#you don't need to know how constipated i am so if you got this far down on the tags it's your own fault and i take no responsibility

[grilledkatniss]

Me: *has coffee*

Me, two hours in the bathroom later: Man, is it tea time already? *Makes more coffee*

[abarbaricyalp]

Written for the @samsseptember prompt Amnesia // CW: Amnesia and all that goes along with it. I did it again guys. I wrote another heavy one. I swear the rest are better // Full Story on AO3

When the Light Gets Into Your Heart

When Sam finally convinced his eyes to open, everything was blurry and fuzzy and far too bright. His ears were fuzzy too. Like he was under water or had a pillow wrapped around his head. He'd woken up in hospitals a handful of times in his life. Once, after he'd been clocked in the face during a baseball game. They said he'd been conscious off and on beforehand, but he didn't remember any of that. Once, just a little while ago when he and Riley had first tried on the wings and Sam had promptly fallen out of the sky. And once when he was younger and had had to have surgery on his appendix, though that was hardly as exciting.

So what the hell had happened this time?

He tried to move his head, which felt like the most difficult task in the world, and a voice said, "Do you know you sleep with your eyes half open?"

Sam tried to blink away the fuzziness in his vision but only succeeded in smearing it more. "Being unconscious and being asleep are different things," he said. His throat hurt like hell. When he pawed at the edges of his bed, he didn't find a glass of water.

The unknown man in the room grunted and it sounded like an agreement. "That's true. I'd have noticed sooner if it was every time you slept."

It wasn't Riley's voice and Sam couldn't fathom who else would have seen him sleep. Sarah's new beau maybe? Still, Sam had a knee jerk reaction to say 'like you ever stay up later than me or wake up first,' though he didn't. That was the kind of thing he saved for Riley.

His body ached like he'd been asleep for ages or had just been in a fight, but he didn't feel like anything was broken-broken. The inside out bruise pressure of bleeding wasn't pronounced. He didn't feel like he was numbed out of any body part. Why was he in the hospital?

"What happened?" he finally asked. "Where's Riley?" Because if something had happened to him out had either happened to Riley too or he needed to be told about it.

His vision was finally starting to clear, though it just made his eyes burn and his head ache flare, and he could see the man at the end of the bed was a stranger. Sam had a knee jerk reaction that he was military. There was just something to the breadth of his body, the way he held himself, the tilt of his jaw. But his hair was long and where his arms were crossed over his impressive chest, he had a prosthesis. Sam blinked at it a little bit, willing his eyes to accept it. It was far more advanced than anything he'd ever seen the VA pay for.

The man's handsome, severe face was pinched in along the midline, eyebrows drawn in, nose scrunched, mouth puckered. "Riley?" he asked.

"Yeah, Riley. Don't play games. If you know who I am, you know who Riley is," Sam snapped. He tired to sit up. Failed. Made it seem like he was just shifting on the bed. "They're supposed to call him when I get hurt. Shit, I get called enough about him."

"I know who Riley is," the man assured tightly. He dropped his arms and then crossed them again without otherwise moving. "Where do you think you are?"

Sam rolled his eyes and sighed. He didn't really feel like he could keep enough air in his lungs to do that, but it was necessary. "I don't know. A hospital somewhere near base. I don't know how I got here. I don't know why I'm here. But Riley should be here to check me out at least."

"Sam," the man said. There was a pleading tone in his voice. The desperation made him seem much younger. "Do you know who I am?"

Sam tried to puzzle it out. He was pretty sure he'd remember an engineer or commander who was missing an arm. He was decidedly not Sarah's new beau. Was he supposed to remember someone from basics? Or, God, high school? "No, man. I've never seen you before."

The half-constipated look fell from the man's face, replaced by slack horror and dejection. “I’m going to go get your doctor,” he said and then disappeared before Sam could really fathom that he was leaving.

The room was like no hospital room Sam had ever seen. It felt more like a retirement home room or something. Outside the window, through a crack in the curtains where the AC kept letting them drift apart, he could see a sprawling campus of some kind. Sleek, modern metal and glass buildings in weird shapes dotted the landscape of rolling green hills. Everything was as clean and manicured as the room he was in.

Even with its beige walls and dark curtains, the room was too bright for his pounding head. Was he in the hospital with a concussion? That felt like as good a guess as any. But how would he have knocked his brains loose without Riley around to point and laugh afterwards? It wasn’t like him not to sit vigilant beside Sam’s bed when he was worried. Had he been hurt too? Is that why the stranger was being so cagey about where he was?

Without anyone else around to see him, Sam tried to sit up. His right wrist was lightly wrapped in bandages. It twinged when he put too much pressure on it, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t work with. The rest of him seemed to be in one piece. He pulled the loose t-shirt he was wearing up and examined his ribs and belly for any signs of internal damage, but came up clear. There weren’t bandages around his head, despite how much it hurt. All of his teeth seemed to be in place.

What the hell was going on?

He was just yanking a pillow from under his ass when the stranger and another man walked through the door. If this was his doctor then Sam had fully fallen into a dream world. Firstly, he was weirdly handsome. Like an old 1920s painting come to life. Or a Magic The Gathering card. And his hair was so pointy for a doctor. Even the distinguished grey stripes at his temple didn’t make up for the electro-shock hair. And what kind of doctor–

“Why are you wearing a cape?” Sam asked.

“Hospitals get cold,” the man answered blandly without looking up from the notes in his hands. “I’m a surgeon, Barnes. Not a neurologist. I don’t know what you want me to assess.”

“I’m not concerned about the literal application of medicine here, Strange,” the stranger snapped. Barnes. A last name, Sam assumed. “You know what those things were capable of. Distorting time and shit. They did something to him.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sam asked.

“It’s probably just a classic case of retrograde amnesia. He likely took damage to the temporal lobe. I am sure it will work itself out.”

“He didn’t get hit,” Barnes snapped. “I was on his six the whole time. He wasn’t injured.”

On his six? Why would this man be fighting with him instead of Riley? Where were they? What had the mission been?

He asked all of these things before Barnes and the doctor could escalate their own argument.

“Captain,” the doctor began.

Sam snorted. “Not a pilot.”

The doctor’s mouth curled just a little, eyes alighting for a split second. “Mr. Wilson,” he amended. “You seem to be suffering from a form of amnesia. It appears you have forgotten a substantial length of time. Now that you’re awake, we can begin to monitor–”

“How much time?” Sam interrupted.

“Well, I’m not sure neurologists would want to affect your own cognition by telling you–”

“Over a decade,” Barnes answered. His arms were crossed over his chest again. Tight. Like he was trying to hold himself in one piece. “A whole second life for you, actually.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Sam asked. Had he died before? Could amnesia catapult him back to before some other traumatic event, even if it meant going back a whole decade?

“I don’t know,” Barnes said. “But something happened and it wasn’t an injury.”

“What else could it be?” Sam asked.

“Barnes,” the doctor said lowly. A warning.

“Where the hell is Riley? Where am I?” he asked again. He could feel anger boiling below his skin. As if this wasn’t all confusing and terrifying enough, he couldn’t even get a straight answer about where he was and who these people were and where the hell his partner was. “Riley will know what happened. Where is he?”

Barnes turned away then, scrubbing his hands over his face and letting out a frustrated noise. The doctor kept his cool eyes on Sam. “You’re in Washington DC. Well, just north, actually. You’re on the Central Campus. You were part of a battle against an enemy I suppose you may not be able to believe right now. Can you tell me the last thing you remember?”

But Sam shook his head. “I’m not answering any questions until you tell me where Riley is.”

The doctor almost glanced to Barnes, but aborted the movement before his eyes got all the way off of Sam’s bed. “Mr. Wilson, it’s been over a decade,” he said. It wasn’t soft and comforting. Just a fact. “You are no longer in the Air Force. Riley Wiatrek is no longer your wingman. You have been working for SHIELD, and its iterations, for much of the time you’ve forgotten.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “There is no way Riley and I would leave each other. Or the Force. He’s the last thing I remember. I need to talk to him.”

“Riley died,” Barnes said without turning around. Still, the words were like an arrow aimed right at Sam’s heart, landing true, and ripping out the back of his ribcage.

“You’re lying,” he said and hated how quiet his voice had gotten. “You’re lying to keep me away from him.”

“Barnes,” the doctor repeated warningly.

Barnes turned then. He looked almost as distraught as Sam felt, though there was a hard foundation to his expression where Sam had no foundation at all and was currently free falling through several stages of grief at once. “Your way isn’t working,” he snapped at the doctor. “He deserves to know. It’s his damn life.” Then he turned those steely, wet eyes on Sam. “He died before I met you. During a night mission. It grounded the EXO-Falcon program and you were living here, in DC, when you met Steve Rogers.”

“What?” Sam asked. He felt entirely hollowed out. Barnes’ words were entering his ears and then banging around in his skull without sticking to anything. There was an all-consuming terror and grief that was snaking around every muscle and nerve and fiber and bone in his body, constricting him inwards until he was sure he was going to crumble into nothing.

“Then you met me. I was worse then. You saved the world. You trained to become an Avenger. You kept looking for me. Eventually, you found me, though it was more complicated than that. You became a wanted fugitive for breaking a UN declaration about superheroes. You were on the run for a few years. We saved the world again, after different kinds of complications. You and I eventually reconnected, stopped a terroristic threat, moved in together, and have been running the Central Campus since. Oh, and you became Captain America.”

“What the fuck is happening?” Sam breathed. “Is this a joke? Are you pranking me? What the fuck is happening?!”

“Sam, I swear to God, I’m not lying to you. You’re a superhero. You were best friends with Steve Rogers for years. You stole the wings back and were a hero called the Falcon. You’re Captain America now. Steve gave you the shield. We’ve been training new heroes. Saving the day over and over again. We were just fighting these things that distort time. I think they fucked with your head.”

The doctor was looking at Barnes with a wildly unimpressed look on his face. “Though said completely without tact, Sergeant Barnes is correct. I would like to help you, though,” he added quickly. “I think I can find a spell to reverse the effects of the time distortion.”

“It’s not distortion,” Barnes snapped. “They stole it from him.”

And then, all of a sudden, the doctor’s expression almost seemed to soften, like a realization dawning over him. Whatever it was, he didn’t vocalize it. “I will need to examine you more thoroughly to assess the full extent of the damage,” he told Sam. “And then I can begin to create a solution.”

“How can you possibly find a solution for this? This is insane. You are both insane. Let me out. I want to go home.” He tried to swing his legs free from the bed, but his head swam so heavily he almost pitched backwards. Barnes was there faster than anyone should be able to move. His hands were like hot coals through Sam’s shirt as he held Sam steady.

“You were affected by magic,” the doctor said. “I happen to know my fair share of it too. I do think returning home may be beneficial. If familiar surroundings should jog your memory, it may go a long way to breaking the spell.”

This wasn’t a fairytale. Spells and magic and lost memories, lost loves. This was impossible. He didn’t want any of this.

“Sergeant Barnes, I assume you will be alright with Mr. Wilson at home?” the doctor said.

“Could use a lift,” Barnes answered drily. His arms were still around Sam, rubbing at his ribs mindlessly. Sam shrugged them off.

The doctor ticked his head to the side and then flicked his wrist. A tear in the world opened up right in the middle of the hospital room. Sam leapt to his feet and Barnes stayed right beside him to hold him up. Which was good because Sam’s knees were clacking together with exertion and disbelief.

“What the hell?” he asked, staring at the room in the middle of the room. It was somewhere in Louisiana. Sam would know that in his bones. The color of the sky outside the windows, the way the paint on the railing peeled, the swaying grasses and mosses. He could practically smell the salt air. It was home.

“Magic,” Barnes said. “Come on. Help me through.”

Somehow, Sam found himself walking towards the glowing circle and then stepping through. Well, lurching through maybe, like all the distance that should’ve been between them and home was whipping by him all at once. And suddenly he was home.

It wasn’t the Wilson house, but it couldn’t have been very far from it. Without thinking, Sam stepped away from Barnes and stumbled to the window. He wrenched it open and let the early fall air breeze into the house. He took his first deep breath of the afternoon.

“How long has it been?” he asked as the sea air calmed him down.

“If you think you’re still in the Air Force? At least fourteen years.”

“And Riley’s really dead?”

“I would never lie to you about that,” Barnes said with a sharp, protective edge to his voice. “If I could bring him back to you, I would.”

Sam nodded like a bobblehead. He kind of forgot he was doing it eventually. “And who are you?”

Continue on AO3

[millerflintstone]

Back in August of 2019 when my sister passed away, one of my cousins in Guatemala took my mom in. My mom was 79 and had not been taking care of herself. My sister had not been taking care of herself or my mom either. This cousin lived two doors down from my mom and sister. Unfriendly and I stayed with them when we visited in 2020 before the pandemic hit. This cousin lived with her mom and uncle (my first cousins - my mom's oldest sister's kids), and her two boys. They were 17 and 10 at the time.

This cousin is a couple of years younger than me. I am eternally grateful that she and her family were able to take care of my mom. At that time, I had been scheduled for a hysterectomy where we weren't 100% sure if the findings were just going to be just endometriosis or endo with cancer because I had been bleeding a lot. In the time it took me to heal, a global pandemic started. When I was finally able to get to Guatemala, my mom's medical team advised against her traveling at the time because of her COPD and other health concerns. Then, the pandemic caused lockdowns so even if she had been okay to travel, she didn't get the chance to do so. My mom passed in 2021.

All of this backstory is to share that part of me did feel super responsible for helping my cousin when I could. I mean, how do you repay that kind of generosity, right? The big thing she helped with was getting the house my dad bought my grandparents transferred to my mom's name. It was in my sister's name. HorribleAunt initially wanted to be able to "help" me in getting things fixed because she wanted her grubby hands on it. I completely shut her out. The house got transferred into my cousin's name and my mom's name. Now that she's passed, it's my cousin's now as far as I'm concerned and I'm glad the legal steps went through. I wanted that house to stay in the family for family that needed it. It's not in the best shape but she has improved it.

I was able to continue to help out them out financially after my mom passed until I quit my job last year. I had to let my cousin know I couldn't continue and explained my burnout and depression that just cumulated after the past 5 years. We eventually also had to let them know we couldn't share our Netflix account anymore because of the password thing they did and also because we were cutting costs.

A couple of weekends ago, she messaged me for money because her youngest was at the clinic due to severe constipation. I had to break down some of our current debt to her because while we are better off than she is, it honestly wouldn't take a whole lot of bad things happening for us to be in danger. We're not in immediate danger, but we're also not the answer. I was able to help a little but I didn't divulge the minor jobs I currently have or the job offer I recently took.

Then last weekend, she asked me if in the future she thought I'd be able to help her come to the States. I was honest and told her I absolutely could not promise that right now and had to redefine our financial concerns just for ourselves. She has no concept of the expense of life in America. She suggested her selling the house and looking for something smaller but I told her not to look into that. I had gone looking for the possibility of a different house for my mom and sister years ago and was surprised to find that at the time, the prices were not much different than in GA and that it would just be another expense.

I was talking to Unfriendly about it and he also agreed for them to not sell the house to help us.

This cousin was diagnosed with BPD so I'm not sure if she was off meds and having an episode or what. She seems to want to escape her life (don't we all?) but I am not the answer to that. I finally feel free of the obligation I felt towards my mother and sister. I'm not continuing that on. I don't want to feel that ever again.

[athyathye]

Pov : you're the youngest haitani (preschooler) and the older brothers are tasked to take care of their younger sister.

"But I don' wan' to go" for a 4 your-old your vocabulary was unsurprisingly advanced, after all you spent most of your life at home with grown-ups who never tried to take their eyes off of you.

Truth to be told, your parents really were sick of their two sons, becoming close to criminals....as much as they loved them, they'd be damned if they were gonna let another good apple go bad, not if they could have anything to say about that.

"It'll only be for a bit sweetie~ mommy will be back as soon as possible" your mother had kissed you're forehead, pulling your cheeks to make you stop frowning, if that continued, no doubt she'd have to make her sons deal with temper tantrum.

"B-b-but" "now now y/n, even Rin wasn't that clingy, don't you want to spend time with your older brothers?" Ran had cooed, bending down to pick you up. Before getting shot down by your response.

"No, you're old. And to be honest she prolly doesn't love you as much as me" You said curtly, avoiding his reaching arms, to which made Rindou pat his back mockingly.

"How old do you think he is y/n?" your mother had amusedly asked, knowing just how much you were kind of taking after them with your unconsciously bluntly tongue.

"I dunno....maybe the last number?" You curiously said as you looked up at the bending Rindou before glancing at Ran who had a tick mark.

"Kid-" "Don't you f*xking curse at her-"

*bonk!* "Need I remind you boys, you are taking care of a child. Anything you say or do, she will copy, at least do me a favor and set a good example for the youngest. Especially you Ran."

"Yes mom." they both simultaneously said, not wanting to make their mother any more disappointed at them.

"Now I get why they call daddy an obedient dog.."

"I am calm, I am non-violent, I will not hit a child" Ran forced himself to breath evenly, going as far as too stretch his hands

"Dang right!" You exclaimed gleefully.

"Watch over her for us, yeah? Got a meetin' to attend." Ran curtly said, holding your in one arm as you played with his braids.

"Uhhh- I- yes. Sure. Sir." The bozo who had been tasked glanced worryingly at you, who looked like you were bored out of your mind.

"If you're that scared of a 4-year-old just do whatever she wants and you'll be fine" Rin glanced amusingly at them, not bothering to hide the fact that he found two grown men who knew nothing about children take care of one.

"Yeah! Listen to my older brother! He has the glasses so he's smart....like Gary hotter"

"I think you meant Harry Potter....and ain't he like dead?"

"*Gasp* RIN TAKE YOUR GLASSES OFF YOU'RE GONNA DIE-"

"f*xking *ssholes i swear to g-"

"F*ck hehehehe~"

Rindou looked just about ready to ascend as he didn't bother to block the oncoming hit from his older brother. Relishing in the way you shut up after hearing the loud sound.

"Now, y/n. We're gonna go do some grown-up stuff. Make a mess, but not too much of a mess." He didn't bother telling you to stay disciplined, after all, you were a Haitani.

It was in your genes to make a mess and take the lead.

Walking around the streets with the bozo wasn't too bad, he kept quiet for the most part and did whatever it was that you wanted or needed.

"Sometimes, I just imagine myself getting ran over by a car....you know?" Your words made him nervously laugh. What kind of demon child were you-

That was when you heard the sound of a pitiful animal.

You curiously glanced around, hoping to find the living object that was obviously calling for help.

"Hey mister do you hear that?" You tugged at his shirt.

"Hear what?" He tried to smile at you, though it honestly just looked like he was constipated.

"That."

"I don't hear a thing-"

"Shouldn't have asked you then."

Your expensive and cute looking boots were now what you were focusing on, at least that's what he thought.

You were looking down on the cover of a manhole. Hearing the cries of a small animal.

"Can you pick this up? I think my brother can."

'Is this kid saying I'm not as strong as that Ran b*tch?"

"Kid, watch a pro do it." He said before grabbing the cover, easily taking it off as he wiped his hands with his clothes.

"Hey! Jason! We need some help here, boss gave us orders." A new person had called out to him, not seeing the child that was you , being hidden by his buff figure.

"Coming!" He replied, looking at you who was now gathering up a bunch of flowers.

He figured he could leave you for now, it didn't seem like too bad of idea. He carried on with the tasks, wanting to be in the good graces of their boss.

"....here kitty kitty kitty"

Uh oh.

"Hey... jace right?" Ran had called out to the familiar face. Walking towards him with Rindou in tow.

"Uh- its Jason sir-"

"Where's y/n?" Both brothers looked around for the smaller version of them.

"Ah! Ieft her outside for a moment, boss. Figured she could've used some fresh air"

"....you left a 4-year-old outside?" "Are you f*cking stupid?!" Rindou raged as Ran held himself back from sucker punching the stupid bozo.

"Find her, if she even has the smallest scratch on her... best believe your body would be drifting away in some lake tomorrow" Ran had threateningly said, his gaze as sharp as Rindou's.

Almost identical in the way they were glaring at him, causing the poor lad to take huge breath to not pee himself.

"Of course! Of course!" He ran towards where he left you, not bothering to look back because he was sure as hell they were following him.

That was when they found you, inside the manhole with only your lower half visible. Your cute little stubby legs barely holding you.

"Y/n!!!" They both shouted. Ran immediately pulled you up by your waist, feeling completely ready to die from how fast his heart was beating.

"I found a pussy!" Was the first thing you said, which made them freeze. All color draining from their eyes as they looked at the now dirty you.

"Y-y/n w-wha-"

"The old men who were walking by earlier heard the meows too! At least I think they did! So they called out to a pussy....though I don't think they found it."

You glanced down, petting the stray kitten in your arms as it purred from your touch.

Ran facepalmed, having had enough of how terrible older brothers they were.

"You, you could've called out to one of the people inside to help you. You could've asked them to help you"

"Eh? I didn't know. I don't know a thing. I'm 4 Jennifer."

I'm very much half asleep lol! So this is not proofread~ wanted to make the usual blurb but got this instead lol

Part 2

[merlinssassybeard]

Tags- established relationship angst fluff abortion blah blah

Random 3

Gojo x married reader

Ch 4 too close too far

You are special grade sorcerer turned salary person

.

You're 28,

You like kids. You truly do. But now..... now is not the right time, neither its with the right person. Yes that's right, the almighty gojo satoru is not the right person to have a kid with. Its not like he's a badman, or will be bad dad but its just not the right time. He and you are still young. You both have still so many things to learn and take care of, you have your work and he's got his students, his clan, the missions to look after, well now then, we all know how busy he is so no explanation needed there. Besides, he's too in deep with the higherups. And anyways, you have been getting hibijibis recently, the bad kinda hibijibis.

This is the excuse you gave yourself standing infront of an abortion clinic. With your handbag in one hand and your phone in the other. Your fingers were itching to call the father of the lil pumpkin in you. But you didn't. Yes, you never told satoru. Besides he's in Africa to meet one of his students, yuta, for some important stuff.

It had been 3 months since you last had done it with gojo before he got busy with his errands here and there and then a week ago before he left for Africa.

You palms were sweaty, very sweaty till the attendant nurse called you "Mrs yn gojo!". Well shit shitt, its time you thought.

The doctor was a nice lady in her 50s. As you changed and laid down, she noticed your nervousness " don't worry mrs gojo, it won't hurt" she said with a sweet warm smile and small press on your hands to assure you, the very thing you needed at a moment like this.

"So, you have talked to the father i presume?" She asked, indirectly giving you time to rethink, a chance to chicken out.

"No." You replied with visible sadness.

"Does he not want one?" Still, again, she's giving you a chance to back out

"I don't know. I don't want him to know. I don't want to trouble him. He's already got way too much on his plate." You murmured to yourself as you clutched onto the cloth you changed into.

"Are you sure yn? You know what you're doing right? You look like you want to keep it, that's why I'm asking you. Are you su—"

"Yes, i am ready. Please proceed. I don't wish to have any kids." You said, with a little confidence reflecting in your voice "It'd be too dangerous for the kid anyway" you concluded.

"Alright then! We'll proceed" she finalised and patted your head "it will be alright, don't worry, the surgical method is very reliable " she assured as she left to prepare.

Yes, you chose the surgical method since its reliable than the pills for a person who is 2 and a half months pregnant.

.

You drove home. Numb. You have never felt this numb and alone in your whole life.

What have i done you thought as you scratched your head opening the door of your apartment and went to your bedroom, ignoring everything, and just fell on the bed.

"What the fuck have i done!!!" You screamed to the top of your lungs, enough for people on groundfloor to hear.

"What have you done?" You stood up in shock as you heard.......

"Sa...sat...satoru?"

"What have you done? Is everything okay?" He asked you as he neared you.

"Why are you here? Weren't you suppo-"

"Well the work's finished and i will be busy tomorrow, so i thought to see how you're doing." " Its the exchange event tomorrow! !" He said with a childish smile and peace sign.

Ah, only if you could be as happy as him.

"Well, I'm fine. " you said with a sigh clearly exhausted.

"Well you look....constipated. are you seriously good?" He asked with a slight worry in his tone

"Yeah. Just stomache. Ate too much junk food. Don't worry." You said as you fell on the bed face down again, too tired.

"You should freshen up I'll make you something and then you can doze off" he said as he patted your head.

"Mmmmmm, i don't have the strength to talk. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll talk. Need sleep." You said

"Yo you remember you promised me you'd come at the exchange event?"

"What?!" You mumbled as you remembered promising him that you'd go at the event. "Well fuck "

"Its okay. You don't have to come. You should rest." He said as he leaned down to kiss your head.

He twitched. Something didn't feel right, he sensed and it clearly doesn't feel like constipation. Were you hiding something?

"Hey, are you sure you're not.... hiding something? " he asked with a doubt and worry in his voice.

"Why do you ask?" You lifted your head as you looked at his black sweatshirt and then his celestial eyes.

"Ah nevermind darling!!" He said smiling "just rest, if you need anything I'm here" he said placing a kiss on your forehead.

You didn't reply. He left the room as he turned off the lights and blew a kiss at the door frame.

.

Who the hell in this world will believe that you just had an abortion few hours ago? Guess You're really good at hiding stuff.

Just few minutes after he left you felt a stinging pain in lower abdomen. Without wasting a single second you front flipped to the bathroom to the sink and puked the fuck out of your guts. You heard the door bang open, it was satoru. He came running and was shocked at first but he then held your hair back as you emptied your guts.

"Would you mind telling me now what is going on?" He asked as you entered the room after rinsing your mouth and washing your face. "And i can tell its definitely not your 'junk food'."

"I will go tomorrow." you said as you took a breath and slowly changing to your pyjamas.

"And you think I'll let you go?" He asked lowering his sunglasses. "Look sugar, i know I'm not really your traditional huaband ok! I get it! Still you have to tell me what's wrong! " concern reflecting in his voice.

You looked at him and thought of what the doctor said, "you'll be fine don't worry. Take these medicines in time as mentioned. You'll feel like puking and nauseated and there'll be bleeding very often for about.....say 3 days maximum. So don't worry. Make a visit again in a month for a checkup."

"Toruuu trust me will ya! I'm all fine. I really want to go tomorrow and see the kids play. Would it hurt you to let me go?!" You said as you sat down on the bed next to him, looking much better now than before.

'Something smells south' his senses told him. You took his sunglasses off as he was about to speak and pecked his nose and cheeks.

"What a cutie pie you are, my satoru" you said looking straight into his eyes.

You both dozed off. You slept on his arms wrapped but later you got away from him turned your back to him because you felt kind of weird. You felt as if though a part of your heart was cut off of you. Your motherly instincts were getting the best of you by cursing you for killing your own child. 'I want a kid but now is not the time!' You told yourself as tears rolled down your cheeks. You turned to look at a sleeping gojo. His hair white as snow, his skin as soft as feather and with the moon shining on him, his features looked as if though he is the reincarnation of the moon god.

You couldn't believe what you've done. You took away a chance at a new life. A different life. A life of responsibility. A life of happiness. A life of new beginnings, no matter the cost...

.

how did the baby came? Well...find out here👇

Bleh bleh lol. I'm a sucker for angst, pain, self depreciation and fluff and mainly smut.

I hope you all like it. And yes, i will write a chapter 2 because as i said I'm a sucker for angst and toxicity and everything bad🥲😘😉

[yoonpobs]

know your worth | myg | m

pairing: min yoongi x oc (ft. maknae line and an unsuspecting joon)

genre: fluff, SMUT

warnings: jealous yoongi, smut, penetrative sex, fingering, dom!yoongi

words: 9, 610

summary: happy birthday yoongi

"You could always offer something else," Jimin whispers conspiratorially.

You raise an eyebrow, chopsticks stopping halfway as you reach for your vegetables, piqued by Jimin's suggestion.

"And that is ...?" You pry.

Jimin shrugs his shoulders, a slight smirk on his lips as his eyes narrow at you when he leans forward with a suggestive look on your face.

You still looked as clueless as ever, and Jimin wants to pat your head and tell you that you were far too pure for this world because ... well, a lot of things flew past you. Even after you and Yoongi crossed the lines of more than just trainer and trainee, you were still the sharp yet sweet girl that lived life simply.

"What else can a man and a woman do together?" He hints at you, voice still low.

Your brows furrow when you shove another bite into your mouth and chew, pondering his question before you decide that you weren't sure.

"You know going on dates is difficult here," You sigh, "The council is always popping by for inspections and you know how Yoongi gets when his superiors are here."

Jimin snorts, stealing a bao from your plate.

"Yoongi has a sword up his ass half the time. You need to loosen him up—if you catch my drift." He winks.

You huff, folding your arms across your chest, wondering why on earth was Jimin speaking in riddles around you as if you weren't close enough to discuss any matter. You always thought of Jimin as a brother to you, even if you were older than him—he often pampered you and took care of you on days where your body was weary.

"Will you just tell me what you mean? Enough of this talking in circles." You frown.

He pats your head and you want to bite his arm off like an animal, but that would probably just get him to tell on you to Yoongi. Even if your relationship had escalated, Yoongi is Yoongi. Stern, professional and truly—uptight.

"Oh dear _____," He sighs, leaning his cheek against his palm as he stares at you, "Have you not had any experience with men before you arrived at the temple?"

You glare at him when he snickers at your abashed expression, cheeks reddening at his bluntness.

"I-I never had the time. And men weren't interesting from where I was," You mumble.

"More like you have a type," He points out.

You scoff and take the last bite of your meal before pushing the plate forward, more curious about Jimin's observation for the day.

"I don't. I like people based on atmosphere,"

Jimin scoffs like he doesn't believe you, and as if he knew how to read you better than yourself. But Jimin had always been very observant and he would say that he was right on people-reading ninety percent of the time.

"You, my friend, like being bossed around. You like men who are mean to you." Jimin snickers like a child as you gape at him, appalled at his suggestion, "Men back in town were far too polite. You like the assertive man who knows how to put you in your place."

You burn brightly when he laughs harder at your mortified face.

"I-I do not!" You vehemently deny, but the stutter in your voice only causes Jimin to sigh tauntingly.

"_____, Min Yoongi is mean as mean can get—don't get me wrong—he's a fundamentally good person but that man has no idea how to be nice to people. It's like his default method of social interaction is to insult people or scare people off with his face" Jimin says pointedly, "And you are one of the sadistic folks that like that."

You pout, sulking as you lean into your seat.

"He's nice to me ..." You mumble.

Jimin gives you a knowing look.

"Occasionally. But you like it when he's a little mean, don't you _____?" He smiles devilishly.

"Who's mean?" Jungkook slides into the seat next to you, whining at the both of you when he sees that you've eaten without him.

"Yoongi," Taehyung answers even if he's just joined the conversation.

"Oh. Totally. Did I tell you guys he told me I looked like wore the same underwear for a week?" Jungkook nods.

You look at your friends blandly, then shoot Jimin a glare as if to tell him he's started all of this.

"Jungkook. You do wear the same underwear for a week ..." Taehyung adds dryly.

You wince at the new set of information as Jungkook just shrugs nonchalantly as if he hadn't just exposed himself into being the poster-child of a boy.

"Why are we even talking about whether or not my boyfriend is mean or not?" You snap.

Taehyung's brows shoot up to his hairline as he shoots you a teasing smirk.

"Oh, are we on the boyfriend-girlfriend stage now?"

You hate the fact that you turn red at any moment where they opt to tease you, but the reminder just makes your heart flutter every time you think of Yoongi.

"Not really—I mean ... you know Yoongi," You parrot for the millionth time, "He doesn't really—he doesn't do things like that."

Jimin purses his lips.

"Aish. This hyung is really emotionally constipated."

Taehyung and Jungkook nod in agreement but all you do is brood further.

After the night that you and Yoongi took things ... further ... he never really explicitly said anything about where the two of you stood. In fact, you didn't expect him to either. Yoongi was a take-no-shits kind of person and he didn't fall into the trap of mediocrity. The way he expressed his affection was far different from the average individual and you saw that.

You knew that him holding you close that night to say that he believed in you was his way of showing you that he wanted you.

The secret and desperate kisses that you share from time to time when people weren't looking was also another method of his to show you that he was in this.

But sometimes you needed a little reassurance.

"_____, you need to be a little more proactive, which—" He looks up as if he remembered something, "—brings us back to the beginning of our conversation. You need to have sex with him."

Your eyes bulge out of your sockets as you begin choking on your own spit at the explicitness of his words. Even Taehyung and Jungkook are caught off-guard but Jimin simply looks like he's asked you about the weather forecast.

"How did you even come to that conclusion?!" You cry.

"Don't look at me like that! You said it yourself it was hard to go on dates here. Just fuck him in your private chambers and have him claim you with your magical pus—"

"I will literally slaughter you if you finish that sentence," You warn Jimin.

He puts his hands up in defense as he shrugs his shoulders.

"I mean, he's not wrong ..." Taehyung adds in.

"Of course you'd say that! The two of you are half a brain cell combined." You complain.

When you look over to Jungkook, the tips of his ears are red and you're as mortified as he is, but you've always known Jungkook to be a little shier than his hyungs.

"I mean you've kissed and stuff right? Over the clothes action?" Jimin gestures to his crotch area when he speaks of the activities that you and Yoongi have engaged in as you cover your face with your hands.

"Oh my God! How is that any of your business?" You shriek.

"You're complaining to me about the fact that you don't know what to get Yoongi for his birthday! The moment you came to me for advice is when this became my business!" Jimin retorts back, as loud as you were.

You were sure some of the maids were eyeing your bunch oddly but didn't pay too much mind because the four of you were the rambunctious types. Debatably, you only got dragged into their antics because you carried more authority in the temple than they did, and they came to you for help causing mischief.

"So, have you?" Taehyung pries for his friend.

You look away with flushed cheeks.

"We've kissed and stuff. He's like ..." You shudder, remembering his hands on you, "... maybe some light petting? I guess? That's it."

The fact that you've admitted that to your friends just makes you want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

"Wow. You really are a saint," Jungkook whistles and you feel a little betrayed that he's beginning to take Jimin and Taehyung's side.

"Shut up. It's not like you're any different," You snap, feeling your face get hotter when the men just snicker, “Besides … it’s not like I haven’t … tried … it’s just that I think Yoongi has this idea in his head that I need petals and roses and candles for my first time.”

You clamp your mouth shut in embarrassment, mortified that you’ve revealed too much. But your friends just blink at you, unmoved.

“Have you ever just … asked him? Or told him what you’re into?” Taehyung asks slowly.

You sigh deeply, “It’s not that easy … I have tried but he’s just so—gentle.”

Jungkook snickers and Taehyung thwarts him over his head as you glare at him.

“What? Do you want him to be rough or …?” Jimin raises an eyebrow.

You blush as you cover your face with your hands.

“Why are we talking about this.” You whine.

Taehyung scoffs, “Look. What better way to have this conversation if not with men themselves?”

You pin him with an unimpressed look before exhaling.

“It’s just … awkward …” You mumble.

“Noona, we’re not going to judge you for being a virgin. We were all virgins at one point.” Jungkook says.

Your eyes widen as you gape at him.

“You—?”

"Oh Noona," Jungkook pats your head, "I'm not as innocent as you think I am."

His hyungs snicker as you tilt your head in confusion, but decide to ask him about it to preserve the image of your friend in your head to be one of his purity. The three of them were handsome, and if you were any younger and if you lacked coherence, you would probably find yourself swooning over them as some of the temple ladies have as well.

"Look, _____," Jimin says, "It's not like Yoongi is gonna hate you if you be a little more forward. Trust me. He's just too conservative to actually do anything on his own. He probably wants to blow your back out."

You raise an eyebrow.

"Blow my back out ...?"

Taehyung snorts.

"Did you forget that _____ has been cooped up in this temple for months?"

Jimin opens his mouth to say ah as if he remembered that he had more freedom compared to you in returning to town to meet with the townsfolk, occasionally learning new slang with every visit.

"Doesn't matter—but—Yoongi is into you. I know hyung well enough to see his resolve slowly crumbling. All you need to do is take the first step. What better birthday present than the classical birthday sex?" Jimin shrugs.

You bite your lips as you mull over his words, considering his proposition even though you were terrified of embarrassing yourself in front of Yoongi.

"H-How do I do that?" You ask meekly.

Jimin smirks, and you can see the devil horns appear on the sides of his head.

"Yoongi looks calm and composed but ... there's always been a flaw of his that he doesn't show often," He giggles under a low breath, earning nods from both Taehyung and Jungkook.

"And that is?" You ask slowly.

“Envy.”

“So you want me to manipulate him into having sex with me by making him jealous …” You deadpan.

Jimin snorts.

“God, why do you word it like that? It’s not manipulation if Yoongi wants to do it regardless of the context. All he needs is a little push and you’ll have him destroying your uterus.”

You burn harder and hit Jimin’s arm so hard that he whines and clutches his arm, shooting you a vehement glare before Taehyung steps in with a grin.

“And we’ve got just the plan.”

"This is dumb. He won't react. He knows that you're like my little brother," You frown at Jungkook, as the two other men only rolled their eyes at your doubt.

"He will. It isn't rare knowledge to know that Jungkook had the fattest crush on you when you first came." Taehyung exposes his younger friend who's eyes only widen as you gape at him, information being unveiled to you.

"You did?" You ask in disbelief.

"Look. It lasted like—a day." Jungkook hastily defends himself, glaring at Taehyung.

Jimin shrugs his shoulders as he looks over yours to keep an eye out for Yoongi.

"Try a month, kid." Jimin snorts, "He used to drop tiger lilies by your door every night."

You gape at him in realisation.

"So that's where they came from ..."

Jungkook huffs, ears turning red as he quickly attempts to deflect the attention away from him.

"Okay, the point is: Yoongi knew too, which is why he wouldn't take so kindly to see his girl with Jungkookie," Taehyung reminds you.

You sigh.

"Not his girl ..." You mutter.

"Yada, yada," Jimin mocks, "I know you're your own person and stuff but like ... theoretically speaking, you aren't his girl ... yet."

You purse your lips, about to retort until Jimin shoves you and Jungkook aside, causing you to stumble into his chest with an oof as he catches you by the waist.

"Dude—!"

"Hyung. There you are!" Taehyung calls out cheerily, as Jungkook keeps his hold on you, blinking down at your confused face.

Only when do you turn your head do you see Yoongi walking over to the four of you, robes flowing behind him as he walks.

No matter how many times you're greeted with Yoongi's presence, it's like he takes your breath away every single time. His black hair is tousled across his forehead, with the occasional wind blowing strands of hair away. The deep-navy satin of his robe looks elegant, and you know that it's a precious fabric that comes with his experience.

His sword is tucked away in his belt as per usual as he nods his head to greet your friends, then his gaze is set on you.

More specifically, the way Jungkook is holding you by the waist.

"Careful." Is all he says.

You know it comes from a good place, Yoongi opting to be kind in his own way. That night with his sweet words was a unique experience for you both, and you still hear words of encouragement from time to time, but Yoongi was unalterably himself in a way that he knew how to make you feel wanted with more than just the number of words he says.

"Yeah," You say breathlessly, thanking Jungkook as you tug away from him.

You see Taehyung behind Yoongi, gesturing for you to grab Jungkook's arm to link it around yours.

"Thank you Kookie," You hum, albeit a little awkward, but enough to have Yoongi raising his eyebrow when you pat his head and caress his cheek.

"... I see you're enjoying your break," Yoongi acknowledges all of you instead of your tiny action towards Jungkook and you scrunch your eyebrows at the lack of care.

Jimin doesn't look too bothered, but instead, he uses his mischievous mind to plant another seed into Yoongi's.

"It's been good, hyung," He smiles but you see the mirth behind it, "Jungkook's been teaching ______ calligraphy."

Your eyes widen when Yoongi looks over at you, eyes momentarily darting to the way you're still clutching at Jungkook's robes.

“Um. Yeah," You choke awkwardly and Taehyung nearly facepalms himself at how bad you were at this.

"Jungkook's really good. I'm glad he's the one teaching me," You smile softly at Jungkook.

He returns your smile with a grin of his own, enjoying the way you're cuddled up against his arm. Even if this was all a show, he still had a soft lingering spot for you.

"Anything for my Noona, right?"

You're caught off-guard, and the blush on your cheeks is a genuine reaction when he smiles cheekily at you.

You roll your eyes at shove at his shoulder, but instead, he takes an opportunity to wrap an arm around your shoulder to tug your shoulder.

"She's a natural, hyung. Didn't even need much help," He taunts Yoongi.

Yoongi's face is still as impassive as ever as if he were speaking to his colleagues on town matters rather than his friends and unofficial 'girlfriend'.

"That's ... nice," He hums, eyeing you over once again.

He was never fond of too much affection in front of your friends, to the point where the dynamic between the five of you still remained pretty much the same before the night happened. The only difference was the knowledge of your feelings for Yoongi, and his apparent ones to you.

"By the way, Noona ..." Jungkook says, causing all your heads to turn to him.

You tilt your head, wondering what he wanted to say.

"These are for you." He smiles cheekily, handing over something from behind his back that you didn't catch earlier.

"Oh?" You receive the gift, and the flowers sit prettily in your grasp as Jungkook smiles down at you, looking more like a man by the second.

Where did he even get these?

"Remember the tiger lilies?" He teases.

You scoff but blush anyways, thanking Jungkook as you sniff at them, sighing at the pleasant fragrance.

"Looks like his crush is back ..." Taehyung mutters, and you know he's baiting Yoongi.

Yoongi simply purses his lips and rakes his eye across Jungkook before nodding curtly, bowing his head to excuse himself.

"Very well, then. Enjoy the rest of the day." Is all he leaves you with before he stalks off in the other direction.

You gape, displeased with the fact that Yoongi had shown little to no reaction to Jungkook's obvious flirting with you.

You sigh dejectedly, plopping to sit on the stoned floor, cradling your chin in your hands.

"It didn't work," You mutter, feeling all the more childish.

Taehyung snorts, patting your head as he sits next to you.

"Oh trust me, it worked. That was Yoongi mad,"

Jimin and Jungkook nod in agreement, and you're slightly baffled to see even Jungkook agreeing with him.

"What? He barely moved an inch. That's how he's always been." You tell them.

Jimin rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"I'm pretty sure he was thinking of a million different ways to detach Jungkook's limbs from his body so he'd never be able to lay a hand on you ever again," Jimin says out loud.

Even Jungkook flushes, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Sorry about the flowers, ______," He mutters, "I thought it would do the trick."

You smile softly at him as you pat his head.

"It's okay Jungkook. I needed some life in my room anyways,"

Jungkook sees what Yoongi sees in you.

"Well that was phase one so ..." Jimin clasps his hands together as you raise an eyebrow.

"There's more ...?"

Taehyung snorts, "Of course there's more. Consistency is key _______."

You sigh, pushing yourself up as you head towards the ladies.

"You guys continue scheming, but I need to head to the bathroom,"

"Freshen up for your night with him, will you?" Taehyung calls over, and you flip him off with your finger.

.

The three men have surrendered themselves to work, apologising that they couldn't help you carry out your plan of making Yoongi jealous.

You laughed it off, waving them goodbye when they pouted at you. You weren't upset, realising that it was childish for you to do so in the first place.

You're sitting by the pavilion, admiring the fresh bloom of flowers as Spring nears when you hear a swoosh of feet by your ears as you turn your head to be greeted with—

"Hi, I'm sorry to disturb but I was just wandering around the grounds," You bow your head at the greeting of the stranger, a man who wears a robe similar to Yoongi as you stand up, offering him a small smile.

"Hello! And you are ...?" You trail off, awaiting his introduction.

He smiles bashfully at you as he scratches the back of his neck.

"Ah, my apologies. My name is Namjoon. I'm one of the new trainers here?" He finishes up with a question as your eyes widen.

"Oh! You're Kim-ssi?"

You've heard Yoongi mention to you once or twice that he would be needing an assistant with the influx of swordsmen coming to this particular temple to be trained, especially since his priority was training you—he needed the extra help.

Namjoon, or Kim-ssi, was extremely tall. He basically towered over you, and you think he's even taller than Taehyung. He's all limbs and stature, but you can tell that he's strong—his physique only further proving that he was fit to be a trainer, to be hired under the same roof as Yoongi.

He nods his head as he looks you over—in a way that was like he was admiring you, and not particularly distasteful.

“And may you be ______-ssi?” He asks slowly.

You nod your head at him and give him a kind smile.

“Yes, I am. I’m surprised you knew who I was.” You joke lightly.

Namjoon breaks into a dimpled grin before nodding his head, eager to continue the conversation.

“I’ve heard many things about you, especially your sword-wielding skills and the fact you are the first woman to be selected as the chosen one.” Namjoon informs you, “I must say that I was thoroughly impressed. I’ve seen your practices be replicated and it is highly complex.”

You bow your head in gratitude as you find your ears heating up at the praise.

“Thank you, Namjoon-ssi. That means a lot to me.”

“And you are much more beautiful in person, _______-ssi," He breathes.

Your eyes widen, hands falling limp as you bow your head in embarrassment at the sudden compliment.

Even though he practically towers over you, and is large in stature as well—he seems like a very genuine person, with pure intentions when he complimented you.

You also notice how handsome he is, dimples indenting his cheeks when he grins at you and eyes that scream comfort.

"O-Oh, thank you Namjoon-ssi," You mumble.

He offers you a genuine smile as you awkwardly fiddle with your thumbs, a lot more flustered with the sudden interaction.

"I was just exploring the grounds before I start tomorrow. Thought I familiarise myself first, right?" He chuckles a deep rumbling through his chest.

You look up at him brightly.

"The temple is truly beautiful. My favourite place is this pavilion," You gesture to the space you were in.

His head follows your hands as he takes in the place with his mouth open in awe.

"It is. Do you mind if I accompany you?" He asks.

You nod your head, patting the spot next to where you were sat previously.

"Of course—"

"_______-ssi."

A voice breaks you out of your interaction with Namjoon as you turn your head to spot Yoongi standing behind you, arms tucked behind his back as he levels a firm stare on both of your figures.

Namjoon reacts before you do, standing to his feet and bowing ninety-degrees to Yoongi, who only keeps his expression vacant.

"Min-nim, it's nice to see you here." He bows hastily.

Yoongi doesn't pay you any mind when he simply hums in acknowledgement at his greeting.

The oddly cold exterior doesn't slip past you as you raise an eyebrow at him, attempting to get his attention when you fold your arms across your chest.

"I see you've met ______-ssi," Yoongi says curtly.

The honorific and lack of familiarity in his voice doesn't slip past you as you narrow your eyes to him, wondering what he was playing at.

"I have. She was kind enough to allow me to accompany her by the pavilion." Namjoon smiles.

Yoongi clicks his tongue, taking a step towards you as he observes the view of the garden that lays within the pavilion.

"Kind indeed ..." Yoongi says.

You huff.

"She is truly as beautiful as the town folks have said," Namjoon admires shyly once again when he looks you over.

A blush reappears on your cheeks, and even under the dim lighting, Yoongi can see the tint on the apple of your cheeks.

His eyes harden when Namjoon looks at you with pure fondness.

"And so they have." Yoongi clips.

"Maybe even more ..." Namjoon adds shyly.

You smile, appreciating his generosity and honesty.

Yoongi, on the other hand, only hardens his jaw when he sees the way Namjoon's eyes basically twinkle when you shoot a stunning smile at him, probably captivated by your beauty that was far more than just your appearance—but your reputation.

"Thank you Namjoon-ssi," You bow, hair falling by your face.

Namjoon notices, and as the gentlemen, he is—he reaches out to tuck it behind your ear.

But Yoongi's hand reaches out to stop him before he can reach you.

Namjoon's eyes widen at the sudden grip on his wrist, glancing over at Yoongi who still has an expression of nothingness on his face. Even you're shocked at Yoongi's blatant act of prevention.

"I believe that the council would like to meet you, Namjoon-ssi."

Yoongi sounds oddly collected for a man who has a tight grip on Namjoon's wrist. Namjoon looks between the two of you, and it was as if the atmosphere breezed past him, he knew exactly why Yoongi acted the way he did.

"O-Of course Min-nim." He quickly bows, bidding farewell before he scurries off—unable to meet your eyes when Yoongi presses his stare until his figure disappears.

You glare at Yoongi with your arms folded across your chest.

"Why did you scare him like that?" You scold.

Yoongi doesn't say anything but keeps his gaze focused on the garden.

"I did no such thing."

You scoff, stomping towards him until you're right by his side, willing him to look at you.

"Namjoon was being nice," You huff petulantly.

Yoongi simply side-eyes you for a brief second before he brings his sword to his front.

"Was Jungkook being nice too?"

So he noticed?

Your eyes widen when he casually brings up the younger boy as you splutter for a response.

"What? Of course! Jungkook's always been nice to me." You frown.

Yoongi hums, still uncharacteristically quiet for when the two of you were alone. Especially after the shift in your relationship.

"He has a crush on you," He deadpans, eyes focused on you now.

You roll your eyes.

"Had, Yoongi. He has a kind heart," You reason with him.

Yoongi raises an eyebrow at your statement.

"So you knew about his crush, then? The tiger lilies?" He pries.

You furrow your eyebrows at his questions.

"Yeah?" You say, confused, "I thought it was really sweet."

He tongues the inside of his cheek the way you found unreasonably attractive as you attempt to focus on the conversation rather than what Yoongi was making you feel.

"Sweet. Huh."

You sigh, pulling at Yoongi's robe so he'd properly look at you, even if you were inches shorter than he was.

You're about to speak, but Yoongi interrupts you.

"What about Namjoon?" He prompts.

You blink at him.

"... what about him?" You furrow your brows.

Yoongi has the ability to master his stoic expression given any context, and it's slightly unnerving how hard it is to read what exactly he's getting at when there isn't an inch of emotion on his pale face.

"Is he sweet?"

You snort.

"You've met him, right?" You joke, "He called me beautiful from the moment we met."

Yoongi raises an eyebrow.

"And how did that make you feel?"

You tilt your head to the side when you see Yoongi's eyes harden a little. But you allude it to the dark of the night approaches.

"Flattered? I mean—he isn't too bad on the eyes either." You tease, only meaning it to be a light quip.

But then Yoongi tugs you into his chest, hand wrapping tightly around your waist as he uses his other hand to tilt your chin up to look at him.

Your eyes widen as you place your hands on Yoongi's chest, attempting to place some distance at the sudden proximity.

"Do you want him to be your trainer then?" He asks, voice low.

Your breath hitches when his finger twirls the stray hand of hair from your face, fingers then proceeding to trail down your jaw as you attempt to think of an answer.

"I-I ... I mean if he must."

Yoongi's grip on your waist tightens.

"It's a yes or a no, _______." His tone warning when he leans closer to your face.

"Y-Yoongi ... people can see." You chuckle nervously, hands resting on his chest but making no real effort to push him away.

He ignores you and squeezes your chin between his thumb and index finger.

"Hm. So you're okay with Jungkook's hand on your waist as you coo at him while the maids walk past but not me just checking on my apprentice?"

You glare at him while his grip remains tight on your chin.

"Oh, I guess I'm back to just an apprentice, huh? That's better than ______-ssi," You say, indignation laced in your voice.

He doesn't respond, but you see his eyes trail over your face as if taking in the slope of your nose, the pores on your skin and the way your eyelash flutters with every blink of your eyes.

“So is that a yes or no, ______."

You sigh.

"Of course not," You frown, "I ... I like you training me."

He purses his lips, nose brushing against yours as you're as captivated by him as he seemed to be with you.

"You're such a silly girl." He sighs.

You gape at him when he releases your chin, turning his back to you.

You tug on his robe, attempting to get his attention as you wriggle against his back.

"What—why?" You cry.

His back is warm against you when you lean your chin against his shoulder blades.

"You don't see it, don't you?" He hums.

You whine, pulling at his sleeves so at least he'd look at you when he spoke to you.

"Yoongi!" You huff.

He sighs, turning around, eyes still dark.

"The way those men look at you." He growls, demeanour suddenly shifting to a much more ... animalistic one.

Your eyes widen when he tugs your body to his again, pushing you up against the pillar by the pavilion.

"What—"

Your words are cut short when he nuzzles his nose into your neck, mouth biting at your skin that causes you to gasp, melting into his embrace.

"Do you know how tempting you are?" He snarls into your neck.

Your knees are weak as his hot breath fans against the nape of your neck that makes you hold onto his shoulders for support.

"I'm not ..." You weakly mumble, eyes blown out when you look down at Yoongi's black mop of hair in the space between your collarbones and your jaw.

He chuckles darkly.

"Namjoon looked absolutely taken with you. Like he wanted to make you his. Like he doesn't know that you train under me," He spits as if the idea disgusted him.

Your eyes soften, loosely wrapping your fingers around Yoongi's hair.

"But you—"

"Shut up." He snaps, tugging at the ribbon that keeps your robe and bottom half modest.

Your eyes widen at where his hands swerve too but don't make any effort to stop him.

"Even Jungkook," He hisses, hand rubbing tight circles against your thigh.

This was the most forward Yoongi has been, both in public and in private and you're revelling in his touch. You don't dare to ask where this is going, but the way his hands drift upwards between your thighs tell you enough.

"That brat looked at you with stars in his eyes as if his hyung wasn't right there."

"Jungkook is—"

"Sweet. I heard you the first time, ______." He snaps back.

His hand is occupied between your thighs but never reaching far enough to satiate the head in your lower region.

You feel the fabric of your underwear turn uncomfortable, the wetness undoubtedly pooling between your thighs with the way Yoongi is treating you.

"It took everything in me to not rip his limbs off."

Jimin was right. You wanted to laugh, but there was nothing funny about the way Yoongi looks at you with carnal desire.

"I-I'm ..." You stutter, when he spreads your thighs, hooking his own thigh between your own so you'd have some form of support.

"What?" He snaps, noticing the way your hair is sprawled across your face. His hand sweeps it away, but his eyes are still stressed on your flushed cheeks.

You can't seem to get the words out, especially when Yoongi's looking at you like that, his strong thigh between your legs as the thin fabric of your pants left little to imagine of how he feels against your clit.

You gasp, when Yoongi grabs your hips to grind you against his thigh, the silky yet rough texture of his pants brushing up against your throbbing bud. You can feel your wetness seeping through your pants, and potentially staining his.

He smirks at your open mouth as you try to level out your gasps, your own hips acting at their own accord.

"Bet Namjoon and Jungkook would kill to see you like this." He boasts.

A hand reaches to your chin to snap your head firmly enough to look at him.

You whine when he squeezes your cheeks mockingly, tensing his thigh as he hisses—your wetness sopping through both fabrics.

"Noooo." You whine, voice turning into a moan.

"Exactly," He snarls, sucking a mark onto your neck so roughly that it causes you to push up against him.

"Only I get you like this, right? This is for my eyes only?" Yoongi spits, his hands busy with groping up and down your body, hand reaching to your slacks until he moves his thigh away, hands replacing them.

The moment his hand cups your mound, you gasp, feeling the way how his big hand covers it entirely.

"This pussy gets wet for only me, right?" He prompts you with a growl.

You nod your head, voice failing you, afraid of revealing your activities to the temple's maids that stayed at nearby quarters.

The feeling is foreign but definitely not unwelcome. Yoongi had a way of navigating his way with your body that made you fall limp in his arms, eager to wait for his next moves.

Yoongi's hand expertly slips inside the waistband of your pants as his knuckle presses against your clit directly, causing more wetness to pool out.

You hear his curse under your breath, and you're not far off when you clutch his hair as his head rests against your neck to continuously suckle marks as a symbol of his desire.

"I've barely done anything and you're this wet?" He taunts and you burn at the way he looks up at you after what seems like a long time, his lips curling into a smirk and eyes blown out with his primitive wants.

Your lips are swollen even though he's yet to connect his lips to your own, purely because you've been biting on them so hard as you await Yoongi's next moves.

You've heard fellow peers speak of their experiences with the temple's men, saying that if done correctly, fingers is all it took for them to wash over in pleasure.

The way Yoongi navigates his thumb between the fabric of your panties to the throb of your clit is done perfectly, and you almost turn sour to think of his past lovers that he's touched so intimately.

You're distracted when he presses down firmly on your clit, wetness lubricating his digits that cause delicious pleasure to bloom in your core.

"F-Fuck," You whimper.

He smirks as his other hand that was used to hold you up against the pillar, yanking your robe open to be greeted with your bra. You flush, feeling all the more exposed against the cool air as the tugs your cups down, mouth latching immediately onto your nipple.

"Y-Yoongi—ah—" You gasp when he focuses kitten licks to your nipple, while the rest of his other hand tugs your panties aside to glide his fingers along your slit.

The feeling is overwhelming, both as his hot mouth seems determined to leave bruises on your breasts, as well as his other hand teasingly prods your quivering hole that only seems to release endless streams of your honeyed essence.

"You're a sight to behold," He exhales, breath caught against your breast.

You can't respond because you're too captivated when you see his hand in your pants, firmly pressed against your core in suspense for more. Yoongi's eyes harden as he bites down on your breast, causing you to let out a cry far too loud for your liking.

Your eyes widen as you clamp your mouth shut, attempting to labour your breathing.

"Do you want to get caught, hm? Is that why you can't keep that mouth of yours shut?" He growls, mouth licking a stripe up your neck—to your chest until he's whispering the words against your mouth.

"F-Fingers, Yoongi," You mewl.

He envelopes your mouth with his, tongue immediately making a home in your mouth as you whine against his lips, sounds of pleasure getting swallowed by his tongue.

"Do you think you're in the position to be making demands?" He snaps, pulling away as you chase his mouth, whining when you miss the contact.

You whimper, shaking your head; absolutely loving the way Yoongi is treating you.

Jimin's words ring in your head momentarily, but you're interrupted yet again with the way Yoongi slips a finger in.

Your mouth opens in a gasp, finally feeling his long digit enter you.

You're wet enough that your pussy welcomes the intrusion with even more lubrication, and his finger becomes familiar with your heat as if you've done this a million times before.

"This okay?" He whispers softly against your cheek, snapping out of his persona for a moment to check on you.

You nod fondly, eyes soft as you respond with an equally soft yes.

With your consent, he's then knuckle-deep into your pussy, finger curling up, wiggling to find the spot that would—

"Fuck!" You squeal, unable to keep your voice down.

He smirks when he prods the pad of his finger against the spongey spot in you.

"There?" He huffs, slipping another finger in and expertly finding the same spot.

You rapidly nod your head, mewls of pleasure escaping past your lips when he begins to thrust his fingers in-and-out of your pussy, wetness squelching as the proof of your pleasure and desire.

"Y-You're in so d-deep—" You wail.

His palm is snapping against your clit, putting just enough pressure to make your eyes roll back into your head. Yoongi is absolutely ruthless when he pounds into your pussy, fingers hooking up deliciously to a spot that makes pleasure explode.

He shoves his fingers impossibly deeper, so deep until—

"Y-Yoongi!" He's at a place where you never knew existed, not that you experimented enough to know but deep enough for you to make a sound that you've never heard come out from you.

Even Yoongi's eyes widen, eyes hardening along with his cock against his pants. He's been hard the moment the night escalated, but he's sure he's going to use your face, the visual along with your moans as the star of all his masturbation sessions.

"P-P-Please!" You wail, "Stay there—oh my God Yoongi—you're so d-deep—fuck—you're so good—to m-me—"

For the first time, your hands reach out to clasp his hand right into the position that he's settled against your pleasurable spot, as your whimpers get louder and your legs shake next to your hands.

Yoongi is so fucking hard that it takes everything in him not to cum right then and there. So, he just looks out you, his own breathing laboured as he admires the way beads of sweat drop down the side of your head. Your cheeks are beyond flushed and eyes shut tight, as if you couldn't believe the pleasure you were feeling.

It's because you truly couldn't.

You've always wanted to take a step further with Yoongi, but too timid to ever do anything about it. But the way he's hooking his fingers up, pressed tightly against your spot makes you lose all rationale. You almost forget that you were out in public, the pavilion open enough for anyone to walk past and know exactly what's going on.

You're grinding yourself against the palm of his hand as you will yourself to take his fingers deeper.

The coil is unfamiliar but so so welcomed as you feel your hole clench erratically at how good he's making you feel.

Yoongi betrays you for a moment and goes against your words to stay still because your face is absolutely stunning under the moonlight, and all he wants is to see you unravel; quite literally in the palm of his hand.

He begins finger-fucking you with rapid snaps of his wrist with a vigour you only see in his sword-training sessions, and the calloused palm of the man who spent years wielding the sword is proven delirious against your pussy.

"You're gonna cum for me, aren't you? My pretty girl?"

The term of endearment falls from his lips and you think that's the first time he's called you anything but your name or alluded to the fact that you were his.

The thought itself is what sets you free from the coil in your stomach, pussy clenching tightly against his fingers as he rubs rough circles against your clit with his thumb to prolong your orgasm.

"F-Fuuuck," You drawl, becoming lose-lipped as you gasp for air, squelching still echoing as he fucks you through the orgasm, "Y-You're so—good to me ..." You mumble, coming down from your high.

You've stained your robes with sweat and your release, and you feel absolutely satiated when he pulls out of you.

You've never seen Yoongi look anything less than composed, so when he brings the fingers that were drenched with your arousal and cum to his mouth to suck on it, you already feel your pussy flutter back to life.

"You taste so fucking go—"

You cut him off by throwing yourself onto him, lips locking with his even as you taste yourself on his tongue.

You thought after an orgasm that you'd have enough, but there was something about Yoongi sucking your essence into your mouth without any hesitation that made you want to make him feel good too.

Your hand cups him through his slacks, groaning into his mouth when you feel how hard he feels against your palm—big under your small hand.

"_______ you don't—"

You bite his lip in retaliation, squeezing his cock in your hand and rubbing your thumb across his slit as you feel his pre-cum leak out of his tip.

"Fuck ..." He hisses when you lick into his mouth, unbothered at the fact that you taste yourself on your tongue.

Yoongi reaches his hand to the back of your neck to bring you closer, all while tugging your hips to meet his own.

"Wanna suck your cock," You pant.

Yoongi's unbelievably hard that he actually thinks his dick is going to fall off.

Seeing you with your salacious expression of pure, unadulterated lust shocks him all while pleasing him, knowing that he's able to evoke this type of effect on you.

While your mouth was collateral on its own, never missing a remark or to remind him that you were unafraid of his stereotypically terrifying persona—you were real. Soft and honest when your eyes allowed him to get a glimpse of the woman he's learned to ... the word so real and scary in his mind, but his heart speaks for him, while his actions paint the picture.

"_____ ..." He pulls away, biting his lip at your fucked out expression.

You whine, pressing your hips tighter against his while he hisses at the contact of your wet folds against the outline of his cock.

"Call me yours," You ask, wide eyes looking up at him.

Yoongi fingers stop at your hips when he looks at you—properly that is—your eyes begging him with the plead you've uttered. He likes you like this. Hot for him, a little desperate.

"Hm?" He feigns disinterest as you whine at him, clutching at his robes.

"P-Please Yoongi—just wanna be yours," You whimper.

"Do you ______? What about Namjoon? Jungkook?" He taunts, eyes locked on yours.

You shake your head vigorously.

"N-No! Y-Yours, Yoongi."

And his, you were.

He leans in to kiss you, much gentler than previously but still full of desire—a mark against the flesh to claim yours as his.

"My pretty girl?" He questions and you whine so loudly that his eyes blow out in shock.

"Yours—I'm yours, Yoongi."

He growls, hooking your leg around his waist as he grinds against your centre; causing you to mewl in pleasure at the friction.

"You can have my cock in your mouth another time, okay?" He whispers against your cheek and your pussy clenches at the prospect of another time.

You nod your head, looking up at him with obedient eyes.

"Wanna fuck you so bad ..." He caresses your cheek as your eyes widen, a grin teasing your lips.

"P-Please," You pant.

"But you deserve a proper first time, hm?"

You weren't one for social constructs and you didn't care where Yoongi first had you, even as your first—all you wanted was him and you'd have him anywhere, anytime he'd have you.

“Fuck I don’t care—just—fuck me—p-please …“ You whisper.

He observes your features for any sign of hesitation but finds none, only desire.

“You sure? Because once my cock comes home I’m never letting you go.” He whispers like it’s a threat but you’re only more turned on.

“T-This pussy—yours,” You gasp and Yoongi groans at your crude words, “I-I don’t care—just want you—only you.”

Yoongi feels the need to kiss you so he does. He kisses you hard and deep like he’s mapping every inch of your mouth while you whimper into his own. When he releases you, he feels his heart and stomach clench in desire.

The moment Yoongi brings his cock out as your eyes follow his line of vision, you feel like you could cum just by the visual alone.

He's huge.

It's as if his overwhelming aura was every aspect of him, from his stature to his walk and to his cock. The tip was leaking with pre-cum, an ooze that makes your mouth water and pussy clench for more. You've never seen a penis up close—but it's rough and delicate, but like Yoongi—and you decide you need him—soon.

"Fuck me—p-please,” You beg, breath hitching.

He aligns the tip of his cockhead against your quivering hole, and you release more wetness just at the thought of him fucking you out here—where your moans accompany the moonlight and his heavy breathing.

"Relax for me." He hums, pushing in ever so slowly.

The tip is the largest part of his cock, but you push through as you welcome the stretch. You didn't fight with swords day and night just to tap out now, not when Yoongi looks at you like you're the only thing that matters.

With every inch that he enters you, you feel yourself feeling fuller and fuller.

If his fingers felt overwhelming, his cock was the greatest gift bestowed upon you. You felt like you were on cloud nine, especially when he bottoms out, hips flushed against yours as he pushes the remainder of his length in.

"You see that?" He grips your chin so you'd look at him, "Look at how your pussy sucks up my cock."

You wail, hitching your hips up to chase friction and you whine when you feel his cock nudge every corner of your wet heat.

He hisses, other hand tightening against your hip as a warning.

"M-Move—please," You're extra polite because all you want to do is fall apart on his cock.

Yoongi doesn't drag it out any further when he pulls out just so the tip remains, and slams into you with a brutal force that quite literally knocks the wind out of you.

He's rough with his thrusts, never faltering when he hikes your leg higher up his waist so he'd be able to angle his cock against the spot that makes your heart accelerate, and legs shake.

He shows the stamina he's developed over the years as a sword-master with the way he's locking his hips with precision and keeping his eyes on yours the entire time—observing every scrunch of your face along with the breathy gasps that escape your mouth.

At a particularly hard thrust that he stills for a moment, ensuring his cock is rubbing against that spot deliciously—you scream, back arching into his chest as he swallows your wails of pleasure with his mouth.

"What would people say if the noble _____ fucking herself on her sword-trainers cock like this? Hm?" Yoongi spits and when he points it out only do you realise you're moving your hips at a rapid pace, unaware of how they move in their own accord.

You can't keep your mouth shut nor can you respond because Yoongi is fucking you so good, and even with the brutal force of his hips he's able to hold you up with the strength of his arm. You feel the muscles of his bicep flex against you because he has his arm wrapped around your body so tightly, tits flushed against his chest.

You have the sudden urge to reach out to him and hold his head close, a contrast to the dirtiness of your actions.

Yoongi leans into your touch even as he fucks you to the brink of your release, his hips beginning to stutter as you look at him with dazed eyes.

"So pretty like this.” He grunts.

You feel a sense of pride to know that you're what it took to get Yoongi—the man who has everyone on their toes—like this. Feral, giving in to his animalistic desires as he reaches out for your warmth.

"M' gonna cum," You gasp when he pulls your hips down to meet his last thrust.

“Where do you want my cum, pretty?”

"A-Anywhere!" You choke on your breath when you feel your orgasm hit you all at once, your body falling limp in his embrace as his arms keep you up.

You feel Yoongi's cock twitch inside of you until he's releasing gushes of his hot cum into your walls. He cums so much that you feel him slowly slipping out of your heat as it trickles down your thighs.

The two of you attempt to catch your breath as he still keeps a firm grip on your body; knowing your knees would give out if he weren't there to help you. Your hand is still gentle on his cheek as you brush the matted hair away from his forehead, offering him a dopey smile.

Yoongi leans into you, capturing your lips into a soft kiss, one that wasn't rushed nor expected to lead anywhere.

The two of you bask in each other's presence for a few more moments, until you realise that you're still very much in public with Yoongi's cum spilling out of you, a hair breadths away from staining the floor.

"Yoongi—your cum," You hiss.

Yoongi looks down and smirks, appreciating the view and only is disrupted when you thwack him on the head. He helps you pull up your undergarments, even as you wince through the discomfort as he wraps an arm around your waist to steady you on your feet.

“You seemed to like it a lot.”

Your ears burn as you glare at him, but it lacks any real anger when he chuckles at your reaction.

"I think the real conversation here is about your jealousy issues," You retort petulantly.

You see Yoongi's lips purse as he narrows his eyes at you.

"I don't like sharing what's mine."

Your heart stutters even though Yoongi doesn't look at you directly when he says so, his facade returning but you see his heart above anything else.

“Am I, Yoongi? You never asked." You shrug your shoulders.

He tongues the inside of his cheek, absorbing your words without responding for a few seconds as you wrap the robe tightly around your abdomen, cold air sending shivers down your spine.

"Would you ..." He clears his throat, and you don't think you've ever seen Yoongi look anything but assured. So, to see him with flushed ears and nervous eyes make your heart grow fonder.

"Would I ...?" You bite your lip, offering a teasing smile up at him.

He huffs, wrapping an arm around your waist as he brings your head to lay on his chest.

"Don't look at me like that," He snaps.

You giggle, clutching his robes when you feel and hear his heart beating against his chest.

"Why not?" You provoke him even further.

His grip around your waist is still tight as if he's afraid you'd slip away.

But who would tell Yoongi that you were always his?

"I don't want you to look at me when I ask," He tells you, fingers tapping your hips.

"Ask what Yoongi?"

You continue prompting him because you find it adorable how a man like him who has people quivering in fear and doesn't give most people the time of his day is so nervous on asking you a question with an obvious answer.

"Would you ... would you like that?" He coughs.

You raise an eyebrow as you look up at him, chin resting on his chest when your eyes fill with deviance.

"I like a lot of things Yoongi—you have to be more specific."

He still avoids your eyes and grunts, squeezing your hip when you continue to tease him.

"Would you want to ... bewithme?" He rushes his words.

Your eyes gleam when you lean forward, face close to his.

"Could you repeat that—?"

You yelp when he places his large hands on your cheeks, finally looking at you with earnest.

"I'm really bad at this so please don't do this to me.” He snaps.

You giggle, wrapping your arms around his waist.

"I really like you, Yoongi."

You think this is the first time you've explicitly told him how you've felt for him, and you can tell he's shocked when the words leave your lips.

"I was yours since you told me you believed in me." You whisper, lips grazing against his.

He swallows as you smile softly at him.

"I've never felt this way about anyone before," He confesses, "You're the only person that I look forward to seeing and ... when I saw Jungkook and Namjoon."

He shuts his eyes as your lips twitch, a giggle bubbling in your throat.

"I really want you to be mine," He sighs.

You nod your head, pecking him on the nose as you nuzzle your head into his broad chest, feeling the way it moves up and down with every breath that he takes.

"Happy birthday to you then," You smile cheekily.

He fondly grazes your cheeks, holding you unbelievably closer.

"Happy birthday indeed." He sighs, and you can feel the smile on his face when he kisses your forehead.

extra scene

"Happy birthday hyung!" Jungkook greets Yoongi the moment he steps out of his chambers in a large hug.

Yoongi grunts at the force, as he notices Jimin and Taehyung following behind him with a bowl of seaweed soup in celebration.

"Thanks, kid," Yoongi mumbles.

"How're you spending your birthday?" Taehyung asks when he settles the bowl on the table in front of his room.

Yoongi bows his head slightly thank the younger man as he shrugs.

"Same old. I have a session with _____ later and I need to assign Kim-ssi to his students."

“Bo-ring. Why don’t you ever do anything fun?” Jimin scoffs, “What did _____ get you for your birthday?”

The older man stutters for a second when he recollects the night you shared out on the pavilion and more after the two of you returned to his chambers in tangled limbs.

“She wished me,” Yoongi says curtly.

Jimin tries to spot any sign of unsureness but Yoongi was a hard book to read.

"Speaking of, where is ______? Shouldn't she at least be celebrating—"

Speak of the devil and she shall be summoned.

"Yoongi where are your—"

You step out of Yoongi's chambers, draped with his luxurious robe, chest slightly exposed enough to see the marks Yoongi littered on your chest after he took you back to his private chambers.

You freeze when you see three pairs of wide eyes staring back at you as you yelp, tugging the robe shut across your chest as your cheeks redden.

The only thing you hear when Yoongi tugs you closer to him by your hand and greets you with a kiss is:

"Hope the gift was good, hyung!” Jungkook cheers.

"You're not off the hook yet, brat."

[disgruntledspacedad]

in defense of Din’s subdued reaction to losing the kid...

gif by @quantam-widow

I know we were all thinking it. We got a 2 second reaction shot to the destruction of the Razor Crest (may she forever rest in peace), but then, Grogu gets taken, and... nothing?

What the fuck, Din? we all protest. That’s your baby on that ship! Don’t you care? Scream, curse, kick a rock, cry, make a fist, something!!

I will acknowledge that so far, the show has been excellent with giving us emotional payoff, am I right? I mean, just today we got Din laughing, twice. Twice in a row. I honestly never thought we’d see that. There have been so many excellent, precious soft!Din moments this season, and they all feel deliciously earned.

So, from a meta POV, I guess I’m saying that I have faith in the writers to get it right, and in Pedro to deliver. Duh.

In universe, though, I think it’s fair to point out the obvious - that Din is a pretty reserved guy. He’s much more of a thinker than a feeler. He’s used to keeping things bottled up, and I would even argue that his life often depends on his ability to dissociate from his emotions. Din’s entire journey so far has been about how one little baby yodito shakes his worldview to its very foundations. He’s getting there, but it’s a slow process. 

And also, consider this - we haven’t seen Din alone yet, not since Grogu was taken. For a guy who lives a guarded life literally encased in fucking armor, any display of emotion is going to be carefully protected until he’s in private.

But anyway, Din is detached, rational, a little emotionally constipated, and definitely comfortable in a stressful situation. A true ISTP if you ask me (yeah, I know you didn’t, but whatever). Often, it seems that these cool headed, logical types who have never ruffled a feather over anything in their lives are the least adept at handling genuine fear. In other words, when panic does strike, it strikes them hard. 

And guys, Din was definitely panicking during this episode. 

He’s clearly unsettled from the jump - that outburst of “dank farrik!” in the cockpit sells it, and his distress only becomes more obvious from there. Talking out loud, trying to convince himself that the best thing for Grogu is for him to be trained as a Jedi. Reminding himself of the creed. His overt caution as they approach the seeing stone. His impatience, “Are you seeing anything??”

Then there’s the effects of long term stress. Sure, a bounty hunter in the outer rim doesn’t exactly live an easy life, but Din is definitely used to the drama being on his terms. Compare Din’s body language in the opening scene of season one to when Boba confronts him in chapter fourteen. You can just feel the anxiety, the weariness, the frustration. Din has been on the run for months now, constantly looking over his shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. Notice how he even startles at Fennec’s voice? Season one Din would never have given that much away, regardless of the situation. Long term stress has clearly taken a toll on him.

So we have unsettled, stressed out Din in an emotionally charged situation. He’s exhausted, he’s scared, he’s desperate. This scenario is a recipe for even the most level-headed of adrenaline junkies to loose their cool, and that’s exactly what happens to Din. He panics, and he makes some pretty big fuckups because of it. Leaving Grogu unprotected, twice. Trying three different times to break through that “force field,” even when he knew he couldn’t. Dropping that jetpack and then just forgetting about it (I know we were all screaming about that one, or at least, I was).

So, fear is a positive feedback loop. Those neurotransmitters that do us good in a bad situation - raising heart rate, narrowing focus, shunting blood to the muscles - can also be detrimental if we get too high of a dose - tachypnea and tachycardia, inability to think critically and see the big picture, lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. Epinephrine, in particular, even inhibits the laying down of new memory pathways. In other words, stress leads to poor performance, and poor performance leads to more stress, which leads to... you get the idea.

Then, in the middle of all this chaos, they fucking blast the Razor Crest.

More epinephrine, more cortisol, more stress. 

By the end of it all, Din is a fucking shitstorm of stress hormones and pent up emotions. Notice how he seems to be on autopilot in the immediate aftermath, robotically scanning the ashes of the Crest for anything that might be left intact. Notice how empty his voice is when he says, “the child is gone.” This is a dead man walking. Din has nothing left. His whole life has just gone up in smoke, and he can do nothing about it. 

Guys, Din is holding onto his sanity by a fucking thread in this scene. “The child is gone,” he says, like he’s reminding himself, grounding himself in his shitty reality. He’s stunned. 

And helpless. There’s literally nothing he can do for Grogu. He has no ship, no credits, no resources, nothing to bargain with, nothing to offer. Din literally cannot allow himself the luxury of feelings right now. He’s just got to focus on surviving this very shitty day.

Then, Boba Fett upholds his end of the deal, and suddenly, Din has something to hold onto. An ally, a badass friend, some hope. I don’t think Boba shows Din that chain code in order to verify his claim on the armor - he’s already wearing it, for godssake. I think Boba shows him the code in order to catch Din’s attention - hey friend, I know you’re hurting, but I’m a man of my word. When I make a vow, I keep it. Let’s regroup and go find your kid.

And Din would totally latch onto that. A fighting chance? Din fucking leaps at it. There’s a job to do. A kid to save. All of those stress hormones are going to keep on stewing, because Din has never really come down from his adrenaline high. 

It’s like this in real life, too. There isn’t time to be afraid. There isn’t time to be sad, or second-guess, or say, oh how terrible, or wonder what if it doesn’t work? There’s just you and the job, and if you are the only thing standing between life and death, you will put everything else aside and do what you have to do, for as long as you have to do it.

And that’s where Din is at this moment. He’s running on the fumes of his adrenaline, all tempered focus, all strategy and no bullshit.

Emotional shock, my therapist buddy calls it. Apparently, it’s normal. Expected, even.

But guys, the fallout of this kind of crazy ass adrenaline high is insanely intense. I’m talking collapse to the floor, legs won't hold you, trembling, crying so hard you sling snot, shuddering breaths, stare dead-eyed and spent at the ceiling because you’re just too wiped out to even sleep kind of intense. 

And then, after the breakdown comes the angst. The detailed thinking. The oh god, what if this had happened, or, should I have done that instead? It seems like every emotion that gets put on the back burner in the moment comes back to bite you with twofold intensity when all is said and done. 

In other words, Din is definitely going to feels some things .A lot of very intense things. A reckoning is coming, my dudes. Trust me. It’s just not quite here yet.

That being said, here’s what I can expect from Din going forward:

Just like he’s is slow to acknowledge his growing parental feelings for Grogu, I think Din’s going to be slow at processing his grief at Grogu’s loss. In the next episode, he’s got plenty to distract him - getting together his hit team to take back the kid and coordinating an attack on the empire. 

However, I do think we’ll get a slow moment with Din, probably sometime at the beginning of next week’s episode if the pattern holds. I doubt it’s the full-blown breakdown that we’re all needing, but I’m willing to bet money that we’ll see Din grappling with the fact that his kid is gone. I also think that badass beskar murder machine Din from chapter three will resurface. Stress and desperation make us do irrational things, and anger is one of the stages of grief that Din will inevitably have to work through (I think he’s flickering between denial and bargaining for now).

But then, after Din gets Grogu back? I think that’s we’ll have our big, dearly earned emotional payoff. 

For one thing, Din won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore. He wants to keep this kid, it’s so very obvious. Losing him just forces it all to the forefront. 

And then the relief/joy/regret/guilt that Din is going to feel once he’s got Grogu back? Not to mention the physical exhaustion? All of the fear/terror/angst/grief that he ignored in favor of just going pedal to the metal, guns blazing, get the kid or die trying? That shit’s going to crash into him with all the subtly of a fucking tsunami. I guarantee you, we’re going to get some sort of confession, or adoption vow, or face revel, or other sort of profound softness from Dad!Din in the falling action of this season (At least, I hope we get it at the end this season but I wouldn’t put it past them to kick it into the premier of season three, just for pacing reasons, but then again, I obviously have trust issues).

Personally, I would love to see Din grappling with the long-term fallout of losing Grogu - night terrors, guilt, paranoia, etc. That’s probably the stuff of fanfiction - mandalorians don't have nightmares on screen, surely - but still, some lingering effects Grogu’s kidnapping would be realistic, and I would absolutely live for it.

[hanjo-love]

Hi. As a LH fan I'm really happy Isym made canon and at the same time hate him for making it in a way that not much of a people sees that. I hate Isym can't do romance in a normal way, but pushes that vow obsession soo hard I want to puke. Don't you think Isym may be afraid to do more obvious love line with Levi bc of a crazy erucrap fans?

Yesss anonie, bless Yams for doing his thing at the literal last minute haha I'm glad we got the canon confirmation and imo it was also perfectly in-character as well 👏🏻🙌🏻 What's more in-character for these 2 emotionally constipated dorks than to express their love the way they did? Hanjo by confessing to her best friend while thinking he's asleep and Levi confessing his requited love in a typical Levi-style, which only Hanjo can decipher lol ❤️

Don't get me wrong, but what is the fandom exactly expecting? Some super cheesy I love you quote a la Shakespeare? Oh heck to the NO. My dudes, look, even if they did that, people who have denied Levihan so far would keep denying them even after these confessions. Yams made everything perfectly in-character, but still visible and more than obvious for everyone to notice!

So in other words, I'm more than happy for what we got in terms of love and romance. Am I craving for more? Sure thing! But would I want to change the style? No way!

Honestly, I love Yams' style of showing love and romance in this cruel story. Nothing cheesy or super cringey, everything's as subtle as it can be, but still very powerful. Maybe the western fandom sees nothing special in a "let's run away and live together" confession, but this is a huge deal in the japanese culture. Y'all need to realize that for once! As the good old Eren once said: what's the most romantic thing to say to a person? - it's "let's live together"

Lol don't get me wrong again haha but I don't see the reason why a lot of fans hate Levi's own vow arc. Again, it's perfectly in-character for him. Y'all gotta accept the fact that Erwin was very special to him. He gave him a reason to fight and to live, which he didn't have before joining the SC. Also you gotta view the vow arc not as romantic, but as a huge burden for Levi and his very own character development. It was already hard for him to cope with the deaths of his comrades, but being responsible for their deaths is another story. And that's what Levi was going through in the TS. We know he wasn't responsible for Erwin's death or the deaths of the recruits, but he felt like he was! That was his mental state y'all. Just like Hanjo had to fight her inner demons by carrying Erwin's legacy as the commander. We can clearly see, how much this vow has affected Levi and how much it has clouded his memories. In fact, Erwin never made Levi promise anything! It was Levi's wish to do so. We also saw Erwin smiling in his last moments, but in Levi's clouded memories, Erwin was sad and disappointed of him. Folks, this man is suffering from severe depression and it shows!

But leaving all of that to the side, Levi's main goal has always been to save humanity and to prove his comrades deaths weren't in vain, basically to stand tall amongst his dead friends! That was one of his very first lines in the story, but people tend to forget that. It's not about Erwin, the vow, Hanjo, the kids or whatever! It was always about ALL of his comrades and ALL of humanity!

Levi is the true hero of the story and nobody can change my mind!

Thanks for the ask, dear anonie ❤️ pls enjoy the story as much as you can, without being too salty (I know it's hard, we all have things we'd like to change but hey it's Yams story, so let the man write whatever the heck he wants) we still have one more chapter to go and who knows, mad lad Yams might surprise us all once again haha

[whateverbabayboy]

A:Why aren't you getting ready

B: I'm not going

A: WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHY? After everything we did you're going to give up right before the end. Right before we get closure

B:I got my closure. I don't need to go there. It's a death sentence.

A:Then I'm going alone. Because you certainly have lost all your brain cells

B:YOU ARE NOT GOING ALONE

A:OH YEAH IS THAT IT. if you're not coming then I'm alone. I am not giving up that easily.

B:I'm going with you.

A:Wha.. you just said you're not coming and now all of a sudden you want to come. Do you see me as that weak.

B:You are not weak-

A:Then why. Why can't you bear the thought of me doing this alone. I can do-

B:I know you think you can but it's not that i can't bear the fact you're going alone. I don't want to have to deal with your death.

A:Oh so that is what this is about. You don't want to deal with the inconvenience that is my dea-

B: I CARE ABOUT YOU OK? I LOVE YOU AND IT'S PAINFUL TO JUST WATCH YOU GO AND RISK YOUR LIFE ALL ALONE. ugh look. I ... I just can't lose you. You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and it might be selfish but fuck it if it keeps you alive i am going to be selfish. I know how much you think you need this and i know that I can't make you stay but at least allow me to be there... To be able to be with you.

A: You can make me stay.

B:Wha

A:You can with just a simple phrase. Tell me. Tell me to stay and I will. I thought that... I thought... Dam it i thought that the only way to be close to you is by being in danger. You never said anything and I wasn't subtile about my feelings so why not just tell me that a long time ago. I did this whole trip just so I can be with you. The closure was a bonus and the certain death was my escape plan because. Without you this is worthless. The whole thing the caves the monsters the answers they are not for me. They were just the reason I needed to make you come with me to spent time with me instead of hiding behind that expressionless mask you call a face.

B: Why would you do that. I don't deser-

A: Finish that sentence and I will slid your throat in your sleep. If you try and pull the I'm not worthy card I will seriously consider if I want to spend the rest of eternity with you.

B:Haha i guess then I will just try and be the worthiest person I can

A:That's more like it. Thank goodness I don't have to deal with a weeping mess of emotional constipation. Sooo are you gonna say it.

They leaned closer and whispered softly

B:Stay.

Then put a light kiss on A's forehead.

B:With.

Kiss on the nose.

B:Me.

The last word was followed by a kiss on A's slightly parted lips. Their lips were soft and fit perfectly with B's. The kiss started out as just a touch of lips but it soon became more. It was a transaction of feeling that they've both been holding for so long the pressure to free them was almost overwhelming. When they finally parted to take a breath they were both panting and B's hands were in A's hair while A's were resting on B's hips and they had no intention of moving any time soon.

The dangers forgotten they stayed like that for what felt both like hours and minutes untill they couldn't anymore. The want was burning both of them and they were slaves to her now that they knew she has a free range to control their moves. If she were a person she'd be smiling maliciously and in her eyes you'd be able to see all the plans she had for them.

But tonight all they did was enjoy eachother with slow touches and curious eyes. They were far far away from this world. They existed only for eachother and at that moment there wasn't a place that could tempt them to separate. And there will never be.

[alliterative-albatross]

So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

~

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again. 

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise! 

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory. 

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs, 

~ Jay

[werewolfbarbie]

Okay done bashing on Riverdale and I'm just gonna focus on my love for this musical.

My Favorites List From N2N:

tw: mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, loss, child death, and just plain heart wrenching sadness.

Spoilers for N2N:

Favorite Songs: And Favorite Lines From Each:

Whose Crazy?

"Valium is my favorite color. How did you know?"

"I'm nauseous, and I'm constipated, completely lost my appetite and gained 6 pounds, which ya know is just not fair."

"And I was so young, and so dumb. And now I am old."

"I don't feel anything."

"Huh. Patient stable."

Perfect For You

"You've got some nerve, Henry, and I'm just all nerves."

You Don't Know

"Do you wake up every morning, and need help to lift your head? Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?"

"You say that you're hurting, it sure doesn't show."

I Am The One

"Can you tell me what it is you're afraid of? Can you tell me why I'm afraid it's me?"

"Are you hurting, are you healing, are you hoping for a life to live? Well so am I!"

Superboy and the Invisible Girl

"I wish I could fly, and magically appear and disappear. I wish I could fly, I'd fly far from here."

"He's not here. I am here!"

Make Up Your Mind/ Catch Me I'm Falling

"Should we turn on light? Ya know with the stairs?"

"Make up your mind that you're strong enough, make up your mind, let the truth be revealed."

"Admit what you've lost, and live with the cost. At times it does hurt to be healed."

I'm Alive

"I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes."

"Cause if you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind."

Wish I Were Here

"Natalie? What are you doing in my lightening?"

"I'm the light and heat of every sun, I'm a bullet from a magic gun. And I'm trying to enjoy it, but I'm missing all the fun."

"I feel the burn, but I don't feel the pain."

"Have I blown my mind forever? Is cloudy my new clear? Wish I were here."

How Could I Ever Forget?

"But I was a child, raising a child."

"Just 18 months old. So cold."

"How could I ever forget? This was the moment my life was set."

Maybe

"It's so lovely that you're sharing. No really I'm all ears, but where has all this caring been for 16 years?"

"When I thought you might be dying, I cried for all we'd never be. But there'll be no more crying. Not from me."

"I don't need a life that's normal, that's way too far away. But something next to normal would be okay."

Reprise

"Hi Dad."

You Don't Have to be Happy to be Happy you're Alive.

[halfablacky]

I think that all the writers who saw the series, think of a way to fix this scene, and I am not different.

It's my first time writing in another language and posting something here on tumblr, so forgive me if it had so much mistakes...

Anyway, I hope you like it!

We can head to the coast

He goes to the coast anyway, never looking back, not really stopping to pick up any stories with the dwarves, not wanting anyone to question his tears.

He went down the mountain in a different way, not looking at the rock that sat in the crepuscule of the previous day and poured his feelings out to Geralt, a rare moment of weakness, hoping the witcher would have some idea why he was still there, for who.

He didn't expect an answer, but he got one anyway, even if it wasn't verbal, Geralt was never verbal, he showed how much he cared about Jaskier's feelings the moment he turned around and followed Yennefer like an abandoned puppy, crying at your feet hoping to receive a little of affection. It was unnerving, it was disappointing. He went to sleep hugging the lute wondering what it would be like if he had a real body by his side to cling to, his body.

So in the end, chaos reigns, as it always does when the witch appears, and Geralt takes out all frustration caused by her, and he just managed to say: this is not fair. Because it wasn't, it never was, but the witcher didn't want to know it when he uttered the hateful words:

If life could give me a blessing, it would be taking you out of my hands.

He was going to give Geralt his blessing, however much his heart broke, however much the tears flowed, however much his feet ached with each step taken away from the witcher, he continued, saying goodbye to Roach on the way to the village.

Drinking all his coins, playing and singing parodies of his songs in a dragged and confused voice degrading the witcher who threw his feelings in the trash, crying so hard at the end that nothing but rambling grumbles came out between his lips, receiving bread and drinks at the end instead of coins.

Okay, he deserved it, it was a terrible presentation.

He woke up in the hall behind the tavern, his head hurt, a black eye and painful bruises on his belly, he didn't quite remember why, but he could imagine that the customers really hated the last performance.

He dusted off his clothes, took a deep breath with the sinking feeling in his stomach, the anger that replaced sadness, put the lute on his back and left. He would go to the coast, he didn't need Geralt to try to find out what pleases him.

He walked from village to village, city to city, singing anything but the praises of the White Wolf, and when asked, when he couldn't refuse and the songs were sung without all the feelings normally shown by the witcher's bard, the peoples stopped to ask for them.

He sang 'Her sweet kiss' once, his voice broke at the end, and he left before anyone could ask why he was crying.

It didn't take more than a month to reach the coast, he was approached by bandits at least twice on his journey, but he managed to arrive in his destination in full, at least physically.

His interior on the other hand was a mess, anger was replaced by resignation now, a deep hurt that he could not sing away from regardless of his abilities, a heart in pieces that he did not think he would be able to try to assemble the pieces for a long time still.

He was sitting on the grass now, looking out to sea, the waves crashing calmly against the rocks, sweeping the white sand. He had been doing this for a week now, hoping that the pleasure of doing the simplest and most mundane things would come back to him, removing the lute from the back and the leather case, the wood a little dry now after so long without polishing and proper care, gently pulling one string and then the other, adjusting the instrument on your lap and absently fingering for some inspiration.

Then he heard footsteps behind him, and heard the voice before turning to see if maybe he would be mugged a third time and what could be taken away now. It wasn't a thief.

"Jaskier…"

The hoarse, low voice, looking so sad and fragile and vulnerable, made the bard's heart jump in his chest in a way it hasn't been for a long time now.

"Go away." He heard himself saying, so much sadder, fragile, vulnerable and tired, than the witcher. "I cannot give you your blessing if you continue to follow me."

"Jaskier, I…"

"I gave you everything, Geralt." He interrupted, pressing the lute to his chest, searching the instrument for some base, something to hold on to before he fell more deeply into the well of despair that plagued his dying soul. "I gave you my voice, I gave you my company, my friendship, I gave you my time, so much, so much time…"

"Jaskier, please…"

"Twenty-two years I've been by your side, helping you, making people see you the way I did, and I didn't need to be magically tied to you for that, I chose, I chose to be by your side all this time, not wanting more than your friendship back, giving up having more than that after Yennefer came into your life." He confessed, he couldn't stop, he couldn't hold his tongue now that Geralt was finally listening. After twenty-two years, the witcher finally stopped to listen to him.

He heard the witcher approach.

"But you made me realize clearly on that mountain that not even the simplest thing as a worthy travel companion I could have of you. I am a burden to you, I always have been, I thought I was helping you when in fact I just got you into more and more trouble." He felt his emotions now start to overflow, cursing his previous desire to want to feel again because now he was feeling, and it was too much, he didn't know if he could take it.

"Jaskier, no…"

"I don't know why you're here, but if it's an apology for digging your shit all this time, then I'm sorry, now go away, please." Asked finally releasing the lute, without force pulling his legs to his chest and hugging, hiding his face between them, not wanting to give Geralt the pleasure of seeing him collapse, even though he knew that the witcher could probably smell his tears, that he could see his body trembling and hear the sobs he was trying so hard to stifle, hoping that Geralt could have enough decency to let him suffer in peace, but the witcher didn’t move away, his steps were approaching much faster now, and before he could scream for him to go, a pair of strong arms are suddenly holding him.

A wave crashes violently on the rocks, the salty air rises hard and droplets of water splash on his hair. Both are silent, for the first time in over a month, Jaskier is helpless enough not to know what to say. Fortunately, he is not the one who breaks the silence.

"I'm sorry." He heard the whisper that made his heart take another excited leap. "Please, Jaskier, I'm so sorry…"

And Jaskier thought he was definitely a sucker with no sense of self-preservation because those words, so sincere, so fragile and broken, were enough for the bard to begin to forgive the witcher. He didn't know it could get any better until Geralt opened his mouth again.

"I'm sorry about the mountain, nothing I said was your fault, neither Yennefer, or Djinn, the child surprise, it was all me, Jaskier, it's all my fault."

"Then why ..." He stopped before elaborating, closing his mouth so hard that his teeth chattered with an audible sound. He didn't want to ruin that, not yet. Not when Geralt's arms were holding him so tightly and expressing himself with real words this time.

But he didn't have to elaborate, Geralt knew exactly what he was asking.

"I was angry ... I was frustrated and upset and you were just there, looking so happy and I just ... I-"

"I wasn't happy, Geralt, I was trying to cheer you up, I was trying to be your friend!" He released, altered, trying to push the witcher away as much as it hurt, but Geralt did not let him, on the contrary, tightened his body. "Everything I have done so far, you emotionally constipated brute idiot, has been trying to be your friend!"

He shouted, unable to contain his tears.

"I'm sorry, shh… I'm sorry, I know it now, I found out after you left, but it was too late, you were already gone, I've been looking for you, following your steps, because I wanted to apologize, you don't deserved what I said."

"I know, I really don't..." He murmured, trying to wipe away the tears, sighing in surprise when he felt the witcher's rough thumb doing it for him, closing his eyes tightly and watching Geralt lock up, continuing a much softer moment later. He only knew that the witcher was no longer trying to wipe his tears away, when he realized that they were no longer falling. Geralt's fingers remained there.

"I ... I was never very kind to you, and I'm sorry for that too, but if you let me, I can try to change that." Geralt said holding his face in his hands, so soft, so gentle, so scared and hopeful, and Jaskier gathered the courage to open his eyes again, seeing the witcher staring back at him, waiting.

"I ..." He whispered uncertainly, feeling a big hand slip from his face to the nape of the neck, his fingers tangling in the most sensitive threads there and making him shiver. His heart sped up, was that what he think it was? He licked his lips, uncertain. "If you are going to do what I think you are going to do-"

"I intend to do what you think I am going to do."

He moved a little closer, their noses almost touching.

"So if you're going to do what I know you're going to do, I hope it's not just trying to make me feel better, it's not just overnight." He whispered, closing his eyes, raising his own hands to the witcher's face, feeling the roughness of his beard in the palm of his hands and not being able to think of any other place he wanted to put them now.

"It is not."

"I can't take it if you run back to Yennefer when she shows up again. "

"I won't."

"Good."

And he initiated the contact himself, leaning forward until his lips brushed Geralt's, soft, scared, hoping it was the right thing to do, and then the witcher held his neck tighter and she pulled, sticking his mouth entirely to him, a kiss full of feelings, those feelings that witchers supposedly shouldn't have, full of guilt and excuse, full of love, passion and desire, and took him like a hurricane.

A wave hit the rocks again, and they parted, their foreheads touching, noses brushing, gasping breaths connecting.

"Fuck…" He spoke, very eloquently.

"Fuck." Geralt echoed, a certain amusement in his voice making the bard laugh. Leaning down to touch the soft lips again. "Thanks. For forgiving me."

Jaskier just hummed, happy, relaxed, enjoying the affection of the witcher's rough fingers on his skin as he delicately explored his features with his fingers.

"What do we do now?"

"You said you wanted to go to the coast…"

Jaskier laughed.

“We are on the coast, Geralt."

"Hmm ... so there is nothing stopping us to take advantage of it."

Geralt whispered, turning his face to the horizon and following him to see the various colors in the sky reflecting on the sea, the sun descending beyond the sea, the birds soaring through the clouds, a beauty he had not been able to see before.

Geralt's arms wrapped around him again and Jaskier dropped his head on the witcher's shoulder with a contented sigh.

"Yes… we can find what pleases us now."

[braindeadskeletons]

(i guess you can tell why i asked about ways you want matchups now haha, ignore if you want i don't wanna be a bother) i'm a non-bianary pansexual. i'm super into psychology and how emotions work, i love reading and singing, and i tend to wear flower crowns a lot. i'm not a big fan of being forced to do things, and i really dislike people yelling at me. i've got pretty bad adhd and i dissociate regularly, and i do the "what did you say?" "oh did you wa-" "yeah pizza sounds great" thing (1/2)

(2/2, sorry it's so long haha) i make lots of bracelets and i have a big tabby cat that i love to pieces, and i tend to get really protective of my friends when people threaten them. normally i'm ditzy and stupid-ish. i also take care of plants (that i've given names to) and i practice witchcraft. (again if you don't wanna answer this you can just delete it i don't wanna make you feel like you need to do it)

Hello again! Aww, there’s no need to apologize so much you’re definitely not a bother! I love doing matchups and I’m more than happy to do one for you. They're my favorite part of having this blog, actually. Yeah shitposting and calling it content is fun as well but with matchups, I get to give people who ask for them something personal, which is always fun! I love giving people things that make them happy. I could only hope that I did well enough with the matchups :) When I read through all of your information at first I was thinking that maybe you’d go well with one of the Papyri (is that the plural of Papyrus? Is that an actual term?? Whatever, it is now lmao)  but then I immediately thought ‘wow okay maybe let’s not. all of them literally yell 24/7 and yeah they all mean well but it’s overwhelming.’ So then I went down a list of all the calmer skeletons and in the end, you did actually end up getting matched with a Papyrus.

I match you with Underswap Papyrus!

Well, as much of a Papyrus that the Underswap version could be, am I right? In this relationship, you will physically never have to worry about anything in your life. Seriously, I mean that. Papyrus is going to be there as your rock, the same courtesy he gives to his brother he’s fully prepared to extend to you. You may have the habit of getting protective when people threaten who you love, but Papyrus is that instinct tenfold. It’s going to be the number one priority next to his brother to make sure that you are always safe and happy. He’s endlessly patient and caring about your needs. Your habit of “what did you say?” “hm?” “Yeah sounds good!” will never phase him, he will only sit and say it again and never be annoyed or get tired of repeating the question. He’s used to it if he’s being honest. Sans does the same on a daily basis, so with his experience so far he has a pretty good idea of what to do and how to help (if you’d like him too). The same goes for your dissociation issues. Both of the brothers have experience in this department (both for completely different reasons) and he’s prepared to help out whenever it happens (once again, only if you’d like) or to just wait patiently until you snap out of it and you two can continue whatever you were both doing beforehand. It’s no trouble at all.

Papyrus is a really relaxed kind of guy. So naturally, the kind of dates you guys go on are going to be the same. He doesn’t really see the point of going anywhere, you know? He isn’t completely against it but it's also not something he specifically requires if that makes sense. If he ever does decide to take you out, it’ll be to places like parks or maybe even a greenhouse since that sounds right up your alley, or maybe it’s just him watching you go ham with buying plants. He’ll be half horrified at the amount of money you’re spending half (overly) supportive. If you were wondering, yes he finds it adorable that you’ve named the plants. You will watch him several times chatting it up with the plants. 

----------

You, exiting the bathroom: Hey pap did you pick a movie out yet or-

Papyrus, holding a small plant: no way she did that

You: wh-

Papyrus: oh my toriel

Papyrus: expose that bitch Susan

You: what the hell is happening right now

Papyrus: shhh

Papyrus: we’re having a conversation

You: ???

Papyrus: rude

----------

Otherwise, the date is guaranteed to be an indoor kinda thing. It can go from a cuddle session to you reading out loud to him, a karaoke session with him using an overly exaggerated awful voice, Papyrus throwing puns at you all night, you name it and he’ll have it done. 

He also 100% is best friends with your cat. They’re soulmates. Attached at the hip. With one comes the other. If you ever have Papyrus curled up on the couch your cat is definitely on his chest resting as well. He’s always been more of a cat person seeing as he feels spiritually connected with their sleeping habits.

Slightly off-topic but there was this one time where he was at your place and caught you practicing your craft. 

----------

Papyrus, walking in: hey honey have you se-

You, about to light up a candle:

Papyrus:

You: oh y’know

Papyrus:

You: don’t mind me

Papyrus:

You: my place just needed some protection

Papyrus:

Papyrus:

Papyrus: [walks back out]

----------

 Does Papyrus understand a lot about witchcraft? No, not really but he’s supportive regardless. He just wants to see you laughing and being happy. Usually, when it comes to spending time together he’ll leave the choice up to you by default, but he’ll be pleasantly surprised if you switch it up and ask him instead occasionally. 

If you’re interested in psychology and how emotions work you’ve come to the right skeleton. Which is pretty ironic seeing as he can be emotionally constipated the majority of the time. But scientifically speaking he knows plenty, he’s just bad at actually feeling and expressing them. It would be very interesting to him to hear everything you have to say on the topic since honestly, he could use any and all information he could get in this department. 

If Papyrus had to pick only one thing about you that was his favorite, it’d be your tendencies to make bracelets and flower crowns. He normally wouldn’t wear stuff like that himself but if his cute date mate made them for him? They’re never going to come off of him. He’s sleeping? They’re on. He’s working? They’re on. At Muffet’s? They’re on. He’s gotten teased about it plenty but he really couldn’t bring himself to care because they’re just not going to come off. It’s kinda gross really. If he ever gets dirt on them he still wouldn’t take it off. It’s proven to be a problem.

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff.

Hanji POV

I was giving a pep talk to my squad when I saw (Y/N) talking to Levi. We were about to leave the walls in a few moments. For a second, I think I saw shorty with a warm expression. It was surprising really, given that he always looked like a "constipated brat" in his own words. What was more surprising was that he found himself someone shorter than he is. When we were called to the lift, I saw (Y/N) and Levi giving each other some really intense looks and talking about something.

God knows what these two were talking about given that their looks could make new recruits piss their pants. Levi walked away from her when the lift arrived and stood beside me on the lift. I saw (Y/N) move slightly to stand with the crowd.

"Yo shorty, what were all those intense looks about?" I nudged Levi to which he answered, "Shut it shitty glasses". I smiled at his usual behaviour. Seems like even love can't change some things. I sighed at the thought. Moblit and I weren't able to go on a date because of how busy I was with my experiments. I need to make it up to him after the expedition if both of us come back alive. As the lift creaked up, someone shouted from the crowd, " HEY HANJI!". I looked down and saw, "Flegel?" I muttered, curious that he was shouting my name out. "TAKE BACK WALL MARIA! THE FUTURE OF MANKIND IS IN YOUR HAAAANDS!" he shouted.

Following his lead, many others shouted out encouragements. Some thanked Levi for saving the town and to that Levi muttered, "Someone's got a big mouth". " Well, with the commotion we made, of course they'd find out." I muttered, answering Levi. The replacement for Mike said, "The thing is, all the meat we ordered was from the Reeves company." The replacement for Squad leader Ness merely said, "Damn that Flegel".

Suddenly, I heard people beside us shouting "YEAH YOU CAN COUNT ON US!". I turned and saw Levi squad shouting out to the people. Other soldiers were muttering about how the Survey corps never had a send off like this before. Erwin replied to them by saying, "As far as I'm aware, this is a first" before starting to shout himself. Both Levi and I looked at him surprised. I looked down at the crowd to see (Y/N) gaping at the sight too. After all, this was completely unexpected for someone as calm as Erwin.

(Y/N) POV

It was surprising to see Uncle Erwin so excited about an expedition. Specially, one that could cause many casualties. The Survey Corps were gone after a while and the crowd dispersed. I went back to the Survey corps Headquarters to get my squad to help me receive all the furniture and make my home liveable. "I have a home now..." I thought gleefully. I finally was able to find happiness. I took my horse back from the stable and galloped towards the headquarter.

When I opened the door to the common room, I saw my squad complaining about not being able to join the expedition.

[(Y/N) Squad/ Special operations squad 2:

(Y/N) squad was supposed to be one of the four commanding squads beside Levi squad, Hanji squad and Drik squad but due to her pregnancy leave, Marlene squad was a temporary replacement for her.

Members:

Diana Becker: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Very good at communicating with other soldiers and after being trained by (Y/N), 3DMG techniques are improving. Appointed as (Y/N)'s second in command.

Heinrich Fischer: A transfer from Garrison from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is medic. Good at 3DMG and getting better with (Y/N)'s training. Excellent at hand to hand combat according to (Y/N) as he was the only person who knew the right strategy to use on (Y/N), losing nonetheless. Not too good in social skills

Stefan Wagner: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is Veterinarian. Good at 3DMG and improving. Good at social skills and will implement any command given as flawlessly as possible.

Marie Schwarz: A military police transfer from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is dealing with finance. A serious soldier who is good at almost all sectors except hand to hand combat due to a lacking in understanding of the enemy's moves but that could be improved by team activities. However, it seems like she had difficulty with authority, specially (Y/N)'s.]

"Damn it... This was one important expedition and we couldn't join... They will all be awarded as heroes when they return and we will only be watching.." Heinrich complained to the other bored soldiers as I walked in. They were all seniors in case of Trainee corps records but younger than myself by a few years given that I joined a bit late. "Heinrich, if you are so keen on being Titan fodder, go ahead, take your horse and follow them. They haven't gone too far yet." I told him, shutting him up.

"Sorry, squad leader (Y/N). He was just being an ass" Diana muttered, smacking Heinrich on his head. They probably were in a relationship or something, given that I walked onto them kissing one time. I pretended I didn't see it though. "Well, be thankful that you aren't fighting Titans with your lives in your hands and instead you're helping me with decorating my home. I want you all at my home in 30 minutes. I'll be going to the furniture store and getting the furniture." I ordered them as they answered with a "Hai!" before I left for the furniture store. It was already getting dark. I took my horse there, paid the furniture makers, rented a wagon and with the help of the furniture maker's apprentice, took all the furniture home. The squad was already home and with their help, I started arranging the house.

"Diana, go arrange the kitchen utensils. Stefan and Heinrich, move that shelf away from the window." I commanded. Most of the house was already decorated. I just needed to get the bedsheets arranged, bring all of Levi's and my own books from the headquarters, except of course, the work related ones. "Marie, we are going to get the books" I commanded her and we went to the headquarter.

It took a while to arrange all the books as I did that by dividing the books by genres. After the whole decoration process was done, I thanked the squad and dismissed them. It was about 10 pm when I started cleaning the house. After an hour of cleaning, I felt like the house was clean enough for Levi's standards and I locked the front gate and went back to the headquarter. We weren't supposed to be living in this house till we get married. I was tired beyond measures after all the work and decided to pass out on the bed.

A few hours later

Levi POV

"Looks like the beast titan has us in it's sights. This place is about to turn into a honeycomb. Erwin, if you tell me there's no way left for us to fight back, I'll start preparing for defeat." I told Erwin. This operation was meaningless. Of course there was no chance of victory after this. If we had to get some survivors... I would have to give up my life... Would (Y/N) be okay with it? I'm sure she would be devastated... But I had to do this. For humanity and for a good future of my child... Can (Y/N) raise him on her own? "It could be a she too you know" (Y/N)'s voice rang in my head. She always pointed that out whenever I called our child a 'he'.

"Eren's sprawled out there, right? Go wake him up. You and some of the others get on him and run. That way we'll have at least a few survivors." I continued. I remembered the last time I slept with her. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps... "The recruits and survivors from Hanji's squad can scatter on horses all at once and try to head home... How does that sound? With them acting as bait, you and the others on Eren will be able to escape." I concluded. I remember her snuggling into my arms, burying her head in my chest... "And what are you going to do, Levi?" Erwin asked me. Was that really the last time I saw her? And I really made a shitty promise that I couldn't keep that time?

"I'll deal with that beast. I'll lead him away" I answered. Am I really ready to choose humanity over her? Over our kid? "No. You can't even get close to him." Erwin stated. I remembered her rare smiles. I imagined a future where she and my kid will be safe. If this sacrifice is worth it, I can do this. "Probably not. But, if you and Eren make it back alive, there's still hope. Isn't that the kind of situation we're in now? This is a major defeat. Honestly, I'm not expecting anyone to make it home alive at this point." I replied. "True. If we don't have any way of fighting back." Erwin stated calmly. I was surprised. Did he have anything up his sleeve?

"Do you have one?" I asked him, genuinely surprised. "Yes" he stated. At this point, I was annoyed at him. What was he thinking? Why didn't he say this to me before? "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why didn't you put that ugly mouth of yours to work sooner and say something?" I asked, genuinely annoyed. "If this plan goes well, you may be able to defeat that beast. But only if we sacrifice the lives of all the recruits here, as well as mine." Erwin mentioned. Sacrificing Erwin? Didn't I promise (Y/N) that I'll keep him safe? If he makes a decision like this, how can I face (Y/N) again?

"You're absolutely right. No matter what we do, most of us will surely die. Infact, it's most likely that we will all be wiped out. So our only choice is to assume we are all expendable and work from there. We'd have to ask these young people to give up their lives. You'd need the skills of a first rate con man to come up with a reason that convincing. So I doubt any of them will charge forward unless I was leading the way. Which would mean I'd be the very first to die. Without ever learning what was in that basement." Erwin said. "Huh?" I asked, confused.

This man was about to die and all he cared about was a shitty basement? He sighed and said, "I just want to go to that basement. Everything I have done, I did thinking that this day would come. That someday, I would be able to check my answers. There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die. Then, the dream I shared with my father would flash through my head. And now those answers are close enough to reach out and grab... They are right here... But, Levi, can you see them? All of our comrades? Our comrades are watching us. They want to know what we will do with the hearts they dedicated to our cause. Because they may be gone but their fight isn't over. But then again, I promised (Y/N) that I will be with her at her wedding... She doesn't deserve to lose more... I broke enough promises to her before. Will the last thing I told her be a promise that I couldn't keep? Or is it all pointless and nothing more than my own childish delusion?".

I looked at Erwin for a while, my mind full of doubt. He was implying that I have to make the decision. This was much worse. (Y/N) would never forgive me. She will despise me. I might lose the only chance I ever had of having a family. Then again, didn't I decide that sacrificing my life for the safety of (Y/N) and our child was worth it? Why should this be any different? If wall Maria is captured, humanity will be much closer to victory. (Y/N) and our child will be safer. I'd rather have (Y/N) hate me than get her killed because I was weak. I knelt down in front of Erwin and told him, "You've fought a good fight. We have only come this far thanks to you. I'm making the choice. Give up on your dreams and die for us. Lead the recruits straight into hell. And I'll take down the beast titan.". To that he smiled slightly at me. "Keep (Y/N) safe. You two have my blessings." he said, startling me before he explained the plan to me.

"You want me to approach the beast by myself using vertical manoeuvring? There's nothing around him! There isn't a single tree or house or anything else I can use!" I asked Erwin, not understanding what he was talking about. "No... You have targets that are the perfect height. They are standing there all in a row aren't they? Use the titans to sneak up on and ambush the beast titan." Erwin explained.

I stood beside him as he convinced all the soldiers to give up their lives. Deep down, I knew it was all my decision. I felt revolted by myself. Does a person like me even deserve the happiness and stability of a family? When I can decide to send so many people to their deaths, bringing tragedy to so many other families... "No. I won't regret my decision now. It is all for the greater good" I convinced myself as I stood, watching the faces of people who knew they were about to die meaningless deaths.

The plan was put into action. I maneuvered towards the beast titan, killing it's titan army in progress. I saw the suicide charge down there. "I'm sorry" I told them in my mind as I slashed the napes of titans.

"Turning into titan puts a heavy strain on your body... So you can't transform again while you're busy healing. Isn't that right?" I asked the blonde man who I had cut out of the beast titan and stuffed my blade in his mouth. I pushed the blade forward, making it come out of an eye socket through his mouth before saying, "Hey, answer me. Don't you have any manners?". "I can't kill him. Not yet. Isn't there anyone still alive? It doesn't matter how injured they are as long as they are breathing... I can use this shot to turn them into a titan... Then I can have them eat this guy and steal the power of the beast titan. Isn't there anyone?" I thought. An image of Erwin passed through my mind.

"Isn't there someone I can bring back-" my thoughts were interrupted by the cart titan's mouth. I assumed that it tried to eat me but I moved away and saw it taking the beast titan and run away. "Hey! Where are you going? Stop. I'm not done with you yet..." I said, my voice sounding like a defeated person. Did I just lose to him at the last moment? The beast titan commanded the remaining titans to come at me. "Wait... I swore to him... That I'd kill you no matter what." I muttered. Anger surged into me as I continued, "I SWORE TO HIM!" as I changed my blades and charged towards the titans coming at me, slashing their napes off as fast as possible so that I could follow the beast and end him.

I flew to the wall as fast as possible to find the beast titan in front of Eren. Eren had his blade to the throat of a limbless figure, possibly the colossal titan. The beast titan saw me and started running again as I flew towards Eren. My gas finished off just as I reached Eren. "That was the last bit of gas I had. I'm going after him. Give me all your gas and blades. Hurry!" I commanded Eren just before a black figure behind him coughed faintly.

The black figure was Armin. Eren was going insane after figuring out that Armin was alive. He shouted at me excitedly to give the titan serum to Armin. A certain gut feeling made me hesitate. What if Erwin isn't dead? I was handing the serum out to Eren when Floch arrived with Erwin on his back. He said that Erwin is alive and gravely injured. I took the serum back, sure that I will inject it to Erwin. "Captain?" Eren asked, surprised and scared. I checked Erwin's nose with my hand.

"He's still breathing. He's still alive...". I can keep (Y/N)'s promise... "We're giving this injection to Erwin" I stated. Eren suddenly stood up, facing me. "You just said you'd use it on Armin.." he told me, tears streaming from his eyes. "I'm choosing to keep alive the man who will save humanity" I replied to Eren. Behind me, Mikasa got her blade out.

"You guys, do you have the faintest damn clue on what you're doing? We are talking about Erwin Smith. The commander of the Survey corps. You're telling me to sit here and let him die? There's no time. Get out of my way." I told them before Eren held the box of titan serum in my hands. "Eren, look past your feelings." I told him. "My feelings? Why did you hesitate before handing over the injection?" Eren asked me. Wasn't it obvious? I was trying to keep a promise that I made. I just had to take the chance...

"I was considering the possibility that Erwin was alive." I answered. "I don't see how you ever could ever have predicted that Floch would bring the dying commander." Eren stated. "You're right. But now that Erwin is here, we're using it on him." I told him my final decision. To my surprise, he still tugged on to the box and I had no choice other than punching him on his face, and sending him flying. Mikasa ran at me with her sword and jumped on me with her blade on my throat. Why couldn't I fight her? I was always stronger than her, but, was it guilt that made me feel this way? The fact that I probably was being selfish? That I wanted Erwin alive more for personal reasons than just the fate of humanity?

Hanji pulled Mikasa off me. She explained to her that everyone lost people dear to them today. She lost Moblit, how she regretted not going out with him even once, how she wished to bring him back too along with many other comrades. I was up on my foot now, kneeling in front of Erwin with the injection out. Suddenly, I felt someone grab my feet. "Heichou, have you heard of the ocean?" he said. He told me how much Armin wanted to see it. Floch tried to stop him but he said it anyway. I realised that he wasn't any different from me. He wanted his best friend back. I wanted (Y/N)'s happiness. I didn't have any right to choose who is to live and who is to die but at that moment, I was forced to make a choice. I chose to give in to my personal gain.

"Troops, clear the area! Erwin will turn into a titan and eat Berthold!" I commanded. "Fools, all of them... Like little kids... The way they scream and flail..." I muttered as I walked towards Erwin with Berthold. Suddenly, flashes of my conversation with Kenny came to my mind. "They couldn't keep going unless they were drunk on something..." he told me. I folded Erwin's jacket up to his elbow. I brought the injection towards his hand. "They were all slaves to something. Even him", Kenny's voice rang in my ear just as Erwin's hand shot up. " Teacher... How'd y... find out that they don't exist?" Erwin muttered.

Realisation flowed through my mind. Someone as self obsessed as Kenny decided to die when he achieved his dreams. I remembered the conversation I had with Erwin before the expedition. The one where he said that he didn't have much plans for after he finds out what was in the basement. The conversation from before the suicide march rang in my head. "There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die." I remembered Erwin saying that. Erwin was able to work his wonders only because of his curiosity on what was in the basement. If he found out what was in the basement, he won't have any reason to fight anymore. Sure, he loved (Y/N) but that had nothing to do with this fight. He already gave the responsibility of (Y/N)'s safety to me before the suicide march.

Even if Erwin lived, he wouldn't be able to contribute much to humanity's victory anymore. Armin on the other hand, still has a dream that was far from being achieved. "I need to keep (Y/N) and my child safe. No matter what." I thought. Erwin's death was crucial for humanity's victory. With that thought, I injected Armin with the titan serum.

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

In Exchange (Tivali)

Tali’s parents are terrified when she suddenly comes down with a case of appendicitis. 

Read here or on AO3 or ff

___________________

"What it's like to be a parent: it's one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but in exchange, it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love."

-Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

___________________

"Ima, Daddy, I don't feel so good," Tali mumbles one night after dinner.

"What hurts?" Tony asks.

"My tummy."

Ziva purses her lips, not unsympathetic. "I did tell you to eat more slowly, did I not, ahava shelli? You probably have gas. I know it is uncomfortable, but it will pass."

"But what do I do to make it stop hurting now?" Tali whines.

"Oh, that's an easy one," Tony answers. "You just have to ride a bike."

Tali frowns. "Ride a bike? But it's night time, Daddy."

Tony laughs, standing and offering his hand. Tali takes it, distracted momentarily from her discomfort. "Not a real bike, baby girl. C'mere, I'll show you."

He leads her to the living room and has her lay on her back on the sofa. "Alright, now give me your feet." Tali laughs a little at the strange request but sticks her legs up in the air all the same. "Perfect. Okay, so I'm going to hold onto your feet and push on them and you bend your knees—we'll work together to make it seem like you're pedaling really fast. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Smart girl. Ready… go!" He starts singing a silly song under his breath as they move. "Ride a bike, ride a bike, ride a bike, bike, bike!" Tali is clearly tickled, and she giggles for a minute after they stop. "Did it work?" Tony asks, grinning at her mirth.

"How do I know if it did?"

"It worked if it made you toot."

"Toot? Ew, Daddy! That's gross!"

"Maybe it is, Tali-Tee," Tony says, teasingly poking her sides to make her squirm, "but it'll make your tummy feel better. So did it work?"

"No."

"Alright, we'll just try again."

When it still doesn't work a second time, Tony exchanges mildly concerned glances with Ziva. Tali probably just has a bit of a stomach bug or maybe some constipation, but it's something they'll need to keep an eye on, just in case.

___________________

Ziva goes to check on Tali a few hours after bedtime, and at first, all seems well. Tali is sleeping soundly, showing no signs of distress.

Moved by tenderness, Ziva leans down to kiss the sleeping girl's face, but she jerks back a little almost immediately. Tali's skin feels too warm, probably feverish. Combined with the upset stomach she had earlier, it's slightly worrying.

Trying not to jump to conclusions, Ziva fetches a thermometer and runs it lightly across Tali's forehead. When it beeps, she turns it over so she can see the screen—it reads 38. It is a fever, but it's not a high one, thank goodness.

Ziva is kneeling next to the bed, trying to decide what to do, when she hears her name being whispered. "Ziva?" She looks up to see Tony in the doorway. "Is she alright?"

Ziva holds up the thermometer so he can see. "She has a fever. I am not sure what to do. If it was higher, I would wake her to give her medicine, but… since it is still low, should we wake her, or let her sleep?"

Tony considers that for a moment. "I think we should probably give her some paracetamol. The fever may be low now, but getting ahead of it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world."

Ziva nods and starts to stand, but Tony shakes his head. "You go ahead and wake her up. I'll go get the medicine."

He disappears from the doorway, and Ziva starts gently petting Tali awake. "Hamuda, it is time to open your eyes," she murmurs. "Come now, wake up, little one."

Slowly, Tali emerges from sleep, opening her eyes and then fluttering them closed again into a squinty frown to ward against the dim light spilling in from the hallway. "'s morning already? I wanna go back to sleep."

Ziva can't help smiling at the complaint. Tali really is just like her father. "No, it is not morning, and you can go back to sleep. Abba and I just need you to take a little medicine first." She hears footsteps and then Tony's hand appears in her field of vision, offering a little measuring cup full of thick red liquid. "It is the kind you like best—cherry!"

With her eyes still clenched shut, Tali opens her mouth. Ziva pours the medicine in. "How does your tummy feel tonight, my love?"

"Hurts." She already sounds like she's halfway back to sleep, though, which is reassuring. It must not hurt too badly.

Tony pats Tali's foot over the blanket. "I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning, baby. You can go back to sleep now."

"'Kay." Within a few moments, she's breathing deeply and evenly again, fast asleep.

___________________

The rest of the night passes without incident. Tali wakes up in a bad mood, though, and only picks at her breakfast. "I don't want this," she finally says, grumpily pushing her bowl away with enough force that milk slops over the side and onto the table.

Tony frowns at her. "You don't have to eat it if you're not hungry, but don't make a mess just because you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, Tals," he scolds lightly.

"I didn't mean to!" Tali snaps, and she promptly bursts into furious tears.

Stricken, Tony gives Ziva a wide-eyed look. Help?

Ziva stoops in front of Tali, reaching up to wipe tears off of her face. "What is the matter, Tali? We have nothing to cry about, yes?"

"I—" Tali's sobbing so hard that she has to catch her breath before she can speak. "I don't—I don't feel gooood!" she wails.

"It is okay, sweet one, it is all going to be okay," Ziva coos, drawing Tali into her arms and rubbing her back. "Shh. Take deep breaths, my love." Over the top of Tali's head, Ziva gives Tony a mild reproachful look, and the look he gives her back clearly says 'I didn't mean to upset her!'

When Tali calms, Ziva pulls out of the clingy hug and pushes Tali's tear-wet hair out of her face. "That is better," she says, keeping her voice low and soothing. "Now, can you use your words? Can you tell me exactly what does not feel good?"

"My tummy, Ima. It still hurts!"

"Worse than yesterday?"

"Ken."

"Show me where, please?"

Tali points to her belly button, her lip trembling as tears threaten again. Suddenly, though, she goes a little green and turns around to run to the bathroom.

Her parents follow, wincing as she throws up in the toilet. Tony loosely holds her hair back so it doesn't get caught up in the stream of sick. When she seems done, Ziva grabs a cup from under the sink and fills it with water so Tali can rinse and spit. "Should we take her to the pediatrician?" Tony asks under his breath.

"Maybe," Ziva agrees in an undertone.

Tali, however, overhears. "No!" she cries. "No doctors!"

Tony and Ziva exchange looks again. "A doctor might be able to help you feel better, though, love," Tony reminds their daughter.

"No!" Tali repeats fiercely. She's deathly afraid of needles, which has given her a general case of white coat syndrome. Her parents know that she's likely to upset herself significantly if they try to drag her to a medical office. They exchange one more look, and then…

"You do not have to see a doctor right now, but if you start to feel worse, Tali, you must tell us, yes?" Ziva compromises, gentle but firm.

"Fine," Tali mutters. "I wanna go lay down."

"Go for it, darlin'," Tony tells her. "That's a good idea. I'm going to put a trash can next to your bed in case you have to be sick again."

A few minutes later, Tali's back in bed and Tony and Ziva are in the kitchen talking, worried. "Maybe it's just a stomach bug, but… I don't know. I don't have a good feeling, Ziva," Tony says quietly.

"I do not feel good about it, either," Ziva agrees. "We may need to go to a hospital rather than the pediatrician if she gets worse. But—she will be…" she trails off, apprehensive.

"She'll be fine."

Tony's not sure who he's trying to convince—Ziva or himself.

___________________

An hour later, no one is convinced. When Tali wakes up in hysterical tears, she stumbles out of her room clutching her abdomen, seriously alarming both of her parents. "It hurts!" she sobs. "My tummy hurts!"

Tony reaches out to feel her forehead and grimaces. "Ziva, she's burning up. I think it's time."

Ziva nods seriously.

"Time for what?" Tali demands, her tears taking on a fearful edge.

"It is time to visit the hospital, little one," Ziva says softly.

"Noooo!" she wails, backing away. "No hospitals! I don't want to go to the hospital!"

Tony kneels in front of her, mindful not to spook her further. "Hey, Ima and I will be right there with you, baby. We'll be there the whole time. I know it's scary, but if your tummy is sick, we need to see a doctor about it. It's the only way you're gonna feel better, sweetheart."

Tali stamps her foot, trying to look fiercer than she feels. "No. I won't go!"

"Yes, Tali, you will. I am sorry that you are afraid, ahava shelli, but this is important. You are very grown up, and very brave. I have faith in your ability to do what you must. If you cannot, however, we will have to carry you." With Ziva and Tali wearing matching frowns, they look so incredibly similar.

Tali glares between her parents and then makes a break for it, aiming to hide in her room. Tony deftly catches her, however, and murmurs "I'm so sorry" to her as she struggles against him. He turns to Ziva, rising to his feet with his daughter in his arms. "Let's go. Now," he says grimly.

___________________

By the time they reach Hôpital Necker, the nearest children's hospital, Tony and Ziva are both white-faced and anxious, and Tali is inconsolable. The five-year-old has spent the ride fighting desperately to escape, fearing the hospital far more than whatever's upsetting her stomach.

They bring her inside; Ziva goes to talk to the triage nurse while Tony maintains a tight told on Tali, keeping up a constant stream of murmured reassurances to the terrified child. She has mostly stopped trying to run, but he doesn't set her down—he can't let her know, but he's just as afraid as she is. There's little he can do to protect her, but he can hold onto her and keep her safe for now, at least.

It isn't long before they're in a room and things start moving… Tali gets changed into a hospital gown, her tiny hand gets a new IV, and a doctor comes in to examine her. He can't determine much without some tests, so they draw blood, have Tali pee in a cup, and order a CT.

Tali, for her part, has calmed to mere wide-eyed trembling, and she even sits still for the needle sliding into her vein for the IV—so long as Ima keeps holding her hand tightly, that is. She loses it again, though, when she's informed that Ima and Daddy can't go to the CT room with her. Then she struggles so much that the doctor decides she needs to be sedated.

Ziva thinks there's little that's more painful than watching all the fight leave her tiny daughter.

As the medicine takes effect, Tali's eyes start to droop and her death grip on Ziva's hand becomes slackened. Then someone arrives to roll her away, they kiss her gently and tell her they'll see her in a minute, and she's gone.

Ziva sinks into a chair in the corner, suddenly absolutely exhausted.

She feels a hand on her cheek and glances up to find Tony looking at her with concern. "Are you alright, sweet cheeks?"

She can't lie, not to him, not now, so she shakes her head.

"Hey. She'll be back in a few minutes. This is just a test, remember?"

"I know. But… they put medicine in her IV and her hand just went so… limp. I did not like that feeling. It scared me."

Tony sighs, taking her hand to pull her to her feet and then tugging her into a hug. He rests his chin on the top of her head. "I didn't like it, either," he agrees. "You held it together for her until she was gone, though, and I know it helped. She thinks you're fearless."

Ziva lets out a breath of a laugh, pressing her face against Tony's shoulder and drawing comfort where it's offered. "She could not be more wrong."

"Ah, she doesn't need to know that," Tony replies comfortably. "Let her believe you're a superhero for a few more years. I haven't quite grown out of that one myself."

___________________

Tali is returned to them a few minutes later, and then begins a game of hurry-up-and-wait.

The little one dozes on and off on her bed while her mother whispers Hebrew bedtime stories that Tali's too out of it to grasp; talking helps Ziva, though, and she keeps going. Tony sits quietly on the other side of the bed, updating friends and family through text messages. The irony of this role-reversal isn't lost on either Tony or Ziva; the current crisis has drawn him into silence and her into chatter.

After forty-five minutes, the doctor comes back in. "We got the results of Tali's CT scan back," he tells them, and Tali's parents both sit up, alertly focused. "It looks like she has appendicitis. Now," he continues, seeing the alarmed looks Tony and Ziva are sending each other, "I know that sounds scary, and it's true that it does require surgery. It's very routine, though, and it's common. Our surgeons know what they're doing. Your daughter will be fine."

Tali is still too heavily medicated to pay much attention to the conversation, which is good.

"How long will it take?" Tony asks.

"It should be about an hour, maybe two. The surgeon will be able to answer your questions in more detail, though."

Tony and Ziva both have more things they want to ask, but after a rapid silent conversation between them, Ziva nods. "Thank you, doctor. We will wait to talk to the surgeon."

The doctor leaves, and Tony turns back to Tali, who's staring off into space. "Hey, Tali-Tee?"

"Yeah, Daddy?" she asks, smacking her lips sleepily.

"Did you hear what the doctor said?"

"Yeah," she confirms, but she doesn't elaborate.

"Did you understand what the doctor said?"

"Oh, um, no."

That draws a little smile to the worried father's face, and he runs his hands through Tali's hair, tender and concerned and, as always, absolutely full of affection for his tiniest girl. "They found out what's wrong with your tummy. You've got a little piece of you in there that's really mad right now, so another doctor is going to take that piece out so it doesn't hurt you. Does that make sense?"

"Why's it mad?" Tali asks, confused.

"It heard all of Abba's silly jokes and got angry because they were not funny," Ziva chips in. The attempt at levity is weak, but it brings a woozy smile to Tali's face.

"You wound me!" Tony complains, a hand clutching his chest, and Tali giggles.

"How do they take that piece out?" she asks once her laughter dies away.

"First, they give you a special medicine that makes you take a nap, yes?" Ziva explains, lightly tapping the IV with one finger. "While you are sleeping, they make a little tiny cut or two on your tummy and pull that angry piece right out. Then they put on some bandages and wake you up again!"

"I don't want any more needles," Tali complains, but the remnants of the sedative keep her from panicking about it.

"No, baby, no more needles. That's what the IV is for, so they don't have to stick you again."

"You promise?"

"We promise."

___________________

The staff lets Ziva and Tony walk with the gurney as they take Tali to the operating room, and they're grateful. Tali has been given more medications and isn't too bothered by the whole thing for now, but her parents are another story.

At the door to the surgical wing, they have to say goodbye.

"You can't come?" Tali asks, frowning and looking back and forth between her parents until she gets dizzy. "Are you sure?"

Tony jerks his head at one of the scrub-adorned nurses that's about to take the gurney away and shakes his head. "Aurélia here runs a tight ship, Tali-Tee. I think she'd fight us if we tried, and look at those muscles! She'd win!"

"Nobody wins against Ima," Tali contradicts, and Ziva grins.

"And do not forget it." She leans down and kisses Tali's head before switching to Hebrew. The rest is meant for Tali's ears only. "I love you more than anything in the world, my sweet girl," she whispers. "I will be waiting for you when you wake up. You will be fine. I cannot wait to see you again—we have been through bigger things before, yes? We always make it through, you and I. I love you," she repeats, then steps back so Tony can say goodbye, too.

Tony picks up one of Tali's curls between two fingers and drops it again, smiling at her fondly. "I don't speak any super fun languages to tell you secrets in, but don't let that fool you into thinking your mother loves you more," he jokes. "Just you wait, kid—before you know it, we'll be back to running around the apartment at full speed, knocking things off the walls and driving her nuts. Can't wait, baby. I love you lots. See you soon."

"I love you, too, Daddy, Ima," Tali replies, and then she's waving as the nurses roll her away.

Then it's just Tony and Ziva, and Ziva's smile slides right off her face. "We need to go to the waiting room so we will be ready when they come to update us," she says stonily, and turns to walk away without waiting for an answer.

Tony, who had been somewhat afraid of this sort of thing happening, follows her without comment. It's clear that she's been holding back in deference to Tali's own fear, and the fallout isn't going to be pretty once she acknowledges her emotions.

When they get to the waiting room, Tony picks a chair and sits, but Ziva doesn't join him. Instead, she starts to pace, up and down the short aisle of chairs—back and forth, back and forth, something twitchy in her movements. She's acting like a caged animal.

Suddenly, she stops, grabbing onto the back of a chair tightly with both hands and staring off into the distance. Her breathing grows shallow and uneven. "Ziva," Tony says quietly.

She doesn't respond.

This isn't the first anxiety attack she's had since reuniting with her family, but this is the first one she's had in public in the last few months. Tony really isn't sure how to react; he doesn't want to startle her, but he also doesn't want to let her panic indefinitely. Slowly, cautiously, he gets to his feet and stands in front of her. "Ziva, look at me. Please."

She does, but she clearly isn't seeing him. Dark, wide, and fearful, her eyes stare at something that's not there.

"Ziva." Tony gently takes one of her hands, and she jumps. Her eyes focus in on him, though, and she seems to remember where she is. Unfortunately, that does the opposite of calming her. All of the sudden, she's hyperventilating and trembling, her eyes clear but wild. "Hey. Ziva. Ziva, listen to me. Just listen, okay?"

She nods desperately, searching for something to hold onto.

"Tali is going to be fine. She's our daughter, remember? She's made of strong stuff. This is a really straightforward surgery, that's what the surgeon said—it's the single most commonly performed emergency surgery for kids."

"But— but I cannot—" As she tries to get the words out, tears start to escape her eyes, trailing down her face and dripping onto her shirt.

"Hey, take a deep breath and try again. Come on, love."

Ziva makes a conscious effort to follow his instructions. "I cannot lose her," she says, swallowing hard. "I have only had her back for—not even two months now, Tony. I cannot—I have lost too much. I would not survive losing Tali."

"You won't." This is firm, almost angry, daring the universe to argue. "We won't. Can you believe that for an hour? Just one hour. Then our girl will be out of surgery and waking up and this will all seem like a bad dream."

"One hour?" Ziva repeats.

"One hour," Tony confirms.

"I will… try."

"That's my girl." Not caring at all that they're in a waiting room full of strangers, Tony lightly drops his forehead to rest against Ziva's. "I'm proud of you," he whispers. "You and Tali both, you're tough as nails."

In response, she kisses him chastely, and then tucks her face against his neck. It's a comforting place to hide, warm and surrounded by someone who would follow her to the ends of the earth, someone who always, always has her back.

They stay there until someone comes to get them.

___________________

Tali is fast asleep when they're finally allowed back to see her, but it doesn't matter. She's breathing and her face is—for now—clear of any pain. She'll be back to normal in a few weeks.

Ziva cries again when they see her. This time, there's no panic attached, but… she's softer now than she used to be. She tries to let herself feel all of the reactions she tried to hide before, because her family deserves her emotional honesty. Something tells her that Tony gets it, because he gives her a warm, sympathetic smile and wraps his arm around her. He holds her until she's done crying.

This feels like the first real parenting test they've faced together, and it's an enormous relief to be on the other side of it.

Tali starts to snore, and they know that everything will be alright.

[starryknightace]

I had Top Surgery! (Post Op 1 1/2 Weeks pics)

[[MORE]]

Suprise! I had top surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It was a bit of a process to get to that point and i was literally counting down the hours til i went under. I kept joking to people i was most excited about my "induced 4 hour nap" more than anything. I got to my day surgery clinic early in the morning, to which i got changed into scrubs, was told to wait under a blanket to keep my body warm, and met with the nurse, anesthetist and my surgeon for pre op discussions. Then i was escorted into the operation theatre where i hopped on the table, got nice and comfy with blankets, tubes, oxygen mask annnnddd.... woke up 4 hours later forgetting i had surgery 🤣

I did this in my last surgery (which in comparission was more terrifying cause i had blood in my mouth and couldnt remember what happened to me), but i woke up and couldn't work out where i was, why i felt so dizzy and how i got clothed 🤣 i spent about 2 hours in the recovery room sat in a recliner chair dozing off, except to eat (cause i had been fasting prior) and drink. I did try to pee but couldn't which was frustrating 😅 then i was taken home, where i promptly went to sleep lol

I had my drains in for 72 hours and they were the worst part of recovery. I carried bottles in a pillow case and they had be be positioned lower than my chest at all times. Luckily i wasn't able to move much and while i was on strong pain medication i mainly slept. I had my mum stay with me for a week and i'm thankful she did cause she really saved my butt by doing everything for me (i really had to let go of my control which was weirdly hard, i just felt bad making her do things for me but she was happy to). The drains were uncomfortable and by the morning there were to be taken out i was really hurting where they were inserted. After they were taken out it was a blessing and recovery got A LOT easier. I had shallow baths every few days and my mum helped me was my hair. I had baby wipes for my armpits and chest area which again saved me from being stinky. I still mainly slept, or watched tv shows with my mum up until she left. She prepped me a LOT of meals before she left so i wouldn't have to cook.

Sleeping on my back was probably the most uncomfortable part (after the drains), because i'm a stomach sleeper. I have been managing to sleep though which has been nice (and Maple has been good, sleeping beside me all through the night!). I've been sleeping elevated to help with swelling. I actually got told off by my nurse while doing my week post op check up cause i was still doing too much. I went to Uni for a 6 hour workshop that day too and went to a costume showcase that night. Safe to safe i was exhausted the next day and didnt do much but sleep.

So i'm still quite swollen and bruised 1 1/2 weeks in, which will eventually settle down. my nipples seem to be taking well so crossing fingers the blood returns. I was worried about puckering but being able to closely examine my chest it's due to the swelling at the moment so hopefully that goes down too.

All in all i can't stop smiling at my chest - i finally feel like myself 😁

Some tips for those looking to have Top Surgery based on my experience:

MEDICINE

I have a high pain threshold - i was willing to go to uni a week post op because i could stand to - would recommend people booking off at LEAST 3 weeks prior to work/study if you can help it. I have only one class per week at the moment and its only theory so thats why i was able to travel and even then i was taken pain killers ever 4 hours.

In my mother's words "don't be a hero, if you need to take pain relief, do it". Best advice. I've weened myself off pain killers to 2 just before bed (panadine forte), or before i need to go out and do things (genral paracetamol). If you need to take more just do it - also write down when you've taken things (because its good to know how much you've had per day!) You can take iburofen and paracetamol intermittedly in 4 hour intervals (eg. Iburofen at 12pm, paracetamol at 2pm, another dose of iburofen at 4pm, etc).

You'll also be taking antibiotics - generally 3 times a day with meals. I also took probiotics 2 hours after taking my antibiotics to avoid the sideaffects of them (eg. Mouth Ulcers (which i did get dang it), thrush, etc).

I was also taking strong pain killers (for the first few days i took 2 every 4 hours then weened down to one per night). Be careful with strong pain killers - the thing doctors/people don't tend to mention is that they can be addictive/dependent drugs. Sometimes you would prefer to keep taking them and that can be an issue. I asked my surgeon at my 1 week if i could please get one more script of something a little stronger than paracetamol to take a night and it took a bit more of a discussion to get it. If you can try to get by on the paracetamol alone do so and remember you can alternate with iburofen every two hours.

WEIRD BOWELS

With all these medications you'll more than likely get constipated so adding to the list of medications i also took good ol' laxatives. The first poop after surgery was like 3 days later and it hurt 😅 the laxatives helped me after to soften my stools (cheat mode is when you're lactose intolerent and you eat a bunch of cheesecake whoops 😅). Also peeing was weird for the first week due to the anesthestics in me. It took me ages to pee, sometimes i had the feeling of needing to pee but nothing happened, and i was peeing like, every hour.

SUPPORT

Both in furniture sense and people sense.

My mum was my main support especially in the first week. She looked after me, my house and my cat. She grabbed things i couldn't access, drove me to my appointments, managed my medicine, cooked me food and generally just helped me around the place. Originally i only wanted her there for a few days but im glad she was there cause i was sore and out of it most of the time. Alongside her my two best friends were also a massive help - coming over to keep me company, drive me places, help me do my grocery shopping, tell me off for overdoing it, gave me plenty of entertainment (thanks to katie i finished wind waker!). Get yourself some support and let go of that control, you will honestly be too tired and sore to do anything anyway.

Make sure you get yourself some comfy pillows. I got myself a U shaped pillow and it has so far saved my neck so much pain. I sleep elevated which means more pillows to prop myself up. And pillows for my couch.

WASHING

So for the first 72 hours i was just a gross gremlin with dry shampoo because of the drains. My chest was covered in bandages so i couldn't wash that area anyway. After the drains were removed i was told i could have showers, but i opted for shallow bathes anyway. I was able to wash myself fine (just go slow), then i would put pants on and get my mum to help wash my hair. After my 1 week check up i started having showers, but stood out of the stream. I only have tape to cover my stitches now (i took them off for the photo) so am able to carefully wash parts of my chest and back i couldnt get to before. I can now wash my hair (slowly). Raising my arms is still not easily fesable but i can lift them to a certain point.

EMOTIONAL

Now, i wasn't as emotional as i thought i was going to be but i do know other trans guys who said they went through bouts of depression after their surgery. Its something to look out for. For me, it was emotionally draining to talk to people about it constantly. I didn't mind though and it was nice people checked up on me but it did wear me out. Its always good though to check in with your emotional state throughout to see how youre feeling. It's not an inmediate grattification, the swelling and bruising is a lot and it won't look right for a while. Also leading up to surgery people can feel fearful and doubtful, always chat to a loved one about your feelings! Personally i had no nerves leading up to surgery but afterwards i was constantly worried that i wasn't healing right. Talking to your surgeon will HELP trust me!

SCARRING

Ok this was a big shock to me so i hope this helps other people but scar medication/ointments don't actually work. I asked my surgeon about it and as a skin professional who has been studying the effects of scarring for over 40 years - this is a beauty scam you don't need to bite into.

"Time and your genetic biology are the only ways that help your scars heal, sorry to burst your bubble but save your money on that placebo".

Looking after yourself the first few months post op will help you get good results later.

Of course i understand if people will still want to buy scarring products but thought i would post the words of a professional too 😅 don't shoot the messenger on this one. And if you do decide to use the stuff then wait 6 months before doing so.

I think that's all i can think of at the moment. There's a really good private facebook group for top surgery and i got a lot of my info from there. If people are curious feel free to DM me, send me an inbox and i'd be happy to chat as best i can! My experience is based in Australia so people might have different expectations/experiences in different countries!

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