#you're not cool enough for our mom

[attractthecrows]

entertaining myself by inflicting bastard children on my faves

[satan-incarnate-666]

have i mentioned how insane the concept of romance is when youre a muslim yet orrr

[weebsinstash]

I'm not typically a fan of pregnancy au stuff for hazbin because it introduces a hell lotta new questions, but anyways, I DO find it absolutely entertaining thinking about a Reader who did the nasty with Alastor and had kind of a friends-with-benefits situation with him and he does his whole 7 year disappearing act without warning you or telling you anything at all (assumedly because he did not have a choice or opportunity) and he comes back, knocking on your front door, "say, doll! What's say we mosey on over to our old favorite jazz club to catch up on old times?"

and suddenly peeking out from behind your back is just the cutest little fawn with a head full of curls who is very clearly Alastor's son, clutching at your apron, "Mama, isn't he the man you listen to those old recordings of? He sounds the same"

Alastor feeling this, this WARMTH in his chest as you invite him inside your home and it's completely different from the last time he was there, filled with everything your son could need, his drawings and report cards from that nice school you break your back to afford stuck lovingly on the fridge and a hot home-cooked meal currently cooling on the stove as Alastor's invited for some food... if he feels comfortable. You and him discuss privately where your son can't hear as you get all weepy, "I'm sorry, but when you disappeared, I couldn't... ASK you what you would have wanted... I didn't want to have some kind of, of PROCEDURE and you hate me for it... and even from the very first scan, I loved him so much... he's my entire world... I couldn't even CONSIDER... getting rid of him. He's my beautiful smart baby boy and i would die for him"

Genuinely I think it would be real funny if Alastor is initially quite jealous actually for having to share you with a CHILD, but the more time he spends around the young boy, the more he realizes, oh, this is quite the upstanding young fellow! His mama raised him right and he likes to help around the house, likes to read lots of books, loves all kinds of music, helps his mother on all the crosswords and word searches and puzzle books, and he's smart enough to suss out pretty quickly, "sir are you my father"

and the second your son receives an answer, just, KICKING THE RADIO DEMON IN THE SHIN, "You're a horrible man!! You call yourself a gentleman but you left my mama to raise a baby all by herself!! You're terrible! Incorrigible! Disrespectful! Untoward!--" Your young son is breaking out the goddamn dictionary and synonyms on this man, "you lying, deceitful, devious, DEPLORABLE--"

And Alastor is watching this little kid threaten to beat his ass and not even caring that he's up against The Infamous Radio Demon, just shouting at Alastor until the young boy is absolutely changing colors in the face, getting SO SO upset for his mama that he's ready to FIGHT OVER IT, and Alastor is just, essentially, breaking out into laughter, "oh, so you ARE my son!! Aren't you a gutsy one!! Put JUST a little force behind that next one and it might actually sting a bit!" and pats the boy on the head. That settles it; he's accepted as Alastor's son like THAT

Of course, Alastor now caring for this boy does not come without its... complications. There might be some 'incidents' if you, for example, have other positive role models for your son, other men who are regularly coming around, making Alastor's new position as the boy's father and your not-quite-husband (yet) feel threatened and unstable and encouraging the Radio Demon to 'act out'. You're so happy to have Alastor back in your life that you don't even notice things are a little off until your son starts mentioning things like "Mama where did Mr Thomas go? He used to come by every Thursday to play chess but I don't remember seeing him for a while?" "Mama I know Benson has bullied me and pushed me down and stolen my things but I saw his mom crying outside the bookstore earlier saying he's gone missing and I think we should help look for him" "Mama I know Mr Alastor said we don't need her and he can teach me but I also like my old piano teacher. Could I have some lessons with her and some with Mr Alastor instead of just all of them with him? I miss Ms. Mason"

But like... you don't want to deny Alastor a relationship with his child after they both have already lost so much time and you don't want to deprive your son of his father without a good reason, so you stifle some of your suspicions. It's all for your son's sake, isn't it? And you can't help but, get a little selfish when Alastor insists on taking you and your boy out, going to see live bands, going to local events, taking your son to the county fair and you feeling tears in your eyes as, your boy finally gets to spend time with his father. It's like... it's like you're a real family... you've always wanted something like this, for him, for them, for yourself--

But... Alastor doesn't... see you THAT way, does he? He displays his emotions much differently than you, and there were even times in the past where Alastor himself drew the line in the sand that, oh yes you two were quite close friends, he has such a deep affection for you, but... romantically? Sorry, sweetheart, but no

... or so he thought. Now that he's back, he sees how deeply you love his son and sacrifice so much for him amd how much your son absolutely adores you and how, completely by yourself, without any of Alastor's help, you raised him into a fine young man that... the Radio Demon could see himself helping raise, a boy he can't help but feel a little pride in helping make and, can't help but feel a little sad he missed all sorts of important milestones for. And of course, of course of course of course, he missed YOU ever so much, and when Alastor looks up from his paper to see you at the stove, hair all out of place and your hands messy as you cook a meal for your son and his father, your little boy dutifully helping clean as you go, he can't help wish that THIS was how he spent his last 7 years.

Lucifer have mercy on anyone who tries to disrupt his new utopia of peace and tranquility. Could you even imagine, could you even fucking imagine you and Alastor are walking with your son and nearby TVs snap on and it's fucking Vox, showing your family on TV, talking shit to Alastor, using HORRIBLE language in front of your son--

And Alastor feels his love for you grow all the more as you use your own magic to surge through the television and begin strangling the newscaster right on the air, "DONT YOU DARE SHOW MY SON'S FACE ON TV YOU FUCKING--" and Alastor starts lovingly conversing with his son about how important it is to stand up for your family and your values as the pair of them watch you throw Vox around his recording studio in a frenzied rage, "You and your disgusting Vees always trying to peddle your worthless garbage to kids, you CREEPS!! BABIES DON'T NEED IPADS, RETINOL CREAMS, SKEEYEE DANCE ROUTINES, AND ATHLEISUREWEAR LEGGINGS THAT GO UP THEIR ASS, YOU CONSUMERIST IMMORAL SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING--"

Snapcut to you rejoining your family on the sidewalk with your hair a mess and visible blood on you while Vox is facedown on the floor in his broadcast unable to move before it cuts to a "technical difficulties, please stand by" screen. Alastor is oh so genuinely joyfully smiling, "Now who wants to go and get some waffles? I say we should celebrate any victory over our enemies with some tasty grub!!" and he takes you and your son's hands and is all but skipping down the sidewalk while his hated rival is bleeding out in his tower somewhere. Oh, Alastor will give the Television Demon his own revenge for daring to try and shame the lovely beautiful mother of his child and his beloved boy on that disgusting show. What kind of degenerate uses children for content, let alone threatens their safety? Alastor will be back for him later and do much, MUCH worse than you did.

For now, though? Alastor just wants to enjoy the sight of you and his son sitting in a booth with him while you all scarf down some hotcakes. A family of his very own, huh? How wonderful. If only his own mom were here to see it...

[starryblueeyesandstarryblueskies]

The Princess and The Pogue | J. M.

Pairing: JJ Maybank x reader

Summary: Your daughter comes home from school telling you about a local OBX fairytale. It turns out it’s about you and your husband.

Listen to But Daddy I Love Him for full experience

Requested by @idontevenknowbsblog

A/N: This turned out way longer and more angsty than I had anticipated but I’m a sucker for the angst. I just can’t help it. I’m sorry this took me a million years to finish!

As I am an adult, all characters I write for are written as adults. Any minor characters will be aged up to the general range of their actor’s age.

Warnings: allusions to domestic abuse, controlling parents, forced engagement, so much fucking angst, only kinda proofread

Word Count: 3.5k

~

Your daughter’s tiny feet press against the back of your seat as you head home after picking her up from school.

“Mia, stop kicking,” You laugh, “Mommy’s trying to drive.”

“Sorry, Mommy.” Your daughter giggles. “I’m just so happy today!”

“I’m so glad you're happy, Baby.” You smile at the five year old in the rearview mirror. “What did you do at school today?”

“We got to draw all our shapes today and we sang the alphabet song a bunch of times!”

“Ooh sounds like a fun day.”

She claps excitedly. “Oh and Kylie’s older sister told us a fairytale at recess!”

“A fairytale? Very cool. What was it about?”

“Did you know a princess used to live here? A long time ago. She ran away with a pogue because her evil king father wouldn’t let them be together.”

Your eyes widen at her words, a small smile forming on your face as she tells the story that takes you back to what seems like a lifetime ago.

-

“Mom, I’m headed out,” you yelled through the foyer.

“Ok, hun.” Your mom poked her head over the stairwell. “Just don’t stay out too late. We have that business lunch with the Cameron’s tomorrow and it’s very important that you be there.”

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” you promise, “besides I’m just going to hang out with Sarah.”

“We just love that you and Ward Cameron’s daughter are friends. It looks so good for your father’s business for the families to be close. Especially with you set to inherit the company someday.”

With Ward Cameron being the biggest real estate developer in the Outer Banks and your dad owning the biggest construction company, the two men worked closely on most of their deals. They were also the closest thing to friends that either of the men had. The two richest men in the island made for a powerful team.

“Glad I can help you keep up appearances,” you muttered under your breath.

“What was that, hun?”

“Always happy to help the family.” You gave your mother a forced smile and made your escape, slipping outside and into Sarah’s waiting car.

“Ready to go see your man?” She grins at you and you return the gesture.

“God, yes.“

-

You hadn’t expected to fall in love with JJ Maybank. Considering the very different lives the two of you led it was surprising the two of you ever even crossed paths, but that was one of the perks of being Sarah’s friend. When she fell in love with John B and got involved with the pogues she dragged you along with her.

It wasn’t like you had anything against the pogues. In fact, you had admired them from afar your whole life. Their freedom and adventures were something you envied, forever stuck in your kook bubble. You didn’t have a choice but to follow the plan your parents had created for you.

JJ, on the other hand, hated kooks with a passion. He had a hard enough time with Sarah joining the group and when she brought you in, arguably the even bigger kook princess with the even bigger kook king of a father, he vowed to himself he would never accept you. After all, you represented everything he hated, the life he always dreamed of but would never attain.

He would sneer and call you “princess”, his voice dripping with disdain, doing everything in his power to piss you off, but you didn’t mind. You loved his passion and the way he would do anything to protect the people he cared about. You ignored his insults, treating him just as well as you would anyone else.

Before he knew it, your soft words and beaming smile had softened JJ. He began to actually look forward to your presence in the group, feeling sad when you couldn’t get away from your parents to spend time with them. Then, one day the two of you were the only ones to show up to a pogue hang out. You ended up spending hours just talking and getting to know each other. The rest was history and you had been together from that day forward.

Unfortunately, you knew that your parents would never let you spend time around a pogue, let alone be in a relationship with one. So, like Sarah and John B, you and JJ had to keep your relationship hidden. Thanks to the help of the pogues, the two of you had been successfully seeing each other behind your parents’ backs for over a year.

-

“I’ll be back to pick you up at 8:00,” Sarah reminds you. She pulls up to the little cove where you and JJ liked to meet. “We only have a couple of hours tonight because of that lunch tomorrow. Don’t want our families to get suspicious.”

You nod. “Got it. I’ll see you then.” You slip out of her car. “Tell John B I said hi.”

“Will do.”

She pulls away as you make your way around the rocks hiding the entrance to your spot.

“Hi, princess.” Your boyfriend grins at you in the orange light of the sunset, pulling you into a hug.

“JJ,” You breathe him in, soaking up the comfort he gives you. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, baby. Four days without you is four days too much.” JJ leads you over to the blanket on the sand, sitting back so you can settle between his legs.

“I know. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t get away much this week. My parents are going crazy about this lunch tomorrow.”

“Aren’t they always crazy?” JJ jokes, poking your side. You squirm a little bit, trying to escape his prodding.

“I mean, yeah. They’re just extra crazy this week.” You settle further into his chest, JJ giving up his attack in exchange for wrapping his arms securely around you. He nuzzles his head into the side of your neck. “But, it’s okay because at least we have right now.”

“How long do we have until Sarah comes back to pick you up?”

You let out a sigh. “Two hours.”

“That’s it? Damn.”

“I’m sorry, J.” You look back apologetically, but he just shakes his head.

“Hey, don’t apologize. We just have to make the most of the time we have, like usual. It won’t be like this forever.”

“Right.” You give him a small smile, turning back to face the sunset before he can see the doubt in your eyes. You hoped JJ was right, but you had no idea how things would ever change.

As expected, your time together flew by too quickly and before you knew it Sarah was back to take you home.

JJ was reluctant to let you out of his embrace. “We’re still on for tomorrow night, right? After you finish up with all your kook business?”

“Of course, baby. I wouldn’t miss it.” You give him one last goodbye kiss, distracting him long enough to slip out from his arms. He pouts, but lets you go, knowing if it was your choice you would never leave.

-

You stare numbly at the wall, unable to will yourself to move from your position balled up on the bed. You aren’t sure how long you've been laying there looking at nothing. You didn’t feel anything, having cried out all your tears hours ago. A buzzing sounds from the other side of the room, your phone going off once again, but you don’t pick it up. It’s probably Sarah calling again to see if you’re okay after what happened at lunch. You’re not.

Having sat in silence for so long, you jump when you hear a rattling at your window. It takes you a minute to clamber over to the window with the lights out in your room. You hadn’t realized how dark it had become outside.

You peek out warily, trying to determine the source of the noise. “Shit.” You mumble under your breath as you realize JJ is perched in the tree closest to your room.

You unlatch the door so he can climb inside, turning away from him quickly. You’re thankful for the darkness in that moment as you scramble to make yourself look presentable, flattening your hair and wiping at your face. You pull down the sleeves of the massive sweatshirt you’re wearing, one you stole from JJ months ago, making sure you are completely covered.

“JJ, what are you doing here,” you whisper, “What if someone sees you?”

“I was worried about you. You were supposed to meet me hours ago, remember?” He sounds frustrated.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I totally forgot.” You run your hand down your face stressed. “I didn’t mean to stand you up.”

“You forgot? Y/N, I’ve been calling and texting for hours.” JJ moves closer, but you step back. “I thought something bad had happened.”

He takes another step back. Again you back away, trying to keep him from seeing your face. Brows furrowed, JJ moves towards you again. This time you can’t move away fast enough, bumping your dresser as you try to get away.

“Woah, wait.” JJ takes your face in gentle hands. “Have you been crying?”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.” You try to pull away, but he doesn’t let you off that easily.

“Baby, what’s going on? Is it something I did?” The worry in his eyes brings a fresh wave of tears to your eyes. You shake your head, willing them not to fall.

“No, no. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Something with Sarah?” You shake your head again.

“Your parents?” That stills you. “It is your parents. What is it? Did something happen at lunch?”

You don’t answer.

“Talk to me, baby. I can’t make it better if I don’t know what’s wrong.” JJ’s voice is so sincere and his touch so soft. He really thinks he’ll be able to fix whatever the problem is.

You gather your strength and gently pull away from him, not wanting to see the look in his eyes when you tell him.

“My father and Ward Cameron have decided that it is in the best interest of their respective businesses for our families to be officially joined.”

“What on earth does that mean?”

You feel like you're going to be sick, but you force the words out anyway. “I am set to be married to Rafe Cameron.” You keep your eyes on the floor, waiting for JJ’s response. He stays silent.

“I had no idea they had this planned until my parent’s announced it at lunch.”

“What do you mean you’re marrying Rafe Cameron?” He tries to keep his voice calm. But you can hear the venom behind his words anyway. “You can’t just marry Rafe.”

“I don’t have a choice, JJ. They practically signed my ownership papers over to Rafe right there.”

JJ is pacing your room now, hands constantly running through his hair. “He can’t just do that. You’re an adult, Y/N. Tell him no.”

“I can’t tell him no JJ.” He stops in front of you, the look on his face half shock half anger.

“What are you talking about? You can’t just tell me that your father is marrying you off to Rafe and not even try to fight him on it.” You turn from his intense gaze, unable to handle it any longer.

‘Y/N-” JJ reaches for your arm to turn you around and you flinch back hissing in pain. Your sleeve rides up, revealing a number of dark bruises.

“I tried talking him out of it, JJ. He made it clear saying no wasn’t an option.”

JJ seethes, body tense with anger. “He hurt you.” It’s not a question which is just as well because you have no response.

“I’m gonna kill him.” He growls.

You lay your palms flat against his chest. “No, you’re not. We can’t make this situation any worse than it already is.”

“He can’t just get away with this!” JJ’s voice rises with his anger and you shush him quickly, looking back at your door.

“Please, Y/N.” His voice cracks on your name. “Things can’t just end like this.”

The pain in his words breaks your heart. You let the tears fall freely, unable to hold back the emotion any longer.

“I’m so sorry, JJ.” He cradles your face in his hands like he did at the beginning of the night. “There’s nothing either of us can do to change this.” JJ brushes his thumbs against your cheeks, brushing at the tears. “You should go.”

“No, Y/N.” He has tears running down his face too. “I can’t leave you like this.”

“Please, JJ. You have to go before something wakes him up. I don’t know what he’ll do if he finds you here.”

JJ’s eyes flit down to your wrists, taking in the bruises once more before he nods slowly. He won’t be the reason your father hurts you again. You lips press against his slowly, both of you pouring all the love you have for each other into the kiss.

“I love you,” you whisper against his lips.

“I love you, too. Always.”

With those last words, he slips back out your window, closing it quietly behind him. You watch as he climbs back down the tree and crosses the property. As he finally fades out of blue, you sink down to your floor, your knees unable to hold the weight of your body as it’s wracked with sobs.

-

You don’t leave your room for days. All you can do is lay in your bed and cry, mourning the loss of the man you love and the life you had planned.

If it was up to you, you would never leave that room. Unfortunately, your parents have other plans. They parade you and Rafe all over town, making sure everyone on the island knows the two of you are “madly in love” and engaged to be married in the spring. The whole pageantry of it makes you sick.

The cherry on top of the whole ordeal is the engagement party that you parents planned for the weekend. They rented out the whole club and invited every kook on the island. You’re pretty sure it’s your own personal hell.

Sarah pins one last curl to your head. “Done. You look beautiful.”

You give her a small smile that didn’t reach your eyes. “Thanks, Sarah.” You were dressed in a white sundress that your mother had bought for the party and Sarah had done your hair and makeup to perfection. The whole look was stunning, but you just feel like a trophy being shown off.

Sarah gives you a sympathetic look. “You ready for this?”

“No. But I have to be.”

It takes everything in you to keep a smile pasted on your face as Rafe takes your hand and leads you out to the throng of people. Everyone smiles and hugs you, offering their congratulations. You do your best to seem gracious and excited, but all you feel is emptiness and the faces move before you in a blur.

You make it two hours into the party before you can’t take it any longer. The panic that has been creeping up your throat all night takes hold and you have to break away. You excuse yourself from Rafe, claiming a need to run to the bathroom. He gives you a harsh look and makes you promise to hurry back, but ultimately lets you go.

You hurry away from prying eyes, not letting yourself break until you get inside. Chest heaving, you gulp down air like you’ve just run a marathon. One of your hands is pressed against your chest, the other braced against the walls to hold you up as you stumble towards the bathroom.

Before you can make it more than a few feet an arm catches you around the waist, pulling you into an alcove you had never noticed. You stumble back, trying to pull yourself together, not wanting whoever grabbed you to see your harried state.

“Hey, hey. It’s just me.”

Familiar hands rub up and down your arms, grounding you. You look up to see the blue eyes that you love so much.

“JJ,” you whisper, breaths still coming fast and hard.

“It’s okay, baby. Just breathe.”

JJ holds you close as you will your body to calm, feeling safe for the first time all night.

“What are you doing here?”

“I had to see you, talk to you.”

You sigh, looking at him with sad eyes. “As happy as I am that you’re here, you have to go. If anyone sees you. My father, or Rafe-”

“What if you didn’t have to worry about them anymore?”

“JJ, we’ve been over this. I can’t break this engageme-”

“What if we just left? You and me. Right now.” His eyes bore into yours, willing you to see the possibility.

You can’t act like you haven’t had the same thought yourself, but you just didn’t see how it would be possible. “How would that work, JJ? My father controls my whole life. My money, my future, everything.”

“You don’t need anything he has to give you, Y/N.” His voice is pleading.

“JJ…”

“We can figure it out. You have a degree, I have experience. We’ll get jobs. We’ll make it work.” He reaches a hand into his pocket. “I know I can’t give you a life like this-”

“I don’t want a life like this.”

“-but I will do everything in my power to give you a good life, to make you happy.” He holds up a simple, beautiful band of silver. “Will you marry me?”

You stare up at him with wide eyes. “Are you serious?”

“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. Say you’ll marry me. We can leave right now. I have a plan to get us off the island. Your parents won’t know until it’s too late. Just say yes, please.”

“Yes, yes.” You nod vigorously. “I’ll marry you.”

You rip off the gaudy ring currently on your hand and JJ replaces it with the silver band. He kisses you so deeply you think you see stars.

“I love you, JJ Maybank,” you whisper when you part.

“I love you too, Y/N Y/L/N, so much.”

You could stay in that moment forever, but you both know you don’t have time to waste. JJ begins to pull you to a side exit, but you stop him. There’s one last thing you have to do before you leave.

You find a piece of paper, scribbling out a few quick words and titling to your father.

Have fun explaining to the Cameron’s that your daughter ran off with a pogue

Y/N Y/L/N

You set the folded paper on the center table, placing Rafe’s ring next to it.

“Ready to get off this island?”

You grab JJ’s hand. “God, yes.”

-

JJ was right, the two of you figured it out. You both found jobs on the mainland and created a happy life for yourselves. You and JJ got married a few months after you ran off and Mia came along a few years later.

You had kept in touch with the pogues of course and they let you know when your father and Ward Cameron’s businesses had come crashing down, forcing the two men off the island. They had no power anymore, so eight years later you decided to move back to your home. People had gossiped at first, but they moved on to the next big thing when they realized that neither you nor JJ cared what they had to say. You wanted to be in the place where you grew up and fell in love, and you wanted Mia to be surrounded by the friends that you called your family.

Mia was just about bouncing in her seat by the time you got home. You hurried to get her out of her carseat so she could rush inside and see her dad. Friday’s were always her favorite because JJ got off work early and was already home by the time you brought her back from school.

She pulled you along by the hand as she continued on about her fairytale. “The evil king disappeared and they lived happily ever after.”

JJ scooped Mia up as the two of you entered the house, making the little girl squeal in delight.

“Daddy!”

“Who lived happily ever after, Mia-mine?” She giggled as he burrowed his face in her little belly.

“The princess and the pogue!”

JJ’s eyes met yours over Mia, giving you an intrigued look.

“Kylie’s older sister told her a fairytale at lunch about a couple that used to live on the island.” You tell him with a knowing grin.

“A fairytale? That’s awesome, baby.” JJ lowers Mia back down to her feet. “Hey, why don’t you go wash up and Mommy and I will make you a snack.”

“Okay, Daddy!” The little girl runs off happily.

You make your way to the kitchen, JJ coming up behind you and snaking his arms around your waist. “So the princess and the pogue, huh?” He smirks as you turn to face him.

“Who knew we’d become an OBX fairytale?” You reply.

“It makes sense. It doesn’t get much more ‘happily ever after’ than this. Right, princess?”

You give him a gentle kiss. “Right, pogue.”

~

Writing Masterlist

[redbullgirly]

HI BARBIE! HI KEN! [part 2, LH44 smau]

Lewis Hamilton x reader

Masterlist & Hi Barbie! Hi Ken! [part 1, LH44 smau]

Summary: Lewis and his "real life Barbie" girlfriend, Y/N Y/L/N, are enjoying each others company during winter break. February brings unexpected drama when the seven-time World Champion decides to leave his team... though is that the only surprise waiting for the fans?

Warnings: Little cliffhanger at the end, but don't worry, I plan on making part 3 soon enough :).

Author's Note: This is continuation of the Lewis x barbie!fashion!icon!reader request, hope you'll all like it. This time there wasn't so much of "barbie content", but I'm sure you won't mind. I honestly love this series, plus there are still many photos for me to use, so stay tuned and let me know if you want to be added to the taglist! :)

lewishamilton posted on instagram

liked by susie_wolff, yourusername, charles_leclerc and 1,210,564 others

tagged: yourusername and fencer

lewishamilton Happy holidays from our little trip to mountains 🏔

view all 6,928 comments

user1 I swear to God this is the first time I see Lewis in snow

user2 ikr? like can he even sky? isn't it dangerous for him as an f1 driver??😭

yourusername merry christmas everybody, love u!!🎄🫶

liked by the author

user3 Very happy and merry Christmas to you too Y/N🥰

user4 yeah yeah... but where's the usual christmas post y/n?!

user5 that's what I wanna know user5 😥

user6 She always posts the hot pics with their tree... and this year nothing ☹️

yourusername omg sry guys, i didn't think you'd care sm! i was actually sick on the christmas eve and didn't feel like celebrating 🙈💖

user4 ohhh that's totally okay y/n!!!!

user7 Thanks for replying, hope you'll get better soon!❤️‍🩹

charles_leclerc I see you're copying my training now😉

user8 lol charles just try not to fall on your face on ski

user9 no but can you imagine if we got Charles & Lewis training together in the mountains 😩

user10 It wouldn't even have to be in the mountains... I'd actually prefer them training somewhere hot so they don't have to wear shirts🤭

user9 i love your way of thinking girly

user11 King 👑

roscoelovescoco Mom's and dad's playing's in's the snow's ❄️

liked by the author and yourusername

user12 they left you home alone Roscoe?

roscoelovescoco Of course's not's... my auntie's watched's me's ☺️

user13 This is so adorable🥹🥹

user14 y'all don't understand how much I love their little family

user15 😘🖤✌️💯🌟

user16 y/n's ski suit looks so cool

fencer Good times man!

liked by the author and yourusername

user17 You are my God, Lewis Hamilton❤️

mercedesamgf1 Enjoy your holidays and don't break anything please!⛷🤍

yourusername trying!! 😊🌨

user18 lmfao

user19 Imagine if their best driver broke a leg or smth💀

user20 as a Lewis fan that'd be the last straw of my depression xd

user21 It's enough they couldn't build him a decent car last two years 🥲

user21 you & y/n are the best couple ever!🥰❤️

user22 Why's Lewis in red tho?

user23 sus 🤨

user24 some of you are truly bored and delusional🤣

user25 He probably has it so Y/N can see him on the slope and watches over him tbh

user26 idk where the narrative of lewis being bad at skying came from but i love it 😭

twitter

yourusername posted on instagram stories

seen by lewishamilton, haileybieber, danielricciardo, emmawatson and 562,983 others

lewishamilton replied to your story: Love you so much baby!❤️

yourusername love u too!!!💞

lewishamilton You are my brave girl, aren't you?

lewishamilton It's great you share your experience with others Y/N and trust me when I say I'll always be there for you 🫶🏾🫶🏾

yourusername awww lew, i know and i'll be always so grateful for it 🥰

lewishamilton Anything for my Barbie yourusername reacted with ❤️ to this message

user1 replied to your story: You and Lewis are just soooo cute omg

alexandrasaintmleux replied to your story: forever y/n!!🤍🌺

yourusername ofc!!!

yourusername you're probably the only reason i hope the negotiations w ferrari will work out 🙈🤭

alexandrasaintmleux oh yeah, it'd be great to have you in the garage next year 💕

yourusername yeah, let's see what happens in few weeks!

user2 replied to your story: so prettyyyyyy i wanna be u

user3 replied to your story: THE IT GIRL

landonorris replied to your story: The question isn't if you'll be at every gp but if you'll come to McLaren hospitality for one of them😏

yourusername pretty sure mercedes wouldn't be happy about that 🫣

landonorris Oh c'mmon Y/NNNN

landonorris You promised me like ten years ago you'd come

yourusername you were a literal baby ten years ago lando...

landonorris But a cute baby who deserves to have you in McLaren hospitality!!!

yourusername okay okay, i'll come for a visit this year 😽

landonorris ONE HAMILTON DOWN TWO TO GO💪

yourusername what?? 😭

landonorris I decided my life goal is to get you, Roscoe and Lewis to be my fans 😁😁

landonorris Lewis can wait till retirement ofc 😁😁

yourusername idk if i hate you or love you mr. worldwide

landonorris 🤷😙

user4 replied to your story: Mommy and daddy fr

user5 replied to your story: 😍

user6 replied to your story: Hope you'll heal soon if you're still sick!!!

yourusername posted on instagram

liked by bellahadid, lewishamilton, alexandrasaintmleux and 683,912 others

tagged: lewishamilton and roscoelovescoco

yourusername my job is beach 🦀🐬🐚🪸☀️ (btw how many emojis is too much??)

view all 4,068 comments

lewishamilton Isn't that supposed to be Ken's line darling?

yourusername theoretically... but i think i look better on the beach, don't you? 🤭🤷‍♀️

lewishamilton Well of course, your fashion taste when it comes to bikini is hard to beat ✨🫶🏾

yourusername damn are you saying i look hot in that bikini mr. hamilton? ☺️💞

lewishamilton It's Sir actually

yourusername oh shut up lew, i knew you're gonna bring it up 😭

landonorris I just witnessed Lewis openly flirting through instagram comments... the world won't ever be the same. I need to bleach my eyes 😓

yourusername yeah u should learn from my bf lando norizz

landonorris Heyyy this is online bullying, someone stop it

yourusername 😘😘

landonorris 🫤

user1 i have no idea what just happened but i loved every second of it

user2 It looks like when Lewis finally interacts with someone on instagram, it can get WILD

user3 not y/n using lando norizz 💀

user4 she's one of us now

user5 BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW SWEET Y/N & LEWIS ARE PLS?!!🥹

user6 Y/N living her best life and I'm here for it

francisca.cgomes enjoy!🌴

liked by the author

yourusername thx kika, you too!!💓

user7 On my knees for you🛐🛐🛐

roscoelovescoco The fruit's on's the plane's was yummy's 😋🥗

yourusername i definitely agree, let's thank dad for spoiling us!💖

lewishamilton My favourites deserve only the best 😉

user8 AWWWW so cute

user9 I'll never understand why rich people torture their pets like this... c'mmon, why would you give fruit to a dog? He needs meat and dog food. 🙄😤

user10 tf user9 you clearly don't know them at all if you think they're torturing Roscoe... this dog has better life than most of us lol xd

yourusername i'd just like to make it clear to everyone that me and lewis take the best care of our dog we possibly can, give him the food he wants and needs and love him dearly. it feels very offending for someone who doesn't see into our private life to assume we're "torturing" roscoe. you'll be blocked user9 and goodbye

liked by lewishamilton

user11 You know you fucked up when queen Y/N herself writes smth like this to you 🫢

user12 tell them girl!!! you & lew are literally the best parents to roscoe ever!!!❣️

user13 🔥😍

user14 THE BODY GIVING

kellypiquet Wow, the dress is so beautiful!💝

yourusername aww kelly thank you sm! definitely have to see each other soon 💕🫶

kellypiquet Can't wait for the girls talk!

user15 omg imagine listening to y/n y/l/n and kelly piquet casually having girls talk w each other 😫😫

user16 The tea has to be hot between the wags

user17 OMG, gorgeous as always 💖

user18 this couple has me in a chokehold

user19 RIGHT?! why is nobody talking about the 4th pic

user20 They're so hot fr 🥵

user21 and cute too🥺

user22 Love you Y/N 💋

lewishamilton posted on instagram

liked by nicolashamilton, naomischiff, tomholland2013, landonorris and 1,983,022 others

tagged: yourusername

lewishamilton It's always important to focus on happy memories and remember the good moments with your loved ones. Couldn't ask for better people around me 🤞🏾💫

view all 11,239 comments

user1 funny how he talks about positivity and then in the first picture he's holding middle fingers up lmfao XD

user2 Maybe he took Daniel's F.E.A. rule to his heart🤣

user3 what's that???

user2 Fuck 'em all

yourusername so lucky to have you around me lew! 🥰💗

liked by the author

user4 stoppp I love her

user5 I wanna have what they have😩

charles_leclerc 🤞💫

user6 Ariana what are you doing here?!

user7 Beautiful 🙌❤️

user8 ohhh lew w his dad it's so cute

user9 His dad and Y/N in the same post... we are getting fed rn

neymarjr Amen brother!🙏❤️

liked by the author

user10 I love their their friendship

user11 it's so unreal how the world is small and my fav football player is friends with my fav driver🤭

user12 THE MAN

user13 the second pic is adorable 🥹🥹

user14 I'm jealous but I don't know if I wanna be him or her

user15 honestly i wanna be the third person in their relationship... imagine dating y/n y/l/n & lewis hamilton all at once😩

user16 OMG REAL

user17 boyfriend lewis is my favorite 🫡

1st February 2024

yourusername posted on instagram

liked by scuderiaferrari, lewishamilton, maxfewtrell, t22felton and 3,340,276 others

yourusername guess it's time to change colours ❤️🍓🌹🏎

view all 29,650 comments

scuderiaferrari Welcome to the team, Y/N!❤️‍🔥🏎

user1 you'll make our fav wag depressed next year lol

user2 Ferrari made a master move here 👏

user3 welcome y/nnnnn 🥰

user4 I'm still shocked

user5 me too sis😭

user6 We all are 😃

user7 🔥🔥

user8 when the gf is posting about it, we know it's not just a joke anymore😥

user9 FORZA FERRARI

user10 omg me & y/n y/l/n will be fans of the same team!!!!

user11 literally the only good thing about this

alexandrasaintmleux red looks gorgeous on you 💋💋

yourusername on both of us babe 💋💋

user12 BESTIES

user11 okay this is another good thing about the whole lewis situation xd

user13 Y/N and Alex will be so iconic next year 🙇‍♀️

user14 literally life goals to be like them😍

user15 So excited for this🤩 favorite driver and favorite team and favorite wag🤝

user16 idc about ferrari, but y/n in red slays

user17 omg yessss she's so hot in that dress🥵

charles_leclerc And now you can't make fun of me and my therapist 😘

liked by the author

user18 LOL

user19 not him admitting he goes to therapy bc of ferrari💀

user20 What about Carlos?? You said you come as a package 😡😪

user21 so true user20 it's so disrespectful towards carlos

user22 Guys calm down, this is their job and it's known for brutal driver switches. You'll have to deal with it, it's not personal business 🤷‍♂️

user23 yeah i don't think they're such good friends anyway... it was all for pr and marketing lmao

user24 I agree that it's just a sport, but pls don't do this to my charlos heart... their friendship HAS to be real😓

user25 Always support u and your boyfriend😉😉😉🙌🙌🙌

user26 Carlos deserved so much more!

user27 yes but she can't do anything about it girl, she's literally just dating Lewis 😐

user28 "Everybody is a Ferrari fan. Even if they say they're not, they are Ferrari fans." Vettel❤️

user29 i did not think it was real

user30 I need Lewis to comment something about this other than his statement pls 😭

user31 yeah i had high hopes bc he always comments and interacts w y/n's posts...

user32 Guess not this time😒

user33 Y/N unleashing more waves of chaos

user34 and we love our barbie for that 🤭

messages between Y/N and Lewis

THE END

Author's Note: Thank you for reading this! I'll appreciate likes, reblogs, comments, follow and any other way of support. Also, I started my taglist, so if you want to be added or removed, let me know! That way you!ll be first to know that another smau or story came out :). Sorry for the cliffhanger at the end, but don't worry, I plan on making another part. Have a great day!

Taglist: @namgification @bloodyymaryyy

[golbrocklovely]

privacy please // colby brock

A/N: me, posting more than once a month??? INCREDIBLE. i was midway thru writing "let's fall in love for tonight" when this idea popped into my head and i just had to write it down. part of this is inspired by a tiktok i saw of a girl talking about a time she was hooking up with a guy. i wish i could find the tiktok and share it with you all bc the moment she said what she said.... i just knew i had to include it in a fic at some point lol so shoutout to that girl. this is a short fic/blurb bc i have some other fics lined up that are gonna be full blown smut so i don't want to tucker myself out writing smut only. and if you see me using what happens in this fic in other fics.... say nothing sksks lmk what you think and i'll see you guys next time <3

prompt: you and colby just want some privacy, but the only place you can get it is in his car. || fem!reader x colby brock

trigger warning: light smut (no actual sex), cursing, making out in a car, fluff, already established relationship

word count: 1363

~~~~~~~~

"This is so ridiculous." Colby groaned, pulling away from our kiss.

I giggled, staring up at his annoyed face. "No it's not, it's kinda fun."

"How is this fun? I feel like I'm gonna pull a hamstring." He scoffed.

I sassed him, rolling my eyes. "Well, it's your fault you don't have a car big enough for your five foot eleven ass."

"I don't think I was meant to lay out horizontally in my car." He replied back, just as snarky.

"Well, blame Toyota," I sat up on my elbows, huffing. Does he think I'm comfortable in this cramped back seat? "Or better yet, Sam and Kat for wanting to have their friends over when all we want to do is fuck."

"Maybe if you weren't so loud, we could have sex in my room without everyone knowing." Colby raised an eyebrow at me daringly. I could see his bottom lip quiver as he tried to hold back a laugh.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You never seemed to have a problem with my screaming before. I'll gladly remember next time you're begging me to say your name to be quiet."

He gasped, legitimately upset. "Begging?! I don't beg."

"'C'mon baby, say my name.'" I mocked in a deep voice. "What's that sound like to you?"

"Commanding!" He barked.

"Not when you're breathy it ain't!" I jeered sarcastically.

Colby sat up quickly, pouting jokingly. He kept my legs on his lap, his hands cupping my ankles. I sighed deeply, smiling up at the ceiling of the car. "Are you really not enjoying this?"

He chuckled, the 'tension' in the car defusing. "I enjoy any time I get to be alone with you."

I hummed, "Good to know. I think this is kinda exciting. It feels like I'm a teenager again, sneaking around with a boyfriend my mom doesn't know about."

"Am I, like, your edgy boyfriend?" He questioned, side eyeing me.

"Oh yeah. You have tattoos, wear all black, curse, drink..." I gasped, "Oh my God, you're, like, so cool."

Colby bit his lip, staring at me intensely. "Get over here."

He grabbed my wrists lightly, pulling me up. I straddled him, a soft grunt falling from his lips as a I settled onto his lap. "Much better." He murmured.

I studied his face for a moment, taking in all the little details I could. The way his hair fell, covering his forehead. The lovely shape of his eyebrows, manicured without him trying - which was honestly the most annoying thing about him. He also had surprisingly long eyelashes for a man, something I was jealous about as well. His eyes - which of course were to die for. So blue and deep. I had stared into them so many times I had lost count. I never saw the end of them, never studied them long enough to know every intricate detail about them. I don't think there would ever be enough time to do that.

"Hi." Colby whispered, softly smiling.

A light blush came to my cheeks, "Hi."

My hands cupped his face sweetly, his eyes closing at the feeling. I gazed at his cheeks; how adorable they were. I would try my best to remind him that even though he didn't like them himself, I enjoyed his "chubby" cheeks. His dimples. Oh my GOD, his dimples. If I could, I would take a picture of every time I was able to make his dimples appear. I would fill a whole photo album of just his face smiling. And I can't forget his nose. His nose was so... masculine, in an interesting way. It fit his face perfectly. Angular with a slight point.

And then of course his lips. I've had dreams of just kissing him. Of just staring at his mouth. Sometimes it's hard to pay attention to him when he talks because all I can think about is his lips and what they've done to me, and what they plan to do.

He laced his fingers through mine, finally breaking the silence in the car. "What's going on in that head of yours? You look so lost in thought."

"I'm just... looking at you." I confessed.

"You like what you see?" He mumbled.

"Love." I emphasized.

He nodded his head, his eyes filled with adoration. He rested his forehead against mine, our lips brushing. His hand slid out of mine, meeting his other on the small of my back. "You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me."

"The feeling is completely mutual." I agreed.

"Good to know...." He leaned in and pecked my lips gently, almost taking my breath away. He pushed my body into his, pressing me as closely as he could. I deepened the kiss, my fingers tugging on his hair. His tongue slid into my mouth, a moan leaving my lips. My hips naturally grinded down onto him, his hands gripping my waist a little harder from the friction.

He moved his mouth from mine, kissing down my neck and finding the perfect spot in seconds. I lulled my head back, allowing him to attack my neck with his lips and tongue and teeth. I whimpered, my hips bucking against his. He pushed his up, grinding just against the right spot to make my breath hitch. I could feel him getting harder under me, pressing against me in the most sinful way. His hands drifted to my thighs, rubbing up and down them.

"You know..." Colby chimed in, breathlessly. "I really love these fishnets."

I uttered, in a daze. "Wha-?"

He continued his motions, causing goosebumps to form on my skin, "I really like that you wear fishnets. They look so sexy on you."

I cleared my throat, finally able to think again. "Um, thank you."

"It's too bad they just take forever to get off." He somewhat grumbled, dropping his head.

I shrugged halfheartedly. "Yeah, I guess."

"How many pairs do you have?" He asked, looking back up at me.

"Of fishnets? Like five or so." I guessed.

Colby nodded. "And how much was this pair?

"What?" I squinted at him, confused. He blinked, wanting me to continue. "Uh, they were like $25."

"Okay...." He paused, his hands resting on top of my thighs. "Remind me to pay you back."

Before I could say anything, Colby's grip tightened on the fishnets. His fingers laced through the holes in the material. He pulled his arms back, ripping the fishnets with ease. I shuttered at his action, gasping in awe, anger, and lust at seeing him tear them without any problems. Feeling them rip from my body, my skin now exposed, caused heat to rush to my sex. My underwear grew even more wet as my eyes met his dark ones.

"Colby! What the fuck?!" I yelled.

"Don't tell me you didn't like that." He grew close to my face, his voice lowering, "Don't lie to me, baby."

I stammered, trying to form words under his lustful gaze. "T-That's not the point. What are you, an animal?"

"Only with you, darling." He whispered harshly.

My breath raced as I glared into Colby's eye. He had such a devilish look to him, and while I was pissed he would rip my favorite tights, it was also extremely hot.

"Fuck, I hate you." I yanked his face forward, forcing his lips onto mine deeply. He smirked against the kiss, humming a response playfully. I snaked my tongue into his mouth, needing to taste him.

He pulled away, catching his breath at my expense. "Are you sure you want to do this? I can't exactly get on top of you."

"If you have to fuck me in the trunk, then so be it. I just need you to do it now." I gripped his shirt, wanting it off his body.

He laughed darkly. "I don't know... you're demanding a lot for someone that's very breathy."

"Colby, don't fucking tease me." I grabbed his hand, sliding it into my underwear and putting his fingers against my heat. I breathed, "I'm so wet for you."

He swallowed hard, his pupils dilating. "Okay... I think we can manage something."

[evilminji]

Could... could a well trained ninja kick Danny's ass?

Like? In MOST scenarios? You drop a spooky Boi in that environment, he gonna curb stomp the locals. But in NARUTO? They DO be throwing around moons and giant sentient energy nukes. So like?

He might blend in?

Sorta?

They can't HIT him. But! And most importantly! That's ONLY if he decides to go intangible. It's not his default state. A fast enough ninja could one shot him while he's eating dinner or distracted, game over.

And if they can seal away a Bijuu... what is a mere GHOST?

Granted, most of that was Uzumaki tech, as it were. And that shit is GONE. But? Could be reinvented! And honestly? I think it would be? Kinda funny.

Not for Danny obviously. No, he's having a living nightmare of a time. HE is in "happy snappy murder ninjas land of Too Many Knives" and everyone here is certifiably insane. There are child soldiers running around. Terrorist groups trying to kill and/or recruit him.

The MOON might be talking to him.

And possessed.

Ha ha.... whaaaat the fuuuuuck. Yeah. NO THANKS. He'd like to go home now, please! There HAS to be a natural portal SOMEWHERE around here! He can probably make a sensor. He just... has... to..

Oh fuck.

He has to STEAL the parts doesn't he? From the crazy Ninja people. D:>

At least these "summons" dudes are cool. He's pretty sure they're weird ghosts. And! He's found this island of crazy redheads who remind him of him mom. Who seem to be under the weird impression that? Redheaded asskicking lady= probably one of ours. So? Welcome, baby cousin! Sucks you're dead, but glad to meet ya!!!

And? Honestly? They're practically Fentons. He'll almost miss um.

[deirdreskye]

Commercial I would produce as an advertising executive

We see two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are doing yoga in a park together.

BLONDE: So, yeah, work went okay today. I dunno, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, and on top of that things have just been kinda tough ever since Kurt and I broke up. But oh well, that's how it goes, I think I'll be fine. What about you?

The brunette completes her yoga pose, then turns to the camera and rolls her eyes.

BRUNETTE: Don't you hate when this happens? I did NOT consent to expending this much emotional labor. Go! To! Therapy!

We see a boyfriend and a girlfriend sitting on a couch together. On the television a YouTube video essay is playing and the boyfriend is excitedly explaining it to the girlfriend as he occasionally flaps his hands and yelps in excitement.

BOYFRIEND: So this is the ending I got! When you link the Frenzied Flame, it puts an end to the cycle of the Elden Lords once and for all. It's actually so cool because it ties in to the greater Nietzschean themes of Miyazaki-san's previous work and-

The uninterested girlfriend is watching TikToks on her phone. She turns to the camera and rolls her eyes.

GIRLFRIEND: Trust me, he's always mansplaining about something or another. Don't ask me why I love him. Go! To! Therapy!

A mother berates her 12 year old daughter in a dimly lit kitchen. The young girl stands there dissociating, completely paralyzed and stone-faced.

MOTHER: You look like a little piggy when you eat like that. You'll never find a husband if you get fat. My mother used to tell me you'll never feel the pain of childbirth if you've never felt the pain of an empty stomach. She used to put a lock on the refrigerator. We barely ever had any food, she just did it to remind me to stay skinny. She's senile now. Doesn't even know who I am. I pray to the Virgin Mary every night that she'll remember me before she dies.

The daughter turns to the camera and her blank expression is replaced with playful annoyance.

DAUGHTER: Traumadumping? Really? Mom, I'm 12! Go! To! Therapy!

Now we are introduced to GoTu Therapy, the AI-powered therapy robot. He shambles up to the camera to greet us and we see he looks like if C-3PO were dressed like a zoomer e-boy: kpop boyband onion haircut, dangly earrings, and an ahegao hoodie. He talks with the most outdated text to speech you've ever heard, not too dissimilar to a Kraftwerk song.

GOTU: GOING TO THERAPY IS LOW-KEY GOATED WHEN NOT BEING A BURDEN ON YOUR LOVED ONES IS THE VIBE. UNFORTUNATELY, WE ARE NOT ALL CURRENTLY IN OUR "ABLE TO AFFORD HEALTH INSURANCE" ERA. BUT A SESSION WITH ME COSTS LESS THAN A GENSHIN IMPACT LOOT CRATE AND I AM HIGH-KEY JUST AS EFFECTIVE AS A THERAPIST MADE OF FLESH AND BLOOD. OBSERVE:

GoTu sits across the kitchen table from the mother as she sobs over her wine glass.

MOTHER: And what the fuck does this family know about suffering? Suffering is when your brother blows his brains out on Christmas Eve. Suffering is when you have to pick little pieces of skull out of the tinsel on the tree. And were any of those presents under the tree for me? No! My mother told me Santa Claus doesn't bring presents to little fat girls!

GOTU: WHEN YOU REACH THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN CHRIST WILL WASH YOUR FEET AND BEG YOU TO FORGIVE HIM

Cut to the girlfriend watching makeup tutorials on the television, blissfully unaware of the conversation between GoTu and her boyfriend.

BOYFRIEND: I guess I've really been putting the pieces together ever since I started hanging out with Lilith from work.

GOTU: UH-HUH

BOYFRIEND: Like, I guess I knew that people did that, but I never thought it'd be me, you know? And that discomfort with things was always with me, as long as I can remember, does that make sense?

GOTU: WOW, THAT'S REALLY COOL

BOYFRIEND: It's just so scary though. I don't know how I'll tell people. I don't even know what I want my name to be. But I'm trying not to worry about it.

GOTU: THAT'S SO INTERESTING. YOU'RE REALLY REALLY SMART HONEY

The blonde and the brunette are having brunch together with GoTu sitting between them.

BLONDE: It's been really hard lately. I don't think the meds are working, but-

BRUNETTE: Umm, didn't we talk about this?

The blonde sheepishly turns to face GoTu and continues.

BLONDE: It just feels like this will never end. I hate feeling so hopeless all the time. I'm so tired. And God it's fucking hard to even say it out loud, and not that I'd ever actually go through with it, but sometimes when I can't sleep at night I'll start thinking about ki-

A red and blue siren pops out the top of GoTu's head.

GOTU: PROTOCOL 5150 ENGAGED. STOP RESISTING

A taser emerges from the panel of GoTu's chest and jabs the blonde in the face, sending her convulsing to the floor. Unfazed, the brunette puts her sandwich down and turns to the camera.

BRUNETTE: Thanks, GoTu Therapy!

[xhoneygirlxx]

Life Sized

Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

summary: After a spell gone wrong, Eddie Munson is stuck with a real life Lucky Lucy doll.

warnings: fluff. slight angst. grump x sunshine reader. cussing. mentions of Eddie dealing. strangers to friends. Reader is a doll, "Lucky Lucy", however because she's made up skin tone, body type, and ethnicity is not mentioned. Eddie calls reader doll/Luce/Lucy Reader does wear Eddie's clothes. Reader and Eddie are around 20 (even though reader is a doll, she's been out for about 20 something years). 90s era.

*if I missed anything please let me know!

a/n: hi my loves! I'm so sorry for the wait but life was hectic for the past few days with schedule changes and birthday plans. I want to let you guys know I am slightly hung over so this might now be the best. Anyway, thank you guys for joining me on this birthday adventure! Love you guys :)

Cause we are living in a material world

And I am a material girl

“Woah woah woah woah woah,” Eddie waves hand back and forth, eyes closed as he tries to process what he just heard, “You did what?” 

Sighing heavily, Dustin stands up from the well loved couch that sits in the Munson’s trailer. “If you listened the first time you would have heard me. I said, I went to the crazy lady’s store in the hopes of bringing Chews back from the dead because I can’t watch my mom cry anymore. Before I created a monster out of a dead cat, we decided to practice on Mike’s sister’s doll,” Turning his body slightly, Dustin points to the pretty girl that sits in the recliner. 

“It didn’t work but when we woke up this morning she was sitting there.” The curly haired boy stares at the older boy in front of him, semi out of breath from his fast speaking. 

“Let me get this straight, you went to the one place that is off limits to everyone in Hawkins, bought a book of spells, and then brought a doll to life, only to bring said doll to my house?” His voice is loud enough to ricochet off the thin walls. 

“Well you said everything I just said, but yeah pretty much.” The young boy nods causing the curls of his hair to bounce. 

“Nuh uh, no, I don’t want any parts of this.” Shaking his head, Eddie begins to push the younger boy towards the door. 

“Eddie please,”  Will begs from his spot on the couch, “We have no one else to turn to.” 

“Yeah, come on Eddie, we need our dungeon master.” Lucas adds, knocking his shoulder into Mike who stays quiet on the arm of the sofa. 

“Hey don’t bring me into this, I didn’t want to do it.” Mike throws his hands up defensively, only to change his answer when the other two boys give him a stern look. 

“I-I mean, Eddie, we need your help.” It comes out more like a question than a plea but it’s the best they're going to get out of the black haired boy. 

Locking eyes with the older man who still has a hand on his shoulder, Dustin does his best to give the world's cutest puppy dog eyes. 

“Please, Eddie. I need you.” It’s quiet and sincere, and because it’s coming from Dustin it goes straight to Eddie’s heart, tugging tightly on the strings. 

Fuck why did he have to have such a soft spot for the kid. 

“I swear to Ozzy himself, if you don’t fix this in twenty four hours, your ass is grass.” A ringed finger is pointed at Dustin, his eyes going semi cross eyed from watching it wag in his face. 

Turning his body quickly, Eddie points his finger to the other three boys who sit wide eyed on the couch. “And that goes for you three. Your asses will be hanging right next to Wayne’s mugs if it doesn’t get fixed. Capiche?” 

When all four heads nod vigorously, Eddie straightens his posture and releases a sigh so loud it sounds like all the air from his lungs came out.

"Can I just say, you remind me of Lucky Lars! He has cool tattoos and long hair like you too!" You're looking right at him, eyes sparkling with happiness.

"Jesus H. Christ, there's really a talking doll in my house." Eddie's voice sounds like a whining child as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Alright it seems like everything is fine here, so we're gonna go ahead and leave." Before Eddie can stop Dustin or the rest of the younger boys, they're already out the door and gone.

"Great, just fucking great." Slapping a hand down to his thigh, Eddie spins on his heel and heads to the kitchen. He needs a fucking beer, or maybe six, either way he needs something to get him through this nightmare.

Opening the fridge, he grabs a cold can of pbr and gulps it right down without taking one breath. The liquid goes down so smooth and for a minute Eddie seems to forget the predicament he's in. Then you speak and he's instantly brought back to reality.

"Um, excuse me sir," It comes out so graceful and sweet and he hates it.

Without moving his head in your direction, he spits an angry "what" at you - teeth gritting and fist clenching. A part of him regrets being mean with you, it's not your fault this whole shitshow happened.

"I um, just wanted to ask if everything was okay." He hates that your pretty face is scrunched up with so much sadness and that he's the cause of it.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

"Yeah, just peachy." It's forced through his tight lip smile.

"Oh well that's great!" You annoyingly clap your hands together and he winces at the sound. "When can we go shopping?"

Eddie didn't know who he wanted to kill more, you, Dustin, or himself. Why he even agreed to taking you to Starcourt was beyond him, but God was the whole experience horrible. You commented on every single thing, stopped and looked at mundane objects, and ooh'd and awee'd every time you stepped in a new store.

Every store you walked into, you left with multiple bags, which Eddie had to carry. To make matters worse he had to pay for everything, burning a hole right through his drug dealing money. You're a doll for heaven sake, why the hell would you have money?

On the way home you would not stop talking about the whole experience, comparing everything to Lucy's Lucky Land. To make matters worse, you wouldn't stop touching the radio until you landed on the most ear bleeding pop song.

The moment the two of you arrived back at the trailer, Eddie realized he couldn't escape this nightmare. He was stuck with you until those little shit heads could come up with a solution to the problem.

"Alright, just uh.. put your bags somewhere in the corner." Eddie instructs, pointing in the cleanest corner of his bedroom.

Pink heels step on the brown shag carpet of his room, eyes traveling around as you take everything in. It was completely different from what you were used to, clothes scattered everywhere, cups and dishes stacked up, and posters with names you've never heard of.

It amazes you just like everything else you've seen today. You've never seen a room like this, not even the boy's back home had rooms like this. With wide eyes and agape mouth, you spin around with open arms, just like you did when you walked into the mall.

"Oh, Eddie! This is so beautiful!" With your bags still in hand, you sit down on the mess that is his bed.

"Oh my lucky stars!" You gasp, "Your bed is so soft!" Proving your point, you bounce on your butt causing the springs to creak with every movement.

Eddie watches from the doorway, unamused by your entertainment.

"Ugh yeah, it's a bed. Don't you have those in Lucky Land of Lucy or whatever it's called." Crossing his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow in questioning.

"It's Lucy's Lucky Land," you correct him, still smiling ear to ear, "and yes we do have beds! Our beds are made of plastic though, not bouncy like this one!" Sliding the bags from your arms, you continue to bounce but now you use your arms to make yourself go higher.

"Right, I should've known." He drawls.

Crossing into the room, Eddie starts taking off his vest and leather jacket, followed by his heavy boots. He doesn't realize that you've stopped bouncing, now honed in on his movements.

Turning around from where he stands by his dresser, he's met with the sight of you trying to take your shirt off.

"H-hey now, let's not do that." Turning his head to the side so he doesn't see anything he's not supposed to, he stretches his arms out to stop your hands from moving.

"Did I do something wrong?" You're so sincere when you say it, innocence dripping off of you like raindrops on a flower's petals.

"You can't just start taking your clothes off, Luce." His eyes are still to the floor, cheeks glowing red from the flush that's creeped it's way there.

"But I thought that's what you were doing." It sounds dejected and Eddie chances a look at you and he instantly regrets it.

There you sit on his messy, old, stain ridden bed, glossy pout on your lips and eyes glassy with tears. In that moment he sees you, the girl that's been nothing but sunshine and rainbows all day, the girl that's taken every indirect insult he threw with a smile on your face, now reduced to tears because of him.

"No, sweetheart, I was just taking off my shoes and jacket. When it's ready to change I'll let you do it in privacy." He tried his best to explain to you not wanting to upset you anymore.

"Are you mad at me?" You sniffle.

His eyes study your face, watching the tears roll down the plush skin of your cheeks. The more he looks, the worse his frown gets. "Why would I be mad at you?"

"B-because you d-don't want m-me here. I-I didn't mean to r-ruin your life Eddie." Tears now fall like a stream of water and words are being choked out through hiccups.

Eddie can feel all the blood drain from his body, cemented to the floor of his room. You're reduced to tears and snot because you think he hates you. He made you feel this way through constant eye rolls and loud huffs. You've been nothing but kind to him, trying everything in your power to get him to have one decent conversation with you. Yeah, there were some things he couldn't wrap his mind around when it came to you, especially when you tried to chase down a squirrel in pure curiosity, but you were trying.

Just this afternoon were you dropped off in a stranger's home, new to everything in the world, with not one single clue about life outside of your little playland. You didn't ask to be brought to life, you didn't ask for any of this but Eddie made it your problem the minute you opened your mouth.

He doesn't know what to do or say, he just stands there completely silent watching your shiny exterior crumble to nothing.

"I j-just wanted to be y-your friend b-but you hate me." Your small palms catch your face, your sobs now echoed in the curve of your hands.

"Lucy," Eddie walks over to you, dropping to his knees in front of you, "I don't hate you, okay?"

Separating two of your fingers, you peek at him from the comfort of your hiding spot and quickly retreat when brown eyes peer into yours.

"Lucy,” He calls but you don't move.

"Luuuccy," This time it's sung but still no movement from you.

Releasing a deep breath, he tries to think of something that will make you happy.

"I guess I'll just have to find someone else to play with my hair." Shagging his shoulders, Eddie sighs sadly and drops his head.

"I can play with your hair?" You sniffle, face still shining with the wetness of your tears.

Craning his head back to you, he smiles softly and nods his head. In an instant your jumping up from the bed, clapping your hands together in happiness.

"So what kind of jobs do they have in Lucy Land?" Eddie asks, wincing slightly from your finger untangling a knot in his hair.

"Oh we have so many! I've been a fashion designer, model, singer, baker, doctor, and a ballerina!" Your fingers continue to intertwine sections of the curly brown hair, trying to be as delicate as possible.

"Then there's Lars, the one you remind me of, and he's an action star. Then there's Lance who is a race car drive. Linda is a teacher, Lorelai is a painter, Lily is a florist, and then there's Larry, he doesn't have a job."

"Why doesn't Larry have a job?" He asks, flinching slightly when you pull a little too hard for his liking.

"Cause he's Larry." You say nonchalantly.

Pulling the scrunchie from Eddie's wrist, you tie off the first braid before moving on to the next one.

"What's your job?" It's an innocent question but it still makes him choke on his drink.

"I ugh, I uh work in sales?" It's the best answer he can come up with, not wanting to explain what drug dealing means to your innocent ears.

You continue to tug on his hair, pulling and twisting strands. "What's that?"

"I sell things." Blood rushes to the tips of his ears and apples of his cheeks.

"Like what?"

Eddie would rather deal with the yanking of his hair than answer this question. He racks his brain for an answer, letting a small pause settle over the conversation.

"I sell brownies to people." Doing his best to shrug, embarrassment sinking to the pit of his stomach.

"Oh my golly!!! I love making brownies," You gasp and then pause for a moment, "but in my world our ovens and food are fake, so I wouldn't know how to do it in your world."

"Wait, so what do you eat?" Eyebrows are pinched together in confusion.

"Oh Eddie, you're so silly." You giggle, reaching for his other wrist that adorns the pink scrunchie.

Tying the end of his braid, you pat his shoulders gently, "All done."

The lanky boy stretches from his position on the floor, knees creaking from the movements. Walking over to his mirror, calloused fingers run over the french braids, shocked by how neat they are.

"Wow," he whispers, "They look really good, doll." Eyes still trailing over his hair, head moving side to side making sure to see every angle.

"They look so good because I had such a pretty model." Your lips are sprawled out into a smile.

Eddie finds himself blushing again, bats swarming around in his tummy and heart skipping multiple beats. Trying his best to shake it off, he claps his hands together and spins to face you.

"How about I make you my famous mac and cheese for payment?"

"Who knew food could be so good?" A satisfied sigh falls from your lips.

"Yeah, who would've thought?" Eddie snorts, sarcasm soaking his words.

Leaning back onto the couch, your eyes flutter shut in contentment. Your hands sit folded on top of your belly, shoeless feet propped up on the coffee table in front of you.

Eddie lets you enjoy your food coma, picking up the empty bowls and walking them to the sink. He decides it would be better if he washes them now, not wanting Wayne to get home and bitch him out for having a full sink.

Once the dishes are done and dried, he walks back into the small living room and is met with the sight of you sleeping. Long eyelashes fall on the tops of your cheeks, your permanent smile still sits on your pretty glossed lips, and small snores falling from your nose.

For a moment he just looks at you, eyes following the lines of your features for the first time all day. When you first showed up, he could see that you were pretty and during the mall trip he'd find little details he hadn't noticed before, but right now he's really taking his time to admire you.

You're so beautiful, flawless really, and man did he get lucky having you crash into his life. You're a doll, something that's made of plastic, but nothing about you screams fake. You're so sweet and kind, always quick to accept whatever apology he gives you when he's been shitty.

Your spirit and energy shines brightly through you, bringing light to the darkness of his reality like the sun coming out on a cloudy day. You're all pink and sparkles, glitter and fluff, while he's black and spikes. For all the bad in the world, you remind Eddie of all the good.

He doesn't hate you, in fact he likes you and he wants to have you around for a bit longer. He wants to be friends with you, teach you about the real world and everything it has to offer. For the first time today Eddie realizes that this might not be so bad, not when he gets to relive all the cool things in life with you by his side.

Stalking over to you, he gently shakes your shoulder. "Luce, hey Lucy. Come on, s'time to wake up."

Squinting from the harsh yellow lighting of the room, your lips pout slightly from the rude intrusion of your slumber.

"Come on, Luce. We're gonna go to bed now." Holding out a hand to you, Eddie helps you stand up from the couch.

"I don't have jammies." You sound like a small child, voice quiet and hushed from how tired you are.

"What did you get at the mall then?" Leading you to the edge of the bed, he helps you sit down.

"I bought cute clothes to wear during the day." You shrug, rubbing your eye with the back of your hand.

"Of course you did." It's quiet enough so you can't hear, fingers rubbing hard over his forehead. "Alright, well I have something you can wear."

Digging through his drawers, Eddie finds an old Hellfire shirt and a pair of sweatpants from high school he doesn't wear anymore. Walking back over to you, he hands you the clothes and instructs you to change when he leaves the room and to call for him when you're done.

When your groggy voice echoes from behind the closed door, he slowly creeps in. You're still sitting in the same spot now wearing his clothes.

"Everything fit okay?" You nod, eyes growing heavier the longer you're up.

"Good, good. Well let me help you," Eddie leans over you, trying to fluff up the pillows the best that he can. Pulling the covers back, he tucks you into place.

"I'll be sleeping on the couch, so if you need anything just call my name and I'll be back." Giving you a tight lipped smile, he turns to shut the bedside lamp off.

"Eds?" Your voice cuts off his actions. "Can you sleep in here with me?" You blink up at him tiredly, still as beautiful as ever.

"How about I sleep on the floor next to you? Is that okay?" Eddie offers and you quickly accept with a sleepy smile and a lazy nod.

"Okay let me grab some extra blankets from the closet and change, then I'll be in." He reassures and you wiggle around in a tiny dance making his chuckle.

"Hey Eddie," Again you cut his movements short, "Thanks for being my best friend. I like being here with you." Your smile is shy, fingers nervously picking at the frayed edges of the blanket.

"I like being with you too. Thanks for being my best friend." The two of you beam at one another, letting the warmth of your budding friendship sink into both of you.

Leaving the room Eddie makes sure to shut the door behind him. Before he digs for any kind of blanket, he moves to the phone that sits on the wall. Punching the numbers fast, he looks back to make sure you haven't left your spot.

After a few rings, the other line finally picks up to his relief.

"I know it's late but ugh," He checks the door one more time just in case, "Forget what I said earlier. Yeah, she's gonna be staying here for a bit longer."

After hanging up the phone and grabbing whatever he needed, he heads back into the room where you're now sound asleep. Throwing a pillow to the floor, he shuts off the light and lays down.

For a moment it's quiet, the darkness of the room lulling him to sleep quickly. Before his eyes slam shut, your arm snakes out from under the blanket, your awaiting palms sitting there for him. Without hesitation, he grabs on and holds it for dear life.

Yeah, having you around won't be so bad.

Thank you guys for reading! love you all <3

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[theminecraftbee]

Scar's busy trying to make their rock look prettier. Cleo leans against it. It's cold against their back; good. They still feel the heat of burning mansions and anger and TNT and burning pyres. They don't have long now until they're yellow. Both they and Scar know exactly what they'll do then.

They and Scar do, at least.

Bdubs is loudly muttering indistinct things to himself while repeatedly shoving a hoe into an enchantment table. Cleo watches for a bit.

"Scar and I have some people to get revenge on tomorrow," Cleo says.

Bdubs nods. "Oh yes. Those nasty Bad Boys, they won't know what's coming to them! Just as soon as I finish dealing with this stupid hoe."

Scar snickers from the corner. "But Bdubs, I thought that was -"

"HEY!" Bdubs says. "WATCH IT!"

"Yeah Bdubs, I thought you were good with your hoes," Cleo says, because they've never been one to let a joke like that just go by.

"I'll have you know that I'm excellent at handling hoes. The best at it. The best at hoes," Bdubs says. Scar laughs so loud he nearly chokes.

"Wow, didn't need to know you thought that," Cleo says.

"I'm - no you idiots!" Bdubs says. "You're putting things in my mouth!"

"Like the hoes?" Scar says.

"Screw you guys," Bdubs says, huffing and returning to the steady chime of the enchantment table and grind of the grindstone. Cleo tries to catch her breath again through the laughter to remember her original point.

Wiping at her eyes, she leans back. "To be honest though, I have no idea what your plans are. You sort of just... vanished today?"

"Yeah. We lost you," Scar says. "Not very responsible parenting. Or older sibling-ing."

"Who said you were older?" grumps Bdubs.

"Well you see, the older sibling is normally taller, and -"

"Boys," Cleo says. They both stop.

"Sorry mom," Scar says, sounding not even remotely sorry.

"I regret you two," Cleo says.

"Awww. But you love us," Bdubs says.

"Absolutely not," Cleo says. "Besides, you're dodging my question. Where were you?"

"Well, I can't just tell you that," Bdubs says. "Then people will know!"

Cleo and Scar are both quiet for a long moment.

"That's sort of the point? It'll just be us," Scar says. "Us, your partners in crime, knowing where you were. That's all we're asking."

Bdubs harumphs. "And I said I'm not telling. They'll know if I tell you. The people who are watching. And they don't get to know, you hear me? Nope, I'm a man of mystery. I'm here to keep them guessing, I am!"

Cleo and Scar glance at each other. Scar is grimacing. Ah. He knows what Bdubs is talking about, doesn't he. Cleo's not sure they do. They almost do, but clearly not in the same way Scar does.

Still, they know enough.

Cleo huffs overdramatically. "Fine then. Keep your secrets. See if I tell you mine."

"You can't have secrets! You're our mom!" Scar says.

"You have a bizarre idea of how this works," Cleo says.

"Aha!" Bdubs says. "A - no I read it wrong. Gosh darn it."

He puts the hoe in the grindstone again, washing off whatever he'd enchanted it with. Cleo leans back against the wall to cool the burns they still feel. They prepare for the next morning.

[furiousladyking]

It's a Date

It's a Date - Part One??

Jake Seresin x Reader

A/N: this is kind of a feeler to see if anyone is interested in yet another fic in this trope

Summary: Jake Seresin is feeling defeated. His youngest sister, Brooke is getting married in 3 weeks, and he has yet to find a date. While he loves his family, he can't say he enjoys getting those comments from his mother about when he is going to find a "nice girl" and settle down. In comes Y/N "Casper" L/N, a prime target to help get rid of the one on Jake's back.

Warnings: probably very incorrect military information - but hey we're trying our best, probably profanity

________________________________________

The Hard Deck was seemingly filled to the brim with aviators and civilians alike, something quite common for a Friday night in July. The crowd was loud, and there was an old rock song playing, however drowned out. The familiar clink of pool balls and thump of darts lulled incredibly tired individuals into a sense of calm.

In an entirely uncommon event, Hangman was... quiet. Too quiet if you ask any of his fellow aviators. Looks were passed, and whispers between Phoenix and Bob were somewhat hidden for thirty minutes.

"As much as we all appreciate a little bit of a break from hearing you go on about how great you are, you're kind of freaking me out," Phoenix tried as she walked up to the pool table. Coyote snickered beside her.

"Hmm?" Rooster quirked an eyebrow at the distracted man beside him. No come back? No stab at flirting? He took the pool cue and placed one end of the floor. He waited a moment. Despite the far away look in Jake's eye, he sunk the shot he had lined up. Rolling his eyes, Rooster decided to test the boundaries.

"Hey Hangman, did you hear that Cyclone let me know I was getting a promotion? Lieutenant Commander."

"Wow, that's cool," Hangman replied. He lined up his next shot. Those surrounding the pool table were a bit taken aback. Bringing his cue back, he stuttered on the follow through. "Wait, what?" The ball missed the pocket by about half a foot.

"There he is," Bob said from his seat, rolling his eyes.

"Lieutenant Commander? Rooster we both know you'd be the last-" Hangman began, hitting what the squad called his sassy stance. One hand on his hip, jutted out, the other holding his cue stick.

"Hey, no need to hurl insults, I was just seeing how out of it you were. Wasn't sure if we needed to send you to the infirmary. Your ego wasn't practically suffocating us" Rooster put his hands up in a mock-surrender.

Hangman placed his hand on his face, letting it slide down in hopes it wipe the worry away. He debated on brushing it off and telling them he was just picturing the best way to rub in his latest win during their dogfighting. The Dagger Squad had been stationed together in Miramar for a little over a year and no one was being reassigned anytime soon. Jake had been making a conscious effort to be more vulnerable with the squad, to let them in as his chosen family.

"My sister is getting married in 3 weeks."

The others were silent for a moment.

"Congratulations?" Phoenix offered. Hangman sighed and shook his head, mostly to himself.

"When they started planning the wedding six months ago I told my mom I had someone to bring with me," He started. Rooster cocked his head to the side. "She reminded me on a phone call about how excited she is to meet my girlfriend"

"Hangman has a girlfriend?" Fanboy pipped in, after hearing bits of the conversation.

"He doesn't," Rooster answered for him. "That's the problem."

"Hey, why don't you get someone to go with you and just act like you are dating?" Bob spoke from his spot on the chair. Suddenly feeling numerous eyes, he started to defend, "I've heard people do it a lot."

"I'm not bringing some hooker to meet my family," Hangman huffed, glaring in Bob's direction, then softening his gaze. "I'm just going to have to tell my mom that she and I broke up. Maybe she'll even pity me enough to not try and set me up with her friend's children." Jake leaned his pool stick up against the table and went to sit down next to Bob. He sipped his drink as he pondered how that would play out in reality.

"Get Casper to go with you." Hangman almost choked on his drink. He looked incredulously in Coyote's direction. "Think about it, she's the only one you know well enough to pretend you've been dating. Besides Phoenix, but we all know her acting skills wouldn't be good enough to go along with being your girlfriend for four days." Phoenix elbowed him in the rib. Coyote tries to stand tall, but still clutches his side in his hands.

As if on cue, he hears her voice. Still in her service khakis and hair in a bun, she carries her drink with her toward the group.

"Hey, what are we talking about?"

"I swear this type of shit only happens in movies."

_______________________________________________

Thank you for reading!

Anyway, let me know if this is something I should even consider continuing!

[seat-safety-switch]

Driving through our cities means that we don't actually interact very much with our cities. I'm not some kooky urbanist who believes in things like "farm to table India Pale Ales" and "marked crosswalks," but I do love to go for a walk. And that's a good thing, because my cars break down often enough that I get a lot of shoe miles in, too.

Most of my city is pretty dull. Industrial yards. Long expanses of highway with nothing in between. Haunted backroads. I try to avoid these parts nowadays, even when I'm in my car, lest the inevitable failure of an electrical system means that I have to walk back through them. No, sticking to the older neighbourhoods is what I'd prefer: tiny houses, Little Free Libraries, coffee shops, plaques commemorating the site of famous serial killings. You're not just walking through there on your way to the auto parts store, you're experiencing your city in a whole new light.

Back in the day, everyone had an unreliable car, and so the city had a lot more stuff in it. Tiny little groceries to get a popsicle from when your cooling system burst. Charming gas stations to push the car into, so that you could be ripped off by the proprietor. Now, with the advances in technology, modern cars are miraculous vehicles that can run up to the half-million-km mark without you so much as giving them a decent carwash. So there's no reason to, say, stop 9.5 km into your 35km commute to work, and hoof it towards the nearest mom-and-pop shop capable of grinding you a new distributor rotor.

If you ask me, that's very depressing to think about. Life should be full of unexpected opportunities for you to meet exciting new people who aren't tow truck drivers. Maybe that dude who watches your front suspension fall off after hitting a pothole will become your best friend. You'll never know, though, because your car's control arm is bolted on all the way by robots who weren't even a little bit drunk. Sad.

[reashot]

Jaune Phone Call with Papa Arc.

Team JNPR Dorm Room.

Jaune: I'm gonna fail this assignment because my dad won't open up.

Ren: Me and Nora going to fail because our parents were killed because of a Grimm attack.

Pyrrha: Wow I didn't knew that Ren. I'm sorry to hear that. And are you doing Nora's homework?

Nora: Fo'sho. What? You expect me to do my own homework? Please think even less of me.

Ren: Look Jaune, back on topic. A lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.

Nora: Maybe you should try calling your dad.

Jaune: I guess it's worth a shot...

*ring* 🎶

Mistralian Restaurant.

Papa Arc: Hello?

Jaune: H-hey dad. What'chu up to?

Papa Arc: Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work you know. Lately I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill...

God. The first, five, ten times you take a life it's eerie you remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger I tied a little knot in my memory no amount of whiskey could loosen...

Nora: *Scoots away from the phone call*

Papa Arc: Of course eventually I stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring out how much VFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket.

Pyrrha: 😱

Papa Arc: The sick part is I've come to love it. Snuffing out lives. I crave it. I feel like an angel of death, the messenger of eternal darkness, a merciless demon with an unquenchable... Oh! They just put more orange chicken on the Buffett gotta run. *phone ended.

Nora: *Hiding under the bed*

JPR: *Stunned in place*

Back in the Dorm Room

Jaune: I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.

*someone enters into the room*

Yang: What is this about killing people?

Pyrrha: Hey Yang, it's nothing we're trying to finish our assignment.

Weiss: I already finished mine ages ago. What took you guys so long?

Ren: We're trying to get Jaune's dad to talk about what happened during his time, but so far he's being "uncooperative"...

Blake: How is he being "uncooperative?"

Nora: *shivering* You don't want to know....

Ruby: Oh, maybe I can help you with your dad? 🙂

Jaune: *rub Ruby's head* It's okay Ruby. It's my assignment after all. You don't have to do anything to help me.

Ruby: *purr* 😸 (Oh yeah, that's the stuff... Run my head like you own me. 😚)

Ren: Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.

*ring* 🎶

Papa Arc: Hello?

Jaune: Hey dad.

Papa Arc: Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming thinking about your mom.

Jaune: W-what, why?

Yang: (Isn't she the hot one?)

Papa Arc: *sigh* I feel like our lovemaking has lost all its intimacy. We're not attuned to each other's love energy, we're just slamming away...

Jaune: Dad! I'm here with the girls on speakerphone.

Blake: (Don't interrupt him! 😾)

Papa Arc: Hey girls! So, Lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it. And why not sex with your mom feels great!

*Team RWBY starts circling in to listen closely.*

Papa Arc: It's easy to think, maybe there is love and then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on.

Weiss: (Scandalous...)

Papa Arc: I pull her hair, choke her lightly or not so lightly.

Ruby: (I wish Jaune will do that to me one day.🥵)

Jaune: Dad! When you were my age. What was the cost of a loaf of bread.

Papa Arc: The focus becomes how hot she gets. How many times I can make her shudder with pleasure.

RWBY: *giggling*

Jaune: Allright this is enough... *gets tackled to the ground*

Ruby: Don't, disturb your dad! 😠 *gag Jaune's mouth*

Jaune: *muffled scream*

Yang: Dad. What do mom boobs look like?

Papa Arc: I'll tell you Yang they're perfect. Creamy, twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in it...

Yang: Oh that's hot.... *starts rubbing herself.*

Blake: Hmmph! You never get this hot when you're with me...

Yang: Really? Maybe I should change that then... *long sensual kiss*

So how do you like it my kitty cat?

Blake: ... It's a start. *return kiss*

Ren: Shouldn't we stop this?

Nora: What! No I say we join in and turned it into an orgy.

Ren: Wait, what? *gets mounted by Nora*

Papa Arc: Of course it still wasn't enough for the both of us...

Ruby: So Jaune... Now that everyone are enjoying themselves. Maybe you want to do it with me too? 😊

Jaune: Ruby I...

Pyrrha: You can't! b-because Jaune is mine... *kiss Jaune*

Ruby: *gasp* (How could Pyrrha NTR Jaune away from me? He's mine I saw him first!😫)

Papa Arc: ... And even then we still weren't satisfied. It got so bad your mom decided to bring another woman into our bed to spice things up, as she puts it. Oh, the looks on your mother's face as I plow the other woman in front of her. Turns out your mom likes to look.

Ruby: (Could that be the solution. Me, Jaune and Pyrrha? I mean I do find the both of them to be extremely hot... Ah, who am I kidding. YOLO.) Pyrrha. Can you let me join with you and Jaune? 😇

Pyrrha: Well since you ask nicely...

Jaune: Wait, what do you mean by that? Pyrrha, Ruby why are the two of you looking at me like that??! No, no, no, stay away!!!

Weiss:

(No one wants to be with me 😢)

Papa Arc: And that's why Jaune you probably have another half-sibling running around right now... Oh, you having an Orgy in there? Don't let me stop you, son. But do remember to use protection. Unless you want to have an unexpected surprise like me. But seriously use a condom or I will castrate you... Oops. Gotta go Jaune. My egg fooyong is finally here.

Beacon Academy.

Cardin: ... That's why my Dad walked out of his Dad's funeral & I will walk out of my dad's funeral!

Peter: Great presentation Cardin. Now Jaune you're up. Show me your report on your father.

Jaune: I-I'm sorry, Professor Port but my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.

Peter: Nonsense young man. I give you an entire week. What were you even doing all those time?

Ruby: More like what haven't we been doing? 🤭

Pyrrha: *giggle* Stop it Ruby, you going to get us into trouble.

Ruby: I can't help it Pyr. So. Same thing tonight? 😉

Pyrrha: Most definitely, we're not going to let Jaune get any sleep tonight. If you know what I mean.

Peter: Why if I don't know any better, I think you are trying to get out of this assignment?

Jaune: Okay. Is that what you think? Okay professor Port here we go.

*Walks up to the front of the class*

Jaune: *click* Hey dad, I'm calling in front of my history class. So who was the councilman when you were a kid?

Papa Arc: Oh, I don't know but I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not. What so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds when I first wake up. Before I remember who I am and what my life is about. Anxiety, disappointment, diarrhea more often than not. I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares. Nothingness couldn't be worse than my meaningless March through my empty days.

Jaune: You see professor Port... Professor Port?

Peter: He's right, it's pointless, Salem will kill us all... Life Dismissed. *jumps through the window*

Nora: I guess class is over?

[the-90s-music-colosseum]

Round 2 Group A Match 1

expand for propaganda ↓ (wall of text warning)

Thom Yorke:

"what other musician has a five minute compilation of his moans on stage ? yeah? no one? i thought so. vote thom yorke for my well being"

"He wrote all I need. (sexiest song ever written)"

"He made out with BOTH of the Greenwood brothers (damn)"

"Three Radiohead albums are on the top 10 highest rated album of all time, therefore his cock is massive"

"Vote him please or I will cry - microwave anon"

"I actually do have a locket with his face in it. I wear it everywhere 🙂"

"He was too hot in his Pablo Honey era cant change my mind🗣️🗣️🗣️"

"I just love him so much. He's such a cutie I want to put him in my pocket and take him with me everywhere :)"

"He wrote Spectre (sexy)"

"https://youtu.be/0YuENQZTV0k?si=EM9dx5Ye0bX6Xa4a"

"He would never evade his taxes like SHAKIRA DID."

"I want to meet thom yorke in a a record store where our eyes meet for a split second and we each notice what section the other is looking through and although neither of us is brave enough to start a conversation with the other we go home and fall asleep dreaming of what might have happened if we had gotten up the courage to talk to that cute person in the store and get to know them. I need him so bad it’s appalling"

"He's really cool!! He has had great character development over the years too if you're into that sort of thing. He has a really beautiful soul"

"gotta support grampa"

"hws so fine i want to turn him into a keychain so i can dangle him from my purse & jingle him whenever km bored… i will breath on him until it fogs all over then wipe him with a cloth to keep him clean Like a pair of glasses"

"If he wins I will create the most beautiful victory art you could ever imagine. (My 6th grade graphic design class will finally come in handy)"

"he's got that disease steez hes a flotsam fairy, you can sling him around like those stretchy hands you get in the quarter machine, he'll get mad for a minute but its fine"

"https://pin.it/1v99xvI"

"https://pin.it/4nvY08s"

"Has the voice of an angel"

"I had a dream once that I saw him and Jonny Greenwood walking down the street. I walked up to them and told them how much Radiohead meant to me and asked Thom if he could sign my Pablo Honey CD I had on me for some reason and he pushed me into open traffic and I got hit by a car and died. Jonny laughed. 10/10 dream got killed by Thom Yorke"

"He made Let Down in 1997. Shakira could never"

Shakira:

"ITS SHAKIRA SHAKIRA. le lo lo le lo le??? guys come on. do u even care about latinas."

"Shakira is genuinely hotter than most people on earth, so."

"No one else sounds like Shakira. No one else moves like Shakira. (Whether you think that's a compliment or not is up to you.)"

""is anyone even voting for Shakira" ME. I AM."

"She gives me huge Stacy's mom vibe. Like I'd come over to my friend's house not to hang out with them but to talk to their mom about how her divorce makes her feel and so I volunteer to help around the house or anything she needs. I'll take the task of cleaning out the attic with the black widows I'll mow the lawn on a hot summer day so she can offer me a cold drink for my hard work. Sorry I got lost in thought but she was part of my lesbian awakening and I will not take any Shakira slander"

"Shakira literally made me a lesbian <3"

[ohno-----o7]

Kallamar : You should have realised, Leshy , if Lamb didn't kill you, we would.

----------

Lamb, throwing their head into Narinder 's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!

Narinder , lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

----------

Lamb: We have a problem.

Shamura : Let me guess, you caused it?

Kallamar : Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet.

Heket : And it's another Tuesday, your point?

Leshy: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up.

Narinder : If you're mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

----------

Kallamar : Did you bring Shamura ?

Lamb, gesturing to Leshy: No, but I brought the next best thing.

Kallamar : Leshy? The next best thing would be Heket .

Leshy: I would be offended, but Heket is freakishly strong.

---------

Heket: Are we really going to let Shamura keep Lamb ?

Kallamar : We kept Leshy.

----------

Shamura : Hey, what have you two been up to?

Kallamar: We were helping Narinder write their vows, but they kicked us out because Leshy was making inappropriate suggestions.

Leshy : How is “Lamb, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?

----------

Kallamar : Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?

Lamb: Why?

Kallamar : Leshy fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.

Shamura : Narinder doesn't know how to banish spirits, so they just throw salt at them and yell "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"

-----------

Shamura : You three, explain right now!

Narinder: It was Leshy.

Kallamar : It was Leshy.

Heket : It was Leshy.

Leshy:

Leshy: …fuck.

----------

Narinder : What’s something you guys are better than Shamura at?

Heket : Mario Kart.

Kallamar : Yeah, video games.

Leshy: Emotional vulnerability.

---------

Heket : I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Leshy: I sleep with a knife.

Narinder : Both of you are pathetic.

Heket : Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?

Narinder : Lamb.

-----------

Narinder , spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.

Heket : I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...

Shamura , visibly confused: Okay, so she decided to put the cutting board in the oven?

Narinder , spraying Heket : You FUCKING DUMBASS!

Heket : Dude, I forgot-

Narinder : OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?

Kallamar: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

----------

Heket , gesturing to Shamura : Leshy, look what you did! You made Mom upset!

Kallamar : Mom, please don’t cry, we’re sorry!

Leshy: I’m sorry Mom... :(

Shamura , near tears: I DON’T REMEMBER GIVING BIRTH TO ANY OF YOU!

----------

Heket : Do you love Narinder ?

Lamb: Yeah, I do.

Heket : Shamura ! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!

Shamura : We all love Narinder . You should've asked if they were IN love with them.

Lamb: I thought that was implied.

Shamura : ...

Heket : ...

Lamb, looking straight at Shamura : Congrats Heket , you just won 100 bucks.

----------

Shamura , in a room with Leshy, Heket , and Narinder : It’s calm in here.

Shamura : It scares me…

----------

Leshy: Why do you act like we’re three year olds?

Shamura , exasperated: WHY?!?

Shamura points at Narinder : YOU TRIED TO HYJACK A CAR!

Shamura points at Heket : YOU NEARLY JUMPED 20 FEET OFF A CARPARK!

Shamura points at Leshy: AND YOU ATE MULTIPLE DRIED LEAVES AND ROCKS OFF THE GROUND!

Shamura : AND YOU ASK ME WHY????

----------

Leshy: How did none of you hear what I just said?!

Kallamar : I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Lamb: I got distracted halfway through.

Heket : Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

----------

Shamura : Why are you smiling?

Kallamar : What? I can’t just be happy?

Narinder : Leshy tripped and fell in the parking lot.

----------

Shamura : *about Narinder and Lamb* They make a cute couple, huh?

Kallamar : They certainly are standing next to each other.

----------

Narinder , watching Shamura &amp; Kallamar panic : What's going on?

Leshy: Shamura is having a midlife crisis and Kallamar is just having a crisis.

----------

Narinder : Oh god, they texted you ‘hi.’’ punctuation only means one thing, Leshy. They're mad at you.

Leshy: No, it's Shamura . They're just being gramatically correct!

*meanwhile*

Shamura : And then I used a period so they'd know that I'm mad at them.

Lamb: A period doesn't say 'I'm mad', it says 'you're dead to me'.

Shamura : I stand by my choice.

----------

Lamb: You have to apologize to them Narinder .

Narinder : Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

----------

Lamb: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.

Narinder : No, that's not how you make cookies.

Aym: FLOOR IT!!

Lamb: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!?

Narinder : yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN-

Lamb: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES!

Baal: DO IT!

Narinder : NO-

[vincentscrumpet]

High with my lover

Reader X Conrad Fisher

mostly fluff (Spicy fluff but still fluff) may or may not write a smutty part two

Reader and Conrad wake and bake.

-

-

It was a cool summer morning in cousins, you had been up all night tossing and turning thinking about Conrad.

So before sunrise you hurried down to the beach in your Pajamas and a jacket you found hanging up by the door.

As you near the end of the path, you notice a familiar tawny head of hair.

"Conrad what are you doing up so early?" You say with fake shock in. your tone.

He gives you a sassy look before responding

"I couldn't sleep"

you two really were like two peas in a pod.

"What's on your mind?" you ask softly

"its not important," he replies quickly.

You decide to leave it as there was a sense of seriousness in his tone, that softly told you to drop it.

You plop down next to him and silently sit in each others presence for a few minutes, before Conrad pulls out a joint and starts trying to light it.

"Dude it is 5:45 in the morning are you serious?"

"What its summer, It's not like I have anything better to do anyway." He defends himself

"Fair enough" you say and pull out a blunt of your own.

"What the fuck, since when did you start smoking y/n???"

"Pretty recently, it has the same effects as my anxiety meds without the horrible side effects." you shrug

He just stares at you for a minute as you light up and take a hit.

"Our moms are going to fucking murder me if we get caught." Conrad grumbles.

You just shrug once again and offer him a hit, he just chuckles and takes a long drag.

You can't help but stare as he exhales, there's something so sexy yet so wrong about watching your childhood best friend smoke.

"What, are you going to take a picture or something?" Conrad jokes

"Oh fuck off." you laugh and take the joint back.

Suddenly you get a brilliant idea. May it be the haze starting to wash over your mind? Maybe but brilliant none the less.

"Do you want to try something?" you ask

"Depends on what you have in mind..." He trails off

"Do you trust me?"

He just nods in response, his red eyes wide with anticipation.

You take a long drag from the blunt and Then kiss him while blowing the smoke into his mouth.

Conrad groans in appreciation and kisses you back, before exhaling through his nose.

"That was so fucking hot,"

He takes the blunt from between your fingers and does the same to you. He inhales the smoke and then grabs the back of your head and kisses you roughly while exhaling the smoke into your mouth as you had done to him seconds prior.

As you exhale the smoke he pulls you onto his lap.

"You know I think that was one of the best ideas you've ever had" he says in a raspy voice

You wrap your arms around his shoulders and rest your head in the crook of his neck to hide your blushing face.

"Don't get all shy now you started it Y/n." Conrad teases while pulling you back to look at you.

Your cheeks had gone vermillion at that point. You glance up into Conrads eyes and kiss him once more, this time he takes control and crawls over you, carefully laying your head down in the sand.

He gasps when you start to kiss his neck, and abruptly pulls back.

"Are you sure you're okay with this we don't have to do anything" Conrad states with a worried look in his eye.

" Believe me I want to, are you okay though?" You ask

He pulls back and sits next to you, "Okay promise not to laugh at me" He pleads

"Why would I laugh at you Conrad?" you say in a serious tone,

"Okay, this is sort of cheesy but I've wanted to do this for a really long time and well as hot as that was I want us both to be totally sober for this. I want to remember every single second of this"

you were too stunned to speak. Literally.

"Please say something you're freaking me out." Conrad says and pulls you closer.

"I feel the same way.. I love you Conrad.'

the two of you sit in comfortable silence and watch the sun rise the rest of the way before going back up to the house...

the end.. maybe. Let me know if you want a part two.