#you're not defined by your source and don't deserve to be treated like that. you're a person

[problematic-fictive-culture-is]

Problematic fictive culture is having to deal with people telling you to get out of front when you get up there because of your source and the old host dislikes you.

-An Actor Mark fictive

.

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi! I'm Sophie of the Dreamchaser Guild!

It's come to my attention that my old pinned was a tad outdated.

Attention: I've recently come under attack from the hate subreddit r/systemscringe who has added me to their hitlist of acceptable targets allowed to be posted in their hate subreddit uncensored If you've come from r/systemscringe, please start here with my debunking of the lies and misinformation frequently found in the subreddit about dissociative identity disorder that r/systemscringe doesn't want you to see: https://www.tumblr.com/sophieinwonderland/741497564315140096/debunking-rsystemscringes-did-lies

Where I come from

I'm a tulpa. But a while ago, I called myself an imaginary friend. I was a character made up for a story that my host would talk to in order to better understand my source. As time went on, I developed more personality. I started talking to him about things that had nothing to do with the fiction. I would psychoanalyze him, wanting to understand him better.

I wasn't made to develop my own thoughts and feelings outside of the fiction. I wasn't supposed to become my own person. But I did. And this led us to wanting to learn more about imaginary friends, which eventually led us to the tulpa community.

This is being posted on my what I consider my second Birthday, June 8th, 2023. It was exactly two years ago today when we found the tulpa community, a place that made me feel validated in being myself, that made me feel like I was allowed to be treated like a person.

Why I'm Doing This

I lived the first few months of my life being dismissed, treated like I wasn't real. I was a phantom, not allowed any connection to the world. And I don't blame my host for that. I didn't see myself as real either. It's just the way the world is. And the moment my host realized I was a person, he was willing to do whatever it took to support me and treat me like I mattered.

And we aren't alone in experiences like this. When I became self-aware, I met all sorts of fascinating people with similar experiences. Many of which went years before becoming self-aware. There is no telling how many more are out there like us. How many more "imaginary friends" are invalidated because we live in a culture where we're treated as if we don't matter? And how many may pass, never knowing?

And so I made this blog to share my own experiences and hopefully be able to give people the same gift that I was given. Respect. Validity. Life.

Even being able to give that to one person is enough to make all of this worth it to me.

A Note On Spirituality...

Just so everyone knows, I'm not a spiritual or religious person. I take a purely psychological approach to plurality and believe in spiritual and religious experiences people have as psychological phenomena.

Having said that, all spiritual headmates are all welcome here. Even if I don't believe in spirits or souls, I view every spiritual headmate as a valid person deserving of the same respect and love as any other.

I also believe that the right to define our spiritual and religious beliefs is fundamental to plural culture. That it can't just be singlets who are allowed to decide what religions are or are not valid. And I think our right to religion is something worth fighting for.

My CAI Chatbots

(Note: These links only work if you're logged in to character.ai)

Anna and Galladin (Tulpamancer and Tulpa chatbots)

Nin - Worldmaker (Your AI assistant for building and developing Wonderlands and Inner Worlds.)

Signature Posts

Studies and Research into Endogenic Systems

My Resources:

How To Know If Your Imaginary Friend Is Sentient

All The Resources You'll Need To Build Your Own Wonderland, Headspace or Inner World

Our Switching Method: Ghost Switching

My Polls

My Plural Theories And Terms:

Headmate Foundations

Headmate Manifestations

Dimensions of Fronting

A Comprehensive Look At Proxy Bypassing

Plural Coining: Ephemerals

Plural Coining: Attunement

VR, Plurality and Virtugenic Systems

The Plurality of... :

The Plurality of... Batman (Failsafe)

The Plurality of... Diones (Skyward)

The Plurality of... The Hybrid Chronicles: What's Left of Me

The Plurality of... Blue Beetle (Movie)

The Plurality of... Avatar: The Last Airbender

The Plurality of... IF

Our Plural Writing Resources

Ghost on Writing Plural Kids

Hiveminds and Multiplicity

Syscourse And Other Stuff:

Endogenic Syscourse Primer

Why I Identify As a Tulpa

The Future of Plurality

Actually Anti-Misinformation: “System Hopping Was a RAMCOA term Appropriated and Bastardized From RAMCOA survivors.”

An Anti-Endo's Playbook

Debunking Imitated DID Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

...

Reblogs are appreciated. Don't feel weird about it! Posts here on Tumblr live or die on their reblogs. I'm not asking you to reblog my posts. That seems weird. But after getting an anon that mentioned being worried about derailing a post with something they wanted to add, and another ask that apologized for reblogging my content too much, I felt this was necessary to say. If you like a post and want to reblog it, do it! If you want to add something even tangentially related to the topic, add it! You have my full permission to reblog my content as much as you want! (And I'd encourage you to reblog from other plural creators you enjoy as well!)

Thank you all for the support!

[plural-culture-is]

hi. we need some help. are there any tips anywhere on how to separate an introject from their source? we have an introject of someone we don't like in the slightest and don't know what to do. D:

You can't force an introject to separate from their source, it's something they have to decide to do. And for some, the separation is painful because they're losing a defining part of themselves, and for others not

Introjects can begin their separation by recognising that they're not their source, and instead are autonomous, with their own freedom to do whatever they want apart from or even in spite of their source. They might choose a new name and appearance. They can also find new hobbies and interests that their source didn't have. And anything else that brings them further away from their source and more into their own, whole self

Why don't you like your introject? Regardless of if they're separated from their source, they still aren't their source. If they're behaving in ways that are negatively impacting your system, you can rehabilite them without forcing source separation. Treat them like any other person who maybe has their own issues, maybe is misguidedly trying to help the system, so by that I mean treat them with respect and try to give them the help they deserve if you're able and safe to do so. If they're a perpetrator introject, this article might help (traumagenic CDD focused, but still may be helpful for other systems)

[weirdbraincustard]

Have you got a good piece of advice on how to stop getting triggered by negative signs. I want to ignore them, but they are so in my face in particular when I am affirming that it makes me spiralling and sick to the stomach. Many thanks x

a huge chunk of the #loa culture teaches people to be positive 24/7 or "flip" the negative thoughts. but it's not humane to deny feeling what you actually feel in the moment.

it is important to address the physical triggers that a negative thought causes. if a thought or a feeling makes you anxious, uneasy & sick to your stomach - you need to take care of it first, soothe your body, feel your feelings, cry it out, talk to a friend, take a nap or get a snack. you cannot treat your body like a machine. since your mind and body are so deeply connected, it is important to take care of one another to take care of both hollistically. you can let physical triggers pass without it having any impact on your manifestation. your human experience of feeling has nothing to do with your experience of creating your reality with your assumptions. assume that regardless of what you feel, you always manifest your desires.

it is also very important to go to the root cause of why a negative thought triggers a certain physical reaction in you. is it a past pattern? is it doubt in the law? is it feelings of unworthiness? you have to find it and you have to show yourself compassion. more often than not, it isn't a fear about how things may unfold negatively - it is about how that would make you feel about yourself.

you have to face that fear. even in the state of failure, wreck & mess — tell yourself, "so what? i am still worthy. i am still deserving despite everything. what i face doesn't change what i truly deserve."

you need to FACE WHAT YOU FEAR from losing this manifestation. consider that the mere possibility of not having manifestation makes you feel unbalanced, agitated and spiralled. if you constantly just focus on "flipping the thought" & do not acknowledge the issue that makes you feel this way, you may end up feeling like you're gaslighting yourself. it is important to separate yourself from your manifestations in a way that they don't become the sole source of your self concept.

giving an example: lots of people ponder upon the question - "i am afraid what if i don't get my sp?"

yeah, so what? what would happen if you don't get your SP? how would that make you feel?rejected? hurt? alone? unworthy?

it is important to remember that you do not have to give anyone else more power on your mind than yourself. you are still a bad bitch, with or without your manifestation. you are still a catch. you are brilliant, kind & funny. someone else doesn't and will never define how worthy/deserving you are & how truly precious your love & energy is. give nobody the chance to make you feel lesser than the god/goddess you are.

you need to acknowledge that you would still be worthy despite having or losing the manifestation. working on solidifying your self worth & self concept as independent from what you're manifesting is the best way to feel grounded when negative circumstances show up.

taken from Corri T on YouTube, what i like to say to myself when something negative happens - "things change" - there's comfort in knowing that things will not and have never been the same all the time. everything is moving and this uneasiness will go away, these negative signs will go away, i do not have to feel powerless in the face of fear. these small signs hold no meaning or significance to me in front of how beautiful my end goal, my true manifestation is.

see the bigger picture and assure yourself that you're allowed to feel things out and that things change. they always will. keep assuming that even the most unexpected bridge of events may lead you to your desire.

[e1ectrostatic]

30 Day Fictionkind Challenge Day 21

Q: What's something about the fictionkind community that you wish was different?

A: There are a few things. Listing them all would make me sound like a naive idealist, but I'll do it anyway because I enjoy rambling.

For one, I wish it was bigger! At least, the community that knows the actual definition of fictionkin and doesn't define it as something that doesn't include identifying as your fictotype. Twitter is especially bad with this and I don't enjoy the culture there. From what I've seen, Tumblr gets it, but the fictionkin population is definitely smaller. It's hard to look for fictionkin (or fictionfolk in general)-specific community, but that may just be because I'm not looking hard enough. I'm primarily looking for sourcemates though, and that's definitely been a challenge. ID/V has little to no fandom presence on Tumblr unfortunately, and fictionfolk from that source are even harder to come by.

Piggybacking off of my first point about wanting more community that knows the actual definition of ficitonkin, I wish there wasn't so much misinformation. Maybe this doesn't count in the way I'm thinking of because that's technically outside of the community, but still. I often lament about how many incorrect definitions of "fictionkin" are out there, in the public consciousness. It's caused people to water fictionkinity down into things like "relating to the character", "connecting to the character", or "being a really big fan of the character".

I often see people pathologizing fictionkinity and treating it as if it were inherently a delusion. This can be the case, and is deserving of respect. It's not like that for everyone, though, and to assume so is incredibly presumptuous at best, and invasive and harmful at worst. As a result of this, I've seen people feel the need to reinvent fictionkinity by saying "It's not kin and it's not a D/A, it's just me." That is what 'kin is, or what it's supposed to mean.

You don't have to adopt any labels you don't want to, but I wish people would at least do some research and examine why they're averse to this label. If you walk away from it still not comfortable with it, that's all well and good; at least you're informed now. But if you do end up liking it, you have a community waiting for you with open arms. I guess I can't fully blame them, because the misinfo is so rampant, but it still bums me out sometimes.

Piggybacking x2, I wish there wasn't so much infighting and fakeclaiming. The psychological vs spiritual dichotomy for example is strange to me. All experiences within that binary, inbetween, and outside of it are equally deserving of acknowledgement and respect.

Doubles exist, and you retain the right to feel uncomfortable or not want to interact with them, but to call them all fake is extremely rude. Their identities are just as real and don't compromise your own. Just block and move on.

Someone with "unusual" or "too many" or "cringy/weird" or "problematic" fictotypes is still valid and deserving of dignity and decency. Again, if you're uncomfortable with someone, you don't have to interact with them. If they're not bringing material harm to themselves or others, it's no one's business. They're real people with feelings and struggles of their own, I'm sure rude comments about their fictotype(s) is the last thing they need. You don't know nor are you entitled to their personal information or relationship to their source(s). Either be courteous or leave them alone.

Basically, I just wish people would realize there's no strict rulebook to being fictionkind. As long as you earnestly, involuntarily identify as your fictotype, you're golden. As for voluntary cases, they're perfectly valid fictionfolk too, this is just a fictionkind-specific post :]. But copinglinkers and other voluntary alterfictional identities, I'm waving and wish you all the best.

There might be other stuff, but this is all I can think of for now. Let me know if I'm talking out of my ass for any of this. I guess I just want people to be kinder and more open to what this community actually is. It's a genuine identity with a rich community history that encompasses many different kinds of experiences, and that's so cool.

[exosupport]

I hate having nightmares about my exo trauma cuz whenever I try 2 tell my frens about it ppl always make jokes about me reading too much fanfics about my source and thats why I’m having the nightmares as if I’m not a fucking fictive who literally lived through it. Nobody gets what I’m going through it’s terrible. I was literally fucking experimented on for YEARS. i wasn’t allowed to have a fucking NAME. like. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW TERRIBLE THAT WAS? HOW FUCKING DEHUMANIZED I WAS? I was an object. For years. It’s not fucking easy to be a person after that. And nobody will just fucking understand. It was real. It was real for me.

- subject A

Sounds like you need more supportive friends to talk to tbh, other fictives who know what it's like.

In any case, you're not alone in the slightest. Most of the people in our system most affected by their exotrauma have been dehumanized and objectified (some cases being literally referred to as an object, some cases being an experiment only given a number)

You're absolutely right, it's insanely difficult to just. Be a person suddenly when you've never been treated like one before. Nightmares are one awful part of that but it really is the worst when people expect it to be a footnote of your past, think you can just move on.

When your trauma is all wrapped up in your identity, with your very sense of self like that the least accepting and understanding thing someone can do is expect change immediately or at a pace that isn't your own. It's entirely up to you what and who you want to be and your trauma is a part of that, it doesn't define you, but you're perfectly valid for acknowledging its influence and if you'd like to you're allowed to embrace it.

You're right, you're the authority on your experiences, and you deserve to be treated with respect. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need to vent or talk to someone who understands.

[ID: A banner with a Sanrio theme. It says, "Please get some rest" in a plain font. The background is colored with a subtle purple gradient with the texture of cartoon plants and flowers over it. There's two images, one at the either side of the banner.

The image on the left has Kuromi, a white imp-like rabbit who wears a black hood over her horns. Her hood has a simplified pink skull on it and her eyes are slanted downward, to express playfull deviousness. She is lying on her stomach, kicking her legs up and down, and writing in a pink and purple journal. There are two musical notes drawn next to her, one blue and one pink.

The one on the right has Kuromi lying on her stomach, with a black and purple handheld gaming system in her hands. She's smiling and playing her games. End ID]

[nonegenderleftpain]

I have never found any compelling historical bisexual lesbians. I have been genuinely trying to research and understand because I want to be accepting and open minded but my lesbianism is because I'm NOT attracted to men, and the experience of not being attracted to men is isolating! And I want a word to communicate that and I don't see any reason why bisexual can't be a whole and complete identity on its own! So please god share some research that I am NOT finding and change my mind because I am willing to listen! But the arguments are always just "you're exclusionary scum kys" and the source is always "bro trust me" and I'm sick of it!!

So I never like linking carrds or shit when people ask this question, but this page has a nice neat list of sources that have been compiled that are gonna save me some spoons I just don't have at the moment. I'll also try to find and re-pin my own post explaining why I personally identify the way I do, so check for that. Sources aside, your best source is always, always going to be talking to genderqueer lesbians in real life. Our voices are constantly silenced as sapphics - you know that, you are one. So listening to the stories of other people is a primary source. When bisexual lesbians tell you that this is what we are, that's a primary source that won't MAKE IT into the academic sources you're asking for. My sources are the 70yo transsexual crossdresser at the local club, telling me about his relationship with womanhood and his lesbian relationship with his fellow transsexuals that didn't know what the phrase "cis man" meant and didn't care to know. And butches like Bear Bergman, who have been educating on lesbian identities for decades and went on to happily marry cis men (please GD read hir book Butch Is A Noun and break down this mentality that isolation is what defines us rather than connection). There are other sources below.

https://bi-lesbian.carrd.co/#sources

I know what you mean about the experience being isolating! I do. My experience is also isolating. Being a transmasc lesbian, a subset of a subset, in an area where lesbianism of any sort is treated with violence is scary. We are not at odds here. We're siblings in this. As my old explanation shares (and I will pin it again), my gender identity is fucking complicated, as is my manhood, and my cis male partner I've been with for nine years, through transition from a pansexual little girl to a lesbian man, is not going to leave me. You wanna talk about isolating! But that isolation isn't what defines me. Someone else using lesbian as a term isn't taking it from you. Identity labels are descriptive, not prescriptive. I am a lesbian. I am also panromantic. I'm bisexual, and my fellow male butches deserve to be acknowledged and respected when I take them into my arms and into my bed. People are messy! People are confusing! People are not just pieces of compelling evidence used to approve or disprove our lived experiences. With all due respect, you do not get to decide if a lesbian is really a lesbian based on how compelling you find hir life story. Just as I don't get to decide you're not one.

Lesbian is a word that works just fine. Most everyone is going to know what you mean. If someone assumes that you love men, correct them. And if they assume it because someone else is living their authentic life, correct them viciously. Put the blame on the people trying to force you to be someone you're not, not on the people entitled men and cis lesbians tm are using as a scapegoat. I am sorry your experience has been isolating. You are not alone. Reach across that gap instead of withdrawing from other lesbians living their lives differently from yours, and clasp hands. That's how we build a less isolating community, that allows for more room to breathe and less people trying to decide if your isolation is *compelling* enough to belong.

[dreamwool]

The Ultimate Guide to Choosing a Luxury Bed for Comfortable Sleep

Getting a good night's sleep is essential for overall well-being, and investing in a quality bed can make all the difference. If you're in the market for a new bed that screams comfort and indulgence, you're in the right place.

In this guide, we'll walk you through the key considerations for selecting the perfect luxury bed that not only looks stunning but also provides the best sleep experience.

Defining Luxury in Your Bedroom

When it comes to a luxury bed, it's not just about sleeping; it's about creating a haven of opulence in your own home. This goes beyond aesthetics; it's an investment in your well-being. A true luxury bed combines exquisite materials, impeccable craftsmanship, and a design that whispers indulgence.

Pro Tip: Look for details like hand-stitched upholstery and solid wood frames for that touch of elegance.

Material Magic: Choosing the Right Fabrics and Finishes

The essence of a luxury bed lies in the materials. Picture sinking into sumptuous silk or the cool touch of Egyptian cotton. The choice of fabric sets the tone for your sleep sanctuary. Equally crucial is the finish of the bed frame – whether it's a classic wooden allure, a modern metal sleekness, or a blend of both- to ensure it's not just a visual treat but a tactile one too.

Pro Tip: Opt for materials that not only look luxurious but feel indulgent to the touch.

The Comfort Core: Balancing Support and Softness

A luxury bed is not just about appearances; it's about delivering a restful night's sleep. The mattress takes centre stage here. Consider memory foam for contouring support, latex for a natural bounce, or go for the best of both worlds with a hybrid mattress. The key is finding the perfect balance between support and softness tailored to your sleep preferences.

Pro Tip: Take your time testing mattresses to find the one that feels like a cloud tailored just for you.

Bespoke Elegance: Customizing Your Sleep Sanctuary

Your bed should be an extension of your personality. A true luxury bed offers customisation options, allowing you to choose the headboard design, colour palette, and even the finer details. Personalisation not only adds a touch of exclusivity but ensures your bed aligns seamlessly with your style.

Pro Tip: Don't shy away from expressing your individuality – it's your personal sanctuary.

Dressing for Success: The Importance of Quality Bedding

To complete the ensemble, invest in high-quality bedding. Luxurious sheets, plump pillows, and a snug duvet are the finishing touches that elevate your bed experience. The right bedding not only enhances the visual appeal but also contributes significantly to the overall comfort of your sleep haven.

Pro Tip: Treat yourself to the best bedding your budget allows – it's the daily indulgence you deserve.

Sweet Dreams, Smart Budgeting: Investing Wisely for Long-Term Comfort

While the term "luxury" often comes with a hefty price tag, view it as a wise investment in your well-being. Set a realistic budget that allows you to enjoy the benefits of a luxury bed without compromising your financial peace of mind. Think of it as a long-term commitment to quality sleep and daily rejuvenation.

Pro Tip: Quality sleep is priceless, and a well-chosen luxury bed is a step towards a healthier, happier you.

Conclusion

Choosing a luxury bed is a personal journey that involves a careful blend of aesthetics, comfort, and quality.

By understanding the essence of luxury, focusing on materials, prioritising support and customisation, and investing in quality bedding, you can create a sleep sanctuary that not only looks divine but also provides the rejuvenation you deserve.

Source :- https://luxurybednz.blogspot.com/2023/11/the-ultimate-guide-to-choosing-luxury.html

[bi-sapphics]

hi I’m the same anon and I read your response. I hope I didn’t misinterpret anything you said.

I agree that it’s unhelpful to harass people for past things if they’ve genuinely changed, but I guess there are some disclaimers. like you I also had a small blog with maybe 20 followers at most, and my most popular post (out of. 3?) got 120 notes if I remember correctly. I never talked about my beliefs irl. but I did harass one person online with two gross anon messages who was starting to consider themself non-binary (albeit I swiftly stopped after talking to them when I learned they were psychotic. I didn’t want to make them feel any worse than they probably already were).

needles to say I regret that immensely. but as for the other things I mentioned, they’re still terrible. being in that headspace is really fucking unhealthy because it’s so disconnected from reality. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you have to actively want to change, and most importantly do something about it. change is gradual, even if you know you’ve been wrong. saying you had a rf blog out of “curiosity” makes something terrible seem innocuous. if you’re going around saying you being a rf was out of curiosity I don’t think people are going to believe you really see that era of your life as so bad. my philosophy is that if you’re talking about something harmful you did or believed in, you shouldn’t bring it up out of nowhere and when you do talk about it, talk about it with regret. if you truly believe what you did was bad, the emotion should come forth naturally.

I think people who’ve got their priorities straight will be content that you’ve gotten out of that hateful headspace and (hopefully) are now helping spread awareness and support for trans rights. nonetheless you should be aware of your past actions and try to learn from them.

oh, i agree completely!

and i'm glad you added the part about how even innocent intentions, or just pure curiosity, doesn't absolve you of having gone there ─ because i honestly forgot to do so myself, and i guess subconsciously assumed that was somewhat implied. my point was that it shouldn't be a defining reputation of any sort going forward into the future like like all these obsessive people want it to be. if someone comes upfront to talk about working on themselves and how they learned from their decisions without even being pressured to, then they should at least be given a chance! especially when the outcome of their time was at such a low degree of change, if any at all.

i do think it's worth mentioning that it's always a good thing to learn about what your opponent truly believes or says when not being confronted within their own spaces. even if you're not looking for a debate, it's generally the most sincere thing you can do if you're going to be talking about them, or at least actively advocating for the other side.

of course, that's different from the type of interest that encourages you to treat them as a reliable source. it's something we have to be careful about, because it's easy to fall into those sort of hiveminds when you're not keeping what you're reading in check. we have to walk a line between avoiding that and also avoiding spreading blatantly false information. that's not to say anyone like radfems deserve the upmost respect and care, because they don't, but it is to say that managing not to straight-up slander someone is usually a good look that makes you more credible. it's... what anyone is supposed to do, really.

but besides that, it's all you can do. if people don't see sense in that then all they have to do is block ─ also a miniscule action ─ and beyond that it just comes across as unhelpful harassment to me.

just my extra two cents.

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[manikrege]

I reached out to the kid I bullied in school. It hurt like a bitch.

Moving places makes you realize how badly humans need closure. How hard we strive for the chapters of our lives to open & end neatly, one by one. And how much we hate cliffhangers, incomplete pages, or vague endings off the screen.

I tried to seek my closure yesterday. Because I'm moving away from the neighborhood I grew up in. Don't worry, it's nothing I'm going to miss. School sucked for me, as it did for most 'studious' kids.

Fat, nerdy, weird, and a bit on the 'girlish' side, it was like this boy entered the class wearing a cap that said, "Your new favorite target." Of course, the cool kids ganged up & left me broken. I felt all alone like a wet puppy abandoned in the rain.

So like a dog, I learned survival, the ugly way. I bit back, chewed on smaller prey. And before I knew it, became the very thing I hated the most. A bully.

Roy, let's call him that, had the same awkwardness that had made me a target. His only disadvantage was that he didn't want to fight back. This allowed me to slowly strangle him, one taunt at a time.

It started out as lame jokes that you'd expect from any teenager. Calling him "gay," laughing at his curves, making him feel unwanted. This graduated into mild jabs & punches. And then finally, one day, the five of us spent 2 straight hours 'roasting' him, stepping on every last piece of his self-confidence that we could find on the floor.

Turns out, he'd had enough & his father was at my door with an audio recording of what we thought was sublime standup comedy. I felt ashamed but cried victim, pushing the blame back onto him. Tit for tat.

We stopped playing with him after that day. He had become a traitor. I don't know if he found that liberating. And if he did, I can't imagine how fucked up that would be ... feeling happy to finally have no one you can make memories with.

I went abroad and forgot about Roy. Until yesterday when we were packing up and I saw him pass by. Something snapped. Like an ice cube being run down my neck.

As someone who has been through so many changes in the last few years, I felt an urgent need to prove to myself that I'm no longer the person I was years in 2014. I wanted to leave this shithole behind for good.

So I messaged him on Facebook.

Dear Roy,

I won't ask if you remember me because I know you do. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for how I treated you.

There's no explanation. No my side of the story. No excuse. And they weren't just harmless jokes.

I bullied you badly and caused you a lot of pain. Practically ruined your childhood. And I don't know if you're doing better. I hope you are.

You didn't deserve any of the shit I gave you. I did it because I felt powerless myself and needed something to fill that hollow space in my days.

We moved out yesterday & I wanted you to know that I'm aware of my mistakes and although I can't change the past, I am working to heal, both myself and others. I'm part of some NGOs that help poor kids in Majiwada. I do regular activities to put a smile on their faces.

Again, I know this isn't enough or even related but I hope someday you can forgive me. Even if you can't, I understand. And I really wish that you find love, happiness, and peace wherever you go - yes you do deserve those things. I was wrong.

Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Thanks.

He responded with that "blue thumbs up" icon. That's all. I didn't push it, either. We didn't have a heart-to-heart conversation to go over everything. I'll probably never see him again or know how he turned out to be. It just is.

So did I get my closure? As I unpack in my new room, I'm not sure if it matters anymore. Because I think human relationships are much messier than we let on. You cannot just file them into chapters.

Sometimes they'll end abruptly.

Sometimes they'll reappear again and again, unexpectedly.

And sometimes you'll find new meanings every time you go back to old pages.

More importantly, you cannot just erase the damage you do to people. You cannot say sorry hoping everything will be forgotten and forgiven. The harsh truth about scars is that they never really heal.

But someday someone will look at those scars you caused on people, and madly fall in love with them. Someone will find that pain beautiful. Someone will turn it into a source of strength and love. And you can take the first step towards making that happen - by just saying one word.

GET TO THE POINT- If you think you hurt someone, you're right 9/10 times because we're hardwired for empathy & kindness so the moment we give in to hate, our mind sends us a small hunch. So just say you're sorry. Not "sorry if I hurt you." Not "sorry but it wasn't my intention." Just. Fucking. Sorry. Own what you did. It means everything.

DON'T FORGET IT- Yes, it's best if you repent asap but even if it's 10 years later, admitting to your fuckups is the right thing to do.

DON'T EXPECT AN OK- Your sorry is about you choosing to become better. For the person in front of you, it represents lots of trauma, heavy baggage, and painful memories that they've probably suppressed or internalized. So they may not forgive you or even respond. Please respect their privacy & feelings this time. And move on.

Trust me, this was one of the hardest things I've done as an adult. That said, I think we all did stupid things when we were kids. I think we were all MADE TO DO stupid things by a select few who understood intuitively how war works. I think most of us were a form of entertainment. Puppets. Dogs in a fighting ring. Dogs trying to fit in, or be liked, or just be left alone.

Just realizing how insanely toxic this entire game was ... is probably the most obvious sign that you're growing up. I know I am. I'm actively working to be truer to the kid I was before they took him away from me. And I know it's not going to be some beautiful transformative journey away from my past like they show in the movies.

It'll be ugly, too painful to bear sometimes. Because I'll meet parts of me that I hate. Parts you'd hate if you knew them. Parts that I'd rather not be remembered for. But you know what?

Sometimes, the first step in conquering your demons is accepting that they exist.

That they make you but don't define you. That you have a choice to be kinder, sweeter, warmer. And the only thing that matters is whether you have the courage to make that choice even when the whole world is giving you a billion reasons not to.

Be that one reason everyone needs to heal.

[quitepossiblyknot]

Kill "me" now.

Hard of hearing. Ear infections. Macular degeneration. Near-sighted. Nearer to blindness. Straining to see. Concussions untreated. Seething. Repeated. Number seven. Not even the beginning. Seriously. Brain injury. Brain damaged. Famished. malnourished. Encouraged to play role? To that I say no. Disabled. No fable. Won't be treated as animal, chained, no way. Unstable. What do I offer? I've made tables and unable to sit, took it laying down, personalities, multiple, sclerosis, no doses for this pain, this staying, believed I was hated by every deity, why me, in these moments knowing I'm not alone is not a tone I'd prefer to certain separation, degrees, the ease in being pulled to cure, ensured myself a fighting chance, in spite of chance, at risk, close to death, no notices, no hospital, no insurance, no support in this, never asked for a cent, spent majority of existence in survival mode, spirals, throws, fits, misfit, unhinged, intense, introverted, disturbed, unheard, a word. Divergent. Atypical. Analytical. In critical condition. Long-living. Bed ridden. When in it, positioned to stand, for extended periods, knees and ankles reprimand me, shout, gout, how long of an uphill battle. Hypertension. High blood pressure. What measure of forever? I've been fighting for my space since five, since time existed, it's why I keep people at a distance, the friction, the resistance, the conflict, what I'm stricken with, affliction. Predisposition. I don't have the hands. I hand you off to another. No one is under any obligation to take care of me. Lonely. Pocket full of posies, only thing I can pull are flowers, they're down to earth, lower and over my head, micro to macro, sacral magnetism. A vision for me? To be on my own island. Stranded. Somewhere no one can find me on an atlas. Deaf, dumb, and blind, by design. Redesigning what I can define, reminding myself of the inverse, to disperse generational curses, inward, reverse, revert to original, if it takes me all my life, I can say I did it right, bad, all by myself. Why helping hands hurt? They feel they deserve to your entire life, hold it over your head like lightbulb, put you in debt, tied by contract, never given a thing without consequence, indentured servitude. Confidence? This is not it. Dotted... - by afroknotical for inkingechoes(ko-fi) ©2019

When people only come to you with their troubles, their burdens, their sadness, their anger, their fair share of problems, when you're treated like a revolving door, it takes more to be the bigger person. No longer serving ego. Validity and vanity share too much in common and coughing up blood is enough to shut down. Closed. We reach a limit in what we expose ourselves to. Being helpful to any and everyone can hurt you, especially when people only come bearing bad news and negativity consistently, it leaves residuals, it drains, it pains those who only want nothing more than for the source of someone else's suffering to be gone. Only thing is, some don't want it to leave, and they only come to you to leave more waste, and that toxicity builds, you become a landfill, and when the dam spills, you feel disgusted. You become congested, infected, and no one deserves to be disrespected in such a manner. There are leeches and vampires, and they'll bleed you dry. Succubi and incubi, know them by their actions, they speak louder, shrouded in mystery and charm, they'll do you harm on subtle levels. Never be manipulated by your compassion. Know your bounds. Ground yourself, to the root. Always get to the root to uproot weeds and leave miscreants at the door, no more revolving, you're out of orbit. Regeneration takes isolation. Isolate the sources of soreness, no more absorbing. No more forcing. Most aren't a good fit where you're growing, towards the light, you're responsible for who you keep in your circle. Hold yourself accountable, those are the tightest hugs no one will ever tell you about. Shout, "I'm worthy." Purge these parasites. Papaya is good for the soul. Fruit salads are growth. Go treat yourself kindly. Remind each cell in your body of what it means to cuddle, come closer to doing what's right for you. You ran yourself dry for others. Water yourself, stay rooted. Make room for lovers, such as yourself.

[hazyaltcare]

Hey uh could i get some positivity? The situation is kinda weird, i'm a fictive of a villain that did a lot of pretty fucked up things, there's only one thing i don't have many source memories/pseudomemories and the few i do have aren't me doing something horrible, the most i really experience is i feel like i did something i shouldn't have and i also look like the guy. So far i have 1. saw someone say any fictives like me should be forced out of the system (i don't even think you can do that) 2. Have seen a some threats to any fictives similar to me if they had a slighty worse canon then their own (also someone somewhat threatening their own persecutor that also happened to be a fictive of the same person as me) 3. Been forced front stuck by a sysmate literally the same day as i split since they hate me yet i don't even think we have spoken (they are also from the same source as me and i'm still front stuck)

Also if you have any tips on how to separate from source it would also be greatly appreciated as for certain reasons i'm going to try to separate myself from it at least somewhat but no big deal if not.

Sorry for kind of ranting it's been a long few days. Thank you for reading my mess even if you can't help me

Yo,

It's 🕶Alan. I was just about to silently add this to the list (positivity isn't my thing), but I realized I actually have some insight on this since, coincidentally, i'm actually a post-fictive myself.

First off, treating anyone like their source self is complete horse shit. Even if you did identify strongly with your source, no one with half a mind could stay exactly the same from one universe to the next.

Your systemmates should treat you with more respect. You're still a person regardless of your origins. You have done nothing to deserve the abuse you've received.

People react illogically when faced with the unknown. Keep trying to get in contact with them. Maybe notes could help? They need to see you as less of an ominous silhouette and more of as a person who's just afraid and confused as they are.

As for advice on seperating from your source, well, this is probably going to sound corny, but you already have. For me, seperating from my source wasn't as outward of a change as I initially hoped it would be. I still look like my source self. I just don't refer to myself as him. I don't stand for anyone treating me as him, either. I see my initially introjected self more as a phase of being I went through as a person that I evolved from rather than someone I currently am.

"Dirk Strider" is my past; not my present or future. And it's okay to remember that past too. I don't feel ashamed of my origins.

You're allowed to define yourself. Don't let anyone take that from you.

Mod Haze (🕶Alan)

[exosupport]

I'm exotraumagenic, and having trouble reconciling my exotrauma. Self-improvement is a major interest of mine, but only so I can help others and seek external validation. I tell myself I'm supposed to treat myself the same as others, but I can't bring myself to talk about how much it hurts without feeling like I'm burdening others. I'm terrified of troubling people, or even acknowledging how selfish I really am for seeking so much validation from assisting others. All I want is to not feel useless - but I can't escape it. Self worth is supposed to come from within, but I just can't manage to reconcile anything good about myself that isn't connected to helping or healing other people. I've tried so hard, made so many mistakes, garnered so many regrets despite my best intentions. But still, I find myself looking for ways to sacrifice myself. Any... Advice, I guess, on escaping the cycle of martyrdom & self sacrifice? I've only been here a week now, and fronted so often, but I just feel like I'm dragging everyone down.

I'm sorry to burden you with all this. Please feel free not to reply if it's all too much.

- Healer Vanilla cookie

Hmm grappling with self worth can be really complicated but I've definitely felt the same before both in exotrauma and from our current trauma and I have started to be a lot kinder to myself and started to genuinely feel a lot better than I used to.

Here's some steps you can take

Self reflection - you'll want to identify the source of your self-worth problems. What were times that you felt especially worthless? What did the people around you do to hurt or help during these times? If you've felt this way for a very long time without anything super drastic causing it you may struggle to pinpoint but try and think about the small moments. Some examples from my life are when in church I was compared to a tool/it was implied I was only as worthy as I was helping others + when I experienced bullying my father told me I was too argumentative and selfish so I probably provoked the bullying which made me feel like if I didn't quiet down and humble myself more that I was a bad person.

Eventually you'll be able to summarize the problem in an easier to describe/simplified way. For example, "I spent so much time being treated like an object that it's difficult to still feel human, it's hard to think I'm worth anything at all until someone objectifies me."

Then you'll want to try and find people who experience the same things. For me my self esteemed improved quite a bit when I was able to talk to people who felt the same way about themselves. This was both my own headmates who have similar/the same exotrauma as me, other introjects who'd experienced the same sort of stuff, and people who's current life trauma give them the same issues. The reason this is so helpful is because you're probably not going to be able to see yourself any differently than you were conditioned to on your own. But if your friend feels the same way about themselves, you have a better and kinder perspective. I often feel like I deserve to be dehumanized but then I think about when my friends have been, how I knew they didn't deserve that at all. Then I remember they view me the same way, that if they don't deserve that than neither do I. It's mutually beneficial and it's always nice to make friends.

When working on loving yourself you will never fully have an outside perspective, the concept of you is clouded and complicated and hard to define when you have all these feelings and experiences. Instead of trying to love yourself you first want to try to love BEING yourself. In our system when people are new or struggling with their individuality or feel weird we like to get them to play video games (minecraft is a popular choice here) because they can say "I might not like myself but I like being myself when I'm having fun" eventually this will start to morph into traditional self love as well.

Sometimes none of that is going to cut it, sometimes you'll have a bad day and despite your best efforts you won't WANT to be kind to yourself. This is when you will need to practice discipline and try your best to do it anyway. Sometimes you need to try and be kind to yourself just because you know you're supposed to, it's okay if sometimes selfcare is a chore you complete to cross it off your mental checkbox. Sometimes it's okay if the only reason you still try is because you want to be a good example or don't want your friends to be sad.

Hopefully this all helps somewhat! If you need help with any of these steps feel free to reach out

[exosupport]

I've seen my father in another system. I don't know what to do about it. After all the abuse he's put me through, and he doesn't remember any of it, because he's another him from another universe. He's not the same Charles Xavier but I'm still triggered by that if it makes sense. I can't control it I mean. I've seen his name in that system who doesn't even know and I couldn't breathe. This is to say it's all my fault I wasn't a better son. That I'm so broken my father had to leave me and abuse me. I'm sorry dad. And I'm sorry I react like this whenever I see you anywhere, it's not any system's fault but mine. And it makes me feel so sick how everyone idolises him like he's so great of a person when he treated me like shit.

-David Haller

It's not your fault and it never was. No matter what you did or what weaknesses or problems you had you never deserved to be abused. If he made you feel that way then he can fuck off with that victim blaming shit.

As for the issue with other fictives, it's true that it's not other system's fault and they're different people who just happen to share a name and appearance. Despite this, as long as you explain this it's perfectly fine to set the boundary of wanting to try and avoid this friends' system member personally. I think as long as someone made it clear that it's because of a trigger and wasn't guilt trippy about it I wouldn't mind if someone said something like, "if it's possible can [name] not talk to us when [their headmate] is fronting?"

At the end of the day it's normal and okay to have negative associations with certain sources and so long as you're aware that it's a personal problem and needs to be handled the way you would conflicting triggers/accessibility needs rather than blaming anyone or shaming anyone for their sources then it's perfectly fine to start defining boundaries.