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Diddy Kind of Expected Government to Fake His Death By Now

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - As the first week of music mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs sex trafficking trial wrapped up Friday, the music executive made it known that he didn’t actually think that he’d ever make it to the trial, with him kind of expecting the government to fake his death by now.

“I thought I’d be on a private island with Biggie and Epstein by now,” Diddy said during court. “There are going to be some names that get said during this trial, some very big and influential names that you wouldn’t expect. Names that can’t afford to have their name tarnished like this. I really thought that the government would have faked my death by now, but I guess they don’t give influential black men the Epstein treatment.”

Diddy had reportedly written a letter to the Department of Justice requesting “the Epstein treatment,” which had been ignored and thrown out. Diddy had also contacted several overseas governments including Switzerland and the United Arab Emirates requesting “asylum,” all of which had been denied.

Despite the odds being stacked against him, Diddy still remains hopeful. “They’re trying to do me like R. Kelly, but I’ll show them that I’m OJ Simpson,” Diddy said in his closing statement. “When you’re wealthy, anything is possible in this country.”

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Area Man Who Hasn’t Had Job in Nearly a Year Claims That He’s on ‘Employment Strike’

MOBILE, ALABAMA - Claiming to be taking a “principled stand against capitalism,” area man Bill Conradt, 56, who hasn’t had a job in nearly year and hasn’t put in any effort in finding one, claims that that wasn’t done out of laziness, but rather was done in an effort to protest modern working conditions in what he is calling an “employment strike.”

“I’m not unemployed, I’m on strike,” Bill clarified while sitting on his couch with a bottle of A&W in his hand. “I will not move from this couch until some major changes are introduced in the U.S. workforce. The revolution starts with me.”

People close to Bill report that he hasn’t been himself ever since he stopped working, claiming that he lacks purpose and now has a much more grim attitude, which some closed ones attribute to depression and drug use, which Bill thoroughly denies.

“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Bill insisted. “I just recognize how unfair this country is to its workers, and I’m labeled as the crazy one for calling it out by not working?”

Bill’s current jobless lifestyle mainly consists of him sitting down and watching TV all day, occasionally stopping to grab another beer or to take another nap. Bill’s wife, Mabel, has expressed concern with his new lifestyle.

“This isn’t the hardworking man that I married,” Mabel said. “Not only does he not work, but he doesn’t do anything around the house either. He doesn’t clean up after himself, he doesn’t cook, he barely even talks to me anymore. All he does anymore is sit on the couch and act like he’s ‘fighting for the people.’ It’s like a switch flipped in him. He went from the hardest working man that I knew to a freeloading bum in a matter of months.”

Ever since Bill stopped working, Mabel had to step up and get a job for herself so that expenses could continue being paid. “He doesn’t understand the toll his ‘protest’ has on the people around him,” Mabel said. “He’s actively making his friends and family’s lives worse, but he doesn’t care.”

Mabel has gone on to file for divorce against Bill, which Bill protested against by drinking 15 bottles of A&W instead of his usual 8.

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Trump Ties Self Up to Local McDonald’s to Prevent Discontinuation of McRib

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Refusing to leave until his demands were met, President Donald Trump has tied himself up to the door of a local McDonald’s to prevent the discontinuation of the McRib, an item which has traditionally been seasonal in recent years, demanding that it become a permanent part of the menu.

“I will not leave unless the McRib stays!” Trump declared. “Sorry, I’m getting a little emotional here. But the McRib has done so much for many people in this country, including myself. It’s got us all through some tough times. The fact that the McRib’s greatness is only recognized during select times of the year is quite frankly heartbreaking.”

Sources say that the President arrived to the McDonald’s in question at around 5:30 AM, shortly before the establishment was set to open, where he tied himself to the door with a robe, where he has remained ever since.

Trump’s protest quickly grew a crowd of supporters and critics alike. Employees, who were unable to enter the establishment due to Trump’s protest, tried to reason with him, claiming that they had no control over when the McRib was available and that it was ultimately corporate’s decision. They even offered to give Trump a free meal if he was willing to untie himself, but Trump didn’t want to hear it.

Eventually, employees threatened to call the cops if Trump didn’t move, but Trump persisted. “I don’t care what you do, I’m not moving!” Trump exclaimed. “I want to talk to Ronald McDonald or whoever runs this whole operation, because I demand answers!”

The McDonald’s Corporation has released a statement on the matter, saying in part: “While we appreciate the enthusiasm for the McRib, it is a limited time offering that is only in season based on a rotational schedule and pork supply logistics.”

Despite this, Trump has still refused to untie himself from the door even after 7 hours and has even claimed that he’ll die tied up to this McDonald’s if he has to. “I will die for the McRib like how Jesus died for our sins,” Trump concluded. “The removal of the McRib is an injustice to all Americans, and I will fight to the death to make this injustice go away.”

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Trump Bashes Person Who Enacted Tariffs As ‘Complete Fucking Idiot’

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Holding back nothing as he went in on whoever was responsible for this, President Donald Trump lashed out at the “fucking idiot” responsible for the United States’ vast tariffs against other countries, most notably against Canada and China, during a press conference on Wednesday.

“These tariffs have been a total disaster,” Trump snapped. “Just horrible, horrible policy. Whoever put them in place clearly has no idea what they’re doing. They must really hate America with the way they’re hurting the American people with these tariffs.”

These comments come hours after the Trump Administration announced a new wave of tariffs targeting foreign made electronics, steel, and for some reason, Belgian waffles. The economic fallout was almost immediate. Markets crashed, prices rose significantly, and the exporters were left in a state of panic.

When journalists would accuse Trump of enacting the tariffs himself, Trump would clap back. “Who? Me?” Trump asked. “I would never. Only an idiot would enact tariffs like these, and I am no idiot. Believe me, everyone knew that these tariffs were going to fail from the start. Well, everyone besides the complete and utter dipshit who enacted them.”

At publishing time, Trump vowed to launch an investigation to figure out who enacted these consequential tariffs, and pledged to hire Donald Trump to fix what Donald Trump did.

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Trump Welcomed in Saudi Arabia With Public Execution Display

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA - Calling it the best greeting that he’s ever received from a foreign country, President Donald Trump was welcomed in Saudi Arabia Tuesday with a red carpet, a crowd of cheering patrons, and a front row seat to a public execution that was held in his honor.

The ceremony included a display of convicted journalists, activists, religious minorities and homosexuals, all of whom were publicly beheaded in front of a large crowd, with President Trump and the Saudi Royal Family in the front row.

“You see? This is how you treat a world leader,” Trump reportedly told Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. “I’ve been to a lot of ceremonies. A lot. But this? I’ve never been to a ceremony like this before. A ceremony that treats its guest with such a terrific welcome — a welcome that people are willing to take their own lives over. It’s tremendous — spectacular, really.”

Trump also expressed interest in having public executions in the United States. “I’ve been telling them that we need to start doing what they’re doing in Saudi Arabia,” Trump said. “The people in Saudi Arabia have such respect and dignity because they live in a constant state of fear. They still have shame. But whenever I bring this up the left always goes on about ‘human rights’ and ‘tolerance.’ You won’t even believe how bad wokeness has gotten in our country!”

Mohammed bin Salman praised the event as a symbol of the nation’s “shared values,” something that both nations hope to bring to light during Trump’s visit to the country.

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Black High School Student Suspended for Sporting ‘Gang Affiliated’ Skin Color

GRAND FORKS, NORTH DAKOTA - Claiming to prioritize the safety of their students first and foremost, a local high school in Grand Forks has received national controversy for suspending a student for a “gang affiliated” skin color. According to the suspension notice, the student in question, 17 year old Jamal Edwards, had been “willfully exhibiting gang affiliated skin pigmentation,” causing widespread concern across the school and leading to several students to report Jamal.

“We’ve had issues with these kinds of people in the past,” principal Daniel Berkworth said in a statement. “They usually move together in groups and generally cause trouble, something that we have no place for in our school. The safety of our students is our upmost priority.”

This move has caused widespread controversy, but the school remains firm in its decision. “We’re just trying to keep our students safe,” Berkworth explained. “Those types of students are known to be troublemakers, so we had to act fast and take the trash out.”

Jamal and his family have responded by filing a 2.1 million dollar lawsuit against the school, claiming racial discrimination. The school has responded by issuing a statement, stating, “We reserve the right to suspend any black student for any reason whatsoever in order to maintain an environment where students feel safe, welcomed and comfortable.”

Follow The Misinformer to stay up to date on how this lawsuit plays out.

[themisinformer]

America Celebrates Mother’s Day By Cutting Childcare, Family Benefits

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a touching display of appreciation, the United States has celebrated Mother’s Day this year by passing sweeping cuts to childcare programs, family assistance subsidies, and parental leave.

“Today, we honor the selfless, hardworking mother’s of this great nation,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson moments before introducing a bill that would eliminate government funding for childcare centers “to encourage good old fashioned parenting.”

The bill also includes provisions to reduce access to paid parental leave, arguing that “real moms” wouldn’t need a break after childbirth if they “weren’t so lazy and had more grit.”

“To all the mother’s out there, we see you. We love you,” Johnson continued. “This is the one day of the year where we get to show appreciation to you, which is why we’re cutting programs in order to spice things up and make your job a bit more stimulating.”

Meanwhile, millions of mothers from across the nation have been treated to breakfast in bed, followed by being forced to clean the kitchen afterwards. Many mothers reported feeling deeply moved by the nation’s ability to express love through Instagram tributes while sitting back and watching them do all the real work.

“It’s nice to be appreciated once a year with Eggo waffles and the lack of government aid,” said Andrea Lopez, a mother of three and full time janitor at a local middle school. “It makes me feel really seen. Not by the government, but at least my husband and kids tried to make this day feel special.”

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GameStop Now Allowing People to Sell Their Houses to Them for $11

GRAPEVINE, TEXAS - Video game retailer GameStop has now entered the real estate business, and is now allowing people to sell their houses to them in exchange for $11 in cash or $6.25 in store credit, according to a press release released on Saturday.

The new trade in program, dubbed “CribTrade,” is a part of GameStop’s ongoing effort to remain relevant in a world that moved on from disc based gaming sometime around 2015.

Customers who sell their house to GameStop must provide proof of ownership, a utility bill, and be willing to accept that their home is only worth than a pre-owned copy of Madden 2017.

“We have no idea what we’re doing, but hey, a part of the job is giving it your best effort,” said GameStop employee Adam Kelter, who like most GameStop employees, has no experience in real estate and has no sort of official licensing. “If their house doesn’t look like it came straight out of Fallout, then it’s probably a good sign.”

CribTrade is already receiving backlash for undervaluing homes. The company allegedly traded a 3.2 million dollar Malibu home for $11 and a used copy of Guitar Hero Live for the PS3 that came with no guitar before flipping the home for the original 3.2 million dollars price. GameStop, however, says they reserve the right to flip the houses under the contract that all people must sign before trading in their homes.

Despite the backlash, some customers still remain loyal to the program. “I’m saving up to by a house back from them,” said Scott Young, who’s been trading in old games and Funko Pops for months. “I only need 29,000 more trades.”

CribTrade is now officially licensed in 38 states, and is expected to be available in all 50 states by next year, giving financially irresponsible gamers something to look forward to.

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Trump Supporters Storm Vatican Following Rumors That Papacy Was Stolen from Trump

VATICAN CITY - Chaos erupted in the Vatican this morning as hundreds of Trump supporters stormed St. Peter’s Square shortly after a new Pope was selected following online rumors spread by President Donald Trump himself that the Papacy was stolen from him, despite the fact that he had never ran for the position.

The protesters, many of whom were unaware that the Pope is elected by cardinals and not voters in the United States, demanded that the new Pope step down he could make way for the “real” Pope, Pope Trump, refusing to recognize anyone else in the position.

“Trump won! Trump won!” one protester was heard shouting. “He had the votes! It was stolen from the left!” Trump supporters would keep St. Peter’s Square occupied for several hours, causing significant damage to several structures and monuments in the process, refusing to leave until Pope Leo XIV agreed to step down.

Things only ended when Pope Leo XIV himself came out of the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica with a Musket and began shooting at protesters, causing everyone to flee the Vatican. When it was all said and done, four people were left dead.

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Jordan Hires Basketball Legend Michael Jordan to Help Promote Their Sneakers

BEAVERTON, OREGON - Hoping that this will be a business venture that will be beneficial for both parties, sportswear company Jordan has announced a business partnership with Basketball legend Michael Jordan, who has signed a deal with the company to help them promote their “Air Jordan” sneakers.

“Michael Jordan is the perfect fit for our brand,” Nike CEO Elliott Hill said during a press conference, Nike being the company that produces Air Jordan’s. “Michael was a Basketball icon, perhaps the greatest Basketball player of all time, and Basketball players need the best sneakers to be on top of their game, and Aid Jordans are those sneakers.”

Jordan, who was known for his quickness and jumping ability on the court, has gone on to credit Air Jordan for much of his success in Basketball. “I’ve been a fan of the Air Jordan shoes for years,” Jordan said. “With Jordan’s patented cushioning support system, I’ve been able to make even the most difficult of shots. I’ve used Air Jordans for my entire career, and if you want to be a winner like Michael Jordan, then you should too.”

Although some have questioned if hiring a Basketball player as a brand endorser for Jordan would be a successful endeavor, early signs have pointed to success, with Jordan’s sales jumping up 23% not after the partnership was made public.

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X Rated Best Social Media Platform By ‘Racists Weekly’

HARRISON, ARKANSAS - Praising the microblogging service for being one of the only major social media platform that platforms its cause, Racists Weekly, the number one magazine for racists in the country, has ranked X as the best social media platform for racists for the third consecutive year in a row out of a list of 100 social media platforms that they ranked.

“X is the only major social media platform that actively supports our cause,” said Editor-in-Chief for Racists Weekly, Dale Jones. “They believe in free speech and give us a platform in an era where most racist rhetoric is suppressed online, and we’re very thankful that we have a platform in X where we feel welcomed and accepted.”

Prior to Elon Musk’s purchase of X in 2022, X (then Twitter) would rank towards the bottom at their annual rankings, but ever since Musk purchased the social media platform and rebranded it as “X,” things have turned around.

“Elon is one of the few people who really get us,” Dale told reporters. “He’s a free speech absolutist. He values discussion and other people’s perspectives and will actively platform people who prompt discussion and engagement discussion on X, which is part of the reason as to why racists have been so successful on X.”

The magazine specifically praised X for its “welcoming algorithm,” “commitment to free speech,” and its “diverse community of hate groups, contrarians, and trolls.”

“X is the platform for racists,” Dale concluded. “For far too long, our opinions have been suppressed online, but now on X, we’re letting people know that we’re here, we’re a massive community, and we’re not going away.”

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New Grand Theft Auto VI Trailer Reveals That Game Will Largely Be About Performing Community Service

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Wanting to put a new spin on the classic video game series, Rockstar Games released the trailer for Grand Theft Auto VI today, revealing many aspects of the game’s gameplay and storyline, most notably that the game will largely revolve around the player performing community service.

“The past 14 GTA titles have revolved around crime, so we felt that it was time to evolve,” said Rockstar President Sam Houser. “With Grand Theft Auto VI, the player will be an everyday working citizen for once as they go around Vice City doing good deeds, which we feel like is a long overdue and much needed change.”

The trailer, set to a slowed down orchestral version of N.W.A’s “Straight Outta Compton,” opens with one of the game’s protagonist, Jason Duval, reporting for mandatory highway trash duty after he was previously pulled over by police for running past a red light. Traumatized by the whole ordeal, Jason vows to never get into trouble with the law ever again.

Jason is accompanied by his longtime girlfriend Lucia Caminos, who helps him with his good deeds. Jason and Lucia are a traditional Catholic couple, who are waiting until marriage to have sex, which won’t happen in the game, according to Rockstar employees.

To encourage good behavior, Rockstar has replaced the 5 star wanted level system with an all new 5 star morality level system. Now instead of receiving a star whenever you commit a crime in public, you receive a star whenever you perform a good deed or random act of kindness. For each star you get, you get public compliments from people nearby. Reach 5 stars, and then the police will personally walk up to you to shake your hand and offer you a coupon for the local cafe.

“We really wanted to capture the thrill of uplifting your community,” Houser continued. “It’s easily the most realistic and immersive Grand Theft Auto title yet.”

Gamers who have gotten early access to the game for testing purposes report a fun and laid back gaming experience. “You get to do things that you’ve never been able to do in GTA before,” said Ian Merkin, a journalist for IGN. “You get to clean up trash and bake cookies for your new neighbor. It’s an incredibly fun and wholesome experience.”

Grand Theft Auto VI is set to release on May 26, 2026 after a yearlong delay, and it is expected to be the most successful video game of the modern era.

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Bad News, Gamers: New Game Won’t Feature Any Minorities for Us to Complain About Wokeness

Welp, gamers, it’s over. Gaming is officially dead. The long anticipated game “Earthlings” just released, and upon our first playthrough, we found out that there are absolutely zero racial minorities, LGBT characters, or strong female protagonists for us to complain about in the game. We might as well just wrap it up at this point, because the gaming industry will never recover from this.

This is horrible news for our platform and other content creators who have built their entire brand on complaining about wokeness in media. Like what do they expect us to do now, actually sit down and enjoy the game? What do they think this is, 2012? Nobody actually cares about video games anymore — we just want to complain about the downfall of western media. But we can’t even do that anymore because they took that away from us too.

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Citing Financial Issues, Rachel Dolezal Announces She Identifies As White Woman Again

TUCSON, ARIZONA - Claiming that the way she identified was no longer financially viable in this current economy, public figure and former NCAA chapter president Rachel Dolezal has announced that she will cease identifying as a black woman and instead return to her roots as identifying as a white woman, citing financial issues as the primary reason.

“While identifying as a black woman was indeed fulfilling, it just doesn’t pay the bills like identifying as other races does,” Dolezal wrote on social media. “It was a tough decision, but ultimately I’ve decided to identify as a white woman again for my own financial security.”

Dolezal would receive public scrutiny back in 2015 when it was revealed that she was a white woman with two white parents despite presenting herself as black. Following the controversy, Dolezal was ousted from her position as NCAA chapter president, and has struggled to maintain a job ever since due to the controversy, which is believed to be the reason why she is going back to identifying as a white woman again.

“Being black is how I truly feel on the inside,” Dolezal explained. “But on the outside, in reality, identifying as black won’t get me as far in the long run as being white would. I will forever have an appreciation for black culture, but I know that being white will open up more doors for me at this point in my life.”

When asked what she plans on doing next, Dolezal paused before saying, “I’m looking into identifying as a financially stable woman next. One can only dream.”

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‘Blur’s 1996 Single ‘Charmless Man’ Was Not About Me,’ Elon Musk Says Completely Unprovoked

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Defending himself by saying that he’s “very charming,” businessman and White House adviser Elon Musk would take to X (formerly known as Twitter) to clarify that Blur’s 1996 Britpop hit “Charmless Man” was definitely not about him, despite the fact that there was no discussion about it prior.

The post, which included no prior context, read:

“Look, I know a lot of people are wondering, but no — Blur’s “Charmless Man” isn’t about me. I wasn’t even that rich yet at the time. And also, I’m very charming. I have lots of charm — like a ton! Ask Grimes, and she’ll tell you.”

When asked for clarification on what on Earth he was talking about, Musk would follow up with a 37 tweet thread detailing how he was actually “very charming,” including his “epic” meme curation skills, a list of female pop artists he has allegedly had sex with, and a pie chart titled, “Reasons Why I’m Fun At Parties,” which included a 92% slice labeled “Intellectual Dominance.”

People were left baffled by Musk’s sudden outburst. “Nobody has ever linked Elon Musk to that song, like ever,” said British music historian Nigel Metcalf. “The fact that Elon heard that song and was worried that it would remind people of him in a negative light is honestly kind of sad but also pretty funny.”

Musk would go on to conclude the thread with one final post:

“Anyways, just wanted to clear that up. Now back to cutting unneeded government programs. Very charming stuff.”

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Rockstar Games Reveals That the True Grand Theft Auto VI Were the Friends We Met Along the Way

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Following their announcement that the long awaited Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until May of 2026, video game developer Rockstar Games would attempt to soften the blow by claiming that what matters is not the wait for the game, but rather the friends we made along the way instead.

“It’s times like this where we truly begin to appreciate the value of friendship,” Rockstar CEO Sam Houser said in a statement. “During this decade long wait, we can all admit that we’ve built lifelong friendships that we can cherish forever, and that matters more than the wait for some game. That’s the true Grand Theft Auto VI, my friends.”

Grand Theft Auto VI, the next addition in the GTA series, has been in development for well over a decade and has become the most anticipated video game in recent years. As such, fans were understandably upset about this delay. In an attempt to make up for this delay, Rockstar has issued a 2% discount on all Shark Cards for GTA Online, which you can redeem right now.

“We can understand why people are upset,” Houser explained. “But at the end of the day, there’s more to life than video games. While we wait for the eventual release of Grand Theft Auto VI, we can start to appreciate the simpler things in life, like reading books and Grand Theft Auto Online.”

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Man Loses House Betting on Bronny to Drop 30

POMONA, CALIFORNIA - Lakers super fan and part time DoorDash driver Nicholas Irvine is now houseless after he placed his entire life savings along with the deed to his suburban Pomona home on LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. dropping 30 last night against the Minnesota Timberwolves. But despite Nicholas’ confidence that Bronny and the rest of the Lakers would secure the victory, they would end up losing against the Timberwolves 103 to 96, causing the Lakers to not make the playoffs and causing Nicholas to go homeless in the process.

“I really thought he had this one in the bag,” Nicholas said from the back of his now permanent residence, a sun-faded Honda Civic with 217,000 miles and no A/C. “Bronny’s been quiet all season, but I figured this was his chance to unleash his inner LeBron. I guess I had too much faith in him.”

Despite his circumstances, Nicholas remains optimistic. “My story will just motivate Bronny to do even better next season,” Nicholas explained. “Next year, he’ll be dropping 50, and hopefully I’ll have enough money to upgrade to a halfway decent minivan by then.”