#you have something to hide. like this is a pattern and given the audience of that show are mostly teens and early 20s.... this just fits

[seenthisepisode]

.

[suffarustuffaru]

Reading your tags about how people miss the very obvious "there's some fucked up shit boiling underneath" regarding Otto, just gave me a sudden realization. Otto is the only character I know in fiction where they act all innocent and drive up the "clumsy", "just in the side-lines" and "straight-man (heh)" persona. When. Like no one's in the EMT camp is buying it. They know he's way more capable than he let's on. Meanwhile, the tomfoolery is completely brought on by the Western audience.

Like Otto is failing miserably to make other characters believe that he's not up to mischief, Roswaal even thinks it can bring his downfall. But the audience, who even sometimes *sees* his fucked up thought process, is buying it.

*head in hands*

no u bring up so many good points bc ive been really thinking about this for a while T^T its such an interesting phenomenon in the difference in perception otto has between the japanese speaking half of the fandom vs the english speaking half which can be explained by—yeah. media illiteracy mainly. im also putting my head in my hands anon T^T

because—okay sorry wkdndn im gonna get into meta again but hear me out bc this pattern of the fandom underestimating otto is interesting bc i kind of sort of i cracked the code maybe??? o.o i think the nature of otto is a character is that youre SUPPOSED to underestimate him at first, just like what happens sometimes in universe. i mean wayyy back then i definitely wasnt expecting him to get more depth added to him in arc 4–which was a pleasant surprise—which is also the reaction the vast majority of people have to reading/watching arc 4, along with the other vast majority reaction which is being a bit endeared to ottosubas friendship and respecting otto for being a good friend. and then its easy to underestimate otto bc of 1. all the chaos going on in rezero at any given moment and 2. hes almost always overshadowed by other characters doing worse shit or being more insane than he is and 3. otto of course damn well knows hes easy to underestimate and counts on that. thats what he did against roswaal in arc 4. plus—i mean even aesthetics-wise hes 100% DESIGNED to be easy to underestimate. his outfit and physical features make him look either friendly or frazzled or soft. so i think that the point is that we were supposed to be kind of fooled—at first.

because yeah, we’re endeared to otto. we respect him for helping subaru the way he did. we think that hes a nice person and we now support his actions especially after feeling sympathetic towards him after learning his backstory. (or at least the average audience member will think this wjdndn.) but like—you dont even NEED to look at any side content at all for it to dawn on you that theres something Wrong. with him. like all you need is main route arcs 3-8 aka ottos entire screentime thus far, because at arc 4 its so easy to overlook otto unless youre thinking a bit deeper (for example—he gets violent with subaru. like yeah its entertaining, its played for laughs a bit, yeah subaru needed to be snapped out of his own head, but was it 100% necessary??? why did otto have this response??? bc if you just look at the main timeline otto really decided to beat up subaru first. and bc this tendency is now Less Funny in arc 8).

but even if youre just looking at rezero face value, when you get to arc 5 its starting to get even more clear that ottos weird in the head. like we already saw him being very good at scheming and planning in arc 4–in arc 5, we find out about otto hiding the tome for a year. we find out WHY hes been hiding the tome for a year. the tome then leads the witch cult into priestella, so like—in the sense, otto is RESPONSIBLE for arc 5. but theres STILL a tendency sometimes for the audience to continue underestimating him even though by this point we’re getting more clues and many characters around otto, like you said anon, KNOW hes very capable. i keep wondering why this is, but arc 5 is, again, FULL of chaos and different storylines happening at once, so its so easy to almost kind of forget otto there in the background until he occasionally pops up again. plus otto serves an additional role as comedic relief sometimes—he spends all of arc 5 being bitchy and whiny (i say this affectionately HAH) about his camp being full of disasters, for example, so i think the natural response from the audience tends to be “aw otto!! what a silly guy!!” sometimes. you know? so its like. i think at this point some people tend to be like “yeah fair that otto was wary of roswaal and thats why he saved the tome…. anyway ooooh whats going on with these other plot points” wobsbss. its so fascinating bc—ok this might be my own personal experience but anyone reading this pls tell me if you agree or not—i dont think ive seen a lot of people actually even MENTION otto bringing the tome into priestella attracting witch cultists. and the english speaking fandom LOVES to go into certain characters’ wrongdoings so why gloss over otto????

the only explanation i have for this is that from arcs 3-4 underestimating otto is. kind of the point of his character UNTIL you get to arc 5 and the clues in the main story start seeping in even more. and also the western audience DOES have media illiteracy a lot. theres that too. just look at rezero content on youtube or reddit or fanfic sites or other things of that sort T^T but no yeah i think ottos nature as a character exacerbates it. youre supposed to start asking questions about him. youre supposed to start connecting the dots and then SUDDENLY its now EXTREMELY obvious in arc 7-8 and even while theres so much chaos going on its basically shoved in your face. arc 7-8 is just delivering on all the leadup that was arcs 3-5.

and i think that youve gotta be media illiterate for sure to NOT get that otto is not squeaky clean and innocent BY ARC 8. i think that ottos the deconstruction of the loyal best friend trope, and also a mirror into what subaru couldve been like if he decided to be more ruthless instead of jumping right to forgiveness and saving everyone, except sometimes that flies right over the audience’s head wkdndnd. it confuses me bc ive seen some people completely miss the point or completely agree with otto and overlook the Bad Parts of it or, you know, STILL think ottos perfectly sane—like T^T please.

and yeah so back to what you said about otto Not being underestimated In Universe—its such an interesting detail bc hes ALWAYS been simultaneously pathetic and Very Competent wjdndnd. but yeah no all of his friends have seen various hints and clues and evidence of what hes capable of. like even though he hid the tome from them successfully and even though hes hiding info now its INEVITABLE that its gonna blow up in his face one day. like you got characters like garfiel who literally saw otto punch the wall and break his hand in an unhinged fit of rage, julius who got snapped at by otto and while julius is a Bit naive definitely knows somethings off there, anastasia whos smart as hell and definitely knows not to underestimate otto, and roswaal who, like you said anon, literally went out of his way to stop otto from breaking his hand in another unhinged fit of rage and warned otto that he will literally be destroying himself if he keeps going on like this. its this fascinating dichotomy bc otto is NOT fooling anyone around him but at the same time his current schemes are mostly unnoticed—for now—which yeah i havent seen that in a lot of media!!! its an interesting balancing act bc people around him realistically know hes competent after seeing the Proof of that for the past couple arcs, but otto is still finding ways to try and Win…

which—again, the anger and violence is an extension of arc 4 otto!! this is the same guy!! hes always been like this!! ottos kind of stayed the same, deep down, this whole time and as an audience its ONLY shoved in our face with a big gigantic spotlight on it FOUR ARCS LATER, but it was hinted to all this time. and like you said anon—we LITERALLY see ottos fucked up thought processes. literally what sane person thinks any of that shit. its spelled right out for the reader HAH T^T which—yeah. media illiteracy…. and also this whole ask was a longer way of just saying that otto is VERY easy to see at surface level if youre media illiterate. but at the same time it should be very easy to figure out otto is A Bit Fucked Up bc tappei underlines it in bright red print!!! i think people sometimes just hang onto soft awkward silly otto and forget about the rest T^T either that or they dont think he cares about subaru at all. which. that phenomenon of thinking characters that do care about subaru Dont Care is also interesting to me bc why????? we’re at arc 8 and you STILL dont get it??? o.ooooo

but yeah apart from that….. i said this earlier but yeah sometimes some people agree with ottos realism in arc 8 which is. understandable, but the whole point is that he is EXTREME. with it. hes Not in the right here, but the same crowd that wants wanton revenge in rezero is gonna agree with that kind of stuff T^T ottos been lurking in the background so much so that tappei made it meta by doing the whole “walking in darkness” part of his character, so i guess people just. dont see ottos ACTUAL worst traits and instead think he would ditch subaru at the first opportunity or something. but at the point we are now, arc 8 ottos problem isnt that hed ditch subaru. his problem is that he would sacrifice the world for subaru. his problem is that he gets extremely angry at subaru for trying to do good. his problem is that hes trying to micromanage everything around him and is willing to sacrifice anything necessary to get what he wants. but sometimes people dont get that bc otto doesnt look sound or seem like a character thatd do that. the Underestimation part of his character is doing too well on. certain audiences. please T^T the soft and awkward and silly parts ARE part of his character just like all the Darker parts are!!!

additionally im also wondering if western audience perception of otto is also clouded by the fact that otto looks and sounds more feminine / androgynous and he doesnt have the appeal of Overt Power either……. he cant Really be waifu-ified… and he cant be used as a weird self insert like subaru…. and you Have to look at him closer to understand him…. and for some reason people dont tend to hate on him so aggressively, if anything people cant even see his actual canonical flaws half the time wkdndn so if youre not paying attention otto CANT be aggressively hated on bc theres nothing there if ur not looking at it….. and if youre not paying attention otto seems more “boring” compared to the others…… (not that people arent allowed to not have otto as a favorite character bc thats totally fair but im talking about the tendency to think hes Saner than he actually is.) but yeah these are just my guesses. i have no clue the western fandom is a little T^T some people unfortunately cannot read.

anyway. big thank you to the japanese fanbase for understanding ottos character more and making so much wonderful fancontent for him T^T also i think that we as a collective fanbase should stop underestimating otto in general bc its exactly what he wouldnt want and i think itd be really hilarious. <3333 make him explode with rage please

[dmagedgoods]

15 and 18 for all your boys~

15. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first? Rowley: Rowley doesn’t speak in lofty and sophisticated terms or only ironically, but he is witty, expressive, and creative - with his vocabulary too -, and has a very dark sense of humor. Usually, he finds the right words fast and without thinking about them much, and with the right words I mean the most terrible thing to say in any situation he’s in. People’s reactions to it are highly endearing to him. It amuses him and he shamelessly provokes. He may have saved someone’s life a second before, but you can be sure he’ll make them forget about it right away by offending them in unexpected ways or by painting himself in the most horrible light and even worse than he actually is. Usually, he doesn’t show emotions when he speaks. It’s mocking or teasing or factual or just some idle chatting. With him, it needs a certain level of friendship or other forms of closeness (like romantic relationships) to reach a point where he starts to let you see his feelings with words and in general. Once it happens, his way of talking becomes softer, even a touch warmer, and he provides insights that make you realize he listens and observes much more closely than one might suspect. He uses profanity a lot. Sometimes with a hint of irony to it, sometimes to insult or provoke, sometimes just a few swear words on the way when something goes wrong or casually interwoven in his speech patterns. He will make up new things on the spot, never-heard combinations and unique creations, funny in his better moments, utter nonsense in his worst.

~ Eneas: Eneas is eloquent and well-spoken; in most cases, he shows sophisticated, polished manners and his choice of vocabulary reflects it. Words are his strongest weapon aside from his magic, he uses them to charm and to captivate, to draw in and paint pictures. Furthermore, he loves to spontaneously recite poems or to quote from famous literature. He is a musician but also a storyteller and lives to entertain and to use words with utmost effect and accompanied by a dramatic flair. He rarely shows his true feelings, still his way of talking or telling little tales never lacks the needed emotion. His words often have a theatric element. While he most often has a clear direction in mind and plans his roles and performances and even his words to a degree, he only truly rehearses when it’s of utmost importance (or an actual stage play ahead of him). As long as he moves within the idea of what he’s representing at the given moment, he is capable of improvising the details. He can make his words simple but he rarely wants to. Speaking has the potential to become a form of art in itself after all. Usually, he still makes sure his sentences aren’t too complicated or confusing, he wants his audience to follow him after all, but it happens that his structures serve to hide a second meaning or a well-placed little lie. In other cases, he just enjoys some theatrics, the drama of his own statements, or obscures in the name of storytelling. Eneas almost never uses profanity and if so with a touch of irony to it. He doesn’t mind profanity used by others (or at least rarely does), but he himself refrains from all too rude expressions in most cases. Of course, when he plays certain roles, profanity might be part of it. Usually, though, he much prefers to insult in more subtle ways coming with a sharper sting. ~ Salvadore: Salvadore is very eloquent with strong rhetoric skills, educated, trained in diplomacy, and even studied speech patterns since he has a natural interest in and talent for words. He loves to talk to people, to convince them of his views, or to hold impactful speeches in front of an audience. While strongly passionate about his goals and for those he cares for, Salvadore rarely gives away many emotions in front of people. It needs a deep bond with someone for him to show his warmer and even surprisingly playful side or his possessive tendencies. (All of this even publicly to a degree with someone he loves romantically.) He makes his sentence structure only as complex as needed to convey an idea. After all, he wants to reach people with his words not to confuse them. His choice of words is sophisticated but he speaks clearly and not in obscuring, long-winded, or highly scientific terms. Sometimes he utters very short and strict orders or shuts something down with a well-aimed remark. Salvadore rehearses his speeches and prepares his arguments for important meetings and consultations or discussions, he likes to be prepared, but he also leaves room for spontaneous reactions. It’s more the whole plan for how things are supposed to go which he studies ahead (and sometimes intensely so) than every word he intends to use. He can easily improvise in his fields of expertise, and his confidence and eloquence usually help him when he’s out of his element. There may be audiences where stronger words are needed and he doesn’t mind going there, but in his usual speech patterns, he mostly refrains from profanity. If he uses it, then the rough, harsh sort. In sexual contexts and roleplays, he enjoys profanity here and there – though it depends on the words in question. If he means to insult, he will hit the mark in different and deeper ways (humiliating his target in eloquent manners) than by making up creative swear words.

~ Cian: Despite his affinity for bringing himself into the spotlight here and there and to present a small performance, Cian slightly prefers using the written word over using the spoken word. He has more control over ink on paper and time to think through any deep aspect of it before presenting it to an audience. He is not too fond of improvising completely freely and in important moments, he rather overprepares his words or repeats them in his mind before saying them out loud to make sure they’ll have the planned effect. Speaking is immediate and correcting mistakes or wrong impressions almost impossible once they are made. Still, he knows how to sell what he wants to make people believe in most cases, is a smooth talker, and quite eloquent, especially in his areas of interest and if he had time to prepare. He hates being caught not knowing something he is supposed to know (in his opinion or even worse: in the opinion of those around him) and struggles to keep his superior demeanor when embarrassed in this way. As soon as he's relaxed and actually feels confident instead of playing it, he will show a witty and teasing side that comes naturally and he doesn't need to rehearse. Cian tries to appear controlled and either charming or distant while speaking without giving away many emotions. This works well for him unless he is in a state where his feelings overwhelm him too much, then it becomes impossible for him to hide them. His sentence structure shows that he’s sophisticated and educated but he speaks clearly and not overly confusing. Nonetheless,  his way of talking has something slightly theatrical sometimes. He uses profanity here and there, mostly when relaxed and comfortable. – Rarely ever to insult, he has more effective means for that, but just to express strong approval or disapproval, for example. 18. What embarrasses them? This one is here. 💕

[antstarion]

layla meeting jake

Summary: marc tells layla what happened to her dad but it doesn't go well and someone else has to step in, layla is meeting jake before the boys fully do, fairly sure this is canon compliant

Warnings: descriptions of dissociation, angst, writer does not have DID, descriptions of being trapped/claustrophobia, violence, mild swearing

A/N- I actually wrote a non reader insert!! *the crowd cheers*. pls be kind tho as this isn't my usual format so idk how good it's going to be. also the idea came from this ask.

likes, reblogs, and feedback are all appreciated sm :)))

---

The events of the last month were still fresh in laylas mind. They were hard to forget, no matter how much she wished she could. She was more accustomed to adventures and digsites than most people but nothing could've prepared her for that week in Cairo. She became the (temporary) avatar of an egyptain god for a start. She stood in the proof of everything her father had looked for and had seen the gods up close. The only good thing to come out of it was learning her father made it to the field of reeds and was at peace. Yet, in a weird way, her father was something she wished she could forget. Not his life, but how he died and how marc was involved. Marc still hadn't given layla the full story, but she knew enough.

Now layla knew marc was only twenty minutes away, questions about her dad were constantly circulating around her mind. Yesterday she was supposed to see them and get some answers, but yesterday became today which became tomorrow. Layla wasn't even sure she wanted anwsers anymore, the truth seemed to hurt more than the lies did, but she chased it anyways.

---

Layla didn't postpone and the next day she found herself inside their flat waiting on steven to finish making tea.

"Here you go" steven says, setting the steaming mug down next to her.

Layla stares at tea before picking it up to give her hands something to do. "How are you then, steven?" she asked as sincerely as possible. Staring down at the tea, she swirled the liquid around and watched the patterns form in the mug, before they finally settled.

"Oh. Uh, yeah everything's good. Yeah all fine pretty much" steven trailed off, his voice getting quieter as he spoke. There was a long pause, Layla couldn't figure out if steven was considering something or talking to marc, but he eventually spoke. "Sorry, how are you?"

"I'm okay" Layla lied. The small talk was somehow amplifying her anger. Until now those emotions from the tomb had stayed locked away, forced down by the need to survive and to beat harrow, but now they were rising up again. She ran her fingernails up the side of her leg, trying to focus on the feeling of the material. The last scraps of her patience were dissapearing quickly.

"I need to talk to marc"

Steven pauses again before nodding. Marc was trying to hide but steven slowly slips away from the front and pushes marc in. Layla notices the shift immediately. But it wasn't hard to given how marc jumped back as his eyes finally focused on her.

"Hi marc" layla greets as kindly as she can muster.

Marc furrows his brows and mumbles a tiny greeting back.

"You know what I'm here for" layla states, cutting right to the chase. They'd danced around the issue for long enough.

"I know"

For once layla stops herself from helping marc or insisting he doesn't have to talk if he's not ready. She sits as he mulls over his words, waiting for him to take the first step. As marc prepares to speak his eyes drift around the room before focusing slightly past layla. She was in his vision but just out of focus enough that he could pretend his only audience was the empty room.

"I was working as a mercenary for my old CO Bushman, I took a job at a digsite. Your dad was there" Marc breaks, retelling the parts he's already told layla to remind himself of the pain he's caused her, "The job was going well, if you can say that. But Bushman got greedy. He called for no witnesses. I refused. I tried to get them out. I did. But he just shot me too"

Layla takes a deep breath. Marcs eyes tell her that there's more to come.

"I was wounded and I saw a temple. I dragged myself into it and that's where knonshu found me. He offered a way to save my life and I took it. Thats when I became his avatar." Marc withheld certain details, he didn't deserve the sympathy that they would inevitably garner from her.

Marc finally meets laylas gaze, trying to extract anything he can from her eyes, any smidge of a reaction.

Layla just stares back at the man in front of her. When he said he should've died that night, that's what he meant. It was such a messy situation. But if she believed what he said, marc wasn't really at fault with her father, he did try to save him.

Marc can't take the silence, he has to fill it with something.

"Layla I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" marc says, his voice cracking. The burden of guilt hits his heart. He swears his heart rate is slowing, or time is slowing. The air feels sluggish and doesn't fill his lungs right. There's no relief. A problem shared isn't always a problem halved, especially when talking makes the problem real. When it sends you back to the moment you made that mistake, and the moment you were forced to relive it next to the one you were supposed to protect, and see the horror of realisation on his face.

Layla doesn't have that look, her face is blank. The lack of response is worse than anything she could say to him, or any look she could give him. Shouting and anger would bring relief to him, all he wants is for layla's anger to match how angry he is with himself.

Instead layla stands up silently, walking to the bathroom and securing the lock behind her. She slumps against the door letting herself fall to the floor and hiding her head in her knees.

Why can't it be simple? She thinks back to her wedding day, how sure she was that this was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Now she wasn't so sure. Knowing their relationship was built on lies tainted everything. As the walls of ignorance crumbled so did laylas hope that they could patch things up.

Her mind drifts back to when they were on the boat in Cairo as she remembers her own words "you could've told me". Half of marcs problems came from his dishonesty. The situation with her dad was complicated, but not inherently wrong. He tried, she believed that, and if he wouldve told her what happened things might be different.

Maybe in another reality they were cuddling on the couch right now, breaking into a bottle of wine and watching whatever trashy reality tv show was playing at 9pm. And in another they were having a fight because marc forgot to fill the dishwasher and told layla she should do it herself. She willed to have any other problem, to be in any other situation that was easy to fix. Or that even had a solution.

There was a knock at the bathroom door but no words. Layla ignores it, sobbing softly into her knees. The knock comes again so she reluctantly stands up and unlocks the door. Marc is stood there awkwardly. She brushes past him and sits back on the sofa, drying her eyes to erase any evidence of her tears even though he'd already seen them. Marc walks after her and silently sits on the armchair furthest away from her. Was he avoiding her? That made no sense, if anything she should be avoiding him.

Jake stares at the floorboards. The other two picked an absolutey amazing time to hide. He can feel laylas eyes burning into the top of his head. He's not sure what conversation he fronted into but he figured it couldn't be good.

Silence fills the air as jake considers his options, his steven impression was rusty but it could work. Layla always made him nervous though. She knew them too well. Her eyes could see even the things he tried to conceal.

Jake was more right than he knew. Layla was already dissecting every part of his body language. It only took her a couple minutes to come to her conclusion, the person in front of her was the same person who took down harrow in Cairo. Somewhere in her maze of thoughts she could remember the way the third person moved around, quicker and more efficient than steven and marc but also harsher and less forgiving. There was no doubt this was him.

"This isn't marc or steven is it?" layla calmly asks, the silence becomes heavier as the person across her absorbs her words.

Jake freezes like a deer in headlights. Something presses onto his chest and his head feels too heavy. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He willed marc or steven to wake up so he could thrust them into the front. But they both stayed quiet. This one godaamn time they stay quiet.

Letting his head drift up, jake and laylas eyes lock. It's not the first time he's looked into them but it's the first time they're seeing him.

He shakes his head as a response to laylas question. She readjusts herself in her seat, leaning backwards. Jake feels like his every movement is being scrutinised. Shes trying to figure him out, so he stays as still as possible to limit her resources. Even so, jake doesn't blame her after how they met. Killing all those people in front of her wasn't the best way to start off their relationship but he knew he only did what was necessary.

"Who are you?" layla follows up.

"Not marc or steven" jake mumbles under his breath.

Layla huffs at his comment and jake suppresses a tiny smirk.

"Nice name, very catchy" layla deadpans before getting more serious. "Listen, we know you exist so you'll have to tell us your name at some point"

Jake stares at her, he knows she's right. But he's been hidden for as long as he's existed. Watching over marc and steven was all he knew, if layla knew him then they would know him and that would disrupt his ability to keep them safe. But a part of jake was telling him that they didn't need him anymore.

Jake thinks back the sarcophagus. Being trapped with barely enough space to move, just enough so he could slam his hands into the lid and produce a sound. Hearing his headmates talk just outside, wondering if they could see him. Then hearing them scream and banging harder against the lid, trying to escape so he could protect them. Then violently hitting until his fists were bloody when he realised they'd left him there. Yet, without him the scales still balanced. Fuck it.

"I'm Jake lockley" he greets without a smile. There is a reluctance in his voice, like he's giving a part of himself away rather than just his name.

"I'm Layla El-Faouly" she returns to him with a smile.

He lets out a short laugh, "I know".

Layla looks at him in confusion as the significance of jakes statement sets in. All those times marc froze up next to her, when he flinched at her softest touches or when he had that different look in his eye, was that all jake? Was this just another lie built into their marriage?

"How long have you been around?" layla asks, ignoring the more pressing questions on her mind.

"Long time" jake anwsers shortly.

Layla sensed she'd crossed a boundary so she pulls back, she'd had enough talk of the past for today anyways.

"How much do you know about me? And my relationship with marc?" Layla asks, the curiosity getting the better of her.

"More than steven" jake responds.

He knows he's being vague and he knows it's probably pissing layla off. But he was just biding his time by talking with her until one of the others showed up. For years he'd hidden himself and there was no use giving it up just because he accidently fronted once.

"Jake you don't have to be like this" Layla stares deeper into his eyes and he has to look away.

Rubbing the nape of his neck, jake tries to stop the static rising through him. It's not right. It's not going his way.

"It does" jake assures quietly. Steven and marc were the closest anybody could ever be to him, they were with him wherever ever he went in a way, and that's why they had to be kept the furthest away.

Inside marc stirred and jake wasted no time before he threw him into control and retreated as far back as he could.

Marc blinks trying to shake the blurriness stuck to his eyes. He was still stuck in limbo somewhere between his body and the inner world. The room was askew, everything was orientated at a funny angle giving the environment a sense of unreality. Shutting his eyes didn't help either, even with his eyes closed marc felt an overwhelming and abnormal feeling of detachment. He hadnt been this disorientated from a switch since he could remember. Laylas hand on his shoulder was the only thing keeping him anchored to reality, without her he didn't know where he could've ended up.

"What happened?" marc asks after the dust of his dissociation settles a little.

"I just met jake lockley"

---

A/N: I'm so nervous posting this😶

[shrapnelstars]

I finally sat down to watch this.

I think that when people use the term "genuine", they don't mean "the real person", exactly. I think they mean that they appreciate a host who is not exacting psychological warfare on them and trying to make them feel bad about themselves, or tries to lay out a case for the viewer being a bad or foolish person for engaging with them on inevitable terms.

If I call you a loser for walking on floors and try to make you feel bad for doing so, that's not a valid argument, because you have no choice but to walk on floors, and you cannot fly. Those are universal rules.

That's something that I hate about these types of comedians, youtubers of that caliber, and even certain games that try to claim moral or ethical victory over the viewer by manipulating them into an unwinnable situation, or one where the only winning move is not to play.

"Hah! You fell for my character! Don't you look stupid?" I can only go by what you show me. I am not psychic, and cannot know what you hide from me. I go about my life in peace by not assuming that people are hiding things from me or pretending to be someone that they are not. To do so would be pure paranoia, which is a tortured way to live. Are you then implying that my only choices are to be an "idiot" or to be perpetually paranoid? Then you are the fool, and that gives me a small peek into the morose life and mindset you must lead.

That kind of reminds me of the cope youtubers come up with when their audience turns on them for doing something shitty. "I'm putting up a persona that's an exaggerated version of me! It's not the REAL me! You need to learn the difference between a played up personality and a real person!" Audiences only know what you show them. If you've shown them a reasonable, level-headed person this whole time, and then you do something shit, they're going to assume you're a shitty person who was pretending to be nice for views. You can't pull "I was doing a character the whole time" out of your ass as a saving throw. It only makes you look worse. Because now, not only do you look like you've been manipulating people the whole time, you are also attacking the viewer for not living on the edge of insanity and assuming everything they see is a 6-layer deep illusion.

It is pretty universally understood that you will never know the entirety of a person's heart. People are fine with that. The types of "entertainers" who think they're being clever and deep by exploiting the concept of identity and reasonably understood pattern recognition of human behaviors only reveal how discontented and maladjusted they are compared to others.

And no, I'm not talking about neurodivergency and the inability to process certain behaviors that most people exhibit. (I have ADHD and struggle quite a bit with navigating conversations myself.) I'm specifically talking about the edgy bullshit I mentioned above, where someone acts one way, the person they're acting toward assumes they are the way they acted, and then the actor laughs at how the observer "foolishly fell for their grand manipulation scheme! Oh, the feebleness of the sheeple mind!" And when you take a step back and listen to what that acting person said and how they behaved, you get a clearer picture of them than they could have ever hoped to get of you.

You are always going to leave an aspect of your true self with someone when you have an interaction. You can never hide the entirety of yourself. By making the attempt, you have given the information that you prefer to keep yourself private. That's still a true bit of information about you. Some people engage often enough with others and leave enough of these pieces behind, that the person they left these pieces with can start to form a full picture with them. It may have chunks missing, but they will eventually be able to form a coherent picture. That's just how being human works. They can form an incorrect picture, and it's your choice on whether or not you want to correct it, but a picture will be formed.

You cannot stop a picture from being formed. You can only influence the form it takes.

(For Nathan specifically, I don't fully get the sense that he's trying to be an edgy fuck. He seems slightly more inquisitive than mean-spirited. But what I said still applies.)

[cassandraclare]

The Whispering Room: James’ POV

Here it is finally — James’ POV of the Whispering Room scene from Chain of Gold. I wanted to wait until Chain of Iron was released to give more people a chance to read the book, and also because what we learn in COI does inform the scene. I hope you enjoy!

*art by Cassandra Jean

Cortana wove with her words, underlining each one with steel. She turned as her sword turned, and her body curved and moved like water or fire, like a river under an infinity of stars. It was beautiful—she was beautiful, but it was not a distant beauty. It was a beauty that lived and breathed and reached out with its hands to crush James’s chest and make him breathless. — Chain of Gold

James had felt a strange emotion when Daisy first took the stage at the Hell Ruelle. It was a mix of several feelings...

worry on her behalf, annoyance at Kellington, curiosity, and admiration for her bravery and poise. It was unfair of these Bohemians to force her to caper for them, and, he thought, a bit insulting to Shadowhunters in general. He supposed that Matthew had given them a rather unusual view of what the Nephilim were like in such circumstances.

And then she had begun to dance. And suddenly she was not Daisy, his old friend. She was Cordelia, whose name meant heart, whose every gesture was fire. Every earthly worry he’d had had been swept out of his mind. He was conscious only of Cordelia, whirling back and forth across the small stage. Cortana danced around her, shedding light like embers. The dull glow of the lamps illuminated her body, describing her every movement, her every curve as she danced. Her scarlet hair whipped around her in time to the music, and the golden light of the lamps in the Ruelle slipped across her skin, slow and hot, like beads of honey. The cadences of her voice, rising and falling, seemed to weave a cage of silken thread about her audience, and James was no exception.

Later, James would think it was odd that he had not compared her to Grace. Grace had never entered his mind at all. Cordelia danced, and by the end of her performance, James’s entire life had been disassembled and put back together in a new and different shape. He was conscious of Matthew, beside him, also staring as the crowd cheered, his sharp cheekbones flushed. He looked dazed; James couldn’t blame him.

Cordelia descended the stage and slipped through the crowd to come back to them, blushing at the looks and murmured comments she was drawing from the audience now. James could see the desire in the eyes that followed her. Everyone wanted her. He felt a dull fury. They had no right. They did not know Cordelia. She was more than just that dance.

When she reached them she let out a long breath of relief and smiled. She glowed with the exercise of dancing. Sweat beaded along her collarbones, shimmered between her breasts. Her eyes were bright as Cortana’s blade, strapped to her back.

“Bloody hell,” Matthew exclaimed.  “What was that?”

A look of uncertainty crossed Cordelia’s face. James said, “It was a fairy tale, Math,” and Matthew nodded. His dark green eyes searched Cordelia’s face, as if looking for the key to a locked room he had only just discovered.

Cordelia looked uncertain. James couldn’t bear that. She’d been magnificent; she should know it. But he couldn’t say that, of course. It would only make her self-conscious.

“Well done, Cordelia,” James said instead; when he unfolded his arms; his wrist hurt and he wondered if he’d been clenching his hands.

Cordelia. He hadn’t called her Daisy, and she looked a little surprised. It seemed inappropriate, somehow. Daisy was Lucie’s friend, the Merry Thieves’ compatriot; he found it a smaller name than she deserved. Cordelia, though—she had been a queen, hadn’t she? Queen Cordelia, daughter of Leir, ruler of Britain before the Romans had ever landed on those shores. Like Boadicea, a legendary warrior queen. A blazing white fire behind fathomless black eyes.

“Anna has disappeared with Hypatia,” James said, noting the empty settee, “so I would call your distraction a success.”

Cordelia’s lips twitched into a smile. “How long does a seduction usually last?”

“Depends if you do it properly,” Matthew said, with a wink. James felt it as a spark of relief, a bit of lightness amid the feeling that something heavy was sitting on his chest.

“Well, I hope for Hypatia’s sake Anna does it properly,” James said. He registered, with the reflexes of a parabatai, that Matthew had gone still next to him, and wondered what was wrong. “Yet for our sake, I hope she hurries it up.”

All hint of Matthew’s jocular tone from before was gone. “Both of you,” he said urgently. “Listen.”

Did he mean all the muttering about Shadowhunters? Was he only noticing it now? It had followed them since they came into the place. But when James followed Matthew’s gaze, he found Kellington staring with an expression of vexation, not at them but at the door. All questions were answered as through the door came Charles Fairchild, looking around him with a haughty expression. He looked like was about to raid the place; so much for whatever work Matthew and Anna had done for Downworlder-Shadowhunter relations here.

Matthew narrowed his eyes. “Charles,” he sighed. “By the Angel, what is he doing here?”

Charles was, James thought, probably looking for them. He was making his way through the crowd and gazing around him. Luckily for them, the crowd was not interested in letting him through, and he was moving very slowly.

“We should go,” James said. “But we can’t leave Anna.”

In one way, at least, Charles’s arrival was helpful; it threw a bucket of cold water on the roiling heat that had gripped James’s heart since Cordelia had begun her dance. Back to the matter at hand: a demon, a Pyxis, a plan.

“You two run and hide yourselves,” Matthew said, still keeping his eyes on his brother. “Charles will go off his head if he sees you here.”

“But what about you?” said Cordelia.

Matthew shrugged, but James could see the tension in his jaw and his shoulders. “He’s used to this kind of thing from me. I’ll deal with Charles.”

Not for the first time, James wished that his parabatai wasn’t in such a hurry to sacrifice his own reputation. He exchanged a long look with Matthew, but Matthew was sure, and determined, and his desire to rush into his own humiliation was an issue that would have to wait. Nodding, he turned and caught Cordelia’s hand with his own. “This way,” he said, and she nodded back in acknowledgement. As he pulled them into the crowd he heard Matthew’s voice calling, “Charles!” in a hearty tone of pleasant, if entirely false, welcome.

James didn’t know his way around the place, and the crowd made orientating himself even more difficult, but after some trial and error he and Cordelia managed to get behind Kellington and slip into a corridor leading away. This wasn’t safe in itself, since from the main chamber one would have a clear view down the entire corridor. In fact, they were temporarily more exposed than before, and James’s hope for the hallway to take a quick turn or to contain large statuary to hide behind was quickly dashed. He continued to hold onto Cordelia’s hand, not that he needed to; she seemed to know her way better than he did.

Partway down the corridor, James caught sight of an open door — its silver plaque labeling it the entrance to THE WHISPERING ROOM. Swiftly he drew Cordelia inside, out of sight. He slammed the door behind them, causing a loud noise, but he thought it couldn’t possibly be heard over the crowd in the main chamber. Only then did he release Cordelia’s hand and take stock of their surroundings.

The room was dimly lit, but not cold: a scented fire burned in the grate, filling the space with the smell of sandalwood and roses. It was a study, he guessed, based on the gigantic walnut desk against the wall and the bookshelves opposite, but it was too richly decorated to be solely a place for studious contemplation. Phoenix feathers and dragon scales danced across the gilded wallpaper; there were no windows, but the walls were hung with patterned tapestries, the floor covered with a rug so thick James felt his boots sink into it as he moved further into the room.

Cordelia had leaned her back against the wall next to the door. Her eyes were closed and she was taking deep, full breaths, calming herself down. Cortana gleamed gold over her shoulder; the firelight gleamed a deeper gold on her skin, which seemed to take and hold its warmth. James curled his fingers in against his palm.

He wanted to touch her. He half-turned away, pretending to study the books on the wall. Any other time, he would have been fascinated by the titles. Now they seemed distant, neither immediate nor imporant. He could have sworn he heard his own heart hammering. He said, “Where did you learn to dance like that?” surprising himself with the roughness of his own voice.

His gaze snapped back to Cordelia as she opened her eyes and gave a little shrug. There was something magical about the dress she wore: it followed the shape of her own body rather than the shape of corsetry or whalebone petticoats. It slid softly against her skin as she moved, just as her dark red hair tickled the bare skin of her throat, her shoulders. “I had a dance instructor in Paris. My mother believed that learning to dance aided in learning grace in battle.”

The word grace pierced James like an icicle. He could not quite picture Grace at the moment, it was true; could not quite envision her face. He had given Grace his heart — that was an immutable fact, something he knew as he knew that two plus two equaled four. But he had to admit that at the moment his heart did not feel given. It felt like a thrumming machine inside his chest, pumping blood and heat.

“That dance,” Cordelia added with a quirk of her soft mouth that struck James like a blow to the stomach, “was forbidden to be taught to unmarried ladies. But my dance instructor did not care.”

“Well,” James said, keeping his voice steady with practiced control, “thank the Angel you were there. Matthew and I could certainly not have pulled off that dance on our own.”

Cordelia turned away from him, the smile still on her face, as though she were keeping it secret from him. She trailed her hand along the top of Hypatia’s desk. At one end was a stack of papers held down by a large copper bowl of fruit, and she brought her hand up to trace its rim.

James may have been distracted beyond the capacity for distraction he’d known before, but he was still a Shadowhunter. “Be careful,” he said warningly. “I suspect that is faerie fruit. It has no effect on warlocks—no magical effect, at least. But on humans…”

Cordelia pulled her hand back as though stung. “Surely it does not harm you if you do not eat it.”

“Oh, it does not. But I have met those who have tasted it. The say the more you have of it, the more you want, and the more you ache when you can…have no more.”

Cordelia was looking at him now, and though it took a great summoning of courage, he returned her gaze. In her dark eyes the silver and blue flames of the fireplace danced. James could not catch his breath. He had never felt this before, this breathlessness. It was like pain, but with a sweet, sharp edge. Like licking honey from a knife. He said, in a low voice, “And yet. I have always thought…is not knowing what it tastes like just another form of torture? The torture of wondering?”

The door shook on his hinges suddenly, making a clatter that made both he and Cordelia jerk their heads around to look at it. The knob was starting to turn.

Cordelia paled. “We’re not meant to be in here —“

James’s world closed down to just this: Cordelia was here, she was with him, and she looked frightened. He would do anything to stop that look on her face. He caught her in his arms, and the relief was incredible — he had not realized how much he wanted to be touching her until he was. Until he was holding her, and her strength and warmth and softness were all pressed against him, and her face was so beautiful it hurt, and her lips were parted in surprise and without another thought he kissed them.

He could feel her sharp intake of breath with his hands, clasped together at her lower back. She gasped, but did not draw back, or away — he thought he would have died if she had — she leaned into him, her full lips opening under his. She was kissing him back. He tasted honey, smelled jasmine and smoke. His hand slid up her warm cheek and into the soft fall of her hair.

Time stopped.

Cordelia’s arms were around his neck. Her lush mouth opened a little against his, and the kiss deepened. He moved his hand to the back of her neck to bring her closer. Her teeth grazed his lower lip, and he couldn’t help it; he moaned, and felt her tremble against him.

Very far away, a voice chuckled and the door closed with a soft click. This whole thing had been intended as a ruse, he knew, for the benefit of whomever was trying to get into the Whispering Room. Probably some Ruelle attendees, Downworlders most likely, who had snuck off for a rendez-vous.

Ruse accomplished, then. With intense regret, James drew back from Cordelia. Her hand, warm and soft and wonderful, was against his neck; her fingers stroked his pale white scar. Her eyes were fixed at the level of his shoulder. He could hear himself say her name — Daisy, my Daisy — instead of responding, she whispered, “I think more people are coming.”

He knew it wasn’t true. He didn’t care. He knew what she was saying: that she was asking and giving permission at once. All James’ life, he had struggled for control: control over his sudden falls into shadow, control over the dark world he could see, that was invisible to everyone else. He had worked and fought and trained for control every day, and for the first time in as long as he could remember it deserted him.

The walls he had put up burned to the ground in an instant as he caught Cordelia to him. He groaned against her mouth, his hands slipping over the silk of her dress, the hot satin of her skin. He undid the strap that held Cortana, got rid of it somehow — carefully, he hoped — and let himself fall back into delirium.

He did not ask himself why he had never felt desire like this before. He could not. He was lost in the feel of her, the incline of her waist, the flare of her hips, the rise and fall of her chest as she gasped. They were kissing wildly, uncontrolled; they fetched up against the desk, Cordelia’s back to it.

Her body bent backward in an impossible arch, her hands going behind her to brace herself. Her eyes half-closed, her head fell back, revealing the bare column of her throat. He pressed his lips there, eliciting a gasp of surprised pleasure.

His hands trailed up the sleek material of her dress — he could feel the heat of her skin through it — from her waist to the neckline of her gown. His palms followed her curves until the tips of his fingers were pressing into the bare bronze skin just above the neckline of her dress. She was sleek and soft and hot all at the same time, like nothing else he’d ever touched. He heard her whimper; she was saying his name, and his heart beat in time with her words: James, James, Jamie please.

The please undid him; shrugging off his frock coat, he caught hold of her around the waist, lifting her until she was perched on the edge of the desk. The material of her dress bunched around her knees, her thighs, as she took hold of his shirt by the starched front and kissed him. His mouth drove against hers, hot and demanding, even as he clambered onto the desk after her. She reached up her arms for him and he sank down on top of her, bracing his weight with a hand above her head.

He paused, just for a moment, looking down at her. Her scarlet hair fanned out across the desk, her eyes glazed, her full lips red from kissing. He was cradled by her body, her legs on either side of his hips, her skirt rucked up nearly to her waist. She wrapped her long, bare legs around him and he shuddered. What was in him, what he wanted, was inchoate but insistant, a force he’d never known. A yearning like hot wires in his blood, the pain-pleasurable ache of unbearable wanting that drove him to kiss her again, kiss her harder. She tangled her hands in his hair, pulling at it as he kissed her breasts, flicking his tongue over the sensitive skin until she gave a low scream and clutched at him with desperate hands.

He sank down against her and kissed her, hot and deep and hard. She arched into the kiss, her breath coming in gasps. He felt her through the thinner material of his shirt: the heat of her, the swell of her breasts against his chest, her hands smoothing over his chest, his sides.

His hands aching to touch her in kind, to find out what she liked, what made her gasp, and do it again and again . . . Nothing had ever felt like this, nothing. He’d known desire before; so he remembered, so he had believed. It turned out he had stepped into a puddle and thought it was the sea. As Cordelia moved in his arms, as her lips, he realized there was a depth to desire he hadn’t even guessed at: that it was more than just desperation, but joy and need and wanting and being wanted back. It was a fever dream, his hands sliding up under the heavy satin of her skirts, the salt-sweet taste of her skin, the soft sounds of her pleasure as she urged him closer, urged him onward, the desk seeming to spin beneath them.

He heard, as if at a great distance, the sound of the door opening. He lifted his head, saw the slim fair-hared figure in the doorway. Ice washed through his veins. Cordelia stiffened, began to scramble to sit up. No, he thought, but he couldn’t stop her, couldn’t blame her. It — whatever it had been — was over.

He slid off the desk. Already the fever was vanishing, that feeling —the glorious freedom from the burden of his own will — receding. Grasping at his control, he drew it around himself,  reaching for his coat, turning to calmly meet the gaze of his parabatai.

“James?” Matthew said.

[bluejayblueskies]

Please say more abt how Martin fits the closed off trait I'm begging 👁👁

Okay, so I got a bit carried away with this and it got quite lengthy....

I've put a TLDR above the cut and the details, transcripts, and general discussion below the cut!

.

TLDR: Martin is at his core a closed-off character who keeps his vulnerable feelings hidden and close to his chest. He instead focuses on caring for others and considering their feelings above his own, particularly in the case of Jon, who he cares for (sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice) throughout the podcast. His arc with the Lonely in season four and his interactions with Jon in season five demonstrate this lack of emotional vulnerability, and it's really only during the moments he spends by himself that we get significant insight into Martin's emotional state and inner thoughts.

.

Martin, to me, is a character who is very used to hiding how he feels. He tends to care for others at the expense of himself, has low self-esteem, and has a predilection towards the Lonely, all of which go hand-in-hand with somebody who is very used to hiding their emotions--particularly the negative ones--because they either think they're not important or that they're inconvenient and inappropriate for the situation. On a textual level, that's probably due to growing up with a sick (and likely unsupportive) mother who he had to take care of, where there was 'no time' for his emotions to get in the way or for him to prioritize himself in any way, shape, or form.

Martin is self-destructive, dislikes moments of emotional vulnerability, and (I would argue) genuinely struggles when he doesn't have somebody else to prioritize over himself. (His mother at first, but as the series goes on, Jon settles comfortably into this role for him.) Additionally, the biggest way that we, the audience, know anything about Martin's emotional state is when he's alone and self-reflecting (such as in MAG 170 and 186 or when talking to the tapes) or when he's forced to talk about something vulnerable (such as when Jon confronted him about his CV).

We don't get much insight into Martin's character between seasons one and three (at least not as much as we get in four and five), but I find myself drawn to this bit in MAG 118, when Martin is talking to Elias:

MARTIN

So what? I don’t get to be angry? I don’t get to burn things? Just, just run around, making tea, while everyone else gets to actually have feelings?

I think two things are important to note here. The first is that Elias is surprised (or least intrigued) that Martin is acting in this way--specifically, acting on his emotions in such a dramatic way. (And given that Martin is doing this as a distraction, rather than actually acting out because of his own emotions, maybe he's right to be surprised.) The second is that this line very much implies that Martin doesn't talk about how he's feeling, not like 'everyone else' does. He doesn't talk about it, doesn't act on it--just 'runs around, making tea.' And when Melanie comes back in after Elias is done, Martin immediately focuses on the plan and whether it succeeded, ignoring Melanie when she asks if he's okay or not. He closes himself off, and as far as we know, doesn't talk about it at all after that.

And then Jon goes into his coma, and we reach season four.

Martin is incredibly closed-off during season four. He's self-isolating, self-sacrificial, and approaching a state of genuine emotional numbness by the time he's cast into the Lonely. There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm going to focus on a few main things, many of which can be drawn from this bit in MAG 158:

MARTIN

It’s not him! It’s not anybody. It’s just me. Always has been. I…

When I first came to you, I thought I had lost everything. Jon was dead, my mother was dead, the job I had put everything into trapped me into spreading evil and I… I really didn’t care what happened to me. I told myself I was trying to protect the others, but… honestly we didn’t even like each other. Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.

And then… Jon came back, and… and suddenly I had a reason I had to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away, so what? I’d already grieved for him. And if it meant now saving him, it was worth it.

When you started talking about the Extinction, though… you had me actually, then, for a while. But then – (laughs sardonically) then, you tried to make me the hero. Tried to sell me on the idea that I was the only one who could stop it. And that I’ve never sat right with me. I mean, I mean, look – look at me, I’m not exactly a – a chosen one. But by then I was in too deep. So I played along. Waited to see what your end game was, and here we are.

Funny. Looks like I was right the first time. It’s probably still a good way to get killed?

This monologue is a big insight into Martin's thought process during this season, and I'm mostly going to focus on two parts: the self-sacrifice and the prioritization of Jon.

Self-sacrifice

There's quite a bit of discussion about Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies, but less so about Martin's, both in this season and in season five. In my opinion, Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies originate from (among other things) survivor's guilt from his traumatic childhood experience with Mr. Spider, his increasing belief that he's less than human, and the fact that he prioritizes the lives of others over his own. Martin's self-sacrificial tendencies, while very similar, come from the fact that he thinks he only has worth if he can help and care for someone else and the fact that he doesn't think he's important enough to live. (For example, he says in MAG 158 that he's 'not exactly a chosen one' and says in MAG 198 that he's 'not important enough to kill.')

It's a subtle difference between these two things, and I would argue that while Jon's tendencies are more rooted in the 'help' (ie, 'I want to help other people and I will sacrifice myself to do it'), Martin's tendencies are more rooted in the 'hurt' (ie, 'I will sacrifice myself and other people will be helped in the process'). There is, of course, overlap, and it's not a black-and-white distinction between the two, but ultimately, I think Martin is so used to prioritizing others' emotions and needs above his own that when he's left mostly alone as he is at the end of season three, with the only person left to hold onto being in a coma (possibly forever), he falls back into the same patterns of self-destruction and closed-offness, only without the 'help' to go along with the 'hurt' because there is nobody left to help (especially after his mother dies). Ultimately, he joins up with Peter because he thinks it 'would be a good way to get killed.'

Prioritization of Jon

But then Jon wakes up from his coma, and now Martin has justification for his self-sacrifice again, because he can protect Jon by continuing to work with Peter!

... Maybe.

Jon isn't harmed by Peter during season four, sure, but he does climb into the coffin and visits Ny-Ålesund and is tracked down by Julia and Trevor and struggles emotionally and morally with his own humanity and is hurt, in a way, by the distance Martin puts between them. And I hesitate to place blame for the apocalypse on anybody but Jonah, but if we're going to argue in-canon that Jon was responsible for the apocalypse (he wasn't, but that's not the point of this post), then Martin contributed to that blame and responsibility because it was his actions and decisions that ultimately drew Jon into the Lonely and resulted in him getting the 14th and final mark. (Again, I don't think Jon or Martin are at fault for the apocalypse, but if we were to blame Jon, we could blame Martin as well.) It was only after getting that mark that Jonah was able to use Jon to end the world, something that was hugely hurtful for Jon. So did Martin really protect Jon at all by staying away from him and continuing to work with Peter? Or was that just a convenient excuse to keep self-destructing?

Jon and Martin, in my opinion, had very similar arcs in season four. Martin was sinking further into the Lonely and Jon was sinking further into the Eye. We hear a lot more about Jon's emotional struggle with this given that he's the POV character, sure, but Jon also talks about this with other people. He talks about it to Helen (MAG 152):

JON

…

When does it stop?

HELEN

(impatient) What?

JON

The guilt. The misery. All the others I’ve met, they’ve been – cold, cruel. They’ve enjoyed what they do. When does the Eye (inhale) make me monstrous?

And to Daisy (MAG 136):

JON

My – (large sigh) My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I – I don’t know if I made the right decision; I’m stronger now, tougher, I can – (he cuts himself off) If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever? I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe – stop that happening, and the only danger is to me, I – I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster.

But all we really get from Martin are the things he tells the tapes when he's alone and the monologue he gives in MAG 158. It makes sense that he wouldn't be as open, yes, given the nature of the Lonely, but I can't help but think of (MAG 154):

JON

The Lonely’s really got you, hasn’t it?

MARTIN

(no hesitation) You know, I think it always did.

Jon was always curious and hungry for knowledge; the Eye amplified it. Martin was always closed-off and isolated; the Lonely amplified that as well.

But then Jon pulls Martin out of the Lonely, they flee to the safehouse, and three weeks later, the apocalypse begins. Martin isn't as consumed by the Lonely as he was in season four, he's with Jon--the person he loves--for extended periods of time, and they're in an extremely stressful situation that's sure to be incredibly emotionally charged. There's a lot to be said about Jon's emotional vulnerability during season five and how Martin both pressures him for it and rejects it in different ways, but for the purposes of this post, I won't go too far into detail about the motivations behind how Jon is feeling and acting.

I will say, however, that in season five, Martin still continues to place a lot of focus on asking Jon how he's feeling, encouraging (or pressuring) him to share, and getting frustrated when Jon can't or doesn't (MAG 167):

MARTIN

Okay, so how exactly would you describe your current emotional state regarding all of this?

JON

I –

MARTIN

(overlapping) Go on, I’m all ears.

JON

I feel…

MARTIN

(go on) Mhm.

JON

(sigh) I feel… sad.

[Brief pause.] MARTIN

(flat) Sad.

JON

Very sad.

MARTIN

(*very* flat) Very sad.

[He sighs slightly as he says it. Their bags jangle.]

A few moments prior to this, Martin expresses displeasure that Jon is Knowing things about him, specifically pointing out his emotions (MAG 167):

MARTIN

It’s just – it’s weird knowing that you can know literally everything I think and feel. E-Especially since you’re not exactly the most open of people – emotionally, I mean.

I think Martin is making an effort to open up more to Jon. But I still think it's difficult for him to talk about how he feels so openly, and while he is completely in the right for not wanting Jon to Know things about him without his permission, I think it's interesting that the focus is on his feelings and that he brings up how Jon isn't emotionally open immediately after. It scares Martin to think that Jon could know, at any given moment, how he's feeling, and I think it's partially because he's not used to that level of vulnerability. He turns the focus on Jon, away from himself, and doesn't really make an effort to talk about how he's feeling about all of this, instead prioritizing Jon's feelings and mental state like he's grown comfortable with.

And when Martin bottles up his emotions--of which there are a lot, in such a stressful environment, they can explode out in hurtful ways:

MARTIN

(overlapping) I know! I know, okay, I just – (bracing exhale) Look, I j,just – don’t want to get burned, all right? It’s, it’s like my least favorite pain ever.

JON

Is that – a joke?

MARTIN

(a bit faster, a bit shaky) No, no, okay? I, I legitimately hate burns, alright? They’re, they’re awful, and they scar horribly, and they just – it – it just makes me sick; I, I hate it. Hate it!

I don't think Martin really thought about what he was saying when he told Jon, who has a large burn scar on his hand, that burn scars make him sick, and I don't think he meant it maliciously. But he'd spent the greater portion of the conversation talking around the fact that he didn't like burns and that was why he didn't want to go into the building, and so when it finally ended up coming out, it did so in an explosion of emotion rather than a conscious decision to share. Martin doesn't have a good handle on his emotions, and he doesn't have a good handle on sharing them.

(Is it too much for me to say that Martin was more emotionally vulnerable with himself in MAG 170 than he was with Jon when Jon finally found him?)

Throughout season five, Martin asks Jon questions, he expresses frustrations with Jon, he shows discomfort or fear at times, but for as much as Martin feels frustrated that Jon isn't talking about how he feels about their situation, Martin really isn't doing so either. The most he talks about his feelings is in MAG 170 and MAG 186, when he's by himself, and I remember MAG 186 in particular because before that, we really didn't know what Martin was thinking about for the majority of the season! And in this episode, we find out a lot of very important things about Martin's character. Like (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Look, I know what you know. Maybe I’m just a bit more… open about it.

Also-Martin acknowledges that Martin often doesn't say what he means and hides what he really feels, telling him that it's 'hard to be vulnerable,' and Martin is initially very resistant to the idea. And then, when Also-Martin suggests that Martin wants to stay so that he can be 'quietly sad,' we get (MAG 186):

MARTIN

We could talk to Jon about it.

ALSO MARTIN

We could. But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right?

MARTIN

There’s nothing wrong with comforting people.

ALSO MARTIN

A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster. At worst… a muzzle.

This is very interesting to me, because for all that Martin tries to help other people, he also believes that comfort doesn't always help and that you can't be your loved one's 'therapist.' I think this gives a lot of insight into why Martin doesn't share his emotions with the people he cares about, especially Jon; he doesn't want to put Jon in the position where he'll become his 'therapist,' and he doesn't necessarily think Jon can help. So instead, Martin just chooses not to be vulnerable at all, because he doesn't want to burden the people he cares about. But, when it's just him (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Don’t lie. You don’t need to. Not here. It’s just us.

He doesn't feel like he needs to pull his emotional punches. He can't accidentally hurt somebody or put them in an awkward position; it's just himself. But what's said to himself remains with himself, and (at least on tape), he doesn't discuss any of this with Jon. Not even the bit about, if it came down to it, Martin would have rather had Jon smite him than continue to rule over a domain. He goes right back to being closed-off around Jon, but now we, the audience, know what lies underneath, and how little of it reaches the surface.

In fact, the thing Martin's probably most vocal about is how Jon's feelings about himself bother him (MAG 199):

MARTIN

I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? I try, but I can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you.

And it… It hurts to know you can.

And I think he has a tendency to use anger and frustration to cover up hurt, shying away from the admission that something Jon's done has hurt him (an incredibly vulnerable thing) and instead relying on the less-vulnerable and more external anger to cover it. This is more speculation than true analysis, but I think that's a lot of what's happening in MAG 200, when he discovers that Jon has already assumed the position of the pupil and has, in Martin's eyes, broken his promise.

.

TLDR: Martin is at his core a closed-off character who keeps his vulnerable feelings hidden and close to his chest. He instead focuses on caring for others and considering their feelings above his own, particularly in the case of Jon, who he cares for (sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice) throughout the podcast. His arc with the Lonely in season four and his interactions with Jon in season five demonstrate this lack of emotional vulnerability, and it's really only during the moments he spends by himself that we get significant insight into Martin's emotional state and inner thoughts.

[dathen]

Okay I have some complicated thoughts following Melanie’s arc that all build on top of each other and hinge HEAVILY on unreliable narrator interpretations so bear with me

In my relisten I’m at the beginning of s3, and it always shocks me a bit at how quickly she interprets Martin’s interaction with her as hostile.  I’m going to skip over the “it’s understandable, Melanie’s had a hard time in her career” disclaimers since there’s plenty of meta on that already, and instead follow the effects of this tendency: not on others, this time, but on her

(This got absurdly long and covers so many episodes so I’m going to split it into separate pre- and post-bullet surgery posts)

Rewinding a bit, the last time she was at the Institute, she was starting to get along with Jon before he seemed confused about her comment on “the other Sasha.”  It takes her a split second to interpret that confusion as him suddenly deciding to gaslight and mock her, gets angry and tells him there is something seriously wrong with him, and leaves before he can ask what she means.  Given how tenuous their truce was and the fact she and Jon had mocked each other in the past, it’s an outburst that at least has some personal history behind it.

But only a couple episodes later, we learn that it’s not just Jon she responds to in this way.  In TMA 84, she meets our Martin Blackwood!  Customer service voice opposite-of-Jon politeness extraordinaire!  And as soon as he gets confused about the two Sasha comment, she.......immediately assumes that HE is also trying to gaslight her.  She insists that “I’m not doing this again” without giving him a chance to ask or explain, so they miss the opportunity to piece together the deal with the Not!Sasha.  Her doing this with someone she just met shows a much broader pattern than her interactions with Jon.

That very episode, Elias offers Melanie a job, and she accepts despite Martin’s protests.  Later, she accuses them all of them being an “old boy’s club” because she interpreted Martin’s warnings as sexism rather than trying to protect her.  As the audience, we see the unreliable narrator of her perspective at work: we know that Jon and Martin were genuinely confused, and we know that Martin was trying to save her, and that all of these instances were her seeing it as people being out to get her.

Hop forward to the notorious gossip scene in TMA 106.  Here, Melanie complains about Martin being hostile to her.  My first assumption was that this was all offscreen, but after this parade of misinterpretation and comparing to her and Martin’s actual interactions, I have to wonder:

TMA 84, after Martin tells Melanie about the murder, and right before Elias interrupts:

Martin:  Are you sure you’re alright?

Melanie:  Yes!  I just got… God, I’m kind of at the end, you know?

Martin:  The end of what?

Melanie:   Everything.  Friends, clues, savings. Everything.  Options.  There’s nowhere left for me to go . I don’t know why, but…  I just, I just felt that perhaps coming here might help.  And talking things out with Jon.  I mean, I mean he’s awful, but at least he listens, you know?

Martin:   (soft) Yeah.  ...I’m sorry.  Um, is there anything that I could, like, maybe...do for you?

They get interrupted immediately after this, so this was the first impression Melanie was given.  Then, when Elias offers the job, she...assumes Martin’s “I don’t think that’s a good idea” is from sexism, when he’d just been talking about murders and disappearances that caused that very job opening.

TMA 88 

Melanie:   Are you alright?

Martin:  Yeah… Sorry, just a lot of change recently, y’know.  You and John and Sasha and… everything’s gone a bit wrong.  It’s the not knowing, you know?  I mean, Jon’s still alive.  Not sure why, but I’m sure of that.  But Sasha, I…

Melanie:   Yes, it’s… it’s probably, um…

Martin:   Sorry, sorry, I’m...  What do you need?

Next interaction!  Oh this one HURTS.  Martin takes her question literally, and starts telling her why she’s not alright, a reverse of their earlier exchange.  But Melanie came by for a question and wasn’t prepared for an honest answer, so Martin quickly reels it in and asks what he can do for her once again.

Skipping forward a bit in that same scene:

Martin:   Oh, you weren’t here when we took the place over from Gertrude!  It’s been over a year just to get it like this.  I mean, I think the database was on Jon’s list, but--

Melanie:  So how do you track someone down?

Martin:   Oh, oh well, y’know, we’ve a few contacts in various record offices around the place.  Aside from that it’s just… just a bit of detective work, really.  Tim used to do a great line in impersonating people to utility companies!  Heh, the number of times he got them to give him ‘his own’ address--

Melanie:  Right, right… Um, this one, the name is 'Jude Perry.’ Doesn’t mean anything to you, does it?

I LOVE THIS EXCHANGE.  I TREASURE IT.  Having bottled up his emotions, Martin is going in full Friendly Helpful Coworker mode.  There are so many little details here signaling that he’s embracing her as part of the team, sharing anecdotes about Tim’s shenanigans and Jon’s old plans, looping her in as One of Them as he helps her get what she needs.  This is the kind of approach you go to management trainings to get, to help new hires feel welcome and part of things.  But alas, Melanie is in a hurry and wants to cut to the chase, so all this is lost on her.

TMA 98 - I won’t copy it all in here because it’s long, but this is an overwhelmingly positive interaction.  She asks if he’s okay, but he bottles it up and says he’s fine.  This time, she presses, and he admits it’s because of the statements.  Martin ends up asking for help!! and Melanie agrees!  She’s on the way to murder Elias, but she still gets credit for “I’ll ask him to cut you some slack.”  Then she invites him to drinks!

And then.... TMA 106

Melanie:   Anyway, Martin’s always been lovely to you.

Basira:  Hmm. I don’t know, I mean, you should have seen him when I turned up last year. I think he thought I was trying to steal his precious Archivist.

Melanie:   Ahhh. I got the exact same when Jon was hiding out, and came to me with his “source on the inside” stuff.  Martin was not impressed.

WAIT WHAT

We just looked over all their interactions!  They were all soft and lovely and welcoming!!  But then we hear Melanie with “well unlike how he is to me, Martin is nice to you.”  This was taken at face value for years, but when you line up all of the above, I feel there is a strong basis to say this is another case of Melanie’s first impressions + over-defensiveness gone wrong.  Just like we saw her initial bickerings with Jon solidify into series-long hostility, her interpreting Martin’s confusion as gaslighting and warnings about the job as sexism seems to have doomed her opinion of him long-term.  We hear Martin being kind and concerned and welcoming, then hear Melanie contrast it as bad treatment.

Recently, a mutual considered this even further to how she talked about losing all of her friends with the Ghost Hunt UK circles:

Melanie:  Even back then, I could feel all my old friends starting to distance themselves from me. ...  I stopped asking the others for help, and I kept my research to myself. I talked to them less and less. By the time I was arrested, I think a lot of them had already given up on me.

I have to wonder...did this sort of dynamic play out here, too?  Did she assume that her friends’ concern was judgment or hostility?  Were they giving up on her, or did she lash out and push them away?  Either way, it’s easy to see parallels to s2 Jon in her description, here, with her withdrawing and diving alone into increasingly risky research without asking for help.  And s2 Jon definitely shared Melanie’s tendency to see offers for help and support as hostile.  (Aside:  I interpret her and Georgie as not very close at this point, like a networking contact rather than a friend; Melanie comes to Jon for someone to talk to about her struggles above her, and Georgie seems to be unaware of all of Melanie’s encounters pre-s3)

And on that downer note I am ending part 1...but PART 2 IS GOING TO BE WAY HAPPIER THAN THIS.  Here, we see Melanie with a lot of people who would have supported her if she let them:  Martin, Jon, possibly the friends she said abandoned her.  But in her effort to protect herself and not let history repeat for how she’d been hurt in the past, she ends up alone and spiraling.

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

IOTA Reviews: Crocoduel

When you stop and think about it, this episode is really just the world's most intense custody battle.

Let's get into the thirteenth (chronologically the twelfth) episode of Miraculous Ladybug's fourth season: Crocoduel

We start off with the band Kitty Section (composed of Luka, his timid sister Juleka, her “best friend” Rose, and Ivan) performing a concert for the super amazing Zoe and all the peons beneath her greatness (Alya, Alix, Nino, and Mylene). Luka notes its been a while since Marinette came to the Liberty. Because I guess even the show wants to forget the events of “Sole Crusher”.

Luka is still upset that Marinette hasn't wanted to be around him since their breakup, so after he walks away, the others scheme to force them to spend time together.

Yep, even though they promised to back off in “Gang of Secrets”, Marinette's friends are once again trying to meddle in Marinette's personal life as well as Luka's this time. Because it's not like they can understand how hard it is for two exes to remain friends after a breakup and give them their space, right? They plan to invite Marinette to Luka and Juleka's birthday party while reminding the audience that they're twins.

YES. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TWINS. ASTRUC HAS NEVER SAID OTHERWISE OR CONTRADICTED THIS STATEMENT IN THE PAST.

LUKA WAS NEVER TWO YEARS OLDER THAN JULEKA, JUST LIKE THERE WAS NEVER A WAR IN BA SING SE.

In all seriousness, I do feel like I was a little hard on Astruc for this. Compared to other things he's made canon on Twitter, this is fairly minor, and we only knew Luka was the older brother at first through a tweet. And considering the other retcon we'll see in the very next scene, this isn't as big of a deal as I made it initially.

Alya invites Marinette to the party, but she easily deduces that it's a trap. Alya then tries to convince Marinette to talk to Luka.

Uh... since when? When did Marinette lose all romantic feelings for Luka? The whole point of the breakup in “Truth” was to show that she couldn't pursue a romantic relationship with Luka because of her duties as Ladybug. She never showed any signs of not loving him, which made the breakup all the more tragic. Yeah, “Mr. Pigeon 72” was an excuse for her to go back to loving Adrien because the writers don't know how to write anything else, but it didn't mean she stopped loving Luka. You know, it's almost like the writers want to make sure the audience knows Lukanette will never happen and the sacred Love Square is the only way Marinette will ever feel love for someone else.

Alya still forces Marinette to go, making her ask Juleka if Luka won't be there. Some people have gone down on Marinette for this, but she does later acknowledge how wrong this was to ask, and apologizes to Juleka for trying to force her to do something she didn't want to do. If only Marinette's friends learned the same lesson.

Juleka goes to tell Luka about the party, but hesitates to tell Luka he can't go there. While he knows Juleka is hiding something, Luka is distracted by the sudden arrival of his father who he loves despite abandoning him for his entire life, Jagged Stone. However, Luka and Juleka's mother, the anarchy-loving Anarka isn't happy that much like his sperm when the condom broke, Jagged came in without her permission.

At the day of the party, Marinette panics as soon as she sees Luka, who in turn realizes she didn't want to see him. Rather than comfort Juleka who just ran away crying, the others comfort Luka, preventing him from being akumatized by Shadowmoth, though he still keeps his Akuma around just to be safe. Marinette apologizes to Juleka before Shadowmoth can akumatize her too (even though she got a Magical Charm in “Guiltrip” so it wouldn't work either way). Then Shadowmoth tries to akumatize one of the guests as they find out Jagged (who just arrived) is Luka's father, but since they're dumb teenagers who don't know Jagged was winning awards and being celebrated as a rock icon while Anarka was working two jobs and struggling to make enough money for rent, they think it's awesome. Very confusing day for Shadowmoth, isn't it?

Marinette also finds out Jagged is Juleka's father and finds out Juleka worries Jagged loves Luka more since they share more interests, which she thinks is true when Jagged gives Luka a guitar case and instructs her to not tell his sister. Marinette tries to call out Jagged for neglecting Juleka over Luka even though Jagged was more of a father to his pet crocodile than either of his biological children, but it's obviously a gift for Juleka, the first bass guitar Jagged ever owned, which calms her down. Funny how nobody acknowledges how Jagged practically abandoned his family, isn't it? Sure, it looks like he's trying to make up for it, but he just acts like he's always been Luka and Juleka's dad and they don't have any problems with their father literally never being in their lives until now.

Jagged's gift to Luka is a record of the first record he made in his band with Anarka before they broke up, Crododuel, but Anarka is naturally pissed he wants to give that to Luka. Jagged and Anarka argue over which one was the Yoko Ono in their relationship while they both grab the record, which Shadowmoth uses to akumatize the two as it breaks, turning them back into Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock respectively, Shadowmoth labeling them as Crocoduel.

Unlike the other team Akumas like the Punishers or the Gang of Secrets, Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock care more about fighting each other than working together, and they see getting Ladybug and Cat Noir's Miraculous as a competition to help prove who was right in their argument. It's a pretty interesting gimmick, though I don't get how Shadowmoth thinks this will help him and not ignore Ladybug and Cat Noir while they fight.

Alya provides a distraction to help Marinette transform, and after we get Adrien's single scene to remind the audience he's still a main character, he transforms into Cat Noir. The two heroes give chase, but then Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock decide to take their fight to above the clouds.

Yeah, it's not like you have a form that specifically allows you two to fly, right?

All they had to say was that Marinette was still making more potions for that form, and it would have been better than ignoring the fact that they can fly.

Much like the hotel room during the night Luka and Juleka were conceived, the crossfire from Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock's fight starts to damage the area around them. Ladybug and Cat Noir get Luka and Juleka to safety, and Luka tells them about what's happening, while Ladybug spouts the lesson about people needing to talk even though they don't love each other anymore, reflecting the situation the writers retconned her into learning.

Ladybug summons her Lucky Charm, a roll of scotch tape, and comes up with an idea that involves Juleka. She takes her away into an alleyway and gives her the Tiger Miraculous. The tiger Kwami, Roarr, demands Juleka show some courage, so Juleka yells in her face. Unfortunately, as much as I want to show this scene, the subs I got don't really match up, so I can't really give some screenshots of it. So I guess you can watch this scene from Full Metal Jacket instead to get the gist of things.

So Juleka takes the Tiger Miraculous and transforms into Purple Tigress.

I think the suit has a pretty good design. I like the striped pattern with the gold highlights around the black stripes, and think the color scheme is visually pleasing, especially the hair. I wouldn't call it one of my favorite hero suits, but I still like the way it looks.

Cat Noir launches Ladybug and Purple Tigress into the air where they split up to steal both halves of the record, but when they break them, no Akuma comes out. It turns out that since the record was broken while Jagged and Anarka were akumatized, they need to put it together again before breaking it in order to free the Akuma.

Purple Tigresse goes to distract Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock with her power, Collision, which she uses to KNOCK CAPTAIN HARDROCK'S SHIP ABOVE THE CLOUDS, TAKING GUITAR VILLAIN WITH HER.

Why the hell did it take four seasons to break this Miraculous out if it gives the user the ability to go Super Saiyan on the enemy? I think Cat Noir's expression after seeing the power in action says it all.

Cat Noir Cataclysms the record (because a record is just so hard to break without using the power of destruction, isn't it?), Ladybug de-evilizes the Akuma, uses Miraculous Ladybug to fix everything, Jagged and Anarka somehow weren't killed by their own daughter, the three heroes pound it, and Ladybug gives two Magical Charms to Jagged and Anarka.

Back at the Liberty, Juleka tells the two to forget what caused them to break up and just apologize while they ignore the past, proving the writers really don't get how hard it is to move on from tough events in life. And despite building it up for the entire episode, Marinette and Luka talk in the final thirty seconds of the episode and just agree to be friends, meaning once again, Luka was sidelined in what should have been a focus episode for him.

Aside from the way Jagged and Anarka's relationship was portrayed coupled with the retcons surrounding Luka, this episode was alright in my opinion. Guitar Villain and Captain Hardrock are some of my favorite Akumas, so I thought it was nice to see them again, even if we didn't get to see their powers at full potential. I also thought this was a really good episode for Juleka, as I felt like the hero debut really helped her grow as a person and didn't just feel like she was given a Miraculous because the plot said so. She wanted to help her parents, and using the Tiger gave her the courage to symbolically speak out while potentially launching them into the stratosphere.

But the biggest problem to me has to be the way Jagged is portrayed in the episode. Just like with “Truth”, the idea of Jagged being a terrible parent is just swept under the rug and everyone just accepts the fact that Jagged is Luka and Juleka's dad very well. Despite the idea leading to some interesting drama in a show that's no stranger to family drama, they don't really do much with the whole “Jagged abandoning Anarka” thing. Aside from a brief interaction between Luka and Jagged while the former was akumatized into Truth, nobody is really angry at Jagged. Nobody really feels angry at Jagged for what he did, despite the drama being the main focus behind the episode that also had the Lukanette breakup. You would think this would at least lead to some tension between his family, but nothing really comes from it other than an argument that was pretty much played for laughs. But considering this show has a history of teaching kids to love their parents no matter how cruel they are to them, I'm not entirely surprised.

Overall, it's just a decent, albeit forgettable episode. If the writing with Jagged was different, it could have been a lot better in my opinion.

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x6 thoughts

I felt like the physical embodiment of a series of iconic reaction GIFs while watching this episode. I felt like Higgins gagging on air and right and wrong choices. As an invested, non-casual Ted Lasso viewer, I feel quite absorbed in the experience of every episode, but I’m not usually a LOUD non-casual Ted Lasso viewer. At one point last night, I shouted “This is the wackiest show ever made!” at @bristler, and that doesn’t even sound like something I would say. And by “wacky” I just meant “all the emotions are happening at once.”

This episode was absolutely great and I knew that every single Rebecca Welton feeling I have would intensify because of this episode and that is exactly what happened.

This is me bravely writing down my episode thoughts after only one viewing (just like last week) and a bad night of sleep! Copious spoilers and emotions ahead...

This show goes all in on hats! A lot of bad hats for giving bad relationship advice and making bad decisions! Feel like you’re gonna do something correctly? Just put on a bad hat, that’ll snap you right out of it. Just had a revelation that you are almost certainly in an abusive relationship? Your girlfriend is hiding in the parking lot with a terrible hat for you! (I love this show.)

Dark forest dark forest dark forest dark forest.

I truly, truly, truly do not mean this to sound judgmental of any other fan, but it’s taking everything in my power not to just type “dark forest” in the comments of every person who is outraged that LDN152 is not Ted.

Gonna get my initial thoughts on the Sam=LDN152 reveal out of the way. I honestly like this choice.

First, I like this choice because of who LDN152 isn’t. I think about how awful it would be if she’d matched with Rupert and realized she’d been manipulated by him and charmed by him all over again, and how, when she gets the same reveal the audience already has, she would end up retraumatized by having been charmed and taken in by Rupert all over again. I think about her matching with Nate (if he’d redownloaded the app) and the inadequacy of her assertiveness advice and how Nate is one of the only non-Rupert characters who’s used sexist language against her and how Nate’s insecurities would be like water trying to co-exist with the oil of Rebecca’s insecurities. Nate and Rebecca are fond of each other and seem to want to be in each other’s lives, but a romantic squishing together via dating app would set them both back lightyears. I think about her matching with Ted, a man currently on a parallel-to-Rebecca trek through a very painfully dark forest, a man swinging wildly between performative attempted wit and utter panic. A man she trusts with her professional and personal challenges. [Her challenging mother comes to town and Keeley and Ted are the people she wants with her at lunch.] Ted and Rebecca, with all their current limitations, and with all the ways the forest obscures the view, are trying to be there for each other in their real, non-romantic comedy versions of their lives, and the discomfort of matching on an app seems like the kind of thing that would make them rear back from each other instead of bringing them even closer together. It is not time. It is so profoundly not time that I would have been furious if the writers had continued the “maybe it’s Ted?” line of thought for another second longer than they did.

Second, I like this choice because of who Sam is. I know. He’s not an appropriate match for her. The power dynamics are all messed up and their ages are all wrong. But this does introduce a potentially interesting parallel between Rupert and his younger women and the scrutiny Rebecca would risk herself and Sam experiencing if she goes for it. Rebecca seems to have tried to put away her Rupert-related trauma, but the specter of Rupert is lurking, and I do see that being a good person making an ethically complicated decision with another good person is very different from being an abuser setting out to take advantage of multiple people...but there are parallels she might have to reckon with. Also, Sam is a kind person with a strong ethical center and a well-documented interest in Rebecca. He and Ted helped each other feel more at home in London during a time of deeply missing other homes, and Sam has internalized a lot of Ted’s ways of living in a way that might genuinely appeal to Rebecca even if she doesn’t fully realize why. The writers on this show don’t write messes for the sake of drama. They write messes because life is painful and complicated and also very funny. I’d be shocked if, however this Bantr thing plays out, it isn’t painful and complicated and also funny.

(I am already a little worried that whatever happens next is going to activate some very ironic fan reactions given this is a show whose thesis statement is about withholding judgment. This fear is based not on Ted Lasso-specific knowledge but on unfortunate patterns of fandom, but...you can fear the impact of racist, sexist, and ageist tropes on two beloved characters without embodying those tropes as a viewer. You can watch characters make decisions that could subject them to harmful scrutiny without performing that harm yourself.)

Ted Lasso is a fictional character who tweeted about the joy of eating out (you know...at the Crown and Anchor) the day before 2x6 launched and during 2x6 Rebecca invited him to eat out at the Crown and Anchor. (I love this show.) I am so, so, so fond of all the little lunch-y things in this episode. Ted can’t bring Henry his lunch because he’s “at work” aka living in London. Ted and Beard surprise each other with secret sandwiches on Fridays. Rebecca is overwhelmed by her mother’s visit (her mother’s performance of a harmful pattern) and wants Keeley and Ted there. The scene at the Crown and Anchor, as painful as all the divorce/separation feelings were, was also so homey and lovely in terms of these characters being friends, being at home in a place despite the very not-at-home feelings emanating from Deborah. The Bake-Off viewing! Ted being the designated driver (probably a good thing on this particular day)! Rebecca feeling discomfort but not shutting down! Also cute British pub feelings. Evidence that Rebecca has talked to her mom about Ted! About personal things about Ted!

Naaaaaaate. His bursts of confidence and insight. The pain and insecurity and anger almost literally bubbling under the surface.

I cannot say enough good things about Higgins. He’s grown so much, and his decision to be honest with Beard regarding his concerns about Jane was absolutely impeccably done. Many, many trusted people in Higgins’ life told him not to do it. They are all good people, and they were all wrong. Sometimes one human being’s honesty makes the difference for someone who is struggling, and that’s exactly what happened here. Beard truly heard Higgins. And of course he didn’t immediately break things off with Jane. But he heard Higgins, and when Jane showed up Beard’s face looked different than it ever has, and Higgins words are with him as he walks off into the night with Jane and that might save him. And Rebecca witnessed it.

And I’m so glad she witnessed Higgins’ choice in the midst of this very difficult experience of a) trying to find Ted because she knows he’s in pain and being unable to and b) watching her mother repeat a pattern that Rebecca herself was able to break. It taught me so much about Rebecca. The way she was punished (and described the experience using the language of punishment) for having an honest reaction to her mother’s decision to leave her father the first time. The way she was taught that love is conditional, that love and reconciliation are things you can purchase with gifts. The way her mother uses the language of self-help without internalizing what it would take to heal, and probably has little use for actual therapy. The way her mother drinks alcohol as a way to feel free.

I don’t even know how to think, much less write, about everything with Roy’s coaching and his image and how Ted feels about it and all the fatherhood things Jamie brings up and all the fatherhood things Ted is missing w/r/t Nate and everyone except for Rebecca taking at face value (or willfully deciding to take at face value) the idea that Ted’s panic attack is actually just him needing to go barf up a fish pie. Ted hugging his backpack in Sharon’s office. Rebecca trying to find him, and Sharon being the one who does. The words “I wanna make an appointment” being the words that conclude the episode at the exact midpoint of the planned-for show. Halfway through the middle season. The moment Ted realizes he’s never going to be okay if he doesn’t give therapy a try.

I also can’t say enough good things about the moment with the team and Sharon, the way she agrees to one drink, the way it’s clear that she adores them all. Sharon is exacting and professional without being cold and calculating, and everything she does in this episode is such a gorgeous model of assertiveness, patience, and moderation...three things Ted struggles with the most.

What a dark forest. What an excellent group of humans.

[the-widow-sisters]

Shamelessly

Summary: When Yelena begs Natasha to let her go to one of the cool kids meetings, she quickly realizes she made a huge mistake. She is bored out of her mind. Luckily, Natasha keeps her distracted with her gentle affection, but that quickly becomes quite embarrassing given their company.

Word Count: 2243

  “And that’s why we need to initiate this protocol. We have to try to improve our—”

  It was quickly becoming clear to Yelena that she never wanted to go to anything called a collaborative conference ever again. And if she ever forgot that lesson and wanted to go again, then she would specifically hire someone to slap her in the face and shake her out of her episode of insanity.

  Steve Rogers was a really nice guy, albeit a goody-two shoes, but he definitely could not hold the attention of any audience whatsoever. He was one of the most boring speakers that Yelena had ever heard, but she had to at least pretend that she was paying a little bit of attention to him, despite the fact that she did not care about anything he was saying at all.

  The only reason she was here was after begging Natasha to let her come so she could earn more favor from the group and hopefully more greatly secure her place with them and get them to officially initiate her on the team.

  Natasha was sitting next to her at the moment, her eyes on Steve. To most people, she was attentively hanging on his every word. However, Yelena could easily see that her sister was somewhat unfocused since it seemed that she was more just looking through him than at him. It was clear to Yelena that Natasha was as bored as her.

  So Yelena did what any self-respecting younger sister would do. She very surreptitiously pinched Natasha’s leg under the table in an attempt to simultaneously aggravate Natasha and get her attention. The redhead immediately turned her head to face Yelena, confusion and slight irritation in her gaze as she was drawn back into the real world outside of her own mind.

  Yelena just grinned a little, mouthing the word “boring” to her older sister with a bit of an eyeroll and a miming of a loud groan. Natasha immediately understood, sighing a bit and leaning nearer to the blonde while keeping her eyes on Steve carefully.

  “We’ve only got about five more minutes,” Natasha softly spoke, and Yelena’s eyes widened a little with surprise, joy from the prospect of getting out of the stuffy little room suddenly flooding through her.

  “Only five more minutes? That’s a blessing,” Yelena whispered, her words barely above a breath as she smiled with relief as her posture loosened significantly. Natasha smirked a tiny bit, and Yelena quickly lost her smile, knowing that her sister’s mirth was definitely not a good sign.

  “And then we have to give our input on the whole thing,” Natasha explained to her with a smug look in her eyes, and Yelena almost groaned aloud as she just looked at Natasha with something that could only be described as pure suffering.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Yelena quietly replied, and Natasha just flashed her an affectionate, slightly pitying smile.

  “You practically begged me to let you come, remember?” Natasha whispered to her, her mouth not far from Yelena’s ear. Yelena could easily hear her amusement despite the quietness of her voice. Yelena flashed her a halfhearted glare in response. Yelena could easily see that Natasha was enjoying this way too much and she was quickly starting to realize that her suffering in this meeting was becoming Natasha’s entertainment for the afternoon.

  “I didn’t know it was going to be like watching paint dry,” Yelena sarcastically informed her, her eyes half-lidded as she just locked her eyes with the redhead’s light green eyes. Natasha just huffed in reply, shrugging noncommittally with a lopsided grin and returning her gaze to Steve as he concluded his speech and quieted, giving them all a chance to voice their thoughts.

  It was all that Yelena could do not to groan when someone piped up and started presenting an opposite opinion to the super soldier, which launched them all into a debate. She took that opportunity to just lean forward and rest her elbow on the table while propping up her chin with a hand, the entire room abuzz with conversation that she really had no input in whatsoever.

  She had almost totally zoned out when she suddenly heard Natasha start speaking. Everyone quieted, and Yelena was shaken back into reality just from the sheer quiet that fell across the room as they listened to Natasha’s words.

  It was then that Yelena truly understood the quiet power that Natasha held in the room. It was shocking to her just how well-respected that the redhead was. She had never really thought about it before, but she now was starting to realize that almost any time Natasha wanted something to happen, it would come together for her. Any time Yelena wanted to come along on a mission, Natasha saw to it that it happened, and Yelena knew that it could not have been something that was commonly allowed.

  It made her somehow admire her big sister even more. Of course, she would sooner die than admit that fact, but she nevertheless felt it deep within her as she stared at Natasha.

  Once Natasha had finished her piece, everyone started conversation about Natasha’s input. Yelena stared at the side of her sister’s face, and Natasha glanced in Yelena’s direction, hesitating as she realized Yelena was looking at her. Yelena just raised an eyebrow at her, and Natasha smiled a little.

  Soon enough, things grew boring again as the rest of the group were arguing and Yelena started to lose interest, her eyes glazing over a little as she just stared in a random direction, not really paying any attention to anyone.

  However, she was swiftly grounded when she felt a gentle hand on her back. Yelena glanced in Natasha’s direction quizzically, recognizing the touch immediately. Natasha was not even looking in her direction and actually seemed to be somewhat invested in the conversation occurring before them.

  Yelena, on the other hand, could not think about much besides how nice the contact felt and how she just wanted to melt on the spot. She also was a bit stuck on just how embarrassed she was going to be if she gave in to those impulses.

  To her pure surprise, Natasha slipped her hand underneath the blonde’s shirt and started gently tracing along her back, her fingers tickling barely in the softest of touches. Yelena almost froze up, but the sensations were just so comforting.

  Yelena could not even really bring herself to turn away Natasha’s affections, and she felt her stomach twist uncomfortably as she realized that the Avengers were going to inevitably see her so weak and defenseless. She really did not want them to witness her in that state. However, she definitely did not want Natasha to stop gently raking her fingers along her back in that manner that always made her feel so immensely loved.

  She tried to fight the urge to lean against Natasha, valiantly holding out against Natasha’s gentle touches. She knew she could not hold out for long, but she was going to do the best she could for as long as possible.

  She felt Natasha running her fingers along her back in a specific pattern, and Yelena swiftly felt a letter “I” on her back. Natasha swiped carefully, erasing, and then wrote “love.” Yelena knew precisely where this was going, remembering the last time Natasha had pulled this trick when they were alone in their house and definitely not surrounded by the cool kids. It made Yelena’s heart ache with love and adoration before, and it was having that same effect now. She knew that as soon as Natasha wrote the last word on her back, she would be unable to resist just melting into her sister.

  Sure enough, Natasha wrote “you” on her back, and after a long moment of the most resistance that she could possibly manage, she finally leaned over sideways and rested her head against Natasha’s shoulder heavily. As soon as she did, she felt a huge weight leave her and most of the irritation about the stupid conference disappearing in favor of basking in the love offered to her by the redhead. Embarrassment was coursing through her almost as strongly, but not persistently enough to make her move away from Natasha’s touch.

  She quickly noticed that Clint had immediately noticed them, and she supposed that was not the most embarrassing person to see it, but she still felt quite a bit of humiliation anyway. However, it did not seem to phase Natasha’s gentle strokes and touches at all, and Yelena just looked down at the table, avoiding looking at Clint.

  “Is she okay?” Steve suddenly questioned after several beats, and Yelena felt her stomach drop to her feet, embarrassment flooding over her as she realized more than just Clint had apparently noticed her. However, she still could not quite pull away from her sister’s affections, instead moving her face to hide it a little in Natasha’s shoulder.

  “Yeah, of course,” Natasha replied, a bit of humor in her voice, and Yelena felt as if she might die from pure embarrassment as she realized that Natasha found her humiliation to be quite humorous.

  “Huh. Who would’ve thought that disaster Russian number two had such a soft side?” Tony commented, and Yelena felt herself bristle a bit. She could practically feel Natasha’s gaze on her.

  “She’s a cutie,” Natasha doted on her, her voice affectionate in an almost teasing sort of way, and Yelena pulled her head away from Natasha’s shoulder, stubbornly looking away from the group and her sister as well. This was growing to be much too humiliating.

  She could feel Natasha starting to move her hand away from her, but Yelena just moved her back and followed Natasha’s hand. Despite her embarrassment, she was not giving up the attention now.

  “Oh, and you can pet her like a housecat, too?” Tony asked, laughing a little, and it was then that Natasha’s hand froze on Yelena’s back. Yelena could almost feel the joking tone in the air totally drop in favor of something much graver and more serious as Natasha apparently did not entirely take that last comment as a joke and it crossed into risky territory.

  “Man, I’ve got to get me one of those,” Tony pointed out in his typical manner, and even though Yelena knew that he did not mean anything by it, it still made her bristle as it reminded Yelena of older days when the handlers, trainers, and higher-ups at the Red Room simply saw her as a fresh slab of meat to be distributed as they pleased. Natasha seemed to pick up on it, and Yelena could feel Natasha’s hand against her back tighten.

  “So, what have we decided on?” Natasha questioned, totally skipping over the quip, but anyone could read the extreme warning in Natasha’s tone and the venom percolating just beneath the surface. She was daring every single person to challenge her and say something.

  Yelena moved her head to the side, taking in Natasha’s face. Her face was neutral enough, but Yelena could see the danger in her eyes that prohibited anyone from saying anything else about Yelena. Yelena was surprised, but she was very much grateful to Natasha for her to take such a deep offense to it and stop it immediately. That last comment had definitely stepped over the line.

  Everyone cleared their throat, an awkward silence falling over them before Steve suddenly called for a vote. Yelena looked at Natasha with a great bit of admiration, her heart melting despite the embarrassment that Natasha had caused her earlier.

  She moved back nearer to her sister, leaning into her side heavily and not caring who saw. No one would say anything about it anyway. Not after Natasha’s display.

  Soon enough, they all ended up settling on some version of the plan that resembled Natasha’s suggestion but also had some of Steve and Tony’s ideas thrown in as well. They quickly dismissed after that, and everyone dispersed.

  When Yelena and Natasha were walking down the hall together in a comfortable silence, Natasha as calm as could be, Yelena spoke up.

  “Thank you,” Yelena told her quietly, and Natasha raised an eyebrow, smiling affectionately at the blonde as she slowed a bit to fall more into step with Yelena.

  “Nobody gets to embarrass my sister but me,” Natasha told her, an uncharacteristic lightheartedness and teasing in her voice despite the seriousness that was in her eyes. Yelena rolled her eyes, shrugging at Natasha’s arm that was now thrown over her shoulders. Natasha started to move it away, her chuckle ringing near Yelena, but the blonde reached up and grabbed Natasha’s hand, keeping her arm where it was.

  “You’re a real prizewinner in the jerk category,” Yelena grumbled despite leaning into Natasha a little.

  “I learned everything I knew from you.”

  “Ha,” Yelena let out a short, fake bark of laughter. “You must be a fast learner if you figured it out that well in the relatively short amount of time that we’ve been reunited.”

  Natasha just chuckled in reply to her. Yelena just raised an eyebrow with a smirk. After a moment, she just looked over at Natasha and eyed her softly, her heart swelling with affection. Natasha returned the gaze, her eyes conveying all the warmth in the world.

  “Ya tebya lyublyu.”

  “Ya lyublyu tebya yeshche bol'she.”

[tundrainafrica]

I've been following your blog for a while now and I love your writing and your meta! I was wondering, do you consider Levi and Hanji's relationship to be romantic in canon? Do you consider it canon that Levi had romantic feelings for Erwin?

Thank you for the ask anon, also, thank you for ruffling my feathers a bit too :D. I’m glad you like my writings and meta and I hope that my works continue to bring you joy. 

The types of questions you asked up there could only lead to the types of answers that can spark ship wars. I mean the dialogue in 136 and the change in kanji for chapter 132 hinting their own ships canon were enough to have Eruri and Levihan shippers bashing each other on twitter tbh. 

Personally, I see the romantic potential for both Levihan and Eruri in the show. That’s why I found myself reading a good number of Levihan and Eruri fics. (But lots more Levihan if it isn’t obvious from AO3 bookmarks and my tumblr title). I mean lots more romantic potential than let’s say.... ereri

Do you consider it canon that Levi had romantic feelings for Erwin? 

I’ll answer this one first. No. I don’t think Levi had romantic feelings for Erwin anywhere on the show. Was there potential for something to bloom? Possibly, that’s why I still read eruri fanfiction. I like exploring the possibility if Erwin wasn’t a little too obsessed with his dream, maybe their relationship could have turned out differently.

In canon, by the time they introduced Erwin, Erwin had already forsaken all romance and I think whatever feelings Erwin had towards romance rubbed off on Levi and their relationship ended up being more professional than anything. Due to Erwin’s one track mind and the position he had taken upon himself. any romantic possibilities between them in canon was just harder to make happen. 

Levi though still had strong feelings towards Erwin. It’s undeniable. Erwin had given Levi purpose to live and direction on where to go next, what to do next so that’s why regardless of whether canon had made it possible or not, this relationship is still very interesting to explore. 

Erwin was more professional and cold than Levi imo and honestly, despite the cold demeanor of his best friend Erwin, Levi was an incredible softie at heart and we’ve seen that side of him multiple times, when he gave Petra’s badge to that one soldier, when he stared at that one mother and child when they were on the wall ready to leave to retake Shiganshina.

We all know Levi begrudgingly wanted that soft side of him indulged and between Erwin and Hange the one more likely to indulge that softie side of Levi was Hange. 

Which brings me to the next question.

Do you consider Levi and Hanji's relationship to be romantic in canon? 

I wouldn’t be obsessively writing Levihan fics if I didn’t see it as romantic in canon. But at the same time, I don’t believe Hange and Levi have been in a relationship since Season 1. My headcanon here is Hange and Levi built that relationship over time and this relationship just rapidly progressed after season 3

It’s incredibly subtle which is one of the reasons people like to pretend it doesn’t exist. Probably because they’re trying to promote another ship or they don’t wanna see romance in AOT

But I don’t think a relationship developing subtly is at all a sign that it can be more platonic than anything else. 

In fact, most healthy relationships and most relationships from a bystanders point of view, develop subtly. Like we were the bystanders in many other developing relationships in real life, I think we, the audience of AOT, were also bystanders watching the subtle development of Hange and Levi’s relationship. 

Let’s think about how we’ve watched relationships develop in real life.  

If we’re not invested, they happen incredibly subtly. These people are just constantly together, then eventually we realize we can’t invite the other without the other, then we realize we can barely get them alone, then we realize the person changed and eventually they drop this bomb saying “by the way, I’m dating this person now.”

This pattern happens way too many damn times among my friends though and people I just randomly watch everyday that it just became so expected for it to develop into romance so eventually, when I’ve seen the formula play through, I tend to lean on the side of ‘yeah, they’re probably togteher or getting there.’

Yeah, I get it, there’s a danger in assuming that people are together. I’ve seen enough romantic relationships develop though to realize that leaning on the side of ‘romantic’ given specific signs is usually the correct assumption. In fact, I have earned a good amount of money irl winning bets with my friends that two people are actually together but are hiding a relationship (or possibly are in denial).

What are some of these signs? 

The way they treat this one person is so glaringly different from how they treat other people 

Through the years, I have lost a lot of my best friends to their boyfriends/girlfriends and as the youngest child, I have watched all seven of my siblings get into a relationship and believe me, a lot of them have a certain line they would draw on what they are willing to do for their close friend or sibling and what they are willing to do for a lover. 

I have seen people in love so willingly have their hand crushed while the person they love has their fingers set back. “Hold my hand as hard as you need to.” I’ve seen my friends take a detour 1 hour away from the destination just to pick up the person they love. And here’s the thing, they wouldn’t have done it for anyone else usually, they would have only done that thing for that one person. 

Yes, okay doormats exist. But even people with doormat syndrome, the threshold of what someone is willing to do for a close friend and for a person they love still differ regardless. In a life or death situation, I think both Levi and Hange would have fought to conserve lives but if we consider small things, like routines, groceries, small favors, I feel like Levi has an incredibly low threshold of what he’d be willing to do for a random person. But Levi still carried her groceries for her so he could meet her with Moblit in the smartpass. Levi still picked her up and waited for her in Season 2 when she was researching the rock. And for Hange, chapter 115 is all the hint you need. I honestly don’t know if Hange would have gone through those lengths for anyone else but selfishly abandoning commander duties for one guy? She practically said screw you to everyone else. 

The way they talk to each other is different.

This is something I notice in real life too. Most people won’t notice when they themselves do it but it’s incredibly obvious for listeners if the listeners look out for it. The tones of people’s voices change when they’re talking to someone they love. For a lot of people, sometimes their voices get a little high pitched. For others, sometimes their voices get a little softer. Just watch when you’re talking to a friend and suddenly their SO calls. (It might not apply to everyone but I find this incredibly common.) Not just tones, speech patterns change or tendencies too. In front of that one person, sometimes people are a little more selfish. Like maybe, they don’t usually say what they want to eat but when the one person asks, they would answer because suddenly they know what they want. 

With Hange and Levi we have the ‘let’s live together’ and the ‘dedicate your heart’ respectively. 

These are two expressions/phrases they would have not used with anyone else. There was probably more in canon, but these are just the most glaringly obvious ones with two pivotal scenes that blatantly show that Hange and Levi do have signs of the above.  

Hange and Levi who are generally very selfless all business people, are suddenly only selfish with the person they love. Hange with “let’s live together?” An injured Levi deciding to rest and sleep despite the fact that they were in a war because Hange was nearby to take care of him?

Those two were suddenly selfish when they were alone with one another?

They are constantly together.

Okay, irl, you can see this when you have all your friends ride in a car together and somehow, it’s always them taking those two seats next to each other. They leave the classroom together. They leave every single dam room together. And it could be subtle or not but they always wait for one another. Yet if one person is not there, they’re the type to just go ahead and leave without giving the room behind them a second look. When someone wants to buy something, the other always has an excuse to come. And oh my god, when you call your friend in the middle of the night to hang, that person is always in their dam house or in their dam room, no breaks. 

And Hange and Levi have their equivalent of this. 

Levi literally picked Hange from her lab in Season 2 while she was injured and he had no need to. 

I think I have made a post where Levi and Hange are shown constantly together but lemme make some points. Even early in canon, why were Hange and Levi introduced riding next to each other, they’re not even in the same squad. Why were they riding out the gate together? Shouldn’t Levi have been with his squad and shouldn’t Hange have been with her squad? 

Yeah sure, maybe they just decided to ride together. But why were they next to each other in the Ilse’s notebook too when they went out the gate? And even when they were going to take back Wall Maria, Levi and Hange were next to each other in the lift, they were back to back on Wall Maria. 

Like the only expedition where they weren’t riding together was when Levi had to protect Eren yo.

“They’re both leaders of course they were together” Mind you, Levi’s position in the military is a special one. He’s the captain of a special operations squad and not at all a squad leader so he shouldn’t be riding next to Hange if it were by “leaders” and in the retake Wall Maria, if they were divided by “leaders” why didn’t Hange take the lift with the other squad leaders? Why wasn’t she back to back with the other squad leaders on top of Wall Maria? 

Why did she pick to hang out with Special Ops squad Captain Levi of all people, in every. Single. Damn. expedition. Scene. 

And don’t even get me started on post Season 3 man. They’ve been inseparable since Erwin died.  

They literally come in a set. 

And you kinda realized your friends are in love when you wanna invite one of them out and you realized you kinda have to invite their special little friend by default. 

And Hange and Levi are just like that too, 

Hange and Levi have always come in a set. In fan art, in those advertisements, Hange and Levi are always next to each other. In those fan audiobooks, smart passes, there are always Levihan crumbs. Attack on Titan Chuugakkou was literally a testament to the canonicity of Levihan since in that show, they didn’t even hide anything, Levi and Hange were always next to each other. (I think Hange actually ended up living with him towards the end?) Post Season 3, I don’t even think there were many seasons where Levi and Hange were apart and when they were apart it was more of for duty than anything else. 

Hange was always with him when she could, despite her duty as commander. Given their circumstances, they wouldn’t even be together a lot if they didn’t make the effort too. 

Especially towards the end, 126 - 132, the few times Hange did leave Levi behind were for commander duties but Hange never left Levi for the lulz. And also, in 132, Levi was magically able to walk when Hange finally left him behind, and Levi could barely walk in 132, yet he still pushed himself to stand up, walk toward her and attempt to stop her. 

In fact, Hange’s first scenes were next to Levi and Hange’s last scenes were also next to Levi “See you later Hange.”

And I think the huge efforts they put to being together despite their circumstances says a lot already. Hange and Levi’s treatment of each other and their being together constantly in general is a huge testament to the canonicity of their romance. 

Sure, there were no ‘I love yous’. But really, before our irl friends who were in love actually came out to us, maybe months or even years after we’ve watched them be joined at the hip, were there really ‘I love you’s  between them or did we all just place bets on it because they were just being too glaringly obvious about it in how they treated each other? 

[tenthgrove]

An (Incredibly Loose and Unfounded) Analysis of Dolcio Cioccolata

Content Warnings: Typical Cioccolata behaviour such as murder and manipulation. One mention of suicide. Discussion of child abuse.

(A/N: I do not know much about psychology, nor do I pretend to. Instead, I'm essentially going to be listing out headcanons of educated guesses about his motivations and behaviours based on his canon actions.)

Cioccolata is one of the most rightfully despised villains in the entirety of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. Beyond his egotistical, rotten behaviour around other characters, the reason for his notoriety arguably lies in the disturbing reality of his evil. He isn't motivated by a cartoonish desire for world domination or an explicable feud with our protagonists that could really only arise in fiction, but a simple, sadistic desire to observe the suffering of others and revel in the power it gives him. Although he is in possession of a highly lethal stand, his weapons of choice are natural tools. Medical tools. He scares us, because his evil is grounded in reality.

One of the most perplexing things about Cioccolata's behaviour is the inconsistency in his demeanour. Despite initially appearing to be a flat, one-dimensional incarnation of pure sadism, he has a number of highly distinct moods that, despite their diversity, are all recognisably his. There's the manic joy that usually comes to mind when you first think of the character, but there are also moments of uncontrolled anger, fear, and even calmness.

It's the fact his emotional exterior can change very suddenly that makes it so unnerving. Notice how calm he initially appears when he carves into one of his victims during his backstory segment. Until the point he breaks into a sickening smile, there's not even a hint of a twitching lip to indicate his usual sadistic joy at doing what he loves.

There are other similar instances, such as occasions where he suddenly bursts into emotion during his fight with Giorno, or interacts very inconsistently with Secco.

One possible explanation for this behaviour is that he treats his life like a grand piece of drama in which he is the star actor. You know that trope of the actor character who's just a bit too full of himself and takes his performances to an obnoxious level of serious? That's how Cioccolata treats his whole life. It pleases him to turn every word, every expression, every movement of his limbs into the work of an intellectual genius, something the audience in his mind will clap and cheer for as he enters the scene.

Unlike Kira, a more major villain who follows the similar role of a serial killer who at least some of the time follows 'realistic' urges and methodologies in his crimes, we don't have anything in the way of an explanation for Cioccolata as to how his murderous urges arose. Nonetheless, I believe there are most likely some similarities between the pair.

Some might assume that the sheer brutality of Cioccolata's crimes would point towards a highly traumatic childhood, with abuses to rival the fates of some of his victims. In real life, while it is common for serial killers to have had such childhoods, they don't usually create the behaviour patterns seen in Cioccolata. Such killers often lash out against specific groups, women being a common target especially if the killer was abused by a maternal figure. As far as we know, Cioccolata has no specific target demographic other than the incredibly broad category of 'the weak.'

Additionally, we know from canon that Cioccolata was able to seek voluntary work at a home for the elderly at the tender age of 14, and judging by what he got away with, was clearly trusted by the institute's staff a lot. This would point towards Cioccolata having a family life that at least externally appeared respectable, and left Cioccolata stable enough to hide his deviancies where necessary.

The backstory I have created for Cioccolata is a middle-ground between a childhood of abject misery and trauma, and a childhood of perfect normalcy (in which Cioccolata's evil would have arisen purely from nature).

It begins with Cioccolata's birth to a teenage mother, hailing from a wealthy conservative Italian family, and a foreign tourist who had already made his getaway months ago. The circumstances of the birth brought about great shame that caused the mother and child to be severely chastised by the rest of the family. Within a few years, the shame brought the young mother to a breaking point and resulted in her suicide, beginning Cioccolata's fascination with death.

After this, Cioccolata's life continued roughly the same. He did not mourn his mother as the pair never properly bonded and his grandparents continued to treat him with the same coldness. That was until, around the age of 10, it became undeniable that Cioccolata possessed a profound innate genius, and would likely go on to be incredibly successful. Suddenly, the boy was showered in praise and encouragement, teaching him the crucial lesson that love is conditional, and only owed to those who are strong.

On this subject, we arrive at the most tantalising question of Cioccolata's psychology, that being whether he is truly capable of love. The short answer is: yes. His love for Secco is genuine in the context of his own behaviour, and if he were to have lived a full life it can't be ruled out that he would have experienced love of some form again. Everything we see of Cioccolata's relationship with Secco points to a genuine love, from the way he apologises for throwing one of the sugar cubes too far to his heartfelt goodbye over the phone. Even if their relationship is unhealthy, Cioccolata has goodwill towards his companion.

The issue that then has to be reconciled is how Cioccolata is capable of this kind of companionship when the vast majority of the population are nothing but lab rats to him. In short, Cioccolata's morality is whatever he wants it to be. He is the ultimate worthy being and hence, if he cares about someone, he can break the rules of his philosophy to do so because, if they weren't deserving of it, why would someone so important as him have feelings for them?

You can take this back to the point about Cioccolata's life being a performance to him. We already know the fascination he experiences with fear, so perhaps he has similar curiosities about other emotions, like love? Perhaps having someone like Secco fills him with a grand sense of poeticism, as though he is the misunderstood hero of some acclaimed play, playing out the scene of a beautiful romance against the backdrop of a bloody tragedy.

If there's one thing to be taken away from this, it's that Cioccolata's entire existence, his whole world-view, is built around his self-importance. A fairly moot point, now it comes down to it, given everything about the character's actions, but it's interesting to see how this profound egoism plays out in his more subtler interactions. Perhaps it's not only the realism of his crimes that makes him so terrifying, but also the realism of the particular way he regards his fellow humans like dirt. If you survive him, it's for his pleasure.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

TWD 11x02: The Talking Dead

Okay, I DO have a details post, which will go up tomorrow. Because Emily was a guest on TTD this week, I thought it would be more important to post this first this week.

P.S. Apologies for the low quality of the pictures. I wasn’t able to get my usual screenshots this week, so I had to take pics of my TV. ;D

Right off the bat, let me say there weren’t any huge, smoking guns about Beth’s return in the episode. In other words, not much that the general audience (GA) would pick up on.

But we’re not the GA, are we? LOTS of suspicious dialogue and symbolism came out of this. Way more than we usually get from TTD. So, let’s dive right in.

The first thing was in the introduction. When Chris Hardwick was introducing his guests, as he always does, he used the phrase, “Beth is back!” That sort of thing always catches our attention and makes us side-eye.

@wdway​ observed that Emily’s outfit was a mixture of black and white/cream colors, Xs, and diamond patterns. In the past, I might not have been entirely swayed by that. (We’re assuming she chooses her own clothes, right?) But there have been too many times in the past when similar things have happened. Like for the S8 premiere when she wore that bright pink top that looked exactly like the pink bra ashtray in Still? Yeah, I’m no longer convinced Emily ISN’T dropping hints through her clothing.

It was also observed that her hair was very long. Whether extensions or not, it was very long (Beth length) and very blond. Might have been another hint.

One of the first questions Chris asked he was what she thought of Maggie’s SURVIVAL. That’s important both because it’s a question about someone who was left for dead surviving and also because Maggie crawling under the train was a direct parallel to Glenn, who was a direct parallel to Beth. So I was definitely side-eyeing that.

At one point, Chris referenced the Commonwealth interrogating people before letting them in, and he asked if Hershel had done that at the farm, would Rick’s group have made it past the screening process. Emily, overall, said yes. But Josh (McDermott who was on with her) said Shane wouldn’t have. They then started talking and making typical fandom jokes about Shane’s craziness.

The reason this made me smile is because Emily often deflects questions by saying she doesn’t remember, or doesn’t know, or that she no longer keeps up with the show. But here, she talked about specific characters and events in specific parts of a season 9 years ago as though she’s VERY familiar with it. It was like, “oh, but that character didn’t do that until minute 32 of episode 8 of season 2. But I don’t know. I don’t really keep up with things anymore.”

Okay, I’m totally exaggerating there. She wasn’t that specific. But that’s what it felt like. The little fibs she tells to keep people from suspecting Beth’s return are showing.

In talking about the significance of Maggie giving Negan a gun, Lauren said something kind of interesting and Beth-ish. She said, and I paraphrase, that Maggie is struggling to hold onto the person she was, rather than giving into who she might become. Just very reminiscent of Beth’s line to Daryl from still. “You gotta stay who you are, not who you were.”

Chris then asked what Beth would have thought of the current Maggie. And he asked specifically, “Would she even recognize her?” Now, of course he meant that in terms of recognizing who she’s become, because Maggie has changed so much as a person since Beth’s death.

But given the memory loss theories and all the surrounding evidence, we really think there’s a good chance Beth won’t recognize Maggie right away. So that was a huge hint to drop.

See what I mean? It’s not that they talked about Beth’s return in a huge, smoking gun sort of way. Rather, they just dropped a lot of hints through dialogue and the way they phrased questions.

The other thing I noticed is that Emily, in answer to the question, said that without Maggie, everyone seemed adrift and as if they didn’t know what to do because they no longer had a leader (until Maggie showed up again) to tell them what to do. Especially since it didn’t directly answer Chris’s question, I felt like maybe Emily was hinting at Beth’s leadership. New sheriff in town, and such.

Then Josh brought the shiv to everyone’s attention. I don’t think I mentioned this yesterday. If not, it will be in tomorrow’s Details post. But we saw Eugene wheedle a piece of wood into a sharp shive/spike and stick it into his sleeve. It was very reminiscent of Beth hiding the scissors in her cast in Coda. And Josh specifically called attention to that scene. He actually compared it to Terminus, rather than Coda, because we saw them trying to create makeshift weapons in the train car in 5x01. But still, it’s all season 5 and revolves around Beth’s arc.

Actually, as they went along through the episode, they did callbacks to various things in S5 a BUNCH of times. Kind of convenient given that Emily is sitting on the couch next to him, no? Both Lauren and Josh mentioned Terminus multiple times in various ways. Which works because Eugene’s group has been around a lot of train cars these past few episodes. But the thing is, they didn’t really equate Eugene’s storyline directly with Terminus. They were simply finding ways/reasons to randomly mention it.

They also brought up Noah’s death multiple times, comparing Gauge’s death to it, since in both cases, people watched them die horribly from behind a glass partition. Totally makes sense, but yet another tie to Beth by really talking about Noah a lot.

Lauren, talking about good vs evil and what people are capable of, a la Maggie’s disturbing cannibal story, said it wasn’t just about what outward choices people make. She pointed to her chest and said, “it’s what’s in here.” That just gave me huge Beth feels from Still, when she said, “…or it kills you. Here.” And pointed to her chest in the same way.

It just felt like they were invoking Beth a lot during this episode.

This next one was kind of the big kahuna. Chris, just out of left field, looked at Emily and asked, “Will Daryl prove Beth right? Will he be the last man standing?”

And that’s important because it has nothing to do with this discussion or this specific episode. Daryl wasn’t even in this episode.

And I have to acknowledge that there’s a good chance Emily was supposed to be on last week, and her appearance was pushed. We just don’t entirely know what happened there. So possibly, they would have asked this last week during a more Daryl-centric discussion. But still, Chris didn’t say that. It wasn’t like, “Oh you were supposed to be on last week and we wanted to ask this…” No. He just launched into it.

Furthermore, Emily knew exactly what he was talking about. Yes, it’s a well-known line of Beth dialogue from Still that she probably would have been familiar with either way, but even so. The “will Daryl prove her right” came directly from Daryl’s origins episode. So again, despite “not keeping up with the show,” she clearly watched the Origins episode and knew what Chris was talking about.

A couple of suspicious things in her answer:

She essential said yes, that she believes Daryl will be the last man standing. But she also said she didn’t think he would be the ONLY last man standing. Then Chris made a joke saying (and I paraphrase), “Yeah, it’s not like Beth could have said, ‘Daryl, you’re going to get a spinoff.’” And they all laughed and joked about it.

Let’s consider her statement first. She said he wouldn’t be the only one who was standing last, but how would she know that? If she doesn’t follow it anymore and is only associated with it as a previous, deceased character, how would she know that.

And yes, you could argue that this was conjecture on her part, but she said with such…I don’t know, authority? As though she knows something we don’t.

I think you can interpret this one of two ways. The first is what I’ve hinted at above: that she knows others besides Daryl will survive to the end of the show. And I totally agree with her on that. While most of us believe, I think, that Daryl will live until the end, I think plenty of others will, too. Rick and Michonne. Probably Carol and Zeke. Hopefully Maggie, though I’m a little more worried about her. You get the idea. But once again, why would Emily know anything about that?

The other way you could interpret it is that this is a statement about Daryl not being alone. He’ll be the last man standing, but he won’t be the ONLY one. He won’t be alone in that, because Beth will be by his side.

And here’s your friendly neighborhood reminder that in an interview with Larry King prior to S5 airing, Gimple confirmed that Daryl will find love in the apocalypse at some point.

Then there’s Chris’s statement about the spinoff. Now, that came from Chris rather than her, but it was still a really random reference. For me, what Chris does or doesn’t know is kind of irrelevant at this point. I personally believe he knows everything and is fully in on Beth’s storyline. But even if I’m wrong about that, these questions come from tptb. If Chris recognizes their significance, he’s being instructed to ask them and direct the conversation in a particular way.

And they way he threw in this mention made it seem like he was equating Beth with the spinoff in some way. Even the way he said, “there’s no way Beth could have known to say…” the thing about the spinoff struck me as interesting. Because back then, I truly don’t believe the writers knew anything about the spinoff. As I like to say, everything changed when Kirkman abruptly ended the comics and the writers decided to pick up all the characters and story lines and move them to a different vehicle: the spinoff. Probably for legal reasons. But they couldn’t have know that would happen back in S4.

There’s also the unspoken implication that, while Beth couldn’t have “known” about the spinoff, she didn’t know about other things. Like her return and Daryl’s fate.

Emily even told a story about how when they were getting ready to film the porch scene for Still, both she and Norman were hounding Angela Kang (not the show runner back then, but the writer of that episode) about the last man standing line. They both wondered if it was some kind of foreshadow. She implied they were both worried that Daryl would die soon because of it.

A few things about that. 1) I don’t think either of them actually believed Daryl was soon to die. I seriously doubt that. This is just one of those stories they tell to illustrate a point. Which leads me to my next point. 2) Clearly they are implying that this IS some sort of foreshadowing. They’re just not being specific about what it foreshadows. 3) Keep this in mind--that they were both asking about what a certain line of dialogue might foreshadow--the next the time actors try to claim they have no idea what anything means or what’s going to happen next. They’re VERY aware of how the writers put these symbols in and are constantly wanting to know where the show is going, just like we are. 

So yeah. I was definitely a fan of that whole discussion.

The Inside the Dead portion referenced some interesting Easter eggs, including Gorbelli foods (seen in Tara’s backstory in S4, which had lots of Beth parallels) and Duane Jones Whiskey (alcohol, Morgan, etc; we’ve compared that with Beth before). Kinda small potatoes, but still important.

I missed part of this next question, but they asked Emily something about whether she thought the Commonwealth is going to turn out to be a good thing and helpful to Alexandria. She said no. Again, maybe not a smoking gun but given that we think she’s most likely coming through Eugene’s story line, it might have been a hint.

They asked her about the Eugene/Stephanie story line, and she said she was excited for any love story in this world. *coughs Bethyl hint*. She also said she’s suspicious of ‘Stephanie’ (emphasis mine) *coughs plot hint*.

For the quiz, they talked about how many walkers Dog killed in the episode (1). Where Mercer said he went to school (Westpoint). What was interesting, is that they kinda gave something away there. After giving the answer, it said, “Mercer didn’t go to school there, but the actor that played him did.” So, they kind of hinted that Mercer SAID he went to Westpoint, but was lying. Just more evidence that Eugene’s group is being lied to and manipulated. Finally, they had a fill-in-the-blank of Eugene’s dialogue. It was when he asked how he was being processed. And one of the options was “as in bologna and other meant stuffs…” (again, I’m paraphrasing; forgive me if my wording is a little off). Anyway, it said at that moment, Eugene was thinking about Terminus. So, just another callback to that story line in S5.

Near the end, Chris asked Lauren and Emily what they miss most about working together. Lauren’s replay was, again, suspicious. She said Emily was “such a bright light,” which we equated to Norman’s famous description of Beth as Daryl’s light that “went out.” She also talked about how it was a testament to Emily’s goodness that she’s “being so missed.” Which made me think of, “you’re gonna miss me so bad when I’m gone, Daryl Dixon.”

Finally, even before the episode aired, @wdway had a theory about Emily being in the studio for the episode, rather than via satellite. Well, I guess it was more of a hope than an actual theory. Now that the episode has aired, it’s an actual theory. 

See, she had a hunch that maybe the Commonwealth story lines (what Josh should be filming right now) might be filmed in studio, rather than on location in Georgia. And there IS an AMC studio in L.A. What we saw--Josh in person on the show while Lauren was there via satellite because she’s in Georgia--does seem to back up this idea. Or at least the possibility. 

The fact that Emily was also there in person could be a coincidence. But it could also possibly mean that she’s filming in studio for the Commonwealth story line as well. @wdway​ thought of this because we think she’ll first come through Eugene’s arc, and none of the Commonwealth stuff is being filmed on the main Alexandria lots where people generally look for spoilers.

Not something that can be proven either way, of course. But a great theory that I’m 100% behind! 

Okay, that’s it for TTD (but that was a LOT) and it makes me super happy. Together with the screeners not being able to talk about episodes moving forward, I think we’ll see Beth very soon. Any references in TTD that I missed?

[wild-karrde]

Guarded - Part 10

Master List | Previous Part | Next Part

The air around the palace was still and stifling, like the calm before an immense storm. It was as if everyone inside the palace grounds were holding their breath while the rest of the galaxy carried on normally beyond the outer walls. Typho and his guards had kept the assassination attempt secret, and much to the surprise of everyone, Kestia had agreed it was best to not make the Empire’s bold attack public knowledge, stating she was certain it would only antagonize them and hasten the inevitable.

A few days after the gala, Echo stood guard behind the queen as she met with various groups of people in one of the larger palace meeting rooms. They’d claimed that the throne room was under some renovations that had taken longer than expected, hiding the fact that construction droids were frantically repairing the windows and a new desk was being brought in to replace her blaster-burned one.

Despite Kestia’s outward appearance and demeanor, Echo could tell she was carrying the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. He knew Tech had taken his guard shift the day before and had come back to the room without a word, going straight to sleep. Hunter and Wrecker were on edge, and Crosshair slunk in and out of the room without so much as acknowledging anyone. He was still going about his guard shifts, but the only time any of them saw him was when he was entering or leaving the suite, helmet in hand.

Kestia was in the middle of bidding her audience farewell, shaking hands with a smile on her face as they exited the room one by one. Once it was just the two of them, Echo noted how heavily she leaned against the table. “Are you alright m’lady?” he asked quietly.

She nodded. “Yes, I just haven’t been sleeping well. For somereason.”

“You’ve got a little bit before your next appointment. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll see if we can get some caf brought in for you.”

Kestia met his eyes and gave him a small grateful smile. “Thank you, Echo. That would be lovely.”

Once the caf arrived, Echo shut the door to give them some privacy and sat across the table from her. Even with the massive gold headdress she was wearing and the robes with large shoulder pads, she seemed smaller today, more tired, less imposing. She sipped quietly, her eyes out of focus on a point on the tabletop.

“Kes,” he said quietly.

Her eyes snapped to his, and he could see the sadness that she carried in the rest of her body reached her emerald irises as well.

“It’s going to be alright,” he said with more confidence than he felt.

She gave him a small laugh. “I appreciate your optimism, but I think we’re about as far from ‘alright’ as we can be at the moment.”

“They haven’t come yet.”

“But they will.”

He knew it was true, and there was no point in denying it. “Have you made contact with outside forces?”

“We’ve been trying to reach my allies in the Senate, but I’ve come to find that most of the people I considered friends aren’t as reliable once the Empire gets involved. Our mutual friend from Alderaan is about the only one that seems to believe me and be willing to help, although he and I both know there’s little he can do. Still, he’s trying to come up with something, but I fear it will be some political measure that the Empire will steamroll without hesitation. We’re on our own, Echo.”

He chuckled, and she raised an eyebrow at him inquisitively. “Seems to be a running theme with us these days,” he said quietly, tracing his gloved finger in patterns on the table. In the weeks since Tech had given him his cybernetic limb, he’d made great strides in adapting it to his neural network. It still bugged out on occasion, but his dexterity had improved greatly, and he relished being able to do small things like run his finger along a surface or pinch or scratch at things. Kestia watched his hand before settling a little further into her chair, allowing her posture to slip slightly from its normal rigidity.

“What about the militias?” Echo asked.

Kestia paused mid-sip. “We haven’t reached out yet, although we’ve started to put people on alert. We don’t want to tip our hand with them until the time is right.”

Echo nodded. As a strategist, he saw the value in keeping the militias hidden. “In a battle where we’re already outmatched, I think using every tactical advantage we have is wise, particularly if it involves the element of surprise.”

They sat quietly for a few more moments, Kestia silently sipping on her caf while Echo watched her intently.

“Will I ever be able to regain your trust?” she finally asked.

Echo knew the question was posed as if she was asking about all of his brothers, but there was one in particular she was most concerned about. He wet his lips as he considered his response carefully. “Trust is a difficult thing to earn, especially once there have been secrets kept. I can only speak for myself, but I understand why you did it, Kes. I don’t like that it was kept from us, but I don’t necessarily harbor any ill will about it. Can you tell me it was the last secret you’ve kept from us? Honestly?”

She met his eyes. “Yes. It is. That was my greatest secret. Not even Quarsh Panaka knows I’m Force sensitive.” She set the empty cup on the table, her gaze growing distant once more. “My parents discovered my abilities fairly quickly when I was young. They knew the Jedi would come for me. They’d spent years trying for a child and struggling to conceive, so needless to say they were hesitant to send me off. Ultimately, they decided they weren’t comfortable determining my fate at such a young age without me really being able to have any say in the matter or understand the implications. They encouraged me to hide myself, fearing I might be ostracized for my abilities. Gregar was my closest childhood friend and not even he knew until he was indoctrinated into the security force and learned about the program.”

“How did he take finding out your secret?” Echo asked.

Kestia smirked. “About as well as could be hoped for, all things considered. It definitely caused a rift in our friendship for a while before he started to understand more. It took us several years to get back to where we were.” She traced her thumb along the edge of the empty cup, sighing deeply. “I hope it won’t take me years to recover this time around.”

Echo leaned forward on the table, folding his hands. “Tech’s not the type to hold grudges. It’ll take him a while, but just be patient.” He chewed his lip as he considered his next words.

“Go ahead and say it, Echo.”

He glanced up at her, and she was matching his posture, leaning forward, hands delicately folded.

“It’s going to be a little harder for him than the rest of us though. He…he never doubted you whereas the rest of us admittedly had some reservations, especially after the sniper attack.”

She bowed her head, nodding slightly, and Echo could tell her guilt was eating at her. “I am sorry for the rift I caused among you. I know Crosshair had suspicions, and with his relationship with you all already tenuous at best, I didn’t help matters.”

Echo leaned back, pushing himself to a standing position. “I don’t know if that necessarily falls squarely on your shoulders. It certainly didn’t help, but that’s something we’ll have to work on ourselves. Like I said, trust has to be earned, and we’re all struggling with that at the moment.” He leaned over the table, reaching for her cup. “About time for your next appointment. Better get that cleared out.”

Wordlessly, she extended her hand, and without her even touching it, the cup slid across the table into Echo’s outstretched hand. He looked at her in surprise and she smiled slightly. “Feels good to stretch my muscles sometimes, and now that you know my secret, well…” She shrugged.

He lifted the cup from the table, turning it over in his hands. “Just make sure you don’t get too comfortable doing that. Wouldn’t want you to slip up around someone you don’t know.”

Kestia laughed at that. “I’ve been hiding that all of my life. I doubt I’ll slip up now.”

Echo looked at her and gave her a nod. “Still, can’t be too careful.” He moved the cup to a service window at the end of the conference room, shutting a hatch to hide it from view until it was picked up. “Ready then?”

Kestia straightened in her chair, and he watched her slip back into her regal persona. “I am.”

He strode to the door, already hearing the voices of her next audience making their way down the corridor. Turning to look at her one more time, he gave her a soft smile. “One day at a time, Kes.” With that, he opened the door and stood at attention as the group of diplomats swept in and greeted the queen.

---

Hunter was relieved to be turning in early tonight. The last few evenings, he and Typho had been busy coordinating until the early hours of the morning, attempting to plan and make contingencies for the possibility of an attack. What they’d found was that Naboo was sorely underprepared, despite its slight increase in militarization over the years. Hunter and the rest of Clone Force 99 had faced countless battles with insurmountable odds; in fact, it had kind of become their calling card over the course of the war, but this felt different. There was more at stake here than ground lost or gained, or maybe it was just that they were closer to it. To win would be symbolic, a harsh blow to the Empire and its ever-growing expansion, but to lose would cost an entire civilization their home and someone he had come to consider a friend her life. At each meeting, he could see the same thoughts haunting Typho.

Despite Kestia’s lie, Hunter held no grudge. He’d found early in his life that if he held onto every wrong against him, he’d never stop being angry and he’d hardly be an effective leader. He’d learned to let most slights roll off of his back like water and had succeeded for the most part. That is, unless it harmed one of his brothers. He’d never forgive the Empire for what they did to Crosshair, and while he didn’t let it show, he harbored an animosity towards Imperials that was likely unmatched by most.

Where Hunter did struggle was with seeing Tech digest Kestia’s secret. To anyone else, it would appear that Tech was going about his day as normal, but it was obvious to Hunter and his brothers that he was hurting. Ever the professional, Tech hadn’t allowed the new information to impact his work. He went about his guard duties as expected, but the bounce in his step and eager glint in his eye was gone. Tech wasn’t one to gush over anything, but there had been a subtle shift in his character and demeanor that had not gone unnoticed, but now, it was as if that slight shift had never existed and Tech was back to normal, although Hunter couldn’t be sure that was necessarily a good thing.

As he opened the door to their quarters, his gaze fell on his brother, eyes locked on his datapad as usual as he sat on the couch in the sitting area, punching away at the buttons.

“You’re up late,” Hunter commented.

Tech looked up at him, unperturbed by the interruption. “I’m auditing the inventory of the munitions stored on the palace grounds.”

Hunter sighed. “Let me guess, we’re woefully underprepared.”

“That would be quite an understatement.” Tech pushed his goggles up his nose. “By my estimates, we would only be able to hold off against, at most, ten attack shuttles worth of infantry, and that’s of course assuming that they don’t bring any tanks or air support.”

Hunter sat down heavily on the couch across from him, sliding his helmet onto the table and undoing his bun once more, letting his hair hang over his face while he rubbed the soreness out of his scalp. At this point, he wasn’t certain if the headaches he was having were from his bun or from the stress. Running his gloved fingers over his face, he leaned forward, folding his hands and resting his chin on his knuckles.

“There’s no way the Empire’s sending a force that small.”

“I agree with your assessment.”

The sergeant let out a huff. “We’ve fought hopeless battles before.”

“Yes, but I would say none with the odds stacked quite as badly against us.”

“You’re the numbers man. You’d know.”

Tech glanced at him over the edge of his datapad before resuming his typing.

Suddenly, Hunter noted a soft shuffling outside their door. Looking up, he saw Tech stiffen. He hears it too. He glanced over in time to see a shadow pause outside of their door. He recognized the footsteps. He’d come to know her soft deliberate footfalls from the time he’d spent striding next to her in the halls as they moved between her appointments. He could practically feel her pulse radiating through the door, and he noted Tech was holding his breath. After a few moments, he heard a light sigh, and the shadow receded, moving off down the hall. He turned to look at Tech, who was also staring at the door. Hunter weighed his options, wondering if he should advise his brother, or if it would even be welcome, but before he could decide, Tech stood abruptly.

“I should be getting to bed. Good night.”

Before Hunter could say anything, Tech walked down the hall and Hunter heard the door of he and Echo’s room hiss shut behind him.

Hunter sat in silence for a few more moments, allowing his mind to wander a bit for the first time all day. He wondered how Omega was doing on Yavin-4, hoping she wasn’t missing them too much and was staying safe. There was no doubt in his mind that she was excelling at her studies as she was almost more focused than Tech when she was learning something new. He smiled slightly to himself as he remembered the last time they’d seen her, standing on the tarmac waving at the Marauder as they’d departed. He’d noticed her trooper doll that she’d painted to look like a member of the Bad Batch was sticking out of pouch on her belt. She’d had to grow up too quickly with them, and at times he’d been sad that she’d never been able to have a proper childhood. None of them had of course, but for some reason, her lack of fun and excitement as a child bothered him more. He’d secretly always loved to see her take small things like the doll and make them hers, to watch her accrue personal treasures that kids her age should get to have and experience.

“Take care of them.” The last words she’d said to him echoed in his mind. He wasn’t sure he was doing a great job at that right now. He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck before standing and plodding down the other adjoining hall to the room he shared with Crosshair. He was relieved to see his brother snoring softly when he entered the room. He was used to the sniper disappearing for hours on end, particularly late at night. He’d return before his shift in the mornings, and it never impacted his duties, but it still concerned Hunter how distant he’d grown, particularly since the truth about Kestia had been revealed.

Carefully, he stripped off his armor, tunic, and boots before slipping under the covers.

It felt as though his head had barely had time to warm the pillow before there was a loud pounding noise that woke him. The pounding continued as his eyes flew open and he sat up quickly. Crosshair was awake as well.

“What-“

Echo came charging into the room, his dark clone armor in his hands as he yanked his blacks on over his shoulders.

“Get up. The Empire’s here.”

Tag List: @imalovernotahater

[life-rewritten]

Lovely Writer (5-7)- The Fantasy of Love: The Search for Family, Freedom and Love

Wow it’s like I haven’t written in so long on here. You know this because I literally have to analyse and break down Lovely writer episode 5-7 and catch up before tomorrows episode, these episodes just by themselves are packed and full of depth and meta and it takes ages to comb through the information and present the results. But I’m back and I have so much to say, I feel so incredibly worried and scared for our babies as they deal with the villains of the show, but I also can’t help but swoon at the themes of the show, and why they’re important for representation in BL to be shown and discussed. Lovely Writer continues to be fluffy, cute BL on the surface but deep within a powerful medium for conversations about LGTBTQ representation and more. Isn’t it brilliant? And with two incredible Bl couples there’s so much to break down and analyse. So let’s break down the fantasy of BL love and why it’s a massive theme in the show.

Gene and His Fear

Gene’s reactions to people are in a way very similar to someone who is going through a stereotypical situation, and at first I didn’t understand why he had such a certain mistrust in people like for example although it was understood his fears and worries about Nubsib, he reacted in a way that seemed very extra and over the top in episode 6. The reason why this feels extra is because he made the audience feel like Nubsib must have been a horrible person to him in the past for him to go into a panic attack and break down over the fact that he lied about his identity and it is Sib. Obviously the reason why he was panicking is because he had realised he had fallen in love with Nubsib and he thought he was a victim of a practical joke wherein he fell hard but Nubsib’s feelings were insincere. It seemed like he felt scared like the one person he trusted and felt truly himself and comfortable with (who Nubsib always seems to be for him even in childhood) was fake and not possible path for him. This points back to the doubts and ideas Gene holds about himself, he doesn’t have social anxiety but he does have a form of discomfort that makes him feel he doesn’t belong with others, like he’s different, he’s ‘abnormal’ this points to his internalised struggle with his sexuality and being with his friends who want him to be truthful, it points out to his struggle with being imaginative preferring toys and childish games over the games his peers preferred at a young age, him being a BL author when normally it’s not written by men etc. He tends to want to hide and shield himself from others by entering his own imagination hence why he finds writing a safe space. The one person he found comfort in sharing all his fears with or embracing who he was is Nubsib, this is why his walls broke in shock realising that all Nubsib did was a lie. And really not going to lie Gene’s comments to Mhork about people assuming that because he’s a writer he’s an introvert did throw me, because I do see him as that, he has a lot of trust issues that’s what it seemed like to me, someone who doesn’t trust people, or like confronting or dealing with situations because he feels alienated or different from others, someone who doesn’t like being vulnerable with people because he’s afraid of it being used against him. That’s fine because when he’s angry at Nubsib those reasons make sense to me why he broke down in that way, it pulled on all of his hidden insecurities, all of his fears about never finding someone else that gets him, all of his worries that he was always being mocked or looked down upon that other people could tell he was different, that he was weird, that he didn’t feel comfortable with them.

 Because he’s meant to be like this when Nubsib’s truth gets unveiled, he’s going to be terrified, go through the panic attacks, go through the break downs and flooding of emotions that were hidden deep, this is why his reactions are extremely dramatic and intense.  That’s what I thought. But what Gene tells Mhok is that he only pulls away from people when he writes to focus, and that’s fine but it didn’t add up with how he acts with others when it comes to social situations, sure he’s polite, and sometimes agrees to go out and do something with others, but we can see he tends to feel stressed, uncomfortable and annoyed with how people behave, especially when it’s not what he feels like doing (this happens both as a child and also as an adult). The second confusing thing I had to process was that Gene is wealthy. I did mention in previous episodes that Nubsib and Gene have mirror characters with Hin mirroring Gene, and Aey mirroring Nubsib’s situation, however one of the differences between them and their mirrors is the idea of privilege and ease of life. Gene isn’t as desperate as Hin to be a writer because he doesn’t have to prove anything, he’s fully accepted at home, he’s immensely wealthy, has a writer mum to seek advise from, and most of his family support his dreams (will break down the father later), Hin has none of that, in fact he’s even more desperate to make it to writing by doing BL because he is suffering from lack of wealth and prominence in the industry. Nubsib is given semi permission to do whatever he wants, to change his name to do acting but he always has a place back home, he also as well has prominence and isn’t desperate either to have his acting dreams come through, because he can be protected and taken care of since he’s the heir of his father’s company. Aey has none of that, Aey’s family is toxic, forceful and abusive and he doesn’t have any choice but to cling to acting for freedom. You  seeing the similarities and use of mirroring in the show?

It’s really important because it again makes us understand why Gene and Nubsib are going to be probably victims of Hin and Aey who feel like they have no choice but to commit to their desperation and get rid of whatever will stop them. Gene and Nubsib don’t need to do that (though they have other problems) and instead actually take what they do a bit for granted, for example even if the BL industry is corrupted and Gene isn’t happy to write for it, he’s still making money, is being observed and talked about whilst Hin isn’t getting that and he wants to write BL authentically. It’s the same as Nubsib, although the industry makes him angry, he also takes for granted what he has, he’s not careful even when warned about how his actions with Gene could lead to the production of the show failing, he’s just set on Gene, again I agree with them but when you look at the fact that Aey has no choice but to be this way, to have the ship with Nubsib if he wants to survive and make it, Nubsib’s actions start to seem privileged, and selfish. This is why Lovely writer is a great show, none of the characters are all good, and none of them are all bad, it’s all about humans who have flaws and act like real life people with issues they need to grow from and learn from whilst dealing with the fear and pressure of the BL industry as a whole.

Again the villain of the show isn’t the characters it’s the industry its self, the system, the rules and the way things are done. That’s what the ultimate villains are here and also the traditional rules of society that entraps the characters (will get into this later).  Again the being rich and successful since his childhood might also explain why Gene doesn’t let people easily into his life, Gene may not trust people either because of his status, his family’s name, his reputation. Again it brings up the idea that he could be used when he’s vulnerable for something else and tricked and played with if people know his truths and insecurities and use them as weapons. You could also argue that Gene wants to run away from the rich things in life even though he is comfortable with how he lives (Plus he probably made enough money from Bad engineer to move out), it may also allude to Gene not wanting to be known for his father’s wealth and status, and the reason why he clings to writing so desperately is because he wants his own success, his own freedom, his own earnings from what he loves to do. One of the themes with all 4 characters especially Aey, Gene and Sib is Freedom, as much as ambition is important to them it’s because it’s the only way to get them to escape the life that they have been forced to grow up in  because of their parents, rules, obligations and demands. By finding their own paths, and clinging to it desperately they all find a space to breath, to be their true selves and have no chains holding them to other traditions, rules or jobs that they don’t want to be in.  

Fathers and their Traditions

Gene’s father seems like also a source of his insecurity in himself, he looks like he fills Gene’s head with worries and doubts and fear that he’s not doing what he’s meant to do. When the father suggests to Gene that he should return back home, I know that look on Gene’s face very well, it’s anxiety, worry and fake smile to find an excuse why that isn’t possible. Gene’s mind knows his father doesn’t approve even though he smiles and fakes his way of looking like he doesn’t mind who Gene is, what Gene does. But it’s starting to be clear the father is homophobic, in fact it’s so clear that he sends Gene of to boarding school when he’s 14 just because he thinks and fears that Gene may be queer, he also tries to bring Gene back home because it’s easier for him to stop Gene writing Bl then. In fact this is another theme of the episodes since we were introduced to Aey’s story, the mirroring of the fathers in the show. The fathers are starting to have a pattern, and it all points to tradition, obligations and conforming to societal norms.  All Nubsib, Gene and Aey have all ran away from home because of this pattern. They’ve all pulled away from their families to focus on their dreams, this also includes Hin though it’s unsure if his parents are as bad as the others or if they are supportive and understanding. Aey’s father is the most traditional and outspoken, hence he’s abusive, vile and obtuse with how he speaks to Aey. He chains his son down and punishes him because he tried to flee and find happiness and love (with a boy heaven forbid!) and when Aey’s lover wasn’t who he said he was, wasn’t faithful and and was a coward he uses that opportunity to constantly put shame and emotional abuse on Aey making him carry the burden and weight of the father’s manipulations, and making him feel alienated and alone with no one to trust. It’s disgusting and it was horrifying.  Now Gene’s father is different, also manipulative on the surface but doesn’t show it outright to his son who though has been imbedded with the same insecurities and self-deprecation when he thinks he’s not fulfilling what is seen as right/ traditionally normal.

This is probably why Gene does have these  secret avoidances of who he was for a while, because he already had a vibe from his father since the childhood days, he probably understood later that his dad intentions made him feel alienated from what he wanted to do, and what he felt comfortable with. This is why when his father keeps silent whilst others are praising his show, and book he notices but keeps silent, because he knows he will soon go back to writing in his own home comfortable and himself with Nubsib. Nubsib’s father is not yet introduced but from what we have heard of him, he also falls into the line of responsibility and obligation because Sib is going against his fathers wishes by choosing to chase after Gene and become an actor, he’s breaking away from the tradition in his family preparation to take over his father’s company. Likewise we see that when Sib was a child he was also like Aey abused by being forced to give into pressure of doing what is seen as right and appropriate for a rich child. He was abused by his piano teacher and his mum turned an eye, refused to listen to him and punished him each time he tried to be free from that. Again although Sib’s father isn’t there, his absence shows what his role is too, he felt just as stifled by his father as his mother and he wanted to get away from it all. Gene was his escape from that, from all the duties, obligations, and neglect. They found each other and both ran away to play in an imaginary world together,  this kickstarted Gene’s love for creativity and writing, but also kickstarted Sib’s devotion to Gene who paid attention and showed him love and care. So the parents are tied to this theme of entrapment, and force and order,  with closed mindsets, ignorance and old fashioned ideas about what real ambition is, they become obstacles to their children’s pursuit for purpose, freedom and love. They are also the second villains of the show because they represent that idea of society and it’s traditional conformist norms being a barrier to people’s liberty of self. A theme always readily explored in the BL genre.

MhokAey: Fantasy of Love vs Resentment of Trust

We need to discuss about Aey and Mhok. A lot has happened to them since I wrote my previous analysis. Including the whole reveal that what they are is more than just friends but it threads a line between unrequited and toxic requited feelings. There’s a lot of confusing feelings about them, a lot of angst and drama and hate and mistrust to do with their story. Mhok is at the center of this. I remember analysing his character using Bad engineer mirroring outline that he was like the character he plays Tawan, he’s also like a second lead romantic interest for Aey, he comes second but he’s devoted to making sure Aey is safe and he’s devoted to trying ensure Aey doesn’t snap or leave his humanity and morality behind. Mhok and Aey like Gene and Nubsib (surprise surprise they also mirror them, with same themes and ideas) have known each other since they were children, Aey was cruel and heartless at that time due to the pressures of the environment he was in (from the father’s pressure and Aey being submissive to his father’s wishes) because of this Aey seems to have been angry, hurtful and callous all the time, including to Mhok who watched him and feared for his state. However Aey later finds freedom and happiness as he falls in love with Time, Time makes Aey finally want to give up all the pressure and obligations and be himself, except Time wasn’t who he said he was and when Aey’s father posed an obstacle after Aey’s jealous sister outed him (though I think she’s not the only person behind this I’ll explain), Time ran away with the money they saved up and left Aey damaged, broken hearted and destroyed.

Sadly what happened next is Aey also found Mhok to be part of this family’s bretrayal, and so he avoided Mhok and thought Mhok is using him to try and be seen as a good son/son in law to his wealthy family. The reason is why would Aey think Mhok is to blame? Unless in doing something stupid as always to protect Aey, in maybe knowing Time wasn’t who he said he was, and in anguish of his unrequited love for Aey, Mhok is the one who outed Aey to Earn which then led tothe catalyst? Why not? We don’t know his role during the time, Time was in Aey’s life, for someone who seems utterly devoted and possessive and at times jealous about Aey’s love interests (this includes him being jealous each time Aey and Sib interact or kiss), Mhok in order to protect Aey, his goal by the way, probably told Earn to find a way to stop it from happening but Earn hated Aey and used it as an opportunity to kick him out and make him lose his beloved son status because she was jealous. This is why Mhok cannot speak up when the father berates Aey about Time because he’s the one who probably started it.

We see that for Aey’s safety and ensuring he doesn’t go too far with his anger and callousness, Mhok goes behind his back constantly warning others about Aey’s motives (this irked me because the way he describes Aey as like this monstrous scary creature makes me wonder why he would think Aey could trust what he sees in him as love). Mhok tells Gene to be careful of Aey, he takes the blame and says he would take the fall if anything happens, it shows that even though he says Aey is awful, he’s happy when Aey shows some sort of vulnerability or selflessness but it also shows he does love Aey unconditionally. But how can Aey trust Mhok if he is connected to the Time situation, if he doubts Mhok’s goals and he understands what Mhok thinks of him and says of him to others. Of course he wouldn’t trust Mhok because everyone makes Aey feel like a monster, his father does this every day, everyone says they know he’s awful, cruel and callous, they know he can hurt people, they tell him this, and Aey holds on to this, he believes this is how people see him and in order to survive and get what he wants he has to manipulate others and be seen as kind and vulnerable on the surface to not suffer the same pain he goes through with his family and the people who judge him on his past . See how Mhok’s unrequited love borders on toxicity as well?

In order to make Mhok suffer because of his thirst for vengeance, and his bitterness and pain of feeling betrayed by him Aey kisses Mhok and pulls away pretending to be unaffected. Of course he is like this, he’s filled with anger, hate and distrust of everyone his goal is to hurt the ones who hurt him even if he senses that there is an attraction, there is vulnerability and authenticity with himself when he’s with Mhok. There’s a weakness which is why he succumbed for a while with the kiss and the hug, Aey was in pain and some part of him trusted Mhok’s embrace, but it switched back because of fear. For Aey Love is a fantasy for him, because love has caused him nothing but pain, the only way he can use love now is to manipulate and escape the clutches of his family and survive and be free. Love isn’t the goal anymore, so he uses the fantasy of BL love which fans cling to, to make people love him, to make people praise him, and in order to do so he focuses on Gene as an obstacle to him and Nubsib’s fake relationship. Without Nubsib the show won’t be a success, if the show isn’t a success he’ll be seen as a failure and his father would be proven right, and without success he’d be left alone, tired, abandoned and betrayed. See why he’s more desperate than Nubsib when it comes to acting? Gene mocks BL and says it’s a fantasy of love, and with Aey he’s right, Aey uses the industry’s idealism of the corrupt fantasy of BL love to get his gain. But can you blame him? And is Mhok really doing right in his aim to protect Aey from going past the edge?

The reason why we get Gene’s mum talk about authentic LGBTQ movies and then have Gene say that BL shouldn’t be part of that is exactly what Tee is trying to call out as the director of the show. But Tee is using Lovely Writer to be a place for representation conversations, we have had conversations about internalised homophobia, coming out, sexuality, authenticity of relationships,  we’ve had consent shown by the main couple so Tee is very serious about representation and trying to make this show a medium where things are serious and done correctly. Yes Mhok and Aey are very toxic for now because even though they representing authenticity of love, because there is something they both can’t control that is connecting them to each other, they’ve known each other for so long and can’t help but be tied together because of those feelings. Mhok is devoted to Aey even though he acts opposite at times, but because he doesn’t know how to show love accurately, he fails repeatedly with how he tries to show love, trying to fit in the situation with logic but also trying to hide behind the scenes so he can keep an eye on Aey, on the situation, so he can have control over it. Mhok has certain stereotypical ideas about Aey imbedded from their childhood together making him know Aey is manipulative, cold and mean but despite the fact that he thinks this way, he just thinks Aey can have a chance to turn around and truly be happy by forgiving others and himself. Mhok knows he loves Aey for who he is but at the same time, he dislikes that Aey is morally grey and he wants to stop Aey from making more mistakes to himself, to protect everyone around Aey that may be hurt in the crossfire of his bitterness. Because Aey has been burned by the pressure and betrayal of the family dynamics he has, he becomes also without meaning to a version of the person he hates; his father, he becomes manipulative, sneaky, and aggressive with how he does things. It also makes sense that as he was suffocating when he was younger that he turned colder and meaner because he needed somewhere to let out the hurt and pressure of being the perfect child and perhaps Mhok really was hurt by this with that action. His character makes sense to me because it’s not okay but it’s understandable. Mhok knows Aey in and out, in fact he knows Aey’s family is toxic and so does what he does to show love by being  chameleon like and putting himself directly into the family, hiding to try and find a way to protect Aey from the dynamic, this is why Aey misunderstands that he’s trying to replace him and please the father, get into their good graces to take his place but Mhok is doing it for Aey.

The themes about trying to find out what’s authentic and what’s not, manipulation and masks in order to hide and be near the one they love mirrors Nubsib and Gene’s romance path too, this is why I said their outlines mirror each other, whilst Aey like Gene feels hurt by the fakery and feels mocked by the mask of Mhok/plans of Sib, Gene and Nubsib have managed to communicate and reach an understanding about the truth about their relationship.

The Authenticity of Lovely Writer

So there’s a theme/question about the fantasy of love for these two couples because at a point both Gene and Aey doubt that the love of their partners is real, they believe it’s a trick, fake, joke.  That they’re both doing this for power, to have control over their weakness and vulnerability to use that against them. Gene is weary about people but finds himself automatically willing to trust and understand Nubsib because of what he represents to him safety, comfort and warmth, and freedom. Aey on the other hand has become jaded with love and finds Mhok instead as his place to hold resentment, anger and pain for the past. No matter how much he wants to try and move on, try and hope for a better dynamic (as we saw he tried in episode 4),  they constantly shatter that hope and by episode 4 he’s done, and also includes Mhok with that memory. So Aey and Mhok are in a toxic state because there is no chance for communication, no revealings of truths, and Aey is in a broken mindset, resentful of himself, resentful of everyone, and resentful of love.

In a way the fantasy of love is a  perfect theme for Lovely Writer, since Gene is meant to learn that BL is only corrupt because own voices aren’t there to help write serious stories or avoid problematic tropes. As Gene falls in love with Sib, he realises that just because things may seem fake or shallow doesn’t mean that they are, you need to be open, to think about it in a different point of view, you need to also learn to accept the truths and overcome your prejudice and stigma with those things. It’s important to note that although Nubsib starts of using inauthentic means, his love for Gene is real, which is ultimately what Gene accepts in episode 7. It’s real and he should stop running away from what he’s feeling just because of old fears and worries that it’s wrong for him to be his true self and love what he loves. I hope we get to see Aey go through his own journey to this too, as he’s about to fall even more and regress with his anger and desperation, I hope Mhok does more than just sitting behind the scenes if he really wants his goal to be to save Aey from his self and resentment. Mhok needs to be braver, to show up and make Aey see the truth about what he feels, just like Sib did with Gene. Because at the end of the day if the love is authentic and true, Aey won’t be able to avoid the truth, Aey won’t be able to hide or run anymore like Gene was doing, Aey would want to start slowly hopefully stop seeing Love as just a fantasy but something real. Obviously we’re more half way through and this means the big guns are going to be out. It’s time to tackle the villains, to see them shed their skin and show their true colours, It won’t be easy and we may have some regressions because of fear but our couples will overcome it and find them selves through it, at the end of the day hopefully they end up getting their freedom, love and happiness. As for now I continue to love this show, and I continue to praise it’s depth and meta. Let me know your opinions on the episodes so far. What do you think about MhokAey and SibGene,who’s more pitiful? Let me know.