#which makes sense! i’m super fucking traumatized!

[painted--constellations]

i know leaving sw is the right thing to do but god i feel so alone now, man.

[indigochromatic]

Some Basic Advice About EMDR for Systems

(drawing on our own experiences, reading about it, and comparing notes with our therapist)

This is mainly aimed at systems who are considering doing EMDR or planning on it, but want to know what the process is like and what to look out for, with some personal experiences sprinkled in.

Under the cut, because I talk a lot:

General Concept

I think the big picture in our experience is that EMDR is/was like…an intensifier for the kind of headspace/internal system interaction processing work that a lot of systems do naturally, at least a little, especially if they have decent internal communication. This has both upsides and downsides/areas to be cautious about.

A lot of EMDR pre-work (often called “resourcing”) is about making sure you have a good toolbox of “mental tricks/techniques” to be able to handle unexpected intense emotions, feelings, and/or imagery etc that often comes up when you get into trying to work with traumatic stuff. This is in my opinion very important, and something your therapist should take at least a few sessions to talk with you about even if you already have good tools for it already, just to make sure they know your strategies and you’re all on the same page. Also super common and normal to spend some time developing extra ones if needed—stuff like “the box” for temporarily containing crisis emotions when needed, having a mental “safe space” that you can come back to, etc. Also, EMDR specifically tends to often be a little rigid/scripted in the types of visualizations and metaphors you’re “supposed” to use, but in my opinion a good therapist should be flexible enough to adapt to equivalent images/techniques you may already have (like, “imagine you’re viewing the traumatic memory on a movie screen, or out the window of a train going through a tunnel” is a common instruction; if, say, your headspace has a lot of fantasy elements and it makes more internal sense to be viewing the memory via…scrying in a dish or something, your therapist should be down with you doing that instead, if you want to).

As for the sessions themselves, a big thing we don’t hear articulated a lot is that, in our experience  and that of some other folks we know, EMDR has a tendency of being…like, sneakily intense: It doesn’t necessarily hit you all at once in the session, which may just feel like “ok, that was Some Therapy Work but I’m chill”, but then over the rest of the day and maybe even the next few days, it’s not uncommon to keep feeling a lot of emotional intensity/vulnerability, having more intense “internal conversations and/or realizations”, etc. For this reason, EMDR is generally supposed to start with a very mild memory-to-process, like 4-5 out of 10 max.

Notes of Caution and Stuff to Keep In Mind

Especially for folks who already heavily dissociate from emotional trauma, it’s super easy to think you’re “going too easy” only to find that the memory has a lot more emotional baggage than you realized—really go easy on yourself when you start, EMDR is like psychology power tools and you absolutely can hurt yourself. (We’ve heard from plenty of systems who had bad therapists who did not adequately support them in doing EMDR, and absolutely fucked them over by starting too big and retraumatizing the hell out of them— this isn’t meant as fear-mongering, especially if you really like and trust your therapist, but just genuine “hey, EMDR can be very volatile stuff, which is part of why it can be so helpful, but also means that it’s important to not skip out on the safety precautions and self-care”.) What this means in practice is often stuff like: (our recommendations at least) - trying to schedule breaks/easy days immediately after - possibly getting someone to drive you home, especially if you know you’re going after a Big Thing, because the dissociation hangover immediately after can be pretty real - start with a memory that feels "too easy", and scale up if a week later it still felt trivial/like you’re fully over it, because it’s way easier to ramp up than try to do damage control.

Our personal experience, in tl:dr form, was that it felt like the core of the technique was really useful for us, and mirrored some of the most useful instances of self-processing we’d had before while also kind of serving as a “shortcut” to it—but, it was pretty intense and we didn’t really like/fit well with the therapists who we were working with at the time, which is why we stopped (didn’t want to keep doing an emotionally intense thing with folks we didn’t trust).

Finally, a bit about EMDR and "maybe I'm plural but I'm not sure, and/or may not have great in-system communication": yeah, this is a case to be especially slow and careful, for all the aforementioned reasons; what my instinct/recommendation would be in those cases is to: 1) make sure you learn a lot of resourcing techniques 2) try to check in with yourself(s) frequently and with compassion/intent-to-collaborate, "ask the inside of your head how it's feeling" and even if you're not sure whether the "reply" was just your own thoughts or a headmate, listen and try to engage with/respect those responses and emotions 3) if you start getting warning signs/back-off signals/sudden intense feelings, listen to them and lighten up, pause the session if you need to, do some self care etc, even (especially) if you don't know why you felt that way and it seems 'odd/random', and really you're super curious about what's going on and just want to figure it out. Like...you and the inside of your head and/or other system members are trying to navigate a complicated D&D maze together, in the dark, and you each only have part of the map--so you have to work together and trust each other, especially listening to warning signals even when your "part of the map" doesn't show anything to worry about there. And the more you work together and trust each other, the better everything gets, including therapy work.

When it's "Death By A Thousand Papercuts"-type Trauma Instead

If you're not sure where to start because there aren't a lot of obvious "Big Bad Memories" that feel like they adequately explain the issues you're having, some recommendations:

-> First, note that "no Big Bad Memories are immediately coming to mind, idk" is super common in systems and also in CPTSD, way more than I think most folks realize, so know that you're not alone and also that it doesn't mean you don't necessarily have stuff deserving of help and support.

-> So yeah, there's kinda two things imo you can try. The first is, if your therapist is on the more flexible side, you can try doing EMDR with either "this specific memory wasn't too bad, but it's representative of an ongoing pattern or theme that wasn't great" (say, loneliness at school or something, and you pick a specific lunchtime memory, which wasn't really That Bad in the moment, but you were kinda sad and/or upset about it and it feels representative of the overall trend you're trying to process/heal). Or you can try just doing the EMDR process on the theme itself, at the abstract level, and see what comes up--again, I'd really recommend starting with a much lower-stakes issue/theme than you think you need, just because it's really easy to underestimate, especially for systems and other folks whose brains dissociate a lot. (And especially if you know your system has episodic amnesia--e.g. event-amnesia/blackout amnesia--as well as emotional amnesia.)

The second is, there are other "more flexible" types of similar somatic therapy techniques (brainspotting is the name of another one, and there's more I can't think of rn) that might fit better instead-- tldr, totally worth asking your therapist about the whole situation, and asking what they'd feel most qualified for/comfortable with, in my opinion. You don't need to be doing Specifically Exactly EMDR to do somatic trauma therapy, even though EMDR is one of the more well-known modalities for it, and finding a version that feels right and not like you're forcing anything is really valuable (and you're not 'being picky' if it takes a while to find one; you're allowed to want to find one that feels right).

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

Nimona headcanons plus a little bonus at the end

Whenever the trio gets home it's like a switch is flipped off inside their brains and all they want to do is be lazy and relax 

They’ve got very busy and stressful lives and a pretty small home so it’s not uncommon for them to yell when they’re asking a question instead of just getting up

And if they can’t hear each other they’ll just call the other person

One time Ambrosius was yelling asking them what wanted for dinner and was interrupted by Nimona calling him 

He answered the phone and all they said was “What’d you say I couldn't hear you” he didn’t even question it he just kept talking 

Nimona brings dead animals home 

I have this small headcanon that the first time she shifted into her human form was when she met Gloreth 

So before that she was living mostly as different animals and she kind of learned their ways and those ways stuck with her 

So there is a small part of her that sees Bal and Ambrosius as incompetent hunters (can you blame her)

The boys always thank her for her doing a good job and then they wait for her to leave the room before they freak out because MY GOD SHE BROUGHT A FUCKING DEAD RAT IN THE DAMN HOUSE 

There have also been times when she’s brought live animals inside the house the trio spent half an hour trying to get a traumatized bird out of their living room 

I just know for a fact that Bal has a crazy amount of brain damage 

This man has used his head as a weapon and has been hit on the head more times than I can count 

So I feel like he has a really hard time remembering the little details he gets really bad migraines and headaches pretty frequently his eyesight is absolute shit and he has to wear contacts or glasses and he gets really bad vertigo if he doesn’t take care of himself 

This worries the shit out of Ambrosius and Nimona but there isn't much they can do except deal with the symptoms when they show up

So I was thinking about the fact that as far as we know Nimona never told Bal about what went down with Gloreth

But I know that the boys would try and heal the damage that Gloreths legacy left behind  

And in the middle of everything Bal turned to Ambrosius and said “I just wish that fucking eyesore was gone” 

He didn’t have to ask what he meant he knew it was the statue 

So Ambrosius got to work trying to get it torn down 

A lot of people including some distant relatives that he hasn’t heard from in years tried to argue that it was an important monument and that her story touched a lot of people 

To which Ambrosius responded with “I’m her direct descendant if anyone gets to choose what happens to that statue it should be me” 

It was a couple of months into Nimona’s return when the demolition was approved 

The boys had asked him a while after he came back if it was something he wanted 

And all he said was “As long as I get to help” 

It was super therapeutic for both Nimona and Ambrosius 

Like don’t get me wrong the damage she did to Nimona is still there 

And Ambrosius will always have a complicated relationship with his lineage 

But tearing down the “fucking eyesore” heals something inside them

It was supposed to be a month-long process but Nimona and Ambrosius kept going and it was completely gone after two weeks

When all was said and done they collapsed on the couch and went through just about every single emotion you can go through

A little bonus I made my mama watch Nimona with me and here are some of my favorite comments: Mind you when I first put the movie on this woman was acting like I was pulling teeth

“I like the queen she seems nice” (and then she freaked out when she died)

“So they’re nice to him 'cause he’s gold I would just steal the armor what does he have without that?” “Money Mama” “Ah”

“Why are they so mean to him he’s just a baby?” (talking about Bal)

“She’s just like you especially with those freaky eyes” (when Nimona met Bal)

“Oh, so she’s the rhino…. Makes sense”

“Awe she’s cute I can't hate her” (about Nimona again)

“Oh wait she isn’t cute that’s freaky” (when Nimona was the demon baby)

“That’s like you and your sister” (Bal and Nimona interrogating the squire)

“Hey, mama is arm chopping a love language?” “I’m worried that you would even ask me that”

“Oh he’s got issues huh?” (after Ambrosius’ internal freak out)

“Can he die a little quieter… and faster” (after the Director stabbed “Ambrosius”)

“Oh fuck that little blond girl”

We had to pause the movie right before Nimona started her rampage because we were getting tired and I woke up to her in front of the tv with it pulled up on Netflix and she turned to me and said “Can we finish it already?”

“If she sacrificed herself I will never forgive you”

“Do you watch anything with straight people?” “Mama you literally ship them” “That's not an answer” (this is right after Bal and Ambrosius kissed)

“Is there a next part?..... so when’s the next one coming out?” 

Once the movie was over I told her some people thought Ambrosius and Bal were related and she looked me dead in the eyes and said

“You’re joking. No you have no be kidding… He literally said it in the movie!” “Said what Mama?” “oh I love him so much and I lost him whatever will I do” 

And then she kept making fun of Ambrosius for the next three minutes

I asked her who her favorite was and she said Nimona I go “aweee you love me” she looks me dead in my eyes and says “don’t make it awkward”

[transmascissues]

i just got back from my first ever gynecological exam and somehow, despite the doctor being really nice and way more knowledgeable about trans bodies than i was expecting, it still ended up being incredibly upsetting and honestly probably mildly traumatizing. i’m sure it’s no secret to anyone following me that going to the gynecologist is a uniquely shitty experience for a lot of trans guys and i knew that but i really was not prepared for that.

first of all, everything you read says that the pelvic exam and pap smear shouldn’t hurt even if they’re super uncomfortable, but let me tell you, that shit fucking hurt. like, i have a pretty high pain tolerance and usually even when something does hurt i don’t show it very much, but that was maybe the most painful thing i’ve ever had a doctor do to me and it showed. to be fair, i’ve never had good luck with things like that — i couldn’t even use tampons back when i had a period because the one time i did, taking it out was really painful — and i’m on t now so i’m sure that makes things even harder and i was prepared for it to hurt, but i really wasn’t ready for just bad it was. it’s been an hour since the exam finished and there’s still some pain so, yeah, so much for “it’s just uncomfortable, not painful”.

(and a side note: when it did hurt, the doctor told me to relax my muscles because the tension makes it hurt more. what they didn’t seem to realize is that if your brain and body are collectively rejecting the presence of something inside you, making those muscles relax is a fucking herculean task and i for one was not in any way capable of it so it just…kept getting more painful.)

i also was never informed ahead of time of what a pelvic exam actually entails; i had assumed it was a more general external checkup, and that the pap smear was the only really invasive part. as it turns out, i was very wrong, and “pelvic exam” actually means the doctor sticks their finger up you to feel around. she asked me if i was comfortable getting the exam because it was so obvious that the pap smear didn’t go well, but i had no clue what i was saying yes to and it was a total surprise for me when there was something inside me again. and she knew it was my first time, so she had no reason to assume i knew that the exam would be like. by the time i realized i absolutely should not have said yes to it, i was too late and it was already happening. it really feels like common sense that if you’re going to be giving someone what basically amounts to a professional fingering, you should probably make it clear that that’s what’s about to happen, but i guess that doctor would disagree.

and of course, the whole time i was also being misgendered. the doctor used the right name for me, but the other staff didn’t and everything about it was so excessively gendered (i’m pretty sure the appointment i had was literally called a “women’s wellness visit” on the same sheet that had trans man and nonbinary as gender options). not to mention, when i told them i’m getting top surgery and have the exact date set, the nurse made a comment to like“well aren’t you one of the lucky ones,” which really felt like it had “i think trans guys have a super easy time getting surgeries that cis women have to fight for” energy.

and the irony of all this definitely isn’t lost on me — i just did a project this past semester about how trans guys are fucked over by reproductive healthcare practices so a lot of us just never go, and now i got some firsthand experience in exactly why so many of us just say “no fucking way”.

i just want to put this out there for anyone who hasn’t done it before because i think this would have been a lot less awful for me if someone had just told me “yeah, it might hurt way more than you think, and also that thing they call a pelvic exam is actually an internal exam.” i thought i was prepared and i totally wasn’t, so hopefully this will reach someone else who will be better off knowing all of this.

[tizzypizza]

MY BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS WITH A DISORDER design masterpost! i won’t be sharing their full story here just because it’s super convoluted and i’ve only really been telling it by word of mouth. a few fun things i wanted to note on and clarify because i’m a linguistics nerd:

- the name she chose for herself, saphia, is technically a pun on 3 things. sophia, the feminine greek name from christian gnosticism that means wisdom to allude both to her lack of wisdom in her naïveté and her excess of traumatic knowledge, the sapphirina copepod (which i based the tentacles off of) which is a kind of parasitic arthropod (rubs my hands together evilly), and sapphire, the gem. despite growing attached to it, she never gets to use this name. i picked a name of a greek origin because the prefix neo (as in neo agent 3) is also hellenic 🫶

- nana named themselves after a banana. i named them after the nanacara anomala, the goldeneye cichlid, and musa, the genus that bananas fall into.

i use nana to refer nana as they are currently. saph will be used interchangeably with neo to refer to them With That Other Hairstyle in general depending on context (neo as a title, saph as a name)

ramble about pronouns under the cut because. geez

ok pronouns are subject to change actually because i’ve been wracking my brain over this for the past day. were they made intentionally to be a female inktoling? would tartar have tried to model its batch of inktolings after the male and female inkfish in society? would they have been born genderless? i feel like they would want to trend towards being female with the name they picked and the fact that they idolized female inklings. but ALSO if anything nana would use she/her. BUT i’ve gotten VERY used to using they/them for them and as they stand they already use she/they. i feel like nana being they/them nonbinary makes just as much sense because they’re a blank slate.

if anything i might just give up and make them use they/them the full way through, but my reasoning generally was that she was modeled to be feminine and idolized female inklings and wanted to be like them -> does not give a flying fuck about pronouns but presents pretty femininely so rolls with the two pronoun sets they get called the most -> was so disillusioned by the trauma of finding out they Live In A Society of which they no longer wish to participate in so they’ve completely abandoned the notion of gender. gender just becomes an afterthought. which i think is pretty funny.

i love dumping a bunch of complicated lore on my character that only i can understand. i am excited to solidify their story (and their pronouns. god) soon 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶

[richeeduvie]

ok so i’m in a super deep angst hole and i wondered what would happen if baby jr or baby were to be kidnapped, like how would roman react or the whole family and like how would the reunion would be like

Okay, Baby Jr being kidnapped is kinda funny to me

been a hot minute since I wrote something a lil long for Roman and Baby, and of course it has to be angst to get me in the mood <3

I know it'd actually be so traumatic and sad when it comes to Roman and Baby's little girl because you know she'd be so scared. All she knows is her Mommy and Daddy and the world they made for themselves. Even if nothing's done to her.

But I remember seeing this siblingroyoc headcanon tiktok where they were kidnapped as a child but Logan didn't do anything about it so the kidnappers felt bad and sent them back. Like, the Succession fandom is filled with geniuses. Anyways, I feel like this is what would happen to Baby Jr in the sense that she's kidnapped by people who don't want to hurt her.

Maybe they realize that along the way, Baby Jr was the wrong choice? She's the baby of the guy who got the fuck out of Waystar and is now doing...nothing but being wealthy? Who knows, I just know that what makes it funny is that Baby Jr would eventually calm down and try to be nice to her kidnappers. She asks if they can play Encanto while Roman and Baby are just panicking.

Just imagine that, Roman about to kill himself while Baby Jr's out there having a good time with her kidnappingbabysitters.

It would happen when Baby Jr's at school. Out of the week, after a hesitant Roman allowed it, Baby Jr gets to go to kindergarten for three days. There's the weekend and then one special day saved for the family. But with all the events of wealthy life going on? Roman takes her out of school so much.

So much so that the school staff thinks the person signing her out of class is just one of the Roy family assistants. You'd think private schooling would have a lot more security.

Baby Jr's happy to get taken out of school by Mommy and Daddy, but she slows with her little legs when she sees it's this...person. She's never seen them before. She puts her thumb near her mouth.

"Daddy told me to come pick you up."

Now, she's learned about stranger danger. Just not in the sense the stranger could get into her school and pretend it's one of the many people whose existence benefit minor activities of the Roy family. She's a bit nervous, but okay. If Daddy said so.

"...Okay."

Okay. So they go. It takes the little girl to see another person waiting for them in the car. They talk, they look intense on the face. All scrunched lines.

Baby Jr wants her Mommy. She'll see her soon, but she wants her now.

"Don't be scared, sweetie. You'll just be with us for a little while."

"She still thinks were taking her to them."

"...What she thinks isn't going to change anything."

What gets Roman, in the all of all it, is how long it takes him to find out his daughter is missing.

He's picking her up, picking at his coat jacket. Baby's at home, making brownie bars. He thumps his hands on the office desk.

"Mr. Roy."

"Hi, Ms. school office lady. Here to pick up my kid."

Roman wants to flick her nose. Why the fuck is she staring at him like that? He'll feel bad that he does when him and Baby Jr past the office and waves her little, chubby hand like she always does.

"I know. School's done in ten minutes, but my wife has brownies that are best when they're fresh, which - can somehow be insanely sexual? But yeah...sorry to be a dickfuck and pick her up but I sorta need her now."

"...But you checked your daughter out at eleven."

Roman doesn't blink.

"No. I didn't."

"Not you. I'm sorry, not you - but your assistant. One of them came in and signed her out."

Roman scratches his neck with his middle finger. It digs in at the end, a sharp pain against the way blood rushes through his ears. He blinks fast.

"Yeah...no, I didn't send any fucking...assistant you're saying? No, no one would've came to pick up my daughter but me today."

"Did your wife send anyone to pick he-"

"She's the one at home, baking. Like I told you a minute ago, I would tell her that I'm leaving to pick up our daughter. Which...I'm here to do so did you make a mistake? Someone pick up their own fucking kid and not mines and it's just her name in the system or whatever?"

The office lady watches Roman's finger shake, tapping quickly on the counter, like he's pressing a key over and over and over again. She swallows.

"Sh-she left. She was sent to the office and she went with him."

The tapping stops.

"...Isn't there a list?"

"A list?"

"A list of people who parents put down as people that can pick their child up. Only those people, which...you're Ms. school Office lady so I'm hoping you fucking know about the list. Ours has...has - we have Connor Roy, Frank Vernon, Shiv Roy. Her son is in the building right now. Unless you're telling me you let him walk the fuck out with a stranger? Right? Is that what you're telling me?"

"...I'm...I'm new. It's only my third day."

Roman stares. The office lady watches his chest begin to rise and deepen.

He closes his eyes.

"Did you say eleven?"

"Yes, Mr. Roy. I am so-it's most likely-"

"It's two. It's going to be two."

"Mr. Roy....Mr. Roy-"

The room and it's walls watches the way Roman pressing the heels of his palm into his eyes, stepping back and out into the hall.

"Oh, fuck."

The walls hear this high, cracking pain in his voice. Something panicked with angry coating his throat. Roman bends at his knees to the floor.

"God. Fuck, fuck - fuck! Oh, God. God. You-"

He gets up suddenly, every line twisted in his face with his hair messy. He jabs a finger to the office lady.

"Call fucking 911! You fucking bitch-you're-you're nothing! Call fucking 911!"

It's the sounds of shuffles and buttons, then ringing. Then cursing.

The brownies are done just in time when there's ringing on Baby's end.

"Roman?"

"You need to come down here. You need to-I um...I'm sorry. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know but you need to come down here and...fuck."

It's a cracking, soft cry. Baby can imagine Roman rubbing his eyes, or the bridge of his nose.

"What happened? Is she okay? Are you okay?"

Roman and her don't know that he feels like a child caught in the act of something bad. He needs to tell her something. He has to tell her something's wrong, and being the barer feels like a crime. It feels like he's going to kill her, and Roman doesn't think he's ever wanted to hurt her in his life.

"Someone fucking took her. They don't know who. The uh, the brainless bitch who gets fed off the tuition money said that it was someone who said they were one of our assistants."

Baby Jr turns to the cat paw oven mitts she got for Baby Jr. She looks to the tile floor.

"No. No."

She says it like saying no will change things. It's simple.

"Can you come down here, please? Please? I'm sorry, I should've picked her up earlier or...or shot the office staff in the head."

"When did h-he he...when did...was it a he?"

"Apparently. But I need that to not...not matter. Please, come down here."

It's all a plea where Baby doesn't know if Roman's on the verge of crying or he's just finished crying.

"I need that to not matter to you. But when? Are you asking when?"

Baby takes a breath that shakes with her body. She holds her palm against her stomach. If she presses in, she can feel her c-section scar.

Tears come as quickly as the panic.

"Roman."

"It's been two hours since they took her."

Baby's head tilts up, face twisting and quivering and her spine curves. She cries harshly.

Roman closes his eyes at the sound. He lowers his head.

"Can you come down? Please, I've sent someone to get you but fuck that if you just wanna come down here by yourself. But please, come down. Please."

It's an long, almost-gentle begging from Roman. He needs her body, he needs her for any sort of reality. He needs to cling onto her and he can't listen to her cry without wanting to touch her, bring her down. But he fucking can't right now because she's there and he's here and their daughter is gone.

Not gone. He'll do a lot of things if she's gone.

It's a big news story even before Baby manages to make it down to the school. It's a Waystar kid kidnapped midday. It's press, parents, people all over. It's a sea she has to cross. She can't cross it without notice, not when she's the mother.

But the flashes and callings fog out at the right of Roman. He's pale and brightly red all at once.

Baby Jr would giggle.

Her feet pick up. His don't even when he sees her. He knows he'll fall into the ground and he won't be able to get back up. But his face against her chest and his arms wrap like suffocation around his crying wife. Hers do too around his.

"Shiv's called about five times. And Karolina, for some reason, as if our daughter's on the company deed. I'm not even on anything anymo-"

"Did they find anything yet?"

Roman can't avoid that question because he's been asking it every thirty seconds. He gets more into a pale rage when the answer doesn't change.

"No. No, because they can't fucking do anything right. They can't find her. They can't-"

"Roman."

Baby pulls his hand away from his shoulder across. He was digging. She thinks he's colored a bit of his shirt red. She sees his coat on the steps of the school.

"Can we do something? Like fucking-they keep telling me I can't do anything and I get the feeling like I could rip their jaw apart but she wouldn't want me to do that."

Baby looks at the small of Roman's body, but the bigness of his rage and panic. It the fidgeting and shifting. For her, it's tears and questions where she can't afford kindness. As a mother, she can't afford cordialness to anyone at the moment.

"Mr. Roy, we got the security footage of them leaving the building. And...are you Mrs. Roy?"

Baby nods. The officer pulls out a phone, makes them watch the footage of a man dressed casually hold their daughter's hand.

Baby breathes so unevenly watching it, she wouldn't give anything to that man in the grained video if she could afford it. Roman keeps his mouth covered by his knuckles.

"Do you recognize this man at all?"

"No. I don't. Roman?" They both wait for Roman. His vein pops out and pumps. Pulses. His brow is raised under it. It's all harsh, it's nerves and it makes Baby even more nervous. She didn't know that was possible. "Roman?"

"Sir-"

He presses play on the video again. It's a short feature, ten seconds of bare information but Roman winds it out to forty seconds.

He presses pause.

"Roman."

It's a soft scolding as Baby licks and bites her lips, as Roman slaps the phone to the ground. He walks away, hands grabbing at the back of his head to pull at his hair.

"Roman, not this. We don't have to talk about everything, about how this happened, but we need to listen to them - we need to think about what's happened? Maybe? To figure out any information?"

She waits half as long in his silence.

"Rom-"

"Do you think she's asking for us right now?"

Baby closes her eyes. "Don't think of these things, baby. It's not going to help-"

She thought of every question she could on the ride here. Roman turns to her but looks to the ground.

"She's asking for us and wondering why we're not there? Our daughter's out there with people who will be dead come time and she's wondering why Daddy hasn't come to get her? Because I don't mean to think that highly of myself as a father but she wants her Dad to come save her and she doesn't know why he can't."

"She knows we're looking for her, Roman."

"She's five. She knows Mommy and Daddy, she doesn't know that things can come in between Mommy and Daddy. She's wondering where we are, isn't she?"

"Roman-"

"Why aren't we there?"

The way he asks the question, it sounds like years ago.

Baby cries silently, into Roman's shoulder when she tries to comfort him. It's this way until a phone rings.

"Mr. Roy. Mrs. Roy. The kidnappers have called, we have them on the phone. They've managed to get the chief's office personal number. With the information they've given, it appears to be a standard ransom case. They have said your daughter is unharmed-"

Roman's dragging Baby, both in the aftermath of their tears to the Chief officer.

"Give me the phone."

"Mr. Roy-"

"Give me the phone."

"Mr.Roy-"

And like a child, Roman snatches the phone out of their hand. It would be humorous if not for the situation. Baby Jr would've giggled.

"...Hello?"

How quickly Roman's hands find the need to pinch and peel at the sound of their voice would be funny too. His nose flares.

"I'm going to take the skin off your feet. Where is my daughter?"

"...She's fine. I said she's unharmed. This is not a political act, this is not a personal one against Waystar or the Roy family, although you can say we picked you due to your politics and what Waystar has done, but this is where we ask for ten million dollars in exchange for your daughter's safety."

Roman sniffs.

"Okay. I'll paypal it to you. Let me speak to her, though."

Baby's more than willing to give up anything for their daughter. She never expected anything less than Roman giving up ten million like it's nothing. Everything is nothing in the face of their baby.

"...Reall-"

"Put her on the fucking phone."

"...Alright."

There's shuffling. Roman and Baby wait as they barely blink.

"Daddy?"

Roman exhales something heavy. It's almost a laugh, but Baby cries fully again. Her forehead presses into the side of his head. Their breathing is unevenly, but somehow aligned with the other's lungs.

"Are you okay? This is Daddy. Daddy's sorry, honey. Did they hurt you?"

"No. We're watching Coco. I was super fear. It was crazy! Cause I didn't know anyone here, but they like Coco like I like coco. And they have Candyland! So it's okay. It is almost done. Where is Mommy?"

"I'm here, baby."

"Hi, Mommy."

It's so sweet and soft. Baby Jr hums.

"Daddy's sorry. We're-" Roman chokes on his own spit. "We'll be with you soon."

"Why are you sorry, Daddy? I go now, so you can say later."

Roman's stomach eats itself at the idea of her going. There's ten to eighty thoughts of how these people could be lying, how this could be the last time he hears her. It could be false, fake. He twitches. They could be doing everything his nightmares are made of. The things that are why he keeps her and Baby to himself.

This could be something that kills him. It drinks his blood and cuts off the air to his head and muscles.

But trusting these fuckers is believing she'll be in his arms soon, to never leave the penthouse or Mommy and Daddy. So, Roman lets her off the phone.

"We will text you the instructions on how we want the money delivered to us."

"Yeah, fuck you. Fucking bitch. You're so fucking ugly too. An ugly little nothing. You go ahead and do that."

Roman shoves the phone into the officers chest.

"Just, do whatever you want with my bank account."

It's a bit of time in trying to get ten million suddenly ready to deliver, but it's done. They wait. Roman can stop twitching and Baby can't stop wringing her hands. They both think of Baby Jr's room. They don't know the other thinks of the same thing.

"They've dropped her off at Waymond park."

They're at Waymond park way too quickly for the ride there to have been legally possible.

"Go fucking faster! Jesus fuck."

Baby wishes she could say that's not what she wanted to say to the driver.

Car doors slam when they see the little girl in the coat they made her wear to school on the swings. Always a bit too warm, that's how Roman likes it.

Baby Jr kicks her little legs. She lifts her head when she hears her named yelled out. She smiles brightly. Those little legs don't run sharply, and they can't catch her when Roman and Baby engulf her.

But they can catch her. They'll always be there to catch her.

Baby Jr giggles at how funny her parents are. They're hugging her like it's a competition to see who can hug the tightest and longest. So, she tries to join in. But she won't win.

Roman kisses her head as tears wet her hair, Baby's tears wet his. He kisses her. They kiss each other.

"I'm going to ask Kendall if we can borrow Colin."

Baby's not against that, not when she's a mother and her daughter's back in her arms.

[tibbythetiger]

Hello, hello!! I’m back! I went and finally got to see the film in theaters (the first two times I watched it on Peacock)! I’m going to have a  direct continuation of my previous post!!

I feel like Mike and Ness get really close after the events of the movie. Like many people already HC, I think Ness is really invested in the mystery of Freddy’s. So when Mike suddenly quits and is literally ripped to shreds with Vanessa fucked up in the hospital, his theory senses are tingling. He doesn’t try to push Mike or Abby, even though it’s killing him to not know what is going on. While Mike is desperate to find a new job, he’s pretty much out of babysitters for Abby at this point. With Max dead, his Aunt out of commission, and Vanessa in the hospital, Ness graciously stands in for the others and ends up keeping Abby with him at the diner while Mike is job-hopping. 

Also, given the attack on their Aunt, they can’t stay in their house for a few weeks. Ness offers his tiny apartment to share, which prompts Ness and Mike to share a room, and well, after one night Mike and Ness both insist on sleeping on the floor, a bed as well. It’s super cute and domestic and it makes Mike yearn for a life like this. But, he’s still not quite ready to make a move on Ness; mostly because he’s still a little freshly traumatized by the events that just happened, but also because homeboy’s self-esteem is non-existent. Ness is still head over heels for Mike, but is trying to tone it down for the time being so he doesn’t freak Mike out. However, after about two weeks, when Abby crawls into bed with them both after a nightmare, Mike finally breaks down and tells Ness about what happened at Freddy’s.  He’s surprised when Ness just believes him. 

Once the bunny (ha) is out of the hat, Mike’s walls crumble a little bit more. Ness decides that this is the best time, and decides to plan a really cute night for the three of them. He makes them dinner and makes sure he has Abby and Mike’s favorite movies. It all goes fairly smoothly, Abby does end up eating most of her dinner, but Mike falls asleep part way through the first movie, and Ness ends up putting Abby to bed. When he’s in the hallway on his way back to Mike, he finds Mike there looking at him with a soft smile and he just leans in and kisses him. 

After that, they don’t really talk about it, but they’re just together from there. They’re not super out when they’re in public (mostly because it’s 2000, and we’re assuming this takes place in a mid-western state), but Abby understands that they’re together now. Nothing huge really changes between Mike and Ness, for the most part things stay the same. Ness still helps with Abby, they still have their lil movie/TV-watching sessions after Abby goes to bed. Where they used to awkwardly stay on opposite ends of the couch, they are cuddling now. (I agree with whoever said Mike is the little spoon because YES) It’s little kisses in the morning, holding hands when they’re able to get Abby from school together in the afternoons. 

Eventually, though Abby and Mike do move back into their house, this is mostly because, with Mike’s custody and house checks, they need to have more space in order to not tip off CPS that they’re gay. (Again, just basing this off the time period and the area we’re presuming this in, I could see the state using that against Mike) Ness still spends most nights at the house, and he has a toothbrush and drawer in Mike’s room.  

This is all I have for now!! Also, I’m not sure if I want their Aunt to be dead or just, have been attacked by Golden Freddy. I feel like it could have gone either way in the movie, and I think that it would probably make more sense for her to just be dead. I’m going to try and write more general HCs for these two tomorrow! Again, if someone wants to write this out as an actual fic, please feel free to do so! Just be sure to tag me so I can make sure I can read your work!

[nereidprinc3ss]

so um, i wanted to rant in here for a little bit. so far, i have loved your dybmn series and this makes me think that the way you write your characters complexities is so good. i’m a little afraid of sharing this as everyone here seems to love dybmn spencer.

because god, spencer is so unfair and insufferable. reader is insecure but not as unbelievable unbearable as spencer, i understand if i might be misinterpreting this but it was easy to deduce he would be the one projecting his own insecurities on reader.

it annoys me how he won’t give her the opportunity to truly enjoy her body as she wants to sexually engage with him. he claims he wants her and cares for her pleasure but sometimes it doesn’t really look like it, it feels like some sort of manipulative traumatic tactic to actually hold her hostage even though he says he’s not.

it’s contradictory. just because everything went wrong with elle, which is WEIRD considering his whore phase doesn’t gives him the right to expect that much from reader. god, he’s a profiler. he might not be able to actually read minds but i’m pretty sure he’s perfectly capable of picking up clues with his IQ.

specially during her first fucking time with a man. how would he want her to tell him she loves him if she’s still soooooooo inexperienced? literally how? i feel bad for reading it this way but the andromeda chapter fucked me upppp. there were all sorts of theories going on my mind after i read it.

she knows nothing about relationships and is constantly put into the dangerous position of wanting to please him, he never forces her but it’s pretty obvious she TRIES. how is that not enough for him? and it’s not just the sex, he has always had her affection at his disposition (i say this according to the way she’s agreed to accept his invitations to events like the bar or film festivals, the way she’s constantly kissing him without being sexual and always asking for him).

nevertheless, i’m really excited to see how the series will be evolving as they go. every chapter comes up with something new and i love that we’re able to theorize about it. i just really hope we get a big apology from spencer because….

i’m keeping this one:

💐

thank u so much for taking the time to share ur thoughts!! I rlly appreciate it lovely!! and honestly i don’t think you’re alone in disliking dybmn spencer😭 he gets a lot of hate!!

me explaining stuff abt reid below👇 there are reasons for him being the way he is it’s not ALL inexcusable i promise!!

he is honestly probably more insecure than reader. one thing a lot of people have asked me is “how does it make sense for him to be so traumatized from what happened with elle and still have slept with a ton of women after” and honestly psychologically speaking it’s really not a reach that he would have done that! often when people are really insecure about themselves they seek reassurance and validation from other people, and sometimes they go about getting that validation through sex! i imagine since elle he’s never had a real committed romantic relationship and it’s all been very casual hookups, sometimes w the same people but never breaching into romance territory (don’t mention maeve idk if she’s canon or not in dybmn universe lol)

and I don’t think he’s holding her hostage, he just truly can’t imagine that she loves him back. and if you think about it he has every reason not to. his affection hasn’t been reciprocated or received well for most of his life (elle, his dad, his mom, jj (sorry for bringing up jeid)). even if you’re receiving all the input that someone likes you, if you hate yourself enough you’ll go to crazy lengths to not believe it.

i agree that it’s not super healthy, but he knows that! in my mind that’s actually why he told her on the phone that they didn’t feel the same way—he was trying to essentially be like hey girl you should know im pretty sure you don’t like me as much as i like you, and that’s fine, but if it makes you uncomfortable then we should talk about it because i don’t want you to feel like there are terms and conditions on our relationship that you didn’t understand.

also it might be helpful to realize that in some ways spencer really is not more experienced with romantic relationships than she is. he had a situationship with elle that never went anywhere and a bunch of hookups (and maybe maeve but even if that happened it was like a fake relationship lmao they were e dating and I don’t believe he really loved her but that’s a post for another day). but he doesn’t know how to exist in a healthy relationship with a partner who really cares for him any more than she does. most of dybmn is from readers perspective and she FEELS that he’s way more experienced but that experience is pretty much limited to sex which is obviously a big hang up for her so not surprising that she focuses on it so much and his experience seems so vast. but yeah romantically he is also a late bloomer and fairly stunted. he’s kinda figuring it all out for the first time just like she is!

so anyway that was me defending reid for four paragraphs!! but also maybe he’s just an asshole idk men suck why am I defending one of them

thank u again for giving me an excuse to talk abt this!!! ily

[freakenomenon]

Some facets of Ellen’s character are so undeveloped I genuinely forget that they exist (eg, her loosing a baby, which I will talk about so if that’s upsetting to anyone just a heads up)

Which is.. super traumatic? And to my knowledge from the game it’s sorta.. offhandedly mentioned? I could be wrong, but I only remembered it existed because of your post.

Like, I’m not saying writers can’t explore the loss of a child - how it affects a woman and her sexuality, but the games not interested in it and it’s very disappointing.

Idk guys Ellen is so cool and all the bad stuff sometimes feels added for .. idek what reason but it doesn’t aid or give more depth to her character.

RIGHT LIKE oh my god and it doesn't even make any sense. they say she was able to overcome it but her way to overcome it was ( checks my notes ) get a job. always a god damn job and never therapy /ref

and again it's genuinely such a female character stereotype. it's like the dead parents writing tool. attempting to make a tragic backstory for a female character is as easy as pie when ( adjusts my glasses ) sexual assault and ( squints ) miscarriages exist! ok god who the fuck wrote this script.

also you're absolutely right so many parts of ellens backstory are either completely ignored or. no most of it is ignored besides the dreaded elevator incident. like how they just mentioned that ( what im assuming is from ellens own mouth maybe idk it sounds like it ) eddie wasn't as "smart" or "quick" as her. but treated her like fine wine. which implies that that is the only reason she settled. ... ❓️ LIKE OKAY WAIT BACK UP NOW

[my-castles-crumbling]

Cas, the greatest person in all of tumblr. I need help. So two and half years ago I got dumped by my ex and it was very traumatic (I won’t give details but basically they were v depressed and did some stuff… yeah). And they kept coming back after the breakup and I was stupid and always gave into it so we were pretty much in a situationship for idk 6 months? after the breakup. Then we were friends for a bit and now we haven’t talked to each other in over a year. I’m over them in the sense that I don’t want to date them again and we definitely aren’t compatible and there’s better out there for me (also have realised they were a pretty shit partner). But I feel so pathetic cause sometimes I still miss them 2 YEARS LATER. But anyway, they kinda fucked me up and now I have major commitment issues and haven’t had a crush on another person since and am super avoidant now. So the problem is that I’ve been talking to this guy and we’ve been getting along amazingly. I still don’t have any actual feelings for him though and it’s so frustrating cause I should but I just don’t. Very the way I loved you, I know. And me and this guy are getting closer and we’re passed any awkward talking stage and I really shouldn’t keep leading him on but I feel nothing and every time we do something I compare him to my shitty ex who’s literally worse than him but I still do it. And even now 2 years later not knowing a single recent thing about my ex while talking to this sweet, attractive, thoughtful guy, all I want to do is text my ex. I feel so stupid and pathetic and don’t know what to do because like I don’t think there’s anything more I can do to get over them when it’s been this long. Like am I just gonna feel like this forever I’m so tired of it

Hi! <3

Okay, so I think it's super common to look back on ANYTHING with rose-colored glasses. Meaning, only remembering the good things. It's a valid experience. Also, I read somewhere that your body can literally become addicted to the adrenaline of a relationship like this, which makes a normal healthy relationship feel less fulfilling because you're not getting that unhealthy fix. But that's obviously not good.

Will it get better? Yes. Do you deserve better? Also yes.

My suggestion would be, if you have any (not triggering) reminders of not-so-great things your ex did, look at those when you're feeling that way. Maybe talk to a friend who was there. Get a reminder that you deserve better.

You can't help it if you don't have feelings for this new guy- sometimes there's just no spark. Don't force yourself if you're not ready or you don't like him. But remember that you deserve and will be much happier in the long run in a healthy relationship. It might not be with this guy, but someone will make you feel much more loved than your ex.

Naming you spark anon!

[krikeymate]

This is the tangent I mentioned here. Warning, this a very long post as I go through basically all the Sam & Tara scenes.

I don't think Tara was ever actually upset with Sam at all, she was upset with herself and lashing out in frustration. She was trying to ignore what happened and pretending to be normal, but Sam's worrying and hovering wouldn't let her forget, and she just doesn't know how to process what she’s dealing with so she shoves it down and down and down until it bursts open.

The leaving the party scene SCREAMS I'm mad at myself but you're a convenient target to redirect my anger at. Especially when combined with the conversation with Chad where she thanks him for not letting her go upstairs  and says "I guess I was more messed up than I realised" - which is a great use of a double entendre: messed up by the alcohol but also messed up by the trauma. Truth is that in that scene, she realised she had put herself in a shitty situation in her attempt to ignore her trauma, so when Sam calls her out on it, she gets defensive and snaps back at her.

Also, I just want to say that I called Tara being the subject of ‘A man attempts to coerce a clearly drunk woman to a bedroom to take advantage of her’ a week before the movie came out and I’m super smug about it.

ALSO: when Tara goes “If I wanna hook up with an asshole, that’s my decision. It’s my decision.” Sam, looks up and away and goes “oh-kay” and the expression on her face just makes me laugh on rewatches. I wonder if she’s having flashbacks to her own past behaviour, of if she’s had to deal with a drunk and upset Tara before. I definitely feel it’s an ‘oh boy here we go again’ kind of ok, especially given the twins reaction. 

THEN we get the “What are you doing here, Sam. In New York.” which is SO painful to watch. I don’t even know what I can say about that, it’s such a beautiful and emotional piece of dialogue and it HURTS. “I’m just trying to look out for you.” “I-... I know. I know you are. …But you can’t do it for the rest of my life though. You have to let me go.” – This part is Tara acknowledging that Sam has uprooted her life for Tara, and Tara telling her that she has to live her own life too. Ultimately, Tara’s journey in 6 is about deciding whether she wants her sister in her life, and in a meta sense, whether she wants to be ‘a final girl.’

Slight deviation here to talk about Chad/Tara – I’m sorry, I just don’t see it. It feels like Chad is the one with feelings for Tara, and in that bedroom conversation Tara is realising that. To be honest, I kinda feel like Tara wanted to use him in that scene, we’ve already seen that she was going to use a guy to ignore her problems; Chad is a safe option for her. I’m not saying she doesn’t have any feelings for Chad, I’m just saying I feel like… well, everyone wants to say they’re the new Gale & Dewey, except the thing is that Gale & Dewey weren’t some epic love story, they were two very different people who bonded through traumatic experiences but ultimately were never in compatible places and trying to be together made them miserable. I don’t have many feelings about Danny but I do think he’s hilarious in an accidental way and would love to keep him around. I get malewife vibes from him.

We get the scene where Sam wants to flee, this is just a classic Tara is in denial of everything happening all over again. We get the wonderful “before you make the unilateral decision to abandon my college education and flee the fucking state!” It’s there to build the does she want her sister in her life situation: this part is a reminder that Sam is the reason Tara got hurt in the first place.

Despite just being ‘mad’ at her and in denial, she still wants to go with Sam to the police station. Sam, knowing by now that her sister is so goddamn stubborn, doesn’t even try to argue. I wish this scene had actually been longer, and that we got to see them cross a few more streets, and for their chase into the bodega too. There’s a cute tiny moment where Tara bumps her face into Sam’s shoulder as she tries to listen to the phone call. The police station: the girls closing their eyes and looking tired while at the table lmao. This time when Sam says “we’re getting out of town.” Tara does not object in any way and goes “are you serious?” when Bailey reveals neither of them can leave town as they’re both suspect. This all just emphasises the fact that being around Sam puts Tara in danger.

I don’t really need to talk about the Gale scene, but I will say that on rewatches the Sidney comment actually feels really shoe-horned in for the audience. Campus meta scene. Sam’s cute “I had a feeling” as Mindy starts to ramble about rules. I didn’t care much for this scene at first, but rewatching it I actually love it, Mindy’s enthusiasm is so lovely. Her “it’s not looking too good for Gale and Kirby” makes me laugh so hard. Ethan and Quinn both saying why can’t it be a survivor 👀. We get Tara’s “don’t you fucking dare” when Ethan brings up the theories online about Sam. Baby shuts that down so quick.

Apartment scenes: Tara acknowledging that she’s been making life hard for Sam, and acknowledging Sam’s pain. “And I’m really really sorry that you have to do that alone.” OUCH. Sam blurting out that she’s been sleeping with Danny because she doesn’t want to hide things from them and then them being like I knew it had her SHOOK. Tara grabbing the phone and pretending to pick up with a “hey so what are your intentions” genuinely has me crying because it’s so cute. I’m seriously not over Tara’s first instinct being to run TOWARDS the Ghostface. I speak about the apartment scene here.

The shrine. So, first up, firm believer that the only reason Sam hallucinates Billy again is because she’s on day 3 of zero sleep and hasn’t taken her meds in that time either. We’re at just over the half way mark into the movie. I think they should have had Tara’s reflection appear over Billy’s before panning to her in the “what are you doing?” bit. I think it’s really interesting that BOTH Sam and Tara are shown to be overwhelmed by the situation – Sam squeezes her eyes shut, then we see Tara flee the room… to use her inhaler.

On Sam’s side of the story, it shows Tara pulling her out of her head and her fear of losing her to Gale; on Tara’s side of the story, we get the ‘does she want to be a final girl’ situation that I mentioned earlier. We get the fantastic Kirby conversation with Tara that my followers know I love.

Next, we move onto the park scene. Tara’s attitude has changed entirely. She took Kirby’s words to heart; she’s realised there’s a way to keep Sam in her life without being a victim: by getting mad and fighting back. “There’s no point in both of us putting ourselves at risk.” “I’m not, I’m your backup” and her little grin is cute but they do then continue walking together which completely negates that. Tara doesn’t want to stray away from Sam - not because she’s scared, but because she wants to be there for her.

Tara absolutely failing to be able to pull Sam back lives rent free in my brain, Sam is so big and strong and Tara cannot move her unless she wants to be moved. “You went back to Woodborough to protect me. Every single day you make the decision to protect me. None of us would even be alive if it weren’t for you. You have to let us protect you this time.” Tara volunteering the ‘us’ there is so fucking funny. There’s something so special to me about how Tara is the one who begins the plan to capture Ghostface and say “we execute him.” I would love to hear what people think of the pan to Mindy and then Sam when she says this, and what you all think is going through their minds.

Finally, we reach The Final Act. First up, Tara copying Sam in removing her jacket is adorable. Sam calling for Tara and then them running off without even waiting for Chad, amazing. Sam holding Tara back and shoving her through the door while Tara cries, love the manhandling. Them standing back-to-back, Tara crying for Sam, Ready/I’m ready, it’s all so so beautiful. I just love the simplicity of Tara being scared and calling for her big sister to help her.

Sam pushing Tara behind her when Ethan and Quinn split off to wrap around behind them. Tara’s “you stay the fuck away from her!” Tara moves her arm up to cover Sam when Quinn approaches with the knife. Ethan stabs Sam in the shoulder and Tara grabs Sam and pulls her away from them. Sam looks down and sees that Tara still has the brick, they make eye contact. Sam insults Richie and Tara bashes Quinn when she goes for Sam. Tara tries to get Sam to run with her, Kirby be damned I guess. Sam takes the knife out of Kirby (who tells her to “fuck him up”) and she stabs Ethan 5 times. Tara calls for her again, so she leaves it at that and runs after her. Bailey shoots at Tara, and a bullet grazes her arm, causing her to fall. Once again, Tara is the one with a plan, she and Sam continue their silent eye contact and we get the “you have to let me go” scene.

You all know that I think Tara is the one making the call. Given that Tara has shown a propensity for making plans already in the movie, I even dare suggest she says “he wanted you to put on the mask… maybe you should.” Then of course we get the moment where Tara comes up behind Sam, who stops from delivering a final blow. We get the head tilt, and a call back to Bailey’s “you fuck with my family, you die.”

We get the final part of Tara’s story, where she decides she does want Sam in her life, and accepts that she’s going to need therapy to deal with what happened to her, in order to let Sam in. Tara being the one to say “we’re gonna get through this, together” is SO important, because you would think that would be a line that Sam would say. This is Tara saying I can give back what you’re giving to me. Then of course the final scene is the final part of Sam’s story, where we see one again, Tara acts as an anchor and calls her away from the darkness.

[baronfulmen]

Why you should clear your brain’s cache and cookies

A Rant About Shrooms, AI Art, Trauma, and Appreciating Life

Hey look at this image.  You shouldn’t trust evolutionary psychology people because it’s often Just So Stories people make up, but that doesn’t mean we should throw out the baby with the bath water so let’s talk about the evolutionary importance of ✨PATTERN RECOGNITION ✨

Okay so the tiger in the picture above is trying to hide so it can eat us, and we’re trying to see it so we can avoid being eaten.  Great.  Cool.  That means there’s a VERY important part of our brains that has evolved to look at noisy images and play “find the tiger”.  (It works for non-visual stuff too, we’ll get to that.)

This is also how AI-generated art works, basically.  You give a computer some random static and then say “somewhere in this image is [insert prompt], find it” and it tries very hard to do so, like when you point out shapes in clouds to someone.

Our brains work via committee, so the part that’s doing that kind of pattern recognition and visual processing isn’t really any smarter than something like Google Deep Dream which you can hand a picture of some dude and say “FIND THE DOGS” and it’ll give you this:

People have compared images like the one above to being on shrooms and, having now taken shrooms for the first time I can say I get the comparison.  What’s important, though, is WHY this seems to be the case.  So far as I can tell (I’ll say this disclaimer once, I am some random dude on Tumblr and this is an anecdote, not scientific data - your experiences and brain chemistry may vary, do your research, I am not endorsing anything illegal, etc.) what happens on shrooms isn’t you being high, in the traditional sense.

Some drugs interfere with your perception and processing of the world.  That’s what I was expecting, and for a moment it’s what I thought I was getting.  But instead, I think what the shrooms did was delete my brain’s config file.

So now you’ve lost all the built up definitions and stored patterns, and you look at the walls and your brain no longer knows if there’s something important in all the detail.  Is there a tiger hiding in there?  WHO KNOWS!  And it takes all those little swirls and textures in the plaster or paint and starts over-processing all of it looking for patterns.  This means you don’t so much “come down” from being high, but finish re-calibrating.  At some point your brain is all, “Hey I’ve determined that’s just a normal texture for the ceiling to have, I’m not going to look that closely anymore”.

Okay but what does that have to do with trauma and appreciating life?

So glad you asked, hypothetical reader.

As I mentioned above, it’s not just visual stuff that we look for patterns in.  From an evolutionary standpoint it’s super valuable to be able to say “hey I ate that plant and then got sick, those are probably related and I shouldn’t eat that anymore”.  But there’s two big problems with that.  The first is that as with the visual processing that one part of your brain on its own isn’t smart.  It’s an algorithm, not an entire brain, so it fucks up sometimes.

I know a guy that couldn’t check his mail, because he’d been in really bad debt for a while and the fear of losing his home and the hounding by debt collectors  traumatized him so badly that his brain said “Man every time we look at the stuff that comes in the mail we get SO UPSET!  Better avoid looking at mail!” which meant when someone put envelopes down on top of the groceries (meaning he’d have to pick up what might be bills to get to the food) he found himself thinking “maybe I should just order pizza” even though he knew how stupid that was.  Trauma is a bitch, y’all.

The other thing is that sometimes the pattern was valid but is simply no longer useful.  The context has changed, and now it’s getting in the way rather than helping... but your brain doesn’t have a reset button.  Well, not a built-in one... but turns out this shit does the trick:

This is a PB&J&M sandwich I ate yesterday.  Ignore the chipped plate.  It made me feel kinda queasy all day, and at first I was disappointed.  I felt a little floaty and wobbly and things did start to look a little interesting, and I was having a nice time, but it wasn’t the mind-blowing experience I’d been hoping for.  And then the shrooms finished deleting all my stored patterns.

You know that stoner thing where they’re like “dude this cat is, like, so soft.  Why can’t we all just love each other and pet cats?” and you roll your eyes at them?  Yeah, well, the thing to know is that’s not them being stoned, that’s them seeing the world with a fresh perspective and realizing that, yeah, cats ARE soft and we don’t appreciate that enough and man why CAN’T we just relax and love each other?

In other words, it’s not distorting your perception - it’s resetting it.  You get to experience that wonder and joy of seeing things for the first time, and it’s lovely.  There are so many details that your brain files away as unimportant - it’s busy checking for tigers, who cares about appreciating the grass?  I had a great talk with my daughter (side disclaimer, she’s an adult and I was totally lucid by then and I cleared it with my designated babysitter first) and got to really see her as an adult for the first time.  Kids grow up a little at a time and it’s wild to be able to wipe out the “yeah, yeah, that’s your kid, you know what they look like” thing and SEE them, see how they’ve grown and what they really look like as a whole adult person.

I also realized I wasn’t being fair with her.  She’s had issues I won’t go into here, she’s done some dangerous or irresponsible shit like most kids have and I was still filled with parental anxiety about that and was viewing her through that filter.  What is she up to?  Is she acting squirrely?  She hasn’t been home for a few days and now she’s all manic, is she safe?  Is she fucking up?  Am I fucking up by letting her fuck up?

And with that filter erased, I could see... she’s a good kid.  She’s manic because she has ADHD and decided she doesn’t want to take meds.  She has some issues, but she’s an adult now and those aren’t my business anymore; those are now her adult issues that she can work on in her own time and her own way.  I can finally look at her as... not a peer, she’s still my kid, but as a complete adult person that I don’t need to fix and can just love and support.

It’s like Marie Kondo came into my brain and was like “hey does this pattern you’re viewing everything through spark joy?  No?  Okay let’s thank it for its service and send it on its way.”

And this is why people use shrooms to treat trauma.  I’m not saying it’s a magic cure-all, I’m not saying that it will work for everyone, but... man it’s pretty great to clear things out.  That sense of wonder and appreciation is already fading, but it’s not that the shrooms are wearing off - the wipe was an event not a condition - it’s just the normal process of my brain filing things away as “not a tiger” and ignoring them again.

It’s like those power washing videos.  You scour off the accumulated grime, and then the grime starts to build up again but at least you get it nice and clean for now and were reminded that, hey, that can look pretty nice.  I can see why people say not to do them too often, as wonderful as my experience was there just wouldn’t be a point in doing it again right away.  Maybe in a few months, who knows.

Final thoughts and warnings

I was queasy the whole day, longer than most people seem to experience.  It didn’t bother me much, I never felt like I was in danger of throwing up although I know people who have.  If you’re worried about it there are ways around that, it’s caused by the actual mushrooms rather than the active chemicals so you can (supposedly) make a sort of tea and strain out the actual mushroom bits. 

I tried watching some of those trippy videos, and that was a mistake.  There was too much visual stimulation and the disconnect of “wait it looks like we’re flying through a psychedelic landscape of fractals but it feels like we’re just sitting in a chair” made me feel antsy and uncomfortable.  Turns out it’s better to just look at something fairly boring and let your brain over-analyze it.

Have a babysitter.  My wonderful supportive wife was mine, and I ended up not needing one but frankly that might be my own strange brain.  I’ve always had a strong separation between the main “thinking” part of my brain and the rest, so there wasn’t really any chance I would mistake my altered state for normal life.  Better safe than sorry though, especially at first.

Do your research.  Don’t go for the highest dose you can in search of some crazy trip - the best thing is the mental refresh, not seeing the walls move.  I took 3.5g, just for reference.

Plan for it to take up your whole day AND to be kinda tired the day after.  Think of it like taking a sick day, you’re going to want to spend most of the time just laying back and dozing on the couch.

Be in a good mood, and a place that makes you feel good.  Lots of people suggest being out in nature, I can imagine that would be really nice.

Be extremely cautious when combining shrooms with other things.  Don’t do it on purpose - it’s not needed, I promise - and do your research if you’re on anti depressants because while it seems mostly safe there’s theoretically a chance of having a bad interaction like serotonin syndrome.  My own research has implied that’s probably not an actual concern but I’m just some guy on Tumblr and you shouldn’t trust me.

Don’t use drugs if you’re under 20, don’t do illegal stuff, don’t blame me if you fuck yourself up.  I will not under any circumstances assist anyone in obtaining shrooms.  All I’ll say is they’re legal in some places and if you don’t live in one of those places you’re on your own.  While they do grow naturally in some places, so do mushrooms that will fucking kill you - and it can be hard to tell the difference.  Don’t eat random mushrooms, ever.

[fizzigigsimmer]

On Steve, Billy, and fighting.

Let me just preface with I don’t think the Duffers have thought about this or done any character work with Steve beyond deciding where to aim him each season, but nevertheless I like the little peeks at character we’ve gotten thanks to Joe and head canons are fun.

I love reading and writing a badass Steve but I get why some folks go the route of “Steve can’t fight” and think that he is easily over powered; because lets face it the show does show that happening quite a bit, because punching Steve is fun according to the Duffers. My man has lost a fight to just about everyone but trained Russian soldiers and supernatural hell beasts. Which is just fucking… okay Duffers, but anyway I think it’s fair to assume Steve is just absolutely shit at hand to hand combat.

What I have noticed about Steve though is that he has really good hand-eye coordination (because Joe does) and as we’ve seen now with the bat and the phone, if you put an object in his hand he can be pretty dangerous with it. Which became something of a gag in S4 with Steve grabbing at random objects the minute he thought shit was about to go down.

My personal head cannon is that Steve is good at armed combat (I’m not talking guns but swords, knives, and other hands on weapons) because he’s got the skill, the stamina, and the courage obviously, but also it’s a style of fighting with a built in buffer between you and the violence you are committing. You get done bludgeoning something, and that can be plenty traumatic and intimate on its own, but never as intimate as harming someone with your bare hands is going to be. When you lay hands on someone, you have to feel it in your body and take part of the blow you’re giving. And I think it makes real literary sense that Billy as a character would excel at this style of fighting that requires you to be a weapon without a shield. Not all violence is viewed the same and brawling is a kind of violence that historically in the west has been depicted as dirty, low, and lacking in class.

Steve is both narratively and symbolically a knight in my opinion. The first time we see him in the role as a competent warrior he’s almost literally the kids knight in shining goggles.

This is why my personal head canon for after Billy survived being flayed (the S3 ending has no power here) is that Billy pulled this man aside and taught him how to fight with his damn knuckles.

Because it would piss him off I think, Steve being vulnerable like that because of some subconscious reluctance to grab something with his hands and wring blood out of it. He’s got it in him (dude bit off the head of a bat) he just needs something to bring it out of him and Billy would be determined. Imagine Billy working him on the mats, grappling, wrestling, Steve getting frustrated with Billy slipping out of his holds. Imagine them boxing, Billy constantly correcting his stance, egging him on like, “don’t be precious with it Harrington, hit me” until Steve just snaps and tackles him.

Imagine the conversations, both boys exhausted and dripping sweat, Steve passing Billy his water bottle because Billy has drained his and asking him, “where’d you learn to fight like this?” And learning that Billy had to, because Billy was born in a war zone and he’s never had anyone to shield him. Until Steve starts pulling that knight in armor shit on him, stepping in front of the government guys who want to keep him from fully integrating back into normal life. Organizing a “jail break” with Max, and arguing with the Chief when Hopper finally tracks them down. Imagine Hopper, frustrated, asking Steve how any of this is his business and Steve telling Hopper Billy is his friend. And they just keep arguing over him while Billy is sat there, floored because Steve called them friends. And then Billy’s libido that took a hike during the months of physical therapy comes back with a vengeance to make their next session super awkward.

[cinamun]

I’m finally home from the nonsense day I’ve had so I can fully unpack my feelings…or at least try to. This Mercy situation…idk. Mr. Isaac is an interesting case for sure. He’s really just toying with Mercy because it gives him something to do and he finds it fun, if that’s a word you could even use for his literal no feelings having ass. He doesn’t need her in any way. He has his own money. Yeah he could like sleeping with her but just like Kenji jumped on to Aaliyah and got what he wanted easily, how hard would it be for Bishop to leave and get somebody else? He definitely is trying to see it through with Mercy rather than start over because he’s already dug so deep into her and he’s made it clear that he is not leaving. So the only end I see is one of them ending up in a body bag and really Mercy is the only person that knows him well enough to be able to even have a chance at having that foresight and ability to get a few steps ahead of him. In a way Bishop does trust her. A guy like him has to have some level of trust for him to lay his head next to you every night and sleep. That’s the only time he’s truly vulnerable and even then he probably has some type of freaking spidey senses. Even if it’s just that he believes he scared her so bad that he doesn’t have to worry about her, that’s still some level of trust. Idk. Let’s say Mercy tries to go to Jayce. Do we really think she’d make it out the door? He’s yanked her up for less. And say she did manage to make it there undetected, do we not think that’d be the first place he’d go looking? Mercy has already been there so he has to know where Jay lives. He knew which dorm was his somehow AND broke in without notice. He is a seasoned criminal that knows how to leave no traces. I don’t want any of that mess near HoJay’s home. They’d be collateral damage for sure. We’re talking about a guy that set up his own blood with no remorse or second thought and faked his death successfully. He does not care about them and I’m sure he packs heat everywhere he goes. It’s looking real grim but in the words of Kenji, I could be wrong…idk.

You know what time it is sis...

"It gives him something to do" - Let's unpack.

He doesn't really have shit else to do right? Right. He escaped from prison, he escaped death, so now he's just laying low with no one to rob, set up or traumatize. Except for... Mercy. Mercy is his "something to do" given the fact that he's a psychopath. He literally needs something to fuck with, or someone to fuck up. He can't feel anything emotionally (which is why he won't/can't say he loves her) so why not have a little fun by tormenting a woman you love to fuck?

"how hard would it be for Bishop to leave and get somebody else?"

One thing about Kingpins, they value loyalty. The root word is King so loyal subjects matter. Mercy is a very easy, subserviant and loyal person in his life so, while he doesn't need her and could make someone else bow down to him, look at her... she's attractive, he's paid for some pretty badass curves and she's loyal... he knows the value in that.

Also, when you've been in prison for 3 decades, you deffo have some spidey senses, especially when you're sleep. he's probably a super light sleeper with an itchy trigger finger (in the figurative sense).

So about knowing where folks are... since the scene is over I can say that in my head, he pretended to be Jay's stepfather, called the school and found out which dorm. Or maybe he lied and told Mercy he would pick up Jays laundry and needed to know the room... remember, Mercy would give anything for Bishop to at least pretend to give a fuck about her son. So, unless she slips up, currently Bishop doesn't know where Jay lives. I mean... currently

So yes, the possibilities of death, destruction and armaggedon are very real as long as Bishop is somehow involved in their lives.

The real question I have is why would he ask her to marry him if he doesn't feel love? What is the motivation there? He doesn't need a ring to control her, he was doing fine without it. Maybe for the same reason he bought the piano?

Can't call it.... but he is certainly an interesting character.

[caelumsthelimit]

actually wait real question time. tell me about an OC. more specific uhh tell me about an x men oc. if you have one. I'm sure you do. I want to hear about them

OUGH okay i actually recently came up with my own little x-men ocs team <3 they’re not super developed yet but i love them. they exist during a non-existent era in which jean grey was head of the school for more than like 2 issues (this is because i like her) anyway! theres: Felix, Alex, Lena, Alice, and Safiya.

Felix aka Sonata is a booster/synchronizer, he powers the other up and makes it easier for them to use their abilities together. He’s got a massive gay crush on Alex too

Lena aka Statuesque can manipulate stone, she loves her powers but is less sure if she loves being a superhero— mostly she just wants to go be an artist, but she loves her friends too much to leave them. She’s naturally extremely pale + platinum blonde and it’s unclear if that’s a physical mutation or not. also i have her EDS like me <3

Alice aka Alias can make it so that no one will notice them unless they actively hold their attention. Like people’s vision just slides right over them etc. They are kinda Fucked Up because for a while they couldn’t actually turn it *off* and all their loved ones were slowly forgetting they’d ever existed and couldn’t see them.

Alex aka Citrine is my dearly beloved telepath, they manifested when they were being attacked by some bullies or something, they ended up with a head wound that slowly transformed to look like a citrine geode! so now half their head looks like a geode it’s sick as fuck and definitely traumatizing for them. they also get all my fucked up telepathy hcs (telepathic overload, can’t turn that shit off, has to deal with Telepathy Ethics and anti-psionic biases etc) they’re really close to Alice though, because they can always sense Alive even when their powers are “on” because of their telepathy, so Alice knows thag Alex will never forget/not see them. And wow I’m just realizing these two have very similar names and the same pronouns.

Safiya aka Catharsis can manipulate her personal gravity! Mostly she uses this to fly, or to make her punches hit extra hard, she’s kinda the physical one of the team, and also the unofficial team leader. She largely views her powers as a tool but is more conflicted on her mutantdom, which has caused distance between her and her really close family.

[myreygn]

hi hi!! hc anon back with more chaotic hc’s!!

i saw a lot of ppl in the fandom making fun of sanemi for his lack of eyebrows and now have a hc that all the hashira (aside from rengoku) enjoy teasing him and use rengoku as an example of “nice eyebrows”. obanai specifically finds it hilarious to tease sanemi and says that even genya has better eyebrows than him which actually makes sanemi want to punch obanai (he refrains from doing so but he swears one of these days, he will punch obanai for the eyebrow comments) sanemi has secretly had it out for rengoku ever since. however, rengoku is blissfully unaware of the fact everyone’s making fun of sanemi and that sanemi secretly holds a grudge against him all cuz of his eyebrows. he does notice sanemi glaring at him from a distance but doesn’t bother to figure out why 🤣

with the demons however, douma gets teased for his eyebrows by everyone. it all started cuz douma was arguing with enmu about his sense of fashion which enmu called “ugly” and douma asked rui what he thought since all rui did was stare at him. all rui said was “huh? i’m sorry, i wasn’t listening to what was going on between you and enmu. i was too distracted by whatever is going on with your eyebrows. i think you need to ask daki to help with those things.” which sent all the demons into fits of laughter (even kokushibo was laughing) douma was offended cuz he does his eyebrows himself but when gyokko added his opinion, enmu roasted gyokko and said “gyokko, you have no eyebrows to speak of. you shouldn’t be making fun of douma for his.” and rui added “sorry gyokko, douma’s eyebrows may have some issues but it looks better than whatever you have going on” and it left gyokko fuming while the others all were on the floor laughing. rui and enmu stood proud however to have roasted 2 upper rank demons 😭💀

and that’s all for now! have a good day/night!!

IT'S YOU! :D hello good to see you here and sorry for the wait, i had to scrape up the motivation to answer - hope you're doing alright! ^^

ahh yes sanemi and his infamous lack of eyebrows... luckily anime men don't need eyebrows to appease me *gives tengen a kiss on the forehead*

but the hashira making fun of him for it and rengoku being absolutely unaware of the whole thing?? please that's hilarious 😭 he just assumes that it's normal for sanemi to look at people's eyebrows instead of actually making eye contact and he decides not to question it because knowing sanemi, it's probably rooted in something deeply traumatic. he also doesn't think it's weird that sanemi calls him 'eyebrows' because sanemi probably has a nickname for everyone, he's heard him call tomioka 'babe' before after all. he's also working on blinking even less and having his eyes seem even bigger; sanemi told him once "i can't even see your fucking eyes under all of those fucking eyebrows" and he knows that sanemi has some trouble with his vision so making his eyes more visible would be the considerate thing to do (sanemi hasn't commented on it yet tho, maybe he needs to put in more effort)

also may i just add a sentence i immediately thought of from All the splintered light that leaked by quarter_life-crisis, one of my favorite fics where sanemi giyuu tengen and rengoku get super drunk and sanemi does this:

ENMU AND RUI ROASTING THE UPPER MOONS HELP 💀 what are the odds akaza and daki encouraged them to just let it all out and enmu decided to just go for it. rui didnʼt want to immediately jump in too but then he got so distracted by the eyebrows and he just blurted it out, he couldn't help himself.

(the gyokko roast was completely intentional tho, none of them have respect for fucking gyokko 😌)

when douma won't stop whining akaza offers to help and then proceeds to blow douma's head off when he accepts the help ("stop whining i fixed your eyebrows") and then muzan walks in on gyokko akaza douma and kaigaku fighting while roasting each other's appearances (no way there's a fight going on and kaigaku isn't getting involved) and after kokushibo told him what's going on muzan secretly awards enmu and rui bonus points in his mind for insulting douma.