thewondersofme

[thewondersofme]

Just when you thought maybe you had made some real break throughs in life ….. you realize your in bed in the dark crying yourself to sleep. Hello darkness my old friend….

[thewondersofme]

I am trying so hard everyday. But this just doesn’t seem to get better. Yes I’ve talked to friends but how many days/weeks/months can you keep saying the same shit. My life isn’t getting better. I stopped alcohol, I stopped drugs. I stopped socializing with the wrong kind of people. I moved house. But I am just as lost as I was two months ago, a year ago. I literally don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.

[thewondersofme]

.....And the thing is no one really knows how sad I really am.

[thewondersofme]

One thing I have always been able to do (99% Of the time) is wake up feeling ok. No matter how the day before ended, for some reason when a new day comes I feel ready for it. I feel so lucky to have this, and so scared that one day it may go. I couldn’t wake up in the morning and be met with fear and dread. I really feel how I am able to wake most days positive really has been the key to me getting this far in life. Sleep is so so so important.

Even though give it a few hours and my world will be crashing lol. But right now In this moment I feel good. And I feel grateful that.

If you are not waking feeling good then I am sending you love, hugs, positive energy and I am wishing you a day that brings you calm and peace.

Remember this world is a much better place with you in it, even if you can’t see it.

Xoxo

[thewondersofme]

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of doing something, and then out of no where it hits you..... The realization that you have nothing figured out. The realization that everyone around you seems to be content, know where they are going, and just in general seem like they have all their shit together. Then there is you, struggling to get through each day. Waking up, only to look forward to the day being over so you can go back to sleep. I am scared, SO FUCKING SCARED and I am so exhausted with this constant battle in my mind. all day. everyday.

[thewondersofme]

Someone said something similar to this to me the other day when I was saying how alone I felt, and that I felt I wasn’t connecting with other people as much. Then it hit home. I am a really good person, I have a kind heart, I hate to see others suffer because I know what it feels like. I am different because I hate small talk and long for deep real connections to make real friends. In Los Angeles, in the gay world, this is actually very hard, everyone obsessed with sex, drugs, how they look and wealth. Sad but true. I am not that, and I think that makes me a pretty awesome person to Know. I wanted to share with you, because hopefully it might make someone else feel less like there is something wrong with them, when actually it can be the world around us. 🖤

[thewondersofme]

Dreams vs Reality

I sometimes think to myself I just don’t know what to do in life. I can sometimes completely convince myself that my music career will never happen. it hasn’t till this day after years of trying. so why will it now? i know that is crazy to look at it, and i really try and draw inspiration from very successful people, who never gave up and hope that will be a similar story of mine. What crazy is you actually feel helpless. you can make something, tell your story, work hard to make it sounds as best as you can. and that about a far as you can go with control. once thats all done, and you put faith into other people to get your song out there. to find the right platforms, homes for you songs to live. and then once your through that it simply comes down to the most basic thing, do people like it? And this is something you literally have no control over. that’s scary. you can work your ass off, you can be signed to a huge label, spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, pull out all the stops, and when that song hits the world, and is lucky enough to get enough exposure, you wait, you hold your breathe, you fixate on the numbers, daily even hourly, trying to see if something has ignited or witnessing something that maybe hasn’t connected. its fucking brutal.  the thing is people think when you chase dreams that is it just that, a dream. but we all have to remember a dream, is just that a dream. its not real. in our dreams we envision the perfect scenario, the perfect life, everything falling into place JUST LIKE WE DREAMED. but in reality this truly isn’t the case. once a dream starts to happen, and many aspects will happen from that dream, the dream is no longer the dream, it becomes reality. And as we all know reality has problems, hurdles, ups and downs things that we didn’t dream about, then become a part of the “ dream”. this can be sometimes extremely discouraging. sometimes making you question am i even living my dream. for some this is enough to make them turn their back on what they thought was their dream. thinking it wasn’t real and that they could never get it. but maybe they already had it? just with realities problems. i feel i have fallen victim to this. There is also a fine line between dreams and nightmares. I for one sometimes don’t know which side i walk on. there are fleeting moments that I’m like yes, this is why i do this. but i find more often not, that this dream of mine feels like a nightmare, it leaves me feeling very empty. why? when its all you have ever dreamed of?, because in this world we spend time comparing our realities to others realities, and most of the time others realities are curated. not telling the true story. so we are all left feeling and thinking that our dreams aren’t coming true because of the problems we face in reality, and that we see others that portray what a dream really is like to live it, and that they have achieved it.

I wonder how many times people “ living the dream” cry? feel like a failure, feel not enough, feel like that haven’t achieved the dream, compare where they are to where others are, feel frustrated, beat themselves up. i believe if we was pull the curtain and go behind the scenes to all those people we compare to, or think that are living “ the dream” we would be so surprised at how many feel like that. it would almost be sad. sad to think so many people feel that way. when actually they are living a dream. but they are living it in reality not in dreamland, not in their head.

dreams give us hope. they give us hope to a better life. a life filled with happiness, love, contentment, fulfillment, to make us feel like we can feel complete if we can live our dream. and yes this is true. . and we all deserve to live a life like this. we can reach this place, we can feel all of these emotions. yes it is possible. but these will be moments. and moments don’t last forever. they come and go. and new moments come just as ones we are in are leaving us. as i say we can have it, we can reach these goals, but what we have to prepare ourselves for and accept is that with every  one of these dream moments ,can, and probably will come nightmare moments. this is absolutely normal. this is actually to be expected. and when these moments hit, you ave to accept them. not fight them. these are a part of the dream. almost like a ying yang. to know what high is, you have to know what low is. if you didn’t know low would you ever know you was high? it’s the same with happiness. if you didn’t feel sadness, how would you know if you were happy? you wouldn’t. so how would you know you are living the dream, if you didn’t know the nightmare? again, you wouldn’t. so maybe , just maybe, you are living the dream. maybe different from the dream you dreamt, but look around, think about it, a dream nevertheless.

this is something i am working my hardest on trying to come to terms with. its a bit sour. to some kinda depressing. but actually its kind of beautiful. its what makes us feel. what reminds us we are alive and that we are human. It what brings us together. and allows us to truly learn to enjoy and celebrate these moments of dreams, because they are not permanent. dreams come in all shapes and sizes. learn to acknowledge them, enjoy them, remind yourself you are so lucky to even have these fleeting moments. To know what is it like to have that feeling. hold onto it, cherish it, and work towards the next one. don’t let them pass you by. you’re a dream catcher. your own dreamcatcher. so capture them dreams, before they pass you by.

xoxo

[thewondersofme]

This hit hard.

[thewondersofme]

Hey Guys, 

I hope you are safe and well. i wanted to write a post today that gives you a little more info as to where i am at, and going through currently and it just gives you more of an insight to well, me :)

i was diagnosed with biPolar Disorder about three years ago and ever since then I have been on a lot of medication in high dosages. I even had to start taking medication to sleep at night, a problem that I started having after I started my daily meds for bipolar. Yes i stopped having the high highs and the low lows, but three years later it started to dawn on me that i didn’t really feel anything. i wasn’t happy or sad, up or down, I didn’t really laugh as much and rarely cried. Now I know your probably thinking well thats great, or thats what is supposed to happen, and yes BUT.... I started to feel like i was kinda numb. I felt like over the three years very slowly I was losing me. It’s like i was just there, like living but not living. its really hard to explain. i had no sense of urgency, I felt i had lost of sense of ambition, drive and just that spark that made me, me. over the last year during covid it was like it didn’t really effect me, I was so chill about it all. The world is in a fucking pandemic, I am earning no money, i just spilt from my boyfriend who i was living with and i was fucking chill.... CHILL! like, no way that can be right. Its like i was sat in a burning house chilling with a fucking pina colda. nope. not right. 

i asked a few friends, and they all agreed and said they have noticed a big difference. i would forget things more often, and that sometimes they felt like i was kinda vacant. This kinda “WOKE” me up. I was like holy shit what the hell have i been putting into my body all these years without any questions or hesitation. i was in such a bad place back then that i would have done and taken anything to feel better, I was so scared. But now, now I’m like fuck what have i done.....

I feel that in America they are so quick to diagnose and throw you on medications. for anything and everything. With my psychiatrist, i would start on a medication, a side would pop up, so i would get another medication added to control that, and so on, until I was taking 5 Different Meds to get through the day. THIS CANNOT BE RIGHT. 

So, i made the decision to stop all my medications except my ADHD RX, and One anti-depressant. The rest, gone. I probably didn’t do it the most smart way as I just stopped, cold turkey. Which looking back was very irresponsible of me. I should have spoken with doctor and made a plan to lower dosages and safely come off them. But at the time I was no fucking way am i putting more shit inside my body. It was like a shock reaction. But thats what i did. It’s been tough, but honestly i was expecting it to be a lot worse. i was expecting to crash, which thankfully, so far, hasn’t happened.

Along with the stopping of my prescribed medications, I decided to stop drinking alcohol, and stop taking drugs recreationally. This was a big decision, because I knew that a lot was going to change in my life, because being in the Gay community in LA, most of the social side of things involved drugs and alcohol. It’s everywhere, and pretty much everyone I know is doing them. It’s a whole thing but I feel that is a story for another day. 

So since stoping everything, it’s been really weird. I feel very disconnected from people because when i do decided to go out and be sociable ( seems to be rarer these days) i just don’t connect with those around me as much. They are all drinking and getting high on drugs and I am like stone cold sober sally in the corner twiddling my thumbs, kinda not knowing what to do, or say or how to stand lol. You feel like a complete outsider. i usually stay for about an hour, then i leave.  That pretty much sums up my social life. People stop calling. People don’t text as much. It makes you feel forgotten. i can make you feel completely alone, and kinda lost. its a real hard challenge. But I am hoping it will be a decision that will bring more light, understanding and all round much more fulfillment to me in my life. i have been so tempted to get fucked up when the weekend comes around, because you want to be a part of the fun. You don’t want friends to forget you, or just think your are boring. but maybe i will attract the right people in my life, maybe this is giving me the opportunity to see who is real and who matters. I have faith, and I am proud of myself for attempting this. I am not saying it is going to be forever, but for now, this is the path I want to explore. i just want to give myself the best chance in life to be content, happy, and really get the most out of my relationships and just this amazing thing we call life. After all we really are only here for such a short amount of time. I yearn for something deeper than surface level. 

Everyday, is a journey, and there are lessons to be learned. I try my best to wake with a smile, even if by the end of the day i am in tears, i will try again the next day. It’s ok. i haven’t been as productive over the last few weeks, and that’s ok. i usually am super tidy but i haven’t even been making my bed, or picking clothes up off the floor, and ya know what!!! THATS FUCKING OK. I am going through a lot of changes right now, and I am doing my best, even though i still battle with my brain about this all, i try to give myself constant love and empathy. i have good days, I have bad days. I am human. All I know is that i am going to keep on going step by step and day by day, and who the fuck know where I will end up. There is only one way to find out........

xoxo

[thewondersofme]

i got my ass up early out of bed and went to workout. It felt good, and its not raining anymore the sun is shining and blue skies up above. i spoke to my sister from England earlier which i find always helps ground me. She doesn’t always know what to say to me when i am venting about my feelings but she listens and I really appreciate that. We have kinda helped each other through hard times, I cherish my relationship with her, though she fucking annoys me sometimes lol. 

I am feeling ok today. not terrible. not amazing. but ok. ok is good. Today i will create at home, and try to finish the music that I have been trying to finish all week that i haven’t ( for some reason I don’t know) been able to do.  wish me luck!!

i am not sure about my plans later, i need to try to stop self isolating from friends, which is just so easy to do. i make plans, put them off, the use work as an excuse and stay home. No wonder every day feels the same to me. i just feel safe at home, ya know?

Today I will do my best to breathe and give myself more compassion. You know what also sometimes helps me, lighting a candle hahaha. I have no fucking clue why, but for some reason it makes me feel better. maybe, if you can, give it a go!

anyways..... who ever maybe reading this... thanks for reading my post and i hope that you are safe and well. 

xoxo

[thewondersofme]

[thewondersofme]

I came to LA with all the opportunities at my feet. Everyone wanted to know me, talk to me and work with me. I was invited everywhere , parties, events, premiers and red carpets. People would write about me and my work. There was a buzz around me. I had a record deal with one of the biggest labels in the world. I had one of the best managment team. Everything I could of dreamed of was almost in my grasp. So what went wrong?

Now everyone is gone. And I’m sat here alone. A million miles from home. My dreams have shattered into a million pieces. My world crashed down around me. I am lost, confused and scared.

My heart is broken. It’s broken in a way I didn’t think was even possible.

All those years of sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears, chasing down my dream. To end up like this.

I wanted to be that person that could say follow your dreams, if I can do it, you can too. DON’T GIVE UP. But honestly, I can’t. How can I tell someone to risk it all cos they don’t tell you about those who chase their dream for it to crash and burn around them. And then they are left with nothing.

What about those people?

[thewondersofme]

[thewondersofme]

Everyday I wake I feel nothing. not happiness. not sadness. neither up nor down. I don’t laugh. I don’t cry. i feel exhausted, yet I’ve done and am doing nothing. I am waiting, for what I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I feel utterly helpless. kinda emotionless. i’m not living, I’m existing. Like a creature in the shadows, that no one can see. I am hopeless. i feel worthless. A tiny spec is more than me. me? who is me? I don’t even know who me is anymore.  What I do know is that I am falling. I am drowning and honestly, it almost feels like I am dying. slowly. painfully. secretly. 

My mind can’t focus. I am getting nothing done. who the fuck is this intruder? this is not me. something has taken over my body. I have lost control and I can’t seem to do anything about it. 

I am so scared. I am terrified. I live in fear. all day. Every day.

[thewondersofme]

I came here on a cheap ticket flight, With the promise of fame and fortune and a new life, So what am I supposed to do, kiss it all goodbye? Lay down and die?

[thewondersofme]

[thewondersofme]

“There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.”

When people commit suicide you’ll notice how everyone reacts like “ i didn’t see it coming” “ I wish they had asked for help” blah blah blah. Well the thing is, I have asked for help, multiple times. I have let friends know how I am feeling, my thoughts and how I sometimes feel there is no way out, and yes, they do act concerned, and I know they care but once the conversation is done, thats pretty much the end of that. No one really sits with me and says “ hey! i don’t know the answers but let’s figure it out, i hear you.”. We just move on from the conversation. Thats the thing, people love to preach about you asking for help, but when you do, you don’t that help.  Then when something tragic happens they all wish they did more or they wonder why you ended your life, they say no one saw it coming. but honestly.... you probably did see it coming. You just wasn’t paying attention. I believe the signs are there, if we just care enough to see them. If we care enough to listen. 

The thing is, maybe it’s because the people we reach out to don’t have the emotional intellect to be able to deal with what you are saying, or have the answers as to what to do to help. Well I believe it starts with something we are all capable of, simply listening. I don’t mean listening to respond, I’m talking about listening with the intention of truly trying to understand and grasp exactly what the person is trying to communicate to you. Most of the time we don’t really listen to each other. We are too busy thinking of what we are going o respond with. To truly listen is one of the most powerful things we can do for someone struggling with mental health. They want to be heard. They want to know if they find the strength and courage to be able to speak up and reach out that they will be taken seriously, and met with love, compassion and understanding.  They don’t expect you to have all the answers, but feeling like they have been truly listened too, is such a powerful feeling and will help them in so many ways. 

i say this because for me, that is what I feel I am missing. Someone who is truly and whole heartedly listening to me. Someone who can at least try to understand me. This is probably why I feel so alone. I know if i was to end my life people would be shocked, but if they had truly listened to me, maybe then there would be a different outcome. 

“There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.”