cryptidbatfamily

[cryptidbatfamily]

Can confirm. One of my favourite fun facts about myself is that I've died 3 times, which is more than Buffy, and I share it at every opportunity, much to the horror of my family.

Half the time I'm like, "can we have jason todd media not all about his death"?

Then I realize. If I died I would never shut up about it.

"Can you get up and grab that for me?"- absolutely not. My legs are tired from death.

"Will you go to the store with me?"- leaving the house?!? What if I die AGAIN.

So yeah, anyone who thinks jason talks about his death too much. Be honest. We'd all do the exact same thing.

[cryptidbatfamily]

I posted a few angsty ideas today so let’s have a silly one before bed

The one where everyone is confused by Batman and Robin’s utility belts

So like yj season 1 team & setting. I just cannot get this ridiculous idea out of my head where they keep having weirder and weirder shit in their utility belts but act completely unfazed. No one else can make any sense of it.

“Wait, do you keep kryptonite in your utility belt?” Conner asks Robin one day during training. Robin had whipped it out to win a spar. Conner is a cross between dazed and completely scandalized.

“Duh.”

“How much?”

“Normal amount.”

Conner is gaping at him, but Robin has already moved on to the next phase of their training.

Then a few weeks later, a few members of the Justice League are fixing up some equipment in Mount Justice when Robin appears next to Batman’s side, digging through his belt. He grunts, not wanting to move his focus from the tool he’s using.

“I need an eraser to throw at Wally’s head.”

Batman hums. Robin holds a bat-shaped eraser up victoriously, it’s the kind you stick on the end of a pencil, and then he races out of the room.

“You keep erasers in your belt?” Flash asks.

“Of course.”

Robin comes back in, startling Flash who hadn’t even seen him, and digs out another eraser. This one is also bat-shaped, but red. He leaves again.

“How many do you have in there?”

“Normal amount.”

They’re quiet for a moment, just the hum of the power tools, until Flash looks back at him.

“Can I have one?”

“No.”

Forty-five seconds later, something bounces off the side of Flash’s head. He looks down and sees a yellow bat-shaped eraser next to his foot. Robin’s laugh can be heard echoing from around the door.

A few days later, Batman and Robin are standing staring at each other in the mission room. They both have their arms crossed. Neither is saying a word. Everyone else is holding their breath, unsure of what’s happening.

Batman holds his hands out. Robin doesn’t react.

Batman flicks his fingers, as if saying “give it here.” Robin frowns.

Batman does it again. Slower.

Robin stares at him.

Robin groans and flings his head back dramatically, then shoves a hand in one of his belt pouches and deposits a lizard in Batman’s waiting palm. The lizard blinks.

“What the fuck, dude,” Wally asks. He can’t even laugh, he’s so confused.

Batman’s palm remains open between them. Robin frowns more dramatically.

Then puts another lizard in Batman’s hand.

Dick can’t see it, but he can feel the way Bruce’s left eyebrow raises under the cowl.

He puts a third lizard in Batman’s hand.

“I was gonna put them in an enclosure!”

“No.”

“Did you just - was that - how many lizards did you have in your belt?” Wally asks, tripping over the words.

“Normal amount,” Robin says, pouting.

“No more lizards,” is all Batman says before turning back to the mission board. Robin looks like he wants to stomp his foot and is barely holding back the urge to throw a fit.

Wally just wants to know where he found the lizards in he first place.

A couple weeks after that, Batman walks by a frustrated looking Robin who just finished a rough training simulation. Batman pulls a blue lollipop out from his utility belt and hands it to Robin.

Robin looks at it. Then looks at Batman. Then pouts at him.

Batman takes off the wrapper and holds it back out. Robin takes it.

“There’s lollipops in there too?” Green Arrow, who was walking with him to go discuss an upcoming mission, asks.

“Along with gummy worms. Sour and normal.”

“How much candy do you have in there?”

“Normal amount.”

Green Arrow shakes his head a couple times, then hurries after Batman when he sees he fell a few paces behind.

Is it a game Bruce and Dick have? Are they trying to get someone to snap? Or are they both just funky little guys who keep odd shit in their utility belts? The world may never know.

[cryptidbatfamily]

Batkids calling Bruce "mom" when he's being Batman

They started doing it to mess with Bruce and the other rouges at first but then it spiraled

They still call him B of course but also call him a various versions of the word mom

Dick calls him mom, mamă, mother dearest (when he wants something)

Jason used to call him mom alot when he was still Robin but stopped after his ressurection, after he reconciles with Bruce he calls him mom sometimes to mess with him and to have the joy of confusing his goons

Tim calls him mostly B but will call him mom every once in a while when he's tired enough

Barbara doesn't call him mom, for obvious reasons but will jokingly call him a mama bat when he's being overprotective of any of his kids

Stephanie, like Tim mostly calls him B but will call him mother when she wants something from him or is sassing him

Cass mostly calls him mama, sometimes mom or Mǔqīn and very rarely mother

Damian variates in calling him father, baba and mother after some convincing from his siblings

Duke, like Barbara, doesn't call him mom or any variation of the word but will use that title against others like "stop that or i'm telling your mom" type of thing

Bruce will never admit it but being called mom by his kids give him immense joy for no apparent reason, he knows that they started doing it as a way of messing with him but he will take whatever he can get

All the rouges, police officers and every civilain is confused about the way the batkids adress Batman because in their eyes? Batman is a man, or maybe he's not? The youngest Robin does call him father. Or maybe Batman is a being beyond gender? They will never know

[cryptidbatfamily]

Okay guys I want everyone to hear me out on this one okay? Bruce may be rich but he was still raised in new jersey. I need you all to know the only reason he doesn't act or sound like it is because he was raised in high society. I need you to know that I firmly believe his internal monolog in no way matches any actual words he says out loud or anything he would actually do.

*the JL arguing over how to go about getting information from some criminal*

Hal: okay and how would YOU go about this spooky?

Bruce, in his head: I say we force the information out of him, light him on fire and throw him in the harbor, where he will continue to burn because Gotham is a shit hole and the water is so polluted we have to out source water for the fire fighters.

Bruce, actually speaking: we follow protocol and turn him over to whatever law enforcement that has jurisdiction over him.

*bruce and Clark arguing over something petty in their personal lives*

Clark, trying to end the fight somewhat amicably: I just don't love it, but I will respect your opinion on the matter

Bruce, in his head: and I 'just don't love' that you're acting like a little bitch about it BUT HERE WE ARE FUCK FACE

Bruce, out loud: Hn, let's move on

*batfam comms during a slow night*

Dick: do you think the rogues finally figured out that they could spend their time doing something more productive to avoid getting their asses kicked?

Bruce, internally: i doubt they'd be able to figure that shit out if it jerked them off and bit them in the ass

Jason, three blocks over: are you fucking kidding me? Most of them wouldn't be able to figure that out if it came to them as a swift kick to the head, let alone a stray fucking thought

Bruce: hood, language.

Bruce, internally: that's my fucking boy :)

[cryptidbatfamily]

Thinking about the Bats suppressing their injuries and how yes, they have crazy high pain tolerance, and yes, they are in peak human condition, but ALSO, they do Too Much Shit sometimes and have definitely made injuries worse by accidentally ignoring them

Like, imagine one of them throws out their back doing something Totally Normal and Mundane so they just. Ignore it. Because I literally sneezed, it can’t be that bad, right?

(Spoiler alert: it is that bad)

Tim, moving more slowly than normal and grimacing every few seconds: damn maybe I pulled something

Jason, stopping by to pick up some things he needs while Bruce is out: ?? What’ja do?

Tim: I dunno, but my back really fucking hurts and I’m starting to get all numb and tingly

Jason: ?!?!?

Jason: How long has it been hurting????

Tim: I don’t know??? I guess, like, a few hours???

Jason: What did you do????

Tim: I DON’T KNOW, MAN, IT STARTED AFTER I SNEEZED

Jason, laughing: YOU HURT YOURSELF BY FUCKING SNEEZING????

Tim: THAT LITERALLY CANNOT BE THE CAUSE

Jason: I dunno man, kinda sounds like it

Jason, in tears: Maybe it’s time to retire

Tim: FUCK YOU IM FINE

Tim: WATCH I’LL PROVE IT

Tim, about to do a backflip: oh fuck- OW

Tim: *passes out from the pain*

Jason, still laughing his ass off: Nice landing, Timmy!

Tim:

Jason: Timmy?

Tim:

Jason: Tim?

Jason: oh shit—

[cryptidbatfamily]

dont take bird noises for granted

[cryptidbatfamily]

Tim and Bruce honestly have the funniest relationship because Bruce is known for knowing everything about everyone and not letting anyone know anything about him.

Then Tim shows up.

Now Bruce has to deal with a fucking 13 year old boy who has OPINIONS on the tie he wore to a gala 2 years ago and he still doesn’t know this kid’s middle name

[cryptidbatfamily]

Clark: I can’t wait to see the inside of Batman’s house.

Barry: I bet it’s really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.

Hal: No, it’s probably just an empty white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he’s on sleep mode.

[cryptidbatfamily]

Riddler: Can you come collect your freak of a sidekick please? He's doing things.

Bruce: No, I set Robin loose on purpose. He needs enrichment.

[cryptidbatfamily]

The Batcave has a “Do Not Talk To Me” couch. It’s sacred. It’s unspoken. It’s real.

okay so. picture this:

the batcave has one couch. it's in the corner. it’s hideous. it’s like beige or green or something equally offensive to every one of their aesthetics. no one likes the couch.

and that is exactly why it became sacred.

because one night jason just. drops onto it. full gear. bleeding. absolutely done with life. says nothing. doesn’t even take off the helmet. sits there in silence for 3 hours and then leaves.

next week tim uses it. sits there post-mission. face in hands. someone tries to ask if he’s okay and jason throws a batarang at them.

and thus it began.

Rules of the Do Not Talk To Me Couch:

You sit there? No one speaks to you.

You cry? No you didn’t.

You eat cold noodles off your chest at 4 a.m.? That’s sacred time.

If someone tries to comfort you? They are excommunicated for 12 hours.

Dick (sitting on the couch):

Damian: Grayson, are you—

Jason (from across the cave): HE’S ON THE COUCH.

Jason: I don’t make the rules.

Steph: You LITERALLY made the rules.

Jason: And I am the defender of the rules. There’s a difference.

one time damian storms in. covered in blood. absolutely furious. 10/10 rage goblin energy. throws his sword. marches to the couch. sits. arms crossed. steaming.

tim takes one look at him and goes: “i’m making tea.”

jason: “that’s acceptable. tea is allowed. talking is not.”

bonus:

once bruce sits on it.

and the ENTIRE CAVE goes silent.

tim literally freezes mid-typing. cass stops mid-flip. jason just mutters “oh shit.”

they all leave. immediately.

the couch is not ready for bruce.

extra bonus:

alfred vacuums around the couch. never says a word. leaves snacks in a silent offering. once placed a weighted blanket gently on jason’s shoulder. that’s different. he’s allowed.

[cryptidbatfamily]

All of the bats have just a little bit of fang, their canines are just a little longer and sharper than a normal persons.

it’s not terribly noticeable but you can tell with the way their canines sink into food far before any of their other teeth touch it.

or the way Dick’s stand out just a little bit extra when he flashs a toothy smile to paparazzi

or how Tim uses his to shotgun a red bull before a long night

or how Duke accidentally gnawed a permanent split into his lip during post-patrol debrief

or when Damian bit Dick during a training exercise and now he has two spots on his forearm

or that time Wally cut his tongue open while making out with Dick

no one knows why, or how, because most of bruce’s kids are adopted so it can’t be genetic. it’s just the product of being a bat.

[cryptidbatfamily]

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.

[cryptidbatfamily]

[Batfam group chat]

Jason: Gonna be late. [photo of two police officers framed by a car window]

Dick: ????!!!!!! Are you okay???

Cass: 👍

Tim: lol

Duke: Who's driving?

Damian: You *would* get arrested in a futile attempt to avoid family brunch.

Bruce: Jason, answer your phone.