allornothingalways-blog

[allornothingalways-blog]

forgot my meds last night.

hallucinated demons chilling on my ceiling for five eternal hours while my body threw a pain rave that would make satan jealous.

10/10 would NOT recommend unless you want to star in your own personal hellscape.

take your meds.

because your brain is NOT a haunted mansion and those ghosts are NOT friendly.

skip meds = invite the chaos.

don’t be a dumbass.

stay alive. stay medicated.

or suffer the wrath of your own unhinged nervous system.

i’m yelling but also i’m you. pls don’t forget.

[allornothingalways-blog]

"these will help you! however there are lots of side effects that you will probably still have after 3 years on them!"

the side effects:

insomnia (hellooooo melatonin)

hypersomnia (at the same fucking time)

memory loss

strange dreams

loss of appetite

increase in appetite

significant weight loss and then weight gain

lower sodium levels

easy bruising

increased bleeding

blurred vision

double vision

fever

sore throat

seizures

headaches

more anxiety

more pain

more nausea

dry mouth

more sweating

hot flashes

tremors

loss of coordination

sore back

and so much other shit

[allornothingalways-blog]

unfortunately, i come from a line of mothers who should not have had daughters— women who bled bitterness into the milk, who handed down silence like silver heirlooms and love laced with warning labels.

and fathers— men who should not have married, but did, dragging their shadows into vows, wrapping rings around bruised promises that broke before breakfast.

i was born between a locked door and a raised voice, between what was said and what should have been. and still, i learned to listen.

[allornothingalways-blog]

so this isn't true! i struggle to feel remorse, guilt, empathy, etc but for certain people, i can. is it a very small amount of people? yes, it is. but i do try to feel it, it's just hard.

personality disorders come from childhood trauma to the point it alters your brain chemistry. i wasn't shown remorse or guilt or empathy as a child so it's difficult for me to FEEL those things.

as a child, losing control meant that something terrible was going to happen to me. so now i'm afraid of losing control and will do anything to keep myself in control.

so next time you want to tell people that narcissists are horrible people who only want to hurt you?? maybe don't.

Fake Tears, Real Manipulation Narcissists don’t feel remorse. They just regret losing control.

[allornothingalways-blog]

this!!!!!! as someone who has bpd with antisocial and narcissistic traits, i just. wasn't taught that you can actually understand how people feel as a kid?? if that makes sense. so i feel emotions at 150% but i can't "put myself in others shoes" or "feel bad" when something happens to them. i physically cannot understand how to "get" other people's emotions. no matter how hard i try, i just can't do it.

and for lying, i was raised by two parents who lie a lot, so it was just taught to me from a young age. i lie a lot, sometimes to keep myself safe, sometimes to upset people, but most of the time it's just because i can. it's for control and validation. i need people to think about me constantly if that makes sense, i need them to always be aware of when something isn't right.

so sure im a hypocrite but that's just how my brain works.

Hey so I may ask a lot of questions just because I’m extremely interested in cluster-B disorders, and I love hearing from people and getting as much inputs I can from individuals who have them 🙏☝️

- I hear often from others that have ASPD that they don’t feel guilt or remorse for actions, and that it’s a key trait of the disorder. How does this apply to you? Would you say this is true, or true to an extent?

- how is your relationship with lying? If you struggle with lying, is it something that tends to slip out accidentally and constantly, or rather is it more deliberate for something like approval or admiration?

Completely true. I feel shit ass about dick lemme tell ya. For me it’s like… I never really learned that I SHOULD care abt how other people feel as a kid. So that little switch in my brain didn’t flip. So I can yell and scream and hit and be a total asshole, and the only thing I feel afterwards is annoyed that the other person is upset now. I just don’t care, no matter how I try.

Lying is…. Kinda my bread and butter really. I don’t even lie for any particular purpose most of the time. I just lie because I like lying. I like having control of people’s perception of me. Sometimes I tell lies that benefit me in some way, sometimes I tell lies in order to control the narrative on a situation, sometimes I tell lies to upset people. But I tell a lot of lies, and sometimes I think I lie more than I tell the truth. Tbh. I wouldn’t say I struggle with it. I just do it.

[allornothingalways-blog]

no i dont support radqueers.

no i do not support "transhospitalized".

no i do not support "transdid".

no i do not support "transaddict"

no i do not support "transbpd".

no i do not support "transgroomed".

because who wants that trauma.

that shit fucked me up.

i spent my entire life thinking that it was normal for adults to want to date minors.

because i was groomed since childhood.

i was in and out of the hospital because no one could figure out what was wrong with me.

since i was a child.

i make jokes about the people in my head.

because i never learned any coping mechanisms that aren't joking.

i spent years hiding from my dad whenever he was drinking.

and now im scared of drunk adults.

i was diagnosed with bpd at 13 after 4 trips to the psych ward.

because i was in a crisis, and no one noticed until i broke.

because i was that far gone.

this isn't an aesthetic.

this isn't quirky.

it's trauma.

and it hurts.

[allornothingalways-blog]

"you have to talk to people [deadname]" great idea i'll give them a 10 hour presentation on how to deal with me and my stupid fucking disorders and the people in my head and then they'll leave because they can only deal with mental health when it's "aesthetic depressed girl uwu" mental health

[allornothingalways-blog]

real i fear

"Empathy is what makes us human" Dawg you caught me I'm secretly a platypus

[allornothingalways-blog]

the psych ward sucked ass but hey at least i had a roommate/somewhat friend who also had bpd with npd, aspd, and hpd traits and made jokes about it with me

also she helped me through horrible disassociation, bpd rage, and hallucinations

the people who worked there were worried that we were making out with each other at night (we were two asexuals who are hypersexual because of trauma)

[allornothingalways-blog]

unfortunately i would rather date someone with the same disorders as me because:

a. they get it without the 10 hour powerpoint i had to give my ex

b. they wont leave me

c. they will give me attention and i will give them attention

d. we will have a cat who likes me better and a dog who likes you better, and we will pretend to be annoyed but actually its perfect

e. our disorders come from childhood trauma and we will not have biological children because children are fucking SCARY

f. breakdowns are shared (they will lay on the floor with me and make sad jokes)

g. therapy is bonding time ("what did your therapist say?"/"i cried and realized i have a deep rooted fear of being perceived" / "hot")

h. normal?? whats that??

[allornothingalways-blog]

yeah okay keep calling me a manipulative attention seeking whore for talking about the disorders that have literally ruined my life you fucking assholes

[allornothingalways-blog]

sorry its just really fucking funny to me that people want me to be their "aesthetic dululu depressed teenager" and not someone with a personality disorder and traits of other personality disorders like come on man bffr

[allornothingalways-blog]

"mental health matters" mfs when i tell them that i go from i hate myself and so does everyone else to i am a god bow down to me in minutes, that i can taste blood, that i see blood on my hands and on my walls, that i hear voices saying my name, that i hear voices telling me to do things, that i break down when i think someone thinks im not good at something, that if something doesn't impact me directly i cant care, that i dont feel empathy, that the random comment they said about me when i was 7 still makes me want to die, that i will do anything for attention and that includes sh and starving myself.

"mental health matters" mfs when people have personality disorders.

[allornothingalways-blog]

you like me?? for my personality?? the same thing they named my disorder after...????

[allornothingalways-blog]

oh look its a big scary borderline with narcissistic and anti social traits

shut the fuck up assholes

[allornothingalways-blog]

sorry i couldnt come, im visiting my dying nan except i dont feel empathy so idk wtf im supposed to do like yeah i love her dont get me wrong but like

[allornothingalways-blog]

bpd with narcissistic traits is a wildddddd combo why cant i just get diagnosed with everything im a fucking mess oh my god theres literally someone in my fucking head who fronts when we drink like huh???

like why is it never just one thing why is it always all of them all at once i cant even tell whos me half the time anymore what the fuck

like be fr what am i even supposed to do with that 😭😭😭

like how is this real. how am i real. i feel like a glitch with a god complex and abandonment issues. send help (or dont, idk, maybe i deserve it lmao)

at this point just give me a punch card for every diagnosis and a free coffee when i hit ten— maybe a loyalty card for my therapist too, like “youve been here 10 times, here’s your free meltdown”

maybe throw in a stress ball and a therapist discount too, im gonna need it

like the only thing i’m consistent at is being an emotional disaster. can i get a participation trophy for this?

seriously, someone give me a cape and call me 'the mental health superhero'—except instead of saving anyone, i just wreak havoc and make everyone uncomfortable

honestly at this point im just waiting for a new personality to unlock like its some kind of mental illness video game

anyway cheers to being a walking diagnostic manual, fully certified to fuck up my own life. someone throw me a parade or smth. also shoutout to the voices in my head for keeping me entertained ig

honestly, someone make a documentary about this, because i cant possibly be the only one who feels like their brain is a 24/7 live-streamed horror movie.

if i cant get better, at least let me be famous for it, right??