are really bad at compared to others? I don’t feel I’m really good at anything, honestly. I am your basic, average girl. I’m really bad a lot of things compared to others, even when it comes to just being a functional adult.

29. Do you think people are “all good” or “all bad”? What would make someone qualify as “bad” or “good” to you, or do you simply not think in those terms? Even the best of people have their bad traits. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I’m tired now so I can’t dwell more on that right now.

30. When was the last time you did something out in nature? Do you notice a dip in your mood when you don’t get enough of the Great Outdoors? When I went to the beach this past summer. I’m not an outdoorsy person at all, but I do love the beach.

[livingasaghost]

let’s talk about marie kondo!!

okay so as we know, i already binged all of her show tidying up and i ADORED it. super calming, very informative, and just really my kinda vibe. this year 2019 is all about change for me and forcing myself to become the best version i can be at this point in time. and so far...it’s working. like, granted i’m still THE WORST and i have a lot to work out, but i’ve already seen so much difference in who i was last year and who i am now. like i feel as if i’ve stopped living in fear like i once did. i still get some small usual anxieties, but now i don’t fear cooking or setting unrealistic goals or going to the gym or whatever. more than that i feel good. like, i think the no sugar thing is definitely showing some benefits, and i totally resisted a bunch of valentine’s day chocolates at a thing the other night so I AM QUEEN RIGHT NOW. i’ve also been really trying to embrace community like seeing friends and i started going to this small group that i should’ve gone to like 2 years ago (i suck) and it’s SO GOOD. i can’t believe i let myself sink so deep into my darkness -- it truly has felt like i’ve woken up from a coma or something. for so long i convinced myself that everything was fine and that i just had some minor depressive episodes but i’m good now, and like...sure it isn’t so much depression these days, but i can tell that there was something inside me that just was not clicking. and now i’m doing almost everything in my power to rewire my brain and redo my life. and it’s ACTUALLY WORKING!!! I’M SO HAPPY!! like, i still see glimpses of who i’ve always been, but i feel like i’m better at recognizing that and making myself do things that used to scare me. i changed my phone background to “if you know you can do better, do better” and reading that every day honestly does make me reconsider some of my actions. 

all that said, now is the PERFECT time for me to read marie kondo’s book. i just finished it today (the audiobook) and i ADORED IT. probably my favorite read of the year so far (isn’t that sad??? and this is book number 17 people!!!) but i just really loved it because not only does it give good advice, but it also just gave me some new thoughts and some new hope. like i found it fascinating to think about appreciating your possessions more and organizing things that should be together all in one place and truly creating a life that sparks joy. i don’t know if the concepts will actually made me a tidy person, we shall see, but i have hope that at the very least it will give me some big changes. marie says to do your tidying in a big marathon, and right now it looks like i’m going to spend march doing that. 

even though it’s all in my head, i really do feel like i’m at a point in my life where i’ve veered so far off the path of who i present myself to be that i’m starting to go in a different direction than what i really want. like i’ve been living in this messy little cave for like three years and it’s been dawning on me that i hate it. not all of it, probably not most of it, but i think if i can tackle all these areas in my life then i’ll find some new energy. and i know we can’t control everything in our lives, but i think for me this is less about feeling “in control” and more about me just taking control for once. for so long i’ve let things go on autopilot and that is just NOT GOOD. like god has been pulling me along, but i think he could tell that i needed to take the reigns back and nothing really forced me to do that...and i think this poetry book was the thing that actually did it. like now that it’s almost over, i’m closing this chapter and i feel like my headspace is already starting to clear. i’m starting to see who i bent myself to be all these years, and i want to stand up. i want to let go. i want to breathe new life into this body. 

marie kondo just really made me feel like i can do this. i was afraid that mid-year i’d hit my usual slumpy stride where i get depressed and creatively burnt out and i don’t know what to do to be better, but i can already tell that this year is a different beast. i may still have seasonal depression in august (probably, let’s be real) BUT i think the difference between this year and the last two is that 1) i have year-long projects to occupy my time -- i’m working on cooking and going to the gym and READING 100 books, so it’s like even if i don’t want to take photos or make videos or whatever, i know i can just pick up a book. or i can go for a run. or whatever. 2) i haven’t had a major binging episode in AGES. i watched tidying up, and i watched a little of ODAAT, and i think i had one or two movie nights, but other than that i’m really just avoiding tv and movies. and i feel so FREE. like it’s still fun, obviously, but i think this year i just need to chill and take a break and not stare at my tv so much. and most of the time in the summer that is my go-to. so if i can keep up this mindset, i might be safe. 3) since i’m planning on tidying up my room, and my room is where i spend the most time when i’m depressed, this could be a really great way to cleanse the energy in there and give it new life that will sustain me rather than drain me in the summer. i’m not sure how i’m going to do it yet, but i think i need to move some furniture around, even though i’ve already changed it about as much as i can with the layout i have right now. i just think if i get a different space around me, maybe if i condense my clothes and clear out my closet and move some books around, i can breathe my space back to life and i won’t feel so trapped when the heat is suffocating in a few months. 

of course, i say all of that, but i know that seasonal depression is just a think i’ll be dealing with until i move somewhere not so hot all the time. we shall see.

in any case, i felt so much peace listening to marie’s book. i felt like someone was out there thinking about me and trying to find a way to contribute to my new year’s goals. i already feel like march will be a new year. i was also afraid that i’d give up after a few months (last year i lasted until about april?) so i think if i can trick my brain into thinking that march is ACTUALLY when new year starts (lol) then it’ll give me a few more months of motivation. and maybe it’ll just help me feel more at peace as i prepare to go abroad in april for two weeks (I CANNOT WAIT!!!! LESS THAN 2 MONTHS!!!) i’m also going to cut my hair at the end of the month and i’ll have released my book at the beginning of it, and i just feel like march will be another fresh start for my new year. 

i think to me the most interesting part about all of it is that i’m learning how to forgive myself. forgive myself for taking a break, for not doing the thing, for staying up late, for being on my phone so much, whatever. so many times i do things and i think “UGH JENNA DO BETTER” and while that is accurate and i do spend a lot of my life failing to do well, i have been doing so good lately! like it’s month 2 of 2019 and ya girl has read SEVENTEEN BOOKS! SEVENTEEN! that’s like...unreal. and i don’t feel stressed. i don’t feel overwhelmed. it’s just like...chill. like, yeah i have time on my hands of COURSE i should have read almost 20 books in two months. that’s logical. and i am stressed about other things (this stupid poetry book UGH CAN IT BE DONE YET) like client projects, but not books. or cooking. or exercising. it just...is happening. and it makes me wonder why i wasn’t just doing it all along. it makes me wonder if i will keep doing this after this year is over. i’m so bad at sustaining anything (plants, a work ethic, habits, etc) that i fear in 2020 all this growth will be lost, but i think about marie kondo saying that when her clients experience such a dramatic emotional change/connection, they have almost no choice but to embrace this new life because they never want to go back. i don’t want to take two steps backward ever again. i want to go forward. i want to believe in myself, i want to support my body, and i want a space that won’t suffocate me. 

so that’s where we’re at. 

[confiernoir-archived]

TRIGGERS

Please tag any graphic burning bodies imagery & burnt skin roleplay you might do. I have any form of the trigger tagged right up to ‘fire’ just for my safety. Thank you!   I will tag anything potentially triggering by example:: 'tw; death’ etc. Come punch me if I forget a particular trigger tag!

GOD-MODDING

Adrien is a funky and mischievous muse. NEVER assume that he's done something in particular that could be plot-changing without checking with me first!

Just don't god-mod man. You RP your muse, I RP mine. I know what my Muse thinks and feels, please don't try to do that for me! If you're worried a particular action might be God-modding, hmu an IM. I'll probably be 100% okay with it anyways!

PRE-ESTABLISHED STUFF

Unless you're canonically a part of Adrien's timeline in the show, please do not jump to the conclusion that my character knows you or vice versa. I prefer to RP out how our characters form a bond.  AND  NOBODY  KNOWS   ADRIEN’S   IDENTITY   UNLESS   WE   PLOTTED   IT  !!

NO FORCING SHIPS

Chat Noir can be a huge flirt at times. This does not mean I'm trying to get shippy with you! Chemistry with him will always be slow building etc. Trying to rush into things with him will get you nowhere and I just feel uncomfortable if we leap right into ships anyways. This goes for more than just romance ships too! BroTPs and FoeTPs alike

OC FRIENDLY

I'm basically RP'ing another person's OC? I don't understand OC hate so just fling your OC at me yeah? As long as you got an about page, things will be fine!

REBLOG KARMA

Is NOT practiced here. Though I tend to reblog from the source whenever I can just so you wont get a pointless note from my dumbass! If you want to send in a meme, go for it. Don't feel obligated through karma, yeah?

SHIPS

I'm multi-ship. BUT  I   DO   PRACTICE   SHIP   EXCLUSIVITY.  This means I will only ship with one version of a muse and I expect the same back ??  To explain it;   I like the unique bond that our muses can form after some time and will find it difficult to RP ships with more than one of the same muse. I will put up a list is up of my mains and exclusives when the time comes!

PRIVATE

A.K.A ;; Mutuals Only!

Please respect that if I don’t follow you back, I don’t want to RP with you. So if I've not followed you back, please don't message me asking to plot or w/e. It just get really uncomfortable and delete it. I'm just trying to set myself a limit and not get overwhelmed

NSFW

Can and will happen. THOUGH  ADRIEN   IS   UNDERAGE,   SO   NO   SMUT   WILL   BE   HAPPENING.    Other things such as gore subjects and violence are free to be roleplayed out.

ICONS

Icons make everything look better, yeah?  Also size of icons is a little pet peeve. please don't use those massive ass images? heck-- I'll even go to the extent to MAKE you some icons if you ask nicely!

FORMATTING

I tend to use the double small text as standard but will adjust to my partner's needed if they struggle with reading it! Don't be afraid to poke me about changing font size! As for my partners, I don't mind however you format or don't? I'm here for the content of your writing!

LENGTH

This isn't an issue to me whether you match length or not! As long as there's something to work with, that's fine. I've ended up rambling a lot in previous RP so don't ever feel like you have to match my length!   But like... don’t just give me one line if I gave you a paragraph, you feel?

MEMES

ALL THE MEMES. JUST. DO IT. Even if it's a hella awkward situation! Do the thing, man! It's a great opportunity for us to explore our characters. But don't be worried if I didn't answer the meme. I may just not have felt any muse for it? Don't be discouraged to submit something else!

ASKBOX

Is open to fire random questions at my muse ( or me ) from whomever! Though I'll only respond and continue the meme starters submissions with my mutuals!

MEOW!

If you've made it to the bottom. Congrats on you, bugaboo! You don't have to but if you send me a cat pun I'll pretty much love you forever?

[the7thshepard]

Life update and some introspection. It is long, and it is super personal. You’ve been warned.

(Sorry to my mobile user followers, you might get lambasted with a long post anyway)

If you’re curious enough to snoop through here, sweet. It means that amidst all of my followers who like and reblog the stuff I like and reblog, you probably give a damn? Or you’re just nosy. Either way, thanks for coming. You’ll need to pull up a chair, I’d imagine. It’s gonna get long.

As of right now, I’m spending Thanksgiving day alone. I’m writing this from the dining table of my apartment in California as it rains outside. I’ve received several invites to do things with friends, but so far have accepted none of them. Part of me knows that I will be sad today because of that, but the other part of me just doesn’t have the energy or wherewithal to deal with other people today. Yet, I’m leaving myself open for any opportunity, should it present itself.

This decade has been kind of a wild ride for me. I’ve spent almost all of it in school. I began high school, graduated high school, started college, switched majors around twice, fell in love, came out, got my heart broken, graduated college, worked for seven months, then started graduate school in August. How did a Kansas boy like me end up all the way in California? It’s actually quite the story.

I had decided my second senior year of my undergrad, way back in Spring 2018, that I was just going to finish with a performance degree and just go home and work for the rest of my life. Whatever job I could find, as long as I could keep it and it could bring me stable income, I was going to go home and give up playing the horn. I been so burnt out on school and everything that had happened around me over the course of my undergrad that I had decided it just wasn’t worth it to continue pursuing. I had wrestled with this idea for the longest time and eventually settled on everyone thinking I’m a coward for getting a degree and just disappearing off of the face of the earth. It was the easiest solution.

But something quite unusual and rather miraculous happened.

October 2018, my undergrad horn teacher, one other horn player from my studio, and I all went to Wichita for the MidSouth Horn Workshop. This was nothing terribly huge - I had been to two before - but what became of it was. I ran into my current horn professor, though, at the time he was not teaching me, nor did I have any inclination that he taught private lessons. My undergrad horn prof. and I ran into him earlier in the spring during the same event in Conway, Arkansas (it was hard not to - he was one of the featured artists of the event). He and I spent about 30 minutes talking about horn playing in the exhibition hall, and I was beyond inspired at that point to continue getting better at horn (obviously something changed in the span of 6 months that changed that mentality, but I digress).

I didn’t think I would ever meet him again, if I’m being 100% honest. But we did. We had run into each other in the student union on the Wichita State University campus. He and my then-current horn teacher had struck up a conversation (I think it was something about what he was up to and if he’d like to play with ESU’s jazz band, since he was on his way through that area in the spring semester). Somehow, someway, the conversation got turned onto me.

“What do you think about grad school?” was the question.

Now, you have to understand, this shook me. My plan was to graduate, go home, and give up. I had no further intention of carrying on playing horn or doing music or any of it. Cowardice.

“Uhhhh,” I stammered. I didn’t honestly think I was cut out for grad school. Sure, I eventually wanted to get my doctorate in something, but that was kind of a pipe dream; something so exceptionally unachievable, that I was better off not thinking about it. “I hadn’t.”

Thus, initiated a 20 minute conversation about grad school and how my now-current horn professor wanted to hear me play and, better yet, attend his school. I’m pretty sure I spent the next like 3 hours waffling about it.

The other horn player that was with us (let’s call him B) slapped some sense into me.

“You should do it, it sounds like an incredible opportunity.” B had said something along the lines of this.

“My main concern is money, etc. etc.” I tried to make excuses back.

“Grad school would be perfect for you. All you really have to do is focus on your playing.” My horn professor told me.

“You didn’t come this far, just to come this far.” B said.

(Slight divergence in the story, my mom just called me as I’m typing this and now I’m having to fight back tears. She sounded so concerned that I’m spending Thanksgiving alone right now. Anyway.)

That struck me hard. I didn’t learn horn just to give up after graduating college. I didn’t play horn for close to 13 years only to run away when the opportunity presented itself. I didn’t quit at any point along the way, no matter how stressful or draining, and I shouldn’t quit now. My mind was made up.

I talked to my now-current horn teacher about how I was interested in studying with him, and about his program and what was offered, etc. He wanted to hear me play but was busy that weekend, so I would need to send him some recordings of my playing. I sent him my senior recital that I played later that semester. Over the course of the next 3 to 4 months, I would graduate from college and then spend the rest of my time working while I finished up the graduate studies application to my school. I was accepted into the program, and got some assistanceship money to help out.

The next 7 months were really nothing to note, as far as this journey is concerned. I worked part time at a gas station, played in a terrible non-paying gig, ended up dropping one of my best friends - a story for another time, but overall, I ended up taking a massive break from my horn. My dad thought that I wasn’t practicing enough and that grad school was gonna kick my ass, but so far, that hasn’t completely happened yet.

The day finally comes. I move to California with my dad’s help. As you can imagine, it’s a whirlwind of a day. Flying 5 hours out, getting my stuff moved in, buying groceries, etc. By the end of the day, its time to say goodbye. Dad can’t stay, because he’s got a flight in the morning for some stuff he’s got going on back home. He tried to fight back his tears, as I am almost about to cry myself. The door closed and now I’m bawling. wow that was a lot of mixed tenses, no im not fixing it, and no i do not take criticism, send tweet

At this point, I felt isolated. I’m in a new place where I know no one and I’m by myself. The first person I bump into is the other horn grad student. He stops by to say hi, I apologize for my terrible playing because I haven’t been playing consistently for the past seven months and oh god I’m rambling. It goes how you expect awkward first meetings to go. The next evening, I meet the two seniors in from the horn studio and a senior clarinet player. I never felt so blind sided by questions, and they were all really chatty. Me, being the awkward human being I am stood there, giving minimal answers, and being overwhelmed by questions about literally everything. Holy shit.

I end up bumping into my now-current horn professor on Monday (let’s call him Prof. A) in the bathroom of the music building, again really fucking awkward. Prof. A told me to go to his office while they finish up the faculty meeting downstairs, and that the other grad horn was in there organizing music. Round 2 is not nearly as awkward, thank god. Around 30 minutes later, Prof. A shows back up and treats us both to Chipotle and a lengthy talk about how we have to be the “heavyweight boxers” of the studio (there was an anecdote in there that makes it all make sense, trust me). Again, holy shit.

The rest of the week goes about how you would expect. It is the week before school after all. I spend most of my time practicing. My roommate shows up. I don’t really run into anyone else in the studio for a few days. Though at the end of the week, we have a horn hang, where most of the studio is in attendance. Super awkward at first, but then it opens up. Then, school kicks off, and its all good from there.

But why am I telling you all of this? Well, first of all, kudos for sitting through my life story up to this point. Second, I think this story is key to a lot of introspection that I need to do. And third, I just need to put this all out there, get it off my chest, you know?

Since coming out to California, I have been unimaginably blessed with perhaps the best family of people I could ever want. I have a great teacher who is helping me be better at doing what I love. I’m surrounded by great, fun loving musicians who want to see others succeed and it’s been such a positive experience being out here. I literally cannot imagine what my life would be like had I not seized this opportunity.

I’ll be the first to admit that grad school so far hasn’t totally met my expectations. I thought that I would immediately get better, that I would excel, have a bunch of friends, get better at playing horn, and maybe (selfishly) find a guy. It wasn’t immediate, and looking back, I don’t think it ever could have been. Because the path I’m on takes work and courage to keep going even when the results don’t seem obvious at all. Also, let’s be 100% real, there was no way in hell I was gonna find a guy within like 2-3 weeks of being here. That’s just not realistic lmfao

Since coming here, I’ve grappled with the feelings of inadequacy and sense of not belonging that come with the territory. Initially, I thought that I was never making progress and that I was never gonna be as good as the other grad horn. I wasn’t a good enough horn player. Why was I here? What made me think that I could make it out here? Thoughts like that. They’ve only intensified as the semester went along.

But my friends have proved me wrong.

The only thing that everyone could and would expect of me is to be myself. Whatever that means, whatever that sounds or looks like. I can’t be anyone else other than me, no matter how tempting it is to compare myself to others. I just gotta follow my own path. This was and still is a hard lesson for me to learn. I don’t think I will ever totally understand it, until I can realize that I am good enough as I am now. I am making progress to get better, but I have to be comfortable with where I’m at now for it to be worth it.

The thought of running away from all of this terrifies me, but it’s a real and almost ever present thought I have. I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made. I don’t want to turn my back on my friends. I don’t want to give up crazy socks at concerts, ice cream afterwards, playing in horn choir, horn hangs, or just the general screwing around. My horn people are my family, and I won’t turn my back on them because I’m afraid of not being good enough. They have never had reason to think less of me, so I shouldn’t. Even when I do, I’m thankful that they’re there to help me out of my emotional ruts. As long as I am here surrounded by these fantastic people, I will always be good enough and I will always belong.

I didn’t come this far just to get this far. And I will take it all the way. No matter what it takes, because the people closest to me have given me the courage to make it happen.

So, even though I may end up spending my Thanksgiving alone, I’m not alone. I never have been nor will I ever be. My friends, my family, everyone who’s cheering me on from the sidelines, watching and waiting for me to succeed, they’re all with me, no matter how far away they might be. This is what I’m thankful for.

[itsbetterthananal]

a bunch of you said you would be interested in hearing about some of the things i do to take notes and study in college so i thought i’d put together a little something. i cant emphasize enough how these are just things that work for me and aren’t guaranteed to help you and im not saying these are necessarily better ways to study because i know some of you wont find these helpful to your situation but this is just my way

Note-Taking

1. Buy a 5 subject notebook. 3 subject and single subject also work but I prefer a 5 subject because then I can just have one (or 2) notebooks that I throw in my backpack every day. That way, im much less likely to forget my notebook like I would if im having to switch out notebooks every day, and I wont have disjointed notes

2. Have proper supplies for taking notes. For me, these means a pencil, a notebook, and an array of different colored highlighters. For others, pens or other utensils may help, but I find them extra. For each class i only bring a single pencil and a single highlighter (different color for each class)

3. Determine if your professor is a powerpoint kinda person (those who put most of the information in words on the slides) or a lecture kinda person (those who put few words on a slide or have no powerpoint at all). In my experience most professors will put a lot of information on the slides, but some dont. 

if they do put most words on a slide, write it down in full if you can. I know they say you shouldnt write everything on a slide but if its new information it will make more sense to you written in a full sentence when you read it back while studying.  If you arent given enough time to write it all down, skim for bullet points, or if you have the opportunity to go back on the slides later, make a note to come back to that section and copy it down. If you’re in a slump that day in class and have access to the powerpoint at home, listen and go back later to copy down the information you missed.

(example of writing things down in full or nearly full sentences, usually verbatim from slide)

If they dont put words on a slide, you have to do a bit more work. If the professor just puts up the headers of what theyre gonna talk about, just write down the first one before continuing. that way, you have room to put down the information under the first header. To understand when the professor is moving on to a new subject, listen out for indicating words, such as next, however, etc. start a new header. Leave an extra line or two around this section of information, as professors without information written out will often forget certain points and come back to it when they remember. If you miss any information, simply move on. Dont miss information because you’re trying to copy someone elses notes immediately.

4. Spaces and indents. Im pretty inconsistent with my spacing and indentation within my notes, but there are some rules that i follow to keep organization. When a subject changes, or I think a subject is changing as the professor goes along, skip a line and start a new section. This is usually indicated easily on a slide, but if listening listen for a new definition having nothing to do with the past information. Having chunks within the notes allows your brain to separate the information and begin chunking it, which means you will start to associate the information to do with that one subject. If you accidentally create a new chunk when the subject is the same, just indicate in the margin that it is a continuation of the subject, or a subsection. That way when you come back to it you can go aha, yes, this is actually all just one big thing of information.

Indentation is another thing im inconsistent with stylistically, but important. Always always always indent if the information is a subsection of what you are talking about, or describing the thing above it. Even if you have to indent 4 times within one chunk. this indicates to your eyes that there is information within the subject that needs to be remembered, and again your brain can begin chunking it. theres no specific type of mark i make for indentation, i consistently switch between dashes and bullet points, making sure not to use one under the other to confuse myself.

(ex. of indentation and chunking. i switch between dashes and bullet points to indicate information within information)

5. Highlighting. important to understand how, when, and where. Highlighters are my biggest helpful tool when it comes to studying. Firstly, i get a different colored highlighter for each subject, so that I dont have to get confused when going back to study on where i need to go. Then, as the lecture goes on, I highlight all the opening headers or information that I think will be of importance/what most of the examples are about. This is easy when professors have words bolded in their powerpoints, but sometimes you have to be more active in listening if the professor doesnt use a powerpoint. you can always go back to highlight stuff, so dont go overboard. If you are unsure on whether something or not should be highlighted, wait and highlight whats important later once the professor has gone over the information. The reason i do this is so when im going back to study, my eye will immediately be drawn to information that I need to know and understand, rather than being overwhelmed by a whole page of text or cluttered examples with no indicators. Dont worry too much about going overboard with the highlighter at this point, sometimes you feel like long sentences are meant to be important and can highlight the whole thing. This will be fixed when you come back around to study. Please note that other tools such as colored pens or underlining can be used for this but highlighters work better for me, underlining makes more clutter.

(ex. of using highlighter to draw the eye to things of importance. This was important in my statistics class because theres a lot of cluttered numbers and examples in my statistics notes that ended up not being important but just classwork)

6. You gotta pay attention. even if that means you gotta take breaks. sometimes in class you’re burnt out and cant fathom even writing stuff down. just listening will never do you any harm. sometimes I have to check social media for a few minutes before tuning back into the lecture just to give my brain a second to breathe. videos are a good time to do this. try your best to find a way to concentrate for the most amount of time. that doesnt mean you have to concentrate the entire time. many times in class i have stopped taking notes and just listened while playing games on my phone, because sometimes thats what you need. but try your best not to unfocus from whats being talked about. Better to have 80% of the information received by your brain and let 20% not make its way through than to half ass it and only have some of the information stored. 

Studying

1. Find your prime studying environment. This could be in silence (the library), with some background noise, with tons of noise, with music, outside, or any other kind of environment. Where you study and under what conditions make a difference in how well you proceed. For me, my prime study environment is either in silence or with some background noise, but i absolutely cannot focus if people are extremely loud or there is music playing. I often will sit at the desk in my room with an old lets play playing in the background, similar to leaving the tv on something you dont really care for. This keeps my brain from getting completely bored and burnt out, which can happen when im studying in silence. Pick a place where you know someone wont come up to distract you. we all know our brains will do anything to get out of studying

2. Have another smaller notebook/section dedicated to studying. A lot of my studying involves rewriting information. you will need some sheets of paper, and having a notebook or a section of a notebook will help you not forget your stuff when you go out to study. I usually will just use a single notebook or a section of a notebook that was not filled up from the previous semester.

3. Condensing. a.k.a the actual studying part. Condensing involves taking the information you wrote down in your notes and condensing it down into much smaller chunks. By doing this, you are forcing your brain to a) reread over the information, b) determine what from that information is important and connected to your chunk, and c) rewrite the information in a way that is better understood by you. This starts by rereading the first chunk of information and writing down the subject and key words/phrases from the sentences you wrote. Basically instead of writing “when first observing a crime scene, the first responder must be attentive to all details of the home inside and out. they must also be careful to not to contaminate any possible evidence that may be there” you write “observe scene - attentive, dont contam”. Its the same information, just condensed, and since you already read the full sentence to get the words, the condensed bullet point makes sense to you. This is where you take those highlighted parts of your notes and break them down to their basic information. Also, if an area of text isnt highlighted, more than likely the information in there is extra and wont necessarily be in the test. Better to concentrate on what you /know/ will be important because the professor bolded it on the presentation, and leave those areas unless you know you are certain you know the skeleton of the subject. 

(an ex. of condensing information. this put about 5 pages of notes into one page. highlighter while studying is optional because it can get messy and cluttered, but i continue to highlight each term/section i need to know just to reemphasize it in my brain)

this can get messy if you’re not careful. Keep the indentation from your original notes. arrows are a great way to show a progression of steps or information in a short manner. If you dont understand something or are missing a bit of information, put a question mark next to it in your study guide to indicate you either need to go back to your notes or ask a professor/google what tf is going on there.

This is a lot of work. it is time consuming. you have to rewrite a lot of stuff. sometimes you may not be able to condense all your notes before an exam. Sometimes you may only get through a few pages before quitting. thats okay. even doing this for some of the info you learned can help you learn it a little better. when rereading the information it can go in one ear and out the other but rewriting the information forces you to focus on it. 

4. Diagrams. usually best in science related classes for me, and often provided in a powerpoint slide. I use diagrams and drawings frequently in my biology notes to make sense of something. For instance, when I was in my cell biology class, I drew out the processes of the citric acid cycle rather than just writing the progression in bullet points, because it helped me understand what was going on with all the chemicals and such. Drawings of processes can help you envision the process which can help recall when it comes to tests

(ex. of a diagram that was provided in my human factors psychology class. placing information like this can help those who are picture oriented when it comes to learning)

5. Allow yourself breaks. after youve been going for a while your brain can whine and go no more!!! so go get some food. or take a shower. or watch a yt video. or check your social media. your mental health should not be ignored. plan certain times to study in the future and stick with them. after 15 minutes come back and see if you can still focus. sometimes a quick break is all you need. offer yourself an award if you get through a certain amount. after finishing studying for my midterms i would always go and buy myself a starbucks frappucino. 

thats about it really. I hope some of these tips can help some people. for me condensing and rewriting has gotten me all A’s for the past 3 semesters. your brain loves some solid chunks of information. feel free to reblog for reference if youd like! and let me know if you want me to make more education related posts

[cancerbiophd]

Hey Julia, how do you deal with burn-outs? I'm in my third year of undergrad but I feel so tired already, and just want everything to end...

I think, to be honest, I may have been a bit burnt out coming into college, but managed to just push through…I’m very uncertain of my future as of late also. I was pre-med all this time, and I can’t see myself doing anything else, but I feel absolutely, bone-deep exhausted with everything…

Uggghhhh i feel you. burn-out is real and it sucks major butt

And sometimes burn-outs are inevitable. The world doesn’t stop for us, and we’re only human, yeah? And we get tired. We get frustrated. We get overwhelmed. But also because we’re human, we can also adapt and learn and change. And we’re also pretty resilient! So this is what I do:

The best way, imo, to prevent burn-out in the first place, is to a) organize my time extremely well, and b) learn to say no. In college I would use my planner to plan out everything, sometimes even months in advance, and sometimes even down the individual hours. Now I use google calendar to do the same. That way, I can prioritize and estimate how long a task is going to take, and make the appropriate adjustments to my life, which goes into “learn to say no”. Some things we gotta do, but some things can be low-priority and are worth sacrificing. This, of course, is up to you, but know that it is ok, and healthy, to say “no” to certain tasks. 

And when I do feel burnt-out, but still have a million things to do, I just take baby steps and conquer everything one task at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. I break things into chunks so they’re not overwhelming (having a planner/calendar helps with this), and only focus on what’s in front of me without even giving the other tasks a second thought. This really helps bring my anxiety down and productivity up. It also keeps me from worrying about my to-do list at night, so I actually go to sleep instead of battling insomnia (which can contribute to burn-out). 

Take time for yourself. This is probably the best way to give burn-out the kick, even temporarily. And it doesn’t have to be like a super long vacation (though those are necessary too, even staycations)–it can be just 15 minutes before bed reading a book you really want to read, or taking that extra 5 minutes in the shower to close your eyes and feel the warm water on your skin, or treating yourself to some endorphin-releasing dessert. For me I like to sleep in at least one morning on the weekends (like, lie in bed like a dead body until 10 am), and I watch an episode of a show every evening during dinner. And schedule these things into your day (even mentally), so you avoid feeling guilty and so you actually do it!

Going off that, it’s okay to take a break from school. One of the best decisions of my life was not going straight from college to grad school. I instead took 3 years off to work, which let me save money, get experience (to help with grad apps), catch up on my sleep/health/sanity, meet new friends, learn to adult, etc etc which ultimately helped with preventing anxiety and burn-out in grad school. One of my undergrads right now is taking a gap-year between college and med school bc she really needs that break, and I think that’s an extremely smart choice. 

Stay healthy. I know it can sometimes be difficult, but try try try to get your required amount of sleep, eat healthy food, exercise regularly, take your meds, and maintain a good mental and emotional stability. I think a lot of people ignore the last part when they think about health, but things like laughing, being with friends and/or family, getting hugs, doing things you enjoy, having fun–these all play a very physical role in our health (they strengthen our immune system, for example). Hell, this is like.. half the reason why I have a tumblr–it’s a great place to find reasons to smile and laugh (even if it’s a stupidass meme). 

Seek out and welcome help. Whether it be help with schoolwork, or advice on other obstacles, or even medical help with health issues. Any frustration lifted off your shoulders–even if it’s a small pebble–can alleviate a potential burn-out. Remember that you don’t have to go through anything alone; you do have a support system, and yes, I count too :) 

And be selfish with your method to avoid burn-out. You gotta take care of you! I mean, what good will you be to your future patients if you’re too exhausted to help them right? Listen to your body, and take your breaks. Overworking is awful, and the culture we have with romanticizing being busy 24/7 is just ridiculous. We’re living creatures; not machines. And hell, even machines need to be turned off/put to sleep every now and then to function properly! So be protective of your self-care. Treat it like a class even, and let your health and energy determine your grade. 

Anyway, this is what I do to avoid/deal with burn-out. I really hope it helps you in some way. If anyone else has other advice, please share! 

And as I said in one of my points, I’m here for you too, and I will always do my best to help you in any way I can :)

[half-man-half-lime]

Self-Loathing, etc.

Sorry for the crazy long and personal post, but I’m immeasurably frustrated with myself and need an outlet. So I’mma vent and ramble a bunch, and just sort of hope that somebody who reads this has something helpful to say.

Fuck

So I’ve been wanting to make comics for, like, a long time, and somehow I never seem to be able to just sit down and fucking make them.

Like, I don’t know why I’m surprised the kid who got overwhelmed, shut down and went to bed at the very thought of doing a large project or even some basic homework ALL THROUGHOUT GRADE SCHOOL WITHOUT FAIL grew up to be someone who has trouble with any large and complicated project, let alone a comic that could potentially go on for ten years.

And look, I didn’t even KNOW I was on the Autism spectrum until like 2 or 3 years ago. I’ve gone to therapists and the like, but most of the time I don’t get any seriously helpful advice. (And let’s be real, any moderately helpful advice I get I probably either dismiss because I don’t expect it to help, don’t hear because of my ADD, get overwhelmed by when I try it, or promptly forget upon leaving the office) Mostly it’s the same ‘break tasks down’, etc. etc. stuff I’ve heard a million times anyway.

On top of that, I haven’t been able to take stimulants like Vyvanse, Focalin, Adderall, etc. ever since a couple years ago when I randomly started getting the shakes and other side effects that are uncomfortable and completely get in the way of working.

So I thought, okay, there’s gotta be workarounds, right?

For one thing, I was employed in a full-time job for a little over a year, and I can’t think of a single instance when I slept in on purpose so I didn’t have to go to work. I know how monumentally sad it is to say, but that’s big for me. I still had that problem in the part-time job I had before, that’s how sad it all is.

When I’d saved up enough money at this job, I bought a new computer that I could make comics on, but, surprise surprise, I was too burnt-out by the end of each work day to work on comics, and despite all attempts I couldn’t get myself into the habit of working on my comic either every day, or even just on weekends.

So I thought, hey, maybe the routine, the strict schedule and the designated location are part of what helped.

And that’s why I made it a goal to rent an art studio and start working part-time again, while working on my comic the other half of my time. That didn’t pan out, but in a connected circumstance a friend offered to rent an apartment with me, meaning I could finally move out of my parents’ house.

Still not sure if it was the right decision or not- I admit it’s a little freeing to not have to be religious, but that’s probably not enough of a benefit TBH. Plus it’s not like living on my own magically granted me social skills and I now go out with some big group of friends I somehow made or managed to get a girlfriend or anything. (you know who you are- don’t fucking get on my case about this, seriously I don’t want to hear a word about admitting I like girls or whatever. I don’t want to hear that shit on a good day.)

But the new environment at least meant I could sort of ‘bundle’ other changes in with the big one. I bought an even better computer and set it up in a literal closet of all things so that it could solely be designated as a Work Computer in a Working Space.

On top of that, due to circumstances that deserve an entire rant of their own, I recently lost that full-time job I was talking about. And even though that sucks, (and even though I have to find a new job AND dispute some bullshit false claims my employer made so I can get unemployment and don’t get turned down for every job I apply for,) it does mean I now have a whole mess of free time, and that means I can do COMICS! That’s right, this story idea I’ve been working on for like 3 years or something now can finally be put to paper and everyone can see how great it is and how cool I am or whatever!

Except not, of course.

I set an alarm, I’m getting up at the same time every day, I go to work, and it’s just. Nothing. I look at the work I have to do onscreen and just think ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.’ I need to draw a crowd scene or a complicated contraption or whatever, and I just draw a blank. Like, a combination of just not wanting to do it, and not knowing how.

I’ll admit, I DID make a few improvements since I started working- listening to audiobooks and podcasts less, music more, and keeping my phone in the other room so I don’t end up playing MINDLESSLY ADDICTING MOBILE GAMES I’M STARTING TO HATE

But it’s not going anywhere. For the past few days it’s been like, 10 minutes of actual, literal drawing to, I dunno, 7 hours a day of playing Skyrim because I can’t even fucking bring myself to play a new video game anymore? (Seriously though, everyone’s saying the new Pokemon game is supposed to be amazing, and I’m still like an eighth of the way through, I shouldn’t be this bored by it! I KNOW it’s good!)

It’s hard to find a good way to describe the problem. Heck, it’s hard enough to get my thoughts in order enough to write all this. Do you know I skipped a Drink & Draw at a bar nearby to write this??? Before I decided that, it was just going to be a nap, because sleeping sounds better than going to a place full of people I know I mostly won’t be able to talk to while I stare at a blank sketchbook page or the notebook I’ve been thumbnailing and scripting my comic on and just not knowing what to draw.

*ahem*, Anyway

I’ve read stuff about Autistic Inertia and the like. It’s my favorite go-to name for the problem, but I’m not sure how close it actually is. I’ve googled the term recently, and I saw some relatable stuff, but there was other stuff people said about not being able to talk except fuck, I just realized around like 4th grade, along with my parents being unable to get me up, there were times I just didn’t want to talk, like it would ruin my resting experience to use my vocal cords. Maybe that’s an inertia thing because I had spent so many hours asleep not talking? Anyway, I’m not sure.

Frankly, I don’t know how much I even care about what the label is except to the end that it helps me figure out a solution. I don’t even give a fuck if this is all technically my fault and I’m just lazy, or have learned helplessness, and that’s it. Does anyone know how to magically make yourself not lazy? It’s a paradox, where can you get the motivation to change and make yourself motivated?

Like I’ve said before, this has been a problem for as long as I've had anything resembling a responsibility in life. I have a large task, and it’s just... I see it and my thoughts fizzle out. Like, some kind of mental block.

The best way I’ve figured out how to describe it is like trying to live in a cluttered basement full of useless junk. From the start, it’s this huge enormous mess, and you have to wonder ‘where do I begin?’ But it’s not like there’s an instruction manual for sorting garbage. It’s easier to just sit down and do nothing some of the time. Try and walk around, and you’ll only find yourself tripping and falling over, or being unable to wade through it all because it’s too deep and shit is too cluttered and heavy to move around. It’s like an antlion pit, where trying to climb out just results in everything crumbling and you falling back in.

And say you want to do something more complicated. You’ve got to build something better to work with, right? But imagine how difficult it is to build a couch or a shelf or whatever out of random scraps of garbage, while ALSO trying not to trip and fall over yourself. It’s mentally tiring to figure it out, it’s physically tiring to put it all together. And the worst part of that is the same antlion thing, where if you fuck up then the paths you’ve worn will get flooded with garbage, or the things you’ve built will fall apart.

I don’t know if that metaphor makes sense, I hope it does.

This is all hard to describe. It’s made things difficult, too.

Like, the ENTIRE reason I haven’t gone to college is because of this shit. Whenever I want to feel sorry for myself I’ll think ‘I got into SCAD for God’s sake, how did I end up like this?!’

The fact is, I couldn’t get all my work done in the community college art classes I took JUST TO TEST THE FUCKING WATERS. I avoided any homework I had to do like the plague, and I burned out of a 4-hour drawing class after maybe a single hour.

I still remember when my art teacher told me I was doing something wrong, and asked me to start over, and that was it. I was just done, I couldn’t even imagine devoting the mental energy to doing all that work again, but somehow doing it right, whatever that meant. So I just stood there by the easel for a couple hours until the teacher called me into his office to lecture me/try and figure out what was wrong, and I was too choked up to even speak.

So I don’t know what good can come from posting this rant. Maybe somebody can give me answers? If not then at least I’m venting, I guess.

Excuse me. *ahem*

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK

I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERYTHING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

?