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Update: my housemate said she’s not cleaning until after New Years… uhm…. Thats not how it works hun.

Also, I don’t wanna work tonight.

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I am craving warm toasted Turkish bread with butter. 

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I live in a 5 person household, however I am still waiting on 3 more to move in.

So at the moment it is just me and another housemate, who moved in almost two weeks ago.

We do cleaning on a weekly roster, I have put her on this weeks cleaning roster.

She was meant to clean no later than this Wednesday, it is now Thursday and she still has not cleaned....

She knows she has to because her name is on the whiteboard,

I have also texted her telling her.

I will text her and say “Hey, before I go to work tonight, would you like me to show you how to use the steam mop?” 

I hope she cleans.

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Here is a collection of some of my writing, from 2016-2021. 

It is mostly writing about my sad emotions. 

I hope you can find some solace in my words. 

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Thursday 30th December 2021, 12:12pm

Good Afternoon, I have been on a ridiculous spending spree since boxing day, spending money I certainly do not have. One of the things I brought was Zelda Link’s Awakening and Animal Crossing New Horizons for my switch.

I brought my switch April 2020, when we went into lockdown, and have hardly used it. I want to enjoy playing it but I get so bored, and didn’t grow up playing games as a child, so really, it isn’t even nostalgic.. and sometimes I wonder if thats what the appeal is to them, therefore making sense as to why I can’t get into it? I have tried a few games, I had Mario Odyssey and the trio of Crash bandicoot, however I am so bad at Crash bandicoot and I think thats because I never ever played it as a kid? (I’m 22)

Last night was quite magical, I finished work and my best friend who is normally an early bird, who is trying to be nocturnal for her first week of night shifts was struggling staying awake, so I suggested we went to the beach with her dog for a bit of a jog, and walk. I then talked her into swimming in the ocean with me, it was amazing. 

Any tips for animal crossing would be great :) 

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TW - alcohol and drugs

So I knocked off and thought oh I’ll have a drink or two, so I chose Smirnoff double blacks. 1.9 standards each. And I also found my diazepam so I thought wooo hooo it’s a party. But I have never mixed diaz with alcohol and I googled it and Google said it’s potentionally fatal so I thought lol rip, don’t wanna die today. So I just had 2 drinks so 3.8 standards in probably an hour and also 2.5mg of diaz but it hasn’t done anything, which is annoying and shitty.

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I get payed today. Yay. 😊

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Breakfast.

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Today is serving winter vibes even though it’s 32° Celsius with 66% humidity….

Is this just another form of dissociation?

Also, I had a crush on my friends colleague, we ended up having a sleepover after drinks and all it was was cuddles… like quite literally ONLY cuddles, he didn’t even kiss me, so of course I caught the feels even more but for about 1.5 weeks he hasn’t replied to my snapchats and I use snapchat too much, I’ll update anyone on anything… so I sent him a tittie pic but he didn’t reply…. So I unfriended him. Proud of myself for knowing my worth?

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Tuesday 28 December 12:53am

I should be trying to go to sleep but instead I am watching Caveman Hikes on youtube. 

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Tuesday 28 December 12:14am

Today was a relatively good day.

I am coming out of my short lived depression and am in that zone of in between. Drifting between not quite sad anymore, yet not fully happy. Not as lazy, yet not completely motivated or driven. 

I am in between what I imagine a functioning adult experiences daily, and an oncoming manic episode. It’s like the mania is water under a pier, and at this stage I’m just sitting on the edge of the pier, almost content, staring down into the water, feeling the dangerous urge to jump into what could be the unknown, if I hadn’t already experienced it too many times before.

I guess mania, like anything, could be compared to the water, I just need to find the right poetic words to do it justice. I like poetically comparing things to water. I wrote a poem comparing love to ice and water.

So, a tell tale sign that I am coming out of my depression is that I spent over $5ooaud on stuff I didnt reallyyyyy need. I got a bunch of lingerie, one pair of bikini’s, cowgirl boots, new bootleg jeans, and a belt. 

The stuff from Ariat is unfortunately not for working on a farm, but for dress up for when I go to rodeo’s... I wish I was a real country girl. In my mind I am but I know that I really am not, I mean, I don’t even know how to saddle up a horse, or change a tire. Will beat anyone with knowing the most country music though.

i got my friend her Christmas present today, 3 days late but what I wanted to get her was too expensive to buy before the boxing day sales. She absolutely loved it. I love gift giving. She then stayed over for about two hours. She had a cider, I had a tea. My housemate wasn’t home and although she is a fully functioning successful adult, she said to me “This feels very grown up”. This meant a lot to me because I know she was referring to being in my clean home that she noticed was very clean, which is why I cleaned it before she got there.

Tomorrow morning I am wanting to wake up to drive to the range, to watch the sunrise from the high hills that overlook a vast area of tree’s and the coast, however the sunrise is predicted to show at 5:30am, meaning I would have to leave home no later than 5am and that is far too early for me to wake up. This is unfortunate and I wish I wasn’t this person but I am, I am lazy, and unmotivated, and although I know the serotonin boost would be immaculate, I know I don’t have it in me to wake before the sun. 

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My favourite and oldest playlist that I’ve made, full of songs perfect for lazy days, rainy days, study days, anything with a chill vibe.

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Setting alarms to remember daily tasks

5:07pm - Wash Uniform

6:18pm - Put uniform in dryer

7:01pm - Eat Dinner

8:22pm - Shower

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Trying to muster up the motivation to continue reading this absolutely amazing book

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What is it about spending money, that just feels so good?

Need some serotonin with a side of regret? Spend some money that you should be saving.

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* downloading tumblr after years because the mental health (or lack of) that you thought you left in 2016 is creeping back in *