#wtf is wrong with my brain

[madamechrissy]

Dying to write a oneshot where Satoru is like young 30's (Canon age) reader is 22, and he's banging your mom. MAYBE engaged to her (prob just dating)- mom is like 45? - and she's low-key a bitch LMAO, and you have the hots bad for him bc he's him. You have to see him half naked all the time and hear his ass moaning all pornographically in the next room (maybe you're home to save money for an apt idk) He's super conceited and ya'll annoy each other and rly be arguing and bickering, but somehow end up doing something one night and then it's hella awkward- I clearly have unresolved mommy issues.

But it'd be cheating AND low-key step dad vibes so I know damn well everyone will freak out on me lol. BUT IT'S DESTROYING MY BRAIN. Talk me out of it please and thank you! </3 or talk me into it lmaoo

[lemurianmaster]

Had an insane dream about Zayne in the wee hours this morning.

Poor boo came home from a double shift, bone tired and sleepy. So, being a nice person, I thought it would be a good idea to get him ready for bed, then give him the most luxurious head I'm capable of.

I took my time, teasing and truly appreciating his beautiful cock, showing him how much I love taking care of him.

I recall looking up from between his thighs to give him praise, only to find him asleep! Shrugging my shoulders, I went off to do some housework.

[quackingcrow420]

Today my husband approached me and asked "What would a spider snake hybrid look like?"

To which I replied: Oh God... There are so many options. You could have a snake body with an entire spider as the head. You could have a spider body but it's head is replaced by some snake body and head. You could do a spider, but make all of it's legs snakes, but then it probably couldn't move too well. You could do a "delicious in dungeon" type thing similar to the cockatrice, but instead of a chicken it's a spider... OH! If you have a HUGE spider you could make it so all the hairs covering it's body are actually tiny snakes...

*Husband grins wickedly* Thanks! Those are all great ideas.

It's not until after he walks away that I realize this was not just a fun mental exercise. He needed moster ideas for the DnD campaign he's running...

I think I've just been made an accessory to a TPK guys...

[xfriki26]

Just woke up from a dream were im sure Frolo and Gregor were beating the shit out of each other.

Honestly based.

[mangojournals]

i read sherbet above the sea of fog (up to the latest chapter) after you recommended it and i had to thank you! <3 it is so good 😭 if you have any more yuri recommendations (manga or manhwa) pls tell 🌸!

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I can only remember these ones right now -

1. Double house

2. She loves to cook and she loves to eat

3. Still sick

4. Nevermore (webtoon)

5. Always human (webtoon)

6. The guy she was interested in wasn't a guy at all.

7. Dallae

8. Hana monogatari (only 3 chaps translated I think)

9. Sora and haena

10. Makoto no momoka(one shot)

11. Getting to know grace

Edit : I can't believe I didn't add her tale of shimcheong. Also love my life, indigo blue, runaway with me girl, black and white, handsome girl and sheltered girl, night and day.

[coffy-cat27]

Seonghwa is a death angel, tasked to find ghosts and brings them back to the afterlife (which is actually just a court with a long ass waiting line).

Hongjoong was cursed (that's what people says, he thinks he was gifted), he can change any part/the whole of his body into any weapon (explosives is not included) and was tasked to kill demons that's causing ruckus in the human world.

Both of them works together, and yes, they're dating.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYSSSSSS— also @simpyfrog cuz there’s Loui <3

Do I have a new friend group amongst the states? Yes, yes I do. Is it weird? Hell yea. Do I care? F*ck no :). So anyways this groups consists of Florida, Loui, Texas, Mass, and sometimes Georgia and New York :D

Pls let me know if y’all want some hc’s for them, cuz I f*ckin’ love this sh*t :D

[cereal-is-a-soup100percent-true]

https://youtu.be/Kb7jYOYXiVc

THE BARBIE LORE RUNS DEEP!!!!!

the real world and the pink Barbie world are different things??? But they're also locations that can be travelled between! A group of girls say they haven't played with Barbies for a while which is telling me that Barbie the toy and Barbie the species (all Barbies are named Barbie or Ken except for a couple) coexists.

THIS GOT ME THINKING, WHAT IF THIS MOVIE IS AN ALLEGORY FOR AI BECOMING SENTIENT. It sounds weird, but the trailer makes it make sense. The Barbies have been feared and hated by society, even though they appear perfect.

There's also the metaphor for aging. This is seen every where through Barbie getting flat feet, affected by gravity, her fashion sense going out of fashion and how she's not able to meet societys norms anymore.

The women who guided Barbie out of the Barbie realm into the real life seems older. Yknow who else is old, THE OLD LADY SITTING ON THE BENCH TALKING TO BARBIE NEAR THE END OF THE TRAILER!! You can't make this stuff up!

She says something like people don't last forever, ideas do.

SO HERE ARE MY BARBIE THEORIES!!!

1) The old lady is the creator of the Barbies, but as she is dying her creations are too and the only way the Barbies can live is through the wonder of children.

2) The old woman was an escaped Barbie, who left Barbie ville due to her aging. The movie will be about bringing diversity to Barbieville and accepting the flaws and difficulties others face.

3) The villian will be the patriachy (or matriarchy). This doesnt really connect to the old lady but i think it's a valid guess.

4) Barbieville is a trap and the old lady is trying to keep Barbies inside of it. She's evil and wants to destroy any imperfections in Barbieville (I'm just making up the name Barbieville). There's a strange border between Barbieville and every where else, which is kinda sus.

5) Nobody is born in Barbieville. Nobody dies on Barbieville. I think there's a pregnant women or something but we never see a child or old person within Barbieville. EXCEPT for the women who tells Barbie to go into the real world.

The trailer says "If you hate Barbie, this movies for you". This will not be smooth sailing for main character Barbie. There will be chaos, death and imperfections.

[captainfontinaricotta]

Does anyone else get into weird mindsets that you start typing things as they sound rather than how they actually are spelled? Have I been possessed by Shakespeare?

Examples:

Bight=Bite

Caut=Caught

Gard=Guard

[skyofstorms]

The Muse Headspace

I could probably design images for each one in time, but for now, here's the masterlist of masterlists when it comes to my muses. Like...every single muse I've used [save a few novel muses] are on this list. Beware, my friends. It's a nightmare - 257 muses listed with fc and species [Canon or lore based mues are in bold]. Yes, there are some repeat faceclaims, I don't wanna hear it. @forwardlion, I want you to know this is your fault.

Abigail Phantomhive | Claire Holt | Demon

Abraham Greenfeld | Keiynan Lonsdale | Human

Adam Milligan/Winchester | Jake Abel | Human

Ahn Taehui | Lim Sejun | Banshee/Demon Hybrid

Akali Tethi | Aeri Uchinaga | Human

Akello Caine | Jussie Smollet | Leopard Shifter

Aleksi Holland | Harry Shum Jr. | Mage

Alexander Lightwood | Matthew Daddario | Nephilim

Alexian Holloway | Alberto Rosende | Human

Aliceon Hartigay | Katie Cassidy | Polykinetic [Pyro, Techno, Terra, Cryo]

Alistair Hypanile | Hayden Christensen | Katagarian Tiger

Alizair Hollis | Dominic Sherwood | Arcadian Wolf

Allison Argent | Crystal Reed | Human/Raven Spirit

Amelie Rayne | Rambo Suicide | Water Elemental

Amelyra Shanarra | Summer Glau | Witch

Amy Waterford "Sailor Mercury" | Nicole Gale Anderson | Senshi

Anabel Lightwood-Bane | Arden Cho | Nephilim/Warlock Hybrid

Andrea Kattalakis | Gemma Arterton | White Tiger Shifter

Andrei Cruz | Jeremy Renner | Black Panther Shifter

Anneliese Romanova | Vanessa Kirby | Dhampir

Annabelle Brunelli | Jacqueline MacInnes Wood | Human

Annika Mitchell | Bully Suicide | Ocelot Shifter

Anthony Stark | Robert Downey Jr. | Human

Ares | Manu Bennett | God

Armand Tempest | Brian Krause | Owl Shifter

Artemis Crescent | Kwon Ji-yong | Mauian

Ashelina Logan | Malese Jow | Werewolf

Asmodeus | Godfrey Gao | Greater Demon

Audrey Briarose | Sarah Jeffery | Psychic

Aziraphale | Michael Sheen | Angel

Baelfire "Neal Cassidy" | Michael Raymond-James | Human

Belinda Oriella-Curani | Taylor Momsen | Succubus

Belladonna Trumpet | Miranda Kerr | Pegasus

Bellek Mosely | Ian Bohen | Phoenix

Brady Johannsen | Chris Pratt | Psychic

Bradley Harrison | Anthony Mackie | Jaguar Shifter

Bruce Banner | Mark Ruffalo | Gamma Enhanced Human

Bruni | Osaki Shotaro | Elemental

Caleb Danvers | Steven Strait | Warlock

Camael | Jensen Ackles | Angel

Camryn Adelaide | Glitz Suicide | Poly Shifter

Carrie Devereaux | Radeo Suicide "Chelsea Vitorio" | Human

Cassidy Merlyn | Dakota Fanning | Vampire

Castiel | Misha Collins | Angel

Catarina Loss | Sophia Walker | Warlock

Cassandra Rogers | Chloe Moretz | Human

Ceannaire Mellark | Daniel Sharman | Fenrir

Cerberus | JR Bourne | Three Headed Demon Dog

Chae Nari | Lee Chae-yeon | Feline Shifter [Rusty Spotted Cat]

Charlie Goodwin | Jesse Labelle | Wolf Shifter

Chelsea Barton | Scarlett Johannsen | Witch

Chezna Lumiere-Conriocht | Devon Shigaki | Werewolf

Chinami Kennedy | Heo Yoorim | Human

Cho Sorren | Choi Seung Cheol | Psychic/Red Panda Shifter Hybrid

Choi Byeol-Dal | Roseanne Park | Forest Nymph

Choi Byeol-Jageun | Lee Felix | Rainbow Nymph

Choi Subin | Jeong Yunho | Poly Feline Shifter [Serval, Siamese, Marbled Cat]

Christopher Argent | JR Bourne | Human

Ciel Phantomhive | Jeonghan | Demon

Clarissa Fairchild | Katherine McNamara | Nephilim

Clark Morrigan | James Marsters | Warlock

Claudia Hale | Lyndsy Fonseca | Werewolf

Cleossandra Reid | Candice Swanepoel | Angel

Clinton Barton | Jeremy Renner | Human

Cora Hale | Adelaide Kane | Werewolf

Coraline Basilik | Kristyna Panochova | Fenrir

Crimson Macabre | Reita | Dragon

Damien DeLuna | Tyler Hoechlin | Vampire

Daniel Cross | Keahu Kahuanui | Werewolf

Daniel Mahaelani | Keahu Kahuanui | Druid

Darius Talbot | John Boyega | Human

Demetrius Beltre | Charlie Carver | Griffon

Demkos Florian | Tyler Posey | Human

Derek Hale | Tyler Hoechlin | Werewolf

Desmond McKnight | Alex O'Loughlin | Wolf Shifter

Dionysus | Darren Criss | God

Dokuno Kokoro | Uruha | Snake Shifter [King Cobra]

Dominique Brady | Alona Tal | Druid

Druid Harrington | Shane West | Human

Eden Tryphist | Elsa Hosk | Human

Elijah Mikaelson | Daniel Gillies | Vampire

Elijah Roanoke | Stephen Amell | Siren/Incubus Hybrid

Elise Macabre | Kwon Yuri | Dragon

Elliot Erso | Joseph Morgan | Fox Shifter

Emile Hargreaves | Kellan Lutz | Witch

Emilea Curani | Charlize Theron | Faunis

Eros | Adam Lambert | God

Esmerelda Logan | Emeraude Logan | Human

Evelyn Queen | Sofia Carson | Witch

Ezekiel | Jeffrey Donovan | Angel

Fang Blackwater | Alex Meraz | Fox shifter

Fenrick Kelos | Josh Duhamel | Thunderbird

Fenris Conriocht | Zac Efron | Werewolf

Finn Storm | John Boyega | Human

Fiorin Basilik | Cody Christian | Psychic

Fury Peltier | Jackson Rathbone | Katagarian Wolf

Grif | Jason Momoa | Human

Hades | Ian Bohen/Cheyenne Jackson* | God

Hak Jiwoon | Kim Hongjoong | Nogitsune

Harry Hook | Thomas Doherty | Feline Shifter [black Maine Coone]

Hayley Marshalls | Phoebe Tonkin | Vampire/Werewolf Hybrid

Heather DeRoya | Emily Van Camp | Banshee/Demon Hybrid

Hera | Meghan Markle | Goddess

Hope Dracul | Daniela Ruah | Vampire/Angel Hybrid

Hwang Beongae | Momo Hirai | Pheonix

Hwang Seungki | Kim Youngjo | Kitsune Tribrid

Hwang Taeyang | Wong Yuk-hei | Phoenix

Ian Logan | Ian Somerhalder | Werewolf

Isabelle Gautier | Jill Wagner | Human/Succubus Hybrid

Isabelle Lightwood | Emeraude Toubia | Nephilim

James Barnes | Sebastian Stan | Cybernetically Enhanced Human

Jameson Morgan | Liam Hemsworth | Witch

Jasmine Estrella | Dali Suicide | Bunny Shifter

Jason Carter | Sebastian Stan | Dragon

Jasper Hale/Cullen | Jackson Rathbone | Vampire

Jasper Kallihan | Joseph Morgan | Warlock

Jayden McNamara | Jake Johnson | Dark Fae

Jefferson Hatter/Barnes | Sebastian Stan | Magically Inclined Human

Jessica Hawkblue | Claudia Kim | Warlock

Jin Galeon | Jennifer Lawrence | Human/Vampire Hybrid

Jocelyn Celine Herondale | Holland Roden | Nephilim

Jonathan Herondale | Dominic Sherwood | Nephilim

Jonathan Herondale Jr. (JR) | Will Tudor | Nephilmi

Jordan Kyle | Chai Hensen | Werewolf

Joseph Dixon | Nicholas Hoult | Technokinetic

Julian Moore | Colin O'Donaghue | Human

Kaina Red | Son Ga-In | Dragon

Kallin Elijah | Willa Holland | Hellhound

Kane Lancaster | Robert Downey Jr | Demon

Kang Kija | Kang Min-hee | Thunder Kitsune

Kataigida Parthenopaeus | Tom Ellis/Dylan O'Brien | Demigod

Katherine Elysia | Taissa Farmiga | Fae

Kevin Hawkblue | Ruki | Weretiger

Kim Jeongwon | Han Jisung | Sugar Glider Shifter

Kim Seonyul | Moon Taeil | Siren

Kiniko Hajime | Cho Kyu-hyun | Vampire

Kira Yukimura | Arden Cho | Thunder Kitsune

Kirishima Kyung-jae | Nakamoto Yuta | Witch/Siren Hybrid

Kirishima Touka | Kim Jiu | Ghoul

Kol Mikaelson | Daniel Sharman | Vampire/Witch*

Kole Winston | Tyler Hoechlin | Fae

Konstantin Udinov | Riker Lynch | Demon/Witch Hybrid

Kouga Hajime | Han Groo | Vampire

Krigare Storm | Joseph Morgan | Imp

Kuradei Phantom | Jung Seung-bo | Umbrakinetic/Wolf Shifter Hybrid

Kwon Yuri | Moon Byul-yi | Sensitive

Kyo Sohma | N/A | Cursed Human

Kyle Artmen | Jay Ryan | Jaguar Shifter

Kyrian Stone | Jonathan Rhys Myers | Psychic/Siren Hybrid

Laura Hale | Meghan Ory | Werewolf

Lee Hajun | Kim Jong-in | Warlock

Lee Minji | Kang Seul-gi | Psychic

Lee Sanghoon | Kim Dong Young | Monarch

Lestat DeMyre | Dave Salmoni | Elf

Lim Eunjin | Jung Wooyoung | Incubus

Loki Laufeyson | Tom Huddleston | God

Lucien Callihan | Ian Bohen | Human

Lucien Hoijer | Matthew Davis | Griffon

Lucifer Morningstar | Sebastian Roche | Angel

Lucille Quinnzel | Ashley Benson | Human

Luke Garroway | Isaiah Mustafa | Werewolf

Lydia Branwell | Stephanie Bennett | Nephilim

Macaria | Meghan Ory | Goddess

Margaret Leigh | Jakhara Smith | Psychic

Magnus Bane | Harry Shum Jr. | Warlock

Maia Roberts | Alisha Wainwright | Werewolf

Malia Hale | Shelley Hennig | Werecoyote

Malika Udinov | Clair Holt | Demon/Witch Hybrid

Marcellus Gerard | Charles Michael Davis | Vampire

Markus Ducaine | Steven Strait | Werelion

Maryssa Dixon-Bennett | Selena Gomez | Druid

Matthew Bennett | Jake Abel | Werepanther

Maxine Owens | Griffin Ramsey | Demigoddess

Melanie Barnes | Alexandra Daddario | Genetically Enhanced Human

Merrick Bennett/Hadriel | Jake Abel | Werepanther/Angel

Mia Mosely | Adelaide Kane | Phoenix

Michael Caboose | Jake Johnson | Human

Michael Hartford | Ian Cohen | Human

Michaelis Moon | Lee Teuk | Dragon/Human Hybrid

Mieczyslaw Stilinski | Dylan O'Brien | Human/Spark

Mikabane House | Meagan Tandy | Red Panda Shifter

Mila Martinez | Katherine Mcnamara | Psychic

Miles Brunelli | Matt Cohen | Vampire

Momiji Sohma | N/A | Cursed Human

Moon Eukyung | Jeon So-yeon | Demigoddess

Moon Heechul | Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Snake Shifter

Moon Kona | Park Jisung | Ice Nymph/Snake Shifter

Morgan Lovec | Norman Reedus | Imp

Morgana Krajick | Zoe Saldana | Angel

Morriginya Branwen | Cho Seo Young | Semblance Gifted Human

Nam Arwen | Chonnasorn Sajakul | Elf/Werewolf Hybrid

Natalee Grybyx | Maggie Q | Seer

Natasha Romanov | Scarlett Johannsen | Enhanced Human

Nataliya “Nekome” Dashwood | Ashley Greene | Cheshire

Nevinovat Fata | Crystal Reed | Hawk Shifter

Nicholas Hightower | Gavin Free | Cat Shifter [Russian Blue]

Niklaus Mikaelson | Joseph Morgan | Vampire/Werewolf Hybrid

Niklaus Udinov | Sam Pettyfer | Demon/Witch Hybrid

Nikolai Buchannon | Hunter Hayes | Human

Nikolaia Udinov | Chris Hemsworth | Witch

Padme Amidala | Natalie Portman | Human

Park Sungjin | Kim Geonhak | Kitsune/Vampire Hybrid

Persephone | Holland Roden | Goddess

Peter Hale | Ian Bohen/Michael Fjordbak | Werewolf

Peter Parker | Andrew Garfield/Tom Holland | Genetically Enhanced Human

Qrow Branwen | Lee Donghae | Magic Gifted Human

Quinton Macklemore | Dylan O'Brien | Werewolf

Ragnor Fell | Tom Hiddleston | Warlock

Rebecca Daniels | Holland Roden | Human

Reno Akujin | N/A | Mako Enhanced Human

Rex Coltin | Chris Evans | Snake Shifter [Diamondback]

Reyna Wingyr | Grace Park | Fenrir

Ryan Macklemore | Dylan O'Brien | Werewolf

Ryn Hollings "Sailor Chibi Moon" | Bella Thorne | Senshi

Ryuu Kyosuke | Lee Taemin | Dragon

Sainika Winston | Mackenzie Foy | Fae

Sebastian Mills | Cody Christian | Hellhound

Sebastian Morgenstern | Will Tudor | Demon-blooded Nephilim

Serena James | Kristin Kruek | Phoenix

Shane Westfield | Nick Groff | Psychic

Shin Chan Young | Lee Dae-Hee | Seer

Siobhan Conriocht | Penellope Mitchell | Werewolf

Snow White "Mary Margaret Blanchard" | Ginnifer Goodwin | Human

Son Jin | Lee Dong Hyuck | Ice Nymph

Son Minho | Kim Chan Young | Naga

Spencer Todd | Shemar Moore | Human

Steven Rogers | Chris Evans | Genetically Enhanced Human

Sun Kyujin | Lee Siyeon | Witch

Sun Seoyun | Park Seonghwa | Cursed Vampire

Sun Wukong | Yanan | Faunis

T'Khani Ekundayo | Chadwick Boseman | Ghost

Tarael Lightwood-Bane | Brant Daugherty | Nephilim/Warlock Hybrid

Tatiana Novak | Hannah Marks | Angel/Human Hybrid

Terra Riley | Nina Dobrev | Kitsune/Werewolf Hybrid

Thor Odinson | Chris Hemsworth | God

Tigerlilly Sikari | Elizabeth Loaiza | Seer/Weretiger Hybrid

Tristan Royans | Nick Bateman | Fire Kitsune/Human Hybrid

Tsukinora Kitoai | Jay Park | Werelynx

Tykeisha Caine | Taraji P Henson | Demon/Leopard Shifter Hybrid

Valerie Wilson | Shay Mitchell | Human

Valora Lovelace | Genevieve Padalecki | Cheetah Shifter

Vanessa Choi | Kim Hyo Yeon | Psychic

Victor Rivera | Devon Sawa | Human

Victoria Mosely | Crystal Reed | Phoenix

Vio Curani | N/A | Demon

Vishal Malik | Taylor Lautner | Nephilim

Wanda Maximoff | Elizabeth Olsen | Mutant

Weiss Schnee | N/A | Semblance Gifted Human

William "Spike" Pratt | James Marsters | Vampire

Xavier Rybolt | David Castro | Demon

Xavier Remmington | Sinqua Walls | Poly Shifter [Jaguar, Doberman, Wolf]

Yoo Daeshim | Kang Yeosang | Tribrid/Demigod

Yoo Jangmi | Jeon Ji Woo | Snow Leopard Shifter

Yukihara Arashi | Minatozaki Sana | Fae/Siren Hybrid

Yura Rybolt | Lee Ga-hyeon | Human

Zacariah Morgan | Jeffrey Dean Morgan | Witch/Seer

Zane Hertzfeld | Rasmus Ledin | Seer/Vampire Hybrid

[i-have-dots-in-my-brain]

a dream i had once

once i had a dream that the main civilization of the world was just horses. like humans were just ugly monkeys and like the horses had culture, they had history like i remember in the dream theres was a war and it was for independence and freedom and it was called the war of the wind to signify freedom and then there was so much lore 

War of the wind 

fought between two factions, libersim and toism and toism was opressing the libersim movement because the toism movement favored the current opresssive goverment while the libersim movement wanted freedom and there was a horse with a missing leg named Chanador Link who fought for libersim  and ended up winning the war and abolishing the goverment.  The burning war fought between the new country (libersim) and a bunch of others over a thief which one of the countries was hiding (the country was called Causor) and then they had suffering but in the end libersim (the name i think was like Hirseek) and their allies (Writhesl, Tizmet and Oethul) won. 

this is a reocurring dream and like theres more lore everytime????? like theres probs gonna be a part 2 or somth idk

i also wrote this in a pinterest comment, i didn’t steal this. that commenter is me, you can ask me on that account and i will respond lol.

[penbybirdie]

The back of the chair dug into my spine, the combat boats on my feet heavy. Every time I breathed, the metal hit my ribs, my teeth drawing blood as I blinked back the tears. My skin itches, crawls, screams. I scratch at it, the sting a comforting presence. It was easier to focus on the pain on my skin, in my mouth, the pain physically, than the internal pain. Everything spins.

I try to focus on what the teacher is saying, but everything sounds like it's underwater. My vision is blurry, no matter how hard I close my eyes or how fast I blink. Everything spins. There’s so much noise, so many colors assaulting my eyes. I can’t make out any of it. It’s so much. It’s too much.

I dig my nails further into my skin, peeling off the skin. The scab breaks, the skin turning pink and yellow as the red of blood blooms. I move to the next scab, cutting into the flesh with my nails. A shiver of pain runs up my arm, up my spine. I don’t know why I do it. I just can’t stop myself. At first, it was just to distract myself. Alone in my room during the pandemic, stuck in a house that doesn’t feel like home. Then I did it when nervous, just out of habit. And now it’s a daily thing. I can’t stop, no matter what I do. My brain, my fingers, my skin, it just itches until I pick at my skin. It’s a welcome distraction now, though.

I can vaguely hear someone – a friend maybe, for a different version of me – asking me if I’m alright. Their voice is far, drowned out by the thoughts. Nodding, I fight to keep my voice even. “I’m fine.” They turn away. They always do. I don’t think I’m good at lying, but it always works. People don’t think there’s anything wrong with me until I tell them. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

Deep breaths. I try to think, I try to drown out the whispers. I can hear my father’s voice, jeering at me. Clamping my jaw tight, I try to push it down. It only gets louder, joined by my own thoughts. I want to cover my ears, to curl in a ball and cry. I can’t. I won’t. I haven’t actually cried in years. I don’t let myself. When I want to bawl, I lay on the floor and listen to music in the dark. Maybe let a few tears slip. But I don’t ever full force cry. I don’t know why I don’t let myself, I just can’t. It makes my skin crawl, makes me feel even worse, pulls me from the cocoon of numbness I’ve wrapped myself in. 

‘Kay.’ One of the voices calls, the sound external compared to the whisperings of my failures I hear in my head. There’s nothing there, I know. But I still want to look. The voices come when I let the numbness slip. When I panic or stress or get angry or sad. They come. Calling my name, footsteps, things moving, the faces in the shadows, the people. They aren’t real. I know they aren’t. But they still come. ‘Kay.’ Louder now, confusing me. I can’t tell the voices from real people sometimes, especially when they get loud. 

Slamming my eyes shut, I focus all my attention on the teacher that’s speaking. I can make out Ms. Brown’s voice, barely. Harder I focus, trying to make the words make sense. The wave of panic hits harder, the whispers taunting me for not being able to handle it. The sinking feeling in my stomach grows, the pain and the ache from the weight of my limbs grows. Opening my eyes, the edges are filled with shadows. Blinking quickly, the shadows creep backwards. 

Swallowing the bile back, bile I hadn’t noticed rose, I try to think. Calm down. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Calm down. The inner monologue has gone quiet, and I fight to try to get it back. I hate when the whispers and voices drown out my actual thoughts. The thoughts in my head, they are my only comfort in my life. I think that’s why the panic drains me so much. To lose control of the one thing that comforts me, it’s worse than the panic itself. 

My thoughts only get more fragmented and more desperate. The pain and panic grows. I want the numbness back. I want my days to go back to the grey blur they were before I got older. Not the grey streaked with anxiety-orange and vomit-yellow. I hate the anxiety that haunts every movement I make. I hate the way everything hurts. I hate the numbness, as much as I crave it. I hate the pain of eating. I hate people, with their eyes and double-meaning phrases. I hate how much I hate everything.

Everything spins, even with my eyes shut. Everything is too loud, externally and internally. My fingers dig into my arm, drawing more blood. The voices and whispers sneer at me, and I resist the urge to clamp my hands over my ears. I want to pull my hair out, like tugging the strands would pull out the darkness that’s settled in my chest – in my mind. I want to rip my skin off. I want to throw up. I want to scream. I want to tear my brain out, to remove the twisted part of it that fuels my fear. 

Instead, I slam the heels of my palm into my eyes, rubbing fiercely. I see colors when I do, and the pressure is strange, but it halts the tears threatening to gather. Digging my nails into my palm, I focus on the pain, letting it ground me.

Finally, once I can breathe again, I reach down, my fingers curling around my headphones. Yanking them on, the music blossoms. It does not silence the howling voices, but I sink into its embrace all the same.

[yelloweyes-savelives]

have we ever thought that heaven says would be a song that might fit castiel? like the "let your wings spread, confess your sins, be not afraid, this will end quick" is kind of. hrm? and not to mention the "greater than life, stronger than health . . . answer for your crimes, beg for mercy" could be some angst stuffs?? i dunno im on season six

[inkedinshadows]

Can someone tell me why I opened the google doc to write, and then somehow started thinking about After, which I read 8 years ago and the first book only, and despite thinking it was so trash, I still got curious about how the story ended and spent the last two hours trying to find summaries of all the books so I could know how it ends?

Anyway, now it's dinner time, I haven't written a single word, I want to punch a whole through the wall and rip all my hair out at just how stupid Tessa and Hardin are and how the story got even more trash after book 1, but hey at least now I know how it ends sooo...

[s12354]

Dlaczego moja mama pyta sie czy jest okej kiedy serio jest okej a kiedy przechodze pieklo w swojej glowie nagle jest slepa?