#which means this was more a reflection of her own fears

[headspace-hotel]

It's important to not force your human morals onto non-human nature, like "this creature, since it disgusts me, is bad" or "this creature, since it has behaviors I interpret as sweet and heartwarming, is good"

But if you study nature whether in life or in profession, nature will make you feel disgusted and uncomfortable, it's not necessary to act as if those feelings don't exist within you, because they are part of your encounter with the otherness of nature, and contain sensitivities that can be sharpened into their own ingredient to knowledge and awareness

Coexisting with discomforting parts of the reality of Nature without trying to resolve them into a moral or aesthetic framework you are happy with, reflects maturity

It is no good to "redeem" a hated animal if the redemption is another false idea of the animal as innocent and good. This implies that a creature's "goodness" is a valid reason it deserves existence. It is also no good to treat a beloved animal with hatred to make things fair.

A good example is with dolphins and sharks, dolphins were seen as good and cute and almost human, whereas sharks were seen as bloodthirsty killers, and this has cost the lives of sharks while dolphins are given more sympathy, so some people have tried to turn it around, portraying sharks as gentle and good while pointing out that dolphins can be violent and rape other dolphins.

A lot of dolphin behaviors are certainly upsetting, definitely it makes sense to be upset that an animal can engage in what appears like cruelty, but human morality isn't made to apply to non- humans, and a particular behavior is not the entire reality of what a whole species is like. Dolphins also engage in behaviors that humans judge as friendly, compassionate, altruistic, curious and playful

Think of a particular dog or cat and the variety of complex behaviors they are capable of—an entire species, made of individuals with their own complexity, must be far more complex. All of your emotional responses to dolphins are recognizing the immense complexity of these animals and how they are both like and unlike you, which is important to think about to expand your understanding of the universe

Fitting a creature to a flat framework for your own comfort or internal resolution is a disrespect to the creature. Certainly with sharks, everyone should know the facts about them rather than sensationalistic misinformation—shark attacks are rare, humans are not a preferred food for sharks, and most shark bites are exploratory investigations of a strange object or animal rather than feeding upon a selected prey item, however this doesn't mean sharks are "good" by human standards and it certainly doesn't mean sharks are "safe."

Seeing a video of an enormous Great White swimming placidly I feel that her presence is not just breathtakingly beautiful, but awesome—in the more archaic sense of something that inspires awe, something so great and powerful it could destroy your fragile human life without malicious intent. Likewise with any shark, it is respectful to recognize that they can be dangerous, it is disrespectful to think of them as ocean puppies and try to touch them and grab them.

Fear, disgust, anger—each is an instinct that functions to protect you and is reactive towards potential or perceived threats. Your brain allows you to evaluate things that cause these responses and choose how to act.

All parts of this whole are important because the natural world contains actual threats but knowledge and intentional behavior are important to protecting yourself.

For example, once when I found a tick crawling on my clothing, I felt disgusted and startled, which is appropriate, but my instinctive reaction was to immediately flick the tick off, flinging it onto the floor or furniture nearby where I no longer knew where it was. In this way my response didn't actually protect me but instead increased the level of risk

There are plenty of other examples—if someone sees a venomous snake they might think it is important to kill it, but trying to kill the snake is much more dangerous than leaving it alone, since the snake will try to defend itself. Spraying pesticides to kill bugs can unbalance the ecosystem causing more harmful pests than you started with because the natural predators are also killed. Using poisons to kill mice and rats will also poison their natural predators. Killing coyotes just causes them to disperse and reproduce at a higher rate, and killing wolves causes overpopulation of prey, which causes disease to proliferate and forests to be stripped bare of saplings that could grow up and regenerate the forest...

...And it also works the opposite way with human responses of affection, love and sociability: humans often may feel that they want to make an animal their friend, but often it would be cruel to take that animal into a human house and treat it as a pet. White-tailed deer may seem cute and sympathetic but hunting some of them is important for the health of the ecosystem, and trying to make them tame puts the deer and the humans in danger. Domestic cats are our friends but they are also invasive species in much of the world, destroying populations of birds, mammals and amphibians.

Domestic cats aren't serial killers or murderers either, they are just predatory animals that instinctively hunt and kill prey.

It is hard for facts about animals to be propagated while those facts must be presented as reasons the animal deserves to live or deserves to die. Virginia opossums are important to their ecosystem and deserve to exist. They also don't actually eat ticks, that came from a very flawed and sloppy scientific study that was contradicted by later studies, and sadly the reason this misinformation got so far is that it was "proof" that opossums are valuable and shouldn't be killed for no reason.

Wolves are keystone species and vital to their ecosystems, but it's not true that they never attack humans, there have been a small handful of wolf attacks on humans, it's very few and wolves generally avoid humans but they're not "safe." They shouldn't have to be "safe" to deserve to live.

Fact is, most animals can harm a human if they feel threatened or end up in an unlucky situation! Most animals can spread disease one way or another! We have to live with this, we have to learn and use strategies to keep ourselves safe, we can't just sterilize the world of animals because of a possibility that an animal could hurt someone, any more than we can cut down every tree because trees fall on people sometimes.

No one likes hearing that there's no way to for-sure eliminate all possibility of ticks from your yard, you just have to take precautions against them, but it's true! Just like there's an inherent possibility a wasp could sting you, an inherent possibility a snake could bite you, an inherent possibility a mountain lion could eat your livestock, but you can dramatically lower your risk of these things by knowing how to coexist with these animals.

[raayllum]

6x05 Moonless Night Speculation

So 6x05 is called "Moonless Night" and it's ruining my life (affectionate), so let's talk about it.

Seasonal Placement

Something that's worth noting, I think, is that while episode 5 is undoubtedly an important episode in each season, as it marks the official "over halfway point" of the 9-episode assortment, thus far across the series it doesn't tend to hold the most plot compared to episodes occasionally surrounding it. Consider how 2x05-2x06 or 3x04-3x05 are grouped together as little collections, either grinding the plot to a halt to give flashbacks or to see Ezran leave his kingdom crownless and for Rayla and Callum to retrieve Zym from the wily Nyx. Even 4x05 and 5x05 aren't particularly plot heavy episodes, often getting the next segment of the story underway by travelling to a new location or having certain characters / pieces of information reconvene.

What episode five does tend to be are emotional turning points for characters:

1x05: This is the episode that makes the trio Friends, most notably allowing Rayla to open up to the boys about her parents and her fears, and having their togetherness reaffirmed. Unlike in the previous episodes, she's not hopeful or tolerating them anymore, and the boys have seen some of her more consistently good attributes / learning her behaviours too.

2x05: Callum finds the resolve to open the letter from King Harrow and we see where his mother, stepfather, and Viren felt about the mission that ultimately led to tragedy.

3x05: Soren chooses to do the right thing and stand by Ezran, and Callum and Rayla begin their romantic relationship.

4x05: Callum and Rayla deal with the lingering results of their fallout, even as Callum is able to admit that he is happy she's back, and we see how Rayla has become more jaded whereas Soren's gone in the opposite direction.

5x05: The group reconvenes to decide what to do for the rest of the season about Aaravos, leading to an interesting difference between the brothers. This one fits the pattern the least, arguably, but we'll talk a bit more about how S5 breaks patterns in a second.

As of course, TDP doesn't have to follow any previous seasonal notions. In every other season, Callum's arc(s) have always carried over into the season finale in some way—for 1x09 and 2x09, it's his relationship with magic, and for 3x09 and 4x09, it's his relationship with Rayla. Season five subsequently breaks convention as his arc is shored up by the end of 5x08, leaving 5x09 to give more room for Viren and Claudia's emotional arcs as well as a minor beat for Rayla's metaphorical/literal one with water. Season six could break previous patterns even further with 6x05 being a massive turning point.

With all that in mind, let's first examine what the Moon itself represents in TDP, and then what a night being moonless might mean before we get into plot and emotional arc speculation.

What does the Moon Represent in TDP?

One of the things that's nice about a series like TDP that takes its magic so literally is that we do have a handy list of things the Moon represents, at least tangentially. Callum's Spellbook reads, "Illusion, love, charm, private, deep, secrets, manipulation, death, reflection, appearances, and duality." Certainly seems like a very Aaravos-y star adjacent list, don't you think?

And we also get the explanation from Lujanne in 2x01, which is based off Plato's concept of the forms:

The arcanum of the moon is about understanding the relationship between appearances and reality. Most people believe that reality is truth and that appearances are deceiving. But those of us who know the Moon arcanum understand we can only truly know the appearance itself. You can never touch the so-called reality that lies just beyond the reach of your own perception.

For Lujanne, the philosophy behind the arcanum is rooted in the duality of truth vs secrets, appearances (and illusions) stacked against each other, and the nature of reality. However, we see other aspects of the Moon arcanum, such as Moonshadow form, be tethered to something equally involved in duality if perhaps more noteworthy for our purposes (Bloodmoon Huntress):

Moonshadow form is only achieved when we understand the balance between life and death. Balance is weight against weight, and to understand the weight of death, you must feel the weight and value of another's life. Think of those you love, those you hold dear. Now think of the souls who have touched your life. Understand that each time your weapon meets its target, each time we fulfil our duty, the potential for that life to change—to love another—is gone. We may remove hate, but we remove the potential for love as well.

Now, we can see how both of these may overlap with each other later — Harrow had the appearance of someone who posed a risk to the world but no longer did, and the vengeance declared was for an egg that hadn't actually been killed — but we'll get more to the other implications in the following section.

For now, I want to focus on examining the other less 'metaphorical' meanings and look at some of the more literal associations we have with Moons in the text. As we all know, there's been a prevalent light-darkness motif running throughout each season of the show that's only gotten more affirmed — and more linked to Rayla and Callum's relationship — as the show has gone on. (If you want more details, check out this tag.) We see this first hand in 2x02 "Half Moon Lies" where Lujanne also counsels Rayla through some Moon arcanum wisdom about her relationship with Callum:

L: And it is the same with you. There are parts you keep hidden. Real trust is about accepting even the dark parts we will never know.

By resolving to tell Callum about his stepfather's death, Rayla chooses to show her whole face — a full moon, if you will — and it's not the last time truth is associated with light in opposition with darkness either ("I finally see the truth. I find myself here at these horrifying crossroads because I have followed a dark path"). We even see this in the way the framing at the Nexus changes compared to before Callum knows the truth with Claudia, and after when he knows the truth with Rayla, with Rayla being framed in the light. The truth may be ugly, and Harrow's death darkens Callum's life, but just like each girl's hair being white and black at this point, Callum ultimately chooses Rayla when it matters here the most.

It is likewise not surprising that Callum's understanding of the Moon arcanum ("After all, we can only truly know the appearance itself" "Now you're starting to sound like Lujanne") evolves alongside his understanding of Rayla, knowing better how/what she hides in S3 and what's actually going on.

Then season four comes in very heavy handed with making Rayla synonymous with the moon pretty blatantly in a way she hadn't previously been afforded. Just having Callum looking at the moon is meant to represent his love and longing for her, after all, and she's framed as the moon upon her return as well, literally moving from dark (moonshadow form) to light.

This is a sort of association we've only thus far had given to characters like Janai with the sun. And then they have the association drawn through dialogue, too, just in case the Most Obvious Framing Ever wasn't enough.

Okay, so Rayla is a Moonshadow elf who now has the moon as a potential stand-in for her. Shocking, I know. But put a pin in it as we have one other blatant Moon symbolism thing to discuss, and that's Runaan and Ethari.

Now, the moon itself isn't super prevalent for Runaan and Ethari, per se. They're far more associated with circles/cycles (their family, the pendant, the shape of the lotus pond), weapons, and hearts — their goodbye dialogue for example. We do see two heavy Moon associations for them, though, both of which that is particularly apt for today's meta:

It also worth noting, of course, that neither of these things are exclusive either to Ruthari in the text. The notion of "Guiding Moon" and Ruthari's partnership is a consistent parallel to Rayla and Callum's evolving bond, as well as Rayla giving Callum the necklace with the same sentiments that Ethari did upon giving one to both her and Runaan.

With all that symbolism and setup out of the way, let's get into the biggest speculative question we have to try and answer:

Why is it Moonless?

Now, what you might've noticed in all our symbolism and setup is one main commonality: the moon, while tethered to duality, is usually seen as a more positive symbol than not having a moon. Light, or the light side of the moon, is better than the dark side or it being nonexistent. We can already see undercurrents in this given Callum's arc surrounding darkness ("In darkness, gaze upon a fallen star"): light, or the moon, is a Good Thing—most of the time. If you want more discussion on why Light isn't solely good in the series, check out this meta here.

What I'm getting at here is that Moonless Night almost undoubtedly refers to some kind of dark turn or tragedy. The only question is what/which one, and for that, I have three main thoughts:

1) Luna Tenebris

Luna Tenebris was the Queen of the Dragons after Sol Regem was disposed and before Avizandum (+ Zubeia) took over. She was also queen when humans were expelled from Xadia (known as the Judgement of the Half Moon) and mysteriously vanished circa 4x04's flashbacks, leading to chaos:

However, Luna Tenebris' disappearance is far more associated with a red Blood moon which doesn't bode well for the connection between blood-dark-star magic, and is most obviously associated with the Bloodmoon Huntress, Kim'Dael, as she and her kin were hunted under Luna's reign. So I'm not positing that Luna's death for her personally was a moonless night.

But it might be for someone else, who's been forced to live without her, and who vanishes shortly after she does.

Luna Tenebris' presumably 'unsuitable heir' (maybe the wrong kind of archdragon? Arcanum-less?) bears a striking resemblance to the dragon we see Rayla approaching (attacking?) in the S6 clip from the video game trailer:

We know that he's in a snowy place and we also know thanks to released screencap titles that Callum and — more importantly per the screencap above — Rayla are in snowy place from 6x03 "The Frozen Sea" onwards to presumably 6x05 "Moonless Night" at least, given that I can't imagine they'd always be at the infamous Starscraper (6x04) for just an episode. If Luna's heir is not an obstacle in 6x03 on their way to the Starscraper, facing him could be something they have to do — perhaps he's a nuisance to the Celestial elves or holds something they need, like a glowing crystal — in 6x05, as he's the result of well, a Moonless Night.

This is probably the most abstract of the few we have and the most entrenched in Just Plot (at least phrased/pictured as the above). The other two subsequent theories are much more in vein with an episode focus and/or the title maybe having multiple meanings (the above as well as one of the other two we'll detail down below).

2) Moon Fam Release

I'm prepared to eat my words but honestly, "Moonless Night" doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence for it to be a Moon fam heavy episode—at least not in a happy way. For starters, like I said before, there's all the negative associations with being 'moonless'. Even Ethari's vow amounts to "Myself and my love is with you even when there is no light/goodness/hope in your life." That doesn't exactly feel like a reunion vibe given that Runaan being released from the coins is surely something he will ultimately feel positively about.

Ethari's vow to Runaan is going to be harder to uphold if Ethari isn't there for Runaan's release. If Ethari is Runaan's guiding moon and it's a moonless night, then it doesn't seem like Ethari's there. Of course, he could be. I've speculated for a while that 6x02 will feature Rayla and Callum dropping off the Shadowpaw and making a pit stop at the Silvergrove, giving us a chance to catch up with Ethari; perhaps he'll even come along and has been left out of the (admittedly few) screencaps we have of Rayllum approaching the Starscraper for marketing seasonal secrecy purposes.

Another long held theory though is that whatever Callum has to do to ultimately set Runaan (and everyone else) free from the coins will not end well though.

If Ethari is there in 6x05, that makes me think the Moon fam will get out around the halfway point of the episode, they'll have like one (1) very happy scene, and then almost immediately major shit is going to hit the fan that becomes the focus.

Another add on reason is that I think if Moon fam are released and reunited in S6, the plot reasons behind it are 1) to give Callum a motivation to potentially go 'too far' (too fast?) in his quest to release him, and 2) to have Runaan there to encourage Rayla to kill Callum if/when he gets possessed again. There are many other reasons to love Rayla's parents, there are many other reasons to want them around, but from a structural/plot standpoint of being side characters, I do think that's the purpose they're here to serve in s6, with probably having an expanded role in s7.

For example, if we follow along the line of "Moonless Night" being a release episode with the meaning being largely related to Runaan and Ethari > the main characters, that means it would have to be about either how much Runaan missed Ethari in the coin (which we don't need to see to understand the coin is terrible, we know that) or two, Ethari not being there and Runaan not listening to whatever Ethari would want him to do (maybe not being upset with Rayla or angry at Callum?).

I just can't see an episode like "Moonless Night" ending on a good note for anyone while still having the name of the episode be earned unless we entirely go flashback heavy (Aaravos, Rayla's travels or whatever) or the Luna Tenebris heir route.

With that caveat in mind, I want to talk about what is the most likeliest reason behind "Moonless":

3) Aaravos and Callum

As stated before, the character most accordingly associated with the moon is Rayla. This association has become even more literal into arc 1. I think it's the association next to the Luna Tenebris one that makes the most sense.

While I could perhaps see a flashback or expansion on how she felt during her time away featuring into S6, I would question the validity of doing it at a location like the Starscraper where there is so much feasibly else to focus on in a very unique and special location where we're primed to be meeting new characters (possibly friends and foes from the celestial elves), getting lore drops, and stuff focused on Callum and Rayla's present emotional journeys. Something like that would make more sense on the way to the Starscraper where we're just killing travel time, the same way the S2 flashbacks were reserved for the two episodes where the kids are just stuck on a boat, or in S3 on the way to the Storm Spire.

The other thing that's worth noting is the way that Rayla is framed as the Moon in opposition to Aaravos' darkness. Callum worries he's on a dark path and Rayla reminds him that he can choose to take another way. Callum is gazing 'in darkness' at a Fallen Star and Rayla shows up haloed in light to literally turn him away from it. Like in 2x02, she's seen as the more positive, light side of the moon. And we know without a doubt that she will be at the Starscraper alongside her human fella. We know from S2 and S5 that Callum will go to "dark places" in order to help/protect her.

There's a few different ways this could play out. Maybe Rayla goes off on an agreed upon mini-quest to fetch something from Luna Tenebris' nearby heir to help free her parents, leaving Callum worried and alone at the Starscraper, and he's possessed in the interim. Maybe, as noted in Option 2), he frees her parents at great detriment to himself. Maybe she's threatened because the Celestial elves aren't that friendly or serve Aaravos.

If Callum only 'succumbs' to Aaravos' possessive / coercive control — a moonless night is total darkness — then the removal of light would be a reasonable step on the path to getting there. Threatening or fearing the loss of that light ("But the second you see that elf girl in pain, you completely lost yourself") in order to make it disappear, to let a "dark path" overtake Callum? It'd be a tragedy. It'd be moonless — and it would plunge Rayla's life into darkness as well, fearing that she might have to become the assassin both Runaan — as she carries his bow — and Callum — heart vs duty — have asked her to be.

Conclusion

Like I said, I think there are ways to overlap. Both Option #1 and Option #3 could be paired together if the heir puts Rayla at risk in her journey, or Option #2 and Option #3 if freeing the Moon Fam with all the coins' deep blood magic indicators are taken to the forefront (aka the symbol on the coins matching the symbol on Aaravos' book). It could be none of these things.

If 6x06 is indeed "Moment of Truth" as has been speculated, I'll assume de facto that 6x05 ends with Callum being possessed again (although again, the circumstances that lead to said event could take many paths) in order to nudge Rayla's arc ahead (whether Runaan is literally there or not, though I would probably lean towards yes and Option #2 for 6x05). It'll just be go go go plot and drama wise — and no matter what, I can't wait for it.

[goodobservationshirley]

Your kind was a mistake. Made in mockery. And even if it takes me all of this Age, I vow to eradicate every last one of you. But you shall be kept alive, so that one day, before I drive my dagger into your poisoned heart, I will whisper in your piked ear that all your offspring are dead, and the scourge of your kind ends with you.

[ofswordsandpens]

actually I do want to talk about Sally Jackson a tad more because one criticism I've been hearing about her book counterpart more recently is "book Sally is one-dimensional: the perfect mother with no flaws" and that just has me biting my cheek because one part of her book counterpart that I always thought was ripe with discussion and didn't make it to the show is that Sally states that it was selfish of her to keep Percy close. It's one of the last things she says to him before she's "killed" by the minotaur.

And there's so much that we don't know about Sally because we view her from Percy's eyes. From his perspective we know that she's exceedingly kind, she never raises her voice to him or even Gabe, and she endured a horrible and abusive relationship to protect her son from monsters (of a different kind).

But there are things we can piece together from the text: Sally has known about CHB for a long time, apparently since before Percy was even born because Poseidon told her he wanted to send Percy there; she was told that it was a mistake for her to keep Percy close - who told her that, we're not sure, she only uses the phrase they; she's been in contact with Grover through out the school year; she knows that she can't cross the camp boundary line, which means either Grover or someone else (Chiron? Poseidon?) told her that, and that she understood that there was place that Percy would be safe from monsters.

And all of these little details are so interesting because it does make you wonder just how much she did or didn't know. Was her self assessment right? Was it selfish of her to keep Percy close?

On one hand, she kept him close because she loved him, alongside the fear that if she sent him to camp, she would be saying goodbye for good -- so is it even fair to call the act of keeping him close selfish? Or perhaps, much like Chiron, she assumed keeping Percy in the dark would be safer?

But on the other hand, Percy had been attracting monsters all his childhood, she understood camp was a safe place from monsters, and she had apparently been told explicitly that it was a mistake for her to keep him close.

And then adding in the factors of: Percy is her only family in the entire world, she's been suffering with Gabe for years, sacrificing so much in order to keep Percy safe when he's at home... but even that has a touch of sad irony because when we meet Percy in tlt, its at point when he's not really home at all -- he's been regularly sent off to boarding schools, so much so that he's internalized it as his own short-coming.

And all of this isn't to say "Omg Sally is actually horrible" or to assert definitely that she is selfish... but more to speak to the fact that in the books, she's not an all-perfect 2-dimensional mother. And her self-assessment of selfishness is something that is really interesting to explore and debate given the implications of what she apparently did (or did not) know about the godly world. I feel there's even an argument to be made that Sally being "selfish" could be a reflection of Percy's fatal flaw.

[double--blind]

(SPOILERS) Andrew and plausible deniability, OR: mfer doesn't wanna be held accountable for his actions

This has been churning in my head for a while (I am mentally ill 🥴), but a large part of the driving force behind Andy and his actions is his aversion to blame. He sorta shares this w/Ashley (she's got quite a few rants abt how things aren't her fault), but I believe Andrew takes it just a step further.

I've seen many say this before, but from the start of the game, you'll notice that even beyond normal moral quandaries, Andrew's first objection to any horrific action Ashley proposes is usually a variance of "what if we get caught?". He objects not bc her ideas are ethically repugnant, but bc they could be found out as having done them, and he knows rationally that others know they're bad. This goes as far back as childhood with the Nina incident. He fears punishment and the threat of prison more than he apparently worries about what his crimes might mean for him as a person or what they might mean for the people that might be affected by them (save him and Ashley). This doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilt or have nightmares abt them, but they're not his first priority. Trouble's a pain to deal with, and the dude's low-energy.

In fact, most of his guilt seems largely self-centered. Like, no exaggeration: if it isn't about either him or Ashley (which is, in a way, lowkey also about him), then he couldn't really care less. Do you recall him ever expressing worry or remorse on Nina's behalf? Mourning her? We think Ashley's the one w/empathy issues, but Andrew's in the same boat imo. Self-preservation and self-interest is all that's keeping him seemingly amiable enough for polite society, bc for the most part, he really couldn't be bothered.

In his dreams, the victims of their murders are just bodies: interchangeable, holding no more meaning beyond the fact that they're dead. Any corpse's limb will do to replace the one Ashley cooked—never mind that they may be from different people—bc they're all the same to him. Even Julia, sitting in her dorm room surrounded by evidence of Ashley's harassment, gets no sympathy from Andrew. For the most part, he elects to ignore it all, and regards Julia herself with a detached sorta nostalgia tinged in no small part with apathy.

img txt: You'll never see her again. And the fact that it doesn't really bother you, bothers you.

(The only things of notable worth from her were the colored pencils on her desk, which he promptly takes from her to give to Leyley instead, and isn't that just some crazy symbolism right there?)

His fear of punishment goes hand-in-hand with his desperate pursuit of plausible deniability. Everything he does, he does under certain self-imposed conditions. If it's Ashley's idea and he argues back, it doesn't matter in the end if he goes along with it, bc it was Ashley's idea in the first place. He's just there to make sure she doesn't get them in trouble, bc she needs him, bc he's gotta take care of her. Even if it's not her idea at all (e.g., killing the closet warden, killing the lady in room 302), it's still her fault, bc he did it for her, bc everything he does, he does for her.

Ashley's a manipulative, evil lil possessive gremlin w/a soul as black as tar, and Andy's a doormat, but don't think for a second that part of him doesn't use that dynamic a little to keep from reflecting on what he is. He suffocates under it, but he also relies on it. If there's any sort of plausible deniability available, he'll take it and run with it.

The truth of the matter is that they're both deeply toxic, warped individuals. The difference is that Ashley's owned up to it and quite frankly doesn't care. Andrew hasn't. He's the "normal" one.

Now, for the funky incest part (what we're all here for babyyyyy)—

We've all seen the flavor text abt the bed-sharing by now, right?

img txt: Oh yeah, you tooootally have nightmares as often as you claim.

We know for a fact that aside from some light teasing, maybe, Ashley would have no problem whatsoever with sharing a bed w/Andrew. Heck, she'll coax him into bed (demo) or climb onto the couch with him (ep 2) w/o any prompting from him whatsoever, just bc she feels like it. Andrew, apparently, can't do the same. He doesn't allow himself this intimacy of his own choosing, so he has to lie and pretend to get it if he wants it. He's greedy for her, too, but he can't let himself show it.

If something is sufficiently too intimate in his eyes, beyond anything he can excuse away for some reason or another, then he'll stop himself from doing it. Just like how he wouldn't let himself succumb to the urge of pulling Ashley into his arms to make her smile, but is willing to give her a hug when she asks for it in front of their parents.

He insists on the extra expense of two beds, and then cites his nightmares and panic attacks as the driving force behind crawling into bed w/her, bc then it isn't really his fault now, is it? He tried to stay away, after all. He did! He just didn't have a choice!

Lol

Andrew can't admit to wanting this—buries those feelings and thoughts as deep as he can so they fester and bleed, the repressed idiot—so he gives Ashley all the power to decide how close they get. It's in Ashley's hands. He's free of that hassle.

Which is why the post-sex vision, and Ashley's reaction to it, is so dangerous. @csg-iii made a good point about it in my last post:

img txt: I think the biggest point about "11" is that Andrew asks/begs Ashley for reassurance that it will never happen ("never say never"). It's a subtle admission that if she really wants it to happen, he knows he won't be able to resist his own urges. His only ""hope"" of avoiding going there is if Ashley doesn't want it.

Andrew, in absolving himself of this choice and putting it in Ashley's hands, shoots himself in the foot, bc what if Ashley goes the whole mile? Then the only real thing keeping his desires unrealized was the fact that they had never been voiced as an option before.

He doesn't want to think of himself as someone who'd bone his own sister. Forget being a cannibal, demon summoner, or a murderer; those titles were foisted upon him. This is too close to something real that he carries inside him; this isn't anything Ashley's buried in him, but rather something of his own invention. Something he'll definitely have to take responsibility for.

[writerscall]

i don’t have any specifics but i’d love to see you do a jealous hazel :>

author’s note/s: 873 words. this embarrassingly took me a while to finish but in my defense, i’ve been in a real slump for writing. but this definitely got the momentum back a bit! enjoy hazel not exactly enjoying when someone thinks you’re pretty the same way she thinks you’re pretty.

In spite of the collective fear that the fight club might disband after the game, either by school orders or with all of you growing apart with more and more schoolmates wanting to be friends, it stayed intact. Surprisingly no new recruits, but that was probably why the bond of the club was stronger than ever. You were all there from day one and you all knew everyone still wanted to be there, even if getting punched in the jaw or kicked in the shin still hurt like a bitch.

It meant continuing to have Hazel as an everyday fixture in your life, though, and you weren’t going to complain about that. Or about any of the new friendships you’ve created, of course — especially Stella-Rebecca, whose realization and acceptance that she’s actually a lesbian was a very entertaining sight to see.

“I feel no different, but I also feel like I should be doing something to be more out, you know?” She asks you one day as you’re washing your faces in the locker room after practice. “Like, maybe not go around wearing a t-shirt that says ‘lesbian,’ or ‘i love girls’ or something, but like… should I go shop for a cute flannel later?”

There’s a chorus of no, don’t do that among the burst of laughter, and you hope the look you’re giving her looks more sympathetic than amused. “Lesbians come in all kinds of outfits, Stella-Rebecca. Don’t worry about it.”

“Or, you know, in no outfit at all, I won’t mind,” PJ quips with a shit-eating grin. Josie audibly groans and promptly drags her out of the locker room.

“A top that says ‘i love girls’ would be pretty cute, though. I’d wear one,” you tell her. Hazel comes into view at that same moment, smiling at you knowingly through the reflection in the mirror. Your heart flutters as you smile back. It was no secret that you and Hazel have been participating in a will-they-won’t-they dance for a while now. Everyone — or at least everyone in the fight club — knew about it.

Which was why you found Stella-Rebecca’s next words so surprising.

“Maybe we can go look for one together. I think you’d look real cute in one, too.” She winks at you as she squeezes your shoulder, then says her goodbyes as she sashays away. Huh. You can’t help but smile to yourself in amusement, though it’s immediately wiped off when you notice Hazel staring (rather, glaring) after Stella-Rebecca’s retreating figure.

You turn away from the mirror, saying, “Oh, come on, don’t be like that.”

“You know she’s flirting with you, right?” Hazel grumbles. “While I’m right here. Literally just right here, and then she still goes and does all that. She knows!”

“It’s not… she probably didn’t even mean it like that. Stella-Rebecca’s just very touchy and sweet—”

“I think I’m sweet to my friends too but I don’t go after people who are obviously accounted for.”

Okay, this was serious to her. Not that you had any intention of shrugging it off and letting Stella-Rebecca continue to flirt with you, if she would; you just didn’t think Hazel would take it so personally. She’s known the girl longer than you have and has definitely seen her flirt with other people before to know the difference between her being playful and actually being into it.

Then again, until recently, Stella-Rebecca was only coming on to boys.

You walk towards her, fighting the growing smile on your face as you take her own in your hands. “Your pout is really cute but there’s no need for it. I could go out with Stella-Rebecca after school every day of this week, even spend the whole weekend with her, and I’d still be ‘accounted for.’” Your nose wrinkles a bit at the last part. Hazel could either say the most random things or be strangely articulate.

She sighs, head tilting to the right in your hold. “Am I a horrible person for not liking the idea of you spending so much time with each other? I know you’re friends, we all are, but… I don’t know…”

“No,” you breathe out, rubbing your right thumb across her slightly smushed cheek. “It’s a hypothetical situation, anyway. The most she’ll get of me is one day because we’ve got a bunch of after school dates lined up, remember? We’ve got all those Lego plants to build.”

“The new additions to my botanical collection,” Hazel says, her mood noticeably picking back up. You give her face a gentle squeeze before wrapping your arms around her shoulders instead. Her arms wrap around your waist not a second later. “Yeah, the succulents came in yesterday. I think you’ll really like them.”

You smile at her. “You know I will.”

The feeling of her relaxing in your arms makes you relax too, although she’s still got that look on her face. Well, a different one now; like she was battling between saying something or shoving it down.

“What—”

“You and Stella-Rebecca can get matching ‘i like girls’ shirts, but only if we get matching ‘girlfriends’ ones.”

Oh. Not in a bad way, but still… oh.

There’s a part of you that’s thinking, already? but you’re a little too giddy about her clarifying what she wants — and it being exactly what you want too — to do anything but nod and beam at her. “Whatever you want, Hazel.”

[heartlilith]

Astrology Observations (part 3)

Here are some of my observations and opinions on various placements - Part 3

🖤The Sun in a Solar Return Chart will show you what you focus on the most that year:

🐸 Sun in the 1st house: The focus will be on yourself, your image, your appearance and the way you approach life. You might start working out and becoming more fit, you might experience something that changes the way you look at life, you could change your appearance in some way; getting tattoos or changing your hairstyle. You might focus on putting yourself first and taking care of your own needs.

🐸Sun in the 5th house: The focus will be on romance, creativity, the inner child, and joy. You might prioritize having fun over working or things just seem to work out that way. You might pick up a new creative hobby; painting, writing, creating. You might find that you're around children more often than in past years. You might find that you're content and happy most of the time. You might focus on dating and meeting potential partners or maybe you don't focus on that, but it happens anyway.

🐸Sun in the 10th house: The focus for this year will be on working, your reputation and public image, your father, and fame. You might find that most of your energy is going into building a career or advancing in an existing one. You might receive a lot of attention in the work place (good or bad depending on aspects). You might have a good relationship with bosses and coworkers (again, aspects). You might have a change in relationship with your father, or this relationship becomes prominent in some way. You might get famous on tiktok!

(Should I do separate post on this?)

🖤Moon aspects can reflect what your relationship was like with your mother and how it affects your emotions.

🐸Moon square/opposition Saturn: This aspect makes you prematurely self sufficient. Maybe you couldn't count on your mother for emotional support or maybe she was ill or dealing with things that kept her from being an emotional support system. This aspect would in turn make you hesitant to voice your emotions, it can make you feel uncomfortable with vulnerability or make you side eye someone that puts on a grand display of emotions.

🐸Moon trine/sextile Saturn: This aspect could mean you have a close and strong bond with your mother. Your mother could've demonstrated how to be nurturing without smothering. This could impact your emotions by making you value family and morals. You feel a responsibility toward your loved ones and are a "rock" to them so to speak. For men, you respect women and their struggles. You might believe in traditional gender roles but nonetheless you are respectful.

🐸Moon conjunction Saturn: This aspect could signify that the father (Saturn) was absent in some way which put a lot of stress on the mother. You may have been a burden to her in some way or felt like it. Emotionally, you probably felt like you didn't get enough love or attention. This could impact your emotions by being very observant to what other people need. If your friend is outside shivering without a jacket, you would give them yours without any exchange of words. You're giving them what you lacked; love and attention. You may not trust people easily and you may miss out on opportunities because of your fear of rejection. After your Saturn Return, things can ease up with this aspect.

🖤Neptune in the 11th house natives can have friends that peer pressure them into drinking/doing drugs. Neptune rules things that put you under the influence whether that's anesthesia or other drugs like alcohol, weed, etc.

🖤Moon-Neptune hard aspects can use drugs and become addicts in order to cope with emotions. It can also manifest as being an escapist or being completely avoidant when it comes to emotions. This aspect can be seen in children who run away from home a lot.

🖤Mars - Neptune hard aspects can make you easily deceived regarding sex. Partners can "get you drunk" in order to have sex with you.

🖤Venus - Neptune hard aspects can put up with a lot of shit in relationships that other people might not. People cross your boundaries a lot because they know they can get away with it.

🖤Jupiter is known for being lucky and expansive but it can also go the other way as well. For instance, having Jupiter in the 6th house can make you extremely healthy or extremely sickly, depending on the aspects.

🖤Gemini placements might like the thought of doing something rather than actually doing it. I saw a post that said Gemini placements always carry around notebooks but have they ever filled one? That's what I thought.

🖤Air signs, especially Gemini and Aquarius, are naturally able to think outside the box. For instance, a person may think they only have 2 options and air signs name 5 more options you didn't even think of.

🖤Aries fashion sense is underrated, whether its the sun or rising sign.

🖤New York City being established on January 1st, 1898 .... do you know what sign that makes it ..... it's not a Pisces or a Taurus I'll tell you that. Astrology is real.

🖤Libra Suns and Rising women makes me think of fluffy clothes. Like teddy sweaters and those sandals with the fluff on them (examples x x x)

🖤Leo placements want to be where the sun is, do not take them on a cruise to the Arctic please ... I really wish someone told my boyfriend this

PART 1 - PART 2

[ncis-nerd]

But Daddy I Love Him

ship: older!natasha romanoff x younger!reader. wanda maximoff x natasha romanoff.

warnings: angst, no happy ending, mentions of cheating, older nat, jerk nat, younger reader, wanda is kinda a dick, age gap, arguing, being ignored.

a/n: happy ttpd day!!

"I'm done with being your second choice Natasha. Just because I am younger than you, it doesn't mean you can just go off with other women because you're scared to admit that they are what you are looking for. Someone older, more mature, someone you can relate to" Y/N exclaimed, her small frame against the older women's.

Her green eyes met y/n's gaze which only confirmed what y/n feared. "That's it? You aren't going to say anything?" Y/N spokes as she grabbed a suitcase from the closet.

"I'm so sick of Wanda! Don't think I didn't see all the ways she touched you. Her hands always on you whenever the two of you were together. I'll tell you this Natasha. I'd rather burn my whole life down, Than listen to one more second of all this bitchin' and moanin'" Y/N threw her arms up in protest and huffed.

"Where are you gonna go." Natasha spoke dismmisingly. She doesn't think you'll actually do it. You have no where to go, no one to go to. Her eyes watering at the slight chance that you may be serious.

✦·┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈·✦

Natasha had an award dinner and she asked you last minute to come. It was odd she didn't ask you earlier in advance because they usually know about these things at least 6 months in advance with scheduling and whatnot. But you didn't think much of it. Because you didn't want to accept the alternative.

You came as her date but it sure didn't feel like it. You were the youngest there, all the avengers were at least 10 years ahead of you. It didn't help that your girlfriend left you to fend for yourself, your eyes stuck on her and Wanda. Natasha threw her head back, laughing. Wanda's hand on her shoulder. Their prolonging eye contact. The way they looked at each other. It gave you a bad feeling in your gut but you pushed it away.

No, I'm not coming to my senses. I know it's crazy. But he's the one I want.

You refused to accept it. She said she'd never let it come between you guys. That your age difference would never break you up. She lied. You rose up from the table but no one even noticed, everyone engrossed in their conversation. A stray tear fell from your glassy eyes.

You made your way to the bathroom. Attempting to keep your composure, they already think you're immature, you don't want them to see you as a baby on top on that.

You looked at yourself in the large glass window. You looked at your reflection. Your dress glistened in the light. The door swings open. It's Wanda. Of course she was the one who noticed you missing. Ironic isn't it.

"Y/N" she spoke, her voice filled with fake concern but a hint of guilt. You refused to meet her eyes, not willing to give her that sense of comfort. "Y/N, I'm not going to lie to you just because you're younger than us. I like Natasha. And honestly it feels like she is into me too. There's nothing I can say to make you feel better but I assure you I would never make a move on her while the two of you are together. I promise." Her eyes met yours in the mirror.

"I have money, I know you don't have anywhere to go but if you and Natasha should split, please call me. I don't want to on your own, fending for yourself. I can help you get an apartment or something." Wanda offered.

I just learned these people try and save you'. Cause they hate you

Of course, of course she wants to "take care of you". Because you're the little fragile thing who can't handle heartbreak. She just wants to make a move on Natasha, this is a ton of bullshit. You press your nails into your hand. You smile politely and say a simple thank you. Not wanting to cause a scene and give Natasha more of a reason to leave you.

✦·┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈·✦

Thinking it can change the beat of my heart when he touches me. And counteract the chemistry. And undo the destiny.

Her hand reaches for my shoulder, to stop me from leaving. "That won't work anymore, Natasha. I'm calling Wanda. She offered to help me get an apartment." You spewed out, reaching for the door. It hurt. You no longer called her Natty, the sweet nickname you had gave her when your relationship was in an earlier stage. A simpler stage where you didn't have to question if she wanted to be with you.

You slammed the door behind you, goodbye Natasha.

✦·┈๑⋅⋯ ⋯⋅๑┈·✦

[strlingsav]

CAN YOU WRITE SOMETHING WITH SOAP FOR ME?

Let's imagine that y/n and Soap have been friends for some years (let's imagine high school) and they have had this sexual tension since then.

If y/n know about him being in the SAS? Your choice, I don't even know if it's possible to tell others. But she knows he's a soldier.

So one night, after task force 141 was sent home for whatever reason, they all meet up and y/n goes too with Soap. All the squad notice this tension between the two of them and they tease them. Let's resume it ahahahah they are a bit tipsy and they end up making up while soap is taking her home...and then she invites him over and, you know

I sure can 😇

Longing

– Johnny "Soap" MacTavish x F!Reader

— Your feelings for your friend develop into something more.

Explicit sexual content under the cut. Read at your own risk.

You ran a pair of flat palms over the hem of your blouse, smoothing any wrinkles or folds, inspecting yourself in the mirror. Johnny's voice, calling for your attention, pulled you away from your reflection.

"Sorry," You answered. "You're sure it's okay I come?" You asked, your phone tucked between your ear and shoulder.

Johnny had returned after more than a few months overseas, and so had his teammates. As if it weren't nerve-racking enough to finally see him again, he was pulling you into a last-minute meeting with a group of soldiers.

Your nerves were jumpy, like live-wires running through your limbs, and although you tried to pass it off as general nervousness, you knew it was seeing Johnny again that was giving you palpitations.

You'd been friends for a long time, seen every side of him you could possibly love or hate, and it wasn't until the last few years that you'd finally come around to acknowledging your feelings for him.

It was a silent longing, sitting on your chest anytime you saw him, talked to him, even when he wasn't around. Your judgement told you he saw you as a friend, nothing more, which made the ever-growing feelings that much harder to overcome.

It was undeniably tense, always had been, especially the few times when you'd bid him goodbye as he left for his work trips. The urge to kiss him, finally taste him and savour the dreamt-of feeling of his lips on yours, had been gnawing at you. There was a build-up of heavy temptation, feelings you ached to get rid of before you embarrassed yourself.

You weren't entirely sure how solid your intuition was- whether it was just that you'd known each other so long, or genuine attraction. Regardless, your feelings had fallen to the back-burner when Johnny left over seas the first time all those years ago, and you'd yet to confront them since.

A part of you wanted to believe it was better that way; his deployments were a stark contrast to the happily-ever-after you'd talked about since you were younger. But the larger, less logical, part of you that knew Johnny well would suffer through it just to be with him.

"Aye," Johnny's voice came through the speaker. "Just a few lads gettin' together for a few drinks. Nothin' serious." There was a pause, long enough to notice but short enough to leave you wondering. "And I've missed you."

Your eyes shut, savouring the way his words sounded. He was talking to you- he missed you.

You nodded to yourself, exhaling. It was shaky, full of concern and worry, and Johnny could feel it. He wanted nothing more than to tuck you under his arm, squeeze in beside you on the couch and spend the night with you- only you- but he wasn't entirely sure if you'd be on board.

He liked the way you looked at him, like he was the funniest man on earth, and possibly the most handsome, but he feared he'd put meaning where there was none. He didn't want to read into your touches and soft parting kisses on his cheek, but it was becoming increasingly difficult not to. Especially with just how badly he craved you- nearly always starving for just an ounce more than you'd give.

"Alright. You're there already?"

He could hear you moving, rustling about your apartment as you gathered your keys and wallet. He imagined the same flustered expression he'd seen so many times before, a small grin overtaking his face.

"Aye," He said again, his tone a bit more sharp than before. "Stop worryin' yourself. There's no rush."

"I'm trying," You grumbled, shutting the door behind you swiftly as you headed down to the street.

He grumbled your name softly, a light chuckle moving away from the receiver. "I'll see you soon."

He didn't give you another moment to question him, quickly hanging up. At the same time, you'd hailed a cab and urged yourself to get in without allowing for anymore anxious deliberation.

You stepped inside the bar not long after, your head on a swivel as you desperately searched for the pitch-black hair and ocean eyes that you knew would inevitably find you.

When he laid eyes on you, for the first time in months, he breathed in deeply. His chest was tight with anxiety, too, noticeable by his robotic movements and short sentences. His squad took notice, but they'd already known for a long time that Johnny had feelings for you. It was obvious, he didn't need to say it.

"Reckon that's her that just walked in?" Ghost spoke up, his eyes landing on Johnny who'd stiffened in his seat.

Johnny paid no mind to him, standing from his seat to wave you over.

Gaz chimed in from the corner of the booth, "How'd you tell?"

"Practically droolin' all over the bloody table."

Johnny ignored his ribbing, watching you step carefully toward him, avoiding the other bodies in the room that were reckless and drunk. The smile on your face had loosened his muscles, and when he wrapped his arms around you in a tight embrace, he relaxed into you.

"Good t'see you again," Johnny mumbled against your hair.

"You too," You smiled softly into his chest. "Glad you're in one piece."

Johnny smiled, his hand finding the small of your back as he turned to introduce you to his coworkers. You offered a polite smile, acknowledging the two other men with a soft 'hello' before taking a seat next to Johnny.

He'd taken the liberty of ordering your favourite drink, sitting on the coaster, straw sticking out from the glass. You held back a gracious smile, your eyes meeting his as a show of appreciation when you took a sip.

The conversation between them was entertaining, albeit not entirely understandable given the confidentiality of their work, though the personal anecdotes and light pestering eased your fear of judgement.

Johnny hadn't changed at all- still the outgoing, funny man he left as those months ago, and it relieved you. It was easy to meld into their world, especially once the first impressions were over with.

Gaz turned his attention to you as Johnny rested an arm around your shoulders, his brows lifting with an entertained smirk.

"Johnny's told us quite a bit about you," He interjected. "Feel like I already know you." Gaz's eyes drifted to a Johnny's, who'd given him an icy glare.

"Oh no," You turned your head to meet Johnny's eyes. "What's he told you?"

"Little bit of everything, really."

"Can't get him to the shut the fuck up," Ghost added.

"Piss off," Johnny scoffed.

"Always on about seein' you again," Ghost interjected, ignoring Johnny's command.

Johnny was more than a drink or two away from drunk, but certainly not sober. His cheeks heated up at the mention of how frequently he spoke about you, and though you wanted to believe it was motivated by romantic feelings, you settled for the disappointing notion that it was just the idle conversation he made when he wasn't on duty.

"He is a chatterbox when he's drunk," You nodded, turning your gaze back to Ghost.

"Not just when he's drunk."

You took a sip of your drink, ending the conversation, trying desperately not to fall into the rabbit hole of what-ifs and maybes. You'd been doing it for years now, and it was exhausting. You'd undoubtedly tried to stop, for your own sanity, but it never worked.

"That's true," Your lips formed a tight line, unsure where to take the conversation before it became a source of intrigue for you.

"Enough gosspin', you hens," Johnny scolded, finishing his drink and setting it down with a loud gulp.

You hid a smile, finishing yours and sighing quietly. You checked the time- nearly last call.

"I should head out," You spoke up, clearing your throat as you eyed Johnny.

"Stay for another round," Johnny suggested, his brows furrowing.

You shook your head, "I'm tired, and I'm sure you'd like some time with your friends," You reasoned.

"We've had enough of him," Ghost chimed in. "Take him with you."

You offered a grin, Johnny's eyes narrowing at Ghost before returning to you. He stepped out of the booth, watching you stand before him.

"Let me at least get you home. We can catch up."

"You're sure?"

"Seen enough of these bastards for a lifetime," He teased.

After some polite goodbyes, you walked in stride with Johnny until he opened a cab door for you and slid in beside you.

"Have you talked to your mom?" You asked, your voice louder than intended among the silence of the cab.

"Spoke on the phone a few days ago. She's been pesterin' me to go see her already."

"She misses you," You argued. "She's entitled to her pestering."

"Don't see a lot of pesterin' from you," He quirked up a brow, shifting against the leather seat. "You didn't miss me?"

You rolled your eyes playfully- "I did."

"Hard to believe it."

"Why's that?" Your tone was laced with disbelief, and your eyes glanced to the driver, attempting to lower your voice.

He scoffed, "You've been shyin' away."

"I wasn't shying away," You pursed your lips. "I was nervous."

He knew better than to assume it was because of him- but as your eyes flickered between his, he thought he'd caught a glimpse of longing behind your stone-faced expression. It stoked the fire in his gut that had been burning profusely the entire night.

He shook his head. "You shouldnae pay any mind to Ghost or Gaz."

"They had a lot to say about you," You lifted your head again to find his eyes.

He nodded, "Always takin' the piss."

You tried not to appear disappointed at Johnny's dismissal of their adamance that he'd talked a lot about you. Whether it was true or not, you didn't think you'd ever really know. The lump in your throat was familiar- choking down the feeling of rejection.

The rest of the ride was quiet, with more tension growing between you. Your thigh rubbed against his, locking eyes every few seconds and offering awkward smiles. The air was thick, every moment passing was pure torture as he pressed against you, warmth radiating from his body.

The walk to your apartment door was no different. Unintelligible silence that was brewing a new kind of conversation. You stood outside your door, your eyes meeting for the umpteenth time that night, and Johnny inhaled deeply.

The liquor he'd indulged, combined with seeing you again after months away in less-than desirable conditions made him a bit more susceptible to risky choices. His teeth were nearly chattering as he deliberated whether or not to tell you just how much he did miss you, and wanted you.

He didn't want to lose your friendship- or you in general. If he had to be the one you relied on solely for platonic support, he'd accept it, but he couldn't continue through the unknown without speaking his mind before he lost it.

Watching you, even just as you fiddled with the keys in your hands, made him warm. You made him want to fall to his knees.

He cleared his throat, his hands finding the depths of his pockets as he caught your attention.

"They're not exaggerating," He said. When your brows furrowed, silence following, he continued. "I talk about you a lot. Miss you, a lot."

"I miss you too," You offered, in the most platonic tone you could muster.

He breathed in again, nearly frustrated.

"I cannae get you off my mind," He met your gaze, his eyes vulnerable as he began to unveil the simmering feelings under his skin. "I talk about you 'cause I think about you- all the goddamn time."

Your heart was rushing blood to your ears, utter shock settling in as he finished his last sentence. You were frowning- confused and yet excited at the same time. It was hardly believable that Johnny- the man you'd convinced yourself was just a friend- felt the way he did. The same way you did.

He watched your expression unfold, confusion at first, then your eyes softened, your parted lips closing together.

"You think about me?" You asked, your brows twitching. "What do you think about?"

He nearly laughed. Partially due to the nerves heating his body to an uncomfortable level, and because it was never obvious, to you. He'd been burning to get rid of the weight on his chest, the secret he'd kept for years, the charade he put on when he was with you.

He unintentionally moved in closer, a step in your personal space which forced your back against the door. He stood taller, staring down at you with eyes full of sincerity.

"Everything," He said. He was a bit apprehensive as his hand slid around your waist. "How you smell. Your smile." You were nearly chest to chest, your clueless expression egging him on. "Wonderin' how you taste. What you feel like."

Your breathing increased, rushed breaths of adrenaline fanning over his chest. He had inhaled a deep breath at the mention of feeling you- under him, on top of him, truthfully he didn't care.

"You think of me that way?" You asked.

"Christ," He shook his head, a grin forming. "Man bears his soul to you and you're still askin' questions."

He leaned in, pressing his lips against yours without wasting another moment.

Your body seemed to freeze for a beat, taking a moment to catch up with your mind as you realized he'd kissed you. It was soft and gentle, apprehensive in nature like everything else about that night.

The hand on your waist tightened its grip, pulling you closer when you finally responded to his kiss. Your own hands lifted to his shoulders, wrapping around lazily as he used his other to trap you between himself and the door.

It started light, a bit uncoordinated, testing the waters before they changed to raging waves that sloshed around in your stomach. He tasted like whiskey- smokey and acrid, with alcohol on his tastebuds. He was warm, his hands grabbing whatever part of you they could reasonably hold, desperately pulling you in closer and tighter.

He pulled back shortly after, finding your eyes. "Any other questions?" He teased, a smug grin on his lips.

"Do you wanna come in?" You asked, tucking your lip between your teeth.

He chuckled softly, nodding as you unlocked the door and swung it open. He pushed it closed behind him, yanking his jacket off and letting it fall to the floor as he grabbed your waist.

He pulled you into him again, swiftly lifting you to his hips. You wrapped your legs around him, reattaching your lips to his as he trudged down the hallway to your room, dropping you on your back.

He'd crawled over you, still latched onto him, sliding your tongue against his as he let some of his weight fall onto you. You exhaled harshly against his face, your hands reaching his jaw, pulling him as close as he could get.

His target changed, moving from the plush skin of your lips to the hot flesh of your neck, he left longing kisses to your collarbone.

"You've no idea how long I've been waitin' to kiss you," He muttered against your neck, warm breath fanning your cheek and ear.

Shivers lit up the nerves in your spine, your hands clinging to his shoulders.

"Is that all you've been waiting for?" You whispered against his cheek.

You could feel the smile form over his lips, "Nae."

He lifted his shirt over his head, revealing the physique he'd worked hard to keep from PT into his active service. It made your teeth clench together, taking in the sight of him, following the dark hair from his pectorals to his lower abdomen.

"I have lots o' things I've been waitin' to do to you."

His arms slithered around your thighs, tugging you into his body; you let out a quiet yelp at the sudden movement. His fingers undid the closures of your jeans, sliding them down your legs with ease, discarding them in the dim light of your room.

Your breathing hadn't settled, your head cocking to the side as you watched him crouch between your thighs, licking his lips. You hummed with anticipation.

His calloused palm ran up your thigh, over your stomach to palm your breast. Your chest heaved with excitement and anxiety.

"Take it off," He ordered, glancing up at you.

You met his eyes, snapping back to reality when you realized he was referring to your shirt. Quickly, you tugged it over your head, unclasping your bra before settling on your back.

Your hand inadvertently found the crown of his head, soft fingers running through his hair. He moaned softly, almost a purr as he leaned into your touch. His eyes fell to the lacy fabric of your panties and he sighed.

"Steamin' Jesus- you drive me mad," He groaned, his fingers squeezing around your thighs. "Lie back, doll."

You leaned back, watching with anticipation as he craned his neck, his breath fanning your lower half. His apprehensive tongue found your clit within seconds, causing you to jolt in his grasp. You felt him smile against you, though he didn't allow you time to recuperate as he flicked his tongue against your clit again.

You gasped quietly, tugging gently at his hair, your head falling back as he acclimated to your body and it's reactions.

Every squirming movement, sudden jerk- he held you in place, a strong grip forcing your thighs apart while he devoured you. You hadn't expected the ambition from Johnny, and were pleasantly surprised when he kept you spread open before him, his nose bumping against your pubic bone, his tongue gliding over your clit, his lips surrounding the sensitive flesh of your pussy.

"Johnny," You whispered, broken and whimpering, a show of gratitude.

He mumbled against you, lost in the sweet revelations that were your moans and gasps, your desperate voice begging for him. It was nearly overwhelming, realizing that it was your body twisting in his hands, your sticky skin sliding against his, breathless calls of his name when his tongue made contact with a particularly sensitive spot.

Your fingers pulled at his short hair, urging him to keep going, eyes squeezing shut as you enveloped yourself fully in the moment. It was nearly impossible to keep quiet, sure to anger the neighbours you shared walls with, but keeping silent was the furthest thing from your mind among the warming pleasure descending over you.

Your incoherent moans, echoing off the walls of your bedroom, became more frequent. Your head turning side to side, glancing down at his white knuckles and icy gaze- you fell apart with his head buried between your thighs, his tongue savouring every ounce of slick liquid that dripped from you, and as your pussy pulsated against him, he groaned.

You laid still, regaining your composure, sucking in a deep breath as he surfaced from between your thighs.

"Good?" He asked- though the grin on his face alluded to the fact that he knew the answer already- you'd soaked his face, his lips shimmering with your arousal, red and puffy.

"Good," You confirmed. "Really good."

His eyes blinked lazily, the same cocky grin on his face until you reached for his jeans. Emboldened with adrenaline and blissful excitement, you undid his zipper.

He was Johnny- your friend, Johnny- that you'd known for so long it was almost fate that you'd end up together. But your eyes met in the yellowed glow of the beside lamp, and he wasn't your friend, anymore. The feelings you'd shoved down, pushed far out of reach, had come bubbling to the surface once more.

Your stomach still fluttered with post-orgasm energy, though your mind was focused solely on taking everything he'd offer. His face dropped as your hand sneaked under the constraints of his jeans, dipping into his boxers.

Your hand reached his cock, pleasantly surprised by the feeling of hard flesh, soft and warm. He grunted quietly when your hand ran up and down his cock, exhaling sharply when your eyes met.

"Fuck me," He mumbled.

He leaned forward on his knees, connecting your lips again until his moans forced all the air out of him and he surfaced for a deep breath. His forehead knocked against yours, your lip tucked under your teeth as you watched him squirm in your grasp. His gaze had moved as he watched your hand squeeze and massage his cock, his hands planted firmly on either side of your thighs, weak with effort.

Your name left his lips in barely a whisper, and then his calloused hand wrapped under your jaw to push you against the mattress beneath him.

"Plenty o' time for that later," He said, dropping his jeans past his hips. "I need to be inside you."

"Please," You nodded, urging him to continue.

The silky head of his cock pushed against your clit, gliding down to your leaking pussy before slowly sliding inside you. Your head fell back against the pillow as you acclimated to his cock stretching you out, a guttural moan releasing from your throat.

It was slow and calculated, his eyes locked onto your expressions, only moving when your hips jolted up, your hands grabbed at his shoulders.

"More," You uttered. "Please, more."

A flash of a grin melted the concentration on his face, though quickly dissipated when he met your cervix with hesitation. He reached over you, gripping the headboard with white knuckles.

"Bloody Christ," He grunted. "You're tight, doll," He was breathless, though exerting little effort as he stumbled along, his hips barely moving against you. "And so fuckin' wet," He nearly moaned.

Your hips met his, a flush of heat overtaking your body at his words; he'd teased you before, swore worse than anyone you'd ever met, but the filth coming from his mouth made your lips part in shock.

He settled into a slow rhythm, his hips rutting into yours as you lifted your legs to his sides. Your hands clung to the back of his neck, meeting his eyes with an expression of pure lust and pleasure.

Your eyes shut, basking in the moment, configuring your body in a way that allowed him even deeper. Not a second later, he dipped his head down to your ear, his low moans and grunts against your cheek.

"Look at me," He ordered. "I wanna see you take it."

Your eyes flashed open, finding his amongst the movement.

Your words were choked up by gasps for air, especially as he sped up his pace, grinding into you, fucking his cock deep inside your pussy until you whimpered.

You could only utter his name- quiet announcements of pleasure. Your fingers slid between your bodies to find your clit, lubrication from your pussy helping to glide your fingers in circles around the sensitive bud until you clenched around him.

"You close?" He asked, tilting his head to watch your expression. "I feel you squeezin' me. Cum on it, doll," He exhaled.

He moved even closer, chest to chest, one hand now wrapped around your thigh, the other holding his body weight off of you.

His thrusts were unforgiving, even as your eyes widened and your chest broke with a loud moan.

"Right there," You nodded. "Keep it right there."

"You like it there? Deep in your cunt?" His lips were close enough that you could feel his warm breath on your neck.

"Yes," You whimpered, broken and desperate.

"Knew you'd like it deep- like my cock buried in you," He grinned momentarily. "Don't you?"

"Oh God," You nearly sobbed. "Yes- Johnny, yes."

Your thighs clenched around him, your pussy squeezing his cock as you came. His pace stuttered for a moment, your muscles milking his cock as you froze in place, your head against the pillow, lips parted, eyes glued to Johnny's.

"That's it," He cooed.

He continued thrusting, even when your limbs had liquified and you'd tried your best to hang onto him. You ignored the fatigue in your muscles, pulling him into a long kiss before craning your neck, whispering into his lips.

"Cum in me. Please."

He could've shivered, a chilling statement that made his cock rigid inside you. You were even more wet than before, noisy, messy arousal seeping from you and dripping down to the bedsheets. It was audible, loud- enough to push him over the edge, but your request immediately had him releasing warm cum deep inside you.

He breathed out, a few twitches in his body as his orgasm finished, before he slowly pulled out and laid down beside you. He reached over, tugging you into him before placing a kiss on your lips.

"Shame we hadn't done that a bit sooner," He sighed, earning a short laugh from you.

"We've got plenty of time to make up for it."

[l0ve-dov3]

bedroom floor !

‧₊˚🖇️✩ ₊˚👒⊹♡

luke castellan x demeter! reader

summary: in which luke talks to his ex-girlfriend on a vacation with the senior campers.

warnings: just a naughty word or two :^

word count: 1.3k !

authors note: this one-shot is an ode to the song bedroom floor by sneaky peaches and the fuzz. definitely not sure about how i feel on this one-shot, but i tried my best to tie the ‘hopelessly heartbroken’ vibes of the song into this fic. can’t tell if it worked or not, soooo!

Luke sat in the back of a crowded van, listening to the loud chatter between his friends. It was summer, and the senior campers managed to get Chiron’s permission for a beach trip. This would be great, of course—for everyone needs a vacation sometimes—if you hadn’t broken up with him about a month prior.

It wasn’t exactly bad. You were far too sweet for a angry, heartless breakup like that. But Gods, did he miss you. I mean truly, deeply miss you, and he was hoping by now he’d be over it.

Spoiler, he wasn’t.

Because now, he was pretending to pay attention to Chris, more focused on you singing with Clarisse in the passenger seat.

“And he’s gone. How surprising.” Chris groaned, realizing that Luke was in his own little world. Silena chuckled, seeing Luke’s dazed expression next to Chris’ blank stare of frustration.

As a child of Aphrodite, and friend to the former couple, she often fell victim to Castellan’s bouts of love and sadness. She’d watched him ramble about how gorgeous you looked, wishing he could kiss you the way he used to. But, she had also let him lean on her shoulder, crying into the stars about how he’d follow you anywhere.

On the other hand, she knew how deeply it hurt you to break up with the golden boy. You had only done it out of fear, your recent nightmares pointing to a quest of some kind. You were scared. Scared of how the quest would turn out, and even more scared of how Luke may handle it, so you broke up with him.

You tried to ignore your guilt, but it kept coming back to taunt you. Your plan was to fix that today.

The car slowed to a halt, and the music was turned down, effectively stopping your singing and jumping. Clarisse leaned her elbow on the passenger seat, looking back to her friends with a smirk. “Alright bitches, our vacation has officially begun.”

The car filled with excited cheers, and in a mad rush to get out the car, everyone found themselves basking in the warmth of Jones Beach. The heat was refreshing, in a sense; a reminder that they were out of camp grounds and free to do as they pleased.

Y/n ran off to the edge of the water, her bags long forgotten in her excitement to be near the sea. She stood there, grinning at the waters edge, with a white coverup hiding her swimsuit from view.

“Come on Y/n, show us the swimsuit!” Clarisse whistled to you, earning a soft chuckle as she carried over your stuff. Since the breakup, you and Clarisse had become closer friends, jokingly flirting with each other and pushing each other’s buttons. You’d grown to find comfort in her mask of aggression, knowing that she was a true friend deep down.

“Don’t get too excited!” You yelled back to her, wiggling your shoulders exaggeratively and earning laughs from your group of friends.

As the laughing began to die, you untied your coverup, letting it drop to the ground dramatically. Clarisse and Chris whistled, Silena clapping and hooting in a bout of approval; but Luke sat there, eyes wide with adoration, trying—and failing—not to stare for too long.

You were wearing a light blue one piece, made with a perfect bow in the center of your chest. It hugged your hips comfortably, and he watched as you spun in a circle to show your friends the whole thing.

It was nothing revealing, nor outlandish, it was just such a reflection of you. The sweet, soft, bow-loving girl he always knew.

And he needed you, unlike anything in the world. He needed you now, and forever.

⋆·˚ ༘ *👒

The first two hours of your beach trip were spent splashing each other and swallowing too much ocean water. Most recently, you played water chicken on Silena’s shoulders, with Chris fighting against you on Luke’s. The ravenette spared glances at you every few seconds, making Chris lose to a solid push right to his chest. The boys splashed and laughed in a faux rivalry, throwing random accusations as to why they had lost, and you watched them lovingly as you made your way out of the water.

You decided you wanted to sunbathe for a bit, growing tired of the endless swimming and dunking your friends into the water. Sunbathing was much more relaxing, and it would give you time to read the book you’d been meaning to start.

Watching as you laid down on your towel, Luke slowly stopped splashing Chris. Even he would admit it was creepy, how often he stopped to look at you, but this time he couldn’t help but indulge. His heartbeat sped up with every passing second, wanting nothing but to walk through the sand and be with you. Wanting love. Wanting you. Wanting things to be normal again.

“Chris, I’ll be back in a bit.”

Chris shrugged, already knowing where his friend would go.

The child of Hermes swam up to the shore, anxiously walking up to the spot where you lay. You could feel his presence before you saw him, and your heart tightened as he took a seat right beside you.

“Y/n.” He said gingerly, trying not to let his anxiousness bleed into his words.

“Hey hero.” You sighed softly in return, sitting up to face him properly. You knew that he wanted to talk, and you knew you needed to. You made a mistake in breaking up with him, and he deserved to know. But, just as your lips parted, his own words came spilling out.

“I miss you, Y/n.” He began, taking a deep breath, “You were—and you still are—the best thing to ever come out of this shitty life of being a half-blood. You—You are gentle, and kind, and soft, and I can be slow with you. I can live and love slow with you.”

His words made your heart stutter, your breathing going shallow with the weight of it all. You looked down at your feet, tears threatening to fall, as he rambled about you.

“You are my angel, my flower, my sun and my stars. I would follow you anywhere, Y/n, but I have to know why…” He paused, swallowing any fear left in his stomach, “Why wouldn’t you follow me?”

His final words came out in a solemn whisper, one that made you shiver with guilt at how you’d hurt this poor boy. What you thought would help had only harmed the both of you, and now, you were paying for it; paying for the way he loved you so unconditionally.

“I want to, Luke.” You whispered, tears landing on your towel beneath you.

Luke felt his heart shatter. He watched as you wiped away tears stiffly, trying to hide the way you slowly broke in front of him. With a cautious hand, he reached up to your cheek, caressing it with his thumb the way he always did when you cried. His calloused hand felt like it melted into you, a sensation so familiar that it made you cry harder. You missed him. You missed this, and the way he held you.

So you leaned in, bringing a hand to the side of his neck. He looked into your eyes, tearful and soft, and planted a passionate kiss on your shaking lips. The butterflies in your stomach awoke from their slumber, and your lips molded to his in the same way they used to. You tasted like strawberries and vanilla, and he brought you in further to taste you just a bit more.

“I want to, Luke.” You breathed, “I want to follow you anywhere.”

[hoyowomentournament]

FINALS!!! Furina vs Kiana Kaslana

(Propaganda under the cut)

Furina:

the girl who saved fontaine. condemned herself to a life of silent pain and suffering without any warning or preparation. she could confide in no one, seek out help from no one, all while bearing the weight of her entire nation on her shoulders. not only did her willpower save everyone in fontaine, but after the prophecy was averted, she was finally allowed to live a normal life.

Kiana Kaslana:

TLDR: she's kiana kaslana what do you MEAN!!!! kiana is a beautifully written character who fully encapsulates what hi3 is about and she's so full of love and guilt and (most importantly) hope. she's a clone who struggles with her own identity/inhumanity and traumas extending from when she was a young child and her guilt but is so so resilient and so so so so compassionate which ultimately reinforces her humanity :)

kiana's character IS the honkai impact thesis statement. i don't even mean it as in she's the literal main character and face of honkai i genuinely mean it when i say she just IS honkai impact. she reflects every single theme that they portray [hope over nihilism (chapter 25 || the flame chasers and just. the previous era in general), having agency over your identity and your own story (himeko, her being k423 and being so linked to sirin, everlasting flames || the kaslana household name honestly, bronya, fu hua, mei, sirin), believing in the humanity's inherent worth (chapter 25, arc city || elysia <- important since as a current era herrscher, she is a successor to elysia AND as kiana kaslana, she is a narrative parallel of elysia), having faith in the youth (himeko, kevin || the other flame chasers! notably su), etc.] her character being so reflective is also sooooo OUGH to think about when you view it as a reflection of honkai's 50,000 year samsara because kiana is a representation of these themes coming full circle (especially since many of these stretch back to the previous era and elysia).

SHE FEELS SO MUCH. she's so full of love and guilt. she clearly prioritizes others over herself and part of her arc is her learning to value and love herself as well!!! she would give herself for the world ten times over because she holds so much affection for humanity!! (WHILE FEELING DEHUMANIZED BECAUSE OF HER IDENTITY AS BOTH A HERRSCHER AND K423) and it's actively apart of her character's growth :'')

dear god her growth… okok. so i think first you have to understand that a lot of kiana's growth obviously coincides w general maturity as she grows from a teenager to a young adult. but aside from that i think people often forget that younger kiana is incredibly self sufficient since her father literally left her with little to no explanation when she was like. what 8? the insecurity she feels at that! the anger she has to navigate while also balancing it with her own feelings of missing and loving him. basically: kiana has struggled a lot w instability and is thus kinda good at navigating it. ex: she isnt shaken by nagazora and literally tries again and again and again to save mei and convince mei to let her help. the thing is this fucks w her a bit though because a big thing that she does as a means to cope w instability is avoiding them (not reflective of real life of course, but in the fictional hi3 this is partially represented in kiana's repressed memories about her actual origins as k423). she can not stand the realization that she killed himeko that she's so deep in denial and doesnt truly realize it until more than 10 chapters after himeko dies! she's so horrified with her being a herrscher she actively tries to not use her powers out of fear, even when it puts her in harms way (the chapter XI-EX CG!!!!!! her literally trying to kill herself!!) she literally runs away from her friends and loved ones because she's so scared of hurting them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is why her promise to himeko to not run away is so important!! because it addresses one of kiana's biggest flaws!!!!! this is especially important bc her refusal to continue her avoidance feeds into her arc during the herrscher of dominion chapters where she both faces her own guilt/identity and deliberately chooses perseverance and hope over nihilism!! she is hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[icanseethefuture333]

PAC: Urgent messages from your shadow self 🕷🕸🖤

Please leave a tip if you can $$$

Trigger warning: These tarot cards contain graphic content (gore, syringes, etc.) and in this pac there is mentions of trauma, substance abuse, inner child wounds, etc. The tone of the words will also sound blunt because the shadow self is brutally honest. Viewer discretion is advised.

Pile 1:

Beautiful Liar by Beyoncé & Shakira

Special by Ashnikko

Black Swan by BTS

Four of Fire, Two of Air, & Daughter of Air.

(Clarified by Adjustment)

Your shadow self wants to urge you to find balance within yourself and your life. Perhaps you are someone who is constantly juggling with tasks, hobbies, or responsibilities. You are being a "jack of all trades, but a master of none". You don't know how to multitask and yet you are still trying to do it - why? You are overwhelming yourself. Take smaller steps vs trying to finish everything all at once. You are making yourself sink into this hole of frustation on your own. In the future, you will just make things more difficult if you persist in this charade of yours. Your shadow self is giving you a kick in the butt because you rely too much on charm when you mess up or to get away shit. Also your "white lies" could turn into big lies. If you needed a job per say, this behavior could have you looked down and be seen as unprofessional. There's a lot of visuals regarding the circus. Such as the acrobats or fire tamers. You are talented and witty. Use your wits to find ways to accomplish your goals. I am also being reminded of the scene from Mulan where she unsheaths her swords and you can see her reflection. Perhaps you have a duality to yourself that you are unaware of. You need to look into the lightness and darkness of your soul. What are your light or shadow attributes? Your strengths or weaknesses? Think of what they are and write it down, then create a plan. Once you have decided what to do or how you can make better decisions. You will start to make progress in your journey. The girl is walking on a tightrope with a stick and bowls(?) on her head. This could mean you literally need to "tighten up" which is an expression of handling your business basically. There is birds flying behind her. Your spirit guides and higher self are supporting you as you walk towards your destiny. Be patient and grounded. You will feel proud of yourself in the end and feel grateful you learned this lesson. (Clarifying song: Libra by The Deli) You could be someone with Libra placements or you need to surround yourself with people that are this sign. This could also mean embodying the traits of Libra. They are known for their balance, diplomacy, fairness, friendliness, & charm.

Pile 2:

Assassin by Au/Ra

Cellophane by FKA Twigs

Go To Sleep by Bearson ft. Kailee Morgue

Five of Water (reversed), Seven of Air, & Son of Earth

(Clarified by The Magus (reversed).)

Tsk tsk. You're self sabotaging. What's going on, pile 2? I feel like you're trying to get over past disappointments but things keep crumbling and falling apart in your very eyes. You could be dealing with depression right now or you're avoiding the world because of this fear of yours. You could be laying in bed a lot or sleeping more than usual to cope. Some of you could have gotten rejected by someone you really liked and are thinking the worse as if it's the end of your love life. There's over 8 billion people in the world, it's not the end unless you act like it is. There could be so much abundance ahead of you if you would just stopped being so inconsistent and indecisive. Reflect as to why you're afraid, why are you self sabotaging, why are letting your life past you by when there's a whole world out there ready to be explored? (Clairifying song: NO PROBLEM by Nayeon ft Felix of Stray Kids) Whatever you dealt with is not happening to you right now. You survived baby. Sometimes it's good to be single because you can focus on putting that love towards your own heart. Try to focus on having fun vs finding the "one". You'd be surprised by how many people will be knocking at your door when you realize how much of a catch you are. Also stop comparing yourself to people on social media. Learn to see past people's illusions and understand they only post the positives of what's going on their life because they're scared of being vulnerable or seen as a failure. You are gonna do just fine if you focus on your own happiness.

Pile 3:

Dëserve It by Yeat

I'm Not Sorry by imagine Dragons

Element. by Kendrick Lamar

Three of Earth, Eight of Water, & The Universe

(Clarified by The Fool)

You usin' work and self achievements to cope huh? You're always working so hard to accomplish things, but have you ever took a minute to realize that you are already accomplished even if you don't succeed? (Clarifying song: No L's by Smino) Why do you always need to win? What's so bad about losing? Loss can be scary, but it can teach us valuable lessons in life as well. You fear of being seen unsuccessful, a failure. You don't want to be the gossip in your town, at your job, or family functions. Everything you do, you just work and work. You not addressing the problems in your life. What are you working for? You have money, you have trophies, you have awards, you have a long list of achievements, you have your own place, but that is not healing you. Your valuables are just things. They are not fulfilling you emotionally or mentally. For some of you, you need to stop being a doormat just for the sake of a paycheck or being provided for. This could be someone at your job, school, etc, who is stressing you. Your shadow self wants to tell you to not let anyone make you act out of character but it also gives you permission to put a bitch in check and in their place if needed to. Start setting boundaries. You need to start treating yourself with love and care as if you were a baby. You deserve to be taken care of. Nurture your soul. Nurture your heart. Nurture your mind. If you're not protecting yourself then what is the point? Don't fall into the system of being a worker bee or give into hustling and grinding culture, to the point it's gonna harm your health.

Pile 4:

UNFUCKWITTABLE by Stunna Girl

Team by Iggy Azalea

Player by Tinashe

Ace of Water, Mother of Water, & Eight of Earth

(Clarified by The Star)

Okay so I had to reshuffle for this pile because I didn't take a picture of the first cards I got so I had to redo this, so this is the last spread I finished out of all the other piles. What's interesting is that since it's getting dark I had to turn on my led mirror and use it as a lamp. It was illuminating a light onto The Star card, which I find interesting. A wish fulfillment is on its way. You guys could be manifesting something or reciting affirmations in the mirror. In the song, Stunna Girl keeps saying "I'm a stunner girl" repeatedly, stunner means to be "a strikingly beautiful or impressive person or thing". Stunna Girl has also went viral and become more popular after appearing on the show "Baddies West". You could be growing into your confidence soon and learning to love yourself unconditionally and unapologetically. You could even become more popular or go viral on social media. For some of you, you are healing generational trauma for your female ancestors. They are so proud of you! Or you could come from a family with a lot of powerful, strong, independent women. In a patriarchal society, a woman who is outspoken, knows her worth, and is self assured, is looked down upon because they are less easy to humble and manipulate. Insecure men could paint you as a "bitch" or that you look "mid", to try to humble you when that is just lies. You need to know that you're a bad bitch and that you deserve the best. Your shadow self wants you to stand tf UP! Stop giving a fuck about what other people want you to do or think of you. Make them uncomfortable with your glow up. The women in your family worked and yourself as well have worked too god damn hard for you to sit on your ass and wallow in your tears. You are smart enough, you are strong enough, you are pretty enough, you are ENOUGH. Straighten up your spine and fix your posture. Walk into the room as if you own it. I don't care if you just rolled out of bed with a pair of stained sweatpants and dirty Chuck Taylor's on, you better rock it as if it's designer. Your shadow self will back hand your ass harder than Maddy slapped Cassie from Euphoria if you keep getting in your head and overthinking about shit that's not even that serious. Also, you can have anybody you want, if somebody is stressing you out - Drop their ass and move on. You deserve to be treated like royalty. Stop settling for dust! For some of you, this message could be specific, but your mother is very proud of you or you will be set free from a mother wound. You need to read a book (48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction for example) or head to the books if you are a student. Also in your love life, you will not be getting played anymore, but you will be the player (not talking about breaking people's hearts or cheating, calm down Karen 😮‍💨). You will stop chasing love interests and they will be chasing you. Secure attachment for the win 💪🏽. (Clarifying song: Eat It Up by Kaliii ft. BIA). Eat this shit up, pile 4. All this is yours. You are gonna be living your best life soon. NSFW message but some of you will also feel more pleasure in your sex life and will feel more confident about demanding what you want in the bedroom. People will live to please you. There is a lot of fertility here, so be careful if you are able to get pregnant.

Pile 5:

For The Record by Sophiya

Up All Night by Drake ft. Nicki Minaj

Energy by Beyoncé ft. BEAM

Father of Fire, Four of Air (reversed), & Nine of Water (reversed)

(Clarified by Seven of Fire)

You have a lot of passion, pile 5, but you seem to get burnt out easily when it comes to trying to achieve your desires. There is a goal that you are reaching towards that you so desperately wish to achieve to the point its keeping you up at night and causing you to feel restless. Some of you could smoke, you need to cut that down or quit all togerher because it is making your nerves really bad or making you even more anxious (could cause you to age physically faster as well). Some of you could have been ghosted by someone you fell in love with pretty quickly. Possible love bombing? There is a lot of highs and lows in this relationship. Is this a friends with benefits situation? You could have a crush on someone but you are too afraid to state your feelings, so you use your sex appeal to keep them around. You need to voice what you are wanting out of this relationship because this flame will only last so long if you keep going this way. (Clarifying song: My Strange Addiction by Billie Ellish) there is so much about "fire", "lighters", "matches", "fuses", and "smoke" being mentioned in this pile. Are you guys pyromaniacs 😂? I would hope not, if you are please seek help for that lol. If not, you guys could be drawn to the "fire" as in things that intentionally just burn you in the end. It's almost as if you get off to this toxic behavior but then when it ends, you act unstable. You need to find the courage to stop engaging in behaviors that are bad for your mental, emotional, or physical health. Also be brave when expressing your needs in a relationship, if they agree then maybe you can work it out, if not, then it's time to leave. Some of you also could have an anxious attachment or have a fear of abandonment due to a absent father. You need to do shadow work or talk with a therapist to heal that. Learn to find emotional fulfillment and security within yourself.

Pile 6:

Skinnydipped by Banks

Don't Recall by KARD

Sober by Mahalia

Are you overcoming an addiction, Pile 6? Or wanting to go sober? Either way, I commend you for the strength in wanting to do so, since I know that isn't easy. This could also mean your shadow self wants you to quit doing drugs or drinking alcohol because it is making you act manic. I feel like you were treated harshly growing up or you were left with the "vultures". You could have been neglected growing up and had to learn to survive. You could of used maldaptive daydreaming to cope. Your fantasies gave you comfort in a time of stress and turmoil. I'm so sorry for that, pile 6, but you have to understand you no one is out to get to you. You can choose a new story for yourself. You dont have to be a victim anymore. You are free to start a new life for yourself. Some of you came from abusive households or were put in the system at a young age (either you were adopted or was in foster care). You could have lived in multiple places or went from house to house as a child. Did you run away as a kid? Why were you running, sweetheart? You can stop running now, take a new route. Just peacefully go towards your new journey. There is no need to rush. (Clarifying song by Come Down by Anderson .Paak & They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y) by Pete Rock & C.L Smooth) October is significant for some of you. There is going to be growth and prosperity in your life. You need to take time to nurture yourself and practice some self care. I heard "sprout" so you need to look inwards and have a conversation with your inner child. Can you remember your childhood? Do your memories seem blurry or you can't recall anything that happened? Be kind to yourself and be patient. I know it can seem nerve wracking at first but overtime you will be grateful you did it. Think of your younger self as this seed, if no one watered the plant, gave it sunlight or natural light, or fed it with fertilizer, then you can be the first to make that seed grow. Tend to your garden. This will help you build character and gain optimism. You will start to think "Hey, you know what? Maybe life isn't so bad. Maybe I can be a somebody!" And you will :) ♡ You could also be feeling very nostalgic or reminisce your youth. People could also see your growth and remember as a kid, they are going to be surprised how successful you've become to overcome your hardships. Also try to seek the professional help of a therapist or counselor if you try to unpack childhood trauma, or if you can't remember your past, it can be a sign your brain is possibly blocking you out from remembering something traumatic. Be safe and take care, pile 6 🙏🏽

Pile 7:

Run by SAAY

Monster by EXO

Just A Girl by No Doubt

Nine of Fire, Five of Air, & The Empress (reversed).

(Clarifidd by Son of Water)

Oh my 😃! Wow pile 7, do you hold a grudge against the entire male population or a masculine in mind, it seems? You are acting mad bitter. I feel you have the tendecy to be a misandrist out of the trauma from your past. You feel angry that men can get away with their wrong doings while women are forced to suffer. Ironically, you are still attracted to them. You could be struggling with your divine feminine energy. You are also resenting what it means to be a "feminine". You wish to create this on your own terms. Are you apart of the LGBTQ? or consider yourself a feminist? Maybe even both? If you are someone who is a man or identifies with masculine energy, it could mean you behave feminine in a negative way (as in you "nag" or are too "sensitive"). This also reminds me of Jules in season 2 of Euphoria when she cut her hair, started wearing black, and began to feel comfortable in her androgynous style. Some of you guys are really mixed up emotionally and mentally. Like no offense, I take that back, your shadow self wants to say "full offense" - you are acting crazy. Slow down, take a deep breath, and let it go. You are valid in your pain and your emotions, but you cannot let this world make you bitter. You can't inflict pain onto other people just because you were hurt. You are not a monster, you are not the person who hurt you. Do better and be better than them. (Clarifying song: Close Your Eyes by Kim Petras & The Hills (remix) by The Weeknd ft. Nicki Minaj) I am being reminded of the scene from Doja Cat's Streets music video when she was like this spider crawling on it's web, catching their "prey" (the love interest). You are like a black widow. Beautiful to admire from afar, but dangerous to interact with up close. There is someone who is head over heels for you. You could like this person or are pushing them away out of fear. You could be the type of person who warns people before they fall in love with you (Watch the movie "It's A Thin Line Beyween Love & Hate"). You could have even sworn to never love again (Your shadow self: "bffr" 💀). You need to harness this hatred, anger, and darkness for a better cause. Use your pain as a passion to transform yourself and become someone magnificent. Like a spider, you are resourceful. Use your sources and use your intelligence to begin this new transformation. You're lashing out of fear. You're pushing people away because of your trauma. You deserve to be treated tenderly, you're not some scary creature. You are actually so empathetic, intuitive, creative, sensual, and enticing. A mystery that people want to unravel. You are a going to be a femme fatale in it's purest form.

Pile 8:

By Any Means by Jorja Smith

Feelings by Tinashe

Human by Sevdaliza

Five of Fire, Nine of Air, & The Moon

(Clarified by The Hierophant)

Pile 8, why are you ripping yourself apart to fit into society's pressures and demands? When will you realize that you are beautiful in your own way? I remember when Kendrick Lamar said: "If a flower bloomed in a dark room would you trust it?". Not every flower grows in the sunlight or the spring or the summer. Some grow during the harsh, cold weather of the winters or when everything falls in autumn. You are in competition with no one but yourself and you are not going to win this game if you treat yourself like shit. If you wanna be a winner, then you need to start acting like one vs acting like a sore loser. When things go wrong, you are so unnecessarily rude and hard on yourself. Why is that? Ask yourself these things next time you catch yourself thinking that way. You're not anything of the mean things you say about yourself or what people have said to you. You struggle with your insecurities and cling to what gives you comfort even though you know you want better than this, you want better than what you are currently doing. Why do you stick to the same routine everyday even though you know you want change? Sometimes you have to be uncomfortable so you can be comfortable. You may compare your beauty to other people but you need to realize no one is perfect. You are human, as the song goes. A human with "flaws, veins, scars". Embrace your imperfections. You don't want to look back at your past and regret you never took action on anything because you weren't "pretty" enough. Look past your appearance and look inside. (Life Goes On by BTS) What are you are clinging to, pile 8? Are you holding onto something? You're holding sanding at this point and it's slipping through your fingers, you are stuck in this hour glass, wishing to be released. Time keeps ticking and life passes you by. Break free from the perceptions of time and start living your life to the fullest without limitations, doubts, and fears. Life has its up and downs but you have to learn to find hope in dark times. Seek help from your shadow self or the universe when you are in need of faith. Trust the divine that things will always work out for you, no matter what.

Pile 9:

Let It Out by Rico Nasty

UCKERS by Shygirl

Ghetto Gatsby by Brent Faiyaz ft. Alicia Keys

Two of Love, Three of Air, & Eight of Water

(Clairifed by Ace of Air)

Time to end it with a bang 🤬🥊💥! Did you just go through a break up, pile 9? Whether it was with a friend or partner. You are internalizing a lot that happened from this relationship, honestly, you interalize everything. Your shadow self wants you to let out whatever you're feeling. Scream, shout, yell, etc. It is time to stop turning the other cheek and speak up. You also need to confront something or someone who hurt you. (Clarifying song: Fingers by Zayn & Roman's Revenge by Nicki Minaj ft. Eminem) Ugh this person is so LAMEEE 😒🙄 Once you finally get over this connection, they will want to come back and talk to you about what happened. You or this person could have been writing text messages but never sending them. This conversation will be your chance to gain clarity and communicate about how you felt in your relationship. This will help you move on and also allow you to learn to stand up for yourself.

[mysterycitrus]

the way you write the relationships the batfam have with each other is so delicious to me like AUGHH YOUR BRAIN!!! it’s so good. if you were willing, i'd love to hear more of your thoughts on the relationship cass and jason have / steph and jason (staring at you with my big wet eyes)

i havent read much from any of the characters and have seen large parts of fandom say that they would all get along/they’d be so close/besties, so the ideas i’ve read in your works (wolf king and persephone) are very interesting!!

to put it bluntly — i think they’d fucking hate him.

part of that is, weirdly, people tend to devalue tim’s relationships with steph and cass. like, steph and tim have never been normal about each other. cass and tim spent most of the nineties and early aughts jumping back and forth to each other’s comics. in what world would either of them be chill with the guy who hurt him (and damian) like that?

it also flattens cass’s ideology and steph’s history with bruce’s mission. cass has struggled with engaging with murderers because she’s sees them as herself, and their actions as her own actions. she is reflected in each of them, but she ultimately values life above all else which is why her personal connection to the bat is so interesting. she would not have sympathy or time for jason todd, someone who uses bruce’s mission to hurt others, to take lives, and attack the people she loves. like…. please be serious. she would not be hanging out w the person who was happy when bludhaven got nuked.

same deal with steph— something that really annoys me is when people act as though the “bad robin club” would be a bonding moment between steph and jason. not just because steph has a more developed comic run than jason has, with legitimate obstacles to her getting recognised as a hero, but also because again, this guy is doing the same shit as her dad. why would she like him after he went after tim multiple times? whenever someone draws this comparison i think of this page —

the fact that steph values bruce’s mission, his views on taking a life, despite being at such a profound low point is really important. i can’t believe she’d look at jason and think him admirable.

however!!!! that doesn’t mean their interactions (when reasonably in character imo) can’t be interesting!! having cass and jason interact in persephone was a lot of fun, because making him interact with someone other than bruce or dick puts him off balance. peoples fear of complex relationships with legitimate stakes makes me sad. neither cass or steph have that history with him before death, or that same image of him as a memorial, and it’s a fun thing to explore. specifically this passage from wolf-king —

like yeah!! neither of them would fuck with him!!! let him be the unpopular brother!!

[dracowars]

omg plz do a pt. 2 for the sectumsempra post!!! it can be the reader and Draco in the hospital (they're best friends to lovers) and he's comforting her cuz she really hates the scars that were left and it ends up being angst to fluff! you can also add something that has to do with Draco getting revenge

sectumsempra² | draco malfoy

pairing: draco x reader

word count: 1,1k

summary: where y/n feels insecure about her scars and draco is out for revenge

a/n: again, sorry for taking so long, there are a lot of things happening in rl right now :( second part of sectumsempra!

warnings: angst, cursing, mentions of injuries, mentions of scars

universe: harry potter

“You have gotten quite a hit there, dear. You are really lucky you weren’t subject to the curse for any longer”, Madam Pomfrey casually mentions while examining the small puncture marks left all over your body. “I don’t know what lasting damage it would have done to you otherwise.”

Forcing a smile at her words, you really do not feel like thinking back to what happened. Even though you can hardly remember what happened, you do know that you wanted to help Draco so badly and suddenly you were faced with a pain that was unbearable. All of this resulted in your entire body being disfigured now, the wounds have left scars all over your skin as if you had been pierced by a dagger or sword thousands of times, each time in a different spot. When Madam Pomfrey asks you to change into a new white shirt to cover yourself, you quickly do so.

These scars make you feel extremely vulnerable and when Draco, who has been by your side the whole time after bringing you here, holding your hand tightly in his throughout the treatment, gives you a pitying look, you feel even more insecure about yourself and your body.

You do not want him to see you like this, with all these horrible scars on your skin.

“You should apply this ointment on the wound residue every day until it eventually fades. Unfortunately, there will always be some traces of what you have been through left behind”, the nurse explains before she hands you a tube of the appropriate ointment, which you accept with a quiet thanks. Saying goodbye to her, you make your way out of the hospital wing and into the silent corridors of Hogwarts, which are now lit up by torches on the walls since it has become dark outside in the meantime.

On your way you pursue no real goal, but only silently walk down the corridors hand in hand, simply enjoying each other’s company. Laying your head on Draco’s shoulder and hugging his arm tightly, his stride eventually slows, and you sense that something is wrong immediately, that the silence has made him think.

Tenderly taking your face in his hands, as if you could crumble to dust at the slightest touch beneath his fingers, he looks deep into your eyes, his pupils reflecting not only affection but also fear and anger.

“Don’t ever do that again, do you hear me?”, he finally says firmly, rubbing one of his thumbs along your cheekbone. It almost sounds like he blames himself for you getting hurt when in the end it was solely your own decision to join the fight and help him, protect him. Though you have to admit that you did not plan on almost dying.

“I would do it again every single time. For you”, you softly but sadly smile because you know that your words are true. No matter how awful and unbearable the pain that unknown curse caused you, you will let it hit you every time if it means that Draco would be spared.

“I know, and I hate and love you for it at the same time”, Draco giggles, shaking his head in defeat while realizing that there is no point in arguing with you because, ultimately, he would be doing it the other way around as well. In the future, he will do everything in his might to ensure that you are never harmed again. Not when he can prevent it. Seeing you like this was the worst thing Draco has ever experience and he never ever wants to feel this fear again that he might lose you.

And all this because of Harry Potter.

Just the thought of that bastard infuriates Draco, which is why he quickly lets go of your face in order to clench his fists at his sides, bowing his head to the side at the same time. Immediately reading the change of emotions in Draco’s face, you take a cautious step towards him. He does not even have to say anything for you to understand what he is thinking about at that moment. You just know it and that is why you enclose one of his fists with your two hands, opening it hesitantly.

“He is not worth it.”

“He almost killed you, Y/N! He nearly took you away from me and fled like the fucking coward he is”, Draco suddenly bursts out, but you do not even flinch when he raises his voice and looks at you furiously, but also desperately. “He deserves the worst of the worst. The next time he crosses my path, I swear to Merlin I will-”

“Don’t”, you interrupt him and put pressure on his clasped hand. “You are so much better than him, Draco. So much better.”

Slowly snuggling closer to his chest, you can feel his rapid heartbeat pounding against your cheek. Carefully, you place one of your hands on the spot right above his painfully beating heart and gently stroke over it. For a moment you ignore the scars that smile at you from the skin of your hand.

“You are so much better than him, you need to see that”, you repeat to make sure that Draco really gets what you are saying. Eventually your words seems to have an effect as Draco’s body slowly relaxes beneath you and he wraps one of his arms around your waist, squeezing you even closer so he can fully enjoy your proximity. Especially now that he was not sure if he could ever feel you again.

He knows you are right. However, he can’t promise that he will remember your words the next time Harry Potter crosses his path.

“And you are stunningly beautiful”, Draco whispers softly, running his free hand up your back to your head, which he then guides towards your face. Gently placing his lips on yours, the feeling almost overwhelms him. He does not see how he could ever live without you, or your kisses.

Breaking the kiss for a moment, he takes your hands in his and kisses your knuckles and the back of your hand like a true gentleman, leaving a soft kiss on any scar he finds. While you noticed that something was going on in his mind, he also noticed that something was wrong with you. It took him a moment to realize that you were feeling insecure about the scars that are now covering your beautiful body.

“Never let anyone tell you otherwise, okay? You are beautiful, inside and outside”, Draco admits honestly, a slight smile on his lips as he speaks against yours. “These scars are just proof of how brave and courageous you are. Proof that you will always get back up, no matter what.”

[daughterofthequeen]

A New Diagnosis

Pairing: Joel Miller x autistic daughter!reader

Summary: I have an idea. Joel Miller x daughter!reader, based in the camps they had everyone in after the outbreak(so a couple days after Sarah’s death technically) and the reader is a high functioning autistic who stims. So when they get to the camp and because of all the stress she has been under, it’s causing her stimming to flare up like crazy. So Joel and Tommy had to beg and plead to the soldiers, trying to let them know she is autistic and she wasn’t infected, that she just can’t control her stims.

Warnings: Angst, crying, cussing, stimming(not really a warning but its in the story), overstimulated meltdown, denial, most likely inaccurate chain of command about construction work or construction jobs in general, might be a little ooc Joel in one scene I’m not completely sure but it feels like it and I hate it��😤.

A/N: the reader symptoms and preferences are based on my own, which is also where this idea came from. Ever since the show came out I just wondered what did they do to the people with ticks and stims at the beginning of the outbreak. I mean they eventually had to come up with a way to tell a difference in the beginning of the outbreak before they had the infection detector things, right?

I honestly might rewrite this because I don’t know if I like how this turned out. Usually I’m pretty good at picturing what characters would say in a certain situation, but there’s one part of the fic that I’m not so sure about( you’ll know it when you read it I’m sure). But it’s crazy because I’ve been living like this since the ages of 4 or 5 and it still extremely difficult to describe stimming, even harder writing about it. But I wish I had a Joel Miller parent so I guess I’m projecting a bit in this fic. And this may also be longest fic yet.

So I decided to make this into two parts because I want this posted today because it was supposed to be out yesterday and I don’t want to wait any longer.

Mockingbird (Part 2)

Taglist: @miss-celestial-being @ilovemydinoboi @taraiel @distorted-twink @geralallfandoms @your-shifting-gurl @daemontargaryenwhore @mihstar

What started out as a regular day went to hell in the span of a couple hours. I mean homes being set on fire, families separated, innocents slaughtered due to the fear of a sickness they had no cure for. But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I? Let’s start from the beginning. My name is (Y/n) Miller, and this is the story of how everything went to shit.

I was only 4.

As a kid you’re oblivious to almost everything, but sometimes a child’s behavior can reflect the type of day the family will have whether they realize it or not. And my attitude had been off all that week, until my father’s birthday aka outbreak day. I called it the calm before the storm. That week I was in an overall bad mood. All of my senses had been on high, being overstimulated plus the struggle of always being alone in school. I mean don’t get me wrong I use to talk to some of my classmates, but most likely than not I would’ve been playing by myself either from trying to avoid the bullies or because nobody wanted to play with me in general. But hey, you can’t miss what you’ve never had. I never really understood people, I still don’t but I had my family and they always made everything okay. They never made me feel different about myself. Regardless of me being only four, I understood that the repetitive behaviors were definitely not normal. Along with the what I now know as stimming; physical, vocal, scripting, ticking, etc. I could go on and on about everything that makes me different, but my family had always helped me feel normal. To be honest I didn’t start realizing I was doing all that stuff until one day my dad sat me down and asked me ‘what are you doing’ and ‘are you okay?’, which made me more self-aware. And then there was school, the weird looks and the mean jokes came into play. I’ve rarely caught my family staring, but I knew they were. Growing up and remembering the past helps you realize things you might’ve missed or didn’t understand as a kid. Like the concerned/confused stares I would catch my dad or uncle Tommy giving me before I was diagnosed. I just didn’t know what the looks were for. But the day my father finally decided something was indeed wrong, that it wasn’t just a phase, had him making an appointment to my clinic fast. It was the first time my stimming caused me serious pain. Well, from what I can remember anyway.

July 23, 2002 - Austin,Texas (Y/n is 3 years old)

The day started out like any other. I woke up in my sister’s bed, once I got my bearings I got out of the bed and headed down stairs to see my dad and my sister having one of their many daily debates

“I’m just saying your generations music has nothing on ours- (Y/N)!” After hearing Sarah saying your name, Joel turned around seeing you standing in the kitchen doorway rubbing your eye.

“Hey babygirl. Did you have a good sleep?” He asked as he turned off the stove top and went to pick you up.

“Mhm. I’m hungry, daddy.”

“That’s good because I just cooked your favorite breakfast.” He said as he kissed your cheek and sat you down in the chair across from Sarah, who got the two of you orange juice. Joel then went to grab the plates. There were eggs, sausage, french toast, and he sat a bowl of grapes next to you knowing how much you love them. You all started eating your breakfast. You went straight for the grapes and started eating them, until you spotted something that looked weird to you. Frowning, you push the bowl away and went to the food on your plate.

“Something wrong with your grapes?” Joel asked you noticing the way you frowned up.

“They dirty daddy.” Causing Joel to frown in confusion.

“Dirty? I just washed ‘em.” Joel leaned forward and grabbed the bowl and didn’t see anything abnormal about the grapes. The water in the bowl didn’t even black specs in it that grapes leave behind. “They look fine to me.”

“No. They dirty daddy, look.” Standing in your chair, you leaned over and pointed to a grape with a light brown streak on it and another where it was brown from where the stem was.

“Oh, that doesn’t mean they’re dirty, baby. Grapes just to look like that sometimes or because they’ve gotten older. That’s all.”

“Ew.” You mumbled.

“They’re gonna taste the same.” Joel said as he sat the bowl back down next to you.

“I don’t want them anymore.” You say pushing the grapes away.

“They’re fine, (n/n). I actually think the small brown areas actually make them sweater.” Sarah says trying to reassure her baby sister.

“No.” That was your final statement before you went back to eating the food on your plate.

“Ok, you don’t have to eat ‘em.” Joel states as him and Sarah go back to eating their own food.

———

“(Y/n)!!! Come back here!”

“No!”

“We go through this every time you use the bathroom!”

Sarah was currently chasing you around the house. A daily thing really, but for the last few months you have determined on not washing your hands after using the bathroom. And not with just Sarah. With Joel and Tommy too. Joel usually would have to keep a firm grip on you that disabled you from moving away from the sink, and to keep you from running or flailing your arms around as an attempt to keep him from making you wash your hands.

The first time that happened you guys were at a restaurant. He would be surprised if that whole side of the restaurant didn’t hear you,

“Daddy, I have to use the bathroom.”

“Ok.” Usually he would have Sarah take you but her and Tommy’s food had made it to the table. And since he was still waiting on his, there was no sense in stopping her from eating. He took you out of the high chair, and you two headed to the restroom. After the long process of putting toilet paper on the seat, he sat you on the seat and let you do your business. Once you were finished cleaning yourself up and him flushing the toilet, he waited for you to go towards the sink. But you headed towards the door instead.

“Don’t forget to wash your hands.” Joel said from his spot on the wall he was leaning on with his arms crossed.

Turning towards the sink, you clasped your hands to your chest, letting out a low groan of disgust.

“What is it?”

“I don’t want to touch it.”

“What the sink?” You nodded.

“You have to wash your hands, babygirl. Come on.”

“No.” You whined, and Joel knew then the two of you were going to have a problem.

“Babygirl, please.” He said in a pleading tone and tired tone.

“No!” Joel sighed then picked you up and held you over the sink as he usually would when washing your hands, but this time due to your decision of fighting and squirming in his arms, he had to get a gentle but firm grip on your hands to wash them himself.

“(Y/n).” That caused you to stop in your tracks. The sound was unfamiliar until your mind put together it was your father’s voice. He never says your actual name unless you were in trouble, and even then it would depend. But him calling your name was enough time for Sarah to scoop you up and head to the nearest sink which was the kitchen.

Sarah sat you down after she finished washing your hands. After getting free you pouted and went into the living room to continue playing with your toys before your bladder interrupted you. So invested in what you were doing, you didn’t even hear your Uncle Tommy come in the house.

“What’s for dinner today?” He teased, rubbing the top of yours and Sarah’s head as he passed by each of you.

“I don’t know you’ll have to ask this guy. He was supposed to go to the store but surprise, he didn’t.” Sarah says with a sarcastic smile towards her father who was going through bills. Joel head turned towards Sarah giving a bored look.

“We’re ordering pizza.”

“Fine with me.” Tommy states triggering Joel to role his eyes.

“Of course it is.”

Sarah went upstairs for the book the two of you were reading. To ‘keep her ahead of her future classmates’. While Sarah was upstairs, Tommy eyes trailed over to you, he smiled as he watched you in your own little world playing with your toys while talking to yourself. He watched you for a minute until he saw you stretching your neck. Normally he would’ve thought nothing of it until he realized it was happening constantly. At first they were only seconds apart, then you would stop for a few minutes and start again. There wasn’t an exact pattern, but he caught the rhythm of it.

“Buns neck been bothering her?”

“No.” Joel answered absentmindedly, still invested in the papers he wished he could use as a coaster without consequence.

“You sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be sure?” Joel asked, getting annoyed by the fact he kept getting interrupted with his task.

“ ‘Cause she keeps stretchin’ it like it’s bothering her.”

Joel looks up at Tommy who had a slight worried look on his face. Joel then turns around in his chair to see what his brother was talking about. And true to his little brother’s words there you were stretching your neck and shoulder in a way that looks painful if he’s being honest. Joel turned back around to his brother with an equally concerned look. He leans closer towards him and lowers his voice before he started talking signaling Tommy to do the same.

“I don’t know why she does that, and every time I ask her if she’s ok she tells me she’s fine.”

“Maybe she has a crook in her neck.”

“No, if it was a crook we would know. She would be a lot worse. She tends to panic when she has one of those, and doesn’t do a lot of moving around. To stop the ‘bouncy feeling’. This. This is something else. And it’s been getting more frequent lately.”

“Frequent?”

“Yeah, this started a few months ago. It’ll leave and come back after a few weeks, but like I said it’s been happening a lot more often lately. She does it with her hands and wrist too.”

“Hm.”

Joel turned back towards his youngest. “Babygirl, you okay?” He said in a tone reserved for only you and Sarah when she’s upset about something.

You look up from your toys, bright innocent eyes finding your father’s concerned ones.

“Yeah.”

“You sure? Your neck not bothering you?”

“No.” You replied while standing up from your place on the floor and walked over to your father. When you got close enough he automatically picked you up and sat you on his thigh.

“Then why do you keep rollin’ it around honey?”

“I’m not.” Joel frowned in confusion. He’s clearly watching you do it so, either you’re lying for some unknown reason or you just don’t know that you’re doing it. But he’s always able to tell just by asking one question.

“Are you telling me the truth?” Simple, but it works. It was a question he would ask you every time he would think you were lying. And every time you answer you have a tell. When you tell the truth you tend to answer pretty confidently, but when you lie, you always fiddle with something whether it be your clothes, your fingers, or just bouncing your foot.

“Yes.” There’s no fidgeting. Covering up how even more confused he was in the moment he just nodded in understanding even though he didn’t.

“Ok baby, you want to go back to playin’ with your toys?”

“Yeah.” You replied getting down from your father’s lap before he even had the chance to put you down. Then you ran off to start back playing until Sarah came back down the stairs.

“(N/n), story time.” Hearing that you stood up and headed over to the couch with your sister. Before you sat down you picked up your stuffed bunny, Tommy got it for you when you were two. They used to use it to stop you from crying, but now you take it wherever you go. You laid down across the couch with Sarah and had your bunny in front of you in the same position you were to Sarah. She opened the book to where you two left off and started reading stopping at every few paragraphs to let you read.

Joel watched the two of you, his world. He would never understand how a mother would want to give this up.

“Have you thought about getting her checked out?” Tommy’s voice broke Joel from his thoughts.

“Checked for what?” Joel asked frowning at his brother.

“Joel, are you serious? Something could be wrong.”

“She’s fine, Tommy. She’ll grow out of it.”

“Grow out of it? Don’t you want to make sure?”

“Tommy, please.” Now Joel was lying. To himself especially. But that is understandable, what parent wants to accept that something may be wrong with their child. It was a scary thing to think about.

“What if it’s somethin’ wrong? Wouldn’t you want to get Bun’ the help she needs as soon as possible.”

“She doesn’t need help Tommy. I’m telling you she’ll grow out of it.”

“Joel-”

“Just let it go.” Joel whispered in a hardened tone, trying to keep his voice down so the girls wouldn’t hear that anything was wrong. “Look, would you order the pizza for tonight. I’m trying to finish up these bills.” Tommy mumbled a ‘sure’ and got up to make the call. He understood why Joel didn’t want to talk about that kind of stuff, what parent does? But knowing his stubborn nature he won’t act on it unless something happens that causes him to. After hearing the voice of the pizza lady on the line, Tommy uses it as a distraction to get his mind off his niece and his stubborn mule of a brother.

January 16, 2003 - 6:30am

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Sarah sat up with a soft groan and stretches, when she heard whining. She turned toward her sister who was hiding under the covers.

“Time to get up (n/n).” Sarah was about to stand up until she heard you cry out. She pulled back the covers to see you in a fertile position, hands covering your ears, eyes squeezed shut. “Come on (n/n), we- what’s wrong?” Sarah asked starting to panic seeing a tear fall from your eye.

“Too loud!” Sarah was confused for a second before she remembered the alarm was still going off. She quickly reached over to turn it off, and brought you into her arms. She laid you on her chest, rocking you back and forth while rubbing the top of your head, and she softly shushed you until you calmed down. When Sarah heard your cries turn into sniffles and looked down at you.

“You okay?” She asked softly rubbing the top of your head. She was confused as to why you reacted this way but, whatever the reason, it had her extremely worried. After seeing you nod your head she was able to relax, but she knew she still needed to tell dad about what just happened. Sarah got you up so, the both of you could start your morning routine. Everything went semi-smoothly, but that’s to be expected after your reaction to the alarm clock she’s not all that shocked about your agitated behavior. Sarah had just finished fixing your shirt when there was a knock on the bedroom door.

“Come in.”

“Hey, you girls almost ready?”

“Yep, we were just about to head down for breakfast.” Sarah stood from her kneeling position in front of you, letting you know that she was finished. And after going to tuck your bunny in bed you walked over to Joel.

“Unfortunately, you two are going to have to eat breakfast at school.” He said as he picked you up.

“Ew, why?” Sarah asked.

“Well your Uncle Tommy called and said there’s been an emergency at the house we’re working on so, when he pulls up we gotta go.” He grabbed your book bag and started down the stairs since you had decided to fall back asleep, not that he blamed you if he could he would have too. A minute later Tommy pulls up and surprisingly the Adlers weren’t outside, then again they were leaving a little earlier than usual. But, either way they didn’t have time to stop and talk. Sarah was dropped off first, then you. And it wasn’t until Sarah sat down in her first period class when she realized she forgot to tell her dad what happened this morning.

———

Time Skip

Normally, when school gets out you would ride home with Denise, due to her daughter going to the same school and Sarah’s school getting out 10 minutes after your school does. Then add another 20-30 minutes of her having to take the school bus then the city bus to get home. When Sarah makes it to the neighborhood she has to pass by Denise house to get to yours which is when she picks you up, but today didn’t work out that way. It started when Joel got a phone call from your school.

Joel and Tommy were currently managing the workers that were doing the framework of the building they were working on. Well Tommy was, Joel was trying to keep calm while talking to the construction manger.

“Look all I’m saying is we should be getting paid more since we’re working more hours than what we were told we would be working, don’t you think.” The construction manger has been going back and forth with Joel for about 10 minutes now, way too long for Joel’s liking.

“No, I don’t. Especially since the reason we’re in this situation is because you guys didn’t do your jobs right in the first place. You’re lucky you’re still gettin’ paid the amount that was agreed upon.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that if you and your guys spent as much time working as you do talking and taking breaks you probably would’ve done your jobs right the first time, and we wouldn’t be in this situation, or behind a day.” The manger didn’t take too kindly to that statement, and Joel was so close to losing his nerve until he was saved by the bell, literally. Right before he was about to tell the construction manager that he can stick it where the sun don’t shine, his phone started ringing.

Joel sighed while taking his phone out of the carrying case to see it was the preschool calling much to his confusion. He didn’t even notice the construction manager was still talking.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it up with Tommy.” He said while waving him off and answering his phone. “Hello.”

“Mr. Miller.”

“Yeah.”

“This is Elizabeth, (Y/n)’s teacher. We need you to come to the school.” Joel immediately sighs, dragging his hand over his face.

“What’d she do?” He replies in an exhausted tone. He never gets calls from your schools unless it’s to let him know he needed to bring a change of clothes for you. All the preschoolers have to have an extra pair of clothes that’s to be kept in the classroom just in case the kids have an accident or something. But you’ve been acting out a lot lately, and he wouldn’t be surprised if it was for something like that.

“It may be better for you to come up to the school so we can explain it to you face-to-face.” Joel didn’t like the way this was sounding. It was hard for him to pinpoint the emotion that was coming off her voice, which worried him more.

“Okay, I’m on my way.” He sighed while hanging up the phone. He walked over to Tommy who looks like he actually did tell the construction manager to shove it, going off the look on the of their faces. “Tommy, I need you to watch over everything here for a while.”

“What’s goin’ on?”

“That was (Y/n)’s school, they need me to go up there.”

“Is everything okay with bun’?”

“I don’t know her teacher wouldn’t tell me anything. I’m sure she’s fine, she probably just got into it with a kid in her class again.”

“Okay, call me when you find out what’s goin’ on.”

“I will. Alright I’m off, and make sure they actually do their job correctly this time.”

“I got it, go on.”

After that Joel made his way to the truck. Even though he says he’s sure she’s fine, he couldn’t help but worry about you. The tone of your teacher didn’t sound good at all. She sounded worried. And sad? Were you sick? He could deal with a common cold, but your teachers tone indicated something worse than that. And there has been a deadly virus going around the world, it hasn’t made it to America yet at least that’s what they’re telling everyone. But what if it has made it over seas? There’s no cure for it, and what if you had it? That couldn’t happen, to you or Sarah. He wouldn’t know what he would do if he lost one of you. No. Stop. That’s not going to happen. That would never happen. He hates when his mind gets like this, but as a single father the need to protect the two of you is the most important thing to him, and that makes him worry even more because that’s something he can’t ever fail at, and he doesn’t even want to think what’ll happen if he does.

He gets out of the truck and speed walks towards your classroom. He had gotten into his own head, but there’s something inside of him that’s telling him this is as serious as it feels.

“Mr. Miller.” He turns upon hearing his name being called, seeing your teacher standing in the doorway of the office.

“Where is she?” He asks as he makes his way to her. Once he got close enough he realized the tone in her voice wasn’t sadness, but pity? Why would she pity him, and where were you?

“She’s in the principals office. But! But before you go in we should probably explain what happened and why.” She said stopping him from brushing past her.

“What did she get into a fight with another kid or somethin’?” Joel ask impatiently.

“No-”

“Okay, then it can wait.” He moves to fast for her to stop and walks into the principals office to see you sitting in a chair with dried tear stain down your cheeks. He quickly kneeled in front of you gently grasping your hands in his.

“What’s wrong, babygirl. What happened?”

“I wanna go home.” You mumbled

“Ok, you want to tell me why?”

“Mr. Miller, we really need to talk to you.” The principal finally spoke up motioning to the officer hallway. He huffed as he stood up and followed the principal out, but not before he kissed your forehead and told you that he would be back.

“Okay, what’s so important that you had to drag me away from my daughter, who’s been crying? And why is she crying? I swear if that Richardson kid put her hands on her again-” He was annoyed with everyone at this point everyone besides you obviously, he just doesn’t understand why they couldn’t tell him while he comforted his daughter.

“We’re sorry, Mr. Miller. We just didn’t want to make her think that she was in trouble, we just got her to calm down.”

“So, she’s fine?”

“Physically, yes.”

“What? What does that mean?”

“Ms. Elizabeth?” The principal could he was getting upset so she found it best to let your teacher explain what happened.

“Mr. Miller.”

“Would y’all stop calling my damn name and actually tell what the hell’s going on with my daughter?

“Well (Y/n) has been in an agitated mood all day, but that’s not the problem. Uhm, the kids just got back from lunch about 30 to 40 minutes ago, and after they eat I usually let them have play time before I start their last lesson for the day before nap time. Today during play time (Y/n) had a little outburst.” Elizabeth knew she was beating around the bush, but that’s because she has heard this conversation happen many times with other teachers and parents and most often than not the parents don’t respond to well.

“Little outburst?”

“Well not really an outburst, but more of a meltdown. This is the special needs teacher, Ms. Thomson, and a friend of mine so I know what signs to look out for in a child. And (Y/n) has been showing these signs since the beginning of the year. They can be overlooked especially in girls and be seen as ‘normal’ and in a way it is. For her anyway.”

“What are you talking about? Signs for what?” Joel asked in frustrated tone.

Ms. Elizabeth look over at the special needs teacher to nervous to continue, and to make sure that she’s positive of (Y/n)’s condition. To which her friend responded with a nod.

“We think (Y/n) has autism. And before you say anything, the signs are all there. I’ve been watching her since her first day of becoming my student. And we highly recommend that she be tested.”

“What? She’s not autistic. I think I would know if my daughter had autism. Look at her, does she look autistic to you?”

“Autism doesn’t always have a look Mr. Miller, and just because she doesn’t have a physical disablement doesn’t mean she’ll be any less autistic than someone with one. That’s why we recommend getting her tested to find out how far she is on the spectrum.”

“You sound so sure that, that’s what it is. How did y’all come up with autism from her having a ‘meltdown’? And what do you mean by meltdown?”

“Well after I sent the kids to go off and begin playing I noticed (Y/n) hadn’t moved from the table, she just sat there, covering her ears with tears in her eyes. She had been in that position since they came back from lunch. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me the other kids were being too loud. But before I could offer a solution the students behind us started screaming louder than what they were, which triggered somewhat of chain reaction with the rest of the class, so I turned around make sure everything was ok but when I that’s when (Y/n) ran to the bathroom and locked herself in. I had to send the other kids to sit in a classroom with another teacher. (Y/n) was crying. Sobbing. When I unlocked the door she was sitting in the corner squeezing the sides of her head so hard it looked painful. All to try and block out the world because it was too much for her. It broke my heart to see her like that because (Y/n) is sweetest little girl I’ve ever met, and to see her in pain like, any child, it’s a hard thing to see. I had to wrestle with her a little to keep her from hurting herself, but I was able to get her calm enough to sit her in my lap and have her hold onto me while I called Ms. Thomson, who was able to calm her further until she reassociated with everything around her.

“Pain?” That’s when the special needs teacher finally decided to step in and say something.

“It’s called a sensory overload, Mr. Miller. It’s very common in the Autism Spectrum. It’s when someone on the spectrum becomes to overwhelmed with the world around them, and if they can’t find some kind of outlet from everything more than likely it’s going to cause a break down in one way or another.”

“That doesn’t mean she’s autistic-“

“Mr. Miller. Does (Y/n) walk on her tippy toes?

“Yeah, but all babies do that.”

“How does she act when she is in a large crowd or around someone she doesn’t know.” Ms. Thomson was completely calm while asking these questions. Knowing that getting agitated or saying something wrong could keep you from getting the help you need.

“The same as any other kid.”

“Does she get in mood where she doesn’t want to talk or just can’t talk in general?”

“Ok look, you’re only naming things all kids do.”

“Yes, but like every thing else on the spectrum there’s a line where it occurs more than it should. Let me ask you one more question Mr. Miller.

He doesn’t even reply he only took a breath to let her know he didn’t want to talk about the topic anymore. Still in denial, even after everything they just told him.

“Does she tend to twitch, or repeat her movements? Have you ever seen her stiffen or strain her body?” Joel didn’t even reply.

“Your silence speaks volumes Mr. Miller. Please, get her tested. It will help her make it in a society that wasn’t made for her. Giving her benefits she can use to even the playing field with neurotypicals. Don’t you think she deserves that?” Joel really didn’t want to accept this. Knowing that if you are autistic, you’ll face more difficulties in life. All because you were different. Difficulties you’re already facing, he just didn’t want to admit it.

“What do I need do to get her tested?” Joel asked after his little debate. All he can hope that the test comes out as negative, but that’s a long shot, given the special needs teacher already seems so sure, the test was just to confirm it.

Ms. Thomson who was smiling after hearing his agreement answered him. “Nothing, I already have an appointment set up for her with a neurodevelopmental pediatrician, who is also a good friend of mine. So, as soon as she finishes with the evaluation you will get the results. I just needed your approval.”

“Okay. Uh, thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Is it ok if I take her home?” Joel ask looking towards your teacher.

“Yes, I think that’s the best thing for her right now. Being in her safe space with all her things will help her get some much needed rest. I will write down the appointment information and what you’ll need for the evaluation and put it in her backpack for you.”

“Thank you.” After that Joel walked back into the office to see you playing with one of the pens on the principals desk in one hand and your head laying on top of the other. “Hey babygirl. You want to go home?” He asked as he kneeled in front of the chair, while making sure to keep his voice at a low level. Once you nodded he stood up, gently grabbed your hand, and the two of you went to get your bag and appointment information.

January 20, 2003 - 1:00 p.m.

Joel and Tommy were on their lunch break at a burger place when Joel’s phone started ringing. He cleaned his hands and took his phone out it’s carrying case before answering. “Hello?”

“Is this Joel Miller?” A woman’s voice.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, good. This is Tonia, the neurodevelopmental pediatrician that did (Y/n)’s evaluation.”

“Right, so what were the results?”

“Well, the documents are ready for you to come and get them, and I will break everything down once you get here, if you want.”

“Uhhhh yeah, I’ll be there in about 20-25 minutes.”

“Ok, see you then. Bye bye.”

“Bye. Get up Tommy, we gotta go.”

“I’m still eatin’”

“Tommy, bring it with you. Jesus.” Joel mumbled as he rolled his eyes at his younger brother.

They made it to the building, and Joel was doing his best to remember the way to the correct office while also trying to calm his anxious mind. When they made it to the office, Joel knocked on the door frame of the open door before walking in Tonia’s office.

“Here you go.” She said as she handed the papers to Joel who noticed it was about 15 pages.

“Wha-what am I looking at?” He asked looking up at the pediatric who let out a low chuckle, she gets the same reaction from almost all of the parents she encounters.

“Well first things first, I’ve concluded (Y/n) does have ASD. She is what we call a high-functioning autistic, and I came up with that diagnosis based on her teacher’s observations, your own, and from the activities I had her to do. The evaluation explains everything of what that means in detail like her sensitivity to sounds, her not liking to touch certain things, lack of social skills, etcétera.”

“So, what does this mean for her?”

“Well, she can stay in Ms. Elizabeth’s class, there’s no need to move her to the special needs class permanently. But she does have special education, and all that means is that Ms. Thomson will take her in her classroom to help her find ways to calm herself when she feels herself getting overstimulated. Or if she can’t and Ms. Elizabeth sees she is getting overwhelmed or she tells Ms. Elizabeth she’s getting overwhelmed they’ll send her to Ms. Thomson class or a quiet place for her to calm down. And maybe she’ll even have better luck with making friends in the special needs classroom than she does in her regular class. And education wise it means when she gets test she can go to a different classroom to take it and she’ll be able receive more time on any tests she has to take as well.” She looked up from her notes, making sure she got all the main checkpoints, but when she did Joel’s face told her everything she needed to know.

“Mr. Miller, the worst thing you can do for her is to feel bad for her. There’s no reason too.”

“No reason to? The whole point of this was to make sure she gets the help she needs to keep up with everyone else.”

“No, the reason for this was to make sure she had the help if and when she needs it. Academically (Y/n) is one of the smartest kids in her class, actually in her grade. It might take more effort, but she’s keeping up with her classmates. Some of the worst things you can do is pity her, hold her back due to being overprotective, or use it as an excuse to make her seem more fragile. I’m not saying she’s not going to have challenges because she is, but all you have to do is stay beside and make sure she keeps working at it till she gets it. And stay way from describing her condition as ‘slow’ or ‘retarded’. And you can’t punish her because of her stimming or overstimulated behavior. Not saying that you would! I mean- you just wouldn’t believe how many parents would get agitated and angry about things their child can’t control, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re attentive to her, and that’s something she’s going to need from you growing up.” Joel nodded in understanding still skimming through the evaluation packet.

“Thank you for doing this in such short notice.”

“No problem. She’s one of the sweetest kids I’ve met. And cutest.” That caused a smile to appear on Joel’s face. He hasn’t been able to smile much since Thursday, always thinking about you and the whole situation. Which has been weighing on his mind literally 24/7.

“Thank you for this, you have a nice day.” He said before turning around to leave out the office.

“You as well.” She replied also smiling at Tommy, who smiled and winked back, reaching his goal of getting her to laugh.

Joel barely made through the door before Sarah hit him with a “what’d she say?”

“Uhhh- where’s (Y/n)? And how’d you know she called?”

“She called the house phone first. And (Y/n) is upstairs, I just got her out the tub, which she didn’t like, at all.”

“She didn’t want to get out?”

“No, she didn’t want to get in. But she should be finished putting on her pajamas by now.”

“Ok, go get her and I’ll tell y’all the results.”

“Ok.” Sarah ran upstairs to get you, when you both got down stairs and sat on the couch, Sarah sat on the right side of Joel, and he picked you up and sat you on his lap tucking you into his side.

“How was school today, honey.” Joel turning his head towards you.

“Good. Ms. Elizabeth gave me headphones to put on my ears when everything got too loud again.”

“Did she? That was real nice of her.”

“Yeah. How was your day, daddy?”

“It was really good, babygirl. Thank you for asking.” The smile you gave him made his whole day. He thought back to what the pediatrician said about not pitying you because that’s not something you need from him. Looking at you now he realized she was right. He’s going to do his best to give you what you need. Whatever it may be, and he knows you’re going to grow into a smart and beautiful woman. He reached down and kissed your temple getting laugh out of you, a sound he would never get tired of.

Joel turned his towards Sarah, about to ask her how her day went stopped him before he started.

“My day was fine, the same. What did she say?” Joel paused for a second before he chuckled at her before pointing to the where he sat the evaluation.

“That’s the paper, she gave me that explains everything.” He blinked and Sarah had the papers in her hand, while she started reading he turned back to you to explain everything to you somehow.

“Ok babygirl. Do you remember test you had to take with the lady a few days ago?” After you nodded he continued. “You remember she told you it’s going let us know if you think differently than everybody else?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it turns out you do.”

“Is that bad?”

“No! No, no, no. It’s not bad at all, and don’t let anyone tell you that it is. Ok?”

“Ok.”’

“All it means is some things may be a little harder or more overwhelming to you than other people, but it also means better at other things too.”

“Like what?”

“Like being artistic, and solving puzzles. But it also means you can be smarter than others in your class. You may have to learn some things in a different way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be smarter. You already are. Ms. Elizabeth told me you were one of the smartest people in your grade.”

“She did!?”

“She did.”

“Wow.” You whispered in awe.

“Yeah, that’s a big deal, and daddy is so proud of you. You remember that, ok? No matter how big you get.”

“I promise, daddy.”

“Good. I love you babygirl.” He said, pressing another kiss to your temple.

“I love you too, daddy.” You said placing a kiss on his cheek.

“Awwwww, that’s so sweet. What are we eating for dinner? I’m hungry.” Sarah interrupted and Joel huffed out a laughed placing a quick kiss on her temple as well.

“I’m proud of you too baby.”

“I know, dad.” She said softly smiling.

“How about we go out for dinner? I really don’t feel like cookin’.”

“Fine with me. Come on (Y/n), let’s go put some clothes on.”

“Okay!” You said as you jumped up from Joel’s lap and ran off to catch up to your big sister.

A/n: Long story short the story was too long🤭🙇‍♀️😭 so I decided to split it into two parts. I hope you guys enjoy, sorry I took so long. But I love you guys for being patient, I really appreciate it.

[commsroom]

as an extension of how hera reads as trans to me, hera/eiffel resonates with me specifically as a relationship between a trans woman and a cis man. loving hera requires eiffel to decentralize his own perspective in a way that ties into both his overall character arc and the themes of the show.

pop culture is baked into the dna of wolf 359, into eiffel’s worldview, and in how it builds off of a sci-fi savvy audience’s assumptions: common character types, plot beats, or dynamics, why would a real person behave this way? how would a real person react to that? eiffel is the “everyman” who assumes himself to be the default. hera is the “AI who is more human than a lot of humans,” but it doesn’t feel patronizing because it isn’t a learned or moral quality; she is a fundamentally human person who is routinely dehumanized and internalizes that.

eiffel/hera as a romance is compelling to me because there is a narrative precedent for some guy/AI or robot woman relationships in a way i think mirrors some attitudes about trans women: it’s a male power fantasy about a subclass of women, or it’s a cautionary tale, or it’s a deconstruction of a power fantasy that criticizes the way men treat women as subservient, as property. but what does that pop culture landscape mean in the context of desire? If you are a regular person, attracted to a regular person, who really does care for you and wants to do right by you, but is deeply saturated in these expectations? how do you navigate that?

I think that, in itself, is an aspect of communication worth exploring. sometimes you won’t get it. sometimes you can’t. and that’s not irreconcilable, either. it’s something wolf 359 is keenly aware of, and, crucially, always sides with hera on. eiffel screws up. he says insensitive things without meaning to. often, hera will call him out on it, and he will defer to her. in the one case where he notably doesn’t, the show calls attention to it and makes him reflect. it’s not a coincidence that the opening of shut up and listen has eiffel being particularly dismissive of hera - the microaggression of separating her from “men and women” and the insistence on using his preferred title over hers. there are things eiffel has just never considered before, and caring for hera the way he does means he has to consider them. he's never met someone like hera, but media has given him a lot of preconceptions about what people like her might be like.

there’s a whole other discussion to be had about the gender dynamics of wolf 359, even in the ways the show tries to avoid directly addressing them, and how sexual autonomy in particular can’t fully be disentangled from explorations of AI women. i don’t think eiffel fully recognizes what comments like “wind-up girl” imply, and the show is not prepared to reconcile with it, but it’s interesting to me. in the context of transness (and also considering hera’s disability, two things i think need to be discussed together), i think it’s worth discussing how hera’s self image is at odds with the way people perceive her, her disconnect from physicality, how she can’t be touched by conventional means, and the ways in which eiffel and hera manage to bridge that gap.

even the desire for embodiment, and the autonomy and type of intimacy that comes with it, means something different when it’s something she has to fight for, to acquire, to become accustomed to, rather than a circumstance of her birth. i suppose the reason i don’t care for half measures in discussions re: hera and embodiment is also because, to me, it is in many ways symbolically a discussion about medical transition, and the social fear of what’s “lost” in transition, whether or not those things were even desired in the first place.

hera’s relationship with eiffel is unquestionably the most supportive and equal one she has, but there are still privileges, freedoms, and abilities he has that she doesn’t, and he forgets that sometimes. he will never share her experiences, but he can choose to defer to her, to unlearn his pop culture biases and instead recognize the real person in front of him, and to use his own privilege as a shield to advocate for her. the point, to me - what’s meaningful about it - is that love isn’t about inherent understanding, it’s about willingness to listen, and to communicate. and that’s very much at the heart of the show.