#with my ex I felt the need to change and hide things about myself

[we-made-it-this-far-kid]

The growth from “all I ever wanted was to be enough for you”’to “if I’m not enough for you, you’re not enough for me” is something that can be so personal

[unholyhelbig]

More Wandanat pls 😊

Title: Are you Avoiding me?

Ship: Female!Reader x Natasha Romanoff x Wanda Maximoff

Word Count: 2935

Warnings: pet names, sexual situations implied, broken glass, and horrible spelling (I don't proofread).

Summary: It's becoming harder and harder for reader to avoid both Natasha Romanoff and Wanda Maximoff. Things only get worse when they're cornered in their lab.

[A/n: This is just a little drabble, that's been sitting in my drafts for months, nothing with too much sustinance! I've been distracting myself lately with Wenclair content instead of writing]

Main Masterlist | Read my stuff on AO3 | Leave Requests

There were thousands of mugs with Shield’s logo on the side that floated around the compound, changing hands between agents and the high-ranking Avengers. It’s why you felt less bad about dropping the one in your grasp to the floor. It shattered into dozens of pieces, and the rest of the pale coffee you were drinking seeped out of the wreckage.

“Ow! Why? Why?” Clint’s voice had turned to a growl by the end of his sentence. He had righted himself and gripped his own mug to his chest, leveling you with a glare that was much too vicious this early in the morning.

The words were trapped in your throat and you dropped down behind the kitchen island, pressing yourself close enough to the wood to become apart of the grain. If you could just hide long enough for them to wander away, then all would be well.

The archer glanced down at you, and then back to the hallway that passed the communal kitchen. Natasha Romanoff had her brow furrowed, lifting a sculped eyebrow at him. She had just come back from her morning run, a fine sheen of sweat coating her muscles. He gave her a shrug and that was enough encouragement to send her on her way.

You let out a long sigh at the sound of her footsteps retreating. “Don’t look at me like that, Barton.”

“I can look at you anyway I want to, you’re the one that would rather be on the ground than talk to Natasha.”

It wasn’t just talking to Natasha. It was looking at her too; breathing the same air as her, meeting her fern-colored eyes across the room and ceasing to have a tangible thought pattern. You were an Avenger, for fucks sake, an ex-KGB spy shouldn’t make you fumble the way that you did.

“It’s not that hard, y/n. She’s harmless, really.”

That was easy for him to say. You huffed quietly and picked up the broken pieces of mug before depositing them into the trashcan. Coffee would make you too jittery anyway. So, if you really thought about it, your nerves had done you a favor.

“She’s terrifying.” You said, reaching for an empty glass. You filled it up with tap water and tentatively took a sip. It went down clunky and cold. “And gorgeous.”

“A combination that renders you absolutely useless.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

Clint lifted both of his eyebrows at you, not saying a word. He didn’t have to. And you didn’t need all of this judgement from him in the first place. He had been so scared of Natasha that he couldn’t bring her in, in the first place. He would tell it differently, but you didn’t stick around to find out.

There were other things that you had to do; like a mountain of paperwork and a few modifications to the Vibranium arm that had found its way onto your desk. A cold shower wouldn’t do you any harm either. And if your fingers were to wander? No one would know.

You flashed him the middle finger, abandoning all thoughts of nourishment for the day. Tony kept his labs stocked with bottled water and granola bars after some nagging from Pepper. That would hold you over until lunch and if you started to drift, there were plenty of electrical sources that would give you a low-grade jolt.

Most of the time, you kept your head down, earbuds in even if they weren’t playing music. It was easier not to get caught up in the fanfare of the Avengers. Most of them were human, and they made human mistakes even if they weren’t.

You answered your superiors and fixed any problems that arose with tech and machinery, sometimes even costuming. Those things were simple, cut and dry. Your feelings for Natasha Romanoff and Wanda Maximoff weren’t even slightly that.

There was admiration from afar, and Clint would even say a numbness that clouded your brain completely. That celebrity that all other agents produced around any of the spandex wearing heroes often evaded you.

But each time Wanda stepped through the doors of your lab to get a personal watch fixed, or once, a VHS player that had the scent of smoke and burning plastic. She’d jutted out her lower lip when a copy of ‘I Love Lucy’ was burnt to a crisp.

Despite your meager salary, you had found one at the thrift and set it outside her door without a word. Not a romantic gesture, Clint. You should have seen her face. It was something you’d do as a friend, a co-worker.

Your shoulder collided with something strong, yet soft. There was a small grunt released from the back of your throat. You got a mouthful of the scent of rain and vanilla tobacco. But strong hands were suddenly gripping your forearms, keeping you steady.

Your eyes widened and met with curious hazel ones. You thought you gave Natasha enough time to get back to her room. But here she was, in that tight tank top, sweat drenching the collar. She looked beautiful, the lights overhead hitting her.

Agent Romanoff reached up and pulled one of your earbuds out, letting it hang loose against your chest. “Doctor y/l/n, are you avoiding me?”

“Avoiding?” You laughed with a little too much force, compensating for the lost air by snorting and instantly regretting it. A light blush fell over your cheeks. She didn’t look mad, in fact, she looked quite amused. “No, no. I’m not avoiding.”

“So, what would you call ducking down behind the counter in the kitchen?”

“How did you…”

“I’m a superspy and you’re not exactly subtle.”

Yeah. You’d forgotten about that. She didn’t’ allude to the fact, simply continuing on her way and leaving you to your horrible conversation with Clint. But then she had waited in front of your lab, her own clearance not allowing her past the sliding doors without you in it.

She lilted her head to the side “Don’t worry about it, it’s actually rather adorable.”

The heat against your cheeks started to spread down your neck and to your collarbone. If she noticed, and of course she noticed, she didn’t’ say anything. But she released her hold, and you fought back a whimper of disappointment.

“What can I do for you, Agent Romanoff?”

“Us, actually.” She responded, eyes darting towards the locked doors. “I’d rather talk somewhere a bit more private, if that’s alright.”

“Yeah, yeah, absolutely that’s alight. If this is about the Widow Bites that I redesigned then I can most definitely tweak them. We don’t want you to get a jolt every time you use them. Not that I’m saying you’re not skilled enough to avoid that,”

You kept talking as you swiped your card and it with a beep, walking into the instant familiarity of your lab. There was a coolness there for tactical purposes, but it washed over your heated skin and hopefully took some of the soft color away.

You started to flit around the lab, flicking on all the lights and the different purifiers. There was an experiment that Fitz was working on that needed a rotating heat source and that was turned on as well.

“If we remove the outer panel and with a little tweaking, we can make them non-lethal, heavy with stopping power. They can break up under the sub-cutaneous tissue-“

Again, you ran into Natasha. Her body was so warm and solid, stable compared to the way you buzzed about. The door had slid shut behind you, its frosted glass exterior shielding you from the rest of the world.

This time you didn’t’ rush to apologize, instead you pushed your glasses up to the center of your nose and stared at her in a comfortable silence. “This wasn’t about your widow bites. You said us.”

She nodded at you, suddenly seeming quite shy herself. You’d never seen her avert her gaze before and something about the reaction worried you. Your stomach was doing somersaults, flipping back and forth between pure panic and excitement. This was the longest you two had spent in one another’s space without you bolting from the room.

“For the past six months I’ve been involved in a sexual relationship with Wanda Maximoff.”

“Uh,”

It was the only word that you could muster. Thoughts that flushed your cheeks all over again ran through your mind; bare breasts pressed against each other, lips hungrily clashing, hands raking up perfectly toned muscles. Your eyes were hazy with lust, but you blinked it away just as fast as it had settled. Natasha ghosted a smirk regardless.

“It was purely sexual, we both needed to blow off some steam. I’m sure you know how that is.”

On nights when you needed to ‘blow off steam’, you went into the empty training room and ran for six miles before taking a stark cold shower to loosen your muscles. When you ran, you forgot about the dip of Natasha’s collarbone and the dexterity of Wanda’s fingers.

Now that you thought about it, there were signs that the two of them had something and why shouldn’t they? Subtle touches that led to more. The tenderness in Natasha’s eyes betrayed more. If she hadn’t noticed yet, you weren’t going to be the one to tell her.

“It was fun for a while, a supply closet here, the gym floor there. But going on month seven it’s almost losing its… spark.”

“I’m sorry?” You were cautious with your words, and she giggled, the Black Widow herself was giggling at you.

“I’m not so good at this.”

“You’re good at everything.”

She smiled “Wanda insisted that I come and talk to you first because you’re skittish. Moreso around her than me. She was upset when I told her you let me stay the afternoon in here last week, just watching you work.” 

Each move you made that day was languid. There was a nervousness to you that seemed to vanish when you could open up the back of a monitor and stare at the innerworkings. You were recruited right out of MIT, and though you had been offered more than one job, you jumped at the idea of working in the Stark tower, living here.

She worked her hand through her hair and sighed “see, not so good at this.”

“What exactly is this?”

Natasha furrowed her brow and a small crease formed between her eyebrows in response. You wanted to reach up and smooth it away with the subtle touch of your thumb. That part wasn’t complicated, not like people usually were.

So, you did just that, you touched the pad of your finger to her soft, warm skin and pressed until the tension started to leave her body. Natasha’s fingers wrapped around your wrist and moved your hand until you cupped her cheek. She sighed into the embrace; eyes closed for more than a single moment.

“I want you, y/n.” She mumbled against the palm of your hand, turning it to the side and delivering a single kiss to the pulse point on your wrist. You were sure that she could feel the quickness in which it thrummed. “So does Wanda.”

You were dizzy, suddenly glad for her hold on you. Months, close to a year, you had spent ducking behind counters and taking the long way back to your dorm. They were both stunning to an intimidating degree, to the point where it devastated you.

“Say something, please” Natasha whispered, voice breaking “I know this is a lot and you can absolutely decline. We can forget this conversation ever happened and you can go back to breaking coffee mugs.”

“No! I mean, no. I don’t want to go back to breaking coffee mugs. I think Clint is running a tab, and Mr. Stark isn’t exactly generous with our salaries.”

A grin spread across Natasha’s face. It was like being wrapped in a warm towel after a long day in the rain. You’d do anything to make her smile. You were in down bad, not that you’d admit it to Bird Boy.

She tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. “Can I kiss you?”

You nodded, not trusting your ability to vocalize anything right now. Her lips were on yours, soft and tender. She kissed you slowly, with purpose. The two of you savored the moment, a sigh of extasy escaping you, your arms winding around her shoulders, hers pressing against your spine.

Natasha broke the embrace, staring hazily at you. That cocky smile had turned into a wonderstruck and borderline goofy one. Have you broken the superspy? She’d certainly made you waver. You were effectively rendered silent.

“Oh, sweet girl, how easy it is to fluster you.” Natasha pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. “But I fear that a certain witch is lurking just close enough for you to open the door.”

It slid open on its own with a dejected beep. You glanced down at the pocket of your lab coat, badge still attached. A small pout made its way to your lips but softened when Wanda stalked into the mostly empty lab, you felt your defenses lower.

The remnants of red twirled around her fingers- and god, you didn’t mean to stare, but they held a power to them. With Natasha slotted against your body, the primal scent of her, you couldn’t stop your mind from wandering. Oh, how good they’d feel on your tongue.

A pink blush crept up her collarbone and at the tips of her ears. Wanda raised a perfectly sculpted brow at you. There was no doubt in your mind that your thoughts were loud enough for her to hear them. And somehow, you didn’t mind one bit. You’d never imagine being this bold with either of them, but the kiss with Natasha had left you heady, greedy for more.

“Have you been able to do that the whole time?” You panted out, watching the door slide shut once more.

“Well, yes. But I respect your privacy… to an extent. You have quite the dirty mind, don’t you?”

“I… you… no!”

You pulled away from Natasha, crossing your arms over your chest. If you weren’t careful, your glasses would fog up just by being in the same vicinity as them both. Sure, there had been a few times where you’d let your mind wander; images of Wanda shoving you against the wall, pinning your arms above your head.

Natasha taking you over the lab table that you made sure was meticulous in every single way each night before you left. The thought of them taking control was alluring, tantalizing. You thought all the time, too much about every move you made. You didn’t want to admit that you’d welcome not thinking at all, even if it was only for a few moments.

“You’re a terrible liar.” Wanda soothed.

“That’s why Stark keeps me in the basement.”

She’d gotten impossibly close. You could smell the lavender shampoo that often accompanied her. They were both taller than you, though, not by much. Your breath still hitched in your throat at her proximity. Wanda tucked a piece of hair behind your ear, lilting her head to the side in a way that made your knees feel unstable.

“Is this okay?”

You nodded, and a smile moved across her lips. “You need to use your words, sweetheart.”

“Oh, don’t be mean, Wanda.” Natasha wrapped her arms around your midsection, resting her chin against your shoulder. You felt the incredible warmth she provided, nearly sighing into it. “This is a lot to take in. Baby steps.”

You couldn’t tell which of the two held more control over the situation, but didn’t much care when you felt Wanda’s breath hot against your lips. She closed the distance and you kissed until it stung, until your lungs were begging for air. A desperate noise that you had never made before escaped you when she broke the embrace.

All the while, the calloused pads of Natasha’s fingers were running softly over the expanse of skin between your waistband and shirt. Her touch was so delicate and impossibly warm compared to the coolness of the lab.

Natasha hugged you closer, and you allowed her to. Everything about both women surrounding you screamed control. The darkness that settled over Wanda’s stare made a wetness pool between your thighs. You squeezed them together in an attempt of subtly.

It was like fooling a seer. They could read your body like an open book and you clenched your eyes shut but could still feel the grin that stretched across Natasha’s face in the crook of your neck. It would be so easy to give up control to them.

“Does anyone else have the key to your lab?” Wanda purred, her hand splayed on your chest in a startling grounding motion. Your eyes snapped open, hazy with lust.

You were breathless, stunned. “Just you.”

Wanda’s head tilted, her tongue darting out against her bottom lip. Chills pushed down your spine, Natasha’s hold tightening around your center. You were sure that you’d catch flame right there and wake up from this dream. But neither of them vanished when you blinked.

“Good. What’s your safe word, darling?”

Natasha’s grin was nothing short of wolfish. She squeezed both of your hips possessively, hauling you with a spy’s quickness onto the nearest counter. You nudged a white mug with a SHIELD logo on the front. It fell to the floor, shattered into a million different pieces.

 None of that seemed to matter.

[collapsedglasshouses]

HEAVEN KNOWS I AIN'T GETTING OVER YOU || Joakim Karlsson x fem!Reader

picture found on pinterest

PAIRING: ex-husband!Jolly x fem!reader

SUMMARY: When Jolly visits you unannounced on a Tuesday night, you have no idea what it leads to.

WARNINGS: SMUT [oral sex, female receiving; unprotected p in v], possessive!jolly, ANGST, jolly and reader have a daughter together (y/d/n), MDNI, 18+

TAGLIST: @measuredingold @cncohshit @circle-with-me @jilliemiw86 @justeli6 (If you wanna be added to my taglist in general, leave a comment or message me privately!)

A/N: i wrote this in one sitting and i'm so proud of it that i can't hide it for one second longer. i hope you like it! also this isn't proofread, im very sorry ._.

MASTERLIST

[y/d/n = your daughter’s name]

You thought the hardest thing you had ever done in your entire life was the process of deciding to file for divorce from your ex-husband Jolly, but he had proven you wrong. It was that he had signed the papers without an argument or fight. He had just done it.

It had stung, how he came back from a long tour, saw the papers laying on the kitchen counter and just signed them. It hurt but you also knew it was for the best. That he didn’t fight with you was hard, but it also made it in some ironic way easier.

Since you had a daughter together, he came over only on the weekends when he was home from touring and normally, he’d only pick up your daughter and leave again; not really much conversation going on between you except the necessary small talk. He was a good father and human after all, and you were glad for that.

After some time, routine came back and somewhat everything began to feel normal again. You began to date again, and Jolly seemed to live his life to the fullest. You were happy for him.

That changed when your doorbell rang on a Tuesday evening. You were sitting on the couch watching TV when you heard the sound and for the first couple of seconds you thought about not opening the door. After all, it was almost 8 PM and you were kind of scared there would be someone trying to break in or hurt you, but when it rang again you became curious.

“Joakim?” You asked surprised when you saw him standing there.

“Is it true?” He just asked and looked you dead in the eye.

“What?” You answered him confused. He looked like he hadn’t slept properly since he brought back your daughter two days ago.

“On the weekend, y/d/n said you were seeing someone.” He asked, his tone careful, yet you could sense some sort of hurt in his voice.

“Do you maybe wanna come in before you confront me about stuff that hasn’t got anything to do with you?” You grumbled at him in a sarcastic tone, which he ignored while stepping into the place you once called home together.

He walked into the living room, followed by you. There he crossed his arms in front of your chest and looked at you, disappointed.

“What do you want to here, Joakim? I don’t remember that we agreed to be abstinent for the rest of our lives.” You snarled at him and mirrored is gesture.

“Don’t you think it still hurts that I hear that from our daughter instead of you?” He responded in the same tone.

“I don’t know why you suddenly seemed to care.” You grumbled. “Since you didn’t show any interest in me for… how long is it now? One and a half years?”

“You didn’t even let me explain myself and threw the divorce papers at me. How do you think I feel?” He angrily expressed.

“I don’t even need to tell you this, but there is no other guy. I went on two dates. TWO dates, Jolly.” You answered him while ignoring how his statement stung. You knew it had been egoistic of you, but the months before the divorce, he either wasn’t at home or when he was, he didn’t even look at you. You felt unimportant, unloved, neglected. And now he was throwing around these statements. You wished he had done it earlier. You wished he would have opened up to you. The fact that he only did it because he saw the potential danger of another person in your life, hurt you so much.

Jolly took a deep breath. “I feel like we never even talked about this whole separation.”

“You were the one who didn’t ask when I handed you the papers, Joakim.” You said, your tone a lot calmer than it had been before but you still were angry. You were glad that your daughter was having a sleepover at a friend's house that night, otherwise she would have already been downstairs.

When Jolly didn’t say anything for another solid minute, you sighed.

“Don’t you think it is a bit too late to talk now?” You mumbled defeated and ran a hand through your hair. “I hope you know that I didn’t do that to hurt you. We both know it would have ended way uglier if we dragged it out longer than it already had been.”

You saw how Jolly swallowed hard.

“You know I still love you?” He almost whispered and let his hands fall to his sides. When you looked at him like that, he almost looked broken… defeated. For the first time since what felt like ages, you felt like he let his guard down. Like he wasn’t trying to hide his feelings away.

“I know, Jolly.” You answered him. “And I also know that a part of me still loves you and always will, but we both know that this isn’t going to work. At least not like this.”

He slowly took a step towards you, carefully watching your reaction. When you didn’t look reluctant or took a step back, he reached for your hand and grabbed it.

“I am so sorry that all of this happened. I thought about everything that had happened. Long before the divorce. I know how cruel I was to leave you in the dark. To not talk to you when I needed nothing but your comfort. I thought that I would get through everything by myself.” He told you with honesty in his voice.

“You didn’t have to go through everything alone. That is what a marriage is for, Jolly. I would have been more than happy to help you. I still am if you need me.” You whispered out and looked into the eyes of the man you had and still loved so dearly, and you felt how your heart hurt.

“I always need you, y/n. I need you so bad.” Jolly responded and you saw how his eyes became glossy. Without even thinking you wrapped your arms around his torso and hugged him tightly. You felt how tears started to form in your eyes and it broke your heart when you heard him sniffle for a second.

When you leaned back to look at him, there was this foolish hope in your heart. The hope that you would be able to find back to each other. But your brain knew, even if you did eventually manage to do that, now was not the right time for it.

“Can I kiss you?” Jolly asked and you felt warmth form in your stomach. You knew you should have said no. You knew you should have been strong, but you still nodded.

Your lips met with a ferocity born from years of unspoken words and yearning. The taste of his mouth a bittersweet reminder of everything you had lost.

It felt like you kissed for an eternity and still, when you pulled away, it felt like it wasn’t long enough. You missed him. You missed everything about him, from his small jokes to the way it felt when you fell asleep next to him. He was what made this house a home.

“We shouldn’t.” You whispered against his lips, and he nodded. Before he could even think about letting you go, you pressed your lips against his for a second kiss. This one being much more eager than the previous one.

Slowly but surely, you stumbled towards the couch and soon you were laying under him, lips still connected as if life depended on it. His tongue slipped into your mouth, and you couldn’t help but sigh into the kiss.

It didn’t take long until his fingers curled into the waistband of your shorts and panties. For a second, he leaned back to look for consent in your eyes. When you eagerly nodded, he tugged them down your legs.

He kissed you deeply before lowering himself down your body. You shivered when you felt his breath against your core and not even a second later you felt his warm tongue sliding through your folds. He drew skillful circles around your clit. A wave of warmth washed over you as you moaned out his name and it felt so wrong and so right at the same time. You had missed him so much.

Your hand reached for his and he was quick to intertwine your fingers. Your nails pressed into the skin on his hand as your back arched in pleasure.

“Tell me you’re mine.” He pleaded as he raised his head for a second to look at you through his lashed and you felt like you could come on the spot.

“I’m yours, Joakim. I always will be.” You whimpered out and it was all he needed to hear as his head lowered again.

It didn’t take long for you to feel the waves of your orgasm washing over you, as you screamed out his name. Your vision blurred for a second as you came on his tongue. He kissed the inside of your thighs until you slowly came down from your high, before he came up to look at you again.

You grabbed his face and kissed him with such force, he feared to collapsed right on the spot. You could taste yourself on his tongue and the feeling of the fabric of his jeans against your naked cunt made you shiver in overstimulation.

In a swift motion, he turned you on your stomach and you heard how he unzipped his pants. The next thing you felt was hot kisses pressed to the back of your neck and you sighed in need. You needed to feel him, even if it was the last time.

“Do you have a condom?” He groaned into your ear.

“You don’t need one, Joakim. I’m clean and on the pill.” – “Got it.”

You clenched your fists into the fabric of the couch as you felt him enter you. A delicate burn formed inside of you as he stretched your walls. He was gentle but still you let out a small yelp as he bottomed out in one stroke. The small groan that escaped from Jolly’s lips, let you clench around him for a moment.

“God.” He moaned. “I wish I could stay inside of you forever.”

You moaned as a response.

“I’ll make you mine, even if it’s the last time.” He groaned as he slung an arm around your torso, making you slightly sit on him as he thrusted into you.

“I’ll be yours.” You whimpered and reached behind you to grab onto his hair. You moved in a rhythm as you felt the knot tighten in your stomach for a second time. One of Jolly’s hands travelled between your thighs and began to rub small circles on your wet clit.

“God, Jolly. I’m gonna come.” You almost screamed out.

“I’ve got you.” He breathed out as you felt the intense sensation of your second orgasm rolling over you. You felt how your body slowly lost strength, but you held yourself together for him.

You fell forward, leaning on your elbows as his hands grabbed your hips. Shortly after that you felt how he was twitching inside of you and he let out a loud groan as he finished inside of you, his cum filling you up until it began to drip. He grabbed the armrest of the couch in front of you to not let his weight drop on you as he mumbled out small love confessions.

For a couple of moments, neither of you dared to move. He peppered your shoulder with small kisses while you both tried to tame your breaths. Even though, you both didn’t want to, he eventually pulled out of you and got up, as you slowly laid down on your back.

After a minute or so he reappeared with a washcloth and gently cleaned you up, before helping you up from the couch and to the bathroom to go to the toilet.

After you finished and came back to the living room, he handed you your clothes and you both got fully dressed again, before looking at each other in awkward silence.

You knew what he was going to say, before he could even finish.

“Maybe, I should-…” – “Stay.”

He blinked a couple of times as his eyes lit up.

“Y/d/n isn’t coming back until tomorrow after school. You can stay.” You almost whispered and hoped he wouldn’t leave you in that state. “I want you to stay.”

“Okay.” He muttered and nodded slightly. “I will.”

As the two of you sat down on the couch, a wave of guilt washed over you. This was a forbidden taste of the past that only solidified the painful truth. You were bound by a love that could never be, at least not now…

dividers by @saradika-graphics

[aestherians]

Change and Loss

Word count: 1362

Expected reading time: 10-11 minutes

"If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you," is what I used to say - more as a reassurance than a statement of fact. I mean, how could I know for a fact that it was true? I didn't have any experience with losing a kintype. I still don't think I do; not really. And I always saw the idea repeated in the community - one time otherkind, always otherkind.

But I don't believe that's true anymore. I'm still a bison for sure. I've never doubted that. I'm still Ɐwhrayɐ the gnoll and I'm still Ben the shapeshifter… but I'm beginning to accept that those sides of me have changed.

"One time otherkin, always otherkin. If your otherkinity still serves you, it will never really leave you"… but what if that's not true? What if you still benefit from your kintypes, and they disappear regardless? What do you do if you lose a part of yourself, or if a part of yourself becomes unrecognizable to you? How do you keep living when you've lost yourself?

Sometime in 2023 the distress of always having to hide my true self became too much to bear alone. But I'm not a brave person. I think the better solution would've been to just bite the bullet and start expressing myself, but hindsight is 20/20. I've survived 25 years by hiding everything that makes me 'weird', and the idea of leaving my one dependable survival strategy behind was (is) terrifying. I went to a free self-help seminar ("Take control of your life!") but all it taught me is that I need a dependable support network before I can take control of my life. I went to my doctor to try and get a referral for a therapist (it's cheaper than just finding your own therapist). Instead he sent me to a psychiatrist for my 'delusions'. The psychiatrist told me my experiences, worldview, and self-perception were unusual but not harmful - they could only help if my goal was to get rid of my schizotypal traits (traits that weren't even significant enough to warrant a diagnosis). If all I wanted was to learn how to conquer my fears and express my true self, they couldn't help. It took months of visits to get the diagnosis: Traumatized by peer abuse, too poor to afford my own therapy, and too anxious and ADHD to even find a therapist in the first place.

I can't even say I was left at square one. I had started out hopeful. Nearing the end of 2023, I just felt helpless.

At the same time, my studies were drawing to a close. I completed my bachelor's degree in animal science and all it took was a diagnosis of ADHD so I could legally buy amphetamines, a compound-diagnosis of autism so I wouldn't get kicked out when I inevitably misunderstood exam questions and failed final after final, and 5½ years - almost twice the expected time for a bachelor's degree in my country.

It should've been freeing but instead it left me directionless. Helpless and directionless - that's how I entered 2024!

In the past, in the strictly structured day-to-day of school, my kintypes have been a source of comfort. Especially my Ben fictotype, which probably fell into the category of coping mechanism. I awakened in a time of intense stress and retreated to that world whenever my present life got too much. When crowds got me overstimulated or I missed an important deadline or fought with my neighbors or drifted apart from old friends, I thought about all the times Ben!me had gone through similar or worse. I cut off a friend in my present life after finding out he'd abused his ex - but in my other life I'd cut off a friend who tried to murder me, and things still turned out fine. I lived through it. I could live through it again. Every situation had a parallel in my other life.

I still don't know why that method failed me, but eventually it did. It's not that it didn't work, it was more that I suddenly had to put an effort into making it work. As if I'd always been able to enter Narnia and now suddenly I had to personally petition Aslan to let me back in. It started in the fall of 2023 but it wasn't until spring 2024 that I fully realized. Coping had never been an effort before, and the worst part is, I don't even know why it suddenly was.

My fictotype was drifting away, even when it still served me! This wasn't supposed to happen! Had I been lied to?!

I think our community has a lot of survivorship bias. Whichever mailing lists and newsgroups get archived, and whatever snailmail gets published, that's what our history is based on. The people who made archivable geocities sites get to write our story - not the people on closed forums or in private chat groups. People who leave the community don't tend to leave behind pristine essays on their fully archived websites explaining why they left. It does happen, don't get me wrong, but it's rare. And when they do leave behind messages, it's usually some variant of "I still love the community that fostered my awakening, I'm just an adult with responsibilities now and I don't have time for this."

But what about the people who don't love the community? Who 'unawakened'? Who aren't passionate enough to leave behind a final message? Do we ever hear from the otherkind who 'fizzled out' and became human - or at least lost a kintype?

You can understand my panic, right? I considered turning my fictotype into a copinglink, but my ADHD is so debilitating I barely remember to brush my teeth - no way I was gonna remember to do daily reinforcement exercises. Especially frazzled 2024 me (still frazzled as of June but I'm hanging in there!).

I was forced to accept whatever my come.

I'm still Ben, on some level, but I won't say "I'm thankfully still Ben," 'cause is it really that bad to not be Ben? Even if that facet had served me well and could still serve me? $1,000,000 could serve me well, but uselessly pining after it doesn't serve me.

I didn't prepare myself for loss because I really wasn't sure I was gonna lose a part of me - and, in any case, grieving preemptively is a waste of energy if you ask me. Instead a turned to the Bison - not my own bison theriotype, but the archetype of the Bison. When one woowoo solution fails, why not try another?

The Bison has always been a good teacher to me - better than any self-help seminar or psychiatrist. The Bison takes everything in stride. The Bison survives until it can thrive. The Bison ruminates on the present, it doesn't ponder the future. The Bison doesn't grieve or fret unnecessarily. It exists in the now. I exist in the now.

Of course, the chance that anyone reading this works with the Bison spirit is slim, but I think its teachings can help everyone - regardless of spirituality.

When turning to other worlds doesn't aid you, accept it, and turn to the present world. Let your worries pass through you, you can't see clearly when you're pent up with worry. You can't prevent the seasons from turning, all you can do is turn with them. Accept your lack of control, instead of trying to grasp at the uncontrollable. Sometimes change is unexpected, and you may not like it, and it might not even open up new doors for you. Not all change is good. But you cannot prevent every unwanted change, and you have to keep living regardless.

My fictionkinity doesn't have the intensity of my first few years post-awakening, but it also doesn't have the casual reassuredness of decade-old kintypes. It comes and goes, and when it comes it's like a whisper. And one day it might become too quiet for me to notice. One day it might not return.

But I think I can live with that.

[sunny44]

Marriage (Part 8)

Pairing: Max Verstappen x ex fiancée!reader Mason Mount x Fiancée!reader

Warnings: fights and that’s it

Summary: Max leaves his fiancée y/n at the altar on their wedding day but after years of regretting what he did, by a miracle of fate (or Lando) she appears in his life again.

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

I didn't have the courage to take the test.

It had been two days since the event, and I sat on the bed, staring at a pregnancy test kit, trying to gather the courage to use it.

Mason was at training, and despite being invited by Red Bull and wanting to avoid Max, Mason's media team insisted that attending the Monaco GP would be good for his image.

That was the reason for our trip.

I used the opportunity when I needed to pee and took the test. Once done, I put it back in the box and tossed it into my bedside table.

I spent the day working to distract myself. I only realized it was evening when I felt a kiss on my forehead.

"Been here all day?" he asked.

"Yeah, had a lot of work," I replied.

"Have you eaten?"

"I only noticed the time because you arrived," I said. He chuckled and kissed my forehead again.

"Well, then I'll get something for us to eat, and you stay right there."

I continued working until he left, only stopping when he returned and we had dinner.

After we finished, we went to the bedroom. I took a shower while he got ready to sleep.

"Love, can I borrow your charger? Can't find mine." he asked.

"Sure, it's in my bedside table, first drawer." I shouted back.

After drying my hair, doing my skincare and getting dressed, I went to the room. Mason was sitting on the bed with a paper in hand and a displeased expression.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Mind explaining what this is?" He stood up and practically threw the paper at me.

It was the letter.

I took a deep breath, realizing Mason had found the letter. The atmosphere in the room shifted, filled with unspoken tension.

"Mason, I..." I began, but he interrupted.

"Just explain what the hell this is." he insisted, eyes fixed on the letter.

I walked over, took the paper, and glanced at the content. I hadn't read it since he handed it to me. It probably contained words and apologies Max wanted me to know, and my heart raced.

"It's a letter." I stated the obvious, trying to buy time to gather my thoughts.

"I can see that." he replied with a touch of frustration. "But it's a letter apologizing and also a letter saying he still loves you."

Taking another deep breath, I decided to be honest.

"Max wrote this letter to me some time ago."

"How long ago?"

"Do you remember when I told you I became friends with Lando?" He nodded. "We hung out that time because he insisted on introducing me to his best friends that ended up being Max and Daniel."

"What does that have to do with the letter?" He asked, frustrated.

"After the party that he introduced us he talked to Lando about what happened. He made him help him meet me to apologize. So, he said he wrote this letter and handed it to me, but I didn't have the courage to open it."

"And why did you keep it?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe one day I'd have the courage to read it and that’s why I kept it. Perhaps I felt I needed a reminder of how things were before."

His expression changed from frustration to anger.

"You kept a letter from your ex in our house? Are you serious?"

"I was unsure what to do with it and couldn't bring myself to throw it away, so I kept it. It's a piece of the past I kept hidden."

"Why hide it, then? Why keep secrets from me?" Mason's frustration grew. "You lied again about this. Not long ago, you argued with me for defending you and then you do this, keeping his things."

"I thought I could handle it on my own. I didn't want to burden you with my past." I explained.

He sighed, clearly upset.

"Y/n, we promised transparency. Keeping something like this from me... hurts."

"I'm sorry, Mason. I should have told you about this and I know this now." I admitted, feeling a pang of guilt.

"But it's always going to be like this, isn't it? You lie to me about him, and it makes me think you still love him even after he left you at the altar like an idiot," he said angrily. "You were supposed to tell me about him years ago and then when I found out on the internet I’ve try to be cool with it because I saw how much it hurts you, even if I was angry that you e lied to me. And now this, im your fiancé and u was supposed to be the one you trust to tell me this things but apparently lying to me it’s easier for you.

“I’m sorry.”

“I honestly don't know if I can still do this."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know if I can marry you." I felt tears fill my eyes. "I don't know if I can marry someone who lies to me."

"Mason, I..."

"I need some time." He left the room, leaving me there alone.

Bonus scene!

Yourusername Instagram stories

“So much work that I’m starting to get crazy”

Taglist: @ironmaiden1313 @dudenhaaa27 @christianpulisic10 @gaslysainz @fanboyluvr @urgirlceci @justdreamersdream @aundercoverosh @newlifeforus @depressedriches @topguncultleader @luvrrish @tyna-19 @esposadomd @formulas-bitch

[pekkhum]

Are you trans yourself or is it just your daughter? :0

And in any case, how is her transition going so far?

Sending much love <3

I think this will be more fun to answer via story time and the long mode answer:

Around the time of my 37th birthday I started seeing a couple incredibly hilarious and relatable memes about being trans go by on my feed. They were just so great that I found myself seeking out more and learning to understand trans folk more and more. I kept wanting to comment and holding myself back, because, of course I'm not trans, I just feel all the things trans women feel all the time and have struggled with those feelings since I was very, very young. Still cis, though.

There was eventually a day when the dam broke and I admitted online that I am trans, but it was three days later, while reading about internalized transphobia, that it all hit home. I had myself a nice little fit about how I didn't want to be trans, not because it is bad, but because the world makes life suck for trans people. (Actually, 6 months before, in the most egg moment ever, I told a woman that I had been thinking about how hard life as a transgender lesbian would be and that it would be much easier to be a straight guy. I was wrong for reasons most trans folk can guess.)

That day, I sat my child down to explain that I've realized that I am very much trans, that I have resources she can read to understand what that all means, and that I would let her other parent know, so she had someone else to talk to if she wanted. (Thankfully, we are peacefully divorced, so that wasn't an issue.)

I later found out that my child had devoured those resources, stolen one of my skirts my work-mom gave me (she's so supportive) and tried on names, pronouns, and skirts. It was a month later that she greeted me in the morning in a skirt and informed me that she was certain her feelings weren't something else and I discovered that I have a daughter! 😊

I was in the process of trying to get HRT and my insurance changed, then my health network intentionally and willfully screwed me over and yanked my chain, because they didn't want to provide a referral (it turned out to be owned by the Catholic church, here in America), but didn't want to admit their bigotry. I was forced to change health networks and get a new primary and wait months for a new appointment for a referral and my daughter's needs were similarly delayed, but she was even further behind! I had just gotten HRT when I was laid off and left with no insurance. This means I'm on an incorrect dose and my daughter hasn't gotten hers.

To make matters worse, our ADHD has made sitting down for voice training or learning makeup (it is so overwhelming!) difficult for us and we've not found others willing and able to help with the latter. My daughter has gotten a lot of nice clothing from her mama (I'm mom, the ex is mama 🤷‍♀️), and she just looks so cute, but she hasn't felt brave enough to present at school or anything. I'm hoping a GSA in college will help, but I'm making sure not to push her. She's still figuring out her personal vibe, but it seems to lean toward her mama's style, instead of my tastes, with just a few exceptions. Whatever she goes with, I'm proud beyond belief!

I joined a writer's group and only ever introduced myself under my unmistakably femme chosen name and everyone was cool with my very unfemme appearing dysphoria hoodie wearing self. I am grateful beyond belief. The dose may be too low, but the HRT has been very much working. Unfortunately, even freshly shaved with a straight razor, my beard is forever visible (I'm told a little blush or color corrector can hide that, but keep looking horrible when I try), but thanks to HRT, I at least saw a woman with a beard shadow, when last I walked into the bathroom. (Also, I fill out my sundress more, now!)

With family and friends, we are fully socially transitioned, though, and I am grateful, every day, for those we've been able to keep. It wasn't all, but it seems I'd already cut the problems, in advance. Also, we can both wear whatever around the house, so we dress for ourselves, at least.

We dressed up extra for our first Pride parade, though! I won't have a ton of opportunities to wear that rainbow skirt, but I love it greatly!

We are early in transition, with lots of problems yet to solve, but we are so much happier, so far. I'm finally alive and she finally cares about who she will be! We're also so much closer now and have opened up a lot more to each other. I adore my daughter and I'm so glad to be her mom! 💖🥲

[nicoline1998enilocin]

''There's nothing wrong with her stutter!''

PAIRING | SEBASTIAN STAN x FEMALE!READER

WORD COUNT | 2.4K

SUMMARY | You get a job offering as a make-up artist for Marvel Studios, and quickly become great friends with Sebastian. He never cared about your stutter, and was always patient when you were talking to him. You grow really close, but when the paparazzi tries to hurt you, he is quick to shut them down in your defense.

WARNING(S) | Light swearing, a little angst in some spots.

A/N | Hi all! I decided to write this one-shot to show everyone who has a stutter and is struggling with it that it is completely normal, and you're absolutely perfect! A really good friend of mine struggles with it everyday, so I decided to share what it is like to live with someone who has it with their permission. I hope you will enjoy it!

Likes and reblogs will be very much appreciated 💜

Main Masterlist | Sebastian Stan Masterlist

Y/N still remembers the day she got the job offering to be a make-up artist with Marvel, it was such a big career move she even moved to New York City to be able to take it. Once she arrived on the set, she found out she would be the main make-up artist for both Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, who she had both seen in a few movies before. The only thing that did really worry her, was the fact that she had a stutter, usually people didn't react to that all too well. Despite this, she decided to give this a chance because this could be the change she needed so bad in her life.

The first time you met both Sebastian and Chris was an absolute delight, they were incredibly nice. ''Hi g-g-guys, my n-name is Y/N, and I w-w-will be your makeup a-artist for now.'' you said, and your cheeks immediately turned a deep crimson color, and you really wished you could just run out of the make-up trailer and hide forever. ''Hey, I'm Sebastian!'' he said, and he decided not to comment on your stutter, he actually found it pretty cute. ''Hi, I'm Chris, it's really nice to meet you. I'm sorry and I don't mean to overstep, but do you have a stutter? It's completely fine if you do ofcourse!'' he asked, and you nodded, not wanting to embarrass yourself even more.

You did the boys' makeup and they were incredibly grateful, they asked all kinds of questions like where you are from, if you have siblings, stuff like that. ''W-w-well, I'm from a small t-t-town in Florida, w-where I lived with my ex b-b-boyfriend for a few years, and now I l-live here in New Y-York City, by myself. I s-s-sadly don't have siblings, but I h-h-have a three year old son n-named J-J-James.'' you said with a big smile on your face, thinking about your little boy. You don't see his dad anymore because he left after he found out you're pregnant, and he didn't want any of the responsibility.

''Want to know a little secret?'' Sebastian asked you, and you nodded. ''My character in these movies is also called James. I have a feeling this is completely meant to be!'' he said with a smirk and he let out a chuckle, you laughed as well. You have a feeling you would get really get along well with Sebastian, as well as Chris, because they both make you laugh and feel good, so you don't have to worry about your stutter. ''A-A-Allright guys, you're both ready. Have a good d-d-day on set today!'' you said and you started cleaning up your makeup kit for now, so you would have a clean space to work off of if they needed to be touched up.

The next few weeks were great, and you got to know both Chris and Sebastian pretty well, but there was this undeniable friendship between you and Sebastian. He never said anything about your stutter, but always carefully listened to what you had to say. He never interrupted or finished your sentences, which is something you absolutely hated, and it felt like a relief that he didn't do it. ''S-Seb? I want to say thank y-y-you for being so patient w-with me and my s-s-stutter. It is a r-r-relief that you don't interrupt me or fill in w-what I want to s-say.'' you say with a little flush on your cheeks. ''Ofcourse doll, I know how much it bothers you that people do that, but it doesn't take much effort to just be patient. Besides, I love hearing what you have to say!''

You were so grateful to hear him say that, it felt great to have someone in your life who didn't fill everything in for you, you can think and talk for yourself thank you very much. By the time the end of filming rolled around, you really got close with Sebastian, and you often ended up talking in his trailer for a little while before going home, where you talked about everything and nothing, the good and the bad. James was usually at daycare, but when he got very sick during the day, you had to go there in a hurry. By the time you got to your car you found it had a flat tire, and you didn't know what to do. ''Want me to drive you? I'm done shooting for today anyway!'' Sebastian offered and you happily agreed.

''Oh b-b-baby, what's going on? Are y-you okay?'' you asked James when you saw him. He was very pale and warm, definitely spiking a fever. ''He ate his lunch, but sadly he didn't keep it down and he got sick. He has been spiking a fever for a little bit, but it doesn't seem to go down. We're so sorry we had to call you out of your work!'' the lady at the daycare said, but you said it's fine. ''Hey buddy, are you feeling sick?'' Sebastian asked, looking worried at your son. He nodded slightly and he started crying, so you really had to go to the pharmacy and pick something up in order to bring down his fever. ''I'm s-s-sorry, but we really need t-t-to go now. H-Have a good day!'' you said. ''Yeah, you too and again, I'm so sorry!'' the lady said.

Both you and Sebastian hurried back to his car, you sat in the backseat this time, with James on your lap trying to comfort him a little bit. ''It's o-okay buddy, we'll get you s-something for your fever, and you'll f-f-feel better in no time!'' you said to him, softly stroking his cheek while giving soft kisses on his head. ''Sebastian w-w-will drive to the pharmacy and get you s-something to feel better, okay?'' you said, with tears welling up in your own eyes, because you hated to see him in this much distress, you absolutely despised seeing how bad he was feeling. Most of all, you hated the fact that you had to go through this alone, since your ex left you during the pregnancy.

Sebastian arrived at the pharmacy and went in after you told him what to get for James, so you could stay with him in the car. ''Here you go, James!'' he said when he came back, and he brought some of your favorite snacks as well, to make you feel a little better. He drove all three of you to your apartment, and you invited Sebastian in. ''Oh no, it's okay, really! I should really go, if I come with you I'll only be in the way of you taking care of this little guy.'' he said when he softly stroked James on his back with his big hand. ''It's okay S-Seb, really. I could use t-t-the company!'' and he agreed.

After a few hours you finally managed to get his fever down, and Sebastian was making dinner for the both of you so he was able to help. James didn't feel like eating yet, so you could always make him something simple later. ''Allright doll, dinners ready.'' he said, and he put down a delicious looking pasta salad, and your mouth started watering at the sight of it. ''Wow, i-it looks delicious!'' you say and you immediately put some on your plate. You realized you hadn't ate anything since breakfast, because it was hectic at work and when you got the call from the daycare, you completely forgot about lunch.

A few days later, you suddenly notice a lot of notifications on Twitter and Instagram, but you don't understand what it is all about. When you open Twitter, the first thing you see is '' Does Sebastian Stan have a new girlfriend? '' and you click on it. There are a couple of paparazzi photos of you, Sebastian and James from when he was sick, and Sebastian was there to help you both out. You get really nervous because of this, and decide to call Sebastian. ''Y/N? Is everything okay doll?'' he asked when he picked up after the second ring. ''S-S-Seb, have you seen the p-p-photos yet?'' you say and tears start to prick in your eyes. You were afraid that if he saw all the things they said, he didn't want to be friends anymore, you knew he didn't want a relationship for a while. Even though you were definitely not together, those thoughts still crossed your mind.

''Ah, you mean the ones where they say you're my girlfriend?'' he says with a sigh, he was hoping you wouldn't find out what the paparazzi said, since he knew how you felt about those people. ''It's okay doll, I have already put out a statement that I'm not in a relationship, but that we're just really great friends, that's all.'' he said, and you felt a bit relieved when he said that. You thank him and he asks how James is doing, since you had a few days off to take care of him. ''He's really d-d-doing great, and he has b-been asking about you! H-H-He wants to know where m-mommy's friend is, and asked i-i-if you wanted to come and p-play with him.'' you said with a smile, thinking about when James asked for Sebastian. ''Oh, I would absolutely love to come by later today. Is that okay? Maybe we can all go out to dinner together if he's feeling better!'' Sebastian suggested and you accepted his offer.

The three of you were on your way to dinner, and Sebastian got recognized by some fans who wanted to take a photo with him. He looked at you apologetically and asked if it was okay with you. ''Yeah, o-o-ofcourse!'' you said to him and stepped to the side with James, so you could give them space for a few photos. When the fans walked away you could hear them saying something about you stuttering, and you started to feel very self conscious again. ''Seb, m-m-maybe we should just reschedule. I'm s-sorry.'' you said, and James noticed the tears falling down your face. ''No mommy, no cyring! Mommy can't be sad!'' he said while wiping the tears away, which made you smile through the tears. ''Doll, it's okay. There's nothing to worry about, they don't know anything about you. If you want to go home that is okay and I will come with you, but if you still want to go to dinner I would love to go with the both of you.'' he said, holding your face in his hands. He gave you a kiss on the cheek to make you feel better, and you decided to go to dinner.

When it was time for the premier for Captain America: The First Avenger, Sebastian invited you to come along as his plus one. You gladly accepted, you could really use a night out for a change. The babysitter was more than happy to take care of your little bundle of joy, and you got to spend some quality time with Sebastian and the rest of the cast, who you've grown to love during the shooting of the movie. ''Hey Chris! H-how are you?'' you ask when you see Chris, you haven't seen him since the last day of shooting. ''I'm doing really great. I'm kind of nervous ofcourse, but I'll be fine! How are you and James doing?'' and you tell them about how we was sick a little while ago, but he is back to his old happy self now, and really growing up way too fast.

When it was time for the red carpet, Sebastian gently guided you there, and you both posed for some photos. ''Sebastian, how does it feel to have a girlfriend now?'' some people ask, and you are finally done with it. ''He's n-n-not my boyfriend! We're j-j-just really good friends!'' you say and you get angry, but instead of them stopping, they just started laughing and making fun of your stutter. ''Oh please, why would anyone listen to you? You can't even talk like a normal person!'' someone said, and this is what drove Sebastian over the edge this time. ''Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? There's nothing wrong with her stutter! She can't do anything about it, and it makes her special! It's too bad assholes like you can't seem to get that into that small brain of yours!'' he yells at the guy, and he storms off the red carpet with you closely behind.

''S-S-SEB, WAIT!'' you say, only earning more laughs behind you. You start walking slower and tears are streaming down your face, Sebastian then stops when he hears you sobbing. ''Oh god doll, I'm so sorry for what just happened. I know how you feel right now, and I am so sorry that happened to you.'' he said, and he wrapped his big arms around you to comfort you. ''I-I-It's okay, I'm used to it.'' you say in between your sobs, but it still hurts that they make fun of your stutter. ''No doll, it's not okay, and someone had to set the record straight. I think you're absolutely perfect, and you didn't deserve that. No one deserves to be treated like that.'' he said in your hair whilst he kept holding and soothing you.

''I-I-I'm sorry. I should just go h-home...'' you say and you let go of Sebastian, but he doesn't want to hear any of it. ''Doll, how about we get you cleaned up in the bathroom real quick, and we will just enjoy the rest of the evening with our friends? You really deserve a night out, and those assholes can just fuck right off to where they came from!'' he said, earning a light chuckle from you. ''Okay, b-b-but you can't c-come into the bathroom w-with me!'' you say and the two of you make your way over there. Whilst you walk into the bathroom Sebastian goes to get you a glass of champagne and hands it to you when you walk out of the bathroom. ''T-t-thank you again, Seb. This m-means the world to m-m-me.'' you say and you give him another hug, and this time you give him a light kiss on his cheek, making him blush a little where your kiss just touched him. ''I love you, doll.'' he said. ''I l-l-love you too, S-Seb.''

[pluto-rainstorm]

Little bucktommy / madney ficlet cause I remembered that I'm a fic writer!

After dinner at Maddie and Chim's house, Tommy and Chimney have a heart-to-heart

‐-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The hum of music filled the air, emitting a soft atmosphere in the Buckley-Han house. The low lighting of the lamps made the kitchen-dining area warm and homey.

Plates clacked against each other as the Buckley siblings worked together to clear everything off the table, their quiet conversation was carried all the way to the kitchen sink where they moved in years of practice motion.

Both Tommy and Chimney were left at the table, nursing their drinks in their hands and watching their respective Buckley's. Chim then whipped his head round to look at Tommy, a burning question he's had for weeks now was bubbling up and this was his opportunity to ask away.

"I'm sorry, I just gotta ask, so you've been gay this whole time?" Chimney burst and broke the silence that had previously settled over them.

"Um... yes?" Tommy raised his eyebrows and torn his eyes away from Buck to give Chimney a questioning look.

"What about that girlfriend you had when you were at the 118, the one Gerrard always wanted to come make us dinner?" It's been eating at him ever since he saw that smudged soot all over Buck's face at his and Maddie's wedding.

Tommy laughed, clearly amused by this conversation. He hadn't imagined for a conversation like this one for desert, they just finished dinner.

"I'm guessing you never caught on to the fact that whenever he asked me what day she was coming," he gave him a pointed look "the day would always change."

That's when it hit Chim, all the talk of Tommy having a girlfriend back then but never actually seeing her? Tommy saying single is better? Not understanding the Kristen Stewart hype? It all made sense!

"Oh my god... how did I not notice that we never actually met her!"

Tommy just laughed again, one thing he loved about telling the truth to old friends he knew wouldn't judge him was their reactions to the little details. It made him feel seen in a way.

"Yeah, I made her up," he scratched the back of his neck and scrunched his nose, "well, she was my ex, but we broke up years before and I just didn't tell anyone."

"Why?" Chim said, he just wanted to understand his old colleague turned long time friend.

He shrugged, "It was easier to hide that way, and no one seemed to care when she didn't show up, we were always too busy," he lifted his drink and emptied the last bit before continuing, "that speech that Hen gave really put things into perspective for me, so I put in that complaint about Gerrard, I wanted to do something for others for once instead of just protecting myself from him or anyone else from the boys club we had going on."

Tommy put the glass on the table and looked up to spy on Buck and Maddie animatedly speaking to one another as they leant against the kitchen island, "All of that was also the reason why I was such a douchbag."

Chimney huffed an airy laugh, his eyes followed to where Tommy was looking, "Ay, you weren't that bad." He said sincerely.

"I could've been nicer." He felt ashamed, the guilt form someone he used to be, he turned to smile tightly at Chim.

"You were though," Chim waved his hand around, his eyes met Tommy's, "I mean eventually, and you hung out with me and Hen a lot after too, you're our friend tommy."

They shared a smile.

Tommy had a lot of time to dwell over his past crappy actions for years, and after everything he managed to make a friend for life in Chim, which still baffled him. Chimney just had a heart of gold and he admired that.

"Ya'know, I've known I was gay since I was a kid, I always had that feeling and all I did was push it down and away, far from who I wanted to be," his eyes drift back over to Buck as he laughs at whatever silly thing his sister just said, "and then Hen did her speech and I thought, maybe I just need do accept it, it did take me a while though, I mean we're talking about unravelling years upon years of hiding within lies here, moving to Harbour was my fresh start where I didn't have to tell those lies anymore cause no one knew the past me."

He smiled, "It felt really good."

"I'm proud of you, man" Chimney clapped him on his shoulder, his smile contagious.

Maddie and Buck chose that moment to walk back to their seats, more drinks in their hands.

"What are you two talking about?" Buck questioned as he sat in his chair next to Tommy. He passed him a beer.

"Just reminiscing." Tommy reached out and rubbed a hand along Buck's arm.

The smiles didn't leave their faces.

"Aw, how sweet!" Maddie chimed and leant against her husband.

Life was pretty good for Tommy and Chimney, they had their Buckley's and that's what really mattered.

[bullet-clubs-bitch]

christian cage x ex fem reader they started off having an affair. He bought her a really beautiful expensive diamond bracelet she hasn't taken off. He wants her back but she loves playing hard to get and making him jealous.

Diamonds are a girls best friend

Christian Cage X fem reader

Christian Cage Masterlist Main Masterlist

I was growing tired of the games Y/n was playing. There is only so much a man can do. At first, I thought she might have regretted what we did, maybe she realized what we did was wrong, did she fall out of love? All of these negative thoughts disappeared when I noticed she still wore the diamond bracelet I gifted her. She hadn’t taken it off since the day I gave it to her.

My little affair with Y/n began almost a year ago when I coudn’t hide my true feelings for her any longer. We had spent months on TV together acting like a real couple. We took our jobs seriously frequently making out on live TV. I knew all of this was wrong, I knew I shouldn’t be feeling this way about Y/n but I just coudn’t help myself. She was perfect. When I first suggested we have an affair I could she was hesitant. She knew it was wrong however the diamond bracelet changed her mind.

I can’t deny the rush I felt when I was with Y/n. All of this was so wrong that it was right. I adored every second of it. Recently there had been multiple times where we almost got caught, I feel like some people were starting to figure it out. That’s when Y/n stopped talking to me outside of work. Since we were paired together we still communicated but not in the intimate way we used to. Every time I tried to talk to her about it she just brushed me off, it drove me insane. I needed her, I was going crazy without her. I lay awake unable to sleep, missing her next to me. I was practically begging her to take me back, for what I have no idea.

Every time she said the same thing “I can’t, not right now”. I know what she meant by that. She coudn’t risk getting fired but she doesn’t understand the things she does to me. I swear she would flirt with the other talent in front of me to get a reaction. I was growing pathetic, I was practically begging on my hands and knees but I didn’t care. I dragged her into my locker room and locked the door behind me. “What are you doing?” She asked fear all over her face. “I can’t last another day without you,” I told her as I dropped to her feet. I handed her a stack of papers, they were divorce papers. “What is this?” She asked. “I’m getting a divorce. Why should I keep living a double life when I can live my true life with you” I told her as I tried to get under her dress. She ended up kicking me instead. “I don’t know what to say, Christian,” she told me. “Just say yes,” I told her. “Say yes to what?” She asked “Marry Me?!”

@brideofinfamy asked to be tagged!

[loustat-0]

Hi Sima , I remember you said you didn't like book Armand . You also mentioned you didn't like Louis and Armand's relationship in the books either .

What about the show version ? Do you like them ? I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't like them even on the show . But that's probably because I'm biased on loustat 😢

Hello . Okay let me answer your second question first . Yes I didn't like book Armand especially that fact that he told both Louis & Lestat they were both dead to each other. I understand why he would do this to Lestat because he felt betrayed by him but I don't see why he didn't tell Louis for years other than the fact that he was selfish and he wanted Louis all to himself even though they weren't really functioning as lovers anymore . BUT I THINK I AM STARTING TO LOVE ASSAD'S ARMAND HE'S SO ANGELIC AND IT SEEMS LIKE HE HAS SO MANY LAYERS AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO KEEP EVERYTHING STABLE FOR LOUIS AND DANIEL . BUT he still looks like he's pretending and he's hiding many things .

2. The answer to your first question is NO I DON'T LIKE BOOK LOUMAND AND I DON'T LIKE AMC LOUMAND EITHER . At least not yet . 🤷🏻‍♀️ but that's probably because I am biased on loustat too I am biased on Armandaniel too . But also not at the same time because in my opinion Louis is trying soooo hard to not be what he was with Lestat with Armand " completely a different dynamic " yes that's true but that's also because he's escaping his ex lover memories and he wants something very new , he's also getting along with everything Louis seems like he has changed too much with Armand he's totally different person when he even thinks about Lestat but with Armand it feels different and dare I say " as if he's forcing himself to put everything behind while he actually can't " . And as for Armand well he can also be biased because LOUIS WAS LESTAT'S lover , HELLO ??? DID WE HEAR HIS PROUD TONE WHEN HE COMPARED LESTAT'S TIME WITH LOUIS TO HIMSELF ? 😂 AND WHEN HE SAID LESTAT ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT IN THEIR DYNAMIC WHILE THE TRUTH IS LESTAT IS IMPORTANT IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND NONE OF THEM WILL ADMIT THIS TRUTH IN DUBAI YET OR PARIS BUT MAYBE IN SAN FRANCISCO THEY DID . 😬

3. And no you and me aren't the only ones who don't like show Loumand there are other TVC fans and none TVC fans who doesn't like them on the show but did like them in the books or the opposite they didn't like them in the books but love them on the show . And some people like myself don't like them both in the book or in the show . BUT I DO LIKE THE ERA IN THEIR LIFE WHERE THEY'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS AND NOT LOVERS . ARMAND IS A CALM CHARACTER FOR LOUIS THAT LOUIS CAN ESCAPE TO WHEN HE'S TOO OVERWHELMED BY SOMETHING OR BY LESTAT . AND WHEN HE NEEDS ANYONE ELSE COMPANY EXCEPT LESTAT'S . It's interesting because in the books the three of them Louis/Armand/Lestat never actually spend time together with only the three of them not at all but they do love each other at the end they all love each other .

[jenyifer]

How to make Only Friends Sapphic

So jumping off of my previous post about the theory that BostonNick sharing clothes is one of the most lesbian coded things I can think of and checking Jojo’s Twitter and seeing this

I thought I’d give some suggestions as a girl lover myself. I think that BostonNick is already two steps away from being a lesbian couple. You ever played mind games with a girl who wants to “be free to explore her options”? And I can promise you Nick is barely a stalker in comparison to what me and my friends can do to someone we like. Nothing illegal persay but…. Questionable Stalking is done on both sides under the guise of “we have seen true crime and live online”. Nick and Boston already live together basically pre break up. I think they shared clothes and Boston was using Nick every time he felt too many emotions or insecure. I think this is part of the reason he kept bringing nick with him to events but I want to talk about that in its own post.

Now TopMew another super lesbian coupling. Mew is raised by lesbians so his underhand passive aggressive ways are very familiar. Top being in love with the competitive game of getting Mew or Boeing is also text book. Sometimes the chase is worth more than the capture. I also think as lesbians we try to prove our relationships are picture perfect for instagram we finally find someone to take on all those date ideas we saved off while single and lonely.

The couple you’d have to change the most is SandRay. As Severe Depression Panic Attack girlie myself I get good morning texts and good evening checks from my Ex everyday. It’s not out of love or anything it’s a bond we share so. Firstly Mew or Boston would be checking on Ray it doesn’t matter if he hides it or if he can’t stop drinking etc the “hello are you alive text or call” would be essential or a lesbian would call the cops or that one person who can knock knock on their door to check. Ray would also know all of Bostons one night stand stories simply because he’d check in with Boston the next day to make sure Boston hadn’t been kidnapped or raped. It’s common practice with my friends who are adventurous anyways. Second Sand would have moved in with Ray or moved Ray in with him. No buts ands or protests about it. There would be a uhaul involved. Nick would have been carrying the boxes too because see a sister in need who you crushing on “you can change them just get them under your roof”. I also think Ray being a sugar mommy on the DL would be a thing just replacing Sand’s shit with higher end things. Because he cares and then Sand pushing back. The confusion with Mew is 1000000% on brand for a lesbian relationship though. As I said my ex is my bestie and I can’t get rid of her she won’t let me. It’s a big reason why I don’t like talking about Mew because his attitude towards Ray feels like a mircoscope mirror at the moment and I hate it. But it’s common to stay besties with your ex as a lesbian we are eachothers chosen family we don’t abandon eachother. And yeah sometimes feelings stick around even if it’s not for the best. Even if it hurts new interests.

I think the most fascinating change would be the interaction of the girls because we get terribly involved in our friends business most of the time. Sometimes people fall off completely absorbed in their new flame but if you have a good group of girls they’ll pull you back to reality. Also Mew’s revenge on Boston would have been the stuff talked about in legends. Punishing someone in your chosen family goes hardcore mode real fast. I also think SandNick’s relationship is already Sapphic enough I mean… who hasn’t gone camping with their bestie to see the stars touch grass then kissed them found out yeah no feels there and snuggle cuddled to sleep. That is literally me sophomore year of college except we went to a reserve where there were gators in the lake and when we woke up and went the 2 min walk to the beach there they were waiting to eat us whole.

Also your gay guy friend in Cheum would have to be more prominent. ESPECIALLY IF CHEUM IS AN ATTACHED LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP GAY. Cheum would be all up in everyone’s business super judgy with Mew but always there. Cheum would plan things and Mew would make the others show up. I can just see Cheum’s eye roll at the weekly check in because Ray needs to be reminded of his friends and Cheum would understand that. Also Cheum and April would throw the best dinner parties with wine and messy gossip. Cheum and April would def leave everyone at the party but that would be expected.

Anyways I had fun imagining it I hope you had fun reading. I tried not to be mean to Mew again so hopefully I’ve achieved that tone. I really am trying to work on it. Reading other people’s meta interpretations has really helped. Thank you!!!

[1hot-mess-express1]

Male Manipulator, exs to lovers, Song prompt list: 

“Omaha” Counting crows, “Start turning the girl into the ground, roll a new love over”

“Girl scout cookies” mom jeans, “I think back to all the times I kissed your hands, How I can’t stand the feel of any other hands” 

“Your graduation” Modern Baseball, “I never thought I’d see the day where I let you walk away”

“Looking like you just woke up” The Front Bottoms, “I love girls with ex boyfriends that they aren’t really over” 

“If it makes you happy” Sheryl Crow, “I’m not the kind of girl you bring home, if it makes you happy it can’t be that bad” 

“Plane Vs. Tank Vs. Submarine” Tigers Jaw, “You knew me at my best now I can’t even stand on my own” 

“Never saw it coming” Tigers Jaw “I learned a lot about falling in love when I fell out of love” 

“Bloodhound” Foxing, “And just as you could not contain the sea, you could not contain me” 

“Portrait of a woman on a couch with cats” Michael Cera Palin, “I hope you will listen, but I hope you won’t hear me, tripping, stumbling falling on deaf ears” 

“Creature” It looks sad, “Broken bottles and dirty dishes, Acid flashbacks in your kitchen, You know I’m not going home” 

“Maps”, The Front Bottoms, “If you had done anything with anyone else it would have worked out so well” 

“Post Party Depression” Days N Daze, “Who’s gonna be there to catch you when your plans all fallthrough?” 

“Inuit” Foxing, “Your arctic touch, my brightest love, it was more than I shared, it was more than you cared” 

“Fingers” It looks sad, “I felt the knife go in, you cut me up inside, so I spewed out all I know” 

“Funny you should ask” The Front Bottoms, “You see I just don’t want to do the things that you want me to do, but I’m a sucker so I do them cause I am still in love with you” 

“Art School Wannabe” Sorority Noise, “I know that I’m not worth your time, you need a change, I’m still the same” 

“Edward 40hands” Mom Jeans, “what do you want me to say? It’s never going away cause I’m stuck on you like the smell of cigarettes on your flower dress” BONUS: “now I’m addicted to cigarettes, at first I didn’t let myself inhale but the smoke got through and so did you and now every burn hole smells like home” 

“Where you’ve been hiding” Oso Oso, “Then I grew old and you grew tired, the wheels kept spinning with flat tires” 

“Flashlight” The Front Bottoms, “You are still the only thing and everything I need in my life” 

“Congratulations” Blue October, “My words they don’t come out right, but I’ll try to say I’m happy for you” 

[michellethefatpig]

My eating disorder story

Growing up, I was a normal weight child, when I was in first grade (bear in mind that in my country we start school at 7 and have it until we are 15) one classmate told me that I was the second most fat person in the class, then I started to be kinda orthorexic I started to eat cucumbers and healthy in general more, but I was only a small child, so after a while I ate normal again. Everything seemed perfect until I weighted myself at the start of 4th grade, I was 158cm tall and I weighted 40kg, I thought that I was super fat, but I just didn't seem to care about diet, then I started dieteing again when I hit 44kg.I was scared and heartbroken,at summer holidays I restricted and exercised everytime. By that I lost 4kg, I felt perfect. But then we visited my therapist(I hate this bitch, I started going to her when I called my male parent by father and not dad) she said that I got very thin, and told my mother to hide the scale. I started to eat very much, I put on weight again, then I started to starve, I didn't ate breakfast and lunch, and after school I had big binges but I managed to lose 4kg.My binges got bigger and bigger, soon I gained again. My mother discovered about me throwing out the food(I'm sure that my ex bffs told her that) and cutting myself on hipbones. I got in semy recovery I got medicine, then I gained and I was 47kg, but I grew to 162cm.And again everything was good, until I got into a fight with my old bffs year ago. I didn't do nothing at all, I just told that my other friend was right, but they rejected me and my tries to connect. I am autistic, so changes aren't easy for me. I tried to connect again, but they ignored us and my bestfriend who I supported told me that I was stupid and that the other bffs are toxic (we were 4 together) . I started to search, diets and stuff, to lose weight fast. Then I discovered ballerina's diet and by that I discovered also tumblr. As I got deeper into it, I started to count calories and overexercise, But I did it wrong, I thought I ate 500 calories and burnt 1000 but soon I was able to tell that it was kind of opposite. I started to eat 500 calories, then less less and less, I skipped meals whenever I could. I lost a lot of weight, 12kg.I felt very good but still not enough, then I went on camp with my ex bffs, the one got very toxic(even tho she was first blaming and insulting the other ones and I was the one who cheered her up), she was screaming at me, putting my things away to clean, she didn't understood that I needed to chew gum to not bite my lips(this habbit got worse, I can't even notice when I do that). She made fun of it, told me that it smells(it was bubble gum), then she multiple times called me names and I cried to my mother on phone everynight. I reunited with the other bffs but the one decided to bully me with the other one(I helpoed this one with getting a cat, and I spent all summer befor last summer with her). There was the one, she just comforted me 1 time.Once the two even kinda tried to get my phone , yk like they get ur phonr then pull it to their side, it hurt but I tried to be strong and not show my weakness I was very scared of them. And I got kinda sadder and more traumatized. After that, I started tok eat 1500 calories on daily basis, slowly smaller. Then I got to 800 calories. But I didn't knew that I was gaining weight. In winter nurse weighted me, 45 kg, horror, I was scared my binges got worse I was scared. And my friends still made fun of me for everything, my fictional crush(the bff was a kpop stan, had Felix from SKZ EVERYWHERE and I mentioned my 2d crush like 3 times and had a pin with him). She started to draw him in weird way, the others said it was funny, but I td her multiple times to stop insulting me, making fun of me and stuff like that. Then we got in a big fight.1VS3, of course I apologized first, like I always did, even tho it wasn't my fault. I just did. Then I opened my eyes, they were the only friends I had. But they told all of my secrets to my mother. I also won fight with them alone xddddd(but its a diff story)

[tigre-edi-rawr]

The Most Critical Childhood Trauma

I went outside this evening to withdraw money and buy some disposable vapes. I asked my parents what they wanted as "pasalubong," a traditional Filipino gift from children to their parents. Then I went home and bought everything I needed.

As I sat down, we were all casually discussing my plans to purchase an air conditioner for my bedroom because I now work from home. Suddenly, the mood changed, and I recall my father saying, "Nakausap ko yon noong mga time na nagkakaproblema ako sayo." And I was perplexed until it suddenly came on me what he was referring to. As someone who cannot sleep without expressing my opinion, I felt compelled to explain in order for him to understand.

What happened was… My mother started a business with my aunt (my father's brother's wife), which was probably pandemic, selling kitchen appliances. My father's mom stated, "Nako, wag ka na bumili diyan may tubo na yan." The argument was that her daughter, my aunt (the trauma), was running her own business selling pastries and things. We never mentioned anything like that, despite the fact that her food was as pricey as fuck, like Starbucks, when it wasn't even that great.

So, sure, my mother told me about it, and I was upset. I was enraged. But I did not confront my aunt and grandma there. But keep in mind that I was enraged. That night, I was browsing Facebook stories when I came across my aunt's (the trauma) story about her cupcake, and I knew it wasn't her work because she found it on Google. "gawa mo yan?" I inquired, and she lied, saying yes and that it was her work although I clearly knew it wasn't. Here's our conversation that time:

THE LIAR BITCH GOT CAUGHT!

That sparked a fit in the family's group chat. It made me angry at my father since he knew what they did to my mother but did nothing and even supported his mother, my grandma. Then I went weeks without speaking to him. He's as light as air to me. I'm a "rebelde" at this point. I won't talk to him, see him, eat with him, or be near him; I'll hide myself in my room whenever he's around, or I'll go to my ex's.

He was looking for the extension that I used one night, and luckily for me, I used it and did not return it to where I found it. He entered my bedroom, smashed the door, and yelled terrible things like "masiyado kang mataas, wala ka pa namang mapagmamalaki," then left but returned to add "lumayas ka na dito!" WHICH I DID. I grabbed all my belongings, especially the ones I need for my puto business at the time, and I finished packing (my sister and brother helped me) around 3 a.m., then my ex came to fetch me. I remember our youngest helping me bring my things with me, while saying "ingat ka ate ha." 

After weeks, my family tried to find me because they wanted me to return home. My ex and I were preparing to drink with his pals one night when one of his friends called and said that someone was looking for me. They're wondering where my ex's house is and whether they know who I am. We were informed, and my parents went to my ex's house. They even talked with my ex's father to convince me to go home because I don't want to. I recall saying to my father's face, "umalis na kayo, kaya ko na sarili ko, kakayanin ko."

They then returned home.

End.

So back to the conversation, I stated that I am not the problem. It was just you and your family. As I was saying that and watching my father's reaction, I was disappointed in myself since I had forgotten how he is with his family, especially her mother. He is a defender, enabler, and protector. Memories came in of how his side of the family treated us badly and yet got away with it because my father refused to say anything about it and even defended them instead of standing up for us and correcting who was wrong so that everyone could right their wrongs, learn, and heal.

I was in pain. And I've been carrying this trauma with me since I was in elementary school. "Maybe if I say that, magulat ka sa kapatid mo?" I asked my dad, referring to my aunt, her sister, and the trauma. He was laughing as he awaited my tea.

Then I added, "noong bata pa kami, sinasabihan niya ako na magscissor kami, sa banyo, sa kwarto, and she will tell me na wag magsusumbong o sasabihin kahit kanino" as my voice trembled and tears were about to fall. Yes, my aunt will tell me to please her in such a way that I also learned what it feels like since I will also be involved in the pleasure.

And I told my father that maybe that's why I fucking despise that person. It's disgusting.

But he said nothing and brushed it off as if it were nothing. LIKE. IT. WAS. NOTHING. I wasn't sure whether he believed me, but I don't care because it's my story and I fucking know what happened and it did.

Many things are said, but I couldn't stop crying when I heard "basta ngayon, ang ganda ng estado ng buhay ko, pero sinisira niyo." I stood up and walked away. I went inside and began crying; all I could think of was…

Buti ka pa maayos. All the traumas you inflicted on me and our family. All of the abuses your family inflicted on me and this family. Buti pa kayo maayos, nothing concerned you, and you can go about your business day by day, while I knew deep down inside that I was ruined. I'm a fucking mess. I learnt a lot of wrong things about family and relationships, and it shaped me not to trust completely, not to yield everything even if you love someone a lot. Marriage taught me to be terrified. And because of all of that, I am me every day. I'm no revel, but I'm hella strong and independent; I can stand on my own, love myself, even hurt someone because I always put myself first and don't feel guilty about it. Because I prioritized myself, and it was instilled in me that this is the first thing I should do, and there's nothing wrong with it. It was useful in certain ways, but I was monster. I'm like a walking red flag. And I can't change it, not because I don't want to, but because I can't.

[sweetbillwriting]

Love Just Happens

Part 1 - 24 in December

Description: Bill Skarsgård, a 40 years old separated father of three tries to live as simple as he can but then he meet Aurora Lou and life becomes even more complicated.

Characters: The future's Bill Skarsgård and others close to him. The rest is my own characters.

Setting: This story is set in the future but because it's hard to say how the world is then (and it isn't that important for the story) the future is similar to our time now, even with fashion and so on.

Warnings: 18+, age difference, smut, alcohol, ageism, a lot of talk about height.

Notes: New story! I must learn that I write for myself but it is nice to get some sort of interaction if you read. This is a story about a forty years old Bill but I see him looking similar to now. You know, he age well! This story can contain themes everyone isn't comfortable with so see warnings. Thank you for reading 💕

40. Forty. Forty years old. He tried the words in his head, tasted them on his lips. He didn't feel much taste at all for now, maybe the bitterness would come soon, slamming him in the chest in a weak moment. He looked at his face in the hotel mirror, he had more lines around his eyes, a darker color under them. In some ways his eyes look even bigger because of it. More scary perhaps or just wonky and funny looking? Maybe it just made him look more mysterious, dangerous and sexy? Or it was just his usual face but he just saw the signs of aging much clearer than others. He had never felt aging was something to hide, to feel bad about, but now when he stood there with his forty year old face and graying temples he felt conflicted. Two of his older brothers, working in the same industry, had said that they became adults when they were like forty, that it made them change their view of life but it would probably not be the same for him. He already felt like an adult when he was thirty and while they had only just had one kid in their forties, he already had three. He couldn't even pretend to be that liberated type of forty year old because he had three kids waiting on him at home.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!" Sang his childhood friend while walking into the bathroom where Bill stood with a towel around his hips. He smirked at his friend and shook his head while taking his toothbrush from one of the hotel's ceramic toothbrush mugs.

"How are you on your special day?" He asked and hugged Bill's shoulders from behind a bit too hard. Bill squirmed out of his hold and sighed while starting to brush his teeth.

"Same old, same old, you know? Nothing new," he said with his mouth full of foaming toothpaste.

"But you're up for a party tonight right? We want to celebrate our young man!"

Bill spat and laughed.

"Sure! Definitely! I probably need that." He sounded excited and his friend smiled big.

He had faced some stressful months with filming, producing and at the same time being there for his daughters. He had also finally found an apartment that was big enough for him and his girls. After he and their mother broke up he was the one standing without a home and finding a place suitable for him and his three daughters wasn't the easiest thing in Stockholm, especially when his oldest was almost a teenager and looked at everything skeptically. The apartment he had found was big enough so they could each have a bedroom. Even if they would probably live more with their mother because of his schedule. Still there was plenty of time they could be with him, but earlier both his oldest and second oldest daughter had chosen to not live with him because he couldn't give them the space they asked for. He had heard of it so many times, how dads would get much less time with the kids after a separation but because he and his ex had split on good terms he thought it would never happen to him. Then he realized it wasn't that easy to create a new life that would suit his daughter's needs while their mother could just continue with the life the both of them created for them.

The latest month had been stressful but his friends had forced him to make time for a trip with them over his birthday. They had hoped for at least two or three weeks but he didn't really have time for it so to make the trip as long as possible they decided to celebrate in the country he would film in after the trip, Italy. In that way his friends could stay and they could use the time he had to hang out. Several of them still had no kids and flexible jobs so they could stay that long while others just had their two weeks to set aside but Bill was happy for the time he could get with his friends. Just him and the boys, like it always had been. They could have fun, relax and eat well. He couldn't ask for more for his birthday.

×××

They had been out eating and drinking a bit too much so suddenly a loud nightclub felt like a great idea. Bill felt pumped in a way he rarely did and he actually thought the music that streamed out from the open door was okay. But the pumped up feeling started to die down when the line didn't seem to move. He sometimes succeeded in coming into these kinds of places because someone would recognize him but here in Italy no one seemed to have seen his movies. This was also a spontaneous visit otherwise he could probably fix it so they were standing on the vip list. Bill leaned against the wall and listened to his friends talking about the original old man they had seen earlier on the day. Neither they nor Bill reacted on the limo stopping outside of the entrance to the club because the line finally moved forward so they stood face to face with the guard but then they were stopped.

"It will be your time soon my gentlemen," said the guard then looked towards the limo. It prompted Bill and his friends to look at the limo too. Standing there, it felt like he had shifted place and he didn't really feel comfortable standing behind a rope like he was a fan. It was probably just some Italian Eurovision Song Contest singer with too big of an ego but when three security guards jumped out from the black limo Bill furrowed his brow. Some of his friends started to whisper just like the people after them in the line. From the limo's open door you could hear giggles and playful screams from girls but finally a high heeled strappy sandal was placed on the ground. A hand with long red nails took the guard's hand. A beautiful young woman came out from the door but Bill couldn't place her as someone famous but then another girl came out from the door and another and another. The fourth girl made some in the line whisper more loudly but when the last woman came out from the limo several people screamed of excitement. Bill looked around at the people before he even looked at the fifth girl and then listened to what his friends whisper;

"Oh, shit that's actually Aurora Lou."

"Who?"

"That singer… Don't you know who she is?"

"No?"

Bill knew who Aurora Lou was but couldn't tell you one song she sang. She felt more like the celebrity that was famous for being famous. He looked towards the girl group standing together talking and laughing between the body guards. He recognized Aurora at once. Of course she was the prettiest among the group of beautiful women. She was petite and wore high platform sneakers and a short dress. She looked young and undamaged. Bill didn't feel like he was ogling or anything, he just looked at her with curious eyes like everyone else but suddenly she looked him straight in the eyes without averting her gaze. Bill's first impulse was to look away but when he looked back at her again she turned her eyes toward him again. One of his friends looked between Bill and the giggling pop star and nudged another one to see if they saw the same thing. Bill felt his heartbeat heavy in his chest and butterflies he thought would never come back to his stomach again flutter like they were having a fist fight. Aurora continued to look at Bill and whispered something to her friend and then giggled. When a body guard started to move towards the entrance the girls followed him and Aurora looked away from Bill but he didn't feel done. He missed her gaze on him and felt almost some sort of panic in losing it. He knew it was stupid, because the eye contact had probably been by accident and the feeling of pure luck by seeing her was probably just the charisma that had once made her famous. But still he just wanted some sort of confirmation that the eye contact wasn't accidental.

The girls walked into the club led by one body guard and followed by two more. Bill looked after them then rubbed his eyes to make himself come back to reality instead of being in a fifteen year old's daydream but when he opened his eyes his friends and also others in the line looked at him with a weird expression.

"What?" He said and tried to sound nonchalant even if his heart hammered and he could feel the pride spread in his chest. Had she, that wonder of a woman, checked him out?

He tried his best to forget Aurora's eyes. He started to realize that it was a silly thought that she would have looked at him. She must have been a lot younger than him and with her beauty she could pick and choose any guy she wanted. He tried to tell himself she probably was vain and childish even if he didn't have a clue. Him and his friends sat out on the sky bar, looking out over Rome and talking memories. It was a perfect night and slowly he forgot the moment of infatuation he had experienced before.

"Bill Skarsgård?" Bill looked up at the staff girl and swallowed his drink.

"Yeah?" He asked and gave his friends a look with a big smile. He thought this was something they had planned but they looked just as surprised at the girl as he had.

"We have room for you and your friends in the VIP room, there’s a private sky bar there."

He still wore a big smile and looked at his friends with an expecting gaze. He had been in VIP rooms before and many times the parties were really wild there because the club looked between their fingers when it came to the rich and famous. His friends hollered in excitement and after some shuffling the staff girl led them up the stairs to the VIP section. While walking up the stairs Bill thought again of Aurora and silently wondered if she would be in the VIP room. He pushed his hands deep in his jean pockets and tried to follow his friends' bantering but it was hard when he just thought about dark eyes with long flattering eyelashes. He would totally embarrass himself if these thoughts continued. He wasn't the sort of guy to crush on young pop singers, but here he was mesmerized by just a look.

The VIP section wasn't as crowded as the rest of the club but still there were many people, people Bill didn't recognize at all. He guessed they were Italian celebrities and rich people outside of the public eye. Many of them were younger than him and his friends but he didn't really care. The sky bar was much more luxurious than the regular one and they were served drinks before they even sat down. Above them were small fairy lights that made it look like a million stars and the chairs were more or less regular armchairs. With an amazing view and the drinks flowing it couldn't be much better. He looked at the surrounding people while talking and laughing with his friends. His eyes paused when he saw a flash of red hair. It was one of the friends of Aurora, standing on the side of the bar balanced on chunky heels. He wished he could just ignore his curiosity and could act as unfazed as he usually did. He blamed the liquor and shook his head but when he stood up to go to the bathroom he saw Aurora dancing with a girlfriend on the dance floor. Even if they were in the VIP section people stared at her like she was a zoo animal. She didn't seem to care and danced sexily with her girlfriend and laughed so freely Bill felt his hands shake and his stomach flutter. What the hell was this? He marched away to the bathroom, annoyed at himself that he was like this. He couldn't recognize himself. He met his eyes in the bathroom mirror. He looked at his forty year old face. He looked good. He heard it often. His skin was so clear and his lips plumped and red like cherries. He dragged his hands through his hair, first he made it more messy, to look relaxed but thought he looked fake so he fixed it again. He smelled his armpits through the sleeves of his black short sleeved button up. He smelled mostly of cologne but also faintly of sweat. He sighed and dragged his hands over his jeans before peeing. He took a last look at himself in the mirror while washing his hands and took a deep breath before walking out to the club again.

The girl that made his stomach flip stood alone now by a high table messing with her phone with long nails. In front of her stood a highball glass with a clear liquid. Bill felt his heart beat hard again but felt a need to actually talk to her so he didn't have to wonder later on how she was as a person. Again, he didn't think he looked at her so intensely but something made her look at him before he even had dared to walk towards her. She smiled genuinely and gave him a sign with two fingers to come up to her. Bill smiled and swallowed hard before walking towards her with slow steps to try to calm himself down.

"Shit, you're so tall!" Aurora said and giggled. She was probably just 5'1 or something but taller thanks to her platform sneakers. Bill smiled big and scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, yeah. Can I say you're short then?" He teased, surprised that he hadn't stuttered once. They looked deep into each other's eyes like they were magnets, pulling towards each other.

Aurora giggled and stood up more straight and fixed her long hair.

"I'm not!"

"Oh come on, you're even short in those shoes!" He looked down at their shoes and it made her look down at his scuffed sneakers. The white on her platforms looked even more white compared to his well worn shoes. She looked up at his face and smiled and giggled.

"You're Bill, right?" She asked and put down her phone on the table. Bill smiled surprised and furrowed his brows.

"Yeah?"

Aurora shrugged her shoulders with a teasing smile.

"I like your work…'' She mentioned some of his latest movies and even quoted one of his characters. He looked at the petite girl in front of him and felt a blush creep up on his cheeks.

"Thanks… I, I like yours… Work, I mean," he said and dragged his sweaty hands over his jeans again. She looked at him amused and licked her glossy lips.

"No, you don't!" She laughed and it made Bill laugh too.

"No… To be honest I haven't heard a song of yours," he said embarrassed and looked down at the table he was leaning against.

"I knew it. You don't look like a pop boy."

"A pop boy? No, no I'm not… It's actually my fortieth birthday today…" He looked at her, deep in her eyes to see her reaction she continued just to smile with her cheek supported in her hand.

"Happy birthday, birthday boy," she teased and with her other hand she patted his bare under arm. Bill gave her hand a fast look and felt his stomach flutter again but also how it continued down to lower areas. He really was fifteen again.

"What are you drinking?" He awkwardly change the subject to think about something else than the blood traveling to his dick.

By reflex, Aurora took her glass and looked down in it.

"Water, I actually don't drink when I'm out like this," she said but Bill could see her vibe changing before his eyes. She looked around at people and twisted the rings around her fingers around and around. He just nodded a little and guessed that it probably wasn't safe for a girl like her to drink out even if she had bodyguards.

"So you know my age… Can I know yours now?" He asked sweetly but with some humor in his voice. Aurora laughed and once again fixed her hair.

"You will just judge me for my age!"

"No, no… But like you didn't judge me for my forty years?" She looked him deep in the eyes and Bill looked back with a soft gaze.

"I'm 24 in December."

It was cute she answered like a little girl would but that made it also so much more real. She was more than 16 years younger than him. It wasn't anything extraordinary in Hollywood or neither in his family but he had never thought he would be attracted to someone so much younger than him. But he was attracted to her, he couldn't even remember the last time he was so attracted to someone.

Bill smiled a little and nodded. He didn't want to show his conflicted feelings, especially because they had just met. Aurora started to spin her rings again and looked towards one of her friends on the dance floor. Bill looked at her nervous behavior and wondered if he made her nervous and why in that case she looked nervous in an uncomfortable way.

"I'm sorry… Maybe I disturbed you… But it was nice to meet…"

"Hm?" She looked at him confused. "No?" She swallowed dryly and gave him a hurt look.

"Oh, I just… It looked like…" he said and dragged a hand through his hair, messing it up.

"No? I thought you reacted towards my age?" She said and looked up at him with flattering eyelashes.

"No, not at all. Do you want to sit down a bit?"

It was obvious they weren't really in sync, he was afraid of not showing enough respect and felt a need to be careful with her while she looked a bit nervous and distracted. Bill realized after a while he couldn't be just kind and careful without bordering on being a pussy, he must step up so she could relax. He moved a bit closer to her on the couch and searched for that deep eye contact they have had from the start and laid his hand on her bare thigh. He looked at her to get consent and as answer she laid her hand on his and moved it up her thigh a bit.

"I know that you have probably heard this before but I don't really know how to say this otherwise… I don't want to hurt you, okay? I just think you have this amazing… charisma and I just want to know a bit about you?" He said lowly so only she could hear him. She smiled and moved her hand up over his arm and hugged his upper arm.

"I have learned, or I think I have learned, to recognize a good guy and I can see that you are, Bill. I'm just nervous in this sort of environment, when I talk to a guy. You know, people make it such a big deal."

He nodded. He knew what she meant but also knew he had no clue. He had never been as famous as her and paparazzi had rarely followed him around.

"Can we maybe go somewhere else? So you can feel comfortable. Your body guards can follow, just tell me their names so I can be polite." He joked and moved his hand from her thigh, suddenly it felt stupid to do such a thing in a room full of people. Aurora smiled and took his hand in hers instead, her long nails scratching the back of his hand lightly.

"I can go to the limo then you can sneak in like ten minutes after?"

Bill smirked and played with her hand in his. Even there the difference was big. He had never been with a woman that made him look so big.

"That sounds good."

Aurora nodded and stood up, Bill looked at her smooth legs and the shortness of her white dress. He gave her a little smile before she walked out with two of three bodyguards. Bill saw her disappear down the stairs and his heart started beating hard in his chest again. He didn't really know why he had put himself in this situation. This would never end well and it would just cause unnecessary feelings. He wondered if this was just his cock leading the way. It wasn't like he really starved when it came to sex. He had two women he had sexual arrangements with, one in Sweden and one in L.A. but sure, not one of them looked like Aurora. While he squirmed in his seat one of his friends sat down next to him and looked at him impressed.

"Shit, Bill. What was that?" He asked with big eyes. Bill smiled but then dragged his hands over his face.

"Me being stupid I think." His friend laughed and stood up.

"Come outside with us and tell us everything." Bill looked at his friend, the group outside and then towards the door.

"I can't… I'm going to meet her…" he said lowly in his friend's ear when he had stood up.

×××

"So you have three daughters?"

Aurora sat with her feet up on the limo seat tucked under her bum. She had taken her shoes off and looked really comfortable in the limo. Bill sat with spread legs and was almost as comfortable. They spoke much more relaxed now and started to talk about their private lives.

"Yeah," he smiled and looked down on his feet with both pride but also some sort of embarrassment. He wasn't embarrassed of his girls but he felt awkward talking with her about his life in Sweden.

"How old are they?" Aurora looked at Bill's face closely with a small smile.

"Emm… 12, 7 and 4."

"I would have never believed you had three kids." Bill looked at her with a confused face. It wasn't like he was the irresponsible type.

"I mean, you look so young. Especially for having a twelve year old."

He laughed and leaned his head back.

"You're too kind to me."

She smiled and moved closer to him, so close he suddenly became nervous again.

"Can I kiss you?" She whispered and laid a hand on his chest.

It came on so suddenly Bill couldn't find his words to answer, he just looked at the girl next to him with a surprised expression. She looked more and more nervous again.

"You can say no," she said and moved a bit backwards.

"No, no, no. Or I mean yes. Yes, we can kiss. I just got surprised, that's all," he carefully took her hand in his and gave it a little tug so that she would come closer again. Aurora followed his motion and sat down so close to him her knees brushed his thigh.

"Why?"

Bill was quiet for a moment and looked around after the words on the ceiling of the limo.

"I guess I still can't really understand how I got here, with you. You're so beautiful, young, vibrant…"

"And you are sexy, mysterious and kind," she said and laid a hand on his thigh. Bill looked down at it, smiled a little then he took her face in his hands and let their pouty lips meet. It was a soft kiss but much more intimate than Bill was prepared for. It was not a hookup kiss, this was a kiss that made his skin tingle. They kissed again right after the first kiss and Aurora crawled up closer to him almost in his lap and while they continued to kiss more and more passionately Bill pulled her up on top of him and she straddled his long legs. Time and space disappeared around them and the kisses became more and more heated. They let their tongues drag against each other messily and it made every kiss more and more wet and passionate. Bill was fully hard and was sure she could feel it against her bum that was just over his crotch but he didn't care. He was deep into the make out session that an erection felt totally natural even if he earlier would have thought he must have some sort of distance between them. He made a groaning sound when he felt her grind against him and he started to think about actually having sex in the limo. Who cared really? And it was his birthday, it would be an awesome ending to his fortieth birthday. He dragged his hands up her thighs, up to the hem of her dress and pushed it up a little bit just to try her. She just continued to kiss him and held a vice grip around his collar.

He pushed her dress up a bit more and slowly dragged his hands from her hips to between her legs but then she took a hold of his hands and released his lips with a loud smack. He looked up at her with big eyes, worried he had done something bad.

"Not here," she just said and pulled her short dress down again and sat down in his lap. Bill nodded feverishly and laid his hands on her knees, at a safe place.

"Do you want to come home with me?" She looked at him carefully and played with the hair on his neck.

"Do you want that?"

She gave him a crooked smile and made a sound of amusement.

"Otherwise I wouldn't ask, Billy."

He preferred that new people in his life called him Bill but it wasn't like he would correct her. And also, he kind of liked that she was so relaxed she already called him nicknames.

×××

She lived in a house by the coast south of Rome. Bill had been in many luxury houses but still he got a bit uncomfortable seeing the big house and the land surrounding it. He didn't care that she had more money than him so it wasn't that, he just felt like he didn't really belong in her world. Aurora looked at him while he stood in the hallway with his hands in his back pockets of his blue jeans. She smiled a little and played with her fingers.

"Ehh… Should I take my shoes off?"

He saw that she had done so and looked at her pink ankle socks.

"Oh, do whatever you want," she moved in so she stood leaned against the spiral stair and turned to him. Bill smirked and took off his shoes, she had done it so he thought it was probably what she wanted him to do too. He walked up to her and stood in front of her, smiling down at her. Even if he was so much taller than her she didn't look intimidated by him. He was pleased with that, that he didn't need to crunch down to seem less threatening. He moved her long hair from her shoulders and looked at her lips. She must have coated them with a new layer of lip gloss because they were just as pink and glossy again.

"Maybe I should show you around?" She said and stood up at her toes to be able to touch his shoulders. Bill nodded and took one of her hands from his shoulders and entwined their fingers. It was a nice gesture but Aurora was forced to change the grip because his fingers didn't really fit between hers. It was like they tried to push two puzzle pieces together that obviously were not fitting.

She showed him around, mostly so he could find the right bathroom. The house had three but there was just one that was suitable for guests.

"Here is my bedroom… The other ones are used by my friends so…" she gave him a pointed smile and he understood those rooms were private, just like the bathroom next to her bedroom. He looked at the bedroom, white with details in pastel pink and luxurious materials. It was so girly he felt even more big and clumsy. It looked like a room his daughter's would die for. Aurora looked at him and took his hand again.

"Do you want something to drink? I have some bottles of wine. And whiskey."

"Whiskey?" He looked at her surprised.

She smirked at him and walked down the stairs.

"Just because I'm a girly-girl I can still enjoy a whiskey."

Bill grinned and looked at her hair swaying down her back and her soft looking thighs. He liked that she surprised him, that she wasn't as predictable as he first thought, it made him curious of what more surprising things he could learn about her.

She poured them each a whiskey with an ice cube in each glass. She showed him the bottle and said it was her favorite. He had never heard of it but guessed it wasn't anything he could find in Sweden.

"So this is your summer house?" He asked while walking around in the big living room. It was mostly beige and white, it was nice but a bit impersonal. Aurora sat down on the big couch with her short legs resting on the coffee table.

"Yeah, I live in L.A."

Bill nodded and looked at the big black grand piano.

"I don't really like L.A." he said honestly and smirked. Aurora laughed.

"Me neither. I wish I could live here but my job requires me to live there."

He moved closer to her and lifted her feet so he could sit down on the coffee table with her feet in his lap.

"Why? I mean, you don't work all the time, I guess?" His hands engulfed her feet and the both of them looked down at it with an amused gaze.

"No but the song writers I work with are there, my team is there, my handbag brand has its office there and the studio."

Bill nodded and looked at her. She was a business woman.

"I guess I have it good that way, that my job isn't really stuck in one place."

"Will you always live in Sweden?" She looked down on her feet again, which he kneaded lightly.

"Yeah. I have my girls there. And the rest of my family." Bill listened to his own words and could hear how this would just be one night thing. They were too different from each other.

Aurora smiled a little disappointed but dragged her toe along the inseam of Bill's jeans. Maybe she also realized that it would just be a hook up and rode with it. Bill released her foot and leaned back on his hands while Aurora's foot came closer and closer to his crotch. He bit his lip and looked down but closed his eyes when her foot started to do slow circles over his balls. He could feel himself get hard again and started to beg in his head for more action than her foot on his crotch. When she pulled her foot away he couldn't stop his disappointed facial expression.

"I don't know when the girls will be home… Maybe we should go to the bedroom?" Aurora said and dragged her long nail extensions over his thighs. He looked at her nails, baby blue with white swirls. He didn't really like the trend with those sorts of nails but at that moment it was the hottest thing he had seen.

"Sure, sure. Let's go upstairs."

They went up to the bedroom, the girly bedroom with more pillows on the bed he could count. Everything was so fluffy and sweet he felt a little nauseous. He thought they would continue where they ended so he sat down on the bed leaned back, waiting for her to climb his lap but instead she sat down by the vanity table and started to brush out all the hair spray she had in her hair. Bill looked at her and felt a bit stupid that he had laid down in bed.

"I’m just going to take off my make-up," she said and stood up. Bill smiled a little even if he felt a bit fooled. He was so horny and could feel his cock stir just by looking at her legs when she walked out from the room. With a heavy sigh he laid down his head on the bed and closed his eyes. He laid like that until he felt Aurora sitting down next to him. He looked up at her and saw her face free from makeup and her hair gathered in a long braid. She was just as pretty without makeup, maybe even prettier because she looked so much more relaxed.

"Hey, sorry, are you bored?" She patted his chest and smiled sweetly.

"No, no." He rose up on his elbows and looked at her, just dressed in an oversized t-shirt. He couldn't stop himself from smiling big by the vision. She was way too cute. Aurora giggled again and leaned down and kissed him. Bill, who knew well what he wanted, threaded his fingers through her hair and deepened the kiss over and over. He was so hard now it started to hurt and he really needed the release. Aurora pushed him away and smiled.

"Slow down a bit."

Bill looked between her eyes and lips. He was horny but he also felt stupid for being so rough suddenly.

"I'm sorry…" he breathed heavily and let her go but she just straddled his lap, right over his erection.

"It's okay. But… Do you just want to sleep with me? Is that it?"

He wondered why she straddled him just before asking that question. Right then and there it was the only thing he wanted.

"No of course not… I really want to get to know you…" he said with a strained voice, focusing on not grinding against that little pussy on top of him. Aurora smiled a little and leaned down to kiss him again. They kissed a few times while Bill tried to move closer and closer to her pantyline with his hands.

She looked at him and put her nose tip against his.

"Because I will not sleep with you tonight…"

"Hm?" Bill looked at her with big eyes. The disappointment rising so fast he could feel sweat break out on his forehead.

She gave him a little smile and moved away from him. Bill took some deep breaths and tried to accept that he would probably need to fix his problem by himself in the bathroom.

"Okay…" he said lowly and nodded a little. Aurora smiled and looked pleased with his answer and started to unzip his jeans.

"But I can give you a really messy blow job if you like…" Bill sighed in relief and leaned his head back and laughed.

"Are you trying to kill me here? But yes please, please suck my cock," he said and smiled at her while she dragged his jeans and boxers down his legs. He helped her take them off and then stood up on his knees so she could be in front of him. She looked at him, standing in front of her with a blushing hard on dripping precum. She took his cock in her hands and both of them looked down at it. Even Bill could see how big he looked in her hand and he liked the vision. She giggled a bit but didn't say anything but the both of them thought the same thing. She wanted to kiss him but even on their knees she had a hard time reaching his lips. He bent down, kissed her and licked her lower lip with a teasing tongue.

"You are short." She giggled and jerk him off slowly while kissing him again. Both of them couldn't stop smiling into the kiss. Bill didn't think about it right then but after he would think of the moment and realize he almost felt like he was in love.

She bent down while continuing to jerk him off and gave his tip a kiss. Bill looked down at her, looking closely while she teased him with the top of her tongue. He breathed deeply but his breath hitched when she took him in her mouth and sucked with hollowed cheeks. He groaned while she worked up and down his shaft, just stopping to apply saliva on his sensitive tip and tease the underside with her tongue. He could feel his eyes involuntarily close even if he wanted to watch her passionate blow job. When she started to use her hands to jerk him off at the same time she worked his shaft with her mouth he felt his orgasm build in his stomach.

"I'm close…" he said with a strained voice and gave her cheek a soft pat so she could move away from him. She lifted her head to look at his face while she jerked him off to the finish line.

×××

Bill's eyelids were heavy the next day but the room he slept in was so bright his eyelids felt too thin anyway. He looked around a bit confused at the white room and down at the pink silk sheets. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He was naked and the air conditioner prickled his skin. He smirked a little when he thought back to the night he had and dragged his hands through his hair both by some sort of embarrassment and also pride and satisfaction. After having thought a minute on Aurora and her mouth he started to search for his phone. He found it in the pocket of his jeans.

10 am. He didn't really know what he would do with that information but it felt calming to know it was still quite early. He took his boxers that were stuck in his jeans and stood up to pull them on. Just when he adjusted his member the door opened and Aurora walked in carefully with two coffee mugs, one pressed between her arm and chest so she could open the door.

"Hey," she said and smiled sweetly. She was still dressed in the oversized t-shirt but had let her hair down from the braid and it hung down to her waist in messy waves.

"Hey." He just mimicked her, it was just reflex to answer the same way. He smiled a bit bashfully and scratched his neck.

"I don't know how you take your coffee but you felt like the sort of guy who drinks it black?" She put the mugs down and Bill looked at the black liquid in one of them while the other was more light brown.

"You're right." He said and sat down on the bed again with a smile. He was as tall as her when he sat on the edge of the bed. "How did you know?"

Aurora smirked and sat down next to him.

"You are way too mysterious to not drink it black."

Bill smiled amused and took the mug with black coffee.

"I don't know why you say I'm mysterious." He shook his head and took a sip of the coffee. Aurora took her mug and also took a sip.

"You have just that aura. Like you have many layers to explore."

He licked his lips and looked between her eyes and lips.

"Maybe so," he said lowly with his most mysterious voice and then gave her a soft kiss. He probably shouldn't have kissed her the morning after instead of just taking his stuff and saying goodbye but even if he knew there could never be anything between them he couldn't stop himself. Aurora dragged her finger along his dimple and smiled and with that smile had Bill a reason to kiss her again. After some intimate kisses, they sat close together and just watched each other. They smiled a bit sadly. Both of them knew this was it.

×

[papa-evershed]

from the first episode of the show it's obvious that they are showing that Daniel is suspicious, you know with his first sort of lack of reaction to his father's death, to little things he says like "my mum" then "our mum", the banged up car, not finding out who the company's are and then needing money (and his bloody coat, maybe he's hiding something in there) ofc the show is throwing us of, when I first watched the episode I wasn't paying attention to the other characters because I was just thinking what is Daniel up to (and why is rob James collier so good looking) but I've been thinking about who the murderer could've been, it could've been the wife, the best friend, or any of the siblings or ex boyfriends, or it could be a situation where they all helped to kill the dad, and they all had their own motives. But I completely agree with you on your other post, all of them or some of them have drinking problems. Part of me feels like the murder wasn't a 1 man job tho.

Alright guys, just for the sake of saving myself some time and people's dashes from being flooded I'mma answer all of these at once and under a read-more, hopefully that's cool. Plus, I'd probably answer them all fairly similarly and a read-more may be for the best in case anyone out there doesn't want any spoilers/speculation.

I've definitely seen a few people now speculating that there could be more than one person responsible for their father's death. And it's definitely not out of the realm of possibility. I lean away from it being all three siblings (but still could be two of them or a nonsibling involved) for a few reasons though.

First, I really don't think Daniel did it. Like one of you said, I believe we're supposed to the suspicious of him but based on a few things I just don't think it was him. I felt like his reaction to finding his father's body was more of an "oh shit, who is going to bail me out now" mixed with a bit of shock, most likely. RJC said in an interview that Daniel is quite selfish, has used his father his entire life, and has taken from the family pot on the regular. Someone else hypothesized on Discord that the accounts their father has been sending money to could very well be Daniel's and I think it's a great catch and probably likely based on RJC's quote and the fact that Daniel was quick to take those papers and offer to figure it out...while never actually doing so. If his father has been bailing him out on the regular, I don't see someone jumping to murder for more money, especially since getting an inheritance can take a long time to be sorted. Daniel really has no motive, his father was worth more to him alive than dead, and even if he'd learned of the will change, I'd definitely hold off on killing him if I needed the money asap (which Daniel clearly does).

Could it still be him? Sure. But I really hope it isn't because that just seems too easy and also nonsensical at the same time to me. I think most of his behavior can be blamed on how he's scrambling now without his financial safety net.

Which leaves Chloe and Sian for the siblings and Chloe is still sus af to me. Why was she cleaning? I feel like these small details are usually added in for very specific reasons, they're supposed to be anyway, so I wonder if 'ol girl needs to remove some evidence. 👀 And if by some chance I'm right, then I really, really don't think Daniel is in on it because he was the one to ask her why she was doing it. Plus, like I said earlier, she's just too quiet but her eyes are so knowing. Mind you, they're all supposed to have secrets according to the official plot so perhaps I'm reading too much into this girl's poor face. 😂

I still don't know what to make of Sian. She seems more detached than the others but that's just how some people grieve. Could also be a red flag. Maybe the ladies teamed up and took out dear Dad for some reason. 😅

I do really like the idea that there are clues hidden in the home videos and that sinister things were accidentally captured. The creeper in the caravan I'm still clueless on, none of the characters introduced so far seem the sort to hide out in creepy caravans, except perhaps the father's ex-best-friend. I do wonder if the caravan scenes could perhaps be on a different timeline that we need to catch up to though and in that case it could be one of the siblings or well...anyone, still.

I'm reminding myself of the fact that this is a mini series, so it's all got to be summed up in only three more episodes which seems like a lofty goal to me. But I will say the pacing on this show has been amazingly executed so far, it definitely feels like there's zero filler (although I wouldn't object to Daniel related filler) which is also why I think every tiny detail is placed there for a very specific reason. Their time is so very limited, I don't see anyone wasting time on throw away scenes or even lines. As mentioned above, even the music choice seems exceptionally intentional, more so than most shows, so I'm just going to continue to assume everything is being said or done for a reason until I'm proven wrong. 😂

Maybe we're all wrong and the dad killed himself because he was tired of these damn kids. 🤪