x0xblue-angelx0x

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

Hi sweetie!

I’m my experience in total I lost ABOUT 12kg

(starting at about 135lbs, I’m currently 110lbs)

Keeping yourself busy and moving also really helps, I found that when I started, the weight just fell off, but you may find your weight may plateaued for a while 🏃🏻‍♀️ don’t be discouraged though! Just keep sticking to it and it will start up again.

Ps: I know it’s very hard to drink that much water! Sometimes I just drink a lot of juice when I just can’t stomach more water, so I feel that it’s ok to do, just as long as it’s actual fruit juice and not like, kool aid haha

@bonesandcoffeine

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

If your mental state was a song,

what song would it be?

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

This Is Super Fuqed Up

This whole post is literally just a pity party, I’m so sorry 🥲💕

But I’m working as an assistant to this athletics club for teens and kids (ikr? GREAT place for an ED sufferer to work), and I usually do that during the summers. And I’m fairly familiar with all the kids. Anyway. What’s really fucked up, is how upset I am/was about the lack of comments I got on my weight loss? (And whats fucked up is, why do I feel this way? That is SO toxic! Like I feel awful that I’m disappointed about not getting the attention I wanted. And I’m literally so sorry for that) I’ve literally hit my LOWEST WEIGHT EVER and was kind of expecting more people to comment on it... only one parent did, which made me really happy cuz she’s always been so sweet to me “oh my gosh look at you lost weight! Look at me, I lost weight too yes?” She’s ADORABLE I love her so much. But idk. I guess just the lack of attention just made me feel like I haven’t lost ENOUGH weight. Like I’m not THIN enough. Like I don’t look SICK enough.. which i know it’s so awful for me to think that way, I KNOW it’s awful to think that way, and I know it’s not valid in any sense just.. I can’t HELP it and I feel guilty about that.

And then on top of that. Another girl lost like a TON of weight, and I can tell I weigh less than her still, and the sick part of my mind is super happy about that, but, I felt overshadowed? Like. Not good enough? Like I didn’t make the impact I wanted. And that all just topped off the absolute verbal slashing that my mom gave me just before I headed out the door to head to the athletics place. Like, guys she went OFF on me, saying how I “just make everything so much harder just by being here” because I turned her fan back on for her after I was done vacuuming?????? Ummm??? Ok 🤦🏽‍♀️

This day just... It wasn’t what I thought it would be, even though I didn’t even realize I had expectations for it. I was ultimately going to be let down either way though, you know? because. What was I expecting? Who’s gunna just walk right up and tell me I lost so much weight, you know? I couldn’t expect people to go and do that. And.. idk, who knows... maybe I haven’t lost as much weight as I think. Like, maybe you can’t SEE it as much as I hope.

I will say though, I really appreciate the manager for realizing the anxiety my mother was giving me when she kept hovering over me while he was trying to have a private conversation with me at one point, and took it upon himself to tell my mom to go back inside. It was small but that really meant so much to me. And he also ASKED me if I felt comfortable with taking on a few extra responsibilities, where as my mother just TOLD me I was going to. It really, really meant a lot to me.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

Whyyy Do I Do This

Person: Are you ok? Like, I know you like to lose weight n stuff but your cheek bones are becoming really prominent again

Me: Yes~ I’m fine, it’s just the way the suns hitting at this angle, trust me, I’m fine.

Person: Ohhh alright

Also me, lower weight than ever:

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

I think my biggest problem,

is knowing i’m nothing but a pretty face,

nothing but a product,

nothing but a body.

And you know something?

I’m pretty sick and tired of it.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

Calculating cals be like that sometimes.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

I talked to a guy that is interested in me about my anorexia and he really had the audacity:

“Oh yeah I feel like that sometimes too, like I won’t feel like eating breakfast sometimes”

Like wtf man. No.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

I don’t know if Im happy or sad

But after 2 and a half years into my recovery, all at once I fell back into my anorexic hole again.

Sure there have been ups and downs along the way where I would relaps and start restricting my calories to my usual 1,200, but it never lasted for very long. But now, it’s worse than ever, and it’s nothing like it was before. I’m not refusing to eat because I feel depressed, or as a coping mechanism like I was before. I’m starving myself without even realizing it, it’s like I FORGET to eat now, whereas before, food was my entire life morning, noon and night. I would dedicate hours of my day just to calculating everything down to the tiniest gram, and drink copious amounts of water just to keep myself from eating, while still thinking about food. I’m even forgetting to drink water lately. It’s like my mind fixated on one specific activity per day, and I forget about everything else until I get tired and decide it’s bed time.

At night is when I usually remember, like “my head hurts, oh yeah, I should eat!” And I’ll eat like, a couple bites of somthing or some broth because I just...am NOT hungry? I have no appetite? And I don’t know WHY or HOW? But I can feel my body suffering because I’m NOT EATING. Or like I’ll realize how dry and uncomfortable my mouth is like “oop, better take 2 sips of coolaid to hydrate and keep myself awake”.

It’s only been like this for maybe 2 weeks, Maybe a bit less, but I’ve already went from 139 to 125 (I’m fairly certain it’s not fat weight, but like, water weight and digestive weight). And on one hand I’m so happy! On the other hand, I’m back tracking. All my progress, all the things I was enjoying. I actually was ENJOYING eating food, and I’d drink full fat soda! And I didn’t care about the calories for so long! But now even though it’s only been about 2 weeks, I can already feel everything going backwards in familiar ways. Even though I am forgetting to eat, when I actually do take a bite of somthing, again, I have no appetite. But one day I forced myself to eat some rice, shrimp, and an egg fried in butter. And I felt so, GUILTY afterwards. And that made me so sad because I haven’t felt quite like THAT in so long. And it was soooo good, I just wanted to enjoy it and go about my day. But I remember I just wolfed it down because it tasted so freaking good, that I didn’t really get to savor it and- then it was gone and then I felt hollow and like I did somthing bad.

Then to make that a bit worse, after I ate that, I drank some laxatives- somthing I have not done for quite a long time. And I was really disappointed in myself, because I hadn’t done it for so long, but also because it made me feel better. But I know these things are hurting me and that’s why I’m so upset with myself. I’m so ashamed because it’s like all that progress went down the drain. Bumps in the road are normal and fine, and relapses absolutely do happen, and that’s ok and not a reason to give up, and I know it’s not the end of the world! It’s just, hard, when you see progress crumble and you don’t understand why.

Anyways,

PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT WELL,

HYDRATE,

STAY SAFE,

AND TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE AS PRESCRIBED!

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

God you guys.. literally, I’m weak in the knees with overwhelmed emotion from you guys doing this for me.. I’m really so sorry to complain like that. I just... I wanna cry because this means so much to me.

I’ll try and eat somthing healthy for u today, and I’ll drink water, so please please make sure you eat too and drink plenty of water too 💙

@imprisonedwings

Wanna know something I always find stupidly ironic?

Every day, no matter what, I always ask my friends and family members if they had eaten.

“Hey hun, did you eat lunch yet?”

“Make sure you get somthing in you”

“Drink some water!”

“Oh honey you gotta have somthing, you’ve been working all day!”

“What’d you have? Oooo that sounds good!”

Yet not a single person. Not a single time. Did anyone ask me that in return. I know it’s stupid and self pitying as hell, but damn. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked.

If there’s one sure fire way I know I’m fat, it’s that no one ever has to make sure that I eat.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

Aw shoot, hun... thank you so much for that. I ate a bit, I hope you ate too, and have a great day today.

@el-lipses

Wanna know something I always find stupidly ironic?

Every day, no matter what, I always ask my friends and family members if they had eaten.

“Hey hun, did you eat lunch yet?”

“Make sure you get somthing in you”

“Drink some water!”

“Oh honey you gotta have somthing, you’ve been working all day!”

“What’d you have? Oooo that sounds good!”

Yet not a single person. Not a single time. Did anyone ask me that in return. I know it’s stupid and self pitying as hell, but damn. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked.

If there’s one sure fire way I know I’m fat, it’s that no one ever has to make sure that I eat.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

Wanna know something I always find stupidly ironic?

Every day, no matter what, I always ask my friends and family members if they had eaten.

“Hey hun, did you eat lunch yet?”

“Make sure you get somthing in you”

“Drink some water!”

“Oh honey you gotta have somthing, you’ve been working all day!”

“What’d you have? Oooo that sounds good!”

Yet not a single person. Not a single time. Did anyone ask me that in return. I know it’s stupid and self pitying as hell, but damn. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone asked.

If there’s one sure fire way I know I’m fat, it’s that no one ever has to make sure that I eat.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

Man... I have a male best friend that REALLY always pulls through, even when he’s not around.

I had a horrible dinner with my family, they all were ganging up on me, and then I get a gift from him in the mail? Always perfect timing. I truly am greatful for him 💙

I’m blessed with good friends.

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

My main trigger is when people get mad at me.

Alls you gotta do it yell at me and next thing you know I’m downing laxatives and purging my guts out. I don’t know why, but I can’t handle anyone being unhappy with me. I can’t handle being fussed at or being disliked, even though, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s like my mind just immediately goes to “well, time to throw up” in those moments, even if I’m not sad.

I get confused and irritated, but it doesn’t scare or hurt me anymore. Just, gotta make myself throw up and starve for a few days then I’m a-ok again 👌🏼

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

summer break glow-up

This is what I’m gonna try to do this summer

Mon-Fri

Wake up at 8AM

Do morning yoga from youtube ( 10 min )

Cold shower

Breakfast: Green Tea

Study 2 hrs

Lunch: Protein drink or fruit

Rule - only one actual meal a day

Exercise 2 hrs ( zumba/strength/walk/jog )

Shower

Chill, make dinner, have a snack

Study 2 more hrs

Go to bed at 22PM, sleep by midnight

Keep reading

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

My Motivation

I’ve been off dieting and resisted relapsing for about 2 whole years now, but I’m back in action and rearing to go! I was looking back at pictures from 2 years ago and i so LOVED what I saw- I was so skinny and PRETTY?! Like why didn’t I see that in the moment??? (Also all my friends who are now telling me how worried they were for me back then hahaha, alls I got to say to that is “why didn’t you say that while I was in hospital, love? As far as I was concerned, no one said a word and so no one cared”.) Anyway. I really want to get skinny again! Tiktok and egirls are really inspiring me to get skinny and start cosplaying again. I’d like to start live streaming again, and looking pretty and start doing fun things from the comfort of my home! Perhaps after some time I’ll even make an Only Fans! Idk haha. I’m just feeling very motivated, and though I am disappointed in myself for relapsing, I’m also happy because I have goals again. I’ll get thin again, I’ll be pretty again.

If anyone has any tips on obtaining a snatched waist, or anything at all, I would love to hear from you 💙

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

The Bunny Diet

For about 8 years now, whenever I decide to go on my chosen “diet”, these are the rules and perimeters I have always followed, and they have never failed me. I call it a bunny diet due to the very plant based nature of this diet, but also because I simply love bunnies.

The rules are simple!

Calorie limit 1,200

Drink a gallon of water a day

Eat a highly plant based diet

Weigh all food on a food scale to get the most accurate calorie reading (google is your friend to determin the calorie count)

Rice is allowed in small quantities

Tofu and beans for protein

👏🏼Mi👏🏼so👏🏼SOUP!!!!

Keep pastas to an absolute minimum, a treat

On cheat days, eat what you like, but still count the calories and stay within the limit, and still drink your water.

As far as seasoning goes, butter is forbidden, use salt as needed but try to not use that either. All other seasonings are ok!

Only use vinegar based salad dressings, no ranch nor cheeses (unless it is your cheat day)

Allow only one cheat day a week, if you must.

Maintain a strict bed time

Brush your teeth every single day, morning and night (absolutely no lazy skipping)

While you do not HAVE to workout, it will not hurt you to do so.

Keeping a journal is highly recommended

[x0xblue-angelx0x]

Two whole years without relapsing, and I’ve fallen right back into old habits. I’m both happy and sad, I’ve gained all my weight back, I was healthy, dare I say happy? And now here I am again.

Will I never learn?